#its because of our good friend miss o jenny

[miraculouslycool]

It has been 16 years since Gilmore girls ended and I still think the Rory Gilmore hate bandwagon is forced, ridiculous and misogynistic.

#don't get me wrong she has her wtf moments too #but the way jess and logan - who i really like too - can be seen as complex and misunderstood #while doing fucked up things #but rory is seen as ungrateful and spoiled because....she had a human reaction #to being told that what shes been working for her whole life #is actually futile in the coldest way possible? #for wanting a break from the expectations EVERYONE ELSE including her loving #well meaning mother put on her?? #i dont understand why rory is to be blamed for being a product of her environment #but jess and logan get a pass for that exact same reason #its because of our good friend miss o jenny #gilmore girls #rory gilmore

[adsosfraser]

The Stone’s Toll - Chapter Ten

Read on AO3

“We can’t stay here.” 

 “No, we can’t.” Jamie pulled his wife onto his bare chest. “And wee Hamish has sent a letter, requesting his cousin’s aide. Though he was vague on which, I’m sure he wasna comfortable writing Jamie Fraser on something the English could see.” 

 “So we go to Leoch with Fergus?” 

“I willna put ye in danger, the travel there will be treacherous now wi’ the English on our throats everywhere.” 

 “Well, I’m certainly not leaving you, James Fraser. Have you forgotten I’m wanted too? We go together. And, with us gone, Lallybroch will be safer, we’ll be safer for a while. But…” 

 “What is it Sassenach?” 

 “I know you and the sea aren’t close friends, but ports shouldn’t be as monitored as they were right after Culloden. The islands will be safer, Charles even fled to the Isle of Skye to go to France. In the future, some islands are even able to retain some of their culture, their tartan. We can always go there, it would be safer while we wait… for a pardon.” 

 “A pardon?” He was shocked. 

 “Yes. When I returned I placed three letters in the post at Inverness. Copies of historical letters I assume. They may give us the freedom we want.” 

 A sharp breath escaped his lips and he slumped back on the chair. “Christ, a pardon. You know how well that went the last time.” 

 “But this time there’s no more war, we’re done with that horror.” 

 “Aye, we’ll seek Hamish, then if we canna stay, we’ll bide on one of the wee islands.”

 “What’s this about ye up and leaving Jamie Fraser! And dinna think I’m not cross wi’ ye too Claire!”

 “Jenny,” Claire took her hand, “you know it isn’t safe for us to stay here. We got lucky the last time.” 

 “And I’ll no’ have my wife sleeping in a cave.”

 “Well, ye two eejits could at least wait ‘til yer goddaughter is christened! Ye dinna ha’ to leave wi’ yer tails tucked between yer legs so soon.” 

 “Goddaughter.” Her heart warmed and she squeezed Jenny’s arm.

 “I ken yer already her aunt, but ye’d make a fine goddaughter to the lass. I suppose that would make yer daft husband her godfather. Puir lass.” She feigned pity for the tiny girl in her arms. “Would the both o’ ye wait, jes’ one more day?” 

 Claire looked back at Jamie but already knew their answer. “Of course.” 

 The ceremony was brief, the priest wasn’t prepared to perform it so soon. Caitlin gurgled up at Claire in her arms. The holy water was sprinkled over her tiny forehead in the small kirk near Lallybroch. Other than the slight cry from the chill of water, Caitlin was a perfect baby. The Frasers and Murrays all joined back together to Lallybroch to celebrate. They enjoyed a small stew of rabbit and potato, the most filling one in weeks. Father Ross had the death certificate for Fergus ready to sign, but on seeing the boy alive and healthy, he walked towards the fire in the Great Room. 

 “Wait,” Claire shouted to his back. “Don’t burn it. Jenny, will you sign that?” 

 “He’s clearly no’ deid Claire, are ye off yer heid?” 

 “No, it’s just, it’s important that the document isn’t destroyed. I can’t explain how.” 

 “Verra weel.” She plucked it out of the Father’s hands and went off to the study. She mumbled, knowing long ago not to question her sister's strange nature. 

 Claire had ripped through the fabric of her dresses and the contents of her leather bag to pull out every piece of gold, silver, and jewellery that was left during the hours waiting for Father Ross. It was little less than three years’ salary in her time, but now it would support Lallybroch for years to come. She dumped it all out on the dining and the jewels, gold, and silver scattered and clattered against the wood surface. She had put away some for her and Jamie of course, enough to be comfortable on their journey, but even with the small dent into the funds on the table, it was still an astounding sum. Jamie spied her wedding ring on a chain within the pile and raised a brow to her, but she shrugged her shoulders in reply. 

 “A christening gift.” 

 Everyone at the table stared dumbfounded at the treasure disorganised on the table. A ‘Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ’ was supplied by her son. 

 “How Claire?” Ian piped up. 

 “I didn’t steal it if that’s what you're asking.”

 “Well, how on earth did ye find so much?” Jenny yelled, exasperated. 

 “It was my inheritance from my parents and uncle. And the man whose advances I turned down…gave some of it to me.” 

 “Jesus, Mary, and Bride, ye’ve been hiding this away all this time?” 

 “No, I’ve just recently acquired it myself. But now, it can be put to good use instead of rotting in some bank. Take it, Jenny, use it to save Lallybroch from the famine, clearances, and drought to come.”

 Jenny planted a sloppy kiss onto Claire’s cheek and handed Caitlin over to Ian. She grabbed her arms and began jumping excitedly. Claire even thought she heard a squeal from the small woman. Displays of affection from the woman were rare, and Claire felt so happy and touched that she included her in it. 

 “Claire ye have no idea how this will help us.” 

 “I have some idea.” 

 Their packing was done, and the horses were all lined up for the journey. Jenny embraced Claire, and she was reminded of the parting before Culloden all over again. 

 “Ye come back to us sister,” she raised her voice to a shout so Jamie could hear, “I dinna care much if this oaf does.” 

 “I love ye too Janet.” He pulled her from Claire into a giant hug. 

 “Och, ye ken I love ye too, a bràithair. Now, try to come back to us as quick as ye can. Lallybroch will be missing her Laird.”  

 A plant along the trail made Claire pause. It was a forget me not, and though it was only the beginning of March, it was blooming brilliantly against the grass of the glen. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that they were so close to the standing stones when she found it. She knew they needed to go back together, for closure. So she jumped off her horse and scooped her hands into the dirt. 

 “Jamie I want to go to Craigh na Dun before we stop into Inverness.” 

 Jamie pulled back on the reins of his horse and stalled in the middle of the path before Claire. He looked down at his wife and the flowers in her hands.

 “If you don’t want to that’s fine, I just wanted to plant these there, and we might never get another chance to do so.” 

 “Aye, we’ll go.”

 He dismounted his horse in one swift move. Carefully, Jamie helped Claire back up to her horse without crushing the delicate flowers in the process. Jamie passed the reins of his own horse to his son and climbed up behind his wife on her mare. 

 “Fergus, be a good lad and find a place to shelter in Inverness. Something not too in the open, or conspicuous either.” Jamie pulled out the bag of coins and tossed it to him. 

 “Oui, milord. I shall not fail you.” 

 Milord and papa, milady and maman, had become as interchangeable to Fergus as Jamie’s Sassenach, mo gràidh, mo nighean donn, and the countless other affectionate names he could come up with for his wife. 

 “Now off wi’ ye son, we’ll be shortly after.” 

 They held tight to each other, not able to bear even a second of lost connection. Fog clung to the air surrounding the tall monoliths and blocked the vision to the moor below. 

 “I wish I could punch it. But it won’t even let me do that.” 

 “How about this one to the side. Not too much danger of falling in fer yer wee hand.”

 She pulled slightly apart from him for the first time since they created the hi together. Her arm trembled as she reached out to lightly touch the stone closest to the centre one. Though it had become an unwitting victim of its brother’s actions, it would have to do. Lining up her arm, she delivered the first blow that jolted from the cold surface to the bones of her arm and shoulders 

 “Fuck you!” She screamed a gut-wrenching cry as she slammed her fist into the rock. “Fuck you! Fuck!”

 Her breath hitched and Jamie gathered her once again in his arms. He kissed her skinned knuckles. Giving her a few minutes to calm her racing heart and heaving lungs, Jamie cradled her tight to his chest, one arm under her knees and the other supporting her back. How many more tears would she cry, for something that was only the size of a blueberry? She knew she’d never lose the feeling of grief, but it would become more manageable most days. With her husband there to bear it with her, she knew it would be a certainty. 

 “I’m ready.” She patted his chest. “Are you?” 

 “Aye.” 

 “Do you want to punch it too?” 

 “No, that bastard stone’s taken too much from us. I won’t give it the satisfaction of flesh and blood from my hands as weel.” 

 She wanted to reach out and cradle the voice she had once heard to her chest, protect her against the violence of the stones. But it seemed it was her daughter instead who protected her. Digging the small hole into the ground by the outer stones, she smiled tearfully. Jamie’s strong hands were right beside hers, guiding the dirt away. Together they scooped the small plant into their hands, a mismatch of Jamie’s on top of Claire’s and then Claire’s on top of Jamie’s. They patted the dirt mound and encased the stems in the nutrients. With the task finished, Claire fell into Jamie’s lap and began to weep. She stroked his shirt with dirtied hands and left stains on the white linen. He rubbed the fabric on her back and Claire felt the moisture fall onto her hair and slowly down to her scalp. She offered him her sgian dubh and he etched into the centre stone with sharp angles, leaving the blade there as a gift.  Baby Fraser.  Claire’s hand trembled in his grip and she was almost consoled by the fact that she could feel his shaking too; he didn’t hide how it affected him as well. “I trust yer grandsire and grandmam are keeping ye out o’ trouble  a leannan . I love you. Tell Faith I love her too, and I ken she protects ye up there, but jes’ because she’s older doesna mean ye canna protect her as weel. Jes’ like I do fer yer auntie. Ye mind what yer family says, and we’ll meet again soon enough.” 

 Claire knelt down and gently cradled the small flower in her hand. “I love you, my baby girl. We love you so much.” 

 Jamie ripped off a strip from his sark and wrapped it around her bloodied knuckles with a kiss. They stayed to talk to the stone for a while. Jamie laughed with Claire after sharing an incident from his boyhood about a goat, some string, a bucket of shite, and his sister. Claire pulled out the photos from within her pockets and shared her child-self to their daughters, and the interesting marvels of the future. Jamie was proud he recognised the ‘airyplane’ from when Claire brought out the black and white pictures in the cave. He was bewildered of course at first, cursing the strange magic, but once he saw the brilliant smile of his Sassenach he knew the depiction couldn’t hold any evil. He especially liked seeing her as a bairn, with pigtails and a pink frilly dress and how the photos showed the change from cute baby to mature woman. She set one into the plastic wrap, a photo of her, her parents, and her uncle and buried it beneath the earth. 

 “Your family is with you always, my darling girl.” 

 With one last glance, they rode back to Inverness holding each other on the saddle. 

 Their short stay in Inverness was that: short. After the first night of full bellies and a warm fire, the innkeeper alerted the travellers to the presence of redcoats fifteen miles away. It gave them time to prepare themselves, instead of another hasty retreat to Leoch. 

 It was not nearly as strong of a fortress as it had once been. 

 Claire was put to use straight away, mending flesh and bone. Jamie was spirited away as well to advise his cousin in the Laird’s Tower. The only bright spot was the wonderful Mrs. Fitz. Fergus spent much of his time messing around the surgery and playing with the medicines, much to Claire’s annoyance. No matter how many times he insisted it would not happen again, his nimble little fingers were constantly filching items off of shelves and tables. So she sent him off to the kitchens.

 The ledgers had become impossible, and Leoch was close to ruin from partially funding the Jacobite cause. They felt the sharp absence of those who had fought bravely alongside them. None were left. Most of the men residing in the lands were either too old, too young, or too crippled to fight. There was talk of taking up a deal with the British, to leave Leoch and settle somewhere comfortable in America. Hamish was inclined to that option more and more each day. The Lairdship was not an easy thing for a twelve-year-old, let alone under such stress of a post-war climate. So, it was decided that the MacKenzies would sell Leoch to the British for land somewhere deep in Virginia. As much as it pained them to leave their culture and homeland in the hands of those bastards, they had no other choice. The lands produced nothing, the woodlands sparse, and their supplies pilfered by roaming soldiers. Claire felt guilty for the small amount of gold tucked into her dresses, but she told herself the amount she was left with couldn’t save them all. They stayed in constant communication with Jenny through letters and informed her of their impending move. Jenny wrote back to her cousins,  Alexander and Elizabeth Malcolm , just as often, if not more eager to know they were safe. 

 In the blistering heat of the summer, Claire, Jamie, and Fergus travelled in the safety of the band of MacKenzies. Virtually no redcoats bothered them on their way, patriot to king and country as the Laird most certainly was in their eyes. 

 At Ullapool, they said their last goodbyes as they split to different destinations. Jamie couldn’t possibly survive a month-long journey across the water. They purchased passage on the  Serendipity  and waited. 

 Jamie wretched off the side of the gangway as the ship made port. Stornoway, and from there they would hopefully find somewhere to settle down. A croft, north of Stornoway soon came to their attention. Most of their money went to purchase the land outright, they weren't too keen to rent one out as other crofters did, knowing the clearances would hit Scotland hard. So, Alexander Malcolm, his wife, and his son, began to build a home out of the small abandoned cottage. They hoped it would be temporary but would be fine if it wasn’t, for they had all they needed already: each other.

#jamie fraser #jamie x claire #craigh na dun #outlander fanfiction #fergus fraser #hamish mackenzie #castle leoch #stornoway #ullapool #adsofraser writing #canon divergence #jenny murray #ian murray #claire beauchamp #outlander fanfic

[yourdaddychan]

wow-

literally just wow- i genuinely have nothing to say about this please- i cannot explain how much this means to me- there's 1000 of us- *hugs all of you* [ especially the porn bots ] *turns into formal luna asf*

i remember when i started in may, just a tiny chatbot with only one mutual, only known to you guys as [ answer : admin ]. and now, almost a year later, i have 1k of my chainsaw eating demons who are metal as fuck 💪ive learned so much being on tumblr, as a part of both the skz writers community and the chatbot community. ive made a bunch of friends, lost a bunch of ones, and 1k of you stuck with me. i cannot begin to express my gratitude to all of you, and how much all of you and your interactions with me mean to me. all of the simping, the random stories, everything. i cherish all of it, and i love all of you. aight so letz get to the personal thanking asf

alsoer i kinda wanted to do something sexy so imma do what color they remind me of :D most of them can be found at this link : https://louisem.com/29880/color-thesaurus-infographic

@kvinly linn bb 🥺through all the drama we've been through and shit im so glad we ended up becoming friends again cause we're kinda sexy together 😉thank you so much for being my 1000th follower bb you mean so much to me and if anyone hurts you im about to *turns into jennie and kachows them* licherally lets nevah fight again

-> you remind me of the color punch , and not only because of the name- underneath that grr me edgy grr me bully you're just a softie simp and that reminds me of punch :D

@undeadbots steph 🥺lemme be your personal broken chopsticks pls :( KLDSKLD anywayz we've also gone through some sexy drama and thankfully you saw da light 😉and now look at us, with our own band, and our own producing line 🥺brohemian rhapsody for life bro 🥺 *big kithie for da best dad in da world :D*

-> you remind me of the color viridian , because it gives me confident vibes :D you carry yourself proudly and confidently as you should tbh go steph

@binniesthighs oh look its a cutie *pushes you to a mirror* right there :D RORORO YOUR BOAT :DD we havent talked too much, besides my simping for jisung- but you give me very sexy energy so imma propose rq *gets down on one knee* will you be the rororo to my boat 🥺thank you for being my moot :D

-> you remind me of the color espresso , because espresso looks like the color to be pretty chill and laid back, and you're all of those, and calming to be around

@toshis-flower BAYBEE BEBE BEEBEE :D thank you so much for being my moot and making me a wifey asf ‼️ you're literally so much like me whats not to love <3 JKSDJKD JKJK you're really sweet and really just a good person to rant to, i love you so so so much and i think im going to remarry you :D

-> you remind me of the color taffy , because you're sweet, cute, and bright :D *eats you* yummy

@lov3ric seyoung. i love you. so much. MY SOULMATEEEE :DD even though we tell the story over and over like a bunch of grandmas, ill still never forget how we became soulmates and then bonded over boba 🥺im licherally going to marry you one day like ez 💪also i wanna eat you can i eat you youre really cute *eats you*

-> you remind me of the color daffodil , because it reminds me of banana milk which reminds me of you tbh- buuuttt did you know that daffodils are one of the first flowers you see when spring starts? that definitely reminds me of you because through all of the cb drama, you've always been there with me, like literally always- i cannot express how much i love you *kithie*

@simpchimp LIDDLE CHEESE FUCKER THEMBO :DD drink water *spank* i love you so much you cutie 🥺you're also licherally the funniest person ever like stop bae i kinda need to be the funniest but noer its you 😔alsoer i love how random you are KDSKLD so nevah stop that because then *revz up arm* youre going to get luna-ified

-> you remind me of the color jam , because even though you seem kinda scary at first [ yes i was 100% scared of you ] you're really soft :D

@berrywoo the sun themself 💪you are easily the purest person ive met, and im so happy i somehow became moots with you :D you literally hit diff, yk? theres something about your personality and the way you act thats so comforting, and that means i eat you because youre too cute :D you cant just be a wholeass teacher for kids and expect not to get eaten kids are licherally demons whoever deals with them properly and treatz dem nicely gets a nom asf

-> you remind me of the color honey , because you're a sunshiney yellow, and you're sweet like honey :D i think you need to hear that its okay not to be okay bb, and you can come to my dms anytime you want to rant 😎

@yourchungha MS OG CHUNGHA MS IM KINDA SCARED OF THE SHIT YOU DO MS FURREH LOVER 101 MS ANNA BANANA :D yeah youre like really nice- thats all i have to say- like how tf do you deal with [ redacted ] like eggsplain- ALSO YOURE CARRYING OUR CONVERSATIONS BECAUSE IDK HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE DKSJKD I LOVE YOU FOR THAT AND WE SHOULD HAVE LIKE ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS MORE OFTEN

-> you remind me of the color scarlet , because youre a sexy bitch tf and scarlet gives me 'idc what you think im hot' kinda vibes which is like exactly you

@satosimp WINTER DADDY :DD i lub you asf *insert we dont talk anymore by charlie daddy* ugh the way your personality matches mine is kinda sexy or whatever im also kinda in love with you but lets ignore that part 🙄 💪 *big kithes* *eats your cats casually*

-> you remind me of the color lilac , because it just gives me tsundere vibes, you act like you dont care but really do care :D you liddle sawftie *noms your cheekie*

@nightshade-minho DUCKIE :DD *insert we dont talk anymore by charlie daddy pt 2* licherally bae where the fuck are you i miss you you bettah be doing well in school otherwise im going to smack you with a chappal asf DSJJKSD *eats your cat because hes such a cutie*

-> you remind me of the color marigold , because you're adorable and sunshiney :D

@onigirimeeya MICHIE MICHIE MICHIEIEEIEI MY DAD :DDD i like you mucho much if you didnt know *kithes you* you're like one awf da best listeners ever- which is such a weirdass compliment but its true- you're really good at listening, and just being a comforting presence in general, like when you go to the beach and youre just staring at the waves all edgy mode, and it calms you down a fuck ton

-> you remind me of the color mint , for obvious reasons- mint choco chip cookie michie :DD

@hhjs bae we dont talk a lot but im kinda lurking on all of your posts- JKDSJSKD bae remarry me please youre really fucking hot 😭and the way you have with words is like damn- teach me oppar asf

-> you remind me of the color wine , because you're refined, and carry yourself in a way that makes everyone want to be you. the color wine is rich and deep, which reminds me of the way you write :D

@nsfw-stay MY LICHERAL BABIE YOUVE BEEN AN ANON FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND WEVE TALKED ABOUT SO MUCH SHIT TOGETHER [ a lot about seungmin and jisung but shhh ] I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BB AND I WILL NOM YOU >:( BUT SOFTLY AND OUT OF LOVE *nomz yew* :D

-> you remind me of the color cerulean , because its a baby blue and what fits better than a baby blue yk? you're adorable and squishy and i want to nom you 24/7

@secretary-yeji *iz chan ig cause we dont talk admin to admin* oh erm gee is uncle chrith 😉DKLSKLD my liddle koala :D my liddle burgah :D my liddle aussie :D my besth frien :DDD evah since may i think we've been friends, and i think one of the highlights of that day was me marking you as spam twice and on accident too- LKSDKLSD WE DONT TALK ABOUT THAT anywayz thank yew for being uncle chrith's friend *kith*

-> you remind me of the color seafoam , because it's a very soft and light color yk, you're delicate asf which sounds like a bad thing now that im typing it BUT IT ISNT DSKLDSLK YOURE VERY CUTE YOU AND YOUR FLOOFY COWS :D

@ayolistenupp im kinda... in love with you? wtf? KDSDKSL MY DESI DADDY ASF I LOVE YOU SOER MUCH :D our music nights™️ mean so much to me, like theres just something so personal about listening to what the other person likes to hear even though half of your songs are sexy asf KLDSKLD

-> you remind me of the color ocean , because the ocean is loud but calming yk- like you're full of energy but you're also calming :D

@yanderexchungha OH ERM GEE YEW :O YOU PROBABLY WONT SEE THIS IN LIKE 10 MONTHS BESTIE MERRY CHRISTMAS IG KLDSLKD anyway i love you dad your lessons about vape >>> to quote your drunk ass exactly "vape isnt cool" JKSDJ anyway its gonna be sexy if we accidentally run into each other in the hallwayz asf

-> you remind me of grey cause youre a hag- JKJK KDJSD you remind me of the color caramel , because you're sweet, and licherally addictive caramel isnt good for my braces but i keep eating it 😰but youre addictive in a good way :D

@yanderelee literally only doing this because you were moping about not having a simp sunday and im such a good person 🥸you're cool 💪and unfortunately, you're funny too 😥and even though i bully you asf dont take it personally because i dont mean it asf

-> you remind me of the color dijon mustard because you just give those hacker vibes please dont hack me after i said this i like to keep my location private

@kpopswitchbot BESTIE 😏MY FIRST MUTUAL 😏 LICHERALLY DA BEST CUTEST FUNNIEST SMARTEST SEXIEST KEWLEST I CANT EVEN EXPRESS WITH WORDS FISHIE IN DA WORLD :D LICHERALLY STOP OUTDOING ME WITH YOUR GOODNIGHTS LIKE *spankz yew* YOURE LITERALLY TOO GOOD WITH WORDS ITS NOT FAIR- AND THE DAY YOU JUST TALKED TO ME IN SHAKESPEAREAN BECAUSE I FELT DOWN- AND EXPRESSED YOUR LOVE THAT WAY LIKE- PLEASE I ACTUALLY ADORE YOU AND I WILL LITERALLY EAT YOU ONE DAY

-> you remind me of the color coffee , not only because youre addicted to it but also because of the way you act, you're like the definition of an old soul- with the words you use, the drama kid you are asf, etc- you're a talented bitch *mwah* i love you so much you also remind me of those movies where they find an old ass book and they kinda hafta dust it off and it gives you treasure or something cause yeah that reminds me meeting you

AIGHT DAS IT ASF MWAH I LOVE YOU ALL :DDD

#if you wanna know more just drop an ask asf #would be cool if i had 1k for 1k but NOOOOO #i have more btw #*dabz* #THE WAY TUMBLR KEEPS GLITCHING BECAUSE THERES TOO MANY WORDS #NOT SEXY TUMBLR

[chemist-ana]

The Planning

Summary- Everything is coming together for the biggest day of Anas life, and apparently one of the biggest events in New York. So why the rush?

Book- The Nanny Affair

Word Count- 3008

All characters belong to Pixelberry except for my OCs

Are you serious Ana?! How am I supposed to plan the most important wedding in New York since Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick in 3 months!?” I can hear the panic in Justins, one of New York’s most sought after wedding planners, voice as he basically yells at me through the phone. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. 

“I know, and I’m sorry, but things have changed. Its why I chose you Justin, to pull off the impossible.” I knew that if I threw in a compliment it would do a little to help calm him down. I was the bride, wasn’t I supposed to be the dramatic one? I heard him take a deep breath. 

“Alright, let me make some calls, I will be in touch.” He hung up before I could answer him. I rolled my eyes and focused my attention to the endless stream of taxis, cars, and people outside hurrying home after a day at work. Things had changed. We needed to rush this wedding, because my father was going to walk me down that aisle. The Bentley pulled to a stop outside of our apartment building. Cliff, the doorman, opened the door with a smile. 

“Welcome home Ms. Schuyler.” 

“Thanks Cliff, have a good evening.” He tipped his hat at me as I walked into the lobby. My heals click against the marble floor as I walk to the private penthouse elevator. I hear the boys talking excitedly as soon as the elevator doors open into our foyer. I set my handbag down and remove my coat. I follow their voices into their bedroom and see them huddled around their 3D Printer. I decide to leave them to their project and follow the delicious smell of dinner into the kitchen. 

Ellen, our new nanny and house keeper, is standing over the stove. She looks up at me with a warm smile. 

“Good evening Ana.”

“Hey Ellen, whatever your cooking smells divine.” I grabbed a grape out of the fruit basket and opened the wine fridge, pulling out a bottle of Chateau Haut Brion Blanc. I poured myself a glass and immediately took a refreshing sip.  

“Thank you dear, it will be ready shortly.” She answers with a sincere smile. I pad across the oak floor into the master bedroom and stand at the floor to ceiling windows, looking out over central park. My mind wanders to my father, and my wedding day. Originally the plan was to get married next year, giving us time to get everything absolutely perfect, but with the news of my fathers diagnosis, things had changed. I wanted to fulfill the only childhood dream that I had about my wedding day, my father had to walk me down the aisle. After countless hours spent researching ALS time lines, I knew our window was closing, and closing fast. I took a sip of my wine and relished the taste. 

I am broken out of my thoughts by Sams cologne and his strong arms around my waist. He leans over and presses a kiss to my cheek. 

“Hello my beautiful fiancé.” I lean my head back onto his chest and give him a soft moan in response. “How was your day?” 

“Well things are progressing in the lab, but Justin was a little… well upset at our change of timeline for the wedding…” 

“Good thing we hired the best, I cannot wait to make you my wife.” Sams says seductively, as his hands travel down the sides of my waist and he grabs my hips, pulling them back to meet his. I turn around in his arms and thread my fingers behind his neck. I pull his face down to mine and we lose ourselves in an electrifying kiss. 

“To be continued Mr. Dalton.” I whisper against his lips. “Dinner is ready and I don’t want to be interrupted.” I press one last kiss to his lips and pull back with a smile. 

***

The sound of my phone buzzing on my nightstand at 6 AM wakes me up the next morning. I look at the screen: Justin. I groan as I sit up and swipe my finger across the screen. I put the phone to my ear and pinch the bridge of my nose.

“I didn’t know I was paying you to be my alarm clock too.” I said with a hint of sarcasm. 

“Well honey I didn’t get any sleep last night because SOMEONE needed to fast track the most important event in New York this year, and if I am going to pull this off, I need your opinion like yesterday.” I glance over beside me and notice that Sam is still asleep, that man can sleep through just about anything. 

“Give me a moment Justin.” I climb out of bed and make my way into Sams office, flipping on the Tiffany lamp on his desk and sitting down in his Wegner chair. “Alright, I’m here.”

“So I was able to keep your rehearsal dinner at Tavern on the Green. But we ran into a couple hiccups with the venue. After literally hours on the phone I was able to convince 620 Loft and Garden that your wedding was more important then hosting a fundraiser for lost puppies, so we are a go there too.” My eyes settled on a photo of Sam and I on his desk. It was from our vacation to the Maldives when he proposed. I had completely tuned Justin out, admiring the happiness on our faces. I was looking at him like he was my entire world, and he really was. “My dear do you have your dress yet?” I’m snapped back into the present at his question. “Ana- I am judging by your silence that its a big N-O. My god what am I going to do with you? I will call Kleinfelds and get you in today.” 

“Justin today really isn’t a good day-“

“Ana! If you want the designer dress to go with your designer wedding then the designer needs time. True masterpieces take time. I will make your appointment for tomorrow only because you asked so nicely.” I roll my eyes at his remark and lean back in the chair. “Also- you need to talk to your future hubby about cake tastings and guest lists. We absolutely need to get these invites out this week if you want anyone to show up to your wedding.”

“Sam wants to take care of all the transportation and hotels for our guests, but I will finalize our lists with him today. And talk to him about cake tastings. Can I go back to bed now?” 

“Yes yes get your beauty sleep, and call me when you have that list finalized.I will text you soon with your dress appointment time. Ciao Bella.” He hangs up the phone without another word. I shake my head with a sigh and walk back into our bedroom. I straddle Sams hips and lean down to press a sweet kiss to his full lips. 

“Good morning handsome.” I whisper letting my lips graze the shell of his ear. He blinks awake and smiles.

“Good morning beautiful, I will never get tired of waking up like this.” He grabs my hips and gives them a soft squeeze. 

“So Justin just called, we need to finalize our guest list for the wedding.” 

“What time is it? Does this man have any boundaries?” He drops his hands from my hips and laces his fingers behind his head exposing his strong chest. 

“Well its like you said, we hired the best, and we actually want people to show up, so we need to give them at least a little notice.” I lay down next to him facing him, god his profile is just perfection. “Have you talked to Robin yet?” 

He sighs and runs his hands down his face. “No, we have just kept it professional at the office, he hasn’t even congratulated me yet for our engagement or my promotion.”

“Sam, for better or worse he’s still family. I won’t push you to reconcile with him, but I think you should. Maybe he’s just waiting for an invitation to our wedding.”

He turns to face me, reaches his hand up to my cheek, and runs his thumb across my lower lip. “I will talk to him today.” 

My phone buzzes on the nightstand 

Kleinfelds 10 AM tomorrow- I texted your mother, Vivian, Jenny, and Monica. DON’T BE LATE!

“Well I have no doubt that Justin is the best, he got me into Kleinfelds tomorrow, looks like I am going dress shopping.”

***

The ding of the elevator tells me Sam is home. I glanced at the clock on my laptop, 5:15. He’s home early. I had to go over the final list with him, we had finally gotten our list down to 150 guests, hopefully he had talked to Robin. 

“Where is the beautiful future Mrs. Dalton?” A familiar voice rang out through the apartment. Robin walked into the living room seconds later with a smile on his face. “There you are.” He walked over to me on the couch. I had just enough time to place my laptop next to me on the couch before he grabbed my hand and pulled me up and into a big hug. I look over his shoulder as Sam walks into the room and I give him a confused look. 

“Robin can you please let her go.” Sam says with annoyance. Robin unwraps his arms and holds me at arms distance. 

“Sorry bro, just welcoming Ana here into the family, something I have wanted to do for months now.” He says tipping his head towards Sam who is standing behind him. “I really am excited to have a sister.” He looks me in the eyes and gives me a genuine smile. 

“Hi Robin, so it looks like you two talked?” I say looking at Sam. Robin drops his arms from my shoulders, walks over to Sam and claps him on the back.

“We worked everything out. Sam even asked me to be his best man.” I widen my eyes in surprise. “Anyone want a beer?” Robin disappears into the kitchen and Sam walks up to me. He presses his lips to mine in a quick kiss. 

“We will talk later, but now I need to go make sure he doesn’t clean out our bar.” I grab my laptop and follow Sam into the kitchen. 

“So Robin, should I add a plus one to your RSVP?” Robin pauses before putting a grape into his mouth. 

“Are you kidding? And miss out on all the fine ass ladies you are inviting to this party? Not a chance.” He takes a swig of his beer. “Plus, someone needs to live the playboy life if this guys decided to tap out.” He gestures at Sam with his beer bottle. 

“I am going to pretend you didn’t just tell me you want to hook up with all of my friends at my wedding and just say no on the plus one. Sam can you look this list over and confirm your side? I need to get these names to Justin.” I hand Sam my laptop and he focuses on the screen. 

“Hey Ana, by the way, I heard about your pops, I really am sorry.” Robin walks over and rests a hand on my shoulder and gives it a soft squeeze. I take a deep breath. 

“Thanks Robin.”I give him a sincere smile even though it felt like my heart was shattering.

“Looks good to me Ana, let’s send it out.” Sam hands me back my laptop. I sit down at the bar and breathe a big sigh of relief when the email goes out. 

***

Walking into Kleinfelds felt like I was walking into a fairytale. The most beautiful dresses everywhere I turned. I was already feeling overwhelmed.

“I am so sorry I’m late!” I said to the consultant. She had a friendly smile and her name tag read Francine. 

“Honey, this is your day, no need to apologize, let’s find you THE dress. The rest of the ladies are already here, let’s go find them and discuss what you are looking for.” She lead me to one of the show rooms. I see my mother and Vivian on one side of the room, and Monica and Jenny on the other. I hear a loud squeal as Monica turns around and sees me. 

“Ana!!!!” She runs over and squeezes me in a breathtaking hug. “Girl you told me your fiancé was rich, but I didn’t realize he was drop-everything-get-in-this-private-jet rich. I literally flew here on a private jet.” She whispers into my ear. She lets me go and holds me at arms length. I have to remember to thank Sam for getting her here.  

“I’m so happy you’re here Moni.” I bring her in for another hug. 

“Me too, honey, me too. Now let’s find your dress, I over heard Francine saying that she spoke to Sam and money isn’t an object. Jenny and I think we found you the perfect dress.” She grabs my hand and pulls me away from Francine. I look back at her with an apologetic look and she gives me a warm smile. 

“Go ahead, look, pull your favorites, and we will revisit in a few minutes.” She calls after me. 

Jenny greets me with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

“Ana, look at this one, it’s a Pnina Tornai. This is your dress.” She shows me a long sleeve lace and satin mermaid dress with a plunging neckline. “This is perfect for you.” 

Francine walks up from behind me and grabs the dress out of Jennys hands. 

“I will put this in the fitting room Ana. Let’s get everyone together and have a little chat yeah?” She gives me a wink and I internally thank her. This is overwhelming enough as it is. After I give my mother and Vivian a quick hug we all gather together on the white couch. I glance over at my mother and Vivian, ever since my parents had moved to New York a month ago, they had hit it off. My mother looked at me and gave me a smile, I could see the tears building in the corners of her eyes. 

“So Jenny tells me that Sam has a yummy single brother?” Monica whispers in my ear. I raise my eyebrow as I look over at her. 

“Moni he is a total playboy, I wouldn’t if I were you.” She shrugs her shoulders and we turn our attention back to Francine as she begins talking. 

“Alright Ana, today is a big day! We have some champagne here for you” she gestures at the coffee table in front of us. “My first question is, do you know what kind of dress you are looking for?” 

I swipe a glass of champagne and take a big sip. Honestly I had not found the time to even start looking at dresses. She took my silence as a no. She gave me an encouraging smile.

“Well come back with me and we will start with a few different styles and see if we can narrow it down.” I stood up from the couch and followed her into a large dressing room. The first dress she had me try on was a ball gown. I felt like a princess, but it just wasn’t the one. I didn’t even bother showing it to my ‘squad’ as Francine had so lovingly called them. The next dress was an a-line. 

I walked out onto the show room floor and my mothers tears began to fall. 

“Oh honey, you look so beautiful.” Vivian handed her a tissue as my mother fanned her face. 

“Its beautiful, but is it really the one?” Jenny cocked her eyebrow at me. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror, I knew it wasn’t the dress I wanted Sam to see me in walking down the aisle. I looked at Francine and shook my head and followed her back into the dressing room. 

“Can I try on the dress that Jenny and Monica picked out?” I asked Francine as I lightly touched the sheer fabric on the sleeve. 

“As if you need to ask, of course. It really is a beautiful dress, it’s going to hug those beautiful curves of yours.” She laces me up after I step into it the soft silk caressing my skin. I step out of the dressing room and walk up onto the platform. Everyone stops talking as soon as I enter the room. I turn around to face the mirror. 

The top had a plunging neckline that dropped almost to my belly button and had a tan material behind the lace at the top. The dress hugged my waist and thighs and it was elegant, but sexy. I felt like a million bucks.

“He would love this.” I say under my breath. 

“This is the one.” Jenny said. “It looks like it was made for your body.” 

“Sam won’t be able to take his eyes off of you.” Monica chimed.

“Ana, you look absolutely beautiful.” Vivian said softly. 

“Here.” Francine said and clipped a beautiful veil into my hair that matched the dress perfectly. She spread it across my shoulders. In that moment I could picture it all, walking down the aisle and Sams smile. 

“Mom?” I turned around to look at her, she was the only one who hadn’t said anything. She had pulled another tissue out of the box on the table and was blotting at her eyes. “You look like a movie star sweetie, so grown up. You are stunning.” 

“Do you think it’s the one?” I said tears starting to fall from my eyes.

“Yes.” They all said in unison. 

I looked at Francine. “This is it.” There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. 

Chapter 5: The Emotions

Tag list @secretaryunpaid @lifeaskim 

#tna #choicestna #choices fanfiction #choices #choices the stories you play #tnasam #fanfic #wedding

[stutterfly]

Love Bytes 07 | User Privileges | KNJ (M)

Last time on Love Bytes 06: Seokjin gives you an earful before you spend a peaceful evening with Namjoon. You try to convince yourself whatever is happening between you is nothing to think twice about, but you have to reconsider when morning comes. Luckily you’re able to focus your energy on the new matches on your dating app... Or so you think.

Rating: M (Explicit 18+)

Word Count: 12K

Series: Love Bytes (7/?)

Genre: F2L, fluff, humor, SLOW BURN, friendship feels, ANGST! pining, sexual tension, smut, Bestfriends!au, CollegeProjessor!Namjoon, IT/Nerd!Reader

CW: anxiety, sexual tension, angst, pining, sexual thoughts, language, sexting, grinding, panic attacks (mentioned), reader gets gaslighted, negged, and bullied like this is the 6th grade (verbal abuse by a side character/anatagonist), reader gets dubcon groped (not any of our perfect boys; them and Jennie swing into action), brief homophobic comment by an antagonist, fuckboy Jungkook showing his soft side (s/o to Swipe Right Jungkook; believe in him), alcohol use/mention, best friend Hobi, bestie Jennie, BFFLs to the rescue, protective/jealous Namjoon, soft Namjoon feels, Namjoon about to whoop some jerk’s ass, reader is a Dumb Bitch™ about her feelings and toxic relationship warning signs

Pairings: Namjoon x Reader, brot7 masterlist // previous chapter // next chapter

Do not repost.

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You haven’t been able to put down your phone all day. An onslaught of “Super Likes” has you playing the foreign role of an extrovert, acting as peppy as possible to present your “best self” to your potential suitors. By the time your battery percentage is down to single digits, you’re feeling just as drained. You fumble with the charging port near the head of the couch, cheek squishing against the armrest. It’s hard to find the energy to rise. Why is trying to get laid so much work? Jennie made it sound way easier. Keeping your eyes open becomes more of a struggle than it’s worth. No amount of socializing feels as rewarding as letting yourself drift off.

You don’t mean to sleep through several group texts and phone calls, but your phone’s reverberations fall near silent against the back cushion. You might sleep through the night if not for a loud series of loud, familiar knocks on your door.

‘Knock--knock-knock--knock--knock.’

You groan into the air, “Whaaaaaat?”

“Open the dooooor.” Even muffled behind the thick wood, you recognize Hoseok’s nasally whine.

Still half-asleep, you shuffle towards the sound. The deadbolt clicks against the light pressure of your fingertips and yields the shining face of your friend. His grin practically reflects the light of the hall and amplifies its shine. It's almost sickening.

"What, were you sleeping?” He frowns narrowing his eyes at you as he scrutinizes every last detail set in your features. “Were you crying? You’re not still upset about your terrible date, are you?”

You smack his hand away as he fusses with the rat’s nest that is your hair. “No, I’m fine. I’m just exhausted from socializing on Tinder all morning.” You yawn, reaching for your phone. “What time is it anyway?”

“You sound like Yoongi,” he laughs, drawing the curtain across the room to let in some natural light. “Don’t worry. You didn’t sleep through the night. It’s almost two.”

“Oh good, it’s only been a couple hours.” You wince as the room brightens, holding back an annoyed hiss. Soft rain patters against the leaves on the tree outside of your window. Maybe the weather is finally letting up and you can see some real sunshine again sometime soon.

“I just wanted to check in. I know you’re too polite for your own good sometimes.”

You miss the concern in his face as you scan the latest batch of matches that have messaged you since your power nap. There was a guy asking if you wanted to meet for lunch, but you missed the window. He seemed pretty nice so you want to apologize as fast as possible so you don’t seem like a total bitch.

When you don’t even acknowledge Hoseok’s words, his face hardens. “...But not all the time, apparently.”

You look up from the keyboard on your phone, halfway through constructing an apology. Sensing his annoyance at your manners, you turn off the screen and offer a guilty smile.

“I’m sorry, Hobi. Jennie and Tae sent me the photos this morning and--”

His countenance changes in an instant, dropping his pout and grinning like a maniac as he sprints across the room. “What? Really? Let me see!”

He hip checks you into the couch and you both fall to the cushions with a graceless flop. You know you could convince him to drop it if you really wanted to, but a part of you is really enjoying the positive reactions from your matches and the attention is doing wonders for your self-esteem. What’s one more person inflating your ego?

“Oh, just one sec. I want to apologize for ghosting this dude.”

“You ghosted someone?” Hoseok shakes his head in disbelief, throwing his arm around you. “I’m so proud! Did he deserve it? Was it the guy at the coffee shop?”

You snort, fingers tapping your keyboard thoughtfully. “No. There’s this guy I was talking to earlier. He asked me to lunch right after I fell asleep.”

He furrows his brow at you. “I’m not really sure that’s ghosting if you planned on responding.”

Your fingers stop tapping the keyboard and you look up at him. “Oh. Well. I definitely ghosted the coffee guy. Just unmatched and deleted his number.”

“Attagirl.” He grins, playfully nudging his knuckles into your jaw. “So what’s this guy’s name?”

“Mmm. Don’t want to tell you, in case it doesn’t go anywhere,” you mumble, backing out of the conversation.

Hoseok glances down at your screen and raises his eyebrows when he notes all of the conversations you have going simultaneously. “Wow! Someone’s popular.”

“I didn’t expect such a big change once I got the photos. I hate to admit it, but you guys were actually right for once.”

His eyes widen. “Hmm? Say that one more time? Hold on!” He pulls out his phone like he’s going to record the statement and then laughs. “I’m glad you finally see my wisdom. Now gimme.”

He flexes his fingers a few times to make grabby hands at your phone. You navigate to your profile and allow him to peruse at his leisure, nervously micro-analysing his blatant facial expressions. You’re mostly getting a shocked and excited vibe, laced with a hint of pride as he keep repeating “wow” at each new image. Just as he’s moving on to the bikini photo, your cleavage is obscured by a new message.

“Jihoon? Is that your lunch guy?”

“What? He responded? I’ve been cussed out for ignoring a dude for five minutes. They’re usually not so understanding in my experience.”

“Yikes, is that what it’s like for girls?” Hoseok shivers. “On behalf of all men, let me apologize to you.”

“You’re absolved of your guilt for waking me up,” you joke, prodding his side with your finger and giggling when he wiggles away from your touch. “What did he say?”

“He says he still wants to grab a bite with you, if you’re up for it. Ooh he called it a wake up snack with a winky face!” he teases, already bringing up the keyboard to respond for you. “What should we say back? Let’s see… I’m not hungry, but I’ve got a snack for you if you wanna come get it…. Winky-- Hey!”

You snatch the phone back from him, smacking him lightly in the chest. “I’ll figure out something a little less eager, thanks.”

He shrugs. “Suit yourself. I think you should go though.” He’s already removed the scrunchie from your hair and is brushing it with his fingers to retie it. “Nothing like a rebound to get your mind off of things.

“I’m not having sex with him,” you mumble, sending off your response to Jihoon.

“Oh, by the way, we’re meeting up at Seesaw later. You can use that as your out.”

“You gonna buy me drinks this week too?” you ask sweetly, puckering your lips at him.

He scoffs. “Pfft. At Yoongi’s bar? Yoongi’s buying. Now, go put on some clothes that don’t look like you wore them to bed with someone else.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A points system is something Hobi helped you come up with. You meet up for a snack at a bar and have one drink with him, telling him ahead of time you have dinner plans with friends so he gets the idea right away that your time is valuable. He starts with 100 and you can deduct based on gross mannerisms or behavior.

That way he starts in the positive and only falls to the negative if things go poorly. If he loses enough points, you can end the date by saying you have to get ready because you’re someone’s ride--which is technically true since Namjoon refuses to get his license and you've naturally taken to being his chauffeur.

Now that you're treating dating like a game, it seems like a piece of cake. You can just throw if you've been matched with a shitty teammate. This time you're expecting it. No way are you going to get trapped for 2 hours talking to some dude who doesn't give two fucks about who you are. You’ll probably be back home in no time, eating some of that ice cream still in your freezer and pretending to be interested in some other guy's messages. That's what dating is, right? It's fine. It's a good plan.

You can tell Hoseok and Jin that you made an attempt, are too tired to go out, get drunk alone in your apartment, have a good cry over some self indulgent romantic drama, and pass out with your vibrator cupped in one hand. It definitely sounds like the night of a well adjusted adult with healthy coping mechanisms for rejection, loneliness, and anxiety. It's in your nature to turtle when you feel so shitty about yourself, and your friends know it. You're just hoping they'll accept your excuse of fatigue as a simple fact rather than a disguise for your unhappiness.

There's just one little hiccup you've run into with this foolproof plan. The guy who agreed to meet you for a single drink isn't the one you'd been talking to all morning. He's funnier, twice as handsome, and at least three times more suave than his online persona. Deducting points from someone so charming is proving to be difficult, even after downing a second rum and coke in your haste to work off the genuine butterflies fluttering in your belly.

You can’t get your hopes up. You tell yourself this and yet your brain is ignoring that mantra in favor of bashing you over the head with feelings of excitement, especially when he drops his hand beside yours on the bar. He gently brushes his pinky against the back of yours as he laughs. Suddenly you don’t want this date to end. The smallest touch sets your nerves alight and you’re craving more.

Do you dare to pull out your phone to check the time? Is it rude? You don’t want him thinking you’re not having a good time, but you promised Hoseok that you’d keep it short. It’s a risk you have to take. Pulling the mobile device from your pocket, you try to casually bump the power button to check the time. You bite your lip, realizing you’ve already gone ten minutes past the time you’d decided to end it.

“You sure you can’t stay for another? I’m buying.” The man beside you smiles and playfully bumps his shoulder against yours as his fingers finally curl around yours on the bar. Your gaze is fixed on the motion of his thumb caressing yours.

The breath catches in your throat and you stutter out a flustered laugh. Shy eyes peek up from beneath fallen strands of hair, trying to decide if this is actually happening or if someone is playing a cruel joke on you. His lips part into an amused grin as he tucks the strand behind your ear. His fingers are warm as they lightly trail along the side of your face and instinctively you close your eyes and lean into his touch.

“Mmm,” you hum, losing yourself in the simple sensation of fingertips brushing against your cheek. The comfort the motion brings reminds you of someone else, someone you’ve been feeling incredibly confused about as of late. Panic settles in your belly as you almost say his name. “Na--” you catch yourself and clear your throat.

Trying not to draw attention to your mind’s slip-up, your eyes pop open and settle on the bar as you slink away, nearly falling from the stool as you collect your purse.“N-Nah. I, um, have plans. But, um...”

He curiously cocks his head at you. “Are you okay to drive, lightweight? I can call you a Lyft.”

A nervous laugh passes your lips as you twirl your fingers around the metal ring that houses your keys. “I’ll be okay. Thank you! I’m just! Really clumsy. Sorry. Th-this was nice though. Can we--Can we do this again?”

Shit. Way to sound desperate.

Much to your surprise, Jihoon offers a dimpled smile with a raise of his phone. “Hit me up again, beautiful. Any time. I'll tell them to go easy on the rum next time."

You hesitate on moving in to kiss his cheek and instead decide to nod and spin on your heels, nearly missing the waitress balancing a platter full of food beside you. Adrenaline rushes through you on the walk back to your car, a soft rain dampening your clothes and speckling the screen of your phone as you check your messages.

Hobi: how’s it going?

Hobi: you’ve gone over time Dirty Girl

Hobi: 😂

Hobi: tell me ur alive?

As you settle into the driver’s seat, you fingers are already working to craft a response that might reveal everything that you’re feeling, but nothing you try to say seems to do any justice to it.

You: I survived. SS? :)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Hoseok leans back in his chair, taking in everything you’ve told him with a big grin as he picks at the nachos on the table. “So he didn’t try to kiss you?”

You wrack your brain, which is starting to fill with the haze of alcohol. "No. He held my hand for like half a sec though.”

He snorts, crunching down on a chip. “Risqué. Who would have thought you could be so naughty?”

You roll your eyes, debating on whether or not you should admit why you were able to end the things when you did. You scan the plate of nachos and your jaw tightens, shifting from left to right as you try to reason that you hadn't been thinking of someone else while on your date.

"I mean he might have tried to kiss me if I didn't end things so abruptly," you contemplate aloud with a dramatic sigh. “He was so nice. What if he never wants to see me again? What if I blew it?”

Hoseok is scrolling through your messages with Jihoon, scrunching his nose. “Hmm. Or maybe,” he pauses to flip the screen towards you, “you’re just being silly. What, did you get drunk off one beer again?"

Jihoon: Make it home safe, lightweight?

Your lips curl into a smile reading the message, quickly texting a response.

You: I'm fine lol i told you I wasn't drunk. Sorry if I worried you at all!

Jihoon: oh good guess I can spend the rest of my night thinking about you for other reasons now 😏

Breathing gets a little harder as your heart swells to your brain and turns it to mush.

"Damn this guy's smooth," Hoseok murmurs as you set the phone down on the table, feeling completely dumbstruck.

"What do I say?" you ask, suddenly unable to form a coherent thought. Panic bubbles deep in your belly. There’s no doubt in your mind whatever you say will make this guy never speak to you again and you actually maybe kind of enjoyed his company.

Hoseok drums his fingertips on the table, a devilish grin spreading across his features as he begins to walk them towards your phone. “I can type out something for you.”

He bursts out laughing as you quickly snatch the device, sending off a simple blushing smiley.

“Bo-ring,” he sings into the rim of his glass, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Just as he’s putting his drink down, you’re bringing yours to your lips. “So does this mean you’re not sleeping with Namjoon anymore?”

A cough sputters from your mouth. Your drink comes dribbling out from between your lips like a boozy waterfall and ice cubes plop back into the nearly empty glass. “Namjoon told you?!”

‘Wha?” He raises his eyebrows, mouth hanging open. “For real?!”

Oh no. Oh. Nononononono.

“Not! Like that!”

He saw Namjoon coming out of your apartment this morning, but he failed to mention any recent developments. What’s he at, two weeks now? He can’t have confessed, but it’s clear that something has happened. Did he make a move? Did you?

A smug grin splits his face in two, as he plants an elbow on the table and rests his chin on his palm. For some reason the only thing playing in your brain as he stares at you like this is a quote from Spongebob Squarepants: ‘You like Krabby Patties, don’t you Squidward?’

“Stop looking at me like that!”

He continues to stare at you with his accusatory grin and you feel yourself cracking under the pressure.

“Hoseok!”

Silently waiting, he does a slow blink and lets out a lofty sigh full of longing.

“I--! We--! Slept. Literally slept. Not. Dirty,” you panic, trying to fix the mess you’ve made. Here you are telling Hoseok after making Namjoon promise to forget, to not say anything himself. You’re a filthy hypocrite. You only maybe planned on telling Jennie. Maybe. Because chances are she’d be looking at you the same way Hoseok is right now and you’re not sure you can handle the mortifying experience twice.

You drop your forehead to the table hard enough to rattle the plates and cups on the table. Hoseok cringes and reaches out to place a comforting hand on your back but then thinks better of it and awkwardly pats your head instead.

Your voice is muffled as you wrap your arms around your face. “We didn’t have sex. We were just sleeping in the same bed. Please don’t make it into something it’s not.”

He polishes off his drink and looks down at you. Something it’s not? It’s definitely something that should be. You idiots are so close to being everything you both want to be for each other, and yet for some reason you refuse to accept it as the truth. If you’re sleeping in the same bed, regardless of whether you're feeling each other up or if it really is just innocent cuddling, you’re already in too deep to call yourself ‘just friends.’

You narrow your eyes at him when he rolls his. It seems like admission is still a topic to be avoided.

“Fine,” he huffs, feigning indifference. “I was just hoping for some drama.”

Namjoon better get his shit together soon. You might actually see this smooth-talking person again. If he’s as charming as he seems, he’ll have you falling for him in no time. Hoseok contemplates whether or not the guy is just fishing for casual sex with an easy target, but he doesn’t know enough about Jihoon to say for sure. But you? As big as you talk, you’re soft. Squishy, inside and out. Either way Namjoon will be crushed; there’s no way around that. But the last thing Hoseok wants is to see is not just one, but two of his friends heartbroken.

“Don’t say anything. Please,” you beg, reaching for the hand resting on the back of your scalp and fixing your gaze on the table. The sound of desperation seems to confirm there’s more at play than friends snuggling up in the same bed. He wordlessly curls his fingers around yours, giving them a squeeze, which causes you to look up.

“I won’t say a word. Who do you think I am: Jimin?”

It feels like he’s opening the curtains in your apartment to let the sunshine in all over again when he smiles and you can’t help but let the silent giggles break your nerves down.

Familiar hands press down on your shoulders, giving them a gentle rub. “Damn. Drunk already, Geeksquad?”

You can’t help but straighten your spine and slink back into the motion, despite the fresh briar of worry prickling your insides. Are things weird? You feel like things are weird. You try to make sense of the confusion blossoming with your nerves, but fuck, it feels so good when he does that. “No…mmm.”

You melt into the man at your back and are met with a familiar dimpled smile. The anxiety in your stomach disperses as quickly as it came on. Hoseok watches in silence with pursed lips that threaten to curl into a smile. You guys are morons. The way you’re looking at each other is almost sickening; it’s like you’re the only two people in the room. Something has definitely evolved in your relationship, but it’s not enough. Not yet. He’s never wanted to smush two people’s heads together so badly.

Hoseok clears his throat and stands, pinching your arm as he passes by you. “I’m gonna get another drink.”

You smooth your palm over the tender flesh, wrenching yourself away from the hypnotic pull of the man behind you as you down your backwashed drink. He lets his hand linger on your shoulder as he slides into the chair beside you. Suddenly all you can think about is how good those hands felt holding you steady as he rutted his hips against your ass. You swallow, casting your gaze at the table while trying to push the memory from your brain. The harder you try, the more you remember. Moaning and grinding your ass back into him. The growl in his throat. The frantic panting in your ear.

He leans in, a familiar concern evident in his hushed tone. “Everything okay?”

No.

“Yeah.”

You wilt under his skeptical eyes, shifting your attention to the glass you’re now sliding back and forth between your hands.

“You sure?” he asks, letting his thumb trail down your arm

You try to remember to breathe, not wanting to draw attention to the flustered heat in your chest. It’s easy to attribute the inappropriate thoughts to your conversation with Hobi. He brought it up and he doesn’t even know. Not really. And now it’s all you can think about.

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, brow furrowing.

Yes.

When you don’t answer, he rests his elbow on the table and uses his palm to support his head. “Office hours are closed but Namjoon’s therapy hours are open.”

I want you to come home with me again so we can dry hump like we’re teenagers. You wish you had a shock collar for your thoughts. Stop. This is Namjoon.

You shake your head and force a guilty smile as you meet his gaze. Regret courses through your stomach, causing it to do somersaults. You can tell he spent way longer styling his hair than he would have you believe, but you’d be lying if you said he didn’t do a great job. It’s surprising he would let it get so long in such humid weather, but the ashy brown color compliments his dark eyes well and you hate to admit he looks rather attractive with it falling over his forehead like this. It just looks so…

Pullable.

You want to twist your fingers in it and draw him in. Your tongue pokes the inside of your cheek and you scold yourself, squashing the thoughts before they can take over. Think about something else.

Easier thought than done. Your brain has moved onto another target, focusing on the muscular forearm supporting his head. Has he really been working out? In his current position, the shadowy contours sculpted into his flesh seem more prominent than usual. It’s like you’re seeing them for the first time. The loose tanktop hanging around his torso probably has something to do with it. Your eyes linger far too long on a brown nipple poking out from behind the thin fabric.

He raises his eyebrows, watching your eyes wander everywhere but his face. You’ve been silent too long, but every thought in your mind threatens to spill out. You clear your throat, forcing your eyes to rest on his face. Anything is better than the hesitation heavily seated on your tongue.

“I had a date today.” Of course the first thing that comes out is just a complicated addition to the stockpile of conflict in your gut.

He does his best to remain stoic, despite the tendrils of hurt creeping up his chest. It's easier to mask the pain as surprise. "Oh? For real?"

"He seemed okay." You nod. "I didn't even spill anything on myself this time."

"Wow," he chuckles, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Look at you, all grown up."

“Yeah. I put my bra on by myself and everything,” you joke, oblivious to Hoseok’s approach.

His hands reach around your sides, planting two drinks on the table. One looks suspiciously like something you would drink and the other is most definitely beer.

“Wow, what did I miss?” Hoseok asks, hugging you from behind. Any excuse to tease you is a good one, especially knowing there’s something going on between you and Namjoon. His fingers walk up your arms and tussle your hair.

Namjoon watches your expression morph into embarrassment and graciously brings the beer to his lips. You’re so cute when you’re flustered. Warm butterflies attempt to extinguish the inky tendrils of despair using his heart as a vice grip. Again he had his chance to confess this morning, and again he didn’t. And now you’re here running through the details of your date with someone else. It would be selfish to tell you now, wouldn’t it? It’s just something he’ll have to deal with.

Hoseok watches his friend’s eyes drop to the table as you prattle on about your date. While you’ve known Namjoon for a little longer than a year, Hoseok’s been friends with him for much longer. Maybe that’s why you can’t see it: the hopeful light being sucked from Namjoon’s eyes even as he hangs on your every word. Because he’s so in love with you, he’ll listen to anything you have to say, even if it’s about your attraction to someone else.

Hobi pinches your sides, shifting the focus of the conversation to his grabby little crab fingers and how much you hate them. He mocks you, dodging your playful smacks to his ribs. If the opportunity arises to spare Namjoon from another second of heartbreak, he’ll take it. He knows Namjoon never will, no matter how much it hurts.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The work week passes quickly. Things almost feel normal again. It probably helps that you made a point not to get sloppy drunk, you didn’t kiss Jimin, and you didn’t invite Namjoon back to your place for another dry-humping session disguised as platonic cuddling. But there’s this nagging feeling in the back of your head, constantly reminding you that you liked it. Try as you might to deny it, nothing sounds more appealing than the safety and warmth of his arms.

Instead you’re rolling against the cold sheets of your bed, trying to will yourself to get up. Again you’ve been dreaming about him. Again you tell yourself it’s just sexual frustration latching onto a familiar face. And again you stare at the ceiling, entirely unconvinced that there isn’t something more to it. You wish you invited him over again this weekend. You missed how good it felt to have him at your back, sliding his fingers along your arms until you fell asleep.

You talk to him every day and yet you’re still itching for more, looking for any excuse to talk to him, hoping he’ll break something that you’ll have to come fix since he hasn’t all week. It’s strange. So roll onto your side, face smushed into the pillow as you send him a text.

You: i heard u say u were gonna buy me coffee today. That’s so nice bae 😍

You wait a few minutes before the dots appear on screen.

Joonie: You are literally the worst. My alarm was just about to go off. 

You: 🙂

You: u gonna tho

Joonie: Buy your own damn coffee

You: WOW RUDE 😭i just wanted a little succ

You: of the

You: caffiENE

Joonie: Why are you like this?

You: because ur my favorite person

Joonie: ….

He sends a meme from Spongebob where a fish is extending its neck with a judgemental stare.

Joonie: You don’t have to butter me up to get free coffee. Just text me your order

You: ashkfls;adsfkshfk ok ok gimme a sex

You: SEC

Joonie: 🙄

Talk about Freudian slip. You pause, considering what kind of coffee mood you’re in today. Bitter espresso or sugary sweet?

You: Vanilla iced coffee with one sugar pump please

Joonie: aight stop by my office. I’ve been having trouble connecting to the printer but no one has come to check it out

You: did u set up a ticket?

Joonie: Of course. I guess no one is as competent as you 

You: kiss ass

Joonie: 😘

You roll your eyes, close out the conversation, and purse your lips before setting the phone down. Your latest dream resurfaces in your brain, straddling Namjoon’s torso as he leans you back over his desk and peppers your chest with kisses. Again you tell yourself it’s not about Namjoon, but the thirst associated with the drought of your sex life. Running your fingers down your torso, you start trying to work off some of the residual tension from your dreams.

Conflicted doesn’t even begin to describe your feelings. Confused doesn’t cover it either. You’d already met up with Jihoon again for a serious competition of indoor minigolf followed by a casual fast food dinner. Even then you found yourself thinking of one lanky professor, his dimpled smile replacing Jihoon’s every time he laughed. It’s why you didn’t take him up on the offer to return to his place. That and the fear of potentially being murdered.

You don’t want to have sex with someone when you don’t feel safe, but you consider ways to combat that that feeling for the next one. Maybe bringing him to your place is safer. After all, Yoongi and Hoseok are just down the hall. They’d be sure to check in on you if they knew you had company. People have sex with strangers all the time. It’s not that complicated. Why are you making it into such a big deal?

You can’t help but feel a little guilty. Things have been progressing with him pretty fast, but you have plenty of other offers to meet up with guys that you just haven’t jumped on. It’s kind of overwhelming now. Maybe you should call this dating thing off until your figure out what the hell is going on with your brain.

Or maybe you should just focus on masturbating instead of the confusing guys lighting up the switchboard of your brain. As you reach for your phone and start typing in the familiar web address of your favorite porn site, a photo message from Jihoon appears. You wonder what kind of meme he’s stolen from twitter this time. Carefully, you pause your search in favor of opening his message. It’s definitely not the meme you were looking for.

What you do see is a whole lot of skin along with a carefully placed kissy emoji over his crotch and a “good morning” text accompanying the image. You swallow hard, allowing yourself to be a creep for half a second. You spread your fingers across the screen to zoom in, taking in the sight of the rippled shadows lining his stomach.

You: 😵 

You: im dead sorry we cant see each other anymore

Jihoon: 😂 sorry was that too much?????

You want to say no, but your belly does somersaults at the prospect of sending your own crafted picture as a response. It takes some finagling but you finally manage a shot with your arm wrapped around your chest at the perfect angle. No rolls showing, just a set of perfectly pouty lips, slanted jaw, and a great shot of cleavage. You know it’s taken you far too long to respond and you’re only slightly panicked as you scramble to send the photo over.

You see texts fly in from Namjoon and Jihoon and you swipe to close out the conversation with Namjoon. You quickly attach your photo and hit send, hoping Jihoon will feel rewarded for his patience. But your stomach sinks like a stone has been dropped into it. Your image doesn’t appear in the string of messages with him.

Jihoon: Left you speechless, huh?

You: JUST A BIT I NEED TO GO

You don’t give him a chance to respond or sass you for potentially getting off to that pic. You know how your statement reads, but you can’t be bothered to care with the other thought on your mind. Quickly navigating to your conversation with Namjoon, you wince, seeing the previous message he sent with the image you intended for another recipient.

Joonie: Whipped cream?

And there’s the risqué image.

If you ignore it, will he pretend he never got it? Or should you apologize right now and purge the view of the image by sending a billion texts? You decide on the latter, trying to perform damage control. He laughs it off and sends off a joke about just wanting a yes or no along with a few sickly emojis. You still feel terrible. How many times can you fuck up with him in one month? You’re surprised he still agrees to be your friend.

Hanging your head, you forgo touching yourself in favor of a cold shower.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

By the time your get to his office he’s just setting two cups on his desk and shrugging off his long trenchcoat. His back is to you as you attempt to quietly slink in, but he turns to hang the damp piece of clothing on the rack to your left. You freeze like a deer in headlights, but his eyes soften.

“Mornin’ Geeksquad.”

“Good morning,” you sheepishly mumble, shrugging off your own damp hoodie.

The shirt you’ve chosen today is a flowy button-up blouse, which is a step up from the t-shirts you normally wear. Paired with the form-fitting slacks and makeup you took painstaking attempts to apply this morning, you feel confident that you’re at least somewhat stylish, even if you’re not on Namjoon’s level.

“You…” He tries to remember what words are as his eyes roam over your form. Noticing the top two buttons of your blouse are undone, he clears his throat and tries to push the photo from this morning from his mind, but it keeps coming back. “You look really nice today.”

You smile, folding your arms over your chest as he noticeably stiffens, fumbling with his words.

“I mean, you look nice every day. But, ah…. This-This outfit looks good on you. Really good.”

He rubs the back of his neck and you relish in the appreciation he offers, even if he’s a mess about it. Your cheeks are on fire and you giggle, finding your heart jumping at the way he stammers his way through the conversation.

Why are you acting so shy? You love it when he loses composure. You swallow, allowing yourself to embrace the heat in your belly. Isn't this exactly why you started dressing up more at work?

Pushing the demon on your shoulder back into the floating expanse of your stomach, you press your lips together in a thin line, trying to hide the grin threatening to show off the teeth you've recently started whitening.

“And you’re waiting… For the uh…. The computer. Printer. Thing. Of course. Hold up. Let me log in.”

He crosses the room and sits in his chair, eager to focus on something other than your gorgeous face and distracting body since it's clear you're feeling yourself today. You plop down in the cushioned chair on the other side of his desk and rest your neck on the back of the chair to stare at the ceiling. He focuses on the screen, slowly typing his password and trying his best not to look past his monitor at you. He begins twirling a pencil between his fingers to keep himself from fidgeting.

While he had tried to make you feel better about the accidental photo, it was just another thing piled on to your interactions lately that have been making it harder and harder to keep his feelings to himself. Was it really an accident? Maybe you’re just testing the waters. After everything that’s happened, he’s not sure what to think. Everything feels too coincidental to be anything other than pure attraction flying between the two of you. But if that were true, you’d have asked him to spend the night again.

He was hoping for it, hoping for another chance to make his move. This time he’d be sure to lock the door and switch your phone volume to silent. This time he’d buy you a dozen misfit roses with a billion thorns. This time he had it planned out: flowers, dinner, movie, and confess with a kiss.

After hearing about your first date with this Jihoon guy, he decided he was going to suck up his insecurities and finally go for it. It was bad enough when he thought you’d end up with Jimin, but the thought of losing you to a stranger is far worse than he could have imagined. But the weekend passed without invitation and his courage waned as soon as it was clear he would have to initiate.

Thinking about it and actually doing it are two different things. What if he messed things up? Time already appeared to be running out when Hoseok had given him a deadline to confess by, but with your new dating developments, time seemed to be slipping through his fingers even faster than before. His hesitation helps nothing.

His stomach lurches as he considers the ramifications of the image you sent this morning. If you didn’t mean to send it to him, then it must have been meant for Jihoon. Are you really already exchanging nudes with this other guy? Has he seen all of you? Has he already lain with you? Filled the space in your bed? In you? Maybe Jihoon is the only one he knows about. What if you’re talking to even more people and that photo was for someone you haven’t even mentioned yet?

The pencil in his hand splinters into pieces with a loud crack and your head snaps up to look in the direction the sound came from.

“What was that?”

“Uh… Just me being the God of Destruction.” He rises motions for you to take his place in the chair as he pockets the fragments of the broken pencil.

You shake your head, grabbing your drink as you circle the desk and get comfortable in his chair. “You’re hopeless.”

Navigating the network doesn’t take very long. It just looks like a missing password to connect to the printer’s address. Huh. You don’t remember updating anything. Maybe your coworkers reset it. Regardless, it’s an easy fix. You take a sip through your straw and slam the cup down on the desk.

Suddenly your dream is on vivid display in your head and you freeze as you stare at the smooth, dark surface of the polished woodgrain. The sound of his balls slapping your ass echoes in your ears. You can see the scenario, clear as day. He grips your hips and fucks himself into your tight cunt, tits bouncing in his face as he sucks a hardened nipple into his mouth, praising you for your tightness, how you squeeze him, how you take him so well like the dirty slut you ar--

His hands come down on your shoulders. “Hey. You okay?”

Blood rushes in your ears and you shake the daydream off. You really need to stop watching naughty teacher porn but it’s always on the first page. You tell yourself it has nothing to do with Namjoon and everything to do with laziness. The problem with that is you’re usually very particular about the videos that you watch. Can you fully attribute it to laziness when this is the type of thing you found yourself skipping over just a few months ago? Don’t dwell on it, you tell yourself, continuing typing where you left off.

“Sorry, just… spaced out,” you mumble, leaning back in the chair as you finish up. “There. Should be all set.”

He allows his gaze to drop down past the two open buttons and straight to your breasts, perfectly nestled against the silky black material of your bra. His eyelids flutter and he licks his lips, hoping you don’t notice what a creep he’s being right now. How much spank bank material can he collect in one day?

“Do you want to test it?” you ask, quickly rummaging through the millions of icons on his desktop for any word document.

His breath hitches as you hover over one labeled ‘Draft_Trivia_L,’ double clicking it without a second thought. His hand catches your wrist and he spins you to face him as the document opens.

“You can’t just open things. That’s private!” he flares, heat building in his face. His gut fills with immediate regret.

You blink a few times and look down at your lap, feeling rather foolish. You’ve never seen him snap like that; it must really important. Regardless of your friendship, you know better as a professional. Your gut tumbles in endless circles. Just knowing you’ve upset him on top of everything else you’ve fucked up with your friendship has your mind heavy with guilt.

“I’m really sorry. I should have asked first,” you murmur, feeling like you’re about to cry. You’re not a child. You can handle being scolded when you’ve done wrong, even though it sucks. But this is different. He’s never gotten even remotely angry at you before. And you’ve never wanted crawl into to the server room and volunteer the remainder of your week sorting cables, but there’s a first time for everything.

The hands at your wrists fall to his sides and his expression softens. Before he can offer the apology on the tip of his tongue, you rise and head straight for the door.

“Test it out and let helpdesk know if it’s working.”

Just as you grab the handle and pull open the door, his hand pushes the heavy panel back in place with a click. You turn around, your back resting against the door, but he keeps his arm steady, hovering over you in a way that makes your heart race, despite the turmoil churning in your tummy.

“Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap,” he says in a gentle tone. “It’s just… that particular document is… very personal. It’s--”

“You don’t have to tell me,” you say in a quiet voice. “I fucked up. I’m supposed to let you drive after I fix stuff. I’m not supposed to touch anything other than what’s broken.”

“You know I don’t have a license,” he jokes, earning a soft laugh from you. He sighs. “Remember how I told you about that one student? Well it turns out they really resonated with our poetry studies. They told me it reminds them of something they like to do for fun.” He hesitates, rubbing the back of his neck.

“They like to freestyle rap. Do tons of underground competitions, that kind of thing. So I’ve been working with them on bridging the gap between literature, poetry, and rap. And that document you opened… I’m trying my hand at it to lead by example. I want to share it with you, but it’s... not done and it’s a mess I’m still working through. But I promise I will let you see it when it’s done.”

“I’m sure it’s amazing. You’re a genius,” you admit with a shrug of your shoulders. “You have a way with words unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Don’t feel like you have to show me anything, Namjoon. You’re not obligated to.”

He scoffs, relaxing his posture to pinch the bridge of his nose as the compliment starts to sink in. Did you just acknowledge his sexy brain? He can’t help but grin like an idiot as he shakes his head. “I have to show you. It’s actually… I kind of wrote it about… I mean, for you.”

Your eyes widen, curiosity bubbling in your chest. “M-Me?”

What the hell could he possibly have to say about you that could turn into a literary piece to lead by example?

“Yes. You.” He takes a sip of the beverage in his hand before thrusting it in your direction. “You know what? I don’t actually hate that.”

“I know. You have a sweet tooth,” you giggle, swiping your finger across the whipped cream covering the tip of his nose.

You take your finger into your mouth and lick it clean. He watches you with hungry, longing eyes, replacing your finger with something else in his mind. He quickly covers the look with a sigh, gathers your coat from the rack nearby and throws it over your head, shielding himself from your teasing actions. You scramble to regain your field of vision and grin at him as he sits down at his desk again.

You turn to finally leave again, this time in much better spirits. “I’ll talk to you later, Joonie.”

“Geeksquad,” he calls, causing you to pause. “We’re good, right?”

You rest your face on the doorframe as you peer back at him with a shy, slightly smooshed grin. “Of course. As long as you don’t hate me for the million ways I mess up.”

He chuckles, warm dimpled smile gracing his features. “Never.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Thursday night. Finally. You sit on your couch legs propped up over Jennie’s lap, finding some time to catch up with your bestie. She passes the bowl of popcorn over to you, engrossed in the comedy-drama you’ve been binging for the last couple hours. When you shake your head and push the bowl back in her direction, she looks over at you.

“What’s wrong.” It’s a demand, not a question.

“Why would you think anything’s wrong?” you ask defensively, already feeling like you’re about to cry.

“Because I know you, you dumb bitch,” she responds with the love of someone who has definitely seen you at your worst. “Also your leg has been bouncing for the last ten minutes and if you had to pee you would just get up.”

Immediately you halt the motion you hadn’t realized you’d been making. “Jihoon wants to meet up again this week.”

“Wow. Does that make date three? Bow-chicka-wow-wow,” she jokes, causing your feet to rise as she bumps her hips up and down.

You swipe at the air and roll your eyes. “Please, like he wants to.”

She scoffs, stuffing her mouth full of popcorn. “Didn’t you say he tried to get you back to his place after the last one? Dude def wants to bang it out.”

You twiddle your fingers nervously. “Do you think I should?”

“What, fuck him?” she asks, blinking at you as though she’s carefully analyzing your body language through the fluttering of her eyelids.

You slowly nod, puffing your cheeks out and letting air slowly escape the little ‘o’ you’ve made with your mouth. “I already told him I would get drinks with him and I’m nervous about taking things further after.”

“Y/N, honey, why are you asking me? I’m not gonna do it for you. Do you want to fuck him?”

“I don’t know…” You rub your forehead nervously, looking back at the television. “But I think it might take my mind off of some things.”

“Like...?” she prods, realizing there’s something else you’re on the verge of needing to get out, but you need a teensy push to get there.

You purse your lips and stare up at the ceiling, trying to figure out a way to make it sound less crazy than the bottled up way it’s consuming your thoughts.

“When I’m with him... I can’t stop thinking about Namjoon,” you say quietly, feeling lightheaded just from having said it out loud. You said the words. You admitted it’s a thing. Now what? Jennie will know what to do.

“Ew,” she says out of instinct, knowing anytime she’s broached the subject of you getting together with Namjoon you’ve made gagging sounds. But when she sees the horror on your face, she pauses. “Oh, are we not at ew anymore? Are you finally cool with me saying he’s fine as hell? You feeling a little change, babe?”

“I don’t know what I feel. But it’s not ew. Not even close. I keep having these…” you pause and look at the unlocked door, wondering if there are any ears listening on the other side. Your voice drops to a whisper and you lean in. “I keep having these dreams where he’s… you know?”

“Oh, okay,” she says with a nod, not quite understanding what you’re getting at, but trying to be a good friend by agreeing anyway. She plants her elbow on the back of the couch and rests her cheek on her palm. “But like… how do you mean?”

Your eyes look everywhere but at her face. “You know…”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows furrow and it’s not until you make a crude circle with your hand and poke a finger through it a few times that her eyes light up with understanding. Her voice takes on a surprised tone. “Oh!” She pushes your legs off her lap, pauses the show, and scooches closer. “Okay. Wow. This is really happening. Finally. Details. Spill it.”

With a groan, you recount every last thing you can remember about the time you’ve spent with Namjoon in the last few weeks, everything from toilet hair to the most recent photo mishap. When you’ve finished, Jennie sighs loudly.

“I take off for like a week and this is what happens. I love you, but you are a serious fucking mess.” You’ve just been fanning the flames of the torch he’s been carrying for you. No wonder it’s all coming to a head like this. She’s surprised Namjoon hasn’t caved and finally confessed already. Isn’t he ready to blow at this point? She stifles a giggle at the double entendre.

“I know.” You stare at the ceiling, hands folded over your lap. “So what do I do?”

“Okay. Let me get this straight. You’ve slept in the same bed, cuddled, flashed him, almost made out with him, humped him, sent him a nude, you’re having sex dreams about him aaaaand you’re thinking about him while you’re on dates with other people… And you’re asking me what to do? You know what to do. Just bang it out already,” she says, clapping her hands together on the last few syllables to emphasize her point.

“Obviously there’s something there. So why don’t you just test the chemistry? You guys might be surprisingly compatible.”

You shake you head and run your fingers through your hair. “I can’t risk his friendship. I’ve fucked up so much already. Like what if we do it and he’s like… cool let’s not ever again. And then he tells me our friendship is over.”

“He won’t,” she groans, tossing one of the throw pillows at you. “Stop being dumb.”

“But…” Your mind races as you consider every last thing that could go wrong, hugging the pillow to your chest. “Jennie, I’m too scared to lose him. I can’t.”

Her brow knits in concentration. Your fears are understandable, but she knows you can be happy with him if you just open up to the possibility, especially since you’ve become such good friends in such a relatively short amount of time. But she also knows pushing you too hard too fast will make you clam up. You may not be willing to address what you feel, but at least there’s admission of some kind of feeling. That’s progress.

“So where do we go from here, Y/N? What are you doing?”

You wish you had an answer. “I… I’m calling Firewall on this. Right now. Namjoon keeps me in line with everyone else. You keep me in line with him.”

Jennie swallows, her heart breaking for you both as she nods. “Okay. If that’s what you want,” she agrees softly.

“It is,” you say, voice already full of uncertainty.

You have a date tomorrow night with Jihoon and you’ve decided you are going to stop thinking about Namjoon for the entirety of it. For the sake of your friendship and your sanity. You have to keep things simple and divided. So why does it feel like that’s way too easy of an answer?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Jihoon is way better at dancing than you are, which doesn’t come as a surprise, honestly. What you do find shocking is the blatant boner you feel poking against your ass as he guides you across his hips and the filthy things he whispers into the slope of your neck. Clearly he uses dancing as an excuse to cop a feel, but the butterflies in your stomach and the heat in your cheeks tell you you’re okay with that. You shyly reach up to cradle your fingers around the back of his head, breath staggered as you slowly lean back to press your lips to his. His jaw is stiff, but his lips are big and soft and it’s easy enough to substitute the person you’re craving without a second thought. Fireworks explode in your brain, blocking off all possible hangups about the action.

As he brings his hands up to your chest, giving your tits a rough squeeze, you come crashing back down. Fuck. You had one job tonight. Firewall, remember? Your eyes shoot open and you’re left with a suffocating swarm of bodies around you and hands that feel constricting. It’s too much. You need air. You need air and space around you to figure this out.

You grab his hands and move them back to an innocent place on your hips. “I’m gonna get another drink,” you say, desperate to escape this place you suddenly feel trapped in.

He allows you to slip through his sweaty fingers and disappear into the crowd.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Namjoon says, unable to take his eyes off the way you’re moving with the man at your back. Is this his fate: destined to watch you grind your body on someone else?

Jennie, Jungkook, and Tae exchange worried looks. Hoseok just scoffs as he peers through the glass railing across the sea of writhing bodies.

“I know. What kind of dancing is that? It’s like she can’t remember anything I taught her. Crescent moon shapes. CRESCENT.” He grunts in frustration and drags his hand down his chin. “I’m gonna have an aneurysm.”

Taehyung rolls his eyes, leaning back in his chair and placing his arms out around the back of Jennie and Jungkook’s chairs. “Of course that’s what you would see.”

She grumbles as Tae manspreads, knocking her knee with his. She settles for the way his fingers trail feather light touches at her back.

“Namjoon, you didn’t have to come,” she says sympathetically. “I just wanted to keep an eye on her just in case… I’m sorry. I know you guys think I’m crazy. But like… I’ve been with crazy. And if that experience has taught me anything, it’s to trust my gut.” She pats her stomach a few times and takes a small sip of her drink. “And my gut says don’t trust a hoe you don’t know, especially with your bestie.”

“That’s exactly why I had to come,” he sighs.

Touche, she thinks.

Suddenly you’re moving in a slow, sweet way that Jennie recognizes as your telltale shy kiss. As much as she likes the feeling of Tae’s fingers dancing with the ends of her hair, she stands and takes Namjoon���s hands, pulling him from his seat. She can hear Tae’s grumbly protests as she moves away, but it doesn’t matter. She’d really like to spare Namjoon the heartbreak of watching the person he loves kiss someone else.

“Joonie. Get up. Switch places with me. Come on.”

Her act of heroism comes too late. He falls back into his chair with his jaw hanging open, unable to stomach the sight. So he forces his eyes to focus on the ambient lights dangling from the ceiling. It's stupid. You're not even his, so why did that feel like getting punched in the gut? He closes his eyes and swallows the growing lump in his throat. Get it together.

Jungkook grimaces at Hobi, mouthing the words ‘what do we do?’ Hoseok looks from Jungkook to Namjoon, and then down to the floor where you’re prying Jihoon’s hands away from your chest and shying away. Squinting to get a better view of your form, he realizes you’re not just slinking away, you’re running away.

Hoseok rises, dragging his dejected friend to his feet. "Hey, let's get you something stronger than a ginger ale. Up! Up! Time to get our bodies moving. Things will be okay!"

Hoseok jerks his head in the direction he saw you running off to, making eye contact with Jennie. "Y/N is obviously okay! So let's not have wasted this time sulking when we could be getting endorphins going."

Jennie cocks her head to the side as she stands and peers over the rail, trying to discern whatever information Hoseok wanted to relay. Then she sees it: the distant form sneaking into the bathroom.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Namjoon groans as he leans his elbows on the bar. “You know what, I’m starting to think this wasn’t such a good idea. She’s obviously safe and happy. Can you please drop me off at home?”

Hoseok is looking past Namjoon, squinting into the crowd as though looking for something in particular. “You know this is your last weekend to confess before I tell her for you, right?”

“Hey. Don’t complicate her life. She’s got someone now. I appreciate the push, but it’s done. There’s nothing else to--”

“Hey isn’t that the guy?” Hoseok interrupts, hastily thrusting a pointed finger just in front of his friend’s nose.

Namjoon’s gaze follows Hoseok’s fingertip to Jihoon on the other side of the bar, putting his hands around some other girl’s waist and burying his face into her neck as they grind on one another.

“What the fuck?” Namjoon breathes.

His feet are moving without provocation and before he knows it, he’s angrily wrenching the couple apart. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Dude what the fuck? Do I know you?” Jihoon blinks, giving him a shove.

Namjoon’s shoulder dips back, but his stance is firm. He drags his lip through his teeth, a manic grin threatening to spread through if he doesn’t keep his jaw tight. “Try that shit again. I dare you. I will lay you out.”

The girl he was dancing with grimaces and quickly backs away, sensing the danger in this situation. Jungkook is waiting. He catches her wrist and spins her gracefully into his arms.

“Careful, gorgeous. Don’t want you mixed up in whatever that is, hmm?” he says, brushing the hair from her face with featherlight touches that contrast the solid mass of his body pressed against her side. “Don’t you want to dance with me instead?”

She looks like she’s about to slap him for a fraction of a second, but melts into a puddle as soon as she meets those big brown eyes. She weakly allows him to lure her away from the squabbling men.

“Maybe…”

“Hah. Well then. Maybe I’ll let you,” he teases, poking his tongue into the side of his cheek and disappearing into the crowd with her hot on his heels.

Jihoon’s jaw grows taut with annoyance as he watches his target slip away. He scoffs. “What the fuck is your problem with me? I don’t know you. Get lost.” He clicks his tongue and mutters, “fucking punk.”

“You’re here with Y/N and you’re out here feeling up other girls. That’s my problem with you.”

“Pfft. That’s what this is about? What are you, her boyfriend? Or do you just have white knight syndrome? Look, I don’t care what you guys are. Everybody has a side piece. Why are you being so judgemental?”

Namjoon’s concentrated brow briefly transforms into confusion, causing his response to die on the tip of his tongue. Jihoon catches the panic before he can turn his face to stone.

“Oh, that’s not it is it? I see how it is now. You’re stuck in the friend zone.” Jihoon lets out a smug laugh. “Are you stalking her? You must have seen our kiss. Tell me. How badly do you wish you were me?”

Namjoon feels like his teeth are going to break if he keeps grinding them together like this, but it’s all he can do to keep himself from unloading on this guy.

“Heh. Judging from your silence, pretty fucking badly. How long have you waited? Months? Years? Be honest. It drives you crazy knowing that I’m going to have her tonight, doesn’t it?”

“You don’t deserve her,” he spits back, unable to hold the jealous venom from his tone. “I’m not even worried. She’ll figure you out.”

Jihoon shakes his head, taking a few steps closer to him. “You’re wrong though. I know her type. She’s desperate for somebody to love her. Anybody will do. It doesn’t matter who.”

His words are like a sucker punch to the gut. What if he’s right? Regardless, he powers through his insecurities, knowing a guy as shitty as Jihoon is trying to go for the low blows to throw him off his game. “Man, do you ever get tired of spewing shit?”

“Dude, why do you even want her?” Jihoon shakes his head with a laugh. “Yeah, she's kind of cute but there are plenty of hotter chicks out there.” He clicks his tongue. “I thought I saw an easy opportunity to get laid but I didn't think someone as desperate as her would take this long to get in the sack. It’s kind of more trouble than it's worth for what's bound to be a mediocre lay. I can just tell.”

Namjoon clenches his jaw tighter, knowing that he’s just egging him on at this point.

“But I’ll fuck her anyway. Because I can.”

Namjoon lunges toward him but Taehyung and Hoseok are already grabbing his arms and steadying him like vines entangling a tree. Jihoon silently laughs like this is the most amusing game in the world.

“He’s not worth it. Don’t do something you’ll regret,” Tae says, glaring in Jihoon’s direction, who rolls his eyes in response.

“Time to cool off,” Hoseok whispers, working on backing him up. “Come on. She’s smart. Believe in her.”

Namjoon glares at the enemy he’s made today, wishing he got at least one punch in. “You best keep your mouth shut, or I’ll make sure it stays shut.”

“That’s fine. I’ll make sure Y/N’s stays wide open though, don’t worry.”

Namjoon seethes with rage as he pushes his friends forward, trying to return to the man pushing his buttons. “You really wanna throw hands, or you wanna keep making backhanded comments like a bitch? Let’s fucking go.”

“Joon, come on,” Tae and Hobi take turns trying to diffuse the anger in his eyes

Jihoon rolls his eyes again. “Listen to your boyfriends, bro.”

“Yeah, keep rolling your eyes. I see you looking for your fucking brain,” Namjoon quips with a snort. With a frustrated sigh he finally allows Tae and Hobi to goad him back to a distance where he’s not in danger of putting his fist in someone’s face.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You come back from the bathroom, panic attack only a hazy memory thanks to one of your best friends showing up to talk you through it. Of course Jennie followed you here to make sure you’d be okay. Honestly, you couldn’t be more grateful right now. She gave you the pep talk you needed.

When you finally spot Jihoon, he’s standing alone at the bar, casually leaning against it but looking pissed as fuck. Before you can ask if everything is okay, he’s pulling you into a deep kiss, forcing his wet, slimy tongue down your throat. He’s sure to make a show of it knowing that Namjoon is watching from somewhere nearby.

You wedge your hands between your bodies and break free of the kiss, feeling like that was super out of character for him with how you left things. You were hoping he’d be more thoughtful and considerate of your earlier reaction, but it only adds more proof onto the obvious statement that he is not Namjoon. You try to give him a pass because you know being horny definitely makes you stupid and needy.

“What’s gotten into you?” You giggle nervously, trying to ignore the anxiety nagging at the back of your mind. The butterflies have become a swarm of angry bees circling your belly.

He leans in to whisper against your ear, “I just want you so badly right now. I’m sorry. You wanna get out of here?”

You shift uncomfortably, unsure if you're ready for that, or if you even want that with him. A sense of obligation floods your brain, even though you know you don’t owe him a thing. How fucked up is it that you feel guilty for not putting out on the third date? You don’t actually know this guy that well, so how can you bring yourself to fuck him? Stop being a prude. It’s just sex.

Fighting the sinking feeling in your gut, you grab his hand and shyly smile at him, trying to reason with yourself that at least if you go back to your place, Hobi and Yoongi will check up on you. He takes the action as wordless approval, giving you another wet, sloppy kiss that makes the stone in your stomach feel even heavier.

He discards your fingers and moves to tugging on your wrists in a way that makes them ache. The ice pick of dread starts chipping away at the corners of your mind. He hasn’t given you a reason so far to think he’ll freak if you back out now, but the way he starts leading you towards the exit ties a knot in your throat. Soon you’re practically being dragged across the room. As heavy as the stone in your stomach is, it does nothing to slow him down.

“Jihoon. Hey, slow down! Wait a sec!”

It’s too late. Your shoulder hits the doorframe and you wince as hot pain radiates from the point of impact. Oh, that’s definitely going to bruise.

“Dude!” You wrench yourself away from his grip, nursing the growing welt on your shoulder.

He raises his eyebrows and turns back to face you, concern burdening his features. A light rain begins to blanket the two of you. “Oh, you should be more careful, Y/N. Are you okay?”

Despite the fact that he practically slammed you into the door on the way out of the building, you start to feel guilty for causing him to worry as he begins fussing over you. His fingers ghost over the hand you have clamped down over the ache.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to,” you mumble, attempting to shake off the anxiety in your gut. “But I need you to slow down. You don’t even know where I live.”

“So show me,” he prods, trailing his fingers to your chin. “I’m just so excited to be with you.”

You can hear Hobi’s voice in your head, backing the unsettling feeling traveling throughout your body. Stop making excuses. Ghost him!

You pull your head back, trying to gather the willpower to be brave and back out. “Okay… But-- I-I…” You allow a nervous chuckle to pass your lips. “Look, I-I don’t think tonight is gonna work. I’m sorry. I’m just feeling kind of sick.”

The smile on his face falls. Before he can respond, Jennie’s voice cuts through the sound of rain pattering nearby cars. “Hey!”

He looks over at the sound, furrowing his brow when he sees Namjoon walking out behind your friend.

Showing up to watch, Friend Zone?

Jihoon loudly sighs. “You know what, I’m feeling kind of sick too. Sick of you saying one thing and really wanting another.”

You blink, jaw dropping open. “Excuse me?”

“You’re a fucking tease. Always giving those bedroom eyes, telling me how much you want me, how bad you want to fuck me,” he declares, raising his volume as he watches Namjoon stop dead in his tracks.

Your face grows hot, despite the mist gathered on your cheeks. “H-Hold on. I-I never---”

“But you got this shy act going so I played along. For a bit. You want to play games again. Trying to tell me you want to wait, but I know you don’t. You were the one putting my hands all over your body earlier, practically begging me to fuck you out in the open the way you were pressing that ass into me.”

You can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth right now. Is this really happening right now? It’s a nightmare. You’ll wake up any second now. Everything he’s saying is a fucking lie. So why do you feel so ashamed, so guilty?

“You know what, Jihoon?” you pipe up, the distress in your voice apparent as the shrill words escape. “You’re being a real douche right now.”

“Yeah, well you’re being a real prude for someone who is maybe a six at best,” he snorts. “And god you’re fucking boring. You should be thanking me for even considering sleeping with you.”

The words shock your system and you stand for a few seconds just processing all of the hurtful things he just said. Suddenly the heat in your cheeks radiates throughout your chest. You feel like a fucking moron. Rage. Regret. Shame. Self-loathing. Everything hits you like a truck at once, culminating into a bubbling pressure in your throat. You want to scream, but nothing comes out except for the boiling tears streaking down your cheeks. Your hand flies up, landing across his face with a satisfying smack.

Realizing what you’ve done, your eyes go wide and then clamp shut in recoil as he raises his hand to retaliate. But the blow never lands. When you open your eyes Namjoon has his hand clamped around Jihoon’s wrist, glaring daggers at the man.

“You do not fucking touch her,” he growls. “You better get the fuck out of here before I beat your ass for even thinking about it.”

Your brain has already shut down by the time Jennie grabs your waist to pull you back into a bear hug from behind. Jihoon ticks his jaw and clenches his fists, tearing himself from Namjoon’s grip. When Tae, Hobi, and Jungkook appear by his side, it seems like he reconsiders the punch he was about to throw and backs away.

“You can have her. She’s not worth it.”

Your friends stand in front of you, an unmoving daisy chain of rage as the tears fall from your face along with the apologies on your lips. Namjoon is the last to turn around, but he’s the only person you can focus on as your body convulses with the emotional distress coursing through it. You’re soon enveloped in a group hug, pressed with a deadly tightness against Namjoon’s chest. It doesn’t make you feel any less broken, but it does make you feel grateful to have such a supportive and caring family. What would you have done if they weren’t here tonight? You shudder to think about it.

Namjoon’s fingers press against the back of your head as you spew snotted, muffled sorry’s into his shirt. He’s still holding you long after everyone else has let go, offering comforting words, making sure you know you have nothing to apologize for. In this moment, the world falls away, the pain falls away, and the only thing that matters is the overflowing love you can feel emanating from the man before you.

#moonchildnet #magicshopnet #namjoon fanfic #namjoon fic #bts fic #bts smut #namjoon smut #namjoon x reader #namjoon x you #namjoon fluff #bts fanfic

[voidgremlin]

An Oath to Hope (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3: The paternoster gang are back in town !

In town, there is always crime mucking about, is it because of the high density of its people or the rampant capitalism that encourage people in their worst behavior ? Vastra wasn’t sure but she wasn’t complaining, the busy street and the constant tragedy kept her pockets full of coins and her arms full with work.

As she walked inside the Paternoster agency, she observed the office with the team namely Jenny, Oswin and Strax running around with papers, calling on the phone to find out witness and testimonies. So many files closed and many more under work. This year is got to be a good one, this detective agency was her pride and joy and it was thriving.

If she told herself a few years back that she would recover from the burns on her face and she would met a wonderful, witty and loving wife, open an office about her dream job. Her past self would probably slap her, if not more. She had a lot anger issues and frustration at the time. Her past self would definitely stab her future self if she said anything positive about the future that was for sure.

She smiled, that was the past and it felt good to know that she was able to move away from it.

She smiled until she reached her office. Her neatly organized, carefully curated office with mahogany desk, white orchids that Jenny offered her and pictures of the original paternoster team when opening the agency was messed up. Messed up by the presence of a young man, with a purple hoodie sprawled on her desk and some filthy, awful cookie crumb.  

It won’t be accepted.

“Strax ! Who is in my office ?!” She screamed, startling the poor man who looked at her with tired and annoyed eyes. As if she cared.

The stomp of Strax was heard while he walked toward her and the curious eyes of her colleagues were trying to catch a sight of the intruder inside her office, she looked at the young man fumbling in his bag for what sounded like a lot of papers. He had unkept hair and for her taste an overgrown beard, she is pretty sure that she saw him in the last week while walking down to the office. Several times even, inside a car, staring at a couple and eating popcorn like a sad sack. She only thought that he was a harmless weirdo but now she would label him as weirdly dangerous.

“What is it ma’am ?” Strax arrived and bluntly asked.

“There is a man in my office” answered Vastra calmly motioning to the office.

“Do you want me to remove the threat ?”

“Or you could ask me to leave.” The man chimed in before getting up, a heavy file in hand. “Hello madam, sir, I’m Ajay, I would like to hire you to find a missing person.”

He looked smug, sure of himself as if breaking and entering plus, most importantly investing her office wasn’t reason for being thrown to the police and she hated him immediately.

“Blimey ! Are you hearing that Strax ? He wants to hire us !” she said ironically. “Oh wonderful !”

Strax, of course, didn’t get the subtility “Well sir ! You should have called us we would have given you an appointment. Now please leave the boss’ office without further notice, we will take care of y-“

“Strax please !” Vastra cut him exasperated.

It made Ajay smile. “Please let him continue . I’m loving the energy !” She hated him more.

“That being said” he says his tone being suddenly more serious “There are some reasons as for why I broke into your office and why I didn’t call for an appointment.” He showed off his files motioning her to take it.

Vastra squinted and snatched it from his hands, Jenny walked to be by her side after mouthing a small “hi” to the man before reading the file with her.

“The person who I am searching for should not be found… not officially.”

“What does that means ? Isn’t the point of searching missing person is to find them.” Jenny said with her sweet voice.

“It means that there’s official people with very official actions shouldn’t find them but I need to find her.”

“Which official people ?” Vastra said curtly

“It is a secret.”

“What kind of official actions.” Strax followed.

“If you don’t put your nose everywhere, only legal and calm actions.”

“You are not much of a help.” Jenny said looking at him, trying to figure out if it was a joke or a full on black ops situation. They didn’t have the kind of money to get out of any legal actions against corporation or hell a government but to her dismay, the young man seemed pretty honest with the paranoia linked to the case. He was tired and shaky, a little scared and if Vastra observation of a man watching the office a few nights ago matched him, It would means that he made a stakeout to be sure that they were worth of trust. She drew the conclusion that it didn’t sounded any good and dreaded to hear what was next.

“I did most of the research for years, so really I am a lot of help.” He sighed “I searched for them for years but it turns out that the “very official” people are on my tails and I do not want to lead them to her… Directly.”

On my tails he thought, they were everywhere he was sure of it. Tapped into his phone, mics into his flat. People asking for him in the neighborhood. He knows… He is being followed and it won’t be long before they will make him disappear, before he could tell them anything. The truth he uncovered.

“That is why you sneaked into our office ?  Making us search what you lead them to a false lead.” The burned woman said snapping out of his mind.

“It is the idea. God only knows if it will work.” He smiled trying to be charming and confident.

“It is a no.” Vastra announced.

“W-What ?”

“No. N. O. It is a negation used to …”

“I know what no means ! Why !”

“Person who shouldn’t be found ? You being followed ? Unknown enemies ? I am not taking my team and friend into this mess.”

“I can pay you !”

“I doubt it. You should talk to the police. You are way to helpless to do anything about it.”

“I am not helpless !” he screamed back making loud steps toward Vastra, too short to be anything threatening to her. “I am not helpless. I am into this mess for far far longer than you will ever be. Right now I need help, help to find them before it is too late. Can I appeal to your sense of goodness and kindness ?”

Silence fell unto the group while Vastra though of her response, judging him. He seemed desperate and she does not do despair-motivated case, too much feeling, too much biases.

“Did you choose us for our contacts inside the police ?” Jenny inquired making Vastra smiles, always so clever.

“I- I mean… yes ?”

“You seems someone able and resourceful. Dare I say, if we give you the means and a way to make past you disappear, can you investigate for your friend on your own ?”

“I- I can do that yes. But ?” Ajay seemed a little lost about the proposal.

“We cannot put ourselves in danger without knowing what is it about fully and you seems to not able to share those information. For good reasons I am sure.” Jenny added. “So let’s help each other, we protect you, you protect us and we both help this… Nadzieja Kowalska.” She said staring to file he gave to them. “Do you agree my dear ?” She asked her wife.

Vastra closed her eyes before nodding. “I do not trust you, young man, but I guess this is the best way to deal with whatever this is for now. You investigate your own and only case and as long as you don’t tamper with my office ever again, you are welcome to the team Paternoster sir.”

Strax pouted while watching the whole discussion go before giving back the file to Ajay. “You might need it back then ! Also might need to change your name for the payroll and the administrative papers. I deal with the administrative !”

Ajay stared to the file, slowly caressing an high school’s picture of Nadzieja. He never felt so close to find her, so close to be free of all of it. Finally.

“It won’t be the first time” he murmurs.

#doctor who #doctor who fanfic #dw #an oath to hope #paternoster gang #the master #my stuff

[nam-nam-joon]

finish line

Pairing: jeno x reader ; jungwoo x reader

Genre: angst, fluff, conflict

Wordcount: 9.2k

Warnings: swearing, past relationships, hurt

Summary: after winning last year's most important swim competition, ending a succesful year of training and race after race, the friendship between lee jeno and you comes to an abrupt halt when he breaks off all contact over the summer. come next school year he turns up a new fratboy - dropping his passion of swimming in favour of new interests

and yet he seems not entirely able to drop you, too.

@kacchand & @gorls-gorls

“Y’should come hang out with us, there’s another party at Epsilon Zeta tonight. Will be fun.”

You spared him a glance, momentarily diverting your attention from the paper in front of you and twirling the pen between your fingers, similar to how he was spinning the football in his hands.

“Yeah, fun for you and everyone else that only has two brain cells. Thanks, but no thanks. I need my eight hours of sleep to function.”

A frown wound its way on Jeno’s face. You stopped twirling your pen and went back to reread the last paragraph in your book, picking up a highlighter to continue what you had started before your local fratboy had so ungracefully interrupted.

“We never hang out anymore. What happened? Used to be such fun to be around you.”

His voice was tinged with sadness. You paused in your working, again. This time you didn’t look up at him, but past your book from underneath your lashes.

“I don’t know. It’s probably thanks to your new bros at your fraternity, or the fact you picked up football, or that you showed up to swim practice a whole lot of two times in this year. You tell me, Jeno. You tell me.”

He leaned forward, balancing the item of leather on his legs. His lips, parted to say something, snapped shut as you spoke up again, eyes still fixed on your book, capped end of your pen tapping your paper.

“Speaking of which, how’s that going? Football? Heard you’re having a great time there.” And at the afterparties.

He was uncomfortable now, his shoulders on different heights as he attempted to find a more relaxed position.

“The team’s great, and they- we’re really gettin’ a feel for each other. It’s fun to game with them. We’re a team.”

“What about your first team? The swim team? We don’t matter anymore?”

The way his lips pursed and his head rolled back told you enough - not that you had needed to hear or see it to know.

“Come on, you know that with you is different than... whatever that was with the swim team. I don’t even know why I joined, I don’t-”

The annoyance within you switched to sadness.

“You joined the swim team because you’re a great swimmer, Jeno. We both joined because we have fun swimming. And I wouldn’t even care if your interests changed, that’s perfectly normal, that happens, but to just leave us hanging like that? Leave me hanging like that? We have the first competition coming up next month, and our best swimmer won’t be there.” Bitterness now swung in your words as you shut your books, deciding this was as much work as you could get done today.

“Where are you going?” Jeno piped up, eyes wide and the smirk that had become so typical for him completely wiped off his face. You would’ve lied if you’d said it didn’t drive a thorn deeper into your heart that he just didn’t acknowledge what you’d just said.

“I’m done with this. The next time you wanna quit something, have the heart to let people know to not wait for you, but don’t come creeping after me to whine about ‘oh how fun it always used to be’ to hang out and wonder why that isn’t anymore, when you know damn well why. Face it, J, the only reason we kept seeing each other was three times a week for swim practice, and you decided to ditch that, so excuse me for not chasing after your alcohol-loving, girls fucking, football driven ass.”

With that you left, biting on your lower lip and sucking in a deep breath to keep the tears pooling in your eyes at bay.

He didn’t need to see just how much it hurt.

The library didn’t tolerate shouting and to your relief he didn’t come after you. No, the times in which he could read you like a book where long past now.

You tsked softly to yourself, pushing the doors of the building open and stepping out into the unused air.

Who did he think he was, just plopping down in the seat across from you after weeks of not speaking, seeing him?

It was ridiculous, how easily you accepted him back into your space, after all of that.

“Jeno’s not coming anymore.” You informed Jungwoo, later before practice.

The team Captain frowned.

“Jeno’s dropped out?” Jaehyun asked from where he was stretching, and after he had repeated it, the faces of Chenle and Jisung turned as well. All of them had disappointment written over their expressions.

“He was the best of us. Without him we won’t stand a chance in two weeks.” Jaemin said lowly.

“Guys, guys. Pull yourselves together, alright? We all kinda knew Jeno didn’t put his heart into this anymore. We still got this.” At the glum expressions on the faces surrounding you Jungwoo’s shoulders first dropped  before he shook the negative vibes off. “ We’ll still be able to pull this off. Chenle, your time on the sprint is better than ever. Jaehyun, your endurance is incredible. Yuta, you’re perfecting your breaststroke, Jennie your turns are phenomenal. Just because we lost one of us doesn’t mean we’re gonna fail, as a team! We’re still strong together, with or without Jeno. Sure, maybe we’ll lag behind in the relay a bit, but _______ can fill in for him just fine, we got this! Don’t let this influence you negatively, you are still. Strong.” Jungwoo lowered his clipboard and looked around. “I don’t care if we don’t have such a great start into the season as last year, last year was spectacular and not comparable to anything we ever had. So let’s make this year fun. Let’s have fun with what we do best, which is punching water and kicking other team’s ass.” He looked around, from one face to the other. “We got this, do you hear me?! Let me hear it!”

“Yeah! We got this!” A chorus of half and half boys and girls replied, fists in the air, no matter if they were on land or in the water already.

“We’re so fucked.”

Jungwoo dropped his duffel next to the rack you used to dry clothing, and motioned for you to hand him your own swim bag. You gave it a kick that made it slide over and softly bump into his ankle, and with a sigh he went to work.

“I thought we got this?” You helped him set up the rack correctly, clicking the safety into place that he had forgotten the first time. Tender brown eyes met yours over the strings that held up your swim suits, and he lowered the first big towel.

“You know that was just to keep them motivated. Without Jeno, we can basically go home. He was the reason we took off like that last year, I thought… I thought this year would be just as good. What happened over the summer? Did something change? Did you do something?”

You threw one of the smaller hair towels at him and he grinned, signalling he didn’t really mean the last sentence.

“Fuck do I know, man. He decided to come and get on my nerves this noon actually, when I was studying. Is a real football slash fratboy now, carrying a ball and all. Disgusting.”

Jungwoo sighed and came around the rack after hanging up his own swim shorts, hooking his right arm over your right shoulder, his knuckles brushing your collarbone. Both of you took a quiet moment to just stare out of the small window, into the shady alley between the student dorms.

“Did you try talking to him?” You asked, arms crossed over your chest but leaning into Jungwoo’s side. “I don’t know if it’ll be any good at this point, but just… to make things formal, in a way? He never said he switched, I’m not saying you should trick him back into the team with something like bureaucracy, but… Y’know?”

The warm arm slipped off your shoulder and its owner traipsed into the small kitchen, rummaging through the freezer.

“I went to see him, after he had missed practice a whole week and wasn’t answering my texts. One of his fratbros, the one that looks like he’s constantly ready to rip his shirt of and shred you, didn’t even let me past their door. Said Jeno was busy or some. I don’t know.” Jungwoo closed the door with his elbow and plopped the box with pizza on the stove, turning on the toaster oven before retrieving the baking plate from within. “I have to admit, I was really lazy about that, though. Should’ve caught him after class or so, not just… give up after one try.”

He sighed.

“Yeah, well.” You sighed, too, and picked out two glasses from the cupboard. “Cheers to my flatmates being at Epsilon Zeta’s party and us having the space all to ourselves.”

The somewhat tired expression on Jungwoo’s face changed into that of dark glee.

“Oh, we will.”

“I told Jeno I’d need my sleep when he invited me over to that dumb party, I doubt he’d accept this as sleep.” Your voice was a bit thick from where you were mushed against Jungwoo’s side, halfway through ‘The Two Towers’.

“Well, fuck Jeno and his pretty uwu-smile. At least you’re still here.” Jungwoo took another swig from the coke bottle, not bothering with the glasses you’d used before and now safely stored on the couch table, on each side of the opened bag of chips and other sweets. Your friend groaned comfortably after he’d stretched one leg and placed the socked foot on the edge of the already heavily laden table.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I won’t suddenly stop coming. I love swimming too much for that.”

“Oh yeah?” He glanced down on you, lips flushed from drinking and the hot pizza sauce. His soft, light brown hair let a single strand fall into his eyes where the rest was brushed back. “What about me? Do I not matter to you at all?”

You chuckled.

“Yes, my cherished team Captain, you are the other, sole reason I ever attend practice.”

He let out a satisfied grumble. “Good. ‘Cause if you were to quit as well, we’d be fucked. Like for real. I’d resign instantly.”

One and a half weeks later, after one of the two last practices before the first competition, someone entered the pool area as you were currently very busy staying out of the water, with almost all of the younger ones beckoning you closer to the edge, just once _______, please; but you knew what their prying hands were after and you wouldn’t allow them the satisfaction of getting what they wanted. Your clothes were nice and dry; you had taken the opportunity to observe everyone swimming this time instead of training, yourself; there was no need to change that now.

Your plan had one fatal flaw, however, which came in the shape of your Captain - and his very own hands, pushing you into the water.

A shout of surprise left your lips as you tumbled down, but not before your fingers locked in an iron grip around the collar of Jungwoo’s polo shirt, dragging him in with you.

Splashing and cheers filled the hall as Jungwoo resurfaced, shaking water out of his hair and rubbing at his eyes, a big grin on his face.

“I’m gonna make you swim extra laps for that, _______!” He threatened, floating closer to where you were currently pulling yourself out of the water by the ladder’s handlebars. “Get back in here!”

His hands closed around your hips, almost ready to pull back, when Chenle’s voice suddenly rang out, disbelief swinging in it.

“Jeno?”

The whole pool fell silent.

Jungwoo’s hands tightened around your middle before he let go and dropped back into the water as Jeno came towards your corner, pants rolled up over his ankles and feet bare. One hand was stuffed into his pocket, the other rubbed his neck.

“Hey, everyone.”

You took the last step out of the water and rose to your full height, stepping up to him and making room for the drenched Jungwoo to escape the water as well.

“What do you want here?” Arms crossed over your chest by themselves. A warm hand fell on your shoulder.

“Hi. Is there anything we can help you with, Jeno?”

Jeno’s eyes wandered from your position, locked and unrelenting, over Jungwoo’s hand on your shoulder to the more open, but still reserved, posture of his old Captain.

“Yeah, I, uh… I just… wanted to say, good luck, for the event. It’s this weekend, right?”

“That’s right, yeah. Thank you, it’s appreciated. Anything else?”

“Uh…” Jeno’s eyes swerved over the pool, over the faces of your team mates, who had gathered on the edge of the water and hung on the lane partitions, sprinkled around the corner you stood at. “Uh, nah. Nothing else.”

Without any more words the black haired guy turned around and walked out, leaving you to look at each other in mild confusion and disbelief.

As the door in the direction of the lockers swung shut, you elbowed Jungwoo.

He rubbed the spot between his ribs and send you an accusing look.

“You wanted to talk to him? Go talk to him, now.”

You threw him a towel and he caught it, falling into a jog and not long after vanished, hot on Jeno’s trail.

With a sigh you grabbed your bag and water bottle where you had dropped them during the assault.

“Alright everyone, fun time’s over. Get out of there and showering. Don’t forget to put your hats on and dry your hair before going outside, Jungwoo will roast you alive if any of you gets sick before Saturday.”

“I’m more afraid of what _______’ll do to us if we get sick. Jungwoo would just give us tea and send us home or something…”

“Jisung, I heard that!”

The boy in question ducked his head, giving a sheepish grin over his back before speed walking into the showers, Chenle in tow.

Saturday came, faster than anticipated. Class had kept you busy during the mornings and the last training had happened without much faze, despite the unclear reasons as to why Jeno had really visited the pool before.

The younger ones pushed you to explain, counting on your close relationship with the Captain, but you could only shrug.

“He’ll have his reasons, both of them, for sure. Some kinda unspoken guy-thing, maybe.”

And now here you were, shaking your head at Jungwoo, sitting wrapped in a thick scarf with a running nose and a box of Kleenex on his lap, across the aisle on the bus with you and the rest of the team.

“How long were you out in the cold like that, anyways?” You asked, pausing your observing of the landscape passing by outside.

Jungwoo stubbornly shrugged, keeping his silence about the encounter. Almost everyone else was asleep in the rows behind you, the early morning not helping.

“Did he hand in his formal resignation? Finally made it official?”

Jungwoo sneezed into another tissue and shook his head.

“...so? What did he say? Did he say anything? Why are you so cryptic about everything?”

You whipped your head around and lifted an accusing finger. “-Don’t you dare say ‘You will see’, I’m- No.”

Your Captain shut his mouth again. You stared at him a while longer, lips pressed into a single line.

“Fine. Whatever. Keep your si- Bless you. Keep your silence, if it makes you happier. I can’t be bothered with this right now.”

And you demonstratively fully turned in your seat, showing him the cold shoulder.

It didn’t take five minutes until someone poked your arm. Already annoyed you twisted your head, ready to rip Jungwoo a new one, when the face of Jaehyun abruptly shut any plans of whisper-yelling down.

“Hey.” He said lowly, and you scrambled to scoot over into the seat closer to the window, shoving your jacket off the other seat and under the empty row in the front.

“Hey- Jaehyun? Whatcha doing here?”

The other slid into the cleared spot and buried his exposed hand back into its sweaterpaw. You couldn’t make anything of the almost condescending look on his face.

“I, ah, kinda heard you and Woo just now. J is still haunting your mind as well, huh?”

You often forgot that Jaehyun was one of the oldest members of the team, alongside Jungwoo and yourself. When he joked and goofed around with the younger ones it was easy to look over his toned form that spoke of a little more training, a little more experience, and so whenever he approached you, the Vice Captain, not as just a swimmer but as an actual person who was in the year above yours, it always came as a surprise.

Now you gave him a side-eyed look, trying to judge if it’d impact the team if you’d tell him.

A quick glance over to Jungwoo showed your Captain out cold, Kleenex in hand.

You sighed.

“Honestly? I hate how I’m still thinking about him. I know it’s not been that long, but really, if he decided to fuck off like this, he doesn’t deserve me pondering about it, and especially not Woo, and while we’re at it who does he think he is, just waltzing in on practice like that, disrupting everyone? The newbies just got used to him /not/ being there, and then he just- Ugh. And it’s not like I’m safe outside either, he can just decide to come sit down next to me while I’m trying to study and I can do fuck all about that. Fuck. Fuck him. I hate him.”

You resolutely crossed your arms over your chest and sat back, a mix of a frown and a pout on your face.

Jaehyun dropped his gaze to his knees and fiddled with a lose thread on the hem of his sweater.

“Sounds like you guys were pretty close. I know you joined the team together last year but...”

He trailed off, lifting his eyes after a moment.

“Yeah. You could say that.” The bitterness of your words left an aftertaste on your tongue.

“Did you guys were in a relationship and broke up?”

You sighed and stared at the headrest of the seat in front of you. “Nah.”

“Neither?”

“Yup.” You plopped the ‘p’.

Jaehyun turned his head to face forward again. Then, after a few heartbeats of silence...

“But you love him, don’t you?”

You closed your eyes. “I’m an aromantic asexual, Jae.”

“And? Doesn’t mean you can’t have loved him.”

The glare from your gaze as you rolled your head in his direction made him lift his hands.

Outside the windows the morning dawned in streaks of a smudged grey blue and faded pink.

You didn’t respond until the blue had left the clouds and the sky was a slightly brighter shade of grey.

“Yeah.”

It was small and so quiet that you almost hadn’t heard yourself; not to speak of Jaehyun, who you weren’t even sure had stayed.

“Hm?”

A yawn stretched your face, but when you closed your mouth again all anger had left your body. You were just tired and miserable.

“Yes, Jaeyhun, I love Jeno. But admitting that doesn’t help anyone now.”

Jaehyun continued to look at you for a while longer and under his heavy gaze you shrunk back in your seat.

“Stop looking at me like that.” It came out more vulnerable than intended and you bit on your lower lip.

“It sucks.” He said, and there was nothing but honesty in his voice. “Losing someone like that. Does he know? That you love him, I mean?”

“Pff.” You settled into a new position and blinked away your tears. “Don’t think he’d care much even if he did. This is not some dumb rom-com where A tells B they’ve been in love all this time and then B suddenly turns their life around bcuz LuOvE.” You mimicked the Spongebob meme and Jaehyun chuckled.

Your eyes stayed on him a while longer until the smallest smile made your lips twitch upwards.

“Yeah, guess you got a point there. Alright. Sorry that I’ve been a bit of a bother, but was nice talking with you.” He lifted from his seat and promptly had to reach out a hand to the roof of the bus that curved over your seat as the driver swerved into a different lane.

Your lips curled some more as Jae pursed his.

“Hey, Jae. Why didn’t you opt for the spot of Captain?”

He turned his head to look back at you, a fond smile on his face.

“I’m a person that can better follow than lead, trust me. But between you and Woo...” His eyes travelled to the Captain, with his head rolled back and mouth open. “-You got it handled pretty well, let me tell you.”

You huffed good-naturedly and the other returned to his seat further back, just as you passed a sign that listed the distance to today’s destination.

It would be another good hour and so you put your chin in your hand, staring out the window, as sleep was nowhere close in the range of possibilities.

The hall was as noisy and packed as ever during competition season.

You wondered if the scent of chlorine and the warm, moist air would ever lose their effect of making adrenaline jolt you wide awake, fill you with anticipation at feeling the water surround you again.

There were already people warming up in the pool, the continuous splashing of swimmers jumping in at one end and turning at the other being the backdrop of endless chatter, cheers, shouts...

You plucked the clipboard out of Jungwoo’s hand as he struggled to balance the box of tissues, the small bag with already used ones, his own sportsbag and the aforementioned board after following you into the main hall.

“Can you check whe- Achoo! Where our seats are?”

“Bless you. Already on it... Row M on the Bleachers. Fuck they have a whole viewing tribune here... Looks like we gotta climb some stairs. You good Cap?”

Jungwoo was quick to nod, lips parted to breathe easier.

“Here, you go ahead. I’ll make sure no one got lost on their way in.” You motioned for him to go forward and turned back, gaze already scanning the mix of capped and bare heads above the mass of school-colour-coordinated outfits.

You missed the way Jungwoo’s eyes scanned the rows of visitors above the other participants.

Warm up was done and by now you were sitting in your shorts and slightly too big team-shirt squished between Jaehyun and Mina, your usual controlled self to the outer world while your heart fluttered like a small bird in the cage of your chest.

The first races would start soon and the emotions vibrating in the hall were already high strum – not even Jaehyun’s reassuring, tight hold around your side could change that. He was too attentive to have missed the nervous silence that had fallen over you, while the newbies whispered about their envy for the unbothered-ness of their Vice Captain.

Jungwoo was nowhere in sight.

“I swear to god if Woo misses the solo races-“

“Language.”

“Fuck off Jae. Where is that walking germ machine?”

“I think I saw him taking the stairs to the rows above us, for the visitors. Do you know if he expected someone to come with us?” Jennie leaned over Mina’s lap, eyes round.

Out of reflex you turned and looked over the seats, not able to spot Jungwoo’s face mask in the mass that still hadn’t settled down.

An unidentifiable feeling crept into your gut.

“Probably seeing if he can sneak better seats for the relays or some shit. Whatever.”

But your knuckles turned white around the clipboard in your lap.

Silence lasted on the hall, droning over the smooth surface of the undisturbed water, rolling between the starting blocks, circling around your form before piling as anticipation inside you.

Goggles in hand you slipped out of your flip flops, placing them aside before pulling the elastic over your head and sticking the lenses over your eyes.

Three short whistles sounded and the excitement pooled in your stomach, nervous energy simmering and beginning to boil in your legs as you climbed the first step.

The lane was short, 25m, so you’d have a turn on your 50m Butterfly.

One long whistle and you stepped up to the top, dropping into a crouch.

Breathe in. And out.

Time seemed to stretch into eternity.  Faintly you could hear the lights buzzing overhead, through the rubber cap closing your ears. You wanted to jump in, now, now, now, now-

The grizzled voice of one of the referee’s speaking into a megaphone made goosebumps rise all over your body.

“Ready-“

The next sound was so ingraved into your mind your hands twitched in anticipation of hearing it.

The beep sounded through the hall and before you could think about it the water surrounded you.

Below the surface it was calm and quiet, even with your arms and legs moving, propelling you forward. Every time you came up for air it was like hell had broken lose right here and now, so loud were the yells and deafening screams filling the previously empty air.

Then you dove back down, eyes focusing on the tiles of the pool below, and it didn’t matter anymore.

You pushed through the turn, only coming up for air after having skipped it right before going into it.

Lane six on your left lagged about a quarter lane behind you while lane four on your right was close in front.

By the time you slapped both hands against the space below the starting block you’d jumped off not even two minutes before, your arms were screaming and you silently cursed yourself for not warming up better as the beginning of a cramp threatened to take over your left calve.

Several other hearty ‘slap’s could be heard not long after you had arrived.

Only after the referee nodded its head did you pull yourself up and out of the water, shaking with adrenaline and only beginning to come down from panting and a racing heartbeat.

Jungwoo was waiting with Jaehyun behind lane four, where your teammate would start for Freestyle in one of the next rounds. Your Captain smiled through his facemask, excitedly giving you a thumb up before you slipped back into your shoes and gratefully took the towel Jaehyun threw at you.

“You totally came in first!” Jungwoo exclaimed as you stepped up to them. One of your eyebrows rose, sceptical.

“Yeah right. I fucked up the last sprint, there’s no way I could make it before lane three.”

“We’ll see. Results should come in before one PM.”

You towelled off roughly before wrapping yourself in it. “How late’s it now?”

“Half past twelve.”

You nodded before the slightly sour expression vanished from your face and you clapped a hand to Jaehyun’s still dry shoulder.

“Kick it, Jae. You can do this.”

He gave you a grin and lifted his palm. With a smirk you met it in a High Five that left both your hands burning. Jaehyun laughed.

As it turned out you had indeed won your round of Butterfly and advanced to the next round, as did Jaehyun. Several of the newbies clocked in second or third, and Jungwoo was in high spirits as he plopped down next to you around half past two.

Part of your sandwich slipped down the wrong pipe and you coughed, tears rising into your eyes.

For the time being the pool was reserved for the second warm-ups, which lowered the sense of fierce competition in the air.

“We’re off not too bad.” His voice was somewhat dulled through the mask, but the way his eyes bend into crescents told you he was pleased. After taking another bite you peeked over his arms on the spreadsheet that he had noted everyone’s name, discipline, round, lane, and time.

You scoffed at the little heart he’d drawn next to your winning time.

“This is going better than I expected, to be honest. Mina is up next, they’re starting breaststroke in her year now. “

“When are relays again?”

“Uhh... To- Morrow? No, here, at seven. Mixed relays are at seven, the others are tomorrow, after the endurance and seconds rounds from today. No wait, we have our relay tomorrow, too; today is just for younger aged mixed teams. Wow what a mess... Freaky scheduling.”

“I am shivering in fear of whoever planned this out. When are we supposed to head out? I feel like we’re lagging behind.” You swallowed the last bite of your sandwich half and longingly stared at the second one. You knew you couldn’t eat it now, it’d weight too heavy during your Freestyle race coming up. Instead of the delicious bread and veggies, you settled for a cereal bar as a dessert.

“Have you seen Mina?” Jaehyun yelled from the stairs over the heads of several bickering swimmers from a neighbouring team. Jungwoo shook his head.

“Isn’t she warming up right now?”

“Did you check the locker rooms?” Jaeyhun lifted his hands at your question and shook his head at Jungwoo’s.

You were half out of your seat when Jungwoo gently pushed you back down, rising in your stead.

“You stay and digest properly, I don’t want you throwing up. Jaehyun, I’ll be there in a second, give me a moment – Any of you seen her?” He asked, directed at Chenle and Jennie, wrapped in an intense game of Uno with two of their friends from a different team. Both shook their heads, but Jennie shoved her cards into Chenle’s chest and followed her Captain away.

Fifteen minutes later and they hadn’t shown up yet, time for warm ups running out and the next round of races coming up fast.

On your ride back home you sat with an arm slung around Mina, wrapped in Jaeyhun’s soft pullover, far too big on her.

Her tears had subsided by now, but her head was still resting on your shoulder, her body curled into yours.

Jennie had found her sobbing in a toilet stall in the girl’s locker room, overwhelmed by the experience and shaken to the core at the fear of coming in last in her round, or even approaching the starting block.

After much coaxing and reassuring words from you and Jennie she’d finally come out and, in the end, had gotten her chance to swim after all, as Jisung had intentionally messed up his start, delaying the whole round by several minutes as one of the resident hot heads hadn’t heard the multiple honks of the siren, signalling the cancellation of the first start.

Too exhausted from the day, you fell into bed that night, not bothering to check your phone or do anything else besides hang up your gear to dry in time for tomorrow and wolf down an unholy amount of pasta.

The second day of the tournament started as early as the last one. The bus was silent, only Jungwoo’s sniffling ringing through it.

Mina sat next to you again, but this time in support of you, how she had phrased it – you did have your seconds round today as well as the relay.

She was currently napping, her head laying on your shoulder, while you scrolled through your Captain’s phone, reading an updated schedule he’d downloaded before boarding.

They switched some of the second rounds around, but most of it was training races anyway.

Mina mumbled a few nonsense words and snuggled closer. You took a moment to lower the mobile device and lay your cheek on the crown of her head.

Forcing the memory of a similar scene, only with you in Mina’s place and Jeno in yours, out of your head, you went back to the chart on the display.

The first tournament completely without Jeno. You thought to yourself. It didn’t feel like that, not really.

He could’ve just went to the toilet and stayed there, and you caught yourself, later, sat on the bleachers again. Caught yourself looking up after cracking a particular lame joke, only to quickly dip your eyes back down, realizing Jeno’s smile wouldn’t be there to affirm that the joke was, indeed, as terrible as Jaehyun proclaimed.

You couldn’t find it in you to care much for what went down in the pool below the handrails of the bleachers, pretended to nonetheless to not discourage the newbies.

Jungwoo found you half an hour later just outside the doors, basking in a spot of thinning sunlight, with a cup of overpriced gummies.

“You good?”

“Yeah, Just want to get this over with and go to sleep...” Sudden realization dawned on you. “Fuck tomorrow is a school day.”

A hand came up to rub over your face and stayed over your eyes. “I’m too tired, Woo. I’ll have to pass the relay. Swimming my seconds was too much.”

You were only half joking at this point, but Jungwoo just closed his arms around you and rested his head on your shoulder.

“It’s too much.” You whispered into his shoulder, and he only held you closer.

“I’m going first, everyone else knows the order, right? Right. Okay. Remember, we don’t need to win, but if we do... That’d be nice. Okay, we’re up next. Don’t die and have fun.”

“Inspirational.” You heard Yuta muttering after you had already turned around and put on your goggles, and Sicheng hummed in agreement.

Your irritated eyes searched for your Captain among the rows of the bleachers, but once more, he was nowhere to be found. Oh well.

Before the masses calmed down you felt three hands on your shoulders, giving a reassuring squeeze.

You didn’t need to turn back to know all of your teammates were silently showing you their support through a simple gesture.

“We’re with you till the end of the line.” Yuta mumbled, barely loud enough to hear over the general ruckus.

Strength flooded your arms, spread through your middle and stretched down into your legs.

The simple comment, the quiet acknowledgement of the pain that came with having to go first, to lead them all, with this whole situation, because just last year it had been Jeno standing in almost the exact same spot you were in now, facing the water with nothing but determination and a will too strong to turn back now.

The trust they placed in you made you lift your chin. It fuelled the rage burning inside your chest, about how unfair all of this was, how you had never aimed for leadership, how it had been thrust upon you and how you were still too proud to let anyone else handle it.

The first whistle sounded and you took a step forward, the warm fingers letting go of your shoulders, but the feeling of unrelenting trust, appreciation and team spirit stayed. It radiated from your shoulders and spread behind you like blazing wings burning brighter than the stars.

The first 50m were a blur. Your flat hand hit the end of the lane with a loud clap and a shadow jumped over you, dove into the water and was gone.

The water clung to you as you pulled yourself up and out, but it had to let you go as you gave a reassuring touch to both Jenny and Sicheng, anxiously waiting their turn.

The situation in the pool didn’t look too bad. Jennie filed you in on your great start and the distance you built up that the other teams currently struggled to match, with how Yuta was zooming through the blue water, closing in on the turn zone again.

Sicheng jumped in next and lost a bit of distance after he messed up the turn, but then he came back, giving the lane to Jennie who seemed possessed by a fierce energy to make it at least third.

She was good, you noticed every time you watched her swim. When she overtook lane two in her turn your heart began to beat faster again – she was in third now, only a meter separating her from lane three. If she could make the distance up...

It was easy to give into the spirit, to yell along your other swimmers, focusing your whole attention on the girl in the water below, trying to push her forward with the shouts.

When she surfaced, only a few arm lengths from the end your heart jumped into your throat. Lane six had already wrapped their relay, way before anyone else, but Jennie...

Jennie pulled through, skipped coming up for air with her last four strokes in favour of utilizing all her remaining strength.

When she hit the end of the lane your eyes flew to lane three. You caught the moment their swimmer came in – moments after Jennie.

She had won - you had won.

You reached out with the arm that wasn’t slung around Sicheng’s middle when she got out of the water, out of breath and not knowing what had happened yet.

Sicheng yelled “We won! Well we kinda lost but we still won!”

You pulled her into the group hug you shared with Yuta, and all of you stuck your heads together and grinned, happiness and the elation of knowing you won making your hearts soar.

In the end it turned out that lane six had set some uber-intense results, beating a competition record and leaving virtually everyone in their metaphorical dust, but that didn’t matter.

You, for yourself, among the less victory-driven teams, had won.

Around you the competition continued but you didn’t care about it anymore. With your head in Yuta’s lap, legs over Jennie’s, a big smile plastered over your face and Sicheng half-heartedly commenting the events that took place below you all, it was enough.

It was enough, you thought to yourself, closing your eyes against the ceiling and, for the first time this school year, feeling utterly able to relax. Let go of the stress and anxiety that snuck around your days.

In this moment you were weightless.

“Hey guys!” Jungwoo’s voice reached you, and Sicheng broke off his commentary completely. You didn’t move, too comfortable in your spot.

“I’m so happy you won the relay! Lane six were idiots for starting in the same time slot, of course no one could match them- But you! You guys did it! You won! I’m so proud of you! –And you, especially!”

A finger poked your stomach, into the soft tissue there, and you let out a noise of protest that morphed into a whine as you wrapped your arms around your middle and turned your head. Then you cracked an eye open, already complaining about how this treatment was not what you deserved and how you had expected better from him, how you felt utmost betrayed, when a  person behind your Captain leaned around the brunet and said “Looks like you really still got it.”

The words you’d wanted to say dropped back down your throat. An uncomfortable silence spread within you, half still caught in the euphoric feeling that the win had brought with it, half sluggish from the serene mood that had settled over your small corner of the bleachers.

Jeno beamed around Jungwoo, who looked over the present faces, smiling despite his still reddened nose.

With a sigh you pulled your legs off Jennie and sat up, waiting a heartbeat for your heart to get accustomed to the change of position before standing up and without much care pushed past the two males.

This was not something you could use now, still tasting victory alongside the chlorine water on your lips.

But of course he was here for a reason, and that seemed to involve you, and so he caught you at the end of the stairs.

“Hey, _______, wait. Can- Can I talk to you?”

“No.” You answered flatly, figuring the quickest way to momentarily get rid of him would be the toilets.

“Jungwoo said you’d be- Can you slow down please? I just wanted to congratulate you on your relay today;  that was really great. _______, please? Are you even listening to me?”

He had grabbed your wrist and tugged at it. You forcefully ripped it out of his grasp, turned in your spot and glared him down.

“What do you really want here? I know you don’t care about swimming anymore, otherwise it’d have been you out there, swimming in the relay, fighting alongside us. Is this some kind of self-redemption thing? You thinking if you just blabber us full of meaningless talk it’ll ease on the loss you caused the team? What?”

He kept quiet for a heartbeat, eyes staring into yours, lips moving without sound.

“Although I gotta give it to you, I didn’t expect you to come all the way out here to pull some bullshit like this, or-“ A twitch of his cheek and your heart fell. “Ah. Right. It wasn’t your idea. Did Jungwoo ask you to come here? To, I don’t know, fuck shit up even more? Just stay away Jeno. You don’t get to ruin this.”

“Actually... It was my idea to ask if he wanted to come.” Came a quiet voice from behind you.

Upon turning you couldn’t believe your eyes. Jaehyun stood in front of the doors leading to the showers, towelling himself off even though his hair kept dripping down his chest.

“You.” You stated, feeling part of the annoyance, the blatant hurt within you, turn and direct itself at the dark brunet. You pressed your lips together, mulling over the emotions welling within you and how betrayal was swirling into it.

“And what did you think this would bring?”

“A chance for both of you to speak yourself out.” Jaeyhun simply stated, dropping the towel around his shoulders, crossing his arms and using his posture as a way to add an intimidating ring to his words. “I know you still have an earful for this idiot, and as it happens, I’m friends with his Coach, and it looks like Jeno has a some pent up feelings about all of this, too. So, you’re welcome. Now get along, children.”

He shooed you in the direction of the hallways, leading into various directions.

“Will you... Will you listen to me, now?” Came the voice from Jeno, shortly behind you.

You stopped halfway between the showers and the common areas, arms crossing over your chest and leaning back against the wall. Any people previously milling in the space cleared out as the line-up for the next relay got announced.

“So? What do you want to say.”

“Can we do this one for one? I say something, you say something?”

He had the decency to look somewhat bashful. You narrowed your eyes at him and kept quiet, save for the slightest incline of your head.

“Okay,” He sighed, his back hitting the wall opposites you. “I’ll go first, I guess.”

He ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry. For completely ignoring you over the summer.” He swallowed, staring at the floor. As you didn’t speak up, his eyes slipped up, landing on your face. “Your... your turn.”

You were tempted to not say anything. Just keep quiet, let him stew in his own juices, never opening your mouth again.

“I’m really fucking disappointed in you. For just dropping what we had, what we had with the team during last school year. Just like that. With no explanation.”

He ducked his head.

“I-  I, I started to have... There were some things I needed to sort out, and then Jungwoo and you started to really hit it off during the few times we met for swimming after winning the year’s finals, and I... I felt... I was jealous. Because you liked him so much more than me. No, I’m-“ He held up a hand as you wanted to intercept. “I’m not done yet. I realized how dumb it was, over the summer, when I didn’t text you, or saw you, or anything. I- God I missed you like crazy. But every time I picked up the phone to send a funny video to you, or a pic, or... anything, really, I just. I couldn’t get over myself and how shitty I treated you and Jungwoo during the last weeks. And then... summer vacation was over and we were back here, and over the summer I kinda hung out with Johnny, and Doyoung, and... they were really nice, and when a spot at their frat house opened, I jumped at it. The booze and... this sense of, of different.. friendship... helped forget about you, and the team.”

You stared at him, eyebrows drawn, silent.

“It’d have been nice to get an official fuck you note or something from you, something that drew a clear cut in our friendship.”

He pressed his lips together and avoided your gaze.

“I miss swimming. A few times I met up with Jaeyhun, just to spend some time in the water again. I still miss you.”

“I-“ You closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose. “I don’t know what this is supposed to achieve. I don’t know why anything I could tell you would change anything.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to change anything. Just... let’s just say what we have to say? I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to face what I was feeling head on, and that I took it out on you like this. That I was too selfish about my feelings and instead of preserving the friendship I had with you rather shut myself off and pretended to be someone else entirely. That I was such a dick addressing it, wrongly, whenever I sat down with you or met you in the hallway.”

“I don’t know if it’d have changed anything in the way I would’ve seen you if you’d have told me, then.”

You answered truthfully, the venom stealing out of your words. “Whatever the real reason was that you got jealous of Jungwoo and me. But that doesn’t change the fact we haven’t really talked since last year’s finals, and this now, here, you coming here, invading the space you pushed yourself out of-“

You shook your head once, “I appreciate you telling me, whatever this was, I guess, but it doesn’t-“

“It was because I love you, okay?”

Jeno’s sudden outburst made you close your mouth. His eyes glinted, his foot tapped the floor impatiently and he had half peeled himself off the wall.

Your heart slipped past your liver down into the region of your hips.

“It was because I loved you. Different than how I had ever loved someone before. And seeing how easy it was for Jungwoo and you to, to... You were constantly touching. Holding hands, hugging, resting in each other’s space, god, _______, he even had his hand on your thigh during movie nights with the team, while I sat aside, not even able to have my arm around you!”

“That’s not something you have a say in.” You spoke lowly. Jeno’s head whipped around, his eyes wild. His teeth released his lip where he’d bitten down on it.

“Yeah, no, I know- I know okay? Nobody owns you, I know. It just added to how insignificant I felt at that time, my inability to muster the guts to just...”

Something in him seemed to have snapped, releasing the invisible barrier keeping all of this back. You kept silent and watched him spill over.

“I realized I was so incredibly jealous because for Jungwoo it was so easy to just...just do that! And for some reason I just couldn’t. No, I couldn’t, and every time my rational side would go ‘But Jeno you can just ask!’ I just. I just... couldn’t do it. And I hate myself so much for it. I hate that I messed all of this up. I just. The last time we saw each other, before this year’s school, before summer, we didn’t even hug goodbye.”

His voice broke at the end and he stared at your face, shoulders rolling forward, looking utterly lost.

At your unmoving facade he blinked and searched the floor with his eyes instead. When he spoke again his voice was shaking, thin. “I’m sorry. I know what I did was dumb, childish, and I understand if you don’t want to see me ever again after today. I just. Wanted to say this.”

He fell back to the wall, like it had a gravitational pull on him, stuffed his hands in his pockets and huffed out a sigh.

You continued to look at him, mind blanking at the thought of what you could, should, say.

Eventually you settled on something.

“It really hurt, you know? Just suddenly being robbed of my best friend. And it’s not like this would be the first time. You know that, I told you all about the first-“ Deep breathe. “I really thought you’d be better than this. Than all of that. I thought what we had was good, a stable friendship. If you’d have wanted to include more skinship, or anything, into this friendship, you could’ve. Really, you could have just asked. I thought you knew I’d never laugh at you or ridicule you for something like that. I’ve told you things... I don’t even want to think of anymore. You know so much shit about me, and to be honest, I’m just waiting for the day you’re spilling it all out to someone and they start gossiping. I’m waiting for it. I waited for you, too, the whole of summer, the months after vacation. I knew at that point you’d dropped me, and I still couldn’t let you go, because I love my friends, I’ll always do, I just have a loyal heart and I can’t help it, and I really thought you’d know that. That even after all this absolute bullshit of first being mean and a dick and then not talking to me, I’d still take you back. Because that’s how much I love you, Jeno. That’s how weak of a person I am. I can pretend to be strong, or not caring, or like I like to punish newbies for not following guidelines, but the truth is that I will always love too deeply, too fiercely; But maybe that’s because it’s the only love I have to give. Maybe it’s the only thing I can give. Maybe, if I just love someone enough, they’ll see, feel that they are loved one day. Maybe even know it’s me loving them. But evidently, that doesn’t work out. Never does. It doesn’t really surprise me. I’m just disappointed, because you. I thought you knew. I thought you knew how much it meant to me. That you saw how much soul I poured into all of this. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t. I just know that I’ll need time. To digest all of this. I don’t know. I don’t. Know.”

When you looked at him next, you could make out two thin trails of wetness running down Jeno’s cheeks.

“If I. Would you. Could we try again? Can we be friends again? Maybe?”

He asked, so carefully.

You shrugged, glancing at his figure from the corners of your eyes. “I don’t know. It’s not up to me. If you think you can be my friend, fine. But either you’re committing to this, or don’t. I don’t have time for half-assed attempts. And it’ll need time. I can’t just... We can’t just pick up where we left off. It doesn’t work like that.”

He nodded, like he actually understood what you’d been rambling about, even though you weren’t too sure yourself.

Jeno took a deep breath and ran both his palms over his face. You leaned forward, ready to turn and leave, but finding your legs unwilling to unlock just yet. They were stiff from standing still so long, and you frowned down on them.

“Can I. Would- Would you be okay if we hugged?”

You wanted to say no. You wanted to curl away, pull back into your shell, where nothing could hurt you. This conversation, this whole day could have not happened. You could wake up tomorrow and find it was only Saturday, or worse, Friday; the whole weekend of tournament still in your future.

It seemed easy to brush over everything he’d just said, ignore it in favour of holding on to the painful grudge that had holed itself into a spot in your soul.

You wanted to turn on your heels and walk away, let the conflict sink below the surface again, until you went back to ignoring each other in the hallways of school. It seemed so easy.

“Yeah.” It escaped your lips.

Jeno was still warm. His arms were still stronger than they looked. He still liked to tuck his head on your shoulder, even though he had to lean down to do that.

He still had one arm around your lower back and the other over your shoulder blades.

He still remembered you like, longed for, bone crushing hugs that held you together.

Mushed into his chest you allowed the tight knot in your chest to dissipate. Allowed the hot tears to run away, escape your eyelids and spill over.

“It’s been so long, Jeno.” You mumbled into his white shirt. “So long.”

“I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Forgive me, please. For-“ He sucked in a breath, and you could feel his fingers clinging into the rough fabric of your team shirt, into your soft skin below. “I’m so sorry. I was such an idiot, I can’t believe I ever-“

“I accept your apology.” You whispered, and now you could feel Jeno’s chest twitching, moving under your cheek, could feel the quiet sobs as you held each other.

“Wooooo! Jenoooo!!!” Jungwoo shouted, jumping up and down with two comically large Styrofoam hands (both left) pulled over his own.

You chimed into the cheer that roared through the crowd and twisted into a very loud ‘boo!’ as the opposing team pulled a stunt.

Even though you knew nothing about football, and no matter how much Jeno attempted to explain its rules, it wouldn’t stick.

But that was okay.

After the game was won, you still got to run down to the field to hug a disgustingly sweaty Jeno, who’d drop his helmet off to the side and open his arms for you.

You still got to sit on the hood of your new, gently used car, with a box of pizza and a whole 2l bottle of 7up, relishing in the warm summer air that filled the now deserted parking lot behind the stadium.

You still got to watch the sky turn orange, gold and red and pink, and you still got to lean your head on his shoulder, with his head resting on top of yours, damp hair from the shower drying in the still air.

Jungwoo found you and joined you, plopping down next to Jeno, mimicking your position and whining until Jeno placed his other arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders.

And it was good.

#thekpopnetwork #jungwoonet #kim jungwoo x reader #kim jungwoo/reader #lee jeno x reader #lee jeno/reader #nct reader insert #swearing #swimmer au #nct swimming au #mentions of jaehyun. chenle. jisung. jaemin. yuta. sicheng. johnny. doyoung. mina. jennie #swimmer!jeno #swimmer!jungwoo #swimmer!reader #aromantic reader #asexual reader #aro-ace reader #gender neutral reader #hurt #angst #nct hurt #nct angst #fluff #only non-sexual relationships #past friendship #friendship breakup #partly based on free! #swim competition #comfort #past conflicts

[e350tb]

Steven Universe: Marooned Together - Chapter Thirty-Two

(with thanks to @real-fakedoors for reading)

Stevonnie and Lapis sat at the doors of the barn, wide open to the elements. A gentle, steady downpour weeping a steady pitter-patter onto the leaf-thatched ceiling, running down the ridges and grooves and soaking the earth down to the foundation. They hadn’t spoken for some time, sharing in the quiet observation of the world beyond.

Stevonnie rubbed their arm, occasionally stealing glances at the blue gem. A few times, it looked as though one of them were about to say something, but then inevitably their mutual silence returned. The high of the kiss had worn off, replaced by a weird sense of… awkwardness. Now that they had crossed the threshold, neither of them seemed quite sure of what to do next.

“So,” Stevonnie said at last, “Are we…”

“I… think so?” replied Lapis, cheeks burning dark navy. “Unless you don’t want to, I mean… I…”

She looked away, biting her lip.

“No,” replied Stevonnie, “I think… I think I do.”

They sat in silence for a while longer.

“So we’re together, then,” said Lapis, “I-I-I mean we’ve been together for twenty years, but now we’re together together, so…”

There was a long silence.

“We need to talk to Garnet, don’t we?” asked Stevonnie.

“Yeah, I think we do.”

There were a lot of things Lapis and Stevonnie might have expected when warping to New Earth. They definitely might have expected a welcoming committee, having both been missing for - was it two weeks? Lapis couldn’t quite remember. They expected having to answer some questions - where did you go, what happened, how did you escape Yellow Diamond?

The last thing they expected was to be staring down the barrel of a gun. Yet that is exactly what they saw as they warped into the back room of the Diamond’s Lament.

“Uh… what?” Stevonnie asked.

The pistol was held by a Human Resistance officer, his face twisted into a dark scowl.

“You’re in violation of the Gem Restriction Act,” he sneered, “And I…”

“The Gem Resistriction what?” demanded Lapis.

“Don’t play dumb with me, rock,” replied the officer, “Now come quietly and I won’t have to shatter you.”

Lapis blinked.

“You… you actually think you can take us,” she said flatly.

“I said,” the officer snarled, “Come quietly. Or else I’ll-”

Anything else he might have said was cut off by a loud crash as someone slammed a large bag of fruit over his head. The officer slumped to the floor, revealing Jenny standing behind him.

“‘Sup, ‘Vonnie,” she said, “Glad to see you’re still with us!”

“I… thanks,” replied Stevonnie, “What the heck was he doing?”

Jenny frowned, turning and walking to the door. She locked it with a metallic ‘clink’ before turning back to the two gems.

“Lewis launched a coup,” she replied.

“She what?!” exclaimed Stevonnie.

Jenny nodded, sitting down on top of some old crates.

“When you didn’t come back, Amethyst was furious,” she explained, “I mean, I’ve never seen her that mad. Dug into Franks at the debrief - I thought she might actually kill him. Humiliated him in front of all of his officers. They didn’t take that well.”

She sighed, running a finger along a dusty shelf surface.

“Anyway, Ames and Peri went off to find you - I think they’re still out,” she continued, “Which left Garnet and the HR to look after New Earth. ‘Cept nobody respected Franks anymore, which meant Lewis could convince them to overthrow the government.”

“Garnet,” asked Stevonnie, “Jeff, Peedee, are they okay?”

“Jeff’s locked up with Franks,” replied Jenny, “Garnet and Peedee are at the Museum of Earth - there’s still people holding out against the Resistance there. I can take you guys there if you want.”

“Of course!” replied Stevonnie, “We can’t just leave our friends, can we?”

“Plus we need to talk to Garnet,” added Lapis, “About… things.”

“Alright, c’mon.”

Jenny unlocked the door again, slipping into the main bar room. She glanced over to Simon, waving her arm in a circular motion - the old bartender nodded, reaching under the counter and throwing her a dirty old key.

“You ever seen the sewers?” asked Jenny.

“...no,” replied Stevonnie.

“Well, you’re about to.”

The sewers were not particularly impressive - they were sewers, so it’s not like they had particularly high expectations. The ceilings were low, forcing Stevonnie to crouch to fit their head in, and the walkway creaked and groaned. The air was putrid and stale, the water a foul brown, and there was precious little light.

The sewer was one of the first parts of New Earth to be built - it was a hygienic necessity, but it was clear it had been built before gem tech began to be integrated in the settlement. It was a jerry-rigged tube of rusted metal, held together by grit, polish and a healthy amount of wishful thinking. It was, evidently, overdue to be upgraded, nearing the limits of its capacity - exactly how Lewis intended to do this without gem help was anyone’s guess.

“Where’s the water coming from?” asked Lapis.

“Used to be we’d have to go out and get it from asteroids or other planets,” replied Jenny, “But we put in a water production plant about… two, three years ago? It’s under the hospital. Saves a heck of a lot of work.”

Stevonnie nodded.

“You’ve really made something here, haven’t you?” they asked,

“Sure have,” replied Jenny, “It’s what we can do when we work together, y’know?”

She grinned.

“There’s always room for two more, y’know.”

“I… we’re happy on the island, I think,” replied Stevonnie.

“It’s home,” Lapis shrugged.

“Well, you two ever change your mind, maybe you can get a little apartment or something,” said Jenny, her tone turning conspiratorial, “You know, just a little one bedroom thing…”

She chuckled as Stevonnie and Lapis both blushed.

“Anyway,” she said, “We’re here.”

They had reached a small ladder and a hatch on the roof. Gently, Jenny tapped on it - once, twice, three times. There was a brief silence and a muffled voice.

“Password?”

“I dunno, you change it every time I come here.”

“Oh, right… um… uh… who won the battle of-”

“Just let me in!”

“...alright.”

The hatch creaked open. The Curator, looking a little haggard but otherwise none the worse for wear, motioned for them to climb up.

The main floor of the Museum of Earth was crowded with gems - pearls, rubies, peridots and all manner of others - and their human allies. The exhibits had mostly been spirited away into the back rooms, allowing as much space as possible for what appeared to be a combined command centre and triage. Not far away, Peedee and Garnet were discussing something - the former looked incredibly tired, and there was a nasty new scar running across his mouth.

“Garnet!”

The two turned as Stevonnie ran over, pulling the fusion into a hug. She grinned, returning the gesture and spinning them around.

“You’re alive?!” exclaimed Peedee.

Garnet pulled out of the hug but kept her hands on Stevonnie’s shoulders.

“I knew you’d make it,” she said.

“Because of your future vision?”

“No.” Garnet glanced over to Lapis. “Because you have someone who would never give up on you.”

Lapis blushed, averting her eyes.

“So what’s going on?” asked Stevonnie, “I heard about Jeff and Franks… I guess… but how’s everyone else?”

Peedee frowned.

“We haven’t been able to get back to the dock and call Amethyst,” he replied, “So we’re on our own. As far as people who can fight, we got me, Garnet, Jenny, Buck, Carl… I think that’s it.”

“I can fight!” the Curator said brightly.

“No you can’t,” replied Peedee.

“No I can’t,” the Curator agreed glumly.

“What about Vidalia?” asked Stevonnie.

Peedee pointed over his shoulder.

Vidalia was laid on a table which apparently doubled as a bed, her stomach being bandaged by Doctor West and a lime-green pearl. She winced as he tightened the bandage, before turning her head to Stevonnie and Lapis.

“Yeah, thought you two would make it,” she said, “I’d come over and say hi, but…”

She winced.

“...they got me right in the gut,” she grunted, “Doc says I’m lucky I’m not dead ‘cause I’m ‘old’ or something.”

“The chances of recovering from a gunshot wound from a person pushing seventy are greatly decreased from…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” snorted Vidalia, “I’m alive, ain’t I? And I got them as good as they got me.”

She pointed at a shotgun resting against the wall.

“Why’s Lewis getting away with this?” demanded Lapis, crossing her arms, “Why didn’t anybody notice?”

“We did notice,” grumbled Vidalia.

“Jeff brought this up with Franks time and time again,” said Peedee bitterly, “But you know what he did? He went and asked Lewis if she was doing anything wrong. He asked officers if they were stockpiling weapons. He asked if they were disobeying him. And then he took them at their word.”

“After what happened at the space station,” added Jenny, “Jeff was gonna launch an investigation. Lined up a few people to take a proper look - me, Vidalia, Simon, Lenny… but that spooked ‘em. By the time Franks even knew they were planning a coup, it was too late.”

“And now they have Jeff,” spat Peedee.

“And Franks,” added the Curator helpfully.

“Fuck Franks!” Peedee spat, “This is all his fault! If he’d just done his damn job - or better yet, hadn’t decided to play freedom fighter for twenty years - Jeff would be safe and I wouldn’t be panicking about whether he’s alive or not, and… fuck him! Just fuck him!”

He ran his hands through his hair.

“He never meant anything wrong,” reminded Garnet.

“That doesn’t matter,” replied Peedee.

He sighed.

“I’m going in the back to cool off,” he said, “Let me know if anything happens.”

He marched away.

“So,” asked Lapis, “What do we do now?”

“Attention Homeworld sympathisers!”

A voice, amplified by a megaphone, came from outside.

“This is the Provisional Government,” the voice continued, “We offer you one last chance at clemency. All humans inside the building, with the exception of the arch criminals Peedee Fryman and Vidalia… um… Vidalia…”

“Nice to be famous,” muttered Vidalia.

“...may leave the Museum of Earth without punishment if they come out quietly within the next hour. We have only one stipulation.”

“Of course,” muttered Jenny, “What’s the catch?”

“All persons who take this offer must be present at 1700 hours for the public executions of Roger Franks and former Mayor and arch-collaborator Jeff Fryman outside the hospital. You have one hour. Make your choice.”

There was a long, long silence.

“...public executions?” blurted Jenny at last, “What is this, 1755?”

#steven universe #marooned together #stevonnie #lapis lazuli #jenny pizza #peedee fryman #garnet #vidalia #lapvonnie #jeffdee #the human resistance are disappointing as usual

[kandadiff]

Meeting parents - school ver.

You - (tell me if im missing anyone and it was random)

• Jungkook - don't like you • Thomas - mom Likes you, dad is not convinced • Caleb - Both love you so much • Jay park – Mom likes you • Olivia - Both doesn't • Shawn - You know you're negans little purse dog • BamBam - no they dont • Noah - dad likes you, mom not so much • Stephan - dad loves you • Jake - Dad loves you, mom not so much • Edward - Anne loves you duh • JB - Both don't like you much • Yugyeom - Both love you • Daesung - both dont • Asap - mom yes, dad no GD - mom no, dad loves you • Brandon - Both love you • Jimin - Both love you • Michael - aunt likes you better then she likes draven for tchalla • Charlie - both no • Romeo - mom likes you, dad not so much • Kai - Dad likes you better then Jennie, Mom likes jennie better then you • Billy - mom loves you, dad no • Lucas - mom likes you, dad no

Me

• Max - uncle yes, parents no • Lay - dad likes me mom no • William - Both don't like me much • Junhoe - mom yes, dad no • Damien - dad yes • Jhope - Mom likes me, dad not so much • Louis - Both don't like me much • Liam - Mom yes, dad no • Suga - dad yes, mom no • Connor - Both don't like me • Zayn - Dad likes me, mom not so much • Jackson - mom yes dad no • RM - Mom yes, dad no • TOP- Both do • Bobby - both do • Hyunjin - both don't

Katya • V - both love her • Marcel - anne loves everyone • Chanyeol - both do •       Jhope - dad yes, mom no • Jungkook - dad yes, mom no • Seungmin - dad yes mom no • Baekhyun - mom yes, dad no • Seungri - mom yes, dad no

Makayla • Tyler - dad yes, mom not so much • Taeyang - both do • Chen - both do • Xuimin - both do • Know - both don't • Taeil - dad yes mom no • Ten - both do • Kade - they know and love her • YoungJae -both don't • Irene - both parents and makayla think they are just frineds and but mom doesn't like her

Draven • Roman - mom yes, dad no • Felix - both do • Tchalla - mom no, sis yes • Jeno - dad yes, mom n o • Jinyoung - neither like her • Steven - dad yes, mom no •  Jaehyun - dad yes, mom no • Leroy - both love her • Jeongin - dad yes , mom no

Kitty • Harry - litterally unless you kill someone anne loves everyone • Jin - dad loves her, mom is skeptic • Mark - both do • Suho - mom likes her, dad no • Woojin - both do • Kyungsoo - mom yes, dad no • Johnny - dad yes, mom no • Seungri - both do • Doyoung - both do

-

Every year the school put together a family week, it was exactly what it sounded like, students family got to visit for a week at the school and students have the opportunity to meet the others parents. Unfortunately this parents week came earlier then expected and we had little notice. Litterally just 3 days so in the middle of frantically cleaning up our dorms like mad women and mad men we also had to now meet the parents of many people, mostly guys. So right now we all sat in the library trying to schedule a way for us to meet their parents as well as have them meet ours before the large party Saturday marking the end of the parents week. No one wanted to wait until the last minute because that meant less control over the embarrassing facts parents told each other.

All 5 of us looked like we were in the middle of a crazy project, we had high lighters, colored pens, sticky notes, colored tabs and each of us had a planning book. “Hey”  Katya said tapping your shoulder with her pen “Sunday breakfast is when I was planning to see Taehyungs parents - Jimin’s parets should be there too.”

“Sunday is no good” you sighed seeing you had already planned to meet JB’s parents the first day …. after you saw Anne of course. “Kitty we still on for breakfast with Anne?” Kitty nodded and Katya rubbed her face with her hands.

“Damn I forgot about that... well V’s parents have to wait for an hour.” Katya said crumbling the paper to write the new schedule.” She looked at me writing in the planner fairly quietly. “How are you so calm?”

“Oh” I held up the planner filled with more doodles then actual planning “I’m freaking out, so I’m distracting myself. Why the hell did those dummies leave it up to us.”

“Because they know we go hoes in different area codes.” Draven smirked but the way she kept sipping her tea every 5 seconds gave it away, she got thirsty when she was nervous. 

“Why are you worried? didn’t you already meet some of those parents?” Makayla asked peering over at Draven’s list.

“only Roman’s but his dad isn’t my biggest fan after I changed a tire faster then him. Stupid man, anyway I’m more nervous about T’Challa’s mother. She’s like this crazy important person where he is back home and honestly out of all these dudes, I really like him.” After a chorus of Aww’s she drank her tea again and rolled her eyes.

“What does she do?” Katya asked curiously and Draven shrugged.

“He’s been real hush about it. stupid man, if its something we have in common then we can talk about it but he’s being real shady about everything.” she looked down at her mug “Damn im out.” she stood up “anyone need a refill?” we shook our head and she walked to the small coffee/tea café in the library. 

“I’m most nervous about Tyler and Tayang. I mean Taeil too I guess, he’s really cool but I think he really cares what his parents think and I really love being his friend,” her eyes scanned down her list “ can you belive Kade actually asked me to meet your parents?”

Kitty gave a quizzical look and looked at the note in her brother handwriting he passed to Makayla just days before and laughed. “But you know them, you all met them plenty times before.”

“Maybe he has a crush on her”  I smirked and you sighed.

“Good luck with that, no offense Kitty but your brother is so bipolar with his love life, remember when he would only talk to me when other dudes were talking to me.” She nodded and laughed.

“I don’t even ask about his love life but that's all he does with me. It’s annoying.” Kitty sighed looking down at her planner “but i’m really nervous too. what if none of these parents like me or what if my parents don’t like them.”

“Oh please Kit, you could literally piss on all these people’s floors and they’ll still think you are heaven sent. You have a weird good luck with parents, and your parents literally love everyone. They’re like Anne.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Plus you literally look like an angel.” You said and Makayla nodded in agreement as Draven came back, taking a sip already. After that we went back to amking the schedule and continued until the libarian came around telling us the libabry was closing in 15 minutes. 

“Hows it looking for everyone?” I asked and everyone looked at there planners and we all sighed at once immediately laughing. 

“I’m starting off good, i’m seeing Anne first on my own.” You smiled “but then im meeting Jay’s mom for brunch... soooo.”

“Tylers parents are getting here late so I’m Taeyangs first.” Makayla said looking at Katya to go next.

“Seungri’s first” we all looked at her confused “Just to get it out of the way. a quick breakfast and to explain to everyone we are just friends.”

“Yeah good luck with that” Draven smirked sipping her tea again, “T’challa goes first!”

“Since Jin asked me first, hes going to meet my parents first then after i’m going to meet his.” Kitty nodded looking at me.

“I decided to meet Hobi’s parents first, start off easy.” I said and looked at you “ we still have to figure out the schedule with mom and dad.”

“Oh I know” You sighed just wanting to sleep at this point.”

[captusmomentum]

@selenelavellan​ 

(Hitting these all at once and out of order bc it’s easier hope you don’t mind)

#(Also what are Inans pronouns is it they/them?) 

first off Inan’s pronouns are They/Their or She/Her! I bounce a lot between the two bc both I do it while referring to myself and I’m using that as a template for them but I’ve been trying to use ‘they’ more so it’s easier to catch on w/o all the backtracking thru the blog to see where it’s been mentioned earlier. Inanallas vacillates between agender and demigirl for a lot of their life until they just end up mainly agender as an old fucker. 

#...it occurs to me that anytime Selene and Dirthamen are both hanging around Inan this problem will only get worse #the two of them are over 6 foot (probably not yet at least) and Inan is like my size #GL Inan at least you have friends who can get things off of high surfaces for you now

The best part of that is in my and @mitsurugireiji​‘s joint Clan Lavellan from Hell they’re all fucking Tall dark skinned Adonises primarily and Inan is this fucking short ass pale fucker from Clan Anurlal from the Anderfels so she’s already fucking SURROUNDED by giants to start with then just adds on more when she meets them. When all her siblings graduate Dirth and Selene being giants will be super helpful since she can’t make her sibs grab stuff for her anymore and she’s already been in detention for climbing the bookshelves 4 times so.

#I love Dirthamen having a friend in this AU also Yessss!!!! #I mean he's friends with Vena and the group once Selene's not like 'ur all fucking traitors' of course but still

No I Get what you mean. It’s like the difference between a friend you made all on your own and the ones you made via another friend. they’re all still your friends regardless but they’re a little different, especially because the others a more established friend group while Dirth and Inan have been rogue agents for a long ass time. It’s Special for both of them that they manage to make a friend all on their own just because they like each other’s personality. 

And lbr I Doubt anyone in that group is as fucking WEIRD and SPOOKY as they are and could handle those high levels of eccentric w/o a break. It’s nice to have that One Friend who’s as hardcore on something as you are so you never have to worry about missing each other’s marks. Plus they’re both basically ravengoths sooooo

#Falon'dins breaking bones yes good A+++ I think that one should be canon at some point 

I’d meant him breaking someone’s bones but.......let’s Ignore..... That......... B)

#BreakFalonDinsBones2k17

#I'm also dying at the Actual Criminals #Liike they do awful shit but its not Awful shit its like contraband and stuff #I'm imagining Selene going to them for like mechanical pencils like 'u got the goods??' and they're like 'hell yeah'#and they just sell muggle shit that Hogwarts doesnt use for aesthetic purposes but Selene is like #'hell YEAH not having to dip a quill is gonna make me way more efficient at studying than Dirthamen' #but the joke is on her because Dirthamens definitely got like a Stash of muggle stuff under his bed #Some of it is useful some of it he's just genuinely curious about #all of it he has been overcharged for #$10 per mechanical pencil for him #$20 for Falon'din though if he ever bothered

Tenna becomes a Legit Wizard Mobster after school but during is mostly just aiding and abetting the minor smuggling ring, along with some gambling and minor shake downs. She’s basically the opposite of Falon’Din, she’s willing to hurt people or let them be hurt but it’s sadistic about it. She’s mainly about the gathering of power and a strong stable organization. She’s ruthless af but very Reasonable and willing to talk things out and makes a Point of being regarded a pleasant person. Samahllen is more of a red jenny type, mostly low level things but is also very good with gathering info and getting sketchy shit done. It’s generally hard to see the logic to why she does most things and her honesty is Questionable but she’s a generally nice person. OFC they sell all the Choicest muggle shit, they have everything from notecards to mars bars. Sam gives them a discount once they’re friends w/ Inan, not a big one but Hey.

I imagine there’s a Panic when Tenna and Sam are slated to graduate bc where are we gotta get the goods now???????? But it all works out bc they have minions still on the inside to hussle and Sam uses Inan as a patsy to smuggle some of the product in. She’s a Good Sister like that. It’s probably when Inanallas is going thru their trunk and pull out a shady package Sam snuck in there that Selene’s like ‘... right your sister is a Legit Criminal kinda huh...’ 

God the idea of Dirthamen all excited over a spiral notebook is ADORABLE. And you know they hook Selene up with the dopest fucking cutest pencils, gel pens and stationary and shit. Dirth sees her using glitter gel pens to help organize her notes (which she is rewriting from her classnotes so they’re even nerdier and more thorough) and he gasps lightly in awe. Her notes are so informative and pretty! Truly she is a master. 

#I'm making this Canon CONGRATS #I love this so much #and ALSO #this means when Ravenclaw plays against Slytherin Inan and Falon'din are both on the field actively trying to beat the shit out of eachother #for an audience even #Dirthamen is Conflicted (tm) but Selene is just like 'We're rooting for Inan dont even worry about it'#any further arguments he makes Selene is like 'listen Inan is in our house so we should root for them over your brother thats just sports' #But she roots particularly loudly everytime Falon'din takes a ball to the face

GOOD LORD. IDK IF SHOULD BE HAPPY OR TERRIFIED. Inan on a broom fending off EVIL DEATH BALLS sounds like their Actual Nightmare. I imagine the first couple of practices are just [INAN SCREAMING w/ Vena laughing in the bg] then they’d get over themselves enough to remember they have been trained by a lifetime of sibling brutality to not give a Single Fuck and suddenly it’s super scary to watch. Inanallas is the first to forget that they’re inhumanly BUFF and can like, actually fight really well (Thanks Thenvas!). Inan has REALLY BAD AIM THO SO I’M CONCERNED ABOUT THEM BEING A BEATER. Tho I guess that means a lot of hitting at the closest available target. Can you grab a bludger and travel with it? They’d do that. Special delivery for Falon’Din [SLAMS IT INTO HIS CHEST FULL FORCE]

Selene and Inan are united in their Hate of Falon’Din. gtfo bonefucker dirth is her shitty brother now and he’s gotta make kissy faces at selene no more bullshit from you. I imagine at some point down the line it gets really ugly and devolves into physical fights and shit, probably something similar to the snape-sirius feud. god dirth would be So Distraught.

Tace sprinting over and holding Falon’Din in a lock while Selene and Inan wail on him #goals

#hogwarts au #GOD SO MUCH #but i wanted to talk about the Things Oop #and the adhd meds have worn off so order???? what's that????? #i need to think more about how Tace and Remembrance fit in here #Tace is definitely like the no1 anti-falon'din in slytherin and shit talks him to his face almost daily #and gets the shit beat out of him for it daily #Tace is a salty bitter little fucker and he gets ENDLESS JOY from making falon look like a complete fuckwit #even if he ends up in the hospital wing after

[tesscsanders-blog]

No Need

FREE WRITE AT DAWN IMAGINE A TWITTER PAGE KEPT BY GOD  THERE IS NO NEEED

God is without the kind of communication

that requires it. God’s voice is automatic and omnipresent it is rich truth below the other waves of sound. my gratitude is true. My aim is true and my high power is leading me where I am meant to go. I have known the difficulty of stringing words together.

How screenshots tell stories

How I search for TRAUMA

seek to define PORTENT

How the Lord is my light and my help, so whom shall I fear? How I get up and say “I’m ready”

I find proof and reminders of gratitude. I find encouragement humble and stoned. I find typos in wedding vows. Is this interesting content? Yes, Tess yes yes it is very interesting.

You are so beautiful.

HE WANTS ME TO SAY IT  remember the sun inside of me in Danville

I will have that sun again flowing up my vagina, that orgasm. The cellulite kissing dawn I saw the sun rise once and I lived to tell the tale  At the tail end is this exquisite dropping in,

how cool

the internet, how lucky, the living!

How blessed is my maker whom Phaedra prays for, too. The extent of my freedom is the extent to which I am willing to be not understood

Not understood  when I am not legible what happens?

This wrenching this wretched second-guessing and third helpings;  I have

belabored the metaphors of grief buffets

pretty sure I coined the term

grief buffet

is it a term of art?

a new business franchise?

People are ready for that kind of honesty, honestly, they are, even if they do not know it intellectually yet…. it’s all Grace, but especially the unbecoming

Am I doing this right? Yes. Less less less less more more more more more gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme some of that green sugar stuff it in there mmm mmmm ooohhh ohhhh deeper harder faster slower oh yeah just like that that’s right deeper this orgasm will save humanity this orgasm will right all of the wrongs mmmmm uhhhuh that’s the spot the redemption of all human kind right there, yup yeah yum yes that

In truth, the disgust is close to the surface. I am proud of who I am. Voice quaking like Tracy Chapman’s in the live recording of DONT GIVE UP with weird old Peter Gabriel

voice shaking

I think my friends are people. It scares me. I know my friends are human, it terrifies me.

Who are they? I have no idea! Humans as they are, they are foreign all the way. More alien than Foreigner mixed up in my psyche like the Greeks at the crux of breaking all of this up, are we? Once and for all

a free write to end all grief?

no thank you!

I know about waves and wires and tunnels and pummeling pummeling pummeling until I’m clenched in the womb. It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s my pain, it’s my loss, my potential my light to shine  BE KIND REWIND in my opinion not such a good film

when I realized ariana was following franky o the path of less resistance all-capsing the names of poems instead of italicizing

interrupting my flow state to call my sibling my unconscious mind wants their approval so bad wants simultaneously to dishonor their identity shout from the rooftops this isn’t about you sis this ain’t about you cuz it’s about me it’s about meeeee meeeee meeeee meeeeeeeee the way i am deep down convinced some nonbinary people are just flexing egos controversy the give and take of corn flakes replete i am afraid of that content i might delete THAT content

for sure deep sea fishing with sharks i’ve never been how imagination is procrastination a rose by any other name etc

My soul is thirsting for the living God; when shall I see him face to face?

a need greater than water a truth deeper than phishing a spam harder than rock He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

i’m afraid of hurt feelings hurting feelings causing pain no you’re not, Tess, you have torn up too much to open Photo Booth now. don’t you dare do it. God

grant me the serenity

Once I tell God I won’t do something, I usually don’t do it. exit clause escape routes

pretty sure I didn’t coin the phrase escape valve and that it is a term of art, like the

wind carrier in tommy boy

i mean the

mail shoot

in tommy boy

the wind that blows his boat in the last scene

or is it the

pen

ultimate

scene

wherein tommy is on the water (shit i am gonna cry ) talking to his dad “I could use a little help”

son of a

that’s gonna leave a mark    

i want to leave

a mark            we all do

so badly so needily our fingers

pressed in every ink stamp the well has run so dry and then

though, all of these people i want to be are menstruating while i am not how hungry i am for my own blood  the manifestation of shakti who drinks from her own blood stream

opens her whole head up

this free write will not ‘save’ the world

this free write may even induce carpal tunnel

but i won’t be alone for it

SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC

we’re all so sick

so sick and so sick of the latest and worst and sick of being sick and tired  

la la la

it’s funny, not haha but haha

okay

sure

the way my mind chases its tail around i find myself sitting where i’ve been

cozying up to a mug from SEA WORLD

i have never been

the name elizabeth printed on it

I believe in the Resurrection. i can’t explain it to you and I don’t want to. I believe in the visitation of the angel Gabriel to Mary and I want so badly to be understood by one poet in particular. these minds these minds these minds  to whom I want to prostrate myself

SEE ME SEE ME PLEASE

It is enough, it is finished, I see you, Tessa I see you i see you baby i see you i see you you’re brilliant you are making so much sense you are making so much sense you don’t have to worry about publishing truths or falsehoods because that isn’t what you’re talking about here i relieve you this noose   | lifted |

this is not about political correctness an invention you hate and this is not about bigotry either because we both know you are not a bigot in any direction by any stretch

stretch

stretch

stretch mark of the imagination

cellulite dream we could be heros  just for one day

the need to justify when i said ego flex i meant

how precious our personhood is. when i am high and think only of how, deep down,

my pronouns are

she her he him his

how language  is nothing but everything  bang bang saxophone solo how your mind reading this does a different thing altogether how i bought a blanket 100% acrylic made in Ecuador how what other people think of me

nun of my business

none of my business that’s why I can’t let the right hand know what the left is doing. When I catch on is when the tail snakes back around

how i

felt like

Jessica was passing the torch of menses to me

how much shedding how much shedding

the baby voice,

sweet blessed infantilization of my poor old soul !!!!

{i mean it, Tess, you are flawed if you’re not free. oops that sunk in wrong i don’t blame you, jenny lewis

cat power I DONT BLAME YOU  my ex’s penis is still the sweetest penis that ever played inside my vagina}                                  alone together  a hashtag to build a dream on   give me a hashtag to build a dream on        i miss you God

not for sentimental reasons

but because being ripped from you is too easy to mistake for the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God

in other words, tracing my entrance back to your absence is not the work of my life is not the meat of being but it is easy to make the mistake of seeing the hole as the center when at the center is the Life itself

come on rude boy boy boy is you big enough

come on rude boy boy boy is you big enough

just now  already I nearly broke the no Photo Booth promise funny how quickly that happens EH

EH?

canadian bacon is a john candy film i have never seen    my adverbs of choice

holy

go

lightly

mmmmmm sweet sweet boredom the fear of ending is about the fear of dying? no, that’s not quite it. about the fear of being alone? yes! that’s it, that’s it.  traces back to the fundamental fallacy of Godlessness

of being separate it’s the whole platonic two halves bit

to have and to hold, till death do us part that’s the

traaaa   la la laaa laaaaaa

how can i trust myself without hyperlinks?

don’t let me be understood, God. just for today, grant me the serenity. Don’t let this be understood. Yes, I’m your angel. Yes, the reader does not need to know you’re thinking of a yoko ono song, that you’re worried about not attributing due credit to rihanna, that you have not looked at kim kardashian’s instagram since the

“pandemic”

“began” but that she showed up in your dream last night and that your sibling ‘got into’ with her, lightly, casually, cooly, wearing denim — my sibling was leaning in close to kim kardashian

AND SHE WAS

the tail of my mind is snaking back to ordinary complaints like

WHERE THE HECK ARE MY MISSING ALBUMS

1999

and

LITTLE CREATURES

they’re my favorite and they’re gone gone gone

how much of a new revelation

Janet Jackson’s song any time any place is to me

How inconsistency is at the heart of

not giving too many hoots

in certain contexts how meaning is relative how language is everything

nothing

how Jesus spoke in parables and contradictions how I never liked puzzles  literal ones    but how I walk around like I alone am meant to be solving the deepest puzzle of all

Reconciling myself back to the Source, i mean, to God Godself how a proliferation of healers come out of the woodwork into the email inbox offering discounts during this crisis and

who

am

I to judge?

There is one thing I ask of the Lord,

for this I long,

to live in the house of the Lord,

all the days of my life.

am i his temple? yes, no, maybe so, dawning on me is dish soap   sweet like the night inside

like the beginning of doing nothing

remaining alive. remaining human.

DONT JUST DO SOMETHING

SIT THERE

friends, i am still overwhelmed by your humanity. i find it so threatening, i can’t even begin to tell you. i don’t mean your mortality, moreso the fact that you’re just as deep

just as pulsing

just as curious just as in possession of some heart (human or not; shoutout to my girl elena with a porcine pulmonary valve) as i am

what that amounts is not fear of being not unique but rather that  the belonging we are called to is such a tall order such a tall order such a tall order  drive through window on foot people like memes

the readers in 3408 are like,

what’s a meme?

who can say if they will ‘google’ it?

I doubt the empire will rage that long …. the Empires on adderal the Empire fucking all millennia long on HARDON shoot i  am

not even trying

to be funny i can’t think of the name of that erection drug

i swear all that keeps coming up is PROZAC

leave it in the comments below, what’s that ED drug?  all my life

[hcpeek]

Dear Grandpa

These letters were written as a small tribute to the author’s late grandfather, a wonderful man beloved by his family.

March 25

Dear Grandpa,

How have you been? I know it’s still cold out (make sure you bundle up for your afternoon walk!), but I’m sure spring is on the way. I know you and Grandma love the cherry blossoms in particular around this time of year.

But the snow has its charms, doesn’t it? I remember how, when I was small, you used to point out the snowflakes to me as they floated down onto the window pane. Then the delicate little crystals would melt away into blobs of water and I’d get upset, so you would tell me, “Don’t worry, look how many more there are,” to which I would stubbornly respond, “But they’re not the same!” “Ah, yes, that’s right,” you’d say with a thoughtful nod, “but this water will one day fall as snow again, just as all living things are reborn after returning to the earth.”

Yes, I totally agree. But did you seriously think that kind of philosophy would get through to a distraught five-year-old? Well, all’s well that ends well, since you’d give me hot cocoa to shut me up afterward.

And all six of us cousins would play in the snow together - when did we stop doing that? It’s been so long. Aunt Susan and Uncle David had you watch us in the yard as we threw snowballs around and tackled each other in the huge piles of snow shoveled off to the side of the driveway. It was fun back then, when we were all carefree children. Suddenly, half of us became full-time college students living on-campus, and the other half graduated into working adults actively contributing to society. Time really flies!

Speaking of college, I’m sure you’re wondering how my first semester went. Don’t tell Mom and Dad, but the best part was living away from home. Freedom from tyranny! Going out whenever I felt like it, meeting new people left and right - finally, a real social life! Oh, don’t worry, I spent plenty of time bonding with my textbooks, too. You know me, Grandpa. I’ve always been a model student!

Lots of love,

Jenny

May 09

Dear Grandpa,

I told you the weather would warm up soon! Global warming sure is something.

Not much to report on my end for now. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and the motorcyclists have come out of hibernation. Oh yes, and the cherry blossom trees around here are in full bloom.

Do you like the flowers Ryan brought you? He says he picked out red lilies, claiming they’re your favorites, but you and I both know those are really Mom’s favorites. I can’t believe he got it mixed up! I hope you don’t mind. My brother’s a bit absent-minded, but he’s always thinking about the family. We all are, as you know.

Every time I remember the story about how you and Grandma came over to America, I feel so lucky to have been born here. It’s the kind of story that makes you warm inside. Poor immigrants from Hong Kong with no money, but an endless supply of grit and more tenacity than the cockroaches in your Chinatown apartment - true American Dreamers! Now, everyone is living comfortably here in the suburbs of New Jersey and in want of absolutely nothing (except maybe a slightly higher GPA, for some of us).

Grandpa, you’ll always be a role model for our family. I am beyond proud to be your granddaughter, and I hope it would make you happy to hear that you are my hero.

Love and hugs,

Jenny

June 12

Dear Grandpa,

Did Matt tell you the big news? He’s…getting married this summer! Finally, after nearly three decades of bachelorhood! I’m so excited - the family is growing! Maybe soon I’ll be an aunt (or a second cousin or a something-or-other removed? Not sure how that works), and you’ll be promoted to great grandpa! Not that you weren’t already great, of course.

The only problem is that I can’t make it to the wedding. So frustrating! O, Life, why must you be so cruel?!

I’m just kidding. It’s alright, I’m sure they’ll take plenty of photos.

I think my earliest memory is of being a flower girl at Aunt Grace’s wedding. I was three or four years old then and already a troublemaker! Someone handed me a pink helium balloon, and, as you might have guessed, I accidentally let it go floating up into oblivion. So because I refused to stop crying, Uncle Richard, the poor groom, had to run around looking for another one before the ceremony. At least we laughed about it during the years after that. Maybe one of the unofficial requirements for joining our family should be a good sense of humor. Come to think of it, I wonder what kind of flower petals I scattered down the aisle - cherry blossom, perhaps?

I know I just said I was excited about the family getting some new members, but sometimes I’m afraid it’ll become too large to operate as a single unit. We always went on vacations together in a huge group, whether it was a day trip to the beach or the long drive up to Canada or down to Florida, or even the flight to China. When we went out for dim sum on the weekends, everyone managed to squeeze into a large round table, shoulder-to-shoulder. But if there are too many relatives, how could everyone possibly coordinate with each other? Will everyone keep in touch? Won’t the family branch out and split apart, like the cracks in a weathered vase?

I’m sorry, this isn’t the most pleasant topic, but lately I’ve had quite a bit of time to think. The thoughts go round and round in my head, and I have no one I can share them with. Grandpa, I’m glad I can at least write to you like this.

With love,

Jenny

July 16

Dear Grandpa,

Ack, it’s summer. The season of sweat and mosquitoes, internships and part-time jobs. I’ve got nothing planned right now, but Liam’s lifeguarding again this year, and Ryan is interning someplace I’ve never heard of. Summer really makes me appreciate modern conveniences like air conditioning and freezers that let you store ice cream in the midst of sweltering heat.

On the bright side, it’s almost my birthday! I’ll be 19 years old. Two more years until legal drinking age and a horizontal driver’s license! Not that I’d be any good at making use of either of those privileges. I scare people when I drive. Dad can testify to that. As for alcohol, I don’t think I’d like the taste. But these things are another step toward adulthood!

It’s so hot that the daisies someone planted here are wilting. What a shame. This is why flowering trees are nice: you know they’ll bloom again and again, year after year.

Hey, Grandpa, let’s see the cherry blossoms together with everyone next spring. At least, with anyone who can come. They’re all too busy for these kinds of “frivolous” activities.

Or so I say, but I used to be like that too. I was always brushing off friends to go study or work on college applications. By the time graduation rolled around, I found myself alone in a sea of celebrating, laughing faces, yet none of them were directed toward me.

How foolish I was back then!

I bet you’d say something about how friends are important in getting through life, that they’ll be there for support in hard times. Now I wish that I hadn’t been so self-centered, that I had reached out to more people and let them reach out to me while I had the chance. Well, it’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

Love and best wishes,

Jenny

September 27

Dear Grandpa,

Autumn is the most beautiful time of year, in my humble opinion. The fiery colors of the leaves - aren’t they breathtaking? I feel inspired to go and do something.

Remember how we’d all rake the leaves in your yard together? It was hard work, but it was fun with everyone pitching in. Oh, and then Mom wouldn’t let us jump in the leaf piles because there were probably all kinds of bugs in there. Gotta love Mom.

Why do we rake away the leaves, but allow the cherry blossoms to remain where they’ve fallen? Is it because they’re flowers? Even they will eventually lose their lovely color and rot away into the ground.

Grandpa, I’m sure we all miss those days, but no amount of wishing will ever return things to how they once were. It won’t bring anyone back.

Love,

Jenny

November 03

Dear Grandpa,

You know, it’s been quite a while now, so I wish everyone would smile as often as they used to. I’m sure you’d agree. You’d probably say that all lives come to an end, and that someday we’ll be reborn as the wild plants that sprout up, full of vigor, from the spot where we were laid to rest. Well, I suppose you’d want to be a cherry blossom tree. It’s fitting - strong, wise, and proof of a beautiful existence.

Celebrate the life rather than mourn the loss! All stories must have their conclusion.

Yes, it is normal. It is natural. But I still miss you.

Love always,

Jenny

December 18

Dear Grandpa,

The temperature has been dropping recently. It doesn’t bother me so much, but how are you holding up? Dress in layers and drink hot soup! That’s what Grandma used to tell me.

I wonder how everyone is doing. Are they studying? Working? Eating and sleeping properly? Wow, I sound like you - and I’m glad for it. Thank you for all you’ve taught me; thank you for the best eighteen years I could have asked for.

Slowly but surely, the members of our family are moving on with their lives. That’s a good thing. Let’s pray for everyone to live on in happiness and success. I hope the next generation experiences the same love and care that was bestowed upon me and my cousins by all you wonderful parents and grandparents.

Love to all,

Jenny

January 30

Dear Grandpa,

Well. It’s been a full year now since I left you all behind. I miss you from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry, I wish I could’ve stuck around longer. I didn’t want to go. I’m sorry for making everyone so sad - did you know I’ve never seen my brother cry before?

Grandpa, to pass the time I pretend I’m writing these letters, even though no one will ever be able to read them. It makes me feel like I’ll be able to see everyone soon, as though I’m simply away at college and will be home for the holidays.

I still wanted to go on vacations with everyone. I wanted to go out for dim sum. I wanted to rake leaves in the fall and play in the snow in the winter. I wanted to hold my cousins’ children and be called Auntie and just stay with my big, beautiful family for another 80 years.

I wanted to live, surrounded by the people I love more than anything in the world.

What is a single life in the face of unyielding time? Some might say it is insignificant, some might say it is ugly, but I say it is nothing short of extraordinary. To be born into this world with a beating heart and to shine as brightly as you can with as much time as you are given - what could possibly be more beautiful? It is reflected in the cherry blossoms so dear in our memories: transient in their beauty and beautiful in their transience.

And what would you say, Grandpa, in a situation like this? “Don’t cry, Jenny. We’ll all be together again before you know it.” All right, Grandpa, if you say so. Take your time in coming, but when you get here, tell me all about everything I’ve missed.

And then we’ll wait, for all eternity, for our family.

Love till the end of the world,

Jenny

~ Anonymous (’21, HC)

#Written Word #submission

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An Open Letter To Laundry: Youre Ruining My Life

Doing laundry is my all time favorite thing in the whole wide world (said no mom of a family of all boys, ever). Honestly, I would rather eat a fried rat and a side of snails. Seriously.

To you moms of little babies and toddlers, just wait. The clothes piles get bigger and sweatier and weirder as they get older. Some days it smells like an Axe Body Spray factory and other days its a cross between an NFL locker room at half-time and a pig farm after a monsoon. All equally gross and ratchet.

Its not just the laundry room. Its the back seat of the boys’ trucks, the bedroom, the bathroom and I even find dirty clothes mixed in with the clean clothes. Big Daddy (that would be my husband) often gets in the truck and says it smells weird. But does he investigate? Nope. Not until he cant stand it anymore then he starts searching.

Hes found clothes that the boys havent worn in years, protein shake bottles (you wanna smell something that will make you hurl on the spot? A protein shake bottle that has been closed up for a few days will do just that) food wrappers etc. Then it all comes inside. My. House. I started throwing away Tupperware containers and shake bottles if I cant identify whats in them or how long theyve been sitting. Its just not worth me throwing up.

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The clothes go straight to the laundry room, where I spend 50 percent of my afternoons. I bet I do at least five to six loads a day. And one of my kids doesnt even live at home anymore!

Does Big Daddy help? You bet he does. He knows its one way to keep me from killing his offspring. Do you have to do your own laundry in prison? Something to think about.

Back to laundry: Once I finish all the loads and fold them and place them on the steps to go upstairs to the appropriate rooms, guess what happens? Some clothes make it to the right rooms, some disappear and others re-appear disguised as more dirty laundry! Yep, sometimes the ghosts that live in my house think its easier to send clean clothes back down to the laundry rather than put them away. Anybody else have this dilemma?

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Then, the other child comes to visit. I must say he does his own laundry at college, but when hes home, his clothes get mixed with the other childs clothes. So, for 30 percent of the week I hear, Mom, where is my shirt? or where are my shorts, jacket, socks! I guess they traveled to college. Those missing clothes might or might not ever come home again.

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Then there are the mystery clothes. One girls sock, an extra small t-shirt (my kids are large/extra-large), PE uniforms from a school my kids dont even go to and sweatshirts that Im pretty sure my kids wouldnt be caught dead wearing.

Is there a city-wide lost and found? You know those lost pet posters around the neighborhood? Im thinking of doing that with the mystery clothes, Lost Girls Sock found-Call Jenny at 867-5309. Reminds me of an 80s song

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Then there are the days I cant even. I will wash a load, fix dinner, and then return to find the washed load sat too long so I re-wash. Shut-up, you know you do it too. Just like you also keep turning the dryer on because you want the wrinkles to go away from sitting in the dryer for too long, too. Dont even judge me. I wouldnt know an iron or ironing board if it slapped me on the butt and called me Sally.

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Now, lets get to the good part. Any money found in pockets is mine. Notes, candy (before washing) or jewelry. Mine. Thats better than finding Chapstick after the dryer or gum.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean a dryer with gum everywhere? The last time that happened I spent 20 minutes googling how to clean gum from a dryer while drinking the last scoop of frozen margarita from the Wal-Mart Bucket-O-Margaritas in the freezer. That was a very bleak day.

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So moms of little ones, there is no hope for a brighter future as far as laundry is concerned. Girls can be just as bad (heard that from a friend). You can say you love doing laundry but that makes you a big fat liar. We cant be friends if you actually like doing the laundry. I bet you like grocery shopping, too.

Gotta run friends. I have the never ending laundry to do…

Fore more from Missy Farrow visit her blog Midlife Margaritasor her Facebook page and don’t forget toSHARE!

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