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around1302 · 10 months

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YOU WROTE ME

SPARE PARTS: blurb 1/1

THE TROUBADOUR, LONDON

(W) strong language, alcohol use, brief smut: if u can call it that

THIRD PERSON’S POV

9 MONTHS POST-SPLIT

“Why can’t you just trust that it’ll be fun?”

“Because you don’t even know who’s playing! What if it’s some screamo guy and I get traumatised.”

“Please, Charlie, you’ve met my friend. You think he’s going to guitar for a screamo guy?”

Charlie pauses, remembering everything she can from the brief meeting between her and Becca’s friend at her house party last week.

“Yes. Yes I do.”

Becca rolls her eyes, nodding in gratitude at the bouncers who let them into the Troubadour, past the lines and lines of people. Charlie has to admit that’s promising, at least. Surely a hundred teenage girls wouldn’t be queueing for something unworthwhile.

“I thought as a musician you’d be buzzing for a free invite to the Troub!”

Charlie’s turn to roll her eyes, now.

“The Troub?”

“Let me pretend I’m in on the lingo, too.”

“God, you’re just making it worse.”

Becca is Charlie’s only remaining friend from her pre-band days. In contact far too little, but enough to see each other in between schedules. Becca manages a restaurant in London, and throws killer house parties every Saturday. It’s ritual.

Of course, with band life, Charlie barely ever attended. But since the split and a (much too long) nine month hiatus from the industry, she’s had a little more time for living her 20s like she never entered that competition in the first place.

“You want a drink?” Becca shouts over the already loud crowd. Just as Charlie opens her mouth to answer, her forearm’s gripped so tightly she’s sure the blood supply’s been cut off.

“Oh my God! Charlie Greene?” A girl practically screams in her face, holding the hand that isn’t keeping Charlie there in a death grip over her mouth.

Despite her usually extreme routine when it comes to being avoided in public, Charlie assumed tonight could be a one off. Who would recognise her in this crowd, in this venue? Panic strickens her before Becca has to step in, shoving the girls palm off.

“Dude, don’t touch strangers like that.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just such a huge fan. I can’t believe you’re here! We all thought they were just rumours.”

“What?” Charlie’s dumbfound, forgetting all that media-trained ‘smile at the fans, don’t let them know you want to punch them’ bullshit.

“You know, you and–”

“Look, I’m sure you’re a nice kid, but we’re just trying to enjoy our night. You want me to buy you some alcohol to get you to go away?”

“Becca–”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, of course. E-enjoy your night.”

The poor girl scurries away, screaming something to her group but Charlie’s too riddled with guilt to hear what.

“For fuck’s sake, Becs, she’s like sixteen!”

“Gripped you like a forty year old WWE champ though, look at your arm!”

Charlie glances down, noticing the white and red splotches beneath the hazy blue lights. Becca has a point, even if she was a little harsh about it.

“Screw the drinks, let’s just get backstage before anyone else tries to cut off your circulation.”

Nodding, Charlie follows Becca through the crowd, making sure to keep her head down this time. Of course they’re asked for IDs and stage passes before getting through, Becca proudly letting security know they’re friends of the guitarist.

“I’m so proud of Mitch, man. He’s come so far. Can you believe he used to work in a pizza shop?”

“I know, it’s impressive shit,” Charlie nods, hugging her hoodie tight to her chest. Something bad swirls in her gut as she watches the audience from the safety of a thick curtain, seeing whispers and screams shared.

“You don’t think that’s about me, do you?” She points for Becca. Becca scoffs.

“Nah, don’t get too up your own ass, Char. The act’s probably about to come on.”

The band will be entering from stage left, opposite to them both. Charlie has to admit she’s curious. It’s been forever since she’s attended any kind of underground gig, it’s exciting – what music’s really about.

“Gemma Styles.”

Until that moment.

Ears ringing, throat drying, sweat forming. Charlie grips her hoodie so tight her knuckles blanch – she’s wrong, she has to be. It’s just her mind and anxiety playing tricks on her. It’d be impossible for–

“No way, Charlie?”

“Fuck.”

“… Charlie?”

“I mean hi! Sorry, hi!”

Pretending her ears aren’t still painfully ringing, Charlie accepts the open arms of the woman in front of her. Specifically, the sister in front of her. Her ears stop buzzing enough for her to hear Becca’s gasp beside her, and enough to hear her heart coming up through her throat.

“I can’t believe you’re here, it’s so good to see you!”

The one thing Charlie never understood was how Harry could be so intolerable and Gemma could be so… Gemma. Despite the ugliest truth she’s discovered in a while coming undone, she feels somewhat comforted by her hug and her words and her smile.

Perhaps they’re all a little too alike Harry, or perhaps the opposite. She can’t tell. There’s a lot happening.

“Yeah, um…” at a complete loss for words, Becca quickly steps in.

“Hi, I’m Rebecca. Friends with the guitarist.”

“Oh, Mitch! Isn’t he amazing? I’m Gemma, Harry’s sister.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry.”

Charlie shoots Becca a pointed glare. She apologises again, a little more sincerely this time.

“So does Harry know you’re here? Bet he’s thrilled, are the others here?”

“Um, no. And no. Not that I know of. I’m actually here for Mitch, too.”

“Oh, I–” Gemma frowns, understandably confused, but is cut off by the house lights dimming and some opening music starting.

Charlie pinches at her arm beneath the once soft material, it only now feels scratchy and too thick. Should she run? It seems like her only viable option. Except her feet are failing her and it’s too fucking late because–

“Hi everyone! I’m Harry, it’s a pleasure. This is my wonderful band, and we’re going to play a few songs for you. Starting with a new one, this is Complicated Freak.”

Frozen to her place, Charlie listened harbouring feelings she couldn’t quite place. Part of her wishes she had just done those few shots before she left like Becca had quite smartly suggested, but a larger part of her wishes she never came.

Because fuck, has she missed him.

She’s missed his voice, and his hands, and his eyes, and his dimples, and she could say she’s missed his hair but that’s gone with the last nine months. She missed watching him concentrate entirely too hard on playing the guitar and she missed watching that crease form between his brows as he closes his eyes and just feels the music. His music.

The music that sounds eerily familiar. Then suddenly flashes of a tour bus come to mind; long hair and slender fingers strumming a guitar. Lyrics that rendered a little to close to home but were promptly ignored at the time now echo the venue, echo her chest.

“Thank you so, so much everyone. I’ll see you soon!”

Harry lifts his palm to the roaring crowd, intimate and small yet still as deafeningly loud as she remembers them always being for him. Begging for an encore, or at the very least one more wave.

But it’s only then that she realises, still stuck to the floor, that he’s taking his guitar off. He’s offering the audience one final bow and kiss, and he’s turning, and he’s walking, and he’s grinning ear to ear and accepting his friends and family’s congratulations, and then he’s stopping, and he’s staring, and his lungs have stopped and his heart has faltered and–

“You wrote me.”

His lips quiver, paused in an effort to say the right thing. Say anything.

“Yeah, I…”

It’s as if the venue and people around them grew wings and flew away as time itself stopped just for them. The first time they had seen eye to eye in the time you could grow a whole fucking baby for God’s sake – and yet they could barely speak. So much unsaid, it’s almost too much. What do you start to say to the love of your life – who you lost?

Luckily, the people around them didn’t actually grow wings.

“We’ll see you later, H,” his older sister squeezes his dead arm, nodding towards Charlie (as if she saw) and then the other confused onlookers who had developed behind them during the show but fuck if Charlie noticed.

Gemma leads the group out, leaving the pair of them in a silent standoff, the muted sound of a dying crowd and crew starting to clean punctuating the quiet.

“Drink?”

“I wanted to call you so many times.” Charlie finally admits, three double vodkas deep.

“Why didn’t you?” Harry almost whispers four whiskeys in.

Malibu’s, their old, usual haunt, has been avoided for the last nine months. Not a single band member dared to go, whether it be that Zayn no longer bartends there or that they were afraid of memories. But it felt like the only place for them to be right now. Elbows leant on the same sticky counter, knees pressed together in their tipsy mis-care, no time passed yet the whole world between them.

“I was scared.” Charlie begins. “I needed time, and after I realised that you leaving us didn’t really matter in the end, I was too late.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Come on, Harry. I saw the tabloids. A month after we split you were seen with this person, that person. You had moved on from us, from me.”

Her confession is startlingly sobering, and Harry can’t help but gulp down a painful lump at the way her eyes water. Harry hadn’t moved on in any sense of the word, Harry was simply trying to find Charlie in anyone he could. The way in which he had coped with his web of feelings for the woman for the past six and a half years.

“I could never move on from you, Char. I was just… lost.”

Charlie snorts, turning to down the rest of her drink.

“Baby I–”

They both freeze. Harry didn’t mean to call her that, but God, doesn’t it feel natural? Isn’t that why it slipped out in the first place? Yet, a slap in the face would have felt better for Charlie. The vodka gets caught in her throat, the once warm liquor running ice cold down her chest.

She turns, her heart melting at the sight of his face. It’s that same heartbreaking, broken concoction of regret and worry knitting his brows and dripping from his eyes. And it has her lips hungrily on his.

He catches her, grabbing her hips as he opens his legs for her and draws her to his chest, breathing in every inch of her. Because that’s what kissing Charlie is like. Oxygen for the first time, water for the first time, life for the first time. His rough hands snake up her back, grip her sides, pinch her skin. Her nails rake at the nape of his neck, muscle memory expecting locks to hold onto but finding short curls as their home instead.

Their tongues and lips work in an unspoken agreement, all the way to her new apartment by the bar, all the way to her bed.

They didn’t speak. They were both far too terrified to lose this moment. They just needed each other, the touch they’d both been desperately chasing for months. Charlie closes her eyes as Harry’s mouth starts its attack on her neck and is transported to Louis’ apartment, where she first felt that same desperation.

“Please.” She breathes, wrapping her legs around his hips, eliciting from him a muffled groan as she grinds up towards him. He nods into her neck, his lips still working down her soft skin. She still tastes the same, that strawberry vanilla he could drink by the gallon.

Charlie claws at his back, making an attempt to remove his black button-up as he moves down her body. She just about manages it as he settles between her legs, pushing up her denim dress without grace or care before biting the edge of her knickers.

The heels of her feet press into his toned back, her palms already fisting the sheets as he harshly grips her hips to push her back into the mattress.

A million thoughts run through Harry’s head, but fear holds him back from saying a single one of them. Months ago, he would’ve told Charlie everything. How good her thighs feel, how fucking pretty she looks laying there, needy for him. How much her soft little pants sound like she should be begging for him, how hard he is for her like this.

But he can’t. For all he knows, he’s simply a mouth right now. He’s not Harry, he’s just something she needs, and fuck if he’ll be whatever she needs.

So he bites into her inner thigh, sucking away the sharpness as she grips and tugs at his hair. He moans into her skin, eyelashes fluttering against her hips as he kisses the top of her pubic bone. His touch is rough in every place but his lips as he makes a path to her core, pressing teasing kisses over her clit. Her knickers are fucking soaked through, and the sight alone is enough to send him berserk.

“Charlie, I’m gonna have to–”

“Please, just–”

With that sliver of permission, he reaches down, squeezing himself over his trousers. The slightly relieved pressure has him gasping against her lace, which quickly becomes wetter. Charlie sits up on her elbows, watching Harry touch and squeeze while he continues to tease her.

And it’s there. In between the need and the pleasure, Charlie begins to cry. Softly, quietly, but enough to garner Harry’s distracted attention.

“Hey, hey,” Harry moves back up her body, tugging her dress back into place as he squeezes her hip, “I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s fine.” Charlie’s voice cracks as her head hits the pillow, hot tears quickly meeting her hairline before she can wipe them away.

“Sweetheart–”

“I’m not your fucking sweetheart.” Charlie murmurs between gritted teeth, sending Harry aback. He sits up on his heels, his touch slowly leaving her. Charlie presses her palms into her eyes, squeezing the tears out as she muffles sobs against her hands.

“That’s the problem.”

It’s hardly above a whisper, but Harry hears every last syllable. Leaning back over her, he removes her fists, gently brushing her blotchy cheeks.

“I’m just drunk and emotional and weird and–”

“Stop it,” Harry murmurs, pulling her up to sit in front of him. “Tell me what you’re feeling.” When she doesn’t budge, he drops his head and whispers, “please.”

Charlie finds his eye. In so many ways, he’s unchanged. He still looks at her like that, and it crumbles her, just as easily as it did all those months ago.

“Everything got so fucked up, Harry. The band, me, us. I haven’t sang a chord in months. I see the guys, what, once, twice a month? And you…”

“It’s my fault, Char.” Harry sighs, collapsing beside her, rubbing his face. “I left, I split everyone up–”

“You needed to.” She interrupts, stern. “I didn’t realise at the time, it took me a while to accept it, but you needed to. Niall was starting a family, everyone was starting to burn out, even if we didn’t want to admit it.”

“You did the right thing.”

Those fives words are all that Harry’s wanted to hear for nine months. He’s spent countless, sleepless nights wondering if he’d messed everything up for everyone, forever. If in his selfishness he’d forgotten to use logic.

“I’m just not sure I did.”

Harry frowns, turning to look at Charlie.

“What do you mean, Charlie?”

“I worry that I was… hasty. Rash.”

Harry can’t help the small smile that starts to tug at his lips. He lifts his knees and rests his chin on his palm to hide it.

“I did a really messed up thing, you were justified.”

“No.” Charlie sighs, looking at the ceiling. “I was right to be mad, but I wasn’t right to have said all the stuff I did. I was especially not right to leave you.”

Harry’s chest jumps, but he tries to calm his excited heart before Charlie can finish. When it comes to her, there’s no real predictability. She might be about to destroy him all over again.

“Those six years mean more to me than anything I’ve done in my entire life. You were there through everything, every shitty and amazing thing, all I can think about is flashes of you. My sister, my audition, my first heartbreak, my first– I could go on and on, but the point is, you were there.”

“Even if you annoyed the shit out of me for the better part of it, you’re my life, Harry. I was stupid to think I could ever live it in the same way without you.”

It’s impossible to fight his grin, now.

Charlie finally turns to face him, instantly rolling her eyes at the sight of him. His entirely too wide smile, his glinting eyes and how they quickly flit to her lips, the twitch between his brows that lets her know he’s holding back a comment.

And despite his speechlessness, his answer is obvious.

“You sure you don’t want someone easier?” Charlie lilts, swaying into him.

“Why on Earth would I want anyone else?”

“I don’t know. I yell at you a lot.”

“I’d rather have you hate my guts than have anyone else.” Harry takes her waist, easing her beneath him again as he hovers over her. “I’ve spent my entire life waiting to hear you say that, you know.”

“Entire life is a bit dramatic.” Charlie drapes her arms around his neck, her fingers finding his nape. That hair is going to take some getting used to.

“Nope,” Harry pops his P, leaning down to press a kiss to her jaw. “You’re my life too, Char.”

She leans back into the pillow, her thumb circling his neck. “You mean it?”

It’s Harry’s turn to roll his eyes, now.

“You really have to ask? What more could I possibly do to prove to you that you’re it for me, you always have been.”

Charlie smirks. “I could think of something.”

“Always thinking with your dick, Greene.”

Charlie lets out a scoff, and Harry let’s his chest do whatever it wants.

@lilfreakjez @be-with-me-so-happily @sirtommyholland @tpwksm @b-reads-things @tiaamberxx @daphnesutton @mleestiles

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missjoolee · 10 months

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This is a mixture of shower thoughts fic and lying in bed after taking a sleep aid fic, so is it good? who knows. but apparently ao3 is down so enjoy! lol

Warning: not proofread at all.

the band has been working diligently to make a name for themselves and while they have a decent following, they’ve all had to take day jobs

on one of the days they are all working, julie almost misses a call form a record label that recently saw them perform and would like to sign them on

she says she is excited by their offer but would need to speak to the rest of the band first, to which they are understanding and even offer to email a pdf of the first draft of the contract to them to review and they can set up a time to meet if things look satisfactory

she rattles off the band email before ending the call and texts the band group chat before heading back to work after her break

“a label wants to sign us! contract in band email. can’t wait to go over it with you guys! <3 <3″

she feels her phone buzz with an incoming response as she’s walking back to the front of the store she works at and quickly checks it.

L- yes! rock n roll hall of fame, here we come!

as she is reading that, another texts arrives and she laughs at Luke’s impatience

L- emails not there yet :(

back at the front, the afternoon rush hits and julie doesn’t have time to check her phone, but she’s felt it go off several times in her work apron and, while she’s never hated the customer service industry, she absolutely cannot keep a giant smile off her face the whole rest of her shift

so she’s a bit blindsided when she finally gets to check her phone again as she grabs her things from her work locker and the first message she sees is

L- I’m not signing this.

it must be a real bad deal then. her heart sinks as she continues reading

A- ?

R- oooo bad money deal?

L- money is fine.

L- not a good fit for the band

A- how do you mean?

luke didn’t respond and the next message comes 20 minutes later

A- F that. i’m not signing either

R- guys. what is going on?

R- oh

R- okay, yeah no

by now Julie’s anxiety is starting to climb because how could it not be a good fit? this label is known for signing bands in the pop-punk genre. What on earth would make the guys turn this opportunity down? an opportunity they have worked blood, sweat, tears and years to get. How could they dismiss it so easily?

she needs some time to think (but does she really? it’s the anxiety talking) so instead of responding, she pulls her bag strap over her shoulder and begins walking towards the exit, tying her hair up in a real messy bun to keep herself from picking at her fingernails

The clouds in the sky are pinkish purple against the darkening sky as the sun is low enough to be blocked by the surrounding buildings. heat still emits off the parking lot pavement, alluding to the Hot summer days thar have fallen upon the city.

Julie takes a deep breath before heading to the employee parking

Luke is leaning against the back of her car

"Luke? What are you doing here? Is everyone okay?!"

"Yea, Boss. Everyone's fine," he reassures her before pulling her into a hug. "I just wanted to see that million dollar smile."

Julie can't help but smile

She holds him tighter as her thoughts quickly jump back to the contract. She questions him about the group chat. How could they possibly all be saying no?

His arms tense around her, before letting her pull back to look at his face. He reveals that the contract actually starts off pretty decent. The label just had one stipulation that was a deal-breaker.

What? What could possibly be a deal-breaker when the rest is that good?

"If we sign it, they'd be able to force the band to undergo cosmetic dentistry."

"Oh." Her stomach drops. She wants to look away from the boy she's described as having the perfect smile. Alex and Reggie are basically right there with him. She forces her hands to stay put, but they scream to cover her mouth, her face. Her eyes drift down and stop on his Adam's apple. This is about her.

One of his hands gently cups the side of her face, tilting it so she is looking up at him again. His eyes are sad.

She can't stand it. She can feel tears welling in her eyes "I- I could do it."

He's shaking his head vehemently before she can finish. "No, Jules! You are perfect and beautiful just as you are. If they can't see it, then they aren't the label for us."

"But-"

His other hand moves up to cup her face in his hands.

"Be who you are, don't compromise, julie. Fuck them."

Julie is overwhelmed in that moment. Tears break free of her lashes, but a laugh rings out as she pulls his face to hers.

His lips ground her and she cant believe how lucky she is to have such a supportive boyfriend. She pulls back and remembers the others immediate refusal to sign as well. She couldn't ask for a better band and family. She thanks her mom for the millionth time for bring them to her.

She sniffles from the tears but a smile is back on her face as she teases him. "Did you quote our own song at me just now? What a dork."

He's grinning back. "Well, the gal who wrote that line is pretty smart."

He pulls her to the passenger door "let's go home"

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tokkibbang00 · 10 months

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BACKBURNER - HAN JISUNG (1)

MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS, DO NOT INTERACT. UNEDITED.

synopsis: It's no secret to anyone with eyes that the two of you had something special. But sometimes, special isn't just enough. You think you can stay away and prevent yourself from further falling for Han Jisung. Clearly, you were wrong. No matter how much you try to walk away, he always comes back after you— always comes back to you. inspired by Niki's Backburner.

rating: (n)sfw

pairing: idol!jisung x idol!afab reader, ??? x idol!afab reader

genre: slight angst, hints of fluff (ig), idol!au, mutual pining.

warnings: cursing, slightly suggestive, jisung is kind of stupid and is a red flag 😭, kind of dialogue heavy.

word count: 3051

date posted: 07-07-23

It feels like fate was testing your patience, and the test comes in the form and name called: Han Jisung.

Comeback season was over and you were drinking with your bandmates in the dorm to celebrate. A few cans of beer were scattered on the table alongside bags of potato chips and cups of ramyeon. You were enjoying the quiet night, while your youngest was out with her friends in a PC Room near your place and the two Japanese members were tasked to buy more alcohol downstairs after 3 games of rock, paper, scissors.

Everything was going well, until someone started calling you in the middle of your small celebration.

It's been almost 20 minutes and your phone has been buzzing non-stop on the table. Yunjin and Chaewon stared at the moving object with you; you didn't want to answer it despite the annoying buzzing it's making.

“Are you sure you don't want to answer that?” Chaewon asked, pulling her legs up to her chest as she leaned back on her chair.

You shook your head at her, finishing your beer and placing the empty can back down. You looked back at your phone, seeing he was still calling you.

“What are the both of you and Jisung anyways? It's been like this ever since who the fuck knows when,” Yunjin stated, concern in her tone as she sees you zoning out on the object in front of you.

You were obviously tired of this.

You and Jisung have a complicated relationship.

The both of you go way back since you were trainees in JYP. You ended up moving to Source Music a few years later and debuted under Le Sserafim, while he debuted under Stray Kids.

You've been friends with him for 8 years now.

At some point, the both of you were closer than others.

You'd attend their concerts and be the one who waits for him backstage afterwards, congratulating the group. He'd be the one sending you snacks or taking you out to meals during his free time whenever you were too busy to even eat.

When he's out on tour overseas, he'd never forget to get you souvenirs that remind him of you. He would message or call you in the middle of the night just to show you random things he'd encountered throughout his travels.

The both of you had your secret rendezvous near Han River when the nights were quiet. Catching up in life or ranting whatever it was bothering you that day.

It was inevitable that you would fall for him at some point.

You mustered up all the courage that you can get and tried confessing to him a few years ago. He reciprocated your feelings, but it was all complicated due to their dating ban and you were just a trainee.

The both of you decided to stay friends after that. Everything stayed the same. As if you were back to square one.

He and the guys congratulated you when you debuted. They've been in the industry for four years and you finally got to be with them. Jisung's dating ban has been lifted and your company was freer than most.

Maybe you got your hopes up. But even then, nothing has changed.

You and Jisung were at a standstill.

Ever since a year ago, you thought it'd be different. Your lingering feelings towards him were growing and it aches you that you can never really call him yours. You have no right to be jealous whenever you'd see him flirting with other idols backstage. You have no right to prevent him from dating other people.

It's been different with him. As if he forgot your confession and his own from a few years ago altogether.

This time, you swore to yourself you'd distance yourself from him; prevent yourself from developing any further feelings.

But in the end, he'd always run back to you.

It feels like he's been keeping you within his reach, but never keeping you at all.

You got your phone, declining the call and turning it off.

“We're human beings, that's what we are.” You sighed, throwing your phone towards the couch.

Yunjin rolled her eyes at your response, “No shit, you guys are. What are you planning to do now?”

You shrugged at her, popping a chip in your mouth. Internally, you were struggling on keeping yourself at bay and not succumb to the temptation of answering or checking your phone.

Your two members couldn't help but just look after you through the night.

“Congrats on the new comeback bubs! I'm sorry I wasn't here to celebrate with you.”

You can't help but smile as you hear Chan's voice on the other end of the line.

“Don't apologize! I'm glad that the tour was a success.”

You can feel him smiling with how upbeat his voice was when he thanked you.

“I got something for you, of course. We should make-up for the celebration sometime soon. By the way— Sungie has been moping since yesterday when we came back from the airport. What happened?”

You nibbled on your lower lip, leaning back on the chair and staring at the studio's ceiling. It's almost 11:00 p.m and you were at the company's studio working before Chan called you.

You purposely did not answer Jisung's calls last night. Besides the fact that you were celebrating with the girls, you know he'd invite you back at their dorms and you'd easily give in and go to him immediately.

You doubt he'd be sulking because of you.

“I don't know, I didn't answer his calls last night because I was busy with the girls. I texted him right after though.” You said, your tone unsure.

On the other end of the line, Chan was in his company's studio too. Instead of finally taking a break before their comeback, he was doing last minute polishes to their songs. He took a break to call you and check up on you. The topic of Jisung wasn't the reason why he called you anyways.

He just really missed you.

Chan nodded even though he knew you couldn't see him. He knew what's been happening between you and Jisung but he never interfered, it was something the both of you had to deal with yourselves and he'd only act on it if he sees that something needs to be done.

He hummed, saving his files and closing his laptop. “He'd get over it, he's a big guy now. Tell me if I need to knock some sense into him— I mean that as gently as I can though.”

You chuckle at him, you knew he was always soft and gentle towards the guys. But his words would really kick you into your senses when he tries.

“Don't worry Chris, I got this. You should try resting, you just came back from tour and you're working again.”

“I'll be fine, I'm packing up anyways.”

“Mhm, good.”

A few seconds of comfortable silence passes through the line until you hear him zipping up his bag. “I'll text you when I get back at the dorms, okay? See ya Y/N~” He said cutely.

You can't help but smile as you said your goodbyes to him and then dropping the call.

“Has Y/N finally came to her senses and broken up with you?”

Hyunjin teased the man who was pacing around his small studio. He was finishing the painting he left before they went to do the last leg of their tour.

Although he was finding the man's distress slightly amusing, the squeaking from the wooden floor— not so much. Hyunjin's eyebrows furrowed as he took one of his unused paintbrushes and threw it at Jisung, hitting him on the back of his head.

“Ow! What was that for!?” Jisung complained, phone on one hand as the other rubbed the spot where the pointed end of the paintbrush hit him.

“Sit the fuck down and give me back my paintbrush. The floor is as creaky as it is. You're ruining the peace in here.”

Hyunjin went back to his painting as Jisung followed his orders and huffed, looking at his phone screen.

The last thing you messaged him was for him to go and rest. He hasn't heard from you ever since a few days ago when they came back. He was so used to you just being, you know, there. You were always by his side and so was he to yours.

Ever since they left for the final stops of their tour, you've been distant. Jisung noticed that.

“We were never together in the first place, Hyun.” He mumbled under his breath, closing his phone and placing it in his pocket.

“Oh, I know.” Hyunjin snickered at him, stopping for a while and turning to the man seated near him. “You know— If you don't do anything about it, they're going to get tired of whatever's going on between the both of you eventually.”

“I feel like that's far from happening?” Jisung replied, unsure.

Hyunjin rolls his eyes at the level of stupidity he was showing. He can't help but hit him with his paintbrush once more, earning another groan from the boy.

You have been Hyunjin's friend for as long as Jisung has. It's no secret that you two had a connection of some sort. He saw what the both of you had— you couldn't just stay away from one another.

There are times where his blood would boil just because he's a witness on how Jisung would treat you. He goes around getting caught in dating rumors and actually dating other people when the both of you had something going on.

His friend was a red flag, or maybe just oblivious. But he could never really understand what goes on in Jisung's head.

The fact that you have been distant from him these days is basically a neon sign flashing in front of everyone's eyes already.

The boys already noticed it since a year ago. Hyunjin can't believe that it took so long for Jisung to even did.

“God, you're so stupid.” Hyunjin says before turning back to his painting. “Why can't you just fight for her? Ever since the both of you confessed to each other 3 years ago, everyone thought you're gonna get together.”

“We had a dating ban and she was still training.”

“Then why did you continue to see other people except for her? Why didn't you just wait for her?”

“She deserves someone better than me.”

“I'm glad you know it too, Sherlock. But that's not a good enough reason for you to constantly keep her just in arm's reach. You could've just been clear to her from the start.”

Jisung knew he was continuously fucking up.

He was scared of losing you.

He was content in what you guys had. The both of you were constantly there for each other and were supporting one another. He was scared of losing his support system and his best friend.

He's stupid, but not that stupid.

He knows that what you guys have will eventually end. Maybe it's wishful thinking to even hope that it wouldn't. Jisung thinks this isn't going to end badly nor would it end so soon.

He knows you— Right?

He never really thought of it that far. But the idea of losing you sends his heart plummeting down to his stomach.

Jisung shrugged off Hyunjin's statement. “Whatever, let's talk about this next time. I'll try to call her again. I'll be in my room if you need me.”

Hyunjin hums a reply, eyes concentrated on the canvas.

He stood up from the chair, fingers brushing his hair as he started walking towards the door. Before he walked out of the studio, Hyunjin calls his attention once again.

“If it's not your stupidity that ends the both of you. Someone else might. Don't regret it when the time comes.”

It's been a week since the boys came back to South Korea. They finally have a few weeks off for themselves before they start preparing for their comeback again.

You pulled up your facemask up to your nose bridge and fixed your beanie as you looked around your surroundings. You were seating on a blanket you've laid out near Han River. It's past midnight and there were still a few people walking around the main trail, either going home or were hanging out with friends and lovers.

You sighed out, warming your hands and placing them inside your hoodie pockets. You had to be careful. If anyone were to recognize you, you'd be in great trouble. You didn't want to get into a rumor early on your career.

Most especially, not with Jisung.

You clearly haven't learned your lesson since you agreed on meeting up with him tonight.

He called you up last week, saying that he missed you and he wanted to give you a present. It took a lot of convincing for you to agree and go here.

You'd like to think you're just here for the souvenir he got you. But you know to yourself that's not true.

You were tucked away on the further side of the park to ensure that no one would be suspicious of you. The only people who sat around you were a couple who was stargazing and a guy who decided to take a break from walking his dog.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, I got you beer though!”

You felt your heart skip a beat as you hear his familiar voice behind you. His hand touching your shoulder as he sat beside you.

You raised an eyebrow at him, “How did you know it was me? Maybe I was just some random stranger. Poor you would be so embarrassed.” You teased him, getting the can of beer from his hands.

He lowered his facemask for a quick second just to stick his tongue out at you before pulling it back up again.

“You always wear the same bunny beanie every time we're here. How could I not recognize you?”

You thank the heavens that it was dark out and you had your facemask on. You couldn't help but feel your cheeks heat up.

Note to self, wear Zuha's cap next time.

Time always felt like it slowed down when it was just the two of you. Whether it was here, in your dorms, or out in your favorite places. The two of you looked like you came straight out of a movie.

He cozied himself to your side, legs stretched out on the blanket while he leans on his right hand which he placed on the ground behind you.

You guys eventually fell into random conversation. Talking about his tour and a bunch of new animes that you've been planning to watch. After a while, Jisung placed the empty can of beer beside him and decided to finally address what's been bothering him the past week.

“So, how are you? I haven't heard from you since I came back.”

Jisung tried to played it off nonchalantly, even though he feels like he's going to barf his heart out soon. He was nervous finally seeing you again, after what feels like months of not. He knows you've changed, but that isn't going to stop him from getting closer to you.

You hummed in response, finishing the can of beer he gave you. “So-so. We got busy promoting our comeback. Sorry for the other night, really. The dorm girls wanted time together.”

“It's fine, I understand.” He said, “Congrats on the comeback, by the way.”

He glanced at you.

You were looking out towards the river. The lights from the bridge and park reflected down on the water and the soft wind was blowing your hair out of your face.

You look beautiful in his eyes.

In reality, you were looking out because you were trying to avoid his gaze.

“Thanks, Chan told me we should go out and celebrate some time soon.”

“And I agree with whatever hyung says.”

You groaned, “Yeah, but I'm too lazy these days.”

“But you're going to be hanging out with us! I'm sure you missed me a lot.” He teased.

You scoffed, even if you knew he was right. “Sure. Whatever floats your boat, Han.”

You leaned back, his arm acting as a back rest. You looked at him, finally locking your eyes with his. Your faces were inches away from each other. You want to look away but you can't, his eyes reeled you in.

He always had that effect on you.

Jisung can't help but bring up his hand to your cheek, thumb grazing softly on your skin before his fingers gently tangle themselves into your hair.

“Sung... What are you doing?” You whispered. Your hand slowly wrapping around his wrist.

Your ears were ringing and your head was going numb.

This has never happened to the both of you. No matter how close you guys were, Jisung always avoided any further intimacy other than a hug or a cuddle.

His mouth was slightly parted, while his eyes were focused on your lips. He didn't know what to say.

What would it feel like to have your lips on his, was the only thought that ran through Jisung's mind at that moment. His heart was beating faster as knots form in his stomach. He inhaled, smelling your perfume that he absolutely adored.

He can't help but close his eyes.

He usually had control over his feelings, but tonight was different. The past month has been different.

Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's just you.

He slowly leaned in, your foreheads touching and noses nudging. Your upper lip grazing the other's, feeling each shallow breath they were taking. He can feel your eyelashes softly brush his cheek.

You sighed.

“We can't.”

Jisung's eyes immediately shot open as you pulled away, inching away from him as you pulled up your mask.

He was confused. He knew you liked him, and he liked you too. At some point this was going to happen.

What he failed to realize was that, your mind immediately doubted his intentions. Reminding you how he still dated other people and practically forgot about both of your confessions, as if he didn't confess that he had feelings for you.

“Y/N. What do you mean?”

You immediately stood up, getting your things. Slinging your backpack over your shoulder, “I have to go.”

Tears threatened to spill out your eyes as you turned away from him.

You should be happy, but you weren't.

Before Jisung had the chance to stop you, you were already walking away from him. Leaving him standing there with thoughts plaguing his head and his gift still sitting inside his bag.

NOTE: Characters presented do not represent anyone mentioned in the story. This is a work of fiction and is not real.

a/n: i finally got into posting this— i've been busy these days. so, i'm sorry for the inactiveness. how was comeback season for you guys? (being a multi was hard during may to june, july is looking pretty sus too 👁👁)

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lexivass · 5 months

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I love Taylor's music as much as the next person but her fans are fucking unbearable. Some people in Brazil wanted to make a moment of silence due to Ana's passing right after champagne problems, when Taylor is usually applauded for a couple of minutes. And the comment section was FILLED with people saying like "nooo, that's a terrible ideia. Taylor's gonna be so sad, she's gonna think we hate her, you guys know how she tends to take everything personally 😭😭"

Foda-se???? A 23 year old girl died. A family lost her daughter, her friends who loved her will never see her again. She was studying psychology, she had an adorable cat who's probably still waiting for her to come home, she was part of an athletic association at her uni, and if you know anything about athletics you know how close those people are. She's not coming back. THIS IS NOT ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT. She didn't kill her and she's nowhere responsible for her death, but putting the focus on her like she's the only one grieving (or the one who's grieving the most) is fucked up.

How come her fans treat her like the most powerful woman on the planet and the INDUSTRY when everything's okay, and in moments like this she's back to being a defenseless 16 year old? Honestly, make sense, people. She's a 33 woman, if she has a problem in not knowing how to cope with her self loathing and thinks everybody hates her and can't separate professional from personal she needs fucking therapy. It's exhausting when you people try to baby her. She's a billionaire, for fucks sake. When the Manchester tragedy happened Ariana paid for all the funeral expenses of 22 people and made a whole festival to pay homage to them. Taylor posted a little note and didn't even contact the family, Ana's own father said that.

Just because she's a great artist it doesn't mean she's a great person. We love her because we can relate to the good and bad feelings she writes about, but that's all her career's been like for almost 20 years: making a spectacle out of every single thing that happens to her and never doing anything to change it or actually getting over it. Do you really wanna put yourself on the line for someone like that?

#taylor swift #the eras tour #ana benevides #the eras tour rio #the eras tour brazil

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symphonic-scream · 7 months

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....I'm intriqued about Lovers Arcana Naoto

I'm so glad you asked

Okay so. Lovers Naoto is. An idol. BUT WAIT HEAR ME OUT LEMME EXPLAIN

So. Naoto was scouted for an idol group named Royale at age 12. There's 5 members, and they trained for years to debut at age 14. So. With Naoto being in first year, by the events of Persona 4, Royale has been about for a year or so and are quite possible

Naoto's stage name? Prince. The sole boy in a group of girls.

He's, supposed to be the sorta pretty boy that attracts young girls to be fans but doesn't intimidate male fans who are interested in the girls. But, there's. A bit of an issue. See, Naoto is. Trans. He's a trans guy, and if that was found out, his career would be over for sure

Like, the others in Royale are on his side, they're like a little family at that point. But, the agency outlined in his contract exactly how his transition goes. It's like, they own him. And he signed it, young and naive

All's pretty okay until they find a camera in one of the girls' dressing rooms. That's when the panic attacks start. Naoto collapses during a dance practice from the stress, and he's forced into a little vacation. The whole group goes on hiatus for a little bit, and he goes to stay with his grandfather

Of course, it's not a restful break. Some of his new classmates are. Odd. And then he's pushed into a TV, where his shadow self reveals his inner demons. How he never, has felt like himself. He looks in the mirror and hates what he sees, the fear that. At the end of the day, his agency might turn around and cut off his T doses, limited as they were before.

His shadow dances around in a little skirt and mocks him, and poor Naoto just. Breaks and shouts on the ground. The others come to help him out of course,, but in the end, he has to accept his own shadow. His own inner hatred of what the industry he claimed to love has. Done to him

He's their Navi in this too! Cause Rise is a team member on the battlefield and all

(when he returns to Tokyo after everything, he asks his fellow Royale members to. Stand by him as he asks for a change in contract. They agree, and all 5 get new, fair contracts that do bind them to the stage until they're 20, but. Naoto gets to take control of his health, and there's benefits for the others as well)

Bonus! During the investigation stage of his arc, his fellow idols are in Inaba! They rushed to town when it was revealed he was missing, and try to assist the team without breaking their NDA about Naoto's identity

One member comes real close, who's codename is Knight. She, has known Naoto the longest. She wants her friend back safe,

But yeah! Idol Naoto. I'm. Yeah.

(psst. It's a NaoRise au.)

#persona 4 arcana swap #p4 arcana swap #p4 #persona 4 #naoto shirogane #lovers naoto au

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bcacstuff · 9 months

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Hey BC! Thanks for your latest post. Fyi, most employees, managers, in high level positions in marketing in the US anymore are female and they are making good money, not a fun folly while their husbands/bf are supporting them as another blogger was assuming. My best friend's, a guy, wife is in a marketing position similar to the VP you mentioned in an earlier post. She has always made more money than he. She currently makes upward $250k/ann with perks. He has joked over the last 20 years of how spoiled he is by his 'sugar ma'. A few fun pictures don't tell it all, and I agree with you about Chrissy, but it's part time for her yes? Isn't her main job with her family's company?

This message is about this post I wrote last night. I wanted to answer this, but didn't get to it earlier today.

It's just too easy to judge women in higher or even top positions. It happens too much, much more than men in general. And I've a feeling that there are more men screwing up in top position than women.

As a woman in a high level position, and I speak from experience, you have to proof yourself double as much as men. They always look at you like, you just got that position because you're a woman... and you can think of the rest of the thoughts. It's actually quite offensive.

One of his friends, Matt Neal, is a representative of Uncle Nearest. Did anybody ever had any comments about him or his work? Yet, when there are women involved their work is under a magnifying glass, and yes, yesterdays Anon called them 'fans'.... without having a look at their accounts on IG.

About Chrissy though, I don't know if it is a part time job or not, but that doesn't matter. it's a job and you're supposed to do it right. But that's just the thing. And I'm not going by only the pics or stories she posts, but take this event. She was there, she was involved. And I've seen many, many pics and posts and footage of the event. Lots of people there, teams, brands represented etc. etc. But what did we really see from 'The Sassenach'? They didn't promote themself from their IG account. I've seen all brands there heavily promoting themselves. And reposted by the IG account of Tales of the Cocktail. I saw many people posting pics and videos of the rooms/tastings/keynotes/workshops and all that was there. And yet, SS only posted via AN and SH's account. To their, or should I say his fandom.

Am I wrong to expect this would have been the opportunity for Chrissy to put things to work, network and get their name out there. Except for the few 'fan' pics, pics from the SGSW women, and some friends, I've not seen anybody from the industry posting about the SS. Not seen anybody posting about that tasting room or whatever it was. And as said, saw many people, and they all posted lots of footage about numerous brands and experiences. But not The SS. 🤷‍♀️

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winterpinetrees · 4 months

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Long Character Bio for Ryn.

Name: Councillor Ryn Stormson Mercuralis

Pronouns: He/Him

Species: Elf (Spark)

Age: 233 (about 40)

Special skills: genius tactician, sailor, just google Air Force Pararescue and see what they can do.

Appearance notes: 5’7 with a strong athletic build. He is ethnically ambiguous as most commonborn elves are, with wavy dark brown hair and dark gray eyes. Ryn has calloused hands and a tattoo of northern hemisphere constellations over his shoulders. He wears a noble vambrace with exactly two red dots. He has somewhat rectangular pointed ears.

I think this is going to be the longest bio. I rotate this guy around in my brain constantly. He’s just… in the wrong setting. He’s doing great, but he fundamentally should not be here.

Ryn Stormborn Mercuralis is the second most politically powerful person in the Elf World. He’s in the bottom 5% in terms of magical power though. Ryn has one biological son (Fen) but is also a father to Ishtar’s other kids. The coup would not have been successful without him. Thanks to his upbringing, Ryn views humans as well, human. He knows what a war crime is and wants to commit as few as possible. That being said, he wholeheartedly believes that global conquest is the best path forward. This will require war crimes.

Ryn was born about as far from the high nobility as possible. He is a spark from a harbor town parallel to the Gulf Coast. His people are Voyagers. What they lack in magical ability, (you will rarely find a Voyager that isn’t a spark or less) they make up for with grit. Ryn’s last name “Stormson” is actually a title given to the boldest and most skilled Voyagers. It means that Ryn can fly planes like a fighter pilot, sail solo across an ocean, and has basically every skill admired by the Voyagers. He earned this title by the equivalent of his late teens.

Around this time, the human world was going through the Industrial Revolution. Most elves believed that humans would discover radiation soon, and make it to space. Some, especially the nobility, felt threatened by this. Elves, for comparison, hadn’t sent anything to orbit in seven thousand years. Voyagers had been the best astronauts back then, but that was dozens of generations ago. All Voyagers want to go back to space, but it’s viewed as an impossible dream. But Ryn was a Stormson in his 60s. He’d already done the impossible, so why not do it again?

Ryn left home to try and join the nobility when he was 20 in human years. He not only survived the YA novel-esque noble school known as the Conservatory but excelled. He allied with Ishtar Mercuralis to win the final wargame and they earned global fame. Ryn became a rising star of the nobility, but was all but disowned by his people. Voyagers do not kill other kids. Guess what you do at the Conservatory. In the following decades, Ryn has used his power to slowly drag elf society back into a space age. They haven’t built any rockets yet, but they’re getting damn close, and public opinion is finally on his side.

Ryn is a peerless tactical genius and near-perfect shot, but without much magic, he is helpless in noble combat. His relationship with his birth culture is also complicated. He kept his title “stormson” even after joining Genus Mercuralis, and has been trying to raise all three of his children with Voyager values in mind. It’s really difficult though. The voyagers believe in curiosity, equity, and teamwork. The nobles run their entire society on eugenics. It’s Not Great.

If Ishtar is strength, then Ryn is resilience. He might not be able to crack a continental plate like she can, but the ocean and wind eventually wear everything down. Or at least Ryn likes to think of himself as the storm. He’s not. Ryn is a sailor at sea. He’s been dealing with powers he can’t match for centuries now. He can’t get out, he can’t take any of his choices back… and he doesn’t want to. Ryn has always done the impossible and he sees no reason why his luck should run out now. Ryn has forgotten how close he is to drowning.

Ryn watches a lot of softer sci-fi, both human stuff and elven media from the elf space age nearly ten thousand years ago. He is very emotionally invested in NASA. The song I associate with him is Notos by the Oh Hellos.

#by me #the gap years #ryn stormson #my ocs #character bios

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seasurfacefullofclouds1 · 2 months

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The TS fans are kind of too much. I used to like her music in her earlier years, I think her last was actually her worst album, but I did like her earlier stuff, some songs quite a lot. Her fans have put me right off her, the way they attack and how focused they are on numbers and how any criticism of her makes them label you as a misogynist. Of course she has experienced misogyny, she’s a public woman in a still heavily patriarchal industry, but come on. Feminism isn’t to stop people from rightfully criticising the bad behaviours of women. Those stans doxxed a Palestinian woman because she criticised Taylor. That is insane behaviour, literally put a woman in real danger because she criticised a woman they don’t even know. When she won her fourth aoty, I was flabbergasted. Even if you love TS, even if you think she is the greatest artist of all time, how can you think her winning that award more times than the total times a black woman has is right? Black women have made some of the greatest and most important albums of all time but they are not rewarded for those efforts. They box their music into certain categories (it’s not a coincidence when you look at the categories black artists win in - black artists can win against other black artists but not against white artists, oh no) and it’s infuriating how white people continually speak over black people’s experiences and the realities. I do think the aoty has to be about more than simple quality, it has to say something. The Grammy’s have never been great with black artists but it almost feels worse rather than better over the last 20 years and you think it would have been better, if society has progressed as much as some people like to pretend it has. It’s honestly worse and even more corrupt and at the mercy of the corporations and labels rather than the talent and quality. Sometimes legends of the industry didn’t use to win these big awards until they were further into their careers, now it’s all about who you know and essentially bribing selection and voting committees. Zayn was 1000% right with what he said. Taylor isn’t the cause of the racism in the industry but she has greatly benefited from it. It’s depressing to see black people be silenced and criticised and called jealous for pointing how white artists are prioritised in the music industry in the same way they are prioritised in every other aspect of life.

You know how Billboard publishes the most powerful people in the music industry every year, and the top ten all tend to be white men, and it’s been the same guys for decades?

Because there are few people at the top, and few people who have the influence over billions of dollars.

The movie industry is similar, but music is a much smaller group. Small international movies still get screened. Small music artists, women and POC especially, do not, unless they play the game and are slotted into genres— and even then, it is tough to make it to the top without the backing of those top ten white men.

It’s not Taylor’s fault, but a woman at her level understands what it has been to struggle in this industry, and could— if she wanted to— speak up for other women artists and POCs. Mainly Taylor’s feminism is for herself, the way that Harry’s TPWK is aimed at himself.

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sea-saur · 2 months

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gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

#transmasc #gender rant #it's really train of thought under there #basically a diary entry lol like i needed to get this out #like why do i still feel like a girl in my head!!#it drives me crazy!#fuck!

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monkey-network · 1 year

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My Issues/Problems/Disgusts Resolved(?)

When you have issues, troubles, or disgusts with anything, the hardest but relieving thing to do coming to terms with them. A couple of years ago, I made a trilogy of posts exploring three people I found ranging from repugnant to devious. It came at a time when frustrations might as well have come out and frankly they were just about people everyone was more than aware of online. Enough time has passed and while this isn't just gonna be me apologizing or being remorseful for what I said, I want to I guess truly bury the hatchet and resolve these stuck-around feelings as somebody that has... been humbled a lot over these years (make of that what you will). This is coming from somebody that knows a lot about staying in your own head. So yeah, let's talk.

Lily Orchard [OP Link]

Gotta say that... nothing's really changed only in that it's all less with anger now. Put this first because it'll be short. To be as sincere as I can, she's just an unlikable person. Regardless of her out there opinions and ideas of media literacy, or her choices in fictional tastes, I won't be the guy that will throw every evil label and the kitchen sink onto her. Calling the spade a spade, even as a former fan I saw that within reason it was seeing a very insatiable and arrogant media "critic" with negative social skills. Hell, the mentions you see of her on Tumblr or Twitter especially are just the open secret that most people don't like her. For me, that resentment has become passive chagrin.

I won't convince anybody of who she can really be, how bad she can be at being both original and derivative, or what she is potentially. I wouldn't say a lost cause, but there's nothing complicated about this anymore. She's just a massive asshole. Not because of any human characteristic of hers, her opinions, or what was known about her in the past. Take away any personal semantics or bias, I remain only puzzled about how her circle is able to tolerate her presence because she's just an unlikable person and that's all on her.

Butch Hartman {OP Link}

2020 basically was the year where a man responsible for one of the most popular cartoons on Nickelodeon finished swan-diving his reputation just as fast as the likes of John K and Justin Roiland. From scheming a streaming service that still isn't out of early access yet to making a Christian flash cartoon that looks 20 years too late. It's a classic story of pride coming before the fall, culminating in his Youtube channel being a wasteland aside from sketch tiktoks that barely make the thousands in views despite his huge follower count. As much as LSMark looked to make good-faith conversation with him recently, Butch basically became a ghost now after all the controversies died down.

Now despite what I said initially, Butch's fall in reputation is definitely not comparable to Kricfalusi or Roiland's; we've heard nothing of him physically taking advantage of anybody in or out the industry. The worse he's done is take advantage of his legacy for either financial or supportive gains. This is not as bad as domestic or sexual assault of course, but it spoke wonders of how the ego of big time creators can kill any goodwill and faith when they're not actually considerate of the following that respect them. A quick search of his name on Youtube is more about the people discussing his controversies than anything he worked on. People still discuss Danny Phantom and Fairly Oddparents, hell the Cosmo mpreg episode is a meme to this day, but with the detachment towards Butch as the creator.

I'm fine with this predicament, but it's sad to believe this was all on him. It wasn't just about Oaxis being a scam or him saying "he created your childhood" or heaven forbid his attempts of promoting religious healing, it was about seeing a creator of some things you liked reveal himself as someone in a bubble that you lose any idea in looking up to. It's not exactly "Don't Meet Your Heroes," more "Don't glue on rose-tinted glasses". I won't force or insult what remains of Butch's "fanbase" for sticking with him, but this definitely woke me up in terms of how I view the creators I love. Humility is the special word in all this, where some creators can have some disapproving moments but you can still have respect for their craft. With Butch, it wasn't even him entirely that made his shows look great. As of now, he's making poorly illustrated kid's bible stories with Fairly Oddparents getting a live-action show that Nickelodeon regretted making immediately after releasing to the point of erasing it all not even a full year after it was first announced. Even when things are probably fine now, the guy fell off as hard as I expected originally. I can seriously put this behind knowing I was factually right on the money the first time and that does put a smile on my face.

Also... Butt Shartman. That's all, let's move on.

Mysterious Mr. Enter (OP Link)

I'll say this was the reason why I made this post. Lily and Hartman I say speak of an absence of change and reflecting on that absence. Mr. Enter is different and, cut to the chase, it has to do with this recent video.

youtube

I've talked my fair share of shit toward Mr. Enter these past few years, reasonably so. At the same time, my vitriol toward him came from some semblance of respect. Many have to this day brought up Mr. Enter calling out the writers of Spongebob for a particular episode they did, but John is right in that that was around the time he barely had a following and just started out with media reviews. Mr. Enter has made bad opinions, I will never deny that and this isn't me defending him, but I see that he can recognize they're bad. He's better than Lily Orchard in that... he can admit being wrong and grow from it. We meme and shit on this dude, but for me, there was still that modicum of respect I had for him being this dedicated. In spite of the harassment or the justified backlash, he's still putting in the effort.

Over the years, I've come to understand that media critics can have different understandings of media. That doesn't mean every critic is always right in their own way, grifters exist for a reason, but I don't see Mr. Enter as a grifter-type critic compared to people who to this day complain about The Last Jedi. He can have some off takes on the types of humor or tropes in a cartoon, but more often than not he's being sincere. That's why I say he still has some respect from me for as long as I've known him. Every bad take aside, I don't take him as somebody who is "ruining media criticism".

I don't agree with everything he says or believes, but John's doing better than I can say for Butch Hartman or Lily Orchard especially. He's doing Admirable Animations again, something I brought up originally, and am intrigued to see that he indirectly took my advice. He can work well with more positive videos. I never felt he was an actively terrible critic, Turning Red meme aside, and I didn't want to just treat him as the bane of online media criticism or the worst thing to ever happen. The dude has his faults but can acknowledge them better than most online personalities I've seen who feel it's weak to admit anything. He's no different from the Nostalgia Critic where the tumultuous attitudes toward them in the past have subsided where yeah, I'm not gonna side with every bad opinion or choice they make but they aren't actively killing any goodwill I would have for them. It's not pity, but making your empathy less black and white compared to people more deserving of scrutiny. Overall I still have hopes Mr. Enter will do better, imperfect as things can get.

Conclusion

I wanna say this post and the former three I made reflected the increased awareness and discourse of the parasocial relationships we can have, especially online. There have been plenty of people that certainly abused their status and paid for it, these three stayed in the mind for how consistently they tracked in soiling their reputation. At the same time, how wary we are about things or the people we followed isn't always cut and dry. That's why the title has the question mark in parentheses, nothing ever ends so I'm not saying these current feelings will just be buried away and forgotten forever. I just know that for this current future, it's better to seriously lay things to rest while subconsciously keeping in mind what can be done differently from now on. To conclude, this is all better than having to care about people like Andrew Tate or Elon Musk living another day.

#mysterious mr enter #mr enter #Butch Hartman #lily orchard #media #Youtube #sorry for the rant 'n bant

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majaloveschris · 1 year

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The more I think about pumpkingate the more I get confused. I think Queens are right they are the oldest blog around and they know Chris and his antics more than anyone. They have the opinion Chris trolled and I think they are right.

Halloween is not a big thing in non English European countries. There is no point of uploading a Jack o Lantern pic long before halloween. I think Elsa was trolling CE fandom after her daughter came back that they would bring up rumors again on halloween so that fans keep checking her and her daughter's ig and they keep getting views and clicks. They wanted attention before her show got launched. Elsa was also found following troll account layland on twitter and someone discovered AB's father on youtube account under some AB's interview he was also found to be following celeb tarot blogs who had talked about his daughter and CE. The whole family is trolling.

It's unbelivable that Chris is not aware of the rumors and the hate, there are hateful comments on his ig under the pumpkin pic. Yes he is working but his team knows everything about the fandom and they must update him about everything that's been happening. He wasn't at Tara's party let's be real. I think his team decided to send a message to AB's family and team that it's enough and they know. That's why he posted the same pic this is their way to tell them we know what you have been doing and it's over. I think Elsa got panicked and she deleted the pic they probably have been taking Chris very lightly that he either probably doesn't know or he doesn't care of course he doesn't care but keep in mind Chris is not as dumb as we like to think he has been in this industry for more than 20 years may be his team had enough he had enough. Chris is a powerful and a lot of influence like it or not he has the power to ruin her career if he wants to but he is not. I think it's a warning from him.It's for the first time that Ab started to untagged herself and started to delete the comments and block people her team is now trying to distance herself actively. She didn't delete a single comment when she reactivated her ig there was nothing changed and her mom uploaded the pumpkin pics on the same day she got back fans have been keeping an eye since then because they were expecting something to happen on halloween.

I think AB and her team will now slow down. This is just my take on the situation because it makes sense to me. I don't think so Chris is in a rs with her nor he is in any kind of friendship. IF he were it's been one year it would have come out he wouldn't make laser focus comment wouldn't call Dodger his long term partner. We know there is nothing with Chris.

Yes she is probably friends with Tara and Scott but with Chris it's hard to believe. He might have met her on NYE and have followed her before but it doesn't even confirm the friendship thing.

He interacted with Aly Raisman we know they are friends and didn't care what fans had to assume because he had always been linked to all women around him whether friends or acquaintances.

Many fans do not want to put him in the light that he might have trolled a mother who is not famous but keep in mind he is not a dumb guy and he and his team have a lot of experience in this industry to deal with awkward thirsty for attention people trying to use his name people just like clout chasers from PT. Sorry for the long ask.

No problem! Thanks for your long message!

I actually didn't know about Elsa following troll accounts, and I also didn't know about his father. I thought they had nothing to do with all of this, but who knows at this point? I agree that I don't see the point of uploading a Jack o' Lantern picture on October 13, in the middle of the month. The one thing I don't understand is: why did Elsa think that the CE fandom would watch her Facebook account? Maybe she received messages there, or they just assumed that people are lurking on her page. But if Chris didn't post the picture, would people actually care about it? Or Elsa would've still changed her profile picture on Instagram, so people would start speculating?

Alba definitely seems to be distracting herself from this whole situation, which I wouldn't really understand if they were together. He knows what people say about him, and what they comment. He is definitely aware of everything. Maybe he didn't care about it, but at some point, I get that this whole thing is getting tiring. I got a private message today from somebody, and as we were talking, they mentioned something interesting: revenge. Maybe he thought for him to take revange for everything. But at the same time, if we think about it, usually when people started speculating about their relationship, it was because somebody on Chris's side did something. It was quite different at the very beginning, though.

Can they be friends or acquaintances? Yes. Are they in a relationship? I doubt.

#cevans-love #ab dating bullshit #fuckin pumpkin picture #alba's mom

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secretxxpaladaiseu · 5 months

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"I see." Xuan nodded. "For me it's been 6 years ago. I had just turned 20 when it happened... Sometimes I wonder when did time fly by so fast, you know? It feels just like it all happened yesterday..." There was a nuance of sadness in the man's voice. Maybe regret? There were sure many layers to his past, layers that maybe he would reveal over time. "So it means you are rather familiar with the industry. That's good." The smile was right back where it'd been just minutes before. "I guess I can start with some introductory details to brief you in until we get to the bar. It also helps the time pass easier." Xuan seemed overall relaxed, no indication that would lead her to believe he was trying to hide something. "My organization specialized the most in the trade of firearms and information. I smuggle the goods from China and then I sell them to people like you who might be in need of good military equipment, or a spy to gather information on a rival or someone of interest for you. And if need be, I personally also take jobs as a hitman. You could say I am a polyvalent kind of guy!"

The moment of sadness wasn't lost on her as she listened, knowing that feeling all too well. It was a rough thing to deal with, and she still hadn't properly been able to soak in and deal with herself. It was still a dark cloud that hung over her at times, but she had no choice but to continue pushing forward.

As he began describing his organization, her face quickly lit up. "Ah! Yes, yes. I do recall your organization very well now. My father had a hard time making connections with Chinese organizations, so he had very few. Given, he was careful about how many connections he had period, but he liked the expanse Chinese organizations had. They had a better footing seemingly everywhere. Korean organizations have a lot, of course, but the Chinese are better spread out." It was perhaps the most she had said all night, but it also was a sign of just how well she understood her inheritance.

Looking up, she motioned towards an alleyway, where a lone neon sign lit up the very back end of the path. "Right down there."

#apple rply;

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skincare-surveyor · 10 months

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Grandma’s 2-Step Skincare Regimen

Yes, I’m serious, it’s only two steps.

My grandmother had the nicest skin I’ve seen. In her 80s, she was commonly mistaken for someone 20 years younger. These are the two products she swore by.

1. Witch Hazel - Toner - AM

If you’ve read my other posts where I talk about toners, this is the reason why I think most toners are overrated. Everything they’re trying to do, witch hazel already does, and it does it for a fraction of the price. And unlike those new products, where I feel like I don’t know if they really work, witch hazel has been around long enough that its results are proven.

Witch hazel is a small tree/large shrub bush. We distill the leaves, bark, and twigs to make the liquid we see sold in stores. It is used as a toner and astringent, and has a whole ton of uses you can read about here. As a toner, it is great for oily, acne-prone, and combination skin. It removes dirt and impurities, brightens and tightens, helps with texture and the appearance of pores and skin redness, has a mild antibacterial effect, and rebalances skin’s pH.

Use this in the AM. Put a small amount on a cotton ball or pad and gently wipe over the face, avoiding the eyes. My grandma always said you do this twice. Once to open the pores up and a second time to really get in there and pull out dirt and bacteria. Then splash your face with cool water to rinse and close the pores.

Witch hazel is sold at pharmacies. There’s witch hazel that’s mostly used for first aid and tends to be sold in generic bottles. These tend to be higher in alcohol content because they are intended to be used as an astringent or wound wash. If you pay a little more though, there are brands like T.N. Dickinson’s or Thayers, who have a higher quality product suitable to use on the face.

If you want your toner to do a little bit more, try using a Witch Hazel + Rosewater blend. Thayer’s also has a few other witch hazel blends you can look into. I recently tried Thayers Witch Hazel + Cucumber blend. (Honestly, it’s not for me. The smell bothered me a lot. But it’s not a bad product; I just didn’t like the smell.)

If you are worried about the natural alcohol content in witch hazel, some brands have released alcohol-free versions of their original formulations just for the beauty connoisseur.

2. Cold Cream - Makeup Remover, Cleanser, & Moisturizer - PM

If step one blew your mind, you’re really gonna lose it now.

Cold creams are a very old school beauty product that have been around for ages. They are emollient-rich, waterless cream cleansers that take the place of at least three products in your skincare regimen. Whoa, I know it’s crazy, right? But seriously, a good cold cream is worth its weight in gold. You smooth it on the face and neck at night, and it takes off all your makeup, gives your skin a deep, non-drying, non-stripping cleanse, and re-moisturizes it. Depending on the ingredients in the cold cream, it might also take the place of a treatment. These guys are multitasking powerhouses! They’re a skincare staple in places like France.

I know what you’re thinking. Okay, so why aren’t cold creams more popular?

I think the first reason is pretty simple. It’s because companies want you to buy more stuff. They don’t want you to have one product that does almost everything you could want. They want you to buy into the idea that you need a 6-step skincare regimen. But you don’t. A lot of my favorite products are ones that multitask.

The second reason you don’t hear much about cold creams anymore is that the skincare industry has changed, but a lot of the traditional cold cream producers haven’t. They’ve got ingredients in their products that aren’t good for your skin. Take a look at the ingredient list for Pond’s Cold Cream, which is a classic cold cream in the U.S. Even though they’ve revamped the formula, the base ingredients still aren’t great for your skin.

Third, the wording has changed. I have seen a resurgence of this type of product over the last decade or so, but they’re being called things like ‘facial balms’ or ‘melting cleansers.’ I guess to distance them from the reputation cold creams have developed or try to distinguish them as something ‘new.’ Here’s a few keywords to look for:

Cleansing Balm

Facial Balm

Melting Cleanser

Cream Cleanser

Cleansing Cream

Cold Cleansing Cream

Cold Cream

The idea is that you’re looking for a multitasking, emollient-rich product that’s going to remove makeup, cleanse, and moisturize in one step.

That being said, I do have some good Clean Beauty options for you, organized on this handy-dandy table from least to most expensive.

If none of these offerings are doing it for you, it’s also easy enough to make your own cold cream. There are plenty of DIY recipes out there. I’ve made one with vegetable shortening, jojoba oil, and ylang-ylang. Works great, although some may want to avoid it because vegetable shortening has a high soy content. And, if you haven’t heard the news, we just found out through longitudinal study that soybean oil damages DNA & causes permanent changes in the brain. Given this new information, I’m now doing my best to avoid it. You could easily sub any DIY recipe that calls for vegetable shortening with coconut oil, as it has a very similar texture.

Anyway, that’s Grandma’s 2-Step Skincare Regimen for those of you who are interested in paring down your products and simplifying your routine.

#skincare #clean beauty #su speaks

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htvewor · 2 years

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Mp3skull vet

#MP3SKULL VET SERIES#

You couldn't go anywhere in 2012 without hearing "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons and the video had monster success itself. Their song "I Will Wait" was definitely one of the most popular and most played songs of 2012 on television and radio. They won "Best Rock Album of the Year" at the Grammy Awards this year which was a big deal. Mumford & Sons have taken the US music industry by storm the past couple years and they are currently one of the hottest new rock bands of 20. WITH VIDEO AND SONG DOWNLOADING INKS FOR FREE.ENJOY Buy a copy and judge for yourself.Top 10 rock songs with description only on MUSICNATOROID It's the most personal and touching of Hollywood's Vietnam treatments. You can't NOT be affected by what happened in Nam.

#MP3SKULL VET SERIES#

The 3 experiences, his, Voight's and Fonda's merge together at the end, in a series of heartbreaking realizations, until you're left as broken as the country was after the war. Bruce Dern is the hardest to sympathsize with on the surface, but you realize he's been scarred by what he's seen too, and what has happened to him in his absence, so his world becomes more bitter as everything he once knew shatters around him. It's very subtle and deeply felt acting that can achieve this and both Fonda and Voight deserved their Oscars for their moving and expert performances. But then she sees an entirely different world when he's gone, and over months, falls for his total opposite, symbolizing how much she can never go back to the woman she was at the beginning. She begins the picture somewhat naive, easily trusting, and sort of tied to her straight laced military existence as the wife of an enlisted man. The Jane Fonda Sally character is such a person. People you would never expect to protest a US -involved conflict, or even question it, did so with Vietnam. When attitudes change and characters grow from harsh realities, you can't help but be caught up in their struggle. To suggest a film be made showing an unaffected soldier would be incredibley unbelievable. No one returned from the war the same person. The true life accounts must be gut wrenching. Without a single scene of combat footage, this story manages to convey, in realistically painful terms, how much Vietnam scarred the landscape of America. And I'm just telling you that there's a choice to be made here. I'm a lot fucking smarter now than when I went. And I don't want to see people like you, man, coming back and having to face the rest of your lives with that kind of shit. And there's a lot of shit that I did over there that I find fucking hard to live with. I'm here to tell you, it's a lousy thing, man. Because there's not enough reason, man, to feel a person die in your hands or to see your best buddy get blown away. And now, I'm here to tell you that I have killed for my country or whatever. And I wanted to be a war hero, man, I wanted to go out and kill for my country. When I was your age, all I got was some guy standing up like that, man, giving me a lot of bullshit, man, which I caught. That's all I want to tell you, because I didn't have a choice. And I'm telling you it ain't like it's in the movies. And I know some of you guys are going to look at the uniformed man and you're going to remember all the films and you're going to think about the glory of other wars and think about some vague patriotic feeling and go off and fight this turkey too. Because all you're seeing is, um, a lot of death. And when you get over there, it's a totally different situation. Luke Martin: You know, you want to be a part of it, patriotic, go out and get your licks in for the U.S. Luke Martin: Sergeant, do you mind if I ask you a question? High School Class Pres.: And now, with a different perspective, we have Luke Martin, combat veteran of the Marine Corps. Marine Recruiter: The Marine Corps builds body, mind and spirit.

#Mp3skull vet

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mmorgtastic · 2 years

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Mp3skull vet

#MP3SKULL VET SERIES#

#Mp3skull vet

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