What we were
Summary: After losing Clint, your marriage and family begins to fall apart. Will Natasha be able to go back to what you once were?
A/N: This is going to be four chapters, but most of it is written. It’s a mix of angst, hurt and comfort. Obvious warning, there’s a major character death. Natasha and R have a daughter.
Time was unforgiving.
It had been six months since you lost Clint. Two since you asked Natasha to move out.
Four hours of sleep was the most you could get each night.
Time heals everything, people say.
Then, how come, the more time passed, the worse you felt?
Thoughts like these invade your mind, even when doing the most mundane of tasks. Like now, when you’re waiting for your daughter’s school day to be over. Leaning over your black Mercedes, you wish that your injured leg could be less of a bother and instead of driving, you could walk to pick up Anya and get distracted by the sights of the city.
The school bell rings and the quiet classrooms are full of murmurs, books stored away and steps walking -some rushing eagerly- to the exit.
Impossible to miss, Anya’s red waves are the first thing you spot. Raising a hand, she says goodbye to her friends and walks your way.
“Hi, darling” you sigh against her head.
She’s getting taller and maybe next year she won’t let you hug her. Maybe she’ll even want to take the bus while you anxiously wait for her return home. But now, she’s still a sweet child and she still lets you run your hands through her hair.
“How was Debate Club?” it’s the first thing you ask, because she’d been preparing relentlessly to beat the other team.
“We won, obviously”
“We should celebrate” a voice joins the conversation. You’re so startled that you drop the car keys.
“Mom!” Anya says, wrapping her arms around Natasha.
It makes you happy that she’s not resentful even after everything that happened. That she can love so unconditionally.
She didn’t get that from you.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt” Natasha apologizes, finally looking at you. There’s a weak smile on your face, what else can you do? “I was thinking we could go shopping for that new game you wanted?”
“Can we please, Momma?” Anya turns to you.
“Sure. Have fun. But don’t spoil your appetite. We’re having lasagna”
“Mom, our favorite” Anya nudges the Russian and you look away.
“I’ll have her home by 6” Natasha saves you the embarrassment of being forced to invite her.
“Have fun” you wave goodbye, heart beating fast.
Breaking the speed limit, you rush home. But the tears start running long before you’re parked.
You look at your sad reflection in the rearview mirror.
Natasha looks better than the last time you saw each other.
Maybe all she needed was to be away from you, to be happy again.
--
Two glasses of wine later, you’re curled up on the sofa watching your favorite comfort show and feeling better.
“What’s up, Buck?” you answer at the second ring of your phone.
“Are you ok?”
You look at the half empty glass of wine and decide that no, you’re most definitely not ok.
“Sure, why you ask?”
“I just saw her driving with Anya”
“Mhm” you look at the clock. 5:55 PM. She’s trying to be a responsible parent, at least. “Yeah, she showed up at school today. It’s good that they spent time together”
“Want me to come over?”
“No, I don’t want you two fighting in my front yard. Thanks, though”
“I’ll stop by tomorrow, ok? And if you feel like it, we can go to that Broadway show on Saturday. I got us tickets”
“Thanks, Buck”
“Ok, she’s parking outside now”
“You followed them all the way here?” you jump out of the couch, looking out the window.
“What? I was worried!”
“Sometimes I think it’s not so great that you live a few blocks away, you weirdo”
“But then I bring coffee and scones and you change your mind”
“Yeap”
“See ya, doll”
“Bye, creep”
“Oh, come on!”
You let out a laugh at his protest. Wanda and Yelena have been texting you, so you scroll, smiling at the silly pictures of Fanny or the videos of Tommy and Billy doing their crazy science experiments.
“Hi, Ma” Anya rushes past you. “Gonna change for dinner”
“Mmkay” you nod, texting Bucky to make sure he’s actually back home, and not slashing Natasha’s tires.
“So…”
“Nat, jeez” you drop the phone, not even aware that she is still here. She looks at you across the kitchen island.
Don’t think how sad it is that she looks out of place here, where it used to be home.
Don’t cry in front of her.
Don’t.
“Sorry, I’ll say goodbye and leave”
“Anya, your mom’s leaving” you busy yourself in the kitchen, looking away.
“So soon?” the girl peeks around, pouting. “We haven’t even played the game yet”
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” you give up, unable to say no to your daughter.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m always making extra anyways”
Because you were used to cooking dinner for three.
Anya is happy to set the table, but you sit next to your daughter, leaving Natasha in front of her. You try to stay focused on Anya and school: the debate club, sports activities, a month in Europe for the best students.
“Mom, do you think I can reach out to aunt Carol? I have some Astronomy questions”
Natasha immediately looks at you, but you’re hyper focused on the bottle of wine and pouring the last of it until your glass is filled to the rim.
“Uh, she’s not... I’m not sure where Danvers is, sweetheart. She left Earth a while back”
“Oh, ok” the girl nods, looking at you with a frown. “Mom, what’s wrong? Is your leg hurting? What did Doctor Cho say?”
Crap.
“What’s wrong, det…?” Natasha asks, looking at you. The pet name almost rolled off her tongue.
Everything. Everything is wrong, Natasha.
“That old injury from our outlaw days. Doctor Cho gave me some pain killers. But I don’t think I’ll take them, they make me too sleepy”
“We’ll do the dishes” Natasha jumps in. “Don’t worry about it”
“Thanks”
The dishes are the least of your worries, but it’s still a nice gesture.
Maybe when she’s finally ready to ask you to divorce her, you’ll be able to coparent.
“Here, let me” she asks as you approach with the empty glass of wine. “Did Doctor Cho say anything else?”
You sigh, leaning against the counter, watching as she washes the dishes.
“She said surgery might make the pain go away. Actually, there’s a 90% chance it will work. But Anya’s got school and I’d have to do bed rest for at least five weeks. Maybe during winter break”
“I can take care of her. Drive her to school or cook dinner or…”
“You’re a terrible cook” you remind her. It’s meant to be a joke, but also a way to make her stop.
You don’t want to be a burden for someone who doesn’t want you anymore.
“Wanda could teach me”
“She’s too busy making sure the twins aren’t building a nuclear weapon in the garage”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” she asks, almost afraid of your answer.
“Can you take her to school tomorrow?” you finally say, without providing further details.
The truth is, you’ll probably cry until you fall asleep, because you miss Natasha and this is the first time you’ve seen her in two months.
And it would be better if you could sleep in, make an appointment with your therapist and then find a way to look composed by the time you have to pick your daughter from school.
“Absolutely”
“Thank you”
“You don’t have to thank me, Y/N”
The way she says your name makes you want to scream.
--
Natasha’s long gone, Anya sleeping peacefully back in her room.
You’re looking at the ceiling, tears rolling down your face and soaking your pillow.
You miss her so damn much. You love her so much.
And you also hate her. And you hate yourself for loving her.
There’s a soft knock at your door. You know it’s not Anya because she would have turned on the hallway light.
“Hey, weirdo” you look at Bucky from across the room, smiling sadly. He approaches you and wraps you in his arms. You sob against his chest, feeling like the sadness will last forever.
“I’m sorry”
“It’s ok. Let it all out. I’m here”
You don’t know when you fall asleep.
--
A lot has changed in such a short time, but by now, Anya is used to the sight of her uncle Bucky, rotating between the few breakfast foods he can make without burning everything.
“You read my mind” Anya watches as he makes blueberry pancakes.
“Has no one ever told you it’s rude to sneak up on people?” he mumbles, impressed at how silent she was.
“No, because my moms are spies and so is my uncle and my other aunt and basically half my family”
“Smart ass,” he chuckles. “Come on, eat your food before it gets cold”
“Did mom eat anything yet?” Anya sits on a stool, eating on the kitchen counter.
“Your mom’s asleep” Bucky says. In fact, you cried, had a panic attack, a couple of nightmares, woke up to drink some water and then fell asleep at 4 AM.
Basically, the usual for the past two months.
He’s so caught in his thoughts that he forgets to flip the last pancake. A knock on the front door snaps him back to reality.
“Can you turn off the stove? And pack your bag, we’re leaving in five…” Bucky yells over, opening the door without looking through the peephole first. He’s surprised to find Natasha on the other side “Can I help you?”
“I’m here to pick up my daughter”
“Does Y/N know?” He's holding on to the door so hard that the wood cracks.
“She asked me to drive Anya to school”
“Ok, I’m ready” Anya announces, aware that her mother and uncle aren’t on the best terms. She walks between them to make sure they won’t punch each other. “Bye, uncle, thanks for breakfast”
“Have a good day, sweetheart. See you Saturday”
“Right, for that musical, Beaglejuice”
“Shut up” he chuckles, kissing her forehead. Anya leans forward and hugs him goodbye.
Natasha is silent for most of the ride. Anya is looking out the window, uncertain of her mother’s mood. Maybe not saying anything is safer.
Three blocks away from school and Natasha hears herself blurting out what’s been on her mind this whole time.
“Does Barnes stay over a lot?”
“I guess” Anya mutters, still looking out the window.
“Well, do you know…”
The girl has enough, turning around to face her mother. There’s nothing but resentment in her eyes as she tells Natasha everything.
“Mom cries herself to sleep every night. Ever since you moved out, it's been hard for her to get up in the morning and act normal, let alone cook breakfast. So yeah, uncle Bucky is around all the time, just to make sure she’s at the very least alive. You’d know if you still cared about us”
“Anya…”
“I’ll walk the rest of the way, thanks for the ride” she mumbles, opening the door and rushing away. Natasha is stuck in traffic, so all she can do is watch her daughter from the car.
Just when she was starting to make things right, she fucks up again.
--
“Thanks for breakfast” you say, mouth full of pancakes.
“More like lunch” Bucky corrects.
You nod, reaching for the maple syrup.
“So, why’d you ask Natasha to drive Anya to school?”
“Is that why my door is almost broken in half?”
“I’ll fix it”
“You better” you mumble. He is still staring and you shrug your shoulders. “Just experimenting how co-parenting is gonna be when we officially divorce”
“So, you are asking her to divorce you?”
“She’s gonna ask me. Sooner or later” you keep your head down, playing with your food. You’re not hungry anymore.
“All things considered, the ball is in your court”
“Buck” you plead, dropping the fork.
“I’m just saying” he approaches your side. “You’ll only be able to heal once you know what you both want. But running away won’t help”
“You sound like my therapist”
“But does she cook you breakfast?”
“For what she’s charging me, she should, actually” both of you laugh. And damn it, you know he’s right. “Thank you, for worrying about me. And for taking care of us these past few months. I’m sorry I’m such a mess”
As if on cue, tears start streaming down your face. Bucky hugs you, kissing your head.
“It’s ok”
“I know you hate it when people cry, I’m sorry”
“Yeah, but I hate it a little bit more when you’re the one crying”
--
Luckily for your therapist, you’re all cried out by the time you reach her office. Instead, you discuss how it would be better to approach Natasha, who has always struggled with communication around difficult topics.
“I’m very happy with this session. We’ve made great progress” Doctor Thompson says and you put your fist forward.
“Fist bump” you encourage her.
“I’ll get my license taken away if we ever do this again”
For the first time in months, you leave her office feeling a little bit lighter.
Until you check your phone. 10 missed calls from Natasha.
“Nat?” you answer as she calls again.
“Is Anya with you?”
“I was about to pick her up from school” there’s a pause. “You did drive her to school, right?”
“Of course, I’m not an idiot” she shoots back.
“Well, I’m very confused because she’s only about to end her last class. Why would she be anywhere else, then?” you retort.
“Just meet me back home, ok?” she pleads.
“Fine”
She’s pacing on the sidewalk as you park.
“Care to explain?”
“The school called me an hour ago. She sneaked out after recess”
“Let’s just track her phone”
“It’s off”
“Well, fuck” you run your hand through your hair. “Did she say anything to you this morning? Did she seem upset?”
Natasha looks away, chewing on her bottom lip.
“I asked her if Barnes was staying over often”
“Natasha, for fuck’s sake” you sigh, turning away from her.
Don’t shout. You won’t solve anything by screaming at Natasha.
Your daughter is missing because your wife can’t keep her jealousy to herself. So fuck it.
“If you want to know anything, you ask me, Natasha, do you understand? You don’t go questioning our 13 year old daughter, who, by the way, has been through enough shit lately. I’m trying to protect her and you’re here implying I’m sleeping with the only friend who isn’t tired of me being a mess. Which, for the record, I’m not. And would never. Unlike you, I’m not going around fucking people outside my marriage because I’m having a hard time”
“I don’t know how to get close to you, Y/N. You pushed me out ever since…”
“No! You don’t get to put this on me. I tried for months. I tried everything. And you scoffed and ignored and stood me up. I gave up the moment I found you in bed with Carol”
Your voice breaks at the last part. That memory has been buried for so long; you want it to stay hidden, forever.
It doesn’t matter. You need to find Anya.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling Buck”
“I’m here. I’ll help you find her”
“I’ll find my daughter alone, thank you” you walk past her, waiting impatiently for your friend to pick up.
“She’s my daughter too”
“You sure as hell haven’t acted like her mother in a long time, Natalia”
You walk away, your back turned to her.
“Buck” you say, voice trembling.
“I know. She’s at the Met. Hasn’t left. I’m outside, just in case”
“How did you…?”
“I’m sorry. I was hoping I could convince her to come back before you found out she sneaked out of class”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can”
--
Again, those soft waves of red are the first thing you spot in the room. Her blue eyes are fixed on Degas and his Dance Class.
“Hey, kiddo” you stand next to her, understanding immediately why she’s looking at this painting. “We still have your ballerina shoes somewhere in a box. Your mom loved going to your recitals”
“I’m sorry for leaving school”
“I played hooky a couple of times. It’s part of life. I just want to make sure you’re ok”
“She doesn’t care if you’re able to get up in the morning but gets jealous because someone is taking care of us”
You sigh. Anya has Natasha’s heart, after all. She loves and protects fiercely.
“That’s not exactly true. Come with me” your daughter takes your hand as you leave the museum.
Central Park is still looking beautiful, even as fall approaches. Anya plops down on a bench and you take a seat next to her. A small groan leaves your lips. This damn leg.
“You know your mother was raised to be an assassin. The Red Room taught her that love was a weakness. And that she was incapable of having a family or people that cared about her. Even after all these years, insecurity can get the best of Nat sometimes”
“Why can’t we just… go back to what we used to be?” she mumbles, a tear rolling down her face.
“Oh, sweetheart” you hold her against your chest. “I want nothing more in this world”
“I miss her”
“Me too, Anya”
“It’s like we lost her the day uncle Clint died” she sobs.
“But she’s still here. And she still needs you, my sweet girl. I’m not saying you should forgive her right this second. But don’t build a wall around yourself, please”
“Ok”
“You know I lost my mom when I was 15. And a lot of that time I spent it angry at her for staying with a man that wasn’t good to us. But once she was gone, all I wished was that I had made her life a little easier”
“I’m sorry”
“It’s ok. I’m glad I’m here, to make sure you don’t make the same mistake I did. We’re gonna be alright, I promise”
“I love you”
“Love you too, kiddo” you keep her in your arms for as long as you can, but a light rain begins to fall. “Come on, now. Bucky’s been waiting for us”
“I know. I saw him following me on the bus here”
“My God, I don’t know which one of you is scarier”
Anya giggles, and you take her hand.
Even between all of this mess, she’s the one thing that makes everything worth it.
--
Anya was the one that texted her mother, apologizing and letting her know she was ok.
You didn’t reply to Natasha’s text. “I’m sorry” isn’t enough sometimes.
After pizza and an intense game of Jenga with Anya and Bucky, you call it a night.
You know what you’ll dream of tonight, but you’re too tired to care.
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