#so im good on dating and relationships. id rather be alone than to have that possibility | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shotforfavor · 1 year

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assigning a mychem song to each tma entity :o)

i dont have anything for dark and buried. umm. also i dont know how to put a cut in a post sorry

corruption- demolition lovers. the relationship isnt good for either of them, but hes still willing to die for her ("im trying to let you know just how much you mean to me, after all the things we put each other through") all of his expressions of love for her are violent in nature ("id end my days with you in a hail of bullets" "you're the only one, like a bed of roses theres a dozen reasons in this gun") their love is built on violence, its hurting both of them, yet he still wants to die with her to prove his love and devotion to her

desolation- early sunsets over monroeville. life is perfect, him and his lover are on a mall date, feels like a movie. ("then holding hands and life was perfect") then it all comes crumbling down out of nowhere when a zombie outbreak kinda thing happens and said lover is bit. ("not knowing you'd change from just one bite, i fought them all off just to hold you close") he can't exactly leave the mall he's hiding in, ("trapped in by all these mountains") and now he has to kill the one good thing he has left. then he's just defeated. he has nothing else worth living for. "but does anything matter if you're already dead?"

end- the end. obvz. "when i grow up i want to be nothing at all" most of the song to me is him expressing he wants to die/he knows hes going to, and he takes it very casually, buttttt the very end of the song... "save me, get me the hell out of here, save me, too young to die my dear, you cant take me" hes afraid of death when actually facing it

extinction- scarecrow. this ones about a nuclear bomb and trying to run from your death and look at things positively even though you know everyones going to die. but theres kind of an acceptance at the end- "love wont stop this bomb, run, run, bunny, run" after this point, the only lyrics are saying to run and hide. no more "i'll keep you safe tonight", no more romanticism that makes the destruction sound poetic and almost beautiful. just running and hiding and hoping someone makes it out alive

eye- teenagers. me personally i think this one fits. "because they sleep with a gun and keep an eye on you, son, so they can watch all the things you do" he feels like he's constantly being watched by the adults in his life, and they're just waiting for him to make one wrong move that they can use to justify calling him a bad person. he stands out, his classmates make fun of him and spread rumors about him. in the context of the song, the lyrics are all rebelling against all of this, but on their own, they sound very paranoid about what others think of them

flesh- cancer. i think this one works, the patient expresses a lot of hatred for what his body is becoming due to the disease in verse 2 especially. "turn away, cause im awful just to see" its got the aspects of insecurity and physical change out of ones control characteristic of the flesh.

hunt- vampires will never hurt you. this one isnt really a fear of being prey, but rather his fear of becoming the hunter. "can you stake my heart?" "i'll never let them hurt you, i promise" he feels that his vampirism is a different side of him completely, one thats out of his control. he'd rather be killed now than lose control and make his loved ones his prey.

lonely- ghost of you. he lost someone important, and he can't stop thinking about it and replaying their memories in his head because he doesn't want to forget them, but dwelling is only making him miss them more. ("if i died, we'd be together now, i can't always just forget her") he just replays her death over and over in his head, constantly reminded that he's now alone. ("i remember now, at the top of my lungs in my arms, she dies" "all the things that you never ever told me, all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me, never coming home, never coming home")

slaughter- mama. i mean its literally about a soldier who did awful things during a war and his mother can't help but hate him for it. "but there's shit that i've done with this fuck of a gun, you would cry out your eyes all along" he acknowledges that he fought his hardest because he thought he'd die at war ("so raise your glass high, for tomorrow we die") and his mother would be even more terrified of him than she already is if she knew the full extent of it. the song even ends with her sobbing

spiral- drowning lessons. after the death of his lover, he is haunted by a manifestation of his guilt that takes her form and makes him relive the day over and over again ("lets say goodbye a hundredth time and then tomorrow, we'll do it again"). he desperately wants it to go away but his own mind wont leave him be ("without a sound, i wish you away" "i adore every inch of sanity, all im asking for"). a lot of things in the song also sound like hes experiencing visions of her death, twisted by his brain- describing her as a "twisted shell" and saying "these hands, stained red from all the times that ive killed you"

stranger- blood. i dont know this one just really fits to me? "well they encourage your complete cooperation, send you roses when they think you need to smile" "so give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff, give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough" does this not give the image of like weirdly happy all the time doctors who keep doing procedures on you but you dont know like what exactly they're doing ever. also the very fun chipper tone and its contrast with the disturbing lyrics is very stranger core to me

vast- disenchanted. this one might be a stretch? after all his attempts to make life meaningful, he's left thoroughly disappointed. he realizes at the end of his life that everything has all been meaningless. he thinks life itself is overrated.

web- the jetset life is gonna kill you. this ones about drug addiction but the song portrays that as a woman who's controlling his life. "gaze into her killing jar, id sometimes stare for hours" she has him completely trapped and in the palm of her hand. "alright, she wants it all to come down this time"

very much willing to discuss any of these

#the magnus archives #tma #my chemical romance #mcr #mychem #eyetalk #crossover of the century #i just have to combine my hyperfixations or i die #and i love a bit of song lyric analysis

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louiemutton · 1 year

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aro talk vent post!!!! pls do not reblog thanks

tumblr has become my go to place to vent i am very sorry to my followers!!! i have to word vomit somewhere tho and the bestie is working so..... tumblr it is

figuring out im aro has been. complicated. i am happy to mimic alloromantic feelings and vibes because like. i don't want to be alone? and i think at my core i'm willing to do whatever it takes in order to avoid being alone, so if the person i feel close to wants a romantic relationship then i'm down for that! and so much of society is alloromantic that like. that happens a lot. im generally comfortable with it even if i dont really reciprocate the feelings. i think im gonna try to stop doing this maybe but also? lmao its me, i probably won't realistically.

anyways, enter the term qpps. i came into contact with my first real awareness of qpps like a year ago? but like. hearing more about them i don't even know if i experience that or not? because for me, being qpps is all about just. being best friends but staying together. basically what polyam folk call nesting partners, but platonic

but i was thinking about it and like. i don't even really want a nesting partner. i more so want a roommate/best friend to live with for the rest of my life. i don't mind dating outside of that but im mad uncomfortable living with my romantic partners because of the volatility of romance in general. i will if forced into the situation but like preferably id like to live separately but still nearby. (solo polyam ftw)

but the thing that gets my goat each and every time is that i will do literally whatever it takes not to be abandoned and like. i'm not even always aware of it? i will ignore my own boundaries and incoming red flags bc i just. hate being by myself. but at this point so many people have said "i'll never leave your side" and then left anyways that im getting better at not falling for that tbh.

tldr; i dunno i just want a platonic roommate best friend who won't abandon me and i don't know if that counts as qpp or not (maybe??) but im at least. kind of figuring out what i want my future to look like and drawing boundaries of what i'm actually comfortable with rather than just jumping into whatever i think will make my partners happy or whoever won't just abandon me five seconds in

i do not know how to move forward from this but. its good to at least be aware of it i think.

#tater talks

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takasgf · 9 months

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the more time i spend here the more angy i get. whatever, answered s/i questions under the cut

Original post

1) other than with your f/o(s), how are your insert’s relationships with other characters like? have they made any close friends or enemies+ how did that happen?

Being part of the Guardians' team, she's pretty good friends with all of them. She can get into arguments with Q.uill once in a while, but usually they all get along. Before joining the team, she used to be absolute besties with OG G.root. She's also very close to N.ebula, due to all the time spent during the blip with her and R.ocket. Her only "enemy" for that matter would be my oc, Aeneas, but once he drops the "overthrowing the monarchy by marrying the princess" act, they become friends again.

2) what about their reputation, are they well known outside of their circle? what do others initially think or assume about them?

"Morgen Krantz, fugitive princess of Zteamer. That's a mouthful. " Most people see her for her princess title, assigning her the stereotypical traits of a princess (spoiled, arrogant, pretentious etc.) and even mocking or belittling her, reminding of the failure that her species had become. Those in the art world are more familiar with her interests, but still reduce her pieces and artworks to her name rather than actual skill. She is not hated, but most dont think highly of her either. Those who are familiar with her father or have business relationships with her planet respect her and try not to get on her bad side, so that they wont have to suffer the consequences.

3) what were your f/o(s) first impression of them? vice versa, what was your insert’s first impression of your f/o(s)?

He was rather annoyed at her inability to shut up. He felt bad for her somehow and didnt want to bring her back to Zteamer, as he realised she doesnt deserve to be deprived of freedom. But hell he was annoyed with her for the first few days. He obviously grew very fond of her and wouldnt let anyone dangerous hurt her, but it took him some time to accept her with all her quirks. She was incredibly kind and warm to him from the very beginning. She admired him and saw him as her hero for saving her - but she wanted to impress him and prove herself as a valluable member of his team. Her insecurity faded over time after they joined the Guardians, but she still wanted him to think that she was "cool".

4) what’s one thing you and your self insert(s) have in common?

Appearence! We look the same except for the eyes and maybe hair because i just got a really ugly haircut. But id say we look fairly similar :3

5) what’s one thing you and your self insert(s) don’t have in common?

Morgen is a vegetarian. I could never. I love shrimp too much. Also charcuterie boards and bbq and salmon and pork paté. I cant give those up, sorry girl.

6) what is your insert’s moral alignment?

Im not going to take the quiz because im lazy but from description only i'd say chaotic good? Just like Froggy

7) give us a little bit of information about your insert! could be basic (name, age, height), stuff relevant to the source (abilities, class type, affiliations, etc.) or just fun facts you really want to talk about!

Errrr she is Morgen Krantz (actually thought about naming her Mörgen to differentiate it from the canon character named Morgan but i decided against it; i can only hope people understand its MY self insert.....), her age ranges from 17-32 (17 when she left her planet, she's 20 in vol 1 and vol 2, 24 in IW when she starts dating Rocky, 29 in EG, 32 in vol 3 etc), she's 150 cm or 4'11" and as for her abilities, she can deatach her arm and use it in battle, she wields weapons, she's reisistent to fire and lasers, and later when she gets stronger she can manipulate the starry mass she's made of in her favour (its hard to explain without visuals, leave me alone😭)

8) how would they spend their day to day in your f/os’ universe? do they have a job or any other daily commitment? a routine they follow?

She pretty much hangs out with the team exclusively. As a "job" she goes on missions with them; she also gets comissioned by other people for paintings or sculptures. I suppose she has her separate art hobbies, and she often attends events related to that or goes on cute little dates with her boyfriend, but you can find her most of the time on the spaceship or wandering around on N.owhere.

9) when does your insert come into the story and what part do they play in it? how do they fit into everything, and how does the story change with them involved?

Unlike Frogeru who actively changes the story (yeah the KG too - secret frogeru lore!) , Morgen is just an addition. Her story and specific events are just extras to the already existing one, because i really like it the way it is already (unlike..danganfart...). I just wanted to give Rocky another friend (and partner tehehe), who'd be there since the beginning.

skipping 10 because im still reworking her backstory

11) when & how do they get introduced to your f/os?

After she escapes her planet on a random ship that visited her planet, she's found by two bounty hunters, R.ocket and G.root. Instead of taking her back home, they let her join their team, giving up the immense reward for her being brought back to her father in favour of her freedom. This was a few years before vol 1 happened. Her romantic feelings for Rocky start after vol 2 and their relationship gets official in the time between IW and EG.

12) what about their fashion & aesthetic? what kind of clothes do they usually/like to wear for the everyday, or when they’re all dressed up for some special event?

She's pretty dressed up all the time - she is a princess afterall. She's got her casual clothes too, but prefers being extra. Her clothes are quite fancy (and expensive), she loves frills, accessories, gloves and ribbons. Here is a link to her outfits sheet.

13) ^ is it anything practical you would wear irl, or is it a little unrealistic and purely for the sake of having a cool design?

I want and need to own all of her clothes. All her accessories are practical and serve some sort of purpose. And they are so cute♡

14) if your insert were to become a canon character, how would they be treated by fandom? do you think they would get misinterpreted a lot?

Maybe..? She has a few traits that can be considered self-centered, but I doubt she'd be overly hated for that. Im not very familiar with the intricacies of the m.cu fandom, i dont know what characters are liked or not, even when i was part of it id just look at fanart and ignore everything else💀i should learn from past me!!! I do like to think there would be cute shipping artwork of Morket ^_^ ♡ even if their romantic relationship wouldnt be canonized, it could be implied in the movies after IW. like subtle little nods to them being closer. I also want a quick forehead kiss in vol 3 ;^; for when he comes back and morgen is relieved that he is alive. Oh yeah the fandom uhhh i dont know. Morgen is still pretty new in my life. I know there'd be some idiots that ship her with her friend-enemy (Aeneas) just for that stupid trope, but i doooont like it. Morgen belongs with R.ocket and i want to think about edits, amvs and anime styled fanart of them!

skipping 15 bc already answered for 4

16) what does their living environment look like? is it minimally decorated, messy or super high tech & futuristic? is it a place you could actually/want to live in?

I didnt think much about it besides the very basics. It would be very decorated, she has a bunch of interests, but it would be clean. Not necessarly organized, she would leave her art supplies scattered around everywhere, but you'd never find food leftovers, laundry or trash thrown around there. Relatively clean, full of personality, but a bit messy if she is feeling creative and is working on a piece of art.

17) does your insert have any family? (whether it be familial f/os, ocs, pets or people based off your actual family)

I need to answer this game with Frogeru too, her family is SO much more interesting than Morgen's😭 She's got her parents, Otis and Marie Krantz. No siblings or other known relatives. Otis loves his daughter a lot, but is A TERRIBLE person and leader. Marie is a lot more chill, but pretty absent in her life. She likes her daughter as a person, but she doesnt consider her as her child (even if she is). I will elaborate later. Morgen doesnt have an awful relationship with her mom, but its not the best. She's closer to her father, but thats not necessarly for the better. He wants her to be safe but goes to extremes for it (literally locking her up in the castle and not letting her have any contact with other people). When it comes to her relationship, her mom approves of it and supports it, while her dad is completely weirded out once he finds out ("MY DAUGHTER IS DATING A TALKING MONGOOSE?????") But its too late for him to do anything because he'd be in prison, close to dying at that point. I will elaborate later.

What a dark note to end on IM SORRY

THANKS FOR READING

#morgen🍰

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srlkiller · 2 years

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the difference between me n a lot of other ppl is that i can rlly hate sum1 but if u look good from the outside or if u dress well orrr have some kind of intelligence… hustle.. u kno, anything like that.. i am extremely blunt w my views n opinions & have no problem separating whatever ‘hate’ or ‘issue’ i have with you on a personal level from whatever positive, respectable things that you may have about u goin on.. if that even makes any fuckin sense???. ive noticed over the years that some ppl rlly just cannot do that shit lmao n it drives them INSANE. they put up a total front when it’s completely obvious to everybody else.. it’s rlly not that deep. if ur pretty then imma say that. if u hav good style or intellectual abilities then u probably kno i absolutely fucking hate u n not to approach me irl lol but if someone asked me “do you think so and so is a good looking person?” & if i objectivly think about that shit… n i genuinely do think u r a gud looking person…. then i would say sum shit like “yeah i think so and so is a good looking person but i fucking hate this about them or i don’t like them bc this that and whatever..” i can’t b fake. i would rather jus be real about it or not say shit at all. some ppl will go to their fucking graves having the total inability to do that and idk why… maybe sumtimes i do hav the tendency 2b ‘too blunt’ of a person to the point where ppl hav said i come off as ‘intimidating’ but id rather b too blunt w it then put up a front. the ppl i don’t like kno i dont like them n the ppl i do like kno that i like them.. shouldn’t it b that way with literally everybody? it would make shit a whole lot EASIER. that would make things SIMPLE. girls don’t seem to think that way tho… ive always had more of a male orientated way of thinking MORE than a female way.. males make for better friends then girls do lmao. but then they always make shit complicated OR if they have a gf or im helping them w the bitch they like n then that girl finds out about me omfg.. the drama that comes out of that. i remember losing my male best friend bc he started dating one of those types n she made him block me after we were friends for over a decade n she was convinced we had fucked or that i liked him n it was the most ridiculous thing bc he was not my type at all.. he was like a brother… ive slept in his bed next to him n we had never kissed let alone fucked…… but he was so happy bc it was like his first serious relationship n i helped him ask her out it was so cute at the time so ultimately i had to jus… look at it like ok let him b happy, learn from it ect. hopefully they are still together n hopefully he is happy but i think im still blocked on everything so idk lol. but yeah i rarely let ANYONE get close to me in ANY type of way so when i lose a friend that actually hurts me more than anything bc i keep my circle very very small.. now to the point of not making any more friends after losing everyone years ago bc fuk that. idk where i went w this post but anyways lmao i hope this made sense :///

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up.

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not.

How many bedrooms are in your house? four.

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby.

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric.

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy.

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment.

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times.

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more.

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

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autisticangus · 3 years

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anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt.

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him.

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident.

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

#angus.txt #getting deep in here but it felt good to write #i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves

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labetalol · 3 years

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paradise kiss... i enjoyed it a lot!! thoughts:

-right off the bad i did not like george. i understand he is so passionate about his work and of course will always choose that way of life over love. i understand that yukari has never had the sort of passion and drive and commitment, because she never was handed the opportunity to do so. she grew to be that way, just as he grew to be boisterous and outgoing and energetic- he had a rich dad, fun friends, a carefree mom. but he made it his mission to blame every problem the two had in their relationship on her- her unwillingness to be great, her complaining, her parents, everything was always on her. just as, she demanded him to be the ideal boyfriend, who calls first and doesn’t flake on dinner plans, but he is anything but a normal boyfriend- hes a lover. he’ll sleep with you make you feel like royalty and then ghost you for weeks until he wants to suck out inspiration from your collarbone. like, how yukari was his muse, he treated her as such. she wasn’t someone to be with long-term. he helped her grow as a person, but that’s all he couldve done. honestly, im not sure how he grew as a person. yukari gained a sense of individualism and passion, whereas george, i guess he was influenced so much by someone that he continued to keep them in mind for the rest of his career. id love to hear anyones thoughts on him, i honestly think he just acted as a catalyst to yukari’s own development, although he didn’t mature at all or get anything out of their relationship except newfound inspiration

-i love isabelle and her little plotline. although i dont like george, she remained wholly devoted to him because he alone made her truly feel listened to as a woman, giving her strength to come out. i love that, and the ending where them two sail off to paris so she can work for him, i mean, although george is weird, their relationship was good as friends, so i think it works out!

-akashi... he was weird. i didn’t like his overuse of british slang LOL but ok seriously it hinted how he sexually abused miwako, which worried me... i lvoe miwako and i don’t like the idea that she only can hold onto him if she offers her body. she did that a lot throughout the anime, to which he normally declined- i mean, they obviously love each other, but his temper flares up erratically and can result in him hurting miwako. when he broke her phone because she texted hiro and she had to lie to yukari saying she dropped it- it oculdve been he hit her and she had to lie saying she fell down the stairs. but obviously.. he grew and they married and had kids and miwako was happy. he learned to accept miwakos love for her childhood crush and that people are bits and pieces of others they were close to and thats FINE. she still loves him and chose him, so... his development was good, i just don’t like him in the beginning. i just hope he grew to really understand the harm he caused to miwako and apologized!

-i am so glad yukari got with hiro. the two were the same, having no aim in life, no motivations, no fire igniting their lives, but then came a love that changed who they were drastically inside. yukari gained a willingness to be great by dating george, hiro gained a willingness to help others/interest in psych by loving miwako. the two accept that they loved others before they found each other, and they talk about it chalantly, but they still look very happy. i love their relationship, ebcause hiro noticed how toxic yukair and george’s relationship was, but rather than trying to snatch her away or steal her or whatever (like what he couldve done with miwako but didnt), he let her live her life and come to terms with what she eneded to on her own. i think thats why hes better than george, because he doesnt impose so much on her. but i am sooo biased because right off the bat i thought hiro was ADORABLE and george was ugly as fuck. his ugly little cowboy hat and toxic tendencies. hiro <3 ok.

-overall i thought the story was great. nana-esque, it presented flawed characters, presented flawed relationships between them, and how they grew and overcame themselves- note, not overcame the flaws. those flaws are there but they learned to not let it bother them anymore. i love how yazawa writes stories because it is so humanly realistic. i recommend paradise kiss, only 48 chapters, it took me less than a week to finish it up in between classes and breaks!! thank you if you read this far <3

#long post #my writing #parakiss #personal

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shurisneakers · 5 years

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espresso [10]

Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected.

Warning: mentions of past cheating, angst, alcohol

A/N: im back after 2 months lol hello to the 4 people who still read this this is my entry for @viktordrago‘s writing challenge. everyone say thanks to @samingtonwilson for putting up with me and being the best

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous part- Part 9 || Espresso Masterlist

The world around you was dark when you stepped outside, shutting the door of your house behind you and pulling your jacket tight across your body in hopes of evading the chilling wind nipping at your cheeks.

It was the night before Christmas Eve– or as Bucky so poetically named it: “Christmas Eve-Eve” – and you couldn’t help but be disappointed at the thought of your upcoming night. You dreaded having to spend time with someone who would inevitably serve as a way to pass time and nothing more. You almost felt bad that they were trying their hand at someone who was so out of the game before it had even begun– but you couldn’t bring yourself to feel sympathetic.

Bucky had chosen the most popular bar in your town as the venue– a bar which checked ID’s as a mere formality, a bored security employee glancing at the birthdate and shrugging to let in most people who simply “looked old enough.”

With scuffed wooden stables and pictures of frequent patrons, nearby teams, or people they were proud to have once served, the bar was never truly empty, it always had at least one or two groups drinking until they blacked out. And like always, the bar was filled with the warm sounds of people laughing, glasses clinking together in celebration and drunken karaoke with no musical accompaniment.

Your eyes quickly scanned the crowd, looking for someone who was possibly dressed for a date. And you found none.

Sighing, you quickly shot off a text to Bucky about the whereabouts of your supposed company for the night, Scott, shuffling from the doorway when the bell above the door jingled upon its opening.

Receiving an ineffective “He isn’t there yet?” in response, you sighed once more and stuffed your phone into your pocket, deciding that a stool at the bar counter was your best bet. After all, if your date wasn’t going to show up, then at least you could drown yourself with enough alcohol to have a good time alone.

“Y/N?”

If you hadn’t committed that voice to memory for reasons you refused to acknowledge, you would have believed you were hallucinating.

Your jaw clenched, then relaxed. Fuckin’ Dolores. “Dot? What are you doing here?”

“Hey! What a coincidence!” she laughed, pulling you into a gentle hug as your body stiffened uncomfortably against the contact. She didn’t seem to notice. “I’m here to meet someone. What about you?”

“Date.”

“Really?” She tilted her head. “Wait– is this one of those dates Bucky’s setting you up on?”

You gave her a tight-lipped smile in return, eliciting a sigh and a shake of her head.

“God, he’s so fucking dense.” She rolled her eyes, her lips stretching into a fine line of what looked to be pity. You didn’t ask what she’d meant by it and only quirked an eyebrow. It’s not like you disagreed, per se.

“Well, hey, if your date’s running late, you’re more than welcome to hang out with me.”

“Um-“ You racked your brain for an excuse not to, but found none that’d be polite enough so you relented, repressing a scowl. “Sure?”

You followed her lead through the crowd, stopping at a set of stools placed before the counter. Motioning at an empty pair, she told you to sit and that she’d be right back once she found the friend she was meeting.

You obliged and slid onto one of the stools to face the door, the palm of your hand supporting your head. You could feel the onset of a headache which did nothing to make you feel better.

You were in a mood, obviously, and it was not one that screamed approachability. It irked you that every time you came close to even letting Bucky know what you wanted, the universe had other plans. And even with that anger and dissatisfaction, you would have rather spent time with him and Becca than at a bar, waiting for the last date of your stupid bet.

It was a while before you felt someone beside you and you didn’t bother to look up until there was obnoxious laughter, forcing you out of your reverie.

“Oh, this is my friend, Y/N,” Dot said as she got settled in her seat, nodding to the bartender you had yet to acknowledge, a grin on her face.

“Hey there.”

You laboriously lifted your head to answer his greeting, only to have your words die down in your suddenly dry throat.

“I’m Brock, but everyone just calls me Rumlow.”

You stared blankly at him, eyes too baffled to blink. It felt as if you were frozen. You could see the recognition in his eyes but he made no attempt to make that recognition known.

To say it hit you like a truck would be an understatement. You weren’t sure if your sight was deceiving you, but you hadn’t drank any alcohol yet nor had you ingested hallucinogenic mushrooms so it couldn’t be that.

Fuck.

“Is something wrong?” Dot interrupted your growing panic, bringing you back to the moment harshly.

He hadn’t moved, only jutted his hand further out in an attempt to give you a handshake.

“No,” you replied roughly, trying to look at him as coolly as you could– as if everything inside you was calm. “Nothing at all.”

“Have you met before?” Dot asked, intermittently glancing at the both of you.

You watched him silently, assessing his face to see what he would say.

“This would be the first time,” he said with a smile so casual, you almost missed the tiniest bit of uncertainty that flashed across his face.

“Oh, cool,” she shrugged. And even her shrug nearly had you jumping.

“Can I get you both anything?” He gestured behind him to the numerous bottles lining the shelves; some so old they had begun to collect dust.

“Just a beer. Y/N?”

You mutely shook your head, not taking your eyes off him.

“Bottle or pint?”

“Bottle,” she replies easily, smiling easily, breathing easily.

He nodded and left the two of you to get her a bottle.

“How, uh, how do you know him?” you cleared your throat, hoping to sound as inconspicuous as possible. She clearly had no idea about what was going on– and she thought Bucky was dense.

“We’ve known each other years. He was on the football team at Middleton. Met him when he came to our school for a game.”

“Ah.”

“Here you go,” Rumlow announced, placing an open glass bottle in front of her, returning his attention to you.

“Sure you don’t want anything?”

You shook your head again, dropping your gaze to the sticky counter instead.

He didn’t pursue it further, instead picking up a glass from under the counter.

“What’s going on with you nowadays, Dot?” he asked nonchalantly, gently wiping at the glass with a worn out towel.

You wanted to get out of here as soon as possible without raising suspicion, but your date hadn’t arrived and it hadn’t even been ten minutes since you sat down.

“Other than crying from constant stress and anxiety on a daily basis? Nothing much really,” she laughed, bringing the bottle to her lips.

“You both go to the same college?” he gestured between the two of you as if he didn’t already know.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him when his gaze lingered on you longer than you would have liked– so, at all.

He quickly returned to looking at her rather than you.

“Nah, we had a mutual friend who I met at a coffee shop recently and he introduced us. Actually,” she squinted. “You might know him. Bucky Barnes?”

You saw his jaw clench as he subtly raised his fingers to itch at his nose. It was still slightly disfigured from when it was last broken. You held yourself back from smirking smugly.

“Yeah, I know him. Barnes and I go way back,” his voice was venomous but his maintained composure overall.

Your knuckles were beginning to hurt with how hard your fists were clenched, almost like you were waiting for a moment when you would have to defend yourself.

“Hold on a second. You both-“ she straightened her back, putting her bottle down as she glanced between you both.

Your heart leapt to your throat.

Did she finally figure it out?

“You both used to go to the same school.” She furrowed her eyebrow as if she was trying to recollect a distant memory. “Yeah- Middleton, right? How haven’t you met each other before?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I think I may have been a year or two ahead of you. Barnes and I were the same year,” he replied calmly before you could reply with what would probably have been an incoherent mess of sentences meshed together.

You leaned back, giving him a nod. “Yeah, that. What he said.”

“That makes sense.” She shrugged, letting go of the topic easily. She nudged your elbow gently, gaining your attention. “Any update on your date?”

“Uh-“ you quickly checked your phone, finding no texts or calls. “No. Don’t think it’s happening.”

“You waitin’ on a date?” Rumlow looked up from his distraction with sudden interest.

Raising an eyebrow, you simply replied, “Yes.”

“If he stands you up, he’s a dick,” Dot stated, raising her beer. “I fuckin’ hate it when people do that.”

“Wait, people have stood you up before?” he asked, putting down a glass and picking up another almost like clockwork, a teasing smile on his face. The scar above his near his eye crinkled when he did so.

You were there when he got that, some dumb fight his ego landed him in.

“More times than I would like.” She rolled her eyes, taking a large swig. “But it’s not the worst thing to happen on a date.”

“What could possibly be worse than not even being on one?”

“Lots of things, buddy. Bad dates are a whole other ballgame.”

You agreed silently, your experiences for the past few months speaking for themselves.

She continued, “What’s your worst date story, Rumlow?”

“Uh,” he paused before he laughed to himself. “If we’re not counting the stand-ups, middle school with this girl I liked before I realized she was the clingiest person I had ever met and tried to stick her tongue down my throat every five minutes.”

“Isn’t that exactly the way you are now? I see she later became your role model,” Dot tipped her bottle at him but he just rolled his eyes at her.

“Y/N.” Oh no. “Worst date story?” Fuck.

You had plenty of stories from the past few months, hell from even before that. But… there was no way you’d get this opportunity again.

“Got any good ones?”

Should you even dare to do that? Was it worth it? You didn’t even know how he would react. It was way too risky.

Oh, fuck it.

“High school, with this senior. I’d been dating him for almost two years and he asks me to come to a party as some excuse for a date,” you snorted a laugh. “That was a sign, like almost everything else he did, that our relationship wasn’t in a good place. So I thought, ‘Okay, we’ll get to talk things out.’”

You hear the sharp cling of Rumlow placing the glass back onto the countertop, but you ignored him, your smirk still very self-satisfied. You knew he knew where you were going with this.

You don’t take your eyes off him, watching the vein in his neck begin to strain against his skin. “I get there and all’s well until we start arguing about something stupid, don’t even remember what. You know how guys are.” Dot nodded with a roll of her eyes.

“And we just keep yelling about things that don’t even matter, about things that we’d pulled from thin air. Just, you know, anything to get a rise out of the other, really.”

You could see him swallowing but never breaking his composure.

You glanced at Dot. She was listening intently, chin resting on her palm. You took it as a sign to continue.

“Then it was just incoherent screams and then,“ you inhaled, forcing yourself to loosen your grip before your knuckles splintered, “he says he’d been cheating on me for about a year by then. Someone from another school so that no one we knew would see them together.”

Dot drew in a sharp intake of breath. “Shit.”

“That wasn’t even the worst part. He came from a pretty rough background and used to borrow cash off me often. I didn’t think much of it, because you know, it’s his own business, and I just wanted to help him out how ever I could.” You laughed humorlessly. “Turns out he was using that money to spend on the other girl he was with. Bought her cute stuff, took her out on dates on the days he stood me up, the works. It was pretty fucked up.”

“Jesus Christ.”

You could see him look at Dot after her reaction and you wondered if he was actually scared you’d tell her the truth.

“And then he broke up with me. I think he left her soon after that too because he lost his source of income.” You looked at him straight in the eye, never once blinking. You hoped he was squirming. “Fucked me up for a little while, especially since I saw him around the rest of his senior year until he finally graduated– which was unexpected given his academic record. Didn’t really bother with any kind of relationship after that.”

“That’s screwed up on so many levels. I’m sorry, dude,” she didn’t say anything further, and you didn’t really expect her to.

“Enough about me, though. What about you?” You put on a small smile.

“Nothing I’ve experienced could come close to that, buddy, I think you’ve outdone all of us,” she joked, laughing to herself.

“It isn’t a competition, you know.” You nudged at her. You deliberately were avoiding looking at him, noticing from the corner of your eye that he had stopped his cleaning and was instead leaning on the countertop. “C’mon, what’s your worst?”

“Honestly nothing too bad. Just a few incredibly lame dates, but other than that-“

“Hey, why don’t you tell Y/N here about the disaster of a relationship in your junior year?” he broke in loudly, gaining your attention.

“God, no, we agreed to never talk about that,” she playfully rolled her eyes at him but he looked adamant.

A smile spread across his cheeks, one that was almost sinister. He glanced at you silently, letting his gaze linger, leaving a unsettling feeling in your gut. Suddenly, you didn’t feel so great about what was about to happen.

“No, no, I’m sure she’d be very interested in hearing all about it.”

“Jesus, fine.” She chugged the rest of her beer, almost as if it was for courage. “Brock and I had this very brief-“

“It wasn’t brief,” he protested.

“Fine. He and I had a fling for a year in high school.”

“In my senior year.”

It felt like your blood ran cold.

“It was fun but then we agreed it didn’t work out because he was graduating.” She poked at his shoulder but he wasn’t paying any attention to her.

He was staring directly at you and for good reason.

“It was great. We hung out a lot, even though we weren’t in the same school. Almost felt like more than a year.”

“We were never ‘official.’” She used air quotation marks, obviously trying to downplay it. It clearly wasn’t something she liked talking about but he kept pushing it.

“But that didn’t stop us from doing a lot of things.” He smirked and she punched his arm.

Your mouth opened and closed like some kind of fucking fish but it felt like you couldn’t breathe. He cheated on you with Dot? With fucking Dot?

Was there anyone in your life not interested in her?

“It’s embarrassing and we agreed never to mention it again,” she said something after that but it was like you were tuning everything out to try and make sense of it on your own.

But it didn’t.

It didn’t make any sense. How did you miss this? Fuck, you never bothered finding out the girl’s name. You didn’t even know what she looked like or which grade she was in.

Idiot.

“I-I need to go,” you choked out, grabbing your phone and stuffing it into the pocket of your jacket haphazardly, fingers trembling. You couldn’t believe he had gotten under your skin again and you had just completely given him a chance to do so.

“So soon?” Rumlow asked, feigning surprise. You couldn’t even look him in the face but his amusement was glaringly obvious.

“Wait, did something happen?” Dot grabbed a hold of your shoulder and you nearly threw it off.

Don’t fucking touch me.

She looked taken aback but didn’t voice it. “Do you need me to drop you off somewhere?”

“No. No, I’m just gonna go.”

“Y/N-“

Get out, get out, get the fuck out of there.

“It was nice meeting you!” He called out from behind you.

Your head was reeling. You didn’t even turn around for a final look, just stumbled out of the bar into the deserted street.

After calling for an Uber that was only a minute or two away, you stumbled over your own feet to the car and asked the driver to step on it, praying that he wouldn’t try to make conversation with you.

Your fingers hovered above Bucky’s contact as you stared at his name. There’s no way he would have known. He wouldn’t have done this to you, would he?

“Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be on a date-“

“Did you know?”

“What?” On any other occasion it would be a relief to hear Bucky’s voice after another shitty date but now it just furthered your rage.

“Did you fucking know?”

The excitement he’d expressed in his voice when he’d first answered the call seemed to diminish and worry took its place as he replied, “Know what?”

“About Rumlow.”

He went silent. “What about him?”

“That he worked at the fucking bar you sent me to, James. Jesus Christ.” You rolled your eyes so hard you hoped it would somehow translate to his end.

“I- Y/N- what?”

“What about him and Dolores, huh?” Bucky had to have known about that. For Christ’s sake, their dumb sport of grown men chasing a ball would have allowed them to spend an absurd amount of time together.

“Wait, what does Dot have to do with any of this, I’m so-“

“You two were on the same goddamn football team Bucky, how could you have not known?” Your volume had risen exponentially and you ignored the questioning stare the driver gave you through the rearview mirror.

“You’re not making any sense here Y/N, I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.” He almost sounded distressed and if you weren’t so riled up, you would have already stopped by now.

“He cheated on me with her,” Your stomach felt like it was being twisted into knots when you finally said it out loud. You sunk into your seat, quietening. “She’s the girl from the other school.”

He fell silent for a few moments once more. “I don’t understand.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” your voice cracked and you tightened your grip on your phone, pinching your thigh with your other hand.

Keep it together, damn it.

“Tell you? I didn’t even know-“

“Did you-” It felt fucked up to even think it but it felt like the irrationality hit you out of nowhere. “Did you set me up with this?”

“Wait, what-”

“Rumlow, Dot– this was too fucking coincidental.” You were justifying it more and more with every passing second, your mind spinning absurdities. “Was there even a date tonight or were you just fucking with me?”

“I… I can’t believe you just asked me that,” his voice was soft. “I would never, ever-“

“You never once hinted to me about her and…” you trailed off. “You’ve been hanging out with her months, James, don’t tell me you knew absolutely nothing about this.”

“Do you really think that I would hide something like that from you?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“What does that even mean-“

“What about the past four dates, huh?” you interrupted again. “You claim to know me, yet every single one of these guys were people you knew I wouldn’t like. Was it all just one big fucking joke? Because if it was, this would be a perfect ending.”

“That was never my intention and you know it.“ You could tell that Bucky was struggling to keep his cool.

“I don’t know,” you admitted quietly. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

You could hear him exhale through the phone. “Wow.”

“Bucky-“ you hesitated, only to have him cut you off.

“That’s just… really unfair, you know? If you really believe I’d go out of my way to do something like this to you then I don’t think there’s anything I can say.”

“I guess there isn’t.”

Part 11

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #mcu fic #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #bucky fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #college!bucky #college!au #college!bucky x reader #kumis5kchallenge #espresso fic

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pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

For you.

Nomatter our storms, I glowed bright while with you, so much that I'd do anything for you, even take a bullet. I know you glowed around me too. My heart felt vibrations it never knew it had. But now I dont just glow, I burn brighter than a thousand suns & for myself. But dont forget the light I shined into your life. When you needed me most, I was always there. To not be that for me, well..the way things were left should've shown me you were never willing to have my back in return like I always suspected. Something broke in you, early on it was though you were lost, not the same, different than the spontaneous romantic man that I used to know & boredom of me set in quick. My light dwindled thereon but I still shined it on you anyway. Depression can affect so much i know, dont let it, but if it does take a stand & do something differently to help the situation at hand

Sweetheart you broke my spirt, I trusted you not to hurt & let me down. I was unacceptable to you, but i accepted you. No girl deserves that treatment to their heart. You may guard yours til you find what your looking for, but 1st find what you're missing, know how you affect, actually care about a girls feelings & yes even more than your own if u wanna make her happy. Love is when you go out of your way to make someone happy..its feeling happy with someone by your side..but u lost that.. your light.

Thats all i did & making sure you were was a full time job...u lost interest anyway, but you didnt care about mine as much...my happiness was everything to do with you babe...you're all i had up there. What would happen if i did go to work then, would u go behind my back with some1 else or wait for me to come home with backrubs at the ready? actually fucked my life up because i trusted you when I shouldn't have, & didnt have to result to that all either 😔 Dont hurt a girls heart for the sake of protecting yours, from ever being shown. You expect someone to do anything for u out of love, expect them to listen of your promises of love but then cannot deliver the same.

Why do you hate me my love, what did i ever do to deserve an unjust chance with you at all. Why did you try to be with me if you weren't expecting love to happen. Ive never met someone so heartless toward someone else's. Love knows no bounds, apparently you do.

This is extremely important. Sweetheart the more you hold back, the more it makes it so much harder to find...Believe that. Your heart needs vulnerability so you can feel it. God if u felt the way do..in any relationship really, your heart might beat for the 1st time. Its a bizarre & great feeling cuz u just know, its the heartbreak that follows which hurts so much.

You treated me like i was a bad influence after things were said & done, made me out to be the bad guy, but I wasn't at all. I was damn good to you babe 😔 I deserve to be treated fairly. But the more i was ignored, the more my health was low. You affect me in a good way, but also in a way that was destroying me. 90% of my sobbing was over you not being there for me.

My point is, dont ever let someone down again, do not betray them, do not treat them like you do a random on xbox, sympathize & relate, be more accepting of others. Be better for their sake & your own. Open your heart..even if you guard it to not be hurt..thats just part of the experience.

It killed you to be alone before, you're right back where you started...and now I'm in the same boat. As much as i should hate you I can't, cause nomatter how much you hurt me or hurt eachother...the limitless forgiveness I get from God, our experiences & kindness together and just the shitty timing of 2020 prevents my heart from pushing you out completely.

If I could have the "if we were still alone with no kids & tired of the bs at age 35-40ish" pact with any best friend, id reserve it for you babe hands down. You are best guy friend afterall, whether you consider me one idk. And if u ever want dating advice & whatever help u need regarding a relationship, im here to give any encouraging advice ❤

Few last words. I found the broadcast of her memorial & sat with undivided attention, was like I was at church again 😊 loved the welcoming warmth. Saw you speak, heard what you said, you spoke well but were so sad i wanted to hold you & take your pain away 😥 I broke down as I sit there thinking of your grandma & how I would've loved to meet her. I was praying..speaking to her as if she were listening & ofcourse about u, praying for u & asking for her God & all my passed loved ones to lay their hands on me & pray with me. A breezy chill ran up my spine & I calmly paused...but then i continued to cry even harder & fell to my knees, i know I was heard. Hope u dont dismiss my heart to heart writing if u find them. I give great advice..somewhere in all the nonsense 🤔 jk. That scar on my left leg from your basement steps 😂 you left your mark on me in that way as well, you'll always be a part of me. Ive continued my progress from up there, I began to change the things u didnt like but kept going after things ended. I've quit smoking & feel/look better than I have in ages..whilst still keepin u in mind, I have you to thank 100%. U know how much of a dick you are lol knock it off. U best not turn into a bitter old man rather than sweet as sugar. Accept her, eachother at your worst, & she'll be the best...& you'll be the best for her too. Hope you grow & get to experience true mutual love 1 day. Nobody will take care of your needs if u simply don't for them.

You were an awesome & beautiful waste of my time. Let 2021 be hopefully different & less shitty for us both. Protect yourself & stay safe out there. Pray to God everyday & ask for healing. You're definitely a Trip to remember, see u around someday friend

I have nothing else to say.

❤👋

https://open.spotify.com/track/1uviKYHZuM4uINK33F7sCt?si=XMEoUDe3RKOYk4z4HuYO9Q

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hyunjinssmile · 5 years

Text

“Lyrics For You”; Han Jisung

Disclaimers:

Descriptions of sex, dirty talk, angst, fluff, swearing, friends with benefits -> lovers,

Also, excuse my handwriting in this, as well as the lyrics (theyre mine and already in a released song, (aside from the my head hurts; thats for plot)

It was the usual, by now.

He would come home from practice, or hanging out with the boys, and then have you waiting for him, ready for him, to take care of him. It only really took one call; a message even, and you were both there for eachother, but dont get ahead of yourself y/n, you arent in a relationship.

Since highschool, you were both close, really close, but not in a relationship sense. Both of you produced music together and danced together, and even now after he has debuted, it just easier for him to have you; no strings attached, plus the world already knew you as 3rachas friend; a producer that made sure they would eat and rest, stays around the world thanked you for that the most.

Basically, somewhere along the line, Jisung and yourself became more than friends. You became friends with benefits, and unfortunately for you; like the plot of the 2013 Smuts on wattpad, you had fallen for him.

You had fallen for Han Jisung.

Would you ever tell him? Definitely not. Especially since after everytime you both hang out alone, he always thanks you so much for being his friend and understanding his situation, saying he loves how things always are.

“Y-yeah! Its fine” you smile at him as he puts on his clothes, after getting a call from JYP to come to practice earlier than he expected, to which he jumped up and got into the shower.

To be quite honest, the sex was distant. It was passionate, but quite clearly he was distancing himself from being intimate, he would never call you by anything other than your name, no pet names, and hed always take you from behind, never looking into your eyes. It was rushed, and rough, and although you found it incredibly hot and arousing, the emotions, rather the lack thereof, made you sad. It stopped you from enjoying it as much, you loved being close to him, and since he obviously didnt like you like you liked him, this was the closest youd get to it, to him.

It wasnt fine, as he shut the door, mumbling a goodbye and a promise to call you later, your hips hurt, you couldnt walk properly, and your heart ached. It ached for him, because of him.

You reached for your laptop beside you, wincing at the shocks of pain in your hips, before starting to make something, you needed to get your emotions out.

You work on a beat, the notes holding a sad feeling in your gut as you manage to get up from the bed, chucking on one of jisungs shirts that he had left from countless sleepovers, because even now, with the benefits part, he was still your best friend. You waddled your way to your studio, one that was often used by chris and changbin, as well as jisung, as when one of your songs you produced blew up; you could afford an apartment with a personal studio.

You sat down in your chair, cursing at the way you relaxed at the smell of jisungs shirt, before letting the beat play around you, adding in some tonal melodies ontop, before scribbling down some lyrics.

Time had flown by, and you got caught up in the process, the melodies and lyrics meaning so much to you, that tears ran down your face, your heart hurt, and this was how you were going to let it out.

Your phone had been going off in your room for ages, too caught up, you failed to recieve the messages from jisung, and in a panic, he travelled to your place.

Apon entering your apartment, he was met with a heavy bassline, but a slow, almost sad melody- contrast to your usual upbeat songs.

Jisung had liked you since he met you, but when he decided he wanted to persue being an idol, a producer, he knew he could never date- at least not in the public eye. You were his best friend, and after one night when you got closer, you both never looked back, friends with benefits was something that suited you both; well, judging by how quick you were to agree on the title; it suited you at least.

He wanted you to himself, he could only think of having you always in his arms, calling you his own, rather than the plaguing thoughts of you in a bed of someone else, but who was he to tell you not to? You werent exclusive, he made that clear. He groans at his stupidity, before walking to your studio, the lights were off as always, but he saw you hunched over your desk, the music blaring through the speakers next to you.

“Y/n?” He called out, before turning the music down, being left with your broken sobs as his eyes widened. You looked up in surprise, to find him standing there, wiping your eyes and attemtping to smile.

“Hey- jisung!” You said trying to be happy, which only made him more concerned.

“Whats wrong?” He said immediately,

“N-nothing, just writing something.” You tried to convice yourself you were fine for a moment, hiding the lyrics under your arms.

“Youre crying?” He moved closer to you, “and this is a sad song, y/n, you dont write sad songs, whats up?” He pauses, playing the devils advocate “boy troubles?”

You could only dryly laugh, “yes, actually”

Jisung felt his heart drop, before moving closer to you, trying to peer at the lyrics, watching you hide them. “Can i read?” He asked softly.

“No.” You said without looking at him, making him more confused. He tried to grab them, moving around, but each time you covered it, until he grabbed it from you.

“Jisung- just give it back-“

He held the page in his hands as he read it,

“Who is it?” He said softly, genuine care in his voice.

“Just give it back!” You stood up, making his eyes fall to your smaller figure, the shirt immediately recognised as his own.

He couldnt help but smile at the way you jumped to try and get it back from him, your cheeks pink, tears in the corner of your eyes.

“So you like someone? Maybe we should stop this” he gestured at the both of you, trying to conceal his hurt.

“What?” You said softly, your eyes widened.

“We should call this quits, us, ill find someone else” he was being casual, he knew it would hurt you, but it hurt him that you liked someone else, while he fucked you into the mattress every other night.

“Jisu-“

“You know, i thought i liked you, for a little while. I wont hide it. But, id hate to be the guy you liked if you fucked someone else while writing sappy song lyrics about them.”

He was being mean, really mean.

“I dont like you anymore, and were done.” His voice was cold, and the tears kept falling from your eyes, wide open with shock.

“You- I- the lyrics-“ you tried to speak softly, but he was mad. “Am i not good enough for you? Hm? Do i mean nothing?” He kept going.

“Get out” you whispered, eyes full with tears.

“What?” He was taken aback, you had never told him to leave, even during arguments.

“I SAID GET OUT”

And he was gone,

He took the paper with him, reading it in pain and ager the whole way back to the dorm, slamming the door behind him as he entered.

Chris was the first to talk to him, asking what was wrong. The boy crumbled in his arms, explaining everything, even mentioning how you two were friends with benefits, making chris surprised yet it suddenly all clicked.

“Let me see the lyrics”

As chris held the lyrics up infront of him, jisungs eyes widened as he saw a name scribbled on the back, immense guilt filling his entire being as he lost all air from his lungs.

“H-hyung move- move your hand for a second-“

Dread filled him, as he immediately got up, running as fast as his legs took him down the hall, out the door and out onto the street, running to your house, with tears in his eyes.

“You fucking idiot” he whined to himself as tears fell down his face, the colder air from winter bit at the skin on his face, but he kept running, until he was at your door, walking in, and running straight to your studio, finding you lying on the ground, crying your heart out and from experience, having a panic attack.

He immediately ran to you, picking you up and taking you to your room, placing you on the bed, looking at the way your eyes widened at his presence.

“W-why-“ you tried to speak, but he just held you tighter, pulling your body against his in a tigh hold, arms around you, squeezing you against his chest, your face pressed into his shoulder, as he cried into your own.

It would always calm you down, his hugs. Whenever you had panic attacs when you were younger, jisung was there, there to squeeze you and make you realise youre not alone.

“Im here- im here baby- shh-“

Endless petnames flew from his mouth as he helped you calm down, his nimble fingers wiping your tears away gently, his eyes reflecting your own.

“Im an idiot-“ he started slowly,

“Yes you are” you said softly, voice broken.

“I deserve it if you hate me, y/n. Im so sorry, even all this time id been using you because i thought you didnt like me enough to go out with me- and because of my job , i thought this was the closest id get to having you-“

“You have me” you whispered softly, making his eyes widen. “I felt the exact same way, you dumbass “ you said, looking up at him.

“So i could have been making you mine this whole time, taking you out, but all ive done is fucked you roughly, never said anything and had no emotion, all the times you said you were fine-“ his eyes widened again at the realisation of how it must have hurt you, confused you.

“Baby i am so, so fucking sorry.”

You held him closer to you, tightening your own grip as he rested his head in the crook of your neck, his breath fanning warm heat onto the surface.

“Ive never kissed you?” He suddenly said, breaking the silence, moving from his place on your chest , gour hands slipping from his soft locks of hair. You had talked for a while, sorting out how you felt and what you wanted, and then lay in silence, in eachothers arms for a few hours.

“No, you haven-“

He cut you off, pressing his soft lips against your own, his right hand cupping your jaw as he let himself wiggle between your legs, laying ontop of you and covering your body with his own, the feeling of him finally pouring all his love for you out, yourself doing the same, sent you both into an overflow of emotion, he pulled back, observing the way your cheeks tinged pink, his eyes locking with yours as he admired them, the view of you pinned beneath him, hair flowing our around you, made his heart skip a beat, his eyes landing on your now swollen lips from the kiss, warmth filling his being as he admired your beauty.

“Youre so beautiful, y/n, your eyes, your lips, your hair, your smile, your laugh, your jokes, your little pout, the way you stumble sometimes when you walk-“ he was blabbering, he knew it, but your heart filled with so much happiness, “i notice it all, i really do love you y/n. Be mine?”

“Im yours” you said softly, making him smile.

“Now to do this properly..” his hands dragged your underwear down your legs, removing his shirt from your frame as he undressed himself.

You immediately got onto your hands and knees, making him chuckle, immediately grabing your hips and pushing you back onto the bed, your back against the sheets as you gasped in surprise at his show of strength.

“I want to watch you as i make love to you, i want to watch your expression as i fuck this tight pussy, make it mine, youre mine, right?”

You nodded, making him smile down at you lovingly, pressing his lips to yours as he kissed you passionately, his fingers trailing down to your heat as he felt your wetness, his eyes widening is surprise “youre so fucking wet, you needed this huh? Making love is much better, i agree, im harder than ive ever been right now baby” he groaned, before letting one of his fingers enter you, slipping inside before moving so his hips are inline with your own, kissing up your neck to your lips before pushing himself inside of you, his hands holding your hips down against the mattress as he bottomed out, a whine falling from his lips as you whimpered into his ear, his brows furrowed as his lips found yours again, smiling against them as you did the same. “Feels so much fucking better, knowing that youre mine, baby.”

Bonus, 2 months later:

“This is such a good song, Chris, whats the chorus?” Your voice was happy as jisung held you close to him, his arms around your waist as you both sat on the couch in your studio, cuddling into eachother.

“I got inspiration from you two drama queens really. “

“Really?” You both turned to eachother, looking in eachothers eyes, finding nothing but happiness in eachother.

“Yeah, I used some of yours actually y/n.”

“Thats fine, you gave me some last season.” You reassured, smiling.

Chan smiled and pressed play on the chorus of the song, the lead up including a muffled audio scream, before you heard it;

“My head hurts”

Side note:

I actually write, make and produce some music too, so i felt quite close to this story. The emotions running wild whilst writing can really get heavy, and i actually do find myself crying whilst recording a demo, or writing the score, its the same with writing a fic, dont worry if its angst im crying along with ya, its just passion and heartache mixed together in a cocktail of emotions.

Lmao thats another one of my lyrics, ok ill stop thankyou for reading

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coralines-diary · 4 years

Text

Dear Momma

When I was younger I was your favorite child. I was the one you wanted all these years because I was a girl.

Because I was the girl, I got special treatment.

Whenever you heard me cry tended to me.

Whenever I was hungry you fed me and when I kept you up late at night you didn't mind it because I was the girl you’ve been waiting for.

The last two pregnancies you had boys, and you wanted so badly a girl so you kept trying.

Finally your wishes came true, you had a baby girl.

As I got older more and more conflicts arose with you and my dad. You guys split up and when that happened it was a court order we had to see you every other weekend. THAT SUCKED. Me being 11 at the time going back and forth was exhausting. Spent christmas eve with my dad and christmas day with you. My birthdays were split between two parents. When i finally decided i hated going back and forth i stopped seeing you except when i wanted to and felt like i needed my mom. Every time I went with you it was a toxic time, you spent the majority of your time talking about how my dad wasn't good and how he shouldn't have sole custody of me ect. When i graduated 8th grade i went to live with you and give it a shot.

I spent my freshman year with you and in the beginning it was good.

Slowly everything went downhill and I got more and more sad.

I didn't want to be there anymore because you would place the blame on me.

For everything my older brother did I got blamed for it.

When I had a better grade than him, I got a’s and b’s but since I had one f in math I was forbidden from going anywhere.

I couldn't go to school dances, football games, or better yet any school activities.

Why ??? just why??

I asked myself everyday why me, why you hate me so much i couldn't go out or do anything if i had one bad grade.

The mental abuse was so significant ,i hated myself because i thought you hated me.

I just wanted you to accept me because you hadn't been in my life as a child as much because i just thought it was better for me and so i tried to make up for it.

I tried to please you, everything I did I did to please you.

But nothing I did was ever good enough for you.

I was called all sorts of names I don't even want to repeat in this blog.

The verbal abuse was horrible.

You deny it till this day, yo say im lying and i was making it up.

You told everyone i cut myself for attention, no momma i didn’t i did it because i actually wanted to end my life.

I couldn't please you so i thought i couldn’t please anyone.

For months I refused to see my dad because I didn't want him to know the truth. I felt completely alone. I didn't have my dad and i didn’t have my mom.

I made it up in my head that I wasn't good enough for either parent.

I was so depressed living with you because you said I wouldn't amount to much and because I had a boyfriend. I was going to end up pregnant and a dropout.

Right before I went to my dad's house you told me it was my fault my brother went on a rampage, it was my fault he walked out the house screaming, it was all me.

You yelled at me while I sat at the table eating my captain crunch. I watched everything go down and somehow it was my fault when i was eating my cereal minding my business. After you verbally abused me you said you're going to your dads i can't handle you anymore those were the last words you spoke to me before my dad went and picked me up at the target in Santa Clarita.

Before i left to my dads i cut my arms and cute my thighs, i cut myself with the razor blade you bought me because i lied to you and told you it was for my paintings so i could scrape it off. If it doesn't ring a bell you bought it for me at and O’rileys it came with a yellow holder ( scars i still have till this day to remind me of everything you did to me)

Not even 15 minutes into being with my dad he noticed something was wrong. He noticed the light from me was gone. I wasn’t this laughing happy and cheerful child he once knew. How come he knew after fifteen minutes and it took you 3months to see I was suffering and the only reason you saw was because my dad let you know. Mommy you’re a nurse you were trained to see and learn about patients with depression. Why didn’t you hear my cry for help, why didn’t you see it? Was I not good enough for you?? Why did you hurt me mommy??? I just wanted a mom that loved and cared for me. Did you even care enough to notice me?? To notice all I wanted was approval?? To notice all I needed and wanted in my life was my mom, I had my first ever boyfriend that year and you weren’t there to support me like every other mom. You weren’t there when I had my first kiss, first date, first dance, first football game, my csi award. You weren’t there for a lot of my life in the beginning and in the end, there is and always will be a reason. I should have listened to my dad when he said don’t go but I didn’t and I left. You will never be back in my life again you ruined our relationship, you ruined me!! “Your favorite child” I’ll never be the same! If there is one thing you did to me is you tore me down and with time, heavy therapy, positive people in my life I became stronger. I became a better person. I became a fighter. And you hate that don’t you?? You hate that I didn’t agree with everything you did. You hated that I was just like my dad, and those are your words not mine!

AUTHORS NOTE---

I DONT CONDONE OR RECOMMEND THE BEHAVIOR THAT HAD TAKEN PLACE IN THIS WRITING. This was the beginning of my battle with depression and I was very done with everything, I didn't wan to fight I wanted to give up then and there. My dad saved me and honestly I thank him and appreciate what he did and always will until I die, I cant tell you how blessed I am because I couldn't put it into words. You can see I was a troubled kid and needed help. This is a letter I wrote for my mom so I could heal and get passed it and when I write its a form of release for me and after a few years of holding everything In I let it all out and left it for the world to see. Some of us just got lucky with great parents that love and care for each other while others get a parent or parents like or even worse than mine. you aren't alone we will fight this battle together. My mom is no longer in my life I tried to rekindle things a while back but I couldn’t I thought she would change but she didn't so I did what was best for me and my mental health and cut her out of my life. Also if you aren't old enough to get out of your parents house just wait when you turn 18 or when ever you feel comfortable you can leave and cut them out, id rather you cut out a toxic parent/person than your beautiful skin. I’d much rather you guys be safe and alive and fighting than ending your precious life. STAY STRONG YOU GOT THIS XOXO -CORALINE

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