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maccreadysimp · 3 years

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breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

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veryvincible · 3 years

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Ive seen a few blogs talking about Tony Stark with OCD and I was wondering what your thoughts on it were? I know it's not canon but would it be an okay headcanon?

Oh, goodness. This is a doozy.

First of all, I do want to give the obligatory "any headcanon is okay" when it comes to stuff like this, because some people do pick up comfort characters that aren't exactly like them and then use headcanons to push their characterization around until they become a more efficient catharsis vessel, and there's really nothing wrong with that in a space where characters are pushed around all the time anyway. Your headcanons are yours, and you interact with media how it best suits you. Just don't go talking like this is The Way The Character Absolutely Definitely Is, because not only is that misleading, but also it's kind of stepping on other people who need different headcanons for other reasons.

Now that that's out of the way.

You've come to the right place! I have actually been diagnosed with OCD and have been dealing with it now for a long, long while; funnily enough, the OCD is what led me to worry about the OCD, which is what led me to research the OCD in-depth for many, many years. Not to brag or anything. B) Like, literally not to brag, because it's a mental illness. Anyway, jokes aside.

I'm going to go by the DSM-5 and personal experience with the diagnostic process for now. I know some people have their gripes with the DSM, but it's what we're going with.

Before that, though, I do want to lay some things down here. Though it's not outlined by the DSM exactly, it's common among mental health professionals and people with OCD to categorize different symptoms based on causes of OCD. Because OCD is inherently ego-dystonic, your intrusive thoughts are going to attack whatever it is you care about most-- people with primarily contaminant symptoms might fear illness, people with primarily aggressive symptoms might fear hurting others, etc. There's no standard for what these categories are, really. Different places teach different things, and some people disregard them entirely. But it's good to know they're out there, some examples being contaminant and aggressive OCD as mentioned before, as well as pathologic doubt/completeness, religion, self-control, and superstition. There are more, less, or different categories depending on where you look, so we can just leave that there.

Now, onto the actual diagnostic criteria.

In order to be diagnosed with OCD, you need the presence of obsessions OR compulsions, OR both. So, you kind of don't need the whole set to have OCD, though it's argued that some people view "primarily obsessive" and "primarily compulsive" types of OCD as... plain old OCD. "Pure O OCD" especially has been criticized, as its based entirely on the concept of compulsions being in one's head as opposed to external, which then raises the question of whether or not we're defining mental illness by the sufferers or the observers. Regardless, this is what the current DSM says: obsessions, compulsions, or both.

They must be time-consuming (>1hr/day), cause clinically significant distress, or cause impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning. So, could you be considered OCD if you're perfectly functional to the outside world but dysfunctional psychologically? Yes! Could you be considered OCD if you're mostly okay with the compulsions (often seen in people who believe their compulsions are rational responses to rational fears), but you can't function in day-to-day life? Yes! OCD is defined by how it affects you, and there are so, so many ways that it can do that.

The symptoms of OCD can't be caused by physiological effects of substance abuse or other medical conditions.

The disturbance cannot be better explained by the symptoms of another disorder (i.e. if excessive worries are better explained by an anxiety disorder, you're more likely to be diagnosed with something along the lines of GAD; if your difficulty discarding possessions is more in line with a hoarding disorders, you're more likely to be diagnosed with a hoarding disorder). One thing I would like to mention here is that this is often where the DSM breaks down when it comes to practice rather than theory. I'd like to specifically outline the example under this segment of the DSM that refers to "guilty ruminations, as in major depressive disorder". By these guidelines, would you be able to have both MDD and OCD if your OCD has mostly intrusive symptoms?

Well, yes, actually. There's a lot of discourse surrounding it, but here's the thing. Diagnosis is something meant to put you into a category so you can either seek treatment or get accommodations. For mental illnesses, physical illnesses... anything. This is it. I myself have both MDD and OCD, and part of why this is, is because there's an overlap between symptoms... but that's all it is. An overlap, borderlining comorbidity. And there are plenty of people who have similar diagnoses.

You'll see why I'm bringing this up in a second.

Let's go back to the diagnostic criteria and take it one-by-one.

Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2):

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress. The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize hem with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).

Does Tony experience obsessions? Well, he very well could.

There used to be a criterion in the now-outdated DSM-IV that outlined obsessions could NOT be "simply excessive worries about real-life problems." But in the DSM-5, this was dropped. So, an obsession, by current standards, most certainly can be defined as an excessive worry about real-life problems.

Whether or not Tony's worry is excessive is debatable. We're all aware of Clint's sentiment in New Avengers that basically boils the team's state of being down to "we're extraordinary people, so we have extraordinary problems." Tony's worries are extraordinary, but... are they excessive?

I could go either way on this argument. Due to Tony's massive influence and his feelings of responsibility, we can all see why these worries might be considered realistic and average. But it's those feelings of responsibility that would make a better argument for "excessiveness"; he has taken the stance quite a few times that he's been "the only one who could see what needed to be done", or something akin to that, at least. It's not just that he has serious problems and he's concerned about serious solutions. It's that he feels such a sense of responsibility and guilt that every single problem on the planet happens to be a problem he's obligated to consider by his own standards, and if he doesn't consider those problems, he's an awful garbage man. Again, by his own standards.

One could also easily argue that he could fall prey to both aggressive-type obsessions and pathologic doubt-type obsessions, given that he's terrified of hurting people or causing harm unknowingly and that he's never 100% sure of himself, always "almost certain", and often looking to others (like Happy in Civil War, for example) to vent and try to half-validate himself as someone who really is doing the right thing.

These very obviously cause him distress, and one could argue that his Atlas-like anxiety with regards to keeping the world afloat is a huge factor in his mental cycle of thinking he's not doing enough, which means he's not enough, which means he deserves to die, which means he actually should die if he's not doing anything right, which means he has to try really, really hard to do things right, but he'll never do everything he needs to do, so he's not doing enough, so he's not enough, so he deserves to die.

And the alcoholism could easily come into play here, being a default coping mechanism for almost anything he'd encountered, obsessive or otherwise.

Now for compulsions.

Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2):

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly. The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive.

So, we're going back to the obsessions outlined earlier. One thing I neglected to mention there was what he's referred to as one of his biggest fears, and I neglected to mention it because of how it ties into potential compulsions.

He's mentioned that someone "taking over his brain" is possibly the worst thing that could happen to him, given that he is a man with incredible influence and incredible intelligence and if his mind falls into the wrong hands, it could have (and has had) disastrous consequences. We see a lot of Tony trying to protect his mind as a result, always having backups, always having alternatives, always having contingency plans. This could also be considered a response to an obsession with regards to “mental contamination”, which makes sense.

It's similar with the responsibility-induced anxiety; he made how many AIs, now? He quite literally can't let himself die. He needs to be up, awake, present, alive. He needs to continue doing The Right Thing. We see the same sorts of behaviors even when he's alive and kicking-- he's often in his lab into the late hours of the night. He canonically works multiple jobs at his company. He runs around holding babies around the world, for God's sake. He believes everything deserves to be cared for, loved, and he believes he has to be the one to love it, and so he does, taking up so much of his time and so much of his energy every single day in a desperate attempt to make sure he's done all he can.

This is a man whose every day life could be considered scheduled compulsions if you really wanted it to be, one after the other, in a never-ending cycle of behaviors that he canonically won't ever be satisfied with.

Tony certainly could have obsessions. He certainly could have compulsions. He certainly could have OCD.

It's worth it to mention that self-blame, even for the smallest little details, is extremely common in people with OCD, and... That's also a very Tony thing, isn't it?

All that to say...

Do I think he does?

Well, not... really. I mean, I don't very, very strongly believe that he doesn't. And a lot of neurodivergent people have created incredibly thorough explanations as to why a character not intended to be one way might still be that way-- not even as a headcanon, but quite literally, they just are that way. This is especially common among characters coded (intentionally or otherwise) to have things like autism and ADHD. Whether or not a character "has" something is difficult to decipher, but if you can outline all the symptoms and you can't come up with any other explanation for them, then, well... You've got a neurodivergent character on your hands.

But that's the thing. You certainly can explain Tony's feelings and decisions with a diagnosis of MDD and alcohol abuse. You can. Plenty of people don't really want to, especially with some more toxic beliefs in the mental health community that regard less stigmatized illnesses as somehow also less severe or less validating, and regards MDD as "just depression" in a way that more stigmatized illnesses aren't.

I don't feel terribly represented in Tony as someone with OCD-- I feel represented with almost every aspect of his struggles with mental health, but I rarely ever read through comics going, "there! There's my OCD thing!" Which isn't to say that it's never happened on a subconscious level, because... I mean, illness bleeds into every aspect of you. It's terribly difficult to find where one part of you ends and the other begins when there's so much overlap. But personally, Tony having OCD isn’t something that I really consider when I read or write (which is part of why I like having Ty Stone around so much-- I can pin a bunch of shit on him that I think Tony doesn’t have, and then I get to write everything I want while still keeping things true to the way I see them).

There are other sufferers of OCD who must certainly relate to Tony, and probably exclusively go "There's my OCD thing!" while reading his comics. I can see why.

So, again.

Do I think he has OCD? Eh. Not really my thing. But I think canon does what canon does, mental illnesses have plenty of overlap, and he meets the criteria enough that if you were to say he had both MDD and OCD, I wouldn't feel any reason to argue, especially if you’re saying it to better relate to him.

#cassks #suicide tw #sort of #ocd #is there a tag that means 'this talks about ocd but in a way that might trigger ocd'#because if there is. please tell me #i have thought many times that it would be cool to have a tag like this at some point #i'm very tired if there are any tags you want here just let me know

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juni-ravenhall · 4 years

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my abuse & pandoria

theres a thing i havent talked about at all with juni’s story (bc i wanted to write or draw it out and not just talk about it as a meta thing) and i suddenly realised that the stuff ive thought about regarding my irl life history lately makes that part of the story even more important to me........

basically juni has a brother who’s been stuck in pandoria for his whole life (and from the beginning i decided this bc juni has always represented my hope and strength and health and happiness, but her brother represents my ‘real self’ full of distress and depression and fuckedupness and dissociation etc).

and lately i realised just how much my whole irl life has been living in ‘wonderland’, in the sense that nothing has ever been normal or followed normal logic or made sense. my parents r crazy, and sadly my 2 younger siblings (who i love) have had a lot of difficult behaviours due to our shared parental abuse but the thing is its caused them to also treat me badly in some ways, and to behave irrationally and nonsensically in many many ways, and i didnt face this until this month. i always excused the things theyve said or done that affected me bc ‘theyre just victims and they cant help it, and i love them’. then bring in 10 years of being with my husband whose abuse made me suicidal in 2017. then add on, bullying at school, shaming and other toxic behaviours from other relatives, friends and random people, etc.

as examples for what its like to live in ‘abuse wonderland’, basically read about gaslighting. secondarily, my mom is basically like a 1 person cult and me and my younger siblings were born into this cult that is her state of mind. she has a personal belief system that is really unhealthy just like everything else about her. a lot of these lists about things that victims of cults suffer from, are the same for me.

the relationship im now in with my best friend makes me cry a lot out of just shock and confusion about what its like to be in a healthy relationship with someone who actually loves you and cares about you, being treated like a person with value. it feels like being pulled out of wonderland and its really shocking and disturbing and really important. its hard to face the actual level of how badly ive been treated and how far away ive been from ‘normal life’, actual love and healthy things.

the point im getting to is, i realised just this week that junis brother being stuck in pandoria is literally what it is. ive been stuck in pandoria (wonderland) this whole time. the world around me (aka the social situation) doesnt follow normal real world logic or rules, its eaten at my energy (both physical and emotional) for my whole life because its extremely stressful and exhausting and confusing to live in these circumstances. and finally when i was 28, it reached the point where i became suicidal bc i didnt see any way out anymore, i lost all hope that i was clinging on to desperately until then, and felt completely void. ive worked hard since then until now to both ‘not kill myself’ and to rebuild my ability to feel things and have hope.

im turning 31 on june 13th (soon!!!!!) and half a year ago i was fairly sure i wouldnt live to see my next bday. already 30 seemed like it had been an impossible battle that i somehow reached by extreme struggles and perseverance but ‘this was it’. i didnt think i could do it for another year anymore. i had many ‘suicide scares’ and very extreme panic attacks in this past year, until february of this year.

since february (which is when my life changed bc i realised i was in love with my best friend and it thoroughly turned my core upside down) i havent been suicidal. but i feel basically that when it happened, suddenly someone arrived and met me in pandoria/wonderland and stayed with me and said theyre going to get me out, even if i couldnt get out yet. and its been really hard to internalise it for these past 2.5 months. but she keeps proving that she really means it and that she really is here for me (and im here for her). instead of turning on me like everyone else, i feel her love stronger and not weaker. we both have bad days but thats why i say, every WEEK it gets better. every week that passes i feel like im getting a step closer to leaving this place emotionally, and someday physically.

juni has always represented my own strength and goals about feeling safe and happy and confident and im happy shes here for me too. (before her ive had many other personas that r similar and ive also used the sibling symbolism of my 2 sides before, but i wasnt aware of WHY i was doing it, i just liked giving my persona a sibling but didnt know why)

anway thats my long post about being stuck in pandoria.

#my post #text post #long post #abuse #mental illness #depression #suicidal #trigger warning #content warning #personal

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possiblyimbiassed · 6 years

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What happened to Sherlock? Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (2)

This is the second post of the fourth installment of my meta series where I try to use Sherlock’s own methods to find out what’s happened to him in the show; you can read the first one here. This is about my hypothesis #4: At some point in time between TSoT and HLV, Sherlock takes an overdose of drugs and ends up in coma. In the first post I tested a prediction to try to verify the coma part. Here are the remaining four predictions that I’ll test the same way, corresponding to the rest of my hypothesis. Since this post won’t make much sense unless you’ve read the first one, and since this is also a monster-post, I’ll put the whole thing under the cut, except for this picture of a comatose hospitalized Sherlock in TLD:

Disclaimer: If you feel the subject matter upsetting, please don’t read further - take care and stay safe! I also want to state that no matter what happens in S4 - like nurse Cornish said in TLD, I’m fully convinced Sherlock will survive this. He will pull through and solve The Final Problem - staying alive.

Prediction #2: It will be possible to deduce from events in the show that Sherlock might have harmed himself, and even overdosed.

Observations: There are some scenes - mostly in TAB and TLD - which indicate that Sherlock’s state of health might indeed be self-inflicted (at least on the surface). The most obvious ones, in my opinion, are:

1. Sherlock’s OD in the airplane scenes in TAB is treated like a fact, but people aren’t acting accordingly. The case is complete with backstory from Mycroft, Dr Watson saying this cocktail of drugs could kill Sherlock...

...and assassin nurse ‘Mary’ suggesting he should be in hospital. And we know from TBB that John has specialist skills in being “able to recognize and give immediate and appropriate treatment to a wide range of medical and surgical conditions including --- poisoning/overdose” (among other things), because this is explicitly stated in his CV. It’s also obvious in this scene that Sherlock has administered the drugs on himself.

But the obviously logical procedure after his OD - taking Sherlock to hospital to try to restore his body functions and maybe save his life - does not happen; no-one disputes Sherlock’s decision to not receive medical treatment. So here we have a person who might just have tried to take his own life with a potentially lethal dose of drugs, but Dr Watson doesn’t even examine him. It’s glossed over as if nothing serious has happened, and no-one reacts properly to it; Sherlock himself acts as if he’s already miraculously recovered, and the others just let him carry on. This is not realistic, it’s not how an overdosed person possibly could behave. Which indicates that this is all taking place inside Sherlock’s brain; it’s Sherlock who wants to gloss over the serious consequences, even though he feels ashamed. Conclusion: the emphasis at Sherlocks OD as such might mean it’s true, but the timeline might be warped and the reactions following the OD twisted because of Sherlock’s drug-induced state.

2. In S4 there are references to self-harm marks on both Faith’s and Sherlock’s arms. The scenes in TLD where Sherlock talks to Faith about self-harm, deducing that her relationship had ended, that she wasn’t ‘getting any’, that she must have scars of self-harm on her left underarm and that her ‘boyfriend’ didn’t notice, are very telling:

But if ‘Faith’ was actually Euros, what was her purpose of first making Sherlock think she was suicidal and then just disappear? I see it as more likely that this is all about Sherlock processing his own relationship with John. Sherlock might have been sexually frustrated for a long time, because nothing ever happened between them. But at the same time Sherlock wasn’t really in touch with his feelings and basically horrified to ever talk about it with John (greenhouse scene in TAB is testimony). It’s possible that Sherlock had started using again when John had decided to get married (like he did in canon) and had scars of the syringe on his left underarm, but John didn’t notice this, because he wasn’t there. ‘Self-harm’ in this case equals drug use.

3. Nurse Cornish tells John in TLD that Sherlock has ‘made a mess of himself’, when what we actually saw was John assaulting him.

But why would the nurse in charge blame the victim in front of the perpetrator? And why all this glossing over the fact that John Watson attacked and beat up his friend to the point of hospitalizing him? Sounds very much like Sherlock’s guilt to me, like he’s actually processing the consequences of what he’s done to himself (his OD) in his Extended Mind Palace.

It also seems like Sherlock is re-hashing things in his EMP, because we already have a scene from the very first episode, where someone accuses Sherlock of having ‘made a mess’:

4. In TFP we learn that Euros cut herself when she was a kid “to see how my muscles worked”. The parents thought it was a suicide attempt. But little Euros is standing here between them, as if the case was being analyzed in Sherlock’s Mind Palace.

So what if Euros is actually a part of Sherlock himself? If S4 all happens inside Sherlock’s head, this could very well be the case. Which means that Sherlock might have been the one to harm himself as a kid.

5. As I’ve tried to show in this meta, suicide is one of the major themes in this show. It has been referred to or implied so many times, rubbed in so thoroughly, that it’s rather upsetting. This is a very serious topic, and I doubt the show-makers intend to treat it lightly. I’d rather believe they want to catch our attention with it, to contemplate the dire consequences to other people of Sherlock’s OD. Just like I think Sherlock himself does in TLD, when he warns ‘Faith’...

...and throws her gun in the Thames...

...and argues the point:

6. And then there’s ACD canon. Before Holmes ’falls’ with Moriarty in the Reichenbach Fall (The Final Problem) he leaves a note to Watson (= a classic reference to suicide). It’s believed that Doyle’s intention was to let him die and end the story with Watson living an ordinary life with his wife and only nostalgic memories left from his time with Holmes. But the fans protested and insisted for years until ACD ‘resurrected’ Holmes and published new stories. So if ACD almost ‘killed off’ this great character in canon, wouldn’t it be rather canon compliant of Mofftiss to almost do the same thing? One of the canon stories is also named ‘The Dying Detective’, but in BBC Sherlock they’ve changed the name to ‘The Lying Detective’ - maybe in order to not make it too obvious?

7. On a meta level, would there be any reasons for the character of Sherlock Holmes to try to commit suicide? Well, yes; I think there are plenty of hints that there might be. And I believe @tjlcisthenewsexy puts the finger exactly on those reasons in this excellent meta (my bolding): “If a person takes their own life due to depression directly caused by a heterocentric culture and institutionalized homophobia, then is it really suicide? Or is it murder?” I think this issue was raised by Sherlock already in the first episode, albeit in a slightly less obvious way; the victims of the serial killer were persuaded to take their own life when the killer put pressure on them.

Same thing basically happened in TRF, when Moriarty pressured Sherlock to jump. And in HLV when Lord Smallwood committed suicide after CAM (=Media as a villain) put pressure on him with blackmail. But the real culprit isn’t the victim; it’s society’s norms and attitudes that pressure them. The issue of homophobia isn’t of course openly addressed in BBC Sherlock, but I think it’s heavily implied for us to read between the lines.

Prediction #3: There will be abundant references to Sherlock’s drugs use, since this is the proximate cause of his state and therefore constantly on his mind.

Why do we see an IV drip with morphine in HLV? Well, this is the episode where Sherlock gets shot in the chest, so naturally he needs morphine as painkiller… But wait a minute; wouldn’t his brother have informed the hospital staff of the risks of giving Sherlock morphine, seeing as he’s a drug addict? And then there’s Janine’s comment:

Observations: There are several drug-related things in HLV that don’t really make sense.

Firstly, after knowing him for merely a month, Janine seems to be very much aware of Sherlock’s drug dependence. But if she is already this knowledgeable, why did he have to tell her that he had been ‘working’ when he had actually been sleeping in a drug den (and she seemed to buy it)? But if she didn’t know about the drugs, who had suddenly told her now?

Secondly, for some odd reason, Sherlock’s drug use seems to be a far bigger issue than his shot wound. A gun is used three times in HLV (twice on a human). But there’s a whole bunch of different drug use references, most of which have to do with Sherlock: a) Isaac Whitney, b) Sherlock found in a drug den, c) Sherlock’s blood tested for drugs at Barts, d) Mycroft gathering Sherlock’s ‘fans’ to search 221B for drugs, e) “Don’t appall me when I’m high”, f) IV morphine drip, h) Janine’s comment about drugs being Sherlock’s dream, i) CAM ‘reading’ opium and morphine as pressure points for Sherlock, j) Mrs Hudson ‘running a drug cartel’ and k) Sherlock having Billy drug his whole family. So there are far more references to drug use than to Sherlock almost dying from a gun shot, which is glossed over; no-one seems to really care about his shot wound or chest pain until he falls apart. Mrs Hudson doesn’t seem overly worried when she learns Sherlock has escaped from the hospital. John - his doctor friend - even yells at him to shut up, and threatens to kill him, when he’s supposedly already dying for the second time:

And Sherlock himself starts to talk about ‘surgery’ and the murderer calling the ambulance and other pieces of absurd, illogical nonsense to gloss over the shot wound, which is now threatening his life again. While at the same time claiming that his drug abuse is actually real; he only solves crimes as a substitute for being high...

At Christmas in HLV Sherlock’s own parents are fussing more over pregnant ‘Mary’ than over their own shot-wounded son. He’s fresh home from months in hospital but doesn’t even move strangely. In hospital he had only a plaster over the shot wound, no bruising visible. This is not realistic in my opinion; if Sherlock was really shot wounded, he wouldn’t have been able to escape by the hospital window in the first place. How did he manage to bring the wheelchair with him, by the way, complete with attached IV-drip of morphine?

The idea of Sherlock risking his life again; all this mystic, dangerous and elaborated scheme to track down ‘Mary’ and confront her with her crime - and for what? Only to then dismiss the shooting as ‘surgery’ that ‘saved his life’ in order to persuade John to stay with her? It’s just not credible; this is more reminiscent of an action movie (Bond?) derailing into absurdity. I think what all these signs tell us is that Sherlock’s real problem isn’t the supposed shot wound; it’s a drug-related problem.

So, now that we’ve established at least the possibility of Sherlock having OD:d on drugs and ended up in coma as a result, we arrive to the point of determining more precisely when it happened.

Prediction #4: If Sherlock falls into coma, there would be a credibility change/difference between ‘before’ and ‘after’ the OD.

Now this is a hard one, because in BBC Sherlock there’s generally a very subtle line between ‘reality’ and ‘imagination’. There are a series of weird events in the whole show that I find it hard to believe in, and many of them happen before HLV…

Irene’s mystic break-ins into 221B which no-one had noticed (ASiB)

Sherlock being visited by Moriarty at 221B after the trial in TRF, before even John got there

Sherlock having a conversation with Moriarty on the rooftop in TRF (how did Sherlock predict that Jim would have him jump off a rooftop in particular and therefore made his arrangement of faked death based on this?)

Anderson’s sudden metamorphosis into being Sherlock’s fan-club (MHR)

Torture scene in Serbia and Mycroft’s cruel behaviour there (TEH)

Soldiers who don’t feel when they’re being stabbed in the back in TSoT. (This is such a crazy idea, and the given explanation we have is hard to believe)

These things are weird and not very realistic, but at least they might contain a grain of truth somewhere, albeit dramatized. But in HLV and onwards it does get far worse, in my opinion, when people start acting way out of character or doing absurd or outright impossible things. These could be signs that the events from HLV and onwards are fabricated by Sherlock’s brain, rather than representing ‘real’ things that have actually happened.

Out of character As for acting OOC, I think John’s behaviour has some ups and downs in the show, but in HLV he gets abominable to a point of no return; the idea that he would stay together with ‘Mary’ after she shot his best friend is highly unbelievable - pregnancy or not (in fact it’s even less believable that John would find an assassin, who should be in prison and who attempted to kill his friend, fit to raise their child). And the top of the mountain then comes in TLD, when John assaults Sherlock and acts as if it’s all Sherlock’s own fault. No credibility left.

But I’d still say that it’s an even bigger OOC development to have the world’s most famous detective stop solving crimes and start committing them instead.

Because as far as I can see, crime solving ends with TSoT; after that, Sherlock doesn't solve a single crime case that hasn't directly to do with his own private life: • He fails to solve lady Smallwood’s blackmail case, which instead ends with lord Smallwood's suicide.

• He fails to capture CAM, the criminal who caused this; instead he murders him. The famous crime solver is now a criminal instead. • He fails to solve Emilia Ricolettis case in his own mind; the person he thought was guilty turns out to be Moriarty instead - who is supposed to be dead. • He fails to solve the mystery of why Moriarty's ‘Miss me?’ video is on every screen in the country, which was supposedly the reason for bringing him back to London. • He fails to save a single one of the Thatcher busts from destruction and why would he want to do that anyway; he even smashes the last one himself! • He fails to find the stolen Black pearl of the Borgias; instead he finds the AGRA stick from Mary's assassin gang. • In a highly doubtable deduction sequence without any kind of evidence, Sherlock decides that Charlie Wellsborough's death is no crime at all; he just had an unfortunately badly timed “seizure” in an extremely weird situation. • He fails to solve the Norbury case, which would exonerate ‘Mary’ from accusations of treason; instead ‘Mary’ dies in a most incredible and over-dramatized way which is physically impossible. • He tries to prove that Culverton Smith is a serial killer, but the only thing he manages to prove is that Smith can try to kill him, Sherlock, on his own request. Supposedly, Smith 'can't stop confessing' after that, but we never get to see or know any of these confessions. • The rest of the show (TFP) is exclusively about Sherlock's own family problems. The only 'outsider' crime cases he tries to solve - his sister's death threats against Sherrinford's governor with wife and the three Garrideb brothers - are complete failures; they all die. He believes he saves Molly's life by forcing her to confess that she loves him, but Euros tells him there was never any danger. Failure again. This is rather far away from canon, where Holmes kept solving crimes even after retirement, isn’t it?

But in this show, after TSoT, there’s only one thing that the genius detective manages to do right: he saves John Watson from the bottom of a well. By solving a puzzle.

So yes - I think these things show a huge difference in credibility between 'before' and 'after' TSoT; the world's most famous detective has stopped solving crimes! (But what about all the cases that were supposedly solved by Sherlock 'spinning plates' in TST, you might ask? Not to worry, I'll get back to that later ;))

As for HLV, I think this is the episode where things start getting completely out of control for Sherlock, indicating that he is actually no longer conscious. Which would mean he doesn’t experience new events in the show’s reality, but his brain keeps re-hashing memories, combining them in new ways to solve Sherlock’s personal problems. Apart from the OOC arguments explained above, I tried to point out a series of others in this meta, connected to Janine’s character. We haven’t seen much of her, but in HLV she appears to be a person with less than average intelligence, which I think she didn’t in TSoT:

Why would Janine risk her employment to let Sherlock sneak into her boss’ high security office at night when she knew he was there?

Why would Janine believe that Sherlock would propose to her after they had known each other for a month and he had just left her waiting for him the whole night in his flat without knowing where he was?

If Janine and Sherlock haven’t had sex (because of his reluctance), how come she all confidently just gets into the shower with him?

How can Janine miss out on all the mayhem at 221B - a ‘drugs bust’ with several people present, Mycroft being slammed into the wall, Sherlock talking about her boss as a monster, etc.?

Janine just doesn’t behave in a logical manner in HLV. It. Doesn’t. Make.Sense.

Impossible The first outright impossible thing I can spot, is ‘Mary’ getting into CAM’s office faster than Sherlock. Sherlock makes a whole lot of effort explaining to John that the only way to get into CAM’s office is by his private lift, and just how difficult that is.

Anyone who tried to climb up wouldn’t just need the agility of a circus artist like the ‘spider’ in TBB; they would have to climb the façade, break into the flat and knock two people down in basically no time. I think we can safely say that it’s physically impossible to climb a building of 32 floors and manage all that in less than 45 seconds (which is the time it takes for Sherlock and John to go up with the lift after Janine has let Sherlock in).

Some people may want to talk about ‘artistic license’ here, and claim that this is just entertainment, this is just the show makers twisting reality a bit to make their show more exciting. But don’t forget the major weakness of this argument: if we excuse one clearly impossible thing with ‘artistic license’, then we must be prepared to excuse all of them the same way. Which means that the whole rational basis of Sherlock Holmes’ own methods in this show becomes invalid, because then there are no deductions to be made, since nature laws and reality as we know it don’t exist ‘in-show’. Which could very well be the case, as I see it, if nothing in this show is meant to make sense - or if there’s still a coherent plot-line somewhere, but the events we do see are mainly taking place inside Sherlock’s head. But my idea here was still to try to pinpoint a change, a difference in levels of weirdness, between ‘before’ and ‘after’ Sherlock’s presumed OD.

Prediction #5: There will be time- and place-references that coincide with a possible OD directly after TSoT

If Sherlock would take to kill himself, where would it happen, when and how?

Well, I think Sherlock already explains it to Lestrade in this ‘script’ from ASiP published on BBC’s website, where we get this (supposedly) cut out scene:

In other words: Sherlock would kill himself, but in a different time and place, presumably a) after leaving a note and b) after some ‘prior sign’s. And c) he’d do it in a familiar place that means something to him. So, to track down the point in time when Sherlock might have done this, we need to determine a) when he has left some kind of note and b) what ‘prior signs’ that could have preceded this.

Observations

Point in time: As for a), in TAB, after realising that Sherlock has OD:d, we learn that he has made a list of all the drugs that he’s taken; a promise to his brother since years ago. That’s a kind of note – isn’t it? A note that could help saving his life after an overdose.

But there are also hints that TAB isn’t the real time of the OD event:

JOHN: He couldn’t have taken all of that in the last five minutes. MYCROFT: He was high before he got on the plane. MARY: He didn’t seem high. MYCROFT: Nobody deceives like an addict.

But wait; could Sherlock really have overdosed on drugs and after that performed the whole scene at the tarmac? Where he says goodbye to John, jokes with him and makes a whole little coherent speech about the Game and the East Wind? Not very likely for a person who has OD:d if you ask me…

And then there’s also the fact I pointed out in my last meta (X); that Mycroft talks about this OD coming after a ‘week in solitary confinement’ when Sherlock was locked up with his worst enemy - himself. I think this week could well be the time John was on ‘sex holiday’ after the wedding. If the shooting of CAM wasn’t real (which is supported by the easiness with which Sherlock gets away with murder without any kind of lasting consequence), neither has there been any imprisonment. I can rather imagine Sherlock isolating and locking himself in at 221B for a week, trying to alleviate his pain and heartbreak with drugs after John’s wedding.

Regarding the turn of events after a presumed OD which we don’t actually see, @sagestreet has made a whole reconstruction of how the things could possibly have happened in one of the additions to this meta (please scroll down to the subtitle “TIMELINE FOR A POSSIBLE OD-AFTER-THE-WEDDING SCENARIO”.

There’s also a note playing a central role in TLD, and I’ve tried to elaborate on this in these two metas: (X, X). The episode TLD seems to take place long after John’s wedding, when he already has a daughter. But what if this is actually not the case? What if the whole of TLD just represents Sherlock’s brain going through events that actually happened immediately after the wedding? (Or even immediately after his faked suicide, in some cases)?

Geographic place: The whole sequence in TLD about Sherlock isolating himself in 221B, resorting to an intensive drug abuse that is basically killing him, could be showing what really happened with him directly after the wedding. John has (supposedly) abandoned him (honeymoon?) and he’s turning nuts, talking to himself (Billy Wiggins), shooting the walls and playing out a Shakespeare drama all by himself.

221B would also fit with c), ‘a familiar place that means something’ to Sherlock. The events might in fact be showing some kind of reality, perhaps it’s just the time of them that is twisted and misplaced. Which would seem likely, if this is Sherlock processing his distorted memories of those events inside his still drug-addled brain. On the other hand, the prison where he allegedly would have taken the drugs and got high, before meeting up at the tarmac to board the airplane; none of these places would have the slightest personal meaning to Sherlock, would they? So where exactly is he more likely to take an overdose according to the deleted scene manuscript; in prison or in 221B? I think the answer here is clear.

Prior signs: Regarding b), I’ve already talked about the signs of self-harm in TLD that John doesn’t seem to either notice or acknowledge. The drug abuse is one clear sign of self-harm, but there’s also more subtle things, like Sherlock basically abandoning his job (which he was supposedly ‘married to’) to take over John’s wedding planning; something he would normally find mundane and probably despise. He even tells John’s and Mary’s wedding guests in his speech how utterly useless the ‘wedding tradition’ is. So why does Sherlock even do this? John and Mary would be fully capable of planning their own wedding, wouldn’t they? I think it’s a form of self-harm, self-punishment or maybe even self-imposed martyrdom - “a cross I have to bear” as he tells John, referring to his ‘ordinary’ parents.

The ‘delayed backstabbing’ in TSoT also makes for a dramatic metaphor about what happens to Sherlock; if he’s the un-seen murder victim of this wedding, the effect of it doesn’t play out until afterwards, when he’s left to his own gloomy thoughts and feelings of abandonment in 221B. Which would mean the delayed back-stabbing was a prior sign to Sherlock’s later ‘bleed-out’.

It’s also interesting to speculate about exactly when this actual back-stabbing took place. We never get to see the wedding act in TSoT, but we do see the moment when it dawns upon Sherlock that Mary is pregnant. I think Sherlock’s realization of her pregnancy is the last nail in the coffin; that's what ultimately breaks his heart. It’s not until after this moment that Sherlock leaves the party; a marriage can be dissolved, but a child is a child and it will always be John’s responsibility. Which basically means the definite end of their crime-solving life together...

But I think the most important piece of evidence about the time of Sherlock’s possible suicide attempt taking place immediately after John’s wedding is this:

John’s blog stops updating at this point. The blog also took a pause after TRF, but the current gap is definitely the longest. All this time we’ve had John’s blog as a more ‘sober’ account of the events; a ‘second opinion’, if you like, to what I believe the show is: Sherlock’s more colourful and dramatic tale of their life together. Sherlock hacks the blog and posts one last instalment before the blog dies completely. I believe this last post can be seen as Sherlock’s ‘note’, which I’ve tried to explain in these two metas X , X.

But what about the blog cases of S4? In TST we see a lot of cases listed by John’s supposed blogging; so many in fact that John tells Sherlock that he can’t go on ‘spinning plates’. Yes, it sounds promising, but since a) John is typing on a jpg-file (which is technically impossible, unless you convert it to or integrate it in another format),

and b) there are no references on the real blog to these new ‘cases’, I’d say that none of these cases are realistic. Which probably means they are fabricated by Sherlock’s brain - some of them are even rip-offs from old cases, like The Six Thatchers.

Last but not least: on a meta level, is there a certain significance to TSoT as an episode that makes it a good time reference for being the point after which Sherlock passes to a comatose state? This analysis isn’t mainly intended to reflect a meta level of the show, it rather focuses on the textual level. That doesn’t mean, however, that I find the meta level unimportant. There are quite a few tumblr analysts that have expanded on the form and shape of this show; its ‘messages’, arguments and conclusions on a meta level. For example, @garkgatiss has published several very thorough analyses of the overall pattern of BBC Sherlock as a five-act drama. In the latest one, dedicated to analyzing Bond and Hannibal references, @garkgatiss points out this about the symmetry pattern of S3 (my bolding):

“S3 doesn’t follow the same Bond/Hannibal triad structure as S2 and S4, and we shouldn’t expect it to. Nevertheless, we still find Bond and Hannibal in TEH and HLV — TEH ‘revives’ the myth of Sherlock Holmes that was destroyed in TRF when Sherlock returns from being dead and proves he was not a fraud after all, and HLV gives Sherlock the Clarice Starling creation myth, as befits the true hero of the story. TSOT, as the overall midpoint of the show, serves its own distinct function in the story that I plan to cover in full at some point, but not here”.

So, TSoT represents the midpoint of the story. It’s also the point after which, I believe, Sherlock enters his comatose state and resorts to pure speculation about the future. Or, should I rather say, he resorts to modeling the emotionally devastating consequences of his own choices, in a series of worst-case scenarios, which are basically S4, but start already in HLV. Which would mean yet another indication of the story arc being symmetric, with the figurative ‘murder case’ in the middle; Sherlock’s heart breaks when John not only marries ‘Mary Morstan’, but even starts a family with her. Because Sherlock’s discovery in TSoT of ‘Mary’s pregnancy will (in Sherlock’s mind) most certainly mean that John’s days as a companion to Sherlock’s crime solving are counted. A responsible father wouldn’t run around risking his life on a daily basis, would he? So yes - to me TSoT undoubtedly marks a midpoint in this story.

So, to sum it up once again: my belief is that this show is totally happening within Sherlock’s head, from his PoV. But there’s a distinction between what happens before TSoT and after; in the former case Sherlock voluntarily goes through his memories with John, based on reading his blog. In the latter, I think Sherlock’s body is in coma due to an OD, but his mind is racing, thus the extra weirdness.

Summary

In brief, I think Sherlock Holmes has some serious stuff that he needs to deal with, and so has John Watson, even if maybe Sherlock’s issues are the worst. And in S4 Shelock does; he goes from being someone who constantly tries to detach his brain from its inconvenient ‘transport’ of a body, to someone who ultimately allows himself to care deeply and truly. And I believe that’s basically what this show is about: the long and winding road to freedom, the mental journey home to 221B. And on this inner journey, he has to go through hell, which means pain, heartbreak and loss, but also insight and realization. But since this is also the story of a truly brilliant and remarkable human being and his only ’feature of interest’; an extremely competent, brave and loyal person, there’s good hope that they can actually help each other. They just need to overcome their worst adversaries first; their own internalized heteronormativity and homophobia, imposed on them by society.

I think one of the most interesting things with Sherlock’s process is to see that it’s actually his brain that saves him. While Sherlock’s intense emotions lead him to desperate actions that cause a comatose state in his body, his brain still refuses to give up, because it needs to understand. Which - seemingly paradoxically - leads him to seek contact with his own feelings and thereby solve the problem - the final problem. This character development is indeed extraordinary.

Phew! I’m truly grateful for those of you who might have managed to read through these two monster posts. :) The next installment of this meta series - which will hopefully be a bit shorter - will handle Hypothesis #5: Almost everything we see happen in HLV, TAB and S4 is Sherlock ‘running scenarios’ in his mind, based on a mix of his earlier memories and movies he has watched.

Tagging some people who might be interested: @raggedyblue @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @fellshish @sagestreet @tendergingergirl @loveismyrevolution @sherlockshadow @darlingtonsubstitution @tjlcisthenewsexy @devoursjohnlock @kateis-cakeis @csi-baker-street-babes @sectoralheterochromiairidum @mrskolesouniverse

#sherlock is in coma #sherlock's od #emp theory #heartbreak and coma

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leamen · 3 years

Text

Reassurance

my friend met a friendly homeless guy the other night who showed him a community shelter and the idiot gives him acid as thanks even though the homeless guy was already clearly on other drugs and at the shelter the homeless guy blacked out and they kicked my friend out well they told him to come back a few hours later but my friend just ran away scared today a group of homeless guys went up to him at the park and said "well look who decided to show his face" he ran away he's been hearing things all day and a couple hours ago he told me he was hearing people talking about him as the killer bc he thinks he killed the homeless guy i really don't know if he's delusional or if something really really bad happened but he can't spend another night on the streets it's cold in montreal now i booked him a hotel room in the city and told him to rest up and we'll figure something out tomorrow and this fucking guy sends me a dick pic as a joke saying it was a selfie i'm sure he's just exhausted and delirious but i'm kind of upset he better be embarrased and apologize tomorrow morning i spent 300 dollars on his hotel bc he's in downtown i was so worried

lol he seems a funny guy the best he can do rn is get some good rest n food n water in him. hopefully getting his basic needs fulfilled will get the voices away how’d u two meet

we haven't met yet but i've known him on discord for a couple years he moved to montreal from alberta on my insistence he was depressed and his life was going nowhere and i felt the same living in new york until i moved to toronto i really opened up there and i thought him moving to montreal would be the same for him

did it end up worse?

but he ran out from his job last month yea couldn't pay rent and now he's homeless

wdym he ran out

he had a panic attack and stopped showing up

what was his job

at a restaurant i feel like an idiot when i moved to toronto i had at least a couple friends there and my mom knew people there i lived on couches my first month there and my friends helped me a lot but this guy went in totally alone i really should have known i feel really bad that's why i'm moving to montreal next month to help get him out of the mess i sent him in he thinks i'm being a good friend right now but fuck i'm really an idiot

so ur just gonna throw away everything u have in toronto?

i already did over a year ago when i lost my job in toronto and had to come back to new york at the start of the pandemic i lost all my friends way of life a lot of things important to me

cuz of the pandemic?

the pandemic

i met a girl i loved very much and i watched our relationship crumble and turn bitter over the course of a year we should have broke up when i left i thought going back to school would help fill me with purpose but i just crumbled in school too and now i'm taking another gap year im just fucking everything up

no ur not. ur putting in as much effort as u can in one shitty situation after another whatever the outcome is, ur heart is in the right place eventually things will straighten out. there’s no changing the past, but u seem to have a lot of options ahead of u. u just gotta play ur hands right i’m glad u found sweetness when u did. it changed my life n i hope it’ll change urs

i dont know where my heart is i haven't been myself in over a year

from what i can tell ur an amazing person

u kno when someone u know is just out of it one day and not being themselves it's been like that for a really long time for me

i definitely know what ur talking ab the haze

i don't know who i am anymore i'm not good with words right now but i don't want to be who i used to be that version of me is too far away but i don't know who to become i can't describe it properly right now im just blabbering at this point im glad my friend didn't get mugged or arrested or worse i had a discord b4 but i tried to disconnect myself from anything to face my fear and to be totally alone but im back so i failed

u didn’t fail

the ppl in sweetness are nice

i tried that too n when i returned i was ashamed then i realized i had to accept those ppl into my life. i had to let them let me connect ya know ya know i haven’t known who i am for a long time as well. what helps me is getting into art, in whatever medium it may be. i personally chose conversation as my art form, hence the dream conversations in my story. just having a conversation whether it be with real ppl or made up ones that i write up helped me think ab myself i’m terrible at introspection and my own identity so i literally just ask ppl to describe me or what what they think of me lol ppl r always ready connect

i used to be the opposite i don't know myself anymore and im not really paying attention but i used to be so aware of my own state and attuned to subtleties i used to be really upbeat and happy go lucky but it's been so long since i've felt naturally like that i'm not sure if it's true for me to say that's the real me anymore maybe who i am now is the real me

i learned a long time ago that there’s no such thing as a “real me” the you before was the real u n the you now is also the real you. you are always you, it’s just that ppl change

what about personas and masks

ur going through a rough arc rn, but that doesn’t mean that it’s u forever

to me the true self is the one with nothing to hide you wrote about it in your story how you change a bit of yourself to everyone a different you tailored to different people but the most unchanged version of you i thought that was true self it's hard because i'm in a rough arc now but it's not the first time ive beat depression before and won but it feels like cancer it feels like remission is way harder to beat and it hurts the most to see your progress crumble and you go back to right where you started

definitely, but the fact that ur talking to me rn means that u haven’t been beaten yet letting it out to someone definitely helps a ton

[a different you tailored to different people] i believe those r all just different parts of one you

i wonder

because ppl can’t be one thing all the time. ppl r too complex for that it’s the ability to adapt and change that makes us human. knowing that things will always end up changing for u can be scary but it can also be comforting there’s always room for a new or a more

thanks for reminding me i already know this deep down inside but it's very deep down and i don't feel it there's a lot down there i'm not ready to face yet

as long as u know it’s down there n as long as you’ll get to it eventually, it’s ok to take ur time

i cant be taking my time not when i have so much time to make up for agh

just make sure ur not pushing urself too hard

sorry i think im just being difficult thank u i at least needed someone to talk to about what happened tn

no definitely not i very much enjoyed this conversation feel free to talk to me any time !

u as well

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gooodmorninsunshine · 3 years

Text

Lets Get Very Real: Warning*

Hey Hey Lovely, Amazing and Wonderful Humans

***Caaaanda! seee-ten billl just passed last night, we are at a whole new level of ceeeensorship! we must write to our senate this goes against the Chaaarter of Riiights! Speeechlesss, literally and figuratively***

Sorrry this is so scrambled I will re-write on a better typing program as soon as i get to itt.

I am going to mispelll and drag letters on I am being cccensored and many things are being taken down off FBB***

All of this is very very well documented. Many people have tried to warn everyone. I promise this is real, as wild as it sounds.

Please keep an open mind, also don’t message me in anger or rage or opposition. I ask you to ask open and honest question in a respectful dialogue. Leave the ego, There is only room for awareness and growth through this.

This ones gonna be a little different, there is a lot of information going around and its overwhelming for many. I would like to try and connect the dots a little and allow yourselves to look things up. They have studied human behaviour and reactions for a very long time and predicated how the masses would react to this.

WARNING: this may make you extremely uncomfortable. this is going to force you to questions and absolutely everything you have ever known. Remember the only thing that is important here is to get to the bottom of your true nature, love and light.

Level 1: Our current ‘emergencyy’

There has already been several leaked emails from ffffaucci.

Over 3000 and counting but media keeps censoring us.

The details link funding to the laaab, where this vvvvvirrus was made.

It was made to scare people, put you all in a state of fear.

It was made to mock us, wear face coverings and sixxx ft. apart. This is how they appear during rituals.

it was made to diviiiide us, who will obey and conform and who will not.

Essentially those who do not get the ouchiie faaauci are the ones who are the problem. We question the science, the business, the docs, nurses, institutions, we see all of patterns throughout our history. there are millions of us. Some of us do not want to speak out right now, and some of us are talking, we are trying to get you back to your true nature, love and light is what we truly are.

Outside play have fun, create anything and everything, write, sing, dance, find yourself during this time of uncertainty and systematic chaos. Hang with friends, laugh, go out, lay in the grass under the sunshine. Have fun, this is important.

Currently all of this is a business and for profit. and we have many many links to show you. However facct chekkk keeps taking our stuff down so please look elsewhere, such as telegram, bichute, etc.

Level 1: Create a problem! Make people scared and divide them.

Fear is the frequency that they want us all to get on, we will go into this more after but a lot of basic stuff right now in order to get the basic points across.

*Please remember you must vibrate with love, patience, happiness, this is the frequency they want to discourage and have been doing so for centuries, even longer***

Level 2: Create a solution

jabbbbbby jab - they tell you it will save you and it forces you to dislike, generate hate and anger towards other people.

Problem - Reaction - Solutions have been going on for a very long time. I am not questioning alll vaxxxx right now that’s a topic for another day. I am simply telling you this specific one is brand new type, still in exxxperimental phase, not ready until 2023. Tested animals died and many people are dying right now.

They are dying from symptoms that mimic the flu, essentially the airborne stuff going around. People are passing away with phenomena, anemia, kidney and organs shutting down and a ton of carrrdiac arrest. Many many cases of this happening.

The #’ss are not truthful and have never been

This is a business's, all for profit and theyre all in this together, anyone that is mainstream has been bought off, they are corrupted and working with the same evil people for their one agenda. WE have many many links to show this, we have traced accounts back and this is a business, i promise you.

Level 3: Take away you’re freedom, issolate you. Also we were never that free to begin with, work to survive, cost of living and wage not equal. Forces you to be constantly stressed and check out more.

Serious psychological affects to this we will get into another time and ive written about previously on here.

They want you to be scarred, they want you to stay inside, depressed and alone. no community, no love for yourself. Please be aware another lockdown is coming, 2nnnd varriant is coming, they are always ten steps ahead of you and they have been planning this for a very long time. We underestimated the cleverness of some of the upper hands, but most of us are aware and trying to get the info out.

Level 4: Emergency acttts:

They can implement a lot of laws this way if the state/country has declared it an emergency. They have already talked about not re electing during thiss time.

They make it all sound lovely for reasonings however this is called dictatorship.

They introduced more taxes during WWtwo and they were supposed to be temporarily. I don’t have time to go through all the examples but we must start looking at our historic patterns and see some similarities.

Level 5: Gradual Use methods are everywhere

Veeegan movement: Get people used to the IDEA of plant bassed food

Minimlism moveement: Get people used to the IDEA that owning less will make you happier

.*Pay attention to grocery stores: Prices will go up in meat and stores will begin to run out, this is happening already below us. *Also not a bad idea to watch the magnetic videos of them sticking to their meat, baby food and cereals, get one and try it at home. Gaberrs baby one is the most common right now, many videos circulating.

Air bnb, car shares, Condo’s quickly being built right now, bike lanes, this was all to get you used to the IDEA of renting to own.

Level 6: History, wars, oppression,

all systematically planned. for centuries and even longer

They have been studying your behaviour.

They know and predict how humans act to situations based on past events and the reactions of the people.

Our historyy: long long examples to get into again this is just the basics.

Oppress men and women so they no longer think for themselves,

introduce institutions, medicinee, pppharma, bankss, and labels

**Symptoms and conditions are real but you are not broken. you simply live in a world that was not designed for humans to thrive** look back at other reading for more on this**

Level 8: Climate: This is false, this is how they are going to get you to believe them. Look at pictures of water levels from 1900 to now. The same.

Our climate is a little bit messy but its earth and it heals itself.

They have taken a ton of whales and sea life out of the ocean, they help minimize most of the carbon in our atmosphere, so yes sea life is super important and they seriously need to ban all fishing in order to restore it.

Agriculture demands have increased and this produces carbon and methane.

They have polluted the planet, selling us technology that breaks in a year so we buy more. Selling us items covered in plastic, selling us garbage to create more garbage to diminish the land, and of course for profit. Items used to be built to last, you could honestly have a fridge last 40 years.

They are the ones ruining the planet and if it all stopped earth would replenish itself.

Think of logging, more useless buildings being designed.

They will tell you cliiimate is a serious threat but this is simply not true. They are all working the same agenda

In order to push their rent to own agenda they must tell you they are fighting against climateee. They all flew their own personal jets to the summit june 13* They do not care about the environment.

Level 7: The darkness, theres more in between these levels but lets get to the bottom of this.

This is all very very well documented and I ask you to start looking it up before the c-tenn billl passes and all the libraries are closed*

Sataonicccc cult and FreeeeeMassson - Hollllywood - all llinked

These people legit worship the darkness. they are fueled by evil greed and power since the beginning of time.

They participate in very disturbing rituals. This is where pedohilia began, this is where murder and corruption began. Before Catholics, before Christianity they infiltrated everyone's minds. Yesss J is a real person, however that letter did did not exist in Hebrew. It was a Y: More info on this later: or ask me if your interested.

The light and love I am referring to is the universe, god.

Carl Sagan, Neil degrassi tyson, this is the real stuff they were trying to tell us but we not allowed to tell us the whole truth. they simply hinted at it. Look their stuff up about the comsos.

We are all one, collective consciousness is real.

When we know this we are the happiest we could possibly be and we are connected to eachother. This is the level we need to get to very quickly.

I urge you to find peace and love in your life as soon as possible

Return to your true nature without all of the conditioning that has been done to us.

You must break free from the darkness, you must vibrate love because that is the only thing that the universe understands, that is our true real self.

Frequency and vibration is very real

They wanted us to feel, alone, sad, jealous, un happy, more advertisements, more products more this more that chase this happiness and etc. I ask you to try and see this and break out of the chains they have placed upon you since birth.

Level 8: Illuminnnati, elites, worldd econimc forum, politics, evill worshippers, Hollywoood, all involved, all the same agendaaa.

Start looking up Holllywood celebs talking about how they had to sell their soul to the devil. They were involved in very serious and disturbing rituals in order to begin their fame. look up rrrred shoee club as well.

twenty seven club, many deaths, false, they were about to expose this. Some of them sure did take their own lives because they were under a serious oath not to expose any of this. There is so much information on this.

Riiituals: they have always wanted you to participate in these because it goes against what the universe wants. this includes all holidays, notice how many gifts you must get someone for xmas in order to make them feel special? This is profit and evil to unknowingly force you into a ritual

Rituals include face coverings, sixxx feet apart.

alooot of the missing children? used for rituals and sacrifices and other evil beings out there.

This is of great intensity, this is what weve been trying to warn you about.

Everything in our entire lives is false. We are real souls having an experience on earth, full of energy, filled with love and light.

The only thing that is real if your true self and love

This is going to be very uncomfortable for many. Start looking stuff up, start getting to the bottom of things, start questioning things.

Level 1 is just the distraction so you wont dig any further. So that people will argue with eachother about not wearing a covering, or your standing to close to me, or no I watch the news so I know what I’m talking about. This is all basic level stuff for people to feel heard. They know you will argue with each other and sanitize everything. When germs are the only thing that keeps our immune system strong. The body in incredible and you must go back to remembering this.

NO MORE LEVELS: The Ultimate Goal: complete slavery, complete obedience, and they have been planning agenda 21 for a very very very long time. Depop, there are to many people on the planet but they cant create genocidee again in an obvious way. so its done systemically over a longer period of time.

Diseases, all could be cured, fast food etc, all to make you sick over time.

Pollution and flouride, among other metals in food sources and water, all put there by them.

They no longer want to pay for the current pension plans, this virus only affects the elder and very sick. The survival rate for healthy people is 99%

They have very clearly stated over and over again there are to many people on this planet. They want to pick who the next generation will be, hense changing the chinaa law to 3 children. Hense getting your kids vaccc without parental consent. Hense why they are handing out ice cream if you get the shott, this method is straight out of a pedophilia manual. Do you know how many women have had ovary and mensuration problems since getting the shot? Do you know how many men have had bruising down there? Many but it gets getting deleted and we are trying to warn ya.

Soon passsports will divide us, you will be allowed to do things and we will not.

More lockdownss, more lies to influence the agenda.

You think you are doing your part by gettin the jab but you are extremely misinformed and this is not your fault. Why would you even question this stuff until now?

I know this sounds wowsers, but remember institutions were put there for you to question anything other than what you are being fed. Authority was put there to scare you and force obedience.

Please please, start looking into this stuff, please don’t dismiss this because if you do, I’m sorry but you are becoming part of the problem not the solution. We need you to understand us, we need you to look deeply and start questioning your reality.

I am sorry to do this, but again please do not message me in anger, please take time to sit with this and ask yourself questions. If you would like to have an open and honest dialogue in a respectful manner, I am here, livin my best life because happiness, love and light is all we have.

Look into: People and Films have been trying to warn us for years

*Christopher Nolan - Gradual use methods and predicative programming*

*Stanley Kubrick - Gradual use methods and predictive programming*

*Jay Weidner - Decodes Hollywood, Philosophy and Ancient civilizations*

*Carl Sagan - We are all connected = Collective Consciousness*

*Carl Jung - Layers of subconsciousness and Psychological Conditioning*

*Black Mirror - The Rise and Risk of Technology*

*Stephen Greer - As soon as they declassify other entities and outer vehicles existence = Foreshadowing, Gradual Use Methods*

The list goes on and on We must return to our truest nature LOVE over Fear. Illuminat*e the frequency of love and you win!

Evil = An inversion of life, evil is deception, corruption, destroyer of life

Evil spelt backwards = Live = the opposite of evil. Life is love and light and creation

Everybody Love Everybody*** We win, love and light will prevail

Will write more and connect the dots more, sorry this is a bit scrambled but I just wanted to get out some basic information out.

In the meantime look up *Georgia guidestones*

Look up Ob*ama in 2014 during one of his speeches “ in 5-10 years there may be an ai*rbour*ne V that we need to be prepared for

Join the F*B Groups, staaaand4thee - Cannnadian *d-e-a*ths & Ad*ver*s-e Rea*ctions

Start asking questions, start researching.

I suggest using a different browser such as brave/duck duck go - This will reset your algorithm's and the info will not be fed from mainstream

Will add more info soon*

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maximuswolf · 3 years

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A Story with Uncertain Results via /r/ADHD

A Story with Uncertain Results

Hey everybody, I’m new to this subreddit for a similar reason most new people around here are, which is that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD (age 18……. Better late than never I guess). I noticed a distinct lack of full stories on this subreddit, and I thought it would be interesting to talk about mine to compare.

I consider myself pretty smart. At least, that’s what I’ve always been told. I suppose I could be placed in that class of student who frustrates the “good students” by doing as well as them without studying or even paying attention. I never needed to. Elementary school is strange in that it is exceptionally boring from a schoolwork perspective for those even slightly above average in intelligence. I was the “smart kid” in elementary school, and American school systems do a pretty shitty job of identifying problems in students who aren’t failing. For you see, sustained attention problems do not present themselves when assignments take less than 10 minutes. Task switching is not a problem when you finish tasks so early you get a full 30 minutes between them. Emotional regulation problems aren’t considered when you are a boy (boys will be boys… ok boomer). Now, something that’s actually kind of funny about this is that I absolutely should have gotten lower grades than I did. There was a test I took in 3rd grade where I answered the correct letter for the previous question for the middle half of the test and skipped a question, and my teachers only counted the one I skipped incorrectly. According to them, I just went too fast and that was the only problem.

Fast forward to middle school, which I think is the point that a lot of undiagnosed kids crash for the first time. I bombed the second quarter of middle school with possibly more unsubmitted assignments than submitted ones. It took a ton of work to get back on track, but this wasn’t much of an issue either because, even though I had 30 assignments I needed to complete, none of them took more than 10 minutes and I had 3 weeks to do it. Now, had I been unassisted, they simply wouldn’t have happened, but my history teacher used her own class time to force me to complete my missing assignments for other classes and told my parents that it was just a “boy in middle school” thing. Apparently nobody bothered to note that this was not something that happened for literally any other middle school boy. I did fairly well in the rest of middle school, and now we reach the point in my life where all those emotional skills ADHD doesn’t come with kick in. I never had good friends. I’m sure you could’ve picked this up by now, but as a younger child I was extremely arrogant. In 8th grade though, I actually met some people with whom I spoke. Often. The most important person in this group to include in my story is my future girlfriend, and future future ex-girlfriend.

I was vaguely aware of her crush on me for a long time in 8th grade, but I am not a naturally emotionally available individual, and expressing feelings and physical touch made me extremely uncomfortable for a number of ADHD and non-ADHD related reasons. However, this girl was attached to me, and my lack of emotional tact steadily wore down on her emotional state. When I finally decided that I would actually date her in 9th grade, she had depression for reason both under and not under my control (her relationship with her parents was…. strange to say the least). Over time, it became difficult to talk to her and we both decided it would be better if we parted ways, but that started the long chain of persisting mental health problems that I struggle with today.

Low self esteem was a new experience for me, and anxiety wasn’t something I was used to either. They both hit pretty hard. Hard enough that I quickly also became depressed. My grades suffered, and so my mental state suffered, and so my grades suffered further. At the time, I attributed the grades dropping exclusively to my mental state. I barely ended that year without a C, ending with an A and 6 Bs. One B was a for a class in which I had 11 zero quiz grades throughout the year and a 44 test grade. In this class, we were expected to make 30-70 detailed notecards each unit for the subject we were on. Each one could take 5-10 minutes. And they were incredibly boring to write. Sounds like a great assignment for someone with ADHD. Ironically, I remember trying to force myself to write the notecard about ADHD (it was a psychology class, actually).

I struggled with depression off and on over the next two years and anxiety was a problem that just kept getting worse. Junior year went pretty well, and then Covid hit. I lost the ability to do anything. My anxiety prevented me from asking my teachers for help with anything, and I absolutely needed the help. The primary contributor to my anxiety was an inferiority complex developed through my math classes. I just could not do as well as my peers. I would carry our table through problems during units, but when we got to the test, I would do a good 10 points worse than anyone I thought I should be equal to or better than. I also worked to the time limit on every last one, frequently not finishing them.

My grades were shaky at best for every year of high school other than the first, and this wasn’t something anyone, including my parents had seen from me before. I was constantly bombarded by my parents’ assumption that I had just ceased to care and just didn’t want to do any work. It was destroying me. At one point near the end of sophomore year, I genuinely considered offing myself for about 5 minutes at midnight sitting on the couch of my pitch black living room. I didn’t, but it was closer than I’d like to admit.

Back to senior year, and my depression had mostly subsided. I’m dating again, a rather tomboyish girl who I love dearly (she’d cringe at that sentence). My anxiety ever worsened. I procrastinated asking for college recommendation letters long enough that I had to wait to apply regular decision because my teachers would only write recs if given that extra time, and I don’t even know why I couldn’t get myself to ask. Logically it would be a fear of rejection, but I have no idea why that would be as I’ve never really been rejected in a meaningful situation.

My grades have been ok in online school, but the more important part of this final year of the story is finally talking to my pediatrician about my anxiety…. at 18 years old. Some of the problems I mentioned were apparently inconsistent with anxiety, so I was also referred for a psych eval for neurodevelopmental disorders, but I immediately started therapy for anxiety and depression, which had been alright.

I was evaluated in mid-December, and on the 17th of January I had my telehealth appointment for the evaluation. Fuck. When asked by my therapist what I thought might be wrong with me, I responded “social anxiety and mild ADHD.” Boy was I understating. Apparently feeling as though you are far behind your true potential for several years and being constantly bombarded with others telling you you aren’t good enough does a thing to a person. About that off and on depression I mentioned earlier? BAM cyclothymia. Generalized anxiety disorder wasn’t a surprised, but what did surprised me was my diagnosis of not mild, not even just moderate, but moderate to severe predominantly inattentive ADHD. I’ve actually got the scores from the WAIS-IV I took to compare sections that are heavily impacted by ADHD and those that are not. The section least impacted by ADHD is Verbal Comprehension, on which I scored a 127. My other scores are the real kickers though (I sound old here don’t I…. fuck…. I blame having old parents): Perceptual reasoning: 96, Processing Speed: 89, Working Memory: 80.

Anyways, that was something of a shock. Today was my second day on the minimum dose size for Concerta, and….. I feel exactly the same. I might be a little more awake than usual? I’m also noticeably more tired around 6 pm, but that might just be that I have to wake up earlier now.

So anyways, that’s where I am right now. I’m sure this is difficult to read and I apologize for dumping my life onto this post, but I thought it would be interesting to hear some other peoples’ more detailed experiences, thanks for reading if you got this far.

TL;DR Honestly I don’t think I can really TL;DR this but basically, slightly worse version of stereotypical 18 y/o diagnosis of inattentive type

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 10:22PM by Most-Hedgehog-3312 via reddit https://ift.tt/3p6Yeh3

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pidgezero-one · 6 years

Text

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

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wilberdojo · 7 years

Text

The Battle Wits Can’t Win

Based off of this post by @enygmass (Please read that first so you don’t go into this story blind.)

Warnings: Angst, cancer, depression, self-starvation, self-injury, death.

This story is pretty depressing and caused me to cry multiple times while writing and editing it. As such, I’d really like to thank my test reader @jrae2015 for powering through it to make sure there weren’t any errors I may have missed.

While he had always hated hospitals, now they were nothing short of unbearable to him. The walls were blindingly white as he walked down the corridor, thinking of how quickly the events had transpired. Edward Nygma had called him, voice shaking, terrified and on the verge of crying. He told him where to go, and Jonathan Crane did not hesitate to oblige. That's what brought him here. He could hardly even remember the drive.

The door was open. He thought it strange that police weren't there to guard the obvious villain in the hospital. He heard a sob break the atmosphere of coughing and beeping machines. The only reason he even paid attention to the small sound was because it came from Edward’s room.

Edward was not much for crying. Sure, he did it, as all people do, but never publicly if he could avoid it. Something had to have happened to make him cry as openly as this. The question was what?

Jonathan didn't ask, he simply walked in and looked over his chart. He recognized the words from his studies and quickly figured out the meaning.

Edward Nygma had brain cancer, and this time, there were no Lazarus Pits to save him.

The news hit Jonathan hard, like a ton of bricks smashing into him all at once. He felt lightheaded, yet hypersensitive. His stomach felt bottomless, yet in his throat. He felt sick, even though it wasn't his own diagnosis. He looked up, and his eyes met the red, tearful, droopy eyes of the Riddler, now at the mercy of what will be his deteriorating brain.

Jonathan put the clipboard back and sat down in a chair beside him.

“I'm here,” were the only words muttered between them. “I'm here…”

There was a knock at the door, pulling Edward away from his book to look into the eyes of Jonathan Crane, ones that were no longer cold and uncaring, yet still carried a sharp softness to them.

“Riddle me this. What's in my pocket?”

Edward rolled his eyes.

“You know that's not a real riddle. It's a question, not a riddle.”

“Well, your saying sounds much better than ‘Question me this.’”

“Touché.”

They both chuckled lightly as Jonathan made his way into the room, pulling a piece of candy from his pocket and handing it to the genius.

“You're spoiling me, Jon.”

“You were already spoiled.”

Jonathan sat down beside his friend.

“You don't have to stay.”

“I'm aware of that.”

“Yet you choose to stay in a hospital, a building that, if I remember correctly, you despise.”

“You do remember correctly.”

“Then why?”

“You think yourself not enough reason for me to stay?”

Edward opened his mouth to say something but found himself speechless from the last remark. He had to think on that. He had to do much more thinking lately. His mind was slow, and his remarks slower. Jonathan had noticed, he was certain.

“Was that a compliment?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

There was a short silence. Edward returned to his book, and Jonathan pulled out his own to read.

“‘Soon again I heard the tapping, somewhat louder than before.’”

“The Raven, Edgar Allen Poe.”

“‘There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something… You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.’”

“The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien.”

“‘It is my belief… That the truth is generally preferable to lies.’”

A moment of silence.

“Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, J. K. Rowling.”

“‘Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window.’”

A longer silence.

“I'm… I'm not sure.”

There was a sense of urgency, of fear in his voice. Jonathan can always pinpoint fear.

“The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

“I'm forgetting…”

“Everyone forgets books they haven't read in years.”

“Not me…”

When Jonathan came to the room, the door was closed and a doctor was standing guard. The doctor gave him a look, and Jonathan realized immediately what was going on.

It took a few minutes before they left, sure that Edward was going to be alright. Jonathan walked in and sat beside him, as always, and put a hand over Edward’s shaking one. Edward wasn't conscious, but his body was weak, tired, and unable to rest.

He woke up a couple hours later, Jonathan reading a book and still holding his hand. Edward rolled onto his back.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit. You?”

“Afraid.”

Edward looked at his friend, who had put the book down and had attention focused on him.

“You're never afraid.”

“I am, for you.”

“You don't need to be. It was just a nap.”

“I've been here since they were helping you through the seizure. Don't lie to me, Edward.”

Edward went silent, then looked away from his friend.

“I have every right to be afraid, and honestly I am terrified.”

“I finally scared the scarecrow.”

Jonathan opened his mouth to yell but stopped himself. He wanted to scream at him for making jokes at a time like this, but Jonathan knew that was how he coped. He held his tongue and mustered up a different response.

“Another impossibility made possible by the mighty Riddler.”

The staff was afraid to enter the room. They knew for certain that neither Edward Nygma or Jonathan Crane had eaten for three days. Jonathan refused to leave until Edward woke up, and that meant for anything. They had switched out Edward's IV to accommodate for the lack of nutrition, but they weren't sure what to do for Jonathan. They had an idea but weren't certain it would work.

When the nurse came in with two trays, Jonathan lifted an eyebrow.

“This is a single room.”

“I know. The second tray is for you.”

The nurse handed him the tray and he eyed it suspiciously.

“Eat. We know you haven't for days. It's complimentary.”

There was a moment of silence between them as she set the tray on a small stand for Edward, in case he woke up soon.

“Thank you.”

The nurse blinked in surprise, then smiled as she nodded at him. Jonathan began to eat once she had left the room.

Edward’s mental deterioration was at a one-to-one ratio for Jonathan’s physical deterioration. Jonathan was now a full-time resident of Gotham General Hospital and stayed permanently in the chair beside Edward. He was weaker from the lack of exercise and sleepless nights and would have days where he wouldn't eat.

Edward would have episodes of sleeping days on end, and Jonathan, in turn, would not leave for anything and refused to sleep, prompting nurses to advise him rest and bring him food. Edward was slowly forgetting how he used to speak with Jonathan, his mental dictionary slowly being ripped away, page after page.

What scared Jonathan most, however, were the seizures. He had witnessed three already this month, each stronger than the last.

It had gotten to the point he'd just deal with it himself before paging the nurse, turning Edward on his side and gently holding his spazzing hand, whispering sweet nothings to hopefully relax him as he rode it out. After each one, Edward would regain consciousness long enough to say he was awake, and that he was going to take a nap.

The last nap lasted twenty-four hours.

The worst part was, Jonathan knew this was only the beginning.

When Jonathan returned from the cafe, Edward was crying. This wasn't an abnormal sight, but it still hurt Jonathan to see him like this. There was nothing he could do to help, and he knew it. The Riddler had fallen, and there was no rope long enough to help him back up. He walked over and gently put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don't touch me!”

Jonathan flinched, stepping back.

“This is all your fault! You should have done something, Jon! Why didn't you do something?!”

Jonathan said nothing, staying silent as Edward reared up more.

“You're a doctor! You should have been able to tell! You should have been able to prevent this! What, do you hate me? Did you want me to die, Jon?”

“I never wanted that…”

“Then why didn't you do something?”

Edward’s tone had softened to one of fear and sadness. Jonathan understood why. For a moment, they sat in silence. After a few minutes, Edward spoke up.

“Jon?”

“Hm?”

“I'm sorry…”

Jonathan sighed.

“Me too…”

Edward had been staring at Jonathan for an uncomfortably long time, but Jonathan said nothing, simply holding Edward’s hand and rubbing the back of it with a circling thumb. Edward’s mind was going more and more each passing day, and Jonathan was terrified. Edward could no longer solve riddles, not even simple ones. For most; the vocabulary was lost on him. Edward had forgotten his past, who his father was, what he was like, to which Jonathan had simply told him, “He was a bad man.”

Edward was now staring at Jonathan the way he stared at the riddle book; confused and forgetful.

“What's wrong?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“I don't remember meeting you. I remember us being friends, but I don't remember meeting you.”

Jonathan frowned. He knew it'd happen eventually, but not yet. Years of his life were being chipped away, one memory at a time, and he was helpless to it. Jonathan wished he could help, but the memory wouldn't last.

“We had to have met to become friends.”

“Well, yeah. Of course. I just can't remember it.”

Jonathan was stoic in front of his friend, but that isn't to say that was his common state of being. He would go to sit in his truck before having his outbursts of rage and hopelessness. He'd cry and punch the wheel, coming back with his cheeks puffy and hands bruised. Edward knew what he was doing, but couldn't find words enough to comfort him. Words were nearly completely lost to him. There wasn't much he could say any more. His vocabulary was now limited to mostly ten words. None of them, he regretted, were his friend’s name.

Jonathan looked at him. He could tell he wanted to say something but couldn't figure it out. That was something he really hated. The Riddler always knew what he wanted to say. This wasn't right, not at all. The least this monster infection could have done was leave his friend able to speak.

Edward stared at Jonathan with pleading eyes and weakly lifted his hand, which Jonathan took. He felt Edward write on the back of his hand with a finger, the only way he could say what he wanted to say.

You need sleep.

“I'm alright.”

You need help.

“I'll handle it. You should get some rest.”

Edward frowned. He could always tell when Jonathan was lying. Now was no exception.

Edward could no longer move that so-crucial finger that helped them communicate beyond the failure of his lips. He’d look dead if it weren't for the tear-filled eyes staring at the ceiling. Jonathan rubbed the back of his hand with a thumb, staring hopelessly at the ground. It wouldn't take much longer now, and they both knew it. It was only a matter of time.

A time neither were wanting to come.

When it ended, it was sudden. Jonathan was talking to Edward, mentioning poets he had loved and muttering their writings to him. He froze mid-word when the ECG flatlined. He pressed the call button before he had even realized it, and stood over Edward, staring into his green eyes that unblinkingly gazed at the ceiling. He was doing compressions already when the doctors arrived.

The world seemed to slow. He watched the doctors take over. He listened to the charging of the defibrillator and then watched Edward arch at the release of electricity into his body. The world felt fake. It was as if he was the only living person viewing a movie from the center. It was a horror movie, one he couldn't escape. One Edward couldn't escape. The doctors raised the voltage and tried again. However, Edward never took another breath. He had lost to the battle wits can't win.

Jonathan was famous for being stoic, but few thought he would keep this mask on the day of the public funeral. Police came to calm the crowds of people in green but promised to leave villains paying respects alone. Jonathan was in black, a straight face, more resembling a grim reaper than a scarecrow, and came to the casket’s side. As he looked down at the frozen face of his dear friend, he felt ill. He felt fake. The world was frozen and nothing existed.

Selina Kyle had seen Jonathan collapse and slowly helped him to his seat. She didn't have to ask to know he hadn't slept in far too long. He wouldn't have responded anyway. She looked at his hands, blood seeping through the bandages from where he had cut himself smashing all his liqueur bottles, and smelled heavily of the smoke from burning all the cartons of cigarettes he owned.

Edward had always complained of Jonathan’s unhealthy habits. It pained, no, angered him to keep their advocates in his house any longer. Jonathan only wished Edward was alive to see this turn of habits.

Jonathan rose and went to the podium with a prepared speech when he was asked to say a few words. He looked over the crowd, then back at the paper on the podium. Suddenly, he was a professor again, only this time teaching the life of his dear friend to his audience of villains, civilians, and law enforcement. He only got a third of the way through before everything melted away, and Jonathan had trailed off into silence. He stared at the casket. How had this happened? What more could he have done? There was so much wrong with the world. Could he have made it right?

Jonathan was not much for crying. Sure, he did it, as all people do, but never publicly if he could avoid it. Something had to have happened to make him cry as openly as this. The death of the Riddler was more than enough.

Selina stood and escorted him back to his seat as Oswald rose to finish Jonathan’s speech for him. Jonathan was angry and confused, just as much as he was devastated. Selina was unable to calm him.

Once the service ended, Jonathan returned to his truck alone. He sat in the driver’s seat and stared blankly at the wheel. It all seemed fake. All of this. Was this another master plan of the Riddler’s? One set to clear his name so he could retire? No. Jonathan would have known if it was. Edward wouldn't have put him through this. He wouldn't have forced him to watch his closest friend die if he, himself, wasn't afraid. Jonathan had been his comfort the past year and a half, as the man slowly drifted into the abyss. Jonathan missed him greatly, and that was a fact he couldn't deny. How could he deny it when he was driving to one of Edward’s old traps just to get a vision of the Riddler one last time?

#Wilberdojo writes #oneshots and commissions #batman #Jonathan Crane #scarecrow #edward nygma #riddler #cancer #brain cancer

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howtomovefreely · 6 years

Photo

Objective (3-D) ¡ Keep track of lessons created to HELP (1) move freely throughout my day PHYSICALLY while tracking Triggers & Flashbacks (TF) AND NOW THE REFLECTION : huh?

This was an insurmountable task & I ALWAYS SAY, “EVERYTHING IS SURMOUNTABLE.” It’s my two cats, one trying to mount the other & why I think about the question, “How did you get your cats?” and I start to see how fragments of sentences & words remind of other things, this not being the way my mind works only I was able to connect my thinking & not forget what I was saying. That is the same with reading and writing. When there are multiple things in your life that mimicking each other & now visuals & touching are also areas that ARE WAY DIFFERENT.

Two Options

Two options always, write or not write / to do any fine motor or gross motor requiring lifting or pulling my body & neck pain spikes!

Weapon of choice is the pencil for graphite and the color gray / the color of truth a blended mix of black & white why we’re going to do this mother right

PEACE, LOVE, HARMONY, CUDDLES & SAFE PLACES to LEARN, PLAY & WORK IN / found all my old loves c’est la vie for the only Revolution

Dreamed in French on day 18 & why when I travel I try to live like a native, naturally / doing natural things, breathing is the objective, the way to, to sing

For every ptsd memory there’s a LOVING ONE doing battles with weapons & ways of death that are still haunting me / the body/brain duality enacted in times of misery that lasted for 7 and 9-months & still you ask for evidence to NEVER discuss the solutions that could seriously change this child’s life right now? To have harmony with two opposing forces, The Day & The Night, demanding their due, a validation that led to BOO HOO & why this was the point that I knew to FOCUS ON to PULL THROUGH. It requires “true friends” who can’t do anything but supportive : it’s simply too easy not to do.

Accountability & Transparency : MODEL IT : How?!

ED IT all triggers that are present in a safe space : created 20+ and finding what is most natural & how to take breaks that are the right amount of time to adequately step away to “not die” but also not to lose the tri(grrr) since it WILL COME UP AGAIN & the point is to snuff it out with self-awareness & the decision to say, “NO!”

magic : intrinsic motivation that’s in all of us : change trigger to tiger

with any new skill or bad habit, nothing changes overnight

Teachers who scaffold have put THOUGHT into learning styles, classroom management & their own job performance which quite frankly, if you’re doing the RIGHT THING & open to feedback, there should be no worry

Document if “nighttime” is better in terms of “triggers” & moments “fear is present” since if you’re able to MAKE A SCHEDULE that ACCOMMODATES sleep. Zzz the #1 direct correlation to pain, anticipated pain, fatigue rate, stamina level, literally, do EVERYTHING since then you’ve eliminated while helping self at the same time & then it’s on the next hurdle...

Allow all safe spaces to be open & accessible if feeling “open & accessible” & if not, then it’s okay to closer all safe spaces!

When I forget about a safe space, I wasn’t meant to go there. If I “trip” across it, the NOW NATURAL reaction of the body is to not try and FIND IT thinking “this could be the thing that fixes it all.” after trauma you are...

trying to end it for all & hopeful that you can with THIS ONE : isn’t this kind of like sports pressure? Any ADRENALINE can alter body state & prepare for flight, fight or freeze. LOWER THRESHOLD for pain

quick review

all the time in my neck, back, trapezius & head (dizziness: constant 2-4/10 & increases with activities/movement) since 4/2016 no nausea 3-5x/hour; since 2/2018

Tracking after I stopped triggering from the “t” sound. T for Teacher. Going from NO MOVEMENT since hurt to YES MOVEMENTS since now I can work through the pain is literally going from one extreme to another : kind of how depression & mania work but these terms are way too harsh. You’re cranky because you’re in pain & 3-4 even 7 days in a row (level: immobile & mostly in shower trying to dampen it while hurling a little & can’t hold you know what). This makes you mental & created a palsy in my face & hands & couldn’t operate mobile. That was 8-hours & one day I’ll provide all the details, but not here & not until I’m ready, 100%. What a luxury & why I don’t have to question why my life [to them] was worthless since the next thought is THEIR LIVES. THE KIDS WHO I TAUGHT & this is where neck pain goes up! Finger pains are up! I feel my elbow, arm, leg, thigh...

RELIEF When there’s an hour, a minute, a second when pain shifts or the for the first time I NOTICED I was getting a headache instead of anticiaipting pain constnatly, there was a break and for a second I was PAIN-FREE/SENSATION-FREE. The seconds mattered since once I counted to 8 & even addd 2 since I probably didn’t notice right away, but only did that when it started getting beyond 8 seconds, and you do that too (whatever you feel) to NOTE what it is you’re really trying to say. When it’s safe to feel safe, you just do! When you’re body feels better & your mood lifts, you are thankful, at last since it’s getting BETTER

and what about when it gets worse...

you question. you look. you listen. you “confront” & this is where that pesky word “disagreement” enters

all the time HOPE : no dizziness ever! For 10 seconds! Maybe 15 seconds. Celebrate all goals.

Physical check-in

Able to crouch (20 secs), jump (twice), run for more than a minute if necessary and my pain is beginning to cause more cracks, pops in my neck when moving side-to-side and fully up & down!!! (in order to hold that pose, needed to have head on couch, with hand support & only for 2 seconds and created a “rolling” motion) ∆ MUST recognize impact & this is probably why so many things have been broken around me. I grab too hard or not on target. So go slower, but have more pain since quicker movements allow my body’s nerves to glide, but to go slow is the next step. SLOW IT DOWN & let body adjust as you did when you had to go FAST to lower pain, problems with STIGMA (health care, big time!) & at the same time, a natural pain release.

Did you know nerves like to glide?

When I learned this 1.5 years in, it changed my life. It’s allowed me to have minimal control over pain & that’s important. So the last 3 years have been mastering the glide & slide & whirl & twirl & crouch & whip & hold & kiss. These are easy movements because I demand that I get them down in order to be prepared for what’s unpredictable. I can predict my pain so stay ahead of it. Be ready for what comes at you without warning. People. Cars. Lies. Abuses. Triggers. Warnings & hate-filled assholes who will use whatever they can to “avoid blame.” I’m ready to tell this story : It takes a very long time to get to safe place for your entire body. The focus before was SUICIDE. REMOVE that & there’s no problems so identified what it was

Feeling of worthlessness that people did to you by lying to your face and removing safety becuase no one had CONTROL ✔️✔️

Removing it : present tense : currently doing that by sharing triggers to create “safe spaces” that is an iCloud. REAL clouds remind self life is always changing, just like emotions, moods & feelings & this is LITERATURE & why it gets the biggest thank you of all! There is never the same sky at any minute & how amazing to think all the different sunsets & sunrises they’ll be in one lifetime? I’m not sure sure we’re not gazing at the clouds more, but for now the iCloud is the way to scatter their shit & since I wrote this, I know it’s flipped.

Live naturally, meaning desire for every breath, never done redundantly. Life is death & death is what scares us, but never me, having faced that already at an early age, this physical abuse, you’re in the moment asking “What did I do?” but in this case, it was “How can you keep doing this?” and other questions, oh yes, I will persist. I don’t know the word QUIT when it involved the HARMS these people in power positions did & no alarms were sounded. Discriminating children with special needs is NOT HOW MY WORLD WAS FOUNDED.

EDucate it : elevate difference : never be frustrated : the words I write are actually EVIDENT or NOT EVIDENT : how the hell can someone keep ignoring this!?

ED IT : 1st STEP ∆ Prerequisite knowledge ø brain structure, features, form/function, how to keep it healthy & why I am not going to teach anatomy or physiology, my strength is combining teams that have DESIRE to work collaboratively...

...in a nutshell, you go back to the past to learn how to adjust to the present (which was too harrowing due to violence)

ORGANIZE IT : 2nd STEP ∆ Labeled according to TYPE (1) put artIfacts away by maintaining a record of what I’ve learned about auditory processing & all factors that affect Attention, Concentration, Awareness of self, mind, body, environment & (2) learn from it now that I have my “thinking” back since physically head sensations have been diminished after leaving THE MOST UNHEALTHY SITUATION : stigma in the health care field & their very acts of denial of safety, acceptance of NO KNOWLEDGE & insistence of an opinion without any supporting evidence is what the PROBLEM is. IDENTIFIED it & now, let’s fix it.

Do this process with consciousness, finally, since it all goes out & that’s the FEAR, of telling the truth, that hasn’t sat well with me? Ok, let’s explore this...

TYPE (vague on purpose) : H or S or HS or SH (depending on which one is MAIN versus which is a Trigger or Flashback e.g. SHT | crying and use of words “I’m going to kill you” or “I’m going to poke your eyes out” or “I’m going to kill myself” since happened in both settings, S, first (supported by H) and led to Flashback so direct connection to WORSE emotion which lead to issues of self-control; self-regulation due to darkness (most severe that snuffs out hope)

this is code

Here’s the key: the violence that occurred in a school/work setting was repeated in a home setting with the purpose of making it WORSE for someone who has verbally explained all fears in exactly the way that it happened. These PTSD memories are obvious & they feel smaller every day now. Called shit (as in their bullshit) and finally, scum since I see a dirty pond or marsh & when it’s in the bathroom, it’s really gross. We’ve got the word & now let’s move on

What is necessary to shake TRAUMA : remove scum. EZ

SENSING that boundary between “this is enough” & “I’ve had enough” : snuffs out humiliation : (2-D) ¡ A devotion to self, an unshakeable self-esteem to never need validation & what’s the harm in THIS : shows WHO IS IN YOUR BRAIN & if it’s a voice form the past who blamed you for something & you fight TO PROVE them wrong, you’ve chosen the wrong person since they vouched for you ALRIGHT : the goal : put all these pesky ptsd memories/moments away & to do that VALIDATE them & to do that show how EMOTIONS works in individuals who MUST guess & why must they guess . . . they’re observing, too and what do they see?! Those without a way to understand emotions are trying their hardest & this is what I’ve learned with kids & adults with emotional dysregulation, they really need validation to say “you’re doing the right thing” even if it’s the wrong thing. They can’t process their own behaviors because of PAIN & HURT they’ve felt every single day of their lives...

That creates an absolute & that means to VERBAL CUE : all, no one, every time, always, never, everyone, words that indicate in ability to properly & honestly self-assess. This the power white color to get me to a blank canvas a spark a desire to create & what is it that I’m creating. One FINal lesson to say this is what I’ve learned about violence & what should never be accepted. Hypocrisy, cruelty & evil. There is no other word for it.

This is their first weapon in distracting from the real issues : destroy your voice

Said it 1,000,000x : good use of exaggeration & now GROWTH can accelerate

anxiety USES fears to maintain a buzz of constant attention, areas where voice matters (for once) : & now activate the USE of GUILT

sadness OVERWHELMED by acute loneliness over extended periods & this self-Identity of being REJECTED becomes too much

anger that pops out of nowhere & the instantaneous sense of overwhelming loss of control where people “feel unsafe” so the rallying cry is to stabilize the one that is “losing it” and oh no oh no oh no...

A sense of immediate reaction heightened & then disappears is a cycle between _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ .

sum up these emotions, give them their rightful owners & send it to the universe

Process ¡ Emphasize cyclical relationship between mind + body & how tech can help & harm | How to understand FAITH in the invisible “truths” one must accept with tech since what you say is EXPERT & SPECIALIZED knowledge THROUGH GENERATIONAL dysfunction guided by PTSD memories of WHAT WAS GIVEN/PROVIDED/TAUGHT in childhood | not going to mention my childhood except when the ptsd memory relates to the very wrong assumption that was the catalyst for the past to come rushing up at me due to denial of bodily safety & continuation of denials after repeated attempts at some response.

How many false starts & first days as the next day becomes a blank of the previous & makes me question how do organizational systems work...WORTH IT

Day 1: Absolutes & Identify 2-D transformed to A, B, C ---> 3-D

Always, never, no one, everyone : INTRO 1/10 t FLIP worst to best & to encourage hope | T-note

did this spontaneously above, noting the frequency of absolute which means that ptsd memory is ready to bring into the light & it goes HERE ✔️

First step in identifying self is identifying self in all the ways you identify with. This is from the past the bold ones are still true today. Whatever is added at the end is added at the end & this is how you learn about yourself. You think deeply & take risks at exposure & why you find a partner to trust since the only thing in this world are the stories you tell each other, to be who you want to be, and to a survivor, you want to be not damaged, not hurting & not scared.

still the same !!! ✔️American, femme, cis-gender, warrior badass subconscious unicorn berserker : a teachable moment personified : imagineer & humanist who doesn’t know “no” : mentally fierce - emotionally complex - behaviorally predictable & severely feeling thanks to NERVE DAMAGE, TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY & several tag teams who told me, showed me, insisted, than persisted to reveal how they LOATHE DIFFERENCE to reveal HOW people can DO what they claim “I’ll never do!” That was the crux of it all what triggers one person is the SAME : the lie of “I never intended to...”

be stronger than these warmongers ✔️

activate imagination ✔️

destroy negative thinking while simultaneously launching love bombs one after the other meaning any opportunity to do good in small & large moments you take them, press in, and see what pops up. Perhaps there’s beauty in places you never considered possible ✔️✔️🚀

The Confirmation

How to successfully rebuild a life : prerequisite for SELF-LOVE, SELF-CARE & SELF-IMAGE is TRUST in SELF : use what you know, what you want to know & reflect on what you’ve learned to create the path that works for you. I think I just did it. I was honest with “safe” people from my past & their response was really kind. Thank you for that. It’s pretty easy once you get a sense for people & who they are when there’s “trouble” or “grief” or “pain” & you question how that happens? What lives have they led?

#ptsd recovery #ed it #self-education #emotions that hurt #uses&abuses #T note : ptsd memory #choose different over same #poetry #lesson plan #history #day one #let's begin

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lizabethstucker · 4 years

Text

The SFWA Grand Masters, Volume 2

Edited by Frederik Pohl

A selection of short stories and novellas from the second group of five authors named Grand Masters by the Science Fiction Writers of America: Andre Norton, Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Asimov, Alfred Bester, and Ray Bradbury. The stories are science fiction and fantasy, some a mixture of both. The styles may be different, but all of these authors captured the imaginations and loyalty of readers throughout their decades of writing.

Pohl has selected a decent group of stories, five each except for Asimov who only has four. Each author’s section has a short biography and an overview of their writing career. Pohl also provides a list of suggested books. Overall, this is a solid 4 out of 5.

Mousetrap by Andre Norton

There are strange sand monsters on Mars, ones that are highly desired by museums back on Earth. Unfortunately, they are too fragile to capture for transport, dead or alive. Until prospector Sam Levatts is approached by hustler Len Collins. Part tragedy with a hopeful ending. This was a sad read and yet very satisfying in the denouement. Incredibly short, yet tightly written. Norton was a favorite of mine in middle school once I actually started reading science fiction. I much preferred her science fiction stories to those with a more fantasy bent at that time. Despite being marketed to children, her stories didn't pull any punches in regard to violence, depression, and even suicide. Some of her works haven't aged well, but then you'll come across something like this and remember just why she was so very popular among all age groups. 4 out of 5.

Were-Wrath by Andre Norton

Lady Thra of Laniat flees deep into the forest after the last of her liegemen is killed. She stumbles across a hut, a cat who speaks telepathically, and an unfinished carving on an armoire. Then the man-creature appears. Soon Thra will be forced to face a greater evil than any of the were. One of the things that Norton was best at was how she gave life to outsiders and how strong her female characters were. Thra, once a lady, now a woman who has been stripped to a fierce survivor. Farne, abandoned by his birth family, finds love with a mother-figure until she was taken from him. There's magic and a hint of romance at the very end, an enthralling fantasy. As I stated earlier, Norton's fantasy wasn't something I cared for when I first began reading her works. That changed by the time I hit high school, thanks to Tolkien and Fritz Leiber, among others. Makes me eager to dive back into the author's fantasy works. 4.5 out of 5

All Cats Are Gray by Andre Norton

Steena was known by many free spacers, a quiet woman who gathered knowledge through listening and a photographic memory. Her peculiar knowledge had helped many of the men around her, never accepting any reward. Until she's given Bat, a cat, by a man whose life she saved. Now she helps another free spacer hoping to get control of an abandoned pleasure spacecraft with a dangerous reputation. Creepy, cool, and another story with an important cat character. Steena could resonate with those young girls with a thirst for knowledge, that lived in our own type of gray world, filled with acquaintances and friends rather than lovers. This is an unusual portrayal and use of an extreme type of colorblindness. A good read. 3.5 out of 5.

Serpent’s Tooth by Andre Norton

Seeker Modic chooses Rentarn to guide him and his group into the Questionable Lands. Modic is determined to find the city of Lonscraft, long deserted, hoping for treasure despite the danger. But as he says, the treasure isn't the kind Rentarn might think. The legends and myths learned by all who live in the Between Villages may be Rentarn's only hope of survival. That and his genetics. More a novella than a short story, Norton has an interesting treasure hunting quest that mixes fantasy with a tinge of science fiction, leaning heavily toward horror with the mysterious events in Lonscraft. Who the blue men in the heart of the palace might have been is never truly answered, the reader only receiving hints. The intriguing possibilities are never confirmed. A fascinating story. 4.5 out of 5

Rescue Party by Arthur C. Clarke

When the crew of the exploration survey ship S9000 is notified of an inhabited planet's sun going super nova, they rush there to save as many of the inhabitants as they can. As the increasing heat has already begun to decimate the surface of the planet, it is difficult and dangerously time-consuming to search for any possible survivors. Defeat followed by surprise followed by a hint of more to come makes for a tightly written story. And it is an interesting viewpoint, even if filled with old-fashioned science fiction tropes, from tentacles to collective minds. This is the first story written by Clarke, done in 1946. A decent enough start for a newbie. 3.5 out of 5

I found it amusing and telling that Clarke’s nickname in fandom was “Ego”. I doubt if it was entirely friendly. Despite his constant bragging that he solely invented satellite communications, that wasn’t entirely true. Yes, he wrote about it in a trade paper, but he wasn’t the only one working on the concept, nor was he the only one who published. I never cared for Clarke, mostly for his extreme arrogance and weirdness portrayed in interviews, both written and filmed. I don’t know if this affected how I reacted to his work or not, but he was rarely on my reading list. There were a couple of stories that I enjoyed, but mostly I veered away from him.

The Secret by Arthur C. Clarke

Henry Cooper, a science reporter, has been sent to the moon by the United Nations Space Administration in an effort to generate support for the Pluto City base. He has been there before, so he is aware of how things operate. But this time there is something off. He contacts an old friend, currently the Plato City Police Department Inspector General, to ask what is going on. The answer is nothing he could've expected. *sigh* This is the type of crap that turned me off of Clarke's stories. It's a great setup but had no real payoff in my opinion. Yes, we're told the answer to the mystery, nothing past that. This story was published in 1963, long before the moon landings. Clarke's views were very pessimistic of that event. Vastly disappointed, yet not really surprised. Hopefully the next few stories are better. The setup helped squeak this rating to 3 out of 5.

Reunion by Arthur C. Clarke

Aliens are returning to the Earth that they claim to have colonized millions of years ago. They became aware that the change in the planet's environment had led to mutations in some of the colonists. Not a problem, they can help fix anything! While the ending may be trite, almost expected for a story published in 1971, it doesn't make it any less fun to read. A remarkably tight story for two pages. 4.5 out of 5.

The Star by Arthur C. Clarke

A deep space survey vessel is exploring the Phoenix Nebula, a sun that went super nova centuries earlier. On the planet farthest from the now dead sun was found a vault that contains the records of the people who died in the blast. One crew member, a Jesuit who is their Chief Astrophysicist, finds his faith stuttering by what he discovers. This is actually a good question; can religious faith survive deep space travel? Yes, I knew instantly what the core idea would be, but in 1952 to deal so directly with faith and science in a science fiction story would've been very brave of the publishers to put out there. It is also a subject much discussed by both non-believers as well as more scientific-minded believers. In fact, it was a subject discussed at great length by my Episcopal Middle School Bible Study class with Father Alex Boyer, a man who would've been a Jesuit if he had been Roman Catholic. This story could be a great discussion starter as well as a good read. 3.5 out of 5.

A Meeting with Medusa by Arthur C. Clarke

Howard Falcon had been seriously injured while piloting a test flight of the Queen Elizabeth IV thanks to a news camera platform that crashed through the dirigible. Doctors had put him back together, giving him some extras that will come in handy with his next adventure: a trip to Jupiter, the first gaseous planet to be explored by man. If this type of story was more Clarke's usual output, I might be able to understand why he was considered one of the Big Three in science fiction. The sense of adventure is neatly woven into the story, particularly the suppositions made by Clarke about what might be found on and above Jupiter if we continue with ever closer flybys that can delve deeper into the atmosphere. I will say that the extent of Falcon's "enhancements" took me a bit by surprise, making me wonder just what was left of his physical self. Best guess would be his brain and nothing else. Fascinating and disturbing in equal measures. 4.5 out of 5.

The Last Question by Isaac Asimov

As mankind's computers expand in knowledge and abilities, there is one question that is asked over the ages that doesn't receive an answer other than "insufficient data". But as the millenniums pass and the Galaxy fills with life, immortal life, the question becomes ever more urgent. How can you reverse or stop entropy? The ending!! I should've seen it coming, but surprisingly I didn't. I really enjoyed the glimpses into how man and computers evolved over the trillions of years, yet both still struggled with the basic question of survival of that which provided power and life no matter how both learned and adapted. Asimov, in this publication date of 1956, postulates solar power and mankind's increasing reliance on super computers, not to mention increasing overpopulation driving exploration even more than curiosity. 4.5 out of 5.

Ah, Asimov. So much incredible talent and so much wide-ranging interests he had. Surprisingly I’ve only read a few of his works, particularly the Foundation series and his I, Robot series, as well as some of his short stories. I was more likely to read his non-fiction works, from science to the bible, or the short story collections he edited. I would devour his introductions even more than the stories themselves. I’ve found the introductory biography on this author to be more enjoyable as Pohl had a lifetime friendship with Asimov, giving it that personal touch.

It’s Such a Beautiful Day by Isaac Asimov

The day that the Hanshaw Door failed to operate was the day that 12-year-old Richard Hanshaw Jr. began to avoid using it to go to school and back home again. Nothing his mother tried could deter him other than on rare unexplained occasions. Yet Dick didn't seem to mind using the Door to visit New York or Canton, China. His mother reluctantly agrees with his teacher to take him to a psychiatrist for probing. Asimov has provided a most prophetic story about how technology can cause people to withdraw from experiencing the outdoors. The reasons and type of technology might be different, but the results wind up the same. Video games, the internet, television, and other media all do the same. Thought-provoking. 4.5 out of 5.

Strikebreaker by Isaac Asimov

Sociologist Steven Lamorak visits the first asteroid world in order to gather facts about Elseverse's society. While there he learns it exists under a strict caste system. Igor Ragusnik's family has overseen waste reclamation for generations. Unfortunately, this makes the family outcasts, unable to meet with nor interact with the rest of the community. Igor has decided to go on strike until his family is accepted, although the leaders of Elseverse are determined to not give in. The consequences for the community are dire if something isn't done. Intriguing as well as an echo of other Earth-based castes such as the Untouchables in India. A very disappointing solution by Lamorak. And, frankly, I think his estimate as to how long changes would occur was out of line. And, as a sociologist, Lamorak should know better. 3.5 out of 5.

The Martian Way by Isaac Asimov

Earth is getting testy about the amount of water used by the Martian colony, especially that used for propulsion by the scavengers who catch shells discarded by rockets launched from Earth for their metal content. After a year of politicians pontificating, a ration is set up, one that will essentially stop all scavenging. Certain of the scavengers understand that this could be just the beginning of Earth’s hold on the colonies tightening. The newest of the scavengers, Ted Long, encourages them to look elsewhere for their water, cut ties with Earth. Long’s idea? A newer source of water, the rings of Saturn. The idea of using water for propulsion purposes in low or no gravity situations really isn’t that far-fetched, but as shown here it would require having a virtually endless supply available. Asimov has another valid point. For any colony to be truly valid, they must be self-sustaining. 3.5 out of 5.

Disappearing Act by Alfred Bester

General Carpenter is leading the War for the American Dream, directing good citizens to become sharply honed tools. His motto is “a job for everyone and everyone on the job”. After all, how else can they defend the American Dream of Beauty and Poetry and the Better Things in Life? Then a perplexing mystery appears in Ward T of the U.S. Army Hospital that requires an expertise not readily available in Carpenter’s America. This was beyond a hoot! And all too possible, at least in regard to a country so involved in a long-term war that they focus their attention on specific talents needed, not the softer interests. I have little actual knowledge of Bester’s works. I’ve always known the name, but somehow missed reading anything from him. This story tells me just what I’ve been missing, so I’m looking forward to the remainder of his section in this collection. 5 out of 5.

Fondly Fahrenheit by Alfred Bester

James Vandaleur and his android are on the run after the android kidnaps and kills a child, something previously thought impossible. I don't know how to describe this. It is a confusing narrative with multiple fluid viewpoints. Fluid as in it can be hard to understand who is narrating, whether there is two or three present during certain scenes. Once farther into the story it gets easier to understand what Bester is up to. But despite the initial confusion, this was an intriguing psychological story. As Mr. Spock would say, fascinating. 4 out of 5. There's a short commentary following the story itself in which Bester discusses his writing process in general and regarding this particular story. A nice glimpse into how the sausage is made.

The Four-Hour Fugue by Alfred Bester

Pollution and a lack of great quantities of fresh water for bathing and cleaning has led to an increased use of perfume in the urban jungle slum of the Corridor. When Dr. Blaise Skiaki's latest product development slows almost to a stop, the company he works for begins an investigation as to the reasons behind it. Mystery and romance over-layered with almost supernatural aspects. More fantasy than science fiction in my opinion. I also found the ending a bit rushed, but still adequate. What I didn't like much and almost turned me off were the racist overtones, especially for a story published in 1974. For example, the use of the term "gook" and the statement "slitty eyes that would need careful watching". Perhaps Bester was merely implying that the two characters involved with racist, but it was still bothersome to me. 3.5 out of 5.

Hobson’s Choice by Alfred Bester

Addyer is a statistician by day, dreaming fantasist by night, wanting to live in another time period. When he finds that, despite the ongoing war and the effects of the atom bombs, the population appears to be increasing, he pinpoints the epicenter to be in Finney County, Kansas. Directed to go there, what Addyer finds is not even close to what he expected. An interesting look at those who long to live in another time, with some reality checks regarding the differences that might be encountered. As the immigration man says, every time is the Golden Age to someone other than the one that they live in. 3.5 out of 5.

The City by Ray Bradbury

The City has waited for twenty thousand years for this moment. A rocket filled with explorers from Earth has arrived. The City awakens, at long last able to fulfill its programming. Creepy. Very creepy tale of long forgotten actions that resonate with the hapless Earth men. Short and sharp story. 3.5 out of 5.

The Million-Year Picnic by Ray Bradbury

Timothy was no fool, even as young as he was. He knew this sudden vacation was more than a fishing trip. His mom and dad seem nervous. To keep his younger brothers calm, Timothy plays along, waiting for his dad to explain. This short story turned out to be the first installment into what became THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES. What this story did was setup the reason why the Mars community ever started, why the original colonists fled Earth. THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES is one of my favorites and the first Bradbury book that I ever read. This has me itching to read it again. Sounds like a trip to the library is in my immediate future. 4 out of 5.

All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury

Venus only stops raining for two hours every seven years. The children don't remember it from the last time the sun came out as they were too young. Margot is the exception. A frail young girl whose appearance appears to be washed out with the constant rain, she desperately wants, needs to see the sun again. Children are brutally cruel, something Bradbury has shown in horrible prose. The ending was so horrible, yet so simple. Quite possibly one of the saddest stories I've read in quite a while, even if realistic. It made it hard to rate. 3.5 out of 5.

There Will Come Soft Rains by Ray Bradbury

A smart home continues its daily routine, from cleaning to cooking to announcing important dates, for days and days. Doing its programmed tasks to empty rooms. Talk about gut-wrenchingly sad. That view outside the house can rip your heart out. And the dog. 4 out of 5.

The Affluence of Despair by Ray Bradbury

The lure, the addiction of publicity, of seeing ourselves on television. Not for our accomplishments and successes, only for the bad and the tragic. A little over two pages and published in 1998, this is anything but fiction. Take a good look at yourself, world. 4 out of 5.

#The SFWA Grand Masters #Frederik Pohl #Andre Norton #Isaac Asimov #Alfred Bester #Arthur C. Clarke #Ray Bradbury #collection #science fiction #book review #science fiction collection

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basstoad · 7 years

Text

Sad Boy: The Musical

So i got some brain problems and im working on getting them fixed and i just kinda want to say some stuff about it. but TL;DR: If you are feeling sad or anxious or anything that is affecting your life and productivity or happiness please go talk to a doctor or therapist or even just some guy because it will help i promise you. Heres the whole thing under this break

2 weeks ago i had a low period. I get these a lot. Things i normally am ok with doing suddenly seem unbearable. I can’t think about anything. I don’t want to. I go from gray neutral right to the bottom of this valley of sadness. And every time i get out of it im not as good as i was before. Its a slow and constant degradation of myself.

I have never felt joy. Real joy. At least not lasting more than a few moments. I have felt content or ok but never happy. I cant think of a time i felt happy. I can only think of things that make me happy.

I have, for the entirety of my waking life, existed in a neutral idling state somewhere just above bare minimum effort. A grey area where nothing is bad but nothing is good. I do what i need to do and nothing more. I only get things done if i feel as though i am obligated or required to. Anything I want to do is pushed away or not done due to fear or self loathing or just not caring. I feel like, emotionally, like a wet towel. I don’t really don’t know what a genuine emotional response feels like. I feel like everything i feel is fake. When I am presented with a stimuli that should evoke a certain emotional response, I am aware of what I should be feeling but I don’t feel it. I have also never been excited for anything. Or motivated. Ideas of things I want to do or make excite me, but that excitement never turns into motivation. There are so many things i want to make and learn and try out but I never can bring myself to do it. Ill be interested in something for a brief period of time but then i fall off and never want to look at it again. I dont know what is really causing this. It could be depression, it could be the ADD i was diagnosed with in middle school. I could be something else but that’s why im going to a doctor now.

I called my old doctor and she gave me a recommendation and I made an appointment. It took me a few days to do this because I hate phone calls, but eventually I got one scheduled. The doctor was very nice and she never tried to suggest i was feeling something else or deny what i was feeling. They aren’t going to shame you or make you feel bad. I feel like thats a fear a lot of people have when talking to a doctor about how they feel. You cant measure something like that, at least not easily. Explaining how your brain sees the world sometimes feels like trying to explain how the color of chocolate sounds. Finding the words and phrasing of how you feel is complicated, because thinking is a complicated thing in of itself. Your brain is basically a meat computer that is aware its a meat computer. The doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant, which i started last week. Ive been on it for about 4 days now, and while i don’t feel any different yet it takes about 2 weeks for your body to begin processing the new chemical you are introducing to it. Maybe this one wont work, maybe it will. Maybe I will only need it for a few years or maybe the rest of my life. Either way, I just couldn’t continue feeling gray.

What i want to say with this post is that you don’t have to continue feeling like a dumpster fire all the time. There are resources to help you everywhere. If you’re in the US, you could probably locate a local clinic that offers cheap or even free exams. Some therapist centers are sliding scale which means that the amount you pay is based on your income. sometimes it can even be free. I would provide some resources, but whats available is different in most parts of the country so you might have to do some research. Even if you cant find a doctor, just talking to someone is a good starting point. They could help you become aware of what you feel, and help you make conclusions that you wouldn’t come to on your own. I have felt this way for so long that I know exactly what I am doing because of this thing that is affecting me, but it took my years to figure it out alone. But theres hope. You don’t deserve to feel like that, no one does. You deserve to be able to be happy and live life to the fullest and do that thing you wanna do. So yeah thats all i got thank u.

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fairyfairypie · 7 years

Text

tagged by @theprettysettersclub, thank you!!

1) Are you really ready for 93 questions?

yeah!!!

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?

,,,uhhh no?? ive never been in a relationship?? so no i guess?

3) Who did you last say “I love you" to?

idk probably my mom

4) Do you regret it?

nope :DD

5) Have you ever been depressed?

Yeah

6) Are you a boy or girl?

Girl~

7) Who is your best friend?

@peppermintstars buT SHE DOESNT GO ON TUMBLR EVER WE MADE A TUMBLR AND U NEVER CAME BACK ON

8) How do you want to die?

idk lol probably not very painfully but aware of it??? if that makes sense

9) What did you last eat?

Ahhhh idk what it’s called but it’s like watery rice except that makes it sound really bad,,, it’s called xi fan but idk what it is in english (apparently its rice porridge)

10) Played any sports?

well i skate and im learning volleyball;; and i used to swim, dance, and do gymnastics + more but i quit every sport within a month of trying it so :/

11) Do you bite your nails ?

YES, SO MUCH ;-;

12) When was your last physical fight?

never??? i dont fight a lot???

13) Do you have an attitude?

no?? not really??

14) Do you like someone?

yah but they don’t exist lol unless u count kpop idols

15) What is your real name?

Eileen ^^

16) Are you gonna get high later?

no???

17) Do you hate anyone at the moment?

not that i can think of rn, no

18) Do you miss someone?

not off the top of my head, no

19) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?

??who cuts spaghetti??

20) Do you tan a lot?

uh no?

21) Have any pets?

if i did, they’d be dead, but no

22) How exactly are you feeling?

like,,, nothing rn

23) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?

yeah i do it a lot when im busy

24) Ever made out in the bathroom?

no ??? ive never made out ???

25) Would you take any of your exes back?

no exes,,,,

26) Are you scared of spiders?

who isn’t?? spiders are scary whether dead or alive

27) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

of course!! it’d be cool!!

28) Do you regret anything from your past?

yeah, a lot of things

29) What are your plans for this weekend?

uhh i’ve got my regular weekend schedule, then I have to go to @orangejuicymatsu‘s house for some kind of dinner party, then I’ve got a syncro competition on Sunday-Monday

30) Do you want to have kids?

kids scare me, no

31) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?

my mom!!

32) Do you type fast?

not horribly fast, but not too slow either

33) Do you have piercings? How many?

no, but piercings look cool

34) Want any more?

yeah, maybe some ear piercings when i get older.., needles tho

35) Can you spell well?

nopee

36) Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really bc i can remember probably three ppl from my past

37) What are you craving right now?

ice cream

38) Ever been to a bonfire party?

not that i can remember,,,maybe

39) Have you ever been on a horse?

probably, but horses r big

40) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?

no??

41) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

not that i know?

42) Have you ever been cheated on?

can’t be cheated on if you’ve never been in a relationship

43) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no...

44)Would you live with someone without marrying them?

yeah of course my parents lol

45) What should you be doing?

HOMEWORK

46) What’s irritating you right now?

my complete inability to do homework

47) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

no not really

48) Does somebody love you?

idk ???

49) What is your favorite color?

PINKKKKK

50) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

51) Do you have trust issues?

well idk honestly

52) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah i think so

53) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

,,,i have no exes

54)Who was the last person you cried to?

i honestly have no clue lol

55) Do you give out second chances too easily?

yeahh

56) Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forget

57) Is this year the best year of your life?

its 2017, no

58) What was your child hood nickname?

i’ve never really have a nickname

59) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

60) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

yea

61) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhh read fanfics lol

62) Do you socialise often?

not too much but i do sometimes

63) What is bothering you?

I STILL HAVENT DONE MY HOMEWORK

64) Have you ever been out of your state?

yeah,, ive been to over 30 states

65) Do you play the Wii?

not really

66) Are you listening to music right now?

yeahhh

67) Do you like Chinese food?

I eat it everyday, eh

68) Do you know your fathers b- day?

UHm i think its September 21st ???? no lol

69) Are you afraid of the dark?

well yeah

70) Is cheating ever okay?

71) Are you mean?

not usually no

72) Can you keep white shoes clean?

not really lol

73) Do you believe in true love?

yeah

74) Do you like the outside?

yeah!!! esp when it’s warm or sunny or just nice weather!!

75) Are you currently bored?

not really but kinda,,,

76) Do you wanna get married?

idk maybe

77) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

no thats kinda weird to me

78) Are you hungry?

no but i want sweet food lol

79) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

no...

80) What makes you happy?

my friends, my followers, ppl who r cool and nice, anime, cute things + more

81) Would you change your name?

no not really

82) Ever been to Alaska?

no, but im going this summer

83) Do you watch the news?

no lol

84) What’s your zodiac sign?

Aries~

85) Do you like Subway?

its okay, better than mcdonalds

86) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

no bc that was my mom

87) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

freak out lol

88) Do you talk like your friends?

do i? a bit yeah,, ive noticed lol

89) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?

all the time in public

90) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

not that i can think of

91) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

one of the alexs -.-

92) Does it matter if your boyfriend smokes?

eh i mean,,, a bit

93) Can you count to one million?

well yeah but im not doing it rn

ey so im tagging (you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to):@ruyi, @orangejuicymatsu, @fadeslikewhispers. @yolkygoblin, @yew2, @mothsky, and anybody who wants to do this!

#i was too lazy to tag more but if u want to do it just say that i tagged u #pls do #i only tagged my irl friends so dont feel left out anybody #etc #p long eh

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theprettysettersclub · 7 years

Text

tagged by @kawaii-kozume

1) Are you really ready for 93 questions?

am i ever ready for anything

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?

never been in a relationship

3) Who did you last say “I love you" to?

probably @purpleninjadancer

4) Do you regret it?

nope

5) Have you ever been depressed?

6) Are you a boy or girl?

i mean y’know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

7) Who is your best friend?

@purpleninjadancer

8) How do you want to die?

tbh lowkey wanna die in like a really stupid way

9) What did you last eat?

leftover lasagna

10) Played any sports?

i swim

11) Do you bite your nails ?

no but i pick at them when i’m stressed

12) When was your last physical fight?

never

13) Do you have an attitude?

yes i do

14) Do you like someone?

15) What is your real name?

Nikki

16) Are you gonna get high later?

nah

17) Do you hate anyone at the moment?

absolutely. I have a list

18) Do you miss someone?

i miss a lot of people

19) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?

why would anyone ever cut spaghetti

20) Do you tan a lot?

not really

21) Have any pets?

one dog and three cats

22) How exactly are you feeling?

i could fall asleep right now

23) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?

of course

24) Ever made out in the bathroom?

nah

25) Would you take any of your exes back?

dont have any exes

26) Are you scared of spiders?

ok its not that i’m afraid of spiders, but if i see one and i’m not expecting it then i will either scream or hit it

27) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

probably

28) Do you regret anything from your past?

a lot of things

29) What are your plans for this weekend?

i’m going to anime milwaukee

30) Do you want to have kids?

not particularly

31) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?

mom lmao

32) Do you type fast?

haha no

33) Do you have piercings? How many?

i’ve got my ears pierced

34) Want any more?

not really bc i never even wear earrings now

35) Can you spell well?

i like to think so

36) Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah

37) What are you craving right now?

ice cream

38) Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope

39) Have you ever been on a horse?

once in tennessee and it wasn’t my favorite

40) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?

nope

41) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

not that i’m aware of?

42) Have you ever been cheated on?

can’t be cheated on if you’ve never been in a relationship

43) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

nope

44)Would you live with someone without marrying them?

absolutely

45) What should you be doing?

homework or working on fics

46) What’s irritating you right now?

how much hw i have for math

47) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

i mean i’m doing it right now

48) Does somebody love you?

??? idk

49) What is your favorite color?

seijou blue

50) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

51) Do you have trust issues?

lowkey sometimes i do bc of insecurities

52) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah i think so

53) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

~no ex~

54)Who was the last person you cried to?

i think it was my brother

55) Do you give out second chances too easily?

yes because everyone deserves a second chance, but that’s usually it

56) Is it easier to forgive or forget?

probably forget

57) Is this year the best year of your life?

not really

58) What was your child hood nickname?

the only thing ive ever really been called was nikki

59) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

nope

60) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i think so but i also believe in chance so basically everything happens and you have to find the reason for it

61) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

work on one of my fics and snapchat a friend

62) Do you socialise often?

i mean i have to bc school. out of school not so much

63) What is bothering you?

ap physics is hard

64) Have you ever been out of your state?

ya a couple of times and ive even been out of the country twice

65) Do you play the Wii?

yeah but like half the time its for gamecube games

66) Are you listening to music right now?

yep. i can’t stand the silence it makes me uncomfortable

67) Do you like Chinese food?

not particularly

68) Do you know your fathers b- day?

its sept 7 or 8 i think but idk

69) Are you afraid of the dark?

no but i am afraid of my fireplace in the dark

70) Is cheating ever okay?

71) Are you mean?

not usually but if you’re one of the few people i legitimately dislike i can be the meanest person you’ve ever met because i don’t forget things

72) Can you keep white shoes clean?

for a while but after a bit i don’t see a reason to

73) Do you believe in true love?

i think so

74) Do you like the outside?

only when it’s relatively cold bc otherwise i get too hot

75) Are you currently bored?

not really but i’m also not not bored

76) Do you wanna get married?

idk maybe

77) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

idk

78) Are you hungry?

i mean i really want my icecream

79) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

nah

80) What makes you happy?

haikyuu, miss kobayashi’s dragon maid, comments on fanfics, all my internet friends, @purpleninjadancer

81) Would you change your name?

i might

82) Ever been to Alaska?

nope

83) Do you watch the news?

not nearly as much as i should

84) What’s your zodiac sign?

taurus

85) Do you like Subway?

not at all

86) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

i don’t even remember the last person i kissed so probably

87) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

hope it’s platonically

88) Do you talk like your friends?

probably

89) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?

all the time in public or if i just can’t deal with it then

90) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

ya our friendship revolves around sending memes to each other

91) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

probably ethan

92) Does it matter if your boyfriend smokes?

as long as he doesn’t do it around me

93) Can you count to one million?

i mean i can but why would i

i’m gonna tag @haikyuuliberos, @purpleninjadancer, @space-bees, @fairyfairypie, @megane-oikawa, and @thehibiscusthief

#pretty little ace #wow this was long omg

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