#im too tired to even cry anymore i just dont give a fuck
Text
When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#going to vent here bc too heavy stuff to directly relay on my friends but im in the uk so i cant just get a therapist#anyway#i have become. so insanely depressed recently. bc my physical health has been declining and thats also taking a mental toll on me#i dont use depressed lightly. ive been officially diagnosed with clinical depression before and then it was gone for about a year#but boy oh boy its Back#and all my mental problems came back bc my physical health decided to just peace out. and now my mental and physical health are making-#each other worse#physically i have become so tired 24/7 that i just cant do anything other than work (because i need that to live)#and i dont know why! my body just stopped having energy! for months and months now. ive just been working and being in pain and sleeping#<- but also having insomnia so more like laying in bed and watching something to not die of boredom#i dont even work that much anymore. just my contracted hours. and i can see my coworkers handle it fine. they have time and energy to do-#things they want to do and not just live to work. but thats all im doing bc the moment im off the clock im taking my cane out to limp home-#and collapse in bed#i have a doctors appointment on thursday and if they tell me that its just from stress or smth im going to flip#bc no it fucking isnt!! theres no stress in my life other than the fact that my health is giving up#sure yeah my mental health is crap BECAUSE of the fatigue and the pain. not the other way around. so order some tests or i will kill#im already getting myself worked up bc ive been waiting a month and half just for this gp appointment#and i know theres a good chance they are going to wave it off with some stupid excuse instead of actually trying to find out whats wrong#if i dont get medical attention to solve this i might legit just off myself. im barely living as is. work is not living. i want to cry 24/7#everything hurts so much
1 note
·
View note
Text
Make-up S€x..
Bill Kaulitz
-MUTUALS WHO FLWD ME FOR FASHION PLS IGNORE THIS OMDS-
warnings : s€x , fighting/arguing, sad start (great end😊)
You were at your apartment, waiting for Bill to come home.
He was always getting home late nowadays, barely paying attention to you, even though you tried to let him know multiple times that you felt neglected.
He told you he would be home by 11pm on the dot, he sweared he wouldnt be late this time.
Wasnt a surprise that it was already 1am and he still wasnt in your sight.
Around 1:54am he barged in, not even saying hello, before dropping his bag and his jacked straight on the floor and going to bed.
He knew this bothered you but he couldnt give less of a shit.
You walked up to him, about to confront him, but he didnt even look at you, you were on the edge of breaking into tears.
You sat down next to him, trying to spit a word out of your mouth without crying.
“Bill..” you mumbled, your voice all quiet and shakey.
No reply.
“Bill!” you said, a bit louder this time.
Still no reply.
“Oh for fucks sake, Bill!” you angered, raising your voice enough for him to finally look at you, but you could tell he was already tired of you talking to him.
“Bill..” you let out another mumble.
“What?” he replied harshly
“Talk to me..” you begged
He didnt even budge, he was too tired to make an effort.
“You said youd be home by 11.. its almost 2am..” you said, waiting for a reply… but he just stared at you.
Finally he sighed, replying.
“I got busy”
Why has he been so cold and ignoring..? you thought to yourself.
“I was worried” you whispered, almost breaking into tears on the spot, you knew he was lying, you knew he was just having fun with his friends.
“You should be used to it by now” he replied coldly, tearing your heart apart.
You couldnt hold it back anymore and you let the tears shed.
He sat up, snapping back to reality.
You walk out of the room, not wanting him to see you cry.
He follows.
You sit down on the couch in the livingroom, curling up.
He sits down next to you.
“L..listen.. i didnt mean to hurt you.. ive been busy.” he stuttered.
“Bill, i know youve just been out with your friends, i know damn fucking well youre not busy!” you cried.
“Ive been worrying my ass off, you sweared youd be home on time.. Im not your mom, i cant stop you from coming home late, but you can do the bare minimum and make an effort to be home the same day atleast!” you wiped your tears.
He sighs.
“Y/N i just want to live life until i can! im only young now!” he says.
“Bullshit.” you sigh. “You lie too, theres no point.”
“Bill, you have to understand im young too! And i happen to want to live my life with you! I make efforts, i dont want to beg for your love.”
He feels his heart break as you say that.. did he really hurt you that much?
“Im.. im..” he couldnt seem to get the words out of his mouth..
You zip your sweater down, youre getting hot from crying so much, and Bills body heat is making you feel hotter.
He looks at you as if he saw an angel fly by, you looked gorgeous, but he knew he shoudlnt focus on that, however his eyes were gkued to your chest.
“Im..” he mumbles.
“Youre what, Bill? Is it really that fucking hard?” you mumble, not loud enough to make it clear to him what you said..
“W-what..?! I-Im not.. hard? I..” he tried fighting down what he thought your assumptions are.
You look him up and down, rolling your eyes.
“I- i mean! i… oh god” he stutters.
“Youre a fucking idiot..”
You walk back into the bedroom.
He follows once again.
You lay down on your side of the bed, he lays down on his, facing you.
“Im sorry..” he finally spits out.
“Wasnt so hard now was it?”
He looks down, ashamed.
You turn over, you dont want to see his face right now.
He glides his hands down your stomach, pulling you closer.
“Can i make it up to you?”
His words gave you butterflies, but you didnt reply, you just wanted him to read your mind.. or your body language.
He glides his hands even lower, finally touching the bottoms of your pyjamas.
God, his hands are so gentle..
He pats your thighs a bit before bringing his hands back up and tucking on the string of your pyjama bottoms.
“Can i?”
You nod.
He unties the string, sliding his hands underneath your pyjama bottoms.
He can feel how wet you already are.
Your breathing gets heavier and heavier by the second.
You arch your back, begging for some spark, begging him to finger you.
—————————————————————————
You can barely catch your breath , as he thursts his cock in and out of you at such a fast pace that youre surprised you can even keep up.
With each thurst he slides his cock just to the very tip, only to slam it right back in.
He moans with each thurst, your noises align.
He feels as if he cant control himself…
He can feel both of you reaching your climaxes.
“Hold onto me.. okay? Fuck…”
“Close?” he whines.
You nod, moaning heavily.
“Me too baby, me too..”
He continues, not missing a single beat from the rythm.
Not long after hes on the edge of finishing.
“I..Im.. fuck..”
He tries speaking again.
“Im gonna.. cum..”
He moans as he says the last word, releasing his seed inside of you, making you finish aswell.
He makes sure to fuck his cum into you, not wasting a single drop.
—————————————————————————
You guys cuddle in bed, resting after whatever just happened.
“Im sorry” He whispers.
You pull him closer as an answer.
“I promise on my life i wont be late again.. im sorry..”
He kisses you, caressing your head, before both of you fall asleep.
—————————————————————————
Alright i hope u guys liked that! sorry the smut part was short:(
Also i apologize for the spelling mistakes and all that, im hungarian and i dont know how to spell fancy words, ykwim?
Tried my best! Love u!
#bill kaulitz#bill kaulitz x reader#georg listing#gustav schäfer#tokio hotel#tom kaulitz#smut#bill kaulitz smut#tokio hotel smut
261 notes
·
View notes
Note
well... how abouuuttt "why dont you ever listen to me?" with a ghoul of your choice, maybe the other ghoul is mad at dew, or maybe dew is upset, maybe because hes been trying to communicate that hes struggling ajd the others havent picked up on it, and he just wants it to stop. idk im not that good at coming up with prompts on the spot but i hope this is a good enough idea!! 🤷
Hi it’s been ….. we aren’t going to talk about how long it’s been.
But I hope you enjoy, yall seem to love when I give Dew problems (don’t worry I love it too)
Slapping aether in here because it hurts
Anyways, cirrus makes a joke, dew needs a hug and aether is a very supportive boyfriend
-
Dew doesn’t know when it began to bother him.
He sat on the couch nonchalantly watching some horror movie cirrus had thrown on. The exorcist? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t think he really cares.
“Careful cir, you’ll give him nightmares” aether teased
“He is the nightmare” cirrus rolled her eyes in a response, a playful smile at her lips. It was a joke.
His chest feels hollow as aether ruffles his hair. Something about it didn’t feel right. A normal quip that would have him saying something stupid in response, or simply giving her the finger, suddenly didn’t have the same feeling to it.
He swallowed heavy, the salvia only added to the pit in his stomach.
It’s a gross feeling, something between knowing he’s overreacting and wanting to cry at the thought that they actually think he’s a nuisance. Both are untrue, the logical part in his brain tries to convince him but it doesn’t stop the tears that sting in the back of his eyes, the flush in his face or the way his head feels like it’s full of starch.
It was a joke.
He’s overreacting, he’s certain of it but he can’t stop himself from getting up and walking away without his usual banter.
“Dew? What’s up?” Aether calls after him, following him into the bathroom.
Dew shakes his head to save his dignity. His voice will shake and crack, he knows if he even tries to say he’s ok a sob will rack his body and he won’t be able to contain himself anymore.
He’s embarrassed because he’s overreacting and he’s clutching the sink as aether puts a supportive hand on his back but it feels patronizing because he knows he’s overreacting and he’s-
“Did we say something?”
Dew sobs. Quick, choked off like it wasn’t supposed to come out because it wasn’t. Because he’s overreacting and he shouldn’t be acting like this. Because it was a joke and he’s making a scene because he can’t help but overthink everything.
“Dew, it was a joke” aether embraces him, lightly to not overwhelm him, but he can’t leave him like this. Dew barely lets go of his vice grip on the counter top to let aether pull him into himself. “She didn’t mean it, we thought you liked jokes like that”
He doesn’t. He’s said that.
Dew shakes his head and pushes away from aether enough to speak.
The crack in his voice makes him wince as he chokes and gasps the sobs back to try and get out what he’s saying without being a complete mess, but it’s pathetic anyways, he feels like a child. The way aether stares in concern makes him feel like a petulant toddler throwing a fit.
“I can’t stand them anymore. I’ve said this”
“Have you?” Aether asks, genuinely. The fact that he’s being genuine almost makes it hurt more. He wishes aether would just let him be dramatic and leave him alone.
“Why don’t you ever listen to me?” Dew all but wails. He’s louder than he means to be, another sob ringing out in the middle of his sentence. Aether looks confused and concerned, like dew has actually lost it this time, over a joke no less.
“I am, I am listening to you droplet, tell me what’s wrong”
It feels patronizing, dew knows aethers not trying to be but the frustration builds anyways.
“I’m tired aeth, I’m tired of you all acting like you hate me. No one ever acts like they genuinely like or want to be around me and it’s fucking heart wrenching” dew cries
“Water bug you know i-“ aether shakes his head, remorseful.
“No, aether you don’t understand. You all keep saying you hate me. It stings. I don’t know what to do I don’t understand why I’m the only one not worthy of kindness” dew clings to aethers shirt like if he lets go aether will disappear and stop listening to him.
“Dewdrop I’m sorry I didn’t know-“
“Stop please just - I don’t get it” dew sobs. He leans his head into aethers shirt, fist fulls of fabric brought up to his face as aether embraces him tightly.
Dew just weeps, a dam of emotions he can’t bare to vocalize comes out in tearful pleas instead.
“I don’t get it. I’m sorry. Please listen I’m sorry. I don’t understand” the demands come out in choked off cries, forceful sounds racking his small frame as aether hugs him tightly to try and get him to stop shaking.
Aether lowers them to the floor, holds dew in his lap and tries to soothe him.
“You’re not being dramatic, I’m sorry. We love you so much and I’m sorry we don’t say that” aether whispers into his hair.
Dew starts to quiet down as aether traces shapes into his back, the distraction well needed. He clings and listens and tries to focus on whatever aether is dragging into his skin with the tip of his fingers.
“So sorry waterbug, you’re ok, I love you so much. You’ve done nothing wrong”
Dew realizes what the shapes are.
He’s tracing hearts into his back.
#time to give dew pain again#I’m sorry man idk. love that thing but consider: I give him all my problems#also the important note of no one’s in the wrong here#sometimes communication is hard and so are emotions#aether would die for him ok? so would cirrus#the band ghost#ghost#fanfic#nameless ghouls#ghost bc#wrath writes#dewdrop ghoul#aether ghoul#angst
94 notes
·
View notes
Note
HEY HEY HEY LOVERRRR5🥰🥰🥰
dawg these r one of the worst ideas ive ever had but wtvvvv
IMMA ORDER UHHHH MILKSGAKE AND FRIES ALONG WITH 20 PIECE CHICKEN NUGGETS(full band separate headcannons😋) who got a bf and he's not a model singer or anything bro and it gets out in the public but thing is the band doesn't necessarily care cuz half of the fandom was wayyy nicer back then(check the comments of bill being accused of liking men they were so supportive) but reader is freakin out cuz of the backlash the band is getting again which is barely any people
ok so reader is prolly pacing around in his room and what he's fr doing is practicing the break up out loud and spoiler alert a member walks in and only hears the part '(insert band member) we need to break up' and they're jus mad confused and hurt and reader is making up lies on why he wants to break up when the only reason is because he doesn't want them to fail as a band bro loves them too much
OH u can choose if the ending is good or bad(pls dont make me cry too much)
BAND X READER : BREAKING UP
hiii 😻 im so tired oml
BILL:
・He needed to ask you a favour.
・Most likely having to due with washing the hairspray out of his hair for him, since he was too lazy to do it himself
・He heard muffled voices comin from your room. He didn't want to eavesdrop but from what he could make out you sounded..worried or scared.
・Walks in your room, opening the door slowly so it doesn't creak.
・He watched you pace back and forth, your head in your hands. He stayed silent for a second, listening to you more carefully. Only to hear..
".. I'm sorry but..we need to break up, Bill."
・Oh. Oh.
・Stays silent for a minute before he shuffles on his foot, the sound of his shoe hitting th floor making you turn around with a small gasp.
"Bill! I thought you were out with-"
"M/N..what the hell were you saying?"
・Through sniffs and shaky breaths you'd explain how you just didn't want his career to be fucked, how you just wanted him to be safe
・He's arguing through tears, pointing out how truthfully nobody cares ever since it has gotten out you two were dating.
・He'd cry and sob and he would keep telling you that he loved you too much to let you go, how even if it messed up his career he'd always pick you.
・But..he was so disappointed you went to break up with him instead of talking it out.
"If you really want to break up them I guess.."
"Bill please I-"
"No. Stop."
・Walking out of the room holding back sobs and cries, running to the bathroom when he feels like he's gonna throw up.
TOM:
・He was actually going to tell you something too!
・What? Did you forget it was your guy's one year anniversary?
yess im doing tha idc if its dumb
・Wanted to ask you about your favorite restaurants so he could pinpoint a location.
・Only thing best for M/N, right?
・Anyways, walking towards your room he can't help but keep the grin off his face. He's already prepared a gift for you downstairs.
・He's hearing muffled noises from your room, so he thinks at first your just calling a friend. Cool, thats fine-
"Tom this just...isn’t working anymore."
・He stops mid step, grin fading off his face as his heart stops.
・He doesn't know how to feel.
・He feels sad and nauseous and angry all over, his body trembling a he gets overwhelmed with emotions
・Tales a second before barging in, watching you stop pacing an look at him with big eyes.
".. What?"
・He can hardly choke out, feeling a if his legs will give out on him. He feels like he's gonna fall and crash on the floor, curling up in a ball as he sobs
・He can't make out anything you're saying, only half listening to your continuous 'sorries' and pleas for him to just hear you out and listen.
"But Tom, all of the backlash and.. -"
"WHAT fucking backlash?!"
・He's mad mad. Can hardly look at you as tears well in his eyes. He can hardly make out your own face, you're all blurry in his vision.
・Storms out of your room, slamming the door and ignoring you when you scream and beg for him to come back
・He doesn't, and probably never will.
GEORG:
・He was bored, so tired of just sitting around the house all day!
・Wanted to bring you down to the lake, maybe have a picnic and listen to music...yeah that seemed nice. He knew you loved this lake, you'd always talk about it everytime you drove past it.
・Walking to your room, nearly skipping as he was going to tell you to put your boots on and get changed. It's been quite a long time since you have been out of the house yourself.
・You, on the other hand, weren't looking forward to hanging out with him right now. You weren't sure why you were so caught up about the fact dating him got out, nobody really cared.
・He was too giddy to knock, instead he strolled right on in with a big smile on his face. You were turned away, walking back and forth in your room as you muttered to yourself, although he could only make out a few words.
"..I can't do this with you anymore, Georg.."
・His heart drops at the same time his smile did, he feels like he's frozen in place. He can't move his legs, hands, nothing.
・Watching as you would look up at him as you stopped your steps, eyes tinted a shade of pink as your jaw was slightly dropped, neither of you being able to form words.
・Only takes a few seconds for your rambling to start, telling him your sorry and trying to make up an excuse.
"I..i was just practicing this thing for school about breaking up and-"
"That's such goddamn bullshit!"
・Can't look at you, hands giving to cover his face as his breathing is ragged. He'd stay quiet as you spoke, not absorbing anything.
・Doesn't bother to argue or intervene, just listening to your dumb excuses and desperate apologies that didn't mean anything to him anymore.
・Although if you mentioned something about your relationship being outed, he'd be furious. Doesn't quite show, he doesn't yell, but he's fuming.
・Truly doesn't get why you don't understand how much he loves you. So what if a few people dislike this? You were his boyfriend and you mattered to him so much..
・Well- you were his ex boyfriend now.
"If you wanted to break up you could've just said so! How long have you been feeling like this?"
・He's hurt and distraught and sad all at the same time, he's unable to process all of this.
・He doesn't actually say "We're breaking up" but it's so damn implied it felt like he was screaming it at you in the back of your head.
・Can't bother to look at that dammed lake anymore, taking another route if his original went past it.
GUSTAV:
・He wanted to watch your favorite movie with you today!
・He knew you have been stressed recently, although he didn't quite know why. He just wanted to be there for you and help you get through this.
・You didn't want him to help you at all though, huh?
・You've wanted to break it to him for the past couple weeks that you needed to seeperate from each other, but it was hard considering that's not what you truly wanted.
・Although you gained so much positive feedback when your relationship got outed, those snarky,rude comments were getting to you.
・Anyways...Gustav had already gotten the popcorn ready, along with some of your favorite candy. Skittles, chocolate, starbursts..
・He had set up everything perfectly in the living room, making sure it was all neat and gorgeous. He couldn't wait to see your eyes sparkle with joy!
・Walking to your room, whistling quietly under his breath. Slowly opening your door. You were faced away from him, which gave him the perfect opportunity to scream "SURPRISE" if he wanted to!
・Yet he wanted to wait, he could hear your voice tremble as yo whispered to yourself. He could make out hardly anything, but a few words stood out to him
"Gustav..we should break up."
・He felt like he'd been hit with a brick. His heart beat sped up and he wanted to vomit.
・You turned, feeling like something was watching you. You were right. There stood Gustav, frozen in place as he started at you with glossy eyes
・Tears pooled in his eyes. He felt as if all the moisture in his mouth suddenly disappeared and he found it hard to swallow. It was like there was a rock lodged in his throat.
"Gustav, I didnt-"
"..you didn't?"
・His voice was barley above a whisper and he had to hold back sobs. He couldn't stand properly, leaning against the bedroom door for security.
・He didn't know what he did wrong! Why didn't you love him..why did you want to leave him..did he do something?
・Listening to you make up lies, he wanted to believe them. He wanted to think he heard you wrong and that you meant something totally different.
・But no matter how hardvhe tried to ignore it, there was a voice in the back of his head telling him that the things you were spewing were bullshit.
・His body trembled as he hit back another sob as you went in to tell him that you just wanted his career to be safe and easy, for there to be no backlash or hate.
"Please, M/N. Just..stop."
・Doesn't say anything as he staggers out the room, tears streaming down his cheeks. He ignores your pleas of forgiveness and sobs to listen to you. He had already listened to you and you had lied again and again.
・Can't sleep for days, thinks that you lied about wanting his career to be okay and really he had done something wrong.
#hhhhhhhhhhh why did i put so muchhhhh#tokio hotel x reader#tokio hotel x male reader#tokio hotel x you#tokio hotel#bill kaulitz#bill kaulitz x male reader#bill kaulitz x you#bill kaulitz x reader#tom kaulitz#tom kaulitz x male reader#tom kaulitz x reader#tom kaulitz x you#tom kaulitz x y/n#georg listing x male reader#georg listing x reader#georg listing#gustav schäfer#gustav schäfer x male reader#gustav schäfer x reader#gustav schafer x reader
88 notes
·
View notes
Note
OMG i get to talk about khamgalai ive been dying to talk about khamgalai im so fucking mad at khamgalai
i have said stuff about it on this post (sorry im only putting it here cause i started looking for it on my blog and couldnt find it until i went through a post sorter site and i got so upset about it fhdglh so ill have it here just in case i guess) https://www.tumblr.com/tetsuooooooooooo/710065228547866624/anyway-anyone-wanna-hear-about-my-muriel-tired-of?source=share
aaaand liike i started replaying the route recently partially cause i wanted to find anything that would prove me wrong in this matter and i am only halfway through but its Not going GREAT
because it wouldve all been perfectly fine if they didnt choose to establish that she apparently knew the whole time where muriel was and what he was doing. i dont know how much she saw but like. she saw it.
cause this bitch really saw muriel. child muriel. baby. possibly last of her kin. fucking living out on the streets homeless starving getting kicked around god knows what happening to him
and went aw lemme get a snapshot for the family album and just LEFT HIM THERE
AND IM LIKE BITCH I THOUGHT YOU LIKE CARED ABOUT HIM OR SOMETHING I MEAN SHE FOOLED ME WITH ALL THAT CRYING AND THE THINGS SHE SAID WHEN WE MET HER THE FIRST TIME BUT GODDAMN I GUESS SHES JUST AS MUCH OF A "PAIN BUILDS CHARACTER" BOOMER AS MORGA
cause okay even if it was like future visions n shit like thats their magic thing theN LIKE YOU STILL KNOW MORE THAN YOU DID BEFORE YOU KNOW THERES A CITY IN THE NORTH NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AND WHERE HE CAN BE AND ITS A COUPLE WEEKS AWAY BUT YOURE A FUCKING NOMAD AND NOT THAT OLD YET
like WHAT is the reason she absolutely would not even attempt to come get him other than The Story Needs To Happen this is spiderverse all over again except now im on miles side i hate this hichjgs and like yeah ok the story needs to happen he needs to be the way he is and destiny and whatever but like when were in a story where we know theres a whole 5 other ways to go about solving this problem and its all choice oriented and stuff it kinda just. ya know. it doesnt glass my onions very much vnxviydy i dont know how to put it but u get it
and like
YOU THOUGHT WHAT?? WHAT THE SIGNAL CUT AFTER HE GOT OUT OF THE FUCKING CAGE HE WAS LIVING IN AND YOU COULDNT SEE HIM ANYMORE AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT THAT HE DIED??? girl dont FUCK with me you aint give a shit if he lived or died ok that was harsh im getting really heated this is so messy lol
its probably gonna turn out in a minute that she said something in the ghost realm that makes it make sense but i dont remember that all i recall is us hangin out and her calling me out for being a furry and them being all "u saw me over there and u still like me?" " aw of course i like u come give ghost grandma a hug" thats how i remember that going down fhxhyietfh so yeah ill find out soon enough
Ooh, I think I remember wondering about that when I last played Muriel's route! I'll leave it to other Muriel fans to share their thoughts on it too, since my memory is a bit fuzzy at the moment XD
@tetsuooooooooooo that makes total sense to be upset about though, especially when you're seeing all of this from Muriel's side! T~T I'll be curious to hear what you think as you keep playing the route! ^.^
#ask arcana brainrot#the arcana#muriel the arcana#muriel of the kokhuri#the arcana headcanons#the arcana hc#the arcana game
72 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hiding - Tony Stark x Fem!Reader (Fluff)
Hiding - Tony Stark x Fem!Reader (Fluff)
TW:Smoking,bit of Alcohol,Cursing
Tonys eye flicker through the big ballroom with the fanciest people to the fanciest food. The night was calm and cold,people talking while soft music played as white noise.The room filled with many different people,that you wouldnt usually see in one room,presidents,models,bussiness people and the list goes on.There was no lust or life to the party if we wanna put it that way or as Tony thought.He was tired of the people it was 12:13PM and the party started at 6:30PM,he has been walking from people to people,giving them the brightest smile,making sure that they were having fun.
He just sneaked out of a conversation with a guy with the excuse of going to the bathroom but he didnt needed to go there,so he immediately took the back door,not caring if the guy sees him.As he stepped outside,he closed the door behind him,it was quiet out here,though the music still could be heard in a muffled version.
His eyes almost immediately dart to the women,leaning on the fence,smoking a cigarette.He knew who it was,they were no strangers.He starts to walk over and lean on the fence next to her,waiting for her to say something,as he realizes that she wont he starts"pretty isnt it?"He said as he looked up at the dark sky,with a small smile in hopes with starting a conversation with her
She looks at Tony with a cold expression as after she blew the smoke out of her mouth,the smoke disappearing soon enough"What do you want?"She asks,Tony usually doesnt come to her so much cause of their history of being forced to be friends cause of their fathers,as they grew up and Tony father passed,theere was no reason to hang out anymore,since there was no one left to impress with their 'healthy bond'
"Quit that,y/n,i cant even look at you anymore?"Tony asks with a small smirk on his face as his gaze does not leave her.She rolls her eyes slightly taking a blunt again."Atleast can we chat?like i actually want to have something with you"Tony continuous as she blows the smoke out
She chuckles a little which caught Tony of a little,she turns her whole body to Tony,leaning on the fence with her hand which had the cigarette in it,the dress making clear lines of her beautiful curves,making out every part of her body,laying on her skin like it was painted on,a painting that would send Leonardo da Vinci home crying."Wierd way to say that you wanna fuck me then throw me away"She said,raising an eyebrow
Tony chuckled a bit but stayed quiet,he didnt really know what he wanted himself that much either."what cat got your tongue?"She teases,with a small smirk on her lips.His gaze still didnt leave y/n"Thats a gorgeous dress,by the way"Tony says,with a smile,speaking with a bit of a sass put into it
"thats all you got?"She asks,taking a blunt again,while raising an eyebrow again"yeah no…just the much talking with the people in there drained me"Tony admitted,shaking his head as he looked down at his foot"THE Tony Stark drained?Thats new!"She said with a small laugh.From her tone of voice and a bit of body language Tony could tell that she was a bit drunk herself
Tony looks up at y/n then a question pops into his mind"what are you doing out here anyway?"He asked tilting his head a bit to the side as he also furrowed his brows."Im hiding from a guy"She admits almost immediately,as she takes another blunt and then blows out a bit too quick,making her caught at the too much smoke in her lungs"That sounds familiar"He says,as he remembers that he is in the same boot as her,well kinda"Who is the guy?"He asks out of curiosity
"Some dude named Jared,he wants to dance with me even though i told him that i dont wanna dance with him"She says,bluntly,with an annoyed voice"and i got the feeling that he also wanted to sleep with me"She continues,looking up at the sky,then her eyes wall back to Tony"and do you wanna sleep with him?"Tony asks but also feeling the fact that he already knows the answer to that"No!Hes like super creepy"She says,furrowing her eyebrows"i told him in going to the bathroom like 30 minutes ago and im scared that he will found me"She says,taking a blunt from her cigarette then blowing the smoke out in the air in the other direction so it doesnt go into Tonys face,Tony turns around,to the Big glass double door to the ballroom,as he sees a guy in a red suit,looking around as walking closer to the door
"Is that him?"Tony asks from y/n as his gaze doesnt leave the guy,as he is getting closer to the door.Her head turns to the glass door and her eyes go widen,as she feels her heart miss a beat,it felt like she was a bit dramatic or was it the alcohol getting to her head?"YES"She says loudly,as she sees the guy notice her through the glass,geeting his hand on the door handle,she grabs Tonys suit jacket,making his hips touch the fence,as she quickly put her lips on his.
The kiss was more rushed,forced and quick and as Tony was surprised by the sudden action,he saw the guy open the glass door,so he grabbed her hips bringing their lips together for a more softer kiss,Tony could taste the cig from her lips,but it didnt stop him from going further of his tongue entering her mouth,and their tongue danced together in harmony,as y/n put her hands on the side of his face,trying to keep the cigarette away from his face to not burn him,melting in the kiss,both of them feeling their faces get a bit heated.
The guy looked at the scene disappointed and closed the door and went back to the party.
As she pulled away,Tony stayed in the same position,his eyes a bit widen,like he didnt know what he was doing"well we know whats gonna be in the news next"She said with a small smirk,as she knew that they both had a very big place in the media,Tony couldnt help but chuckle a little
#tony stark#tony stark x reader#tony stark x reader fluff#tony stark x fem!reader#tony stark x fem!reader fluff#mcu#fanfic#iron man#marvel fanfiction#rdj#rdj x reader#iron man x reader#iron man x fem!reader#anthony stark x reader#anthony stark#anthony stark x fem!reader
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
PART 10 (FINALE) OF MY CABLOON ANALYSIS! GO TO MY #CABLOON-ANALYSIS TAG TO FIND THE FIRST POST!
(I’m gonna make it easier to access the older ones, I’ll make a master post, then I’ll make it so you can check the next part by a link so you don’t manually tire yourself, give me some time cause I need a mental break from my shutdown 😭‼️)
Literally one of the most precious moments I’ve screen recorded in my whole life, the way he’s sitting beside her, laughing just like her, writing in her files, both of them equally sharing the same annoyed stare at silver spoon (Which is something a lot more common than I thought it was)
THIS.
This is just.. *wipes away tear*
Too perfect..
I wonder what happens to Mephone..? (Good lord I am still traumatized till this
Now expect MANY MANY MANY random screenshots of my babies togethr
STOP HOW BALLOON EXCITEDLY INFODUMPS WITH CABBY JANSHEHSHQJJEDHHJWWJ
They’re autistics in love I tell you
LOOK AT HOW HE’S TOUCHING HER AHHH (please don’t thkae that out of context omfg—)
I have a feeling that she was slightly uncomfortable here (sTOP PROJECTING YOURSELF ONTO CABBY PEBIE!! STOP!!)
Its canon guys he was trying to impress her here too
Why else would he give her that smug ass look?!/vpos
Then he sees uninterested cabby and gets sad :(
stop guys it’s actually so sad
The way she got excited when she said that was SO SASAADDDDD
SHES SO STRESSED OMG I FEEL YOU GIRL AAHHHHHH
AHAHGSGAHHSHHEHGWG😭😭‼️‼️
I CANTT THE POOR GIRL IS HORRIFIED
Unsure if she was looking at Mephone or Balloon, but I guess they’re beside each other here, so uh excuse me lol
STOP
STOOOOPPP
THEYRE IN SYNC YALL
LOOOOOOOOK!!! HANDS ON HIPS, SAME FUCKING FACE TWICE, AND IN THE SAME SCENE TOO OMFG
CABBY AND BALLOON RAISE ONE HAND AUTISTICALLY, AND THE OTHER LIKE SILVER SPOON, FROM. THE. SAME. SIDE. AND LITERALLY HAVE A SIMILAR FACE!! I-I CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH THEYRE ACTING LIKE EACH OTHER WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING IT IM FUCKING EVAPORATING AND EXPLODING… EXVAPORATING!!!
THATS LIKE.. 3 SYNCED POSES + EMOTIONS IN ONE SCENE IM GONNA CRY
GRRRRRR HOW COULD YOU SHAKE MY BOY LIKE THAT!!
ALSO. WHO THE FUCK DARES CALL MY BABIES INSECTS.. LOOK WHO THE FUCK CAME FROM THE DEPTHS OF EARTH ITSELF LOOKING LIKE ONE!!/silly /nsrs /omfgdontkillmeafterthisplease—
Erm actually… Cabby and Balloon are definitely engaging after this. Real. And uh she has AWESOME YINYANG, AAAAND BOT!! Balloom has an awkwardly clingy and.. well.. pathetic friend aswell, but hey! Even they have something to leave with! Look at silver spoon..
He doesn’t have candle on his side anymore
Btw.. look at this: You see how Balloon is holding his arm and looking at cabby?
Do you think he, well… wants to hold her hand?
LIKE— NO SERIOUSLY LOOK
STOOOPP AAAHHH MY HEART
YOU CANT TELL ME THAT HE ISNT WORRIED ABOUT CREEPING HER OUT IF HE HELD HER HAND
(Uh wow maybe me projecting myself up there could make sense— OH MY GOD IM GETTING SO MUCH HEADCANONS IM HAVING A HEADACHE YEEEOWWCH)
It’s either (Read this well cause it might confuse you the first time you read it)
He wants comfort from her
Or
He wants to comfort her
Or
This is all accidentally lining up too well
Or
I’m just delusional and this isn’t even lining up at all
WOOOOAAAAAHHH!! EPIC BATTLE SCENE IN REEAAALL LIIIFFFEEEEE?££\#+@}+++}={==£[&$]^)-][.
(Just distract yourself Pebie, ignore how AE made an evil alter of silver spoon aswell.. calm DOWN)
STOOOOOPPPP!! WE GET IT!! THEYRE SOULMATES!! H.. HOW DO THESE TWO HAVE SO MUCH SIMILAR MOMENTS LIKE THIS OMFG/vvvvvvpos
My babies are sticking together OMFG I’m actually exvaporting
STICK TOGETHER BABIES!! YOULL GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE!!! HH.HOPEFYKLU
IMANNAHAHWGSBHDJDJAKAKKSNDJD
IM SHAKKIIJHHHHH OKDMDHAHBBAHHHWHGGDGGDAAAAAA
WEEEE SHE SAID WE
SHE SAID WE OMFGGFGAFFSFVS
THE WAY SHE SAVED HIM IN CLUCTH IM FGGISNNG
IM GONNA.CRUY. IM SUBHIAJJJJSJ
LISTEN UP WALKIE TALKIE. YOU DONT DRAE THREATEN CABBY’S FUTURE HUSBAND AND GET AWAY WITH IT GRRRRRRYEHAHWJSJ
But let’s be fr, As much as I love Mephone and his silly shenanigans, this literally affected me the same way it did for them, just.. look at their faces man :(
NOOO NOOO!! STOP STOP STOOOP I DIDNT AGREE TO THIS!1 DONT HURT THEM!! PLLEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEE 😭😭😭‼️‼️‼️ IM LITERALLY SHIVERING FOR THEM OMFG MY BABIES
I SWEAR IF YOU LAY A FINGER ON ANY OF THEM ILL FUCKING—
Deep betreath… breeaathehees… I’m not ANGRY. nooo wayhhhy. ,.,,uhm..—
HEY AE.. DO THEY MAKE IT SO THEY ALL LIKE MEPHONE IN THE END?? CAUSE LIKE.. It would be so awesome, it would be so cool—
Yeah WHOOOOH!! I took yesterday night, from 8/9pm to 11pm, STYAED UP ALL NIGHT CAUSE I COULDNT SLEEP FROM THESE TWO, stayed up until like.. 10am, fell asleep, woke up at 2:40pm and BAM! FINSIHED AFTER A DAY!! YIPPIEROONIES!!! (Edit: Two days, since I had to leave, came back at 9:50pm, finished at 11pm cause bedtime lockdown, then woke up at 10am today and started to do it again, so I technically finished at 2pm today)
I have a feeling that someone reading this started liking the ship, or felt curious about their rare pair interaction (if they had any/lh), but either way, I’ll tell you how THIS rare pair even EXSISTED.
(THE LORE OF WHY I EVEN SHIPPED CABLOON)
Let’s start from the beginning. In some of the episodes, before I knew I kin cabby, I always had a little fascination towards balloon, his issues living with him for so long and how he still struggles to make a good image of himself was just. Cute to me (stop I KNOW you simp for objects too.. DONT DENY IT!!)
And at episode 17, after I found out I kin cabby, I started to like their interactions more, and since this ship was a HEAVY SELF INSERT, It somehow made sense.
They both struggled to gain a good image, they both had a toxic friendship in the past that got resolved, they both have TOO MUCH ISSUES, and they both act like each other so much it’s actually wild
None of us EVER cared to really analyze hidden relationships in the show, and this is actually a good example, if I never simped for balloon like the ‘loon’atic I am
*knee slap*
I would’ve NEVER noticed their cute feelings for each other
As much as I wanna continue talking, I feel like this ramble will never end, so I give you a cabloon doodle!
And I bid you farewell *bows dramatically*
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Theres never a second chance
I see what you done.
You think its alr to just break my heart,
I think its mad how u cant even look back
When i gave you all i had
you think its okay to have me thinking abt you,
When you reject me every chance you get
you dont deserve me anymore ik for a fact tell me what you want i dont want you in my life,
every blink of an eye just shatters my heart alive.
Your looking at me like u haven't helped me get back up
I miss u every night knowing your not tryna ring me up
Showers in the morning and ringing at night,
Phones were always awake counting our time we gave.
Memories playing in my head like its singing on replay
To me it was never a game when i said i love you through every truth or dare.
Its hard to move on with my life when were walking through the same gate every night
I was happy with just friends but you didnt even want that less
Just friends sound wrong i get but we couldve tried again
You acted like a child when we shouldve just tried next time
But you didnt want me back aswell as loving me right now for sure You didnt love me enough as you never said it back
I gave you time but you didnt even think twice wanted space
but that space was a never ending game
better that way
You caused me more pain then making me feel great
U want someone better its sad you'll never find me again
U never warned me that your gonna leave one day
You said me and you were a forever type of game,
But u left without saying good days
Whatever will happen in the next few years
Ill love you but ill never take you back in my arms again
You broke me too hard and i definitely know it will never be wiped from my mind.
Im tired of getting attached just so that u leave and break my heart.
I cry every night but it dont look like you give two fucks.
Knowing you your just gonna turn ur whole body around.
Im tired…
I dont understand how you can stand there and act like im going mad when i warned u that i wont be able to stand back up
You did me soo dirty no explanation pressed that button wiv no hesitation ur acting like its all my fault but when i opened my phone that x was already popping up my phone
Thank you for the time we had
It was fun and i was living my life
Have a nice live they say but when I see your face it's just a look of disgrace. I hope you'll see that i'm your biggest mistake.
I'll be better off happy
And wiv somebody fresh
The clock has been ticking for 7 months
U havent say a single ‘yo’ or even a ‘i missed you so much’
Begging didnt gain me nth neither did hoping
Both a waste of time praying there will be a massive difference
Thank you for the time we had
It was fun and i was living my life
Written by anonymous
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)
so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me
my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer
so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.
to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'
that one, other one, etc etc
no one even calls me my name anymore
it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going
its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body
its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all
it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate
need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all
i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.
and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this
so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it
she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.
IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable
it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think
its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously
idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon
and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.
i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry this is like fully just insane babble and a look into truly how fucking weird i am in the head im really considering making a blog JUST for venting but im too lazy to do that rn
so like general rundown for context
i did some really downright shitty things as a teenager as a result of unresolved trauma in basically every corner of my life at the time (obviously this doesnt absolve me from what happened). when i was told about the extent of it i apologised and distanced myself & never talked to anyone involved ever again.
months later when i expressed that a former friend who had (in my opinion, rightfully) stepped in to stop the situation from worsening had caused me harm prior to all this and that it was still impacting me on my private account, it was leaked to her. i was threatened with a callout post and she was acting like i wasnt truly sorry for the things i'd done/trying to change even though i had done my level best to be accountable for my behaviour and do what was asked of me.
because of everything that'd already happened + this i was living in this constant state of severe anxiety. as in, i could hardly eat due to feeling nauseous every moment i was conscious, would randomly start shaking and crying & my physical health was deteriorating at many points. i was like this from about july all the way through to november-early december, i think?
like all of this happened five years ago but ive absolutely refused to let myself move on because i thought i would be dodging accountability for my behaviour but i've kind of just had a mental shift recently (maybe from my kansai trip i think it did something to me). looking back while talking to my friend i internalised everything about that series of incidents so hard that i considered myself a horrible and irredeemable person, so ive been keeping myself at arms length from others because i didnt want it to happen all over again and didnt trust myself to actually change. i thought that if i was pursuing relationships with others, i wasnt being accountable enough and dodging my past behaviour.
idk im just tired of living like this. im tired of all the self-sabotage and the fear and anxiety i have over the most minor of things. i'm tired of jumping up and running at the first signs of closer friendships forming. i had a panic attack over someone calling me a friend for gods sake, that's not normal. its not! the fact i even struggle to call people friends because of all this fear about relationships with others after all that isn't good and i need to change from that lol
even just thinking that i deserve better makes me feel like im swallowing needles and glass though, and it sucks so fucking much LMFAOOOOOOO. i dont even know what to do because i feel so shitty about even trying to pursue support from those closest to me. i feel like i'm asking so, so much of people when i cant give much of anything in return. not to mention that right now even the idea of being misunderstood makes me feel absolutely terrible and like i need to be on the defensive. in general i feel like i offer so little that trying to lean on people is selfish and that i'm just going to end up hurting them like i did that friend who simply just wanted to help me. i don't want to feel this way anymore but it's a cycle and i don't know how to stop feeling so horrid about everything and actually. well. allow myself to feel supported AND be normal in the head about it
like i need to move on not just for my sake but because. really. it's been such a long time and i don't even recognise the person i was in those messages. but i can hear just how much pain my past self was in and that just sucks, man. my friend didn't want me to suffer, but he was rightfully hurt and angered by the way i behaved. the best way to show my remorse has always been to do better by those who come into my life, but i never wholly succeeded in that because 90% of the time i would sabotage my own relationships with others and not get too close out of fear that i was going to ruin it all and just be as shitty as i was before. i thought closing myself off would be doing right by him, and to a degree it was. but it wasn't productive for me because i wasn't doing anything but closing myself off
anyway i handled something pretty good tonight that i know my past self wouldve probably flipped out about so that's probably a good sign i guess. its actually kind of surprising to see that even though my spoons are maybe a 1 at best rn i can still handle things with some grace and tact and Not be terrible. idk. maybe things are gonna be okay, especially since i have so many people in my corner nowadays who want nothing more than to see me overcome everything
#blabber#SORRY. i needed to get this shit off my chest before i sleep#i just wanna be okay again and allow myself to have relationships with others like a normal human being again#anyway i have been listening to a STUPID amount of rina sawayama songs these last three weeks#im about to go sleep for like a year or something god i cant wait to talk to my counsellor in like two weeks#he is going to have a field day with this after he heard about my home life during these years
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??
all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .
AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.
and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.
#tw depressing thoughts#@hate myself#journal#made with tumblr#sad aesthetic#thoughts#depressing shit#love yourself#sociopath#kill me
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am writhing in pain on the floor I don't even know who I am anymore I died a week ago and I'm so sick and tired I can't even think about how it's been a month and not a week I'm so weak and confused I don't get it
Someone save me I'm reaching out is there a God or do I have to write a letter to Joe biden I'm sick I'm throwing up I'm fucking crying
My doctor says I can work with an ulcer it shouldn't be that painful but it fucking hurts
I'm supposed to be a preschool teacher how the fuck do you think I can even think let alone fucking teach 10 3 year olds in a tiny white room thats so fuckin bright and loud I'm the leader of the crowd
But im collapsed onto the floor clenching my stomach I'm in pain gritting my teeth I must refrain I can not show my pain to these Itty bitty babies
How the fuck do you expect me to do that dr cassis u dick you're a piece of shit and I hate capitalism and my boss's evangelicalism -- cause to her I'm the devil and not Job,,, cause nothings more virtuous than DYING ON THE JOB
God fucking dammit I don't even hate my life
I dont want to fucking die
I just hate that it costs too much fucking money to live, fuck capitalism
And my boss evangelicalism
I'd almost call it cannibalism when I EAT THE RICH
But THEYRE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PIGS I DONT GIVE A DAMN if they implode in the ocean cause every fucking winter homeless people freeze to death in NEW YORK
My ulcer hurts so fucking bad and I can't take nsaids cause that'll make it just hurt worse
It hurt so bad, and they just want me to go to work, but I took nsaids to keep myself upright and it got worse
AND NOW IT FUCKING HURTS IT FUCKING HURTS AND THEY DONT CARE
They don't fucking care
I hate capitalism and my bosses evangelicalism I'm having a fucking cataclysm give me a billionaire sushi boat it's not halal but it's not canabalism, I wouldn't call eating the rich canabilsm
Cause they're not fucking people
Neither are the judges on the Supreme court
If I saw one of them walking around on the street I'd rip their throat out with my
Teeeeeeeeth
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i dont think my meds are working. and im not asking for help or like. sympathy im just venting but like. i cant stop thinking about killing myself. and today i cant stop crying. like its getting bad again and im just. not handling it well. driving is distracting because im like. im going fast enough, if i hit that big tree i bet itll be instant. nobody's on the bridge, if i swerve hard i could go over the edge. and having my knife is distracting because its a very sharp knife and i am very easy to cut.
and i cant stop thinking about how when it was bad before. the doc told my dad to lock up the guns and change the safe combo. and take away my pain meds from surgery so i couldnt take them all. and he didnt change the combination. and he put the meds on the shelf with the rest of them. and i lied to them both and said i never thought about killing myself with knives because i wasnt going to give them up. i fought too hard to have knives at all to lose them.
and im the family failure. the queer. the autistic. the one who moved back home at 21 because i couldnt fucking handle being on my own. the one who dropped out of three fucking colleges and is failing out of a fourth. im just. not doing well right now. and i am in so much goddamn pain and i cant run or climb or fucking walk. and i almost definitely have to have surgery and that costs money and i have bills to pay and i wont be able to work and. yeah. yeah. and i cant even try to raise money by selling my arpg deer and inventory because paypal wont transfer to my bank anymore. i dont know. im so tired. and i want to be done.
anyway. its fine. im being handled with kid gloves at work and at the grocery store and the coffee shop and everywhere i go people look at me like im going to break. and i feel like i might. but its fine.
1 note
·
View note
Text
so i finished a court of wings an ruin pt.2
let us talk about the men... even though i don't really want to talk about them. for the most part they really disappointed me lol
Tamlin
tamlin is.... trying to be better (at least in the beginning) i guess but there will be no way that he will actually heal & get to move on if not only feyre but lucien as well betray him, use him, destroy him & his court
I was very much interested to see where the story leads him though I had no actual hopes for him to get a redemption arc (which he deserves, I stand by that point argue with the wall)
then he was not trying to do better anymore but now I think he is fully leaning into the villain role which FINALLY gives him the edge that has been missing
because now i see and feel that he has turned his back to prythian because he has really lost EVERYTHING that had importance to him (feyre, lucien, his court, ...). now we can make a good villain out of him, you know?
....
.......
..........
.............
make up your mind tamlin god fucking damn it, im getting tired of your back and forth DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE WOLRD BURN OR DO YOU NOT YOU ARE WORSE THAN ME AND I AM A SUN LIBRA MOON GEMINI
also sorry but how tf did he survive until the end my mans should have died or been killed on so many occasions bruh
Lucien
see this is what I was hoping for after the first and second book, lucien is so cool & such an interesting character especially considering his (still kinda unexplored) backstory
•so WHY is his ONLY character trait now elain??? please there is so much more to him, give me literally anything else
the descriptions of him fitting into the surroundings of the autumn court are so amazing though I am literally in love
i think its cool how he gets to work with the people at the night court and i hope he gets to work more with azriel and maybe rhys especially with things about autumn and spring court
also loved to see his inner feelings regarding elain and jasminda!! that was such a nice detail to show that he is falling (hard) for elain but still feels guilt about his first love (still annoying though)
... great, written off to go find a human queen... guess thats one way to get rid of a character... could've just killed him if you didn't need him bye
Rhysand
rhysand ... why fuck first talk later? war is coming my dude you can get your dick wet later, after you have heard news and planned accordingly???? Im disappointed 100% ew
but nooooo, instead we get this weird horny political talk... am I supposed to enjoy this?
apart from that he was kinda boring
unfiltered thoughts after he "died": i CANT BELIVE CAN NOT BELIEVE that he died AND THEN WAS RESURRECTED THE SAME WAY FEYRE WAS bro that was the most unnecessary scene i have ever read why make me go through all that tension (again bc it happened with feyre before) just to make him come back to life this is so shit i don't know wether to laugh or cry
but tbh i didnt believe for 1 second that he was actually dead, im sorry but there was no way SJM would have the balls to kill of Rhys lol
Tarquin
unrelated but I miss Tarquin he was cool I have a crush on him <3
he is way too good for the other high lords, i'd rather read about him
Cassian
eh... boring at best, annoying at his worst.
bro what the hell why are you so fucking obsessed with nesta YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HER and clearly she is trying to avoid you take a hint (no that is not romantic its creepy and annoying)
like "no means no" also applies to fae or other magical beings leave her A L O N E
he was so cool in the first book but this time it also feels like his only remaining character trait is nesta (giving very much lucien and i hate it) and maybe a bit of fighting/training stuff
Azriel
stays true to his character (at least in the beginning...)
if feyre is going to butt into his love life more I am going to riot, leave the man alone!
only one who actually pays actual attention to elain (yes, not even lucien does this as well as az) & figures her powers out first
also love how he is obv in love with mor but is neither making this his only character trait (looking @ you cassian & lucien) nor doing everything for her. he is NOT changing but staying true to his self i hope this stays the same
......
..........
...............
ah nevermind he just tried to suffocate eris... honestly though I get the like pride & protect my family stuff but arent all of them a bit too easily riled up? all high lords & courts are assholes after all, you guys included. you should know this by now
slay for saving elain
Jurian
now what is this?
wha- why does SJM want to give everyone a redemption so bad (except for tamlin ofc we been knew)
am i really supposed to believe that Jurian has reached clarity after witnessing everything through Amarantha? it was so such a good concept, having a human turn insane and helping those he despised
and (even if its a bad example) would have showed that humans and fae CAN work together after all
all men do is lie. only tarquin slays. bye.
#no characters die in here anyways#except when theyre the villain or unimportant#i fell in love with lucien and then i was given NOTHING#go rhysand give us nothing#tamlin#lucien#rhysand#tarquin#azriel#cassian#jurian#actoar#acowar#a court of wings and ruin
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Slashers when your best friend leaves you p1
Yea so my best friend pretty much wants nothing to do with me anymore, and im real angry about it so take these as a try to console myself
Just cannon typical violence and maybe suggestive themes idk
Same as og in he will kill them for you
But he doesn't if you dont want him too
Mikey will pick you up and cuddle with you for awhile
He’ll get up and get you some water
Ok so he might carry you, you sat on his hip like a baby
He will pretty much get you anything you need
Will let you vent about them
He really wants to kill them, you deserve better
He might make there life a living hell if you insist on him not killing them :))
His first thought is to kill them
And if he does or doesn't is up to you
If he doesn't he’ll pick you up and pull you into his lap and kind of like give you permission to cry on him
He’ll wrap his arm around you and rub your back
He doesn't understand why you're upset but he knows you're upset so he tries :)
Like you have him why are upset over this other person
He might hold your hands and rub your palms
If you fall asleep on him he won't move you and just lets you sleep
Depending on how he feels the next day your ex bff might end up on a t-shirt
Angry doesn't even describe what he feels
Now maybe its ooc for him but i think Bo would let you have contact with your outside friends
It gets boring in Ambrose he gets that
But anyhoo
“Fuck ‘em, you deserve better than them.” (You do <3)
Will let you cry on him
Tries to wipe your tears away
He hates seeing you cry :(
Once it gets late he’ll take you on a car ride so you both can see the stars(car rides make me tired lol)
Hell lay a blanket down in the back of the truck and stargaze with you
Gives you little kisses every once and a while :)
Once you fall asleep heel wrap you up in said blanket and take you back home
You wake up the next morning in his arms :)
Vincents first thought is “Did Bo say something to you?”
But once you explain hes heartbroken for you
VInce doesn't understand how your friend just.. Threw you away?
In his mind you are an angel
Vince picks you up and takes you to his room so you can vent to him (If you want too ofc)
He isn't as angry as Bo but more… hurt
He cries with you tbh
He makes you dink water so you dont dehydrate in the Louisiana Sun
He runs you a bath to make you feel better
If you ask him nicely he gets in with you
Will was your hair
If you fall asleep hell just sit there happy that you're relaxed
13 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing
doing my very best
nzn43
Just a person, nothing special
dance-live-sing-love
Lovely
chterzidislaw
Χρήστος Μ. Τερζίδης Δικηγόρος
golaunche
Golaunche.com