#like maeve x penelope

[mrs-weasley-reid]

Regrets Sting

Spencer Reid x bau!reader | part 1

part 2

Summary: You have always been there for Spencer. Turns out, he's never going to be there for you.

Warning: Angst.

A/N: one of my many drafts... enjoy 👀?

— ✿ — ✿— ✿ ✿ ✿

You love Dr. Spencer Reid.

As a colleague, a friend, and, well, a respected man.

Granted, you spent most of your days with a small herd of profilers, but you were great at hiding your feelings for him, if you do say so yourself.

You watched him smile awkwardly with love from one woman to the other. Then, there was Maeve. He was in love with her. You didn't need your profiling skills to lead to that conclusion.

It broke your heart when you heard Spencer's plea. It broke your heart when he couldn't even function properly. And your heart broke for him as you watched him fall on his knees, crying over Maeve.

So you chose friendship. You always have, after all.

You became his anchor. His support. His best friend.

You were there for him. You were there when he was ready to open up. You lent him your shoulder. You became his personal napkin, soaking up all his tears in the hopes that it would lessen the pain, even just a little bit. You kept him company, dragging him out of his apartment to bring him anywhere besides the gloom in his empty home.

And without him, or you, knowing, you gave him your heart. You were in love with Dr. Spencer Reid.

It made you feel guilty, but it was inevitable. Who would've known you could fall deeper than you already were? Not even you, apparently.

And yet, you remained the person he could cry on for two years. You pawned him a shoulder for a long, drawn-out two years. Shoving your feelings in the back of your mind as if it wasn't anything important to you.

The deeper you fell for him, the faster the team caught up with your feelings.

JJ figured it out first when she saw the ends of your hair as you walked in Spencer's apartment the first year of Maeve's death. Spencer had been unresponsive to everyone, but not to you. You managed to get him to open his door just by the sound of your footsteps. She knew, then, that he was in good hands.

Emily and Derek noticed how you felt at the same time. You were all on a case, and an officer who awfully looked a lot like Maeve emerged. You were protective of Spencer and knew exactly what his reaction would be. So you had everything he needed and offered to work with him before Hotch could even mention it. Of course, along with that was Penelope getting a confirmation about your feelings for Spencer.

Rossi always knew. He always saw the way you would giggle silently to yourself whenever Spencer sassed his statistics into them. One time, he saw you clean Spencer's desk before everyone arrived. And he suspected that you did so a while back before he caught you.

Hotch? He noticed, but he said nothing unless you verbally told him. He thought you weren't ready to openly admit your feelings to the team yet, so who was he to mention it?

And so it goes...

Emily would grin whenever Spencer gave you coffee every morning. Derek would wiggle his eyebrows whenever he caught your gaze on Spencer, then gossip about it with Penelope, which led to her teasing you 'til sundown. Rossi, at times, tried to ease your feelings when they surfaced. Your solid companion whenever you felt down. And Hotch was ever a menace, stern face or not. He would partner you and Spencer up, specifically on the days when your feelings for the genius were oddly stronger.

So, you could only imagine the heartbreak when Spencer arrived one morning with the wrong order of your coffee and a wide smile as he told you that he was going out on a date.

You immediately showed your protest. Of course, Spencer wasn't happy about it. What was worse was he didn't know why. And worse than that was you couldn't tell him why.

Or so you thought.

"I don't understand why you're making a big deal out of this," Spencer followed you as you walked around the bullpen.

"You just met this woman, Spence. I think it's safe to say, I'm worried. You don't even know whether this person is safe." You lied. You had to. He didn't need to know you didn't want him to go on a date because it would break you.

Spencer crossed his arms, knitting his eyebrows as he felt offended by your words. "I'm a profiler and have 187 IQ. I can take care of myself." He stated, earning a couple of stares from the other agents.

You mirrored his actions, "Really?" You challenged, nodding in his direction, specifically to his tie. "You can't even tie the same tie you've been wearing for years properly. Looks like you haven't done laundry too, because, as far as I can remember, you've been wearing that same vest for the past three days. Are you going to wear that on your date?" You raised a brow.

Emily's eyes blew wide, pursing her lips to eat her laughter in. She looked away in hopes that the urge to burst into fits of laughter would subside. Unfortunately, Derek was doing the same thing, and they both snorted at the same time.

"Obviously, I'm not going to wear this on the date. This is clearly not about how homeless I look like. Just be honest with me and tell me why you're so against me being happy." Spencer's voice climbed an octave higher. He was frustrated and confused, and you both knew how much he hated both.

You closed your eyes and sighed deeply. You really had no other choice, do you? You turned around to face Spencer, "I'm in love with you." You confessed, hoarding the entire bullpen's attention.

Spencer chuckled, shaking his head, "Right, nice joke."

"I'm not joking." It offended you a bit. How much he compared your confession to a silly joke.

Spencer's face darkened. He uncrossed his arms and dipped his hands inside his pockets. His next words broke your heart, "I'm very disappointed in you."

Your eyes widened. Your mouth fell open as you heard your heart break into pieces, so loud you couldn't get a sense of what more he was saying.

"I came to you for two years to mend. You became my best friend because I thought I could trust you. And now, you're in love with me? Did you help me just so you could gain my affection?"

It stung. The silence that fogged the bullpen was deafening. Emily wanted to claw Spencer's eyes, but JJ was fast to hold her back.

Derek began to move beside you, "Reid, don't—"

Your manic laugh cut him off.

Spencer's eyebrows narrowed, "What?" His voice was far from the gentle one you were used to.

"You know what, Reid?" You scoffed, running your tongue on your lower lip to control your anger. "You're right. I was there for you. I was there to lend you a shoulder to cry on. I was there to keep you company. I made you smile. I even made you laugh! And sure, you're very disappointed in me because, god forbid, I fell for the genius prodigy. With the 187 IQ you're boasting, imagine my disappointment when you can't even figure out that I have feelings for you."

The bullpen fell silently dead as you stared at Spencer with such hatred it made his stomach climb on his throat. He has never seen you so... disgusted.

You couldn't take it. You couldn't look at him in the eyes anymore. You felt like you were going to throw up the longer you stood in the center of it all.

His words insulted you. And it hurt like a bitch.

There were many possibilities on how Spencer could've responded to your feelings, but this was beyond your limit.

You bit your lower lip, hesitant yet eager to spill the next words that came out of your mouth. "For the record, I regret falling in love with you." And with that, you left.

An offer from another unit had been sitting in your inbox. And despite having no plan to leave such a beautiful family of colleagues, you filled out the transfer form. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew that you needed an out sooner or later. And Spencer's insensitive reaction was just the right motivation you needed.

The Monday after your outburst became the BAU team's worst nightmare.

Spencer immediately noticed your absence. He knew. Of course, he did. You were always the first person to greet him as you spun around in your seat. It was rare for you to be late.

You haven't contacted him for days, either. And he didn't have the guts to do it first. He has been drowning in guilt and couldn't figure out how he'd make it up to you. He realized how unfair he was to you, albeit too late.

Everyone arrived one by one, and there was still no sign of you until Hotch cleared his throat, "Let's start."

Penelope stumbled, hesitating at the sight of your empty seat. "What about..." She softly muttered and yet loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Agent..." Hotch sighed as he spoke your name. He still remembered how you went back to his office while everyone was out for their lunch break and submitted your transfer request. "She officially transferred to unit 4, violent criminal apprehension program... today," Hotch announced, much to his dismay.

Derek's eyebrows knitted, glancing outside the window of the conference room to your desk. "Are you kidding? Her stuff is still here."

Hotch took a deep breath, glancing at Spencer for a moment. "She said they were unnecessary items." He cleared his throat and gestured for Penelope to continue what she was doing.

Regrets stung Spencer like a thousand bees.

Most of the things that clattered on your desk were things that you both shared. His pens that you never gave back. Post-it notes he left for you that had no importance, but you kept them up on the wall of your cubicle. A photo booth picture of the two of you from one of Rossi's Christmas parties. The small bookshelf on top of your desk overflowing with Spencer's annotated books.

"But she didn't even tell us. She didn't say goodbye." Penelope exclaimed. Her eyes matched the frown on her lips. She couldn't help but talk about you. After all, they were your family for many years.

"Could you blame her though?" Emily scoffed, giving Spencer a glare.

Spencer messed up. Big time. And he has no idea how he would make it up to you.

#spencer x reader #spencer reid imagine #ssa spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminalminds #spencer reid angst

[januaryembrs]

BLACK CAT GIRLFRIEND | Spencer Reid x reader

request: Hey Congratulations on the 2K! Do you think you could write something with Spencer Reid and a Reader who has lots of tattoos and/or piercings? Like she's the whole "bad girl" stereotype but Spencer and her complement each other so well and have a very sweet and mature relationship. I would love something like that.

description: the team meet Spencer's new girlfriend and she doesn't look quite like they'd imagined

word count: 1.1k

main masterlist

authors note: I officially hit 2k followers this morning!! see my post here for requesting but lets start this milestone off with a bang!! thankyou so much :))))))

Morgan had to admit, you weren’t exactly what he’d envisioned when Pretty Boy had been talking his ear off for months about the girl in his apartment building that had slipped him your number. He wasn’t judgemental, not by a longshot, but Spencer had always seemed like the type to date the preppy, library geek, or even the cutesy geneticist if Maeve had been anything to go off of. 

It’s not like you weren’t hot, he could see that you were a mile away, but you looked like you’d sooner break someone’s wrist for so much as talking to you than fall for their resident genius. 

You smiled tightly, shaking Derek’s hand with a crushing grip, as Spencer introduced you to his team, the obnoxiously loud bass almost drowning out his words as the six of you stood in the bar. 

“Nice to meet you, Spencer talks about you all the time,” You said politely, and no sooner had you let go of the man’s warm hand, two arms were thrown over your shoulders and you were tugged into a hug. 

“I’m Penelope- oh you’re so pretty, Morgan isn’t she so pretty? You should marry Spencer then you can be boyfriend girlfriend for, like, life-” The perky voice was all a jumble as the blonde pulled away, cupping your face, rubbing down your arms kindly, sweetly, like you were swallowing a warm spoon of honey. 

“Penelope, newbie rules, remember,” Emily chimed in, seeing your eyes widen at the sudden intrusion of personal space. She could see this ending with the pretty pink bows Garcia had plaited her hair in torn to shreds on the sticky floor, right next to her long barbie locks if your intimidating figure was anything to go off, “Not everyone likes hugs,”

“No, no,” You replied, smiling gently at the woman who was softer than cotton candy, “Hugs are nice,” 

“We’re going to be very best friends, I can feel it, which is funny because my tarot actually said I’d meet a strong Taurus woman- or are you a Scorpio-” Penny’s smile was dazzling, but she was soon ushered to let go of the bear like grip she had on your shoulders by a chuckling Morgan.

“Let the other kids play with her, babygirl,” He said, and you were pulled in another direction towards Emily who gave a polite handshake. 

“Nice ink,” She said with raised brows as she saw the intricate sketches that covered the back of your hands, trailing up your arm and under the band tee you wore. She knew who they were, though they only dragged up memories of her own days of thick eyeliner and rebelling against her mother. “They must have hurt like a bitch, I got one on my hip and could barely sit for one hour,” 

You snickered, nodding, seeing her eyes trailing over the ones on your ankles and knees where your ripped jeans flashed them all. 

“Bones hurt the most, though the one on my ass is up there for the worst ones,” You replied, and Penny’s brows shot into her hairline, though she giggled like a schoolgirl being told a secret.

“I think we’re gonna need to see the proof on that one,” Morgan teased flirtily, the way he always did, the way he did even with JJ who had a whole child and partner, because it was his natural state of being. 

Spencer smiled as his team warmed to you, though he was quick to pull you to him with a gentle arm around the waist. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Derek, that man was practically his brother, he’d taken bullets for the guy, but he liked having you close, even if to just remind himself that you were all his, including said tattoo on your buttcheek that he’d seen plenty of times. 

The team didn’t need to know that, but you could tell your words had reminded him of it as he pressed a shy kiss behind your ear.

He was careful to avoid the studs and links that glittered from your ear lobe, wrapping over the cartilage on your helix, though he loved to stare at them on nights where you tied your hair up and he could count every one of them. To him you were a work of art, complex and detailed with every glance he stole. You were an illustration in one of his many books, everything he imagined for himself times a million. 

“I’m going to go get a drink, do you want one?” You said, looking up at him with puppy eyes, like a lovestruck teenager, fat adoration in your gaze. It oozed out of every inch of you, and JJ thought for a moment that you looked nothing like the scary doberman woman that Spence had originally brought over to meet them. You looked in love, the saccharine, soft and dazed kind of in love. 

“Let me get it for you,” Spencer rooted around his pocket for his wallet, turning to see Morgan’s beer bottle running low, “You having another one?”

“I’m good, my man, you just sort yourself and your lady out,” Derek flashed him a thousand watt smile and clapped him on the shoulder as you entwined your fingers with his, pulling him through the cluster of people and towards the bar, “What a stud,” 

Penelope giggled again, leaning towards her adonis best friend with honeyglow cheeks, watching their genius get led like a dog on a leash. 

“Oh lover boy had got it bad,” She drawled, watching Reid, their Reid, develop an uncharacteristically protective stance as a few men at the bar shot looks up and down your body. She couldn’t blame them either, you were a sight for sore eyes. “Okay, so do I have to be the first one to point out how hot she is or have I maybe had one too many margaritas?” 

“She seems nice,” JJ chose her words carefully, still not entirely sure she would have ever put the two of you together but she saw the way Spence’s eyes got round and longing when he looked over you. He’d clearly said something to make you laugh, and an inked hand raised up to brush his chocolate curls out of his face lovingly, “She seems good for him,”

A murmur of agreement ran through the four of them, Emily taking one more sip of her martini as her eyes roved over your figure returning with something fruity and colourful, “Anyone else dying to know what’s on her ass?” 

-

#Spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fic

[strawbeerossi]

August - Prologue

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Chapter Description: You look back on the way that you bonded with Spencer over the course of the time you've known him. After one night spent between you both, you tell the girls that you want to ask Spencer to Rossi's wedding. Too bad JJ had other plans.

Content/Warnings: Spoilers for 14x15, unrequited love, alcohol consumption, mentions of sex, JJ is a horrible friend (I’m so sorry), general heartbreak.

WC: 2.4K

Navigation || August Masterlist || Main Masterlist || Request

🏷️ @sadroses98

Spencer’s love life was a trainwreck. Everyone knew that after the Maeve debacle, dating wasn’t something that he was concerned with. He saw the horrible things that could happen to significant others of the BAU members. Haley dying, Jack being targeted, and Savannah being shot were things he’d seen first hand and he wasn’t eager to have a loved one go through any of it. He’d never forgive himself.

JJ was always special, in his eyes. Even whenever they were both young on the field together, he always pined after her. She was beautiful, funny, and she didn’t always look so bothered to talk to him. Of course, their failed attempt at a date to the Redskins game was just an indication that he should admire from afar. Besides, he’d like to have her in his life regardless. 

He maintained a healthy friendship with JJ over all fourteen years that he worked with the BAU, the woman being by his side even whenever he didn’t deserve it. It was something he wouldn’t trade for the world. He appreciated her, loving her so much that his heart swelled every time she came near him. He buried all those feelings deep in his heart, keeping quiet on the subject. It wasn’t the healthiest way to handle unspoken feelings but it was the easiest. Work would be awkward, plus she didn’t seem romantically interested. Best not to push.

Whenever you joined the BAU, you were blissfully unaware of Spencer’s feelings toward JJ, instead meeting a version of him that was so dedicated to bottling up those feelings. He was a bit standoffish with you at first, which you didn’t take personally. You’d heard of the endless trauma he’d been through and you felt like you had to work overtime to gain his trust.The problem was, you did damn near everything and it was like it wasn’t working.

You learned how he liked his coffee and brought him a cup every morning, you asked for facts about zany topics, you even mentioned Doctor Who in an effort to reach out to him. It was like he didn’t even want to look in your direction.

You managed to chip away at him over the next few months, getting him to laugh in certain circumstances or even having him greet you in the mornings. It was something that you had to work for but it was all worth it in the end whenever he’d gotten fully comfortable with you. He learned that he enjoyed talking to you, having you around.

The both of you had grown quite close to the point where every Friday that you weren’t on a case was spent having a movie night. He’d even taught you how to sew a scarf after too much trial and error. All the time you spent together was causing you to fall deeper in love with the lovable genius with each interaction. Every silly complaint about a show not being true to science, his rambles on topics that interested him, even when you two would get into arguments. 

It was no surprise that you’d fallen so fast. You wore your heart on your sleeve, yearning for a deep connection that nobody else could take away. Spencer was your person, you could feel it. There were daydreams of having a nice home with a big backyard for your kids, Spencer teaching them magic tricks or helping them excel in their academics. 

It was a Saturday night after a successful case that the team went out drinking together to celebrate. You may have let Penelope and Emily influence you into drinking your body weight in whatever liquor was put in front of you. Spencer hardly drank, however he allowed himself to have a few drinks, his tolerance being so low that he could feel a buzz after just one. 

You were too far gone to remember the events of the night but you did know that you and Spencer left together. The night was spent with drunken sex and whatever else you two got up to within the span of seven hours. You both woke up the next morning and it was still okay. There was no sneaking out when someone was sleeping, no forcing them out. You two actually spent a good portion of the morning together. The only issue? You got more attached. It was like you associated the sex with mutual feelings, the dream of actually finding someone to settle with. 

You’d gotten so caught up with the fantasy that you just had to tell the girls at work during one of your morning gossip sessions.

“I don’t know, I just feel like this could be the start of something great. I really do like him, he means the world to me. I just wish that I could say it.” You admitted, leaning against Penelope’s desk while sipping from your coffee mug. 

“Well, I say just go for it! Our genius needs to settle down.” Penelope encouraged, her eyes widening with excitement. “You two can have babies! I don’t think we could ever have enough BAU babies.” She gushed. 

JJ was laughing softly from her spot in the room at her friend’s excitement. “I mean, the worst he could really do is say no. No harm in trying to ask, right?” The blonde let her shoulders bounce. In a way, she could feel a pang of jealousy in her chest. You and Spencer? That didn’t seem right at all.

“He won’t say no! I am convinced he loves you! I mean, you always brighten his day.” Penelope was piling on encouragement, pushing you to take the bull by the horns and just get yourself out there, to put your feelings first.”Plus, you can invite him to Rossi’s wedding!”

It was safe to say that it was working. You felt a wave of confidence rush over you, taking it with stride. JJ had a point, Spencer wouldn’t be rude about turning you down. The pain would still be there in the event he did but at least he wouldn’t be cruel, right? 

“I’m gonna go talk to him about it. It’s a paperwork day, so it’ll be quiet.” Plus, she could just delve into files that needed to be filed away if he did let her down gently. It was the perfect plan!

You were planning on talking to him later in the afternoon, just enough time to give yourself a pep talk. However, Emily and Penelope killed that idea with a snap of a finger as a case had come up. It came with the territory of your job – make plans and have them destroyed by some loser who decided to massacre multiple people for the fun of it.

***

The case had taken a turn for the worse whenever JJ and Spencer were hot on the unsub’s trail, being locked inside a bank with no way to contact the outside world. The only thing anyone had was shitty footage from the security camera inside with no audio to accompany it. All you could do was assume what was happening as you stared at the screen, Emily beside you as she was talking to Penelope about getting anything if they could.

Their body language said it all though, the way that JJ seemed tense and the way Spencer had a look of… Relief? You didn’t know what was happening in the slightest but it was like you could feel your stomach churn, your heart slowly cracking. 

You didn’t want to assume it was anything too crazy, you didn’t need to worry. You were being silly. Once there were shots inside, everyone was rushing to the back door of the building to get inside. You were frozen in place, eyes focused on the room now filled with agents and cops. 

The sound of everyone talking was muffled, your mind somewhere else as you were slowly turning to the screen before approaching the two agents when they were coming out of the building. “Are you two okay?!” She asked quickly, a shaky edge to her voice as she was bringing a hand to her face. “This job stresses me out,” 

There was lighthearted, yet awkward laughter as you were eventually heading back to the SUVs. 

There was a tension hanging in the air any time that Spencer and JJ were together, the two barely sharing glances as the rest of the team were rejoicing and ending the case and preventing losing innocent people as well as potentially losing two of their best agents.

There was something wrong but you weren’t going to say anything.

Clearly something personal happened in the moment they were forced to play along with whatever the unsub wanted from them. You were curious but you didn’t want to bring it up, maybe out of fear of hearing something that you don't wanna hear. 

You didn’t ask Spencer to be your date to Dave’s wedding, instead going on your own.

The whole environment there made you sad. You were thrilled for Dave and Krystall but it was an atmosphere oozing with love while you were alone, the man you wanted to ask being weird and not speaking to you the way he usually did. There was a lot you wondered about. 

Did you do something wrong? Was he angry at you? More questions echoed in your mind, feeling defeated on how such a good relationship has fizzled out to nothing. 

You were brought out of your thoughts whenever Penelope was passing out whatever concoction of drink she came up with. “Here you go, sour puss.” The blonde spoke while placing the mixed drink in front of you at the bar, you offering a small smile in response. 

“It’s a good day, don’t be sad in the corner all night.” Luke added soon after while you were waving it off. He didn’t know the extent of why you felt the way you did. He just knew that you had been in a funk for days, not being your usual self.

“I’m not sad. I’m just.. I’m not really in the mood.” It was honest, however you knew that you had to show up for Dave, he was family. You would’ve done the same for anyone else in the team for whatever event. 

In the midst of your denial, your gaze had fallen on Spencer and JJ, the two talking together at a table farther from the rest of you. It could’ve been some deep, poorly concealed anger that had you putting the cup down and walking over to the two who seemed to be having a great time together. You were falling apart and it was like he wasn’t even paying attention. It stung. 

“Spencer! JJ!” You announced your presence with a smile, your hands clasping together. “I didn’t get to come talk to you guys earlier. I wanted to say hi.” You began. “Also, why are you two isolated from the team?! Come on!” 

What felt like a knife to your chest was the way Spencer looked at you with a lack of interest, almost as if your presence was bothersome. “Oh, we were just talking. We are fine, we will catch up later.” The male answered, hoping the answer was good enough to be left alone again.

That was the moment you broke.

“What the hell have I done to you? You’ve been dodging my calls and texts for days and you barely talk to me anymore. What is your deal?” In an attempt to not ruin the beautiful ceremony, you were keeping a calm demeanor. Even if you could feel the cracks in the facade. 

“What? Nothing! You’re acting like a child. I’m just having a conversation.” Spencer frowned, his attention finally on you for the first time in days. “You act like we talk every minute of the day.”

“Because we normally do! Come on, Spencer. Just talk to me.” You were begging for a minute of his time, an explanation. For days you’d questioned every interaction and every word said. You thought your relationship was stronger than that.

“I am talking to you. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say.” 

JJ looked visibly uncomfortable with the whole interaction, so that’s whenever you were turning your attention to her. “And you, I’ve been trying to talk to you for days and you don’t give me the time of day. What is happening? Do you both have a problem with me?”

“Look-” 

“No! She has a point, Spencer. I’ll be honest with her.” JJ finally found her voice, although the nervousness was gone now, instead just taking the situation for what it is. “I’m sorry,” The words made your knees weak. 

You knew what was coming. 

“The other day, the key to us getting out of there and preventing any injuries, I played truth or dare. Which, I know what you’re thinking but it wasn’t a childish game in the slightest.” She said slowly while you watched her in disbelief.

“Anyway, I was told to give a secret that I’d never tell anyone else. Something I’d take to the grave and-” 

“You told Spencer that you loved him.” You finished, throat tight as you were restraining the urge to either sob or scream at the blonde. “It’s just funny that this all came out after I told you what I wanted to do. You never showed him the time of day before.” 

“I don’t think you pay enough attention. Spencer has always been my best friend and we spend time together alone quite frequently. Just because you had sex one time doesn’t mean that you both were in an unspoken relationship.” JJ responded, having the audacity to act as if she didn’t break girl code to the highest degree. 

There were a few moments of silence, every intrusive thought bouncing through your mind. Your gaze was briefly turning to David and Krystall, seeing the two happily talking with guests before you were tuning your head to the pair in front of you. 

You reached over for the glass of water that one of them ended up putting down, hand clutching the glass before you made the wise decision of throwing water in their direction, the glass emptying on the both of them before the same glass was being placed down on the table. 

Without a word, you turned on your heels so you could walk away from the two. The reception was over for you, no feeling of celebration. You leaving with tears brimming your eyes caught the attention of the small group of agents, the group now turning their heads briefly to look at Spencer and JJ.

“Oh no..” Penelope frowned, the normally bubbly blonde turning to Tara, Luke and Matt.

“Something tells me that JJ and Spencer are talking..”

#spencer reid #criminal minds fandom #spencer reid fandom #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #doctor spencer reid #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid series #criminal minds au

[reiderwriter]

The Us That Could Have Been

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female BAU Reader

Requested: yes - role reversal of the player!Spencer fic I posted here!

W/C: 5.7k

Summary: They say if you want to get over one man, you have to get under another. Spencer isn't so sure why he dislikes the idea of you doing that quite so much.

Warnings: Mentions of Maeve, spoilers for S8, mentions of minor character deaths, smut, unprotected sex, creampie, angst.

A/N: I'm not going to apologise for this one... Have fun.

Find the rest of my masterlist here.

If you were a genius, you’d know that it took you three hours, twenty-three minutes, and six seconds to fall in love with Spencer Reid. If you were a genius, you’d also know that it took him five years, seven months, twenty-seven days, and two hours to the second for him to break your heart. The thing you were learning about geniuses though, is that they were the most oblivious people on the planet. 

Her name was Maeve, he had told all of you. And he needed your help to save her because he was in love with her. And of course, you went along with it, you tried your best even while your heart was cracked in two because at this point, you couldn’t stand the desperation on his face. The day he told you about her, only days before he died, you cried in the arms of Penelope Garcia for hours, letting her console you as you felt your world get flipped upside down. 

“I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, god, Penelope. Five years, and I knew, I knew that if he liked me like that something would have happened already, but I just…” She rubbed your back as you laid your head on her shoulder, letting your tears fall freely as the sobs wracked through your body. 

“I’ve been in love with him for five years and he never even noticed, and… Penelope he hasn’t seen this girl before and he’s desperate for her. What about me is so unlovable?” Your voice cracked as you broke down again, burying your head in your friend's arms as you let all the emotions hit you at once. 

“Y/N you listen to me right now. You are not unlovable, you have never been unlovable. If Spencer cannot see what is right in front of him, then he is an idiot. You are the most amazing thing that has happened to him, you’re a great friend, you’re smart, you’re beautiful-” 

“I’m not her. Penelope, I… I want to be her-” She held you as you emptied yourself for hours, crying until you were so physically exhausted that you just couldn’t anymore. You couldn’t say that you stopped crying per se, just that your body ran out of emotions to sustain you. 

“Okay, Y/N, here’s what you’re going to do now,” Penelope said. She’d heard you out for long enough, but she wasn’t going to let you be miserable for long. 

“You’re going to pick yourself up, take care of yourself. Get a haircut, dye your hair, whatever you need to do to get some change. And then you’re going to do your goddamn best to forget him, because if he’s too stupid to realize how special and amazing you are then he really doesn’t deserve you.” You sniffled a bit and nodded at her words. 

“And then, you’re going to get back out there. Y/N, when was the last time you went on a date?” 

“I don’t know it’s been… The last one I can remember was before I entered the BAU. I’ve just been so busy-” 

“Bullshit. You’re going to put yourself back out there and find a man, or multiple men, who actually value you and want you. A wise scholar once said the best way to get over a man is to get under another.” 

–X–

A year later and you’d probably taken Penelope’s words to heart a little bit too much. Maeve had died at the hands of her stalker not even a day later, and you felt terrible for Spencer, but he’d pushed you away, he’d pushed everyone away, so you’d decided she was right. 

Your first date had been a few weeks later, and you’d have liked the fact that you’d taken him back to your place and then immediately kicked him out and never seen him again after that to stay a secret. But the BAU copycat didn’t let any of your business stay within the team for long. He had pictures of you with the first guy, the guy from a week later, and the guy after him as well. By the time you’d figured out who the copycat murderer who’d sent you all Zugzwang-themed threats was, he’d got pictures of you locking lips with five separate one-night stands.

The team had said nothing about it, of course, except Hotch’s private aside asking if any of the men in the pictures needed informing about the situation. You’d had to admit to them that you’d not seen any of them since, and, with no reaction from Spencer, you’d felt almost vindicated in taking this step. 

If he didn’t care then, in those tense months where you were all leaning on each other for support, reeling from the death of Erin Strauss and the attacks on the team, closer than you’d really ever been before, then he wouldn’t ever care. 

The thought was freeing. So you’d kept up with your constant stream of men, not letting them get close enough to hurt you in the way that Spencer had, using them and discarding them like broken toys, ignoring that maybe it was you that was the broken one. 

It took a year for him to notice it. A year of you coming in with suspicious bruises on your neck that you laughed off, a year of your newfound confidence, a year of your conscious distance for him to notice that he missed you. It was slow at first. In those first few months, he just accepted that of course, you’d been seeing people. He’d assumed from the photographs everyone had seen that you’d been dating the entire time he’d known you, the feeling unsettling him a little, but he thought that was only because he’d never noticed. 

Now it was all he could notice. The way you’d walk in sometimes smelling unfamiliar, having showered at a hookup's place before taking off, the way you were suddenly open to the flirting by the local PDs on your cases. The way a sadness seeped into his chest every time he saw you with someone else. Envy wasn’t a feeling he was familiar with, so it took him stupidly long to name the emotion. 

You were back at O’Keefe’s after a local case successfully closed, and if you were drinking a lot, no one mentioned it. No one except Spencer, who’d made it his objective to keep you safe and by his side the entire night, for reasons he couldn’t even name. It was stifling, having him constantly hovering over you. 

“Spencer, lighten up a bit, have a drink.” You smiled up at him, trying to get him to loosen up so you could escape the way his sudden care was making you feel. The bartender was eyeing you up from his place behind the bar, and while you were usually careful not to get involved with men whom you’d likely run across again, you were throwing caution to the wind that day. 

“I’ll have a drink if you drink some water and slow down a bit, Y/N.” He handed you the glass he’d retrieved earlier and you sipped it slowly, squirming under the care in his gaze. He ordered a drink, and you eyed up the bartender as he did so, pushing Spencer’s hand off your hip as he approached, offering him a smile. He looked between you and the unfamiliar man, and felt a cold flash in his veins, waiting for his drink and then pulling you away back to the table with the rest of your friends, tangling your hand with his. 

You pulled out of his grip but followed him dutifully. He guided you into your seat quickly, brushing your hair out of your eyes before falling back into conversation with the rest of the team. You hated the way he could still make your heart stutter, still have you feeling hot all over from a single touch, and you felt trapped in the booth, screaming for a way out. 

Your chance came an hour later, when he excused himself to the bathroom, and you excused yourself as well, running back up to the bar. When he came back, you were gone.

“Where is Y/N?” He asked with a scowl, cursing himself for letting his eyes off you for even a second when you’d drank so much that night, having come back to suggest you turn in for the night, getting ready to offer you a ride home. 

“Y/N? By now, she’s either in the back room with the bartender or she’s convinced him to get off early and head back to hers,” Morgan chuckled, taking a swig of his drink. “Took her only two minutes of conversation to have him inviting her out the back entrance, she’s been gone for like five minutes now. 

The constricted feeling settled in his chest again, as his scowl deepened. Not knowing why he was feeling so goddamn destroyed by that statement, he let his head hang and left the bar himself, taking himself outside to get in his car and go home. Unbeknownst to him, you watched him leave from the alley behind the bar, the bartender placing open-mouthed kisses on your exposed neck as you buried your worryingly consistent feelings in the scent of bourbon and lust. 

The next week is rough for both of you. You laugh and play along with Morgan’s jokes about your game, keeping an eye out for him the entire time and ending all the conversations as you feel him enter the room or step closer. It doesn’t stop him from hearing it all, though, all the details about your sex life tormenting him, as he boils with anger at how wreckless you’re being with your constant stream of guys. 

“Mama, you were on fire last week. Took you only two minutes to disappear with that guy, you’re going to have to let me in on your secrets,” Morgan laughed from his perch on your desk. 

“Sorry, a magician never reveals her secrets, and what I do is definitely magic.” Your tone was suggestive and set the man off in a booming laugh, but with your back to the door, you hadn’t heard Spencer’s entrance. 

“The secret is that men are more accepting of casual hook-ups with strangers than women,” he snapped at you both, beginning to ramble as you both looked up at him in shock. 

“Okay, kid, I was just joking-”

“When surveyed over 75% of men said they would be willing to have sex with a complete stranger, vs. 0% of women, and while that’s just one study, there are multiple others that I could quote that have similar results.” 

“Spencer,” you chastised him, but he didn’t stop.

“What? Did you want to know when posing the question of an affair to people in a relationship that 18% of men reacted positively to having casual sex with a stranger, and surprisingly 4% of women also reacted in the affirmative? Did you ask that guy if he had a girlfriend before you fell into his bed, Y/N?” 

“Okay, that’s enough, Spencer, take a walk. I don’t know what’s up with you today, but that was out of line. Hotch is looking for you in his office.” The words came from Morgan, but he kept his eyes locked with yours as he was scolded, memorizing the look of pain in your eyes as he finally backed away. 

He didn’t know why he did it. He knew it would hurt you, and yet he continued anyway, even after you’d begged him to stop. He was hurt, and he didn’t know why, and he didn’t think he had any reason to be hurt, and somehow it was all because you’d been in the back of his mind constantly for as long as he could remember. 

–X– 

“Okay, girl’s night, my place, tomorrow night. There are no cases, and I managed to get Hotch to agree to let us put our phones on silent for the night, so it’s just me, you, JJ, and Blake, a bottle of wine and some good old-fashioned girl talk, what do you say?” Penelope asked you gleefully in the break room one day as you both prepared your drinks for a busy day of paperwork ahead. 

“I’m sorry, Pen, I have plans already.” You grinned up at her as she pouted, promising to make it up to her another time. You didn’t offer an explanation though, just excusing yourself back to your desk and letting her know that you’d make it up to her another time. 

Reid took your place as soon as you vacated it. Almost obsessively, he’d been following you around like a lost puppy since he’d exploded on you the other day. 

“I know you said girls’ night but… Could... Could I come? I think I need some uh, girl talk?” He asked Penelope, an awkward, embarrassed look on his face as he smiled tensely. If anyone knew what was wrong with him, recently, it would be them. 

Last year, he’d have said it was you, but the distance he’d felt recently, combined with the fact that he was almost 90% sure you were the root of his problems had him desperate for other opinions. 

“Oh. Are you sure, Spencer, we’ll be talking about all kinds of gross women stuff?” 

“I was raised by a single mother. I’m sure nothing you say could gross me out. Please?” She nodded her approval telling him what time to get there and to bring his beverage of choice, knowing he didn’t really drink wine all that much if he could help it. 

He turned up twenty minutes late, after spending a great deal of time pacing outside of Penelope’s apartment building wondering if he had any right to unburden himself on them like this. Pacing he wondered whether you’d actually showed up despite your mysterious plans and whether this had been all for naught anyway. 

When he eventually knocked on the door, Penelope opened it and greeted him with a warm hug. “We were wondering when you were going to knock on the door, one more minute and we were going to come out to get you.” 

JJ stood up to hug him, wine glass in her hand, and Blake offered him a wave from her perch on the couch. He took off his scarf and coat and accepted the glass of water Penelope offered him, settling into a chair opposite the three women. 

“Penelope said you wanted advice about something?” Blake was the first to enquire, the three of them getting straight into it, not letting him chicken out of it. 

“Yeah, I think so. Lately, I’ve been having these, I don’t know, weird feelings…” 

“Oh god, I thought I was a few years out from having the talk with someone,” JJ joked, but Penelope shushed her quickly after a quick snicker, letting him continue. 

“I’ve been… I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been acting really weird around Y/N, and I can’t figure out why.” He finally pushed the words out, feeling a weight off his chest at the confession. 

“You can’t?” The room was silent for a minute as they looked at each other, and he looked at them looking at each other, wondering what it was exactly that he’d missed. 

“Yeah? I don’t know, every time I see her I just want to, I don’t know, have her attention on me, even if I have to say something a little mean to get it. And in the bar that time, I was so, I don’t know hurt, I guess, when she disappeared without saying goodbye.” 

They just listened to him go on, not stopping to interrupt him, so he continued. 

“And there’s been this weird distance between us lately, and I guess it’s been there for a while, but I miss her, but she’s still there. I can still talk to her, and I can still spend time with her but I miss her all the time.”

“Spencer,” Blake said with a soft voice. “Since when have you been feeling like this?” 

“I don’t know, I guess it started after everything happened with Strauss and the copycat in New York. But she’s always been… I don’t know, closer than most people? But every time I think we’re getting back to normal recently, she pulls away again and there’s this… void where she should be.”

JJ put her drink down and leaned a little closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Spencer, I think you might be in love with her.” He considered the words for a moment, before getting ready to dismiss them. 

“No, love is a good emotion, this doesn’t feel good, it feels… ugly.” Blake stared at him sympathetically, calmly talking him around. 

“Spencer, think about it. You’re protective over her, you don’t like seeing her with other people, this all started right around the time the copycat sent those pictures of her with other people. It is love, and it’s jealousy, too.” 

The words hit him like a tonne of bricks as he suddenly felt the full force of his words. He was in love with you. 

“Oh god, what do I do?” He held his head in his hands, and Penelope scoffed a little from her seat, the rest of them turning to look at him.  

“I’m sorry, you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own genius.” She said with a slightly sharp tone, and even the girls sent her questioning stares as she continued. 

“You don’t just get to decide that you want her after all this time, not after how you’ve been treating her these last few months.” She turns her head away a little bit and sips her drink, her tough-love approach leaving him slightly defeated.  

“Penelope, do you know something?” Blake asks firmly, trying to coax some answers out of her. 

“If I did, I’d be under a strict oath not to tell anyone. And I wouldn’t want to considering how much pain she was in when she made me swear never to tell anyone.” It was clear from the tone of her voice that she really wanted to say something though, the words desperate to spill out. 

“Penelope, your loyalty is commendable, but don’t you think what you have to say could help both of them?” JJ quietly coaxed out of her, and she finally gave in. 

“Okay, but if you hurt her, Spencer Reid, I will never forgive you ever again.” He nodded quickly, hanging onto her every word. 

“Think about what else happened a year ago.” She encouraged him, and for a moment, he was coming up blank.  

“A year ago? We were in the middle of the copycat case. Strauss had just been killed. We were close to being pulled off the case-” 

“You got a girlfriend, Spencer. You came in one day out of the blue and just announced that you were in love with someone you hadn’t met, and you didn’t realize that you were torturing her.” Penelope tried really hard not to snap at him, but his ignorance of your feelings was frustrating, to say the least.  

“What Penelope is trying to say, Spencer, is that we think Y/N was in love with you, too,” JJ added, softening the blow. “And finding out you didn’t feel the same way so suddenly was, well it was a shock to all of us really.”

“What Penelope is trying to say is that she spent six hours with me crying into this couch, and then picked herself up and helped you try to save the woman you had chosen over her. So yeah, she’s been a bit distant, but can you really blame her?” 

“She… She was in love with me?” His heart stopped for a second, dropping to the pit of his stomach as he thought back to those days, how you’d acted around him, the smiles that hadn’t reached your eyes, the reassurances that he’d brushed off, so desperate to help Maeve. 

“Honestly, until you told us about Maeve, I thought you two had something going on,” Blake added. 

“We used to have an office bet when Emily was around about which of the two of you would confess first,” JJ admitted shyly. 

“Oh, god.” He let his head hang a little in shame. “Do you… do you think she still feels the same?” 

They shared another glance at each other again, and he panicked trying desperately to decode whatever it was that had just passed between them. 

“Look, we shouldn’t profile each other but… It’s not a coincidence that all of her hookups tend to happen after you pay her some attention.” Blake observed, letting Reid fill in the blanks of her statement.

“That might be my fault actually, I told her the best way to get over you is to get under someone else.” 

“I don’t want her under someone else,” he stated then, cutting himself off before he could say anything else too damning.  

“She’s not here tonight, why isn’t she here?” He panicked looking frantically around the room for answers, but none of them knew really.  

“She said she had plans, but she didn’t tell me what they are.” 

“Do you think she’s… do you think she’s with…” He couldn’t finish the thought, instead bolting upright and gathering his things. 

“I need to go.” He let out, as the women cheered behind him, finally happy that he was taking action. Penelope shouted your address at him as he left as if he didn’t already have it memorized, running out in the rain, his feet carrying him to your apartment.  

He saw the light on when he approached, thankful that you were still there, and bounded up the stairs to your floor, not giving himself time to second guess this before he pounded on your door.  

You pulled the door open, a confused look on your face as you greeted him, his chest heaving, water dripping down his face. He looked like a mess. 

“Are you alone?” He gasped out, having to pause between each word to catch his breath.  

“Spencer, what are you doing-” The breath left your body as he leaned into you, catching you around the hips and walking you back into your apartment, your back hitting the wall behind you as he rested his forehead against your own, chest still desperately drawing in oxygen. 

“Please, please tell me right now if there’s someone here with you. If there is, I’ll leave, if there isn’t…” His gaze fell to your lips and your entire body lit up, the haze of your confusion finally lifting as you took in each of his words. His lips moved forward, seconds from connecting with your own when his question was finally answered.  

“Y/N? Who is it?” The voice was male, and it was coming from your living room, but it was all Spencer needed to know as he detangled himself from you, pushing his wet hair out of his face and putting some distance between you two, muttering apologies as he backed out of the door again. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I’m sorry,” he said, quickly turning away from you and leaving your apartment quickly. 

“Spencer, wait-” You tried to yell after him, but it was too late. He had disappeared into the night, as quickly as he came. 

You returned to the living room, cursing yourself for not answering quickly enough as you crawled back into the seat you’d just left. 

“What was all that?” Your brother asked from his perch, shoveling popcorn into his mouth in a way that had you somehow even more pissed at him for the simple fact of his existence.  

“That was Spencer. He… God, I think he thinks I’m in here with a guy.” 

–X– 

The next few days at work were tense, as you desperately tried everything to catch his eye. But you weren’t sure why you were putting in so much effort. He was the one who had burst into your apartment and practically begged you for your attention, why were you now the one chasing him?

Needless to say, you took your frustrations straight to Penelope Monday morning. 

“And then he left without letting me explain that it was my brother, and he hasn’t talked to me once this morning, he keeps running away from me and I don’t even know what the fuck it was he was trying to gain from all that and- ughh he is so dense.”

Penelope had sensed the oncoming disaster the moment she’d seen your social media post about your brother’s visit Saturday morning, and you only confirmed all her fears as you unloaded onto her. She silently cursed Spencer as well, and once she’d given you some reassurance and reminded you that you had some case files on your desk that were urgent and distracting enough to calm you down, she practically lept from her seat to hunt Reid down.  

“Spencer Reid, you get your ass in my office right this second,” she whisper screamed at him in the breakroom, his sunken eyes showing that his jump to conclusions had left him in a poor emotional state. He jolted at her words, as she watched to see if you noticed the two of them before practically frog-marching him off down the hall.  

“What the hell happened? We sent you off to confess your feelings, and you what? Pin her to the wall and breathe down her neck before running off with your tail between your legs?” 

He looked down guiltily before replying. “She had a guy there, Penelope, I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to get rejected like that.” 

“She did not have a guy there, Spencer, she had her brother there.” She pulled up your post on her phone and thrust it in his face as she watched his eyes go wide at his own stupidity, clutching the phone as he read your words.  

“And if you weren’t a coward, you’d have stayed and told her even if she did actually have someone over.” 

He’d since tuned out her words though, the crushing weight of his almost-confession that had been stuck to him since the weekend dissipating slowly. 

“This is her brother?” He looked up at you again, desperate to confirm the words she’d already said. 

“Yes. You’d know that if you weren’t such a technophobic freak. I love you but this is the 21st Century and you’re an idiot.” 

“Yeah, I am.” He handed her the phone back and slunk out of the office, and back to his desk. He had a chance to try again, and he wasn’t going to fuck it up this time. 

–X– 

You didn’t know how you knew that night, but when you heard the knock at your door, you knew it was him. 

You hesitated before reaching for the door handle, pulling it open, and confirming your suspicions. 

“Hi.” You said, and he returned the greeting with a mumble of his own before the two of you fell into silence again. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something else, but couldn’t, instead letting his gaze fall to your lips. You heard the hidden question in his look and opened the door a little wider. 

It took only a moment for him to come crashing into you, hands holding your face as his lips met yours in a passionate embrace, drinking you in as again walked you back into your apartment, not even breaking away as he closed the door behind you.  

You wrapped your arms up and around his neck, as you let his hands fall to your hips, your chest, your ass, exploring every part of your body he could reach as you stood caught up in each other. In your desperation for each other, you hit walls, and bumped into tables, finally stopping at your kitchen island as he lifted you up, wrapping your legs around his waist as he started pressing kisses down the hollow of your neck. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered between kisses. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was your brother and I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, and I’m sorry I’ve been so weird recently.” You pulled his face back up to your own claiming his lips in yours once again, swallowing each of his other apologies. 

He pulled away again, looking at you tenderly as he lifted you into his arms and gently carried you into your room, laying you down on your bed. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and the words broke you. You’d spent five years practically begging him to say them, and another year since trying to bury even the very idea of him feeling the same way deep inside you. Tears fell from your eyes and he kissed each one of them away, muttering confessions into your skin. 

“I love you, please don’t cry.” 

“I love you, you’re so beautiful.” 

“I love you and I’m so so sorry.” You pushed him away again slightly, regaining enough of your composure to finally talk again. 

“I need to know that you’re serious, Spencer. I can’t… I can’t do this if you’re not totally sure, because it will destroy me.” Your voice broke as the words stumbled over the knot in your throat, your hands balled into his shirt, legs still wrapped around him. 

“I’m serious. I don’t want to hurt you ever again.” He pressed his lips back into yours again, and you let the kiss deepen, lips slanting over each other in desperation as the need to be joined overtook your body. 

He lifted your skirt, trailing a hand between the two of you as he checked your arousal. You could feel his cock pressing into your thigh, desperate to be freed from it’s restraints. He began kissing his way down your naval, but you pulled him back up.  

“No, I need you now. There will be time for that later, but if you don’t do this now I think I’ll drive myself mad with wanting.” His lips reconnected with yours again as you began divesting yourselves of clothing, and within another two minutes, he was pressing into you, muttering more adoring serenades into your skin as he began catching the tears escaping your eyes again. 

“Yes, Spencer, more please,” you moaned underneath him, legs tight around him as he began thrusting into you with a ferocity you hadn’t felt from him before. It was tender, but you were both desperate, after months of separation, to come back into one another. 

Your lips and teeth clashed together as you let the room echo with your moans, his moans, and the sound of your skin slapping against each other. His forehead came to rest against your own as he grew closer to his release, lips disconnecting as you just stared into each other's eyes in that moment, seeing each other truly for the very first time. 

“Y/N, I’m gonna… I’m gonna cum.” He pressed down into you harder, looking down to the place where you were joined and letting out a whispered curse as he watched you take every inch of him. His hips stuttered then, and you felt your own climax reach you as you felt him release into you, his lips softly tracing your own as you breathed each other in again. 

He pulled out and immediately went to work making sure you were comfortable, propping you up on the bed, making sure the pillows behind you were plump and soft, and running off to find something to clean yourself up with. You watched him silently, again brushing some of the tears from your eyes. 

“How do you feel?” He said shyly as he returned, having pulled his pants back on at least as he bought you a glass of water. You offered him a small smile and a thank you as you replied. 

“I think… I think we need to talk, Spencer.” You said, not meeting his eyes as he looked down at you attentively. 

“Why did you come tonight, Spencer?” You asked, voice so quiet you resisted the urge to repeat the question, knowing that he heard you perfectly clearly, 

“I needed to tell you how I feel. It’s been staring me in the face for six years, and I somehow didn’t know, but once I did I just… I needed you to know.” You nodded at his words, standing still in front of you on the bed as you swung your legs off and asked him to pass you your nightdress back. You pulled it on over your head as you asked him your next question. 

“Why did you run away the other day?” 

“I didn’t know it was your brother, Y/N, I should’ve-”

“It shouldn’t have mattered who it was. If you love me, you should fight for me, right? The way you fought for Maeve.” Your tears start falling again as you open the wound that brought you this far. 

“Y/N, that was… That was different-” You can hear the panic in his voice as he tries to come up with the words to explain himself. 

“Spencer, if.. If it’s different then I think you should leave. If you don’t love me the same way you loved her, then there’s no point starting something.” 

“Y/N, please.” 

“No, Spencer. I have spent six years of my life filled with nothing but love for you. I wake up and think about you, I go to bed and you’re still there in the back of my mind. My every action is informed by your presence and I am so, so tired. So if you do not feel the same way, you need to turn around and leave this apartment.” 

The silence between you is thick, as you stare up at him through your tears, face stern as you push him away. 

He gathers his things. Moves towards the door and doesn’t say anything, and just as you’re about to break down, to let the sob burst from your chest in an agonized wail, you hear your front door close behind him, and you’re left alone in the empty apartment, stuck in the purgatory of your love for him, unable to move an inch. 

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid smut #mgg #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fandom #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid angst #criminal minds angst #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid x you #maeve donovan #maturereiding

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

There's a 100% Chance I'm Gonna Marry You | Spencer Reid

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: The team doesn’t even know of her existence but when Spencer can’t get a hold of her, he gets worried. Now he has no other choice than to tell his coworker about her.

Warnings: worry, guns, kicking down doors, mention of Maeve & Haley's death, fluff!

Author's note: I kinda love this like a lot???

Words: 3.4K

Spencer was happy. Considering the things he had gone through in the past ten years, no one had expected him to ever come back to his incredibly happy and constantly smiley self. No one had ever seen him so giggly and teasing his colleagues every single day. 

If you asked his coworkers, all of them would say something different. JJ, Alex and Penelope all swore he was simply in love. Hotch and Rossi knew what was happening – years of profiling in their back pocket that would catch onto the tiniest signs and being his boss had its perks. Morgan believed he was just getting laid, finally. 

If you asked Spencer, he’d simply shrug and say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

The truth was that he was in love, just like his female coworkers had guessed. 

He had met her a few years earlier at a bookstore. The two of them had reached for the exact same book at the exact same time, causing their hands to bump. Apologies floated through the air, followed by their awkward giggles when their eyes locked. Spencer offered to buy her the book that day and she insisted they read it together over a cup of coffee. Of course he didn’t decline, and neither did he alert her that he read as fast as lightning. For her, he’d read at her pace. 

Ever since that day, the two of them had been hanging out non-stop at bookstores, coffee shops, and eventually at each other’s apartment. It took them a good six months before finally sharing a searing kiss that sealed their relationship. 

That kiss was about a little over a year ago and now, the two of them were living together. Albeit, she kept her old address, with the help of Hotch who had called in favor, just to throw anyone that snooped into their personal affairs off. 

Without any of his colleagues knowing. 

At first, he didn’t want their relentless teasing, but then he was reminded of how the BAU’s family and partners were put in constant danger over being even slightly connected to them. Spencer almost wanted to break up with her over it, just to keep her safe. And they did, for a good week, until Spencer realized he couldn’t live without her. 

She was fine with being his little secret. Though sometimes, she wanted to get to know his colleagues after all the stories she heard from him. The gruesome details about those stories, however, she’d rather forget immediately. 

That was why the two of them kept in touch as much as they could during his cases. Quick phone calls, just to check in with one another, constant text messages, … There was never a moment where the two of them didn’t hear from one another. 

When one day she didn’t answer him, he grew immediately worried. 

That day had started early for Spencer. He'd been woken up at five am by a call from JJ, telling him to come into work as soon as he could, but not to bring a go-bag. Her eyes had fluttered open ever so slightly, but he shushed her and kissed her forehead. 

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered and tried to pull away, but her arms snaked around his neck, pulling him back. 

The girl whined and though her eyes were closed, her lips were pursed. “Gimme kiss first.” 

Chuckling, Spencer leaned down and kissed her on the lips sweetly. “I love you.”

“Mmh, love you too. Come back to me in one piece, Doctor Reid.” 

She tugged at the duvet to cozy up and doze off again. For a couple seconds, he watched her with a tender smile plastered on his face. He hated leaving the girl he loved behind. He’d much rather cuddle up to her underneath the covers. 

“I promise,” he whispered and kissed her head again before finally turning on his heel and walking out the apartment. It was always with a heavy heart that he left the apartment, but his mind was quickly occupied by the case at hand. 

It wasn’t until 10am when he received a text from her. The initials “L.G.” flashing onto his screen. It was her contact name that she had added. It stood for Lover Girl, she had told him, while putting his contact name as P.B.; Pretty Boy. 

L.G.: I actually slept until now. Got any statistics on that, Doctor? 

A smile took over his entire face. She often asked him for any statistics about whatever she was thinking about. It was her favorite thing to do, listening to him ramble off facts and statistics, which was why she’d asked for it. Even if it was merely through text.

P.B.: 55% of people oversleep at least once a week and 75% of those have missed work. A little over 30% said they oversleep once a week and 24% do it multiple times a week.

He waited a minute, she usually answered within a couple minutes and he and Morgan were waiting for their colleagues to compile their theories anyway. When her message popped onto his screen, he couldn’t help but smile even wider. 

L.G.: You never disappoint. – Thank GOD for bank holidays. ;-) 

Spencer chuckled before starting to type up a response. 

P.B.: What are you up to today? 

Before her reply came in, their colleagues filed into the briefing room where he and Morgan resided. He quickly chucked his phone in his pocket and focused on what his coworkers were saying. It took a couple of minutes as they put their heads together and piece together some of the evidence they had found. 

“Morgan, Reid, I’m gonna need you to go to the apartment building and ask around if anyone has seen Peter in the hallways that night. Alex and Rossi, you’re on the new crime scene. JJ and I will head to the M.E.”

Everyone nodded at their assignments before they got up and filed out of the briefing room. As Spencer followed Morgan out to the SUV, he grabbed his phone to check her message she had sent. 

L.G.: Just going to run some errands. Do you need anything from the grocery store? 

P.B.: Can you get me some of those rice crispy treats, please, angel? 

He put his phone back in his pocket before turning to his coworker next to him, who was sneaking glances at him whilst driving. “I do still wonder who you’re always texting with that dopey smile on your face.” 

Spencer coughed. “My-my mom.” 

“Are you ever gonna tell me the truth?” Derek asked, his thick brows raised. There was no answer at the top of that genius brain of his, so he simply grimaced and nodded his head. 

The two of them focused back on the case and went door to door at the apartment building, asking everyone if they had seen who they were looking for. None of them were much help and when they were done interviewing the inhabitants, one hour had passed. On the way back to the car, Spencer checked his phone again, but no messages from his Lover Girl this time. 

He frowned and sent her another text. 

P.B.: Back from the store yet, L.G.? Did you remember my rice crispy treats? 

It wasn’t usual for her to take this long to reply, especially when she had a day off. Her phone’s sound was always on and she had it closeby at every moment. Worry settled on his chest. He couldn’t act on the anxieties swirling around in his mind as he couldn’t just rush home mid-case. 

When there was no answer another hour later, Spencer knew something was up. He tried to call her when he and Morgan were waiting on the rest of the team to regroup, but it went straight to voicemail. 

“Hiya! You just missed me, but leave a message and I’ll call you back when I can.” 

The sound of her voice calmed him down a little bit, but the fact that it was her voicemail only made his worry grow. Two steps forward and one step back, it felt like. 

“You okay, Reid?” Morgan asked when he noticed his coworker in distress. 

Spencer internally groaned at the fact he couldn’t tell Morgan what was stressing him out because he had decided to keep his girlfriend a secret. Especially at a moment like this when there could be something wrong with her. For all he knew, she could be hurt. The exact reason for keeping her a secret in the first place.

“Uhm, yeah,” he lied. “Yeah, I’m okay.” 

It was crystal clear that Morgan didn’t believe his coworker but with the height of the case nearing, he decided not to press any further. It was only hours later, when they closed the case, and Spencer was clearly spiraling that he decided to ask further. 

“Reid, seriously, what’s going on?” he asked when Spencer hung up his phone for a fifth time, not getting the answer he wanted. 

Spencer sighed and chucked his phone in his pocket, his hands trembling as he did so. “I-I need to go home. Something’s wrong.” 

“With your mom?” Morgan asked as he watched Spencer rush out the BAU. The resident genius didn’t even bother to answer, which left Morgan with no other choice than to simply follow behind him. “Hey, Reid!” he called when he caught up to Spencer near the SUV. With furrowed brows and trembling hands trying to unlock the car, the younger man looked up. “Let me drive.” 

And with that said, Derek and Spencer got into the car and drove off to Spencer’s apartment. Derek wasn’t even sure what he was in for, but he trusted Spencer enough to follow him blindly. The two of them entered Spencer’s apartment building and rushed up the stairs to apartment 23.

A scream echoed through the door and reverberated in Spencer’s chest, causing his heart to plummet to his stomach. Derek and Spencer both reached for their guns, ready to shoot whoever’s hurting this screaming person. Another scream came from inside and Derek quickly and swiftly kicked down the apartment door. 

Another scream, but this time because of the sudden disruption. Once Spencer was certain there was no immediate danger, he holstered his weapon, as did Derek. His eyes scanned over his girlfriend. She had her hair scraped back into a messy bun, an old CalTech shirt of his that reached just beneath her bum and underneath it the tiniest of shorts that were barely visible. 

Once her heart had calmed down from the near-heart attack, she tugged the earphones out of her ears. “Fucking hell, Spence, way to give a girl a heart attack.” She threw a cushion from the couch at him. 

“Me?! You weren’t answering any of my calls or texts! I thought you were kidnapped,” he argued before stalking up to her and taking her into his arms into a much-needed hug. 

She pressed a kiss to his jaw. “I’m sorry, I was too wrapped up in that new Taylor Swift song and singing along.”

“Ah, that was the screaming about,” Morgan muttered, shaking his head with a chuckle.  

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Spencer whispered and kissed her head before remembering there was someone else in the room. Coughing, he looked up at his coworker and only slightly let go of her, keeping an arm around her shoulders. 

“So, you’re ready to tell me the truth now?” Derek asked, a smirk on his face. 

Spencer smiled down at the girl. “Morgan, this is y/n, my… girlfriend.” 

The girl reached out a hand for him to shake and Derek did, but not without eyeing her up and keeping that teasing demeanor. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Spence has told me so much about you.” 

“Wish I could say the same about you, but unfortunately, Boy Wonder never mentioned you once,” he told her, chuckling. “How did you keep this a secret from all of us?” 

Spencer shrugged. “I thought it would be better to keep our relationship a secret from everyone to keep her safe. We all know what happened to Haley, I don’t–” He inhaled sharply, unable to get the words across his lips. Noticing his sudden tensed shoulders, she interlaced her fingers with the ones on the hand on her shoulder, squeezing them reassuringly. “She kept her old address, just so no one could trace her back to me. Only Hotch and Rossi know.” 

“I wish we could’ve met under better circumstances,” she told him, gesturing to her appearance. 

“Shut up, you look cute,” Spencer reassured her and kissed her temple again. 

The smile never left Derek’s face as he looked at the sight in front of him. “I’m happy for you, Reid, you know that, right?” he asked happily, a hint of pride in his tone that caused her insides to grow mushy. 

From Spencer’s stories, she could tell the team cared about him a lot, but hearing it in real life and seeing it in Derek’s eyes and face meant the absolute world to her. She knew he was safe whenever he was with them, she knew she didn’t have to worry too much when he was out at work. They would protect him no matter what. 

Sensing Derek wanted to talk to Spencer alone, she excused herself and removed herself to the bedroom where she looked for something more appropriate to change into. All while keeping an ear on the conversation between the two coworkers. 

“I know,” she heard Spencer mumble. “I’m just scared, you know? She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t want that to be taken away from me… again…” Heat crept to her cheeks as she listened to her boyfriend talk about her. 

“I get that,” Derek said. “She’s important to you – she’s family. Family of yours is family of ours, Reid. You don’t want anything to happen to her, and neither do we. We’d do anything in our power to protect her.” 

“Like we did Haley and Maeve?” 

She knew all about Maeve and Haley. Spencer had explained everything to her. It scared her to death that something like that could happen to the family of the BAU agents as much as it scared her something terrible could happen to Spencer. 

“You know that was out of our control, Reid,” said Morgan. 

A short silence fell and she knew Spencer inhaled deeply before continuing. “I know, but what if the same thing happens to her? I can’t lose her, Morgan. I wanna keep her safe, out of harm’s way.” 

“Don’t you think your best shot at keeping her safe is to have us informed about it? At least then, we can keep her safe and help you protect her,” he explained and she couldn’t help but agree with her. With her heart a little heavier and her outfit changed into jeans and a top with her hair down, she walked out into the living room. 

“He’s right though, baby,” she mumbled, capturing the boys’ attention. 

Spencer sighed, “Y/N.” He shook his head. 

“Don’t “y/n” me, Spencer. Your little family sounds amazing and I wanna be part of that, too.” She wrapped her arms around his waist, placing her head against his chest. “I know you wanna protect me, but don’t you think we both got a better chance if we got them in our lives, too?” 

Another sigh heaved Spencer’s chest, causing her head to move along with it. “Okay, you’re probably right.” He kissed the top of her head before looking at Morgan again. “Text everyone to come over here for dinner.”

“We don’t have enough food for that many people, honey,” she gasped, almost in a panic. 

Spencer shrugged. “We’ll order Chinese.” 

Within half an hour, the entire team had arrived at Spencer’s, one by one getting acquainted with the one he had kept secret for so long. Neither one knew why they were invited to apartment 23 but when they did find out, their reactions melted y/n’s heart. 

First, it was Penelope. The chirpy, colorful blonde she had heard so much about. 

“What’s the emergency? Are you okay, Reid? I–” she stopped in her tracks when her eyes landed on the girl beside the resident genius. “Who–Wha–” she stumbled over her words, her brain short-circuiting. 

With a smile, she reached out her hand to shake Penelope’s. “Hi, I’m y/n.” 

“Reid’s girlfriend,” the brunette that had come up behind her moments after, deducted. 

Penelope’s eyes widened before taking the girl into her arms. “Oh, my God! I knew it! I knew our Boy Wonder was in love!” 

Giggles filled up the apartment. Spencer and y/n couldn’t help but lock eyes, happy this was the reaction from his coworkers to his news. “Happy to meet you, too, Penelope.” 

“Hi,” the brunette greeted when Penelope pulled away. “I’m Alex Blake.” 

One by one, the team filed in, greeting y/n as though she was part of the family. With Chinese food scattered around the dining room table, the whole family sat, ate and asked the couple all the questions they needed answers to. 

“When did you first meet?” The blonde y/n has come to be known as JJ. 

Y/N glanced over to Spencer and took a hold of his hand, entwining their fingers in his lap. “We met at a bookstore, we were reaching for the same book–”

“Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver,” Spencer interrupted. 

“That one,” she concurred with a giggle. “He insisted on buying it for me and I insisted we read it together.” Her nose scrunched up while her lips pressed together, remembering how adorable Spencer was that day, and still was. 

“Damn, boy,” Derek commented. “Didn’t know you had game.” 

“What do you do?” Alex then questioned, moving on from their meet-cute. 

“I’m a primary school teacher,” she responded. “I try to mold and form these brilliant little minds to become something that somewhat resembles this genius’ mind.” She placed her free hand on Spencer’s head and lovingly squeezed. 

A collective bubble of laughter spread through the apartment, causing y/n’s heart to flutter. She loved being around Spencer’s friends. They were lovely and brought out the best in Spencer. While he always had his guard down when he was with her and showed her his soft side, his friends brought out a completely different side in him. A side she had seen before, but never with people other than her. 

For an entire night, the team asked the couple questions, told stories about Spencer even she didn’t know yet and she easily returned the favor. It turned out to be a lovely night that would be grafted into the couple’s minds for a long time. 

“I enjoyed spending time with your friends,” she told him when they were cuddled up in bed afterwards. 

As soon as they hit the mattress, their limbs entangled and her head ended up on his chest. While his hand trailed up and down her back, hers was drawing patterns on his chest. A position they had found themselves in almost every night. 

“Mmh,” he hummed. “They loved you.” 

She let out a giggle. “Of course they did.” 

A laugh rumbled Spencer’s chest, reverberating through her head. It was her favorite sound and feeling in the whole wide world. She lifted her head from his chest to properly look at him, finding him looking up at the ceiling. From this angle, she had a perfect view at his sharp jawline, his curls sticking out here and there, and his long lashes fluttering to keep himself awake. 

“Got any statistics, Doctor?” she then asked, putting her head back in place, right over his heart to hear it beat just for her. 

She could feel him turn his head to look at her. “About what?” he asked. 

“Anything,” she answered. 

He sighed. A content sigh, one where you could hear the smile in his breath. “There’s a hundred percent chance I’m gonna marry you,” he muttered and kissed the top of her head. 

A smile curved her lips upwards while her eyes slowly shut. Her body was completely relaxed, her heart fluttering in his presence. She could see their entire future flash before her eyes. Spencer getting down on one knee at the bookstore, her father walking her down the aisle while his friends and coworkers and his mom sat in the pews. She could see ten tiny toes and ten tiny fingers. 

She could see forever with him. 

“There’s a hundred percent chance I’m gonna say yes.” 

Everything taglist: @calamitykaty @littlemissaddict @n0wornever @wanniiieeeee @unnowhatthisistbhh

Criminal Minds Taglist: 

@boimlers-gonna-boimm @samsbirks @tinaasthings @dysphoricsanity @love4lando @elenamoncada-ibarra @r-3dlips @magstheslayer @astess 

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid one shot #criminal minds

[moonstruckme]

i recently found your page and i became instantly obsessed, you're such a good writer!! i'm not sure if you're taking requests rn (if you're not, ignore this hahaha) but i saw a post somewhere saying that when spencer is in love he loses the sense of direction 😭 we saw moments like those with lila and maeve (like he starts walking but then it's the wrong direction <33) and i was thinking about that with bau!reader!! they're on a case and he gets distracted by her and starts walking on the opposite direction or says something wrong and the team is all like??? because he never gets things wrong and maybe morgan teases him or something like that

sorry for the veryyyy long message!! i just thought it could be so cute, and you would write it perfectly!! obviously if you want to write it in a different way it's okay, i would be happy if you wrote it (but again, if you're not feeling it it's completely okay!! 💗) thank you and have a good day :))

Thank you sweetness <3

Spencer Reid x bau!reader ♡ 539 words

There’s an eyelash on your cheek. You’re staring at the board, and your lips are all pursed, and you’re sitting forward on your elbows, and there’s an eyelash on your cheek. Spencer has no idea how you haven’t noticed it, sitting there with both ends curled upward, precipitous on the curve of your cheekbone.

You’re saying something to Hotch about the overly gruesome nature of the case, how it points to a connection with the victims. Your cheek moves as you talk. The eyelash looks like it should be a breath away from falling off, and yet it stays stubbornly in place. Spencer really, really wants to get it for you. It’d be such a tiny gesture, the quick brush of his finger underneath your eye, so brief no one would have the chance to question it. He wonders if you believe in wishing on eyelashes. He’s seen you throw salt over your shoulder more than once, but you claim it’s more a habit from childhood than actual superstition. Still, you’re more a romantic than you like to let on. But the origin of the salt tossing is more rooted in Christianity, Spencer thinks, whereas the practice of wishing on eyelashes is more recent and often suspected to be rooted in Paganism. It supposedly emerged only in the eighteenth or nineteenth centuries, when someone in the British isles spread word that blowing an eyelash off your finger was the equivalent of blowing away the Devil, and eventually the belief morphed into good luck and wishes. Spencer wonders what you’d wish for. 

“And it’s pretty clear what this is hailing to.” Prentiss’ voice is weary. 

“Paganism,” Spencer says quietly, absentmindedly.

“What?” 

Spencer blinks, returning to the room to find the entire table has turned to look at him. “Sorry, I—I was thinking about something else.” He glances at the board. “Jack the Ripper. The degree of mutilation is the same.” 

“Right,” Hotch says, instantly back on task. “And if we’re right, he’s going to act again soon. Wheels up in twenty.” 

Spencer picks up his bag, but doesn’t leave the room. “Hey,” he says as you stand, stepping closer to you. “You’ve got an eyelash.” 

You blink, almost knocking it askew, but hold still as Spencer brings a hand to your face, brushing it onto his finger. 

Your cheek pushes upwards as you give him a lopsided smile. “Thanks,” you say.

“Wanna make a wish?” 

You make a soft, amused sound. “I don’t believe in that, and I know you don’t either.” But when Spencer holds up his fingertip, you lean forwards anyway. Your mouth purses prettily, a tiny little o, and you blow softly. It’s a small puff of air, but the eyelash whirls off into the air. The both of you track it until it reaches the ground. You quirk an eyebrow at Spencer as if to say satisfied? and go, passing your hand along his arm fondly as you exit. Spencer follows after you like you’ve got him on a leash, and it’s only once he’s in Garcia’s office that you say “Do you need something, Spence? I just came to bring Penelope something,” and he realizes he’s completely forgotten where he was supposed to be going.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x self insert #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fandom #bau!reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic

[mismatched-sockss]

Where I never dared to stand

» Pairing: purely Spencer Reid x fem!Reader [NO JEID whatsoever] » Wordcount: 4k » Warnings: JJ's POV (3rd person), based on Where I Stood by Missy Higgins, we're staying within the realms of canon with this one - this focuses on JJ's feelings and my own interpretations regarding those, spoilers mentioned for s12!Spencer and 13×01 300, heavy spoilers for 14×15 Truth or Dare, kind of for 15×02 Awakenings too (i used a part of the conversation between JJ and Reid about what happend in 14×15), reader is Garcia's college roommate & friend, no time line mentioned but first meeting of Spencer and Reader is said to happen somewhere after JJ married Will to mid s10 (so somewhere from s8×01 to about s10×12, reader and Spencer are together when s10×13 happens), no mentions of Maeve only a vague mention that the last years have been rough for Spencer), » A/N: multiple mentions about reader being a woman / female, use of she/her pronouns, no body description, no mentions of readers clothes --- pls take a look here for more info about my reader descriptions in general » IMPORTANT!!!: i just want to say that i hated the way the writers where forcing the climax of 14×15 through out the whole s14 both on the characters and us, and i hated just about everything about the whole thing in general tbh, (after making Will such a big part of JJ's life JEID was over and done with, i never liked them as a ship in general; just wait until i'll unleash my hate for JJ in the future (hate only regarding the way she is treating Spencer, otherwise i like her for the most part)).... the only reason this fic happened in the way it is, is because i lost track of my initial plan when i got inspiration from the song, but then i kind of got carried away while writing; i tried to capture and bring out JJ's inner conflicts, the guilt she feels about all of it etc

Jennifer Jareau liked you from the moment she saw you, no doubt about it. There was something about you, that uplifted the whole room you were in; it was hard to not be in a good mood when you were around.

Penelope had brought you along for a girl's night one evening. You had been her dorm room-mate in college and fate brought you back into each other's lives, when it just so happened that you moved into the same building she was living in. From then on, you joined them for girl's night on most occasions and it was just a matter of time until Penelope invited you to a party where not only the girls would be attending, but also the rest of the BAU team. It so happened to be Penelope's birthday party.

Everyone could see the sparks fly when Spencer and you met each other then. One look at the both of you was enough to see it; that this was a once in a life time, soulmate kind of thing. The kind of love you could only find in movies or books, the stuff all the cheesy romance movies JJ liked to watch were made of.

Something had stirred in her heart when she saw the two of you interact at Penelope's birthday party; a small ache, something she couldn't quite place at the time. So without further thinking about it, she brushed it away, forgetting all about it in the following days. That is, until the next time she saw the two of you. Together.

It was at one of Rossi's dinner parties not too long after Spencer and you met. Everyone was already accounted for in Rossi's backyard, except for Spencer. The doorbell rang and Rossi went to open the door; when he got back a big smile was plastered on his face and he was wiggling his brows suggestively. After him, Spencer walked in. With you. Holding hands.

Then and there the ache found it's way back into her heart, a little more persistent then the last time. This time she knew in an instant what it had been.

Jealousy. She couldn't stand your hands on him.

At the realization she had felt dizzy. Had it been any later in the evening she probably could have blamed the dizziness on the wine. But the glass she held in her hand was her first and she had barely nipped on it. No, it was because she was jealous, and the guilt she felt at the same time collided with it and mixed into an even bigger ugly thing that almost swept her off her feet.

Here she was, standing next to her husband and the father of her child, feeling jealous over another woman holding hands with her friend; a friend who she knew once had a thing for her, a friend who she may have had a thing for herself at one point but never even had went on a date with - actively avoided it even, if you thought about it. A friend, who she shouldn't have any feelings for that would call for her to be jealous when he got romantically involved with someone else.

A friend, she instead should be nothing less than happy for, after all the shit he had to go through in his life. She should be happy, that he finally had something good in his life, something that made him smile, something that made him happy. All she wanted was for him to be happy.

Will had commented that Spencer and you looked good together, that you made a cute couple. No matter who much that jealous part of her hated it, she had to agree.

That night at Rossi's she drank a couple more glasses of wine to flush out her confusing emotions than she maybe should have. When someone said something, she successfully played it off as being able to let go for an evening since her mother was watching Henry for the whole weekend. Luckily Will was okay with it, and even was pampering her the next day when she had a bad case of hangover.

After a short time, when JJ had sorted out her feelings, she really was happy for Spencer. So incredibly happy for him; that he had found his person. His safe haven. His forever.

And everyone could see it. That the two of you were perfect for each other.

She didn't think she had seen him this happy since... Ever, actually. Life had never been exactly easy on Spencer, but the last years had been especially rough for him. You were his rock when Gideon died, were there for him when his mom got worse and additionally stayed with her when he had to leave for a case after he took her in – oh, how much Diana loved you. You were the only person except for Spencer who she would let come close when she had an episode and was chasing the nurses away he hired. After he had been arrested in Mexico you as good as moved into his place to help (the nurse with) Diana. Whenever JJ came to visit her with the boys, she was amazed by the way you cared for Diana, so patient and understanding and affectionate, and how she would let you take care of her.

When Spencer had to go on mandatory leave after prison and the whole shit-show with Cat, JJ watched as you broke down the walls he had build around his heart in those three months he was locked away. She watched as you crumbled them down until you reached him again and then you gave him a new ground to build on, a ground back in safety and trust and love.

You broke his walls down, like JJ would never have been able to. Sometimes she wasn't sure if she could stand the fact, she just knew she should.

Back then, all those years ago when Spencer had sat down next to her on the jet with the Red Skin's tickets in his hand and asked her to go, she was scared. She knew that now, had realized it when Spencer and Penelope had been abducted by Meadows and the Messiah, when Emily spoke with her in the restroom and JJ was going crazy with worry about her best friends. Before, it had never really clicked for her, that maybe that was why she had invited Penelope to come with them to the game. Because a little voice in the back of her head had been whispering to her telling her to run, to turn away from him. She was scared of what could be, of what others might say and think.

Scared of hurting Spencer.

Deep down, she knew even back then, that she wasn't right for him.

And then, a year later, she met Will and the more serious their relationship got, the more any feelings for Spencer became platonic in nature. And it was good the way it was: working with each other, being friends. Maybe even something like best friends. It was enough.

She was happy with Will. She loved Will. She couldn't imagine life without him. The what if's and could have been's about Spencer hadn't been on JJ's mind in a very, very long time. Never really gone if she had to be honest, but not at the forefront of her thoughts all the same.

And since being honest was the keyword for today, here in this jewellery store forced with a gun pointing at her and Spencer and the other hostage, a rapid back and forth that could spiral more out of control with every passing second, the Truth she had to admit today, could change everything she had in her life.

"Truth." JJ swallowed after she said it and bit on the insides of her cheeks. Stand strong, show no fear; that was what she repeated in her head again and again, trying to fight of the raging panic that kept rising up in her chest ever since the guy had fired a warning shot in Spencer's direction just a moment ago.

"I want you to say something, you're afraid to say", the Unsub spat through gritted teeth. Saliva was pooling at the corners of his lips and the hand he was holding the gun in was shaking uncontrollably, “That you'd never tell anybody. And you better make it good!” He didn't take a step closer, he only shifted his weight from one foot to the other, but with the way he accentuated every word he was screaming with a movement of his hand, she felt like he was coming closer. Like he was placing the barrel of the gun closer to her body with every twitch, until he'd be able to press it right onto her sternum. “'Cause if it's not, it's gonna be the last thing you ever say!”

Her nostrils flared as she took a slow breath in, trying to calm her nerves enough to find an answer and to give him the answer without a waver in her voice.

“What's it gonna be?” This time when he shifted his weight, he did take a small step closer to her.

By the way her nose was aching and her eyes were burning she knew it would only be a matter of moments until the tears would fall. She blinked to keep the tears away a bit longer and avoiding eye contact with the Unsub, only looking at him for a second. When she answered, she cursed herself for how shaky her voice was. “There are only four people it trust in this world.”

“Boring”, he commented in a weird sing-sang before he pointed the weapon down and shot the Judge in the leg. The gun was immediately pointed back at JJ. “Next!”

The gunshot had drowned out the whimper she hadn't been able to hold back. And when the deadly attention was back on her, she immediately went back in to position - stand strong, show no fear. The second part almost wasn't manageable any more for her. “Uhm”, she let out, again racking her brain for an answer, something the would finally accept. What could she say? What was she willing to say?

“My, uhm.” The pained whimpers of the woman in front of her as she slowly slid down the cabinet distracted her, she wasn't sure if she was welcoming the distraction or not. JJ felt bad for even remotely feeling thankful that the woman was in pain. “My baby, I lost, I um-”, she looked around, first meeting the Unsubs gaze, then at a random point at the wall and back to him. The emotions bubbling up in her almost choked her and she had to clear her throat. She didn't want to tell him this, but she had to. “- wanted to name her Maggie.”

“BULL!”, he screamed and JJ jumped. “Come on, you can do better than that!” Again, waving the gun, closer and closer.

Spencer tried to get his attention and pull it away from her, calling out the Unsub's name. “Casey...!”

Now the gun was pointed at Spencers head. “SHUT UP!” And again with the uncontrolled waving and twitching. JJ felt like she couldn't breathe.

She jumped again when Casey suddenly was right in front of her, forcefully grabbing into the hair at the back of her head, pushing her down to her knees with the tight grip and possibly even pulling some strands out. “Okay, okay..”, she mumbled, whimpered. What could she say?

“Last chance! Something you'd never say aloud. Not even to your partner here.” For a moment he waved his gun at Spencer again. “Your deepest, darkest secret. Impress me, or I'll kill him.”

It was the first thing that came to her mind when the Unsub demanded this, and threatened Spencer's life. It was the only thing that fought its way through the panic. The panic that had clouded her mind for anything else but the need for survival. Hers. Spencers.

She couldn't hold back her tears any more. In a desperate attempt to catch Spencer's gaze, she darted her eyes to his direction. At the same time the guilt that was already coming over her and trying to pull her down, before she even said one word and it made her look away from him.

“COME ON!”

So she said it. Hoping, it would be enough to save their lives. Hoping, her fear of losing her best friend would stay just that. A fear. Hoping, that they would walk out of here alive and that nothing would change between them. That even after saying what she was about to say, they could go on like before, that they would be okay. Selfish as it was, JJ couldn't lose him. She just didn't know who she was without Spencer in her life. Her best friend, her confidant. Her fi-... She knew she should know it, that it made no sense to feel like this. But she couldn't help needing him.

With a shy look on her face, she turned to her friend, took a deep breath.

"Spence, uhm,” she started, shooting him a pained smile to ease his nerves and her own. And he looked at her, waiting for her to continue, with a sad but still vary and concentrated shimmer in his eyes. He was sitting weidly stiff and there was ovment in his shoulders but she wasn't able to focus on anything else than his face.

Or not, because JJ had to look away. She didn't think she could say this while directly looking at him. This was just too...

“I've always loved you", she admits, helplessly shrugging her shoulder as she said it. You meant more to me than anyone I loved before you, before Will.

It took Spencer a moment to understand, what she is saying. How she meant those three words, that they had said a lot of times to each other over the years, in a platonic way.

His eyes slightly widened when the words sink in. The true meaning behind them.

“And I wasjusttooscaredtosay it before.” Her words came out in a blur, almost undistinguishable. She exhaled and looked away, shook the hair out of her face with a quick motion of her head. And as she tried to bite back her tears,she scoffed. “And now, things are just”, the sob leaving her throat almost sounded like a laugh, “far too complicated to say it now.” I am married and have kids, my kids are your godsons. You have a girlfriend, the love of your life waiting for you at home. These are the things she didn't say, didn't need to say. Didn't want to say in front of everyone else in the room.

Maybe she did laugh. The situation was so absurd, so surreal. It almost didn't feel real if there wouldn't be this gun pointed at her.

With tears running down her face she forced herself to look at Spencer. “I'm sorry”, she breathed out. “But you should know.” In case I die here. In case you die here. I had to let you know.

He didn't give away what he was thinking or feeling, had closed off the expressions on his face after the initial shock. The whisper of a sad smile stretched his lips as an acknowledgement when she stopped talking.

The giggle the Unsub let out, made the bile rise into JJ's throat.

“Hot damn”, he laughed, switching between looking at her and Spencer. “That's what I'm talking about.”

Neither of them looked up at the man standing over them, caught in a silent conversation. Did I just destroy everything? - Don't worry. At least that was what she hoped he was saying with his eyes.

“Now those are some last words right there.” Could this guy please, please, please just stop waving the god damn gun around!?

For the fracture of a second, everything fell from JJ's shoulders. The guilt, the sorrow, the fear. She did it, her confessions had been enough. Worthy of saving them. Just when the muscles in her body relaxed, the gun was pointed back right in to her face, mere inches away. “But not good enough to safe your life!” Spit landed on her face.

JJ readied herself, even with the immense fear shooting through her whole body so harsh her body felt numb. The hole of the barrel drew her eyes to it, hypnotized her. For some reason, she started a countdown in her head.

Three, two – BANG!

Casey's legs gave out and he grunted as his weapon fell out of his hand and he helds his stomach. Then, he collapsed, his dead-weight body falling into the space between her and Spencer. Her brain had problems catching up after already checking out, after making some kind of peace with her immediate death.

She looked from the dead body, to Spencer and the gun in his hand, too stunned to ask or think about how he had managed to free his hands and where the gun came from.

They didn't speak a word to each other after their team burst in, there neither had been the time nor a fitting occasion to talk. They didn't speak until some time later in the evening, after the team made it back, just in time to get cleaned up and celebrate David's & Krystall's marriage.

When they finally shared some words when they both headed to the bar to get something to drink, they didn't talk long.

JJ was nervous. A whole lot of new what if's regarding Spencer were now on her mind. What if he hates me now? What if he wants nothing to do with me any more? What if he leaves me? She hated herself for being so selfish when the last one crossed her mind. She had been prepared to take this secret with her to her grave. But she had needed to say some thing real, something that would not only get the Unsubs attention, but also Spencers. Only then could she have made sure to get a chance at getting them out of there. She was sorry for spilling her secret, for doing this to him and burdening him with it. But now it was out an she couldn't take it back.

“So I, uh, I didn't get a chance to... say it back there, but...”, she started before saying anything else about her confession, having to start the conversation at least somewhere. “Thank you... for saving my life.” She smiled at him.

“You're welcome.” He nodded his head, a small smile stretching in his lips as well. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She laughed nervously. “So uh, Luke was right, two guns, huh? Since when have you been wearing an ankle holster?”

“Around the time I got out of prison”, Spencer smirked.

“Right.” JJ nodded, then quickly looked away, internally working herself up to get the next words out, the ones she so desperately wanted to ask him. “Look, uh, I... Are- are we, okay?” That was all she could hope for at this point. It was all she wanted. That they were okay.

He smiled at her reassuringly and nodded. “Of course.” His smile and the soft tone his voice held eased her nerves instantly.

She held back a sigh of relief and smiled. “Good.”

They fell silent as they wait, Spencer for his water and JJ for a glass of wine. She softly drummed the tips of her finger on the wood, before she turned around to find where you were standing. When your name fell from her lips Spencers eyes darted to you, not even having to search the room. Like a magnetic pull, something that just came natural to him, knowing where to find you. “She looks beautiful tonight.”

Spencer silently nods as his eyes roam your body, how the fabric of your outfit hugged itself around you. “Yeah”, he breathes out, almost inaudibly. “She is.”

The glass clinking as the drinks were served caught her attention and she turned to take hers into her hand. With her free hand she touched Spencers arm and squeezed lightly. Their gazes met and they shared a smile before she walked away.

Just when JJ got back to the table the music changed into a soft and slow tune. Will took the glass form her hand and pulled her away to dance with her. Happy, she leaned into him, and enjoyed the moment. Enjoyed being in his arms.

She couldn't help but look as Spencer and you found your way to other side of the dance floor. He pulled you so close to him, not even a sheet of paper would have had space between the both of you. He was smiling down at you as you were slowly swaying to the rhythm of the music together and you were smiling up at him just as bright. Lost in each others eyes. Every so often he would lift your intertwined hands from his chest up to plant a kiss to your knuckles, or he would brush the tip of his nose against yours before he stole a quick kiss from your lips. Not for one second losing the bright smile, that all but screamed that he was drunk on love.

Spencer was JJ's first love, and the first love is something special, something you can't just erase out of your heart as if it never had made it's home in there in the first place. He was a big piece of her heart and would always be. But she had never even dared to try and stand where you were standing now. By his side; as his partner, his equal. His other half. His forever.

Even if she wouldn't have Will and her two beautiful boys - and don't get me wrong, she wouldn't trade her life with her family for the world-, the way the two of you were clinging to each other right now, looking like you were deeply sunken into your own little universe where no one else existed; and so full of bliss and love for each other... There was no way she would destroy this, no way she would break you two apart.

There was nothing in the world that could break Spencer and you apart.

JJ couldn't hear what you were whispering about, she could only guess by the way you looked at each other and giggled occasionally. The longer you danced it seemed like you were melting into each other, merging your bodies and souls together to form one.

Emily's speech from earlier ringed in her ears then. Penelope says, that this was fate. That [their marriage] was in the stars. [They] are twin flames. Two souls, that are always meant to be together. […] The thing about twin flames is, that nothing can keep them apart.

It was similar to something she had heard Spencer himself say once: "There's an old Buddhist saying, that, when you meet your soulmate, […] the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making." She thought both descriptions were fitting for what you and Spencer had.

As she let her eyes linger on your swaying forms, she suddenly felt like she was intruding something personal and intimate, so she averted her gaze and turned her head away. She rested her cheek against her husbands chest as she faced the other way and closed her eyes. JJ hugged Will closer and as his own hold on her tightened he rested his chin on the crown of her head.

It wasn't fair that she loved Spencer. Because she loved Will and her two boys too. Her family had made her who she was. But so had Spencer.

It wasn't fair to anyone involved.

She had never meant to hurt him, never. She just wanted him to be happy. And you made him happy.

No matter who much she loves Spencer now, had loved him before and would continue to love him, she could never love him as much as you did; the woman who stood where JJ never even had dared to stand.,

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #ghosts can write #💜 s.r. #--- mismatched🧦

[downthe-f4ndom-rabbith0le]

The Way Back Home (Spencer Reid x Reader) - Epilogue

The Way Back Home (Spencer Reid x Reader) - Epilogue Reader Insert: she/her pronouns Word Count: 3707 Warnings: major angst, major fluff, mentions of murder, graphic descriptions of dead bodies, crime scenes, near-death experiences, slow-burnish romance, death, canon violence, rape, swearing, guns, knives, prostitution, canon cuteness of the team. Spoilers: Maeve's death, mentions of previous cases or canon events from seasons 1-10.

Spencer and you have an unspoken connection with one another. Nothing has ever happened between you two, especially since everything went down with Maeve, but your love has grown and overcome and is now clear as day to everyone. However, just when Spencer builds up enough courage to ask you out officially, you're requested on an undercover mission that halts your budding relationship in its tracks.

Months go by without a word from you until bodies of prostitutes start showing up in New York and the BAU is brought in to help. Spencer and you finally reunite as both your cases collide, but your lives and your love are both on the line now.

Will you and Spencer be able to find the way back home this time?

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Epilogue

~~~

The water ran hot against your skin as you lathered your body in soap. The bubbles formed quickly from how fast you scrubbed yourself. You didn't like taking showers. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. Showers were both simultaneously the best and worst part of your day since returning home from the hospital.

Your fingers barely brushed across your skin, swiping the soap over and back a few times before you washed it off. You didn't like the feel of fingers lingering too long on your skin. Objectively, you were much better than you were before. The first time the nurses tried showering you, you almost screamed the hospital down as flashbacks and phantom touches invaded your brain.

You turned the shower off and stepped out of it. You didn't look in your mirror, immediately reaching for a towel to cover yourself up with. The towel helped you feel less... vulnerable, even if you were all alone.

Only then did you look in the mirror. It had already been one month since you'd left the hospital after being cooped up in there for two weeks. Today actually marked the day you were told you had to leave for the mission - exactly one a year ago. You were now back in your old apartment in DC - Hotch had pulled in a favour from the FBI to keep paying your rent until you came back, and you had almost choked him to death with the strong hug you'd given him when the team had brought you home.

Home.

The word brought a smile to your face. Well, it wasn't so much the word as it was the images that came to mind with it. Your apartment, the BAU, the team, the Italian restaurant downstairs you always used to visit before you left. A certain genius with unruly hair and the brightest smile in the world...

After this weekend, I'll be seeing that smile everyday, you thought as you quickly dried off and rushed to pull some casual shorts and an over-sized gym t-shirt on. Just the thought of being exposed for too long freaked you out.

You walked out to your lounge room where you were greeted with the afternoon light that would no doubt be setting soon. For a moment, you just allowed yourself to take in your street, standing so close to your floor-to-ceiling window that if you leaned forward you would bump your nose against it. The golden light of the setting sun reflected in fragments off the windows of other apartments; people were already home from work and walking the streets with their loved ones or dogs. The hardware store across the road was closing up, but the lights for the Italian restaurant downstairs flickered on, telling the world they were ready for business.

It had been killing you to stay away from work - Hotch and Penelope had made it very clear they didn't want you anywhere near the office until you had taken your month off to recover and readjust back into life. But, in hindsight, you were glad they had. You'd found a new appreciation of where you lived, reacquainted yourself with what you liked to do and liked to eat and liked to go watch at the movies.

This past month had almost wiped Serena Vanderguff from existence... and you couldn't tell if you liked that yet or not.

A sudden knock at your door knitted confusion in your eyebrows as you looked curiously at the entrance to your home. You spared a glance at the clock hanging on the wall. What's someone doing here at quarter-to six on a Friday afternoon?

You softly padded over to the door and peeped through the spyglass that allowed you to see whoever it was that knocked at the door. You couldn't stop your wide smile of delight at who greeted you outside. Without wasting another second, you unlocked the multiple locks on your door and swung the blasted thing open to welcome the one and only Dr. Spencer Reid.

'Spence!' you exclaimed. 'What a lovely surprise!'

'Hey!' he replied just as enthusiastically. 'I was on my way home from the office and thought I'd stop by.'

It was only then you noticed he was holding a big and beautiful bouquet of your favourite flowers. 'Goodness, Spence, you didn't have to bring me flowers again.' He'd been bringing you flowers once a week every week since you'd been found. Even when you were still in the hospital, those two weeks he had brought you the same flowers, the ones you loved.

He just smiled that adorable smile of his before responding. 'I read somewhere that florals can produce a high level of endorphins and serotonin,' he explained as he offered them out to you, lips still upturned in a crooked, adorable smile. 'And ever since that sewerage pipe break in your building, there's always been a lingering smell that I thought you could use help covering up.'

'That was over a year ago, though!' you argued weakly, but took the flowers from his hands anyways. Your fingers briefly brushed, and it sent a jolt of electricity through you. It was gone as quickly as it came.

You gestured for him to come inside and he did. From your front door the kitchen was easily accessible, which is where he walked to and leant against the counter. You quickly closed the door and followed after him, heading straight for your flowers from last week sitting wilted in their vase.

'And in all that time, they still haven't managed to fix it,' Spencer added jokingly, but the upward pull of his lips wasn't as high now.

You heard what he really meant as you pulled out the dead flowers, filled the vase with fresh water, and placed the new flowers in. All that time...

A lot has happened in that time. Upon your release from the hospital, Khan had been put in jail alongside many of his goons. Madame Lacroix and the other New York club managers were found guilty of human trafficking and dealing in illicit drugs and contraband, and were all thrown in jail and their clubs were shut down. Turned out it was a national operation that Khan was running, and other units of the FBI in other states were currently hunting them all down.

What made you happy though was that the girls you saved were going home, and for those that didn't have homes, they were being found homes of their own. The older girls that worked at the clubs were a different story. Some packed up and left town, wanting to travel or find new work elsewhere. The rest bought up the clubs and were rebranding themselves, taking ownership of their lives. Now they were the ones in charge.

You looked at Spencer, leaning casually against your counter, the light of sunset haloing him as it reflected off the opposite building into your apartment.

And a lot still hasn't happened.

'So, what's the occasion?' you asked, turning to face Spencer, finally finished with the flowers. You crossed your arms and couldn't help the soft smile that pulled at you lips. 'To what do I owe the pleasure of the great Dr. Spencer Reid in my apartment this evening?'

He chuckled at my posh delivery, and the loose curls dangling across his forehead bounced with the sound. It had grown in the time since he'd found you, but he'd cut it once or twice since then to keep it at that perfect length of long-short - long enough to style gorgeously but short enough to be considered clean-cut and suitable for work.

The urge to rake your fingers through the curls itched at your fingertips, and you were so glad your hands were crossed under your armpits.

'I was meant to come in earlier this week like I usually do,' he started, pushing off the counter to wander past the kitchen and into the lounge, ultimately ending up looking out the window as you had been just before. 'But the amount of paperwork we've had piling up this month has been ridiculous, even I was starting to hate looking at endless towers of paper to read then sign.'

'Oh no,' I drawled out, following him to the window with a teasing smirk on my lips. 'Has the great Dr. Reid finally met his match?'

'Not quite,' he replied, still staring out the window.

It was hard not to look at him as the sunlight lit up his amber eyes,. He was simply... ethereal.

'I finished it all, finally,' he continued, 'and thought I'd pay you a visit. Seeing as it's Friday and there are no new cases, I'm not expected in the office tomorrow.'

I blew out a low whistle. 'Wow. A whole weekend to yourself? That's unheard of.'

'Yeah.' His voice was breathy, and you noticed the emotion in his gaze shift as he turned away from watching the world to look at you. A sad smile appeared on his lips, eyes glazing over with a mixture of relief and exhaustion. 'I've missed you.'

'You saw me last week,' you countered, like a mother placating a child. 'And we text and call like everyday.'

'I know. It's just like old times again, but...'

He paused, as if gathering his next words carefully. Spencer always thought about his words so that people understood him the best possible way. It was one of the things you positively adored about him.

'The office is, I don't know, empty somehow,' he said finally, slowly. 'I know that's a silly thing to say when Morgan and JJ and Penelope and everyone else is there, but... Your desk still sits there, waiting for you to come back. And I kept it clean for over a year, almost willing you to come back any of those days.'

You smiled softly at him. 'Well, you don't have to wait much longer. Monday morning, bright and early, I'll be at my desk ready to go.'

Your eyes met and you could tell he was holding back tears. Your words came out quiet but true. 'I've missed you too, Spence.'

You had always been attuned to each other, the team sometimes joking that you both shared the same brain cells (even though, as Spencer claimed continuously, that was not anatomically possible). The sentiment remained true as you and him reached out to one another and wrapped your arms tight around each other.

Reflexively, your breath caught in your throat, and you were thrown back to that night where Khan defiled you in the most brutal of ways.

Spencer noticed you tense, and he pulled back slightly. 'Is this okay?" he asked gently. He had been there when you had your meltdown at the nurses; he knew what Khan had done to you, and how you would never be same because of it.

His arms were warm and gentle around you, and that horrible memory disappeared. You were with Spencer. You were safe. You were home.

You took a moment to catch your breath, to stabilise yourself in the present once more, and pulled him in tighter. 'Yes. This is okay.'

After your permission, his arms tightened around you, and there you stayed for a while longer. Just hugging while the rest of the world passed you by. With your ear pressed to his chest, you knew both your hearts were beating in time with one another.

Synced. Linked. Two halves of a whole.

Your heart practically screamed for him when he and the team had found you, saved you. It had been screaming for over a month since that day, and you knew it would never stop screaming for him.

I would've said yes.

Neither of you had said anything about what you'd said, what you had confirmed. Everything had just happened so quickly, and then Spencer had been busy with work since the team was a man down until you returned.

You'd stolen what you could in your brief touches, the laughs you shared, the scent of the flowers that hung in your apartment for a week before he brought a new set. And despite all he had done to get you back, despite that night at the Chateau - What would you have said? - you'd just been too much of a coward to see if he still felt that way for you.

Because nothing had changed for you. It never would.

You had two days before your life would go back to semi-normal, and by then it would be too difficult, too complicated. Oh screw it, it's complicated already.

You pulled apart from Spencer, disentangling yourself from him completely. As much as you wished to hold him forever, you needed to have your space if you had any hope of finally getting the words out.

'Hey, you okay?' he asked, noticing your tensed form, your fidgety fingers.

'Yeah, I just...'

You took in a deep breath, closed your eyes, and let out that breath. Now or never, Y/N.

Opening your eyes, you spoke. 'I just don't think I've ever thanked you for checking in on me. I know how busy you can be.'

'There's no need,' he replied, a soft smile adorning his face. 'I'll always come to your aid. You're... so dear to me, Y/N.'

Hope sparked in your chest, the only driving force for you to keep speaking. 'I mean it. You literally saved my life in the Warehouse. I had resigned myself to my fate: that I would never see you or Pen or Derek or JJ or the rest of the team again. I knew you'd find me, but I had made peace with dying before that point.'

You sucked in a steadying breath as the dark memories started to claw their way back into your brain, into your heart. Phantom fingers ghosted over your skin, causing you cross your arms again in attempt to protect yourself from them.

'And then Khan... used me,' you managed to get out, words strained and voice croaky as tears formed at the rim of your eyelids.

Spencer's expression turned into one of concern. 'You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, Y/N,' he offered, amber eyes scanning me all over for signs that I would breakdown.

I shook my head. 'No. I need to tell you this. I need you to understand.'

'Understand what?'

'That this past month I have had to learn to re-love myself again, to re-love my body and what it did for me that day.' I forced my arms down beside me, opening myself up completely to Spencer. 'It hasn't been easy, and sometimes... I've hated myself, instead. And the scars run deeper than my skin shows and may last for a long time - possibly for the rest of my life.'

You tell yourself to be brave for a moment, and you look directly into Spencer's eyes, which shine with unshed tears and something else you can't quite figure out.

'But you... Dr. Spencer Reid,' you started, tears finally falling from your eyes as the brightest smile spread across your face. 'You have made me believe in hope again. Hope, that I might one day be rid of this hatred for myself and my body. Hope, that I can carry this trauma and still live a full life. Hope, that I can be more than what Walter Khan made of me that night.'

A hysterical chuckle escapes you, and you wipe some of the tears away. There was a silent voice in the back of your head saying how ridiculous you are for crying over this. But that voice was all of hatred, of jealously. It has been the voice you've let dictate your feelings for over a month.

But, today, you were done listening to it.

'Hope, that... you love you me as much as I love you, Spencer.'

There, you said it. Relief bombarded the space where the weight of those words had held a huge place in your heart for the longest time. Since before the mission, before Maeve, before you even knew you were in love with him. It was out there, now. There was no going back.

Spencer remained silent, staring at you like you had three heads. Slight panic coursed coldly through you, and suddenly your mouth was motoring, words just flying out one after the other.

'That's not me asking you to say it back or anything. I just... oh my goodness, screw it. I have been in love with you forever, Spencer, and I just wanted to let you know because you have taken up such a huge part of my heart that will never belong to anyone else, and-'

'You love me?'

You paused at Spencer's question, locking eyes with the boy genius and seeing a mixture of disbelief and that same emotion again, the one you couldn't put a finger on. Perhaps it was terror, and that one thought had your heart sinking like the Titanic.

'Yeah,' you replied quietly.

'...How long?'

'Sorry?'

'How. Long.'

You rubbed at your eyes, suddenly avoiding his gaze by looking simply anywhere else. It was all going so horribly wrong. But he'd asked a question. And you would do anything, answer anything, if he asked.

'I think I've loved you since the day I met you,' you said, and it was only when you'd spoken the words did you realise how cliche you sounded. A humourless laugh escaped you at your misery.

'I didn't realise until a few years later, though,' you continued. 'But by the time I did, I found out you had a secret girlfriend in Maeve and you were just so happy I couldn't possibly ruin what we had because of that. And I never tried after because you were grieving and I didn't want you to think I was rushing you or pushing you too soon. But then you asked me, and I was so happy, but then it all just went downhill from there. Goodness, this is all coming out horribly wrong-'

'Stop talking.'

'Wha- Mph!'

Your question was swallowed by Spencer Reid's lips as he cradled your face in his hands and pulled you to him, pressing his lips passionately against yours. He tasted like Halloween sweets and fresh air, and that just made you close your eyes and melt into him more. The kiss wasn't frantic. Rather, it was sweet and loving and you couldn't get enough of him. Even as you weaved your fingers into his luscious hair and tugged on them gently, eliciting a deep growl of approval and want from deep within him.

As he kissed you, your doubts faded away, leaving only your love for another that could not be any clearer now. As he kissed you, another mental, emotional scare healed and vanished.

You both finally pulled apart, heaving for breath as your noses brushed one another's. When you looked up at his eyes, you finally recognised the mystery emotion that had been burning ever since he'd stepped into your apartment.

A relieved, genuinely happy smile split his lips wide as tears of joy ran down his cheeks. His thumb swept over your own tears, causing you both to chuckle at your silliness.

'If you hadn't guessed already,' he said, his words only for you, 'I love you, too. I know that's an odd thing to say before you even date someone, but I do, and I have for a while even if I didn't know it before. I'm just so so sorry for making you wait, for being an ignorant, stupid coward.'

You brought your hands up to wipe away his own tears, heart immensely full for the man in front of you. 'Dr. Spencer Reid stupid? Now you're just making stuff up. I thought you didn't do that.'

That pulled a laugh from him, and he pulled you into another hug, this time more bone-crushing. As if he couldn't express how much he loved you enough. You hugged him back just as desperately though. It seemed as though you shared the same sentiment.

In another moment of bravery, you spoke over his shoulder where your chin rested. 'You know... my answer still stands. That is, if your offer still stands.'

Dr. Spencer Reid. Are you asking me out on a date right now?

Spencer pulled away from the hug, with the biggest smile on his face. 'It will always stand for you, Y/N. Always.'

What do you say, SSA Y/N L/N? Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

It was you this time that pressed a bruising kiss on Spencer's lips, the kiss being answer enough for what you had been holding onto for exactly a year.

Sweet, sweet music wafted up from downstairs, the faint sound of a beautiful violin sparking an idea in your head. You forced yourself to pull away from Spencer and said, 'I know a great Italian restaurant that is super close, by the way.'

'Sounds perfect,' Spencer replied, kissing you quickly again before crouch and picking you up by your underarms and twirling your around in the air. Laughter echoed through your apartment as you clung to him but also rejoiced at the feeling of flying. For the first time in over a year, you were finally feeling like yourself again.

Spencer eventually put you down, saying, 'As much as I find you the most beautiful girl in the world, I don't think t-shirt and shorts are going to cut it downstairs.'

'Oh. Right.' You quickly dashed into your room and put on something more suitable.

And finally, one year after being asked out, Spencer held your hand in his and took you downstairs to have your date, where you both had the best night you'd had in a long time. It might've taken a few twists and turns to get to where you both belonged: with each other. But as you ate your pasta, drank your wine, danced with and laughed with and kissed Spencer, you realised it had only made your bond stronger, that it had been worth it.

You'd finally found your way back home.

#spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x self insert #aaron hotch hotchner #spencer reid #slowburn #jennifer jareau #jason gideon #derek morgan #david rossi #angst #romance #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfic #criminals minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminalminds #criminal minds #alex blake #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #kate callahan #aaron hotchner #friends to lovers

[anothermansjeans]

idk how you feel about songfics but i’m obsessed w tswift’s dbatc rn and i’m just thinking about spencer reid having a secret relationship that he leaves bc he’s afraid his so will be killed by an unsub but his so is like a local singer and garcias a huge fan and is like omg this song is so beautiful and sad happy ending or angst ending doesn’t matter i just think that song encompasses how i would feel if i loved and lost reid sorry for rambling anywayyy

i am a woman on a mission and ik you just requested this but as soon as i saw it i got immediate inspo

i also have a hotch x reader fic called death by a thousand cuts BUT i had to do this one as well 🫶 also i’m so sorry if it’s shit i’m so tired lmaoooo

I Can’t Pretend It’s Okay When It’s Not

spencer reid x fem!reader

When Penelope gushed about a local musician she absolutely adores playing at the cafe she visits frequently and forced the entirety of the BAU team to tag along, she forgot to mention what Spencer would deem the most important piece of information— her name.

At first, when they walked into the coffee shop already a couple songs in due to the team's later arrival (much to Penelope’s dismay), Spencer wasn’t completely aware of the angelic voice completing beautiful melodies. His main focus being on getting coffee into his system asap, while he was up at the counter, he tuned it out almost completely— again, almost. The moment he heard her speak was a completely different story.

“Um, so this is a new song…” the woman on the small five inch high stage started, “I actually wrote it a couple weeks ago after a very… difficult time in my life… a time I’m still actually going through, but I hope you guys have it in your heart to give it a listen with open minds. This is Death by a Thousand Cuts.”

Spencer slowly walked back over to the team, eyes wide and fixed on the woman he believes is the love of his life. The only problem being he has no right to call her his anymore.

Soft strumming of the guitar began, with low my’s being sung, and he heard a soft gasp come from his left. “Oh, this is gonna hurt,” Penelope said, one hand placed on her chest while the other hugged around her body.

“Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk, but it's not enough

'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

Chandelier's still flickering here

'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not

It's death by a thousand cuts”

Not even a minute in and Spencer feels as though he’s been stabbed through the heart. It’s difficult hearing it from her perspective. When he made the decision to end what they had, it was out of protection— it was so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the burdens of his job.

“I dress to kill my time

I take the long way home

I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right

They say, "I don't know"

And what once was ours is no one's now

I see you everywhere

The only thing we share

Is this small town”

“You said it was a great love

One for the ages

But if the story's over

Why am I still writing pages?”

Spencer thinks back to their love story, back to when it began and the blissful moments, the rendezvous’, and the unasked questions about why they only ever had real dates inside and why no one on the team or anyone with any semblance of importance in Spencer’s life knew of them.

He thinks back to how happy she was, and how she was content with just being with him. How when her eyes lit up the first time he said he loved her, but also the dim the second he ended things.

He thinks about the nightmares he thought were over. How instead of Maeve being the victim it was now her. How if it wasn’t for those nightmares, the onslaught of “what-if’s” wouldn’t plague his mind. How if he had a less dangerous job, a job that didn’t take every ounce of life or happiness out of him, he would and could still be with her.

And as he thinks of these things, he suddenly becomes aware of the blazing eyes that had locked with his, and a tiny gasp is heard from the microphone before she starts playing with more vigor.

“My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united we stand

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans”

It hurt. So much. And it was clear it wasn’t only him because each word she sang was aimed to puncture him. The tears brimming in her eyes were also evident. To anyone else, her words are curated from past

memories from someone who hurt her, but to Spencer, it was a message. A message that every single part of their relationship was taken into account while writing this song. A message that everything they’ve ever said or done had been tainted with the memory of him leaving her with no explanation.

“My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Trying to find a part of me you didn't take up

Gave you too much but it wasn't enough

But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts”

He watches as she screws her eyes shut, and the sharpness of her words becomes duller as she sings on. He knew he fucked up the moment he walked out of her apartment the night he ended it, but he has never regretted it more than now. He misses her. He misses smiles, the laughter, the unconditional love that radiates from her. He would do anything to get that back.

He doesn’t realize he’s standing there, staring at her in awe mixed with sadness until applause is heard throughout the cafe and Penelope lets out a small “so sad and and beautiful,” while wiping under her eyes. He also doesn’t realize that after she announces a small break that he was walking up to her in a daze, the entire team behind him eyes wide with shock.

He also doesn't realize the first words he speaks to her are what they both longed to hear between the two for weeks.

“I miss you so much.”

She’s shocked to say the least. She’s completely speechless to the point where he begins to speak again due to the lack of words on her side.

“I’m an idiot— I’m, I’m so stupid. You’d think with an IQ of 187 I would be able to not make decisions like leaving the one woman I love the most in the world. Y/N, I swear I thought I was keeping you safe because with me and my job, that’s not always a guarantee, but listening to you and what you’re going through, I can’t— I know it wasn’t the right thing to do—”

“Spencer,” she finally cut him off, placing her hand on his arm and shifting her eyes to the people behind him who had been standing with him. “Later, okay? You can tell me everything later when we aren’t surrounded by a bunch of people.” The look in her eyes was genuine, but there was still hurt swimming in them. He wanted to say something, anything to ease it, but before he could open his mouth she grabbed the acoustic guitar and gave him a small smile. “And I miss you too,” she said before walking back up on the small platform and adjusting her mic.

While introducing her next song, Spencer slowly made his way back to the group who were going to ask the inevitable questions, but that didn’t stop the small smile from making its way to his lips, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, they won’t have to pretend to be okay anymore.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #dr spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #anne marie answers

[chaosology]

somebody else

— spencer reid x reader

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) /fem!reader

genre: angst part ii here | masterlist

content warnings: none? just bad writing, this is my first post :)

summary: heartbroken over maeve’s death, spencer snaps at the reader who happens to be in love with him, causing her to rethink her relationship with the resident genius

At only 24, Y/N had managed to become the youngest surgical intern at her hospital. She skipped grades and spent years of intense study in university completing her degree, all while juggling a psych class on the side. She had only taken it for fun of course, it was an interesting subject but it wasn't as hands on as the the thrills of surgery. Naturally, she had graduated top of her class with "record breaking" high marks, setting a scary new standard for the generations to come.

Half way through her intern year she was approached by FBI representatives, who were combing through the top 1% of potential candites. They assured her that the unit's headquarters were local and that she could come to the hospital three to four days a week, but would assist a team in tracking down and analysing potential criminals (or 'UnSubs" as the man so vehemently stressed). She was cautious at first, but they promised that it would look great on resumes and she could back out at any time. Eventually, she caved and agreed. Her friends and collegues at the hospital all supported her - after all, this was a once in a lifetime oppurtunity.

Before she was introduced to her new team, she was sent letters instructing her of what was expected. She was to complete a certain amount of hours at the gym, complete a fire arms assessment, a physical and a mental competency test. Probably to make sure I'm not a serial killer, she thought, but wouldn't that be ironic? She passed them all with flying colours (as to be expected) and was sent an email inviting her to an introductory dinner with the group. Whether they did this for everyone she didn't know, but she hoped they would welcome her with open arms and notthink less of her because of her age.

Immediatly when she met them she knew they were good people. They were walm and close and all around comforting . The biggest shock of all, however, was the young doctor Spencer Reid. She had never expected someone so close to her age to be working alongside her. She had heard about him from one of her professors in med school, who raved about one of his dissertations from Caltech. She never bothered to read it of course (who really cares about engineering, anyway?) but had always thought about the boy who had managed to capture the attention of her famously cold hearted teacher. She had assumed he would be cold, arrogent and stuck up, but instead her was awkward and clumsy. He told nerdy jokes that made only him laugh and treated her as an equal from the moment they met. From then on, she was consumed.

She eventually fell into a groove while working two jobs, balancing both her lives while simultaneously falling harder and harder for the boy who worked across from her. At first she thought it wasn't mutual, but as time passed she picked up on how he would often stay late to escort her to the bus stop and make sure to text to see if she was home safe. Or when he bought Doctor Who movies and sugary foods when she lost a beloved patient at the hospital. Or when he let her cry in his arms on the jet after a particurly tough case. She had overheard from Penelope that this was particurly unusual for the boy genius, who tended to avoid contact when possible (and if he did hug, there had to be a lot of years of trust and friendship built up mutually). When she pieced it all together, a thrill was sent through her body. Did he really like her back?

She never really had much luck with love. In eighth grade she recieved a rose on valentine's day in her locker from the boy she liked. As it turns out, he got the locker number wrong and intended it for her best friend. There was also her first year of college, where the boy she met on the orientation day insisted on walking her to and from all her classes. She brought him back for family Christmas and then noticed how he gravitated towards her older sister, wanting to hear all about her, leaving Y/N to sit at the table next to cousins she hadn't spoken to in months. It was always like this. A few months ago she thought she could pursue something with an attending at her hospital. He was a neurosurgeon that she clicked instantly with, but then she walked past the on-call room and heard him in an arguement with his girlfriend. Of course he was in a relationship, she had thought. Just her luck.

But of course, they didn't matter now. Spencer could be her everything. She knew it was important for the significant others of agents to understand the demand of their job, whic she did! They understood each other and would look at each other when they though the other wasn't watching. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, but the more time they spent together the more she thought about their future. Maybe he would shyly ask her on a date while they sat through a movie marathon. Myabe he would pick her up from the hospital at the end of her shift and tell her all about his day, his hand resting on her thigh while they sat at the traffic lights. Maybe he would grab her hand while they sat at the table where they first met and get down on one knee, asking her that one important question. Maybe he would tell her about the toxic properties in the paint she flicked it at him as they painted the bedroom the same light purple as his favourite shirt. Maybe, she thought. It had to be coming soon, his not-so-subtle glances were becoming even more obvious.

But then it slipped. It always slipped.

She first noticed his distraction while she told him all about the surgery she performed that day. Usually he would nod animatedly and interrupt to tell her a fact that even she didn't know. But as they stood outside the hospital entry (he offered to carpool every thursday), she couldn't help but wonder why he kept looking over at the payphone across the road. Maybe it was a one off? A tough day in the FBI isn't unheard of afterall, she thought. However, he continued his strange behaviour all the drive home. Uncomfortable silences followed by some unprompted facts about genetecists and their work. When he dropped her off outside her door, he told her he could no longer go through with their Thursday rituals. Something about scheduled phone calls, he said. He didn't make eye contact, either.

After a while, it was just her stealing the glances. She could no longer feel his gaze burning into the back of her head. When she would look at him, he was always smiling down fondly at his copy of 'The Narrative of John Smith'. In fact, he was always smiling. It was that same lovestruck smile she would recognise on herself when she looked in the mirror. A smile that definitley wasn't for her.

It was a windy day when Derek had finally called him out on it. The "Hey pretty boy, who's painted that smile on your face?" ringing out in the almost empty bullpen. She stiffened, looking up from her coffee and notes on the desk while discretely eavesdropping. "It's... It's nobody. Well, not nobody. Her name is Maeve. But don't say anything about it." He had whispered back. She had cracked. Her vision blurring the paper below her as she slowly stood and excused herself to the bathroom. Nobody had noticed her leaving.

She was the other girl. The somebody else.

She had always been a sacraficial person, which explained why she tearily offered herself as hostage instead of the beautiful Maeve Donovan. Like in eighth grade, when she sadly handed the rose back to her best friend. After all, she just wanted her to be happy. Or when she told her boyfriend to “go for it!” with her sister, even when they were still in a relationships. More than anything, she wanted the people around her to be happy. And as a doctor, she had a responsibility to keep those around her alive. So she threw herself in front of Spencer and towards the two women, landing unsteadily as she pleaded and cried. She couldn’t even here what she was saying, all the words a blur among the tears and rush of adrenaline. But what she dreaded most came next. The shrill cry of a bullet, the thud as Spencer fell to his feet in tears. Y/N stood still as time stopped. She looked around the room, feeling her breaths shorten by the second as the room started spinning. And then it all went black.

She had heard from JJ that he was ignoring everyone’s calls, only taking in gift baskets once he was sure the owner had left. In typical Spencer fashion, he was bottling himself and his feelings up. Surely for a man of his intelligence he knew it had to be a bad idea. She cared too much about him to let him suffer alone, and while she knew that facing him would cause her grief, she just had to see him. She knocked slowly on his door, calling out a soft “Spencer... It’s me. Y/N.” There was no answer, so she hesitantly took his spare key from his pocket and clicked open the door.

The apartment was dark, but she could still make out his figure wallowing on the couch. He was sitting upright surrounded by pillows and tissue boxes. There was the faint sound of the tv in the background, though she couldn’t make out what was on. “Spence... hey”, Y/N muttered. Her hand running up along the couch and onto the back of his neck. “Look, I know things are awful. And I can’t offer much, but if you need someone to cry on, to sit in silence with, I’m here. I know how it feels to live someone you love”. Her voice broke over the last few words but he didn’t notice. Or if he did, he didn’t care. “She was amazing, Spence. Just let us help you. We can do whatever you want, just let us in... Please?”

He stayed silent. And as her hand started to move up his back, he snapped.

“Let you in? Let you in so you can do what? Get Maeve killed. You’ve done enough already, Y/N. Leave.” He yelled, standing up with enough force to send her scampering back. He was never the kind of guy to have a temper, and the slightest raise of his voice sent Y/N into a spiral. “It wasn’t the team that got her killed, Y/N. It was you”. The way he spit her name brought tear to her eyes, as if she was disgusting and worthless. “You walked in without backup. You, with no experience in negotiation. It’s like you wanted her dead.”

“Spencer, you know I would nev-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Y/N! Her blood is on your hands, her parents lost a daughter because of you. It should’ve been you.”

“Please, Spence, you don’t mean that. You’ll work yourself up over it later, just please-”

“I do mean it. I wish it was you. Now leave”

“Spence-”

“Enough. Just leave. You’re no longer welcome here. You’re nothing to me.”

She had tried so hard to keep it together, but the venom behind his words was too much for her to take. She sobbed, grabbing her keys and walking towards the door. He had made himself clear.

“And on your way out, leave the keys. I don’t want you coming by again, Y/N.”

She paused, not daring to look back as she dropped them next to his wallet on the chest of drawers. She left without a word, holding it together until she got to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed she let out a loud sob, her hand coming to her mouth in an attempt to stay quiet. She knew he didn’t mean it, that he was overcome by grief and anger that was bottled up for too long and she just happened to be the victim. In a way, maybe it was better it was her so the others didn’t get their feelings hurt. It cut like glass, the way he referred to her as if she was so worthless. It cut deep.

Spencer had lost his love. And she had just lost hers.

She sniffled her way home and collapsed on the couch. She was too sad to cry, too tired to be angry. She almost felt nothing. She slept a dreamless sleep, feeling time pass her by as she later motionless in the dark room. It was peaceful in some ways.

When she awoke the next morning, she made sure to get there early. She marched straight into Hotch’s office and turned in her resignation. He could sense something was wrong but didn’t want to crack her already fragile state. When she was done clearing out her desk, the others had started to arrive. She embraced them all and promised to keep in touch. It had been an eventful few months she had told them, but it was time for her to go back to the hospital where she belonged. After all, it sounded better than “the man I love just shattered my heart into a million pieces by telling me I should have died, and now being around you all makes me physically sick.”

She looked back to her empty desk as the elevator doors shut. Maybe one day she would see Spencer again, when they were both healed, but for now she just had to grieve.

​

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another. — Thomas Merton

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fluff

[strawbeerossi]

I seen that you write angst and I have an idea to share with you because of some personal things that I went through with my own family.

Do you think you can write something about fem!reader and Spencer finding out that one of their children has leukemia? Maybe with death involved to show how intricate this situation can affect families? I know it’s a very loaded topic so I completely understand if you don’t wanna do it but I think you’d master the topic beautifully based off of your angst writing. ❤️

I hope you’re doing alright today, Tay

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss, lovebug. I hope I do this justice and thank you for trusting me with this topic. My DMs are open if you ever need to talk. 🩵

And I'm good today, thank you, honey.

Vilomah: Bereaved Parents

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Description: After their son succumbs to his illness, the Reid parents have to navigate the grieving process together along with the team who are there to help.

Content Warning: Child death, leukemia, details about a hospital stay, extreme grief after loss, a child’s funeral, parental grief, mentions struggles with eating, spousal argument, lots of tears, descriptions of feeling empty and depression, the team is there for the Reids, spousal comfort, hurt/comfort.

Word Count: 3.3K

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I cried like a baby writing this. I hope I captured what you were looking for anon.

“Memories saturate my heart and the story of you spills from my eyes.” – Grace Andren

There were many horrors that Spencer faced in his line of work; murderers, rapists, cannibals, the lot of it. He was also faced with grief more often than not, losing Maeve and Gideon being the two most notable times where he was forced to face the fact that everybody dies at some point, no matter who they are. 

That wasn’t enough to prepare him for the cruelest thing life had to throw at him. Benjamin was diagnosed with leukemia when he was just two months shy of four-years-old, more specifically it was Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. 

The first few months were seemingly okay. He was responding well with the treatment, his little body growing stronger with each passing day. There were plenty of ice cream days to celebrate whenever Ben could function as good as he could before the cancer. Not to mention all the gifts his aunt Penelope would send.

There was hope, so much hope that Y/N and Spencer didn’t let the thoughts of losing their son loom over their head.

That was until he got sick again, this time much worse. It happened suddenly, Ben went from eating some fruit snacks and watching a movie to losing consciousness and growing pale. Spencer never thought he could get home faster than what he did when he got the phone call. Emily sent him home immediately after hearing the news, telling him to get home to his family and that she would check in.

The next few weeks were spent in the hospital, the bright lights being harsh on the eyes of the sore eyes of the Reid parents. Y/N didn’t sleep but for a few hours a night, any small movement or sound from Ben or his machines waking her up. Spencer had grown to not sleep for that long, surviving off maybe an hour a night and ten cups of coffee to push forward the following morning.

However, the suffocating realization of the inevitable was starting to soak in. Spencer wanted nothing more than for his son to make a recovery but as a man of science, that hope dissipated as he noticed the signs. People got better before death, so whenever Ben was showing all the signs of surging, it was enough to kill Spencer.

Even after they had a conversation with their doctor, the woman telling them that surging typically happens one to two days before death, it was like Y/N wouldn’t take that. She would say that he was fine, that he was healing. 

It was denial. 

The day they lost him was the hardest of them all. The air was suffocating that morning, there being a bitter winter chill. Spencer had gone to work, as usual. There was a case, one about a man who was killing women who resembled his birth mother after she rejected him from her life. He was distracted, like any father on the verge of losing his child would be.

He knew he shouldn’t have gone to work but he was losing his mind, being overwhelmed with the knowledge of the inevitable. He liked to think that if he and Y/N didn’t discuss it, it wasn’t real. As a man of science, he knew the risks of believing something like that.

Still, he gave himself false hope. 

However, his heart stopped beating for a split second as he could feel his phone buzzing, the world freezing around him as he couldn’t hear the others around him. He knew what this call was. It took JJ shaking Spencer’s shoulders to snap him out of his thoughts. “I have to go.” 

Making it to the hospital, he dreaded going inside. However, he was running through the hospital doors not bothering to check in at the front desk as he was going as fast as his legs could carry him to reach his son’s hospital room. 

Judging by the heart wrenching screams of agony from his wife on the other side of the door, Spencer knew what to expect as his shaking hand was opening the hospital door. The sight of his wife cradling their son was enough to make him drop to his knees. 

The nurses and doctors looked at the small family, feeling the sting of heartache as they’d gotten to know the Reid’s over the past year.

Spencer’s legs were like jelly, the tears cascading his face being enough where he was sure he could fill up the hospital room in tears, enough to drown in. They were able to stay as long as they wanted to, even if it was hours later. 

“Do you have his blanket?” Y/N asked, voice raw from the screaming and uncontrollable sobbing from before. “I don’t want him to get cold..” She whispered, looking at their son who looked like he was sleeping against his father’s chest. “In the bag.” The words were shaky, the father keeping his son close while letting his forehead rest against Benjamin’s smaller one.

After they were laying the little boy down again, Y/N was slowly putting the blanket over the child before she was leaning down to kiss his forehead, which had begun to grow cold from the hours his parents took to say goodbye. The parents clung to one another as they were being forced to walk out of the hospital. 

After that, their life lost all its color. Waking up to an alarm rather than to a happy little boy jumping on their bed just wasn’t the same. There was no laughter in the house, no warmth. The atmosphere was just as cold as the weather outside. No matter how many days that Penelope came over with baskets filled with small goodies to try and lift their spirits, or how Luke would come by to check in and bring food over that the two parents just couldn’t stomach.

The day of the funeral was when every ounce of denial was fizzing away. Next came anger. Y/N was moving a bit slow, honestly not wanting to rush and be greeted with the sad looks of their friends and family. Spencer was ready twenty minutes prior, wanting to rush the grieving process and just accept everything immediately, even if it was impossible.

“Please hurry up.” His voice was laced with irritation, making wife look up from her shoes as she was playing with the strap. “I am hurrying..” She spoke softly, a frown on her face as she slowly got the shoes on. “You don’t have to have an attitude, by the way.” 

That was the start of something ugly.

“Well, you don’t have to take thirty years and expect Benji to walk through the door.” The words were deep cutting, very uncharacteristic of the loving man she married.The words had his wife stunned in place, her mouth falling open. “You don’t have to be an asshole and keep reminding me of where we are going.” She spat, moving to brush her hair back before standing.

“You can’t keep acting like things are going to change. He’s gone, Y/N. No matter how bad we want him back, we will never get him back.” They were growing angry at one another at the wrong time. Before the yelling could start, there was a soft knock on the door. With a soft sigh, Spencer was turning around and heading to the sound of the soft knocking. 

The sight behind the door was enough to make his heart clench. There was Derek, the man offering a sad smile. “Hey, kid. I came to pick you two up. How’s the missus doing?” He asked, chuckling as Spencer was rushing to tightly hug his best friend, his hand slowly patting the younger male’s back. “Hi Derek.” Y/N offered a weak smile once she was closing the bedroom door. 

“Hey mama.” His voice was soft and careful, heading over to wrap his arms around the woman before kissing her cheek. “I was thinking that after everything, we could all go out to lunch.” He wasn’t stupid, he could tell that the two parents were neglecting themselves, he’d talked to the team. 

This was a sensitive time, so he understood. However, he wasn’t going to sit idly by either. He’d be damned if he let them both slowly waste away. Benjamin sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted that. 

“I don’t know, Derek. I don’t think I can deal with everyone looking at us with pity. You know how many people have told me that they hugged their babies tighter because of this situation? It hurts. Not nearly as helpful as people think..” The woman spoke while slowly rubbing her face.

“It’ll just be us. The team, our family.” He attempted to coax both parents, the two not being able to get out of it in the end.

The three eventually made it to the graveyard where they were confronting the one thing that they didn’t want to face. The Reids were approaching the plot that they’d purchased for the family, Y/N having to collect herself at the sight of the coffin waiting by the open plot. 

“There you two are,” Penelope looked like she’d been sobbing already, her arms wrapping tightly around both parents. That was where the floodgates broke, both of them tightly clutching onto the blonde enough to suffocate her. 

The ceremony was beautiful, despite the flood of tears and pain deep in the chests of all that were closest to the child who they were laying to rest. It was something honorable, Benji even having his uncle Aaron there to say a final goodbye. Even surrounded by love, there was still an emptiness, a void that would never be filled. 

What came next made things worse, the parents having to say goodbye as soon as the casket was being lowered in its plot, Y/N and Spencer wrapped up in one another’s embrace while their hands were clutching each other’s clothing. The wife was letting her head rest against her husband’s shoulder, their tears soaking one another’s clothes and hair.

It was just them now, with the ghost of their sweet angel who would keep a watchful eye over his parents, whether they knew it or not.

Dave was approaching the parents, his hand resting on Spencer’s shoulder as he cleared his throat to catch their attention. “I want you both to know that I will be here for you both, always.” David Rossi, the father of the team, it seemed. As well as being uncle Dave to all the kids, Benji included. 

“I heard that you two agreed to come to lunch.” He spoke softly, eliciting a small smile from Y/N. “We are.” She said softly, truly unable to say no to him. “We are having it in my backyard. Why don’t you two ride with me?” He suggested, making both Spencer and his wife look at one another.

They weren't getting out of this, so they complied and followed behind David.

The only problem was that so many amazing things happened in that backyard, Benji’s baby shower being one of them.

“Baby Reid is getting so big,” JJ gushed, her hand on Y/N’s swollen bump as the woman laughed in content. “Isn’t he? He’s also been kicking the hell out of my ribs, I feel like he's punishing me.” Y/N joked.

Finding out that she was pregnant was the best thing that ever happened. Of course, there were jokes of Spencer and Y/N not even waiting a year after they got married before she was already pregnant.

It was funny, really. Spencer was highly convinced that the baby was conceived on the first week of their honeymoon, the two being a little too into that talk while they were in the middle of sex, the filthy words of her being swollen with his baby becoming literal.

Diana was thrilled the moment that she saw her son and his wife on one of their visits, the woman being more thrilled at the prospect of her little Spencer having a child of his own. She would say that she knew before they even told her. 

“Mothers always know, Spencer. We are animals, we can feel things.” Were her exact words, something that she said Y/N would understand one day.

“Bella!” David smiled, the term of endearment being a newer one that he used for Y/N after the pregnancy, something about how she looked gorgeous because she was glowing. It was sweet, she had to admit it. “Hi, David.” Y/N grinned, her arms wrapping around the older man in a hug before she was pulling away. “You and Penelope did a beautiful job, by the way!”

Almost as if she were summoned, the bubbly blonde was hurrying over to flash a smile. “There you are my gorgeous girl! How are you feeling?” She asked, her hand cautiously rubbing her baby bump once Y/N gave her the okay.

“I’m doing good, actually. This boy is gonna be the death of me though. I was craving dirt the other day.” Her nose crinkled. “Weirdness. However, this baby is a Reid so that’ll explain it better than anything else.” Penelope joked. 

“It’s actually more normal than you might think. One theory links pica cravings to iron deficiencies. Another theory suggests these cravings develop as an adaptive response to the way the immune system changes during pregnancy.” Spencer smiled while letting his arms wrap around his wife from behind, his lips pressing a kiss to her cheek before his hands were coming underneath the heavy bump, lifting it up gently to take some of the pain from his wife’s back.

It was enough to make the woman sigh of relief as her head was tilted back against his shoulder. “You are such a lifesaver.” She breathed while briefly closing her eyes. 

Spencer was attentive and loving, paying attention to her much more after the pregnancy was discovered.

This was a dream.

This was a nightmare, the memories rushing back to Y/N as she was walking into the backyard where all those sweet memories lived. It was emotionally draining, so much so that her hand was reaching aimlessly for Spencer’s.

As soon as her husband realized what she was doing, he was slowly approaching his wife and letting his hand tightly grip onto hers. He didn’t realize how bad they needed this, to have a reminder that they still had each other. He figured it was implied but this made a bit of weight lift off his chest. 

“I know it may be a bit hard to laugh right now,” Penelope began as she was offering a smile. “But I know how much Benji used to love having dinner with all of us, no matter where we went.” She began, making a soft, sad smile spreading across Y/N’s face. 

“So, I figured that I would honor one of my favorite godson’s in the best way possible. Instead of boring adult food, I made extra sure to get the best of the best.” Being a four-year-old, Benjamin was just as picky as the next kid. 

“Don’t tell me,” Spencer began, looking over as she was happily showing off the meal she had catered. It consisted of all the essential food groups of a young child; chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, and french fries. 

Hank, Michael, Henry, the Simmons children and Jack were all over the idea of that. The adults, though, couldn’t help the soft laughter. “Benji would definitely approve.” Y/N offered a soft smile, shaking her head fondly. “Even up until the end, he had to have his nuggets.” Spencer added, a few tears springing up in his eyes at the pleasant memory, even in the darkest time of their lives.

“I don’t want that..” Benjamin wrinkled his nose as he was pushing away the soup that the hospital was giving him, making Spencer look up from his book. “It’s good for you, Benji. Try it.” He urged on, a smile as he put the book down after finding his bookmark. 

“Daddy, no. It’s yucky. It smells yucky.” He continued on, the four year old running the spoon through the bowl.

Like his mother, he was dramatic about it, gagging at the mere thought of eating what he was given. “I want chicken nuggets.” He whined out, now looking at his mother, who was sighing in content. 

“Take a few bites and try it! If you try it and you don’t like it, I’ll go get you some nuggets. Sounds fair?” She asked, keeping the stern tone yet offering a sweet smile, knowing damn well that he’d get his way in the end anyway. Even if he liked the soup.

“I’ll try it but I might be sick, mama.” He warned, looking at the broth with vegetables before he was taking a good amount on the spoon.

He eyed it over before pushing it into his mouth. Both parents couldn’t help the laughter falling from their lips as Benji pulled a face, looking offended he was even made to try it.

“Blegh! Nasty!” The animated child was pushing the tray table away as Y/N was already getting up to grab her keys. “I’m going! I’m going! Make sure that you watch your daddy, you know he likes getting into too much trouble.” 

As everyone had a plate in front of them, everyone was looking at the Reids, expectant of them to get up. Derek was the one who was already making two plates before placing them down in front of the two. “There you are pretty boy and pretty girl, no need to get up.” He knew what he was doing.

Even with the lack of appetite, Y/N was slowly picking up her fork before collecting a bit of the mac and cheese on her fork, slowly moving to push the fork in her mouth. She didn’t realize just how hungry she was before that bite. Of course, barely eating for two weeks would do that to you.

Spencer seemed to be on the same page, the two unknowingly eating like they hadn’t eaten in years. The group said nothing about it, although they shared collective glances and their eyes were glistening over with relief. 

They were eating enough to actually keep themselves alive, to keep themselves from falling ill and being stuck in the hospital being fed through IVs. After all they went through, they didn’t need to be in another hospital for a long time.

The rest of the day was spent with their family rather than them being locked up at home, real smiles gracing their features for the first time in forever. Being together in a quiet home was taking a huge hit at their mental health. 

This was what they needed. Their full support system. 

It was later on in the evening before Y/N and Spencer had gotten home, the two ordering takeout for dinner whenever they arrived at home. The wife was looking over the picture of their family that she had hanging up in the kitchen, a soft smile on her face. He looked so peaceful today, didn’t he?” She asked, her voice soft.

“No more pain, no more weakness.. Just peaceful.” Spencer added on, looking up from his hands. “Y/N.. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It was horrible to say,” He said as his wife was offering a gentle smile. “I understand. It’s hard right now but.. Spencer, I love you. With every fiber of my being. Please remember that.”

It was what he needed to hear, his head nodding. “I know. I love you so much, baby. Thank you. I’m here for you, even if you just need to cry and be taken care of.” The taller man was standing up before heading over to tightly hug his wife. “You’re so strong. So fucking strong.” He spoke softly while kissing the top of her head. 

All they needed to power through this together was each other, they would make it through this for Benji over all else. It was what he would've wanted , their love to persevere. 

#criminal minds #spencer reid #criminal minds fandom #spencer reid fandom #spencer reid fic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds thoughts #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid dialogue #spencer reid hurt/comfort #spencer reid angst #spencer reid request #spencer reid thoughts #spencer reid comfort #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid criminal minds #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @iamburdened - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x gender neutral!reader

After Maeve

- after Maeve’s tragic murder, Spencer isolated himself in his apartment for a while

- in the two weeks he didnt leave his apartment, he was left multiple gift baskets by Penelope, and every member of the team came to visit at least once, only to be met by an unanswered door

- Spencer had gotten used to the knocks at his door followed by the voices of his friends offering their support, he never had the strength to reply verbally, but he appreciated their visits

- one day, though, a knock was followed by a voice he hadnt heard before

“Umm...hello? Is anybody home?”

- Spencer lifted himself from the couch and travelled the great distance for his front door. looking through the peephole, he saw a woman that he didnt recognise, holding a plate with a towel tenting slightly over it

- she looked worried. that was enough to override Spencer’s grief as his FBI instincts took over and he opened the door

- she grinned at him with an expression of intense relief

“O-Oh! Hello! I wasnt expecting you to answer the door, my name is (Y/N).”

“Who are you?”

- Spencer was beyond confused, but when he saw the blush that lit up your face, he wondered if his question seemed harsh or rude

“I-I live just across the hall, I moved in last week and ever since, I’ve seen people come and go from your door- a blonde woman with glasses brings baskets regularly. A-At first, because nobody ever answered the door, I thought maybe whoever lived here passed away and they were leaving things in your memory. B-But they talked to you through the door sometimes, I noticed on my way to and from work. So I thought, well, you must have gone through something terrible and I wouldnt be a very good neighbour if I didnt try to help- I know it isnt my place and Im sorry if Im oversteppi- I made some cookies but u-uh you dont have to tell me anything, I just thought- oh god Im sorry, I’ll just go.”

- your explanation was hurried, panicked and somewhat guilty as you attempted to speed walk back to your apartment

“Wait!”

- Spencer called as loudly as he could manage, you turned to face him, still clutching the towel-covered plate that he now knew to be hiding freshly baked cookies

“You dont know me, we’ve never even...”

- he couldnt bring himself to finish his sentence. never even met, just like her

- tears stung his eyes, his voice left him

- immediately, you noticed the changes in his body language and you scrambled over to him, placing the plate of cookies on the floor among the baskets

“Can I hug you? Is that alright?”

- Spencer nodded and you didnt take another second to think before you pulled him into your arms

- as soon as you embraced him, his tears broke free and rolled down his cheeks

- much to his surprise, the hug didnt feel awkward at all. it was the most comfort he had allowed himself to receive

- he felt more comfortable with someone who didnt know him, didnt know the details of what happened to him. you were someone new, someone who had never known him before he had been in this state; you had no expectations of him, no loyalties or personal care towards him, so he could break in front of you

“Shhh, it’s alright, you’re ok. Take some deep breaths for me.”

- your voice was so soothing to him, the first one he’d really heard ever since that gunshot

- Spencer nodded into your shoulder and pulled away from you slightly, which was your signal to let go of him

- he wiped his tears while you picked up the plate of cookies and gave them to him

“Like I said, you dont have to tell me anything, but these are for you. Im right across the hall if you need me.”

- and you were

- at least once a week, you would knock on Spencer’s door and deliver him a new batch of some homemade baked goods

- cookies, cakes, banana breads, anything!

- sometimes Spencer didnt have the strength to answer the door. on those days, you’d leave the plate of food at his door, run back to your apartment, handwrite a quick note with a pen, then run back to his door to place the note on top of the plate. that way he’d still get a little bit of conversation from you, even if he didnt have the strength to answer

- he couldnt describe the combination of appreciation and guilt

- on the one hand, you were ridiculously sweet to him, unconditionally caring towards someone who was little more than a stranger to you, at a time when he really needed a friend

- on the other hand though, you were working tirelessly all day and then coming home to immediately bake him something more than once a week, he didnt think he deserved that, and the closer you got to him the more in danger you were

- that mentality continued throughout your friendship

- you two naturally drifted closer than friends did, but every time Spencer noticed, he would retract into himself

- he thought he was protecting you, but in reality he was hurting you

- he didnt realise just how much pain he was causing until you confessed your feelings and broke down crying because you thought your obvious feelings for him had been making him uncomfortable

- that’s when he told you about Maeve

- it wasnt easy for him, even after knowing you over sixth months

- he cried, you cried, it was a very emotional moment

- he assured you that he did care about you a lot, more than he would for a friend, but he was just so broken

- you held him until he stopped crying, and then you told him something that changed his whole perspective

“Spencer, it is impossible for history to repeat itself. You can hit me with any statistic you want, but the fact is, no matter how similar an event may be to another, the people involved, the time, the day, the context- it would all be different, and therefore not a repeat at all. What happened to Maeve will not happen to me.”

- he knew you were right, and your words did reassure him, but his heart was still wounded; it was scarred

- somehow, without him having to say anything, you knew exactly what he needed to hear

“I dont want a relationship, not now, and not ever unless you are completely ready. Patience is as easy as breathing when it comes to love, Spence, so I dont mind waiting.”

- and that was that, you two had come to an understanding

- over time, Spencer allowed himself to venture closer to you, emotionally as well as physically

- your presence was comforting enough that once he calmed down, he wasnt afraid of the feelings he had for you

- you explained to him randomly one day that part of you was worried he only thought he had feelings for you because you had helped him heal, in the sense of sexual transference syndrome

- while you were rambling about this and essentially inventing a cop-out for Spencer just in case he didnt actually love you, he placed his hands on your shoulders to stop you walking beside him, and kissed you

- he then took a few steps, acting as though he was casually continuing to walk, while you stood frozen, in a daze

- Spencer gave you a dazzling grin, like the swoon-worthy interest in a cheesy romance movie

- without a word, you reflected his grin back at him, and took the few steps necessary to catch up with him

- the two of you began walking side by side again in silence, avoiding eye contact bashfully

- you gingerly reached out your hand and nudged his ever so gently

- Spencer smiled to himself and interlaced his fingers with yours

- and that was just the beginning

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #imagine #imagines #x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #headcannon #criminal minds

[kjsnugget]

Chapter 5

Spencer Reid x Male Reader x Derek Morgan

Genre: fluff/Angst/idk

Warnings: Spencer still being a dick, violence, mentions of death, cursing, etc please message me if I missed any

———————————————————————————

It was a hard case for everyone. Ian Doyle was the reason your best friend was no longer here. He took her away leaving nothing but memories. It was part of the reason your relationship with Spencer failed. It was part of why you went through so much pain and heart ache. The anger you hurried so deep within you had made its way to the surface. It was the most the team has seen you angry in a long time. Spencer had noticed and wanted to comfort you but that was no longer his place. Instead it was Derek whispering things in your ear to calm you down. It helped but not enough to keep you from snapping.

The thought of him being free to run around on the streets while your best friend was six feet under was enough to make you snap on anyone. No one argued with you while the team chased down Doyle. This was a soft spot for you and they knew that. Penelope hated seeing you like this. She loved you and wanted the world to hit you with sunshine but that wasn't the case at the moment.

Jj knew you were angry and tried to help as much as she could without being in your way. She did not want to be between you and your goal. Everyone was just upset about this as you were just not as vocal.

Hotch was trying his best to keep the tensions from rising. He was well aware of everything that had been going on with you, Reid, and Morgan. It was a personal issue and he never wanted to overstep his boundaries with the three of you. He made it clear he was there if you guys needed anything. It bothered him to see you so upset, which is why he never bothered to correct the pda you and Derek would show sometimes. It was never over the top so he never had reason to complain. He loved you and everyone on the team and would always go above and beyond for any of you and that never changed. Which is why he knew what he had to do and it was going to be hard to face everyone but bringing her home was the right thing to do.

Derek was doing his best to keep you calm, he knew where you were coming from. He knew how upset you were which is why the two of you stood in the briefing room, he was standing against a wall with you leaning on him. He was just comforting you so you could work the case. Anger can cause mistakes and that's the last thing they wanted. No one had any issues with the two of you standing like that as they knew it's what was best for you at the moment. The team already knew what was going on between you two as it didn't take a profiler to see the chemistry.

Spencer watched as you stood in Derek's arms as he calmed you down. The case was at a stand still and he was loathing the scene in front of him. He felt so confused about his feelings. Although the past months with Maeve have been nothing but wonderful he still hated the idea of you being with Derek. With the case at a stand still it was hard to focus on anything but the scene before him. He watched as your shoulders visibly relaxed. The way your breathing evened the tone in your voice calming from its previous state. It was agony to watch. His mind was filled with thoughts of your previous relationship with him. How much you were always there for him. He remembered all things you did for him through your own grief. He missed having you as his, he missed sleeping next to you and kissing you in the morning.

"I wish you guys would chill out with the PDA" he didn't mean for the thoughts to be said aloud. It was supposed to stay in his thoughts. He seen your head snaps up "excuse me?" Unaware he even said the words he was confused "huh?" He watched as Derek let go of your hands and back away from you defeatedly. "I didn't quite hear you what did you say?" Your frame was now walking over to him "I said I wish you guys would chill with the pda" it was as if someone pulled a trigger "did you mind when you fucked Maeve in my bed? No? I didn't think so, mind your fucking business pretty boy"

Spencer didn't expect you to speak that way as you never have before. It brought anger out as you mentioned his lovers name in such a disrespectful way "at least she isn't her exs best friends fuck toy"  before you could say anything Derek's voice cut you off "woah woah don't disrespect him like that Spencer that's not true and you know it" Derek stayed on his side of the room to avoid escalating the situation which didn't last very long "it's true right after we broke up you swooped in to take your chance with him you were supposed to be my best friend but being a whore comes~" before the words could leave his mouth, a loud crack filled the room as he fell to the floor.

Blood filled his hand as you stood above him holding your hand as it started to bruise "watch your mouth and keep my boyfriends name out of it" silence filled the four walls surrounding them as you walked out. They knew you would have to get in trouble for hitting another member of the team but it didn't matter right now. Despite being angry with him for how he spoke to you Derek decided to help. Holding his hand out to Spencer who laid on the floor his nose on the floor he tools he helped him up.  Handing him a rag to stop the bleeding he walked after you "Derek wait" his feet paused at the door to hear What he had to say. He was angry but he just wanted this case to end "I'm sorry" he nodded in response before making his way to you.

When he found you sitting in his office he could see the emotions swirling in your mind. Sitting against his desk he couldn't help but laugh. Looking up at him confusion written all over your face how was he laughing? "Watch your mouth and keep my boyfriends name out of it" his mocking tone caused you to let a few laughs escape as well. It didn't really process to either of you until now that you had called Derek your boyfriend. That cocky smile took place on his face as he processed what you said. It didn't take you long to figure out why he was smiling like that. "Am I your boyfriend now?" His question came with the wiggle of his eyebrows causing you to laugh again "I don't know after that maybe not"

Smiling he guided you to him and wrapped his arms around you. "Okay I guess you can be my boyfriend" he laughed while planting a soft kiss on your head. Silently cheering he just enjoyed the moment you two were sharing before a knock on the door brought you out of the enjoyable moment. "Hey love birds we need you two in the briefing room" Penelope's voice rang through your ears. Excitement laced her voice as she held her self back from bombarding you with questions.

Walking into the vulpine with Penelope fallowing you brought a smile on your face. She could light your days ablaze with her questions. You were walking backwards answering her until you seen her stop in her tracks. An audible gasp left he lips as she stood frozen. You watched as Derek followed suit and remained still. Their eyes drifting behind you as the tears filled their eyes. Derek's eyes followed back to you as he knew what was going to come. He watched as you turned around and he felt thankful he never had to see your face change.

Turning around there stood your best friend. Her long black hair sat beautifully on her shoulders. The tears in her eyes ready to fall on her fair cheeks as you looked into her eyes. Your brain was unable to process her standing in front of you. It didn't make sense to you, she died. Your eyes trailed to the rest of the team as their eyes remained focused on you. You could feel their worry as your body was unable to move. "M/n I~" her voice shook as she called your name. The sound of her voice triggered all the emotions you worked so hard to repress resurface. The pain and suffering you went through came to a head. "Don't, you are not real you are not here! You are dead! I told your parents! I carried your casket! I gave your eulogy! Read your will! I buried you for fucks sake! You are not here anymore!" The tears you tried to hold back had let themselves fall. Your cheeks began to soak from the tears of your heart breaking.

"M/n please~" shaking your head as she stepped towards you "no" her heart broke as you stepped back "no you don't get to do that! I grieved months! I didn't get to when you died because I had to deal with everything else going on! I had to be okay for them! I needed you more then I ever have these past months and you weren't here! I watched you die! When you died so did I" you wanted to scream, break everything in sight. You were angry, hurt that everything you went through could have possibly been prevented. You could have had her shoulder to cry on. You could have been her shoulder to lean on. You knew it wasn't anyone's fault for how things happened. She didn't have a choice in the matter however emotions can be powerful.

You knew you were acting irrationally but right now the way you were feeling was to strong to overlook. No one stopped you as you stormed out. They all felt your pain. No one blamed you for your reaction. They watched you fall to the lowest point in your life and they'd be lying if they weren't angry for you. Emily was unaware of all you been through since she has been gone. Hotch felt extremely guilty for keeping this from you but he had no choice. He never wanted you or any of his team to be in so much pain caused by his choices.

Everyone was at a stand still unsure of whether to run after you or give you space. Everyone was quiet unsure if they should even speak. The silence had been broken by Hotch informing everyone the case needs to continue. Derek had decided to give you the space necessary knowing you would ask for comfort when you were ready. No one rushed you to come back as they understood the emotions you were feeling could be overwhelming. They only grew concerned when they found Doyle and you were no where to be found.

Derek had called you with no answer, they all called you even Spencer. Not single one answers as they found your phone sitting on your desk. It wasn't until they realized your vest had been gone that they knew you set out on your own. It didn't take a profiler to know that emotions tend to cloud judgment and given the opportunity you would very likely Kill Ian Doyle. They had to get to him before you did and it was of no concern to him. They only cared about you and your career.

With Derek and Hotch behind the wheels the rubber on the tires was sure to dwindle. Emily sat quietly as they rushed to find you blaming herself for the events of your life she had yet to know. She often wondered if she had been honest about Doyle from the start maybe things could have played out differently all she knew was getting to you was important. She wanted you safe, happy, she wanted you to have everything you ever wanted. She wanted you to have the family you dreamed of in high school. She knew nothing of what you went through but it was clear something had transpired while she was away.

She loved you and she loved Spencer she was never a fan of the two you together. In her head the differences never made a good match but she held her tongue as she loved seeing you with that goofy grin whenever boy wonder was mentioned. However it broke her heart to watch the years pass by with the goofy grin fading over time as Spencer never lit up the way you did when his name was mentioned. Spencer never understood your love for art it was never appreciated by him. She loved you like a brother because you were that to her her whole life. She always had you to count on and she had not been there for you when you needed her the most. She was scared you wouldn't forgive her, she would do anything if it meant being close to you again. You were her soulmate she needed you in her life.

The silence was loud as they pulled into where he was hiding. It didn't take long to spot your vehicle as they all rushed inside without a second thought floating into their mind. It didn't take long to find you. As they thought your weapon was drawn pointed at Doyle's head. The anger and pain visible in your face as they heard the safety turn off. None of them felt comfortable pointing their weapon at you but as much as it hurt they did. Everyone of them aiming for a non fatal shot. Silent debating was happening as to who would speak to you. Who would walk you off the ledge?

No one knew what to do or what to say, the only thing everyone had in commons in this moment was fear.

#criminal minds x male reader #spencer reid x male reader #derek morgan x male reader #criminal minds #bau x male reader #david rossi #derek morgan #emily prentiss #spencer reid

[reidscanehand]

Dearest Reader

Pairings: Spencer Reid x BAUfem!Reader, Derek Morgan x Penelope Garcia, David Rossi x Erin Strauss, Aaron Hotchner x Beth Clemmons, Jennifer Jareau x Will LaMontagne Category: Fluff TW: cursing, little bit of negative self-talk, lots of confusion Yeah, I like Bridgerton, okay? This is set between season 7 and 8, we’re ignoring Maeve and Spencer’s headaches, and it’s assumed that Emily has already left for London and Alex has yet to join the team. And, overall, this is fun, so I hope you enjoy! xx

Dearest Reader,     You do not know me, and, rest assured, you never will. But I know you. Very well. Be not alarmed, this is no veiled threat, but I am merely one of you and I know how to keep my identity hidden. Now, no more about me: onto the drama at hand.     The time has come to place your bets for the bureau’s upcoming charity gala. While the pairings of floors 1-5 and 8-10 should be fairly apparent, it is, of course, the shockingly prolific BAU of the sixth floor that will, doubtless, be the source of most interest once again this year, especially after their poor showing last year.     Odds are that Erin Strauss will require less persuasion than in year’s previous to be enticed to the dance floor. And if you doubt it, this author assures you that the famed SSA David Rossi will be the one leading her to the floor requiring little incentive besides a pleasant time. For those holding out for the stoically handsome Unit Chief SSA Aaron Hotchner, this author is happy (if not somewhat envious) to report that he won’t be nearly as curmudgeonly this year as he will, doubtless, have his stunning girlfriend on his arm.     And will SSA Derek Morgan finally have the courage to ask Penelope Garcia to the occasion, or will he hide his true affections behind another random date?     And what of the new addition to the team, SSA Y/N Y/L/N. Polite and shy as she may seem, this author hopes her shyness won’t overcome her ability to incite some drama...or, at least, bring a date of some interest to entertain the us all.      And finally, the opening line of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” And while it not may be not be a truth universally acknowledged, it is certainly acknowledged by many at the FBI that a certain genius profiler definitely needs a date for next week’s charity gala. Let’s hope he does not disappoint this year.    I can only hope it will work out well. If anything, it will make for interesting writing for this author, won’t it? 

   With bated breath and hoping for a happy ending,     Agent Whistledown

“What the fuck is this?” Derek Morgan asks, practically throwing the paper memo that was on his desk when he’d arrived into work. Hotch meets Derek’s eyes and leans back in his chair with his hands raised in surrender.

“I have no idea,” Hotch replies, opening his desk drawer and holding one of his own memos up. “I got one, too. It was here when I got in.”

“We all did,” interrupts Rossi as he enters Hotch’s office, holding up another copy of the memo. “And I would guess everyone else in the FBI got one as well.”

“Who would do this?” Derek asks, his anger only growing. 

“I have no idea,” Hotch admits, sighing deeply. “I could check the cameras, but-”

“But you’re the Unit Chief and there’s been at least ten FBI memos delivered by half a dozen different assistants,” Spencer interrupts the group, looking just as put out as the rest of them. “So there are too many possibilities as to who it could be.” 

“Spence, have you seen thi-oh!” Y/N enters the office just after Spencer, startled by the entire male conglomerate of the team standing in Hotch’s office. “So, we’ve all seen it, then?”

“Yes,” Spencer replies tightly, grimacing in understanding at Y/N, who returns his look ruefully. 

“I take it, then,” Y/N continues, “that there are no immediate suspects.”

“Well,” Rossi begins, grimacing somewhat himself, “it could be...” 

He trails off, his gaze falling towards Penelope’s - unusually - closed office door. 

“Rossi,” Y/N whispers in chastisement, “the memo mentions Penelope.”

“And it’s hardly flattering,” Spencer agrees, stepping subconsciously closer to Y/N, a fact the profilers all choose to politely ignore in favor of the issues present. 

“Not as unflattering as some others,” Rossi murmurs, almost to himself. 

“Strauss not taking it well, then?” Y/N asks, quietly, but not at all unkindly. Rossi smiles tightly at Y/N and shakes his head, patting her shoulder in thanks for asking. 

“Penelope wouldn’t do something like this,” Y/N continues, turning attention away from Strauss and Rossi’s (not-so-secret) relationship. 

“Of course she wouldn’t,” Derek nods. “But someone did and if anyone could figure out who, it would be-”

“Me,” Penelope interrupts, suddenly walking into the - now somewhat crowded - office. To the surprise of everyone, though they try to hide it, Penelope doesn’t look at Derek,  “Um, with that in mind, shall we take our investigative crew to the round table?”

Hotch sighs deeply, “I don’t think this requires-”

“All of our skills and investigative prowess?” Rossi cuts him off, only somewhat sarcastically. “I should think it requires nothing less.”

~~~

With JJ added to the group in the round table room, little else had been discovered. 

“I’ve looked over all of the security footage,” JJ explains, “and the same six interns and assistants that show up every morning with interdepartmental memos. Most of them are from Katherine Helpert in white collar, but she’s only been here for two months.”

“So, she’d hardly know the details that whoever this Agent Whistledown is,” Rossi answers, clearly disgruntled. 

“Where would they get a name like that anyway?” Derek asks, clearly just as annoyed as everyone else. 

“The Bridgerton series by Julia Quinn,” Spencer replies without looking up from some of the printed stills of security footage. “It’s a romance series set in the Regency era, following the romances of the Bridgerton family. It features a gossip columnist named Lady Whistledown.”

“You read romance novels now, Wonder Boy?” Penelope questions slyly, wiggling her eyebrows. 

Nonchalantly, without looking up from the photos laid out on the table, Spencer crinkles his nose, clearly trying to fight an oncoming blush, “Not usually, but-”

“I made him read them,” Y/N cuts him off gently, clearly covering his slight embarrassment. “It was a bet, or more a challenge, really. I read War and Peace and, in the time it took me to read that, Spencer read the whole Bridgerton series.”

“And what did you think of them?” JJ asks, trying not to laugh. 

“I think Y/N definitely got the better reading material,” Spencer chuckles drily, exchanging a look with Y/N that makes her giggle. The rest of the team exchange a look of their own that they’ve started to share more and more frequently since Y/N joined the team. 

The two of them are besotted and have been since the moment Y/N joined the team. Why, on earth, they couldn’t just...realize how the other felt - their profiling skills failing them in only this, it would seem - this Agent Whistledown wouldn’t have a thing in the world to report about other than their mutual happiness as a couple, surely. 

“It’s got to be one of these,” Spencer continues, pointing to the photos, specifically the three he’d laid out in front of himself. 

“Mei-Lee Wong?” Y/N clarifies. “From vice? They’re hardly the type to-”

“To be so devious, I know,” Spencer finishes her thought, causing Hotch to glance at the rest of the team with a knowing smirk. “But they’ve been here long enough to know everything about us.” 

Y/N nods at him and he smiles at her, though they suddenly become aware of the silence as the team stares at them, both slowly looking up at the rest of the group. 

Rossi clears his throat, trying to cover the silence, “What about Adhira Ropa from white collar? She made an extra trip to Hotch’s office this morning, even after Helpert made a memo delivery.”

“Plus, she has a bit of a bone to pick with our team,” Penelope says quietly, not looking at anyone. “Derek took her out and never called her again.”

“Baby Girl,” Derek gasps in mock astonishment, “I thought you weren’t going to say anything-”

“And I thought you’d stop stringing people along, but we’re both let down now, aren’t we?” Penelope replies rather harshly, not meeting his eyes. The silence following that is damn near abysmal as none of the team dare to speak after that outburst. 

Y/N exchanges a rather frantic look to Spencer who clears his throat uncomfortably before saying, “Yes, uh, yes Agent Ropa does seem the most likely candidate-”

“No,” Hotch interrupts for the first time. “Agent Ropa is part of a small advisory group on a white collar case. I advised on a similar one a few years ago, she left her notes for me to look over, nothing more.”

“Hardly seems her game, anyway,” JJ agrees quickly. “So that leaves Barney Kepler?” 

“Kepler?” Rossi practically groans. “That little goob from HR? We expect him to be the great mastermind behind all this?”

“Definitely not,” Penelope agrees, speaking for the first time since her unexpected outburst, though still avoiding looking towards Derek. “I’m not even a profiler and I can tell you that he would never-”

“So, you’re an expert on human behavior, now?” Derek asks, not looking at Penelope and standing abruptly from the table. 

“Derek!” Y/N admonishes. Derek looks at her, unflinching. 

“What?” he asks indignantly. “For all we know, it’s Garcia. She’s the most likely candidate, after all.”

Without another word, Derek turns and leaves the conference room. The silence that follows is terrifying. Y/N immediately looks over to Penelope, leaning over and taking her hand unabashedly. The rest of the team looks at each other uncomfortably. 

“I was, um, thinking of stepping out for lunch today,” JJ almost whispers. “Y/N, Pen, would you two like to join me? My treat.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Y/N agrees, squeezing Penelope’s hand. “What do you think, Pen? Maybe down to that cafe you like so much?”

“That would be, um,” Penelope coughs slightly, clearly trying to steady her voice, “that would be nice.” The three women stand, excusing themselves with a grateful nod from Hotch. 

“Shall I bring you a London Fog, Spencer? We’re going to Petit Leon, after all,” Y/N offers as she starts to exit. The young man meets her eyes and nods shyly, mouthing a ‘thank you’ as she smiles in return. Hotch and Rossi meet each other’s eyes, barely containing smirks at the younger agents’ interaction, but say nothing. 

When the ladies have left, the three men stare at each other in disbelief. 

“What the fuck was that?” Rossi exclaims. “Have Derek and Penelope ever fought...ever?”

“Not in quite some time,” Hotch states ruefully. 

“Can I yell at him?” Spencer asks, clearly quite put out at his friend’s behavior.

“You’ll have to get in line,” Hotch says, standing and following Derek’s path out of the conference room.

~~~

While Penelope made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about Derek’s sudden outburst, the main topic of discussion at lunch were the rest of the rumors espoused by this Agent Whistledown.

“Rossi and Strauss weren’t exactly a secret,” JJ admits, biting into her sandwich. 

“But to have the guts to write about it is pretty ballsy,” Penelope adds, shuffling her pasta salad with her fork. “That’s what I meant when I said that Barney wouldn’t...” she trails off, but Y/N places a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. 

“And you were more than right,” she agrees. “Kepler’s the worst employee in HR because he’s never willing to confront anyone about anything.”

“That might be the meanest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Y/N,�� JJ teases. 

“It’s not mean if it’s true,” Penelope giggles, a sound JJ and Y/N are both relieved to hear, causing them both to laugh as well.

“I’m curious about how Agent Whistledown knew about Beth,” Y/N says thoughtfully, chasing a crouton with her fork. 

“Oh,” JJ reminds her, “but you do know; Hotch brought Beth to the company picnic and, if anything, she was at that race earlier this year.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Y/N nods, remembering. “I guess that’s not a secret either.”

“Yeah, there’s nothing much that Agent Whistledown reported that’s secretive. It’s more just the audacity to write about it in such a public way,” Penelope remarks thoughtfully. “Oh, except they don’t know about you and Spencer.”

“What don’t they know about me and Spencer?” Y/N asks, her voice suddenly tighter. 

“Well, just that you...” Penelope shares a look with JJ before looking back to Y/N, “you’re dating him, right?”

Y/N shifts uncomfortably in her chair, “I’m not...we’re not dating...we’re just...we’re...he’s my best friend.” 

The barista calls Y/N’s name and she stands suddenly, clearly thrilled for the escape. 

“That’s a London Fog, right?” Penelope asks JJ. JJ smirks, watching the slightly younger agent tipping the barista.

“Yep,” JJ replies, popping the ‘p’ on the end on the word.

“And it’s for Spencer, right?” Penelope smiles. 

JJ meets her gaze and her smirk deepens, eyes shimmering knowingly, “Yep.”

~~~

“Someone’s sending around a gossip memo? At the FBI?” Beth asks, stirring the curry. Jack is in his room, hopefully working on his homework as Hotch and Beth prepare dinner. 

“It’s rather audacious to be sure,” Hotch agrees, flipping the chicken on the griddle before taking a final ladle full of batter and pouring it over the skillet, watching it puff up before flipping it. “I just wish it hadn’t caused such drama.”

“I’m sorry it made Derek and Penelope fight so badly,” Beth says sympathetically. 

“We told him off,” Hotch assures her, looking away from the chicken for a moment, “but I think he’s just upset that...”

“That Agent Whistledown revealed something he hasn’t even admitted to himself yet?” Beth questions, finishing his thought for him.

“God, you’re brilliant,” Hotch smiles, turning back to the griddle and turning it off, removing the chicken and placing it on the waiting plate.

“It hardly takes a profiler to see what’s going on there,” Beth laughs, turning back to the simmering curry, taking the plate of chicken and adding it to the simmering sauce. “I’m surprised Agent Whistledown didn’t say anything about Reid and Y/N, though.”

“You know about Reid and Y/N?” Hotch asks, stepping closer to his girlfriend after plating up the paratha. 

“Yes,” she agrees, laughing. “Do you not?”

“No, of course I do,” Hotch chuckles, “but I see them every day. Is it that obvious?”

“Of course it is,” Beth laughs, stirring the curry before tasting it. “Still, I suppose this Agent Whistledown can’t know everything.”

“Agent Whistledown got one thing right, though,” Hotch smiles, wrapping his arms around Beth as she adds more paprika to the curry.

“And what’s that?” Beth asks coyly.

“I will indeed,” Hotch whispers, pressing a kiss below her ear, “have the most stunning woman on my arm.” 

~~~

When Penelope opens her apartment door, she hardly expects to see what appears to be hundreds, if not thousands, of lilies of the valley sitting in her hallway, let alone Derek sitting amongst the small white blooms. The two of them stare at each other for a very long moment before Derek speaks.

“Lilies of the valley symbolize an apology,” Derek says by way of greeting. “Or, at least, that’s what Reid told me.”

“Ah,” Penelope manages to say. “Is that what you wanted to...say?”

“That,” Derek nods, “among other things. Penelope, I’m...I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what I said and how I acted. You didn’t deserve that.”

Penelope smiles slightly, looking down at her feet, “I shouldn’t have revealed that about you and Agent Ropa. That was terrible of me and-”

“No,” Derek interrupts her, stepping closer to her. “It wasn’t. It was a long overdue call out, if anything.”

“Derek-”

“Penelope,” he states, stepping right up to her, reaching up and cupping her face in his hands. “I owe you a long, long overdue apology.”

“Derek?” Penelope asks, her eyes getting bigger. “Are you...”

“You know,” he reassures her as she trails off, tucking a curl of blond hair behind her ear, “I wasn’t mad about what Agent Whistledown said.”

“You weren’t?” Penelope asks rather meekly, staring up into his eyes with all the hope in the world behind them. 

He shakes his head and smiles down at her gently. His eyes fall to her lips briefly before meeting her gaze again, his lips a mere breath away from hers now, “I was just angry they revealed how I felt about you before I could tell you myself.”

“Really?” Penelope whispers, glancing at his lips before meeting his eyes again.

“Really,” Derek beams. “Because I...I love you, Penelope. Is that...of interest to you?”

“More than of interest,” Penelope grins, “because I love you too.”

Derek is almost too happy to let her finish her thought, cutting her lips off with his own as soon as he can. 

~~~

"It’s not nearly as embarrassing as what Agent Whistledown said about Derek and Penelope,” Y/N assures Spencer over the phone, balancing the device between her shoulder and her ear as the folds her laundry. 

“Oh, I know,” Spencer admits, sighing deeply over the line as he selects a tie for the gala, now just a day away. “I just...it’s just kind of...”

“No, I get it,” Y/N finishes his thought for him. “I have to walk in alone too, you know?”

Spencer freezes, “Wait...you don’t...you’re not bringing a date?”

“I would’ve told you if I had one,” she assures him nonchalantly. 

“That’s...surprising,” Spencer admits quietly, almost to himself. 

“Surprising? In what way?” Y/N asks. 

“Well, it’s just...you’re you,” Spencer states plainly. “You’re so nice and sweet and...I’m just surprised dates aren’t falling at your feet.”

“That’s sweet of you, Spence,” Y/N laughs. “But, no, not this time, anyway.”

“Of course,” Spencer sighs, trying not to sound slightly disappointed. “Next year you’ll doubtless be beating off suitors and I’ll still be walking into the gala alone.”

There’s a moment of pause and Spencer fears he’s said something wrong when Y/N gently clears her throat.

“I’ll walk in with you,” Y/N offers shyly, “tomorrow night, if you’d like me to.”

Spencer’s jaw drops slowly, barely able to breathe, let alone come up with a reply. 

“Or not,” Y/N says quickly, “you don’t have to-”

“No, no,” Spencer cuts her off, trying not to let his sudden lack of air make his voice break. “That would be...that would be wonderful, Y/N.”

“Good,” Y/N nearly whispers. “So we’ll meet outside the ballroom-”

“Or,” Spencer cuts her off, cursing his voice for breaking slightly, “I could come pick you up and just...I could just bring you.”

“Like a...like a date?” Y/N attempts to clarify quietly. 

“If that would be...alright...with you,” Spencer manages to say. “I-i-if not, we could-”

“It would be,” Y/N stops him. “More than alright, actually.”

“Really?” Spencer whispers, rather in disbelief. 

“Really,” Y/N agrees, suddenly more excited about the gala than she’s ever been. “Is that okay?”

Spencer breathes a sigh of relief, a sigh ages in the making, “It’s more than okay, Y/N.”

~~~

JJ and her husband of only a few months now, Will LaMontagne, enter the gala together. While there was no gossip surrounding them, their newlywed glow makes for a splendid beginning for the BAU’s evening at the FBI Charity Gala. 

Erin Strauss is, indeed, easily persuaded to the dance floor by SSA David Rossi, the both of them looking rather sumptuously happy. Despite all the gossip surrounding the pair, no one could find anything to whisper about other than the absolute joy exhibited by the two. 

Aaron Hotchner is decidedly less grumpy than in years previous, entering the party with Beth, his stunning and practically glowing girlfriend, on his arm. Despite all the gossip surrounding the pair, no one could find anything to whisper about other than the absolute joy exhibited by the two.

Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia enter the party arm in arm, the sense of finality behind the pairing not overwhelming the absolute shimmer that seems to surround the duo. Despite all the gossip surrounding the pair, no one could find anything to whisper about other than the absolute joy exhibited by the two. 

Spencer Reid and Y/N Y/L/N enter the party together and while, for a brief moment, it seems like two friends accompanying one another, the small kiss the genius manages to sneak on the dance floor puts all whispers of friendship to rest. Despite all the gossip surrounding the pair, no one could find anything to whisper about other than the absolute joy exhibited by the two. 

~~~

For the first time in a very long time, Grant Anderson feels a genuine grin grow on his lips as he watches the finally happy team members of the BAU finally enjoy the annual charity gala. Still grinning when he arrives home, he sits at his personal laptop and begins to write a memo...a memo to be delivered by hand and with the help of several interns from various other divisions of the FBI:

Dearest Reader,  I did hope for a happy ending for the BAU, did I not?

~~~

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[ssareids-coffee]

Unrequited

hotch x reader series [part 3]

part one | part two

With the help of your friends, you were settling into motherhood. You loved your babies so much, even more than you thought you would but being a single parent was hard. When you looked at Arlo, he looked so much like Jack did when he was a baby, whereas Maeve was the spitting image of you. Sleepless nights, countless feeds and not knowing which of their bodily fluids that stain in your shirt belonged to was unbelievably hard- but worth it. Mae was the first to talk, her first word being “mama” and Arlo quickly following with the same. The sweet giggles and babbling when they see you and how happy they are just made all of the doubts you had, not only about the pregnancy but doing it yourself, disappear.

You spent 10 months at home with them, popping into the hospital for their checkups and stopping to talk to your friends as they cooed over your babies. Although you loved spending time with them, money was getting short and you missed surgeries- so you made the difficult decision to go back to work. After researching all the local nurseries, you selected this perfect little one attached to a school to make the transition easier when the time came. It felt horrible leaving them there, but they seemed to love spending time with the other children and it allowed you to focus on something other than being a mum.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

You were called to the pit to collect an emergency case to take straight to surgery, and the last person you expected to see what Aaron’s colleague, Derek Morgan on the table. Looking up to see who is with him you saw Aaron alongside the rest of his team- thankfully you didn’t have any time to think about what to say to him as you were rushing Derek into surgery. 8 hours of operating later, he was going to pull through, you walk out into the waiting area to find the team to tell them the good news.

“It was touch and go for a minute but he’s going to be just fine, when the anaesthetic wears off you are more than welcome to visit, i’ll get one of the nurses to tell you what room he ended up in” you smile softly, penelope pulling you into a huge hug as she cried tears of joy.

“Thank you oh my god y/n, i miss you, how are you?” she guahes quickly after pulling away.

“i’m fine” you replied quickly, your gaze moving to meet Aaron’s which had not left you.

“Y/N, can we talk?” you froze, there was no way you could speak to Aaron. You were too angry, to hurt and you knew you couldn’t keep it together.

“No, we aren’t doing this Aaron. You made it very clear you wanted nothing to do with me, you don’t get to pick and choose when this suits you.” his team look around uncomfortably as they wait for his reply, but before he could say anything one of the nurses ran over to you with your phone.

“Dr y/l/n? the nursery are on the phone, apparently Mae has a temperature?” she hands you the phone and walks away quickly.

“Hi, this is y/n, is she okay?” everything else in the room melting away as you became so concerned about your babies “She has a temp? Could you give her some medicine and i’ll come get him asap, im just finishing up here. Tell her mommy loves him ok!” you hang up quickly, placing your phone in your scrub pocket and looking up to find the entire BAU (bar morgan of course) staring at you with wide eyes.

“uh, who is Mae?” penelope asked hesitantly.

“I have to go” turning and walking away before they could ask anymore questions.

･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *  Aaron’s POV･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ

you walked away and left him standing there with his team, who were awkwardly exchanging gazes after your outburst.

“Aaron, what happened to you both?” rossi asked quietly, ushering him to the corner of the waiting room so they could talk more privately.

"not here Dave, we can talk about this in my office later"

after they had visited Morgan once he was awake, Rossi and Aaron left the hospital and headed back to the BAU under the guise of paperwork. closing the door quietly behind him, Rossi sat down in front of Aarons desk waiting for him to speak.

"I slept with her" sighing as he placed his head into his hands.

"You did?" shock evident in Rossi's voice.

"Before we went to that case in Virginia, when I got the call I was asleep next to her" rubbing the back of his neck as he recalls that night "I told her it was a mistake, I text y/n and said that I couldn't see her anymore- that I was going to try things with Haley for Jacks sake"

"What a load of good that did you" Rossi scoffed "You love her though? You always have Aaron, it was obvious."

"I do, I know I fucked it all up and there's nothing I can do- Dave I think she has a kid now, that call from a nursery? Saying that Mummy loves her?" he sits quietly, standing up before Rossi can say anything else. 'I need to ho pick up Jack, please keep this between us okay?"

"You have my word Aaron"

･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *  Your POV･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ

You clocked left the hospital as soon as you could, waiting till Derek was awake just to check over all his vitals, slipping out before you could see Aaron or his team again. Changing into a simple pair of jeans and vest top you headed out the pick up the twins from nursery. Arriving quickly, you buzzed the intercom and let them know you were there and sat down on a bench while you waited.

"Y/N" you froze, it sounded like Aaron, raising your head slowly to find him standing in front of you.

"Aaron? What are you doing here?" you ask hesitantly, brushing a loose piece of hair away from your face.

"Uh- I'm picking up Jack from school" clearly flustered by your unexpected presence.

'Oh, of course its three! I am always running on hospital time so my times are always off" laughing softly as you smile at him.

"I remember, you once turned up to my house after work at 5 am because you didn't realise how early it was" he laughs and it makes your heart ache- you missed his laugh and you missed him. "What are you doing here?" before you could reply one of the nursery workers walks out of the door with your babies in their arms. They both start babbling excitedly when they see you occasionally shouting "mama" which never fails to make your heart soar. You take them in your arms, kissing them both on the forehead before thanking the person who bought them out.

"Hi babies, mummy missed you, oh both so happy" smiling down at them as they excitedly babble and smile.

"They are yours?" Aaron asks, clearly shocked.

"Yes, they are" looking up at him quickly to gage his reaction. He looks sad, a small smile on his lips as he looks down as how happy your babies are to see you.

"Wow, I thought you wanted to wait before having kids, for your career?"

"Yeah well plans changed" you smile "Its hard working such a high stress job and being a single mum but I love them so much I wouldn't change a thing"

"Single mum? Their dads not around?"

"No, its just me" before he could reply again, Jack ran out of a classroom and into his dads arms.

"goodbye Aaron" looking into his eyes before slowly walking away.

Tag list-

@the-mouse27

@realdirectionx

@angelmather1

@ana-kat-evergreen

@elhotchner

@sunandmoonchild158

#aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotch series #aaron hotch fic #aaron hotchner #Aaron hotchner unrequited

[reidslefteyebrow]

Forget-Me-Not: Part Ten

Masterlist

Reader x Spencer Reid | Spencer Reid x Maeve Donovan | Bau Agent! Reader

Warnings: Explicit language, description of kidnapping and torture, graphic description of death

Part 10/15

Previous part

‘And Spencer’s gone.’

******

When Spencer came around, the first noise that left his lips was a pained hiss. His hair was matted and crusted with dried blood and with every blink he felt his eyebrow splitting open and drooling more of the iron-rich substance into his eyes. It was a constant cycle of pain that he couldn’t escape, a cycle of pain that Richard Maine was revelling in as he watched his captive awaken.

‘I’d say it’s good to see you, Agent Reid, but I’d be lying.’

Spencer spluttered and choked as each breath felt like he was inhaling razor blades, and he shot Maine a scorching glare. ‘It’s Doctor.’

‘Nuh-uh,’ Maine argued. ‘Doctors are smart. Doctors save lives. You’re damn stupid to let yourself get caught after not bein’ able to find me for nearly a year, and you definitely didn’t save young Miss yn, did you?’

‘Don’t you dare say her name, you sick son-of-a-bitch,’ blood and spit dripped down Spencer’s chin as he spat the words out at his captor. ‘You murdered her in cold blood just because you don’t like that other people are smarter than you!’

‘I didn’t murder her, I rescued her from a boring, miserable life of loving a sad sack like you, when she could have had a real man,’ Spencer’s heart throbbed in his chest. It had been so obvious, even to a twisted unsub like Maine, that you were sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of seeing him smile and yet he still didn’t look past his ex-girlfriend. ‘It’s a shame you didn’t snap her up sooner, really… Such a lovely body.’

Spencer lurched forward, tugging relentlessly against the ropes that bound him. Nerve shattering pain shot up his arms as the flesh of his wrists tore against the harsh fibres of the rope binding them. 'My team's going to find me. They're going to come after you and put you away for what you did to her.'

'To who, Agent Reid? To your pretty little girlfriend, Maeve? No… You would have had the balls to say her name. You must mean pretty, little yn! What's the matter, Spencer? Too ashamed to say her name after you killed her, huh?'

'I DIDN'T-' Spencer took a breath and attempted to settle himself. He would be of no use to the team if he upset the unsub enough to provoke rage. 'I didn't kill her.'

‘Didn’t you?’ Maine smirked, a menacing glint in his eye. ‘So you didn’t call me back, beggin’ to save your girl?’

‘I didn’t beg!’

‘Don’t kill her! Please, what can I give to you to get Maeve back home with me?! I love her, I love her!’ Maine’s voice was mocking and cold, a perfect copy of the pleas that Spencer delivered down the phone in a desperate flurry of tears. ‘You might not have pulled the trigger, Agent Reid, but you as good as murdered that poor agent friend of yours.’

Spencer heaved a rattling breath and steeled his gaze. There was no point arguing anymore, Maine was too far gone. Instead, he took a mental step back and closed himself off. What would Derek do, he thought frantically. Derek would disassociate and remove himself from the torture as much as possible, but… Maine had no implements other than his fists, so… Torture wasn’t his goal here. He considered what JJ would do and his mind flashed to his blonde best friend. Unwittingly, Penelope’s face flashed in his mind too. What would she do in this situation, he thought once more. Well, if she were in the BAU office she would be trying to locate his last known location by pinging his phone, the phone sitting in his back pocket, the screen shattered from the impact of his butt hitting the chair. If she were in his position? Easy. Spencer fought back an ill-timed chuckle as he imagined the vivacious woman babbling away to keep her kidnapper distracted. That was it, he knew, Penelope would keep talking until she could talk no more, and buy time for the team.

‘How did it feel?’

‘You what?’ Maine spluttered.

‘To kill a federal agent? How did it feel?’

‘You wanna know? You wanna know how it felt to see the bullet rip through her chest? To see her gasp when she realised that you’d condemned her to die? How it felt to see the light leech from her eyes and her blood pool on the floor as she gasped for help using her last breath?’

‘Yeah.’

‘It felt like I’d won.’

******

‘Where are we with finding, Reid, Garcia?’ Hotch was all business as the team filed into Garcia’s office.

‘I’m trying my hardest but his cell phone was a dead-end.’

‘Downsides of him being a massive technophobe,’ JJ hummed.

‘That’s what I thought, so instead of looking for Spencer, I started looking for our unsub, and that’s where I need your help with the profile.’

‘We profiled him as envious of people he perceived as more intelligent than he is,’ JJ offered.

‘Which was what made Reid piss him off so much,’ Derek chuckled, his palm a calming presence on Penelope’s shoulder. ‘We never should have sent him in to negotiate.’

‘What’s done is done,’ Hotch sighed. ‘We just need to help him now.’

‘Maine was a fairly easy unsub to profile,’ Rossi noted. ‘His victims were all subject to intense rage, and all looked the same.’

Hotch nodded seriously, ‘they were all surrogates for his siblings, it made him predictable, easy to track.’

‘Which means,’ Penelope’s face lit up as her fingers danced across her keyboard. ‘That he’ll be easy to track again.’

‘What do you mean, Penelope?’

‘Maine is predictable, right? A creature of habit. So we know that he was too much of a loser to hold down a well-paid job before we traced him, and now he’s a fugitive which means that unless he’s magically become intelligent enough to consider an alias…?’

‘He won’t have any income.’ Derek finished.

‘It’s highly unlikely that he’s renting a space,’ Hotch surmised.

‘He could be using a warehouse?’ JJ offered softly. ‘Somewhere hard to trace back to him?’

‘I doubt he’s thought that far ahead,’ Derek sighed. ‘Baby girl, look for places in Virginia which are or have been owned by known family and associates of Maine. He’ll go somewhere he knows, he’s too predictable to do anything else.’

‘On it, Chocolate Thunder. Let’s find our boy genius and bring him home.’

******

Crusted blood tugged at Spencer’s skin as he wriggled in his bonds. Maine had given him a merciful reprieve, returning to the main part of wherever he was held captive to bask in his smug victory. While merciful, the silence was also torturous for Spencer. It left him to think about the ugly truth that had been revealed so bluntly just hours before: yn was dead. Maine shot her because Spencer didn’t choose her. She died because of Spencer’s choice. Spencer killed yn.

The guilt was crippling, eating away at him like nothing else ever had. It was typical, really, that he’d managed to suppress his grief and guilt until now, assuage it by pouring all his effort and energy into a distraction. First Maeve, then work. But once the cracks in the dam had begun to appear, nothing was stopping the floods of remorse from pouring into him at breakneck speed. Yn had been a wonderful woman, so talented at her job and so strong. She’d supported him with silent gestures that meant the world to him: the notes on his desk with dumb science puns, the constant supply of morning coffees, knowing that he loved chocolate iced doughnuts with sprinkles and saving one before anyone else snagged it. You knew more about him just from being around him than Maeve had done in the entire time they dated. But somehow… Somehow he’d managed to push that to the side. He wondered what his Mom would think if she was in her right mind and he told her everything.

Spencer Walter Reid, why are you punishing her? Why are you punishing yourself? I’ll tell you why: it’s because you think you’re unworthy of love. Not just from her, but from everyone. I suppose seeing me and your father didn’t help that, and I’m sorry. But you need to know that you’re worth loving, you deserve it more than anyone.

A tear slid into a cut on Spencer’s cheek, the salt burn making him wince a little. He’d loved yn a lot. More than he might have realised while she was still alive. He wondered then, whether he’d have realised at all if she’d survived and if he’d waited for Garcia to track Maine down and rescue both of the women who were so important to him. Doubtful, he thought sadly, because he’d have run straight into Maeve’s arms and begged for another chance. He’d have swept her off her feet and declared that her kidnapping had made him realise that life was too short to break up over trivial arguments, that they could work on themselves and make a strong relationship. He’d keep yn around as a friend and then, over time, he’d lose them both again. His neurosis would drive Maeve up the wall. Don’t put those books there, don’t move my chess pieces, that was from Gideon why are you marking it for garage sale: he would have driven her away. At the same time, he’d be channelling so much energy into his failing relationship that he would miss the small gestures so frequently made by yn dwindling away over time. As the months went on, you’d withdraw, only going to team nights if he was busy with Maeve; ducking out of the room if he came in, with a new lead to chase out of nowhere. It truly clicked for Spencer then.

No matter what he’d done, he’d have lost his best friend.

His mind wandered back to Maeve on the day of yn’s funeral. She was fragile before the service, and Spencer knew it was entirely his fault. Admittedly, he’d pushed her for more information on what happened when Maine took her to the lane Spencer had found her on. Maine had covered her head in a black burlap sack, the same one he’d found her lying in on the side of the road. He’d used a kitchen knife, the same one he’d used to brutalise so many victims, to slice her bindings and haul her - on a shattered ankle - out of her chair and across the room. He’d laughed at her, mocking her pain before mocking yn. Told her that Maeve should be the last thing she saw, because it was the only glimpse of freedom she would ever see. He cocked the gun, Maeve heard a click. He fired a single shot and then… Silence.

Silence?

Spencer took a deep breath and thought through Maeve’s cognitive again. Maine had shot yn, and then dragged Maeve out before she could struggle. But Maine had said…

He was so lost in his own musings that he didn’t hear the thundering footsteps of an angry unsub, or the basement door splintering open until it was too late. A clammy, meaty hand gripped his throat tight and the cool barrel of Maine’s gun pressed firmly against his temple. Then he heard it.

‘Let him go, Maine, it’s over.’

Hotch was there.

‘It’ll never be over! He killed your agent, he deserves to be here!’

‘Nobody else needs to die, Richard,’ Derek took a tentative step forward. ‘Just give up your partner and we can help you out. You don’t need to die today.’

Maine laughed, an ugly belly laugh that shook Spencer’s body, ‘You think I’m going to give up the one person who agrees with me? I’d rather die.’

‘You will,’ Hotch rebuked.

‘You might kill me now, Agent Hotchner, but nothin’ will change! Bodies will keep pilin’ up and up and up and you’ll never stop it because you’re all too stupid to realise what’s right under your nose. You’ll never forget me.’

Maine raised his pistol and barely had time to twitch a finger before Derek had buried three shots in his chest. Warm, sticky blood splattered over the nape of Spencer’s neck and he sagged over.

‘Don’t worry, kid,’ Derek said, slicing the tape that bound him. ‘I got you.’

‘H-Hotch, you need to know-’

‘Spencer we need to get you to a hospital as soon as possible. It can wait.’

‘But Hotch, Maine didn’t-’

‘HOTCH!’ Rossi bellowed. ‘YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!’

******

TEN MINUTES EARLIER

‘Talk to be Baby Girl, you’re on speaker.’

‘Right guys and gals, I’ve got something strange to tell you and when I say strange I don’t mean like odd strange I mean creepy strange.’

‘Spit it out, Garcia,’ Hotch grumbled.

‘Well after we found that address I thought about Maine - ew - and how long he might have been based there to plan all of his disgusting, murderous shenanigans.’

‘Of course!’ JJ nodded. ‘He has a partner and these crimes have been carried out with meticulous precision, makes sense that they’d need a home base to act as a hub.’

‘My thoughts exactly, you beautiful human! So I thought about how Virginia might be HQ for Maine and his creepy companion and then it hit me: if they were here a lot, they’d need stuff to eat. First I thought that they might do door dash or postmates…’

‘It’s not likely,’ Derek countered. ‘It would mean spending a lot of delivery money and it’s too risky to have delivery drivers come to your door… They might recognise you’

‘Once again, my love, it’s like you’ve read my mind,’ there was muted keyboard tapping in the background of the call. ‘So instead I had a quick look for small, locally reported thefts in and around Maine’s hideout and guess what I found? At least one robbery a month in every store in a 5-mile radius on the 3rd of the month like clockwork dating back a month before the new killings started.’

‘How do we know it was Maine?’ JJ asked.

‘Of course I thought of that! I checked traffic and security camera footage and found a blurry, but identifiable picture of Maine at the time of every theft.’

‘That’s great, Garcia, thank you.’

‘But Sir…’

‘Yes?’

‘That’s not even the creepy part… We know that Maine’s partner is a man but I’ve got a bad feeling about what other company he’s keeping.’

‘Why, Baby Girl?’ Derek asked.

‘Because the main thing he shoplifted every month…? Was tampons.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Rossi looked puzzled as he locked eyes with Hotch. ‘Did you just say tampons?’

‘Yes, Sir. He stole enough food to feed two people: himself and his partner… But given the tampons and add in his original MO of starving as a horrific form of torture and you get…?’ Hotch’s face was grave.

‘A female hostage.’

******

I'm alive you guys! I'm so sorry for vanishing, I had so much work to do and didn't want to post a chapter I wasn't happy with or didn't enjoy writing 😭 after next week I'm post more often because I don't have any more assignments 🥳 but my birthday present to myself was finally posting this! Enjoy💚

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