#im not really better but im trying to get myself to experience joy by looking at cool birds

[learnyouabiology]

Fun Fact: Oilbirds are Basically BatBirds!

I want to talk about these amazing birds:

I love them. I mean, look at their big, shiny eyes! NO ONE can say that they aren’t cute as hell!

The other reason I love these animals is because they’re basically what happens when evolution tries to make a bat out of a bird.

These little guys are known as oilbirds (Steatornis caripensis), and are also called guácharo (and also several other things, because they are found in South America, plus Trinidad & Tobago, which all have INCREDIBLE language diversity). 

Oilbirds are nocturnal, flying around the forests of South America at night looking for fruit to eat. They also live colonially in caves, which they navigate using echolocation.

So, to review:

(I’m making my Generic Bats a very generic fruit bat, for the record).

Oilbirds are the only birds with this combination of traits, which I think is pretty cool of them! Why are they so much like bats? Basically, when different types of animals evolve under similar selective pressures, they often evolve the same features! This is called convergent evolution, and wow I talk about it a lot on this blog! It turns out that nocturnal animals that live in caves and eat fruit can sometimes benefit from traits like these!

(they’re, like... spooky-cute. Cute-spooky? Either way, I like them a lot)

So, if these birds are flying around at night, how do they stop themselves from flying into things while searching for that tasty, tasty fruit?

Well, in the forest, they mostly rely on their AMAZING night vision (which is another trait they share with bats, fyi). That is why they have such big, adorable eyes, which has a lot of light-sensing cells called rods. They actually hold a record for the density of the rods in their eyes: one million per square millimetre. That is the highest density of any known vertebrate. It’s about 6x denser than the rods found in human eyes! 

...still cute

Their amazing vision allows them to see very well in low light, which is how they navigate the South American jungles at night, searching for food under the moon and stars. That said, their vision just doesn’t cut it when it comes to flying in the caves they call home. Why? Well, caves are dark as hell, and even the best night-vision can’t do anything for you when there’s no light at all. Plus, flying into cave walls/ cliff faces hurts, so it’s good to be extra sure you’re not flying into solid rock!

So how do they find their way around these dark caves? Well, they use something very unusual for birds: echolocation!

Oilbirds are one of only a few species of birds that are known to use echolocation (the others are a few species of  the closely-related swiflets (Collocaliini), but I HAVE DECIDED TODAY IS FOR THE OILBIRDS im sorry, swiflets, ilu2).

Look at them, not flying into rocks! I’m so proud (˃̣̣̥ ◡ ˂̣̣̥)

Also, a bonus fact, because idk where to fit this but I MUST mention it:

They have little whiskers around their beaks (which are technically called “rictal bristles”, but I’m going to call them “whiskers” because I like that word better). These whiskers are basically used to feel things that they have in and around their mouth, helping them find, manipulate, and eat their tasty fruit!

...moustache...

This has been Fun Fact Friday!

#science #birds #biology #sciblr #science side of tumblr #STEM #adhd in STEM #zoology #ecology #convergent evolution #fun fact friday #fun facts #oilbirds #I know i've been MIA for a while #my reason is that clinical depression CAME FOR ME #mental illness strikes again! #im not really better but im trying to get myself to experience joy by looking at cool birds #i also touched some trees and am in therapy and have new meds

[ybbag777]

I could ponder for hours what my favorite Stryker of painting to 'look' at is, but my favorite style of painting to 'paint' is impressionist by w mile. There's something about the impression of it that's just so fun to try to create by looking at a scene.

#i started painting landscapes about a year ago #and ever since ive started loving the world around me more #the small moments in life when you just stare out windows and watch trees fly by #going anywhere or seeing anything felt like a reason to go anywhere or do anything #like is there anything better than seeing trees and the sky and breathing in the fresh air? #im kind of coming out of a period of pretty bad depression #and one of the things that got me through it was just trying to find something loved about anything #even if it was just a color a shape the way that thelight bounced off it #theres more to life than what things look like but i feel like i was trying to love what was going on in front of me #and now im okay with making myself happy #i can still be sad about things but im not sad all day #instead of being the exact same all the time i can be angry one moment and happy a few later #i still like to paint #but its not my only joy now #i was scared of going on meds for a long time because i had a really bad experience with them when i was younger #but im actually really glad that i went to someone to get help #they havent done a ton to supress the i trusive thoughts but they have helped a lot with the depression #i feel better #i know its not perfect but i can feel good #and that little bit of releif feels like the world #i don't know im just thinking out loud now #still hella dyslexic but whatever

[dreamlifebunny]

hi~ i just wanted to know your thoughts or opinions on tarot readings? i got into reading tarot about a year ago and it turns out i am pretty good at it ! i get so inspired and really feel like im helping people when i give them readings. im not really sure if it's on brand for neville's teachings though. I've been a bit torn cause I really do fully believe in the virtues of both NG and divination, but it's kind of hard cause law of assumption is all about finding answers from the inner man, not from external sources (like tarot cards...) so i just wanted to know if you have any advise on keeping a balance of these things or maybe i should walk away from tarot practices altogether? yeah im not really sure, but any thoughts you have would be much appreciated 🫶🏻

OMG ANON, this is my favourite question EVER!! I completely understand what you mean, it's hard to "believe" in or use tarot when you know that you create your own reality and answers. However, I think that tarot is a super great tool for us to get to know our limiting beliefs and help us along our manifesting journeys!

Before I begin, I wanted to say that I think you are very wise to be questioning two seemingly "opposing" beliefs (tarot as an external source, law of assumption as an internal source). Spirituality and truth come from asking questions and getting to the very core of our beliefs, and I think you're doing good work here by trying to figure this out and asking these questions! ❤️

At its core, tarot is a collection of universal symbols that humanity has repeatedly identified with and recognized over time. It's very easy for us to look at a card's imagery and see how it reflects our own lived experiences. With this in mind, tarot is actually a really great way for us to better understand ourselves and our beliefs and solidify our manifesting practice!

I'll give you a couple examples. Let's say that I know for a fact that all of my desires have already been said "yes" to and that all I need to do is relax and be excited and fulfilled. If I asked, "where am I blocked in my manifestation?" and I pulled the Four of Cups, the card could be telling me that I am being handed my desire but I keep saying "no" to it by not believing that it is already mine!

Another example could be that I know that all I need to do is go within myself and fulfill the inner man. If I ask the question "where am I blocked in my manifestation?" and pull the Five of Pentacles, it could be saying that I am ignoring the warmth and abundance that is inside myself and instead am choosing to wander around the outside world looking for confirmation!

As you can see, I am not relying on the tarot to tell me whether or not my desire is coming, because the truth of the Law of Assumption has already given me that answer; a resounding yes! Instead, I am using the tarot to show me where I am straying from the truth, and getting advice on where I can reclaim my power as I Am.

In a way, we can use tarot similarly to how Neville used the bible; he analyzed the bible and re-framed the content to better understand and reflect the truths of the Law of Assumption, and we can do the same using tarot! The Law is the truth, and the tarot helps us return to that truth when used in a helpful way.

Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using tarot even though you know the truth of the Law of Assumption. For example, we know that we can lose weight without working out simply by assuming we have lost weight, but some people absolutely love going to the gym and have fun working out, so they should absolutely keep doing that! Same with tarot; we know that we can find all of the answers we need inside of ourselves, but we are also humans who struggle with human problems and tarot can be a really comforting and fun thing. Plus, if you get super inspired doing tarot and it brings joy to your life, then you ABSOLUTELY should continue doing it! 💗 Manifesting and Neville's teachings come from a place of wanting to feel the absolute most lovely feelings and give yourself the best life possible, and if tarot gives you lots of happy feelings then that is the best thing ever! 🥰

And really when you think of it, tarot may seem like "external" source, but where do you get all of the answers from when you pull a card? Yourself! You go within your mind and your own experience and intuition and you give yourself and others wonderful answers through the cards. In this way, tarot is actually a great way for us to externalize what we already know internally. It's kinda like when you feel sad or angry so you choose to journal all of the feelings out; as soon as you get it out, you get answers to your questions and you feel relief for having externalized it all.

Finally, the way that I learned tarot is to use it to tell a story; who are the characters? How does their story progress in the pictures of the cards we pull? Self / I Am / God wanted to live an infinite number of lives to experience its wonderful limitlessness, just like how human beings want to create beautiful stories and art. Tarot helps us understand our own human story, and that is a lot of fun and a huge comfort, even when we already know the truth!

(Also keep in mind, not a lot of people know or believe in the Law, which makes reading tarot for others such a beautiful way to give them positive news and make them feel good about themselves! And what a beautiful and lovely thing that is ❤️)

Hopefully this answers your question anon, I really appreciate such a thoughtful question and I hope you continue to pursue whatever makes you happiest and always returning to your belief in the law! 🥰 Also, pleaseeeee DM me if you ever wanna talk more about tarot and the law!!! Hehe.

Finally: I truly encourage everyone to look at any spiritual belief that you have or that you used to have and turn it over in your minds until you get to the core truth. Learn new things, test them out, and expand your mind and your beliefs against the things that you already know! I'll make a post on this later, because it is a really beautiful thing to explore :) Big hugs! ❤️

#law of assumption #manifesting #tarot #manifestation #loass #neville goddard #edward art #loassumption #spirituality

[schizoid-culture-is]

hello! I hope it's ok to ask, i'm not affected myself but asking for a family member I try to understand better. I'm confused by what they mean when they say that they have no emotion? Is it suppressing emotions (good or bad) to a point where they genuinely can't be felt anymore. Or an actual loss of emotion without anything suppressed? I used to have depression and know how it feels to have no joy in things that used to be fun, but most of the time i still felt bad and not nothing. And my family member seems to show more emotions lately, after a positive change in our life (like happy excitement, but also things like resentment. So, is that ... good? or a sign of things getting "better" for them? (i have a really hard time understanding, so i can't even say what's better or worse. If emotions are stressful, i don't want to hurt them by encouraging their exploration.) p.s. sorry english isn't my first language, but thank you for hearing me out.

This is a tough thing to answer ngl

I would say that most schizoids experience a high level of emotion loss, though sometimes it can be more like a change of how they experience emotions, so its not easy to tell what they are feeling internally.

Now for them showing more positive emotions, this isn't a bad thing for sure, but its not that their szpd is getting "better", but its just as simple as "they look more happy and are experiencing better things". Schizoids can still enjoy stuff externally, but it doesn't mean that they are always feeling that way internally.

If a schizoid were to be "forced" to feel a lot of emotion or are put into an emotional situation it can be stressful, but they dont seem bothered (do i sound like im talking about a dog? lmao).

Im no mind reader so I cannot say what is happening with your family member, but none of this sounds like a bad thing! I'm glad that you care about them! :]

#non schizoids are always encouraged to ask questions! #szpd #scpd #schizoid #schizoid pd #schizoid personality disorder #personality disorder #cluster a #cluster a pd #not schizoid culture

[viennacherries]

what is your favourite thing that you’ve ever written?

this maybe isn't the answer you were looking for/expecting, and it's a little bit personal/deep, so sorry for that.

my actual favourite thing i've ever written is the eulogy i wrote and spoke at my mum's funeral. she passed when i was 16 after a long battle with cancer, but her passing was still very sudden. we were told she had about 6 months just days before she died.

it was more of a 'celebration of life' rather than an actual funeral. my mum wasn't religious and we wanted it to reflect on her more rather than a god she didn't believe in. it was amazing. friends she hadn't seen in years travelled from across the country and even the world to come and say goodbye to her. there were so many people that we didn't have enough chairs, and the room was completely full because people had to stand at the back and sides.

i've put it below the cut, if anyone wants to read it. it's obviously very emotional, so be prepared. but it's also very hopeful, in a way that i think you have to be when you experience a profound loss.

i turn 21 in just over a week, and i think about her and this speech around my birthday. 16 year old cher was very scared, but hopeful that things would get better, and im glad she was right.

I think everyone is aware of the fact they'll have to say goodbye to their parents someday from quite a young age. I think the problem is I never imagined it would be this soon.

To an extent I had prepared myself when mum was first diagnosed with cancer. I had to accept that there was a chance I had to say goodbye. But then I didn’t have to.

I never got the chance to prepare this time. Maybe that's what feels so bittersweet. Would things have been different if I’d known sooner? If I'd known the last time would be the last time. Would I hug her tighter? Would I say all the things I needed to say?

Or would I have just never let go?

Would any of the words felt right? Would any of it have felt enough? Or would I have spent forever regretting the words I misspoke or the ones I missed? Maybe this way is better because it was unclouded by the fear of the future.

There are so many things I wish I'd told her. That I didn't blame her. That it wasn’t her fault. That I loved her more than she knew. That I hoped she found peace.

I really hope she has. I think in my heart I know she has.

I see her in everything. In the sunset and the sunrise when the sky is clear. In every Robin or Blue Tit that seems a little too calm around me, that lands a little too close or sings extra loudly. I see her in the kindness others give me, because I know she has inspired it because they loved her. It's like she’s talking to me. Like it's her telling me things will be okay. When I hug my family or friends I hold on extra tight as though it's her, and I never ever want to let go.

I think something I hadn't considered is how hard listening to music would be. Because suddenly all these words have a new meaning and you hear them in a way you never have before. Or a song comes on that I know she loved and I realise I'll never hear her sing it again or watch her dance to it while we're stopped at traffic lights.

For the last four years people have told me how strong I am. I don’t think it's true. I think she was strong. She pushed through every day. She put up with [brother's name] and I at our worst and our best. she brought people joy and she made people feel loved. She never stopped fighting. I don’t think I'm strong, I don't think any of us are. I think every day she kept going she gave everyone a little bit of her strength. I think she made us strong by being strong. I think her strength inspired ours. Everything I am is her. Some days I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at her, if not for the way I look then for the person I am. Because I'm a reflection of her. Of everything she taught me. I have always lived every single day of my life trying to make her proud. I hope wherever she is she knows I'll never stop.

She always gave the best advice, even on the days where it wasn't what I wanted to hear or I got angry because I didn’t think I agreed, she always knew what to say. I only wish I could ask her one more thing.

What do I do now? What happens from here? How do I keep going without you?

I'd like to think that I know what she'd say. She'd tell me I'm strong. She'd tell me she's with me. She'd tell me she believes in me and she'd hold my hand.

All of my memories of mum right now are painful. Because I know they're just memories. But they make me hopeful because I can hold onto them forever. They make me hopeful because someday remembering her won't hurt, it'll feel warm and I'll feel love. Someday we'll all be okay.

Our memories of mum keep her alive. Even when she’s gone. I want you all to think of her and when you do, I want you to smile, just like she always made us all smile.

Remember her with love. Remember who she was. She loved you.

So to you mum. Because I know you're here and I know you're listening. I hope you see how loved you are. I hope you feel it. I hope you know I don't blame you. I hope you know it wasn't your fault. I hope you've found peace. I hope you know just how much I love you. How much we all do. I can't wait to see you again.

#cher chats #tw cancer #tw mourning #tw grief #cancer #mourning #grief #grief poetry

[conanssummerchild]

stranger things characters as taylor swift albums

i saw someone make a post abt this and i decided to make my own lol. ngl it was really hard to decide and im not even sure i agree with myself, if u think smth else feel free to tell me!

Dustin Henderson as Debut

To me Debut is about youth and first loves and messing up and the lessons you learn, its about feeling like an outsider but also about being with the people you love, those who you dont feel whole without. I think that that matches well with Dustin's character, he's energetic and excited to learn and experience things, he cares for his friends deeply but can feel left out sometimes.

El Hopper as Fearless

I think Fearless is about new beginnings and second chances, about being young and in love, wishing for your fairytale ending and being dissapointed when real life isn't like a movie. It's about highschool and being brave, it's about family, found and otherwise. It's about being fifteen. El is such a pure character, she's brave and willing to stand up when she has to, but wanting to be more than that, trying to be a teenager, making the best of something bad.

Will Byers as Speak Now

Speak Now is an album about growing up but never wanting to, it's about trying to hold onto your childhood, about whimsical fantasies, about foolishness and the broken hearts that come with it, about loving and fighting and making up and hoping those special moments in your life are long lived. Speak Now is about innocence and the loss of it. Will isn't ready to move on and grow up the way his friends seem to be, he wishes that things could be how they used to because it was so much better back then, he loves bravely and says what's on his mind, but keeps some things quietly locked away, afraid.

Robin Buckley as Red

Red is kind of a lonely album, that of a people person who never has her own people in the end. It's a coming of age album about the realities of growing up and being forgotten, it's full of heartbreak and fear of rejection, it's a catchy melody with sad lyrics, but it is filled to the brim with burning red love and passion too. From the moment Robin was introduced she was clever and snarky, passionate and confident and lovable. Behind that she was a deep character, a brave one, she is undeniably, iconically her.

I KNOW this song isnt originally from red but i like it :(

Steve Harrington as 1989

If you asked me I'd say that 1989 is about partying and being young and having fun and being in love. It's about petty grudges and and love that feels all-encompassing, but is really just suffocating, it's about what people say about you and who you really are. It's about moving on and being clean and starting anew despite the strangers talking about what's not theirs to talk about. Steve is a character that has constantly bettered himself, constantly having to prove that he isn't the same person he was. He's fallen in love and had to fall out of it time and time again.

Nancy Wheeler as reputation

reputation is about revenge and also karma, it's about killing the old you but not forgetting her, it's about new loves and not letting yourself get pushed around, it's about how delicate life and love can be. It pushes the boundries of cold and seeming like you dont care. But you do. Nancy is an interesting character to say the least, she's brave and strong and she struggles with showing her emotions and care, sometimes hurting people because of it, but she tries.

Lucas Sinclair as Lover

Lover is warm and comforting like the sun coming out after a dark day. It's about doing your best to overcome hardships, it's about who you are because of them, not despite them. It's about letting go, letting yourself forget instead of holding on tight to the hurt, turning a fresh page instead of trying to change an already used up one. It's about love. Lucas is so kind and caring, he wants the best for everyone he loves and he loves so purely, he's a character who has been hurt repeatedly but has stayed strong. He's a lover, both romantically and platonically.

Mike Wheeler as folklore

folklore is a cold winter that seems to go on forever with no relief. It's sitting in a vast field of snow without a jacket by your own choice, it's about constantly trying and failing and everyone around you chastising you for not being better. It's about pulling up to the lookout and screaming into the emptiness to give you a reason for your pain. It's about failing in love and messing up with the one. Other people's pain seems to seep into you and you keep the burden of it. folklore is suffocating despair and the love you can only wish for but never have. Mike is the only one who I knew what album I was going to asign him from the start, he's a sad, lonely character who tries to help everyone but himself. His pain is invisible to those around him because he keeps it close and hidden, he lashes out and digs himself further into a hole he cannot get out of on his own.

Max Mayfield as evermore

evermore is the coldest autumn, the trees obscure your view but you've long since stopped trying to reach for the fading sun. The rain falls but you can only sometimes feel it, you try to pretend it's fine this way, yet you keep venturing deeper into the thick forest. The truth is you are stuck, and as much as you pretend you're not it won't stop the mud from sticking to your soles and trying to pull you in as you reject the branches reaching for you. evermore is what happens when love can't overcome all. Max is sarcastic and fun, but there's always that overlying fear and anger that she eventually falls into, she's hurt and she can't move on from the things that have happened to her.

Jonathan Byers as Midnights

Midnights is an album of staying awake at night, all alone in the haze you thought fit two. The things you've seen and done haunt you, they make you lose sleep, all you've lost and gained, all you never had to begin with and never will. It's simple really, you're on your own. Jonathan is a loner, he's lost so much and matured too much for his age. He never had relief from his responsibilities, always needing to be present. It's a tiring life to live.

#lol if u made it this far we can get married #stranger things #taylor swift #st x ts #taylor swift debut #fearless (taylor's version) #speak now (taylor’s version) #red (taylor’s version) #1989 (taylor's version) #reputation taylor swift #lover taylor swift #folklore taylor swift #evermore taylor swift #midnights taylor swift #dustin henderson #duzie #el hopper #will byers #byler #robin buckley #steve harrington #platonic stobin #nancy wheeler #jancy #lucas sinclair #lumax #mike wheeler #max mayfield #jonathan byers #alex says shit

[wttcsms]

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

[rinbowaman]

hi reina my love,

im so sorry I went inactive for two days I was super busy and just couldnt cope and keep up with everything going on in my life right now and rarely had time to open my phone. But I promise that i’ll always try to make it up to you whether it be this week or in the next days.

I cant forgive myself knowing I didnt greet you on your birthday!!!! oh my lord…I will forever be guilted by this…well in that case here’s a letter I made hehe <33

Dear Reina,

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your presence in my life. Even though we haven't met in person, you have become such an important part of my daily routine. Our conversations, shared thoughts, and laughs have become my solace in times of stress and my celebration in times of joy.

I appreciate your willingness to listen, your kind words, and your willingness to share your own experiences. You have provided me with a sounding board, a cheerleader, and a confidante. Knowing that you are just a message away gives me such comfort and peace. You are such an incredibly talented and beautiful person and though I haven’t seen your face, I know your gorgeous inside and out. Talking to you, reading your writings, and sending my reactions to you knowing I was able to make you smile is and always will ne the highlight of my day.

I feel incredibly lucky to have you as my best friend. Im not sure if you know this but, you truly have made a positive impact on my life, and I hope that I have done the same for you. I look forward to continuing our journey together, sharing more laughs, and making more memories.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

I wish you the happiest birthday ever!!!!! you deserve everything and more. I love you always.

With so much love,

Nik

oh my girl! dont worry about the bday, i purposely left it out bc i get too overwhelmed by letting ppl know about my birthdate lol. i'm so glad to hear back from you, i know you've been busy. hows ballet practice?

and i just want to say that your message, along with @iamliacamila , @heeshees , @moonmoongi and my Em anon and everyone else that have sent me bday wishes and heartfelt messages, i love you all. these messages make my day and make life truly worth living for. i love that i am able to bring you guys joy and content within this blog, and allow your minds to escape reality, I'm a firm believer that we need to be a little delulu to keep ourselves sane lol. but i am so happy that i made this blog to connect and make friends, which was something i was lacking bc i just never really had the opportunity to make a whole lot in person. but this is way better if you ask me lol. to think that it all started from my friend who stans enhypen, and convinced me to make this blog and turn my fics into heeseung fics lol. ofc i had to pick her brain and have her educate me on who the hell enhypen was, and still, there are some days that i have to hit her up for some new photos or information to reflect in the fics, but i'm glad that i know about them solely bc i get to meet and become friends with you and everyone else. <3

this photo is something i'm vibing to rn bc i have a big cheese eating grin on my face lol.

[allsadnshit]

please ignore this if it’s too personal but i’ve followed you a very long time and i see you talk about being sober a lot. i recently got sober from an alcohol addiction that lasted the better part of two years and i’m really struggling to find the confidence to do the things i know will make me happy. i want to drink again but every time i do im just miserable and i know i don’t want to live like that again. what was your push to get sober and stay sober? and how did you begin to reconnect with things that brought you joy?

I think my position on sobriety is really affected by my health. Part of no longer drinking or smoking was put into motion simply because my health was so bad that I couldn't, and kept trying to, and it was literally destroying me when I was already hanging on by a thread. Staying sober has been really attached to recognizing the role drinking and smoking had in my life for avoidance, getting rid of difficult emotions, and numbing myself physically from my chronic pain and giving it up fully and not looking back is something I couldn't do without therapy every single week AND no longer surrounding myself with those things.

Lifestyle is key in my experience. If you are trying to get sober but surrounded by friends who are using substances still even if they claim it's casual and normal...I don't think it's fair to assume you won't struggle MORE because of that. I don't go out to eat anymore so I am not around bars. I don't go to places where smoking is part of the socialization. I think keeping my environment focused on passions that are separate from those things like cooking, illustrating, and having my husband be sober too is what helps me the absolute most.

[skullchicken]

Ich habe 8.367 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

92 Einträge erstellt (1%)

8.275 Einträge gerebloggt (99%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@yondamoegi

@arkatrine

@the-barabarian

@friendlygiantstm

@nyoxt-was-here

Ich habe 976 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#shadowrun – 59 Einträge

#my art – 30 Einträge

#self-reblog – 23 Einträge

#tabletop – 18 Einträge

#urban fantasy – 18 Einträge

#cyberpunk – 16 Einträge

#lol – 15 Einträge

#inspiration – 14 Einträge

#ttrpg – 13 Einträge

#artists on tumblr – 12 Einträge

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#and discipline are all variables in a large equation that exists to determine how good a grade you can get on some cosmic test that you’re

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

On the way home, 2020

104 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 2. März 2022

#4

"This won't go over well at the next team meeting"

Please click to see the details! (or you might not spot the guy)

I love myself some illustrations that tell a story, so I tried my hand at one. I had a lot of fun snapping reference photos for sloppily eating ramen ^^

125 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 9. März 2022

#3

I dunno, I think that went well

125 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 28. August 2022

#2

Here's a rule of thumb that really helped me build up a circle of close friends in my twenties:

Friendship = bonding x times met

Meaning: if you want to befriend someone, make sure you have contact on a somewhat regular basis.

I know this is easier said than done for many people, but if you have the brain-space and ability for it, try this:

Make a list of people you know personally and that you'd like to know better or be good friends with. people who bring you joy. I would not make the list too long, maybe 12 at the most.

Now write the last time you spoke or wrote to them next to their name. bonus: note down subjects you talked about.

Put the list somewhere where you see it (your desktop, first page of your notebook, wall, whatever).

Write the person you haven't spoken the longest to, if it has been longer than two weeks. ask them how they are doing (or if you remember, how something they have been talking to about last time has turned out)

This helps you to make sure you don't drop off the face of the earth unintended. It also keeps you from letting people slip away that you get along great with but that don't stick around in your memory much, for whatever reason.

Most people, I feel, aren't great at keeping contact or contacting someone out of the blue. if you're one of the people who struggles with it, you're not alone. But if you can form a habit of contacting people you'd like to have in your life more, it can be a great source of joy and comfort.

370 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 13. April 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

I just had a small epiphany why you might like other people's art more than your own:

It's the lack of suspension of disbelief.

When you see something someone else has drawn or painted, you take in the content faster than you take in the technical aspects. You experience it as pseudo-real, the same way you stop perceiving animated characters as drawn or book characters as written as you get into the story.

On the other hand, when you yourself have made something, all you see is the machine behind the theater, so to speak. You're probably thinking about lines, shading, coloring in a "does this make sense? Is this the best decision I could have made?"-kind of way.

I think that's also why sometimes, pictures you haven't looked at for a long time starts looking nice to you again, à la: "Hey past-me was unto something! Why can't I replicate it nowadays?". It's probably specifically because you've forgotten the process of making it that you are now seeing it with fresh eyes.

Art is an illusion, but a magician has a hard time tricking themself. So don't be so hard on yourself: it's probably just that you can't see the magic right now, but that doesn't mean it's not there.

742 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 23. November 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

#tumblr2022 #Jahresrückblick #Mein Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 #Dein Tumblr-Jahresrückblick #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #yeh it's german but I'm too lazy to translate #you know the drill #gestures vaguely

[furiousocean]

I kind of woke up to reality last thursday…

And I felt myself. And realized that for a long time now parts of me have been getting rotting bit by bit, it's different than the anger I felt before, the rage had on one of its hands a desire for changing things, my life, the relationships with the members of my family and on its other: hope, hope that I could make that change happen, that I could make my mother understand me and support who I am, if I could only express myself better, if I just say the right thing. That I could actually maintain a friendship ( I can't even do that online). That my sister would be my sister again….it came with energy and actions…

I'm getting rotten and I don't feel anything anymore, I don't draw, I don't fight, I barelly can do the stupid, easy and silly things that used to bring me joy, I just don't care. There is a cruel indifference where before was a kindness and patience a try for comprehension, understanding and connection.

Last thursday I woke up a little, It took just one of my passions to shine in a new light to wake up the whole rest of my brain again, I'm feeling things… but it's just barelly what it was before, I don't want to be like this, but I don't know how long I'll stay awake this time or how strong is this want of change to battle against all the mess up parts that the decomposition has reached.

I think I'm lost, alone and without direction, Im just floating in a sea of nothingness, but I'm not sad nor terrified and I'm not unfamiliar with this calm waters, this is my home. It would be easier I think if I was scared, if this terrified me and suffocated me, maybe my surival insticts would kick in and I could get to the shore wherever that place is, because the thruth is that if I've ever had a friend who would laugh and do silly things with me I don't remember them and if there was ever a family member who could accept me and guide me, or at least like me it was all a dream, so I don't even know how this shore looks like. I lack connections in my life, I've failed in the most human experience, I craved it so much, I looked for it without knowing I was far away lost at sea… without even kowing... I dumbly tried to run when I should have been swiming assuming I was just like the others on the sand. Then I cried, fighted and finally learned to swim, so I swam, I tried to reach the shore without realizing I was just swiming in circles, I think sometimes I really drowned myself, parts of me maybe did die, maybe that's why I am rotten, what happens now? can I save myself? even tho I know how to swim I don't know where the shore is, I still don't know how to get there, maybe that isn't an option for me, I don't believe in destiny, but maybe destiny does exist, maybe my destiny is just to keep floating here… But then I wake up and I think…I don't want to be here…but if I swim I will start to drown again and i'll have more rotten parts than intact parts of myself, and this intact parts are so few… that if try and fail once again then I know I will be just a rotten body devoid of life and at the end I'll end up falling at sleep again.

#personal #I need to start therapy again #maybe I'm still a little drunk from yesterday #Listening to music right now I haven't done that in a while #journaling on tumblr because why not #fuck my english but if I write in spanish i'll die

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Ocd having me at the clutches and I wanna escape but I'm so scared of loosing compulsions and habits I've had for so long.

One of my biggest compulsions that I'd do sometimes since 13 is going to google/quora/reddit to "be prepared" for the scary situations i "could" go through (me just seeking reassurance by searching solutions for my intrusive thoughts). Whether its health anxiety or fear of me doing those morally wrong things, I will go to search what to do or how to prevent it. It didn't become a problem or chronic until early last year (2023), now I'm having a hard time preventing myself from searching the simplest shit and I feel embarrassed and crazy.

- (Example)

Me: *Brain plays long detailed scenario where I am with friends, I'm so happy, going places like the mall and feeling safe to be myself then suddenly I'm hated by them, or they laugh at me, or they find out my mistakes or the things I feel horrible about from my past. Or maybe it will just be me yelling and treating my friends/mutuals like shit and ruining the love I have* (this will play over and over again in my head as I try to tell myself its all fake and negative, that it wouldn't happen and that if it did who cares cause its not happening at the moment. Telling myself that I would never treat my friends bad because I would never want to hurt anybody.)

Me: *goes to google and searches "what should I do if my friends abandon me at a mall?", "how to tell if im being a burden to my friends", "how to tell if my friend is pretending to like me?" "How to tell my friends about my mental health without coming across as trauma dumping"* (A process which is not only exhausting but very repetitive. I will search these things to reassure myself and be prepared and see other experiences online for if it happens to me I can be "safe". It can be any topic and I will search and go on quora, it can take hours of my days. Days in a row I'll research the same shit and keep reading the same answered responses on quora hoping that I'll somehow find the answers I seek, to just end my anxiety and doubts but it never happens. I only found out a couple weeks ago that this was a compulsion and I've been working so hard on it but I'm scared to let it go cause the fear of the unknown is too much for me, I'm used to reading the things online and searching stuff....I'm trying so hard to just go cold turkey on it, but I'm scared I'll miss it too much or that somehow something bad will happen. The joy of ocd -_- This disorder is hell but I want to take my life back, living with this for slightly over a decade has not been fun and I rather have the pain of treatment then continue the suffering of endless reassurance seeking.)

I know my friends love me and that I overthink due to trauma responses and ocd, its terrifying to be uncertain in life....I know its not easy for anyone but having a disorder that eats at me, convincing me that im a horrible person or crazy is genuine hell. I do my best to not seek reassurance from friends because its not their fault my brain works like this, I don't want people thinking I don't have trust in them...I really do love my friends deeply, I'm just afraid of being hurt and its so stupid cause I've never been given any reasons to feel this way in any of my current friendships but the memories of past friendships makes my mind obsess over being certain on everything when life doesn't work like that. I do my best to be mindful and tell myself "how did they act when we last spoke?, did they seem upset? No?.... then everything is fine", I will look at old memories and messages to remind myself that its all okay and that I need to trust my own judgment more instead of my intrusive thoughts, because they are not me!

Anyway yeaaa its late but I can't sleep cause my brain just wants to keep researching how to fix problems instead of accept the uncertainty. I know someday I'll get better and not struggle with this as much but for now I am taking it one day at a time hoping that nobody grows tired of me, my trauma responses, and ocd.

I'm proud i can be where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like alot but compared to 2022 I'm better at knowing when scenarios are fake (yes....I used to genuinely think I was hated or being annoying because of my thoughts in 2022 and would obsessively ask the person as a form of seeking reassurance).

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #actually ocd #ocd thoughts #living with ocd #living with cptsd #neurodivergent #mix of c-ptsd in there too 🤭 (silly) #just ranting a bit but wanted to share what was on my mind. its hard to be vulnerable especially when it comes to my ocd fears but part of- #-exposing myself like this in a public setting helps me analyze my irrational ocd thoughts and hopefully help others to know they are NOT- #-alone. anyway ily mwah mwah /p #(p.s if i misspelled words ignore that....its abt to be 2am and my mind is a bit static-y rn)

[jupiterseemsnice]

oops its me again

I literally posted one thing on here then bounced apparently lol.

i fell down the rabbit hole of depression again oh man.

living with depression is so crazy because internally your telling yourself you need to get up and do things and its like your body is on vacation. I hate being the way I am. all messed up in the brain. I have good days I really do but sometimes the bad out weigh the good. which is so stupid because my life is a blip on the radar compared to a lot and I do mean a lot of other peoples struggles. And some people are literally dying right now and I'm posted up in my bed upset because of some chemical imbalance.

Now I'm not shitting on mental health because it is real I.e me, but its foreal wack. like its like an out of body experience when someone with a PHd tells me I have something wrong with me I'm like welp lol.

i just cant believe all of my life choices have led me to where I am now in life. Im 28, unemployed at the moment, No education like shit man I didn't even graduate highschool. Truthfully I wish just for one single day I can go back in time to slap the shit out of my 14 year old self and tell her to get her shit together. My school days consisted of boys and friends who weren't really my friends and gaucho pants. I'm not even kidding I am not even friends with the people I spent the entirety of my pre pubescent life with. My childhood bestfriends are just facebook friends, I cant even remember the names of the boys I used to chase around at recess. Then in highschool I was more concerned about older boys and what I was gonna wear to the school dances,which I wish the fashion in 2012 weren't so well I guess now they're an "aesthetic" vibe for kids today. Yikes.

BUT I will always hold onto my skinny jeans till the day I die lol.

finally killed off the side bangs when I was 22.

I finally took the initiative to go back to school though. signed up for classes cause 10 years out of highschool I've learned I've retained nothing except for stuff that isn't going to take me anywhere. like PEMDAS. did anyone else learn it as " please excuse my dear aunt sally"? or did I just grow up weird. even though I know what it means and can tell you what it stands for, if you put a problem Infront of me using that formula I'd look at you like a deer in the headlights.

I doubt anyone will ever read this but if by some chance you do... I cant promise its gonna get better, but you have to fight the battle more then once to win it. So keep fighting, keep loving, and never accept less then what you deserve. truly, I know trust me I know its easier said then done, but the universe needs you.

I really do be rambling on here lol.

its nice to get the internal thoughts...external? lmao.

I'm trying to find joy in the things I used to love.

I started reading again, I haven't gotten very far in the book I just got but I'm gonna get there. have been finally giving myself a proper bedroom. when I moved into my apartment the only thing I had for my room was a bed. now I got a big girl bed frame AND a new mattress oh and I replaced this giant desk I bought off market place for $30 dollars with a smaller one, more simple. and I got fairy lights for my curtains and today I bought a led salt lamp. very vibey in here. even as I'm dumping all this into endless typing I have lofi playing in the background. I hope oneday I can just breathe without a heaping pile of bullshit on my imaginary plate. fingers crossed.

I love you.<3

#mental health #blog #inner thoughts #talking #random

[kath-artic]

i made a post about this exact thing a while ago but i cant find it so im talking about it again bc im trying to organize my thoughts on the matter

i suppose i must be privileged to be able to think this, but i'm coming to realize how much people self identifying as my best friend disturbs me. its not an issue i have with the concept of best friends--i had plenty growing up and them calling me their best friend was never anything but a source of joy and pride--but rather the way the term has been twisted in recent years. the last few people to self identify as my best friend have all approached it with tremendous anxiety. they built me up into a concept and became possessive over it. they feared losing me because their self image relied on me. and i always disappointed them. i used to be like that, but since i've started to really find myself i've found so much beauty in relationships that are defined by brief periods of intense closeness and comfortable periods of distance. i love when mystery blurs into familiarity. it scares me when people tell me how much i mean to them and they look at me and i can tell that what they're really looking at is some constructed idea of me they've become obsessed with keeping around. not that i'll ever leave, but i certainly will stray and wander. i find my way back to people in time, but it worries me when time is something people are anxious to give.

idk. i've been thinking about people as cups a lot recently. i think we are all more full than we give ourselves credit for, but sometimes it takes us a while to realize just how much juice we can really squeeze out of our experiences. there are people i've met who are so clearly full that they continuously spill out over the sides and never seem to get any emptier. they seem truly bottomless. and then there are people who seem so nervous that they dont have enough that they tip themselves over and spill all their contents just to prove that they're somebody. i want so badly for these people to find peace within themselves and i know that i was like this for a long time, but i think that in order for me to want to be around someone very often and very closely, they need to be someone i can swim around in.

i think the bottom line is that people like that deserve better than me. i know what i can provide people and i know the points at which i become useless. even as i type this now i can't help but realize that this is almost verbatim something my ex said to me. i viewed him as one of those bottomless people and i myself was constantly spilling my guts in the hopes that he'd see some value, some substance, in me. he did, of course, and he tried so hard to help me find it, but i know it scared him. he would always tell me i deserved better and that the kind of help he could provide was not the kind i was ever going to be satisfied with. it's funny how we've continued to grow along the same lines even when we're apart.

[snow-and-saltea]

hummm. im just shooting into the dark with no expectation that anyone will actually answer me, but this is something ive been sitting on a bit.

usually when i experience something disturbing or traumatising or smth puts me in extreme grief, i don't talk to anyone about it. that's usually the default until me-on-therapy reminds me that, actually, you need to talk to people about these things, you need to let people know what you look like and how you feel.

but im confused. do i reach out to people as im experiencing them? bc on one hand i think that's bad bc im just putting this weight on them, knowingly, because i cant handle it myself. but on the other hand, when im left alone long enough, i can figure out the "answers" or reaffirm myself somewhat. or at least enough to keep myself manageable.

but like as i start to think about all the times i kept to myself to find the answers for myself... i realised that it wasn't smth i did naturally, it was just something i had to do to get by. a lot of my issues started with not being able to talk to someone about things and because i am and feel so alone in experiencing grief and sadness and anger, that in itself becomes a sort of "trigger" as well.

im just confused i guess. this might be a chicken or the egg first situation. im not sure if i was just predisposed to solve my own problems (and that in itself caused other accidental problems) or i was just forced to solve my own problems, and bc of doing it more, was able to get better at it even though it wasn't my natural inclination. but the answer is prolly somewhere in the middle; i am someone predisposed to try to figure things out on my own in my head both because it was convenient for me (didnt have to confront the fear of asking for help) and because it came naturally (not good at asking for help so i got better at it on my own).

i know that i'm very much an introvert though, which i feel confident in saying. even in positive or neutral times, i liked engaging with the outside world (Doing Stuff, talking w people etc), but i had no problem just absorbing things by reading or watching stuff and staying in my head about them. i'm trying to break out of my shell more about sharing myself w others to be friendly and create Good Vibes / encourage honesty and transparency w others (bc its important to me). but other than that, i don't have much of a desire for attention as a person, and i really like privacy as much as i'm allowed to have.

i do let my walls(?) down consciously when the situation necessitates, but it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to talk about myself, just because i like to flow along w the conversation getting to know others instead (but i realise that's hypocritical of me to only take in information and not give them out, so i try to make conscious effort towards that end). i've also been realising and discovering the small joys and fears that comes when someone sees you, in any shape or form, and how... energetic it makes me. the thought that someone thinks of me even when i am not there makes me tear up. the thought that i have people i might never meet wish me well makes me tear up, too. the thought that i could hurt and be hurt by these people makes me scared. but its all one and the same, so i try to welcome it all equally. only welcoming good times while chasing off bad ones makes for fair weather friends, which is definitely not what i want to be.

hummmm. im not sure where this thought leads me for now, but ill end this here and come back to it if ever. thank you to anyone who decides to read my rambling

#yuu rambles #i remember in my last therapy session we were talking about staying present and stuff #and i was like i think i do do that sometimes (remind myself that im safe nothing bad or good is happening) #like when im in a car w my parents and then Visions cloud my mind of bad things happening #and i have to mentally reassure myself that its okay nothing bad is happening you're alright #and she was like yeah thats your trauma #and i was like ah........... and started tearing up #o(-(((( i thought ive grown a bit. or changed. maybe it was more illusory than i thought. #lies down #therapy stuff