#im going through a pretty bad relapse rn

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

Hi, anon with the friend, here. First of all thank you so much for responding <3 I read through the page you shared, it was super helpful & I will come back to it again and again for sure. I think I did OK last night, my friend is currently safe and seems to be feeling calmer rn. I do have a few follow-up questions if you feel ok answering, I will go into specifics this time, so if you or any of your followers want to stop reading, this would be a good place to do that- I just truly wanted to say thanks.

Anyway, to answer your question: he does trust me & feel comfortable confiding in me, . Last night he was in a state of crisis and he called me for help. He believed he needed to get out of his place for his own safety, so he packed up his most important stuff and asked me to go get him. I went, and like 3 minutes in I realized he was having a delusion. So I parked somewhere safe and just sat with him in my car for like an hour and listened. I did the best I could, didn't try to argue or convince him he was wrong, just did my best to make sure he both WAS safe, and FELT safe. He did calm down a lot, but was still convinced he'd be in danger if he went home, so I helped him check into a hotel for the night. I did convince him not to drop his job, and to wait a few days before making any big decisions, which im super grateful for, but that was it. He was really not in a good place. This morning he texted me & said he felt safe enough to return to his place for now. All good so far.

BUT, here's the thing. This was a really big crisis, I've never seen him this bad. And I don't know how I should talk to him about this, or when. Or shit, idk if I even should try to address it at all. He sometimes believes his roommate is dangerous to him, and so is his family. These are not great people so, fair enough, he's 100% right to be guarded around them, even if sometimes his reasons aren't quite real. Overall though, he was doing so, so well. He was dating this girl and was happy with her, he was self-aware about his delusions and trying hard to keep himself grounded, he was doing great. New job, new apartment. He'd been sober for 2 hard-fought years before this. Then two days ago his piece of shit roommate gave him the stuff he used to be addicted to, and that's what sent him into a spiral. He started feeling threatened by everyone around him, which is why he needed to leave. But he also started to VERY strongly mistrust his girlfriend, he was pretty heartbroken about it but he was CONVINCED she was a part of the thing his delusion was about, and that she was 100% malicious/deceitful towards him from the start. And I just couldn't dispute that at all last night. I don't know if this suspicion will go away or not... The stuff must've worn off by now, but obviously his delusion won't just stop like it never happened. So how can I help him work through it & hopefully get himself back to where he was? I also don't want this to damage his relationship, I would hate to see him lose her or push her away bc of this. Is there any way at all I can help him trust her again? How do I try to ground him without making him suspect me as well? Im so worried, I just want him to be OK.

It's really good that you're able to be there for a friend, that's very sweet of you. I'm really glad your friend can trust you to this extent!

Basically you can address these things, but ensure he is calm and in a good state as well as willing to discuss these things. I think at some point there definitely needs to be a discussion about this roommate and how he can potentially get away from them? Or just... avoid the roommate at the very least. Because if they triggered your friend AND sent them into a relapse that isn't good at all, i'd be concerned for your friend's safety.

And you can definitely talk to him about why he feels his girlfriend is a part of his delusions, but you may need to wait until he has calmed down enough to talk about it without becoming accusatory towards you. If you're in contact with the girlfriend, it's definitely worth it to get her to try and be understanding and have her talk to him as well, to try and reassure him that she is there for him and not against him.

You can remind him about everything good she has done for him and all the good times they had! Maybe even gather some pictures and screenshots he can send to you for safekeeping so when he's in crisis you can send him these things so he can have something to remind himself that his girlfriend is a good person and not somebody to be afraid of. I know that sort of thing helps me when I start having delusions that are against my partner.

-Mod Clemont

#ask #anon #not a suggestion #delusions #delusion #addiction #addiction mention #relapse #relapse mention #drug mention #drug tw #drugs are implied but not explicitly mentioned #sorry for taking a bit to answer this one!

[romanarose]

Update on how things have been.

ups and downs ups and downs...

TW for depression, suicidal thoughts, sh, and ig work issues although those seem small in comparison to the other warnings

Monday was much better. Today is worse than Monday but not as bad a last week. Last week I was in serious danger to myself. If I was insured I would have committed myself for my safety.

I relapsed on SH this week, been over a year since doing that so its pretty disappointing, but not as bad as when i relapsed after like 5 years.

As some of you know, I quit my job on friday. It was my weekend job at olive garden that i'd been at for a long time, and had evn more years at different olive garden locations and long story short i was feeling a lack of respect and decent pay for certain postions so i said i was done hosting, expecting to do bread, salad, or to go. I get schedule to buss which pays worse than host and i lost it lol. Completetly. It felt like an insult. It honestly got blown out of proportion bc of my emotions but the way my general manager handled it was really disappointing and brushed me off when i wanted to talk about it on saturday. On sunday we did actually talk. One of the other managers was in the room and while i didn't feel my GM understood me, the other manager did. She said she was the one that scheduled me that and didn't mean it as an insult nor a punishment but she validated why I felt like it was. She took me off one of the bussing shifts as an act of goodwill. I'll be working less hours there and more on my on campus job but i think over all it got smoothed over enough.

But after that, i cried and cried and cried. for 45 minutes. Like i sat in the parking lot sobbing bc i could not drive. Eventually im able to get to panda express and cry more trying to calm down and get my food. I just went i with my face red a blotchy ad tears in my eyes and went home and watched My Man Godfrey via screenshare with a friend. Good movie.

Unsure how I feel. I naively thought yesterday that this was over, but one good day does not a cure make.

On the brightside, my Race and Ethnicity in america class was supossed to do a presentation on jackie robinson tomorrow and my and a classmate were gonna work on it today after class... and she said "hey i pretty much did everything, if you just wanna come to class a little early tomorrow we can go over the slides." I felt bad bc I didn't do anything but she said she really just prefers to do work by herself. She and I are both history majors and know each other well, so I know for a fact that I can return this favor some day. I started tearing up and saying how I've been struggling so this is such a relief.

Grades will be okay I think. geology is gonna suck at the end bc ive been bullshitting it all. Race and ethnicity in american will be an A i think. Just got my paper back for the other american history class, I got an A so far. Im not super confident about the research paper at the end but... If I have an A a C or something for the paper will be alright. I got my midterm back for the history research class and I though I got like a 50% lol but it was a B-. everything else has been a's so far so if i dont do great on that paper ill survive. Race and law is an A rn and I dont precieve that changing. I need to keep a 3.0 gpa to keep my scholarship one more year.

Anyway y'all dont care about any of that.

I fear as this semmester goes on there will be less and less time to write fics so be prepared. Im trying my best. Everything is awful rn and i dont wanna exist but im pulling through.

sorry for the depressing post

#tw depression #tw suicide #tw self harm

[warmcrossing]

my fear foods: oil, full calorie soda and juices, butter, full calorie mayo, peanut butter, pasta, pizza, chocolate, cakes, cookies, pastries in general, meat that isnt portioned, sm things :(

#tw ed #tw #i just wanted to talk about it :( #im going through a pretty bad relapse rn

[prissypickle]

Ill be talking about my growth over the year. There will be sensitive topics but I want to share what I have overcome.

The past 12 months have been so hard to deal with. But Ive overcome so many challenges

. May 18th I had a major attempt. I was in the pcu for 2 days. I wrote my parents a letter saying that Im going to the hospital to get some help. The last time i ever attempted like this was in 2014. My parents didn’t realize how much I was struggling despite telling them daily.

I was admitted into the psych unit a 3rd time. Those 7-10 days is where you grow so much. The people surrounding you at the hospital is one of the most comforting things. The paitents, (most) staff they are always there for you when it feels like no one else is. Ive been there twice since 2019. Recently ive been considering going back (for a psych eval) due to how the past 5 months have been one event after another

. I was supposed to get out of the psych unit on Saturday but I voluntarily checked myself out as we thought my bearded dragon was going to pass. My mom told the staff not to tell me unless they really thought it was over for him (sloppy writing rn Im crying over how I thought I was gonna lose him) rafiki is my rock. He knows how to calm me down. The staff allowed me to have my phone for 2 hours while I called 20 different vets to find a place to Euthinize Rafiki as that was pretty much the only reason my mom told me. I called for 2 hours and there was only one place that would do it. It was an inhome euthanasia. And I have that numbered stored in my phone. God forbid I need to use it. Its there

. I took him to the vet and we decided that if the antibiotics that we were giving him wasn’t working we would euthanize him. But it worked and my boy is happy and alive.

Things started to get bad again when my sisters boyfriend moved in. I began disociating and maladaptive daydreaming to the extreme.

I relapsed.

But I got back up. Then come January and I decided to open up my shop. @delicate.littlespace.shop its one of the best thing I could have done. I had severe struggles. Etsy started taking me down for copyright infringement because I was selling deco popsocket. They took the whole They took my whole account down because of the popsocket deal. That fucked me up a lot. I was able to get it back once I showed etsy that what i was selling isnt really a popsocket. I just buy it in bulk. I got my account back. But one night I was on Facebook and someone took my photos and put it on a child protective services group. It was the most painful thing ever as it could’ve showed my location full name etc. but they crossed off all my info. Still extremely upsetting. Ontop of my etsy issues. Someone started a roumor saying I support minors in kink so on and they told all my promoters and one left and blocked me without me able to defend my side. So im watching out here and there to make sure roumors aren’t going around about me.

A series of events happened that day. My etsy account got suspended, posted in a cps group, crisis line hung up on me not once but TWICE there were more but that was the main 3. I took 2 days off work. Then the series of events get worse. I dislocated my shoulder. It took 3 months for me to get to see a ortho who just spent 5 minutes with me and told me to go to pt. I was waitlisted on pt. I went and saw a second opinion for my shoulder. Same things. Pt.

I reinjured it severely the other day as I lifted up something that I shouldnt have and I popped my shoulder put of place. I went to urgent care the next day and found out my shoulder was re dislocated, fractured, and deformed. January to April I was in a sling. Then I was out and them on my 2nd I injured it. I was supposed to start PT finally on the 13th but my referrl never went through so I dont know what to do anymore about pt. Im just thinking how this may be a sign that pt isnt gonna help.

With my worsened injury I cant do basic needs. Washing hair, chores, cook, I can barely pull up my pants. Its horrible. I dont wish this on anyone. So Ive been struggling with major hygiene and didnt wash my hair for 2 weeks. Today I finally got it washed and it felt so good. I nearly released the other day but I was able to stop and think. Hey a year ago it would be different. Ive overcome so many things this past year. My life has been 10000years too many. Im just proud of how far I have come and Im finally safely coping. I still have a whole bunch ahead of me but Im finally going in the right direction.

#little #babygirl #little space #baby #little girl #little one #daddy #mommy #stuffies #my story #bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd awareness #bipolar #bipolar disorder #bipolar disorder awareness #maladaptive daydreaming #mental health #mental health support #mental health advocate #mental health awareness #5 months #5 months clean #sober

[knucklehe4d]

Hello love!! I’m here for you!! Sometimes when I am sad I like to talk about things that make me happy instead, to distract myself?? But other times you just gotta let the sadness run its course, let yourself feel all of it and work your own way through it to come out on the other side feeling lighter and happier.. so whichever you need right now I’m here for you!! If you want to rant about the sad things some more I’ll listen and if you want to talk about something else we can do that too! 💖

maybe i could do a little lf both? ill startsad things reslly suck i dont get to see my boyfriend much and its not really my fault or his but it’s straining things a tiny bit and im stuck at home all day its so boring it’s detrimental to my mental health and it makes things worse every day and sometimes i take things out on people close to me on accident and i know it’s wrong so i immediately apologize but i still feel awful for doing it. my family is pretty mean and neglectful to me they always have been but the older i get the worse it gets? im a neet and im ashamed of it. i want to hang out with friends but no one has time or doesnt feel like it and i dont hold that against snybody but it still makes me really sad. i crave attention affection and human interaction like oxygen. my cat had to be put down today and i expected it but it couldve been avoided if my mother took care of him yet im still absolutely devastated. im off my sleeping pills and its making things even more worse long story short got allergic to new meds that were supposed to help with sleep and paranoidnthoughts so now im stuck without till next appointment. im bad at everything i do. im too scared to play fallout even though i really really want to. im having a lot of panic attacks now too and imdisgusted with myself a lot anymore. my sisters are in school now so im alone during the day and im so fucking lonely. im so lonely. im probably malnourished but thats the least of my problems. im also terrified im getting fat so i starve myself then binge in a relapse! im so tired all the time. i could go on but i feel like this is long enough. what makes me happy? being with my boyfriend is number 1 hes one of the best things to ever happen to me i adore him to bits and pieces i love him bunches banana bunches im bananas over him and his cat is such a baby i love him too and his kid is a sweetheart i love him and the whole package its the best thing in my life. i love my cat but i dont spend enough time with him snymore we usually are together every waking second but the basement has the ps4 and he used to not be able to come down here cause of my cat that just passed but now he can and it makes me so sad but glad at the same time. i love my babies and this might sound bad but my cat is MY cat the one who just passed is more of a family cat but i still love them the same does that make sense? i hate being alone im glad hes gonna be here with me. i love being with my friends whenever i can which is so rare anymore but when i am with them i have so much fun. i love listening to my shitty music from 2012. i love making new friends and growing close with people thats definitely a top 5 anime miracles. games are a lot of fun even though im awful like i said. the office has been there for me besides my cat the most lately jfjdisjfjjf umm guitar hero is fun i might play it once i finish this the old one on the wii. maybe even wii sports!!!! also i wanna be friends with this one person but were both alike and its hard to initiate convo and keep it going so im 💀 also i really like clay slime. and buying things. and drinking :) which i do in a good amount! im only drinking rn on a sunday cause ive had such a rough day. it be like that sometimes. i love getting anons they make me so happy i looooove anons and asks. i cant rly think of anything else but this is long enough ithink sorry its so long! i got into it thank you so much for giving me the opportunity though i love you

[themeed]

176.2 to 174.8 overnight! not sure if this is leftover bloating from my period or water weight or what but i will take it holy shit the rush of being below 175 again.

fuck i really wanted to be 155 by my birthday but thats not super likely anymore thats 20 pounds in a month and i have to keep my intake above 500. which is... 1400 deficit from my burn rate daily, 1400*30/3500= 12 pounds or so, maybe closer to 10 pounds if i keep it around 800. u g h. that puts me at 162 at like. the lowest. unless i exercise a lot more. and i cant do most cardio without bigbrain dysphoria hours fuck.

what i can and will do though: measure at 170 again, start lifting again? get stronk or at least maintain muscle bois. lift heavy things. stretch some more bc holy shit our flexibility is kindof pathetic rn. specifically legs. like its better than my mothers but that doesnt say much of anything.

fuck i just want to be smol and stronk. no titties. no jiggly bounce when i run and climb. able to bend and twist and handstand and flip even. able to monkey bars. able to consume without worry because im active enough it wont matter and my brain regulates properly. which. it does now, after dealing with the very existence of emotional eating months ago, but when things get bad it stops working as well. it still works but not as well yknow.

so. smol. stronk. titties gone. i dont know if i can have a thigh gap safely but ill settle for not pressed against each other all the way down when i stand normally. not constantly rubbing through jeans and good pants. id like my calves to not seem so... bulbous. they dont need to be slender and perfect but i dont want them to look like slices of watermelons with feet attached. ive seen enough edema that i worry sometimes if theyre fluid filled but i dont have any of the other symptoms and they dont press like that. its scary to think that way. my feet look too small for my legs and they look extra short with calves this big.

i found out recently that not one but two of my friends are relapsing into ed behaviors. and one of them this is really dangerous for, she is already skinny as all hell and tall to boot. like. shoulder bones and wrists and elbows visible, all she has to lose is muscle. the other is softer. healthy weight but it probably wont kill her like it will my other friend. im worried about them both but we all joke about not eating breakfast and shit like that half competitively half worried. its not healthy. i dont really know what to do about it.

i dont know if theres anything i can do about it, really. besides send reminders for them both to eat, maybe. i know the softer one has a support system but she is going back out of state soon and her people there don't pay as much attention. they also don't eat very well. weedy girl i... i dont know if her family even knows about it. they have family dinners and i dont think she will risk a purging habit but i cant be sure. ill just have to note the state of her breath next time we hang out to double check worry levels.

fucking hell.

i didnt realize i needed to get that conflict off my chest. i feel competitive towards them but im not going to direct it at them and risk triggering a full relapse. also theres no way for me to reasonably catch up and not a good point of comparison considering how small both of them are already, compared to me. even just bmi wise.

i was pleased and distressed to learn that soft friend has wider hips than i do. height plays a pretty big factor, huh. like she looks like a weed with very slight curves, but her hips are wider than mine and i look like an hourglass in formfitted clothes. gods.

so like. one more size down and i could fit in her clothes probably. her pants at least. tops are a long ways off because her arms are a lot a lot skinnier than mine.

kinda surprised i can hold my own in terms of strength with her at all, considering how much height makes a difference in sizing and distribution of weight.

cant wait to be stronger >:)

[hagiographically]

summer qtr review/thoughts

buckle up kiddos its gonna be long -- this is mainly for my benefit tbh (tw for ed talk but as usual, no detail about behaviors)

but i feel like i tumbled less this summer and tbh i think that is ?? probably good

anyway

the quarter started off horrifically bad because i deteriorated a lot in florence. like, im so happy i went to florence and i experienced so many things and got so much braver and more confident, but i didn’t realize those positive effects until many weeks in, and they didn’t develop fully until i’d left

but i lost like..... at least 15 pounds without trying to or even realizing

surprise! italy is triggering for eating disorders....who knew....not this stanford-educated bitch right here....

anyway i was half dead when i got home to new jersey. i figured this summer i’d have to Actually Recover, and i’d dropped out of my program in south africa to be at stanford, catch up on my major, and get my shit together health-wise

That Did Not Happen, Unsurprisingly

having a disorder means.....the worse u get.....ur brain cares less about recovering....so I hit my lowest weight ever a couple weeks after getting back to ol’ stanf

it sukked cuz summer is triggering because it’s so beautiful and warm outside and like !!! shorts!!! crop tops!!! but anyway i hauled ass to the doctor to make sure i wasn’t going to die

she said “libby you are going to die very soon if you keep doing this”

but!!! that was the go-ahead i needed to flip the switch into Recovery Mode(tm) and i went to cvs the next day and bought hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and supplements and safe foods because it was an Investment or whatever

and like......it’s been rocky. I’ve slipped up countless times. I gained 10 lbs in the first week and that was super scary lol so I relapsed, and then half-recovered from that, and since then it’s been a tug-of-war with the mental illness goblin

BUT that being said, the whole process has been kind of fun/motivating in a weird way, like I was a scientist and my body was the experiment, and I was just throwing data points into it and seeing what worked.

and ????? Some Things Worked !!! and it really awakens my sense of curiosity to see what things help me-- the nutrition and supplements helped my mood, energy, relationships (kinda? who knows what it would’ve been like otherwise), academics (same as relationships), confidence, etc. it even changed my personality i think, or at least minimized the things i didn’t like about myself and let me cultivate the things i like

like for example, i’m actually.....not an introvert i don’t think? i was talking to my mom about this yesterday -- she thinks she’s a 60/40 E/I and I’m the opposite, so we’re both ambiverts with different leanings. I identify as an introvert because I like solitary activities bc I’m used to being alone, but I realized this summer that.....being alone isn’t always good for me because it awakens mental illness goblin, but also I ??? really like talking to people and I’m good at conversations ??? I met lots of non-Stanf people from going out so much and it was always really refreshing and cool and I got energy from it....definition of an extravert

had conversations that really cemented my current values - got to talk about my classes and how much i loved them, how much the shallowness of bay area tech bothers me, how much i loved italy (florence is so hazy to me rn!! bizarre), regional differences in psychology (my passion tbh) and it just feels so good to care about things wow !! is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? no wonder yall are out there doin it

so I am not recovered in any sense of the word but I am so. much. better. I reduced a hella lot of behaviors, rarely felt depressed, and achieved pretty much everything i wanted, even though this was my sixth straight quarter of college and if i hadn’t done this self-imposed health regimen i don’t think i would’ve died, but i would’ve eroded and probably dropped out of school to go back to residential

should i be getting professional treatment? i think a lot of recovery blogs or experts would say yes, because they’re of the mind you can’t half-recover, and treatment comes before education, etc. and i don’t completely disagree and maybe once i graduate i’ll agree. but. i know that right now i want to be in school. i cannot fully recover on my own, but on my own is the only way i can get pieces of everything that i want. 

i’m healthier and happier because i made the best grades i’ve ever gotten at stanford (easy-ass classes for sure, but i’m still glad i performed as well as i possibly could. it’s a point of pride for me that even though my illness can get really severe, it’s never impacted my grades.) and i still did lots of really fun things! it was less social than last summer, where i went out every other day, but i still went to santa cruz beach boardwalk, an ed sheeran concert, a gay club in SF, SO MANY bars in downtown palo alto (at the point where multiple bartenders recognize me), a play in redwood city, coffee shops and dinner dates and sunlit morning walks to class listening to jukebox the ghost and happy-buzzed from green tea.

i’ll just say it, my fashion was kinda lit this summer....i was very physically confident, which is mixed because i might be romanticizing unhealthiness even though i am healthier than before. who knows. i am in transit

i feel like i didnt socialize as much this quarter with my actual close friends but instead met lots of one-time people and like, it was really nice meeting new people, bc when the people are always changing, i can see which elements of me stay the same. and getting to know who i am now is so interesting because tbh?? ive been through a lot this year (and also with, like, life) it’s so weird thinking of myself As A Whole when anything more than a year ago feels like a fever dream or made up story....anyway!

i did get to see my friends fairly frequently and i’m grateful for every time i did because i’m v lucky to have anyone in my life when i change as much as the fricken weather

my friends who loved stanford before are more over it now, and its funny bc i used to hate it but now im used to the school so i dont anymore. im a senior, i know the school well, ive been a member of so many clubs, been to so many on campus houses, explored the area extensively, taken a variety of classes….im not totally out of FOMO but its so reduced that im confident with what ive done there, and my ego isnt as threatened by other people bc i know i have my own kind of value. it doesnt matter if its objective or not bc how i feel is ultimately what matters

like its not all about what i feel if i dont do anything about it. but ive done some stuff! and im trying to make the shitty interpersonal stuff better! its going!

was able to read and write a little bit which is neaterino ! and i liked my job at the library, it was fun and easy

anyway if i think too much about it i’ll trip out because thinking about life sends me into existential despair, but this was a good quarter. up there with sophomore spring for my favorite/happiest/best feeling quarter? probably even better than soph spring because i was sick for most of the spring. every quarter has ups and downs and this was no exception but the downs didn’t feel as debilitating and the air didn’t feel like a fire blanket for once, and now that i have some strategies under my belt i can’t imagine things ever really getting that bad for a while

#THIS IS LONG IM ANNOYING! #writing #stan #idk how i tag these #summer17

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much.......... #literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji] #caps / #negative / #self hate / #transphobia / #cissexism / #menstruation mention // #the experience #ask to tag

[lunnonbridges]

2019

saw Rachels tumblr post wrapping up her 2019 so ima do the same thing lol ty for the inspiration rachel <3

2019 was wild had some amazing highs and some devastating lows but i mean that happens every year lol.

school: completed my favorite clinical ever in the ED wow i could go on forever about it because i enjoyed it so much and i learned so much and wow ED nursing is amazing and so crucial i can’t wait to work in the ED again in a few years (hopefully) overall i enjoyed school surprisingly i love nursing and i can’t wait to finally use my BSN, RN in action in a few months. i!! am!! a!! college!! graduate!!! passed NCLEX too thank god (no real lows in the school department actually)

work: got to put my RN license in action working as a flu nurse haha i thought it was gonna be more intense but it was actually pretty chill just giving shots lol im not afraid of giving shots at all now because i did it literally for a job lol. got hired to be an oncology nurse at swedish which was nice :) the not nice thing was having my license delayed though which means now i am not working as a nurse T_T but i mean at least i still have the job--just got delayed but nothing to beat myself up over it. glad i found a full time babysitting job to fill the void in the meantime though :) winston is a very cute baby and i love him a lot and i am excited to see him again ahah hes such a darling and pay is enough for me to pay rent and some but rip savings haha

family: feels kinda the same? i’ve always been decently close with my immediate family i guess but going to the wedding and seeing everyone for the first time in a while was weird--i am def the most liberal and like out there out of the entire family i would say like what i believe in and what i hold important etc but i mean thats also not a bad thing--they focus too much on religion and like conservative ways in my opinion and i am too scared to talk about that stuff with extended family lol bc they are so stuck in their ways and i dont want more lectures lol i dont go to church in seattle but i go to church when i am home lol all convos at home become church related somehow and i hate it honestly...i don’t want religion shoved down my throat anymore please!!!!!! it is so suffocating

fitness/body image: started gyming a lot this past summer and continued it until december loll bc i got busy with life but i gained a lot of muscle mass and started feeling good about how i looked for the first time ever really (so sad i know) gained some weight too but that’s ok bc muscle mass. hopefully i can go back to the gym in january so i can work on getting slim thiccc lol i’m such a twig. i am not worrying too much about weight anymore because it is just a number! but i do relapse sometimes and worry too much over how i look--it is a work in progress

friendship: for the most part good or actually honestly all good because the only friend i feel like i kinda lost is Jason? but i mean hes off doing his own thing with his own friends and SO so its ok. if he’s happy im happy for him! maintained friendships with everyone i was close with before and even caught up with some old friends like alice, esther, rowena and i even met up with priyanka once although she never hits me up anymore lol i tried ok she is a busy person. got pretty close with like albert and will especially the past few months and everyone else really through talking to them about my struggles and issues and i know they all care about me truly <3 i love my friends and i am very grateful for the bunch of them. still close to michael and michelle! and i became close to michelle kang thanks to rachel <3 hehe i love rachel she keeps it real for me and is there for me regardless i love living with her and being with her and she just gets me ya know? ily lots rachel wifey <3

relationships: wow where do i even begin....life was going well with jason and then it just went downhill and i am writing this post as single as i can possibly be HAHA we broke up in sept after 3 years but no hard feelings right? hes with someone else and i am content/over him for sure---i was losing feelings which is one reason why i called it off lol but ya he taught me alot but at the same time a lot of people don’t think he was the best for me lol...they all tell me i could do better/glad i am not with him so interesting to hear this now tbh we had some issues and they couldn’t be resolved properly...hope he isn’t mad at me or anything idk....i can say confidently that i am over him 10000000% and i won’t look back. downloaded dating apps in seattle lol and i got wrecked for 2019 HAHA met a really nice guy and hit it off well and i was really liking him but ya tldr did couple-y things and were even exclusive just to have it called off bc there was no attraction and surprisingly i’m not mad at all even now! it hurt the first few days but im over it now. thank you next! (if youre reading this please know this is true and i do want to be friends and this time apart with me being in the bay has helped a lot--took my mind off of a lot of things lol i just want whats best for you!) i know hes looked at my tumblr before lol thats how close we were imo since only a select handful know of this page... he was the first guy i was amazed at for his maturity and levelheadedness actually so kudos to him! not many guys are like him so hopefully the next is just as mature lol i am talking to some guys super casually tho but ya i gotta just focus on myself and friends/fam instead of boys lmao...i am extremely afraid of being vulnerable and opening up and even truly liking someone again because they always leave and i always get hurt and broken lol hopefully i learned my lesson this time haha boys are scary and i have 0 expectations anymore ha ha ha! im open to dating not too sure about being tied down though idk if the right boy comes along so be it!  i dont want to come off as like dependent and insecure and always needing a boy with me for validation--i dont want to jump from 1 boy to another boy so fast bc my heart needs time to heal and recover lol i am baby heh 

this is a very long post so ima write my 2020 goals on a different post aha overall 2019 sucked kinda but also didn't suck lol hopefully 2020 is better haha

#personal #text

[how-long-do-they-last]

honestly, im so done with my mom rn like yes shes been drinking and moral of the story shit ALWAYS goes down when shes drinking but she knows it upsets me and all that other shit but she honestly doesnt care. she says she does, and to a p o i n t, i think she does but she cares more about herself than me. i have had more than one conversation with her that pretty much went ‘i want you to stop drinking’ ‘well if i stop drinking im going to end up killing myself from how much physical and mental pain im in, is that what you want? besides, i can stop any time, im not an alcholic’

even then, i have to pick her up of the floor at least once a week, normally 3 or 4 days most weeks. it doesnt even stop when im at college an hour and a half away. i know that if she calls past like 10:30 shes most likely up drunk and im going to end up upset and having self harm or drinking urges by the end of our conversation

thats not even the end of it! shes said, literally just in the past 2 days, that a) if i have a self harm relapse then im getting kicked out of the house. even though i have told her before that it stems from her drinking she still doesnt care enough to stop and b) that i had better not be venting about her

i know all this stems from the ‘cycle of violence’ and all that shit but like she knows my grandmother put her through it and that she ‘will let up on me’ but she drinking is off the table. BOTH my psychologist and psychiatrist have said, even with her not being there AND when she has been there, that it would be beneficial for her to go to rehab but she keeps giving the excuse she doesnt have time

i understand that right now is not COMPLETELY her fault, because as of right now im off my meds (but keep in mind i have been for a while at the end of college and was doing relatively well), but its still largely her that causes most of my mental health bullshit

im fighting with myself about getting back on my meds (and fighting her) so right now finding them is the first step. i started to look for them and supposedly i ‘didnt look hard enough’ and that i have to ‘throw everything on the floor to have looked good enough’ and that if i dont she will

im also partially stressed over work because ive worked 20 hours after stating literally this saturday and picked up 2 unexpected sets of swim lessons.

im also pretty lost when it comes to coping strategies and mechanisms right now (plus i dont have a professional to talk to to help/be able to talk about this shit to someone who is not in the situation) so im falling back on old habit. my mom literally WATCHED me try and down a bottle of like beer after i had a pretty bad breakdown and said NOTHING about it being bad (plus threatening to kick me out of the house if i cut (or do a number of other things but thats besides the point)

shes bottom line emotionally abusive, normally when drunk, but still, it doesnt hurt any less, it doesnt fuck me up any less, it doesnt wreck my mental health any less, and somehow im not more desensitized to all of this shit because its been going on for YEARS now (though ive only recognized the abuse for about a year and a half now)

im just so done with all this shit and (which seems to be my only true saving grace b/c it happend pretty much every time at this point) if i didnt have work tomorrow i would end up self harming tonight despite her threats  

#long post #leah things

[royalblurryfacedbastard]

Today was p okay-ish. I didn’t sleep last night so it was sorta hard for me mentally and also kinda physically. I’m obviously not feeling very well after a night of staying awake.

Coding class went p okay, we didn’t get much done as usual but I talked a lot w JJ and AS and also EL. We made a mascot for the game we’re gonna make and he’s just a Russian meerkat. Named Konstantin. Beautiful stuff.

Anyway, I gave Z a hug before English class and I actually wrote some things on my literature assignment during the class. I got kinda super tired after a while though and bleh. I sat w my face resting on my hand and was half-asleep for like 20 minutes before we got to go to lunch.

I was lucky enough to actually run into our social studies teacher right as English class ended and I talked to him and told him I was gonna go home early and not attend his class. He told me I’ll catch up (it was more in a way that meant I won’t fall behind for going home tho) and that really eased my anxiety about going home. Ever since I got my ADD diagnosis I’ve been near panicky anxious about missing out on school and classes and all that so it’s always been hard for me to actually go home when I’m feeling unwell. I didn’t feel that unwell today though but my anxiety got rly fucking bad when I realized I’d get home at 5:30 if I went to social studies. So that’s the reason I left. I think another reason it’s hard for me to stay home or leave school early is bc I’m seriously terrified of falling back into my old habits (as in never going to school and fall behind and all that, the way I was before my diagnosis and before I got help) and the way my brain works is if I stay home a day or two I’m back in my old habits. Even if I go to school after staying home. Even if it’s just one day my anxiety goes thru the roof bc in the back of my mind im thinking “I’ve failed, I’ve fallen back, I’ve relapsed”. Even if that’s not at all what’s happening. That’s how terrified I am of ‘relapsing’.

On a more positive note, I know the rules for the older Swedish D&D games pretty well now after my not-sleeping last night. That’s gonna be useful tomorrow since we’re most likely gonna continue the adventure we started yesterday then.

And I looked through some Pathfinder rulebook w AS today during coding class and we argued a bit about which race is the best and then we both got fuckin Amazed at these other races that you don’t see in D&D for example. The art was really amazing and both he and I thought this one character w antlers was super cool.

I’m also gonna order a D&D starter set and probably a Pathfinder starter set too tomorrow which I’m p excited about. I mean, I don’t mind reading rulebooks and whatnot online and finding adventures online to play w my friends, but I’m really hyped up about getting physical books w adventures and rules and all that fun stuff. And more dice ofc. I love dice. I got a lil starter kit w dice from dad’s friend yesterday and I love em. They’re cool and purple and smooth (the d20s I bought the other day are much more harsh in texture and although they have fuckin nice-ass colors they don’t roll very well) but I’m also super excited about getting More of Them. Pls don’t judge me rn okay I’m rly excited about my new interest. Even tho I’m having a rough time understanding some of the rules I’ve read about. I’ll learn tho. And then I’ll be thE GREATEST DM EVER. Or at least a decent one.

But yeah I went home. Took the 1 pm bus home. Waited in the town an hour from my hometown bc I promised ES to ride the bus w her and when I changed my mind bc I’m tired she got kinda mad and I felt bad so I waited. For an hour. Yes. I shouldn’t have promised to begin with bc I always regret stuff and change my mind back and forth and blah blah blah. But oh well.

It wasn’t that bad tbh, I mean I got to hang out w ES after all. What was bad tho was that my fuckin card stopped working so I couldn’t ride the bus, but luckily ES payed my ticket and all was well.

I’m home now and I’m p exhausted so I’m just gonna eat, watch some vids and then sleep.

#personalstuff