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millionsofstrangeshadows · 4 years

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A masterpost of (almost) everything problematic Emilie Autumn’s ever said and written

Introduction

A few days ago, someone on asked @shefightslikeagirl about examples of Emilie being condescending/ableist toward other mental illnesses than her own, and/or trying to elevate bipolar above others. Here’s my masterpost of the things I remembered and found (bear in mind it’s not nearly entirety of problematic things she’s said). It’s going to be a long, scan/screen heavy and commentary heavy text, so brace yourself for a lot of information. I think it’s all well known to old timers, but new fans coming aren’t always “in the know” and keep asking about past dramas. Here’s almost everything you need to know.

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When I was compiling all that and writing commentary, I had both MY personal opinion and the fandom’s opinions. I try to explain why those things are problematic. I added a lot of my own commentary especially in book scans section, in the form of me personally speaking to Emilie, as a direct response to what she wrote. Keep in mind it won’t be unbiased text, there’s a lot of my personal opinions here, I think it’s impossible to write a completely unbiased, sideless, proffesional text at this point, cause a lot of what she said/wrote hurt/disappointed/disgusted me and others and it would be really hard to do this without even a slightest bit of sarcasm. (But it’s all good. Emilie likes sarcasm, right? She even thinks most of the world is too stupid to understand sarcasm, it’s only her that is so intelligent. Plague Rats claimed they love sarcasm too, so why not having some?)

Also, I don’t care if I violated anyone’s Emilie-protective feelings, I don’t have problem with posting scans of the book. This version of the book is no longer available to buy in eBook version, no less in paper version, and I don’t think it will ever be anymore. Fragments I posted are NOT included in newest versions of her book and to know the context, you need to take a look at at the text. I won’t tell you to read page this and this in a book that is impossible to obtain.

I know a lot of you will say it’s all a big exaggeration. Well, there are certain things I didn’t pay attention earlier, things I took with a grain of salt or ignored, but now, as I got older, I notice those things and look at them a little differently. I listed most (not nearly ALL) things that were and can be viewed as problematic. These are just scans/screens plus commentary, I can’t and won’t persuade you to change your mind or behave a certain way in current situation. It’s your thing what you’re gonna think and do.

I know a lot of newer fans or those blindly in love with Emilie won’t agree with me or say:

1. „Oh that’s sarcasm, she’s not serious”

2. „it’s not a big deal”

3. „it’s EA, what were you expecting” or even

4. „I know all that and I don’t care.” I’m talking here on that „holier than thou” „I’m above you, suckers” attitude.

To those I have following responses:

Ad. 1 No, not every time she said those things Emilie was sarcastic. Some things she meant 100% serious and it’s widely known. And even when she jokes or is ironic, this doesn’t excuse her when she says completely hurtful, ableist, racist or (drugist? How do you call having biases against drug users?). „It was a joke”, this way you could excuse absolutely everything. And the hurt still remains, additional hurt and harm. Think about it for a while.

Ad. 2 I won’t force you to understand anything, all I can do is laying out evidences and explaining what’s so wrong about them. I cannot understand those who claim Emilie is 100% Innocent and has never done anything wrong. You’re either painfully blind or you’re lying to yourself. Hopefully you will see it for yourself in a few years, when you grow up a little, or when she personally hurt you too (block you, lash out at you, cast you out of her Asylum).

Ad. 3 Well, we accepted to be in an environment of understanding and empathy, a house for outsiders, a safes pace. That’s how Asylum was presented. The most of if not entirety of hate/drama/hurt and problematic situations were caused by Emilie directly. NOW, now we don’t expect anything from her. But back when all the shit was fresh and happening, we were confused and lied to ourselves, making unnecessary excuses for a grown up woman that refused to explain it herself and take responsibility for her actions, and we thought she would eventually grow up and change for the better each and every next time, up until most of us has had enough, either now with the current drama or a few past dramas.

Ad. 4 I can’t force you to change your mind, also I’m not forcing anyone to boycott Emilie, to stop listening to Emilie, to understand my point of view. Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t really care. Just don’t boast around how little you care, how you’re „above it all”, cause it mostly doesn’t speak well of you when you think all things are alright and easily dismissable. Also, nobody will look up to you as someone „cooler” or anything. Nobody cares if you ignore her shit or not. Do whatever the hell you want.

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Now, you can read entire thing or jump straight to the sections for whatever you need to read. Here’s a little bit of introduction with commentary on her „ward” thing, W14A, 3 diaries vs „Evidence of insanity” parts of the books and the newest ECT bullshit she added to newer versions of the book.

List of sections:

1. Introduction: the „asylum” and „psych ward”/”Evidence of insanity”/ECT

2. Fatshaming

3. Ableism

4. „Manatee R*tard”

5. Britney Spears

6. Emilie’s feelings towards drug addicts

7. Romanticizing of bipolar disorder

8. Emilie’s bipolar disorder vs „normal depression” and downgrading depression

9. Emilie’s descriptions on people with other mental illnesses

10. Schizophrenia

11. Schizophrenia part 2/Emilie’s „jokes”

12. Romanticizing of cutting and self-harm

13. Asexual discourse

14. Additional stuff, more or less discussed, also problematic

15. Final words and bonuses

RACISM:

Additional note: I’m leaving recent racism case out. I might add this in the future if needed, but for now, I think you’ve all seen everything for yourself. You can always read about the racism drama here:

https://shefightslikeagirl.tumblr.com/instagramincident/

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Introduction: the „asylum” and „psych ward”/”Evidence of insanity”/ECT

All throughout her career, EA referenced the hospital she stayed in as „asylum”. „I got locked up in an asylum”. This and also „psych ward”.

She claims W14A stands for her numer in the „asylum” and W stands for „ward”, 14 the number of the ward, A stands for the cell. She wrote that part of hospital she stayed in had words written over the entrance that spelled „psych ward”, from the way it sounds you can immediately see it’s impossible. Comming back to W14A, that’s complete utter bullshit, not a single modern institution refers to their patients by their „cell numbers”. No patient is „given a number”. Not in the way Emilie implied. Remember hand bracelets you get when you need to stay in a regular hospital? They always have a long number -- it’s a number of a patient staying at the hospital, it’s considered a normal thing by everyone, nobody questions that and nobody feels personally offended or stigmatized by that. I believe Emilie might get one of those long patient numbers, but that’s about that, only the number of X person entering the hospital. It couldn’t be „W14A”. Her claims of the LA hospital having „wards” and „cells” as a fact, not some victorian metaphore, are lies. She didn’t use those words to describe Emily with a Y’s victorian asylum, it was all about her modern day mental hospital. If you bought heavily edited 4th edition of TAFWVG (black with striped legs cover), you know that 3 personal journals of Emilie named „Cutting Diary”, „Drug Diary” and „Suicide Diary”, got ridiculously cut and edited, I’d say 90% of text got deleted and remaining text got randomly thrown on last pages of the book (it got omitted completely in eBook version). While those 3 diaries seemed like the heaviest but also the most personal and honest part of the original book, this feeling got washed out and destroyed completely by what she did to those diaries in 4th edition, somewhat putting in question their honesty. She compiled remaining edited scraps of all three diaries and titled them „Evidence of insanity: excerpts from confiscated notebook”. And she added some fake „commentary” from Dr Sharpe. Underlining certain fragments and madeup comments from Sharpe, explaining some things. All of them go like this:

Doctor’s Note: W14A exhibits paranoia and inability to remain in her own reality, begins to reference „Asylum” more frequently.

W14A is clearly experiencing delusions – arrange for time in the quiet room, keep away from other patients.

She basically states that her doctored referenced her as a number. I don’t believe it. It’s fucking bullshit. Even such „evil” doctors as EA considers Dr Sharpe to be follow their rules, don’t give out ward numbers to people and don’t refer to them by some bullshit „ward” and „cell” number. „Patient behaves this way or that way” – yes, but not „Ward 123 Cell D seems delusional, schedule lobotomy”.

Doctor’s Note: „His” is assumed to be referencing W14A’s boyfriend at the time of this writing. We have been investigating the identity of this man and have narrowed it down to two subjects, one extremely famous, one marginally so. Names will be made available to specialists upon request.

What? I mean WHAT? Yeah, we get it, Emilie, that you wanted to let us know you were dating Billy Corgan and Brendon Small in those years, we knew this already long ago. But the whole ridiculous „we have been investigating identity”?! Go ask yourself which fucking „asylum” doctor would care enough to do a fucking „investigation” on the identity of someone’s fucking boyfriends?!

But this one’s most fucked up:

W14A seems to have disassociated her own identity, episodic, each lasting for a longer period of time. We suspect she will continue further in this – stronger medication is needed, schedule electroconvulsive therapy.

She implies they at least scheduled ECT for her, if didn’t put her through ECT. There was NO mention of Emilie having ECT or having ECT planned for her in the original 1st and 2nd printing of the book. Not a single mention in interviews. Nothing. It’s a completely made up thing she fantasized only recently. She rewrites her own history over and over, adding more layers of lies. Now this sounds more like fantasy thing, these days EA treats her book more as fantasy novel. But back in 2009, this book had been marketed as „100 % true autobiography”. Suddenly, she writes more and more fantastical additions to HER OWN STORY, which in effect makes fans more and more sceptical about reality of her hospital stay. She basically dramatizes that hospital stay. If she dramatizes and fills it with fake elements now, who said she didn’t fake it 10 years ago? And people in the fandom had doubts about the way she portrayed the hospital stay for years, saying it’s a huge exaggeration and saying Emilie spits and rages at everyone in the hospital, feeling like a victim, when in reality all that was expected from her was following rules, and the way she was treated was the way everyone is treated in a regular mental institution. In effect, Emilie mainly made herself look like a spoiled brat. I don’t know what is true, what is not, I’m not saying some shit didn’t happen for real, but I don’t believe her „ward”, „psych ward” and W14A thing. EA’s flawed and irrational depiction of modern day psychiatric hospital is another subject.

But it’s also a real biography, just with mystery and time travel added, it’s so epic, but now that its finally here, I realize that a lot of people know so many intimate things about me and facts. It’s like they know me better than like my best friends, I hope I don’t regret it, but I don’t think I will, it’s that whole honesty thing again you know. I’d rather have 5 people at a show that love it, and likewise 5 people who read and understand or can relate to what I have to say; brutal, horrid truths about what really goes on in an asylum; it’s is really fucking uncomfortable, and I’m not going to sugar coat it. I think a lot of people may not know what they are in for when they buy it, it is funny and entertaining, but with the truths that go along with that, and when I did ‘Opheliac’, it was my truth and my obsessions, and the book is the same. It doesn’t try to pretend that it’s something it just clearly isn’t, which is all charming and pretty and nice, and all the things a supposed young woman should be. But I don’t give a fuck, it’s either this or death, and that’s what I’m trying to convey. It’s not daunting to share that with the world, it’s my relief that it’s out there now, so people know. I guess it comes down to that childish wish, or want to be noticed and be the centre of attention.

(Shakenstir interview)

Also once upon a time Emilie claimed TAFWVG is a 100 % historical book”. She claimed she’s done a massive research for the book and she called herself a „huge history nerd”.

It’s been proven by a lot of well-read people and victorian times fanatics in the fandom that her book is anything but historical, her knowledge of victorian times is very faint and it seems she’s done no reseach for the book AT ALL. There are signs of blatant ignorance in this book, for example, „resurgence of bubonic plague in England” when there was no bubonic plague in England in victorian times, or the usage of lobotomy in 1840s when lobotomy both as a term and procedure didn’t exist up until nearly 100 years later (the only thing existing then was trepanation). Her „Ophelia galeries” this is another bullshit: asylum tours were a thing in a previous epoque, I’ve never found ANY proof of specific „Ophelia” galleries taking place at all. Do I have to mention there’s no vultures in London? But that’s a talk for another day.

Fatshaming

Let’s just go straight to the scans.

4th edition of the book was heavily edited and modified. First the original story was hugely cropped up by the proffesional editor for a mainstream release, leaving all the bloody and ugly things out, like 3 diaries, abortion details, etc. Also suddenly making a 27 year old Emilie into a 17 year old Emilie. Nothing came out of that deal, except for the audiobook, which was this very edited and modified version.

Later came out also the paperback „normal book” edition of Asylum. It was hugely modified too, but EA sneaked things she wanted back in. She’s not 17 anymore here, I think. She even added tiny pieces of diaries back, but in a completely bastardized version (to see why, check the Evidence of insanity section). Emilie literally changed character’s looks, ages, stories and endings, she took time to do all that, but she didn’t bother to remove her fatshaming stuff. No, she actually added some more, in a much harsher words.

Now, I’ll allow myself to take these screen from Asylum_Oracle Instagram story, cause it’s all phrased perfectly already.

Ableism

Emilie got terribly offended when she had to be transported in the hospital in a wheelchair. It’s nothing out of ordinary -- you may be alive and well and totally walking on your own, but they offer to transport you by wheelchair. I got transported in wheelchair for magnetic resonanse, ultrasound, etc. I don’t know why they offer this, but I don’t see the reason to throw tantrums about it. The wheelchairs they use in hospitals for that kind of transporting are just plain hospital wheelchairs, NOT specially adapted wheelchairs for physically disabled. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to her.

However, she doesn’t have any problems with dancing and snaking around in the wheelchair onstage. This case was a huge drama, there was a lot of people offended, both physically disabled and not at all, also a lot of people (also disabled) dismissing it all and saying it’s not ableist. It’s your opinion, but I think you’re lying to yourself a bit. Take a look at her response to reader letter in Bizzare magazine and ask yourself, is that alright? Is it alright to you that she considers being compared to physically disabled offensive?

When you see her dancing and laying dramatically and using wheelchair as a prop and fashion statement – it is fucked up. In this case, the fact that she uses hospital wheelchair doesn’t excuse anything. I mentioned it to see that:

a) being transported in wheelchair in hospitals (don’t know about psychiatric hospitals, so I say hospitals) is something totally normal

b) wheelchair can be used for both transportation and for general use of disabled people.

But using the wheelchair for something other than a vehicle for disabled and a transport for others (for example, people who aren’t disabled but felt ill and aren’t strong enough now to walk on their own), it is viewed as ableist. Using wheelchair as a fashion statement, on the cover of magazine, photoshoot, etc., including able bodied person sitting, or in the case of Emilie, hanging upside down from the wheelchair for the cool effect, is ableist. Seeing EA dancing and standing on that wheelchair, hanging upside down/whatever else during shows was extremely hurtful to those who cannot dance, stand or casually change position in their wheelchair. Those people cannot stand up and then lie upside down from the wheelchair in a „cool, fashionable” pose. They use their wheelchairs as a necessity, not a fashion statement. It’s not a cool show prop to them, it’s a thing they cannot move and function without in most of everyday life situations. The wheelchair can be both a blessing and a curse to them.

You may not notice that, you may not even think of it that way, but take a moment to actually think for a while, try to understand and empathize with those who are disabled and hurt by EA’s „Wheelie” actions.

Examples of lack of understanding for those hurt by the situation and Plague Rats dismissing them, telling them to „make light out of their situations” and „not take their misery out on others” (this is disgusting):

‘But the worst thing about that is her response to Bizzare Magazine question. She didn’t consider how it might look to disabled people. She once again lashed out at the person asking and proceeded to make a victim out of herself, so fucking hurt by the necessity to use wheelchair once in her fucking life for a few minutes, so fucking hurt forever, literally, lifelong trauma, PTSD after being wheeled for a second from point A to point B, in a fucking hospital. And once again, as always, she points all the attention to herself, makes a poor wounded victim out of herself, then tells everyone who doesn’t agree to fuck off.

(Big thank you to loveyou-x3000 for finding that photo - isn’t it crazy that the only place you can find it now is the glorious archive of spreadingplagueoflulz... )

Transcription for those who have difficulty with reading from the scan:

Star Letter - Going to far?

I enjoyed Bizarre 161 from cover-to-cover, but the images featured in the Emilie Autumn feature were the only letdown.

I sustained spinal injuries and was milimeters away from having to use a wheelchair. The use of a wheelchair as a prop for an able-bodied model is entirely irresponsible and decidedly nasty. I’m aware that Bizarre publishes material that some may find offensive, but I feel the chair is there to represent the possibility of illness, injury, the thread of imperfection, damage and weakness.

While I can only applaud you for your exposure of disabled models such as Viktoria, you undo all your fine work when you publish an image like this. Bizarre is on the frontline of the battle against discrimination based on cultural identity, so why propagate a misleading and unhelpful image of disability? - TraumaDoll, YourBizarre

Emilie Autumn says: Dearest TraumaDoll, thank you for your letter. I’m sorry that you didn’t see the irony in these photos. I’ve experienced being in a wheelchair while on suicide watch on a psych ward. Despite my mental health issues, I’m far from being physically incapable, yet I’ve sure been treated like I am. This stigma will never end, so I’ll own my fucking wheelchair and I’ll brandish any tool that’s been used against me and others. The concept of these images shows the joke’s on me because if I can’t find the humour in these situations, I’ll dry up and die. Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against - people with mental illness ought not to be treated like idiots who deserve no respect. It’s this that I want to bring to the general public’s attention. With Love, Emilie.

Again, everything is excused by the great irony. It’s ironic, you just don’t get it. It’s all the great irony that seemingly nobody’s intelligent enough to understand. In the past, whenever Emilie said something questionable and people started asking, it’s all been dismissed as “being ironic”, the irony and highly intellectual sarcastic humour that you had to have high IQ to understand! (Take any older interview; Emilie loves to boast about her ironic sense of humour and how nobody understands her.) Also, screw what you feel - Emilie Autumn needs to make fun of mentally ill, drug abusers, plus sized nurses to stay alive. She needs to tell her schizophrenia jokes and pose provocatively upside-down on a wheelchair, cause if she can’t find humour in mocking others, she’ll dry up and die.

No matter how bad was your experience, no matter if you had spinal injuries, if you were on the verge of death or disability, or actually you are using the wheelchair, just remember that Emilie Autumn’s experience was way worse: she’s been through the hell of standard hospital procedure, the horrible necessity to sit down for a minute in a wheelchair to be transported, and her trauma lives on, this stigma will never end. Questioning the point of her hanging upside down from a wheelchair for a magazine is really offending, cause sexualizing wheelchair is her way of coping with catastrophic trauma of being sat down in a wheelchair for a minute or less. This way, you’re destroying her hard-won self-acceptance.

“People with mental illness ought not to be treated like idiots who deserve no respect”. That would be very true and important quote, if only it wasn’t put in a context it was put in. Emilie Autumn thinks that being likened to disabled people is offensive, being an able-bodied mentally ill and transported in a wheelchair is offensive, and so having to sit in a wheelchair and being transported is in her opinion being “treated like idiots who deserve no respect”. It’s a really poor choice of words, no matter the intention. If mental illness people ought not to be treated like disabled people, then it sounds like it’s disabled people who are those “idiots who deserve no respect”. I don’t think she truly intended to call disabled people idiots, but the way she said it makes it sound so disgusting.

Take a look at the way she subverts everything. She finds using the wheelchair as a “torture device” of transporting her despite her ability to walk gravely offensive, yet she cannot see how wheelchair users can be offended by her using the wheelchair to pose/perform on. She doesn’t try to understand why would disabled people and wheelchair users be offended by this kind of use of a wheelchair, she immediately turns it all around and accuses TraumaDoll of not getting her refined irony and taking a stab at her “hard-won self-acceptance”. It’s Emilie Autumn that’s the real victim of wheelchairs, right? Being likened to disabled people, getting the same treatment as disabled people, in her opinion (what happened to her was actually a way of transporting typical for every hospital, and being able-bodied has nothing to do with it) is worse than actually being a disabled person?

What the fuck does it really mean? It means that being SO OFFENDED by being transported in wheelchair implies that being compared to physically disabled is a biggest, worst offence to her. Thanks, Emilie. I’m sure your disabled fans are really flattered.

She didn’t really say “fuck you” in this response, but she didn’t really need to. The way it’s written already implies it loudly enough. If you know the way she writes her angry rants, the way she replied on the forums and formulated responses to any sort of criticism in general, then you know what’s hiding behind her words, which are “politely civilized” only on the surface. What she wrote was enough of a slap to the face. “With Love” was a bonus slap.

Manatee R**tard

I don’t use that word and usually if its needed, I’d write the word as above with **, but it’s her own words, so have them in full, as they were written.

youtube

„Manatee Retard” is a song written on tour and performed sometimes in 2009. It was a song about Captain Maggots, who was rumoured to be a „special” inmate.

Lyrics:

„Manatee Retard

Manatee Retard

Swimming in the Sea playing ‘round with you and me

Manatee retard

manatee retard

She’s an African dream, an ocean beauty queen

oh oh oh, manatee retard

oh oh oh manatee retard

manatee retard

manatee retard”

„The real problem is simply that we talk about a lot of things which is good, in our society, which is we can talk about child abuse, and rape, and all that stuff to some degree, but there’s still so much we don’t talk about, largely because we don’t know. One of these things is…well, on the subject of mental illness, we’ve no fucking…I mean, calling someone bipolar is now almost equivalent to calling someone retarded.”

Another thing that caused quite an outrage in the fandom. Emilie has a HUGE problem with women products placed next to baby products in shops. Here’s excerpt from the book. Same thing was said on other platforms such as her forum (2009) and Instagram (2014), but in much harsher words. This time, if we didn’t agree with her, we got called „fucking potatoes”.

January 16, 2009: In Which There Are Questionable Items In The Feminine Care A

Dearest Plague Rats,

Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture???

[Photo of baby care products next to feminine hygiene products.]

(thanks Shefightslikeagirl for source)

Again:

Britney Spears

One of the things that really bothered me personally was how she spits at drug addicts and celebrities with mental problems. She constantly made references to Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan, describing them as „stupid starlets”, „dumb fucks”, stupid fucks loaded on drugs and making fools out of themself. Emilie clearly suffers because of how tabloids call Britney bipolar. She constantly highlighted that the reason Britney behaved the way she did (shaving head, showing tits, etc.) was because she was „fucked up on drugs”, not because she suffered from any sort of mental illness. Now, I’m not a fan of Britney and I don’t know if she indeed has bipolar disorder, but we know she used to have severe mental problems at some point in her life and I think it’s very hurtful and cruel to judge „she doesn’t have this, doesn’t have that” or say she’s „a stupid idiot fucked up on drugs and making fool out of herself”. We don’t know the reasons behind Britney Spear’s behaviour, it might have been drugs, but EA treats drug addicts with real contempt, calling them idiots and whatnot, inventing offensive names for them and blaming them for their own stupidity and blaming then for „giving poor bipolar depressed victimized girls like her a bad name”. Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan give her bad name, just because they happened to have mental and drug problems and got called „bipolar” by tabloids. It’s not Britney Spear’s fault that tabloids armchair-diagnose her with bipolar disorder or whatever else. Britney Spears doesn’t have any power over what is published about her in magazines. It’s not her fucking responsibility to come out and say „I’m a dumb fuck, I’m just a stupid junkie, please don’t call me bipolar cause Emilie Autumn is gonna cry because of that”. Plus, how the fuck she’s so sure Britney doesn’t actually have bipolar disorder? Does the fact someone uses drugs doesn’t allow you to have bipolar disorder, depression o rany other mental condition? Does the fact your name is Britney Spears and you play kitchy pop music means that you cannot actually have mental illness? Does being a „starlet” scorned by Emilie Autumn and deemed „dumb fuck” exclude you from having the „priviledge” of having super fun and artistic glamorous bipolar disorder? Emilie acts as if Britney Spears couldn’t actually suffer from bipolar disorder, like her actions couldn’t be a result of that illness and like whatever eventual drug problems excluded her from having that mental illness. She considers her a fool that intentionally go out fucked up to get people’s attention and then get called bipolar, and intentionally „give bipolars bad name”. She clearly thinks bipolar is some uncommon issue, a rare artistic disease that only affects artistic, special, chosen people.

Here are quotes both from interviews and journals.

(Bipolar) “It’s just like a blank, almost insult for someone who’s acting fucking crazy, which essentially is doing something stupid.”

(Curve Magazine)

“The thing is that bi-polar disorder/manic depression, to begin with, is so intensely misunderstood in a way that really affects people and really matters. It doesn’t help if you’ve got people in Hollywood – Britney shaving her head and showing her whatever-the-hell (I couldn’t think of a clever word to call that right now) we’ve all seen it a million times, and not just with her. Basically, a famous person behaves badly and the next day in the paper, they start calling her bi-polar. It’s like “Oh my God, she acted crazy, she must be bi-polar.” It’s almost like calling somebody a retard.

Yeah, it’s like saying “That bitch is insane, she’s acting all bi-polar” and the thing is, no, they’re hopped up on drugs, that’s what. They might be miserable, and they might have good reason to be, but they’re not bi-polar – that’s something entirely different. This condition has made me try to kill myself, but it’s never made me get out of a cab without underwear or shave my head. It made me cut my hair, but that was different – I left a few inches on there.”

(Glade Magazine)

January 12, 2008: I throw up my hands…

“Hmmm…Suffer’s kidnapping and my plot for revenge has undoubtedly put me into a foul mood, something not entirely unassisted by my having been unable (happy “un” day) to refill my myriad drug prescriptions while on tour leaving me still unmedicated (which, in accordance with the public’s positively moronic understanding of bi-polar disorder, and yes, that is the exact same thing as manic-depression, folks, means that I ought to be out fucking some paparazzo guy whose name I can’t pronounce and jetting off to Mexico after shaving my head and getting myself kicked out of the Four Seasons every night)…but this would do in anybody’s day, UNless of course, as I’ve said before, you’re a fucking potato (would you be surprised if I told you just how many letters I’ve received from good people telling me, “Although according to you I’m a "fucking potato” - insert UNnecessary *wink* here - I’m a big F-A-N"):

As long is no one’s biting their tongue today, I will confess that I HAVE gotten into trouble at the Four Seasons, and Lady Joo Hee can confirm it…I was refilling our champagne flutes during high tea with the vanilla vodka I had stashed in my sarcastic pink thermos, and waiter boy didn’t like it, poor thing…best day evah!

Hey, Brit Brit, I’m on my way!

p.p.s.

Note To The Press: Being Bipolar doesn’t make you do any of the things that the Hollywood fucked-up are doing. Being a drug addict does. There’s a big difference. And it’s days like these that give me the slightest splinter of a reminder of why in the hell I am writing a book about it. So, please, remind me of this day when it comes out and I can’t quite recall why I went to the trouble.”

(From forum journal)

Potato - A derogatory slang term used to describe the mentally handicapped.

And now we’re coming to another closely related subject, which is Emilie’s very visible disgust for drug addicts.

Emilie’s feelings towards drug addicts

I screened that next quote and seemingly forgot to save it and I can’t find it now, sorry. But I remember that at some point she says specifically:

„These people might have taken a lot of drugs, but I actually tried to kill myself. Which is more crazy?”

Yeah, sure Emilie, you gain upper hand in this argument. Those people might have taken a lot of drugs, but you win this round because you tried suicide, yes, you’re more crazy, congratulations. (Hey… didn’t she actually say she’s NOT crazy? Decide for once.) As if people abusing drugs don’t try to commit suicide. As if they weren’t suicidal, didn’t use the substance they abuse to try to kill themselves. Their whole drug use is a long suicide in some way or another. People are drugs are just stupid, irritating, REALLY CRAZY honest to god lunatics, who are too stupid to actually have any idea of themselves, to have feelings and to ponder the oh so inteligent question „to be or not to be”.

There's no word on her being officialy "lunatic", i.e. mentally ill. Even if Kara is indeed mentally ill in some way, it's pretty disappointing how Emilie categorizes and judges illnesses - depression and bipolar disorder patients are perfectly sane, it's so offesive to call them crazy lunatics, this title is reserved for such oddities like schizophrenics and drug users. Emilie is not "crazy", she's always "stark raving sane", it's junkies that are crazy and violent lunatics. Kara's biggest fault is mostly being loud and too talkative for Emilie's liking, flirting with guards, talking out loud what she thinks. She shouted at staff, but her curses and other words didn't hurt anyone nor threaten anyone's safety, she got ignored just like every screaming patient gets ignored. She's detoxing from crack and it would be honestly surprising if she acted polite and satisfied. I’d like to notice that Emilie shouted and lashed out at hospital staff, nurses and doctors a lot of times too. She loudly cursed and „raved” too, yet she doesn’t deem her outrage „violent” or nonsensical (excuse me, in what way exactly „If leaches ate peaches” was more sensible and intelligent that whatever shit shouted by Kara?). Is her screaming fit directed at Sharpe really that much different?

Notice that Emilie calls Kara mad from the very beginning, when she’s done as little as asking for mixed juice. No matter what she does or says, Emilie documents everything with a great joy and reserves almost entire page for calling her offensive names. She hears that guards are violent towards her and she doesn’t have a sympathy for her. So where’s your Fight Like a Girl attitude, Emilie? Where is condemnation of misogyny and abuse? It’s horrible when men are abusive and violent towars women, UNLESS they are drug addicts?

If you don’t view this as problematic, you’re very delusional. She’s got real issues and real prejudices against drug users.

Romanticizing of bipolar disorder

There’s a lot of weird things she says about bipolar disorder, she often acts as one true medium of bipolar disorder, some sort of proffesor specialized in bipolar disorder, knowing everything. She can only be an expert on her own bipolar disorder experiences, but just because she experiences this and that doesn’t mean every person suffering from bipolar experiences same things as her. That’s what i feel about her madeup „statistics” on three out of four bipolars jumping out of the window, or that „there’s a bipolar phenomenon that every bipolar person in the world wakes u pat 4 o’clock!!!” What you have in mind is insomnia, not that a „bipolar thing is to wake u pat 4 o’clock on the fucking dot”. That’s bullshit, but not most irritating of everything she said on the matter.

What unnerves me more is her glamourization of bipolar disorder. While she describes her struggles and downsides of the illness in lenght, she often praises bipolar, talks how it opens some special doors, how incredible it is, etc. She mentiones being bipolar in EVERY DAMN INTERVIEW, before even speaking about music. She’s the one that called herself „famously bipolar” in her own fucking biography promo description.

Some of these are just rather realistic descriptions of bipolar disorder and benefits of manic phases, but if you look at the sheer AMOUNT of bipolar mentions, bipolar talk being the staple of almost every interview, to the point where she sometimes brings up fucking word in word same sentences, as if she recited it from the memory (same as FLAG talk, same as “classic music selling less than jazz, and it’s really fucking low”)... (Well, I tried bringing you more “varied” answers at least):

“So when it comes to bi-polar, anxiety, whatever it takes you to this whole another world of creativity that is never ending.”

“It puts you on another planet a bit to where you see things differently. You know, the sunlight looks different, everything looks different and it makes you a very dramatic person which then leads to…it’s like other people hear a leaf fall, and you hear a house crash. That’s something that makes you…you have this intensity of experiences that need to be let out. You just see things differently which have a unique point of view which then makes it slightly interesting. Still unfortunate - I’d still trade it in for anything else but, while it’s here, I’m going to use it for all it’s worth so that I’m not a victim of it.”

(Metal Discovery interview)

“It is, and that’s because nobody understands it. I know that I’m derailing, but it’s fun to talk about the whole bi-polar thing for a second.

So I could either try to live a normal life and be 9-5, whatever, and have background checks and psychiatric evaluations and have that matter, or I can take everything and make it my career. Now it’s like: how can you fuck with that; it’s what we’re making money off of, and that’s a beautiful thing*. I’m honestly pretty proud of that, because I’m not ashamed of anything.”

(Glide magazine)

*She sure made a lot of money off of that, lol.

“As a writer, a creative person, [bipolar disorder] gives you access to a place that you would not otherwise be able to go to.”

Interviewer: You’re often described as being “famously bipolar,” so I wasn’t sure if all the drama was just part of the show.

“No, that was all completely legit. It is kind of funny – and I’m not ashamed of this in any way – that a large part of what I’ve fortunately been able to figure out and build a career around”

(wrestling with pop culture interview)

Here’s one of those repetitive answers:

“That access to a particular portal of creative awesomeness,” she says. “When you’re writing on the ceiling because you can’t find enough paper to contain your thoughts.” Countered, unfortunately, by long periods of bleak depression. “So it isn’t a good tradeoff — no high is worth that kind of suicidal low,” she says.”

I want to make it clear that despite all that, she usually adds the bad sides of bipolar and she admits it’s not worth this kind of low, as stated above. But that’s too much of talking on one subject only nonetheless – nearly every interviewer, no matter if he asked or not, has to listen to her ramblings on being bipolar. I don’t think i know any other artist that boasts about his bipolar disorder on every occasion or brings it up as much as Emilie.

There’s a photo from 2012 where she shows her „bipolar pin”, literally a button pin with both :) and :( emoticons and „Certified bipolar” text. It was really in a bad taste – wearing your illness as some sort of badge of honor or a title earned at your local scout meeting. I think the pin was stylized as this exactly, a scout badge, something to proudly wear around.

(If you happen to have this particular photo I’m talking about, please send it to me!)

Emilie’s bipolar disorder vs „normal depression” and downgrading depression

“Depression is serious business, but it’s something you can develop through life. Bipolar disorder is completely genetic. You’re either born with it or you’re not and there’s no getting rid of it through any amount of medication. It’s always going to be there, but it’s a matter of deciding after so much incarceration and suicide attempts, if you’re going to die or if you’re going to fight and live.”

It’s not true bipolar disorder is strictly genetic, like you’re sentenced to bipolar from the beginning of your life. It can appear at some point in life due to stress, long drug use (it’s a chemistry after all, it changes your brain), some other lesions and other mental problems. Environmental risk factors include a history of childhood abuse and long-term stress. It’s not true it only happens when you have a history of bipolar disorder in your family. Causes of bipolar disorder are still not clearly understood, but the fact is a lot of different factors and environments make an ill person and saying it’s ONLY genetic isn’t really correct. Plus, i hate how she literally highlights that because of genetics, whe’s sort of doomed for this fate since her fake great-great-great-grandmother Alice Liddel, while “mere depression can be developed”, “depression can be easily treated”.

Emilie’s descriptions on people with other mental illnesses

(Reminder: Emilie considers herself mad, but also not insane, because bipolar is not crazy, she’s „stark raving sane”.)

It can just be about taking a person of any sort and can be as simple as bringing them this enjoyment or taking someone who has some serious problems and maybe reminding them while having a sexy sparkling fun time in one small way relying on your individuality to carry you through crazy times or not paying attention to a bunch of doctors who tell you that you are insane just because you do certain things doesn’t necessary mean that you are crazy. Because you are bi-polar doesn’t mean that you are crazy. Crazy is a whole different term.

Who is „crazy” then?

Again, she’s „sad”, other illnesses are „dangerous”.

Now, brace yourself for one specific illness that got slandered in quite a lenght…

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia part 2/ Emilie’s „jokes”

Emilie has a penchant for making „mental illness jokes”. She gets hellishly offended when someone says anything on her bipolar disorder, but it’s totally fine for her to make jokes on conditions she doesn’t have and certainly doesn’t understand. By the way, if you look at her schizophrenia jokes, you’ll see she’s quite misinformed about what schizophrenia is.

Yes, you do hear voices when suffering from schizophrenia. But you DON’T take on a 2nd persona, different to your usual personality. Developing unconscious personalities is a symptom of dissociative identity disorder. If you want more Wikipedia sort of description:

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. The illness is accompanied by memory gaps beyond what would be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

(taken from Troll Like a Girl, the quote comes from Opheliac Deluxe Edition.)

Ok, you don’t find this offensive? Try putting yourself in a schizophrenic person’s shoes. I know EA offended a lot of schizophrenic people. And even if you don’t have schizophrenia, nothing gives you permission to make fun of it or dismiss it. Or speak for everyone and claim that something is “not offensive for schizophrenics”, ESPECIALLY if you don’t have schizophrenia.

Next joke:

Here’s an opinion of a person actually having OCD, plus something that’s probably never been discussed this way:

You can hear all that and more here, by the end of the video. “What illnesses you do NOT have”... How funny...

youtube

So, are they lighthearted jokes? Emilie’s „way of coping”? She claims it’s her way of coping, in order to not go mad, to not go and blow her head and drown herself, etc. and so on. We’ve heard it all in her interviews, right. Yeah, her way of coping is basically offending sufferers of other illnesses. Emilie, if you like joking about yourself so much, why don’t you joke about your bipolar disorder instead of someone else’s illnesses, which you don’t understand? Why do YOU get so mad when someone jokes at your own disorder? That’s literally degrading someone else’s illness to feel better about your own. That’s low even for you.

_______

You’d probably protect Emilie saying „But it’s sarcasm! She’s just showing victorian standards and victorian obsession with madness! But she herself speaks against romanticizing of mental illness in the book!” Yes, she speaks negatively about victorian and modern examples of romanticizng of mental illness, but at the same time she doesn’t preach what she speaks, she romanticizes it herself. She spoke about downsides and suffering of mental illness in lenght, but she also wrote and repeatedly said A LOT of very problematic things, including stuff that is apparent glamourizing of madness and ESPECIALLY self-harm. I will sacrifice a lot of space for dissection of her Cutting Diary.

Romanticizing of cutting and self-harm

***(TRIGGER WARNING! Please don’t read if you find this topic triggering, there’s A LOT of glamourization of cutting.)***

Yeah, Cutting Diary. While I don’t think it’s 100 % bullshit and she noted a lot of accurate observations (especially on how society views cutting and self-harm), she wrote a ton of questionable things in that diary that, no matter what her intentions were, sound pretty fucked up. And I think intentions are clear, she spoke her mind so clearly that there is really no point in further making excuses for her, attempts at finding explanations for the shit she wrote or saying that „she didn’t mean it, it was sarcastic” – there was no sarcasm when she repeatedly called bleeding „beautiful”. I’m aware a lot of people never had a chance to read it in full (I’m talking to 4th edition book owners now – your book contains next to nothing from original story in case of Emilie Autumn’s story, she cut out at least a good half of hospital entries and she deleted basically entirety of her diaries, only leaving 10 or so scant tiny fragments, filed as „Evidence of insanity”), I’m aware some never read it because of trigger factor or never re-reads it anymore because of that. If you feel triggered by Cutting Diary/Drug Diary/Suicide Diary, I advice you to leave out this section. But if you look for specific examples of her glorifying self-harm with paragraphs and words highlighted, as well a bit of commentary, here in Cutting Diary excerpts you will find all that and more. As I said, not everything in that diary is shitty, some of her opinions are very accurate, it’s worth reading it to form your opinion (but not if reading on self-harm is triggering to you). But the fragments I posted speak volumes, that’s best examples you will find.

She explains her reasons and feelings and how horribly self-harmers are treated by society very clearly and a lot of what she says is true. What is problematic however are passages where she clearly becomes enchanted (sorry for the pun...) with some sort of „beauty of cutting”, she thinks cutting and bleeding is beautiful, uses a lot of pretty comparisons and words and expresses her pride of her new cuts.

This very attitude of "scarring so they see my pain/illness" is the reason that honestly depressed and struggling self-harmers get accused of being emo phase attention whores. I don’t think Emilie started cutting purely for show, I believe, like a lot of cutters, looked for a way of escapism. But if she’s done it as a „fuck off” for all people asking, a visible proof of authenticity of her manic depression... that’s questionable and naive at the very least.

I used to cut a lot, but I never deemed my blood flow „beautiful”, „something to be proud of” or a meaningful „artwork”. I didn’t collect my bloody tissues. I didn’t have a treausured cutting kits or favourite „tools”. My family used to take and throw my razors away. They also hid/threw out all the razors in the house, shaving razors, etc. They did that because they were worried and hoped lack of razors might stop me from cutting at least for a while. I would never throw a hissy fit about someone throwing out „my favourite razor” or „beautiful artwork masterpiece and whole year documentation of Top 20 cuts on my body”. I wouldn’t make threats like „this bitch better watches her back”. This is fucking ridiculous. If there’s ONE thing embarassing about it all (and I will always fight anyone calling cutting yourself embarassing, or cringey emo phase, or wanting attention), it’s this particular thing, raging at someone because she threw out your favourite razor, probably living in a cozy little bed made of victorian matchbox and called Mr. Thompson or Mr. Wilde, plus a true modern art of papers filled with „beautiful droplets of crimson tears”. This is fucked up and this I would count to the list of glamourization of cutting.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about her want to have scars left, re-cutting the old wounds so that they become more visible, or worrying about scars that are fading away too fast. I think self-harmers just concentrate on the action of cutting, to feel the pain that would allow them to escape psychological pain, not on „wanting scars”. That’s so fucked up. I can’t fucking imagine any cutter being GLAD that they have visible scars. Or STRIVING to get more scars, more visible. Scars left after cutting are a real torment to both ex-cutters and ongoing cutters because of how society treats cutters. It’s a thing that fills them with a huge amount of shame and self-disgust, all those problems with covering wrists/other parts with clothes, worrying what if somebody notices, what if somebody asks, what if your friends notice and mock you and leave you. As a person constantly asked „What happened to your arms?” by complete strangers, mocked, called „emo” and „attention seeker” by people I used to call „friends”, eventually left by those fucking idiots AND as a person that has scars so deep and visible that after almost 9 years are very much apparent (because they’re healed white scars that won’t ever fade, they’ll stay forever), EA’s whole fucking want to have scars, to make them visible, to use them to let everybody show she’s sick and unapproachable, this is fucking disgusting.

I don’t think she still has this mindset anymore, but what she wrote in Cutting Diary is fucked up.

Asexual discorse

Ever since 2003-2005 Emilie claimed she’s asexual. The problem with her identifying as asexual is her definitione of being asexual, which is as faulty as it could be.

Here is right definitione of asexuality.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.[1][2][3] It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof.[4][5] It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.[6]

Asexuality is distinct from abstention from sexual activity and from celibacy,[7][8] which are behavioral and generally motivated by factors such as an individual's personal, social, or religious beliefs.[9] Sexual orientation, unlike sexual behavior, is believed to be "enduring".[10] Some asexual people engage in sexual activity despite lacking sexual attraction or a desire for sex, due to a variety of reasons, such as a desire to pleasure themselves or romantic partners, or a desire to have children.[7][11]

Emilie's definition of asexuality:

About your sexuality; what are your tendencies? Are you hetero, bi, lesbian…?

“I think for the most part I feel asexual, which is a kind like you are not completely attracted to either men or women, is in between spaces which is almost as to be bisexual, because you don’t have a real choice. I’ve been with men, of course, but I love women so much (and you can see it on stage) …and that’s what men think: “oh, this is what women do?” that doesn’t make me a lesbian, it’s just what happened. But at the same time there’s a part that I don’t like, and is to don’t be on only one side, because it makes me confuse. And often I watch all from the outside, and I watch all as it is fine, and I respect it. I’m just proud that more and more people show their own tendencies and sexuality in a more free way, I speak even about my shows, where there’s a “lesbian marriage” every night. We started like a joke, and it develop in a very good thing, where people feel more and more comfortable to show themselves.”

Then, suddenly this happened:

Ok, if you didn’t dislike sex, if you were attracted sexually to others, then you weren’t asexual. From what i understand, she had a lot of boyfriends that happened to be bad at bed and suddenly she met someone who wasn’t and she needed to tell everyone in the world… It’s good she finally said she isn’t asexual, cause it would be ridiculous if she still claimed to be, but it’s just that she was misinformed/didn’t care to actually read wtf that means. That’s it – that’s the whole asexual thing.

Additional stuff, more or less discussed, also problematic

Say that to women who had to part with their breasts because of cancer...

Idk about you, but it’s the choice of photo that bothers me. This i san article compiling all the bad shit that happened to her – rape, abuse, depression, contrasted with info on sexuality AND a sexy photo session, with EA putting her finger between her mouth. I think we’re all not surprised that when asked about „what’s inside her mind”, she will 100 % bring up bipolar, supplemented with rape and abuse. But this is fucked up. You have all that horrible traumatic stuff and it’s accompanied by sexy semi-lingerie photo. It changes the sound of it all dramatically, it makes it sound as if she lists all the traumatic stuff and make it look her sexy points. Like romanticizing. I don’t know who chose that photo for this article, it might as well be Kerrang’s fault. She made that „Queen of Hearts” costume specifically for Kerrang photoshoot. I don’t know if she had that costume specifically in mind for this particular article. But it’s her own words, her own costume and her chosen pose. Idk whose fault is this, but it looks kinda distasteful. It make it read like „hey, I’m Emilie Autumn, i’m super hot, and these are my super hot mental issues, and rape and abuse, wink wink”.

Analogical situation: combination of heavy subject, suicide, with sexy suggestive pose. Sarcastic? Ironic? Still kinda odd. It didn’t bother me before, but now it lowkey does.

„Lithium chic” fashion. Her sarcastic t-shirts with puns very intended. At the time it seemed super witty and smart. After you grow up a bit, it’s not so cute anymore.

„Lithium chic” is a play on „heroin chic”, a fashion trend of 90s, which is a look promoted by huge fashion designers. Those designers not only started making „grunge” collections (a style based on flannel shirts, a common element of wardrobe of so called „grunge” scene of punk/alt rock bands like Nirvana, Mudhoney, Melvins, Tad, Mother Love Bone and their fans, bands coming not only from Seattle but also up to 100 kms away from Seattle, who wore flannels because of warmth and weather factor, not because that was in „fashion” where they lived – designers of course took it and thought it’s genuine real fashion trend), but also created a „heroin” look based on what they thought is the look of girls addicted to heroin. That look involved hot models putting fake grease in their hair, heavy smeared make up, ripped clothes and heavy boots and generally being almost anorexically thin. It was a straight up glamourization of heroin addicts.

Does it make it any better if it’s sarcastic? No matter what were EA’s intentions, it’s still tank tops with mental illness puns, it’s still making a fashion statement out of serious issues.

Personally, i didn’t pay much attention to that matter. I remember how everybody loved those tanks... It seemed so witty at the time. People actually wanted her to sell that kind of t-shirts/tanks. Can you imagine yourself parading in that kind of tanks now? I’d honestly feel pretty stupid.

I think good part of fans/ex-fans will dismiss this case, ignore or like those tanks nonetheless. Tbh, it’s not the most offensive thing she’s ever done. I don’t feel anything when I look at those tanks, aside from the fact that I think now it’s rather distasteful. It’s up to you to decide if it’s offensive to you. But it’s still something that CAN be called problematic and deserves its place here. What I find most fucked up is wearing your depression medice as a fashion statement. It’s just as cringey as wearing „I love cocaine” t-shirt. Who the fuck cares what you take?

This really irritates me:

Final words

My finishing 2 cents:

Laughing at mentally ill and mentally disabled, or considering songs like „Manatee R****d” cute and funny really does say a lot about your maturity and empathy. Downsizing and dismissing something just for your own comfort, because you’re „bored” or uncomfortable, says a lot too. Don’t tell others what to be or not to be offended by. You’re not everyone and you don’t make rules for what is internationally offensive or acceptable. There could be literally one single person in the world hurt by EA’s words and it STILL always be be hurtful words. The fact that someone else got offended is enough. Your “but it’s not offensive” has nothing to do here and doesn’t change that fact - it is offensive when it offended someone. Same with her idiotic claims. Emilie doesn't decide that she's not racist - if she clearly said something racist and silenced POC, and offended black (and other) people, the fact remais that she said something racist and behaved racist, no matter what she'd like to think. Even if her intentions aren't purely racist, ableist, fatphobic from the start, it's her actions that scream the most. It's her actions that showcase what she really is. And her actions paint a really unflattering image.

To those eager to excuse EA’s behaviour with bipolar disorder, EA’s own words:

Something to think about:

Thank you for listening. Feel free to take scans/excerpts for other platforms if you need certain proof, share and discuss.

And a little bonus:

#emilie autumn #emilie autumn problems #emilie autumn drama #ableism #fatshaming #emilieautumn #opheliac #the asylum for wayward victorian girls #the asylum #plague rats

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sansybones · 5 years

Text

Deltarune Reaction!!!

I finished Deltarune!!! My reactions/initial thoughts are UNDER THE CUT :))

S P O I L E R S

L O N G lol

So!!!! THIS WAS A SURPRISE haha I think this caught us all unprepared but it’s the kind of surprise that I’m thrilled to encounter. I have been having fun reading other people’s reactions and theories, but I wanted to record my own ideas before they get mixed in with the ideas of others.

These are my INITIAL impressions and theories, I’m VERY open to changing my mind and probably will. I like to sit for a long time and think about things before forming conclusions :) I don’t intend to stick to any of it really rigidly. Hopefully you find it fun to read!

OVERALL: oh my GOODNESS I am SO impressed with this game?? First of all -- it’s a whole game??? Toby????? It’s like 5 hours that was just snap-released for FREE? With a MUCH more robust battle system and some REMARKABLE improvements (like running! character creator! party system!!!) I’m *so* impressed. It was fun and funny and I was engaged and loving every minute of it.

I LOVE the new characters, which blows me away. I honestly didn’t think I had space in my heart to love new characters but... oh my goodness... I love all of them??? I ADORE Susie, Raslei was super cute and fun to play as, Lancer was hilarious, I love the new monsters and I love??? Roulxs??? hahaha I think Toby was REALLY SMART to focus this game on an (almost) entirely new cast.

Some specific ideas...

I don’t exactly know what to make of Darkners and their world. The whole cave experience felt un-real. I mean to say that it never really felt very real to me playing as Kris. It always felt a bit through-the-looking-glass... like this isn’t a real thing that is happening and I was never very scared that “I will die”. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, it’s just a thing I noticed that I’ve been thinking about a lot. My impression of the experience was that it was something Asriel conjured. Like he wanted to take Kris through this DnD-like experience because he... missed them? Needed to teach them something?? That’s very unclear to me right now. I want to believe that Lancer and the Darkner crew are “real”. But in a meta-context... they’ll never be more or less “real” than Asriel or Sans and maybe that’s the point.

ASRIEL was SUCH a mindblowing twist!! I’m so excited that FINALLY Asriel gets the narrative exploration he deserves :)) But what is he doing here?? Is the Darkner world... college....? hahaha

Susie’s comments on use of force really struck me. I don’t necessarily agree with them, but it’s something that I have been thinking a lot about and will need to think a whole lot more about. I think that discussion was a “gap” in the framework of Undertale and it’ll be interesting to see how it’s explored. (That being said I think Undertale is complete in its thesis, it’s just an element that left me wondering after that game.)

“Your choices don’t matter” was a pretty strong message in the early part of the game, but it’s one that I don’t think actually proves out throughout the game itself. There is already evidence of multiple endings (@withtheworms and I got slightly different endings, even though early evidence seems to point to the fact that a no-mercy run isn’t possible.) The Amalgamates in the graveyard and the existence(?) of Happsta -- due to Alphys never becoming royal scientist -- is a pretty strong signal to the contrary. It’s almost like “It’s a Wonderful Life” in its sentiment.

Seeing UT Characters in the overworld made me SO SAD. Asgore... you’re a mess... The soul-coloured flowers REALLY freaked me out. Echoes of the other world... you see a flower portrait in Asriel’s bedroom too. But, I’m happy because it fits with my idea of ToriGori ;) I was bummed out that Undyne and Alphys aren’t together and Bratti and Catty are enemies :(( I think the person in the curved house is Hapstablook (!!!) AND SANS??? W-...WHY DO YOU HAVE GRILLBY’S??? WHAT HAPPENED TO GRILLBY!? W-... WHAT??? (I will dedicate a LOT of thought to wtf is up with Sans in this hahaha)

Toby has confirmed that this is an AU and I consider that settled, but just because it’s an AU doesn’t mean it’s not a *connected* AU, and I’m really interested in exactly HOW it’s connected to Undertale. The big reason I think it must be a connected AU is ... well “why use UT chars at all, otherwise”?

There’s so much space to make a “spiritual sequel” or a completely different game. If Toby really wanted a fresh start, he wouldn’t have kept so much from UT.

This isn’t a “shared universe” kind of AU, because the existing characters/history is very different. The UT characters seem like much more than just cameos.

This doesn’t seem to be a “Tenchi Muyo” style AU where they just use the same cast of characters and put them in a different context. The context isn’t that different! The characters do seem to be very deeply affected by some material change in the timeline.

This obviously isn’t a “reboot” type of AU like the Star Trek movies... the same story with some slight changes/updates. (Thank goodness for that)

I think it’s a “split timeline” AU. The rules of the world are similar, but some significant change in the timeline altered the course of history and the people within it.

As for that change... did the monster war never happen? Did Kris fall instead of Chara? We’ll need to hunt for the evidence and think about that one.

That all being said, I LOVE that it’s an AU... that ties in very well with how fandom has chosen to interpret the game and expand on its universe.

Plus... A lot of our UT fanon (including Gasters) lives on ;;)))

I think, ultimately, Deltarune is exploring a similar “self-aware NPC in a game” idea that Undertale was exploring. I’m so excited to see more of it.

The ENDING - was CREEPY. I didn’t realize on my playthrough that you could MOVE the soul in the cage, which has some specific implications imo. The ending had me thinking a lot more about the very beginning (with the “character creator”.) Who is running THAT part of the game? How does that connect to DeltaRune? To Undertale? If it’s an “experiment”, what is the experiment trying to determine?

In closing... I LOVED it. I can’t wait to think more about it and play with these new ideas. I hope Toby doesn’t stress out too much /:) I know he’s literally never going to read this but I still want to send positive vibes his way. Toby!! Don’t worry so much!! We love you!! I trust and believe in his ability to hire managers, programmers and artists to build the thing that speaks his vision as clearly as he desires. Follow your dreams, Toby, we support you!! Take as long as it takes just don’t get hurt <3 <3 <3

#deltarune #deltarune spoilers #deltarunespoilers

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illfoandillfie · 5 years

Note

hey actual queen of roger taylor smut, can i ask for some advice ? i’m trying to write something and i just can not get it sounding how i want. can’t get it past that kind of awkward, cliche phase if you know what i mean. do you have any tips for smut writing or anything you do yourself ? would be very much appreciated :)) xx

ksjgdhjs well idk if i deserve that title but I’ll try and help!

so when i write, the first draft is just about getting the basic ideas down. I have an outline of the main things I want to happen and I follow that and try to fill in the blanks/inbetween parts. This means the first draft is often littered with cliches and poor word choice because I’m more focused on making sure I know where everyone’s hands are and that if they start in position A they can get to position B in a way that makes sense. If I can’t think of anything better than “their tongues battled for dominance.” then I put it down and move along.

when I go back to edit I try to fix that sort of stuff. Cliches can be good, and you don’t have to get rid of all of them, but you don’t want there to be too many of them too close together either, and the trick is knowing which is the good kind and which is the bad kind. I wish I had some of my drafts so I could take some screencaps for examples but I write in word online so it gets saved over when I make a change, I’ll try and pull some stuff from memory though.

So, theres this bit in I’ll Make It Up To You

I’m pretty sure this was a ‘tongues battle for dominance’ bad cliche moment in draft 1. I knew I wanted a kiss in there but I didn’t know how to describe it so I used the cliche. When I came back to it once I’d finished writing I had a better understanding of the characters and their emotions and also just a better idea of how to write than when I’d started. I realised I needed this kiss to demonstrate how much the two characters had missed each other so I tried to focus on that. It was easy with the reader character cause I could just flat out say “god you’d missed this” and it works but I wasn’t writing Roger’s POV so I had to try and get it across through describing his movements and expressions and stuff that reader would be able to see and feel - “pulling you as close to him as you could possibly get.”

I think I also tried to describe the kiss in more detail when I was editing - I definitely remember trying to work in something about teeth clashing or something like that. I was really trying to make it obvious how much they missed/needed each other but it ended up sounding just as bad and cliched as what I originally had. So I simplified it, cut out excess description and just said it was messy and needy and figured whoever was reading it would know what I meant, or at least be able to picture what they see as a messy and needy kiss. Sometimes you have to trust that your audience can picture something without you giving a beat by beat description.

Then theres this from QITL 2

Taken on its own, out of the context of the rest of the story, thats a fairly standard line. It could have come from any number of smut fics and could easily be described as somewhat cliche. But its a different type of cliche to the ‘tongues battling’ one above. Plus, when it’s in the context of the rest of the fic it’s not as noticeable.

I find that a lot of smut writing (or just writing in general i guess) is just about balance. It’s walking a thin line between too much and not enough. To much description gets in the way of the story and the characters. Not enough leaves your audience confused. Cliched language can be good, especially if you havent experienced what you’re writing about so don’t know exactly how it’d feel, you can use cliches like ‘gasping for air’ and ‘back arching off the bed’ and ‘hard enough to bruise’ because you’re audience will understand what you’re saying with them. But cliches like ‘tongues battling’ and describing his ‘blue orbs’ should probably be reworded because they’re so ubiquitous now that it pulls your audience out of the rhythm of story.

It’s something you get better at the more you write, but heres a couple of things I do when I’m trying to fix awkward phrasing:

1. Edit multiple times - something might hit you as particularly clumsy or awkward on your second or third read through that you completely missed on your first. But likewise, if you read over something a few times the way to fix it becomes clearer

2. Look at the sentences around the one your trying to fix - sometimes the problem isn’t so much with the one sentence you’ve noticed. sometimes its the way the previous sentence leads into it. or the way the next sentence starts. sometimes its some clumsy dialogue from earlier in the paragraph thats throwing the whole thing off.

3. Think about what your characters want and what they feel and try to get that across in your word choice. If Character A feels touch starved and needy choose words that emphasise those feelings - mention how their fingers twitch at the thought of touching Character B, things like that. If Character A is eager to please, use words like enthusiastically or without hesitation. Mix emotive phrases in with the standard smut phrases - they balance each other out and make cliched language appear less cliched.

4. Take a break! Sometimes you just look at something for too long and everything starts sounding bad! I always try to take a break in between finishing my first draft and starting to edit. Do something away from your writing, make a cup of tea or watch an episode of a tv show or read a chapter of a book or put on a load of laundry, anything that will make your mind focus on something else. Then you can come back with fresh eyes and properly evaluate what you’ve written.

5. Read things out loud. It’s not always easy to do, especially if you live with other people and you don’t want them to know what you’re writing, but it does help. Even just whispering it to yourself. It forces you to pay attention to what you’ve written which makes it easier to pick up on mistakes you’ve made (both grammatical and things like how your characters are positioned), and also pick up on clumsy/awkward/bad word choice. It’s the thing I do most when something feels off but I can’t work out what, it helps narrow down where the issues lie which makes them easier to fix.

This got longer than I meant it to be so hopefully something in here helps you! Let me know if you have any other questions or want more details about something I mentioned in here!!

#idontbelievethiss #writing advice #ask #(i really like talking about the process of writing lmao)#(also #sorry this took so long for me to answer!#i was asleep when it came through #and i started writing an answer this morning #but i got interrupted about half way through #so had to come back later lmao)

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saasproductreviews · 3 years

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Utilizing Wix Review To Mark off The Best Free Website Development Software For Beginners

Website development is no longer a challenging task with the presence of detailed tutorials and guides on the web. But, beginners still encounter unusual issues while trying to create websites for ‘FREE’.

In today’s post, we will learn to differentiate among various popular online building platforms with the ultimate objective of guiding interested folks in the right direction. At a glance, we are about to figure out an easy, inexpensive, and less-time taking method of creating eye-appealing websites.

In case you are willing to create a website for yourself or your business, then take time to read out this competitive guidebook, particularly the Wix Review.

Before initiating, there are few questions that everyone should ask themselves in the context of owning a website. Let’s take a peek, first:-

1. Weebly

Weebly is a drag-and-drop website builder, suitable for everyone, whether it’s for business purposes or individual use. While doing our research, we found Weebly extremely useful in helping people collect quality leads and then convert leads into genuine customers.

The website development spot offers alluring templates. Thus, users must be a little creative while using them. For variation, you can also use customized images instead of site-owned templates.

Cons

The drag-drop feature might turn annoying at some point when some blocks don’t get located in the proper positions.

2. Wix

It won’t be much if said that Wix is a one-stop solution to all kinds of web development needs. From having a website for personal use to selling out your stuff, Wix plays a crucial role at all stages.

A bit more about ‘ Wix Review’:

Wix is suitable for whom?

The platform has several striking layouts and designs that align perfectly with the needs of small businesses, artists, social media marketers, and other similar folks. Aside from this, Wix’s mobile responsive apps fetch exceptional fame from users worldwide.

One can always recreate the available layouts in order to create a unique design for standing out from the competitors. Wix review also offers advanced filters for easy optimization of images. This makes the platform a bit more useful than WordPress and Weebly (including other free tools).

Pricing plans: (charges in rupees)

Free plan

It provides access to a maximum of 100 pages in addition to free hosting. Now, let’s move to the premium plans.

VIP - Choice of most of the businesses and individuals both.

Charges: 325 per month.

Unlimited - Suitable for bloggers, seasonal entrepreneurs, and professional freelancers

Charges: 185 per month.

Combo - Convenient for personal usage

Charges: 125 per month.

Connect Domain - Basic plan, supported by Wix ads

Charges: 80 per month.

Cons

No doubt a free plan is accessible, but the cheaper paid plan begins at $8 for one month, which is not indeed affordable. Furthermore, users often experience slow page load speed. Rest is all fine.

3. Wordpress

WordPress doesn’t require any introduction. A fresh study reveals that the platform grabs over 64 million posts and a total of 43 million comments from genuine users. It might sound usual, but such data is quite an overwhelming fact to come through.

In the connection of free service, WordPress rules the roost. It provides fully customizable sites without charges even a penny. But, if someone wants to do further modifications in CSS, then paid plans to become mandatory.

WordPress is fantastic for blogging. Even blogs over free sites can get high engagement through posting interesting, relevant, and informative content, keeping in mind the interest of the audience.

You will be amazed to know that WordPress comes with complete 3GB storage in a free plan. Plus, great assistants such as live chat support, rigid domain hosting, and email facilities merely at $2.99 a month.

Cons:

Website development in WordPress feels complicated for beginners. Well, that can’t be a big drawback since people are there to help, especially mentors on social media.

Conclusion

Hopefully, you guys have got a precise answer to 'which is the best free website builder'. These three suggestions in our post about the Wix review will surely help people in kickstarting the site creation process by eliminating entire confusion and providing clearer insights. We will soon release another post covering the rest of the leading website builders.

Also, Watch The Video On How Wix Is The Excellent Choice For Creating Websites In 2021?

youtube

#wixreview #freewebsitebuilder #Wixreview2021 #Websitebuilder #wix #Youtube

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jungblue · 7 years

Text

→ wips tag

So while I’m still on hiatus for personal reasons, I am also still writing. It’s all coming along slowly, but even though I’m taking this small break from tumblr I would still like to share some of the things I’ve been working on, so thank you to @xtaexhyungx for tagging me, and I hope you guys enjoy! ♡

title: Splinter

pairing: jungkook | reader

genre: smut, angst, college au

preview: —

Perhaps buried deep within the thumping bass, spilled liquor, and dimmed lights of every college party, you might just be able to find yourself a love story… Of course, it might not be perfect, far from perfect actually. However, at that age, or more specifically at that time in someone’s life, mistakes seem to be abundant. The factors are endless, so plentiful in fact that they pile on top of one another until this supposed love story — splinters.

The fragments lay in a million pieces, each one telling their own little story of how it all ended.

Laid strewn at the forefront of that pile of broken pieces was the shard branded hormones. Those vibrant sensations that make your vision go blurry and judgment turn haywire. Those pesky little things that when mixed with alcohol make you forget all about that guy or girl you’re really into… That guy or girl that you’ve been dating for three months — that guy or girl that deserved way better than a fresh out of high school kid that didn’t know how to handle their fireball mixed with an empty bedroom upstairs at a party.

Next is that gleaming shard of freedom. It burns bright. The second you step foot onto that college campus miles upon miles away from people telling you what to do, how to act, or where to stay, your tolerance for limitations shifts. Being held down to any given place, any given idea, or any given person, it causes a flight response. The body wanting to maintain its newfound freedom, relieving itself of the hindrance to their fresh independence... Plus, having the ability to run from your problems without a choir to comment isn’t exactly helpful either. So combine all of that, and maybe it results in some runaway act of studying abroad for a semester to dampen the feelings of guilt and love with culture shock and ample amounts of bodies… Yeah, that definitely puts a pause on things.

Another piece laying sound in the graveyard is that dingy, jagged shard reflecting the uncertainty of the future. It’s that constant pressure that bombards you saying if you haven’t made a dent in the path towards your goal by the time you’re twenty-five, then you’re falling behind. This reality (even if it is false) sets in maybe three years down the line. Tailgating loses its taste, the library becomes your home even more so than it had been before, and your time for connections and relationships downsizes to the point of not even trying… Not even trying when that guy or girl is really making an attempt to reconcile with you, and even though your heart wants it, your mind says there’s no time for that now, at least nothing serious — maybe after medical school, because somewhere along the line our lives turned into planning how much fun our lives will be once X, Y, and Z happens some odd years down the road.

It’s these, along with many other fragments, that lay in a messy array around the relationship. Some are tiny and seemingly insignificant pieces, however once the micro aggressions start to build, they inevitably become one larger section of the puzzle. Some of the remains are large and shiny, others dirty and defiled. It’s all a shattered mess of emotions and incidents, but if you can somehow manage to pick up the pieces and realign the edges, then just maybe you can still see the beauty in what it all once was.

more wips below the cut~

title: Delivery 52

pairing: jin | reader

genre: fluff, smut, pizza boy au

preview: —

When you ordered those two pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and a nicely carbonated soda on the side, it was not your expectation that a delivery boy such as the one standing before you would arrive with it in tow. He had chocolate hair and eyes that peeked from beneath his work hat, pouty lips that dripped enticement — but most importantly he was holding your order that was going to soothe the aching pang that tonight would surely bring.

“Hello,” He said in a sing-song manner that brought a slight smile to your lips.

“Uhm hi,” You replied, quickly reaching for the boxes of pizza that he was offering to you. You turned around to set it on a piece of furniture that would normally be there, but you hadn’t exactly gotten around to organizing yet, so you had to settle for placing it on the floor. When you returned for the soda he was grinning fondly at you.

“New to the neighborhood?” He asked, motioning inside to the messy arrangement of move-in boxes.

“Yeah, I just finished moving in today. It’s a mess,” You said with a bit of nervous laughter. “Just needed a bit of food before I start unpacking all this stuff.”

“Yeah, I get it. I had to move a few months back, too. I was using my discount at my job a lot when I was trying to stock up on groceries. Way too much pizza,” He laughed.

“Well, you’ll probably be seeing me a lot. I order pizza like once a week even when I’m not moving. It’s a problem.” You weren’t just making small-talk either, it was the truth. Every week like clockwork you ordered your greasy guilty pleasure… Yeah, you were totally trying to get on fixing that… Totally.

“Once a week?” He said, surprised but with an amused expression. “You ever get tired of it?”

“Nah, pizza’s the only thing that never seems to let me down,” You shrugged, because again, it wasn’t really a lie.

He chuckled, “Ah, well I look forward to delivering your weekly pizza fix.”

“I look forward to that too… Uhm,” You paused, your eyes glancing at the nametag attached to his shirt. “Seokjin.”

He waved his hand in response, “Just Jin is fine.”

“Jin, okay then. I’m Y/N by the way.”

He smiled, “Well, Miss Y/N, hopefully I’m lucky enough to get your delivery next week. I’ll try to snatch it if not,” He winked, making a weird sensation flash inside of your chest.

“Yeah, I think… I think I’d like that,” You nodded, biting at the inside of your cheek to try and stifle the wide grin that wanted to fight its way to your lips. “Oh, and don’t I need to sign that.” You pointed towards the slip of paper sitting in his hand that he seemed to have forgotten about.

“Oh yeah, sorry I almost forgot,” Jin laughed as he handed you the receipt and pen, and you quickly scribbled away at the paper before giving it back to him. “So, see you next week?” He asked, motioning at the boxes of pizza on the floor.

You paused, smiling before answering. “Yup, see you then.”

title: Waves

pairing: hoseok | reader

genre: angst, smut, soulmate au

preview: —

present day.

It was a mistake. Getting involved this deeply with each other was a complete mistake.

But simply saying that, well, that really wasn't going to change anything, now would it? Because the fact of the matter was that you did this to yourselves. You knew that a future together was impossible, that your marks didn’t match, yet for some reason you and him decided to unknowingly test something. Something that you so desperately wished you didn't now know the answer to.

What's the human limit for how much two people can possibly care for one another? Again, you honestly wished that you didn't know the answer to that question, but you did.

The answer was, more than you should be able to. You shouldn’t be able to love someone this much. You just shouldn’t. You shouldn't be able to give so much of yourself over to someone that it feels like your chest is caving in anytime you think about the possibility of not being with them. In theory you really shouldn’t be able to do that — but unfortunately that was exactly where the two of you were.

Palm pressed to the center of his bare chest, your nails digging lightly into his skin, as if to keep him anchored in some way. His coffee colored eyes wandered across the planes of your face, an unspoken, but most certainly felt, sorrow settling between your bodies. You had been laying here for a while, the silence eerie to the point that it was almost unbearable. Unbearable silence wasn’t something that the two of you were used to. You had always been perfectly comfortable with each other, but lately anytime the two of you talked in this intimate context, emotions got too high, tears spilled, and it honestly just became too much for either of you to handle — so instead you decided to do the thing that would hurt even more than talking.

You reached for his forearm resting on your side, turning it so that you could see the date etched along his skin. Once again reminding yourself that he wasn’t yours, he never was, and he never would be.

02:14 2013 10 21

It was a date nowhere even close to yours, a five year and two month difference if you wanted to be exact. You still had five more goddamn years. Five more incredibly long years of waiting for this person that fate had apparently deemed perfect for you. But the thing was… You didn’t want them, not in the slightest, whoever they were — you only wanted him.

You wanted Hoseok.

You just wanted him, forever, but he wasn’t yours to have, and you were going to be painfully reminded of that for the rest of your life once the next seven days passed.

title: Seven Minutes (in vanilla paradise)

pairing: jungkook | taehyung

genre: smut, angst, college au

preview: —

It was only supposed to be seven minutes.

Seven minutes in that cramped closet that barely left a foot of room between two sweating bodies. The muddled beat of music finding its way beneath the door as the scent of splashed liquor and wandering cannabis etched itself inside the stiches of everyone’s clothes. The sound of young kids in their twenty somethings or almost twenty somethings echoing down the hall, reminding the people inside the closet that maybe they’re a bit old for this game that they’ve only ever seen portrayed in high school movies. But in the end, they come to the conclusion to just say fuck it. They’re already in the damn closet, so why not figure out what that means. Maybe things get handsy, or maybe things don’t anywhere at all. Both are completely fine.

But again, it was only supposed to be seven minutes.

However, when it’s Kim Taehyung wrapping you in his being. Masking you in that vanilla cologne, that vanilla shampoo, that vanilla aftershave that has you disassociating from the fact that you’re in some rundown apartment that smells like the literal definition of ass. Well, then you might just pray that seven minutes is just the minimum, and that he’ll have mercy on your soul and drown you in his everything until it’s this blinding vanilla afterglow.

— Unfortunately it takes Jungkook a while to understand what being shrouded in that scent by that type of person does to a guy.

“Jeon Jungkook.”

But in the end, all he can really comprehend in that moment is the fact that his name just got pulled for seven minutes in heaven by the hottest guy at this party and his dick is already kicking.

I’ll be tagging: @baeseoul / @jungkxook / @wonhopes / @jiminniemouse !!!

#bts #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts angst #bts fluff #jeon jungkook #kim seokjin #jung hoseok #kim taehyung

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shawnjacksonsbs · 5 years

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The "not-so" secret formula to my contentment. 9-8-19

"Nobody else can live the life you live. And even though no human being is perfect, we always have the chance to bring what's unique about us to live in a redeeming way." - Mr. Fred Rogers And that's all I am trying to do with my writings, my shares, my whole life really. My story may not be some great made for t.v. triumph, but in its uniqueness, it's important (and not just to me) that I share it, as I live it and grow in it. I look at as much of the negatives as I can, like more of an opportunity. Not always in the immediate heat of the moment sometimes, but I try. That's one of my life lessons I imagine will stay current with me each day as we move into our respective futures. Living resentlessly is pretty big. They say that resentments are the number one cause of relapse for people like me, as in, those recovered from or recovering from some type of addiction. I'm pretty sure I've dealt with most of all those toxicities that kept me so sick, albeit some not the way I wanted (whole other story lol). I try to live in such a way these days that I don't harbor any new resentments. Should something arise I can usually handle it pretty quickly. Because. . .as it. . . "TURNS OUT, RESENTMENT IS CORROSIVE AND I HATE IT." - Tony Stark Living in gratitude, being loving and as kind as humanly possible are pretty far up there in that formula as well. I'm secure in the fact that living with as much gratitude as I can works hand in hand with not keeping with the resentments on that end too. Trying to make good, right, and sound decisions doesn't hurt either. Nor does the whole truth-telling bit I have added to my life. Having to remember stupid ass lies all the time used to be exhausting, to say the least. Lol I sleep well every night knowing I am living the best way I know how, for me, and for those in my life, here, or at a distance. I ask myself "Did you do the best you could today?" If I answer yes, then I sleep good, and tomorrow is a new day. If I answer no, then I tell myself that I'll do better tomorrow. Apologize where I need to, then sleep good and tomorrow is a new day. Love me or hate me, that's on you. At least I know I keep it real and I'm sincere. We may not see eye to eye, but I always tell the truth as I see it, how it comes at me, and how it feels to my heart. A lot of people relate to me and plenty of them support me and my life decisions. My life is just that, my life. Your options are either take it or leave it. I'm not above reproach or even above criticism, but that's mainly for differences of opinions. Feel free to speak your mind at me and change my heart if you can. Moral issues and matters of the heart, I'm probably less likely to swerve on those, because they are personal to who I am, and who I've become. A very long hard road has brought me here and your approval, on those things are not needed. I no longer need acceptance from others to dictate who I am, at all, ever. I've never felt so sure about who I am, where I'm going or why, in all my life. A good, just, and positive life is for me. I can't imagine ever going back, or living as less, or even changing my perspectives, on much really, but I will always try to listen, or try if I can, to hear someone out, albeit it may be hard as I try to live as right as I can most of the time. Love and kindness always being on the forefront doesn't leave much room for anything you might say that might take away from that love and kindness, at least in that regard. The only other thing might be how I call people out on what I feel isn't right. If that's the case, you may be right, but I'm probably never not going to stand up to people who treat others in a bad way, and I will never stop standing up for what I believe is right, especially when it involves others being mistreated, whether grouped or individual. Granted I'm working on me, and better, more delicate ways to try and approach some of those issues because I am far, far from perfect. But I also feel a moral imperative responsibility to try something, because of how far I've come. Look it's real easy, if you want to be a part of my life then be prepared to be called out on shit like that. If you care about me we can talk about it. If there is no love from your side or mine, then the door swings out too. Peace out. The things in my heart, are much more important to me, and for the little people in my life to see from me, than what you may or may not not be agreeing with. I'm not saying that your way or ways are necessarily wrong, but if they aren't what I'm trying to live by and be an example of, then I'm probably not having it in my life. Especially if I deem them to be negative, in any way. You can do what you want, as can I and I will continue to live the absolute best way I know how. I finally got my moral compass to point true north. You may feel yours does too, but if I see yours slightly askew then all that means is, you and me, we ain't the same. That doesn't mean we can't have love for one another unless you see it differently. To me, it just means maybe we have some talks in our future and that sometimes it takes more than just blood to relate to someone. I'm super blessed to have so many who do see and feel things like I do, both blood relation and those who are not. I suppose most of this would be nil, if not so many people did relate and support me. If it was just love and/or respect, but it's not. I know in my heart where I stand. I mean keeping my moral compass pointing in this direction has served me pretty well the last several years. It attracts the right people into my life as I slowly eliminate any toxic people not ok with how I live my life, or how I see life. I'm pretty sure, people who know me, know I that don't want bad shit for anyone, but if negative people fall off my ship instead of learning the life lessons that exhume gratitude for everything, even the most difficult, then that not my fault. Finding the silver in everything now is never ever going to be something I feel shame over. I'm sorry if you feel attacked. I assure you that's not my intent. Sharing my story, which constantly is changing, isn't meant to be preachy or soap boxy. It's meant to be relatable or at least understandable. 'Nough said I think. I didn't mean to hijack the entry in this direction, but it is a blog about how I feel about things so. . .lol . . . So there's that. Saw this post the other day; ~{I was asked, "You're willing to lose friends over politics?!!" I said, "No. I'm willing to lose friends over morals. HUGE difference."}~ I felt that in my heart. Even though I didn't share that post, it is important to my internal peace so I thought I'd write about it because I assure you that its only a coincidence, the fact that sometimes its related to politics. The banter, debates, and popular post discussions are a huge fuel source for my writing. I keep them close. Those talks are part of what frame us. What frames my perspectives anyways. Like it makes the edges more defined. I do share in some talks outside of social media that do the same thing, but either way, it's what is needed to help keep my mind fresh, my writings intact, plus my emotional and mental health stable as well. "Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity.", although John Bender said that under a slightly different context, I think its fits for me here. I use what you guys fuel to give back to you as I see it and repeat the cycle, as it were. Thank you for that. Now to shuffle and deal myself a fair, and sane hand I'm going to have to plan a vacation to see my Washington people, hopefully, sooner rather than later. I miss them fools more than anyone knows. They hold a huge piece of my heart in theirs, from my Fence Specialists family to my extended "other" family, (my everything else out there family.) The ones I spent holidays with and shared in joys and some sorrows with. The universe alone knows how much I love and miss the lot of them. I think quite a bit about being back there with them, although I could never, ever give up what I have here, back home with my family. In a perfect world we could all live somewhere close to one another, those from Washington and my family here, but . . .What I've gained by being back, along with finally holding a place in my family is pretty close to untoppable. Therefore, because I will never not be able to have them in my life a visit is the balance I'm going to need, as I did in reverse for the last several years. Anyways, with a tear in my eye and the small pain tearing at my heart, I will move from this topic, for now. Visit soon, seriously, period, exclamation point, stop. Period. End of discussion. I imagine a big part of why I'm missing them harder recently is probably because of the holidays, birthdays, my 6-year dope free anniversary are all coming up quick, and for the first several years they were the ones celebrating them with me. Don't get me wrong, making these new memories is worth more than its weight in gold, but a lot of silvers were shared with them. Remember to share the love and the laughter with the world around you. And please, please always be kind where you can, to who you can, especially if you know they're struggling with anything. Our world could be so much more than it gets credit for, as too the people living on it. Compassion doesn't make you weak, it makes you brave as it takes courage to stand up to those who don't agree with it. Until next week; "There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind." - Mr. Fred Rogers

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maggot-monger · 7 years

Text

it’s been a while but i’ve got some new introspections to pick at.

some time around november 2014 i lost control of the identity train. i was anticipating my college graduation (may 2015) and i didn’t know what i was going to do after that happened. my social environment was changing, with certain problems reaching their breaking points, priorities shifting, and finding myself uncertain of my place in people’s lives. i started experimenting with who i was more than i ever really had. by the time a year had passed, i had left school for the first time in my life, learned to drink (and sometimes how to drink too much), backpacked europe for four months with my former roommate, experimented with a few drugs, kissed a number of people of various genders in a variety of contexts, gained my first sexual experiences, shared philosophies with strangers, and encountered many emotions and situations i never really expected to do more than imagine.

2015 was a big year for me.

2016 was big too, in a very different way. at the end of 2015 i returned from europe and within a week i met the boy with whom i have since been romantically involved. i lived with my parents, and i spent a lot of time doing nothing. doing nothing is harder than i expected. my identity disintegrated; it was no longer undergoing renovations, it was sort of on pause. i wouldn’t commit to anything and i wouldn’t be a person in my relationship because i didn’t know who i was or what i wanted. it caused a problem, which fortunately was resolved.

i started applying to jobs. i didn’t get any. labs already know who they’re going to hire before they advertise an open position. i learned that, and i started going for informational interviews. eventually i landed an unpaid position that would give me experience and a foot in the door.

by the end of 2016, i was just starting a paid part time job in my field. i still lived with my parents, but i didn’t spend so much time worrying about it or doing nothing. i was in a year-long romantic relationship, and now i was in love. i didn’t have any friends where i lived other than my parents and boy, but the friend i travelled with was starting to talk about moving to live in my city.

now, mid-way through 2017, much of that is the same. my job is going well; i’m learning a lot and expect to have developed skills, interests, and professional relationships that will serve me well when i apply to graduate school to hopefully start in the fall of 2019. i still live with my parents but it doesn’t weigh on me now that i’m out of the house so much of the time and i have come to appreciate how much they help me. i’m planning to move in with boy when i am financially able to. my friend moved here. it’s all really great, honestly. i sometimes look at it all and get uncharacteristically emotional about how stupidly nice this all is.

i have been having continuing identity crises despite all the good here, and for quite a while i was confused about why. i thought maybe it was just habit; i’d been having serious crises since 2014, so i was just used to having them every so often. as a student of psychology and neuroscience, i could easily imagine how that would happen.

i don’t think that was wrong, per se, but i also have determined in the last couple of months that there is something else that has been going on here. i think the way my life is headed right now is very different from how i have been expecting it to go since i was a teenager. i prepared myself for poverty, for too many roommates, for overworked academic life, for a tumultuous romantic and sexual life, for being a punk rock nerd who didn’t have much but knew what they were about. that has failed to happen; for at least right now, i have a much more traditionally appealing life than i expected to have. the thing is, if you spend 10 years expecting to turn out one way and you’re an optimist, you end up thinking your anticipated future sounds more fun and glamorous than the more traditional path. i think i have been mourning the reality i expected, and that i am losing because of the reality i have. i’m in my mid twenties now, and culture likes to put an expiration date on things like self-destructive partying and identity experimentation, and even though i know there is realistically no time that i have to stop doing those things i have been scared that i’m setting myself up for too stable a life without having experienced enough of the disarray i was expecting. i think i have also been scared that when i reach grad school everyone else will be the punk kid i thought i’d be, and so i won’t be able to connect and bond with them the way i want. i am so scared of isolation that i worry i would be willing to throw away good things just to avoid not being able to be in a network i want to belong to.

identifying this anxiety of fear of missing out and fear of isolation caused by unexpected life trajectory has been massively helpful because i have been able to work on realigning my expectations and talking myself out of some of my specific fears. grad school will be full of people at various points in their lives; some will be changing careers, some will be fresh out of college, some will drop out, some will be smarter than me, some will be married already, some will be rich, etc etc. they will all have in common the courses and the requirements, and at least some of the same interest. i will make friends if i try, because i have always managed to make friends when i tried. i can still drink myself to oblivion sometimes if i want to, but realistically i’ve done that a couple of times before, and when i have it has been because i was heartbroken one way or another, and do i really want to keep having to do that? i feel like i don’t; part of me has enjoyed heartbreak but on the whole it’s a feeling i could relive through memory and it would be adequate. i might not get to be poor but i might; you never know what’s going to happen with that, and having lived more of what it’s actually like to be poor i know it’s really more of a bummer than a glamorous experience (plus i can still sit on sidewalks and wear ripped jeans and whatever else regardless of my financial situation). i don’t get to sleep around and have flings as i am in a monoamorous relationship, but honestly...i don’t really feel compelled to. i’ve done a bit of that, and it was fun but it required a lot of my attention and/or emotional involvement and it’s a lot of work for really inconsistent payoff. i can’t experiment with my sexual/romantic orientations either, but similarly i don’t really mind...i have pretty squarely settled myself a little outside of the straight label stirring around in bi territory somewhere, and while i have little experience courting women i don’t really feel like i need to pursue more with things as they are. basically, all the fears that i have about not being who i expected to be are things that i can still do, or that don’t really matter to me given what i have ended up with anyway.

people never really settle on identities so i expect i’ll still have identity crises for the rest of my life, but i think they might be moving toward happening less frequently and less severely, at least for a while. i’m working on adapting the life i expected, and i’m settling into the life i have. i am committing more to my job and really figuring out what i care about academically and professionally; i am cultivating my existing friendships in ways that work for how my friends and i are now rather than how they were at some remembered past moment; i am giving myself permission to love my boyfriend indefinitely without necessarily anticipating a break up. maybe it’ll all go really smoothly forever, and i’ll get a phd in a satisfying and promising subject, develop a range of healthy and diverse friendships, get married or some equivalent. maybe it won’t and some or all of those things (or other things!) will get fucked up. but i think it’s ok if everything does go smoothly. i don’t think i have to be disappointed if my period of being really upset and confused all the time is wrapping up. there are some things that still definitely need work in my life, but i think for the most part i’m really happy, and i don’t have to feel like a sell out because i’m differently happy than i expected.

#personal #this is really long and kind of corny sorry

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teramelos1 · 7 years

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Nick Reinhart Interview // Marcel’s Music Journal

Big Walnuts Yonder–an incredible supergroup featuring Minutemen’s Mike Watt, Wilco’s Nels Cline, Deerhoof’s Greg Saunier, and Tera Melos’ Nick Reinhart–just put out one of the most powerful and marvelously eclectic rock records of the year. Even though the band formed way back in 2008 and didn’t record the album until 2014, it still sounds raw and fresh as hell. The dirty funk of opener “All Against All” accurately portrays the LP’s unique blend of lo-fi math rock and noisy, throwback ‘90s skate punk, while the energetic “Raise the Drawbridges?” gloriously flaunts ear-piercing guitar licks and groove-heavy percussion.

Aside from recording seriously great music with Watt, Cline, and Saunier, Nick Reinhart has proved himself to be one of the most strikingly innovative guitarists in recent memory with his countless other bands and side projects. He is best known as the frontman of Sacramento-based experimental rock trio Tera Melos, who explored complex, mind-bending indie-math zones on their most recent release, 2013′s X’ed Out.

Reinhart has also worked with drummer Zach Hill in Bygones and Death Grips; played live in Rob Crow’s band Goblin Cock; and performed a series of engrossing, entirely improvised live sets with Dot Hacker’s Eric Gardner as Swollen Brain, all of which are discussed in our interview below (the power of collaboration is definitely key here).

You and Eric Gardner from Dot Hacker just played some shows as Swollen Brain. How did this whole project come about?

I met Eric through my friend Jonathan Hischke, who plays bass in Dot Hacker. When I originally moved down to Los Angeles I lived in a duplex next door to Eric. I would house sit his Vietnamese pot bellied pig, Francis, a lot. I was a big fan of his drumming in Dot Hacker and at some point it came up that we should play music together for fun. We had a pretty immediate chemistry in playing free, improvised stuff. We played our first show in September 2015 and we had a nice response, so we figured make it a regular thing. No intense band practices, no songs, no rules. It’s a really fun musical project to be a part of.

How do you feel playing improvised sets?

I really enjoy improvising. While I’ve done solo improvised sets, it’s a lot more fun having someone else to connect with on previously unpaved musical roads. With my band Tera Melos we take practice and preparing for a set/tour pretty seriously. We usually need around 12 full days, give or take, of long band rehearsals before we’re comfortable enough to play a show. We even dump lots of brain power into designing the set and which songs or transitions go where. For me practice is usually fairly stressful, as I wear a few different hats- playing guitar, singing and running some sort of sampler/keyboard rig all while doing the pedal tap dancing thing, and I want it all to sound cohesive and thoughtful. there’s a lot of work that goes into that. So as far as improvising goes- it’s amazing to ditch all the preparation and just play music without preconception. It’s very liberating. With Swollen Brain we do play together in our rehearsal studio, but it’s less “practice” and more just playing little sets. We’ll generally do 20 minute bursts of sound just to keep our improv brains fresh, which after 2 rounds of bursts our brains are actually very not-fresh haha. To get better at improvising it seems you just need to do it often. So in a way it’s sort of practicing, but not really… “Practicing” is also a way of familiarizing ourselves with whatever gear we happen to be using at the time. In my case it’s usually a freshly constructed pedal board. I like to have time to see what works sonically and what doesn’t before we play a show. The other thing I like to consider when playing a free-form set is how to keep things flowing and interesting- for me and the audience. Obviously you can’t force magical moments to appear in that context, but I want to set myself up for those moments to occur. Generally that means having the tools that will allow me to make little musical stories with dynamics and tension. One of my favorite parts of an improvised performance is when someone walks up to you afterwards and asks, “so how much of that was improvised?” and the answer is, “well, all of it.” I’ve been the person asking that question and when you get that answer it’s a magical moment in and of itself.

Do you think Swollen Brain will remain solely a live band? Would you ever be interested in recording studio material?

We actually just started making a record. The process of how to go about capturing our vibe was hard for me to envision. It took me a second to wrap my mind around how we could best accomplish a recording. Because it’s very much a live, organic process of improvising it would make sense to just set up some mics and hit record on a bunch of sound bursts, but we felt that it should be sonically more interesting than just drums and a single guitar track. When we play live I end up looping layers of sounds and then repurposing the loops to relate to what I’m doing with the live guitar sounds. Then once we land on something that works we turn that into a little mini song. So one of the recording methods was playing until we landed on some interesting loops, then capturing the performance of drums + loop action, and then overdub myself improvising over that. We did variations of that method for a couple of days. The next step is sifting through all of that and making sense of it.

You also played in Rob Crow’s band Goblin Cock on a tour of theirs late last year. What was that like?

It was great. I love Rob Crow. He’s one of my favorite musicians. Tera Melos toured with Pinback a couple years ago and it was one the my favorite tours we’ve ever done. He’s super thoughtful and just a really great person all around. I was stoked when he asked if I wanted to do the Goblin Cock tour. It was challenging because i had to learn a style of music that I wasn’t really familiar with- whatever brand of metal Goblin Cock is I guess. He uses alternate tunings and B.C. Rich Warlock guitars exclusively. So I had to relearn chord shapes and which notes went where on a really weird guitar, then apply all that to a kind of music I’d never played. Oh and we wore cloaks and face masks that were very hard to see out of, plus all fog machines and strobe lights raging. So there’s actually just about zero visibility on stage. But yea, it was strange and really fun.

You’ve mentioned before that Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, and Underworld rank among your top influences when it comes to electronic music. What drew you to the sound of those artists and what impact did it ultimately have on your own playing style?

When I was 16 a friend showed me those artists. At that point I was really into punk rock. The electronic music that I was hearing had this relentless energy and all these really melodic sounds mixed with abrasive sound effects. That was really new and exciting to me. I had a super natural, positive reaction to it. The same friend had a Playstation and a game called MTV Music Generator. You could make your own songs by placing pre-recorded samples onto a timeline. It was a very dumbed down way to make something resembling the electronic music that we were listening to. So I’d mess around with that at his house after school. A couple years later I got a desktop computer and found the program Fruity Loops, which was the next step up in music programming from the video game. A couple years after that I got a program called Reason, which I have worked out of ever since. At that point I hadn’t really gotten into guitar pedals and sonic exploration. I mean, I had some pedals, but I was still playing in a punk-ish band and bedroom moonlighting as some electronic music poser. Eventually Tera Melos was created and the guitar pedals section of my brain expanded. I started to recognize the ability to recreate some of the sounds I had learned to make on the computer. Incorporating that sort of stuff into an outside-the-box rock band became really exciting, and still is for me. I should also mention that my knowledge of electronic music in general never really reached beyond those three artists. I think there was just something really special about them that opened my mind at the right time.

Do you think collaborating with other people allows you to think outside the box and push the limits of your own sound? I can sense an almost cosmic force from these Big Walnuts Yonder recordings.

Yes, 100%. Musical collaborations that take you outside your comfort zone are crucial for growth and creativity. When I began playing music with Zach Hill it was like my musical brain got super charged and started wandering in different directions that I previously hadn’t really explored. Rob Crow and I have been batting ideas back and forth for awhile now as well that will hopefully take shape soon. I’m excited to see where that collaboration will take me in terms of new musical territory. And yes, of course the Big Walnuts Yonder thing had a lot of cosmic force going for it. Those guys are all very big inspirations for me, so making that record was a big part of my creative timeline. I think it’s too soon and close to the album release to be able to recognize the greater impact it had on me, but what comes to mind immediately is exercising the ability to to maintain creativity and keep up with these musical giants, and for them to be stoked on what I was bringing to the table. It would be like an indie game dev that grew up playing Nintendo all of the sudden getting to work on a new game with Shigeru Miyamoto. And not only that, but Miyamoto is excited about your ideas and he’s reacting to them with new ideas. It’s sort of like that. Pretty crazy. The other thing that comes to mind is that I had never written guitar parts to pre-existing bass parts in this capacity. 8 of the 10 Big Walnuts Yonder songs were born in Mike Watt’s brain and started with his bass as “song forms,” as he calls them. In other words, I was having to figure out how to write interesting guitar parts to songs that consisted of only bass. In Tera Melos I can probably count on one hand the amount of times where even just a small portion of a song’s construction started with bass. I can recall being very frustrated trying to come up with guitar parts that way because it’s so foreign to me. Of course out of that frustration comes great things. I was well prepared for this challenge though. It took me a while to understand Watt’s compositions (they’re pretty wild) but once I was comfortable with his approach to song writing I think some really cool, unique stuff came out of it.

What was it like recording the album in just three days?

When we started the process of creating Big Walnuts Yonder Mike had been sending me songs that were just bass compositions. So I would sit with them and contemplate different ways to compliment what Mike had written. Now Nels and Greg on the other hand- they had heard what Mike and I had worked on, but I don’t believe they had fully composed “parts” like me and Mike, that is to say I think they had “ideas” and then brought them to life in the studio. It was so crazy and inspiring to see it happen like that. So when we were all set up and ready to play we would jam a song through a few times, talk about the sections, iron out a thing or two and then hit record. It was 99% live. I was actually a little nervous because I hadn’t recorded live like that for many many years, since being in a crappy sounding punk band as a teenager. I mean, my bands usually record live, but then guitars are scratched and then redone. So this is truly a live record with all of us in the same room reacting to each other. I think that nervous energy really helped me pull it together personally.

I think Zach Hill is an artist who compliments your musical style and approach really well. You played on the last two Death Grips albums, Jenny Death and Bottomless Pit. Was that a particular collaboration that gave you the chance to explore new themes and ideas? What were the recording sessions for those records like?

Zach Hill is a very big inspiration for me. He’s one of my favorite musicians of all time and I think he’s contributed some really important things to music. The way I play and perceive music is directly related to him, so it makes sense that what we compliment each other. Contributing to Death Grips’ body of work was really special for me. I respect that band so much and to be able to help them shape their vision is a really cool thing. I think the reason it works well is because I understand where they’re coming from and where they want to go. I haven’t worked with anyone else in that context, so in that sense there are new ideas that appear that otherwise wouldn’t. A lot of the time our creative ideas are simpatico and feel really natural. It’s like as soon as I’m around those guys my brain’s bluetooth automatically connects to their system.

Aside from the recently announced tour with CHON, Covet and Little Tybee, does Tera Melos have any special plans for this year?

I think Tera Melos will probably start doing fun stuff pretty soon here.

Reinhart has a new band with Mike Watt (Minutemen), Nels Cline (Wilco), and Greg Saunier (Deerhoof) called Big Walnuts Yonder. Their self-titled debut is out now on Sargent House.

Via Marcel’s Music Journal

#Tera Melos #Sargent House #Big Walnuts Yonder

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love-stone · 7 years

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Sooo, I may or may not write fanfic sometimes, and figured I’d post a thing I’d been working on for a while to see if it’s worth continuing/if others like it and want more? The fandom is Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword, and the fic itself is a novelization of Chapter 4 “In Occupation’s Shadow”.

I think the chapter can stand on its own without too much context if you’re not familiar...regardless, feedback is very much appreciated!!

With Migal’s threatening words still fresh in their minds, the group continues their trek in earnest towards the Sacaean/Bern border. The group rides on together, with Ivy and Wil seated behind Kent and Sain respectively (Sain cannot be trusted to ride with any of the women), while Lyn rides with Florina in the sky, scouting out the road ahead.

Florina eventually turns towards her companion. “Lyn, can we stop soon? Huey’s wings are getting tired, and she’s really stressed out after what happened today!” As she addresses Lyn, she has slowly begun to descend from the air until the mare’s feet are planted safely on the ground and begins to trot alongside the two cavaliers.

“Ah, but of course!” Sain chimes in, turning towards Florina and her mount, “we must find a village and let these lovely ladies rest Kent! Roland knows such delicate flowers need proper care in order to bloom!”

Kent rolls his eyes, then turns towards Lyn. “While it pains me to say it, I must agree with my companion. Night is coming fast, and we’d best find somewhere to rest before long.”

“Agreed,” Lyn replies from behind Florina with a nod. “But we won’t be staying at any of the villages” she adds, eliciting a groan of protest from Sain. “You heard what Migal said; him and his followers will be after us before long, and we don’t want any innocent villages to be threatened because of us, or worse...” she adds the last thought with a pained sigh, and everyone can tell that her late family is on her mind.

“Instead,” she adds, returning to her confident self, “we should search the hills for forts and hideouts. Most of the man-made structures around here ought to be in ruins from the bandits, but that means they’re likely abandoned and farther from the villages.”

“Ah, such a thoughtful and resourceful woman,” Sain sighs earning himself a glare from both Kent and Ivy. He stammers on, “…eh, but still, shouldn’t we really find somewhere more luxurious for you ladies to stay at?” he says as his gaze turns towards Lyn and Florina.

“As long as I’m with Lyn, I’m fine!” Florina announces meekly, and then quickly hides in embarrassment.

Ivy speaks up as well. “I think Lyn’s right, we shouldn’t put any villages in unnecessary danger. Besides, if we do get attacked, staging a defense will be a lot harder in an open village full of civilians. Having a tighter area of defense, especially with the high ground of the hills, will be much safer for us all.

Lyn nods towards both women in agreement, then addresses Sain curtly in return. “There you have it; us ‘delicate ladies’ are fine with these accommodations. Besides, I’d have thought you ‘rugged’ knights were used to such harsh conditions as this?” Sain puts his head down meekly in defeat, and so Lyn addresses the others, “You have no qualms with staying somewhere a little less luxurious?”

“No ma’am!” Wil replies cheerily, and Kent nods in agreement.

“Then it’s settled,” Lyn states. “Let’s look for somewhere off the beaten path to spend the night.”

***

Shortly after, as dusk begins to creep over the horizon, the six travelers stumble upon an abandoned fort in relatively good condition, and agree to set up camp there. Wil slides off of Sain’s horse and stretches. “This should suffice just fine!” he announces, then winces as he stands straight and adds, “anything to get off these horses…”

“Is this really the best we can do?” Sain whines, “This mildewy old fortress? Surely you all jest at the thought of sleeping here tonight?”

“As we’ve already agreed Sain,” Ivy begins, making no effort to look towards him as she begins unpacking, “this place will be a lot safer than any village, even if we don’t account for the villagers that would be put in danger. We can’t ask that of them when the bandits keep them in turmoil enough as it is…”

“Plus,” Lyn adds, “who wants to be stuck inside a musty old tavern? I much prefer somewhere where I can feel the wind blow through the sky…” Her eyes become soft and slightly distant, until she feels Florina cling to her arm.

“Just as long as I can be with Lyn, I don’t mind either,” Florina adds.

“And anyway,” Kent remarks, looking towards his companion, “neither you nor I will even be sleeping tonight, remember? We are to keep watch in case anyone tries to take us by surprise.”

“Ah, alas…I may have forgotten that important detail,” Sain admits sheepishly.

Suddenly from within the fortress, a soft voice is heard. “Beg your pardon milady…” it begins.

The group quickly reaches for their weapons, and Lyn is the first to respond to the mysterious voice. “Who’s there? Show yourself!” she calls sternly.

“Ah, forgive me!” The voice calls, and a woman limps out of the doorway. “I’m from a village not far from here—ah!”

The woman’s leg gives out from under her, and she collapses to the ground. Lyn rushes to help her. “Are you okay?” she asks, “What’s happened to your leg?”

“Ah, it’s nothing,” the woman replies, “it’s from a childhood sickness. I cannot travel far on it, but it does not pain me.” She senses the concern in Lyn’s eyes and adds, “really, I’m quite alright.”

“In that case, why have you come out here?” Lyn asks skeptically.

“Ah, well…” the woman’s voice becomes softer yet, and she looks away from her saviour. “I’m out here looking for my husband. He told me he was leaving to help earn some money to help with my leg…” her voice trails off.

“Then why worry?” Lyn asks, “Surely he can take care of himself, and that’s very good of him to help care for you.”

“Yes, he is a kindhearted man,” the woman smiles, now back on her feet with Lyn’s help. Her smile then falls as she adds, “but I think he may be involved in something dangerous. He is capable, but he’s been gone for far too long, and he’s had me worried sick.” She pauses, then looks at the rest of Lyn’s companions. “You all look like travelers,” she remarks, “I don’t suppose you’ve seen him around here? His name is Dorcas. He’s tall and strong, with iron-coloured hair.” The woman produces a sketch and hands it to Lyn. “It’s a poor resemblance, but have you seen someone who looks like this nearby?”

“I’m terribly sorry” Lyn apologizes. “I can’t say that I have.”

“And the rest of you?” the woman asks hopefully.

The group cranes their necks to all see the sketch at once, but they all shake their heads disappointingly.

The woman’s face becomes solemn again. “I see…” she laments. “Well if you do run into him, would you please tell him that Natalie is worried about him?”

“I promise,” Lyn answers, “you have my word, I swear by—”

“Milady Lyndis!” Kent interrupts suddenly, looking towards the hills behind them, “it looks as if we have company!”

As the group turns towards Kent’s gaze, they can make out a rugged travelling party. The only people that would be travelling this way would have to have been following Lyn and her cadre…

“Damn them!” Wil exclaims, “How did they manage to find us?”

“No matter how Wil. They have, and we have to protect Natalie from them” Lyn exclaims in return. She turns towards Natalie; “Go hide inside, we’ll guard the entrances and keep them at bay. You stay out of sight, and keep quiet!” Lyn urges.

“Yes’m!” Natalie replies, and limps back inside the fortress.

“Ivy, we could use your advice right about now!” Lyn calls. As if out of thin air, Ivy appears and begins issuing orders to the group.

“Kent, Sain, you two have the most combat experience, so you’ll make for our guard at the front entrance,” she instructs. “Lyn, you take the side entrance. Florina, you go with her and watch her back!” The two women race towards the eastern entrance of the fort. “Wil, your task is to keep an eye on Natalie, and watch out for stragglers. Yell if anyone manages to slip past!”

“Got it!” Wil replies, and runs to take his post. He stops partway and turns back towards the tactician. “What about you ma’am? Will you be fighting?”

“Alas, I have learned only the most basic of swordplay from Lyn.” She remarks. “I have a spare sword on me, but I don’t intend to have to use it. Instead, I’ll be inside making sure Natalie is okay. I don’t want to be a liability on the front lines.”

“Then I’ll be keeping an eye on you as well miss.” Wil replies, and he beckons her to follow. The two head for the centre of the fort, and Wil takes his place out front of the door.

***

The sounds of fighting echo throughout the abandoned fortress. Natalie tries to seem brave, but Ivy can tell that she is frightened beyond belief. She moves closer and puts a consoling arm around her to try and reassure her.

“It’ll be alright,” Ivy tells her, “these friends of mine will keep you safe; they’re all capable fighters in their own right.”

Natalie nods in acknowledgement, though her fears seem not to have been assuaged. As Ivy struggles to find something else to say, Natalie turns towards her.

“Do you know anything about the local bandits here?” Natalie asks.

Ivy replies somewhat puzzled. “Only that they go by the name of Ganelon, and that one of their leaders, Migal, had an unfortunate happening with a small band of travelers earlier today.”

Natalie lets out a short sigh and looks at the ground, then continues. “I can’t help but worry that perhaps my husband decided to join them for work,” she says, her voice shaky. “They’re not really known for doing physical harm, mostly just intimidating villagers for their money…” she trails off and takes a breath. “It’d be dirty money, but I feel that if that was his only option, he’d put himself through that if it meant helping me…”

Natalie begins to sob quietly. Ivy goes to console her again when—

*shuffle shuffle*

The sounds of shuffling feet sound just beyond the doorway. She bolts up with a start and calls out: “Wil, is that you?”

Nobody answers.

Ivy hesitantly picks up her sword and calls out again. “Whoever you are, I’m armed! Retreat now, and no harm will come to you!”

Still nobody answers.

By now Natalie has crawled to the back corner and is cowering in fear while doing her best to keep her frightened sobs as quiet as possible. Ivy begins cautiously approaching the doorway, beyond which she can only see darkness. She grips her sword tight, rehearsing her brief instruction from Lyn over and over in her head, and takes a step outside the doorway. Everything is silent, and Wil is nowhere to be seen.

She can barely make out the outline of a figure in the darkness. “Reveal yourself!” she yells, putting her sword between her body and the body of the figure in front of her. The mysterious figure, aware that they have been spotted, begins to approach Ivy swiftly. Ivy stumbles back in surprise, falling backwards. She winces and grips her sword tight in both hands, hoisting it above her head, lest a foreign blade be brought down on her. Heavy footsteps begin to approach her, though she still cannot see the figure that approaches. She realizes that her breath is caught in her throat, and that she cannot scream. She shuts her eyes tight, waiting for the inevitable—

*fwhip*

An arrow whizzes overhead and falls between Ivy and her assailant who stops suddenly in their tracks. Wil’s voice calls out from behind her, “Not a step farther you rogue! Next time I shoot to kill!”

Ivy scrambles to get her footing, and turns to see Wil and Lyn swiftly approaching. As she runs towards Ivy, Lyn effortlessly draws her blade, which glows faintly in the darkened halls.

“Stop right where you are!” Lyn threatens, her blade held forward confidently. “As long as you are not Taliver, you have no need to die here tonight. But take one step further, and you will not live to take another.”

A gruff voice calls out from the darkness. “You don’t understand,” it claims, “I have no choice, I need the girl.”

“I know what your kind does to women!” Wil shouts back, “It’s despicable. You’ll die before you lay a hand on her!”

“Please,” the voice almost sounds as if it is pleading, “let me have the girl. I promise to keep her safe from them, I just need the money.”

“How can we trust a brigand like you!?” Lyn calls back. “I should cut you down where you stand you—”

“Dorcas,” Ivy suddenly says, cutting Lyn off. “Dorcas; is that your name?”

The voice in the darkness hesitates and doesn’t respond, and Lyn and Wil look to Ivy quizzically.

“Dorcas, how would Natalie feel if she knew you were here!?” Ivy continues, hoping that her instincts are correct. “She’s been worried sick about you, and this is how you repay her? By risking your life and your morals on her behalf?”

The man stammers audibly, and then slinks forward out of the shadows.

“Dorcas, what if I told you that Natalie is the woman you’re trying to take to them?” Ivy says with a stern voice, and with that the man suddenly snaps to attention, his gaze fixating on Ivy.

“Natalie’s here?” he exclaims, his eyes widening in shock.

“She left looking for you because she was worried! She said she couldn’t shake the feeling that you might have stooped this low for her, joining with bandits in these parts. Oh how it would break her heart to know what you’ve been up to…” she trails off. By this point, Ivy is standing nearly face to face with the man Dorcas, despite the fact that he is nearly a foot taller than her.

Dorcas stares Ivy right in the eyes, and drops his axe at Ivy’s feet. “Here and now, my time with these bandits is over.” He says, gesturing towards his fallen axe. Ivy finally lets out the breath that she has been holding, and turns towards the others, who are still visibly perplexed by what has just occurred.

“What just—?” Wil begins, finally lowering his bow.

“We’ve found Natalie’s husband!” Ivy replies triumphantly, then turns towards Dorcas, “how many came with you this evening, and where are they hiding?” she demands suddenly, “If you want to prove that you bear no ill will, you’ll fight with us to help fend off the rest!”

Dorcas nods in understanding and picks up his axe, turning towards the others. “There’s a weak wall on the west side of the fortress,” he begins, “I was instructed to sneak through the east entrance during the confusion, but when I do not return, they will break down the walls and attack from the new entrance. They’ll attack on three sides, and should have no trouble overwhelming us with their numbers.” He explains. “Your name is Wil, yes?” he asks turning towards Wil.

“Yes sir!” Wil replies hesitantly.

“Your aim is good,” he remarks, “you weren’t aiming to hit me. Come with me, but shoot to injure. These men are despicable, yes, but they are only doing what they must.”

The duo looks hesitantly towards Dorcas, and then towards Ivy as if to ask can we trust him?

“I trust him,” she answers their unspoken question, “if he were going to harm us or Natalie, he would have done so by now.” She then begins to issue orders, “Lyn, you stay with Florina on the eastern entrance; but stay by the walls to avoid any more stealth bandits,” she says, indicating in Dorcas’s direction. “Wil, go with Dorcas and provide him with backup. I’ll go tell the knights to shadow the main entrance as well, and if anyone’s front is breached, call out and fall back. Protecting Natalie is our top priority!” she yells as she runs towards the knights at the main entrance, sword in hand.

***

The group scatters, following their new orders, and are able to hold the fortress and keep Natalie safe from harm. As the last bits of sunlight fade from the sky, the bandits’ will to fight seems to vanish as well, and they pull a hard retreat, leaving Lyn and the others having earned their beds for the evening. As Dorcas goes to reunite with his wife, and the knights and Ivy talk strategy, Florina goes looking for Lyn. She finds her lying in the grass just outside the fort, gazing up at the stars. She goes and sits down next to her.

“You fought well today Florina,” Lyn remarks, her gaze still fixed on the sky. “I see you’ve really been working hard at your training since you left for Ilia.” she says as she smiles.

“I suppose,” Florina pulls her knees to her chest and stares blankly ahead, “you did most of the work though, including mine for me…” she trails off meekly.

“What ever do you mean?” Lyn asks in confusion, sitting up to face her companion.

Florina’s face goes red, and she looks away from Lyn and mumbles something softly. Lyn scoots closer and puts a hand on Florina’s shoulder, and the two sit in silence for a while.

Florina is the first to break the silence. “I crashed because I had changed my mind about going.” She says matter-of-factly. “I got as far as Sacae before I doubted myself again, and when I tried to turn around to go home, I lost my balance and crashed into the tree where you found me.”

Lyn can feel Florina trembling despite the warmth of the evening breeze. She wraps her cloak around the both of them, and lets her calm down before continuing to listen to her.

“I was going to just head straight back and tell Fiora the disappointing news, but you were so kind to me. I mean, of course you were, why wouldn’t you have been Lyn? I couldn’t have turned down you or your family’s hospitality…” Florina fidgets nervously as she continues. “It took me a while to realize while I stayed with you, but I envied you Lyn; I still do. You’re so confident and skilled with everything you do. Your sword training, your time with the children…” she trails off, turning away again in embarrassment.

Lyn still sits in silence next to her friend, and Florina is silent for a while before speaking again.

“I envied you Lyn, I really did.” She begins. “But…at the same time, you became someone for me to look up to and to admire. I thought ‘If Lyn can be this strong and confident, then so can I!’” By now Florina’s eyes are sparkling dreamily in the moonlight, and Lyn can’t help but feel herself smiling.

Florina turns to face Lyn and continues, “You made me change my mind again Lyn. You made me determined to go become a knight! Because I finally had decided that my goal was to…” she stops short and her gaze falls to the ground between them.

“Yes?” Lyn asks, trying to meet her friend’s gaze.

“…my goal was…to be by your side and protect you.” Florina stammers, becoming increasingly flustered. She quickly adds, “I, uh…I didn’t w-want…anything to ever…uhm, happen to you, s-so I wanted…to be the one to…protect you.”

At this point, Lyn can no longer hide her smile, and embraces her dear friend who reacts with surprise. She then looks at Florina and tells her, “With you by my side, I don’t think I’ll ever have anything to fear.”

Florina’s face is solemn, and a few stray tears fall down her cheeks. “But that’s just the problem.” She replies, her voice shaking, “I’m not doing a very good job of protecting you. If anything, you’re the one always having to protect me.”

“Nonsense!” Lyn replies, “you’ve grown so much since I last saw you Florina. And you shouldn’t compare yourself to me, you’re just barely a knight-in-training, and I’ve been training since I was a little girl—”

“That’s exactly what I mean.” She cuts Lyn off, “you’ve been training to be a leader for so long, and here I thought that I of all people could become a knight worthy to protect you.” She wipes the tears from her eyes and looks away, mumbling softly. “I guess I really was mistaken…”

At this Lyn takes Florina’s hand and looks her in the eye. “Florina, listen to me,” she says, waiting until Florina turns meekly to face her before continuing, “when this is all over, I want you to return to Ilia and complete your training.”

“But!—“

“No buts!” she says, “I know you’re capable of becoming a knight, but you won’t get anywhere without the proper training first, okay?” Florina nods in agreement, and Lyn continues. “And after you graduate from the academy, I’ll take you back to the plains together, and I can train you to become a knight as skilled as the one she guards”

“What about your grandfather and Caelin?” She protests. “You’re heir to the title of Marquess Caelin Lyn, you can’t just run away with me to the plains!…”

Lyn pauses, she hadn’t forgotten about her grandfather, but she had never before thought about the fact that she would be inheriting his title of Marquess. Were women allowed to be Marquess? Would they listen to her, or would they shun her just like her tribe had? Who would ever want to be in charge of a whole province anyway? Her father could barely keep the respect of their tribe, imagine if he had to ask it of all of Sacae. It was—

“Lyn, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry…” Lyn puts a hand to her check and finds it damp; she had been crying and not realizing it. She dries her eyes and looks to Florina with a pained smile.

“When I officially inherit the title of Marquess Caelin,” she begins, “I’ll need personal retainers to guard me day and night from assassins!” Florina’s eyes widen skeptically, and Lyn continues, “and what better guard than a knight who swoops down from the skies and lands on them before they know what hit them?” Florina lets out a small giggle, and nudges Lyn,

“Hey, that was one time!”

Lyn’s smile becomes more genuine, and she continues, “and I won’t feel safe unless I train my personal knights myself. I’ll have to make sure to take them to my ‘secret training grounds’ and give them proper lessons.” She says, winking at Florina, who smiles back at her. “And as Marquess, I can go wherever I want without question, and everyone will have to follow my orders!” The two laugh together as they think up and recite to each other the ridiculous orders that Lyn would give to her imaginary servants at the castle.

Then, Lyn takes Florina’s hand in her own, and looks at her in earnest. “Promise me that you’ll complete your training, and then become my personal knight Florina?”

“I promise Lyn.” She says with a nod and a smile. She then hugs Lyn close and the two sit in silence under the stars.

***

When Kent makes his rounds later that night, he stumbles upon Lyn and Florina side-by-side and fast asleep. Lyn has her arms held tightly around Florina, who looks the most relaxed and comfortable she has looked since he met her. He wraps an extra blanket around the two, and they sleep soundly snuggled together until dawn.

#fanfic #fire emblem #blazing sword #rekka no ken #lyn x florina

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