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sinner-as-saint · 3 years

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‘Till We Bleed Out - 2.

Vampire!bucky x reader AU

Part 2 of this series.

Run-through: Your car breaks down on a deserted road on a rainy night. You have no other option but to seek shelter from the nearest house you could find; the mansion, which happened to be the talk of the town for its mysteriousness along with its equally mysterious owner, Mr. Barnes. The universe can be tricky sometimes but the fact that you found yourself at that mansion’s doorstep at that time was no simple coincidence. That one night changes everything forever - quite literally. True love, past lives and creatures from folklore; turns out it’s all real.

Themes throughout the series: vampire!bucky, fluff, smut, angst

You woke up realizing that you had surprisingly fallen soundly asleep last night, after the strange dream about the handsome man; who was kind enough to let you take shelter from the storm in his home.

Speaking of the storm, you got out of bed and walked over to the window, pulling the curtain aside. You noticed that the weather was even worse than last night. Heavy rain, and nonstop thunder. Although, it seemed like a very cozy day to just stay inside. You sigh with a soft smile on, perhaps you’d get to know more about Bucky today.

You turned back around and noticed something you hadn’t last night. Roses on the nightstand, as red as blood and just as hauntingly beautiful. Your smile grew; there was something enchanting about red roses. A bunch of it looked like the embodiment of poetry and there was no other way you could explain it.

You approached the flowers and inhaled their fresh scent. Oh how you loved them! How come you didn’t notice they were on the nightstand? Anyways, you walked into the bathroom and brushed, showered and were about to change into another pair of sweatpants when you noticed more clothes in the closets. A sundress caught your eye and you decided to wear it. It fit you perfectly. You twirled in front of the mirror, checking yourself out when Wanda walked into the room.

“I see you’re up, Miss.” she smiled at you. And you noticed she had the same look in her eyes, like Bucky did. That of sadness, or helplessness. But you tried ignoring it.

“Good morning.” You gave her your best smile and noticed how she took in your appearance.

“You look lovely. Anyways, I came to let you know that breakfast is ready. Mr. Barnes is waiting for you downstairs in the dining room. Come down whenever you’re ready.”

Wanda left and the brief mention of Bucky brought back the memories of last night’s dream. It was definitely weird that you had such an explicit dream about him, but the weirdest thing was that you were not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it.

You took a deep breath and stepped out of the room. You made your way downstairs, leisurely. Taking in more of the décor and the paintings on the wall. These must have cost a fortune, you thought.

You found Bucky in the dining room, sitting at one of the ends of the large table. You had to admit, even the furniture in this house seemed pricey. Bucky set the newspaper down upon seeing you. He let his eyes roam your frame quickly and his smile broadened. “You look lovely,” he commented.

You smiled, just a little shy and whispered a ‘thank you’. As you took a seat on his left, he spoke again. “The storm intensified. Looks like you’re not going home today.” he said with a genuine smile. You began to oppose naturally but he insisted. “You’ll be safe here.”

You agreed. You picked a few food items from the large trays and took a few bites while Bucky got back to his newspaper. The silence was comfortable, the two of you seemed perfectly alright with sharing the space without feeling the need to fill the void with any conversation. It felt like this was part of your routine almost.

You sipped on coffee and discreetly lifted your eyes to look at Bucky. He munched on a piece of fruit while focusing on some article in the papers. His body language made him look like an older man; eating while reading his newspaper. But his face didn’t look a day over 35. The contrast made you giggle and that caught his attention.

He turned to face you with a raised eyebrow. “Something funny, miss?” he sounded like he was teasing you, politely.

You shook your head and set your cup down, and upon doing so you noticed the red roses in a vase in front of you, again. The sudden urge to ask a question took over you, “Your wife, did she like red roses?”

“They were her favorite.” He seemed unfazed by your sudden curiosity.

“What was she like?” you asked again and the smitten smile on his face gave away how much he loved her. Love like this was rare, and you felt just a little envious of the late woman. She was so lucky, you hoped she knew.

“Like the answer to all my prayers. Beautiful. Every little thing about her was so, so beautiful. She was kind, smart and funny, and fierce. She made me a better man. She was delightful.” You noticed he looked you right in the eyes as he spoke. His answer gave away that he worshipped that woman.

“I hope she knew how much you love her.”

He gave you that soft smile again. “I made sure to remind her every single day.”

You never knew rainy days could be so lovely. After breakfast Bucky offered to show you his library because of course he owned one. And you had the time of your life just walking around and running your fingers over some of your favorite books.

You noticed red roses on the coffee table as well, by the couches in his study room/library. While reaching for a copy of Pride and Prejudice, your hand brushed with his and your whole body felt like it was electrified. You pulled away sheepishly, but he held it up to you and you took it with a smile, admiring the front cover.

“Your favorite?” he asked.

You nodded, excitedly. He let out a little laugh. “You can have this one. I have plenty of other copies.”

You smiled so big your cheeks hurt. “Thank you, Buck.” you were so excited that you walked past him, hungry to explore the other side of his library - without realizing what you just called him.

Meanwhile Bucky was both surprised and elated. Buck… no one called him that except for-

“What’s in there?” he heard your voice and turned around immediately. You were pointing at the partially hidden door at the end of the room. “That’s where you hide all your secrets?” you teased, using the same tone he did this morning.

He laughed and nodded. “Yes, you caught me.”

You two shared a laugh and then he insisted that you should see the piano room. You agreed and just as everything else in the house, the grand room was equally as breathtaking. White couches, brown pillows, plants, full of light even with the stormy weather and a large balcony adjoined to it. Perfect.

“It’s beautiful,” you said as you admired the room. You could hear the heavy rain hitting the window panes, it was comforting. You noticed the well-maintained piano right by the door which led to the balcony, “Do you play?” you asked and he gave you a dramatic look which gave away that you had just bruised his ego.

“Miss Y/N, how dare you question my skills?” He answered with a smile on, then proceeded to play the most melodic tune you had ever heard. You weren’t much of a musical person, but you knew a melancholic tune when you heard one. It was, as most things in this house, hauntingly beautiful. Even the music carried a sense of nostalgia, and homesickness.

You closed your eyes for a moment, getting lost in the music which filled the room effortlessly. Familiar, very familiar. Then it hit you - this was the same song being played at that ball in your dream. You opened your eyes immediately, baffled at the weird coincidences taking place lately.

You found yourself gravitating towards the bench, and eventually you sat beside Bucky. He looked at you for a brief moment, then resumed playing somewhat of a softer tune. You smiled at him and suddenly it all felt like a déjà-vu. Like you’ve lived this exact moment a hundred times before. Sitting next to him, your elbows brushing, him looking at you lovingly, yet with sad eyes. His cologne, the slight gray in his eyes, the weather - it felt like a forgotten dream was coming back to you.

You had to find something to say otherwise you felt like you were about to lose your mind. “You said you worked all day everyday. So is today your day off?” you tried to lighten the mood.

He let out a little laugh. “Like I said, I rarely get visitors. I’m just making the most out of your company.”

He was drop dead gorgeous, and he could make your heart race with just a few simple words. A dangerous combination really.

He kept playing as you walked around the room, taking in every little detail. This was the only room in the house which had white roses in the vase, instead of dark red ones. Well, the white ones matched the interior better here. Your gaze fell upon something interesting next.

“Vinyl records?” that seemed to catch his undivided attention as he stopped playing and turned to you.

“Oh yes. It was one of my… old hobbies.” He answered.

You giggled. “You say old hobbies like you are over a hundred years old.”

He chuckled and got up from the bench. He walked over to where the records were kept, picked one out and carefully placed it down on the record player. A soothing tune filled the room again. Much lighter and happier than the piano earlier. A stark contrast to the gloomy weather but it still, somehow, fit perfectly.

Bucky extended his arm out in front of you, out of nowhere. “Dance with me.”

You didn’t hesitate for a single and took his hand immediately. Bucky held you close; his hand at your waist pressing your body to his gently. His other hand held yours delicately. Your arm placed over his shoulder as you stared into his deep, piercing eyes. And just like that, you two swayed slowly to the sweet, slow music. Effortlessly, gracefully and without any awkwardness or hesitation. Almost like you’ve danced a thousand times before.

You giggled as he twirled you around and pulled you closer almost immediately. And when you looked back up into his eyes, it felt like a déjà-vu again. Only this time, you knew where you had experienced something similar to this - in your dream last night. The ballroom, the gown, the way you danced. Just like this.

Your body tensed up and you weren’t blinking, Bucky caught the change in your behavior. “Don’t think about it.” he murmured.

“About what?” you used a much softer tone as well. You and him were so close you could whisper and you were sure he would hear you perfectly.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking about.” He spoke as he swayed you gently. “You’re here, with me. I don’t want you to think about anything else.” It sounded more like a plea than a request. There was something else he was trying to say; inexplicable, hidden in between the lines. Somehow you caught it.

You nodded. “I’m here.” You spoke without paying much attention to what you were saying or doing. “With you.” All that mattered in the world right now was that you were in his embrace. His ocean blue eyes were the only thing you could make sense of.

You felt it then. The warmth, despite his cold hands. The sparks flying around, despite the dark and gloomy weather outside. He started leaning in and you met him halfway.

His hand moved up to gently cup your face. His lips brushed against yours briefly as he paused and waited to see if you would pull away. Seeing you didn’t, he pressed his lips to yours. You shivered at how delicately he caressed your cheek with his thumb. Kissing him felt natural. Like a habit. His lips were soft and familiar. He tightened his grip around your waist, pulling you closer.

Your hands instinctively slid into his hair, he moaned under his breath as you tugged on it gently. Bucky tilted his head to the side and deepened the kiss, nibbling on your lips and gently stroking your lower lip with his tongue. You felt giddy and warm. And safe.

He pulled away just a second before Wanda stepped into the room. “Dinner’s ready.”

Bucky told her you two would be downstairs in a minute and you caught that look on her face. A look of pure joy and satisfaction. You didn’t understand why.

When Wanda left, you faced Bucky again, now just a little nervous. “I.. I didn’t-,”

He silenced you by gently holding your chin in between his fingers. “Shh sweetheart.” His gaze spoke volumes; he was perfectly alright with this kiss. “We should go downstairs.”

Dinner was perfect. Lovely conversation, lovely wine, the same stormy weather outside but inside Bucky’s home; all was well. He told you that you were more than welcome to use his library if you wished to do some light reading before bed. You agreed.

You grabbed a book and curled up on one of the couches and he did the same, sitting right across you. You found yourself re-reading the same sentence over and over again because you couldn’t focus. Not when you could physically feel his eyes on you. You even caught him staring a few times and giggled whenever he seemed flustered after being caught.

There was ease between you two. And the next two hours went by comfortably.

“It’s late, I should go to bed.” You spoke as you stood up. He did as well, and when you looked into his eyes you began wishing that this storm outside lasts forever.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” He whispered, leaning in and kissing you at the side of your mouth.

“Goodnight.”

You tossed and turned in bed. Somehow, falling asleep was a little harder today because you couldn’t help but think about how it felt when Bucky kissed you earlier. The sound of the harsh storm echoed inside the house, but it was still comforting.

The loud roar of the thunder was the last thing you heard before drifting off to sleep; dreaming again, this time of red roses, blue eyes, balconies and paintings…

Arms wrapped around you from behind, embracing you in a tight hug. “Do you like it, my love?” the silky smooth voice asked. You looked down and you smiled at the sight of the wedding band on his finger.

“I love it.” You looked up at the frame hung on the wall. It was a painting of you and your husband, delivered to you that morning itself. “We’ll keep it here forever.”

You heard a soft chuckle, then felt a pair of lips kissing your neck softly. “Even longer.”

You turned around and came face to face with Bucky, with slightly longer hair, tied in a low, neat ponytail. Behind him was a very familiar door. You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. “We should get going, else we’ll be late.”

The surroundings faded, and you were now inside a dimly lit ballroom. The grand chandelier was mesmerizing, but not more than your husband’s eyes. He was gorgeous, your man; even with half his face covered by the masquerade mask he was still perfectly able to take your breath away.

He smirked, as though able to read your thoughts. He leaned in, and the rest of your surroundings was suddenly a blur. “Do you wish for us to go somewhere more private, sweetheart?” He whispered in your ear.

You bit your lip and nodded, only then realizing that you were wearing a mask as well. Bucky smiled, tugging on your hand and dragging you along to wherever it is he was taking you.

The room around you morphed again and you found yourself running up a staircase with Bucky, giggling and holding onto each other for dear life until you finally made it to the top. You found yourself on a balcony.

“Where are we?” you asked.

Bucky stepped closer, pushing you gently against the balustrade. “Home.” He leaned in and kissed you. His mouth moved against yours gently, passionately. His hands were on either side of your waist as he pressed you further into him. Your hands instinctively went to his neck as you gently pulled him closer.

As you closed your eyes and cherished his touch, an image of the painting from earlier flashed in front of your eyes. But you forgot it just as quickly as it came because Bucky’s touch took over all your senses. His hand slipped under your dress, and went right to your wet core.

You giggled into the kiss as his knuckles brushed faintly against your core and you moaned at his touch. He cupped you in between the legs and the palm of his hand pressed against your throbbing clit. His mere touch was driving you insane. His lips left yours and he kissed his way to your neck; sharp teeth nipping at your skin. At the feel of it, your own canines sharpened out of nowhere.

Surprisingly, it didn’t feel like it was the first time that it happened. You seemed comfortable with the sudden change.

Bucky kissed all the spots which made you weak in the knees; he knew your body by heart it seemed. While he kissed your skin, his fingers moved slightly against your dripping core. You moaned, tugging on his hair just a little.

“Be quiet for me, sweetheart.” he mumbled against your skin as he slipped two fingers past your folds. He curled his fingers inside you immediately, and stroked your walls gently. You moved your hips against his hand as you chased your orgasm. His thumb rubbed your swollen clit furiously as you bit your lip to keep you from moaning.

“Buck…” you were breathless, each nerve ending on fire as pleasure washed over you.

“Shh sweetheart,” he quickened his actions and slipped his fingers in and out of you incessantly until he felt your walls clench around him. “Cum for me,” he whispered. You moaned, biting your lower lip as you came all over his hand.

Once you recovered, he pulled your dress up, making it bunch around your waist as he stepped in between your legs again; kissing you like his life depended on it. He undid his pants and hoisted you up his own body. You wrapped your legs around his waist quickly for better balance and he leaned the two of you against the balustrade once again.

You felt his hard cock pressing against your skin as he kissed you hungrily. His hand dipped in between the two of you and he guided the tip of his erected cock over to your dripping entrance. The brief friction caused you to moan into his mouth.

“Be quiet for me, yes?” he spoke against your lips, almost as breathless as you were. You nodded frantically. And with that, he pushed himself inside you quickly. You felt all of him once he was completely buried in you. His cock twitched inside you and you bit your lip to prevent a moan from escaping your lips.

He held your hips, and your hands gripped his shoulders desperately as you tried to keep your voice down. You pushed your face into the crook of his neck, nibbling on his skin with your sharp fangs as he rocked in and out of you. You moaned quietly against his skin as his throbbing cock sped up into you. He pounded into you relentlessly, earning more and more moans and gasps out of you.

He growled when he felt you clench around him. “Bucky…” you moaned and he immediately placed his lips on yours to stop you from making more noise. He loved how you lost control under his touch. He loved the sound of his name leaving your lips.

“Shh, sweetheart. Quiet,” he mumbled against your lips as he felt your walls milking him perfectly. “We can’t get caught fucking in our own balcony while we were supposed to be hosting a party downstairs.” He ended with a chuckle.

You whined. “Well if you weren’t so insatiable,” you teased. He scoffed, holding you at the curve of your ass, hands under your dress as he occasionally squeezed your butt cheeks, making you giggle and moan at the same time.

“Says the one who lures me in like a seductress every moment of every day,” he sassed back. He slammed into you relentlessly while you tried your hardest to not to scream out loud. You felt a pressure building between your hips, and it seemed like he felt it as well because he dipped his head into the crook of your neck and swore under his breath as he sped up again.

Your thoughts became cloudy, and all that you could focus on in that moment was the force of his thrust. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you found yourself unable to form proper thoughts. Your clit rubbed against his pelvic bone each time he filled you up.

Your body moved along with his like a rag doll as you could no longer keep up with his thrust. Soon, you felt the warmth taking over. And a familiar tingle went down your spine as your walls clenched around him. You gushed out all over his cock with a loud moan…

You woke up gasping, shocked that you had dreamt such explicit dreams two nights in a row now. You looked around and realized that it was still night time. You could still replay the dream in your head like a vivid memory. You closed your eyes and took deep breaths.

The painting.

The painting seemed so real, so detailed. You wondered if-

Wait, that door you dreamt of. You’ve seen it before, haven’t you? Large, dark wood with beautifully detailed carvings on it, golden doorknob…

You gasped again. It was the door in the library. Your heart raced. Could it be… ?

You didn’t think twice before getting out of bed, grabbing the robe Wanda had left you earlier you stepped out of the room. Your breaths got shallower and shallower as you reached the library.

It could very well be just a weird dream, right? You jumped at the sound of the thunder, and realized that you were already inside the library. You stared at the door. This was the exact one you dreamt of.

Fuck it. You walked towards it, blocking out any thoughts which told you to turn back around and get back in bed. You twisted the doorknob and it was unlocked. You pushed the door open, stepping inside you found a secret room. About the same size of the library, or maybe slightly more spacious.

It looked like a more modern and luxurious version of a drawing room. With the usual, couches, carpets and… and paintings. For a moment you almost didn’t want to find it. You didn’t want to find that painting of you and Bucky; which you had just dreamt of because if or when you do, what then?

You looked around, the light from the two chandeliers illuminating the room just right. There were regular paintings one would find in an expensive mansion like this one; views of countryside, mountains, rivers. There were some paintings of people you couldn’t recognize but you knew, deep inside, that they seemed familiar.

You almost let out a sigh of relief when you didn’t find the painting from your dream.

Almost.

But then you saw it. The largest frame in the room. Right above the golden fireplace, mounted on the wall perfectly straight and right in the center of the room.

It was the painting you dreamt of. The one of you and Bucky.

“What the hell?” you whispered as you approached the fireplace, craning your head up to look at the oddly familiar painting.

You two seemed so happy. You were in a rose gold gown, and Bucky was well-dressed in navy blue. A lovely moment in time, captured in a beautiful painting. You weren’t quite sure what to think as you looked at yourself in the painting.

Your eyes instinctively trailed down to the bottom on the frame. And in cursive black painted were written the words which gave you goosebumps: ‘Mr. & Mrs. Barnes. 1872.’

“What the hell?” you repeated.

This time you heard a voice speak up, from behind you. “You should be in bed, sweetheart.” He said softly.

You turned around and found Bucky leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed and a look on his face which you couldn’t quite decipher. You turned to look back at the painting, and then back at him again. He hadn’t aged since 1872 it seemed.

Your heart raced again.

It couldn’t be… could it?

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #vampire!bucky #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x reader #marvel #bucky barnes x you

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lesbeet · 4 years

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not to be a nerd but i accidentally just wrote a whole impromptu essay about editing ndjsdksksk im throwing it under a cut bc it's fucking inane and really long but honestly... i just want other people to become as passionate about editing as i am lmaooooo

i also recommend 2 books in the post so if anything at least check those out!

quality books about editing... *chef's kiss* a lot of the basic ones (including blog posts online n such) are geared towards beginners and end up repeating the same info/advice, much of it either oversimplified or misrepresented tbh. but i read one yesterday and i'm reading another one right now that really convey this passion for editing + consideration for it as its own sort of art and i just!!

it's such a weird thing to be passionate about lmao but i AM and i've spent a lot of time the past year or so consciously honing my craft (ik i mention this like 4 times a week i'm just really proud of how much i've learned and improved) and kind of like. solidifying my instincts into conscious choices i guess?

and these GOOD editing books have both a) taught me new information and/or presented familiar information through a new perspective that helped me understand something differently or in more depth, and b) validated or even just put into words certain preferences or techniques that i've developed on my own, that i don't normally see on those more basic lists i mentioned

btw the book i finished yesterday is self-editing for fiction writers: how to edit yourself into print by renni brown and dave king, and the one i'm reading currently is the artful edit: on the practice of editing yourself by susan bell.

the former was pretty sharp and straightforward. the authors demonstrated some of their points directly in the text, which was usually funny enough that i would show certain quotes to my sister without context

("Just think about how much power a single obscenity can have if it’s the only one in the whole fucking book." <- (it was)

"Frequent italics have come to signal weak writing. So you should never resort to them unless they are the only practical choice, as with the kind of self-conscious internal dialogue shown above or an occasional emphasis."

or, my favorite: "There are a few stylistic devices that are so “tacky” they should be used very sparingly, if at all. First on the list is emphasis quotes, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. The only time you need to use them is to show you are referring to the word itself, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. Read it again; it all makes sense.")

and like i said, i also learned some new ideas or techniques (or they articulated vague ideas i already had but struggled to put into practice), AND they mentioned some suggestions that ive literally never seen anyone else bring up (not to say no one has! just that ive never seen it, and ive seen a lot in terms of writing tips, advice, best practices, etc) that ive already sort of established in my own writing

for example they went into pretty fine detail about dialogue mechanics, more than i usually see, and in talking about the pacing and proportion of "beats" and dialogue in a given scene, they explicitly suggested that, if a character speaks more than a sentence or two and you plan on giving them some sort of dialogue tag or an action to perform as a beat, the tag or action should be placed at one of the earliest (if not the first) natural pauses in the dialogue, so as not to distance the character too far from the dialogue -- bc otherwise the reader ends up getting all of the dialogue information first, and then has to go back and retroactively insert the character, or what they're doing, or the way they look/sound while they're giving their little speech

and like this was something ive figured out on my own, mostly bc it jarred me out of something i was reading enough times (probably in fic tbh) that i started noticing it, and realized that it's something i do naturally, kind of to anchor the character to the dialogue mechanic to make sure it makes sense with the actual dialogue

so like. ok here's an example i just randomly pulled from the song of achilles (it was available on scribd so i just looked for a spot that worked to illustrate my point djsmsks)

the actual quote is written effectively, but here's a less effective version first:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him. He’s done nothing to me," Achilles answered coolly.

see and even with such a short snippet it's so much smoother and more vivid just by moving the dialogue tag, not adding or cutting a word:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him.” Achilles answered coolly. “He’s done nothing to me.”

the rhythm of it is better, and the beat that the dialogue tag creates functions as a natural dramatic pause before achilles delivers an incredibly poignant line, both within the immediate context of the scene and because we as the readers can recognize it as foreshadowing. plus, it flows smoothly because that beat was inserted where the dialogue already contained a natural pause, just bc that's how people speak. if you read both versions aloud, they both make sense, but the second version (the original used in the novel) accounts for the rhythm of dialogue, the way people tend to process information as they read, AND the greater context of the story, and as a result packs significantly more purpose, information, and effect into the same exact set of words

and THAT, folks, is the kind of editing minutia i can literally sit and hyperfocus on for hours without noticing. anyway it's a good book lmao

the one i'm reading now is a lot more about the cognitive process/es of editing, so there's less concrete and specific advice (so far, anyway) and more discussion about different mental approaches to editing, as well as tips and tools for making a firm distinction between your writer brain and your editor brain, which is something i struggle with

but there have been so many good quotes that ive highlighted! a lot of just like. reminders and things to think about, and also just lovely articulations of things id thought of or come to understand in much more vague ways.

scribd won't let me copy/paste this one bc it's a document copy and not an actual ebook, but this passage is talking about how the simple act of showing a piece of writing to someone else for the very first time can spark a sudden shift in perspective on the work, bc you'll (or at least i) frantically try to re-read it through their eyes and end up noticing a bunch of new errors -

or she talked about the perils of constant re-reading in the middle of writing a draft, which is something i struggle with a LOT, both bc i'm a perfectionist and bc i prefer editing to writing so i sit and edit when i'm procrastinating doing the actual hard work of writing lmao

it's just this side of fake deep tbh but i so rarely see editing discussed like this--as a mixture of art and science, a collaboration between instinct and technique, that really requires "both sides of the brain" to be done well.

and because of the way my own brain works, activities that require such a balanced concentration of creativity and logic really appeal to me. even though ive seen a lot of people (even professional writers) who frame it as the creative art of writing vs the logical discipline of editing. but i think that's such a misleading way of thinking about it, because writing and editing both require creativity and logic -- just different kinds! (not to mention that the line between writing and editing, while mostly clear, can get a little blurry from up close)

but like...all stories have an inner logic to them, even if the writer hasn't explicitly or consciously planned it, and even if the logic is faulty in places in the first couple of drafts. when you're sitting and daydreaming about your story, especially if you're trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between two points or scenes (or, how to write a sequence of events that presents as a logical, inevitable progression of cause and effect), the voice in your head that evaluates an idea and decides to 1) go with it, 2) scrap it, 3) tweak it until it works, or 4) hold onto it in case you want it later? that's your logic! if an idea feels wrong, or like it just doesn't work, it's probably because some part of you is detecting a conflict between some part of the idea and the overall logic of your story. every decision you make as you write is formed by and checked against your own experiential logic, and also by the internal logic of your story, which is far less developed (or at least, one would hope), and therefore more prone to the occasional laspe

but while ive seen a number of articles that discuss the logic of writing, i don't see people gushing as much about the art of editing and it's such a shame

the inner editor is so often characterized as the responsible parent to the writer's carefree child, or a relentless critic of the writer's unselfconscious, unpolished drivel

and it's like... maybe you just hate thinking critically about your work! maybe you view it that way because you're imposing external standards too fiercely onto your writing, and it's sucked the joy out of shaping and sculpting your words until they sing. maybe you prefer to conceive of your writing as divine communication, the process of which must remain unencumbered by lessons learned through experience or the vulnerability of self-reflection, until the buzzkill inner editor shows up with all those "rules" and "conventions" that only matter if you're trying to get published

and like obviously the market doesn't dictate which conventions are worth following, but the majority of widely-agreed-upon writing standards, especially those aimed at beginners, (and most especially those regarding style, as opposed to story structure) have to do with the effectiveness and efficiency of prose, and, in addition to often serving as a shorthand for distinguishing an amateur from a pro, overall help to increase poignancy and clarity, which is crucial no matter the genre or type of writing. and even if you personally believe otherwise, it's better to understand the conventions so you can break them with real purpose.

so editing shouldn't be about trying to shove your pristine artistic masterpiece into a conventional mold, it should be about using the creative instincts of your ear and your logic and experience-based understanding of writing as a craft to hone your words until you've told your story as effectively as possible

thank u for coming to my ted talk ✌️

#long post //#editing #wref #sefa rambles

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3wisellamas · 5 years

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Hey, remember my pet cracktheory that Darrell is a clone of Laserblast, or is somehow connected to him in some way? I finally cleaned up and sorted out my full list of weird things I’ve noticed that they both have in common, or that otherwise support that, or are just weird about this stupid robot in general. Because I wasn’t fucking joking about there being a lot of it. Probably not gonna actually amount to anything, especially with not much series left, but meh. It’s fun. Enjoy.

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Appearance/Body:

(Okay, I admit most of this section was pretty much killed by Darrell's canon human form in OK AU, which looked NOTHING like Laser at all. But just in case...)

-Identical body shape/proportions to LB/SF, with wider torso/hips and very thin waist -- maybe a little smaller because he's a teen (and a robot)

-Very close head shape to LB/SF/PV: square jaw (when it’s not exaggerated to make him cuter), similar rectangular shape and proportions if you include the braincase (since it would normally be inside his skull)

-LB's mask looks a LOT like Darrell's head, with the entire top half and most of the sides of his head covered and with circular ear...things

-That mask also tends to be quite expressive, almost functioning as a single eye sometimes

-Their big heavy boots are also kinda similar (Though honestly Darrell's boots look slightly more like Chip Damage's...)

-LB is based off of the superhero Cyclops, and Darrell is literally a cyclops

-Only robot that really seems to have an organic, human brain, and has human feet too along with Shannon -- even for just the feet, someone's DNA has to be cloned to make him, and not necessarily Boxman's.

-Darrell can grow stubble, according to that one tiny joke shot in Let's Watch the Boxmore Show; his face may be organic just like his brain and feet. Also worth noting, the specific spots on the side of the jaw where LB's/SF's stubble shows are covered by metal for Darrell -- when comparing Darrell and LB, each character's most distinctive visible features (one eye and brain, cheek stubble) are covered up on the other!

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Costumes:

-Darrell seems to enjoy dressing up as a HERO -- when he's in cowboy mode he plays a sheriff, and when the bots play Golden Statues he always plays the museum guard, both specifically hero roles!

-In fact, the costumes in general -- he definitely likes pretending he's someone else, rather than just being fashionable like his siblings.

-LB and SF both hide their eyes, and may have something unusual/distinctive about them, especially with Laser because of his eye-based powers. LB!SF in particular would hide his if there was something that might immediately get him recognized as his former identity. Perhaps only having one eye (hence the visor acting as one on occasion like I pointed out)? (We got to see behind LB's mask once in Gar's fear sequence in Face Your Fears, with one red eye showing where the mask was broken, but there it did look like he had two. However, Gar would never have seen what was ACTUALLY under there...)

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Habits/Personality:

-LB was an anti-hero, willing to do some fucked-up things in the name of good, while Darrell is an anti-villain, who focuses more on just doing his job, having fun, and trying to make his father happy than crushing the heroes out of malice

-Darrell's also just a terrible villain in general. Of course, he's directly killed another villain (or tried to anyway), and his idea of doing the most evilest thing was reporting Boxman's lies to the board and stopping him, AKA doing the RIGHT thing -- even with the betrayal, not very villainous of him, huh?

-Weird shared oral fixation? There's a very unusual emphasis on food/mouth things with Darrell (his lowkey obsession with eating, spitting Boxman into the spitoon in his office, brushing his teeth), and LB's trademark was always having that lollipop in his mouth.

-Hugging soft cute animals, like Rippy and Fink

-Darrell writes in concrete in You're Level 100, and LB does the same using his eye laser in Glory Days (in the POINT theme song)

-Neither one is a big fan of new members of their respective teams right away. LB refused to take junior members with him in both Glory Days and Let's Take a Moment, and doesn't seem to think much of them in either episode at all, aside from Silver Spark (and then, he still left her behind as one of his lookouts). Darrell...just freaking HATES new siblings at first, having a problem with every single one he gets, at least the ones we've seen (we didn't get to see his and Mikayla's introduction). He's also like this to siblings he considers inferior to him, to a point -- he and Shannon both got pretty jealous when Boxman started praising Jethro's "new moves."

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Boxman stuff:

-Timing is correct, Darrell and the others were created right after LB disappeared according to Lad and Logic, since Boxman only drew the first three members in his original plans to attack POINT, and Gar was already building the plaza by the time Boxmore was opened. This means the Boxbot quadruplets and KO were actually born around the same time, making them all 6-11 years old, roughly the same amount of time that's passed since the Sandwich Incident.

-Boxy was obsessed with POINT at that time (and still is, since he's kept the coordinates for POINT HQ memorized), and possibly LB himself (given his later attraction to PV)

-Boxman may also have some POINT tech and connections of his own? First off, access to a huge supply of glorbs, the easiest and closest source of which Foxtail and Carol have been protecting and heavily monitoring, and are normally very hard for non-heroes to get their hands on. Second, those boxes he sends the robots to attack in might use the same wormhole tech as POINT Prep's bus, since it looks a little similar both in transit and emerging at its destination, plus its driver sounds exactly like Ernesto. And speaking of Ernesto, that one time he straight-up drew a POINT drone as part of a family portrait…

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POINT stuff:

-There were six members of POINT before the Sandwich Incident, and LB was one of the original three, and seemed to function as co-leader alongside Foxtail. There are six Boxbots, and Darrell was one of the original four, and kinda leads them in battle alongside Shannon, especially once he becomes CEO.

-And coincidentally, the original six members of POINT also share colors and in some cases roles with the Boxbots -- Shannon and Foxtail are orange, Greyman and Ernesto are purple, El-Bow and Jethro are blue, Rippy and Raymond are green, Silver Spark is...difficult but her hair is pretty distinctive and works with Mikayla for yellow, and of course, Darrell and Laser are red. The robots' colors and relative ages even match POINT'S senior/junior members, with Greyman, Laser, and Foxtail representing three of the older Boxbots, and then Rippy, Silver Spark, and El-Bow representing the two newer ones and Jethro, who only recently was able to show his true personality/potential.

-"Junior Members" = "Junior Deputies"

-"Code Vermillion." I made an entire post on this a while back, but to summarize, Vermillion is a bright, slightly orange-y red, and in most episodes is Darrell's exact color. And Vermillion, as a red pigment, tends to darken over time into purple and black -- and SF and PV have connections to both glorbs (which Code Vermillion refers to), and to LB as well.

-Darrell has a bunch of weird similarities to Chip Damage as well, who is basically Laser's replacement at POINT, minus being the Charisma discipline rep: Robots made right after LB got iced, green powers, special limited-edition costumes/POW cards, similar dark gray boots, the remote controls (Wisdom class blackboard for Darrell, Final Exams for Chip), possibly both made with actual brain tissue (The flashback to Chip's creation had a brain on one of Greyman's screens), etc. Also, a dumb one, but...remember those Double-Dipped (KO and TKO?) Laser Chips (self-explanatory), that are "probably just a limited-edition" (Darrell).

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Other assorted weird things:

-Darrell’s laser eye attachment shown in Stop Attacking the Plaza -- still being worked on in the episode (and it looks like it has been for a while, since it had been some time since Boxman was in that specific lab...), but used by a Big Darrell in the opening, where it produces a very similar (green) copy of LB's beam.

-Darrell is right-handed, in a left-handed family -- he's shown eating with his right hand in Stop Attacking the Plaza while everyone else is using their left, looks like he’s wielding a lightsaber right-handed in Plaza Film Festival, and draws with his right hand in Villains Night In. Left-handedness is often associated with villains in fiction, so he may not be a full one? (Definitely not as sinister as the rest of them, hehe.) Though, some instances of Darrell using his left hand too, and other bots using their right, so I dunno how strong this particular point is.

-Line to keep an eye on: "Just reboot yourself into a new body! I do it all the time for funsies!" from Rad Likes Robots. Related, Darrell reboots by exploding himself, which is how LB may have "died" and took on a new identity (if he's SF)

-Weird shit from Let's Not Be Skeletons: Potato demonstrates a skeleton remote wearing a cowboy hat, and in addition to turning people into skeletons they remove powers, just like that red orb, and they also left Rad's and Enid's boots intact for some reason. Darrell's also one of the biggest customers of the remotes, using his foes' weapons against them ("What do you say we snag more of them before they fall into the wrong hands? We could even use them against our foes!")

-When we first saw TKO's power manifest in You're Level 100, it was while KO was trying to defeat a giant superpowered Darrell. When we first saw TKO in physical form in Face Your Fears (as KO's "evil burp"), he was sent out to defeat a giant superpowered Laserblast head. When we next saw TKO in, well, TKO (as his true self for the first time), he defeated another giant superpowered Darrell!

-Really dumb one, the letter right before C and D is B, so the acronyms LB and LCD may be a thing?

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Turbo/SF/TKO connections, just in case those turn out to be related to Laser as well:

(Under the cut, since this is long enough already!)

-SF hints that negative emotions, particularly anger, fuel Turbo powers. Darrell has quite a few jealousy and anger issues in general -- "Gets flustered by petty insults," HATES new younger siblings (or existing siblings showing him up and getting more of dad’s attention), etc -- and seems to be way more capable of mayhem than usual when running on these emotions. They even gave him the power to defy his programming and (attempt to) kill Boxman!

-He can also have his power boosted by a ton in a very short amount of time, from level -4 up (down?) to level -100 and able to destroy the plaza in one shot, and for as brief as that level -100 thing was he STILL has yet to be topped as the most powerful villain in the entire series! But, Boxman doesn't do it often -- even regular Big Darrells are implied to NOT be that powerful normally. Perhaps he's holding Darrell back for a reason?

-A lot of emphasis on his brain, similar to TKO: the visible brain is obvious, he has the most noticeable hivemind, and he pilots Big Darrells from inside their braincases similar to how KO and TKO controlled Big KO (even the name's similar!) in TKO's House

-Also, he doesn't have to glitch or change colors with his mood like Shannon does, he can make decisions and go against his programming all on his own -- perhaps he runs mostly on that meat brain? Or maybe his brain is actually a mass of pink glorbs like Jethro got in I Am Jethro that unlocked his intelligence and potential?

-SF's speech to KO in TKO: "Everyone holds you back because they're afraid of your raw, natural ability. They want you small and nice, blissfully unaware of your true potential." Darrell in Lord Cowboy Darrell: "Nobody's gonna hold me back." Shannon to Darrell in Plaza Film Festival: "Where do you think you got all that natural talent?"

-TKO ultimately came out of wanting recognition from his boss. LCD ultimately came out of wanting recognition from his boss.

-That VERY noticeable purple glow in the "I'm the Daddy now!" scene in Lord Cowboy Darrell. Like, to the point it seemed specially painted for emphasis, rather than the normal animation.

-Also, Junior is pretty heavy evidence that Turbo powers do not necessarily = purple, as Junior's powers were all green (and so were Chip's Turbo-ish powerups!) Darrell also has green powers (that even carried over to his human alternate in OK AU, despite Shannon and Raymond getting Enid’s and Rad’s exact same powers and colors), and is sometimes surrounded by Turbo-esque greenish lightning when he's angry, the best example being at the beginning of Legends of Mr Gar after being trash talked (remember that he can't take petty insults; he was PISSED there!)

-(If it looks like I’m insinuating Darrell’s secretly got more power under the hood than even he realizes, I absolutely am.)

-Darrell still has his dark hooded cloak from the pilot, which looks a little like SF's.

-Darrell's the only one who wasn't invited to Junior's funeral, and doesn't give half a shit, instead using it as an opportunity to betray people and take on a new identity. Possibly like LB faking his own death, therefore not attending his own funeral, and taking on a new identity as SF?

-Sneaking through the vents = sneaking through the pipes (SF, maybe how LB survived given that pipe in Let's Take a Moment)?

-Weird broken halo imagery shared between both Darrell and SF in TKO. (Not my observation actually, pointed out by @david-yells-about-cartoons ) Darrell's cloud halo thing in that episode also looks almost exactly like the clouds swirling above KO as he shoots a power fist for the first time at the end of Let's Be Friends…

#ok ko #ok ko let's be heroes #ok ko darrell #ok ko laserblast #ok ko shadowy figure #emtheories

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earlgreytea68 · 5 years

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The Fall Out Boy Lawsuit

OKAY. I’m writing this up very slowly and painfully because I was really looking forward to writing this up SO I PERSIST DESPITE MY COMPUTER’S DEATH. I got so many followers after my Omegaverse lawsuit post and I was like, “Oh, no, they’re going to be very disappointed that this blog is just a bunch of pictures of Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump” and THEN FALL OUT BOY GOT SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT AND I WAS LIKE, “MY TIME HAS COME.”

In all seriousness, though, this is an incredibly interesting case, because here is what it boils down to:

I am pretty sure Fall Out Boy thought they commissioned a couple of costumes to do whatever they wanted with.

The creator of the puppets is alleging that Fall Out Boy actually licensed a copyrighted work for a very limited purpose.

Okay, so let’s dig into this.

Once upon a time, Fall Out Boy (probably Pete, let’s face it) was like, “Hey, you know what we need more of in our lives? HUGE LLAMA COSTUMES.” (actually the allegation is the puppet studio came up with the llama idea, but someone on the FOB side decided they needed to be used a lot, so.) Even though many other people might not have felt this gaping hole in their lives from lack of llamas, Fall Out Boy was here for us and gave us what we didn’t know we wanted: SO MANY LLAMAS. These llamas were ev. er. y. where. The complaint has pages and pages and pages dedicated to FOB’s use of these llamas in promoting Mania (I can’t keep up with whatever weird way they expect us to style the name of the album, sorry).

Okay, so we’ve got these costumes, and if you have been at all aware of Mania-era Fall Out Boy, you’ve seen these costumes. According to the complaint, Fall Out Boy commissioned these costumes. A production studio got in touch with Furry Puppet Studio to order “wearable puppets” for use in the “Young and Menace” music video. They provided Furry Puppet Studio with the music video’s storyboard and some references to give them an idea what they were looking for. Furry Puppet Studio alleges that they didn’t use any of these inspiration photos, and it’s true that the puppets look absolutely nothing like what the FOB team sent to them. Instead, Furry Puppet Studio decided to use a llama monster they’d already created, together with a matching new llama monster. They gave the costumes to FOB with an implied license, they allege, that they only be used in the “Young and Menace” music video.

Implied licenses happen, of course, but the fact that nothing about this transaction appears to be written down is why I can say that I’m not sure Fall Out Boy was viewing this as a copyright matter. You can have implied licenses regarding copyrighted works, but you want your copyright licensing to be in writing. That is much preferred; it obviously makes everything much clearer. When I first saw the news article about this case, I immediately wanted to see the written contract about the puppets, and come to find out: there is none. That doesn’t mean this isn’t a copyright matter, but it does say to me that I bet it wasn’t being treated as one by the Fall Out Boy side of things. (Or, Idk, maybe they totally knew this was a copyright issue, they just didn’t think to paper it. I can’t get a feel for how often and early lawyers were involved with the puppets.)

You might be wondering why we care about any of this. There is no dispute that Fall Out Boy bought and paid for the costumes. Why can’t they do anything they want after that? Because, if the puppets are copyrighted, when you buy a copyrighted work, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to do whatever you want with it. If you buy a book, you’re not allowed to copy it and hand it out at Target. If you buy a painting, you’re not allowed to feature it in a television show without permission. You’ve bought a physical copy, but the exclusive rights of copyright (like reproduction and public display) stay with the copyright holder, in this case Furry Puppet Studio, unless you have negotiated otherwise. Fall Out Boy did not negotiate otherwise (probably, I suspect, because no one raised the issue that the costumes might be copyrighted works, but again, Idk).

Fall Out Boy loves art. They’re on the record as sharing a love of art and collecting art. I bet they do indeed know what they get when they buy physical art. I just suspect that none of them stopped to think that the costumes might be art.

Crux of the case:

Therefore, the entire case hinges on (1) whether the costumes are copyrighted; and (2) whether the implied license granted to use these copyrighted works was limited to the “Young and Menace” video.

As to the first part, Furry Puppet has copyright registrations, although they’re dated October 2018, which I only mention because if everyone knew they were dealing with copyrighted works, it seems like they would have been registered pretty quickly, instead of over a year after they were created. Sometimes, though, it takes you a while to get around to registration. And while some cases have been dubious about the copyrightability of costumes, the trend has been toward allowing them to be copyrighted, especially after a recent Supreme Court case basically seemed to make most clothing design copyrightable (the cases holding costumes not to be copyrightable tended to find they were “useful articles,” a doctrine usually used to prevent the copyrighting of clothing design, but that doctrine is...a morass right now, to put it mildly).

As to the second part:

I bet it’s definitely true that Rubrik only mentioned the “Young and Menace” video when it commissioned the puppets. The argument is going to be whether that therefore implied that they could not use the puppets for anything else. Because the contract is all implied, the court is going to have to spend a lot of time interpreting the parties’ intentions in their agreement with each other regarding the costumes.

This part of the interaction is probably going to end up being important:

The “Young and Menace” video was done, as Furry Puppet Studio admits. It was posted on YouTube in April. Months later, copies of the costumes were requested by October 15, because of the Mania tour starting on that date. Furry Puppet Studio reacts to FOB’s team’s request as follows:

The FOB team contact replied:

And then everyone moved on.

So a lot of the case is probably going to revolve around what that interaction reveals about the scope of the implied license regarding the copyrighted costumes and what could be done with them.

As an aside to this central case, the complaint references this:

I was like, ...what are they referencing that Fall Out Boy has done this before? I really wanted to know! Especially because a few weeks ago I actually looked for Fall Out Boy lawsuits (THE THINGS LAWYERS DO FOR FUN) and couldn’t find any. So then we get to this:

I tried to look into this and there is not much out there, so let me know if you know more. The stuff I could find called it an “out-of-court settlement,” which I initially took to mean there was a case that settled and some of the sources explicitly reference a lawsuit, but I’m pretty sure there was never a case, I just can’t find any lawsuit being filed. I could only find interviews with Eisold discussing this, very briefly (none with FOB), and he’s basically like, “It wasn’t a big thing, it was blown out of proportion.” It sounds to me like he raised the issue and they gave him writing credit, quickly enough that no lawsuit ever happened.

(source: https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/music/cold-caves-wesley-eisold-talks-dance-music-his-hardcore-past-and-that-fall-out-boy-lawsuit-6596823)

I tried to find what they were fighting over, i.e., what Pete copied, but it genuinely seems like they wrote the songs together, so it wasn’t something existing that Pete copied so much as lyrics Eisold actively provided to them for the song. This does seem like the co-writer credit being left off was an oversight, which maybe indicates that Fall Out Boy has a tendency toward “forgetting” proper copyright acknowledgment, although it only happening once a decade ago isn’t that much of a pattern.

What I really take away from the Eisold thing, though, is how easily and quickly it seems to have been handled. Eisold even says he’s still friendly with the band (that could obviously be a lie). But he had an issue, he or someone got in touch with the band, and a deal was worked out, quickly enough that no lawsuit was ever even filed. It makes me wonder what happened with this situation. There’s nothing in the complaint about Furry Puppet Studio contacting FOB to be like, “Hey, don’t use our puppets like this,” although that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And complaints don’t necessarily have to be filed right away. The Supreme Court, again, has recently found that you can wait until it’s worth your while to sue, so I guess that’s what the studio was doing. It’s just tragic to me because it seems like there were plenty of points where this confusion about the puppets and the copyrights and the license could have been brought up, and instead the Mania tour is over and the album’s promotion is mostly done and now this is happening, when the copyright harm that has happened is as bad as it could be.

Again, totally possible this was all raised months and months ago and couldn’t get resolved without a lawsuit. I have no idea.

Side note: the complaint doesn’t list the parties and jurisdiction/venue allegations until almost 60 pages in. I’ve seldom seen a complaint set up that way. Those allegations are usually right at the front. Anyone know if this is a new thing?

#fall out boy #bandom #law #long post

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vanfics · 5 years

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002 - Conversation

Hello again, first of all thanks for following this blog and for the likes. Secondly, this is the second vanfic that I write, and again please correct me if there's any error. When I was writing it I didn't notice how similiar it was to Conversation -the song- just when I was checking it I realized that it was basically the same idea, lol. I know the song is about Van's dad but anyways, guess that it was stuck somewhere on my brain or something. Hope you like it, leave a comment if you want, I'd love to read what you think about it. Okay, bye. Have a nice day.

Cooking was one of your favorite things to do. Since you were a little child, you begged your mom to let you play with the kitchen utensils and copied her recipes, trying to follow her steps. She loved it, too, but it was just a hobby for her, never thought about doing it for living. You did. You studied hard, playing attention to the master chefs in the institute, practicing at home, cooking for your friends, family and yourself. Then, when you graduated as chef and found a job at one luxury hotel. It was one of your biggest achievements.

At first it was a nightmare, being young and female wasn’t the best for start. You had to prove everyone, specially your boss, that you were capable of doing your job. It was exhausting. Many times you cried hiding between the flour bags at the back of the kitchen. But besides that, it was an amazing experience. Cooking fancy food, for many people, working with a big team. It was like you won the lottery. And that’s how you met Van. The golden ticket.

That day was one of the most stressful days of your entire life. Your boss didn’t show up at work, he called saying he was sick and left you in charge. By the end of the day you almost cried of tiredness. You just wanted to go home and go directly to bed. But God or the universe, or whatever who rule the world, had other plans for you.

You told your co-workers to go home. They worked hard and were as much tired as you. They deserved to rest. You finished washing your hands and let go a heavy sigh when Lucy, the manager, appeared from the salon and gave you a fake smile.

“Do you have any knife close to you?” she asked and you frowned.

“Yeah it’s a kitchen, duh” you said, joking. She was a few years older than you and already ruled the hotel. She was usually at the night shift so you would only see her arrive when you were about to leave, but she was always nice and friendly.

“I know, but please don’t take any of it” Lucy implored “please don’t kill me”

“Why? what happened?”

“We need one more thing and then you can leave, I promise but first... “ she made a pause “I need you to cook for six people.”

Your jaw dropped.

“SIX PEOPLE?!?! It’s almost midnight are you kidding me?” your voice sounded piched.

“I wish but no” she looked serious “there’s a rock band staying here, with their crew, they came back from the show and asked for dinner, sorry, I thought you knew…”

Of course you didn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t let all your team leave you alone cooking for a bunch of people. Your boss didn’t say anything. He just left you on charge of the Titanic.

“They didn’t ask for a special menu so just do something quick and then you can go home” Lucy said as if you had a choice. You just nodded and gave her a fake smile.

Pasta. That was easy, quick and everyone loves pasta. You had a special recipe for sauce that your mom teached you. Every person who has tasted it said it was the best sauce that they ever tried. And that time wasn’t the exception.

An hour later, you were cleaning the kitchen when someone knocked the door. You stopped singing the melody that was stuck all day in your head and watched at the direction where the noise came from.

There he was. You didn’t knew him, never saw him or heard his music. He looked at you with a smile on his lips, crossing legs,one shoulder resting on the doorframe, arms crossed above his chest. Hair wet from a recent shower.

“Can I help you, sir?” you asked, still contemplating his figure.

“Sir?” he laughed “please just call me Van” he walked in your direction and stretched his hand to you “Hi.”

“Hi Van, I’m Y/N, can I help you with something?” you repeated taking his warm hand.

“Just wanted to thank you personally for the dinner. It was the best pasta I ate in my entire life, my mom would kill me if she find out that I said that to someone else, but it’s true” God, that guy liked to talk a lot, your inner voice, said.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell her” you joked, still handshaking “thanks by the way, glad you liked” then you left his touch.

His eyes scanned the empty kitchen while you studied his face details. Long eyelashes, pinked lips, freckles all over his cheeks and forehead.

“Hmm did you cooked all by yourself?” he said after a long silence, you nodded “woah, that’s amazing and hard, sorry about that” he looked really apologetic.

“Yeah it was a hard day” you replied, not explaining him all the details.

“Shit, I feel bad for you having to work till this hour just for us.”

“No, it’s fine, really. I appreciate you coming by and saying you like it, seriously. It’s what I’m here for, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Alright, love, thanks again. I’ll leave you alone, sorry to take more of your time. See you around I guess…” he sounded a little sad.

“That’s okay. You’re welcome. Have a goodnight” you said.

“You too, Y/N” he gave you a hug before leaving. You collected your coat and your bag then finally went home.

The next day was more relaxed, your boss went to work so it was much easier to do your job. You didn’t noticed how important his presence was till he was gone. You weren’t prepared for that kind of responsibility, yet.

When you left, you found Van at the front of the hotel, with his back against the fancy wall, smoking a cigarette.

“Hello, love” he said as you passed by his side, trying to hide your smile.

“Hello, Van” you replied saying his name carefully. It was a weird name.

“Finished earlier, huh?” he pushed himself with one foot, leaving a mark on the white wall. Van didn’t noticed it, his attention was on your face, reading your expressions.

“Yeah, not cooking for rock stars tonight” you joked and he laughed, and you blushed.

“Sorry about that, again” he said moving his gaze to the floor, you stood in your place “so… are you free tonight? maybe wanna get a drink or something?” he put his hair back with his fingers, and waited for your response.

“Hmm I don’t know, I’m a bit tired…”

“C’mon, just a drink, as a thank you for that amazing pasta” he smiled and you couldn’t say no.

Something about his presence was very hypnotizing. Maybe it was his eyes, or his smile, or the sound of his voice, or the way he seemed so relaxed and confident all the time, or how he made you feel nervous and comfortable at the same time. You accepted his offer, it was wednesday night and you didn’t have any plans, anyways.

You suggested a bar where you went a few times with some of your friends, after work. It was a couple blocks away from the hotel so you both went walking and chatting, while he finished his cigarette.

The place was mostly empty, just a few men chatting on a table close to the windows, and a couple kissing at the back of the place. You sat on a chair, taking off your coat, Van sat opposite, leaving his pack of cigarettes and lighter at the table. Then, the bartender asked what you were going to drink. You both said a pint, unison, and the man laughed and nodded.

“So you are in a band, huh?” you said, starting the conversation again.

One of the first things you noticed about Van was that he was a chatterer. It took him just a second to tell you all his story. He was the lead singer, he was staying at the hotel with his band, Catfish and the Bottlemen, for a few gigs in town. The night before they played and went back to the hotel and ordered dinner for all the crew. Van said that they were tired of eating fast food, that’s why they decided to eat at the restaurant.

That night was their free night, and some of his bandmates decided to go at some nightclub, the others left to visit the city but he wasn’t in the mood for any of those things. He liked going out, but something more chill. Beer, good music, cigs, that’s all he needed, he said. He loved meeting new people and new places, but sometimes he just wanted to keep it simple, it helped him to keep his feet on the ground, in his own words. The next day they’ll have another show so he wanted to rest his voice and his body. After that, they’ll move to another town to play another show, and repeat.

“Sounds exhausting” you said when he finished telling you how complicated was his schedule “I will never complain about my job, ever again” his laugh echoed on the empty pub. You didn’t knew when the rest of the customers left, you were too absorbed in what the guy in front of you were saying. The owner looked at your table from his position behind the cash register and gave you a small smile.

“You kidding? You cooked all that stuff for us and it was delicious, I can’t even- I would probably burn the water” Van said and took a sip of his second pint.

“Well, if you can burn the water let me know cause you have some kind of superpower, water doesn’t burn, it evaporates” you correct him.

“See? I don’t even know how it’s called” you laughed louder than him.

“Anyways, I don’t feel like it’s a job. For me is like a form to express myself, it’s liberating, kinda therapeutic too. I know some days, like yesterday for example, it’s more stressful but at the end of the day, I’m getting pay for doing what I love, you know?” you looked up to read his face, you never talked about that kind of stuff with anyone, Van stayed in silence for the first time in the night, looking at you, lost in his own thoughts. “Sorry, sounds stupid saying this out loud” you added, both staring at each other.

“No, no” he was back on Earth, shaking his head. He moved in his own place and cleared his throat “that’s-” he doubted “that’s the most accurate thing someone ever said, that’s exactly how I feel. I understand you, completely.” he affirmed and you smiled, feeling the heat on your cheeks. “I don’t feel like it’s a job, it’s what I love to do and I’m grateful to do it for living, not for money, though. When the public sings the lyrics that I wrote in my old notebook, right back at me when we play them live on a stage, it’s fucking mental. That’s the best feeling in the world, doing something that you love and making people feel good, at least for a moment.”

You shivered, it was like hearing your own thoughts.

“That’s exactly how I feel when people compliment about my food, maybe it sounds silly for others, but for me it means that what I made with passion makes them happy for a moment, and it’s one of the best feelings in the world” you said.

“Never thought that a gig and a meal could have a lot in common” he joked “but seriously, I know exactly what you’re saying, and it’s incredible, really. I’m glad to… found someone who share that feeling.”

“Sorry to interrupt you lovebirds” said the bartender “but it’s really late and we’re closing soon, is there any last thing you wanna drink?” he asked.

“Hmm no, it’s okay” you replied first, checking the clock on the screensaver of your phone “I probably should get going”

Van asked for the bill and you went to the bathroom before the man returned. After discussing about paying, Van gave up and let you pay the half. He said he felt bad to make you waste your money because it was his idea, and you replied that it was your beer and you’d pay for it.

“Okay… since you cooked for me and didn’t let me pay for the beer that I invited you” he said when you both stepped outside “I think that you should go tomorrow to our show.”

“That sounds fair enough” you accepted smiling wide.

“Deal” he said putting his right hand out of the pocket of his jacket, offering it to you.

“Deal” you took it, like the first time you met him. It was only one day ago, but it felt like you knew each other more than you knew yourselves.

#van mccann #vanfics #vanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #catfish and the bottlemen

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augujerdeer · 5 years

Note

🍎👠🎃🌆👂😱💬!!! Feel free to not answer any of them!

IM CRYING BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY SENT INE THANK YOU jnsjshdjhsdjh

🍎what are yall’s favourite foods?

I think this is gonna be a long post now that I think about it, but i’m asking everyone what their favourite food would be if they could only pick one or two (not everyone answered or can but >:0)

Mine (Jamie) would be pancakes! or grilled salmon! OR SPICY TUNA SASHIMI!!!!

Kris, Chara and Matthew immediately just have chocolate as their answer dicenksfvjk but kris says “anything” and he lives up to it sometimes

Jaiden says gummy bears and gummy worms (all he eats is CANDY)

Kobe says flowers,,,,

Sal is picking between pizza and cheesecake smoothies

Peter says he doesn’t have one yet ;;

👠how difficult is it for y'all to agree on one cohesive outfit?

So this kind of depends on how many people are out, but I usually follow whoever wants to wear something if only one person is requesting something (Like when Kris would screech and ask for me/us to wear the pink hoodie or his sequins sneakers)

But if there’s multiple people, (usually Kris, Chara, or Matthew) it might take a while ksjskjskjs but generally everyone would go rock-paper-scissors or let the other person have us wear what they want! Usually because they deserve this turn or we take turns :0

🎃how many head mates could be considered scary?

HMM,,, I guess I would say Severous first. He’s a 8+ foot werewolf man, he is a BEAR

his fur is PITCH BLACK especially at night and his eyes and drool glow white (so he has no pupils, that’s his entire eyes), so if you’re in the forest in Providence in the middle of the night, you’ll just see a scary OwO face in the dark

HE DOESNT DO THE OWO FACE BUT ITS NOT LIKE I CAN COPY IT IN TEXT FORM

he always stands on two legs unless he’s SPRINTING , but honestly??? HES BABY and we all love him, Kobe calls him “PUPPY” and even drew him a few times while fronting ;;;;;;;; He’s actually a dad to one of our littles Penny and is gay and dates someone from one of my partners’ system

Also he doesn’t speak very well? He used to speak fluently but overtime and he was recovering from being a persecutor, his ability to speak was kind of, disintegrating? So he only speaks in SUPER SHORT and almost broken english sentences. if you visit him you can catch him reading children’s books and practicing to read and speak again,,, he’s baby,,,,

Chara (from undertale) could be considered scary inspace becaus ethey can go goopy- they’re not a scary person but if they want to scare you, (especially if you don’t know who they are i mean), they will be intimidating and stuff ;; when i first met them, they did spook me, and their eyes are very bright red

Sal (from Sally Face) I guess could be considered spooky because i was drawing him in class one time (prosthetic ON of course) and my friend said he looked scary ;;;? poor sal;;; he’s not scary at all

🌆what does your headspace look like?

*clasps hands together* goodness it’s a good thing i made this map. it’s VERY OLD but it’s still the same except imagine everything is WAAAAAY more spaced Out!

honestly i need to move the teleporters and mansion higher up (and the main tree closer to them) but this is it!!!

The most common places people go to is The Mansion, The Bunker, The Farmhouse, and The Picnic Ground! People when going for walks in the forest usually stick around the Picnic Grounds-Cave Pool-Farmhouse Triangle but usually can go anywhere- the forest is SO big though (alven took me flying once and it stretches to the horizon)

The Mansion is where most of us live! Here you can find Jaiden and the kids (Kobe, Aco, and Penny– and Carla (Carla is an NPC [who is aware of the outside?] but we don’t care she is family). Alven is also here with his lab, so is Joseph and Louise!! (and their dog, Troy). On the outside, you can’t see the mansion, only two giant doors (nobody ever uses kdndckdocsl we honestly just use the teleporters to go anywhere– Also, everything you see INSIDE the meadow excluding the bunker was what our headspace FIRST looked like!!! it was the start of everything ;; Jaiden made the mansion. The mansion has two main rooms- The Main Hall, and The Tall Corridor. There’s a looooot of history here

The Farmhouse is where I (Jamie) live! But i’m not inspace a lot so it’s honestly empty until i meditate there ;;

The bunker existed and is a place some people permanently moved to because we started having some Bad Refuses To Do Good Persecutors, or just bad people. They were VERY violent so half of us went to hide- and eventually the entire system actually moved to the bunker for almost a year and a half before moving out- and then some people stayed- mainly Matthew. People who live in the bunker are Matthew, Kris, Peter, Jade, Chara, Liam, and Sal! Icari should be here somewhere but i think she’s still hiding ;;

Most of the time if we have a new person, they move to the bunker right away. There’s a teleport system almost all over the frequent spots in the headspace so they can easily leave and enter! Matthew lives one the second ground below the 1st ground below because of some bad things that happened- he never leave the bunker because being outside scares him a lot- especially with the entire headspace being a forest :( you need special access to get down there

The Picnic grounds isn’t very special to me personally but Jaiden made it so people can have picnics!! It’s honestly SUPER pretty oh goodness, and no matter what time of day (unless it’s night) the sun is always shining nicely and it’s so pretty there, and people actually go there!!

The only people that don’t go there are Joseph and Louise because we had one bad person hurt them badly in that area,

Also the Ruined City i didn’t mention because– no one goes there- but we all know it exists. Basically it’s a purely grey/monotone/greyscale land? Like the moment you enter, the world transitions to black and white (not your body but the environment) and the only things that have colour are the miss and greenery in the background (mostly grass and parks, not a lot of trees). all the buildings are collapsed or destroyed in some way- so imagine a big area with degree and rubble and standing building but there’s so many destroyed parts like one building is missing an entire second floor and another has a giant gaping hole not eh side, etc.

we also don’t go there because it’s dangerous- there are giant SPIDER robots that patrol the area- we still don’t know why, but they shook lasers! (come back to this post later because I WILL add a picture of what i’m talking about!! i just don’t have my phone on me)

ANYWAY THERES MORE BUT ITS TOO MUCH TO PUT HERE

WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER PLANET

👂What kind of music do y'all like?

Jamie - what do you mean people have favourite music? i’m just kidding uksdeijfdkj i like indie and broadway!!! pop is pretty cool but it’s not my first choice at all ;;; rock and metal hurts my ears

Chara - they have 4 playlists on spotify! One playlist is called Soft Knives for calm music (it’s usually happy but there could be some sad ones there- but no angst songs- imagine songs you can sleep to or calm down with). Blunt Knives is for angsty or apathetic moods- and Angry Knives is for ANGRY LOUD music. The have a 4th playlist called Chara’s Classical Collection. Chara can range from Classical music to indie music death metal and rock. They usually hate pop

Kris - he loves rap and r&b! though he loves a lot of music besides those! He loves tally hall and kid bloom :0 mostly chill or music that makes you go aW YEAH (his words) he also has Classic Songs in his playlist. So if you have it one shuffle, you’re listening to some sick bops and then all of a sudden Rockefeller Street Nightcore comes on and you get whiplash. doesn’t like metal or rock. He has a second playlist called “it’s Saturday Morning” for stuff like heo soul or “music you can dissociate to but not in a bad way” (Listen to Sugarcoat by Kid Bloom or Different State of Mind (some artist) for a general idea)

Matthew - rock and stuff similar to chemical romance and panic! at the disco. they like metal and rock but he says Sal’s and Chara’s are too aggressive for his taste- and hen you find out he sometimes listens to screamo

Sal - honestly i find his playlist super weird ? Some music sounds weird to me but otherwise his playlist is full over a lot of genres ! It’s kind of wack and funky- not the genre- but the amount of variety he has. And in his 2nd playlist is death/metal and rock- a bunch of loud music that can be fast sometimes too- is not afraid to head bang in public and do air guitar

Peter - We’re not sure yet but he likes music from his time- plus old music- specifically New Wave for now!his playlist is super new and he hasn’t been here a while so we’re not sure o>o

Jade - Soft calm or upbeat and happy music

Kobe and Aco - they are babies- Kobe still sings the ABC’s everyday so

😱do your headmates have any phobias?

i don’t think any of us has phobias- because it’s defined as “irrational fear” actually wikipedia says it can be CAUSED so nevermind dkjjkfd

Honestly these feel like triggers more than phobias butnit first thendescription of a phobia so;; i’m putting POSSIBLE because we’re not sure

Chara - Possible Nyctophobia (fear of the dark, but specifically extreme pitch blackness for Chara), Possible Ecclesiophobia (fear of the church -either building or what it represents])

Matthew - Agoraphobia most probably (fear of going outdoors/leaving the house, some say wide open spaces)

Sal - somewhat Cynophobia but wants to overcome it (fear of dogs) ((likes dogs but is afraid of them honestly))

Kris - Monophobia/Autophobia (Fear of isolation and abandonment) ((this is a big one))

That’s all i can think of for now

💬free space! one cool fact!

uuHHH,,,,,, i can’t think of any, but i know one thing: i love our system and i can see everyone’s trying really hard to take care of each other or are doing a lot to process their own memories and feelings ;;;

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annamead--xo · 5 years

Text

Christmas Time - Part I || Hanna

Who: Harry, Anna and Kurt Where: Harry's childhood home What: It's Christmas. Despite their fight, Anna shows up at Harry's childhood home to come celebrate Christmas with his parents. She invites their mutual friend from San Diego Kurt over to help them get through the night, which isn't easy without fighting...

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Harry: [opens the door] ... Anna?

Anna: Uh.. hi...

Harry: What are you doing here?

Anna: It’s Christmas. We told your parents we’d both be here.

Harry: I thought you wouldn't come. You know, after ... after everything.

Anna: Just because we’re not okay... I’m here for them.

Harry: You could've called... I already told them you couldn't make it this year. You can still go to Kurt if this is too uncomfortable.

Anna: I’ll be fine. I still want to give them their gifts and spend Christmas with them.

Harry: About that gift.. we should probably talk about that. Do you - do you want to come in?

Anna: Sure.. can you grab this? [she hands him a few bags with presents] I don’t know why we need to talk about. It’s just Christmas dinner. Kurt is going to come and help me with it.

Harry: [before he could answer Anna already gave him her bags] It's not about the Christmas dinner. Wait, Kurt is coming? I thought we'd do that together.

Anna: Then what is it about? Yes.. I didn’t want things to be more awkward between us so I asked if he would come over and help.

Harry: The vacation. God. Kurt is only going to make it more awkward once he sees we're not good with each other. He'll want us to make up right on the spot.

Mrs Fields: Harrison? Who is it?

Anna: Harry, it’s just a small vacation. Your mom won’t even know she’s on a plane until she’s landed. I guess you’re going to have to work on your acting skills then. Everyone should know that nothing is wrong between us. [she hears Mrs Fields and enters the living room] Hi Mrs Fields, it’s just me. [she smiled brightly at her]

Harry: But my dad... [he looks down and sighs] I'll try my best, okay? It's.. It's really nice you still came.

Mrs Fields: Oh Anna! [She gets up and takes her into a big hug] Harrison said you weren't coming. [She looks over at Harry] Why would you say that honey? Of course Anna would come!

Anna: Your Dad? [she looks at him confused] I am happy I came too. It’s been too long since I’ve been here. [she welcomes the hug with open arms, feeling right at home again] I missed you. [she kisses her cheek when Mrs Fields finally let her go] I had some last minute stuff come up back in New York. I didn’t think I was going to get here in time but I managed to move some stuff around. Harry just didn’t want to disappoint anyone. [she lied, trying to cover for the both of them]

Harry: I think a whole trip will be too much for him. It is.. it was weird never seeing you here anymore.

Mrs Fields: And I missed you sweetheart, it's been too long! [She still held Anna's arm when she let go from the hug] Look at you, such a beautiful girl. We are so proud of you for being on Broadway. And everything else. [She squeezed her hand before letting go] Well I am glad you could because it's not Christmas without you. Oh my son, always trying to make everyone happy. Including you. [She smiled]

Harry: Mooom! [He walked up to his dad who sat in the chair] Look who's here daddy. Anna is here! [He placed a kiss on his cheek] That is nice right? And Anna brought some gifts too.

Anna: I guess I should come back here more often to see everyone. [she couldn’t stop smiling being around Mrs Fields] Thank you. You and Mr Fields should come and see the show. Whenever you want. Harry has seen it many times so he can tell you all about it. [she glanced back to Harry with a smile, forgetting for just a second at the awkward tension there was moments ago] I’m glad I’m not the only one telling him this! He puts everyone’s happiness over his own. [she blushed as her last comment because she knew it was the truth but turned her attention over to Harry who was with his dad. She walked over to them, standing beside Harry] Hi Mr Fields. It’s so good to see you. [she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek as well] I’m pretty sure we have to wait until Christmas to open gifts but maybe I’ll sneak you one. [she laughed but when she heard no response back from his dad, she turned to Harry looking concerned]

Harry: I'd like that, if things turn back to normal [he whispered the last part so his mother wouldn't hear].

Mrs Fields: Oh sweetheart we'd love to see it, but I'm afraid the travel to New York is too far for my Harry right now. But we won't complain if you sing us a song here? I bet Harrison goes to see you every night. Oh he does, he'll never learn to put his own happiness first. Don't know where he got that from [she laughed as she was just the same, always being busy cooking for everyone and such]

Harry: Ohh, what did I just hear dad, are you guys being sneaky secretly opening gifts? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. [He looked at Anna apologetically] It's okay [He whispered] Now where's that present?

Anna: Harry.. [she didn’t want to talk about them while being so close to his parents] Oh.. well the offer always stands for the both of you. I’m sure I could do that. Maybe later though? We could show you some videos of the show even. I think Harry has a bunch on his phone. There’s no way to convince him otherwise either. Oh, maybe just from the woman we both admire so much. [she took her hand, squeezing it with a smile] But this year, we’re going to take care of the both of you. Did Harry tell you about Christmas dinner yet? [she laughed when Harry caught on already] We have no idea what you’re talking about. We’re waiting until Christmas! [though she was still worried about his father, she went into one of her bags and picked out a gift for Mr Fields and handed it to Harry] I hope you like it.

Mrs Fields: Don't want to make my husband jealous if I go alone [she joked] That would be wonderful! I'd love to see videos. Oh! You were in the newspaper. I kept it for you. And got three more newspapers at the store if your friends want any. Oh shh, shh [she laughed] He said you two would cook but without you I don't trust him in the kitchen. But now that you're here..

Harry: Of course, no sneaky early gifts here, right dad? [Harry sat down on his knees next to his dad's chair] Let's see what you got there, right? [He unwrapped the gift for him while mouthing 'sorry' to Anna for not being able to explain it]

Anna: He would miss out on too much if you were alone. [she laughed] wait.. the newspaper here? I’d love a copy though. [she turned to Harry] Did you know? I’m so surprised! [she turned back to his mom] I wouldn’t trust him either. Don’t worry, he’s just going to help. He won’t go near the stove [she teased] No, we are waiting patiently for Christmas, right? [she was still so confused as to why his dad wasn’t speaking like she was used to but she just shrugged at him and watched the two of them as they opened the gift]

Mrs Fields: And I wouldn't want that. Sorry Anna, we'd love to see it, but we're still proud of you. Yes! The girl from San Diego ended up on Broadway, that couldn't go by without notice! I told everyone at the supermarket who you were.

Harry: I did, but I didn't want to ruin mom's surprise [he said, hiding the fact they hadn't spoken much at that time because they were broken up] Hey! You two know I can hear you! [He opened the gift for his dad and pulled out a blanket with a picture of his parents on it. He held it out in front of his dad so everyone could see the full thing] Oh! [He hadn't even seen it yet and looked at Anna surprised. It didn't even get through him that his dad was laughing till he heard the sound]

Anna: It’s okay, Mrs Fields! We’ll have a night here to show you all the videos so it will be like being there. I have you to thank for always encouraging me to follow my dreams. [she shook her head in amazement] I still can’t believe it would be such news over here, wow! You always were my biggest supporter. Harry, did you actually manage to keep a secret for once? [she played along with his story] Oh, oops. You know it’s true. You’re safer with me in the kitchen with you and you know it. [She looked around the room at everyone’s reactions to the gift. She wondered why everyone looked at her with such surprise in their eyes though. She laughed with Harry’s dad when he reacted] Well, there you are. Sounds like someone loves his new gift.

Mrs Fields: Oh oh, guess we are not going to bed early! Don't thank me dear, you accomplished that all by yourself. You are like a daughter to us, we'll always support you.

Harry: I did, isn't that great? [He smiled but it was a bit forced, he wasn't as good at acting as Anna] Hey, I do bake some killer eggs and bacon! [Harry's mouth fell open and for a moment he didn't know how to move. His mom walked over slowly, tears in her eyes] Mrs Fields: Oh Harry. [She kissed her husband] Thank you Anna. Thank you. Harry: [He took a step back and looked at Anna]

Anna: We’ll make it an early evening activity, not to worry Mrs. Fields. I don’t think I can stop thanking you for everything you’ve done. I hope the time I’m here makes up for some of it. [she looks at Harry with a funny look and mouths ‘keep it together’ at him before turning her attention back to everything] I’m impressed and I will say that he is right about the eggs. [Anna was so confused by this point when both Harry and his mom looked emotional] Of course, you’re welcome Mrs. Fields. I’m so glad that you like it, Mr. Fields. [she smiled at both of them and then turned her head to Harry. Her smile fell at the look he was giving her. She walked over to him and whispered] Can I talk to you in the kitchen?

Mrs Fields: Oh honey, you’ve thanked us already by being here! The biggest gift is knowing everyone is doing good. You are staying all days right? I already got Harrison’s old bedroom ready and I got you gluten free bread for breakfast tomorrow.

Harry: She’s just always teasing me [he tried to recover when Anna reprimanded him] I don’t know.. Maybe we should stay here [he whispered back]

Anna: It is wouldn’t be enough. I’ll be here for the whole week. Oh.. you remembered. Thank you Mrs Fields. [she nodded] Yup, he makes it so easy sometimes. [she takes the blanket out of Harry’s hands and gently places it on Mr Fields lap with a kiss on his cheek again] I just need to borrow Harry for one minute in the kitchen. [she said to Mrs a Fields as she dragged him out of the room. When they were in the clear, she turned to him] What was that in there, Harry?

Harry: I won't go near the stove? I am not that bad. You were just making fun of me. [He said once they reached the kitchen]

Anna: No, no. I mean, why is your dad not talking? Why are you both so emotional around him? He used to be so lively when he saw us.

Harry: Oh... [Harry went silent] He uhm.. dad got a stroke earlier this year. He recovered quite okay from it but he had some speech issues. Until uhm [he swallowed] he had another one two weeks ago. So [he rubbed his eyes] now it's just this. He knows you're there though. He's still present. You can see it when he follows you with his eyes. But he hasn't shown much reaction since the last stroke. So.. so this was unexpected.

Anna: Why didn’t you tell me this before? [she was visibly upset by the news] That explains why you came back a couple weeks ago. [without thinking, she reached out for his hand, giving it a small squeeze] I’m sorry.. I wouldn’t have had the blanket made if I had known. [she looked down and wiped her eyes with her hand] Is there anything we can do for him?

Harry: ... it happened at the time we didn't talk. When I assumed that you didn't want to see me anymore and you didn't know I was still alive. I tried to tell you at our phonecall when you mentioned the vacation. [He nodded] Yeah. I'm trying to help my mother out where I can. [He looked surprised at her hand, but didn't let it go] No, no, the blanket was good! Great actually. We haven't gotten a reaction visible like that from him in a while, so it was really good. It's good you're here. [He squeezed back her hand] Just be nice and normal to him. I'm still quite sure he knows what we're saying. I wouldn't want to talk over his head.

Anna: But you knew when things were good between us. Why not then? You know I care about them just as much as you do. Oh.. the vacation.. well I feel silly now for buying it. You should be here more often, Harry. I know you don’t want to leave Southvale but he needs you. They both need you. [she nodded] He seemed to really like it. I just wanted to give him something special. Maybe this reaction is good news. It could mean that he could be regaining some of what he loss? [she didn’t really know but she wanted to believe it was true. She nodded again] You make it seem so easy to talk to him. Is there any chance he will get better?

Harry: I didn't want to keep you here.. you might be leaving to London. You'd be like me, stuck to Southvale because you're scared to leave. I know you do. I should've told you. I try to. So uhm.. I don't think I've ever broken this but - Danica went to rehab. And I don't want her to feel alone like that again because even if she's good now, I know she could relapse. I try to be here as often as I can. Oh he loved it, I am sure of that. Maybe ... I wish I didn't know enough of this to just cherish that hope. It's easy, he's my dad, and I already am quite talkative. A small chance. But it will be harder to recover the second time.

Anna: I can’t go to London. Not when I know this is here. What do you mean you’re scared? How can you be scared when you’re so... powerful. [she looked down at their hands and pull hers free, remembering the last time they spoke when she had ended things]. Yes, you should have. [she crossed her arms] Rehab? [she started pacing around the kitchen, her mind racing at the new news.] I can’t beli—Harry. How long? [she looked up at him, hurt by the news but also a lot of guilty for not being around] You can’t carry that around forever. At some point, she’s going to need to see how she does on her own. And I know she would want you here with your father if she knew. There has to be some kind of hope to latch onto for you. It’s a positive thing that he laughed today. Maybe tomorrow it will be something else. You just have to believe it. [she bit her lip with a small nod] I might have to follow your lead on talking with him. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. No... he’s going to recover. He has to..

Harry: You know my dad would cheer you on to go if he could. You shouldn't put your life on hold for my family. [He looked down at his hands when she pulled hers away] That.. that doesn't make me feel powerful. It only makes me more scared of hurting anyone. It hasn't happened around my parents, luckily. [He nodded] I know. I'm sorry. I didn't know where we stood. [He reached for her arm] Anna, please stand still. [He pressed his lips together when she asked, but eventually he sighed and gave in] 6 months. She was in rehab for 6 months. The guy she loved shut her out even after she got clean like he asked her to. I don't want her to be alone if I leave. I didn't tell her about dad.. I don't want her to worry about that. I know, I know. No medical statistics, I just gotta hope. Don't worry, you won't say the wrong thing. And since he laughed at the blanket.. maybe you talking to him will help. Maybe something will come out of it, I don't know. Just try, and I'll help, okay?

Anna: I wouldn’t be putting my life on hold. I can find things to do here in San Diego and help at home at the same time. Like you should be. [she shook her head] That doesn’t answer the question of why you’re scared to leave. [she looked surprised] They don’t know of your.. extracurricular activities? It shouldn’t have mattered. I know what I said and after this week, I still stand by it. But family always get a pass. [she stopped when he grabbed her arm and she looked at him with tears in her eyes] How could someone do that to her? String her along like that. But she has her company and people there to support her. She’s not alone. [she nodded and tried to give him a small smile] Dont think like a doctor around him. You’ll make yourself go crazy like that. Maybe.. I hope you’re right. I’ll try but don’t leave my side, okay?

Harry: You know there is no Broadway in San Diego. ... You judge me, don't you? For being in Southvale so much rather than moving back here? [He looked away] I've made a bad decision once, I'm afraid of the consequences if it follows me here. [He couldn't tell her about the FBI and his deal to become an agent to pay of his debt for stealing, he was afraid if he'd run away from them, they'd follow him and throw him into jail anyway for what he did] No, they don't. I've been pretty good at hiding them - I mean, you didn't know it till I showed you. Wait.. so you still want me to stay away from you? I thought you coming here.. might have changed something. [He shrugged] I don't know. Some people just don't care about other's feelings. She's talking to him again now - I'd love to just punch the guy in the face. [He tried to give her a smile back] I try to. I just have to try and be just his son, not his doctor. I won't. And Kurt probably won't either once he shows up.

Anna: I know. I guess I’d find something else to occupy my time while I’m here. [she shrugged] I didn’t really before but now I do. You talked all the time about how you wish you could come back here. Why don’t you just make it a reality? It doesn’t have to be permanent if you’re that concerned. [she shook her head] No, I told you I’m here for your parents. This is hard enough trying to pretend we are back together. Nothing’s changed. I still want the curly haired boy with glasses who geeked out on doctor videos and who helped me run lines. You’re just.. not him. [she wiped away a couple tears that fell] She probably has her reasons for talking to him again. You probably shouldn’t get involved like that. Maybe she needs closure or something. I know it’s not easy to not be the doctor but he’s in such good hands, that much I know. Okay.. oh right, Kurt is coming. Does he know?

Harry: Maybe he’ll live like this for another 20 years. You know we left San Diego because this was not the place to fulfill our dreams. [He crossed his arms] You wouldn’t understand why. Last time I tried to tell you about my life ... we know how that ended. [When she told him she was just here for his parents, it felt like a slap to him in the face. He looked at her hurt, not even able to hide his feelings] Well if it is so hard on you to pretend to like me go ahead and tell them we’re not together and you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. Even my parents know I’m their son while I look different. But you just can’t see I’m still me. [He walked up to the stove and put out some pans onto it with big force] Now let’s cook. [He said, clearly sounding upset] And I still love doctor videos [he added mumbling]. He’s probably a manipulative dick. I’ve been working extra hard to get him the best doctors over here and making sure mom doesn’t have to worry about any costs. You’re the one who invited him. .. He does. His parents are good friends of mine.

Anna: Maybe I fulfilled all my dreams and it’s time to come home. Not this again. You can’t possibly tell me that this thing I wouldn’t understand can be as so big as you.. [she whispered] having powers. [she took a step away from him] Like that is so easy to do. Why don’t you go break their hearts? Maybe I should have stayed with Kurt. [she mumbled the last part under her breath] Yet they don’t know the true you considering you’re lying to them. So you can’t compare. [she jumped at the loud noise of the pans] Will you keep it down? [she moved to the fridge to find something for dinner] You two would be best of friends. My friend Flora called you manipulative too. I am starting to see why. [she pulled some vegetables out of the fridge and put them on the counter] I can help with the costs too. I know, I just forgot. [she rolled her eyes at him] Oh great, so you both knew about Mr Fields.

Harry: I tried to tell you last time and you - [He stopped as he didn't want her to get into another panic attack. He walked to the kitchen door and closed it to get more privacy] Clearly you want to play some act while we could've told them right away we weren't good. Well excuse me if I thought we were doing better because you showed up, but it turned out you didn't come for me at all. I'm not lying about who I am because I am still the same guy. [He put the lid on the pan extra loud] Oh she did? Why don't you go have dinner with her then? Bond over how much you dislike me. Don't forget to ask her why she dislikes me so maybe she can tell you how she tries to ruin my life. [He winced and grabbed a towel to wrap over his hand before Anna could see the sparks coming of from getting too emotional] Come on Anna, are we really going to start this argument? It's not going to help my dad in any way.

Anna: Had a panic attack? You know, I only started getting panic attacks because of you. [she crossed her arms and scoffed] Me? Are you kidding me right now? I'm trying to keep your mother from questioning us even more than she already will be. At least the questions of our relationship or marriage is a lot easier to answer instead of hearing 'oh it's too bad you two aren't together' and answering what happened between us since you haven't even told them about your powers or whatever else you're hiding from me and them. It's still lying, Harry. [she gave Harry a glare at the loud noise] Zoom in on the fact that she's in New York and I'm here. Or maybe you can finally be honest with me and tell me yourself. [she walked over to him when she saw him wrap his hand in a towel] Did you burn yourself on the stove? [she sighed and shook her head] No.. I know his parents are good friends with yours. Of course he would know. I just wish you both would stop treating me like I'm porcelain glass sometimes.

Harry: ... You did? How long have you had them? But you found out I was alive, and they're still happening? [he questioned her in his full doctor mode he went to sometimes] Well we could’ve said we were just friends, but you went into full girlfriend mode when you came in. Do you really know my parents? You know my mother would faint right away if I’d show her the powers, she’d think I was possessed or something. It’s already enough for her that I changed my face, and for that I stayed with the truth: a plane accident. My personality and these powers are two completely different things. [He rolled his eyes] Well lucky me that she is not here. I could tell you now but you’ll be mad no matter what I say. [He turned away from her] I’m okay [he mumbled, trying to control his powers without her noticing] They are, Kurt’s mother always went to the same dance class as mine. .. We just care about you. A lot.

Anna: 5 years. The first one started when I found out you were... I don’t know why they are still happening. Woah, woah. I wasn’t the one to tell them that we had gotten back together when someone ruined the surprise we were supposed to do together. I’m playing along to your little game for your parents. I’m not saying you have to tell them! I’m just saying don’t compare how we are to how they are with you when they don’t know the whole truth. Your parents love you no matter what. [she rolled her eyes again] Really? Can I be any mad than I already am? [she reached out to him] Let me see. Then why can’t you both just tell me things? I’m not going to break—

Kurt: Hellooooo! Merry Christmas! [he enters the room and notices the tension in the room immediately] Would it kill you guys to smile on our favourite holiday? We’re finally together!!

Harry: ... Anna, have you spoken to anyone about this? A therapist maybe? It's not good to have them for that long. So the last one happened when I showed my.. my powers, but between being alive and showing it, did they still happen? Well sorry about that, again, as I have already apologized about that before. I just said we reconnected, I thought they'd understand it was at friends and well since we slept together.. I didn't exactly correct their ideas that their was nothing between us because I thought there was. Well I bet they'd be much nicer when they knew the truth than you are. [He stepped away] No no I'm FINE! [He jumped up surprised when Kurt suddenly came in] Kurt! .. Hey. [He walked up to him to give him a hug]

Anna: No... I haven't talked to anyone about this. Would you stop playing doctor on me? I'm fine. [she crossed her arms, not answering his next question cause she knew she hadn't had one in between] You would think by now, you'd realize that your parents have been wanting us to get back together since we broke up. Of course they weren't going to take that as just being friends. You are more than welcome to go back in there and correct them now. [she looked hurt when he said that she wasn't as nice as his parents knowing the truth] Don't... don't be mean. [she stepped back when he shouted] I was just trying to help. [she was relieved when Kurt came into the kitchen] Kurt!!! [she ran over to hug him after Harry] I missed you!!

Kurt: [he hugged both Harry and Anna and held Anna at arms length after, giving her a once over] Honey, you look awful. What's going on?

Anna: I'm fine, Kurt. It's nothing. [she turned away from him and wiped her eyes]

Kurt: [he turned to Harry with a questioning look] Harry?

Harry: I think you should. This is not healthy. And you're on stage a lot too, what if it happens while you're performing? I'm worried about you. [He sighed] What do you want me to say, I messed up? My mother was so happy you were coming over, I don't want to ruin her happiness. Sorry, I... [He felt relieved that he could hold his friend again. He held Kurt for a few seconds and stepped aside when Anna ran in to greet him much more excited than she greeted him. He looked guilty when Kurt looked at him.] So.. Anna made my dad laugh [he tried to change the subject].

Anna: It hasn’t and it won’t. It’s just anxiety or whatever it’s called. Please, don’t worry about me. I would never fault you for wanting to keep your mother happy. I want the same thing. That’s why I’m playing along with this. Especially with your dad. He should see his son happy and in love. At least that’s what I was hoping we could show before everything got messed up.

Kurt: [he played along to the change of subject, fully intending to turn it back around later. He looked surprised] Really? What happened? That sounds like progress. No wonder Mrs Fields was beaming when she answered the door.

Harry: You can see a therapist for anxiety too. Find a way to get yourself through this panic attacks. Because like this, they're only gonna get worse. ... Let's not correct them okay? But don't say we're getting married either. This way I can always say at some point we're just really close friends again.. I want that too. I love him so much. [He sighed, taking a sneak at his hand in the towel while Anna was occupied by Kurt] Anna bought him a blanket with an old picture of my parents on it. I unwrapped the gift for him and when I showed it he just started laughing. I think he really liked it. .. It was a good gift.

Anna: Harry, I'm fine. I don't need a therapist. They don't do anything anyways. [she tried to brush the subject off like it was nothing but Anna knew that her attacks were indeed getting worse] You get to answer the marriage questions then. I didn't say anything but you know your mom is going to ask eventually. [she finally gave him a true smile before she nodded] I know you do. Everything is going to be okay. We'll just play along. No one will suspect a thing. You always wanted to be an actor, didn't you? [Anna wrapped her arm around Kurt's, as she stood beside him]

Kurt: Wow, that's some gift Anna! It's a great one! That's fantastic. This is exactly what the doctor was hoping for, right? Maybe it was the old photo of the two of them that did it. We should try other photos and see if he has any other reactions. Anna: I just wanted to give him something special. Unlike the other gift I got both of his parents.

Harry: They don't do anything? Anna they could help you. I can even go with you if you're scared. [He sighed] I'll tell them we're not getting married if she asks. I can't believe I was thinking of that the other day when you were at my place and now we're just.. this. [He nodded] I hope so. At least he still likes to eat, so I hope my dad likes the dinner. I aspired that ever since we rehearsed Funny Girl [he finally said something nice to her] [He gave Kurt a smile] The laugh was really the ultimate gift to my mom. It was, nothing much has happened since the time you changed his football channel and he looked up, so it's the first reaction again. And luckily this time not an annoyed one [he said, starting to feel like he was calming down a bit more] Let's take it easy, okay? I don't want to disappoint my mom if nothing happens with the photos, she's so happy now. [He looked at Anna] I'm sorry about the vacation. Maybe you can go with Kurt?

Anna: I’m not scared. I just don’t see a point in going to talk to someone when they are just going to ask questions in return. I can’t stand that. [she looked down] I guess things can change in an instant. I wish things could be different. Well, we are going to make him the best dinner. We should do his favourites. He would love that. [she smiled] I knew it! Now is your chance to be an actor then.

Kurt: [he gave Anna a small squeeze when she was beside him] Oh, that’s so good. You look a little more relieved too. Yeah, he was mad at me that day. It was a good thing you came along that day when you did. [he nodded] Whatever you want. On their time. My parents will be so happy to hear this news. Wait, what vacation? We are so going Anna!

Anna: [she felt a little out of the loop as Kurt and Harry spoke but gave Kurt a half smile when he asked about the vacation] It’s in a couple weeks. I don’t know if I can take another week off.

Harry: They do that only to find out where your problems come from. Consider it at least, okay? [He reached out to touch her but froze halfway] Me too. I am pretty sure my mom already bought all the groceries that are his favourite; I've got some things for her in my bag. .. that is if you trust me in the kitchen [he said still a little hurt] One week. We can be good for one week right? [He nodded at Kurt] It is, it's small progress. He was! I've never been so happy to see him mad. Say hi to your parents for me. Yeah.. Anna bought this huge gift of a vacation for them.. before she knew about [he didn't really finish his sentence] So.. cooking time?

Anna: Well they should find a better way. It's.. uncomfortable. I'll think about it. [she lied, knowing she couldn't do therapy] I'm sorry. I didn't know how awkward things were going to be and I didn't want to make it worse. You know we were always good together in the kitchen. What did you bring? Maybe we can incorporate both for tonight. [she nodded with a smile] One week. It will be easy. We should probably get started on cooking, yes.

Kurt: Of course, I'll make sure to tell them. Maybe we can all get together before you both leave me here in this unfortunate warm weather. Oh honey, that still sounds like a wonderful gift though! It was very thoughtful. [he tried to cheer Anna up] If you can get the time off, we'll go together! It'll be like that time we got tattoos at that parlor in NYC but just more adventurous! [he threw his hands up at the mention of cooking] Do not let me near a stove or else I will burn this place down and I kind of like your childhood home, Harry. But you know what I am good at? Drinking wine while you both cook and explain to me what I walked in on. [he looked between Anna and Harry]

Harry: Promise? [He asked her about considering a therapist] I didn't know we were gonna make things awkward. We were.. [he said a bit nostalgic about their old days in the kitchen] Mostly every ingredient to make desserts, Crème brûlée, Tiramisu, if you've got the main course I'll fix the dessert. One week. That's only 168 hours. That's not that long [he said with a frown] That would be great Kurt. Yeah, what Kurt said [he said, feeling a bit bad about not appreciating Anna's gift] You'd have a great vacation together. ... And you'd have to explain me about getting tattoos later, I already wondered where that came from. [He didn't realize that by this he had kind of just revealed he had seen Anna naked] You like my childhood home? I couldn't tell from all the time you spend here [he joked, but he looked away when Kurt did call them out on their fight this time] We were just.. talking.

Anna: Come on Harry, isn't it enough to say I'll think about it? [she sighed] It felt pretty awkward when I first came here. I was just trying to make it easier but maybe I guess I made it more awkward. [she smiled] You've thought of everything. I'll handle the main course, I'm excited to see what you can make for dessert. Well when you put it into hours, it seems like it will take forever. [she smiled at Kurt's attempt to cheer her up, still feeling guilty by not knowing] Thanks Kurt and I'll talk to the director after the break and see if he is willing to give me up for another week. I didn't realize it but I actually do miss playing her already.

Kurt: If I have to, I will come to New York and kidnap you myself if he doesn't let you! I will say I'm surprised you aren't going with Harry though. Don't tell me she's never told you about the tattoos! Oh, it was a night I don't think either of us will forget. There was a lot of alcohol involved or else this one wouldn't have been able to do it. [he chuckled] Oh, Harry. You know I do miss you until you say something like that. [he joked back] Talking or fighting? Are you together or not?

Anna: [at the mention of their argument, Anna pulled away from Kurt and tried to distract herself with chopping some vegetables] Kurt... it was nothing.. just drop it.

Harry: If you promise me.. I'll make a doctor's appointment for myself. [He hoped this would convince her] It wasn't just your fault.. I just tried to make sure we've got something every person likes.. like our old Christmas dinners. We already got one hour down? [He gave her a little smile] Should I put in a good word that you deserve a break? Or do we mess with the electrics on the building instead? [He gave Anna a look, knowing he could easily mess with their lights with his powers] She hasn't told me. We were.. too busy for that. [He got a bit red thinking of their sexy night and the piano] I think you can't force me to a tattoo even when I'm drunk. You missed me? That's so sweet [he teased him. While Anna pulled away, Harry looked at him] Kurt we ... ... it's complicated.

Anna: Harry.. you don't play fair... fine, I promise. But you're going first. [she frowned but she did want him to go and see a doctor too] I'm sure your mom will be happy to see dessert on the table then too, just like old times. Only 167 hours to go. [she caught his look when he talked about the electrics and she immediately got defensive] Do you want to keep me out of a job forever? [she went back to cutting vegetables until he said it was complicated then she dropped the knife by accident] Would you stop saying that? The only one making things complicated here is you.

Kurt: Too busy making up for lost time. [he smirked] Oh, don't worry. Heard all the details from Anna here. Nothing to be embarrassed about. As I told her, it was about time. [he winked] Now that just seems like a challenge, right Anna? Let's bring him to New York and get him a tattoo! Only because I know how much you missed me, Mr. I'm too busy to call my best friend. [he was surprised at Anna's outbreak towards Harry and he immediately walked over to her but she refused to be comforted this time]

Harry: I do what I need to to make sure you're healthy. [He ran a hand through his hair nervously] ... Fine. And I think she already loves it, even if we'd grab McDonalds she's so happy to see you both. [He held up his hands defensively] Just as long as your vacation lasts. [He jumped up when suddenly a knife dropped to the ground] Because I am trying to protect you! I don't do that on purpose. You're the one who showed up and after I thought all was good told me you only came for my parents. [Harry raised his eyebrows when Kurt told him he had gotten all their details on them being 'busy' together] She told you that? I thought that was [he cleared his throat] private. Did she give you details on the p- on everything? [He shook his head] No, no, we are not getting me a tattoo! Ahh.. I'm sorry. But you are the bestest friend ever for not hating me for not calling? I just forget these kind of things. I pick up if you'd call though?

Anna: You don't need to do that. We're not... [she stopped herself from finishing the sentence, not wanting to hash things out over again] I'll be with you the whole time, if you want. Hm, I don't think she'd be that happy about eating McDonalds for Christmas dinner but I do love seeing the smile on her face. [she gave Harry a dirty look on his comment about using electrics to get her a vacation] Challenge accepted. We will convince you to get a tattoo one night when we are all completely wasted. [she couldn't contain herself anymore, pushing Kurt away when he reached out to comfort her] No one is asking you to!! I am so tired of you treating me like I'm going to break with the tiniest piece of bad news. You too, Kurt. [she quickly shot a look at her best friend before continuing to shout at Harry] How can we be good when you lied to me for years about being alive, or about.. you know. Or about whatever it is you are still hiding from me. I won't be with someone who can't be 100% honest with me about everything. And you were.. before. That's what hurts the most out of all of this. You trusted me back then and now... it's why I feel like I don't know who you are anymore.

Kurt: I know EVERYTHING. [he exaggerated the last word] It's as private as it will be. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Just our little secret. [he winked, seeing him get a little worked up when he really knew nothing at all] Which could be this week so we should find a tattoo parlour here in San Diego for Dr, Fields here. [he laughed] I am, aren't I? And you just love me so much for not getting mad at you for not keeping in touch. You never picked up when I tried calling! [Kurt picked up the knife when Anna pushed him away, knowing she was mad and needed to vent her frustrations as she had been quite silent since he arrived. He was surprised when she called him out too.] Me? But... you guys are like an old married couple right now. [he went into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, taking it a swig right out of the bottle as he watched the scene unfold]

Harry: I’m still going to do that, no matter what. T-that would be great. [He still seemed nervous, but to him Anna seeing someone was just as important as facing his own fears] I’m truly my dad’s child, he’d think McDonalds was cool too as long as he gets something to eat. [He looked at Kurt] Now I feel awkward for you knowing all that happened. You better not tell anyone, not even drunk. [He shook his head] No way you two, I am not getting a tattoo! Not even wasted. Or I will call all tattoo parlours in San Diego now to tell them to refuse me a tattoo if I come in any time. [He gave Kurt a half hug with his arm around his shoulder] I do love you for that. .. I must have picked up sometime? Sorry for being the worst friend ever. If I can make it up to you, all you have to do is let me know how. [He let Kurt go when he tried to explain in his way what was going on, and Anna got mad at him telling things were ‘complicated’ once again] Well maybe you are going to break! You’re having the worst panic attacks for who knows how long – and I am pretty sure you probably didn’t tell Kurt about them and wouldn’t have told me if they didn’t happen around me those two times. Are we gonna do this again? I am SORRY! I can’t turn it back and you’re gonna be mad at me forever about it. I thought you knew! I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore because we were broken up for so long and I wasn’t in your life before I died. Or nearly died. Because even if you’re mad that sorry, I am alive, I almost did die and it was the worst experience of my life. Do you want me to be honest right now? Because last time I tried you did break and then told me to leave you alone. But I can’t leave you alone, because I love you. But you probably don’t believe that either because who is this guy and where is the real Harry Fields?

Anna: It'll be okay. [she tried to comfort him, sensing his nerves] You have your dad's appetite, that's for sure. I remember your dad bringing home that when your mom wasn't around for the night. I don't know how you can still eat it. [she laughed and shook her head] Oh Kurt, stop teasing him. He doesn't know anything, Harry. Well except that we slept together. Ooooh, come on! It's just a small little mark on your body and you can get anything you want. Like something doctor-y. [she couldn't believe they were having this argument again but things still felt unresolved] Just because I have panic attacks doesn't mean I am going to break!! But you're going to hold that over my head every time I ask you to be honest with me. Because you think I can't handle it or something! But considering I got through the last few years, knowing you were never going to be around, I figured it out. And Kurt does know but you were never supposed to know. You weren't even alive to me until a few months ago. I can be mad at you about not telling me for as long as I want! Because it's not fair that someone tried to take you away from me and you had to go through what you did. That the day I found out you were gone was one of the worst days of my life. That I had to go on for years not knowing the truth. And I'm mad that things could have been different. But things are different now and you've changed into someone I'm not familiar with anymore. [she whispered] And that's really scary to me. [her eyes locked with his when he said I love you] Y-You love me? [she didn't move away when he moved closer to her] You are Harry. Somewhere in there, you are. But this.. [she touched his hand for a second] is not something I was prepared for. You are part of this whole new world and new life. I don't know how I can be a part of that world.

Kurt: Anna! Why would you tell him that?! I was having fun seeing him get all embarrassed, thinking I knew every single detail. [he laughed] Calling all the parlours just sounds like a lot of unnecessary work. Just give in and let us buy you a tattoo. Or well Anna will. [he returned his hug] I think you picked up once but you were about to head into a surgery and you never called me back. Hm, I'll have to think about that and let you know.

Harry: Ohh, you two are mean! Knowing we slept together is enough, no details for you Mister Curious. No no, I so won't give in to that. Only if you get JK Rowling herself to hold my hand I will not get a tattoo. [He gave Kurt a friendly pat on his back] Sorry buddy, I just kept forgetting. Was I performing the surgery or getting a new nose again myself? [He joked] [He nodded to Anna] Oh I totally remember that. Dad's cooking days when we were young was either taking us out for fries or getting fries. He also kinda saw us as being 15 forever rather than 20 or any older age. I don't know either, I'm very keen on eating healthy, but a burger and fries are my weakness. I won't get a doctor-y tattoo, if I did I should've gotten it as a cheat sheet back in college. If I'd go insane and get a tattoo I'd want something meaningful. [He sighed, looking annoyed] Because you barely got out of the last panic attack! Even after you calmed down you were still totally freaked out. So no, I don't think you can handle it. Is crying and hyperventilating the same as figuring it out? Let me help you, please. I am alive now. Even if it's way too late, I am here now and you can stay mad forever but maybe one day I die for real and we'll both have ruined our second chance. .. I'd like to change back, if there's still a way back to whoever you still know and don't see in me anymore. I still like the same things. I still value my family. I still have a passion for the hospital. [He took a deep breath!] And yes, I still love you. [His hand grasped in the cold air when her hand was already gone before he could touch her] But can't we figure it out?.. is there not even a chance for us?

Anna: It's no wonder I went vegetarian with how many burgers I think we ate back then when your dad was cooking. I still think he looks at us as being 15 years old. Oh, don't worry Kurt. We'll chat later about all the details. [she teased Harry and gave Kurt a wink] Also, I'm pretty sure my director knows a friend of a friend to her so that could be arranged. You might want to consider what to get as a tattoo then if you want it to be something meaningful. [she crossed her arms and gave him a glare] I don't have control over these stupid attacks. I was only freaked out because I was afraid you were going to hurt me. No, I don't need your help. I was doing just fine before you came along and started playing unfair to get me to go see someone I don't even want to go see. [at the mention of him dying for real she shook her head] Don't say that. You're going to live for a long time. How can you go back to him when you're so stuck in this world? Maybe you do still have all those values but you lost the one about being a good person and not getting caught up in that horrible Southvale world. I want there to be a chance.. but I-- [Kurt interrupted them with holding mistletoe over their heads] Kurt, don't be ridiculous. This is for kids. I'm not doing this.

Kurt: You were performing one! You definitely don't need a new nose job already! [he laughed] Though I do have an idea on how you could make this up if you two would stop arguing long enough. [he pulled out some mistletoe from his pocket and walked over to the two of them, holding it above their heads] Oh oops. Looks like you both got caught until the holiday mistletoe. You know what that means. [he smiled innocently at both Harry and Anna] Kiss, make up and let's get the holiday started!

Harry: Maybe it was on me that you went vegetarian. I think my parents will never truly realize we're grown up. Hey hey, no gossiping about me or private details [he said, but more relieved this time] .... You know JK Rowling and you're only telling me this now? I could be one of those guys who tattoos 'mom' on his arm. [He frowned] I'm not saying that, but it could get better. But I wasn't going to hurt you! And I told you that exactly. Right, because you didn't have those attacks without me, or did you? Well too late, I've already said it. If anything happens to me, I don't want any of us to regret that we wasted our time. I.. I will find a way. In the future. That I caught up in this world doesn't mean I am a bad person. [He stayed quiet and said more to himself] I am not a bad person. [He suddenly looked up when Kurt interrupted them] I've thought of doing a reconstruction of my own nose, but it's never as good as the original. What are you---? [When Kurt pulled out the mistletoe, he just couldn't help letting out a laugh. It was a classic classic Kurt action] Oh my god. [He shook his head laughing] You are the worst. I don't think that's how it works though. Someone doesn't want to kiss with me and I didn't drink enough yet to kiss with you Kurt.

Anna: It wasn't on you ever that I went vegetarian. I just woke up and decided one day. Aw, why not? You're taking all the fun away from spoiling everything to Kurt. [she gave him a small pout that didn't last long because she ended up laughing] Uh.. I just remembered? No, no, no. You aren't going to be that guy. You have to be creative with what you want. Don't be basic. [she sighed] I haven't had an attack since that night so I think I'll be okay. How could you know that when you couldn't control yourself?! We wasted five years away.. just like that. [she knew she wasn't getting out of this situation knowing how Kurt could be so as Harry was talking to Kurt, she pulled him in and gave him a quick peck on the lips] There, are you happy now Kurt? Now put that mistletoe away!

Harry: I'm surprised you never tried to convince me. Well you can spoil it to Kurt but then I can never look at him again. You are so setting me up with JK Rowling someday. [He laughed] Not the 'mom' guy? And I thought you wanted me to get a tattoo so bad. [He nervously ran his fingers through his hair again] Are you sure? Those things can be tricky Anna, especially if you can't get yourself out of an attack or are alone and hurt yourself. I'd do ANYTHING not to hurt you. Then please let's not waste another five? [He was surprised when Anna actually gave in to Kurt with his mistletoe and gave him the shortest kiss ever that barely even touched his lips. He grabbed the mistletoe from Kurt's hand, holding it above their heads and placing one hand behind Anna's head when he pressed his lips on hers and kissed her again, for real this time]

Anna: You couldn't last one week without some sort of protein. Don't worry, he won't know a thing. I'm just teasing. It was our special night. [she smiled] Only if I can get through my director and his friend and then his friend to talk to JK herself. But she's in New York often. [she shook her head] I do want you to get a tattoo. But it's permanent, do you really want mom on your skin for the rest of your life? I told you, I've had them for five years now, I think I can get myself out of one if it ever comes up again. Harry.. please... [she thought the first kiss was enough but she was surprised when he pulled her in for another kiss, this time it lasted longer than her two second kiss. She took a step closer to him and wrapped her arms around his torso. Her lips moved with his, deepening it after a minute]

Harry: Probably not, I'm quite sure I'd faint at some point. It was.. special [he said and answered her smile with a smile too] Is it bad that I'm already getting excited? I know she's super busy and all. Argh, I still don't know. I don't even know how you got through a tattoo with your fear of needles! You're right, I should probably get another name and tattoo 'Kurt' on my arm [he said with a smile to Kurt] I care about you, Anna. [He almost expected her to pull away, like she had pushed him away when he tried to hold her at his house during her panic attack. But to his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him. He let his fingers go through her hair while he opened his mouth a little, showing he had missed her so much]

Anna: Right, so you're not allowed to be a vegetarian. I can't do CRP or whatever it's called remember? [she shook her head with a smile] You're such a nerd. [she teased him] Don't get too excited though in case it doesn't work out. I told you, there was a lot of alcohol involved! And I'm pretty sure I was crying the entire time. I really don't remember much of the night but I picked the right tattoo though. Noooo, don't get a name! Get a picture. Like a heart or even a date that means something special to you. You know I care about you too, Harry. [all of the emotions she had been trying to hide came out in his kiss and she didn't want it to end, closing the distance between them as her hands moved up to touch his face]

Kurt: [he wasn't expecting what he was watching in front of them and the moment he got to be uncomfortable for him, he interrupted them] Oh get a room you two! [he stole his mistletoe back from Harry and put it in his pocket] Are we going to cook here tonight or are you just going to go upstairs and finish what I know you both want to do?

Harry: I remember, and you will still need to change that! Well you liked that nerd back in high school. Okay, I'll try to be just a tiny bit excited. See, that sounds more like you! I couldn't just imagine you happily getting in that chair and getting a needle near you without complaining. You gotta show me that tattoo again later though. And Kurt's tattoo! A picture? That sounds even worse, like getting someone's face on your arm. I hoped you still do. [He kissed her back intensely and was just halfway making it a french kiss when Kurt interrupted him and he pulled away] Do I have a choice of answering that? [he asked and laughed] Okay, let's go cook!

#[ • para || christmas time part one ]

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gaygothgenderconfused · 6 years

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L E S B I A N for the musical asks :)

That you sent me LESBIAN anon, I’m dying, YES!!!

L (a playlist on your ipod): Lmaoooo okay, I have many playlists. Some are on themes according to mood or season, some are grouped by artist or vibe, etc. My favorites are my ‘now’ playlists. I dump everything I am ‘presently’ listening to a bunch into one playlist called ‘now’. After a few months, I add a date to that playlist (it’ll be like ‘Now 2018 Spring’) and then I make a new, fresh ‘now’ playlist and start it all over again! It stretches back a couple years at this point, since I always keep the old ones. It’s neat to see what I was listening to during different periods of time. For example, during Fall of 2016 I was listening to Kim Kwang-seok, Hank Williams lmfao, Winner, and Mylène Farmer!

E (favorite song from the year I was born): Okay, so I was born in 1991…hmm. ‘Our Frank’ by Morrissey?

S (artist you have the most merch from): Love this question. It’s probably Malice Mizer (I have a bunch of CDs, DVDs, photobooks, etc). Actually though, recently I’ve been getting a bunch of Gerard Way shit that’ll probably end up surpassing that. I’ve got the Hesitant Alien album, the picture disc, the Pinkish EP, THE LOLA STUFFED ANIMAL, the Hesitant Alien zine, some random magazines that Gerard is in, the Lola socks are on their way, oh and I have a bunch of his comics shit like Doom Patrol, Killjoys, Umbrella Academy, and the Secret Loves of Geeks he contributed to. I really want the Boyzine thing he did though, that’s my next goal. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to track a copy down however, unfortunately. Seems hard to find. I’ll keep posting about it and hoping though, hahahahah!

B (Top 5 albums): GODDDD THIS IS GONNA BE SO HARD!!!!!!!! Okay, keep in mind this isn’t in any particular order I couldn’t possibly rank these.

1- Soft Ballet: Incubate. It’s early 1990s, new wave, synth pop REALNESS! Also my fave song of all time, ‘Engaging Universe’, is on here! Woo, it was hard to pick my Top 5 albums though, I nearly put Ippu-Do’s Radio Fantasy or YMO’S Naughty Boys instead! But yeah, ultimately, I put Incubate instead because hmm…there’s something, I’m not sure, otherworldly and philosophical about it. I listen to this album to think. Not sure why. There’s something special about ‘Deep-Sets.’)

2- Malice Mizer: all their albums BINCH!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA If I had to pick though yeah, Merveilles…but honestly Bara is beyond good, too…and memoire…I genuinely like all of them, I do. I guess Merveilles best represents their spirit though, as a band? As an art project? Idk, and Merveilles I listened to a lot as a teenager when times were rough and so I’m really attached to the fantasy world they created with that album. It’s like I could leave wherever I was and go there, you know?

3- Susumu Hirasawa: Sim City. This album is so beautiful and meaningful to me. It’s about Susumu’s take on Thailand as a city of the future, as a place where people take their bodies and destinies into their own hands. He was very interested in the transgender women he met there, and befriended several. One, Lady N, is featured on the cover of the album and does some spoken word stuff on the album. I believe she came on his tour for the album too. Hahaha, most of my fave shit has to do with gender/trans/sexuality shit hahaha. It was a hard toss up between that and one of his other albums, Philosopher’s Propeller, which was the basis for the Millenium Actress film soundtrack!

4- Gerard Way: Hesitant Alien– WOOOOO!!! I had to limit myself to 1 Gerard item, otherwise, MCR would fill this shit up too fast! But yeah Hesitant Alien is what got me truly into him because, believe it or not, I’m late to the Gerard train! Only got into him like, 3 years ago, and only truly became a fan for maybe 2 years now. I was too busy with Malice Mizer and visual kei as a teen to notice MCR, or really a lot of things that were big for kids my age then! Like I really have...no affinity for most the rest of emo from that time period, aside from The Used (and obvi MCR). But anyway yeah this album makes me laugh and cry! The song Brother is like a feel I feel…even though I don’t have a nice brother like Gerard does. Also just musically I’m impressed by Gerard’s constant evolution soundwise overtime. He reminds me Bowie that way, always evolving. I have many artists that I enjoy that are more static– there’s defs something to be enjoyed in that consistency, but yeah, I totally admire when somebody can gracefully evolve as an artist over time. It’s not easy.

5- Amadeus - Mikan No Gosenfu To Kurayami No Meikyuu. They’re on some early 2000s, symphonic, operatic, indie visual kei realness! This album shaped a lot of my musical and aesthetic sensibilities for years to come. Although it’s cheap, it was such an ambitious record, such an ambitious project. You can feel a scope that isn’t usually present in an indie band. Defs a band that I wish had made it, but was pretty much doomed to never make it.

Honorable mention: David Bowie’s Hunky Dory changed my life!!!!

(I own them all! They’re all important to me!)

I (an artist you don’t like): Normal, uncreative stuff… I’m not even getting specific because then I’d have to like, think about who I dislike and then I wouldn’t be able to get their songs out of my head, hahahaha! Besides, eh, having some musical tastes that are niche or ‘unique’ (though there is defs mainstream stuff I like as well) I’m sensitive to not stepping on other people’s toes about music. I feel like the stuff I like gets shat on as weird/“shallow”/overly focused on visuals (whatever that even means like??? as if you can’t, idk, potentially attend to visual and musical and lyrical artistry at once HAHAHAHA) so I tend to not mention if I’m not into something, unless I’m speaking to somebody who I know for sure isn’t into that shit. But yeah, I can narrow it down to a genre…probably ‘normal rock’. Rock music where it’s like the same chord progressions you hear in a million different bands? That gets to me a bit, er, a lot. Sounds like a drone. Makes me bored and sad LMFAO!!!!

A (guilty pleasure): One Direction! Specifically, their album Four. Idk if that’s ‘guilty’ though because I’m pretty open about it. I certainly don’t feel bad about it. I think I own Four…or did I just download it? I can’t remember.

N (a song you haven’t listened to in a long time but you love): Aw ;.; Man this makes me nostalgic. Probably ‘Green’ from Klaha’s solo album, Nostal Lab. That whole album and the personal symbolism of idk, his many sides through the prism, the past cutting through the future and back again (nostal is short for ‘nostalgic’), it just makes me feel things so I don’t tend to listen to it. Aw, I loved him so much. I used to spend every Christmas/New Years when I was a kid watching his blog, hoping he’d post again. His site is gone now. I think the guy’s just done with music and public life, you know? Hoping wherever he is though, that he’s okay.

Thanks for a good ask, anon :)

#anon #ask #personal #gerard way #hesitant alien #soft ballet #malice mizer #amadeus #klaha #one direction #susumu hirasawa

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iseutz · 6 years

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Chapter One

The girls all thought that Julian Devorak was a loonie, but also that he was really handsome. That was the exact word; not hot, dreamy or sexy: handsome. He appeared to have the strongest bad boy charm, with his leather boots and auburn hair, and –apparently- a smile so sweet you would have sold your mama to buy him smokes. Despite his glamour, tho, I never met a girl who actually had any first-hand experience of the boy: he was too much, they said, with his coat that looked like a cloak and that pirate eyepatch. The kid tried too hard. And he was a junkie, everybody knew that.

I knew for a fact that he wasn’t, because my best friend was his sister Portia and thanks to her I had a much less romanticized image of him: it’s hard to find intriguing someone when you hear him constantly being referred to as “Dummy” and “Banana boy”. Quite surprisingly, though, I had never seen him. I wasn’t a “going out” girl (we lived too far from the city center) and he was bigger than us, went to med school and wasn’t simply around the time that I was. When I met him, anyway, he managed to make the whole thing unforgettable.

I was fifteen, almost sixteen and in full high school flow: I started my first year as a quiet wallflower, just like I spent the whole secondary school, to avoid bullies. I gave off extraordinary punching ball vibes and the last three years had been nothing short of atrocious, so I was prepared to keep the lowest profile possible at Vesuvia High. But then, something happened; or rather it didn’t: kids acted normally with me. Even the bunch that came from my old school, once in the bigger pond became neutral to me. Everybody was too nervous for the new environment, too eager to get into its game, to care about me. And I cautiously raised my head and started too look around. I allowed myself a personality and, even though I never became popular I escaped the “nerd” label for this time (and I’m talking about the late ‘90s, when nerd wasn’t really in). That’s when I met Portia, in literature class; she was, bluntly speaking, the sole properly alphabetized person in the class, and she enjoyed books, too: we bonded over a copy of Of Love and Other Demons and by the end of the hour we were pretty sure to be soulmates. I spent a lot of afternoon at her place, with the excuse to study, watching videos on Mtv. They still had music videos… good days. In all this, I never ran into Julian; there had been signs of his presence, of course- a door closing when I arrived, music playing from his room, a lot of bands t-shirts drying on the rack in the bathroom, but all in all in all he looked like a guy who liked to guard his personal space, and he kept religiously away from our girl time.

When I finally met him, I was into band t-shirts myself: I was well halfway my second year, and the times were ripe for me to dive headfirst into my rebellious phase: I wore a lot of black kajal, black clothes and leather cuffs, and I tried with every mean to look different and mysterious. It wasn’t a bold choice: grunge was still all the rage and a lot of girls wore torn pants and Dr Martens. I tried to look more on the gothic/punk side, but back then spiked collars and velvet dresses were harder to find than you think, and I didn’t have a lot of money. In the pictures from those years I look decently ridiculous, but I was sixteen and those clothes were my armor.

The t-shirt I was wearing that night sported a full-body Marilyn Manson wearing a guepière and a collection of bleeding cuts. My mother hated it with a passion, and I hadn’t permission to wear it at school, but this evening it boldly adorned my otherwise scrawny chest while me and Portia lounged on the velvet sofa of her living room, listlessly zapping from channel to channel. It had been pouring for hours and I was cringing at the thought of the half-an-hour-by-bike that awaited me on my way home; I had been pushing the thought away hour after hour, delving in a long and detailed discussion concerning the Guns ‘n Roses members and their most probable bedding habits: Portia had a thing for Duff McKagan and the unwritten rule of our friendship was to always enable the other part’s fantasies, especially those about rockstars or fiction characters; we could happily spend hours sorting all the characters from The Lost Boys from best to worst musicians. Today we’d call it headcanoning.

7 PM and I had no more excuses. I sat up, every inch of my body dripping reluctance “Well, I have to go”.

-But it’s raining cats and dogs- Portia looked up from her mandala coloring book. Man, were we into that shit. -I know, but I have to be home for dinner. I wouldn’t say no to a little flu… maybe I can skip math test tomorrow. -Are you sure?- Portia followed me into the doorway. I smelled the dinner that Mazelinka had already started cooking. Mazelinka was a family friend; Portia called her “aunt”, but she wasn’t a relative, just a friend from Granma Devorak, and when the kids had moved to the city they had come to live with her. Portia and Julian came from Nevivon, and it was common that young people were sent from their families to Vesuvia to attend high school or college. Hopes on education as a gateway for a better future appeared well founded, back then.

Judging from the smell, it was some sort of goulash; I’ve never seen Mazelinka cook anything that wasn’t floating in a pond of soup, but all of her creations were delicious.

-Selendri! Are you staying for dinner?- She shouted at me from the kitchen.

-No, thank you Mazelinka, but I have have to be home for dinner and I have to leave now with the bike.

-Nonsense! It’s raining. Ilya will drive you. ILYAAAAAAAA!- she shouted without awaiting for my answer.

-But… my bike…- I weekly objected while Mazelinka shouted instructions over my voice. An unintelligible grumble came from the other end of the doorway.

-I will bring it to you tomorrow at school- smiled Portia. She walked to school, so it wasn’t a big deal to her. Oh well, my father would have driven me for one day. I moved towards the coat hanger to get my jacket, testing the wall with my hand to find the light switch. When I turned it on, Julian was standing by the coat hanger, froze in a hunched position while he was putting on his cloak, blinking like an owl in the sudden brightness.

He was as tall as the hanger, probably taller, with a wild tuft of hair falling on his right eye. He was wearing his black eyepatch and a pair of bright red tartan pants and home slippers still on. Sid Vicious in soft pants. I smiled awkwardly covering the distance between us. While I played with enthusiasm the role of the entertainer amongst my handful of friends I was still extremely uneased meeting someone for the first time, and spending the long trip home with my best friend’s ill-reputed brother was going to be demanding on me. However, I was also curious of such a subject, and I did want to make a good impression.

He gave me half a smile in response, hopping on a foot as he was putting on one boot. We spent some time in silence as he tied a couple of yards of shoelace up to his calves, then we moved to the kitchen to wave our last goodbyes.

-You never met Ilya before, did you?- asked Mazelinka, pointing at him with a wooden spoon. –Don’t let him scare you just because he’s in a pirate phase.

-See you later, Mazelinka- Julian talked over, and he turned to open the main door. I hurried after him as he went down the outer stairs. Mazelinka’s house was a two-story old house; the proper apartment was at the first floor, while the ground floor was a single room full of tables, old chairs and sofas and an even older kitchen counter covered in mason jars. Mazelinka spent all of her time there, making jam and possibly liquor and going upstairs only to cook and sleep. The house had a private garden-slash-parking lot, I really don’t know how to describe it: there were flower bushes and fruit trees, but it was mainly gravel and the only car of the family – Julian’s car – slept there. It was an old Volvo, the kind with pop-up headlamps, predictably black. We got inside as quickly as possible.

-When she says pirate phase- Julian said abruptly. –She means that I don’t want to wear my prosthetic eye.

I said nothing; it was a debut too personal and couldn’t find a word to say. Julian continued, unfazed by my silence.

-It’s not even correct: I am wearing my prosthetic, even now. I don’t like how it feels without it. But it doesn’t move… well, it does, but it’s never really in sync with the other eye, and it looks weird. I prefer to wear the eyepatch, and if that makes me a pirate, then so be it – he turned to look at me. – I’m telling you because I know what people say and… well, now you know it’s not an act. Spread the word, ok?

-Ok… uhm, wanna know my address?

-It might be useful, thanks.

I explained him how to reach my condo while he fumbled with the CD player and turned on some music. I didn’t know the song, but the singer’s voice sounded familiar, so I ventured a guess:

-Nine Inch Nails?

-Oooh- he grinned. –Glad to know that you’re into some actual music.

-Got a problem with Mr. Manson? – I was ready to fight whoever dissed my beloved reverend. I had a serious crush on the man; I’ve always had a soft spot for lanky guys with big noses.

-Mmmmh. The music itself is not that bad, but he’s… too loud. Too much make up, too much provocative shit. I just don’t buy it.

-Many good artists have flashy looks. Think about Kiss.

-Hah!- a raucous bark of a laughter. – You like Kiss? How old are you?!?

-I’m old enough to appreciate good music, thank you very much. And what about Bowie?

-Are you seriously comparing Marilyn Manson to David Bowie?

He had a point. –No, I guess I’m not.

-You’re forgiven. Want a cigarette?- he fished a packet from the pocket of his coat, squirming in the car seat to get it. He was really, really tall. His legs looked never ending.

-They would smell it at home- I replied unhappily.

-Don’t worry, I have gums. Mazelinka never found out I smoke. Or perhaps she doesn’t care. Here – he moved the packet in my direction and I helped myself. He also tried to light it up for me, but I was sitting on his blind side, so I had to steady his hand in mine to complete the task without accidents. He didn’t seem to notice; his attention was elsewhere.

-Do you hear it too?- He asked.

-Hear what?

-A rattling noise… it comes from your side of the car.

Sure enough, something was rattling and tumbling and it came from under my seat.

-There must be something underneath…- I reached my arm and felt around with my hand. – It’s a beer can. A full one- I announced pulling it out.

-Marvellous! This is a gift from above and we must honor it- his hand extended in my direction and I put the can into his grasp before he grabbed something else by mistake. He opened it with a hand, keeping it beneath his thighs, and took a long gulp.

-Wow- I giggled nervously. –Smoking, drinking and driving in the rain. You like to live dangerously.

He looked at me for a long moment, his expression unreadable.

-You’re right – he said, and for a while he just drove in silence. I busied myself feeling stupid and childish until he steered the wheel unexpectedly, entering a small parking lot.

-What are you doing?

-I refrain from putting our lives in danger – before I could find something to say, he had parked, reclined his seat and eased himself with an arm under his head and the beer in his hand. The glint of his cigarette danced in the halflight as he happily sighed:

-That’s life. God, I love simple things.

Well, here it is: first chapter of my 90′s nostalgic Modern AU. Nothing really happens in this chapter, but that’s an introcution, for you. You still get to meet Ilya, tho. I couldn’t find a title, so suggestions - as well as feedback- are welcomed!

#fan fiction #fan fic #modern au #the arcana #the arcana game #@thearcanagame #julian devorak #portia devorak #mazelinka #oc apprentice #selendri

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freddielocks · 4 years

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Here are, by Discogs' ratings, the 10 most valuable singles in my collection. The descriptions will aim to give you as much detail as they can about each, if there's any terminology that needs explaining just ask!

They'll go in reverse order:

10) John's Children - Desdemona

B-side: Remember Thomas a Becket

Label: Track, cat 604003

Year: 1967

Highest sold for on Discogs: £122

Rare Record Price Guide Value (in mint near unplayed condition): £150

Price paid: £30 on eBay

Condition: Record and sleeve VG (some noise)

This Desdemona, the rarest of all the singles I own by my hero Marc Bolan, is made much more valuable as it has the rare picture sleeve, an oddity for British singles at the time. Both sides are decent mod tracks and the A-side was banned by the BBC for the lyrics 'Lift up your skirt and fly' which Bolan maintained was about a witch.

9) Nicky James - So Glad We Made It

A-side: I Need To Be Needed

Label: Philips, cat BF 1566

Year: 1967

Highest on Discogs: £140

RRPG mint Value: £7 (!)

Price paid: 40p in Plastic Wax Records

Condition: Solid VG (edge cracked but not affecting grooves)

Nicky James aka 'Thunderthroat' was a big voiced but obscure singer, who came close to hits and almost joined the Moody Blues, who later went on to enormous success, signing him to their record label Threshold. I found this after hours of searching and got really excited (confused stares in the shop) and got it home only to see its low book value. However, it was not listed on Discogs, and so I put it in the database myself, to find a few years later that the B-side is considered a collectible Northern Soul record and it had started to sell for way more money! Not my favourite record by him though, which is Reaching For The Sun.

8) The Creation - Making Time

B-side: Try And Stop Me

Label: Planet, cat PLF 116

Year: 1966, charted at #49 for 1 week

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book value: £35 (would be £50 with sleeve)

Price paid: £25 on Discogs (lucky!)

Condition: largely VG+ but one deeper scratch causes pops

The mod band The Creation were rivals to the Who in their heyday, and this aggressive punky single, produced by the renowned Shel Talmy and issued on his (uber-cool) Planet label, showcases their talent, as well as the invention of playing the electric guitar with a violin bow to crunchy effect! It's a classic and a must-have for any collector.

7) The Misunderstood - I Can Take You To The Sun

B-side: Who Do You Love

Label: Fontana, cat. TF 777

Year: 1966

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book value: £80

Price paid: 50p in a warehouse clearance in Cadoxton, Wales

Condition: it appears that this was left by the radiator at some point, and it's a bit wavey around the edge. This causes a few wobbles in the sound and a little sizzle at the end, but still listenable

The Misunderstood were a mysterious American outfit, who only released this single while in their original line up, with the dual guitars of Englishman Tony Hill and Glenn Ross Campbell (not the famous one). 1966 puts it at the cutting edge of psychedelia, and both tracks are amazing and utter classics, with the A-side taking you to space and back and the B-side being the most screechy Bo Diddley cover ever! It was a dream to find a copy in the dingiest place in the world, and well worth the damp knees and hours without any natural light.

6) The Maytones - Botheration and The G.G. Rhythm Section - TNT

Label: Blue Cat, cat. (Haha) BS 165

Year: 1969

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book price: £35

Paid: it's still a secret but it's around £30-35, from Plastic Wax

Condition: solid VG again, which for a reggae/rocksteady single is practically a dream.

This single split between two artists very popular in Jamaica (The G.G. All Stars were connected to pioneer Ernest Ranglin) was released on the Blue Cat label, arguably the rarest of the numerous sub-labels of legendary company Trojan Records. Both sides are chilled rocksteady and among the label's best work, justifying the steep rise in prices for it. My reggae buying career has been essentially for the labels they were released on, but this was a huge coup as it was a brilliant record too!

5) James Royal - I Can't Stand It

B-side: A Little Bit Of Rain

Label: CBS, cat. 2959

Year: 1967

Highest on Discogs (and only sale to date): £150

Book price: £125

Price paid: 50p in Rick's Records (rip), Hastings

Condition: looks utterly trashed and has a small crack going into the playing surface alas. However it plays very well given its appearance - it's loud!

James Royal is not a well known name - he made a fair few singles before joining a covers band and leaving the big time for Australia, having played with a host of future stars (Rick Wakeman of Yes, John Entwistle of the Who, Nick Simper from Deep Purple) along the way. This classy two-sider is his rarest record and shows his vocals to great effect against an amazingly lavish production. As usual with soul records, the demo copy (which amazingly was the reason I didn't leave it in the box for so cheap!) doubles the value, although any copy of this fetches big prices - that £150 is looking a little low. I more treasure it because musically it's superb. Check it out!

4) Kaleidoscope - A Dream For Julie

B-side: Please Excuse My Face

Label: Fontana, cat. TF 895

Year: 1968

Highest Discogs: £175

Book price: £40

Paid: £5 on eBay

Condition: has a crack which has led to a small piece missing. I have just about got it to play without the needle getting stuck in there. You can appreciate this one's a 'collection filler' (for someone who didn't care - I bought it for the music obviously!)

Kaleidoscope are a now legendary English psych-pop outfit, who narrowly missed success both in this form, making waves with 'Flight From Ashiya' (which I also own after a long and arduous search) and as their later Fairfield Parlour incarnation, scoring a near-hit with 'Bordeaux Rosé'. As I Luv Wight they recorded the theme for the Isle Of Wight Festival in 1970, but the festival DJ ignored instructions to play it in between every act and tossed his copy into the crowd (it was perhaps a little too advanced, but I like it (and own it)). A Dream For Julie is a bizarre danceable record with sheer nonsense lyrics ('Mexican clowns' and 'strawberry monkeys' surround Julie for starters). The B-side is typically mellow and stately.

3) The Kinks - Long Tall Sally

B-side: I Took My Baby Home

Label: Pye, cat. 7N.15611

Year: 1964

Highest on Discogs: £207

Book price: £120

Paid: £16 on eBay

Condition: VG playing above grade - a surprisingly great copy! Probably one of the best in this list

The Kinks need no introduction, but this was their first ever single released just two records before You Really Got Me practcially invented fuzz guitar and changed rock forever. Both sides are snappy beat numbers with character and the characteristic weird vocals of Ray Davies. eBay does have miracles - this bidding war happened in prime hours (8pm) and I held on by 50p or so, for a record which otherwise would fetch much higher and has a huge collector's market in beat and Kinks fans alike.

2) Crocheted Doughnut Ring - Two Little Ladies (Azalea and Rhododendron)

B-side: Nice

Year: 1967

Label: Polydor, cat. 56204

Highest on Discogs: £307

Book value: £40

Paid: £12.50 on eBay

Condition: VG-, crackles a fair bit as both sides are quiet.

The (Crocheted) Doughnut Ring were an obscure outfit who issued around four singles in the late 60s. This record's A-side is a rather meandering psych-pop affair which is rather soft. Having no other material for a B-side, producer Peter Eden (who lent his talents to a whole other bunch of records and adds collectibility) fooled around with the A-side tapes and created an incredible soundscape - inventing ambient music in 1967! There's nothing else like it for at least another four years, when Brian Eno and Robert Fripp released (No Pussyfooting) (which I do own, and yes, the brackets are part of the title), the first major incidence of tape manipulation in popular music after The CDR's accident!

1) The Spectres - I (Who Have Nothing)

B-side: Neighbour Neighbour

Label: Piccadilly, cat. 7N.35339

Year: 1966

Highest on Discogs: £350

Book value: £300

Paid: Nothing! This was in my aunt's garage in Manchester, although mum has no idea who owned it in the first place - mysterious Auntie Laura was the only candidate. Other records in the box were also rare, causing disbelief as mum thought they were awful!

Condition: incredibly for a record stored without any protective sleeve in a flimsy box in the dankest most cluttered garage in existence, it's a solid VG with great sound.

This record, the first of three, was the first recorded appearance of Status Quo! This creates its incredible value, although it is the most common of the three (not saying much). Both sides are not brilliant versions of standards recorded by lots of bands, although I (like others) have a soft spot for the B-side, which is an R&B number with traces of the psychedelic sound early Quo (before they decided to only write songs with three chords!) were to hit success with, as Pictures of Matchstick Men became a top 10 hit. In between the Spectres and that single, the band were known as Traffic Jam, and the Almost But Not Quite There (accurate name!) single is the most sought after. My aunt nearly threw it away! Jesus!

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thelankyrandman-blog · 7 years

Text

Annotated Album-A-Day List:

Alphabetical Order: January - June 2017

So this is every album I listened to from January to the end of June. Every one has a quick opinion of mine. Let me know what you think of my thoughts if you know the albums or decide to check them out!! Happy listening!!

Actress - AZD: A solid electronic album that messes with sound in some very interesting ways. Worth a listen but it hasn’t been pulling me back as much as I would have hoped.

America - America: Really enjoyable classic folk rock that most definitely was influential. They do a great job layering their tracks with percussion and a fleet of guitars. Donkey Jaw is probably my favorite track due to how hard it rocks out (for folk) at a few points. If you like folk, you’ll enjoy this album quite a bit.

Anderson .Paak - Malibu: Sweet Kraken!! This album is fantastic! It’s groovy, smooth, sexy and has some nice hip hop flavor to it. It gets a little long with some more fatty songs, but I can’t stop going back to it.

Angel Olsen - Half Way Home: Honestly, this isn’t my cup of tea. It’s just a bit too twangy for my taste. If you like country a lot, check it out.

Animal Collective - Marriweather Post Pavilion: This album is a wall of sound. There are no empty spaces in any song. If there was empty space at any point they popped in another synth layer, or another vocal track to fill the gap. This is what makes this album unique. It sounds like nothing else from that time where rock bands were going for more stripped down sounds with kitschy melodies played on xylophones while their acoustics shit out the same chords over and over. This showed that Animal Collective wasn't like the rest of the “indie” rock bands of the day.

The Avalanches - Since I Left You: What an incredible album! This is what electronic albums should use as a baseline and it’s influence has been seen since it released in 2000. This is a sample album, so every sound used on it is taken from something else. While that sounds like it may be a bit derivative or outright copying, it isn’t. They are able to create utterly new and unique sounds and songs that will no doubt blow you away. Also, this album has a near impeccable flow from track to track. A must listen.

BADBADNOTGOOD - BBNG: This is a great jazz album with some hip hop influence. It’s even better if you’re into video games because of their covers of songs off of the Zelda soundtrack. Even if you are not familiar with those though, this album is worth your time. And I’m sick of Giant Steps too.

Beach House - Depression Cherry: If you like dream pop, this is the album for you. It’s spacey, catchy and clean. If you’re looking for variety though, go somewhere else. This is very much an album from a band who has found their sound and is sticking with it.

Blank Banshee - Mega: This is a weird album. It’s some good electronic music, but the songs started to blend together in my mind, and when it was over, I was surprised I had listened to an entire album.

Big L - Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous: You can’t go wrong with Big L! His rhymes were incredible and his lyrics were nasty. It’s not often that you find more accessible horror core.

Big L - The Big Picture: Another solid album, but it has a little weirdness to it considering that it is a posthumous album. Big L will spit a verse then Jay Z will come on and finish up with a respectful rest in peace to the man of the hour. It feels incredibly odd, but weirdly special.

Bob Dylan - Empire Burlesque: Ooffa dooffa! This is a bad album. There is such a palpable lack of effort on this album that kills me when I listen to it. Dylan was just going track by track hitting the highs and lows that he knew would sell. It just feels like a lazy album that doesn’t even remotely stand out as a good one in his career. If you love Bob Dylan I’d say check it out to have more of an appreciation for his good stuff, but otherwise maybe skip this one.

Boogie Down Productions - Criminal Minded: Fucking classic masterpiece. Required listening. ’Nuff said.

Capital STEEZ - AmeriKKKan Korruption: Man, this is such a solid record, it sucks so bad that STEEZ took his own life. His topics and flows feel good and his beats are that nice and comfortable Pro • Era style.

Carly Rae Jepsen - E•MO•TION: This album has no right to be as awesome as it is. I was expecting some pop drivel that I’ve heard since birth just regurgitated for the billionth time because producers know that it will make money, but Jepsen actually knocks it out of the park with an original pop album. My only gripe is the lack of lyrical variety, but it doesn’t drag the album down too much.

Chance the Rapper - 10 Day: Man, it’s crazy to think that a 17 year old Chance was able to put this together. It’s tight, it’s mean and god damn is it solid. With the ethos surrounding it I wasn’t expecting such a great mixtape, but man, does he deliver with it.

Chance the Rapper - Acid Rap: This is the best Chance mixtape in my opinion. With the exception of the extended period of silence in the first half, the album has a great pace peaking with Cocoa Butter Kisses. Chance finds his style here and never has it been as strong!

Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book: Coloring Book is great, don’t get me wrong, especially with songs like No Problem but this album drags. It hits about the halfway point and runs head first into a brick wall with some of the most skippable tracks that Chance has ever made.

Charles Mingus - Mingus Ah Um: I mean… It’s Mingus, obviously it’s amazing.

Childish Gambino - Because the Internet: I wanted to like this album so badly. I love Donald Glover in almost every other avenue, but as a rapper his style isn’t distinct enough, his lyrics can be half baked, and his sense of pacing is sorely lacking. This is another album that’s first half is stacked well, so when the second half comes in all you want to do is take a nap.

Childish Gambino - Awaken, My Love: Now this, this is where I think Glover should be going. This album is better than Because the Internet in every way. From song writing to the production, not to mention the more obvious fit of the new genre he decided to tackle. With the exception of California, every song is pretty solid.

Clarence Clarity - No Now: I literally can’t get enough of this album. It’s so weird and perfect. Clarence Clarity creates pop songs with somewhat familiar sounds and distorts them beyond a sane level. They sound like they were made in space and that’s what makes the album so compelling. Each time I listen I hear a new song in the track listing. Also, Cancer in the Water is such an incredibly powerful track!

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Crosby, Stills & Nash: Coming out in 1969 Crosby, Stills & Nash began their journey to become on of the best folk bands of all time. They basically created modern folk as we know it, so if you enjoy Fleet Foxes or Mumford and Sons then do yourself a favor and check out their stuff. It has an older style but it still has acoustic guitars and beautiful vocals.

Crywank - Tomorrow is Nearly Yesterday and Everyday is Stupid: I found this album incredibly randomly and wasn’t shocked or disappointed with it. It’s fine. It has some catchy tunes and deals with some heavier emotions like existential dread and depression, but unfortunately sometimes it just comes off as a little whiny.

(Quick Danny Brown Note: I’m a huge Danny Brown fan, but he isn’t for everyone because of his unique sound, don’t be discouraged if you don’t like him)

Danny Brown - The Hybrid: If there has ever been an album that has shown potential, it’s The Hybrid. Danny Comes through with a great tape with his signature two styles of songs, the more party based ones, and the serious ones.

Danny Brown - XXX: Man. This album is good. Every song is good. Every. Fucking. One. Danny does this cool thing too where he changes hist style on the fly. The first half of the album is crazy. Danny raps about drugs women and partying while using his unique higher pitched vocals. Then the second half is a much more toned down serious sounding bunch of tracks that deal with more difficult topics. Instant classic.

Danny Brown - Old: Old is another strong album from Danny, but can get a little patchy at the very end. But man, I can’t stop listening to it. Dip stands out as one of the coolest sounding tracks that Danny’s put out.

Danny Brown - Atrocity Exhibition: Jeezers peezers, what a goddamn album!! This is one of Danny’s (I’m assuming there will be more) magnum opuses. This album gets weird. The production on the first track gives us the perfect tone for this record, that coincide with the lyrics that just tell us that something is off. And every other track works towards this idea. Ain’t it Funny feels like this massive cry for help and Really Doe is a perfect track talking about the problems in the rap game. This is another must listen.

Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism: This album is fantastic. I’m not a huge Death Cab fan, partially due to a lack of knowledge of them and partially due to the singers voice, but this album is undeniably good. It his some raw emotions with perfectly crafted music to back it up. I will be coming back to this album again and again.

Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs: I Will Possess Your Heart is an awesome 8-minute track that feels anxious and perfectly repetitive, but this album drags. The pacing here is an issue. By the end of the album I was ready to bail and finally be done with it. There are some good tracks, but there are too many duds.

(Quick Death Grips Note: I’m also a huge Death Grips fan, they are incredibly aggressive and experimental hip hop, not for everyone but give them a shot, good to use as a gaming soundtrack for the first time you listen to them so your brain can get used to their sound)

Death Grips - Exmilitary: Death Grips sounds so incredibly different from any of their other albums on this mixtape, but that’s what makes it so compelling. Their unique use of sampling mixed with MC Ride’s classic shouting delivery packs a massive punch to your ears and gut. It’s abrasive, but you can’t help but jam along with it.

Death Grips - The Money Store: This album is probably perfect. I wouldn’t cut a single song from its 40-minute runtime that ends much much too short. This album is mandatory listening. It’s abrasive, catchy, disgusting and aggressive. It makes you want to scream out into the night with a big “fuck you!”

Death Grips - No Love Deep Web: Where could Death Grips go after the money store? Darker. This album looses any sense of light which makes it feel like Ride is forcing rocks into your ear canals, but these emotions feel right at home in Death Grips unique sound.

Death Grips - Government Plates: This album starts off incredibly strong, hitting a great stride with Birds. As it goes on it slowly looses its footing, and Ride’s vocals which makes for a slightly lackluster album. Yet, it still keeps me coming back for the first half and the last two tracks.

Death Grips - Fashion Week: There are some great instrumentals here, but I had two problems with it. First, it is hard to call it Death Grips without MC Ride screaming murderous lines into my head, and second the album has very little focus musically. It ends up being a bit long for it’s own good and misses a few great places to end in favor of an incredibly abrupt ending.

Death Grips - The Powers That B: This two parter is interesting. Most critics prefer the second half like I do, but I still enjoyed the first part quite a bit. But man, Jenny Death (disc 2) ends up blasting Ni**as on the Moon out of the water with it’s punk rock influences, something that they would later touch more on in Bottomless Pit.

Death Grips - Interview 2016 EP: This is a strong instrumental album that is a perfect length. It feels less criminal in its exclusion of MC Ride than Fashion Week does, but I could always use more Ride.

Death Grips - Bottomless Pit: Shit, this album is nasty! Like really nasty and makes for such a strong Death Grips album. The beats are disgusting, the samples are depraved and the lyrics shouldn’t even be allowed they’re so gross, and that’s why I love it.

Denzel Curry - Nostalgic 64: It’s amazing that this was Curry’s first mixtape because it sounds like he’s been in the game a long time. He has style and his flow is tight. He knows when to get emotion and delivers a powerful song discussing the difficult topic of police violence.

Denzel Curry - Imperial: Another solid record with great pacing. Slowly Curry is growing into one of the greats of this generation of rap and I’m happy to be on board now while he’s still on his way up. He’s got some great anger and intensity that I haven’t heard since like Young Pappy.

Earl Sweatshirt - Earl: Earl comes out swinging for the fences, or for peoples faces. This mixtape is short, sweet and vicious. His lyrics range from poetic to downright disgusting. He shows off his skills and a little influence from the Odd Future crowd.

Earl Sweatshirt - Doris: Doris is incredibly solid. Every track is great instrumentally and lyrically. Features from Frank and Tyler propel this album into being a good album, but it’s Earl’s wordplay and unique flow that make it great.

Earl Sweatshirt - I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside: This is such an unpopular opinion, but this is my favorite Earl record (even Siri likes Doris more). Earl is introvert, anxious, anti-social and distrusting, which speaks to me very clearly. Each song is brimming with emotions that hide just beneath this tough guy facade, briefly showing their faces from time to time. Grief and DNA are the two best tracks as they paint such gnarly pictures.

Elucid - Valley of Grace: Wowzers bowzers, this is awesome. This is so awesome. It’s short as hell, but it comes in throws some great tracks and socially conscious lyrics at you then gets out. There is no fat on this, if anything I want more, but this is already the most experimental hip hop album I’ve heard in a while. He messes with industrial sounds, messes with mixing so that he is sometimes overshadowed by the music, messes with samples and messes with you. Listen to this, it’s half an hour so if you somehow don’t like it, it’ll be over soon.

Eric Clapton - Eric Clapton: This is a great album by Clapton that feels very much like a debut record. It’s not as catchy as Slowhand but still manages to entertain you. Worth a listen but I’m not going to be returning to this particular record month after month.

Everything Everything - Get to Heaven: It’s fine. The first few tracks are great, the last track is great. The middle is long and tough to get through, and the extended version just throws on songs that were rightfully cut from the regular studio version.

Father John Misty - Fear Fun: Father John Misty makes a great first album apart from Fleet Foxes that immediately sets him apart from their sound. His humorous and cynical lyrics help to make the album standout as musically it isn’t anything you haven’t heard before.

Father John Misty - I Love You, Honeybear: Man, Father John Misty makes a solid album from front to back here. It’s funny, it’s awkward, its pretty and it’s a little nasty. Father John Misty found a style that mixes modern lyrics that are cynical and jaded with this happy sounding almost 50’s-esque rock that just inherently happy. The music and lyrics kind of oppose each other which makes this amazing disconnect that shows Father John Misty’s discontent with the current state of things. This is a must listen.

Father John Misty - Pure Comedy: This album is black comedy. Make no mistake, it is funny, but it is also depressing. The best way I can describe this album is that it’s like getting punched in the balls then riding a ferris wheel. You know it’s magical and beautiful, but it fucking hurts.

Feist - Let It Die: Mushaboom is so god damn catchy and sweet. There are some amazing songs on here, and then some that are… less amazing. Some can be a bit boring or just kinda iffy. Worth a listen though, it has a nice unique pop sound to it that is nice and soothing.

Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant EP: This EP feels very much in the same universe as Fleet Foxes first studio album which makes sense that they often package them together. It feels like a continuation of a fantastic album.

Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes: Talk about a strong album, this is pretty much perfect from the first second to the last. White Winter Hymnal is a great indie rock track that most people should know, but that may be the most underwhelming song on the album, which is saying a ton!

Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues: This sophomore record does not suffer from a slump, in fact it’s right on par with their first album. It hits hard and beautifully with some of their most beautiful and odd tracks to date.

(UPDATE) The more I listen to this album the more I love it. And dare I say that it may be a perfect album. Its just so beautiful, so romantic, and just so goddamn perfect.

Fleet Foxes - Crack-Up: Crack-Up is weirdly dark for Fleet Foxes. There are some emotions that they are dealing with here that they haven’t had to deal with before. Isolation and alienation are common themes on this due to Robin Pecknold’s isolation from the band prior to the recording of this record. They also get more experimental. Their quiet moments are dead silent while their crescendos are blaring. I will be coming back to this album throughout life.

Flying Lotus - 1984: I wanted to like this album, but I found it to be a little repetitive and I couldn’t quite tell each song apart. It’s just a bit too focused for me and I was hoping for more of an array.

Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma: This is the one though, the sounds are weird and fresh and feel full of energy. FlyLo pops out a record that will be remembered in the electronic community for years to come.

Frank Ocean - Nostalgia, Ultra: Man, I wanted to like this mixtape a lot. It had great reviews, Frank’s voice and songwriting are usually top notch, but this one just didn’t do it for me. What bothered me was a lack of catchy tunes, too many filler tracks, and some pretty lazy sampling that actually resulted in a (probably unwarranted) lawsuit from the Eagles. This mixtape showed potential, but that was about it.

Frank Ocean - channel Orange: I really like this album. The first time I head it, it blew me away. Frank’s songs are catchy and his emotions run high through his lyrics. It’s a must listen, but what I will say is that after hearing Blonde, I think it has aged weirdly. This album has a loose concept that doesn't always work and not every song is perfect. His big focus of the album, Pyramids is basically two songs just jammed together with one being honestly kind of obnoxious while the other is incredible. It’s a great album but his next is better.

Frank Ocean - Blonde: Some prefer channel Orange to Blonde, but I’m not sure why, or how for that matter. It is less catchy, there are some weird flaws to the album, but it’s a much better album because of it’s emotional impact and the way in which it all comes together at the end of the album to make one of the strongest R&B albums out there. There are catchy songs like Solo and Nikes, if you don't mind the pitched vocals, then there are more subtle tracks that have palpable energy like Skyline To, a song about the every accelerating passage of time. You can literally feel the song, the day, week, months slipping away from Frank on this track. It’s amazing. And the ending track gets me so good every time.

Freddie Gibbs - Shadow of a Doubt: This is a great hip hop album that makes you feel cool. It’s drug dealing talk isn’t always glamorous, but Gibbs’ always lets it slide off his back. Also, any track with Dana Williams is bound to be incredible.

Freddie Gibbs - You Only Live 2wice: Short, bitter, redemption. YOL2 is nothing new, but it was a necessary album before we get anything new sounding from Gibbs. He’s been through a lot, and he lets us know in full detail. He’s happy to be home, but he is definietely a changed person.

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib - Piñata: This is probably as close as we are going to get to a followup to Madvillainy, and that is okay because this album is fiyah! The two complement each others styles nicely and are able to push out fantastic beats and rhymes together that outshine most acts out there today. Not even remotely as good as Madvillainy, but it’s a worthy successor.

Ghost Ship Octavius - Ghost Ship Octavius: If you like metal, especially classic metal, you’ll love it. These guys blast out songs with blaring guitars that shoot up scales faster than I knew hands could move. The singer holds these notes that force your index and pinky fingers up while sending your middle and ring fingers up. It’s nothing too new, but it’s great classical metal.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Life Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven: I don’t want to say much about this album because of what it means to me, but it is a must listen. It’s simply remarkable that humans made something this beautiful. I’m not too proud to say that this one made me cry.

Grizzly Bear - Horn of Plenty: Man, this album is lonely, but beautiful and ends on one of the most emotionally resonant songs you can listen. Check out the comments for the song ‘This Song’ on Youtube, people can’t help but get nostalgic with the track.

Grizzly Bear - Yellow House: Every song is a 3-D space. It sounds almost like the whole thing was recorded in a vast valley where sound was able to travel on its own time to the microphones. Each guitar, trumpet, violin and bass sounds perfectly orchestrated, yet utterly spontaneous. It’s beautiful and near perfect.

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest: Grizzly Bear went a slightly different route here and made their songs a little less 3-D. Instead they feel tighter. The band feels like they know each note upcoming note from whoever is placed next to them. The songs are a bit catchier too, Two Weeks being a beautiful indie pop rock darling used in plenty of soundtracks over the years.

Harry Styles - Harry Styles: I wasn’t expecting much from this album which made for a nice surprise, it’s not half bad. Problem is that it sounds incredibly dated and it came out a few weeks ago. The songs feel recycled from either some band in the sixties and seventies or Wolfmother, who would do it much better. His vocals are fantastic and clean, but that almost doesn’t work with the nature of the music. It almost sounds like it needs some more grit to it to be able to stand a chance.

Ice Cube - AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted: A classic. Ice Cube is a wordsmith, his rhymes are deadly and so is his attitude. It’s worth every second it takes to listen to the whole thing.

Ice Cube - Death Certificate: Another strong album that ends on the most brutal diss track I’ve ever heard. No Vaseline was so brutal that Ice Cube and Dre still haven’t talked about it to this day! That’s pretty fucking awesome!

Isaiah Rashad - Cilvia Demo EP: It’s weird, this album starts similar to how Rashad’s next album feels, with much more laid-back tracks you can vibe to. Right towards the end though, Rashad picks up the intensity and drives it a bit. It works for him and the album has a really cool ending to it.

Isaiah Rashad - The Sun’s Tirade: Great if you like music that vibes a bit. It’s not gonna blow your socks off with energy, but it’s a great record that tackles tough emotions and drug abuse. Rashad is someone to watch in the future, if he can pop albums out in time.

J Dilla - Donuts: Beats baby, beats!! Holy god, this is an amazing instrumental album that you can just feel the influence on. J. Dilla was on another playing field and this album shows just that.

(Quick J.Cole Note: I’m not a big J.Cole fan, nor have I ever been at any point, keep that in mind, if you like him keep liking him)

J. Cole - 2014 Forest Hills Drive: J. Cole is sort of an enigma to me, people love him and swear that he is rap royalty on the same level with Kendrick and Kanye, but he clearly isn’t. His production is good, yet lacks a certain dimension that others are able to attain. His lyrics, while slightly conscious, lack focus and self-awareness. And his albums in total feel jumbled and messy. This album is worth a listen, and sure has some catchy tunes, but will not go down in rap history as a classic. Also, Wet Dreamz is the most predictable song I have ever heard.

J. Cole - 4 Your Eyes Only: I enjoyed this album a bit more than 2014 Forest Hills Drive, which seems to be the opposite of most people. It has a more nineties sound, it’s a bit darker, but overall much more focused. With the exception of Neighbors, which comes out of absolutely nowhere, the album feels like a cohesive idea. Again though, this album just isn’t as good as it should be for the sales and praise that it gets.

Joey Bada$$ - 1999: How the hell was Joey 17 when this came out? This album is a solid 90’s throwback album with some great flows and rhymes. It’s not particularly conscious or aware, but as a debut mixtape, there are few that compare to it’s quality.

Joey Bada$$ - B4.Da.$$: I enjoyed this album a lot, but it feels almost like a continuation of 1999 and maybe comes off a bit better if it is listened to directly after 1999. It has a really similar 90’s hip hop sound, similar lyrical style and delivering. Great tracks, but not too different.

Joey Bada$$ - All-AmeriKKKan Badass: This is where Joey really changed things up a bit. Joey put out a fantastic record that will be on year ending lists. With this one he took a slightly more modern sound to his beats. His lyrics, if you can’t tell by the albums title, are much more politically charged. People have complained about the album being a bit jumbled and unfocused, but too me it felt right due to the amount of problems that we face today.

John Coltrane - A Love Supreme: Sweet Jesus!! This is that shit. This is a must listen album for every person alive.

Joni Mitchell - Ladies of the Canyon: Joni Mitchell writes poetry, then songs. This usually works incredibly well, but every once in a while it can make her songs feel like they have too little structure. This happens a few times on this record and it makes it a little hard to follow. When it does work though, which is most of the time, it’s beautiful music.

Joni Mitchell - Blue: Dimbo wimbo, this album is probably perfect. There are few records that are as beautiful as this one. Joni Mitchell takes poetry and turns it into music to incredible, INCREDIBLE results. A Case of You may be the most beautiful breakup song ever written, and the palpable sadness in The Last Time I Saw Richard is sure to get you to choke up a bit. Perfect on nearly all fronts. If you like folk, look no further.

Joni Mitchell - Court and Spark: Another nearly perfect album. More beautiful lyrics, more beautiful singing from Joni. My only problem with the album is it’s final track. The album feels very focused with a particular sound, and right at the very end she throws it out the window for a jazzy cover of Twisted that isn’t necessarily bad, it just doesn’t fit. Other than that, it’s pretty fan-fucking-tastic!!

Ka - The Knight’s Gambit: Listen to this more than once. The first time you listen to it, it will feel kind of one track minded and slow. The production on each song feels a little similar, and so does Ka’s delivery. It’s his lyrics though that make his albums so astounding. Take some time to listen to his poetry in the music.

Ka - Honor Killed the Samurai: This album is similar to The Knight’s Gambit in the fact that it’s dense and requires more than one listen. If you like Ka you will like this album, if you don’t like Ka, it’s pretty similar sonically to his previous record.

Kamasi Washington - The Epic: Wow. This album brings something new to jazz, an genre that basically lives on retreading the past. This album feels fresh and like it could bring about a jazz revolution. It’s a bit of a beast though clocking it at around three hours, so take it slow when listening to it.

Karriem Riggins - Alone Together: Want fucking great beats that you can jam to? Check this one out, it’s easy to miss but should not be.

Kendrick Lamar - Section.80: These songs are all amazing, but have really meh hooks. Every hook just feels like it could have been thought out more and leave me a little disappointed every time. Yet, after every verse I’m thinking, or gasping, or wanting to listen again. This was telegraphing what would soon be some incredible albums.

Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, m.A.A.d City: This is Kendrick’s first masterpiece. There are no bad songs. Every song is catchy, every song is thought provoking, and every song is rock solid. The track order is thought out and the tone of each song is perfectly crafted. With Kendrick’s focus comes conscious lyrics, or stories that paint pictures, or the hubris of a 16 year old growing up in one of the toughest towns in the world. This album is endlessly replayable.

Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly: This is Kendrick’s magnum opus. Kendrick mixes jazz, hip hop, politically charged anger, the frustrations of fame, and the fear of mortality into a living album that seems to show a new side to it on each listen. It’s depth almost can’t be understood on the first listen through. It’s dense, long and a little obtuse at times. But once the full picture comes together, you’ll notice the album’s perfection. Each song feels like it serves a purpose, each feature is utilized perfectly, and each word was picked with thought and precision. This is a must listen.

Kendrick Lamar - untitled unmastered.: Leave it to Kendrick to have golden b-sides. How is he so good? These incredible tracks were the throw aways from the same recording sessions as To Pimp A Butterfly. They share the same jazzy funky style, but showcase new ideas. Sometimes it makes sense that a song or two wasn’t on TPAB, but never are the songs bad. This collection could’ve been a studio album, but at least he decided to release them in some form rather than cast them out to deluxe editions of albums down the line.

Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.: How do you follow up one of the best albums of maybe the past twenty years? It seems like a weird task, and even Kendrick knew it. This album is a departure from his previous styles. It sounds more modern, more catchy, much darker. From the album cover to the grime laced track Lust, this album reeks of depression. Each song sends us further down this pit that Kendrick was finding himself in. That even goes for the songs that seemingly attempt to throw us off from that. Love, a summer jammy type song, feels off, a trait that I’ve never heard on a Kendrick album. While this isn’t Kendrick’s best album, it has some of his most aggressive and brutal tracks to date.

Killer Mike - R.A.P. Music: This is basically an RTJ album before RTJ. Killer Mike does a majority of the rapping while el-p does the production, and pops in on a few songs. There’s raw anger that the two bring to RTJ albums here and Killer Mike comes through with some astounding bars. This album is a great listen and a great precursor to the stuff they would later do together as RTJ.

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor: The first half of the album sounds like your ex-girlfriend’s “indie rock” playlist that features only recycled sounds from all the other bands that were out there around 2010. The second half feels like it was thought about a bit more thoroughly. The songs flow a bit better, the sounds are at least a little more unique, but for the most part this album feels like a mediocre “indie pop rock” album.

The Long Winters - Putting the Days to Bed: This album I listened to because I had heard of it from one of the many podcasts I listen to (MBMBAM). I am kind of on the fence with this record. When it hits a high, like the track (It’s A) Departure, it nails it, but there is a lot of downtime where songs either leave you wanting more or something different. It’s worth a listen or two but that’s about it.

Lorde - Pure Heroine: This is pop music with some surprising depth. Lorde doesn’t go the same route that most pop artists go talking about their money and fame, or other topics that no one can relate to. In fact, she goes the opposite direction and tells us how bored of that she is. On Team she sings one of the most accurate examinations of pop music, “I’m kinda over getting told to throw my hands up in the air.” Lorde makes an anti-pop pop album that is pretty great.

Lorde - Melodrama: Golly gee, this one’s a gooden!! Lorde makes an angsty album that isn’t obnoxious or really that trite. She feels alienated, she doesn’t like being famous, and she feels like people use her, and she is able to share those ideas with us in 11 awesome songs that are all catchy and serve their purpose well on the album. She even gets a little experimental from time to time, which is where I hope she goes next, in between her radio hit type tracks. Definitely surprised me with how good it really is.

Madvillain - Madvillainy: This is an absolute must listen. Madlib basically defines what good production is on this album. His beats are incredible backdrops for MF Doom to drop some of the smoothest rhymes and bars you’ll hear. I keep coming back to this album over and over again because of Madlib’s production. He absolutely destroys it with weird samples and risks that should never work. Who puts an accordion on a hip hop track? Fucking Madlib does.

Marvin Gaye - What's Going On?: Smooth, sexy and ahead of its time both sonically and in its subject matter. It’s a classic and required listening simply for how influential it has been the R&B as a genre. We would be nowhere without Marvin Gaye, absolutely nowhere!!

MF Doom - Mm.. Food: This album is so weird. It’s a concept album about food. MF Doom makes a whole album about food, and it is somehow legendary. He’s able to spin this concept about a billion different ways with his weird sample heavy production. Just listen to it, I really don’t know what to say about it other than it’s incredible.

Mick Jenkins - The Water[s]: It’s kinda weird thinking that a concept album about water could be as good as it is. Mick Jenkins has an awesome flow, mixed with beats that literally feel like they’ve been drowned. They have this weird spacey underwater feel that just makes the album come together as a whole. If you like vibes hip hop that is weirdly aggressive (yeah I know that’s a contradiction but that’s kind of an accurate explanation), then you will like The Water[s].

(Quick The Microphones Note: The Microphones and Mount Eerie are both projects from Phil Elverum, he just changed his name after four albums to Mount Eerie)

The Microphones - Don’t Wake Me Up: How was this his first album? How was he 21 when he made it? He, ladies and gentleman, is Phil Elverum. He writes folk with weird noise rock stuff in there and this album is awesome and shows incredible potential. I can’t get enough of him. Listen to his entire discography. You will not be disappointed.

The Microphones - It Was Hot, We Stayed in the Water: This is probably Phil’s first masterpiece. I don’t know anyone who uses sound in the same way. It’s lo-fi and grainy, he messes with the stereo mix, he throws in sounds that are literally unrecognizable. But under that are these incredibly rich folk songs that come straight from the heart. Phil’s lyrics are unique and beautiful. This can even be seen in the beautiful simplicity of the album title. This is another incredible album by Phil.

The Microphones - The Glow Pt. 2: This is probably one of my top five albums of all time. It’s weird experimental folk that has some elements of noise rock and metal et cetera. This album literally has me on the verge of tears a few times each time I listen to it because of Phil’s lyrics, his still fresh, even 16 years after it’s release, use of sound and beautifully flawed vocals.

The Microphones - Mount Eerie: This album picks up exactly where The Glow Pt. 2 leaves off. This album though is a much, much slower burn than The Glow Pt. 2, and can give you a bit more existential anxiety. This album feels massive in ambition and almost otherworldly. There is this odd feeling to all of the tracks that make it feel incredibly important and like you are just for listening to it. It’s just as experimental as The Glow Pt. 2, but in very different ways. This was, if you couldn’t tell by the name of the album, the beginning of Phil’s Mount Eerie style.

Miles Davis - Kind of Blue: This is the gold standard for jazz standards. These are some of the most famous jazz songs that are nowadays repeated at nauseam. On the record though they have some great life to them and are recorded beautifully. If you enjoy jazz this record is a must listen not only because it’s beautiful, but due to it’s historical significance.

Miles Davis - Bitches Brew: Oh baby, yes please!! Experimental jazz has never sounded so goddamn good!! This is such a weird and awesome album that just leaves you wanting more and more, despite it’s long length. This is where a lot of bands took their experimental influences from. Radiohead for example cited this as a major inspiration when they wrote OK Computer. This is such a good one.

(Quick Mount Eerie Note: The Microphones and Mount Eerie are both projects from Phil Elverum, he just changed his name after four albums to Mount Eerie)

Mount Eerie - “No Flashlight” Songs of the Fulfilled Night: Weirdly enough this album has a similarity to The Microphones first album. When listening to this album you can kind of feel that Phil has changed. His sound is much more subdued here than it is on The Microphones Mount Eerie album. it feels less grand in scope, but more personal to Phil. It sounds like he wrote these songs in the woods, by himself, with no flashlight. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking. The perfect start to the Mount Eerie name.

Mount Eerie - Lost Wisdom: This is probably tied with Ocean Roar as my least favorite Mount Eerie album. It isn’t bad so much as it is a little boring for Phil’s discography. It’s incredibly short and doesn’t really explore anything too new for him other than having a female vocalist on every track. I just wanted more and not really in a good way. This album only clocks in at 24 minutes so it feels too short for its own good.

Mount Eerie - Dawn: Aside from his most recent album, this is Phil’s quietest record. It’s easy to miss, but really shouldn’t be. It’s soft and thoughtful, but comes in and out of your life quickly and quietly. You won’y be itching to hear that one catchy track again, but you may come back to it to feel some quiet tracks on a sad night. Absolutely beautiful and understated record from Phil.

Mount Eerie - Wind’s Poem: Wow. This is a killer album, potentially his best, but it’s another one that is a little more difficult to listen to. This album mixes his normal folk style with these screeching metal guitars that thoroughly shake your head when you’re listening. This album feels like a sonic manifestation of anxiety and depression. That’s all I’ll say. Go listen to it.

Mount Eerie - Clear Moon: This album honestly feels like beauty and anxiety or tension at least are just having the most intense showdown. This album has some of Phil’s most beautiful songs that he has ever written on it, like Through the Trees Pt. 2. You can’t listen to that song without falling under it’s perfect, spacey spell. On the other side though are some of the most chillingly anxious tracks that envelop your body with their dissonance. This is another near perfect album by Phil.

Mount Eerie - Ocean Roar: In theory this album is a sequel to Clear Moon, but its predecessor is a thousand times better. Ocean Roar is just kind of… well boring honestly. It’s very slow, very droney, and very meh. If you love Phil, you’ll at least enjoy it a little bit for what it is, but it just doesn’t stick out like his other immaculate albums do.

Mount Eerie - Sauna: Phil was in a good place in his life here, which makes his next album so goddamn sad. This album is pretty lighthearted, to the point where Phil has a song about books. It’s not his regular death contemplation or the exploration of depression. It feels like he was happy, I wish he could’ve stayed happy…

Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me: This album is a little weird to talk about due to its subject matter. This is one of Phil’s most stripped back albums because the music almost doesn’t matter, even though it is very good. This album is basically Phil venting to us about the recent death of his wife. It isn’t a fun time. There are times during this record where Phil is talking directly to his deceased wife, saying the exact amount of time since he saw her last. It’s incredibly raw emotion and rare truth that Phil spills on this record. Each song is soft and sets the tone for Phil to come in and just break your heart with each song, each idea and each word that comes through on this record. If you can, please support Phil and buy this record, or at least check it out.

M83. - Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts: Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming is big and catchy, each bubblegum, neon dripping hook easily able to fill stadiums. Dead Cities is smaller, more intimate, weirder, more tortured and slept on. It takes more than one listen to hear it’s intricacies and emotions. Sometimes it’s beautiful, like on Unrecorded. Synths fill the air as soft piano-like notes flutter on top of it. Other times it’s nasty and harrowing, the last part of Beauties can die feels utterly hopeless and covered in grime. This is a great electronic album.

NAO - So Good EP: So Good is so good. This EP is pretty awesome, mostly due to the catchy titular track with A.K. Paul. Their chemistry is awesome and this song is sexy as all hell. Definitely worth a listen, and I’ll bet that you’ll come back to So Good when you need an extra dose of sexy in your day.

NAO - For All We Know: Not every track is a winner, but when NAO hits, she has a killer song on her hands. For example, In the Morning is incredible, absolutely incredible. But this album is long, and there is a lot of filler in between the great songs. NAO’s voice though is what pulls this record together into a project that is satisfying despite it’s misses, and she is going to stay on my radar in the future.

Nas - Illmatic: Looking back at it, it’s absolutely insane that I somehow missed this album. This is one of those albums that is pretty goddamn perfect from start to finish. It’s production defined the nineties and it’s lyricism was smart, cynical and sometimes heart breaking. And to top it all off, Nas was only 19 when this album came out. That always makes me feel bad about being 20 and not having one of the most genre defining albums out. Check this one out.

The National - The National: I went into this album with lower expectation due to it’s mixed reviews and I wasn’t really surprised either way. There isn’t anything super new or really too impressive here. It’s some decent rock with a slight country or Americana twang to it. If anything this album showed that they were a band to keep an eye on in the future. Potential, potential, potential.

The National - Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers: This one is a step in the right direction. This album has some great tracks on it. But the best parts of the record come when the band decides to really take a step out of their comfort zone. There are a few tracks where they decided to go slightly punk with it and begin to ramp up the intensity in the instrumentation and Matt really lets loose with some passionate yelling. This album is the direction I wanted the band to go in, more intense, more raw, more brutal.

The National - Alligator: This album is where the band really starts to get some buzz and good reviews, but honestly, I’m not sure why. This is the opposite direction in which I was expecting, and hoping the band would go in. Rather than lean into the more raw and intense, semi-punk driven style, they go back to their softer “indie” rock (I hate that moniker but I’m not sure what else to use) sound with Matt’s regular delivery. Speaking of his delivery, good lord can he please change it up? Literally every song he uses the same exact inflection and tone of voice, which makes them all blend together into this album sized amalgamation that just makes me lose interest around the midway point. He has this weird deep, throatier sounding drawl that gets old fast. Not quite my style.

The National - Boxer: More of the same… I mean, I’ll keep trying, because people say they’re amazing, but they just aren’t doing it for me. And Matt, please, stop with the weird throaty drawl. Please stop.

Neon Indian - Psychic Chasms: How is Neon Indian so cool without even trying? This album has this almost Strokes level of swagger in a drastically different genre. This electronic album is funky, danceable without being fast, and spacey. This is the type of music you listen to by yourself while staring at the ceiling, mesmerized by all the weird sounds and smirking knowing that you are cool for knowing who Neon Indian is. It feels like a album that was slapped together pretty easily from the heart and just nailed everything perfectly, even finding one of the most unique sounds in the electronic genre. This is feel good music that is original.

Neon Indian - VEGA INTL. Night School: Neon Indian’s second album Era Extraña lost the magic that Psychic Chasms brought to the table. It felt self conscious and much too aware of what it was going for. This album feels like a slightly fed up Neon Indian deciding to just make something that they enjoy rather than cater to every audience at once. All I want to do when listening to this album is dance. It’s catchy, it’s sexy and it makes you feel awesome just for listening to it. This album isn’t quite like his previous ones because of it’s more catchy melodies and danceable beats, and I don’t think it’s quite as good as his debut album, but it packs a gnarly punch from its first track to its last.

Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island: Their first record is this amazing mix of folk and noise rock that they would later perfect on their next record, but this record is nothing to sneeze at. It feels much different from their next partially due to the amount in which they utilize noise rock here. There are a few songs where the instrumental would be called, “not music” by those who can’t appreciate the experimentation. Not only did this album show potential, it also takes you on an awesome journey that you will come back to, no doubt.

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea: This album is plagued by memes and obnoxious 4chan users who think they are funny just writing lyrics on repeat at nauseam on threads, but there is actually a reason for it. This is one of those albums that from the moment it starts, you can feel something special about it. It has weird, often surreal or fantastical lyrics mixed with a sort of folk rock with these noise rock accents. There are beautiful melodies and dissonant ones too that each work together to make an utter masterpiece. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you miss this album, it is spectacular.

Nick Murphy (fka Chet Faker) - Missing Link EP: I wanted this to be good, I wanted it so badly, but it’s just not great. Nick is in a weird place right now, he has no idea where to go right now. What do you do after an album that blasts you out of obscurity, that’s style is no longer appealing to you? I have no idea… and Nick doesn’t either. This EP feels so uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Each song feels like a different album, hell, even a different artist. None of them are particularly shocking or catchy, they just kind of roll off your back once they finish. It’s just… disappointing.

Noname - Telefone: Noname is like the quiet girl in high school who, when she does speak up, is by far the most interesting and entertaining person in the room. Her style is similar to the likes of other Chicago artists (or you could call it the Chance style). She uses some hints of gospel as a backdrop for her subtle and soft lyrical style that make you take a minute and think about. She doesn’t show off her beats and vocals though, she opens up and really gives us some incredibly touching stories and emotions. She’ll be around a long time, and she can only go up from here.

Notorious B.I.G. - Life After Death: Biggie is one of those rappers that is just on the boarder of being overrated, then when you listen to his stuff you don’t think he’s popular enough. He just had a way with rhymes and beats. He was able to rap about slinging crack, then immediately after share some deeper emotions and have it all fit into these crazy visions he had for his two records. Just incredible stuff, truly incredible. We lost Biggie much too soon.

Oddisee - The Iceberg: This just barely missed being on my best of 2017 list. This is a great, conscious hip hop album. Oddisee has some interesting insights and is a great storyteller. My favorite song on the project, or at least the one that sticks with me the most is You Grew Up. It takes an interesting look at racism and how that can grow in children if it is fostered, definitely a powerful portrayal.

The Pablo Collective - The Death of Pablo: I usually do not enjoy remix albums. Their lack of creativity usual defines the style, slapping on today’s most obnoxious trends onto previously released songs. But this… this is different. This doesn’t even remotely feel like The Life of Pablo. Following their mission statement, this album is darker, grittier and so much more disgusting. It will drain the life out of you and make you feel utterly hopeless, especially in the middle where there is about a ten minute industrial sounding interlude attempting to simulate the sounds of death. Right as you want to shut it off from just being too much, it comes back around and hits you with this incredible speech from Kanye set to music. This is an incredible project.

Perfume Genius - Put Your Back N 2 It: You ready to cry a little bit with me? Goddamn, Hadreas delivers an incredible album that is stripped back to basically just his own soft shaky vocals and piano chords that are reverbed the fuck out of. He throws in a few background sounds here and there, like heavily distorted vocals or strings, but the take away hear are the lyrics. This is an emotional ride that will break you. He sings about the struggles of being a gay man, domestic abuse, just being sad, and be able to power through that.

Perfume Genius - Too Bright: Hadreas brings the feels again with this soft, at times nasty, sludgy record that mixes his previous style with something a bit more layered. The song Queen is a good example of what this album is. Hadreas uses vocals that could be found on his last record, but with an instrumental that would’ve felt outlandishly out of place due to its thickness and staggering dimensions. With that being said, it’s still able to remain subtle, soft and slow. But if there weren’t emotions flowing through each lyrics veins, it wouldn’t be a Perfume Genius album.

Perfume Genius - No Shape: Man, this album immediately shows that it’s different from Hadreas’ previous records. On the first track, it starts like his other albums, soft and subtle, then it just explodes with a wall of sound and textures. This is Hadreas’ most difficult album to listen to if you are not acquainted with more experimental sounds, but in my opinion, it’s his best record.

Phoenix - Ti Amo: I love Phoenix. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is such an awesome album that just hits high after high until you’re left mashing the repeat button on every track. I listened to Ti Amo on its release date, and I genuinely don’t recall a single lyric or melody. It’s just really boring and uninspired. It feels like they were contractually obligated to pop out another album so they put something together in three months that at least sort of sounds like Phoenix and called it good. I hope they take some time to find themselves and a good direction forward before making another album.

The Postal Service - Give Up: I almost guarantee that you’ve heard a majority if not all of this record before just on radio stations or your friends barbecue mix tape. It’s influential no doubt, it’s sounds are familiar at this point due to how often people have borrowed their sound, but that doesn’t alway mean it’s good. Some songs are fantastic and each catchy note or melody gets burned into your skull, yet other songs can get a little boring. It’s just a bit inconsistent. I wish that they had made more albums together because if they had let their sounds grow a bit I bet they would've put out a killer record.

Quelle Chris - Being You is Great, I Wish I Could Be You More Often: This is an awesome hip hop album that skates through humor and existential fear at the same time. Quelle Chris’ delivery stays at a lower, almost monotonous, level that works with his dry humor and battered emotional state. His production also has some Madlib-esque spice to it that is entertaining and experimental. Please check out this record, it is worth your time.

Quasimoto - The Unseen: This is one of those classic hip hop albums that only intense hip hop heads know. I wouldn’t have found it had my good friend not told me to check it out. Quasiomoto is one of Madlib’s alter egos. He works in some great production and lyrics into this must listen album.

Radiohead - Pablo Honey: This album gets a lot of hate from Radiohead fans for being too generic and of the nineties. It’s not terrible, but it’s definitively not Radiohead. Creep is by far the best song on the album but should not be Radiohead’s most popular song. The bad songs on the album though could have been popped out by any band from that time period.

Radiohead - The Bends: This is the first “real” Radiohead album. They really began to find their footing here. This album is filled with two types of songs, way more of the latter than though. The first are songs that feel slightly dated with that nineties alternative rock sound. These are songs like The Bends. The second type are songs that feel right at home in Radiohead’s discography. The songs that feel dated though aren’t bad, they just have a little nineties stank on them. But when this album hits a high, similar to Radiohead’s other albums, it hit’s so hard that you are amazed for the next five minutes because of that one note. High and Dry comes to mind as a song that will blow you away.

Radiohead - Kid A: They say that OK Computer was what solidified Radiohead in history, then Kid A solidified them in the future. This album showed us that Radiohead had legs past the nineties. They came out with this album that is part rock, part electronic and all weird. It was polarizing when it came out, but an undeniable classic now that has influenced the rest of their discography and so many other bands all over the place. Listen to this record. Period.

Radiohead - Amnesiac: Packaged as a sort of sequel to Kid A, Amnesiac is a collection of Kid A b-sides that are surprisingly good. These tracks were so good in fact that they warranted another studio album rather than being scattered and released at weird times throughout the years. The rock tracks here are Radiohead’s classic style that is always able to amaze me, and their electronic tracks give you new sounds to wrap your head around. All in all, a great record.

Radiohead - Hail to the Thief: People have thought of some weird analogies for this record. Pitchfork even went as far as to say that it’s an anti-masterpiece (in a good way somehow?). All you need to know is that this is a great record. It won’t alter your life like some of their previous projects, but it’s got some fantastic stuff on it.

Radiohead - In Rainbows: This is the album that they needed after Hail to the Thief, a great but not spectacular album. They took some extra time with this one and popped out one of their best records. This thing is filled with amazing songs from the almost dancey 15 Steps, to the soft and thoughtful track Nude. This was Radiohead telling us that not only did they still have it, they were better than most even after 15 years since OK Computer.

Radiohead - The King of Limbs: People hate this record. It’s fine. It’s not amazing, but it’s not terrible. It’s just kinda middle of the road. Listen to it if you love Radiohead, if you don’t know Radiohead don’t start with it. That’s it. It’s fine.

Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool: Oh man… where to begin. This shows Radiohead’s brilliance. After over 20 years they are somehow still able to pop out one of the best records of the year!! It’s slow and soft, yet it drags you into it’s atmosphere immediately and holds you under what feels like sonic water. The highs are spectacular and the emotional lows can be felt throughout your whole body. This is just another one of Radiohead’s immaculate albums.

Ratt - Out of the Cellar: It’s Ratt. Their fun, they put out some good hair metal, they’re fun live. I don’t think that their music will really go down in history as incredible stuff. It also kinda says something when I was the youngest person at the show. It’s just kind of a dated sound that doesn’t really need to come back because we’ve just moved past it. Again, it will occupy you for about thirty minutes but it’s not something that will change your outlook on life.

Red House Painters - Down Colorful Hill: Eh… Not for me. It’s too slow and dramatically emotional. I’ll try again with them in the future, but I was more waiting for the album to be over than listening for subtle details.

Run the Jewels - RTJ3: This is not my favorite RTJ album, but by no means do I think it’s bad, it’s spectacular. These two have some of the best chemistry in hip hop today. Their political opinions blast through and give this album the most anxious feeling. Even when they step away from political ideology it works well. Their song to their deceased friend is heartbreaking and perfectly accented by Kamasi Washington on the tenor sax.

Sampha - Process: My god. This album is incredible. Sample fuses R&B with electronic music, just sings over the piano, and get’s slightly experimental here. It’s pretty amazing that this is a debut album because it feels like he’s been doing this a while. This album will have you moving, will make you try and hit the notes that Sample belts out, and will tug at your heart a bit. He really blew it out of the park with this album.

(Sandy) Alex G - Rocket: Damn. Incredible fusion of folk, punk, experimental, industrial and everything else. It’s so goddamn good. Poison Root kicks off the album softly and as it progresses it gets intense, then it eases back out. One of the best albums of the year in my opinion and may make it into my year end list. Go listen to this sucka!! (Also, he was opening for Fleet Foxes when I saw them, but I got to the show late and missed him, I’m beyond crushed!!)

Shabazz Palaces - Black Up: I had heard these guys compared to Death Grips a couple of times so I had to check them out. After listening, they are only similar in their use of experimental beats. But man, if they aren’t experimental. These guys do some crazy things from polyrhythms, to throwing out song structure completely. That may sound interesting, or be a deal breaker to you, but either way, you should check these guys out if not to only see what is possible under the hip hop umbrella.

Shapes & Colors - Love / Sex / War EP: Okay, so these guys talked to me on twitter and seemed really nice, so I will try to be gentle. It’s… not great. It feels very generic and done a million times before. It’s just indie rock that maybe would’ve sounded new in 2008, but it feels a little dated upon release. Check it out if you want to support these guys, but I found it difficult to get through it’s short length.

The Shouting Matches - Grownass Man: I wanted this album to be amazing, but it just isn’t. There are some amazing tracks, like the great Gallup, NM, but there are also some boring tracks. It feels like the boys weren’t quite sure what they wanted to do with this album, they just knew they wanted to make a bluesy record. With the few exceptions, most of the album feels a little stale.

Snakadaktal - Sleep in the Water: That reverb be heavy doe!! I wasn’t expecting much from this due to the band’s silly name, but this is a pretty great dream pop album. It feels spacey, yet emotionally potent. Plus the band’s dual vocalists adds another dimension to songs like Too Soon. These guys reminded me of Beach House a bit, but not so much that it felt like either band was stealing from each other.

Soft Cell - Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret: Look, this album is incredibly 80’s. It feels like they were using synths for the first time in the studio they sound so simple. But this album has some killer tracks. First off, the classic Tainted Love is undeniably catchy despite being so 80’s you can basically feel the neon dripping off of each beat. The final track Say Hello, Wave Goodbye also stands out because of its emotional impact coming late in the record. If you can get behind the 80’s clichés and rock with this britpop, you will find something to enjoy here.

Spoon - Hot Thoughts: It’s weird how Spoon is incapable of making bad albums. They just seem to pop out good albums one after another. While this isn’t my favorite of theirs, it still has some great material, including the title track that bounces in your head and gets stuck their for weeks. Britt’s vocal delivery fits so perfectly with their sound it seems like these musicians were born to play together. Another great one from the boys in Spoon!!

Squarepusher - Feed Me Weird Things: I don’t know if there are any other artists that have a similar sound. Squarepusher has made a career out of the most unique mix of jazz and… I don’t even know it’s just incredible. His first album must’ve seemed so weird when it came out. I can’t imagine what people who knew him must’ve said about it. I know this is vague, but I’m not sure what to say about his stuff, just go listen to it.

Squarepusher - Music is Rotted One Note: I feel like I will be listening to this album when I finally go insane. This is like jazz if jazz had schizophrenia. It’s so weird and experimental and anxiety ridden, yet beautiful at the same time. It makes you feel like you’re crazy when you listen to it, but it also takes your breath away at least once every song. It’s not for everyone, but goddamn it’s at least for me.

Squarepusher - Go Plastic: This is Squarepusher going plastic, or at least synthetic. These songs are all electronically produced, which is different from his normal style of physical instrumentation. This is another great album by the always weird always awesome Squarepusher.

Substantial - The Past is Always Present in The Future: This album really surprised me. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much. I hadn’t heard of Substantial, and his album cover for this thing is… just really bad, like really bad. But good goddamn if it’s not fantastic!! It’e emotional, socially conscious, utilizes Tonedeff very well, and is thoroughly enjoyable. It sounds weird, but I do think that the tracklist should be shuffled around a little bit in order to really make certain songs have more of a payoff, but this is a great hip hop album even without that.

Syd - Fin: I knew Syd a little bit from her days in Odd Future, providing backing vocals for Tyler, Earl and Frank. I hadn’t listened to her stuff from The Internet, so I went into this pretty unaware of how she would sound. Goddamn does she have a voice. This album is enjoyable because of her voice.

SZA - Ctrl: Man, SZA is fun to listen to. She’s got a great voice, can write lyrics well and has some great beats backing her. The one problem I had with the album is just the lack of focus in terms of emotions. I didn’t feel a central idea coursing through it, which isn’t necessary, but I feel would be greatly impacting and powerful for her style. Kung Fu Kenny also has a good feature on this thing.

Temple of the Dog - Temple of the Dog: This album is another one, similar to Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked at Me, that sends a past loved one off. Rather than being as detailed and soft, this one goes for a different approach. It’s music as opposed to lyrics are what do the trick here. This super group of nineties rockers came together to pop out this one beautiful record. Chris Cornell (RIP), Mother Lovebone and Eddie Vedder all bring their styles together for an incredible and heartbreaking project that will go down as a fantastic nineties moment.

Thundercat - The Golden Age of Apocalypse: This is Thundercat at his absolute best musically. Every song is incredible with some of the most impressive bass playing that I have ever heard. If you like jazz, hip hop, funk, or anything in between, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you missed this incredible record.

Thundercat - Drunk: Thundercat’s lyrics get funnier, his songs get catchier, but his focus gets wider. This album is fantastic, but is a little on the long side and could probably use a few edits here and there of songs that don’t quite stand out among the others. And let’s just get Wiz Khalifa off of this, he just doesn’t do the album any good. Kendrick can stay though, Kendrick can always stay.

Todd Terje - It’s Album Time: This album is so weird and funny and cool and stupid and amazing. It feels like Todd wrote and performs this album with a giant smirk on his face the whole time. I mean for god sake, it’s called It’s Album Time. His tongue is in his cheek and it works so well for this electronic joyride. It’s just fun and weird. I have no idea what else would fit into the same category.

Tonedeff - Polymer: Tonedeff is interesting to me. On paper I should love him. He is a fantastic producer, an artist who tries to go deeper than most, and a great storyteller on top of that. But for some reason I have a hard time getting into his stuff. There always seems to be some aspects of his songs lyrically that I just can’t get over. Sometimes they just feel like he’s trying a little too hard, sometimes he’s just trying to go for the quick emotions. He’s okay, but just not my cup of tea. However, he is great to see live and if you get the chance please do, because he makes his shows incredibly entertaining and interactive.

A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory: Tribe is legendary. If you don’t know them you are depriving yourself of some of the best jazz hip hop ever to be produce. ‘Nuff said!!

A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders: Another stellar projects from Tribe. Their chemistry is always amazing, their beats are perfectly stylish and practical, and their lyrics always surpass expectations. Legendary group that will go down in history!! Perfection!!

Tycho - Past Is Prologue: This album showed me that Tycho had a little growth throughout his career, but it’s honestly pretty subtle. There are just certain droney sounds he likes using more now than he did then. Still sounds like Tycho.

Tycho - Dive: Don’t get me wrong, I like Tycho, but his music isn’t anything I haven’t heard before. It’s something that you would find on one of those YouTube playlists called, “Chill Music,” or “Chill Wave.” It would have some picture of a sunset or beach and this would be perfect to zone out to with friends while talking about the universe. It’s slow and meant to be in the back of your head.

Tycho - Awake: Tycho’s albums kind of all feel like a continuation of the last one. This is vibe music through and through. If you are looking for something challenging or incredibly interesting, look somewhere else. This one is basically filler music, or entertaining elevator music.

Tycho - Epoch: More of the same. It just sounds like Tycho, which can sometimes just be aggressively average.

Tyler, The Creator - Bastard: When you go back and look at all the old Odd Future stuff, if you’re like me, you’ll get a little nostalgic and watch Oldie with a huge grin. So much of their stuff at the time was great but has aged pretty poorly, or I can just see that it was never very good. But Tyler, Earl and Frank did always have something special. Of the mixtapes that came out in the early Odd Future days, this and Earl are the two best. Bastard is one of those albums that provoked and prodded, but above all, it showed potential. The beats are nasty, the lyrics are nastier and Tyler’s attitude is above all the nastiest. If you can stomach his shit, this is a great one to check out.

Tyler, The Creator - Goblin: This is an awesome concept album that starts so strong then kinda peters out under its own weight. This album is chalk full similar to his next album, and not every song is great. But Tyler brings a certain anger that just makes me want to throw shit out the window in defiance. His nasty lyrics itch that fucked up part of your brain that is often discouraged, but Tyler forces it out of you on songs like Yonkers and Tron Cat. If you enjoy hip hop and can handle song goddamn disgusting lyrics mixed with a cool concept, check this one out.

Tyler, The Creator - Wolf: Wolf is Tyler’s strongest album, despite the fact that it lacks a lot of focus. (UPDATE: Flower Boy is now his strongest with Wolf as his second most) I’ve listened to Wolf probably ten times now and I can recall songs from it, but when I try to think about the overarching themes or ideas, I kind of tend to draw a blank. Yet, the high moments are high, raw and fucked up. Rusty is a great ensemble track that tries to piss you off in classic Tyler style, Awkward is a heartfelt song from Tyler to his dad, and IFHY is an amazing song to an ex who he had a bit of a rough breakup with. Tyler also used his features incredibly well making them important and necessary parts to each song. This is a great album that you should really check out.

Tyler, The Creator - Cherry Bomb: Oh boy… Cherry Bomb is Cherry Bomb. It’s weird, it has some good stuff, but it’s also got Tyler’s worst stuff. It’s such a mixed bag that just doesn’t always work, in fact it doesn’t most of the time. This is one of those ones for die hard Tyler fans, but if you don't love him it’s not really for you…… I’m sorry, I’m trying to be positive here, but it’s just bad.

Vagabon - Infinite Worlds: Look, I like the genre, but Jesus Christ, can someone please, PLEASE just think of something new?! This album is literally every single idea that I’ve been hearing for years just jammed up in the same album. There are like two songs of note and I don’t remember which ones because I didn’t want to listen to it a second time. This album was just disappointing to me.

Van Morrison - Astral Weeks: This is one of those albums that you would find in your parents or aunt and uncles collection that upon first glance would skip, then when listening to it cry like a fucking baby. I’ve always been a fan of Van Morrison, and Moondance was what I’ve always thought of as his best album, but this one… this one is different no doubt. This one is less catchy, a bit more long winded, but maybe more powerful. Morrison’s almost strained Irish vocals are carried along by the soft guitar and meandering flute player on the title track, setting a perfect tone for the album. If you want a great album that is soft, but will blow your socks off, check this one out.

(Quick Vince Staples Note: I have seen Vince Staples live and that may have caused me to be a little biased, I don’t think it did but just keep that in mind)

Vince Staples - Hell Can Wait EP: This is a great EP. This is what put Vince on the map. This album shows his talent and incredible struggle to get to where he is now. The beats slap and his vocals cut through the mix like knives. Some may find his voice to be whiney or too high pitched, but it works for his style in my opinion. This is a can’t miss, especially if you are interested in seeing where he came from and where he will go.

Vince Staples - Summertime ’06: Badabing!! Wowzers bowzers, radio hits, spacey beach sounds and Kilo Kish. This is Staples at his best. This album’s structure is incredible, starting off strong with Lift Me Up and Norf Norf, then Lemme Know all on the same side?! Unreal shit. This album is awesome!!

Vince Staples - Prima Donna EP: This one gets a little darker. Vince sounds like he’s been trapped in his own head for a little too long and is pleading to get out. His lyrics are anxious and his delivery varies from emotionally distant on War Ready to a little more urgent on Pimp Hand. His beats are ugly, in a good way, they’re lo-fi and glitchy, almost as if he rubbed sand into the soundboard in the studio. Great EP.

Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory: This is where Vince Staples needs to go. This album is a bit more experimental and uses his style in a way that is different from his previous releases. He seems to be experimenting more with beats than lyrics, which makes a few songs have eh lyrics, but overall it works. This album to me, seems like it will be a stepping stone to another album that just pushes everything further and he’ll pop out his magnum opus next, mark my words!!

Warren G - Regulate… G Funk Era: Makes you want to go to the East Side Motel. (It’s a classic that is required listening, so go listen to it… like now.)

Wavves - You’re Welcome: It’s just so aggressively mediocre that I began to resent it after the first ten seconds. There is nothing that sets this album apart from others, there is nothing that makes it very good or very bad. The road they drive down is very much in the middle. Yucko.

X - Los Angeles: Never thought I would hear Ray Manzarek playing punk music, but man, he fits in perfectly. This album is one of those ones that is the perfect amount of time. There is no fat on this album and every song fits in like it should. And again, Manzarek on keys was such a smart choice.

The xx - I See You: It’s pretty good, probably my favorite album of theirs. But it left me just wanting more of Jamie’s solo stuff. On Hold is just a Jamie xx song that the other two members of The xx jump on and deliver their usual meh style on. I liked it for what it was but I'm just sick of The xx sounding the same on every song… and I want more Jamie xx.

YG - Still Brazy: YG gets pretty brazy on this album. His production uses that classic G Funk style with a few updates to keep it fresh. The beats perfectly complement his vocal delivery that changes on tracks on in tracks too like on Don’t Come to L.A. YG also get’s pretty political on this one with tracks like FDT (Fuck Donald Trump), Blacks & Browns and Police Get Away Wit Murder. This is a surprisingly good album that I wasn’t expecting much on.

Young Pappy - 2 Cups Part 2 of Everything: This kid had some talent. Sadly, he is no longer with us, but, man, he knew how to write songs. His style is aggressive, Killa sounds like he’s gonna jump through your headphones and bite your head off. His production is sample heavy and bass heavier. We lost this guy too soon, I would’ve loved to see what he would’ve been able to put out in his later years.

Your Old Droog - Packs: The Jeselnik skits are pretty useless, forgettable and low energy from Jeselnik, but if you skip those this album is pretty amazing. Droog is a great storyteller, his beats are bonkers and utilize sound effects to help push his stories along and he knows how to write some real hot hooks. One of the best hip hop albums of 2017. Also, Danny Brown has a killer, KILLER feature on Grandma Hips that you can not miss!!

You guys are the best!! Thanks for everything!!

--Andrew

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