#love and relationships are hard work even for allos

[bloggingboutburgers]

Reading your blog, I'm starting to see my relationship with my bf differently (we've been together for over a decade). Like, I've been questioning my romantic orientation for some time, suspecting I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. But I realise I don't really have a clear image of what romance actually is and if it's something I have in my relationship. Like, he's my best friend. But what makes it different that a very close friendship? Apart, you know, the fact we live together and see each other every day. I'm also asexual so we don't really have sex, but for the very rare time I feel like doing something for him, but it's not really something we do, though I know sex and romance are to different things, straight people tend to say that the difference between friendship and dating is sex. I've heard allos saying "if I don't have sex with my s/o, what are we? Friends?" Anyway, I'm just more and more confused by what those criterias are for defining what is and what is not a romantic relationship. Love? I mean, love can have so many forms, how am I to regognise which one I feel? I just care about my bf. I like spending time together. We help each other on a daily basis. And when one of us need alone time we give as much time as the other needs. We do our things each in our corners and meet in the middle when we want company. We're happy this way. And that's great! I just can't comprehend what this all means. Sometimes I'm confused about the feelings I get for other people. Am I attracted to them or do I just want to smother them with my intense friendship? Which is hard. I sometimes feel like I love my friend to hard and I shy away during our interactions for fear to overwhelm them with my love. What's the difference between the two? Between my relationship with my bf and the friendship with those people I have to keep away sometime for fear to be "too much"? I'm sorry for these ramblings. You probably don't have the answers to this, but I needed to tell all this to someone that might understand at least some of it. I love your blog btw.

Sorry I'm replying so late – but thank you so much for all of this input, it's actually so interesting to hear your take on your own experience.

You're right, I don't have the answers, because every experience is very personal and I don't wanna project onto others, but there's a lot of points I actually relate to very much – like, I don't have a clear idea of what romance even is either, I just feel in my gut that it's not what I have with my queerplatonic partner. I guess in my own case I've also always had a bit of trouble with the idea of a "best friend" (like, I HAVE entertained the idea that this or that person might be my "best friend" at some points in my life, but I always end up coming back to the thought that I don't feel OK putting one person above others in my head – I work more in tiers made out of several people at once).

I might also be overthinking things but I often hear in the long-term-relationship discourse that romantic partnerships often wind up turning into friendship over time and that's OK – no idea how that works but it's interesting to think about, and I wonder if there's any truth to that on an aromantic spectrum basis? Like maybe... If both of us are on the aromantic spectrum, then maybe we just didn't get the "romantic high" part because we don't feel romantic attraction or feel it less than most people, and we're straight to that "friendship" part people talk about? ...Either way, what you describe with your bf sounds like a vibe, a healthy vibe to me. Sounds like you guys have it figured out and I wish you the best, honestly.

Also lol it really IS a useful and sobering reminder that to most allo people, the "sex = romance" idea is probably very prevalent still... Makes it even harder to figure ourselves out

Either way sorry for rambling and thank you SO MUCH for sharing your self-reflection, honestly, whatever conclusion you come to I hope life is good for you^^

#mx loar tev #aromantic spectrum #aromantic awareness week #aro #aromantic

[dropofsoup]

The "aros/aces can still do" etc etc! conversation is generating a lot of back and forth recently, and I never seen much productivity from it. Some people help make it a more nuanced conversation (thank you!) but I always see us returning back to where we started. Can we move away from this argument? Instead, I want to propose exploring how activities may look different for an aro or ace individual in a platonic, romantic or other type of relationship.

Little anecdote from me: sometimes I think, "maybe I'd enjoy a romantic relationship." But this thought is followed by another: that my partner, especially if allo, would need to be open to the relationship looking very different from what society expects. It feels like too much work. Helping someone unlearn allonormativity while balancing each other's needs and opinions? Hard! Relationship desire at zero. (I promise there's other reasons I don't want a relationship haha)

So I'm keenly aware that what I'd want from companionship isn't the same as other people. Even if I did date, even if I did "conform" to society's expectations of having a "special someone", that relationship will still not be allonormative.

The conversation doesn't have to be so polarized. Yes, aros and aces can still date, kiss, and all those arguments. But relationships with people, with these activities, are going to look different. Being aro or ace or both is like navigating the world through a different lens, and I would love to see this be explored more in fandom spaces.

So what I want from this discourse is not as black and white as whether a character can or cannot do something. It's exploring how doing or not doing something is like for a character who is aro or ace. And honestly, isn't it intriguing?? If a character doesn't feel romantic attraction, what brings certain characters together? What makes up the chemistry if sex is not involved? What does a relationship without touching/kissing/etc look like? Is it a romantic relationship, a QPR (or other or nothing)? Thinking beyond love makes relationships much more interesting!

[i've never posted on tumblr before so.. here's to putting my thoughts on the internet, cheers]

#aromantic #asexual #aro #ace #aroace #aromantic asexual #aroace characters #btw shipping aroace characters currently have very little nuance or anything to do with how the character is aroace #thats probably the main issue aspecs have with shipping aroace characters #also we are definitely still lacking sex repulsed romance repulsed and nonpartnering rep #you're aroace? you can still have relationships right? sure but if the relationship was allonormative i would throw up

[comicaurora]

(this ask is based on the, I'm not sure if unfounded, assumption that at least 1/6(?) main crew members has some sort of non-ace/aro attraction): How do you write allo characters as an aro person? I'm one of those annoying allos who's *hyper-romantic* and working on hypersexuality for my own health, so I color most of my writing with that and struggle to write ace people. I know a lot of writers can distance themselves more. I guess I'm just curious how you inspire your characters to act socially outside of the way that you interact, specifically in terms of romanti/sexual relationships. I'm pretty good at getting my characters to engage with the world outside of my way of doing it until it comes to romance.

It's… tough, and I'm working on it. I still need to remind myself that a lot of people legitimately do experience sexual attraction and thus find certain other people in certain situations extremely physically appealing, in contrast to my own platonic attraction (the people I like, I typically like the same amount no matter what they're doing or how they look) or aesthetic attraction (when I like how someone looks in a specific situation, it is still in an extremely hands-off "I'd like to draw that" way).

I can work my way through the logic of romance, I think. I've been told that it doesn't feel the same as friendship, and that it places another person in a somewhat uniquely structural role for one's life. I've heard it described as being someone's "everything-team" - the person they want by their side at any endeavor - which is the only thing I've ever heard about romance that I don't think applies to a good percentage of my IRL friendships.

Romantic attraction is definitely the more confusing one, because everyone I know in a romantic relationship insists it's different than their platonic ones, but can't really explain why or how, only that it is. The thing is, this makes me believe them more. I know how hard it is to explain a unique inner experience to someone who has a completely different one. Their partner is their best friend, or at least top three (understandable) and also in a unique position in their life (confusion??) I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, and I think I love my friends as much as I'm capable of, and there are people I'm friends with who I could see as a theoretical partner - except that it would change absolutely nothing about our current relationship. This is why I don't identify with the label of "aromantic" where I definitely do with "asexual", because I think I experience what people are talking about, I just feel it kinda everywhere instead of nowhere.

So the hack I think I can make work to do this in my writing is:

Sexual attraction is like aesthetic attraction, but with a hands-on component. Replace "I want to draw that" with "I want to get my hands on that" and go from there.

Romantic attraction is evidently its own beast, but it contains concepts like "I trust this person implicitly," "I care about them and want them to be happy," "I would be happy coming home to this person," "I want to protect them," "I like that they care about me," and "this person helps me see the world in a different way" which are all individual sentiments I understand, even if I personally feel them about a large number of people rather than a single Special Someone. Point them at a single Someone and have the two characters involved act accordingly, and I can probably pull a romance out of it.

Like all writing-an-alien-situation stuff, it mostly pays to identify the specific details that correlate to things you DO understand and then extrapolate from there. Or you can fake it and black-box their motivations and be like "here's where I'd put their sexual attraction to each other if I had one"

#asks #writing stuff

[multifanrae]

Reasons why Tim and Sasha’s friendship is so fucking important to me. (An appreciative essay to the Magnus Archives and also a mostly related rant on how media usually portrays relationships)

#1 and also the most important, their friendship is just so GOOD. Like yeah what we see is mostly just joking around and a bit of poking fun, but it’s so completely free of malice which is actually really hard to achieve. Because that’s what my friends and family do to each other but it always seems like there’s some deeper undertones that end up at least slightly hurting someone, but from the intonation and the small insight we get into their relationship, that harmful part seems to be absent and like it really is just fun to pass the time and make conversation. And in order for that to work, the relationship has to be really deep and vulnerable to negate that kind of preying on insecurity which just shows how close they really are

#2 having a man and woman just be really close friends for some reason just means a lot to me personally. I know they allude to past relations, but the core of it is they both recognize and respect that they’re really just good friends, and even though they explored a sexual/possibly romantic avenue, they both concluded it was really just platonic, and it’s agreed upon and respected enough to the point where it can be joked about without discomfort. I just love that they get to be so close and important to one another without the romantic element because I’m so tired of seeing m/f relationships only being romantic and/or sexual especially from an unrequited standpoint. (Specifically when the man, despite many objections and boundaries, continue to see her as a sexual object or conquest)

#3 just having good platonic representation. Don’t get me wrong I’m a slut for romantic subplots. (Mostly when they’re gay because I’m a lesbian deprived of representation but still) I think platonic relationships are incredibly important to represent because they’re so often shown as less significant than a romantic one and that’s not true and not fair. Platonic relationships are incredibly important and incredibly meaningful. In some cases I’d even say more than romantic ones, because there isn’t the expectation of sex (assuming it’s an allo relationship). And friendships tend to last longer than romantic affiliations anyway, so it’s stupid to assume that just because you aren’t romantically or sexually involved that the relationship is inferior

#4 I just fucking love their dynamic. I really think they actually just bring out the best in each other. They’re both smart in similar but different enough ways and they seem to just fuel the best aspects of each of their personalities, even if the teasing may seem crude at first glance

#5 I’ve just been watching the RQGG20 stretch goals with Mike and Alastair and the “hello, my name’s Timothy Stoker, you killed my brother and my best friend, prepare to die” fucking TOOK ME OUT. I know it’s a Princess Bride reference, but the delivery and the fact that the stranger took the two most important people of Tim’s life was a realization that felt like a fucking knife to the chest. (Yes I did only realize that just now). They were seriously such best friends and the fact that Tim was living and interacting with someone he didn’t know wasn’t Sasha is just hurting me all over again. Because the pain I’d feel if my best friend was switched out with a monster and I didn’t notice (even tho that’s literally the point) like the guilt and pain that cause

#I wish we had more of them so badly #I know it’s a horror podcast but come on relationship and character development just really drives home the tragedy so therefore we need mor #the magnus archives #magnuspod #tma #fandom #tim stoker #sasha james

[prince-liest]

Your Angel/Lucifer fic was wonderful!! I’ve also read most of your 666 series and remember in the notes of one of the stories that you mentioned something about Alastor being aroace and that’s why he experiences things the way he does in your fics. I felt like that was portrayed very well!! I also felt like Lucifer not being that way, being overtly attracted to Angel was well written!! I was just wondering how you’re able to write both sides of the coin as well as you do?? I’m asexual and I don’t think I even realized I was writing all of my NSFW fics from an asexual perspective on things until I compared some of your works. I guess that kind of attraction just feels so out there for me it’s hard to imagine anyone feels that way?? I’m not sure lol…

In any case!! I was wondering if you had any tips on accurately portraying an allosexual character?? I feel way out of my depth now that I’ve realized there is a readable difference.

AH, thank you so much! It's funny that you say that because I was just thinking about how writing NSFW from Lucifer's POV after Alastor's POV is actually really funny to me given the sharp contrast in how they experience sex and intimacy. I'm glad that they come through properly!

When I write NSFW from the perspective of an allosexual character (which is most of my NSFW), I'm not really thinking, "Hm, this character is allo. How does that affect things?" Rather, I'm still very much just writing what I want to see. There's a text post that was going around the other day that said something to the tune of, "When I say that man is fuckable, that does not mean I want to fuck that man. / I want someone else to fuck that man for me." and I'm definitely channeling that, hahahaha.

Not all aro/ace experiences are the same and not all allo experiences are the same, so a lot of it comes down to how I think a specific character would feel as a whole rather than their sexuality alone. I wouldn't write Vox the same way I'd write Lucifer, either, and a not-insignificant part of Alastor's detachment comes from him being an asshole on top of being aroace, haha.

Nonetheless, some concrete things about how I write these particular characters differently:

When you are writing in third person limited like I do, what you describe is often a reflection of what the character is paying attention to. I spend relatively little time describing Vox's body from Alastor's POV. Describing Alastor's body from Vox's POV would be, uh, a time, let's just put it that way.

Lucifer very much thinks that Angel Dust is hot, and he will admire him, both plainly and when Angel takes advantage of his obvious attraction to do something cute

Lucifer wants to touch Angel Dust for reasons of "I think it would just be nice to touch him" rather than always for a specific goal (eg. Alastor mostly touches Vox to get fun reactions)

The goal for Lucifer is sex with Angel, not sex, and Angel is helping that happen or even messing around with Angel, and sex is helping that happen

When you're a guy who's mostly been having sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship for millennia, sexual contact is intimacy is vulnerability is emotional connection, and all of those things can get really tangled up in one another.

I've streamlined a lot of it into just code-switching into the characters' heads to the point where I don't really keep these things explicitly in mind, so I hope that this was at least a little helpful!

...Also, honest to god, I've just read a lot of porn, and most of it is obviously not of ace characters. Over the years, you pick up what you find hot, LOL.

#ask #personal #Anonymous #nsft #writing advice #honestly I think the most concrete tips are p much “Describe Attraction Because It's There And It Matters To The Character I Promise”

[necarion]

There are three major problems with "conversion therapy" (therapy intended to change sexual orientation) right now:

Its currently intended use is by religious people to make gay folks not-gay, and is done in a very coercive manner

It is akin to certain types of torture

It doesn't work.

Because of these things, actual research on conversion therapy is basically zero, and the idea is deeply poisonous. And this is very unfortunate, because if it worked, conversion therapy would be fantastically useful in a variety of situations that I think the LGBT community would be quite supportive of! (Caveat: this should be absolutely 100% forbidden for children, and under any sort of coercive situation. These must be entirely matters of informed coice.)

People whose spouse comes out as trans, and suddenly their spouse is a gender they are fundamentally not attracted to. Often, these couples have to divorce, which is unfortunate for everybody. If they could move between straight/gay (or bi), they could remain married to a person they love and support.

People who realized after a long and basically-happy marriage that they are gay, and converting to straight could save a long marriage.

Allo people married to an ace partner who want to become ace to make their partner happier

Ace people married to an allo partner who want to become allo to make their partner happier

Minor-attracted-people who desperately want to be not-that, for basically all the reasons

Gay/straight people who realize they've fallen in love with a partner they are not attracted to, and switching could make both of them really happy

People who think being Bi would be nice for their dating life.

People who have had a lot of failures in their dating life and decide they want to be ace

Religious figures who take vows of celibacy who would like to be ace to take away temptation

Astronauts, or other folks on long and dangerous journeys, who would rather be ace for a while.

People who have suffered major injuries (or whose partners have) and want to preserve a relationship, who would rather be ace.

Elderly people who would rather be attracted to people their own age for all sorts of reasons.

(If conversion therapy actually worked, you could probably use it for minor tweaks, such as making yourself more attracted to your spouse or partner. Many people have dated someone and gone "I really wish I were more attracted to this person". Some dating apps could conceivably be made totally blind and match 100% on personality.)

(If conversion therapy actually worked, it would probably be closely adjacent to libido-adjustments for people who have too much or too little for their, or their spouse's, comfort, are on certain medications, or have had hormonal changes in life.

And lastly, gay people who, for religious or family reasons want to be straight. (If conversion therapy actually worked, there would probably be a path for trans people to be not-trans, but I imagine the research would be more complicated.) This last one is hard to swallow because it's associated with views many of us disagree with, but I see no reason we could possibly ban it without stopping the others. If it makes people happier, then it's good even if their reasons are fucked up

If it worked, conversion therapy would be amazing for millions of people around the world, would save tons of otherwise happy marriages and relationships, and would help people who are unhappy with who they are. The ability to choose who you are attracted to (or to choose who you are not attracted to) is a matter of deep concern for almost all people. It would allow people to make choices I would rather they didn't for religious or social pressure reasons. But it also really does allow them to choose.

Which is why it really sucks that it has been made so completely poisonous that there is no legitimate research into it, and getting that funded would be almost impossible.

The ability to choose who you are attracted to would be one of the greatest psychological breakthroughs of all time.

#controversy #conversion therapy #discourse #choice #lgbt #homophobia cw #transphobia cw

[aroarolibrary]

Is it possible for me to be a platonic but not around/ace? like I'm allosexual alloromantic but when I saw the definition of aplatonic I just felt so seen. Reasons I think I might be aplatonic:

1) The only time I ever actively try to seek out other people's company is when I'm romantically/sexually attracted to some degree (which, to be fair, is actually kinda frequently even though I don't usually act on it; I'm just a very sexual/romantic person tbh. All the times I've actively gotten close to someone and then became good friends, it has always started with at least a minor romantic crush that was unrequited or that I didn't wish to take to that level because of other conflicting factors [e.g. coworkers, already being in a relationship, etc]). I don't view these as being the same as squishes because these are basically people that I would definitely date under certain conditions that just don't happen to be met and so I don't pursue them in that sense.

2) I have friends, but besides the aforementioned crushes-turned-friends, they're kind of just people who ended up in my life somehow, or who became attached to me and then put in the work to get close themselves. I find it easy to meet new people and become acquaintances but very hard to get close, and hard to know who counts as a "friend" and at what point that distinction is made.

3) A lot of people in my circles are also very touchy-feely and I am STRONGLY touch-repulsed from anyone I'm not in a romantic relationship with; words cannot describe how uncomfortable it makes me to be casually touched on the back or arm by another person as part of normal "friendly" conversation. And yet this repulsion doesn't apply to romantic/sexual partners at all, I actually love affectionate touch in those situations but ONLY from romantic/sexual partners.

So like, is this anything? Are there allo-allo-apl people? Can anyone else relate? I don't want to co-opt a term that's not for me but I really feel this one in my bones.

Hi anon!!

My opinion of this has changed with the expansion of the aplatonic community and with more voices coming forward to share their stories. Which is to say that: yes, I absolutely believe that an allo/allo person can be aplatonic.

And I will give you the answer I give to most questioning people which is: a label is meant to help you. The benefit of labels is to help you put easy words to your lived experiences and feelings and to also find a community of people who also share these kinds of experiences. If you feel that the aplatonic identity works for you and helps you with all of these things then absolutely try it on! You might find that it really does fit you perfectly, to which I say: there are definitely other AlloAlloApl’s I have seen in the aplatonic tag, and if it doesn’t? Well, it is just a label and you can remove it at any time that it is no longer helping you.

I hope this helps anon!

#aplatonic

[redysetdare]

Something real weird about how people only want to truly accept aromantic/asexual people when they're "closer" to being het (in their eyes). People are all about aroaces being sex positive, and being allowed to be in relationships, and being allowed to have sex, and that's fine! But yknow, funny that when aroace people DONT want to have sex or be in relationships of any kind, when people can't just pretend they're 'straight with extra steps' then people don't wanna accept it. Or almost wanna push them into that role. Real funny.

It's the aphobia. A lot of allo people like to say they're supportive of aspec identities but in reality there is a hard line they draw in what they view as a valid and acceptable aspec identity and it pretty obviously is the identities they can pretend aren't aro or ace at all. You can see it when they support Ace people. They'll say "Ace people can still love" with "still love" being the qualifier here. You can see it when they support Aro people. They'll say "Aro people still love their friends/family!" with "Still loving their friends and family" being the qualifier. "Ace people can still have sex" with "Still have sex" being a qualifier. "Aro people can still date or enter a QPR" with Partnership being the qualifier.

Some Allo's cant comprehend that people DON'T want these things, so when they hear about non-partnering, Loveless, or repulsed folks, they break and suddenly you can see their aphobia bright as day. It's all a facade. It helps no one. It hurts all of us, even the aros and aces they find "acceptable" because in their heads they aren't seeing these people as aro or ace.

This doesn't even touch the surface for when you get into people being aplatonic or afamilial, or other a-attractions. When you suddenly don't have the "still love" qualifier, everything falls apart. people use love as a moral standing. if you don't love then you're morally corrupt because the opposite of love is hate. people think not feeling love means you feel hate instead, ignoring the fact that is just not how things work. ignoring that the feeling of love or lack there of means nothing in terms of morals. The world isn't black and white "Love = good" and "Hate/apathy/lack of love = Bad" It's childish to think of the world like that.

so yeah, in the grand scheme of things it is funny. all we can really do is laugh while people continue to act like children because their world view is being shaken up by someone else's very existence. I hope one day they can laugh with us as they realize how silly it was to think in the way they did.

#asks #sorry for a long response yet again #I just have a lot of thoughts abt this topic #and how complicated and frustrating it is #and how ironically funny it is in some ways #how we can only laugh through the idea that aphobes try to pretend to be aspec friendly #only to fumble when they reach an identity that they cant fit into their world view #when they run into an identity they cant warp into 'allo lite' #when they are forced to face how they see the world and change their view #how they shut down and plug their ears and say 'lalalalala' whenever anyone brings up that maybe they were wrong #theres a lot of aphobia that just doesnt get displayed until they run into a certain kind of aspec person #then you realize they never supported ANY aspec people #they just liked to pretend certain aspec people were allo to the left

[ranbling]

I'm happy that they went with the Buck and Tommy storyline, 'cause I really don't think it would have worked with Tommy and Eddie (especially if they would have them kiss in the 100th episode)

In my head Eddie is demisexual (if not wholly asexual), but I'm not sure if homoromantic or biromantic, but I'm leaning towards homoromantic.

He only had 3 relationships, and honestly he only thinks positively of his relationship with Shannon ("I loved being married to her"), but he spent most of their marriage not physically with her. Also from what we know he was friends with her first and they only got married because of Chris. I kinda believe if not for Chris they would have gone back to being friends (also if they the show haven't killed off Shannon, we could have gotten a good divorced parents who stayed friends -besides Michael and Athena).

His relationship with Ana was built on the fact that he wanted to find someone who could be a mother-figure to Chris and would fit into what his parents wanted to him. Also the "I thought I'd love you in time" (i'm paraphrasing) is the most demi thing to say. Also the panic attacks are like not normal even if you're not ready for being a ready made family, it points to something deeper.

Before Pepa started to set him up on blind dates, Eddie was really content in living his life just with Chris and having Buck and the 118 around them as a family and support system and I don't think if not for those blind dates (and Buck starting dating, which kinda scared him into thinking he needs someone too as Buck is gonna have different priority now) he wouldn't have gone dating Marisol. My main to support this is that before the blind dates, Felisa could have been a perfect love interest, but he wasn't interested in her that way. But the people around him started to make him dating again into a thing (not intentionally, but having romantic relationships is a big part of society and too many people seems to think that without a romantic partner our life is incomplete), so he kinda asked asked out the first woman he ran into.

Now with his relationship with Marisol, he's overcompensating and trying too hard to turn this relationship into the perfect one. Like he's moving Marisol into his house after dating her for like 3 months, and I know the whole "she wants to have sex with me" storyline is supposed to be funny, but it doesn't feel like Eddie knows he can say no to it (hiding in your best friend's flat is not a behaviour that screams "I know what consent is and I know nobody is entitled having to sex with me 'cause we did it before").

But to turn back to my original point, Eddie is soo repressed and even if he wasn't realising you're demisexual is hard and most people thing that's how everybody feels, so he probably doesn't even realises that's not how allo people feel, let alone that he's not straight. As someone who is asexual themselves, for the longest time I thought it's normal not to find anyone hot (I always joked that I feel the same way about a hot girl as I feel about a hot guy - I don't feel nothing except noting that they're pretty).

So I don't think they could've played it out in a 1.5 episode storyline with Tommy (it works with Buck, it was suprising, but not unbelievable), not even in a 6 episode long one.

Having Eddie realise he's into Buck is a different story for me, because in that case, the backstory and emotions are already there and Eddie just need to work out what are they (I also believe he's unconsiously aware of them)

Anyway demi! Eddie is special to me and I can write multiple essays on him

#911 abc #eddie diaz #demisexual #evan buckley #tommy kinard #also eddie's girlfriends need to grow some self-esteem and just leave #buddie

[bookish-bogwitch]

Trope Grading Game aka Grope Trading Game

Thanks for the tags @artsyunderstudy, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, and @aristocratic-otter! This seems like a lot of fun.

@ileadacharmedlife @moodandmist @facewithoutheart @skee3000 @ivelovedhimthroughworse @cutestkilla @thewholelemon @raenestee, and everyone whose fic is mentioned below and everyone reading this, consider yourself tagged if you haven't gone!

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don’t care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

Age gap: -2

Not into it at all for younger characters, but I don't mind for older ones. I haven't read a lot of couples with bigger age gaps but I wouldn't rule out enjoying it in the right context--though I can't see being into it for the sake of the trope itself. (I love you for you, Malcolm Grimm.) Codependency: Interdependency: +7

The template asks about codependency but I finally looked up what codependency means and it's about an uneven relationship where a partner, friend, or family member subsumes their own needs in the course of accommodating / enabling another person's destructive behavior. Is that anyone's jam? There's a reason Rainbow skipped the 12 months between the CO epilogue and the start of WS...

But if we're talking interdependency, then I'm super into it. Octavia Butler was right: "dependency is sexy if it's chosen and not coercive. Symbiosis is a kind of dependency. A dependency of equals is best." Snowbaz symbolizes this with the whole hot/cold body temp thing, which is #sharingabedgoals, and there's lots of great fic in this fandom exploring it, my all-time fave being @fatalfangirl's stunning Bound and Determined.

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +2

Obsession, sure, sign me up. What is Simon at all those football practices if not obsession?

And I can get behind jealousy as a device for revealing the depth of otherwise hidden or even denied feelings. But active, power-and-control-wheel possessiveness? Gross.

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +5

Yeah! I love watching the grump's walls come down. But with the caveat that the sunshine can't be a one-dimensional, manic pixie dream character, because the that's just boring and I don't care about them.

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: +5

What snowbaz fan isn't into this? But a key element for me is that there has to be some reason behind the initial enemies dynamic besides one or both of them just being an asshole. Maybe they think that's what's up at first and then learn otherwise, but if their enemy status is based on something real, like they genuinely hate each other based on accurate knowledge about each other, I find it implausible and probably also difficult to like one or both of them.

That's part of why Snowbaz works for me: Baz and Simon's enemy status was imposed on them by a fucked up political system and abusive caretakers. Left to their own devices they'd probably never have been enemies. The reason for their animosity is not the core of who they are.

Friends with benefits: +2

Ehhh is it benefits to full on love? I don't really connect with allo perspectives on sexual relationships, like I get them intellectually but I don't jive with them on an emotional level, so there has to be that emotional draw for me, that underlying romance. I mean tho, @fatalfangirl stacy is writing an excellent fic on this premise right now that I absolutely love because there are clearly feelings involved. But it also might fall more into the realm of the next trope on this list ... which is ...

What Ashton said 😂 also props to fandom for teaching me that I am demisexual, and that this is not a default mode of existence.

Sex to feelings: [phone]

It's the fucking BEST. You get to read all the smut and then the climax ISN'T "and then we did it," it's "and then we were emotionally intimate." You get to be horny and a sap.

I also think this trope inherently pushes writers' creativity because the relationship's progression can't follow standard mainstream romance beats. And the sex scenes usually have narrative significance by showing how the relationship is changing, which produces great writing.

Fake dating/relationship: +5

Yes, especially if there's lots of pining along the way! @captain-aralias's Unintended is a great example.

Friends to lovers: +3

I wouldn't say I seek this out specifically but there are so many great fics with this tag. Here are a few (but not all) of my favorites: I'd Gladly Eat You for Breakfast by @whogaveyoupermission What Remains After the Storm by @hushed-chorus Sixty Seconds by @artsyunderstudy Petrichor by @martsonmars And again Unintended by @captain-aralias

Found Family: +1

It's fine? I love moving proofs of love and affection outside of romance, but whether it's in something that fits the label "found family" or not is important to me.

Hurt/Comfort: +10

PUT IT DIRECTLY. INTO MY MOUTH. I am a fucking sap for hurt/comfort. It gives me the swoops. There is fucking nothing I like better than lovers (or almost lovers) comforting each other and taking care of each other, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. It's sexy to me. It affects me deeply.

#WhatAshtonSaid. I literally have a WIP going where someone says "who did this to you??" just because I love it so much. I'm pretty sure Nightmares and Excuses was the first fic that made me cry. (It's not hard to do.)

Love Triangle: -8

Not my thing if there's genuine heartbreak / unrequited love floating around. That just bums me out. I get a kick out of the Agatha-Simon-Baz's confusion in CO, but only Penny thinks that's actually a love triangle. I think the only book I've ever loved with a "real" love triangle is Emma and even [SPOILER FOR 208-YEAR-OLD-BOOK] Harriet's not actually in love with Mr. Knightley, she just thinks she is.

Poly, open relationships: -4

Only if it's porn without plot and even then it's pretty rare that I'm into it. I'm not usually interested in sex scenes without a romantic/love element (even if that element is deeply repressed) and am personally very monogamous and have a hard time connecting with poly relationship themes. Which obviously does not mean that poly =/= emotional or romantic connection, not at all, it's just a tough one to wrap my head around.

@skee3000 nailed this for me in Minos, by having Simon and Baz connect with each other even as they have three-way with Mr. Minos, but now I'm conflating a threesome with poly/open relationships. Go read it anyway.

Mistaken/hidden identity: +2

Not sure I can think of a Snowbaz fic that focuses on this, although I'm sure there are some. I do like it when characters meet for the first time and are drawn to each other, only to learn that each other's larger identities make that complicated. And the trust issues that brings up. There are a couple of KJ Charles novels that deal with this really beautifully.

Monsterfucking: +5

I really love when monsterfucking is used as a way to celebrate difference and work through a character's feelings about their own body or its changes. This fandom does a great job with that. Otherwise I'm not drawn to any particular monsters for their monstery sake (but see: Minos's horns).

Pregnancy: -2

+8 for mpreg, -10 for other pregnancy.

I stalled out for two weeks on this post, wondering how to explain this without getting darker and more personal than I'd like. And then realized I don't have to explain 😃.

Second Chance: +7

Love it! I don't always have the heart to read the actual breakup, or falling out, or lost opportunity etc., but I love fics where that has already happened and we're seeing them put themselves back together. Some examples, that may or may not have this tag but definitely have this theme:

What's Left by @cutestkilla This Will All Go Down in Flames by @facewithoutheart There's Be Peace When You Are Done by somekindofpath Once More, with Feeling by fox_pitch

And probably countless others I'm forgetting.

Slowburn: +10

Yeah! I know I said I love sex before feelings but I love this too. (And I think they can be successfully combined into slow-feelings-burn.) There's nothing like a satisfying, well-earned payoff. I also admire well-executed slowburns because whenever I write a get-together fic I have to actively resist mashing their faces together in the first 100 words.

Soulmates: -1

In theory I don't love these. The red string, etc. It can just feel played out, and also the emotional logic of it is kind of alienating. I have a hard time putting my head into a world where people have these predestined connections and are trying to find each other because it's just so not how I see relationships. BUT when an author critically and playfully messes with the trope, it can be lots of fun. All This Soulmate Shit by half_witch mashes up a dozen different soulmate tropes to make something that's brilliant, funny, sexy, and feels like they are actively choosing each other rather than obeying destiny. I also adore Bound and Determined by @fatalfangirl for how it plays with the idea of free will and consent, which feel like soulmate-related theme. But it's probably not a coincidence that this fic doesn't have the "soulmates" tag.

That's a lot of me me me and what I think. What do YOU think, friends?

#tag game #trope grading game #navel gazing #simon snow fandom meta-talk

[dk-wren]

Week 3 - 30 Days of Buddy Daddies

Welcome back to Week 3 of me responding to the 30 Days of Buddy Daddies prompts! Thank you for all your support on the previous two weeks' posts. I've been having a lot of fun answering these prompts. Anyways, without further delay, here are my responses for days 15-21!

Day 15: Favorite Official Illustration

Massive fan of Lily's work, so here are my favorites (was gonna say top 5, but even that was hard to narrow down)

I mentioned it last week, but these two pieces of Kazuki, Rei, and Miri in kimonos are some of my favorites, so definitely gotta include them here too.

Bonus: Since it came out after the 15th, but I’m so love with it I have to include it because Rei (and Miri) finally got their cat!!!

Day 16: Character Whom You Most Identify With

Trait-wise, Kazuki is probably the character I identify with the most.

I like to make sure my friends or whoever I am with is taken care of, which has lead to me being referred to as the "mom of the group" on multiple occasions. I generally try to keep a positive external attitude, even if that's not reflective of how I actually feel. And I always try to lead with love.

Definitely not to the same severity as Kazuki, but I also have a tendency to sometimes let past memories or mistakes influence current decisions. It's those moments where I might want to do something or try a new thing, but a lingering memory just pops back into my head and I psyche myself out/decide to longer move forward.

Also, a lot of what I do for my major (and hopefully in a future career) is research-based, obviously though in terms of historical or biographical information and not how to take out someone quietly and efficiently.

Day 17: Character Whose Story You Would Like to Know More About

I would love to know more about Kyuutaro.

I really enjoyed his character and the way he kinda teetered between sides. I was asking myself, will Kyu help Kazuki and Rei or Ogino or is he gonna encourage the duo to be a family or warn them about getting too close with Miri. Things like this made me wander what is his history with the organization, let alone how he got involved with the organization.

The audience is really never shown anything about Kyu's life outside of Yadorigi, so I'm curious does he have a lifestyle outside of the cafe that's like what Rei used to have (very isolated and shut-in), did he have a past partner like Kazuki, I don't know, what is he like when away from the organization/giving out assignments.

There's a brief glimpse into when Kyu assigned Kazuki and Rei a mission together for the first time. Like, I just want to know what were his interactions with each of them beforehand and what other reasons motivated him to pair those two together. Also, the dynamic that is hinted (?) towards with Kyu telling Miri Kazuki is a comedian and Rei's a Middle Eastern Oil Baron, as well as his little smile in the finale telling Kazuki and Rei that he's no longer gonna run errands for them as he drives away, he clearly is fond of or enjoys Kazuki and Rei's company. I would've been so excited to see this side of their relationship explored more.

Again, there's a lot of mystery around Kyu so I would love to know more about him.

Day 18: Theories or Headcanons

I did a few head canons about a quarter or halfway through the series, so here's some more based on the second half of the season and epilogue!

Because Kyu will occasionally watch Miri at Yadorigi, he keeps a private stash of her favorite snacks behind the counter. Kyu even lets her create a "reserved for Miri" or "save for Miri" sign that he hangs on the draw or box where they're kept. This remains their little secret for a while, but eventually Rei or Kazuki notices the sign and asks Kyu what's behind the sign that says "reserved for Miri," which he just brushes off by saying toys/coloring supplies. Eventually, Kazuki realizes it's a secret snack stash and Miri's been having more sweets while staying with Kyu then what he allows her to take/have, prompting Kazuki to tell Kyu to stop giving Miri extra treats. If Kyu listens to Kazuki's request is up for debate though.

In ep. 11, Kazuki and Rei are shown watching one of Miri's shows that presumably she forced them to watch in the beginning, and then probably began to enjoy on their own (or they just associate that show with her). I imagine as Miri begins to grow up, they keep watching this show or another one of Miri's favorites even after she loses interest. She at first thinks they are still trying to treat her like a child or don't want her to grow up, but then realizes whenever Kazuki or Rei turn it on, they don't even refer to it as "her" show anymore or ask if she wants to watch it. This causes Miri to eventually ask why they still watch that show and if they realize she's no longer into it. Kazuki and Rei are not oblivious to the fact that she's grown up, so they share a laugh and tell her that they just enjoy watching it still.

Around Christmas, it becomes an annual tradition to go on a fun family outing to Marinoa City and go on the Ferris wheel, share a crepe, and maybe do a little holiday shopping. I don't know when or how Kazuki and Rei will tell Miri that her mother has passed, but I feel like once they do, they would take Miri to visit her grave on the same day so that it really feels for Miri like she gets to spend the day with her whole family. They'd probably start this tradition the year after the main storyline ends, but depending on when Kazuki and Rei reveal the truth to Miri, that would be incorporated into that day's plans later.

Kazuki's really good at making hand shadow puppets. Not something he intentionally set out to learn, but maybe one night Miri has a nightmare, there's a thunder storm that scares her, or a power outage, and she goes to Kazuki's room where he takes out a flashlight and begins to play around. He does really simple ones at first, but Miri is so fascinated by it, she keeps asking him to do more. So, after Miri is finally able to go back to sleep, he looks up how to do other animals for the next time Miri asks and learns that he's got a knack for it.

Still kinda a draft, but I was thinking about how Rei has very few "normal" experiences in life since he has spent basically his whole life under the eyes and rules of the organization. He's definitely street smart, but comes up a little short when it comes to book smart. So, what if Rei eventually decides to enroll in one of those online degree programs. Perhaps as Miri gets a little older and is less dependent on her papas, Rei has a bit more time on his hands (and perhaps also because Kazuki is still limiting his gaming hours per day). He does some poking around online and feels going to college/getting a degree is a fairly normal thing to do, leading him to just apply for an interesting sounding one. He would get accepted, and when Rei tells Kazuki, he breaks down crying because he's so proud of him and that he did it all on his own. Perhaps this would lead to Miri and Rei doing their work together at the dining table or going on trips to the library together so they can both work on their school work.

Day 19: What Would You Write in the Mom's Chat

A) if this is true to life, I'd probably be quietly reading all the messages in the Mom's chat, reacting to some, and occasionally typing something

B) if I were to type something into the Mom's chat though, it would probably be something along the lines of "You think Kazuki will ever let us know when he's gonna do a stand-up night? I'm dying to see him perform. Not to be cheap, but do you also think he could get us in for free?"

Day 20: Scene/Moment that You Would Have Liked to See

No idea where this would have fit in, but would have liked to see Kazuki and Rei tucking Miri in at night. Like let me see them read/act out a bedtime story, pepper her with kisses, and pull her blanket up high to make sure she's all snuggled in and nice and warm.

And like, how adorable would it be if Miri starts insisting Kazuki and Rei gotta kiss all her plushies good night too or she teaches them the smile spell, which she then makes them do for her every night.

Day 21: A Post from Kazuki's Instagram

I’ve already written about the Ferris wheel scene being the scene that caused me (the most) anguish. But the way this post broke me and just made me so sad, even without a caption, is why I’m including this one.

Angst aside, the Instagram was so fun! Always looked forward to see what part of the new episode would be featured in the post. I doubt there will be, but hope there’s little updates every now and then.

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Thank you again for reading this week's responses! Another very hectic and busy week, so I really did not have a whole lot of time to edit my replies (apologies for any errors or really long sentences). But, still glad I was able to step away from my work every now and then to work on these prompts! As always, had a lot of fun this week, even if some of my answers are on the shorter side.

Not that anyone cares, but also think I'm gonna hold off on posting the next round of responses until the end of the month so that there's not one post with like 2-3 days. Could change my mind, but that is my current plan.

See you again sometime soon!

-Dakota Wren

#buddy daddies #30 days of buddy daddies tag #kazuki kurusu #rei suwa #miri unasaka #kyutaro kugi #buddy daddies headcanon

[artsyunderstudy]

Trope Grading Game

Heyyy! Thanks for the tag this morning @hushed-chorus you gave me a great alternative for WIP Wednesday since I got a head full of ideas and a word doc full of empty.

Also thanks to @stitchyqueer @brilla-brilla-estrellita @larkral @forabeatofadrum @ileadacharmedlife @wellbelesbian @prettygoododds @cutestkilla @cosmicalart @bazzybelle @aristocratic-otter for the tags today and yesterday. If you haven't done this yet consider yourself TAGGED!

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don’t care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

Age gap: -1

Mmm, no? Especially not for younger characters, but like, its not a thing I seek or or actively dislike in general.

Codependency: +5

LOL yes, I'm into fics that explore this. Either in a fun way or in a serious way, because its interesting no matter what. I suppose sometimes if we're talking really toxic codependancy that isnt dealt with it might turn me off in the long run but it definitely will draw my interest in the tags.

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +4

Complicated feelings. I'm kinda into it, so it definitely wont put me off, but jealousy as a trope can either be really fun in a story or really toxic. Like, I'm a little obsessed with Simon's jealousy in the series, because its not the kind where he gets mad at Baz, really, or lashes out at him, its very internal and about his own insecurity, but also really indicative of how very attached he is despite his assertions through wayward son that he was going to end things.

I love a bit of possessiveness as long as its not the kind that hurts their partner or turns really bad to the point of me disliking the character.

So, yeah, in most situations i'm a fan of exploring this, though I can't say I specifically look for it.

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +8

Yes, definitely. I love this in a romance, its really fun to explore those dynamics. Like, IRL I think really good relationships have people who make up for each other's shortcomings, or balance each other, like if one is really impulsive it helps when the other is level headed or a planner, or else you just get an echo chamber of rash decision making (or, on the other end, no spontaneity!) I like seeing how their differences effect the other. It's a really fun dynamic to read about.

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: +4

I mean, I'm a snowbaz fan so I gotta right? I do think though that the idea of true enemies to lovers is usually not done it a way that really works for me, because a lot of the time i cant see why these people end up together, because its all anger and hate lust and sometimes it doesn't ever evolve past that, or we just skip the bit where we see them getting along. Ideally theres enemies to friends to lovers, or at the very least friendship within the lovers realm.

I guess what I'm saying is they still need to like each other or else it make me sad.

Friends with benefits: +2

Ehhh is it benefits to full on love? I don't really connect with allo perspectives on sexual relationships, like I get them intellectually but I don't jive with them on an emotional level, so there has to be that emotional draw for me, that underlying romance. I mean tho, @fatalfangirl stacy is writing an excellent fic on this premise right now that I absolutely love because there are clearly feelings involved. But it also might fall more into the realm of the next trope on this list ... which is ...

Sex to feelings: +10

Oh yes yes yes. Pining while actively having sex is absolutely my thing.

Fake dating/relationship: -1

I am not really opposed. This is just a very romcom trope for me in that it rarely delivers really big honest emotions, its usually a lot of fun contrivance. Which is definitely a good time and has an appeal, but I generally don't take to these stories as much as others. I think its one that really depends on how its written, because I have read some REALLY good ones too.

Friends to lovers: +6

I like this a lot, I think it can have a good amount of tension when done right which is important for me in a story. Plus I love the slow burn of feelings, and also just the depth of emotion and comfort you get from friends to lovers, and sometimes it can be genuinely hard when one of those friends is dating other people, or if theres a really interesting thing keeping them apart. Yeah, I like it.

Found Family: +1

I don't feel a specific way about it, definitely not a turn off. I've read a few really really sweet fics that frame the trio (Baz, Simon and Penny) as found family, which is nice. Generally just fine about it.

Hurt/Comfort: +10

PUT IT DIRECTLY. INTO MY MOUTH. I am a fucking sap for hurt/comfort. It gives me the swoops. There is fucking nothing I like better than lovers (or almost lovers) comforting each other and taking care of each other, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. It's sexy to me. It affects me deeply.

Love Triangle: -7

I fuckin hate love triangles actually, in all manner of media. Like, it's not a sure thing that it'll put me off a fic on sight, but I seriously can't think of any examples where this trope didn't make me deeply unhappy.

Poly, open relationships: -5

Mmm I'm very monogamous and also have bad history with open relationships so I definitely don't seek this out and it's generally a big turn off for me in a fic. But that being said I am deeply interested in the complexity of managing an open relationship (something sort of touched on in Someone Wicked) and there are definitely some throuples that I can totally get behind. I am allergic to most snowbaz throuples except sid/simon/baz (catch me one day writing some delectable threeway smut for Dre.)

Mistaken/hidden identity: +2

I truly don't know if I've ever read a story with this that like, really drew me in a specific way? I don't think this is a regular snowbaz trope either, and I admittedly don't wander too far from the snowbaz fic these days. I'm not opposed, just don't have a specific affinity for it.

Monsterfucking: +6

I like monsterfucking, but its gotta be tied to emotions. (Those emotions can be overwhelming incoherent ecstasy tho.)

Pregnancy: -9

I want kids and I like kids, don't care to read about them or pregnancy. That being said, I have read nearly every mpreg fic in this fandom (snowbaz) because you all are too talented and too fucking powerful. But it took me a while to click on them, generally.

Second Chance: +8

I do actively seek this tag out, because I am a sadist, but breakup angst also really truly hurts me. As someone who's a well known angstweaver (which I definitely just made up) most angst is appealing to me, delicious to read, exquisite, etc, but breakup angst wounds me deep ya'll. I hate thinking of them not together. I hate thinking of them thinking they are better off not together. I hate IT it makes me cry all of my tears.

But I love the path of recovery and finding their way back to each other. That shit is GREAT.

Slowburn: +10

Yeah baby gimme that pining. I love a slowburn because I love tension, and you get such good fucking tension when it takes a lot of work for them to get together. Also you just see more rounded, complex characterization because they are generally working through feelings and spending time together and just building up that relationship. And I'm a sucker for it, makes the get together all the sweeter. I love all kinds of burns, but slow burn gets me good.

Soulmates: +9

Yes, absolutely yes to soulmate fics. I also love a trope reversal here specifically, because there's a part of me that's also obsessed with the choice over destiny factor and seeing how that comes into play meaningfully, but I will say that the vast majority of Snowbaz soulmate fics have been really fucking good and it's a tag I purposefully seek out.

Also tagging @shrekgogurt @theearlgreymage @bookish-bogwitch @moodandmist @messofthejess @raenestee @facewithoutheart @martsonmars and @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

#favorite tropes #tag game

[delusion-of-negation]

aros get a lot of shit, but lately positivity gets very understandably focused on getting others to have fewer negative reactions to the total lack of those romantic feelings. and i get it - i too have dated an abundance of people who say "yeah it's fine", then turned out they just didn't believe it was real, and planned on changing me, and got violent/angry as things weren't changing, i've been told "i'll find the one, i'm broken, it's just my autism, i'll grow out of this, i just expect too much, i'm not trying hard to build relationships, etc etc", and i could go on, and obviously i understand the need to combat that. i, however, don't think we should allow the prevalent narratives against us to dictate our own voices. it's undeniable that grey-aros, aros who do feel love in some capacity, aros who want to feel love, aros all across the board who face struggles outside of an incredibly base acceptance by others of one bit of being aromantic, and many many other situations, often get left behind - similar to what happens for many civil rights conversations, when one singular simplified voice begins to take the forefront. there tends to be a need to present something not very much deeper than a one-line dictionary definition, when talking to the masses who like their boxes. it sucks though. like, what does an aro who has been somewhat in love get out of a post that acts like it would be impossible for an aro to fall in love, some casual assumption the writer states as fact? while ultimately that benefits the quest of combating an incredibly popular narrative (the one), it does so at their expense. at the expense of real, existing aros. personally, i can't accept that expense, it's making people into crabs in a bucket. we can talk about it with nuance. some aros have loved, nothing about that fact undermines that "the one" is harmful and doesn't work and isn't real - it even harms allos ffs. somebody else who shares your label feeling that feeling doesn't mean that you can be forced to feel that or ever will feel that (similar to how terfs think "personally i don't like trans women so therefore it would be impossible for a lesbian to like them", it's complete nonsense). we cannot make progress by leaving people in the dust, we cannot accept some baby steps of progress that trampled on others to make almost no progress anyway, and it's just real disheartening to see fellow aros so eager to shove grey-aros under the rug. aros get enough shit from stupid tumblr polls that say some of us shouldn't consider ourselves lgbt+ or queer because we just basically are slutty men/mascs, we don't help that when we go "no no WE'RE the good ones, but they ARE slutty fakers over there", we just perpetuate it.

#note i said similar in that comparison not identical if i meant identical i'd've said that #inb4 i get the common dumbass response

[astriiformes]

u (asexual) were not always included in the lgbt community 😭 y’all started existing in 2008 after the hard work was all done don’t lie

Usually I wouldn't reply to a message like this -- it was sent in response to a post that included plenty of examples of historical ace and aro involvement in what we now think of as the queer community, and was obviously sent just to be inflammatory and get an upset reply. I'm secure enough in my ace and aro identity -- and have more then enough allo, queer friends who consider me a part of their community -- that mean asks on tumblr aren't about deter me from my activism, both in the aro/ace sphere and the broader queer one.

But this particular anonymous ask just so happens to be one of the most astonishingly self-centered, short-sighted examples of ace hate I've ever gotten, so let's have a little talk about what's going on here.

Anon, it takes a special kind of person to claim the hard work is done and over on Trans Day of Remembrance, when we are mourning at minimum 32 people who were killed in the United States for being transgender in this last year -- and at least 327 people globally; on the heels of 2021 being the single worst year the Human Rights Campaign has recorded for trans murders on the United States, and when just yesterday night, 5 people were murdered and another 25 injured in a shooting at a queer club. When 2022 has seen the highest number of pieces of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation filed in the United States on record -- many but not all targeted at not just trans people, but trans youth. When states like Texas and Florida are sending social workers after parents who support their children's gender transition and scaring queer and trans teachers out of schools. When there is an increasing movement to ban books featuring queer stories from schools and libraries across the United States -- including ones like Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer, which talks extensively about the author's aromantic and asexual identity as well as their gender journey. When TERF rhetoric dominates the news and political spheres in the United Kingdom, and British trans folks face horrific waits of three, four, five, and more years to access lifesaving care as the number of providers in the country who can offer it to them dwindles. When queer Ukranians are speaking out about the danger the invasion of their homeland by a country with a number of trans- and queerphobic laws in place puts them in (and when queer Russians have been living under those laws for some time now). When queer and trans people all over the world are watching all of this with worry for ourselves and the people we love.

What part of that is easy? What part of the hard work is done? Trans and queerphobic sentiments are on the rise and you seem to think you have some kind of laurels to sit on -- and worse, some kind of moral superiority. Tell me you aren't involved in the fight without telling me you aren't involved in the fight.

I (asexual) happen to have marched in a protest for trans rights in below-freezing weather this week. I had a conversation with the vice-president of my university's queer student organization about how I'd like to get involved in leadership next year. I helped talk a peer down from feeling suicidal when she came into the queer student center crying. I have also been talking a lot lately with my queerplatonic partner about how much happier she is having learned to embrace her ace identity and how much more comfortable she is in an ace relationship. I have been fighting for this community out on the streets while you decided the best use of your time was to hide behind anonymity and try to tear someone fighting for you down.

Because guess what, anon? Even if you want to pretend this fight -- that, yes, ace and aro people have been in all along -- is over, I don't think you deserve to have your right to marry taken away just because you grew complacent any more than I deserve to have a doctor make belittling comments towards me while I hold my queerplatonic partner's hand in the ER just because we're not married. (And yes, the latter actually happened to me this year, in this oh-so-easy world where all the fighting's done and where ace people were apparently never victims in the first place.) You're a bully, but you're human, and my queer advocacy doesn't exclude anyone -- even jerks.

I've been identifying as aromantic and asexual since I was 16 years old. In the last decade, I've received dozens of messages like this, and had hundreds of other horrible judgements slung at me in the reblogs of my posts. I've had people I marched with in Pride parades say insensitive things about my identities the very same day. I've watched other ace and aro friends bear similar trauma at the hands of our own community and We're. Still. Here.

My friends from the university's ace and aro club marched side-by-side with me in the snow, with handwarmers stuffed in our gloves, to protest earlier this week. Another of my aro/ace friends founded a queer affinity group in a major international charity club that has hundreds of members worldwide now, supporting each other and forging life-long friendships. Another ace friend is on a committee at my university fighting for more gender-neutral restrooms on campus. I've helped queer friends move from unsupportive homes and spoken at others' weddings when most of the rest of their family refused to show up. The queer community is my home, and it's an honor and a privilege to fight for it, even if it's a tragedy to still have to. I don't have to prove I belong here.

But you -- who seem to to think that tearing down someone different from you, in a community that's been about being different from the start, is the pinnacle of activism? You might.

#honestly just stared at this message in my inbox for five minutes like really? we're doing this today? TODAY???? #like i know the people who fling this kind of thing around are not exactly considerate or stirring activists but. goddamn #going to do my best to tag diligently here but let me know if i miss anything #aroblogging #aceblogging #transphobia cw #queerphobia cw #homophobia cw

[polaroidcats]

Sirius: 6, 12, 22!

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I know you always say I'm ridiculously Remus-coded and I do agree, but there are also so many things I relate to in Sirius. Maybe this is a bit more fanon/fanfic Sirius but whenever Sirius worries about being too much, taking up too much space, demanding too much or being annyoing, all of that, I feel that so much. Nothing makes me angrier than people calling Sirius a drama queen or sth like that, just for expressing his emotions and going through a really fucking hard time.

I also think Sirius cares very, very deeply about the people close to him, and about the world in general (also in a political sense), and that is also something I definitely have in common with him.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I mean this is nothing new or revolutionary but I love demisexual or gray-ace Sirius so much. And I also think that works so well with my fave, fuzzy boundaries poly marauders. Just, Sirius loving James and Remus and Lily and it taking him a while to figure out in which specific way he loves all of them because it's not that obvious to him as it might be for allo people. <33

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

I love it when his family backstory is explored, I love it when his relationship to Reggie breaks my heart a little bit, I love it when he blames himself for James and Lily's deaths even though it was not his fault, I love it when he gets to be an actual, well thought out character with flaws, I love it when he gets to be political, I love it when he's smart but at the same time his one blind spot is him being stupidly oblivious when pining after Remus, I love it when he gets to be as queer as possible in any kind of way, I could go on forever.

I don't love it when Sirius is made into a one-dimensional, often more feminine, stupid person who's only personality trait is pining after hot dude Remus, that's just not the vibe!! Trans/Fem/Genderfuckery Sirius hell yeah, but that doesn't have to mean Sirius is suddenly stupid and unable to have any sort of personality outside of "Remus's love interest". I don't love it when Sirius works a boring corporate job (and is fine with it) in an AU, he just wouldn't do that and I have to really love a fic writer to accept that for him in a fic haha.

Character ask game!

#thank u for sending me these bat my keyboard made such nice sounds while i was typing it hehehehe #ask game #bat tag

[huntersgrave]

Hi, it’s sorts of my first time posting something like this but well. I feel like I need to talk about it. So; I’m (legally) almost an adult now and I never had a crush on anyone. Ever. Not a “proper” one that is, not the kind other people tell me they had/have. I honestly don’t even really known what is a crush exactly, and it’s a bit of a thorn in my side. I only recently discovered that I’m very likely not allo and while it’s great to know, I still feel like an impostor whenever I talk about my queerness, since I don’t know any other queer ppl irl who share my experiences. I went through not exactly pleasant encounters with men in my life, and I was always a bit afraid of them. In connection to that, there’s always a tiny voice in the back of my head suggesting I could crush on men if I tried hard enough or made myself allow it in any way. At some point I did believe that, but now that I’ve worked some stuff out I know that it’s not how it works. Feeling of disgust and fear doesn’t equal attraction. I know people that were faced with much shittier actions from men then what I went through and they still had crushes on some of them. I always loved the idea of being with a women, my perfect fantasy was to move with my wife to a forest, and spend hours just reading books to each other, kissing, dancing, listening to music, going on walks. Being with a girl seemed the most natural for me when I was a kid and when I became an older teen. And I am romantically and aesthetically attracted to women in my understanding of what attraction is, but when I find out what other people actually feel when it comes to having a crush I don’t understand it at all. Whenever I am attracted to someone it’s just a little fantasy, and not an urge to do anything. And if I befriend those people attraction fades away. Whenever someone actually offers a relationship or anything similar to it I get a huge rush of anxiety. A big part of me wants to accept that it’ll likely stay the same throughout my life, and I won’t feel attraction that my allo friends describe, but because of my experiences I’m always scared that I’m wrong, so I can’t claim that part of my identity yet, unless I’m 101% sure. Does anyone relate? I can talk about it with my friends, but none of them go through anything remotely close to it, so I was hoping that maybe I’m not alone with it out there, in the community.

#asexual #asexual lesbian #asexuality #aspec #queer #sorry for the rant #acespec