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themortalityofundyingstars · 23 days

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dying on the hill we met on | 1.9k words

jegulus oneshot | mostly canon compliant (but regulus is alive) | tbh there's no jegulus til the end but it's worth the wait i swear | james being in his subconscious the whole time | nobody dies i promise it's a play on words

June 26, 1979

James had always liked summer. It was his favorite season for many reasons. The sun was always shining, the breeze just cool enough to balance out the warm temperatures. It's a shame he wasn't born in the summer.

It only makes sense he would want his wedding in summer. A beautiful venue filled with green grass and happy faces, his best friends beside him with massive smiles on their faces.

Sirius looks at James proudly, Remus next to him looking almost as elated as Sirius. Peter leans forward to look at James, his face happy but his eyes dim. At the end of the line, Frank is smiling at him fondly, with an older brother aura.

James looks around at all the people, finding his mother's face in the front row next to his father's, both looking at him as if they're remembering when they had gotten married.

James is happy. Who wouldn't be in this situation? He's marrying one of his best friends with the others by his side. His lovely parents are front row, about to watch a moment in time that will always be remembered as a joyous day.

So why does he feel conflicted? As if there's unfinished business haunting his every decision, waiting for him to make the wrong choice, standing in the shadows to watch him fail. Watching him always.

He makes sure there's still a smile on his face when the music changes. What could he have done differently? What if James had gone with him? Made sure everything was okay? Made sure he came back?

These thoughts torment the part of James' mind that ensures he always appears happy. He keeps his smile, unwavering with the growing tide of second thoughts.

Second thoughts that couldn't be acted upon, even if he wanted to. His mind takes him back to the moment Sirius told him they found a body in the lake. The moment they identified it. It didn't quite look like him, though. They told him that the body was waterlogged, so he wouldn't have looked the same anyway. It wasn't there though. The one specific freckle James had obsessed over whenever he looked at his face. It wasn't there.

The music had slowed, and the curtain of flowers at the end of the aisle had been pulled aside, letting the girl who had once been the one James had wanted most be seen.

She's walking slowly, clutching onto Mary's dad as her escort. Her eyes flick to Marlene, Alice, Emmeline, and Mary, her maid of honor. Then to James. His smile is still on his face, only faltering when he glances over to Marlene. A mistake.

She raises her eyebrow, wondering what could possibly be on his mind other than Lily. She looks at Sirius with a questioning look and he shrugs back before nudging Remus and whispering to him.

"What's up with James?", he asks Remus, who's slightly crouched over, "Marlene's asking."

"Dunno, maybe he has to piss", Remus replies before standing up straighter.

"Are you serious right now?", Sirius retorts quietly.

"No, but I have reason to believe you are though", Remus jokes.

"Not the time, but good one."

"Thanks, I know."

James, who is more and more uncertain with each step Lily takes toward him, risks a glance at Sirius, who was already concerned by Marlene's worries, and is met with an apprehensive look from him.

Sirius raises his eyebrow and tilts his head, a bit like a dog. James' smile is nearly gone.

"It wasn't there", James mutters, almost too quietly for Sirius to hear.

"What wasn't there?", he asks back gently.

"The freckle. It wasn't him, Sirius."

"What do you mean?", Sirius asks tensely.

"He's alive", James says to him, slightly louder than before, "I can't do this anymore. I have to go." He looks at Lily, who's looking at his parents, giddy and grinning. James brings a hand up to his face, feeling warmer and more anxious than ever, and finds his hand to be wet with tears. He's crying. They haven't left his eyes yet, but they're there.

Lily's looking at him again and he's thinking about her and Sirius and him and he realizes something.

He could never do this to Lily. He can't just leave to go find someone who might be alive. She's too good to do this to her. He loves her, just not in the way people would think given the situation.

She makes it up to the altar and Mary's dad goes to sit down. A single tear has left James' eye. Lily watches it travel down his face as the officiant speaks.

James goes back into his thoughts, drowning in the lingering feeling that he's still alive somewhere. Wading in the ever present guilt that encases him, telling him he should have gone with him or convinced him to not go. Drifting in the regret that he hadn't chosen to follow him and that he barely tried to get him to stay, knowing he could never change his mind once he had it made.

The officiant is talking through, going through his long speech about loving someone and he signals for James and Lily to hold each others hands. They do, and he finally says the words James has been waiting for.

"Now, if anybody has anything they'd like to say before I wed this couple, speak now or forever hold your peace."

James holds his breath, willing him to come through the flower curtain, barge in, object, run up here, crash the wedding, anything. Sirius glances at James cautiously, knowing he would never humiliate Lily like that, but also knowing he could never live with himself if he married Lily and lost his chance with his brother.

Not a single person moves. It's as if the world had paused to give them time. To give James time to make his decision, to give Sirius the opportunity to stop James if he moves, to give him time to say 'I object'.

He doesn't though. It's a little funny. He wouldn't have known they were getting married unless someone had told him, but who would have? Sirius surely didn't know, his reaction seemed genuine. Not many people were invited, it's mostly friends and family.

In hindsight, James should have known that he wouldn't have come back anyway. James always knew that he would be the first to leave. You can't get left behind if you leave first. Maybe that's what he was doing when he left for the lake that night. Leaving James first. Letting him down gently by faking his death instead of outright leaving.

James doesn't know what hurts more. Him being found dead or James realizing he's alive and avoiding him. Maybe he's not avoiding James, but staying away for his safety. He was like that. Keeping away so someone he cared for didn't get hurt or caught in the crossfire of his own misdoings.

James doesn't hear Lily start her vows. He doesn't hear the officiant asking James to start his. He doesn't feel Sirius tapping his shoulder to get his attention. He doesn't see the look on Lily's face when he's standing, blankly staring into the distance.

What he does see, though, is a boy. Up on a hill, leaning against a fence, a dark haired boy with his arms crossed is seen, despite all of his efforts to stay hidden.

James can't tell for sure if it's him, but he's not about to let him leave again if it is him.

"I'm sorry."

James moves to leave, but Sirius grabs his arm. He looks up at James with dejection in his eyes.

"Let him go."

James looks back at him, his eyebrows together and his mouth a line.

"I can't."

He looks over at Lily and she nods, "Go get him, James." She steps back and Mary puts a hand on her shoulder.

He smiles at her, "Thank you." James looks back up at the hill. His arms are no longer crossed and he's standing up straight. As if he's meaning to leave soon.

He can't leave. There are so many things James never got to tell him, never got to show him.

James makes his way down the aisle, the symbolism getting to him. Going down the aisle to the entrance is usually meant for couples who just got married, not for one of them to leave for someone else. He never thought of a deeper meaning to things before him. James had really only seen the surface meaning of things before him.

It's not a big hill he has to walk up, but James is feeling winded. Maybe the understanding that he's about to see one person who really saw James, the one that didn't show surface level. Anxiousness is pooling in his stomach, feeling like dread and ecstasy and impatience all in one.

James makes it to the fencepost he saw him leaning against, finding it vacant. He looks around and sees his back turned and walking away.

His expression falters. He's leaving again. James jogs up to him and just walks with him. He matches his pace, swinging his arms in time.

James only looks at him when he's sure he wouldn't notice. He did notice, but he'll never tell James.

"Do you love her?", he asks James.

His voice surprises James. He sounds almost the same, save for a hardness that must have appeared with time and damage.

It takes him a few seconds to respond, his mouth gone dry. "Not the way I did you. She's like a sister, if anything."

They stop by a bench and he sits down, motioning for James to do the same. He sits with one leg folded up under the other, his knee resting on James' thigh.

"Why'd you do it?", James asks, turning his head to look at him while he looks off into the distance.

He takes a deep breath in, then out. "I had to. He threatened to kill Sirius. And you, but he added that bit in later."

They sit there in silence for a few minutes before he leans his head against James' shoulder. James, surprised but not complaining, puts his arm around his shoulder, pulling him in closer.

"Regulus?"

"James?"

"Are you gonna leave again?"

Regulus looks over to James, making eye contact, "Not even if you wanted me to, pretty boy."

"Hold on, I'm the pretty boy?", James looks over at Regulus with visible confusion.

"Yeah", Regulus shrugs and looks back to the hills.

"Are you— Have you ever looked in a mirror?", James asks him with raised eyebrows.

"James I've said this before", Regulus tells him with a flat expression.

"Have you?", he asks Regulus, seemingly distressed.

"Yes", Regulus nods.

James looks over to the hills, then back at Regulus with an amused look on his face, "Okay then, if I'm such a pretty boy, then kiss me like one."

Regulus looks at James, still unimpressed by his antics after two years apart, yet always willing to play along. He takes James' face in his hands and kisses him, James leaning into Regulus, moving his hands into his hair as they move with each other.

Regulus breaks the kiss, his hands still around James, one on his neck and one on his shoulder.

"Was that to your liking, pretty boy?", Regulus asks, a smirk on his face.

"Indeed. It was so good, I think I may have blacked out a bit, maybe you should do it again?", James shrugs.

Regulus rolls his eyes, "Fine."

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