#its just hard its really hard and all i ever hear is itll get better eventually but i need it to be better now

[plaguethewaters]

@thetiredyuk i am having more Thoughts about that one - ranboo is the sone of death beeduo au. I was about to just send you an ask but also this is almost 2k words so it may be better off as a post lmfao

So like. bullet points time, this is an approximate summary of what i think the Plot would be like - wordbuilding aside

(Temporary mcd, suicide warning)

Year like, 1500 something (to be more well researched but i do want it to be like. something something renaissance. it works) we've got two poor ass kids born of the same year. Except tommy is pretty much a normal guy, liked by his family and such. His parents have enough children they can gamble for at least one to be successfull, so they send him to be a painter's apprentice in the hope he'll make some kind of money. There, in the slighter bigger town thats almost a city but not quite, he meets tubbo. Now Tubbo would have been a normal guy, except he was born with facial deformities so now everyone thinks he's a demonic freak hated by the gods (this renaissance world is politheistic bc kristin needs to be there and also i wil not do christianity if i dont have to lmao.)

Tommy is not intimidated by any gods. obviously. also his dad is really into the goddess of death and he prays enough for both of them, so he's like. protected and shite. And he immidiately hits it off with the cursed boy

surprise hes not actually cursed but people are dicks anyways. Tommy makes him a fancy mask to cover his face - even thought its totally cool as shit, but its cool enough only tommy should ever get to see it - and that eventually does help him. Because tubbo wasnt like, a shit guy. Hes a damn good builder and knows how to read, which are talents big enough that the costruction workers for that church out of town are ready to ignore the whole probably cursed thing. As long as he as the masks.

Tommy: makes him the first genuine gift hes ever received in fifteen years of life Tubbo: never takes it off again. like never Tommy: shocked pikachu face

anyways so tommy dies like. super young. They have their fun for a few years but at like seventeen tommy is called to be the artist for this very fancy duke of the town over - and at the start they'r super happy bc that means Money and Food and Roof over your head and shite. its a very good fucking deal.

except the noble is a bastard. His town revolts against him, and when they storm the castle they aren't exactly asking names or faces: tommy gets immidiately like, super destroyed by the crowd, and dies a few minutes later.

Tubbo hears of this like five months later bc its the fifteen hunderds and hes poor.

He does Not take it very well ngl

He goes a bit murdery - basically hes like "im not living without tommy, might as well burn down a village while im at it right, right."

Now ranboo, in all of this, freshly the equivalent of seventeen for an immortal death being, is starting on their training to actually become death- His mom send him on a quaint little village in europe thinking "hey, the most those guys die of is like. malaria. consumption maybe. itll be easy as hell"

And now like two hundred different souls are around him with FIRE written on their foreheads and Ranboo feels distinctly outside of his range, to be really honest.

he steps a couple ethereak planes down just to see what the heck is the matter - if this is another of those voide beings his mom will be Super Pissed and they want to see that reaction

And it isnt the void people

Instead, in front of their eyes, the singular most beautiful person hes ever seen - and hes seen lots, in this line of work.

He cant see their face, but their actions speak enough. The sheer rage, the almost dance like movement of their body perfectly framed by the light of their torch, seeing no humanity or mercy in whatever their searching for. their hair look angelic in its softness, burnt by the worst flames of hell and yet tended by the same hands who wield it - strong hands, clearly forged by hard work and dedication. This is a guy who has nothing to lose, and there's little Death loves most than someone who doesnt fear it.

He has to go down, has to speak to them immidiately.

So he does.

There's really no time - his mom had given the singular rule not to interact with humans, shell be on them in Seconds- but one question can be asked in the haste: "What brings a mortal to do this?"

"It's all for you, love!" the mortal says. They also say some other things, after, but Ranboo is not very well versed in the human tongue and they are speaking Very Loudly.

(Tubbo actually said "Fuck you, you motherfucker it's Your Fault, you took every single thing i love". Easy mistake, if one thinks about it.)

Their mom is Pretty Pissed but she does undesrtand stupid things done for young love. So she's like "eh, ive loved mortals too. go have fun" and everything

Except a year passes, and ranboo still hasnt even spoken to the guy, and she remembers suddenly Mortality Exists.

Shes never had them take a soul who died naturally - for lack of occasion, mostly - and they may have been. a tad sheltered. They most definitely do Not know what death actually is like for humans, nor how long does it take for them to die

she wonders if it would be a tad overprotective to take this over for them

she thinks about seventy years in the future, at most, when the boy dies. She thinks that her son cannot cry but can definitely cry. she thinks of their screams of sadness ringing through her ears-

Tubbo wakes up in the river, alive.

He did not Intend to be alive, and it's actually quite unfortunate for him to be so.The survivors are quite angry and probably close to him, now. Welp, no way to die is reallt any worse than another, he thinks. Ill just wait here for them.

When the pitchfork collapses his heart and he continues breathing, he understands something might be a little bit wrong.

And like, a good five hundred years pass like this.

Things Tubbo has learned in his five hundred, twenty three and two halves years on this demon forsaken earth:

Clothes get so much shittier over time. he has One (1) tailored shit from the 1800 and Nothing has even barely compared to it ever since.

getting stabbed does not hurt less just because youre not actually dying. Poisoning is actiively way worse since you're not actually dying. Diving off cliffs is Not Fun. In general, try not to do dying things even if youre immortal

theres a hole in his heart where his loved ones were and it will never get filled

Food gets esponentially better over time. Lord bless whoever decided curry should go on chicken because they were Cooking For Real. Chocolate was still better before though.

Working for soulles bosses has not changed At All in all of this time tho.

he works at mcdonalds because no college would accept his non existant resume, and being immortal dosent deprive him of his needs unfortunately. The manager took one look at this kid dressed from like three different centuries with a goat mask on his head and was like. why not. at least youre not a stoner and you know how to read.

His coworkers firmly believe hes a criptid and have a full going investigation to prove it. The highest bet at fifty dollars says hes mothman in disguise, there to eat the fliest that live on their shitty food. The lowest bets hes an angel waiting for the right time to brign down armageddon.

Every night he goes in the woods to an almost forgotten Death altar and he prays. Half of his prayers consist of insults and the other half are pleas for her to fucking kill him already

This does not help the criptid chronicles

Kristin also has like. only so much patience. Hes holding up the prayers line - which is actually still pretty fucking used in central asia - and hes generally annoying as shit.

She takes ranboo by the scruff, gives them a passable human form, and throws them down there. Get your shit together boy youre like a thousand years old. Get your man (to stop fucking with the phoneline)

Ranboo is Not Enthusiastic about this but cmon. Hes death. How hard can working at a mac really be?

Spoiler it is

Spoiler it does Not matter, because awkwardness aside ranboo is funny, and easy to talk to, and compassionate and caring. He doesnt want to kill tubbo, he doesnt look at him like hes a fictional creature (and yes marcie, hes seen the bet table), he isnt his soulless boss. Tubbo is grieving but he also very desperstely wants a friend.

One day someone stops at his shitty apartment at like three am

Ranboo stands in fron of his door drenched from head to toe, holding the possibly smallest kitten tubbo has ever seen in his Life. Hes miserable but the cat is miracoulously dry, screaming their head off - and ranboo is panicking. Are they okay are they dying? Do you have any food i dont know what he eats but its so small and i didnt know where else to go- please i dont want it to die or something and-

The moon shines on their long, wet hair and their stupid fucking suit is as wrinkled as ever. They look like they desperately want to rub their hands against each other but there is a kitten in the way and it probably makes them even more anxious - theres very little messes bigger than him, right now.

Tubbo falls in love.

They heal the kitten and keep enderchest in their now shared apartment.

They grow closer, and closer, and something is forming. Ranboo is aware a relationship cannot be based on lies, as much as it worries him how tubbo will react.

so he prepares like a romantic ass evening

roses and candles and a nice dinner with a fancy wine

tubbo almost gets flustered

except at the end of the night the confession isnt "i love you" but "im the guy who took away your only ffamily".

and he sees Red.

Ranboo doesnt remember what tubbo screamed, not exactly. He remembers grief, and crying, and feeling worse than he ever believed he could. He remembers the endless guilt sitting in his chest, and the slam of a door - maybe from the inside out. Hes definitely outside, now, and the house ifìs far away enough eh cant see it, but that could also be the tears.

His mother finds him crouched in a patch of grass, tears steaming down their cheeks in a constant flow. Shes not aware if they'd returned to death form to feel safer, or because they believed they deserved the burn. Shes not sure what option makes her feel worse.

shes aware that this is. pretty much her fault

TO HER DEFENSE she was not really aware humans were so touchy about death. The souls she reaps arent very talkative and the guy shes with is chill about it so like. maybe this one is weird

(the guy she's with is Phil, whos Decidly not a human but has also decided not to tell her yet. For the bit, yknow? He's been a live a couple thousand years, it would be awkward to drop it now. He's also somewhat a serial killer and Not Normal about death At All)

BUt this is still here fault and she does have to set it right a little bit

So she summons Tubbo to her persnoal room in the palace and goes like. "oi. why r u so mad little guy"

And hes like: you took away the single person whos ever loved me ever

"Wait that's the only problem?"

"What the fuck else would it be"

"thought u were mad at him cause he lied lol"

"LYING IS NOT WORSE THAN KILLING A GUY"

Anyways Kristen is so relieved rn. She thought tubbo was phisically like, repulsed by the concept of death and all, and he was mad that Ranboo lied to him and all. Which he is, but the rage is so so much less than the grief yknoe. And she knows how to fix it if its just one (1) measly soul

Tommy is so fucking confused

Th modern world is full of sounds and weird textures and the food is fucking fantastic but also Too Much, and Tubbo introduced him to this weird ass potion hed called a bong and now hes seeing gods the likes of which had never been discoveres

Over all hes just happy to be alive and with his best friend

He kinda hates ranboo. The fucker threw a scyte at him for no reason when tommy would have Almost Certainly survived because he is simply That Cool. Ranboo didn't believe in his awesomeness enough and is thus a Bitch

Tubbo is. iffy

He cant deny he has a teensy tiny crush now, because hes far too deep in this for that

But also ranboo did like. lie straight to his face

but also tubbo would Not have believed him if a random guy showed up at three am at a mcdonalds saying they were the child of death

and he Did trust that what he saw in ranboo was real, betrayal aside. No one fakes looking That much like a wet cat

so it does take a while. couple years in fact, to get back at the level of trust they had before (inster a cool anime montage where they have lots of fun together as roommates and cats coparents and all)

One night when they are - not back together, because they hadnt been dating before, but back to that almost definitely dating just not officialized stage- ranboo asks him if would ever want to be mortal again.

And tubbo thinks of it. His time on earth had been so plagued by grief hed never really ecperienced anything it had to offer. Hed never seen the sights or did anything at all besides praying for death, and thats kind of a shitty way to pass five hundred years

'But tubbo what about your humanity? wouldnt it be irrevocabily lost by giving awau something so fundamentally human as death" someone would ask. And tubbo would anser "ehh who cares"

He hasnt been fully human since hes burned that whole village down, anyway. And he likes the benefits of this life more than whateer moral superiority a Normal human would have over him

just-

"and tommy too, obviously. I get the feeling you dont like him dead" Ranboo jokes.

There's no decision at all then. Fuck yeah, immortal boyfriend and immortal brother what more could a fucker want.

They get to cause chaos on earth and probably kill a bunch of rich people for a long long time

the end :)

Im like. very tentatively calling this Deathless Death, in the vane hope that i will write something for this better thant bullet points. But for now bullet points it is

#beeduo #cbeeduo #ctubbo #cranboo #ctommy #dsmp fanfiction #dsmp fanfic #this is the longest thing ive written in Months #plague writes

[lowlaif]

Konpeito

never seen a star up close.

kinda wanna eat one.

and no, not one of those starlets hanging out in ridiculously overpriced LA villas - now finally available in "sustainable" minus an ecological footprint rivaling the size of their range rovers. the owner will fly in from two towns over so they get there early for their yearly yacht trip and ill activate adblock so palantir cant pester me with 50-euro airline ads to the maldives because shit, money is going to be a bit tight this month

i want to eat a star. actual heaps of gas and space dust and heat and whatdoiknow, im not a scientist, id rather not belie my words by googling the exact chemical configuration of something thats just bright and pacifying to me, something thatll melt on my tongue. 'm not even gonna chew. just gonna swallow it. the way i ate chocolate as a kid because relishing in something meant enough time for it to be taken away. the way i drink medicine because - if you gulp it down really quickly, it doesnt have time to taste bitter: anything can be honeyed milk if you clench your teeth hard enough

did you know thats what galaxy means anyway? milk? i wonder what galactical honey would be, then. whether id think its sweet or spicy, whether id like the taste or want to spit it out. if itd go down with well-rounded corners or lodge itself into my throat and stay there. fishbones. i also wonder whether astronauts ever feel scammed when they set foot on the ISS and realize theyre not going to bear witness to a sky made out of sparkling lights and silver threads and golden spots and rainbow clouds but rather just a sea so inky black it's going to make breathing difficult not just by lack of oxygen alone. earths much too reflective for any other luminescent object to be visible to the naked eye, ive been told, hence why youd just be looking at a planet so bright it surely hurts to stare at it, and i wonder what it feels like, being up there and gazing down only to be blinded when youre so used to looking up and squinting?

im homesick thinking of kids drawing earth into the upper right corner of their drawings. i dont actually know if theres stars up there though everybody tells me those pinprick lights are, and i cant breathe when im busy trying to figure out what exact level of depression the stale air around me tastes like. but something in my brain clicks when i think of shiny things and theres no empirical evidence that grabbing the sparkly stuff up above my head wont cure me so i want to, i want to, i want to. wanting always boils down to sinking your teeth into it and ive filed my canines far too often to fear the force of my bite now

people dance on the moon and i mimic their steps in my bedroom and though these are just small steps i dont know the names of the poor sods stuck on the ISS either, even though there's only been like 500 of them and they're all way better at living life than i am. my hands ghost over where i instinctively know the light switches of my flat are and wonder if up there somebody's got a nightlight, cheap plastic stars attached to their ceilings, one of those little projectors that put constellations on your walls. whether they ever have trouble sleeping and if yes, what the hell do they look up at then? who do they cast their wishes to?

never seen a star up close. never held one. but the concept is so familiar, so ingrained into whatever our shared consciousness is made out of, that i want with my molars. i itch to keep it in my tummy so it keeps me warm on the cold days and i only trust what i see so i want to look at it until my retinas burn, until the sound of the big bang echos in the confines of my brain. itll drown out all other unwanted thoughts and itll sing in the genetic make-up of my descendants long after my neighbours cant hear me sing in the shower anymore. ill cup my palms and pray into them. begging is easier when youre in position and im on my knees and i swear ill never run out of things to whisper to the radiant little ember in my hands because it is beautiful and because i like shiny things and because stars have always made us look up at them and

When I finally get my teeth on it and swallow it whole I'm sure a piece of the star will get lodged in my throat like. fishbones. in a last-ditch effort at vengeance. I'll spend the rest of my life attempting to choke it back up.

"I made it with love," I'll say after I finally managed to do so.

"Careful, it's hot."

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poetry #words #musings

[wodnes--coyotl]

the unfortunate news was given that my dad's chemo probably isn't working so he "might" have to do 30 day "isolation chemo" (?) which sounds horrible and scary. I want to visit him then if so... I don't want him to be alone for 30 days. I'm terrified he will be abusive to me.

when my mother died, she couldn't hurt me, even though I was terrified to see her. seeing her helpless body waste away from cancer was traumatizing but also released any fear I ever had of her, even though the memory of her abuse will always live in me.

my dad was not abusive like she was but sometimes i think he is worse for ever enabling her to be around me, ever choosing to "raise" a kid with her, comparatively, she had much less choice in her actions than he did.

i dont know what it means or if it will help. i didnt think these chemo rounds would help... i never thought my dad would get better... but hearing the advancing news doesn't help.

especially after watching someone's long term dying lead to hospice and then death and how irreverently it was handled, in this household (my partner's grandmother).

my dad will lose whatever hair he has left and im sure will look unrecognizable in a way.

whatever anger or apathy i have to combat my sense of obligation that shouldnt even really exist... i feel for him. im scared for him. i dont want him to suffer, and i dont know if it's worth going through.

i dont want to sway his decision, im positive he will die from this either way. i dont want to lose time with him, but ive already lost time. he's had 30 years to fix this and he hasnt...

i dont know if i can physically handle the grief of seeing him this way.

he always sounds livelier over the phone than he is, but... he didn't watch his parents die this way.

i will lose both of my parents to horrible forms of cancer (i mean, they're all horrible). at least Gene froze to death and it shocked everyone and he didn't suffer.

we've been iced in for a week here in p0rtland, and i got money back that i "owed" to unemployment when gene died. it felt like, after 3 years, he was helping me,... of all times to get the money back now... itll help me move out of my in laws... but a horrible thought happened... what if it's because my dad is going to go sooner than we thought?

i cant decide, anyways, and ocd is a bitch.

my back is killing me from days of making music and trying to learn mixing and mastering and animation and editing just for the fuck of it to stay sane, entirely diy.

today i cant focus, anymore... im listening to david bowie and crying alone and listening to my stupid in laws talking in the kitchen. i cant mourn here because this is a house of narcissism and enabling. hell, someone DIED in THEIR family and THEY wont/cant even mourn.

if my dad doesnt take the chemo, he will continue to failingly rely on his weekly (or more) blood transfusions. and eventually, he will die. maybe he will choose that to spare himself, and in a way, i almost wish he would, but i cant say i really wish that, ... i wish he was a better father, i wish he didnt have cancer even if he is 73, i dont wish him a sudden death bc itd be jarring but a long way is almost worse. i dont know what i want. i wish he couldve ever cared for me so that i could care for him. but what happened is he didnt care for me, and i care, but i cant care FOR him. i cant fix this. i cant love or unlove or hurt or unhurt it away.

when he dies i will not have any family left.

and then some part of me will be released from this burden of grieving a family that was always "dead" to me, but now, permanently, which will just feel fucked up.

ive spent 3 years grieving mom and gene. then i will grieve him too. when will it fucking end

in spite of this i have to work hard to perservere bc its what gene would want. its what my dad would want even tho fuck what he wants. its what *i* would want if i was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow myself or in 40 years. im terrified.

im tired.

im so goddamn tired

[videostak]

really literally no idea where to go from here. i mean i know my best bets are to get a job and to continue college but searching for a job has been a complete dead end and no amount of time has changed that and im really gonna have to like hardcore study my ass off to even be comfortable taking classes again so that i dont have a repeat of failing all my classes liek b4.  i just feel so completely disenchanted with the world atm and like i kno things will if not get better than atleast change which should make things different but like its just hard to even know where to go or what to do when u meet someone and meet all their friends and have to learn secondhand that not a single one of them thinks of u as being worthy of being treated with respect and like a decent human being. llike its not exactly easy to just get back up on your feet and run into the same brick wall face first again. if it was something that happened over the span of like a 2 months or so or even a year maybe it wouldntve fucked me up so bad but the fact that like 3 years of my life went by like this really just makes me feel like i have to learn how to walk again. like the level of vulnerabilty and trust i put in people and that people are well aware of me putting in them just for them to act like they dont even know me is insane like thats not something im really willing to put myself in a position to go through again. and everyone in the entire world telling that that friendship and human connection is the most vital thing in life and the only reason for living is like fucking me up too like its true but hearing it for all my life for me to be treated that way by peoplewho believe that too is rly just like messing w/ my brain. like to consistently meet and trust shitty ppl is one thing but its happened so consistently in my life that like it just pours into the way i think abt everything and i dont really kno if or who i can trust anymore like even when i pour three years of my life trying to build and maintain a friendship wiht someone who claims to be doing the same i dont think ill ever actually know the comfort since the rug can so easily be sweeped from under my feet any secodn as far into the friendship as possible. it just like reaches the point where i dont wanna think abt it anymore or think anymore and like to not even have any of their friends even check up on me or ask for my side of the story is so insane like i get it im not worth caring abt but like its insane that ppl can knowingly do such awful things unchecked and just go on with their life with all of their close friends writing it off as an average imperfection and to continue to consider them an angel in every aspect. like really just cannot trust people anymore and like i start to see feel patterns that just make me want to nap for days straight. been using bumble and just wanna keep it just so that i can say im trying but like i dont kno if ill not ever feel horrible abt that vulnerabilty and the way ppl treat me. guessing its cause when ppl catch wind of me not having any other friends they realize they can do whatever and that i wont have any1 to gossip to and that itll never come back to bite them.

[atthebell-moved]

Saw your post about sexism in the fandom made an account just to say that while the hermitcraft/empires community is generally kinder to its female CCs there is a concerning trend towards girlbossification (for lack of a better term) instead of the sister-racist dichotomy you mentioned. Even more noticeably feminine-presenting streamers are given the same sort of boyish appearance you discussed in regards to DSMP women, with the exception of ZombieCleo who has stated that they likes curvier portrayals of themself.

On the bright side, lore by female streamers in the community get far more attention from the community than for the DSMP from what I’ve seen. The amount of appreciation for 5AM Pearl and Cleo’s role in the series is refreshing. Personal bias speaking, but Cleo’s knack for roleplaying really shines in that series. The amount of content for groups or storylines that involve her such as Gaslight/Gatekeep/Girlboss, Fairy Fort, Divorce Quartet and Crastle (+Etho), while still less than that for those that involve more popular male CCs (ex. Team BEST especially BE, Dogwarts, Desert Duo - may be due to season 1 bias), makes me hopeful.

While M/F ships used to overshadow the female CCs themselves in the past (ex. Iskall/Stress, Joe/Cleo), it’s nice to see that female CC’s dynamic with their male counterparts is now treated with more respect (ex. Soup Group appreciation). The community does fixate a lot on M/M ships though.

All that to say, if you’re into dark or dry humor, check out ZombieCleo’s channel and aroaceacacia’s amazing art of her in Last Life. Sorry for the long word salad ask I think? I’m new to this site from Reddit so I don’t know the law of the land.

thanks for sending the hermit side of things! im not super familiar with it but ive seen enough of the fandom on here to suspect that you're right-- i also think hermitblr/hermit enjoyers generally have the benefit that there's more female ccs and less overall fame, so they see more women and have less of the trickle down effect from twitter & the general misogynistic gaming culture.

fanart is a hard one for any fandom because people are really bad at drawing anyone who isnt thin and white and a dude and often refuse to learn; im glad zombiecleo's stuck up for herself and told people off for drawing her skinny.

m/m shipping has always dominated fandom-- from the origins of slash fiction with star trek (yes, fandom pretty much began with star trek. any fic trope you can think of is from star trek) to voltron m/m is across the board more popular for the reasons i listed in my post. people are scared to depict women in genuine romantic and sexual relationships and more than that they often just don't care. glad to hear female ccs arent defined by their shipping dynamics though!

tbh if im ever gonna dip my toes into hc or any of the ccs itll probably be with cleo or pearl, so thank you for the rec! im hoping to watch a bit of empires soon (probably scott and shubble) so if anyone has recs for esmp as well lmk!

#asks #anons #ty for the hermit side of things!!! if anyone wants to send more about that side id love to hear about it #also wait wow you made an account just to send this?? thank you! #feminism tag #misogyny in fandom

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

#zero jams #;mt

[self-h-rmageddon]

im so ashamed actually!!!!!!!!!!! so terribly ashamed i feel like the most disgusting person in the world, cuz thats how intense my brain works it thinks like. oh have yr friends ever called furries weird or implied they thought furries were weird? that means they think you are weird which means they basically want nothing to do with you you should kill yourself NOW!!!!!! i said damn bitch!!!!!! god forbid a man be passionate about. things.

it really is just cuz it has nothing to do with them i think thats one of the core reasons, its completely unrelated and i dont think theyd be interested so... do not RISK IT. maybe im selfish, i just.. i cant stand the thought of something i do being unappealing to them, i cant stand the thought of them looking away. any little thing could be a huge thing!!!! could be the worst thing ever actually could be the end of all things could ruin this

do i think being a furry is going to ruin my relationships? realistically, no. why would it? ive ALWAYS been a furry artist, so.. why am i so scared? sorry if you have to see this its very VERY embarrassing but LORD i am not winning the mental illness rn dear god

its like my head constantly makes hurdles for itself, but like. FOR OTHER PEOPLE. like okay.. they dont hate you cuz yr trans, cool cool... they dont hate you cuz yr have bpd, surprisingly!!!! alright. they dont hate you cuz yr fat, right.. but heres this NEW thing, they SURELY will hate you cuz you draw anthros like you are FUCKED say goodbye to everything dipshit. erm........... whats it gonna be next? theyll hate yr taste in fictional men, thatll do it!!! theyll hate yr music taste, theyll hate you for yr mental illness (not that one, the other one. they were fine with that one but THIS one theyll hate you for surely)

it pisses me off too, i KNOW my friends are good people. i dont seriously THINK that of them, i dont think theyre vicious and waiting to toss me away at any turn but... im still scared of it. i said it before, im scared ill be the one to bring that out of them like im somehow SO terrible ill make the best people ive ever met turn on me like that. FOR DRAWING FURRIES? are you actually stupid (yes)

i cant blame myself too much im. doing the best i can im unmedicated untherapied im . IM DOING PRETTY GOOD for someone whos been carrying several weird ailments and still just chugging along, i manage my symptoms when i can i do my best!!! but fighting yr own brain is FUCKING HARD... why is bro sabotaging me? why is it making me impulsive and scared like that? stupid quit it!!!! i got furries to draw i MISS IT SO MUCH I MISS MY GUYS. IM JUST... im a coward!!!!! i cant ever be like. well so what, who cares what they think? ME BITCH I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.. i hear everything they say, i remember all the things they say they like and dont like, and i internalize it subconsciously. they think this is weird and they personally dont like it? alright well you dont have much of an opinion on it OR you do actually like it so thats BAD we need to cut that shit immediately you will feel SHAME for something harmless cuz you think itll make them keep you longer

dont you get tired of it? YEAH i get real fuckin tired of it. so many times ive tried to like.. force myself back into what i love but as embarrassing as it is to admit, in my head their opinion on things is greater than my own. i struggle with putting people on a pedestal and ive actually been doing REALLY WELL with that like no they are my equals they are my best friends i love them i give them kiss but. The Horrors 💀 like i said it all comes out of fear, fear of being rejected and left to DIE ALONE IN THE COLD. do i think thatll ever happen? no!!! but do i fear it? absolutely. its less of like 'i see you as better than me' and more of 'im afraid to disappoint you and make you leave' which i feel like is pretty standard for someone like me

WHATEVERRR i should stop being such a litle bitch about it, ill try. i just hate feeling like everything i do is a test, i hate feeling so unsure about myself, if i move too fast itll shatter. it wont!!!! relax 🙄

#this is long im just #it helps me to talk this out with myself #im alright im just VOICING SOME #BRAIN ISSUES #as one does

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?

[bastardsofravenkroft-blog]

speak now tv for me on first listen:

in general:

i love the heavier and more unfiltered (?) guitar work, it suits speak now soooo well. hate whoever the backup singer dude is. their voice is not good with hers imo, its really throwing me off. i dont like how quiet her secondary/backup vocals/‘improvs’ are either. its hard to tell if i like the mix or not yet bc its just different yk

in specific:

i like all the vault tracks. theyre good. anyone who thought castles crumbling would be scream-y i have full rights to call you silly. i can see you was way more of a banger than i thought it would be.

fucking hate mine. i will not be listening to it i dont think. which is the first rerecord i absolutely cannot stand. remember when big wigs came up on you belong with me tv and said its a totally different song and thats me with mine. its awful

sparks fly - pretty good overall, doesnt quite match the heart of the og but i think thatll be a running theme unfortunately.

back to december - perfect. theres a sorta loud like horn or something after the first chorus but its fine. very good taysquared fans are FED.

speak now - perfect. solid. nothing to say bc its a pretty nothing song really but its great.

dear john - honestly was just okay until the middle really. then she really gets into i feel, and it fucking hits. the girl in the dress wrote you a song. and you shouldve known.

mean - i love it! sounds like how it did when they played it live. its fun

the story of us - meh. its not bad at all but its not like. magical either. i like the og better but this is still perfectly listenable

never grow up - three times as good as the original. listening to this was like hearing it for the first time at 14 when someone had one of the most prevalent thoughts in my head into one song.

enchanted - the model rerecord (kinda). this is what they should be. not all of them are going to be exact remakes, but this one is pretty damn close but still has its own personality. WIN.

better than revenge - BANGER. THE FUCKING BACKING VOCALS. i dont mind the lyric change, its hers to change, and i dont think thats much of anybody’s business. shes come to terms with the way she treated another woman when she was 18 and i personally wont shit on her for that. and she couldve intentionally made it shit so a lyric that still works well and illustrates the picture? yes please

innocent - better than the original. better. esp the bridge. no more words cause i will be crying. (also i didnt know for years this shit was about kanye and ngl that did sour it a bit but its MINE so I WILL NOT BE CARING. ty)

haunted - ehhhhh. this is one of my favorite ts songs literally ever bc i was born and raised to be an emo piece of shit, i love the second half, but im not sold on the first half. i hope this is one that mega grows on me, and im still so fucking disappointed not to have an acoustic rerecord :( hopefully itll be added later bc its so fucking good

last kiss - the two seconds of waiting for this to play were like every first day of school all over again. but like enchanted its stellar, she got into it from the beginning and i always forget what an amazing song this is until i listen to it again. i wrote this song out in full at least five times in the journal i had at the time. i really love this version just as much.

long live - so fucking faithful??? WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY FOR MINE??? UGGHHHHHHH anyways shes cute! i like. not super attached to this song anymore but i like this way more than the og even i think. a spruce up was what it needed for me i think

ours - its really really different, and i have no feelings really bc ive never really liked it lol. it flows better i think now, but its still a boring weee im in love song so eh

superman - i really didnt listen to this lmao, it didnt deserve to be on any version of speak now imo, esp now hearing the vault tracks, i wouldve liked foolish one more (timeless is more red to me, she was a bit too immature for when emma falls in love and castles crumbling to sound right, and the other songs were too pop for speak now really)

no matter what though, red and speak now will never be replaceable for me. i love these versions but listening to the originals as a young teenage girl and feel heard and seen in ways i never had been before and working through so many complicated things with the help of those songs is something the rerecords will never have.

also whoever said she could remove one of her best songs from arguably one of her best albums.

#music #archives #crimson speaks #taylor swift #speak now #speak now tv #speak now taylor’s version #if youre a swiftie and this pissed you off open a CIVIL DISCUSSION or keep it to yourself. im not dealing with toddlers over a ts post agai #also i didnt even read over this so who knows what it actually says #pinning so i dont lose it #crimson writes

[voyeuristicvixen]

Captains Log 32_ Why Secondlife?

I just finished listening to the incredible Wall Street Journal podcast on Secondlife and How to build a metaverse and I must say, it was the best podcast I have ever listened to. Even bae listened to me and we both had the same feeling we get when we binge watch our favorite show. We we’re thoroughly intrigued and entertained by each episode. I think I can speak  for us both when I say it inspired us and motivated us to  continue in the pursuit of our SL lives and creative interests in the metaverse! We have been exploring sooo much lately and a lot of it has just been organic and intuitive which has made it all the more synchronistic!

There’s an episode that highlights the idea that SL is for a certain kind of person. I had literally been saying that to Wav earlier. I’ve noticed many residents have some philosophical worldviews that differ from their peers in their locale... are creative and intelligent people who are curious and have open imaginations! I have felt more excited and prepared to share SL with my RL circle more these days too and someone has reached out and I’ll be showing them around next week! I am excited and also I feel almost like SL is my baby now too... I am so sensitive to it. I felt myself crying and sad during the parts of the podcast that were hard to hear about how efforts did not get well received but also very hopeful. I just see a vision where SL could have a rebirth in a sense, where it never died but it can regain those 20k users. I see it! Itll be a thing. 

Where the new metaworlds are failing SL has and always will thrive and become even better at.

Listen to the podcast! : https://community.secondlife.com/blogs/entry/11847-the-wall-street-journal-podcast-how-to-build-a-metaverse/?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=socials&utm_campaign=news

So I had a random issue last week where my inventory wasnt fully loading so I went to this random sim that I saw on the Firestorm page that is said to be a place where everything reloads if it wont because theres like zero lag there. So I go there and go through the troubleshooting in a sandbox. boom. Its done.

My curios exploring self, I am always just looking at the map and clicking and teleporting places. . . now I know some people dont like this. . . some people feel that is bad ettiquette to randomly TP in somewhere and I am aware. But my intentions are always pure and I feel its better to apologize or just get kicked. I HAVE to know. XD now, if I see its a sex sim or homestead something of that sort I do not just openly go and invade people’s privacy. Thats not cool. I am very intuitive and psychic about the whole thing lol. So anyway I tp over from the sandbox and this place is what I find..

It was like an ancient abandoned ruins. It felt haunted almost... ngl. This was a place that was an office to the Lindens. Or at least it felt like a “was”. Maybe still is but everything inside was made of prims and just felt like it was left behind. (I feel badly if this is an active office because im just flaming tf out of it rn im sorry lol) It was all dark inside too... it really just felt ghostly. But either way it was super cool I got a free bear! I am now obsessed with finding these linden bears knowing that they are a “thing”. I randomly found my first one on a boating trip (see blog post here) little did I know it was the beginning to a collectors story arc.

So I snooped all the offices because I was looking to see if anymore free bears were being gifted lols. I guess thats greedy af of me but I love them! XD What I did find were beautiful memories of the beginnings of Secondlife. This was also about a week before the podcast came out too! So everything just unfolding like a beautiful movie to me.

This was in one of the offices, it is dated OCT-NOV 2002 It is the first map of SL. Its pretty amazing how they started with this, and now there's this seemingly limitless world that's bloomed from it. I just got goosebumps when I walked through the offices because I could just feel like... the energy behind it.

Some things it reminded me of:

- In the movie w tyra banks where she plays a doll, theres a part where she goes back to the studio where they shot all her promo videos which she as a doll remembers as her home. Its dimly lit and the sets are colorful and fantastic. Thats what walking in this office felt like....

-  In anastasia when she is revisiting her childhood palace and is seeing ghosts dancing around the room and remembering her past I felt like i could see how they were getting their offices together, working out the lay of the land anticipating newcomers...making bears

Theres me and bear and I guess meetings were/are held here still? Idk!

This is Leo Lindens Office, I looked to find more information about him and who he was and how exactly he contributed but I couldn’t find much. He worked at linden labs in 2007. I got a copy of his commemorative plaque which is now sitting in my garage.

^ THIS IS DOPE ITS EVERY DETAIL TO THE NINES. Found it while exploring Cinna: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/One/87/65/22

In the marketplace: https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/Ultimate-DMC-12/12395447

Making out in a dank ass library at a place we found through someones profile (those are always the best) my profile pics are not destination heavy as much as they are edgy little things that I just HAD to say. Basically im one of those people who turned their profile into another blog.

I love classic dank libraries. I LIVE for them in RL and SL. It is a wonder I have not built my own library yet, but there is plenty of time for that!! *Adds to list of thousand and 5 things to do*

Big tings coming! Ras and Gigi are the dopest i’ll say it everytime I see em.  It was super nice to meet with the Meroe team to chop things up and get on board with the next wave for the movement. Im living for this experience and it is just helping me in my RL to gain more perspective and confidence with my personal goals and purpose in life. But the best part is how schedules and things align perfectly to just flow together. Thats divine alignment and you just cant beat it! Alhamdoulilah! \o/

Ascella is such a sweetheart shes what I know to be as the first Meroe volunteer, shes always so gracious with me and I love that. Lol why is my face always lookin like that?? IDK but I can assure you nothing is wrong I am so delighted ! XD

We have been little by little checking out some of the Oct SL events, especially moreso since we’ve been listening to the podast. Its like, hearing them speak on how much work and excitement and heart goes into the events and things they put out for us in SL made us want to participate more. So glad we are too because everything has been super fun and enjoyable. Its hilarious how we actually get spooked by some things too. We accidentally spend a whole night on the sidewalks of Bellissario or whatever its called. And I also was thinking, if it was instantly so popular, why not make more little suburbs like it? Even though it was “sold out” there were a lot of empty homes still.

We frequent our favorite dispensary “Eaze” nowadays and the Bud Hud is pretty amazing. We have jars of joints all over the house and we love to smoke in SL and RL at the same time its one of those random satisfying things....I feel like i’ve written about this place before but here I am writing about it again. Soul’s dispensary is just super nice it feels like the ones here where I live and I love how the products and everything look inside. Its just small quaint and vibey.

Your Uber: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Muskeg/170/114/51

Found this random platform of linden bears and a DJ Bear... Its like these bears are calling to me I swear... ever since the first one.. But pay attention to these two in this pic, this is going to lead me into a series of potentially problematic things I see in SL. I thought these bears were going to be black or brown when they were grey and loading because all I could see was a Fez and some Timbs... So im like ohhh shit these bears are brothas! but then they finally load and they aint. Its a shiner and Idk what the other bear got going on. lmao. That was hilarious to me. XD

Us <3 I sat here with them ALL day while we did stuff in RL, it was lovely. Sometimes I feel like our avies are alive lol.

I got Yemi a new onesie it reminds me of my first halloween I was a pumpkin. :)

We went to this great hunt experience by Baroqued Japonica called Kohaku No Shizuku. It was a wonderful story that was put into a full game that had a hud system attached. It was wordy but we still got a good understanding of the story and completed the full experience together. It was really well made and impressive to say the least. I think it should be less wordy next time but I love to read and I love a good story and I also love how they made the book look with the illustrative photos. It was very well made and so I read it. The creator made the story too I have to say BIG UPS for real its incredibly creative! At the end we got all these amazing wonderful gifts that I am still unpacking! Your Uber: https://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/BAROQUED/129/19/243E

Bae wanted me to get a pic of him jumping off this tower. We got really into jumping and the controls after visited the infamous Beanstalk, one of the first tallest things ever made in SL. We started to climb up the beanstalk and got maybe 1/4 of the way up before falling. In the end we traveled by bubble. But we got the hops now!

Well damn this is long, iff anyone makes it down here... why I am still on secondlife? It is probably the same answer you will here from most of us who “get it” its a place I can be with my man who is long distance right now and a place where I get to continue practicing this new evolution of self coming out of saturn return where I am a boss, assertive and manifesting big dreams. I wanna do it twice over and then a third time in the astral! & I am always learning and theres so much history and things to learn in SL. So much to learn about people too.. Okay now I’ve said enough! lol

#Secondlife #Secondlifehistory #Secondlifedestination #Secondlifeevents #Secondlifephotography #Secondlifefashion #secondlifeblog #secondlifeblogger #metaverse #metaverseblog #howtobuildametaverse

[single-malt-scotch]

still no art rn bc i got a bit burnt out w all the drawing around double life- so im just still binging s7 videos aaaand well i finished grian's s7 series lol. i definitely watched nearly all the episodes i think unlike s6 where i jumped around. im still going back and watching other pov's of s7 though, itll just take me a bit. but, the consensus:

i watch grian's s6, s7, most of s8 and what there is of s9. i had started s8 after watching s9 (which i watched first) but i stopped when i decided i wanted to go all the way back to 6 instead, but also cuz i wasnt super into the plot heaviness of that season. i maaay go back to s8 and finish it since its so short but im not sure, it still wasnt hitting like s6 or s7 to me.

my Onion right now is, s6 is one i may go back and watch more of- i watched grian bc i wanted to get to know him more and see if i enjoyed his style. he was also new that season so i feel like it was a more skewed perspective since he didnt know everyone well and wasnt hanging out with many other people yet? but again idk who i may watch from that season (i enjoy seeing people interact the most tbh so i am not sure who i may jump to). but once i got into s7 i can say it has by far been a favorite and was very thrilled to see grian interacting more consistently with other members too- especially those i wanted to watch that season like etho and bdubs. i will probably go and watch etho myself too, and i watched a few eps of bdubs to tie up some loose ends. overall s7 had so many things in it that made me want to go check out other videos and while i may, im pleased that grian took more time to go out and about to see other people's bases and the events that made people go out more. the turf war, base swap, and secret bases were all key events that i found quite amusing and i felt they were all wrapped up quite well too. it seemed like everyone had better ideas of what they wanted to do and carry through in terms of stuff to plan. i was also wondering when the proxy mod came in so glad i got that covered by the end of that season lol. which brings to me my remaining thoughts into s8 and proxy mod--

so s8 sits very different w me now after watching 6 and 7. obviously those two were longer, and im kinda surprised to remember s7 took place during covid because it really didnt feel like it?? it seemed like they were all very productive, and i guess when your whole thing is playing inside on minecraft then, it wouldnt be too affected lol. but still, surprised i didnt see any clear hiccups even if they tried to keep that out of the videos on purpose. anyways, s8 and proxy mod.... when i watched s9 and the life series around the same time i was intrigued by the proxy mod as i hadnt ever seen any smps just using it constantly. for Life it made sense for sure, but working my way backwards in the HC seasons i guess i can see the pros and cons from my perspective...

i got quite accustomed to the uh, "old style" of videos with s 6 and 7. you know, recording on your own and hopping into calls when you wanted to interact further but otherwise typing in chats. i didnt realize how.... hm. different that is for the viewing experience. it allowed me to focus far more on the person im watching and makes certain interactions more amusing when its limited in chat. Proxy is convenient, and i do think its fun to hear people get closer or farther, or to surprise them. but the near constant of it being on kinda makes it feel like a never ending voice call, and i dont feel like (at least from grian's perspective as its the only i watched) it gives the person time to focus as much sometimes? and it doesnt always feel like the creators are actually addressing the audience anymore, as they are often focused on talking to those around them. its hard to say, bc i think part of it has to do with it being new, so everyone wants to use it a lot and get used to it. and i wouldnt say it ruins the videos either. but its a whole different feeling!

i think its nice to have the creators have their own space to commentate and then go into calls to talk w people because it better seperates the content. i do think the proximity part of proxy mod is fun and great for shenanigans. i think it being constantly on can hinder some things, and i hope to see more separation/muting in the future maybe...

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Ayyyyyyyyy time for Episode Nine babesssss hopefully its not as bad as the star wars movie

Okay, the scene of that one girl whos been helping the No Name Guard throwing some stuff into Aphs house is fine, I'll definitely have to change the order on some events though since Im assuming Aphmau is gonna see the effect of those splash potions right away now, which she cant do if shes staying in Brightport

Okay so, Aphmau cant have this convo w/ Garroth at the beach so I'll do it like this: Garroth still gets those disturbing news and he still gets worried abt Aph n stuff (at least I assume hes worried its kinda hard to tell). Meanwhile Aphmau is hangin out at the village, packing her things bc she wants to home soon. Paul accompanies her while they both go to the docks but on their way they hear a bunch of people whispering about lords being killed and all that. Paul stops and goes "uh oh, aphmau that doesnt sound too good" and she answers smth like "yeah it really does, its a good thing we wont be in danger though" to which Paul goes "Ehhh, I wouldnt be too sure about that ykno" Aphmau is a bit confused because "Im not a Lord" but Paul goes and says smth like "Ive seen the way you care for those villagers, for me, youre a Lord if ive ever seen one" Shes kinda flustered for a moment but then goes "Oh. Wait doesnt that mean Im in danger then?? Maybe I should stay here for a while" Paul agrees and tells her he knows someone she can send as a messenger so the others back home dont worry/they can maybe work something out while keeping Aph save

(The way im imagining this rn is basically like, Aphmau writes a letter to Garroth, gives it to this messenger who travel to him and gives him the letter and so on, I might come up w/ something better but thats the best ive got as of me writing this)

Zenix is doing something at the old Lord's house while Brenden works to take it down, Im not sure what I should write here bc like, Zenix is pretty clearly doing some shady shit but I dont remember anything he did or why he did it or the fact that he existed at all. So yea, maybe I'll just cut this entirely and leave it as something weird goin on in the background or I'll rewrite it when I have more context

She also doesnt get any of those potions, but they are technically free for Zenix to take now, so if that ever plays a role.......

Aphmau finishes the letter and gives it to that messenger, they have an exchange thats basically like "hey I heard this stuff about how Im like, a Lord basically and also theres someone going around killing all the Lords so I decided to stay in Brightport for now" "hello its good that you know that, Ive heard that too, deciding to stay there when you heard that was smart but Brightport is not as advanced as us (no offense) so it'll be better if you returned as soon as possible"

Im gonna research how long boat routes usually take later, for now I'll just say that between the messenger going back and dorth and Garroth n Aph writing the letters this takes like, one and a half days (bc yknow, that messenger has to sleep n eat too)

Meanwhile, Aphmau is mostly just chillin in Brightport. Shes a bit anxious bc of the whole Thing, but shes having a good time bonding with her new cat and keeping Pauls spirits up. At some point he says that he feels ready to go talk to Visher's Wife now, Aph gives him some encouraging words before he leaves and then she takes the opportunity to ask around a bit about the Lord and what he was like (i dont actually remember if that gets brought up at any point, so itll have to be pretty vague for now). Maybe she can also help w/ some issues the villagers are having so she can distract herself from her anxiety more idk

Maybe we can have a part where our villagers are a bit worried about Aphmau, particularly Emmalyn, Donna n Kiki. Maybe potentially Garroth too, but I actually think its kinda cool that so much of Garroth is initially a mystery and I'd like to keep it that way here too

Alrightyyyyyy also sorry for accidentally posting this before it was done lol

#lunas mcyt shit #my mc/d rewrite

[slaytimesover]

Getting the C**NTS back together

—————

made up text chat between the euphoria gals, set after the finale & minus (SPOILER) fez getting in the shootout

I JUST WANT MY GIRLS TO BE HAPPY BROOOO

content: wholesome, tryna be realistic w how they text

—————

March 1st, 2021

Maddy: hey anyone

add cass back i still have the bitch unadded

Kat: bro don’t u know her username

Maddy: no this is my new phone rmb

literally showed u in class today:/ rude mf

Kat: shit sry babe

Maddy: </3

*Kat has changed the chat name to cassies hot tub vomit💯💯*

Maddy: HAHAHAHAAAAA GTFO

BB: 🤣🤣🤣Funny ash Nahhhh Kat

Jules: uMM bro how come idk anything abt this…

story time ???

*Kat has added Cassie*

Cassie: Um what the fuck guys….

Kat: SORRY CASS THE OPPORTUNITY WAS RIGHT THERE

BB: Can still Smell that shit on me ICL🤣🤣😂

Maddy: 💀💀fucking helpppp

Jules: I STILL NEED THAT STOYTIME ???

Cassie: Can I ask what the hell is going on

Is this new or smth? Also the names not funny

Jules: new as in … like 3 months old then ye

Cassie: WTF

Not a single one of yall has talked on the other chat for ages is it bc u guys were fucking here?

BB: Ya we have

Jus like u banged Nate for Ages n Shi 💀💀

Kat: out of POCKET

Maddy: LMAO BARBARA

Jules: PFF

no hard feelings tho cass :)

we all wanna meet up soonish

Maddy: yup friday at 8, my place

sorry this fkn introduction was brutal but babe we wanna properly get together again

all 7 of u cunts

Kat: 7? there’s 5 in the gc🤨🤨

Jules: wait wait wait can we like BACJTRACK to the cassie hot tub thing??

Cassie: No Jules we really can’t

Also Maddy are you sure?

Maddy: girl puked her guts out at my party after drinking herself half to death <3

sent me into fkn cardiac arrest ill tell u that

love u though babe

and yes ofc. we outta put this past us

Cassie: MADDY!!! Girl!!!!

Jules: LMAO POOR CASS

no shame in it weve all been there ❤️

Cassie: Shut upppp

Tell me if I’m ever gonna hear the end of that story…

Maddy: @Kat forgot to add em but i want rue rue & lex there too

going full out bitches

Kat: cass keep dreaming lolll

BB: Jule boutta see her Ex Yooooo😫😫

Kat: fuck fuck oh yeah

are yall cool now? i saw u two tgt after the play

BB: Play was Fire Though Lexi Ate🔥🔥🔥

Cassie: …

Jules: uh

well

that’s the question 😃

Maddy: jules b what happened?

Kat: yeah ive been meaning to properly check in holy crapp

Jules: we aren’t seeing each other anymore in that way, & maybe its for the best but im still processing it yk?

it was… weirdly calm even after the intervention bullshit went down

ig we had an unspoken agreement that we shouldnt be together

even if theres still love between us

its hard to tell where we stand is all im sayin

Kat: shit dude i hope ur okay

Maddy: yeah…

so much respect for u

itll get better n itll be worth it <3 i promise

wish i coulda realised that on my own, ur fuckin fearless

Cassie: I hear you Maddy

I’m happy for u Jules

BB: Go Jule 🙏

Cassie: I mean, if ur all okay then I’ll come

I really want to make amends I don’t know what had gotten into me

I feel terrible

Maddy: a friend told me that in her experience, it was just the right amount of attention at the wrong time, yh? anyways girl i kno u deserve amother chance even if u fucked up

& jules

same goes for u n rue, how abt we all hang out like old times and see where it goes on from there hm? pretty pls

Jules: i cant promise that itll nott be awkward but im down mads!

Maddy: bettt

*Maddy added Rue and Lexi*

Lexi: uh hello

what is this gc name 😭 don’t remind me omg

Kat: 😹😹

Maddy: okay listen up girls, my house 8pm friday, not optional so clear ur shit. no excuses.

& im talking to u lex with that fez mf

Lexi: noo stop💀

BB: She Blushin through the screen on Godd LOL

Rue: wait hey what’s going on

Maddy: rue rue

we wanna come together like the olden days & properly have a girls night

think we deserve a celebration after the shit weve been thru this year

Lexi: really?

thats sounds so nice I like that !!

Kat: ur play def sealed the deal for us dude<3

we fr just need a big catch up & some actual fun

Jules: literallyy

Maddy: everyone in fr?

Lexi: yess

Cassie: Yes

Jules: yep!

Kat: ofc

BB: Yass

Cassie: Rue?

Lexi: um I think fez just took her phone hold up

Jules: NOT YOU WITH FEZ AGAIN AHHH

Rue: YO WHO THE FUCK IS CASSIE AND WHY SHE THROWING up in the bathbutt

Kat: man said bathbutt😭😭

Rue: TUB*

Tu(/(/)£&&&@&@&&&@@@@@@@

Sorry55555555555555 that was fe££&&

FEZ TOOK My phone sry guys

Maddy: sadly were not inviting fez </3 shame we can’t meet the bf lexi but rue come join us brooo

Rue: i mean…

we can try

lotsa shit went down between us tho are u all good?

Cassie: Yeah, & we can just take it step by step anyways

Jules: yepp, i wanna see u all

no matter what

Rue: well

ill try n be there

so sure guys:)

BB: YOOOO It Worked

Maddy: ahhhhhh! cant fucking wait

god i missed this bs<3

#euphoria #euphoria season two #euphoria fanfic #maddy perez #rue bennett #bb euphoria #jules vaughn #cassie howard #lexi howard #kat hernandez #zendaya #fezco euphoria #fezco fanfic #euphoria fluff

[honeykawa]

Fly | Route: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: violence, suggestive themes but nothing graphic

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose him”

You looked at the man who had been standing in the corner of the room with his arms crossed

“Tanaka get your ass moving and take them home. Pick them up in the morning and take them home from now on. Make sure they dont run away or itll be on your head”

“Got it boss”

The car ride to your apartment was filled with silence and the soft sound of music coming from the radio

You were too nervous to say anything

The growing feeling of anxiety in your chest made it almost hard to breath

You started to unconsciously grab at the area above your chest and your breathing became irregular

‘How did i get into this mess?’ ‘whats going to happen to me?’

These thoughts keep rushing through your head

“--hey are you okay?”

Tanaka pulled the car over so he could stop and assess just what was happening

And from the way he saw it...it looked like an anxiety attack

His panicked a little himself watching you like this he didnt even want to imagine the feelings rushing through you right now

He got you to control your breathing again and come down from your panic

“You good now?”

You nodded your head, still weary about being near this man

He could tell you were still on your guard with the way you wrapped your arms around your body, as if you were trying to make yourself smaller

“I know it seems rough right now but i swear itll be okay”

His voice was soft with you, something you didnt expect from someone in the mafia

The car ride after that went pretty smooth

“We’re here”

The ride went faster than you thought it would and you got out of his car before saying your goodbyes

“Ill pick you up in the morning...if you need me heres my card”

He held out his card to you as you slowly took it from his hands

“See you”

And with that he sped off as you went inside your apartment to go to bed, hoping that maybe this had all been a dream

Once tanaka got back to his apartment he immediately plopped himself onto his bed and covered his eyes with his arm while thoughts of you plagued his mind

‘Cute’

His arm fell down to his side and he just stared at the ceiling

“Get your shit together tanaka. Your job is to watch them, nothing more”

He rolled over to his side with thoughts of you fading as he drifted into sleep

You woke up to the sound of light knocking on your door

And as soon as you opened the door it finally set in that last night really did happen

“Are you ready to go?”

Tanaka took one look at you and let out a deep sigh knowing that you werent

“Ill give you fifteen minutes”

You nodded your head as you ran back into your room and changed into something work appropriate

Wait where were you working? What would be considered work appropriate?

Based off of what tanaka was wearing you assumed something business casual

When you came out you looked at tanaka to see if this was good enough and he just nodded his head and started walking back towards his car, opening the door for you to get in

“I talked it over with daichi and youll be working with me as my assistant”

Your eyes widened and he immediately knew what went through your mind

“No not like that! Like with actual business stuff you wont really have to do anything with the mafia”

His flailing around made you laugh a bit and lifted a weight off of your shoulders

Listening to you laugh was almost relaxing, his cheeks heating up from the mere sight of your carefree smile

He gave you a quick tour of the place and introduced you to the others if you ran into them but that was about it

As his assistant you really didnt do much

If anything it felt like he was just an over glorified babysitter

But you shuffled through the files he gave you and sorted them the way he wanted

Tanaka watched you from the corner of his eye while you both worked

It wasnt that he was worried you would do it wrong

But it was just last night that you had that anxiety attack right in front of him

“y/n do you want to go out?”

You looked up from your papers and looked at him in confusion

“Right now? And what do you mean by ‘go out’?”

A big smile appeared on his face

“Yeah right now! Lets go! And dont think too much of it”

He stood up and grabbed his wallet

You followed him and as you two rounded the corner of the block he held the door open to a small cafe

“Go ahead and order whatever you want its on me”

You were weary about being here

Would you two get in trouble for leaving like that?

Tanaka could see the worry still lingering on your face and rose his hand to gently pat your head

“Like I said its on me so dont worry about leaving the office ill take any repercussions if there are any”

The grin on his face took a weight off of your chest and you felt like the air around you wasnt so thick anymore

After getting back to the office no one had even noticed that you two had even left

Whos running this place??

The next few weeks seemed to be fine

It was almost like you lived a normal life and you werent being watched by the mafia

You and tanaka had grown closer and it was easier to talk to the others now

He treated you kindly and tried to understand your situation

Unlike the two interns who always berated you for not knowing where certain files were or would roll their eyes when you would flinch at sudden movements the first few days

But tanaka took it slow with you, doing little things so that youd be more comfortable

At first it was subtle

If you needed to go make a copy of something he’d suddenly need to go grab something from the copy room with you even if you insisted that you could get it for him

Or how he always tried to include you in conversations with others so you would get more comfortable around everyone

Tanaka grew to be someone who it was easy for you to be around

But that sense of calmness was quickly wiped away when you joined him on one of his...excursions

“Heres the case. Now give us what we want”

Tanaka held the case in front of him while you just watched from the car

Sure, he’d take you with him but he’d never let you actually get out

He didnt really want this to take too long

Especially since it was just him against a good handful of men

But the men he was making the trade deal with suddenly saw you in move in the car and locked eyes with you

His smile sent a chill down your spine formed on his face

“New deal: give me that hot piece of ass in the car and you have a deal”

Tanakas jaw clenched at the the disgusting words just said about you

“Im sorry but,”

You couldnt see tanakas face until he looked up at the man in front of him

The look on his face utterly terrified you

“I’ll kill you if you even try to put a hand on them”

Everyone stood there unmoving, too scared to move

Tanaka turned around and headed back to the car where you were

“Deals off if that wasnt clear”

But one of the other men moved towards him

“The fuck you mean its off!”

Tanaka easily evaded the man’s advance and took him down with only a quick few movements

“Anyone else want to try”

The question was simple enough but no one dared made eye contact with him as he got into the car and drove off

The car ride was quiet, youd never seen tanaka look like that before

It scared you

He scared you

Tanaka noticed your silence and reached a hand out to pat your head but his chest went heavy at the sight of you flinching

“Y/n?”

You knew he wouldnt hurt you but you couldnt stop the slight tremble

“Im sorry tanaka”

A weak smile appeared on his face

“It’s fine y/n. i’ll take you home, okay?”

You just nod your head and neither of you talk the rest of the ride

A few days go by and you can feel the distance between you and tanaka growing

Its so noticeable that the others in the office can feel the awkwardness between the two of you

Tanaka suddenly stood up from his seat which startled you but he quickly rose his hands

“Woah sorry didnt mean to scare you”

He said it with such a sad smile on his face that it almost hurt to even look at him

“Ill be back in a moment, gotta use the bathroom”

You nodded your head as he left and let out a sigh

You knew he was just doing business

This was his job

It just shocked you to see the man thats been so kind to you to look...like that

Tanaka on the other hand knew this would happen eventually

He washed his face in the sink and looked up at his reflection

‘Remember your place. They deserve better’

He wiped off his face before heading back to his office only to see you not there

His heart just drop not seeing you there

“y/n?!”

He was about to bolt out of there but as soon as he turned around he bumped right into you

You fell onto the ground and the papers you were holding scattered around everywhere

You both just looked at each other for a moment

“Tanaka--”

Before you could say anymore he scooped you into his arms and you could feel the slight tremble in his shoulders before he quickly pulled away once he realized what he was doing

“Sorry y/n i dont know what came over me”

He started help to pick up the papers you dropped but before he could get too far you pulled him into a hug

He was frozen on the spot at feeling your touch

The warmth from your hands made his heart beat erratically

“Im sorry tanaka”

Your arms tightened around him

Youd seen so many sides of him

How clumsy he was

How kind he could be

Youve also seen how scary he could be and honestly it still shocked you

But you want to believe in him

The him thats been nothing but gentle with you

You could hear him let out a shaky breath before pulling you into his chest

After that your relationship with tanaka went back to normal

Or at least as normal as it could have been

Ever since that day youve started to notice how your heart speeds up whenever you look at him

Or the butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you

He was careful to not let you see the mafia side of things anymore

You appreciate the thought but youd be lying if you said it didnt worry you when he came to work bandaged or bruised

Today was one of those days where tanaka had picked you up with some visible injuries

The cut on his face looked fairly fresh and without realizing it you reached up and gently ran your thumb over it

“Um what are you doing y/n”

Not that tanaka hated this

He felt his heart flutter at your touch

“You know, i dont mind helping you if you need it”

He smiled and took your hand off of his face

“Thank you y/n but im fine”

Just knowing that you cared was enough for him

‘I love you’

They were words he couldnt say

But he knew this life wasnt for you and he couldnt force you to come live in it

A few weeks go by and you feel like every time you get close to him he pulls back to just keep it barely within the realm of just friends

But that was fine as long as you could stay near

It was another one of those days where tanaka was off doing mafia business so noya kept you company

He always had his guard up but he seemed to take a liking to you

“Do you like tanaka”

The question caught you so off guard you dropped your pen

You looked up at him

“Is it that obvious?”

Noya kept working on whatever was in front of him not even sparing you a glance

“Painfully”

You could feel your embarrassment rising

“But if it makes you feel any better i think he likes you too so promise me...make him happy”

Before you could say anything back noyas phone went off and he immediately answered

His eyes went wide and his head whipped towards you before hanging up and dragging you somewhere

“Noya! Where are we going?”

He rushed you into a car and he took the wheel before driving off to who knows where

“Where are we?”

He got out of the car and opened your door

You were at an apartment complex from the look of it

“We’re at tanakas apartment hurry up”

You immediately got out and followed after him and you almost felt your legs give out seeing the state tanaka was in

Bloody and battered

Hinata was sitting next to his bed with his arms crossed

“Idiot rushed in despite not having a gun”

Noya rolled his eyes

“You know he doesnt like carrying one whyd you let him go alone?”

“Not my fault he didnt stop to think”

They kept talking to each other and went into the other room leaving you both alone

His breathing seemed stable as he slept but tears escaped your eyes as you took a seat next to him

Noya left you with tanaka and told you to take care of him

“He’ll try to tell you hes okay. Dont listen to him hes a fucking liar so take good care of him for me”

It was funny but it almost sounded like a goodbye

Tanaka woke up later that night only to see you sitting next to him with tear stains on your cheeks

The thought of you shedding tears because of him both hurt and warmed his heart

He reached up to wipe your face despite the pain he felt

Your cheeks fit perfectly within his hand and he found it cute how you leaned into his touch subconsciously

He couldnt move much but this is all he needed

You woke up before he did that next morning and decided to make some breakfast for the both of you

When you came back in he was just waking up

“Good morning tanaka”

The smile on your face as the sunlight trickled in through the window made him feel at ease

This...this was the life he longed for

“Morning”

He tried to sit up but flinched while doing so

You rushed to his side and set the food down before helping him up

“Dont push yourself. Youre still pretty banged up”

You changed his bandages for him every evening after that

“I can do this myself you know”

He said it with a light laugh

He was starting to get back on his feet and regained most of his movement and strength

“I know but...id like it if you would rely on me just a bit more. I know i cant do much but i can do this”

He didnt say anything back to you after that

In all honesty he didnt want to do it himself

Every time your hand even brushed over his skin it felt like he was on fire

Even the scars that have long since healed throbbed at your touch

His heart beat so hard against his chest that he was afraid that you could hear it

“There all done! Hope that wasnt too bad”

‘Dont smile at me’

‘Youre far too precious’

‘I dont know what ill do if you look at me like that’

He really was planning to let you go, he was fine with just keeping you at an arms length away but now he knew he was in too deep

You got up to put the first aid kit away but he quickly pulled you into his bed with him and he held you tight against his chest

His face was buried into the crook of your neck

He didnt know what he wanted anymore

He wanted to keep you safe but he couldnt guarantee that with him being in the mafia

He hated it

This life wasnt the one he wanted anymore

The life he wanted was with you

Slowly, he rose his head to look at you

“Run away with me y/n”

Your eyes widened in pure shock

“What...what did you just say?”

You couldnt believe what he just said

His eyes were serious though

“Run away with me. I dont want this life anymore. I want to give you the life you deserve. One filled with happiness and laughter where you dont have to worry about things like if ill come home the next day or not. One where you arent targeted. I love you y/n. I love you so much so please, run away with me or so help me god ill just take you”

He held you so tight that it felt like he might break at any sudden movement

You wrapped your arms around him and held him gently against you so you wouldnt hurt any of his wounds

“Then take me away”

That was all tanaka needed to let go of any reservations that were holding him back up

He kissed you with everything hes been bottling up until this moment

Your lungs burned as pulled away, both out of breath but hungry for more

“I hope you know Im not letting you go. Youre stuck with me now”

You laughed and kissed his forehead

“I wouldnt have it any other way”

That night was spent in each others arms, both of you longing for the others touch and neither of you wanting to be apart for even a second

Noya visited the apartment a few days later only to be met with complete silence

A knowing smile appeared on his face as he shook his head

He knew wherever you two were you were both happy

Because he knew you would keep your promise to him

#tanaka ryunosuke x reader #tanaka ryuunosuke #tanaka ryuunosuke x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyu scenarios #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu mafia #tanaka x reader

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Hey! Ive been feeling a bit in the muds so could you do like and old type of fanfic...like a mob!tom on a retro phone just sweet talking the reader?

Only if your requests are open tho. I dont wanna be a burden

Aw baby you could never EVER be a burdon. Dont ever be shy to talk to me because im always here babe.

T.H| What a Sweetheart

Summary: 👺👺👺

Warnings: ah just some fluff- i went overboard i hope your okay with that-

A/n: I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER- HERE ILL POST A WEIRD VIDEO FOR YOU

There you sat. The baby pink everywhere as you laid on your stomach rocking your feet and reading a book, sucking on your lolipop

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

A smile and a giggle brought to your lips, sitting up and crawling to the old pink retro phone you answered, curling the wire around your fingers with the other hand holding the pop.

“Hey babyface” “hi tommy” he also laid there, in the darkness as he starred at the empty wall, shirtless and pantless, just in his boxers and in his socks rubbing his stomach and wanting to listen to your voice.

“I missed you” you laughed at his words “i missed ya to tommy” “i miss your voice...that pretty face of yours” “well i cant come see you, daddy stays at home now and he needs my help” “i dont need your help princess” you giggled at his joke “not youuuu, my real daddy”

“Mhmm princess, well what are you wearing?” You looked down at yourself then squealed “well i just got this fuzzy pink robe! Its so cute!” He chuckles and shifted in his spot. “Are you tired dollface?” Your lips go to the side for a moment, thinking before speaking.

“Kind of” “well, can i talk you to sleep” he desperately asked, biting his lip waiting for an answer. “Yeah let me go turn off the lights” you muttered, putting the phone down before getting up and walking to your door to switch the light off.

When you came back to your large bed you cleaned everything up and tom waited patiently, humming some songs to himself before you came back.

“Alright, what dya’ got for me” you asked, laying down on your side and holding onto the phone. “I just wanted to praise you bunny. Tell you how beautiful you are and how much i love you. How you speak and walk....your just everything for me ya know?”

“Really?” You said, your voice shrinking. “Of course baby, you deserve the whole wide world, do you know that? I feel like you should just sit on a cloud because your too good for this earth”

You sighed “thank you, but whats going on with you?” He bit his lip before answering, sitting up against the headboard “uhm, this job has been so stressful lately, i havent seen my family at all. I havent seen you- i just feel alone...”

“Oh...well i can ask my daddy to drop me off” you suggested. “No you dont have to, i only wanted to hear that sweet sweet voice” he chuckled, his head hanging low as he thought about what to buy you next.

“Im still listening!” You perked up making him laugh “i know you are princess, just lay down yeah? All ears for me?” “Got it tommy” “you ready?” “Mhm”

“I wanna buy you everything and more because your such a good girl for me, i wanna pleasure you in any and every way possible because you deserve it” “really? Give me some examples” “i dont know....rub your feet?” You both shared a small laugh “i know youve been wanting that fox fur coat..”

“I would fucking kill for that coat” “your daddy hasnt bought it for you yet?” He asked, a smirk on his face. “No, i havent asked at all” “whys that baby girl?”

You sighed before answering “because hes been so hard on me...hes getting old and-“ “you dont have to finish baby i know, i just wish we could all get together and be happy” “why cant we?” You asked rather innocently.

“Well...your daddy doesnt like my dad, and my dad doesnt like yours so we just continue to clash and fued” he wiped his eye. “Thats no fun, maybe i can talk to him” “what are you gonna say? That we are in love together and we wanna get married?” He sarcastically chuckled and your eyebrows furrowed.

“Well do you?” You asked. “Yeah doll...i do. Why dont we just run away and kill everyone in our path”

He didnt know why he was suggesting it. He in one of the biggest mobs and hes held responsible as one of the main people in the family, aside from you and yours. He really isnt the one for violence but he just wants at least a break of peace.

“Daddy wouldn’t like that” you shook your head. “I know, i just really miss you pretty girl” “i miss you to tom- thats why i wanna see you-“ “no itll just put you in danger! Stay home y/n” “what if i dont want to!”

“Then you cant come here. Im sorry!” “I dont care, bye-“ “wait-“ before he could finish you hung up the phone, dropping it back on its place before getting up and putting on your slippers and walking to the kitchen, finding your father eating.

“Daddy no carbs!” “Honey its 9 o’clock, give me a break” he glared at you, eating the piece of buttered bread. “Well i have a questionnnn” you distanced off, the slippers making a noise while you walked to the counter where your father was at. “Hm?” He groaned looking at you. “Dont get mad at me! Promise!” You said, holding up your hand and tilting your head at him.

“Spit it out y/n” “okay okay- can you pretty please talk to the hollands-“ he choked on the piece of bread “daddy!” You run up to him, aggressively patting his back. “Okay okay- im done! But you said what?” He looked at you with his eyebrows furrowed.

“The....hollands” you muttered looking away from him. “We have been against each othet for generations! And what makes you want to speak and collaborate with them” “daddy...theres this-“ “oh fuck off! Please dont tell me-“ you only nodded. “A white man?” “Daddy!” “What? Im being honest!”

“Whens the next meeting!” You asked. “In a week”

This is your first time ever coming to one of the meetings, and you were afraid. Your mob color is a dark brown so you wore it...daddy refused to let you wear anything too revealing because these men are dirty.

“Cover yourself!” “What are you talking about!” “Y/n.” “Finnneeee!” You stomped back to your room and your dad gifted you a tuxedo, so you wore it...

“Seeeeee you look great! Your grandfather would be so proud of you” news flash. All the women in the family ran away or whatever, they didnt know what they were getting their sleves into.

“Can we just leave”

Clank clank clank clank

You walked behind your dad and his close partners followed behind you, protecting you from toms family.

“You do not speak. You hear me y/n. Just sit down and listen” “yeah” you were nervous, ver nervous. So when you stepped in and seen absolutely no women at the tables you panicked. But when you made eye contact with tom you almost shit yourself.

He eyed you from afar, wondering why you were here. Why are you putting yourself in danger.

As everyone talked you sat there bored until someone made a comment about you. “Why is she here? Shes a beaut” he snickers, others laughing to.

Your dad stood “talk about my daughter again and i will kill you, understood?” He snapped, shrinking the man down to size. “Honey get out of here” he smiled at you and you stood, one of his friends pat coming with you outside.

“Why did you come here?” He asked, offering a cigarette but you declined. “I just wanted to see what its like” “no dont lie to me dollface, i know you were eyeing that boy” you side eyed him before groaning “is it obvious!” He laughed and took out his lighter.

“Very” “i dont like him” “well he likes you” he took a puff and put the lighter back in his front pocket. “How can you tell” you leaned up against the wall and crossed your arms. “He was only looking at you” he smiled, you smacked your lips. “You have em wrapped on your finger, you should take advantage of that”

“Well i dont wanna hurt people like you!” You whisper yelled. “Its business baby, has been for years” he shrugged. “Well maybe i can change it” “eh, it’s possible” he shrugged “but it aint easy”

You both heard the door get pushed open aggressively and turned around, seeing tom walking up to you. “Woah woah woah, slow your roll” pat said, stepping infront of you. “Can i just talk to her- give me like 20 minutes” “why should i do that” pat dropped the cigarette and stepped on it.

“Because i want to talk to her- if i dont make it back it twenty minutes i swear ill give you everything i have” “i dont want anything, y/n do you wanna go” pat looked back at you. You harshly swallowed before nodding your head, pat stepped aside and tom smiled, pulling your hand and tugging you to run with him.

“Baby” he said out of breath, both of you ran to the trunk of his car. “Y-yes tommy?” “I got you a gift” “what is it!” You perked up and he giggled “something youll never forget” he pulled out his key and opened the trunk, a large gift box with a pink bow on it. “Do you love me y/n?” He asked, looking at you.

“Yeah...i really do” you smiled and bit your lip nodding. “Open it” he muttered, you nervously took the bow out, slowly opening the top of the box “tommy i dont know...” “dont be scared! Open it!!” He edged you on.

Suddenly it started to sprinkle, soon turning into some heavy rain. “Y/n hurry up before you get a cold!” He said sternly and you did, a gasp left your lips as you raised the coat. “You bought it for me” you whispered and he nodded, he took the coat to put it on you, when you were finished your pressed your lips on his roughly, his hands hooking behind your knees to lift you up and put yout legs around his hips.

“I. Love. You. So. Much” you said between kisses. “I know princess, just know id kill for you if i had to” “i would too tommy, i would too” he smiled and pressed his forehead against yours, the rain coming down making your hair frizzy but he could care less, he loved you. “I wish we could be like this forever” you whispered against his lips before kissing him again. “We can baby, I promise” “how tommy?” You rubbed your nose against his “running away” “tommy i cant, you know this-“ “but arent you tired doll, it would just be me and you” he muttered, pinching your legs some.

You bit your lip before pressing a kiss on his lips. “Okay” “really?!” He smiled “yeah yeah lets go!” He carefully dropped you and slammed the trunk closed, he unlocked the car and you both hopped in, on the road you both go.

“I dont have any clothes!” “I can buy you everything you want and more princess, dont worry. Andddd letters. You always write your father some letters pretty girl” he smiled at you.

“Love you” “love you too”

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fanfic #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland fluff #tom holland blurb #mob!tom holland x reader #mob!tom

[warmau]

☆ lovestruck!au jisung find others here: jeno | chenle | haechan

ive never been a good liar

jisung thinks as he keeps his eyes on the familiar city streets 

peddling easily around the corners and up the hills until he comes to a stop in front of the schools main gate

ive never been a good liar, but ive got to learn how to become one. there’s just no way theyre going to live it down when they find out i have a crush on-

“jisung?”

he turns and nearly loses his grip on the handle bars when he sees you

you light up and clasp your hands together

“i knew it was you! are we in the same class this year?”

you’re taking steps closer to him, jisung is aware that your hair is slightly shorter then when he saw you last at the beginning of summer

your backpack is different, youre wearing some kind of necklace he’s never seen before

for what its worth - past the little details jisung wishes he wasnt so vigilant about - you still look like you

you still are the most beautiful person jisung thinks hes ever seen

he drops down to chain his bike to one of the posts before shooting back up to try and formulate some kind of greeting for you

but he doesnt even have to, for his brain goes static when you reach out to touch his shoulder

your eyes go wide, jisung thinks he sees the hold world reflected in them

“you got taller!”

“i-i guess so.”

jisung knows this is off to a bad start.

for one, he feels like he’s sweating through his uniform and the sticky feeling makes his head spin

two, the image of him walking through the class doors with you by his side is going to be cause for uproar in his friend group

and three, the worst of them all, is that somehow in this awkward atmosphere he manages to feel a whole flurry of butterflies spin and flutter in his stomach

because your fingers brush his and you keep laughing about some summer anecdote you’re telling him 

and the sound is like an angel’s hymn

“oh! we are in the same class - i hope we get stuck for cleaning duty together, you can reach the top of the lockers so easily now, huh?”

you reach to pick up jisung’s wrist and hold it high above your head 

he looks down at you

im such a bad liar, the guys are going to ask if i like them and im going to try and say no but im such a bad-

“ooooo am i sensing a summer romance in the air?”

na jaemin twirls over before jisung can even finish his thought

jeno and chenle smirk at his sides as jisung quickly slips his wrist from your hold

“well if it isn’t you troublemakers”

you roll your eyes as jaemin casts another starry-eyed look between you two, chenle - jisung’s closest friend - nudges him in the side

leaning up to whisper in his ear; “did you ask them out?”

jisung clenches his teeth and says; “no, why would i?”

chenle gives him an unconvinced look 

the kind that reads ‘you’re joking right? you obviously like them’

but thankfully chenle is too good of a friend to spill it out loud

or at least jisung hopes thats the case

either way - you get called over by your own friend group and jisung realizes he’s about to face the relentless teasing he’d been dreading

jaemin is smiling at him in that foxish, glinting way and jeno is wiggling his eyebrows

“i dont like them, stop pushing it.”

jisung manages to say 

but something in his voice sounds almost weak

“uhuh”

the three friends of his nod in unison, but when they all pass your desk - they point fingers at jisung’s back and wink

you brush it off and jisung tries to do the same

but he reckons its harder for him since, he ..... actually does like you

as soon as he settles into his seat, he feels something hit his shoulder and fall onto his desk

he opens the note, obviously written in jaemin’s handwriting

its your name, surrounded by hearts and badly drawn kisses

jisung groans and lets his forehead hit the desk 

he was right

he really needs to figure out how to lie better otherwise he’s going to suffer forever

as predicted, jisung’s feelings for you don’t get any smaller

not when you catch up with him as he’s wheeling his bike through the gates every morning

when you end up sitting beside him during gym and leaning so close that you could practically swing your leg over his 

and half of jisung’s mind is screaming and the other half is trying to divert his attention anywhere else but on the fact that you smell like fresh daisies during GYM no less

not when you get paired up for physics lab and jisung realizes that instead of studying you two have been goofing around for an hour 

naturally enjoying each others humor and presence until you look down at your notebooks and there is nothing there but the doodles you did on each others pages

and as predicted, jisung doesn’t get any better at lying

in fact - he thinks he’s getting worse

because now when he gets teased at jaemin for staring at you 

or when jeno and chenle write you and jisung’s name on the chalkboard - getting chased down by the TA

jisung doesn’t even ....... fight it anymore

what’s the point, he could say “no! no i don’t like them!” but no one would believe it

so he just lets it happen, he doesn’t say anything, and he’s too scared to look at your reaction from the corner of his eye

because he knows itll hurt

because he knows youre not lying when you say

“we’re just friends.”

but all of it at some point comes to a head 

because he can’t tell lies anymore 

and you aren’t getting any less perfect in his eyes

so when he walks into the classroom after basketball practice and hears 

“you know, you’re jisung’s ideal type.”

someone - its not even jaemin or jeno or even chenle, its just some random person - says this 

and you, in the quietest syllables ever go

“no, im not.” 

jisung thinks, or actually he doesn’t even think he just knows that 

im such a bad liar.

but that’s a good thing because i always say what i feel.

“yes you are.”

you turn and the room around you disappears 

the corner of your lips go up a little, in that way they always do when you’re nervous

and you say, “what?”

as if you don’t believe it

jisung’s mind has never been more clear than now, when he takes you by the hand and pulls you out into the hallway

all your classmates gather at the door to hear what is going to be said

until chenle jumps up from his seat and catches his bestfriends eye

he nods, closing the door and giving you and jisung some privacy

you still have that look on your face, the one that matches the shocked “what?” you just asked jisung

outside the open window of the hall the sweet scent of hydrangeas floats up 

the reality of the situation is hitting jisung in waves - but he’s already come this far

“i like you.”

he looks to the side and then clears his throat, just to say it again

but this time he adds, “you’re more than my ideal type. you’re you....and everything about you...”

he can’t find the words, he hasn’t experienced being so lovestruck before so its hard

but as he’s sort of trying to collect what to say next, you put your hands on his cheeks and force him to meet your eyes again

you’re smiling, and your eyes are smiling and jisung thinks that before he saw the whole world in them

now he thinks he sees the universe and beyond

you press your lips to his just as the door swings open

you and jisung both turn to look and jaemin is there this time 

“excuse me for the interruption.”

he says, shutting the door with a hard slam once again

you giggle and then look back at jisung, whose so pink the face it looks like hes got a sunburn coming on

“park jisung, i like you too.”

even though you just kissed him, jisung can’t help but ask -

“really?”

“you think you’re the only bad liar? i cant lie to save my life.”

he laughs and feels your hand take his own

the sudden affection almost makes him hiccup as he tries to say something

but his hearts beating so fast he can barely manage the words

its always better to tell the truth anyway, right? 

#nct dream scenarios #nct dream au #jisung scenarios #jisung au #sfw #nct dream #park jisung #nct dream imagines #jisung imagines #lovestruck au #im na jaemin minding other peoples business