#sorry for abuse posting i recently came back from home and had therapy about it and then a chat with my flatmate about abusive parenting

[selfmadesuperhero]

i’m very much not okay 

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out. 

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change. 

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right? 

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie. 

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress. 

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened. 

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget. 

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”. 

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies. 

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post. 

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine. 

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from. 

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson. 

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do? 

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment? 

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far: 

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly. 

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it. 

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too. 

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it. 

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die? 

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art. 

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey. 

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it. 

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place. 

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date. 

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class. 

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis. 

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that. 

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really. 

suddenly, the following lies became clear: 

 my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

 years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

 he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea. 

 then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship 

talk about final nail huh? 

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know? 

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying. 

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

#this is literally 5k+ words of how my life went to shit :) #trying to write down feelings like i used to do seven years ago when i was transitioning because i have no other outlets #sorry new followers #(sorry old followers)

[forevermyalwaysphff]

Chapter 19

A/N: I have just posted Chapter 18 (Click HERE for the chapter) so make sure you read that one first before starting Chapter 19 

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"May the court hear from Mrs. Bowman''s social worker, Miss Grey." The family court judge called upon Alexa to stand and speak her recommendation on her client, Leanna Bowman's custody of her son Eddie Bowman. This had been an ongoing battle since Eddie's biological father had re-appeared into the picture and had tried to gain custody of him, which the judge had denied.

Alexa took in a deep breath and sighed heavily while she stood up and straightened her dark navy suit. "You may proceed, Miss Grey."

"Your honour. It is my recommendation as Leanne Bowman's case social worker that her child, Eddie Bowman, is to remain under her full custody." Alexa took in another breath. This was the part of her job that she did not enjoy, but due to her work with Guardian and their close contact with the domestic abuse survivors, Alexa was often called in to family court to give recommendations on custody status.

"Leanne Bowman has made tremendous strides the past five months at Guardian. She started out using our shelter services for herself and her son and has now found a safe affordable home in the local council housing inclusive of the necessities for taking care of Eddie. Leanne has continued to attend Guardian for our therapy, financial and social services which she plans to remain attending in the future. Mrs. Bowman has found a local daycare and employment within walking distance of her home." Alexa lowered her head briefly, feeling everyone in the court's eyes on her.

"Despite, Mrs. Bowman's domestic history with her ex-partner. I do recommend that Eddie continues to stay with his mother and the trial period of custody be moved to a permanent decision given that she abides by the no contact order with Mr. Turner." Alexa looked the judge in the eyes showing her confidence with the recommendation to the court.

The judge slowly nodded her head as Alexa took her seat beside The Bowman's lawyer. Alexa turned her head towards Leanne who was displaying a grateful expression towards her. She simply smiled and turned her attention back towards the judge as she deliberated.

Alexa felt a light tap on her shoulder from behind. She angled her body to find Eddie being his adorable self dressed in a little suit with a green polka dotted bow tie. His little contagious smile was beaming up at her. "Do I get to stay with my mommy?" He whispered to Alexa.

Her heart sank in his chest seeing his chocolate brown hopeful eyes staring up at her waiting for a reply. "I don't know yet, hun. We have to wait for the nice lady up at the front to tell us." Alexa noticed that he started to get worried that he would not be able to go home with his mom today. Even though he was quite young, he understood what was going on as this was not his first time being in a courtroom like this. Alexa suddenly felt a healthy level of doubt in her suggestion. Was it really the right decision for Eddie? Or was it the right decision for Leanne?

"Want me to come back and sit with you while we wait?" Alexa shook the thought from her mind and focused on Eddie.

He did not waste a second in replying. "Yes please!" Eddie politely asked Alexa and she immediately stood up and snuck around to sit next to him.

The judge had returned to the courtroom after a short recess to deliberate her decision. The deafening silence in the courtroom was profound as nearly everyone was on the edge of their seats awaiting the verdict on the custody of Eddie Bowman.

Alexa closed her eyes as the judge started to speak. There was a gut feeling that had grown inside of her at the last minute that Eddie should not be with his mother. The problem was it was only a gut feeling and she racked her mind searching and searching for any little doubt in her mind that matched this innate feeling.

"Congratulations Leanne Bowman. You have full custody of your son Edward Bowman. There will be a review period in six months to ensure that you are adhering to the set out rules of this custody agreement including the no contact order with Mr. Turner." The judge disclosed her ruling and everyone in the courtroom was happy with the outcome, except for Alexa. But, she stood up and displayed a soft smile watching Eddie run to his mom and give her a big hug.

Leanne turned around to face Alexa and opened her arms to pull her into a tight embrace. "Thank you Alexa. This wouldn't have happened without you." She gratefully thanked Alexa for her help, but those words felt heavy in her mind as she repeated them.

"You are welcome. Please take care of him." Alexa softly encouraged Leanne to remain true to her promise.

Alexa exited the courthouse walking out of the main entrance down the steps when all of a sudden she was ambushed by a few paparazzi that had gotten wind that she was appearing in court today. The ambush startled her and pulled her from her deep internal debate.

"You are one hard person to find Miss Grey." One of the men shouted as they continued to photograph her down the steps of the courthouse.

The blonde remained silent, giving them no response as she continued to look to the ground and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, being careful not to get pictured falling down these stairs in her heels.

Alexa had been quite clever recently in avoiding the paparazzi thanks to tips from her boyfriend, Harry. But, she figured they would find her again eventually only wishing that it wasn't today. She dug in deep and found a source of courage to get through the next few minutes until she could escape them. One thing that Harry had taught Alexa to get away from them was to quickly get into a taxi even if only for a few minutes away to get some distance between the paps and her.

The blonde spotted a taxi stand nearby and purposefully stepped towards it. She motioned to the man standing in front of the black taxi that she wanted a ride.

"Alexa can you tell us who will be your plus one to Princess Eugenie's wedding?!" They shouted at Alexa as she climbed into the back seat and closed the door. But, a hand grabbed the door frame stopping it from closing.

Alexa glanced up at the man attempting to stop her from getting away from them. Her green eyes glared up at him as they locked into his gaze. "Let go of the door now. Or you will be hearing from my lawyers." She threatened him in hopes that he would remove his hand.

He slowly removed his hand and Alexa slammed the door shut. She drew in a shaky breath, feeling like she had been holding her breath for a long time. Closing her eyes she told the taxi driver her destination, deciding to take the full ride over to meet her friend for afternoon tea.

"Can you take me to Fortnum and Mason please."

--------------------------------

"Hello ma'am. Do you have a booking with us for tea this afternoon?"

Alexa was greeted at the front entrance to the tea room at Fortnum and Mason. "Yes, I believe it is under Victoria Sutton." She was meeting Victoria, a friend of hers from Alexa's past relationship with Reese Kellington.

"Right this way." Alexa followed the hostess into the tea room towards an awaiting Victoria.

Victoria spotted Alexa in her line of vision making her face light up with a beaming grin as she stood to greet Alexa. "Ah! Lexi!" The blonde pulled Alexa in to greet her with a traditional kiss on the cheek before hugging her small frame.

"Hi, Victoria. How are you?!" Alexa matched her friend's beaming smile. She pulled out the chair from her spot and took her seat while the hostess handed them their menus.

"I am well, how are you? It has been so long since I have last seen you!" Victoria locked in Alexa's green eyed gaze.

Alexa had met the Sutton Hotel heiress through her ex Reese. She had become close with the blue blooded aristo even though she initially thought it would be an unlikely friendship. But, when Alexa and Reese ended their relationship, Alexa distanced herself from nearly everyone associated with Reese including the friends she had made during that time. A part of her felt guilty for simply disappearing but at the time, it was what she needed to do for herself.

"I know it's been so long. I was really happy to hear from you last week." Alexa smiled genuinely. "I am sorry for just disappearing after everything." She began to apologize. "I know there is no explanation that justifies that... but I had to do -"

"You had to do it in order to survive." Victoria nodded displaying a genuine expression of understanding. "I heard what Reese had done... I don't blame you at all or harbor any ill will towards you at all. That is why I reached out to you. I missed you and our friendship." Victoria reached her hand out and squeezed Alexa's in a gesture of reassurance.

"Thank you, Vic." Alexa was feeling extremely guilty over her past decision. But, she desperately wanted to catch up with Victoria.

"Anyway, let's not talk about that bastard." Victoria waved the subject off. "Let's enjoy our afternoon tea and you can tell me all about your life! I hear you are going to be in a royal wedding this summer?! That is so exciting!"

Alexa giggled lightly. "Yeah, I am and everyone knows it. I even nearly got followed here by the paps!" She sighed heavily remembering the man trying to stop her taxi moments before she arrived.

"Oh god! They can be absolutely horrendous Lex!" Victoria's posh British accent came forth. "You have to be careful. I can give you some tips on how to deal with them if you want?" Alexa's friend kindly offered to her as she had her fair share of experiences with them due to her family's standing.

"Awe, thank you Vic. I appreciate that." Alexa started to scan the menu. "But, my boyfriend has been helping me handle them."

"Ooooh! Your boyfriend?" Victoria lifted her head up from the menu. "Who is it?! You have to tell me everything."

Alexa had put her foot in her mouth not realizing the extent to what she had just revealed. She started to backtrack and down played the whole thing. "I meant he is just making sure I don't come home crying every night!" She tossed her head back with nervous laughter.

"Are you ladies ready to order or do you need a few more minutes?" The waiter came at the perfect time to interrupt their conversation.

"I think we are ready?" Victoria lifted her head to make brief eye contact with Alexa and saw her nodding a response. "Go ahead Lex."

"Uh, I am going to get the Champagne Afternoon tea with the mable peach tea." Alexa lifted her head to glance up at the waiter then to Victoria.

"That is a perfect choice ma'am." He turned towards Victoria. "Ma'am what can I get for you?"

Victoria flipped through the tea choices one more time. "I will also get the Champagne Afternoon tea with the Rose Pouchong tea."

"Great ladies. I will be back shortly with your orders." The waiter took his leave.

"So... tell me about this boy!" Victoria was grinning from ear to ear as she brought back the subject Alexa was desperately trying to avoid.

Alexa squirmed in her spot unsure of whether to divulge the fact that Victoria already knew her boyfriend, Prince Harry. In fact, she was one of his childhood friends and knew him quite well according to Harry, but they lost touch after he left Eton. She had talked with Harry late last night as she laid awake in bed nervous about today's court appearance and told him she had plans to go have tea with Victoria Sutton afterwards.

The prince was quite taken back to find out that she was friends with Victoria, but he was also supportive of her to go to the tea and reconnect with one of her friends. Especially someone he knew who was known to keep her intentions true.

"Well, he is pretty great actually." Alexa was now beaming remembering last night's conversation with him. "He has really taught that it is ok to take a chance at love again and that not all men are like Reese." She confessed to Victoria.

"Awe." Victoria was taking in Alexa's expression in front of her knowing that it was one of true happiness. She had become quite worried about Alexa when she quite literally fell off the face of the earth after Reese and Alexa ended their relationship. The problem was that Victoria had been friends with both of them and quite frankly did not know who to be supportive of. But, when she found out more about what Reese had done to Alexa, she immediately took a step back from her friendship with him. Victoria had attempted to contact Alexa, but she simply did not reply until now. She never held any ill will towards the blonde beauty for doing this and simply wanted to be there for her friend who she knew was going through a very difficult time.

"I love to see you so happy again, Alexa. You can really tell that you are with whoever this man is." Victoria watched Alexa's smile grow even wider at her comment. "How long have you two been together?"

"We were friends at first, but have been dating since May." Alexa was starting to find that comfortable trusting feeling that she had initially shared with Victoria and what had drawn Alexa to her in the first place. Despite Victoria's aristocratic status with her father owning a major international hotel corporation and her mother being a daughter of the current Duke of Somerset, she never did flaunt her status like most aritos did. She even started her own fashion line that had been receiving raving reviews and even has a few store fronts on the major streets of London.

"That is seriously so great. I cannot wait to meet him!" Victoria excitedly clapped her hands.

The two of them were enjoying their afternoon tea, catching up as if no time had lapsed between the last time they had seen each other. Victoria took a bite of her clotted cream and strawberry jam topped scone before leading the conversation down to a place Alexa did not want to go to. "You know, I am seriously so happy to see that you have moved on too like Reese has done." It was an innocent comment, but one that made Alexa quite curious.

Alexa was hesitant to ask, not entirely wanting to know more details about Reese's current relationship, but curiosity got the best of her. "Reese has moved on too?" She probed a bit wondering if she could get it out of Victoria who he was currently with though Alexa had a good guess who it was.

"Yeah, he's been with Gemma Andrews for a while now."

Alexa dropped her knife as it clattered against her plate.

Gemma Andrews. The name repeated in her mind.

Reese had admitted that he had cheated on Alexa with Gemma not once, but multiple times in their relationship. Gemma was often the one at the forefront of his group of friends belittling her every chance she could get. Alexa was hit with a wave of emotions that nearly knocked the wind right out of her. Those same soul crushing emotions that shook her to her core. How could he do that to her? Did Reese have no respect whatsoever towards her? But, then again he never truly did care about her like she had him.

Victoria had realized what she may have done. "Oh, Lex. I shouldn't have said anything..." She bore witness to the pain etched across Alexa's face that replaced the happy expression she held moments prior.

"No, I needed to know." Alexa shook her head and bit her lips to hold back her tears. "Gemma was the woman he repeatedly cheated on me with, Victoria." She admitted with tears brimming over her eyes.

"I am so sorry..." Victoria felt awful for bringing this up to Alexa. "I - I didn't know that." She closed her eyes and shook her head at Reese. "She was always so vile towards you."

Alexa swallowed the lump in her throat and held back her tears not wanting to ruin her time with Victoria. "Let's just move on from it and have fun."

"Yes, let's." Victoria waved over a waiter. "Can we have another bottle of Champagne please?"

---------------------------------

Alexa had found herself walking aimlessly around Hyde Park being trapped deep into her thoughts about everything that had happened today and everything that she had been struggling with as of late. She was supposed to be home by now and spending time with Harry who had come up for the weekend to stay at her place. Pulling out her phone she had several missed calls and voicemails from Harry and she knew that her late return would only worry him further. To be fair, she had no idea it had gotten this late.

She listened to the last voicemail he had sent her.

"Alexa. Where are you? You are really starting to worry me. It's nearly 8pm and you should have been home hours ago... I took Peanut for a walk and fed her." He sighed deeply as his voice trailed off. "Love, let me know you are ok and where you are. I can come get you." The concern laced in his voice was evident and Alexa felt guilty for making him feel that way.

She immediately brought up his number and started to call him. The phone only rang once before he answered it like he had been waiting for her call.

"Alexa?" His deep voice sounded over the other line.

The mere sound of his voice was enough for Alexa to nearly break. She closed her eyes and felt tears starting to stream down her cheek while she breathed in a strangled breath. "Can you come get me?" She sniffled and wiped her tears away.

"Where are you?" He did not hesitate after hearing her cries over the phone.

Alexa glanced around. "I am in Hyde Park by the Serpentine I think..." She released a sob.

"I'm coming."

Alexa was sitting on a park bench when she lifted her head and saw a man walking towards her wearing a cap. She breathed out and stood up slowly knowing that it was Harry attempting to disguise his identity in such a public space.

"Alexa." He closed in the rest of the distance between them and pulled her into a hug feeling her clinging tightly to him. The immediate security that Harry gave her in that moment was something she held onto, not wanting to let go of him and that feeling that surrounded her. She buried her head into the crook of his neck and released a heavy sigh as he gently stroked his fingers through her blonde locks.

She lifted her head up and locked in the prince's concerned gaze. His brow was furrowed and his deep blue eyes were filled with worry. Harry had no idea what was going on with her, yet here he was. He lifted his hand and cupped her cool cheek to tenderly stroke it. "Are you ok?" His voice broke through her thoughts and pulled her out from the depths of his deep blue eyes.

She struggled to answer his question not wanting to lie to Harry, but also not wanting to cause more concern for him. Alexa felt her tears betray her as they trickled down her cheek giving Harry his answer. "I am now." She whispered quietly to him. "Will you take me home?"

Harry brushed away her tears and nodded silently. "I'm parked a short walk from here. Let's get you home." He grasped her hand and clasped their fingers together interlocking them as they made their way to Harry's car. The prince led Alexa out of Hyde Park being careful to avoid contact with others hoping that his cap would hide his identity.

He opened the back car door and motioned for Alexa to crawl in first to which he quickly followed suit. Sitting down next to his girlfriend he looked up in the drivers mirror at Magnus, his protection officer, giving him a quick nod that they were ready to leave.

The prince felt Alexa snuggle in beside him and grasp his arm before laying her head to rest on his shoulder. He placed a comforting touch on her knee being finally able to take her all in. A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips seeing how sexy she was in her suit she had picked for her court appearance today.

"You look beautiful today." He leaned in and pressed his lips softly to her temple. An adorable smile formed on her lips, one that he knew himself placed there.

"Thanks baby." Alexa peaked up at him, staring into his eyes. "Thank you for coming to get me. I didn't mean to worry you..." She gave him a peck on the lips.

"You did really worry me, love." His brow furrowed with concern, but this only caused Alexa to turn her head away from him and avert her gaze. Clearly she was not ready to talk to him about what happened today.

"Hey... hey." He coaxed Alexa's attention back on him. "You don't need to tell me what happened until you want to ok?" Harry watched a silent Alexa nod her head. "Why don't we pick up some take out and just throw on a movie at your place and cuddle? How does that sound?"

Alexa's lips pulled into a soft smile. "That sounds perfect, Harry. What do you want to pick up?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "You choose, babe. Doesn't matter to me."

She shook her head no. "I want you to get something you enjoy. You don't really get to when you are in Suffolk."

"Alright..." Harry pondered for a moment. "Shall we get take out from that Greek place from down the street from your flat?"

"Oh, yes!" Alexa was thrilled with Harry's choice. "Can we get a side of pita and tzatziki sauce?!"

"Anything you want!"

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Harry shifted into a comfortable position and helped Alexa crawl into the same space he created for her on the sofa. They had picked out a movie together and cuddled up into each other with a cozy blanket covering them.

He would occasionally glance down at Alexa and notice that even though she was staring straight ahead at the TV, she wasn't actually watching the movie. Rather that she was caught in an internal debate in her own mind. The prince leant down and kissed her exposed shoulder wanting her to know that he was here for her. Alexa's response was cuddling back further into him.

A few minutes later, Alexa suddenly sat up and turned around to face Harry. She held her head down low and started to fidget with her hands nervously. "I'm sorry about today...." Alexa quietly whispered. "I -" She breathed out deeply. "I have been struggling lately Harry..." Alexa's confession caused Harry to sit up straight and reach across her to grab the remote and pause the movie.

"Talk to me love." He gave Alexa his full attention.

"I don't even know where to begin." She softly whispered as she felt the weight of her confession slowly consume her as if the revelation was taking control of her body and finally seeping out of her from holding in for so long. Her head lifted to glance up at Harry showing a wounded expression.

The prince's heart dropped in his chest seeing the visible pain etched across her face. This was not the woman he had come to know. All he could do was listen to Alexa and try to help her in any way he could. "Just start somewhere and go from there, babe. We have all night and I am all yours for the weekend." He grasped her hand and squeezed in reassuringly. A tiny smile peaked through her wounded expression giving Harry a bit of hope.

"Well, today I just had an awful day really and it was sort of my tipping point." Alexa began. "First, at court I read my recommendation for Eddie's custody hearing and I thought what I recommended was right... but then I had this awful sinking feeling that he should not be with his mother." Alexa was clearly bearing the weight of this decision. "I couldn't find a reason why all that it was just a gut feeling that I had. I never wish to take a child away from their mother, but I can't help but feel something is going to happen, Henry, and I feel sick about it. If anything happens to Eddie..." She choked out tears and nearly broke down in front of Harry right there.

Harry grabbed her shaking body and enveloped his arms around her. "Lex. You weren't the only one saying Eddie was ok to stay with his mom. The judge would have decided based on all the information she was given and though your recommendation had a part, it was not the only part to play." He tried his best to comfort her, but he knew that she was only getting started.

"What if something happens Harry?" She lifted her head and looked away from her boyfriend with tear stained cheeks.

"I can't tell you it won't, but for now you know he is safe. She has to check in at Guardian weekly doesn't she?" Harry tried to provide her with some reassurance.

"Yeah... I guess." She nodded her head, but she still would not look at him as her mind drifted towards the conversation with Victoria earlier that afternoon. How was she going to tell Harry about Reese?

"What else?" He encouraged Alexa to keep talking.

How do you talk to your current boyfriend about your ex and how much he has hurt you and apparently still is hurting you? Alexa desperately wanted to avoid it, but she knew she had to tell Harry.

"Please don't be mad... or get angry." Alexa swiveled her head to lock in her boyfriend's gaze.

"Alexa, why would I be angry with you? You are just telling me what you are dealing with and I hope that I can somehow help you." Harry was a bit taken back.

"You might not like what is bothering me..." She led on.

"Babe, come on just tell me. I promise you I won't." Harry tried to reassure her.

Alexa bit down on her bottom lip nervously. "I went for afternoon tea with Victoria and we started talking about how I have moved on with you from my past relationship." She paused for a moment to clarify. "Vic doesn't know you are my boyfriend, I kept that from her." Alexa wanted to make sure Harry knew that. "But, she told me that Reese had also moved on and well the person that he is with now is the same woman who he admitted to cheating on me with numerous times..." She let the words sink in again while Harry remained silent.

His girlfriend took in a shaky breath. "Hearing that he is with Gemma really threw me into the deep end again this afternoon. It's like it brought up that day all over again and somehow even though I haven't seen him for a long time, he was still able to elicit such pain and hurt from me today and I hated that." Alexa cried out with a hint of anger. "He has no right to make me feel that way anymore, but he did. You really do not understand how much he hurt me Harry..." She shook her head in shame. "Even though I am falling for you so hard for you right now. It's still so painful at times to remember." She shook her head. "I didn't want you to be angry with how he made me feel... and sometimes still makes me feel."

"Babe." He lifted her chin delicately with his finger to make Alexa look into his eyes. "I will never be angry or mad at how you feel, even if it is about what your piece of shit of an ex did to you. You have every right to feel whatever you feel and I want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me and tell me about everything like this, not keep it inside to struggle on your own." Harry watched her eyes well up with another flood of tears. "Is this why you were walking around Hyde Park so late?"

Alexa nodded her head slowly. "I needed some time to just clear my head, but it really didn't help and then when I looked at my phone I didn't realize how late it was and that I kept you waiting for me." She wiped away a stray tear that trickled down her cheek with a balled up piece of his sweater she wore. "Then all I wanted was you..."

The prince tucked a stray piece of her blonde locks behind her ear and gently bent her forehead down towards him to place a soft kiss there. "I'm always going to be here for you, Lex."

"I know, babe."

"I just don't want to see you like this. I want to help you in any way I can." The sincerity in his voice was genuine. "Let me grab a bottle of wine and we can just sit and talk tonight instead. What do you think?"

Alexa nodded her head without a second thought. "Yah, I'd like that."

--------------------------------

Harry had his girlfriend in stitches of laughter, holding her belly and being careful not to spill her glass of wine. He was telling Alexa a story of him and his army pal Connor that he knew would make his girl fall into fits of laughter. Hearing her laughter and seeing that elated smile graced on her face was something he had missed seeing as of late. Their time together was limited and he wanted to make every second of it count.

"Oh, Harry." Alexa leaned her head back against the frame of the couch and simply took the view of him all in. How did she become so lucky and find someone like Harry to be in her life? "I am so lucky to have you in my life, babe. You literally are the best thing that has ever happened to me." Alexa closed in the distance between them and captured his wine soaked lips in a passionate, but soft kiss. "I'm happy you decided to stay here with me this weekend."

The prince smiled out of the kiss and nodded in agreement. "It worked out well that Alice is with Jay in Germany this week and I get you all to myself." He gently grabbed Alexa and pulled his girlfriend into his lap to sneak another kiss in before finding a comfortable position to cuddle with her in.

"What else is on your pretty little mind, love?" He smothered her head with a series of sweet kisses that brought a smile to her face.

"Mmmm...." Alexa giggled with a sultry look on her face.

"Oh!" Harry laughed knowing exactly what she was thinking.

"Tonight. I get you." Alexa informed Harry that he had no choice in the matter and he was completely ok with that. "But, I like sitting here talking with you like this. Can we stay here a bit longer?" She started to play with the tufts of Harry's ginger hair while he stared up at Alexa.

"Mmmm hmmm... that feels nice." He closed his eyes and sighed deeply angling his head to give her more access to play with his hair. A comfortable silence fell between them as they relished in the presence of the other's company. It was moments like this, private moments that Harry loved spending with Alexa and getting to know her better. But, he knew that there was much more on her mind that she wanted to share with Harry. "What's on your mind?" He gently coaxed it out of Alexa.

She took a healthy sip of her wine and sat back into his lap. "Eugenie." Alexa spoke his cousin's name.

"I thought so..." Harry nodded his head. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"Harry, it's been weeks." The blonde beauty sighed with a light head shake. "It is really eating me up from the inside. I don't know what to do. Have you talked to her at all?"

"No." He took a sip of his wine. "I think she is avoiding me honestly."

"I have wanted to reach out to her, Harry. I miss her in my life, she is one of my best friends. But, she makes me feel like I can't have you and be her friend when she was even the one to tell me to go out with you." Alexa took another sip of her wine. "Like I said before, I want both of you and I don't think that is being selfish, is it? My other friends have never even asked me to make that choice, ever."

"No, not at all." Harry agreed with his girlfriend. "Look, I can tell how much Eugenie means to you and she means alot to me too, love. But, this is not a one way street she also has to be the one to want this. She has to put in the effort too."

"I know love." Alexa looked down to the floor briefly then back at him. "I just miss my friend."

"She chose you to be there by her side for one the most important days of her life, Alexa." Harry sat up straighter. "I know for a fact that she still cares about you the way you care about her. I hate that I am the one thing that has put a wedge between you two. But, I am not willing to give you up so easily..." He freely spoke his mind. "I can't do that..."

"The problem though Harry is Eugenie cannot accept that I want both of you in my life. For some reason, she wants me to choose her over you... I want to be there for her in August. I really do, but I am starting to think that maybe I am not the right person and it nearly breaks me admitting that." Alexa released a heavy sigh. "That thought has been creeping up into my mind lately and I don't want to think about it, but it has. I am just at a loss of what to do..." She trailed off and became quiet. "I don't want another fight like that night... I don't want you two at each other's throats."

"Do you want to invite her over tomorrow?" Harry was willing to give up his precious time with his girlfriend to help her re-connect and fix her relationship with his cousin, Eugenie. "I am happy to leave for a few hours and see a mate or something if you want some time alone with her."

Harry was giving Alexa a very feasible option, but she didn't want that option to include having less time with him. "No... I want to spend time with you. You drove all the way from Suffolk and changed your schedule around to be with me." Alexa was extremely touched by the selfless offer Harry had given her. "Thank you though for trying to help. I know you want to make me happy."

"You have to talk to Eugenie, Alexa. One way or another."

"I know, I just don't know how to..." Her mind drifted off and so did their conversation about Eugenie.

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"Damn I missed that." Alexa giggled happily as she nestled her naked body beside the prince. The two of them had just finished being intimate with one another and it was something that they both needed. Needing it so much that they had already finished round two.

Harry's chest rumbled with laughter while Alexa rested her head on it and started to run her fingers over the contour of his abdominal muscles. He gently rubbed up and down the side of her arm finding it comforting to have Alexa next to him like this.

A smile crept up on his lips at the simple thought of how much he loved having this woman in his life. There was just something about Alexa that he was innately drawn to. He felt her take in a deep breath and sigh as her mind travelled elsewhere knowing that she was probably thinking about Eugenie.

When Alexa had come up to the Lake District and spent the weekend meeting his friends, he felt their relationship progress on to a deeper level. When he was away from her, he missed her terribly and his thoughts were never far from her. They made an effort to talk daily to one another and ensure this semi long distance relationship was going to work. He was the one that often came back on his free days to London mainly because of his commitments to his patronage and his family, but he always made time to see her. Alexa would take a Monday or Friday off and drive up to Suffolk for the weekend occasionally. The prince would let her use his office space in his home for the times she was able to stay longer into the week with him and work from home. He loved how everything was progressing in their relationship and he truly wanted Alexa to be his date to Eugenie's wedding. But, in doing so would put their relationship out there for the world to see. He was not entirely sure that Alexa was ready for that yet having admitted that she was struggling lately. Harry needed to fix something in her life this weekend and he knew exactly what he needed to do.

"Lex, I have to make a phone call I forgot to do on the way down today." He got out of bed and slipped away from her.

"At this time of night?" Alexa glanced to the clock sitting on her bedside table before getting a great view of the prince's naked ass. She leaned forward and gave it a little smack as the prince bent over to pull on his boxers that were tossed on her floor.

Harry glanced back over his shoulder at Alexa displaying a mischievous grin before a light giggle escaped her lips. "Get your hot ass back here quick."

"Yes ma'am." Harry offered her a wink before grabbing his phone off the bedside table. He took one step then turned back around to place a soft kiss to Alexa's lips.

The prince snuck out into her living room and ensured he closed the bedroom door. He sat down on a chair by the window and glanced out at the dimly lit quiet streets while he waited and continued to hear the phone ringing.

"Hello?" A tired voice answered on the other line.

"Eugenie?" Harry closed his eyes knowing that he had probably woken her up, but he had to talk to his cousin.

"Harry? It's late..." She slightly scolded him.

"I know. I know it is, but this can't wait." Harry released a deep breath. "Just give me a few minutes please."

There was a long drawn out pause on the other side of the line.

"Ok. What is it Harry?" Eugenie spoke. "I think I already know..."

"I think you do." Harry nodded slowly and then began. "She misses you Eugenie. Alexa misses having her best friend in her life. She was in near tears about it tonight and she doesn't know what to do because she feels absolutely torn between you and I."

"I miss her too..." Eugenie quietly confessed. "I miss not seeing her."

"Then call her and tell her that." Harry softly encouraged his cousin. "Can you put the past aside and accept that Alexa and I are together?" He sighed. "This fight between you and me has to end. We both want what is best for her in the end and that is her having both of us in her life. But, we can never put her in that spot again where she has to choose between you and me or we'll both lose her... and I can't..." Harry trailed off.

"I don't want her to choose between us. I only want to spend more time with her and you two are always together." Eugenie spoke freely. "There never seems to be time for me and her."

"Genie... I am only ever here on the weekends and not every weekend. We aren't even together half the time. So I don't know where you got this idea from." Harry was starting to get frustrated that her excuse was of course because of him.

"Look. I am tired of Alexa being so upset about this." Harry was firm. "Call her tonight and set up a time to see her. I'm here this weekend, but if you want to see Lex now I am fine with that."

"Is she not asleep?" Eugenie enquired.

"No... we have been up."

Eugenie laughed in response. "You two have been having sex, that is why you are up this time of night." She continued to giggle. "Ok, fine. I will call her."

"Yes, ok but can you wait like fifteen minutes so she doesn't think I had anything to do with this?" Harry pleaded.

"You really care about her, don't you?" Eugenie's voice became soft.

"More than you know, Eugenie. I have fallen hard for her." Harry confessed. "I only want her to be happy and I know she won't fully be until she has you back in her life. I am willing to do whatever it takes and if that means having to swallow my pride with you, then I am happy to."

"Let's put this to bed then. I miss having my ginger cousin around and maybe we can do some double dates?" Eugenie happily suggested.

"I am sure Lex would be fine with that." Harry giggled lightly. "Ok, I have to go. But, please wait a little bit."

"I will, Harry. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Eugenie."

Harry tiptoed back into Alexa's room to find her head on his pillow with her eyes closed. She lifted her head having heard his footsteps approach the bed. "Sorry... it couldn't wait." He pulled back the covers and Alexa shifted back onto her side of the bed until Harry got in.

They found themselves in small talk, discussing what the rest of their weekend was going to look like. She was hoping that Harry would be ok helping her fix a few things around the flat she promised Alice that she would get sorted.

Alexa's phone suddenly rang interrupting her conversation with Harry. A small questioning scowl formed on her face, wondering who was calling this late at night. "Who is calling me this late at night?" She reached over top of Harry and grabbed her phone.

"Eugenie..." Alexa sat up in bed cross legged and whispered her friend's name as she let the phone continue to ring. Her head slowly lifted to look up at Harry wondering what she should do.

"Well answer it, babe." He softly smiled.

"H- Hello?" Alexa answered her friend's call.

"Alexa? Hey, it's Eugenie. I am sorry it's late, but I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes?" Eugenie cut straight to the point.

"Yeah, sure." A small smile appeared on Alexa's lips. "How are you?" Harry watched Alexa quietly listen to Eugenie's response. He shifted his body closer to his girlfriend and placed a hand on her thigh to gently rub.

"I am good. Been keeping busy." Alexa locked eyes with Harry. "Eugenie... I miss you. I miss my best friend." She freely admitted, but the smile that graced her lips when Eugenie confessed the same thing was one that Harry would never forget. It was one filled with pure hope, that kind of hope that you made you feel everything was going to be ok.

"I am sorry for not calling you. I didn't know what to do, but I am really happy to hear from you." Alexa tossed her head back in laughter hearing something Eugenie had said. "Yeah! Let's do that. Off the top of my head, I am pretty sure that I am free Tuesday evening."

"That sounds perfect, Eugenie. I can't wait to see you." Alexa was quite literally beaming. "Ok, goodnight. Have a good sleep." She hung up the phone and angled her head towards Harry with a bright smile.

"So?" He asked innocently.

"Eugenie and I are going to go shopping on Tuesday then for dinner." Alexa rested her cheek in the palm of her hand. "It was really good to hear from her and hear that she was feeling the same way as me."

Alexa crawled over to Harry and sat in front of him before cupping his cheeks with both of her hands. She gazed into his deep blue eyes as if she was searching for something, but was content quietly sitting there for a moment to get lost in the depths of them. "I know this was your doing. I know you left to call Eugenie." Alexa caressed his cheek and watched a guilty smile form on his lips. "She didn't tell me, but it was not hard to figure out Henry."

"Guilty." Harry smirked and shrugged his shoulders.

She leaned in and captured Harry's lips gently as they fell into a passionate kiss that sparked that inner flame of desire once again. But, this time Alexa was in control as she reluctantly broke her lips off of her boyfriends. "Thank you for all you do for me."

"You always give me more than I deserve. I only want you to be happy and will do anything to make that happen for you." He nudged his nose against Alexa's. A gesture she always did to him.

"Why don't we just have fun for the rest of the weekend and focus on us. I love where this is going." Alexa admitted and Harry was quick to agree with her.

"Does fun include more amazing sex?" He raised his eyebrow suggestively.

"Yeah... if you can keep up." Alexa teased Harry before feeling him grasp her hips and swing her around so she was lying flat on her back on the bed.

Alexa bit down on her bottom lips feeling Harry's lips trail down her body knowing that they were going to get very little sleep this weekend.

#prince harry #prince harry fanfic #fanfic #phff #prince harry fanfiction #chapters #chapter19 #harryandalexa #forevermyalwaysphff

[solest]

This will be yet another mental health post, but I won't put it under a cut this time because a) I'm on mobile and don't know how to do it here and b) yes, friends might read this. I will eben tag this and try not to feel guilty for being an attention whore by doing so. This will be longer I guess, so sorry if you have to scroll through because of a).

I thought I would have stagnated. I went to a psychosomatic clinic this summer and felt like it had not helped at all. I tried to put myself out there again and had a good moment and an immediate throwback in more than one ways. But now I'm lying here, crying over videos I see or stories I read about certain mental health things and for the first time I can accept that what I read is applying to me. I knew before, but now I accept.

I have a trauma from school and bullying. It still feels weird to say it, because I always thought that Trauma had to be something big, something life threatening and not a shitty teacher and a bunch of kids you knew since you were 3, who turned on you all of a sudden. I studied social work, took child care and protection classes, but the Traumas that were discussed there were always cases of severe violence, abuse, neglect and so on. No one ever told me that things that don't seem so threatening can stick to you and change how you react for such a long time.

I've been told by three or four therapists by now that what vi experienced was trauma, but only recently therapists were using actual methods for this on me. I've been a lively and adventurous kid until second grade. I had a math teacher who was hysterical, got emotional outbursts, screamed at us and got physical. This was known, my brothers who's six years older had her as well.

I remember her screaming at us, especially me. I've never been a math genius but this woman managed that I developed a solid fear of maths. I clearly remember her pulling my hair in front of the class, because I did not know what 7x7 was. To this day, I forgot simple formulas, my mind goes blank if too much math is involved and I'm slow calculating in my head. I started to emotionally shut down and burst into tears when doing maths homework. I was 7.

When I got into third grade, we had a maths test at the very beginning of the year and I failed it miserably. I remember I was devesrated and I link the beginning of my bullying with it and just remembered why. I got an emotional outburst. I screamed, I cried I felt helpless and lost and it was too extreme a reaction to a failed test for all around me. I now know that it was a stress response to what I had experienced before and what I linked to it. I feared to get my hair pulled again, to be screamed at. But this odd behavior only made the other kids frown on me and trying to make me this upset again., which resulted in me not having friends and not understanding why people I knew since kindergarten and who were perfectly fine with me some months ago could be so cruel.

And just some weeks ago, I saw a video on how trauma comes to be. It isn't the severity, but the surprise that shake our core beliefs. I might have a genetic disposition to anxiety disorders, which might have made it "easier" to be shaken by what happened, but that's not the sole reason it affscted me like it did. Another video stated that trauma is the way we react to what happens. This firstly made me think "Oh, so you're an over dramatic bitch that was so startled by such a thing that you developed a trauma. How pathetic". How dare I think this about myself.

The way I experienced it is valid. It did what it did to me and I can't change that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I can't go back and tell this my sobbing 7 yo self. I lost all my adventurous attitude. I cried a lot and developed a general anxiety disorder that was only diagnosed when I was 21. I was shamed and frowned upon my overly sensitive and emotional reactions, and as the manifestations of my GAD, mostly extreme nausea. All of this only made me hate myself more and more. People said I'm weird, not normal, mentally disabled and I believed them. I tried to please them all, to just not be alone and laughed at anymore. I'm well aware that there are people with far more severe and terrible stories, but this is mine and I can't change either.

My parents tried best their could, but looking back a proper therapy as a child might have helped me. Instead I wasn't doing good in school, because stress let me break down completely. I had anxiety when doing tests and exams, a high perfectionism I'm still not able to act upon though. My parents had not been the cause for all this and tried to help as best they could, but the damage was done.

And still, parts of this personality I had before the trauma was still there, though I felt like I had to hide it, otherwise people would reject me for who I am. I missed out on much, simply because I did not grève the mental strength to try, fearing my peers would not accept me.

My self esteem is pretty low most of the times still, but somehow I'm now at a point where I can look back on this stuff and say:

"This was messed up. There's nothing you could have done better or to prevent it. The teacher should not have acted like this. Adults should have protected you and take your desperation seriously. The other kids, no matter their own awful experiences were not entitled to treat you like shit. You're réactions are not over the top, they were cries for help. You did not deserve this, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if I could turn back in time, I would come to your aid and kick their arses."

I wasted so much time hating myself. I might not be perfect, no one is, but I'm okay. I'm enough. I don't have to be outstanding at something to be worth it, I already am, by merely existing. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of respect. I might have had a lot of help and I might took longer than most around ne, but I accomplished things. Things people like the math Teacher or stupid parents of stupid classmates told me I never will.

I got my high-school diploma. I studied. It took me 6 instead of 3 years for a Bachelor's degree, but I was experiencing flashback anxiety because it reminded me if school and I had to stay at home for one whole year, because I was so deep into anxiety and depression. And I made it.

I'm the first one with an academic degree in my whole family. Despite feeling like shit and thinking I can do nothing, I decided to pull through. The scores I had on papers do not define how professional I am, because I had to write them with severe panic attacks and procrastination problems.

I had long and stable relationships. I learned to drive. I figured I'm Bi, came out and nothing terrible happened. I went to Japan, with my girlfriend at the time for two months, just the two of us. I moved out and lived with another person. I quit a toxic job, because I knew it was toxic. I made friends.

Writing this down does not come easy, but I'm doing it right now. Being able to admit my successes is a huge step. I'm currently experiencing something like a second adolescents, and I think that's because I finally understand that I have to learn what I really am, what I want. I might overcompensate but that's okay. After 13 years of therapy and meds, and a noch most time without much help in this regard I'm allowed to do so.

I will not be loved by everyone and that's okay, because it means I don't have to love everyone in return. People do like me for what I am, even if it's hard to grasp. I'm not too old for things with 33 and I'm allowed to like "childish" stuff and it does not make me less of an adult. I deserve happiness and to cut toxic people out of my life. I will find a new job and it's okay if I feel like I don't know anything, I'm not dumb and I can learn quick.

I'm more than my mental illness, it does not define me completely.

#depression #anxiety #anxiety disorder #mental health

[ogb211-blog]

A bit about me, inspired by a friend

Shoutout to George, had this written beforehand but never thought about posting it anywhere until you did so, big thanks for that. This is gonna be a load of shite for the most part, just me rambling on because it makes me feel better and I don’t really know what else to do at this point because talking to people helps but, getting out of your own head is a battle only you can fight at times. Apologies in advance if anyone ends up reading this crap. So I’m 8, primary school is going great, I’m on the verge of getting into one of the best secondary schools               in the area, going to breeze my 11+ (A test that determines if you’re capable of grammar schools or not, for those who don’t know) and I’m loving life, I play football, always out with mates at the park and whatever, love my family and couldn’t be happier. Then one night, I’m at my aunts, upstairs in my cousin’s room watching tv, quiet night except there’s arguing and crying downstairs, I’m young and scared so I keep to myself, eventually my aunt comes up to the room, and asks me if I love her. I obviously love her, she’s my second mum basically, but I’m so scared and confused I don’t answer, I’m sat there in complete shock, so she sobs and leaves the room. I feel awful but don’t see it as anything more than another argument between her and my uncle. I wake up the next day to find out she’s been pulled out of the sea, dead. To this day we’re still not sure if it was suicide, some sort of attack or a freak accident, point is she was pushed out of that house by an abusive husband and a group of people her couldn’t save her before it was too late, I still feel a strange sense of guilt to this day, not that it was ‘my fault’, but if I had said something that night, just told her I loved her, maybe things might’ve been different. The family is torn apart, my aunts’ children all split up and go their own ways, some even side with the uncle because he’s rich and can provide them with housing etc, despite him robbing their mothers funeral fund, it’s a crazy world. I’ve stayed in my room for pretty much 5-6 months now, only leaving to go to the toilet. I fuck up my 11+, decide not to appeal it because I don’t particularly care for it all. Fast forward to year 9, I’m way overweight, paranoid to fuck because I can’t even trust my own family and underachieving because I can’t get my head, straight nor can I stay motivated. Start going out drinking more often in parks or at house parties because it’s fun, eventually sneaking out, getting into arguments with my mum and her new partner. Drinks lead to drugs and by the age of 16 I’ve already started using ketamine and a few other things to take the edge off of things, between the pressure to succeed because of my family, the stress from my family situation and my mums’ new partner being a piece of shit, and the insecurity, paranoia and mild depression that had started to set in. It went from being a fun thing to being a dependant, if I’m not drunk or high, I’m probably miserable. This continues for a few years, somehow, I do alright in my gcse’s and sixth form and end up in Coventry for uni, this is before I met most of you. Moving away was both liberating and fucking awful, its nice to have freedom, but it teaches you a lot about yourself, you learn that perhaps you’re not entirely cut out for things as you are. The first little while is nice, my housemates are really cool people, we go out, have a good relationship and structure, things are cool. Eventually things go pretty far south, the old habits that I had from previous years re-emerge and my mental health takes a turn for the worst. Second year I’m missing pretty much every lecture there is, missing assignments and spending all day locked up in a freezing cold room, in the dark, playing games or drinking or taking shit. Suicidal thoughts had been there but I’d never really taken it seriously, however one night, after some drinking and a little too much time alone, I eventually tried to take my own life. Thankfully it didn’t kill me, but it made me realise I’m fucked, and cannot make it alone, not for now. So I moved back home down south, never told anyone the genuine reason for why I came back, just stated homesickness. So that’s where these last few months begin. Things are better in some areas, and worse in others. Its nice having the support and general good feeling of family being around, on the other hand I find myself constantly dealing with drama and problems revolving around my littlest brother and his dad, who’s currently pushing for full custody and such, despite being an abusive sociopath, somehow he’s still got a decent case going, it’s a big thing on my mind and all I can do is hope for the best. My other little brother, Charlie, has been suffering from something I don’t even understand myself, he constantly has migraines, can’t really walk around properly without losing balance, and the pressure in his back was scarily high for a while, luckily things are a lot better, but its hard seeing someone helplessly suffer like that. Especially someone close. The substance and drinking stuff never really subsided however, neither did the depression. I’ve had moments where I’d just take walks at like 3am, hoping something would happen. I’ve been fortunate to meet some incredible people over the last few years too, and as of recent. One in particular who sadly I fell out with, you’ll likely never read this but, I’m sorry for everything, and you really do mean the world to me, one day I hope perhaps things go back to the way they were before. But I’ve always struggled to trust and take friendships seriously, never confided in people much, nor have I really ever been good with empathy, honestly I’m not the greatest person around when I take a deeper look at myself. As of recent, I have good friends and people around me, who some days I trust, sometimes I completely detest, I can’t explain why I feel such things, I wish I could. I’ve been clean from drugs for around 3 months now, been in therapy on and off for around 4. It helps a lot, but its hard to be honest and real with yourself when you’ve spent so long avoiding those kind of questions. There are a lot of good days where I feel like things are gonna be great in the future and maybe I’ll stop acting out and shit, there are other days I don’t get out of bed or bother to give anyone the time of day. I don’t think I’ll ever be permanently happy at all, and that’s okay, things are getting better, ish.  This summer is gonna be huge, planning to work on myself a lot, physically and mentally. Uni ends in a month and after that I have a lot of free time, its up to me to make sure its used well. Despite everything previously said, I’m extremely fortunate to be in the position I’m in now, and will never forget that. Still not sure what the point of this is entirely, but it felt good to just write a bunch of stuff for a bit, hopefully it’ll maybe help someone else. Like others talking about their own experiences has helped me. I know I don’t take myself too seriously at all, especially on social media or around others, because, so this might seem extremely weird, but hopefully if me, being the dumbass that I am, can be a little honest with myself and others, it might inspire some good somewhere else. Thanks for reading, Ben.

[patrick-weeks]

Dear Family, You’re Being Manipulated

PREFACE: If you are a family member I IMPLORE you to read this in its entirety. Yes, I know it’s long, but I think if you have the time to release your relentless judgement on my mother, you have ten minutes to listen to the other side. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Period.  I want you to read this in order to LISTEN, and COMPREHEND—NOT so you can figure out how to rebut. If you are a friend, this will be a bit TMI for you, but I can’t stop you from reading it. Continue with discretion if you decide to read.

I was going to hold off making this post until after the holidays to spare any family reading this from negative emotions during a supposedly happy time of the year, but when Abby, my TEN YEAR OLD sister is sobbing in the bathroom because her grandmother texted her and called her a “nasty little girl” on Christmas Eve, that’s not something I feel is possible anymore.

SHORT VERSION OF PART I and II: (again, if you are a family member, PLEASE read the full parts).

Tommy has been abusive to my mother, my sister, and I for as long as I can remember. He is a manipulative narcissist. He used money to manipulate us, and the household was always extremely toxic. After the divorce, he claimed he wanted to rebuild our relationship. I foolishly bought into it, but it was all insincere and manipulative, I later found out.

SHORT VERSION OF PART III:

I moved out/was kicked out of the house due to a verbal altercation between Tommy and I, where he admitted he didn’t believe he did anything wrong, proving his attempt to rebuild a relationship was founded on lies. My mother and her fiancé came to pick me and Abby up, and we left that night.

PART I: Background

As many of you know, my mother (Julie) separated from Tommy Weeks in July, causing quite a stir within both sides of the family, and within my sister and I. My mother had been realizing the necessity of this split for years, but wasn’t financially stable enough to do so and was in perpetual denial . However, after acquiring a new job and some soul searching, she made the decision.

I was immediately happy about this decision. I have had a terrible relationship with Tommy for my entire life. He has been physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me for all of my childhood and adolescence. This includes, but is NOT limited to:

- constant screaming, name calling, and degradation all throughout childhood (Age 4-18)

- several instances of aggressively striking my face, usually more than once at a time (Age 6-13)

- sitting me down to tell me directly “I don’t like you” (Age 9)

- multiple instances of degrading me about my weight in ways that were NOT constructive(Age 11-13)

- telling me during a car ride that “I’m not important” (Age 15)

- choking/strangling me against a wall to the point of light-headedness (Age 15)

- body slamming me onto hard wood flooring after a long physical struggle due to a verbal altercation that escalated into violence (Age 16).

These are only the most significant things I can remember off the top of my head that have stuck with me into adulthood. The abuse was chronic, and is PERFECTLY described by this post entitled “The narcissist playbook.” Read if you would like to further understand the kind of emotional and psychological abuse, manipulation, and degradation that occurred in the household:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a916w9/the_narcissist_playbook/

The environment of the house was always one structured in fear. We had to walk on eggshells in order to never upset him. Him being upset meant verbal degradation and physical pain. You could never critique any action of his or he would get mad. He would combat any critique of his actions or character by reciting how much he does for us.  He used gifts and money to manipulate us. He would make us feel like a monetary burden, and would constantly guilt us of how much we cost him. If you had any problem with him, you were unappreciative for what he does for you or what he’s bought you. Money was always his biggest manipulative tool.

Now that that’s out of the way, I hope you can understand how toxic this household was. If he was like this to his son, you can only imagine what he was like towards his wife. I don’t believe there were any instances of physical abuse between the two, but there were absolutely years and years of verbal and emotional abuse towards my mother (again, perfectly described in the link above). I would not wish the amount of suffering she’s been through on anyone. But, due to everyone’s immature lack of understanding that there ARE two sides to EVERY story, my mom was judged relentlessly for her decision to divorce. Especially by her close family members who turned their back on her, again, without knowing what goes on behind closed doors.

PART II: The Divorce and Rebuilding

After the separation, Tommy broke down the next time I saw him and sobbed in my lap, apologizing profusely. He admitted “he really fucked up.” He BEGGED me to let him fix our relationship. This was really hard to immediately come to terms with, due to the life I just previously described. After what must have been two hours of this, I gave in. I decided that I would give him that second chance at our relationship. He started going to therapy for his anger management problems. I would visit him across the street, where he was staying, every two or three days to have hour-long conversations with him. I was stunned. I felt like a relationship was actually developing. I felt he truly meant the kind things he was saying to me.

Then, I went to college. My first semester were the absolute best months of my life. However, I also had a lot of time to think and consider my relationship with Tommy. He would call me often, and usually always end up trying to talk about the divorce. Eventually all talk on the phone turned VERY anti-Julie, and I began to realize I was being manipulated yet again. This was very off putting, and I began to ignore some of his texts and calls, not wanting that daily dose of negativity he tried to give me. He would always call or text me about my mother, trying to get me on his side. This was a slow realization, but it finally came to fruition when he told me “When your mother gets hurt and hits rock bottom, I’m not gonna be there when she comes crawling back.” I was extremely taken aback. I explained how it’s cruel that he wants and is expecting that to happen. I told him I couldn’t be in support of that mindset. This led the conversation to me telling him how I had this creeping feeling that none of relationship building he had done was genuine. He insured me this was not the case. I was still very suspicious, but I did not completely abandon hope at that point. There started to be more instances of aggression, including a phone call where he screamed at the top of his lungs at me while I was eating in the dining hall, because I was upset with him because he betrayed my trust (long story, not worth it). This was when I had the feeling my suspicions were correct, considering he had promised to never scream at me again a few months prior.

Winter break arrived, and he came to pick me up. I didn’t put up any walls, and I didn’t fake any feelings. I was stern and short in my interactions with him because I was upset by his recent actions, and he noticed. He could tell I was slipping from his manipulative grip.

PART III: Moving Out

On December 20, 2018, I moved out/was kicked out of my childhood home (I say moved out/kicked out, because I was told to leave and to get out, but I was happy to do so and put up no resistance.).

That night when Tommy came home, he attempted to make conversation with me in my room. I did not want to make conversation with him, as all of these thoughts about manipulation and betrayal were at the forefront of my mind, considering I was supposed to go to Florida with him and my sister for a week, starting Dec 26. I was dreading this trip, as I knew it was just a way to get us on “his side.” Keep in mind, this was also Abby’s birthday present, and he promised he would take her.

When I came down to eat dinner, it was just him and I at the table. He asked me if something was wrong, and I said no. He said it seemed like I was mad at him. I said I wasn’t, I was just miserable whenever I came home because of the negative energy due to the divorce. He proceeded to be highly, personally offended by this statement, and rambled for a few minutes, and then proceeded to bring up almost every single past major argument we’ve ever had, all of which have been previously resolved. He was looking for a fight. Then when we were talking about the reason our relationship is bad and the reasons for the divorce he said, very dramatically, “You know what Patrick? I did nothing wrong.” Smile on his face. No remorse. He blatantly admitted that every single thing he had shoved down my throat for the past six months about being sorry and wanting to change and accepting responsibility was a lie. My true feelings came out. I told him pretty much everything I said in Part I of this post. He was screaming and I was battling to be heard. I called him out on lying to me for months and he responded with “You know what? Fine.  Go live with your mother. Leave. I’m done with you. I’ll see you on the other side.” Abby obviously heard this altercation and called Mom, who called the police to come and make sure nothing violent happened. Mom asked me if  I wanted to go with her and Abby, and I said yes. I left that night, and only returned the next day to retrieve all of my belongings from the house. I am now living with Abby and my mother in her apartment.

That same night I moved out, Tommy texted my mother:

So, clearly, he intended to break his promise to Abby in this moment, and go without her.

Also, the next day, he revoked his co-signer signature from my student loan, took my phone off the phone plan, and asked me to return the key to the house and the key to my car. I feel these are natural consequences of ending my relationship with Tommy, but I figured I’d include it for details’ sake. He also said Mom could have custody of Abby.

PART IV: Christmas Weekend

Two days later, I overheard Tommy facetiming Abby, asking if “Mommy had said anything about letting you come over for Christmas?” This was highly confusing as he had just claimed he was going to Florida without Abby for Christmas (this was unbeknownst to Abby at this point). My mother texted Tommy a direct quote of what he said: “You can have Patrick and Abby for Christmas. I’m going to FL.” He responded:

Two days later, he found out his leave wasn’t cancelled:

He facetimed her and told her they were now going, making her extremely excited, as she’s been looking forward to Harry Potter World for months. However, this was clearly EXTREMELY manipulative. In good conscience, we could not let Abby make the decision to go without knowing the full truth of how Tommy originally planned to go without her. We showed her the first text where Tommy stated he would go to FL without Abby. She read the text, and immediately stormed out of the room, crying. She locked herself in the bathroom, and I attempted to talk to her from outside the door. After calming her down, she let me in, and showed me that she texted Tommy.

He then adamantly attempt to FaceTime her, and she adamantly declined.

Notice the gaslighting: “You’re mad at me for no reason.”

Tommy’s mother then texted me:

Notice the lie: “She told your dad that your Mother said he was using her.” I have provided all screenshots, you can see clearly that Abby tells Tommy he used her on her own accord, she does NOT say “Mom told me you used me,” she says “You used me.” And, when she said those things to Tommy, she was locked in the bathroom, alone.

Notice the monetary manipulation (seems familiar).

Notice the strawmanning: “I’ll let Uncle Eddie and them know you don’t want anything to do with them either.”

Notice the self-victimization: “You two have hurt us and We do not deserve this!”

and then she texted my mother:

Notice the listing of material objects. Gift/monetary manipulation.

Tommy then texted my mother throughout the day:

Notice the blaming: “Are you going to let me take her to FL or not.” He places the blame on Mom because it’s impossible for him to admit that Abby doesn’t want to go because of him. It HAS to be someone else manipulating her or us forcing her to stay here, because he can’t possibly be at fault.

My mother then responded to Tommy:

Notice the blame-shifting: “You have lied to her.”, “It is you who is using this child.”

Then Tommy’s mother texted Abby:

These are the most infuriating screenshots of the whole post. How cold does your heart have to be to insult your ten-year-old granddaughter. Absolutely disgusting and vile.

Notice the monetary/gift manipulation.

This is Abby’s grandmother. Abby is ten years old. This speaks for itself. Abby ran into the bathroom sobbing. Just a reminder that this is Christmas Eve.

My mother then texted Tommy:

Notice the removal of blame and backpedalling: “I didn’t know what I was going to be able to do.” “I didn’t know if I was going to be able to come down.”

Notice the blame-shifting: “[you] started manipulating her yet again.” “You were just waiting…to make her upset”.

Then he defends his mother, rather than his ten year old daughter who was just insulted by her grown family member:

“The only reason Abby is being nasty is because of you.” She WASN’T “being nasty.” All she did was say no. But this middle-aged man can’t take no for an answer. I do not have an ounce of sympathy for Tommy. Just complete pity.

My mom sent her final response to Tommy:

The last texts sent, as of right now, were from Tommy’s mother to my mother. They were more attempts an intimidation, and more attempts to get a reaction. Mom did not respond.

And that’s it. We are going to have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas without Tommy.

I hope this post has highlighted how EXCELLENT Tommy is at manipulating. He has a LOT of family members wrapped around is finger through his manipulation and lies. I hope, after reading this, you realize that he is being deceitful, and that you are being blinded by his cunning ability.

After reading this, I honestly can not comprehend how you can be “on Tommy’s side,” or endorse any of his actions. He was a depressive weight that has been lifted off all of our shoulders. All of us are exponentially happier without him. Keep in mind, I was willing to give him a second chance. I was in support of his therapy for his anger management issues and genuinely thought he could change. I genuinely believed he was changing. I was fooled. Shame on me.

Happy Holidays,

Patrick Weeks

[cicatriselle-blog]

Ouch.

(Also known as: here’s how piercing my nipples was a glorious act of self-care and an important step in my recovery/healing/story!)

Sooo. Hi. It’s been a while. This is going to be long and rambling.

I got my nipples pierced a month ago. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for at least five or six years. it connects to Longtime in that when I’ve expressed that previously, he never explicitly was like, “no, you can’t do that”…but he very much made clear that he did not like that idea or the look and generally all sorts of negative-nope-naysay comments. Then, with the boy (who has all sorts of piercings, including his nipples, that he’d done himself—yes, I know, sigh)…I’d talked about it with him, and he said he’d pierce my nipples for me. Luckily, that never came to pass for a variety of reasons (the boy had supposedly pierced a lot of people in high school, but had stopped), but it goes to show how much I trusted the boy and how incorrectly calibrated my good idea meter was because of that. During our situationship (thanks @thegassedlight) there was even a point where he offhandedly let me know he’d pierced [some random girl’s name I’d never heard previously]. I was like. Uh. I’m not okay that you just, did that? Without saying anything or asking or letting me know? And he was like sorry, blah blah blah. (I am pretty sure he probably did indeed, but that he did it to his now-wife.) ANYWAY. Anyway.

The boy had really emotionally abused/fucked over another girl, whom he’d introduced me to and we’d interacted with a few times, whom I’ll refer to as Red. I poured my heart out to her the night and days following The Shit, and she and I traded timelines and found out that there was even a point that he was cheating on (at least??) me, Red, and his current wife. At some point I talked about the nipple piercings, one of the many things he said he’d/we’d do and it never happened, and she shared with me that her current boyfriend is a piercer and if I wanted to get it done to just let her know. (And I loved that narrative; getting my nipples pierced by the boyfriend of another girl who (was unfortunately) emotionally destroyed by the boy, too, but who is now doing so, so much better, and is loved by someone else that’s so, so much healthier for her.)

August 16th, 2017 was significant in that it was the day I broke up with the boy. I’d written a wonderful letter to him two days prior that I’ll post in a bit, which basically said either we do this or we don’t, I’m not tolerating this shit anymore, that I’m healing with or without him. We came together on the 16th…and he told me he wanted to help me heal….but as friends. Even though we’d been fucking and acting like a couple and not even two weeks prior had gone on a romantic camping trip. Why had I written him this letter at all? After our lovely trip toward the end of July 2017, my Spidey sense was tingling again in mid-August, as it did from time to time. I hadn’t looked in a while, but something told me to go look at [his now wife]’s Instagram. She’d blocked me on there for some weird reason (I have a feeling he’d taken her phone and done so), so I opened an incognito tab and saw a picture wherein she thanked the boy for dyeing her hair so well (despite him having told me he’d cut off contact with her since earlier in the year, other than some bullshit about how she was living with his best friend [x] and that’s why asdkajdlak I can’t even go into that. But because he’d told me he wanted me, he wanted to work on us, that he was choosing this relationship and had severed the relationship with her because I told him that can’t happen if you have any contact with her). Anyway. The dyed hair thing. I can’t even remember what he said in response, that he was at a friend’s house, and that she showed up, and needed help dyeing her hair, something. It was so stupid. SO, so, so, so, stupid. I didn’t believe it then. So I wrote him this letter. I was done with him telling me bullshit. I had reached a point where I was perfectly ready for the relationship to continue, with major changes, or for the relationship to end, and that be that. But it never ONCE occurred to me that he might not want to be with me romantically. That he thought of me as just a friend. Because I certainly don’t go on romantic camping trips/do couple-y things/have sex with “just a friend.” Eye. fucking. roll.

Anyway. So another anniversary was coming up. I was feeling anxious about it. It was looming over me, as all these benchmarks seem to do for some weird reason. That whole tumblr post about anxiety being like hearing the boss music but you don’t see the boss, that sums it up. Or, like the theme from Jaws, as I said to a friend of mine recently. Foreboding. Ominous. About a week beforehand, the nipple piercings thing popped up in my mind again. I thought it over a day, and then reached out to Red. It felt like it was the right time. We talked a bit. And then I picked out the jewelry I wanted and she said she’d let her boyfriend know and that they’d arrive in the shop in about a week.

I told Red that I was intending to get them done the 16th. Work had been decent that day, but I was physically feeling weird all day, and started second-guessing myself. I had a tearful therapy session that afternoon. And then on the way home, I was like, fuck this, I’m going to fucking do it. I’m re-authoring this story. I’m replacing this day with something positive. This is the day I got my nipples pierced. Not the day the boy somehow broke my heart in a new way, not the day I remember walking away from him in the rain, not the day I expected a no but got somehow an even worse answer. I’m erasing that memory with this one; the pencil marks under it still remind me that I wrote something else first, but what I’m choosing to write instead is there now because I wanted it to be there.

Once I stopped waffling in my head, I messaged my roommate and she was happy to come along for support (who also has her nipples pierced). I went and picked up Red (WHO ALSO HAS HER NIPPLES PIERCED). Red and I have interacted several times in real life, but I finally got to meet her cat and she came over and saw my place. I packed a “don’t faint/seize/etc” bag with some mini Snickers bars and a tiny can of Mountain Dew (along with more sensible items like dark chocolate-covered almonds and crackers) and the three of us went to the shop. I was really nervous. But I was totally, nobody can change my mind or tell me what to fucking do, I-worked-13 hours-over-what-I-was-hired-for-this-pay-period-so-I’m-gonna-spend-it-on-meeee, 100% going to pierce my nipples.

I felt at ease when we got there and I met her boyfriend. He knew ALL about the boy—knew intimately how he had fucked Red over, the lingering damage he’d done, and knew how he had destroyed me in a new way because she’d talked about me. There was an apprentice with him, too. It turned out that everyone BUT me in that damn room (so, 4 out of 5 people) had their nipples pierced. I nervously made some joke about not being part of the cool kids club. But I felt safe.

I imagine that getting your nipples/anything else of the sort is kind of a weird situation to begin with. But I knew Red, my roommate…and knew “of”/but had only just met her boyfriend. I wanted both Red and my roommate there, but it was a little trippy to take off my tank top and unlatch my front-closing bra (which I never wear, but it seemed like a perfect time to actually do so) and show my breasts in front of 4 people who had previously never seen them before while he marked my nipples for placement.

(Also, props to Red: dude is so much cuter than the boy, so sweet, doesn’t drink at all, takes care of himself, and gave off super calming vibes. And has actually good tattoos and a stable job. It made me go. Oh, yeah girl, he’s fucking cute. If you can heal from what he did to you and find love again, maybe I can too.)

Red had previously offered to hold my hand and as we got ready she grabbed my hand (which, now that I’m thinking about it, is probably the only physical contact we’ve ever had) and it was so comforting. Red’s boyfriend was very professional and I trusted him totally, he walked me through how he’s going to do it and when he wants me to breathe and all that. The week prior, Red had told me he’d ask which nipple was more sensitive, which is a question I’d never asked myself before; I went, huh, I…don’t know, and then banjo-strummed both, and found out that my left nipple is indeed more sensitive. (I was so excited to find something new about myself I didn’t know before, haha.) So he pierced that one first.

I felt fine initially, and then started feeling weird. I said, I don’t know if I’m faint-y or not yet, but I let him know I felt kind of weird and he gave me a cool washcloth and told me to just relax and breathe. I said, hold on, let’s see what my pulse is, and my pulse was 53, so I asked for my “don’t faint” bag and chugged my tiny little can of Mountain Dew. We waited several minutes and then I was like, okay, pulse is back to normal, let’s do the other one. And did it!

It didn’t hurt too badly. I loved how they looked. It was a perception-changing act for me. Not only was I saying fuck you to Longtime (who’d poopoo-ed the idea many times in our relationship), but I was replacing “here is another thing the boy said he’d do and didn’t [and probably did with his now wife]” with “I went out and fucking did this myself on a meaningfully significant date that I previously had associated with something painful and I made it part of my healing narrative.” I caused myself actual physical trauma, triggering some feelings and sensations and emotions I had not felt in a while, in a controlled, supportive environment. I got to pick how the hurt happened that day. And the hurt wasn’t the focus of the whole thing; I wanted to do it because I’d been wanting to do it for years. I wanted to do something to make myself feel beautiful. Instead of having a panic attack thinking about the minutiae of that evening the year before, I got to have my new day. I took all the elements—the boy, nipple piercings, Red, Red’s boyfriend being an actual piercer, August 16th, my roommate—and I got to redo it all. Instead of having my nipples pierced by someone who systematically abused me, I had my nipples pierced by the boyfriend of someone who had experienced some of the same things, by the same person, and she’s here holding my hand as I leap into this experience and the boy is not. I wanted to connect these threads in my life in a way that felt empowering and healing and transformative. It was beautiful and sunny that evening. We had the windows down on the way home. A new memory. A rewrite.

I’m so glad I did it. I thought I was CURED of anxiety for about a week afterwards (spoiler alert: I was merely riding on the high of all sorts of adrenaline and pain responses and other hormones, I’m sure, haha). I felt so calm and cool and collected in a way I never had. Relaxed. At peace. And then “I” came back. Anxiety came back. Freaking out about work came back. But since then, I just. I don’t know. It feels different. It was a really healing act for me. I’m so proud of myself.

I’m going to stop here for now. But that’s where I am. My therapist told me she’s moving to California in a month yesterday. A year ago, I would’ve had a crisis. It would’ve been super jarring and I’d be in meltdown mode. I guess, I did do that, since my old therapist basically dumped me right after I found out that the boy had gotten married to the girl he’d cheated on me with ten months prior. tI think I am kind of having a micro-one, but the fact that I finally de-emotionally constipated myself by writing all this out, feels better. I think I’m sad about it. Yet I think this is the push I need to actually start trauma-based work/EMDR. We talked about it in session yesterday and she agreed. She asked if I wanted to continue seeing her or start transitioning now, and I said. It would be good to have a therapeutic situation wherein I actually have termination carried out properly, since I have never done that, and I would like for us to process and discuss our relationship ending so that it can happen in a positive way. Like. Woah, me.

She agreed I’m doing better, too. I have been exercising regularly, for the first time, since, childhood?? And it makes my brain feel better? WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME? (I might be being a little sarcastic regarding that query.) Eating is still not great. I am using my DBT skills naturally, which is cool. It often does still feel like whack-a-mole—once I feel like I have something figured out, another problem pops up. I guess that’s life, though.

Wow. How my mind meandered. I took my medication this afternoon with the intent to look back at my journals, something, I don’t know. (I was prescribed intranasal ketamine in PHP last December for treatment-resistant depression; it’d always been something I wanted to try but was out of my reach until I ended up at that hospital’s program). I grabbed the journal I’d kept during that time (the first ever composition notebook I completely filed every page of), the one I’d started after that, and the 2 wire bound notebooks I kept when I was with the boy, hoping to finally face head-on some of these things I’ve been avoiding re-processing for a while. I think part of it was me wanting to activate myself. In a healthy way, but also maybe not. I feel really good about the thing with my therapist but I know there are elements at work in my brain, things I have no control over, that are probably dealing with abandonment, again. Again again again again. It feels better now, I feel more in-tune with myself, but I know that some of these things I don’t have any control over. So maybe that’s why I wanted to grab all of these notebooks and re-activate myself. I dunno.

I feel good. Things are okay. I still hurt a lot. But it’s okay.

#mine #the boy #longtime #therapist #red #dbt #positivity #trauma #emdr #ketamine #abandonment #eating #august 16th

[self-acclaimed-fangirl]

January 2, 2018

A Quick Update:

So I’ve only recently been active on Tumblr for a few months after a year or two, aside from a few stray posts every once and awhile when I would log on out of extreme boredom, or the occasional cry for help when my depression got bad and I had nowhere else to vent. So here’s a quick update of my life in the last year. 

Probably the biggest news is that I dropped out of college. For those that don’t know or don’t remember, I was attending Millikin University pursuing a degree in music. I just did not excel and my depression kept getting worse and worse. It was to the point I was having several anxiety attacks a day and was rarely - if ever - showing up to class. I guess you could say I flunked out of school, despite it almost being a mutual farewell... though if my family were ever to ask, I definitely dropped. 

During my last semester, I was enrolled in a bariatric surgery program (aka weight loss surgery). I’m at my highest weight right now. Which I’ll get into later. At the time my mental health was too terrible to continue, so I was in therapy. During therapy, my mother had an absolutely terrible time with the workers in the program and so we both decided to drop it. We’ve been in pursuit of a different one, but being in such a rural part of the state, there aren’t many options nearby.

After I left college, I was hired on full-time as a shift manager at Sbarro. I learned a lot there. I feel like I grew as a person and I’m thankful for that insite to real, everyday life. Not that I haven’t had jobs before, but they were always just part time, during the summer jobs for some spending money. I had a lot of issues there with higher management. I and my family both feel I experienced a sort of emotional abuse there. It was almost like I was a kid on a playground again. Suffice to say, I completed a full year there as of December 5, 2017, and am no longer employed there. 

I adopted a cat!! Well.. sort of. Last April a stray cat showed up around the yard and he just sort of chose the family. My grandma and mother don’t want another indoor cat, so we made him a home on our front porch with a heated cat house, plastic to block the wind and keep the cold out (it comes down during the winter so he doesn’t get hot), and plenty of water, food, and loves. He is a orange tabby that I named Butters (Mr. Butters, Bubs, Bubbers, etc.). His story is strange, we have no idea where he came from. Originally we thought he was a female because he didn’t have balls (lol I’m sorry to be so blunt), but when we took him to be spayed, they told us they couldn’t spay her because she was a boy that was ALREADY neutered!! I love my Butters. 

I’ve fallen for so many people... which is hilarious and strange because I don’t fall for people easily. I mean, like... it’s really hard, almost. I find that I have to have a lot in common with the person and really really enjoy their company and conversation. Three boys and one girl have broken my heart to pieces. I don’t want to specifically name names but... Richard you’re a tremendous cunt and the boy scouts would be much better off if you had never been a part of them. And Nick... we  bonded over love of Marianas Trench. The band that absolutely is the soundtrack to my heart. I let you in and you deceived me. You can kindly kiss the fattest part of my ass. As far as the other two, you broke my heart but there really wasn’t anything that could be done about it, as it was out of both of our hands. Best wishes to you.

Concerning my weight... some of you may know that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). If you’re not familiar with this it’s basically like my ovaries are at war. With what I’m not sure to describe... each other maybe?? My body is more likely. In short, I produce too much testosterone, my ovaries (may or may not) have cysts on them at any given time, my period is out of whack (to be accurate I haven’t had a natural period since I was probably 13, all other periods since then have been induced from medicine), I have extreme trouble loosing weight, ect. If you’re that interested you can look it up. But this chronic disease makes my life a living hell and I’m very displeased to have it. Honestly I just want to be a regular woman. I’m extremely overweight and obese at the moment. Other than this my health is good, but things have to change. I’m considering taking up the keto diet, which a lot of cycters  (PCOS diagnosed nickname) have. I suppose we shall see. 

We almost moved back to North Carolina this summer. There was a perfect little house not far from our beloved island that we even had pending on purchase. But my grandmother decided not to go along with it. Which broke my heart because I absolutely loved the place. The backyard looked out on Slew Point Road that my Pap-Pap (Great-Grandpa) grew up on. It was in a beautiful neighborhood and was in just such a perfect place... I fear that I’ll never end up leaving Illinois. Though, I do have many fears about actually leaving. I fear leaving all my friends behind. As a little kid I always fantasized about our children being friends and growing up together. Though, since most of my friends and old classmates have already begun to have children, and I’m not even looking at being in a serious relationship anytime soon, I doubt that will happen. If I ever end up having a child it will probably be 10(+) years. 

I’ve attended a great deal of concerts... From 5 Seconds of Summer (I might have still been on Tumblr regularly when that one happened), to seeing my favorite island man, Jimmy Buffett (TWICE!!), childhood favorite, Alan Jackson, My heart, Marianas Trench, A rained out Panic! At the Disco/Weezer concert (That one was terrible, we stood in the rain for 3 + hours just for them to end up canceling the concert on us at the end of the third hour), to a kick ass Foo Fighters concert this past November and finally getting to see ED SHEERAN in concert!!!! ... I’d have to say my list of live music events is something I could pretty much die happy with right now. 

Well, I’m sure there’s plenty more I could elaborate on and inform you of, But I’ve been typing for like 40 minutes so I’m just going to leave this as my update. I may potentially write more updates in the future. We’ll see. 

Have a wonderful day/night wherever you are! <3

#update #diary #1/2/18 #pcos #concerts #my life #work

[peopleofcolourmatter]

Becoming Accustom to Abuse and Desiring it

             I have honestly come to a drastic realization this summer 2017, and I just want to share a quick story with you guys. Throughout my life i have faced a tremendous amount of trauma and abuse, from family members; I believe that abuse that started at home has honestly shaped my entire outlook on life. In September 2016, I wanted to start this year off by getting some form of help, so I started seeing a psychiatrist at my University to help me change my perspective on life and stop being so paranoid that everyone in this life is going to hurt me. Then in January of 2017, 3 days before my birthday I experienced a traumatic event, which included a male individual mistreating me and I spiralled back into my self-destructive tendencies, and stopped going to my therapy sessions. Then I met a guy a month ago, who was extremely kind to me, and treated me right and cared for me, and for some reason that scared me off. I genuinely believed something had to be wrong with him, for him to be treating me like this, there had to be some ulterior motive as to why he was talking to me, how clearly wanted something from me, or he was going to use me and discard me like I was trash.

           The more time I spent with him, the more I began to realize that maybe he didn’t just want to use me and throw me away, but I still couldn’t be 100% certain, so I legitimately did everything in my natural power to push him away, thinking “if he’s really worth it, or a good guy then he’ll be able to stick around through the bullshit I put him through, and PROVE himself to me” but human beings can only take so much disrespect, and I would disrespect this man on a daily basis, by flaunting all the different guys I was with, and how I was just using him “cause I was bored and he payed for my shit” (guys I am aware I am a horrible person). I just found it very difficult to understand why he could possibly even like me for me, like what was so special about me? I am just plain old me? right? Anyways the final straw for him was when he came over to my apartment to just say hi to me before he had to drop off his sister, and there were 6 other guys in my apartment with my girl there as well. I tried to act like I didn’t know any of these guys would have been there when he came over, but I did, and I knew it would upset him, and I proceeded to do it, for some unknown reason. 

             I guess this guy finally had enough and cut off all contact from me, and recently I just saw he started talking to a new girl, and I don’t know why it made me feel some type of way, even though when i was talking to him I was avidly talking to other guys in his face, so I have no right to feel sad. I just wanted to post this to say I am so incredibly sorry, for everything I did to you, even though you are probably never going to see this, I just feel so guilty that you met me during such a bad time in my life and I took out my frustrations from my own hurt on you, and now you are most likely judging my character and thinking I am a “fuck girl”, but just know how I treated you has nothing to do with you, the blame falls solely on me, myself and I. Im so sorry. I just want to finally share this quote with you guys about mental/emotional abuse and how it affects people consciously and subconsciously. 

                   “Emotional abuse is the act of belittling, ignoring, corrupting, acting cruel, isolating, rejecting, and scaring another person, which can lead to ultimately winning control over them. It could come from a parent, spouse, co-worker, friend, classmate, or caregiver. Emotional abuse is a form of brainwashing. An extreme example could be locking a child in a bathroom for hours as a punishment. An example of abuse that subtly builds over time could be telling a spouse they are ugly and useless repeatedly. Emotional abuse slowly eats away at a victim's self-confidence until they feel they can no longer trust not only anyone else, but possibly even themselves, as they lose their sense of self-worth. It can sometimes be outwardly displayed in a person’s behaviour or it can be something completely hidden, so emotional abuse is not always easy to spot by the eyes of an outsider”

✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿People of Colour Matter✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

#peopleofcolourmatter #personal #emotional abuse #mental health #mental awareness #mental abuse #pain #hurt #im sorry #im so sorry #black women #black men #women of color #women #men #kindness #sweet #me #pocm #POC #hipocracy #pray for me

[bonnissance]

ur opinion on robbie (as a character, as a plot device in serena being a big ole gaymo, as a... whatever you want)

as a character I haven’t got a lot to say about him w/o going back and rewatching him from the beginning bc i only caught the end half of his arc w Serena but he just seems like a dude who does things and *shrugs*

as a plot device, Robbie is there to a) drag Serena’s confidence down and make her feel like a terrible person who neglects her family and needs to do more than she already is, b) remind the audience she’s Straight™ pre-Bernie, and c) confirm that she is bisexual post-Bernie. 

(this is under the cut bc it ended up w a y longer than I’d anticipated and CW: physical abuse re mentions of Adrienne’s dementia storyline) 

I absolutely think Robbie was—possibly introduced to be, but at the very least—used to ram home Serena’s apparently failings in a family unit. Everything from the beginning of s18 is about how bad Serena is at balancing her family and how she’s wrong (and has been for a long time) to neglect her family the way she apparently does.

This is a woman who willingly groomed herself to endure months (but could just as easily been years) of physical abuse from her mother, while simultaneously shielding her daughter from any filial obligation that would put her in harms way. The same woman who would bend over backwards to spend time with her daughter when she actually has the time, only she hasn’t got a lot of time bc of work.

But when she hasn’t got the time to spend w her family when they want it she’s apparently neglecting them (which is absolute rubbish she doesn’t neglect her family at all, she just shows her appreciation in the way the rest of her family knows how to receive it, just as they don’t show it in a way that Serena knows how to receive it. They all have Emotional Deprivation life traps and need to go to therapy).

But apparently being a woman with a career and a family means she has to chose one or the other and when she “choses” the career bc it’s what she was supposed to be doing in the first place and that’s hers and she’s worked hard for it and it’s hers, she is The Worst™, no matter about the fact that it doesn’t really matter what Serena choses, bc no matter what Serena does or who she tries to become, it’ll never enough for anyone else. 

Robbie is used to sets Serena apparent “wrongness” regarding her priorities, which builds the foundation for Jason’s introduction. Jason and Serena’s initial storyline is banging us over the head about Serena being sorry for her existence, and that she should be sorry about who she is and they way she is. That storyline—her initial inability to accommodate her new family’s needs—is depicted to be another marker of her failing as a human and a women, rather than just someone who’s a bit out of their depths and needs more support until they can figure out how to handle things.

And Robbie is absolutely instrumental in that. Not once (in any scene that I can remember) does he ever say, “Serena, ur gr8 as u r and ur doing the best u can and ur right for the choices uve made u’ve just gotta stick it out a little more”. It’s always “think about these other things (like me) that will take up time and energy” and “let me do things for u that you’ve not asked me to do nor is it even remotely implied that you might want them, bc wouldn’t that make me seem like such a nice dude.” 

Not once does he ever attempt to validate Serena’s choices, or support her as she tries to sort out things, and instead constantly niggles and nags at her about shifting her focus away from the things she wants to do (medicine and her job at first, and then later Jason) to include him in her life plans, rather than supporting her enough to be able to expand her focus to include him. 

so on that note, Robbie can go suck a million fucks.

(On a side note, Serena has literally never once had anyone point out the fact that she shouldn’t have to chose and it wasn’t until Bernie came along that anyone pointed out she’s not wrong for the choices she has made. Bernie sees that Serena is struggling w all the things she wants to do and suggests it might w worth reevaluating which ones are within her grasp of achieving, bc there’s nothing wrong w taking a step back to focus on things that make you happy, and it’s literally the first time anyone has ever validated the choices Serena has made w her life. 

Meanwhile, Ric Griffin swans in to the ward one day, postures like a jerk, stomps all over Bernie and her current life predicament, and then stares broodishly out a window having a life crisis until Bernie validates that he’s not wrong for the choices he’s made. Why the fuck does Ric get that kind of support every other day and Serena gets put through the fucking ringer?!?!?!? me @ holby writers: fight me)

Also, Robbie is also absolutely a plot device used to codify Serena as Straight™ so that the revelation w Bernie is actually a Revelation™. bc w/o having a recent boyfriend, Serena goes back to being a overly flirty character (who’s always had queer potential) who’s been single for ages who then makes this new best friend, and then the falling in love part would is just, “well whoops guess that happened isn’t it grand” *heart eyes*. Robbie is used to confirm her sexuality at the time. 

Interestingly, he’s also used to clarify Serena’s bisexuality as well. Bc even after she has a sapphic awakening about being madly in love w Bernie, she still cares about him, enough to consider getting back together. Hence why, in process of explaining her sexuality to Jason in an offscreen conversation (which probs began w Jason asking what the dealieo is w her dating Bernie now but being w Robbie when she was away), she literally said “it’s more complicated than [being a lesbian now]” rather than “I’m a lesbian w a mixed dating history” or “I’m just in love w Bernie and the rest doesn’t matter”, bc the rest does matter bc it’s still relevant to now.  

And bc Jason is in all likelihood quoting Serena when he says “it’s complicated” later on and he’s more likely to start pulling information from the beginning of that conversation than at any other point, it means that Serena begin explaining her sexuality as “it’s complicated” before going into a bit more detail about the spectrum and then ended the conversation by saying “I’m bisexual.” (like, maybe she doesn’t align w any signifier, but I reckon Serena is chill af w being bi and is happy to scream it at ppl when needs be)

In short, Robbie as a plot device is there to a) drag Serena’s confidence down and make her feel like a terrible person who neglects her family and needs to do more than she already is and b) clarify Serena’s sexuality at multiple points in the narrative.

On the one hand, suck some fucks, on the other hand, important aspect in codifying the spectrum of female same-sex sexuality representation present Holby City.

#i laugh for a million years bc i should have been working on my thesis proposal instead of meta-ing whoops oh well i was feeling rather #tired before i think the break was useful. but as you can see i have a lot of opinions about Serena Campbell's existence and her narrative #treatment in holby city and Robbie is a part of that #Serena Campbell: bisexual extraordinaire #mxquill #thank you darling #love me a good rant #holby city

[obikinbigbang]

Summaries!

(I’m so sorry these are late.) Artists take a peek at these summaries and have in mind which you would like to work with. Please remember that if you are under 18, you will be paired with a SFW fic. I don’t know which ones fully are which, but there are some clearly NSFW ones, so don’t cling to those. It’s not gonna happen. (I don’t mean to be mean, but this is just how it is.) Anyways, love the ideas folks! 

These are the ones that were submitted. Still need to submit a summary, or would like to post an updated/longer version? 

Please do so here! 

Also if you know there will be NSFW, please let me know, so we can help plan ahead of time. 

★ by @anibun-skywalker [NSFW]

Anakin was a freshman at Coruscant Republic University with a full ride basketball scholarship. His skills had been rumored to have been the best in the area, but of course, only by high school standards. Anakin quickly discovered that the head coach, Obi-Wan Kenobi, was the most attractive man he had ever seen in his life. He only intended his coach to remain just that; his coach. Too bad that didn’t work out like he planned.

★ by @prideandprejudiceandkittens [NSFW]

Anakin and Obi-Wan crash-land on the Planet of the Living Force. And, Anakin being Anakin, finds a glowing cave and walks straight into it. When he comes out, he's not alone. A creature of pure Force-dust and soul, his daemon, walks beside him, powerful enough to manifest daemons in those around her. Now back at the Jedi temple, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, and even Mace and Yoda find their lives destabilized by the presence of their soul, palpable and alive, next to them. (To artists: daemons are animals, an idea taken from His Dark Materials.

★ by @darthvders [NSFW]

So my fic is a professor!Obi-Wan and TA/GA!Anakin au where Anakin has just leaving an abusive relationship with the help of Padmé. Obi-Wan is a Philosophy/Ethics professor and Anakin is his GA /TA who is in graduate school to get his masters in both philosophy and psychology (he's a double major). Obi-Wan doesn't feel like he's ready to take on a GA/TA and comes off as standoffish which leads Anakin to think he hates him. It's a slow burn friends to lovers with Anakin going to therapy and realizing that yes he does deserve to be happy. The abusive relationship is more implied and is only in the first chapter, with the occasional flashbacks. This fic will be nsfw but the nsfw will only be between Anakin and Obi-Wan.

★ by @blumyosotis [SFW~]

Ben was born in a distant Moon where the inhabitants worship and are descended from the Starbird, a great flaming bird that is the personification of the Force. He was sent to the Jedi when he was young and apprenticed under Yoda. Years later, in a mission with Qui-gon Jinn to save the Naboo Queen, they emergency land in the planet Tatooine and there he meets a young boy called Anakin who holds the galaxy in his eyes... and apparently can see his wings. He brings(in a manner of speaking) the child back with him to the Temple. Anakin chooses to become a Jedi to help people and becomes an unofficial padawan of Ben. When he is older, the two goes on missions to help a torn kingdom, rescue royalties, topple a dicatorship, and help incite a slave rebellion. Anakin totally loves his master.

★ by @ninadown [NSFW]

Just smut, and lots of it. #Master kink #daddy kink Obi Wan, Anakin and Padme live in New York in a poly relationship. Obi Wan comes from money and can be a bit arrogant at times. He is a New York Times reader and he also works as a negotiator for the UN, and as such, is a Very Important Person. He has the ear of the president on occasion. Anakin is a bit flighty, and is a very high in demand male model. Not that this has gone to his head…When he’s not obsessing about working out, he’s obsessing about his Master. He has somewhat of a rivalry with Padme when it comes to his Master’s attentions. Padme is a hard working chef at a posh restaurant. She is very competitive and sometimes her work tends to occupy all her time. In fact, she may be a bit of a workaholic. Until she gets distracted by the boys…. Padme loves when her daddy spoils her with attention, it really takes her mind of her stressful job. She may have a competition with Anakin, but at the end of the day when Obi Wan isn’t home they definitely know how to distract each other….

★ by @cuddlykoalas​ [NSFW]

Anakin gets taken in by Sidious when he's still a boy on Tatooine. As a young Sith Lord trying to survive in a galaxy quickly descending into war, he meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight, tea provider and all around mother hen. That's not exactly improving his life expectancy, though.

★ by @grayjedii [NSFW]

Recently knighted Anakin Skywalker is assigned a simple transport mission at the Council’s insistence. Upon arriving on Dantooine, Anakin discovers that his “cargo” is a dangerous prisoner whom he must escort to Coruscant where the man will be safely contained in the Jedi Detention Center. However, not all goes as planned, and as Anakin finds out, not everything is quite as it seems concerning the prisoner. Additionally, fresh in the young Jedi’s mind is the death of his master, Qui-Gon Jinn. As he attempts to come to terms with the loss, Anakin is drawn into doubting his past, his beliefs, and the Order itself. Complicating things further, Anakin is unable to resist his fascination with the prisoner, Obi-Wan, and develops a strange attachment to him. It should be unsettling—the extent to which Anakin connects with this man—instead, Anakin finds it all too natural, like stoking a fire that had always been there, lingering between them in long-forgotten dimness. Whispers of the Sith’s return do nothing to quell the situation, and somehow, Anakin finds himself falling not to the darkness, but for Obi-Wan.

★ by @ice-mint​ [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Anakin lives a boring life in his mother's farm near the dessert Town of Tatooine and works in a minumun wage job. All of that is going to change when he witneses an ongoing mission and picks up the dashing J.E.D.I knight Obi Wan Kenobi. In a world in the verge of war Anakin Skywalker may have what it takes to become part of a shady organisation and stop a tyrant from gaining ultimate power. (I dont know yet if there will be smut, but count on lewd jokes and make out sessions,)

★ by @selcier​ [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Anakin decides that in order fulfill his prophecy of the Chosen One, he needs to take up the Father’s demand to stay on Mortis. Anakin believes that this will enable the War to end quickly. Obi-wan supports his decision with the caveat that he be allowed communication with Anakin. He is proud of Anakin for putting aside his worldly wants in order to follow the guidance of the Force. However, over the course of Anakin’s stay on Mortis, he begins to lose less and less of himself while become immersed the Force. He lacks initiative and is distant from the events in the rest of the galaxy. Obi-wan finds this change disturbing and eventually realizes his attachment to Anakin after the parts of his personality are lost to lethargy. Also, Anakin’s actions do not seem to affecting the War in the Republic’s favor. More and more systems are falling under Separatist control, the Senate bogged down in committees and inaction and the Jedi are decreasing in numbers. On a mission to Onderon with Ahsoka (whose training Obi-wan has taken over), Obi-wan feels the lack of motion in the War and chooses to aid the rebel group in guerrilla tactics. His methods are beyond the scope of self-defense and the Council deems them Terroristic in nature. He is ordered to return to Coruscant. Instead, Obi-wan finishes his task and decides to liberate Anakin from Mortis. Anakin wakes up in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant to find that he has missed two years of the War. He is frustrated that his actions were in vain and angry at the Force for its deception. He finds out that Obi-wan has been Court Martialed for his actions and is being held in a GAR military prison. Eventually, they have words about their goals and expectations while Obi-wan is awaiting trial. (This story will probably play out in a nonlinear fashion with hints to past Obikin interactions. Clearly there’s no ending yet!) 

★ by @stopaskingme​ [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

[AU] Obi-Wan is a hermit, herding shaak on the grassy dunes of Osten, Stewjon. He had no intention of attending the Skywalker clan's annual gathering of Force-users. Until the Prime Minister of Stewjon came begging at his door.

★ by @thishereanakinguy [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Post-ROTS AU. Anakin makes the right decision in Palpatine's office, but ends up suffering the consequences. Effects of the Force Lightning has damaged his health, and Padme has still died, the twins with her. In mourning, Anakin struggles to piece his life back together. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is tasked by the Council to keep an eye on their Chosen One: he made the right choice once, but could they trust him to do it again? Could they trust him not to cause himself harm? Short answer is no. Long answer is Obi-Wan and Anakin dance around each other and their feelings until they can't anymore.

★ by @askgrelf​ [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

In the wake of his premature death, Anakin is left trapped in the physical realm as a Ghost. Confused and troubled, with pieces of his past left unfixed and broken, he struggles to come to terms with what was his reality as truths, lies and corruption are revealed in a twisted puzzle between the Jedi and Sith. All the while watching helpless as Obi-Wan begins to succumb to the fate that should have been his. All while slowly fading away out of existence - and the Force - eternally as he and his master both remain lost afoot. (Heavy angst, inspired by the song "Dear Agony").

★ by @imaginaryanon​ [SFW~]

Modern day London; Anakin Skywalker, a young man who's accidentaly always in trouble with the law, is in bigger trouble than usual. He's about to get his ass locked up when a fancy, suit-wearing stranger arranges for him to be discharged. The stranger introduces himself as Obi-Wan Kenobi and leaves Anakin with more questions than answers as well as an address of a tailor shop in Savile Row. But not before he takes Anakin for a drink at a local pub and, after they're rudely interrupted, proceeds to beat up four grown men into unconsciousness without so much as breaking a sweat. "Well fuck me," Anakin whispers in shocked awe. "At least buy me dinner first," Obi-Wan replies, grinning. [basically a Kingsman AU but, like, even gayer]

★ by @musicandfandomtrash​ [SFW]

Anakin goes missing in the outer rim and it's up to Obi-Wan to find him. But after almost a year of searching, he's beginning to lose hope. With Satine dead and Ahsoka gone, he's isolated and lonely. He never had the chance to tell Anakin what he truly meant to him. And now he's afraid he never will. When Obi-Wan is sent a planet in the outer rim, he meets a very young girl who may have the information he's been so desperately searching for. Will this be what leads Obi-Wan to his love? Or will this supposed lead turn into a trap?

★ by @skywalkerssassyginger​ [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

As far as he knew, Obi-Wan hadn't signed up to be the exclusive, pioneering member of the Anakin Skywalking Disaster clean-up crew. However, when Padme Amidala shows up on his doorstep, neck bruised and heavily pregnant, of course he couldn't turn her away. Anakin's gotten involved in the Sith. You'd be a fool not to know the name of the gang, or speak of it in anything higher than a whisper. Of course Anakin had been getting into nothing but trouble since they had last spoken, just short of a year ago. Soon after, Padme dies in childbirth. Her eyes drift away with a pen in hand, Luke and Leia Kenobi drawn out in soft cursive. 

★ by @autisticanakin [NSFW]

Anakin Skywalker is a cloaked force-sensitive working in the Senate as the new Coruscant representative under Palpatine's guidance. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Senator shortly returned from a leave of absence, can't stand him, with Senator Skywalker's reputation being that of a morally grey, pleasure seeking, bribe taking scoundrel. When the threat of the Sith becomes evident in the galaxy, Senator Kenobi sets to researching. He soon finds himself put on senatorial assignments with Anakin Skywalker.

#summaries #obikinbigbang2017 #obb2017 #obikin #admin a

[serenabinx]

Since it seems to be something that needs addressing

Those who do not care about such things as Mun triggers or have triggers of your own, keep on scrolling. I will be discussing some deep and disturbing topics that I need to get off my chest and this is going to be a rant that include details that I haven’t even told my family and friends.

You have chosen to read more.

Brave soul.

If you are triggered by addiction, family separation, abuse, sexual assault, depression, and thoughts of suicide, leave now.

Recently, someone decided to make a big fuss about me unfollowing them after they made a post saying their followers all know by now that they want to die. If said person is reading this, let me give you a little backstory as to why.

I haven’t had the worst life, but I’ve had more than my fair share of trauma. I try to keep this to myself because I know it upsets people, but I need to get this out before I start to obsess over it. I was raised by two parents who were addicted to drugs and alcohol. They had an extremely unhappy marriage. My mother was neglectful and my father was is emotionally manipulative. My maternal grandmother, whom I no longer talk to, decided that I needed to be taken away from my father, so she falsely accused him of raping me. I was taken to a doctor who discovered I had a broken hymen. Fun fact: the hymen can break or tear from regular rough-housing and hard landings. I was a very active child that fell hard on her little child butt all the time. I was placed in an abusive foster home for a week. It may not seem like much but, to a child, it felt like years. The biggest traumas for me were multiple occasions when I was accused of and punished severely for things that I did not do, but also the fear that I would never get to go back home.

When my parents got a divorce shortly after being returned to them, I was both relieved and heart-broken. Relieved that I didn’t have to hear them fighting all the time; heartbroken that I could no longer spend all of my time with both my parents. Because my father was making more money, he was given main custody and my mother was given weekend visitations. While I was in my father’s custody, my father was working with a man in town, doing handyman work, and I was left in the care of his two sons. One of the sons was a teenager, the other was only one or two years older than me. While I was there, I snuck into the older brother’s room while he was away. He had a truly impressive collection of Hot Wheel still in the original packaging. The younger brother and his friend caught me in his older brother’s room. The younger brother told me that he would tell his big brother that I played with his Hot Wheels if I didn’t suck his dick. I didn’t want to get into trouble, so I did. I was 7. Later that day, the two adults came back from work. The younger brother turned to his friend and said something to the effect of “I can get her to do it for you too” and threatened to tell my father that I sucked his dick. I knew then that I was caught again in a situation with no good outcomes. Luckily, his friend was kind enough to decline and I am forever grateful to him for it.

Since then, I have been battling depression. I have always been overweight and I was bullied about it in school. Boys pretending to be wingmen for their friends and saying that they like me was a constant theme. In elementary school, someone I considered my best friend turned on my over the summer and started bullying me too. In middle school, I was attacked in the hallway so they could steal candy bars I was selling for a fundraiser. Just as I was becoming a teenager, I fantasized about hanging myself, just to know what it felt like (I still do when I’m at my lowest). I fantasized about how all the people around me would feel terrible about how they treated me once they found out I had killed myself. Luckily the only time I tried, I had not chosen a strong enough support. I did not tell my father what actually happened. I told him I was using the towel rack as a handhold to get out of the shower.

One of my online friends was also battling depression. She was in a more physically abusive household. Whenever she would say that she was going to kill herself because she didn’t see another way out, I would send her some kind of distraction to help her get out of the depressive cycle. One day she said she was going to kill herself and she ghosted me for hours. I told her I was going to call the police to make sure she was alright. I had just found the phone number for the police station in her town when she finally got back online. She backed off immediately, saying she didn’t mean it and that she was safe. I have had too many friends who threatened suicide and didn’t mean it. I have worried myself to tears and worse over people being overdramatic. Last year, we had a roommate who would threaten to kill herself at least every week but refused to engage with therapy. Finally, when we offered her a choice between reaching out to a suicide prevention hotline or an ambulance, she packed a bag, took her toddler, and left. We called the police to make sure they were safe and she has cut us off from her life for trying to help her. She was my fiancée's best friend. We still see her updates on Facebook. She’s fine.

TL;DR:

Suicide is not something I can cope with. I have enough anxiety and trauma and depression to deal with myself. If I am your friend- if I have a personal connection with you- and you are having a rough time with depression, I will try to send you videos or pictures or gifs of things I know you like to help you feel better (because that’s what usually helps me). If that doesn’t work, I will guide you to the people who are properly equipped to handle that kind of thing. If I don’t know you- if I have not interacted with you on a personal level before- I cannot engage. I must exercise self-care and detach myself from the situation or I will overload and spiral again.

I’m sorry if that sounds mean or cold-hearted, but I am not capable of helping every tortured soul on the internet. I am not a licensed professional with the specialized training to handle that kind of situation. If you constantly post about wanting to kill yourself, either get help or I am walking away.

Here are resources if you need them:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

#rant #personal trauma

[ultrafuturisticbouquetkingd-blog]

Relationship Blog Attempts To Address Parental Alienation

“My Ex Pushed Me Out Of The Family”

Recently the following appeared in a relationship blog. While there are currently over 500 comments, upon review, many can be classified into two categories. If they are not ‘spam’ they could be considered judgemental and disconnected from reality.

Upon such a discovery, the troops were rallied with a call for all hands on deck. The community of target parents pulls together with a loyalty that is unshakable and unbreakable. There is a bond that brings this group of target parents together in such unity that if one is under attack from the outside world, we all are.

Below is the letter sent to Meredith, editor of the Boston Globe’s “Loveletters.” More importantly, are the replies posted almost immediately by target parents who passed this around our community for support and setting the record straight.

The full thread can be found here

CALL TO ACTION: Add your reply to the comment section.

SUBMITTED QUESTION

Dear Meredith,

I was married for 23 years. It was not a good marriage. I helped to raise two stepsons and had good relationships with their mothers. My ex and I had two of our own children. It was a very busy household full of homework, football practice, and navigating the pickup and drop-offs for many kids. I actually was responsible for 99 percent of it because my ex could not get away from work.

Our divorce was awful. I was going through major family trauma (including a parent being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer), and right in the middle of this, my ex asked me to leave. We had been having a lot of issues.

I left and began to work on myself. I rode my bike everywhere. I read books and listened to music. I just was enjoying my life and figuring out who I was. My kids didn't want to have anything to do with me (they were in high school and college at this point). I went to therapy, joined a church. I was hurting a lot. I did fall in love.

I met the love of my life and two years later, we own a home and a dog. My big issue is that my own boys still will not have anything to do with me because my ex sets the narrative. I text and call. I'm not overbearing. Crickets, chirp chirp. I paid for my oldest to go to college by working a few jobs. He didn't want me to attend his ceremony because he didn't want his dad to be hurt. His dad has a girlfriend, for Pete's sake.

I don't know what to do anymore – how to deal with an ex who has pushed me away from my family. My ex feels proud of the alienation. I pray about this all the time, but my heart is broken. Do you have advice for me? I need to heal and wait patiently, but sometimes there are days where I just don’t think that I can make it.

– Hurt

LOVELETTER’S REPLY

Below are the replies posted by the #erased within hours of the posting.

Dear Meredith - You completely missed the boat here. The writer may be the targeted parent of Parental Alienation Syndrome and her children the objects caught in the middle. It doesn't matter how old the children are at the time of the parental split. Next time just end with "This is out of my area of expertise" and "Please talk to a therapist or find a PAS support group". Dear Hurt - I want to let you know there will come a day when your children will come back to you. I want to let you know that your children will appreciate you giving them the space they need right now, but do continue to send them the occasional text message and birthday card (they may not respond today or tomorrow, but eventually they will). Your children are not emotionally strong enough to handle the dynamics of dealing with both of their parents and I'm sure they know you will always be there to greet them with open arms. (Note: When I talk about their father, it's always with respect. If I need to vent about something concerning him, I talk to my friends and leave them out of it).

Serenity111

Hello Meredtith; I wrote a couple of paragraphs yesterday that could help understand the mother’s situation. I found abhorrent how the ignorance of some of your readers abuses an already abused person, with no sympathy whatsoever to her pain, the pain of having her children emotionally murdered by a vindictive and narcissistic previous partner, in punishment for the failure of the relationship. How, one parent may use the children as a weapon to inflict pain to the other parent in a cruel act of emotional family violence (IPV) === And the story goes: == I was talking with someone yesterday, and I heard myself describing this pathology. I think I came up with a very simple description. 1.- The child has two parents; One of the parents will love the child does not matter what, and would never hurt the child. The other parent will hurt the child if she does not comply to her whims. ∴ The child complies with the abusive parent wishes, as she does not want to get hurt. 2.- After a while, the child starts doubting her own feelings. She is supposed to fear him, but ‘why?’, she would ask herself. 3.- There comes the GAL; she says the non-abusive parent must change his behaviour, she tells the child the non-abusive parent MUST stop scarring the child. 4.- Then comes the therapist; The non-abusive parent must stop scaring the child, and must apologize for his behaviour, to the child, he tells the child and the parent. This, said in front of the child to the non-abusive parent. 5-.- The child, who does not know why she is supposed to be scared; Has been told by a therapist that being scared of the non-abusive parent is a valid feeling Has been told by a GAL that the other parent is not up to task. 6.- The child does not know any better, but everyone cannot be wrong, they are professionals, the child tells herself. The child now is 100% convinced that she must reject the non-abusive parent, for valid reasons. She will manufacture reasons. Of course, the initial doubts where received from the abusive parent, not by using English (the child would understand this and be able to reason it out of her system). The abusive parent uploaded the fear on the child by the use of the language of feelings, something the child has not yet completely developed. Gender comment: This is not gender guided; give me a neutral pronoun in English for a person, and I'll use it. In the meantime, this is all I can do. ('It" sounded wrong to me today). === end of the story. == This is real, this is painful. Perhaps the biggest pain anyone can suffer. Losing its child, having its child murdered, while the child is still alive but unavailable. Can you imagine your children disappearing one day, with zero communication, while you know they have unjustified hate towards you? You should learn more about this. Join the Facebook group “Alliance to solve parental alienation”, and read Dr. Childress posts there. You could help your readers understand family abuse. — Raul Zighelboim.

I’m appalled at your insensitivity and that of your readers. The responses try to shame a parent who was caught in a high conflict divorce and is the victim of the unwarranted, manipulative and abusive tactics of the other parent. 22 million parents alone in the US are estranged from their children due to a phenomenon called “Parental Alienation.” It is real, it is painful, it is traumatic and debilitating to the parents who are #erased from their children. Since I left my family in 2015, I too have been #erased from my children’s lives. I left an emotionally abusive marriage but I NEVER left my children. I am completely shut out from their lives and my ex has masterfully brainwashed/altered my children’s minds to think that I never loved them. He has employed tactics like that in a cult. Is this healthy for the children to reject a once loving parent? Is this healthy parenting behaviors when divorce occurs? Is it healthy to try to hurt the other parent? I invite you Ms. Goldstein and most particularly “Hurt” to come to a support group that I now lead along with 2 mental health professionals experienced in parental alienation and listen to members’ painful stories. Come learn about this epidemic and understand the underlying behaviors. I led a group that brought a new documentary to Newton a month ago called “Erasing Family” and 150 people came! Watch the trailer: https://erasingfamily.org/. Also listen to: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/960-cindy-stumpo-is-tough-as-n-29001812/episode/parent-alienation-50342688/ . “Hurt,” I’m sorry that you are experiencing such loss but understand that you are not alone. You did not cause this untenable situation. I’m ecstatic that you found happiness and if you would like to reach out, you can find us at: https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/members/. Deb Black Co-Host of New England "Parental Alienation"

Dear Readers, While many who commented have good intentions, it is essential to know what “Hurt” is living through is a form of domestic violence. You may read this statement and react with thinking, “What!?!? No way! This, as domestic violence, is a stretch and makes zero sense!” Follow me on this. I believe some of the emotionally charged comments attacking “Hurt” may be rooted in personal experiences, similar to what her children are living. I want to use this thread as a tool to educate and help the 22 million US families who are dealing with this daily. Along with fantastic comments (see Caroncoss, Blackie10, and RedSagitta for great insights!), I want to extend this to include research-based information for everyone reading this. As you consider the following information and perhaps realize this pertains to you, the reader, know that you are not alone. There are Boston and Online Support Group meetings via https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Let’s talk about evidence. First….(via Dr. Amy Baker) THE EIGHT BEHAVIORAL MANIFESTATIONS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION These are the symptoms of parental alienation that appear within alienated children. Generally, the more symptoms present and the more severe the symptoms, the more severe the alienation; all manifestations do not need to be present for alienation to exist. 1. Campaign of denigration: Strong or utter rejection of one parent, willingness to tell others, erasing past positive aspects of relationship and memories. 2. Weak, frivolous, absurd reasons for the rejection: When pressed to explain, the child will give reasons that do not make sense or align with the level of animosity, provide false memories (proclaiming to remember something from a very young age), or are patently untrue. 3. Lack of ambivalence: For the most part, one parent is seen as all good while the other is viewed as all bad. 4. “Independent thinker” phenomenon: The child strongly emphasizes that the favored parent played no role in the child’s rejection of the other parent. The child believes the decision is theirs entirely. 5. Reflexive support of the alienating parent. The alienator can do no wrong, and the erased parent can not do right. 6. Absence of guilt: Alienated children appear to have no qualms about cruel and harsh treatment towards the rejected parent. 7. The presence of borrowed scenarios: Use of words and phrases that mimic or parrot those of the favored parent. 8. Rejection of extended family of rejected parent: Refusal to spend time with or acknowledge formerly beloved family members. While this has become quite lengthy, I will create another reply that addresses the strategies parents use to erase the loving bonds between children and a loving parent… Signed, MiningGypsy

Dear Hurt - I am so sorry you haven't been able to have a relationship with your children. Parent Alienation is real, sadly it is not a stage!!!! I write from experience, so I know it hurts, and I know how debilitating it can be. You are not alone! There are more than just a few of us fighting, healing, supporting, and educating each other on how to navigate the PA world. I admire your strength to keep going, and still having the ability to give without getting anything in return (but rejection). I am pretty sure is called LOVE. Much love and light, Priscila a loving imperfect mother p.s. every situation has a different prospective at different times of our lives, and how we feel and react to pain is very unique to our experiences and values.

Dear Readers, Below are strategies used by parents to alienate their children from the other parent. The alienating parent engages in these strategies against the targeted parent. If you find this has impacted your life, there is help locally. https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Also, if you know someone experiencing this, you must speak up. Kids need both parents. As I work with adult children who experienced this, they all were secretly wishing someone swooped in and called out the bad behavior of the alienating parent. As the child could not do so themselves because of the horrific consequences they would face when standing up for themselves. 17 STRATEGIES USED BY ALIENATORS: 1. Badmouthing 2. Limiting Contact 3. Interfering with communication 4. Interfering with symbolic communication (i.e., pictures and photos are defaced, removed, destroyed) 5. Withdrawal of love if expressing positive toward the target parent 6. Telling the child the targeted parent is dangerous (extreme behaviors include filing false charges with Child Protective Services) 7. Forcing the child to choose between parents 8. Telling the child the targeted parent does not love him or her 9. Confiding in the child rather than a peer or therapist 10. Forcing the child to reject the targeted parent 11. Manipulating the child to spy on the targeted parent. 12. Having the child keep secrets from the targeted parent 13. Referring to the targeted parent by their first name and encouraging the child to do the same 14. Referring to a step-parent as “Mom” or “Dad” and encouraging the child to do the same 15. Withholding medical, academic, and other relevant information from the targeted parent/keeping the targeted parent’s name off medical, academic, and other relevant documents (see your state’s law on this one!) 16. Changing the child’s name to remove any association with the targeted parent 17. Cultivating dependency/undermining the authority of the targeted parent (may include overly permissive parenting by the alienating parent) If any of this resonates with you, please reply or leave a message at https://www.speakpipe.com/voicesoftheerased #kidsneed BOTH parents! Signed, MiningGypsy

Dear Ms. Goldstein, After reading "Hurt's" letter to you dated November 5, 2019, I was quite astonished by you and your commentators' reaction to this woman's pain of losing her children. Studies have shown 86% of High Conflict divorces found that ONE parent, not both will sabotage the relationship between the child and the other parent. This means ONE parent will psychologically manipulate a child into turning against the other parent. With frequency and intensity, the alienating parent manipulates a child into believing that the targeted parent is unloving, unsafe and unavailable. It’s called Parental Alienation (PA). PA is a distinctive, destructive and counterintuitive form of psychological and family violence towards both the child and the rejected family members. It is a worldwide, inter-generational phenomenon and occurs regardless of nationality, religion, socioeconomics, race, or gender, This is NOT ESTRANGEMENT! It is induced psychological splitting in a child … an alignment or enmeshment. Alienated children display unjustified contempt and an attitude of entitlement towards the targeted parent and have a perception of an “all-wonderful” alienating parent and “all-bad” targeted parent. This is a dysfunctional coping mechanism which if not addressed leads to an unstable personality disorder and disrupts social-emotional development throughout a child’s life as a consequence of Parental Alienation. Dr. Jennifer Harman’s studies have confirmed that 22 million parents in the US alone are experiencing Parental Alienation. This means there are at the very least, 22 million children in the US who will most likely manifest difficult behaviors. Statistically, 4-5% of school children under the age of 18 are experiencing some level of mild, moderate, or severe alienating tactics and PA is 3x more prevalent than children on the Autism Spectrum. According to experts, it is psychological and emotional child abuse and is JUST as injurious as physical or sexual abuse and the World Health Organization recognizes Parental Alienation. Those who engage in severe alienating tactics often have a personality disorder. If you think a child could never be brainwashed … think of charismatic cult leaders like Jim Jones, Rev Sun Moon ... thousands and thousands of adults were manipulated. How could a child resist their own parent? This is not a divorce issue. This is not a custody or a parental rights issue. This is a mental health issue that is affecting our children around the world. These children will grow up not knowing how to be in a relationship and are emotionally stunted. This is what is happening to the children. You can also empathize with either a father or a mother who are experiencing the loss of their child(ren) through Parental Alienation. We are available to have a conversation with you or any of your readers ... If you'd like to learn more about Parental Alienation, or if 'Hurt' wants to contact for support ... Deb Black Co-Host of New England Parental Alienation Support Group https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Respectfully, Caron Warren MA.Ed.

Seems like we're all making lots of assumptions! It's hard to know what the family dynamics are. It could be LW is the toxic person who is responsible for her own estrangement from her children. Or, the real story may be more complicated... I was estranged from my father for more than 5 years as my mother carefully controlled information and manipulated me (and my sibling) into thinking our dad was the villain in their divorce. For years, I ignored calls or replied curtly to emails from my dad.... it saddens me to think of how I shut him out. He didn't want to cause me further pain, so he gave me space. Luckily, my dad was resilient . Eventually, crazy stuff happened, and I realized the truth my dad is flawed like anyone else, but he is not the abuser my narcissistic mother would have me believe. LW, if your ex is the crazy maker, then get therapy, take care of yourself, call on your support system, find other ways to bring meaning into your life.... you'll be in a better place for whatever comes. Therapy will help you figure out how to see toxic patterns, define and set healthy boundaries. If you're the crazy maker, well.. then I still urge you to get therapy and find ways to rebuild and reach out to your family in ways that are respectful.

YoungatHeartToo

Don't let stress over the situation affect your health or your good relationship with the current love of your life. Be proud of whatever you did for your kids. If you were not perfect, they are not perfect in not forgiving or not considering your feelings. They have their own lives now, and you should move on with yours, but hopefully they will mature more in the future. And any spouse who alienates kids from a halfway decent ex is not doing right by the kids or the ex.

Lexgal

Sorry Meredith but your advice is so unbelievably tone deaf. The guy LOVES that he is in charge and sets the narrative. In his mind he won. Do you REALLY think a coffee shop meeting or family therapy is going to happen? He is looooooong gone. LW - even though there is no reason given for the divorce this is a sad letter and I feel bad for you, after everything you did you deserve to be treated much better. Maybe the boys blame you, again, not sure why you divorced. Just keep killing your kids with kindness. Don't get mad, every once in awhile ask if they want to meet and 1 of these days they will. You really need to let them know how much this hurts you in a matter of fact way, I'm sure they have no idea. Maybe send them a random card with a brief note explaining your pain? You have nothing to lose.

THE Guru

Wow. So everyone is blaming the mother, even though the husband booted her, even though she continues to support the kids financially, even though she gives the kids space despite how it hurts her to be isolated from them. And the father, on at least his 3rd marriage and booted his wife while she was dealing with a parent with cancer, is a prince? This certainly is bizarro world! Gee, victim-blaming much?

Tie--Dye--Brain--Fry

I cut my dad out of my life for a lot of the tone that's similar to this letter. No acknowledging your own role in the estrangement, acting like a complete victim, blaming everyone else for your problems. My advice would be to write a letter to your kids (individually - don't treat them interchangeably), saying that you miss them dearly and don't know what you did to drive them away, but that whenever they are ready, you would like to hear their side of things and that you promise to LISTEN and not make it about yourself, that you won't get defensive or lay any guilt on them for it. If you want them back in your life, you need to acknowledge that you have hurt them deeply, and that even if your ex was badmouthing you, if your relationship to your kids was genuinely strong enough, it would have survived that.

audreylyn

This is an inspiring letter. You managed to overcome many difficulties, got yourself on a bike, got to church, met someone new, rebuilt a life for yourself after a lot of emotional trauma. You're a survivor. Parenthood comes with no guarantees about payback. But as your kids mature, they might develop a different perspective. Keep the olive branch out there and focus on what you do have, your new relationship, your home and your dog.

Jim501

I'm disgusted by the tone of the comments I've read here today. I had to stop, so I just hope the later ones were more sympathetic. My advice to the LW is to find a good therapist who can listen to you and help you work out both your feelings and an effective strategy for reaching out to your children. Clearly, writing to an anonymous mob on the internet is not the way to go.

OutOfOrder

I read this as being written by a man. Maybe it’s because I have a friend who is a good man in a very similar situation, having an ex wife who has poisoned their children against him. It’s a horrible thing to do to a child as well as the father. Little by little, he has made inroads just by being there for them. He keeps reaching out. Hopefully, when they’re older and have been away from their mother for a longer period of time, they will do a complete tour-around.

Seenittoo

"... in my experience, tend to side with the parent who has been there for them." I would politely disagree, and say that kids will side with those who "manipulate best". Usually the most toxic wins. The reality is that it may take the kids till they are 40+ and raising their own families to start to get the separation and hindsight they need to rectify the state of affairs, but that, of course, is no given.

MrTrumping

The only thing you can do is to love your kids in whatever way they will let you, which is what you are already doing. If they have any sign of intelligence and if college did anything to teach them how to think independently, at some point, maybe even soon, or maybe when they start their own family, they will start to question what they are being told. At that point, you will have amassed a lot of evidence (texts, calls, letters, paying for college, etc.) over time that you are not exactly what your ex says you are.

sexual-chocolate

HarrisBlackwoodStone

it will take time. that's all. there's nothing more you can do for your children than send them birthday and holiday cards and gifts. when they become adults, assuming you haven't left anything out of this picture you've painted for us, eventually they will seek you out.

red-speck

This letter (including the fact that it's one side of a mutifaceted story) leaves out a lot of detail, but assuming LW's is a reliable synopsis, the kids were hurting like hell through the divorce, too. LW doesn't mention whether they went to counseling or their emotional states throughout. I'm glad she's getting things sorted out.

As for her relationship with the kids, my wife's parents divorced when she was a teen. Took her decades to come to the realization that her parents weren't awful people, just broken ones trying to cope with their lives flying apart. All you can do is keep inviting them into your life and trying, graciously, to remain a part of theirs. Don't hold "I did X for you" lists over their heads; just rebuild a relationship from this day forward. With any luck, you'll come to some measure of healing in due course.

Leftylucy

I agree 100% with you here.

redsoxpatriotsnyfan

The best advice to you is to hire a good lawyer!

Anon

Funny thing is -- in divorce cases where there are custody orders -- attorneys typically accelerate the alienation. We need to make family court therapeutic, not adversarial. I hope you can spread the word!

#Loveletters #Boston

[suddenlyanadult]

On gunfire, intentional and accidental

I am ready to express coherently what I have taken from my bizarre experience from a Friday Mid-February.

I was scared half to death by what was determined to be an accidental firearm discharge just feet away from me in a hotel lobby. Either a bullet or shards of marble form the floor injured three people opposite me from the firing. Two women were carted away on stretchers and the gun-owner fled the scene, physically fighting off security on his way out. We obviously did not know it was an accident at the time, which allowed some fleeting psychological trauma to set in. 

It lasted for several days. 

That (Friday) afternoon, I went into shock. I was nauseous, dizzy, and sweating. But it passed.

On Sunday, I was beating myself up for not instinctively responding the way we are “supposed to” in an active shooter situation. I know a gunshot when I hear one, so why did I not drop to the floor or duck behind the nearby pillar. Why did I freeze instead? Because I’m an idiot, I thought.

In class on Monday, someone mentioned the (accidental) shooting, and another of my classmates dismissed it quickly as an accident. Yeah, and? The fact that it was dismissable didn’t stop me from sweating, from glancing at the door repeatedly, for wanting to throw up. I left. 

No one followed me out. 

A quick note about not being followed out that day, because that social isolation can be very psychologically damaging in the wake of a traumatic experience. In January, I had walked out of an emotional training after being reminded of my mother’s recent diagnosis of and subsequent full recovery from cancer. A woman I had known for less than two weeks quickly came out to check on me and hugged me when I explained myself. 

Providing this juxtaposition is not an intentional dig at the people around me in class that day, but rather, an honest, unapologetic reflection on the support, and lack thereof, I have experienced recently. Because now is not the time for apologies, it is the time for people to wake up and pay attention to those around them in the wake of trauma. You shouldn’t have to write a master’s thesis on trauma (which I am in the middle of) to recognize the symptoms in those around you. 

On Tuesday, I walked into class, sleepy as always. But as soon as I entered the room, I was hyper-aware that my typical seat was right next to the door. I would be the first one shot, I thought, consumed by panic. I instinctively walked to the opposite side of the room, but then realized that I would be displacing those that sat there. So I shifted back toward my usual seat, but I felt my hairline prickle with parasympathetic arousal. Nausea. I rapidly paced back and forth between the two seats, before deciding on the corner-of-the-room seat. I felt good about it. Until the usual occupants of the table sat in my usual seat. I irrationally feared for their safety and felt anxious and ridiculous for my seating choice. I instinctively defended myself to them. “Sorry, I just didn’t want to sit by the door today.” “Wait, why?” “Never mind! Just a dream I had!” A dream with gunfire, I thought to myself.

On Wednesday, my supervisor expressed displeasure in my lack of progress at work. I forgot to edit a report I was meant to bring. It was because I decided to take my first day off after 32 days of working non-stop in order to decompress the day after the hotel situation. Despite the fact that the report was late because I was trying to protect my mental health, I did not disclose what had happened, and instead, tears of anger and embarrassment slipped down my face. How shameful, I thought to myself. If 70 hours a week isn’t enough, I will ramp it up to 80. That’s a good plan, I thought. I’ll be too tired to dream about gunfire.

My takeaway from all this. If I, after almost two years of therapy for PTSD, can’t reconcile with an accidental discharge that critically injured exactly no one. Can’t control symptoms that I MASTERFULLY wrangled not even three years ago. Can’t get work done despite a famous work ethic. Can’t keep intrusive thoughts at bay long enough to focus in class... 

How can we expect children all over this country to achieve their potential in schools? The kids in Florida. In Connecticut. In California. In Texas. Those who survived unharmed. Those who didn’t. The millions of kids EVERYWHERE in violent communities, who have witnessed or heard gunfire nearby, who experience secondary trauma or retraumatization every single time one of these tragic events occurs and is subsequently looped on CNN and local news all day every day. Those same millions of kids who then can’t handle school (for whom so many is their only safe space) because their little bodies are on high alert for danger. But we’re going to what, arm teachers? The same teachers that already can’t focus on their needs because they are overworked and underpaid? Or the teachers these kids can’t trust because they have been raised to mistrust authority figures? Or maybe the teachers who didn’t receive adequate anti-oppressive training and may unwittingly be doing these children harm? Or worse, the kids in the school who snap because of some shit at home or school, and they heard where Ms. so-and-so keeps her “school gun” and they go and hurt themselves or others? (Update: Great fucking job, Florida)

Everything about this is terrible. Ban assault rifles. Keep guns out of the hands of school children and school personnel, except for police officers on duty. (But apparently, they just hang out on the west sides of buildings while children are hunted on the other side of the wall.) Ban bump-stocks, limit magazine sizes, regulate gun show sales, limit the number of firearms a person can own, ban white dudes from buying guns in general. All reasonable measures!

Anyway, clearly I’m not all the way over this since I’m up at 2:48 AM instead of being asleep (and that’s after a whole month of making progress on my bedtime goal of 10:30. What a loss).

Everyone who minimizes these tragedies in defense of their second amendment rights can just fall off the planet. Like really? Your right to own 16 deadly weapons is more important than a child’s right to safety within their school walls? Their right to LIFE in general? You’re just proving, once again, that you are only pro-life when the child in question hasn’t even been born. You stop giving a shit the moment they pop out. I’m tired of hypocrites. I’m tired of argumentative idiots. I’m tired of seeing “Liberals are retards,” pop up on my laptop as I search for a WiFi connection at a cafe near my externship site. I’m tired of feeling like my work won’t be enough because we can’t even keep kids alive in schools, let alone help them reach their grade level benchmark in basic reading skills. I’m tired of massacres. I’m tired of grown ass men and women delegitimizing one of the most shameful human rights abuses of the 21st century. I’m tired of the country I belong to. I’m tired of complacency. Whether it is national news, a local school district, a professor you don’t know very well, a classmate in another cohort, a colleague sitting next to you in class, complacency sucks. Until y’all start giving a shit, I won’t be seen in your company unless mandated. I feel like I no longer need to justify my disdain for people who are complacent and therefore complicit. You can miss me with that. Once my schedule lightens up, cash me outside (getting signatures and canvassing for common sense gun legislation), howboudat.

This has been a post-midnight personal essay, in a series of infinity.

#rant #personal essay #gun violence #gun control #gun regulations #grad school #grad student #tired #complicit #complacent #politics #democrat #dialogue #furious #angry #bullshit #children #school #school safety #victimization #PTSD #gunfire #CNN #fox news #msnbc