#is this the modern condition

[bixels]

I think 90% of my gripes with how modern anime looks comes down to flat color design/palettes.

Non-cohesive, washed-out color palettes can destroy lineart quality. I see this all the time when comparing an anime's lineart/layout to its colored/post-processed final product and it's heartbreaking. Compare this pre-color vs. final frame from Dungeon Meshi's OP.

So much sharpness and detail and weight gets washed out and flattened by 'meh' color design. I LOVE the flow and thickness and shadows in the fabrics on the left. The white against pastel really brings it out. Check out all the detail in their hair, the highlights in Rin's, the different hues to denote hair color, the blue tint in the clothes' shadows, and how all of that just gets... lost. It works, but it's not particularly good and does a disservice to the line-artist.

I'm using Dungeon Meshi as an example not because it's bad, I'm just especially disappointed because this is Studio Trigger we're talking about. The character animation is fantastic, but the color design is usually much more exciting. We're not seeing Trigger at their full potential, so I'm focusing on them.

Here's a very quick and messy color correct. Not meant to be taken seriously, just to provide comparison to see why colors can feel "washed out." Top is edit, bottom is original.

You can really see how desaturated and "white fluorescent lighting" the original color palettes are.

[Remember: the easiest way to make your colors more lively is to choose a warm or cool tint. From there, you can play around with bringing out complementary colors for a cohesive palette (I warmed Marcille's skintone and hair but made sure to bring out her deep blue clothes). Avoid using too many blend mode layers; hand-picking colors will really help you build your innate color sense and find a color style. Try using saturated colors in unexpected places! If you're coloring a night scene, try using deep blues or greens or magentas. You see these deep colors used all the time in older anime because they couldn't rely on a lightness scale to make colors darker, they had to use darker paints with specific hues. Don't overthink it, simpler is better!]

#not art #dungeon meshi #rant #i'm someone who can get obsessive over colors in my own art #will stare at the screen adjusting hues/saturation for hours #luckily i've gotten faster at color picking #but yeah modern anime's color design is saddening to me. the general trend leans towards white/grey desaturated palettes #simply because they're easier to pick digitally #this is not the colorists fault mind you. the anime industry's problems are also labor problems. artists are severely underpaid #and overworked. colorists literally aren't paid enough to do their best #there isn't a “creative drought” in the anime industry. this trend is widespread across studios purely BECAUSE it's not up to individuals #until work conditions improve anime will unfortunately continue to miss its fullest potential visually #don't even GET ME STARTED ON THE USE OF POST-PROCESSING FILTERS AND LIGHTING IN ANIME THOUGH #SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK. I HATE LENS FLARES I HATE GRADIENT SHADING I HATE CHROMATIC ABBERATION AND BLUR

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

"RIP Jonathan Harker but I'm different" really??? are you really though?

You, a new hire, loaded with student debt, upcoming wedding to pay for, been given a huge opportunity at work, employer paying all your travel costs. you're telling me that you, exploited corporate lackey that you are, you would actually be self-empowered enough to turn back last minute? after spending all that time and money traveling to the rich client's megamansion? because of what--BAD VIBES? how precisely the fuck do you plan on explaining that to your boss??? bitch your credit score can't AFFORD to avoid red flags, you're going into a possible life-or-death situation whether you like it or not, that's capitalism baby!!!

#dracula daily #tumblr reads dracula #as sympathetic as i am to Jonathan's plight it still sounds pretty cushy compared to literally any modern retail or service job #'oh you've been hired to serve a powerful bloodsucking inhumane monster' yeah that's called a megacorporation #consider this: dracula is a monster but he is also very VERY rich #society has excused worse for less #i mean yeah he's evil but he's not like. jeff bozos levels of evil #the real monster wasn't Dracula it was the unsafe working conditions we were forced to tolerate along the way

[ave661]

I remember reading hilarious posts on @sleepyconfusedpotato blog about ghosts round 🍑 and the fact that he is built like a fridge, but omg when you dig into his model you can also see his slutty waist

….and his jacket is tucked inside jeans?! Hello?!!

#How am I supposed to work in such conditions #simon ghost riley #ghost #cod #call of duty #modern warfare 2

[temeyes]

i has cold, i is miserable,, therefore soap too shall has cold

#i've caught said cold like a day ago. im blaming the weather conditions lately #it doesn't help im near my moon cycle.. which also makes me sick LOL #my art #2024 #call of duty #call of duty: modern warfare #call of duty: modern warfare ii #call of duty: modern warfare iii #cod #codmwii #codmw #codmwiii #modern warfare #mw2 #mw #mw3 #soap #soap cod #soap mactavish #johnny soap mactavish #art #fanart #digital art #digital drawing #sketch #doodle #video games #activision

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Obsessed with how pathetic you make Jim Guangyao look. The hat. I love it.

Don't let the smile and sweet words fool you, Jim Guangyao has lost everything in the divorce, and continues to lose.

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #jin guangyao #mdzs au #modern au #this takes place in the same universe as Alan Zhan btw #I have been waiting for the day I got to meet him....Jim Guangyao..... #I think he won at least one divorce. But also did so under suspicious conditions. #you can 'win' divorce is your ex is dead right? #I like to think he wasn't even in the will and all the money and property went to another relative. #Who did he divorce? That's up to reader interpretation #Jim Guangyao is the busy dad who's never around except on the very rare occasional holiday. He cannot relate to his children #Nobody has ever seen him without his hat. In highschool it was a trilby. He's got baseball cap on in this drawing (I tried). #for casual friday. #He would burn everything at the grill. Half-bad luck and half distracted by work calls #Jim has nothing and no one. Despite this he always seems to land another hot spouse within a few months. #(Its his dimples. They are mesmerizing. You will look at them and sign this will without second thought <3)

[4me2knowandyou2wonder]

Okay so maybe it was a bit of a mistake. Soap should have never tried to to make peppermint cocoa.

The premade peppermint flavored power was shit, and Soap didn’t trust himself within 30 feel of peppermint extract, so he’d eventually figured out the best way was to steep a peppermint flavored tea and then add cocoa to that. And that worked super well!

The issue? Ghost.

He’d blanched and the idea of Soap adding COCOA TO TEA! It’s just WRONG, Johnny

And so of course Soap had to do it more.

He’d kept going with the peppermint tea for awhile, except after Ghost has actually tried the drink, and realized it was exceptionally good, that line of prank had stopped working. Of course the only reasonable next step was for Soap to move up to earl gray.

He thought it would be awful, Soap thought he’d have to put up with a weird mixture of tastes. And have to just lie to Ghost and say it was good just to get a rise out of him. Imagine his surprise when I actually tasted GOOD.

The bitter tea mixed with the sweet chocolate in a wonderful swirl of flavors and soap actually liked it. He liked it so much that it started replacing his morning coffee. Cocoa and earl gray.

Ghost was throwing light hearted fits again, all was right.

Until Soap ran out of cocoa. He’d forgotten he was out and had already steeped the tea, even already added the milk he’d begun using to make it thicker. He frowned at the cup, was he really going to poor it out?

Soap picked up the cup and took a tentative sip.

Soap froze.

No no no. NO! He’s made a terrible mistake. An irreversible error!

… he liked tea.

#he didn’t used to #he conditioned himself #massive L #inspidered by my friend who just told me to make war gray cocoa. #haven’t done it yet but I plan to #simon ghost riley #mw2 #cod #cod mw2 #ghostsoap #soapghost #cod modern warfare #cod mwii #cod headcanons #ghost mwii #soap mctavish #john soap mactavish #soap #soap mwii #johnny soap mactavish #soap mw2 #soap mactavish #cod soap #soap cod #soap x ghost #ghoap #ghost x soap #simon riley #ghost simon riley #ghost mw2

[burrowingregg]

Classic hodgson tbh

#the terror #george hodgson #also ​if ur modern au hodge isn’t lactose intolerant and some kind of gastrointestinal condition hes not real

[greensaplinggrace]

highly specific pet peeve of mine when it comes to sab is that none of the characters act with any kind of wariness when they should. like the grisha would not be celebrating in the king’s court with genuine displays of emotion (and obvious shows of rivalry that can be exploited) for all of the otkazat’sya nobles to see. aleksander shouldn’t be showing so much genuine emotion in front of the king or any otkazat’sya (noble or not, they’re all threats to him after all). everyone should be tenser when they’re in court or around authority figures, and the ways they disregard authority are bizarre. that would have you flogged in any monarchy during that time period.

it feels like the writers don’t really grasp the setting or what it means to the characters. these people are soldiers, and even worse, they’re soldiers that are apart of a persecuted class. they should not be so comfortable in areas or around people where they would be thinking about their every little move and how it could be taken advantage of if it was shown. vulnerability should not be tossed around so carelessly by people who should be startlingly aware of life’s atrocities.

honestly, genya is the only character that even acts remotely like she should, in that she is always tense and wary and holding herself like someone who knows they can be hurt at any moment. and even then she’s loose in the king’s court (the king) when she would be at the height of her wariness and paranoia.

#this follows the same vein as criticisms about the realism #in the way the military works in sab #and the ways mal and alina disregard authority as soldiers when there would be serious repercussions #like nobody raised in these conditions would act this way #genya safin #zoya nazyalensky #alina starkov #shadow and bone #sab #grishaverse #sab critical #i mean a bit #its kind of just a weirdly specific pet peeve lol #i don't actually mind it because lets be real most fantasy is anachronistic in this regard #there's so many characters in modern media that speak to their superiors like they don't fear any consequences when they absolutely should #but its so obvious that lb doesn't know how politics or the military works #(and also how the power allotment within it would actually work) #or any kind of government structure and the way people would operate in it #and doesn't give serious thought to how people in these situations would realistically be thinking #and the writers of the show clearly followed in those footsteps #but its like come on #its kind of obvious #you wrote a story centering around trauma there should maybe be a bit more of that shown #but i guess that's also the whole tell don't show problem sab has #myramblings

[foodlesoodlesdoodles]

modern crossover aus are truly something because I feel like all of these gothic men are a single thread away from having the craziest gay sex imaginable and we’re just lucky it was a bed this time

#Jack Griffin #Edward Hyde #Henry Jekyll #<- technically right there hi Jekyll #the Invisible man #the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde #modern au #he’s heavily touch repulsed and pretty aromantic and asexual to me . but sometimes the conditions are JUST right #also he may not have an official relationship at all ever but come on dude be real i see how you look at other men #his hatefuck game is insane !!!!!!!! sorry #also Eddie is not big that is a fur coat he’s like a badger trying to double up its size

[taravangians-storming-balls]

stormlight trio created with makowka's picrew !

#free to use obviously according to makowka's conditions #stormlight archive #picrew #kaladin stormblessed #adolin kholin #shallan davar #modern au #taravangians-storming-posts

[juriyuna]

magireco: toyo is seen as a blighted child who spreads curses wherever she goes, and is cast aside by her village--

me: ah, the classic "unlucky girl gets used as a scapegoat" trope

magireco: --because she suffers from bouts of seizures and paralysis and everyone thinks she's possessed

me:

#poor baby ;; #this was not on my puella historia bingo card #i'm glad that everyone who's been reading the event so far has been like ''my child now'' #i'm also glad that kaede momoko and rena recognize this as a medical condition instead of a curse #i can't tell if she has epilepsy or brain damage or both #but man... :( being disabled in the modern day is hard enough #i can't imagine how much worse it would've been in the third century #the scene where she's lying there paralyzed and scared and weakly trying to call for mama wounded me #magia record #toyo

[moonscape]

palworld being praised for being pokemon but edgy is so funny. as if that isn't the most boring and overdone thing within the pokemon fangame community. in what world is this a revolutionary concept. just go play pokemon reborn or something it's about the same quality (bad) but it's actually free

#bwark #im dead serious you sound like a bunch of teenagers with no personality lmao #also we were discussing this on discord earlier but it feels like a lot of the discussions around the quality of modern pokemon have more to #do with people wanting to make cheap shots at the devs and not actually saying something about the toxic working conditions in the video #game industry and crunch time #like the fact that you'll complain about nintendo and gamefreak not putting in any effort into their games yet bat for this game that steals #from smaller artists and has genuinelg no effort behind it says volumes #and before anybody says anything no i don't care that they're stealing from nintendo and gamefreak. they'll live #it's just the hypocrisy of it all lmao #also i already went off earlier about how something being edgy and ''mature'' doesn't automatically make it good #dark themes with no substance or respect to the topics they're handling are automatically immature to me #anyway im done talking about this now. this game will be forgetton about in a week #it's not going to be a ''pokemon killer'' you say this every time a new monster collecting game comes up and it never does anything #*forgotten. im so tired i forgot how to spell and thought that was right

[dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night]

Eden part seventeen

TW: grief, transphobia, misgendering, Stockholm Syndrome, abelism against cluster b disorders, brief abelist slurs, xenophobia, narcissistic abuse rhetoric, referenced major character death, bad caretaker, pet whumpee, escaped whumpee

Ezra couldn't manage to open his eyes, too disorientated and exhausted. Everything felt wrong. What the hell had happened last night?

His blankets were so uncomfortable, such ratty and itchy things. The air of the room was far chillier than Christopher's home ever was, leaving Ezra wondering if he could possibly be outside. But he was lying on a bed, so that idea was clearly nonsense.

Something else bugged him, that he couldn't put his finger on. After a moment of thought, the quite obvious answer occurred to him. Lavender. The essential oils and perfumes he had grown so accustomed to no longer filled the air around him, replaced by clashing scents of old booze, trash, and artificial vanilla.

Ezra opened his eyes, and the sight of his old apartment triggered his memories rushing back. He wasn't in Christopher's home at all. Jay was dead, gone like their master. Ezra had escaped. Christopher must be worried sick.

"Fuck," Ezra groaned, not sure what else he was supposed to say.

He closed his eyes, hoping he could fall asleep and wake up in Christopher's bed, cuddled up in his arms. But when this proved impossible, he forced himself to stand up and toss his blankets off. He wandered around the apartment in a daze, becoming reaccustomed to his ugly surroundings.

Messy didn't begin to describe the apartment. untouched by Christopher's obsessive cleaning and organization. Nothing had a place to begin with, so being out of place was incurable. He half heartedly threw a few empty energy drink cans in the overflowing trash can.

Slipping back into autopilot mode wasn't difficult, and soon Ezra was boiling water on the stove to make Top Ramen. A poor meal compared to what he had grown used to consisting on, but still it filled him up and warmed his bones. Almost a mockery of Christopher's home cooked stews, but useful in its own sense.

Ezra closed his eyes, trying to pretend that nothing had changed. But the sight of Jay's body plagued him, broken in the bloody snow, an eternal reminder of all that had happened to him. Worse than their corpse was their bright smile playing behind his closed eyelids. A smile he would never see again, let alone provoke by saying something sappy or poking them in the stomach.

The decision to go home was a ridiculously easy one. Ezra tossed his empty Top Ramen wrapper in the trash and put on a pair of sneakers. He walked straight out the door and onto the cracked concrete sidewalk in front of his apartment.

Reason hit him like the cars driving down the street would if he took fifteen steps forward. Where was Christopher's house? What was the address? Hell, what state was it in? Not too far to hitchhike, but in what direction? Ezra silently walked inside and sat on his bed.

Usually when he was having a hard time, he distracted himself by listening to music and scrolling Tumblr, giving his brain enough stimulation for not a single thought to possibly form. But now he hardly remembered the existence of his cellphone, sitting next to the abandoned art supplies on his desk.

He tried not to cry and immediately failed. What he was crying over made him guilty of the highest contempt. Not Jay's death, which he had half heartedly tried to prevent. But of the life he had lost. A taste of paradise he could never win back. The death of another didn't hurt anywhere near as badly as suffering in his own life. It never had.

But Christopher knew where Ezra lived. He had never been lazy, always doing his due research and finding out everything possible. How often had he casually dropped a fact about Ezra's life and past that Ezra had never shared with him?

This made Ezra feel a bit better. He just needed to wait. Surely Christopher would check here as soon as he couldn't find Ezra in the woods… But why would Christopher still want him?

This thought proved more unbearable than any other anxiety so far. Christopher had owned other pets in the past, all now dead. The thought once terrified Ezra, but he had convinced himself that he was better. Special. Well behaved, respectful, loving, everything he should be. Not anymore. He had run away, breaking the most important and sacred of rules. Christopher must hate him for betraying his trust so horribly.

Ezra stumbled to the bathroom to throw up in the sink. It had been months since he had made himself sick with anxiety. Drinking water was his best cure, and it did nothing but rid him of the foul taste in his throat. His head filled with agony from his stress, as though someone were driving a stake into his temple.

His roommate chose the worst possible time to walk in. She looked the same as ever. Chipped fake nails, a ratty Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and a messy bleach blonde bun all painted the perfect white trash picture. She stared at Ezra, mouth gaping like a goldfish, standing at the entrance to the living room.

"Where have you been?" Shelly asked. "I've been worried about you, Esther."

Ezra flinched at the sound of that name. Such a disgusting word, at least when used to describe him. How many times did he need to correct her?

"I got kidnapped," he said, hoping Shelly would leave well enough alone.

"Oh no." Shelly covered her mouth. "I didn't get the ransom note. Did it get buried in my emails or my Instagram? I'm so sorry."

Ezra nearly laughed from the sheer absurdity of her statement. Ransom notes for roommates sent via emails and instagram messages? What world did she think she was living in?

"Not for ransom," he said, not entirely sure why he was bothering to explain. "I got kidnapped and kept as a-" The word pet seemed improper. He couldn't bring himself to say it. "Got kidnapped by a guy who was stalking me and wanted me to live with him." He laughed awkwardly. "You know how it is."

"I- I don't know how that is. Oh my God. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit shaken up."

The pounding in Ezra's head was finally going down, allowing him to think and communicate.

Shelly sat down on the crumb covered sofa and patted the fashion next to her. "Come sit down. You need to tell me everything."

Ezra tentatively sat down. Emotional conversations with Shelly always ended badly. Her best advice was using crystals she bought on Etsy to cure depression. But she sometimes had coupons for free doughnuts, so that was a plus.

"Start at the beggining," she urged. "I'm listening."

The beggining? It had been so long since Ezra had thought back so far. Some days he forgot he had ever been an unwilling captive.

"I was kidnapped by a man named Christopher Kotev," he said.

"What is he like?" Shelly interupted.

"I was just about to tell you." Ezra fought to keep the annoyance from his voice. "I think he's like fifty. He lived by himself. Russian American family."

"That's scary," Shelly said bizarrely.

Ezra blinked. "What?"

"You know, Russians. I've seen a lot of movies and-"

"No," Ezra interrupted. He usually hated interrupting people but Shelly was an idiot. "I grew up in Spokane. That's over in Washington state. Big Russian community. Most of them were always really friendly."

"Huh. Thats interesting." Shelly popped a piece of bubblegum in her mouth. "But I bet what's-his-face who kidnapped you wasn't."

"Christopher Kotev," Ezra repeated. "And he's literally the nicest person I've ever met. He kidnapped me with the sole intention of making my life as pleasant as possible and keeping me happy, because he loves me."

The conviction is his voice did nothing to betray his anxiety over yesterday's escape.

"I've watched a lot of true crime podcasts but I've never heard anything like that. I-" Shelly suddenly grabbed Ezra's hand. "Did he hurt you?"

Ezra let her hold his hand. She wasn't overly touchy, and this was the farthest she ever went. He was uncomfortable, but didn't mind her touch nearly as much as her question."

No, he never laid a hand on me. Christopher just wasn't like that. He was very gentle and loving. Made sure I had enough to eat, treating me really nicely, and just being good. I really liked being with him, even if you think I'm crazy I can't change that."

"What were you, his pet cat?" Shelly asked, unaware of how close to home her words hit.

"Pretty much," Ezra admitted. "But hey, who do you love more than your cat?"

"Do you have Stockholm Syndrome?"

Ezra shook his head. "No. I don't think so. That's when you're attached to someone abusive. Christopher wasn't like that at all."

"Then why did you come back?"

"It's a long story." Ezra hoped Shelly would get bored and leave him be. "I don't know if you'd really get it."

Shelly stood up. "Come on. Let's go sit in my room. I'll do your nails while you tell me everything. It'll be nice. We can play some music and I have gummy bears."

Ezra sighed deeply, but followed behind Shelly. He kicked off his sneakers and sat on her neatly made bed, running his pointer finger over the stained mandela patterned blanket. Shelly grabbed out her nail polish and opened the bottle of noxious acetone nail polish remover. Ezra tried not to gag from the smell.

"Keep telling me about everything," Shelly said. "Green is a good color for you, I think."

"Green is fine. Um…" Ezra tried to remember everything that had happened. Details like their nightly readings of Dante's Inferno didn't seem important. "Christopher was engaged to a man named Colt."

"He's gay?" Shelly asked, very surprised and not bothering to politely hide it. "What'd he kidnap you for?"

Ezra knew exactly what she was getting at, and chose to focus on the smooth lines of green being applied to his nails. His ears burned with embarrassment.

"I guess you'd call it platonic stalking and kidnapping," he said curtly.

"I've never heard of it. You should go on my true crime podcast. It'd be a hit."

"You run your own true crime podcast? I thought you just listened to them."

"Me and my friend Leah do," she said happily. "We have more than two hundred followers on YouTube. The filming is done over at her house, 'cause it's cleaner. We even make money from it."

Ezra didn't know how to answer. All five nails on his left hand were now painted a glimmering dark green.

"Keep telling me about Christopher and… What's his face? The fiance."

"Colt." Ezra shook his head as though to rid himself of his memories. "He's the most horrible person I've ever met. He was-"

"Wait, let me visualize this. What does he look like?"

"Uh, also in his fifties but looked younger. Wore a lot of leather. Had full body tattoos, some of really slutty looking women and men. Others just cliche skulls and playing cards. You know what I mean. He had greaser hair. Taller than me but shorter than Christopher."

"Sounds like my ex. God, he was a mistake. Anyway, go on."

Shelly always made Ezra feel better about his habit of making conversations about himself, and that was not a good thing.

"He was torturing someone in his basement."

Shelly gasped, then quickly got distracted cleaning up the nail polish she had smudged with an acetone drenched Q-tip.

"They're dead now," Ezra said quietly, hoping Shelly had a single shred of respect in her fake tan covered body. "Their name was Jay. I can't close my eyes without seeing their body in the snow."

"I'm so sorry," Shelly said gently. "That's horrible. But how did you go from being kidnapped to seeing your kidnapper's fiance's victim's body dumped outside?"

"I settled down with Christopher after he kidnapped me," Ezra said, choosing to ignore the piercings won from his failed escape attempt. "He was perfect. The kindest person I've ever met. Then one day, a week or two after I moved in, his fiance Colt came over for a visit."

Shelly started applying a thin layer of clear polish over the green. For once, she wasn't interrupting.

"He dragged in his… victim. They were beyond hurt, filthier than anyone I've ever seen. They looked straight out of those shitty slasher movies we used to watch. The only thing Christopher ever did wrong was allowing Colt to get away with… torturing them."

Ezra took a deep breath, trying not to cry. He couldn't cry. Not in front of Shelly. This was too private a matter, but he was too tired to stop talking to the only… friend he had left.

"I took them to get cleaned off while Christopher and Colt talked. Christopher seemed disturbed by Jay, but too in love to say anything. Jay couldn't even remember their own name, okay?!"

Ezra couldn't help sobbing at this. Holy fuck, what had they done? It wasn't just on Colt, or even Colt and Christopher. Jay's blood was on Ezra's own hands too. If only he had been a little braver. If he had stood up to Colt. If he had cared enough to keep Jay happy and alive after his death. If wishes were horses, he might have a shot at winning this race.

"I named them Jay. It seemed like a nice name. I patched up their wounds and burns and cleaned their hair. You still couldn't tell their skin color, they were so battered. They hadn't eaten in days. I gave them a bowl of borscht, that's a Russian stew with beets and potatoes, and they acted like it was a gift from God. I let them sleep in my bed and-" Ezra choked back tears. "Then they had to go home. Not their home. Home with him."

"I've never heard anything that horrible," Shelly said, not bothering to hide the distasteful curiosity in her voice. "Christopher just let this happen?"

"He said that Colt was naturally violent, and implied that he had been on the receiving end of it. He seemed relieved that Colt had a different person to take his anger out on. Stuff happened later that makes me sure he was telling the truth."

"What stuff? Jay getting murdered?"

"Jay wasn't murdered!" Ezra snapped. "Stop interrupting. I'm trying to explain."

"I'm sorry," Shelly said, clearly lying. "Keep going. Can I do your hair?"

Ezra sighed. "Yes, but don't straighten it. I hated it when you tried that."

Shelly ran to the bathroom and came back with a bag full of hair supplies. She plopped a bag of gummies on Ezra's lap, before sitting behind him. A comb began tugging at his ear length curls.

"What happened to Jay?"

"Colt came back," Ezra said in a strangled whisper. "Of course he did. Christopher was his fiance. They were planning on getting married in late June because Christopher likes outdoor weddings and that's when the lavender is blooming."

"Lavender?"

Ezra brushed his tears away. How had he missed that detail? "Christopher loved lavender. He made it in desserts and tea. He wore lavender perfume all the time. His whole house smelled like it. I really miss it."

Shelly worked through a difficult tangle, making Ezra yelp. "Sorry, sorry. I don't like lavender, but that's all very nice. I like weddings. I hope theirs is nice, even if they're horrible people."

"Not happening," Ezra snarled. "Colt died. Jay died. They're dead and gone. Christopher almost died too."

"I'm sorry."

Ezra popped a few of the gummy bears in his mouth, enjoying the artificial sweetness and weird texture. Chewing gave him time to recompose himself, banishing his tears.

"I was taking care of Jay again," Ezra said bitterly. "I heard a gunshot and was fucking terrified. Then I found out that Christopher had killed Colt in self defense because Colt had gotten too violent with him. It was an accident, but it still fucking happened. Christopher and his siblings covered the crime up. His younger brother Michael has criminal connections so it was easy. Jay stayed with us for a while."

Ezra's voice broke, and his eyes welled with tears. "They were getting better. They were healthy. They still acted like a- like a little kid. But they were getting better. I swear they were."

"I believe you," Shelly said, spraying something weird and cold in Ezra's hair. "You don't have any reason to lie. This is all so horrible."

"They wanted to die, and I can't blame them," he said bitterly. "They asked me to kill them, but I couldn't. I was being selfish. I just couldn't do it. So Christopher did. It wasn't murder, it was assisted suicide. It hurt him, I know it did. I ran away in a panic, and I've never regretted anything more."

"Christopher kidnapped you then killed two other people." Shelly dropped her hair supplies and moved around on her bed so she was facing Ezra. "That's awful."

"I want to go back," Ezra admitted. "I was so happy, for a while. If it were just me and Christopher, everything would be okay."

"I think Christopher is a narcissistic sociopath," Shelly said, giving Ezra intense whiplash.

"I-" Ezra glanced around, as though looking for cameras. "What?"

Shelly started ticking off on her fingers. "He's clearly obsessed with you, and wants you all to himself. Textbook narcissist. And he killed two people, and is totally fine with it. Textbook sociopath. I know this is hard for you, Ezra. I'll help you through it."

Ezra burst out laughing. He couldn't help it. Shelly could be so bizarre, to the point of highly offensive comedy.

"What's the matter?" Shelly asked.

"You realize that I have NPD, right?" Ezra stopped laughing. Oh fuck, maybe he shouldn't have said that. Well, too late now. "Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a cluster B condition. I'm sure plenty of your podcasts talk about it."

"You're too nice to be a narcissist," Shelly countered.

Ezra laughed some more. It felt good after all the crying. "Oh God, Shelly. You really crack me up sometimes. All that time spent on self help websites with articles called 'how to spot a narcissist' and you didn't even realize you were living with one. How oblivious could you get? I have the diagnosis papers and everything."

"But- but you're not like that," Shelly said, clearly distressed. "You're not abusive. You couldn't be."

Ezra ate a few more gummy bears before responding. "Do you think that people with NPD just abuse everybody all the time?"

Shelly nodded. It stung, but Ezra had expected it.

"I don't know if you'll believe a lowly narcissist such as myself," Ezra said sarcastically. "But I'll give you the low down. Every single abuser made the decision to be abusive. No one does it by accident. They might be mean or neglectful, but actual abuse is a choice."

"But narcissists do choose that. That's the whole point."

"I didn't. I chose to be good, even if people kept screwing me over for it." Ezra's years of resentment finally had a target, and he couldn't stop himself from speaking to her. "Even though my parents abused me. Even though I was a freak who never had any real friends. I chose to be kind. I wake up every morning and decide, against all my fears and doubts, to be a good person even if I won't get anything in return. Sure, I hope I get something in return. But I hardly ever do. It's hard to have a brain like mine, but I make the most of it."

Shelly, a woman who heard about two horrible deaths and reacted with only curiosity, looked on the verge of tears at these statements.

"Finally I met Christopher," Ezra continued. "The first person to ever really care about me. Who loved me the way I always wanted to be loved. How I deserved to be loved. I hope he'll take me back. Because I deserve a good life."

It had been years since Ezra had claimed to be deserving of anything. The world didn't owe him a damn. But after a taste of what he could have, he had slipped back into old entitled delusions.

"Is that why you loved him?" Shelly asked quietly. "Because you're both narcissists? Because you love each other in the way nobody else can? Because you understabd each other in the way empaths won't?"

Ezra had never considered the idea that Christopher could have NPD. Not for a second. But now it seemed so obvious that it may as well be fact.

He nodded, trying not to cry again. "I love him, Shelly. And he loves me. Someone like you wouldn't get it. But I get it. And that's enough."

"Listen." Shelly held Ezra's hand again, not anywhere as comforting as Christopher used to be. "I'm an empath, okay? I feel for you. You don't know what these feelings are like, because you're a narcissist. But you've got to believe me the way I believe you. I know what's going on in your heart, even if you're broken. Being broken is hard. I know that, even if I'm totally normal. I'm here for you, as long as you don't take advantage of me. Okay?"

Ezra hated being called broken. He hated self proclaimed "empaths". He hated being treated like he wasn't a person. Most of all, he hated Shelly and everyone else like her. They made his life a living hell. But at least she was placated now. And Ezra had never had a hard time playing the victim.

He faked a smile. "I'm so glad to have such a nice friend like you. I wish I could be an empath too. You're right, it is hard to be…" he swallowed. "So broken. I wish I could feel for other people."

"I'm sorry you cant. It must be rough. I've never net a narcissist as self aware as you. I'm glad I can know your point of view. It'll help me."

And Ezra was supposed to be the selfish one. The irony may have been lost on Shelly, but it wasn't lost on him.

"I really like you," he lied. "I don't want to ever hurt you. I try really hard."

Shelly smiled. "I know that, Esther. Really, I do. What do you need from me right now?"

Ezra blinked at the question, but decided to answer it honestly. "I haven't made myself actual food in a long time. I've pretty much forgotten how. A little help with dinner would be nice."

"I'll order pizza," Shelly said brightly. "Stay right here."

She disappeared from her bedroom to call the pizza place, leaving Ezra alone. He hid his face in his hands. Christopher would never treat him like this.

This apartment he lived in was nothing more than a prison, constructed from societal norms and bad friends. At least Christopher's prison was made from kindness and love. He would give anything to go back.

Taglist: @devourerofcheesecake @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @thedarkmongoose @whumpsday @whump-by-robin @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @annablogsposts @whumpshaped @seetheothersideofparadise @knittedeyebrowsandcardigans @whatwasmyprevioususername @boonasaurusrex @suspicious-whumping-egg @heavenly-whumper @melancholy-in-the-morning @snakebites-and-ink @suck-my-clit-loser @i-eat-worlds @scp-1296 @chiswhumpcorner @skittles-the-whumpee @whumpkinz @dokidokisadness @enbygesserit

#Abraham original: Hot off the press #Eden #Whump #Pet whump #pet whumpee #conditioned whumpee #whump writing #Bad caretaker #Modern whump #Escaped whumpee

[dlsintegration]

Thinking about the Dubai appartment again because of this excellent post how magnolia trees are believed to be the earliest flowering plants known to us, existed even before bees did so they had to rely on beetles that fed on their pollen Something about this ancient tree that predates the natural world as we know it, endured the centuries to end up in that cold, barren home. Something about vampires not reproducing through classic human means but through blood and the act of feeding itself.

#or its just a pretty tree that aesthetically makes sense while being visually very jarring in that big empty room #just like the organic wood grain of the desk #its 100% fake i think but theres still something fascinating about the idea of a real tree being maintained and cared for #in artificial conditions #armand being compared to an insect in the books #something about him being the beetle to louis' tree #u dont need the modern natural world bby u got me #okay im just saying shit now #iwtv #set design #iwtv meta #interview with the vampire

[itspileofgoodthings]

If Jane Austen could write about my family from the outside and I could read it then maybe I would be healed.

#moving out has helped! but is there is not a new social life/core for me yet #maybe ever? idk #but within the actual family unit there is ….. so much going on #so much suffering. so much change. unbelievable levels of stress and anxiety and depression #like I really cannot emphasize enOUGH how much #and my parents are essentially full time caregivers #and I both want to help and be a stabilizing factor and I also want to be honest about how much of a toll it takes on me #because i think it’s A Lot #but also I don’t like modern rhetoric on any of these difficult topics and I reject it even though I use a lot of the language #hence why I need Jane Austen to do it for me #to bring this full circle #anyways if you could say a prayer for us. for my parents especially but also my sister #well all the sisters and my brothers! #anyway reflecting angsting etc. #tbh I would love to know the medium of the average family’s unhappiness and stress #Because I think ours is off the charts #But idk. Would love to know more tbh #I would love to know if a lot of it just the human condition! But sometimes I’m just like this is not normal lol #thanks for listening

[a-world-with0ut-dr34ms]

Ghost is too distracting sometimes 🙄

I wasn't even listenin to what they were talkin about 💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽 imma be real 🗿. If they wanted me to listen then they wouldn't have made Ghost look so fine 👀😩, like we're at war sir ✋🏽, come on now 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #he was looking fine as hell #all I ever wanna do is stare at him #can't work under these conditions #ghost mwii #mwii #modern warfare ii #ghost mw2 #my personal videos #ghost simon riley