#that it has not

[charmingpplincardigans]

So, I see your tattoo artist!Ed and florist!Stede AUs and listen, I love them. I love every bit of it. But every time I see one my brain just goes ‘now switch!’ and then runs away with itself. 

Like, Ed is the best florist in the city, always having the biggest and brightest blooms. People are certain that there’s some sort of magic or maybe a deal with the devil involved, but really it’s because he also silently owns an incredible greenhouse just outside of the city (which Izzy helps him run), and while he’s not the greenhouse’s only customer, he does get dibs. He’s even bred a special flower for his own personal use called the Blackbeard, which he names his shop after.

So Ed sells incredible flowers out of his weirdly gothic storefront and frequently surprises new customers with just how NOT scary he is. On the occasions when people comment on it he’ll just say “rumours” and shrug, as if he or people he knows hadn’t started most of them as a way of marketing intrigue and keeping the competition at bay. He has a routine. And maybe he’s s little bored with it but like, what are you gonna do? 

Then one day while he’s at the counter this buttoned up dandy of a man walks into his shop and picks up the most expensive pre-made bouquet. He’s talkative, and excited about a flower somewhere in the shop that he’s never seen before and when he smiles it’s like the fucking sun. By the time he pays and leaves Ed doesn’t know which way is up. Ed asks Ivan, who has been hanging out in the backroom this whole time to avoid Stede and his talkativeness, what the man’s deal is. And Ivan just shrugs and is like ‘that’s Mr. Bonnet, comes in once a week, buys the most expensive bouquet, talks everyone’s ear off.” 

Ed is useless for the rest of the day, just leaning against the counter and wondering who Mr. Bonnet is buying flowers for. Someone special no doubt. 

Meanwhile, Stede is relatively new in town, only been there a few months. Once he and his wife separated there just wasn’t anything left for him in his hometown so he hightailed it up the coast until he found a place that had enough water nearby and good vibes and he settled in. He wants to do something unexpected, and he’s always loved art and the idea of belonging to a queerer more free community, so he opens a tattoo shop called The Gentleman Pirate. 

It goes without saying that Stede Bonnet has absolutely no idea how to run a tattoo shop. He has a stable of artists, some more competent than others, all invested in themselves more than in what he’s trying to build, but it gets off the ground and it works, sort of. People seem to be happy with their results, so that feels like a feather in his cap. 

Anyway, Ed and Stede get to know each other more and more. They share their work with each other, and their fixations, and a bit about their histories. Ed learns about Stede’s virgin skin and is just like “oh no, this won’t do” and gives him a small stick and poke and Stede almost actually cries because no one has ever wanted to add a beautiful part of themselves to him before. 

Ed tries not to let himself get too interested, since Stede is still coming in and buying flowers regularly and he assumes the man must have some sort of lover if he’s being that extravagant. Though he knows enough by now to know that extravagant is just the way Stede does things. It goes without saying that Izzy HATES HIM. 

Then one day through a series of inconvenient events, possibly a rainstorm or something, Ed ends up back at Stede’s brownstone and the place, it’s incredible! It’s so full of color and stuff and softness! The latest bouquet is sitting on a table just in the entryway below a gilt mirror, the first thing you see when you enter. Ed keeps his eyes peeled for traces of this lover he’s sure exists, but there are none. Some photos of his ex-wife and their kids, some child art on the fridge and wife art hung on the walls, but no misplaced lingerie or a stray watch or notes or anything that might belong to someone Stede is sharing a life with. 

They talk over coffee (one of Stede’s favorite past times is talking, Ed’s said more words in the last few months than he thinks he has in his entire life), Stede leaning very close to Ed over the bar, enrapt as he always is when Ed is saying anything to him, and Ed makes some joke about Stede’s mistress or mister or some such and Stede blinks and goes slightly pink and stammers that uh, no, actually, he doesn’t have anyone like that. Does Ed?

And then they’re kissing. And kissing turns into more and Ed can’t believe it and he has like three mind blowing orgasms before he leaves the next morning and he wants to take over the entire world so he can give it to Stede, but instead he settles for planning to cultivate a new flower. 

Then Stede just drops off the face of the fucking planet. He doesn’t come into the shop anymore, he’s not answering Ed’s increasingly desperate looking texts (and god he hates looking desperate, but he’d thought Stede would UNDERSTAND), he goes down to the tattoo shop and talk to the crew, but none of them know where he is either and at first Ed is worried, but then worry turns into doubt and doubt turns into anger and Izzy isn’t FUCKING HELPING (never does) and Ed is about to do something truly stupid when Stede comes stumbling into the florist shop two weeks later looking the least buttoned up anyone has ever seen him. 

They have a big row, right there in the storefront. Well, Ed does, Stede is apologetic and quiet and trying to REASON with him which just makes Ed angrier and he icily kicks Stede out of the shop and tells him to never come back. 

Four days later Lucius is in his store front flirting with Fang when Ed comes in and Ed gives him a scathing look but doesn’t say anything and Lucius is just like “what? did you have something to say? am I supposed to be scared of you? I’m really the one being inconvenienced here do you know what you’ve done to my boss?”

Ed is fucking apoplectic. “WHAT I’VE DONE TO HIM??” 

Anyway, stuff happens. Ivan and Fang and the Gentleman Pirate crew have to do a little bit of parent trapping to get those idiots in the same room again and there’s a lot of Stede trying to talk and Ed yelling over him and then finally Stede opens up a small box that’s been sitting on the island in the kitchen and Ed’s voice leaves him entirely. 

Stede is apologizing and saying he’s sorry that communication isn’t one of his strong suits. He got an impulse and carried it through and thought Ed would understand, but now he sees that he’s been kind of a dick about the whole thing but well, he wanted to talk to Mary before he did anything rash and anyway he had to go and get this. 

And Ed is like, “are you...is that...we fucked once!”

And Stede just hums and is like, “but we’ve talked a lot, and I quite like your company, and how you seem to believe in and support me, and I want to do those things for you, even though you might not need them, I want to be here just in case.”

And then there’s some makeup sex and some disgustingly sweet things said and Ed tells Stede about the new flower and how he wouldn’t let Izzy destroy it and Stede says he can’t wait to see it. THE END.

But then of course there’s a coda about the two different crews preparing for this wedding and Izzy just threatening to quit every five minutes and Ivan and Fang could not be more excited. The tattoo crew are trying to teach Stede how to do stick and pokes, because he thought it might be a fun activity for his wedding night and literally none of them have had the heart to tell him that he’ll probably be otherwise occupied. 

THE END FOR REAL.

#our flag means death #ofmd #stede bonnet #edward teach #florist tattoo artist au #you know #an hour ago when i started typing this i was like #well this will get it out of my system #and i regret to inform all of you #that it has not #it has only made it worse #maybe i'll actually write it #in june though #for sure in june

[skipppppy]

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with NPD.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are

#the venn diagrom of anti-self ID people and people who go around yelling about ‘spotting narcissists’ on reddit is a circle #sorry this has bugged me for a while #ableism

[sunbentshadows]

Hey all, you know how internet searches suck now? When the results are awful, full-of-AI, death-of-the-internet levels of bad?

Start appending date constraints to your searches - "before:2023".

My results have gone from 90% AI bullshit to ~60% usable - which frankly at this point is a huge improvement.

#information death of the internet etc #legit this has been SO SO helpful #shout out to mastodon infosec server for this one #before 2022 we did not really have the AI-content-farms because. the tech did not exist to the public. #and you can knock back the date if need be #obviously this does not FIX the problem but #me.txt

[diabloku]

Lucifer: *enters the hotel*

Alastor: I cast vicious mockery 😈

An animation my sis and I made for fun

Music is Perception Check by Tom Cardy.

#hazbin hotel alastor #Hazbin hotel #Hazbin hotel Lucifer #vivziepop #Hazbin hotel fanart #Alastor #Lucifer #Perception check #“you're much shorter in real life” #Alastor has no mercy if you're under 5“2 lol #I did: the storyboard; artworks and animation #And my sis did: the coloring; animation as well and the compositing #Team work makes the dream work lol

[tariah23]

Oh…. Well, it’s over for Crunchyroll I guess

#Crunchyroll #piracy #funimation #money hungry ass streaming service #rambling #I’ve never paid for a streaming service in my life thank god #I appreciated using others accounts but I personally cannot see myself paying this much for a service if I had the funds 😭! #get back to pirating kings!!! #anime has always been one of the easiest forms of media to pirate anyway so y’all got this #CR is definitely not worth paying for though #CR is certainly not worth paying this much for even if it’s a yearly one time fee #capitalism #the fact that CR has always had pretty bad quality as a streaming service anyway #it buffers every time you pause or rewind anything

[notbecauseofvictories]

A customer contacted our team with questions, and then finished their email with: "I am daunted by the complexities and unknowns." I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

#no wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you #(which is my career tag; it is a quote from a tv show fyi) #(there was some confusion about that! it's from better off ted. just. so you know.)

[taahko]

i think some of you dont like narratives or stories or characters i think you just like fanfiction tropes

#when the character has traits that wouldnt fit neatly into a coffeeshop au: 🤯😧😵‍💫😵 #shut up aggie

[karnalesbian]

she commit acts of intercourse on my erogeneous zones until i achieve sexual climax

#pattern recognition has transitioned from a reliable ally into a dangerous enemy #alternatively: memes that were written by data from star trek

[destielyurii]

#has this one been done yet #i just got here and im very confused #boop #juno.txt

[some-pers0n]

I hate how people will look at popular indie artists who had one or two songs go viral on TikTok and start making fun of anybody who listens to them. "Oh you listen to Lemon Demon, Will Wood, Jack Stauber, Glass Animals, and Mother Mother? Tsk, don't you know that is stupid TikTok neurodivergent white transmasc preteen music? It's so mid and bad you should listen to real music–" you are a pit of misery

#I'm going to be real with you I think anybody who hates on Will Wood has only heard like thirty seconds of it #will wood #lemon demon #mother mother #jack stauber #sp-rambles #glass animals

[jeffament]

me when someone asks me literally anything:

#original poll was from @sesamie btw muah #‘i don’t know / im bald’ has me in stitches rn #jeffamentertainment

[evidently-endless]

i think we should remind musicians they can absolutely make up little stories for their songs btw. it doesn’t have to be about them at all. you can invent a guy and put him in situations to music. time honoured tradition in fact.

#i love reading your examples! however next person to be like um actually this exists?? it’s on sight #i know it exists. i think it’s fun. that’s why i think more people should do it. #sometimes i think the confessional style loses impact because everything has to be excavated from the depths of the soul #and somehow. confessional writing seems to be going with the most disaffected bland sound possible. odd. #i love deeply personal songs! i love when songs sound like they mean something to the artist! #something something wider issue of mining trauma and being performatively vulnerable for quote unquote content #idk i don’t have the actual knowledge to write about this well there’s just something not landing for me recently #mine

[shutinthenutouse]

#haha #ha ha funny #lmfao #hilarious #funny shit #humor #dank humor #dank memes #meme #meme humor #lol meme #lol #lolz #funny #comedy #lmao #humour #laugh #comic #funny memes #funny stuff #memes #hilarious memes #new memes

[adulthoodisokay]

happy new year, y’all

#what a year this week has been #everyone is okay but C’MON

[jerich0two]

A begrudging Happy Valentine's to you all! Stay safe out there, my fellow aromantics ...

#hazbin art #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #valentines day #aromantic #asexual #aroace #alastor #jeri's art tag for convenience purposes #alastor has my blog in a chokehold

[foervraengd]

porcelain prince

#art #artists on tumblr #mirre arts #this image has alt text #digital art