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frankendykes-monster · 1 year

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Halloween 2022 Countdown Ranked

59. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

58. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

57. Curse of The Swamp Creature (1968)

56. Monster From The Ocean Floor (1954)

55. Billy the Kid versus Dracula (1966)

54. Teenage Cave Man (1958)

53. Lost Continent (1951)

52. Attack of The Killer B-Movies (1995)

51. Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

50. Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966)

49. Full Moon High (1981)

48. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

47. The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

46. The Invisible Man’s Revenge (1944)

45. The Invisible Woman (1940)

44. Anthropophagous (1980)

43. The Slime People (1963)

42. Casper’s Halloween Special (1979)

41. The Crawling Hand (1963)

40. Scream (2022)

39. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

38. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

37. Invisible Agent (1942)

36. The Descent (2005)

35. Eegah (1962)

34. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)

33. The Midnight Hour (1985)

32. Ringu (1998)

31. Halloween is Grinch Night (1977)

30. Attack of The Giant Leeches (1959)

29. Monster Mash (2000)

28. Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006)

27. The Man From Planet X (1951)

26. Child’s Play 3 (1991)

25. Hansel and Gretel (1983)

24. Cat-Women of The Moon (1953)

23. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

22. The She-Creature (1956)

21. The Terror (1963)

20. The Exorcist (1973)

19. The Navy vs. The Night Monsters (1966)

18. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

17. The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t (1979)

16. Hobgoblins (1988)

15. Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

14. The Abomination (1986)

13. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

12. Lake Mungo (2008)

11. Day of The Animals (1977)

10. Atom Age Vampire (1960)

9. The Mad, Mad, Mad Monsters (1972)

8. Night of The Blood Beast (1958)

7. Child’s Play 2 (1990)

6. The Crawling Eye (1958)

5. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

4. The Old Dark House (1932)

3. Child’s Play (1988)

2. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

1. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

God this was such a bottom-heavy marathon compared to last year, alright let’s get this shitshow started. I can’t believe I willingly put myself through some of this.

The 1950′s-1960′s science fiction extravaganza: Curse of The Swamp Creature is, I think, one of those TV remakes of 1950′s films starring monsters designed by Paul Blaisdell. This is one where I thought “okay should I give it credit for making me laugh in the first 30 seconds and then not once for the entire rest of the runtime?” The answer was no. Monster From The Ocean Floor is a dreary slog of a film, one of those cheap shits that only features the titular monster for all of 30 seconds while people just aimlessly do nothing for the entire runtime. Teenage Cave Man I only watched because the monster suit from this film was reused in Night of The Blood Beast, and otherwise it’s Ayn Rand wet dream of the freethinking teenager being magically smarter than everyone else on top of the offense of being a caveman movie with no dinosaurs. God, speaking of which, Lost Continent is another Lost World ripoff that’s decades behind the curve and who’s only saving grace is stop motion dinosaurs which magically improve any movie they star in. The Slime People is an oddity because the monster suits and concept are star studded but it just, I guess, doesn’t have the money to see through actually showing us slime people emerge from underground and completely take over Los Angeles. Weird and disappointing. The Crawling Hand has one of the best trailers for any monster movie I’ve seen complete with a slowed down version of “Surfin’ Bird” but aside from some humorous spouts of bad acting and the 100% out-of-nowhere gag ending, it’s nothing remarkable. Admittedly there has been a couple films about disembodied hands killing people and I can’t find the concept scary no matter what, sue me. Attack of The Giant Leeches is in decent/mid-tier territory, boosted by reusing music from Night of The Blood Beast (Roger Corman lives up to his cheap reputation) and genuinely gruesome scenes of the leeches’ human victims still being alive after progressively blood feedings, it mostly loses me for just not doing anything remarkable with its finale. The Man From Planet X is working with a pretty stock script but is boosted by how atmospheric its directing is, every shot is just littered with shadows or fog. Cat-Women of The Moon is definitely one of the more humorous genre outings I’ve seen of this type, living up to its title 100% other than I guess having long nails and sharp eyeliner making you a “cat” woman I guess. The She-Creature isn’t the best Paul Blaisdell monster movie I’ve seen but that’s expected given his work crops up in some really interesting ones, this one being a murder mystery involving both hypnosis and prehistoric evolutionary links somehow. The Navy vs. The Night Monsters is like a better version of The Thing From Another World what with an indeterminate number of US army guys having to deal with a monster(s) at their fort and their progressively more extreme methods of having to deal with it. Atom Age Vampire is one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a *while*, an Italian knockoff of Eyes Without A Face that hits all the same plot points just far more crudely and with a manster (man-monster) thrown in to boot. Watch the English edit for full effect. Night of The Blood Beast is one I was excited to revisit and it did not disappoint, being one of the definitive genre precursors to Alien (1979) and just an all-around shock to the senses in general with how isolated the cast can be and what they have to be put up against. The star of the show is The Crawling Eye however, a genuinely insane film that actually got under my skin with this viewing with the sound design, effects work, and some really gorey moments like flesh being desolved or multiple decapitations. As far as alien invasion films of the 1950′s go, this is definitely up there.

We have a pair of oddity western-horror mashups between, uh, actual people and fictional characters with Billy the Kid versus Dracula and Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter. Only thing of note with the former is that John Carradine reprises the role of Dracula after playing the character in House of Frankenstein (1944) and House of Dracula (1945). Carradine was one of the most prolific actors in the history of the medium so it’s not surprising to see him crop up here and there without expecting him, but suffice to say he brings nothing to the role and just blends in with the rest of the drab film. Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter gets extra points solely for featuring the creation of an awkward and haphazard Frankenstein monster, which is generally the only reason to seek out random odds-and-ends Frankenstein movies.

Full Moon High is another Larry Cohen film that looks good on paper but I don’t really find myself enjoying at all. As a comedy there are a decent number of funny lines (”I’m not one of those types to believe in vampires and werewolves and virgins, I’ve never seen any of those.“) but it almost forgets it’s a werewolf movie for a lot of the runtime as the main plot involves how being a werewolf prevents you from aging and blah blah blah I can’t be bothered to care when you present something I didn’t come here to see (1950′s football player returns to his school in the 1980′s to find it littered with violence and drug use). The Werewolf of Washington is similarly dreary experience that only exists to present lackluster post-Watergate political satire.

Oh how the mighty have fallen; I made an attempt at finishing out The Invisible Man series but couldn’t even bring myself to watch the dedicated Abbott/Costello film. Truly the worst Universal sequels barring whatever happened with The Mummy. The Invisible Woman and Invisible Agent are a full-on comedy and action-adventure film respectively, so in some way I feel cheated for how they’re consistently lumped in with the rest of the series as a whole, which are to say, horror (beyond not doing anything that hadn’t been shown to us in the first two installments). The Invisible Man’s Revenge makes an attempt at trying to get the series back on track but all it does is make me realize I could just be watching the first two films.

Anthropophagous has been one I’ve been curious about for years, mostly because the poster is a really gristly shot of a guy eating human entrails, and while I *guess* that does feature in this film it’s just another slog to get through with no interesting characters, locations, or plot beats to string you along. Avoid.

Scream 5 exists for no reason other than to drop the entire series’ GPA. It’s the entry wherein the genre commentary overshadows everything else to the detriment of this being the first Scream film where I can’t be bothered to care about any of the returning characters. I wrote extensively about this one in my Letterboxd review so I’m only going to touch on some finer points here. Scream (1996) is allowed to reference I Spit On Your Grave (1978) because the former is better, this one is not allowed to make snide remarks about The Witch (2015), I’m not having it. If you’re desperate for a creative shot to the arm that is a grand return after an 11 year absence, just watch Scream 4 (2011).

The Descent was borderline funny to me in the sense that my reaction to so much of what the characters are put through is “shit I would just die, what else is there to do?” I mentally tuned out when the film switched from “being trapped in a claustrophobic cave system with no sense of direction” to “being hunted by underground monsters.” I usually scoff and roll my eyes at “oh my god it’s scarier because it could actually happen” but this is rare case where, yeah, being trapped underground with no way out is more terrifying before you add monsters to the mix.

Alright, brief “worst of the worst” roundup: Eegah, in spite of being one of the most notable MST3K punching bags, is not *that* bad. It peters out by the finale but there are enough funny moments and actually good stuff (Eegah talking to the corpses of family members in a proto Texas Chainsaw scene) to string you along for the better part of an hour. The Terror is a fascinating film for me, made solely because Roger Corman finished The Raven (1963) two days early and still had access to Boris Karloff. What we get is a bizarre and haphazard jumbling of horror cliches in a story that is almost bursting at the seams over how overwritten it is, but the making of this one is so interesting to me personally that I can’t bring myself to dislike it, even if Jack Nicholson never was good at “charismatic leading man” type thing before he settled on crazy motherfuckers. Hobgoblins was one I was surprised over how hilarious it was, another convoluted mess you can’t help but laugh at. The hobgoblins hypnotize people to let them live out their greatest fantasies albeit with some horrific twist, giving us some golden scene like a guy going to makeout point with an imaginary woman so the hobgoblins can push the car over the edge. Lordy lordy lordy.

1970′s role call: Dracula vs. Frankenstein continues the trend of awkward and frustrating messes, this one originally being an unrelated horror film that later had the two characters thrown in mid-production. What ensues is an unusually violent at times boring at others movie that I can’t help but derive at least some ironic enjoyment from. The untimely tragedy of this film is that this was the last role for Lon Chaney Jr. Bela Lugosi got stuck with Ed Wood, Karloff with Corman, and Chaney Jr. with Al Adamson. Chaney Jr. could have been a great actor if it wasn’t for the horror typecasting and seeing play just another bumbling grunt in this is almost painful. See also: somehow this film is also the final role for J. Carrol Naish, who played Daniel in House of Frankenstein (1944). Odd. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death just blends in to the larger genre trends of leaning more towards provocative material what with explicit concerns of mental illness in our protagonist and questions of reality around her, but aside from the soundtrack this one has already completely left my memory. The Exorcist isn’t *quite* the most overrated horror film out there, but it does surprise me that is one of the ones that escaped into the mainstream; it’s mostly middling for the first hour of its runtime before becoming a decent enough demon story. I will say I can’t for the life of me find the devil scary in this, “your mother sucks cocks in hell!” will always be funny to me, they’re like a Freddy/Chucky joke dispensing precursor. The Town That Dreaded Sundown, hoo boy, had this one had a more consistent tone dodging the comedy relief, it could have been an all-time great from this decade with an entire town plunged into despair over unsuccessful efforts to apprehend an anonymous serial killer. This one goes all out when it comes to the more suspenseful moments, making the gags all the more frustrating. Day of The Animals narrowly edges out being just another part of the glut of killer animal films in the wake of Jaws (1975), by just having everything out to kill people. In spite of its inherent ridiculousness I can’t not say it’s better produced and more oppressively intimidating than it has any right to be, almost reminds me of a version of the environment itself is trying to kill you a la backrooms.

Ringu kind of sets in that the late-1990′s-early-2000′s period of J-horror just isn’t for me compared to the likes of films we saw in the 1960′s and 1970′s. They tend to bleed together in my mind and Ringu is disappointing in that way. I will say I was surprised that we get a satisfactory explanation for the origin of the tape and that only the final scene exhibits the famous “crawling out of the television” moment, which somehow became the most memorable thing from this one.

Bloodz vs. Wolvez I’m going to defend on the basis that this could have been a genuinely solid effort, what with the concept of bougie black vampires trying to integrate into human (read: white) society but working class black werewolves are stuck in poverty and this class disparity is the driver of the conflict between the two groups. What holds this back, and of all the films I watched for this season, this one pains me the most to say it’s only average, is the fact that this may be one of the lowest budget films I have ever seen. Everything is restrained by the fact that this must have been over consecutive weekends on $100. Holding out for a remake that does this one justice.

Brief 1930′s aside: I’ve never seen any adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde prior to this year so any amount of expectation or set ideas on what should be done with the story escape me. Suffice to say this is an impressive one overall, with a lot of POV shots and split screen effects that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a prior film. The 1931 film is another slow to start but when it gets going it unfolds into one of the most explosive finales to any 1930′s horror film (though admittedly I’m not sure what separates Mr. Hyde in this from your average London man but what have you). Oh yes, The Old Dark House. This is the ultimate “minimalist” horror film, using the absolute bare essentials it can to craft an uneasy atmosphere that dominates everything else. No supernatural phenomena, no body count, just extreme thunderstorms trapping everyone inside one dark house and them being forced to make it out with their minds intact. “This is an unlucky house, two of my children, died when they were 20, eh-he-he...” “Laughter and sin! Laughter and sin! This too will rot!”

Die, Monster, Die! is the rare pre-1980′s Lovecraft adaptation, very loosely taking from The Colour From Outer Space, and comes together thanks to starring roles by Karloff and Nick Adams along with going into some unusual territory concerning mutations that befit the subject matter. Slow to start but strong finish.

The Abomination is another one of those pushing-for-the-edge 1980′s obscurities that mostly exists to up the gore to previously unseen levels, and I can’t say it wasn’t successful, with practically an entire house being converted into an eldritch monstrosity that eats people piece by piece. It’s frankly disgusting at times but if you’re on the search for more of these have at it.

Out of all the bizarre mishmash that is the group of films that I decided to watch this year, Lake Mungo is the biggest outlier to the group. I’m not sure if I’d classify it as horror, it’s a piece of weird fiction that seems to escape genre. Unlike, it seems, pretty much everyone else, this one doesn’t really scare me at all, but I can’t help but be fascinated as the narrative ebbs back and forth in an emotional cacophony that leads to gut punches. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, it could have gone anywhere in the ranking and I wouldn’t be wholly satisfied with its position, but I guess that’s why you can’t truly assign a number value to art.

I made an effort to try and make it through as many actual Halloween specials as I could this year in between the feature lengths. Attack of The Killer B-Movies sees Elvira and a bunch of teenage schmucks watch several low-tier 1950′s science fiction films that have been colorized, cut for time, and with new soundtracks, with MST3K gags strewn in between. It somehow makes these films worse, which is a monumental accomplishment in cases like with Monster From Green Hell (1957). Avoid unless you and some pals have to see everything Elvira. I’m not familiar with anything related to Casper prior to the 1995 film and the seemingly deluge of material featuring the character for the following decade, and Casper’s Halloween Special didn’t do anything to convince me to rectify that, blah. The Midnight Hour is one I was disappointed to return to, not nearly as insane as I recall it being. Functionally a proto-Hocus Pocus (1993) wherein a witch returns from the dead to curse an entire town, The Midnight Hour wants to be a zombie film, a party film, a romance, and about two other things but doesn’t meet the manic energy required to pull it off. An absolute must see is the musical number riffing on “Thriller” in the middle of this one, “Get Dead.” “I’m dead, you’re dying, everyone should try and get dead!” Halloween is Grinch Night is a fascinating watch just being an unyielding onslaught of color and sound that doesn’t know what a quiet moment is, the oft mentioned “weird” Grinch scene makes perfect sense in context however, not sure what everyone was on about with that. Monster Mash is an adorable enough fist-shaking, involving Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and The Wolf Man being forced to assert that they’re still scary in spite of being sell-outs in a world of slashers. Best part is one of the monsters they’re up against is Freddy D. Spaghetti, who wears a pasta strainer in place of a hockey mask, love that dude. Hansel and Gretel is a retelling of the story by Tim Burton, and it makes for perfect background material at a party for its ambiance coming from the fact there are only like five characters existing on solid monochrome sets that have virtually no decorations. I’ve never cared for the story itself but the presentation here is hypnotizing. The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t is another cute and inoffensive one, with Dracula forced to call all the world’s monsters together to have a witch doing her scaring duties lest the holiday be cancelled all together. Ends on a disco party because it’s the 1970′s, fuck you. Nothing however can beat The Mad, Mad, Mad Monsters, a reprise/semi-sequel to Mad Monster Party? (1967), which I watched for last year’s countdown, and one that perfectly rights the wrongs of that misfire. The light plot concerns Dr. Frankenstein making a bride for the Monster and calling in the rest of the major terrors to come to the wedding, and it’s almost entirely a springboard for gags. The difference between this and Mad Monster Party? is that this is actually funny, whether it be the reining-in of some obvious Halloween gags (ha-ha the monsters want to eat roast black widows) or there being two human characters to counterbalance the monsters, one absolutely terrified of them and one who’s a major Universal fanboy. Just when you think the film is ending it turns 90 degrees into another direction with 10 more jokes on the way. “Oh I’ve made a terrible mistake, the bride is alternating current, and the groom is direct current!”

There isn't much going on in The Blair Witch Project so I can't comment on much, suffice to say this one has still got it, marketing campaign or no marketing campaign. Slowly becomes more and more claustrophobic until you get to that final shot of standing in the corner. It having been spoiled for me years prior doesn't at all change how effective it is in context.

Time constraints prohibited me from watching every Child’s Play film but I enjoyed my time with the first three entries. If anything surprised me about the first film it’s that it is a genuinely scary experience, the only one where Chucky is intimidating. The people saying that they could just drop kick him? Yeah, Chucky will fucking kill you. This is what A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) wishes it was. Child’s Play 2 does its services as a not-quite-as-good horror sequel but it’s strong continuity with the first and upping the stakes and scope make it a worthwhile watch. Child’s Play 3 is decent enough but can grow tiring over how much it forgets it’s a Child’s Play sequel and not a Full Metal Jacket (1987) parody. Too much of the run time is eaten up by shit that is inconsequential and yeah, not too bad compared to a LOT of slasher sequels but I can see where people are coming from when they say this is the weakest entry in the series.

If your body horror film doesn’t make me feel like the person having their flesh twisted, you failed. Industrial music. Stop motion editing. Semi-undead mechanical sex. Tetsuo: The Iron Man commands it all. If you turn your head for five seconds while watching this you will have missed the equivalency of a Lord of The Rings prequel’s volume of information and even then a lot of this indecipherable on every level. The beauty of practical effects is a lot of the time I genuinely couldn’t tell you how the effect is done, and Tetsuo does that seemingly every 10 minutes. I’ve come and gone with this film but make no mistake, everyone needs to see this. It will change you.

Alright, final stretch. There is no series in the history of film that has a wider gap in quality between entries as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Watching the majority of the series this year also ran the gamut of how good or how bad a movie in general can be. I did not rewatch 2 because I figured it would get better on a rewatch (I don’t care for it) and I didn’t bother with Leatherface (2017) because come on just look at it. Let’s begin: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III is relatively inoffensive, I’d say I prefer it to 2. It’s ostensibly a mainstream studio remake of the first film and while there are great scenes found within, it’s major drawback is that I can’t “buy” any of it. At no point do I believe these people are a group of mass murderers, they’re actors playing mass murderers. This is an issue plaguing the majority of the series but more money doesn’t mean you can effectively capture that feel. The Next Generation is the first of several abominations I had to sit through, featuring what might be the worst set of performances I’ve seen in any film. This is the one that reveals that the Sawyers are secretly working for the Illuminati as part of a massive fear spreading campaign and has an ending that resembles a Nirvana music video more than anything and makes me question everything that led up to committing to watching this, the less said the better. The 2003 remake is Leatherface, again, though it benefits from being the second entry in the series aside from the first to have some consistent aesthetic going. Can still be easily skipped. The Beginning is the first entry that devolves into pure torture porn, and doesn’t take any advantage of the fact that these characters can’t survive at the end, opting for just repeating bare slasher essentials except for killing off the final girl. Texas Chainsaw 3D opens with a montage of footage from the first film then hard pivots into a plot about the Swayers being murdered in mass by a vigilante mob and “the Sawyers didn’t deserve this!” No mention of the killing and cannibalism I guess as Leatherface, despite collecting a body count in this film alone, is turned into the good guy. “Do your thing cuz!” Just when you think things can’t get any worse, we are presented with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, no “The,” the new low bar for the series, if not the genre and maybe film as a whole. Make no mistake that this is easily one of the worst films I have ever seen, involving gen-Z gentrifiers trying to buy up a small town to make into an upscale getaway, but Leatherface is there and blah blah blah you could have called this film anything else and you know what would have happened? It would still be as bad but I wouldn’t have had to watch it, no one would have noticed it, no one would have to be as angry or anything because the only thing this has going for it is the connection to the first film. It’s like if the Star Wars prequels weren’t called “Star Wars” they’d be as easily forgotten as Jupiter Ascending (2015) or Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets (2017), where no one would have batted an eye, called them shit in a single breath and then easily forgotten about them without a second thought. Fuck this movie, fuck it for being another stain on the legacy of the original, fuck everyone that says “I just want to see stupid teenagers get killed,” fuck any defense of this.

Only thing that came of having to sit through these was another opportunity to rewatch the 1974 film. As soon as I had settled on this being up for viewing, the #1 spot was sealed. If someone were to say that this is the greatest horror film ever made, I don’t think I’d agree but at the same time I wouldn’t be able to put up a counter argument. I said a few days ago that I define horror as a genre by its presentation of violence, and this is a perfect example. The opening text crawl lets us know that even if this was a singular event, the resulting trauma and open wounds will be carried forever. The soundtrack itself is oppressive, camera shutters and industrial machinery in the place of actual music at times, the opening credits burned by footage of solar flares, the entire environment taking place in the blazing Texas sun with dried up water beds and radiators and dilapidated buildings. It’s one of the ultimate descents into hell that have ever been presented by any film, horror or not. Innocent people unknowingly walking to their doom, the discovery of seemingly endless amounts of human and animal remains and never putting the pieces together until it’s too late, the final survivor being forced to see how the meat we eat is made. “I just don’t take no pleasure in killing.” It’s been nearly 10 years since I first saw The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, this is one of the rare films that absolutely changed me, and while no subsequent viewing will have that same impact, I can’t not love it to the upmost extent that I can love any movie.

#long post #body horror

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sarkos · 2 years

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The Navy vs The Night Monsters

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buzzdixonwriter · 3 months

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Goosestep Through The Tulips With Me [FICTOID]

“There’s actually precedence for this,” said the colonel. “In 1637 the over production of tulips in Holland caused a precipitous crash in the price of tulips, threatening to destroy the speculator market that the country came to depend upon. The government ordered out the army to trample 90% of the tulips in the country in order to preserve the speculators’ fortunes.”

“We need you to destroy all these tulips,” said the scientist.

“Oh, we will, we will,” said the colonel. His men stood at ready, wearing night vision goggles.

“Funny, said the scientist, “but when I was a kid I used to watch monster movies. The monster was always a giant monster from outer space or the prehistoric past, or sometimes even an atomic mutant. But never…flowers.”

“What about The Day Of The Triffids?” the colonel asked. “Or Navy Vs. The Night Monsters?” He thought a bit. “I don’t suppose From Hell it Came would count, would it?”

“No, that was a tree stump, not a flower. And even in the other movies, the plants were monsters, moving, attacking. These…these are just tulips.”

“Not ‘just tulips’ if they render people unconscious.”

“There’s something about the form of the petals, the vein pattern among them, the subtle shading of color. By themselves or combined, they cause humans to falls asleep the moment they see them.”

“But not dogs or cats?”

“No. That’s why we think color may be crucial to the effect.”

“And it doesn’t affect humans who see it on a screen?”

“Depends on how high the screen resolution is. Nobody who looked at them on high def TV fell asleep, but several of us grew drowsy.”

“And the people the flowers put to sleep?”

“All recovered. They woke up once they sent in the rescue recovery robots to drag them to safety.”

“So what caused this?”

“As far as we can tell, just normal cross breeding of plants to produce a desirable effect. The horticulturist in charge of the project said she wanted to create a calming effect. I guess she succeeded too well.”

The sun started to dip below the horizon. “Right,” said the colonel. “Once it gets dark, I’ll lead my troops into the field and we’ll crush them -- literally -- underfoot. Our night vision goggles will protect us.”

They waited until the last glow of the sun disappeared and the valley below plunged into total darkness.

“Company!” the colonel shouted. “Attention! Forward -- march!”

And off they marched. When you think about it, the colonel mused, this is rather silly. At the very least we should be fighting big bugs.

Nonetheless, a threat is a threat, and the army prepared to deal with it.

#fictoid

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thejewofkansas · 1 year

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The Weekly Gravy: 2022

To keep the main page for Weekly Gravy posts from becoming unmanageably large, I’m putting all the posts that went up in 2021 – #s 71 through 119 – here: #71: The Tragedy of Macbeth (2021), Khartoum, Passing, Caterpillar (2010), Don’t Look Up #72: The Lost Daughter, Shiva Baby, Gone with the Pope #73: Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn, Drive My Car, The Navy vs. the Night Monsters, Peter…

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kaomera · 2 years

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Swiss Navy vs the Night Monsters

#idk #is this anything?

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mst3kproject · 3 years

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The Navy vs the Night Monsters

Of course, it’s not like bad things stop happening now that 2020 is finally over… we just get to start counting again from zero. Kind of like how I’ve started counting thirty-six Episodes that Never Were per year, beginning with this one. It was co-directed by Wyott Ordung from Robot Monster and features familiar faces like Russ Bender and Mamie Van Doren, the latter for once not playing a teenage delinquent. It also has one really obscure MST3K connection: it was based on a story by Murray Leinster, which the sharp-eyed will remember as the name of the ship attacked by Evil Count Zarth Arn’s lava lamp weapon at the beginning of Starcrash!

A plane carrying specimens of Antarctic flora and fauna makes a rather rough and unexpected landing at a naval base on remote Gow Island in the south Pacific. There appears to be nobody on board except the pilot and a few penguins – the former is in a catatonic state, and the latter are... well, penguins... so what happened to the rest of the passengers and crew is a complete mystery. Did the pilot go mad and kill them? Did the penguins? Or did it have something to do with those mysterious ancient trees discovered growing around a geothermal spring in the heart of the frozen continent?

The first ten minutes of this movie are spent trying to be a comedy. Before we get anywhere near the plot, we first have to listen to the guys on the plane try to be funny about their lunch and their tastes in women. Then on the island, we watch a guy who can’t seem to figure out how to inflate a balloon, followed by a dude talking to his dog, and then a really icky bit where two women convince a man he had sex with both of them, which he buys because he was too drunk to remember. Only then do we finally establish what’s actually going on. The impression one gets from this beginning is that The Navy vs the Night Monsters is going to be peopled entirely by Jackass Comic Relief characters, and I actually turned the film off and sat on it for a couple of days to psych myself up to watch the rest.

When I finally turned it back on, to my relief the movie turned out not to be quite that bad, but it’s still pretty damned bad. The dull and unfunny opening is followed by an abrupt shift of tone, as a man maddened by terror jumps from the plane to his death! The only thing set up by the opening that turns out to be relevant is Spaulding the meteorologist’s crush on Nora the nurse, when she’s in love with the base’s second in command, Lieutenant Brown.

I complain frequently about useless love triangles in movies. This one is very useless, and all the more so because the script totally forgets to resolve it. Spaulding hates Gow Island but stays because he’s in love with Nora – he wants her to go back to Miami with him and marry him. When he puts this idea to her, however, it becomes obvious that Nora can’t stand him, and it’s clear enough why: Spaulding is an asshole and he treats Nora not as a partner but as a possession. Never does he show any sort of tenderness towards her. Every time they speak to each other, he seems to end up shouting, and his jealousy of Brown repeatedly leads to violence.

Brown, on the other hand, treats Nora with respect and actually shows vulnerability around her. He’s been left in charge while the base’s commander is on the mainland attending an important meeting, and he’s really feeling the pressure as the base is surrounded by tree monsters in the dark. He talks about his anxiety and Nora comforts him, and the audience rolls their eyes because it’s perfectly obvious which of these guys she’s going to pick. And sure enough, at the end she’s in Brown’s arms… but nothing about the whole situation is exactly resolved.

Brown and Spaulding did get in a fist fight, though it wasn’t explicitly over Nora, but nobody ever talks about the problem. Spaulding never realizes that he’s treated Nora badly, and it never seems to even occur to him that she might prefer Brown over him, or even that she has emotions or preferences at all. He definitely never seems to understand that he’s lost. Brown and Nora seem to feel a need to hide their love affair from the other base staff, but we’re never given a reason why (although I guess ‘Spaulding’s a dick’ is reason enough). Nora never tells Spaulding that she prefers Brown… maybe she’s afraid he’ll assault her? I hate everything about this situation, but nothing more than the fact that as the movie progresses we get hints that Nora may be warming up to Spaulding, as if she’s supposed to consider these two guys equal contenders for her affections! Fuck everybody who wrote this, seriously.

It’s kind of sad to see Mamie Van Doren in a role like this after meeting her in things like Untamed Youth and Girls Town. Those movies were gross and exploitative, but Mamie’s characters were central to their plots and she filled those shoes reasonably well. She wasn’t Oscar material but for what the films were, she was enough to carry them. The Navy vs the Night Monsters is a little closer to being a ‘real movie’, but in this respect it represents a step down for her, as she is relegated to being something for two men to fight over. Furthermore, Silver from Girls Town and Penny from Untamed Youth were both characters who required some range – Nora the nurse mainly spends the whole movie being annoyed with the men in her life. Van Doren could have done much more if anyone had bothered asking it of her.

Let’s see… what else do I hate about this movie? I hate Private Chandler, the guy who stays a Jackass Comic Relief character once that opening is over. Shockingly, The Navy vs the Night Monsters actually kills him off, but he’s not nearly as annoying as Dropo or the guy from Outlaw, so his death merely feels mean rather than having any entertainment value. The guy was just about to actually get laid by one of the women who’d made fun of him earlier – though she, like Spaulding, showed no sign of being sorry for past jerkitude.

I hate the monsters. Normally I have a soft spot for plant monsters. They’re a cliché in their own way, I guess, but they’re a fun idea. The ones in The Navy vs the Night Monsters kill and digest people with acidic sap, and a character theorizes about how and why such a thing would evolve, which is cool. The execution, however, sucks. While the poster for the film shows us a humanoid Treebeard-looking thing, the actual monsters in the film are dumb-looking stumps that waddle along like a couple of guys trying to move a piece of furniture corner-by-corner because it’s too heavy to lift. The result reminds me of The Creeping Terror, in that you have to want to get eaten by these things. At one point a guy walks right up to one, inspects it, and escapes its clutches merely by backing away slowly!

The trees reproduce using insect-like larvae that are, themselves, lethally venomous. This is also a neat idea which is, once again, ruined by the execution. The tiny ones are being pulled along the floor by a sometimes-visible string, and then they grow into stumps that look like they should be stools around a boy scout campfire, which move even slower than the adult trees! There’s a scene where the characters are holed up in the base under an onslaught of these, with planes arriving to napalm them just in time, and it is ludicrous in its attempt to feel threatening.

I do like that Gow Island is a bleak middle-of-nowhere rather than a tropical paradise. The landscapes kind of remind me of the Falkland Islands, though the weather on Gow is evidently better. You can see why some of the characters hate it here, surrounded by barren scrub inhabited mostly by ten thousand smelly, raucous seabirds. Unfortunately this backdrop makes the ‘comedy’ opening seem even more out of place, though it’s also kind of nice that they didn’t give us any stereotyped ‘natives’ as either comedy or monster fodder.

As for a theme… well, The Navy vs the Night Monsters is clearly about an invasive species. The biologist, in suggesting how the tree monsters evolved, points out that they are suited to the hostile environment of Antarctica in ways that make them nearly unstoppable anywhere else. We’re told that they devoured all the penguins the scientists were bringing back for study, and as well as eating the people, they wreak havoc among the Gow Island seabirds and reproduce out of control. The parallels to things like cane toads in Australia, or housecats just about anywhere, are obvious.

This isn’t something the characters care about, though, even the ones who profess to be scientists. At the end, enough of the trees are destroyed that the humans can safely evacuate, and what happens after that is clearly Gow Island’s problem, not humanity’s. I really would have liked to see the script go into this a little more, but then, The Navy vs the Night Monsters is not a movie that wants to go into anything, even stuff it sets up in some detail.

At the end, The Navy vs the Night Monsters feels pretty half-assed. Somebody wanted to make a movie, and then put in the bare minimum effort possible to have all the parts present. They clearly understood how movies work, but they didn’t have the money and didn’t want to go to the trouble. The result is deeply mediocre. There’s a few laughs out of the dumb stump creatures, but mostly it’s just bad.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #the navy vs the night monsters #tw: abuse #humanitarian vegetables #60s

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siryl · 2 years

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This is the grand finale of the Spooky Art Marathon, the greatest Halloween-type content I’ve discovered since last October. Richard Svensson a.k.a. Loneanimator creates bold and colorful depictions of strange creatures from folklore and fiction. Here are his interpretations of monsters from ten obscure movies.

The Navy vs. the Night Monster

The Blood Beast Terror

Willow

Mazes and Monsters

The Mutations

The Monster That Challenged the World

Cat’s Eye

The Angry Red Planet

Matango

At the Earth’s Core

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movieposters1 · 3 years

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#navy vs the night monsters

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hellimagines · 3 years

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billy hargrove m.list

*=smut x=romantic pairing &=platonic/family pairing

One Shots

Not A Big Deal*

--best friend!billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: you and billy have been best friends for a while, but when he comes over unexpectedly, things change. ✦ warnings: smut, oral sex (male receiving), shower sex ✦ word count: 3,000+

Proof of Caring*

--billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: billy wants to prove to you how much he cares about you, and how much he’s changed. ✦ warnings: sexual content, oral sex (female receiving), injuries ✦ word count: 2,000+

Us*

--billy hargrove x fem!harrington!reader, brother!steve harrington & sister!reader ✦ summary: after finding out you’re pregnant, you have to tell the two most important people in your life, your brother and your boyfriend, who just so happen to hate one another. ✦ warnings: angst, pregnancy, smut, soft sex, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 2,000+

Worth My Time*

--billy hargrove x fem!wheeler!reader ✦ summary: when a certain blond interrupts your bath, it’s safe to say you’re a little mad. ✦ warnings: sexual content, groping, hints towards sex ✦ word count: 1,000+

Alright, Baby

--billy hargrove x thick!fem!reader ✦ summary: it’s a hot day in hawkins, and when a guy decides he likes what you’re wearing, things take a turn for the worse. ✦ warnings: attempted sexual assault, unsolicited sexual comments, unsolicited groping/touching, violence, injuries, angst, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Only You

--billy hargrove x fem!reader, best friend!steve harrington x unrequited!fem!reader ✦ summary: billy thinks you’re cheating on him with your best friend, steve. ✦ warnings: angst, cheating accusations, unrequited love, hurt with eventual comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Pop Tart

--billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: you and billy grow close after you move to hawkins, and after the two of you have a fight, feelings are finally revealed. ✦ warnings: slight angst, little hurt and lots of comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Paradise

--billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: after working as a lifeguard for three years, you’re pleased to see a new body joining your staff. ✦ warnings: flirting ✦ word count: 1,000+

Remember I’m Here For You

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: things haven’t been going so great for you lately, and your boyfriend has picked up on it. ✦ warnings: angst, depression, self-doubt, ptsd, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

I’ll Always Think Of You

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x male!reader ✦ summary: billy is powerless as he watches his worst nightmare come true. ✦ warnings: angst, violence, abuse, homophobia, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Marks*

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ fwb!billy hargrove x fwb!fem!reader ✦ summary: your arrangement with billy hargrove was strictly no-strings-attached, but everyone knows that never actually happens. ✦ warnings: fwb, smut, oral sex (female receiving), marking, angst, hurt&comfort, jealousy ✦ word count: 3,000+

Blurryface

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader, billy hargrove & max mayfield ✦ summary: billy wanted nothing more than to let you in, to let you know him. you were the only one who didn’t make him feel as though he was already gone. ✦ warnings: angst, mental illness, mentions of abuse, fighting, injuries, insecurities, hella hurt and hella comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Personal Bodyguard

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader, fem!reader & the party ✦ summary: you work at the local arcade, and your little gang of middle-school customers finds out who your personal bodyguard is. ✦ warnings: fluff, comedy, intimidation ✦ word count: 1,000+

Deserve

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader, best friend!jonathan byers & fem!reader ✦ summary: billy gets upset with how much time you spend with your best friend, jonathan. ✦ warnings: jealousy, insecurity, angst, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

De-escalate the Situation

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader, fem!reader & max mayfield ✦ summary: billy brings you along to help find his sister, and when his anger gets the best of him, you’re the only one capable of calming him down; but then the demodogs attack. ✦ warnings: fighting, violence, injuries, hints of abuse, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 2,000+

Number 28*

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: billy doesn’t like the way you watch number 28 run down the field. ✦ warnings: smut, rough sex, daddy kink, choking, spaking, orgasm denial, hints of dom/sub, oral sex (female&male receiving), degradation, praise, begging, aftercare, jealousy ✦ word count: 3,000+

Taking a Break*

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: billy helps you relax after some intense studying. ✦ warnings: stress, smut, gentle sex ✦ word count: 1000+

Re-Write (incomplete)

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader, platonic!steve harrington & fem!reader ✦ summary: you follow steve to help with dustin’s demogorgon issue, but billy shows up once you get to the byers. ✦ warnings: violence, shit-talking ✦ word count: 4,000+

Win or Lose

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: you find billy injured due to his dad once again, and your parents offer him a sanctuary. ✦ warnings: child abuse, injuries, angst, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Don’t Worry About It

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ best friend!billy hargrove x fem!reader, original male character x fem!reader ✦ summary: your boyfriend doesn’t like how close you and billy are, and billy finally understands why he’s never liked the guy. ✦ warnings: angst, domestic abuse, violence, fighting, injuries, toxic relationship, hurt&comfort ✦ word count: 1,000+

Drabbles

Us (Part Two)

--billy hargrove x fem!harrington!reader, brother!steve harrington & sister!reader ✦ summary: after your daughter is born, you share a couple of minutes with the people you care about. ✦ warnings: fluff, babies ✦ word count: drabble, 400+

Pastel vs Leather

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: billy picks you up from school, surprising everyone with your relationship. ✦ warnings: fluff ✦ word count: drabble, 700+

Smile

--posted on @imagineaworlds ✦ billy hargrove x fem!reader ✦ summary: billy wakes you up in the morning with sweet smiles and soft kisses. ✦ warnings: fluff, soft, gentle, domestic ✦ word count: drabble, 300+

Series

Caught in Your Eyes masterlist

--cross-posted on @imagineaworlds and @hellimagines ✦ best friend!billy hargrove x fem!reader, best friend!original male characters & fem!reader, billy hargrove & original male characters ✦ summary: you’re the new girl in town and have immediately befriended three misfit boys as well as the aggressive lonewolf, billy hargrove. ✦ warnings: angst, hurt&comfort, fighting, violence, injuries, homophobia, drug use, toxic family, fluff, banter, found family, slow build ✦ word count: eleven chapters, 35K+

Starlight Saviour (Teaser) | Chapter One | Chapter Two | (on hiatus)

--billy hargrove x fem!harrington!reader, brother!steve harrington & sister!reader ✦ summary: you’re there the night billy gets taken over by the mind flayer. ✦ warnings: angst, thriller, monsters, hurt&comfort, car crash, injuries, mind flayer being a creep, venom-esque vibes ✦ word count: 4,000+

return to stranger things m.list

return to m.list

return to navi

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove imagines #billy hargrove x reader #stranger things #stranger things masterlist #billy hargrove masterlist

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tortilla-of-courage · 3 years

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Zelda Posts Masterpost

a masterpost of most of my original TLoZ content for easy access.

if there are any issues with any of the links feel free to send in an ask/DM me/reply to this post!

(For both reblogged and original, browse through #legend of zelda. (WIP) Asks related to Zelda will be tagged with #tortilla’s zelda tag)

beware of spoilers for most games! i tag stuff like “#skyward sword spoilers” for all games so. yeah

Art (#zelda art)

I overslept (SkSw Link & Zelda) (Zelink)

Winged Mess (SkSw Link)

Makeup buddies (SkSw Link & HW Link) (not ship art)

They,,, hug (SkSw Link & Zelda) (Zelink)

Dear Diary... (SkSw Link)

Pipit meets a tiny bird (SkSw Link & Pipit)

Get Rekt Cawlin (SkSw Link & Cawlin)

Peter Pan-cho III (SkSw ... technically?)

Fish want me Women fear me (BoTW Link)

BoTW 2: Skyward Sword (SkSw Link & BoTW Link & TP Link & OoT Link)

Challenge Challenge (SkSw Link)

Makeup tension (SkSw Link & Zelda) (Zelink)

What’s 2+2??? (SkSw Link & Zelda)

“My job here is done” (SkSw Link & Zelda) (SkSw Spoilers)

“Jump on 3!” (SkSw Link)

Failing Knight School (SkSw Link)

Merman Groose 1 (SkSw Link & Groose)

Fi’s Fun Facts (SkSw Link & Fi)

Merman Groose 2 (SkSw)

Falling nap (SkSw Link)

Merman Groose 3 (SkSw)

Merman Groose 4 (SkSw Link & SkSw Impa & Groose)

I can’t read (OoT Link & Navi)

Nursing Loftwing (SkSw)

Any Angsty Art? (SkSw Link) (cw blood)

Loftwing nests? (SkSw Link)

Tired college student vibes (SkSw Link)

The Sky Trio (SkSw Link & SkSw Zelda & Groose)

IKEA Loftwing (SkSw)

Ugly humans (SkSw Link & Groose & Ghirahim)

Taming Loftwings (BoTW / BoTW2 Link)

No Thoughts Head Empty (SkSw Link)

Raised by Loftwings (SkSw Link & Gaepora & ...Owlan? I think)

Ghirahim’s Imprisoned Toes (SkSw)

Fi Blep (SkSw Link & Fi)

Armless Ghirahim? (SkSw Link & Ghirahim)

Boomerang Discovery (SkSw Link)

Groose Cake (SkSw Link & Groose)

Sleep is for the Week (SkSw Link)

I’ll Kill You. (SkSw Link & Scrapper)

Fi getting Link back to checkpoints (SkSw Link & Fi)

Theories/Analysis/Observations/Headcanons

Ambidextrous Sky Link (SkSw) [Theory]

SkSw Link being the Ancient Hero mentioned in TP (SkSw & TP) [Theory]

+ Addition to above post: Lanayru Mining Facility’s Boss Room looking like the main room in the Tower of the Gods in ST (SkSw & ST)

BoTW Link’s mutism (LATAM Spanish Addition/Comparison) (BoTW) [Analysis]

Link’s reaction to Fun Fun Island (SkSw) [Observation]

Fi’s Dialogue Box’s BG Hylian (+ Additions by myself & @/mochibun23) (SkSw) [Observation]

+ Ghirahim’s Final Form’s Dialogue Box [Observation]

Link’s dominant hand (SkSw & other media) (dont take it too serious i was just poking fun lol) [Observation]

Hylian Written Languages Analysis

Link’s arm strenght (SkSw) [Observation]

Skyloftians losing their Loftwings early & viceversa (SkSw) [Headcanon]

+ Tiny addition: that happening to Link’s parents? [Headcanon]

What would Link had been like if he hadn’t been a Hero? (SkSw) [Headcanon]

Birthdays in Skyloft (SkSw) [Headcanon]

Link’s vertical spin attacks (SkSw - Wii version, might get Switch screenshots later on) [Observation]

Link and Zelda, royalty or just founders? (SkSw + other games) [Headcanon / Analysis]

Loftwings at night (where do they sleep + why not give them night vision?) (SkSw) [Headcanon / Analysis]

Link likes bugs? (SkSw) [Headcanon]

Visions and prophecies (SkSw) [Analysis]

Bird Book on Link’s (and Zelda’s) desk? (SkSw) [Observation]

Link’s closet (SkSw) [Observation]

NPC dialogues in Skyloft (SkSw) [Observation]

Eggs in Skyloft (SkSw) [Observation]

Spanish Ghirahim likes to talk (SkSw) [Observation]

Lanayru’s Mining Facility’s Hylian Text (SkSw) [Observation]

Sounds in the Hylian Alphabet (SkSw) [Observation / Analysis]

Would Link’s name change pronunciation across time? (SkSw & BoTW) [Analysis]

English vs Spanish translations in Skyward Sword (pt. 1) (SkSw) [Observation / Analysis]

Pollinators in Skyloft? (SkSw) [Observation / Analysis]

Visions in Zelda (mostly SkSw?) [Observation / Little Analysis]

Following Fi section dialogue (SkSw) [Observation, will try to add screenshots at one point]

+ Clarification on Spanish Link calling Fi a “monster”

SkSw Zelink future / kids thoughts [Headcanon]

Link’s parents’ death (SkSw) [Headcanon]

Loftwing Classification [Observation / Analysis]

They have hallway passes!!!!!!! (SkSw) [Observation]

The love umbrella in the blackboard (SkSw) [Observation]

Link’s allegrophobia 1 (+RSD) (SkSw) [Analysis...?]

Link’s allegrophobia 2 (SkSw) [Analysis...?]

Repeating letters in Hylian [Observation]

+ Addition comparing it to real languages

Hylian Army Thoughts [Analysis?]

Varied Text posts

Any Art Tips? (+ assorted Zelda doodles)

Skyward Sword Fancams (are they Fancams if they’re by Nintendo???)

Hyrule Historia’s Loftwing Notes

“The old me is dead” textpost meme

Zelda Ads

“Clifford” The Big Red Bird [Meme]

“BOTW 2′s name could clue in players” IGN Twitter screenshot

BOTW2 trailer and SkSw Parallels

“SS” vs “SkSw”

Skyward Sword my beloved [GIF]

Groose and Link have like 2/3 of a braincell together [Meme]

Me gushing over SkSw Link (pt. 1)

Me gushing over SkSw Link (pt. 2)

Link and Zelda being the weird kids in Skyloft (SkSw Link & Zelda)

Link coming integrated with ADHD + SkSw Headcanon

Link Plagued by Visions and ADHD (SkSw)