#it really hit me today that mom has cancer and i hate life

[peligrosapop]

I can’t sleep and have a headache, I’m in pain and sober ( weed would help 2/3 at the least)for some stupid reason. So, I’ll rant.

I went skating (as in skateboard) yesterday

did my first ever 50-50 trick (skate trick) at 40

but also pulled a muscle in my upper thigh and I’m limping a bit and it hurts. (Hi, It’s me, Pedri without free accessible healthcare)

A girl flirted/hit on me and I can’t thinking about it bc, maybe I liked the attention? and she’s cute? I get plenty of attention at home though, dunno wtf is going on.

I forgot to call my mom on her bday but I called her today and we talked like an hour and it was nice. I like my mom a lot. I don’t want her to die, ever. My dad’s death anniversary was last week and I just realized yesterday. None of us surviving family members said anything either, guess we rather forget.

The call with mom also made me realize I barely call anyone anymore, ever. Last time my older sister called I didn’t pick up and have ghosted her since. I told my mom I’m being anti social atm. I need to call my pregnant younger sister. I guess I’m the asshole.

I text with a lot of people that I don’t know IRL and have neglected a lot of my IRL friends. I even have neglected online friends I like a lot. I still chat people a bit too much, I’m afraid.

I think my current obsession with Barça on tumblr and tumblr in general helps me focus on something else but myself when I’m stuck creatively or emotionally.

I need to finish writing 4 songs that I started and are almost done. One about staring at your crush, one about dreaming of people that have passed away, one about Messi (in the most non-obvious way) and one about leaving everything behind to move somewhere else to remake your life. It is annoying to feel like I can’t when I’m perfectly able to. They are 80-90% done.

Right now I’m in between jobs doing some gigs and the break in routine and extra time to do fun stuff things has been , instead of being liberating, weird.

My fav girl friend has been really busy lately and I fucking hate it. I feel needy. And I hate it.

My boyfriend is amazing, thank god he’s there. My bff. I am a mess rn. He was trolling me a week ago saying “I read this list of symptoms of depressed people and you checked out most of them” and I laughed at him and he was like 😅. I’m not depressed. It’s okay. I have depressive tendencies from anxiety but that’s it. I’m a hedonist most of the time, anyway. 🤣 Very few fucks given but active existencial dread.

My health/body has been changing since I hit 40 and it’s pissing me off. Also I kinda stop caring care of myself for a second but getting back on track. Also need to start saving money for all the “hey you hit 40 so you may have this” health test, like cancer screenings and shit. But hey, better old than dead.

and….I need a hug. And to write poems but they won’t come out. I don’t need anyone to do anything. I just need to get it out of my system.

I wish you were here and not so far away, you know this. I punched my pillow today like I told you I wanted to. I wish it was easier.

We had a friend as a house guest for a week and he just left today without telling us, even though he was supposed to be here 2 more weeks and now he said he is with a dude we don’t talk to anymore. lol wtf is wrong with people?! can’t they be normal?!!!! You can say you wanna go see a friend, why just disappear and tell us a one like text when we asked where the fuck you are. He may come back? I dunno ahahahah. Maybe its our bad for having a bunch of moody musicians as friends.

Also, like my bf jokes all the time….when I die, be happy for me because I won’t have to pay any more bills.

Maybe this was too real but IDGAF. The end.

#mental health rant #buenas noches

[potatoes83]

Slice of life...

I hate daylight saving time. Besides this being the biannual reminder of how many clocks I have in this house that need setting, it really messes with my sleep. And I have actually been maintaining a good sleep schedule as of late, good circadian rhythm, haven't needed the melatonin or unisom, head hits pillow, eyes get heavy, sleep.

This is saying a lot, because there has been a LOT on my mind. As chronic followers may recall, Mom's got cancer, although the chemo is working, and that's good. Dad's heart is still out of whack, they had to put him under and stop/restart it AGAIN. Dog's got cancer again, his surgery is this week, and the vet's saying this is pretty much the last one... Stupid shit at work, and to quote Tolkien, I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. It's a lot, and people all around me are constantly asking, wondering, just how am I keeping it all together, how am I continuing to work at the pace I am with everything going on... I don't have an answer for that, I just am.

With all that, the fact that I am sleeping well is a miracle in itself; maybe I'm just completely emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of the day, I don't know. But I'll take what I can get, and I fear that I am now NOT going to be able to properly sleep, which gravely affects my performance.

Case in point, I was up at new 6:00 this morning, after getting to bed after 10. I am tired. The biggest problem with the time change is the very sudden drastic shift in daylight; I know internally what 9:30 is supposed to look like, and this doesn't look like that right now. The clock on the wall and light in my surroundings are completely discordant. It doesn't help either that it's cloudy today, so it's light, dark, light, dark... Sun is trying to be out right now, and I couldn't tell you what time it feels like or not, but it absolutely feels off.

Really, with everything else going on, it's about the last thing I need. A decent sleep schedule is about the only thing keeping me going, and here we are, shifting the clocks again like nobody wants to do...

This too shall pass. And I am hoping that since I am tired now, I will sleep well tonight. Goals, and all that. But yeah, on top of everything else, let's steal an hour from my slumbers, thanks for that!

Gratuitous creature shot. Cheek to cheek, as it were. 🥔

[contentment-of-cats]

Body and Soul

Last year, I didn't celebrate my birthday or really even mark it. I was at the end of chemo and radiation, about to go into round two, so out of it that I'd get pushed around in a wheelchair, and getting up a flight of stairs did me in. Mom was in memory care and hating it - calling it jail and prison. Even back then she'd forgotten about her house, asking me instead about a house that sold back before I was born and telling me to call my grandfather.

This year, she's gone, and I am in remission.

It's a liminal space. She transitioned from life to death. I've transitioned from cancer to remission (Schrodinger's cancer). The world feels strange, knowing she's not in it any longer, and it's hitting harder than I thought it would. I haven't dreamed of her.

"We go up in the sky and float around for a while."

It's a comforting thought.

Friends have rallied around, and even clients. I have flowers and food in my house. I'm breathing. The pain yesterday was pervasive, and I needed a long nap - though it was less a nap than becoming unconscious. Deep, dreamless, unmoving. It's better today, but my hands and sacral spine have Things To Say. However, I accomplished two trips up and down the stairs to take out the recycling and a bag of kitchen waste - and I did it without my cane. Moving slow, yes, but I did it. The bar is low - it has to be - but I got over that one.

[bleubourbon]

I almost started throwing shit today and telling everyone what I really think

We talked about a calm and peaceful Christmas. But a month ago my Aunt ended up in the hospital. Several states away. She's been sick for no less than 2 years and has refused to go to the Dr. She had been taking massive amounts of Imodium. It was no longer working. She couldn't stand up without it not working. She and my Uncle left for their winter local anyway. Their WI ter local where no one is. No family or friends to help if they are in trouble. We'll it all hit the fan and surprise, she has cancer and is not able to travel home. I will spare the details but my Aunt and Uncle are in the running for a Darwin award.

All this is hitting my Mom hard because she has NO control. She HAS to have control. She calls it she can't ' help' but really she can't be there yelling at everyone and making a scene because her health won't allow it. But she talks to her brother nightly, and he apparently can't be bothered to get a notebook to write down the Dr names or what meds they want to prescribe his wife. Nope not heartless I am pissed at the stupidity. He literally said oh its another thing for me to carry.

Dude, if you want my sympathy because you love your wife so much, and now someone told you she is dying because apparently you were too stupid to notice before now, try not to tell me that carrying a fucking notebook to take notes about her care is too much for you!

He actually expects his sister, my mother, to take and maintain the information for him. My mother is not a well woman.

I know she wants to support him but fuck HE WANTS HER TO JUST DEAL WITH IT FOR HIM. HE COULDNT HELP HIS OWN MOTHER AND LEFT IT ALL ON MY MOTHER WTF

This brings us to Christmas. About 3 weeks ago my Mom decided our quiet 3 person Christmas was now a party.

She wants to have her niece over to give her something happy while her mother I so ill.

Saint, right?

Queue 3 weeks of how hard life is trying to get ready for party

3 weeks if what I have to do for party

3 weeks of my husband bitching that my cousin will bring her boy friend he hates to Christmas. Which includes 3 weeks of I'm not going

All while I must work to pay all our bills which include about $700 of beer a month and another couple hundred of cash back from grocery shopping to be used on scratch off lotteries

Did I mention I work in the 7th circle of Hell?

So we had the party. I got yelled at randomly for the sin of asking a question while my Mom was walking. Not a "wait I need to finish waht I was doing" A basic how can you be so fucking stupid as to ask me where something is in my house while I am walking through the kitchen. I got yelled at because I could not produce shredded cheddar cheese from one of the fridge bins. It wasnt there. I started to look in the other and got screamed at because I was looking in the wrong bin why wasnt I listening? She just sat down!!! Cheese was in the bin I was looking in. I got attitude for that. I did not move the cheese BTW.

There was some other drama that resulted in me being told that this is why one should always start early in case things go wrong (apparently I started something late). Don't remember what as I think I've begun to dissociate

People loved the party. I didn't put stuff away quick enough which I was passive aggressively told in front of some of the guests.

Also - this is the coldest Christmas in 30 years means. All the presents had to be distributed prior to Xmas because we may get snow ( we didnt) but basically, xmas morning was nothing. Just I got up late, and I didn't tell Mom that there is meat in Lasagne. So she had no meat. We talked. She got confused or forgot or whatever. She isn't having dangerous forgetfulness, just run of the mill she doesn't pay attention which is one of her lovable traits. Thank goodness the grocery store was open because the husband started bitching that I can't make lasagne with no meat. Vegetarians beg to differ Dear, but sure I will get dressed and run to the store in Xmas day.

Then I clearly didn't start dinner early enough. And my husband proceeds to tell I was using the wrong amount of sauce. Also my list of sins included:

Wanting to cook 2 boxes of pasta instead of one. Not getting a pot with a lid out for meatballs (we had meatballs, but I couldn't leave the meat out of the lasagne). He kept up a running commentary in the gas stove top as well.

I also had to help Mom operate Netflix because in 3 years, she still doesn't get it dispite multiple lessons and load pictures to Facebook, also 3 years and multiple lessons while making lasagne.

Cool cool - but I almost lost it

Everyone liked dinner. I did dishes.

And now the cable company is raising prices and I must read letter to figure it out. I 'made' her change cable plans. No no, my Dad died and I said she needed faster internet so if she needed me I could also work remotely at her house. I said I would pay. She won't take money. Cable compa y said - oh if you make changes you have to change everything (i.e. GOTCHA !! Pay us more that plan doesn't exist anymore and you can't just change your internet)

But yeah so now she has a plan price and the price increases are a la carte and not all components of her plan are in the a la carte list. So it's sorta impossible to see what the increase will be. It was determined that I HAD to read this tonight

Fuck I'm tired. And I don't know the answers but I really think a good scream is in order. Except that will wake everyone up and I don't have the energy to explain.

Merry Christmas

[appalachianapologies]

Fathers + Sons + Choices

Called my mom this morning. My grandmother might make it to Valentine's Day, and that's all I can really hope for, as it was a surprise that she was still with us today.

Cancer is awful, and I'm not going to say that I'm okay. I'm not. But writing is nothing if not a coping mechanism, and if characters can get through loved ones dying, then dammit, so can I.

James leaves to protect his son. He's sure that it doesn't make him a coward.

Jack stays to protect his son. He's pretty sure that it makes him a coward.

Read on Ao3

Angus is upstairs in bed, and Ellen knows that he’s sleeping.

Her son has a penchant for never quite settling down, and always making a racket as he finds something to do in his room when bedtime comes every night. But right now, the ceiling of the living room is quiet, so Ellen knows that he’s asleep.

Some days, she’s sure that Angus just stomps around the upstairs for fun.

On the other side of the couch, by her feet, James holds a glass of amber liquid. She can’t quite tell what it is, now that her smell has been completely taken from her. On the plus side, it makes cleaning Angus up after a day outside much easier.

Above her, there’s a quiet thunk.

James looks up as if he’ll be able to see through the ceiling onto the floor of Angus’ room. He sighs. “Why does he never seem to sleep?”

“He’s sleeping,” Ellen replies with a knowing smile. “His arm just hit the side of the wall. Must be having a dream.” Sure enough, no quiet thuds continue. It wasn’t a footstep, it was just Angus moving in his sleep. Still, James doesn’t look convinced. “He’s asleep, hun.”

After a beat, James nods, taking a sip from his drink. “I know.”

With a gentle smile, Ellen stretches out on the couch a little further. “Promise you’ll be there for him.”

“El?”

She’s not afraid of dying. She’s afraid of leaving her son. “I can’t,” Swallowing, Ellen looks down at her legs. “I can’t keep going with chemo. It’s killing me.”

“You said you were-”

“I lied. James, I- it’s destroying me. It’s not making me better.”

James just shakes his head. “We still have time.”

“It’s my body. I know it better than you.”

“El-”

“Promise me you’ll take care of him.”

“Of course I will.”

“Angus needs you.”

“He needs you too.”

The worst part is, Ellen knows that he’s right. It’s obvious Angus needs his mom. He’s just a boy. “I’m dying, James. I can’t stay awake for more than a couple of hours, and I can barely eat. Angus needs you. Promise me you’ll be there for him. Please.” Grabbing the edge of her cardigan, Ellen wipes tears from her cheeks before they can reach the divots near her nose.

James grabs her nearest ankle, fingers heavy and warm over the knitted socks. “I’ll be there for him.”

“He’s just a baby. He can’t-”

This time, James’ tears match her own. “I promise, El, he’ll never be alone.”

--------

Five Years Later

“El, I’m sorry.” Her headstone has started to grow dirty. Stains creeping up from the grass below it, worse with every spring shower. “I can’t do it.”

Today proved the weatherman wrong. The rain has paused today, and almost clear skies shine above him. Just in time for his kid’s birthday.

“Every damn time I see him, all I can think about is you.” James knows that she would’ve been delighted to see that he’s growing with the same nose, same smile as her. Then again, those smiles have become fewer and far between lately. “He’s like a little mini-you.”

James reaches out toward the stone, but his fingers never reach it. “I can’t get my mind off of you. Every time he comes home from school- all I can think about is how much I miss you. It makes me so damn angry, El. And it isn’t fair to him.”

There’s a lot in Angus’ life that hasn’t been fair, and James hates to add to it, he really does, but he doesn’t have any other option. “He needs someone that’ll love him without seeing you, and God, it can’t be me.”

The wind whistles through the trees, swooping in between naked branches that haven’t quite gotten their leaves back yet. Just little green buds hanging on.

“And DXS, it’s getting more dangerous. I can’t go home knowing that some terrorist might follow me and find Angus. It’s-” Swallowing, James looks away from the headstone. He can’t face Ellen to tell her this. “It’ll be better this way. He’ll be safer.”

Looking back, James shakes his head. “I’m protecting our son. I’m not some coward running away. And I’m going to keep an eye on him- I’m not leaving him without a trace. I’m always going to take care of him, just like I promised. But I just- I can’t do this, El. Not when all we both need is you.”

A small paper bag sits in James’ briefcase. 

A present for Ellen’s little boy.

James can’t see him one last time, because he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to leave. He’s doing it for Angus’ safety. 

The briefcase stays closed when James drives out of the Mission City limits. 

He’ll give it to Angus the next time they meet.

--------

Just Shy of 20 Years Later

“I can’t do it, Pops.” Sighing, Jack runs a hand over his face. Over the past couple of years, he’s used to coming here with his kids, but this is something that he has to do alone. 

“I know that I’m a goddamn coward. Damning a hundred other kids to get killed by doing this, but I can’t leave him. Can’t leave any of ‘em.”

It rained last night, and Jack can feel the damp seep into his pants. If his kids were here, he’s sure that they’d make fun of him when he was ready to stand back up.

“Kovacs is my problem. The bastard is still alive because I didn’t do a good enough job, but fuck, Dad, I can’t leave ‘em. It’s my family.” And really, that’s what it’s all come down to. “Who the hell is gonna take care of their dumbasses when I’m gone? I know I’ll just be too damn distracted thinkin’ ’bout ‘em.

“Every time I see some blond guy, I know I’ll just think about Mac, and I can’t do that. I know it’s selfish—I know I’m selfish—but I can’t leave him. Mac’s already got too much shit goin’ on, and I can’t be the one to add to that. Can’t stand up and leave like his deadbeat daddy.”

With a harsh laugh, Jack shakes his head. “Damn guy is still terrorizing Mac, too. Dragging him along missions, lying to him every day- I can’t leave Mac with him. Worst damn father since Elwood, I’ll tell you that much.” Jack sighs, looking up at the sky for a few moments. “I’m too afraid to leave Mac. That’s the truth.

“He, uh, he got into some trouble up in Oregon, couple of weeks ago. Somehow the kid found honest to god bank robbers in the middle of nowhere- I couldn’t believe it. Anyway, I’ll spare you the details, but Mac’s on crutches now. Will be for a couple weeks longer too, damn bullet cracked the bone. Point is, I can’t leave him like that. He’s already runnin’ through the house, knocking every damn thing down including himself. What’s he gonna do if I disappear on him? I’ve already had to catch him half a dozen times.”

It’s no surprise that Mac has too much pent-up energy, but Jack swears that this time is worse than the last time Mac was on crutches. “I know that Kovacs is gonna wreak havoc downrange, but I just can’t go after him this time.”

Sighing, Jack looks at the curve of the ‘J’ on his father’s grave. “But it’s better this way for Mac. He’ll be safer this way, even if it’s ’cause of my own damn selfishness. I can’t just leave without a trace, Pops, I just can’t. Even though I’m a goddamn coward for doing this, I won’t leave to chase down Kovacs.”

Actually saying it out loud makes Jack more sure of himself. This is what he needs to do. “I’m gonna take care of my kids just like you did. ’Til the day I die.”

#macgyver #macgyver 2016 #angus macgyver #jack dalton #ellen macgyver #james macgyver #in which vi actually writes

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

Can you maybe do waist hug and hiding their face on the others neck?? (Spencer doing it) They are my favorites 🥰🥰 maybe to comfort reader or something, I’m such a fan of you and you’re writing and I love asking you questions

Sorry it took so long!!

Word Count— 950

Pairing- Spencer x Gender Neutral Reader

CW- Reader’s mother is diagnosed with cancer

Sorry that it looks wonky. I’m on mobile

—

Hanging up your cell phone, you know you’re a different person. It changes your life to learn that your mom has cancer. Your hands are cold and struggle to hit the red button to end the call. Her shaky voice echoes in your ears. You hate that you’re making her be the brave one when she’s the one being poked and prodded. She must be so scared, but all you can think of is how scared you are.

All you want to do is curl up in your blanket on your couch, thinking about the happier times you had with her. You wonder if those are the last happy times you’ll get. It will kill you, actually kill you to not have her light in your life. Your cell phone rings again and you check to see if it’s your mom. Maybe this is all a really sick, twisted joke. Maybe she’s okay.

But it’s not your mom. It’s Spencer. It breaks your heart, but you can’t bear to talk to him right now. You couldn’t even look him in the eyes, because he’s the only person in this world that can see right through you. He’d be able to take a single glance at the dull shine in your eyes and know that nothing is right and everything is wrong. Spencer is a problem solver, and you don’t want your problems solved.

He calls again. And then a third time. But you don’t answer any of the calls he makes. You hope that he will stop after the third phone call and think that you’re sleeping or cleaning. While your life is crumbling before your eyes, the only thing you want to do is to keep Spencer safe. Safe from you and your problems. Your mom is already sick and you can’t even think about what it will be like to lose her. But Spencer? You know you’ll be ruined if you lose him.

Maybe it’s ten minutes later, or thirty, you don’t really care enough to tell, but a loud knock on your door wakes you up from your sleepy state. Opening the door to your apartment, you stare blankly at Spencer, unsure exactly what to say to him. Which is strange, because when it comes to Spencer you always know exactly what to say.

“Oh thank goodness you’re alright,” Spencer says, brushing past you and already taking his shoes off, “I thought it was mine night to get take out. I got Thai if that’s alright?” He says, hardly taking a breather as he speeds around the apartment.

You don’t respond, still not sure what to say to him. It’s hard to come out right and say “my mother might be dying”. Even when that person is the light of your life and can’t read your mind like a book.

“Y/N,” Spencer says, standing in the kitchen with the bags of food in his hands, “Sweetheart, are you alright?” he asks, taking a step forward into your living room to come closer to you.

“I-I,” you start, scared out of your wits to actually say these words. When you say it aloud it seems so much more real. And you don’t want it to be real, “I- my mom called me today. And she has some bad news. She’s sick. It’s cancer,” you explain, studying the unreadable look on Spencer’s face. He’s a stoic statue, not letting his fears or his worry muddle yours. You’re grateful for him, his kindness and sensitivity might be the only thing that will get you through the hard months to come.

“Oh baby,” Spencer says, rushing towards you with open arms, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here with you when you got the call. I should have been here,” Spencer says into your sweater. You’re not really listening to him, so you just nuzzle your face into his neck. He’s warm and safe— everything you need right now and will always need.

“I-I feel like I can’t breathe, Spence. I’m so scared,” you cry, tugging on harder to his upper body like he’s your lifeline. His arms grip your waist and he’s the only thing that reminds you to breathe.

The steady rise and fall of his chest against yours is a soothing symphony. Spencer breathes, you breathe. It's a tango of hot breath against sweaty necks, glasses crushed against chests, and nervous palms tugging on cardigans for dear life.

“Breathe with me, my darling. In and out. In and out,” Spencer says, his voice soft and steady like he’s trying to convince a scared kitten that he’s not dangerous.

So you breathe, in and out, trying to mirror Spencer’s more balanced, certain breaths. He smells like his woodsy cologne. You never told him that you stole his bottle from his bag when you started dating, just wanting to smell him even when he’s gone. He’d probably think you’re crazy for stealing his cologne, so you decided to keep that secret to yourself. But the smell of his cologne reminds you that you’re loved and safe— it’s your home when your home is off fighting monsters.

Spencer’s tight grip on your waist loosens as he brings his hands up to cup your face gently. His eyes pour into yours, and you’re tempted to think that even he looks scared. You don’t dare move your arms from his body, not wanting to be parted for even a minute.

“I know this is going to be hard,” Spencer says, wiping your dried tears and new, fresh ones, “it’s going to be really hard. But I’m going to be there. The whole time,”

#spencer reid blurbs masterlist #Spencer Reid blurbs #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader

[fluffymcu]

Letting Loose

Part TEN

This series is TICKLE related. Outfits that are linked here are purely for picturing the clothes, you don’t have to look like the model.

Series Summary:  You’re the little sister of the one and only Captain America. You’re also the youngest girl on the team, so that automatically makes you the avengers’ little princess. And they spoil you as such. They have become your amazing family and you don’t know where you’d be without them. This series will show random adventures and fluffy events in the daily life of the reader and her family, along with an unexpected turn later on as you read.

A/N: I’m so exited to have gotten to the big twist! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter even though it doesn’t have any tickle scenes in this one just because I didn’t really feel it fit right with this part since it’s kinda serious.

Warnings: Drama?

Word Count: 2,335

Previous       Next

----

“I don’t understand, how is that possible?” You ask her, the team equally as confused. You had let her in, motioning for her to take a seat. She did so with a sigh and had a look of mild annoyance. 

“To put it simply, I was made out of a one night stand. My mom was Cassandra Murray.” She started, Tony instantly recognizing that name and gulping at the small pang of sadness hitting his chest. “She got diagnosed with cancer when I was 12. I didn’t have any other family because my mom and her parents had a falling out years ago for being too abusive. Of course, she didn’t want me staying with my abusive grandparents ever, or ending up in foster care, so she made me promise that when she died, I would go straight to find my father.” 

“I don’t understand, why didn’t your mother tell me she was pregnant or that I had a daughter?” Tony asked, his brows furrowed in deep confusion. Ruby Anne only shrugged and looked away.

“She never said. She just... kept it a secret until I was old enough to know who you were and she finally told me you were my father.” The room feel into a deep silence before Steve decided to speak up.

“Well, thank you for keeping your promise coming to us. You’ll stay here in the compound until you’re of legal age and after that you can decide where you want be. But we’d be happy to have you here for as long as you want.” Steve nodded at her, giving her a sympathetic smile before deciding to give them some space. “Oh, and I’m so sorry about your mom. May she rest in peace.” The rest of the team agreed and gave her their apologies before you followed the team out of the living room, leaving Tony and Ruby to talk. 

The room fell silent again, Ruby Anne avoiding Tony’s gaze. He took a deep breath. “Would you like me to... show you to your room?” He asked. She nodded without a word and followed him upstairs, taking her bag with her. 

----

“Holy crap, this is insane!” You exclaimed. All of you were currently in the basement processing the news. The team agreed and ran their fingers through their hair and rubbed their hands on their faces. You were still also very confused as to why she was looking at you weirdly. You had nothing to do with her, why was she giving you weird looks? You knew everybody knew who you were, and that you lived with the team but that wouldn’t really seem like a valid excuse to take it out on you. But then again, we all grieve in different ways??

“Yup, and we’ve seen some weird crap over the years.” Clint chuckled humorlessly, taking a seat on one of the cushions. “Poor Tony, this is gonna hit him hard.” Your stomach tied itself in a knot at the thought of Tony being so distraught. Tony deserved only happiness and the fact that he might be experiencing something other than that made you frown. 

“But, he’s Tony. He can handle anything, right?” You asked, doubt and worry dripping from your words. When you didn’t receive a verbal answer, instead just unsure looks, you sighed, making it your mission to help Tony as much as he needed with this situation.

--- 

“Okay! This is you.” Tony sighed, giving her a small smile as she walked in, putting her bag by the bed and looking around, showing no expression. “Umm, listen, so I know you’re going through a tough time right now, your mother just... passed and I just wanna say I’m so sorry. And I mean that for everything. For-” He gets cut off by Ruby Anne looking at him straight in the eye for the first time since she got here.

“I don’t need your pity right now. I’m fine. Thanks for the room, I’m good for now.” She says dryly, turning her back to him. 

He wants to say he’s surprised at her behavior but how could he? He hadn’t been there for her, and her mother just died, and now she has to come live with a bunch of strangers all of a sudden. So no, he wasn’t surprised at her distant behavior, but he could only hope she would warm up soon so he could make up for all of that lost time. He nodded quietly, grabbing the knob to her door. “Well, if you need anything, anything at all, just let know.” And with that, he left, shutting the door behind him. Ruby sighs, and sits down on the big chair next to her nightstand and stares around the room. It’s nothing like her room at home. Everything in here looked expensive, but it didn’t surprise her. It was the Avengers compound after all. 

-----

You and the team were surrounding the kitchen island trying to have a normal conversation after all of this, but failing miserably. Moments later Tony joins them at the island and sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. You frown and feel bad for him, walking over to give him a hug. He returns it, a sad expression on his face. 

“I know it’s only the first day but it still hurts to see her hate me.” He mumbled. 

Nat tilted her head and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “She doesn’t hate you Tony, she’s just stressed. Like you said, this is the first day and a lot of things are changing for her and it may be too much for her right now. Plus she’s going through grief right now, so just give her time. She’ll come around.” She smiled, the rest of the team nodding in agreement. Tony sighed, not really believing it but nodding nonetheless. Now he just has to explain to Pepper why there’s another 15 year girl living in the compound when she comes back from her business trip.

---- 

It’s been 2 weeks, things have settled down a bit, the news finally settling in. The talk between Pepper and Tony going much better than expected, Pepper being very understanding and supportive. It made Tony feel at least a little better about the situation now that he had the support of his wife. Ruby Anne is still very distant, but he tells himself to be patient and give her time and space. She’ll warm up. He thought. She’ll warm up.

You and Peter trudged down the stairs, ready for school, waving everyone goodbye before running out to the car. Ruby was already there, sitting in the front seat next to Happy since you and Peter always sat in the back.

You thanked Happy, the 3 of you getting out of the car and walking inside. When Peter left to go to his class, you took advantage of this small time alone to try and talk to her, and maybe convince her to spend a little time with Tony.

“Hey, so maybe you wanna spend a little time with tony after school? I know he’s been eager to get to know you better and be a father to you?” You smile, trying to get her excited about spending some quality time with her dad. She turned to look at you with dulled eyes.

“He’s never been a father to me.” She ground out, walking in front of you. You stay there for a few seconds in mild shock but quickly recover, shaking off the stress and catching up to her.

“Ok... but,,, he didn’t know you had- you know, he didn’t know you existed then. But he does now! And he wants to apologize for everything and fix it!” You shrug cheerfully. She glanced at you once more before shaking her head and walking faster.

“No thanks.” She spat. You stand there and sigh, watching her advance and roll your eyes tiredly.

The whole school day you were thinking of plans to get Ruby Anne out of her shell. Right now, you would have liked it better if she could start warming up to Tony but apparently that wasn’t gonna happen just yet. So your next move was trying to get her to warm up to the rest of the team. Or at least for now, you and Peter.

———

You had gotten home later that day because traffic was horrible today so by the time you, Peter and Ruby got home, dinner was ready and they were waiting for you at the table.

“I’m not eating tonight.” Ruby mumbles, going straight to her room and closing the door. You raise your eyebrows a bit in mild awkwardness as you and Peter make your way to the table. Tony sighs, almost inaudible but you heard it. Pepper pats Tony’s back and reassured him. “Don’t worry, she’ll come around.”

“I wonder when that’ll be.” He chuckled dryly and you all begin to eat, trying to change the subject to a happier matter. You hate to see Tony so upset like this. And although you understood what Ruby was going through right now, the fact that his own daughter was the cause of him feeling like this didn’t sit right with you. You were getting impatient for him.

——-

3 weeks have passed, and Ruby has taken no steps toward getting to know anyone on the team. She would literally spend the whole day in her room if she wasn’t in school.

It was a Friday afternoon, and you all had gotten back from school and you and peter were watching a movie with Bucky and Wanda in the small movie theatre in the basement. Tony went to check up on Ruby, as he did everyday, hoping today would be the day where they take a positive step towards healing.

Ruby sighed when she heard the knock on her door and she rolled her eyes, letting out a mumbled “come in.” and facing away from the door. Tony stepped in, offering a smile even though she couldn’t see it. “Hey.” He started, not surprised when she didn’t respond.

“I uhh, just wanted to-“ He paused, not wanting to be turned down immediately again, deciding to delay the subject a bit. “Uhh y/n and Peter are down in the basement. They’re watching a movie with Barnes and Wanda. You didn’t wanna join them?” He asks.

She shakes her head silently, acting annoyed and shifting in her position. Tony bites his lip for a moment before trying once again to talk to her. “I also cane to say that I’m really sorry for not being there for you. If I had known-“ He sighs deeply as he gets cut off like he does every time he brings it up, looking down at the floor as she talks. But this time, she snaps at him.

“Look! I didn’t want to come here! The only reason I came in the first place was because I promised my mom I would. I didn’t want to come here!! I begged her not to make come here, but she made me promise because she didn’t want me ending up in an orphanage or foster care. That’s it! My mom was there for me!! You weren’t.” She spat, turning back around and giving him her back. Tony stood there, shocked. It was the longest conversation they’ve had together in the 2 months she’s been here, and it was to snap at him.

“I-I know, I didn’t know she had a daughter. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I promise, if I had known, I would never-“ he paused, chocking up a little as the guilt overtakes him. “I would have been there for you.”

She rolled her eyes and looking down at the floor, her brows knitted together. “I don’t need a father.” She seethed. “I spent all the important years of my life without one. It can stay that way.” She mumbled. Tony stayed there in silence, processing her words, and slowly nodding.

“Ok.” He sighs, leaving the room and closing the door, making his way down the halls. Ruby feels a bit of guilt for a split second before anger overcoming it and he grunts, taking a seat on the chair and moping.

———

After the movie, you go to check on Tony and after looking everywhere else, you go check down in his lab and you find him there, working on a suit. As you come in and walk closer to him, you notice how distraught he looks and your heart hurts as you walk faster over to him and rest your hand on his shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Tony looks up at you, giving you a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and looks down to his work. “She uhh,,, doesn’t want me around her; at all. Says she’s lived all the important years of her life without me, so she can keep it that way.” He mumbled. You furrow your eyebrows at the fact that she would actually say that to her father. “Maybe I should just let her be. When she’s a legal adult, she’ll be allowed to leave the compound and she won’t have to see me again.” Your body jerks up a bit at the sound of Tony being close to giving up and you shake your head.

“No, don’t give up, Tony! She’s your daughter. She’s gonna be a challenge... I mean, she is your daughter after all,” you smile lightly, hoping to liven up the mood. Tony chuckles once and shrugs.

“Yeah, but... if she doesn’t want this, why should I force her.” He draws his lips in a fine line.

“Because she’s your daughter. And you have to show her that you’ll be there for her now, and that you won’t give up on her. Make her know she’s worth it to you. It’s gonna be hard, but, you can do it! You’re Iron man.” You smirk, nudging him a bit. He smirks up at you and hugs you tightly.

“My little munchkin.” He cooes, pulling apart from the hug to look at you again. “You sure you’re not gonna be jealous now since you’re gonna have to share my attention between you, Peter, and Ruby Anne?” He teased, pinching your hip causing you to giggle.

“No. She deserves all your attention right now.” You grin, patting Tony’s head affectionately. He smiled and nods, promising himself that he won’t give up.

———-

So since this chapter was a bit serious, there wasn’t really any tickle scenes, but chapter 11 will have lots of fluff so that will be out this Friday! I also have a short Steve x reader imagine that I will post next week :)

#ticklish!reader #tickle fight #avengers tickle #marvel tickle #tickle fluff #avengers #marvel #marvel mcu #peter parker #peter x reader #peter parker x reader

[catchyoulaterhotdog]

Country boy, I love you AU

What’s up, i’m back on my bullshit with this self indulgent country boy!Willie and city boy!Alex au. The new tag is country boy I love you au because I finally came up with a name. Since I don’t really write I wanted to write out some head canons for this au as I pump out more drawings. Put under the cut for anyone who doesn’t want to read all my ramblings.

Willie

Last name is Thomson, lives with his family on a big farm, has an older brother and a younger sister, plus his cousin Flynn lives with him!

Absolutely loves animals and getting up early. My boy is up crowing with the Roosters.

Can cook and bake like a god, predominantly works in the bakery in the back of his parent’s market. You have to try his homemade donuts, they’re to die for.

His parents are Renee and Allen, his sister is Fivel, his brother Matthew. Y’all already know Flynn

Absolutely loves horses!!! Had a horse boy phase, probably still in it.

His parents and trainer try to get him to do horse shows but he’d much rather go on trail rides all day

His formal trainer is Caleb Covington, who wishes he’d use his skills for much more than just running around the woods and pretending to be Merida from Brave.

Absolute best friends with Reggie and Julie, who he’s known all of his life. Reggie works as a stable keep and Julie works at the market with him.

Flynn and him are tight-knit, and tease each other about their respective crushes on some cute but definitely out of place people on the farm.

Friendly as hell but super energetic a lot of the time, can take some time to get use to him.

Carries around stim toys for him and Reggie in his bag, even sometimes puts them in saddle bags when they go out for rides.

Assigned to help out Alex, a new boy to town who just needed a job and didn’t expect this.

Alex

Lives with Carrie and Trevor Wilson, Carrie being his cousin, since coming out to his parents didn’t go so well

Trevor decides to move out to the countryside to find some new inspiration for his music and get out of the stuffy city life.

Trevor becomes friends with Ray (cough cough) and Alex is introduced to his daughter Julie

They hit it off and when Alex mentions needing a job, Julie recommends him to the Thomsons.

Shows up to his first day of work in a nice shirt plus his fanny pack, along with some nice jeans he had patched and painted with Carrie.

Willie is enamored but is like, what the hell are you wearing? As Willie stands there in beat up overalls and a very loose flannel button up. 

Alex is not amused, going through mud and hay and all this gunk to work with animals.

Low key terrified of the horses at first, the only animal he trusts is Willie’s beloved sheep dog, named Hot Dog for some reason???

Thinks Willie is hot way too energetic and kind of hates him at first.

Rants to Carrie, think Draco ranting about Harry to his dad, “You won’t believe what he made me do today!!! I almost slipped and ended up pig food! And He had the audacity to look so good in messy braids and overalls covered in filth!”

Low-key wishes he had a job in the market instead but is slowly coming around.

Does have one cow that he absolutely loves

Does absolutely 100% not have a crush on Willie shut the fuck up Carrie.

Julie

Absolute sweetheart and a half, we know this

Lives with her dad and brother in a nice house not too far from Willie’s, they grew up together and him and Flynn are her absolute best friends

Reggie she’s meant a few times but doesn’t really have a lot of time to check out the stables, he seems really nice though.

Works mostly in the bakery part with Willie, she can frost a cupcake like nobody’s business.

Absolutely adores music and she organizes a quarterly concert on the farm where anyone can sign up and help raise funds for cancer awareness (Started after her mom died)

One day a newcomer shows up and his name is Luke

She thinks he is absolutely obnoxious at first, wayyyy too flirty and wayyy too full of himself

Once he catches sight of her though he makes it his mission to go to the farmer’s market as much as possible without seeming to creepy

And maybe, maybe Julie’s starting to think he’s funny

No he’s not cute shut up Alex!!!

Reggie

Horse trainer and stable hand for the Thomsons

Willie loves going on long trail rides with him, they really get each other

Absolutely loves his job and the friends he’s made at the barn

Very common for him to stay with Willie when his parents are fighting

The first one to make friends with Alex on the farm (After Julie), they bond over a shared love of many 90s bands and he helps him come around to the horses

Thinks watching him and Willie in the beginning stages is absolutely hilarious

Takes Alex shopping for some actual appropriate clothing

Gets crushes really really easily, probably has had one on everybody on the farm at some point.

Absolutely loves Julie’s quarterly concerts and always plays the same song-Home is where my horse is

Sometimes on really busy days he’ll help out Willie and Julie in the market

Met Luke at the same concert Julie did and is now very happy to play matchmaker

He loves love!!!

Is trying to teach Luke horseback riding but it’s not going so well

May or may not be the reason the sheep dog is named Hot Dog

Luke

Lives with his friend, Nick, since he ran away from his parents. 

Has dedicated himself to music, and found out about a concert that a local farm did

There he meets Julie and Reggie and he loves them both

Makes it his mission to try and court the lovable but sassy Julie with Reggie as his wingman

Meets Alex and they bond over being into music and a little less country oriented than everyone else.

Though Alex will tell him off if he’s holding up business

Constantly gets snuck onto the farm by Reggie

First to notice the insane tension between Willie and Alex

Flynn

Lives with Willie since her parents travel a lot

Loves the farm but not as much as Willie, she’s not as big into the animals

Always performs with Julie at the concerts

Works in the market but in the produce section

Does hijack the speakers to play modern music

Meets Alex’s sister(?), she thinks Carrie is his sister at first.

Everyone thinks they hate each other but Willie, who realizes Flynn has a big crush on Carrie and tries to get her a job

Flynn will absolutely not admit her crush though 

Is very intrigued by whatever Luke and Julie have going on and teams up with Reggie to make it a thing

No one expects it but Reggie and her make a bomb ass team

They’re pretty close but they don’t hang out as often as they should

Carrie

Absolutely hates this move, even more than Alex

Goes to the farm with him a few times and almost cried when one of her dresses got ruined because a certain worker smashed into her with crates of produce

Though she couldn’t cry because the beautiful girl who smashed into her and was talking a mile a minute had absolutely enamored her.

Alex thinks it is hilarious since it’s finally reversed and she’s not teasing him about his crushes

Carrie is determined to get this girl to like her, but isn’t quite sure how. 

Finds an in when she becomes friends with Julie and Julie knows right away what’s going on between her two friends

Just a lot of oblivious gay pining

#jatp #reggie jatp #reggie peters #luke jatp #luke patterson #alex jatp #alex mercer #julie jatp #julie molina #willie jatp #flynn jatp #carrie jatp #carrie wilson #willex fic #what's carrie and flynn's ship name? #juke #jukebox #potential luke x reggie x julie #not sure on who to ship reggie with yet #willex #headcanons #jatp headcanons #julie and the himbos #julie and the phantoms #ray molina #trevor wilson #may or may not ship them #I'm gay i'm sorry #country boy i love you au

[cultofbeatles]

beginners guide to the beatles

 made one of these a long time ago but i'm surprised by how short it was. so here we go again. doing it right this time lol. 

pov: you told a bad joke and now the beatles are judging you. 

john winston lennon. later in his life known as john winston ono lennon. 

born on october 9, 1940 

i believe in astrology bc how does john just happen to be a libra 

when john was four he started living with his aunt mimi who acted more as his mother figure 

his mother, julia, remarried and would visit him quite a bit.

it was julia who taught john how to play banjo and piano. and she bought his first guitar.

they both had a deep love for music and rock n roll 

he never really thought of her as his mother but more as a cool friend i suppose 

aunt mimi was more rough on him and did the disciplining 

his father was never really present growing up and his uncle passed away when he was young 

he thought he was a curse for the men in his family 

he had five half siblings. two of them, julia and jacqueline, he was pretty close to. the other three he barely knew. 

fashion icon.

hated school but loved art 

very early on he was insecure with himself 

teachers always shit on him and said he would go nowhere in life 

he met paul at a church fete on july 6, 1957 

paul taught him how to play guitar properly.

once told paul that he didnt know how paul carried on after his mother died bc he just didn't think he could do it 

john’s mother died from being hit by an off duty policemen. john was seventeen at the time. 

 he took her death really hard and became a bit of a recluse. 

first serious relationship was with cynthia (we stan her) 

once cynthia cut her hair short and he didn't talk to her for two days. 

hate men. kill all men. 

when he asked her to dance at a party she turned him down saying that she was engaged, and so he said “well i didn't ask you to fucking marry me, did i?” 

slapped her once bc he was drunk and another boy was talking to her.

only time her hit her.

read cynthia’s books about john pls. i beg. 

once a psychic told him that he would be shot in the states.

founder of the beatles and also came up with the name.

instruments he could play: guitar, harmonica, rhythm guitar, banjo, keyboard, piano, saxophone, bass guitar, and a little drums. 

main songwriter in the beatles along with paul.

was more open minded to change in the beatles music. 

was insecure in his relationship with paul after a while bc he thought he only needed him for songwriting. 

would bitch about paul all day long but the second anyone else said something about him he’d be on their ass. 

had a lot of issues and needed a good hug. 

suffered from eating disorders, drug addictions, depression, insecurities, and questioned his sexuality bc of the time. 

was super open minded and ahead of his time in many instances. 

once he was called “the fat beatle” and after that he stopped eating as much.

truly loved his first son, julian lennon, and would buy him presents all the time bc he was excited to see him play with them.

“your famous ex husband”

he enjoyed playing monopoly. 

he once claimed that he saw a ufo.

he had written three books but he always wanted to write a children's book.

 the last song he ever performed in front of a live audience was “i saw her standing there.” with elton john.

he was afraid of the dark. 

found out later in his life that he was dyslexic. 

was also legally blind without glasses.

never could catch a break huh.

said that his best lyric ever was “all you need is love” i agree.

the first time yoko and john met was not at her art exhibit but actually when she approached him about giving away songs for free.

wanted to write a musical with paul. 

once a friend dared him to masturbate ten times in one day and he managed to do it nine times.

would hold circle jerks with paul and a few other friends. 

just dudes being dudes. 

went on a holiday with brian epstein, who was gay, and told some people afterward that they did certain sexual things. but we will never know for sure.

yoko says that john was bisexual.

once in an interview he said that he would of married a rich man or woman if he wasn't in the beatles. 

hated his voice on records. would always ask for effects on his voice for final recordings. 

made a film with yoko where it was just his penis going from flaccid to erect for fifteen minutes in slow motion. 

only beatle not to of become a vegetarian while he was alive. 

murdered on december 8, 1980.

gave his autograph earlier in the day to the man who would murder him.

died at the age of 40.

“all my loving” was played while he was at the hospital.

and its spooky bc a lot of times in interviews he would say “when i'm 40..” 

and it’s sad bc he was finally becoming who he truly wanted to be. 

honorable john moments that i love:

“thanks for the purpler hearts” he says while receiving the silver heart 

“you are the first person from liverpool that i've ever seen” “great”

eric lennon on my mind today 

this come together performance where he messed up the lyrics lol

that interview where paul was sick and john keep checking on him 

john lennon speaking nothing but facts 

when he said that he could see the beatles going separate ways but that they'd always come back together.

SHUT UP 

“shut up while he’s talking..”

this interview breaks my heart sometimes 

and this interview is great as well 

sir james paul mccartney 

born on june 18, 1942

if you ever have spare time just check out this man’s natal chart. 

idk how he’s still alive with his chart tbh. 

he has a younger brother named mike and a step sister named ruth. 

his dad thought he was the ugliest baby he’d ever seen when he was born. 

when he was young paul would kill frogs in a way to prepare himself for the war if he ever was drafted. 

the first instrument he ever learned to play was the trumpet.

I don't even want to list every instrument this man can play but trust me when I say it’s a lot.

but for the beatles he mainly did bass, vocals, and piano. sometimes playing the guitar and the drums.

the beatles was just paul moving really, really fast. 

he lost his mother when he was 14 due to surgery for breast cancer.

never really learned how to cope well with loss of a loved one tbh. 

had the cutest chubby cheeks as a kid tbh 

met john and was accepted into his band 

sometimes they'd ditch school together and either work on music or would visit art galleries.

went to paris with john and john bought him all the banana milkshakes that he wanted.

connected over their love and admiration for music, and bc they had both lost their mothers. 

had a girlfriend’s mom who he would make comb his leg hairs. 

was an ass to his first girlfriend.

kill all men again. 

almost had to marry his girlfriend dot bc she was pregnant, but she ended up losing the baby.

was the one who introduced george harrison to john.

practically despised pete best and stuart stutcliffe bc they were bringing the group down. 

got arrested along with pete best bc they lit a condom on fire in hamburg.

still felt awful and a little guilty when stuart died suddenly. 

main force behind the beatles imo. 

without him we’d have not as much beatles music as we do. 

was dating jane asher throughout majority of the sixties. 

when they first met they talked about syrup and paul fell in love.

they broke things off after she walked in on him sleeping with another woman though.

directed magical mystery tour and it was amazing and I don't care what anyone says ok?

when john divorced cynthia he was the only one not scared of john and went against his wishes of not speaking to cynthia.

was a little controlling at times. 

has a good heart though. 

mal evans had to drive him home once after a beatles sessions bc he was crying so hard. 

was talking about getting the band back to touring when john said he was leaving the group. 

everyone kind of turned against him when the beatles were breaking up and i hate it.

he just wanted what was best for the band.

married linda and had a nice little farm. 

we love that story.

linda i'm free thursday if you want to hang out pls.

started up the whole “no meat monday” thing where you don't eat monday on mondays

food meat. not the other kind of meat.

children: james mccartney, stella mccartney, heather mccartney, mary mccartney, and beatrice mccartney. 

rip martha. 

WINGS!! 

he lost linda in 1998 due to cancer.

 cried for a whole year bc of it.

still has dreams about john and says they're nice.

wrote a sad song about john called “here today.”

really loved john. like..he truly, genuinely did. 

want someone to love me like paul does john. 

“think of me every now and then old friend.”

honorable paul moments:

his story about george’s dad 

“john? he was beautiful. very beautiful.”

humpty dumpty rap 

another story about him and george.

his google search video that I watch every week 

this 

george harrison 

born: February 24, 1943 

or at least we think 

bc he use to say that his birthday was february 25, but later started saying it february 24. 

why can't we change our birthdays its not like we picked it 

he was the youngest child.

baby of the family and of the beatles awwww

two older brothers named harry and peter. one older sister named louise.

when george’s mom was pregnant with him she’d play sitar music.

his mom was super supportive of his career choice 

when he was 16 he worked as an electricians apprentice.

his dad kind of hoped he would start a family business out of it.

george said nah

would ride the bus opposite way of his house just to spend time with paul 

headbutted a kid bc he didn't think they were worthy of paul’s friendship 

was brought into the band bc of paul insisting to john 

would follow john around like a lost puppy when he first met him 

once had an eight hour erection. don't ask me how idk he said it.

was 17 when he lost his virginity and the other band members were in the room watching and cheered him when he finished 

most sex craved beatle tbh 

once walked into a girls dressing room and asked if they could stand there so he could masturbate 

he was the first beatle to go to america 

got a black eye for defending ringo once 

would make john and paul take turns sharing rooms with ringo when he first joined the band so that he felt more welcomed 

when ringo left during the white album and then came back george decorated the studio with flowers for him 

during the beatles first recording session he told george martin that he didn't like his tie

became a vegetarian at 22 

favorite candy was jelly beans and purple was his favorite color 

used the phrase “grotty” in the hard days night movie, hated it, but everyone else picked up on the slang 

met his first wife, pattie boyd, on the set of a hard days night 

was turned down by her at first 

they married in 1966

wouldn't let her do modeling stuff and was kind of an ass 

a stylish couple but not the best image for a healthy relationship 

got into eastern religion around 1965 

during the Hamburg days he would eat chicken on stage 

had an affair with ringo’s first wife maureen 

got a divorce from pattie in 1977

in 1978 he married olivia who he stayed with until his death and had one son with. dhani.

was the first beatle to hit a number one single and album. 

was buddies with led zeppelin

inspired their “rain song” 

smashed a piece of cake on john bonham’s head and then was thrown into the pool by him 

he financed and produced films. had a production company.

tom petty said that george never shut up once you started talking to him 

but he was often referred to as “the quiet beatle”

formed another band called the traveling wilburys

he’d answer questions online in the 2000′s and it’s the cutest thing ever and his answers break my heart too.

“what do you miss most about john lennon?” “john lennon.”

in 1999 a schizophrenic person broke into his house and stabbed him 40 times 

thank god olivia was there bc she was the only braincell in the room 

had to get a part of his lung taken out 

died november 29, 2001 from lung cancer 

ashes were scattered into the ganges river 

honorable george moments:

this interview he did with ringo 

“i'm sad bc i can't play guitars with john anymore. but i did that...i know we’ll meet again some day.”

when he invented reaction videos 

“the wind was blowing.” “..blowing my girl?”

“what kind of girl do you like?” “john’s wife.”

sir richard starkey aka ringo starr 

born on july 7, 1940 

oldest member in the group 

has no siblings 

naturally was left handed but his grandma thought it was bad luck so he writes right handed, and plays drums with a right handed kit 

but does everything else left handed

when he was 6 he fell into a two month coma 

was a very sick child 

when he was 13 he was in the hosiptal for tuberculosis and formed a hospital band 

grew up poor 

loves and looked up to his stepfather a lot 

his step father bought him his first drum kit in 1957

wasn't that great in school bc he missed so much of it from being so sick 

he worked for a britain railway for a while 

also served drinks on a day boat for a job 

loves dancing 

Rory storm and the hurricanes 

got his nickname from all the rings he would wear

replaced pete best as the beatles drummer 

dealt with people hating him for a bit bc they liked pete more 

had to style his hair in a bowl cut to be in the band and i'm still mad at them for making him do that shit 

ringo i'm so sorry 

george martin didn't really like his drumming and had a session drummer come in for the first album 

in 1964 he had tonsillitis, pharyngitis, and high fever all at once and had to be in the hospital for a bit.

was worried the beatles would replace him for good 

he’s a cancer don't worry

was the first beatle to try weed 

drummers always go first huh 

married his first wife, maureen, in 1965 

she kissed paul, ringo, and george.

what a champ

honeymoon was ruined by reporters 

was really insecure in his relationship and needed a lot of reassurance 

had a great relationship with pretty much all the beatles 

but a great one with john 

john felt his most relaxed when he was with ringo

was once in a movie with roger daltrey 

divorced maureen in 1975 

his wife now is barbara bach who he married in 1981 

had alcohol problems 

once gotten so drunk that he beat barbara so badly that he thought he killed her 

put himself into rehab after that 

barbara lowkey looks like jan from the office 

children: zak, lee, and jason

zak is the drummer for the band the who 

peace and love 

but don't send me fan mail anymore 

peace and love 

ringo starr and the allstar band (starting 1981)

was the narrator for thomas the tank engine 

will play at paul’s concerts sometimes now for fun 

mad bc he came on stage during paul’s last concert show and it was on my birthday and I couldn't go to it 

honorable ringo moments:

“do you want me to come with you?”

stupid barbara walters 

talking about paul 

giving us a little dance 

#hopefully this one is more better #took forever omfg #and its still not great #mad at myself #oh well #enjoy nothing #the beatles #the #beatles #the beatles moments #the beatles posts #John lennon #John #lennon #paul mccartney #paul #mccartney #ringo starr #ringo #starr #george harrison #george #harrison

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES: New Year’s Day January 1st, Friday

Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.

song credit:

marjorie- taylor swift

CHAPTER THREE:  glitter on the floor after the party

Mikasa stood there, absolutely dumbfounded.

Had Eren really just walked away from her again?

The door opened again.

An unmasked Zeke Jaeger stepped back out and sighed.

“Fucking idiot,” he muttered under his breath as he lit a cigarette.

Mikasa looked over at him.

She knew he was right.

She was an idiot.

As if he was reading her mind, Zeke spoke again.

“Him, not you.” He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around Mikasa’s shoulders.

“Why are you being so nice to me? If it’s out of pity…”

Zeke laughed, “It is not you, I pity. It is him. Eren. He is a fucking idiot. I cannot blame him though. I understand it. My father kept my mom and I a secret, that was bad. What he did to Eren, that was worse.” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Not my place to tell you or I would.”

What could she even say to that?

Eren didn’t want to tell her, he didn’t want to let her in.

Instead he had left her...twice. She didn’t know what she would do if he left a third time.

“Didn’t your dad die of lung cancer?” She asked.

She knew he had.

She had been at his funeral, holding Eren’s hand as Grisha was buried in the ground.

Zeke couldn’t help but laugh, “yeah, he did. Fucker deserved worse.” He stomped on the cigarette before turning to go inside. “Do not stay out here too long. Do not want you getting sick. I should find out where Eren wandered off to.”

She began to remove his jacket.

Zeke held up a hand. “Keep it. It’s Eren’s anyway.”

The door swung open to reveal four very angry women and a very angry Armin.

“I’ll take out his knee caps. Annie, you tackle him and take him down,” Ymir called out.

“I feel awful. I really had no idea Niccolo was in a band with Eren…” Sasha sobbed.

Everyone froze when they saw Zeke and Mikasa.

“Hello,” Zeke said with the tiniest of waves.

“Zeke?” Armin questioned.

“Hello, Armin. Mikasa probably needs you all right now. I have to find out where my brother wandered off to this time.”

“Well then you can take Annie and me right to him. Today is the day he loses those kneecaps!” Ymir cracked her knuckles.

Zeke just laughed, “Eren deserves it, there is no doubt, but as his brother, I must protect him. He only began to walk again..”

Everyone’s eyes began to widen as Zeke realized what he had said.

“Fuck! I shouldn’t have said that," Zeke remarked.

Mikasa felt as if she was lost at sea, she was drowning.

Her eyes began to fill with tears.

Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest.

Eren hadn’t been able to walk?

What was wrong with him?

She couldn’t breathe.

“Zeke, what is wrong with Eren?” Armin spoke up.

“Mentally or physically?”

“Both,” Historia whispered.

Zeke ran his hand through his hair before he lit up another cigarette. “He is going to kill me for even saying that much...I suppose there is no problem with telling you what is already common knowledge.”

“We already know he’s bipolar. I found the band’s website on Instagram,” Annie said as she walked towards Mikasa. She took her hand, slowly pulling her in front of the girls. Sasha took Mikasa's other hand and rested her head on Mikasa’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Mika,” Sasha whispered.

“It’s okay,” Mikasa replied.

They all turned their attention back to Zeke who seemed to be observing them all with great c uriosity.

“Then you already saw that his liver went bad too. I cannot tell you much else. There are other things wrong with Eren but like your loyalty to Mikasa, my loyalty is to my brother. He may be an asshole but he is my family. My only family. I do not ask you to understand or even forgive him. I think he is acting like an idiot,” Zeke paused to take a drag of his cigarette. “ While he is my only family, I was not his. I do not agree with him leaving his other family because things got hard. He is acting like our father by doing that.”

“Is he going to die?” Mikasa’s voice cracked.

“We’re all going to die but no. Not anytime soon. The treatment of his liver was successful. I should really go find him and you all should get out of the cold. Goodnight, ladies and Armin.”

And with that, Zeke Jaeger disappeared into the night to find his brother.

No one moved to go inside. They all looked to Mikasa for what they should do next.

“I’m tired,” she whispered.

“Let’s go back to the hotel then. Limo is out front already. I thought we’d need a getaway car,” Historia laughed.

Mikasa’s eyes were still filled with tears, her heart was still racing, and it was hard to breathe.

But she wasn’t drowning or lost at sea anymore.

No, she was safe.

She couldn’t help but feel bad for Eren.

She had once been his anchor but now, he had no one. So she began to cry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zeke didn’t have to go very far to find Eren. He was sitting in the passenger seat of the van they had rented to move the equipment. Zeke walked around the driver’s side and opened the door.

“You want to tell me what that was about?” Zeke asked as he climbed into the car.

Eren said nothing.

“Should I schedule you for a session?” Zeke asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

No, Eren wasn’t sure.

He felt more broken than he had when the night had started.

He hadn’t expected to see her here. The last he had heard, she had moved away to pursue her dreams with her new band.

Eren was not ready for this. He had thought he had been when he had sent her the letter.

But how wrong he had been.

“Am I sure I’ll be fine? No. I just want to go home and go to sleep. Is that okay?” Eren answered as he clicked his seatbelt into place.

--------------------------------------------------------

Why had they all slept on the floor of their suite when there three bedrooms each with two beds attached?

Well it was simple.

No one wanted to leave Mikasa alone. Mikasa was very grateful for her friends.

After stopping for breakfast, they all went back to the Ackerman house.

“I’m sorry, Mikasa,” Sasha apologized again.

“Sasha, really. It’s not your fault. Go be with your family. Isn’t Connie coming over so you, Jean, and him can watch movies? I promise. I’m not mad.” Mikasa hugged her friend tightly so she knew they were okay.

Annie and Armin were awkwardly standing by Annie’s car while Ymir and Historia were standing by the limo.

“You guys can go too. I’m fine. Levi is here. Hange is here. Besides, there’s something I have to do today.”

Armin gave her a look.

He knew exactly where she was going.

She nodded.

Ymir, Historia, and Annie look at each other.

“Text us if you need us,” Armin said before he got into Annie’s car.

The other three followed his lead.

As she opened the front door, two furry creatures moved in for the attack. They began to bark and run around her legs.

“Ahh!” She screamed as she shut the door behind her and dropped her bag.

“Sawney! Bean!” Hange yelled as the dogs continued to run laps around Mikasa’s legs.

“Puppies?” Mikasa was very confused at the moment.

“Levi’s. Late Christmas gift. His therapist said that a pet would be good for him. I found these guys. They’re corgis! Look at their little legs!”

The two potato size golden furred creatures jumped up trying to get Mikasa’s attention.

“They’re extremely smart! They can herd cattle with those tiny legs!” Hange picked up one of the puppies and handed it to Mikasa. The puppy began licking her face.

“Tiny legs...sounds like someone else I know…” She muttered as she petted the corgi.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Those jokes never get old, brat,” Levi remarked as he walked into the room holding two flower bouquets. “Sure you don’t want me to come?”

Mikasa sat the puppy down on the floor and took the flowers from Levi.

“No, I’ll be fine. Keys?”

Levi handed her the keys.

“I’ll be back soon.”

-------------------------------

The graveyard was always empty on New Year’s Day which was why Mikasa always made a stop here. She strolled through the headstones before coming to a stop. She gently placed one the flower bouquets on the grave.

“Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.” She sat down in front of the grave. “I wrote 40 songs since I saw you last. Historia and I are really making good music together. I wish I had her voice though. She can hit those high notes and my voice just can’t. Levi said you were the same way, Mom. Your voice was lower when you sang. He said when you’d come over, you'd go play the piano and just sing. Even though it was Dad’s family…..it didn’t matter. You just came in and made it yours too….” She could feel the tears rolling down her face.

“He let the piano get out of tune. Hange bought him two puppies. They’re corgis. He thinks I don’t know how hard he’s struggling. He wants me to live my own life but some days, I just wish he’d admit it. He’s too proud.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Ymir and Historia are having problems. I hope they figure it out. I know they're meant to be together. Armin and I made up. I missed him. He wasn’t really to blame anyway. Eren’s bad off...I saw him. He’s not...I don’t know. I don't know what is going on and I don’t know why I care. He’s still got your ring, Dad. He sent me the box back so I don’t know what’s in it. I’m afraid to open it. I….I just don’t know and I really need you, Mom. I need you to be here and be a mom. I can’t talk to Levi about this. I can’t talk to my friends because they hate Eren and I hate him too...at least that is what I tell myself.”

She began to cry harder, “I miss him. I really do but...what do I do?”

She fell silent as she allowed herself to cry. The ache in her chest from losing her parents was indescribable. She could have used a mother right now.

After she stopped crying, she stood up. “One more person to visit today. I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

Mikasa began her walk to the other side of the cemetery.

As she grew closer to the grave, she heard the soft music of an acoustic guitar playing.

Her heart leapt up into her throat.

It couldn’t be.

Fate could not be that cruel.

But it was.

She saw Carla’s grave and Eren sitting in front of it. His hair was pulled up into a bun. He didn’t look up or acknowledge her at all. She placed the flowers on Carla’s headstone before sitting down next to Eren.

The music was soothing.

She closed her eyes and just listened to him play. She hadn’t heard him play since his dad had died until last night. She remembered the hours he had put into learning the guitar, even more than she had put into learning piano. One day, he had played until his fingers bled, Carla had taken his guitar away. Carla had told Eren that he needed to learn balance. He couldn’t push himself that hard.

A lesson that Mikasa knew Eren still hadn’t learned yet.

She couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

As she continued to listen to each cord, she realized this was an entirely new song that she had never heard before. Had Eren written this on his own or was this something he had created with his band?

Every note began to swim around in her head. She could create lyrics from these notes. Lyrics about what? She remembered where she was but it was almost as if she could hear her parents and Carla speaking to her through the music.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” She sang quietly causing Eren to stop playing for a moment. She didn’t open her eyes, she didn’t want to ruin this moment.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” she sang again.

Eren resumed his playing.

It felt so comforting.

It was as if everything else melted away.

She opened her eyes, daring to look at Eren.

He held her gaze from a moment which allowed her to really see him.

There were dark circles underneath his eyes. It was clear he hadn’t had any sleep. He looked away from her.

She couldn’t help but become self conscious.

Should she leave? Had she intruded on a moment between mother and son?

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” Eren sang, making Mikasa realize truly how much she had missed his voice.

Sure, she had heard it the night before but this was different.

This felt private like it was  something only to be shared between them.

They had written songs together before, yes.

Nothing like this though.

Nothing so deeply personal.

When Eren stopped playing, Mikasa was pulled from her thoughts.

“See you later, Mom,” he said as he stood up and readjusted his guitar.

He looked down at Mikasa before offering her his hand.

She took it, allowing him to pull her to her feet.

They began to walk together out to the parking lot.

Mikasa didn’t see Eren’s car in the parking lot.

“Zeke will be back in a couple hours,” Eren muttered as he looked down at the ground.

“I can take you home...to your home.” She looked up at him. He was staring at her. “Carla would kill both of us if I left you here in the cold for hours.”

“I’ve been through worse,” he muttered before he nodded.

The awkwardness between them was almost too much for Mikasa to handle.

She should have left him in the cold.

She should have never offered to take him home but she couldn’t leave him.

Even after all the horrible things he had said to her, done to her, she couldn’t just leave him here alone in a cemetery parking lot.

She unlocked Levi’s car and climbed in.

Eren hesitated for a moment before he got inside.

“I’m at the old house,” he told her before buckling his seatbelt.

Mikasa reversed the car and backed out of the space.

#mmtylif #my writing

[jawritter]

You and Me..

Chapter 2

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** This chapter is pretty light. Mentions of death of characters parents, Jensen is a little bit of an ass, language, that’s pretty much it. 

Word Count: 2057

Pairing: Jensen Ackles X Reader, Jared x reader, OFC Steve x Reader, OFC Justin x Reader.

A/N: When I originally wrote this chapter I didn’t even know who Steve Carlson was, so the Steve in this story isn’t him lol. Oddly enough I wrote this before I even really knew he was making an album lol. Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

You woke up, much like you do every morning, with the alarm clock going off obnoxiously on your bedside table.  Mornings were never your thing, but the bills weren't going to pay themselves. You rub your face hard, trying to force your eyes to focus, and your body to stay awake even though it was putting up one hell of a fight. It wants sleep, and you so desperately want to give it just that.

Finally, after about 15 minutes you roll yourself over and stand up next to the bed, looking around your messy room. You had just moved back to Austin not all that long ago. You had always lived in Texas in one place or another, but just one family vacation to Austin when you were a teenager and you were in love with the city. So as soon as you graduated high school you wasted no time in putting your application in for the University of Texas.

Much to your surprise, and a few others, you were accepted. You had wanted to major in either writing or music. Everything went great for about the first semester. Your grades were good. You worked nights at a local bar, much like a lot of your classmates,  and spent your days in classes. You had new made friends, and you were finally starting to get your foothold in life. Well, that's what you thought anyway.

At the end of your first semester of college, your mother was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. When your family called you moved back to your home town, dropping everything to be with your family. Your mother and you were very close. There was no way you were going to stay away while she fights this demon that they call cancer.

It was a long fight. Over and over again she defied the odds of the doctors and everyone around her. Still, after a long five-year battle she lost her fight with the disease. Once the funeral was over you knew it was way too late to go back to college. You had taken some online courses though, and gotten your degree in creative writing while you were at home taking care of your mother.

You and your father had never really gotten along, so staying home wasn't going to be an option. With all that in mind, you did the only thing you knew to do. You made the move back to Austin in the same month as your mother's funeral. Your father had over the years fallen into alcoholism. He'd always fought it, but after your mother's death, it only got the best of him. You weren’t going to stick around and watch him destroy himself.

Last year he straightened out a curve on the way home. He never survived the crash. Your brother had him cremated. He didn't even bother calling you, and telling you till it was all over. Your brother wasn't happy about you leaving home. He blamed you for your dad's struggle with the bottle after mom died, but that wasn't your fault. You didn't put a funnel in his mouth and make him drink. No one twisted his arm. He did it all on his own.

For the past three years, you had been renting an apartment in downtown Austin. It was a small, just a studio apartment, but it was all you needed. You had also landed a job at a small recording stupid in Austin. Even though you loved writing, and still did it on the side, you hadn't gotten your break yet. Music was your passion. It was what got you up in the morning, and helped you make it through the day. It was your therapy. Your outlet. Your escape from this shit existence that was your life.

You had slowly worked your way up In the studio. Starting with getting coffee, and cleaning behind the artist that came in to record. It didn't take long for Steve, your boss, to see that you had a good ear for music. He put you helping in the recording booth not long after you started.

Today you were informed that there would be a new local artist coming in to start his recording process and you were put on his beat. They didn't tell you his name, but they did say that you would probably recognize him. Even though he was local, he was famous, but they didn’t tell you who he was in order to keep rumors down the only one who knew who was coming was Steve. They made you swear not to tell anyone that he was recording, telling you that he wanted it to stay a secret until the album was done. That's why he chose a local recording studio instead of some big one in California.

As you walked to the studio this morning your nerves were vibrating. Justin, another sound tech that would be working with you today, greeted you at the door.

"You ready Y/N?" he asked, greeting you with a smile over his shoulder.

"Ready as I'll ever be," you tell him, putting your purse under the counter in the lockbox you all used and turning your phone on silent. No outside noises were ever allowed in the studio.

"Well I hate to put more on us than we already got, but there are two things you need to know before the artist gets here today. First, Jennifer, the girl that normally does the coffee, drinks, and whatever else the artist needs isn't going to be here today, her son has strep. Second, Steve will also be sitting in on today's session," he said, looking at you apologetically. 

You hated working with Steve. He was such a jerk when it came to recording time. He wanted everything done too quickly. Always in a rush to make a deadline instead of taking his time, and getting the best recording.

Jennifer being gone, and two other guys in the sound room with you means that you will most likely be stuck on snake detail for this artist, and whatever bunch of groupies he's bringing with him all day.

"Lovely,” you said with a sarcastic eye roll. Justin continued to look at you apologetically.  

“It's cool, let's just get this started. I'll get the recording room ready. How many are in his party today?" you asked, waiting for the answer that you dreaded the most.

"Only one other guy will be coming with him today from what I understand. Today is gonna be a lot of met and discuss. From what I understand there will be a guest singing on this album too. So it's probably a good thing Steve's gonna be here. If this guy is a prick then Steve can handle him." 

Justin's attitude toward the whole situation cracked you up. Apparently, he was just as excited about this as you were.

You walk into the recording room and begin to sit out beers, whiskey, water, and even start the coffee pot going in the break room. You walk back in the recording room and start sitting out shot glasses and other things when you heard voices coming your way. You look up in time to meet a pair of deep emerald green eyes staring back at you.

Your breath catches in your throat as you look around the room at all the men.

"I'm the only chick, great," you think to yourself, but there was something about the smirk on the man's face standing in front of you with the emerald green eyes that made your stomach do flips with a feeling you've never felt before.

He smiled at you and It nearly knocked you off your feet. Damn, this guy is gorgeous. That's when Steve decided to speak up.

"Y/N, this is Mr. Jensen Ackles, and his friend, Jared. Mr. Ackles has graciously chosen our stupid to record his debut album," Steve says, moving to stand beside Jensen.

You try to keep your jaw from hitting the floor as you take in the two actors standing in front of you. You had been a fan of Supernatural for years.

You nod at the two men. "It's nice to meet," you say, and they both smile back at you. Neither spoke, which you found odd. When you watched the con videos online they seemed so friendly.

"The room is ready, Steve," you tell your boss, then quickly as you can scamper into the sound room with Justin to wait for them to get started. 

You didn't really need to know what all they were doing. You just needed to make sure that whatever they were doing sounded good on tape.

"You alright Y/N?" Justin asks as you sit down in the chair with a huff.

"Yeah, That's Jensen freaking Ackles. I'm going to be working with Jensen freaking Ackles," you say in a state of shock.

"Easy girl, you know celebrities don't like to be fangirled all over," Justin says with a chuckle as he fires up the equipment and computers.

"I'm a professional Justin. I'm not going to fangirl all over anyone," you tell him with an eye roll. 

You watch as the men stand there and talk, pointing to different things. Steve getting Jensen ready to get started.

After a few hours of recording, and some drinks later Jensen, as well as Steve and Jared, had loosened up a little. Jared was in the sound room with you guys watching his best friend work. He was easy to talk to. During a break in recording while you were downloading the song he just recorded into the computer, Jared had been showing you pictures of his kids. He'd been cracking you all up with stories for the past hour.

"See this is Tom, trying to prank his little brother with a whip cream pie," he said, leaning over to you, showing you the video. That's when the two of you heard Jensen’s deep voice boom over the monitors.

"Hey, Steve, tell your girl in there to stop flirting with a married man, and go bring me some fucking coffee."

The whole room turned to look at you. Jensen was still sitting in the recording room with a guitar in his lap, giving you a cold stare through the thick glass. The comment stung. You weren't his damn maid, and you weren't flirting with a married man. Steve gave you an apologetic look. You knew you had to play along. Jensen was paying them a lot of money. So if he wanted you to shine his shoes while he sang you had to do it.

"Right away Mr. Ackles," Steve said, giving you a look that screamed, “I'm sorry.” 

Jared was giving his friend a death glare that Jensen didn’t seem to notice, or at least didn’t care.

"I'm sorry Y/N, he's just been a little on edge lately. That's not normally Jensen," Jared apologizing for his friend as you stand to go get his coffee for him.

"It's fine," was all you can say. 

In truth though, you felt like he'd just ripped your heart out and stomped on it. Not to mention humiliated you in front of your boss and coworker.  You fought back tears as you poured his coffee and entered the recording room.

You handed him his coffee, not even looking at him. He snatched it out of your hand, not even looking at you or saying thank you. You thought you had a crush on this guy. Turns out he's an ass hole like every other celebrity and artist you'd ever meet. Just another cocky dick that thought his shit didn’t stink.

Watching him on Supernatural and Smallville had gotten you through some really hard times in your life. You would have never thought he’d have done anything like he just did to you. You always pictured him as such a nice, genuine guy. Man, were you ever wrong.

You made your way from the recording room to the front where you kept your purse under the counter and shot Steve a text that said you weren’t feeling good, and you had to go home. Which wasn’t totally a lie, because your heart was broken, and you couldn’t stop the wave of tears that were streaming down your face.

You didn’t know why that one man’s opinion had hurt so much. You didn’t know him, and he didn’t know you, but as you fell back through the doors of the apartment you felt like your heart was shattered into a thousand pieces.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag List:

@deanwanddamons​​ @imabitch4jensen​​ @rvgrsbrns​​ @bi-danvers0​​ @onethirstyunicorn​​ @i-love-superhero​​ @akshi8278​ @alanegaming​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​

You and Me Tag List:

@idksupernatural​ 

@fuzzycloudsz 

@supernatural-bellawinchester​ 

@magssteenkamp​

@vicmc624​

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles fanficiton #jensen ackles fic #jensen ackles series #jensen x reader #jensen x you #SPN fanfiction #SPN Fanfic #SPN #dark!fic #hurt!comfort #hurt!Jensen #smut fic #jawritter #you and me

[bellemorte180]

Today was a bad day.

This post is more for me than for those who read this but maybe it can help someone. Recently, I’ve been having a rough time at work. I’ve been doing the job of multiple people and I’m stressed. Then in four months it will be the one year anniversary of my mom’s death- plus the holidays, the world being on fire and just everything is become a bit much. 

Writing is a massive outlet for me and the Klaroline fandom has been really the glue to holding my mental health together. 

Yet, I feel myself cracking a bit. I spent the majority of the day in string of anxiety attacks. I went a complete manic episode (where I just HAD TO HAVE this external hard drive, right now, for my laptop and $150 and six stops later, I have it- which now my rational mind regrets) then my body started feeling....odd. Chest pains, left arm hurting. headaches, achy body....

This whole week my body's been off. Achy and sore. I thought more than once that I had COVID and that made my jump to the conclusion that I was dying. Calls to my doctor later tell me that I’m not, I’m in the midst of an anxiety attack; to which I’ve had several this week- when previously I only had two before: at my dad’s funeral and then when my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

Then I have multiple in the span of a week.

I’m not an anxious person, at least I didn’t think I was. My brain never shuts off, I’m continuously thinking about something (whether it be work, family, writing, or just something) and I can’t turn that off. I have trouble sleeping but I am typically in better control of my emotions; yet this week I’ve felt like I was dying. I felt like everything around me crashing down and I couldn’t breath. 

I don’t have COVID. My doctor says I show no symptoms and that what I am describing is just panic. 

My friend thinks I’m hitting a burn out. Maybe I am. 

All I do know is that writing has been a life line to me and I hope tomorrow I can just relax, breathe and do something I enjoy/love doing. 

I seriously hate 2020 and I just needed an outlet to express my feelings, and calm me down from this anxiety attack.

#panic attacks #needed to vent #I'm better but still off #I feel weird #but I'm okay #my friend talked me down. #for like an hour #what are best friends for.