#now scream with me bc i've been internally screaming about this for years

[the-crooked-library]

On Horror, Queerness, Mirrors, and Dracula

Your wish is my command (you may or may not regret this). 

Here’s the thing - I love horror, and I love patterns, and I think the best horror is always in some sense symmetrical.  It might not be obvious, but what’s the point of staring into an abyss if you can’t see your own face reflected back?  The symmetry itself comes in any number of different twists, whether it is familial, communal, erotic, or individual, and most of these apply to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. 

The centre of our novel rests on the Harkers.  So, starting with Jonathan - his experience in Transylvania is a twisted version of his life back home.  Dracula is reserved but eloquent, seemingly caring and occasionally affectionate, he reads train schedules and they spend hours upon hours in conversation; which is a dark mirror to Jonathan’s train schedule-loving, passionate but serious Mina.  It may even be said that the Count is re-enacting a caricature of traditional heteronormative domesticity - he maintains the household, waits on his guest himself, and blows him kisses from the stairs.  His possessiveness of Jonathan is the only way a vampire like Dracula is capable of understanding the bond Jonathan shares with Mina.  The Count states that he, too, feels love; but he is written by a closeted gay man in the late 19th century, so his imitation of married life is both a lie and a tragedy.  He is a shorthand for forbidden, wrong, and corrupting desires. 

At the same time, Mina herself also has a same-sex connection in the beginning of the story, and her relationship with Lucy mirrors the relationship between Jonathan and Dracula.  They cling to each other, in a sense; despite being excited about the prospect of their impending marriages, there is some trepidation associated with this new stage in life.  A common part of a dowry used to be a shroud, simply due to the frequency at which Victorian wives died in childbirth soon after the wedding; and even provided a survival, the transition to married life was still a loss of innocence.  As such, Lucy’s affection for Mina is the last expression of her girlhood, and she herself is the personification of Mina’s.  Lucy is, therefore, the direct antithesis of the Count; her death and subsequent rising change Mina the same way that Dracula does Jonathan, establishing a firm duality between the Harkers and their respective vampires. 

The other characters are reflections of each other, as well; the suitors defend while the brides terrify, Van Helsing wants to preserve life while Renfield wishes to consume it - and even further, the old Hungarian lady cares enough about  a stranger to give Jonathan a cross for protection, while Lucy’s own mother lets Dracula into the house herself, selfishly ignorant of her daughter’s needs and the doctor’s orders.  Another parallel is drawn again between Jonathan and Renfield, who represents directly what he could have been, had he not escaped from Dracula’s grasp; which makes Renfield’s vehement, last-ditch attempt to protect Mina perhaps all the more poignant.  In him, she sees the resilience of Jonathan’s humanity; while he gets to see exactly what she could become after her turning  - in Dracula himself.  These dualities are integral to the story’s thematic structure, and therefore inextricable from each character’s development. 

There is really too much to say about each individual dynamic to fit into one rant, but for the current purposes, I can forgo the details.  They all converge as it is on Jonathan and Mina, and thus, the central theme of this story is devotion.  If Jonathan had truly broken, like Renfield, Mina would have stayed by his side; and if she had fully turned, like Dracula, he would have adored whatever shred of her still remained.  In madness and in death, in happiness and sorrow, in sickness and in health - until the echoes start to sound like wedding vows. 

@stripedshirtgay​

@bluberimufim​

#dracula #dracula daily #jonmina #jonathan harker #mina harker #dracula meta #bram stoker #y'all asked for this #now scream with me bc i've been internally screaming about this for years #it's about the DEVOTION #lucy westenra is mina's innocence #dracula is jonathan's fear of inadequacy #renfield is his humanity #dracula is an evil version of mina i said what i said #that's Partially why jonathan wasn't weirded out enough #like yes yes eccentric old count #but he writes a diary in shorthand #and his fiancee loves train schedules #who's he to judge

[altschmerzes]

any more details on jamie settling in living with ted + adjusting to that everything you’ve posted is so good

YES ABSOLUTELY here is, in no particular order, an assortment of details about the process of jamie settling into living with ted and adjusting to that new reality:

(cw for non-detailed references to abuse and ptsd symptoms stemming from abuse trauma)

- when ted first takes jamie home from the hospital, roy goes with them. he sleeps on the couch in ted's flat for over a week before he's finally willing to spend the night in his own house (away from jamie) and that is far from the last time he stays at ted's just because neither of them can stand to be away from the kid overnight. eventually, bc it is murder on his back, roy starts sleeping in ted's room with him when he stays over on those nights, bc their dynamic is evolving too as all this is happening and they get a lot closer as they're like, really in the thick of basically co-parenting this kid together. (i am EARNING my platonic co-parenting tag on this fic okay sdlsk) this part isn't so much about jamie but it's a detail about those early days that i think about a lot.

- in the early days jamie really tries to like- he wants it to be Clear that look i'm not asking for anything i'm not entitled to, this is a Business Arrangement or whatever, you're too good a guy to let me go back to my dad after what happened or keep bouncing around my friends' couches like i've been doing while in london, but i know what this is and what it isn't. and ted's just like. respectfully. i do not think you do.

- (bc obviously ted is like. i did not take in an abused sixteen year old to be my roommate. when he talked to michelle on the phone about what he wanted to do, how he wanted to take action not only to get jamie away from james but to bring him home as well, and he wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be a bad decision for henry's sake, michelle told him to go get his kid. that's what this is. as far as ted's concerned, this was his official step into the role of being this boy's father, and he's going to live up to that.)

- even though ted's never raised a hand to him, it's hard for jamie to believe, really internalize and believe that he's safe there. sometimes, something will trigger him and he'll be pretty sure for at least a brief period of time that ted's going to snap and things are going to get bad. one time when this happens and jamie has a particularly bad panic attack as a result, once he gets calmed down and settled a bit, ted decides to try something new to see if it'll help. he first explains that jamie is never, ever going to be hit here, because this is not a hitting family, and ted is not going to scream and holler at him either. he'll make mistakes, and might raise his voice every so often, but he'll do his best not to and he'll always apologize if it happens, because that's not okay here.

and then after that, after making that extremely clear, ted goes on with his new plan for something that might help:

"Until you can believe me, or any time you’re just not sure, that’s the real nice thing about this community we got here, is you’ve got plenty of real good people around you that you can go to. So if I ever do anything that hurts you or scares you, you can call one of them, and they’ll help you and keep you safe. I’m not ever gonna give you a reason to need to make that call, but it’s important you know that it’s a call you can make. So we’re gonna make a list, okay?"

"A list?"

"A list of people you can call, if I ever hurt you or make you think I’m gonna hurt you. So that you can look at it and know you have choices."

so they make a list. (roy is the first name that goes on it. but they add a lot of others too - beard. higgins. julie. sarah kent. rebecca. mae the pub owner, which gets a laugh out of ted.) (it's a big list, and it's a little overwhelming for jamie to look at. he spent a long time suffering and scared on his own, and now he's only got the memory of that, the way living like that has made him afraid even when he's safe, and he has this whole list of people who'd drop anything to get him out of a bad situation if he just made a phone call.) (ted DOESN'T ever give him reason to use it, but while he's working on believing that ted isn't going to hurt him, even now that jamie lives with him even now that ted is becoming, has become his dad it makes him feel just that much safer to know that even if it did happen, he wouldn't be alone again)

- the first time that jamie's friends come over to hang out is a really, really big deal. not just to jamie (who did not bring friends over to his dad's place) and to ted (who knows it's a big step for him to do this, to take up space like that) but to the kidgang too (they've never seen him like this, without the looming threat of what he went home to hanging over him).

#gav gab #gav answers #fic: wriggle up on dry land #i could say one million things about these early days #the process of learning how to be in this new normal together #it is Everything 2 me #writing liveblog #abuse ref

[captainmera]

heyyyyy!! I love love love the golden brother fic and I’m going to check out ibwr bc I love your art so much 😭😭 And your writing??? Impeccable. Characters are on point- and Gus finally gets the recognition he deserves 🤞🤞

so anyway, I’ve been wondering a few things,, I started re-reading it and you mentioned spring break? And in canon the gang gets back to the demon realm in the fall, and I think it was said that Masha was going to work with Jacob during the summer. Idk why this confused me bc for some reason I thought spring break was summer break in the fic. I think it was also suggested that Vee could enroll in the next semester, so would that be after summer break? And when/how long is summer break for Luz?

this makes me wonder what school breaks are like in Sweden

😪 maybe I just haven’t been paying enough attention, but it lead me to wondering what a timeline for the fic would be? Like what month did they arrive in the human realm and when spring break was + summer break is etc? But I was also wondering if they are still going to leave in October, bc now that they know about the portal + titan blood they can leave whenever they want right? Unless something happens that keeps them from leaving.. 😶

anywayyyyy thanks so much for writing golden brother it’s literally soooo good and I love it soooo much 🫶🫶🫶

putting this under a read more!

God honest truth - I thought they arrived in the human realm in spring time. It looked to me, going by Willow's photo album, like they spent spring, summer and autumn there. Kinda like how Luz spent her summer, autumn and winter in the demon realm!

If I wrote summer instead of spring for Masha, that's a hiccup on my part. :'O I should go back and correct that-- I'll write it on a post-it note and hope I remember asdfghj!;;

I actually had to look up how long the spring break in a Connecticut school was this year, and according to that it was a week long. I think sweden gets two weeks spring break?

Our summer break in sweden is about two months. Idk if it's the same in America. I'll have to look that up when summer comes around. :'O

And yeah, matey, I've been sitting here staring at myself in the mirror like "you idiot they have the Titan's blood now."

But aha, ah~! What can go wrong shall go wrong and if there can be conflict lets have at it! That is the lifeline in my pocket.

...I just need to remember this dialogue between Luz and Caleb again so I can get ON with this chapter. Because I thiiink Caleb had a good point and it KEEPS SLIPPING MY HEAD.

Anyway--

THANKS A BUNCH FOR READING!!!! Next chapter might take awhile because I'm kinda *internal scream* atm. :'')

And if you check out IBWR, thanks a whole bunch!!!! ;;O;; <3333

#tbg #tgb spoilers #tgb ask

[lunapwrites]

So, I have been kind of Going Through It this month, and I need to scream about it briefly because if I don't I will explode.

General content warning I suppose for health-related stuff and a LOT of discussions about food. Not ED-related.

I'm not going to get into specifics (if you know you will know) but I have an autoimmune disease that has been in remission since... fuck, like... 2015? So I've literally had EIGHT YEARS of smooth sailing. Until this month.

It could have been triggered by one of several things: stress, diet, maybe even the smoke from Canada (which is very possible given the whole immune response bit.) Or it could have just been my time to have a bad time. But either way, I have spent the last couple weeks in the "finding out" phase of the "what the fuck can I eat that won't make me feel like I want to die" game.

It has been extremely trying.

I'm currently on a modified low-FODMAP diet - both less and more restricted bc I can't eat half the shit on it, but also FODMAPs aren't necessarily the trigger - there's just a lot of overlap. Most of what I've been able to successfully tolerate for the last few weeks has been white bread, white rice, eggs, unsweetened applesauce, bananas, and avocado. None of it seasoned. Green and white teas have been mostly OK too.

I don't know if I can really stress enough how fucking miserable this is.

Like seriously I had to sit through a dinner with my in laws where the only actual safe thing for me to eat was kaiser rolls so I ended up sitting there in a small amount of pain for the rest of the evening because I wanted to see if there was ANYTHING I could get away with. I had a plate of brownies in front of me that I literally COULD NOT TOUCH, not because I'm trying to watch my weight, but because I'm trying to be able to walk back to the car under my own power. And it wasn't my in-laws' fault, because they had no idea I'm in the middle of a fucking medical event when they cooked the food, and it's not my partner's fault bc he asked me what I could eat before we even left and I said, honestly, that I had no idea, and let's just play it by ear. (Like an idiot!)

Anyway. I feel like I'm just being whiny about this but like. Cooking was hard enough with how bad my ADHD is, and I was just getting into a rhythm with these meal kits I was trying out, and they are GOOD and I have BEEN ENJOYING THEM but I literally just tried to start eating the occasional salad and my body responded by bleeding internally, and the only thing I can do right now is to just stop actually enjoying food. Which, considering I fucking love food - it's my love language, I find legitimate joy in sharing meals, I even write it into every goddamn fic I've ever written - it is quite possibly one of the most devastating things that could have happened to me. To have this one little thing I found joy in not just be taken away from me, but actively cause me intense pain. And not only that, but to have the solution be something that makes a thing I was already struggling with a million times harder.

This fucking sucks, and I am angry. And also really fucking sad.

It also doesn't help that I have an extremely high chance of developing essential tremors as I get older, which will make things like art and feeding myself next to impossible over time, so like. Really. Really doing a lot to give me things to look forward to in the back half of my life. Thanks, body.

#not writing any of this for pity. #it just really sucks. #and i know there's a lot of chronically ill folks here #i'm sure you've had days where you've wanted to rage against your body and set everything on fire. #just having a moment. a month. we're working on it. #i'll find a new normal eventually. #lp bitches #health stuff #chronic illness

[mpregfrance]

so i have finally had it this time. not posting for attention but screaming into the void bc its all i can do. please don't click read more unless you're willing to hear some deeply gnarly/personal stuff. and please don't unfollow just bc you didn't heed my warning. this is a personal blog and there's a real live human woman behind the deranged hetaliaposting.

i now know for sure that i intend on ending my marriage. i can't leave yet, but i need to start planning for it. im done. its not worth it.

our first wedding anniversary is in a few days. i have always had thoughts in the back of my mind about us not lasting, but i didnt think it'd end like this, so soon. im embarrassed frankly.

we have had our share of problems both major and minor. but the final straw is that my husband has more or less assaulted me.

so there are more details below but i've been pretty sex repulsed (by irl sex) for the past... 10 months or so? we are not completely sexless but it's usually coercive, with my husband guilt tripping and pestering me for sex. usually i manage to get out of it, even if i do wake up to him rubbing up against me - that doesn't bother me too much.

but yesterday he was being particularly forceful and threatening me if i didn't start having sex with him again whenever he wanted. so he initiated the act. i kept saying no. no i cant. please stop. i dont want this. im gay. and he said no you're not. and he forced me to give him head while also grabbing my breasts and making me undress. i hate being naked. i nearly vomited. i feel disgusting and violated.

the thing is, that part about me being gay wasn't a joke or an excuse/defense. that was me refusing him. i have told him that i am attracted to women so many times and he doesnt even believe that's possible. like, that bisexuality is real. yeah. that hardly scratches the surface of his terrible beliefs and opinions. but i digress.

i don't know if i'm only sex-repulsed due to him getting me pregnant and the subsequent loss, (ruptured ectopic, almost died) which affected me permanently in a physical way and im undeniably also psychologically but i have yet to process that in its entirity.

i am definitely at least bisexual, if not gay. and possibly asexual/gray-ace or whatever. the only men i really feel attraction towards are fictional/purely ideas. seriously. i'm deeply affected by comphet. growing up i knew i was queer but i was also abused by many men as a teen so i guess i internalized it. somewhere down the road i also became really attracted to the idea of settling down and having a family. (i still am, but my priorities have changed the more i see older moms. im only 24, my friend didn't have her first until 34.)

anyway, regardless of my sexuality or lack thereof, aside from our numerous other problems (incompatible personalities, different ambitions, lack of common interests, him being an abusive controlling manbaby, overbearing MIL, living situation, etc.) i am repulsed by him and i cant be around him anymore. i hate him.

the mistakes i have made for/because of this relationship are of a devastating magnitude. i've burned a lotttt of bridges (not my mom, thank god) but with other family, friends and previous employers.

i'm a dummy. yeah. i'm not going to lie. i have invested almost 3 years and over $10k of hard-earned wages into moving to australia for a man who doesn't respect me. i have no income, no privacy, little irl support, because he's isolated me to the point where i'm not me anymore. the most i can hope for is to get a full time job, and/or write some more original stories and possibly get a book deal or self publish. it'll all go into a divorce fund. it'll likely take over a year before the prospect of leaving is financially viable. but i'm not even sure where to go from there. the economy is a disaster in america too.

i would really appreciate some company, i don't necessarily want to discuss what happened but it'd be nice to have someone to talk to as i navigate this. i love you all my friends and followers and readers <3

#biancacore #vent post #tw sa #tw rape #tw marital rape #tw pregnancy loss #questioning #homophobia #tw trauma

[nopefer-art-tu]

OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST MISSED POSTING ABT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S ANNIVERSARY???? im gonna get mushy here so if yall wanna skip this go for it i wont hold it against you lol but this movie means a lot to me (if u cant tell) and id just kinda like to share a little bit abt why

I remember when I first saw Brokeback, I'd been either a junior or senior in high school, and I had watched it with my ex. I literally have no clue how we got to watching it or who proposed we watch it in the first place, but I remember that even back then I had been incredibly moved by the story.

Cut to 5-6 years later, and in January of this year I'd been in the midst of a really, super dark depression thanks to some health issues that I've been dealing w for awhile now. It made it so that on top of COVID, I wasn't rly getting out of the house for anything but school, and even then doing that took a really big toll on my anxiety. So basically, from the time that the 2021 winter semester had ended for me in early December, to when school started back up again for the spring in late January, I hadn't left the house at all.

In mid January, like a week before school started back up for me, I was scrolling through Hulu, bored out of my mind and also trying to find something to occupy my time and thoughts w bc I'd been going stir crazy, and I saw that Brokeback had been listed again. I kinda lingered on it because I remember phil (@/senditothemoonn) had watched it like a month or two before and she had started talking abt it in our group chat and posting quotes abt it and stuff, and it had been awhile since I'd seen it so I was like hey! What the hell! Lets give it a watch, its time I watch it again anyways.

And like. Something happened to the world for me after that viewing. It was like it had blown apart, and when it came back together it was completelty rearranged for me.

I'm not entirely sure why that time around the movie has such a deep, DEEP impact on me when I had seen it before, and had been very touched by it back then. I think its partly that a. I never used to watch movies with subtitles, and so before I realized that I probably have issues with the way my mind processes sound, a lot of movie dialogue just kinda. Didn't get internalized by me for some reason? Even now when I rewatch old faves that I haven't seen with subtitles, I'm always astounded by what the hell theyre saying because I had never rly picked up on it before, lol.

And like...I mean if you've seen the movie then you already know this, but their accents and dialect are kinda hard to get through. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Heath as Ennis. Which isn't in any way a jab at him, I think every part of his performance is super thoughtful and well-crafted and every acting choice he makes serves the character in only positive ways. But when you already have issues processing audio, and when you have a character who's jaw is perpetually cleched so tight that the words literally have to "fight" their way out of his mouth, its just like. Not the best combination lol.

And so this time around when I saw the movie, I saw it with subtitles and it opened up a new dimension of the film to me. Honest to God, the first time I watched the movie, I had no idea that the shirts at the end were so signifigant because Jack had stolen Ennis'. I guess the first time I saw it, I didn't catch the part where Ennis talks about having left his damn shirt up there, and Jack just kinda shrugs it off and changes the subject. When I saw that moment this time, it didn't really strike me as anything important until the movie got to the end and you realize that Jack had kept the shirts all those long 20 years and UGH. I literally remember screaming with tears in my eyes, thats what happened to the shirt! There they are! And then when I saw that Ennis had put his shirt over Jack's to hang together on his closet door for the rest of his life? Dead. Dead, I was literally stabbed in the heart 50 million times and killed dead. I'd never made those connections before and now that I had I like. got it, yanno? I got why this was an oscar winner, and why people were sk devastated by its best picture loss. Not that I hadn't before, but it just hit so much harder.

So yeah, the subtitles probably had a lot to do w why its stayed lingering in my mind for a long while, but I also think its because in a few ways it kind of spoke to me and made me think about my health issues and the self-imposed quarantine that I'd put myself through for the better part of a year at that point.

To me, the whole story is about regret, about not taking the chances we have while we have them and having to learn to live with knowledge of the things we didn't let ourselves do and the memories we didn't let ourselves make.

I hadn't seen a lot of my family for awhile at that point because I just didn't want to be out of my house, and its only been recently that I realized how much life I've missed out on living for a good year and a half-ish or so. And like yeah, I have a reason, my health issues and super aggressive anxiety have kinda put me through the ringer. But I dunno like. I kind of empathized and related to Ennis' character in a really odd way, because he also let his fear control what he did and especially what he did not do, and for that, he ended up living a half-life and missed his chance of getting to spend his time with the person he loved the most.

For me, the fear of regret is one of my biggest motivators in doing literally anything. I've realized I don't want to end up like Ennis, isolating myself from my loved ones and missing out on the chance for love and life because of some issues I have. And I mean its not like they're not real issues. Just like the fears that motivated Ennis' actions, theyre very real concerns. But since seeing the movie, I've been a lot more proactive about seeing doctors and trying to get this shit fixed up, because I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I wanna find my Jack, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna live.

Anyways. Happy 17th birthday to my favorite movie in the world <3

#brokeback mountain #still brokeback posting

[messybouquetoflilies]

If it wasn't by choice, then it wasn't due diligence. You're stuck in this physical mentality where all you think that matters is what you can see and touch. You've somehow convinced yourself to reject what's true, as if your body matters. As if what you "perceive" matters. You are not your body. You are not the flesh suit. You are not the avatar. You are the spirit within. The divine driver behind the wheel. You have lived many lifetimes - as male, as female, and now as someone who is "confused." Confused, mind you, by a ruling class of elites who have worked tirelessly to make this existence as confusing, draining, and spiritually numbing as possible. The physical plane is a temporary illusion. The more you feed into it, the longer you will be stuck here, the more lives you will need to live to raise your vibration and ascend from here into the beyond - where your true self is waiting for you. You -are- my bestie. I love you. I want what's best for you, and to see you thrive and make it out of here - to realize your true power and potential, to stop sinking into the illusion of ego and embrace the Truth of love and spirit. I know that you can. I know that you will - whether it's still in this life, or another further down the road. Maybe much further. The longer you feed into the physical, the longer it will take. You are not your body. You are not your thoughts. You HAVE a body. You HAVE thoughts. You are the light inside. The voice in your head, struggling to be heard over the constant distractions, negativity, and your buzzing ego. Let it go. Seek within yourself. Seek Truth. Give up the illusion. I love you ♡

okay this is honestly word for word the speech my grandpa gave me right before screamed at me, disowned me, and then promptly died mad. This is so fuckin funny to me. But i'll humor you for a second, weird person who's clearly thought a little too much about these things. Stranger with a heart of hate.

it's so weird to me that people who talk so much about the spiritual, worry so much about the physical. i've really never understood that. You'd think that you'd care much more about what the spirt, soul, magic goo in ur heart that makes ya think, whatever you believe it is, wants over said skin bag. internally, i've known i was a woman since i was 6, and no, that's not because i was groomed into it. i also learned to hate that fact by the age of 12, and finally learned the word transgender at the age of 14. i was raised incredibly religious, sheltered from the outside word & barely knew about queer people. the reason i learned to hate it was because as life progressed, and i was expect to fill these silly gender roles society has laid out for us, i realized i hated doing them. i would look at whatever the girls were doing with envy and say "wow i wish that were me, but i understand that it can't be bc i wasn't born that way". i turned it inward. assumed there was something horribly wrong with me & i would just have to keep pushing through. but i was wrong.

when i learned the word "transgender" i had a fucking revelation. my inner self was screaming with happiness as a puzzle piece for my heart finally clicked in. i couldn't tell you why at the time, but it made perfect sense. i finally felt like i could be whole, instead of the empty shell of a person i had been raised to be. But still i was conflicted, because everything i was raised to believe told me that i couldn't have that. that i couldn't feel complete in that way. so my worldview crumbled.

i wasn't taught to be this way or "groomed by elites" (weird that you'd bring the jewish question into this lmao okay). it was years of introspection . years of feeling lost & empty, not myself. and you know what? even though no one in my life affirmed me & i was simply met with abuse, pain, and unacceptance when i tried to be more myself, i still think the way i do. there was no shadowy figure whispering in my ear that it was okay to be trans. the way i learned about transness was through the most hated blaire white, who hates trans people. and yet even throughout all of that, i still came a queer, trans, pansexual socialist

okay but now let's talk about the spiritual a little more. trust me, i reached out. i spent years praying to any god i could think of. i studied different religions because the god i was raised into never responded! funny how that works. i left my mind & heart very open to a higher power, to tell me i was wrong, to give me a reason to not be me, and nothing. no bright lights, no signs, no tingling in my toes. i simply felt nothing but loneliness. i visited death's door multiple times in the years i was getting abused, and the white light ppl talk about was never there. i felt nothing but alone as i got closer to whatever spiritual plane people like you talk about. even after all that im still open to there being some kind of higher power. i don't think there is, but at this point i really don't care. all i know that if it's in the form of the Christian god, i would have nothing but contempt for that god. the way a child would hate a parent who neglected or abandoned them. that god is no god of mine, and i'd much rather be warm, sucking his brother's dick :)

#ask #anon #oh god i think i went a little too hard on this one #oh well! send tweet

[biaswreckingfics]

I love love love blurred lines so please bare with me bc i need to share my thoughts after reading pt8:

First of all, GREAT WORK AS ALWAYS BRITT!! I'M OBSESSED!! Also mc admitting she had uhm.. hot thoughts about sunwoo??? Multiple times?? And we know for sure sunwoo knows too bc those walls aint hiding a thing! I kinda wished we had more interaction between them but it also would feel out of place for mc since she's not really the confrontational type so her being in hiding def fits! AND SHE FINALLY REALIZED HER FEELIGS!! (no more “i think I am maybe growing a crush” heck yeah!!) Internally I screamed during the entire minjee thing and I am so so so glad sunwoo finally ended things with her - minjee (even tho I don't really like her) deserves someone who's into her just as much as she's into sunwoo, him “playing” with her when he knows it's not the right thing irked me a lot, plus her being in between to idiots who obv have feelings for each other and don't realize/act on it is so sad (they're all flawed characters, so props to you!!) and I hope mc gets her head in the game (yes, hsm reference very intended) and tells him she doesn't want him to move out!! Anyway, I've been wondering from the start what would happen if her og!roommate came back?? They only left for the rest of the school year, right? So the room won't be available for sunwoo forever either way?? All in all, I'm really excited how things turn out! Thank you for sharing your writing with us!! Lots of love and take care <33

I love it when yall share your thoughts, so I'm ready!! 😤😤

I've been trying to decide if it's hot or frustrating that Sunwoo knows what mc was doing behind closed doors and is tucking that little nugget away for (hopefully) a later date 🥴🥴

I can promise you that the lack of interaction between her and Sunwoo will definitely be made up for in the next part!! 😇😇

Also, you're right! We all deserve someone to love us, and as much as I don't like Minjee, she does deserve happiness 🙄🙄 lol. Now that Sunwoo is done messing around with her, hopefully she can move on and find someone else to give her affection to!!

Thank you for mentioning that they're all flawed characters bc I think that's what keeps a story evolving 🤧❤️. Plus, a fantastic hsm reference being thrown in there 👏👏 I love it lol.

I'm so happy you've enjoyed the journey so far!! I can't wait for you to read the rest!! ❤️❤️

#blurred lines love

[aewrie]

mental health Thoughts

just reading through that list and going :) [internal screaming]

last couple of years or so have been interesting bc there's been a bunch of things that i've looked at again, i guess it's the time and distance, and just reluctantly admitting that yeah maybe xyz affected me worse than i wanted to think

for a few years now i've been going "man, adhd peeps keep being just a little too relatable sometimes" and then i bump into a random video about how childhood trauma/resulting ptsd can easily get mistaken for adhd in adults and just. yeah let's file that away for later just like everything else

then last december happened and and it got significantly harder to argue that this and that wasn't "that bad". like perhaps things that are "not that bad" don't actually leave you feeling miserable for days and out of it for a month some 20 years after they happened bc someone mentioned a thing that hit a little too close to home

#yourebabblingjulle

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/14/24

12:02 a.m

Something I've noticed as a change for my constant auditory hallucinations is if I listen to chatter aka TV or podcasts or even sometimes when I'm in, "silence," is I hear it like, "screaming" it isn't louder. It's not really a scream.... in volume. It's more like an inaudible, "ahhhhh" like it wants to talk and can't verbalize. It has the same voice. I have been hearing it since the beginning of March.

I assume that is the voice "devocalizing." Like I said it's not loud... or louder. It's def not intelligent, creative or persuasive. It's not getting any quiter than a whispering echo though... it's the same volume but it's this weird, "ahhhhhhhhh" it's clearly trying to talk bc it's the same voice but it's unable to vocalize.

It's also like sometimes it can be really repetitive and I can focus on the screeching of the air conditioner the natural sound and I can turn the voice into the screeching making it sound like it's saying what it is saying but it sounds more nature and its easier to ignore, however I really have to try to do that. It takes focus and effort.

The voice is excessively repetitive and lacks intelligence. It's only intelligent when it repeats my internal monologue. Which it does like 50% of the time, it used to more. I have more quiet thoughts. I feel like that, "ahhh" is truly devocalization occurring. Maybe I'll recover one day but I'm not holding my breath.

I just wish i could meet someone be proven wrong that soulmates don't exist. And just love their children. Feel wanted, needed, be helpful. My hallucination would drastically lessen if I was not isolated and if I was surrounded by people. I've been trying to be social so I don't hallucinate as much, also I don't expect Kristen to lose her license. I don't expect to find a partner. I don't expect to recover. I expect to overdose tbh. It's coming. Especially if Kristen gets her life of luxury when I lost my ability to sit in silence and feel internal peace.

I'd say being a voice hearer was interfering with my ability to find someone but truly I don't even get through the swiping part... none of my personality is getting considered. I took trans off my profile, cause I'll never find someone with that at the top of my bio. Idk what I got to do to pass the swiping test.

I've given up on thinking Elise is my soulmate. What do I think?

She loves her husband, they are happy. I'm happy for them both especially her. I think she cares deeply about me and would be my friend but can't bc of professional constraints that will eventually not be a problem but for now they are. I expect I'll hear from her in 2 years minimum. Maybe 5 years maximum. I expect I may never hear from her.

I still love her, I still think she's my soulmate but not really cause soulmates don't exist. If soulmates existed she would be getting a divorce. If soulmates existed she would message me the only way she knows how. I expect if anything she's going to be my friend eventually and it'll be some insignificant nothing relationship. If I ever get married which won't happen cause no one would be stupid enough to do that, maybe she will be at my wedding smiling. I don't expect her to ever be my girl. I don't expect her to show up.

I do believe we had something special and i believe we may at some point in the future if I'm still here. I don't expect it to be romantic but I don't expect it to be fulfilling. My expectation is she will be like Katelyn or Tee. A BFF but it won't fill this hollowing aloneness anyways. I'll only have that filled by a partner.

I realized to not be delusional at all, I can't expect her to show up. I can't even think she has feelings for me. It's even delusional to believe she cares about me genuinely. I'm going to be delusional in that regard. I remember her eyes and idc what anyone says. I know she cares still. However I have accept the harsh reality that her caring about me does not mean she's ever going to know me personally. The harsh reality is, she's going to live her life where she is, and I'm going to live my life where I am and I'm going to hope and dream she shows up for me. As the months go by I'll cope with abandonment. It's something I'm used to.

I won't dislike her. I won't resent her. I'll root for her silently over here and hope she's happy. That's all I can do.

[albatris]

alcohol tw but yes hi. cute post?

back in nanowrimo I wrote a scene where nat gets fucking off his face drunk on vodka then tries to make yvonne a pizza even though he can barely stand or see straight and also tries to braid quinn's hair and sobs about it because quinn's hair is not really long enough to braid properly but he spends like an hour trying anyway bc quinn's hair is very soft and pretty and he thinks it'll look nice

and I cannot emphasise enough that nat remembers none of this. and sober nat has never once expressed any sort of interest in braiding quinn's hair lmao. drunk nat also spontaneously declares that he would like to kiss and/or bite quinn (not with full on vampire teeth lmao) which sober nat also would not do. drunk nat has zero filter n is full of love for quinn and friends

but also >:3 because despite the fact that quinn is adamantly still all "I don't have any tender gay feelings for nat stop fucking pestering me alex I'm not going to confess my love there is no love in this heart you hear me" I've decided that after this incident

(which quinn still talks about with an air of irritation like "ugh that was such an ordeal you're such a dramatic and needy drunk I am never letting you near my alcohol again I had to stay up most of the night looking after your dumb ass")

and also lmao bc sober nat is back to being regular oblivious kind-of-emotionally-cagey nat and quinn is just kind of there like

after this incident quinn stops cutting their hair n just lets it grow out a bit. like. I'm p sure prior to this it's been the same length for years

no one particularly pays it any mind, it's not brought up outside of occasional casual comments on quinn's appearance but like. aww

lying down with their head on his lap at every opportunity or twirling their hair round their finger super obviously intending to be tempting or whatever. n internally screaming like "c'mon just comb your fingers through my hair again you fucking bastard that felt so nice and you were so gentle and no one is ever that gentle with me. please ask to braid my hair again please please it's getting long enough now :((( tell me how soft and pretty I am or I'm going to explode" with their heart beating so fucking fast

but yeah I do think nat just kind of starts absentmindedly playing with their hair one day, not even really noticing he's doing it. just like. idk. unthinkingly brushing his fingers along the fuzz of their undercut. maybe stroking their hair gently with one hand while he scrolls through his phone with the other. n quinn almost dies on the spot

#this is. so cheesy i am so sorry #quinn is just like #no i will NOT ask for affection i am going to drape myself across your path and be as inconvenient as possible so u have no choice #but to pay attention to me and maybe gently touch me and possibly fall in love with me #drunk nat is just like mmm quinn is so soft and nice and my friend and i love them <33333 while sober nat is just like #quinn is an insufferable bastard and the day i admit to myself that i love and adore them so much and so tenderly is the day I fucking die #idiots to lovers #or whatever their relationship is #a rental car takes a left down rake street and disappears #alcohol tw

[cataclysmofthemasses]

*Sees your reply to that Anon asking for an Astroturtle smut fic. Me, who has some explicit headcanons for the pairing* Oh no, please don’t judge me.

Seriously though I enjoy reading your TMS stories. The Astroturtle ones are my favorite. I have to ask, out of curiosity, do you plan on writing more Astroturtle stories? No I don’t mean ones with smut. I assume that’s not your thing.

Also, I’ve noticed that Mallard has become one of your favorites. Does this imply any possible fanfics starring him?

Hi anon! Nice to see ya :D

Future Cata here: this post is long, sorry! I tend to get excited and ramble :')

Not judging, honestly, as long as you don't go "hEY WRITE SOME SEX AND MAKE IT STEAMY" or drop into my inbox with "WatchMojo Top 10 Astroturtle Smut Headcanons" lmao.

I'm... well, see, on one hand I'm soooorta trying to figure out how to branch out into explicit stuff? Because a good author should be able to cover just about all major themes and topics? But also I'm definitely not taking requests for it (ever, do not ask @/people who think they can get away with it), I'm probably never going to publish it because I uniformly suck at it, and definitely not before I turn 18. So we can generalize and say "not my thing", it's not really my cup of tea so :').

(What is my cup of tea? Screaming into a Keep Notes draft and stacking as much trauma as I can on all my favorite characters to try to work through massive internalized homophobia/transphobia... Yeah, I've realized I have a "type", at least recently. Please give me good fluff fic ideas so I can write happy things again...)

Anyways, on to your questions!

Fun fact! I started an Astroturtle long fic draft like, after Season 3. It's been rotting in my works, maybe 1/3-1/4 complete, for over a year now, and I can't see myself getting back to it. A friend and I had planned it out together; now that we've fallen out massively, it further buried my already low desire to work on the fic. I could post what I have, but it feels disingenuous to pass it off as completely my own, and I don't want to stir up shit again with my former friend. Besides, it's not my best work (at least imo).

As for future Astroturtle fics, I do want to get back into writing them! But I also have a couple of other fics I'm working on. Hold on, lemme grab them. Not all are TMS though... Most aren't actually :')

- DSMP rewrite fic (Lies the Rebels Told Us, being updated as I write chapters which is HELLA slow but I definitely wanna get back into it. It's on Ao3 under my alt aphotic-serendipity. Fair warning, it's Schlatt-centric - I know a lot of people are not okay with him even as a character, so...)

- Definitely-never-gonna-be-canon oneshot of two of my favorite characters in a sorta-fringe game that people don't really write about. (King's Raid. It's so much fun, I love it, if you play I'll love you and give you tips and obsess over it indeterminately.)

- Backstory fic for my favorite RP character rn. (Probably never leaving that RP group tho bc I wouldn't have an audience, but I adore Shiloh, even if he'd hate me irl.)

- TMS Season 5 "Danganronpa"-esque fic. (Danganronpa in quotes because it is definitely not Danganronpa enough to qualify - you'll be able to tell I have never played the games. Saw another TMSxDangan fic and got inspired because - oh! one of my first followers (on my main, @tmsincorrectquotes ) writes some super cool Danganronpa stuff! tagging @mewmewchann here so you can check her out bc I adore reading Hope's Chains!! - so yea I saw what she's been up to and I thought "hey lemme try that but make it TMS!" haha.)

- One or two vague ideas that might or might not gain traction.

- And I can answer that Mallard question, because guess what? I WROTE A MALLARD ONESHOT A FEW DAYS AGO! It's my first real writing in a while so I'm stupidly proud of myself, bear with me. I'm either going to publish it today or tomorrow, depending on when I force myself to do it and if anyone reads it haha. And I think I have another idea in the works :D

As for Astroturtle... Outside of the aborted fic, I really don't have ideas for them rn - at least, not any I'd see myself writing. I'm always open to good ideas though! I'll definitely think a little more about them in the future and see if I can't get something to snowball :)

I tend to write oneshots in literally one shot, mostly from 11 PM to 2 AM, which does not mesh well with waking up at 4 AM for school (in New Jersey but remote learning at a Swiss university). In addition, life's been kicking me in the ass recently and I have a lot of assignments to do - off the top of my head, I have at least three, if not four, 1000+ word essays and a speech to do for/by next week. That's not saying I'm never going to write again, mind you, but don't expect miracles :')

Also, endnote - I'm so happy people still read my stuff!!! Like, I've had people who tell me over a year later that "oh my god I adored Double Stake or Split and it's made me ship Piquet and look at these headcanons" and I ALWAYS die a little inside from sheer joy. Btw, for anyone who might be so inclined: You can ALWAYS write inspired works from my stuff or draw stuff from it or design things or even animate them if you're that much of a god! Just please tag me (and credit please) so I can see them and simp massively. I love you all, really.

Okay, I've rambled enough. Cata out! o7

#masked singer #the masked singer #astroturtle #astronautmask #turtlemask #mallardmask

[thatawkwardsorcierdefrance]

DEAR WITCHBLR, I AM AN IDIOT.

My name is Noah, and I'm a baby male witch from France. I started to practice extremely recently, like some weeks ago, but I've been reading and looking into witchcraft for years - I sort of wanted to know if it really suited me before getting started.

I'm still learning, but my path seems to be aiming towards hellenistic/eclectic witchcraft.

Anyway.

I started small, like really small things, and I did a stupid, idiotic, moronic mistake.

Even though I had read everywhere that before doing anything it was better to do some warding, I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WARD MYSELF AND MY FLAT/APPARTMENT.

So.

I'm an idiot.

And yesterday, around 2am right before I went to bed after finishing some chores I had lazily postponed, something terrifying happened.

My flat (sorry it's shorter) is on the 2nd floor, and to access it you need to pass through a big green door which is impossible to open from the outside without the key, walk through a small internal paved court, open a glass-door which super old and makes the most awful of noises in the world - like a dying seagull. Then, there's a first corridor, then some stairs, tadaah! Here are two flat doors, my brother's (who isn't here yet) and mine.

So.

It's 2am, I'm dying bc of the 35°C and let all of my windows opened, and it happens: the glass-door with the oh so recognizable sound opens, with no fucjinf apparent reason.

My neighbors are asleep, and I didn't hear the big green door being crashed so...

Wtf.

I sent a text to my neighbors, asking if it was them, but no reply, so they WERE asleep.

And as the moron I am, I decided to ignore it and to go to bed anyway, with the worst gut-feeling of my entire existence - my whole body was telling me to run, but I was like "I'd love to, but I have no where to go", and I still didn't think about warding - yes, award winning imbecile.

I can't sleep for a solid hour, and the wind seemed to scream at me to move the fuck away from there, but I wasn't sure, I thought that I was overthinking things, like always.

And then, a dog howls, like a pure wolfy howl to the moon, and I'm straight up on my feet, burning to get the hell out of here.

I was calling my neighbors, to know if it was their dog, who's an absolute sweetheart, who howled, and I got out of my room while the phone was ringing and then

Fucj

There was something right in front of my door.

I swear to whoever you want I was shitting my pants because my whole bloody being was screaming THERE'S SOMETHING THERE, RIGHT THERE, DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER

It didn't help that my neighbor had switched on the corridor's light, because fuck

There were feet

Moving fucjink feet in front of my door

My neighbor's girlfriend answered my phone and asked what was wrong I was like pls tell me it's your dog in front of my door and

She told me that Milka, her dog who's an absolute SWEET PIE, who never angrily bark or has never threatened any fucking stranger, who sleeps soundly at night and loves ear rubs more than anything, woke them up because he was GROWLING. Gorwling. Like. Motherfucker. Milka is a sweet potato but he's also a fucking huge muscled monster, so when he growls, it's horrible

Her boyfriend was checking the corridors and all when I called them, and even after he got up the stairs, the shadow didn't go away, and there's nothing there usually in case it wasn't already cleared

All night I heard weird noises from my brother's flat, like something loud falling - my brother's moving in tomorrow, so it's his home it's currently fucking EMPTY

Right now, I just some keychain noises, and there's fucking no goddam body there I shitting myself

I spent my entire day cleansing my flat, smoking it up entirely with incense I usually use for meditation and praying (sandalwood, chamomile, vanilla) but it's the only one I have currently (broke af), i lit up a white candle, drew pentacles with the incense stick in each room, cleaning my floor and windows with boiled vinegar, hot water and eucalyptus essential oil (smells terrible but if it works lmao I don't fuckkng care)

And now I present you these

Warding vials, with everything that could help me protect my home and that I already had

Seasalt

Tiger's Eyes

Bronze wax

I made four, one for each room of my flat

Let us hope folks

#beginner witch #green witch #kitchen witch #witchblr #witchcraft #witches #witchythings #witchlife #warding #sea salt #tigers eye #crystals #creepy #crafts #spiritualawakening #spirituality #spiritualgrowth #spirits #guts #vials #paganism #paganblr #male witch #baby witch #pls help #help

[elsaclack]

hi em how are you? i've been dying to get your opinion on the lover album, if you have the time/interest :)

hi i’m good!!! i’m real good my mom’s doctor gave us really good news yesterday so i’m cruising on good vibes rn and yeah i’m great!!!

literally i have been DYING to unload my thoughts on lover since 3 seconds after it came out omg????? i had a deeply intense discussion with my roommate last night about each song on the album and what it specifically means to us so like this is Peak Talking Opportunity For Me which as a messy hoe i honestly love

i’m putting it under the cut though bc i do not want to be Obnoxious

okay first and foremost, i forgot that you existed? DEEPLY iconic. my roommate doesn’t like this one as much as some of the others on the album but it’s def top 3 for me. like, everything about it is so perfect - the message the song sends is one of hope for people who are kind of hopelessly tangled up in drama at the moment (i.e. don’t worry, soon enough you’re going to wake up one day and forget that all of those people even exist (which is HELLA true)) but like!!! even the music she wrote with the song kind of supports the message!! my roommate’s biggest complaint with that song is that she feels like the music needs to Build and Go Places more than it does, but like........god the whole point of the song is that it’s written to a person taylor’s indifferent toward, shouldn’t the music seem a little indifferent too?? like yes there’s joy and it does build and it does move but if it DID get super dramatic it would actually contradict the message of the song so like??? it’s??? perfect??? and i have scream-singed it in my car a million times already thank u for asking

i’ll be honest, cruel summer doesn’t do as much for me as some of the other songs on the album,,,,,i mean i like it and i can DEF sing along to it and the line “i love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard” is such a mood. it’s the first song on the album that i was like oh she probably started writing that (or at least getting the idea to write it) the summer every angry mob in america was calling for her head bc like there’s definitely a sense of self-deprecation/preservation in some of the lyrics. idk it strikes me as a song about how terrifying vulnerability is especially in the face of such public and global hatred directed toward you

LOVER. lover. lllllllover oh my god i love lover which i was not prepared to do since that word seriously bums me out 100% of the time but it’s so sweet??? so sweet and honest and like. what i thought love was when i was a kid?? just finding that other person and being like “oh, you’re like....you’re IT” and like HA wouldn’t it be grand to be in love?? also the brIDGE??? THE BRIDGE!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL YOU PLEASE STAND!!! WITH EVERY GUITAR STRING SCAR ON MY HAND!!! I TAKE THIS MAGNETIC FORCE OF A MAN TO BE MY LOVERRRRRR!!!! MY HEART’S BEEN BORROWED AND YOUR’S HAS BEEN BLUE!!! ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL TO END UP WITH YOU!!! SWEAR TO BE OVER-DRAMATIC A N D T R U E TO MY LOVERRRRR!!!! and oh man i wanna be in love anyways moving on

the man honestly took me a few tries to like but i definitely have a healthy amount of respect for it now. like idk it felt a little out of place at first given that this whole album is supposed to be about love and that song is,,,,,,not (at first glance) but the more i listen to it the more i realize that it sort of is in a way? like she’s been painted as this serial dater since day one when in reality her dating history isn’t really that sordid?? just extremely public. and in listening to the lyrics it sort of dawned on me that her frustration with the way society treats women stems from that reputation (ha) that was forced on her and the way that reputation colored every other interaction she’s ever had with popular culture. like every microinteraction i’ve heard about involving her has been overwhelmingly positive but then you look at media as a whole and they make her out to be this entirely different person and part of u has to wonder if it would even be an issue if you took all the same behaviors, dating history, microinteractions etc. and applied them to an equally famous man. and the answer is no it would not be an issue

the archer made me cry the first time i heard it and it still kind of strikes me at my core a lot if i don’t distract myself with other things while it’s on? like sitting down and actually listening to the words is. tough bc i relate to it a lot and not in the fun scream-sing in the car way that i relate to i forgot that you existed. that song actually makes me really uncomfortable with who i am bc like god!!!!! i have been the archer!!!! i have been the prey!!!! i don’t understand why people have left me and i REALLY don’t understand why people stay!!!!! in all seriousness though it goes back to that struggling with vulnerability thing - by being vulnerable you’re opening up the scariest, rawest parts of yourself to other people and risking being rejected for those scary raw parts. it’s a song about struggling between building those walls up to protect yourself or risking getting hurt for the sake of love - and lucky for her she seems to have found someone who has seen the scary raw stuff in her life and has decided that he wants to stay

i think he knows is the song both me and my roommate bump in our cars whenever we go places together because it’s SO FUN i don’t even know what else to say other than i cry laughing every time my roommate tries to sing “lyrical smile indigo eyes hand on my thigh we can follow the sparks i’ll drive” bc it’s SUCH a tongue-twister for her it’s fhaldskfhadslfkj FUNNY

miss americana & the heartbreak prince is another one that i was kind of so-so about at first but the more i listen to it the more i love it?? it’s so Dramatique in the best way like it makes me feel like i’m watching a movie preview about a dystopian high school in slow motion and honestly i LOVE it

my roommate’s favorite song on the whole album is paper rings and i love it too honestly it’s another one we bump in the car bc it’s SUPER fun to sing with other people lmfao she described it as “the song you hear in a preview for a romcom set in new york city” and i was like YEAH THAT’S ACCURATE but what’s really funny is that?? that’s probably?? exactly?? what it is?? anyways

i’m kind of...meh...about cornelia street yikes i’ve read people talking about how good it is and i’m trying to like it but it’s just,,,,i mean it’s not bad not by any stretch of the imagination but personally i like other songs on the album more hfaldskfjs

death by a thousand cuts!!!!!! that’s my roommate’s other favorite song lmao!!! again the more i listen to it the more i like it but i def like others on the album more at this point

i had london boy stuck in my head all day yesterday it’s so funny god i know a lot of people who live in and around london have some issues with it which is FINE i won’t pretend like i know anything about it but i think it’s cute LMAO

i can’t listen to soon you’ll get better without legit ugly crying (like we’re talking full on sobbing) just because of everything going on with my own mom right now so maybe in a year or two when things have cleared a little for her i might be able to listen to it again but rn i’ve only listened to it all the way through once

honestly i don’t really like false god that much and i can’t really identify why it’s just,,,,fhasdlfk

you need to calm down is just a straight up bop that i sing in the shower a lot and i know it was controversial esp after the music video came out but like. on a base level the song is just fun

afterglow is one of my other top three on the album,,,,,,,,bc again,,,,,,,,,,relatable,,,,,,,like realizing that she’s safe with this person after kind of instinctively flying off the handle,,,,,,,god. idk i’ve heard a lot of apology songs in the past but this one kind of strikes me bc like,,,,idk she takes full responsibility for it rather than trying to justify it with the conditions that beat that kind of behavior into her over the last few years. she’s taking responsibility for her actions, she’s apologizing, she’s asking him to stay, and at the same time she’s pointing out that she’s human and will probably make similar mistakes in the future and idk that’s just reassuring? bc i’m also human and i also make really big dumb mistakes that hurt other people in the name of self-preservation and i can only hope that someday i’ll meet someone who will stick around anyways

me! is a bop as well it’s massively overplayed at this point and i kind of skip it when i’m listening by myself but my roommate and i scream-sing that one too LMFAO

it’s nice to have a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this really is what i thought love would be when i was in like 3rd grade and just becoming aware of it as a concept!!!!!!!! there was a little boy who lived next door and we were best friends growing up and there was never any romantic aspect to our friendship (that i am aware of) but we used to play outside together all the time and it was sweet and simple and secure and that’s the way that song makes me feel!!! also i read that every single instrument/vocal performance on that song (outside of taylor herself) was done by a children’s music group which just adds to the childlike sweetness of the song and gah it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

daylight,,,,,,,,,,,,,that’s my number 1 y’all i freaking LOVE daylight holy HELL i can’t wait to make my other roommate play/sing it with me at our house show next month??? god it’s just. it’s so indicative of where she’s been, the hell she’s been through both internally- and externally-imposed, and how it makes this moment she now gets to have with the person she loves that much sweeter?? i don’t know i feel like my heart is going to explode every time i hear it and i’m not even remotely close to being in love so i can’t imagine how much deeper it’ll hit if/when i ever do fall in love again and

god i just

i really like lover as an album a WHOLE lot 

#em answers #lover #taylor swift

[cancerbiophd]

My class is doing a mini research conference and my professor said that we would be graded on the questions we asked the presenter and how well they were answered. I'm worried because I've always been really bad at thinking critically and figuring out questions to ask, I was wondering if you had any advice or tips?

Hey there!

This is such a coincidence bc i just came back from my weekly program seminar and we’re graded on asking at least 3 questions to the presenters every semester. And it’s tough to think of something critical esp if one doesn’t know too much about the subject and if there are a bunch of other experts in the room aka professors, other grad students, etc. It’s intimidating and even though this is my 4th year doing this my heart still wants to gallop screaming out of my chest when i raise my hand. 

But i think i’ve picked up a few things that have worked for me, so lets see if they sound doable for you :)

Take notes. I always jot down major points during the talk, and sometimes as I’m doing so, questions pop up. Sometimes they get answered by the presenter on their next slide, but sometimes they go untouched, and I’ll ask those. Taking notes also gives you something to refer back to if you’re afraid you’ll ask something that was already stated, or if you forget what an acronym is. 

Relate everything back to what you know, and think about how it would work in that setting. That helps put things in context of something you understand, so may help your thought process. This is also how lots of professors and researchers think during seminars–not only are they learning new things and getting updates in their field (or outside their field), but they’re searching for new ways to tackle their own research problem. 

If part of the anxiety revolves around asking a question in front of lots of people, write down your question word for word. I did this in the beginning so I wouldn’t trip over my words and get even more flustered. I’ve even seen professors do this at large international conferences and they just read directly off their notepad. 

Be curious. I’m pretty sure your prof isn’t making you all do this bc they’re being mean; they want to give you the chance to practice thinking curiously. Relax your mind and let it wonder. Remember: the speaker (and the audience) knows that the presenter is the #1 expert on that subject in the room right now, and is the only person who is expected to know everything about it. So if you have a “So I’m just wondering…” question, go for it. Sometimes those turn out to be the most provocative, especially coming from a student, because we oldies who have spent years with our head in the same box sometimes forget to think about things with a fresh mindset. Some of the best, most tantalizing questions I’ve ever gotten were from undergrads and high school students. 

And be selfish with your curiosity. Don’t know something? Ask it! Who cares what everyone else in the audience thinks. This is your chance to pick the mind of an expert, so take advantage of it. Unless it’s regarding a fact explicitly stated by the presenter, there is no such thing as a stupid question. And think about the whole process as more of having a conversation with the presenter. Imagine if it was just you two at a cafe. 

And it does get easier with time as you learn more about your field and become more comfortable asking questions in a public setting. My 1st semester i reallllly had to work my noggin at coming up with a question; now, as long as I’m taking notes and actively thinking, I can pretty much come up with a question per slide. All it took was almost 4 years of practice :P

Here are some sample general questions that you may ask if the opportunity arises: (it’s biology heavy bc that’s what I’m familiar with):

“How do you hope your findings be implemented in the clinic/workplace/environment/etc etc?” Basically, what’s the real-world-application or significance of their project? This is especially good when the presentation is about something really “niche” and focused. 

Related, if the data presented are in vitro, ask about if there are any plans to move in vivo. If the data are in vivo, ask about if any clinical trials are in the future. Think about what their next step should be, and then ask if they’ve started, and/or what they predict will happen. 

“Why did you choose to use this model/cell line/protocol/etc over other alternative models/cell lines/protocols/etc?” In order to run a well controlled experiment, the model we use has lots of limitations. So everyone should have a justification for why they chose one particular model over another. 

Related, if the model they chose is missing a component (eg. an immunocompromised mouse model), ask them what they think that missing component’s role could be (eg. the immune system in said mouse model). Identify a missing puzzle piece, and ask if what would happen if it was added back. 

“Have you looked at whether your protein of interest/etc is involved in other signaling pathways?” (or vice versa). This is particularly applicable to biology where redundancy is the name of the game. The researcher may have only looked at one pathway or maybe only presented on one, but in reality there are always cross-talk and unexpected results. 

Particularly during seminars related to the abnormal (eg. diseases, environmental extremes, etc), think about the “normal”. For example, if a researcher is presenting a pathway that’s involved in cancer, you can ask them what role that pathway usually plays in normal physiology. 

And, how one abnormal relates to another abnormal. For example, “does osteoporosis increase the risk of bone metastases?”. Particularly relevant in biology and human disease bc patients will oftentimes have multiple illnesses. 

Always be on the look-out for correlation studies, and questioning whether there’s any causation. 

Related, given one result, think about what other factors may play into it. Kind of like a lawyer or detective solving a crime. Was it really Suspect A with Weapon A? How about Suspect B with Weapon X? Did the researcher really control for every possible variable (the answer is usually no bc it’s darn impossible to), and if not, what do they predict the role of that variable to be on their studies? 

Anyway, those definitely aren’t alll the questions you could possibly think of (especially if you’re in a field unrelated to biology), but they could give you a launching point of things to think about during the talk. 

I hope some of those pointers will work for you! Good luck, have fun, and remember: indulge your curiosity! 

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