I just came across this wonderful post by @ashesandhackles where the following was said about the possibility of reading Chamber of Secrets through Hermione’s perspective:
Hermione reads like a child who comes from privilege - and it will be interesting to see how she grapples with Muggleborn politics. @bluethepineapple had a very interesting insight into Hermione's process in the Polyjuice plan, where she declares threatening Muggleborns (where the dialogue makes it sound like she isn't one of them) is worse than brewing a complicated potion. Here is what Blue had to say:
"Being in a position of vulnerability is brand new and it is really throwing her off. She does not know how to integrate it with her previous position of privilege. So she is in this weird in between place where she is acting on said privilege (ie. the position of protector) while having been inducted to a minority group. At this point in time, being a muggle-born is still something she feels separate from."
Personally, this hits really close to home, and I kind of wanted to talk about it. (Actually getting to read this from Hermione’s perspective would’ve been great!)
For the first few years of my life, despite living in a western country, I didn’t interact with anyone outside of family or family friends and stuff (I wasn’t isolated, but as a little kid, taking me to a family friends’ house or to the mosque was a lot more likely than other public places)
It wasn’t until I started school that I came to the realization that I was actually technically part of a marginalized group. It felt like I was suddenly thrust into a new world where I was looked down on and seen as lesser. I experienced a lot of racism and people judging me based on skin colour or beliefs alone.
But despite that, it took a very long time for me to see myself as a person of colour. Like, yes it’s what I am, but the label always felt weird because it’s just what I was. I didn’t understand why it was something people needed to comment on or why it wasn’t just accepted.
Hearing stories of hate crime and police brutality always angered me because I couldn’t understand how people could be so horrifyingly hateful, and yet I never actually saw myself as someone who could be treated that way, even when I experienced it first hand.
When I would get called certain slurs or told offensive things, I knew it should upset me, but it never bothered me to the extent that other poc talk about, because I was always more confused or alarmed, rather than hurt or angry. (Similar to how Hermione reacts several times to being called a “mud blood”)
I felt separated from other poc despite also eventually experiencing a lot of harassment and racism, and to this day, despite being someone who speaks out against all forms of racism in my personal life and on social media, I still always feel like I’m lying when I say I’m a person of colour.
Even now, this hasn’t completely gone away. Even now when young woman like me who look like me keep being subjected to hatred, or kidnapped, or even killed in my own city that I live in, I still sometimes (not always) struggle with coming to terms with my identity, in a way I get the impression many other poc, don’t.
So yeah…it’s just really interesting to me, that others recognized this in Hermione because it too intrigued me.
Being hit with the sudden realization that I’m part of a minority, where many people don’t think I should be here, or be given rights, or even be allowed to breathe, especially at a young age…it was scary and weird and it definitely wasn’t easy.
That line about Hermione declaring threatening muggleborns is worse than brewing an illegal potion, while not including herself in that statement, feels SO real.
I definitely think (if we’re looking at this realistically and if Rowling had gone into that) that it would’ve taken Hermione until at least Goblet of Fire (and even than, she had to be reminded she was a muggleborn during the World Cup) for her to truly start to understand that she WAS a muggleborn, and it would have taken her even longer to understand all the implications of that. Even so, it wouldn’t have been until Deathly Hallows, and when she’d gotten captured, for it to truly have sunk in. The scar on her arm from Bellatrix especially, would’ve made it clear.
I think this is something that can and should be explored more. I don’t think I’m the only person to have ever felt like this, and in terms of Harry Potter, I’m guessing most muggleborns would experience this in-universe. (Definitely got the impression that Lily went through a similar experience. Likely why her friendship with Snape lasted as long as it did, despite the company he kept)
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I remember watching a video where Dahyun said “the members always notice when I’ve lost weight” probably because she’s already so small,, could I request something where she’s losing weight rapidly, probably from an ED, and misamo start to notice and worry? No worries if this isn’t up your alley!
Yes! and anon, today is your lucky day because I have not written this much in one sitting in many weeks. tbh thank you for the motivation.
—TW— disordered eating
--
“Hey, Momo?”
Sana’s worried tone causes Momo’s head to snap up, eyes finding the other woman standing in her doorframe, looking uncharacteristically nervous.
“Yeah, what’s up?” Momo sits up, patting the bed next to her.
Sana accepts the silent request, closing the door behind her before slumping down next to Momo. Her fingers rub at one another as she stares at them for a long moment.
Momo’s own worry grows as the silence lingers, spinning up possibilities as she waits. It’s broken by Sana blurting out, “I’m worried about Dahyun.”
Silence again. Sana goes back to fidgeting, and Momo thinks.
She doesn’t consider herself to be very perceptive, so she isn’t so sure what Sana is talking about until she reflects a bit more on the past few days, searching desperately through her memories to find something of concern. And what Momo keeps coming back to is Dahyun’s habits around food. Dahyun is never there at mealtimes. She’d duck out with a smile and citing a need to use the bathroom, to get a drink, to take a call, to do anything else.
Even at home, Momo doesn’t know if she has seen the younger woman eat much, or… anything? She doesn’t cook for Dahyun as much as she does for a few others, so it’s normal for her not to eat with Dahyun very often. But Momo is used to seeing Dahyun sitting with Tzuyu or with her phone, snacking on something simple, or having a meal she made for their youngest, and she hasn’t. For at least… a few weeks now, she thinks.
Oh! Yesterday, she saw Dahyun sneaking crackers out of the pantry. Though that memory isn’t normal, it’s coloured in Dahyun looking worried, scared, and like she truly was sneaking the crackers, as if she wasn’t allowed to eat them.
“Her eating?” Momo ventures a guess, still unsure out loud but fairly confident she got it.
“Yeah,” Sana speaks towards her hands, drawing out the last syllable. “Momo,” she suddenly bursts, looking at her, “what do we do?” Momo sees tears in her eyes and her lips wobbling. “What do we do?”
Momo shakes her head, gently taking Sana’s hands. She’s never been good at comforting crying people - she knows how to do it verbally, but never physically - though after years of living with eight women, she has figured some tricks out. She clasps Sana’s hands between hers, taking a deep breath. “We’ll figure it out. Does anyone else know?”
Sana shakes her head, her lips pressed together in a firm line now.
Momo takes that in, desperately trying to push down all of her own emotions bubbling up: worry and fear for what this means, but mainly for Dahyun. How could have I not noticed? She needs to think of a solution, or, she supposes that this isn’t something that can be solved just like that, this needs to be handled delicately. A plan of action is what she’s looking for.
“Should we..” Momo starts, mind running through options, “talk to Mina? They’re closer in age, so maybe Dahyun would be more willing to hear it from her. Or-“ she bobs her head from side to side, weighing out a couple more options, “you’re good at talking to people, but- I think- Mina would know what to do, or would be able to help at least.”
Momo just notices the silent tears slipping down Sana’s face when she finishes talking. She makes a noise of surprise, shuffling forward to wrap Sana in a hug. “It’ll be okay, Sa-tang,” she soothes, even if she’s not sure of that herself.
Sana nods into her shoulder, sniffing. “We should talk to her soon though, I’m scared.”
Momo agrees.
*
It takes until the evening to find Mina alone in her room, the younger woman having taken her day off to follow Chaeyoung around the city.
“Mi-tang,” Sana greets, Momo close behind in the doorway of Mina’s room. “Can we come in?”
Mina’s eyebrows pinch together and she very quickly places her switch to the side. “What’s going on?”
Momo almost winces. She had hoped they’d be a bit more subtle.
Sana switches to Japanese when they enter, as she and Momo get comfortable on Mina’s bed. Sana and Momo are aware of the person they’re talking about now being back from her day trip out with Tzuyu, and they don’t want to be overheard, or at the very least understood.
They know that Dahyun does have a bit of understanding of Japanese - she’s a really fast learner, something that Momo is endlessly impressed with - but she won’t be able to keep up with fluent speakers in their native dialect.
“Have you noticed anything off with Dahyun?” Sana asks. She’s got one hand holding Momo’s, squeezing.
Mina’s gaze darkens and her shoulders sink. “She’s lost a lot of weight. I thought I was reading too into it.”
Sana shakes her head. “I’ve noticed it too. And-“ She runs a hand down her face “- I know we’re idols, but she was already perfect before, like, healthy and she looked good to the public. Now she looks…”
“Unwell,” Momo chimes in.
“Yeah.” Sana and Mina both agree.
“What do we do?” Sana asks her question again.
Mina sighs, lost in thought for a moment. “Well, we can’t force her to do anything. And we can’t force her to eat, because that could just make it worse.”
Sana nods. “But we need to do something.”
“Yes, of course. Talking to her about it is probably the best option. Then we can take it from there, after hearing what she says.”
“That’s what Momo said.”
Momo nods a little, squeezing Sana’s hand back.
“We need to do it tonight.” Sana is firm on this, resolute. “I won’t let it get worse.”
Momo and Mina exchange a look. They more than anyone know how delicate this is, and charging in isn’t always the right plan of action. But, Momo agrees, they can’t let it get worse.
“Yeah,” Momo sighs, shrugging at Mina, who eventually nods.
Sana suddenly sniffs, knees drawing up to her chest as one hand covers her face. “But-“ she warbles, “what do we even do? Oh, our Dahyunnie, what happened?” She starts to sob, her body shaking as tears begin to roll down her face. “I can’t imagine what she’s going through.”
Mina seems to have the same thoughts as Momo, both of them squishing up to Sana’s sides, hands going to comfort. Momo presses a kiss to the back of Sana’s hand still in her grasp, keeping a firm hold as her other hand rubs at Sana’s shoulder.
Mina murmurs a few soft words, snaking an arm around Sana’s waist and holding her tight. “It’ll be okay.” Momo recognizes her own words from Mina’s mouth. It’ll be okay. She really hopes they’re both telling the truth.
*
*
Dahyun is fucking exhausted.
Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it. She’s tired, she’s shaking, her vision is blurry, and her stomach feels like it’s eating her insides.
She went out with Tzuyu today to bike along the river - Tzuyu’s idea. It was nothing she hadn’t done before, but it was really nice. Very pretty, very refreshing, a perfect way to spend her day off. And with the added benefit of a little bit of exercise.
Tzuyu and her had even stopped for lunch. Dahyun ordered something small from the menu, eyes carefully tracing the little numbers beside each food item, weighing out the benefits of being able to make it home and the drawbacks of too many calories. She had been doing such a good job in walking the line of losing weight while not fainting, because fainting is bad, it would let the others know that something is wrong. Why don’t they notice that something is wrong. Nothing is wrong, she’s doing fine. She’s doing a great job at ignoring her missed period and hair coming out in worrying clumps in the shower.
Tzuyu and her made it back around dinner time, Dahyun grateful for the excuse of being tired, allowing her to skip whatever smelled so good in the kitchen. Tzuyu had titled her head at Dahyun. “You feeling okay, unnie?”
Dahyun nodded, a practiced tired smile slipping over her face. “Didn’t have the best sleep last night.” That part isn’t a lie, the hunger cramps had kept her tossing and turning, tears staining her pillowcase.
“Okay, take care of yourself, and let me know if you need anything?”
Dahyun nods again. “I will, thank you Tzuyu-ah.”
So here she lies on her back under her covers, still fully clothed because she’s also fucking freezing, absently hoping that sleep claims her soon, despite the fact it’s only 7pm and she hasn’t brushed her teeth yet.
Dahyun groans, low and unhappy, as she gathers the strength to drag her sorry form up and out of bed. She pads over to the bathroom, relying on muscle memory and fingers trailing against the wall more than her vision. She secretly prays for everyone else to be too preoccupied doing something else to disturb her as she quickly tries to go through her bedtime routine.
Her reflection in the mirror makes her frown, so she tries to avoid it. There’s always something wrong with how she looks recently, and it only makes the anxiety gnawing low in her gut grow bigger.
Dahyun manages to get through brushing her teeth and washing her face with one hand gripping onto the counter for dear life. She reckons that’s enough for tonight - she’ll shower tomorrow.
God, when did it get like this? Just a few weeks ago she had been happy to lose a couple of pounds, and now, she’s a shell of the person she once was. Part of her is screaming, seeing the signs of something bad and begging her on its hands and knees to get her to stop this downward spiral before it gets worse. Dahyun has only been at this for a month, and it’s terrifying. It’s addictive. At first, the hunger had almost been unbearable, but now the pit in her stomach is comfortable, it’s right, and that change would be the scariest if not for her exponential growth in fear of food. She used to be wary of certain foods at first, would pick and choose what to eat to ensure she was fitting her twisted version of healthy, but now even the smell of food scares her, and to see it in front of her, having to eat it? It’s getting hard to hide the violent shakes the mere thought causes her.
But it’s addictive, because once the switch was flipped in her head, she can’t stop. Yes, she knows it’s so, so bad, she can see it in the way she’s cold all the time, the way her face looks an inhuman grey, the way her hair falls out, and countless other things, but she can’t stop. At least not by herself.
It’s causing a rift in her head, the part that’s pleading for someone to notice to please, help me, and the part that makes sure she eats just enough to avoid notice, that dons baggy clothing to try to hide her too-thin and trembling figure.
It’s splitting her apart, both mentally and physically.
Dahyun pulls open the bathroom door, stepping out to trudge her way down the hall again.
“Dahyun?”
Dahyun nearly screams. Instead, she stumbles back, hand clutching her chest. It’s Mina - it’s just Mina - peering at her curiously.
“Going to bed?” It’s a light question, so Dahyun acts accordingly.
“Yeah,” she shrugs, “Need to get a good sleep tonight.”
Mina nods, and Dahyun fights the urge to stiffen under her searching gaze. “Do you need help getting to your room?”
“No,” she huffs a laugh, “I’m good, thank you.” Dahyun continues walking, doing her absolute best to appear as if she doesn’t need the wall for support. She feels Mina’s eyes on her. And then she stumbles.
Fuck. “Here,” Mina is at her side in an instant, one arm going around her waist. Shit. “I’ll help you to bed.”
Dahyun nods - what else can she do?
Begrudgingly, Mina’s support is nice. She’s warm and sturdy and to have someone help her, even if it isn’t about her main underlying problem, is nice. Mina helps her change into pyjamas and helps her into bed and Dahyun feels warm.
But after Dahyun is lying down, tucked in, Mina doesn’t leave. Instead she kneels down next to the bed.
Uh oh.
“Dahyunnie?” Mina pipes up, gentle fingers brushing Dahyun’s curtain bangs to the side.
Dahyun hums, trying to keep a facade of being unbothered, but anxiety begins to creep up her throat as warning bells sound in her brain.
“Are you eating enough?”
Dahyun swallows heavily. She has to give kudos to Mina for remaining so gentle and calm, even though Dahyun is pretty sure that Mina knows. She has a choice to make for herself, and that small but loud part of her mind is crying out again.
“Yeah,” she says, eyebrows lowering in feigned concern. “What do you mean?” That small part isn’t loud enough.
Mina shakes her head, her fingers - at this point - just playing with Dahyun’s hair. “Please, Dahyun, don’t pretend.”
Shit shit shit shit FUCK. It’s happening now. Dahyun is exhausted but she’s got adrenaline coursing through her weak, weak body because she’s gotten found out and fuck she should’ve known she couldn’t hide this while living with eight other attentive women who care and love for each other so much. What now? She has to face herself? She has to drag herself out from this spiral to please the people around her (to save herself)? Will the others even handle it right?
She pulls herself from her thoughts, following an instinct. For once, choosing the instinct that has been crying out for her survival and wellbeing, the one that actually knows what’s good for her, not the voices or the urges that run deep, preying on her weak moments.
Dahyun opens her eyes fully, looking into Mina’s as she feels tears well up. “Help me, please,” she whispers.
Mina’s face grows stony and serious for a split second, Dahyun watching her take it in, then it solidifies warmer as she nods. “We’ve got you now.”
Dahyun doesn’t have the time or the mind to question what she means by “we” before she’s sobbing, face tucked into Mina’s chest as the older woman’s arms cradle her head in a slightly awkward but infinitely comforting embrace. Dahyun is shaking, trembling in fear of what the future is to bring but Mina is holding her and Mina has her now and so maybe it’ll be okay.
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