#the emotional whiplash I experienced today

[skinreflectsthesun]

.

#the emotional whiplash I experienced today #I legit yelled back at my dad today #told him I’m goddamn 28 years old and he’s not gonna yell at me #he yelled even louder and said he didn’t care if I’m a hundred years old #and then within 30 minutes he was being nice and hugging me and telling me he was sorry for how things are #like my god I knew my family was fucked up #but this is next level #and all the while my kid is toddling around the living room acting like this is completely normal #well it’s not #my fucking god it’s not

[annarubys]

i need things to stop happening it’s only tuesday

#yesterday was batshit and today has been horrible for real life reasons so far #and this weekend i am seeing mcr and a friend from high school i haven’t seen in four years #emotional whiplash is an understatement for what i’m experiencing right now like i’m excited and nostalgic and really sad all at once #the human experience is so weird #sorry to continue the trend of using this blog as a diary but i need to work and i can’t focus so. hopefully this will help #a.txt

[another-lost-mc]

hey so im not the anon who requested the guys going to see barbie but i had legit just watched the movie today and it will mess you up emotionally like i am not kidding i almost started crying at the end some of the guys would be in LITERAL tears and then (maybe) laugh at the last moment quip they pulled at the end

A/N: I really want to see that movie, I’ve heard so many good things. 🥺 I will say, it was whiplash going to the movies with the Oppenheimer crowd and Barbie crowd mingling together. I would’ve preferred to see Barbie, but it wasn't my turn to pick the film. lol

When Movies Make Them Cry

THE DEMON BROTHERS & THE DATEABLES

0.5k words | SFW | gn!Reader

Content: Luke is mentioned in a platonic sense only, the other relationships can be read as platonic or romantic. Mostly emotional hurt/comfort.

Lucifer will cry watching movies but he hides it well. The giveaway will be his wet lashes and the slightly red, puffy skin around his eyes. Most of the tear tracks are wiped away before the lights come back on. He’s more likely to cry in private with you but not in a public crowd.

Mammon screams at horror movies, belly laughs at comedies, and sobs at tear-jerker moments—especially anything involving romance or tragedy. He often pictures you and him together as the romantic leads in the film, and that can be good or bad depending on the film.

Levi gets a little choked up but doesn’t usually cry. If he does cry, it’s in the privacy of his room when he thinks about the movie later on.

Satan and Asmo will both cry at touching romance or gut-wrenching tragedy. Satan comes prepared with tissues and Asmo dabs his face as delicately as he can so he can attempt to salvage his eye makeup (it doesn’t always work).

Beel might get choked up, but emotional movies linger in his thoughts for a while. He reflects on what he can learn from it to avoid more heartbreak in his life (he thinks they’ve all suffered enough).

Belphie might cry, but he cuddles into your shoulder so he can wipe the evidence on your shirt. He chuckles and pokes fun at his brothers for being so whiny but it doesn’t sound very convincing when his own voice sounds a little thick. (He won’t make fun of Beel if he cries.)

Diavolo’s the type that will cry at happy or sad endings. He doesn’t feel ashamed by it either, and he compliments movies that can draw out that type of reaction in him. He’s one of the first to offer you a comforting hug if you look like you need one. He also offers you tissues (he seems to have an endless supply).

Barbatos rarely cries at movies but similar to Beel, the emotional weight can linger with him for a while after. He has several packs of tissues to pass to the others should they need some (aka Diavolo’s endless supply of tissues).

Simeon is more likely to cry at happy endings than sad endings. He’s experienced so much heartache that it’s like a familiar friend rather than a shocking event. It’s the overwhelming love or joy characters share that touch him the most because he desperately wants to feel that for himself.

Luke cries but tries not to. He naturally gravitates to you or Simeon for comfort but tries not to be obvious about it—he doesn’t want the others to think he’s a baby.

Solomon is a mix of solemn contemplation after sad endings and joyful tears after happy endings. It’s difficult to find things that can touch those deep emotions in him after so much of his long life has passed by in a blur.

m.list | Related reading:

When They Go to the Movies [fluff] When Lucifer Watches Hachiko [emotional hurt/comfort] When Mammon Watches a Tragic Romance [angst]

#obey me #obey me demon brothers #obey me dateables #lucifer x reader #mammon x reader #leviathan x reader #satan x reader #asmodeus x reader #beelzebub x reader #belphegor x reader #diavolo x reader #barbatos x reader #simeon x reader #solomon x reader #obey me luke #obey me x reader #omswd x reader #obey me x mc #obey me x you #x reader #obey me fanfic #omswd fanfic #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #gn!reader

[29daffodils]

allow me to vent for a little bit but how does the concept of "pete's only last ditch attempt at happiness would be if vegas had stayed dead" or "pete would never realistically choose vegas" or "pete was tortured and he is probably experiencing stockholm syndrome" or anything along those lines keeps circling back into the fandom every 3 months??

is it because of the new fans? something else? or is it because there are people who genuinely believe pete would never choose vegas if given a chance?

this is slowly going into long meta territory but i'd like to remind people that for everyone else — vegas included — they had different choices for partners/significant others. kinn had tawan for a second time, porsche had vegas and vegas had porsche and/or tawan, but pete? he only had vegas. this man would have chosen the fucked up piece of shit vegas was (and i admit he is, he is a mafia man, what are we expecting?) despite everything, and he actually did.

look, pete would have chosen vegas in every universe, and if he hadn't, he probably wouldn't have chosen anyone, and we all know how pre-vegas pete was.

in his own words, "if you're hurting over it, it means it is important". and vegas became important from the moment pete saw him being slapped by gun. he became more important after the whole torture-bandage-bonding moment, and even more after pete left and still wanted his hands around his own throat. that even at the very end, he chose to save him, that given his loyalty to the main family, he shot and killed the person who attempted to kill vegas.

if you firmly believe this man wouldn't have chosen vegas, i would just say if you've got the very core of pete's character wrong.

(and look, will i deny that the tragic death sequence that tore our hearts out was then followed by a tiny little post credit extra that gave us all emotional whiplash? no. we suffered, babe.

but if you think poetic justice works every time, no it doesn't. the same way killing off a complex character like vegas would be considered lazy writing, in the same manner the post credits extra "hey we've gotta keep him alive for the audience or the rating will fall" was lazy writing. kpts as a whole could have done a lot of things that good story telling demands, the pace had always been a bit here and there, but it was still good. so i don't really get the whole concept of just hate-watching something or worse, tagging that with the ship.)

(also, why are we still debating whether what is acceptable in fiction can be applied to real life or not, it's about to be 2024 please i beg 😭)

anyway, that's all for today. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#vegaspete #pete saengtham #kinnporsche the series #kpts #my posts #my meta #meta #my rants #source : 29daffodils #kpts meta

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 21 Teaser

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC

A/N: Good evening my lovelies! Posting a little later than I planned because the day got away from me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Here is your full chapter 21 teaser! This chapter is going to go kind of fast and cover a lot so we can move the story along. Dragging out their separation doesn’t really add a whole lot... So to hell with that.

This chapter is probably going to give you whiplash since we are going from one extreme to another over a sixish week period. It’s the build up to the inevitable spiral that we all know is coming. So, buckle up and keep your arms and legs inside the ride, because it’s about to get crazy for a bit. Just remember that I believe in happy endings. They got to earn it first though. 🥴

I plan to post the chapter no later than Tuesday…hopefully. That’s the goal anyway. I do plan to follow up with a ‘Today’s Musings’ post related to some mental health stuff going on in this chapter. So keep an eye out for that too!

Now, enough of my gibberish, the goods are below. Please do share your thoughts and predictions. You know I’m a sucker for that stuff. 😏

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury

#dieter bravo #dieter bravo x oc #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo fic #dieter bravo fanfiction #destiny & deliverance teaser #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #dieter bravo fanfic #pedro pascal smut #dieter bravo x you #dieter bravo x reader #dieter bravo x ofc #destiny & deliverance series #destiny & deliverance extras

[boopshoops]

May i ask pain and wound for yuushi? If that's alright

now that i have finished suffering making an armature for today- i can finally get around to answering these!!! heLLOoo lilian!! I hope you're well :D ofc it's alright!

angsty things bellowwww! if this aint your cup of tea, scroll past <3 stay safe yall

pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?

I'm going to assume that his means physical pain given the mention of pain tolerance- Yuu Shi in particular has medium pain tolerance. Not too high, not too low- i will be kinda vague with these answers given its smth i wanna explore more in the futureeeee in my fic- but the worst pain she has felt was in her abdomen, specifically to the left of her stomach. She still has a scar there, though she takes great care to hide it. As for what caused the scar, i cant say, for now.

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

Not well!!! Not well at all! Its actually less about the wound itself for her, and more about the surrounding danger. How would this place her in a position of disadvantage? Can she defend herself well enough? Will she be perceived as weak? Those are a few of the thoughts that rush through her mind- She fears severe physical wounds the most, things that arent deadly or debilitating she can typically be okay with, but a majority of her wounds that exist are actually emotional. Once something is completely out of her hands, she REALLY struggles to regulate her emotions. It's to the point where she will completely turn on herself, fueling a long list of her own insecurities. Because, to her, when she starts freaking out- she feels like she goes from being on top of the world to rock bottom in the matter of seconds. she feels pathetic, and she feels like she cant be seen that way less someone else is convinced she's pathetic as well and uses that as a chance to wound her further. Sure, most of the time she is filled to the brim with pride, but in those low moments, she is completely convinced she's small and fragile. In a way that she knows she's not behaving like herself, and the whiplash is exhausting.

Ask game!

#boopshoopsramblings #yuu shi #boopshoopsoc

[anonymous-dentist]

So, as far as I can tell, after today all of the lovely Tripoiers are doing a complete 180. Now that he might come back with his memory all banged up, they’ve decided they no longer want qRoier to get kidnapped anymore! Which is awesome! For them! But I’m just here like… imagine the angst :D!!

Like imagine what would happen if the Federation takes qRoier and not only fumbles his memories, but completely wipes them. All the way back to when he first arrived on the island. He would’ve never experienced the Abueloier incident, Bobby and Tilin’s deaths, the taco incident, the betrayals, all of the friendships he’s made and has lost (kidnapped or no longer logs on). All the pain he’s experienced gone in an instant

Those who watch carefully will know how deeply all of this constantly affects qRoier. So just think of the emotional whiplash when the members of the island, who would be panicked about qRoiers wellbeing after the kidnapping, are seeing him being returned by the Federation… Happy? Like truly genuinely happy. Happier than the French have ever seen him. Happier than the the Brazilians have ever seen him. Hell, even some of the original members of the island have to do a double take because they’ve never realized how much qRoier’s mental state has declined since day 1

And not only that but like!! Would they try to get his memories back? Would they willingly try to reawaken the grief and pain he experienced so he can “be himself” again? Or would they let him start fresh?

I love qRoier with all my heart which means he gets the angst hammer! >:D (I’m so sorry! For the dump! I just like the way you analyze characters! And would appreciate your thoughts!!)

Now see the kicker is that q!Roier is a very good actor. He more or less behaves the exact same way he did before he started experiencing the Horrors, he just has a bit of a harder time openly trusting people. The only person who knows how sad he actually is rn is q!Bad, and that’s only because Roier had to tell him for the survey. He doesn’t care if the Feds know he’s sad, he’d probably go with them willingly if they asked to meet him alone. He’d scream and protest and go kicking and screaming if they actually tried doing something to him, but also?

The Feds love him. They always have, and even the current Cucurucho seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him. Even the ‘gods’ (read: the admins) will call down lightning on him if he asks, and they’ll revive him in dungeons he’s doing solo. They’ve been reviving him since week one without fail. The Feds allowed his grandfather- an “outsider”- onto the island and let him stay and they saved his life when q!Cellbit killed him because Roier was sad. The only things they’ve ever refused him are a gun and the return of Bobby, but even with Bobby they let him and Jaiden have more time to say goodbye than every other parent got combined. They pay special attention to his happiness- remember when Cellbit’s task for the day for them was to find out why Roier was sad and what would make him happy again? The entire point of the Quest for Bobby was for Roier to see how many friends he has because the Feds know he’s lonely! They’re just really bad at being a support system because they don’t understand the emotions going on.

They like him to the point that he’s actually questioned multiple times if he’s actually part of the Federation, and other people have asked the same, which definitely won’t ever come up again.

This is all to say: I don’t think they’d wipe his memories because he isn’t actually being a problem. Quackity was a problem. He was making other people sad, so he had to he dealt with. Meanwhile Roier is alone in his sadness, which isn’t optimal, but I think that they quite literally like him and his family too much to fuck with him on that level. They’ll punish him eventually, but their attempts to cheer him up so far have actually had some results. He isn’t trying to kill anyone anymore, and he’s happy enough with his family with Vegetta and Foolish and Leo (all the Federation’s favorites) and then with Jaiden (Cucurucho’s favorite) and then with Cellbit and Richarlyson (we all know how much the Feds love their favorite employee.) He’s domesticated (outside of his new bombing obsession), and that’s probably good enough for the Federation.

After all, the saddest people are oftentimes the happiest.

#asks! #anon! #sorry I have thoughts as well #qsmp #qsmp meta

[94erz]

The emotional whiplash I am experiencing today like one moment I'm in deep thought over Hoseok and the next a new TXT cereal drops and I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes and I'm nearly pissing myself 'cause the fuck is this and why does it look so terrible?!

I love it.

#Sab talks #Kai and Beomgyu's do NOT look nearly as bad omg #this one is taking me out though it's so funny

[wetcatspellcaster]

I am eagerly Consuming An Honest Lie, which has bumped Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth to a beloved second place for the fic I'm most excited to read. Your dedication to that pale man's little funky brain, and his plotting and falling and confusion is blissfully stressful to me. I get it, and I do not get it at all times. I've never experienced that when reading before. The "EW, no don't say you love me" "but wait I kind of wanted you to" energy. Halsin's massive fucking tits. The whiplash of emotion between that line and where we ended. My dream of this is you release an annotated copy with little notes of either 1) what these blorbos are actually thinking/feeling or 2) what you were thinking when you wrote it. Also kudos on handling the anons flirting with you over your fic. Parasocial blah blah blah, but I feel like they're being utterly charmed and seduced by your creativity, vibes, and brain waves and that's kind of a bop.

Hi anon!!

Thank you for being so nice about An Honest Lie! I had a lot of apprehension/uncertainty about continuing A Bleeding Heart beyond early access even though people did request it in comments. Partly bc it's a fic that's quite close to my heart, but also early access is a much tighter narrative arc than full access lol. Full access is a lot of rambles, as you can already tell by the change in the chapter wordcounts. With all that to be anxious about behind the scenes, it's nice and heartwarming to know someone appreciates it. All in all, I like writing Astarion POV so it's nice to have that excuse again, even if he's 10 times more complicated than he used to be!

(Also Halsin has massive fucking tits. This is just facts. Even an asexual Astarion would recognise basic anatomy.) <- I'm afraid this is the kind of annotation you would receive, I do not know if this truly elaborates or improves upon the fanfic experience, my brain is not a very complicated place. A lot of the blorbos' thoughts are either 'anxiety4anxiety' or 'Insight roll: 2'. A lot of my thoughts are along the lines of 'have you spent three sentences describing someone's anxiety spiral AGAIN, *Miranda Priestly voice* Groundbreaking' or 'fuck, what bodyparts touch in this kiss to make it different from the last kiss???'

As to the final part of your message, 1. I'm fascinated by the concept that anyone could have a parasocial relationship with me, I'm literally Just Some Guy. 2. Listen, I don't get flirted with very often, so if writing emotionally stunted vampire twinks is what finally gets me bitches, then thank god, for I have few other skills. 3. My charisma modifier is negative IRL, so a little spice that I can take 3-5 business days to process is actually an ideal format for me. Like a letter in an Austen novel.

(unfortunately for you, I'm replying today bc I'm trying to clear my inbox before I travel 😊)

#asks #anons #lovely words from lovely people #wip: an honest lie #(this is the ask that finally gives an honest lie a tag!! how lovely <3 )

[hope-ur-ok]

Hope you had the best time at the concert! Are you experiencing whiplash going from your show last night to 1989 TV today?

I had so much fun at the concert, they played all but one of my favorite songs from their first 2 albums (rip Contagious, I would have loved to hear you live and scream the words). I may have cried multiple times (I absolutely did) cause it was so wonderful to have been there

Weirdly enough I'm not actually experiencing much whiplash, I think because of all the nostalgia both bring. Like yes they are both for different parts of my life but the emotions I get from listening to Love Drunk and 1989 are the same. Both albums are ones that were blasted in the car with Lils, that we would sing along to in the backseat, the only differences being how old we were and who turned the music on.

#the turtle gets asks

[yuzu-all-the-way]

Prologue Hachinohe Day 3 (live broadcast) - impressions

It's been more than 12 hours and I thought it's time I write down my thoughts and feeling about the last day of Prologue - both an ending and beginning.

Generally, Prologue was definitely a success and it surpassed my expectation by far. I never doubted Yuzuru and he delivered. This time, knowing what to expect in terms of emotional damage, I was not as phased by the video edits, but, inevitably, I teared up during SEIMEI, screamed during Change, Otonal and Etude - after a short respite when he talked and I was desperately trying to understand (and obviously failing) why he was talking about SEIMEI, quad jumps and triple Axels - back to tearing up through R&J 1.0, screaming and feeling great during A Fleeting Dream, and finally, tearing up again during Haru, Yo Koi. Emotional rollercoaster is an understatement.

(Sorry for the long sentence, but there really was no breather during Prologue, so neither is one here.)

It felt like he had much more energy than in Yokohama Day 2 and I appreciated that he paced himself enough that Yuzuru was able to complete the ice show clean! I genuinely don't know when about 2 hours passed - I was so engrossed into the show that I simply did not acknowledge anything else, just Yuzu skating... and talking ... and wearing a hoodie ... and laughing... and skating ... skating ...

Truly, best experience ever - the only thing that can top it is to see him live in a freezing arena.

I'm too lazy to add photos here, I already put together the majority of which I found in the Prologue Hachinohe MasterPost.

Anyhow, the show itself was not surprising, it was simply engaging and worthwhile - I was happy to not be overly emotional. But theeeen...

Parisienne Walkways, but like, extreme Hoochie Coochie Man mode was, as it happened in Yokohama, a hard whiplash, yet it got dethroned by the BIGGEST whiplash the Yuzu's fans ever experienced (at least, from the general reactions, it seems like it).

A short From Russia with Love encore, small Yuzu on screen and big Yuzu on the ice, lights out, then a video... 26.02.2023... Ice Story, GIFT.

Yeah, that was definitely the surprise of the year (my year starts with 19th July, I guess). Nothing could've prepared us for the major news about ANOTHER one-man ice show EXCLUSIVELY for one-night at the Tokyo Dome. Yuzu's life feels like a movie and we are the audience who can never guess the plot twists.

Because of this exciting news, I don't even feel sad that Prologue has ended. I'm normal - because I know we'll see him in 2 months and there's no longer that pressing question "What next?" because we already have the answer.

Yes, Prologue was the perfect beginning for Yuzu's pro career, it also proved that he is a mastermind and capable of engaging hundreds of thousands of people around the world for 2 hours (or more) straight (the stream I was on had about 60K people watching and I bet there were many more watching through other means).

I have to give it to Asahi TV, they gave us performances from previous days, too - we still want the full show, or, at least, I do, but this is a good start. I never imagined I'd love seeing Yuzuru skate again to Somebody to Love nor that I'd watch the Mission Impossible skate on repeat because... he's just so cool (biased, I am).

Otonal, seeing it twice (I think it was from today's broadcast the 2nd time around, too) healed my tiredness and made me so energetic. Definitely my favourite Yuzu SP.

Now, onto waiting for GIFT and for Yuzu to update his YT channel.

#long post #yuzuru hanyu #prologue #prologue hachinohe #hachinohe day 3 #thoughts #impressions

[mm3n2]

12/15

Ian-

How do I know you won’t hold this over me?

i don't

You should know that even though it wasn’t intentional it was still manipulative. You should know that’s how it feels

does he already know that's how it feels? maybe i should drive it home

How do I know you won’t do it (manipulate me) again?

i don't. he probably will, unintentionally, if you know him. it's up to you to call it like you see it

Let’s say I do go away for a year. Could you take it? Does that matter today, tomorrow, up until it happens? If it happens?

that's a bridge that gets crossed later

Do you know that flirting with me cheapens the emotional impact of what you say?

does this need to be said? yes. does this need to be said by me? yes. does this need to be said by me right now? no

“I’m calling you because I want you to know how I feel.” Is that your way of saying you want to be back together?

it would appear so

What does "intentionality" look like to you?

Michael-

Are you ready to address past sexual traumas and be honest with Ian about them?

maybe not now but i know i will need to be very soon. i know i will have to open up and be very vocal during sex about what feels good and what doesn't. i have to put myself first.

Are you open to acknowledging the role that money and access to luxury plays in your considerations?

I wish it didn't. but it does. I feel i am so easily swayed by this allure. and I'm very aware of it. I'm not sure if it's something I can change and hopefully it's enough to simply be aware of it

Are you letting nostalgia cloud your judgment?

i was. i don't know if i am anymore

Why did you turn cold and frigid towards the end? Are you ready to admit why and be very upfront with Ian about it?

Something happened during sex that hurt. I don't like being fingered ultimately. I have to say that. I have to be upfront. It ruined my sex drive. I don't know if I have the ick though. I will need to see.

Is being manipulated in this way a bad thing necessarily?

it certainly isn't good. I need to be aware of it, which i am so far, and I have my friends to keep me accountable to an extent

Is fear getting in the way of recommitment? Fear of sexual intimacy and being open about your needs?

it would appear so.

Are you going to let all this back and forth cloud your judgment going forward? If it’s not working will that be obscured by this effort being put into the relationship?

i don't know if i have the answer for that right now.

why did things seem so cut and dry and simple yesterday and then today not so much?

being in the same room brought up all these old (not that old) emotions, and connecting in a personal way felt warm and sad. with distance I feel frustrated with the emotional whiplash. I spent two weeks pretty resolutely trying to get over it and move on and now I feel back at square one- confused and turned around

what do you like about ian?

i like the stuff and the access, sure. but I also like the time spent together. i like the farmers market. i like the sitting on the couch. i like the talking. i like the learning. I like the confidence with which he imbues every decision he makes. i like the sense of humor. i like the no nonsense. he's tall and kind and amazing with people.

what scares you about ian?

he's in such a different place in his life. his friends are too. i don't know if i can fit in with them. i don't know if we will have stuff in common. what if i can't reciprocate in the same way this time around?

what if you can't reciprocate in the same way this time around?

then i can't. and we go from there. and i search to find the openness i experienced before.

[auspicetaker]

hi tumlr

my queue ran out and i’ve been too busy playing TotK to update it. i’ve been doing some personal writing today that’s probably not interesting to anyone else, but i’m putting it under the cut if you’re interested in reading me complaining about all my life problems and not doing anything to solve them.

5/31/2023

What’s my problem? Well…

… I’ve been bleeding continuously for months, maybe years. I’ve lost track. I’m on hormonal birth control to manage my brutal PMS symptoms (debilitating cramps, migraines so bad I can’t stand up, hellacious mood swings) but now I’m just on a low-grade period forever. Not sure what’s worse - the whiplash of the highs and lows of the natural cycle, or being stuck somewhere in the cycle eternally, not up or down, just blood and tissue leaking out of me day in and day out for months and months on end.

… I’ve been wishing to get on T for some time now. I want the facial and body hair, the husky voice, increased muscle mass, new stinky boy smells, a roughening of my too-delicate facial features. However, getting gender-affirming healthcare, even in a trans-friendly blue state like mine, is no small undertaking. Everywhere I’ve called is either not accepting new patients or has a prohibitively long waitlist. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few months, but since he’s just a straight-world endocrinologist, not someone specialized in these things, I am extremely apprehensive he’ll just shut me down. It’s happened before. The T feels like a new avenue to pursue to deal with my endless, miserable bleeding, some different exogenous hormones instead of the estrogen I’ve been taking. It feels like a small glimmer of hope, so obviously I am already prepared to never get it, to have it be taken away if I do get it, or for it to not work out like I imagined. 

… My job is falling apart at the seams. My colleague who was my greatest support was taken away from me about a month ago, unceremoniously laid off due to financial issues (concerning) and I’ve been floundering ever since. I made so much progress with my self-loathing and avoidance around work stuff, and it feels like I’ve taken eight steps back. No, not even that I took the eight steps myself, it’s like I was picked up by a giant claw and thrown all the way back to a more dysfunctional self. I had something good going, it felt tolerable, and now I am floundering, trapped with my stupid boss on his sinking ship. 

… I need to work on my resumé, apply to other stuff. I have always hated job hunting. It is a particularly odious form of the sort of normal-person lying and deception that is necessary for survival in our society. Creating a version of myself that’s palatable to prospective employers, then scraping, bowing, and doing little dances to try and get their approval or consideration… it makes me sick. Part of what was so great about getting this job was that I don’t even think I ever gave my boss a resumé. He already knew me and I was able to just use that goodwill and prior record to pirouette into this current role. Which in retrospect may have been kind of a red flag.

… My mental health has taken a bit of a nosedive in these past few months. Part of it is that I’m tapering off of the antidepressants that I’d been taking for my entire adult life. I was doing okay, but there’s been a few stumbling blocks in a row and things are tough, now. Things I thought I was doing better with (self harm and suicidal ideation) are back in a big way. I’ve accepted that I’ll struggle for a while, maybe forever, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for the return of my full range of emotions. Long-term SSRI use leaves you in a state of not-depression but also not-happiness. You don’t experience pleasure so much as you experience the absence of pain. For me, at least, I also experienced a profound dulling of what little creative impulses I had. On that front, tapering down SSRI’s has been revelatory - I feel like I’ve unlocked a long-buried self who desires to write and make art, who has aesthetic visions and preferences. I’m collaging again, making art in my journal, learning to make digital art on a tablet, creating wall collages in my room. It doesn’t feel like something new, it feels like something very old that I lost and am finally returning to. All this to say that I’ll take an uptick in my brain screaming for blood and death (god knows I experienced that already on my full dose of SSRI’s) to get a shred of that old self back, to feel the joy and thrill of creation again. 

… Speaking of aesthetics, I’m so fucking sick and tired of all my clothes. I want something new but I don’t know exactly what. I’m tired of the black-and-green color scheme I’ve been rocking for the past 5 years. I’m tired of the skinny leg silhouettes and the too-small band tees. Again, I don’t know what I’d replace this all with. Shopping takes time and money, and I have little of either. In-person shopping is a sensorily draining and overwhelming experience, and online shopping leaves me either paralyzed with indecision or, worse, pulling the trigger impulsively and then wracked with regret. I have made a few stabs here and there towards a new personal aesthetic, getting colorful, oversized new button-down shirts, for example, but it’s slow going, and in the meantime I’m left with what I already have. And I’m so, so sick of it all.

… My house and my room are in a state of flux. My roommate is moving out, and my girlfriend is moving in. I’m sad to leave my roommate (nine years cohabitating!), apprehensive of change, but mostly excited. It’ll be incredible to have my girlfriend by my side all the time. That’s a dream. There are many, many nasty and frustrating corners of my room I keep saying I’ll deal with, and the clock is running out. My closet is a mess, my storage areas are inefficient and cluttered, and I simply cannot seem to get it together enough to do anything about any of it. Additionally, I decided I’d redo the peeling bathroom paint myself, even though we’re renting and it should be my landlord’s job, and it’s taking forever. I have very limited time and resources to deal with the many stages of scraping, stripping, sanding, spackling, priming, and repainting. The bathroom is currently in the “scraped and stripped” stage, but not yet in the “sanded, spackled, primed, and painted” stage, and it looks absolutely terrible. I feel stupid, panicked, overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’ve painted myself (ha ha)  into a corner and I just have to keep going, despite the fact that I never want to look at the fucking bathroom ever again, at this point. 

… There are other things that are necessary to my survival and health that I’ve been avoiding dealing with, or just haven’t had the resources to deal with. I’ve needed new glasses for months now but can’t seem to make myself do anything about it. It takes a Herculean effort just to go to work, cook food, do the dishes, and do my laundry, so higher-level tasks like “writing a resume” or “shopping for new jeans” or “making a necessary medical appointment” just keep getting pushed off for later. And later never comes. 

[anotherspookyarchivist]

I absolutely love the soundscaping of Re:Dracula. It really is amazing! Every episode had me immersed... However, I can’t unhear the tension soundtrack that plays during “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” during today’s episode. Though, the emotional whiplash I experienced only added to Dracula’s exclamations in my opinion. I certainly felt the tension. 

#re: dracula #dracula daily #I love this podcast #I just couldn't unhear it #I'm not even sure if it is that similar #but it was an immediate association #i apologise for this

[beachy--head]

Prompt:

Something about the night or maybe the next day that april comes back home in season 11 (before leaving again🤦🏻‍♀)

After THAT amazing hug i need more.

Ugh, that hug <3

___

He's not someone who believes in destiny, in phrases like "it's meant to be", in what he always saw as an inescapable fatality.

He's experienced a whiplash of emotions today. He woke up fearing he would never see his wife again, not knowing where she was, how she was, if she was. When he'd seen her standing in the hospital's lobby, he was pretty sure he had finally snapped and was hallucinating her, because he missed her so much and he wouldn't have put it past his deprived brain to dream up a version of his wife, safe and back in Seattle.

But then she was in his arms, where he hopefully could keep her safe, and he'd spent minutes, hours, maybe days breathing her in, she's here, she's safe playing on a loop in his brain like a mantra. He had to make a conscious effort not to crush her, not to melt into her. He doesn't know how long they stood there, but she showed no signs of wanting to let him go, and that was perfectly fine with him. They eventually had to go home, to their home (that only feels like a home when she's there with him), and as he was driving, his hand kept finding a way to touch her, as if to make sure she was really there.

He's not someone who believes in destiny, but as they are lying in bed, wrapped in one another, not a single inch of space between them, he's convinced that it's absolutely where he's meant to be, and if he were religious, he would send a quick prayer to the god he doesn't believe in to thank him for keeping her safe and for bringing her back in his arms, where she belongs.

They don't sleep, high on adrenaline. They talk, and then they don't. She shows him how much she missed him. He shows her that, if possible, he missed her way more. They whisper, they cry a little, and during all of it, there's not a minute when they don't touch, where their hands are not mapping each other. Her body is as familiar as ever, but also foreign, and he makes sure to show her he still loves everything about her, every corner, every dark secret. He doesn't know if it'll be enough, if his wife is really back, if she finally found what she was looking for on the other side of the world, but she's here for now, in his arms, and that has to be enough.

#drabble #japril #april kepner #jackson avery #ask

[eowyntheavenger]

This was simultaneously a HORRIBLE day and also the best day I’ve had in MONTHS. I am experiencing so much emotional whiplash right now. Sorry but I have to vent, and this will be sort of long.

First of all, this morning I went to my apartment to see the damage from the flood. I had left on Tuesday to take care of my mom, and a pipe broke in the building on Wednesday and so obviously no one was in the apartment to notice. Literally the worst timing ever, because if I had been at home then I would have seen it and called someone right away, but instead the water just kept flowing and flowing and ended up damaging the floor. We still don’t know how bad the damage is yet because it hasn’t fully dried out. We also don’t know why a pipe broke, but it’s a very old building. They’re expecting repairs to last at least a month, during which time I obviously can’t live there.

I was expecting to see damaged furniture and the floor all messed up - the wood floor actually looked fine (although it may still crack when it dries fully and contracts) but they did have to rip up the kitchen floor because it’s some kind of vinyl and water got under it and it can’t dry out. And my furniture is fine - I saw no water damage to chair/table legs - so better than I was expecting. 

But then there was something much, much worse than I was expecting, and I am LITERALLY SO UPSET. Because the thing is, even if there had been water damage to furniture, that would have been bad, but objects can be fixed or replaced. You know what can’t be fixed or replaced? My plants.

I have four ferns of various sizes and a Juniper bonsai that is extremely important to me. I love all of my plants, but I have had the bonsai the longest - for three years. It turns thirteen years old in the fall and it is exceptionally beautiful and special and I love it like most people love their pets. If I had to lose all my belongings, the bonsai is the ONE thing I would save. 

The repair crew who came to deal with the water damage had set up heaters to help dry out the floor. The problem is... they aimed one of these giant heaters straight at my bonsai. They also took one of my ferns out of its outer pot and smashed it up against the bonsai, bending their branches and leaves and potentially harming both of them. 

Who aims a HEATER at a PLANT? WHO THINKS THAT’S OKAY? I am LITERALLY SO MAD! It’s a living creature! You can’t do that! It is so bad for the soil of the bonsai to be completely dried out, and that’s exactly what happened! I have never seen it so dry, because I’ve never let it GET that dry! If the bonsai experiences drastic changes in temperature it can become stressed and it could potentially die. If this was too stressful it could literally DIE BECAUSE OF THIS. I AM SO UPSET. I took my plants from the apartment and packed them into the car and I literally couldn’t stop crying. I can’t lose my bonsai. And there’s nothing I can do to fix this other than give it water and try to keep it in a stable environment from now on. But there’s nothing I can do to reverse the stress it’s been under.

I couldn’t come to the apartment yesterday (the first full day of repair work) and I was told by the building manager that they were being careful with my belongings... that was obviously not true. I was also told that they had brought “fans” into the apartment, not heaters, and I certainly didn’t think they’d aim one right at my tree.

And to be clear, the overall temperature in the apartment was not that high when I went in today. If the bonsai hadn’t been so close to the damn heater, and right in its path, it would have been fine! And I understand that they had to move the plants away from the window in order to open it and help the apartment dry out, but why not move the bonsai COMPLETELY OUT OF THE WAY? And WHY remove the fern from its outer pot? And why cram them next to each other and bend their branches when there is literally so much space on the table? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS OKAY? 

I have a small asparagus fern that was on my coffee table, and someone had actually moved it onto a higher chest of drawers near the wall, presumably because it was out of the way there. So why didn’t they move my bonsai and my other plants out of the way like this too? Like...SOMEONE moved ONE of my plants to safety. And just let a heater cook the other ones. 

I took me like an hour to drive to my mom’s and I just felt more and more upset and then I had to water my plants and find a good place for them at my mom’s house, which was not easy because she has cats and now I have to protect my plants from them (I love my cats but they would destroy my plants without a second thought). Also some of my plants are toxic to cats (if eaten) which is why I never brought them to my mom’s in the first place! The solution for now is to put the plants in the guest room and keep the door closed all the time.

And then there were a few hours where I had to talk to my landlord and the building manager about what’s happening next - someone is assessing the damage on Monday so then I may have a clearer idea of how long repairs will last. And my landlord is returning this month’s rent to me, so that’s good (because I’m not able to live there so I won’t be paying rent until I return).

I also told the building manager I was not happy to find that my plants had been damaged by the repair crew and she was SO DISMISSIVE ABOUT IT. She literally interrupted me and was like, “Well, you know, other people in the building have had worse water damage than you, so...” Like okay but I’m not talking about water damage! I’m talking about the damage that people did! I’m fairly sure that a rational human being should have been able to figure out that it’s a bad idea to point a GIANT FUCKING HEATER at a SMALL TREE in a CERAMIC POT. I am literally so mad. And then the building manager was like, “Well then you should have been there to take care of your plants.” I was taking care of my mom who has a BROKEN ANKLE AND IS IN A WHEELCHAIR! And I shouldn’t have to protect my own belongings from a repair crew who enter my apartment! I shouldn’t have to tell them not to do this stuff!

And then at the end of the day I got a phone call from my LITERAL DREAM JOB and they told me that they’d like to extend me an offer and I was like DYING OF HAPPINESS as the woman on the phone rattled off all the benefits (like I needed to be convinced?) and I literally can’t believe this but IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED because get this: they’re offering me a more senior position than the one I applied for with a salary SIGNIFICANTLY higher than the max salary listed in the job ad! It’s like they promoted me before even hiring me!!!!! I can’t believe this!!!!!!!!! I am literally overjoyed and I can’t wait to start working there - I will start on June 21st - and this is the end of a job hunt that has lasted one full year!!!!!!!!! GOODBYE to the stress of job hunting! HELLO to financial security! HELLO to working at a job I love in THE EXACT field I want to work in (which is very hard to find jobs in). YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah. Emotional whiplash. At least I ended the day on a high note.

#personal #needed to rant :( #I know this probably seems unhinged - but I really love my plants - #and having my apartment flooded and ruined and then ALSO seeing that they had endangered my plants #was the final straw