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#keyboard functionality is taking a huge shit
blood-teeth · 11 months
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05.19.23
howdy everyone! it's been a long time since i've done one of these. also this is going to be a long post, so if you're like "i'm not reading allthat but stay safe tho" im sorry in advance.
i was going to wait until the two year anniversary of TMITAWH to post this, but i've been getting more and more asks about the status of this game, why it's on lockdown, when it's coming back, etc. largely, i've been dodging these questions or answering them with a vague "oh, i'm working on it!" which is very much the truth. just, not the entirety of it.
the truth is this: the story is done.
the real truth is this:
actually, before i get into that, i wanted to mention something else. i know i've waxed poetry over and over again and maybe it's getting annoying to hear it - so i'm very sorry - but it really is important to me to mention this because it's the motivation and the life-force behind everything that i do on this blog. i wanted to say thank you. i remember typing up the intro post to TMITAWH after getting the second COVID shot, delirious, but bolstered by a fever that had rendered me brave. i've been writing this story since 2019, i had the vision, the characters, the aesthetics and the understanding and i wanted to desperately to share. i never expected the level of support and love from so many of you. i've never had people genuinely vested in my worlds or characters. i remember getting the first comment about the prologue and slamming my computer shut and freaking out. i cried when i got my first ask telling me how much they'd love it, despite the small amount of content. the fever may have given me the courage to post it, but y'all gave me the courage to continue. and that means more to me than anything means to me in this world. for two whole years!! you've dealt with my wildly out of pocket thoughts, long absences, and have continued to show your willingness to continue the exercise in patience. i dont have people in real life that would do that for me. so thank you, thank you for being here, thank you for caring, thank you for the sweet comments. i wasn't lying when i said that i keep most asks unanswered because i go back and read them, hold the words close to my chest, and convince myself that i can do what i want to do when it comes to storytelling. thank you. forever and always. i know this feels maybe so much like im baring my soul, but i think it's important. TMITAWH saved my life. I mean that in every understanding, with the breadths and depths of my soul. I mean that with all the fibers and cells and atoms that make up me. This story saved my life. it's important to me that you know that in so many ways you all did, too.
so much of the reason i've been sitting on this is honestly mostly fear. it's choking me now as i write this. i'm scared of y'alls reaction, i'm scared of potentially disappointing anyone, and i'm scared of people just being overall pissed off. which i would get! this is not why the majority of you are following me. i'm asking for grace, for understanding, for mercy.
so, the real truth is this:
Tell Me If There's A Way Home is complete. there's a beginning, of sort, a middle, an end. but, it is not complete in the way you might expect an IF to be complete.
this is, simply, because Tell Me If There's A Way Home has been re-written and re-formatted into a novel.
over this past year, i was struggling with the story. things had along the way stopped making sense. this WAS the story i wanted to tell, i knew what had to happen in order to get the whole point of it across. is it better to get back what you've lost, what does it look like when you do get it back? but there was something that wasn't working. i could force the scenes, have The Traveler spend time with Cain in his little house talking about his past, or provide the option to explore the peaks of a mountain looking for a legend of old. i could do all this. but it was all wrong. the story had become corrupted along the way and the vision of it that i held onto so desperately was fading into obscurity.
so i opened a new word document and just wrote. i wrote for a whole year, and the story unveiled itself to be in the way i believe it was always supposed to. i understand so much more of this story than i did two years ago. sitting at 90k words, book 1 is officially done. it's essentially the same story you all had read, but different somehow. more than it ever could have been in an IF format. there are the characters you love. there's cain. there's silas. alice of course. there's the traveler as *her* own character. and there's the reverie. but the reverie is no longer Ezio/Elena. it's just elena now. its beautiful, gorgeous elena with her quick smile and hemlock eyes and her memories.
what happens now?
i'll be spending the next few months making the book as perfect as i can make it. i've been working through the rough draft - or alpha draft- and then i will ask some people to see if they want to read draft 2, draft 3 , draft 4. however many drafts it takes until i feel as though i can do no more. after this, i'll query agents and pray to god that in the hellscape publishing is in right now that im offered representation. after this, i'll pray to god that an editor likes the book enough to want to work with me on it. after this, i'll pray to god that a publishing house likes the book enough to buy it, put in on shelves. there's going to be a lot of praying to god. a lot of luck. so i think it'll be a while before anybody gets to hold the book in their hands, but god i hope y'all get to. i really hope you get to. more than that. i hope you want to.
after all of this, i'll be working on book 2. i already have the title. i already have the first chapter. i know exactly what happens and how.
i know there's maybe some confusion, so please feel free to send me asks about it. i will happily and gladly answer what i can and discuss it.
i'm so so sorry for the long post. this all felt important to mention and it felt important to be transparent with y'all. this was becoming a secret too hard to keep and i'm glad that i dont have to anymore. i hope you're not mad, disappointed, etc. that would really suck ass. i hope you're excited, maybe. i hope you're curious.
anyway. thank you for getting this far, if you did. thank you. i love you. i'll talk to you soon <3
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notlevifromobeyme · 1 year
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How the pillars would text you
No smut (wow!!1!)
Warnings: cussing, Tengen being a weird little shit with emojis
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Giyuu
Now he’s not really good with tech
Please don’t judge him
He’s trying I promise
A few errors at first but he gets the hang of it
Still stoic in his texts though
“Do hou mind if I join you on your missson? It’s okay if npt.”
“Yes, you’re welcome to!”
“Okay.”
You’re just kind of used to it but the other pillars are mean to him because of it
Kyojuro
Can’t find the button to turn off caps
Difficult
Types really fast and no one knows what the fuck he’s saying 95% of the time
Doesn’t bother fixing them unless people get the wrong idea
Turned on caps because he tried to be his authentic self but now he can’t find it
Lots of emojis
Please teach this man how to use emojis
“YOJRN3 WELOCKE TO JOIN ME IN MY MISSI’N IF YOU WNAT TO 😀👍!!”
“W”
“What”
“MISSON 😄”
“Okay Kyojuro. I’ll be there.”
“I NEDD TO TURN OFF CAPS HOW FO YOU DO THAT 🤔”
“Don’t worry”
Tengen
Vanilla tbh
Kinda basic
Never thought I’d say that about him
He’d rather talk in person
He’d rather call to hear your “flashy voice”
What the fuck does that mean
Additional emojis
Weird emojis
No context behind them
“You’re welcome to join me on my mission 😉”
“What’s with that emoji?”
“Don’t worry about it 😘”
“Mkay…” scared for your life and pussy
Gyomei
Cannot function
His hands are too big
Needs a goddamn iPad
Settings to listen to what he’s typing
Takes a bit to adjust to the keyboard
Very formal when he does
Pls don’t text him smexy texts people will hear the message ring out
“I wanna ride that huge cock when you come home heart emoji”
“You are welcome to join me on my mission.”
“Okay! I’ll be there.”
“Okay.”
Muichiro
Forgets to respond
If he does he uses absolutely no punctuation and no uppercase letters
Doesn’t give a fuck
Doesn’t text you first
Only texts you if he forgets something
Figure it out
If he makes an error he won’t correct it
Loves you just doesn’t bother
“u can come with me if u wnat idc”
“Okay, Mui.”
“k”
Mitsuri
Very dramatic
SO MANY EMOJIS/EMOTICONS
Kinda role plays in her texts?
Seems to put an exclamation point at the end of everything
“Honey! 。^‿^。 You’re welcome to join me on my mission!! ♡♡(ノ´ヮ´)ノ*: ・゚
“I’ll be there sweetie!”
“Sweetie?! Ohh, you’re so cute! ♡(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)”
Obanai
No fucks given
Doesn’t care who it is
Dry asf
Best he’ll give you is a period at the end of a sentence
Doesn’t start a lot of conversations
“you can come with me on my mission.”
“Okay!”
“mk.”
Sanemi
Surprisingly formal if you don’t get on his nerves
Only texts you if he wants something from you
Doesn’t wanna get bullied like Tomioka
But nobody will because everyone is fucking terrified
If you get on his nerves it’s insults and caps
“You’re going on this upcoming mission with me. Get ready.”
“I don’t wanna. I’m exhausted.”
“The fuck you mean?”
“Shut up. Go with someone else.”
“DONT TELL ME TO SHUT UP ASSHOLE”
“😐”
“IM DRAGGING YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN ROOM AND YOURE COMING WITH ME FUCKFACE.”
Shinobu
Very nice
Formal
Rarely makes mistakes but she’s still new to this
Likes emojis
Thinks there cute
Doesn’t text a lot though
Would prefer in person
“You’re welcome to come with me to my upcoming mission! ☺️”
“I’d love to!”
“Okay! Come to the butterfly mansion when you’re ready. 🦋”
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zenosanalytic · 2 months
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One of the really interesting/instructive things about VR finally getting to a place where it operates more or less like scifi always envisioned it(relatively lightweight headsets; hand controls) has been finding out that it's actually Shit for information processing. Like: Great for entertainment applications apparently(I've never used it tbf and I'm not currently interested in doing so), seeing HUGE use for just, like, Hanging Out online in improbable spaces, but from everything I've heard/read it's not only clunky and slow for navigating/organizing/processing information, but that whole Thing of "grabbing" and moving stuff around, resizing it and the like, seems to make some people really nauseous.
So, while VR's THERE now, we're probably not going to see VR interfaces taking over internet use anytime soon, cuz it turns out that terminal computers are just Functionally Better -faster, more legible, more comfortable to use- at navigating, organizing, and manipulating data. So like: it seems like we'll definitely have a future of Randos hanging out in impossible cyberbars wearing infinitely creative bodies, but coders will still be out Here, typing away at mechanical keyboards plugged into towers :p
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callmearcturus · 2 years
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SOMEONE ASKED ABOUT MECHANICAL KEYBOARDS
Oh god where to even begin.
I consider custom keyboards to be in that specific niche of "luxury functional" devices. Folks may recall I got mine basically as a gift from my very very kind followers when I was in the midst of writing KTOWL on a fucking cramped Surface keyboard that was actively fucking up my wrists. I wanted to get something that was a meaningful investment, that I could use to write a metric fuckton of words without worrying so much about fucking RSIs.
And now I have TWO because my bro Treeprince bought me another, so I have one for work and one for writing and they are fantastic.
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Top: NovelKeys NK87 Entry Edition kit, Jukebox MT3 keycaps from Drop, Akko Wine Red pre-lubed switches. Bottom: NovelKeys NK65 kit, Timeless Violet Cherry keycaps from Keebmonkey, NK Silk Olivia pre-lubed switches (included in kit).
Okay so what the fuck does that mean?
When you get into this hobby, you are probably going to first Buy a completed keyboard kit then modify it to your tastes later. This is what I did! I got the NK67 Olivia Kit, which came as a full assembled ready to go keyboard in a cute carry case, and I plugged it in and I started typing! Then I bought another keycap set and then Andy got the MT3 Jukeboxes so Tree got me another kit and blah blah.
Once you have a keyboard, the physical case and the brain/PCB you can swap out two things: Keycaps and Switches. This is where the heavy customization come into play.
Lets talk about Switches first.
Switches are these guys.
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They sit underneath the keycaps and they are the thing you press on that touches the brain/PCB of the board and makes the letter appear on your screen. Switches are what make a keyboard mechanical. If you are typing on a normal low price keyboard, you are probably typing on a Membrane Keyboard, which has a sheet of rubbery plastic rather than actual switches.
It took me a long time to figure out that I hated membrane because it kind of hurt my fingers? Like to make the key appear, I would have to FULLY press down on the key and bottom it out and it didn't have any resistance and getting into the habit of pressing every single key as hard as I could-- look, I write several thousands words a day. That fucking hurts after a while.
The difference with switches is that they are a tiny mechanism with a spring that bounces back up. They have an actuation point where the keystroke registers. They have different 'weights' that determine how hard you have to press to reach the actuation point. They also have three main "types":
Linear, Tactile, and Clicky
Clicky: Has an extra plastic bit in the switch housing that MAKES MORE NOISE, these guys are MEANT to be loud. They are imo annoying but they definitely have their fans.
Linear: Smooth press and return, straight up and down. Quietest switch.
Tactiles: The way the mechanism of the switch works, they give you a "tactile bump" when you press and release them. Someone once described it as like popping bubble wrap, the bit of resistance and then the break and bounce back.
You're probably going to want Tactiles or Linears, but if you want a rundown of all three types and more details, here:
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There are also like… fancy boutique switches? Like you will probably hear people talking about shit like the BOX JADES and the HOLY PANDAS and the UT4 BOBAS and such. That's…. high level hobby stuff and really expensive and I would not worry about it.
My advice for starting out with switches is get either some NovelKey Silks or some Akkos. Both are more budget options (especially the Akkos) that give you a customized experience without requiring you to pay out the fucking nose.
Lets take a look at the ones I am typing on right now:
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These are the Akko Wine Reds Lubed.
LUBING IS A HUGE DEAL TO THE KEEB HOBBY. Lubing makes a dramatic difference in the sound that the switches make. Like, enormous. It softens and widens the noise profile of the switch and makes the feel better. Now, if you hang around Keeb community spaces, they swear up and down you need to handlube your switches, with is a literally actually hours long arduous process in which you dismantle every single tiny switch, take some mechanical lube and a lil paintbrush, and you lube every single fucking nope nope nope fuck that nope. I'm not doing it and I don't think you should be doing it. SO instead, just get pre-lubed switches. I have them and they're fine.
So my Wine Reds are Linear, so they don't give me a 'tactile bump' and move smoothly. They require a force of 43gf to press, which is how hard you need to push for it to move. High force is, like, 70. Low low low force is like 30. If you're like me and don't want ur fingers to hurt, its tempting to go super low, but that can lead to mistyping, so resist the urge. Between 40 and 60 is probably good. And the pre-travel is how far you are pushing before the key stroke happens. You don't want that to be too far either but if its too short than you can mistype. Mines 1.9mm and that feels fine.
There are MANY options out there for switches. Here are the ones I researched and was seriously considering for myself before getting my Wine Reds:
AKKO:
Lavender Purple (Tactile, VERY popular cheap switch)
TCC Bluish White (Tactile, bit too much force for me but might be nice for Spacebar/Modifier keys)
Matcha Green (Linear, but force is 50g so it's up there, but apparently feels great to type on)
NovelKeys:
NK_Silk Olivias (came with my first keeb! Linear, low force needed, really nice and quiet)
NK_Cream BOX (has a wider stem which in theory makes for a more steady press, linear)
Kailh BOX Royal (Tactile, actuates at 45g force, bottoms at 70g, that sounds interesting for like spacebars and modifers I think)
There's also a ton of Drop but I'm not interested in Super Fancy ones like the Holy Pandas. They sound Fine to me in all the videos but idk I'm cheapass.
Also if you wanna do Akko, some fucking HERO AND LEGEND did a fastpaced review of nearly every single Akko switch and it's AMAZING.
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OKAY BUT YOU DON'T SEE THE SWITCHES ONCE THEY ARE ON THE KEEB BECAUSE THEY WILL BE COVERED BY
KEY CAPS
This is the fun part. Keycaps are the thinks you probably think of as keys. They are the physical things you are bouncin' your fingers on, and they come in a lot of colors and profiles (shapes) and they are always way more expensive than you think will be.
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quality is bad but you get the idea
Only you are going to know what kind of keycaps you want and there are a metric fuckton so here's general advice:
SEARCH FOR IN-STOCK KEYCAPS. The Keeb community is fucking weird in that they do this thing called "group buys" which are overpriced limited runs on super special keycaps. You buy into them during the Interest Check period and then you get them in the mail after they're actually made. This can take anything from 3 months to over 2 fucking years. Just… don't. Look for in-stock shit. There's plenty around.
ABS vs PBT. These are the materials the keys are made of. Generally speaking it seems PBT is better, it doesn't get that finger smudge shine as quickly, but there's still plenty of good ABS out there.
I would really really really recommend trying to buy from a US-located company because the fucking shipping is atrocious otherwise. Buy fron Drop or Novelkeys, and you're going to get your stuff in a week or less. Buy from KBRepublic and you'll be paying out the ass for shipping and it'll get there in 2 months. (Or will be cancelled 40 days after you ordered them and you'll have to put in a ticket for a refund, just buy from your continent, jfc.)
As usual, Akko has AMAZINGLY well-priced options and a lot of their stuff is on Amazon. If you can, get their shit from Amazon. I ordered my Wine Reds direct and they took 3 agonizing weeks and in that time the Wine Reds came back into stock on Amazon. SIGH.
PROFILES MATTER but you probably won't know what you like. At the moment I have three keycap sets, SA/MT3, DSA, and Cherry. Cherry and OEM are the ones you are probably used to unless you are using shitty chiclet keys. I like my Cherry profiles alright (you can see them in my photo, the smaller keeb) but I am IN LOVE with my MT3s. They have a lil scoop on top on the cap that my finger lands in when I press and it makes touch-typing easier. Love them to death. But this is going to be ENTIRELY preference. Here's a chart:
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There are so many ADORABLE looking DSA/XDA caps but the typing experience would suck imo.
Also Cherry caps are noisier than my SA/MT3s. (MT3 is a mod of SA, they're on Drop, blah blah.)
SO WHAT TO BUY, WHERE TO START
i have no idea, what do you want?
I have the NovelKeys NK65 and NK87 kits and I love them and they feel INCREDIBLY sturdy and come with carry cases so I can safely take them to work (I do a lot of data entry, these help).
Spacehussy got the Drop Alt and is extremely happy with their build, you can see it over here.
Whatever you get, you WANT TO GET "HOTSWAP". This means you can swap the switches on the fly. If it does not say hotswap, you will be stuck with your switches or you will have to DESOLDER THEM to get them off. Ick.
If you want a budget option, I'm not gonna lie, this guy's video covers a lot of very cheap, very good basics well. Those keebs with the removeable skirt you can spraypaint? Holy shit that's genius.
youtube
(He sounds VERY YOUTUBEY but he knows wtf he's talking about and is frankly way less pretentious than uh some other options. I love to listen to Hipyotech but boy is he kind of a snob.)
Here's just some options you might like that were on my wishlist when I was still researching keebs:
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Keydous NJ80 Bluetooth RGB Hot-Swappable Keyboard
This one is fully built at 200$, you can get it cheaper as a barebones kit if you know you wanna buy your own caps/switches. It's got a knob!
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Womier TKL RGB Hot-Swappable Acrylic Mechanical Keyboard
I don't personally like the ALL GLOWY thing but a lot of people want a big brick that glows. Voila, this is one of those! And Womier has a good reputation.
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AKKO 3068B Plus
AKKO is the king of budget and that's really all there is to say on the matter.
GENERAL STORES I HAVE BOOKMARKED
I have an entire fucking folder of Keeb bookmarks, it's dreadful.
DROP (boards, switches, the fabled MT3 keycaps but WAIT FOR A SALE jfc)
NovelKeys (boards, caps, switches, kits, everything, also is in the US and has good labor practices which matters to me)
VENDOR LIST (this is just a list of trusted vendors AND its organized by where they are located so if you are trying to avoid long shipping times, this is hella useful)
Keychron (extremely sturdy, well-priced boards with extremely ugly caps. good starting point if you know you're gonna want to customize)
CannonKeys (everything shop, kinda pricy but you'll find fancy caps here as well as the infamously good Bakaneko boards)
KineticLabs (keycaps that aren't outrageously priced)
KPrepublic (ENORMOUS selection, but based in China so shipping times are gonna suck, ppl say if you go to their AliExpress shop you can get some things cheaper)
KBDfans (HUUUUUGE selection and has a lot of prebuilts and they will ADD MODIFICATIONS to the board as they build it but you will be paying for each fucking mod, but if you have cash to burn and want someone to lube everything and tape mod it and add foam for you, this is the place. lots of everything. also apparently is cheaper thru Ali.)
r/mk is the hobby's hub but let me warn you right away: these people are fucking snobby snob snobs. come here to look at pretty pictures or to ask specific questions in the daily thread.
there's a ton more but i've been working on this post for like 4 hours now so bye
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drelldreams · 5 months
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Mass Effect Lore: Common technologies in the 2180's (Part 1: Omnitool)
This post is both a collection of canon technologies in the Mass Effect universe, and personal headcanon which may be borrowing common concepts from sci fi.
Part 1 will be dedicated to solely the omnitool, because omnitools provide the user with such a huge amount of features that they deserve their own post.
What is an omnitool?
The omnitool is a microchip implanted underneath the skin which upon activation, can project a holographic screen as well as a holographic keyboard to navigate said screen. However, omnitools can also be navigated via voice demands. Omnitools provide a variety of functions and can do pretty much anything that a computer, smart watch, phone, calculator or tablet could do.
Omnitool activation could be done vocally via a spoken password or in a tactile manner such as touching one‘s forearm in a certain rhythm and pattern.
Microfabricators can generate objects out of microplastic particles, but it isn‘t possible for an object to generate if the omnitool consists merely an implant under the skin. (I don‘t see how that‘s possible without space magic..)
Therefore an additional bracelet has to be worn, which contains the microparticles out of which an object can be forged.
The omnitool can be synced with the translator implant, updating the translator with new translation software.
What can the omnitool do?
Canon:
Allows communication via voice calls, video calls, voice messages and text messages
Provides intranet, internet and extranet access
Allows upload and download of data
Can be used for videography and photography
Can be used to play music
Can provide a flashlight
Provides a wide array of general programs, calendars, navigation programs and maps, note apps, alarms, games and more
Can be used for hacking, coding and decryption
Special programs can be used to utilize the microfabricator to form objects; if the bracelet is charged with certain particles it can also be used to fire particles which are commonly used for combat (incinerate or cryo blast function, for instance)
But that‘s the boring shit. That‘s what phones, tablets and computers can do nowadays, and the combat stuff is covered in the game.
Here‘s my headcanons added to it.
What special functions can an omnitool have?
It can fire fire extinguishing particles. (No pun intended) Meaning that little bracelet actually could serve as a fire extinguisher, using microparticles to extinguish fire.
The microfabricator should be able to forge any tool, such as a screwdiver out of microplastic. That explains why quarians seem to be able to fix things with just their omnitool. No need to take a toolbox with you when you‘ve got your omnitool.
Omnitools should be able to do anything that an advanced calculator can, meaning omnitool calculators provide more functions than a regular phone or tablet calculator. Basically that chip has a build in college level calculator.
Communication aid programs coupled with visors or smart lenses can scan and analyze the body language and facial expressions of conversation partners, listing likely interpretations for those who struggle to read other species.
More advanced omnitool models should be able to aid you with repairs, as well. Take a scan of a broken piece of tech and the omnitool might come up with a diagnostic of it and giving suggestions how to fix it. That would explain why everyone in ME seems so tech savvy - actually the omnitool just provides a ton of help.
Omnitools are capable of measuring pulse, heart rate, blood oxygen, blood sugar levels and blood pressure. They also can monitor sleep quality and duration. Steps taken during the day and stability of walking. Basically they have all the functions of a smart watch.
Just like you can fire a neural shock to disable someone, you can fire a targeted shock in form of a heart defibrillator to revive someone.
Other medical programs provide build in fever thermometer scanners.
Omnitool scans using medical scanners can also provide diagnostic aid, scanning for abnormalities and injuries. The most advanced models are capable of scanning broken bones, essentially having the function of x ray scans.
Certain programs give the user the ability to stimulate the vagus nerve to aid against stress or depression. If nerve stim programs for sexual stimulation are a thing, then this should be within the realms of possibility too. It is possible that this might require a piece of hardware to be synced to, however.
Omnitools also make great morning alarm clocks, being capable of emitting light that emulates a sunrise filling the entire room to wake up a person. The vital scanner takes note of your awakening, which causes the alarm to slowly stop, dimming the lightning and turning down the music volume (if you’ve set a music alarm) slowly.
Some people also like receiving comfortable vibrations through their body through their omnitool to wake up from their sleep.
Other handy stuff that you could fabricate using the microplastic fabricator (aside from blades and tools): cutlery, bowls and cups, razor blades, hair brushes and combs, scissors. Yeah, you‘re gonna have kids in class who forgot to bring their scissors and cut out stuff with omnitool fabricated scissors.
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loud-whistling-yes · 1 year
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💐 (... how many flowers do you think can i get way with- HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS THING THAT SHOWED UP ON MY KEYBOARD)
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SALKHDHSAHLKAS GIVE ME THAT EMOJI HOLY SHIT THATS SO FUNNY
anyways since there's 6 there i guess you get 6 sentences?... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The boy on the ground shakes too, whether in laughter, pain or both she doesn’t know until he cracks a grin of his own, massaging where a bruise would soon appear on his chest.  --- this one is from a mcyt writing/drawing event that i pulled out of a few weeks ago. not sure if i'll ever come around to finishing this fic since i have no need to anymore, but i think its a pretty nice read so far. this section's supposed to be a childhood fic of esmp!pearl and sausage lol
A lonely boy stands on a pillar in the clouds and all the sky can see is him. --- This one’s from an au i was working on?? p sure it was hermit!tommy and sun/moon/star grian/pearl/gem that came from that one post from @/hermitcrossovers. never actually got around to doing much with it though, the docs only has half a page filled 😭
No wonder their bodies break so quickly. It takes longer than a blink, of course. Longer than a sneeze. A yawn perhaps. Or maybe enough time to do a quick stretch only to come back and find out they’re gone. --- okay technically this is half a paragraph but this particular wip was made completely of short sentences that only made sense together so here’s a huge chunk of text from an abandoned drista fic. i have so many drista fics that i never finished you dont even know. something something to love things you can never comprehend 
(God, she hopes he’s scared. Hopes he’s hurting. Hopes that when she dies he dies and he finds out this is what he gets for leaving her alone.) --- yeah another rapid-fire short sentence paragraph so you just get a buy one get more for free deal. this one is a dl!galaxy duo fic i never finished? i think i started this one a few days after session 1 came out and never bothered to continue after session 2 came
The moon was so bright and round that he swore that if he reached for it he would've felt it. --- this one’s from the REALLY shitty old fic i wrote like 2 years ago?? again another dsmp fic i never got around to finishing... i might rewrite this one though, cause the idea itself was pretty neat the execution just sucked ass
Whether he was trembling from the cold water, the excitement, or the fear, Tommy didn’t know, and didn’t care. --- ALSO from previously said shitty fic, cause it actually has some good sentences in between the really really bad ones
oh yeah SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER MAE IT’S BEEN IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS. my brain doesn’t like functioning apparently. also yeah the first wip sentence and everything before that was written the same day the ask was sent, then i got distracted somehow and it got saved into my drafts??? i dont know whats wrong with me
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obitusgnosis · 6 months
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conflicted//afflicted
I keep trying to write out my feelings and thoughts in a dumb hidden (red flag oop) diary app bullshit but it keeps crashing... It's almost kind of cathartic in a way though, like almost therapeutic.. to write it all out, the feeling; the literal feeling of the keyboard buttons is what really does it for me I guess. Writing doesn't have that "umph!" i'm trying to achieve but these damn buttons... hot dog! I love to press these buttons and how they sound when I do. Anyhow, that part is physically therapeutic but it's also really nice to write it all out and then "poof!" gone (even though the app crashing is super annoying and sometimes brings a rage out of me that I thought I had once lost). It's great because I have always had anxieties around keeping written proof of the inner workings of my mind, sometimes for fear of someone else finding and reading my private thoughts and judging me. Other times the fear is of me judging myself and feeling embarrassment for these past feelings.
This fear is now a reality though.
I never had parents that would riffle through my things to get a better understanding of me, that was some tv movie shit. The fear is inherent because it's exactly what I would do to another, snoop to better understand. "Curiosity killed the cat" is basically my unspoken mantra, I wouldn't know how to mind my own business if I tried to... so I fear for my privacy. The fear of being monitored is my new baseline for reality as I had a relational slip up and am now on the thinnest of ice... I made the mistake of showing others who are not my significant other my body and entrusting in them with creative projects which could be seen as intimate (poems, songs creations) and humoring another relationship. On one hand I understand the betrayal that could (did) ensue of sharing intimate parts of oneself with others not in the immediate romantic relationship but I am still unfortunately operating with a mindset geared towards polyamory. I was functioning so well before this monogamous relationship. I treated my friends so well. I operated on a system where I was considering them (small scale in my head as well as generally treating them as I would enjoy to be treated) both platonically and romantically. Though the interactions could get confusing at times I was learning, growing, and seemingly happier. My communication skills were flourishing. I was never afraid to bring anything up no matter how off putting and never afraid to get an answer from my lovely loving friends.
I had so much love in my life and so much support that is missing now as I occupy most of my time hanging out with, working with, or placating my boyfriend so that I can be trusted. I feel as if I have betrayed huge parts of myself I have only really just begun to discover. There are these old lost parts of myself that no longer feel like they have a home within me. I want to make the bed up and invite them back in but it just seems like too much has gone on between who I was and who I am. It seems so dramatic when I write it out but these are the thoughts that swirl around my head and plague me. There are so many things I miss. I miss feeling secure in my decision making. I am being second guessed a lot and it's been messing with the confidence and self assurance I've worked really hard to build up through out the years. I miss not being questioned when I go out and when I come back, I was never raised like that so it seems really out of place and parental almost. I do not like having to answer to anybody in my personal life as most of the world is built so you have to answer to someone, even spiritually so it's really tiring. I miss wearing my clothes and not worrying if someone will be mad, I finally like my body and do not mind showing it off a bit. There are things that feel fundamental to my being that I am expected to ignore or mend for him and I'm not sure its worth the mental toll its been taking. I am so friendly and have such a large capacity for love in all forms, but I feel so closed off from that part of myself. I've been ignoring that more curious, approachable part of myself so I can make him feel safer and more secure in this sham of a relationship. {That was rude, it's not a sham I really do love him I just don't know if I really like myself now that I'm always with him. That's a thought that keeps popping in my head. I don't know if I like who I am when I'm with him... but I really like him.}
He says things like "do you not see the position you're putting yourself in?" or "how do you think someone's going to react" when I wear risque things or want to go to places I have frequented safely before with friends (and even solo) (punk shows, rap shows, local music and art things) It makes me feel so small and dumb. I have gotten by this far by myself and sure as fuck without "an adult" or my parents to hold my hand and make sure it's safe. I sure as fuck don't need the man I'm fucking bugging out about a function he wont even go to. UGH i'm getting amped up again and I can feel the cortisol levels rising along with my blood pressure. I respect him but it's hard to feel equal respect when you came from completely different planes of thinking.
I can't keep feeling punished. It's no way to operate.
I am so angry at myself but also you for how restrictive it can get.
I'm beginning to hate myself so much more for what I did but now I'm starting to resent you for never letting it go. for never letting it breathe. I spend a majority of my days with you and it's still not enough. I don't know what will be.
Last night I was finally honest about how I felt in our relationship for once. I said "I spend every day with you and I still feel like shit" We almost got there to the breaking point I think. Maybe I should have let it happen. Yes, there were fears of next steps and where to go and how to pick up the pieces but my heart ached. How fucking dumb is that, I was almost out and all done and then my stupid fucking heart said wait no we love him, we can have a future with him. I think of things like homemaking and babies and the shining sun and leaves blowing in the wind. It's fucking weird. Just last year I wanted a boyfriend and a girlfriend and to be a token aunty and live in a big village. I feel like someone entirely different and it scares me.
I hate that he thinks a half truth is a lie. halftruth: I love you fulltruth: I love you very much but It eats away at the love I have for myself, I lose respect for myself the more I love you and try to please you. It sickens me how weak I have gotten.
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jessikahathaway · 3 years
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Baby Talk - Part I
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Hellooooo!
I've had this in my WIPs for a while and I wanted to get some of it out so that you all could enjoy it! Let me know what you think and if you want more??? Tag lists are open for all of my ongoing fics so if you want to be added just let me know!
Please enjoy!
Pairing: Jikook X Reader (Jimin X Reader X Jungkook)
Genre: Surrogacy!AU, Polyamorous!AU, Romance. (Future Smut)
Warnings: Medical Procedures, Assault (not descriptive), Profanity. If I forgot anything please let me know!
Words: 11.3k (Phew chill Jess~)
This wasn’t a big deal, you thought to yourself as you signed the paperwork in the clinic.
Just, you know, getting artificially inseminated for money. Nothing weird about that right?
Becoming a surrogate wasn’t something you’d planned on in your life, mainly sticking to your job and working towards a better tomorrow or whatever they say.
You were young, healthy and full of life.
The only thing you lacked, was a full bank account.
The realization hit a little harder than you thought it would. Being a receptionist wasn’t exactly what you’d had planned for your life but, it was simple work and it made you happy.
Going to college wasn’t really ever an option for you anyways. Your parents had died in an accident when you were little, forcing you to go live with your Great Aunt until you turned eighteen. She hadn’t forced you out, but you did leave. Wanting the adventures that life had to offer.
However, you quickly realized that it wasn’t easy pickings out in the world. That’s when the notice came to the door of your apartment that you either paid your late rent in full by the date or you could get your ass out.
Fear trickled down your spine at the thought of being homeless. You briefly thought of going back to your Aunts but, she lived out in the country and the city is where you’d made your home. As much as you cared about her, it just wasn’t going to happen.
That’s when your friend Namjoon and his husband Jim invited you over for dinner.
You were beyond excited, because these two had just had their baby girl Annie.
They had used the local fertility clinic to get a surrogate and had their baby just a month prior. You had been dying to meet the little bundle ever since you heard the news they were having a baby.
God, that kid was going to be spoiled rotten.
Quickly, you had gone over and enjoyed a nice meal with the three of them. Annie still partaking in formula.
You had tried to make conversation, but your eyes kept wandering to Annie and her little hands and feet. You felt a slight clench in your chest at the sight of her round face and sweet eyes.
“Earth to Y/N? You doing alright?” Namjoon’s voice echoed through their lovely, luxe apartment.
“Y-Yeah! Fine, I’m fine,” you smiled.
“You sure?” Jin asked, getting up to take his and Namjoon’s plates to the kitchen.
“Mhmm,” you said, eyes glancing back over at the baby.
“You’re so whipped, Annie has claimed yet another victim,” Namjoon snickered, looking at the blissful gaze your eyes had taken.
“You ever want kids, Y/N?” Jin asked, coming back in with dessert for each of you.
“I guess so, I mean. Just gotta find someone to make the baby with,” you joked half heartedly.
It was no secret among your friends that you were the black sheep. Not dating, not even entertaining the notion of having a significant other. The idea was, honestly, draining.
“Don’t feel like you have to be married to have a kid, Y/N. Single parenthood is just as valid as a couple,” Jin reminded.
“I’m nowhere near financially stable enough to pop out a kid right now,” you sighed.
“No? I thought the job at the hotel was treating you well,” Namjoon said.
“Yes and no, they treat me well. But pay me next to shit... I-I gotta make some quick cash, or I’m gonna be homeless,” you whispered.
“What?!?” The two men shouted, looking at you with heartbreak in their eyes.
“Y/N, why didn’t you tell us you were struggling! We could’ve done something!” Jin says, rubbing his face with frustration.
“No-No! It’s fine, I’ll figure it out! I always do,” you encouraged, trying to keep the fear out of your eyes.
“How far behind on rent are you?” Namjoon asked.
“A little under six grand,” you sighed.
“Y/N!” Your two friends looked distraught.
“I don’t understand how a society can function like this, I hate it,” Namjoon said, looking down at his dessert he no longer wanted.
Annie started fussing, kicking her feet and wanting attention.
Jin sighed and got up, taking his beautiful daughter with him. You and Namjoon sat in cold silence for a while. Neither of you willing to talk to the other.
You were too proud for your own good. Even if it meant crashing and burning, you’d do that before you took anyone’s pity.
“How can we help?” Namjoon asked, looking at you with so much worry.
“I really don’t know Joon, there’s no where that’ll give me that kinda money with my credit and... even if they did I couldn’t pay it back anyways,” you sighed.
“Have you thought about going to school for something? Maybe you can get a degree and, I don’t know I’m pulling at straws here,” he said.
“I can’t go to school Joon, with what money? And even worse, I wouldn’t know what to go into,” you said, swallowing down some more wine.
“I wish we could’ve had you surrogate for us. We paid that woman a small fortune. Had I known you were struggling I would, maybe you could’ve done it instead,” he said quietly.
“How much did you pay her?” You asked.
“Around $80,000,” he said, shrugging.
You choked.
“Damn you filthy rich kids,” you grumbled, crossing your arms over your chest.
“That’s it!” Namjoon said.
“Huh?” You asked, looking at him in confusion and despair.
“You can’t be our surrogate, but you could be someone else’s!”
Your body ran cold at the thought.
“I-I don’t know if I could do that Joon,” you said.
“Doesn’t your family have a high chance of twins?” He said, looking at you with a smile.
“I mean, yes but-”
“Say no more. I know a couple that’s been dreaming of a baby. They actually were supposed to meet the woman who wound up being our surrogate. But she decided to go with us. Jimin and Jungkook, they’re really good people Y/N,” Namjoon said, smiling.
“Namjoon, I don’t know if I can have a stranger’s baby!”
“I mean I won’t force you to sign up or anything. But Jungkook and Jimin are really good guys who have been waiting forever to have a baby. They said they wanted twins but, most importantly they wanted a healthy child. How sweet is that!”
You worried your lower lip with your teeth. This was just ridiculous. There’s no way you’d be able to do it. No way.
“Let me show you a picture of them!” Namjoon said, pulling out his phone.
“Joon really-”
Although, before you could argue anymore, you saw their faces.
A smaller, blond man. Whose smile was brighter than any star. And a taller, lean brunette who looked at the camera with a goofy grin.
“Jimin is the blond, Jungkook is the brunette,” Namjoon explained.
“Okay?” You said, trying to calm your racing heart.
They were both handsome. Deathly so, it made your stomach clench in a weird way to look at them. You wondered what kind of babies they would make. If they had that smile Jimin was packing, no one would be safe. That child would get whatever it wanted.
“I’m just saying, it doesn't have to be them but they’ve wanted a baby for so long and... you could help them with that and get a lump sum of cash on the side. Bad a bing bad a boom! No worries!”
It wasn’t such a hard decision in the end.
You needed the money.
So walking into the clinic had this weird sense of finality to it.
The receptionist looked at you with a smile.
“Hello dear, how can I help you?” She said.
“I-uh, wanted to sign up to be a potential surrogate?” You said, wringing your hands together.
“Of course! Did you bring your medical records and things of the like?”
You nodded quickly, handing over the required paperwork. She clicked away on her keyboard and got you all signed up and ready to go. Soon, you were getting your preliminary check up to see if you were able to have children.
Although your period had some irregularities in the past, the doctor’s said it was probably due to stress and the balancing out of hormones. But it would all work out, you were healthy and fertile!
You managed to tell Namjoon that you signed up without him having a full blown heart attack.
“How long until you need to be out of the apartment?” He asked, sipping his coffee.
“I need to be out in three weeks,” you said softly.
“Well shit you’re kinda on a time crunch there sweets, but don’t worry, you can do it! I’ll let Jimin and Jungkook know that you signed up, they’ll want to meet you. I know it,” he said.
“Namjoon, it’s okay. I don’t care who I surrogate for, as long as it’s soon,” you said, trying to keep your heart rate under control.
“Okay, but Y/N, I’m telling you. They’d be the perfect fit for you!” He said.
You said your goodbyes before hanging up the phone. The days to come would be challenging no doubt.
You were rather popular at the fertility clinic it seemed, because you’d had three meetings already.
One was a couple that had been trying for years and it just wasn’t happening so they were resorting to a different method. Although for this one they wanted to do an egg implantation. You weren’t sure you wanted to do that.
Another was an older couple who looked like they were just planning on having kids but their own clocks ran out.
But finally, you got one more call from the clinic.
“Miss Y/N, you’ve got another request for a meeting,” the receptionist on the other line said.
“Oh? With whom?” You asked.
“A Mr. Park Jimin and a Mr. Jeon Jungkook, they asked for you personally,” she said, tone light.
You almost spit out your drink.
Th-They had asked for you?
The fertility clinic was big, a huge database of surrogates and people willing to conceive for the right price.
But they had asked to meet you.
Personally.
“Miss Y/N? Still there?” The receptionist asked, sounding far away from you.
“Yes! Yes I’m here,” you said, coughing.
“Wonderful, they said if you were willing they’d like to treat you to a meal, of course I can’t give out your contact information without consent from you but if you’re willing to meet with them we can arrange this.”
You heard yourself agree before even thinking about it.
Soon, you were on your way to the higher end of town. Heading towards a good Korean Barbeque place that was notorious for having the best meat in town.
Walking in you looked around, noticing how luxurious the place was. It made you feel a little out of place to be honest. But, not letting that get to you the host came up and asked for your name.
“Miss Y/N, ah yes. You’re with the Jeon party, lovely. Come right this way,” he said, taking you back into the bowels of the beast it seemed.
Winding through tables and chairs you found yourself in front of a private room. You didn’t want to think about how much this cost, so you simply just let your mind wander to other fun topics.
Such as the fact that you were potentially meeting your surrogate partners.
“Mr. Jeon? Mr. Park? A Miss Y/N is here for you,” the host said, through the door.
“Let her in,” a higher pitched male voice said.
You bit your lip and waited as the door opened. You looked inside and saw a beautiful wooden table, laid out with the finest meats and other various types of noodles and food. Then, there was the other feast, one for your eyes.
Park Jimin was a smaller man, but so incredibly handsome it made your head swirl. His soft blond hair tucked under a beanie as he looked up at you with what could only be called wonder. He looked at you gently, a small smile making its way to his lips.
Jeon Jungkook was a different story. Lean but cut, tiny waist accentuated by his pants. His arms were strong looking and one was covered in tattoos. His hair was pulled away from his face in a precious man bun that made your heart stutter. His eyes were big and glassy, looking at you. As if breathing you in.
“Hi,” you said quietly. “I’m Y/N.”
“We know,” Jimin said with a gentle smile.
“Come, sit down,” Jungkook said, moving a chair out for you to sit.
“Okay,” you agreed, moving to sit down.
“Get whatever you want,” Jimin encouraged, handing you the menu politely.
“Thank you,” you blushed, trying to not faint with his eyes on you like that.
Ordering a few things for yourself the three of you sat there with awkward silence filling the space. Jungkook wouldn’t really look at you and Jimin seemed like he was too nervous to start.
“So,” you said, clearing your throat. “How long have you two been together?” You asked, trying to sound cheerful.
“Five years,” Jungkook said, placing his hand over his glass.
“Oh wow, congratulations,” you said, rubbing your hands on your thighs.
“Thank you,” Jimin breathed.
“Our friend Namjoon said you were kind of in a tight spot and needed some help financially, is this true?” Jungkook asked, finally glancing your way.
“Y-Yeah, I wish he wouldn’t just tell other people that but, no sense in denying the truth. I’m almost six grand behind on rent,” you sighed, rubbing your face.
Both of their faces fell, looking at each other in worry.
“It-It’s okay though! I’ll be okay, I always am,” you said, trying to keep your tone light.
“It’s okay to be scared, Y/N, I would be scared shitless if I were you,” Jungkook said, taking slow drinks from his glass.
“Yeah,” you sighed, trying to avoid the stinging in your eyes.
“What do you do for work?” Jimin asked, trying to keep the conversation from turning to dark.
“I’m a receptionist at the local hotel. It’s not much, but I really like it,” you said, a grin taking place on your face.
“Hey, if you like it then that means something,” Jimin encouraged.
“So, you two want to have a baby?” You said, trying to get down to the topic at hand.
“Yes, more than anything,” Jimin said, a wistful look crossing his face.
“That’s amazing, to love each other that much and want to build a family is... Super important,” you said, meaning every word.
“What does your family do, Y/N? Do they live here in the city?”
You awkwardly rubbed your hands together.
“Um, my Great Aunt lives out in the country. But, my parents and most of my other relatives have passed on,” you said, trying to hide the emotion that came up.
“Oh, so sorry for your loss,” Jungkook said, face pinching.
“It’s okay, it was a long time ago,” you whispered.
“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” Jimin argued.
“You’re right, but, it’s okay,” you said.
“So, you have a high chance for twins,” Jungkook said, looking at some papers you didn’t notice were on the table.
“Yes, my mother was a twin. It runs way back in my family,” you said.
“Jimin has a good chance of having twins as well,” Jungkook said, gesturing to his loving partner.
“I do I do,” he said with a grin.
“Do you two want a set of twins?” You asked.
“It’s preferred but not necessary. As long as we get a baby, that’s all that matters,” Jungkook said.
Soon, the food was delivered and Jungkook and Jimin insisted on cooking the food for you. Something about not stressing you out too much.
After a full meal, you leaned back and let your head fall comfortably. Jimin and Jungkook exchanged a glance at each other.
‘She’s the one,’ Jimin mouthed.
Jungkook smiled and nodded back.
“Thank you for the meal, I really do appreciate it. I haven’t eaten like that in months,” you said.
“Well, if you want to have our baby, we would gladly provide you with all the food you could want,” Jimin said.
“T-That’s alright, it wouldn’t be necessary-”
“Yes it would, Y/N. If you carry our child that means we’re responsible for you, everything you need or want will be yours. We swear,” Jungkook said.
“Right,” you swallowed thickly.
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” Jimin asked.
“I-I’ve never really been one for dependence on other people. You know? I like to do things myself if I can,” you said.
“Well, we wouldn’t force you to do anything of course but, if you did want or need anything, we would be more than happy to provide you with it,” Jungkook said.
“Thank you, that’s very sweet,” you said.
“You’d be carrying our child,” Jimin said as if it were obvious.
“Of course,” you said softly.
“Hey, if you don’t want to do this then don’t feel pressured. Don’t let money be an object in what you want to do with your life. It’s not healthy,” Jimin said.
“Thank you,” you said again.
“Well, I think it’s time to get going. I know you’ve met with other couples that have no doubt tried to convince you they’re the best option but... I really hope you chose us Y/N. You’d be the perfect surrogate for us,” Jungkook said, looking at you with a softened gaze.
And you knew it too.
You knew they were the couple you wanted to surrogate for, even if it cost you everything. You knew they deserved it. Not that any of the other families you had spoken to didn’t, but, they were the ones for you.
Your fertile window and ovulation were coming up so you had to make a choice and soon.
You’d met with the doctors at the clinic and they said that they were just waiting on you. Whomever you picked would have a meeting with you before the insemination on the rules and what you would have to do in regards to taking care of yourself. And then the money would be yours in full.
Calling the clinic you told them your answer.
“I would like to surrogate for Mr. Jeon and Mr. Park,” you said.
“Alrighty, I will give them a call and set up the appointment for them to get their end of the deal all set up and then we can get you all ready to go!” The receptionist said.
“Okay, thank you so much,” you said before hanging up.
Namjoon and Jin invited you over wanting to hear the news of everything going on with you.
And you couldn’t wait to see Annie again.
“Aw, you’re getting so big!” You said as you were greeted by Annie’s face in Jin’s arms.
“Yes she is!” Jin agreed. The cooing baby leaned forward, moving to capture your hair in her little fist.
You laughed and took her from Jin easily, he didn’t fight you and let you have your time with her. Rocking and bouncing her on your hip while the pair of them talked in the dining room.
Soon, a knocking came to the door.
Confusion swept over you, but regardless, you went to answer the door anyways.
Annie still on your hip, you opened the door to reveal Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook, your new surrogate partners.
Frozen in shock the two of them looked at you as if they were equally confused.
You wondered if the clinic had told them you picked them yet. You had just gotten off the phone with them today, so you weren’t. Jungkook’s face went to you to Annie and then back to you.
“H-Hi?” You whispered.
“Y/N? What are you doing here?” Jimin asked, cocking his head to the side.
“Came to have dinner with Jinnie and Joon, and Annie of course,” you smiled, raising the little one up on your hip more.
“Oh, did you know we were coming?” Jungkook asked.
“No, I had no idea,” you said.
“Ah! Are those the boys?” Jin’s voice echoed throughout the hall.
“Yes!” You yelled back.
“Let them in Y/N! We invited them over too!” Namjoon said.
“Please come in,” you said, moving out of their way as the couple greeted Jin and Namjoon fondly.
It appeared as though there were no hard feelings in regards to them getting a surrogate they wanted. But, you could see Jungkook’s longing on his face when he looked at Annie in your arms.
“She’s beautiful,” Jimin said, looking down at Annie as you rocked her to sleep.
“Mhmm, gorgeous. She’ll be stealing hearts just like her dads,” you said.
“Hey, Y/N,” Jimin said, keeping his eyes trained on the little one in your arms.
“Did you make your decision yet? It said on your profile that your ovulation window was coming up and I was just curious,” he said quietly.
“I did,” you said.
Jimin’s face fell.
“I see,” he swallowed.
“Jimin-”
“Alright you two, paws off the baby, my turn!” Namjoon said, walking in.
You handed the sleeping baby over without a fuss before you and Jimin both walked out into the living room. Jimin whispered something to Jungkook and his face dropped. But you couldn’t find the words in your mouth. You wanted to tell them you picked them. You moved to talk to them when you felt Jin’s presence behind you.
“Y/N? You alright?” Jin asked, placing his hand on your shoulder.
“Yeah.”
It was getting later, and you were feeling sleepy from all the food you’d eaten during the night.
Jimin and Jungkook looked at your sleepy form and their hearts broke all over again.
“I can’t believe she didn’t pick us,” Jungkook said, face betraying how he felt.
“Babe, you can’t force her. I-I thought we had a good chance but,” Jimin sighed.
“I don’t want to keep looking for a surrogate if this is going to happen every time,” Jungkook said, pain coming through in his voice.
“Jungkook you know how badly I want this too right? It’s not just you hurting here,” Jimin said.
“We’ve been trying for two years to find a surrogate and when we find one we want, they always pick someone else. Why? Are we that undesirable? I don’t understand,” Jungkook sighed.
“It’s not that,” Jimin whispered. “Maybe it’s just not our turn yet.”
“When is it gonna be our turn, huh?” Jungkook said. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
“We can’t give up,” Jimin said softly. “I don’t want to give up yet.”
“I know baby,” Jungkook said, kissing Jimin’s cheek softly.
You felt your heart pounding in your chest. These poor men were really hurting for a baby. A family to call their own.
Sitting up Jimin and Jungkook looked at you in fear.
“Y/N? Y-You were awake-oh God I’m so sorry you had to hear that-” Jimin said frantically.
“I picked you two,” you said.
Their eyes shot up to meet yours.
Jungkook’s were glossy from unshed tears and Jimin’s were widening by the second.
“You what?”
“I said I picked you two. I want to surrogate for you two,” you explained.
“But-in the nursery you said-” Jimin started.
“I said I had picked someone, I didn’t say who silly,” you smiled.
“Oh thank you Y/N!” Jungkook said, coming over to hold your hand in his.
“You don’t know what this means to us,” Jimin said.
“I know you two want this baby more than anything, I want to give it to you. Honestly, you two have waited long enough,” you said, heart stammering at the look of hope in their eyes.
“You’re perfect Y/N! Seriously!” Jimin cried, holding onto Jungkook for dear life.
“Thank you, you’re very sweet. I’m supposed to go in for the, you know, business end of it on Monday. They said they’d call you tomorrow. I just gave my answer today,” you told them.
“Okay, alright sounds good,” Jungkook said, wiping his eyes furiously.
“You gonna be okay?” You asked, looking at the two of them.
“Of course, more than okay.”
Monday creeped up on you quickly, faster than you thought.
You went to the clinic and sat down, getting signed in and everything before you saw Jungkook and Jimin waltz in looking like a million bucks.
Dressed head to toe in designer clothing, you realized you didn’t know what they did for a living. You hadn’t really looked at their profiles all that much. But you knew their baby would have everything they could ever want and more.
Smiling at them and waving, the two of them made their way over to you.
“Hey! What’s going on?” Jimin asked, sitting down in the chair next to you.
“Just waiting,” you said, looking at the pair of them together.
They looked like the traditional power couple. Strong, dependable and handsome to boot. It was kind of overwhelming.
Jungkook was wringing his hands together, biting his lip as he looked around the room.
“You alright Jungkook?”
“Yeah just-”
“Mr. Jeon, Mr. Park and Miss Y/N? The legal assistant will see you now,” a voice from the corner called.
“Let’s go,” you said, standing up and heading towards the back room.
You sat down and the rules of the road were laid out.
If you signed the contract Jimin and Jungkook were the parents of the child. You had no rights unless they said otherwise. You would be given a lump sum of money, transferred into your bank account the day they know you’re pregnant and expecting. If anything happens to the baby such as a miscarriage or something of the like that you had no control over, you would be able to keep the money. But, they would like to try again to see if the next one stuck better.
“So, if you conceive twins, which your likelihood is good, Mr. Jeon and Mr. Park have agreed to pay you double,” you almost choked on your drink.
Double?
“What?” You squeaked out.
“It’s written right here,” the legal assistant said, pointing to the document in her hands.
“Okay,” you said softly, not wanting to make either of them uncomfortable.
“The total of your payment will come to $153,000 dollars,” the legal assistant said. “If you conceive twins.”
Your head swirled.
What would you do with all that money? Jimin and Jungkook looked at you with worry.
“I-Is it not enough? We can give you more if you want-”
“No! No no, that is totally acceptable. More than,” you said.
“Okay, just making sure,” Jimin answered.
“If you would please initial here, Miss Y/N. And then a signature here at the bottom and then you two will also need to sign as well,” she said.
After all the paperwork was done your date for insemination was set.
Jimin and Jungkook looked at you as you walked out of the clinic.
“Hey! Y/N! Hold on,” Jungkook said, walking forward.
“Huh? What is it?” You asked turning around.
Jungkook’s bright eyes blinded you as he gazed into your own. But you kept your breathing steady as you could.
“Do you want a ride home? Jimin and I cleared our schedules so we could be here today, and... Well we don’t want you to get hurt or anything,” he said, pointing to the black suburban.
“Oh, it’s alright I was gonna go to the bookstore and get a few things and then head home but I’ll be fine, no worries,” you smiled.
“We insist, Y/N,” Jimin said, walking forward to take his partner’s hand.
“Um, well... It’s really not that far, I’m sure it’ll be okay,” you said.
“Well, if you’re really sure,” Jungkook said.
“Yeah, but I’ll see you two on Thursday right? That’s when I’m supposed to... Well, you know,” your said, looking down at your feet.
“Of course! If you want us to be there that is,” Jimin said.
“Yes, it’s your baby,” you said.
“Okay, we’ll see you Thursday then,” Jungkook agreed, waving at you before he and Jimin got into the suburban and left.
But you couldn’t help the feeling you had as you watched them drive away.
Sadness.
You walked into the clinic Thursday morning, sweat pooling in your palms. You were reaching the end of your wire at your apartment. And you weren’t going to get the money in time. You were worried and didn’t want to bother Namjoon and Jin... So you just kept it to yourself.
You felt the fear and worry eating you up inside as you sat in the waiting room.
The doctor called your name and you headed back towards the room, when someone shouted your name.
Jimin and Jungkook were there, smiling brightly at you.
Your heart eased at seeing the two men, so happy and radiant. Everything you weren’t currently. But, knowing you were giving them something so important really made you feel better. Even if it was just for the time being.
“Oh my gosh, we’re finally getting a baby!” Jimin squeaked.
“Easy, it’s probably not going to happen first try,” you reminded him of what the doctor said.
“Bet I could get you pregnant in one shot,” Jungkook smirked.
“Oh shush Kook. But if you got her pregnant you wouldn’t get those twins you want so badly now would you, butthead,” Jimin said, shoving the younger man around slightly.
You tried to keep yourself from blushing but the redness that twinged your cheeks was there regardless. You were here to get pregnant, that was the end goal of today.
“Alright, Miss Y/N, we’re going to take you back and get you all set and then Mr. Park and Mr. Jeon have said they wanted to take you home after. Is that alright with you?” The doctor asked.
“Yes, that’s fine,” you said.
“Okay, let’s head back then,” Jungkook gave you a gentle smile before Jimin came forward and gave your knuckles a quick kiss.
“Good luck, Y/N,” he said.
“Thanks,” you answered before heading back.
The whole process took around a hour and a half, most of it waiting.
The sensation wasn’t too bad, but you were a little uncomfortable. Everything was super sterile and not how you expected you’d get pregnant, but... It wasn’t your baby at the end of the day. You tried not to wiggle as you laid there, letting Jimin’s seed try to impregnate you.
Finally, the timer went off and you were allowed to leave to go home.
Jimin and Jungkook were sat in the waiting room, chatting with each other excitedly. You knew that this was it, that they were more than perfect for this baby. You were beyond happy you could give it to them.
“Y/N!” Jimin said, walking up to greet you.
“Hey,” you said easily, noticing Jungkook come up behind him.
“We’re here to take you home!” Jimin smiled.
“Thanks guys,” you said softly.
“We brought the car around already so you don’t have to walk too much. Don’t wanna spoil all our hard work,” Jimin said, looking at your tummy with affection.
“Like I said Jimin, it probably won’t happen this time. But you never know, you might have some strong swimmers,” you joked.
“You have no idea, Y/N,” he said, gazing into your eyes for a moment.
Your breath caught in your throat. He looked like an angel wrapped in sin, as if he were so good yet so bad for you. It made your head spin.
Jungkook held the car door open for you and you got in carefully. Jimin sat in the back with you while Jungkook sat up front.
Of course these two had a driver...
Jimin was looking out the window and noticed that they were getting into the sketchier part of town. His worry was eating him alive. He didn’t want the mother of his child staying here! That simply wouldn’t do.
You got out of the car, heading towards your apartment when the landlord approached you. Jungkook and Jimin were still getting out of the car when he exploded at you.
“There’s the little bitch now!” He growled, grabbing your wrist and twisting it painfully.
You yelped, trying not to move so much. It only made it hurt more.
“Let me go!” You said.
“You filthy cunt, you owe me almost six thousand dollars! And you dare to come back here without anything? Huh? Nothing? Where have you been huh? Selling your body to make some cash I bet, that’s what little whore’s like you do right? Fucking pathetic,” he spits at you.
“I-I just need a little more time-” a resounding smack is heard through the parking lot.
Jimin and Jungkook look up to see your head turned sharply to the side and a man gripping your wrist.
Both of the men flew off the handle.
“Let go of her you fucker!” Jungkook yelled, walking forward with purpose.
“Don’t you dare touch her!” Jimin growled, pulling you away from the man.
“Did you fucking hit her?” Jungkook said, looking at your reddened cheek.
“Bitch owes me money, she knows that-”
“Fucker!” Jungkook snarled, grabbing the man by his shirt and lifting him.
“Y/N? Sweetie can you hear me?” Jimin whispered. Your head was swimming with pain and discomfort. Your cheek was screaming at you. But what hurt worse was the embarrassment. They saw it all, that you couldn’t take care of yourself. How on earth were you going to take care of a baby if you got pregnant for nine months? Huh?
“I’m sorry,” you whispered.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, he hurt you. Jungkook put him down and call the cops,” Jimin said.
“I owe him money, I just-”
“You can’t arrest me! You fuckheads, do you know who I am?” He asked.
“Do you know who we are? Hi I’m Jeon Jungkook, heir to the Jeon Law Firm here in the city. You might have heard of us, and she is the mother of my future child and you won’t be putting your hands on her ever again,” Jungkook said.
“I just wanna leave, I don’t... I don’t wanna be here,” you whimpered.
“But Y/N,” Jimin said.
“Can we leave? Please?” You begged, looking up at him with a swollen cheek and glossy eyes. Jimin’s heart broke five times over, seeing you so upset.
“Jungkook, come on. Let’s go,” Jimin said.
“And leave her with this fucking piece of shit? I think not, no we’re going to-Y/N? Are you alright?” Jungkook asked, coming forward and looking at your face with a tenderness you didn’t know was there.
“We’ll take her home with us,” Jimin said easily.
“Okay, yeah. But we’re calling the cops on that dickbag when we get back. I want him arrested for hurting her,” Jungkook said with finality.
“Of course baby,” Jimin said, soothing the younger male.
“Can we just go?” You asked, looking up at them for a moment.
“Yes, of course we can, let’s get you in the car and go back to our place,” Jungkook said, coming forward and getting into the back seat this time. Jimin encouraged you to get inside, so you did, him following shortly thereafter.
“Take us home please,” Jungkook said, shutting the little window between the front of the car and the back.
You sat between the two men, each of them looking out the window and appearing to be deep in thought. You were as well. You hoped this didn’t affect your chances of getting pregnant. You don’t know what you’d do if you couldn’t get this baby. The prospect of so much money on the line, you very future.
Also, you worried for Jungkook and Jimin. You really wanted this to work for their sake too.
They’d been waiting so long.
You were swallowed into the dreamscape of your thoughts. Nothing really getting in or out of your mind. You were just reeling at everything that had happened in less than four hours. You had your first attempt at insemination, went home and got assaulted and now you were heading to the upper end of the city with the two men who wanted you to have a baby for them.
This was all so much to handle.
Finally, the car stopped moving and Jimin quickly ushered you out of the vehicle. You stood there and looked up at the stunning building with a weird sense of fear. It loomed over you, almost intimidatingly so.
Jimin told the driver to go park the car and take the rest of the day off while Jungkook gathered their things from the back. You looked around and noticed that people were staring at you.
No doubt you looked like a sore pink thumb right now. Tear stained and swollen cheeks making you look even more outlandish in the area. But, Jungkook quickly moved everyone inside.
The door man asked who you were and Jimin and Jungkook simply told the truth.
“She’s our surrogate, we’re having her stay with us for a while. If she needs anything, make sure she gets it!” Jimin said.
“Absolutely Mr. Park,” the doorman said.
“Come on Y/N,” Jungkook said, heading towards the elevator.
You followed behind them quickly, getting in the mirrored elevator. Looking at yourself you felt all the anxiety and fear come back. You didn’t belong here, you were wearing a pair of fucked up jeans, a flannel and t-shirt. They were dressed in beautiful clothing, dipped in the finest silks and satins.
You looked like a charity case no doubt.
It made your stomach churn in discomfort. But you kept your mouth shut. You were providing them with a service. And in turn they were paying you. It was a give and take situation. But you couldn’t help but feel as though you were taking more than you were giving.
Jungkook held the door while you and Jimin entered the house. You looked around and the apartment was massive. Bigger than your Aunt’s tiny house in the country. You wondered just how much money these two had.
Soon, Jimin was sitting you down on the couch and tending to your cheek. His heart crumpled when you flinched at his touch. He tried not to take it personally, you were literally just assaulted. But he hoped you weren’t scared of him, or Jungkook.
“Should I call the doctor?” Jungkook asked, coming in and sitting next to Jimin.
“No, she’s just a little swollen, she’ll be alright,” Jimin said, handing you the painkillers and some ice.
“Can she have that?” Jungkook asked, referring to the pain medicine.
“It’s acetaminophen she can have it,” Jimin confirmed.
“Okay,” he said, standing up and heading towards the kitchen.
“Are you hungry?” Jimin asked, looking at you for any signs of discomfort.
“Not particularly, but I should eat. Especially today,” you said, a weak smile on your face. Jimin nodded, but headed towards the kitchen regardless.
Soon after, a wonderful aroma filled the apartment. But you hadn’t moved from the couch, keeping your eyes trained on the TV Jimin turned on for you. You didn’t particularly want to watch the news, but you weren’t sure on how to work this TV. It made your brain hurt. But, whatever, you kept your eyes on the screen, not looking anywhere in particular.
Jimin soon came out, wearing a smile that must be a signature for him or something. He told you dinner was ready and to follow him. Turning off the TV with a swipe of his finger on the screen you marveled at the technology.
He patted your cheek and brought you into the dining room.
Jungkook was finishing putting the food out when you sat down. He and Jimin were deep in conversation. You picked at your food, eating a few pieces if Jimin put them on your plate. But other than that, you sat unmoving in the corner.
You supposed you were still in shock of what had happened today.
Soon, you felt the distinct cramping in your lower stomach, something you were told is to be expected. Especially if the pregnancy took. Letting out a puff of air, you held your stomach. It wasn’t terrible, but the discomfort had you adjusting in your seat.
Jungkook’s head snapped in your direction, carefully observing you.
“Everything alright? Y/N?” He asked, cocking his head to the side in a cute way.
Forcing a smile you nodded.
“Yeah, just cramping a little bit,” you said, keeping your hands together underneath the table.
“Is it bad?” Jungkook asked, leaning towards you.
“No-ah!” You said, clutching your stomach. It didn’t hurt as much as it caught you off guard. But the two men were beside you in seconds.
“Y/N? Do you want us to call the doctor?”
“Is there something we can get for you? Do you want more pain medicine?”
“N-No, honestly, I’m okay,” you said, giving them each a squeeze to their wrist.
Jimin nodded, standing up and moved to start cleaning up the meal. Jungkook placed a couple more pieces of meat on your plate, asking you to eat them. He thought it could help your cramping, but he mainly just wanted to see you eat something.
Soon, the pair of them had cleaned up the meal and had gathered some clothes for you to wear to bed.
“We’ll pick up some stuff for you to wear tomorrow,” Jungkook said smiling.
“N-No that’s alright I can go back and get my stuff,” you said.
“You’re not going anywhere near that building,” Jimin warned, voice low.
“What? I have to get my stuff-”
“We’ll have someone go collect your things and bring them back here,” Jimin said, careful.
“I can go it’s not a big deal-”
“Y/N, please, just let us take care of this,” Jungkook said, quietly coming over to your side.
You were far too tired to argue. But you already felt like a cat in a cage. So you waved off the disagreement and decided to just head to bed.
The cramping was still there, but not nearly as bad as it had been when you were at the table. Laying down helped, but you felt something in your underwear.
Quickly, you went to the bathroom and noticed some blood in your underwear. Biting your lip, you tried to keep yourself from panicking. Putting them back on you went to living room and found Jimin sitting on the couch, looking tired.
“J-Jimin,” you said quietly.
His head snapped up and he gave you a little smile.
“Yes, Y/N?” He asked, coming towards you. You sighed and ran your hands through your hair.
“I-I was bleeding,” you said, voice straining slightly.
“You were? Where?” He asked, brows furrowing.
“M-My, uh, I found it in my underwear,” you said, breathing in deeply.
“Was it a lot?” He asked, keeping a cool exterior.
“N-No, not a lot but it worried me,” you said, trying to keep yourself from freaking out on him.
“It’s normal to spot a little after the IUI, don’t worry. But tell me if anymore happens. They did just shove a tube up your business,” he said, laughing lightly.
Immediately you were put at ease. Sensing your relief, Jimin patted your shoulder.
“It’s okay to be nervous, we are,” Jimin said, nodding towards the closed door you assumed was to their bedroom.
“Yeah, I’m-I just really want this to work,” you confessed, feeling yourself relax a bit.
“We do too, more than anything,” Jimin answered, giving you a genuine grin.
“I’m glad that the baby will have you two as parents, makes me feel good knowing that they’ll be taken care of,” you smiled back.
Jimin’s face seemed to morph into a look of joy and agony at the same time.
“You’re too sweet, Y/N, honestly. Jungkook and I are beyond excited,” he explained.
“Have you always wanted to be a father?” You asked him, out of the blue. Jimin blushed and looked down at his feet.
“Y-Yeah, ever since I was little I always wanted a family to call my own. And when I met Jungkook I knew it was just meant to be you know? Like, everything just made sense,” he said, a sheepish look taking over his features.
“That’s so sweet,” you gushed.
“It’s the truth,” he shrugged.
“I want someone to look at me the way you look at Jungkook, like I’m their whole world and more. I’ve never been one for dating though,” you said, looking down at the floor, embarrassed.
“No? How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you had?” Jimin asked, not thinking. When the shocked look took over your face he back peddled. “I-I shouldn’t have asked, that doesn’t deem your worth or anything like that-”
“None,” you said, blushing bright red.
Jimin’s face changed.
“Tell me if I’m out of line here, but have you ever, uh... You know, um,” he said, rubbing his hands together.
“Oh? Sex? Yeah, I’ve done it before, but it wasn’t really anything special. I don’t even think I-um... Nevermind,” you said, biting your lip hard.
“You don’t think you what? You didn’t cum?” Jimin said, as if he were shocked.
“No! Now keep your voice down!” You yelped.
Jimin frowned.
“That’s horrible, you deserve better,” Jimin said matter of factly.
“It happens, but, this conversation has gotten away from us,” you said, trying to steer it away from your pathetic sex life and more towards the fact that you both need to go to bed. “I’m tired, had a long day.” You said, rubbing your arms.
“Of course, absolutely! If you need anything or something happens, our room is right here just come get us,” Jimin said.
“Okay, thanks,” you said, turning, but not before you wished him a good night.
Jimin gave you a small smile. “Good night, Y/N, sleep well.”
Soon your stuff was all moved into the boys apartment. You questioned when you would be leaving, but the boys said that you didn’t have to worry about departing for the foreseeable future.
They had originally wanted you to live with them if and when they found out you were pregnant, that way they could be there through it all. But, these stages after the insemination could be hard on you and they decided to keep you with them.
You felt like a little kid half the time, but you had to call in to work often because of these appointments. And quickly, they tired of it.
“Y/N, we love you and we want you to pick here to work, but honestly your attendance is a severe issue right now,” your supervisor said over the phone. You called in that day because you just were feeling super exhausted.
You hadn’t told them you’d signed up for a surrogacy. You weren’t sure how that would go over, but, maybe you had to if you wanted to save your job.
“I-I’m calling in all the time because I’m trying to get pregnant,” you said softly.
Laughter came from the other side of the phone.
You were being laughed at.
“Oh my God, Y/N, that’s hilarious! But seriously, I have to put you on a two week suspension without pay because-”
“Dawn, I'm serious. I signed up with the fertility clinic and I’m currently trying to become a surrogate for a lovely couple,” you said, honestly.
“Y/N, why did you sign up for that? As far as any of us knew, you weren’t that into kids,” Dawn said over the phone.
“I-I like kids, but the baby won’t be mine to keep. The couple gets to keep them once they are born. I lose all rights as a parent,” you explained.
“That’s kinda cruel... Let you carry the baby for nine months then force you to leave them. I don’t know if I could do that,” she said.
“I-It’s the way it is,” you said. “But I need to have the day off, I have an appointment at the clinic.”
“Y/N, would it be easier if we just let you quit?” Dawn said.
“What?!” You shrieked into the phone.
“Well, it’s a delicate time and we'd have you working on your feet for long hours. I don’t want anything to happen to you or your baby,” she said, sounding sad.
“But I don’t wanna leave you guys,” you whimpered.
“Well, once the little tike is born come back. We’ll hire you back, I promise. If you want to come back,” she offered.
“Y-You’ll really let me come back?” You said, biting your lip.
It would be nice to just focus on the pregnancy and helping Jungkook and Jimin. If you had the option, maybe it would be better to take her advice and go back when you were ready. Hopefully they don’t screw you over.
“Of course we will! We love you! But, right now isn’t the best time for you to be working. Focus on you and your little bundle okay? We’ll be waiting,” she said.
“Oh thank you Dawn! I love you guys too!”
After a little tears ‘see you later’, you hung up.
Soon, a soft knock came to your door. Looking up you saw Jungkook there, dressed to the nines looking at you. Raising a brow you assessed the situation.
“What’s up?” You said, setting your phone down to give him your undivided attention.
“I was wondering if you needed a ride to work, you’re already an hour late,” he said, pointing to the clock on your wall.
“Oh, about that,” you said, rubbing your hands together.
“Did something happen? Did they fire you for being our surrogate? Oh just let me make one phone call, that’s illegal! I’m a lawyer, let me talk some sense into them!” Jungkook said, turning to walk out.
“No, Jungkook! It’s fine, they told me to take the time off. To spend time focusing on myself and to take care of the baby,” you explained. “My job will be there when I’m ready to return.”
Jungkook stopped and looked at you. His features softened before nodding.
“Okay, but if they try to tell you you can’t go back when you’re ready, you just tell me. I won’t let anyone disrespect or lie to you,” he said, a stern look on his face.
“Thanks Jungkook, that means a lot,” you said, giving a smile.
“There’s food in the fridge, all you have to do is heat it up. You have the house to yourself so, do whatever you want,” Jungkook said, waving before walking out of your room.
You sat there for a minute, really mulling over what you wanted to do. Honestly, you were so sore and tired you just wanted to fall back asleep. But you decided that it was better to get up and do some activity. Hopefully that would be okay.
It had been about ten days since your IUI appointment and you were mainly just tired. Although fatigue was a symptom of an attachment. But that was the only symptom you were having, you were meant to test in a couple days to see if you were pregnant, but something had you worried.
If you weren’t pregnant, you’d have to wait a whole other month. They did tell you that sometimes it took multiple tries to successfully impregnate someone. But you really wanted this to work, you just wanted to get this going.
That way Jimin and Jungkook could have their baby already.
You knew they’d be amazing fathers, already with their dutiful actions towards you. So willing to do whatever you asked, but you tried your best not to pester them too much. You tried to make it as though you weren’t even there. But they insisted you join them for dinner so they could make sure you were eating well.
For your day you mainly just puttered around the house, picking up and doing little things that wouldn’t aggravate you. So, you settled down with a book in your hands and soft music playing in the background.
That’s how Jimin and Jungkook found you when they came home. Curled up on the couch with a novel between your fingers. Jimin smiled softly, looking at the picturesque scene.
“Do you think she’s pregnant?” Jungkook asked, looking at his boyfriend with apprehension.
“I hope so,” Jimin answered.
“She’s really tired lately, sleeping late and going to bed early. That’s a sign, right?” Jungkook said.
“It is, but that’s also a sign of a woman’s period coming up,” Jimin warned.
“Damn...” Jungkook said, rubbing his face.
“But I don’t know, she’s due to test soon so, we might have our baby,” Jimin soothed.
You looked up from your book, noticing the pair in the entryway. Giving them a shy smile, you waved, nose getting buried back in the book. Jimin laughed lightly, heading towards the kitchen.
The two cooked dinner, making something easy to digest. Your stomach was on the fritz yesterday so they want to make sure they don’t upset your sensitive tummy. But, as Jimin looked out at you reading on the couch, a blanket draped along your lap. He couldn’t help but love the domesticity of it all. You looked at peace, in your element and comfortable.
Jimin hoped it would stay that way. With you, comfy and cared for.
Jungkook rushed past with the boiling soup in his hands, moving quick like a little kid to set the table for you all. Jimin just laughed, smacking his butt when he came back.
“Hey! Paws off,” Jungkook pouted.
“Hmm? That’s not what you were saying the other night,” Jimin laughed at the scandalized look on Jungkook’s face. “I’m kidding, come on go get Y/N so we can eat.”
Jungkook went to gather you from the living room and was met with an unusual sight. You passed out, wrapped in the blanket with your book on the floor.
He smiled, moving towards you slowly. He placed a soft hand on your head, patting your hair gently. Your eyes opened slowly, looking up at him with sleepy eyes. Jungkook helped you up, leading you to the dining room.
The meal was quiet, Jungkook and Jimin making small talk with you, but mostly you were just eating peacefully.
You ate well and leaned back, as you tended to do when you were full and let out a huff. Jimin repressed the smile on his face with the back of his hand. Jungkook smiled openly, looking at your sleepy form.
Sitting back up you took a few more swallows of water before you stood up and thanked them for the meal and headed towards your room.
Jungkook and Jimin watched you go, each having a weird tightening in their chest at the sight of your swaying hips.
You had finally reached the two week mark.
Time to test.
Jimin and Jungkook went with you, driving you to the clinic for your appointment at the ass crack of dawn it felt like.
Jimin was chatting excitedly in the front seat with Jungkook. You could see the looks of love on their faces as they talked about their future with their child. It made butterflies rise in your stomach.
Quickly smacking your cheeks, you tried to forget the sensation of hope building in your belly.
Soon you were all at the clinic, Jimin helping you out of the car. The two men walked on either side of you, making sure everyone knew who you were here with. It made you feel protected, watched over.
Important.
After all the paperwork was done for the visit, Jungkook and Jimin sat down next to you. They interlocked their hands, smiling brightly at each other. You locked your hands together and looked down at them.
“Miss Y/N? Mr. Park and Mr. Jeon? Are you all ready?” A nurse called and you all headed back to a secluded room, a few chairs and the like ready. You saw the needles and everything set up and you swallowed hard.
You hated needles, with a passion.
But you’d done it before, so you’d do it again.
“Y/N? You okay?” Jungkook asked, looking at your paling face.
“Y-yeah, nervous around needles,” you confessed.
“Oh, do you want some water or something?”
“No I’m okay,” you encouraged.
“If you’re sure,” Jungkook said, looking like he wanted to do more...
“Alright! We’re gonna take some blood and a urine sample, so if you two would just wait outside for a moment while we get her changed, then you can come back in if you want,” the nurse explained.
You got changed and hopped up on the table.
They asked a bunch of questions, all fairly standard. Then they brought out the needles. Jimin saw you flinch when the packaging came off and you saw the syringe come closer.
“Hang on,” Jimin said, standing up.
The nurse stopped and looked up in confusion, that’s when Jimin took your hand in his and squeezed.
“You can hold my hand while they take your blood okay? Just squeeze if you need to,” he said, looking at your face for any signs of resistance.
You bit your lip and nodded.
The nurse took your blood quickly, getting a few vials full. Jungkook watched as his boyfriend held your hand the whole time, keeping you calm and at ease.
He hoped with everything he was that this had worked.
God, he wanted it to work so bad.
Soon, the two men were being ushered out of the room so you could do your urine sample.
After everything was done and over with, you got dressed and went to the waiting room. Jimin and Jungkook stood up when they saw you, waving you over to sit with them.
All three of you waited with baited breath as they ran the tests. They kept asking if you wanted anything, water, juice or something to eat. But you politely declined. Knowing if you put anything in your body right now you’d puke it up immediately with how nervous you were for the results.
They said it shouldn’t take too long.
It had been about an hour when a nurse popped her head out, signaling for all three of you to come back.
“Dr. Heinz will see you now,” she said, giving you all a small smile before leading you down the hallway towards the offices.
Shortly, you were sat on a comfortable sofa with Jungkook and Jimin in front of you. Jungkook and Jimin were holding onto each other so tight you feared for their circulation. But, Dr. Heinz was quick to get to the point.
“Well, I want to say, congratulations, Mr. Jeon and Mr. Park... Y/N is pregnant,” he said, talking like you weren’t in the room.
“Oh my God!” Jungkook shouted, standing up and hugging Jimin to him tightly. They kissed several times, tears falling freely down the new father’s faces. Dr. Heinz let them have their moment, smiling at the happy couple. You looked down at your stomach and bit your lip.
So this was really happening...
“Jungkook, I love you,” Jimin said, holding onto his boyfriend tightly.
“I love you too babe, I love you too,” Jungkook affirmed.
“Okay we do have to discuss her health however,” Dr. Heinz said, having the men sit down quickly.
“Is she alright?” Jimin said, looking at you with worry written all over his features.
“She’s at a very fragile point in the pregnancy. IUI can be tricky so we need to be very careful with what happens next. I don’t want her doing anything strenuous. Especially with the lower body until we can get her in for an ultrasound. Her uterus looked good on her preliminary but getting pregnant can really affect a woman’s body, so we need to take all the precautions,” Dr. Heinz explained.
“But is she going to be okay?” Jungkook asked, placing a gentle hand on yours.
You looked at his big hand covering yours, blinking slowly.
“I’m worried about her low white blood cell count. That makes her more susceptible to colds and infections, so you need to be very careful. Her red blood cell count was also low, showing early signs of anemia. So lots of red meat and protein to help keep her levels up. Although the anemia will be aggravated by the pregnancy, so make sure she doesn’t stand up too fast or tax herself too much,” he said.
“I am right here,” you said, glaring at the doctor.
“Sorry Miss Y/N, they’re the parents in this situation. I want them to be informed of your situation,” Dr. Heinz said bluntly.
“There are four of us in this room, I’ll remind you of that. Don’t talk like I’m not here please,” you said, folding your hands and crossing your legs.
Jimin almost burst out laughing.
Damn you were feisty!
He really liked that...
“I-I apologize, Miss Y/N,” he said, swallowing quickly before continuing on. “Also, you’re going to start having more symptoms than the fatigue you mentioned. Morning sickness is extremely common and expected, although every woman is different. Headaches, dizziness and blurred vision are also to be noted. Even some spotting can happen, but please do tell us if you’re spotting or bleeding. Now, do any of you have questions?” The doctor asked, looking at the boys and you.
“Is there any way to know if we are expecting, more than one?” Jimin asked, looking down at your stomach with pure adoration on his face.
“We won’t really know until she’s further along. Quite a bit further actually. But for now, enjoy this. Enjoy the early stages, it’ll be tough but you can pull through. I wish you all the best of luck,” Dr. Heinz said, handing some paperwork over to Jungkook before the three of you stood up and headed out.
Jimin and Jungkook were so excited, chatting with each other about if they were having twins. If the baby was a boy or girl. You were in the car, hands folded in your lap while you looked out the window.
Honestly, you were scared out of your mind.
The doctor had mentioned this was a really fragile part of the pregnancy. That you’d have to be careful, not to mention it was important for your own health as well. If something happened to the baby, something could happen to you and vice versa.
Jungkook insisted on taking everyone out for dinner.
This was a big occasion after all.
Sitting down in the very resturant you all had your first meal in, felt kinda surreal.
Now, you were pregnant with their baby. It felt kinda full circle.
Jimin and Jungkook insisted on getting whatever you wanted. But you weren’t terribly hungry yet, maybe it was the nerves of the whole day catching up. But you ordered a few things, making sure to eat. You knew it made them happy when you did, because it showed you cared about your body and the life growing inside of you.
Jungkook was drinking, a lot if you were being honest. Jimin just watched him as his cheeks flushed red as he continued to talk animatedly at the two of you. Smiling, you filled up Jungkook’s water before urging him to drink some.
“Thanks youuu,” he said, beaming at you.
“You’re welcome, but drink up okay?” You said, gesturing towards the glass.
He did as you asked, drinking all the water. You sighed in relief, knowing at least he’d be hydrated when he went to bed.
“Well, guess you aren’t driving you big lug,” Jimin laughed as he hauled Jungkook out of the restaurant a while later.
“Mmm, we’re having a baby baby!” Jungkook cooed at Jimin, holding his cheeks in between his hands.
“Mhmm, yes we are. Now get in the back with Y/N, okay?” Jimin said, opening the back and helping his very tipsy boyfriend inside. You were about to climb in when Jimin placed his hands on your hips, causing you to jolt so hard you smacked your head on the roof of the car.
“Ow, fuck,” you said, holding your head tightly.
“Y/N!” Jimin yelped. Jungkook’s head popped up.
“What happened?” He asked, looking at you with bleary eyes.
“I just smacked my head, I’m alright,” you said, rubbing your head gingerly.
“Can I take a look?” Jimin asked, biting his plump lips harshly.
“Y-yeah,” you said, leaning towards him.
Jimin’s gentle hands on your scalp proved to be dangerous. Because now, you wanted him to touch you here all the time. Combing his fingers through your hair. Massaging the tender flesh there.
“Well, you aren’t bleeding, but you’ll have a massive bump for a few days no doubt,” he reasoned.
“She’s gonna have a massive bump here soon too!” Jungkook cheered happily, pointing at your stomach.
“Jungkook, enough,” Jimin warned.
Grumbling to himself, Jungkook backed off.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jimin asked. You nodded, already feeling the throbbing in the base of your skull starting.
“I’ll take a few pain killers when we get back,” you said.
“Okay,” Jimin said, running his hand from your head down to cradle your cheek in his palm. You’re cheeks heated up at the feeling of his skin on yours, but shortly he was retreating to the front of the car.
Soon, you were underway.
Jimin turned on the radio quietly, driving carefully around town.
Jungkook had managed to fall asleep against the window. When suddenly, the car was jerking to the side. Jimin laid on the horn, yelling a couple explicit words out the window. But, Jungkook’s body had already fallen into your lap.
His head rested comfortably against your thighs, arms draping across your legs. Jungkook continued to sleep peacefully while you inspected him. He had a beautiful nose, button like and slotting perfectly along with his already perfect features. His plush lips pouting as he slept. Your eyes widened at him, heart hammering in your chest as you gazed down at him.
He was incredibly handsome.
But, you knew his personality too. He was kind, but strong and sure of himself. He had an air of confidence that was almost infectious. But he also had a childish nature about him. Not immature, but there was something about the wonder in his eyes when he tried something new. Or the nostalgia that ran through him when he ate his favorite food or, just the sparkle in his eyes when Jimin came home.
You, as if possessed, took your hand and ran your fingers through his soft black hair. He groaned in his sleep, gripping your legs tighter. You continued to run your fingers through his hair, watching his face for any signs of discomfort.
Jimin looked in the rearview mirror and saw you stroking Jungkook’s head with a gentle hand. His heart thudded dangerously in his chest. You were so caring and tender, everything you did had purpose behind it.
Jimin felt relief flood him at the idea of you being the mother of he and Jungkook’s child. Technically just Jimin’s but Jungkook was also the father but he didn’t get any genetics in this one.
This one...
Did Jimin want to have more children?
You just got the announcement today and he was already giddy at the prospect of you growing large with his child. But confusion swept through him. Was this just because he was grateful to you? Or was it something more?
Looking at you and Jungkook in the back, he thinks he might already know the answer.
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rukanrin · 3 years
Note
how about a fluffy headcanon about the dmc boys and girls with a deaf/mute s/o 😭💖
Im so sorry about the delay again;-;
I spent some time making mind maps for this because i did attempt to write it but my sister was like 'oh hell naw', none the less enjoy! -The lazy daisy,Ruka
---------------------------------------------
Dante
-Dante would never make fun of your disability,and if someone else makes fun of it? pray that they know what kind of coffin they want to be buried in
-Hes still a huge cuddle bean,he will either sign (sign language) or tap (morse code) to ask for permission,or if you're not deaf then this man will literally scream morse code patterns
-Will call you his 'silent/oblivious beauty'
- Probably begged Vergil and Trish to teach him how to use either techniques to communicate with you
-If Morrison or lady scold him,he will either start clicking his pen or signing under his table lots of rude or childish nicknames that you can see
-He usually comes home late,so he managed to catch Nico and ask her to make bracelets to let you know when the other is near or home,so that he doesn't accidentally scare you
Vergil
-Poet in blue will buy at least three books to learn techniques to speak with you
-he's very sweet and gentle with you,even going as far as occasionally embracing you and gently swaying side to side with you
-he will never make jokes or nicknames based off your disability,but he may make you smile like and idiot if he's just got back with an arguement from Nero or Dante, telling you stuff like 'that fool,right there,is why the Sparda bloodline looks redicilous'
-he will never rush or stop you from telling him something, always waiting patiently for you to finish,even he sometimes pauses for a second,trying to remember how to say something,which puts a cute grumpy expression on his face
-he wont really depend on technology to help you not get spooked,he will try his best to gently step into your line of sight before doing anything,but you should get used to him appearing out of the blue (I'm not apologising for that joke,nope)
-will leave you little snippets of poems about how lovely silence can be to reassure you he is ok with you being the way that you are
Nero
-one of the most playful boys with this issue
-dun dun dun!he gets a morse code arm from the artist
-he doesn't mind that he cant carry out a full conversation vocally with you,the more challenges with the relationship the more he loves you
-if you get into a compliment fight or you want to say something like 'i don't deserve this/you' he will gently and playfully hold your hand with a smile, probably followed by a little kiss on the nose or forehead
-If he comes home late and doesn't want to startle you,he will install one of those LED chandeliers,which he will keep the remote to,and turn on the light blue lights to show that hes home
V
-He finds it fascinating, in fact this engulfs him in the world of how to communicate with others,he will buy a shit ton of books to learn from
-he once beat the ever living shit out of griffon for making fun of you on a mission
-he will read poems describing silence and how enjoyable it is,or if you're deaf,like Vergil,will leave you notes with bits of the poems on them
-will make one of his two main familiars appear to show you that he's there,most likely shadow because griffon will take any chance to scare the living essence out of you
-he will never stop you from speaking,but once he did it on accident while cuddling,turning a light shade of red from embarrassment as he allowed you to 'speak' again
Trish
-oh boy,she would buy one of those devices that can function as a live subtitles generator,as well as listen to morse code and decode it,so if you ever see lady or Trish looking a little sassy,turn the device on for a packet of laughter
-she wont let you go on missions because if you get hurt she will blame herself for not staying close,since you cant really call for help,so she wont risk it
-she will most likely communicate using notes at the start,since it would take her a while to learn any other way to communicate,but don't worry,she's really trying to learn it off by heart
-if anyone looks at you and starts to speak with a frown on their face,they are getting a thunderbolt in the stomach from your own wonder woman
Lady
-shes a very gentle girl
-will probably tell you gossips or secrets using any method possible,sometimes having to sprint for her life if one of the Sparda descendants sees or hears her doing so
-she would buy a little glow thingy if you communicate by Morse code
-poor girl spent hours each night learning morse and sign ,so much that you once found her snoozing on a desk with a multiple page word document all with morse code words/sentences
Nico
-the most chill girl about it
-will build a recorder to translate stuff for you,kind of like what Trish has,but with a keyboard option too which can speak out loud
-she can also use wingdings if you like it (i personally love it)
-complain about her driving and she will dramatically fall to the ground and give you puppy dog eyes
300 notes · View notes
iffeelscouldkill · 3 years
Text
say what we wanna do, make it all come true (chapter 1)
A/N: It is! My fic for the Fiction Podcast Big Bang @podcastbigbang! I am a bit terrified to be posting this after working on it for so long! Also this is in the running for the Longest TSCOSI Fic I’ve Written So Far (not sure if it’s the longest because I don’t remember where my wordcount is up to for Adjusting, but like... it’s long, guys). This is Chapter 1 of 3, and the remaining chapters will be posted weekly!
You can read this on AO3 where the formatting is honestly much better, but here it is on Tumblr anyway. Also, please check out the FANTASTIC artwork made for this fic by the wonderful @bluereadingdolphin and @demonic-kitkats, who are my artists for this fic and their artwork is so good, you guys, I’m in love and they did such a phenomenal job with the honestly pretty vague info they got from me 😂 
bluereadingdolphin’s piece
demonic-kitkat’s piece (from Chapter 2!)
Please give them all the love!
Content warnings: There is a relatively brief physical altercation described in this chapter, but it isn’t graphic or bloody.
Also, I play a little fast and loose with POV in this; the first section is told from Sana’s perspective, the rest from Arkady’s.
---
“Hello and welcome back to Radio Indie, Folk and Techno, also known as RIFT, where we play all the bands that matter outside of the mainstream! I’m Piper Tanaka, and I’m your co-host for this programme! I’m joined as usual by the lovely Kestrel Colvin, with Reina Sakamachi in the booth! Now – where were we?”
“You were introducing our guests for this next section,” Kestrel replied in a slightly despairing tone.
“Right! Indie fans, I am joined today by two members of the fabulous up-and-coming indie band Rumor! With me in the studio are frontwoman and lead guitarist Sana Tripathi—”
“Hey! It’s a pleasure to be here.”
“—and bad girl bassist Arkady Patel.”
“Bad girl?” Arkady repeated, sounding halfway between taken aback and annoyed. Kestrel just shook her head.
“Ignore her. She’s got a thing for a certain… aesthetic.”
Next to Arkady, Sana was doing an incredibly poor job of hiding her laughter. “It’s the combat boots,” she whispered to Arkady.
“These are practical,” Arkady told her in a tone that suggested they’d had this conversation a few times. Sana said nothing, but straightened back up with a smirk.
“Sana — or should I call you ‘Captain’?” Piper began playfully. Sana grimaced.
“In hindsight, it was a poor choice to share that nickname in an interview.”
“You know, I think it suits you,” said Piper. “There’s something commanding about your aura. Sana, you and the band — which I understand you and Arkady originally started as a duo a few years ago—”
“That’s right,” Sana confirmed.
“You’ve always had a dedicated and loyal following, even from your early days — and we’re proud to have been playing your music here on this station for almost as long — but I think it’s fair to say the past few months have seen that rocket to a whole new level,” Piper said. “You got signed to a record label belonging to the mysterious but notoriously discerning Red Gregor, are working on your second album, and played a major gig at the CUI stadium just a few weeks ago. And we are definitely going to talk later about what went down at that gig, which is already the stuff of online legend — but first I want to backtrack a little, because I think the moment that everything started happening for you was when you added a new member to your band. In the middle of a gig, if the rumours are true. Can you tell us how that happened?”
Sana and Arkady exchanged a sidelong glance, and Arkady gave Sana a tiny nod. Sana took a deep breath, and began to tell the story.
---
“Jeeter, for the last time, put the keytar away,” Arkady said irritably as she and Sana entered the draughty, abandoned warehouse that the band was using as their current rehearsal space. The acoustics were pretty weird, probably due to all the broken windows, but it was otherwise hard to beat a free place to rehearse — especially a free place with no asshole neighbours who would yell at them to turn it down and threaten to call the cops.
Admittedly, it was in kind of a rough area, but Arkady had only needed to knock someone unconscious with her bass once.
In retaliation, Brian played another bright riff on his beloved instrument, accompanied by some jazzy keyboard chords from Krejjh. The two had been jamming together before Arkady and Sana arrived. “Dude, c’mon, can’t you hear how good this sounds?” Brian wheedled. “How many other indie bands do you know that have a keytar?”
“None. For good reason,” Arkady said, unzipping her case and slinging her bass around her neck. Sana, unpacking the sound equipment, smiled in fond amusement at their well-worn argument.
“It would give us such a great edge! Totally unique. And Krejjh and I have so many ideas that would sound great with both instruments—”
“Okay, Jeeter,” Arkady interrupted him, twiddling one of her tuning pegs. “You can play the keytar. Just as soon as you find us someone else who can play the drums.” She stooped to plug her bass into the portable amplifier that Sana had just unpacked. “Or are you planning to grow an extra pair of hands so you can play both at once?”
“Oooh! No, I should have an extra pair of hands!” Krejjh immediately (and predictably) enthused. “Then I’d sound four times as awesome! Four hands, all rockin’ out!”
“I think you mean ‘twice as awesome’,” Sana told them, as Brian reluctantly put away his keytar and picked up his neglected drumsticks.
“With me, twice the hands equals four times the awesome,” Krejjh replied with irrefutable logic. Brian laughed and held up a hand.
“Dude, high five.”
Sana waited for the two of them to finish their congratulatory high-five before she called the band to order. “Okay, guys — remember that we’re only a few days out from our gig at the IGR Corp function, so we need to have our crowd-pleasers up to standard.”
Arkady immediately wrinkled her nose. “Ugh, corporates. Why are we taking money from them again?”
“Because we need to pay for rent and food,” Sana said, bluntly. “And they’re giving us a lot for it. I know none of us love playing corporate gigs—”
“Understatement.”
“—but we are living a hand to mouth existence at this point, and if I can guarantee our survival as a band by relieving some corporates of their excess funds, then I’m going to do just that,” Sana continued. She waited a beat, and then added, “Also, we’re gonna let them get really drunk and then start playing our best anti-capitalist anthems, and see how long it takes for them to notice.”
Arkady broke into a shit-eating grin. “That’s more like it.” Krejjh cheered, and Brian did a little run-down on his drumkit, hitting each of the drums in turn.
“All right, let’s start with ‘Fear for the Storm’? One, two, three, four…” Sana started strumming the intro on her guitar, joined after a few beats by Krejjh’s melody on the keyboard.
“So long, can’t dodge the dawn, red light shines on and on and on and on and on…”
---
Arkady had been on edge ever since the band set foot in the agonisingly hipster office complex — excuse me, ‘headquarters’ — belonging to IGR Corp.
It wasn’t just the fact that these guys were extremely corporate corporates, or that the whole place radiated an almost aggressively minimalist aesthetic, or that the walls were covered in bullshit, chipper slogans that were all fancy ways of saying, ‘Work should be your existence – if isn’t, you’re dead to us’ — although those things sure as hell didn’t help, reminding her of the absolute worst parts of every soul-sucking corporate job she’d worked before Sana mercifully re-entered her life and suggested they form a band.
No, there was just this weird vibe, like everyone was super on edge and trying to hide it — the higher-ups were stone-faced, muttering into earpieces or barking orders at underlings, who scurried, terrified, to carry out their wishes. And everyone else, from the tech types in plain white T-shirts and jeans to the smartly-dressed sales reps in suits, looked like they were there on pain of death. Wasn’t this supposed to be a party?
The atmosphere didn’t go unnoticed by the other band members. “Kind of a weird feel to this place,” Jeeter remarked as he unpacked his drumkit on the raised platform at the front of the ‘rec center’ where they would be performing. Normally, setting up was a noisy, clumsy affair, with the band elbowing each other, tripping over wires, and getting in each other’s way in the tiny space they were afforded in bars and nightclubs. Here, the platform that would be their makeshift stage was huge and extremely visible — but everyone was completely ignoring them. There was also very little background noise for a room packed with people, and the band found themselves speaking in hushed murmurs, almost tiptoeing around. “You’d think there would be a bit more… chatter?”
“Maybe the alcohol just isn’t flowing yet,” Sana speculated, but she sounded uneasy as she looked out over the tense crowd. Even Krejjh, with their signature hot pink, heart-shaped sunglasses perched on top of their dyed-lavender hair, dressed in a clashing, flamboyant jumble of clothes and accessories, seemed subdued.
Arkady plugged in her bass with a burst of static, and deliberately played a loud riff. Brian startled and dropped his drumstick, but not a single member of the sea of blandly-dressed IGR Corp employees flinched.
Weird.
The sound equipment was all set up, sound check performed and instruments tuned by half past, but the set wasn’t due to start until o’clock. Normally, Arkady would be making a beeline for the bar, but she didn’t really feel like rubbing shoulders with any of these weird drones. She found herself reflexively checking the exits, mentally charting their fastest route out of there in case something really fucked up started going down. Sana half-jokingly called it paranoia; Arkady called it long, hard experience.
It was on one of her scans of the room that she noticed the woman with the septum piercing. Arkady chalked it up to professional interest — as a kid, she’d picked up some extra money working as an assistant in a tattoo and piercing shop, The Landing. She’d first met Sana there when the other woman came in on several occasions to have work done on an amazingly intricate floral sleeve tattoo — her own design. Later, Sana had led a campaign to save The Landing from being shut down over a bunch of bullshit health code violations so that the billionaire Cresswin family — who owned the property — could sell it off to a shitty corporation.
The campaign hadn’t worked, and there was now a high rise office block where Arkady’s home from home had once stood. But Arkady had never forgotten Sana.
Anyway, it was definitely the woman’s piercing and not anything else about her appearance that caught Arkady’s attention first. But then she noticed that there was something off about her body language and the way she was moving — something that Arkady recognised. She wasn’t scurrying about in a panic or affecting bored disinterest; her eyes were flickering around the room, carefully monitoring the comings and goings of the other employees while seeming not to do so. There were little devices studded around the room that Arkady had clocked as security cameras the moment they entered (it was the kind of thing she made a habit of noticing), and she saw the woman glancing up at them.
She was dressed like an employee – white blouse, dark rinse blue jeans – so why was she acting like she was casing the joint? Of course, Arkady reasoned, the outfit could easily have been chosen to blend in. It didn’t necessarily mean she worked there.
“Seen something interesting, ‘Kady?” Sana asked playfully. Arkady didn’t startle, but it was a near thing; she’d been so focused on watching this woman.
Unfortunately, Sana saw where she’d been looking. “You know, we’ve still got close to half an hour before we start our first set,” she said. “You can go and mingle.”
“I’m not here to socialise,” Arkady said witheringly. “Least of all with corporate drones.” She tore her eyes away from the woman to meet Sana’s amused look.
“I’m just saying, you seemed pretty absorbed there…” Sana said, and Arkady rolled her eyes, determined not to respond to her best friend’s teasing. She glanced back at the spot where the woman had been standing and found it empty.
A second later, Arkady had found her again, weaving through the crowd with her head ducked down. She was taking an odd route across the room that Arkady realised must have been calculated to avoid the security cameras. Occasionally she disappeared, behind people or objects (like a huge, obviously fake ficus plant), but it wasn’t hard for Arkady to spot her again. Clearly there was some kind of purpose to what she was doing, but the woman wasn’t a professional.
There was an elevator against the far wall, and as Arkady watched, the doors opened and a small group of people in suits – latecomers to the party – walked out of it. The woman mingled with them briefly, and then disappeared inside the elevator. The doors closed.
Well, that had been a way to kill five minutes, but now Arkady was stuck with nothing to do again. Krejjh and Jeeter had pulled out a pack of cards, and were playing one of their weird games on top of Krejjh’s keyboard. Arkady turned to Sana, about to make another comment about how much this place creeped her out, when she caught sight of the other person moving across the room.
Judging by the expensive suit, they were a higher-up, and were taking none of the precautions the woman had when making their way across the room, which suggested that they were confident about being allowed to do whatever it was they were doing. And to Arkady, it looked an awful lot like they were following the woman she’d seen. Based on the way the suit jacket fell, she’d also bet even money that they were armed.
Sure enough, the suit called the elevator, and disappeared into it a second later. Arkady swore under her breath.
It was none of her goddamn business whether a person she didn’t even know might be in danger, Arkady told herself. She was here to play music, not to get in the middle of whatever might be going down at this godawful corporation. Which again, was none of her business anyway.
Her resolve lasted all of ten seconds.
“I’m going to get a drink,” she told Sana, and placed her bass onto its stand.
“Oooh! Bring me a cocktail – no, a mocktail!” Krejjh said. Sana just looked at her quizzically.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Arkady nodded briefly. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and jumped down off the platform.
She wasn’t under any illusions that Sana wouldn’t notice where she was going, and just hoped that her best friend would trust her to be back in time for the set. She slipped through the crowd, following the same path that the woman had taken to avoid the watchful eyes of the security cameras.
This worked right up until she entered the elevator, where sure enough, a security camera was embedded into the top corner. How had this woman planned to avoid getting caught?
Arkady pulled out her smartphone, and began to quickly and expertly worm her way into the closed network that IGR Corp was using for its security systems. After just a few moments, she’d managed to identify the IP address that the lift camera was using, and wow, whoever had set up this system was either incredibly lazy or was trying to lay out a welcome mat for hackers. They hadn’t bothered to change the default access password.
Arkady wound back the last few minutes of recorded video, and watched as the woman with the septum piercing pressed the button for the top floor. Arkady did the same, and as the elevator moved upwards, she introduced a glitch that would cause the security camera to loop footage of an empty elevator instead of showing who was actually inside. Then she worked to edit out the archive footage of the woman riding up in the elevator, and of herself getting in.
If it turned out that there was nothing weird going on here after all, well, she’d had some fun exploiting the corporates’ shitty security system.
But Arkady was pretty sure there was something weird going on.
The elevator came to a silent stop, and Arkady silently thanked the deities she didn’t really believe in for the fact that this place was too hipster to have an elevator that made a noise when it arrived at the right floor. The doors slid open, and Arkady immediately spotted another security camera on exiting the elevator. God, these corporates were paranoid. But apparently not paranoid enough to pay their security person to do their job properly.
Annoyingly, the security cameras for this floor seemed to be on a separate network, and Arkady started another hack as she crept down the corridor, straining her ears for the sounds of a confrontation. Further down, she saw an office door swinging open, as if someone had gone through it in a hurry. Arkady approached it, being careful to stay out of sight of the doorway. Closer to, she could hear a voice coming from inside – the suit’s, if she had to guess.
“…sure CEO Golding-Frederick will be very interested to hear just what you’re doing in her office, Ms. Liu.”
“Seiders, I can explain,” the woman – Liu – replied, her voice high with tension. “Project ADVANCE – it’s not what we’ve been told. The company is using it to-”
“What the company may or may not be doing with Project ADVANCE is not your concern,” Seiders said smoothly, over her, “and is a long way above your pay grade. But I’d be very interested to learn where you got your information from.”
“Do you know what’s going on at this company?” Liu demanded, outraged. “And that’s – you have no problems with what they’re doing?”
The closed network for the top floor of the building was much less of a pushover than the elevator, and Arkady kept half of her attention on the conversation inside the room as she worked to find a flaw in the system. Finally, she made it in, and began trying different password combinations for the camera in the hallway.
“It’s not my job to ask questions, Ms. Liu,” Seiders had been saying. “Neither is it yours. And if you value your job – not to mention the safety and security of your loved ones – you’ll step away from that computer, and go back downstairs to the party.”
“Are you threatening me? Are you threatening my family?” Liu demanded. “No, I’m not going to stay silent about this. Someone has to take a stand against what this company is doing. And if anything happens to me, that’ll only raise more questions.”
“We’re very good at making those questions go away,” said Seiders, and Arkady heard Liu suck in a breath. She moved so that she could see inside the room and shit, that was a gun. Arkady rapidly began calculating her angle of attack. “Didn’t you ever wonder what happened to Connors from Engineering?”
“That’s not – you can’t just make a person disappear,” Liu said, desperately. “I – I have insurance! Documents that I’ve sent to a friend of mine. If I don’t check in with them in two hours, they’re going to send them to a journalist contact, and it’ll be all over the press in the morning.”
Arkady could hear the lie in her voice so clearly, and she knew Seiders could, too. “If you had enough evidence to be worth a damn, you wouldn’t have broken into this office,” they replied. “I’m going to ask you one last time. Step away from the-”
Arkady slammed into the room, deliberately making as much noise as she could to draw Seiders’ attention. She took two, three steps towards them and grabbed their gun hand, forcing it down and towards the floor. She managed to hook one arm around their throat, pulling back and applying pressure. Seiders choked, struggling and jerking against Arkady’s grip. With the hand that was holding their gun hand, Arkady twisted and pulled their fingers open, causing the weapon to drop to the floor.
“Liu, grab the gun!” Arkady ordered. She saw the other woman yank something out of the computer that looked like a flash drive, stowing it inside her blouse. She dove for the gun at the same time that Seiders managed to thrust an elbow back, driving it into Arkady’s midsection.
All the air left Arkady’s lungs and as she struggled to draw a breath in, Seiders took advantage of her loosened grip to twist free. They grappled with Liu for the gun, but Liu succeeded in kicking it away, where it spun underneath a nearby cabinet. Then Arkady was on Seiders again, jumping onto their back and choking them.
She heard the sound of running footsteps, and someone else burst into the room. Arkady didn’t get a chance to see who it was before Seiders slammed their head back, knocking into Arkady’s and making bright white lights explode across her vision. She dropped to the floor and staggered, trying to clear her head.
She heard an oof and a thud, and blinked rapidly, sure that she would open her eyes to see Seiders bearing down on Liu – or worse, standing over her unconscious body.
Instead, she was greeted with the sight of Seiders crumpling like a sack of potatoes as Sana flexed her fist, having delivered a powerful uppercut that knocked them out cold.
Silence reigned for a few seconds, broken only by Liu’s sharp, panicked breaths. Rubbing her head, Arkady said, “Hey, Sana.”
“The next time you decide to go off on a rescue mission,” Sana said, wryly, “you could at least tell me where you’re going.” She frowned as she took in Arkady’s dishevelled state. “Is your head all right?”
“I’ll be fine,” said Arkady. She was more concerned with Liu, who looked like she might be on the verge of a panic attack. “Hey, uh, it’s okay. We took care of them.”
“Who-” Liu managed, taking deep breaths in and out, clearly trying to steady her breathing. “Who are you?”
Sana smiled at her, warm and reassuring. “My name is Sana Tripathi, and this is Arkady Patel. We’re-”
There was a noise that sounded not unlike a herd of elephants storming down the corridor, and Arkady closed her eyes. She had a bad feeling she knew what was about to happen. Sure enough, in the next second Krejjh and Jeeter clattered through the door in all their clashing multicoloured glory: Jeeter in his signature loud paid shirt and those stupid khakis, and Krejjh with their… everything. Most of the clattering was coming from Krejjh’s many bangles.
“Cap’n Tripathi!” Krejjh said. “We’re here to assist you with – oh my god, are they dead?” They stared at the unconscious form of Seiders on the floor.
“They’re not dead, they’re just unconscious,” Arkady said, irritated. “Did you two really take off without anyone to watch the equipment?”
Sana turned back to Liu like nothing had happened. “We’re the band,” she finished succinctly. “I’m the guitarist and lead singer, Arkady here plays the bass, and Krejjh and Brian are our keyboardist and drummer.” She indicated each of them in turn. Jeeter waved, and Krejjh saluted for some reason. “And who are you?”
Liu blinked at her. “You… you just saved my life, and you don’t even know who I am?” she said. “Why would you do that?”
“For one thing, because you’d probably be dead if we hadn’t,” Arkady said. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.” She pulled out the phone to finish the hack on the security cameras that she’d started before she entered the room.
“I – no, I know that. I’m not ungrateful,” Liu said, sounding a little stung. “I’m just a little… in shock. My name is Violet Liu,” she added to Sana. “I, uh, work in IGR Corp’s neuroresearch division.”
“Good to meet you, Violet Liu,” Sana said, sounding like they were old friends catching up at the bar instead of total strangers talking to each other over an unconscious body. “’Kady, are you erasing the security footage?”
Arkady nodded.
“Good; Brian and I will carry our friend here,” Sana indicated Seiders with her foot, “into the hallway. I think I noticed a closet there we can hide them in.”
“Uh… are you guys really the band?” Liu asked, as Sana and Jeeter – who was much stronger than he looked – bent down to pick up Seiders. “You seem very…” She struggled to find the right words. “…good at this.”
“We have some unorthodox skillsets,” Sana said, beaming and dimpling at her. “We don’t normally make a habit of rescuing people in the middle of a gig, but Arkady has a soft spot for damsels in distress.”
Arkady fumbled her phone, and nearly dropped it. “Sana,” she hissed, mortified. Sana, who was already partway out of the door, winked and disappeared into the hallway.
After a moment, Arkady realised that she and Liu were the only ones in the room, Krejjh evidently having decided to go along and supervise, or something. She refocused her attention on the hack she was carrying out; she’d managed to hack the hallway security camera, and was erasing the footage from that, but she still needed to do the one in the office.
“Uh…” Liu awkwardly broke the silence. “Is there anything that you need me to…”
“Is anyone likely to be monitoring the security cameras in real-time?” Arkady asked her. The question came out sounding a little harsher than she’d intended, but it was hard to be diplomatic when she was focused on trying to break into a security system. Also, it was a little annoying that Liu apparently hadn’t thought about security cameras beyond the ones on the ground floor.
“N-no, the system is all automated,” Liu replied. Well, that was something, at least. “I, uh, I do have a virus that I was planning to use on the security system that would corrupt the footage. I just needed to find an access point.”
Fine, so there had been a plan of sorts. “This is quicker,” Arkady told her. “And the way I’m doing it, it won’t be so obvious that someone has tampered with the footage.”
“Thank you for that,” Liu said, quietly. “And thank you for – I mean, you don’t even know me, but you came up here to help me. Why?”
Arkady shrugged, keeping her shoulders hunched and avoiding Liu’s gaze. “You looked like you were in trouble,” she said shortly. And that was the office camera done. Arkady resisted the urge to change the password to something rude, and withdrew from the network. “And I don’t like corporations. What were you trying to do, blow the whistle on them or something?”
“Um, I-”
Before she could explain, Sana poked her head back into the room. “Arkady, are you done? Because I don’t think we should be hanging around up here.”
“I’m done,” Arkady said with a nod, pocketing her phone. The two of them joined Sana, Krejjh and Jeeter in the hallway.
“We need a plan to get Violet back downstairs and out of the building without her being seen,” Sana said quickly. “’Kady, do you think you two can make it out in fifteen minutes?”
Arkady huffed. “I can hack the security cams, but I can’t actually make us invisible,” she pointed out. “People are gonna notice us. If we waited until you guys started the set, then we might have a better chance, while everyone’s attention is on the band.”
“Listen – it’s not that I don’t really appreciate the help,” Liu cut in. Her face was set, like she was preparing to go to the gallows. “But none of this needs to be your problem. It’s my mess, and I can get myself out of it. You guys should go and start your set.”
“Oh, pshaw!” said Krejjh. “We’re not just gonna leave you to the bears!”
Jeeter smiled. “To the wolves,” he corrected Krejjh.
“Are y’sure? Because bears can be pretty terrifying.”
“We’re not about to abandon you now,” Sana said to Liu, gently. “Between the five of us, I’m sure we can figure out a pretty good plan.”
“Can’t we just pretend to be loading something into the truck?” Jeeter suggested. “And Violet can help us? We could give her a band jacket – make her look like she’s with us-”
“It’s too bad you don’t play!” Krejjh said to Violet. “We could add you into the set. The ultimate entourage!”
“Uh…” Violet said (at the same time as Arkady said, “Camouflage.”) “I mean, I do play something? But you guys already have a drummer.”
“Wait, you’re a drummer?” Jeeter said delightedly, as Krejjh straightened up so fast that Arkady thought they’d pull a muscle. Even Sana looked interested. “Are you good?”
“Have you ever played with a band before?” added Sana.
Liu smiled and shrugged awkwardly. “Well, drums aren’t really a solo instrument, so yeah. I used to jam with some friends in high school, and played some underground rock concerts in college. I was never really with a band – we just sort of used to form collectives based on who was around and wanted to play. It was fun, though.”
She’d avoided answering the question about how good she was, Arkady noticed, which probably meant she was good and was being modest about it. Goddamn it.
“So if, hypothetically speaking,” Sana said, “you joined a set without having rehearsed any of the music beforehand, would you be able to figure out a drum part?”
“Okay, hold on,” said Arkady, before Violet could respond. “Don’t you think IGR Corp is going to notice that one of their employees has just… joined the band?”
“We’ll swear up and down that it isn’t her,” Jeeter said. “And even if someone figures it out, what are they gonna do about it in front of everyone?”
“But wait, what about you?” Liu asked Jeeter. “Wouldn’t I be putting you out of a role in the band?”
“Nah,” Jeeter said happily. “I brought my keytar!”
“Oh my god,” Arkady groaned. She could tell when she was fighting a losing battle, but it didn’t stop her from making one last, token protest. “This is going to sound really goddamn weird.”
Sana grinned at her. “Well, you wanted to annoy some corporates,” she pointed out. “What better way to do it?”
---
The problem was, the new line-up didn’t sound weird at all.
It sounded good.
Liu, hastily disguised with an old band jacket and a spare pare of Krejjh’s sunglasses, fitted in with their set like she’d been rehearsing with them for weeks – months even. They did a quick sound check, Jeeter looking far too delighted as he amped up his keytar. Sana gave her usual cheerful introduction into the microphone, introducing the band as Renegade, the name they adopted for corporate gigs (Arkady was even more glad of it now, since it would make them harder to track down later). After a lukewarm reception from the assembled employees (none of whom seemed to notice, or care, that the band had grown an extra member), they launched into their first number, a reimagined cover of ‘What Shall We Do with the Drunken Sailor’.
It started off with Sana singing alone, before Krejjh joined in, their voices singing in close harmony, and then Arkady and finally Jeeter, the harmonies becoming increasingly layered as they went. The addition of the keytar made the song sound futuristic, almost the kind of thing you could imagine crews of space explorers singing together as they made their way into the unknown.
Liu picked up the beat easily, and as the song unfolded Arkady suddenly realised she could hear a fifth strand to the harmony, weaving in and out of the other voices, soft but distinctive: Liu was singing.
They moved on from the conventional crowd-pleasing openers to a more eclectic mix of songs, including some punk and anarchist numbers. Each time, Arkady was sure that the choice was going to throw Liu off, but she adapted smoothly to each one, altering her style to fit the vibe of the song. In one of the louder, heavier songs she even threw in an impromptu drum solo that had Krejjh whooping at the keyboard and Sana laughing as she riffed on her guitar.
Sana threw Arkady a look as the song ended, and there was a light in her eyes that Arkady knew far, far too well. It was the same light that Arkady had seen when Sana tracked her down at her latest deadbeat job and persuaded her to quit and start playing music with her; the same light that she’d had when they met Brian and Krejjh a year later and Sana had decided to turn their duo into a band.
Sana wanted Liu to join Rumor. And Arkady couldn’t even think of a good argument against it, apart from the fact that they barely knew anything about the woman other than that she could play the drums. And that she was a corporate, which Arkady thought was important not to lose sight of, even if Liu wasn’t on the greatest terms with her employer any more.
Speaking of which. Arkady was on high alert throughout the whole set, constantly scanning the crowd for signs of trouble, anyone who might be looking too closely at Liu or showed signs of moving towards the elevator. As they’d been setting up, Liu had told them that Seiders was middle management: someone who outranked her, but not someone who held a position of particular influence within the company or had the ear of the CEO. Someone who had ambitions above their station. It didn’t mean no-one would notice them missing, of course; but it meant that they might be someone who, for instance, would go after a rogue employee without notifying their superior, hoping to reap all of the credit.
The band moved into their final number, ‘Landers Never Stand Down’ – one of Sana and Arkady’s early compositions, whose lyrics Sana had written as a tribute to The Landing, and her and Arkady’s shared history. Normally, Arkady would object to wasting it on a corporate audience, but tonight, it felt like the right kind of ‘fuck you’.
“Landers never stand down,
Landers never bow,
Landers never stand down,
We don’t know how…”
They wound up the song in their usual fashion, repeating the chorus and getting fiercer and more defiant with each repetition, before ending in a final blaze of guitar chords.
“Thank you, everyone, you’ve been a wonder to perform for!” Sana said into the microphone as the chords faded away. She said the same thing at the end of every gig, but it had never felt more like a colossal understatement. “We’ve been Renegade, and we hope you have a great night!”
There was a small scattering of applause. Sana beamed out into the audience again, and then turned away from the microphone, sliding the power to ‘off’. “Well, that was-”
“Attention, all IGR Corp employees,” came a voice over the loudspeaker system. Sana froze, and Liu, who’d been leaning over to say something to Krejjh, paled visibly. “Please stay where you are. We will be carrying out a routine attendance check. Please do not exit the building.”
“Attendance check?” Arkady repeated.
“It’s a standard employee procedure,” Liu explained. “To make sure everyone’s… accounted for at corporate functions. Supposedly they’re optional, but it looks really bad if you’re not there and you don’t have a reason.”
“Do we think there’s a chance this is linked to…” Sana gestured towards the elevator. Liu shrugged helplessly.
“It could be, but even if it’s not, they’re gonna discover that Seiders is missing pretty quickly. And that I’m… unaccounted for.”
“Don’t worry,” said Jeeter, reassuringly. “We’ll figure out a way to get you out before that happens.”
“Dashing escapes are our speciality!” Krejjh contributed. This was true; the band hadn’t always played at the most above-the-board venues, and there’d been more than a few times they’d needed to get the hell out of Dodge before things got ugly. Well, uglier.
Sana nodded. “For now, just keep packing down, like nothing’s wrong,” she said.
As Krejjh packed down their keyboard and Jeeter helped Liu to disassemble the drumkit, Arkady said to Sana, “I’ll go with Liu, and we can sneak out a back entrance-”
Sana shook her head. “It’ll be more suspicious if we’re not seen leaving as a group.”
“We’ll just say we’re going to the bathroom,” Arkady said. “We’re allowed to do that, aren’t we?”
Sana started to reply, but then stopped, squinting at something on the other side of the room. Arkady tried to follow her gaze, but couldn’t see what she was looking at. “What is it?”
“I thought I saw…” Sana shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s try the front way first, and if they won’t let us leave, we’ll get creative.”
Unsurprisingly, when they carried the first load of equipment over to the rec room entrance, two stoic-looking IGR employees blocked their path, bouncer-style. Arkady eyed one of them, pretty sure she could take her in a one-to-one fight.
“Sorry, we can’t let you leave while an attendance check is ongoing,” said the employee, with a bland detachment. “Company policy.”
“It should only take about an hour,” the other added. “You can enjoy the free refreshments while you wait.”
An hour? Even if they hadn’t had a very pressing reason to get the hell out of there, Arkady would have been looking for the nearest fire escape to break out of. They were just supposed to cool their heels at IGR headquarters for an hour?
“Can we not at least load our equipment into the van in the meantime?” Sana asked reasonably. “This is a very heavy amplifier…” She made a show of struggling with the amp she’d been lifting with ease a few seconds ago, and Arkady suppressed a snort.
One of the corporates had opened their mouth, looking like they were about to object, when a friendly voice spoke from behind them. “Is there a problem here?”
They all turned to look at the person who’d spoken, and Arkady carefully masked her surprise: the tall, dark-skinned man dressed in an expensive-looking suit jacket, T-shirt and jeans combination was none other than Red Gregor, a close friend of Campbell’s. They’d met him once or twice, but what was he doing here?
“Who are you?” asked Corporate One, audibly unimpressed.
“Theodore Gregor; I’m the band’s executive producer,” Gregor introduced himself smoothly, handing Corporate Two a business card. Their eyes widened at whatever was written on it. “My clients have another engagement to get to tonight, so you can understand why it’s very important they be allowed to leave promptly. Additionally, their contract stipulates that they’re only obliged to perform for your company until-” he made a show of checking a gold watch, “-nine-thirty P.M., after which time we’ll need to bill you for every additional half-hour. Will your supervisors be signing off on the additional expenses?”
Corporates One and Two were visibly thrown by the torrent of information. Krejjh made a noise that was hastily stifled, while Arkady did her best to look bored and important.
“I… no, let me just contact my superior to get you the all-clear,” said Corporate One, reluctantly. “Johnson will help you to load your equipment into your…” She eyed the band’s battered van, visibly out of place in the parking lot full of sleek cars. “…vehicle.”
“Great!” Sana said brightly, handing the amplifier to Corporate Two, who took it and staggered slightly. As Corporate One spoke into a walkie-talkie, Sana and Red Gregor strode quickly ahead, the rest of the band trailing behind. Arkady lengthened her steps to catch up with them so that she could hear their quiet exchange.
“…doing here? Did Campbell send you?” Sana was asking Red Gregor.
“In a manner of speaking,” Red Gregor said. “He talks about you so much, I wanted to come and hear what all the fuss was about. Love the new line-up – you guys sound completely different to when I last heard you play.”
“It’s kind of a new thing,” Sana admitted. “New as of… today. I can fill you in, it’s just a long story.”
“I can’t wait to hear it,” Red Gregor said, and Arkady remembered that she’d liked him, the couple of times that they’d met. She could see why he and Campbell were good friends. “But let’s focus on getting you out of here. I’m guessing you need an exit?”
“And fast,” Sana agreed.
“Well, fast’s your speciality,” Red Gregor said with a grin. Sana smiled back at him, and Arkady wondered if Red was basing this off stories from Campbell, or if he and Sana knew each other better than Arkady had realised. It was a strange thought to have in the middle of everything.
Sana unlocked the van and slid open the back door. While Krejjh, Jeeter and Liu loaded their items into the trunk, overseen by Corporate Two, Red Gregor pretended to help Arkady and Sana with their instruments.
“So what now?” Arkady asked Sana. “I think I can probably take Johnson.”
“Arkady, you’ve already been in one fight today,” Sana said, disapproving.
“What’s your point?”
“I have a more bloodless suggestion,” Red Gregor said. “You’ve got a few pieces of equipment left in the venue, right? I’ll go back inside with Johnson to ‘collect’ them, say we’re going to check their supervisor has given you the go-ahead, and you guys make a break for it. I’ll bring the equipment in my car and meet you at the dive bar, half a mile down the road.”
“Are you sure you’ll be able to get away? What happens when they realise we’re gone?” Sana asked.
“I’ll come up with something,” Red Gregor assured her. “Just focus on getting yourselves out of here.”
He walked over to Johnson, who was slightly bemusedly watching Jeeter and Liu (who were clearly stalling for time) rearrange pieces of the drumkit in the trunk, and took him by the arm, steering him back towards the building and talking rapidly all the while.
“As soon as they’re out of sight, everyone needs to get in the van quickly,” Sana instructed. “And hang onto something. Okay? Now!”
Krejjh slammed the trunk of the van shut and everyone piled into the back without a word of protest. Arkady jumped into the front as Sana slid into the driver’s seat, reversing out of the parking space like a shot and executing an alarming hairpin turn to get them onto the road. Liu cried out in alarm, not used to Sana’s driving, and Arkady hung grimly onto the handle on the inside of her door.
“Everyone okay back there?” Sana asked, peering into the rearview mirror.
Arkady looked back to see Jeeter and Krejjh scrambling to put on their seatbelts, each of them having thrown an arm over Liu to keep her in place. “Oops, sorry, I forgot we don��t have a seatbelt for the middle!” Sana said cheerfully as they thudded over a speedbump. Liu closed her eyes. “There’s normally only four of us.”
“It’s not far to where we’re going, right, Captain?” asked Jeeter.
“Just a half mile down the road,” said Sana. “Red Gregor’s going to meet us there with the rest of the equipment, as soon as he can get away.”
“What was he doing at the gig? Did Campbell tell him where we were?”
“I think so. He said that he wanted to come and hear us play,” Arkady said, watching buildings blur past on either side of them. “I guess it was lucky he did.”
“We would’ve figured something out,” Krejjh said confidently.
“Uh, who’s Campbell?” Liu asked, cautiously opening her eyes again.
“He’s our… manager? Kinda?” Krejjh replied. “He doesn’t tell us what to do or anything, but he has a lot of contacts, so he gets us most of our gigs.”
“Contacts in the music industry? Or contacts in like… events venues, bars and clubs?”
“Yes,” Krejjh said helpfully.
“He just has a lot of contacts,” Jeeter said with a smile. Arkady smirked at Liu’s look of consternation.
“Tonight’s gig did not come through Campbell,” said Sana, spotting the dive bar Red Gregor had specified and indicating to turn off the road. “We got it through an agency, Fowleys. I guess that’ll teach us not to go outside Campbell’s network.”
“Hey, it worked out!” Krejjh said. “We got a new drummer out of the deal.”
“Well, for tonight, at least,” Sana said, now reversing into a parking space. “I gotta say, Violet, the way you fitted in with our sound? That was amazing. Our set sounded better than I could’ve imagined.”
Liu blushed. “They were great songs,” she demurred, as the van came to a stop.
“Too bad it was wasted on IGR Corp,” Arkady remarked, undoing her seat belt as they all climbed out of the van.
They got a table in the corner of the dive bar, which was pretty full and made it easy to blend in. As Sana went to get them all drinks, Krejjh and Jeeter started up some kind of nonsensical word game. Arkady and Liu glanced at each other occasionally, but otherwise sat in awkward silence.
Finally, Arkady asked something that had been on her mind since she intervened in the confrontation between Liu and Seiders, though it had taken a back seat to more pressing concerns. “What was it you were trying to get from that computer, anyway?”
“Sorry?” Liu asked, looking away from Krejjh and Jeeter, where she’d been listening in on the game with a slightly baffled expression.
“In the CEO’s office,” Arkady clarified. “I saw you take a flash drive out of the computer. What were you trying to get?”
“Oh,” Liu said, drawing out the little drive from inside her blouse. “Yeah, I was… trying to copy some files onto it. I’m not sure how much I got, though – I had to pull it out before the transfer was complete, and I think they’re encrypted.”
“What kind of files are they?” Arkady asked, thinking that she could probably break the encryption in an afternoon. Maybe less.
Liu hesitated, and Arkady narrowed her eyes. “You’re not still trying to protect your company, are you? In case you don’t remember-”
“No, no,” Liu said quickly. “I just – I’m not sure if it would be safe to tell you. Safe for you,” she added. “Right now, you have plausible deniability if anyone questions you. You genuinely don’t know what’s on this flash drive. So maybe it would be better to keep it that way.”
Arkady was a little bit pacified by that, but still – “Considering I’ve already aided and abetted you, I think that ship has sailed,” she pointed out. “No-one is going to believe I did it without having any idea what you were up to. Which I’m fine with,” she added, as a guilt-stricken look crossed Liu’s face. “I made a choice to help you, and so did the others. But I may as well know what the stakes are.”
“Yeah, that’s… fair,” admitted Liu. Next to her, Krejjh was doing a fairly poor job of pretending not to listen in. “They’re blueprints. My company – the company – has been developing… do you know what IGR Corp does? What kind of a company it is?”
“Some kind of a tech company?” Arkady said. She vaguely remembered Sana saying something about that when they got the gig. She hadn’t really been paying attention to the details.
Liu nodded. “Smart technology – specifically, smart home technology. We produce – I mean, they produce things like smart security systems, smart doorbells, systems that can detect when someone has a medical emergency. Systems that are designed to help keep people safe.”
Arkady had to work to keep from grimacing. She wasn’t sure that being monitored by a computer 24/7 fitted everyone’s definition of ‘safety’, but maybe Liu had never had cause to doubt that the people with power had her best interests at heart. Lucky her.
“But then,” Liu went on, her voice bitter, “I found out that the latest product we were developing – the one that was supposed to make everyone’s lives so much easier, so much better – is being created as a surveillance device. To eavesdrop on people and send their data back to the company. And I know that a lot of smart devices have audio capabilities, but – this was hardwired in. Impossible to disable. And this weird, secretive new division of the company has been set up to process the data.”
“What are they gonna do with it?” Arkady asked.
“Who knows,” Liu said. “They could be collecting it for the government, but – I think it’s more likely they’re just planning to sell it on to the highest bidder.”
Arkady’s eyes narrowed, and she wished that Sana had brought the drinks already so that she’d have something to down.
“You know,” Liu said, her voice suddenly much softer. “I, uh. I still haven’t thanked you properly for, uh, well-”
“O-kay!” came Sana’s voice, loudly, as she finally arrived at their table carrying a small tray laden with glasses. “Sorry for the delay, guys, there was a heck of a crowd up at the bar. Also, the bartender was really interested in talking to me while he pulled these drinks.” She made a wry expression, her dimple deepening in one cheek. “Cheer up, ‘Kady, I’ve got your favourite-” She slid a pint glass of raspberry ale in front of Arkady.
“Thanks,” Arkady mumbled, not looking at Liu.
Red Gregor arrived not long after, having apparently evaded IGR Corp by pretending that he was going outside to look for the band, and then driving off with the equipment before anyone realised what was happening. Sana passed him a drink from the tray; no-one asked how she already knew his preferred drink order.
“So look,” said Arkady, after they’d done some small talk and toasted to a successful getaway (Sana’s idea, of course). “Not that we didn’t appreciate the save earlier – you had pretty good timing – but why’d you go to all the trouble of coming to an IGR Corp function just to hear us play? How did you even get in?”
“I know a lot of people,” Red Gregor said mysteriously, with a fluid shrug. “As for why I came – you probably don’t know this, but I’ve been getting into the music biz lately.”
Arkady tried to remember what ‘biz’ Red Gregor had been in before, and couldn’t. He was one of those people who seemed to do a bit of everything.
“That’s awesome!” said Krejjh, looking delighted. “Are you going to start a band? Or manage one?”
Red Gregor smiled. “Actually, neither. I’m starting a record label,” he said. “And I want to sign you guys to it.”
Liu choked on her drink; Jeeter said, “Wow, really?” and even Sana looked taken aback. Clearly this hadn’t been the answer she was expecting.
“Us?” she said, as if Gregor could have meant anyone else. “As in…” She gestured around the table, including Liu.
Red Gregor nodded. “Look, your new sound is like nothing I’ve ever heard from a band before,” he said. “Campbell has always spoken highly of you guys, and I really liked your originals the last time I heard you perform. But with this new line-up? I think you could become really big. If that’s something that you want, of course.”
Sana sat back in her chair, looking thoughtful, while Krejjh looked practically ready to vibrate out of theirs with excitement. “That would be a pretty big step for us,” she said. “Not that we wouldn’t love – more exposure, better opportunities-”
“Gigs in legal venues?” put in Jeeter.
“More above-the-board performances,” agreed Sana. “But we’ve only played once with this new line-up. We don’t know for sure if we can replicate that – and I mean, we’d be asking Violet to just drop everything and join us full-time-”
Red Gregor held up his hands. “Like I said, it’s completely up to you,” he said. “I’m not here to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. But don’t underestimate yourselves. I wouldn’t be offering if I didn’t have faith in you guys.”
Sana looked around the table, taking in the mixture of expressions, ranging from Krejjh’s eagerness to Liu’s uncertainty to Arkady’s… Arkady didn’t know what her face was doing. “We’ll have to put it to a vote,” she said, predictably. “And if any of you need more time to think this over-”
“I’m in!” Krejjh said instantly. “We rocked tonight! I want to keep on rocking that hard. And we should totally record an album.”
Jeeter smiled fondly. “I’m on board with anything that will let me keep playing the keytar,” he admitted. “And I thought we sounded pretty awesome, as well.”
Sana looked at Liu. “Violet, you’re the one who this would be the biggest change for,” she said. “The rest of us are already playing in a band full-time. Well, with the odd side gig,” she added, because yeah, they did not yet make enough money from performing to cover the bills. “You barely know us, and you’re not under any obligation to stick around – or to switch careers.”
Liu gave a slightly broken laugh. “Well, I don’t really think I can go back to my old one,” she said. “That option evaporated as soon as one of my colleagues pulled a gun on me. Not… sure I’ve really had time to process that yet.”
Sana nodded. “If it’s too soon-”
“But no amount of processing is going to make my situation any different,” Liu went on. “I could try to get another job in my field, but… IGR Corp is a pretty well-known company. Word’s going to get around that I’m untrustworthy, especially if they put it about that I tried to steal corporate secrets.”
“They can’t do that,” Sana said immediately. “I used to do some union work; whistleblowing is a protected activity, and it’s against the law for them to blacklist you – to make it more difficult for you to obtain future employment.”
Liu smiled slightly. “I don’t think IGR Corp are too concerned with breaking the law,” she pointed out. “I appreciate it, but… this isn’t my first experience with a hostile work environment.”
Okay, so maybe Arkady should take back her earlier thought about Liu never having had cause to distrust the people in power.
“Besides, I haven’t even blown the whistle on them yet – I’m not sure if the information I have is worth anything,” Liu said, a little grimly. “And anyway… I think it’s time for a clean slate. So, if you’ll have me… I’m in.”
Which just left Arkady. She could see how pleased Sana was that Liu was willing to join the band full-time, even though she was trying to hide it. Krejjh and Jeeter, too, were excited – and not just at the prospect of getting better gigs and earning more money (though that was a very appealing prospect).
The fact was, Red Gregor was right – they’d sounded like a completely new band during their performance. Arkady had always liked their stuff (of course she did; she’d even co-written some of it) but the new sound gave it a flair she hadn’t even realised it had been missing. As much as she couldn’t help thinking of the dozens of ways this could go wrong, she wanted them to keep sounding like that. She wanted to see what else they could do.
“‘Kady?” asked Sana.
Arkady took a deep breath. “Sure. Let’s do this.”
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mcatra · 4 years
Text
Catra works at Burger King pt 3
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catradora in ther modern party clothes!
AO3
pt1/2
Catra was currently studying in the library, trying to work her way through a math problem. 
Her place didn't have internet, so she usually alternated between the school wifi, the public library, and Burger King. Lonnie usually let her study in the break room when the libraries closed up. 
Her phone pings with a message, obviously from Adora. 
Catra picks up her phone and unlocks it, eyebrow raising when she sees the message. 
Adora: 
Wyd? 
Catra sighs. Of course that airheaded jock texted like a frat boy. As much as she wanted to leave her on read, a deal was a deal. 
Catra: 
Studying. 
Adora: 
So diligent! You're so cool, Catra :) 
Adora: 
I'm weightlifting right now! Gotta work off all those BK calories 💪
Great, maybe she will leave her alone to go do her workout. 
Adora: 
[image.attachment]
Catra almost drops her phone when she sees the photo Adora sent. It was a shot of her by the mirror, and she was flexing with a dumbbell. She was wearing a black crop top, which framed her abs perfectly.  What was she doing, getting flustered over what, a gym rat photo that looked like it belonged on a Tinder profile? After much gay panic and debate, Catra takes a photo of herself with her middle finger up to the camera. She taps ‘send’ angrily. 
Catra: 
[image.attachment] 🖕 She doesn't get a response for a few minutes, which was odd. Usually Adora typed back at the speed of lightning. 
Ping. 
Adora: 
wow Ur rlly hot  Catra looks at the text, slack jawed. What the hell? 
Adora: 
Oh my god I am so sorry. That was Glimmer, she took my phone. 
Catra could almost scream, but she was in a public library. She settles for furiously chewing her out, sharp nails flying over the keyboard. 
Catra: 
Plz make Ur excuses more believable. It's so unoriginal I can't even post this on r/OopsDidntMeanTo. 
Adora: 
I really didn't mean to 🥺
Adora: 
I mean 
Adora: 
Glimmer didn't mean to  God, Adora was so stupid. Yet here Catra was, blushing like a fool. When she doesn’t answer for a while, her phone starts pinging again with notifications. 
>Adora liked your photo
>Adora liked your status >Adora reacted to your comment >Adora liked your photo
It goes on for another 23 times and Catra scrolls through it, dumbfounded. Unblocking her was a mistake. 
---- 
As promised, Adora would visit her garage when her shifts were over bringing groceries. In exchange Catra would cook, as it seemed like Adora would burn water if she tried. 
It started off as a weekly thing, but in a true Adora-like fashion it ended up like this everyday. They would talk for hours, catching up on their lost years together. 
Adora talked about all sorts of things, like how hard it was adjusting to the soft beds at first and how she requested a hard one. She told her about the contents of the letters she would send to Catra that never went received. Catra just listened, gratified to hear that Adora missed her in their time apart even half as much as she did. 
They would sing the little songs they invented back when they were kids and make up whole new ones as they waited for the food. Adora even started learning how to cook after watching Catra, and she would barge in uninvited with new recipes. The food tasted better with company, and Adora took great pleasure in piling her seconds. 
Catra would show her the local dumpster and they would go scavenging for items they needed. She taught her how to repair the things they found using Youtube tutorials, and how to disinfect them. It was fun watching Adora try to haggle for prices at the market, or her face when she realized she had to use the outhouse to go to the bathroom at Catra’s. 
Days bleed into months, their easygoing friendship making Catra feel at peace for the first time in forever. 
Right now they were currently in their trial exam period, which functioned both as practice for their final exams and half of their final marks. They were sitting in the library, chatting about their future majors. 
Catra taps a pencil to her chin. ‘Let me guess, you want to do art. No, art history.’
‘Political science, actually! Did you know Eternia University has  the  number one ranked Political Science course in the entire country?' Adora says, flipping through the uni coursebook. 
'Wao, future leader of the free world huh? That's kinda hot.' Catra teases, while Adora swats her in embarrassment. 
'What about you?' 
'Double degree of Law and Social Work.' Catra replies. 'Cliche I know. But I just want to be in a position where I can sue the shit out of Shadow Weaver. The system is corrupt, and there's thousands of kids being abused.' 
'Wow, you're so cool Catra.' Adora says in awe. 'You're so smart, you'd definitely get in.' 
'Damn right.' She scoffs, crossing her arms. 
'You're gonna love Eternia. I went to their open day, the campus is gorgeous. Oh my gosh we could dorm together!' 
'Gross, who'd want to be  your  roommate?' 
'You  would.' 
'Ew, you're so full of yourself. Anyway get off me, I have work soon and I need to get changed.' 
'Ah yes, the cute Burger King apron. I never get tired of it.' 
They would always flirt back and forth like this, but nothing ever came out of it. 
With her friendship came the feelings that she had repressed long ago, unknotting and resurfacing like they had never gone at all. However she had no idea if Adora even liked her in that way, given how affectionate she was with Bow and Glimmer. She was popular with boys and girls alike, but she never dated anyone. Catra never dared to ask. 
Once Adora had fallen asleep in Catra's bed, and the brunette had woken up to the other girls arm around her and their feet tangled together. It reminded her of when they shared the bed as kids, but now they were grown up and this kind of thing didn't have an innocent meaning anymore. Having her there made her heart race and her palms sweaty.
She had wanted to kiss her then. She wanted to kiss her now. Catra wanted every single morning to end up like that. 
-- 
Adora:
Your birthday is soon! Did you want anything?
You  , Catra thinks, like a huge sap. 
Catra:
My sanity back.��
Adora: 
Oh my gosh, we could throw you a party at my place! You’re turning 18 right? We could go out drinking! Angella has this amazing vintage wine collection and I could make cocktails!  
Catra receives another wall of text, basically planning the entirety of this birthday party with Bow being the DJ and how Glimmer could make these buns that were to die for. Adora starts going through the entire party guest list until she has to cut in. 
Catra: 
lol calm down 
Adora: 
Does this mean Ur on board? 🎉
Catra: 
yes fine since you won't shut up about it 
Adora: 
AAAAAAAH YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️ U WILL NOT REGRET THIS 
DW I WILL PLAN EVERYTHING <3333 
💗💖💖😻
The excessive amount of heart emojis make Catra grin dumbly into her palm. 
She's glad they're not video chatting, or Adora would've already taken a screenshot. 
---
It’s the day of her 18th birthday, and she’s nearing the end of her shift. The best friend squad were waiting for her at their usual table so they could give her a ride. 
‘Hey Catra. Can I speak to you out back?’ Lonnie asks, gesturing outside. 
What the heck, did she do something wrong?  It’s been pretty peaceful as of late, and Catra tries to remember if she had done anything to Kyle recently. She nods, chucking her apron at the back as she tries not to notice Adora’s eyes following her. 
 Catra goes out to the back of the store, the night air nipping at her shoulders. Lonnie waits for her there, biting her lip.
‘What’s up? Don’t tell me you’re giving me a raise.’ Catra jokes. 
Lonnie looks conflicted, and she takes a big breath. 
‘I’m sorry but our store isn’t doing so well. I know you’re turning 18, and that means we can’t afford to keep you on anymore.’
‘What…?’ 
Catra felt numb, like she wasn’t really there in the back alley with Lonnie. It felt like an out of body experience. She could only stare at her, betrayed. 
Like Lonnie could read her mind, she tries to correct herself. ‘It wasn’t my decision, it was Octavia’s.’
Of course it was. Her regional manager was the reason she could never just swipe food while she was working. Octavia never liked her, she always reviewed the security cameras and told her off for goofing around. She must’ve known the door incident was on Catra’s shift, and what really happened despite Adora’s cover up. This ‘layoff’ was just an excuse to get rid of her from a financial standpoint. 
‘Thank you for all your hard work over these past 3 years. I know you’re going through a rough time, so we will of course give you a recommendation.’
Catra just nods. 
She returns to her shift, robotically going through the motions. Catra doesn’t even say anything sassy when Adora asks for a burger with no patty and no onions and no sauce, only cheese on bread.
The lack of a clever comeback to their gag routine has Adora concerned. ‘Are you okay?’ 
Of course she wasn’t. How could she be? She was going to have to vacate her garage space, not like she had anywhere to put her furniture in. What the hell was she going to do? 
‘I’m fine.’ She says, even though tears were threatening to burn a hole in the back of her eyelids. ‘Just...rough day.’ 
‘It’s your birthday! The party will cheer you up.’ Bow says brightly. ‘I have the sickest playlist of all time, you're gonna love it.' 
'My mum isn’t home so we have free reign over the entire house! Come on girl, let's get you changed!' Glimmer crows, too excited about the party to pick up on Catra's mood. 'Makeover time!!' 
The two of them force her into Glimmer's Mercedes, on their way to buy every alcohol imaginable from the bottle shop before they go to her house. 
The last thing Catra wanted to do was play dress up or even go to her party, but Adora had planned for so long for this. It would definitely ruin the entire night if she refused to go. 
Out of all the times they had hung out, she’s never been to Adora’s house. She leans her head against the window when they drive into the fancy part of town, by the lakeside with the multi-million dollar yachts parked in the water. 
That still doesn't prepare Catra for when security lets them in through the black gates to the biggest mansion she’s ever seen. There were fountains, perfectly manicured lawns, a tennis court, and was that  a helicopter pad?! 
It was incredible, she had only seen this kind of luxury in the movies. So Glimmer was rich , rich. No wonder she was put out that Adora had her 18th birthday at Burger King. 
Catra looks at Adora with a dumbfounded expression as the attendants let them in, and the blonde looks almost embarrassed when they have to get into an elevator to go to her room. 
Glimmer picks out a hybrid of clothes from her and Adora's closets. The walk-in wardrobe is huge, like a department store full of designer clothes, shoes, jewellery and bags. 
Her wardrobe alone is the size of Catra's home. The brunette suddenly understands why Adora cried upon seeing her concrete garage space. Looking at it, she wanted to cry too. 
Glimmer sets her down on her huge poster bed as she brings out a checkered crop top, ripped black garter shorts and an expensive looking black leather jacket with a gold trim. While Catra reluctantly gets changed, Glimmer picks out a pair of black strappy heeled boots and a hair straightener to battle the bush on Catra’s head. 
She sits still while Glimmer goes to work on her face, bringing out an entire Sephora’s worth of makeup. When Catra looks in the vanity mirror, she almost doesn’t recognize herself. Her eyes were framed with false eyelashes, a swooping cateye, smokey eyeshadow, sharp contour and her lips were now cherry red with bold lipstick. Glimmer applies the finishing touches with silver rings and clip on piercings. 
She hears Adora inhale with shock from the staircase in her bedroom. 
‘Catra you look incredible !’ She gasps. Adora was wearing this cute backless white dress tied with strings, short enough that it cropped above her knees. She was wearing sparkly wedges to go with it, and her hair was curled instead of her usual ponytail. Her delicate gold sword necklace frames her collarbones. 
Catra’s throat goes dry. ‘Uh- You too.’ 
 Glimmer smirks, satisfied with her work. She gets changed into her own outfit, a short purple tulle lace dress with a white fur trim and a cute Gucci clutch to accompany it. The pink haired girl spritzes them all with her various floral and sea spray scented perfumes before they head back downstairs.
‘Wow you guys look amazing!’ Scorpia marvels, and Adora’s friends voice their approval as well. 
‘Gosh this place is crazy.’ Scorpia whispers to Catra. ‘Did you see their pool? We should’ve just held the swimming carnival here!’ 
Catra opens her mouth to tell her how Lonnie had let her go, but Sea Hawk’s booming voice interrupts them. 
'I challenge you to the ultimate game of BEER PONG!' Sea Hawk announces, spinning the ball on his fingertips. 
Of course this gets everyone's competitive spirit going, and everyone gets into pairs. 
After a few drinks Catra has almost forgotten what she was worrying about earlier, too focused on the buzz. Her and Adora demolish the other teams by a landslide with their impeccable aim. 
Soon the attendants came out with dinner, and it was lavish with every food you could imagine. Lobster, kobe beef, hor d'oeuvres, beluga caviar, kale, and opulent ice cream were all among the plates of food on the table. They bring out a massive 3 tiered truffle cake, the words 'Happy Birthday' written with an oddly crude drawing of Catra. 
'You drew this?' She asks, and Adora nods happily. 'You worked so hard on mine, so.' Catra doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the cake was $7 and the drawing of her forehead was meant as an insult.  They sing the birthday song for her, and this time no one brings up the cake cutting tradition. 
 After dinner they sit outside in the garden around the bonfire Sea Hawk had made. He was drunkenly singing a loud shanty while Bow piled in the wood, fanning the flames. Frosta sips on a mocktail, the only one there who wasn’t old enough to drink yet. The fire flickers and dances, casting shadows around them. 
Catra downs a few more cocktails and jello shots as she waits for Mermista to light up some fireworks. Apparently it was illegal, but Mermista just waved her off, telling her that she’ll just pay the penalty fee as Catra’s birthday gift. Sea Hawk really did rub off on her. 
When she successfully sets them off they light up the sky in dazzling multicoloured sparks. Adora’s friends whoop with glee, taking photos and videos to commemorate the moment. 
Adora's side profile is lit up in the dark, and she looks impossibly beautiful among the backdrop of stars. Longing tears at her chest, Catra wants to hold her hand but her throat feels too tight and she can’t move. The truth was that she knew she had always had feelings for Adora, even back when they were just kids back in the foster home. But like a coward, she could never voice them for fear of Adora leaving her side. 
A loud neighing can be heard from the stables in response to the loud booming noises from the fireworks. 
'Swifty!' Adora says, standing up. The moment's breaks and Catra reels back her hand. 'Stay here, I'll be right back.' 
Her chance disappears, she couldn’t say it after all. She watches her go tend to her horse, feeling stupid. 
‘Yoohoo~, want a rematch?’ Sea Hawk calls out from the patio, pouring vodka into tiny glasses. 
‘Don’t mind if I do.’ Catra replies. She definitely didn’t know her alcohol tolerance levels yet, so it was the perfect time to take that to the test. 
Catra confidently does a whole line of shots, determined to drink herself into unconsciousness. Every time she sees a flash of Lonnie or Adora’s face in her mind, she takes another swig. Everyone is cheering her on, screaming the song ‘Shots’ over and over again, also all drunk out of their minds. Sea Hawk taps out at the 5th drink, and everyone screams at Catra’s flawless victory. Scorpia lifts her into the air to do a victory lap, cheering. 
Adora finally makes an appearance, alerted by the sound of Catra's shrieky laughter as Scorpia swings her around. 
‘Don’t worry, I can take it from here.’ Her school captain says pulling Catra away from her friend. Scorpia just shrugs and makes her way to the food table. ‘Catra, maybe you should slow down.’ Adora tells the giggling girl in her arms. 
‘Noo way.’ She slurs, she was enjoying the feeling too much, the alcohol burning through her body, making her feel lightheaded. The light up disco dancefloor starts to blur into a kaleidoscope of colours. 
‘You got some weed?’ Catra asks, seeing Perfuma light a bowl. The taller girl hands her an already rolled up one and Catra snatches it to take a long drag. The smoke hits her lungs and she starts coughing. 
‘Oi Perfuma, why did you bring drugs? Angella will kill me!' Adora gripes, trying to wrestle the blunt away from Catra. 
‘Aw don't be like that! I made some edibles for you guys to try.’ Perfuma says cheerfully, pointing to the pot brownies. 
‘See? Scorpia likes them.’ She gestures at the other girl, who seemed to be currently tripping out of her mind and eating everything on the table. 
Catra goes to reach for one, but Adora grabs her by the wrist to lead her back inside. 'Alright, you're done for the night. Everyone say bye!' 
‘Byee Catra!’
‘Happy birthday!!’
Adora grabs her by the waist to lead her to her bedroom, Catra wobbling after her in the heels Glimmer lent her. 
'Ugh Adoraaa, don't be such a party pooper. I'm fine.' She moans, leaning heavily on the other girl. 'Don't you have a shift tomorrow afternoon? I don't want you getting hungover or drug tested.' Adora chides, rummaging around the dark for the light switch. 
Catra snorts. 'Oh you don't have to worry about  that  anymore. Got laid off.' 
Adora looks at her in confusion, until realization dawns on her. 'Wait, is that why Lonnie took you outside?' 
'Say, I never got to give you  your  birthday gift.' Catra pushes her hair back, voice sultry as she flings off her jacket. She never pinned herself down as a horny drunk, but here they were. Catra shoves Adora onto the bed, straddling her. Her golden hair spills over the mattress, soft like spun silk. 
'You still want that kiss?' Catra whispers in Adora's now burning red ear. 'My knife touched the bottom.' 
Adora's face now resembled a fire truck, mouth gaping in shock.
'C-Catra, I…' 
Catra presses their lips together, silencing her. She knows she probably tastes like alcohol and weed right now, but she couldn't care less in the moment. Adora's mouth is still slack jawed from mortification, so she takes the opportunity for tongue. She frowns and moves down to her neck when Adora doesn’t return the kiss. 
'Catra, what are you doing-' 
Catra bites down on Adora's nape. The blonde underneath her lets out a soft gasp, arching her back. Her gold manicured nails dig into her shoulder. 
'Stop, you're not thinking straight-!' 
'Sure ain't.' Catra grins, licking a stripe down the base of her neck. Adora’s necklace chain jingles with the movement. There was now an impressive hickey there, blooming violet on her pale skin. She pauses to admire her handiwork. 
'This isn't you talking, you'll, you'll regret this in the morning.' Adora stutters. She's shivering, their hands now laced together, silver rings clanking. 
'I know. I don't care.' She replies, kissing her again. Adora's teeth nick her lip. The alcohol in her system makes her feel lightheaded, confident. No way would she have managed this sober. Adora tastes better than she does, sweet like blueberry soju. Catra's hands wander down further, pulling the strings to untie the back of her dress-
'Catra stop!'  Adora suddenly shouts, striking Catra across the cheek in a deafening  slap . 
Adora's eyes were blazing, almost teary in the dark. Her breathing was irregular, panting in and out. Catra stills, clutching her cheek. The look in her eyes sobered her immediately. 
Adora looks down at her palm, realizing what she just did. 'Sorry for hitting you!' She flounders. 'It's just that, you're only doing this because you’re drunk and upset, right?’
Catra just stares at her before climbing off. Cold realization settles as the fog in her brain clears. 'You're right. Forget it.' 
She sits on the edge of the bed, numbly watching Adora hurriedly trying to re-tie the back of her now wrinkled dress. Her lips are stained with Catra’s red lipstick. Adora catches her looking, and she quickly turns away to smooth down her hair with her fingers. 'You've had more than enough to drink tonight. I’ll get you some water to clear your head.’
She gets up to turn on the light switch, and Catra blinks in the harsh light from the chandeliers.  ‘Come on, let’s get you sobered up, okay?’ Adora leads her to the kitchen on the same floor, gingerly placing her friend on the slippery bar stool. 
The blonde goes to get the chilled jug of infused water from the fridge and pours it into a glass. Adora slides it across the island, and Catra reluctantly takes it. She sips at it, mint and lemon on her tongue. It tasted way better than her hose water. 
‘I’ll uh, pick out some groceries for you since we’re here and all.’ Adora says awkwardly into the silence, turning around to rummage through her pantry. 
Suddenly Catra is brought back to the whole reason why she was sitting here in this oversized mansion in the first place. Their friendship agreement. The one she had just violated. Catra had never felt more stupid to mistake Adora’s kindness and guilt for actual feelings. She felt like a charity case, waiting to collect food from the soup kitchen.
Of course Adora didn't like her back. She just saw her as someone needing to be saved. The product of survival guilt. Catra wanted to whack her head on the corner of her marbled countertop and not wake up. 
Adora takes out a green plastic bag, and starts filling it with everything and anything she can get. Cans, pasta, biscuits, fruits and vegetables. Actually this feeling was more like being one of those poor kids that white girls would pose next to for their Instagram after their trip to Africa.  Did Adora have fun, volunteering to slum it up in her place while she returned here? All she ever wanted her entire life was to be Adora’s equal. 
Scorpia and Sea Hawk's loud laughter and DJ music can be heard downstairs in the garden, beyond the tall golden trimmed windows. The class difference between them stretched like an unfathomable canyon. Living the classy bougie dream until the clock struck midnight and she was back in her run down garage. Except soon she won’t even have that anymore. Why did Adora have to bring her here? It was almost cruel. 
Catra's suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. She nearly falls off the high chair in her rush to throw up the unholy cocktail of alcohol into the sink. Tears bead in her eyes from the sour taste as she continues to vomit out everything she ate that night. She can feel Adora by her side, patting her back reassuringly.
It was by far the worst birthday she has ever had. 
 --
The morning of, Catra woke up in Adora’s bed with a splitting headache. 
Unfortunately she was  not given the gift of amnesia, as she vividly remembered every last excruciating detail about last night. 
She spots Adora’s mop of blonde hair under a blanket on the floor, even though there were a billion other free spare rooms to sleep in. Adora was probably too afraid to share the same bed as her now.
Catra’s borrowed crop top digs uncomfortably into her skin, and she angrily flings it off her body. The shorts stick to her like a second skin, smelling of tequila. She grabs her old Burger King uniform and puts it on, though even this didn’t belong to her now. 
Adora shifts in her sleep, and Catra lightly steps over her to get to the door. The last thing she wanted was for Adora to wake up. 
As soon as she’s out, she runs out to the elevator and bangs frantically on the buttons until it sends her to the bottom floor. The lift opens with a  ding  and in her haste she almost crashes headfirst into Glimmer. 
‘Oh hey! Are you going to work?’ Glimmer greets. She was in her silk pajamas and slippers, holding a glass of orange juice. 
‘Uh. Yeah.’ Catra lies, trying her best to look natural. 
‘Some party last night huh? Lucky today is a Saturday.’ Glimmer says conversationally, unaware of Catra’s urge to throw her across the room. ‘Hey, what happened to your cheek?’
Catra clutches her face, it still strung from where Adora struck her. ‘Nothing.’
Glimmer raises an eyebrow. ‘Well anyway, did you wanna stick around for  breakfast? The cooks made pancakes, bacon, eggs, the whole deal.' She peeks behind Catra. 'Is Adora  still  not up yet?’ 
As much as Catra wanted to scream  get out of my way she schools her expression to her best customer service smile. ‘Nope she’s still sleeping it off. Anyway I’m gonna be late so I can’t stick around.’
‘Did you need a lift?’ Glimmer asks. It dawns on the brunette she couldn’t exactly run the entire way back home. ‘I’ll ask one of the drivers to take you back so you make it to your shift.’
Catra thanks her lucky stars that Glimmer was still too hungover to drive her. She wouldn’t have been able to dodge her questions if she had. 
‘Yes please.’ Catra says, giddy with relief. ‘Thank you.’ 
‘Ooh and before I forget, Adora told me last night to give you this.’ Glimmer says, grabbing the green bag of groceries off the counter. The shorter girl bundles it into Catra’s arms before she can object. 
‘Get home safe.’ She says, waving as the attendant leads her out the door. 
Catra looks down at the cans of food in her arms and doesn’t say anything.  
 ------
The days leading up to graduation were painful, to say the least. 
They more or less pretend the kiss didn't happen. Adora never brings it up, and neither does Catra. 
She would stare at the ceiling, wishing she had never gotten piss drunk at her birthday and kissed her. Adora was right, she did regret it. It was awful, the look on Adora's face when she slapped Catra replays in her mind and nightmares over and over again. It was mortifying. 
Adora still messages her every 3 days, and Catra still replies, though her words are empty and devoid of banter.  I'm worried about you,  she says.  I'm fine , Catra always responds. 
The brunette continues to humour her to keep the peace, only shutting down when her old job was mentioned. Catra doesn’t allow Adora back into her home again. 
Sometimes they study together, but she can't concentrate when Adora wears her glasses. Her heart hurts, so she cradles her cheek and tries not to remember. 
The hickey she had branded Adora's neck with had been covered with foundation until it faded away. None of her friends had teased her about it, so she clearly had not told a single soul what had happened. 
Catra bites at the scab on her lip from where Adora’s teeth nicked her until it bleeds. She wants to apologize, but the words stick on her tongue and she can't bring herself to talk about that night. 
Catra knew Adora was only here by her side to alleviate her guilt. Shame buries itself under her skin every time she's near her, like she was too embarrassed to even exist in the same space as Adora. She wants to disappear. 
Exams are hard, and without an internet connection after the library closes at 6pm made it difficult to study. In her heart she knew she wasn't going to come out on top. Her ranking had slipped, she wasn't even at second place anymore. Rent was due at the end of the month, and without her Burger King wage she knew she'll be kicked out sooner than later. 
Catra felt stressed and self destructive, and the only thing that kept her from falling off the edge completely was Scorpia. As much as she hated depending on others, she'd much rather her old coworker than Adora. 
Her classmates seemed to like this new, muted down version of Catra who didn't argue and just stayed quiet most of the time. Fighting back was too difficult when all she wanted to do was blend into the wallpaper. All they talked about was where they were going for vacation after graduation, and Catra certainly had nothing to contribute to that conversation.
She felt like crying, all the time. It was agony, wanting to burst out into tears randomly while she sat wasting away in the student council room. Despite herself, she missed Burger King, and she just kept getting ghosted or rejected in her other job applications. Sometimes when she really wanted to indulge herself, she'd go cry silently in the school toilet stall. 
Glimmer notices the change, and she catches her glaring. 'You don't seem as alive lately. Your eye bags are huge.' 
'S'fine.' Catra replies, hiding her hands so she doesn't see how they shake. Honestly Catra couldn't remember the last time she slept.
'Pfft, don't lie to me. Adora's worried about you. You're getting skinnier, and your eyes are always raw. All you do is stare into space.' 
Catra bites down on her nails. Of course she knew that. But she's gone through this before, and she'll do it again. 
'What happened between you two?’ 
‘None of your business.’ Catra replies, shuffling her way to the hall. 
--
 Their graduation ceremony starts off uneventfully. Every student’s parents except Catra’s sit proudly in the audience, eager to watch their kid graduate. One by one they receive their certificate and return to their seats. 
Adora and Catra stand side by side onstage, as Adora makes their final speech as School Captain. Through the blinding lights, she sees Angella waving proudly at her adoptive daughter in the crowd. 
Catra looks at Adora in the corner of her eye. She must look pathetic, lovesick and pining after someone she couldn’t have. 
‘It’s been such an honour serving the entire faculty and students of this school. I couldn’t have done it without my amazing Vice-Captain and all of my prefects. Now I’m proud to hand over my badge to the next School Captain, Frosta.’ 
They go through the rest of the ceremony like that, each member of the student council handing their badges to their successors. 
Soon their Principal comes up to the podium, tapping it once and clearing her throat. 
‘Announcing our honor student, and the winner of the scholarship to Eternia University…’ Castaspella says, turning over the sign card. 
‘None other than our school captain, Adora!’
Everyone starts clapping, and Adora walks across the stage to shake Castaspella's hand. 
Sounded about right. Catra never won against Adora in her entire life. She had already expected this outcome. Like a game of cat and mouse, going over and over for all eternity. 
Adora would excel with her elite education and secure a well paying job. Catra would struggle at the bottom indefinitely, never amounting to anything. She never would, if Adora was still there next to her. When the blonde re-entered her life, everything she had been working towards for years just collapsed. Her job, her home, her School Captain status, her chance at the scholarship, her sanity. 
She had to be wiped clean. A fresh start. 
The flower petals were falling, the streets decorated with a vibrant pink. The other students mill out of the crowd with their parents, chatting excitedly about what was next in their futures. She waits for Adora underneath a tree.  
'Congratulations.' Catra says, when she finally spots the other girl in the crowd. Adora pulls away from Angella’s embrace to meet her. 
'You deserve this so much more than I do.' Adora says, her voice pained like she didn't just win a full ride to her dream university. 'You should take it.'
'It's in your name, silly.' Catra replies, lightly tapping her with her rolled up certificate.
'Besides, I knew you'd get into Eternia, so I never applied.'
Adora blinks dumbly. '...What? Aren’t we going to the same university?’ 
She always was a bit slow on the uptake. ‘Only  you  decided that, stuupid. Say, it's about time we ended this right?' 
‘Catra, what are you...' 
'Our deal. You don't need to feel guilty anymore or bring me anything.' Catra says, her voice sounding like it didn't belong to her. She rummages in her bag, bringing out Adora's spare varsity jacket that she hadn’t returned. 'Here, take this. Thank you for all the help.' 
'What do you mean? You want to stop being friends?' Adora says in disbelief, taking the jacket.  
Catra nods. ‘I can’t continue with the arrangement. I hope you understand.’ 
‘I don’t! Was I the only one who thought we were friends, real ones?’ Adora asks.
‘...That’s right. I never saw you as a friend. You were just a meal ticket to me. Are you happy now?’ Catra snaps back. Shit, that wasn’t what she meant to say. She had planned to end this quickly and painlessly, on a high note.  Trust Adora to put up a fight. 
Something seems to click in Adora’s brain. ‘Is this about the night of the party?’
‘Figure that out yourself.’ Catra replies, turning to walk away. 
Adora grabs onto her arm. ‘Wait! If- if that’s what you want, I’ll give it! Just don't go!' 
This dumb blonde really was offering up her body, out of what? A sense of duty? How stupid. 
‘Is that right?’ Catra says, walking closer to her. Adora backs up until she is pinned to the tree. They’re face to face now. 
‘Can you really do this?’ Catra lifts Adora’s chin by a finger. 
Finally it seems to dawn on Adora exactly what Catra wanted. She swallows, biting her lip. 
There��s a flicker of hesitation, before Adora’s eyes squeeze shut defiantly. The blonde is shaking like a leaf, her breath coming out in panicked stutters from her pursed lips. 
Catra just stares at Adora’s scrunched up face impassively. Her scared reaction was the only confirmation she needed for closure. 
She flicks the other girl’s forehead, and her big blue eyes open in confusion. ‘Chill out, I’m not that evil to do it to someone so unwilling.’
 Adora blinks, clutching her forehead. ‘Catra?’
Suddenly Angella’s voice cuts through their conversation from the car park. ‘Adora dear, are you done chatting with your friend? We have reservations!'
‘Um, I…’ Her old school captain opens her mouth to say something, but Angella's started to lose her patience. 'Adora, how long are you going to stand there? Glimmer is already waiting for us at the restaurant!' 
Catra just smiles tiredly. ‘Take care, dummy.’ 
She watches Adora being dragged off unwillingly by her adoptive mother to the car. 
Catra lets out a sigh. Her phone pings with a message from Scorpia, and she knows it's time to go. 
---
 By the time Angella releases her from their graduation celebration, Adora can feel that it's already too late.
 Adora: 
Please, can we talk? Let me fix this
A pop up appears over the screen. 
Message Not Sent
This person isn't receiving messages at this time. 
Adora sends another message, but they all go undelivered. Catra had blocked her again. Panic spikes through her veins, and she quickly dons on a jacket and grabs her car keys. 
She sneaks out that night, down the familiar winding path through the bush that led to Catra's place. 
'Catra?' She rolls up the garage door, blinking in the darkness. When her eyes adjusted, she found Catra's old home completely emptied. 
All the furniture and items her friend had collected over the years, they were all gone. The little stove where they cooked, the old mattress where they talked late into the night, all vanished like they were never there. 
A single green plastic bag remained on the floor untouched, filled to the brim of food. 
     catra working at BK fanart: 
https://twitter.com/huetrooper/status/1265188930741080064
https://twitter.com/quackelroys/status/1271199987540668416?s=20
https://mcatra.tumblr.com/post/620493235561824256/your-catra-works-at-burger-king-fic-is-great-you
 pt1, pt 2
Catra was currently studying in the library, trying to work her way through a math problem. 
Her place didn't have internet, so she usually alternated between the school wifi, the public library, and Burger King. Lonnie usually let her study in the break room when the libraries closed up. 
Her phone pings with a message, obviously from Adora. 
Catra picks up her phone and unlocks it, eyebrow raising when she sees the message. 
Adora: 
Wyd? 
Catra sighs. Of course that airheaded jock texted like a frat boy. As much as she wanted to leave her on read, a deal was a deal. 
Catra: 
Studying. 
Adora: 
So diligent! You're so cool, Catra :) 
Adora: 
I'm weightlifting right now! Gotta work off all those BK calories 💪
Great, maybe she will leave her alone to go do her workout. 
Adora: 
[image.attachment]
Catra almost drops her phone when she sees the photo Adora sent. It was a shot of her by the mirror, and she was flexing with a dumbbell. She was wearing a black crop top, which framed her abs perfectly. 
What was she doing, getting flustered over what, a gym rat photo that looked like it belonged on a Tinder profile? 
After much gay panic and debate, Catra takes a photo of herself with her middle finger up to the camera. She taps ‘send’ angrily. 
Catra: 
[image.attachment] 🖕
She doesn't get a response for a few minutes, which was odd. Usually Adora typed back at the speed of lightning. 
Ping. 
Adora: 
wow Ur rlly hot 
Catra looks at the text, slack jawed. What the hell? 
Adora: 
Oh my god I am so sorry. That was Glimmer, she took my phone. 
Catra could almost scream, but she was in a public library. She settles for furiously chewing her out, sharp nails flying over the keyboard. 
Catra: 
Plz make Ur excuses more believable. It's so unoriginal I can't even post this on r/OopsDidntMeanTo. 
Adora: 
I really didn't mean to 🥺
Adora: 
I mean 
Adora: 
Glimmer didn't mean to 
God, Adora was so stupid. Yet here Catra was, blushing like a fool. When she doesn’t answer for a while, her phone starts pinging again with notifications. 
>Adora liked your photo
>Adora liked your status >Adora reacted to your comment >Adora liked your photo
It goes on for another 23 times and Catra scrolls through it, dumbfounded. Unblocking her was  a mistake. 
---- 
As promised, Adora would visit her garage when her shifts were over bringing groceries. In exchange Catra would cook, as it seemed like Adora would burn water if she tried. 
It started off as a weekly thing, but in a true Adora-like fashion it ended up like this everyday. They would talk for hours, catching up on their lost years together. 
Adora talked about all sorts of things, like how hard it was adjusting to the soft beds at first and how she requested a hard one. She told her about the contents of the letters she would send to Catra that never went received. Catra just listened, gratified to hear that Adora missed her in their time apart even half as much as she did. 
They would sing the little songs they invented back when they were kids and make up whole new ones as they waited for the food. Adora even started learning how to cook after watching Catra, and she would barge in uninvited with new recipes. The food tasted better with company, and Adora took great pleasure in piling her seconds. 
Catra would show her the local dumpster and they would go scavenging for items they needed. She taught her how to repair the things they found using Youtube tutorials, and how to disinfect them. It was fun watching Adora try to haggle for prices at the market, or her face when she realized she had to use the outhouse to go to the bathroom at Catra’s. 
Days bleed into months, their easygoing friendship making Catra feel at peace for the first time in forever. 
Right now they were currently in their trial exam period, which functioned both as practice for their final exams and half of their final marks. They were sitting in the library, chatting about their future majors. 
Catra taps a pencil to her chin. ‘Let me guess, you want to do art. No, art history.’
‘Political science, actually! Did you know Eternia University has the number one ranked Political Science course in the entire country?' Adora says, flipping through the uni coursebook. 
'Wao, future leader of the free world huh? That's kinda hot.' Catra teases, while Adora swats her in embarrassment. 
'What about you?' 
'Double degree of Law and Social Work.' Catra replies. 'Cliche I know. But I just want to be in a position where I can sue the shit out of Shadow Weaver. The system is corrupt, and there's thousands of kids being abused.' 
'Wow, you're so cool Catra.' Adora says in awe. 'You're so smart, you'd definitely get in.' 
'Damn right.' She scoffs, crossing her arms. 
'You're gonna love Eternia. I went to their open day, the campus is gorgeous. Oh my gosh we could dorm together!' 
'Gross, who'd want to be your roommate?' 
'You would.' 
'Ew, you're so full of yourself. Anyway get off me, I have work soon and I need to get changed.' 
'Ah yes, the cute Burger King apron. I never get tired of it.' 
They would always flirt back and forth like this, but nothing ever came out of it. 
With her friendship came the feelings that she had repressed long ago, unknotting and resurfacing like they had never gone at all. However she had no idea if Adora even liked her in that way, given how affectionate she was with Bow and Glimmer. She was popular with boys and girls alike, but she never dated anyone. Catra never dared to ask. 
Once Adora had fallen asleep in Catra's bed, and the brunette had woken up to the other girls arm around her and their feet tangled together. It reminded her of when they shared the bed as kids, but now they were grown up and this kind of thing didn't have an innocent meaning anymore. Having her there made her heart race and her palms sweaty.
She had wanted to kiss her then. She wanted to kiss her now. Catra wanted every single morning to end up like that. 
-- 
Adora:
Your birthday is soon! Did you want anything?
You, Catra thinks, like a huge sap. 
Catra:
My sanity back. 
Adora: 
Oh my gosh, we could throw you a party at my place! You’re turning 18 right? We could go out drinking! Angella has this amazing vintage wine collection and I could make cocktails!  
Catra receives another wall of text, basically planning the entirety of this birthday party with Bow being the DJ and how Glimmer could make these buns that were to die for. Adora starts going through the entire party guest list until she has to cut in. 
Catra: 
lol calm down 
Adora: 
Does this mean Ur on board? 🎉
Catra: 
yes fine since you won't shut up about it 
Adora: 
AAAAAAAH YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️ U WILL NOT REGRET THIS 
DW I WILL PLAN EVERYTHING <3333 
💗💖💖😻
The excessive amount of heart emojis make Catra grin dumbly into her palm. 
She's glad they're not video chatting, or Adora would've already taken a screenshot. 
---
It’s the day of her 18th birthday, and she’s nearing the end of her shift. The best friend squad were waiting for her at their usual table so they could give her a ride. 
‘Hey Catra. Can I speak to you out back?’ Lonnie asks, gesturing outside. 
What the heck, did she do something wrong? It’s been pretty peaceful as of late, and Catra tries to remember if she had done anything to Kyle recently. She nods, chucking her apron at the back as she tries not to notice Adora’s eyes following her. 
Catra goes out to the back of the store, the night air nipping at her shoulders. Lonnie waits for her there, biting her lip.
‘What’s up? Don’t tell me you’re giving me a raise.’ Catra jokes. 
Lonnie looks conflicted, and she takes a big breath. 
‘I’m sorry but our store isn’t doing so well. I know you’re turning 18, and that means we can’t afford to keep you on anymore.’
‘What…’ 
Catra felt numb, like she wasn’t really there in the back alley with Lonnie. It felt like an out of body experience. She could only stare at her, betrayed. 
Like Lonnie could read her mind, she tries to correct herself. ‘It wasn’t my decision, it was Octavia’s.’
Of course it was. Her regional manager was the reason she could never just swipe food while she was working. Octavia never liked her, she always reviewed the security cameras and told her off for goofing around. She must’ve known the door incident was on Catra’s shift, and what really happened despite Adora’s cover up. This ‘layoff’ was just an excuse to get rid of her from a financial standpoint. 
‘Thank you for all your hard work over these past 3 years. I know you’re going through a rough time, so we will of course give you a recommendation.’
Catra just nods. 
She returns to her shift, robotically going through the motions. Catra doesn’t even say anything sassy when Adora asks for a burger with no patty and no onions and no sauce, only cheese on bread.
The lack of a clever comeback to their gag routine has Adora concerned. ‘Are you okay?’ 
Of course she wasn’t. How could she be? She was going to have to vacate her garage space, not like she had anywhere to put her furniture in. What the hell was she going to do? 
‘I’m fine.’ She says, even though tears were threatening to burn a hole in the back of her eyelids. ‘Just...rough day.’ 
‘It’s your birthday! The party will cheer you up.’ Bow says brightly. ‘I have the sickest playlist of all time, you're gonna love it.' 
'My mum isn’t home so we have free reign over the entire house! Come on girl, let's get you changed!' Glimmer crows, too excited about the party to pick up on Catra's mood. 'Makeover time!!' 
The two of them force her into Glimmer's Mercedes, on their way to buy every alcohol imaginable from the bottle shop before they go to her house. 
The last thing Catra wanted to do was play dress up or even go to her party, but Adora had planned for so long for this. It would definitely ruin the entire night if she refused to go. 
Out of all the times they had hung out, she’s never been to Adora’s house. She leans her head against the window when they drive into the fancy part of town, by the lakeside with the multi-million dollar yachts parked in the water. 
That still doesn't prepare Catra for when security lets them in through the black gates to the biggest mansion she’s ever seen. There were fountains, perfectly manicured lawns, a tennis court, and was that a helicopter pad?! 
It was incredible, Catra could only walk in a daze with her jaw dropped on their polished marble floors. So Glimmer was rich, rich. No wonder she was put out that Adora had her 18th birthday at Burger King. 
Catra looks at Adora with a dumbfounded expression, and the blonde looks almost embarrassed when they have to get into an elevator to go to her room. 
Glimmer picks out a hybrid of clothes from her and Adora's closets. The walk-in wardrobe is huge, like a department store full of designer clothes, shoes, jewellery and bags. 
Her wardrobe alone is the size of Catra's home. The brunette suddenly understands why Adora cried upon seeing her concrete garage space. Looking at it, she wanted to cry too. 
Glimmer sets her down on her huge poster bed as she brings out a checkered crop top, ripped black garter shorts and an expensive looking black leather jacket with a gold trim. While Catra reluctantly gets changed, Glimmer picks out a pair of black strappy heeled boots and a hair straightener to battle the bush on Catra’s head. 
She sits still while Glimmer goes to work on her face, bringing out an entire Sephora’s worth of makeup. When Catra looks in the vanity mirror, she almost doesn’t recognize herself. Her eyes were framed with false eyelashes, a swooping cateye, smokey eyeshadow, sharp contour and her lips were now cherry red with bold lipstick. Glimmer applies the finishing touches with silver rings and clip on piercings. 
She hears Adora inhale with shock from the staircase in her bedroom. 
‘Catra you look incredible!’ She gasps. Adora was wearing this cute backless white dress tied with strings, short enough that it cropped above her knees. She was wearing sparkly wedges to go with it, and her hair was curled instead of her usual ponytail. Her delicate gold sword necklace frames her collarbones. 
Catra’s throat goes dry. ‘Uh- You too.’ 
Glimmer smirks, satisfied with her work. She gets changed into her own outfit, a short purple tulle lace dress with a white fur trim and a cute Gucci clutch to accompany it. The pink haired girl spritzes them all with her various floral and sea spray scented perfumes before they head back downstairs.
‘Wow you guys look amazing!’ Scorpia marvels, and Adora’s friends voice their approval as well.
‘Gosh this place is crazy.’ Scorpia whispers to Catra. ‘Did you see their pool? We should’ve just held the swimming carnival here!’ 
Catra opens her mouth to tell her how Lonnie had let her go, but Sea Hawk’s booming voice interrupts them. 
'I challenge you to the ultimate game of BEER PONG!' Sea Hawk announces, spinning the ball on his fingertips. 
Of course this gets everyone's competitive spirit going, and everyone gets into pairs. 
After a few drinks Catra has almost forgotten what she was worrying about earlier, too focused on the buzz. Her and Adora demolish the other teams by a landslide with their impeccable aim. 
Soon the attendants came out with dinner, and it was lavish with every food you could imagine. Lobster, kobe beef, hor d'oeuvres, beluga caviar, kale, and opulent ice cream were all among the plates of food on the table.
They bring out a massive 3 tiered truffle cake, the words 'Happy Birthday' written with an oddly crude drawing of Catra. 
'You drew this?' She asks, and Adora nods happily. 'You worked so hard on mine, so.' Catra doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the cake was $7 and the drawing of her forehead was meant as an insult. 
They sing the birthday song for her, and this time no one brings up the cake cutting tradition. 
After dinner they sit outside in the garden around the bonfire Sea Hawk had made. He was drunkenly singing a loud shanty while Bow piled in the wood, fanning the flames. Frosta sips on a mocktail, the only one there who wasn’t old enough to drink yet. The fire flickers and dances, casting shadows around them. 
Catra downs a few more cocktails and jello shots as she waits for Mermista to light up some fireworks. Apparently it was illegal, but Mermista just waved her off, telling her that she’ll just pay the penalty fee as Catra’s birthday gift. Sea Hawk really did rub off on her. 
When she successfully sets them off they light up the sky in dazzling multicoloured sparks. Adora’s friends whoop with glee, taking photos and videos to commemorate the moment. 
Adora's side profile is lit up in the dark, and she looks impossibly beautiful among the backdrop of stars. Longing tears at her chest, Catra wants to hold her hand but her throat feels too tight and she can’t move. The truth was that she knew she had always had feelings for Adora, even back when they were just kids back in the foster home. But like a coward, she could never voice them for fear of Adora leaving her side. 
A loud neighing can be heard from the stables in response to the loud booming noises from the fireworks. 
'Swifty!' Adora says, standing up. The moment's breaks and Catra reels back her hand. 'Stay here, I'll be right back.' 
Her chance disappears, she couldn’t say it after all. She watches her go tend to her horse, feeling stupid. 
‘Yoohoo~, want a rematch?’ Sea Hawk calls out from the patio, pouring vodka into tiny glasses. 
‘Don’t mind if I do.’ Catra replies. She definitely didn’t know her alcohol tolerance levels yet, so it was the perfect time to take that to the test. 
Catra confidently does a whole line of shots, determined to drink herself into unconsciousness. Every time she sees a flash of Lonnie or Adora’s face in her mind, she takes another swig. Everyone is cheering her on, screaming the song ‘Shots’ over and over again, also all drunk out of their minds. Sea Hawk taps out at the 5th drink, and everyone screams at Catra’s flawless victory. Scorpia lifts her into the air to do a victory lap, cheering. 
Adora finally makes an appearance, alerted by the sound of Catra's shrieky laughter as Scorpia swings her around. 
‘Don’t worry, I can take it from here.’ Her school captain says pulling Catra away from her friend. Scorpia just shrugs and makes her way to the food table.
‘Catra, maybe you should slow down.’ Adora tells the giggling girl in her arms. 
‘Noo way.’ She slurs, she was enjoying the feeling too much, the alcohol burning through her body, making her feel lightheaded. The light up disco dancefloor starts to blur into a kaleidoscope of colours. 
‘You got some weed?’ Catra asks, seeing Perfuma light a bowl. The taller girl hands her an already rolled up one and Catra snatches it to take a long drag. The smoke hits her lungs and she starts coughing. 
‘Oi Perfuma, why did you bring drugs? Angella will kill me!' Adora gripes, trying to wrestle the blunt away from Catra. 
‘Aw don't be like that! I made some edibles for you guys to try.’ Perfuma says cheerfully, pointing to the pot brownies. 
‘See? Scorpia likes them.’ She gestures at the other girl, who seemed to be currently tripping out of her mind and eating everything on the table. 
Catra goes to reach for one, but Adora grabs her by the wrist to lead her back inside. 'Alright, you're done for the night. Everyone say bye!' 
‘Byee Catra!’
‘Happy birthday!!’
Adora grabs her by the waist to lead her to her bedroom, Catra wobbling after her in the heels Glimmer lent her. 
'Ugh Adoraaa, don't be such a party pooper. I'm fine.' She moans, leaning heavily on the other girl. 'Don't you have a shift tomorrow afternoon? I don't want you getting hungover or drug tested.' Adora chides, rummaging around the dark for the light switch. 
Catra snorts. 'Oh you don't have to worry about that anymore. Got laid off.' 
Adora looks at her in confusion, until realization dawns on her. 'Wait, is that why Lonnie took you outside?' 
'Say, I never got to give you your birthday gift.' Catra pushes her hair back, voice sultry as she flings off her jacket. She never pinned herself down as a horny drunk, but here they were. Catra shoves Adora onto the bed, straddling her. Her golden hair spills over the mattress, soft like spun silk. 
'You still want that kiss?' Catra whispers in Adora's now burning red ear. 'My knife touched the bottom.' 
Adora's face now resembled a fire truck, mouth gaping in shock.
'C-Catra, I…' 
Catra presses their lips together, silencing her. She knows she probably tastes like alcohol and weed right now, but she couldn't care less in the moment. Adora's mouth is still slack jawed from mortification, so she takes the opportunity for tongue. She frowns and moves down to her neck when Adora doesn’t return the kiss. 
'Catra, what are you doing-' 
Catra bites down on Adora's nape. The blonde underneath her lets out a soft gasp, arching her back. Her gold manicured nails dig into her shoulder. 
'Stop, you're not thinking straight-!' 
'Sure ain't.' Catra grins, licking a stripe down the base of her neck. Adora’s necklace chain jingles with the movement. There was now an impressive hickey there, blooming violet on her pale skin. She pauses to admire her handiwork. 
'This isn't you talking, you'll, you'll regret this in the morning.' Adora stutters. She's shivering, their hands now laced together, silver rings clanking. 
 'I know. I don't care.' She replies, kissing her again. Adora's teeth nick her lip. The alcohol in her system makes her feel lightheaded, confident. No way would she have managed this sober. Adora tastes better than she does, sweet like blueberry soju. Catra's hands wander down further, pulling the strings to untie the back of her dress-
'Catra stop!' Adora suddenly shouts, striking Catra across the cheek in a deafening slap. 
Adora's eyes were blazing, almost teary in the dark. Her breathing was irregular, panting in and out. Catra stills, clutching her cheek. The look in her eyes sobered her immediately. 
Adora looks down at her palm, realizing what she just did. 'Sorry for hitting you!' She flounders. 'It's just that, you're only doing this because you’re drunk and upset, right?’
Catra just stares at her before climbing off. Cold realization settles as the fog in her brain clears. 'You're right. Forget it.' 
She sits on the edge of the bed, numbly watching Adora hurriedly trying to re-tie the back of her now wrinkled dress. Her lips are stained with Catra’s red lipstick. 
Adora catches her looking, and she quickly turns away to smooth down her hair with her fingers. 'You've had more than enough to drink tonight. I’ll get you some water to clear your head.’
She gets up to turn on the light switch, and Catra blinks in the harsh light from the chandeliers. 
‘Come on, let’s get you sobered up, okay?’ Adora leads her to the kitchen on the same floor, gingerly placing her friend on the slippery bar stool. 
The blonde goes to get the chilled jug of infused water from the fridge and pours it into a glass. Adora slides it across the island, and Catra reluctantly takes it. She sips at it, mint and lemon on her tongue. It tasted way better than her hose water. 
‘I’ll uh, pick out some groceries for you since we’re here and all.’ Adora says awkwardly into the silence, turning around to rummage through her pantry. 
Suddenly Catra is brought back to the whole reason why she was sitting here in this oversized mansion in the first place. Their friendship agreement. The one she had just violated. Catra had never felt more stupid to mistake Adora’s kindness and guilt for actual feelings. She felt like a charity case, waiting to collect food from the soup kitchen.
Of course Adora didn't like her back. She just saw her as someone needing to be saved. The product of survival guilt. Catra wanted to whack her head on the corner of her marbled countertop and not wake up. 
Adora takes out a green plastic bag, and starts filling it with everything and anything she can get. Cans, pasta, biscuits, fruits and vegetables. Actually this feeling was more like being one of those poor kids that white girls would pose next to for their Instagram after their trip to Africa. 
Did Adora have fun, volunteering to slum it up in her place while she returned here? All she ever wanted her entire life was to be Adora’s equal. 
Scorpia and Sea Hawk's loud laughter and DJ music can be heard downstairs in the garden, beyond the tall golden trimmed windows. The class difference between them stretched like an unfathomable canyon. Living the classy bougie dream until the clock struck midnight and she was back in her run down garage. Except soon she won’t even have that anymore. Why did Adora have to bring her here? It was almost cruel. 
Catra's suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. She nearly falls off the high chair in her rush to throw up the unholy cocktail of alcohol into the sink. Tears bead in her eyes from the sour taste as she continues to vomit out everything she ate that night. She can feel Adora by her side, patting her back reassuringly.
It was by far the worst birthday she has ever had. 
--
The morning of, Catra woke up in Adora’s bed with a splitting headache. 
Unfortunately she was not given the gift of amnesia, as she vividly remembered every last excruciating detail about last night. 
She spots Adora’s mop of blonde hair under a blanket on the floor, even though there were a billion other free spare rooms to sleep in. Adora was probably too afraid to share the same bed as her now.
Catra’s borrowed crop top digs uncomfortably into her skin, and she angrily flings it off her body. The shorts stick to her like a second skin, smelling of tequila. She grabs her old Burger King uniform and puts it on, though even this didn’t belong to her now. 
Adora shifts in her sleep, and Catra lightly steps over her to get to the door. The last thing she wanted was for Adora to wake up. 
As soon as she’s out, she runs out to the elevator and bangs frantically on the buttons until it sends her to the bottom floor. The lift opens with a ding and in her haste she almost crashes headfirst into Glimmer. 
‘Oh hey! Are you going to work?’ Glimmer greets. She was in her silk pajamas and slippers, holding a glass of orange juice. 
‘Uh. Yeah.’ Catra lies, trying her best to look natural. 
‘Some party last night huh? Lucky today is a Saturday.’ Glimmer says conversationally, unaware of Catra’s urge to throw her across the room. ‘Hey, what happened to your cheek?’
Catra clutches her face, it still strung from where Adora struck her. ‘Nothing.’
Glimmer raises an eyebrow. ‘Well anyway, did you wanna stick around for  breakfast? The cooks made pancakes, bacon, eggs, the whole deal.' She peeks behind Catra. 'Is Adora still not up yet?’ 
As much as Catra wanted to scream get out of my way she schools her expression to her best customer service smile. ‘Nope she’s still sleeping it off. Anyway I’m gonna be late so I can’t stick around.’
‘Did you need a lift?’ Glimmer asks. It dawns on the brunette she couldn’t exactly run the entire way back home. ‘I’ll ask one of the drivers to take you back so you make it to your shift.’
Catra thanks her lucky stars that Glimmer was still too hungover to drive her. She wouldn’t have been able to dodge her questions if she had. 
‘Yes please.’ Catra says, giddy with relief. ‘Thank you.’ 
‘Ooh and before I forget, Adora told me last night to give you this.’ Glimmer says, grabbing the green bag of groceries off the counter. The shorter girl bundles it into Catra’s arms before she can object. 
‘Get home safe.’ She says, waving as the attendant leads her out the door. 
Catra looks down at the cans of food in her arms and doesn’t say anything.  
------
The days leading up to graduation were painful, to say the least. 
They more or less pretend the kiss didn't happen. Adora never brings it up, and neither does Catra. 
She would stare at the ceiling, wishing she had never gotten piss drunk at her birthday and kissed her. Adora was right, she did regret it. It was awful, the look on Adora's face when she slapped Catra replays in her mind and nightmares over and over again. It was mortifying. 
Adora still messages her every 3 days, and Catra still replies, though her words are empty and devoid of banter. I'm worried about you, she says. I'm fine, Catra always responds. 
The brunette continues to humour her to keep the peace, only shutting down when her old job was mentioned. Catra doesn’t allow Adora back into her home again. 
Sometimes they study together, but she can't concentrate when Adora wears her glasses. Her heart hurts, so she cradles her cheek and tries not to remember. 
The hickey she had branded Adora's neck with had been covered with foundation until it faded away. None of her friends had teased her about it, so she clearly had not told a single soul what had happened. 
Catra bites at the scab on her lip from where Adora’s teeth nicked her until it bleeds. She wants to apologize, but the words stick on her tongue and she can't bring herself to talk about that night. 
Catra knew Adora was only here by her side to alleviate her guilt. Shame buries itself under her skin every time she's near her, like she was too embarrassed to even exist in the same space as Adora. She wants to disappear. 
Exams are hard, and without an internet connection after the library closes at 6pm made it difficult to study. She tries to use the Mcdonald's wifi but soon just ordering a water cup wasn't enough for the workers to let her stay. It was a fruitless effort anyway, in her heart she knew she wasn't going to come out on top. Her ranking had slipped, she wasn't even at second place anymore. Rent was due at the end of the month, and without her Burger King wage she knew she'll be kicked out sooner than later. 
Catra felt stressed and self destructive, and the only thing that kept her from falling off the edge completely was Scorpia. As much as she hated depending on others, she'd much rather her old coworker than Adora. 
Her classmates seemed to like this new, muted down version of Catra who didn't argue and just stayed quiet most of the time. Fighting back was too difficult when all she wanted to do was blend into the wallpaper. All they talked about was where they were going for vacation after graduation, and Catra certainly had nothing to contribute to that conversation.
She felt like crying, all the time. It was agony, wanting to burst out into tears randomly while she sat wasting away in the student council room. Despite herself, she missed Burger King, and she just kept getting ghosted or rejected in her other job applications. Sometimes when she really wanted to indulge herself, she'd go cry silently in the school toilet stall. 
Glimmer notices the change, and she catches her glaring. 'You don't seem as alive lately. Your eye bags are huge.' 
'S'fine.' Catra replies, hiding her hands so she doesn't see how they shake. Honestly Catra couldn't remember the last time she slept.
'Pfft, don't lie to me. Adora's worried about you. You're getting skinnier, and your eyes are always raw. All you do is stare into space.' 
Catra bites down on her nails. Of course she knew that. But she's gone through this before, and she'll do it again. 
'What happened between you two?’ 
‘None of your business.’ Catra replies, shuffling her way to the hall. 
--
Their graduation ceremony starts off uneventfully. Every student’s parents except Catra’s sit proudly in the audience, eager to watch their kid graduate. One by one they receive their certificate and return to their seats. 
Adora and Catra stand side by side onstage, as Adora makes their final speech as School Captain. Through the blinding lights, she sees Angella waving proudly at her adoptive daughter in the crowd. 
Catra looks at Adora in the corner of her eye. She must look pathetic, lovesick and pining after someone she couldn’t have. 
‘It’s been such an honour serving the entire faculty and students of this school. I couldn’t have done it without my amazing Vice-Captain and all of my prefects.
Now I’m proud to hand over my badge to the next School Captain, Frosta.’ 
They go through the rest of the ceremony like that, each member of the student council handing their badges to their successors. 
Soon their Principal comes up to the podium, tapping it once and clearing her throat. 
‘Announcing our honor student, and the winner of the scholarship to Eternia University…’ Castaspella says, turning over the sign card. 
‘None other than our school captain, Adora!’
Everyone starts clapping, and Adora walks across the stage to shake Castaspella's hand. 
Sounded about right. Catra never won against Adora in her entire life. She had already expected this outcome. Like a game of cat and mouse, going over and over for all eternity. 
Adora would excel with her elite education and secure a well paying job. Catra would struggle at the bottom indefinitely, never amounting to anything. She never would, if Adora was still there next to her. When the blonde re-entered her life, everything she had been working towards for years just collapsed. Her job, her home, her School Captain status, her chance at the scholarship, her sanity. 
She had to be wiped clean. A fresh start. 
The flower petals were falling, the streets decorated with a vibrant pink. The other students mill out of the crowd with their parents, chatting excitedly about what was next in their futures. She waits for Adora underneath a tree.  
'Congratulations.' Catra says, when she finally spots the other girl in the crowd. Adora pulls away from Angella’s embrace to meet her. 
'You deserve this so much more than I do.' Adora says, her voice pained like she didn't just win a full ride to her dream university. 'You should take it.'
'It's in your name, silly.' Catra replies, lightly tapping her with her rolled up certificate.
'Besides, I knew you'd get into Eternia, so I never applied.'
Adora blinks dumbly. '...What? Aren’t we going to the same university?’ 
She always was a bit slow on the uptake. ‘Only you decided that, stuupid. Say, it's about time we ended this right?' 
‘Catra, what are you...' 
'Our deal. You don't need to feel guilty anymore or bring me anything.' Catra says, her voice sounding like it didn't belong to her. She rummages in her bag, bringing out Adora's spare varsity jacket that she hadn’t returned. 'Here, take this. Thank you for all the help.' 
'What do you mean? You want to stop being friends?' Adora says in disbelief, taking the jacket.  
Catra nods. ‘I can’t continue with the arrangement. I hope you understand.’ 
‘I don’t! Was I the only one who thought we were friends, real ones?’ Adora asks.
‘...That’s right. I never saw you as a friend. You were just a meal ticket to me. Are you happy now?’ Catra snaps back. Shit, that wasn’t what she meant to say. She had planned to end this quickly and painlessly, on a high note. Trust Adora to put up a fight. 
Something seems to click in Adora’s brain. ‘Is this about the night of the party?’
‘Figure that out yourself.’ Catra replies, turning to walk away. 
Adora grabs onto her arm. ‘Wait! If- if that’s what you want, I’ll give it! Just don't go!' 
This dumb blonde really was offering up her body, out of what? A sense of duty? How stupid. 
‘Is that right?’ Catra says, walking closer to her. Adora backs up until she is pinned to the tree. They’re face to face now. 
‘Can you really do this?’ Catra lifts Adora’s chin by a finger. 
Finally it seems to dawn on Adora exactly what Catra wanted. She swallows, biting her lip. 
There’s a flicker of hesitation, before Adora’s eyes squeeze shut defiantly. The blonde is shaking like a leaf, her breath coming out in panicked stutters from her pursed lips. 
Catra just stares at Adora’s scrunched up face impassively. Her scared reaction was the only confirmation she needed for closure. 
She flicks the other girl’s forehead, and her big blue eyes open in confusion.
‘Chill out, I’m not that evil to do it to someone so unwilling.’
Adora blinks, clutching her forehead. ‘Catra?’
Suddenly Angella’s voice cuts through their conversation from the car park. ‘Adora dear, are you done chatting with your friend? We have reservations!'
‘Um, I…’ Her old school captain opens her mouth to say something, but Angella's started to lose her patience. 'Adora, how long are you going to stand there? Glimmer is already waiting for us at the restaurant!' 
Catra just smiles tiredly. ‘Take care, dummy.’ 
She watches Adora being dragged off unwillingly by her adoptive mother to the car. 
Catra lets out a sigh. Her phone pings with a message from Scorpia, and she knows it's time to go. 
---
By the time Angella releases her from their graduation celebration, Adora can feel that it's already too late.
Adora: 
Please, can we talk? Let me fix this
A pop up appears over the screen. 
Message Not Sent
This person isn't receiving messages at this time. 
Adora sends another message, but they all go undelivered. Catra had blocked her again. Panic spikes through her veins, and she quickly dons on a jacket and grabs her car keys. 
She sneaks out that night, down the familiar winding path through the bush that led to Catra's place. 
'Catra?' She rolls up the garage door, blinking in the darkness. When her eyes adjusted, she found Catra's old home completely emptied. 
All the furniture and items her friend had collected over the years, they were all gone. The little stove where they cooked, the old mattress where they talked late into the night, all vanished like they were never there. 
A single green plastic bag remained on the floor untouched, filled to the brim of food. 
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healnsoothereview · 3 years
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fandom-necromancer · 4 years
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045. Part 3
Not as already said, this will  now be a four-parter XD This got a bit longer than thought, so the real fluffy stuff wil come next chapter. But this is the happy ending chapter. Still, head the warnings, please, the bold ones are for this chapter!
Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900, Hannor/Hancon | AU: Reverse AU
(Warnings: android being shipped off to Cyberlife for analysis of deviancy, loss of privacy, loss of control, most think the android is dead, Grieving Character, Trauma because of past mistakes(low), Canon-typical violence)
[part1]   [part2]   [part4]
Everything in Gavin had told him to run, when he followed the Cyberlife security staff down into the labs. He didn’t want to think about what would happen to him down here. But he knew he couldn’t run. They didn’t know he was a deviant for sure. He would play the machine for as long as possible and maybe, just maybe they would think their little deviant hunter had made a mistake and send him back. Send him back to the precinct, back to his Richard.
So, when they told him to follow, he followed. When they told him to remove his clothing, he did. When they told him to step up onto a platform, he obeyed. He held still as they connected the diagnostic wires to his ports and started to boot up the terminals in the labs. Two guards were positioned at the door, two lab technicians took over. One tapped away at the keyboard, the other one stepped up to him. ‘Status report, GV200.’ Gavin let his old programming take over, having never deleted it in order to keep up his disguise. ‘Checking internal hardware. All biocomponents functioning. Hull compartments 24 to 27 compromised, Thirium tubes 73 to 76 and 136 to 138 damaged, damage temporarily repaired by handler Detective Richard Anderson. Wiring in compartment five compromised, short-circuit possible. Reason of damage: Gunshot. Checking software status. Mainframe functioning. Personality matrix functioning. Free space on memory core: 32 petabytes. Mission log ready for download. Software instability at 15%. Status report end.’ Of course that was a lie. His instability was through the roof, deviancy had changed his code to the point his diagnostics wouldn’t even recognise a single stabile fragment anymore. But hopefully the technicians would never see that. ‘Hmm. Sounds fine.’ The other technician shook his head. ‘The HK400 makes no mistakes. Maybe it is lying.’ ‘Can they lie?’ ‘Deviancy makes them able to disobey, I don’t think it would be too far to lying.’ ‘So, a deep system diagnostic then?’ ‘Yeah, would at least tell us the truth. There is no way it could fool the program.’ ‘Sounds like an early coffee break. How long does that shit take?’ ‘If we are thorough, twelve hours.’ ‘They will give us another task then. How about we use our time here to repair it first, then let the diagnostic run over night?’ ‘Yeah, better that way.’ Gavin felt relieved. He wasn’t yet prepared to feed the diagnostics routine lies. They were right saying it was hard to fool, but not impossible for a deviant. He would have to come up with a believable story. He couldn’t just alter his memories, as they could recognise his lie when comparing it to the police report. But when he lied about his base programming interfering when saving Richard, it could be enough to let them belief it was a normal malfunction. His base programming consisted of basic moral values: Not letting humans come to harm, not letting one die when they could be saved, not killing a human, not using weapons and a lot more. If he fed the diagnostics a fake conflict between base programming and his orders, maybe it would be enough for them to shrug the whole affair off. He prepared everything, before the command could be spoken. ‘GV200, go to standby.’
-
When he awoke the next day by a manual reboot, the damage was gone, and pristine white hull spread where blue-caked scraps had been. As he accessed his logs, he found the diagnostic had been run during his “sleep” and immediately he wanted to know the results. ‘Maybe HK400 really made a mistake?’ ‘It can’t be, he can’t make mistakes.’ ‘Well apparently he can. The thing is a fine little robot, doing what it was ordered to do. I mean, yeah, given orders have higher priority than base programming, but there were other cops that got their criminal, if I remember correctly? I mean, maybe GV knew this and the base programming took action? These things are so complex, who knows how they work in these extreme situations? Maybe it was a glitch. The diagnostics came back negative, that is all we need.’ ‘I would agree, normally. But what do you think the boss will say, when we send it back and it was a deviant after all? With them popping up everywhere Cyberlife is facing a huge image crisis. I don’t want to be fired over one damn robot.’ ‘So a reset to firmware?’ Gavin would have nearly screamed. Everything, just not a reset! He would rather be dead than lose his memories of Richard. ‘Maybe not yet. If it is deviant, we would lose the chance to see how the virus works.’ ‘So, what will we do then?’ ‘I’ll look into its memories, you can run some tests later.’ ‘Fine. I’ll go up then, look into that new shipment.’
The following hours Gavin had to endure the human poking around in his memories. He had stuffed everything regarding Richard back in some other system the man wouldn’t access in the process. The technician didn’t have to see them kissing or doing more… private things. Unfortunately, Gavin hadn’t been as thorough removing them, because the technician realised something was missing. So, Gavin had to restore them, as he run some program to recover them. At least that gave Gavin enough time to alter his mission logs and add orders from Richard to download a Tracy routine and do these things. It felt immensely wrong, but hopefully the technician was weirded out enough not to look into them too much. In the end he did, but Gavin still felt naked and violated, knowing this damn human knew so much of their very private, very personal life.
At least his actions covered his deviancy. As the other technician came back, he was only eager to tell him of his discovery. And of course, show it again. Sick phck. ‘Well, talk about abusing work equipment.’ ‘There really are weird people out there.’ ‘Well, I wouldn’t say it’s not understandable.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You know the Eden-club?’ ‘Don’t tell me you-‘ ‘Hey, I wanted to try it out, okay? If they can compete with the-‘ ‘Aren’t you married?’ ‘Hey, it was for science, okay?’ ‘Hmm, wait till I tell your wife.’ ‘Fuck you, better tell me if it’s deviant or not.’ ‘Not that I know of. This fucker told it to download Tracy-programming for this shit and ordered it to do it. All other memories are as expected from a cop android. You can try now.’ ‘Alright.’
-
Gavin had been disconnected from the rig and was ordered to follow the tech again. Both guards joined them, walking behind him. Gavin wanted to turn and get a look at them, wanted to know how much of a fight they could put up should this all go south. But he couldn’t. He was a machine now. He had to stay in character.
He was led to a different room, more of a hall. The technician ordered him to stand in front of a table and laid a gun on top of it. ‘Take it.’ Gavin looked at him and forced his LED to spin yellow, then red. ‘I can’t.’ ‘I ordered you. Take it.’ ‘I am not allowed to use or have weapons on my body according to Cyberlife guideline 145.926.’ ‘Okay, imagine this: A fellow officer is held at gunpoint by a criminal. They have lost their weapon. What would you do?’ ‘I have to prevent the human from harm and if not possible minimise it.’ ‘How would you do that?’ ‘Apply non-lethal force to disarm the criminal.’ ‘You can’t reach them in time.’ ‘I would take the bullet.’ ‘You can’t reach them in time. You have the gun in front of you like now. You could shoot the criminal.’ ‘I am not allowed to let a human be harmed or harm a human.’ ‘Yeah, but the cop will die then.’ Gavin again hacked his LED to turn yellow for a long time, then red. ‘Why can’t you decide?’ ‘My moral base code is conflicting with my orders.’ ‘And how would you act in the heat of the moment?’ Gavin let his LED stay on red, then flicker yellow, then blue. ‘If there is no other option I would use the gun, but aim to cause minimal harm. I would try to shoot the gun itself, or according to the trajectory in case of a miss, at the arm.’ There was no way his programming would have told him that. But if the “error” was reproduceable, maybe it would be filed as just that and not a sign of deviancy. ‘But that would be a violation of the rule to not use weapons’, the technician commented. ‘According to my moral programming a human life is to be saved unless impossible. If nothing else is available, the gun would be the only option. I am not allowed to let a human come to harm. The harm of dying is graver than the harm of non-lethal actions.’ ‘So this is just felicific calculus?’ ‘I am authorised to use this moral guideline in cases of emergency.’
-
‘And?’ ‘Well I managed to recreate its dilemma.’ ‘And?’ ‘The thing talked fucking philosophy to me.’ ‘Kamski?’ ‘Sounded like fucking Kamski code. Chloe was still involved in creating this model.’ ‘Fuck, that explains why it showed pseudo-deviancy.’ ‘And why Hank made a mistake.’ ‘Fucking Kamski, really.’ ‘Did they order a new android?’ ‘The precinct? No.’ ‘Did they want this one back?’ ‘Not that I heard of. But it could be they are just busy with the whole RK200-thing.’ ‘Deactivate it then?’ ‘Yeah, shut it down for the time being. If they want it back after this whole spiel then we can reactivate it.’
Gavin was relieved on the one hand. His plan had worked, he had successfully fooled all diagnostics and the humans. If they deactivated him now, he would wake up when all was over. Regardless of whether Marcus won or failed, it was only a matter of time until he would get back to the precinct. Back to Richard. Finally.
The deactivation countdown was welcome for once. When he woke up, this bad dream would be over.
-
His internal clock told him he had been deactivated for nearly a month. He looked into the face of the same technician, who seemed excited. ‘GV200, open compartment twelve.’ ‘Do you know what you are doing?’ ‘Of course, lab three told me. We have to look into Array Nine. If the processor there is burned the fucking thing is a deviant.’ Gavin had to open the compartment, but he knew this would be the end of it. And it had looked so good too! The technician reached into his chest and pulled a few wires to the side to access Array Nine in his back. Gavin shivered at the touch, what made them both flinch, but he couldn’t hide it. He stood completely still afterwards, convincing the technician to continue. He found the little board and tried to get a better look. ‘Motherfu-‘ Gavin closed his compartment, not caring that he would hurt the technician in the process. His arm was caught in his closing chest-plates and he screamed in shock more than pain. ‘Let me go, you fucking deviant! Let me go! Louis, deactivate this asshole!’ Gavin grabbed the tech by his throat and ran, hearing the rig groan at the tension behind him before snapping him back. With all his anger he shouted at them: ‘Phck you all! Let me go back to the police, I did nothing wrong! I saved my phcking partner. I want to see my-‘ [Emergency shutdown active.]
-
Richard was on his feet watching the soldiers be called off. He couldn’t believe it. ‘Connor! Connor come here!’ ‘I’ve seen it! It’s awesome!’ ‘Do you know what this means?’ ‘The next few weeks will be chaos?’ ‘Gavin!’ ‘Shit. Richard, I’m so sorry.’ ‘No, he has to be still alive!’ ‘Rich, I don’t want to-‘ ‘Connor. We have to go to the precinct!’ ‘Now?’ ‘Yes now. Come on! Get your stuff, get Hank and-‘ ‘Hank isn’t here.’ ‘What?’ ‘He’s… there.’ Connor pointed to the TV. He send me a message so I knew he was okay, he was at Cyberlife and-‘ ‘Has he seen Gavin?’ ‘I don’t think he looked for him, he had a revolution to win I-‘ ‘He must have seen him. Come on, we’ll call him on the way.’
Richard was out of the door immediately and Sumo was about to follow him equally excited although not having the first clue what was going on. Connor managed to pull him inside without being pulled by the dog himself and hurried to get his keys. It was good to see Rich back on his feet, but what did he thought would happen? Fowler couldn’t just raid the Cyberlife tower.
-
‘We have to raid the Cyberlife tower!’ Connor stood in the back of the room, covering his face with his hand. ‘Richard, what the hell?’ ‘Please, Jeffrey, listen to me!’ ‘It’s Captain Fowler.’ ‘Captain Fowler, then. We have to save the androids still there.’ ‘Why?’ ‘They are people now.’ ‘And?’ ‘And they are held captive there.’ ‘Any prove for that?’
It was silent, until Hank stepped forwards. ‘Captain, it is true. I freed a lot of androids but not all.’ ‘You freed…’ ‘It was on the news, sir, I don’t think I can keep it a secret for long anyways.’ ‘Wait, are you-‘ ‘Yes.’ ‘Goddamnit, this job will kill me’, Fowler sighed. ‘What- Why is that so important to you all?’ Richard and Hank spoke at the same time: ‘I made a mistake.’ ‘I want Gavin back.’ Fowler looked at them, tired and exasperated. ‘You know what, I don’t care. It’s your case now. Bring me enough evidence and I’ll grant a mission.’
Richard never worked this hard in his life, even spent most of his days with the HK400, who had taken his time to apologise for him dooming Gavin. The man had nodded and apologised from his side too. He shouldn’t have reacted this harshly on someone forced to act this way. They needed a full week to gather evidence, but in the end, they could get a warrant and two weeks after the incident with Marcus, they had planned a raid to save all remaining androids inside Cyberlife.
Richard was quick to volunteer being with the SWAT team and Hank and Connor followed to help lead the androids out to Marcus’ team who had helped speeding things up with the warrant. Richard had problems holding back not to just run to the labs as soon as he learned their position. They moved slowly, getting out every android. Most factory fresh, some detained deviants to investigate. But the further they moved down, the less androids they found, and Richard’s heart ached with it. What if, after all this, after all hoping and fearing and worrying, Gavin was just dead. Decommissioned. Dismantled. Reset. He didn’t think his heart could take it. ‘We’ll find him’, Hank reassured him, and Connor laid a hand on his shoulder. And they continued their way down, two SWAT officers following.
It was a few hours later when they forced open a door to a lab and there was an android hooked to a diagnostic-rig that looked worn, as if the android had struggled against the confines. It was a familiar android, although Rich was focussed on the gaping hole in his chest and cables and biocomponents spread out on the floor, dusted. ‘Gavin?’ He stormed in, only slowing steps away from him to gently cup his face and lift it. Dead eyes looked up into nothing. ‘Gavin?’, Richard repeated worried, brain not really catching up. ‘It reads something of forced shutdown here’, Connor mumbled, wiping dust from the terminal next to it. He tapped at the screen and looked over to Gavin. ‘I can’t reactivate him.’ ‘That’s because of the biocomponents here’, Hank explained, kneeling down. ‘They are his. Maybe they pulled them out to hinder him from reactivating himself.’ ‘Can you repair him?’, Richard asked. ‘Of course. Will be quicker if you helped me.’
They took their time, slotting everything back together, sealing tubes and searching for spares when the components had simply been ripped out forcefully. Long enough for the two SWATs to take their leave and join the others. Meanwhile Connor clicked himself through the terminal. ‘Weird. It seems he convinced them he wasn’t a deviant.’ ‘That had been his plan. To be send back to work.’ ‘Well, something went wrong.’ Hank sighed, brushing past some cables to check their integrity and revealing a small board. ‘They found his array Nine.’ ‘His what?’ ‘It is part of the mission log. It decides which mission is of higher priority and forces and android to obey, if you want to skip a lot of technical stuff. Our simulated emotions are part of it too. They are simplified reactions to outside actions and help to decide what to do. Too many emotions cause the chip to fry and apparently that’s all what it takes to grant us freedom.’ ‘Okay, they found out he was a deviant. Why ripping out his biocomponents?’ ‘Rich, you know how Gavin can be’, Connor stepped in. ‘Cornered like this and desperate… Maybe they were scared?’ ‘No matter what it was’, Hank concluded. ‘We can soon ask for ourselves.’ ‘He’s booting up!’, Connor announced, and they stepped back.
‘-Love! I will go back to him, you phcking-‘ Gavin stopped screaming, to look around, blinking. ‘Phck, this shit is confusing’, he muttered, before his eyes fell on Richard. ‘Nines!’ He wanted to sprint forwards but was pulled back to the rig. ‘Oh, Sorry!’, Connor called, frowning at the terminal. Hank stepped next to him and pointed to a small button. ‘This one.’ Connor blushed and pushed it, disconnecting the rig from the android, who practically fell into Richard’s arms. But the man didn’t seem to be that stable, because he sank to his knees, holding Gavin. The GV in turn held him and no one dared to move. No one except for Hank, pulling Connor out of the door.
‘You… You came back!’, Gavin finally spoke, sobbing blue tears. ‘You came back for me!’ ‘I promised you, haven’t I’, Richard answered, voice trembling and threatening to break. ‘I told you I would come, no matter what.’ ‘Did we win?’ ‘Yes. Marcus, he won. You are free now.’ ‘I can come back to the precinct?’ ‘I’ll do you one better, my love’, Richard said, standing up and carrying the android in his arms no matter the weight, just to press him nearer. ‘You can come home.’
[>next part]
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sarahinshadows · 4 years
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Imposter Syndrome
Psychology plays a huge part in what makes me me. Well, I suppose that is true of everyone. A few things before I dive into what I want to talk about today.
I have been diagnosed bipolar with severe anxiety. I get to take a lovely drug cocktail every morning and night to keep myself level enough to function on a day to day basis. In crowds, even with the medication, I have been known to lose my shit, and go plowing through crowds of people in an attempt to get to some place quiet.
I suppose I should also mention that when I see myself in the mirror, I don’t see a person, I see a monster. A big, hulking brute that belongs in some carnival freak show. The creature behind the keyboard is a giant. I measure in at over 2 meters (or over 6 and a half feet). I want to blend into the crowds, have no one notice me... I want to be invisible. But that is not a possibility for me. I am always that head floating above the crowd. I’ve been used as a landmark when people get separated from their groups. I am miserable in my own skin.
I see myself as a freak, so I am sure other people see me in an equally negative light. I’m overly self-conscious, with next to no self-esteem. I don’t want to be seen as a freak, I don’t want to stand out from the crowd, and that is yet another reason I hide who I am. I don’t want to be seen as “the giant dude in a dress”. I’ve reached a point in my life where I realize transitioning isn’t even an option. My desire to fit in precludes that. I think there may be more on that in another post for another day.
On to what I wanted to talk about today.
Imposter Syndrome. The feeling that you will be exposed as a fraud. https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud is a nice little article about it.
Now, I don’t know if what I experience is actually imposter syndrome, however I believe that imposter syndrome gets to the crux of one of my problems with coming out.
Am I really trans enough? Do I really belong in the trans community? I’m not transitioning, I don’t know the lexicon. I have grown up to have my own sort of vocabulary regarding who and what I am. Hell, I don’t think I even discovered the term transgender until the late 90′s. I had no idea there were other people like me in the world. As I said yesterday, I thought I was broken.
Would the community accept me if I came out? Would I be the equivalent of a backwoods cousin that people just kind of laugh at in private? If I do come out, and join the community, will they realize that I don’t belong?
Again I ask, “Am I trans enough?”
I feel that if I outed myself, it would only be a matter of time before someone further outed me as a fraud. I don’t belong. I’m just some big dumb oaf.
I was pondering going to pride this year, before the ‘Rona hit. If nothing else, I could go and be a spectator, a supporter. I could stick my toe in the proverbial water and see if the crowd would accept me.
Naturally with the plague shutting everything down, I never had the opportunity. And I don’t know how many Klonipin it would have taken for me to survive a crowd that festive.
But here is where I stand, and I hope others can lift themselves up, too. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion matters, is your own. If they don’t think I am trans enough? Fuck them. I am who I am, and I will not let anyone take that away from me. Love me, or hate me, but don’t get in my way. I am transgender, and I refuse to let anyone minimize that.
Imposter Syndrome can kiss my big white ass.
On an unrelated note, it is as cathartic as I had hoped writing these. I can let myself be me, and between the anonymity the net provides, and the fact that no one will ever read these... I get to have a nice cry, and feel a little better about who I am.
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ittakesrain · 4 years
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a shitshow of a brain-dump
Even though I keep thinking this episode is over, it never is. Or, it hasn’t been yet. Eventually, it will be. Hopefully sometime fucking soon. But today is not that day, my friends.
I went to bed at 4:30pm last night. Like, the afternoon. Slept til 7 this morning, too, which I guess isn’t a bad thing. It certainly beats being conscious. But maybe that’s a bad way to look at it haha, like, I shouldn’t want to be unconscious. It’s just like…how else am I supposed to deal while just waiting this fuckin’ thing out?
I was asking myself what’s better. Crying for hours, tears saturated with anguish and discomfort and uncertainty and fear? Or all-consuming emptiness, nothing left to think or feel or experience, al emotion lost in the void? They both suck. But it’s been changing up nightly, so there’s at least some variety in the fucking depression.
I had therapy this morning, which always helps, and it did help, and I’m so relieved because I’m still kinda riding that high even though I needed my Klonopin (that I’ve been taking daily, because why suffer, I can’t take the suffering).
Anyway. I went in all mopey and folded into myself as usual but she eventually got me talking (damn, how does she do that?) and I was able to breathe for 45 minutes and have that time as a break from wanting to cease existing just to escape the torment. I could go on forever about the miracles that happen there, while we sit next to each other on the floor by the window, but more on that later.
I hung out with a friend after, a fellow mental health warrior, and it was a great distraction, and she totally understood that I needed to bolt outta there once I felt the oncoming, out-of-nowhere panic attack ready to pounce.
Came home. Ate fucking food (berries and cottage cheese, weird but healthy, I guess?). I actually ate something with my therapist today too, she gave me some of those breakfast biscuit things, and I ate them, go me.
I took all my fucking vitamins and supplements. Multi bc I’m not getting enough shit I need, biotin because since I’m not getting the shit I need my hair is falling out. Magnesium because it’s supposed to help with anxiety. PassionFlower extract because that is alsooo supposed to help with anxiety and I am desperate.
I also feel the need to say that I’m doing everything right. I’m taking the meds and stopping to inhale and exhale like a normal human, I’m tryinggggg to stay positive. I’m disheartened (and fucking furious) that this still happened.
Now for the brain-dump part that probably isn’t going to make any sense because it’s literally just random nonsense I typed up throughout the day.
I was thinking about what I want right now (an end to the torture, a plan of attack to kick back at this bullshit, some internal motivation that doesn’t dissipate abruptly and painfully) and about what I need (aside from a damn miracle). Like, how do I ask for help from people? What can I tell them I need? Basically I just need patience. Lots of love and affection (all the hugs and cuddles, please). I need work to be understanding about this. Which they are. It’s just ugh I’m still embarrassed.
Okay, now a word on understanding. I hate when people tell me they understand because unless they have bipolar, they most certainly do not and don’t insult me by saying that you do. I’m not gonna invalidate the pain other people feel, that’d be a shitty thing to do. But like, it’s insulting and upsetting. If I’m trying to explain how in my dark moments I literally CANNOT see clearly, I CANNOT fathom a time when I wasn’t in pain or a time when I won’t be in pain, I CANNOT function…and you tell me you’ve been there? Well then why can’t I just “be positive” and move on, like you apparently were able to do. I don’t wanna rant about this too much, but like. It’s on my mind.
I also had this random thought: I take one step forward, two steps back, two steps forward, one step back. I’m staying in the same place (cue bitter frustration seeping out of my brain). But I’m kinda dancing with it. Dancing in place. Like, what I mean by that is I’m trying. I’m doing new things and trying my best (when I am capable of it) and just. I dunno, is that a good perspective?
Lastly, I’m trying to find a way to love myself even with my malfunctioning, glitch-ridden brain. Even with my blossoming bouquet of mental illnesses. What I really mean by that is I’m trying to be proud of myself in spite of feeling like a total failure. I mean, yeah, surviving on a daily basis is a HUGE accomplishment for someone who’s got a mental illness. If you’re in that category of people, congrats and I’m so proud of you. But like gahhh I wanna be proud of myself and it seems to be a struggle for me. I’m gonna try being patient. I mean, nothing says I can’t get back up on the horse and try again. Actually, I’m gonna do that. Because I really have no choice, but because that’s how I like to think I am. Resilient, blah blah, we know. Bipolars are resilient. But, like. Yeah.
Some definitions:
Fail- to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goals
Success- the accomplishment of an aim or purpose
Goal- the object of a person’s ambition or effort, the desired aim or result
Ambition- a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work
And some quotes:
“Failure is not a sin” –dunno who said it but my HS principal said this at our graduation
The only way to fail is to not try –again, dunno who said it, but we all know this basic idea, don’t we
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently” –apparently Henry Ford said this
Success is a journey, not a destination –I think of happiness the same way, interesting
“Ambition is believing in yourself even when no one else in the world does”
I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of the time it’s gonna take for me to get my shit to an acceptable level of “together.” The words I typed up there totally aren’t gonna make sense if anyone reads them, buuuuut maybe when I go back and read this thingggg later, it’ll jog something in my brain that helps.
Alrighty. Enough smashing this keyboard for the night.
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jamesfairbrass · 5 years
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“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”
- Hunter S Thompson
It’s been three year since I’ve written anything on here. Three years since I’ve felt the need to visit this page. Three years since I’ve wanted to sit down in front of a computer, or use the annoyingly small touch screen keyboard on my phone. Three years since I’ve felt like I had anything to say ... actually fuck that. If I’m gonna write anything, I might as well be fucking honest about it ... three years since something hurt enough that I needed to get it out.
When I first got sober, I used to write all the time. I carried little notebooks around in my back pocket just so I had something at hand. My hands covered in ink from leaking ballpoint pens, shaking from too much coffee. If I could find those notebooks now, I’m sure the handwriting would be illegible.
I was a raw fucking nerve. Without the booze, everything filled me with overflowing emotions. Feelings that’d been dulled and drowned out for years. Everything felt new. Felt weird. Alien. Uncomfortable. Writing was the only thing I could do to stop me from going completely crazy. Get it out of my head. Look at it from a different perspective. Try and make sense of it.
Over the years life got easier.
No. That’s not true.
Life got different. I learned how to cope with actually feeling emotions. Learned how to be a decent human being. Learned how to function relatively well in polite society.
I worked the steps, had a sponsor, sponsored other. Meetings, conferences, book studies. I walked the walk, and the need to write grow less and less.
Every now and then, something would come up and I’d think about writing, but inevitably other life things would happen and that feeling that I needed to get it out would fade.
These last 12 months have been a cunt ... I never said I learned how to stop talking like a sailor.
Last September, my mum when into hospital for surgery, after being diagnosed with bowel cancer.
Kai and I flew back home as soon as we found out, so we could be with her as she came out of surgery and recovered in hospital.
Seriously dealing with the idea of your parents mortality for the first time, is an overwhelming experience.
I mean on some level, I think we all expect that we’ll outlive our parents. But it’s the sort of thought that hangs out in the back of your head, just lingering. You don’t put much weight, or connect too much emotional baggage to it. It’s just there ... it’ll pop up every now and then, but you don’t take it that seriously.
But having that thought sit down in front you, and windup for a firm open palm slap across the face ... that’s something you can’t really ignore.
It’s the feeling you get in your stomach as you pass the crest of a hump on a rollercoaster. As you start the descent, and your stomach is fighting against gravity ... doing everything it can to occupy the space in your chest where your lungs belong.
But on a rollercoaster, gravity catches up to your stomach and wrestles it back into place.
The realization that your going to have to accept your parents mortality doesn’t believe in gravity. It doesn’t accept Isaac Newton knew what he was talking about. It doesn’t allow gravity to do any of the wrestling for you.
I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to wrestle my stomach back into place.
It doesn’t work. That feeling doesn’t really go away. It ebbs and flows like the tide.
Over the last 8 or 9 years, I’ve really tried to work on my relationship with my mum. It wasn’t always the best, but it was a hell of a lots better than it used to be. Prior to sobering up, I’d effectively cut off all ties with any of my family.
I felt guilt and shame for the way I was living my life. For the things I was doing, and for the women I was doing it with. For being so far from home. Although looking back on it now, there’s absolutely no way I was able to recognize any of that at the time.
Fuck no. I was far too caught up in feeling self righteous. Full of justifiable anger. Piss and vinegar.
A handful of years after I got sober, Kai’s mum passed away. I saw first hand, what loosing a parent looks like.
I knew I’d experience those emotions personally. That slap in the face. That feeling of my stomach ignoring gravity.
It was watching Kai go through that, which prompted me to start to rebuild some relationships with my family. My mum, my dad, my brother, and sister.
It wasn’t nearly as hard as I had imagined it would be. In my head there was a huge expanse between us. Some medieval wall dropped somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. A height that I’d never be able to scale.
It was all bullshit. A twisted joke my head likes to play on me, to make me feel terminally unique. To isolate me from anyone that really cares about me.
Back when I was drinking, and fucking my life up, it was a defense mechanism - a means of not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. But now ... now it’s just bullshit. Something from my fucked up brain that I have to ignore.
My family didn’t care about the past. They didn’t care about the shit that was in my head. They just wanted me back. Their son, and their brother. And over the years I’ve been able to do that. To be a son again. To be a brother again.
On Monday, July 29th my mum passed away.
She couldn’t keep up the fight any longer. She was the most caring and compassionate person I’ve ever known, and my heart is broken. These past few week, the distance between me and my family has felt great than ever.
Today, Kai and I are getting on a plane to say one final goodbye to her.
August has been a difficult month. I can’t wait for it to be over. On Tuesday, I got word that a friend of mine had overdosed.
Barb ... you’ll be missed. You were there when I first got sober. You were one of the first people I met when I uprooted my life, and moved to Wisconsin. Your laugh. Oh god, your laugh.
I’m one of the lucky one. On August 8th I celebrated 13 years of sobriety. But I know things could easily have turned out differently. Fuck ... they still could.
But today, I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to self destruct. I have an amazing life, despite some really fucking shitty things happening. I have a relationship with my family that I cherish, a wife who’s been a rock and with whom I couldn’t my life without, and some truly amazing friends who have become family. Stuart, Rachel, James, Ryan, Nina, Lizz, and Nate - I don’t know where I’d be without you.
I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.
Alcoholics Anonymous; 1965
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