#im really not funny and i would apologize but its god's fault that i continue to exisit in the world | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

summoner-kentauris · 3 years

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im not editnig this because its 1 am and i have to work tomorrow suffice to say it almost certainly got errors

i would call this emotional h/c ish territory. people having messy problems but coming out of it okay. alfonse dealing/not dealing with his hel curse. al and zash dealing with the fact that no one wrote him lettterrrrrrssss. no one was more surprised than me to find this one ends positively

Alfonse Gustavsvin, First Sword of the Order of Heroes and Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Askr has made some serious mistakes in his life.

Not the kind of mistakes his father would have called mistakes. Not the little things he’d once dragged himself over the coals for. Those things that Kiran calls “healing” to forget.

No, he’s his own man now, or at least he’s trying to be, and in that vein he can admit that he, himself, has made mistakes. Little ones, like sneaking away to practice, when he should have been balancing books, and causing a few hours headache for Anna when she had to do it late at night. Normal ones, like letting Kiran fly the Aether castle. He’s even made some big ones.

He’s not sure what category to class forgetting to tell Zacharias about that tiny small thing with Hel and all that.

He doesn’t even realize he’s made said mistake until he’s face to face with Zacharias again, and Zash is bleeding from a nasty cut on his head, and his shirt is torn and he’s sweating and wincing and grabbing a rib and begging the Order to help his sister-

That’s when it hits. He didn’t tell Zacharias. By the level of desperation in his voice, no one had.

Alfonse finds he doesn’t curse very often unless its around Zacharias, and he really has to work hard at it then, because, well, shit.

He tries to break the news as diplomatically as he can.

He can recognize Zacharias by his lance work alone.

He doesn’t need to see Zacharias’ eyes to read heartbreak.

He’s not surprised that Zacharias doesn't seek out the healers that night. He’s seen the what Bunrun- Spring Bruno can do with a staff. Fuck. Another thing Zacharias doesn’t know.

Focus on breaking the news about an amnesiac bunny summon version of him later.

Death first.

Zacharias sits, peculiarly still, as far away from camp as he can get. The cut on his head looks better than it had looked, which is nonetheless worse than it ought to. He doesn’t touch Zacharias. He believes him about the curse, really, he does, even if often his heart doesn’t want to. Wants him back.

“I’m sorry,” he says, because if there’s one thing thinking you were gonna die in nine days did for you, it was help you be a little less equivocating. “I should have told you.”

“You were busy,” Zacharias says, simply, without looking over at him. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”

You were busy, meaning, someone had told him the whole story before Alfonse had got to him. You were busy,meaning, Zacharias is always making up a narrative in his head. There’s nothing to apologize for, meaning, inevitably Zash is writing himself out of that narrative. Again.

Alfonse sighs.

“What were you told?” he says, in lieu of anything better.

“It matters not.” Zacharias goes to rise. “I must-”

“Sit down, Zach,” he says, maybe with more force and less weariness than he thought, because Zacharias does immediately. He almost looks surprised. It would be funny, if Alfonse wasn’t so tired.

“When all this is over,” he says, without thinking, “I’m going with you.”

Zacharias turns and stares at Alfonse through his mask for a long, long moment.

“What?”

He can’t match his stare. Not with the mask on. Not when something that hurts and stretches is unfolding itself, like a spine clicking.

So he doesn’t. The heavy night is deep. It looks endless, but only because its so dark. There’s no way to see a beginning, so there’s certainly no way to see an end.

Zacharias makes a huffing sound. “You can’t come with me. Alfonse, you can’t, I- the curse alone.”

“Nine days.” The voice doesn’t sound like his own. “Nine days.”

Zacharias falls silent. Alfonse feels silent, too, except he’s talking, so he can’t be. He’s moving his hands, so he must still be here.

“I didn’t want to see you,” he says. “So I didn’t tell you.”

Fool that he is, he doesn’t realize its true until he’s saying it. Until its real and invisible in the night air.

Zacharias sucks in a breath, but doesn’t say anything.

“I wanted to think,” he continues, “that I didn’t want you to see me like that. But it’s not true, is it? I didn’t want to see you, to see you and know you were-”

He cuts himself off when he realizes what he means to say. But, there are mistakes, and then there are mistakes.

And he misses his friend.

“…right,” he finishes. “Curses can be solved by death.”

“I know,” Zacharias says, after a beat. His tone is calm, even. “I’ve known that for some time. You know I believe that. So, then… what’s truly troubling you?”

“It’s funny, right?” That’s answer enough, right? “Nine days and all I could think about was how I didn’t want you to show me up.”

“Mm hm,” Zacharias mms. “And the truth, this time?”

Alfonse snorts. “What makes you think that’s not?”

If Zacharias cracks a smile, Alfonse chooses not to notice it out of the corner of his eye. None of this is funny.

“You’re clenching your left hand, where you usually hold your shield. I thought you’d broken that tell?”

He does laugh at that. His laugh doesn’t sound right. It sounds hurt. Why is he the hurt one?

“This isn’t… this isn’t funny,” he tries.

He’s not prepared for Zacharias to lightly reach out to touch his face. He’s not prepared to notice, suddenly, the tears that have begun making their way from his own eyes. He’s not prepared for feeling like someone has shoved Fólkvangr through his heart.

“I don’t understand,” he says. “Why am I… why am I crying?”

“Oh, Alse,” Zacharias says, and then nothing else. He’s too busy pulling Alfonse into his arms, hugging him tightly, pulling his head close and holding him.

Alfonse doesn’t know why he’s crying. He doesn’t know why he can’t stop.

“I don’t… I don’t...”

Zacharias doesn’t say anything. Not when Alfonse starts making choking ugly crying sounds, not when Kiran and Sharena show up in a panic and he waves them off. Not when Alfonse finally beings to quiet into something he can pretend isn’t weeping.

Zacharias is quiet for a long, long time, until there is only the sounds of distant camp, and restless insects.

“Did you kill it?”

It takes Alfonse a moment to realize where he is, that someone is speaking, that it’s Zacharias who’s speaking.

“Hel?” he adds.

Alfonse carefully works his way out of Zacharias’ arms. It’s so cold in the night, but… “I… yes.”

“Good.”

Mistakes he’s made, that he keeps on making. He wishes he could go back. It’s so cold in the night.

“We were supposed to be together. It was supposed to be Embla, supposed to be together-”

“Aren’t we?”

The interruption throws Alfonse for a second. He swivels to look at Zacharias. Masked as always. And yet, Alfonse can feel Zacharias’ eyes on him.

“Aren’t we what?”

“Together. You and I. You’re here. I’m here. We’re here. That counts, doesn’t it?”

It’s like the earlier not-crying has wrung all the words out of him. “I...”

“I’ve learned a lot, being away,” Zacharias says. He looks back out across the night. “Very little has been useful, I think. Some of it, though… Does it matter?”

He turns back to face Alfonse abruptly. “Does it matter? That you didn’t tell me? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t. I’m so ill of it, so… does it matter? Can I choose to let it go?”

“I...” Alfonse doesn’t like feeling dizzy. Doesn't like feeling cold. Wishes someone was hugging him again. Wishes it was Zacharias. “It’s not that simple, I…”

“There’s too much complicated in the world, Alse. There’s so, so much of it. I… know not what deserve is, or what right is, but I find myself wanting to ask all the same: can we be simple again? Let’s be easy. Let’s let it all go and just…”

“I didn’t write you.”

“And I wasn’t there,” he counters. “And next time, something will happen and you’ll run off without me and it will be the end of the world, and I won’t be there and you didn’t tell me. You hurt, I hurt, none of it’s our fault. So hang it all. It’s been a decade. If neither of us is going to change, do you really think our feelings will?”

“I thought I was going to die,” Alfonse says. His voice sounds small. He can’t bring himself to hate it. “I thought I would never see you again. So I though it would be easier to just accept it.”

“That doesn’t sound like a man who stood in a bunny costume and promised to kill a god for me, now does it.”

A spark of an emotion that’s not empty despair.

“This- this isn’t funny!”

Zacharias smiles a bit. “Apologies. My sense of humor has been warped by the voice in my head, you know, the one that regularly demands I disembowel everyone I’ve ever loved.”

He can’t stand this cold. “Hold me, please.”

And Zacharias does, without a pause.

He falls into a running a hand through Alfonse’s hair. It’s soothing, in a way Alfonse hasn’t felt in a long time.

Maybe ever.

“It truly isn’t that simple, is it?”

Zacharias talks to the open air. Alfonse doesn’t want to leave the warm he’s found in order to look at him, so he doesn’t.

“No,” he agrees. “It isn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Zacharias says. His hand doesn’t falter in Alfonse’s hair. “I’m sorry I can’t be there.”

“Me too.”

That’s pretty simple, Alfonse thinks as they sit there. Two people, being sorry that they can’t properly care for the person they care about. None of it really their fault at the end of the day.

“Alright,” he says, suddenly. “We’ll let it go.”

“Mm?”

He leans up. He untangles himself.

“You’re right,” he repeats. “I promised we’d kill gods together. But, if we’re going to be defiant, well… oughtn’t we do it right?”

Zacharias tilts his head. “What?”

“I was so afraid,” he says, simply. “No more. Damn the gods. I chose you.”

Zacharias’ smile flickers, then settles into something softer and more familiar. “And if we fail?”

“Hm.” Alfonse settles back into Zacharias arms, it feels different, somehow. Less like running. “Well, we’re still young, you and I. Plenty of time to make some interesting mistakes.”

At that, Zacharias genuinely laughs, and then relaxes. He goes back to fiddling with Alfonse’s hair, and, frankly-

Frankly, he’s had a shit day, but in that moment he’s never felt better.

#my wips

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mydemimonde · 5 years

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challenge accepted | b.h

warnings: smut at its finest

word count: 1000+

Although she knows my days are past the best,

Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue

You were laying on bed, reading a poem book you bought on the local library a few blocks away from the apartment you shared with Ben, mug of hot coffee in your hand. You felt the side of your bed sink, Ben's body pressing slightly against yours. He placed his hand on your thigh, caressed it softly and started peppering kisses on your neck.

“Ben” you moved your head away, hoping he’ll get the sign.

“Come on babe. I miss you”

You smiled. “I’m right here” you replied, eyes still on the book.

“I don’t mean it in that way…” he whispered in your ear and bit your earlobe slightly. That sent shivers down your spine, but you were so invested in the book that you weren’t in the mood. You ignored him and kept reading the poem, he continued his assault on your neck and when you weren’t reciprocating, he started touching your boobs.

“Ben!” you protested. “What do you want?”

“I want to fuck!”

“Wow. Subtle. Truly a gentleman” you rolled your eyes.

“Y/N please, we haven’t had sex in weeks”

“That’s a lie, and you know it! We had sex like three days ago”

“That’s a lot!” he complained like a 5-year old boy; he was almost pouting. “Please, love. I’m gonna be away in two weeks”

“Ben, you know how much I love you and I really enjoy having sex with you, but this book is amazing. Can’t you just wait a little till I finish it?”

He looked at the ceiling, eyes squinted as if he was thinking deeply. He smirked and looked back at you. “How about a challenge?”

“Challenge?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“You read this damn book while I fuck you”

You chuckled. “Are you high or something?”

“Sounds funny, huh? Seeing how long you can last reading a book while I take you?”

“It sounds silly!”

“Oh, I get it, I know what it is… my girlfriend is a chicken” he teased.

“Shut up Hardy” you softly hit his shoulder.

“Poor baby is afraid of losing” he mocked at you, tickling you a little.

“Okay, okay! Stop!” you begged while laughing. “Challenge accepted”

His eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yes, let’s do it. If I win, you have to give me a full spa day”

“I accept your conditions. If I win, we have a sex marathon”

“Oh my God…” you chuckled. “I accept”

“Let’s do this”

He took off his shirt, tossing it to the side of the bed. He turned to you and attacked your mouth, shoving his tongue too. You felt his crotch against your thigh. Boy, he’s horny. You kissed him back and started unzipping his jeans, palming him through his boxers. He moaned in your mouth and immediately attacked your neck while you smartly took his pants off.

“You are the death of me babe” he whispered while taking your blouse off, setting your boobs free. Suddenly you felt a little self-conscious. Your boobs weren’t as big as you would want to. But Ben, being the gentleman he is, made you feel confident every time you made love. He kissed and massaged your chest, making eye contact with you and making you feel loved and appreciated.

He removed your panties as fast as he could, almost ripping them off. He flipped you over in a matter of seconds and peppered kisses all over your back. “I’m not hearing you read”. Oh shit. You totally forgot about that. You took the book in your hands and started looking for the page.

“Love sonnet 147. My love is as a fever, longing still, for that which longer nur- fuck!” you screamed as he entered you completely, making you almost drop the book. He stayed still, caressing your back and letting out a sigh. You took a deep breath and continued reading, he started moving. “Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill, th' uncertain sickly appetite to please. My reason, the physician to my love…” it was hard for you to concentrate on the poem, he was fucking you so good. Yet you wanted to win this challenge, so you did your best to read the whole thing. His hands gripped your waist, you gripped the book harder and continued.

“Desire is death, which physic did except. Past cure I am, now reason is past care- oh my God!” you moaned while his finger started stimulating your clit. You closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of his finger on you.

“What happened to Shakespeare, huh?” he half-moaned and you swore you could hear him smiling. Fucking bastard.

“And frantic-mad with evermore unrest; My thoughts and my discourse as mad men's are, at random from the truth vainly expressed.” He sped up and his pressure on your clit increased. “Oh, fuck this shit” you threw your book to the side of your bed and decided that the spa didn’t matter anymore. “Pull my hair” you commanded, and he obliged. “Hmm, yes daddy” you bit your lip as he groaned, that always get him going.

“Shit stop doing that or I’ll cum” he grunted when he felt your walls clench around him.

“What, this?” you teased and did it again. He slapped your ass and you had to grasp the sheets. “Harder” you begged, and he started thrusting you harder than before. “Spank me harder Ben”

“Are you sure?” he asked a little worried.

“Yes, I’m not gonna break” you assured him, and he spanked you harder. You’d have to apologize to your neighbours tomorrow because of how loud you screamed.

“You’re so tight babe. You’re taking me so good” his hand on your neck, almost choking you, the sound of skin slapping skin and his hard thrusts combined were getting you to your orgasm. “Come on, cum over my dick” you came and collapsed on his dick, letting out a high-pitched scream. He followed seconds after with a moan of your name, staying there for a minute trying to catch his breath. He pulled out of you carefully and left kisses all over your back. He massaged your legs because of how shaky they were and put his arms around you, pulling you into his embrace. “Are you okay?”

Still a little high from that amazing orgasm he gave you, you smiled and hugged him closer. “Yes honey” you kissed his chest and then looked at him: he had that soft smile he always has whenever he’s looking at you. And you felt the luckiest girl in the world. “I’m so lucky to have you with me”

“No, I’m the lucky one. I love you”. He kissed your temple for a while. “Now, let’s talk about my prize”

“And of course you had to ruin this beautiful moment, huh?"

“Not my fault you lost the bet!”

a/n: this wasn't as dirty as i wanted it to be, but im planning on writing something about the sex marathon ben proposed here 👀 what do you think?

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy smut #ben hardy x reader #smut #borhap cast #bohemian rhapsody cast

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rvnjun · 5 years

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nct 127 reacts | gf overhears them call her clingy

request: Hiii! Can I request something where the 127 calls the gf clingy (but she overheard it) and she distances herself , barely talking to them and they don’t know why?:) warnings: angst? authors note: sorry this took so long babydoll and I changed up the req a bit! Feedback and reblogs are very appreciated

T a e i l

Taeil stared at your figure on the couch, your hands tightly curled around the remote and your eyes glued to the movie on the television. Something was wrong but he couldnt put his finger on it. He knew that there was something different about you but he didn't know what. “Y/n?” he called out, awaiting your response. You didn't even him spare him a glance as you mumbled a ‘huh’. “Are,,,aren't you gonna come and greet me?” he asked, voice wavering. Taeil hated how he sounded but he finally realized what was causing him a bother, you hadn't been greeting him when he arrived home anymore. “What's wrong?” he asked right after realizing what was the problem. Normally you were the type of person to not just burst out your emotions like that but before you could collect yourself, the tears were already dripping down your cheeks. “I,,I,,I-” you stopped for a second to collect your breath “-I overheard what you told Taeyong and im sorry for being so clingy.” Taeils eyes wavered at your words “Baby I didnt mean it like that,,Im sorry that I made you feel that way. I love how clingy you are, it shows me how much you love me,” Taeil softly spoke, pulling you in for a gentle hug.

T a e y o n g

Taeyong loved how clingy you could be, some days he wanted nothing more than to be in your arms. Afterall, it wasn't easy being the tough and strong leader of over 16 wild boys. Your arms were a safe haven, the one place we he truly felt like he could relax and not have to worry about anything. However, when Taeyong was truly feeling stressed he would take the anger and worries out on things that didn't make him angry. Which is how he ended up in the situation he was in. Tears burning your cheeks and eyes red and puffy. Your arms were tightly crossed around your chest as you struggled to get the words out. Taeyong hated seeing you this way and it pained him even more to know that it was his fault. “Y/n what you overheard was a private conversation with Johnny that I said under an enormous amount of stress and it wasn't true,” he calmly explained. Your tears momentarily halted as you brokenly asked “Are you sure?” in reassurance. Taeyong didn't say anything but open his arms for you. Immediately you ran to his arms as he tightly held you “I'm so sorry, Y/n.”

J o h n n y

Johnny sighed as he rubbed his temples. There was so much going on his life and he just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle with you. But you were angry with him and he couldn't figure out why. Between you and work he felt like he was being torn apart. Sighing heavily he looked up at you “Y/n I need you to tell me what's wrong otherwise I can't do anything about it,” Johnny stated trying to help the situation. “Im just being less clingy, that's what you wanted, right?’ you asked in a slightly sarcastic tone of voice. Johnny's brows furrowed as he racked his brain for answers, why would you think,,,,,Mark. “What did Mark tell you?” his anger was bubbling a little more. “Mark didn't tell me anything. I went to the dorms to drop off some stuff that you left when I heard you tell him I was annoyingly clingy so I left,” you explained the situation. “Y/n I,,I guess I didn't realize how much I love your clinginess until you stopped in. Im sorry,” he sighed while the weight finally lifted from your shoulders. You smiled and opened your arms, missing giving your giant teddy bear of a boyfriend hugs.

Y u t a

He stared out the window with a blank look on his face. The image of your sadden expression burning into his mind. It was his fault, really. You guys got into a pretty bad fight and he was just upset over that. While ranting to Sicheng about you and the whole ordeal he said that you were “overly clingy to the point it was creepy.” What he did not expect was for you to go to the practice room to apologize for the fight, overhearing the comments he made. Your face shown pure agony, his heart breaking more every millisecond. Regret. He felt regret that he didn't run after you to explain himself. “Im creepy,,huh?” your voice sounded shattered as you spoke with seemingly no emotion. “Y/n,,I didn't mean it like that I was just upset. You're not creepy and I don't know why I even said that,” Yuta said, now the one crying.”I mean at the time I meant it but now that i've calmed down I don't,,,can you please forgive me?” Yuta added hopelessly. Your whole body felt tired and like you'd spent the past hours running miles. You knew Yuta, that sometimes he said things he didn't mean. Almost like you were being pulled to him you wrapped your arms around his sitting figure, his head resting in your chest. “Im glad you dont care that i'm clingy”

D o y o u n g

Doyoung stared at the menu as he continued to talk about his relationship. He confided in Taeyong with private and personal problems, and trusted his advice. Sat at a table a few rows back your grip on the glass began to tighten the more he spoke. Sitting across from you, your dear friend watch with a saddened expression. “I thought things between you both were going good?,” she questioned, voice laced with obvious confusion. You didn’t say anything but placed some money on the table and sat up to leave. You couldn’t bare to stay there any longer, hearing the things Doyoung was saying about you was really hurting you. Once you arrived at your shared apartment you laid in bed and quietly wept. After a few hours your phone lit up showing that Doyoung was calling. Rolling to your side you ignored it, not wanting to talk to him just yet. A few more hours had passed when Doyoung barges into the apartment, confused and worried as to why you never answered his calls. “Y/n?,” he called our softly, carefully pushing the bedroom door open. Even in the dark room he could make out your silhouette in the bed. “Hey what’s wrong?,” he asked already knowing something was up. Despite wanting to yell at him you turned over and looked him dead in the eyes “Why are you being so clingy?” Was what you had asked with ill intentions. Immediately he understood your reasons behind not answering the phone. “You weren't supposed to hear that,” he simply said. You felt the bed dip as he took a seat upon the comfy thing. “Yeah and what else haven't I heard that I wasn't supposed to? What else have you been saying?” Doyoung could tell you were rightfully upset. “Y/n,,I,,I did mean it when I say you're clingy, but If I had a problem with it wouldn't I have told you? Im a straight up person,” Doyoung confessed, hands reaching over towards your figure. It was silent for a moment as you processed his words. Sighing heavily you rolled to face him “Do you promise that it doesn't bother you severely?’ you questioned earning a nod from Doyoung. He leaned down a placed a gentle kiss on your cheek “I mean it.”

J a e h y u n

He always got a little ancy with the interviewers starts asking questions about their dating life. Its a question every idol dreads to hear but has to sit through anyway. Jaehyun, he is always tried to make a joke of it. He may have made it funny for all his fans but all his joke did was hurt the person he cared most about, you. You haven't been answering his texts or calls since the day that video went up. He pulled the mask tighter over his face and rushed to your apartment. Technically he wasn't supposed to leave the dorm today but he wanted to see your face. “Y/n,” he called out while banging on your door. “Y/n,,please open the door,” he said with more desperation. You slowly walked to the door,,feet stopping at the edge as you stared at it. “I know what i said hurt you and im sorry about that,” Jaehyun added, not even sure if you were there. Pressing your back against the door you slid down, Jaehyun doing the same on the other side. “I shouldn't have said that gf who is clingy would be the worst, because for me, a gf who is clingy is the best. A gf who is clingy is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Jaehyuns voice sounded broken. He needed to see your face, he needed to hug you and make sure everything was okay. The second he heard the sound of the door unlock his heart raced with excitement. You opened the door and pulled him in for a hug. Jaehyun tightly squeezed back and placed kisses on the top of your head. “Oh my god I missed you so much,” he said while bending down to place a kiss on your lips

W i n w i n

Winwin wasnt the type of person to be honest with his emotions but you could always read what he was thinking. “Y/n,,I didnt mean to call you clingy,,yes sometimes you a get a little attached but the only times it bothers me is when im already in a bad mood,” Winwin quietly explained. He felt upset with himself for ever saying those things about you when he knew that they were some of the things he loved the most. You wiped the tears from your eyes using the paws on your sweater. “Are you sure?” you questioned, unsure if he was being truthful. You could tell in the way he looked and in the way he was acting that something was bothering him. Winwin then did something that took you by surprise, he was never one to initiate romantic things first, it was always you. Reaching out, Winwin grabbed you by your waist and pulled your body flush against his. He looked into your eyes with an intense emotion before slowly leaning down and pressing a kiss to your lips, his tongue teasingly darting out. You two stayed like that a few seconds longer than you should have but when he pulled away you were flushed and out of breath. “I really do mean my apology, Y/n. I love you,” he quietly said, seemingly embarrassed with his previous actions.

J u n g w o o

Jungwoo stared at you for a few seconds, he brain racking over everything that had happened. “Why,,why are we breaking up I thought everything was fine?” he asked, tears already flowing like a hydrant. Seeing his broken face broke you even more. Your voice, barely above a whisper, finally came out “Because our communication isn't the best,,and no good relationship has bad communication.” Jungwoo hands grasped out for your wrist holding you in place and not letting you leave. “What should we tell eachother then? Y/n I cant have you go, you're the only thing that's holding me together right now,,please,” his voice cracked and he looked shattered. Your chest heaved up and down as loud sobs erupted from you. “I accidentally read your texts and I saw you tell Lucas I was clingy,,” you confessed, convinced that he would want to break up then. “That's what this is all about? Goodness Y/n you should've talked to me first. Yes you get clingy but tis not a serous issues, what's a serious issue is how hot you eat your food,” Jungwoo cracked a joke. Your tears fell even harder as you pulled him in for a hug. “I'm so sorry for ever suggesting it I should've talked to you first,” you cried like a little baby in his arms. Jungwoo swayed side to side, holding you tightly and cherishing every second of it.

M a r k

You often read over Marks lyrics, whether they were going to be used or nt you loved to read them. It always felt like you got a insight into what was really going on in that Canadians head. Your fingers flipped the page as you started on the next song. “Cling to me” was the title as you guessed since it was written sloppily at the top. Some of the words were smeared due to something having been spilt on it but you did your best to read it anyway. At first ti seemed like a light hearted song but as the lyrics progressed you realized it was about you. A song about how loving it was at first to have someone cling to you only for it to be over bearing and annoying. The door opened as Mark walked in, his eyes skimmed the room only to see you reading his journal. “Oh, I haven’t been writing lately,” he said, plopping down next to you. When you didn’t respond right away Mark noticed that you looked distraught. “y/n?” he questioned before his eyes slowly moved to the page. He felt his heart drop momentarily before his hand darted out to cover the page. “Don’t continue reading this, before you saying anything let me explain. I wrote this after our last fight and I was angry,,I didn't mean it. Flip the page,” Mark instructed while flipping the page for you seeing as you wouldn't listen. “I wrote this he next day after seeing what I wrote the previous night, I didn't mean to write those things, Y/n.” Holding back tears and wanting to listen to him you glanced up at the top “Eyes of an Angel” was the title of this song. Reading the lyrics you let the tears drop. “Eyes of an Angel” was a song about how you always saw him for him and how it was yours eyes that pulled him out of some of his darkest times. About how he was thankful that the first thing he got to see in the morning was your eyes staring back at him. Leaning over he pulled you into a hug and kissed the top of your head “I really should rip that page out,” he mumbled while pulling your lips to his, giving you the sweetest and most gentle kiss he ever had

H a e c h a n

Haechan was a playful spirit, that was something everyone knew. Infact it were his light hearted jokes and his childish teasing that gave him a lot of fans, plus It didn't help that he was incredibly good-looking. Haechan was teasing Mark about how he never lets him hug him or give him kisses. Your feet padded against the ground as you made your way to the dorm, ready to finally drop off Haechans clothes that you stole and promised to return. “Yeah well you know who is really clingy?? Y/n,,sometimes I cant breath when Y/n is in the room-” you stopped in your tracks, dropped his clothes on the ground and spun around on your heels. “clingy,,but,,,Haechan,,with,,he,,me??” you mumbled incoherently to yourself. “-its not like I have a problem with that though, her clinginess is a big reason why I love her,” Haechan finished his sentence, confused as to why Mark was staring behind him funny. “I swear I heard someone,” Mark slowly walked towards the hallway, Haechan not far behind. Peaking over the corner Marks eyebrows went from being knitted in confusion to panic. “Okay Haechan, DON'T PANIC BUT-” Mark was quickly interrupted by the younger bright boy “WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T PANIC?? NOW IM PANICKING WITHOUT KNOWING WHATS WRONG,” the young boy yelled back. “Sorry,,,I uh,,,I think Y/n was here to drop off your clothes but for some reason she dropped them,” Mark directed Haechans line of sight to his clothes on the ground. “Fuck. She probably heard me calling her clingy and left,” Haechan quickly pushed past Mark, pace picking up as he attempted to catch you before you got back on the train. The second her caught sight of your hair, bouncing as you hurriedly walked he couldn't help but scream your name. You froze in place long enough for him to catch up, with his hands on his knees and his favorite hoodie in his hands. “You,,you didnt hear it all,,I called you clingy,,but I also said thats why I,,I love you,,please,,take this back and,,,come back to the dorm,” Haechan said in between heavy pants. “Oh my gosh im so stupid,,sorry Haechan,” you said with a giggle, putting his favorite hoodie on. He stared at you in disbelief for a few seconds before pulling you in for a tight hug. “Its not fair you look better in my stuff than I do.”

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bel0vedmendes · 5 years

Text

What Keeps You Up

Shawn X Reader

Warnings: Kinda spicy at some points (nothing crazy) Super Fluffy. Language.

Description: Written from Shawn & Y/N’s perspective. Inspired by the song What Keeps You Up at Night by Dan + Shay. Shawn and Y/N meet briefly at a party, and from that point forward their drawn to each other. Constantly wondering if its too good to be true, can they make it work?

A/N: I wrote this awhile ago on my previous account, originally I had it separated into 5 parts, I decided to merge them and give it a different ending. I love this, but I've lost all motivation for this story so I made it into one long imagine. Enjoy!

NOT MY GIF

SHAWNS POV

Whenever I came home I tried my hardest to be as normal as possible. I tried to say yes to as many invites as I could. So when I found myself at this random party with a few of my friends, I could only really be mad at myself. I really just wanted to go home. There were a lot of girl trying to get my attention, which normally I would love if I was in the mood. They were all trying to talk to me and I really only came to the party to hang out with my friends, but again, my fault.

I saw her sitting in the corner of the room, her friends were including her in a conversation that she was definitely not interested in. She was really pretty, but she wasn’t trying. I immediately noticed her sweatshirt, It had the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital Logo screen printed on the front. She wore it with ripped skinny jeans and converse. Her face matched mine, she looked like she was regretting her decision to come too. I thought about going and talking to her, but I didn’t really know what to say. Before I could come up with anything I was cornered by a group of girls. I started to talk to them, but they were so ordinary. They all wanted pictures, so I obliged. Then they would try saying things to impress me. which really just annoyed me more. I found myself nodding and half listening to what they were saying and half trying to figure out how the hell to get out of it.

As I was plotting my escape, I felt a soft tug at my hoodie. I turned around, and it was the girl with the Greys sweatshirt.

“Hey, can I borrow you for a second?” She pushes herself in front of the group of girls, she turns to them scrunching her face as she apologizes. “Sorry girls, I really need to talk to him about something important.”

They looked super confused, but they all backed away. I just went with it, “Sorry, guys.” I said as I followed the mystery girl.

She walked out the front door and kept walking, and for whatever reason, I felt compelled to follow her.

She finally stopped and turned around when she reached the street. She smiled at me and then looked behind me, and nodded. Silently telling me no one had followed.

“What… uh… what did you need to tell me?” I scrunched my eyebrows together and pushed my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie.

“Oh…nothing.” She giggled “You just really looked like you needed a breather, and your buddies were not about to leave that beer pong table.” She rambles “ I was on my way out so I thought I could help.” She nodded smiling at me.

I smiled back.

“Uhm, Im Shawn.” I said rubbing the back of my neck.

“I… know that.” She tilted her head, I assume it was her way of calling me an idiot without have to really say it.

“I’m Y/N” she walked towards me and went to shake my hand.

I took it and I think I held onto it a little longer than I should have.

“Well Shawn, it was lovely to meet you, but I have a hot date with my bed.” She giggled as she started to dig for her car keys in her purse. She started to blush, she didn’t seem nervous but maybe she was struggling with what to say too.

“Hmm, you sure you don’t want to stay and talk for a little bit?” I muttered, I wish it sounded as confident as it did in my head.

She smiled and then audibly sighed. I shifted awkwardly, that wasn’t a great sign.

“I do… but, I cant tonight.” She stuttered, she looked like she really did want to.

“Sure, you’ve got that hot date with your bed, I understand.” I smiled at her, not wanting her to feel bad. She laughed, a real belly laugh and it was one of the best things I had heard in awhile. I really liked hearing her laugh.

“I actually have to be at work in…” She paused to look at the time on her phone, her eyes widening as she realized what time it was. “6 hours.” Her face shriveled in disgust.

“Okay well at least let me walk you to your car?” I asked and she nodded as we started to walk down the street.

“What am I going to do about those girls though? My hero is leaving me.”

“You’re a big boy Shawn,” She laughs “But just in case…” She held out her hand my phone, I unlocked it and handed it to her.

I watched her put her name and number in my phone...

She handed it back to me.

“If it gets to crazy, and your boys fail once again. I’m really good at fake phone calls too.” She winked at be before opening the door to her car.

“I owe you.” I nodded to her.

“Yeah… you do.” She smirked at me before closing the door to her car and driving away.

I stood there for awhile just thinking about the last five minutes. I wanted to text her right then and there, but I knew that would look desperate. After that I decided to say goodbye to my friends and head home myself. I was definitely going to text her tomorrow, I needed a plan.

________________________________________________________________

(Y/N) POV

As I drove away from the party, I watched Shawn in my rear view mirror as I drove away. Quickly glancing at my phone in the passengers seat to see if he was the type of guy to text me right away. No text. I figured that’s how it would be.

As I drove, I started to get nervous. What if I fucked up? What if I had one opportunity to make an impression on Shawn and that was it?

I sighed rethinking everything I had said to him. Feeling my cheeks heat up at the fact that I told him I had a date with my bed. Why the fuck did I say that. That’s the lamest shit I’ve ever said in my entire life. He thought it was funny though, right? Im pretty sure he knew I was joking. God I hope he knew I was joking.

I pulled into my apartment complex, parking in the spot that was meant for me. I got out of my car and started to head up to the third floor. Still unable to stop thinking about our interaction.

I felt like I had left him wanting more. I scoffed out loud at the thought. Me… leaving Shawn Mendes wanting more. I played it cool the entire time I was talking to him, when in reality I was overthinking everything I said. The more I thought about the situation the more I realized, that my intention truly was to rescue him from the awkward situation those girls put him in.

I mean, sure, He’s an international rock star and I’m sure he loves the attention most of the time. Tonight, however, It seemed that he really just wanted to be Shawn, not rock star Shawn, and I wanted to give that to him.

As I got into my pajamas and got into bed, I plugged my phone in to charge.

I continue to over analyze everything I said to him, until I heard my phone’s message alert ring from my night stand.

UNKNOWN: Hey, Hero.

I sat up quickly staring at my screen, smiling from ear to ear.

My fingers ghosting the screen debating on texting back, or waiting until the morning. As I debate three periods pop up dancing on the screen, telling me that he had more to say.

UNKNOWN: I’m sure you’re sleeping… but I just wanted to say thank you.

UNKNOWN: I really do owe you. I’d love to take you out.

UNKNOWN: text me tomorrow. xx

My heart was beating so hard, I could hear it. I read the messaged once more, to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I set my phone back onto the nightstand, turning on my side.

I was going to go out with Shawn. I couldn’t believe this.

________________________________________________________________

Y/N POV

I woke up at the unholy hour of 6 am. Reading through the text messages over and over again.

So many different images played out in my head. Where we would go on our first date. If he would kiss me. Would I kiss him? I put all the thoughts aside and decided that I would text him when I left work at noon. I got up and got dressed for work and headed on my way.

Work dragged on. I tried my hardest not to think about him, and what I wanted to say, but it was nearly impossible. I finally left work at 12 on the dot and started to drive home.

I sat down at my kitchen table with my phone in front of me. Typing out a response then quickly deleting it because it wasn’t right. Finally deciding on 3 simple words.

I’d like that.

I sent it. I felt like it should be simple. I watched my phone for a few minutes. Then I decided to take a shower, which turned into me standing under the scolding hot water, wondering if he had responded yet. Once I got out I made a bee line to my phone praying to see a message from him.

UNKNOWN: So, what do you have going on tonight?

I squealed, holy fucking shit, this was not happening. I started to type a response and as I did, he started to say something else.

UNKNOWN: There’s another party tonight, maybe I could pick you up and we could go together?

I sighed, not like I didn’t want to go with him to a party, I just hoped it would be him and I.

Sure, that sounds good. What time should I be ready?

UNKNOWN: 8pm?

I wanted to say.. how about now? I internally groaned thinking about waiting until 8 pm to see him. How anxious I would be the entire day.

Sounds good! :)

I pressed send, wondering if we would keep texting or if he would just wait until tonight. I wondered if he was just as eager as me, or if this was a normal thing for him.

I decided to change his name in my phone, and that was a surreal feeling.

SHAWN: Can’t wait to see you. xx

I sent my phone down, smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt. I wanted to call all of my friends and tell them what was happening. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops!

I didn’t though. Not until I knew for sure what was going on between us.

I decided to take a nap until I had to get up and get ready to leave.

_____________________________________________________

Shawn's POV

I was up around 7 am, walking around my condo aimlessly. I had hoped she would have responded already, but I figured she would wait until a little later.

I went to the gym, played around with my guitar for a few hours, and went to lunch with Brian.

I know she said she had work, but I was really starting to worry that she wasn’t into it. She seemed like she might be last night, but she also really seemed to just be a nice person. Maybe she was just being nice and I was the one being super forward.

Just as I got back home from lunch, my phone went off.

Y/N(your hero): I’d like that.

Oh fuck, okay. So what do I ask her to do, and how soon is too soon. Brian told be about another party tonight, maybe I could take her there so she wouldn’t feel awkward. Or would that make things more awkward?

I decided to ask her to be my date to the party, and she agreed. I relaxed a little because it seemed that she really didn’t care what we did. I told her I would pick her up at 8, and immediately wished I had said an earlier time. I was so anxious to talk to her, to get to know everything about her.

I thought about texting her until I picked her up, but I really wanted to get to know her in person first. I felt like she would appreciate that. So I put my phone away and played on my guitar for a few more hours until I got ready to pick her up.

_______________________________________

Y/N POV

I woke up from my nap way too early. I couldn’t sleep, I was too excited. I decided to do my hair first. I stood in front of the mirror, realizing that it was fine the way it was. My hair was naturally wavy and I really didn’t have the desire to curl it or straighten it. I took my curling wand and put a few waves in a couple strands that weren’t cooperating then sprayed it with a coconut scented styling spray.

I laughed to myself looking at the clock, that literally only took ten minutes. I decided to sit down and do my makeup, once again realizing that this wasn’t something I usually did.

I put on a light foundation, and a little bit of bronzer and blush and some mascara that made my eyelashes look really good. Then I was done. Only 15 minutes.

I decided to watch some Greys Anatomy until 7:30 when I would put my dress on. It was a simple little black dress. It was fitted around my chest and it flared out around my hips. Nothing crazy, I didn’t want to look or act like something I wasn’t. Of course I second guessed myself a million times, wondering if that’s what he wanted me to do.

7:30 rolls around before I know it, and I get a text from Shawn asking for my address. My heart pounding out of my chest as I type it into to little box.

SHAWN: I should be there soon. xx

I quickly text back

Okay, Let me know when you’re here.

I quickly throw on my dress, scrunch my fingers through my hair, and touch up my mascara and lip gloss. He text me as soon as I was sliding my white converse on my feet.

I got into the elevator of my apartment, and as the doors closed. I took a deep breath in. Reminding myself that he was just like me. We were normal, and this was our first date. Just be myself. I walked out of the building, spotting the jeep that was right in front of the main lobby of my apartment. I took one more deep breath and walked towards him, and damn did he look good.

Tight black skinny jeans, boots, and a simple maroon button up. He looked way more dressed up than last night. I silently thanked god I decided on the dress and not something simple like the night before. He smiled at me and I smiled back as he opened up the passenger side door for me.

______________________________________________________

Shawn’s POV:

She looked so good. I couldn’t stop staring at her. She looked like something out of a dream. Her hair was down, flowing around her shoulders with soft waves. I could tell that it was natural. She barely had makeup up on, her eyelashes looked so long, when she would look down they would brush against her cheeks. Her lips were pink like her cheeks, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to kiss them. Her dress, good god, this dress. Simple and black but it hit her in all the right places.

The original plan was to go to a party. So that’s what we’re dressed for, a party. When I picked her up and she started walking to my Jeep, I started to get jealous. She looked so beautiful, there was no way I was sharing this with anyone else. Not tonight, at least.

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way about someone, but there was something different about the way I felt this time around. Ever since I asked her out, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I needed to make sure she couldn’t stop thinking about me too.

I watch her turn the radio volume down, snapping me out of my trance.

I hear her giggle, and I quickly look at her. She’s slightly pivoted in her seat watching me, I smile scrunching my eyebrows together.

“What?” I ask

“Are you... are you good?” She laughs at me.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m good.” It came off a bit cocky, and that’s definitely not how I wanted to sound.

I look at her again and she’s pressing her lips together to keep from laughing I assume.

“Okay. I’m glad you’re good.” She spoke turning forward in her seat.

I nodded.

God why couldn’t I just talk to her. I never got nervous around girls. That’s how I knew she was different.

“So...” I cleared my throat “maybe we could, just hang out tonight?” I asked her

I watched her cock her head confused from my peripherals.

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” She chuckled

I laughed. I’m seriously an idiot.

“Yes, but I mean just me and you. Maybe not go to the party. I mean unless you want to. Either way. It’s fine.” I rambled on.

“Don’t wanna be seen with me... ahh, sure I don’t care.” She smiles at me

“No! That’s not it at all, I just... I want to get to know you. Ya know?”

“Oh, so you want to get into my pants? I see.” She nods her head, biting her lip.

My eyes widen and as soon as I start to defend myself, she starts laughing so hard.

Her hand finds my forearm and squeezes it, “Shawn, we can go wherever you want.” She says softly, “ And hey...” she waits for me to look. “Calm down, okay?” She smiles.

That smile did things to me. It cured every ounce of nervousness, anxiousness, and doubt I had ever had.

After that, I knew I had to make her mine.

_____________________________________________________

Y/N POV

He was insanely nervous. It was honestly the most adorable thing. I wanted to tell him, Its okay, I'm nervous too! I couldn’t though. I needed to seem like I was confident, that’s what he seemed to be attracted too so far.

He was so intense, driving. I kept looking over at him as his fingers tapped against the stirring wheel. He was looking at his GPS and the roads were getting darker and darker. We had been driving for about 30 minutes, and I was starting to get anxious.

As soon as I thought it, his voice comes over the music.

“Its this really pretty spot, I used to go to all the time growing up. I’ve just never driven there in the dark, but we should be there soon.” He smiles at me

And I smiled back.

“A really pretty spot where you… hide dead bodies?” I asked with a joking tone, trying not to laugh.

“Yep totally.” He rolls his eyes laughing. “I really didn’t think you’d catch on so quickly.” He says sarcastically. We laugh joking about the sketchiness of the situation, he was fully aware of how it looked.

When we finally pulled up, he was right, it was gorgeous.

It was this huge cliff that jutted out and over looked the city. Tons of sparkly lights dancing, and the stars above us were bright as can be. It was so simple but so breathtaking.

He came over to open my door, taking my hand as he helps me out of the jeep. I hop down and he reaches into his backseat and rummages around until he finds a blanket. I watch him as he walks to the front of the jeep, and throws the blanket on the hood. He takes my hand nodding to the blanket and I laugh as I jump up onto the hood of the car, and he follows my lead.

We sat there for awhile not saying anything, just looking at the view. The warmth of the jeeps engine was slowly leaving, and the wind started to feel colder than it did minutes ago. Shawn instantly noticed when I started to shiver. He hopped off of the hood and went to grab something from the jeep, coming back with a bottle of red wine, and a hoodie, that said YOUTH on the front.

He hopped back up and handed me the hoodie, I smiled at him, before throwing it on over my dress.

It smelled so good.

“You look gorgeous tonight.” He said softly. His arm was brushing up against mine, I looked up at him as I took his arm and put it around my shoulders. He was so warm.

“You look pretty handsome yourself, Mendes.” I smirked looking up at him, to find him staring down at me.

I watched his eyes flick from my eyes, down to my bottom lip that was stuck between my teeth.

I inhaled deeply, facing forward.

“21 questions. You go first.” I blurt out, leaning back smirking while I watch his eyebrows raise, thinking of a question.

“Okay, uhm, where are you from?” He asks facing me.

I explained where I moved from, and why I did. He seemed genuinely intrigued.

Okay, my turn.

“What makes you happy?” I said quietly.

You can tell a lot about someone when they talk about what brings them joy.

We spent the next hour laying there on the hood of his jeep, drinking red wine straight from the bottle. We talked about everything from which episode of Greys made us the most emotional, to the things that make us feel insecure. In just a few minutes of talking to him, my confident façade when out the window. He made me want to confide in him. Something about his presence made me weak, it made me want to be vulnerable. So I was, and so was he. It was beautiful, really.

There are a lot of things about this night Ill remember. Like the way his face lit up when he talked about his family and his fans, and his genuine love for them. The way his eyes got sad and his cheek quivered when I told him some of my darker times in life. The tone in his voice when he told me what my worth was. This boy didn’t even really know me, but he did at the same time. He knew me inside out.

__________________________________________

Shawn’s POV

Red wine always helps a little bit. She looked so good in my hoodie. I wanted to scoop her up and hold her tight, and kiss her until I couldn’t anymore.

We started to play 21 questions. Eventually it turned into us just spilling our guts about everything in our lives up until that point. I want to blame the wine, but I don’t think that’s why.

I was comfortable and she was too. We could have told each other everything without second guessing it. She was insecure about her body, and her personality. I wanted to find whoever made her feel that way and kick their ass.

“I just, wish I was more confident you know? I wish was confident enough to do all of the things I want to do. I second guess myself so much.” She bit the inside of her cheek as she stared out.

“I wish I was prettier.” She mumbled quietly. She looked down watching her hands fidgeting with each other. “I don’t think I’m ugly, but I just wish there was something WOW about me. Im so ordinary.”

She said, like she had thought it a million times.

I took my hand pulling her chin up to look at me.

“There is nothing ordinary about you.” I whispered, staring at her so she would believe me. She needed to believe me. She shook her head and quietly laughed, and she tried to look away but I pulled her face back to mine.

“You have wowed me more times than I can count, and this is only the first night we’ve hung out.” I smiled at her. “Everything about you is stunning. You need to know that.” I said looking down at her lips and back up to her eyes.

“Do you hear me, Y/n?” my eyes widened, ”I need you to know that.”

She softly nodded, I could tell by the look in her eyes, that this was the first time someone had made her feel worthy. She was though, she deserved to be told how amazing she was every single day.

Before I knew what was happening her lips were on mine. Slow and passionate all at once. She pulled back, biting her lip and looking at me as he thumb brushed my cheek bone as she held my face.

“Thank you.” She whispered, lightly kissing me once again.

____________________________________________

Shawn's POV

The next morning I woke up with a permanent smile plastered on my face. Everyone around me could tell that I was in a good mood. Everyone also knew that it was because of a girl, but I still lied and told them I was just having a good day.

I couldn’t get her off of my mind. I had never in my life talked to a girl like her. I wanted to text her as soon as I got up to make plans. I waited until around 10 am, after I went to the gym. I decided to call her.

My heart pounded as the phone rang, waiting for her to pick up. The longer I waited for her to pick up the more I wished I would have texted her. Finally just as I was about the hit the red button on the screen, she answered.

“Hi there.” She spoke, I smiled instantly picturing her face.

“Hey! Good morning, what do you have going on today?” I blurted out, really smooth. I should have probably talked a little longer before asking her out again.

She chuckled.

“Well…” She drew out her l’s “I was going to catch up on laundry.”

“Do you need some company?”

“I would love that. I usually go to the laundromat by my apartment. I could meet you there?”

“Okay! That works, just text me the address.”

“Deal, Bye Shawn.” She said before hanging up. I don’t think Ill ever get used to the way my chest tightens when she said my name.

Shortly after our call ended, she sent the address of the laundromat and told me she was headed here now. I threw my hoodie on, and a hat and left to meet her.

I walked up to the building thankful that it wasn’t in a very populated part of town. Not that it mattered, but I really wanted to get to know her more, and not be distracted the whole time.

I walked inside, smiling as soon as I saw her. She didn’t see me yet though. She was so entranced, it was kind of beautiful. She was humming along to the music playing over the loud speaker. Her hair in a messy bun, light makeup gracing her face. I could instantly tell that she really didn’t think about what she had on when she decided to hang out with me. That was one of the things I really liked about her. She was so real, all the time. I needed that in my life.

I walked to where she was, she finally looked up, smiling at me as she put down the clothes she was grabbing to put in the washer. She walked up to me, holding her arms out. It wasn’t until then that I realized she still had my hoodie on. I smiled down at her as her arms wrapped around my torso, and mine around her shoulders. We hugged for what felt like a long time. I was glad that she initiated hugging me, because I desperately wanted to wrap my arms around her too.

She let go of my waist and smiled up at me.

“Hi.” she said quietly

“Hi. That hoodie really does look good on you.” I confirmed nodding at her looking her up and down.

She backed up and fake modeled it for me, as she giggled.

“I know, I think I want to keep it.” She said shyly, biting her lip and raising her eyebrows.

I laughed, how could I tell her no.

“I think that’s a good idea.” I said nodding to her.

I instantly dove in helping her load the washer with her clothes, and getting change from the machines. Once the washers were all going, we bought an insane amount of junk food from the vending machine and sat down at a table near the machines she was using. We lucked out, we were the only ones in the entire laundromat.

“So…” she started, popping a peanut M&M into her mouth. “How long are you home for?”

I finished chewing my Twizzler… “I leave for a few European shows and press soon.” I said quietly. For the first time thinking that maybe that would be a deal breaker.

She nodded. “How soon is soon?” She smiles.

I start to smile back until I realize that she probably isn’t going to like my answer. I know I don’t.

“I leave in four days, but Ill only be gone for a few weeks.” I try to reason already.

Her eyes instantly get sad, but she tried to cover it up with a fake smile.

“Then you come home for another week, before you leave again?” She laughs.

I scrunched my nose and nodded. I didn’t want that to be true, but it was. That was the reality of my career. A career that I loved. This was the first time that I had to think about how often I wasn’t home. I avoided relationships for this reason exactly, I knew how hard it was for the other person.

I watched her as she got up and walked to the washer, as it was beeping, letting us know the clothes were done. She started putting them into the dryer, I walked over and started to help her. Once we had transitioned all of the clothes from the washers to the dryer she walked over to the wall nearby and leaned up against it. I slowly walked over to her. Placing one of my hands on the wall next to her head.

Then I used the other one to pull her chin up to look at me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” I mutter.

She breathes deeply, licking her lips before she speaks.

“I just… I really like you.” She says quietly.

I smile down at her, my heart pounding at the sound of the words.

“That’s good, I really like you too.”

“Do you like a lot of girls? Because I'm not that type of girl, ya know. I know you’re a Rockstar, and a lot of girls want you but I need to be the only one. You’ll be my only one and Ill be yours.” She started to ramble.

I giggled making her stop. She scrunched her eyebrows, silently telling me that she didn’t like that.

“First of all. You are my only one, the only person I’m talking to. You’re the only person I want to talk to.” I said matter of fact. She peered up at me biting the inside of her cheek. Something I’ve noticed she does when she’s nervous or anxious. She nodded at me signaling that she understood.

“Second of all, you are so fucking cute.” I smiled down at her, she instantly stopped chewing the inside of her cheek, when she lets out a little giggle. Her hand finds my neck, and she pulls me closer to her. Her lips ghosting mine, until I lean in a centimeter fully connecting them.

She gently pushes me away from her and wipes her mouth after we had been kissing for a few minutes.

“There’s a time and a place, Mendes.” She quips as she walks towards the dryer to check the time.

I tuned around leaning against the wall she just left, watching her silently.

She slowly walked towards me, leaning into me.

“So four days hmm?” She asked me quietly.

“Ya know, there’s a thing called face time… right? Its not like you cant talk to me while I’m away.” I responded, my hand finding the small of her back and rubbing gentle circles.

“Yeah I know, but I like this.” She said leaning her head into my chest. I sighed loving the feeling. She felt like the piece of me that was missing, and I didn’t even know it.

“Okay. Well for the next 4 days we can do this a lot, until I get back home.” I say leaning down to kiss her head.

She nods into my chest.

We stay like that until her clothes are dry. We fold her clothes, and pack them up, then take them to her car. Once she’s ready to leave. She walks the the drivers side of her car and I follow, opening her door for her.

“So, do you have anything going on tomorrow?” I ask

She smiles at me. “What do you have in mind?”

I chuckle “Well maybe, I could make you dinner at my place?”

She raised her eyebrows. “A man that can cook? I like it. Sounds like a plan.” She smiles and nods at me.

“Okay, Ill pick you up around 6.” I tell her. She nods, and leans in to hug me. I wrap my arms around her tight. She looks up at me with soft eyes.

“Thanks for helping me with my laundry.” She giggles.

“Anytime, honey.” I leaned down to kiss her nose.

She got in her car and I waited for her to drive away, before calling my mom to beg her to make a meal for my date tomorrow.

__________________________________________________

Shawn’s POV

I sliced the tomatoes as my mom started to sprinkle salt and pepper on the chicken breast.

“Okay, now we will put the basil and pesto all over the chicken, then the tomatoes then the mozzarella.” She lists. “She’s going to love it, sweetie.” She looks up at me smiling.

I start to do as my mom tells me. I spread the seasoning all over the chicken, placing the tomatoes delicately on top of it.

“I really appreciate you coming over to help.” I said silently as she started to prepare the salad.

“Of course, dear. You seem to really like this one.” She suggests, I see her peaking at me from her peripherals gauging my reaction. I smile bigger than I intended, but when I thought about her it was instant. Then thinking about her being around my family and how much they would like her. How could I not smile thinking about that. My mom noticed I assume, because I heard her chuckle.

“I really do. I know its crazy, I barely know her but… she’s amazing.” I nodded looking up to my mom to see her reaction.

“There’s nothing crazy about it, Shawn. When you feel something, you feel something.” She soothes, as she rubs my arm. I smile down looking at her, silently telling her that it was exactly what I needed to hear.

After she told me how long to cook the food for and helping me set the table, and pick out the perfect bottle of wine. I helped her gather her things so I could walk her to her car.

I pull open her door, setting her things in the passenger seat, turning around to give her a bear hug.

“Thank you so much.” I kiss her cheek.

“Of course, honey.” She said getting into her car. “I can’t wait to meet her.” She winks as she starts to pull out of my parking garage.

I head back upstairs to take a quick shower before I left to pick her up. Sending her a quick text to give her a estimate of when I would be there.

_______________________________________

Y/N’s POV

Giddy, I was so damn giddy. I couldn’t stop smiling, and prancing around my apartment. I was trying not to think very much about everything. I knew deep down that there was a huge possibility that this wouldn’t work. My past relationships always worked like this. I thought I knew who they were, and they turned out to be something completely different. I didn’t see that happening with Shawn. Honestly, I was already so invested that I had to take it as far as it would go. However far that may be, I didn’t know, and that scared me.

I got ready the same way I did on our first date. Loose curls, light makeup, and another simple dress. The dress is a deep plum t-shirt dress I paired it with a denim jacket and as usual my white converse.

*DING*

SHAWN: Hey gorgeous, be there in thirty.

Y/N: See you soon!

I patiently waited for my phone to signal me that he was outside. When It finally came, I couldn’t get to his Jeep fast enough. He attempted to park and get out of the car, but I signaled to him to stay in the car as I ran the other side of the car. I close the door behind me quickly, and buckle my seatbelt. I look over to see him smirking at me.

“I like opening the door for you.” He raises his eyebrows.

I giggle, “I like that you open the door for me.” I confirm grabbing his hand and lacing my fingers through them.

“I just really wanted to do this…” I lean over the center console and pull his face towards me and connect my lips to his rapidly. “I wanted to do that.”

“Okay…” He says taking my hand in his and bringing the back of it to his lips. “only, this time.”

We finally pull up to his condo. I make an attempt to not look super impressed by how lavish it was. We hadn’t even made it inside yet. I obviously expected it to be insane, but this was beyond what I imagined. We rode the elevator up in silence mostly because he knew I was soaking everything in. Then we finally got to his condo, and he unlocked the door. I took a deep breath in, his view. His view was the most amazing one I had ever witnessed.

“Shawn, this view is crazy.” I say walking closer to his window overlooking the CN tower.

“I know! That was what sold me.” He agrees.

I heard him fidgeting with the stove, I look over to see him putting the meal into the oven. He peaks up at me as I watch him.

“You can go on the balcony if you want, Ill be out in just a second.” He smiles

I slide open the door and step outside. The wind hitting me hard at first, but I adjusted quickly. I walked close to the edge of the balcony, peering out at the beautiful Toronto skyline.

I was so hypnotized that I didn’t even hear him come outside, I only felt him as he came to stand behind me. His arms pulling me close, giving me the warmth I didn’t know I needed. I sank into him, as he rested his chin on top of my head.

“That should be done in about 40 minutes.” He whispers looking down at me as I tilt my head to look up at him.

“Okay, I’m in no hurry.” I murmur, smiling up at him.

After a few minutes of standing there a few minutes, he guided me over to the couch on his balcony where he had pillows and blankets everywhere.

He sat on the corner of the couch and pulled me into him with my back resting against his side. His hand finding mine and playing with my fingers.

“Do you like living here?” He asked quietly.

“I do, I love it actually.”

“You don’t miss home at all?”

I shake my head no. “I don’t really feel like home is a place. I feel like home is wherever you feel loved, or you feel happiness.” I turn to look at him.”Ya know?”

He smirks nodding in agreement.

“That’s why I don’t mind traveling so much. I love being on stage, it’s like a second home to me.” He agrees.

“I mean I miss my family sometimes, but I’ve accomplished so much being away from them.” I look away from him, feeling myself starting to get emotional. I feel his hand tighten around mine, because he notices.

“They weren’t very supportive?” He questions.

I let out a scoff. “Yeah I guess you could say that. I love them, but they weren’t the best parents.”

“You can talk about it if you want?” He says softly kissing my temple.

I sigh, I hate talking about it but I know that he needs to know this to understand the kind of person I am.

I tell him about my childhood, and how my mom and dad were never really around much. They both worked weird hours and partied like crazy. They didn’t plan on having me, so I kind of interrupted their party years. They were so immature as I got older it turned into me being the responsible one. With money, bills, school, everything really. They didn’t take initiative on anything. They didn’t care where I was, they didn’t care if the water bill was paid on time, they didn’t care about anything besides themselves. So I decided that when I graduated I would move, and go to college in a new city, and Toronto was my final decision.

“I’m so sorry, honey. That had to be hard.” He soothed as his hands ran through my hair.

“Its okay, I’ve learned from it and so have my parents. It made me who I am.” I smile at him.

“I really like who you are.” He says quietly grabbing my chin to pull it to his mouth.

We suddenly hear the ding of the timer, and he hops up from the couch rushing inside and I follow.

He takes the hot dish out of the oven with oven mits, and I chuckle at the image. There was no way he cooked this alone, he looked so out of his element, but it was adorable nonetheless.

“Need any help?” I ask with a bit of concern lacing my voice.

“Nope! Sit down, I’m gonna make your plate.” He says scooping the chicken and salad onto my plate. He places it in front of me, and it looked delicious.

“Thank you, Chef Mendes.” I peak up at him smirking at me.

He casually watches me as I cut into the food and take a bite. He visibly relaxes when I give the food the nod of approval. We both, eat and drink our wine rather quickly. I didn’t realize how little I ate that day until I was almost done with my food. He insisted on cleaning up alone, but I didn’t listen. I helped him gather all of the dirty dishes and load the dishwasher up. The entire time he told me to stop helping and sit down and relax, I just laughed and ignored his request.

We were finally done and my dress was soaked with water from rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.

“See if you would have just went and relaxed, you would be dry.” He quips, smirking at me.

“I don’t mind Shawn, really. Its just a little water.” I say calmly.

He rolls his eyes and dismisses himself for a moment, when he returns he has a pair of grey sweatpants and a pink hoodie.

“You can put these on if you want.” He hands them to me.

“Great another hoodie to steal.” I wink at him as I disappear into the bathroom.

The sweatpants hung low on my hips and were entirely too long but they were definitely comfier than the dress. The hoodie was obviously comfy too, but most of the comfort came from the way it smelled like him. I walked out to see Shawn waiting on the couch for me, his hands making a grabby motion as I walked over to him.

“Much better.” He said pulling me onto his lap. I readjusted so that I was straddling his lap, I watched his apples Adam bob when I did this. His hands resting on my upper thighs.

“Thanks for the clothes.” I muttered while I played with the strings on his own hoodie.

“Literally, anytime. They look so fucking good on you.”

I smile at him before I lean forward, kissing his neck softly. Making a trail to his lips, where I could spend hours. We kissed for a long time, until I softly tugged his lip between my teeth and pulled away.

“We have to stop.” I giggle, wiping my mouth. I knew I was getting turned on and I knew he was too, I could feel it. He started to blush. I wrapped my arms around his neck playing with the hair on the back of his head.

“I don’t want to. Believe me, but we should.” I nod. I want him to understand that it wasn’t anything he was doing wrong.

“Of course, baby.” He says lifting me from the spot on his lap to stand while he lays down on the couch.

Once he’s comfortable he pats the area in front of him, for me to lay down. He grabs the remote. Leaning up on his elbow to see the TV.

“Harry Potter okay?” he asks not breaking contact with the tv.

“Which one?” I ask watching him closely.

“Azkaban.” He mutters.

“Best one. I approve.”

He glances down quickly, “Just when I think you can’t get any hotter.” He smirks leaning down to kiss my cheek. He presses play and I turn away from him so were spooning. He pulls a pillow under his head so his is elevated above mine. My head resting on his right bicep. His left arm wraps around my body, sliding under my hoodie. I felt his hand pause as he realized I didn’t have a shirt on underneath. I put my hand on top of his to signal that I didn’t mind. His thumb started tracing light patterns, I instantly relax into him. We watched the movie in silence for the most part, other than both of us quoting our favorite parts when they came up.

The movie ended and I turned so that I was laying on my back next to him. He was hovering over me, lightly brushing my hair from my face. His eyes flicking from my face to my lips a few times.

“What?” I ask quietly as he stares down at me, bringing a new shade of red to my cheeks.

He finally leans down ghosting his lips on mine, we kiss slowly for a while. His lips fitting perfectly between mine. He leans back, licking his lips. His hand on my chin, thumb rubbing softly.

“Needed to do that.” He says quickly before leaning down and kissing my nose.

I look down to find his fingers lacing my own. I love the look of it, his hand looks so good with mine. I wanted to talk about what was next. I couldn’t formulate what to say though. We had only been on two dates and I was already cuddling on his couch with him. Which was an absolutely crazy thing for me to do. I have never been that girl, why was I with him? Everything felt so natural from the get go, maybe I needed to pump the breaks. I wondered how invested he was, I hoped that he was feeling what I felt.

Shawn’s POV

She was stunning. Lying beside me, I couldn’t help but wish that I could wake up every day to this image.

“You should stay over, its so late.” I whispered as I played with her fingers in my hand. She takes a deep breath which made me nervous.

“I have to use the restroom.” She says quickly popping up from the couch. I pointed her in the direction, wondering if I just fucked everything up because I wanted to move too fast. I sat there for a few minutes, my leg bouncing up and down nervously. She walked back into the room with a smile, which made me feel better.

“I’m all yours.” She says plopping down onto the couch.

My heart fluttered a bit, hearing her say that. God I wanted her to be.

“Good.” I confirm moving to where I was facing her on the couch.

We sat on there, her at one end, me on the other. We just stared at each other for a while. She was fidgeting with the dead skin on the side of her nail. It looked like she wanted to say something a few times.

“This is crazy.” She mutters. Taking a deep breath, she slowly looks up at me.

“Yeah.” I agreed, smirking. I could have pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about but, I knew.

“I mean… three dates, Shawn. I-I don’t know what to think about it.” She rambles, curling her legs underneath her. Her eyes searching mine for some type of guidance. Hell I was just as freaked out by my feelings for her, but I did know that it was something special.

I adjusted in my seat, smiling at her softly.

“Well… We like each other, right?” I ask

“I mean I like you, you like me too. Right?” She scrunched her eyebrows together.

“Mhm” I nod, laughing softly at her reaction.

“So, maybe we should slow things down?” I ask tilting my head.

She takes a deep breath in.

“I think that might help.” She mumbles.

I look past her noticing that I had UNO on my book shelf along with some other random games. I crossed the room and grabbed the box of cards, returning to the couch. She watched me curiously as I sat in front of her shuffling the cards.

“One round of UNO, then I’ll take you home?” I asked smirking at her, I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye for the night. If she wanted to slow things down, I would do that for her. She smirked at me as she took the cards I dealt into her hands, taking one of my throw pillows and putting it behind her back.

“So,” She said throwing down a red skip card, then a red 8, “You leave in two days.”

“I do, you gonna miss me?” I smirked at her laying down a draw two.

She scoffed picking up two cards and hitting me with a draw four.

“So you'll be able to talk to me while you're away, right?” She said delicately.

“Of course. Are you okay with me calling? The time difference can be annoying.”

“I mean, If you want to call, I won’t mind.”

“I want to call. I want to Facetime, I want to talk to you a lot.”

“Good.” She blushed, laying down a green 4, “Uno.” She laughed softly. She picks up the cards and starts to shuffle for another round, I guess she wasn’t ready to call it a night either.

I knew, I couldn’t live without this girl. I wanted her to be on the other end of the phone every night when I was tossing and turning. I wanted her to be waiting here for me when I got back home, and I was going to do everything to make her feel the love she deserved.

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes one shot

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eccentriccowboy · 5 years

Text

Assassin // pt. 4// FINALE

Synopsis: Y/N and Luke battle to the death for the title of Assassin. (not actually but)

Pairing: Slow burn(not for long bitches hehe) bestfriend!Luke x reader

Warnings: None besides swearing my lack of proofreading. i forgot to add swearing to pt. 3′s warnings so i apologize to all you 6-year-olds on tumblr who weren’t prepared for me to drop an f-bomb.

But seriously im sorry to the people who aren’t comfortable with swears.

also thank you to the people that sent me such supporting messages, getting me through this. I love you..

Word Count: 2.6 k

*****

You woke to the heavy weight of Luke’s arm resting over your waist. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but you definitely weren’t expecting it, nor the proximity between you two, his chest practically touching your back.

You tried to inch forward, gaining space between you and Luke, but his grip on your waist suddenly tightened, pulling you closer to his chest.

“Mhmm, stop moving,” he mumbled, nuzzling his face into the back of your neck. You didn’t know what to do. Of course you’ve slept in the same bed as Luke before, you’ve grown up with him. But not since this whole “I have feelings for you and I’m beginning to get the feeling you do too” fiasco began.

Instead, you turned over in his bed, now facing him. “Luke,” you whispered. “I have to get going,” you lied. You had nowhere to be, and although you had practically dreamed for months now of waking up next to Luke to morning cuddles, now that it was happening it didn’t seem right. Probably because you two were still just “friends”.

“Mhmm, no you don’t. Stay and cuddle. I’m kinda cold,” he murmured, a loud yawn escaping his lips, before pulling you closer to his chest. He dragged his nose along your jawline; and you weren’t sure if it was his yawn that reminded you of how tired you still were, or the cold tip of his nose that told you it was cold outside and you best bundle up, or the relief of finally being close to him that made you stay.

*****

Luke woke up and began to panic. There was a girl in his bed. Not only that, that girl was you. For months on end he’s practically dreamed of waking up to you beside him, but there was a little problem. He may have gotten a little too excited about waking up to you, and now this little problem wasn’t so little.

Luke had a fucking boner. Here he was, sleeping in a bed with one of his closest friends, who has done nothing sexual to provoke him, and yet he was turned on.

Luke tried to lower his heart beat and calm down, in fear of it waking you as your head was placed on his chest. After taking a few deep breaths, Luke tried to slowly inch away from your touch, trying his best not to wake you. But to no avail, as your eyes opened to find Luke trying to slither out from under you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” you questioned, sleep still upon you.

“Uh, I’m gonna go make breakfast.” Luke stated, coming up with the first idea that came to his mind. He hoped you would fall for it, and let him leave to uh, deal with his situation.

But you were not having it. “Nooooo, stay. Like you said earlier, it’s cold outside of these blankets,” you tried to convince him, slinging your arm against his chest to keep him where he was.

But he shook his head and tried to move again. You thought it would be funny to gently tackle him, draping your body over his before he could get out of bed. Right once you did this, though, Luke froze.

“No, Y/N, Y/N, Y/N, no, get off me,” Luke quickly pleaded. But it was too late, you had already felt his bulge press against your lower half, your face immediately reddening.

Luke gently pushed you off of him and stood up, while you sat up straight. “Um, I can explain,” Luke began to say.

“No, no, it’s fine. Really, it’s natural. Right?” You stuttered, a blush still prominent on both of your cheeks.

“Well, no, but like-”

“It’s fine. Um, I’m gonna get going,” you stated, crawling out of bed and walking quickly past Luke, avoiding eye contact.

“No, no, Y/N. I just-”

“Luke really it’s good, we’re good, I just kinda wanna leave before this can get any more awkward,” you said, not even turning around to look at him before you had grabbed your shoes and clothes from yesterday and was out the door.

*****

“Hey Y/N, Um, this is gonna be complicated. Because I know things are kinda awkward between us right now. And that’s all mine and my stupid man brain’s fault. But I really wanna speak to you. But of course we still have the game going on, so I’m not really sure how we can do that. So just, um, call be back.”

You listened to Luke’s voicemail, shaking your head as you remembered the awkwardness that was this past morning.

To be honest you don’t know what to think anymore. You were just done with this whole shit between you and Luke. One moment you want to kiss him on the cheek, but then your feelings bubble up and you get frustrated that you aren’t together and you feel like punching something, preferably Luke´s face.

God, you’ve got it bad for him. But does a boner really mean he likes you? Probably not. It probably just means he still has the hormones of a 12-year-old boy. And that’s fine and all you guess, just it really messes with your head.

You couldn’t not face him, though. He’s one of your best friends, and you couldn’t possibly imagine your life without him.

But, like Luke said, you’ve still got the game going on. So clearly, he hasn’t forgotten, but neither have you.

You decide to sit on it. Avoiding problems is much easier than dealing with them, the devil of your subconscious reasons. Yes, but, Luke and I both need to talk. Without the game. Without the boys. Just the two of us. We both deserve that much. I know our relationship hasn’t been the same for a while, and I know he can feel it, too. So no matter how it ends, I do have to talk to him, the rational side of you explains. Yes, but, that doesn’t mean right now, the devil said. You quickly agreed with that side of you, taking the easy way out of things for now and getting ready for bed.

*****

Your hands twisted the hair at the nape of his neck, your fingers scratching his scalp lightly. His hands travelled from the side of your hips to your waist, becoming more comfortable with himself in the kiss. You broke the kiss, a smile falling upon your lips as your heart bubbled up in realization of what you have done. Your smile, contagious, one finding its way onto Luke’s lips, before being replaced with yours once more for a quick peck.

Suddenly, a loud ringing sounded out beside you, waking you up for your dream. You sighed in frustration, more at yourself for having such a dream than at the phone for waking you up. You reached over to grab your phone, Luke’s contact appearing on the phone. You looked to see it was three am, and in fear of it being an emergency, answered it.

“Luke?” you questioned. “What are you doing at this time of night?”

“Y/N” he slured. “Mm, I’m uh, mm,” sounding like he was on the brink of falling asleep.

“You’re what? Are you drunk?”

“Severely,” he giggled.

“Luke, oh my god. Just go back to sleep.” You rolled your eyes.

“Nooo,” he groaned. “Come to the park.”

That certainly got your attention.

“Wait, what?”

“Come to the park,” he repeated. “I’m here,” he said slowly, a yawn escaping afterwards.

“Oh my god, why are you at the park, Luke?” you asked, exasperated.

“Mmm,” he murmured. “I, mmm, got stuck.”

“What the hell, Luke?” you exclaimed, beginning to panic. “What do you mean?”

“Mmm, I uh, got stuck,” he slurred, his eyes closing, drifting in and out of consciousness.

“Alright, Luke,” you said. “Stay there. I’m on my way. Keep me on the phone,” but it was too late. Luke has ended the call, falling asleep god knows where.

You rushed out of the door, with only your phone, keys, and a jacket in hand. You continued to try and get a hold of Luke on your way down to the parking garage, but it was no use, he was knocked out cold somewhere, drunk and vulnerable.

While you avoided problems, Luke drowned them.

You should have known that whatever you felt after yesterday morning affected him, too. And after not responding to him, he would have turned to his coping mechanism like you did, except his included alcohol.

Breathing became hard, your worry for your best friend getting the best of you. He was unconscious, defenseless to any weirdo that happened to walk in a park at 3 am. You couldn’t possibly imagine your life without him.

You drove to the only park you would think Luke would go to, the one where you had first met him in the fifth grade. It was the only park in town the two of you had ever been to, really. And it was the closest to his apartment and you couldn’t think Drunk Luke would get too far.

You pulled over in front of the gate, shutting off the engine and exiting the car. You began to walk the path that was paved, your keys in your hands as defense. You used your phone as a flashlight, even though it wasn’t that dark.

Suddenly, a sound came from your left. You jumped to the side, only to be met with the flashing eyes of a racoon. You sped up your pace, trying to calm your heart beat.

You rounded a corner, your eyes widening at the scene before you. There was Luke, lying on the ground with his arm stuck in the gate, looking as healthy and safe as a drunk, unconscious man could.

You rushed to his side, afraid to touch him in case of hurting him more. His arm was twisted in a painful angle. You tried to push back the tears streaming down your face, but you couldn’t help it as you were filled up with so much relief that Luke was okay.

You gasped, trying to stifle the tears once more, drawing Luke back to consciousness. He opened his eyes slowly, but he seemed to sober up immediately when he saw you, tears rushing down your face.

You saw his eyes open and you wiped away your tears with your jacket sleeve. He tried to move to console you, but he yelped when he tried to move his arm.

“Oh, God, Luke,” you yelped, “Are you alright?”

Luke’s look at you for a few moments, then blinked.

“Yea, I, uh, I think so,” he said, still recovering from the many drinks he had hours earlier, instead falling into the beginnings of a hangover.

“What the hell were you doing” you scolded slightly. Still afraid to touch him, you sat down on the cement beside him, waiting for him to ask for help.

“Um, I think I was trying to pick the flowers on the other side,” He looked over at the flowers, that honestly weren’t too pleasing to the eye, looking as if they were on the verge of death. “I clearly failed,”

You rubbed your hands across your face, all the worry you had felt turning into disbelief, so much emotion draining you.

“Oh God, Luke. Why? Just why?” you questioned, almost chuckling at the situation.

Luke closed his eyes. “I was tryna get them for you,” he mumbled. Your heart jumped at his words. “I think drunk me was trying to apologize for being a dick but it didn’t work out.”

You let out a laugh, still a bit shaky. “I still haven’t heard an apology,” you raised your eyebrows.

Luke looked up at you for a few seconds, his eyes staring deep into yours, before beginning to speak. “I’m sorry, I’m stupid, we both know that,” he began. You could tell the alcohol still hadn’t worn off completely, his speech quickening and blurring together almost unintelligible.

“I’m sorry for making you worry about me, I shouldn’t have started drinking that early. But I was afraid you hated me and that I ruined our friendship from getting a fucking boner and I was upset at myself that I ruined my chances with you and I just want you in my life and I’m sorry, damnit Y/N” Luke said, exasperated. He clearly was not in charge of his words nor his emotions at the moment, his face red from his outburst, in combination with the cold and the alcohol.

You blinked, unsure of what to say. You felt your cheeks heat up, and Luke’s eye widened when he realized just what he had said.

“Shit, did I just make it worse?” Luke looked the other way, in fear of what you might say.

“What are you trying to tell me, Luke?” you said, needing reassurance that what you just heard was really what he meant.

“I’m trying to tell you I’m in love with you, Y/N” Luke blew out a breath, finally meeting your eyes. “And I have been for a while.”

You sat still for a couple of seconds, somehow in disbelief. There’s been something between you and Luke for a while now, but hearing it out loud that he not only likes you, but loves you, saying it outloud for all of the world to hear, making it real, just didn’t seem possible.

Luke sat there, his arm still twisted. But he couldn’t feel it anymore, the pain subsiding as he was too focused on your next moves.

Instead of saying anything, you placed your two cold hands onto his warm cheeks and leaned in, connecting your lips with his. His arm, the one that wasn’t tangled up in a fence, wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer. Your body heated up instantly, you wished the kiss could go on forever. But Luke broke the kiss, his mouth forming into a huge smile, as he laughed at what you to did.

You couldn’t help but laugh with him, all the worry and stress you had felt for so long vanishing, like a weight lifted off your shoulders, everything in life falling into place with just a simple smile.

You moved to straddle his waist and finally untwist his hand from the gate, but he suddenly stopped you.

“Wait, wait, wait.” He held you back, then began to stretch out his twisted arm gently.

“What are you doing, I’m trying to kiss you,” you said bluntly, a smile still on your face.

He plucked a few of the flowers from the bushes. “Okay, now help me,” he chuckled.

You gently pulled his elbow back, trying to not scratch or injure him more. When his arm was finally safe and out of the gate, he presented the flowers to you.

“As a congratulations,” he said. When he saw your eyebrows furrow, he continued. “You won Assassin,”

It took a few moments for you it to sink in, when you placed your hands on his cheeks, you won the game. You outburst in laughter, the night only getting better, euphoria overtaking you.

You leaned in to kiss him again, trying to wipe the smile off your face and grabbing the dying flowers from his hand and throwing them to the ground next to you. “I love you, too.”

*****

thanks for reading!! sorry it took so long!! ahh!!

taglist for Assassin: @cashtonspicelatte @curlious

@wrappedaroundcal @teenswithbrokensmiles @sassy-asht0n @northangerpark

@summertime-acoustic @yasminesflowers @oh-annaa @that1girlmary @teehxk

@may-bereblog @madxhttr22

#im very proud of myself because yes this took me forever to write but i finished it!!#5sos #5sos imagine #luke hemmings #luke hemmings imagine #luke hemmings imagines #IS IT IMAGINE OR IMAGINES #5sos imagines #5sos blurb #luke hemmings blurb #luke hemmings preferences #5sos smut #luke hemmings smut

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zigsexual · 6 years

Text

Theoreticals; part 3 (maxwell x mc)

part one. part two.

asdkfjals guys i finally DID IT it only took me a damn year but this is it, the final piece of the hypotheticals verse! love u all for continuing to bother me about this until it was finally finished,, idk what else to say i dont wanna ramble but im proud for my babies that they made it this far, fuckin hooray

note: this is the final companion piece to hypotheticals and empiricals, and honestly if you haven’t read those then u probably should because this one has a lot of plot throwback and also tbh its like very divergent from the main storyline seeing as i started writing it in 2017

summary: the coronation is actually happening feat. private planes, maxwell as a baby????? an unfortunate run in with some potpourri, dancing, drake, and an uber driver

word count: 5800+

Well.

Riley takes a deep breath, attempting to calm the absolute whirlwind of thoughts in her head that are, at any moment, threatening to become a hurricane. She can’t take the waterworks again, not when she’s finally stopped crying. She turns slightly to catch herself in the mirror, rubbing at the last smears of mascara with her thumb. The girl who looks back reminds her far too much of the girl who used to stare out from the curve of a freshly washed spoon in a New York bar. A reflection of another time; a defeated time.

She rolls her shoulders back. Today is not the day for defeat. At least, not yet.

When she emerges back out into the hallway, she’s relieved to find it near deserted but for a few of the king’s guard. One of them spots her and turns to the others, whispering something. She raises her hand in a brief wave, quickening her pace back towards the ballroom. Now is not the time to be intercepted and interrogated about her whereabouts.

She rounds the corner too quickly, head turned back to be sure none of the guards are still watching her, and nearly collides with Liam, who is also taking his corners too fast.

“Lady Riley!” he says, catching her by the shoulders before she can fully crash into him. His eyes, surprised and earnest, wash over her in such a way that she can feel herself beginning to blush.

“Hey,” she replies, mouth quirked up in a sheepish half-smile. “Fancy meeting you here.”

He laughs, dropping his hands back to his sides. Riley can’t quite meet his gaze; the full measure of him is just so… well, there was a reason she had decided to come to Cordonia in the first place. Liam is still Liam, still resplendent with that aura of dignity he carries so easily, still with that face like her teenage daydreams.

And now, this. This utter mess she’s made with his heart. No, there are too many reasons to keep her eyes downcast, fingers toying with the satin of her gown.

Liam’s voice drops lower. “I’ve actually been meaning to speak to you, if you have a moment?”

“For you?” Riley shrugs. “Of course.”

“There’s a family garden out back,” he holds out his arm, and she takes it, hesitantly. “The guests aren’t allowed out there, so we won’t be interrupted.”

She smiles, but it comes off more pained than pleased. “Oh, I mean there’s no need to, ah… we can just talk here, if you want?”

“I think it’d be better to have some privacy,” Liam says, and the air of finality to his statement pulls Riley reluctantly along with him.

The ‘family garden,’ another one of Liam’s modest descriptors, turns out to be a sprawling thing almost double the size of the palace itself, adorned at every turn with manicured greenery and delicately arranged flowers. Even the cobblestone paths seem somewhat luxurious, which is a relief to Riley as it means Liam won’t fault her for looking everywhere but at him.

“I’m glad you came here,” he says. “It’s been a joy getting to know you, and seeing you defy the odds against you. You have a very particular kind of strength about you that I admire.”

“Thank you,” Riley says, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I’m sure you must have some idea of what I wish to speak with you about.” His brow furrows, and he looks off towards the lights of the palace. “I hope… I hope this doesn’t come as a surprise.”

Riley turns, finally, to look at him, her heart pounding in her chest, “Liam, I —”

“I can’t marry you.”

Riley’s mouth falls open. “Hold on, what?”

“Oh —” Liam looks taken aback. “Did I misjudge?”

“Misjudge?” Riley stops walking, dropping his arm so she can stand in front of him, staring. “Misjudge what?”

“You,” Liam says gently, his eyes sweeping across her face, “Your heart.”

“My…” Riley reaches up and presses her hand to her mouth. “Oh.”

Oh.

“I thought as much,” Liam sighs. “I know I’ve been quite open about my affection for you, and I worried you might feel… obligated? Perhaps that’s too strong a word, but it troubles me to think that you might not be living the life you want. With the person you want to live it with.”

Riley feels her heart in her throat. She presses her hand harder against her lips.

“I suppose I wanted the chance to tell you all this before the official announcement to the court. I wanted you to know that your presence here has never been anything but a gift, and I’ve never expected anything in return.”

She nods.

“All that to say… I’m not going to ask you to marry me tonight. Or any night, for that matter. I didn’t want you to spend the whole ball fretting over the possibility of it, when you could just be enjoying yourself.”

She nods again, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

The breezes rustles against them, the gentle scrape of leaves echoing in the wind.

Liam laughs softly, “It’s funny, Drake had always mentioned that you —”

“Oh my god,” Riley squeaks, voice sharp with panic, “No, Liam, oh my god. It’s not Drake. I’m not — we’re not — I would never—”

Liam laughs even more at her response, stunning her into silence. “Riley, I know. It’s my job to be aware of what happens in my court.”

“Oh.” Riley hates herself. “Uh, just wanted to… y’know, clarify that.”

“He does have a fondness for you, though,” Liam muses.

“He told you?”

“Well, not in so many words. I asked him once what he thought of you, and he said you were ‘almost passable,’ so I drew my own conclusions.”

“Wow,” Riley crosses her arms across her chest. “High praise from Drake.”

“The highest.”

“Can we… uh,” Riley nods towards a nearby stone bench, nestled amongst the rosebushes. “Can we sit down? Sorry, this is just…”

“A lot?”

“A lot.”

They both sit, Riley sweeping her skirts underneath her to allow Liam more space. There’s a fountain not far off, reflecting the lights from the party beyond, although the splashes of water are the only sounds of civilization she can hear.

“I’ve wanted to tell you,” Riley says nervously, “I kept trying to find the right time, but you know how that is. It doesn’t exist, not really.”

“You don’t have to apologize, if that’s what you’re getting at,” he reassures her, “I understand.”

“I know, but that almost makes it worse. You’re too good. I’m such a shitshow.”

He laughs. “On the contrary, you’re the only thing about this ball that isn’t.”

Riley hesitates. “Not to be weird or anything, but can I… can I ask who told you?”

“About you and Maxwell?”

Hearing Liam actually say his name sends a rush of something through her. It’s as if he’s made it real, now; as if something about him knowing has elevated the quiet nothingness of their relationship into a profound and essential Thing.

“Yeah,” she whispers.

Liam looks pensive. “No one told me. I mean, not exactly. It’s just that I’ve known everyone here all my life, and when you’re around someone for that long you notice when things… change.” He glances at her with a smile. “You’ve been a catalyst for a lot of that, here.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“I wasn’t entirely sure at first, it was just a hunch. But you know how Maxwell is: never stops talking, terrible at lying, loyal to a fault. He’s always been at the center of things. And then you came along, and…”

Liam turns to her, his expression thoughtful. “He was so guarded about you. So careful. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Maxwell be careful about anything in his life.”

“He’s careful about the important things,” Riley says softly.

“He used to spend hours talking you up to me, working on distractions so you and I could be alone together. He wanted you to succeed in all of this, that much was evident. And it was gradual, the way he stopped bringing you up, the shorter and shorter conversations, but of course I noticed. He wanted you to succeed… and then he wanted you.”

Liam sighs, the quietest moment of weakness slipping out. “I guess I didn’t realize as quickly that you wanted him too.”

“Yeah, you and me both.” Riley swings her legs under the bench, shivering slightly as a breeze brushes her bare shoulders. “Trust me, when I decided to come to a tiny foreign country to compete for a chance to be royalty, this is the last outcome I expected.”

Liam laughs. “It is rather ridiculous, I suppose.”

“Will you be alright, though?” Riley glances up at him, worried. “Madeleine told me there’s this law or something, that you have to get married to be on the throne?”

“Oh, that.” He waves a hand dismissively. “It doesn’t actually matter, I can change it after the coronation. It’s not as if we have any alternate governing body. This is an absolute monarchy; I can basically do whatever I want. Honestly, it’s a little strange we haven’t had some sort of democratic revolution yet.”

“Not on your first year agenda?”

“Not yet, no.” He smiles at her, and the sadness in his eyes has almost faded out. “Riley… I hope that you won’t find it awkward to be at court after this. I don’t have many friends, and although I know it may not have been my initial intention, I should hope to remain friends with you.”

“Oh, Liam,” Riley bumps her shoulder against his, “Of course. And I’m not just saying that because you’re about to be king of an absolute monarchy and can basically do whatever you want.”

He laughs again, standing up from the bench and brushing off his jacket before reaching out a hand to help her up. She’s only slightly unsteady on her heels until her feet catch purchase in the cobblestones, and she rests a hand on Liam’s arm to regain her balance.

His eyes meet hers, only inches away, and she feels that gentle tug in her chest again. In another life, maybe; in another timeline, she could be his queen.

But not this one.

They walk back to the palace in silence, Liam with his hands in his pockets, surveying the grounds. Now he is the one desperate not to meet her eyes, though she doesn’t blame him. Even though Liam tries to be the picture of strength, of nobility, he’s only human.

His lips brush across her cheek for the briefest moment when they part at the door. “You don’t have to stay,” he tells her, and she reaches out and squeezes his hand.

He’s swallowed up into the palace before she can think of anything real to say back. And she knows it’s not goodbye, not really – but it certainly is an ending.

She closes her eyes, breathing in deeply. The emotional turmoil of this night (of the last few days, really) has been weighing far too heavily on her soul. Liam’s blessing seems to have unlocked something in her, released the dam on her heart and flooded her body with feeling.

When she opens her eyes, she knows exactly what needs to be done.

The ballroom is still teeming with people, although many have begun edging towards the bar. A quick glance around the room doesn’t return any hits, and Riley frowns, wondering where to look next. As Liam mentioned, Maxwell is usually at the center of everything, and she can’t imagine what’s more central than this.

She catches Drake still pouting near the hors d’oeuvres, her skirts bunched in one hand as she tries her best to run towards him in those damn stiletto heels. He looks over at her when the frantic click of her shoes gets close, then crosses his arms and watches her approach, amused.

“You’re such a dick,” Riley says, bracing herself on the wall so she doesn’t trip. “It’s not easy to get around in these things, you know. You could’ve moved.”

“Why move when you’re already en route?”

“Dick.” She pauses to take in a deep breath, embarrassed at how winded her wobbly half-jog has made her. Maybe she needs to take Maxwell up on that offer to accompany his morning runs, although the thought of him seeing her like this is mortifying.

“Do you know where Maxwell went?” she asks, straightening up and rolling her shoulders back, hoping good posture will eliminate the residual humiliation. “He was in here last I saw him, but then I got, uh — otherwise detained.”

Drake sighs. “You’re a piece of work, Aldridge.”

“Oh, fuck you. I should’ve just asked Hana.” Riley looks out at the room, running a quick sweep before turning back to Drake. “Um, where’s Hana?”

“Seriously?”

“Look Drake, you’re not my ideal conversation partner right now either.”

He laughs sardonically, but there’s a hint of affection in his eyes. Drake can talk all the shit he wants, but she knows she’s his weak spot. Well, her and Liam. And whiskey.

“I haven’t been keeping tabs on Hana,” he says, “But Maxwell went looking for you a while ago, so he’s probably lost. Good luck with that.”

Riley makes a frustrated sound. “Do you have your phone? I should just call him.”

Drake reaches into his pocket and hands her something that may have possibly been a phone, once, but now resembles a sort of conceptual idea of a phone as designed by a seven-year-old fresh into the twenty-first century.

Riley stares at it. “Drake, what the fuck is this? What am I supposed to do with this? Oh my god, is that an antenna?”

“Yeah,” he frowns, seemingly unaware of her horror at this technological trashcan. “I don’t get great reception at the palace. It helps if you pull it out.”

Riley groans. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Okay, nevermind — how do you text someone on this thing? You’ve got Max’s number, right?”

“I don’t have texting.”

Riley blinks. “Sorry, repeat?”

He shrugs. “It’s a waste of money. I mean, why text someone when you can just talk to them?”

“What in god’s name —” Riley barely stifles an angry shriek. “Drake, you’re useless. Why the fuck didn’t I pick a dress with pockets? I’m going to go find him myself; take your stupid prehistoric waste of plastic.” She shoves the offending object back into his hands before turning her back and starting off towards the very door she had just entered.

Figures.

“Sometimes you can get service on the third-floor balcony?” Drake offers. Riley lets out a final disgusted sigh before quickening her pace. The sooner she is away from this dude, the better.

It’s a much overdue blessing that when she pushes open the ballroom door, she nearly runs into Maxwell. Just the sight of him is enough to make her stumble forward, her shoe catching the marble with an ill-placed step.

He grabs her shoulders to catch her, visibly flustered. “Riley?! Oh, thank god. Where’ve you been? I’ve been looking for you everywhere, I even asked Bastien, but no one knew where you were, no one had even seen you in ages, and I thought —”

Riley takes his face in her hands and kisses him quiet, her lips curling in a smile against his, giddy and breathless and warm. She doesn’t pull back until she absolutely has to — until laughter spills out of her lungs and she can’t keep the grin away any longer.

She beams up at his bewilderment. “Oh Max, you have no idea how good it is to see you.”

“I — uh,” he blinks, mouth turning up in a confused smile. “Thanks? Or, um, you too?”

“Let’s go,” she says, brushing her thumb along his cheekbone, “Let’s just leave.”

“What?”

“Right now, let’s just —” she tilts her head towards the end of the hallway, “We can just run away, before anyone says anything.”

“Riley,” his brings a hand off her shoulder to curl his fingers gently around her wrist, just as her fingers thread into his hair. “What are you talking about?”

But the question is already answered as she brings her lips back to his, stepping closer and wrapping her free arm around his neck. His hands find her waist and she falls into him, clutching at his shirt as she opens her mouth against his, and suddenly everything is a blur of soft and hard and need and want and more than anything, hope.

She leans into his touch, eyes closed, head swirling with every wasted moment that has led to this. It’s like a dream: the sense of detachment she feels as they pull each other closer, the heady drunkenness of her hands as she struggles to find a hold on his shoulder. They’re breathing too loud, touching too soft, loving too hard.

She lets out a shuddery sigh and feels him rest his forehead against hers.

“Riley...” he says, voice soft. She can feel his eyelashes brush against her cheek, and her fingers dig in against his back, trying in vain to grasp at the strings of their ephemeral moment and keep it from drifting away.

They look at each other, inches apart.

“I want to run away with you,” she tells him, “Right now. I want to run away with you and I want you to say yes.”

“Where would we go?”

“I don’t know — anywhere. McDonalds, for all I care. I just want to say fuck it to all this courtly shit and nobility and be with you. Like, properly with you.”

“Properly?”

“Yeah.” She bites her lip. “You’re my best friend, you know?”

Maxwell takes her hands in his, and he’s looking at her so intensely she feels the blush pool hot in her cheeks. “You’re mine too.”

She dips her head, hoping to hide the burning spreading through her face. “I’m always yours.”

He smiles.

“What,” bellows a new voice, echoing down the hallway with footsteps far too angry for a ball, “in the crown’s name —”

They both turn, hands still clasped between them, and Riley whispers, “Fuck.”

Bertrand looks equal parts flabbergasted and livid, his expression twitching between the two as if he can’t quite make up his mind which is more applicable. He is walking much too quickly, the furrow in his brow getting more defined by the second, and Riley grips Maxwell’s hand tighter while also fearing slightly for his life.

“Did I just — did you just —” he comes to a halt in front of them, out of breath for more reasons than one and seemingly unable to string together a coherent sentence. “Have either of you ever — did you even once consider —”

“Down to run away whenever you are,” Maxwell says under his breath.

“Have the both of you lost your damn minds?!” Bertrand throws his hands up, eyes wild. “All of the work, all of the time and moneythat we have spent, ensuring that this occasion would be one of restorative glory for our household — and the entire time the two of you have been sneaking around… fraternizing?”

“How long have you been standing there?” Riley asks tentatively. “Because technically we were friendzoning each other at the end.”

He gives her a look so withering that she takes a hasty step behind Maxwell.

“You should both be grateful that I am the one who ran in on this abhorrent exchange instead of someone who might have let it slip to the Prince, or else this—” he gestures sharply at the door of the ballroom, “would be over.”

“Oh, um,” Riley says, “Well, about that.”

“Bertrand,” Maxwell starts, “Look, you have to give us a second to —”

Riley raises her voice. “Liam knows.”

“What?” Bertrand hisses, at the same time Maxwell looks down at her in shock, “You told him?”

“I didn’t tell him,” she answers Maxwell, meeting his eyes and trying to pretend it’s just the two of them. “Or, well, I did tell him, eventually. But he already knew. He said he guessed.”

“He guessed?” Bertrand is losing his mind. “How long has this been going on for? Has the entire palace been in on this ridiculous affair?!”

“It doesn’t matter.” Riley takes a deep breath, turning back to face him. “Liam knows, and he’s not going to marry me, and I’m not going to be queen.”

“There’s still time,” Bertrand says desperately, “Maybe if you talk to him, if you just explain the situation, perhaps he would be willing to overlook the indiscretion?”

“Oh my god, this is not an ‘indiscretion,’” Maxwell says, a sharpness in his tone that Riley hasn’t heard before. “You have to stop treating Riley like some tool to get back in the court’s good graces. It’s nobody’s fault but yours that things ended up this way, and you can’t expect anyone but yourself to clean up the mess you made.”

Bertrand scoffs. “What are you insinuating, that our current state of affairs is my fault?”

“Yes.” Maxwell’s resolve doesn’t waver, but Riley can feel his fingers tighten in hers. “And you know exactly what I’m talking about, unless you conveniently forgot the last girl you tried to send packing?”

Riley glances between the two of them, confused. Clearly there are a lot more secrets in this family than anticipated. Who needs to keep up with the Kardashians when you have the Cordonian nobility?

“This… this is absurd,” Bertrand sputters, clearly taken aback by Maxwell’s unexpected turn on the offensive. “Both of you are coming with me, and we’re going to fix this. We’ll set things straight; we have to. Perhaps Prince Liam misunderstood, he’ll be gracious, he —”

“I said, it doesn’t matter!” Riley shouts, startling the both of them. “Maxwell and I are in love, and we’re running away together, okay?!”

Bertrand blinks.

“But not like, far,” Maxwell interjects quietly, “I mean, we’ll be back.”

Bertrand rubs his temples, visibly distressed. “I absolutely cannot condone this. Will you not stop?”

Riley loops her arm in Maxwell’s, pulling him closer. “No?”

“You could at least be definitive.” Bertrand sighs. “Perhaps I should have expected this from both of you, since you seem entirely incapable of doing what I ask. Why not go full speed in the completely opposite direction?”

“Good idea,” Maxwell says, squeezing Riley’s hand. She looks up at him, raising an eyebrow, and he raises one back, and then before she even has a chance to squeeze his hand back in confirmation, they take off towards the other end of the hall.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Bertrand yells from behind them.

Riley can’t help the rush of giggles that break free from her at his voice, the sound punctuated by the echoes of her and Maxwell’s footfalls in the vast hallway. “Running away together!” she calls out in response, not looking back.

She almost trips as she steadies her hurried steps on her toes (these ridiculous shoes much louder and higher than they need to be) before the two of them barrel into a side door and stumble out onto the garden.

Riley is breathless, hopping on one foot as she undoes the clasp on her heels, kicking the shoes off with a deft shake of each ankle, then running out towards the lawn to grab them. Maxwell follows her, laughing too, and she holds up the shoes in one hand like a prize.

“We did it,” she grins, “We even beat Bertrand. That’s final boss type stuff right there.”

“Sorry about that,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck, “I didn’t mean to go off at him.”

Riley tilts her head, tracing a finger down his arm. “I don’t know, it was kinda hot.”

Maxwell laughs so hard at this that she smacks him with a shoe. “Shut up! It kinda was!”

“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind next time I fight with my brother. Real romantic stuff right there.”

“You’re the worst,” Riley wrinkles her nose at him, but can’t quite suppress her smile. “What’s his deal anyway? I can’t possibly piss him off that much, right?”

“He’s not good at emotions. Or like, relationships. He’s got — um, girl trouble.”

Riley barks out a laugh. “With who?”

“You’d be surprised.”

He slings an arm around her shoulders, and she wraps hers around his back, shoes still dangling from her other hand, and the two of them set off across the damp grass of the palace lawn. They don’t really have a destination, now that the running is over, but that’s okay.

“Oh! I’ve been meaning to tell you all night,” Riley says, feet sinking into the earth with each step. “I think Olivia is into Drake.”

“Olivia? Olivia Nevrakis?”

“Yes, oh my god, right? She said the weirdest thing to me in the bathroom.”

“How weird?”

“Like, ‘I want to fuck Drake’ weird.”

“No.”

“I’m serious!”

“That’s simultaneously the worst and best thing I’ve ever heard.”

“You’re welcome.”

Riley feels her feet hit the cool cobblestones of the main walkway, the lights of the city edging up over the hedges beyond. She pauses, her heartbeat loud in her chest, a sounding drum for the bridge in their lopsided melody. Maxwell halts along with her, his eyes falling on hers in a question.

“Let’s steal a car,” she says.

He doesn’t miss a beat. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Well — I mean, first of all you’d have to find a car to steal, and then you’d have to know how to steal it, and then there’s the matter of the King’s Guard.” Maxwell is rubbing gentle circles against her shoulder blade with his thumb. Riley’s not even sure if he’s aware he’s doing it, but her heart swells. “So like, once you get past all of that stuff. Sure.”

“Doesn’t Liam have like a hundred cars or something? What’s the point of being royal if you don’t have a hundred cars?”

“What’s the point indeed.”

“And the second part — we can just google that.” She frowns. “Wait, shit. I don’t have my phone. Do you have yours?”

“Yeah, but service is notoriously terrible at the palace.”

“Again, what is the fucking point of being royal.”

“Pretty much nothing when you put it that way.”

She sighs, letting her head fall against his shoulder, shoes swinging from tired fingers. “What if we just call an Uber and go home?”

“What’s… Uber?”

Riley jerks her head back up, suddenly too exhausted for this. “No, do nottell me that Cordonia doesn’t have Uber. I will personally march back into that goddamn ballroom and scream in Liam’s face until he calls the fucking CEO himself and gets that shit set up, I’m not even kidding, I am dead serious—”

Maxwell is laughing, eyes alight with that all too familiar mischief, and she feels herself slump back against him. “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

“Of course we have Uber,” He’s got his phone out in his free hand, the glow of the screen illuminating his smile. “You’re too easy, you know that?”

“I’m not easy,” Riley grumbles against his shoulder. He kisses the top of her head.

“Whatever you say.”

Their driver looks thoroughly unimpressed upon arrival, despite the resplendent glamour of the palace behind them. As Maxwell opens the door for Riley, the driver gives her a look through the open window.

“No shoes, no shirt, no service.”

Riley holds up her heels, now dangling from a single finger. “Shoes.” She nods towards Maxwell, who’s trying not to laugh at her. “Shirt.”

“Well, I’m charging extra if you make a mess,” the man grumbles, turning back towards the road. Riley drops down into the backseat in a huff.

“You know he’s like, basically a Duke?” she says loudly, leaning forward and making eye contact in the rear-view mirror. Maxwell slides in on his side and pulls her back, and she scrunches up her face, but leans in against his shoulder anyway. “What? You are.”

“Bertrand’s the Duke, not me. It’s much less impressive with the qualifier.” The driver has fully tuned them out at this point, and Riley closes her eyes, reaching down to fold Maxwell’s hand in hers as he shuts his door.

“Okay, but what if some terrible accident befalls Bertrand?”

“Title goes to his heir.”

Riley laughs. “What heir?”

“Um — I mean like, hypothetically, if he had a child with a secret fling who consequently went into hiding somewhere like, I don’t know, France or whatever. Then, y’know — heir.”

“Sounds juicy,” Riley murmurs. “We can only dream of Bertrand leading such a dramatic lifestyle.”

“Mhmm.” Maxwell sighs. “More like a nightmare.”

The further they get from the palace, the more Riley feels the tension of the coronation night slipping away from her. It’s a welcome relief, a lightness in her shoulders and in her heart that she hasn’t felt in weeks. Maxwell is warm against her side, and she can feel her eyelids getting heavier as the streetlights become fewer and far-between.

“Max?” she says quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything.”

He turns to look at her, and she blinks up at him from her spot nestled into his side, hoping he understands exactly what she means.

She’s half asleep when they finally pull in at the Beaumont estate, her shoes still loosely clutched in one hand as she emerges, bleary-eyed, from the car. Maxwell is a few steps away, fiddling with the payment on his phone, and she watches him illuminated in the glow of the screen.

He looks up finally, catching her staring. “What?”

“Nothing, I just…” she sucks in a deep breath, chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m glad this is happening. You and me.”

“Yeah,” He offers her his arm and she takes it, the two of them heading up the walkway to the entrance. “’We’re in love and we’re running away together,’ right?”

“That was — look, it was thematically appropriate phrasing at the time, okay?”

He slips his hand into hers, fingers falling into place like they were always meant to. “You would be a terrible poker player Riley.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The door opens before they’ve even made it up the stairs, one of the staff members emerging from behind with a demure bow. Maxwell pauses in a brief moment of panic, watching as her eyes flick between their clasped hands and Riley’s disheveled appearance.

“Lord Beaumont, Lady Aldridge,” she says carefully, “We didn’t expect you back this early. Everyone’s been following the coronation proceedings on television.” Her tone is pointed as she raises one deliberate eyebrow. “Very interesting waiting to see which of his suitors the prince will choose.”

Riley feels the heat in her face, but Maxwell is moving again, pulling her after him, taking the stairs two at a time.

“That’s great, that’s wonderful,” He’s talking even faster than he’s walking, striding past the judgmental gaze with each word. “Then you’ll know the whole thing was terribly stuffy. Huge bore. Not our kind of scene at all, old nobles and all that. Figured we would just get the highlights later, leave the ceremony to Bertrand.”

The woman shuts the entrance doors behind them, the air of propriety still heavy around her even as Maxwell practically drags Riley down the hallway and out of her presence. “My apologies sir, the Duke informed us that you wouldn’t be back for several days, otherwise I would have prepared —”

“Don’t worry about it!” Maxwell chimes back, already halfway through another doorway as Riley hurries after him. “I’ll let you know if I need anything!”

Riley kicks the door shut behind them, sinking down into a nearby couch and dropping her shoes on the side table. “Jesus,” she says dryly, “Suddenly I’m thankful for my common upbringing.”

“It’s not the worst thing she’s caught me doing, that’s for sure,” Maxwell runs a hand through his hair. “But given the circumstances… I guess it ranks.”

“Ooo, storytime?”

Maxwell drops down next to her on the couch, wrapping an arm around the back so his fingertips brush her shoulder. “Only if you’re lucky.”

She kisses his cheek. “I’m always lucky. What room is this?”

“It’s a parlor room,” He answers. “No one should come in here — at least, none of the staff.” He glances over, sheepish. “Or Drake.”

Riley laughs, but it turns into a yawn midway through. “You and your staff… sir.”

“Lady.”

She grins, reaching up to brush the hair off his forehead, fingers lingering along the side of his face. “Is she going to tell on us?”

“Oh, absolutely.” He catches her hand, kissing the inside of her wrist. “This is some prime gossip; I imagine she’s already sent out a news bulletin.”

“I can see the headline,” Riley yawns again, leaning into his side. “’Desperate Love Affair Exposed: King’s Former Suitor Caught Barefoot with Almost-Duke.’”

He makes a face. “Don’t focus on the barefoot, that makes it sound foot fetish-y.”

“Hmm, okay… ‘Waitress Gets Biggest Tip of Her Life’?”

“God, Riley, seriously?”

Riley closes her eyes, her laughter just barely audible. “S’like a bad porno.”

“There’s your headline,” Maxwell says.

She blinks one eye open, blearily looking up at him. “I can’t believe the one time we’re actually alone… and all I wanna do is sleep with you.”

A pause, then she adds, “Like, the sleeping kind.”

He laughs, eyes bright. “I gathered.”

“But the other kind too,” She sighs, tucking her feet up. “Gonna jump you in the morning, okay?”

“Mmhm,” he replies, resting his head on hers as she nestles in against him, “And we can get brunch.”

“Waffles.”

“Belgian waffles.”

“And mimosas.”

“And pineapple.”

In a moment of clarity, she sits up, touching his shoulder until he looks back at her, their faces a breath apart.

“Hey,” she says, voice suddenly low, “I don’t wanna make this weird, or weirder than it already is, but I just need you to know —“

He shakes his head almost imperceptibly. “You don’t have to say it. We have time. We’ll have so much time to say it.”

She lets out a breath of nervous air. “Do you think… do you think we’re gonna be good? I mean, with everything going on and all this stuff… do you think there’s a happy ending for us?”

He kisses her forehead, pulls her closer in to his side. “Why would you want an ending?”

Her heart swells with something deep and gentle, a touch not unlike the drowsy tug of sleep already pulling her from reality. And maybe that’s what this is — a break, a piece of time pulled separate from the rest. A little moment all their own.

She closes her eyes, already halfway to a dream.

#trr fanfic #playchoices fanfic #mc x maxwell #maxwell x mc #the royal romance #trr #my fic #ok now that those are out of the way #big shoutout to all who have said nice things about the parts before this #i love u guys ur real ones #like truly it does mean so much to me #i dont wanna clog peoples dashes with reblogs but i try to respond to all my asks and/or replies bc they genuinely fill me with such love #idk if ill write more for these two in this world #maybe with a very large timeskip #but for now its time for my driam fic so god knows when that will get finished at this rate #long post

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sammie-skele-turtle-blog · 7 years

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This is a story about a run down, insecure Tony, and a helping, at first bad, but very soon awesome bro Steve. Set in an AU where winter soldier and civil war doesn't or hasn't happened yet.

Tonys had a rough day. First his morning meeting turns into a " Let's bash Tony session ". Next, he had a old, grudgful reporter give a false report on him supposedly being seen walking around drunk, yelling profanities and all the most horribly inappropriate comments at everyone. Men, women, and children alike. ( How cliche is that? ) Of course people believed her.. And it just terrifies him to think what the avengers will say and do. He had a LITERAL angry mob after him. ( Which he luckily escaped. Even more cliche ) The one good hotdog vender wouldn't sell to him ( which is worse considering he hasn't eaten in four days ) . Then, THEN, People had the nerve, the gull to call him the worst possible words under the sun. ( Revenge for what they thought he did. )

The sad thing is? He believes them. He believes every word and believes he deserves it.

So now he's trudging back to his tower, people mumbling and snickering. Tony's posture was slumped, but he still wore his usual obnoxious glasses. Just so no one questioned anything.

Someone sticks their foot out in front of him, and being lost in thought, ( thinking of all the upgrades and projects for SI, S.H.I.E.L.D, and the avengers instead of food and sleep ), he trips. He can't catch himself. He falls down ungracefully, a 'oof' escaping him. People laugh. " Pfft, wow, can't even catch himself when falling? Some hero. Why do they keep him around anyway? He's just a glorified engineer! " Someone says, causing more snickers and scoffs to erupt.

Tony had to bite his lip to hold in his sigh of resignation. It was true. Thats all he was. And honestly, he was just waiting for them to realize that, to leave him.

Tony stands up without a word, and keeps walking. His shoulders are a bit higher up in a slump than before. He could usually keep up his mask a bit more easily, but he hasn't slept in 78 hours, his stomach ached from being so empty, people have been hating him MORE than usual, which he honestly thought was impossible.

Tony soon arrives at the tower. He sighs to himself. ' Suck it up! People go threw worse everyday! Your fine. Just get to the lab. You'll be fine.. ' Tony thinks. He goes threw the door, and to the elevator. " Hello Sir. " Jarvis instantly greets. Tony smiles slightly. " Hey J. Take me to the lab.. K? " Tony says. There's silience, almost as if he's hesitating, before Jarvis says " I must advise against that Sir.. You haven't eaten in approximately 80 hours, and haven't slept in 78. I advise you get some food, then head to bed.. "

Tony chuckles. Funny. An AI cares for him more then actual people.. " J. I can't sleep yet. I still have work to do.. I can't slack now. Besides, if I don't finish up, I'll NEVER get out of this consulting job.. " Yes. Tony was never told he was a full Avenger now, and knowing S.H.I.E.D, if they dont say your something, your not that something. So he believed he was still a consultant. " But I'll go grab an apple. Just for you. " Tony says.

" Very good Sir " Jarvis says, though there's still a underline of concern. " Alright, up to the common floor. " Tony says. The elevator moves, and withen a moment, the elevator comes to a gentle stop. " Thanks J. " Tony says. " Of course Sir " Jarvis says, as the elevator doors open. He steps out, the door instantly closing behind him.

His lifted ( hah, get it? Lifted? Elevator? Hahaha- ok I'll shut up ) mood caused by Jarvis instantly drops to dread, anxiety, maybe even fear, as he sees Steve. To make matters worse, he was watching the news.. And the ding from the elevator alerted him that he was there. Steve turns to him. He gulps slightly, shuffling on his feet.

" Sta.. Tony.. " Steve says. He avoids sounding harsh, after seeing the usually ( seemingly ) confident man practically radiating nervousness. " I need an explanation.. " Tony gulps again. " Is it true..? Did you REALLY act so stupidly and irresponsibility that you'd get drunk, go out, and yell inappropriate profanities at everyone? I mean I know you got drunk in your suit before but.. God, Tony, This is ridiculous! " Steve says ' He believes it.. Of course he would! Its your fault anyway, you've always made horrible decisions, there just finally catching up to you. ' Tony thinks. Tony doesn't know what to say. Would Steve believe him if he said no? Steve sighs. " I'll take that as a yes.. Geez, what were you thinking? I thought you were over that kind of stuff. I guess I was wrong. " Steve says, his dissapointment coming off him in waves.

Tony HATES when one of them were disappointed with him, it was horrible. Now usually Bruce would jump to his defense, but he was with Betty. Thor was in Asgard, and Clint and Natasha were on a mission assigned by S.H.I.E.L.D, so they were completly out of question.

Tony whimpers quietly. A small tremor travels threw him. God he was just so exhausted! He couldn't take it much longer..

Sadly Steve hadn't noticed yet. " When are you going to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat? We don't need this at the moment, Tony. I mean, honestly, it's a suprise you haven't been reprimanded yet! I didn't want to believe them when they said we only needed the suit, but I'm starting to- "

A sob interrupts him, shocking the Shield weilding hero. Instead of being met with a sarcastic comment, he sees Tony trembling. The tremors are so obvious now, tears escaping and cascading their way down his cheeks. " I.. I didn't do that! I swear, I'd never do that again. I haven't drank since I messed up at my birthday party! I'd, I wouldn't.. " A sob stops him from finishing.

Steve takes a moment to examine him. He notices, with a jolt of shock, just how tired, vulnerable he looks now. The bags under his eyes seem to almost darken. His shoulders were slumped, shaking from his cries. He's noticeably quite frail looking as well. ' When was the last time he slept? Or ate for that matter? ' Steve thinks.

Tony gathers himself enough to continue " I-I haven't even gone out much! I've only been going to my- " Tony takes a staggering breath. His heart was racing. " Missions, my meetings, interviews about what happened on our missions. I've been in the lab, upgrading our weapons and my armor, doing projects for the company, S.H.I.E.L.D, and the Avengers, I wouldn't even have time for that. God, Steve, Please.. I didn't do that! I wouldn't mess up now, when it actually seems like I could quit being just a consultant and be a real avenger.." It was finally out. It slipped out.

Now Steve's confused " But.. You ARE an Avenger Tony. " Steve says. Tony shakes his head rapidly. " No, no just a consultant, M'not a Avenger.. " Tony says, as another cry interrupts him. Shock runs threw Steve once more. ' What? But.. God. He must be so stressed. No wonder he's isolated himself lately. He thinks he has to prove himself or something. He's more of a team player than I thought.. God he looks so worn down.. ' Steve thinks. Tony continues, obviously taking Steve's silence in a bad way

" I swear, I'll fix this, I'll work extra hard, I'll act better, but I swear I didn't do that! This, this reporter had a grudge from when I ruined her report when I-I accidentally flew into the camera after getting, after getting thrown at her by that weird robot last month.. " Tony says. He's so desperate to fix this.

" Please just, just don't be dissapointed, I know its my fault she's mad but Im gonna fix it, I- "

" Stop " Steve finally says, having his gut feel like it was punched enough today. Tony shuts his mouth, a small ' Click ' coming from his teeth. He noticably panics slightly. The look of fear, panic and shame that was in his eyes reflected perfectly on his face. Steve felt horrible, the fear shining in his eyes was his most noticeable emotion, and god Steve couldn't take looking at his kicked puppy dog eyes anymore! Tony started to try and splutter out another apology, another explanation to correct his wrong, wiping furiously at his tears as his breath speeds up slightly, before Steve interrupts him.

" Tony, I shouldn't have suspected that you'd do that. You've obviously cleaned yourself up, and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions when you didn't answer. Your obviously drowning in responsibility, some that shouldn't be on your shoulders. I shouldn't have brought up the suit, you deserve that, you built it in a CAVE, and we need you. Your the only one who can fly that suit, monuver and control and fight like you do, and most importantly your our friend. God, how have I not noticed how worn down you are? " Steve asks

" I-its not your job to notice.. " Tony mumbles, obviously trying to reassure Steve. Usually something like that would have warmed Steve's heart, but all it did was bring more guilt, and it just made Tony look more pitiful because he was plain as day still ashamed and panicked and afraid but instead of focusing on himself, he was focusing on Steve. ' I can't believe I ever thought he was selfish.. Even with his masks maybe if I'd payed attention instead of just thinking I knew him from first impressions.. '

Tony seemed to notice Steve's momentary mental termoil, and the panic and shame heighten slightly. " Steve, I'm sorry, really, but I-you shouldn't- " No, I should! I'm your leader, your friend, even if I haven't been the best one to you lately. I should be watching over how you are and how your doing. I always have with the others, but I was biased and just assumed the great Tony Stark wouldn't

need my help. That you'd blow off my concern with the most disrespectful comments I've ever heard come out of a man. "

Tony flinches slightly at that, and looks down. " I'm, I'm sor- " Steve interrupts him before he can apologize. " But I was wrong. I should have watched you more closely. Your a citizen Tony. A genius with a arc reactor and a battle ready armor with billions of dollars but a citizen none the less. You weren't trained for this, and I should have known. I should have seen something was wrong.. God Tony I'm so sorry. " Steve says.

Tony goes to tell him its fine, that he shouldn't worry about it because its normal. Because he's used to it so why worry? And besides he's pretty sure Steve wasn't exactly trained for this stuff either. Although, Steve does something then that totally surprises and catches him off gaurd. Steve hugs him. Its.. Nice. Warm and full of worry and unspoken apologies. So of course Tony hugs him back. He knows he doesn't deserve it and that he should back off but he can't. " We'll fix this. I promise. You don't have to keep working, I'll help you out.. And I'll make sure everyone knows the truth. " Tony tightens his grip in the hug.. ' Was he really willing.. '

" Now.. How long has it been since you've ate and slept? " Steve asks, remembering very well how frail and run down Tony looks at the moment.

Before Tony can lie himself out, because even with their previous touching moment he's sure Steve will become aggravated or SOMETHING, but of course, cutting him off, Jarvis says " Sir hasn't eaten in approximately 80 hours, and hasn't slept in 78. I suggest sitting him down, making some food, and making sure sir relaxes. " " Traitor.. " Tony mumbles. He glances up at Steve sheepishly, and can't help the relief washing over him as Steve snickers, instead of rolling his eyes, or worse, pushing him away in exasperation, as others have done.

Steve leads Tony to the couch, an arm still hung around Tony's shoulders. " Put on a movie. I'll make some food. What would you like? " " Grilled cheese " Tony instantly responds. " Aren't you- " " Your NEVER to old for grilled cheese!.. And put some tomatoes in it please..? " Tony says, his sheepish feeling swirling in his tone. Steve chuckles at his small outburst.

" Sure Tony.. " Steve says. He walks to the kitchen, and prepares his and Tony's food. When he walks back, Tony is watching a movie. He turned on Wall-e. Luckily Steve already knew this movie. " Disney? " Steve says. " Once again. Never to old " Tony says, as he grabs his sandwich with a nod and smile of gratitude.

After ten minutes, Tony says " Hey Steve.. Don't tell Fury I was slacking off.. OK? " Tony mumbles. Steve freezes. " Slacking..? " He looks over at Tony, and sees the way the man tenses up. " Well, I, uh, kinda had some projects I needed to get done for S.H.I.E.L.D. There's new blue prints for the engine and propellers, they've been really loud lately, and they've been stuttery, then they need new training bots, and the criminals almost got out of the cells to I need to figure out a way to reenforce those and make sure theres no time lapse when they close the cell door, and- " " When are they due? " Steve asks. " What..? " Tony asks, oh so very intelligently. " When are they due? The projects? " Tony noticably gulps slightly, and lowers his head. " Tomorrow.. " Tony mumbles, so quietly that Steve only heard thanks to his enhanced hearing. A small tinge of Tony's earlier feelings return. Before Tony can go into another panicked explanation, Steve says " Were there other projects? And not just for S.H.E.I.L.D. " Steve asks. Tony pauses to think. " Um.. Well.. 10.. This week.. The uh, ones I was just mentioning would have added to the list.. " Steve let's out a small huff. " Sure Tony, I won't tell. " Tony lets out a sigh of relief. " Thanks. " Yep, him and Fury were gonna have WORDS.

Thirty minutes later Tony was passed out. Steve picks up the plates, and sets them in the sink. He'd clean them later. " Hey Jarvis, turn off the movie OK? And get the elevator ready.. I'm bringing Tony up to his room. " " Thank you, Sir " Jarvis says. Steve honestly still questioned how he got so used to Jarvis. And how a computer program could sound so concerned..

Steve walks back into the living room, and lifts Tony up bridal style, since he figured that would be the most comfortable position. Tony mumbles something about AI's and a grumpy toaster who doesn't like frozen waffles, causing another chuckle to erupt in Steve. He walks over to the opened elevator doors, and goes threw them. Once in, Steve feels the elevator go up. When the doors open, Steve walks into Tony's room, and sets him on his bed, pulling the blanket over him, right after taking off his shoes. Tony rolls onto his side. " Than's Stebe.. " Tony mumbles groggily. Steve smiles. " Ya.. Your welcome Tony. " Steve says, ruffling his hair, and he leaves his room.

Steve feels his chest warm slightly when he turns his head to see Tony sleeping soundly. He was happy, he finally understood what was going on. He saw a side of Tony that few get to see. This would definitely help the team dinamic, and his friendship with Tony. Yeah, so now, he's definitely planning out how he'll fix all the recent wrongs done on Tony.

And ya know, if suddenly Tony had less work on his agenda, and less hate mail and passages in articles centering on the smallest things he did, if suddenly the reporter admitted she lied and was soon fired, if Steve and Tony suddenly were closer friends, if suddenly Fury laid off him a bit.. And if suddenly the guy who had tripped and said those horrible things to him suddenly came up to him with a nervous apology as Steve stood behind him with a comforting hand on his shoulder and a blazing glare set on the guy..

Well, none of them mentioned it.

OK so, first off, I'm not saying this would happen. I'm not saying Tony would react like this. I know strong people break down in stressed situations, so I went off that. This is purely self indulgent, so please don't be rude and make hateful comments. I'm sorry for any errors. I hope you enjoyed :)

Also, please do not repost and say you wrote this story, please say I wrote this story. Do not tag this as a shipment between the two. This is meant to show them as FRIENDS. Thanks you.

HEY GUYS I EDITED AND MADE IT LONGER AND ALITTLE BETTER ITS STILL CRAP BUT ITS BETTER XD

#tony needs a hug #he had a bad day #jarvis is awesome #not steve bashing #obvious by the second half #steve is an amazing bro #sleepy tony #insecure tony #worried tony #hungry tony #tony gets tooken care of #and tucked in #jarvis is pleased #yay!!

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways.

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard.

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being.

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like 17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy.

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand.

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head.

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing.

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people.

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked.

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing.

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that.

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them.

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life.

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself.

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life.

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