#living not existing 3

[hesitationss]

zines that bring me comfort.

Living Not Existing #3 by geoff

i love geoff's Living Not Existing #3 so much. although my experiences differ from geoff's, it is just so affirming to read through how geoff is thinking and reflecting on themself, their life, failures, anxieties, etc. it's comforting to know that i am not alone with my insane thoughts and that i am allowed to feel the full range of my emotions. when i first read this zine, i became so erratically emotional during my read. it really hit me that so much of my love for perzines is searching and consuming other's experiences in hopes of being understood by strangers. reading about their experience as filipinx, being a queer and trans person of colour, recovery from addiction, mental illness, past relationships, etc. is all so meaningful to me. i can't express how much this zine means to me. they have such an inviting way of speaking to their experiences, but in a way that prioritizes their care first and foremost. geoff's zines in general are such a generous document of living and experiencing life. i feel so lucky to have come across this when i did.

Same Place, Same Time by Ann Xu

i remember picking up this at TCAF with my close friend who is also chinese. when we became friends, we bonded over the fact that we struggled with being connected to our culture, and that apparently we both come from the toisan region in china. i remember that her grandfather had passed away in our first year and he had been her primary access point to her culture. for me, i have always known my paternal grandparents, but because of complicated family issues, i was never as close to my grandparents as the rest of the grandchildren, as well as having not met my maternal grandparents until much later in life. i think the reason why this zine about imagining what life would be like if the artist had known their grandmother growing up resonated with my friend and i so much is because of how much grief we have for "could be" relationships with our family. i frequently find myself thinking, "what if life had been less cruel to my younger self? would i feel emotionally close to my grandparents?", "what if the barrier of violence and poverty wasn't there? would i know my language better? would i talk to my grandparents like how all the other kids do?", "what if i had met my maternal grandparents earlier in life? what if i had grown up in china? what if my parents had better relationships with their parents?" but just like he zine says, i didn't. i wonder how many other people who have been affected by poverty, violence, displacement spend their time grieving over these possibilities...

#zines #international zine month #perzines #same place same time #living not existing 3

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

#yeehaw #1k #5k #10k #posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours? #also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that! #unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference #edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense #also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags #1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now #he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic #2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign #like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock #3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing #it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is #extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once #it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life #i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about #Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect #if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it #aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[haunted-xander]

For what do you live?

#meant to post this a lot earlier but it just didnt... feel right? #and now im like fuck it. woe sciosn be upone ye #i was originally gonna have banana(wol) here too but then the amount of panels would be uneven >:( #so i removed her (im srry bby i love u i prommy </3) #anyway. i love them and seeing them fight for their right to exist in ew despite several of then having had #issues and doubts and all that in regards to their own lives and well-being hit me hard #i mean several of them are implied to not mind dying/not caring about surviving and at least one of them is/was explicitly suicidal! #and yet!!!!!! #OUGH #thancred waters #y'shtola rhul #urianger augurelt #alphinaud leveilleur #alisaie leveilleur #g'raha tia #tataru taru #krile mayer baldesion #estinien varlineau #estinien wyrmblood #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art

[turtleblogatlast]

Every single member of the Hamato family is equipped with the cantrip Vicious Mockery and 80% of its use is friendly fire.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #is it a headcanon if it’s true #2% of the non-friendly fire time it’s used on villains #3% on randos #and the last 15% is exclusively for Warren Stone #for the 80% friendly fire a good 50% is directly to Leo #25% Donnie #3% Raph and Splinter #2% everyone else #Leo: *breathes* #Literally Everyone: You gotta be humbled #Leo’s wisdom stat being shocking high is what saves him from insta death on the regular #meanwhile Warren Stone exists in the Hamatos’ lives exclusively to be mocked and you know what #he’s the villain who’s treated most like family ❤️ #by virtue of being mocked just like them lol #even a regular chill day isn’t enough to save the fam’s hit points #they’re always missing at least some from vicious mockery alone #rip Leo at least a quarter of his hit points are gone daily 😔

[floweroflaurelin]

He’s very friendly in the presence of children!!

Any scene with Lady—I mean, Queen—Gwendolyn de Rolo is automatically my favourite scene 🥺🐀❤️

#critical role #critical role art #critical role fanart #critrole art #gwendolyn de rolo #pate de rolo #pâté de rolo #de rolo family #cr fanart #bells hells #critical role campaign 3 #cr c3e76 #floweroflaurelin art #critical role spoilers #cr spoilers #it was going so well until it wasn’t 😔 #I was so caught up in the euphoria of a child finding Laudna Fun Scary that I lived in a world where Delilah Briarwood doesn’t exist

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

warlock wizard Wally scribbles... Thinkings! oh and a bonus bard-ish Barnabys in the corner for flavor

outfit ramblings:

first of all that is a Terrible rendition of what Home looks like in my head. i just needed to fill empty space </3

the staff was the toughest part honestly. bc it Had to be paintbrush-themed, but then halfway through scribbling i was like "oh shit. there are only so many ways to draw a paintbrush-wizard-staff and Weevmo already hit it out of the park." so if you're seeing similarities! you're right! i tried to make it as different as i could! there is Inspiration from their marvelous design, however accidental or subconscious! Apologies!

he gets a pointed hood instead of a hat because a) it looks great on him! and b) it has less of a chance of messing up his hair! also c) it helps muddle the difference between Wizard and Warlock. typically hoods have evil/duplicitous connotation - blur the lines! i want his long gloves and forearm wraps to have the same vibe. his neckerchief is a big help in hiding Home's seal!

his layered (loosely apple-themed) capelet (which the hood is attached to) has a nice high collar & hides the details of his loose shirt - eye embroidery! and some flowers on the shoulders but yk, mostly eyes. on one side of the shirt buttons has open eyes, the other side they're closed! there's also one big eye on his back!

his belt buckle is two halves of an apple! he wears tall thigh-high boots w/ low heels to feel Taller! he has a book-holster hooked to the back of his belt, which holds his grimoire! and he has a lil thigh-bag that has been magicked to be Bottomless and warps size! he can fit pretty much anything in there! canvases! paint! apples!

his half-skirt thing (idk what the word for it is!) is really plush, like a quilt - his capelet is the same fabric. soft, cozy. sometimes he'll use the skirt thing as a blanket in a pinch, or as a picnic placemat!

is his outfit a little Complicated? is it annoying to replicate? yes and yes. but im a maximalist at heart and Nothing But The Best for the blorbo <3 layers my beloved <3

#i know ive said it before but whenever i make an au its essentially an Exploration in a sense #and this fantasy au ~Bog Edition~ is basically me going #'so wally and his house huh. whats up with that' #and maybe im taking it a bit to the extremes #since home is pretty much warlock wally's god??? sorta? loosely?? #well it literally gave wally life and a body. so. #and it also literally took the place of his heart - wally Cannot live without home #they have a fun 'we cant exist without each other now' codependent very devoted kinda unhealthy relationship #wally sometimes has to do terrible things for home #and home will do terrible things in return for wally. even when wally doesnt want them to #and they both love each other very much <3 what kind of love is it <3 fuck if i know! theyre Weird About It though #its the only dynamic an ancient lovecraftian horror & the puppet they gave life & tethered itself to can have!!! #wally wisely keeps home & his 'warlock' status a secret from his friends for as long as he can #they just dont understand his & home's bond smh #scribble salad #welcome home #wh fantasy au #gonna have to workshop barns.... #i need to balance the fantasy + hes a distinguished fella + bard #hence the hat. the hat stays. #gotta find the right vest... #and then everyone else if i feel like it.... #outfit design is so Grueling but i refuse to keep it simple #there have to be LAYERS it has to be IN CHARACTER i have to put ALL THE EFFORT INTO IT

[mecachrome]

assortment of favorite 🤨😬 oscar expressions 🥰🥺

#oscar piastri #* #love the xmas one because it's his reaction to angelina saying “a bit of happiness could help!” make men experience misogyny etc. ❤️ #happy rawe ceek... releasing this from my drafts so i can be free 🥲 #(tbd tag spiel) anyone else suffering from worst insomnia of their lives because they exist in a permanent state of paralyzing dread..... #TT__TT mais c la vie. sorry for being obsessed with this man's face #also As a complete aside it's been 3 days & yet i'm STILL thinking about gtg trying to gaslight valtteri over teemu selanne's career stats #give that man his retroactive point back!!!

[sea-me-now]

fun fact; Splatoon themed 3 in one body wash and shampoo exists

#(not my photo) #it costs ¥638 which is around $5 #i found that this existed because of this one guy i follow on instagram who lives in japan and posts about splatoon products #previous things they’ve posted include a 1000 piece splatoon 3 puzzle and the splatoon themed instax camera #things like this are so silly but i wish we still got stuff llike it over here #personally i really want the offical splatoon soap dispenser #splatoon #splatoon 3

[dappersautismcreature]

this is gonna be so sappy forgive me lmao

i have been alone on christmas before, ive been stuck at home while my mom was away with my sister, my dad was recovering from surgery, my dog was too, and just imagining how id sob if i had the community i have now to support me through that.

the qsmp team recognizing that and putting together a fun, funny, sweet, calming, gathering place stream is one of the sweetest things ive seen. i know if im ever alone on christmas, or ever feeling alone in general, i know i at least have this community to turn to. and that sweet vod to watch.

ive never been great at interacting online, its always seemed like a colder way of communicating to me, I struggle with it. but the people on here, you guys are full of warmth and genius ideas and are genuinely hilarious. every single one of you <3 its been a pleasure to post about qsmp with you guys for like, nine months.

due to a lot of weirdness surrounding friendships at the start of this year, with a few friends just totally ditching me, ive really needed to feel somewhat safe with people I interact with. thank you for being so kind and awesome, i feel safe in this space, lmao.

every single one of you, that celebrates christmas, i wish you the happiest of holidays. and if its not great, if its loud and scary and stressful and whatever, a bit of gary advice from someone who's been there, a day is a day, you can create the feeling whenever. do not hold joy to one day. holidays, even if nothing bad happens, can still be stressful, but that isn't eternal.

happy christmas, all that junk

#i am slightly autistic about christmas in the way most people on here are about halloween #perfection does not exist though #so stress #but we live on :3 and we get presentsss and cozy #qsmp #mushroom screams #but fr the start of this year #the first six or so months #was horrid #like my mental health was the lowest its been #the qsmp community helped pull it out of the gutter #<3

[latin-dr-robotnik]

Y'know, I wouldn't mind if they actually start producing visual novels or RPGs as actual Sonic games in-between major Sonic Team releases.

The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was a pretty solid game, all things considered. For a free April Fools joke it got me laughing through most of it, and I really enjoyed its touching moments, especially during the last act and the whole arc around the Conductor.

I can see them striking some gold handling projects like this with bigger dev teams and actual budgets. The fact they can use smaller games to tell short stories in Sonic's world and make it feel so alive and connected is something I've been craving for a while, and it doesn't even have to be a platformer! Ever since I discovered fangames like Sonic and the Mayhem Master years ago, I wondered if SEGA could take another shot at the RPG genre, or something more story-focused.

And sure, this time it was a visual novel, but it landed pretty close to what I had in mind. This whole experience was well worth my time, and some real cash too if they asked for it. I hope this charming little joke game can open more possibilities for the future of Sonic games.

#sonic the hedgehog #the murder of sonic the hedgehog #something in me thinks sega executives wouldn't have let this game exist if they didn't want to test something #it's likely they're looking into how well this was received and if people would be interested in bigger sonic games like this #at least for a spin-off saga or something #what else are they gonna do for the next 3-5 years? more dubious quality remasters? another racing game? #i might be wrong but they're always taking notes #anyway great game i laughed a lot and enjoyed a lot of it #also it took me like 6 hours to beat lmao that was more than my first Forces playthrough #i took my time exploring dialogue options and translating on the go for a live audience

[bumblingbabooshka]

S'chn T'gai-Grayson Family Memes

#Spock #Sarek #Michael Burnham #Amanda Grayson #Sybok #Spock's siblings....they are always up in the air #you've heard of schrondinger's cat now get ready for Spock's Siblings #are they alive? dead? do they even exist? changes literally every time #star trek memes #T'Pring: Stonn what are you doing today #Stonn:....Perhaps taking a walk?......I was considering taking my binoculars to better observe the birds. #T'Pring: (head over heels) Excellent #SNW GIVE ME MORE T'PRING CONTENT PLEASE I'LL BE SO NORMAL <- lyinglyinglying #Girl who just wants to live a normal life in a normal partnership....<3<3 and WHY SHOULDN'T SHE??? #Sarek Voice: Apologies for my son Sybok...they/them pussy has him acting most illogically.

[medicalunprofessional]

merged my two psychonauts doodle pages with a bit of appearance headcanons thrown in… uuwgghh

+ these little thangs i never posted

sorry for making you look at bobby. i am half asleepe

#psychonauts #nightmaretheater #Ohhh Boy… here comes the tag fest…………. im. nto taggin everyone sorry #cripsin whytehead #bobby zilch #razputin aquato #sasha nein #milla vodello #most horrifiyingly rendered picture of crispin whytehead to ever exist #crispin lives rent free in my head #get him out please #coach oleander reads watership down and cries inconsolably for 3 days straight; severely dehydrated #for context i like to intetpret crispin’s uneven lips as smuged lipstick #of course he wears lipstick he has blue hair and pronouns #sasha nein catches catboy disease (fatal??) #you cant understand the horror i felt when realizing dogen was amogus shaped i cried

[hyakunana]

I was yesterday years old when I realized I've been coloring my Exo wrong all this time — but instead of updating in game, I'm retconning my art

#destiny 2 #destiny the game #destiny art #bungie #exo guardian #the young wolf #oc guardian #fanart #in which alfa the hunter was legit born with wormhusk palette in her head before it ever existed #ngl i was bothered a long while with the white head for many reasons #1. too bright 2. elsie's head is also white 3. didn't fit her color scheme #so prb if she had white head i would change to a golden tint bUT THEN REALITY SLAPS ME #PAST ME HAS BEEN RIGHTER THAN PRESENT ME WTF #fun fact tmblr ppl i got my own apartment 8D not living there yet tho #gotta buy literally everything else but AY biggest part is done

[svtskneecaps]

ok among my favorite parts of qsmp is the fact that charlie slimecicle can only hold the act of being mad at mariana when mariana isn't in the room. like he successfully rp'd being mad at his deadbeat puta esposa for months while mariana wasn't logging on, like he complained about mariana at the wedding, during the election, in subsequent appearances, and then he's messaging mariana in the chat during purgatory and he's still holding it

and then they're both at spawn like as close to face to face as they get. and bro CANNOT hold the act it drops so fast lmfao he was like "yea cellbit i'm gonna kill mariana" and instead they have a genuinely heartfelt conversation and then rp sexo in the fountain

and i know i'm brainrotting purgatory rn but i'm actually thinking about this bc i saw a clip of mariana and slime talking during the awards show and literally. slime's face goes from 😡🤬 MARIANA'S HERE, SAY SOMETHING PUTA ESPOSA to 😄😁 the second mariana shows up on the screen

like he's still pretending to be mad but dude is grinning like absolute crazy and i love that

#qsmp #qsmp slimecicle #qsmp mariana #shut up vic #block game brainrot #their dynamic is among the best things to have come out of this #and genuinely it was the thing that got me into qsmp in the first place #((even tho i only dove in for real after flippa was gone LMFAO)) #also shoutout to cellbit losing his shit when slime says me-WH*RE? #oh and for absolute clarity that ain't my tiktok lmao #probably obvious but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's 3:30 am i like to be Certain #i missed this live because LITERALLY I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR FROM A SHOPPING TRIP EXACTLY AS IT HAPPENED #i am being so serious like i looked over my sibling's shoulder like 'so how are awards?' and there's FUCKING MARIANA #AND THE FUNNIEST PART IS THIS HAPPENED DURING THEIR PURGATORY INTERACTION TOO #I WALKED IN FROM BEING OUT RIGHT AS FUCKING SLIME AND MARIANA WERE GOING TO SPAWN TO MEET #SO I CAUGHT PART OF IT BUT NOT ALL OF IT #basically what i'm taking from this is i need to go out more often bc they have a tendency to exist together when i touch grass for reasons #that are not 'going to my job' #long tags #i'm not at the mariana convo in my rewatch yet so i may or may not have more to say when i hit that #but yea was thinking about it #this is the qsmp at its finest >:D its most base form #sillies being sillies together who might never have met otherwise >:D

[tricoufamily]

jacques's, nancy's, and mrs. villareal's parents circa 1960-something + baby jacques and nancy bc they were there in cas anyway why not

this feud's been going on for approximately this long

#suicide mention in tags #god hugo looks so much like both of his maternal grandparents </3 he would have gotten along w both of them so well #they were quirky awkward middle school teachers they died in a car accident when mrs. villareal was just a baby #so i'm actually not sure she would have even met jacques if they lived and hugo wouldn't exist. but LOOK #benicio only ever met hugo he died not long after he was born #look at them they're all color coordinating then nancy's terrible terrible father ruins it #bad. idk if anyone ever bothered to do the math on that one unfinished wikipedia extra i did #but yes ~30 year age difference between them. she was 22 when she had nancy she killed herself when nancy was 11 #ts4 #ts4 cas #the sims 4 #this is the fall: extras #dominique #benicio #chester #queenie #elena #hector #jacques villareal #nancy landgraab