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nocturnal-dreams · 3 years

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I Just Want It To Stop

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Pairing: Philza x GN!Reader (platonic)

Warnings: depression, cyberbullying

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You sighed staring at your monitor, your twitch chat going by fast on your other monitor, you could barely catch up with what everyone else was saying. You were playing minecraft with your friends Technoblade and Philza, you were the only one streaming so currently you had almost all of Techno’s and Phil’s viewers on your stream eager to see the boys.

You had the blanket that was normally draped over your gaming chair wrapped around your shoulders with your knees tucked to your chest as you listened to the two ramble. You guy were just mindlessly strip mining in your shared hardcore world except the risks were even higher that even if only one of you guys died, then the entire game was over.

Glancing at your basically empty glass of water next to you, you tried to think of an excuse to leave that wouldn’t make Phil worried. Sure you were greatful for Phil and how much he worried about you, he definitely cared more than most people you knew, but you also very almost guilty. The thought of messaging Kristen came to mind to tell her about your problems recently but Phil would definitely find out from her, you weren’t even sure how Techno would be able to answer or help you with your situation.

Wilbur and Niki definitely did cross your mind but it was pushed aside, the same reason you didn’t want to tell Phil, you didn’t want to feel like a burden.

You glanced at the time on the wall noticing it was getting pretty late, sure you didn’t exactly want to leave the call since Phil and Techno were being pretty funny and it was bringing a smile to your face but you were struggling to hold back the tears that were wanting to make themselves known. Thank god you didn’t have a facecam on this stream and your camera wasn’t turned on or else Phil, Techno, or even chat would wonder what was up.

“I think I’m gonna end the stream since it’s getting pretty late and I’m kind of tired,” you said quietly into your mic, your voice cracking slightly as you prayed Phil and Techno didn’t get suspicious of how quiet your voice was or your voice crack.

“Oh okay Y/N, take care of yourself, you know streaming is just something to do on the side, put yourself first,” you could sense Phil smiling like usual, Techno giving a casual goodnight as you ended the stream.

When you made sure you were 100 percent off the call and the stream was over, you hugged your knees closer to your chest and your head between your knees. You hiccuped with each sob, the hiccups almost more painful than the emotional pain you were feeling right now. It just didn’t feel like anything was going right, especially with some hate you were getting online was getting to you.

The hate had started when you first joined the sleepy bois inc group, people getting mad saying you weren’t a guy or that you were splitting up the group. Phil had been the one to get on call with you telling you to not listen to what people were saying online and that a lot of the fans actually loved you but it didn’t help the comments that really got under your skin.

‘I’d rather Niki or Tubbo joined tbh’ ‘But it’s sleepy bois inc, not sleepy bois and Y/N inc’ ‘They aren’t even that funny’

Those were some that hurt the most, you had told Wilbur on call a few times how much you just wanted to quit streaming but Wilbur kept insisting you keep going, that you shouldn’t let the people online dictate how you feel, that you should let the people around you allow you to feel good, not some face behind a screen.

You slid out of your gaming chair uncomfortably and fell face first into your bed, a pile of blankets over your shoulders lighter than the amount of pain you felt as you cried into your pillow. Your body trembling with each tear that ran down your face, hiccuping quietly not wanting to alert your neighbors downstairs and have anyone see you in such a broken state.

You jumped at your phone buzzing beside you, the facetime caller idea lighting up your face inside the dark room as you read ‘Dadza <3′. You sighed knowing you couldn’t just hang up on Phil, that would worry him. You quickly tried to cover up that you had been crying, trying to steady your breathing before answering, Phil’s face appearing on your screen as you pointed your phone up at the ceiling to hide your tear stained face.

“Y/N you okay?” Phil asked on the other line, he seemed to be editing something as he was still sitting at his office, his microphone pushed to the side and his phone perked up so he could see you, only getting met with your ceiling, “I’m sorry, I just notice on call you didn’t sound okay and I got worried.”

You tried to let words slip past your tongue but all that did was a loud sob as you quietly cried trying to hide it but Phil definitely heard.

“Y/N let me see you, please, I’m worried,” you swallowed the large lump in your throat and picked up your phone pointing it towards your face. Phil’s face softened and his heart broken looking at your puffy red eyes from crying and your body shaking slowly as you tried to hide your sobs. “You okay mate? Do you wanna talk about it?” You quietly shook your head watching Phil’s full attention going away from editing and towards his phone where you were, “how about I’ll just talk with you before you go to sleep, I’m pretty sure its late where you are right now and I’d rather you get at least an hour of sleep, you seem overwhelmed-”

“I just want it to stop Phil,” you said, barely above a whisper but Phil heard, his eyes getting glossy just from hearing your broken voice, “everything hurts, I want to quit streaming, its doing more harm than good.”

“How about this,” your head perked up at Phil’s voice, “I’ll talk to Kristen and see about flying over to you to spend maybe a weekend or two, depending how much support you need right now, that’s the best I can do. When it comes to streaming, I know you aren’t gonna like this answer but I agree with you to a degree, maybe not quitting all together but taking a much needed break. If people want to be jerks about you needed a mental break than fuck them.”

You laughed quietly to yourself hearing Phil swear, he always managed to put a smile on your face even in your darkest moments, “I’d like that,” you rested your head on your palm, your tears finally starting to clear up as you curled up in your blankets.

“Until then, do you want me to stay on call with you until you sleep? I can even stay on when you go to sleep in case you wake up and need someone to talk to,” Phil smiled on the other line, the weight on your shoulders feeling like it had been lifted by dadza.

“I’d love that,” you smiled leaning back in your bed, your phone propped up on your beside table, you watched Phil grab his headphones so he could edit while you slept and he wouldn’t wake you up, “wait.”

Phil paused, he put his headphones down quietly, “yeah mate?”

“I love you dadza, thank you for putting up with me.” You smiled warmly.

“Of course kiddo,” and with that, you laid down in your bed, humming to yourself quietly to sleep, Phil still on call like a protective dad although you loved him for it.

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Thanks for reading, don’t forget to like and maybe reblog as it really does help me out

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Taglist: @sadassflatass @ajesterscrown @sugarsoftie @aremegay @twist3dtinkerbell @nova-is-a-goodgirl @appl3-c1d3r @eave3 @elebeleb @1-800-dreamteam

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#philza #philza x reader #philza imagines #dadza #dadza x reader #dadza imagines #mcyt #mcyt x reader #mcyt imagines #dreamsmp #dreamsmp x reader #dreamsmp imagines #sleepy bois inc #sleepy bois inc x reader #sleepy bois inc imagines #no I don't have a stable father figure

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kookiepredictions · 3 years

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Message from Jungkook’s Higher Self to his DF

My most precious,

I have been thinking about you again. Well, I say again, but I had never stopped in the first place. Do you think about me too? I think you do. At least I want to believe you do. I feel like that’s all that I have left right now. I feel so lost and confused. I feel like I’m trapped in a maze, but I’m not stuck in one place. I’m moving through this maze. And I’m moving willingly. It’s like there’s something at the end of that maze that is calling out to me and I can’t seem to refuse. I feel like I’m ensnared by that calling and I must keep moving towards it. It feels like I have free will but at the same time, I have absolutely no control over it. I don’t want to stop, but even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop. So I have just 2 choices: either move towards the end of that maze, or be constantly restless. The only problem is, I don’t have a map to this maze. I’m moving but I don’t know if I’m moving in the right direction. Am I getting any closer or am I getting further away? No one else seems to know either. I look for help from others but when they do, I feel like it’s useless. I have to find my own way. I’m all on my own in this path. The only person I know can help me is you. I know you are the only one who can tell me exactly what is wrong with me and how to right it. So I look for you everywhere and everytime. And then it dawns on me— is this maze leading me to you? Is that why I can’t refuse its calling? Or is there more to it? And why do I think you are the only one who can help me? I’ve known for a while now that I love you. But this feels like a lot more than what I have known the word “love” to mean. Who are you to me and why do I need you so much? Every song, every movie, every person, every place reminds me of you. How are you more present in my life than the actual people present in my life? How do you have more control over my feelings than I have over them? As if it’s not scary enough that I am so addicted to you, I don’t even know if what I’m addicted to is real or an illusion. Are you even a real person? Is our connection even real or is it all in my head? Are you a “Twin Flame”, a “Soulmate”? Have I met you in the “Past?” I don’t understand these terms and the more I learn, the more confused and lost I feel. Are you a “Karmic”? Are you here to punish and torture me for everything that I have done wrong? Tbh, that seems more likely. Half of me expects you to one day say to me, wake up, all that shit is in your head. Or, haha, you really thought I would fall in love with someone like you? However that conversation goes, it always ends up with me heartbroken. Maybe I want you so much because I believe I can never have you. And why would I? What have I ever done to deserve you and a love so perfect? Why would I get so lucky? There are so many other people who deserve this more, then why would I be The One?

Frankly, this is what I’ve always felt about myself. I got all this success and fame at such a young age. And what have I done exactly for this? I have only done what I have been told to do by other people. When there were struggles and problems, the older members and other people stressed out and solved them. I didn’t do much. Yeah, I practice hard and all, but that’s really the least I could do. Failure or success, whatever has come to me, has fallen into my lap due to someone else’s effort. I have never felt like I completely deserve it. People always say, BTS are so humble, Jungkook is so humble. But I have never seen myself as an amazing person or even a nice person. Yet people always seem to believe that about me, so I’m like, alright if that makes them happy. And so I live a dual life every day. I give people what makes them happy, but I never let myself believe what they believe about me. I know who I am. I have indulgences that I am not proud of. If people knew everything about me, they would not love me at all. Not that it mattered to me that much. I had adjusted to this dual life. But now it does. It matters to me what you think about me, how you see me. And it terrifies me because what if you think I am bad person? What if you don’t love me or even like me? My mind says it shouldn’t matter, but my heart says it does. Why does your opinion matter so much?

For as long as I can remember, I have had very high ideals regarding love— and boy I started young! I wished for a perfect love story and went into connections hoping for it but somehow it always eluded me. In my head, it always seemed perfect, but the reality always turned out to be different. I don’t really blame the other person either. I just blame it on my fate, really. At some point, it started looking like I was fated to be in connections that would never fulfil me. Sometimes I tried to adjust and compromise, and sometimes I felt really frustrated and restless for more. I never categorically felt like I wanted something more, but it always felt like there could be more. And yet, how do you look for something you don’t even know exists?

I wished for a perfect love but I did not know what I was signing up for. I always thought if and when I fell in true love, my life would become so much easier. And so when I met you, and I had all these deep feelings for you, I thought, that’s it, now my life will be so much easier and happier. But then things took a drastic turn. You know how it feels when you are taking a trip somewhere and you’re on the bus and everyone later talks about how amazing the journey was, and you realize you missed it because you were asleep throughout that journey and now you wish you weren’t? That’s how it feels right now. I wish I wasn’t so asleep when I met you. I wish I had cherished you more. There’s so much I want to do for you now but I feel like I missed my chance. I feel like I let you down and I can’t forgive myself for that. I replay the past over and over wishing I had acted differently. I pray often and every time, I pray for a second chance with you. But then I think, if I hate myself so much for having hurt you, surely you must hate me more. You always assure me that you love me, but I find it so hard to believe because how could you ever forgive me? How could you ever want me back? And that’s the moment when I feel like I am only being delusional. You are no Twin Flame of mine, you are a punishment served to me by God— a punishment the pain from which I can never recover from. Once again, love has eluded me and I am fated to live the rest of my life in pain and regret, only this time I can clearly see that I have ruined it with my own actions.

But then again, a part of me never wanted to accept this fate. A very, very small voice inside me told me this time it was somehow different. That I still had hope. That I had reason to keep trying. And that is crazy because what reason do I have? I don’t even know if this is real! I have been advised by people to be careful, to not trust you so much. And truthfully, I have tried doing that as well. I have tried forgetting you, not thinking about you. But it’s always like when you’re told not to think about something, and you start thinking about it more. I have tried to reason with myself, used logic. But I always keep drawn back into that maze again. I must find my way through it. I’m afraid something dangerous might be on the other side of it and I don’t want to land in trouble and take those who I love with me, but I can’t stop! What is this self destructive behaviour? When and how did I start trusting you so much? I feel I am at the edge of a cliff ready to take a plunge and I am terrified. What if you are not on the other side of it? What if you deceive me, let go of me, leave me to die? I think of all this and then an even terrifying thought comes up— that I am, indeed, more willing to destroy myself at your call, than to take the chance to lose you. No one should have that kind of power over anyone. I feel like you have me under a spell but it is a spell I am willingly submitting to because it brings me so much peace and joy. I have never known this ecstasy and I am addicted to it. And it’s irreplaceable and unreplicable. You are the only source of it. I know because I have tried finding it elsewhere. From other people, from work, from my ambitions. It’s never the same. You make me so happy! I can spend hours with you and still never get enough of you. I could have you wrapped tight in my arms and still feel like you’re not close enough. You feel so close to me and still so far away. You’re always right within reach and yet I still can’t hold you. It’s frustrating! I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever because it’s torture. I want all of you but I am afraid you’ll not want me. I don’t know which is worse— to be rejected by you or to never try and find out if you wouldn’t. I throw emotional tantrums trying to get you to react and respond because that’s the only way I know how to get your attention because what else can I do? What can I give you that you don’t already have? And this is another aspect of this connection that I am scared of as well. How can I match you? What can I give you? For many years, I have seen myself in a certain way. I know why people like me or love me. I am Jeon Jungkook of BTS. For so long, that was my identity. You came along and shattered that illusion. Suddenly that identity isn’t enough anymore. I feel naked around you. I feel poor. What is my identity, I don’t know anymore. I was comfortable living a life of playing a role for other people to make them accept and love me, but it’s not working on you. And honestly, now that I see it through your eyes, I don’t like it anymore either. Who am I now? I feel like a nobody. What can a nobody give you? What can a nobody give anyone? I hate being here. And yet, there’s a strange sense of liberation in this that I have never felt before. As comfortable as I have been living a dual life so far, it also felt like a burden on my shoulders. I could never truly be myself with anyone. Now I feel like I can, with you. But what if you don’t like who I truly am? I am so scared to look at myself. This is the reason why I throw tantrums to get your attention. It is easier than looking into myself. Because I fear that if I did, I will only see bad things. I will only see myself taking and taking and taking from others and I will see my judgment in there— that I am indeed a very bad person and for that, I am punished to live a life without you. If that is the truth, I don’t want to know the truth. I want to live in this beautiful illusion forever— or so I think, until I am tired of living in the illusion and want the truth. I want to know how you feel about me. I want to know if there is hope for me in this journey or if I am trying in vain. I want to know if I’m on the right track or if I’m going crazy. I am lost, I am lonely even with so many people around me, and I have no map nor a compass. All I’m being shown is the edge of this cliff and being told to take a leap of faith and even the courage that it requires I need you for that.

And then I wonder, am I annoying you with all my neediness? Are you liking me less and less every day because of how lost and incapable I am in this journey? You are so smooth, you have figured everything out and everyday I try to catch up to you but you are progressing at the speed of light and I feel more and more lost. I feel like I am failing us again. But believe me, I am changing. It might be at a slower pace than yours but I have changed so much than who I used to be before I met you. And that is why I feel that there is something special about this connection— it hasn’t just changed me with regards to you, it has changed me in all areas of my life. And I am so proud and grateful for that. But the path ahead seems to be so long still and then I lose hope and hate this journey. Why does it have to be so difficult and complicated? You love me, I love you, then why can’t we just be together? Isn’t that what love is? That’s it, I am crossing my arms and sitting here and pouting until I get what I want. (lol cutie). And then after my tantrums dissipate, I see the meaning of this journey again. I see all that it has done for me, the way it has changed me, and I am grateful and hopeful again. That small voice has actually been getting louder and louder over the days. I think the balance is tipping in favour of hope. Every day I feel a little more hopeful that we are indeed meant to be together. Maybe that’s what this maze is all about. I see light flickering more strongly at the end of it every passing day. I just have to figure my way out. In doing so, I have been learning to grow more and more confident in my own ability. I may have been discovering my own true self, devoid of my past identity created from my ego. I am purging past energies heavily and having multiple tower moments and ego deaths on the way which is where the moments of pain, the anger comes from, but every day, my resistance is weakening and I am, little by little, accepting this journey for what it is, not what I want it to be. I think I am noticing a pattern here— after the pain always comes the feeling of liberation and power. I want to be everything you want and everything you deserve. No matter what it seems like on the surface— it may seem like I am this selfish evil person who only thinks about his own needs, but believe me, I want to return back to you all the happiness and peace that you have given to me, I want to fulfil all your dreams. It may seem like I don’t value you, but you are my most precious treasure, and I want to make sure you know what your worth is to me. I am trying my best to get there. I am navigating my way as best as I can. I hope it is enough for you. I hope you can be patient with me. I hope you never give up on me. Please don’t ever leave me.

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sarah-serendipity-other-things2 · 3 years

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An update and temp goodbye from this blog

I made this blog recently in an attempt to let some stuff out that I couldn’t even work through with friends or family. Because I was just not being honest with myself fully or even them to the level an anonymous blog would allow me to be. Essentially for a long time. Longer than I would care to admit. I’ve been ignoring my heart and operating in a way that, to be clear, was me. But wasn’t the me I like to be. When I date someone. Or at least when I dated my first love I am all in. Nobody and nothing else matters to me in a room alone with that person. Like. He was my world. I would have done anything for him.

And a lot of my personality in general. I would do anything, like Jump in front of a train for anyone I love. I just hate to upset anyone and I want to just protect everyone. So. Long story short. I ran from my first love. And he ran from me and blocked me out. And in so many ways we were just kids in a love that we both knew would lead to marriage and we both got afraid, because we both had so much trust in the other and as a result so much fear. And since him. I would laugh as I dated other people and be like damn I got some commitment issues now why is that. And would just laugh it off. But in reality and what I realized through these last few months. I had commitment issues because my heart was never fully with me. It still in many ways belonged to A. So I never really stood a chance with anyone else. And it wasn’t fair to them.

I dated another amazing guy for many years but he and I have been honest with one another. And we knew for awhile things were not okay. But he’s such a great guy he wants nothing but to see me succeed and figure out my mental health as it has declined to a level that scared him and my family and friends. Unfortunately the reality of the situation with him is. I have to focus on me and my mental health but he also knows fully. I’m in love with my first love. In a way. Idk how to explain. It has always felt. Like. I was attached to him by a string. And it makes me cry to even start to write this. Because I think in some silly way I hope one day he stumbles upon these words. But I know he probably never will.

But people have been asking me why I’ve dropped off the face of social media. Gone MIA. been so sad. And all I say is. Oh I’m just going through it. But how do you say: the man I’ve been with for years wanted to marry me and I could never agree because I recently let myself feel what needed to. And I haven’t felt the same about anyone like I did with A. And knowing I hurt A and yes he has hurt me in ways that have broken me, but fundamentally knowing he was hurting and felt the same way as me this entire time we just weren’t brave enough to pull the plug. Knowing I ever caused someone I love and respect and admire so much, pain, has been overwhelming. And the boy I have been seeing. Knowing I caused similar pain to such a great guy because I mean. He can’t be A. and I can’t keep hoping he will somehow become A. It isn’t fair to him. Knowing I’m gonna be single for awhile.

It’s heavy. As an empath knowing all this pain has been caused feeling it all and your own at once. I mean. If I’m being honest it nearly killed me. And I’ve had really bad days but I’m feeling like. I’m finally working my way out of it. But before. My friends and family almost had to call doctors. My best friend was so desparate watching me drop so much weight she did something I can’t even be mad at her for. It’s just been a wild journey. I’ve never been so heart broken and overwhelmed. And i can say it now. Because i hope and pray I’m out of the thick of it. But I was contemplating ending everything, and taking myself out of the equation. Because for me I just felt everyone’s pain and I was like well I guess I caused this by not realizing what I realize now so I should just remove myself to make everyone’s lives easier. And it was a super dark place. One I don’t know if I’m fully out of. But. I’m healed enough to talk about it here more. But it was scary. My family almost lost me. And I say this praying this isn’t just a temp fix and I don’t go back to that place.

So. I say all this and tbh. I could keep ranting for years. And I’m so happy this is private. But. There’s so much more to it. Today I feel like giving up. Like I’ve fought the fight for my person I’ve done so many months of praying and hoping and checking whatever I can to make sure he’s okay. And today is just. I had dreams all about him. And it feels like. If this person is meant for me then I leave it to the universe now to make it happen. I am killing myself trying to be apart of his life. Show him I care. But at some point he’s gotta show me the same. Neither of us are gonna be successful in any future relationship if we don’t heal or. If we don’t admit the truth and try if it is as special a connection as we both had believed. Then fuck let’s try.

But I can’t make that type of decision for both of us. So I’m not giving up on him fully. But I’m releasing or giving up my focus on him doing what I hope I want him to do. I believe in him. And I love him. And my god when he smiles. And laughs. I feel safe and happy. And I know. If he was ever truly honest with himself, If he pictured me walking in a room with him. What would he do? I know he would hug me. And we would run to one another. The intensity in our connection physically and mentally is just unmatched. But unfortunately distance plays a role that allows him to mentally distance himself from me.

And unfortunately I can’t keep putting words and emotions in his mouth. He has to speak and have the courage to say what he feels so we can heal together. I love him in a way I will never be able to explain to anyone. And I want him back. But I need to let the universe and him. Take control of his own life.

So this leads me to this blog. I loved this blog for awhile but lately it’s been a bit of torture seeing so many sad quotes I relate to. Seeing love quotes and songs that make me think of him. It’s just becoming a bit much. So I’m taking a temporary hiatus. I’m trusting in the universe and him. And I’m not going to be posting for as long as I mentally need to step back

I hate the word giving up. So for now I’m just. Stepping back. And I love and pray. The solution and resolution is on its way. I love you A. And I’m sorry things got messy but if I’m ever going to be ready for any love like ours if it can’t be with you, I need to heal myself too.

Bye for now.

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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interlude 1.1 (Branjie) - PinkGrapefruit

A/N - before i say anything i’ve just got to say a massive thank you to Evan (formercongressman) for beta-ing this for me and Alexandria (alexandriabelle1) for pointing out i should probably get one. They’re absolute godsends.

This is a 5 time fic prompted by an anon and tbh i loved writing it so if anyone has anymore they want to send me, i’d love to hear them. As usual, Brooke is ‘him’ and Vanjie is ‘her’ just for clarity of reading and this is my interpretation and in no way supposed to be accurate or anything. Enjoy!

The 5 times Brooke kissed Vanjie to calm her down, and the one-time Vanjie kissed Brooke.

[episode one]

She’s ecstatic and god he can see why. Between the two of them, they collectively slayed the first challenge and she looks on the verge of tears. Her chest glitter is mixing with the sweat from awful studio lighting and her eyebrow might be slipping but she’s just so happy. None of it matters now.

He pauses for a moment to watch her, and he knows that this might not continue but it’s such a beautiful sight and to never see it again would hurt. He vows to commit the contours of her face in this face at this moment to memory, so he can flick back through them like a scrapbook, discerning the good from the bad.

She looks over to him, the twinkle in her eye a congratulation on his success, but more so, a challenge. Like she knows he’s been staring. In truth, he knows she’s been staring too. He’s sure that the producers will make them voice over these moments in sugary anecdotes and play their blossoming whatever like a fiddle for views, but he just can’t bring himself to care. Because she’s so happy.

He takes her challenge, later in the werkroom when it’s quiet and colder and the glitter and the makeup have all washed away. They’re pseudo-alone on their couch in the corner - everyone else crowded at the other end of the room, obscured by tables or out in the smoking area absorbing the fresh air into their clogged pores. She looks at him the same way she did in Untucked, stares with her glistening eyes and starts to cry because ‘I never thought I’d get this far, I don’t know how I’m still here’. He leans in and savours the feeling of her stuttering breaths on his chin, the scent of powder and strong makeup remover that cloud her from his vision. He hyper-focuses on the crease above her lip that looks so good. He knows there are tears rolling freely down her cheeks as he places one hand to steady himself and takes another deep breath of her.

When their lips touch it’s warm and soft and nothing like he’s ever felt before. In an instant he feels like he can see their future, he can watch like a spectator in his own life, and he lets himself melt into her as they become one to fit the contours of the couch and each other. Her breathing instantly calms, because nothing about this kiss is passion or fury or anger. It’s just sweet and reassuring and everything she needs; he’s everything she needs.

[january twenty nineteen]

The trailer just went up and she’s terrified. He heart is pounding and her head is spinning and god she needs everyone to shut up but no one is talking. She’s locked herself in a bathroom stall somewhere in the World of Wonder building where everyone is getting set up to film their Meet the Queens live stream, and honestly she’s just praying no one finds her. She’d gotten about ⅔ through her makeup before the panic overtook her in its entirety, but it’s swallowing her whole and it’s terrifying.

She’s uncertain still as to why this is affecting her the way that it is. It shouldn’t, of course, because she’s done it all before, but this time is just so different. The first time around she had nothing but a legacy to uphold and a quick wit. She came out of it a broken person but damn she learned. She took everything she got from 30 seconds on television and built herself a career out of it. This time, she’s come out of it with solace, dignity, and a fine looking Canadian. She has a life now, pets, and a man who takes her as she is and she loves him for it. Plain and simple, she loves him like she’s never loved another person, and the fear of losing that to the global tours and shows and flashing lights… it scares her.

She hears the door open before she sees his shadow. It looms over the stall door and fragments like shattered glass when it hits the light. She can’t find the stability to talk, though, so her breathing carries on in its brutal staccato, harshly shallow and burning.

He taps quietly on the door, knowing she needs space but just wanting to help her. God knows they’ve been doing this long enough now that he knows just what to do. He momentarily wonders why she didn’t just come to him, but he remembers his own excitement towards the day and knows that she didn’t want to ruin it for him. Briefly forgetting the current situation, it warms his heart to know that she thought of that.

She doesn’t have to speak when she slowly opens the stall. He knows her well enough to be able to tell what’s going on, and she knows he wouldn’t push anyway. Instead, he just pulls her into his arms in a tight hug, tells her he loves her in actions, not words. His nose grazes her fade, breath tickling the stubble. She leans into him willingly, her own nose nuzzling at his chin. He smells like always, like cigarettes and coffee and Fenty lipsticks, and it soothes her soul like menthol and tea.

When their lips meet it’s not for show, for anyone but themselves. Even though they’re in the same environment that’s always exploited them, they take this moment for them. She knows that no matter what happens, they’ve still got this.

[august twenty eighteen]

It’s 3am on a warm and windy night in New York as he walks into the AirBnB they’re sharing for the week. He’s so glad that for once since they’ve returned from Drag Race they can share the same four walls for longer than a night, can let themselves be a couple again. His gig had run long and he’s angry that he’d missed her going to bed but he’s here now. As quietly as he can without waking her, he places the keys on the counter by the door, snakes into the kitchen and pours a glass of water. Sneaking back through to the lounge he rummages for a second in her rucksack to find the Advils she always keeps. He pops two out and places them next to the glass on the table. Contemplating writing himself a note (because he always questions the Advil in the mornings) he remembers that for once, he’s not alone. Tonight there doesn’t have to be a note.

‘Crap’ he mutters to himself as he crosses the wooden floor with a creak. He pauses. Listens.

As he strains though, he can hear soft whimpers coming from their closed room. All attempts at silence are abandoned as he rushed to the door, pushing it open as quietly yet quick as simultaneously possible. He wants so desperately to be imagining things. He knows, quite quickly, that he isn’t.

Brooke moves around the bed. It’s roomy when you consider the size of the apartment but they both knew the second they saw it that they wouldn’t need that much. Not when they sleep like koalas, clinging to each other til morning.

When he realises she’s still asleep he can’t tell if he’s glad or not, but hearing her soft cries in the night breaks him. He just wishes this wasn’t her bren to carry alone. Wishes he could split the anxiety and the panicking and walk up the mountain together. Luckily he’d had the wherewithal to shower and de-drag at the venue and he’s dressed for comfort. All of this is good news to him as he drops the last of his bags at the end of the bed and slowly, carefully, sits on the edge. Swinging his legs on, he leans back so his chest is level with her head and draws her into him. She goes quiet as she burrows into his chest, so small in that moment and, as he presses a long, protective kiss to the top of her head - he promises to never let her go again.

[episode four]

He follows her over in Untucked as she panics to herself. It’s the least he could do, he muses, as she frets over something he feels is trivial. But even less than a fortnight in, he knows not to argue or point it out. He’s all to aware that she’s experiencing this differently to everyone else, he’ll just have to accept that.

The tension is seeping out of her and he can feel it, hot on his skin. Her body has a quiet shake to it as if she’s vibrating softly, but he knows that the sweetness of that imagery is nothing compared to what is happening. He’s seen it before in his friends. In Courtney before her first drag coven show. In Nina the first time they met. He’s seen it in himself before every performance since he was 7. But despite his exposure to it, he hates it on her. The twisted look on her face pains him as she tries to sort what she’s doing and all he can give her is encouragement, full of conviction and maybe the naivety of someone falling in love.

‘Out of the three of them I know you were, I feel like you were given the least harsh critiques’

He’s hoping he said it with enough persuasion that she’ll believe him. She needs to believe him because he can’t keep watching her tear herself apart like this without knowing that he did everything in his power to stop it.

‘Fuck that shit’

Her reply is short but definitive and frankly, he’d be laughing at her bluntness if he didn’t know that it was a defence mechanism. He brushed the blonde hairs from her chin, takes a moment to admire the wig on him and notes that it’s a fantastic look. The orange is, too. The whole thing is something he’ll bring up later.

‘Honestly they gave you like almost no negative critiques… and you were killing it with the dancing’

He feels it necessary to equivocate on his beliefs. He won’t allow her for a second to believe that he’s not 100% supportive and confident in her abilities. She just makes soft humming noises and he can hear ‘Living in America’ booming from the Apple headphones that she’d haphazardly shoved into her ears. It’s at this moment he realises that he’s not going to get anything else out of her and so he just pulls her into his arms, laying a gentle peck at the corner of his mouth, not letting his lipstick mar her cheek. She turns her head and he can see the pain in her eyes as she puckers her lips at him. He leans down and captures them, knowing that when he pulls away his lips will be tacky with gloss and glittering a pleasant gold. It looks good on her but it’s not the most subtle thing.

As the producers call cut on the conversation they weren’t even directing, Brooke smiles to himself. He knows that they’ve just secured her safety, knowingly or not, and he’s just grateful that they will have more time.

[march twenty nineteen]

He’s in the cab back from his gig with Nina when she calls him. It’s late there but not too late in comparison to the pitch black 4 am they can see out of the windows. Their seven-seater taxi feels too crowded, full of sweat and drag queens and he feels like this conversation will need privacy. He knows that even if it does he won’t get any.

She’s drunk in a t-shirt dress and a yellow waist length wig muttering about instagram stories or love and he knows she misses him. It’s evident purely from the fact she’s facetiming him on the break between her sets, in a storage closet. If that wasn’t enough, she’s spilling secrets left right and centre and if he was sober he’d be terrified, but honestly it’s so good to see her face and it feels good to laugh with her again. She holds off on the sobbing til he gets into his own room (although she isn’t shy on imitating him, screeching ‘I have two kitties’ at an ungodly pitch for Brooke’s own waning drunkenness).

When he’s alone though, she begins to cry, it’s hard to make out on the grainy facetime that will never do her face justice for him. They use it too often to truly dislike it, but it’s not a substitute for holding each other on cold nights like these when they’re both too lonely to be alone. If he were to write a list of things he misses, he would list her at the very top, leave a few lines blank, and then write poutine. But even that was hard to miss in Canada, so really she is all he longs for and fuck it hurts. The incomparable yearning he feels burns into his very soul, and he wonders how cruel the world must be to have found him someone so perfect when they’re both required to be everywhere but together all the time.

She brings him back to the present as she tries to blot her running foundation with a receipt she found in her pocket. He wants to reach through the screen and brush them off her soft skin himself. Even though they’ll both be together by the end of the day, it hurts that they’re so far apart now.

They cry together, when he’s taken off his makeup and hung his outfits up nicely on the back of the door. They cry for the naivety they had when he thought they would be okay doing this. Before they’d spent weeks on opposite sides of the country. They knew it would get worse but god they hoped it would get better first because she can’t stand this anymore, and he isn’t far behind her.

Later, when her show’s done and she’s home and it’s almost the afternoon in Canada where he is, he talks her to sleep and maybe in his fantasy he kisses the tears off her cheeks till she calms down. He places a meaningful kiss to her forehead and turns off facetime, knowing that when she wakes up he’ll be next to her.

[march twenty nineteen]

She rolls over to the sound of her alarm going off. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon, which means she has about an hour to get her ass out of bed and pick him up from the airport. She realises she may be cutting it close. In the shower, she uses up the remainders of his favourite shampoo, knows he loves how it smells when he presses his nose deep into the unruly mop of hair she keeps trying to maintain. She puts ice compresses under her eyes as she eats what can only be described as a pseudo-breakfast (because it is neither eaten at the time of breakfast nor does it contain any real breakfast foods, but it does the same job), and she almost forgets to take them off as she leaves the house. The hope is that they removed the last remnants of her crying herself to sleep but frankly, the hangover might have done that too.

The drive is mostly uneventful, although she flips off an unusual amount of drivers in the baking Los Angeles heat. She’s bouncing in the driver’s seat by the time she arrives and she rushes into arrivals with less dignity than she afforded herself going home first because she’s so excited she might burst and her man is coming home.

He’s hard to miss, a 6’3 Canadian ballerina in a crowded airport and his thousand bags help her to spot him almost immediately. She does a quick once over of what she’s wearing as she fiddles with the bandana around her neck, knowing it will make Brooke happy (and also so mad). It takes the very little restraint she posses not to scream when he runs over to her. Suddenly all his bags are on the ground and she’s up in the air, feet dangling, and they’re both crying again because the feeling of each other will never get old.

She’s engulfed in the smell of that one time that he made seafood at 3am and they laid on the street til dawn. The time she pulled him into the Florida ocean when all he wanted to do was get Panda Express and watch TV. The smell of airports and long nights and coffee and menthol and shit red wine and good red wine and everything all at once. He smells like love and he smells like home and she kisses the tear tracks on his face because she fucking can.

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #pinkgrapefruit #interlude #concrit welcome #submission #canon compliant #on set fic #s11

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dykedteach · 5 years

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okay here we go, episode 2 second watch

(I think this is my longest liveblog I’ve done, but then again I feel like this is the most emotional a tv episode has made me since I finished Black Sails so like?)

so uhhh they’re really gonna hide all the valuable people in the crypts huh, they’re really following through on that

“women and children first” to DIE??? I M EAN

i’ve been thinking about this non stop since i first watched the ep and my growing dread is nigh unstoppable, if i had any doubts that the winterfell dead might rise, their whole repeated thing of “everyone will be safe down there” shot them straight down

i’m lowkey annoyed we missed out on what would have been an incredibly awkward introduction scene between jaime and literally everyone, but i’m glad his “trial” didn’t drag out

i want sam’s opinion on dany’s bloodthirst vis a vis avenging her father BC LIKE????

“i’d do it all again” honey be QUIET

L O Y A L T Y

loyalty

l o yal t e a

lmao daenerys’ look of anger and disgust at brienne hopping to jaime’s defense alone makes me want her dead tbh

sansa being a better strategist, ruler, negotiator, and peacekeeper than both of her parents combined, is my weakness tbh

also He R aRmOuR drESs !!!!! what a LOOK!

d: “what does the warden of the north say about it?” j: [has dissociated solidly through the past six hours, is only now just realising it’s daylight and he’s in the great hall] uhhhhhhhhhhhh cool i guess?

tyrion finally breathing after daenerys lets jaime live is ridiculously endearing, i love the brothers’ relationship so much

baeworm death-glaring jaime is also ridiculously endearing tbh

i dig the gendarya love theme, i do i do i do

everyone keeps saying that the fact they had sex means one of them will die next ep but honestly? out of all the non jonerys pairings (missandei/greyworm, sam/gilly, jaime/brienne) i think they’re most likely to live through the battle, and the fact they have their own theme makes me doubt as well that they’ll end next episode

that poor guy who got in the way of arya and gendry’s dragonglass throwing foreplay, so close yikes

i can’t believe that out of everyone who bran has been weird to, jaime was the one to take his weird shit best

“how do you know there is an afterwards?” sd;kjlas

djkasljdak;lsd

asjd;lsakdla;sd

bran

bran stop

please be fuckin w us bran

this brotherly love scene is great and it hurts me to think it might be their last solo scene

although the way they keep talking about how sure they are they’ll die....idk? and with bronn on the way with his crossbow? to have both, or either, die at winterfell with the battle seems a waste. plus, one of them needs to be the valonqar so?

i’d be satisfied seeing a dead tyrion rip cersei apart though, i’ll admit that

JAIME GAZING AT BRIENNE INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO HIS BROTHER

pod has come so far in his fighting i love him so much i love brienne’s proud mama expression hes. he’s 100% going to die. for sure.

“we have never had a conversation that’s lasted this long without you insulting me, not once” KJASDKLASJDKALSJDALKSD

“i came to winterfell because...” Y OU LOVE HER DUMBASS

i still ship jorah with dany more than jon, fight me

i love the confirmation that all the bad blood between them is under the bridge, i love that he convinced her to make peace with tyrion and sansa, i love that he’s made peace with tyrion taking up his position, made peace with his house, with his relationship with his father...........

he’s absolutely toast and i hate it.

he’s going to die for dany with one last “khaleesi” and it’s going to break my heart

“we have other things in common” yeah you both have jon in your immediate family trees lmao

i’m confused by the “someone taller” comment, who’s she talking about? everyone else hurt her or betrayed her at some point. is it barristan? is it baeworm? it should be baeworm

ok so. i don’t need or want sansa to end up with anyone.

that said

if it had to be a man

my heart almost jumped out of my chest when she and theon hugged, i didn’t expect her to get this emotional at all, shit i didn’t expect MYSELF to get this emotional

HER TEARS

THEY BOTH NEED HUGS IM GLAD THEY GET HUGS

soup dad can’t die i forbid it

let’s talk about gilly for a second, how far she’s come, from a scared abused girl to a strong, caring, confident woman and mother, i’m so emotional please protect her

DAVOS ADOPTING CHILDREN LEFT RIGHT AND CENTRE

THE SHIREEN THEME PLAYING OVER THAT BIT IM ASJDKASDJ

i’m super surprised edd and beric survived the hearth, i thought there would be more of a fight there

LITTLE CROW

i know people crack ship them, but like, they’d almost be better suited than jon and daenerys

while i adore the idea of theon making amends for taking winterfell from bran by defending winterfell and protecting bran from the night king, i know in my heart that all it’s going to result in is a very dead theon (and probably a dead bran)

why do i feel like while well intentioned, having dragons near the godswood is.....a mistake

i’d love for bran and tyrion to both survive, i’d love to see them talk more as equals because they’re so similar intellectually (i know they had scenes when bran was a kid, but that doesn’t count)

missandei and greyworm are too good and pure for this earth, i want them to leave, i want them to go to naath and never come back, i want them to find a little house by the water and eat fruits and find missandei’s family and take in some stray children, some street cats to lay lazily on the stones of their porch, maybe missandei teaches the children of their village every morning under the rising sun, maybe greyworm becomes a tradesman, makes shoes or ale or binds books for the locals, they grow old and content together and the children they took into their home, now grown adults with their own children, bury them side by side underneath carved stones, i want them more than almost anyone to have a happy ever after because if anyone deserves it it’s those two

but there are dreams that cannot be

and greyworm is almost certain to die next episode

maybe missandei too, but i’m not sure

until then, i will live in my fantasy.

i love my nights watch boys, i love that they talk about grenn and pyp, i miss those lads

sam being the playful, banter-full, confident guy he is, i love him so much i’m so happy for him he better fucking survive (and maybe become lord of horn hill who knows? he has a wife and a son so ?

honestly the idea of tywin knowing jaime and tyrion are defending winterfell is so wonderful

ha ha h ah ah ah h a i love tyrion and jaime so much that i. i forget. temporarily. about tyrion’s first wife

brienne stopping pod from drinking and then tyrion just.......fuckin pouring a large one out for the lad

please, let him drink, it’ll be his last

davos is such an old man i love him

jaime looking between brienne and tormund with amusement is the best thing ever

davos’ concern over ten year old tormund hopping into bed with a giant is incredible. dad mode. always on dad mode.

hound’s not gonna die yet, not until cleganebowl, he’s safe next ep for sure. so he’s allowed to be a grumpy old git for a bit

beric is straight up gonna die tho

“might as well be at a bloody wedding” g o d i dont like that foreshadowing

beric is so cheery and amicable im gonna miss him

i’m so glad that they gave arya agency, and a sweet, un-sexploited, in-character sex scene, there’s so few really good sex scenes in this show and i’m glad she got one of them

(no matter how long i spent the first time around watching through my fingers and cringing, i KNOW she’s an adult and maisie is an adult but god she’s still such a kid in my eyes)

as soon as the gloves started coming off i screamed

he is a sweet sweet boy and i wouldn’t want my murdering badass fave to be with anyone else

i appreciate them showing her scars as part of it, i can’t quite put my finger on why but it was nice to see that

i feel like once i get over the weirdness of like, “hey that’s arya”, it’s probably one of the hotter sex scenes in the series? just for passion and use of consent and stuff

i can’t even begin to elaborate on how perfect brienne’s scene is

it’s immediately one of my favourite scenes in the whole show, i honestly don’t have the words

it’s better than any marriage vows that have been taken in the whole series, and to see brienne proud and happy is just...incredible.

the mormont scene i wanted!!!

this is such a touching scene between two of my faves, i want jorah and sam to be pals forever but i know its just....not happening

the fact that sam starts in the crypt but i know he ends up on the battlefield is....concerning to say the least

god. that song. that song is everything

im too in my feelings to care about jonerys, sorry

i can genuinely believe that jon loves her, and doesn’t care about the iron throne or any titles really for that matter. but the other way around? i’m not so sure.

ok so my survival list: dany, jon, sansa, tyrion

everyone else is at risk please pray for me

oh also i bought the download of Jenny and already cried to it three times this evening, so the credits are making it a round four

#laura watches game of thrones #this took me...two hours? to compile?

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expensivebooks · 5 years

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A COURT OF FROST AND STARLIGHT REVIEW(SPOILER)

Hey guys!! This is so late but here’s my opinion on the novella of the ACOTAR series. I am currently reading Kingdom of Ash so hopefully I’ll quickly post my kingdom of ash review even though its a bit weird since I haven’t posted any throne of glass reviews but Enjoy it!!!

If I am going to be honest, I enjoyed this book. I know a lot of people was disappointed because it was all Feyre and Rhysand but I liked the domestic vibes A Court of Frost and Starlight gave. There is not really much to talk about for the plot because there was practically no plot (just shopping). But it brought nice and calm domestic perspective for all of the characters, which we don’t get a lot. Overall, it was quite an enjoyable book I guess? I wasn’t expecting much anyways. But let me say NESTA FREAKING ACHERON stole the book. I don’t know why but I felt for her so much especially in the last chapter.

“I painted and painted and painted”

This summed up all of Feyre’s chapters. Feyre’s perspective was nice but whenever it was someone else’s POV I was so much more excited to read it? It was probably because in every Feyre pov, she’s just talking about painting? I know it was a way of her to move on but it was too much. Does SJM really have to show us Feyre debating about whether she should paint EVERY SINGLE TIME? I didn’t really like all the painting parts, I just thought it was unnecessary but tbh this whole book was unnecessary other than telling us that there’s going to be a new series.

“And what, exactly, does this Band of Exiles plan to do? Host events? Organize party-planning committees?”

This scene. THIS FREAKING SCENE. This made me dislike Feyre, honestly throughout this series, Lucien was always a misunderstood character with no one beside him. Especially since the last book, he didn’t have Tamlin anymore, everyone in the night court hated him (he deserved that) and his mate rejects him. But he didn’t deserve anything of what Feyre threw at him in his scene. Honestly, what was Feyre expecting from him, to stay in Velaris and sulk while they all hated him? After everything he went through with losing his whole future, he finally found good people he considers as family and Feyre had the audacity to mock his new family and him? I was shocked and disgusted she could have Tamlin but I never had any ill feelings for him. Because he was siding with his best and only friend and they both had nothing without each other. The worst part is that Feyre knew that, she knows the deep bond they both have and know she’s shoving that fact in his face.

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

This scene was the first time I truly understood that after everything Tamlin never wanted things to escalate this far. He loved Feyre in a way that was toxic for him and Feyre, and it was best for him to let Feyre go and start anew. I am not defending his actions because they were terrible but I can at least say that Tamlin has a big heart. And while Feyre may have shredded it, it was his fault for his down bringing. Tamlin’s really just the ex that you feel sorry for really, every time I read about him my heart just moves a bit for him.

“But Azriel only took Elain’s heavy dish of potatoes from her hands, his voice soft as night as he said, ‘Sit. I’ll take care of it.’”

This was one of the weirdest things in the book. Strangely, SJM is kinda like shipping Az with Elain? Like what is that? I do ship them but I think Az deserves his own mate, but they still cute. Actually I really ship them but it’s just weird. Why is SJM confusing my poor shipper heart? I guess she’s trying to make a new couple where they don’t have to be mates? Or maybe I am reading too into it? Is it just me? Idk? Was I the only one expecting more from Elain? I thought by now she would at least stop being moody and actually interact with people normally. Not just coming in to politely say hi then disappearing but hopefully she’ll bloom and open up in the next books.

“You are over five hundred years old, she often reminded herself”

I had to remind myself that too. SJM butchered Mor, like wth what happened to our confident, sarcastic, fun girl? Her whole POV was totally useless because SJM just repeats what she’s been through exactly how she explained it in the last three books. There wasn’t anything I didn’t already know when I was reading her perspective. It was ridiculous and she had two chapters just to show her insecurities towards her father and Elis. At first, I was so excited to finally have a perspective of Mor but honestly I expected more than just a retelling of her story. It was nice when she flashback to her past when her father left her nailed and Eris just left her, but that was it. I am just disappointed that SJM didn’t go into detail of how she overcame that and became who she was.

“Shattering”

I swear to god if I have to read one more sex scene from SJM where the word shattering appears one more time, help me God. Why is it shattering? Like I get it, they’re having sex, it’s great but wth? I already knew this series was practically fifty shades of gray with all the smut but this took it to a whole other level. At least the other books had some sort of plot but now Feyre and Rhysand can freely unleash their pent up sexual frustration. Half of this book was about them wanting to fuck each other, its well, not romantic in a sense. Honestly, SJM should just avoid sex scenes if she’s going to put words like shattering in it.

“The sex had destroyed me”

Well, that summed up about 80% of Rhysand’s POV because it was ALL ABOUT A HORNY TEENAGER. I get it they’re in love, but I don’t need to know exactly which walls or furniture they fucked on. But I got to admit Rhysand’s POV brought the practically non-existent plot- the Illyrians. I guess their building on to the next series and I am praying that Cassian and Nesta can keep it down and not be all over each other(which is probably not going to happen because their sexual tension is 10 times thicker than Feyre and Rhysand). I am also interested as how Rhysand will be perceived in Nesta’s POV as we only see him from people he loves.

Nesta. What can I say about Nesta. I’ve never felt so much angst from one character before. She’s hurt, dark and might I say jealous too. How she can’t express her feelings to just anyone and hates to feel vulnerable. I am very interested to see how her story will go, with training with the Illyrians to battling her fears and even falling in love with Cassian(she probs is already). For me, SJM did a perfect job of showing how people have different methods to cope with loss and trauma and she captured Nesta’s pain amazingly. I felt so much for Nesta that sometimes I hated everyone for just leaving her there to suffer alone even though they tried to include her. I could understand her because even though she’s Feyre’s sister, she couldn’t be like Elain, she couldn’t suddenly just accept her situation just because the war ended she need time to mourn for her father and herself. Of the life that was stolen away from her and Elain. Feyre did went through the same process from turning human to high fae but she was given her powers as a gift while Elain and Nesta was forced and taken from them and they were thrust to a surroundings with unfamiliar faces and things force on them(mates). So I’ll always feel more towards Elain and Nesta because they’ve both been through so much and they deserve the best.

Overall, I’ll miss Rhysand and Feyre but this was a good farewell and a start to something new so let’s say our goodbyes to our amazing and strong couple to welcome a new one.

“To the stars who listen, Feyre.

To the dreams that are answered, Rhys.”

#ACOTAR #feyre archeron #rhysand #cassian #nesta archeron #azriel #elain archeron #morrigan #amren #sjm #finale #2018 #bookish vibes #book review #books #life #acomaf #acowar #acofas

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kewltie · 6 years

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im soooooooooo glad that two scenes when up next to each other in time bc I JUST LOVE PARALLELS HELLO!!!!

marriage ceremony, highlight:

cd!donghae is always extra (look that boy may not want attention but man he does everything that cause the opposite to happen) but essein??? EQUALLY EXTRA. i mean who even thought consort candidates should even fight each other to get the hand of their ruler?? tho that tradition has died out (bc peace & consort no longer holds it original power) but past!!essein were so badass tbh. AND WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A FUCKING TEMPLE ON AN ACTIVE VOLCANO AND MAKE IT TRADITION FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY TO GET THERE WTF.

which lead to our next point: the essein are super super (!!!!!) devout ppl so much so that they build a temple on an active volcano believing wholehearted that their god will protect him... and well it rumbles and scared donghae to shit but it hasn’t kill anyone yet in thousand of years so i guess proven right??? :D

donghae 10000% does not give a shit about essein’s gods but he understand their important to these ppl so although he does walk the walk he really reaaaaally isnt that sincere. that will change with time!!

gods ARE HUGE thing in this world but that was in the past now the world can of split b/t those that still believe and revere them to those that think they are decoration bc while esse entire infrastructure rely on magic and will of the gods so ofc they still hold the gods in high regard but in other part of the world where technology has triumph over magic (which is selective, rare, and hard to train/use) everybody catch on that advancement so why pray to the gods for rain when you can build an aquaduct and bring it to your drought written lands?? so more advance the nation (which is mainly the bigger/powerful/rich ones) the less the gods have any influence. but since essein are ‘isolationist’ they disregard any advancement and still practice the old ways, so that’s why the gods are sooo super important to them and IT HASN’T FAIL THEM SO WHY FIX IT????

donghae’s nation, nave, actually straddle that magic/tech divide so while they have advance tech from the bigger countries trickling in but bc donghae’s father is devout, religion and the worship of ion is important to donghae and his family.... but as you can see that no longer matter to donghae bc he had long turned away from them bc they are useless in his eyes ///o\\\\.

i thought about how a big country like essein manage to keep communication with its vast territories since they don’t have the advancement from the outside world (which use something similar to the telegram/phone). AND I REALIZE oooh essein are heavy reliance on their beasts/monsters and tamed to do manual labor and assist in ordinary living so communciation and transimission??? aiayas--giant eyeball bats with hive mind and ability to transmit info/image easily so yes i hope to explore more creatures in the world of esse :)))) IT’S SO MUCH FUN.

the mountain that donghae climbed is shallowly inspired by china’s mount tai which has 7k-ish stone step to climb to the top!!!! IT’S REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND A MARVEL

no gods, highlight:

it’s not explicitly stated in the text (i think, i haven’t decide yet) but during his years of captivity donghae suffered from sever depression and suicide ideation :((((. i soooo hope it’s clear that it's heavily hinted throughout the series

when he was captive of his brother he wasn’t physically torture or punished but he still suffer from severe abuse just not a physical one but mainly emotional/mental abuse (which is not a form that we see a lot in writing sadly) and it’s just as bad if his bro beat him. the thing is donghae’s father lost the war against his own son and therefore many ppl in his family are executed and DONGHAE HAD TO WATCHED IT HAPPENED and the sole reason he’s alive is bc his bro god a an unreasonable grudge on donghae and kept him alive just to fuck with him. he’ll come to donghae’s room and tell him father’s death?? UR FAULT. older brother dying?? ALSO YOUR FAULT. everybody that die??? YOUR FAULT. the reason our country was in a civil war?? IT’S BC YOU EXIST IF YOU DIDN’T EXIST I WOULD NEVER CHALLENGE FATHER AND NOBODY HAD TO SUFFER. imagine day in and ay out someone tell you this your fucking self worth and sense start to warped and you start to believe it IS YOUR FAULT even though it ISN’T AT ALL. and not only he kept you captive and feed you all these lies he isolated you from everyone and the few you get in contact with (i.e. the servants) the moment you make talk/friends with them they get kill just TO FUCK WITH YOU BC YOU CAN’T HAVE FRIENDS AND NOT EVEN A DROP OF JOY FROM CONVERSING WITH ANOTHER HUMAN. and if you try to escape??? BIG MISTAKE you do anything wrong in his eyes he pick the ppl you knows/care about (your wetnurse, ur old servants, etc) that are kept in his prison and take them out and make an example of them INSTEAD OF YOU bc your actions LEAD TO THEIR DEATH... so yea he doesn’t outright physically hurt donghae but hurt his heart and self worth instead and it’s sooo incredibly that donghae even thought he’s out of nave now... he still fucked up in many ways :((((((((((((((( and it’s long road to recovery before he can see that he’s amazing and a survivor!!!!!

donghae’s awkwardness/social inept with ppl through much of the first three arcs (??) is attributed to after years of isolation from other ppl so while he was bright and social in the past... now he’s just a pale imitiation of his self but every now and then we SEE THAT TRUE SPARK OF HIS THAT BEEN HIDING ALL ALONG LIKE CHALLENGING HIS RIGHT TO MARRY HYUKJAE AND LIKE FUCKING WINNING IT EVEN THOUGH HE’S SCARED TO DEATH BUT HE’S MORE SCARED OF BEING ALONE AGAIN NOW THAT HE FOUND PPL HE CAN RELY ON \\\O//.

‘my god died a long time ago’ is honestly one of my fav lines bc it actually talk about two things 1) is that donghae denoucing the gods didn’t begin when his father died but his mother’s death actually. that was when he prayed and prayed for her to recover from her illness but that never happen and since then he realized gods are whimsical beings they only deem to visit you when they want to and not BY UR TERMS. 2) donghae loves his father V V V V MUCH, he admire him for being such a noble and righteous person and was very close to him so while donghae turned away from the gods he put his father on a pedestal and in a way he’s donghae’s god now and when his father died.... so did his god.

kyu’s and the crew celebrating ion is actually pretty common thing for them not only to honor donghae and his family’s god but since they are so devout in their beliefs and believe all gods are important they are respectful of even to foreign gods. esse, throughout history, had acquired a lot of territories (mainly smaller islands surrounding their mainland) and each ones of them have their set of beliefs and religion and though they are adsorbed into esse, they are still allow to worship their original gods alongside essein’s 12 holy deities that are super suppppppper important to them.

#writing notes #fic: cerulean dreams #on writing #im on my way to sickville... LET'S HOPE I CAN SLEEP IT OUT TONIGHT!!!#bc im off tmr and well--we'll see!!

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 3 - "I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and idk who it should be." - Owen

Out of all the people to take out 9-1.... you take out Beastman? Like when Nehemiah- THE PERSON WHO WAS ALREADY VOTED OUT- was there? Like what kind of fucking logic is that? Seriously, had you all used your heads and actually THINK- that should've been the 9-1 vote... Not for Beastman. Literally livid right now, and while I love the immunity of the safe zone, I do not want to tempt fate and throw this next challenge. I am here for myself, and any agenda that I have of wanting this asshole of a player gone- needs to wait or I need to have others do it for me. Praying that it is the latter over the former.

Well, I’m sad that Matt B. Was voted out. I felt that I could have worked with him in the game. Now there is still 10 complete signs and Nehe (Pisces) in the game. We need to win the oasis atleast so we can talk to people because not being able to communicate with anyone else is really gunna hurt us. I rather be in the oasis than warzone. This next immunity looks like we have a chance to win but it is gunna be lucked bases and if anyone wants us to be in the warzone. Hopefully no one does and we can slip into the top 5 now? and hopefully top 3.

Matt will never read this but it's okay, I wanted to type out my reasoning as to why I was chill with him being voted out. 1. I'm trying to play a game that's a little more selfish and a little less selfless to see if I can catch lightning in a bottle and get a TS win. 2. I really liked Matt and had things gone differently I would have been all about a long term alliance, that being said if I'm going to work with someone I need them to be able to keep their name off the unanimous block. He didn't talk to anyone at all til it was too late. I need an ally that if I things gets sticky for me then they need to he able to have pull to help me out of it. 3. This is a long game and we only have quick snippets of time to make connections and I'm not about to throw my vote to spare someone's feelings and get 8 other people start to think I'm swishy washy. They need to believe they can call upon me if they need to. Sorry about the 9-1 vote, but it's a game and we have a long way left to go.

Only remaining Matt! And boy do I feel powerful. However, I feel worse than ever regarding the challenge, it’s just extremely complex and it requires myself and Adrien to put a lot more effort than we are putting in. It’s hard because with only two people there’s no one else to rely on but ourselves, and honestly it’s consistently easier just to defect to him so at least something gets done.

I am getting really worried. My partner hasnt been on today and hasnt really help with the challenge. Im sooo worried that we are going to lose. I was just meh about it so i dont even fucken know if the list will be good and the target list is like my own thoughts even if i told Renee it was random.orged. I just wish no one wants to target us and we are atleast in top 5.

Well we lost immunity. It sucks. But I get to talk to Madison again and also Stephen which is good because I can try and like solidify something with them. Timmy is here too so I can try and work with him but we do have org history with each other. I just hope Renee and I arent targeted this round.

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Most likely gonna stick with doodle and nehe this round, it was either nip that alliance immediately or ride it till its time to flip, flipping now would just antagonise everyone.

I feel like I’m doing well socially but thats on my side. I dont know how people are perceive me. 🤷‍♂️ I hope that I’ll be good for tonight. Timmy and I talked last night and it was really good. It was more of life than game. I enjoyed it. I really want to work with Timmy, hopefully its mutual.

Narrowly avoided tribal this round, probably thanks to Cancer and Virgo making their entire list for the challenge "do nothing". I'm not sure if they threw it on purpose or if that was some type of strategy to keep signs from being mad at them, either way it's a damn challenge, people can get over it. Especially when you can target a sign that has consistently been on the top on challenges in Capricorn. I don't care, I'm not going to tribal, in other news, I landed another hit in battleshits. I need to get that ship sunk before someone else happens to find it as well, if I can grab another advantage that's one more someone else can't use against me.

I want to get Stevie out. I don’t think it’s going to happen but i want to try. I would go for Owen but people tend to tell Owen things if he name is mentioned because he just has that personality. I don’t think Stevie would have those connections and it would be nice to limit that tribe since they went to the Oasis twice already (I think that’s what it’s called). I just need to look back to see if he is already the weak link on the tribe because then it might be better to keep him but honestly I’d still rather see him go. So I’ll try to get people on board for some plan.

I uh threw out a name out to Timmy. I really feel like we can actually work together in this game my target as of now is Stevie. He’s really nice person but havent really talked to him outside of the warzone chat. Timmy had the same idea so hopefully it could be an easy vote tonight. Timmy seems on board so he could get his partner Trace. Doodle amd Stephen want to work with me and Renee so we’ll have their votes too. I need to talk to madison but hopefully they would want to do Stevie too. Leaving both Capricorns on the outs which sucks cuz i like Owen.

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This vote is getting closer and closer. I’m slightly getting more nervous. Its being very calm and quiet again. Stevie is still the target for me so we’ll see how that goes. I’m just worried that there would be messy scrambling the last hr or 30 minutes that would switch targets but right now it feels like Timmy is on board for Stevie and hopefully Stephen would be too.

for the first time, I spend the day in the Oasis. Winning 3rd place is a blessing and for it to be on this challenge, an even bigger one (not seen as a comp threat, can pretend we tried to flop but not make it obvious to the Pact). I am glad that I get to socialize with Willow a bit again. And hopefully I can socialize w Matt and Adrian a bit too. Cullan is lowkey dry and idk if he likes me at all but idk why he wouldn't. Tonight, the people I like are facing tribal council. Owen, Madison and Jacob cannot go home but Renee could! I hope some miracle pulls through and that b*tch is sent packing. I did not come for her in any way shape or form in immunity bc I want to be able to disingenuously rebuild w her if we make it onto the same tribe or we both make it to merge. Renee's ass did NOTHING BUT GRAB AND SRATCH ME HOWEVER. FUCKING BITHCHCISOAFHISHFSKLHGSHGKLS I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK UNTIL NOW. I HOPE OWEN LOOKED AT RESULTS AND IS ON THE SAME WAVELENGTHS AND GETS THAT BITCH OUTTA HERE. Kait and Thomas also grabbed/scratched but nowhere near as much as Renee's dumbass did. She's an idiot, she has no game. I'm getting her ass out the fucking second I have a chance. Does she not remember how easy it was to get rid of her the moment I wanted to in Kanto? forget you, go home, goodbye! I mean, this is embarrassing. You threw every wrench you could at me yet still I am top 3 and I do nothing to you and still you are in the bottom 6. anyway, prayer circle for renee to go back to the fissure where she came from.

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Okay soooo i did something bad LMAO I told Nehe I wanted to work with him and then I told madison/Jacob I wanted to work with them and then I told Timmy/trace I wanted to work with them hehe so my plan was to vote Stephen/Taylor or maybe go for renee but..... Nehe wants to vote anyone BUT Stephen taylor/ and madison+trace both don’t want to do maynor/renee.... fuck my life

So basically I have to either turn on Nehe which would kinda suck or somehow convince madison and jacob to do renee or maynor but I feel like they might even go for Nehe and ughhh how did I put myself between this ALREADY My horoscope was right I am dying today

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I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and Idk who it should be. I THINK that right now it’s: Timmy/Trace/Madison going for Taylor, Nehe/Stephen/Taylor going for Renee, Maynor going for Stevie. I have no clue what renee and jacob want. Theoretically if stevie and I vote for renee it could be 5-4-2 if renee did stevie but I also think that madison could try to get renee to do taylor.... ugh. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lie to Nehe, he was the one who told me that Maynor wanted Stevie out. But I can’t screw over madison/Jacob/Trace/Timmy.... Maybe I could vote renee but Stevie could vote taylor,???? And then I tell madison and jacob that Stevie did renee? But I tell Nehe that I did renee??? Idk this is all just too complicated and some people like Stevie and jacob won’t ANSWR ME

Jshdia I am dying how messy this vote is getting. The names that have been thrown out are Renee, Doodle, Stephen, and Stevie. Hopefully we can have the votes stay on Stevie but im worried about Renee. I just hope Im safe tbh. It is a single games after all.

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I am dying right now. Its either gunna be doodle or stevie tonight. Me and Renee are hearing mix signals. Ugh I just hope it isnt me or Renee going. It would totally suck if i leave and it would be bad if Renee left. Its gunna be a crazy tribal thats for sure.

Ok so today has been interesting. It's been such a back and forth between Taylor and Stevie going but at this point it's going to be Taylor. I know I said I wanted Stevie earlier, but honestly it's not me going so I don't care too much tbh. Stevie's name has already gone around once now so it's not going to be too difficult to bring it up again in the future. I'm just hoping for a twist tonight honestly. Something needs to change about this game.

Ooo i dont know if anyone caught that in the warzone chat but Stevie posted he was pushing for Taylor then removed it. I was dying if this was an accident. 😂 but im just crossing my fingers that its Stevie tonight. Doodle seems like they wants to work with me so I want to keep them around.

I ACTUALLY CANNOT HANDLE THIS RN DSAKFJHFSKJD UIGHHHHHHHHHHHH okay so madison tells me jacob and timmy want stevie out and then shes like "wait maybe not" and im like ok and she's like "taylor it is" NNNN OK SO FUCK JACOB AND TIMMY FOR CONSIDERING STEVIE BEHIND MY BACK?????? now I feel extra bad for betraying nehe... but stevie wants to do taylor 100% and renee is seeming to do taylor too? idk if I should just vote taylor and do damage control with nehe/stephen or ifi should vote renee and try to pin it on stevie idek anymore. im worried ppl are being sketch with me and voting me??? but I think if they were votin for me they wouldnt be trying to tell madison stevie or taylor or all this. and idk if taylor/stephen are rlly doing renee like nehe says....or if theyre doing stevie with maynor???? ugh idk. and renee I have no clue about this is just too much but whatever ill make up my mind when tribal comes and pray it isnt me

The Oasis was nice as a change of pace from the warzone definitely!! Sad I missed the movie tho

one good thing about the warzone.... i dont have to deal with nehe yelling at me tonight

I had a really good time at Oasis! It feels good to succeed at something and I’m glad I got to talk to new people, but it also really reminded me that there is so much game left to be played and so many new alliances that need to be made. Thor Ragnarok was good but I was literally waiting for Chris Hemsworth to yell an idol clue or something... and now there’s a swap so I can shit my pants about that

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Pants have been shat. This war zone thing AND being on a tribe with any of the 3 people I’ve talked to is freaking me out like sauerkraut. I just gotta keep showing up enough for these challenges!

Haha i am dying. Both times o switched my target. This one tho might have not beed good but i think it was because me being able to adapt is part of this game and willing to sacrifce someone is 🤷‍♂️. Now lets hope i can get something out of this search i have hit 3 slots with tonight at 11:11pm will be my 4th hit. Cross your fingers for me. This swap is good and bad. But i just need to stay away from the bottom 5.

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Lmfao. I swap with the one person that i don't want to associate myself with, like at all. which means that my road to getting 15th is already settled. which i literally hate because i do not want to do anything with Nehe and he has the audacity of messaging me: "we good or nah?" like.... you do the fucking math. you screwed me over and you ask that? like ofc we're not good. like im gonna make it my mission to screw you and your allies that you have made over the course of the past 4 rounds. you are a fucking little snake and im here with a vendetta. and that is to get you OUT!

Honestly Nehemiah is so full of shit. Him telling me the move is Renee when he knows there are no numbers there. I want his ass OUT

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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daysafternights · 4 years

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And we’ll take it slow, and we grow as we go

Okay guess I took long enough hiatus from everything so I am back to update on my overall COVID plus CB plus upcoming months thoughts. To be very honest, I don't really know what is going on with my life cause I am just living everyday as it is without plan or goal in mind. Ever since e-learning kicks in, I clearly lost my motivation to study properly especially when this semester has only nursing mod and the rest are pretty much arts. Zero interactions make classes really boring and stupid. While despite all that, I did try and put in effort okay since my life is at stake.

COVID became worse like duh. So CB came in. Life is pretty shit at home tbh. Fucking hate it when you have siblings that behaved like they are never in the wrong, like nothing really matters and world revolves around them. Either that, or I am the one with issues. I starting questioning if I am actually the one with problems instead. So everyday waking up is just another battle to see who can pretend nothing happened or see if anyone is gonna piss you off. & honestly the ones getting hurt will be the ones that care or give too much shit about this home. So honestly, studying wasn't even on my mind. Rushed both my lit review and written assignment in 3 days. Amazing is that I got an A for lit review. LOL. Results coming out real soon so I can only pray for the best after all I am still in debt to MOHH right.

So should I thank CB? Maybe. I have so much time to myself I don't know what to do. People know me should know that I am a very very lazy person. Tbh, I missed army so much despite all the shits I had to deal with. Schedules are fixed and life is structured and you just need to focus on your tasks and if you are lucky, you get a bunch of real fun people to work with. So life was a disaster for me during CB cause literally not doing anything productive. While scrolling Instagram and seeing everyone setting goals and learning new skills. & that fking low esteem me kicks in. *roll eyes* Conclusion I learnt nothing new during CB and I continue to waste my life away.

Also, I tend to overthink things and actually more like just a habit of analysing and thinking things whenever I see or read something and its tiring. I don't even know how I was able to acquire this habit. So CB was a fucking tiring period and I don't even want to text people cause I will end up thinking about all their replies. Also, there were and are so many things happen along with CB and you are just so overwhelmed with these news. Maybe caused I got nothing to do anyway and these are the things that I could bother anyway. So I tried so hard not to do anything and get myself started on this and pretty much explained why I love to do nothing and watch dramas or movies to fill up my mind instead.

One thing I guess I learnt is that I might be actually emotionally needy. *roll eyes plus pathetic look* How to explain that? Like I do need human interactions and like deep conversation or rather just listening to someone sharing their bits and pieces. So I felt kinda not myself, easily irritated, losing temper and just wanted to go somewhere and get some fresh air. But but but, it might just be cabin fever. I'm not too sure. Just feel sorry for myself sometimes. *cue sad music* Also, another thing is I have this very bad habit of setting my own expectation on others. Like cause of my own principles/values/mindset/attitudes/etc, I tend to expect others to behave certain ways. & I get emotional/affected/annoyed/tired when they didn't do that. I didn't realise till one friend kindly pointed out to me. So I have been making conscious effort regarding this issue cause its not fair to expect someone to live up to your expectation anyway and why should they even do that in the first place. Its not like my expectation is definitely the right way to go anyway.

So this brings me to my next point that I am so confused with trying to understand myself. So I don't blame people when they get annoyed/angry/frustrated/confused by me caused even myself can't figure out let alone you who ain’t me. So I guess this is pretty much life. A journey where you go on and trying to figure yourself out.

Aside all these, there is indeed a period during CB where I got really negative cause of all the reasons above and also Grindr (play a stupid role as well). LOL. I actually wonder if I disappeared, would anyone actually feel sad. Read the Punggol murder case and I wondered what happened if that was me instead and really the only person that flashed through my mind was my mum. Anyway, I am fine. I learnt that I yearn for love so much that I behave like a pathetic beggar. Looking back at everything I had once done before, I feel sorry for my old self. So I took this chance and told myself to stop trying, it is never worth your effort. Self love is more important than anything else. Because the only only person that will accompany till your death is yourself. I am learning and this is pretty tough given how I had grown up and personality wise. (Or am I finding excuses for myself again?)

And also, CB gave me a deeper understanding of “those who mind don't matter, those who matter wouldn't mind.” So I thank all the people who actually help me in one way or another. Like whether they know it or not, actions/words that they had given or done matter to me a lot.

So CB ended and everyone’s life pretty much change. Will be going attachment from next week onwards and then school is gonna start soon. Gonna be a Yr3 student real fast and also am already 24. Super worried for attachment because the last proper attachment was 2019 May. LOL. I am not gonna kill anyone I hope and I hope the nurses will be kinder despite them burning out and most prob dying at work :’(

Probably gonna try to update once a week now. Yes, I will try to live up to this newly made promise. Cheers to better days.

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

hey journal!

i just had a really good talk with jason and I’m glad. I’m crying but it isnt a sad cry. It’s more like a realization and acceptance of it all. I definitely think God has been speaking to me a lot today in ways that I didn’t expect. And I am both glad and grateful. Let’s see, I started the day by jamming out to Dear Evan Hansen in the car with Natalie this morning on my way to church after training to Fullerton from my apartment! Then I played with some kids before service through volleyball and they helped me serve/hit! Haha. We all need some more practice. Then we listened to P. William speak about how God loves us and will always embrace us! We learned about the Prodigal’s son and how God’s unconditional love for us will never cease! When we come back to Him, He feels joyous! And I thought to myself about how hard it was for me to realize this today because I grew up never really feeling like my parents loved me so how could someone as awesome and powerful as God, ever see anything worth saving in me? And a few points definitely stuck out to me but I kinda brushed it off like usual because no one ever discusses the sermon after service. I always try so hard to defend myself. Like when P. Dubs mentioned when was the last time we truly repented and I immediately thought to answer my freshman year of high school after I felt so bad for rejecting God for so long after all that He’s done for me. And I felt prideful in that and like I was better than all those that either never repented or hadn’t done so in a while. And I just really need to stop judging people and think more about how I can best serve but loving them! But I ate briefly with Songbee and Eunbee and Eileen and later the graduate student from UIUC. And I got along with Songbee pretty well as per usual here and there and just made joking remarks with each other.

Fastforward to Chinatown. I felt bad for not inviting the graduate student and I was beating myself up all day about various things that I could have done but didn’t. I could’ve reached out to the grad student and invited him to join but I didn’t. I could’ve come up with a fun fellowship game but I didn’t. I could’ve spoken up when I didn’t agree with what Angela said but I didn’t. I could’ve invited Catalyst to join Movement for a game but I didn’t. I could’ve reached out to Joshua more but I didn’t. I could’ve boldly walked the streets praising God’s name but I didn’t. I could’ve helped out a homeless man but I didn’t. I could’ve tried harder to talk to Daniel but I didn’t. There were so many things that I could’ve done but didn’t. And especially after feeling convicted to act on a more impulse decision after the leadership retreat, I felt so terrible that I was doing the exact opposite of that.

And especially on the bus ride to Vision School today, my anxiety was acting up real bad and so was my depression. I thought of falling deep into a depression and pushing everyone away and believing that no one cared about me enough to see if I was okay and would just leave me be and fester in my own weakness and sadness and sin. I thought about if I gave Jason my phone to look something up and the last search result was a noose and he would boldly tell everyone that I was suicidal in a joking manner when in reality, I was and I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I wouldn’t be able to return.

It’s not my parents’ fault that I never felt loved by them. It happened and God placed me here in this time for a reason and I trust in Him. He wanted me to experience these things so that He could better use me for His Kingdom at this opportune moment to use me to do so something.

I need to work on apologizing without giving my reasoning because there’s no need to. There’s no need to save grace or try to defend myself. The bottom line is I hurt people and I should take ownership of that—regardless if it was intentional or not.

While at Chinatown, I read a little bit of “Discipleship Defined” and it talked about how we cannot measure our evangelism by the results or how many people are saved. Because by doing that, we are both putting the burden of people’s lives on our own shoulders and implies that we had something to do with their salvation when in reality, it was always God bringing them back home. And we were just the tools that God used to do so but it was never about us. It was always about them. And that was so hard for me to comprehend, especially because I feel as if I’ve always lived my whole life trying to me good enough for my family and that’s a large part of why my work ethic is the way it is now and why i feel like I can never rest. But after feeling so welcomed during the intermission today while really in my own head about everything, my mind suddenly cleared and I was able to focus on the lecture. And seeing and hearing about so many people who willingly signed up to be tortured and take on these huge tasks and still want to dedicate their lives again for these people was so amazing to hear about. It really made me realize how much God’s heart breaks for the people that have never heard the Gospel. And it also made me realize that regardless of what happens to me on this Earth, the end will be death for us all. Maybe my life will be one of suffering or extreme persecution or something else and if it is, so be it. I want to learn to be bold and proud of who God is in my life. So confident that even if my team and I are on a mission and the government threatens us to bow and denounce God, I can stand to rise and proclaim my faith in Him. I can say, “Do what you will to me. Let me be the scapegoat. But I know who God is in my life and I pray that you would come to know Him as well. That His overflowing love would make its way upon you and you would come to know and understand the love that is Jesus Christ.” I want to die serving the Kingdom. That is my dream.

I walked home afterwards and sang some songs that came to mind and at times, my voice did quiet when I saw some people or I would pause my prayer as to not disturb others or have anyone think I’m a crazy person. But as I did continue the walk home, I grew louder and more confident and pushed myself to be and do better and I did! And I just really think God has been telling me that it’s okay to rest and to just be because who I am is enough for Him. I don’t need to earn His love because He already loves me anyway and I need to understand that. I can’t always help everyone. As much as I want to, I can’t. Because maybe I’m not meant to change their life but someone else will. And that’s okay because that is not my burden to carry.

Oh your grace, so free Washes over me You have made me new My life begins with you

It’s your endless love Pouring down on us You have made me new My life begins with you

Oh we’re free, free Forever we’re free When death was arrested And my life began

Yes we’re free, free Forever we’re free When death was arrested And my life began

I need to learn what it means to just serve as I am because who I am is enough for God. The effort that I put forth is seen by God and appreciated by God and that’s really all I need in this world. I’ve been so quick to judge others for what they do or don’t do or how they treat me instead of trying to understand the hurt behind their heart and why they feel like this. I should be actively trying to serve instead of judge and criticize everyone!

I got home and had a pretty fun time with my roommates whilst discussing logistics about adding Rhyarna to our lease as a fourth roommate. And then Jason started calling me on Facebook messenger and I was confused why. So I quickly answered and left Eliza’s room to take the call and it was the big “conversation” he wanted us to have. He gave me a lot of disclaimers beforehand and I was confused and kind of afraid why but he basically told me how people have been feeling about me lately and thinking back, he’s totally right. I definitely own up to everything he said. I only wish people felt they could talk to me themselves but I was happy to be hearing it regardless. A part of me is always afraid that I’m being judged and criticized by Angela, tbh. And I think it’s just her own insecurities coming out in the form of judging others but it’s definitely one of the biggest worries and fears. But my biggest flaw is how I would often times listen to someone’s issues and instead of just listening to be there for them and giving advice through words of affirmation, I would turn the situation to myself and just selfishly share about my own experiences. And my intentions were never to hurt them but I think because I lacked my own support system and always felt like I was taking in everyone else’s problems, I wanted to have the opportunity to share my own story as well. But in doing that, I degraded others and made them feel less than. I pried too much and tried to force shells open when they weren’t ready to be opened. I just need to know my boundaries and be more self aware of everything and I do think I have gotten better but talking to Jason made me realize that I still do it at times without meaning to and I just need to be more conscious of that. It isn’t my place to push people open and it isn’t my place to share when it isn’t about me. People’s uncomfortableness had just made me think back to my family and how I would always feel discouraged from sharing with them. I’m a very independent person because I had to be. And I am really glad that I’m able to share life together on a deeper level with Josh, Johnathan, and Jason. I don’t want to intrude on their guy time and understand that I won’t always be a part of their group but I really am incredibly grateful for each of them. They all have something different to offer and I do as well. I always felt uncomfortable whenever Angela was so quick to judge others and the toxicity of her heart made me feel really bad as well. But yeah. Even on the phone with Jason just now, I’m realizing when I didn’t have to respond or say “I” but I did anyway. I do feel a lot more alone than I originally thought and not having anyone that I really trust to share all these worries and insecurities with does feel suffocating at times. But I really am hoping to grow deeper in my relationship with the other people in MAST and really hit new levels of closeness together. Jason also mentioned how I hurt Chaeweon by saying how I would’ve handled a situation that she went through and basically degrading her and making her feel stupid instead of just being there for her and re-assuring her. I think there’s a difference between being comforting and just telling people what they want to hear. There is a time and place for the harsh truth and there’s also a time and place to just be there and comfort others and I’ve definitely gone for option #1 at inappropriate times. And I do think about her sometimes and wonder how she’s doing but I am glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to Jason about it. I thought we weren’t really friends anymore bc I overshared. I didn’t realize I had hurt her twice. I did apologize on Facebook rn and I hope that was the right move to make. I remember in middle school when I passed word to Johanna and I guess I wasn’t supposed to and I still remember that now as a result. And I am always afraid that it’ll happen again.

Not everything is about me. I try so hard to be the center of attention because I never am at home. It’s all about balance and developing healthy relationships so that I do have people I can really share my struggles and joys with. And maybe that’ll be with MAST and maybe it won’t be but I do strive for that and want to find a strong community where I feel like I belong. And so far, my small group for Vision School is starting to take that route and I’m excited to see where we’ll go.

I am definitely way too prideful at times and I am really glad that Jason talked to me today and for bringing me back down to Earth. Thank you for sending him God. Everyone feels like they can trust him bc he’s a reliable, kindhearted, genuine person and I am really glad to have the opportunity to know him. Thank you God. I know that you’ll use him in such incredible ways in the future. Thank you.

I pray this all in Jesus’ name.

Amen

#reflection

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