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leiawritesstories · 2 years

Note

could you write something for rowaelin for the song "before you go" by lewis capaldi? (p.s. hurt me please)

Hope this hurts, lovely anon ;)

word count: 1212

warnings: ANGST

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“Hey.” Aelin settled down into the rather comfortable armchair, plopping her purse onto the side table. “Sorry I took so long to get here, traffic was awful.” She tapped her foot absently against the beige tile flooring, one hand reaching for Rowan’s larger, tanned one, lacing her fingers with his. “I’ve missed you, my love. My buzzard. Home isn’t the same without you around all the time. Hell, I find myself turning around a thousand times a day thinking I saw you walk in, or heard you swearing from the other room, or felt your touch against my back.” Tears clouded her eyes despite her best efforts to keep her emotions held at bay. “Why, Ro? Why now?”

But the unconscious man in the hospital bed made no response.

She gulped back a sob. “I thought I was trapped in a nightmare when I got the call, you know. There has been an accident, Miss Galathynius. Of course, the damn EMT couldn’t quite pronounce my name, so it sounded like a child trying to make sense of the syllables.” With her free hand, she flicked the rogue tears off her cheek. “I keep replaying the last thing I said before you left that night, Ro. I keep hating myself for them.” She sniffled. “I told you I hated you. I hate you. I hate you. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. God, I’m such an insensitive fucking idiot. I knew what you were going through with Maeve, I knew that you’d been broken down time and time again at that awful woman’s hands, and I...I lashed out because I was stupid and insecure and fucking stupid.”

Rhythmic, steady beeping from the machines hooked into Rowan’s body was the only answer she got. His heartbeat pulsed across one of the screens, a slow, constant electric green blip the only indication that the love of her life was there behind the ugly gown and the mottling of injuries.

“Why couldn’t I just pick up the phone?” she whispered, voice cracking as that sob broke through her barrier. “Why was I so stubborn and insistent that I’d been in the right? Why couldn’t I see how badly you were hurting, how badly I needed to pull my head out of my ass and read the words so clearly scrawled across your face?” No longer bothering to stem her tears, she reached up to his achingly handsome face, the face that no amount of bruises and scrapes and scars would ever change that she loved. “Remembering the way you looked at me right before you left--it kills me, Ro. Every time.” She choked out another rough sob, tasting the salt of her tears. “They say time heals all ills, but I’m so, so scared it won’t heal this one.

“My Rowan.” Lifting the back of his hand to her lips, she pressed a teary, tender kiss to the inked skin. “My buzzard.” Another kiss. “Please, don’t leave me.” Breaking into pieces by the last pleading words.

She watched his chest rise and fall in rhythm with the tube pumping oxygen into his lungs, helping him breathe as his ribs and bruised lung healed. Watched the blips and beeps of his pulse, his brain activity, his blood flow pulse across the screens as she clutched his hand, the familiar warmth leeched away as he slept.

“Would this have happened if I hadn’t been so closed off?” she breathed hoarsely into the silent, sterile room. “Would we be here like this if I’d just fucking talked to you for once?” Hot salt tears dripped onto his hand, her grief pouring out into the hospital bedsheets. “All I want are answers, Ro. Even if it’s just a ‘no,’ even if you tell me to fuck off. I just--” Her breath hitched. “I just want to hear your voice again, buzzard. I just want to see you smiling. I’m so sorry, baby. So fucking sorry. I did this to you--I was an idiot and I yelled at you and I made you leave and gods, I’m the reason you were in that crash.” Sobs shook her shoulders, the full force of her emotions unmasked for him. Only for him. “I love you, Rowan Whitethorn. I will never stop loving you, even if you never know it again.” Raising that hand to her lips, she pressed a soft, teary kiss to his knuckles, careful to avoid the IV.

Finally, hesitantly, she loosened her grip on his hand, letting go before she cracked into pieces all over the hospital floor. She pushed her chair back, still with her fingers touched to his, and stared at his still, sleeping body, the pale undertone of his tanned skin. Her fingers twitched.

No.

His fingers twitched.

Gasping, she raised her eyes to his face, barely believing that any of this was happening.

Pine green crashed into turquoise, silent tears pooling in the depths of Rowan’s eyes.

Awake. He was awake. He could hardly move, save for twitching his fingers against hers, and he was still under heavy pain medication and sleepy from the sedatives, but he was awake. Staring at her. Alive.

Chest heaving, Aelin pressed the nurse call button, lacing her fingers with Rowan’s, her eyes not leaving his. The nurse burst into the room in less than a minute, rushing to the bedside.

“He’s awake,” Aelin croaked, beaming through her tears. “He’s awake.”

“He’s awake,” the nurse echoed, hurrying to check Rowan’s body functions on the monitors. Two more nurses rushed into the room at her words, talking to each other rapidly about Rowan’s vitals. “Breathing seems normal, heartbeat is steady, BP a little low but not dangerous...” The nurse who’d first entered turned to Aelin, smiling widely. “He’s perfectly fine, Ms. Galathynius.”

Aelin could only smile wider, gripping Rowan’s hand. “What comes next?”

What came next was a slow, steady recovery. Rowan went under sedation again the next day to have the breathing tube removed, so the next time Aelin visited him, he was propped up in bed with an oxygen tube under his nose, more coherent than he’d been when he first awoke but still unable to speak. The doctors had warned her that he’d be silent for a while as his throat recovered from having a breathing tube, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was that he was alive, awake, and recovering his motor function, despite the fractures, the bruises, the bandages and casts on his body.

He’d recovered enough function in his good arm that when she arrived and sat down at his side, heart bursting with all she wanted to say, he pulled over the whiteboard a nurse had left for him and slowly scratched out three words.

I love you.

“I love you, Ro,” she breathed.

He erased and wrote again. I heard you, you know.

“You did?”

Yes

“I’m such--”

I forgive you. Setting down the whiteboard, he closed his hand around hers, every ounce of his love for her shining in his eyes. I forgive you, I love you.

Hesitantly, she pulled herself closer, leaned gingerly over his body, and pressed her lips against his. “I love you so much.”

“To...whatever...end,” he mouthed, forming the words with some effort.

To whatever end.

~~~

TAGS: please lmk if you want to be added/removed!

@charlizeed

@cretaceous-therapod

@clea-nightingale

@autumnbabylon

@nerdperson524

@claralady

@fireheartwhitethorn4ever

@morganofthewildfire

@rowanaelinn

@wesupremeginger

@story-scribbler

@nicolivesinbooks

@stardelia

@shanias-world

@mybloodrunsblue

@swankii-art-teacher

@wordsafterhours

@cookiemonsterwholovesbooks

@violet-mermaid7

@holdthefrickup

@goddess-aelin

@rowaelinismyotp

@dealfea

@irondork

@elentiyawhitethorn

@live-the-fangirl-life

@darling-im-the-queen-of-hell

@chronicchthonic14

@whispers-in-the-darkest-heart

@sweet-but-stormy

@hanging-from-a-cliff

@jorjy-jo

@rowaelinrambling

@thegreyj

@silentquartz

@backtobl4ck

#my writing #aelin galathynius #rowan whitethorn #rowaelin #angst #AAAAAANGST #lovely anon #answered prompt #someone say angst?#with fluffy ending #i promise #just gonna post this and run away and hide

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rockroselazuli · 9 months

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TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Tagging: myself

Name: rai

Pronouns: he/him

Birthday (no year): december 28th

Where are you from? What is your time zone?: colorado! mountain time zone

Roleplay experience: ooooohh my god um. like 15 years maybe?? most recently on twt. i used to rp on tumblr back in high school though and i'm SO glad to be back cause i missed it. rping on twt is awful i need to be able to write three thousand words in one post

Got any pets?: my kitty selkie :)

Favorite time of year: autumn.. i love pretty leaves and comfortable weather and halloween and pumpkin flavored things god bless

Some interests and things you like: drawing, audio drama podcasts, birds, sugar, cosplaying, horror

Some funfacts & trivia about you:

i collect plushies

i have 14 tattoos and my next one is gonna be grima

i write original stories and someday i'm gonna make a webcomic

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play?: pokemon, animal crossing, other miscellaneas things

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: type is flying & pokemon is absol. my absolute belovedoh my god that was not supposed to be a pun

How did you get into Fire Emblem?: my childhood friend was really into radiant dawn and told me all about it and then i mentioned it to my dad and he was like "oh yeah fire emebeleme i wanted to try out one of those games" so he bought radiant dawn bc it was the one i talked about and. we did not know it was a sequel for the longest time.

What Fire Emblem games have you played?: 7, 9 & 10, 11 & 12, 13, 14, 16, 17

First Fire Emblem game: radiant dawn

Favorite Fire Emblem game: awakening

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳: g.. gregorgy. also sephiran and naesala. and rafal why is gregory the only human here

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays?

- Awakening: tharja. now i would gaius if i wasn't so attached to him being inigo's father always

- Fates: silas. now uhhh mmmm?? m. i don't know WAIT. keaton

- Three Houses: i don't remember?????? what the fuck. um. oh nevermind it was claude lmao of course it was claude. and i would do it again

- Engage: no one i uh. seem to have completely missed the chance somehow. anyway i'm going for alfred this time cause alfred/alear is everythign to me

Favorite Fire Emblem class: KINSHI KNIGHT but basically just archers in general. and DANCERS i love them

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class?: um.. idk but i'd like to think i'd be the donnel archetype cause aptitude is my only chance

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation?: golden deer!!

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with?: either micaiah bc i like her or um. yeah. i would go with claude also but not when the Other Two are in there can you imagine the bickering

How did you find TOA?: a couple of my mutuals on twt are here!! waves at them

Current TOA muses: yeehaw

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again?: not toa but my first fire emblem muse ever was volug. yeah i could write him again

Have you had any other TOA muses?: not yet but stay tuned

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards?: yeah lmao. i've got a couple archetypes that hit me like a train every time

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most?: characters with weird ass emotions

Favorite TOA-related memory: i haven't even been here a month yet but this event is really fun

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔: just the letters lol

Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day that you’d like to share? 😉: back when i was on twtrp i kinda wanted to pick up ashe but then. i didn't. because ferp on twt is a nightmare and ashe was a popular character (i was cyril. safe in my little bubble)

#×{{ ooc }}#{{ i literally just got here but hi everyone }}

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girlreviews · 2 months

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Review #46: Graceland, Paul Simon

It makes sense to do Graceland next, right? Ha. You might think I’m gonna fucking rip on it after that last post but I did say I loved it, and I do.

Here’s the thing: I think Paul Simon is a twerp. I could write a white paper on his ego and pretentiousness. That ego and pretentiousness would factor into whatever section that covered the controversy surrounding the production and creation of Graceland. That’s a nuanced discussion. He’s still a twerp.

However, he’s a twerp that made a damn near perfect album on this occasion. I’m going to have to keep myself in check or this review will itself turn into a white paper. Simon recorded some of the album with South African musicians including The Boyoyo Boys and Ladysmith Black Mambazo in Johannesburg, and remaining parts in the US with other guest artists like Linda Ronstadt and The Everly Brothers (!!). Unlike his previous work, since he had always been a singer-songwriter type, the music came first and the lyrics came last. This, is SO fascinating to me, because the lyrics are two things in Graceland:

One: Completely disconnected from the sound of the music behind them compared to the lyrical content, which I have always thought just somehow works. Songs about Memphis, songs about New York City, but sung over South African street music.

Two: Absolutely stunning. Masterful. Some of the best to ever be written and sung. I will have a lot of trouble not quoting entire verses. And I don’t always feel this way about Paul Simon. Sometimes I think he misses in a big way. He just didn’t on this record.

I’m going to start with Graceland itself. Make no mistake: this song brought my ass to Tennessee. It did. I listened to this record more in the year preceding my decision to move back to the US more than any other. So much so that I got banned from playing it in my office (true!). Consciously or not, when the time came for me to decide what the fuck to do with my life, I was hearing “I’m going to Graceland, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, for reasons I cannot explain, there’s some part of me that wants to see Graceland”. I actually have never been to Graceland. Well I have, I’ve been to the parking lot and the gift shop. But that’s it. I’m not paying that much money to look at some weirdos weird lair. You’re never going to get me to care about Elvis like that. Anyway, I digress. This song breaks your heart. Knowing your love doesn’t love you anymore. Everyone seeing directly inside your totally deconstructed heart and soul looking at the ruins of your future. What do you do to recover from that but hit the fucking road? Accompanying those soul crushing lyrics is a guitar riff that feels like how tears feel. It sounds like you’re in a bath tub and you go under for a minute. It’s under water. And that’s exactly right. It hurts so good.

Next! Oh my god, I want to say my favorite but this is one of those where they’re all my damn favorite. I Know What I Know. Firstly, this is the wittiest Paul Simon has ever been:

“She looked me over and I guess she thought I was alright

Alright in a sort of a limited way for an off night”

But he then describes her as moving so easily “all he could think of was sunlight”, and that’s pretty fucking special. I can’t lie. You could be a twerp but with talk like that, if you were a little funny, and you could sing pretty songs, yeah maybe plenty of women would give you the time of day. Maybe the ego makes sense. This song also reminds me of a former boss, who was actually from South Africa. He just sung the last words of each line, because they were really pronounced “moooooney”, “fuuuuuunny”, and it was annoying as hell. Probably because he was a real racist piece of shit, and one day when I really just told him I had nothing left in me and thought I might kill myself, mans looked me dead in the eye and told me to “pick a different thought and just keep showing up for work”. Money. Funny.

Moving on, there’s this chaotic accordion in Gumboots. I don’t really know how to single out any of the lyrics, but I’ll pick “I said hey señorita, that’s astute I said, why don’t we get together and call ourselves an institute”(the fuck???? Come on! I want to be mad at it, but it’s just the right damn side of the line where he’s not high on its own supply, it just is really that good). It’s a vocal performance for sure. It’s witty again. It’s conversational. It’s confusing. It’s unresolved. There’s joyful happy percussion and trumpets backing that up. It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense and yet it works perfectly.

I can’t get into every other song because they’re all amazing. But a poor boy is “empty as a pocket” in Diamonds of the Souls of Her Shoes. There’s a “roly-poly little bat faced girl” in You Can Call Me Al. In Crazy Love, Vol. II, “the fire in your life” is “all over the evening news”. I really can’t cope with it all.

Here’s my two stories. They’re good ones, too. Like I said, I really got to know this record in 2012, when I found it in the charity shop across from my shitty apartment at my shitty job that ruled my shitty life. I found so many good ones there (Joni!). I listened to it non-stop. Got banned from listening to it. Did it anyway, etc. Wouldn’t you know, it was the 25th anniversary of it being released? Paul Simon toured that year, with all of the original musicians. I saw it. My life was a disaster, and I was miserable all told. The people largely responsible for the misery bought tickets for everyone but me, knowing how much I loved it. But I was given VIP passes by my former housemate who worked for Columbia Records, because yeah! Sometimes you catch a break! I know in spite of all of the misery and pain of that time that felt all consuming, there was a sunny day in Hyde Park where I saw this album performed from start to finish by the original musicians. I wore a cute leopard print dress and have a picture from that day with my very dear friend Sophie, and I can see in my eyes that I was happy. He threw in some other classics too. Even some Simon and Garfunkel. I got drunk. I was in the moment. I was the roly-poly little bat-faced girl. Whatever that means. For me it means I was happy.

Fast forward a year, I moved to Tennessee. Fast forward a few more years from there. I’m married to a man who works for a nice couple who happen to be South African. One Saturday I stop in to see him at work, and he says “Hey girlreviews, I need to introduce you to someone”. That someone was a tall, slender, aging white man that I recognized from a documentary I had watched some months ago. He had a lovely South African accent. My husband tells me, “he worked on Graceland”. I didn’t know what to say, but I shook his hand and told him how much I loved the record and how special it was. I was so overwhelmed I don’t even recall his name without rewatching the documentary, or what role he played in the making of the album.

Brb, crying about that guitar sound for the 87546490075734643th time. If you’ve never heard a guitar under water, all you have to do is get in your car, put on Graceland and head to Memphis. Only the putting on Graceland part is actually required.

#album review #music #music review #rolling stone top 500 #paul simon #graceland

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fazfacts · 1 year

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CR1TIKAL FNAF GAMEPLAY AND COMMENTARY SENTENCE STARTERS!

❝ Alright, I guess I’ll go fuck myself. ❞

❝ Oh, that’s spooky. It’s 12:31 AM where I am right now. ❞

❝ I’m getting the heebie-jeebies. ❞

❝ What if Freddy Fraz- what if Freddy Faz- ❞

❝ What the fuck? Fuck Freddy Fazbear. ❞

❝ What the fuck? Fuck [___]. ❞

❝ This is the longest message I’ve ever received. ❞

❝ It should be an illegal thing for you to leave such a long message. ❞

❝ Oh, yes. Taunt me by pronouncing [___] correctly. ❞

❝ That really makes the employee feel good. ❞

❝ Don’t insult their music. ❞

❝ I’m irritable right now, due to the length of this message. ❞

❝ How about you show me respect as a human being and stop this message? ❞

❝ Alright, so exactly how do I fight these things? ❞

❝ What the fuck? Did they deploy an EMP? ❞

❝ My signal’s been lost! They’re jamming the radio frequency! ❞

❝ What the fuck do I do now? ❞

❝ He’s in the Dining Area. He must have been hungry. ❞

❝ I see you, bitch. Sipping on that green tea. ❞

❝ How do you like me now? I’ll sip my green tea in peace. ❞

❝ I don’t need you judging me. ❞

❝ It’s like that poster on the wall over there says: [___]. ❞

❝ Celebrate green tea. ❞

❝ He knows you don’t wanna fuck with a man that’s drinking green tea. ❞

❝ Oh, no, we’ve got a REAL man over here. We’ve got a MAN’S MAN sipping on green tea. ❞

❝ Where the fuck is the [___]? ❞

❝ Oh, man. He’s in cahoots with the bear. ❞

❝ Judging by its facial expression, it looks like someone shoved a soup ladle up its asshole. ❞

❝ Poor thing looks startled. ❞

❝ Look at those eyes. Jeez, my goodness, those are some googly eyes. ❞

❝ It wants a relationship. ❞

❝ I’m not ready to commit to a relationship with a bear. ❞

❝ Oh, so you’ve finally come to face me in person, have you? ❞

❝ Why are you still here? I’m making it very clear I don’t want you at my door. ❞

❝ I can do this all day, [___]. All day. ❞

❝ 5 AM. My favorite time to wipe my ass. ❞

❝ Yayyy, 6 AM. I’ve finished wiping my ass by then. ❞

❝ Do not pick up that phone. I cannot bear another four hour message from this guy. ❞

❝ Just let it ring through. Let the answering machine get it, and let that deal with the nonsense he spouts. ❞

❝ That is one weak-ass fan. ❞

❝ I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. ❞

❝ Well, excuse me, then. ❞

❝ How rude was that? ❞

❝ That man on the phone was still in the middle of his lecture on the importance of a stable economy and this bear just barged right in. ❞

❝ I don’t know why you’re letting me stop you with just a simple door and a light. ❞

❝ Oh, shit, wow. I’m almost out of powder. ❞

❝ Oh, no! The hungry hippo teeth, nooo! ❞

❝ [___] is a master technician. A connoisseur of courageous calculations. I’d even go as far as to call him...a dickhole. ❞

❝ Go back to hibernation! Let the light stun you! ❞

❝ Well, there’s a huge security flaw. ❞

❝ I mean, if that’s the way this facility needs to be designed, then who am I to argue with the architecture? ❞

❝ You’ve got to be stirring my pasta. ❞

❝ What is this thing? ❞

❝ You know what? I’m gonna tell a story. ❞

❝ I haven’t told a story in a really long time. ❞

❝ Please get out of the doorway, I’m about to tell a story. ❞

❝ Fuck it, no shame. ❞

❝ The timing could NOT have been worse. ❞

❝ I just can’t deal with this. ❞

❝ Zoinks, the lights are off! ❞

❝ Take that, Fazbear! ❞

❝ Fuck, I came all this way, and it’s 6 AM now? ❞

❝ Celebrate the joy of long-lasting power! ❞

❝ Serenade me, Fazbear. ❞

❝ Serenade my candy ass. ❞

❝ [___] is certainly a force to be reckoned with...and I don’t feel like reckoning with him anymore. ❞

#fnaf rp memes #cr1tikal rp memes #rp memes #rp prompts #sentence starters #the saga is complete #fun fact this was my first cr1tikal video ever so i have a very soft spot for it

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papermint-airplane · 1 year

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Just some Simblr updates and *cough* other ramblings. Click if you’re interested. Warning: it is long.

It's 5:30 on a Wednesday evening. I am sitting in an uncomfortable metal chair in a church basement. The air smells of mildew and fried chicken (it's a Baptist church). I'm holding a paper cup full of lukewarm water in both hands. It's still full. The bottom is beginning to sag. I stare at it.

"Laura!" comes a voice from my right. I startle, sloshing my water slightly. "It's your turn to speak," comes the voice again, softer this time.

I look up. A large, tight smile stretches across Shelly's face. She probably means for it to look reassuring but it just looks forced. I swear I can make out the faintest twitch in her right eye. I drop my gaze to my paper cup again. All around me, metal chairs creak out a chorus as the other members of the group shift. I know eight pairs of eyes just turned towards me, though I don't look up to confirm it. It would have been nine if Greg had showed up tonight. Fucking Greg.

I open my mouth, attempting to speak, but all that comes out of my dry throat is a strained "u-uh." I raise the paper cup to my lips and down the water like a shot. Some of it floods into my windpipe. I begin coughing uncontrollably, my body's reflexes desperately trying to save me from drowning myself on dry land. Shelly is still smiling at me.

"Take your time," she says. I continue to choke. Jennifer, on my left, half-heartedly pats my back.

After what feels like an eternity, my airway manages to clear itself and I am no longer dying. I only wish I were.

"Uh," I say again, even more hoarse than before. "I-I'm Laura and I can't--"

"'Don't'," Shelly corrects me. "We don't say 'can't' here."

"Right, uh, I don't finish things," I say. Shelly nods her approval. "Uh..yeah."

"Hi, Laura," eight voices drone in response.

"It's been two weeks since I posted the last part of Denizens of Woeford," I continue. I know that I should--"

"Ah ah ah!" interrupts Shelly, wagging a finger at me. "We don't 'should' ourselves here."

"Right. I know I sh--I mean, I need--I want to post another part but..." My voice trails off. Sentences are another thing I struggle to finish, apparently. Shelly's eye twitch becomes a bit more pronounced. "You know what, I have to go to the bathroom," I blurt out, holding up my empty paper cup as if it is exhibit A in my legal defense.

"Of course," coos Shelly. "We'll still be here when you get back. Unless it's after 6:00, because the ladies have to set up for prayer meeting."

I scramble out of the room as fast as my legs will carry me. To my credit, I do stop at the ladies' room to toss my cup into the wastebin. I flush one of the toilets, hoping the sound will drown out my footsteps as I bolt down the hallway towards the exit. Greg had the right idea ditching tonight. Fucking Greg.

I won't be back.

So. If you’re wondering what that was all about, me too, fam, me too. Ever get a shower thought you can’t shake until you write it down? This was that. I’m so sorry I put you through all that.

That was just my round-about, extremely convoluted way of acknowledging my faults. I have started like three stories on here that I’ve dropped already because I didn’t have time to do a good job or I was bored or *dismissive hand flap* whatever else. I do have a hard time finishing things, I admit that. I have limited time to play because of my full-time job and when I do play, I tend to prioritize my own enjoyment (as I should, as we all should) so if I’m not enjoying something, I drop it. That’s what happened to Bellaverse.

Bellaverse was going to be a multiverse-spanning story about Bella Goth née Bachelor in several different iterations just...just going through it. I actually wrote like 90% of it. All I had left to do was set up pictures for it. Problem was, due to my limited time, I kind of ended up half-assing the pictures in the prologue. I wasn’t really happy with any of them but I didn’t feel like I had the time or attention span to redo them. So I dropped the story rather than putting something out I’m not happy with. Maybe at some point, I’ll take another crack at it. Like I said, I do have most of it written and I don’t want a story to go to waste.

All of this is to say I feel bad when I drop something else or I don’t feel as excited about something as I once did. And that’s dumb. This is a game that I play for fun on a Simblr I maintain for fun. I shouldn’t be making myself feel bad for only focusing on stuff I enjoy and dropping what I don’t. But, this isn’t really about the Simblr. I have trouble finishing things in other areas of my life, too. I have mental health problems and I tend to put too much pressure on myself and get too overwhelmed and...things just don’t get done. I’m working on it in therapy. My therapist is not Shelly, thank God. He’s actually really good and he’s helping me get over a lot of self-inflicted guilt.

So I’m not dropping Denizens of Woeford. However, I am changing it.

My original plan was to play every family in Woeford in a rotational save, posting their stories one part per rotation and continuing on like that, tying each family’s story into each other. Ambitious, you say? Nah, not really. The intertwining narratives were always going to happen with what I had planned, so that wasn’t my issue. My issue is this stupid game doing what it does and making life difficult for me. I found Pleasant Sims’ detailed instructions on how to play Sims 3 rotationally and I followed them. to. the. letter. And it didn’t work. Even after I set up castes, even after I added everyone to them, even after I installed a mod to enable Sims 2-style aging, even after I set lifespans on epic, my unplayed Sims decided “hey fuck Laura, let’s just do what we want!” and aged up without my input anyway. It was really annoying trying to focus on one family when I had to go jump into other households real quick to fix people.

And that’s when I realized, hey, I don’t want to do this. The only households I was really enjoying playing were Aiden’s and Eleanor’s, in that order. So, instead of my grand rotational plan, I’m going to focus just on Aiden and Eleanor. I’m still going to post introductions to the other Denizens of Woeford (because I worked hard on those, dammit), and you’ll still get to see their stories play out, albeit in the background of Aiden’s story. It’s just better for me this way and I think it’s better for anyone who wants to read this mess, too, because not only will it be less confusing, it’ll be more fun. And I’ll be having fun instead of wishing I was playing with Aiden instead of whoever I’m posting about. I know my feelings would show through, and that’s no good for anyone.

So, Tl; dr, I will be posting Denizens of Woeford once more. I scrapped all my initial plans and screenshots, and moving forward, I’ll just be focusing on Aiden and Eleanor instead of everyone.

More than likely, I am literally the only person on the planet who cares about any of this, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there anyway. If you are reading this, holy shit why?! But also, thank you, and if you learn anything from this, prioritize what you find fun over what you’ve made yourself think you’re obligated to do. Because at the end of the day, nobody is going to care anywhere near as much as you do, so you might as well stop making yourself stress out over nothing. Nobody is forcing you to do anything except you. And maybe Greg. Fucking Greg.

#tangentially sims related #ramblings #this is very long and very stupid #only read this if you want updates on what i'm doing on my simblr #and updates on my life i guess #and if you want to read an extremely long description of a joke only i find funny #oh god what have i done

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newjenns · 9 months

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You gave such a thoughtful answer!!

Idk how to explain, but the names you like are very You-coded, like Pandora like the girl who unleashed evil in the world, Salem like the witch trials, Alistair and Evangeline also give me the edgy vibes that emanate from you/pos, they're pretty good names! I liked all of them tbh, they're pretty.

I really like how Rowan and Caspian sound together, both ending in "an" appeals to me, but I'm the kind of name nerd that likes cohesive sib-sets, that is one of the things that makes me very weirdly picky about names, they have to sound good together because I want a shit ton of kids. (<- Can barely look after myself)

My curse with girl names is that my Brazilian ass Loves Anglo-sounding ones that would get my kid bullied, (went to school with a Dylan and the poor boy was made fun of a lot because of the gringo name) like I'd love to name a kid Nora, but that literally means "daughter-in-law" in Portuguese.

I like the subtle book references in the names you picked, the names I like are like that also, from the past like 10 years I've dreamed of naming kids Bianca and Nicholas because of Bianca and Nico Di Angelo (not that subtle but they sound Good together), I also read a Percabeth fic where they had a Marina and the name stuck with me! and reading Pride and Prejudice kinda made me obsessed with the name Lydia because she was my favorite, part of me really likes Thomas and Alexander also, but that might be a bit too SBI coded so I don't think I'd use both even tho I liked the names before liking them.

- baby name anon (I'll start signing my asks with that now because I loved it, you'll probably get drama asks signed that eventually because I've been sending you asks for around 2 years lol)

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH 😭😭😭 this is the greatest compliment you can give me.

i feel like i’m almost in a similar boat as you bc i come from a spanish speaking family and it’s like well i should probably name my kids something my relatives can pronounce and also i don’t want them to make fun of or judge my names if i give my kids super white names ?3?3!&3 but i feel like that boat has already sailed like my cousins and siblings all have very white sounding names anyway

i also like sibling set names !!! this is part of why i like evangeline and pandora so much bc eve and pandora were the first women in their respective mythologies !! if i had two daughters this is probably what i would go with if i can convince my partner LOL i once tried to explain this idea to my mom like oh having a theme interwoven for your kids names like all space related names (like sisters nova and selene) or nature related names (ivy and river for example) and she thought that was kind of crazy so i would probably make it really subtle 😭

i get a little weird about having too similar sounds tho like for the longest time evangeline and evander were my favorites for a girl and a boy (which in my ideal world i have two kids and it’s a girl and a boy) but the evan being the first four letters of both made me pause liek ..? is this too similar and cringe …? so evander fell lower on the list bc of that unforchie dorchie oh also i was going to mention this in the og post but another boy name i kind of like is jason dean i like jason as a stand-alone (jason todd you are so famous) but jason dean kind of gives it that slay factor bc jason is a little short for me on its own and also it is a. reference to heathers and if i used that name i would in fact call my baby jd i wont even lie.

percy jackson has some of my favorite naming conventions ever !! all the kids have meaning woven into their names that relates to their godly parent like selina beauregard like literally beautiful to look at are we kidding. love it. i think you could absolutely get away with nicholas and bianca especially bc bianca is like such a minor character like i think only people who are nerds about pjo would get it and they would find it cool :) so funny you mention pride and prejudice tho bc i rewatched the movie just a few days ago and i was literally just thinking about the bennett sisters and THEIR names and how well they went together like elizabeth katherine lydia even jane and mary seem to fit in so well and kitty as a nickname is so cute too bad she’s so annoying 😭

thomas and alexander are very classic anglo names BUT. but i will say my first thought was. hamilton. ummmm

#practically the same thing (sbi and hamilton) so you knowwww #baby name anon #<- so very excited to give you your own tag !!!#my jaw literally dropped when you said youve been sending me asks for about two years like Wow …

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saltsacc · 1 year

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"The Sword and the Stone"

BARK!BARK! Human!Jake is sorely underrated no I'm not accepting opinions respect babygirl

I feel like all I write is a bunch of sad and angry shit with WoS so here's a drabble thing from another fic based on when I read some excerpt on na'vi biology that I thought was fucking hilarious.

I also headcannon Norm to be swangin' and everyone's a little pissed about it

“I’m going to say something controversial.”

I could hear Jake turning around in his wheelchair, expectant look on his face.

“Are you asking permission?” I couldn’t help but scoff, as if. “Because I genuinely cannot wait to hear what you’re about to say.” I was already up to throw out the discarded wrapper of a microwave burrito, rolling my eyes at his obvious humor.

“It’s nothing bad, just, I wouldn’t say it to like Augustine or something.” I turned back to see him in his chair, expectant eyebrow raised. “I’d say it to Norm though, just to piss him off.” Jake snorted and gestured for me to continue.

“Am I crazy or are we, as avatars, way more attractive than the average joe?” A disbelieving laugh coursed through him, and I met his incredulous stare. “No, no! Do not laugh at me I’m serious!” I let my body drag down into the closest stool as he wheeled closer, putting us at eye level. “They put some shit in that amniotic fluid because as a human I’m like a reluctant seven. Maybe,” That incredulous look didn’t leave his face, but his laugh became more pronounced as I continued. “As an avatar? Ten. Easy.”

“Maybe you just have a thing for big, blue people.” I gave him a half-hearted shrug because this is also a possibility. “Also don’t know what you mean by we.” I flipped him off with an eye roll.

“I think I’m just a narcissist who like to see myself in different fonts. I mean, you have eyes.” He rolled his eyes.

“Never said you were wrong. You’re not bad.” I threw a wadded up napkin straight at his chest but he must have seen it coming and batted it away before contact. “That also means you think I’m hot.” I couldn’t help but laugh, a squawky chuckle.

“Everyone thinks you're hot Jake, blue or otherwise.” He gave a disbelieving scoff, but soon a smirk joined in.

“Yeah?” I narrowed my eyes at the change of attitude.

“We just think you’re stupid too.” He snorted.

“You got a little crush on me?” This mother-

“Whoa there, I am not a coward.” He still had that smug look, now crossing his arms expectantly. “As a grown woman I admire, respectfully.”

“Huh.”

“Me and Trudy talk about it all the time.” Throwing Trudy under the bus would probably come to bite me in the ass, but I needed allies and she’d get over it.

“No shit?”

“I mean, we’re stuck in a glorified trailer with you guys—we’re bound to wander into that territory sooner or later.” I laughed remembering a specific tidbit of information. “Though, maybe I should take the Norm thing back. Trudy seems to like him enough.” At this, Jake laughed out loud.

“I figured when I walked in on them.”

“Walked?” I couldn’t help it; he makes it so easy. He scoffed and flipped me off with both hands. “And yeah, I know. She told me he has a huge dick too.” Jake groaned disbelievingly, one of our guilty pleasures was making fun of Norm together and this went against every side comment we ever made.

“Not a chance in hell.” I shrugged emphatically, I couldn’t believe it either but Trudy was an experienced woman and she wasn’t going to go around fluffing Norm’s ego for his own benefit.

“Yes bro. I don’t even want to tell you in inches.” He groaned, pulling a squeamish face. “His avatar must go crazy.” We both scoffed at the immediate mental image. “Thank god he doesn’t have to go around in a loin cloth.” I shot a pointed look and Jake groaned.

“S’not like you’d see it anyway.” I felt my eyebrows scrunch because I think I would see a fucking eleve—

It’s like he could read my confusion and a somewhat bashful look appeared, which was very off character for someone like Jake.

“You better tell me what I don’t know right now.” He groaned and my curiosity became insatiable. Jake Sully? Embarrassed?

“Aren’t you a biologist or something?” This time I gave him an appraising look because that’s a pretty valid inquiry.

“Yeah, for wildlife. I started on the anthropology side of things when it comes to the Na’vi—because that’s how Grace structures her courses, and I’m still making my way through the culture. I just assumed they were pretty biologically similar to humans. I also have a vagina, so I didn’t get to explore having a blue dick.” I paused. “Obviously it’s blue, right?”

“Jesus,”

“Sully, the curiosity is literally going to make me drop dead. Please. For science.” He huffed, disgruntled but with a layer of amusement. He rubbed at his eyes with his hand.

“It’s not always just out, ya’ know? It has like a, like a sheath?” There was no fucking way. “It only comes out when, uh, needed.” Silence.

“Jake. That is the craziest fucking thing you’ve ever said to me.” He groaned miserably and tried to wheel away but I put my hands up to stop him.

“Wait! I’m just trying to wrap my head around it, because I have some pretty standard equipment—so I just think it’s wild that yours is so different. Genuine science inquiry.” He cooled down from the embarrassment, not for long though. “Not so science inquiry, how big is it?” This time he did wheel away, with me chasing him through the hallway.

“You don’t have to give me a number just use your hands—”

“Siobhan!”

“Jake!”

*I have a work called "Sunday Afternoon is for Prayer and Possibility" set during the first movie and centers around my babygirl Siobhan, an upstart that really should not be on Pandora and her search for allies as she inadvertently and ironically participates in the colonization of the only place that feels like home, Pandora. I think after 'WoS" I'll start letting it out idk maybe. As a treat.

#jake sully #avatar #fanfic #drabble #oc #inappropriate humor #jake sully x oc

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spellcasterlight · 2 years

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WHOA so many wips!! You're amazing!! ✨ Lots of intriguing titles (especially the ones I can't pronounce) and I am 👀👀👀 at OBITO x MEI?! But ultimately the long-lost-teenager-Avril-Lavigne-fan in me has to ask about Sk8er Gurl😆 So, anything you can share about that one? If you don't mind!

Hi there @irreverentgifs! Because it's you, I'll do both! ❤️

Warnings: None - under the cut simply for length!

Thanks for the ask! ✨

WIP Titles Game! 📓

Ao3 ✨ | WIP Game Always Open ✒️| Ko-Fi ☕

Untitled - [Obito x Mei]

So this is set during the no one dies alternative timeline from the war fillers! Minato has asked newly appointed Mizukage, Mei, to come to Konoha to complete an unbiased look into the Uchiha clan because of recent complaints in the village about the Uchiha police.

Minato assigned his old genin team to act as her bodyguards because, well, I say so 😂

I have admittedly done next to nothing for this request so far but I can’t wait to write a flirty Mei and helping wee old ladies good boy Obito 😁

Have some random unorganised dialogue notes!

So it is not enough that we be shoved to the edges of the village but now they are bringing in an outsider to judge us?!

That is standard to avoid bias! You know that!

========================================

Obito. For once in your life don’t be late.

=======================================

Well well well haven't they given me a handsome bodyguard?

And a Uchiha too. How interesting.

=======================================

After everything that happened you didn't vote against my clan?

Bad apples are everywhere Obito. But that doesn't mean the tree is bad.

I have my opinions to the Hokage what he does with them after that is out of my control.

Thank you. Really.

If you're ever in Kirigakure make sure you come by and see me.

And don't be late.

Sk8er Gurl - [Shino x Tenten]

I had this song on repeat for like a whole day and couldn’t help myself 🤣

Kiba’s latest fad is skateboard so drags an unwilling computer nerd Shino along to the skate park. There he sees my girl Tenten just being amazing and is instantly interested. Insert hilarity of Kiba trying to teach Shino how to skateboard with pitiful results. They hit it off despite Shino’s preference for remaining on solid ground.❤️

I do know I wanted to end it with Kiba giving a best man speech and letting it slip how Shino only got on a skateboard to impress her in the first place and Tenten finding this absolutely hilarious and raking him for it! 😂

Have some more terrible random dialogue notes!

Kiba.

Hmm?

Who is that?

Who? Oh. That's Tenten. New in the park. Kinda cool, got some sweet moves. Did the best ______ I've ever seen last week. Why?

Reallllllyyyyy? Didn't see that coming!

She's not gonna talk to you unless you're on a skateboard you know that right?

Give me your board.

What?

Give me your board.

You really wanna talk to her that bad?

She's leaving.

Good. Now you've got a week to practice

======================================

Maybe this was not such a good idea did you know __ percent of A&E visits are skateboard related?

Yea but did you take into account there's a one hundred percent chance of me kicking your ass if you don't get on the board?

You are right those are far more pressing odds.

We'll work on it

Shino groaned.

====================================

You alright?

Yes. Only my pride is injured I can assure you.

A little injured pride is good for the soul.

Beginner huh?

Skateboarding has never been a particular hobby of mine. Is it really that obvious?

You couldn't seem to keep your balance on the solid ground never mind trying the bowl.

Cool board though! A _____?

==========================

Wait you learned to skateboard because you wanted to impress me?

#obimei #shinoten #obito uchiha #mei terumi #shino aburame #tenten #wip #wip game #thanks for the ask!#asks are open!#❤️❤️❤️

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raymondvelez · 2 years

Text

Cooper’s Hawk

Look, I already know what ya’ll gonna say. Los, why would you go on a double-date with your ex-girlfriend? You put yourself in this situation. And most of the time, you’d be right. But every time I sit down to write, I think of Jacky Hernandez. Ya’ll can talk all the shit you want, but unless you and Jacky go on a date, you can’t relate. Jacky has this way of bringing me back every time I’ve convinced myself that I’m done-done. Even when I’ve thought that I was really over her, I would always find myself looking at old naked pictures or reading old texts from when she used to adore me. You just wouldn’t understand. Joely thinks she did brujeria on me. But Joely is just protective because she’s been someone I been leaning on for support during this breakup. I’m sure Joely is tired of my shit, so I no longer tell her when Jacky and I correspond. And I damn sure ain’t gonna tell her that I went out Saturday night to Coopers Hawk with Jacky, her new man, and my new girl. Because for one, I don’t know if I necessarily want Joely to know that there’s already another girl post my Candace breakup. Secondly, Joely may or may not be catching feelings; I’m not sure. I care about Joely a whole lot more than ya’ll would think and I don’t want to ruin any future possibilities of having something real when I’m ready again.

Okay, so back to my dumb ass decision to sip wine with Jacky and her new boyfriend. Jacky and her boyfriend were already sitting at a table mad close to the entrance when I walked in as slow as I possibly could; simultaneously squeezing Veronica’s hand. I think subconsciously I set this date up because I knew Veronica was fine enough to make Jacky feel a way.

“Are these seats taken?” I asked rhetorically still squeezing Veronica’s hand.

“Hey Macho.” Jacky said with a smile after sizing up Veronica.

I noticed Jacky’s man make a face soon as he heard Jacky call me Macho.

“Hey, Jacky.” I replied while pulling Veronica’s chair out for her. “Los Cruz; pleasure to meet you, bro.”

Buddy stood up all extra to shake my hand and squeezed it almost as hard as I was squeezing Veronica’s. Lame ass nigga. I hate toxic masculinity. There’s no way his grip was that strong, on Gawd.

“Los, this is Derek.”

“Jacky, this Vero.”

Thank God we got interrupted by the waitress, cause I already could sense Jacky’s energy and I ain’t like it at all. I ordered the filet mignon and a red wine I struggled to pronounce; Veronica ordered grilled tenderloin medallions and a white that she could.

“So Los, how you been?” Jacky asked like she ain’t already know the answer to her own question.

“I been good. The bank treating me well. I got a huge business banking test I’m studying for, but other than that, it’s been the same ol’ thing. Work, home, rinse and repeat.”

I was fronting. What I really wanted to say was: work, home, Facetime Jacky while she’s half naked; key word is half naked. Half-naked was her way of allegiance because I usually got fully.

“That’s awesome, Los.”

I hated when Jacky called me Los. On gawd, she hasn’t called me Los since I worked for her. And “That’s awesome”? Who is she? She must really like this guy because she wasn’t being herself. Jacky does not say awesome, ya’ll. Ever. Like ever.

“Vero, tell me about yourself.” Jacky said before sipping her glass.

Ima catch a body. Jacky doesn’t drink, ya’ll. Trust me. Even when my blood count was 80% bourbon, Jacky refused to drink with me. Something about not partaking in my downfall. Who the fuck is this nigga? Homie got my baby sipping wine and knocking back amaretto sours.

“I prefer Veronica, thank you.” Vero told Jacky.

Wowwww! First off, Veronica prefers Vero. But clearly, she was starting to get territorial because her tone and that statement was new to me even.

“I’m sorry. Macho was the one who introduced you as Vero. No need to get excited. Talk to your man about how you prefer future introductions.”

Oh shit. Here we go.

“Who the fuck is Macho?” Derek chimed in reminding us of his existence.

“I am, dawg.” I replied.

Derek quickly stood up like he wanted to do something. And Ima be honest, I could tell he really wanted it with me. I stood sitting in my seat like he wasn’t even there.

The waitress returned with me and Vero’s drinks. Or Veronica’s drinks. Whatever she wants to be called.

“Derek. Take a seat, baby.” Jacky commanded before sipping her glass all cool and shit.

I really ain’t want no smoke. I’m a lover not a fighter. But sizing Derek up after he got all brave told me my five-ten frame and left handed reach wasn’t gonna be a problem as long as I swung first. He had about an inch on me tops.

After we picked at our entres and downed a few more rounds of wine and spirits, the tension seemed to be under control. Our conversation was dry at best. And that’s when Jacky decided to break the silence with trivial statements about who was getting promoted at the bank. Or who was getting married in her family.

“Please excuse me, guys. I’m going to run to the ladies room.” Veronica said.

“Let me go with you, girl.” Jacky suggested.

I stood up just as the ladies did and can you believe you this fool stood in his seat like he wasn’t just made aware of their departures? Such a gentleman, right?

“So, what was the problem earlier? Did you feel I was being disrespectful?” I asked.

“Nigga, you been disrespectful. And don’t think I don’t know you still be calling Jacky. Keep that shit up, and we gonna have problems.”

“Ain’t gonna be no problems, dawg.” But just know that a handful of those missed calls was really me just returning her calls.” I replied while handing the waitress my Amex.

“You tryna get stole off?”

“Not at all. We both too grown to be fighting over a bitch. Let alone over one that I dumped after cheating on. You owe me a thank you card.”

Veronica returned alone. Or Vero. Ya’ll probably know better than I.

“Vero, Ima go take a piss and then we take a walk to that Frank Lloyd Wright house exhibit I was telling you about, mama.”

As I headed toward the men’s room, I ignored Jacky who was passing by.

“Macho.” Jacky said to my turned back. “Wussup?”

“Don’t you ever pass by me and not acknowledge my presence.” Jacky Hernandez said while walking in my direction.

“Give me a hug, Macho.”

I held Jacky’s body so tight and close to mine, she could have tasted Armani Code. She held her face to mine as close as you could without us kissing on cheeks or lips. I settled for a kiss on her forehead which I could tell she appreciated.

#prose poem #porse #short story #fiction #flash fiction #poetry #Love Poetry #writing

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mxmorganmorph · 2 years

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May Memes - Morgan 🌷

@ollie-olliebaby: “Hey, if I told you I wanted to try drag, on a scale of one to tens across the board, how excited would you be?”

"First, I would say ELEVEN!! Then I would say where are you and why are you not at my place immediately. And then I would say bring your own makeup just in case what I have won’t work for you. Then I would say again WHERE ARE YOU AND WHEN ARE WE GETTING STARTED?”

5 things you love about yourself

"I love how incredibly talented I am at all things I do. I love how much I’ve grown into myself over the years. I love my eyes and how they match my hair. And despite it all I DO love my hair--it’s my signature, despite how untameable it is. It took me a long ass time, but I love my body, double chin, love handles, all of it. I just love being unique--wait, I think that’s six things.”

What did you dream about last night?

"Okay, so I was at my high school, but it was also like, a mall? And then I was hanging out with my classmates who weren’t actually the kids I went to school with but smurfs? But I was acting like I’ve known them my whole life. Okay and then the high school/mall started to flood and I was riding a whale that turned into a submarine that took me to an underwater hair salon but it was okay because everyone could breathe underwater for some reason and the water was like, washing out everyone’s hair dye but also the hair dye was poisonous gas and--

Sorry where did I lose you?”

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?

"Of course! What kind of curmudgeon wouldn’t?”

Describe the memory of the last time you felt true happiness.

"Probably the first curtain call we had for Into the Woods. It was my first time performing theater in Redwood Hollow and the first time I’ve done theater in years. Just that feeling of being on stage and everyone standing up and cheering for you...it’s so different than any other kind of performance. Everyone worked so hard and there was just such a great energy that we’d pulled off our first show. Really amazing stuff.”

What is something you own that is important to you? What makes it so important?

"Is it weird to say my ferret? Technically I do own him. He’s just been such an integral part of me building my life here at Redwood Hollow and I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

What’s your zodiac sign? Do you think you fit the general characteristics of that sign?

"Aries, babey! Passionate! Bold! Determined!” They strike a pose between each pronounced word. “I’d say those are all things that describe me, wouldn’t you? Of course you have your less-than-savory things like impulsive and impatient...I’d say I’m pretty textbook Aries.”

Have you ever written a love letter?

“Sure did. That was how the whole school found out I was gay. It was...honestly kind of a traumatizing experience. Whoops!”

Do you feel more connected to the moon or the sun?

"I feel like I’m a night owl but definitely have more of a sunny personality.”

When’s the last time you felt like you were floating?

“Honestly...probably the last time I talked to Ollie. You know that feeling you get after a really intense cry? Yeah, that.”

Do you believe in guardian angels?

“Not in the spiritual sense. I do believe there are people who come into your life to look out for you, and I try to be that for others.”

What’s a smell that reminds you of home?

“Weed.” They paused. “Sorry, you were probably looking for a less cynical answer, weren’t you? My Bubbe used to wear a scent called “Sunset on the Beach”--couldn’t tell you what was actually in it and I don’t think they even make it anymore. But I’ve smelled similar scents that remind me of it, and her.”

Name a song that makes you feel ethereal.

“MacArthur Park by Donna Summers”

Talk about one of your most cherished childhood memories.

"The first time my Bubbe took me to the theater. They were putting on a production of Follies. I didn’t have the slightest clue what was going on but it was the first time I’d ever seen anything like it. The singing, the costumes, the everything--it opened up my mind, heart, and began me on my gender journey. I wish I could meet the cast of that performance and let them know how much they shaped my life.”

Do you believe dreams have meanings or are they completely random?

"Well my last dream SOUNDED pretty random, but I love hearing how other people interpret dream meanings.”

Do you believe in mermaids?

"From myth and legend? No. Those people who will wear a mermaid tail and perform UNDERWATER? Stronger and braver than any US Marine.”

What’s a song that gives off good vibes anytime you listen to it?

“Do Your Thing by Basement Jaxx”

Name a book you don’t mind reading over and over.

“Say what you want about Judith Butler, but Gender Trouble is a foundational Queer Studies work and a very good introduction to the subject.”

What do you do to feel at peace?

“I can get into such a zone when I’m styling a wig or doing my makeup, it really relaxes me. Unless I’m on a deadline, in which case it’s extremely stressful.”

#headcanon #meme

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dumuzithemessiah · 2 months

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The letter J is only 500 years old so quit worshipping Jesus’s fake hateful ass as he ain’t nothing but fake! Me being real in general makes me the superior one...

Dumuzi is my name and life is what my name means! Truth is what I speak and I don’t care how mad religious nutjobs are as I’m the real deal here! The real thing is always better than the wannabe fake! Dreizehn means 13 aka my number! Plus it starts with a D like my name!

Earth means “Ea’s Kingdom” and was meant to be pronounced with a silent r! Ea is King Enkai’s alternate name! The planet is named after him not your false hateful genocide screaming false god!

There are many gods and goddesses! And the truth is something that was never written down correctly!

Many deities had their gender stated incorrectly! Queen Ninsun, Ninsar, and Nergael are fine examples of misgendering!

Also gods and goddesses are all gay or rarely bi meaning heterosexual people f’d up big time! Homophobes are screwed!

No one is heterosexual on Nibiru as we can same sexually breed! Child comes out in a light before anyone asks about that..

I’m the real Messiah and Messiah means “Hero of Rainbows” and I love Marduk[[pronounced Mar-duke]] not my worst enemy Ishtayr!

Ishtayr and I hate each other! She’s my worst enemy! So anyone who ships me with her deserves to be punched in the face and have the shit beat out of them as if you humans knew exactly what she did to me…

I know you humans wouldn’t tolerate her either… she’s done the worst.. the absolute worst of worst of things.. she’s the number one worst criminal in the Multiverse.. she isn’t immortal long lived unlike true deities.. because she is The Great Evil from the First Universe means she isn’t a true deity but referred to as Fell Goddess because she was reborn from my kind…

We don’t know how she did it either… all we know is she did and she’s the biggest threat to the Kosmos which has regenerated a few times as we’re in The 8th Universe…

Why the Multiverse exists is because I sacrificed myself in the First Universe and cast a spell to defeat her back then.. a spell which shattered me and created the Multiverse..

Like I said I am the real deal and me being here on Earth means humanity’s time is short as J-Day is more near then any of you humans think…

Kohora means “Below/Underworld” and is what is under this universe... Yumera means “Dreamworld” and is above this universe. No human for ages if any has gotten into Yumera..

Kohora isn’t grim like yeah there is a cavern area but it’s landscape is like Nibiru - A surreal like fantasy landscape with some places that you would think could only exist in a child’s imagination…

Like we grow meat, we grow sweets, we grow a lot of things with majic.. yes it’s spelled majic not magic or magick as weirdos think it’s spelled… anyone who thinks it ever had a k is a fool… same fools who think warlocks are bad which they aren’t as they are just male witches…

Majic users aren’t evil and never were as the only evil ones are the ones who falsely claim they are!

My main three typings are Ice/Dark/Plant while Ishtayr’s is Rock/Light/Fire so you can imagine the battle between us is gonna be violent….

My typing oddly mirrors my birthday and that is December 25 but I was put back together over 500,000+ years ago so that is a major climate time period difference! Mesopotamia was a jungle like marshland back then so animals did graze in the Winter!

I was born at night[[dark]] in Winter[[ice]] while plant I guess fits Kosmos Day’s celebrations as Kosmos Day predates Yule and Xmas… although a Kosmos Day tree is orange not green!

#Truth #real #Warning #grim

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overgrownmoon · 6 months

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doomposting hours

before i start let me reassure everyone that i’m okay and just really need to get some shit off my chest. i’m posting this to tumblr in hopes that i’m not alone in my thoughts.

worlds been a scary place for the last decades of my life.

i’m living through Unprecedented Historical Times and it’s fucking terrifying. First a pandemic, then a crusade on queer rights, and now a genocide on the Palestinian people. what in the fuck is happening anymore?

i know things will get better. they have to, i have to hold onto that hope. but things always get worse before they get better and oh boy has shit gone downhill. for some people things will never get better. those people are dead.

i’m appalled at both Israel’s and Hamas’ actions. No civilians should have ever been harmed; but they were, they got hurt, and now millions are being punished for it. I stand with Palestine. I stand with the people going through this horrific occupation. I do not stand with Hamas, let me make myself clear; Hamas does not represent all of Palestine.

I’m scared. I scared that i’m gonna turn on the news and see the headlines of a genocide in the Gaza strip, that i’m gonna see the photos of bodies piled high while the west pretends to weep and say “we didn’t see it coming, we didn’t know they would go this far” while the buildup has being happening right in front of our eyes.

I fear the day that my own politicians cheer and clap for the death of a thousand muslims and arabs; christ, that day already happened years ago when 9/11 happened and the US slaughtered hundreds if not thousands of people in Iran, Iraq, and Syria. the islamophobia in this country is so fucking sickening.

I don’t even remember 9/11, man, i wasnt born yet. I don’t know what kind of patriotism people want me to have for this country when all i ever see it doing is hurting more and more and more innocent people.

I’m not patriotic. I’m not nationalistic. I don’t support my government or my military. I have never been given a reason to. I grew up with the occupation of the middle east, with drone strikes on refugees, with hate crimes on mosques, and with ignorance pronounced in peoples hearts. i have nothing to be proud of. i have nothing to respect.

and yet i still live here. i didn’t choose to be born here yet here i am, in my cushy middle class home with my white-ass skin and american-ass privileges, crying about atrocities a thousand miles away that my own elected people rally and support. what am i doing, man. what right do i have to complain.

i feel both helpless and complicit. it makes me feel that my own issues are insignificant and in the face of these real horrors they are, because who cares about my pronouns or my social life when real families are dying? what in the fuck do i have to complain about? i’ve never not had food or shelter or luxury items. i’ve never lived in want. i have everything and that’s not fair when so many other good people have nothing. what i’d give to give all of my luxuries and niceties away to help just one family survive.

i think they’d deserve it more than i do.

so what did i do? vote, i guess. i’d try to donate but nothing is getting through the border. i’ll carry on in my life, knowing that what i have millions would die for, and continue being ungrateful about living in the USA. i really do hate it here, between the homophobia and transphobia and islamophobia and the christian nationalists and the ignorant masses. talk about first world problems.

woe is me. the White Person is sad. what a hard life i live. boo hoo.

#clownponderings #palestine #free palestine #doomposting

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blue-eyed-bloodstains · 2 years

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Christmas is coming. Who are you buying gifts for? I never have money so Zach buys the gifts and I have no fuckin clue for this year yet... When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? awkward as fuck and caught off guard Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? both actually...so Alexz Johnson and JoJo are my favorite female solo singers, and band wise? Chester in Linkin Park but he’s dead so...David from Disturbed is a big one I guess for band Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? not that I remember but I know my mom kept all my projects and drawings and stuff throughout kindergarten and elementary school in boxes before a hurricane destroyed them in a flood Should guys always kiss the girl on a first date? depends...I usually was that girl and figures, when I decided to not do that anymore happened to be when I had my first date with my now fiance cause sparks were flying like a motherfucker and I just couldn’t stop myself from going for it and neither could he lol Which band has the corniest music videos? Corniest lyrics? I’d have to say Tenacious D but they’re also so creative and unique that I think “corny” isn’t the word for them cause they’re so clever Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? umm I’m not sure I mean I’ve always wanted to learn the guitar, piano, and drums regardless...but as far as songs? more like I’m inspired to wanna be able to play covers of a bunch of my fave songs instrumentally once I learn how to play them, let alone make tunes for my own songs I’ve written over the years too What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever seen as a pet? our landlord owns the biggest raccoon I’ve ever seen in my life...his name is Ziggy and yeah they have him in a giant ass cage but 1) I’ve never seen anyone own a raccoon as a pet, or known if that’s even legal and 2) THE SIZE OF THIS FUCKER! SERIOUSLY! I didn’t know they got that big! What was your favorite computer game as a kid? computer? ohhh The Sims, hands down lol I rarely ever even played it the right way with a person/family...I mostly just made the houses and decorated and stuff :P Have you ever tried on your mom’s wedding ring? she never had one so no... What is your opinion on fruitcake? I don’t think I’ve ever tried one so idk, depending on the cake and how it’s made I’m sure I’d like it Do you know anyone who has a pet bunny? my dad and stepmom have two actually lol one’s a male called Franklin, he’s gray and HUUUUUGE, and the other is white and a girl named Maka (pronounced MUH-KYE) and she’s itty bitty tiny and they’re both soooo cute How do you feel about wolves? they’re beautiful and I always think of Balto lol “I’d be lost without you...” Does the song you’re listening to/last heard evoke any emotion for you? yeah I recently discovered a slower and higher pitched vocal of it on TikTok, the song is Only Love Can Hurt Like This by Paloma Faith Do you use Pinterest? no Do you have a favorite poem? there’s a few, plus I’ve written a few myself so... What is your OTP? Your NoTP? Harry/Hermione, Draco/Hermione from Harry Potter...Jude/Tommy from Instant Star...Klaus/Dave from The Umbrella Academy Do you like beef jerky? hell yes eat it all the time! Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? both Favorite fictional world? Hogwarts If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? I’m not bi or gay so no one What’s one thing you’d like to do more? drink.... Do you own a camera tripod? no Have you ever picked out a song to listen to on a juke box? in an old school diner as a kid probably, yeah Has a Jehovah’s Witness ever showed up on your doorstep? yep several times, never listened just politely declined and closed the door Can you make yourself cry on purpose? yeah cause I got enough trauma to make it happen.... Do you have a retainer glued to the back of your teeth? no Please, tell me, you’ve played any kind of Mario game. of course! 90′s baby! Do you like Nickelback? hell fucking yes! always have since day one, always will and fuck all the haters! What would you do if your first love asked you back out? ......I know better now so I’d say no, especially since I’m engaged to my real true love right now Which parent do you respect the most? next subject... Who do you want with you when you’re scared? definitely Zach (fiance), that is if he’s even home long enough for it... Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? yes, many including myself...it’s fucking hell on both sides, outside looking in and inside struggling yourself and having no control to stop it.. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? no but I’m a gamer, I’d love to just never had the money and never happened to own one that’s all lol Do you have a pet fish? no but as a kid I did try and own a goldfish, didn’t last long :P Have you tried the Beyond or Impossible Burger? Thoughts? I’ve had the Impossible Whopper several times and omfg was it so delicious like you literally couldn’t taste the difference! if anything it tasted way better than the “meat” patty! Have you ever had an aquarium in your house? no but I mean..wouldn’t mind having one except having to clean it lol Are you missing any teeth? yep was literally just talking about this with mom so get out of my head! What was/will be your first tattoo? my first and only tatt (SO FAR!!! NEEEEEEED MORE!) is on my wrist and it’s Harry Potter related. it’s a fan drawn version of the Deathly Hallows symbol, the word ‘always’ (Snape’s answer about Lily for you fans who know ;) ) in cursive underneath the triangle, and above the triangle three stars which are at the top corners in all the books Do you have any tattoos dedicated to someone special? not really look above, only have one so far and it’s nerdy not sentimental to this extent What is the next piercing you want to get? ooooh, umm I guess more for my ears since I have the generic first/one piercing in each ear so I’d like to punch in a few more going up my ears for more earring options Do you like ghost stories? hell yeah I love all of them! some may scare the shit outta me and traumarize the fuck out of me but still worth it Do you like to give people jump-scares? I hate them myself so even if I wanted to I’d never be able to think of one to do tot someone else lol Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? ha...yeah I grew up experiencing them so history repeats itself and I’ve followed the pattern sometimes... What website could you not live without? hmm years ago I’d say this but now I’d have to say Youtube Have you ever slept nude? I never did growing up but once I met Zach, he got me to try it...I don’t it regularly but every now and then I will and he made me feel confident enough to do it so it’s nice once in awhile but normally I have at least something on Do you have any distinctive birthmarks? I was born with one but it was a basal cell (cancerous tumor) on my forehead that I got removed at around 10 years old and got the huge scar across my forehead to show for it but regular birthmark? no Who is a famous person you could see yourself reading an autobiography about? Eminem for sure, and Alexz Johnson for reasons... What is the best horror movie, in your opinion? oh lord I’m a horror movie freak so it’s impossible to narrow down the list of faves Describe yourself with 3 fictional characters. Hermione Granger, Jude Harrison, and Grace from the show Saving Grace (Holly Hunter plays Grace) When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? oh lord ummm idk...I guess just me going back through pics on FB of him What colour is your front door? off white Have you ever had a white hot chocolate? What did you think? yeah way too sweet and very filling Do you enjoy corn on the cob? hell yes! I fuckin love it! Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes for someone underage? no and I would never do that If you use Snapchat, have you ever had a screenshot taken of you? yep... Do you own an Xbox? no but I wish I did Has anyone done anything nice for you today? it’s 9:21pm and not really....I mean phone calls I guess from mom and texting Zach, my fiance who I live with but other than that nope

The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? step sis and Christmas, she kept raving about how good I looked and was being sober for the first time in years for a holiday and kept hugging me...I loved it :D Have you ever been so lonely, you cried? all the time... If you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom? of course we can’t handle a baby right now for multiple reasons it wouldn’t be fair to the baby.... What would you do if you found out your last ex is engaged? I already have...and I surprisingly was finally okay with it.years ago I wouldn’t be Do you get along with your significant other’s family? omg of course! I love his folks so much and vise versa! they’re so supportive and so amazing I love them to dearh man! . How would you feel if a girl asked your boyfriend out for a drink? fiance and hell no...given my past experience/history of being cheated on, no way in hell. I trust him to death, don’t get me wrong so I know he’d never do this in my heart, but at the same time I know everyone has their limits so I still worry regardless... Who’s the last person you talked to about sex? wtf lol umm I guess mom? over the phone it was brought up with a joke so How long did it take you to get over your last ex? ....let’s not go here right now...

Who is the best female rocker? Why? musically? oh god so many lol Amy Lee from Evanescence, Hayley from Paramore, Taylor from The Pretty Reckless, etc Can you even taste a difference between Cheez-Its and Cheez Nips? actually yeah you can lol What color of roses do you find the prettiest? my personal fave are white roses so..white is a color even in crayons Have you ever seen an unwrapped mummy in person? no thank god

#survey #about me #bored

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 3 years

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If I Fell For You (Part 16) - Drowning

Summary: The reader’s night goes from bad to awful fast but thankfully Jensen shows up at the last second to stop things from getting any worse. But the guilt the reader feels over trying to end things with Jensen to protect him starts to become too much...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 5,600ish

Warnings: language, being drunk, minor violence, scary situations, angst, fighting, fluff, offscreen death of minor character, anxiety, panic attack, minor injury

A/N: This chapter is a whirlwind! Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

________

It was a close to an hour later and you were halfway through a bottle of bourbon, laying on the back porch of your mom’s house, staring at the rafters and debating finishing off the whole thing.

“Y/N?” you heard. Your skin crawled as you sat up, spotting your father at the other end of the wrap around. “Are you drunk?”

“This would be an appropriate time to tell you that yes, I am and I also have this,” you said, reaching behind your and picking up a hunting rifle. “I might be plastered but I think that’ll only improve my aim. I’ll be nice and shoot for your balls first.”

“You got so much wrong about me kid.”

You fired a shot near his feet and he held up his hands.

“Why don’t you go jump off a bridge or some shit,” you said.

“Y/N.”

You pulled the trigger as he took a step forward and he jumped when it hit the window nearby. You pulled again but it just clicked as he walked closer.

“Your new momma never taught you that kind of rifle only has two shots, did she,” he said. You tried to stand but got way too dizzy and fell down.

“Well I can still tear you apart with my teeth,” you said.

“You’re drunk and judging by your face, very upset. What happened to that boy you were with? I didn’t see him when I looked around.”

“Touch me and that boy will rip your head off.”

“This doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” he said, stepping far too close for your liking. You swung the rifle at him but he caught it and kicked the bottle away before you could get at it. “All grown up. Probably enjoy it now.”

You crawled back as far as you could, eyes darting behind him when you saw movement. You barely caught the brown hair and green eyes before your father was face first on the porch. You tried to stand but he yanked on your ankle and pulled you down hard. It took a long time to peel open your eyes again, your father now at Jensen’s feet. Jensen pushed down on his back while he talked on the phone to someone and it didn’t take long to hear sirens in the distance.

“For the record,” said Jensen as he walked over to you and crouched down, his belt around your father’s wrists, “I didn’t believe you for a second. Oh and you’re a dumbass but you’re my dumbass. Forever. Got it?”

“I couldn’t…” you trailed off. He nodded and took off his flannel, wrapping it over your shoulders. “I knew he would do something and I couldn’t have him near the kids or know they exist. I couldn’t-”

“I know, honey,” he said. “But don’t you dare ever do anything like that again.”

You put your head down sniffled, dizzy still as he rubbed your back before going back to watching your dad.

It took an hour or so before you could go home and you were sober enough to stand on your own.

“Can I ask why you made the executive decision that you did?” asked Jensen, holding your arm loosely as you got into his car to head back.

“Because I’m stupid,” you said dryly from the passenger seat as he turned on his SUV.

“I mean more so why didn’t you come to me if you were scared? Why make up a lie?”

“You did let me go. You must have believed me at least for a few seconds,” you said.

“No, I actually didn’t.”

“You let me go.”

He was quiet until you got close to the brewery, Jensen pulling off onto the plot of land he owned next to it. You leaned your head against the cold window and he turned off the engine.

“This whole, tired, don’t talk to me attitude right now? Been there. Lived it. I know it’s bullshit.”

“You let me leave so you did believe me so-” you said, Jensen pressing a finger to your lips.

“I am certain of very few things and you are one of them. I let you go so I could figure out what scared you so badly you’d lie, to me. There’s only one thing I can think of so before you even had a foot out of that house, I was calling people and I got put on with Detective Finn who worked your case as a kid and I find out that dick for brains sack of shit just moved practically down the street from us. It does not take a genius to put the pieces together.”

“Fine! I did it in some stupid attempt to protect you,” you said. You glared at him and he shook his head. “What?”

“I’m not gonna get mad at you.” You put your head back on the window and stared out to the dark trees, sniffling some. “Why do you want me to be angry with you?”

“Uh because I didn’t forget to turn on the washing machine or leave on a light. I lied. I lied so big that-”

“You lied to protect your family from a monster. Do I wish you had told me? Yes. But I fuck up so much and you’ve never once been angry with me for making a mistake and I’ll never be angry with you for making one either. I know you want me to be angry with you, feel like you should be punished for what you imagine is hurting me. But you didn’t hurt me, Y/N. You didn’t and I know you get that because so many times you’ve been on the other side of this and I know you’ve never once thought, oh yeah Jensen’s a piece of shit, let him really have it. No. Just no. So I’m not getting mad at you and I don’t know what to fucking say to make you feel better like you always do me and I’m so sorry he got so close to hurting you again. But I’m really good at fighting monsters in this family. So please next time, I don’t care if you’re scared of the bug on the wall or you think someone’s outside the house or what it is. If you’re scared, tell me and I’ll do my best to make it go away, I promise.”

“What do you do when you want to hate yourself for being an idiot?” you asked quietly. You heard him shift in his seat and you shut your eyes, the sound of a door opening and then another. Strong arms wrapped around you and you buried your face in his chest.

“I try to treat myself as kindly as she does. She would never hate me and she hates when I’m in pain. I see it all over her face. So I try to cut myself some slack and ask myself if she would hate me and when I realize no, I’m forced to forgive myself and it normally takes a few hours but it works pretty good. A lot of hugs and cuddling don’t hurt either.”

“Thank you for stopping him.”

“Don’t.”

“Thank you. I owe you so, so much.”

“You don’t owe me a damn thing. We got each other’s backs and that’s all there is to it. I’m just sad I missed you trying to shoot his dick off.”

“How did you know where to find me?”

“Find my iPhone. Also I figured that was a good place to check,” he said. “I would have been here sooner if Jared didn’t drive like a tortoise over to the house to watch the kids.”

“I’m sorry I scared you...and you had to do that tonight.”

“Oh punching your father was a personal highlight for me. Trust me,” he said. He stroked your cheek and you turned into the touch, eyes squeezing shut. “You’re safe.”

“He’s going to get out on bail and-”

“And we have a very good lawyer. Oh, and I know the mayor so fuck his ass, he’s not getting bail.”

You buried your face once again and he put a finger under your chin, lifting it up.

“You’re still scared.”

“He’s gonna get arrested for what, trespassing? Attempted assault? I was drunk and shot at him. He can spin it. He can spin it and be out on the street like that.”

“I’m going to ask the lawyer to do something else, something that maybe can take care of that problem.”

“What?”

“Once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit. He’s been gone for fifteen years. I have this bad feeling you weren’t the only one. Or even before that.”

“Or maybe he just hates me.”

“You don’t have to be scared. I’m gonna take care of it.”

“Jensen, I know you don’t have to worry about the money but it might still not be enough.”

“It’s enough,” he said. “Or else next time I’ll be the one with the rifle.”

“You would kill him?”

“Honestly? Yeah if it came to it. I wish people like him died in car crashes, not innocent ones. We have every right to protect ourselves and our family and I’m not letting him touch the kids or you ever.”

“I should probably say that’s bad but I don’t disagree.”

“Money works a lot. A real lot. Maybe he did something super bad and he can rot in prison forever.”

“Maybe,” you said, spotting a cruiser pull up nearby.

“Stay here, sweetie,” he said. He walked over while the officer got out. He spoke to Jensen for a moment, Jensen’s face a bit blank when he turned around.

“What’s wrong?”

“Your dad had a heart attack in the backseat,” said Jensen quietly. You cocked your head and he shook his. “Your father. In the police cruiser that was taking him for booking. He was just pronounced.”

“He died?”

“He was really overweight and didn’t look to be in the best health. He probably got his heart rate up too high and...the officer said he’d escort us home, stay outside the house for the night, calm our nerves.”

“He’s really dead?” you asked. You looked over at the officer and he came over, giving you a quick smile. “He really died?”

“Yes mam.”

“What...happens now?” you asked.

“We’ll file the report but you don’t necessarily need to press charges anymore. You’re next of kin as far as we’re aware so the body…” he trailed off when he looked at you. “We can talk about this with your lawyer.”

“Thanks,” said Jensen. “We’ll be on the road in a minute.”

The officer climbed back in his cruiser, Jensen leaning against the doorframe. He tucked your hair behind your ear, letting out a deep breath.

“Y/N,” he said. He stroked your cheek, your head turning up. “What is it, honey?”

“I don’t feel bad at all. I’m actually happy. That kinda is freaking me out a little. You shouldn’t be happy someone died.”

“Most people you’re right, you shouldn’t. But there are exceptions. He tormented you. He harassed you. He came after our family. I’m gonna sleep just fine tonight knowing he’s never coming back in our lives.”

“Were you scared of him?” He ducked his head down and you took hold of his hand. “Jensen.”

“Put it this way, I’d protect my family by any means necessary. What scares me was what if I was five minutes later tonight. Ten minutes. My job is to protect you and especially from monsters like that.”

“I’m a big girl Jensen. You don’t have to protect me from anything.”

“Yes I do, just like if it were me in your shoes I know you’d have done the same exact thing. We protect each other. It’s not because I’m the guy or I’m stronger. You’re my family and that’s what we do.”

“Thank you for protecting me and forgiving me for being stupid earlier,” you said. He smiled and nodded.

“You’re my dumbass and I’m yours,” he said. “Want to go home now?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I really do.”

“He’s really gonna spend the night?” you asked half an hour later in bed, Jensen shutting the door after himself. “He knows there’s a cop outside, right?”

“What can I say, Jared...he thinks of you like a little sister,” he said. “I can’t blame him for being protective.”

“I’ll be right back,” you said. You climbed out of bed and went downstairs, the light dim aside from where Jared was reading on the couch, a blanket over his legs. He looked over the top of the book and set it down, sitting up.

“Everything alright?” he asked. You smiled and took a seat on the edge of the couch, pulling him into a hug.

“Thanks for staying,” you said, a pair of large arms wrapped around your back.

“Of course.”

“You do know there’s nobody to bother us now, right?”

“I know. Some peace of mind never hurt anybody though,” he said. “Go on back to your fiance. You guys had a rough night.”

“Yeah,” you said, closing your eyes. “Thanks.”

He kissed your temple and you returned to your room, Jensen pulling you under the covers. You let out a deep breath, turning into his side.

“Here,” he said. He started to take off his bracelet but you shook your head.

“It’s yours, Jensen. I feel safe, I promise.”

“You’re tense still, honey.”

“Still working on that not being so angry at myself thing,” you said. He smiled and kissed you quickly, laying an arm over your waist. “I know what you said but I still want you to be pissed at me for lying.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“But-”

“You didn’t hurt me, Y/N and you know what? Sometimes, you’re gonna hurt me and I’m gonna hurt you. We’ll have bad days and get annoyed with one another. I’ll leave dishes in the sink and make a mess of the closet. You’ll chew with your mouth open and never fill up your car with gas until it’s too low. We’re not perfect. But even if we do hurt each other, we forgive each other because that’s what you do. We’re not always gonna like each other and what we do but we’ll always love each other. I don’t want to be mad at you. I want you to feel safe and know that I understand why you did what you did. I do. Please try to let it go, for me.”

“I am trying,” you said quietly. You shut your eyes and turned away, his arm over you pulling you back against his chest. “You’re normal. I can’t just stop hating myself like that.”

“You think I’m normal?” he chuckled. “Me?”

“Did you ever have to punch Dee’s psycho father? Did you ever have to talk about protecting her? Did she ever put your family in danger? Did she ever-”

“Y/N.”

“Go away,” you said, pushing his arm off of you. You moved over farther on your side of the bed, tucking your covers under your chin. The bed shifted and you tried to move again but his arm pulled you straight back to his chest, fingers dipping under your ribcage and holding you in place.

“I might not have had to have done those things for her but I would have. For the record, you didn’t put anyone in danger. That fucking asshole did. It is not your fault he was an evil and vile person. All you did was try to protect us because you were scared and I know, I know you didn’t tell me because you’re so scared of that man and I don’t blame you. He made my skin crawl and I interacted with him for all of five minutes. Get it out of your system however you need to but you are stuck with me forever. There is nothing you could do to make me want you gone so get used to it.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this,” you breathed out. You pulled your sheets over your head, taking deep heaving breaths. “You have so much to worry about already. You shouldn’t have to…”

“Did you think I couldn’t handle the news?” he asked. “That your father was so close by?”

“I thought you’d hate me,” you whispered. He tugged down your sheets and you squeezed your eyes shut as he turned you around.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Now you’re angry.”

“Look at me.” You forced them open, meeting a soft face and sad eyes. “Why would I ever hate you?”

“My shit’s supposed to stay in the past. You don’t…” you said, Jensen furrowing his brow. “See, you’re mad.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Your shit stays in the past.”

“It means you’ve had the world’s worst fucking year and you’re in such a good place now and you need to focus on you and not have my shit come in and fuck that up.”

“Do you think I can’t take care of you?” he asked.

“No of course not.”

“It sounds like you’re saying that you think you can’t have problems cause I can’t handle it.”

“Well at least I got what I wanted with you pissed,” you said, glaring up at him, tears welling in your eyes. You tried to push away but he held his arm around you. “Jensen, let me up.” You pushed again and he glared right back. “Stop it. Let me out of bed.” He only glared and you tore your eyes away from his face.

“Do you think I’m weak?”

“No,” you said, keeping your head low.

“Then why-”

“Because you need a fucking break. I dealt with this shit years and years ago. I understand needing a fucking break and people need to take care of you, help you. You’re a different man than the one I met way back in January. You’re so happy and healthy and you have a different outlook on life again and that’s incredible. I’m so proud of you for that. But you’re just, just out of the woods and I’m not gonna be the one that sends you back in because of my fucking problems.”

“They’re our fucking problems,” he said. “Our problems. There’s no your problems or my problems anymore. It’s us together. Why do you think I’d hate you?”

“Jensen,” you said, pushing on his chest. “Stop.”

“Why?”

“I said stop!”

“Tell me.”

“Because I’m scared,” you said. He let his hold go lax and you sat up, getting out of bed. You walked over to the balcony door and rested your forehead against the cool glass. The bed creaked and you felt his presence behind you.

“You’re scared of me.” You scrunched up your face and nodded. “Why?”

“Because if you realized how fucked up I am, you wouldn’t come near me with a ten foot pole. I’m not supposed to cause you problems. I’m supposed to fix them, be there for you.”

“But I can’t be there for you. You assume I’m just a dick where it’s only me and my shit that we can work on right?” he said.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Relationships go both ways, Y/N. I don’t expect you to take care of me for the rest of my life. You are allowed to need help too.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, you don’t understand,” he said, grabbing your arm and spinning you around. He was frowning, his voice an octave higher if you didn’t know any better. “Do you honestly think I would have been angry at you if you told me about your father being in town? Do you?”

“I put the kids-”

“For the last time, you didn’t put anyone in danger,” he growled. “What is going on with you?”

“How many times do I have to say it, I’m not supposed to cause any problems!” you said.

“Yes you are! You, me, the kids. We’re all gonna have fucking problems sooner or later. Why do you think I’d hate you for telling me you had a problem, sweetheart?”

You fidgeted with the bottom of your shirt, looking past him.

“Something with your dad, isn’t it. Something got triggered in you after that phone call with the detective, didn’t it.”

“Call Ray. Tell him to come over,” you said quietly. He nodded and grabbed his phone, sending off a quick message before he was guiding you to sit on the bed.

“Honey,” he said when you pulled away from him. “Okay, no touching. Can I get you anything while we wait for Ray?”

“Probably should tell that cop that we’re expecting someone,” you said, rubbing your hands against your thighs. “Fuck, tell Ray it’s the help thing. He’ll understand.”

“Okay,” he said with a nod. You rubbed your legs harder and he stared at you. “Y/N.”

“I’m trying not to have a panic attack,” you grit out. “I haven’t had one since I was eight.”

Your head was turned and you felt his hands on your cheeks, Jensen forcing a smile. You stared for a long beat before you took a breath, his head nodding.

“That feels better,” you said, your hands not rubbing so hard. You heard feet and the door open, glancing behind Jensen to catch Jared in the doorway. You could feel your heart rate pick up, Jared nodding.

“I get panic attacks too,” he said. You nodded and Jensen glanced over his shoulder. “I heard arguing.”

“Can you tell that cop outside Ray is coming by and to let him in?” said Jensen.

“Sure. Who’s Ray?” asked Jared.

“Her mom’s old boyfriend and foster dad. He was her therapist when she was little. Something’s not right,” said Jensen.

“I’ll send him up as soon as he gets here.”

You felt calmer by the time Ray was walking in fifteen minutes later in sweats and not much more.

“Hey kiddo,” said Ray, giving you a quick hug before he squatted down in front of you. “Doing okay?”

You shook your head and shut your eyes, Jensen holding an arm around you. He explained what happened, Ray staying quiet. You eventually opened your eyes to stare at the floor, Ray standing and pulling over the bench from the end of the bed to sit on.

“Y/N do you want Jensen to stay?” he asked. You nodded and he hummed. “Y/N.”

“Yes,” you said dryly. “Can I have some water?”

Jensen got up and retrieved a glass from the bathroom, the pair of them watching you chug half of it down before you sat it on the nightstand.

“Y/N, does Jensen know what triggered you?” he asked.

“Not specifically. Asking for help he figured out but not the reason,” you said, looking away.

“Well on the bright side, you didn’t have a panic attack, you worked through it, you trusted Jensen to help you through it even if he didn’t know why and some of your coping skills helped you out quite a bit. But this is something Jensen needs to know. You’ll need help in a relationship and I know this is the big one but he needs to know so this never happens again,” said Ray.

“What if he thinks I overreacted?” you said.

“I won’t, trust me,” said Jensen. “Secret’s safe with me.”

“Go on, Y/N,” said Ray. You took a deep breath and Jensen held your hand, stroking his thumb over the back.

“So you kinda figured out that me having a problem was the trigger and that I didn’t ask for your help earlier and kinda assumed a bad reaction if I did.”

“Yup and that’s all okay,” he said softly.

“It wasn’t because of you that I assumed you’d have a bad reaction. It was something that happened to me that sort of...default my head to react and anticipate things in a certain way in that particular situation.”

“So if you have a problem and ask for help, you assume the person you’re asking for help from will not take it in a good way?” he asked.

“Yeah, basically. If it’s a really big problem and if I anticipate that the problem would upset the person I’m asking then my head assumes this bad thing will happen. In that case, it assumes the much better option is to not reveal the problem at all and handle it myself because then the bad thing won’t happen,” you said.

“The bad thing. It’s bad isn’t it,” he said. “Really bad.”

“Y/N, remember you can share without the graphics involved,” said Ray. You nodded and leaned your head back.

“When I was six I broke something of my dad’s. A mug. His favorite mug. I picked up the pieces but I knew it was his favorite so I didn’t throw it out. I asked him for help putting it back together,” you said. “The amount of rage he had over a broken mug...I never experienced such a horrible day in all eight years as that one.”

He didn’t say anything and you tucked your feet up, holding one up to him and showing the bottom. He stared at it and cocked his head, narrowing his eyes. It took him a moment but you saw when he noticed the small little scars. His eyes flickered back to yours and you nodded.

“He hurt me badly,” you said. “All day long.” He stared at you and you told him exactly the way the scars came to be, Jensen shuddering and closing his eyes. “It wasn’t a good day.”

“Fuck,” he said, standing up and rubbing his arm. “You were six?”

He shook his head and went to the balcony door, taking a deep breath.

“Jensen. You alright?” asked Ray.

“No,” he said, turning around, looking to you. “That many times?”

“One for every broken piece,” you said. He ran his hands over his face and shut his eyes. “The worst thing was just that it went on all day. It was long enough for me to interpret it as conditioning for a result of an event rather than just a bad memory from everything me and Ray worked out back in the day. It hasn’t been a trigger for me ever really but we knew it could be someday for a big life problem potentially. I’m guessing with it involving my dad, it kinda sent me into overdrive earlier.”

“Jensen,” said Ray, shooting you a quick glance. “Y/N’s okay. I’m actually quite impressed with her behavior. There was no hesitancy or waiver in her voice. I don’t feel as though this will likely be an issue ever again now that it’s out in the open and her father is gone.”

“You’re the closest thing to a father she’s ever had,” said Jensen, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know every horrible thing that’s happened to her and, and you just...all you did was throw him out of the country for fifteen years?”

“First off, the law was different back then and it was a lifetime ban. Second of all, buddy, violence isn’t always the answer to violence,” said Ray, getting to his feet.

“You should have adopted her.”

“She didn’t want me to.”

“You were the damn adult. She was the kid. Act like one,” said Jensen. “I mean fuck, you adopted two other kids only a few years later.”

“If I had adopted her you wouldn’t even know she fucking exists,” shot back Ray. “Her father still would have come back and this would have happened regardless.”

“You should have done what you needed to the second he popped up again when she was a teenager.”

“I did not strike you as a violent man but I do not like it.”

“She was almost assaulted by that man again tonight,” growled Jensen. “He tortured her and tormented her and he got barely any time at all for that. I would have-”

“Why’d you call the police then?” he asked. Jensen swallowed and Ray shrugged. “Why back at the farmhouse did you call the police? You could have killed him, called it self-defense and been done with it. Why?”

Jensen looked down and Ray sighed.

“The price for being a good person is making hard decisions, Jensen. Would I have loved to have rid the world of that son of a bitch the second I learned all about him? Oh you don’t know the half of it. I’m a trauma therapist, Jensen. Mostly for kids and teenagers. Do you know how much fucked up shit I’ve heard in my life? The world has so much ugliness in it. But it’s got good too and that’s why you called the police like you were supposed to and that’s why she loves you. She needs a good man, not a violent one. I’m not saying don’t think about protecting your family. But don’t act on it unless you don’t have a fucking choice, kid. Understand me?”

Jensen nodded and Ray cleared his throat.

“Say it.”

“Yes, sir,” said Jensen quietly.

“Ray, don’t get mad at him. He’s not used to this stuff,” you said. You stood and pulled Jensen back to the bed, Ray crossing his arms and nodding. “If I ever feel this happening again, what should I do?”

“You could work on reconditioning instead,” said Ray. “Work on saying I have a problem to Jensen and ask for help, even if there isn’t a problem. If Jensen responds positively or even neutrally and you two work at it maybe an hour or so a day for the next week or two, I don’t think you’ll ever have to be afraid of that trigger coming back. All of your triggers Y/N have involved your father. I know similarities can set you off but they’re small, manageable. You never have to worry about anyone hurting you ever again.”

“I know. I should have trusted my partner to have my back,” you said.

“I don’t blame you. I didn’t before and I definitely don’t now,” said Jensen. Ray smiled and pulled the bench back over to the bed.

“Get some rest you two,” he said.

“Ray?” you said after he gave you a hug. “Why didn’t you adopt me?”

“Honestly?” he asked. You nodded, Jensen preening his ears. “You reminded me so much of your mother and I was devastated when we lost her. I should have been the adult and done what was right but after seeing her in pain for years...I didn’t have it in me to take on a grieving teenager that would have been just as angry back at me. She already was so angry then, I would have put fuel on the flames. I didn’t have it in me to be strong anymore and that’s my mistake for not trying.”

“You can adopt adults,” said Jensen. You both looked at him and he smiled. “Adults can be adopted.”

“Not sure if…” trailed off Ray as you smiled at him. “Y/N, we’ve only just started talking again.”

“Maybe if that keeps going well...maybe things could...work out…” you said. “If you wanted.”

“Yeah, maybe we can do that,” he said with a smile. “It’s getting late. Put her to bed. Don’t be surprised if there’s a nightmare or two tonight.”

“Okay. Thank you,” said Jensen as Ray started to leave.

“Take care of her kid,” he said. Jensen nodded and you lay back in bed, the house growing quiet.

“I’m so sorry,” said Jensen, his head lowering after a few moments. “I should have realized…”

“You did realize,” you said, sitting up. “Even when my head couldn’t come out and say I trust you and I know I’m acting a certain way because of what my dad put me through, you stayed calm and figured it out. You got nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry he hurt you. I got to pretend to be a cowboy and my dad read me stories when I was six. The worst thing I ever got was a few smacks but I know he regrets doing that,” he said. “Even then it was because I was acting out not…I just don’t understand why he would ever hurt you.”

“I stopped trying to understand him a long time ago,” you said, the door opening. You both turned, Arrow walking in with a pair of wet eyes. “You have a nightmare, sweetie?”

“I went…to the bathroom…” she said when you noticed her holding her wrist. Jensen hopped up and walked over, picking her up gently and setting her beside you. “I fell down off the step stool. It was wet.”

“Tell me what hurts,” he said.

“My hand,” she said.

“Let daddy see,” you said. She moved her hand back and you both saw her wrist was swollen and bruised. Jensen swore under his breath and guided her hand back on it. “Okay, you hold it if it feels better that way, honey. Daddy, I think Arrow should go to urgent care.”

“Arrow, why don’t you go get your dolly and we’ll bring her with us. We might have to wait a minute,” he said. “Be careful okay? I’ll come get you in just a minute.”

“Mommy?” she asked, staring up at you.

“Mommy’s really tired-” said Jensen when you stood up.

“Uncle Jared is staying over though, daddy. Go get your dolly and mommy and daddy will get dressed,” you said. She sniffled but climbed down okay, Jensen sighing when she left the room. “She wants me there and I want to be there. I’m going.”

“Alright but you’re going to try and get some sleep in the waiting room at least, please.”

“No promises.”

________

A/N: Read Part 17 here!

#spn #supernatural #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen x reader #jensen series #rpf #rpf series #spn fanfic #jensen ackles fanfic #supernatural fanfic

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