#relistened to all the scenes of them and feeling sad

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 180 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: cutting the French tamarisk in my garden.

Okay I had an epiphany today!!! Since this would have been the finale for the season hiatus in a world without Covid I already wondered in my post for MAG 176 if there also would have been a trailer for the last act in this case. Cause there never has been a trailer during a season hiatus, just the season trailers. But for act III there actually is a trailer!... So, what if there was also a trailer planned for this one (cause it's going to be the last stretch of episodes of TMA, so why not?) and since this episode stops at Jon and Martin finding Salesa's bubble, the trailer could have been an Upton House apocalypse boyfriends scene!

MARTIN: "In fact, this time, when you start to… intone, I’m going to find a nice soundproof mausoleum, and just, just chill with whatever horrors they’ve got lurking in there. Y’know. Maybe play a bit of I Spy or something." That's the spirit! (ha... spirit!)

MARTIN: "I-I’ll start. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with… T–" JON: "Tombs." MARTIN: "Cheater." JON: [Indignant] "I did not!" MARTIN: "Your turn." JON: "Fine. I spy with my little eye… Literally everything." [MARTIN LAUGHS] [JON LAUGHS] [A NEARBY TOMB LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER STOPS WITH TENSE SIGHS] Can't have shit in the apocalypse XD That poor tomb is probably super sad now that they didn’t like it joining in on the funnsies... Also, when I heard the mention of I Spy the first time I knew this would end in Jon saying something like this, it was just so obvious xD

Jon: My unending thirst for knowledge made me lose my humanity and I've done so much damage... Also Jon: Holy fucking shit, a mystery! Quickly, I need to find out what it is!!!

MARTIN: "Just so you know, this… this is an adorable look on you." JON: [Impatient] "Yes, yes, yes, yes…" MARTIN: [Humouring] "Alright, then. Lead on Scooby, let’s go solve a mystery, ooooh…" This is indeed pretty darn cute.

I don't get that statement ^^' So someone died, who was a horrible person to the subject and the subject is forced to hold a sugar-coated eulogy.Still oppressed by that person even in death (= corpse biting the subject). But all that before this last scene? Also with the mausoleums and such I always thought this would be an End domain. But what the subject is going through with the eulogy doesn't sound like End to me at all. Quite the opposite, it's not ending with that person's death...

Why is there a peacock at Upton House? xD Those birds are loud af! (Speaking about the soundscaping when they first find the bubble.)

MARTIN: "But it’s… it’s fine. It’s better than fine. T-There are trees. Look! Like, real trees!" JON: "It’s beautiful." Okay, I think THIS is so important! Jon also thought the Mortal Garden is beautiful and stuff, showing his monster side. But, if anyone ever had any doubt about Jon's humanity, this is telling us, there is plenty left! Being able to appreciate something that is not pumping horror happy hormones into him.

MARTIN: "Okay, so where would they be?" JON: "No idea." That little laugh after "no idea"! He's so happy to not Know things^^ Happy to be just Jon and not the Archivist.

MARTIN: "I’ll tell you what, it is more convenient when you know everything." Yeah, Martin, we know you have a thing for monsters xD By the way another good example for them being able to tease each other.

ANNABELLE: "You can relax, Mr. Blackwood. You’re safe here." MARTIN: "I don’t feel it." ANNABELLE: "Not something I can help, I’m afraid." I mean, that's kinda Annabelle's thing. Not being helpful...

SALESA: "Hoo-hoo-hoo! Excellent! Come in, come in! Ah, a pleasure to meet both of you. Thank you Annabelle." You know, just a few days before I first listened to bis episode my spouse and I rewatched The Matrix trilogy and this accent reminded me so much of the Merovingian.

SALESA: "The one and only. I must say I’ve been, uh…" [JON AND MARTIN COLLAPSE WITH A SMALL SNORE, FAST ASLEEP] ANNABELLE: "I did say this might happen." Excellent comedy! 10/10

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #mag 180 #tma #tma spoilers

[queenmillymonkey]

NPMD song tier list

Controversial

As cool as I think I am: I never really vibed with this song. I mean it's good but compared to every other song it just doesn't excite me as much. Although it does always make me laugh and cry.

If I loved you: I just started warming up to this song, but it's also like as cool as I think I am. And then also to sing this right after Ruth dies? If this was placed after they honored her a little more that'd be fine. The emotional whiplash from just for once to this song

The best of you: definitely an earworm. I love all the highschool characters we got from this one song (like brooke and rudolph) and also how this is like their up-town funk, that idea is absolutely adorable. But then, 3 kids died from murders (soon to be 4) in the course of one month and they just forget about it? I can't help but feel a little sour about that. But other than that I love it.

Cool as I think I am (reprise) this song brings me to tears every time I watch NPMD. LIKE joeys performance in this? Breathtaking. It's very sad but also very short

The summoning: I really want to put this song up higher but I do get second hand embarrassment for some parts. Other than that I love the LIB and was absolutely ecstatic we had something for them all together. I really love pokey after yellow jacket so I wish they evened out the lines throughout the song

Dirty Dudes must die: I love how batshit insane Grace became at the end. She is a true icon. And the vocals? CHEFS KISS! Her ending pose is everything. She is THE GIRLBOSS

Dirty girl: I'm going to be honest, I skipped this the first time I watched NPMD. But rewatching and relistening to it really made me appreciate the amazing harmonies in this song. I love them so much in this, although its extremely embarrassing watching with your friends

Literal monster: again, I would love to put this higher but it's hard to rate this. I love love love how max sings a verse in this. But also how the nerds sing too, god the choreography is just sjrjrntjng

Go Go Nighthawks! THE FUCK YOU CLIVESDALE VERSE HAS ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING. And Richie dancing in the mascot costume is so funny to me too. Especially cause Jon was battling to keep that on his head when he was in the play. Plus this song is the last time we'll see everyone happy together.

Bury the bully: this song is so funny. But also how everyones voices go together? Changing from bully the bully to bury the bully is GENIUS. the end when "I just cut off his nips" and grace screams "GIVE ME THOSE" is definitely an underrated line

Bully the bully: I know I keep on saying that these songs are hilarious, and that's because they are. Like, the chemistry all the nerds had in this scene? The spins? You can see how much more sure of this they are then in the 'reprise' and how they think this is going to solve all of their problems (it does for like two weeks)

Hatchettown: all the cameos in this made the hours of going through NMT so worth it. (I do recommend watching it. At least season two) even kn tje cast recording boy jerry is in it calls Jeri a dirty girl and I don't think many people know about that. And the bridge in this song? Heavenly. Actually a 10/10 song.

Nerdy prudes must die: this scene is heartbreaking but it was necessary for us to hear Jon's amazing voice. The little details where max uses his powers on him and he like flops to the floor? To good. And he thinks saying "I'm not a loser" will help his case like in all of his animes LMAO. This just really shows how far everyone in starkid has come.

Highschool is killing me: best opening number ever (totally not biased) the opening lines always give me chills how it always smoothly transitions. I think everything in this is perfect.

Just for once is one of the best songs of the hatchet field trilogy and here's why: it uses clever word play and shows how Ruth isn't just a throwaway character.

Jeff blim isn't really known outside of the fandom from having the best lyrics (I obviously love them but this is just some beliefs other people have) he really outshined with this. It just looks so dumb but when you really feel dive on what the double meaning for every lyric is you really start to appreciate it.(someone pointed this out once and I'm just obsessed:the joke of her brushing her hair with the grill brush is also funny because she doesn't have any hair from her chemo treatment)It's heartbreaking to see how Ruth longs for something people wouldn't consider a big deal; she wants to be a middle aged mom. That goal just to be found is so sad to see how much she wants it and then you see that she's never ever going to reach that goal because of Max jagerman. Ruth definitely makes people uncomfortable when watching the musical, but for her character saying the most out of pocket things is her way of getting attention, and then also to have such a pathetic death? It really rubs salt in the wound.

In many ways I can relate to Ruth. Her want to be something when she's older. Ruth's need of attention and affection is also kind of how I do it: with theater and saying weird shit. Although when I say weird shit I think it's hilarious to see their reaction. But she also wants to perform and I love to perform so much and being someone you aren't for just an hour seems so fun.

They couldn't have chosen anyone better but Lauren for this role. You can see how much thought she put into her acting: her little facial expressions, the slightest change in tone of voice and her posture. I love the way she acts in the beginning of the song with the eye batting and the over animated movements are so satisfying but also serve a purpose. It shows how Ruth is mocking the play, but once the movements become less and less animated you see that she longs for that life she is talking about. I just absolutely adore the song and character although she is seen as weird. ENDING NOTES: THIS SONG IS SO GOOD!! LISTEN TO IT RIGHT NOW

If you actually read the whole thing thank you :))

[melancholycatastrophe]

Jotting down some thoughts about Only Friends Episode 4:

spoilers, obviously

That first scene with Ray broke me, that feeling of worthlessness and how everyone must hate you hit a little too hard for me

I was right thinking that Ray is closer to Mew than the others (and maybe vice versa), possibly because Mew is his emergency contact and saved him when he was feeling suicidal; which reminds me of when Ray told Sand that it was his turn to save him after Sand took care of him while he was drunk

That one person's theory that Ray is using Sand as an emotional replacement for Mew, who he already holds on a pedestal and probably is attached to Mew more than he likes Mew, is probably true. Idk I'm not really analyzing but I genuinely feel that Ray uses people as an emotional crutch in order to get things from them that he never got from his own mom - love, compassion, someone to hold

Cheum is so me: "Ray, if I wasn't a lesbian I would love you"

Side note: I love scenes where all four of them are together and doing friend stuff even though they're all backstabbing each other (except Cheum, bless her)

The fact that Boston saw his two close friends kiss and recorded it, kept it for two years without saying anything is so???????? I want to crack open his head and figure out whats wrong with him

Ray saying Sand is not his type after he had his tongue down his throat not 30 minutes ago is??????????

Ray still being in love with Mew is so sad especially when Mew clearly only sees him as a friend (He's gotta be on the ace-aro spectrum is2g Mew is demisexual and probably aroflux or something along that line. Trust me, I'm also ace(-probably aro) and he's just like me)

Mew laying clear boundaries with others is hot. Actually, yes, kissing someone who is asleep without their consent is weird and you shouldn't do it, this isn't a kdrama Ray, you can't get away with it

I can't wait for Nick to rock Boston's shit I'll be honest, I really want him to try and blackmail Boston into a relationship, they can be red flag4red flag

Top really has the AUDACITY to call Mew his future boyfriend as if he didn't fuck Boston like he had something to prove just the other day, all men do is lie

That airplane with a B on it....the photobooth at the hotel.....Top I was really rooting for you but you're getting on my last nerve...

Ray is the kinda guy that doesn't know what the price of eggs are

"I do want money but friendship and love can't be bought" Sand I literally can't relate, would love someone to buy me things in exchange for my friendship

Raysand is so cute at the guitar shop I just know Ray is gonna leave Sand broken hearted, there's no way Sand is getting out of this unscathed

Ray is so lovely when he apologizes and looks up with those puppy dog eyes I would forgive him too, its okay Sand

Sand loves arctic monkeys and oasis 😭 move over Ray, I can treat him better

Every time Boston is in the same frame as Top, I let out the biggest sigh; I love Ton, I won't lie, but God I need him to leave topmew alone (on the other hand, I wanna see Mew rock both Top and Boston's shit)

I love that scene in the elevator when Top was reading Ton to filth but couldn't he had done it before he had sex with him???? Like Book, I too will bring up that car scene every single time

God I don't trust Top

Out of context BostonNick is really cute, I wanna see Neo and Mark together in another series where they get play boyfriends

also Nick relistens to that damn audio more times than I rewatch episode 12 of Mignon

Nick trying to blackmail Top instead of telling Mew is such a choice. "Can you stay away from Boston?" bruh he's trying to, Boston is the one that appears out of nowhere like that one mosquito

"Top stole my ex" OH MY GOD OHHHHH MY GOD I KNEW IT BUT IT STILL TOOK ME BY SURPRISE

Book is so fine, idk something about the glasses gets me in every scene he's in

unrequited love for your best friend is so rough, I feel for you Ray (but he has a point. Mew, do you really want Top as your boyfriend?)

"Who punched you? I want to give them a trophy?" You can suck his dick too, Ray, since it's Sand

For a second I forgot who Beam was 😭 I was so focused on Boston and Top that I forgot Top slept with the entire young adult male population of Thailand

"Beam is a drug dealer" hOW IS THAT ANY BETTER?????

"Are you okay with that?" WHY WOULD HE BE OKAY WITH HIS POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND DOING COCAINE?????

why do I have the oddest feeling that Mew has some kind of background with dealing with addicts cuz that "quit drugs" speech was a little too impassioned. like a previous family member or someone was an addict and now he no longer wants to take care of people who are addicts because of how emotionally exhausting it is. maybe this theory is coming out of my ass but it might explain why he keeps Ray strictly as a friend (since not only is he an alcohol addict he also does cocaine???? boy are you trying to kill yourself?) and he gets mad at top for also doing drugs

i thought mew would use sex as a way to prove that he and ray were strictly friends, not as a reward to get top to stop doing drugs. i'm so flabbergasted and also top is kinda weird for wanting sex as a reward for taking care of himself but whatever

now I'm distracted at the fact that Top brought a packet of cocaine with him to Mew's place like??? was he planning to sniff a line while Mew was sleeping or...?

Man I was wrong about that airplane....but my point still stands

out of context topmew is cute

ray just wants to feel important to someone but now that mew has top, he's gonna cling to sand....i'm sad i just want ray to love and be loved

sharing music is a love language

the next episode looks too happy, i dont trust it

#only friends the series #only friends spoilers

[chemicalkind]

as my dashboard's foremost naddpod stan, do you have any episodes that stand out as your favorites/ones that affected you the most?

ok yes absolutely. so for bahumia the one that stands out to me the most is episode 70 i think it's like one of the best naddpod episodes. hardwon's reincarnation, bev telling erlin about terran, moonshine meeting lucanis. it's so good there's so many iconic scenes. also can't be bothered to figure out which episode this was but the fight with ezra the unkind is one of my fav bahumia moments i love when murph incorporates story stuff into battles. also i love the hell arc but specifically the personal battles in ep 81 like bev fighting bev sr and almost going with him and "a child has a duty to his father. a hero has a duty to the world" like ahhh and the flashback with bev and egwene as his dad performs that execution. bev is my favorite bahumia pc i think that impacts a lot of this lmao. ok but we all know eldermourne has my whole heart and i have a lot more favorite eldermourne episodes. episodes 4 and 8 are incredible i am always baffled by how good the beginning of eldermourne was like they went into that season straight away with so much emotion and story and good acting. all the flashbacks from the broken heart banshee episode are so good and also sadie's story makes me really sad i love her. and when they're telling each other about their backstories on the boat as they leave thornkirk <33. god i love the third mates. next i love love love the whole arc in sirenloch it is my favorite part of eldermourne hands down. i have relistened to all the zirk and stella moments from those like at least 5 times they make me go crazy, but the hank and hank jr stuff is also really good and all of that happening while the plot really starts to kick in. incredible. that's all like episodes 25-29, i really like 26 for the hank and his son scene and 29 for the scene where zirk leaves stella again. then i'm predictable and i fucking love the eldermourne finale. it's such a good finale like some people say eldermourne ended too soon or it should have been more developed but i feel like i was too invested in everything in eldermourne to be critical of it lmao. all of the fia/irina stuff is so good and painful, zirk's death and revival is such a good execution of his character arc and his themes like how he has this guilt around hurting people when he was younger and not helping them like he wanted to, and in the end he sacrifices himself to be able to help the world. and his work to find an all cure elixir and make up for his past mistakes is what lets him come back to life. god. sorry this post is really long but i have a lot to say about naddpod oops.

#naddpod #bahumia #eldermourne #sorry this post is so long #thanks for the ask leigh ily

[makeit0utalive]

Hello and welcome to the latest installment of Dove Does Reviews. Today’s album: Hotel Kalifornia

Chaos: I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this song. When it first released, I loved it, listened to it all the time. After a while, I didn’t care for it much. Now, as I’m relistening to the album and writing this, I’m loving the song. Usually by the time an album releases I’m tired of the first single, but not in this case. I feel like Johnny and Funny’s parts feel a bit out of place in this song, but other than that I really enjoy it. I’ll give it 7.5/10.

World War Me: When this first started playing I didn’t expect it to have such a heavy chorus, but I’m glad it did, because it’s great. Love me some angry screaming Danny. I’m really happy with the long verses on this song, I’ve always preferred those to the shorter ones. The “bleh bleh bleh bleh” took me out on my first listen, and now it’s just hilarious. Love the energy on this song. 9.5/10.

Ruin My Life: I wasn’t sure what to think of this song when I first heard it. I think this was mostly due to the fact I had no idea what Charlie was saying on the chorus. Charlie Scene more like Charlie Brown’s school teacher because I couldn’t understand a word. After a day or two a flip in me switched and since then I’ve been really digging this song. Definitely giving me Cashed Out vibes and I love it. 7.5/10 because I still can’t tell what Charlie is saying on the chorus.

Hourglass: After watching and reading many interviews where the guys hyped this song up and said it was one of their favorites, I got really excited for it, but if I’m being honest, I was kinda disappointed. It’s not bad, but I don’t quite love it. Give it time though, because it’s already grown on me since the first listen. I was happy that Danny FINALLY GOT A VERSE and that he got his name mentioned in a song for the first time! I think this will be a song that just takes some time to grow on me, and when it does I’ll love it. I’m already getting attached to the chorus. Gonna give it a 7/10 for now.

Go To War: I’m just now reading the lyrics for this and “so heartless won’t even hug mom” that’s. Kinda funny. Why does this song remind me of Hangin Tough by New Kids On The Block. I like that song so it’s not a bad thing but. Why. I really enjoy this song, love the energy, especially the part with all of them chanting, that really pumps me up. Let’s give this one…8.5/10.

Alone At The Top: This song is really pretty. That chorus is flawless, I’m obsessed. This is one that can be relaxing as just kinda background music, but will make you sad if you sit and listen closely. Don’t have much to say about this one other than I really like it. 9/10.

Wild In These Streets: This song is dope. Funny and J stole the show imo. Loved the King Kong throwback. This chorus is catchy as hell. This song just makes me wanna get Wild In These Streets yknow? Solid track and once again, I’m not sick of it despite it being a single that came out a while ago. 8/10.

Dangerous: Love love love this one. It’s the total package. Has everything you need. Everyone did so good on this one. Literally nothing I do not love about this song. I’m actually sitting here smiling as I listen to it because it’s just that good. 10/10.

Lion Eyes: Another one I’m absolutely obsessed with. It’s so theatrical and spooky. I love how raw they all sounded on this track. This is another one that I just smile while I listen to it because it’s that good. 10/10.

Trap God: I keep saying this, but once again, I love the energy in this sound. Like Papa Roach said in the comments of this song’s video, it makes me wanna bounce. Banger after banger on this album. 9/10.

Happy When I Die: “Wait, what happened?” I’m so glad they actually put that in a song, it needed to happen at this point. This song sounds like it could’ve easily come from Charlie’s solo album, I’d almost argue it fits in better with that album rather than this one, but either way, it’s a good song. Also, Funny, you alright dude? Need a hug? Giving this one a 7.5/10.

Reclaim: For some reason this song just isn’t clicking with me yet. It’s very good, and I really don’t know why I’m not connecting with it yet because this should be a song I’d enjoy, but I’m just not feeling it yet. Give it time, though, and I’m sure I’ll be loving it. Despite the lack of connection I have with this song it’s still getting a 7.5/10, because it is really good.

City Of The Dead: J singing was not on my HU8 bingo card, and yet here we are. This is another good one, everyone did great here. Top notch song. It is nearing 1am as I type this and I am getting tired. Good song. 8.5/10.

Alright: Alright…is what I am not after hearing this. This is my new favorite song. This is god tier. That high note in the background of the last chorus? Killed me. Deceased. If any song tops this one I will be shocked. 10000000/10.

This is a stunning album, and has secured its spot as my second favorite HU album (just wasn’t quite enough to top DOTD, but that’s gonna be a hard one to beat, I love that album). It was even better than I was expecting. I will be listening to the entire album daily from here on out.

#This review is kinda late but I wanted to really listen to everything before I made my final thoughts #Hollywood Undead

[koszmarnybudyn]

Happy to report i have finished episode 14 (and this time I have thoughts AND drawings) so as always here we go (SPOILER WARNING FOR EPISODE 14 OF DUNGEONS AND DADDIES!!!)

Also these are traditional doodles I made and they are kinda ugly but who cares!

Now to the thoughts part! (Also i will write down what I written in the schetches since my handwriting is shit)

Link deserves a gun :)

+1 self confidence armor (I got attention)

Only I'M allowed to be mean to Normal!

Rip Normal (nakey)

Yeah...sure-teach me sensei

Were you guys really scared?

Just a flesh wound

The sky is a butt now

Don't look at the sky

Can we get Normal some clothes? Or some shoes at least?

Sidekick!

<3Besties<3

So many nat1

I'm gonna go

It's good not everyone got dodlariezed

Can't belive the joke they made once turned out to be a plot point now

Maybe they will let him go since he is very stinky?

Okay now the actual thoughts:

I'm glad we got Hermie back, but now I am nearly convinced he is somehow magical or something (my bets are he is related to the Likelys), he and Taylor are offically besties (also Hermie and Normal is such a good ship in fannon but it makes a lot less sense in canon). Hermie is so weird and I love him (he feels so autistic to me ya know?)

Normal got more trauma yay! (This was a sad yay) He nearly died. Also my theory on "normal was still in his underwear" was proven correct and that neans I know have to figure out how to make a band tshirt :/ (why does he have so many outfits and why is each one worse than the last?)

Scary and Normals relashonship is so dear to me, they are besties your honor

Also Link just keeps slaying, he is so fun, i just love him, he is so responsible, awkward and yet badass and he cares so deeply :(

I fucking hate the dodlerized folks, they are so creepy (did we all forget the Mayor is still out there and is going to get an army and wreach havoc? Because i just remembered she is and that is not great)

The interactions with the parents were lovely (i have to relisten to that scene so i can figure out all their ring tones)

Taylor got so many nat1 this episode and also just awful rolls

Scary is so freaking powerful!!!

Does soneone know who the head could be? (I thought it was the Lance but then someone said it was terry sr and that seems more belivable but idk)

Wait can someone do the math on how much time has passed for the dads since every minute is about 2 weeks? (Im probablly wrong on how it works because that would mean years for them and that is not great)

That's it for now, I might edit this when i have more to add (i usually do)

Have a fantastic day/night/evening :)

#dungeons and daddies #dndads #spoilers for episode 14 #my art

[aflyingcontradiction]

The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 186 - Quiet

Martin II: Because it makes the sadness feel at home. It turns it from a burden into... Martin I: ... an indulgence.

I think I can sort of relate. This isn't something that happens to me a lot, but it is definitely a slightly familiar thought process.

Martin: Because you want to stay. Because you want to have a real rest. To just breathe and … be quietly sad, I guess.

It's true. The poor bastard has just been RUNNING (metaphorically, though sometimes literally) since the apocalypse, if you don't count the brief stint at Salesa's and even there he didn't really get to be by himself enough to digest any of it. I mean, Martin goes on to argue that it wouldn't be healthy but to be honest, wouldn't it??? At least for a moment??

Martin: But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

I think I've got that issue from the loved one's side (that is, I'm the one often too wrapped up in trying to be comforting to really help). But then, I have always said that Martin is painfully relatable to me.

Martin II: It wasn’t your fault. Martin I: Yes, it was. Martin II: That’s just the guilt talking. (...) Martin II: She was awful. Martin I: She wasn’t well. Martin II: Both things can be true. Martin I: She was still my mum! Our mum. Whatever! Martin II: And we’re glad she’s dead.

At first I thought the "Martin literally talking to himself" thing was a little hokey, but this is actually a very nice way of presenting the torn emotional landscape that is Martin's feelings about his mother.

Martin II: Because you feel guilty about everything.

If I remember correctly my partner gave me a very significant look when we were listening to this together for the first time. Martin really is uncomfortably relatable at times.

Martin I: I choose the guilt, because (...) Because it motivates me to do better!

I am beginning to feel a little uncomfortably seen here...

Martin II: It’s this, this fantasy that you have, that whatever you find at the top of the Panopticon is just going to solve everything.

Being called out by YOURSELF for your bullshit has got to smart a bit.

Martin II: I can’t tell you their names, because we don’t know them.

Hey, you literally just told us one of them is named Tim! Which one is it??

She wasn’t talking, wasn’t engaged with any of the bright and happy people. Her smile was fixed and deliberate, and it didn’t quite match her eyes. She was among this joy, yes, these sparkling friends, but she was not a part of it, not really. She tried to be, wanted so desperately to be a part of their easy warmth, and maybe they thought she was. But they hadn’t known her, not really. They hadn’t seen the empty ice that filled her, that kept her apart from them, that she desperately tried to thaw with each and every friendly face that smiled at her.

Yeah, been there, done that...

If they should stumble upon an old photograph, some half-remembered birthday party that still brings up a smile, and then see her face, sat there amongst the revellers, they will frown, just for a moment, as they try to remember her name. Then they will shrug, and forget they were even curious. They will not think to wonder about her.

It does seem like every single Lonely episode conjures up at least one scene or concept that is an absolute nightmare scenario for me. Cf. THIS SHIT!

My impression of this episode

This is a very quiet episode (does what it says on the tin, I suppose!) but also a very good one. Martin's "self-analysis" is rather poignant in parts (and perhaps hits a little close to home at times, as Martin-centric episodes apparently tend to do for me). I also find this expression of the Lonely rather fascinating (and again, personally hard-hitting), but the Martin-Martin conversation is definitely the highlight of this episode.

#tma relisten #the magnus archives

[portablecity]

recent watches and listens and reads

Movies: The Pale Blue Eye - not bad, but by halfway through i had a strong “i bet the book is real good” feeling despite not knowing at that point that there was a book. Extreme problem of Charming Young Men In Uniform who all looked identical.

Point Break - a cultural moment I am glad to have caught up on. Incredible steady escalation of the tone and stakes. Bodie was a terrifyingly accurate depiction of the self-absorbed new age older dudes that hung around art school student scenes. Has anyone adapted this movie into a Descended From the Queen hack yet?

Woman King - hey i waited way too long to watch this, i super recommend it, it did not pull any punches on the action, the script, the themes, the emotional arc, the everything. It turned out that watching the trailer had told me almost nothing about it. Still a bit stunned. And despite the uniforms every character was easy to id and learn about and love.

The Hexer - the polish tv movie adaptations of The Witcher from like 20 years ago. It’s on youtube for free. No budget but all the enthusiasm. Pretty sure Henry Cavill based his geralt on this one, down to quite a few of the gestures and poses.

Audiobooks:

I’m working my way through the discworld books for the nth time, this time via my library’s audiobook collection. I have unconditional love for the series, but if you are coming from outside and want a place to start, I think I’d recommend Going Postal as your intro.

Most recently I just finished The Monstrous Regiment, and it is everything i remember and more. Some authors move the goalposts, or the finish line; Pratchett keeps moving the punchline, building on the joke until it’s non longer a joke and instead a core theme with big beautiful emotional payoff. I cried A Normal Amount.

Favourite character moments so far:

Sybil: in The Fifth Elephant, climbing out the window.

Vimes: any of his conversations with Willikins in Snuff.

Willikins: every time he is on screen, as it were.

Carrot: honest to god the addition of age and experience has really changed how i see Carrot and frankly I find him pretty terrifying. By the end of Men at Arms he is Legit Scary, and the shit he pulls in The Fifth Elephant is not cool. The only Carrot I particularly like is the one you hear in his letters home.

The Wizards: everything in Unseen Academicals.

The Librarian: how could i choose, honestly

Moist: the shit he pulls at the end of Going Postal; it’s such a bastard move for a good cause, which is i think the core of his appeal.

Death: dancing with Miss Flitworth

Vetinari: every conversation with Moist. Especially the one with the signet ring.

Gaspode: never not a fav but especially love his cameo in The Truth.

Angua: again, i feel like i read her very differently now; I don’t know if I really get her anymore. Further rereading needed.

I have been on the holds list for the witches books for a While, and the library doesn’t even HAVE Lord & Ladies, but I will update as I get to them. I do appreciate every moment Magrat gets her own out of a scene. But how to pick a fav moment with any of the others?

The only books I haven’t reread MANY times before this reread are Unseen Academicals, and Raising Steam; relistening to Unseen Academicals was a delight and left me very sad Pratchett didn’t get to continue those thoughts and themes further. Maybe the sweetest romances in the whole series. And somehow I just didn’t register Pepe and Madame on my first readthrough? Anyways I’m excited for Raising Steam, but not sure where to find an audobook version at this time.

Listening:

I discovered accordion players performing music like Vivaldi sonatas and Bach fugues and that certainly lives rent free in my brain now:

Otherwise I think I’ve listened to Devin Townsend’s Terria album at least twice a week sonce november. It’s harder to track down nowadays but remains a favourite.

Also we watched Andor slowly and carefully and I am still extremely immersed; can’t believe they got me back into the s’wars after boba and kenobi, honestly, but i am real glad I watched it.

Also, I read Ducks by Kate Beaton in a single sitting. Recommended.

#music #books #movies #heavy metal #discworld #reread #accordion #good times #recommendations #Youtube

[sleepyysapphic]

its missing taakitz hours :((

#taz #taz taakitz #taakitz #relistened to all the scenes of them and feeling sad #i wish we had more content between their date and the finale bc man it went by quick #tho i think they confirmed that they did go on more dates btween the date and the finale bc kravitz tells taako he loved him

[tsukki-rising]

~wrapped up in you~

pairing: tsukishima x reader fluff

word count: 2,160

summary: one day tsukki follows you on spotify and starts to listen to the same music you do and might get a little obsessed with listening along with you

a/n: jngbrnfj this is my first work, pls be nice and i hope you enjoy

- ok ok so you're kind of friends with yams and tsukkishima and you walk home together a lot - there isn't much conversation for the most part with tsukki listening to his music and yams being a drained lil introvert at the end of long school days and volleyball practice, but you don't mind the quiet walk and actually listen to your own music too - now tsukki, who has been expertly hiding his feelings for you, being the beanpole that he is can see right over your shoulder and look at what you're listening to and after seeing the name and cover of one of your spotify playlists, he finds your account using that - this simp oh my god he follows you and you can't tell it's him because he doesn't use his real name and you're just like "whatever" - now his favorite thing to do at any given time is to check out what you're listening to and listen along with you - now sometimes you do try to initiate a conversation with tsukki even though he is pretty scary, yes even though you're friends with the boy you still get nervous and flustered around the guy cause he's just that pretty scary looking - one day you ask him what he's listening to,,, - he can't say that he listens to what you listen to because it's pretty far from his personal taste (though the lines are blurring between yours and his tastes at this point) - but he still wants to say something that he knows you'd like so he opts to say that he's listening to the soundtrack of one of your favorite movies and acts surprised when you tell him you love the movie and proceed to have a whole conversation about it with him - he is absolutely melting inside with you being so excited to talk about it and rambling about your favorite scenes and songs on the track - but on the outside, he's still big bad tsukki so he just nods along and acts mildly disinterested - sometimes he'll just be studying and hit a roadblock or get bored so he goes to spotify and checks what you're listening to so he can listen to it too and it's like you're listening together - oh my god like that one soulmate au - anyways,,, December rolls around and all of a sudden everyone is talking about their spotify wrapped - tsukki is slightly embarrassed - your music is ruling over his top songs and top artists - the whole time he's tapping through it he feels kinda pathetic for liking you this much and still having not done a single thing about it but also makes him so soft when he's reminded of each cute song and just imagining listening to them with you - he treasures his wrapped and relistens to all the same songs you do as you get your wrapped playlist too - but then... - but then he walks into practice the next day and everyone is talking about their wrapped playlists, showing off their top songs they start to compare and compete to see who has the best wrapped - tanaka, suga, noya, hinata, kageyama, and yams are the ones that get the most excited over the little competition and they are determined to get to the bottom of whose wrapped is the best - you're there at the practice with yachi to help plan new designs for some posters, the team included you both in the competition but since your taste was so different they ruled your wrapped out for the sake of time - tsukki is so nervous - he doesn't want to walk right over to you because he's still keeping his feelings hidden but if he goes to the team they might try to pull him into their shenanigans and he can't have them knowing that he listens to the exact same music you do - he's just kind of standing there uncertain until noya sees him and yells "hey!! tsukkishima, you're always listening to music when we try to talk you into extra practice you better have good a taste, get over here and show us your wrapped" - normally tsukki would have a quick response, tell them that their game is a stupid waste of time but he's been caught off guard - the poor boy actually stutters for a second, eyes darting around the gym like he'll find an excuse - after a moment he finds his composure and sighs, looking to noya and just saying "no" - Suga pauses his argument with hinata to look to tsukki "come on, team bonding" though clearly he has the same motivation as everyone else in the completion, to win and assert superiority over the others - tsukki begins to decline once more before tanaka interrupts "no, no suga let him keep it to himself, his taste is probably too elevated for our inferior brains anyway" he says sarcastically - but as tsukki rolls his eyes and sighs, relieved that he's off the hook, tanaka turns to the rest of the group and gives a wink -"but since you're not busy tsukki could you get the balls for us?" tanaka adds - typically tsukki would put up the biggest fuss before he would do any work that he doesn't have to but today he's happy for the escape to the storage closet - as tsukki starts walking, tanaka turns to the competing group and gets close to yamaguchi so he can whisper "yamaguchi, whats his spotify wrapped look like?" - yams, the shy boy he is panics at the intensity of tanaka's question putting all the focus on him "wh-what?" - tanaka is determined to find his answer so he presses "come one, you're his best friend you have to know" - "oh, oh yeah," yamaguchi realises he could check tsukki's spotify account since he follows him - when yams pulls up the playlist he has to take a second to double and triple check that he's got the right playlist because he swaers this is the same one you showed to everyone just minutes ago - tanaka gets impatient and moves behind yamaguchi to get a good view at what he seems to be so confused about but finds himself just as confused - soon the whole group looks to check out the results but they just don't know how to react and kinda just sit there sharing looks of confusion - except for hinata - hinata is just like 'oh my god that's such a cool coincidence!' and as he sees tsukki returning from the storage room he brings it up without a second thought - "tsukkishima you and Ivy have the exact same taste in music that's so cool!"... - tsukki's heart stops - you definitely heard that - everyone in the gym definitely heard that - its times like these when tsukki's aloof mask comes in handy and with everyone looking at him, he deadpans "good music is good music", shrugs, and moves on - now you, you are confused, you weren't really listening to the boys before hinata's little outburst so you didn't understand what they were talking about and continued you conversation with yachi, making a mental note to ask tsukki about it when you walked home together because he seemed pretty bothered and always loved to complain about his loud teammates - and so, practice moves on as /mostly usual/ - aside from the perplexed looks at tsukkishima of course but he just cuts them off with a glare of his own - at the end of practice as you wait for your two friends outside the gym you listen to your playlist and think back to the times you remember listening to each one on repeat and thinking about a certain #11 - yams exits the gym first (tsukki taking a minute to find some composure to walk next to you the whole way home) - you decide to ask yams about the incident at the beginning of practice since he was right in the middle of it - "yamaguchi, did your little group ever decide who had the best wrapped?" you ask to prompt him to talk about it - he suddenly gets nervous, but you don't think much of it, tadashi's always nervous - he just tells you that they couldn't come to a conclusion and you don't press him any further, seeing his discomfort. so the two of you just wait for tsukkishima - before the tall boy can join you though, Yamaguchi joins the group of boys just leaving the gym to hang out at the coach's store. its weird, yams never ditches you - when the middle blocker does come out he talks even less than usual. normally he'd at least say hi and entertain some kind of small conversation before pulling his headphones over his ears but today he's already got them on and gives you a nod in greeting - with this you're kind of sad, you just love talking to your boys on the walk home after a long day, you decide just to tune in to your own music for the way home since clearly, no one wants to talk to you - and tsukki notices, of course tsukki notices - he sees what playlist you tune into and slyly pulls it up on his own phone so he can listen along - he definitely listens to a lot more sappy love songs than he used to, he definitely wouldn't listen along if he wasn't picturing you every time - he's never been so close to you though while listening along and it makes him feel like such a lovesick puppy - as one love song fades into another he can't stand the distance between you. walking right next to each other but still an arms-length too far apart - he begins to softly hum along with the new song playing, looking up at the sunset clouds with his hands in his pockets - you start to hear a tone in the song you've never noticed before in all the times you've listened to it - you take your earbud out of your ear and look at tsukki and find him humming, looking at the clouds like he's lost in the song like he's dreaming - he looks so calm, so gentle - you begin to hum along - he notices but he's too nervous to look back at you, still clinging to his composure. he knows that if he looked into your eyes now, there's no way he could hold back all the love he has for you from coming out of his mouth in an awkward confession - so he keeps humming along, looking at the clouds - you keep humming too, looking at him - but you reach your hand out to take his out of his pocket - he still doesn't look but he lets you lock your fingers around his and stroke his thumb with yours - as the last lines of the song come, you sing them out loud, wanting to convey how you feel - wanting to let him know that every time you listened to this song, he was the one you thought of - he finally looks at you once the song is over and on instinct you assume he'll be annoyed and ready an apology and excuse in your mind - but when you see his face, his eyes are wet with growing tears - you stop your walking and put your hand that isn't holding his on his face, your brows contort with your face into a worried expression. you squeeze his hand as you realise you'd do anything to see that calm expression again that he was wearing just a minute ago - "tsukki- tsukki whats wrong" - upon seeing you focussed on him, being so close, the feel of your hands. he can't hold it in anymore - he gently chokes out something between a laugh and a sob with a slowly growing smile - he puts his free hand over yours that is holding his face and finally confesses "i just love you. i just love you so much" - the next moment he wishes he could have captured your face on camera as it morphs from concern to match his, smiling and teary eyed - though it would be a disservice to you to compare your smile to his - it takes you a moment to find the words but you tell him "i love you too" - the words don't feel like enough, you love him, you've loved him for so long and its crashing over your heart like a wave now. every time he insulted your intelligence but still helped you study as soon as you asked, everytime he remembered all the little details like your favorite things to get from the sakanoshita store - and now looking at him there was such tension, both of you had so much to say but no words - so you kissed him under the golden sky and hoped that it would make up for the words lost in the haze of love over your mind - and he kissed back, hoping to make up for all the words he should've said sooner

#tsukkishima x reader #tsukishima kei #tsukki x you #tsuki fluff #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu headcanons

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 168 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: cutting the Kolkwitzia amabilis in my garden.

Ah yes, another ambiguous... thing. Roots, routes.

I feel like Martin dancing around at the beginning here, asking Jon if he‘ll gonna be okay on his own is already because he‘s jealous and he wants to bring this situation in a certain direction. It sounds like they have already talked about crossing Oliver‘s domain cause Martin knew it’s his.

MARTIN: "So, are you gonna smite him, then?" Hehe, Martin showing his petty side xD The topic is serious, but it's still funny to hear that conversation xD

MARTIN: "I know what I said, and I don’t – (sigh) I don’t know, Martin. I just – I don’t think he’s – (sigh) I don’t know; I don’t think he’s evil." Yeah, that’s also what I thought. He seems neutral? I mean he even tried to save people at first. It was a bit more unfortunate for that boat crew that they were caught up in his little breakdown… Actually how does Oliver feed the End? Is it just those little gestures like looking all sad at Jane or asking the statement giver of MAG 42 what she‘s listening?

MARTIN: (really?) "Oh, yeah, sure; he’s probably a really kind, benevolent ruler of a hellish fear prison." Martin still couldn't wrap his head around the concept of watcher and watched. He is just as much a watcher as Oliver is. Jon is a watcher, that at least he knows, I think, and he doesn't see him as evil.

Ahhh, this scene is so perfect! It's well written and funny and the acting is on point!

That little laugh when Martin is finally out of earshot xD Like „I can’t believe we actually had that conversation r.ight now”

"I have no power to stop it, and even if I did, I would not do so. For to rob a soul of death is as torturous as its inevitable coming." There’s a reason the trope of not being able to die/a fate worse than death is called And I Must Scream.

Is this statement a comment on the rise of self-diagnosing because of the Internet? There have been Hypochondriacs have been around pre-internet, so I'm not so sure about this.

"She may see Maria lying in her hospital bed, monitors crowding her as the doctors struggle to get an IV into her wildly convulsing arm. She might have a flash of Bobby, fingers tightening around the rungs of the ladder as the rusted nails give way. She often sees Dennis’s face as the knife slips eagerly between his ribs, even though he doesn’t die for hours afterwards." Jon‘s mum (surgery complication), Jon‘s dad (fell of a ladder) and Jon himself. This says that Dennis didn’t die for hours, so there’s still a chance for Jon to be saved when they‘ll arrive somewhere else!

"a) When Danika Gelsthorpe reaches the end of her Corpse Route, she will die. This new world of fear reviles death as a release, but the Coming End cannot exist without its reality. It is not a being of dangled promises and shifting torments. The certainty of death waits for all who travel the Corpse Routes, and that certainty will be delivered on, without hesitation or consideration of any other factors." That does very much make sense, otherwise it would lose the one thing the End is about.

"b) This place is a limit on the fear that can be generated from them, as their pool is necessarily finite and ultimately, however slowly, it will be exhausted. To be offset, this consideration will require the acquisition of victims from other domains as replacements, potentially inciting… bad feeling between those domains." When they run out of people, they will get them from somewhere else. Wonder what that "bad feeling between those domains" was meant to be telling us. That watchers would start wars against the End?

"c) A metaphysical quirk of this new reality’s divorce from the traditional concept of time, and – one for which I have no further explanation, means that I do not believe new humans are being created or born." This does make sense in the way of their bodies stopping metabolism. They don't need to eat, they don't need to drink, they don't need to sleep. They are frozen in time. Probably also won't age. And without aging no new life can come into being. (I also headcanon hair stopping to grow, fingernails etc.) But what about domains that feed on the fear of pregnancy or childbirth, bringing up a child? Well, we learn in MAG 178 that the Fears can create artificial people, decoys, NPCs for the sole purpose of making the real ones more afraid. I guess it would be like that.

"d) When this happens, the Great Powers themselves will also fade and die, withering away into nothingness and releasing this reality from their grip." If they need to feed on fear to survive, they will starve. Absolutely makes sense. That's also very similar to the stop-feeling-fear strategy because of which we heard a bunch of people escape their situation. There's just nothing that keeps them going.

"I… do not know how I feel about this." I love Oliver Banks. He's my favourite Avatar side-character!

"Perhaps once it might have horrified me, or given me some sense of pursuing the ultimate release of the world that you have damned." Okay, not cool, Oliver. It was Jonah Magnus who did this.

JON: "The Avatar of Death shall live. (heavy inhale) Martin’s going to be thrilled." It's so poetic, I can't imagine why Martin dislike this.

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #mag 168 #tma #tma spoilers

[cntrspll]

this is a love letter to my own fic

hi hello hey, this is an essay about my own fic and the feelings i have about it. fic can be found here.

i am going to try so hard to keep this organized but i don’t know how well that will work soooo let’s go!

on the fic overall:

i just... like magnus. i think he is a fan fave for a reason, but i think there’s a lot of missing discussion of his post-canon situation and the development thereafter. when i finished listening to balance for the first time (in february-ish this year, i think?), i remember being super frustrated with where parts of the fandom had landed their focus. this isn’t an uncommon fandom thing, and i totally get where it comes from. some characters are just super relatable and a lot of fun to write about and have like absolute piles of stuff to unpack, so it’s totally fair that some characters get more focus than others, but where i felt that some of my faves got a lot of fandom focus, others... didn’t.

so this fic was in part an attempt to rectify that, because i wasn’t finding the unpacking of magnus and his emotional / mental state that i wanted. that being said, there are a couple fics that i did draw a little bit of inspiration from, the biggest probably being patterns of migration by goodnicepeople. the depiction of magnus as this big strong dude who also has these quiet vulnerabilities that he doesn’t like admitting to people is like, in part just really accurate to canon, but also something that i really wanted to see explored more, and i didn’t find a whole lot of other fics that fit that, so in part i just wanted to set out to put a little more into that.

also, like, i work in food service, and we are in a pandemic, and i moved in the middle of this year and i started hrt this year and have been dealing with the fallout of coming out and just kind of everything, and this fic was a really good way of just like, distracting myself from everything and sitting down for a little every day and thinking about something else and not so much about everything that was happening around me. so there is a good part of this fic that is just like, me coping with everything and trying to reorient myself a little. and it worked pretty well for that!

on process:

ok first things first, this was never meant to be 133k long. when i first sat down to write this, it was going to be a handful of snapshots set across [undetermined amount of time here] of magnus dealing with isolation and insomnia, and it was only meant to be like, maybe a 20k oneshot? that obviously did not happen. i think my original estimate once i accepted that this was gonna be multichaptered was like 60-70k, but then the chapters started getting longer with each one i finished, and then i wanted to add in an interlude, and then i decided i needed an epilogue, and here we are.

i’ll talk about this in other sections too, but as i wrote, i just kept finding more and more things that i wanted to talk about. i was also in the process of relistening to balance i was writing, and i kept running into little things that happened over the course of the show that i was like... oh shit! and that would inspire another scene or an interaction i wanted to write or something i wanted to focus more on, and the whole thing just kept getting more and more and bigger and bigger.

i’ve said it like 50 thousand times now, but i have never written anything this long before. i tried really hard to be regimented about the way i did it, because from the beginning i knew this was going to be an emotional journey for me to write, but i knew that if i let it slide for a week or so then i would never finish it. so to get through it, i wrote almost every day for a minimum of an hour. the process that i’ve found works best for me when i’m writing is using word sprints, putting on some music, and then forcing myself to tune out of social media and everything else for 25 minutes. i try to do between 750-1k words in that time period, then the site gives you a five minute break, during which i usually check twitter or fact check if i need to, and then i go back in and do another sprint. this works really well for me because i wasn’t trying to hit a specific word goal in any given day, just like... trying to sit down and write. i also tried not to guilt myself too much if i missed a day, or if i only did one sprint instead of two, or anything like that, and that’s kind of what helped me get through the whole monster without instantly dropping it as soon as i had another idea.

on mental health and recovery:

so one of my big personal pet peeves in fiction is the idea that trauma recovery is like, a one time single event deal. like, someone has this big horrible thing happen to them or they have some pressing mental health issue and then someone else walks in and they have one conversation and bam, everything is fine. i was exposed to a lot of [fan]fiction when i was younger that kind of supported this kind of narrative, and i get that there is a certain sort of wish fulfillment thing to that, but it also sucks, being an adult and having Problems(TM) and knowing that it absolutely does not work like that.

so when i set out to write a fic about trauma and mental illness and recovery, i felt kind of a responsibility to not fall into that trap and write it like, okay and then magnus and taako talk about it and taako’s like hey dude you’re depressed but it’s okay and then magnus doesn’t have nightmares anymore. also, because this is taz and the canon of like, historical accuracy is complete bullshit, i can put therapists and psychiatry and psychiatric medications in my fic and no one can tell me i’m wrong and it doesn’t exist. elevators exist, so i can make ssris and anti anxiety pills exist.

but also, magnus as a character is not going to jump into that right away. it is canon fact that he doesn’t like accepting or asking for help with stuff like this, and yes there are a couple big moments where he does, but like i bring up a couple times in the fic, mental health struggles are a big jump from like, a physical fight using swords and axes and shit. and this i think is really accurate to a lot of people’s struggles with mental illness, just taking that first step and admitting that you don’t feel okay, and that you need someone’s help to deal with it. that’s super super scary even to admit to like, your closest friends.

so that’s why magnus kind of shies away a number of times from some of the conversations that people try to start with him about mental health. taako and carey and lucretia and pretty much everyone else approach him at some point about opening up about this stuff, but he pulls away because admitting that kind of vulnerability to someone else is super scary, even if you’ve maybe admitted it to yourself already.

i also wanted to make sure that at the end of the fic, he wasn’t magically better. this is something else that i think people kind of forget, like... trauma and the problems that it causes don’t go away just because of therapy and medication. those things help, they help you reform the ways you think about yourself and about the world, but they don’t change the struggles you’ve been through or the sometimes biological problems that are causing whatever issue you’re having. and i remember reading a lot of fic when i was a kid where someone would be depressed, and then they’d fall in love and get magic dick or something and then they’d never be sad again, which... isn’t great.

but at the same time, i didn’t want it to end on this note like, oh everything is still bad even though he worked so hard to open up and get help, because that sucks, too. so it was really important to me that the fic end on a hopeful note, like, magnus isn’t cured. he still has bad days and bad weeks and sometimes he is just as low as he was before, but he also has like, normal days, which is something that i think you kind of forget can even exist when you’re depressed, or when you’re dealing with any mental illness. but like, i really wanted it to be obvious that things did get better and even if he’s still coping with it and it’s not going away, he’s okay. he’s gonna be all right.

on an unreliable narrator:

this kind of plays into some of the mental health stuff, but one thing that i love about taz that i really wanted to play into with this fic is the idea of limited perspective. griffin does some really cool fucking things with this, specifically in relation to the ipre and the big reveal in the last lunar interlude, with the idea of like... a character can only know the things that they know. like, magnus knows that there is a picture of him depicted as a red robe, and barry knows that they’re all red robes, and taako knows that they found the umbra staff next to a red robed skeleton and that the umbrella spelled out lup at one point, but none of them necessarily know all the things that the other person knew, and none of them know all the things that lucretia knows or that fisher knows or junior knows, etc etc.

unfortunately, just because the pace of the story picks up so much in that last lunar interlude, there isn’t a whole lot of space to explore that like, disconnect between all these facts that they each have as individuals. and given the perspective of mental health and the way that plays into your perceptions of yourself and your perceptions of other people’s perceptions, i really wanted to delve into like… magnus’s misunderstandings.

this is not a strictly straightforward unreliable narrator situation, but i did bring in some elements of that. i really wanted to explore the disconnect between how magnus sees and how everyone else sees him and his issues. there are also a couple moments where he flat out completely misinterprets their intentions, which unfortunately i didn’t delve into as much as i wanted to so they ended up mostly being fun easter eggs for, uh… me? i guess?

one of those moments is the scene in ch 4 where barry and magnus are sitting in the kitchen and barry starts to ask magnus something. magnus assumes it’s going to be about his mental health, and that this is barry stepping up as representative for everyone else to talk to him about it, but it’s really meant to be a precursor to their conversation in ch 6 where they talk about barry and lup and marriage and proposals.

magnus gets a little perspective on this later, i think in ch 7(?) where he’s thinking about how maybe their lives don’t completely revolve around him and he’s missing some of their perspective. but like, they all have their own shit going on, and they all love him and they’re worried about him, but also, barry is thinking about lup. lup is thinking about taako. taako is thinking about lucretia. lucretia is thinking about davenport, and davenport is thinking about his own issues, and so on and so on and they’re not all just like… waiting to pounce on magnus the second he shows weakness.

a lot of that plays into the hypervigilance of ptsd, too. magnus is very aware of any perceived threat, and he sometimes treats the people around him as threats, when all they’re doing in reality is thinking like, man i wish he didn’t live out here by himself all the time.

on a more meta note, i also have a tendency to make every character i write just like, a super good judge of character. i don’t think magnus is that, and i really wanted to lean into that. magnus does not read intention super well, even when that intention is genuinely good.

on the ipre and their relationships:

so i… really don’t write gen fic a lot. even when i do, it is almost always tinged with a little bit of background shipping, and there is some of that in this, but whereas in most fandoms i end up being a multishipper, for some reason with taz i’ve ended up pretty much only caring about the canon ships (sorry…). that being said, the platonic relationships in taz (and especially in balance) are some of the most compelling and important fictional relationships that i’ve ever encountered. like, they are just really well fucking done.

this being the magnus love letter that it is, i really wanted to focus on magnus’s distinct relationships with every member of the ipre crew. i don’t know how obvious this is in the actual narrative, but with the exception of the interlude and the epilogue, the story is broken down into one chapter for each member of the starblaster crew (in order, magnus, taako, merle, davenport, barry, lucretia, lup). i did this specifically because it was really important to me that i dive into all of them and their particular issues. i didn’t quite get the deep dive with merle or davenport that i would’ve liked to, but hopefully in the future i’ll get more time to explore that.

anyway, in case it isn’t obvious, lup is probably my favorite fictional character literally ever in any media created by anyone in the history of time. i say this only because a lot of this fic was set up to build to the conversation between her and magnus in ch 8 out on the mountain where he finally opens up for the first time. there are some really incredible unexplored parallels and relationships in taz (unexplored mainly because like, where would it even fit in canon), and while some of them are super self indulgent (ie, lup and mags, barry and mags), i really really really wanted to dig into those a little more. things like the conversation where taako is talking about everyone brushing over his trauma to rush to forgive lucretia, or lucretia talking about trying to learn to love writing again and recognize happy moments, davenport almost admitting that he’s not completely sure about stepping back into the family in his former role… i could write an entire fic on any of these, really.

but ultimately, this being a magnus fic, i tried to filter those conversations through a perspective of two things: first, how does this affect magnus and his mental health journey, and second, what can magnus do to help this. those scenes where magnus is trying to help someone with something and they’re like, backhandedly helping him are some of my favorite interactions in the fic.

the other thing i really really really wanted to explore that i never see enough of in fic is magnus and carey’s relationship. carey is canonically magnus’s best friend, and yet in fic i feel like she gets pushed to the side a little in favor of the starblaster crew. which i get, they’ve got a hundred and ten years of shared trauma, but also, travis flat out states that carey is magnus’s best friend, so… i mean, there is also a little bit of self indulgence here, because i am also a man who is exclusively best friends with lesbians, but you know.

that being said, i really wanted to emphasize that relationship in particular, which is why carey doesn’t have her own dedicated chapter and instead kind of slides in and out of each one and slowly helps magnus along the way. her personality i also feel is like, the exact kind of thing that magnus needs to push him into accepting / asking for help and moving towards recovery.

on real life parallels:

ok, i swear to god i did not intend to make this a holiday fic posted during the holidays. i started writing this in june, and again, it was only meant to be like 20k and not necessarily entirely set during candlenights. that kind of happened, anyway? candlenights just seemed like the best vessel to get all these characters whose post-canon situations i wanted to explore into the same room, and i finished the first draft around mid october and i wanted to give myself plenty of time for editing, so it honestly just ended up coincidentally aligning with the holidays. go figure.

that being said, isolation ended up featuring pretty heavily in this fic. that i think is to be expected to a certain degree given the nature of mental health and recovery and blah blah blah, but i probably unintentionally ended up leaning into it a little more because like… this year. and the holidays tend to be a time that a lot of us feel really isolated, and this year especially, but one of the big things for me this year is that like, all of my friends live out of state. the closest one to me is still a good 2-3 hour plane ride, which i am absolutely not risking. i had like a hundred plans to go see people and do things this year, and those obviously got cancelled.

probably the biggest one of those things was seeing a friend who i have kind of started a new years tradition of seeing, but we ended up calling that off out of safety considerations, of course. and it sucks! it’s not fun! i also moved out this year and i have my own place and in june i was really hoping that things would be okay by now and i could have all my friends come in from out of town for new years and that didn’t happen. and i wasn’t intending for this fic to be a kind of wish fulfillment of like, here’s my new place post-[saving the universe / coming out and becoming a real person], let me show my found family around my hometown and let’s make new holiday traditions together now that we’re no longer [fighting the apocalypse / literal children] and everything will be fun and happy and good, but that is kind of what happened anyway. [insert joke here that goes like “do you project your real world problems and mental health issues onto fictional characters or are you normal?”]

but yeah, magnus’s mental health struggles did kind of accidentally become a little bit of a pandemic / quarantine life parallel. i did not mean for that to happen, but it did help me tease out a little bit of what it is that i feel like i’m missing and what i want in the future when things are better, and i hope it helped some other people figure that stuff out too, maybe?

and in conclusion:

i said this a little bit in the final notes in the fic, but i am so so so grateful and emotional over the comments i’ve gotten from some of you. i’ve said it already, but this was such an emotional rollercoaster for me to write. i put a decent amount of my own mental health issues into the stuff i wrote into magnus, and it was genuinely therapeutic and like… super helpful and important. it was also a big struggle, and there were some scenes i came out of feeling incredibly drained and like i needed to not write for a week.

so that being said, those of you who have commented things about how this fic helped you deal with your own emotional turmoil or helped put something in perspective for you, i am genuinely so happy to hear that i’ve impacted you in that way like, at all. that is so incredible to me, and not necessarily what i set out to do, but it means so much to hear someone say that and also to know that someone felt comfortable sharing that with a stranger on the internet. thank you so so so much.

again, this fic means so much to me. the fact that it’s impacted even a handful of people in that way is absolutely amazing. some of the things you guys have said have had me seriously choked up. i am so glad that anyone even took the time to read all 133k of this, let alone that it affected people like that.

i don’t know if i’ll be writing more about magnus in this universe. i would love to! but i’m also super happy with where i’ve left his story. i have plans to explore the calen thing in the future, but only kind of tangentially in a side mention and not fully, so who knows? there is more though, a lot with taako and kravitz and lup and barry and hopefully one day i will find the motivation somewhere in me to flesh out everyone else’s situations a little more, too. who knows!

anyway, i just want to say thanks again to everyone for reading, and even more so if you are reading this dumb essay. you’re super cool.

#txt #fic talk

[youareboththebestbestfriend]

This is LONG, I’m sorry. I have a theory about how Hoax & the 1 are linked. So I relistened to Hoax with lyrics ready, because I’ve heard it before but didn’t really LISTEN. I did now and I feel like, what ended Kaylor, is that Karlie did betray/deceive her with the Scooby thing. Or maybe she didn’t sell her out, but she didn’t STOP working with him, she didn’t end a contract. In a way, she choose HIS side. I feel that’s what Hoax is about (see lyrics below). I feel like the 1 is actually coming to terms with losing the person Taylor thought was the one. I think Hoax was written before the 1. I like that the ending track is host, because when you replay the album, it continues the story by saying she’s trying to feel better about it. So here it goes… (hehe)

HOAX

My only one // refers back to “the 1” (see below)My smoking gun // I think Taylor “killed” the relationship

My eclipsed sun // Karlie being the sun, but eclipsed, meaning in the shadows/not visible

This has broken me down // She’s hurt by her decision to end it

My twisted knife // Call it what you want reference or maybe TIWWCHNT or LWYMMD about backstabbing

Stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason" // For Karlie betraying her/SB drama

Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in // faithless (disloyal) love’s the only hoax (deception)

Don't want no other shade of blue but you // Never seen that shade of blue (Karlie Konfirmed)

No other sadness in the world would do // She’d take her back (I think, this is also a theme in more songs on folklore)

My best laid plan // Plan of coming out or going public together?

Your sleight of hand // skilful deception, she really didn’t see it coming

My barren land, I am ash from your fire // swaying as the room burned down (DWOHT reference)

You know I left a part of me back in New York // She moved to NYC (for her)

You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for // all my heroes die all alone (the Archer, where she asked “would you stay?”)

You knew it still hurts underneath my scars // (see below the 1)

From when they pulled me apart // Scooby Braun drama

You knew the password, so I let you in the door // I don’t like your kingdom keys, they once belonged to me (LWYMMD reference)

But what you did was just as dark // Dark side, I look for your dark side (the Archer)

Darling, this was just as hard as when they pulled me apart // SB drama obviously hurt but the fact that Karlie wasn’t on her side was just as hard

My only one, my kingdom come undone // KOMH reference??

My broken drum, you have beaten my heart // Didn’t she use drums in KOMH at rep tour as well??

THE 1

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit // Better than when writing Hoax Been saying "Yes" instead of "No" // Seems like she avoided meeting with people/being depressed and finding her way back to normal life I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though // I forgot which song where she talks about them/her seeing someone/her ghost?  I hit the ground running each night, I hit the Sunday matinee // both distractions to feel better You know the greatest films of all time were never made // ‘cause cruelty wins in the movies (the Archer) I guess you never know, never know // she didn’t expect deception, see Hoax And if you wanted me, you really should've showed // showed Taylor that she was on HER side not SB And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow // she talks about herself, bleeding refers back to Hoax, how much that hurt (scars/beaten heart) And it's alright now // she’s doing better But we were something, don't you think so? // this seems like looking back on good memories And if my wishes came true it would've been you // pretty clear she wished Karlie would have been the 1, also refers back to some songs on Lover (including title track) In my defense, I have none // she has NO ONE, pretty clear bearding/Joe breakup For never leaving well enough alone // I never leave well enough alone (ME! Reference) Having adventures on your own // I think she wants Karlie to choose for herself, “my ride or die” reference You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home // I feel this refers to “stalk you on the internet” in gorgeous. Maybe Karlie was the one stalking her and taking HER home? I feel like she’s telling Karlie it’s OK to have adventures on your own and then let history repeat itself but making the ending different? We never painted by the numbers, baby // we were different, not following rules a.k.a. sounds like not following heteronormative standards You know the greatest loves of all time are over now // I don’t actually know this reference, it does give me the Archer vibes (would you stay?) I guess you never know, never know // this reminds me again of the archer, wishing you knew if someone would stay, I guess you never know if someone betrays you If one thing had been different would everything be different today? // pretty sure this is about if one of them was a man, their love wouldn’t have had faced many problems they had today – problems that may have broken them up For digging up the grave another time // I think this is referring back to Hoax, where she did dig up the grave, this is why I think Hoax was written before the 1  

Other lyrics I think may relate to this theory:

Cardigan (Karligan) But I knew you, dancing in your Levi's drunk under a streetlight // Karlie was a Levi’s model and the drunk under a streetlight gives me YAIL vibes To kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed, You drew stars around my scars, but now I'm bleeding // Cornelia street/Delicate vibes and Dress “put your mark on me, a golden tattoo”, the now I’m bleeding refers back to Hoax/the 1 'Cause I knew you, stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain, I knew you, tried to change the ending // she knew Karlie and hadn’t seen deception/Hoax coming and tried to save their relationship but Karlie didn’t show (Hoax) as in; stop hanging/working with SB It does feel like in the end of Cardigan they made up? Taylor did talk in Hoax about how she’d want no other sadness than that love. Basically all of Exile screams break-up, not specifically related to the hurt/deception in Hoax (explicitly). Except maybe the “you never gave me a warning sign/I didn’t see the signs” about betrayal. It does give me big KOMH vibes with the whole, “you’re not my homeland/crown anymore”. It also references bearding (you laugh but the joke’s not funny reminds me of how miserable Karlie always looks when she’s out with Josh). When I hear the song I think of Taylor as the Man singing, and Taylor singing Karlie’s POV.. My tears ricochet does reference quite a few things. We gather here, we line up weeping in a sunlit room And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too// she mentions the fire and ashes in Hoax. I feel like this is when they decided to have a talk, and the possible break-up.  Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me? // this breaks my heart, basically same as “screaming Give me reason” in Hoax Because I loved you, I swear I loved you till my dying day // Lover and CIWYW vibes  I didn't have it in myself to go with grace // Don’t blame me reference? Or maybe she wanted to like, break up with Karlie and not be sad but strong and she couldn’t be strong? And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? // Feeling like Karlie still checks up on Taylor with their shared friends maybe? Or uses her for clout. Cursing my name, wishing I stayed, look at how my tears ricochet // I’m confused at this part  We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean, some to throw, some to make a diamond ring // Josh/Karlie marriage? You know I didn't want to have to haunt you, but what a ghostly scene you wear the same jewels that I gave you as you bury me // I feel like the haunting relates to releasing folklore which she drags Karlie with her basically. The jewel reference is pretty obvious, I guess. 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave // the times before they went through negativity together (kimye drama? Kissgate?) And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home // Cornelia street vibes when Taylor left her own home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood but you would still miss me in your bones // I don’t know what this means but it hurts And I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky // at the sun, perhaps? And when you can't sleep at night you hear my stolen lullabies // this relates to a song about her ghost following the other person? I cannot remember what song And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves, you had to kill me, but it killed you just the same // I think this is a reference to Karlie not wanting to break up (wishing I stayed), so by choosing SB’s side, she killed Taylor and therefore their relationship/herself You turned into your worst fears, and you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain, crossing out the good years // I feel like this could be both of the girl’s POV. The fears remind me of the archer and DWOHT. Crossing out the good years because it hurts. The good years where Karlie did stay by her side. I feel like mirrorball is before that. It’s positive, shining just for you like the sun/Karlie shines for her. I’m still a believer, I feel like they have had their fights but she’s still a believer everything will be okay? I think this is written before Hoax? Seven is unrelated but gay AF, I mean “hiding in the closet” and “I still love you” about a girl with braided patterns. August is about their affairs/love even though Karlie was never hers, but unrelated to the Hoax/the 1 theory I think. It’s more like a good looking back but being sad? Okay so there’s a LOT in this is me trying. I feel like it’s Afterglow 2.0. She knows she crewed up, this is her trying to make up. Then there’s the I tried pin. I feel like this part might be about a different time in their relationship? I don’t think it references SB drama and deception. I feel like it’s also HYGTG 2.0? Maybe if Afterglow and HYGTG had a child, haha. I think illicit affairs is Delicate 2.0 and about their sneaking around. I don’t think it’s related to Hoax. It’s very gay tho, “You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else and you know damn well for you I would ruin myself ...a million little times”. This also makes me feel like Taylor was ready to come out (together) but Karlie wasn’t. I feel like we always thought it was the other way around? I feel like invisible strings is about clues that when you start to identify as queer you look back and you’re like “it makes so much sense”. The three-year trip down to the lakes reminds me of big-sur but I don’t understand that timeline. That was in 2014? That’d mean they’d been together since 2011? But I think they met/started seeing each other after VSFS 2013? Or maybe it’s not about Karlie, however the dive bar and gold have BIGASS delicate music video vibes. Like, the golden paper brought her to that dive bar in the video. So Delicate/invisible string are probably related. While mad woman might reference some things in Hoax, I don’t think it’s about that. I feel like it’s kimye or Scooby. I don’t think Karlie was poking a bear. I think she made a mistake that cost them their relationship, but not that she did it on purpose. The cursing my name, wishing I’d come back makes me feel like Karlie regrets it as well. I feel like epiphany is about her mom or maybe even COVID? Not related to Kaylor? I do think Betty is about Karlie ElizaBETTY Kloss, but I think the mistakes she refers to are more like the problems they may have in Afterglow/this is me trying. Fights, but not the one that ended it all. Peace screams The Archer to me and with that anxiety. Would it be enough if I could never give you peace//who will stay? Also DWOHT, about her fears. “I’d give you my sunshine” actually makes me feel like this is Karlie’s POV. I’m having an epiphany, what if it is Karlie’s POV looking at the sunshine line. That would make sense about “I see your brother as my brother” from Karlie’s POV because Taylor actually has a brother! Maybe this song is Karlie’s POV, because she can’t leave Josh? So she can never give Taylor peace? I don’t know, could be either POV! Not related to Hoax though.

Conclusion:

I think Hoax is about Karlie choosing SB side, whether she sold Taylor out, didn’t tell her about that deal and knowing, or not stopping working with him AFTER the SB drama. I feel like, in Lover Taylor was still optimistic about their relationship. Lover, Cornelia street and Daylight being the biggest clues. She was going to name the album Daylight (literally a synonym for sunshine “Karlie”). She changed it to Lover, which makes me think Karlie = Lover. I think they did probably have fights problems, I mean even DWOHT in reputation etc and Afterglow in Lover. I think some songs of folklore are also about those fights (Exile, this is me trying, Betty and Peace), but I think Hoax is about Karlie betraying her and Taylor breaking it off. I feel like the 1 is one of the last songs written (maybe with Cardigan), where she’s doing a little better? I feel like the break-up was quite recent, the SB drama happened in June 2019 I think?? Lover was already produced then, even if they may have broken it off at that time. I’m the biggest Kaylor and this album hurts AF. But there’s so many Kaylor references, I hope both of them get closure. I really thought they’d make it, but I guess you never know... Kookies for the ones still reading. Reply me with your theories/additions. :)

#kaylor #gaylor swift #taylor swift #hoax #the 1 #masterpost analysis #folkaylore #let me know your thoughts #sorry this is so long #woopsie

[ghostbustermelanieking]

some scattered thoughts on the end of mag 146:

generally hard to listen to episode, considering i'm right at the sequence of episodes that really showed me the first time how much tma is NOT found family (hey, there's always the last 11 episodes, right?)

i think it's interesting to consider how differently i responded to this plotline the second time around -- during the first, i was a lot less sympathetic to jon. this relisten leaves me a LOT more sympathetic towards jon in general (it helps to have a full perspective of what's going on), but if there's ever a time when i don't feel very sympathetic, it's this arc

there's a lot of interesting things that could be delved into during this arc, including the lack of black and white reasoning here, and the strength of a show wherein even the protagonist fucks up and does fucked up things, but i am not very good at making that commentary unfortunately. i get way too protective of jon to say many intelligent things about this arc. i sad.

i DO think this arc highlights what a horrible, horrible place everyone is in during season 4. i keep going back to 141, where jon extracts a statement and basira says that she thought jon cared about the cost of things. and he does, is the thing -- even if season 5 and jon's clear attempts to do the right thing weren't in the picture, you can see it during his exchange with helen in 146, with how upset he seems over marcus mckenzie. it's obvious that the live statement taking comes from both a need for survival, and the absolute shit place he's in at the time. it absolutely doesn't excuse it, but it does make it make a lot more sense

(that being said, sometimes jon does fucked up monstrous things and it isn't black and white etc etc)

the intervention just. generally bums me out. like everyone's reactions are understandable but maybe not entirely justified?? especially the dismissal of comparisons to daisy but. just generally leave this scene wishing that these bunch of traumatized people who have all been a) manipulated and/or overtaken by darker forces (hunt, slaughter, eye, etc) and b) have done some fucked up things (a ranging scale but still) could try to understand and help each other instead of consistently pushing each other away and arguing. i know that tma is not a found family story, but it still sucks (in my mind) that all these people who are largely in the same boat have so much trouble finding common ground

there's an interesting through line in season 4 of characters being taken over by powers, or dealing with previously being taken over by powers, and someone insisting that it isn't them only for them to say that it is. (melanie with the hunt, daisy with the hunt, martin with the lonely, jon with the eye, etc.) it creates some really interesting musings on how this all works -- how much did they choose it, how much were they manipulated in, how much was an accident or them just doing what they thought was best, and how much can they be blamed for their actions? there isn't a simple answer. but it's interesting to examine how the arcs end up playing out (melanie and martin break out, daisy doesn't and basira kills her at her request. jon embraces it, because he has to. and we don't know how things will end for him)

Melanie King Did Nothing Wrong

in all seriousness, episode 146, and season 4 in general, have generally got me thinking about melanie's arc, and her actions, and all of it, and interestingly enough (so far), i think she's one of the less culpable tma characters, in terms of having done fucked up things. personally, i think most of her actions are completely reasonable, considering the place she was in and the stress she was under. (particularly the whole surgery while she was asleep thing.) like obviously there is a larger discussion here about how characters should not be reduced to black or white archetypes (sorta see above), and i dont know where her arc in season 5 re: the cult is gonna go, but considering all the other stuff that happens to her? most of the stuff melanie does is 100% valid. (maybe this is only a revelation to me, but i do think it's interesting)

this is nonsensical and rambly and season 4 makes me sad. this fic helps a lot

#im gonna make the jon daisy melanie martin thing its own post i think it deserves that #tma relisten #sorry this is scattered just wanted to get some thoughts down

[mendedserpent]

hello I’m relistening to tma s5 and I finally feel qualified to Share My Opinions™ so here are some of those below the cut!

Admittedly I am skipping a few of the statements just bc they stress me out and I don’t wanna deal w/ that

The episodes of s5 I like the most (170, 162, 161) are the ones that least adhere to the new format of scene-guidebook-scene

Upon relistening, I like the guidebook format even less. Idk, I don’t really connect w/ them and I don’t think they’re as engaging as the statements or as the flashbacks from the first 2 eps.

It feels a bit like a victory lap, or like the writers saying goodbye to all of these fears. This is a valid thing to do in a last season, it’s just not engaging to me, personally.

I think my dislike of the new format has something to do w/ how most of the “statements” don’t really feel like they’re advancing the plot. Some do! But not all. I think that’s why I felt the first two were episode so engaging, bc things were, like, happening All The Time.

It’s too early to make a call on the overall pacing of s5. I’ll have to give it another listen when it’s over.

I can’t discount the current global clusterfuck as a factor in my dislike, though. I definitely have less energy to consume dark, upsetting, non-escapist horror than I did last year.

170 still slaps to high heaven

The pacing of JM’s disagreements feels a bit more natural when bingeing the season

I think that the week in-between eps allowed us to get, like, disproportionately stressed abt their dynamic. It’s much easier to get through 166-173, however, when you know that the partial resolution in 174 is coming.

tma obviously has a lot of problems, and all my issues w/ it and s5 specifically aside I’m still. so so so so so excited to see how it ends. 

I love tragedy and I love being sad and if any of y’all complain abt b*ry your g*ys when this is all over I’m [joke pending]

#sarah.txt #just what everybody needs! MORE tma opinions #anyways. horror media good #/ #// #tma thots #text

[sweet-cool-twins]

Thank you Inazuma Eleven & GO

Hey everyone, I do have an important thing I need to share regarding my absence both back in 2014 and 2019. Mostly 2019 after I uploaded my Raimon Junior High Chapter 4. I know people expect a chapter update on my Raimon Jr High fanfic, I’m sorry to disappoint on that. 

I haven't been feeling mentally well since 2019 cause I realised that it had been 9 years (back in 2019) since I joined IE and those times were the best days of my life. I got to show my creative side, my love for an anime, and made so many friends on FF.net and here. I was basically the happiest those times. Every break in school I had, on the bus ride home, or even resting at home, I would be thinking about new ideas for stories, or writing them in my phone notes, or just reading IE fanfics.

All those were lost when I went into high school (basically college in my country) and had projects with deadlines to complete which took up majority of my time due to my then pre-formed anxiety issue of not hitting deadlines. Then 2019 came and Idk how I came back to IE (i guess I wanted to watch Kusaka x Morimura, not too sure what happened really), I watched the last Galaxy episode and heard Ten Made Todoke! which is the GO first season opening song which is basically a nostalgia song for me, not just my preference, the tune and music itself would bring up some sort of nostalgia to everybody to be honest. And then they bought back Tenma's dribbles which was the skill Tenma showcased in the first GO season (Holy Road) but slowly lost it when he became captain and Chrono Stone season onwards as he matured as a captain.

Then I felt very mad and depressed cause I knew I lost all my creativeness and writer's sense (if that's what you call it?). I used to be able to picture how the characters would act in certain situations, how they speak (which are quite on-point judging by a review or message from a reader who I could not find the username, such a lovely person!), and these would just flow out of me as I sit in front of my laptop and type in docs page back then. The grammar and writing style was very childish and painfully cringy, but I had a lot of fun writing and it gave me a lot of hope and happiness just from reading the 3-5 reviews from readers (Bless u guys for favouriting, following, and reviewing my stories!).

Still, I sort of pushed myself to publish this Raimon Junior High fanfic as I was forcing myself to get back all the skills I had lost before I came back in 2019. Each time I review my drafts, I'm completely stumped and shocked by some of the phrases I'd used, even some of the conversations don't make sense to me anymore (and I know my past self's character's speech patterns are on-point as stated in the previous paragraph). My brain couldn't even think of those phrases and convos when I was writing this fic. So the depression, stress, feelings of loss, all lead me to slowly delay the update of this fic to practically leaving it hanging. It irks me by the way, to leave it like this. I just couldn't take it anymore and I guess the easiest way was to leave it.

Then my younger brother (I don't know if anyone knows this but yes I do have 1 sibling) and his girlfriend were watching Cells at Work! anime on Netflix and the main white blood cell voice actor is the same voice actor for Tsurugi Yuuichi in GO. Hearing him made me recall back the times I searched about the voice actor due to his singing capabilities (his singing was kyaaaaa (long time no type that lol) in the Onaji Yume Wo Miteru Tsurugi brothers character song) and also 'cause IE GO basically blew up many voice actors' fanbase as it was a pretty popular anime in Japan. So I checked back on IE GO again to hear his 2011 voice and sort of hear his improvements as a voice actor. I knew I was going to feel all the sadness and loss again upon hearing the GO first opening again (which it did), worse the Tsurugi brothers arc made me legitimately cry cause I sort of related to Yuuichi in a way better than when I was in middle school.

The feeling of happiness in the past and having to leave it for 6+ years until the present, to then realise you are probably too old to continue persuing the thing which you love back then (because to start to be a professional sports player, you have to be young like before 22 years old young, at least that's what I've heard of.) and the fact that you have to relearn everything which takes pretty much a long damn time, and even more if you want to do so professionally, is gonna eat up the years you have to pursue the job. This thought hit me so hard that I had a mental breakdown. Their character song (as I said I got back to IE GO and started relistening to the character songs which I've never heard in a lonnnnng time for Yuuichi's voice) added this depression even more. The first line by Tsurugi Kyousuke, "We always used to run together, chasing after a ball..." and the image of the two brothers flashed in my mind would break me to pieces as it was a happy moment for Yuuichi and it reminded me of my happy days here, although now he's stuck in the present with a disability similar to me being stuck with my depression and loss writer sense.

Which lead to me typing this long text out. I've reviewed the existing drafts of Raimon Jr High (they weren't automatically removed yet as 1 year hasn't passed since I updated on FF.net) and just felt I should just end this fic in a way with a plot plan at least because I know the me right now probably could not finish this fic. Please kindly read it and imagine the scenes you could possibly think of for the chapters. When I do get better, I want to edit some of the drafts to whichever chapter I am most confident in completing. The fic itself is following the GO season (1-20), then Chrono Stone (21-30), then Galaxy (31-50). I won't do Galaxy (i will explain in detail in the Galaxy Rant portion in a separate post) as I left the fandom during that time and aren't as close to the characters compared to the previous 2 seasons (to say it nicely).

I want to say, thanks if any of you read this till the end. I really appreciate it. It really irks me to leave this (or any) story hanging, yet I want to at least give a reason why, the process of it happening, and the fic plans for each chapter so you guys at least know roughly how Raimon Jr High fanfic would have ended. I'm still trying to find myself and love myself again like back then. Therapy is terribly slow and sometimes I feel better after a therapy, and then I encounter another negative thing in my life and feel all this sadness all over again (especially any past regarding IE). I dearly wish I could go back to the past yet time doesn't allow that and you have to move on. I don't know what to make of the future. I don't know if I will ever get better. I do hope what when I do get better and gain back the creativeness, I would have the time to continue this fic until the Chrono Stone 'season' ends as that was my main motivation for writing this fic. I do wish all of you the best and all the happiness in the world cause we all deserve it, even if you think you're normal or average. Cause I am average and aren't as happy as I was, and I deeply wish I could feel that happiness again. Thank you guys again! Hontou ni arigatou! (Long time no type that too lol)

#Inazuma Eleven #inazuma eleven go #my thoughts