#my coping mechanisms are still bad but better

[the-tech-turn]

My goodbyes to the members of Bad Batch

(I was inspired by someone else who also did this, but I can't find them. If anyone know who the op is, please tell me so I can credit them)

(Not spell checked, btw)

TECH

Tech -my beloved-.you have helped me gain confidence when it comes to my intelligence. Last year I was very insecure about my intelligence since I was the “advanced student”. Because of that title I was afraid to ask questions, afraid of not meeting that title. My self esteem relied on my grades and even though I would have an A I was disappointed it wasn't 100 percent. But because of you I learned that I don't have to prove myself to anyone and although I may struggle with it from time to time it's a lot better than last year. You also have been a big source of comfort for me. I would love to listen to you ramble endlessly. Your voice is a voice that I have learned to love and adore. In fact I cried when I realized I would hear your voice this season. I also see you as a person who would listen to me ramble and have a genuine conversation with. Something that I rarely have. You are a strong, intelligent, determined, and loving person. That is why you have a special place in my heart. Thank you Tech for all the things you have helped me with.

ECHO

I was pretty young when I watched The Clone wars. At that time I wasn't invested with starwars the way I am now. So I never really paid attention to what I was watching. I remember part of it like watching the attack on Kamino. In all honesty I don't remember watching you at all. But subconsciously I may remember since you are one of my favorite clones. Heck even characters. I really like how competent and funny you. To me it shows that even after all that you have been through you can still be an amazing person. I think that's an important message to send. I also like how you want to keep fighting for your brothers. It shows how much you care for them, even the ones you haven't met. I love how you are willing to take dangerous risks for people to love. It shows so much about you. And finally I love how you were able to find healthy coping mechanisms and make the most of your situation. You aren't the same person as before the trauma but you aren't left worse off. Echo you are the perfect example of “you aren't what happens to you it's what you do with what happens' ' and I want to be like you.

WRECKER

Wrecker, you and I are a lot alike. We are both affectionate, loud when we're excited, and caring. I adore how you openly show Lula! You aren't ashamed of her and I think that's incredible. To be proud of who you are and being able to feel unashamed by others trying to put you down is an amazing life skill to have. I think it is amazing how you were always willing to take Crosshair back. I can tell how much you love him. It broke my heart to hear you scream after Tech as he fell. You love all of your brothers and to see one of them die and being unable to help them is something I never want to face. But you are somehow able to still keep your positivity. You seem like the person your brothers go to for reassurance due to your loving and affectionate nature. I hope that whatever happens tomorrow in the finale won't take that away from you.

HUNTER

You are an amazing father/brother to Omega and your brothers. You want what is best for them and try to help them. You are a caring person. It is just how you are. This allows you to empathize with people more easily. It is also your caring nature that drew me to you. You are how I joined Fandom in the first place, and because of that, I made friends with people who want to have a genuine conversation with me(@techwrecker @thefrogdalorian )

You've also allowed me to find people who share my interests. For that I thank you. I admire your determination. You know what you want and no one is going to stop you from getting it. I understand how pressuring it can be when people look up to you and seek you for advice but you manage to pull it off and that is why you are the leader of the batch.

CROSSHAIR

Your journey has been a hard one. You had to see your brothers leave you multiple times. You had to watch Mayday, a reg who you quickly grew to care for and love, die because of the ignorance of the Empire. The same Empire you sacrificed your whole life for. You gave up your relationship with your family, your happiness and individuality. All for the Empire to take 2 of your brothers, and take away what made you different , acceptable to take away the reason you were born and to replace it with trauma.

What you had to live through was cruel and all I can do is hope that you'll be alive to make the pain worth it.

But just because you went through all of this doesn't mean you don't have amazing qualities that I love and admire. Like me you value loyalty. It is why you left the Empire and why you are trying to recuse Omega. You are also very protective of what you care about and it is easy to see how much you care for your brothers and for Omega. I think I like you as much as I do because you remind me of my best friend. She is as stubborn,and snarky, as you but she is also as caring, loyal, thoughtful, and strong as you. It is clear for me to see why Omega never gave up on you. And I want you to know that you deserve the galaxy.

OMEGA

I have loved watching you learn and grow through all of these years. You've grown so far from the girl who didn't know what dirt was. You have faced challenges that would change many people. And in all honesty you have changed; you've changed for the better. You are still the loyal,caring and empathetic person you were before. You are a bit of everyone in the batch

You're as loyal as Crosshair, as caring as Hunter, as strong as Echo and as strategic as Tech. You have so much potential in this galaxy, and I just know wherever the force guides you, you'll never lose your spark.

(I will post my final goodbye to the series tomorrow)

#tbb #the bad batch #star wars #tbb tech #tbb crosshair #tbb echo #tbb hunter #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #tbb goodbyes

[antikr1sta]

my first ever dazai fanart I did a few months ago.. my obsession with this awful creature has gotten worse and worse. I rediscovered my old blog just to post this shit.

#bungo stray dogs #dazai osamu #dazai fanart #bungou stray dogs dazai #bsd #bungo gay dogs #antikr1sta #idk man i just got here #havent used this website in years and its weird to look at all my old reblogs.. its all very.. uhh.. sad #my coping mechanisms are still bad but better #armed detective agency #no clue #my art :) #dark era dazai #dark era bsd #dazai 15

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse #yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like #seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under #the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u #less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it #for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism #like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci #sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be #voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her #and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten #hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting #bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right #oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags- #it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it #this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so #cw self harm in tags #idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭 #fanfic #ao3 #ryan shut the fuck up

[crazy-fangirl2524]

there’s something so inherently wrong with me when i tick to include major character death in the warning for ao3

#my coping mechanism is literally reading the angsty fics #but I still could never ever actively look for fics where Neil dies first because I can’t bear to read andrew suffering so I just read fics #where andrew dies first LMAO #I know people mostly prefer to read fluff to make themselves feel better and that has never been me LMAO #maybe my life is too good yk that’s why I need some angst #or maybe my life is so boring I need angst #or it’s a secret third thing #where my life is so bad nothing can be worse than major character death :) #just kidding I’m just bored and I need angst in my life because that’s what I’m used to and I don’t have it irl so I search for it in fics #just kidding my life is just boring and I’m a masochist #ao3 #archive of our own #ao3 stuff #fanfiction #fanfic #fics

[casualhedonists]

DATING IS SO HARD WTF

#vent to follow in the tags lmao #like. what???? #people!!! chill the fuck out!! #i had some dude unmatch with me bc i didn’t respond to him YESTERDAY #and like it’s not that big of a deal we’d only just matched but like?? patience is a fucking virtue?? and i have a life? #he was all like come back :((( then two minutes later he was like ok sorry for bothering you bye and then LEFT #like. fine if you do that but the message?? what?? #anyway it came at a bad time bc. a bitch is already in crisis rn #cause i kinda feel like my irl friends hate me for some reason and i already feel bad that i’ve been so busy i’ve not been able to #talk to them that much #and i was supposed to go on a trip with my friend but that’s been postponed (not her fault or mine) #and my car still won’t start. we tried to jump it today and it didn’t do anything #anyway i’m like rapid cycling through major emotions and it’s like mimi chill the fuck out #and listening to way too much phoebe bridgers i know the end #also i’m in crisis bc i’ve made up with like. my oldest friend who used to have a crush on me and when i told him i preferred girls he like #stopped talking to me for a while #that was years ago and now we’re slowly becoming friends again but i feel so much guilt over it for no reason #and i get into avoidant episodes as a coping mechanism and like. i feel like im going into one atp #okay okay vent over im okay lmaoo #sorry folks hope your days going better than mine <3 #｡･:*˚:✧｡ mimi speaks!

[jorvikzelda]

legitimately nothing will make you realise your therapist isnt helping you very much quite like having 2 terrible terrible days in a row (in a very predictable way) and being completely fucking stumped as to how to deal with yourself

#i HAVE a therapist. i should not be having to get my coping mechanisms from my friends who got them from their therapists #like this is half the reason i started going to therapy - so i wouldnt have to rely on my friends for help #because like... i KNOW it's not healthy #in my early/mid teens I was the therapist friend who everyone came to with their mental health problems and it affected me terribly #and the last straw that made me actually go no fuck I need to go to therapy I can't do this without professional help - #- was the realisation that *I* had become that friend. the one laying all their mental health problems on their friends #and it's not getting better. I am. still doing that. I still feel like it's my only option if I actually want to be heard and listened to #anyway there are very much REASONS I'm doing this bad right now it's not out of the blue. I'm working on them today #but still I need like. COPING MECHANISMS. ms. therapist Please. #I would not be doing the Things rn if i didn't Have a way to Deal With Myself and guess where that came from ? that's right NOT MY THERAPIS #not horse game #delete later #maybe

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!! #like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha) #is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress) #and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us) #whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

[love-songs-for-emma]

they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me

#.jokes #hashtag comedy #ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week #i hope this continues!!!!!!! #today is The Day im Feeling It #still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding #also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma #time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that #work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help #the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens #fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when #things r feeling bad again #sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the #morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need ( #the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me #also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it #thank u. #.txt #maria is literally just rambling. hi #personal #yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort #mental health #/pos #silly hour!

[candlebel]

I did what I could with what I had.

#Coping mechanisms #Coping #Survival #There were times I surrounded myself with ppl who didnt like me or meant very little to bc being lonely hurt that much #I still kind of regret it... I believe “better off lonely than with bad” is 100% true but therapy wasnt in my radar at the time #So as my therapist put it... I did what I could to survive. #Then I couldn't give other ppl the attention they expected me to give them #so I went “I don't care about anyone I'm a narcissist I own it” but in truth I had them in my mind 24/7 #For years what I thought was my “true nature” that I was ashamed of was a coping mechanism #“if you don't do what I would do that means you don't care” that's outright cruel #I showed as much interest as my situation allowed me to #If only you had waited... #If only you had given me more time... #If waiting hurts you so damn much then don't. Move on. #Self compassion

[storm-of-feathers]

I had that Moment all adults have of "why could I write novels in class in hs but struggle with paragraphs now" and I remembered 2 things

1) I have ADHD, I was terribly understimulated in class, it was probably my only outlet for doing Something while I listened to stuff I didn't care ab. The last time in my adult life I got a lot of writing done at once was when I waited 14 hours in the ER after I had a seizure for the first and yet only time in my life

2) I was on medication specifically to help me focus lmao

#since we're coming up on a year since that seizure i will hopefully be able to be re-medicated again #and id like to get back on ADHD medication tbh maybe ill finally clean my apartment lmao #plus ofc i wanna get back on antipsychotics and maaaaybe a lithium? #idk although yeah bpd and bpd emotions do still kinda suck i think im in a much much better place to handle it now #like if im splitting or otherwise having a bad reaction i have like. coping mechanism #idk im rambling but ill be fucking t h r i l l e d to at least be on some more meds again #i legit dont mind being 'heavily' medicated IF IT MAKES MY BRAIN FUCKING WORK

[vilelittlecritter]

I hate when I'm trying to enjoy something and then I turn around and there's a hoard of gatekeeping assholes going

"THAT PERSON ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING SUPER CONTROVERSIAL 8 YEARS AGO AND IF YOU LIKE THEIR CONTENT YOU SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOUR INTERESTS ARE SHIT"

Like nice as if I wasn't already self conscious about letting myself just enjoy a piece of media which has helped me cope through my increasingly declining mental health because I'm scared of coming across as "cringe" or "weird" because I've forced myself into this mindset that I need to constantly be super mature which has led me to just straight up not be able to just enjoy doing things.

I'm tired, feel nauseous and angry and I just want to enjoy something and not feel like I shouldn't enjoy it at all.

#this is indeed about omori #like sure if omocat has done some horrible shit recently that's fair but if they did i can just enjoy the game but not support them #i play omori on gamepass so im not exactly paying them im paying Microsoft. i could be wrong about how that works but still #and even then as far as i know the worst they've done is some weird tweets from like 2011 which they got called out on at the time #and when they did they apologised and again as far as i know they haven't done anything like it since #you know i could be talking out my ass and i probably am but im just upset okay #i love omori and its been a coping mechanism for me while ive been dealing with my mental health and seeing it get bashed kinda hurts #of course im not saying if you dont like the game or omocat you should feel bad. absolutely not if tou have an opinion on omori thats fine #its just some people just go way to far with it and it makes me feel like i should feel bad about just enjoying a game #why the fuck am i writing this. nothing im saying is making sense and i just sound dumb ass fuck #you know what fuck this post if your reading it please fo do something better with your time im just having a dumb ass moment

[chisatowo]

Thinking abt band swap Kasumi again. Girlie with Issues <3

#rat rambles #band posting #band swap au #she is so. she is so. <3 #gotta love me excusing making toyama mom a backstory so I can include elements of it in band swap kasumi backstory #aka toyama mom's shitty friend who in my canon hcs got arrested ages ago but in the band swap au managed til kasumi was abt 13 #and in fact got arrested for attemted murder on kasumi (and asuka sorta) #she was a therapist before and hoo boy was she a bad one #shes been gaslight gakekeep girlbossibg toyama mom for years upon years rip #theyre all doing a lot better now but things obviously arent perfect #but hey kasumi has friends now to thats pretty cool even if one of them is rimi fhjdydh #rimi uh. is a bit of a messy person in this au dhsjgdjdh #shes not a bad person she just has her own issues and has very bad coping mechanisms for them #thinking abt all of them reminds me that I still need to develop saya more #I have like. a basic idea for her. but Im not sure if I like it anymore tbh #but at the same time I dont wanna leave her more so untouched since thatd also make things tricky thanks to rimi #but ya arisa is basically identical to canon arisa to start and she and kasumi meet in a similar way #but yukina is also there and now arisa has two emo kids who keep breaking into her home to fart around #kasumi is still doing kasumi stuff ofc and ends up getting into music basically the same way as canon #but yeah after arisa starts coming to school she pretty quickly gets incorperated with the rest of the friend group minus rimi who still #insists on eating alone and saya and tae both end up getting attached pretty quickly #and they agree to help kasumi practice at arisa's place and arisa is like hey you cant just do that whenever since did we agree on that #smash cut to arisa's place with her showcasing her new keyboard and all that #eventually rimi catches on that theyre all doing this and is like what the fuck tae what are you doing saya why are you performing with #them but still refusing to join kasumi hiiiiiii bestie ^-^ and who the fuck is that blond bitch #tae and saya are both like this is arisa shes ours now can she join the band too #and rimi is like absolutelu the fuck not I will not allow ametures and they like but kasumi. and shes like no thats different. #but then kasumi is like I actually would like arisa to join us if you would be ok with that and rimi is just like. >:/. fine. #and arisa is just sitting there like hey hey I never fucking agreed to this either but its too late shes a part of the band now

[puppy-the-mask]

So I've been thinking about Stratum; Alternate Route and I usually think about Ave and the kids but I haven't really expanded on how her loved ones might feel. Like just imagine you’re Rant for a minute, You’re 15 and you’ve lived isolated for the last 2 or so years in a heavily boobytrapped house with only your older brother who only visits sporadically due to his work (who you can’t even leave the house with in case someone sees you two together, for your own safety) and your best friend through those 2 years, a Human who has to leave regularly but has a scheduled visiting routine that you look forward to and rely on- walking with her being one of the only allowances for you to leave the house(Mutt didn’t let him at first but Rant was very convincing and wouldn’t give up- threatening to start telling people he was Mutt’s little brother and other such things until he relented, though he was totally already doing it regardless- he just didn’t feel bad about it after getting Mutt’s approval ^w^). 

And then she suddenly stops showing up

Rant Spirals

He’s trapped alone with his thoughts and wonders what he did wrong, if she’s mad at him- even though she seemed normal when she left, maybe something came up? Maybe she’s just late? It gets BAD, days pass, then weeks, then a full month passes until eventually once he’s cried all his tears and screamed his voice raw and is just so utterly exhausted- for the first time he feels resentment for his once best friend- in the second month resentment becomes hatred as he decides that she’s left him. He doesn’t know why but she abandoned him just like he’d feared- part of him whispers it’s his own fault but deep down he just knows It’s All Her Fault. She’s the one that fucked up, leaving him behind is gonna be the worst decision she’s ever made. And he’ll never forgive her for that. 

A year passes more lonely than ever, his resentment hardening into a hard shell around his soul that makes it easier to keep others away. He still gets quiet when he remembers that this time of the month is when Ave would stop by but he’s starting to stop noticing- only really feeling the stings of hurt when it hits the month she first left him. Mutt vows to rip her apart for what she’s done to his brother, stealing the vibrancy he used to exude despite the circumstances.

And then a froggit shows up at his doorstep

This Froggit immediately starts questioning him- but when he retreats and lets the traps do their work he finds that- while the first dusted- more take it’s place as his home is invaded by a wave of small froggits, all led by a lone distorted figure. A Froggit on two legs wearing a cloak of black feathers, just like Ave used to wear. And when it finally stands before him, looming over him as he cowers in the corner, it demands that he tell it where it’s sister is. The conversation that ensues Guts Him

Ave has been Missing for the last year and despite Anty looking high and low, sending their froggits to every corner of the underground and the forested mountain above they can’t find her. And now they need help, anything he knows about her whereabouts or any possible leads- or if he’s had her stowed away somewhere running from her responsibilities to her family. Which is what Anty had initially assumed, begrudgingly stating that if she had run anywhere down here, she’d run to him. And boy doesnt that sting? He’d honestly assumed the worst of her and come to find out she hadn’t abandoned him- she’d been taken… She’d Been Taken From Him. the words ring in his head as he numbly stared for a minute- letting it all process as the burning fury he’d felt at her betrayal is suddenly doused in gasoline. All that hatred and rage is now put towards a new purpose, making whoever Dared to steal his best friend away from him Regret They Were Ever Born. He decides that the only way to make up for all the time spent hating her rather than searching he has to be the one to find her. He has to save her or he can never forgive himself, he sometimes wonders what she’s doing at that moment as he falls asleep. He hopes she can sleep well but that same part that before had blamed him for her loss tells him that the longer he spends in bed the more she’s hurt, that at any moment he could lose her forever if she’s not already dead. And a secret third part tries to convince him that she really did run away, that Anty and the rest of her family were abandoned too- who in their right mind would stay underground when they could just walk through the barriers to freedom? It whispers that it’d be so much easier to hate her again than grieve her loss a second time

#Stratum; Alternate Route #Rant(oc) #Purpfell!Sans #casual conversation #Genuinely- Rant is one of my favorite characters to psychoanalyze #there's just so much to him #he's a sweet ball of unhealthy coping mechanisms and i just wanna hold his hand- tenderly smooch the corner of his socket and say #'babygirl you've got issues' #'you are not mentally stable' #it's ok though we can get through this together #he's both relieved when he sees her again but their relationship will never be the same #they've both changed too much #they'll still love each other again- just in new ways that fit them better #and he's also devastated to see the state she's in after Fell's experiments #whenever she starts to open up about what happened to her he literally can't be there for her- he has to leave the room he just can't- #handle it #he knows it's shitty of him- not being there for his best friend after a life changing traumatic event because of his own guilt #but any mention of the labs makes him want to throw up- he feels selfish but Ave assures him it's okay and he can see in her soul she doesn #'t blame him- he can see it hurts a bit but she doesn't blame him which just kinda makes it worse #he wishes she would- he still feels bad about hating her but even if she found out (from Mutt) how he'd felt after her disappearance #she still wouldn't hate him #she's become a much calmer person- compared to what she went through everything else just seems inconsequential. And it's not like Rant had #any way of Knowing what had happened to her- she rationalizes it and just can't bring herself to hate someone she so genuinely loves #memories of him are some of the only things that kept her going- he was one of the things she lived for #Spite may be a powerful tool but without the right motivation what's the point? How is she going to survive to spite the world if there's #nothing in it to drive her to want to keep living? #other than to annoy fell but that gave out a year or so in when the pain outweighed the satisfaction of seeing him annoyed at her continued #existence- she played it up like that was her only source but really she wanted to see her family- she wanted to show the kids how a real #older sibling treated their little brothers- she wanted to live for the people she loved #and she'd be damned if she let anything- especially this cocky ass toothpick- stop her from completing her goals

[glowwormcave]

i think i got into chess to cope with life

#it gives me a goal #plus a new hyperfixation is an incredible way to compartmentalize the system #because that makes me. host. functional. +now i cant hear anyone because my brain is so focused on chess #its actually a genius move on my brain's part #chess is a great coping mechanism so im not that bent out of shape over it #i just wish i could play more puzzles and do more lessons on chess.com #paying for shit sucks and i dont like doing that. chess has such a high learning fence when youre a beginner that doesnt know where to go #im watching videos mostly gotham which kind of gives me an idea of tactics and things to watch out for #im still very bad at chess but like its getting better

[myname-isnia]

It's been 3 hours since the switch was randomly flipped in my brain and guess who was fucking right in saying that it will prevent me from falling asleep

#I am neither joking nor diminishing anything by saying that I was literally just chilling #watching youtube #completing my nonogram puzzles #minding my own business #when all of a sudden I got hit with a wave of frustration and self hatred #the kind I usually get when I fail at art or writing #but I wasn't drawing or writing #I wasn't even thinking of drawing or writing. sometimes just thinking is enough but I wasn't doing it #I thought if I just ignored it it'd go away but it didn't #and now it's half past 2 a.m and it looks like I'm having another sleepless night #I'm so fucking tired #it's bad enough that this thing attacks my hobbies and coping mechanisms #to the point I'm seriously considering quitting because of the strain all these breakdowns over writing put on me #but now it's going after me just enjoying a quiet evening?? #you're telling me it won't get better even if I abandon the hobbies that were once so dear to me? #what's even the point of anything then #if I can't even sit around doing nothing without feeling like shit #times like this I'm reminded that no matter how much I try to distract myself or convince myself that I'm getting better #I'm still severely mentally ill #and sooner or later I'll lose everything I enjoy doing to it #art and writing was only the first step #how long until I can't do anything anymore but cry and think awful things about myself #and then lose sleep over it because I can never fall sleep after crying #I can never fall asleep anyway but after crying it's even worse #if I didn't have important shit to do I'd skip school tomorrow #no one wants me around when I'm exhausted and easily irritable anyway

[truthundressing]

ouugh i hate having to play back every second of the last few days to try and pinpoint a trigger when i get a flare up😑

#especially bc i have a bad memory for small details :/ #im literally the boooooo i hate ur pussy at myself all the time bc why does my body literally hate me :// #and why are we six months down the line and ive still not found a better symptom reliever/coping mechanism than complaining😐 #not to quote 1964 by blossom caldarone but i really love having a whine and a moan #to delete