#maybe dont try to mirror what humans do actually be human

[reverieaa]

Hi! I'm the same anon as last one who read your 'Change of clothes' (can I be your anon? i'll take any emoji)

So I had a spiritual epiphany which was sparked this morning after going through my notes of states posts (yours as well as @neobora and @remcycl333) and I wanted to share. I think the non-duality concepts finally tied in for me.

This is my epiphany:

I think the true purpose of manifesting as humans is to realise our true selves as infinite beings. To remember & reclaim our limitless power and transcend from the limitations and illusions of the material world we were born into. When you truly understand the law and can practice it well, you are no longer a slave to the material world and its rules. You are unshakeable because you know you are far greater than this temporary shadow. You realised the truth that your reality is whatever you choose it to be, through your awareness. And the process of coming to this realisation, of reclaiming our power, is the awakening & liberation itself. The desire for material things was only the carrot on the stick that led us to learn to manifest, to exercise our power, never the true end goal. The true reward is knowing we are God. We always were and always will be but we needed to remember. And this is how.

Thank you again for your lovely posts. I never thought I'd finally 'get' states but I think I do now. I now read loa posts out of interest & as a reminder of my own power, no longer looking for *the* thing that's finally going to get me what I want. It's always only ever been within me. I can't look outside to fulfill it.

Funny thing is I actually manifested through states a year ago with a few things I didn't care about. I was like 'oh I'll give what I read a try" without any expectations and I realise now I executed it perfectly. The reason I overconsumed, spiralled and couldn't persist when it came to "big" desires is because I was still identifying with the outer man in the material world which falsely believed that it had to work hard to get "big" things it wanted (hence thinking I had to constantly be thinking or doing something about it like doing methods & routines to have it); I hadn't actually realised my true self and true power and identified with it.

Now I know it's accepting that state of being within you, identifying with your inner self (the infinite being) and dismissing the shadow that the 3D is. I also want to credit/give a shoutout to this reddit user Own_Ad7567 who is a shifter as they contributed to my eventual epiphany. I realised shifting is the same essence of what is talked about here, it was very fresh, interesting & eye opening to read about the law framed in yet another way. Their post 'For those who struggle with doubts and focus problems' in particular is really good but all their posts were fun to read! They said:

"Understand that your 3d, or physical reality (basically what you perceive around you) is the least real part of reality. It is just a projection of the 4d. Like a cinema: what happens on the screen is just a projection. If you want to change what's being projected on the screen, dont focus on changing the screen, change the film and the screen is quickly going to be showing something different

I know on loablr the most used analogy was the mirror & face but it never really clicked for me until I read that! And then afterwards I read @neobora's 'Through a different lens' post & it just solidified my understanding.

Wow I'm amazed at how long this post is. Maybe it will help someone else too. Thank you again for your writing all those posts and answering all the asks. I still haven't read most of it but that's just how impactful your posts are. I gained a lot of clarity just from reading a few. I am truly grateful to you, @neobora, @remcycl333, Own_Ad7567 and everyone who shares their understanding of the law. Thank you guys!

You are absolutely amazing, anon! Thank you for your kind and sweet words, and your wisdom. I hope this helps sb put there too and I'm certain that it will. I'm seeing it more and more everyday in this community, despite us having upset and downs. I'm proud that you've finally reached peace in your journey like this, and I'm honored that you let me be part of it, along with the other bloggers

You can be my anon is you wish, I'm not very active here but would it be ok for now if you went by an initial or nickname?

#law of assumption #affirm and persist #manifesation #manifesting #neville goddard #3d #affirmations #loa #loa methods #void state

[coenloveshisbffpouty]

Don't change.

I tell you that all the time

The more I do the more I realize

That even if you change

I would love you through any change.

I think the reason I tell you not to change

Isn't because I don't want to see you grow

Or because I don't want to see you be happier

But because in a way I'm selfish and my love is all consuming only for you.

Even when you don't feel beautiful.

Even when you look into a mirror and never enjoy what you see.

Even though you try to avoid seeing yourself or your body.

I would do countless things to make you

In your eyes, where self-disdain may dwell, I'd trade gazes, that you might see yourself well.

So you could see yourself as perfectly as I do.

I've always been the type to talk and dissapear.

I've never clung onto anyone or keep friends.

It seems I always do something wrong.

It seems I always drive others away from me

It seems like I'm never good enough.

Not for others so definitely not for someone like you.

Someone who is so kind that they have no choice but to call theirself naive and stupid.

But being kind amidst a world so harsh isn't naive,weak, nor is it stupid.

I think it's one of the strongest things you can do.

Something I was never able to do.

After being hurt a few times I gave up on being kind

Maybe that's also why I never want you to be unkind and change.

I don't want you to be like me.

The beautiful words that you say were never made for someone like me.

The ways in which you miss me make me feel a warm embrace on my heart.

The ways in which you never call me it but I know deep down I'm your favourite makes me ache.

Ache to do anything to stay your favourite.

Because I've never been anyones favourite.

I've never been promised that someone would stay and they would actually stay.

I've never been told I don't have to try so hard as you always tell me.

I've never had a kind person like you in my life.

It's like you're everything good and I'm everything bad.

I only wish you were within my grasp,

For I would hold you with a firm locing grip and never let anyone even graze your kind heart.

I would never let anyone dirty your pure soul.

With you I never feel as though I'm not enough.

So I want you to feel the same way with me.

And maybe thats why, sometimes I get mad.

Seeing you talk to others as though their the best you've ever had.

I'm sorry for being so in love with you that I can't see anyone else.

But when I saw you nude for the first time although you were fully clothed.

I fell so hard, as autumn leaves do.

They fall slow and steady until they can't get back to where they once were anymore.

I saw you naked, but yet nothing physical.

Instead I saw just how deeply your affection goes.

I saw the things you were afraid to show others.

I saw everything that you hide as though they make you not feel human.

I saw everything that you thought anyone would hate that made me fall even harder.

I want to always be here for you and hold your hand,

vowing to love everything about you even if i dont understand.

You say you know love exists because you exist and you're full of it.

Your love is like, a reservoir full to the brim,

Overflowing, touching hearts not meant to swim.

Like me.

So much that everyday I crave you to tell me you love me and that you're doing well.

You're beautiful words and the kind things you do for I were never meant for a person like me.

I wonder how I ever had the dumb idea of falling for you when there are so many greater than me.

Youre everything good and I'm all that is bad.

This love of mine leaves me terribly sad.

The light in your eyes which makes me lose my sense of direction have such a distant glow

even when I feel like I'm so far away from you always left behind in your shadow.

Why did i ever choose a path so tough.

even when I know my love will never be enough.

You are a beautiful sunrise and I'm a dimming sunset.

My words are never good enough, nor are my actions, or my entire being.

Why did I have to love a love where you are everything good,

and I am everything bad?

Is that what you think I believe?

I don't think of that at all.

My love for you is not wasted

I feel more as if its for the better.

Because everyone who has once held you

Shattered you just a little bit.

So I want to show you truly that unconditional love exists.

And you are worthy of this love the same as everyone else.

Did you think you weren't?

Because of the bad things you think

Not only about life but also yourself?

You may declare yourself tainted

But my brush will always defy.

On a blank clanvas, I crafted a vision so sublime

Silk dark hair portraying, eyes that brightly shine.

Yet, this painting of mine merely scratches the surface,

For your heart is terribly sweet, with love so honest.

Complex thoughts in a mind which explores,

Feelings that resonate, sincere and yours.

In hues of emotion, my brush will always display,

A masterpiece of love, in every single way.

You can gaze upon my art

As much as you'd like.

It isn't just your physical beauty.

It's ineffable and it is true.

It isn't just physical for it is the essence of you.

Every chapter of your life is imperfect with blemishes.

But each blemish a chapter is a vital part.

Because we all have imperfections.

Some worse than others.

But no one blooms every moment of their time on earth.

Just like flowers we also sometimes may wither and dry up.

Just like the moons cycle we may have moments where we are dull and not bright.

But what is important is we will always to back to how we were.

Even if it sounds absurd.

I tell you not to change

But even you can't always remain the same.

My love for you is undying.

Not because my heart beats only for you

And not because all I think of is you.

But because you feel as though you're the other half of my soul.

My best friend

You and I are both aware.

I will die and so will you

But I write countless things

With you woven deep into my words.

Hoping that atleast one person remembers them.

So my love for you will never be forgotten.

If others love you with a grain, I would give you the entire dessert.

For a heart as kind of yours deserves no less.

Your love is a haven where I can be myself,

Wherever life takes us, it's where I belong.

So go ahead, dream big, chase your hearts desires,

For in my arms, you'll always have a home.

#unrequited love poetry #poem #poet #poetry #love #love poem #love poetry #unrequited love

[apompkwrites]

you may delete this—- may i ramble on about my ideas for the some of vice-dormleader’s siblings?

i plan on rambling about the other twst characters too but that aside:

Clover!reader

They weren’t the best at baking like the rest of the family, which is why they are often outcasted from the family since it was their family business afterall, so it was odd seeing a Clover not good at baking.

This led to harsh comments and insults from their parents, which shattered reader’s confidence in their skills in anything. Suddenly, one particular comment changed everything, “Look at Trey, delivering orders as fast as lightning. You should be more liking him!”

This led reader to start being around Trey often and always asking him to teach them this and that, help them with that and this.. sometimes reader even mimicks Trey, maybe something he does to concentrate, something he always says out of the blue and even when he stretches.

Trey notices this and finds it amusing, not aware of the consequences and what this may lead to, and it isn’t anything good; reader became more dependent on Trey and always thought, “What would Trey do?”

losing their sense of identity and independence, unable to even recognize themselves in the mirror, because all they saw was someone who tried their hardest to be someone their parents wanted them ti be: like their older sibling.

Bucchi!reader (he’s a vice at this point, official or not)

Reader gets accepted into NRC, happy that they’ll finally see their older brother more… why in Great Sevens is he being bossed around by a lion prince?

You know when someone spites or hates someone else because they have something they don’t or living a better life than they are? reader’s mentality.

How come such greedy, selfish bastards get success while their kind are left fighting for scraps?

So they aren’t amused when they see their brother playing errand boy for one and will do their best to be an absolute menace to Leona, unaware that stereotyping all rich people to be greedy and selfish tyrants… (lol just wait until reader meets Kalim)

Leech!reader

Reader just wants to live a normal life, making friends and falling in love.. but they can’t have that when people always try to swim away from them since they’re the younger sibling if the infamous Leech Twins

Reader dislikes their family and their last name because of this, causing a rift

Still, their brothers aren’t having it and always smothers them with ‘love and affection’ even though it’s just them trying to embarrass them now that they’re in the same school now!

…say… i wonder when they’ll finally snap back at their brothers?

It would get ugly if so.

Viper!reader

You have been born into this world.. and is subjected to a life of servitude! Hoorah!

Because if this, reader was molded into a blank slate, a robotic like person who’s only mentality/purpose is to serve

So when people try to interact or talk to it like a normal person, they just space out, this wasn’t part of their training

of course they have feelings as well but they don’t want to be ‘weak’

Jamil and Najma definitely try to bring out their more expressive side, and this just adds to more reasons why Jamil resents this role they were given and his master

So when they end up in the same school as Jamil and Kalim, how are they gonna survive human interaction? Because this poor soul isn’t ready for it—-

this wasn’t in the manual?!?

black sheep extended universe :OO

i wouldn’t delete this anon <333 i thought about making ones for other characters too but held off so this was fun to read!!!

little clover!(name) looking up to trey in an unhealthy way but he doesn’t know that DD: i like the idea of the clover parents being a bit more oblivious as opposed to being straightforward? like they dont realize how their words affect theit child and simply think of it as praise for their beloved trey?

lil bucchi!(name) having an actual healthy sibling relationship but they are angered on behalf of him :(( like he’s taken such good care of him and all (name) can think about is paying him back by trying to ease his workload through being a menace. or or or they do the tasks for him instead and end up working too hard :0

leech!(name) having to live in their brothers’ shadows except it’s just they’re feared for being related ;-; and imagine they hate their eel form the same way ashengrotto!(name) does except leech hates it because they’re seen as dangerous and a threat to anyone who crosses them. they just want to make friends 😭

viper!(name) and rosehearts!(name) would prob get along really well. anyway, my first thought was jamil and najma holding (name) close and jamil just saying “what have they done to you?” def the one i wanna write most if i do,, but thriugh jamil’s pov prob because he feels so helpless and like he can’t do anything to make a better life for (name) :((

imagine vanrouge!(name) who just feels isolated from their big brother because he was always so busy, kinda like draconia!(name). like they want to have a relationship but never had the time. and and and everyone looks down on vanrouge!(name) because look at how cool their big brother is! (name) can’t fight. (name) can’t take care of the heir to the draconia name.

#a pompk answers #black sheep

[lazulian-devil]

Thoughts on Book 9, halfway point

Okay so im in Book 9, right? End of Phase 1 of Skulduggery Pleasant.

And I remember, back when I read it as it came out, that I hated how it ended, how everything was so fixed on Darquesse, that I was relieved that she was finally gone from the story (lol) and that I went into Phase 2 weirdly exhausted. Book 9 actually made me abandon SP until something like Book 12 was out?

Now, according to my Kindle, Ive read 94% of Phase 1. Im somewhere around Chapter 56 of Book 9, so Im about halfway through.

And I have to say.

Its such a full book? So much happens? And its so all over the place? Okay we are here now, and now we are here. Brides of the Blood Tears, other dimension, back again, Darquesse, Mirror Image revival, future perspective telling us its all gonna be okay, and and and.

I think Im overwhelmed by this book. Last Stand of Dead Men was utterly enjoyable. But it felt like the book had purpose. Book 9 on the other hand feels like its desperately trying to write itself out of the godhood of problems it created. It wants to do justice to everything Darquesse was built up to be and yet still defeat her.

The problem is that the strategies are simply not very clever and knowing in which direction its going also makes so much of it appear cheap because it wasnt really relevant later?

Darquesse is both built up to be non human and yet appeals to humanity. And I suppose theres a point made there but its... shes just not fun? I think she never was as a villain. Her whole speech about how changing energies is not killing someone and then through like five minutes of group time she remembers "oh fuck, yeah nope that was wrong". Its so weird. Its so jarring. The character feels inconsistent in their own darn book.

Its not that its badly written. Tanith returning is great. Billy Ray is such an utterly human figure in this one and I genuinely feel bad for him (as he evidently truly loved Tanith as a Remnant). Skulduggerys treatment of the "other" Nefarian Serpine shows so much character growth. China is more and more actually an involved character. And a few others I cant remember.

I just.

I dont know. Its a weird feeling because many of the books I have read over the last dozen weeks were also in my head as "not actually that good storywise but well written" and some of that has turned out wrong! I always enjoyed reading them but some stories are much better than I remember.

But I think I arrived at this point in which the story is too large for the books. I care about the characters. About the world. But I dont know if I care about the stakes anymore. I dont know if Darquesse matters to me anymore. What does she even say about humanity? What does she reflect? That we can grow? That we are inherently evil? These are all things better illustrated by other characters.

Is it supposed to be a play on the Phase 2 reveal of Valkyrie being actually a Faceless One? Is Darquesse a shard of said ungodly evil? If so, wouldnt we have benefitted from said reveal in the Phase of its relevancy? Why is it so late?

I think SP sometimes suffers from the Star Wars "Skywalker" symptom of everything being connected at all times.

I dont know. This is weird. I still have 6% and around 50 chapters to go but Im unsure now. I stand before the mirror of literary interest and wonder if there is anything substantial to be seen.

And I know I'll enjoy the book. Its well written. I love Landy.

But having read them all in a row in such close succesion makes me realise how somewhat badly planned they are and how many massive plotholes there often exist.

Maybe the story got too big. I dont if i'll be exhausted. But Im a little worried.

#skulduggery pleasant #darquesse #thoughts on books

[mothzarellaman]

actually you know what

shout out to that one project i started and never finished that was designing every dsmp character. i did a couple collages but never finished. here were the ones done so far. (w/ notes!)

I was just kinda going for the general fanon consensus on their design ngl. i wanted to go for more unique color pallete, i think, and while i haven't seen their stuff, i just put together smth that looked neat ngl

I don't really see any ant designs that like. do anything more than make him a anthro cat. maybe i dont see enough ant designs, who knows. i also never see him in glasses. so i like the concept of him having glasses that kinda have cat ears because i think they're cool lookin. also wanted some puss in boots inspo. wanted to lean into the 'frost' part of his name too, hence the blue-ish tones. and wanted to throw in some red velvet colors for obvious reasons.

I just kinda threw together design elements i've seen and liked in sam lol. i think creeper centaur sam slaps, and i like it when people draw cat like creepers because its funny. I also was trying to go for unique crowns for the like 5 people on the server that had them.

i wanted to go for like the reds and blacks that he's known for obviously, and tried to lean into the cult thing with the egg with some choices. the AI art at the bottom was added because this was before i realized how awful it was, because i thought it would be neat to play around with design choices i wouldn't have thought of otherwise. the spider lily is actually due to my concept of having every eggpire member associated with a certain part of a plant, with bad being the petals.

Again, another streamer i dont really know. just went for things that vibed.

as you can tell i had no ideas for callahan. maybe i was trying to go for like an android?? idk man. the electric mask was for the concept of instead of talking obviously , the words would just scroll across his face. deer cape because capes are cool.

as you can tell, i was losing motivation for cool designs and lacked inspiration. the land siren thing is actually my own concept/explanation for hybrids. basically a species thats highly adaptive that mirrors humans and often eats them. got land, marine, and air. all based off of animals that live there.

i think i just wanted to bully connor ngl. i think his sonic onesie should be like the og movie sonic. terrifying. he also gets participation trophies.

Wanted to go for like a big mix of stuff with dream because i had too many concepts. wanted some stuff from cat because, ya know, green and black. black mamba dream is cool, idk where i saw it, but its cool. i also like the concept of dream with butterfly traits to mimic moth/spider tommy. because butterflies are freaky but most people like em. the gold heart is because i associate that texture with the revive book. yada yada. this was also made before the dream drama came out.

kinda just what i said in the image. the words cut off are made and portal. don't got much else.

i remember seeing an object head for eret that had them as a nether star and its lived in my head rent free for a while. plus me and @espion7971 had an entire joke thing about eret being a god, so there's some vibes there. also the cosplay that isn't eret is by Ihaveakarrotproblem from the dsmp reddit. ( https://www.reddit.com/r/dreamsmp/comments/rnxly4/my_eret_cosplay/ )

and eryn is where i stopped. never finished him. wanted to go for like a parasitic nether fungus i think, to explain his bloody arm because i think it would be neat.

#hoo boy #tag time #dsmp #mcyt #aimsey #antfrost #awesamdude #badboyhalo #dsmp bbh #boomerna #callahan #captain puffy #connoreatspants #dream smp #dreamxd #the eret #eryn #boom. #bare bones tags but who cares.

[transsexual-terabyte]

🖊 + PLEAAASDE LET ME LNOW ABOUT XAVIER 🫶🫶 ANS MAYBE ALSO THE OLD MAN WHO TAKES HIM IN

YAYYYY HII HIIIIII soooo xavier twirls hair um

so. xavier my buddy xavier......... even b4 he was banished 2 earth he was always really fascinated by the concept of humanity (though all he really knew about them was that they existed, they were mortal, and they were strictly prohibited from learning about) (rule in place because angels are considered holy to humans and so learning about something that considers you divine is considered 'dangerous') (but higher up and more powerful angels can contact and even pass through into earth via mirror shards in certain special cases) (xavier absolutely does not fit into this catergory) and in the end the drive to learn more about humanity is what drove him to seek out the mirror shards and be banished for it (initially he managed to steal four shards but he only managed to successfully conceal and hold on to one of them after being caught and falling) .

and because only a specific few higher up and holy angels were ever allowed to go near the mirror shards at all, no one had any idea that lesser angels could use shards to open communications between dimensions, which is how shard comes into the picture (shard managed to pull off stealing mirror shards years in the past but never got caught) (they're afraid of humans so they dont really know why they did it) (shard is not their actual name but it's what xavier calls them), coz suddenly the mirror shards they stole are displaying an image unprompted and its of xavier being banished and subsequently falling to earth and well he's not in great shape (angels arent able to feel pain, but they have to abide to the life rules of wherever they inhabit. mortality, pain, illness, etc, are all rules of earth that angels do not typically experience)

and anyway shard wakes him up and he freaks out for a bit because um. he just got banished from his fucking home !??? to an entirely different dimension ??? with no way of getting back ??!? but shard's reading the news of what just happened to xavier and it brings up that he was always too interested in humanity so they have a !!!! moment and bring up the fact that... well. you like humans right ? you always wanted to learn about them ? i know this is... horrible, but.. maybe you can learn about humans there ? since earth is. where theyre from. and well xavier doesnt really have anything else going for him so he grounds himself to the idea of. well if im trapped here i can learn all about humans and since i have a connection back home... maybe we can spread news about humanity ??? teach people ??? and shard absolutely does not want to do that but agrees that since they have a connection and its the Only One like this, xavier can teach them all about humans. (even if theyre slightly very terrified). and so tjats how they get started.

um but the whole there only being one exit and no entrance back home really Does mean theres One Exit so all angels fall in relatively the same area (which happens to be a graveyard) so one of the locals to the area takes it upon himself to help any freshly fallen angels back on their feet again and accustomed to the new environment. and while xaviers standing there trying to come to terms w everything they notice him and approach him and offer to help heal up that broken arm of his and grab him a warm meal and a place to sleep. and xavier agrees, so he comes to live with this old man and his dog for a while, learn all about humans firsthand, make a friend, learn how to live here. (shard is not a fan of this. theyre mildly terrified about the entire prospect but well. its xavier's banishment, it's his choice if he wants to live with some strange human and his dog). . jts technically dangerous for humans to have prolonged exposure to angels for a number of reasons but the old man has been doing this for decades now, and angels arent unheard of on earth anymore, so there are lots of things to keep them both safe.

most importantly in regards to the old man though is that he loves fishing and takes xavier along with him and xavier quickly developed a love for fish. hes fascinated by them. loves watching them swim. loves studying them. and eventually when xavier decides ro explore further and further out into the world, he gives him a fishing rod and some bait so that he can go out and do what he loves (and hes always welcome back to the house if he ever wants to)

ummmm...m thinking thinking but i thuink thats a lot alreadg. scrolling up. oops.

#asks #hii hii pig ^-^ #ermm for any1 who doesnt knoe abt my ocs btw... go look at my artblog i post them all the time on there

[severedegg]

thinkonh SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FCUKING hard aboug hlvrai and how id have it all set up n such💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

OUUGHGGHHGHHHGGHHHH......... my fumnking brainspace is filled

ok so like...

because gordon got actually transported into the game the science team can see what he actually looks like n not as a playermodel of course

i think its a cool thing, itd be also very interesting if there was just the standard model that he was shoved into n him being like 'who tf am i' when lookin in a mirror or something

anyway

im thinking about how there are other users thatve played the game

i imagine that the game/benrey sort of resets dr coomer n bubby n tommys memories so they dont remember the other users but maybe they remember parts of interactions so their ai learns each time? n sometimes get imtense deja vu when something similar happens maybe 'i dont know why i said that' cause something just.. kicks in and theyre like '... oh..'

also thinking about what the users would look like n the kinds of shit theyd do n the points they gave up etc

gotta think up 11 whole scenarios for that...

the later users should be easy cause those are the ones that benrey had became tired with very easily, hed quicken the rate hed kill the players moving onward

ill find some reasons that he didn't do that with gordon, shouldnt be too hard honestly

like hes tired of fighting, just wants a break

a new user, the thought intrigues him so he keeps him around

likes poking fun at him since hes easy to tease

gains a bit of a crush on him perhaps, makes him rethink if he wants to do it

and other shit ive missed since needing to rewatch it

need to analyse it and make notes n jot down what happens but essentially, hes having fun with him around💜and hes conflicted

benrey cant die, we know this, so really he just lets gordon kill him by his own hand along with the help of the science team

he does it as punishment towards himself because he doesnt want to kill gordon and he doesnt want to restart it all over again

once gordon 'wins' he gets transported back out of the game and he takes some time to think about what happened

he wasnt in there too long actually, only a bit longer than the run time of the actual game

joshie is at school so he picks him up n the next day he logs back into the game, being pulled in again

he wants to find a way to get benrey out, and hopefully, the others too

ill figure out a way he does this, itll require him to send joshie to a friends house to babysit for a while, because i want the science team to be able to hang out with gordon regularly

i need to find a way they can

i could probably bend the rules of my own thing so they can also be sort of pulled out of it

OOOOO..... YAKNOW WHAT???????

WHAT IF THE SCIENCE TEAM WERE LIKE... ACTUAL PEOPLE.... they got sucked into the game (probably by benrey) n became part of it all, which then the game started 'rewriting' them

this means they can come out (somehow) but theyre permanently different

benrey is not human... i dont think the same can happen for him unfortunately....

but gordon can take him out of the game and into something else

also idk why benrey wouldntve takem over their bodies if they are to be real people....

an attachment? loneliness? their file corrupted somehow and he couldn't access it?

OH WHAT IF THEY WERE HIS FAILED ATTEMPTS AT TRYING TO AND THATS WHAT CORRUPTED THEM.........

cause though he knows he wants to get put that doesnt mean he knows how to.....

benrey would tell gordon that theyre real people and can leave but gordon would be mortified if he was told why

he didnt mean to do that though... he was desperate........

gotta think about when those happened, what they used to look like too.....

so much to think about!!!!!!!! 💜💜💜

#hlvrai #long post #rant #hlvrai headcanons #headcanons

[fancyfade]

📓

Something I'm not gonna be able to work on for a while but NTT fix-it fic for when it starts going off the rails. Some plotpoints I know I want to include:

Dick and Kory break up after the Tamaran arc (rather than the Mirage and Wedding Crasher Arc). Raven also might start seeing Kory sometime soon after like in your fic :)

The Brother Blood brainwashing stuff is isolated to just after issue 40 something and Dick slowly gets angrier there, to the point where he has control pretty much up through ToT, because I don't want to negate what I find meaningful about his nightwing arc.

Possible a ToT slight re-write on the ending, where Raven gets to stand up to Trigon rather than putting that in the Brother Blood arc. I dont think she should be involved in the brother blood arc that happens right after tamaran arc 2.

Tara is not dead, but she is believed dead. She should show up sometime after Joey has already gotten adapted to the team, because I want Joey to have a place in the team before she shows up again. However I'm not sure where to go with her after that, whether she joins the team or just they find out she's alive. I did like @ravens-wings birds of prey tara idea but IDK if it would include it in my main canon b/c I'm not sure how much it would change. Basically she needs something tho.

The Gar plot with Slade right after Tara's 'death' involves the other titans helping Gar realize that Slade was manipulating him when he did that sob story/tara was the bad one/ i have an honor code thing. IDk when it would happen, if it would be in the place it takes place in canon or it could be after ToT maybe since that's when he talks some about killing people (IIRC he mentions madame rouge?)

The part I'm less sure about including but I think might be cool...

I might keep Joey's death (just b/c I don't know what to do w/ him until he gets revived again in canon, this will hopefully change after I read the rest of NTT and other 1990s Titans comics) but it would have to be in a way less unsaitsfying than the wildebeest arc. but I am into the idea of Slade killing him (possibly on accident, maybe he was trying to kill someone else and Joey stopped him). I am stealing from Teen Titans: Earth One here, and Joey's body still dies but his soul or whatever winds up possessing slade and exerting its influence on him (but it starts very subtle and small and Joey isn't really strong enough to do much or fully aware of what is going on at first because he is almost dead/actually dead). but anyway. for the time the writers are expecting the reader to believe he's a decent human being, it's due to joey's influence. Mostly I want the Teen Titans to see his change and then realize that something is going on (and perhaps Tara could try to kill him here).

I actually did like. Write some snippets of this

Joey's eyes met Slade's at the instant of his death, but nothing happened. His body was still there, his son was still dead

Sade, after he's having some doubts (kicked off by him being unable to pull a trigger on a mission when the target was looking at him): Is it possible that Joey survived? He looks in the mirror. “Joey?” No response. “Are you there?” 'I won't be mad, Joe.” (this scene continues til he loses his patience): “Joseph Wiliam Wilson, come out of there right now!' (he sounds like Adeline). Still nothing.

He decides the simplest and most likely explanation is he's going crazy. He can't chalk it up to guilty, because he's never taken a contract he couldn't justify completing. It's an after effect of the drugs. Of the experiment.

#so many wips so little time #this isnt a wip yet tho bc its so ambitious #i already ahve 1 huge ambitious fic in wip hell #ask #raven harlot #my fanfic #not yet tho :c #the new teen titans #tara markov #joseph wilson #raven #dick grayson #koriandr #spoiler tag

[rotisseries]

important for plot, scotts house got a drive by. and his mom was shot, and mason, and scotts dad, and lydia. so liam's upset because even though scott and liam and malia are werewolves and can heal from gunshot wounds THERE WERE HUMANS IN THE HOUSE. AND THEY DIDNT CARE. and also liam is just like. mad. thats his pack, his family his best friend. next time we see liam, hes pushing gabe on the floor in the locker room at school and gabe is like "i dont know anything i swear😰 i dont know what happened at scotts house" liam know he lying, so he picks him up by the collar and hes like "did you know who was there? DID YOU KNOW MASON WAS IN THERE?" "no no i didnt know anything . i Dont know anything." liam turns him around and smushes his face on the mirror over the sink. "maybe you havent noticed lately, but ive been having trouble controlling my anger, when things happen to my friends i just cant seem to help it." and gabe is like "no liam wait please" and hes like "I just get so ANGRY" and the mirror starts to crack by how hard he's holding gabe's face against the mirror. ans gabe is like "stop liam wait please" and blood is starting to drip on the sink and hes gripping the edge of it. and liam just presses harder and hes like "you think imma going to kill you?" AND WE CAN SEE THEO SHOW UP IN THE MIRROR BEHIND LIAM. its all cracked and weird but its theo and his annoying ass crossed arm stance. liam doesnt notice him yet "You think we're all killers? maybe we should be." and theo pipes up with: "you really gonna kill him?" and we can see liam turn around, surprised, and all of the blood thats dripping off gabe on the mirror and how much pressure liams applied because its all spiderweb cracks. and theo goes "i mean... idc if you do.🤷 but have you thought this through?" and liam turns back to gabe. "any idea where you're gonna dump the body?" ans it cuts to gabes HORRIFIED FACE NOT REALIZING THEO IS ACTUALLY INADVERTENTLY TRYING TO GET LIAM NOT TO KILL GABE. "but no one saw you grab him .. did they? cause that could be a problem." and liam pushes gabes head further and says "i dont care." and theo shrugs and says "i dont care either. but at least let me help. im the one with experience here. if we kill him, we'll have to find the witnesses and kill them too. which meannss we're gonna need shovels, some plastic bags, maybe a chainsaw..." GABES HORRIFIED FACE AGAIN😭😭 ans liam gives gabe one last push before he lets go and gabe falls back on the ground. liam looks up at the cracked and bloody mirror with his fangs out. and you can tell he already feels terrible. for even considering it. for even considering being the monster he looks. and immediately the anger melts away ans he softly says, "you made your point." two things of note. THEO DOESNT FUCKING GO TO SCHOOL WHY IS HE THERE. DID HE JUST GET A LIAM SENSE. LIKE OOPS MY ENEMY TURNED KINDA FRIEND IS ABOUT TO MAKE A BAD DECISION AND HIS ANGER IS OFF THR CHARTS LEMME HELP??? also love how he was like. lemme help with the murder, ive got experience😎. other thing if note, when liam first became a werewolf, scott told him that being a werewolf doesnt mean he has to be a monster, it doesnt mean he has to do bad things he can still choose to do good, just like when he was a full human. just thought i'd tell you. scott would be so disappointed if he lost his anger like that and killed someone. and he just cant stand that. he was so afraid of his parents finding out about his werewolfism because he was scared they were gonna look at him how they did when he wrecked and keyed his coaches car and got diagnosed with IED. he was so scared of that look in their eyes. of being looked at like that. 

personally I think gabe shoulda died but maybe that's just me

#ask #ghoultaffy #hi jayme!

[emmiri-bumble]

Fuck it, kinda Hiveswap-centric Family Collaborative Au

i am going to unhinge and talk more cohesively abut @3ternitymaze 's au (i have permission) where there was no game and earth was invaded and trolls realized quickly that you can make new grub cutches with humans. Putting alpha, beta, and hvswap casts together deliberately because its fun.

why not? its self indulgent. besides, what much else is there to think about concerning canon hiveswap (and to a less extent hstuk)? partially inspired to be vocal about it because of how much ive seen ppl are ok about karkat jr and other funky lil jr ideas. Partially because... idk maybe it'll give others ideas. So.............................................................. have Zebruh jr.

this isnt just a 2 person thing and kids will be credited to makers

disclaimer 1, reader gets written as afab here (usually she/they). your ideas of reader dont need to be influenced by this. disclaimer 2, this contains themes of human trafficking, abuse, sexual amorality, and other dark content (FOR THE PARENTS). Stop here if that is not something you should read. 18+ content, dude. disclaimer 3, poly even by troll standards. ------------------- Synopsis:

Humanity is overtaken by the Alternian Empire, humans are displaced on mass. Some luck out and remain on the planet, some become cogs in the Alternian machine, some unfortunately go into the human trade.

Many of he kids here come from the human trade, to some capacity. Its far more common for higher bloods to keep one or two humans as company. Their treatment varies.

It is very stereotypical for indigos to keep afab human company to sire progeny. And very common for seadwellers to keep humans merely as pets.

Some humans become parts of the grub-based-goods industry, often ones with/owned by lower bloods. Some retain a shaky autonomy and remain in charge of their lives Some are pushed into undesirable jobs across the empire. Some are pushed to perform for social media for the esteem of their troll owners.

Grub clutches incubated in humans are softer and more prone to duds. Lowblooded trolls can breed easily. it is likely impossible to breed past purple. Grubs from humans will be near perfect clones of troll parent except sex is not guaranteed to be the same as parent and some mutations may occur. This may result in conditions the troll parent did not have or phenotypes the troll parent does not show. -------------------

Some lead humans here: -------------------

Reader, swept into things as part of the human trade and for cosmic reasons, is auctioned off to Mallek's group of rebels. Rebels who will infiltrate auctions and attempt to win humans in order to free them. Was scared. Needed help. Eventually helps others.

Sunday, a young woman from New Mexico who had been pulled into the human trade and intentionally auctioned off at an exorbitant price to Zebruh as a dirty joke on the auction place's least favorite return-customer. Later, she will be forced to perform as a pop star as her voice is pretty decent. Actually wanted to be a parent.

Kleio, a young woman from Spain who was auctioned off to a very romantically insecure Horuss (+ to the zahhak caste in total) who at least wants someone who has no choice but to care about him. Has snacks on hand. Hazel, Art historian, retired ballet dancer, and just a tired mum. Immune to tomfoolery but will join in on it. Dancing is her love language but is besotted with what ever her husbands is trying woo her with. Chose of her free will to be an alien wife. why do the art majors and the stem majors have to fight when they can kiss? Unfortunately British They all friendships early on in different ways. Indigo galas + rebel intermingling

------------------- On to Human-Made Grubs pictured here -------------------

Reader's offspring, raised with Mallek: @3ternitymaze

Neesha Velyes- she/her An oopsie resulting from reader needing some g/d support. Has slightly wavier hair than Fozzer. Otherwise, is a decent mirror image of him as she grows. Has a neurological condition which affects her coordination. Definitely the leader. And also the oldest. If shes smiling, youre smiling. Or she'll push a smile onto that face. Strng vocabulary, not that strong of comprehension.

Emphar Maxlol- she/they A bit more deliberate. The absolute coolest kid in the hive. Chronically overcharged, too. Very much a sucker for Mallek's attention. Deeply loves all of the half siblings but wont be open about that. Family love is grody. Used to scream "NO BITE" when overcharged. "Mutated Hermod" as declared by Cirava.

Lergen Adalov- he/him Considerably more anxious than dad. Bright mind. hes just...very tired. Relies on emotional support Saturn to function. Burrito blankets all day. Wants to be a Rainbow Drinker or at least date one. Broke a lot of stuff just because he needed to know how things worked. All live between Adalovs and respective parents.

-------------------

Sunday's offspring, raised with Zebruh: @me

Zebruh "Junie" Junior- She/her A very VERY deliberately made wriggler. Dont call her Zebruh. That was a stupid decision on her dad's part. But also pretty smart because no laws prevent her from also owning everything that is his name at the same time as him. Thinks too much like her father but she actually means well. Keeps Farrus within reach for constant validation. Thinks shes the leader. Cant keep Neesha from bending her back in line. Points at earth zebras and yells "ITS GRANDPA"

Saturn Roixmr-He/him Oopsie baby. Chixie did not expect this clutch to be hers. That really was a one time thing, Sun, and she's sorry. She will love him but more like a close aunt. This is actually very beneficial to both of them. Named by Mommy Sun, hence the human name. Wants to do muscular theater. Will die if he cant help out.

Maxter Xoloto- They/them (to young in the image to understand gender, will later determine they're nonbinary) Were they an oopsie on Marvus's part? You can consider them a delayed consequence of collaboration (aka Zebruh's fault). Ankle biter grub grown up to be screaming adult. Feels rejected by clownhood and prefers to be indigo. Marvus is not absent, he is just too far away and in too dangerous of a place to raise a surprise grub. He visits. Loves his surprise kiddo. Has 0 parenting instincts and thats ok. Loves kid as much as he can. Max is insecure about it anyways. Decides to follow their parents and be a performer, too.

Due to imperial safety concerns (and genuine worry for Sunday's shaky mental health) Adalovs (and later Cirava) move into a wing of the Codakk hive early on.

------------------- Kleio's grub, raised on Zahhak ship: @3ternitymaze

Farrus Zahhak-He/him Principe no.1. His mom says so! Caste shouldn't be important but it still is. And he swears hes a reject of a reject. So he hides behind an indigo that is better in his eyes, Junie. Softer than his ancestry. Snacks a lot with Mom. Lovingly refers to the Darkleer as Abuelo. Wishes Equius was his dad. But it's Horuss. Learns how to control strength more easily since he has mentors. Will always be way too dependent on Junie and Mom. Interests beyond Mom's, Junie's, and Equius's?? what are those?

-------------------

Hazel's grubs, raised with Vikare, Kuprum, Fol, whoever Fol dates @super-stardust56

Wilbur Ratite- he/him will take apart household appliances to create his own Rube Goldberg machine. kicked out of the scouts for [restricted ] is first child and the first chair on flute.

Bronte Maxlol- they/them second child child squared Chittr artist. Is currently not take commissions They’re in the top 0.1% of Cirava's listeners will expect not criticism except from aunt Folykl ------------------- There are more, you can see the Makara twins, but that requires to much typing.

You'll see more of these kiddos, like it or not (unless if you block the tag. which is....pending). Because its fun! Maybe you have your own ideas from this. Who knows!

#ems little ocs #friends little ocs #au yet to have its own tag...... #this au has existed for a few months #sorry for being flighty about explaining it i just wanna b open abut it but i also fear being seen as desperate for validation?

[lachesine]

hahah! i didnt expect haitham's story quest to put in plain text whats wrong with him, but i guess it did all the work for me

i dont know if i would say that haitham is antisocial, but he does aggressively separate himself from society to the point of wanting to be an "outside observer" who can see things objectively

hes cold and shrewd, but not without morals. he has a good read on people's emotions, and can extrapolate enough from his own knowledge and observations to make some real 5d chess level predictions, and then follow them perfectly

one thing i noticed during the archon quest is that while there were multiple points where a certain move in his plan could be to "test the waters" where the outcome could indicate a change in plans... but none of them were ever revealed to be a test, just another piece in the complete rube goldberg machine falling into place

he also says that the opinions of others dont matter to him, but i think thats untrue! when paimon scolded him (like kaveh, if i dare say so) haitham changed his mind and went from dodging questions, to bringing the player home to explain things

on several occasions other characters call him arrogant and/or egotistical, but i feel like either the word choice is off or something was lost in translation

haitham is arrogant in the sense that in separating himself from others, people assume he thinks of himself as above others, but haitham has no illusions of that nature. he is a human who Lives In A Society, and while i dont think he forgets that, he just... never brings attention to that inherent contradiction

there is an impossible ideal hidden in the goal of being objective, as a human being with subjective experiences, and yet alhaitham pursues it anyways. by sticking his grubby scholarly fingers in as many problems that come across his desk as he can, he ends up learning new things, which he needs to do in order to keep up with his impossible, infinitely-unattainable goal

i think instead of control (how i initially read him) haitham instead values his own freedom and autonomy, because he needs it in order to keep pursuing an objective look at reality with the least amount of obstacles as possible

he hates obligation, but will rise to the occasion if it satisfies some amount of curiosity, and counts as knowledge-gathering. and thats all he really wants out of life

honestly, it's easy to read him as unambitious if you don't know him well...

and this is my obligatory "kaveh doesnt know dick about shit" corner

i think the inherent mirror aspect of the haitham and kaveh dynamic is that haitham has a good grasp on kaveh's damage, while kaveh has absolutely no clue, or is too arrogant to actually put things together

not that its hard! kaveh is an open gotdamn book

untrue fanon perception 1: haitham bullies kaveh

(obviously not from the majority of shippers)

whenever haitham has something sincerely mean to say about kaveh, its because kaveh insults haitham first. haitham rarely insults kaveh behind his back

thats not to say he never does it. but its extremely mild in comparison if he does

if anything i think kavehs the one with the emotional damage to try and instigate an argument with haitham constantly, and try to embarrass him in front of the first guests he ever brought to the house

untrue fanon perception 2: haitham likes kaveh and just hasnt said anything in plain words. for example, this explains why someone as selfish as haitham lets kaveh live with him

heres the screencap everyone likes to grab

cute right? maybe kaveh is his priority?

hell no. he is subtweeting the hell out of kaveh here

sometimes i wonder if shippers are seeing something other than huffing fumes, and in this case i think the people who ship these two, its a lot of fumes

not that i dont assign partial blame to mihoyo. they know what they did

but i think haitham is interesting, and im sad that people try to sand down his rough edges to make him like... shippable

i dont want to try an debunk the fanon that hes autistic and/or aspec because i dont really think those things can be... debunked. but i guess my 2c on both of those is that i dont personally see it

haitham doesnt avoid [socializing/romance] because its [overwhelming/boring/inscrutable], he avoids it because hes pursuing an impossible ideal and those things in the first category are a means to an end at best, and a nuisance all other times

he is a man of extreme ideals but modest goals. he wants to hold a tape measure to the world, but doesnt see himself as that measure, just that things can be measured, accounted for, and planned around

he is programming the best google maps route between his house and his desk job, and keeping an eye out to optimize other things along the way, not necessarily in the pursuit of absolute social stability, but absolute routine

[holds him up like a potato] i just think he's neat

#genshin impact #alhaitham #gensh ponderings #zee.txt #gensh.zee.txt #i crack open alhaithams skull (affectionate)

[separatist-apologist]

YES YESSS FINALLY. I am so frustrated when people keep trying to uglifiy character whe they are bad. They are not? Some of them are hot and we can see it? And do you realize how boring is cruel all the time villain? Give me spice. As an anime watcher, try jujutsu kaisen (dont mock me for liking this show plis, i know veteran anime prb dont like thjs show)

They highlight how chill the villain, going to have meeting at the beach instead of gloomy mansion, underground rat tunnel. Better, sometime they have meeting in a restaurant. Boosting the economy. (Though they did kill the worker) i just want to highlight that villain is human too, fae in Beron case. They have live.

As for beron, yes. I like that he comforts his wife. Did he love her? As you say before if I remember them correctly, Beron know of obsession with his wife. Not love. This makes it interesting as obsession and love drew a different line. Can Beron understand this? Of course no. But his frustration of his wife cant give him the same love as she did to helion. Oofff the drama. I live for it. The complex dynamic they have especially when Beron is HL. Hence, I understand why he likes to beat his wife. A motive here, maybe to hide his insecurities? Of knowing he is not perfect as he thought? Like duh, ur wife cheats on you. I would seat in front of the mirror and think about what I lack. House arrest, exile of Lucien, Eris taking care of his mother, no more trip seeing their mother side family. Did you see it now? Did you see how Beron motives abusing them affected them? Their life? Their dream? Think of how different their life is if LoA does not get caught. Fuh, I expect another child from LoA x Helion 😂 and Eris panicking. You go gurl, take what you need.

Like Ben Barnes. He is a unique and memorable villain. I like him as darkling. Still wanna skin him for what he did. Wait, i like how you potrayed LoA too. But nvm that, i rant too much. Feel free to ignore me.

This ask convinced me to finish chapter 3 of You Painted Me Golden. I was saving it for next week, but I'm so soft for the disaster that is that fic. Eris and Arina are so up and down all over the place.

It's canon, according to Helion, that Beron didn't start being physical with his wife until he caught her cheating. I do think it was emotional the entire time, though. And I think he is violent (across the board, because IPV can be more than just bruises on someones face) because he craves control above viewing her as a person with her own autonomy. She is merely an extension of him and he views her in terms of what she can offer him- which includes how she makes him feel. He's got a very rigid idea of what she OUGHT to be, and when she can't live up to that, he lashes out, either physically or emotionally or financially.

I'm trying to mirror him to real life abusers. Kindness intermingled with cruelty- just enough that you're always off balance, confused and unsure. Your reality is warped. She has a moment in chapter 3 where she accuses him of never thinking of how she feels about anything and he hurts her for it. She's stepped outside the role he's prescribed for her and it makes him angry. The violence forces her back into it, to be a person he thinks he can love.

I don't think its love, I do think its obsession and I also think that to write people off as one dimensional caricatures doesn't serve the narrative but ALSO perpetuates that myth that abusers hit just to hit. Like, I'm not saying the people hurt by them need to unpack why they hit. That's inappropriate. but for our story, Beron is scarier if he's real, with actual motivations. He's not Amarantha- murdering just for fun. He's got something to lose, things he's afraid of, a place and people he wants to keep safe.

And he's also a terrible, ugly, evil person. Those things aren't mutually exclusive. There is no redemption for Beron Vanserra, but there is an explanation for why Eris behaves the way he does publicly, and why he's so afraid to kill his father.

#you painted me golden

[puppyeared]

Sorry for the ask!! I wanted to hear more about your characters and the story of “normalville”!! (Referring to your most recent post-!) I loved reading the tags and I’m so so interested to hear more! If your willing to share? :0 ✨

omg yeah id be happy to share what i have!! cracks knuckles

so like i mentioned PJ is considered the town's "unofficial cryptid" because he likes to sneak around the town after dusk in his moth form (wings and antennae out, wearing sunglasses, slightly bigger and fluffier), so obviously hes infamous in the town but nobody actually knows its him in his human form lol. i dont really think he'd have a clear motive for doing this, he just likes messing with ppl and he likes the mothman legend lol

normalville is actually the town's nickname, its real name is actually normanville!! i decided to go with norman because norman is the most generic name i can think of, and its one letter off from normal lmao. PJ and other kids like to vandalize the town sign this way, and the town officials just got tired of cleaning it all the time they just left it as it is

I think if i did have to make a story around normalville, it would probably follow PJ trying to find out how many monsters are in the town because he likes eavesdropping noticed that some people known to be monsters doesnt line up with each person, so he makes it his goal to find out just how many monsters there are in town (little does he know, its a huge majority of the town lmao)

i think itd also be interesting if he had to really think about each suspect because he wants to know which people are monsters without tipping off the actual humans yknow? and its very difficult if you go off of rumours and everyone pretty much acts human lol

but the monsters are all very friendly!! nobodys really hostile, theyre all just very guarded around keeping their monster identities secret, thats why they choose to reveal their monster identities to ppl they trust most (and why who knows who is different for each person because it takes a high level of trust)

if i had to come up with town lore, id say this has probably been going on since the town was built (although im not sure when that would be). maybe the first residents all knew each other and were fine being monsters so they weren't worried about keeping the secret from each other, but it became a bigger deal when ppl started moving in from all over the place; although they all turned out to be mostly monsters disguising as humans too, but its like a mirrors reflecting mirrors situation, they all try to mimic each other lol

monsters all being drawn to the same small town is also a huge coincidence lol

id also like to imagine that as good as they are pretending to be human, there are small weird quirks they kind of developed? like a chain reaction and everyone thinks its Normal Human Behaviour, so they copy it too; maybe someone blinks one eye at a time really slowly and nobody questions it, others use outdated slang because they dont know that slang can go out of style.. just things that nobody really says is unusual but stands out a little ^^

#HEHE thank u so much for sending this in!!! ppl reading my tags makes me happy because its like im going on a tangent and somehow ppl find #something interesting out of it LMAOOO #i love reading the tags too because i want those Extra Flavor Thoughts and it brings me joy seeing ppl comment like that so just knowing #ppl read my tags too.. woe we are holding hands besties #im not really sure if ill make like a whole linear story around normalville but id probably keep it around like a little universe to play #around with concepts and stuff lolll. maybe ill make more concept characters and stuff #normalville #oc tag #yapping #oc pj #ask

[undeadhorse]

next time i go to sleep i hope i wake up as a tiny sapient ungulate.

i remember seeing some of the TSU art six months ago and being like, vaguely creeped out by the faces. but since then ive fallen down a personal rabbithole of studying horse anatomy and working hard on my art, and also tangling my gender identity up with my deep seated loving fixation on mlpfim. now all i can see is like, beautiful little horses that are almost perfectly what i have been trying to construct in my head as like, what a my little pony would look like irl. bc if you know anything about the show you know that just having them be irl ponies wouldnt work. these horses can play instruments, you cant do that with normal hooves.

ugh. im not sure what to do. the like, feeling inside of wanting to be a my little pony is like, almost too much sometimes. its like the same feeling as being closeted and trans again. but i cant actually like, transmogrify into a mlp or a tsu. i need to like, chill. before this turns into some kind of body dysmorphia or something. idk maybe thats not gonna happen. i just worry. i dont want to start looking in the mirror at the body i have and hating it like i did when i was a teenager. bc i cant turn into a horse. as much as i want to, as much as i can like, style myself subtly to be horsier. i cant be a horse. and i dont want to set myself up for pain by leaning too hard on this to cope. and giving myself body dysmorphia or something similar. its okay that im human.

its so complicated to be told my whole life im not welcome in any group. and then as an adult lose a lot of my connection to the trans and queer communities thru trauma and like, accidental feedback from my peers telling me again that im not welcome bc im disabled and have trauma. or bc im not comfortable with words like f****y. i have been told over and over again that im not welcome by so much of society that im like. i dont feel like im human. i feel like im a monster. not in a horrible i hate myself way. just like. if humans keep telling me im not welcome then maybe ill embrace it and be a monster, and thats something thats been bubbling in me for years and years.

but now this mlp thing. ive rediscovered mlp. it has filled a hole in me. it has buoyed me and become my muse and allowed me to start the process of reclaiming my life and building things for myself. its this font of great things for me. but im worried im leaning too much on it to cope with the new stresses in my life.

im hurting and overwhelmed and that is turning into an intense yearning to be a my little pony in equestria. so bad some days it actually hurts. which makes me think maybe the coping mechanism is breaking down and i need to re-evaluate things.

#hashtag blogging with aggy #cw slur

[livecharliereaction]

That went by so fast i havent even processed i already read the whole episode after parties included. What the fuck i need to read my own liveblogs

ange didnt actually do shit but its still perfect because just her PRESENCE is so great i just like having her around making her comments. i recall mentioning it at some point but a Sarcastic character as a personality trait is a little hard to pull off because its so easy to make it so unfunny and annoying even... but she is so witty somehow... and shes not really MEAN she is a great talker i do think this she gets along with people GREAT... Yet she has only enemies in this world. How cruel. Ange if i was in your time i would be crying in my bed at night over the fact we woudlnt be friends.

erikas another one whose screentime i aaaalways enjoy now that i got to know her last game shes sooo much fun seriously

i somehow understand beato even less now didnt know thats possible. not sure if i like the dual personality thing she has going on id have to know more

The way she looks just like you is what I really can't get over...! I can't stand it...

kanon n shannon are so Nice. Not mind blowing not life breaking but i did cry over them that one time in the other episode i think theyre very NICE. And maybe im wrong but i cant recall kanon smiling and laughing ever before like he did this episode... Theyre nice both of thme

THEY MADE HER SAY THAT TOO? the au au (i dont know what to make of it but they obviously want me to think of hanyuu with the last convo with bern but i dont know if its like. Crazy direct in that that IS hanyuu or less tangible of a connection u know. Remains to be seen)

again i dont understand beato at all how did she weave herself up just from kanons words they seemed quite normal to me... is it the additional part about observing the trial and all maybe she understood something when it was said that shannon and kanon have less than a whole human soul But beato its ok because i TRUST you to have an explanation for everything in the end...

Somehow very happy that georges past was explained up it feels like the story knows hes a total loser and leaves it up to me to decide if i think he ha somehow redeemed himself through the power of love or not (me i dont think so because his and shannons love doesnt speak to me aside from the scene where she breaks a mirror - and even that i mostly like from the perspective of shannons character and her trying to become human more than As a scene for the couple...) (but now i feel like the storys giving me room to think that instead of me having to actively hate it something something multiple truths yeah)

lol i was probab imagining some vague epilogue stuff nuh uh they married right on my screen just now in the tea party (this was about george n shannon but well battler n beato did too) (I dont know how to feel about it yet though it was just golden land so it might not carry over i mean it should in case battler n beato but it might now i dont really get the time physics still)

ange is so amazings

that EVA appearance... the womb stuff yeah that will get to me it will oh eva...

I did trust erika to deliver last episode too but this one stabilized it that girl is an ACTOR and a DETECTIVE and a NEAR PERFECT PLAYER IN THE GAME an ENTERTAINER and has a cute dress too. wow how amazing It feels too early to do some kind of rankings but i will say if she is someones favorite i Will understand

the tea party w the unions and all i do have to wonder if thatll carry over to the next game... Human kanon?.......But maybe probably not since bern game master

HONORARY SCENE MENTIONS: the intro with the wedding and closed room flashforwards (havent had a foreshadowing scene with unknown narrator for a while - higurashi loved to do that) + kanon admitting his feelings for jessica both first to shannon n then jessica aww + erika fiercely fights miss maria age 9 over nothing + battler showing up to the love trial yayyy + the little scene with dlanor where erika goes I love you. and dlanor goes What did you say? cos its so ooc. crumble of erika lore #cheating + doll jessica how cool will probably never happen again + erikas PERFORMANCE to get the packing tape ...I... Furudo Erika... haev packing tape...!! + beato erika duel near the end i forgot how fun her playstyle is that beato

AND THEN THE TOP 3

BATTLER REJECTS BEATOS COOKIES AND TALKS TO HIMSELF ABOUT IT! How heartbreaking! Wheres beato i was grieving TOO! Woww

Erika seals battler to the closed room special shoutout to the part where she reveals she "re-killed" everyone severed their heads and shit. Who does that? She is just so crazy crazy girl i loooove her.

The wedding of course... The penetrative description of her putting the cursed ring on him... the festivities... the erika dress... the knox crew argument about the windows with gaap... the overall feeling of a This is a cursed wedding. Someone is going to object and the fact that lambdabern was acknowledging this kinda too they were like Girl where is she... the letter addressed to lambdadelta... the beato gaming... Wowwww

IN CONCLUSION. Greatest episode ever did u notice i listed almost every scene literally. What the fuck. I hear it only gets better too. Ok goodnight. erika fan club

#charumi6

[lemonlovemeanslove]

while im on the topic, i wonder how much i personally have contributed to this problem, bc when it comes to making friends irl, where i can see what the person looks like before i get to know them, i have always hanged out and made friends with pretty people, with people that i find attractive. not bc im attracted to them per say, its more of an unconscious thing. and yes my idea of beauty goes beyond what social media said bc ive been friends with plenty of fat people, but thats bc i dont see fat as not attractive, not in other people , with me its more difficult bc ive been bullied by my mother about my weight since age 14 so im kinda sick when it comes to this topic in general, but that doesn't change the fact that the girls who i would consider to be amongst the best looking out of all girls ive been friends with was also the biggest, in both height and weight. But it feels like an excuse, bc if i don't find fatness to be a deterrer from beauty, doesn't that make me just as shallow?

i also realize that i actually dont have the greatest authority on this topic, being conventionally attractive, which my sister (who is STUNNING btw) reminded me of when we were talking about how looks really aren’t that important, when really, they are, its just that we have always benefited from that fact, and never really been victims of it (expect from our mother who HATES and i mean HATES our bodies, like my sister has never in her life been overweight, even by the bullshit medical definition, and yet she’s been called everything under the sun by our mom lmao)

I just think that i might actually not be that objective when it comes to this stuff. Like me not wearing makeup has NEVER been a on im going against society thing, or I actively dont want to participate in this aspect of the beauty change. I thought of it was boring and the idea of wearing something on my face is a sensory nightmare for me. i feel like im being suffocated when i wear makeup or nail polish, like i can feel it on me, which made me anxious. But if I hadn’t come from a family of good looking people with great skin, if i at any point in my life had struggled with acne, or anything similar, would I have submitted? despite how unpleasant wearing makeup is for me from a sensory point of view? bc im most certainly fucked up about weight and food and eating, and how falling into phases of disordered eating plenty of times in my life. idk if any of it would count as an eating disorder, i dont know what ''counts'' or what doesn’t (sorries if this is a very triggering way of speaking about this stuff just trying to be honest). But if i didnt know that my face was ''good'' lol, would my mess around body image be worse of? if i could rely on my face? bc its always been a comfort for me, being pretty. like im not a model which is fine bc i dont want to be, i don’t really want to look different face wise, I do really like my face. I would never rate my fave tho bc i think its sick to rate yourself the sick sick behaviour like never ever do it if people ask u to do it tell them no im not doing that weirdo. but like, when ive been upset of felt like a failure and i walk past a mirror i can stop and go well at least i have that god i love being pretty. i don’t really think that makes me a bad person, just that it's probs bad FOR me. to centre my looks less, which i dont do a lot compared to most girl my age (which isnt really saying anything given how fucked up everyone is nowadays) is probably in my best interest. But it's HARD. bc i really enjoy being pretty. i enjoy finding myself pretty I enjoy others finding me pretty. like this whole thing started bc i was introduced to a stranger and the first thing she said to me was wow ur really beautiful, like she looks great, and my friend said yes im always telling her that. and it make me feel GREAT. maybe better than i should. def more that we should, as humans.

At the same time, i worry about not being good looking enough for my family, like my parents are good looking, essentially my mom, who is gorge, and all my siblings are good looking, and i get this worry sometimes, like, what if im the least good looking of my siblings (i think this bc im the biggest out of all of them) which is crazy bc were siblings so we all look alike and several people have asked if me and my older sister are twins when they first meet us and she is pretty much my idea of beautiful but idk. Im fucked up both ways, i guess. I was never never ever self-conscious about my weight until my mother, so now im sick in that regard, but im also sick in the way i use my looks as a crutch. I need to work on both, admitting it to myself is probs a good first step or whatever. rant over i think

#tw ed #tw disordered content #idk if i should add these tags but just to be safe #mom posts