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freedfromthegalactichivemind · 2 years

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Etherian Post-War Safety-Course for Younglings

(or Kindergarten Kaboom!)

She-Ra fanfiction Rated G Comedy Entrapta, Hordak, Catra, Pickles the Clone

Inspired by conversations had with @jidblogger

Summary: In the aftermath of the wars with the Horde, both cosmic and domestic, many dangerous weapons were left behind all over the planet. Clean-up work will take a long time and discarded weapons will pose a danger to civilians for years to come.

As part of their community service, former members of the Horde have been assigned to go to public schools to inform children as to what weapons look like and to avoid touching them if they find them. Entrapta, Catra, Hordak and a clone who has volunteered to assist them have been assigned to speak at a kindergarten. It goes...um...well? (A bit removed from the real-world version of this as I wanted to keep a lighthearted spirit. In our world, landmines from ancient wars are still a problem and they maim and kill in many parts of the world - very often children out playing. In my story, since it is in response to a comedy-vein ask, I firmly went with the ‘80s cartoon style for a reboot-series story of “The Horde uses stun-weapons / the Horde doesn’t use real bullets, etc.” because I really didn’t want to show lack of respect for a serious real world problem). I tried to keep this funny with character-writing / character-focus.

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Etherian Post-War Safety-Course for Younglings (or Kindergarten-Kaboom!) “Class! Class! Settle!” The Afternoon Kindergarten at Mystacor Elementary School was rambunctious after their nap and Graham crackers. Several of them were weaving simple sparkle-spells and making misshapen animals and funny monsters out of light, the stuff of crayon-drawings done with magic. One little boy started levitating the paperweight off of Ms. Astral’s desk. She closed her eyes, put her fingers to her forehead briefly and then calmly grabbed it from the air and put it back. She’d been told that she’d taken up an especially difficult assignment and would have had an easier time if she’d chosen to teach in almost any other Etherian kingdom. Mystacor was, of course, the home of sorcerers’ children. Ms. Astral stood before the class and raised her voice for attention. She held her hands cupped and crossed out before her. “Class? Classs! We are having some special guests to speak with us today! They are here as part of the Horde Rehabilitation Program and are going to speak to you about safety. Won’t that be exciting?” There were a few groans. A few faces brightened at the mention of the Horde, a fascination with former enemies. There were some shocked gasps. A few of the more anxious kids fidgeted and looked afraid. Ms. Astral jumped back as she opened the classroom door to let her class’ guests inside. She taught a diverse classroom and encouraged respect for all manner of people, but she could not help but be intimidated by the first entrant. Like many Etherians, she was taking some time getting used to the clones. They had sharp claws, sharp teeth, unnerving eyes without visible pupils and, most of all; they were big – just big. This one blinked - those weird eyes wide, green and glowing. “Um… is this Ms. Astral’s kindergarten?” he asked. “Y-yes,” Ms. Astral answered him. Tall, predatory- a super-soldier with just the slightest hint of machine-sounds as he moved… The young woman reminded herself that there were clones in Mystacor. Some of her students’ families had even adopted a few. She, herself, had little contact. Did this one have to wear the old uniform? She noted that the Horde-wings sigil had been crossed out with a large red diagonal line, so she knew she was not dealing with a Prime-loyalist. Maybe this one was one of those who were not yet comfortable with Etherian clothing. He bowed. “I am here to assist my most esteemed brother,” (he said “esteemed” with an emphasis on the last syllable) “The Promised Defiant! The First of the Named! The Legendary-” “Pickles, stop.” The clone awkwardly straightened up and entered the classroom in full at being broken out of his spell by the voice behind him. Ms. Astral’s eyes widened. She stared up at the figure that was looming before her. Steel-toed boots, a black dress (no sigil), heavily-armored arms, a collar with a gently glowing purple crystal in its center, a white face, red eyes lined in black and Stygian blue hair… Completing the look was a scowl that could sour milk. “L-lord Hordak?” He closed his eyes and held up a hand. “Not ‘Lord’ any longer, just Hordak,” he said, “or, if you wish, ‘Atoner.” “Hah! Way to be overdramatic! Don’t mind him…he’s always so emo at these things!” Sashaying her way in was a young woman who led with her tail. She spun around and casually looked at the claws of one of her hands. “Anyway, let’s get this over with! The sooner we get done with our mandated community service for the day, the sooner we can leave!” “You shall have to excuse Catra,” Hordak apologized to the teacher. “She does not take these things as seriously as she should.” A whirlwind of purple suddenly burst into the classroom. “Hey, kids! Who’s ready for SCIENCE?!” “A princess?” one of the children cried.

“A princess is here!” a couple of others shouted.

“It’s the pretty-hair one!” a little girl exclaimed. “Hey, can we brush your hair?” “Why do you even care about that?” another kid said, “She’s the one who builds ROBOTS! Robots are soooo cool! Didja bring any robots?” “YES!” Entrapta loudly proclaimed, “You’re all going to meet my best friend, Emily, today! She’s outside, though, so it will be later!” “Ooh!” all of the kids gasped at once. “Lord Hordak! Lord Hordak!” one doe-eyed boy asked, raising a chubby little hand toward the ceiling, “Did you bring your baby, too?” “My…baby?” Hordak snorted, going cockeyed. “Don’t you have a little blue-guy…” one girl resembling a horned-lizard stammered, “And he’s got wings and a tail and he looks kinda like my little brother, Dougie.” “I left Imp in the care of trusted subordinates,” Hordak answered. “Er…um…friends. Friends.” “Anyway!” Ms. Astral announced, clapping her hands. “Our speakers are here today to tell you about Horde-weapons and what to do if you see any old Horde-weapons lying around!” “Safety First!” Entrapta said with a bounce. She lifted one tendril of her hair up in a finger to the oohs and ahs of the class. Ms. Astral gratefully sat down at the corner of the classroom. “Pickles! Can you write on the chalkboard for me?” The white-clad clone delicately took a piece of chalk from the liner of the chalkboard and started writing in big letters: “Softy Farst: Harde We-pons.” “Oh, oh, you spell it like this,” Entrapta corrected him, erasing part of his lettering and showing him what characters to write. She turned to the teacher and to the class. “He’s still learning how to write Etherian-Standard.” “Ah, okay, like this?” Pickles asked. For flourish, he wrote Hordish characters beneath the newly-scrawled “Safety First: Horde Weapons.” “And you want to become a teacher…” Catra scoffed. “Sister Entrapta says I have to start somewhere!” Pickles countered, “Which is why I am following your community-service as a teacher’s aide! Glory be, the things I am learning!” “None of us are perfect!” Entrapta chimed, “and he’s grasping our languages surprisingly well for having it just dropped on him!” “Fair enough. Shadow Weaver barely taught me anything.” Catra commented, “I had to learn from copying Adora. At least the teacher doesn’t smell like booze.” “I would never drink on duty!” Ms. Astral asserted indignantly.

Catra sniffed. “She’s using cat-senses!” Entrapta loud-whispered to the class. “Fascinating!” “Nope, no wine,” Catra said. “This place reeks of crayons and play-clay. Wow, you kids don’t know how lucky you have it! All we Horde-cadets had to play when I was your age was scrap metal, dead rats and stun-grenades.” “Dead rats? Ewww!”

“Grenades? Cool!”

“You can smell our crayons? What does yellow smell like?”

The kids were all talking at once.

Hordak held up a finger and his ears were pinned to the sides. His previous milk-souring scowl had officially turned into a glare that could scare said soured milk into instant hard cheese. “How did you get into the grenades?” he demanded, “They were for battle-use only! Using them for sport was well against protocol!”

“Search me!” Catra snarkily replied “Not my fault the higher officers weren’t securing the munitions sheds! Anyway, we all called them ‘boom-potaters’ and Adora, Lonnie and I would play hot-potato with them all the time!”

“Oooh!” – All eyes were on Catra. “And Adora and I would go up to our favorite spot to watch the moons set – it had a view of the entire Fright Zone and we’d just lob those suckers off of there and see how far we could throw them! It was a contest! I once got one straight through the window of Shadow Weaver’s office and she never caught us! And one time, we blew up a sewage pipe…” Hordak was grinding his teeth. “So THAT was the mysterious explosion that destroyed the plumbing system for a week! I had to make arrangements with the inspector and re-format the pipes MYSELF! It took precious time away from our Fifth March on Thaymore and…” “Yeah, yeah, I know, it was a total mistake!” Catra said with a dismissive wave. “We had to sh…” she remembered her audience suddenly, “We had to make poo-poo and pee-pee in boxes and jars for a week. It wasn’t fun and it was smelly.” The classroom burst into an uproar of laughter. “And you see, class,” Entrapta chimed, “This is why you shouldn’t play with any grenades you find! You could mess up an entire infrastructure system and have to go potty in a box for a week! And I bet there were no baths, either!” Catra wrinkled her nose. “Yeah. We could all smell Hordak coming.” “WHAT?” “You already smell like machine-oil and blood. I bet you don’t even notice what you smell like unwashed!” “Did you not have an amniotic-fluid shower set up, Brother?” Pickles asked. “I had to… make do… with local limitations,” Hordak grunted. “And I bet the former Force Captain smelled of unwashed fur.” “Wrong!” Catra gave one of her arms a long lick. She flicked her ear. “Part-cat! We’re self-cleaning!” “Moving on?” Ms. Astral inquired. “Oh, yes!” Entrapta said with a big grin. She pulled a small device from her hair. Ms. Astral went stark white. Several children ducked under their desks. A few children remained seated and leaned over their desks looking forward. Entrapta held aloft, in one tendril of hair, a standard-issue Etherian Forces Horde Stun-Grenade. “Oh, don’t worry!” she said. “I deactivated it!” “Are you sure?” Catra asked. “Yep!” Entrapta slammed the grenade down on the teacher’s desk. Children screamed. Ms. Astral jumped and shielded the children at the front. When the explosion didn’t’ happen, they all looked up cautiously to see Entrapta holding two halves of a grenade, showing the interior components.

“See?” she said. “Every Etherian-Horde Grenade has a liquid-chamber inside!” She held up a tiny vial with a red liquid. “I took it out for the demonstration. See, nice and safe! Oops!”

The vial slipped through the silky tendrils of her hair. She swiftly caught it in one of her gloved hands. “Oooh, good thing that didn’t happen! If it had hit the floor and broke, everything would have gone kaboom! Which would have been AWESOME! And…bad…um…very bad.” Ms. Astral did not drink on duty. However, at the moment, she wished for whiskey. Entrapta held the vial out for the children to see (as soon as they’d stopped ducking, letting their curiosity overcome them). “It is an explosive compound. Your Principal didn’t want me to explain the chemistry because they thought it was too advanced for you, but I just think she just doesn’t want you all to make it, which is ridiculous because I was making explosive-compounds when I was three and I turned out fine.” “Perhaps I should take that while you show them the rest, Entrapta,” Hordak offered, gently taking the vial with a thumb and forefinger. He placed it in a compartment on his hip-guard. “Okay, so take a look at the inside of the grenade!” Entrapta said, holding out a half. “So, the vial you saw fits into here, and the charge is here! And when you pull the pin, this mechanism here strikes the vial, which causes a chain-reaction in the chemicals and makes a BIIIIIG stun-charge! Oh, and you should never, ever pull the pin with your teeth! That’s a great way to make your head explode into sloppy spaghetti! KER-BOOM!”

She was laughing maniacally. Some of the children hugged each other. Some hugged Ms. Astral. Others…started laughing manically. Hordak sighed and addressed the class. “The point of all this is not to touch them. If you see a grenade when you are out…um…playing? Playing, was it? With your little friends, you should report it to an adult for proper containment and disposal.”

Pickles held up a finger. “Oh! And if you see any white ones, definitely do not touch them! They are the same model on the exterior, but they are Prime’s! My most exalted Brother, Hordak worked primarily in the non-lethal phase of conquest! Weapons from the Fright Zone will still hurt you, but Prime’s will kill you!”

He drew pictures of several robots and ships on the chalkboard very quickly. They were extremely skilled, like blueprints – exacting, the kind of plans drawn by one who had them programmed into his brain. “Prime,” he stated, “Had four phases of conquest when he found a planet inhabited by intelligent beings. The first was Gospel – he would announce his presence and welcome everyone to enter peacefully into his Light. If the entire population did not obey immediately, the second phase was Subjugation. Etheria spent most of its time in this.” The clone pented his hands gently, “This was non-lethal warfare, stun-beams and containment of towns. We Brothers of Prime were authorized to use some force, but were not authorized to end lives, for all creatures great and small belonged to Prime. After that, there was True War – the lethal phase to gain control if the populace was stubborn, and the final phase, when Prime had given up bringing a hopeless world into the Light was Annihilation.”

Hordak flicked an ear. “Indeed, I spent most of my conquest of Etheria in the Subjugation-phase lacking direct orders from Prime.” He looked down. “People did… die by my hand, but I thought it prudent to gift as many resources – including the living – into Prime’s hand.”

The children regarded him with some fear.

Pickles smiled brightly, reaching over to pat Hordak on the shoulder. “But we all know that Prime lied now! And he cannot hurt any of us anymore because he is super-duper dead! The once Reagent of the Seven Skies is the Regent of a Thosuand Worms! Deader than dead! He Without Existence! The Lonesome Wanderer of Pure Oblivion - !” “But his weapons can hurt you!” Entrapta fielded. “This is a land mine!” Ms. Astral stood and shielded her children again. Catra laughed. “Oh, that’s a model. Adora took away all the real ones she tried to bring in!” “Oh, no, this one is real! I smuggled it in!”

Catra’s eyes went wide. “Entrapta!”

“They have to know what a real one looks like, riiiight?’ She set it on the floor. “Prime’s robots buried a bunch of these in the ground and covered them with grass and stuff. And if you step on them, you go kaboom!”

She STOMPED on the mine.

The entire class screamed. “I disabled it!” she exclaimed. She held it up in her hair, showing that it was a hollow shell. Catra’s nose wrinkled. “I smell pee,” she said.

“Honestly,” Hordak said smoothly, “I am surprised that we have, thus far, avoided explosions.” “Alright class, calm down…uh…heheh...uh...heh?” the teacher stammered. “Are there any other things that the children should watch out for?”

“Oh, very much yes!’ Entrapta exclaimed. “All robots are to be reported to the Dryl offices! That’s my domain!”

“And you should never repurpose tanks for parties, like those idiots in Elberon did,” Catra added, flicking her tail. “They stuffed the canon full of confetti. I’m surprised they didn’t blow themselves up!”

Hordak drew a small staff from a carrying case. “This,” he said, “is a stun-baton. They were standard-issue for my troops. They were also standard issue in the Galactic Horde.” He turned to the class, holding it aloft. “If you find any, please do not play with them. Entrapta, will you demonstrate?”

“Okie dokie!”

The teacher yelped as Entrapta started lifting up her top.

“No! No! No! No! You can’t get naked in front of CHILDREN!”

“Naked? Huh?’ Entrapta said, smoothly turning around. She kept her shirt partially pulled up, showing her back to the class, her front firmly covered. “Pish! Don’t get in a tizzy, I’m just showing off my back! See this scar, kids? I got it from a stun baton!”

Catra was cringing. Her ears were back, her head was down, she had one hand wrapped around an arm and her tail tightly coiled around one leg.

Entrapta pulled down her shirt. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Oh! Oh! And this is exactly how the baton disrupts the humanoid nervous system!”

She was scribbling on the chalkboard with multiple chalk-pieces in tendrils of her hair. Soon, there was a human body, a brain, a spinal cord and various branching nerves. She was drawing arrows representing flow. “Oh, the electrons go in here, and they seize up the brain and you wake up with a BIIIIIG headache, believe me!”

Catra was still looking down. Hordak subtly growled and gave her a sideways look. He smoothly pressed a switch on the stun baton, bringing a web of crackling electricity to life. “IT’S LIVE?!” Ms. Astral screamed. “Of course it is. My cadets trained with these often and learned to build up a resistance. They do not hurt much when on their lowest setting.” “I got a high dose!” Entrapta chimed. “Fortunately, we do have a lab-animal to demonstrate the effect on,” Hordak rumbled. “Oh, no!” Catra said, backing up, holding up her hands. “You aren’t using that on me!” Hordak gave her a wicked smile. “You do want to educate the children, do you not?’ Before Catra could make a move of self-defense, Entrapta beamed and withdrew a stuffed animal from under the desk. “Tada!” she said, presenting a pink fuzzy plush creature that resembled a koala crossed with an owl with big, floppy ears. Hordak strode over to it and plunged the active stun baton down on its head. Smoke rose from it and it burst into flames. The sprinkler-system activated. The children screamed and laughed. “Alright, children! Single file!” Ms. Astral instructed, making the evacuation calm. Entrapta was laughing. “Time for the outdoor demonstration!” she chimed. “Who’s ready to see some ROBOTS?!” “There…there’s MORE?” the exhausted and exasperated teacher quailed. “MUUUUCH MORE!’ Entrapta said, leaning up on her hair and coming close to Ms. Astral’s face. Hordak and Pickles walked straight and stiff. Catra sighed. Entrapta expanded her hair and shepherded many excited children out to the playground outside the classroom. “Emily!” she exclaimed as the robot beeped and trundled her way. Children squealed and surrounded her. Emily tucked in her legs and rolled. “She’s a giant ball!” some kid laughed. She rolled to a stop and Entrapta patted her on her top. “Emily was a standard Horde search and destroy drone!” she explained. “I met her when I was chasing a little cleaner-bot in the Fright Zone! I reprogrammed her and have given her loads of upgrades! Queen Glimmer made me get rid of her steel-melting laser, which was so poop of her, but Emily retains a whole range of complex capabilities. She’s smart and affectionate, too!” Entrapta clapped. “Show them your shuffle, Emily!”

Emily danced around in a kind of crab-walk. The children cheered. “Now, I am going to show you all of the components of a Fright Zone drone – with Emily’s assistance! Now, most of them should be out of commission and the rest I’ve reprogrammed for rebuilding-help! However, if you meet one when out playing on the planet’s surface, there are some safety things you need to know!” Emily obediently raised up for her so Entrapta could show the rapt children how her legs worked. She then pointed to her optic. “Here is the optic – she sees through this and this is also where she could fire a laser if she still had one. All she has now is a pointer-light. Anyway, you just need to dodge to the side here to get out of the sight-range, and if you hear a ‘whoooo’ powering up, stop, drop and roll!” “If you have claws or can get your little fingers under the chassis,” Catra said, you can rip out their ‘guts!’ The main power-unit is right under here!” Emily backed away from her. “Okay, who wants to play a game of ‘Search and Destroy’ with Emily?” Entrapta announced. “She’s got her harmless laser-light and her optics and she won’t hurt you. It’s like Hide and Seek! She’ll beep loudly when she finds you! Go, go, go!” Ms. Astral sighed as the children scattered in all directions, climbing playground equipment and trees. They hid behind playground cubby-boxes and bushes. Emily spun around, seeking a target. “I assure you that no harm shall come to them,” Hordak said to the teacher. Pickles slunk down and got into a hunting mode, himself, deciding to up the excitement of the game by adding a Galactic Horde warrior to the mix. “You have been captured!” he said to a squirming boy with goat-horns as he grabbed him from behind a tree. “Alright… I guess this relieves the tension from earlier,” the teacher said, wiping her brow. “But please, if you come to my class again, DON’T SET THINGS ON FIRE!” Laid out on a table were various tools, scrap and a few weapons that were to be a part of the demonstration (Entrapta wanted to show the kids how to build small robots if they had time, just to make EXTRA SURE they wouldn’t accidentally build one if they found old Horde-scrap). Hordak was guarding it when a small boy ran right up to it and grabbed one of the grenades. “I’ve got a boom-potater!” he cried in triumph. “No, you little fool!” Hordak hissed running after him. “Let’s play hot-potato!” he squealed, tossing it toward a pair of children who were outrunning Emily. In an instant, Hordak launched himself between the children and the stun-grenade. He took it full in the chest. A loud boom sounded and a flash of red light temporarily blinded everyone in the area. His armored form ragdolled, almost going right off the edge of the floating island they were on. He came to rest in a rumbled heap on his side and didn’t move. Entrapta was immediately on her feet running toward him. “Brother!” Pickles cried. Catra held some of the children back. The two that had been the ‘hot-potater’ target stood with Hordak at their feet. Inquisitive kindergartners climbed down from trees and playground equipment. “Is he…dead?” worried children said, approaching him. “Poor old vampire…” one little girl lamented. One of the little boys nudged his head with a toe. Entrapta was soon bent down before him, checking his armor and his vitals quickly with both her hair and her hands. “He’s okay!” she said with a thumbs up as he opened his eyes and groaned. “Brother, would you like some help up?” Pickles offered. Hordak grunted as Entrapta lifted him to his feet with his hair and helped him to limp to a bench. Ms. Astral stood in stark wonderment. “Give him his space, children,” she instructed. “I believe our safety lesson is over for the day?” Here today, the once Scourge of Etheria had just risked his life and gotten himself hurt to save her children. Of course, he’d kind of saved them from himself since the Horde guest-speakers had brought weapons to class in the first place, but at this point, she was going to take any blessings she could get.

When Adora, Bow and Glimmer showed up to pick up their community-service-servers they found Hordak sitting on a bench, sipping tea with a blanket over his shoulders and a gaggle of children looking up at him adoringly, one latched onto his right leg as he kept his ears down with a subdued scowl. Catra was lobbing stun-grenades into a duck-pond to delighted squeals, Pickles was gently hugging a sobbing kindergarten teacher and Entrapta was leading an army of youngsters who had built small robots that were demanding in mechanical voices “Cook-ies! Cook-ies!”

“I think we need to rethink this part of the Horde Community Service Program,” Bow said as Adora tried to stop Catra and Glimmer balled up her fists, ready to explode.

#spop #she-ra fanfiction #hordak #catra #entrapta #horde clones #spacebats #pickles the clone #comedy #humor #post-canon #post-season 5 #horde community service #use of mere stun-weapons to keep to the spirit of the series both past and present #and to not show disrespect to the tragic real world version of this

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