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sameheart-sameblood · 2 years

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Give You My All, My Everything

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: being Bucky's pilot and friend has always been more than enough for you. that is until a mission goes south, forcing you to come to terms with your feelings for him and the fact that they may not be reciprocated.

words: 3.8k

warnings: angst, fluff, minor violence, mutual pining, bucky and the reader being stubborn idiots, me not understanding anything in the marvel universe despite being a longtime fan

a/n: merry xmas to @padawansubscription! gotta admit i was nervous when you requested a bucky fic. and...im still nervous after writing it haha. hope you like it despite me not knowing the difference between shield and sword or knowing how pilot things work LOL

read on ao3!

As far as you were concerned, you had the best job in the world. Your love for piloting had turned into a career and that career had led you to S.W.O.R.D. No matter how excited you were to start at the organization, nothing could have prepared you for the danger you would face.

Missions were tough but thanks to your quick thinking and the professionalism of the agents you were paired up with, you had come out of them with a just few scrapes and even more stories to tell that would make sure you didn’t have to pay at the bar for at least a week.

Though you admired each agent you worked with, your favorite was the quietest one. It had taken some time for him to warm up to you, to realize unlike most people, you didn’t harbor some pre-conceived notions about his character. Over the course of a year, you’d coaxed him out of his shell, earning his trust and friendship.

And so, you were often teamed up together as his pilot when he was sent out on solo missions. You'd been on dozens of assignments together, most more complex and dangerous than the one you were currently in the middle of. So why had your comms suddenly crackled to life, him on the other end screaming at you to return to base, abandoning him and effectively leaving him for dead?

******

The day had started as all the other missions had. You both received your briefings, yours being a more “need-to-know” type situation, only getting the information that was pertinent to your job.

While Bucky received his much longer run-down, you had stopped at your favorite cafe, ordering a fruity tea drink for yourself and a plain black coffee in the largest size they offered for him. Try as you might, you couldn’t talk Bucky into exploring the vast offerings the world of coffee now had to offer. The most adventurous you had gotten him to be was to try an espresso. That had been one of your stranger missions, the high dose of caffeine making him chattier than usual.

You had to thank that espresso though. Without it, you’re not sure if your relationship would have advanced as much as it had that day. Instead of pulling information out of him, it came pouring out on its own. He had told you about his life before becoming ‘The Winter Soldier’, something you had always been to scared to ask about.

He told you about his younger siblings, who he’d always been close to, and his guilt over not seeing them before they passed away a few years back. His eyes had crinkled happily when he told you about his misadventures with Steve, how once they’d ridden the Cyclone on Coney Island so much his friend has hurled his guts out for the rest of the day.

After you had refueled at a tiny island somewhere in the Atlantic, he’d gotten more introspective, telling you about how a younger version of himself always imagined his life would go. The kind of job he might have had and the family he would’ve started. His eyes had gotten a far-off look when he’d spoke about those plans, as if they were still as fresh in his mind as they were back when he’d made them almost a century ago.

When the words stopped flowing so easily, you took over. He listened with rapt attention while you told him how your first experience flying planes had been after you’d begged your grandfather, a no-nonsense old farmer, to help dust his crops. After a million promises not to tell your mother, he’d given you a quick rundown of how his old, beat-up Cessna worked and then let you have at it.

You’d seen him fly it a million times but nothing could have prepared you for being in that pilot’s seat. Nothing had been the same after that, your thoughts consumed with flying. Bucky had nodded sympathetically when you’d told him how you couldn’t keep your love of piloting a secret from your parents and how disappointed they’d been when you proclaimed your intent on becoming a fully fledged captain.

He’d asked what they thought of your job now. Of course you couldn’t reveal everything to them, only telling them you were a pilot for the government. Eventually your parents had come to realize that there was no persuading you to choose a more practical profession. But you always felt the guilt of not living up to their expectations, even after all these years. Bucky had tried his best to comfort you.

“It’s your life to live, kid. Not there’s.”

That had made you smile. He always referred to you like you were so much younger than him, imparting wisdom that was usually only doled out by elders. Of course, technically he was an elder. But you both looked the same age. It was a tricky area to be in. Even trickier when you felt those first pangs of something beyond friendship.

No one would have blamed you for being attracted to Bucky. Hell, most of your friends were jealous they weren’t in your position. But for so long you were able to truthfully tell them that you felt only respect and admiration for the soldier.

But after that caffeine induced night of baring your souls to each other, something had shifted. It wasn’t easy to spend so much time together and not grow close. But you considered yourself a professional. And besides, Bucky had never given any indication that he thought of you as more than just his pilot and friend.

Several times, when you’d caught sight of his hair falling wispily into his eyes, or when you saw how the blue and red lights of the cockpit illuminated his lopsided grin, you’d thought of having a serious talk with him about how you felt. But the scared, childlike part of you worried that would risk your entire relationship. You would rather have him in your life as a friend than not at all.

As you waited for him to complete this current mission, you were having one of those rare moments of calm you didn’t usually allow yourself. Sitting and watching the setting sun over the ocean past your landing port, everything just felt right. The mission was an easy one, Bucky only needing to extract some papers out of a government base that, according to S.W.O.R.D.’s intel, had been recently abandoned. Soon you’d be off, back to headquarters with Bucky and the documents in hand. As soon as your comms crackled to life, you knew everything was not right.

******

“Kid, you there?”

Very not right. While a mission was actively in progress, Bucky was only ever a staunch professional with you, referring to you as Captain or as your pilot call sign, Bambi (assigned to you by your superiors when they saw your perpetual wide-eyed optimism). Outside of work it was ‘kid’, and when he was “sauced”, as Bucky liked to say, then it was ‘sweetheart’.

You jolt out of your seat, grabbing the receiver. “I copy, Barnes.” It was never Bucky while he was working. That name was saved when you were both off the clock.

He was too early to have already gotten the papers. You’d only just dropped him off half an hour ago.

“I might be a little longer than usual.” His labored breathing cuts through the static, raising the hairs on your neck. He’s in danger.

“What’s wrong?”

“You know how we were told this base was evacuated? Well, it’s not.”

Fuck. You power up the engines immediately, preparing for take off and extraction.

“How many?”

“Too many.”

You scoff. To you, there was nothing he couldn’t handle. “Very funny.”

The comms crackle again but nothing comes through, like he’s hesitating to say his next words. Finally, his voice breaks through, “I want you to turn around and get out of here. I’ll find another way off once I’ve dealt with these knuckle-heads.”

The seriousness of the situation outweighs the urge to tease him for the 1940s slang.

“Screw that. I’m coming to get you. Just hang tight.”

His voice comes through louder and more urgent. “No. I mean it. Get yourself off this island and don’t look back. That’s an order.”

You can’t compute what he’s saying. Does he really expect you to just leave? You’re nothing if not stubborn and so you disregard his plea, lifting off. “You’re not my commanding officer, Barnes.”

He must hear the engines powering up because he sighs, “ Goddammit, kid.” There will be time for him to chew you out later. But for now, you’re rescuing him whether he likes it or not.

******

The minute you crest over the ridge, you have to admit, you do feel your stomach drop with uncertainty. Bucky wasn’t exaggerating. The place is swarming with goons who most definitely weren’t supposed to be here. You don’t have much time to think about it though. The second the enemies catch sight of you, half of them abandon their attack on Bucky and aim their guns at you. Their insanely big guns.

As you try to dodge their bullets, not an easy feat in a several tonne helicopter, you spot Bucky surrounded on a roof of one of the base’s buildings. He’s taking the brunt of the heat but he’s giving as good as he’s getting. You feel a knee-jerk tinge of pride even though you should be focusing on fighting for your life.

After using your own artillery to take out some of the enemy directly in front of you, you’re able to focus on the threats surrounding Bucky. After a tense few minutes, you feel like you and the soldier are getting the upper-hand. You let yourself feel optimistic until you see one of the bogeys rounding the corner carrying a bazooka on his shoulder. And it’s pointed right at you.

The sight of it paralyzes you for a moment and that split second costs you precious time to dodge the attack. Thankfully, Bucky sees the threat and does one of those superhero, not quite believable leaps from the roof, throwing the bazooka wielder off his feet. The missile sails by the blades of your helicopter, narrowly missing it. You barely register the sound of it going off in the distance.

You hover as low as you can to the ground, urging Bucky to jump onboard. He finally gets the upper-hand, extricating himself out of the pile of remaining operatives. You know it kills him to leave a job unfinished and bad guys free to continue their dastardly deeds but still, he runs to the helicopter and jumps on. As you fly off, you see the few soldiers still left watching you with murder in their eyes. This won’t be the last time you hear from them but for now, you’ve won the fight.

******

The trip back is…tense. You switch from the helicopter to your plane that was left on the other side of the island and get the hell out of there as quickly as you can. The entire ride back to Headquarters, Bucky doesn’t say a word to you. That’s the most disturbing part of this day for you by far.

Every so often you sneak a glance over at him. His lips are set in a thin line, jaw clenched, his eyes never straying from the horizon. You also notice his hands, clenched so tightly his knuckles are turning white. The only positive you can take from the situation is that if he was really mad at you, he wouldn’t be sitting up front here with you.

For the several hours it takes to get back to base, you try to work up the courage to say something to him. You’ll be damned if you apologize. In your mind, you did nothing wrong. But you still crave the sound of his calming voice, appeasing the uneasy feeling that’s brewing in your stomach.

******

After you coast down on to the runway, Bucky jumps out, not waiting for you to finish your landing checklist like he usually does. He runs off towards base, shoulders tight and hands still clenched. You tell yourself everything is fine. He just needs a few hours to cool off. Let him give you the silent treatment. You won’t be the one to break first. Everything will be fine. You just wish you believed that.

After your debriefing, and a thorough dressing down from your commander, you stop by the cafe. Maybe a warm drink can fill that hollow feeling that’s spreading through you. The bubbly barista smiles at you, recognizing you as a regular. “Peach green tea and a large black coffee, right?”

You shake your head sadly. “Just the tea today. Thanks.” She gives you a sympathetic smile and starts preparing your drink. As you walk home, sipping your tea, you have to fight the petty part of you that wants to say screw him for making you feel like you did anything wrong.

It’d be easier to let that stubborn part of yourself win, severing the bond that you and Bucky had forged. But even though he’s only been in your life a short amount of time, you can’t imagine it without him. Your breath catches at the thought of it, chest tightening with anxiety.

******

After you wake from a fitful sleep, you’re greeted with a new disturbing thought. You had been so worried about if you would forgive him that you didn’t stop to think about how he’d react to your peace offering. You’re not quite sure what you would do if he were to reject your apology, the thought too painful to bear. So you try to push the unwanted thoughts out of your mind as you get ready for the day. He has to forgive you…right?

******

When you buzz his apartment, he doesn’t answer at first. You try again but are met with an unfriendly silence. Out of the corner of your eye you see a curtain moving in a window a few floors above you. Looking up, you see him peering down at you. When he sees you looking, he jumps back from the window, like he’s been shocked. After a moment and no sign of him letting you in, you press your finger on the buzzer annoyingly, unrelenting until you hear his voice through the call box. “Guess you better come up before you get me a noise complaint.”

When he opens his door, it seems as if your worst fears have come true. His eyes, usually soft and bright when they look at you, are cold as ice. How can you mend this friendship when he’s looking at you like that? As you step into his apartment you make a note to take one last good around so you can memorize it. This might be your last time in here after all…

Bucky turns to you, face now blank. “What do you want?”

Your voice catches in your throat. The apology you’d been so ready to give dies before it can see the light of day. That childish part of you that you’d fought to suppress is fighting it’s way up. You push it down with all you have. “I wanted to see how you were after what happened? How did Martinez take it?”

Bucky remains neutral. “I failed the mission and cost the organization hundreds of thousands of dollars. Let’s just say I won’t be getting employee of the month any time soon.”

“It’s not your fault we got the wrong intel. The important thing is that you’re alright.”

Bucky smiles but it’s callous, lacking the warmth you’ve come to know from him. “You really think I care what happens to me?”

Squaring your shoulders and standing as tall as you can, you get defiant. “What is your problem, Barnes.”

He scoffs, shaking his head. “My problem is I told you to leave. You jeopardized everything by coming back for me.”

There’s nothing you can do to fight the bitterness coursing through you. It radiates off of you and you're sure if someone touched you right now, you might scald them. “You really don’t know anything about me, huh? You should realize by now that I would never even have considered leaving you. I did what I had to do and I’m tired of everyone acting like I’m the bad guy.”

Bucky’s pacing now, like a caged animal. He avoids looking at you as he lets out a harsh laugh. “A soldier is meant to be expendable. Especially one like me.”

The anger that had bubbled up inside of you dissipates upon hearing his words. You knew he still struggled with his feelings of guilt over what he’d been forced to do for all of these years by HYDRA. But you had, maybe naively, hoped that you had helped him to discover his true worth.

You make a move towards him and he jumps. Stepping backwards to maintain a respectful distance, you continue, “You are just as worthy of being saved as anyone else. I would have rather died than have abandoned you on that island.”

Bucky steps towards you in a rush, crowding your space but you hold your ground, staring back up with a mixture of defiance and sadness. “You just don’t get it!” he hisses at you.

“Get what? Bucky-“

“Keeping you safe is my only priority! When I saw those creeps shooting at you…” He trembles with rage, clenching and unclenching his fists. Closing his eyes, he continues on in a small voice you’ve never heard him use, “Nothing has ever scared me more. I’ve lived through dozens of battles, seen the worst the world has to offer, but knowing you were in danger…”

He shakes his head, letting out a shuddered breath. “All I know is that if you had gotten hurt because of me I would have never forgiven myself.”

When it seems like he can’t speak anymore, you take a tentative step towards him. “You can’t protect me from everything, James.”

“I don’t see why not.”

You let out a laugh and look up to see him smiling slightly at your incredulity. He’s just revealed something major to you and yet he’s cracking jokes again. Your old Bucky is back. As much as you want to see him smile more, you know you can’t just brush past this revelation. You tentatively reach for his hand and he lets you take it.

“It’s not your responsibility to protect anyone, least of all me. You’re only human. Stop holding yourself to these impossible standards.”

He looks down at his hand in yours, a funny look on his face. “I didn’t use to. Not until I met you.” He watches as you slowly begin to rub your thumb comfortingly over his. From the look in his eyes, you can tell he doesn’t quite believe what’s happening.

You give his hand a squeeze and pull away. While you are touched and flattered that Bucky cares so much for you, you can’t be the one who makes him forsake his own well-being. “I don’t want to be the one that makes you lose focus, the one that might get you killed.”

His eyes go wide and his face falls, making him look so much like the boy who was forced to grow up too fast all those years ago. He opens his mouth as if to offer a retort, but nothing comes out. Bucky thinks for a moment, then smiles to himself. “Remember that mission to Belarus. It was our first time going out together and I’ll admit, I was mad they paired us up.”

You let out a grumbled protest and he shushes you with a stern but soft raise of his eyebrows. Grudgingly you maintain your silence and he continues on. “Most other missions before that, I had gone out alone. I preferred it. No one to distract me. If things would go south, my only solace was the fact that I wasn’t dragging anyone down with me. But when things got bad in Belarus with you…” He stops to remember, then looks to you, affirming that you remember just how truly fucked it seemed like the two of you were that day.

The fear of that first mission had never left you, always in the back of your head as a constant reminder just how seriously you needed to take your job. You nod as Bucky keeps talking. “When things got bad and I wanted to give up, I remembered I wasn’t alone. You drove me crazy with your incessant questions and your misplaced optimism. But even after only knowing you for a few hours, I knew.”

He brings your hand to his lips and kisses it delicately. “I knew that, for better or worse, we were partners. That we made a good team.” He kisses your other hand. “My fear made me want to keep people away but being with you gave me something to fight for.”

Bucky lowers your hands and caresses your face, smiling as you peer at him. “ I would have been dead a long time ago if not for you.”

He kisses you gently, barely pressing his lips to yours. For a moment, you can’t believe what’s happening. He breaks away and studies your expression, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “I can’t promise I won’t worry about you or that I won’t try my damndest to make sure you’re safe. I guess what I’m saying is that even if I die, you gave me something to live for. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

Your love for him washes over you like a wave. You pull him to you, kissing him as if you’ve been waiting to since you met him. And if you’re honest with yourself, you have always been waiting, too scared to admit it to yourself. In all your time together, there’d never been any question of you laying down your life for him. You would have done it gladly. But now, knowing he feels the same way makes you want to live for him, too.

When you break apart, he’s staring at you with a look of bewilderment. It’s your turn to laugh at his awe. His ears turn bright red and he lowers his eyes, grinning brightly. You tuck a finger under his chin, bringing his gaze back to yours and study his face, taking it all in as you’ve never been able to before.

The amount of love in his eyes overwhelms and you bring your forehead to his, trying to hide the tears threatening to fall. You stay there, basking in each other’s company. You’re not sure what to say to make him understand just how much he means to you. How do you let someone know that they’ve saved you from yourself and your demons, that they’ve made you feel seen like no one else has. You’ve never been particularly articulate, especially when so many emotions are involved. So you keep it simple.

“I love you too, Bucky.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky fic #bucky barnes #bucky x you #the winter soldier #marvel #i really need a crash course in all the government organizations in the marvel universe #also this really renewed my desire to learn to fly planes...#allie writes

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t0sshii · 4 years

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ginhiji hospital au??

I needed to get this off of my brain and I can’t draw or write so here it goes... Ginhiji but Hijikata is a nurse working in a hospital and Gintoki is the new resident who comes off as lazy but is actually a really good doctor (which surprises our boy Toushi)

More thoughts under the cut? (I have more thoughts about hijikata because.... i have more experience there LOL)

I’ve been a working nurse for more than half a year now so I kind of know what I’m talking about? (but not really because i’m definitely still a baby nurse that’s still learning OTL) but really im a baby don’t ask me specifics

I got into Gintama super late and I have so many regrets because it’s taken over my life.

hijikata working in either medsurg, ICU, or emergency because it’s not slow, needs great time management skills and working under pressure /but i have a bias for medsurg because that’s where i am right now... but i feel like he would definitely be the same kind of intense that some ICU nurses i know are...

he’s definitely the type to not take a proper break at work... would probably eat saltines from the nutrition room

reason 1: he’s too busy

reason 2: hates to go on break if he has to leave hella shit for the person covering him (so he give all his meds, clean his patients, give pain meds...make sure they NEVER call the person covering him on break) but that also means when things don’t calm down he feels like there’s never an opening for one

meanwhile he will give meds, clean patients, and do everything for whoever he covers for break

when this happens kondo sends yamazaki to cover him for breaks because you can’t tell patients to eat their food when you haven’t eaten toushi

is really good at putting in IVs, nobody on the unit even tries to put them in when he’s working they’ll just ask him to do it for them

a charting superuser lol

his brain... impeccable. a work of art. a pinnacle of organization. made his own because the hospital issued one doesn’t work for him

probably looks something like this

note: allows you do just quickly circle things during shift change instead of writing it all down...i would probably make past medical history section bigger though (do i use a sheet like this? no because i am... organized chaos and writing it down helps ME--but toushi probably wants to take as little time possible writing shit down)

reads his work e-mail, even the newsletters from the hospital

kondo is nurse manager and is a very supportive one (the potlucks!!! tries his best to make sure everyone feels supported at work ; w ;) hired hijikata..

when hijikata is charge, the work is distributed evenly thank god

also “it’s an hour until shift change and if this patient doesn’t come up in 10 minutes they’re not coming until after shift change”

everyone asks him for help because he knows all the hospital policies

what nurse isn’t frustrated with doctors lets be real

exhibit A: “my patient is in TEARS with 10/10 pain and the doctors have the audacity to ask if THEY TRIED TO DISTRACT THEMSELVES WITH ART?” (this is a literal conversation I’ve had with a resident before)

hates talking to interns because he ends up having to teach them how to do their job

hates talking to jaded attendings

only attending he likes is shouyo

used to have long hair in nursing school but cut it after his ponytail got into some shit during a bed bath

still smokes.. kondo hates it because we’ve all seen what it’s done to our patients and you still smoke?

has tried to quit but never works out

gintoki also gets on his case about it

just imagine hijikata in those black figs joggers scrubs UGH

in this universe they’re called digs because copyright and this is still gintama we’re talking about

these scrubs are unnecessarily expensive so he didn’t actually buy them himself ( “why the fuck would i buy expensive scrubs if i am going to get literal shit on it”).. if left to his own devices he will wear those ugly ass hospital issued scrubs

Kondo and his other friends split the price for the black joggers and a 3 pocket scrub top -- because we all know hijikata puts ALL his supplies in his pockets. he NEEDS pockets

Gintoki thinks his ass looks good in those joggers UGH

Hijikata won’t admit it but the digs are his favorite pair they are so comfortable. still won’t buy them with his own money though

student nurses are scared of him because he’s intense and asks hard questions, really strict... doesn’t bully but pushes students and orientees really hard

but also any one who can survive being trained by him becomes an excellent nurse

that nurse that’s on top of their shit and THINKS instead of just following orders

“saw his potassium is high. can we do something about that?”

“there wasn’t continuous oxygen monitoring ordered but i put them on because it doesn’t look good. can we get an order for that”

all the doctors trust him because he’s just so goOD

gets on gintoki’s case about looking like a bum at the hospital all the time

if he EVER catches wind of doctors talking down to his nurses or older nurses bullying the newer ones (which never really happens because kondo is a great manager who fosters a very nontoxic work culture) they will...FEEL. HIS. WRATH.

also will not tolerate patients treating him (or his coworkers) like shit. will be more professional dealing with patients tho than with the MDs. but if it’s an MD berating a nurse, they better be ready to get their ass KICKED

Gintoki is the new resident along with katsura and takasugi in.... internal medicine? surgery? idk?

i mostly just wanted write this one: hijikata has a patient in a pain crisis 10/10 pain, given all available pain meds, tried everything possible but still no relief. paged the new resident working with this patient

hijikata fully expects either a call saying “sorry i can’t order any more pain medicine for this patient” or just another IV medicine ordered with no communication at all

but gintoki comes into the patient’s room (first thing hijikata notices is unprofessional hair, wrinkled jacket, mismatching socks and thinks this doctor is going to be lazy AF), speaks to the patient with great bedside manner, talks to the patient about pain management strategies and WORKS WITH THEM for a better plan for medication. walks with the patient in the hall and even takes them to the bathroom

hijikata is FLOORED. because this never happens with MDs.

(this has actually happened and me and all my coworkers were SO PLEASANTLY SURPRISED)

hijikata once sent gintoki a message asking if he wanted to lower the dose for a medication because the lab for it was high

gintoki thought he was the pharmacist because hijikata is just that good

likes the sound of hijikata’s voice on the phone so he always returns his pages even if it’s just to say “ok i’ll put the order in”

secretly gets excited when he sees hijikata’s name on the chart under the care team

one because he’s hot

two because he’s a good nurse

actually learns a lot from hijikata

gets to know hijikata’s bad break habits and gives him a coffee whenever he notices he’s working (but is absolutely disgusted when he brings out the mayonnaise)

“how can you tell your patients to be healthy when you put that shit in everything you eat?”

hijikata counters with “you can’t tell me what to eat when you’re on your way to diabetes asshole”

tries to be the kind of MD shouyo is

being in healthcare is hard so the two of them do drink together if their days off line up to vent....

hijikata complains about dumb MDs (gintoki makes mental notes on how to not be an annoying MD), how busy his days are, and why are we always understaffed... how can we run out of IVs?

gintoki complains about all the calls he gets, how stressful residency is, why are rounds so early, that midget takasugi, the long ass working hours, being on call fuckin sucks

both bond over sharing crazy stories about patients or how their day went....also hospital complaints because what healthcare worker doesn’t complain about their hospital

get into “who’s job is more stressful” arguments a lot

on particularly hard (emotionally, physically, mentally) days the other would show up with a bag of food and drinks?

when the two start dating, it’s usually just... hanging out at work?

if somehow by some miracle, they get their breaks together (if at all) they eat together

if they do have days off together they usually spend it sleeping (literally you guys) or relaxing at one of their apartments

sleep deprived healthcare workers lead to many....petty...arguments but they make up by the end

it’s late and i have more thoughts? but i have work tomorrow. but i needed to get this OUT OF MY BRAIN.

also feel free to message me about any of this!! :) asks are always open hehe

#smh anjo #i never see anything about nurses in fandom and i get sad #gintama #ginhiji #headcanons #hospital au #i wish i had talent AHAAHAHA #mostly because i want to see hiji in THOSE BLACK FIGS JOGGERS #anime #Hijikata Toushirou #sakata gintoki #hijigin #ginhijigin

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souryogurt64 · 3 years

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do you have acne scarring?? i only ask because mine is so bad and i think ur so cool and pretty and i know u understand about acne/u mention being on spirolactone. ive had it severely my entire life and its gotten better as ive gotten older but its still constant and my scarring is so bad. im just scared theres no hope for me and i need to go to a derm and get on accutane but whats the point with all the scarring!!! if u have scarring, has your derm or whomever said theres things that can help??? im just so nervous about going and them telling me im stuck like this

sure!

first off, thank you so much you’re so sweet!!!! <3333

i know this is probably infuriating to hear but i have really scar resistant skin, like not just relating to acne. i know i am super super lucky in that respect, but this is my skincare routine

i would go to a dermatologist and get on a retinoid immediately if you aren’t already. those are scientifically sound for stuff like scarring because they increase cell turnover. i’m on tretinoin .01%. it can make you break out for 6ish weeks during a “purge” phase, but it should NOT cause large cysts, just small whiteheads/blackheads. it can also cause peeling and redness while your skin adjusts and you might need a stronger moisturizer but it helps a lot.

the products i use are cetaphil face wash, salicylic acid (stridex pads), clindamycin phosphate (rx), tretinoin .01% (rx), benzoyl peroxide on active spots only (clearasil), cetaphil moisturizer, and neosporin if i popped/picked a zit. hydrocortisone cream is controversial but i occasionally use it because my acne gets really itchy.

i was on various doses of antibiotics like minocycline and was using variations of my current topicals routine from ages 14-21 and it seemed to do jack shit. the dermatologist i was seeing was LITERALLY just telling me there was nothing else they could do and i was just stuck like that. so i got a second opinion and they put me on spironolactone immediately and told me the topicals were helping the current spots but it was an internal hormonal thing continually causing new ones rather than oily skin. you have to work up to a full dose but i’m on 100mg a day.

if you havent tried spironolactone and you’re AFAB i would try it, especially if you suspect you have PCOS. i have been on it for just under a month and they say most people don’t experience effects until 3 months in but pretty much as soon i started taking it i stopped getting cysts. i still get new spots but much less frequently and they’re progressively smaller. i also feel like the topicals are working for once now that the root cause is addressed lol and it’s easier to stick with them when you don’t feel like you’re wasting money on woo-woo nonsense that doesnt work.

if you have tried a high dose of spiro (usually they’ll go up to around 150mg) for awhile with no results i would at least spring for two rounds of accutane before giving up and keep up with a retinoid the whole time to reduce the scarring.

having acne is literally the most miserable experience in the world, i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i know its really tough and it’s not just a visual thing, it’s also very painful

#Anonymous

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parkaiur · 5 years

Text

Perfection - Jihoon

❀ Comedy + fluff + a dash of angst

❀ Word count: 6.2 K

❀Being in love with your best friend sucks when they don’t feel the same about you. Once you think you will be pining over him forever, a new boy moves to your school and happens to share all the same classes as you. You start to become entranced with his cute face and fun personality, soon making you forget about the previous boy, or have you?

❀A/N: switching to first pov to see which i like more lol so dont attack me,,, also im sorry for making these fics so long lsakdjfas idk if ppl like long fics or short fics so some feedback would be nice >.< thank u all for supporting me on my last fic as well ! :D hope u enjoy this one <3

-----

I rode into the school parking lot, rolling my eyes at the loud music playing throughout school. Every Friday morning, the school blared loud music inside and outside the school which I despised. I groaned and parked my car crookedly-- I was a terrible driver.

“Wow, just another Friday morning.” My next door neighbor, Seunghun grumbled while getting out of the car. We had been neighbors ever since we were kids, and once we hit high school, Seunghun had to start driving me places since he was one year older than me. Of course, now that I was older, we took turns.

“I can’t wait to get out of this place.” I groaned while downing my coffee. I could never function without it. Seunghun patted me on the back. “You still have two years kid. Junior year is the suckiest too but at least it’s almost winter break.”

I sighed and tried to ignore the rambunctious teenagers that were screaming and dancing to the music. That was just embarrassing.

“Well, well, well, good morning to you two.” I jumped at the sudden deep voice behind me but my heart jumped when I saw who it was. “Oh, it’s just you.” I joked. Seunghun laughed loudly and poked Hyunsuk teasingly.

“Why do I even bother anymore?” Hyunsuk rolled his eyes playfully while walking next to my side. I felt warm at his close proximity, my face probably turning red as time ticked by. But of course, they were dudes, they didn’t notice.

Seunghun and I had been friends since we were in diapers, but I’d only thought of him as an older brother figure in my life, and he thought of me as a little sister. Hyunsuk had transferred to our high school during my freshman year of high school. Hyunsuk and Seunghun were both in dance club and in the same math class-- they immediately clicked. And somehow we all became best friends that told each other everything.

Except that I had a big fat crush on Hyunsuk.

“School dance tickets are now available at the register! Go get your tickets now!” I saw the president of leadership shout these words through the commons. I tried not to flinch at the volume. Seunghun giggled childishly at my reaction while I pinched his side. “Hey! Don’t hurt me.” He gave me a cute frown which made me resist pinching him again. I knew he could tickle me to death if he wanted to.

Hyunsuk then smirked and hit Seunghun’s shoulder playfully. “Hey, aren’t you taking Hyemi to the dance?” Seunghun’s demeanor immediately changed from confident to shy. Hyunsuk gripped my shoulder to keep him from laughing out loud. I felt empty when he set his hand down to his side once again.

“Shut up, I haven’t even asked her yet.” Hyunsuk and I gasped dramatically at Seunghun’s revelation. “Kim Seunghun, the dance is a few Saturdays from today, how dare you!” I faked being shocked while Hyunsuk played along with me. Seunghun rolled his eyes and kept on walking. He was so done my and Hyunsuk’s antics.

Seunghun then wiggled his eyebrows and punched the other boy on the shoulder. “Enough about me, I heard a little something through the grapevine that Hyunsuk is asking Kyungmi to the winter formal.”

My heart dropped at the news, but I kept a playful smile on my face. I hoped it wasn’t faltering. “Wait, what? Why haven’t I heard about this?” I punched his shoulder while he cringed at the pain.

I took a peak at Hyunsuk’s expression which was cheeky and mysterious. He was never the type to get flustered when it came to girls. The older boy adjusted his jacket and wiggled his eyebrows at the both of us.

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” He said suspiciously while fixing his hair. I felt my hopes getting lower and lower at his statement. Hyunsuk shook his head and slung an arm around my shoulder. I held in my yelp of surprise.

This is normal, friends do this. Don’t make it weird.

“How about you, y/n? Who are you taking to the winter formal? Any boys been lining up at your door?” I snorted and took his arm off of me so that my heart would stop doing little flip flops.

I took a sip of my coffee and shook my head. “Nope, sorry, I’m the one with the boring love life in this circle.” I tried to not let my voice sound disappointed. I felt Seunghun pinch my cheeks. “Aw, y/n, it’s fine, I’m sure someone will ask you soon.”

Most juniors and seniors had dates to the winter formal and if you didn’t, you were basically seen as a loser. I was going to be a loser, but honestly I didn’t care about being one. If I wasn’t going with Hyunsuk, I didn’t want a date at all.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind going alone.” Lie. I didn’t want to go at all. I knew Hyunsuk was going to pluck up the courage to ask Kyungmi and I didn’t want to see that happen. Nor did I want to fifth wheel the two of them.

Hyunsuk pouted and looked over at Seunghun. I was scared the two of them were planning something. “Are you sure? We probably have a few guy friends we could set you up with.” I saw his hopeful expression which broke my heart into tiny pieces and I shook my head. “Seriously, it’s fine, I don’t need one and I don’t want one.” My voice came out harsher than expected which made the two boys freeze. I heard the bell ring, meaning we had to now separate and go to class.

“Truly, I’m not upset about it, just leave it be. I can have fun by myself anyways.” I patted the two of them on the back and scurried to class.

As I plunked down in my seat for history, I released a sigh of relief. Most days I felt normal around the two of them, but whenever they brought up relationships or dating, I tried to avoid it at all costs.

I plugged in my earbuds, getting ready to drone out whatever the teacher was saying. I had already read the chapter for this week so my first period was about to become snooze town.

Before I could turn on my music, I heard a group of girls enter the classroom giggling and laughing about something. I was about to tune them out til I caught a sliver of their conversation.

“No way, he’s going to ask you? Shut up!”

“Yeah, he just texted me and asked me to meet him after school!” I felt my heart drop as I turned and saw Kyungmi gossiping to her friends. Of course, Hyunsuk already decided to act fast since Kyungmi was one of the prettiest girls in the junior class.

“Hyunsuk is asking you? I seriously thought he was dating y/n.” A wave of silence washed over the group until I heard a few chuckles.

I felt anxiety creep into my system and I quickly wanted to turn my attention away from the situation.

“Oh no! They’re just friends. I mean, y/n is a nice girl but...” I heard her whisper the last part. “But I mean, she just isn’t Hyunsuk’s type, you know what I mean?”

I clicked the play button on my playlist, refusing to let tears fall in this dingy high school classroom.

I dosed off in class, feeling the soft voice of Dean drift me to sleep. Suddenly, I felt someone kick my desk, jolting my eyes open. The teacher pulled out my earbuds which irked me to no ends. I hated when anyone touched my earbuds and I felt the urge to smack my teacher’s hands right then and there.

“Ah, glad you could join us miss y/n.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when I saw an unfamiliar boy staring at me. He had round eyes that had sort of an edge to them, making him seem mischievous yet innocent. He was wearing a white hoodie and blue jeans which made him look good. I couldn’t help he was eye candy. “This, is our new student Park Jihoon.” He smiled at me and I gave my best smile back, which was my most awkward one.

“Um... cool.” I noted lamely, unaware of the situation. I heard a few giggles throughout the classroom. Mr. Kim kept his anger in.

He cleared his throat and directed my eyes to Jihoon. “I told Jihoon to sit next to the empty desk next to yours, but unfortunately, you were not awake to hear that. Also, mister Jihoon also happens to have the same schedule as yours, so you’ll automatically be his guide for school. Now, onto the second world war.” My jaw dropped as the teacher nonchalantly told me I had to be the guide for Jihoon.

It’s not like I hated the guy or anything, but being a guide for someone at my school means that I had to basically baby sit him. I had to include him in my friend group, talk with him during class, and make him feel welcome essentially. Usually people had to sign up for it, but I never did. I never liked the hassle. But apparently my luck keeps getting worse and worse as the day went on.

“Hey,” I heard the boy next to me whisper. I turned to my right and saw Jihoon looking at me with bright eyes. I felt my heart waver at his cute stare.

“Do you have a pencil I could borrow? I stupidly left mine at home.” He whispered. I nodded and tossed him an extra that he skillfully caught. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” I whispered back. This time, I didn’t plus my earbuds back in.

-----

Class seemed like it ended sooner than usual.

“So have you always gone to this high school?” Jihoon nonchalantly started conversation with me, which made me envious of him. I had never been the type to make friends so easily.

I lowered my head so that he could see my entire face. “Um, yup. Been going to school with basically the same people since elementary school.” His face scrunched up in disgust and I let out a bark of laughter. “Yeah, it’s as horrible as it sounds.”

I noticed lots girls were staring at the new boy who was standing next to me, a nobody with two hot best friends. I tried to not look at the crowd but it was hard.

“So, math next. Love that subject.” He grit his teeth and pretended to look angry. I let out a small chuckle at his childish antics. I couldn’t help my laughter, he was a funny dude. He gave me a small smile in return. “I hate math too, it’s my worst subject.” He nodded but narrowed his eyes at me.

“That’s surprising considering you seemed like you were falling asleep throughout our entire history period.” I gasped at his accusation while he rolled his eyes. “Ok, in my defense, I already read the chapter, I don’t need to pay attention. I’m only there ‘cause our ass of a teacher has attendance as 20% of our total grade.”

Jihoon’s eyes widened while I patted him on the back, a habit I picked up from being around Hyunsuk and Seunghun too often. Jihoon didn’t seem to mine it though. “Yeah, I know, that’s I just sleep in it. He usually doesn’t even care besides today since you showed up.”

Jihoon shrugged and said nothing else as we walked to our next class.

---

The day went by quickly and soon it was nearing the last period of the day.

“Hey, y/n!” I heard Hyunsuk yell my name faintly across the busy hallway. I felt my heart jolt a bit in surprise as I stopped in the hallway. Before I could explain to Jihoon who was yelling my name, he was running at me at full speed.

Hyunsuk quickly embraced me in a hug, twirling me around. “AAAH HYUNSUK, LEMME DOWN!” I shouted into his ear, yet I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. As Hyunsuk set me down, he locked eyes with Jihoon. “Oh, uh, hey, I’m Hyunsuk, you one of y/n’s friends?” Hyunsuk obnoxiously wiggled his eyebrows which made my mood deflate. I hated when he teased me about other boys, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know my feelings.

Jihoon didn’t tease me but instead laughed and shook Hyunsuk’s hands. “Actually she’s my guide, but I’m sure we’ll be close friends by the end of the day.” Jihoon winked in my direction which made my cheeks turn a bright red.

Hyunsuk gasped and slapped me on the shoulder. Suddenly, I felt Hyunsuk pull me closer to him protectively. My blush, that was already bright pink, deepened at the contact. “Gasp, the only people y/n is close with is with me and Seunghun, the tall blonde tree over there.” Jihoon peaked over my shoulder to take a look at Seunghun. “Huh, interesting.” Jihoon mumbled.

I felt Hyunsuk’s arms grow looser around my body which made me sigh in relief. Jihoon raised a brow at me but said nothing to my odd behavior.

“Hyunsuk, over here!” I saw another group of boys calling Hyunsuk over which meant he was leaving me. He gave me a pat on the back and glared at Jihoon before walking away. “I’m watching you boy, no funny business with y/n or else you’ll...” Hyunsuk did the cutting neck motion to which Jihoon responded with raised brows. Hyunsuk ran over to the other guy and molded quickly into the group. He was always really good at fitting in.

I noticed Jihoon was already looking at me when I turned to meet his gaze. “Um, sorry about that, Hyunsuk and Seunghun, the tree, are sort of protective of me. We’ve been friends for a long time now.” I explained to him. Jihoon gave me a soft grin.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and glanced over to Hyunsuk. “So, does he know that you like him?” I choked on my own spit at his accusation. Wait, what? How did he guess that?

Lie. You have to lie. “Um, what? I do not like Hyunsuk.” I spat out fake laughter and shook my head nervously. Ok I was a terrible liar.

Jihoon gave me the look. That look someone gives you when they’re calling you on your bullshit. I sighed and gave in. “Ok, yes, maybe I do have a tiny crush on him but he doesn’t know, and he shall never know, got it?” I glared at the taller boy as he raised his hands in surrender.

“I’ll never tell another living soul, you’re secret is safe with me.” He pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key, making me chuckle in response.

We walked into our English class together, sitting near the back of the class, where I usually sat.

Jihoon abruptly turned to me. “Ok.. are you always this angsty? You sit at the back of classroom with your hood up and earbuds in in every single class. You act like you don’t know anything but somehow you answer every question a teacher asks you right.” He moved closer to you. He gently whispered in my ear, “and you fall for your best friend and never risk telling him because hmmm you’re probably too scared to get too close to somebody. What’s your story?”

I should be getting upset at his mention of my crush, but all I could focus on was how close he was to me. Snap out of it, y/n, your hormones are just whack because all the guys you see are Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Chill.

I leaned back in my chair, trying to calm my racing heart. His face wasn’t judgmental, but rather curious. “Hm, that’s a loaded question, or questions I guess. I don’t know how to describe my angstyness or where it came from. Also I can’t give you a reason as to why I like who I like and why I choose to hide it besides that it’s embarrassing.” I said the last two words louder and smacked his arm playfully. He laughed and clutched it like he was in pain.

“Ouchhhh,” He whined and held it out to me. “Kiss it and make it feel better.” He jutted out his plump bottom lip to act cute. I gasped and hit his arm again.

He, in return, laughed and pulled his arm away. “See, we’re practically best friends now.” He said softly. I had nothing to say because the teacher started class already but I had to admit, he had a way at making my cold facade warm.

------

It was the end of the day, finally, and Jihoon and I parted our separate ways. We exchanged numbers and he made me promise I wouldn’t drop him after the first day. To be honest, I don’t think I could if I tried.

I walked to the parking lot, my familiar hood up and earbuds in. Even though I expected it, I felt two hands on my shoulder that pushed off of me, making me stop in surprise. I paused my music and took out my earbuds to face an excited Hyunsuk and Seunghun.

“What-”

They both slung an arm around me, which made me greatly suspicious. “So, boy.”

“Dude.”

“Guy.”

“Male.”

“Cute boy.”

“Nice boy.”

“Funny-”

“Oh would you two shut up?” I shoved them away and walked faster to the car. I heard them both laughing, even though their teasing wasn’t that funny. Especially when I still had feelings for Hyunsuk.

“Aw c’mon, it’s just I’ve never seen you with other guys... or other people besides us... willingly... like ever.” Hyunsuk babbled. Seunghun nodded in agreement. “He’s right. You always keep to yourself, I swear you were never going to make friends with anyone besides us your entire high school career.” Seunghun admit. I rolled my eyes and tried to get in my car. But the two stopped me to question me some more.

Suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I saw Jihoon walking out, probably walking to his car as well. Somehow, the boy caught my eye and immediately waved and smiled. I didn’t want to be rude so I obviously reciprocated his actions. As he turned away, Seunghun and Hyunsuk looked at me with wide eyes.

“Woaaahhhh that was the nicest I’ve ever seen you act to someone. Are you sure you’re y/n??” Hyunsuk pressed his hand to my forehead which now burned because of his gentle touch. “Hey, you’re actually warm. Are you getting sick?” He stood closer to me and examined my face. I could tell he was worried because of his furrowed brows.

Before he could think too much into it, I pulled his hand off. “Maybe I’m warm because I’m so angry at you two for being annoying assholes.” I spat and then proceeded to jump into the drivers seat. “Bye, Hyunsuk.” I pulled out of the driveway quickly and ignored Seunghun’s stare.

“Y/n, are you really getting sick? It’s almost Christmas, I don’t want you to miss out on our annual movie marathon.” Seunghun said, concern laced in his voice. Out of the two boys, I was closer to Seunghun. Yes, I loved Hyunsuk as much as I loved Seunghun, but Seunghun and I had a history together. He got me and I got him. It was painful to keep this secret from him, but knowing Seunghun, he would tell Hyunsuk immediately, not to be a prick, but because he would think it was the right thing to do. And I could never let Hyunsuk know how I feel about him. Ever.

I slapped his hand away playfully. “Shut up, it’s like a month to Christmas, I’ll be fine by then even if I am getting sick. And if I am getting sick, it’s because you two had the smart idea to have a water balloon fight in the middle of December.” Seunghun burst into laughter at the memory. I couldn’t help myself chuckle as well.

“You’re right, I take full responsibility along with Hyunsuk. We will cater to your needs if you do get sick.” He pretended to bow and I just shoved him away. Bantering with him like this felt normal, and I liked normal.

-----

Normal did not last long.

I curled up in my bed, reading to read a trilogy I had been looking forward to getting into during the week. I felt my bed vibrate which signaled that I got a text.

As I saw who the text was from, my eyes widened. “What the heck.” I whispered to myself, praying my parents didn’t hear me having a mental breakdown at 11pm. I took a deep breath and opened the text.

‘what’s fun to do around here? i’m dying of boredom x_x’ I chuckled at the use of his self-made emoji. He even texted cute.

I waited a few seconds to not make me seem eager and replied ‘um... read a book?’

He read it. My heart was pounding. ‘... r u joking?’

I tried to conceal my laughter. ‘no... that’s what im doing right now’

‘wow... how sexy’ This time, I couldn’t help the giggles that flew from my mouth. Hopefully my parents were in deep slumber. ‘too strong?’ He texted back quickly.

‘no, you have the same humor as seunghun and hyunsuk tho lol’

‘wow the same humor as your two besties ,, im flattered’

‘is that sarcasm i detect?’

‘no sarcasm here captain’

I chuckled at his cute humor. I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve known this guy for years, yet I just met him yesterday.

Suddenly, I saw those three dots appear. I gulped in anticipation. ‘are you ok?’ he texted randomly. I furrowed my brows in confusion.

‘why wouldnt i be?’

‘... you know...’

‘???’

‘... hyunsuk asked kyungmi to the dance.’ he deadpanned. Somehow, that thought had completely left my mind. And for some odd reason, I didn’t feel all too upset about it anymore.

Fuck, that’s going on? You like Hyunsuk. You should be feeling upset.

‘oh yeah, im fine, ill get over it tbh’

He read my message, but took a little longer to respond. I grew nervous at his next words.

‘can i call you?’

Suddenly, my conscious just flew out the window. “What the... shoot what do I do?” I whispered to myself. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to call him, or that I was weirded out by it, but because I was nervous.

“Fuck it.”

‘sure’ I waited for him to read the text. I heard my phone ring and I immediately picked it up so my parents wouldn’t hear.

“Hi.” He said. His voice was deeper than usual and I heard lots rustling, meaning he was probably in bed.

“Hey.” I replied back lamely. I had never really done the phone call thing. Seunghun lived right next door to me, so if he wanted to talk, then he would just pop over. Hyunsuk would just drive to one of our houses and force us to hang out with him. I guess I’d never experienced a normal high school friendship.

“So...” He trailed off. I held in my laugh. It seemed like everything he said was funny to me. “So...” I trailed off as well.

“What are you wearing right now?” His voice dropped a few octaves, but his tone made me burst out into laughter. I covered my mouth quickly.

“What the fuck, Jihoon??” I whispered hurriedly. I heard him holding in his laughter as well. “Sorry, it was an innocent question.” He joked.

There was a moment of silence for a second. “Polar bear pajamas.” I finally answered.

“I’m wearing my boxers.” I spat out laughter at his truthful response. “What? Guys don’t really sleep in lots of clothes.” I covered my face, trying to not imagine what he looked like.

“You’re an idiot, Jihoon. But, I need to hang up because you’re making me laugh too hard and my parents are in the room next to me.” I said truthfully. I heard him whine over the phone and I couldn’t almost visualize a pout.

“Then why did you agree to call in the first place?” He whined. “Because, I was curious on what you had to say.” I said truthfully.

He paused for a moment, probably trying to soak in my words. “Good point. But, ok, I’ll let you go then so your parents don’t hunt me down for making their daughter laugh.” I bit my lip, hiding a smile at the declaration.

“Goodnight.” He whispered softly.

“Goodnight, Jihoon.” I waited a few moments til I hung up the phone, setting it on my counter.

What am I doing? I like Hyunsuk.

-----

I admit, I was a bit nervous to see Jihoon on Monday again. After our talk on Saturday, I felt like we got closer. I’d never bonded with anyone so fast before, well besides Seunghun and Hyunsuk.

I sat down in our history class and listened to music. I felt a tug on my shoulder, which made my eyes shoot open. I was glad he didn’t tug out my earbuds as most people did. I paused my music and set down my phone.

He was wearing an oversized sweater with dark jeans. His hair was styled today and framed his face nicely. “Hey.” He smiled at me. I noticed how his teeth were perfectly straight, meaning he probably just got his braces off. How cute.

“Hey, you do the history reading?” I started the conversation to show I was friendly. He leaned his backpack against his desk and organized all his things on his desk. He narrowed his eyes at me while I chuckled. “What do you think? I was too busy chatting up pretty girls on the weekend.” For some odd reason, I felt my heart sink at that statement.

He was texting other girls besides me? I crinkled my nose awkwardly, a habit I had when I was uncomfortable.

“For the record, the only girl I texted over the weekend as you." I looked into his eyes and saw his eyes softly gaze into mine. His brown eyes looked so doe-like that I wanted to reach over and kiss his cheeks.

Jihoon then switched gears and gave me a goofy smirk to show he was kidding. My nerves died down at his teasing. “Shut up. I’m sure you tell that to all the girls you text.” I fibbed nervously. Jihoon didn’t take his gaze off me when he shook his head. “Think what you want, y/n, but one day you’ll fall for my charms.” He gave me a shy smile that contradicted his confident words.

"Hyunsuk! Stop, just go to class!” The high pitched voice caught my attention with the name of my best friend. I took a look to the door and saw Kyungmi coming in, with Hyunsuk backhugging her. I felt my heart clench as I saw the two together. I knew they had been somewhat “official” after Hyunsuk asked her to the dance and she accepted, but it still felt weird and upsetting.

I felt my mood deflate when looking at them and it was obvious. “Hey.” I heard a faint whisper to my right. I pulled my strong gaze away from the two lovebirds who were laughing loudly and sharing intimate eye contact. Jihoon had his brows furrowed and concerned looking.

“Yeah?” I whispered. I hated people pitying me and tried to play off my sadness as fatigue. Jihoon didn’t fall for it. Instead of speaking, he took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. Usually I hated when people touched me without my permissions... or at all. But with him, it felt normal.

Hyunsuk barely spared me a glance when he was with Kyungmi although he knew my schedule to a T. Or at least I thought he did. I tried to catch his eye, but it was no use.

“Why do you even like him?” Jihoon mumbled close to my ear, so that no one could hear it. I scoffed at the question. What was there not to like? Hyunsuk is attractive, athletic, a good rapper and dancer, funny, kind...he was basically perfect.

I didn’t realize I said those attributes outloud until Jihoon leaned back in his chair in annoyance. “Well, that’s not what I asked. Why do YOU like him?”

“I just told you.” I spat. Jihoon shook his head slightly and pulled his hood up, copying my style.

“Sure you did.”

I opened my mouth to he meant by that, but before I could say anything, the teacher started spewing fact about the Korean War, making me lose my chance.

-----

A couple weeks had passed and soon the winter formal was right around the corner.

Jihoon and I were chilling in my living room, watching Infinity War as we ate pizza. I had grown close to the boy and found myself hanging out with him more than I hung out with Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Which they complained about constantly, but I couldn’t help if I hated seeing Hyunsuk and Kyungmi or hearing talk about her. It was a constant reminder that I wasn’t his to talk about.

“I feel like Dr. Strange is the most underrated of them all. Like deadass the man saw a gajillion outcomes of the future where they all died... what a traumatic experience.” Jihoon mumbled while stuffing a pizza into his mouth. I nodded in agreement.

“You right, bro. I would legit die if I saw myself die.” Jihoon paused at my dumb statement but just threw a piece of popcorn at me.

By the end of the movie, we were sobbing into our blankets while the boxes of pizza were strewn everywhere. Jihoon grabbed the tissue box and wiped his tears. I felt him dab my tears politely which made me laugh.

“Hey, at least you’re a pretty crier, some of us are less fortunate.” He joked while wiping his tears. He paused the movie so we could compose ourselves and mourn over the multiple losses. I threw my tissue at him. “Shut up, everyone is an ugly crier.”

“Nah, I mean, you’re pretty so that’s why you’re a pretty crier.” I felt him lean closer to me which made me feel nervous. “I’m not even pretty.” I mumbled. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I was stunning but I wasn’t ugly. I could be looked at for more than 5 seconds without pure disgust but it’s not like I was drop dead gorgeous.

“Hm, that’s debatable.” I heard his voice drop into a low whisper and suddenly he was leaning in. My heart beat picked up and goosebumps formed on my arms. Out of instinct, I backed away.

Immediately, I regretted it after seeing the dejected look on his face. “Jihoon, I’m sorry I just.” I sighed in panic. “I just still like Hyunsuk.” I whispered. I saw him turn away in sadness which broke my heart.

I thought we were going to sit in silence the entire time until he turned to me with slight anger in his eyes. “Or so you think.” He mumbled. He turned to stand and walk out. I furrowed my brows in confusion. I shot up from my seat and followed him to the door, thankfully, he didn’t make it too far.

“Woah woah woah, what do you mean by that?” I demanded. “Of course I like Hyunsuk, he’s like...”

Jihoon turned to face me and scoffed. “Let me guess perfect?”

Suddenly, with great timing, my door flew open.

“HO HO HO ! DID SOMEONE NOT INVITE US TO THE PARTY?” Before I could comprehend what was happening, Seunghun ran at me and scooped me into his arms.

Hyunsuk plopped on the other side of Jihoon and slung an arm around him. “Hey, is this your first date or something, sorry to intrude.” Hyunsuk wiggled his eyebrows and nudged Jihoon slightly.

Jihoon forced a smile and shrugged. “Nah man, we’re just friends.” For some reason, I felt my heart deflate at that statement even though I just turned him down a few seconds ago.

Seriously, what’s wrong with me?

Hyunsuk ‘awwed’ at Jihoon and pinched his cheeks to where Jihoon ignored him. Jihoon still stared intensely at me like there wasn’t even anyone around us.

His arms were crossed across his chest and his breathing was heavy.

I assume Seunghun and Hyunsuk realized the situation and took a few steps back. Jihoon finally released some stress in his body and took a few steps to the door.

“Just.. Just call me when you’re ready to be real with your feelings.” Jihoon smoothly slipped on his shoes and opened the door. He gave me one last final look before shutting it softly which matched the shattering of me heart as well.

Seunghun, Hyunsuk, and I stood in silence at the awkwardness that rose from Jihoon’s farewell. I reached up to touch my face, realizing that it was wet with my tears. At the sight of them, I only broke down harder.

“Hey, it’s gonna be-” I stepped away from Hyunsuk’s hug and held out my hands to distance myself.

“Can you guys just go? I don’t wanna see anyone right now.” I felt my voice break on the last note and tried to hold in my tears. At first, I didn’t think they were going to leave, but I felt Seunghun pat my back before hearing the door shut, leaving me alone to deal with my thoughts and insecurities.

------

It was finally the winter formal.

Yay.

It was five pm and the dance started at nine. I wasn’t going though.

I pulled the covers over my head and drowned out my sorrows with silence.

I had thought long and hard about Jihoon’s words, wondering what he meant. I liked Hyunsuk still...

but did I really ?

And what do I feel about Jihoon?

Do I even care about who Hyunsuk dates anymore?

I mean, I was staying inside crying over Jihoon and not even thinking to remember Hyunsuk and Kyungmi. I groaned and hit myself in the face with a pillow.

As I was laying still in my bed, I heard a knock on my door. I raised a brow as my parents knew not to bother me when I was in my room. “Are you decent?”

I held in my eye roll as I recognized the voice. “Define decent.” I snapped back. The door opened, revealing a very dapper looking Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Suddenly I felt like a loser next to them. I buried my face in my pillows again. I heard Hyunsuk chuckle and suddenly the both of them were sitting on my bed, patting my back. “What are you guys doing here?” I mumbled.

“Where else would we be when our best friend is here, dying in her room?” Seunghun knocked my head gently with his fist, something he always did to me when I was a kid. My eyes swelled with tears at their kindness. I really didn’t deserve friends like them.

“Now, since we are here...” Seunghun started.

“Would you tell us what you’ve been hiding for so long? You’ve been acting so distance and out of it... it’s obvious y/n. Just talk to us normally, we’re your best friends. We will understand no matter what.” Hyunsuk finally said. I could tell when he was frustrated as Hyunsuk could never hide his emotions.

“Yeah, what happened to the truth and nothing but the truth y/n?” There was a teasing tone in Seunghun’s words, but I could tell he was upset at me too, which made me feel like a bigger jerk.

Which is why I had to man up and tell them the truth.

“Fine.” I sat up from my bed and closed my eyes. Here goes nothing.

“So, basically, I had a crush on this dude. Who is not important. Anyways, Jihoon found out and I told him to hide it and he said he wouldn’t tell anybody. Long story short, I’m pretty sure Jihoon likes me and I am very, very confused on what I feel about him as I don’t know if I still like this dude. And also, I don’t really know what I like about the dude without what’s on the surface. And I guess I am losing romantic feelings for the dude as well. And with Jihoon, I feel so comfortable around him. Like everything is so natural and yeah I don’t know I hate myself.” I ranted before throwing my face down back on a pillow.

The two boys were silent for a moment until bursting into laughter. I lifted my head in confusion.

They both patted my backs and headed for the door.

“W-what? Where are you guys going?”

Seunghun walked out first and gave me a shrug. As Hyunsuk turned to shut the door, he gave me a knowing smile.

“Y/n, it’s obvious. I think you know what to do.”

Before I got a chance to say anything, Hyunsuk slammed the door in my face.

I sat there in a daze for a few short moments until I came to the realization.

“Fuck I have to go talk to Jihoon.”

-----

I reached for my phone in a rush and texted him.

‘hey um, what r u doing right now?’ I texted off quickly before I lost my confidence.

My hands were shaking in anticipation as I saw him typing.

‘im getting ready to go to dinner before the formal’

I felt my heart drop at his response. I lost my chance... great.

‘why?’ he texted back.

‘just wondering,, have fun at the winter formal’

‘thanks’

A one word response, that meant he wanted the conversation to end. I set down my phone with a deflated ego.

He already had a date. I guess he didn’t like me as much as I thought.

I sunk down in my bed and flopped over in my bed. I wasn’t the girl boys fought for, I was the girl you looked over, the girl you didn’t want.

I laid in silence to wallow in my self pity until I heard my doorbell ring. I groaned, thinking it was Hyunsuk and Seunghun coming to tease me again. I waddled down the stairs with a huge blanket wrapped around my arms. I flung open the door, ready to tell the boys to go away.

I was in great surprise when I saw Jihoon staring back at me instead of the two older boys.

My eyes widened in surprise as he was dressed in normal clothes but I could tell his hair was styled and he put on cologne.

“Hey.” His hands were in his pockets and his stance was really casual.

“Um, h-hi.” I stuttered out. Obviously I was more nervous than him. He gave me one of his familiar smiles. “Can I come in?” I nodded and shuffled out of the way for him to enter my house.

“I thought you were going to the dance.” I whispered, as if he wasn’t real. Humor danced through his eyes as he shrugged.

“Nah, I sort of lied.” I raised my eyes in surprise.

“Um, why would you do that?”

“So I could do this.”

Suddenly, he leaned down and captured my lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet, yet passionate; it was everything I had imagined Jihoon would kiss like and more. His hands were gentle on the back of my neck and my hands moved to hold the belt loops on his pants.

I heard him sigh as he pulled me closer. I could feel my heart racing faster at the close proximity. When Jihoon pulled away, I felt like I was missing something.

“Hm, just like I imagined. You’re so perfect.” He whispered closely to my ear.

I shook my head shyly before pulling him down for another kiss. He was surprised at my action but melted into it.

“No, you’re the one who’s perfect for me. Not Hyunsuk or anyone else.

Just you.”

#yg treasure box #ygtblbr #yg treasure box scenarios #ygtb #park jihoon #ygtb jihoon #jihoon scenarios #ygtb scenarios #yg treasure box imagines

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squarelight · 5 years

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Tonsillectomy: Surgery and Day 1

Im 22, so tonsilectomy is a lot different from when one is a child. Children bouce back in less than a week. Ive been cleared off work for 2 weeks.

Pre-Op and check in was 6:30 this morning. The operation was at 8. Surgery is my biggest fears but for the checkin and start only one person was allowed back with me. I was scared they were gonna say no one cuz I was close to crying all night the night before so I would've lost it.

But one was allowed so my father let my fiancé go back. Once I did all the check ins I got to get my sweet outfit on. Fiancé's face was covered with a jacket and his eyes closed while I changed into nothing but a really comfy gown and grippy socks.

The nurse for the preOp came by and said she was gonna put my IV in. I prepped my arm, then she said it was going in my hand. I thiught she meant finger so naturally I was a bit panicked since Ive had to have a stint in my finger before and almost passed out. Ive also had tests down drawung blood from my finger and almost passed out. Ive never had issues with the above 50 times in my life I've had it go in my arm, so it was understandable. My fiancé went and grabbed my hand and i bit him to make sure my hand she was putting it in would be slack and not jerk. It went in fine amd so I kissed it better. This was the start of him being the best tropper out there.

With the IV in I was they let my father come back too. We chatted a bit and I was starting to get nervous again. The IV felt nice though, no drugs in it just fluids to keep my hydrated for the operation since I hadnt eaten or drank anything (including water) in over 10 hours.

The head nurse of the hospital came to check up and calm everyone's nerves and give us a rundown. She was super chill and her voice made me feel better by a bit. She had had her daughter's tonsils just taken out by my ENT too. She left us once we had no questions.

My anesthesiologist came by next and said she'd give me a "morning margarita" mix to put in my IV sometime before the surgery. She was hilarious and further set my nerves at ease as she cracked other jokes and left us all a bit better.

One of the Op nurses introduced herself (name was Athens-how cool is that name?! Too cool) and then Dr Saman (my ENT) came in. He gave us a thourough rundown and said the whole thing would take 15-w0 minutes for the entire operation. Whats impressive is thats half the industry average. Neat guy too, cracked some jokes and answered all the questions too. I was still nervous but unfortunately with him introducing himself that meant I was next.

The Op nurse Athens and the anesthesiologist came amd wheeled my be to the op room. They got me on a new bed, and put another blanket on me. The windchill was 8°F outside and the OP room was very chilly so they made sure I was warm. Then the anesthesiologist gave me that "margarita." I blacked out after 2 seconds of it emptying into my tube and into my arm.

I woke up and the procedure was over. It was 10:10, and they said that they had difficulty bringing me out of it so they had to counter the pain meds and everything in the IV as well as take out my IV. I was completely sober and for a few minutes on an 8 painof the pain scale. But the nurse was super chill and he gave me my next dose of pain meds as soon as he got my vitals. Almost instantly I was down to a 1 or 2 pain.

The nurse was also super cool cuz anytime I had to speak he saw it and got super close so i just had to use a low voice, cuz I was ginna be mute in a bit. He had an awesome bedside manner and honestly was our fave nurse out of the day. Which is hard cuz everyone was amazing.

Now that I was fully awake from anesthesia and I wasn't having complications, they brought my father and fiancé back.

With no pain meds(they gave me Tylenol-Codeine, which is basically the lowest they could give), I had been crying from pain. When the pain was under control, and I had no influencers in my system.

I cried freshly because I saw my fiancé. I cried from all the passionate love I felt. The nurse probably thought it was pain lol.

I told my fiancé why I was crying and he almost cried too. It was super emotional and awesome.

Then they waited a but to make sure I was still okay and released me.

They had a post-Op nurse come by and help me get dressed. I wore loose clothes luckily and they let me keep the hospital grippy socks. Theyre thick and super comfy.

Once dressed my fiancé came back while my father brought the car. The dude nurse got me in a wheelchair and then out amd into the car. My fiancé sat next to me amd we were off!

It was all over. I am sad I didnt get any fun high stories though. Both this surgery and my wisdom teeth I had hopes but it didn't end up that way. Oh well.

#tonsillectomy #tonsillitis #surgery #needles #medical #medical advances #medical stories #medical stuff #adventures of an adult #personal #okay to reblog #in love #i am so in love #and no one can stop me #well i mean they could if it was a good reason

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hooryayy · 7 years

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TWO YEARS TO THE DAY LATER and I am finally ready to share the story of when I fangirled hard enough to Edward James Olmos that he gave me a free autographed photo of him and Mary McDonnell

So this might get a tad longish, so I’ll be under a cut, but here is a brief summary: a Trump supporter pissed me off so much that despite me being high as heck on adderall, I had to go talk to EJO

In July 2015 I got my then romantic partner and his roommate to watch BSG with me so when I found out EJO was going to be at San Jose Comic Con in August, it only took a little bit of pestering to get them on board.

It was a 2-day convention and my always broke ass had to work late Friday night so we were only going to make it for half of the first day. Saturday morning rolls around and the boys are tripping out because our usual drug guy fell through. It was kind of a ritual for us to pick up some uppers anytime we went out of town, and tbh we were all heavily drug dependent back in those days SO you bet we took 2 extra hours to pop in and out of the city to pick up.

Finally dosed and got on our way, hit the usual weekend bay area traffic and arrived to the con at 3pm. We walked in and the line to meet this guy stretched wall to wall and I was immediately intimidated and tried to walk back out lmao. An announcement was made that they were ending for the day at 4, so I felt a lot less pressured to overcome my anxiety yet. Spent that hour in Star Trek collectors heaven though..

Rest of the eve/night we spent doing things GROWN ASS ADULTS shouldn’t be doing like sneaking into mini-golf and climbing trees with bottles of Jack and hot-boxing our hotel room while watching the series finale of Hannibal...

OK so Sunday. This was my day. We were having breakfast at the Red Robin in Morgan Hill with all the white families that just got done with church, the three of us doubled-down on 60 extended (okay this is a pretty big dose) and I’m starting to get anxious again (with or without the drugs it wouldn’t have mattered) like “I’m not/I can’t meet this guy, I don’t know how to approach him or even what to say blah blah blah” and the boys are getting mad at me because I talked about this for weeks (and planned what i wanted to say) and I’m being lame and I’ll be fine..

We show up to day 2, 12pm.. and literally no one is in line and now I am hella freaking the fuck out because literally it is only me that is stopping this from happening. My friend immediately walks up and shakes his hand and chats for a second and comes back and says the obvious that he is a nice dude, and I am like frozen, second hand embarrassment even though nothing bad happened. But my scared ass walks to the exact opposite corner of the building to slowly browse and psyche myself up for this.

so I got sucked in to this guy’s 90s scifi trading card collection, specifically the x-files binders lol and then he starts to make small talk and stuff, he asks what I study. OK I studied Political Science and Religious Studies, and it LITERALLY does not matter which answer I give it always starts something. but I choose the easier one and say politics.. and hooo boy

This fucker just goes off on me, saying shit like how stupid and lazy my generation is and that we don’t work hard, are entitled and have no idea how the real world works (the usual propaganda), and if we did we would be thinking about voting for Trump in the 2016 election (mind you this was VERY early on where Trump was still considered a joke even to the republicans)

Remember I am HIGH AS Shit. I am 2000% extra aware of and feeling the aggressive and hateful energy coursing through my veins from this interaction. Now Im sure he said other things I don’t remember because all I could do is focus on my breathing as to not get manipulated into whatever space this guy was trying to create but I heard a break in his rant, looked up, smiled and said “Thanks for sharing your collection with me” and dipped for the back exit to smoke 18 cigarettes.

Here is where I am letting myself get fucking pissed off, pacing and chain smoking. Neither of the boys are answering their phones. Then I realized how badass I was just then, and proud of myseelf for spiritually blocking out a nazi (again this is before they identified as such and punching them was a thing). I was like if I can handle this asshole, I can go meet Edward James Fucking Olmos no. problem.

I march back in and go straight to his table but then I took a detour to sit in a white folding chair about 20 feet away for 25 minutes first. Eventually one of his security dudes comes up to me and is like “Are you waiting for an autograph?” and I’m like “no, but I do want to talk to him for a minute if that is possible”

The guy asks for my name and we walk up to EJO together and he goes “This is Amy. She would like to talk with you.” And now I am realizing that everyone here is trying to gauge how severe my social handicap is.. but he puts out his hand to shake

“Hi, I am Ed.” I shook his hand!!

“I’m Amy. I just had the most awful interaction with a Trump supporter here so Im a little put off. He kept telling me how stupid me and my generation are and it makes me very grateful that you are a humanist and philanthropist. I’d recently watched the UN Panel and you talked about the invention of race as a tool for genocide and it means so much to me that you would use your voice and influence on that platform to address these kinds of things...”

and I trail off cuz Im about to ramble and shit and I noticed how he was just taking everything I said very seriously, like wasn’t expecting any of that at all. HE pauses and looks back up at me and says how special that panel was to him, that he’ll never do something as important again in his life. Then he asks me where I go to school and what I study, so I tell him and he is impressed with all the creds. Asks me if I am planning on going into politics.

“Not in the public sense. I want to do policy research targeting intersections of poverty, race, and education” And I swear to god his eyes snap up so fast to meet mine, like he is in admiral mode here and I am captivated. Straight in the eyes to me he goes

“We need you. All of us needs you up there doing that, fighting for that, for us. I have a feeling we are about to enter some tough times. I can tell you are special and it takes special people to make things happen”

I said thank you but I am about to burst into tears. I mean we all know this but let me reinforce it.. Ed is such an intense human and I had all 100% of this guy in my presence, overwhelmingly so, and I am mostly shook because he literally had no obligation to say anything. This guy fucking met me 5 minutes ago but he is ready to say that, and I sense he isn’t the kind of guy to just say shit. Also I AM STILL VERY HIGH lets not forget

So I change the subject because that other stuff is getting too intense for me, and I switch over to BSG lol and I ask him about Adama’s tendency to punish himself physically when he feels he has played some role in pain or negativity coming into his loved ones’ lives. He talks particularly about Adama’s alcoholism in season 4 and how he approached it as a combo of punishment and escapism (which let me tell you is..accurate). He finishes up his answer and all of a sudden I fucking blurt out for some ungodly fucking reason

“I love you and Mary, you are so cute together, I hope to meet her too”

Mortified. I am overstepping boundaries. I am dying inside and I can’t believe I got 3 thoughts out before I stopped.

He smiles and giggles and grabs this pic to sign for me for freeee and says “I hope you will too”

Amy- all of my love to you.

Like is that something he would normally sign for someone? Is that something anyone would sign to a random fan?

Anyways he gave it to me, I said thanks and I literally ran out of the convention clutching this picture to my chest and sat down against the building and started crying of the ultimate level embarrassment I could personally possibly be on. My boys find me and laugh at me and I cried the whole way home.

I still get major embarrassment even today just thinking about this interaction, no matter how well it turned out and how much of an impact EJO had on me.

Feels good to finally share my story in its entirety!! Thanks for reading

#first full account #im serious i have psychological issues surrounding this #personal #edward james olmos #spaceparents #sjcc

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3k626ekful7ozxujar43keiw236in2h · 7 years

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What is lsd like? Is there a difference between taking it alone vs. with other people ?

I’ve only been on it around other ppl once and it was awful but that was cus of the situation, not the people or purely the fact it was around others. Most ppl say its worse alone but I think if you educate yourself about it and are in the right mindset it can be a very positive thing (you control the trip and all that..) I initially took it because I’d read into how lsd can help with ptsd and change change your outlook on areas of your life or allow you to see and realise things you’ve struggled with & I heavily researched all the effects you should expect and be prepared for. I was sexually abused as a child which I’ve talked about on this blog before and people who’ve followed me for a long time will know it affected me a lot as a young teenager. I had alot of messedup thoughts about myself and recurring nightmares of it and I would never go as far as to say acid made me completely get over it and move on but it helped me …. observe the situation better and look at myself not as just being..what happened to me, and look at my life and life in general objectively. I dunno it made me think really deeply into myself and life and begin to come to terms with it. One thing it really changed for me is my feelings about virginity, it affected me alot for a long time despite knowing it wasnt really a big deal and virginity is a social construct and whatever, i couldnt get rid of that disgusting feeling of not being a virgin/having lost my virginity as a child, on lsd I kinda realised I was just seeing this as a way to prove to myself that it changed me and made something less of me, thinking of it as having taken something tangible from you rather than just the vague loss of control or innocence that isnt definable, and I believed on some level it sorta made me a bad person....i think I struggle with not being able to define feelings and thoughts...but yeah that really changed my outlook on how self loathing I was about having lost my virginity. This was all at pretty low doses and wasnt very visual or anything it just helped me think about stuff and explore different mindsets i suppose…I’m not really sure how to explain the mental aspect of it. Acid trips last a long time and i wouldnt just be like non stop ruminating on my fucked up past lol I would let the thoughts and realisations come to me and write stuff down and draw, I would spend a lot of it especially towards the end just listening to music and feeling at peace with the world, alot of the time I would get a sense that everybody is connected which is the only thing thats ever kinda made me feel not inferior to everyone and completely feel like my social anxiety is unjustified and not feel that way for a moment in time, I felt like I was everybody and everybody was like the universe and its all interconnected and kept thinking about how every atom is technically touching lol. I still dunno how to explain this either in a way that fully conveys what it felt like, its just overwhelming feelings, you cant really understand the mindset unless you experience it

The one time I did around others I’d accidentally been sold a much higher dose than I was supposed to have been (250mcg blotter instead of 110…..) and I was so fucked, from everything I’d read about psychedelics I knew it was a high dose lsd trip but I was confused cus i was like..why would someone overdose you its usually the opposite (the dude had actually given me the wrong blotter, and someone else mine rip, he was so apologetic about it tho) ummm but I ended up going to a girls house that im not even that close friends with and she was super cool about it but I was so embarrassed. I basically was just uncontrollably laughing and it was insanely visual, I wasn’t really scared I mean I was kinda scared cus I didnt know where it would go but I just kept reminding myself its just a chemical. I could totally understand from what I saw and the way I felt the stories you hear about ppl taking acid and getting paranoid the whole world is a simulation or that its never gonna end. Idk how to explain but I feltlike i was in a 3d animation software, everything looked fake and like 3d models, and literally even now I cant look at frost covered leaves and trees without seeing them from that mindset. Loads of fractals in the frosted ground and my friends ceiling, echoing in peoples movement and like the cmyk echoing colour thing you see on aestheitc photos if u know what i mean, wicker basket in her lounge legit looked like snakes, felt really electricy and gross and kept feeling like i was leaving my body into other parts of the room but not like physically I cant explain it. Also the apps on my phone were boncing around lol. My thoughts were like 100 a second and i really couldnt focus i felt like i was having non stop epiphanies but couldnt grasp onto any of them. I also felt very paranoid my friend was texting ppl making fun of me when she was on her phone, and just really self concious and embarrassed and kept apologising to her even though she was cool wit it. it was gross

#Sorry this is so long #Anonymous

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stilldollest · 3 years

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oh my god your recent post about the bed death thing has me paranoid now, i don’t even have that but like still lol

Dude same im scared af and ever since i got the third dose of my vaccine i got nocturnal hypoglycaemia for two days and my 24 hr dose is already soooo low (5 units literally) but apparently that death is super rare but im still so scared ugh

Try not to be paranoid the best thing to do is keep ur sugar controlled and try to go to bed when its a little higher but not too high

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t0sshii · 7 years

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5-10-17

so i decided to write this post because i’ve been having some things on my mind and i haven’t really been able to get them off my chest

ok let’s backtrack to the beginning of college--last year. i really thought once i hit college it would be a fresh start. i can change who i was. because i didn’t like who i was in high school. too quiet. too shy. awkward when not around friends. i wanted to be like one of my childhood friends. she’s my opposite. outgoing. extra-friendly. everyone she meets loves her instantly.. smart. me? pretty forgettable. introverted. if you meet me the first time, chances are i’ll have to reintroduce myself the second time because i was so quiet the first time.

but freshman year was literally one of the loneliest times in my life. sure, it was great in the beginning: i was roommates with one of my friends from high school and wooo i started dating my boyfriend. it was pretty awesome. i thought i was becoming this new and improved person who had fun and went out to do shit my parents would never let me do back home.

i don’t know what changed? my roommate got new friends and suddenly i realized im the same person i was in high school. i’m not blaming her for making friends, though that’s great. i was honestly glad for her she didn’t have just me to hang out with. not gonna lie, i’m pretty boring. but when she introduced me to these new friends, i become very quiet. awkward. extra boring. uncomfortable. and yeah, that was me in high school whenever i wasn’t with my friends. even if i have a friend there, if i don’t know anyone else, i’m like a fish out of water. i don’t know what to say. my roommate became friends with the people around us in the building and it was pretty awesome for her. me? same old same old. no friends other than my roommate, my boyfriend, and my best friend back home. great.

but yeah, felt extremely alone. i talked to literally no one outside of class. i wanted to hang out with people, but i never went out unless i was invited. or spoke unless i was spoken to. but you know. those never happened because no one knew who i was? it was a bad cycle.

and i felt so lonely i cried on my pasta in the cafeteria and had to run to the church and cry by myself.....more than once.

fast forward to spring semester. i don’t know what changed? i started hanging out with our neighbors since they were the same major as me. i had a class with someone who later became one of my close friends. and i feel really bad for this, but i got so excited, i started to spend more time with them than my roommate. distance between us grew and then i found myself being a fish out of water in my own room. did some very regrettable things and i ended my freshman year as someone i didn’t want to be. and i still haven’t talked to my old roommate about what happened? but apparently everything seems fine? we still talk and say hello. but not as close as we were before. i miss her though.

honestly, without her, my boyfriend, and my friend back home i would have cried in church by myself a lot more than i did.

fall semester of sophomore year. yay. new slate. new roommate, had a great conversation with my old one, starting clinicals, group of friends. it’s going to be awesome. it was. i had all of my classes with one of my friends and it was great. we got closer. and i really felt like i was coming out of my shell. my relationship has been great. my coworkers are pretty cool and it’s fun hanging out with them after staff meetings. sure, i liked my alone time. that’s never going to change, but i really felt like i was becoming a person i want to be. i made friends with a few people in my clinical group. laughed a lot. didn’t cry because i was lonely once. i’m very grateful to my friend because she made me comfortable enough to be more myself. end of fall semester, i was definitely happier.

these are just brief summaries so i can get to the present lol

and now this semester. i had clinicals with my friend and my roommate which was awesome. honestly, i wouldn’t be as open without them. i became closer with my roommate too because we had all our classes together. relationship is still awesome (he still makes me happy. butterflies still there. ew gross. ok stop being cheesy). i can say “hi” to a lot more people than i did freshman year that’s for sure.

but i feel like i’m becoming the person i was freshman year again. i’m starting to rely on my roommate, my boyfriend, and my friend back home (who i literally text all times of the day) for my needed doses of human interaction. like night skype with my boyfriend is what i look forward too.

the above things themselves aren’t bad. in fact, they’re great! it’s nice to have supports to fall back on and people who are there for you. and people who love you. and i’m really lucky they’re in my life.

but idk. i feel like i should be hanging out with more people, too? like work more on becoming this super outgoing person that i want to be? but i really just want to stay in bed and do nothing all the fucking time. and it’s so annoying because there’s one part of me that wants to leave and go out and have fun and live like every single day. and then there’s the other part that wants to say no to invites, stay indoors, cuddle my stuffed sloth, lie down, and stay that way. what’s wrong with me haha

but yeah. friends have other friends. but me? still keep within the friend group and work group. sure, i talk to some other people, but it’s like acquaintance talk? i don’t know. i thought i was changing. but i guess i’m not. i don’t really even go out anymore except for fridays with my roommate--which are fun, i look forward to them. she’s a great person to be around and we laugh a lot together.

should be fine right? i have friends at least. i love my roommate. i love my boyfriend. i can’t wait to go home to hang out with my fiends back home. so what’s the problem? why do i still feel lonely sometimes? i shouldn’t. i reaaaallllyyyyy shouldn’t.

i’m becoming a fish out of water again. and it sucks. so much. because someone told me that they wish people got to know me more because i’m actually? pretty? cool? i guess? i wish more people got to know me more too. but clinicals is over and i feel like i’m missing out on my chance for some really good friends in that group because i need years to fucking open up or whatever. i just feel like i’m missing out because i still can’t hold a conversation and i have this tendency to overthink my conversations after they happen.

and i’m scared of having to start all over again with a new group. and this time no friends to use as an anchor. and i know it shouldn’t even be a problem because i’m going to clinicals to learn. still. the anxiety is there.

i just want to be one of those people who smile a lot and can have a conversation with literally anyone and can meet new people and not have to mentally prepare conversations in their head.

none of this made sense my bad. i can’t put my feelings into words really well--still tryna figure out how to describe how i’m feeling? still have more to say so look forward (or not?) to more posts. honestly, i think i just sound like a little baby who makes a big deal out of nothing.

i guess we all go through rough patches. to quote heathers: “if you were happy all the time, you wouldn’t be human. you’d be a gameshow host.”

but yeah. other than that. semester’s been great. HESI got me fucked up though. idk.

i know i don’t really sound happy in this post, but actually am. like in this point in my life i’d rate my happiness like.... 7/10. this stuff is mostly late night thoughts, or back of my mind thinking i try to suppress. like don’t worry about me, guys. other than this stuff i’m fine :)

p.s. i'm very thankful my boyfriend, roommates (old and current), and my friends back home, and friends here for keeping me (somewhat?) sane and laughing. cause i forget negativity when i’m with them.

#meri speaks #i don't know?#i don't know how to sort out feelings #my feelings are a mess and i dont know why?#why am i like this #ugh #frustrating myself #honestly #i'm just trash really

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