#im just also a miserable cynic at the same time :) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sleepy-vix · 2 months

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hi! i’m the person who asked for music recs the other day and i’m gonna tell you what i thought abt it them :)

for mitski, i listened to “once more to see you” and “francis forever”. so im already into mitski BUT ive never really heard once more to see you, which is why i was like ooo i rlly gotta listen to this. AND IM HAPPY I DID. i loved the “come inside and be with me, alone with me // alone with me, alone” and “then i wouldn’t have to scream your name atop of every roof in the city of my heart // if i could see you, once more to see you” parts because just ASGDJIKG. this song made me sad but in a comforting way if that makes sense 😭. i also listened to francis forever, and as a mitski fan this song is always up there on my ranking. it’s like the song that got me into mitski, how could i not like it ??? it’s also just always too relatable, everytime i hear it.

moving on! NEXT UP IS THE SMITHSSS! i also love the smiths, i listened to “heaven knows im miserable now”, “i know its over”, and “there is a light that never goes out”. heaven knows im miserable now is such a real song, it was like the second (i think??) song that i listened to from the smiths, i feel like when someone looks at me they can tell id like this song 😭. then there’s i know its over. this song feels like slowly drowning, but not in a bad way. like you’re in one of those movies where the main character is sinking under the water and the light blue light from the top slowly fading away, and they just let it happen. it’s a gentle song, yet a sad song imo. and lastly for the smiths, there is a light that never goes out. this song used to be on all of my relationship playlists, it reminds me of happier times. it was the first song from the smiths i ever heard, and i think it’s the same for a lot of ppl. overall i loved the smiths

then laufeyy. i’ve listened to a few of her songs before but i don’t think i’ve heard “above the chinese restaurant” and “promise” before (two of the songs i listened to. i also listened to “falling behind” :) above the chinese restaurant was such a good song i was surprised ive never heard it. even though its something in my usual music genre, i really enjoyed it. it was such a sweet yet soft and sad song (i keep thinking every song is sad for some reason😭) it gives me “sometimes you don’t know you love something until it’s gone/ you don’t know you need something until it’s lost” type vibes. falling behind had such a nice tune, i could see myself listening to this on loop lol. (its a little too relatable tho, not in a bad way ofc) next up was promise, OMG i heard the first part and i was like in love with this song already. it’s omg i omg, i’m just 😭 almost cried listening to this song genuinely. it described almost exactly how i feel rn in such a perfect way i’m in love with this song.

and now into some stuff i haven’t heard before:

asleep among endives (ichiko aoba). so i don’t know what she’s singing about, but i already know without translation that its real. the vibe of this song is so relaxing, it reminds me of waking up at 4-5am when i was little for roadtrips and being so tired but i stay up because i want to see the sunrise. and then when the sunrise comes, that’s this song. this song feels like the first light of the day. it feels refreshing.

yumeutsutsu (lamp). this was another relaxing song, it felt like when it rains and the sun is out so you’re sure you’ll see a rainbow. it feels like looking for loved ones in the stars, it felt bittersweet and melancholic.. even though i don’t know what she’s singing about (i’d look up the translation but like that’s a lot of work 😞)

NOW TV GIRL!! i love tv girl and i had a huge tv girl phase just a little while ago, i still like them but i also listen to other music now lol. when i was in my phase all i listened to was tv girl 😭. but for tv girl i listened to “cynical one”. i really liked this song it felt like a reflection pond.

THATS IT FOR MY REVIEW!! sorry for leaving this whole essay in your inbox i did NOT mean to write this much omg 😭

NO THATS TOTALLY OKAY. I WISH I KNEW WHO U WERE CUS YOUR TASTE IS SO IMMACULATE AGHSBSJS

now that ik more abt ur music taste i can recommend a few more!

for the smiths- frank sinatra. theyre not the same but alot of ppl who enjoy the smiths enjoy frank sinatra too in my experience. i recommend "somethin' stupid" and "the world we knew"

for tv girl - i reccomend femme fatale by velvet underground

also for tv girl - i recommend music by the strokes. my favourites are "call it fate, call it karma", "the adults are talking", and "welcome to japan"

for laufey, i recommend any song by matt maltese. my favs by him are "you deserve an oscar" and "curl up and die"

i also recommend eloise if u rlly like laufey. "trick of the moon" is her most popular song, i believe.

that's all for now !

also, i dont mind the anon thing but could u pick an emoji to sign off with so ik its u? :)

have a nice day !

#asks

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kareofbears · 3 years

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persona 5 strikers thoughts and feelings

This is going to be a long post. Like, the type of post you’d only really have time to read when you’re trying to sleep but you’re not ready to be unconscious yet so you’re just looking for something to do to spend your time with minimal effort.

So in 2018, a masterpiece was born into the world: Into the Spider-verse was released and it was amazing—it’s honestly the best spiderman movie we have without a doubt, and it’ll be very far into the future before Spider-verse is beaten as the best spiderman movie. Them’s the facts. Then in 2019, Spider-man: Far From Home was dropped. It’s a great movie! Great characters, great continuation of who these characters are and works fantastic as a continuation of a story. It’s really hard trying to take the torch of a previous movie (or in Marvel’s case, juggling twenty something movies) and come up with a new movie that both works on its own, as well as being the next step in this series of films. Thus, with that idea in mind, I think it’s kind of unfair to judge into the spiderverse and far from home, because these are two movies with two completely different objectives in mind.

Okay, so this is still a persona 5 strikers post, I promise, but the idea is the same: Persona 5 could basically do whatever it wanted—new story, new characters, new everything, and it’s just plain old awesome. However, Persona 5 strikers did not have that sort of freedom. It was bound to the original game, and it had its own rules and stuff it had to keep intact, characters they had to work with, and on top of that, it had to justify its existence as a sequel (lets pretend money doesnt exist lmfao).

SO, the big question is: did it do that? Did it justify its existence?

And my answer: holy fuck did it ever do that

I came into this game knowing the extreme bare minimum. I knew there was someone named Sophia, and i knew there was roadtrip, and i knew there were Personas. That’s my knowledge of it before i played it on the Switch. I should also clarify like, early on, that i was not expecting anything from this game. At all. I was the world’s biggest cynic of this game—if you scroll down my p5s tag far enough, youll just see me complaining about a game that hasn’t even come out yet. I was fully expecting to have this be a Waifu show, and any male character that isn’t Akira to just be shoved aside like some kind of nerd in a high school hallway, and i have never been more pleased to be wrong. In fact, i actually owe it an apology, because of how fucking rude i was for no reason!!! Because this game deserves everything to be honest.

Persona 5 strikers is, frankly, insane. Insane in the sense that it got to pull shit off that just would never have existed in the original game, because the original game is scared. It had to be as impressive as possible and garner as much attention as possible. Strikers does not have that problem—every single person who bought that game does not need to be convinced that persona 5 is a good game. They already played it. That means Atlus can just fuck around and have a good time, and man did they have a good time. There’s still scenes that still shock me if i think about it too hard, because i’m used to atlus having to follow this sort of rule set when it comes to persona 5 (or any of the main games im assuming, but i havent played them.) And on top of that, there’s still shit that’s Atlus Trademarked Branded in a good way. The style of story of story telling, and revealing the mystery that is so integral to what p5 is, is still there.

So, to make this even a little bit comprehensible, i will make a list!

First of all, What is this game?

In short, this game is an OVA of an anime. It’s bonus side content that has one thing in mind: to showcase these lovable characters more by putting them in fun situations. That’s it, and it is just phenomenal. That was the main point of, i’d say, like forty hours of the game. It’s just fun times with fun characters.

But to get deeper of what i think is happening, or what they were thinking during the development, is that this is a second opportunity. Persona 5 (as we all know) had a lot of problems, and we were not quiet about those problems. We yelled it all out, made posts, made complaints on every social media platform ever. And Atlus heard all of them, and Strikers is a way to mitigate those mistakes. Aside from being a fun OVA, Strikers also works to be a deeper exploration of these characters—more specifically, the characters that did not receive much in the original game. Creating this sequel is having the ability to redo what they felt (or to be more specific, we felt) in the original game while adding new ones. I will get to that in a second.

The format of the game

Absolutely brilliant to throw them on a road trip. P5V already forced us to experience Shibuya for 200+ hours, and im so glad that they didn’t do that again. Going from town to town, making us experience these new places alongside our favorite characters is so good, and it just makes sense. It’s fun, it’s lighthearted, and it’s actually shockingly good. But one thing i do want to talk about early on is the way the story unfolds and the villains that they use, and what they do with it because it’s very interesting.

So as we explore japan and stuff, we encounter jails, and with those jails comes an antagonist. This antagonist works to be a parallel to one of our characters. That character will find it in their hearts to feel bad for the antagonist, because the antagonist could have been them had the original game not happen. At first I thought all of the thieves were gonna get an antagonist, and i was really hyped for the ryuji one. And then came to hour forty of the game where i realized “yeah that’s not gonna happen. There’s just not enough time.” And i was right, and the game ended. But i am not salty at all, honestly, because the people who got a direct antagonist were: Ann, Yusuke, and Haru. (we wont count zen and sophie).

Is there a trend??? Yes. these are all characters in the original game that have received the worst treatment by atlus. The three of them are basically cast aside the minute they finished their original arc, and its horrible! BUT that’s why this is the path that atlus chose for them—to give them more depth, and screentime, and a way to show their inner self. That isn’t to say that the ones who aren’t those three (makoto, futaba, mona, akira, ryuji) didn’t get anything. Futaba still has her thing at the end with ichinose, and she was very prevalent and animated during the rest of the game. Mona and Akira have to be a focal points, that’s just the nature of the game. The other two though, I will talk about in depth in a second.

Makoto

Y’all i poke fun at shumako fans sometimes cause its kind of easy and fun, but i honestly love makoto. In my very first playthrough of p5 (my first ever jrpg game, first persona game, i had no idea what i was doing), i had only maxed out two characters: ryuji and makoto. And i know she had a lot of screentime and love in the original game which is great, but i truly felt like she was dissed in this game. Her only roles were

A driver

Someone to tell them “we don’t have a choice. Let’s keep going and see where this takes us.” (seriously, if you replay this game, you will see how much she does this)

Idk, i just wish she had more to do, especially compared to how much love they gave the other characters.

But let’s talk about some of the new characters!

Zenkichi

Damn you atlus. Damn you and your insistence at bringing in cop characters. I was fully on board with hating zenkichi, i was fucking ready for it. I was convinced that there was nothing they could do convince to like zenkichi. I was immune to their copaganda.

And then i ended up loving him, which makes me sad a little bit. I didn’t realize how desperate i was to have an adult who has a persona. Someone who wants the world to change just as much as they do, while still having that aspect of them that makes them adult. Like??? As someone who is technically an adult, its a breath of fresh air. An adult. Who fights. For justice. Using a persona. And god i love akane so much, and her obsession with the thieves (that scene is probably in my top ten fave scenes of the game). Also what i loved about zenkichi is that he fucking hates the cops!! He hates the system of the cops!! And thats why i actually really started to love him!! Because i thought it was atlus saying that the systematic problem of the police cannot be solved by one person, and zenkichi threw away his badge. I actually cried at that part!!

But then he became a cop again, and i was just :/ but as a character, i really love him to bits and would love to do a study on him, or at least use him as an outside pov. But! i absolutely love his persona, since im a les miserables fan hehe

Sophia

she’s probably my favorite new aspect of the game. I was ready to not like her—again, i just suck like that, lmfao—and when i saw her, i was scared that she was just another waifu. I mean, she was very cute after all. But then as the game went on, i thought she was a little too cute. And even further into the game, i finally slapped myself in the face and realized oh my god shes not a waifu. Shes a sister.

That blew my mind, im ngl to you. A female character that isn’t supposed to be romanced? By jove, what a miracle!

And she…is an amazing character. Im sorry, i just love her so much. I love her so much that she probably ranks as my fifth or sixth favorite character which is surprising even to me. Everything about her is delightful and invigorating. She’s funny??? Her comedic timing is amazing, and she has such chemistry with the rest of the team. She’s actually useful to the plot, and while her character design is a little too on the nose for me in terms of cuteness (i mean, good god she’s wearing oversized sweater to show how cute and tiny she is, and her hair has literal hearts in it), she is absolutely lovable.

But what i actually really wanna gush about for a second is sophia at the last stage of the game. You get the idea, i dont really like to get excited over things, so at this point i figured that there was nothing this game could do to shock me.

And then sophia had a persona awakening.

Like. holy fuck did i yell. I didnt realize what was happening until the music had already kicked in. and its just so fucking smart!!! Sophia??? The ai?? With no heart?? gOT A PERSONA???? AWAKENING??? BECAUSE SHE LEARNED WHAT THE HEART IS AND THE PASSION THAT YOU NEED IN ORDER TO GET A PERSONA??? I started crying honestly, because it was just so smart. And looking back on it now, its obvious!! Of course it would lead to this, it only made sense that the culmination of her character arc leads to her getting a persona, nothing else would have been as good. Also, her voice actor is just amazing?? When she was talking to ichinose at the end, i actually got incredibly emotional because of the line reads. Its just so spot on and it really captures the essence of sophia.

Muah. five stars Atlus. You got me.

Ryuji <3!!!!

Oh man. Oh boy. Okay. so where do i start.

Yall know i love him. Hes probably my favorite fictional male character of all time, and he is the one i was the absolute most cynical about in this game. I was expecting literally nothing. Nothing. Like. nothing. I thought he was just gonna keep being used as a joke, or a gag, and he’s gonna be super horny all the time for the other girls and it was gonna make me mad and there was gonna be some insane homophobic/queerphobic jokes in every other scene and i know i was being unfair, but i cant help it.

And then i played the first two hours of the game, and i cried the entire time. Because ryuji has never been better than he is in this game. Its crazy.

The ryuji in persona 5 strikers is who ryuji should have been/how he should have been treated this entire time. From the actual funny jokes (for example, the gold bar joke + his reaction to it in the beginning of the game), defending his female friends instead of being the one people need to defend from (natsume arc), and the fact that he was the one to be there with morgana and akira in the very beginning of the game. Its such a small thing that they didnt even need to do, but it was such an integral part of the original game for me, that i just was convinced that nothing like this was going to happen. But then it happened. Its just small stuff like that that could have been overlooked but it wasn’t because this game? Persona 5 strikers? Fucking loves ryuji.

The actual respect they gave this boy is insane and i wasn't ready for it. Like, they gave the shujin trio lunch, they gave the little charm of the katana when they were in natsume’s jail, and, in my opinion this is the second-best thing that they could have given ryuji is sophia. Ryuji and sophia are the pinnacle of a brother & sister bonding relationship in the game that isn’t akira & futaba. And its really prevalent too?? Small stuff from the beginning of the game (pulling her out of a jail, calling her shorty), but then you have the iconic “shut the fuck up” scene, and that scene was so well characterized and written and voice acted, that somehow him saying “fuck” was the least exciting part of that scene to me. Ryuji is an older brother to her, like its undoubtable, and its only further cemented at the end of the game where Ryuji helps out ichinose because he knows how much sophia cares about her. This game. Love ryuji. And i love. This game.

You know what else i love? Akiryu.

Guys. i was fully prepared to starve in terms of akiryu. But theres just. So much of it. I wont get too deep into it, because i think this aspect of the game for me still needs marinate a little bit. Like, what was that last shot when EMMA died and Ryuji walked to approach Akira so they could relish in their victory together?? And the smile from both of them??? What the fuck. That was amazing. Also Joker being saved by Ryuji when he was about to fall from the cliff to save sophia??? WHAT. The LEADER AND HIS RIGHT HAND MAN? WHAT. anyway. If theres anything i want to keep for myself in my own brain, its the akiryu aspect of this game, so i wont talk too much about that part of things (instead, itll probably manifest in fic lmfaooo).

Sure, there’s tidbits of stuff i dont like that they gave ryuji: sexualizing ann in that one cut scene and making him touch the jails even though it hurts, and i recognize those and frown at them, but for the most part, i am blown away with how they treated him.

Basically, Ryuji has never been better. From the opening of the game with him being the first text message and the one to sling his arm around akira, to the very last cut scene where it was ryuji wordlessly leaving because he’s so confident that they would never be separated for long, this game adores Ryuji and i am so so happy to say that.

The Royal aspect of things

Yeah, i had to talk about this, but itll be a short thing i just wanted to point out. Because the last part of this game...is persona 5 royal. Which is curious. Like taking reality and giving that power to someone else so you dont have to experience suffering anymore? And even like, the final section just looked a lot like the top half of maruki’s palace?? And whats even crazier is that we had a boss fight with sophia, just like how we had a boss fight with sumire? Royal and Strikers have like, the same thesis statement. It’s kind of uncanny.It’s interesting, it’s like atlus came up with these two ideas, and then just decided they liked both of them so much that they just did it twice. I don’t mind though—actually, in terms of how the last Palace/Jails go, i probably like them both about equally.

Though i did love the final battle in this one more than i did in royal. Splitting into teams?? Thats cool as fuck, and really innovative and i didnt see it coming. It also kicked my ass. A lot.

Now for the last stretch: the small stuff!

The music — bomb as fuck. In my heart, Daredevil is ranked the same as Rivers. Axe to grind is also amazing, but Daredevil owns me

Akechi — i really debated whether or not to talk about him, but i figured a bullet point should be enough. Im really shocked that he wasnt in this at all. Like not even a name drop. If this is an OVA, and the point of the game is to please the fans, and akechi is arguably the fan favorite character, i was really ready for something. But there was nothing, except for the pancake hallway if that even counts as a reference. Thats it. Thats all i wanted to say about him.

The humour — FUCKING HILARIOUS im convinced that in my fifty hour playtime, five of that is dedicated to me laughing and unable to continue the game

Akira — so much personality! His lines of dialogue are crazy sometimes (like. Whats up with him saying Ryuji has ‘nice abs’ when they were in bath? Im crazy and even i dont know what the fuck that could mean)

Battle system — oh my god i almost forgot to talk about this. I love it! I kind of miss the turn based aspect just because i found it very comforting for some reason, but this hack and slash style of gameplay is so invigorating because i do feel like it justifies shit like the baton pass and huge attacks. This battle system fully encompases how the Phantom Thieves are supposed to fight, you know what i mean?

Anyway, thats my thoughts on strikers. Loved it. Amazing. 9.3/10, wouldve been higher but Konoe’s Jail almost bored me to death. Also im a monster and i didnt do any requests that isn’t a fun one, teehee. As if i play persona 5 for the persona aspect of things.

#cant believe im done #but you know what?#i was actually at peace when i finished it #so i consider that a good healty thing #p5s #alex plays p5s #mine #p5 #my moon and stars #the leader and his right hand man

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imagitory · 4 years

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Favorite twst boys?

Oooohoohoo, you wish me to talk about my Night Raven College baes? Let’s see then...

Ace Trappola ~ Okay, so I should admit right off the bat that I have a huge soft spot for the Heartslabyul dorm in particular. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll are one of my favorite things ever, and so most adaptations of those works tend to give me some amount of glee, even the really flawed ones. But for Ace specifically, it took me a little while to warm up to him, given that he can be a real prat, but once he and Deuce really rallied around Yuu (especially when they dropped everything on their winter break and took the bus all the way back to school during the Scarabia incident to try to rescue them and Grim -- MY HEART!!!), I fully adopted Ace as my second trash son and that was that. I also loved Ace’s development in the Ghost Bride story line, as well as his admittedly harsh, but still rather fair tear-down of Riddle immediately pre-Overblot. Ace can be really harsh sometimes, but that also makes him an incredibly honest sort who won’t take anyone else’s bull and won’t let anyone push him around -- yet at the same time, he’s also lighthearted enough that he never takes himself too seriously. In some ways he kind of reminds me of Jounouchi Katsuya from Yu-Gi-Oh!, and that’s definitely a compliment.

Deuce Spade ~ MY ORIGINAL TRASH SON. I loved Deuce pretty much from the get-go, considering how passionate he was about trying to fix the mistake with the chandelier and how adorable he was casting the only magic he could manage (“COME FORTH, CAULDRON!” XDD). Then there was the whole “chick” incident where we not only saw his delinquent side which he tries so desperately to hide on full display for the first time, but we also got to see how much he truly loves his mom and how friggin’ stupid and yet absolutely sincere he is, and I just fell in love with Deuce even more. The Wish Upon a Star event where we learn Deuce wants to basically be this world’s equivalent of a sheriff after having been such a delinquent in his younger years only made me feel all the more for this guy -- him wanting to be so much better than he was even if he’s not the smartest, strongest, or most talented guy around I find so compelling and likable.

Riddle Rosehearts ~ Yeah, I know, a lot of Heartslabyul love, but like with Ace, it took me a LONG while to warm up to Riddle. I thought he was a total jerk and I wanted nothing more than to give him a good telling-off (“go ahead, use that stupid collar on me -- I don’t have magic for you to block, you bullying prat!”) until Ace got around to punching Riddle in the face and then tearing him a verbal new one for me. It honestly took Riddle’s Overblotting for me to feel the least bit sorry for him, but it was how sincerely he acted after the fact in trying to make up for his mistakes that really softened my heart to him. Riddle has lived his whole life following rules and convention to the letter, and it’s made him miserable, so now that he’s come to grips with the fact that he doesn’t need to be miserable in order to live an upstanding life, he’s softened a bit. Even with this, though, that rule-abiding, upstanding attitude isn’t always hard to shake, and I think it makes for a much more balanced outcome than if Riddle just went hog-wild and stopped caring about everything -- because the whole reason Riddle followed the rules so closely is he wanted to do what was best for all and to be the best he could be, too. His motivation for being so strict came from a deep passion for leadership and order, and I’m glad that passion of Riddle’s wasn’t dampened, but instead given nuance. Now he can focus his passion more effectively, rather than lashing out in all directions indiscriminately. Like Ace as well, I loved Riddle’s development in the Ghost Marriage plot line, particularly his individual side story with Malleus. It really showcased Riddle’s noblesse oblige moral code, which I personally find the most compelling and likable aspect of his personality.

Jack Howl ~ JACK IS A GOOD BOY. Anyone who disagrees can fight me. (LOL, not really, but...) Like with Deuce, I liked Jack pretty much immediately. From the start, he just came across as so much more down-to-earth and honest than either of the other two main characters from Savanaclaw (even if Jack is also a total tsundere, but honestly, if you’ve watched any kind of anime, you’re fluent enough in “tsundere” as a language to know exactly what Jack really thinks of something). He was sort of depicted as a black sheep in his own dorm, and -- honestly? -- I’m a sucker for characters that are sort of on the fringes and don’t quite conform to what people expect them to be. Add to that how passionate Jack is about working hard and being the best he can be in his own right, as well as how deathly loyal he is, and he’s just overall a character I would love being friends with.

Jamil Viper ~ Jamil was the first character who Overblots who I actually felt sympathy for long before we see his side of the story in flashback form. Part of this admittedly is because I could sort of see where Jamil and Kalim’s story was going ahead of time, but the other reason is that I could see how much work Jamil put in all the time. Even though yeah, it was a real dick move to try to foist out Kalim so he could become Head of Scarabia instead, and yes, he manipulated things to make everyone see Kalim as cruel and irrational, it doesn’t change the fact that Jamil still acted like a Dorm Head a lot more than Kalim did a lot of the time, in the sense of making sure things run smoothly. Kalim definitely brings amazing enthusiasm to Scarabia as its leader and inspires a lot of positive feelings in the people around him, but if there’s a problem, it’s Jamil who often ends up fixing it, not Kalim. And from the start, I really felt for this guy who Kalim -- simply due to privilege -- didn’t seem to acknowledge he was demanding so much of, without receiving the same kind of attention and appreciation in return. I never disliked Kalim for this, because I could tell Kalim didn’t mean it maliciously and admittedly Jamil really should’ve said something since Kalim adores Jamil and would have likely been more than receptive to hearing what he had to say...but at the same time, given their power imbalance, it’s also not completely unsurprising that Jamil didn’t feel like he could say something. The best part about Jamil for me, at least, ended up coming out after he was allowed to finally speak his mind. Yeah, maybe he’s a little meaner now. Yeah, maybe he’s not so patient or amiable now. But he’s also allowed to show more of that deep, searing passion and ambition he’s been bottling up for so long. I loved seeing how much he enjoys dancing and performing through the Fairy Gala event and the recent Pomefiore chapter. I’ve loved how thoroughly (and pretty justifiably) distrustful he is of Azul. I’ve loved how he’s sort of on the fence emotionally about looking after Kalim the way he used to and making sure Kalim doesn’t expect his service the way he subconsciously did before. Jamil is one of the TWST characters who surprised me the most in how much I enjoy him, and I honestly can’t wait to see how much more he grows.

Epel Felmier ~ I WILL PROTECT THIS BOY, OKAY. Not because he’s delicate-looking, but because damn it, if he wants to eat macaroons and steak with the wrong fork, then he should be allowed to just go out and do it. I absolutely love the contrasts we’ve already seen in Epel so far. For as sweet and bishounen as his face is, he has a real rough, informal side fitting his background as a kid from the country, and yet he also has his “Prince Charming” moments too. He completely on his own comes up with the idea to arrive riding a horse when trying to impress the Bride during the Ghost Marriage event, and yet he’ll also tear into a bunch of ghosts who dare mistake him for a girl. Epel reminds me of a friend of mine from high school who also was a lot gruffer and more cynical than his short height and cute face would suggest, and it makes for a very interesting character, I think. You can’t pin this kid down or put him in a single box, and I think that’s awesome.

Vil Schoenheit ~ All right. Before the Pomefiore chapter, I thought there was no way in Hell that I would ever warm up to Vil. His slapping of people’s butts in the Fairy Gala event, his superficial focus on exterior beauty, and his bullying, condescending attitude toward Epel in particular really made me dislike him from the get-go. But then the Pomefiore chapter started and we reached the auditions...and I found myself agreeing with just about every critique he made, in contrast to Rook’s sunnier, fawning reviews. It made me feel like I was watching American Idol or America’s Got Talent and agreeing with Simon Cowell (which I honestly almost always did, whenever I watched those!). And as the Pomefiore chapter’s unfolded, I’ve seen that fascinating contrast in Vil. Yes, he’s very superficial -- but his dream is to act and be an idol, and in that world of celebrity, appearances are important. Yes, he’s very conceited -- but he’s also an incredibly hard worker who’s put in a lot of effort to improve himself and his talents to the point that he should be proud of them. Yes, he’s almost cruel in how relentlessly he pushes people -- but he never holds anyone to a standard he wouldn’t also expect of himself. Yes, he’s very forceful and sees his way as the only way -- but he does truly want those people to succeed in his own weird way, even if he can’t properly express it. Not to mention the fact that he’s constantly typecast as villainous characters, and he just wants to be a hero who makes it to the final curtain call!! My heart!! It’s made it so that like with Jamil, I’ve found sympathy for Vil long before he Overblots, and so I’m all the more eager to see how both the Overblot itself and its aftermath impacts Vil as a character and his relationships with the other characters.

Malleus Draconia ~ Oh, come on, who doesn’t love Tsunotaro? This precious child needs all of the love and party invitations in the world! (And yes, he may be an immortal fae, but he’s still a precious child to me, so there.) I would totally love chatting about gargoyles and grotesques with him. X3

#ask me #opinion #twst #twisted wonderland #oh boy here i go #ace trappola #deuce spade #riddle rosehearts #jack howl #jamil viper #epel felmier #vil schoenheit #malleus draconia

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constablegoo · 3 years

Text

STUDY : Odo.

— basics.

▸ is your muse tall / short / average ? 6′0″ (and described as tall)

▸ are they okay with their height ? it’s one of the few things he has complete control over, so. yes.

▸ what’s their hair like ? slicked back, sandy. the texture is only approximate to real hair. it’s in mimicry of the scientist who ‘raised’ him. it’s never out of place in the slightest, but if it is, something’s seriously wrong.

▸ do they spend a lot of time on their hair / grooming ? it takes about half a second to achieve his usual look -- but it wasn’t always that way. recreating hair is not easy but it’s straightforward, and so he’s spent a lot of time practicing it. he won’t often deviate, but if he does experiment, it’s usually because of someone else’s passing comment.

▸ does your muse care about their appearance / what others think ? terribly. he’s both extremely self-conscious AND has an image to keep up, one he’s fabricated to appear more authoritative. at the same time, he’s not uncomfortable in his body -- just finely aware that he’s wearing an imperfect mask and that what lay beneath breeds hatred and fear. he’s extremely protective over who gets to see evidence of his natural state.

— preferences.

▸ indoors or outdoors ? outdoors. but he’s spent most of his life inside. :/

▸ rain or sunshine ? both, very strongly.

▸ forest or beach ? he would loooooove to see both, some day.

▸ precious metals or gems ? only in terms of an interest in their physical properties.

▸ flowers or perfumes ? no sense of smell. :( but he does love to look at a flower!

▸ personality or appearance ? hahah. personality. imagine the irony.

▸ being alone or being in a crowd ? alone... just not isolated.

▸ order or anarchy ? ORDER, babey. he sucks.

▸ painful truths or white lies ? painful truths, GOD the painful truths. he’d far rather know, any day -- and he dishes them out, too.

▸ science or magic ? science. he’s very much a detective.

▸ peace or conflict ? peace. but he’s never really seen it.

▸ night or day ? either.

▸ dusk or dawn ? same.

▸ warmth or cold ? warmth, although it’s more difficult to shapeshift.

▸ many acquaintances or a few close friends ? a few close friends. he says for ages he doesn’t need anyone, but he’s a big sad liar.

▸ reading or playing a game ? reading uwu

— questionnaire.

▸ what are some of your muse’s bad habits ? oh boy. self-isolation, self-destruction... not asking for help when he needs it. taking matters into his own hands. and he’s P-E-T-T-Y, overly sensitive, fiercely independent, touchy. he’s short-tempered and grouchy and gnarly to be around a lot of the time -- and rarely happy. he’s cynical and sarcastic every chance he can get away with it, stubborn, haughty, condescending, and self-conscious to the point of pushing everyone away... yeah he’s got issues lmao and he perpetuates this deflective image out of a deep fear of rejection. but he’s also a little tsundere with a very soft heart. :P

▸ has your muse lost anyone close to them ? how has it affected them ? for the longest time, he hasn’t allowed himself to become close to anyone. he has, however, seen a lot of death and a lot of injustice, and it has informed his view of the universe. he also reacted so strongly to the threat of kira’s execution that it shook him out of a kind of hypnosis :’0

▸ what are some fond memories your muse has ? there aren’t many lol. he had absolutely no childhood and grew up in the midst of decades-long social and political turmoil. but after the end of the occupation, he, like the rest of bajor, began to heal, and im sure the fondest memories of his life are with the family he finds aboard the same station that saw so much misery.

perhaps the only other early memories he has resembling something fond are of seeing wildlife while under mora’s care. :”)

▸ is it easy for your muse to kill ? he won’t, as a rule. he does kill someone, but he won’t unless it’s accidental or the situation is extreme (wartime). even then, he won’t touch a weapon (he already is one). :)))

▸ what’s it like when your muse breaks down ? he,,,, literally melts...... dsfjglkfd he becomes a mess!! in spite of what he projects, he’s very emotional and very easily emotionally influenced, almost a little bit of a teenager. he can’t physically cry, but when super angry he WILL lash out and become surprisingly destructive. he’ll also shut down and/or lock himself away... he’s so miserable lmao and he actually doesn’t handle it all that well

▸ is your muse capable of trusting someone with their life ? oh hell ye. for someone so chronically paranoid and kinda lone wolf, he works so well in a team afsgdjkdf

▸ what’s your muse like when they’re in love ? this goo... is the softest lover,,, ‘lover’ is kind of a lofty word i dont like to use but that’s what he is, a huge hopeless closet romantic. :/ he daydreams and get distracted ... he’s so dumb... he reads self-help books and shitty romance novels adgfhjs and he’ll pay EVERY cost to make sure his crush never knows, but it’ll still show in a thousand little ways,,, its so stpuid... it’s gentle... a little bit shy but earnest and certain..... it is intense, unwavering loyalty and devotion and attention, but it’s honest, too, grounded in the reality of the world and the fact that people are deeply flawed and corruptible.

he’s also so ??? perplexed by it all that one time he thinks a small disagreement means its over, and so he quietly and respectfully accepts it but doesnt think to ASK. oh you sweet summer slime ://///

tagged by: @downpaths thank u!! :D

tagging: @memoryfaded / @blossomingbeelzebug / @sailorvinus / @sadnessruns / @fasciinating / & anyone else who’d like to do this!! tag me and i’ll read it! :^)

#sorry can u tell i started writing my first ship for odo on discord :/ terrible news everybody :/ :/#its been 2 years tho so i GUESS he can have a little happiness #⌀ EVERY SIXTEEN HOURS I TURN INTO A LIQUID! [ about. ]

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hollyjung · 4 years

Text

& intro

IM YOONA / CISFEMALE. — holly jung is really making a name for themselves as a sheep. i think that she is studying fashion design in their senior year at lockwood, living in potentas. originally from laramie, holly is known to be nurturing & diligent, but can also be bossy & cynical. — ani / 27 / gmt-3 / she/her.

drugs tw, kidnapping tw, disappearance tw, missing person tw

- this got infinitely long so, tl;dr: born in busan, south korea. parents divorced and remarried, moved to wyoming with her mom and stepdad. dated elias, nearly got married. studied pre-law for a bit, freaked out, ran off, came back to study fashion design. personality wise, she can come off a little ditzy but it’s a defense technique. really smart, kind, but has been through bad shit and knows better always, no matter the circumstances. mom friend but if you call her that then she’s your no longer friend.

okay so long detailed bio ahead!

- when she was barely months old, her parents split up. truth was, they’d both been in love with other people before holly was conceived, but they’d tried to make it work for her once they’d realized she was on her way. - her mom got remarried shortly after to a handsome older guy who worked at the same company she did but in america, and he got her a transfer to his office — in wyoming. - holly sees her dad once a year, at most, sometimes even less, but they are on good terms. sort of. her mom’s really taken to the american spirit (was always ready for it, always a huge fan of the culture, named holly after holly golightly because audrey just seemed like a mouthful), and her dad isn’t always fully on board with her choices, but they’ve managed to still love each other. the distance helps. - laramie, wyoming, is nice little town, but not a great place for anyone who’s a little different. holly, though, was always too caught up in whatever she was currently being passionate about to even notice if anyone shot her dirty looks or tried to bully her. she always had goals, and was too focused on achieving them to give a shit about other people. - she’s always been passionate about her goals, but she’s never persistent about them. at five, she decided she’d be a ballerina, and her parents sent her to dance school for years. at eight, she decided that was stupid, and she wanted to be a vet. her parents bought her a puppy. at nine — you get the idea. it could’ve been attributed to her being a kid, but then she’s just stayed like throughout her whole life, and it’s resulted in her being very good at small talk because she knows a little about many things, but not a lot about anything. - because of this, when she got her first crush at fourteen, her mother paid no attention to it, sure it would be passionate infatuation for two seconds and then she wouldn’t even remember the name of the boy. this was not the case, in the slightest. instead, she dated elias for so many years, her parents were sure he’d be the one (she was sure he was the one, too). - by the time they started dating, holly had carved a nice little spot for herself in high school, despite the difficulties. she was a cheerleader, had perfect grades, and as far as she was concerned, was enough of a rebel to be considered cool among her friends. sure, her rebellion only went as far as getting wasted and maybe even doing a line every now and then, but she sure felt like she was living the rockstar life. - from the start, elias had been the center of her universe. her life was easy, her house was a peaceful one, and though he wouldn’t say it, she’d been to his enough times to know his wasn’t, and it made her want to look after him, protect him. he was so good to her, she couldn’t understand how life could be so unfair to him, and thus in her brain a plan started to form, which they discussed in great detail. they’d go away, live somewhere far away, get married, have a thousand dogs. be safe and happy. she’d take care of him (this part she didn’t share). - when wyatt disappeared, things took a dark turn. fingers were pointed. threats were made. holly had been at the party with elias, holly had known wyatt, had babysat him, she couldn’t get out of being involved and she wouldn’t have wanted to. her parents were worried, but unlike a lot of people in their town, they were always sure the paxton brothers couldn’t have had anything to do with it. they were good kids, they had no doubt about it. even when elias kept getting into trouble, and from the other side of the ocean, holly’s dad suggested she would be better off, they let her follow her heart. - her heart led her to lockwood, which felt like it’d be far enough, and where she knew the pre-law program was good. it was a bit of a surprise to everyone, that she’d choose law out of all things, considering she’d never shown an inteerest in it before, but her inner veronica mars had decided if every single laramie cop was gonna be an idiot about the case, she was gonna get a real degree that could help her solve it, and she’d find wyatt, bring him back, fix the whole thing, and her plan would be back on track. - elias proposed, and the plan seemed more real than ever. but then she was actually studying cases, learning about how things worked in the real world, and slowly, she started to become convinced that if they ever did find wyatt — the chances of him being alive out there were slim. it was a tough pill to swallow, but once it got into her head, it was all she could think about, and it started to get under her skin, constantly crawling into her dreams, making it impossible for her to focus on studying, and making her feel further and further away from her fiance. if wyatt was dead, she couldn’t be the one to find him, therefore, there was nothing she could do for him. couldn’t help. couldn’t fix it. it frustrated her to no end, irrationally so. - she broke up with elias, took a year off, went to see her father and basically hid in his apartment for a solid six months until he dragged her out and asked her to please, please find something to do with her life that wouldn’t make her so miserable. his new wife was a tailor. - fashion design is not her passion, but it’s something she’s good at. coming back to lockwood was hard, but she’s focused on her studying, and in getting her degree as fast as she can so she can get out of here, somewhere with less ghosts.

#wshintro #drugs tw #kidnapping tw #disappearance tw #missing person tw

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easylion · 5 years

Text

2019

I put indulging myself and my hobbies and my career on the back burner the last two years. and for good reasons, some of which those here may be familiar with, but its been hard to get out of that funk, especially with what i went through. i settled at a job quickly after graduation (for reasons i thought i would have to) that makes it easy to at least pay the bills and live on my own, but not much else. no travel, no fun trips, and sticking to a budget. as much as I've seen growth in some areas of my life; my friendships with new faces, my relationship, and professionally just by having the experience of not being in school and seeing how normal day-to-day businesses operate, i haven’t given much time to my personal growth. and in a lot of ways i fee like i lost a little bit of myself in the last two years. i did lose a bit of myself. i will never be that person two years ago again. and i didn’t mourn that loss. All of it spun out of control so fast that I had no time to comprehend it. and then i was consumed by the Adult-hole.

i’m frustrated by falling into this Adult-hole. living to pay bills, suddenly being inundated by these responsibilities i kind of forgot i would have. i’m frustrated with work, and having a job where i like the people, i’m happy, it’s no chore - but not feeling fulfilled. How can i be happy but unhappy???? How did I get here?

I have a boyfriend - and like, that’s not even the correct term for this man. i am the axis on which his world spins. i have known him since i was eight and he is The One for me. and a part of my heart i didn’t know i had grew and filled in the space of seconds for him. in this way, i am so very fulfilled. but not content.

I realize i miss school desperately. i miss the academia, the interactions with students and professors and feeling The Whole World was right there ready for me to take for myself. Don’t get me wrong, i love my relationship and my friends, but we don’t share the same passions and interests and slowly but surely i’ve found myself losing interest midway through conversations. i have a hard time staying focused and have found myself forcing conversation. and i had to look even harder at myself to realize that burden is on me, too. because i haven’t honored myself, haven’t made an effort to find things outside of this circle and life that are my own. That isn't anyone elses fault. i got duped by the Adult-hole. i got comfortable with being uncomfortable and now i’m suffocating. it’s made me quiet and sullen and not as enthusiastic about my life. I don’t like talking about myself because I am not happy with what i’ve accomplished so far. I dont mean to sound like im miserable. i have a happy life, happy friends, happy coworkers. but i realized i didnt deal with some of the things that happened to me as well as i thought. and compounded on top of not sharing my time with those in my academic field or even places like here, where other interests in my life are shared, i barely recognize the person i am these days.

It’s also so so hard at this age because - seriously - comparison is the THIEF of joy and it makes the Adult-hole more darker and all consuming. WHY am i wasting all this time being frustrated by people living their lives. I was living the life for years with responsibilities, wondering why people were reacting to my trips and education the same way i’m reacting to people enjoying their lives now. I used to think, you make it work if its what you want in your heart. its easy. its easy to have friends and travel and see people because i wasnt consumed by what others were doing. i was doing what i wanted to do! HOW did i let the Adult-hole dupe me and make me so cynical about people living their best lives?! Seriously, who is Social Media and Instagram to dictate i’m not fulfilled? why do i feel like i need to be anywhere other than where i am and the opportunities i have now? I know the things i NEED to be happy, not what everything and everyone else is pretending i need to be happy. I finally got it. I got the Wake-Up Call.

i sort of got to this realization a couple months ago. before, all of this was affecting my mood, my relationship, my work ethic. but i finally had this wake up call that i can change all of it. i may not be in control how much The Man and the Adult-hole squeeze out of me, but I can get serious again about the things I always wanted to do and the person I want to be. I miss the person I was when i had cultivated all of these beautiful friendships here, the person i was when travelling, and the person who didn't blame The Adult-hole for not honoring and honing those friendships and experiences and above all myself. I miss the person who thought about other people as much as herself. but who have i been consumed with? its sad, but no one. i have been going through the motions because i was so BURNT OUT by myself, i didnt even want to honor myself. and how can i honor other people if i dont even like who i see most days?

I finally threw myself into plans. Contingency plans. School again? Move? across the country? where can i work in Jordan, in Oman, in London? Fuck it, move to Hawaii.

i swear, i was making crazy drastic plans by the minute. I realize, obviously, that isn’t realistic. but I could start changing things little by little. reach out to people i missed when they crossed my mind. Take the time to ask people how they were doing. Look at programs and school, try to change things little by little. Yoga on Saturdays. God, I’m terrible, but it makes me feel better. Really. Get back to the gym. SAY IT WITH ME GET BACK TO THE GYM. YOU FELT BETTER. YOU SLEPT BETTER. YOU STARTED YOUR DAY EARLIER AND EVERYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT THE GYM IS TRUE. STOP spending STUPID money. you have LOANS TO PAY!!! JORDAN, when was the last time you wrote? remember how much you loved writing, how you wanted to publish short stories? when you were writing you were more emphatic, more human, more in touch with your day. oh, and drink some FUCKING WATER you heathen. vodka and coffee aren’t going to hydrate you!!! Clean up and light a candle. watch a new show. read a book once a month. find a church or a class. and for the love of god, put your fucking phone away when you're around people you care about. I MEAN IT.

I decided to find me in 2019. I have started my process to the job i want again. I’m talking and networking. People are prepping me for the whole process. it’ll take about a year. But my transcipts are requested and i’m writing my responses to the application questions and I’m keeping at it (which may lead to me having to delete this blog, who knows, but for now it stays). im looking at options where schools takes me to that career, too and looking into academic programs.I’m bouncing ideas off those who are in this field and they are as enthusiastic for me as i am. and finally, finally, i feel good enough, i feel like i can do this. and its because i’m making these smaller goals in the hopes it makes me feel good rather than lousy if i can’t accomplish everything. its working. i think the big change comes from all of these smaller changes. I want to feel like me again.

#personal

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dumbhoe411 · 5 years

Text

I call this: I’m not relevant or knowledgeable enough to make posts but I just want everyone to treat each other with kindness

I’ve had to rewrite this because I accidentally deleted the first one... it’s probably for the best I got a little emotional.

Anywho I’m going to start this by saying I am in no way talking down on anyone I know people express themselves differently and A post like this can make it seem like I believe more highly of myself than others but I don’t, I’ve been that person who is a cynical asshole who makes everyone around them feel utterly miserable but I’ve learnt through people that I’ve met and things that I’ve seen that life is better when you’re kinder and happier and look for the best in situations. I’ve learnt from Harry himself a phrase that I’ll live by for the rest of my life, a phrase that has bettered my life overall and made me into a person that I’m happy with and I love myself a lot more than I used to. I’m only 18 and I have a lot to learn and experience but for now I’m content with myself.

This last week has really shown me an ugly side to people that Im honestly shocked by. It started with some things I saw on twitter regarding the Dolan twins fathers death, im not super into the Dolan twins I know who they are but I don’t watch their videos, however this is still utterly disturbing to me and it should be for any sane person. There were people who were making fun of it to promote their favourite kpop bands and that just left me feeling horrible and sad. Then came those people who were trying to attend the funeral itself like it was some opportunity to meet their idols and those people didn’t even see anything wrong with what they were doing. Disgusting.

Then came the babygate drama that we all know so well and we’re all sick of, I personally don’t beleive babygate I think it’s horrible and the people who think that babygate is best case scenario need to rethink their morals. It’s a horrible theory that, if it were real, has ruined so many people’s lives including the child itself. If babygate were real I most likely would stop actively supporting louis and his career because it’s such a scummy thing to do and be a part of. Just because you don’t like the idea of louis or Harry being with other people doesn’t mean you have to scare off every single person they get close to, it’s their business let them live. People would rather believe that louis’ own biological father is the actual father (yes this is something someone said) than believe that louis just got high, forgot to wrap it and trap it, and as a result accidentally conceived a child, this is someone that happens so often it’s not unheard but what is unheard of is a celebrity faking their own child for 3 years who coincidentally looks exactly like him. It really shows that people don’t tend to practice what they preach, there are people on this site who have “treat people with kindness” in their bio’s but as soon as someone disagrees with them they start throwing insults left right and centre. Recently there was someone with an apauling attitude I’m sure you all saw, they are a huge advocate for babygate and have made so many rediculous theories, which I don’t have a problem with we all make our own theories everything that has ever been said about Larry has been purely theories, but when you bring in the people in Harry and louis’ lives like their families and just insult them like you know more than they do, the people who actually know louis in real life and know his life, that’s when it becomes a problem. When you treat your theories like they are 100% the truth that’s when I have a problem, and then justifying your behaviour by saying it’s all public information that is already out there on the internet. That doesnt change the fact that it’s still rude and disrespect. Your maturity really shows when you counter and argument or criticism by insulting the person who criticised you and then turn the argument into them. I sent them a little message in hopes that they would read it and reflect on it and show some empathy or at the very least think about what I said. (However I recently found out they just blocked me and didn’t read it at all.) I’m going to post what I said here and kind of direct it in general to people who don’t see a problem with some of the gross things they post and people who chose to actively insult others online.

People sometimes forget that Harry and louis are real people. Some people treat them like they are characters in a movie who don’t have real feelings or real families, friends and loved ones. Larry to me is about celebrating a special love that is greater than any other, the fact that something that’s all about love has created some of the most hateful people is disappointing. I just wish that in the future we can realise that not everyone is going to have the same opinions but that is no reason to insult someone. I also hope that people start to actually treat people with kindness and practice what they preach. Sometimes people don’t meet people who can impact their life and bring out their best qualities but people in the 1d fandom don’t have that excuse, Harry styles is a wonderful role model who has pretty much shaped me as a person. He preaches and practices kindness and people admire and respect him for it and I hope that someone reads this one day and this can change them.

I’m aware that this is quite a pathetic thing to address, I’m an 18 year old who loves 1d an alarming amount and who is currently spending her free time (which is a lot as I’ve just finished school) talking about a relationship that may or may not be real and ranting about how gross the internet can be, but I just want everyone to see that kindness is a virtue, it’s something that people admire and find desirable in other people. So to the 4 people who may see this please, please please be kind and gentle with one another everyone deserves kindness. Treat people how you want to be treated and love one another. All the love - dumbhoe ✌️

#larry stylinson #harry styles #larry #babygate #dolan twins #louis tomlinson #treat people with kindness #kindness #love #be kind to one another

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masterturner · 5 years

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long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still. im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time. i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull. the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly. i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward. i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too? i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking. maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was. it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow. and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different. it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable. maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt. i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it. i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else? even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that. i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish. why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt. i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place. there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow. but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year. since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all? did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now? i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know. eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess. she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far. it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain. ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep. but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining? i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though. but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same

#do not reblog this

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deansdirtylittlesecretsblog · 6 years

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Mimi’s RomCom Fluff Challenge Masterlist

Thank you to all the amazing authors who participated in my 16K RomCom Fluff Challenge. The challenge was to take a quote from a romantic comedy and write a fluffy piece using the quote as inspiration and in the fic. I’m excited to share these, they were awesome and a lot of fun to read!

10 Things I Hate About You:

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. - @torn-and-frayed (Dean) Faithfully

13 Going on 30:

We need to remember what used to be good. If we don't, we won't recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes. @emoryhemsworth w/Dean Simple Man

America’s Sweethearts:

Your pillow's better than mine. @klaineaholic w/Dean Takeoff

A Walk to Remember:

You have to promise not to fall in love with me. @mrs-squirrel-chester (Sam) Sam’s Magic Fingers

What's there to talk about? She's the best person I've ever known. @sis-tafics w/Dean Lucky Me

Breakfast at Tiffany’s:

A girl can't read that sort of thing without her lipstick. @supernaturalismalife Queen: Part 1-Mirakuru

I'll never get used to anything. Anybody that does, they might as well be dead. @winchesterswoonathon w/John I’ll Never Get Used to Anything...

Clueless:

Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you. @roxyspearing w/ Dean Date Night

Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. @rizlowwritessortof w/Dean Friendly Advice

If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him? @supernatural-jackles w/Dean Help Hotline

Crazy, Stupid Love:

Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped! @pinknerdpanda w/Sam Blast From the Past

I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up. @fireismysafety w/Dean

I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working. @deanssweetheart23 w/Dean Crazy, Stupid Love

Ever After:

She came to tell you the truth, and you fed her to the wolves! @plaidstiel-wormstache w/Dean To The Wolves

You have found my weakness but I have yet to learn yours. @bringmesomepie56 w/Dean Now Or Never

Besides, you claimed it was a matter of life and death. @waywardimpalawriter w/Dean Memory Lane

Are you putting me under house arrest? @katymacsupernatural w/Dean House Arrest

Failure to Launch:

And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that. @salvachester (Dean) Living Conditions

Friends with Benefits:

Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want, is to manipulate them? @acreativelydifferentlove Not So Secret

If you tell anyone about this, I will rip your ears off and staple them to your neck. @wi-deangirl77 (Dean) A Different Side of You

It’s not you. Nothing is wrong with you. He’s a guy. You gave him a five date challenge, he got you and cut out. Forget the douche! He’s a dick. He’s a dick douche. @fuck-im-a-hipster (Dean) Shake It Off

Hope Floats:

Oh, I like all of God's creatures; I just like some of them better stuffed. And he's one of them. @idjitmonkey (Sam)

Why does everybody keep asking me if I've been drinking? What? Is there like a coaster stuck to my... butt or something? @september-daydream (Dean) Not So Drunken Babble

I would have stayed with you forever. I would have turned myself inside out for you. @kittenofdoomage (John) Make You Feel My Love

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days:

You can't lose something you never had. @whatareyousearchingfordean (Dean) Bullshit

You see, the key to this game is being able to read people. @giftofdreams (Dean) The Perks of Reading People

Look, just give me back the necklace, then you guys can go on and kill each other. @rebelslicious w/Dean A Night in with Dean (bonus: Ode to Bobby Ewing)

Leap Year:

Why don't you stop trying to control everything in the known universe. It's dinner. Have a little faith that it will all work out. @mandilion76 (John) Flour Power

Well, when my 60 seconds came around, I realized I had everything I ever wanted, but nothing I really needed. And I think that what I need is here. And I came all this way to see if maybe you might think so too. @amanda-teaches (Dean) Better Than a Dream

Moulin Rouge:

You're going to be bad for business. I can tell. @thing-you-do-with-that-thing (Dean) Everything

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. @roxy-davenport (Crowley) For the Love of Horror

Never Been Kissed:

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. @evansrogerskitten (Dean) Something Sweet

The right guy, he's out there. I'm just not gonna go kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him. @abaddons.right.hand.queen (Sam) Right In Front (Sam Winchester)

Notting Hill:

I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. @castieldualangel (Dean) Tripping Over My Feelings

Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it’s possible you can be really, genuinely cool - and I’m failing 100%. @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog (Dean) The Kiss

Say Anything:

She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen. @thranduilsperkybutt (Dean) Office Supplies and Love

One question: are you here because you need someone, or you need me? Forget it, I don’t care. @sammit-janet (Sam) Always

So I’m single now, and everything’s changed. I hate it. @sea040561 (Sam) Everything’s Changed

Sixteen Candles:

I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday. @wvnchxstxr A Tradition to Share (sister!reader)

Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 30 major laws here. @nichelle-my-belle (Dean) The Memory Remains

Someone Like You:

Wow, there's the cynical bitch we know and love. @because-imma-lady-assface (Dean) Mel Brooks: Nightmare Cure

This is key to understanding the myth of male shyness. For while you think he is flattering you, he is actually flattering himself. Showing how open and honest and sensitive he is. @jessica-bones-winchester (Dean) The Myth of Male Shyness

Sweet Home Alabama:

I can't control her any more than I can control the weather. @ravengirl94 (Dean) Family of Strays

So I can kiss you anytime I want. @captainradicalpassion (Dean) Anytime He Wants

The girl I knew used to be fearless. @hannahindie (Dean) Fearless

The Notebook:

I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday. @captainemwinchester w/Dean The Notebook

Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'. @jana-corleone w/John Team John

The Princess Bride:

There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours. @jayankles w/Dean These Bad Boys

No more rhymes now, I mean it! @kathaswings w/Dean Aftermath

You keep using that word, I don't think you know what it means. @emilywritesaboutdean w/Dean Everything You Need

That does put a damper on our relationship. @babblesoftheinsane w/Dean Untitled

This Means War:

Don't worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up. @georgialouisea w/Dean Taxi Back From Hell

Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman. @wayward-marvel-sommer1196 w/Dean Crazy Stupid Love

When Harry Met Sally:

I'll have what she's having. @alleiradayne w/Dean Reprisal

When in Rome:

The whole point of love is to put someone else's needs above your own. @lovemesomepie85 w/Dean Always Love You

Now, you could get your heart broken or you could have the greatest love affair the world has ever known, but you're not going to know unless you try. @docharleythegeekqueen w/Dean Just Like the Movies

While You Were Sleeping:

$45 for a Christmas tree and they don't deliver? You order $10 worth of chow mein from Mr. Wong´s, they bring it to your door. @getmadandsmashstuff w/John Christmas in Connecticut: Or How John Learned to Love the Holidays

You’ve Got Mail:

You were spying on me, weren't you? @sofreddie w/Dean Avon Calling

#mimi's rom com fluff challenge #challenge master post

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chaosflight · 7 years

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when star wars: rogue one came out i compared it to les miserables for a couple reasons: it made me cry a fuckton the first three times i watched it and it ended with a massacre and immense sacrifice but watching it again i think that there's probably more comparisons to be had for instance, jyn lines up really well with jean valjean starts off cynic and heartbroken, weary and wary both of the world and the system and the people in it, brought to love/hope and ultimately living and dying by and for that love/hope her father, gallen (??) also fits with valjean but perhaps he also serves well as the priest, who guides the proverbial lost son (valjean/jyn) back into a path of love and hope now im really bad with names but cassian lines up with the lead revolutionary guy (enjolras?? idk i am so bad at names we are lucky i got this far)- he's already in the fight for change and hope, trying to rally for the betterment of the world/people in general, and willing to live and die by that- ultimately dying for it but with /success/ when revolutionary guy dies failing saw gerera (??) also lines up well fir the same reason, more accurately for dying without having himself achieved success krennic lines up fairly well with javert- first consumed with tormenting gallen erso but then with jyn, completely wrapped in the system, believing he's right- although in krennics case i think he absolutely knows hes a gd jerk but he still chooses to believe that bc the system in place supports him being that jerk he can and should, whereas javert has a sense of righteousness and justice thats simply been perverted in a way that makes leia marius/cosette, what remains after jyn/cassian/the revolution/valjean are gone. she/they are the hope for betterment after grave sacrifice that maybe seems futile and worthless im not sure how the rest of the supporting cast lines up but imma keep thinking about it an if anyone else has any thoughts id love to hear them!! if there are any major grammar/spelling, im sorry but im on mobile and its just too much effort to fix it rn

#star wars #rogue one #les mis #les miserables #text post

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lifeblood · 6 years

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how do u deal with depression?

i preface this by saying depression is different for everyone and affects eveeryone differently

it depends on how it happens sometimes i can stop it in its tracks but other times i just ride through it.

its really hard and its easy to think negatively all the time esp with depression but i really am working hard not to have a cynical outlook and all that weird nihilist suicidal humour anymore. the less you joke about depression and dying, the easier it is to manage mood because you dont feel miserable constantly

if you have healthy ways to vent and learn like. genuinely learn coping mechanisms and dont halfheartedly say what you ~should~ be doing in order to help yourself and that you could take care of yourself if you cared blah blah like tell that voice to shut up. take care of yourself. and don’t push it off on other people because you actively have to take steps, too.

but ya things suck sometimes. therapy/friends/family also help if you have someone who will listen. sometimes you go through rough patches and thats just how it is sometimes.

these are all things im actively trying to practice esp as of late and things are more manageable and my general mood has improved from past years with the same level of depression but im also not a professional

#Anonymous #asks #idk if this made any sense also thanks i really like get random anons #genuinely its so cute

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal, rachel has been living with me for the past couple days now and she's good company! im really looking forward to spending the rest of this week with her. i think im going to be pretty sad when she leaves but God, I trust you. Thank you for allowing us to have this time together and grow together on a deeper level. of all the people in new MAST, im glad i get to work with Rachel. I probably trust her the most rn. i feel pretty bad bc i tried to stay up last night in case Rachel woke up so we could start venting to each other but I ended up falling asleep around 8 or 9pm and didn't wake up again til 3:30am. I flaked on our session T 0 T but hopefully we can do it tonight! i think we both just feel physically and mentally exhausted yesterday so maybe unpacking everything tonight will lead to better, clearer results. im also realizing that i hate giving all the time without ever feeling like im receiving. even when i do receive, i dont really believe it's happening and don't understand the effort being made on other people's parts when they do give to me and it just feels off. maybe it's bc it isnt how i envision them giving to me is. i do want to be more appreciative of every moment when people do genuinely want to give to me but it is currently hard for me to understand. like it felt fine when rachel was cooking and cleaning my dishes for me and bc i saw it as not a big thing to clean my dishes, it wasnt that alarming to see her doing it for me. it just made life easier not having to do it myself but there was no real sacrifice being made i guess. i dont want to go home and just be listening to my sister and my parents' complaints all the time. i really feel like nothing will have changed. it was nice not speaking to them for a year and time i needed away from them to learn to be more self reliant and making a community and a life for myself here and away from them. i dont want to live the same life and be stuck in the same cycle over and over and over again. i keep ending up feeling miserable and burnt out in the end. i need to change something to make it different this time. i dont want to be defined by the ways that i felt hurt in the past. i dont want to be defined by how much i feel like i need to work in order to prove myself. i want to learn and understand how to rest and just be present and be with God. I keep feeling so alone and I don't want to be anymore. I want to learn and know and be willing to move forward and make something different so that I can serve better and be used by God better. I want to be able to stand up and defend and challenge the community to be more like Christ. I want to stand firm in my faith at church, at school, in public. I want to be able to rest in my identity in Christ, knowing that He is always on my side and I don't have to worry so much about everything else in the world. I do genuinely want to be able to fall down but not feel like I have to get back up for the sake of helping others. I want to be able to fall down and stay down and take my time getting back up instead of just forcing myself to be okay. I hate that I experienced a drive by shooting and being basically abused by my roommate this past year. They were both absolutely horrible, awful experiences that I really do not wish on anyone else. And I am so upset that I had to go through those things this past. Honestly, even recently, I have been bitter again towards God's for continuing to bring so much pain and hardship. I resent Jason because I feel like I can't get along or try to be friends with anyone he's had a falling out with in the past without feeling like I'm not being loyal to him. I know he feels alone and I want to stand firm and strong by his side so that he knows he isnt alone and that I will at least always be there for him. But that has kept me from feeling totally present and open with Angela, Chelsea, Yaeji, Cecilia, Joyce, Jiham, Songbee, Anna, Jiwoon, sometimes P. Josh, and I'm sure even more. It sucks. I feel like I'm being kept from making deeper relationships with people that I could potentially get along really well with because I'm trying so hard to stay loyal to Jason. And plus, I feel like whenever I have expressed concern or given him an issue that I need help dealing with or just someone to listen to, he is always quick to answer in an incredibly blunt manner. And sometimes, the challenge is a good wake up call for me to get up and keep going and do something about it instead of just wallowing in my pain and guilt. But other times, I just end up hurt. And again, he almost never apologizes! Even if I tell him he hurt me, he doesn't apologize! He just takes it as something to be assessed and logically figure out where to go from here. How did I not notice these things before? Was I just afraid to lose the few people that I did trust that I was afraid of ever seeing their true colors? Of actually seeing them for who they are instead of this perfect mirage I wanted them to be? And I always feel like I'm doing to my best to defend other people but because he's already so hell-bent on being cynical and pessimistic, he doesn't listen or even try to understand my point or that I may be right and he just isn't giving them the benefit of the doubt. I keep trying to do better in my relationship with him but in the end, I feel like I keep getting knocked down anyway and it leaves me to believe that I'm doing something wrong and need to learn to do better but maybe it's been his fault a lot of the times too. I was just too blind to notice or see. I don't want to be on bad terms with him. I don't want to hate him. I do really value him so highly as a friend and we've fought enough times whilst still maintaining our friendship together. But this is so frustrating and I can't move on from her at this pace. I need to break this cycle and change something. Anything. It was so hard for us to have a serious, normal conversation at all but then we talked it through, toned down the joking, and have started to move forward from there. I think also just because I've probably shared the most of my insecurities and inner most thoughts with him, I trust his opinion because he has all the facts laid out. And, he gets along with so many people that he's reached out to bc of his genuine character and pure intentions. Many people that I tried to reach out to but failed at. If he can do that and they see him as so great, he must be a great person, right? Are we just too close? Are we too comfortable with each other and I'm just left seeing all the excess ugly stuff that he doesn't show the rest of the world? He seems genuinely unhappy and bitter but I also don't know how to help him anymore without it taking a cost at myself. Or even if I'm willing to pay that cost, I don't even know what to do anymore. Sigh. I'm glad I have the opportunity to think more about this and process and reflect everything now that it's the summer. I want to keep this up and continue to document and flesh out all the thoughts and things running around in my mind. Johnathan messaged me earlier today to ask if I was able to rest well. I was surprised he decided to reach out and check up to see how I was doing. I didn't talk to Amanda at all yesterday. I saw her but I didn't even say hi.I texted her on the train this morning though and asked if she'd be down to get some coffee together today after her class. I want to be friends with her again. But not like this. I need her to know how I feel. Even if there's not much she can do about it to help the situation, I at least want to hear her side of the story. Or at least just let her know. If I don't tell her, I think my resentment towards her will always be in the back of my mind, silently lingering, slowly growing. I need to fix this now before it's too late. So, again. I'm upset with Amanda because I feel like I tried so hard to invite her to becoming more involved with Movement in order to be a part of the community. I was just a member my sophomore year and didn't ever make that much of an effort to get involved and as a result, I was definitely not a part of the community. I felt like I needed to get involved in order to be a part of it. And I didn't want Amanda to suffer the same fate I did as a sophomore and feel like she wasn't a part of Movement—especially as someone that was here before and is now in a ministry filled with a bunch of people she's never met before. I tried so hard to invite her so she wouldn't feel like such an outsider. But she almost never came. And, it really broke my heart when we were trying to plan for senior banquet and realizing that no one really knows Amanda that well. And I am really happy people have gotten to know her better recently. But when I found out no one knew her, I really felt like I needed to make sure people did and present the necessary opportunities for that to occur. Whether that was pushing her to do certain things or have to interact with people or whatever else. But then, the few times Johnathan asked her to come, she came. Why was me asking never enough but for him, it was so easy for her to be convinced to come? Is it just because we're on summer break and she doesn't have to worry about so many classes and the workload that comes with it? Does it even have anything to do with Johnathan at all?And, she is so incredibly loved and adored by the NU collective and has had such an easy time getting along with them and being accepted into the community. She never even came. I tried to come so much more often than she ever did and I never felt like I was at that level of acceptance. I still feel excluded and left out from the ministry a lot. What was so different about her that I didn't have? And finally, I'm upset she's dating Johnathan now. Not because that itself is inherently wrong or that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just upset because it shows me that they're moving on. And because I'm still in Movement, I feel like I'm still stuck in the past. And I know that that isn't true. It's in my hands now to take the baton that they've passed onto me and run at full speed ahead forward, bringing Movement to a brighter future. I do, genuinely, want to leave it knowing that it will continue to grow in the right direction. And I know that it'll take a lot of effort and sacrifice on my part. And I do genuinely want this. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone in trying to fight for this better future. I want to know that other people are serving with the same goal as me. That we are all trying to make Movement a better place and are willing to take the time and energy and make the necessary sacrifices to make that a reality. It's a lot and it's asking for a lot but if we're serious about making Movement a more God-centered ministry that is actively trying to raise each other up and keep each other accountable in becoming more Christlike, then it's something we need to do. I just don't even want to care anymore. No wonder Jason's more burnt out than I am. He's been doing this for a year longer than me and somehow found the strength to keep going and serving. And still, no one bothered reaching out to him or getting to know him. I think Movement as a community never felt the need to make the effort in reaching out to us as MAST because we explicitly signed up to voluntarily serve the community and learn to be disciples so that we could make disciples. But at the end of the day, we're only human too. We want to know we're not just people you see as someone whose responsibility it is to serve you. We want to know that we are someone you see as a friend. As a brother or a sister in Christ. Not just someone whose sole responsibility is to take care of you. Maybe that's why I'm so upset now. Because I'm caught in this weird in between area where I did have community with old MAST but now they're leaving and moving on with their lives. I need to learn to let go of them and find community in new MAST now. But because none of them were on old MAST, I don't feel like I have community with any of them. Especially with Joyce, Sean, and David, I still feel like they're people I need to serve. That I can't show my true colors to because I'm just expected to serve them. And I do, genuinely, want to trust them and be able to serve alongside them. And know that I can find community with them. But as of right now, I can't. I feel like I need to serve them and lead them in the right direction as the only continuing MAST member. Give them tips and advice on small group leading and how to hold themselves and everything else. Reasons to keep going when it seems hard. Ways to challenge them and and to do better. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting this fight by myself. Like the only person I can rely on is me. Even with P. Josh, I do genuinely love and trust and respect him so much. But, it really breaks my heart whenever I see him so discouraged and I want to do my best to change the culture in Movement so that he doesn't have to feel that way again. Or at least just not as often. I started going to bible studies and prayer meetings just to make sure at least one person showed up. Because if he was already discouraged to only see me come, how awful would he feel if no one decided to come. And I really don't want him to feel that way. He doesn't believe Movement has actually grown all that much. At least not spiritually. I believe we have grown a lot. Maybe not spiritually but at least that community aspect is starting to get there. It's better than nothing. And the 5 of us in MAST this past year did definitely grow maturity wise, mentally, and spiritually. We have grown in our faiths and matured and that's a result of him. We were able to live out these characteristics and newfound values because of the ways he led and taught and discipled us to be. We have grown. Maybe not as much as he might've wanted but we did grow. And even if people suddenly came out the last couple meetings just because it was the last one, at least people came and could hear and learn about the Bible and pray for the nations. Better they came, even if it was for the wrong reasons, than not at all. I am the happiest when I don't care. When I interact with people without worrying about how it might be affecting them. When I just act as unapologetically me as I can. And I usually get along much better with people when I do present myself like that. maybe things wouldnt have been so bad if the whole Eunice thing didn't happen. Everyone was quick to turn on her but I wanted to really try and hear her side of the story. I saw her as the victim that I needed to reach out to. But she hurt a lot of people and I don't think I ever took the time to really try and understand everyone else's perspective and their side of the story. At the end of the day, whatever her reasons were for pretending to be a student at NU, she betrayed and hurt a lot of people. That was the bottom line. And she needs to own up to her actions and acknowledge that would she did was wrong and apologize for it. No one will ever be able to move on if she doesn't. What happened with her is something we choose not to address and just ignore that it happened. I can't even imagine how stressed P. Josh must've been trying to navigate that whole situation and especially for something that drastic to happen during his first year. He had a rough first year and still decided to stay and try and salvage Movement. And look at where we are now as a result. Thank you, P. Josh. Truly. I'm surprised Jason said that Movement was so great for him his first year of serving with Angela. It was his everything and he loved it. I just assumed he also had an equally bad time as me but maybe because of the Northwestern life group, he felt differently. He's been so bitter towards everyone recently so I just assumed it had always been bad from the start. I guess I was wrong. We're not the same person at all. And we had very different experiences. And now we're both here now. And it's time to let go and move on. God, please give me the strength and the courage to confront Amanda today and express all these feelings that I have towards her. Please let us just get and have everything out in the open and leave no words left unsaid. Thank you. I pray this all in your name,Amen.

#reflection

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mrsteveecook · 5 years

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do I have to invite a manager I hate to my wedding, my team is snarky and negative, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to invite a manager who I hate to my wedding?

I’m getting married in about 11 months and we are sending out save-the-dates. For a while, a big question mark about our wedding has been whether or not we should invite my manager, Jane. She’s not actually really my manager anymore — I reported to her for four years before I got a promotion and then was moved under someone else. But my new boss reports to Jane too (our structure is kind of messed up), and so she still has a big say in my work activities.

The thing is, she’s a really difficult person who made my life miserable for the four years I was directly under her. I cried at work constantly and was stressed to no end by her exacting demands and micromanaging. Although I low-key hate her, I am a very friendly and positive person at work, and she thinks we have an excellent relationship both personally and professionally and has long liked me (and I have been able to advance because of that). When I got engaged, she demanded to hear the story and see the ring and has long joked about how my fiance needs her “approval.”

The only reason I think I should invite Jane is that a coworker once told me that Jane was adamant that employees have to invite their managers to their weddings, because “that’s how it’s done.” Jane went so far as to talk crap about three of our team members who got married without inviting her.

I don’t want Jane to be at my wedding because she has hurt me so much, but I’m terrified that if I don’t invite her, she will retaliate in some way at work. I can’t say that we’re not inviting any coworkers, because some of my best friends are on the team, and I’ve already sent them save-the-dates. My coworkers have urged me to invite her, citing my out-of-town wedding as a reason she won’t come. My fiance adamantly doesn’t want to invite her. I’m torn.

Don’t invite her. You shouldn’t have someone at your wedding who you hate and who regularly made you cry. You’re absolutely not obligated to invite her, or managers in general. It’s true that you shouldn’t exclude just one person from your team if you’re inviting everyone else but (a) that doesn’t sound like the case here and (b) that doesn’t really apply to your manager anyway.

It would be interesting to know if she did anything more than just some brief complaining about those other people who didn’t invite her. If not, I think you can move forward with peace of mind here; let her complain if she wants to. But otherwise, you could either ask the coworkers you’re inviting to keep it quiet and not mention it to Jane, or you can go with the time-honored “our venue is really small and so we have really strict limits on how many people we can have there,” maybe adding on “but thank you for being so supportive of us!”

2. My team is snarky and negative

I’ve been at my company for six years, and was promoted after four to an elevated but non-management role. The team is comprised of mostly newer members; apart from one employee, they’ve all been here less than two years. It’s an entry-level role, and we often fill it with people who lack office experience. Even factoring in the office behavior learning curve, I think there’s a problem with attitude and disrespect.

There’s a lot of swearing and friendly bantering, but I feel it crosses a line. Some days it’s almost constant between two employees — i.e., “I have a question” … “Your mom has a question” / “I’m not sure what to do” … “That’s because you’re dumb” / “Can you help me with something?” … “I can help punch you in the face!” It’s just those two who go back and forth, but it’s grating to hear the play fighting. There’s a lot of swearing and discussion of drinking (I also enjoy drinking but I don’t talk about getting wasted at work, because it’s, ya know, work.) We have a pretty casual office and I appreciate the lack of formality, but I feel like they take it 10 steps too far. When a newer member IMed me to share his similar feelings, I felt it was worth raising to our manager. Two days ago he sent a group wide email “to ensure we all get the same message” about being respectful of language and volumes.

The response has been … lackluster. I heard an over-exaggerated apology yesterday along the lines of “I’m SO sorry if I’ve offended you.” One of the girls tagged two others in a meme on facebook about getting people to stop talking to you, and they responded “that’s not appropriate” and “this is an office.” I showed that posting to my manager (feeling like a tattletale) but felt he should know they were treating it like a joke and he said “nothing I can do about them outside of work.”

I’d love to take it to my grand-boss, but a friend at work has said she doesn’t think anything will change. I know my manager is not effective, I’m not blind to that. I really like the rest of the company and would like to stay here, but this environment feels toxic and draining. Am I just being petty for caring so much about how they behave? Should I continue trying to raise it, or put my headphones in and ignore it? It also concerns me that we hire new members to the workforce, and I don’t want a potentially good employee to normalize such damaging behaviors.

No, that kind of thing is toxic over time. It breeds cynicism and negativity, and it can be really unpleasant to be around it all the time. It would be one thing if people had reacted well when your manager stepped in, but their response is really indicative of a culture problem. And that’s very much your manager’s business, so it’s too bad that he doesn’t think there’s anything he can or should do. It sounds like he needs to be a much more active presence around your coworkers, and possibly that he needs to have one-on-one conversations with people about what’s happening.

If your grand-boss has good judgment and is a decent manager, you could indeed mention it to her — explicating naming it as a damaging culture problem and flagging that a new hire talked to you about it too. You can also address it in the moment yourself when it happens by saying things like “It’s really unpleasant to hear that all time time — could you stop?” and “Could you take that down a notch?” and so forth. That risks them turning their snark on you as well, but if you’re otherwise warm and friendly to them, it might actually make an impression.

3. My manager told me to stop saying “again…” in response to the same questions

I am the team lead working on a tough engineering problem. Management decided to hold a brainstorming session with people who are experts in the general field but not familiar with the problem. I was tasked with putting together a pre-session by teleconference where I introduce the problem, provide background, and detail previous work. This was not intended to be the brainstorming session but just informational. True brainstorming with a face-to-face meeting will happen after Christmas.

I went through the presentation. We had an interesting mix of people who asked a lot of good questions sometimes about the same thing. When a question came up that I had answered previously, apparently, I answered by saying “Again, we did x experiment and saw no effect of y.” After the meeting, my manager told me that I should be careful not to use the word “again” too often. To him, he heard me say “again (you idiot, I already told you this!)” which was totally not my intent. I don’t even realize I use “again” that much or even at all. It might be my substitute for “ummm” while I’m thinking? When I do, I really mean “as you may recall from the earlier discussion.” This way I feel I can cut down on my response time since I already provided details previously.

I am a 50ish woman PhD engineer with close to 25 years experience, and my boss is a male mid 40 engineer with 20 years experience. I think we usually get along very, very well. I was providing information to a group of 6-10 mostly male engineers with similar experience in the field. I do not know most of them.

Is this weird feedback or is it me? I asked two other people in the room that I am friends with if they noticed that I used the phrasing “again” a lot and did it bother them (one man, one woman). They said they didn’t even notice. I almost feel like this is a situation where even though I am by far the expert, as a woman, I’m expected to use softer language. What do you think?

Hmmm. It’s definitely true that women sometimes get told to soften their language when men wouldn’t get told the same thing, but I don’t know that this is a case of it. In the context you describe, using “again” before your answer is indeed likely to come across as “I told you this before and it’s a bit annoying that you didn’t retain it.” Sometimes there’s a softer way to say that, like “Like I was explaining in response to Ryan’s question, we did X and didn’t see Y.” But just “again…” is likely to come across as either brusque or frustrated if you’re saying it a bunch of times in one conversation. (And that’s going to be true for men as well. This one isn’t especially gendered.)

When people are asking the same questions over and over, something’s going on. It could be that people aren’t paying attention, or it could be that you’re not explaining as clearly as you thought you were. Either is possible, but this sound like a pretty engaged audience, so it’s worth reflecting on whether it could be the latter! (It could also be interesting to ask your boss about his thoughts on that.)

4. My boss asked me to take a dance class with her

My boss recently pulled me aside after a team meeting and said she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she works part-time at a dance studio, and that I should really go take a class there sometime because “it’s a really great way to meet people.” I told her I’d think about it, but that I really needed to go finish up with my work for the day.

I understand where my boss is coming from. She grew up in Europe and doesn’t have family here, and she and her husband moved to the area a few years ago when our offices merged. On top of that, her husband is currently attending medical school, so she’s lonely. She and I were friendly as colleagues before she was promoted, and she knows that I went through a difficult breakup earlier this year.

It’s easy enough to brush her off for the time being — work is crazy, holiday parties, travel, etc. — but when you get right down to it, I believe in keeping my work life and personal life separate. She’s a nice person, but not a great boss, and I don’t really want her intervening in my personal life.

Unless she’s extraordinarily pushy, it’s likely that she’s not going to bring this up over and over. But if she does bring it up again, you can say something vague like, “Maybe, we’ll see!” If she brings it up after that, though, then you’re officially in Weirdly Pushy territory and at that point you’re going to need to give her a clear no. That clear no could be “I don’t think it’s for me, but thanks!” or “I’m old-fashioned about not mixing my work and non-work life, but thank you!” Or you could jump straight here the next time if you want, but a soft no may get the job done before that.

5. Applications that want contact info for all my past managers

I know that it’s important to ask permission of potential references before providing their contact information to a potential employer. Is this also true for filling out the work history sections of online job applications with the contact information of former supervisors?

I’ve come across online job applications that require the phone number of each former supervisor listed in the work history section, where that information is considered a required field and you can’t continue without providing a phone number. I wouldn’t necessarily ask each of my former supervisors to be a reference, but is this essentially putting them in the position of becoming a potential reference because their contact information has been provided? And so, do I essentially need to ask all of my former supervisors if they are willing to be a reference for me before I complete any job applications that require their contact information in the work history section of the application? I am hesitant to do so unless I am being seriously considered for a position since I want to avoid “reference fatigue,” but maybe this is unavoidable in a job search.

You should give them all a heads-up that they might be contacted, but you don’t need to do that every time you fill out an application. You can just do it once at the start of your search and frame it as “I wanted to let you know that I’m beginning a job search and some applications are asking for the contact info of all my past supervisors. So it’s possible that you’ll get a call from a potential employer about me, and I didn’t want you to be blindsided by it.” That notification is good for a few months at all; you don’t need to renew it with each new application you submit.