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wickedlittleoz · 2 years

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Can I request a little dustimer ficlet where mo comes out to dustfinger as ace?

thank you anon for this lovely ask!!! it's something i've been meaning to write for a while now because i do read mo as demi, probably, and obvi i'm ace myself, so this feels really special. hope you enjoy it!

it goes in my au, sorry hfksjcjd and it's kinda hurt/comfort/angst-with-a-happy-ending, so beware

With a sigh, he drops the brush in a cup with grey-ish water, along with a handful of other brushes he's used in this project. The front cover is finally done and just needs to dry now. He gives it a once over, proud of himself for how it turned out, and wipes his hand on an piece of cloth before turning off the table light, bathing the workroom in shadows.

* * *

The church bells go off in the main plaza. Mo counts the tolls to twelve. He doesn’t have to--his phone is on the table, just a couple inches from his hands. But he likes the feeling of doing things the old, analog way.

He knows the way around the room well enough to find the exit even in the dark, but Mo doesn't expect the strong arms suddenly winding around his middle while he works the door closed in the tiny hallway that leads to this back room. His first instinct is to elbow whoever is grabbing him from behind, until, just a split of second before he goes absolutely berserker, he recognizes the smell of powder in Dustfinger's hair.

"God, you scared me," he breathes, heart hammering in his ears.

Dustfinger chuckles and the sound is like crackling fire. "Sorry, darling." He presses a soft kiss to Mo's neck before, "It's late, I was worried."

"I wanted to get through this piece tonight... Guess I lost track of time," Mo explains and he turns around in Dustfinger's hug, but the man doesn't step back and now they're way too close, noses touching. Not a second passes before Dustfinger closes the distance with a kiss.

Mo accepts it gladly, this loving reward after a long day of work. And he would be satisfied to end it at that. Go back upstairs, have some late dinner, finally go to sleep. But Dustfinger’s hands are suddenly sliding up his back under the sweater, soft but warm fingertips crawling over his skin, and.

He can’t do it right now.

He just can't.

It’s been a long day. He’s tired. And as much as Mo enjoys some little loving action, right now he can’t bring himself to.

Gently, he pulls back from the kiss and takes Dustfinger’s hands, kisses his knuckles. “Some other time, maybe?”

Dustfinger blinks at him, confused and a little hurt, but nods after a moment and offers a smile that does nothing to liven up his eyes, and quietly follows Mo upstairs.

The Gender and Sexuality section of the bookshop is modest, but diverse. It doesn’t take long for Mo to find something about what’s called “asexuality”. An umbrella-term for several identities which experience sexual attraction in different ways than the expected (but unrealistic) norm.

Mo has long known of his attraction to men. Getting married at such a young age got in the way of some experimentation, however. Most he did was french-kiss his best-man the night before the wedding, drunk and giddy and way too out of his mind. Edward looks uncomfortable in every single picture taken at the wedding and he’s never once spoken to Mo since that day.

Which is to say, Dustfinger has been at the core of every single romantic and sexual experience he’s had with another man. And he loves that fire-eater, loves his mind and his body, loves them together... But he doesn't always love the sex.

No, to be more specific, he doesn't always want the sex.

And that's normal...right? For one to not always be in the right mood. Mo has a busy life nowadays, with the bookshop and two kids and the cat. If more often than not he's too tired to get on it, it... It's to be expected, no?

Except that Dustfinger never seems to be too tired. Except that, if it were for Dustfinger, he'd do it everyday, a couple times a day, even.

Except that Mo tears up a little when he reads about asexuality, thinks back to being the weird teen who never had hookups to brag about, who was a virgin until his very late teens, until he and Resa got together.

And he remembers that he could never think about Dustfinger like that for years, even as he was aware of his good looks, until they fell in love. And even now it's so easy for him to go without it, so easy to get lost in their affection that he forgets sex.

Something clicks and Mo cries by himself in the workroom at the back of the bookshop, and all he feels is relief.

"Kids are off to Elinor's for the weekend," is a soft purr as Dustfinger slides into bed and glues himself to Mo's back in one swift motion. "We got the place to ourselves."

Something cold takes over him, then, crawls all the way from his toes and up his legs to pool at his stomach, claw at his heart. Mo jerks up before he has the time to think or be nice about it.

"Dustfinger, uh..." His voice breaks. He hadn't realized that he was this close to tears, but now they threaten to spill and he has to stop and breathe.

"What the fuck, Silvertongue."

He turns around and, yeah, it's not pretty. Dustfinger looks mad and he has the right to be, Mo thinks, before he reminds himself that it's not his fault.

"I-"

"That's the second time you deny me in, like, a week," Dustfinger cuts him off, and there's an edge on his voice that has nothing to do with anger. He's hurt. "Is something going on?"

"No, I-" Mo wipes a tear away and something breaks in Dustfinger's resolve. He makes to move closer to Mo, hands stretched out to him, but stops before they can actually touch.

Mo takes his hands and sits back down, because he appreciates it. The offer. The support.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you..." He starts and realizes that he doesn't know how to say any of this. "First of all, I love you and I--don't want you to think that that's changed."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Dustfinger whispers. His face is blank now. Eyes dead, a wall up and around his heart.

"No!" Mo shouts, loud and desperate enough to scare them both. He pulls Dustfinger's hand to his face and kisses his knuckles, his trademark move these days. "I've been... I've been reading about, uh, sexual attraction and identities lately, and, uh."

Dustfinger jumps to his feet. "Don't fucking tell me you're straight all of a sudden, Mortimer, because a week ago you had my dick in your fucking mouth and you fucking loved-"

"Would you let me finish!"

They're both shaking and breathing heavily. Mo wants to curl up and disappear. This is a side of Dustfinger he hasn't seen in a really long time, probably since the night Elinor told him to leave her house, all that time ago.

"I think." He clears his throat and somehow it gives him the strenght to go on, "No, I know. That I'm asexual."

There's a pause and Dustfinger looks down at him like Mo's the Sphinx and he can't figure out his puzzle. He tries to hold onto his pride, but it's hard with so much hurt and judgement in the eyes of the one person he looks to for support.

"What... Is that?" He asks at last.

Mo breathes, "It just means I don't crave sex like... Like you do." He pauses. Obviously it's not that simple, but does he want to go into the nitty-gritty right now? Dustfinger already despises him enough. "I love us and yes, I love your fucking dick in my fucking mouth, I just don't want it there all the fucking time."

That gets him a smile. Mo sighs in relief. Half a minute passes and Dustfinger finally (finally) sits back down next to him, lets Mo take his hands again.

"Is that all?" The fire-eater asks quietly.

Mo looks up to find his eyes; the wall is gone again. "That's... The short version."

Dustfinger nods a few times and then--Mo almost starts crying all over again--brings Mo's hands to his lips, kisses softly over his knuckles.

"You could've said something," he murmurs and there's an apology there, Mo can hear it coming. "I wouldn't have... Pressured. So much."

Warmth washes over him, radiating from his heart. He knows how lucky he is to have Dustfinger, but in moments like these he feels it so much stronger. Here's a man who loves him above and in spite of everything, who's ready to embrace all parts of him, even the ones that he may be a little too old to still be figuring out.

(And he'll find out in due time that there is no such thing, that you can never be too old to break free from societal norms and learn to love the parts of you that you've hidden for too long.)

His hands curl around Dustfinger's nape to pull him into a soft kiss. "I'm sorry if I scared you. I didn't know how to explain it, I'm--still learning."

Dustfinger shakes his head. "We'll figure it out, darling. Together. For now, how about some tea?"

He smiles and Mo can't help the silly grin that spreads across his face. He nods and Dustfinger gets up from the bed, presses a quick kiss to his forehead and makes it to the door.

He's already disappeared into the hallway, but his head pokes back inside a second later, and he calls, "Silvertongue. Just so you know. I'm proud of you."

And he leaves Mo to his happy tears.

#asks #anon #framedverse #inkheart #mo folchart #dustfinger #dustimer #my fics

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beautybranding3 · 1 year

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ganymedesclock · 3 years

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These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.

1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?

2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?

In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.

Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.

Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.

My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.

For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:

Research is your friend

Think about broad conventions of ableism

Be mindful of cast composition

1. Research is your friend

Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:

What's the story on this character's disability?

Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in! Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)

And that dovetails into:

What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?

This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.

Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.

2. Think about broad conventions of ableism

It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:

Failing the “heartwarming dog” test

This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.

Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.

Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user.

It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.

This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.

Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand

A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:

Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!

The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.

Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.

(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)

On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.

The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”

As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.

Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.

Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.

BUT.

It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”

This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.

You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.

Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!

Disability accommodations are part of life

This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!

Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist.

(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)

3. Be mindful of cast composition

This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!

Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!

Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!

The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.

Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!

#disability #writing ruminations #readmore

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thoughtlessthinkythoughts · 3 years

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Why your bisexual, polyamorous, down for anything utopia is actually exclusionary as hell

*and also manages to be aphobic, homophobic, and biphobic all at once

So, there’s been a post going around that imagines what the world could look like in a more queer friendly future. It posits that in an ideal, prejudice free world, most people would identify as bisexual, and being straight or gay would be considered slightly odd, limiting, and boring. The post doesn’t even acknowledge that ace or aro people exist. The general theory is that if there were nothing to stop people, almost everyone would be interested in having sex with almost everyone else.

Now, this idea isn’t new. Look up Free Love Future on TVTropes and you will see a ton of entries. If you’ve seen Doctor Who, it is basically the Jack Harkness vision of what the future could look like. So, I’m less responding to the specific post I saw and more to this concept of the free love, everyone is bi future as an ideal. There’s quite a few reasons this idea is appealing to people, which I’ll get into. But there are also a lot of reasons why it actually incredibly limiting and misses the beauty of the diversity of queer experiences.

First, why do people like these sorts of tropes? Well, I think it is fair to say that more people would identify as something under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella if doing so was completely accepted. You can see a definite trend in statistics comparing Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z that as society has become more accepting, more and more people are categorizing themselves as something other than cishet. It’s also definitely true that sexual behavior (distinct from sexual identity) can be influenced by societal norms. So, a future where significantly fewer people ID as straight or only have sex with one gender does feel plausible. People want to imagine a future where straight isn’t the assumption, and that I completely can get behind.

But this image of the future isn’t any sort of queer utopia. It’s just creating a different norm, one where the standard is that almost everyone is interested in almost everyone, and those that aren’t are the weird ones. This vision excludes huge numbers of people from being considered part of the norm. It’s a future where there would still be enormous pressure to conform to a set standard of sexual behavior. One where considering people different or odd for having certain identities is still seen as fine and dandy. And that doesn’t sound like a queer friendly future to me.

Let’s start with the ace and aro phobia. If people who “limit” themselves to one gender are considered boring in this future, imagine what people would think of those of us who’s answer to either sex, romance, or both is “no thanks.” This future might be even harder on aces and aros than our modern day is. Now, I can see someone trying to argue that this vision of the future actually does a fair bit to knock down amatonormativity...but does it? Sure, in this vision, monogamous relationships perhaps aren’t the norm and the nuclear family may be less of a basis for society. But it is still creating a norm about what relationships should look like. It’s creating a norm around how much and what kinds of sex people should be having. It’s still leaving anyone who doesn’t want those things an outcast.

It also seems to imply that the main reason people exclude certain others as potential partners is repression or societal expectations. Now, I imagine aces, aros, gays and lesbians, and anyone who has ever dealt with someone who doesn’t understand that you are not fucking interested in them can understand why this assumption leads to mountains and mountains of bullshit.

This idea is homophobic. It says to every gay person “actually, the fact that you aren’t interested in other genders is weird. How does that work, anyway?” How the hell is that a vision of progress?

I’d also argue the idea is biphobic, and in many ways it is similar to the idea that any immortal would eventually end up being bisexual. How can an idea that most people would be bi if only they were free from societal constraints be biphobic? Well, how many bi people have had their identity treated as less valid or less queer because “isn’t everyone a little bit bi?” Treating bisexuality as the inevitable result of time or sexual freedom is refusing to treat it as a unique identity.

There’s also the fact that these sorts of hypothetical futures tend to take the concepts of bisexuality, polyamory, and being down for anything and assume that these categories completely overlap. Now, obviously some people fit into all of them, but not everyone does.

Again, I get where this is coming from. A lot of it is coming from a desire to not be judged if all of these categories happen to apply to you. Some of it is also pure wish fulfillment - some people just like the idea of a future where everyone is having lots of casual, judgment free sex because they would like that. And an ideal future should absolutely be judgment free - but that means not creating a new set of expectations, ones that feed into some pretty common stereotypes.

How many monogamous bi people have had their ability to stay faithful to a single partner called into question? How many bi people have had to fight the idea that they must be promiscuous.

For that matter, how many poly people have had to fight the idea that being poly always means an open relationships or promiscuity? How many people have to fight the idea that an open relationship means they’ll sleep with anyone? This proposed bisexual, free love utopia actually feeds into a bunch of shitty stereotypes and doesn’t include a lot of the people it was meant to.

Here’s the take home message. Don’t imagine a world where one particular type of queerness and one particular model for sexual behavior is considered the norm. Imagine instead a world where there are no assumptions, no expectations, and no judgment surrounding sex, romance, and identity. Where all orientations or identities are welcome. If your dream of a queer friendly future is to create a new restrictive norm and ostracize a slightly different set of people than our current society does, your dream is shit.

#asexuality #aromantic #discourse #aphobia #homophobia #biphobia

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higuchimon · 3 years

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[fanfic] On A Stormy Night

Nights spent in a PokeCenter could be almost anything - quiet or noisy, filled with friendly, teasing battles, or tense and nervous as people kept as far from one another as they could, not wanting to break the peace established there. Tonight, however, everything was quiet, even though there were seven of them - a lot more if one counted the Pokemon - gathered there.

Merag carefully ran her brush over her Vulpix's fur, making sure to get rid of every tangle. Aurora preened under her touch, purring happily, and Merag gently petted her. She knew that Aurora wouldn't be able to snuggle in her lap like this once she evolved into a Ninetails so she wanted to enjoy the experience while she could.

Nasch sat on one of the couches, eyes closed, not quite snoring but clearly not exactly asleep either. He didn't like to bring his Sharpedo out when they weren't close enough to water, so his Shui stayed tucked away in his Pokeball. Nasch rolled it gently between his fingers when he thought no one was looking, and she'd heard him whisper to his partner more than once. Nasch had a strong team of water types, but Shui the Sharpedo was his ace, the one he made a point to end most battles with.

He wasn't the only one who couldn't have his partner out while they were inside. Mizael would come back inside from being with his Druddigon Jinlong any moment now - and probably be as cross as a wet cat, since he hated his hair getting soaked in weather like this. As far as Merag was concerned, that was his own fault that he hadn't invested in an umbrella. She had. He could do it.

Over in a corner were Alit and Gilag, sparring against their partners, Sawk and Throh. Merag had heard that Alit spent at least a part of his day training against Sawk. Alit might not be able to use official Pokemon moves, but that clearly didn't bother him for a second. The same went for Gilag, who was almost as large and strong as Throh anyway. Those two were very much alike.

On a different sofa there rested Vector, with his Seviper coiled around him. She thought she'd heard him call the giant snake "Shingetsu". That was as good a name as any, she guessed. He petted the giant head that rested on his chest, polishing the fangs carefully.

Durbe stood near the door, a well-polished Pokeball in hand. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never seen him release his partner Mach when it was wet outside, let alone the pouring mess that it was right now. Frankly, given how hot Mach the Rapidash burned, she would bet more on him than on the rain, no matter what. Getting Durbe to believe that wasn't going to happen any time soon, though.

He trained mostly Flying types, but Mach was his ace, and the first Pokemon that he'd ever had. His eyes had glowed with warmth when Mach evolved into Rapidash. He'd told Nasch once that when he rode Mach, and the beautiful creature raced along at a full gallop, it felt as if they were flying. She'd never wanted that herself - she was satisfied to be an Ice-Type specialist - but if it gave her friend pleasure, then so be it.

"Has it let up out there?" Nasch asked without opening his eyes. Durbe shook his head - Which Nasch couldn't have possibly seen but he seemed to understand it happened regardless.

"It doesn't look as if it's going to any time tonight," Durbe answered quietly, hand gripping tighter on Mach's Pokeball. "We might not be able to go anywhere until tomorrow."

"Oh, joy. Just what I always wanted. More time with you." Vector snorted, rolling his eyes.

"You're welcome to leave any time you like," Nasch pointed out, still not opening his eyes. "Though I'd definitely regret not seeing you go up against Champion Kaito."

Vector smirked. "You mean you'd regret seeing me beat him and take his place."

"No, I mean I'd regret not being there with popcorn when he stomps you into the dirt in the first two minutes," Nasch snapped back. Merag had heard variants of this exchange many times before over the last few months. She didn't know who would get to Champion Kaito first, but it would be a fantastic battle no matter what. She hadn't decided if she wanted to formally challenge him herself or if she'd just continue wandering with Aurora until she found somewhere to settle down for good.

She'd given thought to heading up north, to where Marufuji Ryou had established his combination Steel/Ice Gym. Perhaps she could apply for a position there as a Gym Trainer. She wouldn't be surprised if Nasch established his own Water Gym at some point either. It might be interesting to follow him for a while - though she did want to strike out on her own.

The future offered a lot of opportunities and she saw no reason to make any decisions right now.

Durbe stepped back from the door to let Mizael in. The blond shook water out of his head, his nose wrinkling. He and Durbe were united in their dislike of water. It was the source of many an ongoing verbal sparring match between them and Nasch. They normally deferred to him in most things, but when it came to water, not so much.

"Dry off before you come over here!" Vector shouted, throwing a towel at Mizael. The dragon trainer caught it and glared at Vector.

"I'll dry off but I'm not coming over there," he snapped. Vector snorted, getting comfortable once again with his Shingetsu. He made advances now and then that didn't involve Pokemon battles, and Mizael shook off every single one of them. Merag approved of that. Mizael could do so much better.

Outside, the rain continued to pour down from thick gray clouds. It wouldn't clear up until morning, allowing them to continue on their way. Another city and another Gym lay at the end of the road, and a Trainer's life was one on the road.

The End

Notes: Maybe one day I will write another fic in this AU for them. But that day is not today.

#fanfic #higuchimon writes #ygo zexal #merag #nasch #durbe #alit #gilag #mizael #vector #pokemon #zexal Week

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ober-affen-geil · 4 years

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A little while ago I watched “Love, Victor” on Hulu, because I’d been a massive fan of “Love, Simon” when it came out. There were a lot of things about “Love, Simon” that made me feel seen as a queer person in a way that I had NEVER experienced before in a teen romcom, and I was hoping for something similar in this miniseries. Ultimately I wasn’t...disappointed per se but it didn’t resonate with me as much as the movie did. With the exception of one scene in episode eight.

*Spoilers*

This is, of course, at the end of the episode when Victor realizes that Simon, who he thought he had been writing to in confidence, has been telling all his friends about Victor’s personal life. Victor is hurt and demands an explanation. Simon tells him that he had involved his friends because he didn’t feel he could answer Victor’s questions from his own personal experience.

“Every one of my friends had a little bit to offer. A little piece of the puzzle. They weren’t sitting around laughing about your life, they were in your corner; listening and helping and cheering you on...A group of friends that gave up an entire weekend to help a kid that they’ve never met just because they know that on some level we’ve all been through the same thing.”

Indulge me, for a moment, in a personal story.

I was on a bus, when I was in college, going to the mall to get something. There was a bunch of high school age kids in the back, being loud in the “inconsiderate” way that friend groups can get when they’re having fun and not paying much attention to their surrounding environment.

All at once, one of them dropped an f-bomb. And I don’t mean the four letter kind, I mean the kind that can be three letters or six letters. (They were using the three letter version.) Keeping in mind, this wasn’t all that far removed from when “gay” was an easy synonym for “stupid” and that word probably didn’t mean all that much to this person. They weren’t directing it at anything or anyone in particular, it was just the first word that came to their mind to use. (Which is sinister in its own right.)

But no matter the intent when I heard that kid use that word, loudly and unthinkingly, I had the reaction that I think most members of marginalized groups have when they hear a slur specific to them; I went on high alert. I didn’t move, but all of my attention was now focused on that group of kids. Because they were now a threat.

I did one of those half glances over my shoulder, not enough to be obvious but enough to clock the group to judge their “energy”, for lack of a better word. To see how much of a threat they actually might be. And when I did that I saw someone about my age and about even with my seat just across the aisle do exactly the same thing. I never looked directly at them and they never looked directly at me (that I noticed) and we never locked eyes or had a moment of explicit understanding and recognition pass between us, but I knew. Just from that, I knew I wasn’t alone.

And that’s I think what stuck me so much about that scene, and why it resonated with me so strongly, because family is one of the most intrinsic things to the queer community there is. No matter the extreme diversity under the umbrella, and the divisiveness that will inevitably follow from that, every SINGLE one of us knows that fear. Maybe it’s from personal experience, maybe it’s from witnessed experience, maybe it’s from stories, but all of us know what it is to be hunted.

And because of that most of us not only do in fact have a semi-developed “gaydar” as a survival tool, we also have a protective instinct. Circle the wagons. We had to become our own village when no one else would raise the unwanted children.

“Why would they want to help a complete stranger?” Victor asks Simon, still confused and wary as to people he doesn’t know having intimate details about his life. Still afraid of being exposed and alone.

“Because you’re not a stranger. You’re one of us.”

#love victor #love simon #personal #rant #i was inspired and unsupervised #what can i say #tw homophobia #a riley special

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alishbakhanus · 3 years

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Celebrate a relaxed outdoor wedding

An outdoor wedding is a dream for the newlyweds and guests. Of course, the planning is often a bit more extensive and you are heavily dependent on the weather, but it’s worth it!

We have summarized all information about getting married outdoors – whether in the garden, park or on the beach – and have lots of great suggestions and tips ready.

1. Outdoor wedding locations

A wedding in the country – getting married could hardly be more romantic. Which outdoor locations are suitable for such an event? Choose for yourself and see where you would like to celebrate your wedding outside:

Beach wedding

The bride in flip-flops, the groom in a straw hat and a delicious cocktail as a welcome drink? If you prefer a casual wedding, the beach motto is the right choice.

For many, a beach wedding is a dream that seems out of reach. If you don’t want to fly out your wedding party, you will also find great beach bars in the middle of Germany, where the beach feeling simply comes to you.

Sand, water and cocktails – if you and your guests create a holiday mood, the beach wedding in Germany is just as perfect!

Wedding at the lake

A romantic wedding motto with plenty of scope for decoration and beautiful actions.

For example, you could organize pedal boats and instead of a car parade all drive one behind the other out onto the lake – ideally at sunset

Forest wedding

Getting married under an old oak tree with brightly colored lanterns in the branches, a ring pillow made of moss and the wooden guest book? That sounds tempting! The only important thing is that in the end everything fits together harmoniously and that nature can be found in all decorative items.

The season of the year is particularly important for a forest wedding. Only in late spring are all the trees nice and green again. In autumn you can create a magical atmosphere through the colorful leaves, but then the winds can be stronger again.

Meadow wedding

Whether in the park around the corner or on the nearby farm – a wedding on the meadow in nature also brings many great opportunities.

Usually the meadow wedding is very relaxed and the party is more informal. This is why this motto is particularly suitable for weddings with a low budget, as luxury would be out of place here. .

Wedding in the garden

Do you or your parents have a spacious garden that would comfortably seat all of your guests? Perfect! Because getting married in the garden is not only the easiest, but usually also the cheapest option for an outdoor wedding celebration.

You can design your garden wedding exactly how you like and don’t have to adhere to guidelines. Only with regard to the volume of the music should you short-circuit yourself with the neighbors beforehand (or simply invite them all).

Depending on the number of guests, think about parking and how many toilets are available.

Wedding in the park

To celebrate your wedding in a public park, you need a permit from the municipality or city administration. It is an advantage if you can include a nearby café or restaurant. Otherwise you not only have to transport furniture, food and drinks, but also toilets and the power supply into the middle of the park. Unfortunately very time-consuming and expensive.

But if the organizational aspects are feasible, getting married in the park can be a very special experience for you and your guests.

Such a spring wedding in the park , when the wonderful flowers are blooming and the rays of the sun illuminate the fresh grass, is simply indescribable!

Wedding in the botanical garden

Getting married in the country, in the middle of the most amazing flowers and plants there is – wonderful! Many botanical gardens offer such a heavenly wedding and are well equipped for it.

This sweet bridal couple has come up with an animal motto for their outdoor wedding: A peacock wedding – the perfect motto for a wedding in the botanical garden, because there are often a few free-roaming animals there.

Wedding on the farm

Rural charm and a rustic atmosphere – for those who love nature and the informal, getting married on a farm is the right choice.

2. Celebrate your wedding outside – a bad weather contingency plan

The weather is unpredictable. Even in July or August there can be bright sunshine one day and pouring out of buckets the next.

So don’t rely on your luck, but forge an emergency plan. Then you can look forward to your wedding day much more relaxed.

Locations where the wedding can take place outside or inside, depending on the weather, are of course ideal.

If you don’t have that, you may rent an alternative location if there is not only showers, but continuous rain. Or does one of your friends have a party room, winter garden or something similar? Consider all the options and better plan twice.

Our tip: So that your mood does not go down in rainy weather, take out wedding weather insurance. The compensation of € 5,000 will surely make up for the rainy weather!

But even in extreme heat you should keep an eye on the well-being of your guests. Sufficient water and sun protection are essential on hot days, especially at an outdoor wedding.

If you celebrate your wedding outside in the summer, check out our 10 great ideas for a little cooling off!

Wedding fans are a nice idea of how you can provide refreshment for your guests during the wedding. Already placed on the chairs at the wedding ceremony or in a pretty basket, they are a practical guest gift for the summer heat.

3. The outfit for outdoor weddings

Food and drinks

Depending on the number of guests, it is advisable to have the physical well-being of the guests provided by a catering service or a food truck. This saves you a lot of organizational effort and distraction on the wedding day.

Don’t stress yourself or your family about trying to cook the food yourself. A catering service conjures up what you like and also brings dishes with you.

Seating

If you want to get married outside, there is a lot to organize. From beer benches to garden chairs decorated with chic covers – choose what suits your wedding.

Is it possible for family and friends to borrow bar tables, for example?

Then label the borrowed furniture well. The alternative: You can also borrow everything from a single source. This is often less time consuming, but of course it costs more.

Tents and umbrellas

Usually the most practical option is to set up the food and seating under one or more tents . So you are safe from possible showers. They also provide shade when it is very hot.

The side walls can be suspended as required so that outdoor fun is not spoiled. For the evening you could also think about a tent heater or patio heaters.

There are enough tent rental companies, it is best to get several offers and get advice on how big the tents should be. The music and technology should also be housed in a separate tent.

Also consider who should set up the tents in the morning and plan helpers.

For the outdoor wedding, you can put up a few parasols instead of tents in case the weather gets extremely hot.

Power supply

There must be enough electricity for the music, microphones and any lighting system. Is an extension cable enough or do you need a generator?

It’s best to discuss this with the DJ and ask if he’ll take care of it. Incidentally, you can find DJs near you in our business directory.

Also keep in mind that food and drinks should be kept cool.

Candles and gas lamps are ideal for the light in the evening. Only the area where program items and wedding games are presented should be well lit – after all, every wedding guest wants to be able to see the performance properly.

Sanitary facilities

If you have to go to the toilet, you don’t want to have to walk forever. So it is best to plan according to the accessibility of the sanitary facilities and, if necessary, indicate the way. You should also note that mobile toilets may have to be cleaned in between.

Mobile coffee bar

A fun idea and a great surprise for your guests is a mobile coffee bar. It can be driven anywhere without a water or electricity connection and will delight you and your guests there with delicious coffee specialties, soft drinks and small snacks. Ideal for an outdoor wedding!

4. Decoration for the outdoor wedding location

Which decoration you use at your outdoor wedding almost comes off by itself.

Simply adapt this to the location and emphasize the beauty of your outdoor wedding location with the decoration.

Green wedding decorations are diverse – your imagination is required here.

Depending on the weather, the decoration must also be attached accordingly. For example, place beautiful stones on the tears of joy so that they don’t blow off your chair. Get tall lanterns or lanterns for the candles and save the rose petals on the floor if they would fly away anyway.

In contrast, mosquito spray as a guest gift or mosquito candles are practical. Compartments for generating wind are also a great gift for guests.

5. Information about the wedding outside for the guests

Your guests are sure to be delighted by such a special and extraordinary outdoor wedding. Therefore, inform them early enough about the exact conditions (ideally with the wedding invitation).

For example, that it can get cooler in the evening, that the floor is not suitable for high heels or that allergy sufferers shouldn’t forget their pills.

If necessary, also mentions the location for plan B with a telephone number for clarification in case of doubtful weather.

6. What else you should consider when getting married outside

For an outdoor wedding, you should allow yourself a certain budget buffer. At the wedding in nature there is one or the other “grass stain” on the cover that you have to have cleaned. If necessary, you should reserve two locations in case it rains or you have to pay for the tents if you don’t need them at short notice.

But that doesn’t mean that your costs have to be higher than for a “normal” wedding – on the contrary, because casual weddings outdoors are often much cheaper.

It is best to record all costs in our clear budget planner so that there are no surprises.

There is also more time to plan for the organization, as you may have to clarify and procure a lot more and need more helpers.

7. The outdoor wedding ceremony

Whether you “only” want to celebrate your wedding outdoors or also want to hold the wedding ceremony outside – that makes a big difference.

Courtesy: best outdoor venue

#preweddingphotography weddingdecor weddingseason weddingplanner weddingphotographer weddings weddinginspiration weddingphotography wedding w

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virtchandmoir · 4 years

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Tessa Virtue steps off the ice and into kinky boots, among other worthwhile endeavours

November 16, 2019

There’s Tessa Virtue. And whoa, gobsmacking, there’s Vicky Vice.

The alter ego will come as a shock to many who have watched Canada’s ice dancing sweetheart transform over the years. From the demure Tessa of Gibson Girl days — her debut silver medal at the 2008 worlds in Gothenburg with Scott Moir, a feathery rendition of “Umbrellas of Cherbourg” that knocked judges for a loop — to the dynamically athletic Tessa of Vancouver Olympics gold (The Goose lift), to the mature and sensuous Tessa of “Roxanne” and “Carmen” and finally “Moulin Rouge’’ — Games gold times two in Pyeongchang.

But wet-look black latex pencil skirt, cleavage-squeezing bustier, leather gloves and ankle boots, with drag queen makeup, pulling on a rope, suggestive of a dominatrix — that’s breaking kinky new ground.

With a simple “Hold on tight’’ caption, the spread sprang from the imagination of Toronto-based photographer Nikki Ormerod.

The new and emboldened Tessa‚ unshackled as her skating career winds to a close on Rock the Rink, a 27-city cross-Canadian tour with Moir — was game.

“I was thinking about the opposite of virtue,” Virtue explains down the phone line. “Sometimes when we were performing, I’d channel her. You know, how Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce?”

While there is poignancy to this stage in Virtue’s career — she and Moir have announced that’s it, not even any more shows after the tour concludes in St. John’s on Nov. 23 (“though never say never”) — she’s also excited about whatever comes next. The possibilities are endless.

Since the couple retired from competition, Virtue has been everywhere: magazine covers, talk shows, TV commercials promoting this product and that. Which is as it should be, translating on-ice success — three Olympic medals, four world championship golds (one junior), eight senior Canadian titles, 55 international medals — to off-ice fortune.

At 30 years old, she’s earned it. Although, it’s unsettling that Virtue will now be forever partitioned from Moir. Twenty-two years together, most decorated Olympics figure skaters in history.

We all pined for the romance they invoked on the ice to be real. Lord knows they faked it good, that deep, intimate connection, if always making it clear that no, they weren’t a couple away from the rink. Moir, in fact, is engaged to marry next summer. But what will they be to each other now and in the future unfolding?

“The more important factor that will shift for us is just the fact that we won’t be skating together,” Virtue explains. “We’ve been through everything together, partners included. But it’s a really neat time for us. After this long, sharing such a singular focus and common goal, it’s fun to support one another as we launch ourselves forward and into other projects that are closely aligned with our values and close to our hearts, respectively.

“I can’t wait to watch him flourish in whatever he takes on next. We’ll always be there for each other. We’ll always be a part of each other’s lives. I think it will just be a natural evolution of a beautiful friendship. Taking the skating element out of it will allow some freedom for us to relish the beautiful friendship we’ve created. Now we get to reap those benefits of really just being in one another’s corner, supporting each other from the sidelines every step of the way.’’

Virtue is picking her projects carefully. This past week, it was announced that she and Benoit Huot have signed on to a joint partnership between the Canadian Olympic Committee and the Canadian Paralympic and Classroom Champions. Teach Canada Champion Chats, in the 2019-20 school year, is a nationwide program designed to empower students, with a focus on mentoring, achieving goals, embracing challenges — in or out of sports — mental wellness, diversity and inclusion, via virtual live chats.

“What’s so beautiful about this is, it’s taking the lessons we’ve learned in sport as athletes and really creating a personal connection with students who wouldn’t otherwise get to learn about those experiences, and help them apply it to their lives,’’ says Virtue. “It’s so cool … We’ve been able to learn so many unique things that are so applicable to every facet of life, especially when it comes to kids who just don’t have access to those kinds of resources, physical activity and sport.”

So many hours to fill that used to be spent at the rink, training daily or rehabbing from injury, which has been a theme for Virtue more than Moir, including surgery to her shins and calves.

And she’s still coming to terms with the absence of competition, the thrill and stress of performing for judges.

“We’re competitors by nature,’’ says Virtue, of herself and Moir. “We inherently miss that fire that comes with striving to be the best. The biggest challenge has been taking off that perfectionist hat and putting on an entertainer hat. Realizing that entertainment, in a broad view, is so different than what we’d been striving for, for 22 years, which was perfection in four minutes. Which doesn’t exist anyway.’’

The tour has been a farewell and a mutual thank you for all the skates, all the medals, all the adoring audiences. “Letting that percolate, digesting it, that this is the end of something really beautiful and we’re able to savour it every single night. I just feel so fortunate. Every night, I’m very cognizant of the fact that we’re able to walk away exactly on our own terms. The programs that we want to do in the way that we’ve dreamed of doing, and in a way that really feels like it does justice to the career and the partnership that we’ve had.”

Without the fussy rules that have historically stifled ice dancing. Though Moir and Virtue, with their signature athleticism and artistry, always found a way to punch through boundaries.

Without Moir and Virtue, without Patrick Chan, without Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford, without Kaetlyn Osmond — all formally retired from the sport since Pyeongchang — the figure skating landscape looks rather bleak in Canada. They dominated for so long.

“It will be tough to follow this generation,” Virtue reluctantly admits. “But if we’ve done our jobs, then it won’t be too long until there are some shining superstars in Canada. But yeah, it’s a tough changing of the guard.”

Unlike Moir, Virtue has no interest in coaching, at least not yet. With a psychology degree under his belt, she plans to pursue an MBA at Queen’s University starting next fall. She’s also keenly drawn to an entrepreneurial career. Virtue is already quite the businesswoman, working with sponsors since the Vancouver Games. “I’ve always had a passion for business. I’ve been fortunate to have been exposed to so many facets of the business world. And I’m used to being my own boss as an athlete.

“We were sort of CEOs of our career.”

—The Star

#tessa #off ice #tour #rtr 2019 #interview: the star #one #never say never #smartest answer imo #two #at least not yet #what tessa said versus what the journalist interpreted #kind of important here #(but we'll never know)

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liskantope · 4 years

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[Warning: good old gratuitous rant describing really bad SJ/wokeness ahead.]

Over the past 4-5 years or so, I’ve had exactly one person on my Facebook newsfeed who is both a PoC and talks on a personal level about racial issues. Plenty of my white Facebook friends (predominantly from academia) constantly demonstrate wokeness on racial issues there, but this is the one PoC Facebook friend (an African-American, who grew up with white parents and mostly away from African-American culture to the best of my knowledge, isn’t academic, and isn’t liberal or even particularly woke on other issues) who does it.

(Well, for the sake of honesty, that’s not entirely true. For a few of those years I had another PoC friend (not black) who effusively espoused woke views on race, and who disturbed me from a psychological standpoint on an even deeper level than the person I’m focusing this post on. But a while back I had to cut her off completely for entirely personal reasons some of which involved third parties. I’m pretty sure she’s somewhere on Tumblr, considered her a friend once, and don’t care to talk about her here.)

I was Facebook friends with the subject of this post for longer than the 4-5 years I’ve mentioned; we were originally friendly acquaintances (she seemed like a super nice and fairly functional person at the time) and I haven’t seen her since well before the time around 2015 or 2016 (can’t remember exactly when) she very abruptly went down a certain ideological rabbit hole.

Anyway, since she’s really my only PoC Facebook friend talking about these things and writes really well, and I’m at least woke enough to acknowledge that it’s the job of white people like myself to listen to the experiences and points of view of PoC on race, I do try to get what I can out of her posts.

Therefore, it’s unfortunate that she

went from 0 to 100 in the direction of modern wokeness on racial issues so fast that her brains flew out of her head and her hyper-awareness of race-related dangers clearly mixes in a really unhealthy way with her anxiety (clinically diagnosed and very apparent outside of racial issues); for an example see the story I described at the end of this post

considers all of her extreme opinions on race objective knowledge that she (alone of my African-American friends) feels forced to disseminate (or maybe it’s out of her purely generous nature?) and writes about how generously she’s “educating” white people with the most subtle yet exquisite condescension I can possibly imagine or would have the writing skills to convey myself if I wanted to, while complaining how exhausting it all is, eventually reaching a point that she’s charging money for her “emotional labor”* in meeting white friends for coffee to give them her “education” and occasionally advertises this minor side-business in Facebook statuses

seems to analyze every single everyday activity in terms of what race everyone is classed in to an extent that to my thinking would logically lead to complete cultural segregation rather than increased diversity; to take a minor example she wrote a rueful diatribe against a black woman on the bus who didn’t meet her attempt to make eye contact because “we black women are supposed to stick together”

occasionally espouses the (to my ears very-pseudoscientific-sounding, and anti-black racist!) theory that African-Americans’ genes were permanently damaged by slavery however many generations ago and talks about the collective trauma she has directly suffered because of slavery -- when she briefly wrote about it in a status she got comments that thanked her for (exact words) “giving us this education”

frequently shares posts of Ally Henny, a prominent writer who comes out with mini-essays on a daily basis some of which (at least the ones I see shared) sound exactly like conservative everyone’s-an-irredeemable-sinner Catholicism with certain words replaced, as if she’s not even making the slightest effort not to sound that way -- one (from the end of last year that I’m not up for hunting down right now) even described what in essence sounds like a second coming!

is surrounded by (mostly white) worshippers and sycophants who immediately dogpile anyone who posts a disagreeing comment (to be fair, the quality of dissenting comments is not high and often comes from an ignorant or obtuse place, making the discussions on her wall even less beneficial to me) in a vicious, vindictive manner

loves to make posts deriding “mediocre white men” (e.g. paraphrased from memory “Maybe the reason so many white men refuse to acknowledge their privilege is that they just don’t want to acknowledge their own mediocrity”, and just the other day, “To have the boldness of a mediocre yt man. That is my goal in life!”) which promptly get applauded by her big group of snickering (mostly white) sycophants; I don’t even want to try to get into the layers of abusive this tactic is (and again she came across, both in-person and online, as a super sweet person prior to 2015-ish)

(and oh yeah, for some reason my white privilege blinds me from seeing, she can no longer actually spell out the phrase “white person”; following Ally Henny she has to write the modifier as “wight” or “yt” or “wh*te” or use “person of whiteness” [EDIT: just found out this, at least on Henny’s part, apparently has something to do with too much use of the phrase “white people” setting off red flags for Facebook’s “community standards” algorithms])

the other day described a conversation on black friend’s wall (which I can’t see) about a representation issue where a white guy politely disagreed; she proudly reports that she told him that “disagreeing with a black woman is not a Good Look, even if done respectfully” at which point the guy angrily left the conversation; she holds this up as an example of white fragility

and finally, tonight’s post which was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me: she complains that in her “largely unproblematic” cooking group online forum a black woman asked if any other PoC could share a recipe for banana pudding with her and several white people replied, “I’m not a PoC but...” and provided a recipe; she decries this as white people taking space away from PoC... in a NON-RACIALLY-SEGREGATED ONLINE FORUM. FOR COOKING. Because apparently the need to acknowledge race in each and every daily activity extends keeping the taint of whiteness out of BANANA PUDDING RECIPES**, and anyone who fails to respect this by giving her unsolicited white-person recipe suggestions is oppressing her.

Of course, when I say “straw that broke the camel’s back” I don’t mean that it will necessarily cause me to un-follow this person -- no, that would be much too responsible and sensible of me! -- I just mean that it caused me to stay up past my bedtime ranting on Tumblr. (And yes, at this point I probably should un-follow her. And go back to staying away from Facebook altogether.)

I guess if this post actually had a point, it would be that my social media sphere has not exactly served me well in providing PoC voices that I can actually learn from (and yes, I’m aware of the laziness and disingenuousness this comment implies, but I’ll leave it here as a tongue-in-cheek conclusion).

*Her implication that this falls under the umbrella of “emotional labor”, even taken in a broader pop activism social context, is on shaky ground in my opinion.

**This would be significantly different if we were talking about a dish coming from a nonwhite culture, e.g. jambalaya, but as far as I know you can’t get much more culturally white than banana pudding.

#social justice #racism #emotional labor #catholicism #bullying cw #Snark #Might delete this

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aroacepagans · 5 years

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Alright so the survey on aro community needs from this post got 30 responses, and with it all being long form I don’t expect to get many more.

So what I’m going to do is give summaries of common themes and answers above the cut for people who don’t want to read through a bunch of text, and then I’m going to put individual answers under the cut for folks who are interested. Please note that these are all anonymous survey answers, and they do not necessarily reflect my opinions. I encourage people to have/start discussions around the topics brought up here so that we can work towards having a mutually fulfilling and cohesive community.

Summary:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

More recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, aro specific spaces where no one will assume that they’re ace and where they don’t have to be bombarded by ace content, safe spaces to talk about their experiences with sexual attraction, and a wider community acknowledgment that ace and aro don’t mean the same thing.

What are the community needs of aroaces?

Separate aroace spaces, space and language that allows them to express the interconnectedness of their aro and ace identities, a recognition of the diversity of aroace experiences including the experiences of oriented aroaces and aro leaning aroaces, spaces devoid of both sex and romance, and less infighting between the aro and ace communities.

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

New language that doesn’t enforce the use of SAM as a norm and that doesn’t enforce a SAM/ non-SAM binary, more recognition of aromantic as one whole identity, more inclusion of their identity within aro spaces, and having the ability to label themselves as aro without being asked what their other identity is .

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

Specific spaces where they can talk about aromantic attraction, more recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, more greyro/aro-spec specific resources and content, and a larger platform within the aspec community to discuss their experiences.

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

Increased visibility, spaces free from amatonormativity, safe and unbiased shared spaces for all members of the aro/aro-spec community, separation and distinction from alloaces, more in-person spaces, and a building of understanding and acceptance between the different community subgroups.

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

Better and more formalized tagging systems, creating more forums, chats, tags, etc, that are specific to different aro and arospec subgroups, creating more variety in online aro spaces generally, giving equal online spaces and platforms to all aro subgroups, and having open and polite community discussion about our needs within online aro spaces.

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

Use inclusive language, allow for smaller sub-communities within larger aro and aspec groups, provide resources for small, lesser known identities both within groups and at pride, push for more aro inclusion in wider queer spaces and create safe and respectful discussion spaces where everyone can voice their needs

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

Civil and open discussions, try to find solutions instead of just arguing, and create separate spaces for subgroups when needed while continuing to maintain larger general spaces for discuison and community building.

Individual answers:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

1. A space to be aromantic but not asexual. As an alloaro myself, I struggle to relate to many aroaces - and the ace community in general - because my sexuality is a big part of my identity, right along side being aromantic. I want a place where I can discuss how being aromantic affects my sexual attraction without having to focus on one or the other

2. A place to talk about sexual attraction without being ridiculed or being called a player. Advice about how to go about getting a relationship that fulfills their needs without be demeaned to expected to evolve into romantic.

3. I'm not alloaro, so I don't feel comfortable speculating on their behalf, but from the perspective of an outsider looking in, they need more visibility, both within and outside of the aro community.

4. Recognition mostly, acknowledging that asexuals can’t keep putting their stuff into the aro tag, the fact that romance repulsed allo aros exist and are uncomfortable with allo aces putting their stuff everywhere

5. Aro specific places. I personally don't have to talk about sexuality in general areas but aroallo specific places/sites/tags for this would be great.

6. Dismantling the assumption that aromanticism is inherently linked to asexuality (even if it is for some individuals, it's most definitely not a hard rule that applies to everybody else), moving away from seeing aroace as the "default" aro experience and in fact not assuming one's other possible identities because they identify as aro at all

7. Not one myself - probably spaces to find safe hook-ups if desired, to talk amongst themselves

8. Less ace experience talking over aro experience. Also, not conflating the two identities as one.

9. I often feel ashamed of the allo part of my identity. I think more visibility would help a lot. It also took a very long time for me to even consider being aro because I was under the impression I had to be ace so separating those ideas would help.

10. As I’m not allo aro I can’t really say, but a lot of them have been speaking out and saying that they don’t want aro to automatically mean aroace, and that aromantism is not a sub sexuality is asexual

11. To talk about alloaro specific issues freely, and to not be assumed to be ace or to have to leave our sexualities at the door when entering aro spaces

12. Increased awareness that one can experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction

13. To be respected and given a aro-specific space/platform to discuss their needs/issues/etc

14. A space to not be: assumed ace, confused with aces, forced to avoid talking about how they want sex without romance and how that sexual desire affects them, etc. A space where they can find others like them to help them understand themselves better and make friendships and feel less isolated.

15. i'm not alloaro so i'm not going to speak for them but like. acknowledging that aro does not mean ace and allowing the aro community to exist outside of the ace umbrella is super important

What are the community needs of aroaces?

1. Recognition that aro is an equal and completely it's own community but that the community doesn't have to be completely separated.

2. Separated areas where uniquely aroace experiences can be discussed

3. Less infighting between the aromantic and asexual communities. You can and should call out hurtful behavior by the other community, but going into isolation mode leaves aroaces stuck in the middle of two sides retreating in on themselves. Aroace issues are aro issues! Aroace issues are ace issues!

4. Acknowledging that we occupy a unique overlap between the aro and ace communities that no other perioriented people experience (if we can even call ourselves perioriented, since we're basically forced to straddle two communities or else have one aspect of our identity erased); having spaces where we can talk about our aroaceness without having to separate out our identities, when we often can't

5. Well if you mean just "aroaces" who use it as one word for a convergent orientation they need a place where mixing up and "confusing" an experience as related to their aromanticism when it's more about being ace doesn't get aros yelling at them in the Tumblr tags that they shouldn't tag it aromanticism and they're stupid/horrible hurting aros when they do. They need a place where they can talk about their experiences as very interconnected and inseparable without offending people for whom they are separable. They likely mostly want to learn from allo aros and allo aces what it feels like to be allo so they better understand more of society and don't want to feel alienated from either community of aces as a whole or aros as a whole.

6. I just want some safe wholesome space. Since I joined the aro community on tumblr couple years back, it just feels like the community is defined by discourse, negativity, fights, petty disagreements and drama. I understand, the community is still in diapers and we need to figure ourselves out, but I feel like we've lost the way. Do we need to react to every troll and hater? Is seriously someone offended by them? Why do we legitimise and acknowledge them as part of the discussion? It's like giving an equal platform to scientists and flat earthers. Is this really how we want to be? If you try to think away all the drama stuff, what's left? Is there anything left at all?

7. The freedom to find their place in both ace/aro spaces and for people to allow them to use/not use the SAM as they see fit. Perhaps giving non-SAM aroaces some new language?

8. More community for aro aces. As an aro ace myself I always have to divide time between the aro and ace communities

9. a space where both identities are recognised as equally important - a space where aro identity isn't seen as a subset of ace identity, or deriving from it - somewhere they can express romance and sex repulsion or lack of thereof

10. A term that isn’t AroAce. Something that is not just a combination of aromantic and asexual. But to also not be a sub set of allo aro or allo ace. We shouldn’t need to choose which identity is more important and we shouldn’t have to use the SAM.

11. I think to recognize that there is an aroace spectrum. You can be mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc and still be aroace

12. Content that doesn't rely on "but we still experience x attraction!", tips for living alone/single, also tips for finding/being in a committed relationship such as a qpr (I personally want a relationship but I have no idea how to even start looking for one)

13. I am not aroace so my opinion should not carry as much weight as others but from what my aroace friends irl say, I think we need more recognition for oriented aroaces

14. To be able to talk about the intersection of our identities and how we are uniquely impacted by aphobia

15. Understanding that not all aroaces feel that their two identifiers hold equal value to them (e.g. aromantic as a primary identity with asexuality as a secondary identity). Letting people focus on the one identity over the other is not an exclusion on the other identity; their preferred identity is just more meaningful in their lifes and/or personal growth.

16. Available spaces that are not only sexualised spaces (eg clubs), options to avoid discussion of sex, being hit on if desired (colour code in mixed irl aro-spaces?)

17. Aroaces need a space where they don't have to pick between their aro and ace identities, as well as a space where sex and/or romance repulsed aroaces dont have to deal with romance or sex in any way

18. Idk, not aro ace but I would say recognition as well

19. Full disclosure, I've mostly stopped participating in the ace/aro communities of late (though I haven't stopped reading it) because it felt like every time aroaces spoke up, we were brushed aside or shrugged off because we were the "privileged" ones (in both aro and ace circles). That means I'm a bit out of the loop. I identify far more with my aromanticism than my asexuality, but I've definitely been made to feel that I'm somehow a negative influence on both communities because I technically belong to both. I feel bad enough discussing my identity outside of the ace and aro communities, particularly among queer friends - it feels like when I bring up aroace experiences, it's like I've doused the fire of whatever conversation I was in, and I don't feel like replicating that feeling by trying to talk about it on the 'net, too. So, I guess we mostly need acceptance. We need spaces where alloaros can talk about their experiences without feeling bombarded by aroaces, we need spaces where aroaces can talk about our experiences without feeling like we're marauding on allo experiences, and we need places where both sides can talk about our aromanticism as one community. We as aroaces need to do better about determining when to discuss our issues, and making sure we're discussing them within the communities they're relevant to, as well. I have a pretty solid handle on which aspects of my identity are informed by my aromanticism and which are informed by my asexuality, but that's not a universal experience. Plenty of people have issues separating the two, especially when they're missing both sexual AND romantic attraction. It's hard to determine which of those "missing" pieces are supposed to fit where, and it's important to understand and find a place for these people to post, as well. But ultimately there needs to be more acceptance and openess all around. And I have no idea how we can do all of this.

20. Often aro and ace-ness are inseparable to aroaceness and thus unless something is very specifically about sexual attraction aroaces need to have a sense of flexibility

21. Honestly, as a greyro-ace myself, I feel like aroaces are sort of the face of the community

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

1. it's all in the name 'non-SAM' for me. that it is assumed everyone has multiple attractions and/or labels themselves by them. it's use rather implies that the words aro or aromantic or aro-spec /don’t/ automatically include us. it's obviously a perspective change needed here, maybe a new term or descriptor as well? i don’t kno really but i hate the specification of — the expected /need to/ specify — non-SAM.

2. I'm gonna skip the other Qs b/c I don't think I can speak for SAM-using folks. Anyway, as a non-SAM aro I think some of my big things are 1. Recognizing that aromanticism can be its own identity without being split or modified 2. Ending the default assumption that I am ace, identify as ace, and know what the heck ace people need in their communities. 3. Recognizing and respecting aros who don't want or desire QPPs and making it clear that non-QPP friendships and family are not only as good as but can be just as fulfilling as other relationship models. 4. Including non-SAM people as part of our basic and default definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. 5. Making space for discussions of why microlabels don't work for everyone and why the SAM doesn't work for everyone 6. Making an active effort to make aspec spaces more accessible to folks who have just learned about aspec stuff, folks with cognitive and language disabilities, and non-native English speakers. And, like on a broad note, my autism makes it difficult for me to break my identity into tiny pieces. The aspec community's focus on microlabels and the split attraction model, plus the fact that the people participating in discussions often seem to be younger than me and just barely in the process of developing an identity that I've been comfortable in for many years, makes me feel isolated and alienated from the community. When I do participate, the complex and high-entry-level jargon that some members of the community use make it difficult for me to participate in community interactions, which leaves me feeling even more alienated.

3. again, not speaking over other people, but it's important to recognize that aromanticism is a full identity on its own and doesn't inherently require use of the SAM. breaking down the alloaro/aroace binary

4. It seems they want to just talk about aromanticism without having people judge which type of aro they are for if their views count etc. They want more than anyone for aces to be better allies when it comes to LGBTQIA arguing where the A doesn't mean Ally and rather asexual that there needs to be room for the queerness of aromanticism in the LGBTQ+ umbrella. They more than anyone will always need aromantic specific everything - recognition, representation, communities, where no one expects you to also be something else

5. For myself, mostly non binary language and less assumptions that all aros ID with the SAM would be helpful, also acknowlement that non-SAM aros may have differing experiences as a group. This sounds small, and honestly it is, but the unintended consequence of binary language addressing only 'aroaces' and 'aroallos' that I've seen is that spaces can become increasingly polarized between different split attractions and then I've just kind of slipped through the gap in between. It's just my personal experience, of course, but honestly just including this box in the survey is a great start.

6. In-space focuses and new language.

7. More awareness

8. A space where we don't feel the need to express ace/allo identity alongside our aro identity

9. To not get caught in an alloaro Vs aroace war that they can't pick a side for, is probably one.

10. We just need ppl to stop kind of adding us in a sentence in their post or say 'not everyone uses the sam' I wish we could have more discussions on why the sam doesn't really work for us or how we're left out from the community as a whole.

11. Acceptance of just being aro. Aromantic is a whole independent identity despite where it was born.

12. A space to talk about how the ace community has harmed them or made them feel unwelcome without aroaces or alloaces acting like it is an insult

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

1. Understanding that not everyone is completely aro or that their romantic attraction levels change.

2. providing spaces to talk about experiences with romantic attraction/relationships

3. I'm in this group. I need to feel like it's ok that aromanticism stay a spectrum and some aros are "more ace" (I'm sex-averse etc) than clearly aro (I might choose to date) and to not feel like people are accusing me of being alloromantic when I don't feel alloro. If people make sweeping statements about aros that don't include me or sweeping statements about alloros that do cover my experiences, it is hurtful and invalidating of my identity. And it even can make me doubt myself which isn't fair after I've spent years figuring myself out. I want a happy community that can get along and not hate aces preemptively before any of the select aces they're talking to did anything wrong. Who can forgive aces who make mistakes but who want to be better allies. I'm an ace and an aro-spec person. I'm an ally to aros who aren't gray but all forms of people being an ally takes some learning curve. Understanding that can go a long way.20 hours agoMore awareness21 hours agomore discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor alloa day ago- a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledgeda day agoIdk I'm not on the speca day agoMore content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be greata day agoacknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.a day agoN/aa day agoTheir own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.a day agoNot greyro, likewise not my place to comment.2 days agoThe aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.2 days agoUh2 days agoArospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction2 days agoI think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition 2 days ago

4. More awareness

5. more discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor allo

6. a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledged

7. More content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be great

8. acknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.

9. Their own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.

10. The aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.

11. Arospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction

12. I think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

1. what we need across the board is recognition, compassion, and dissemination.

2. More aro recognition and its own and equal but not completely seperate from ace (for aro aces) community.

3. To discuss their experiences with the lack of romantic attraction and amatonormativity, amongst other General arospec issues

4. safe spaces to talk about being aro and all of the ways it intersects with other aspects of our identity; representation and advocacy

5. Neutral aro-spec spaces where all intersectionality is equally accepted but also not the main topic or qualifier; recognition of a broad range of experiences; recognition of specific language and acknowledgment of their existences; facilitated ability to speak about more specific or 'niche' topics

6. Recognition in queer spaces and healthy dialogue about language.

7. i think we all want a platform for our specific topics and we want recognition, but also community

8. A space where romance repulsion is acknowledged and respected - a space where aro identity is prioritised, no matter what other identities go along with it, if there are any at all

9. To move forward in our activism to make aromanticism more well known and more accepted in society?? And to have a safe place to go after a day of dealing with amatonormativity and aphobia.

10. To make ourselves exist outside the definition of asexual

11. I think all the communities/identities need to recognize that there is a problem. If we unite with each other and have so much love and understanding in the form of unity, I think a lot of these problems will resolve themselves.

12. Visibility?

13. make sure we understand each other's experiences and what makes everyone feel included / excluded. We need to make that we sure we own up if we excluded someone, and that we try to fix it.

14. Visibility is my greatest concern for all aspects of aro and arospec problems.

15. Aces need to stop speaking for them. Aro-spec and aro people can speak for themselves on their own experiences. Additionally, aroaces need to focus more on the aro identity (whether it's primary or secondary to them) when it involves aro discourse. They can have a focus on their ace identity only with the exception that both identities are heavily tied to each other and both identities are discussed. Again, this is specifically for aro-specific discourse.

16. Discussion of amatonormativity, experiences with pressure to find partners

17. A creation of a unified aro space that includes and supports *anybody* identifying as aro or arospec

18. The validity of aro identities shaping gender identities. I believe I'm nb in large part because of aromanticism.

19. All four of these groups need visibility and more in person communities

20. Allo aces need to stop taking over everything is the overarching problem when you think about it, they also need to stop throwing aros under the bus

21. We ALL need more visibility. We need voices that aren't reliant on the ace community to speak for us as an afterthought, and I say that AS an ace. We need to talk about aromanticism as a whole. And we need to do so proudly and informatively. I've noticed that it's really, really hard to talk about aromanticism without making it sound like I'm demonizing romantic attraction, and that's a dangerous treading ground within the queer community. There's been a lot of negatively portraying queer romantice from outside of the community, and we need to make sure we're not stepping on those land mines, but we do need our voices heard on aromanticism and amatonormativity, too. Also, we need to hold fast to QPRs and squishes (and, imo, aplatonic) and not let those ideas get swept out with the discourse trash. We also need to support both the aros who want and have QPRs, and the aros who want nothing to do with them. I see a lot of support for aros in various forms of non-romantic (and sometimes romantic) relationships, but very little for aros who choose to fly solo, and what that means in a world that expects you to pair up.

22. I do think we need to be more openly vocal about our separateness from the ace community, though it seems to be tearing aroaces apart at the seams

23. A space to discuss aromanticism - however people experience it - in a space were others are opening and welcoming. Possibly also older members of the community giving advice to newer members who are struggling to come to terms with their aromanticism in a society so focused on romance

24. I feel like a lot of aros are frustrated with their experiences being mislabeled as ace experiences, or having the assumption that aro and ace experiences are basically the same

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

1. make sure you aren’t in an echochamber? share/create content for orientations other than your own? be kind? remember that when we're fighting it's kind of over scraps and we deserve better? i'm not sure honestly but i really think a lot of this comes down to perspective. plus remember the block button exists lol. i'm talking about things all on a personal, individual level and i don’t kno how to effect anything otherwise. how about a content creation week where the subject is an orientation other than your own? with emphasis on asking questions to get shit right. it'd be a learning experience that builds community. i can't think of a thing to answer this question on a larger scale ://

2. We accept that some people see their aro and/or ace identitie/s seperate and some don't. Also that some only have one of these identities. And we spread aro recognition.

3. Equal education and resources for all parts of the aro spectrum

4. Cut it out with the pack instinct. Aces and aros snarling at eachother really freaks out aroaces.

5. it's impossible to curate a monolithic online space that will meet the needs of every single member of the aro community. what's important is acknowledging your own biases and hearing out the perspectives of others who differ from you, and not generalizing your own experiences/needs/perspectives to the community as a whole. we can create more subgroup-oriented spaces all we want, but at the end of the day we're still part of the same larger aro community and in order for that to work out the best thing we can do is just listen to each other.

6. Appropriate tagging has been brought up before, perhaps a reworked umbrella tag system? Again more neutral spaces; appropriate tagging for repulsion and aversion and on the other end acceptance of a variety of topics (i.e. some people will be talking about sex and that's good and healthy, as long as it's tagged there shouldn't be an issue with that); more specific and intersectional spaces; less verbal conflation of ace and aro though I think that's been getting better? Then again a big problem is the aroace split between two communities. I unfortunately do not have any ideas for that

7. Provide and Aro-specific online space similar to AVEN.

8. trying to give a more equal focus to different subgroups maybe? coming together and caring about those whose experiences are slightly different from ours and giving them a platform too. encouraging diversity

9. i'm not sure but it starts by making spaces outside of discourse. blogs like "aro-soulmate-project" are especially important to me because they address not only intra and outside community issues, but because they create aro identity at the same time people interact.

10. Idk put everything in the tag it belongs in (aroace content in aro, ace and aroace tags, general aro content in aro aroace and alloaro tags, and alloaro content in aro and alloaro tags, etc) and stop harassing each other. Groups might benefit from ace chat channels and allosexual chat channels? But idk if that's too divisive in some opinions

11. Group chats? More posts combining the communities? Spreading the love to everybody everywhere!

12. Open discussion

13. Since aro communities are extremely small and have been largely ignored-even by the a-spec community-it is up to the a-spec (yes, this includes alloaces) community to be more inclusive when making a-spec positive/information posts while also making more efforts to reblog diverse aro discourse so that aro people get a chance to speak.

14. Different tags/ smaller chatrooms. Probably tags people can follow or block

15. Better tagging systems, breaking down assumptions and not projecting one's one experience of identity onto everybody else who happens to be aro, creating sub-communities that are specifically suited for a specific subgroup's needs while still being united as the general aro community

16. On tumblr, proper tagging of content.

17. I think something that would actually help is like an aroace specific forum. We have arocalypse but that seems to be mostly alloaros and I want a forum where I can be aroace and not have to pick sides

18. Tag things accordingly

19. As I mentioned before, I'm not really involved in community discussions beyond reading about them, but coming up with a standard tagging system seems to be a start.

20. Often these needs have been met, though there could be a better job of say tagging 'romance' for repulsed aros and we need to open up space for both romo repulsed and positive to speak at the same time

21. I don't know. The internet is too big to manage. I think of the internet as more of many different spaces

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

1. Represent everyone, let people speak, let people correct you, aim to make friends, remember that we're all under the A together.

2. Same as above

3. Stop generalizing and start being inclusive with language. There’s a big difference.

4. Listen, if no one ever walks up to me and says "Hey, [name], you're ace right?" just because I told them I was aro and they forgot, I will be happy.

5. i suppose the same rules apply. listening, providing spaces for subgroups to talk about specific issues, etc.

6. Similar to previous answer, but spaces advertised as neutral or with multiple groups need to be more explicit in inclusion of a variety of experiences and topics. There are ways to manage this so everyone is in understanding and comfortable, namely just good communication (hence being explicit) and systems of feedback

7. Queer spaces just need to be informed that the usual a-spec narrative is not the only one. But this will change as people share their experiences.

8. more aro awareness alongside but also differentiated from ace awareness, and all this coupled with a focus on acceptance rather than identification

9. A case by case basis? I guess? It'd depend on the scope of the space

10. Booths at Pride recognizing the lesser known orientations. Doesn’t even have to be booths! Pins, stickers, t-shirts work just fine. Maybe a logo for a-spec, aro-spec, and aroace staying that we are all united.

11. have info that includes all of us eg. pamphlets don't have the ace flag everywhere and acknowledge that their are aspecs who experience romantic or sexual attraction, and that not everyone uses the sam.

12. I have only come across one aspec space in-person but it is in the form of a discussion group and everyone is allo ace so I feel extremely unwelcome. I wish there were more resources about aromanticism I could bring to these groups.

13. For one: language is important. Renaming everything to a-spec meetups/groups instead of ace meetups/groups makes the other identity more welcomed and higher possibilities of growing the community. Again, there are more aces out there than aros at the moment, so it is up to those ace groups to make it more inclusive to all a-spec people. We're a community in this together wheter you feel a certain identity or not. That's what being Queer's all about.

14. Create an aro-space first... Then events for sub-groups only where they can talk amongst themselves but also community events

15. Have a large variety of arospec spaces to choose from so that everyone can have their needs met

16. Talk about all aspects, let people voice their experiences and find common ground

17. I don't participate in in-person communities. Partly because I'm not out to more than just a few friends, and partly because I wouldn't want to go to one and be the stereotypical aroace. I feel both far too representative of both the aro and ace communities, and also not part of either. And thanks to the discourse, I'm not convinced I'd be welcome at a queer meetup at all. In addition, I've already mentioned before that just bringing up my experiences as either an ace or an aro tends to be a conversation-killer. So, I guess it rolls back around to visibility. Making others aware of our existence so that when aro experiences DO come up in in-person conversations, we can avoid the uncomfortable, awkward silences that follow. And I think that can only be done by talking about them.

18. I'll eat my hat the day that I manage to find a sizable in-person space for aces or aros

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

1. I believe this question is far too subjective to each instance that has and will pop up. Which is no help unfortunately.

2. We accept that sometimes someone needs these needs and someone else needs other needs. Also we ask what people's needs are before we assume their needs.

3. By talking out our issues civilly and talking about what bothers us so we can accommodate and adapt as needed if needed, and filter out people who just make the community toxic.

4. Live and let live. Talk it out. Find a solution rather than growing increasingly angry. Literally anything that’s not cocooning away in indignation, we are supposed to be a community.

5. i don't think our needs actually conflict, for the most part. with the exception of greyro/arospec folks needing space to talk about romance and romance repulsed folks needing to get away from it. but that can be solved by tagging things (at least in the case of online spaces). i think a lot of our perceived conflict comes from the conflation of different issues. for example, giving alloaros room to exist apart from asexuality and giving aroaces room to navigate that awkward space in between aren't inherently mutually exclusive. i recognize that striking that sort of balance is easier said than done, but i think if it were easy we wouldn't be having this discussion at all. we're a diverse population and our needs are ALWAYS going to differ. but we're also always going to overlap in a lot of ways, which is why the aro community exists to begin with.

6. Imagine you have a spoiled child. You can do everything in your power to give them what they need. Do you think it will be ever enough? Oh, but what's worse, by concentrating on the spoiled child, you completely forgot you have a second one, starving in the corner.

7. Give each person a choice in the language they use and don't force anyone into an identity/stereotype of aspec experience that doesn't fit. Just listen to people.

8. By giving space for both and working out compromises or plans of action

9. Definitely not fuckin argue for weeks and attack one another, discourse only fragments our tiny movement

10. Set up a time for when allo aro can talk about their experience and the way their identities interact. This lets aroace choose whether they want to come or not. The usual meeting should be a time where any aroace, allo aro, and non-sam using aro can talk about being aro. Or for aros to just meet and interact.

11. a group discussion where everyone can share their experiences but also safe spaces for aroaces / alloaces / nonsam aros /grayros to talk so ppl can discuss if someone hurt them or made them feel excluded in the group discussion and so they can talk about things that are specific to their smaller communities

12. Open discussion and properly tagging things

13. Aro people have been patient. Ace and ace-spec people need to recognize that their exclusive behaviors are mirroring the same horrible mentality that exclusionists in the LGBT+ have. Also recognize that ignoring (or consistently forgetting) the identity is a form of the excluding that identity in regards to posts that are suppose to be a-spec/Queer/LGBTIA+ positive/informative.

14. Respect and communication, separate spaces when necessary

15. Creating sub-communities that can prioritize a specific group's needs in that space while not conflicting with the general aro community.

16. Idk like listen to eachother?

17. The people who have a problem avoid? Idk

18. honestly don't know. I absolutely understand the frustrations of alloaros getting ace posts in the aro tags, and I understand the frustrations of aroaces posting their experiences and being told those tags don't belong. I think the ace community as a whole needs to be made aware that the aro tag is not a dumping ground for ace-specific posts, and that if they want to include support and positivity and include the aro tag, then the post needs to INCLUDE US. I think a lot of frustration on all sides right now is that aromanticism comes off as asexuality's afterthought, and I don't think any of us as aros feel that way. I don't think we need a full break from the ace community, and I think we need to stop blaming aroaces when we make relevant posts to the aro tag, since I suspect quite a bit of this issue is from people who legitimately don't realize that aro tags are not the same as ace tags (i.e. ace positivity blogs that post something relevant to ace experiences and think they're being inclusive by "including" aros, because "we're all aspec, just swap out the 'sexual attraction' for 'romantic attraction'!"). But I, as an ace, am of the opinion that the ace community as a whole needs a solid kick in the pants to get them to work with us on cleaning up the tags and acknowledging that aros aren't just aces with a word swap, that we have our own significantly different concerns and ways to navigate the world that aces can't understand. But here's the problem, too. The ace community is one of the larger "aro" voices right now because the aro community is really quiet. Yes, we have our voices, but if you go looking for ace spaces, you find them. You find them in spades. You go looking for aro spaces? You have to dig. You almost have to know what you're looking for before you can find it. I see aros submitting asks on ace blogs, asking where to go to find aro-specific blogs, and there's always only a handful of suggestions. I think a lot of the reason aroaces seem so visible is because we -are- in the ace spaces, talking, and the ace spaces are big. The aromantic community's biggest priority right now is to grow and be heard.

19. fuck idk tbh the most we can really do is post about it and hope people see and listen

#aromantic #alloaro #aroace #arospec #greyro #greyromantic #non-sam aro #aro #long post #this ace blabbers #Community Discussion

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hiddenbeats247 · 4 years

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Spotlight - Charles Cleyn

Today our Spotlight – Charles Cleyn. I have to admit I didn’t know much about Charles when I was first approached about an interview. After a little digging around I certainly found out some interesting stuff. It was great getting to spend a few moments talking with Charles about his music and his moves he's made to pursue his career. Check out what he had to say.

You often talk fondly of your childhood/early years listening to music with your siblings at home; Clapton, the Beatles, and the like, were you each pretty steadfast in your lanes, or were all 3 of you pretty wild when it came to music choice, playing, etc (there were 5 kids) Growing up I rarely heard anything too experiential around the house. All of our tastes fell under a similar umbrella. My parents had their “go to’s” which would be on our 6-disc CD rack and we’d have them on repeat in the living room. The oldest, Trish, was a lover of musical theatre so there was a non stop echo in the house of Disney Classics or the entire collection of Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat. When Mom and Dad were out my brother and I would put on Cream or Sergeant Peppers and this is the music I loved growing up. My younger sisters followed in the footsteps of Trish which meant much more singing! You mentioned that when you were in high school didn’t really pursue music due to a lack of faith/confidence in yourself, until your year end talent show. What finally pushed you to take the leap and go for it? It’s hard to nail down one event. I think it was a matter of time. Socially, I was a self-confidence late bloomer and a quiet kid growing up but internally I was very comfortable with who I was. I just needed time to let other people see who I was. I thought the talent show would be a great time to show people I played piano. You get a lot of praise for taking the plunge and leaving Shopify to pursue your music career. Would you have been that ready and comfortable had you not had the financial backing of years working at Shopify? Probably not. But I took way more out of Shopify than it gave back to me. And it wasn’t money. It was knowledge. I was lucky enough to be an early employee which gave me the flexibility to do many jobs. During my last two years at Shopify I worked at the executive level and I saw everything there was building and managing a multi billion dollar company. I felt comfortable to leave because I knew I had the business experience to make something work in the music industry. Berlin is a huge cultural melting pot, and home to a number of international expats, can you tell us more about the arts and music scene there? How it varies from Canada? Berlin is just cool. It reflects coolness off of everything. Unfortunately, there’s no city like this in Canada. I wish. There is a huge support for local live music. You could play a show every night if you wanted to. Everyone has their own style and nobody cares what that is. It’s really the original hipster. A lot of cities try to be cool but Berlin isn’t trying. It just is. What was it like trying to bridge back to Canada after living in Berlin as long as you were? Canada is home so I feel comfortable here but I still spend a lot of time in Berlin and I’m currently working with three different German producers so I still feel tied to the European culture. Berlin is relaxed but still competitive and it’s a great balance, something I will hope to keep with me in Canada. Your youtube channel - A - Has a whole host of videos, covering a wide gamut of options from how-to’s for begginers, how do you think the online world is changing music appreciation from living rooms with siblings to learning and getting that confidence at a much younger age? B - Has honest comparisons between different music platforms (Spotify, Soundcloud, Tidal, etc) what was the motivation behind pointing that out? And does it have anything to do with hammering it home to newer musicians that they wont make money off their music via said platforms? I create youtube videos because I genuinely like doing it but I think it’s a great channel to build an audience as a musician which has a far bigger organic each than platforms like Facebook or Instagram. I’m still testing out a wide variety of content to see what works and what sticks which is why right now my content might seem a little all over the place. You got to throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall and then double down on whatever sticks. If an independent musician doesn't have a youtube channel, they need to start now.

You’ve played LIVE! On Elgin, Queen St. fare, what are some other local spots you enjoy here in Ottawa, music or otherwise? Live on Elgin is probably my favourite because of its size, sound quality, and support for local musicians. Rainbow Bistro will always have a soft spot in my heart. I’ve gone to many shows there on random Saturday nights. I’ll never say no to a burger at the Manx or Brunch at the Pump. Your song “Keep On” is hauntingly beautiful, what was the process like writing it? It seems incredibly personal about tenacity? Keep On is one of my favourites. It was the first song I wrote where I thought, “hey, this is actually pretty good”. I wrote it in my apartment on the keyboard in the fall. It was pouring out and I was trying to figure out the next step with music. I had no idea what to do but to just keep going and hope that doors will open. I’ve stuck by this until today, all I try to do is keep building, keep moving, and put the trust in the process. Your song “Nothing but Glory” is equally as catchy, listening to it gives a lot of homage to bluegrass and soul music? Tell us more about that Nothing but the Glory was my first co-written song from scratch so it brings three writers perspectives and experiences into it. That’s why I think we got this sound. It was a great experience and I’ve co-written most of my songs since then to get a more diverse sound and to also learn how other writers work. Your song “Sorry” is an unbelievably cute love story even though you didn’t work. Was it about someone in particular, an amalgamation of relationships? Sorry was more of an amalgamation of relationships and actually not being sorry about it anymore. Forgive and forget and then move on. It’s personal but it also draws from other experiences too. Most of my songs start personal and then I embellish them to tell a more captivating story. If you had dream collab, who would it be and why? It would be John Mayer, Justin Bieber, and Ed Sheehan. Very random. John for his jaw-dropping guitar chops and rootsy vibes. Ed for his incredible melodies and Justin for his angelic voice. I think it would be full of laughs.

What can expect from you for 2020, and how has all travel being grounded affected those plans and goals? I’m going to release 7 singles in 2020. My plan was to start releasing songs in April but things shifted. It’s been difficult to finish songs in the studio and obviously play shows since the outbreak of Covid-19. I have an EU tour in June which will likely be cancelled. We plan to tour Canada in October as well and we’re hoping it can happen. In general, the new songs are even more personal and I think it’s the closet style I’ve got to yet in my writing and production. I can’t wait for people to hear them. It’s real quality and I’ve had a great team behind me of songwriters and producers to get them past the finish line. What would you like to tell your fans? Send me a message, send me an email, I want to talk 1:1 with more of my fans because I can. I’m not a superstar so I have the time and capacity to do so. This is a unique one as our Spotlight - Charles Cleyn who has ties in both Berlin and Canada and We want to thank Charles for sending some time with us. Make sure to keep up with Charles for upcoming shows including a tour here in Canada. https://www.charlescleyn.com/

For your own Spotlight send us a message now! Contact us here Read the full article

#articles #Interview #Spotlight

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thecourtneychronicles · 4 years

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“Courtney Act says she’s enjoying an endless “hot girl summer”. Which, for those not initiated into American rap memes, basically means she’s having a damn good time.

“I’m kind of lubed up and ready for Mardi Gras, so to speak,” she says. As Australia’s most famous drag queen, active since the turn of the century, Courtney helped lead the mainstreaming of queer culture in this country along with figures such as Carlotta and Bob Downe.

But being a leader or pioneer doesn’t guarantee being comfortable in your own skin. Courtney says that until recently her understanding of sexuality and gender was actually quite limited. When she was performing, she was a woman, but when she stripped off her make-up, she went back to being Shane Jenek, a man.

“Although I did drag, my masculinity and femininity were compartmentalised in the binary,” Courtney says.

But over the past few years, as public discussion of gender, sexuality and identity has grown, she has discovered things are more complex than your genitals, clothes and hair.

“I think sometimes people think identity has something to do with the wrapping, but really it’s the gift underneath,” she says. “It’s about how you feel. For me, I definitely feel like I occupy masculine and feminine qualities.”

Courtney explores this journey in her pop-cabaret show, Fluid, showing this week at the Eternity Playhouse in Darlinghurst as part of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras festival. It’s a change of pace for her after focusing on television in recent years; first by winning Britain’s Celebrity Big Brother in 2018, then as the runner-up (with Joshua Keefe) on last year’s Australian Dancing with the Stars.

It’s also a far cry from her humble beginnings in the DIY world of drag, which has never been regarded as high art but remains a staple of gay bars and culture worldwide.

“There’s a lot less hot glue and sticky tape in this show, which makes it feel a lot more professional,” Courtney says of Fluid. “I don’t know if that will hold until opening night.”

Set to original music, Fluid was written by Shane and American comedian Brad Loekle. For the most part it’s a one-woman show, with some help from a ballroom dancer in the second half. (“It’d be weird doing a ballroom dance by yourself,” she says.)

The show acknowledges that, more than ever, people are being flooded with “ever-changing and flowing ideas of who we are, what we are and what we might become”.

This is something we should embrace, says Courtney. “We change our clothes every day – we change our hairstyles, we change our jobs. Everything is constantly in motion and constantly fluid. But we have this idea that our identities are fixed. When we look at our lives they’re actually a lot more fluid than we think.”

Courtney, or Shane, doesn’t identify as trans but has said that seeing more transgender people represented in the media was liberating and allowed her to explore her own doubts about gender. She’s previously been described as “gender fluid, pansexual and polyamorous”, although she no longer embraces those labels as she once did.

“They all work,” says Courtney, who prefers to identify as “just generally queer” these days. “It’s funny … so many of our groups identify so strongly with labels and they’re so important to us. I kind of feel less attached to those labels.”

She also understands why some people might feel confused, or even confronted, by the politics of queer identification. The acronym LGBTQIA+, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual and others, has expanded over the years to the point that some critics deride it as “alphabet soup”. Even those who are part of the community can be intolerant.

“I get that LGBTIQA+ is a little cumbersome from a marketing standpoint,” says Courtney. “But if you find yourself with the time to complain and be confused by a few extra letters, then you’re one of the lucky ones. If there are people that get to understand themselves more because of a letter in an acronym, I’m all for it.”

“I definitely feel like I occupy masculine and feminine qualities.”

Courtney casts a sceptical eye over everything, including the rise of cancel culture, a predominantly left-wing phenomenon which argues that anyone who says or does something deemed to be racist, sexist, homophobic or in any way offensive should be called out, shamed and, preferably, silenced.

Lamenting the state of political discourse while appearing on the ABC’s Matter of Fact program last year, she said: “The volume’s too loud now and everybody’s yelling.” While history showed that people sometimes need to raise their voices, “when you actually sit down opposite someone and have a conversation with them, you get so much further”.

How, then, does Courtney view the debate over religious freedom that has raged ever since Australians voted to legalise same-sex marriage in 2017? She says it’s clear that sometimes people, especially older white males, perceive other people gaining rights as a threat to their own. She says religion can be a lost cause because it is, by definition, about faith rather than rational argument. Still, queer people have to make the effort to engage.

“The way to do that is to get people to picture themselves in other people’s experiences. That’s the only way you can foster that empathy.

“Rather than yelling aggressively back at the people trying to oppress us, I think the most important thing to do is to share our stories.”

Another thing you can do, of course, is march. This weekend, Mardi Gras culminates in the annual parade up Oxford Street, which will feature more than 200 floats and 10,000 marchers. For the first time, Courtney will co-host the coverage on SBS with comedians Joel Creasey and Zoe Coombs Marr, and Studio 10 presenter Narelda Jacobs.

She had something of a practice run hosting the coverage on Foxtel some years ago. “I saw a clip of it the other day,” she says. “And I’m definitely hoping to redeem myself.”

As a character, Courtney has been on the gay scene for about 20 years. The person behind the facade, Shane, turned 38 last week. He grew up in Brisbane and remembers watching the parade on television as a teenager in the 1990s, huddled up close to the TV so he could quickly switch it off if his parents came downstairs.

Shane came to Sydney when he was 18 and attended his first Mardi Gras. “I just remember it was such a melting pot of people,” he says. “It was the first time I really understood what a community was: that there were all these different parts, and we all faced different challenges and struggles.”

But even then, Shane says he failed to really comprehend about what Mardi Gras was all about. Just like many heterosexual critics over the years, as a young man he gawked at the giant dancing penises, fetish-wear and nudity and wondered: why?

“I remember thinking: why can’t they just be normal?” Shane says. “Have your parade, but why does it have to be about sex and penises? Because I had shame about all of those things. I realise now that the parade’s brash display of sexuality liberates the shame … it’s a really radical way to shake people and say there’s nothing wrong with sexuality – not just homosexuality but sexuality in general.”

The queer community has given Shane a lot: acceptance, identity, a career and fame. It has taken him to Los Angeles, where he was based for some years until 2018, and now to his new home in London.

Love, on the other hand, remains elusive. He is “on the rebound” at the moment, though eternally optimistic. “It’s Mardi Gras time, it’s summer in Sydney, I think this is the perfect time to be single. Maybe I’ll find love under a disco ball at the after-party.”

Incredibly, at 38, Shane is about to attend his first ever wedding, straight or gay – his friend Tim is marrying his partner Ben. It is set to be a baptism of fire. “They have asked my ex-boyfriend and me to give the best man’s speech together, which could be slightly sadistic,” he says.

Shane is still adjusting to the relatively new world of same-sex marriage. It’s not for everyone – many queers still think of it as a conservative and unnecessary institution – but it’s growing on him. “Weirdly, seeing all these people get married, I feel like my cold heart has melted a bit,” he says. “I think there’s something really beautiful about marriage.”

It’s a reminder of why events like the Mardi Gras are still so important – a celebration of diversity at the same time as the old divisions between straight and gay are knocked down. As well as marriage, this can manifest in small shifts, like the politics of Bondi Beach.

“I was at North Bondi on Saturday [and] it was surprisingly unlike North Bondi,” Shane says. “It was all families and those banana umbrella things. I was like, ‘Oh, I remember when this used to be [gay nightclub] ARQ, but with more light.’"

“I guess that’s the progress we fought for – the families are happy occupying the gay beaches now.”

Fashion director Penny McCarthy. Photographer Steven Chee. Hair Benjamin Moir at Wigs By Vanity.

SBS’s Mardi Gras broadcast airs live from 7.30pm on February 29. Fluid will return for a tour of Australia and NZ in spring.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale February 23.”

Courtney’s interview for The Sydney Morning Herald - February 21, 2020

#ca interview #21.02.20 #courtney act #sydney mardi gras

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writemarcus · 4 years

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Watch This Space: Playwrights Train for All Media

As dramatists begin to write for all media, the nation’s playwriting programs are starting to teach beyond the stage.

BY MARCUS SCOTT

In 2018, a record 495 original scripted series were released across cable, online, and broadcast platforms, according to a report by FX Networks. And with the growing popularity of streaming services such as Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon (not to mention new players like Disney and Apple), a whopping 146 more shows are up and running on various platforms now than were on air in 2013. So how does peak TV relate to theatre?

Once a way for financially strapped playwrights to land stable income and adequate health insurance, television has since emerged as a rewarding venue for ambitious dramatists looking to forge lifetime careers as working writers. Playwright Tanya Saracho is the current showrunner for “Vida” on Starz. Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa is the series developer of “Riverdale” and “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.” Sheila Callaghan is executive producer of the long-running black comedy “Shameless.” Sarah Treem, co-creator and showrunner of “The Affair,” recently concluded the Rashomon-esque psychological drama in November.

To satiate demand for more content, showrunners have sought to recruit emerging playwrights to fill their writers’ rooms. It’s now common practice for them to read plays or spec scripts penned prior to a writer’s graduation.

Many aspiring playwrights have caught on, enrolling in drama school intent on flirting with virtually every medium under the umbrella of the performing arts. Several institutions around the country have become gatekeepers for the hopeful—post-graduate MFA boot camps bestowing scribes with the Aristotelian wisdom of plot, character, thought, diction, and spectacle before they’re dropped into the school of hard knocks that is the modern American writers’ room. Indeed, since our culture has emerged from the chrysalis of peak TV, playwriting programs have begun training students for a career that includes not only the stage but multiple mediums, including the screen.

Playwright Zayd Dohrn, who has served as both chair of Northwestern University’s radio/TV/film department and director of the MFA in writing for screen and stage since 2016, said versatility is the strongest tool in the kit of the program’s students.

“We offer classes in playwriting, screenwriting and TV writing, as well as podcasts, video games, interactive media, stand-up, improv, and much more,” he explained. “There’s no one way to approach the craft, and we offer world-class faculty with diverse backgrounds, professional experiences, and perspectives, so students can be exposed to the full range of professional and artistic practice.”

Dominic Taylor, vice chair of graduate studies at UCLA School of Theater, Film and Television in California, also agrees that multiplicity is the key to the survival of a working writer. “In the industries today, whether one is breaking a story in a writers’ room or writing coverage as an assistant, the ability to recognize and manipulate structure is paramount,” Taylor said. “The primary skill, aside from honing excellent social skills, would be to continue to study the forms as they emerge. Read scripts and note differences and strengths of form to the individual’s skill set. For example, the multi-cam network comedy is very different from the single-cam comedy—‘The Conners’ versus ‘Modern Family,’ let’s say. It’s not just the technology; it is the pace of the comedy.”

Taylor, a distinguished multi-hyphenate theatre artist working on both coasts, said that schools like UCLA offer a lot more than classes, including one with Phyllis Nagy (screenwriter of Carol). UCLA’s program also partners with its film school, and hires professional directors to work with playwrights to develop graduate student plays for productions at UCLA’s one-act festival, ONES, or its New Play Festival. Taylor also teaches four separate classes on Black theatre, giving students the opportunity to study the likes of Alice Childress, Marita Bonner, and Angelina Weld Grimké in a university setting (a rarity outside of historically Black colleges and universities).

Dohrn, a prominent playwright who is currently developing a feature film for Netflix and has TV shows in development at Showtime, BBC America, and NBC/Universal, said that television, like theatre, needs people who can create interesting characters and tell compelling stories, who have singular, unique voices—all of which are emphasized in playwriting training.

“Playwrights are not just good at writing dialogue—they are world creators who bring a unique vision to the stories they tell,” Dohrn emphasized. “More than anything else, a writer needs to develop his/her/their unique voice. Craft can be taught, but talent and creativity are the most important thing for a young writer.”

For playwright David Henry Hwang, who joined the faculty at Columbia University School of the Arts as head of the playwriting MFA program in 2014, success should be a byproduct, not a destination. “As a playwright, I don’t believe it’s possible to ‘game’ the system—i.e., to try and figure out how to write something ‘successful,’” he said. “The finished play is your reward for taking that journey. The thing that makes you different, and uniquely you, is your superpower as a dramatist, because it is the key to writing the play only you can write. Ironically, by focusing not on success but on what you really care about, you are more likely to find success.”

Since arriving at Columbia, one of Hwang’s top priorities was to expand the range of TV writing classes. This led to the creation of separate TV sub-department “concentrations,” housed in both the theatre and film programs. All playwriting students are required to take some television classes.

“We are at a rather anomalous moment in playwriting history, where the ability to write plays is actually a monetizable skill,” said Hwang, whose TV credits include Treem’s “The Affair.” “Playwrights have become increasingly valuable to TV because it has traditionally been a dialogue-driven medium (though shows like ‘Game of Thrones’ push into more cinematic storytelling language), and playwrights are comfortable being in production (unlike screenwriters, some of whom never go to set). Once TV discovered playwrights, we became more valuable for feature films as well.”

Playwrights aren’t the only generative theatremakers moving to the screen. Masi Asare is an assistant professor at Northwestern’s School of Communication, which teaches music theatre history, music theatre writing and composition, and vocal performance. The award-winning composer-lyricist, who recently saw her one-act Mirror of Most Value: A Ms. Marvel Play published by Marvel/Samuel French, said that the world of musical theatre is not all that different either; it’s experiencing a resurgence in both cinema and the small screen: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, Justin Hurwitz, and Benj Pasek and Justin Paul have all written songs that were nominated for or won Oscars. The growth of YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter have offered new ways for musical theatre graduates to market and monetize their songs and build an audience.

“The feeling that a song has to ‘work’ behind a microphone in order to be a good song is really having an impact on young writers,” said Asare. “The song must sound and look good in this encapsulated video that will be posted on the songwriters’ website and circulated via social media.” She noted that in this case, the medium of video is also changing the medium of musical theatre itself. “Certainly it may lead to different kinds of musicals—who knows? New experimentation can be exciting, but I think there is a perception that all you have to have is a series of good video clips to be a songwriter for the musical theatre, a musical storyteller. I think that does something of a disservice to rising composers and lyricists.”

Some playwriting students, of course, are not interested in learning about how to write for television. But many who spoke for this story agreed that learning about the different ways of storytelling can be beneficial. One program in particular that has its eyes on the multiplicity of storytelling mediums is the Writing for Performance program at the California Institute of the Arts. Founded by playwright Suzan-Lori Parks in 2001 as a synergy of immersive environments, visual art installation, screenplay, and the traditional stage play, the program has helped students and visiting artists alike transcend theatrical conventions. Though Parks is no longer on the CalArts faculty, her spirit still infuses the program. As Amanda Shank, assistant dean of the CalArts School of Theater, puts it, “Every time she came to the page, there was a real fidelity to the impulse of what she was trying to communicate with the play, and the form followed that. It’s not her trying to write a ‘correct’ kind of play or to lay things bare in a certain prescribed way.”

That instinct is in the life fiber of CalArts’s Special Topics in Writing, a peer-to-peer incubator for the development of new projects that grants students from across various departments the opportunity to develop and produce writing-based projects. Shank defines the vaguely titled yearlong class, which she began, as a “hybrid of a writing workshop and a dramaturgical project development space.” A playwright and dramaturg, Shank said her class was born of her experience as an MFA candidate; she attended the program between 2010 and 2013, and then noticed her fellow students’ lack of ability to fully shepherd their projects.

“I was finding a lot of students that would have an idea, bring in a few pages or even bring in a full draft, but then they would kind of abandon it,” said Shank. “I wanted a space [that would] marry generative creativity, a place of accountability, but also a place that was working that muscle of really developing a project. Because I think often as artists we look to other institutions, other people to usher our work along. Yes, you need collaborators, yes, you need organizations of supporters—but you have to some degree know how to do those things yourself.”

Program alum Virginia Grise agrees. Grise has been a working artist since her play blu won the 2010 Yale Drama Series Award. She conceived her latest play, rasgos asiaticos, while still attending CalArts. Inspired by her Chicana-Chinese family, the play has evolved into a walk-around theatrical experience with some dialogue pressed into phonograph records that accompany her great uncle’s 1920s-era Chinese opera records. After developing the production over a period of years, with the help of CalArts Center for New Performance (CNP), Grise will premiere rasgos asiaticos in downtown Los Angeles in March 2020, boasting a predominantly female cast, a Black female director, and a design team entirely composed of women of color. Her multidisciplinary work is emblematic of the direction CalArts is hoping to steer the field, with training that is responsive to a growingly diverse body of students who may not want to create theatre in the Western European tradition.

“You cannot recruit students of color into a training program and continue to train actors, writers, and directors in the same way you have trained them prior to recruiting them,” said Grise. “I feel like training programs should look at the diversity of aesthetics, the diversity of storytelling—what are the different ways in which we make performance, and how is that indicative of who we are, and where we are coming from, and who we are speaking to?”

As an educator whose work deals with Asian American identity, including the play M. Butterfly and the high-concept musical Soft Power, Hwang said that one of his goals as an educator is to train a diverse body of students and teach them how to write from a perspective that is uniquely theirs.

“If we assume that people like to see themselves onstage, this requires a range of diverse bodies as well as diverse stories in our theatres,” Hwang said. “Institutions like Columbia have a huge responsibility to address this issue, since we are helping to produce artists of the future. Our program takes diversity as our first core value—not only in terms of aesthetics, but also by trying to cultivate artists and stories which encompass the fullest range of communities, nationalities, races, genders, sexualities, differences, and identities.”

The film business could use similar cultivation. In March 2019, the Think Tank for Inclusion and Equity (TTIE), a self-organized syndicate of working television writers, published “Behind the Scenes: The State of Inclusion and Equity in TV Writing,” a research-driven survey funded by the Pop Culture Collaborative. Data from that report observed hiring, writer advancement, workplace harassment, and bias among diverse writers, examining 282 working Hollywood writers who identify as women or nonbinary, LGBTQ, people of color, and/or people with disabilities, analyzing how they fare within the writers’ room. In positions that range from staff writer to executive story editor, a nearly two thirds majority of this surveyed group reported troubling instances of bias, discrimination, and/or harassment by members of their individual writing staff. Also, 58 percent of them said they experienced pushback when pitching a non-stereotypical diverse character or storyline; 58 percent later experienced micro-aggressions in-house. The biggest slap in the face: When it comes to in-house pitches, 53 percent of this group’s ideas were rejected, only to have white writers pitch exactly the same idea a few minutes later and get accepted. Other key findings from the report: 58 percent say their agents pitch them to shows by highlighting their “otherness,” and 15 percent reported they took a demotion just to get a staff job.

But there was more: 65 percent of people of color in the survey reported being the only one in their writers’ room, and 34 percent of the women and nonbinary writers reported being the only woman or nonbinary member of their writing staff; 38 percent of writers with disabilities reported being the only one, and 68 percent of LGBTQ writers reported being the only one.

For Dominic Taylor, the lack of diversity and inclusion in TV writers’ rooms can be fought in part by opening up the curriculum on college campuses, which he has expanded since joining the faculty at UCLA. “Students need a comprehensive education,” Taylor pointed out. He noted the importance of prospective playwrights being as familiar with Migdalia Cruz, Maria Irene Fornés, James Yoshimura, Julia Cho, and William Yellow Robe as they are with William Shakespeare, and looking at traditions as vast as the Gelede Festival, the Egungun Festival, Shang theatre of China, as well as the Passion Plays of Ancient Egypt.

“All of these modes of performance predate the Greek theatre, which is the starting point for much of theatre history,” explained Taylor. “It is part of my mandate as an educator to complete the education of my students. Inclusion is crucial to that education.”

After all, with the growing variety of platforms for story and expression, why shouldn’t there also be diversity of forms and voices? Whatever the medium of delivery, these are trends worth keeping an eye on.

Marcus Scott is a New York City-based playwright, musical writer, and journalist. He’s written for Elle, Essence, Out, and Playbill, among other publications.

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swseats · 4 years

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ECLECTICLE 11/6

As our party stood under the frescoes of San Francisco City Hall, the officiant recited the words required by law and encouraged by tradition. Our very small and hardy band were there to witness the marriage of one of my closest friends. I wrote a little more about it over here.

I was honored to be included in their special day. To be there to lend my support and encouragement for the beginning of their new life together.

After the ceremony we adjourned to Restaurant Gary Danko for drinks and dinner. One of our merry band of seven encouraged us -- the married folk -- to go around and give advice to the newlyweds. What we came up with could be summed up as:

Work at It

Stick With It

Really Support and Honor Each Other

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat

If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married. -Unknown

After nigh on 25 years, I find that there is a never-ending stream of new experiences that life brings to my husband and I. Most of it has been good. Some of it not so. But the best part has been having someone who is going through it with you. Someone who holds your hand and says, "It will be okay. We can do this. Together".

My hope is that my friends have found that someone who will be a support when things go sideways. And someone who will celebrate when things don’t. Someone who will help keep the other person grounded all through the maelstrom of life.

So cheers to them! Cheers to everyone just starting out. And cheers to those of us who are still trying to make it all work. Together.

Getting Married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one -- Mae West

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If you’re new here, ECLECTICLE Is my “Eclectic Listicle” of the recent things that have been happening in my world. It is a regularly occurring place to toss out items of interest and information. My hope is that you will enjoy it and find something useful. So, let’s get going.

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What I’m Eating:

The Branzini with Fennel Puree, Niçoise Olives and Saffron-Orange Emulsion at Gary Danko, San Francisco.

Gary Danko was a fitting coda to the wedding of two awesome guys. The service and hospitality was absolutely spot on. And the dishes came invitingly to table one after the other. The star of the show was easily the Safron-Orange Emulsion that was served underneath a perfectly cooked Bronzini. The sauce was balanced, light, and delicately flavored. It actually outshone every other component in the dish. When I say that the emulsion was life changing, I am not exaggerating. For me, it was the single best executed item of the five tasting courses I ordered.

I savored the wonder that was this sauce and had to share. I happily tore into slices of their rustic bread -- made that day, I am sure -- so that the other guests at the table could sop up the remains. The consensus was that the emulsion was almost too good for words. On my next visit, I am making a mental note to request the sauce in advance. Just for me and the demi-loaf of bread I’ll be eating.

What I’m Reading:

This read from the Oddity Prodigy Productions blog gave me SUCH delight. For the record, I am a big fan of anyone who can pull off a serious costume. I know enough folks to be aware of what goes into building a costume or outfit. I've been following Shasta Shatz on IG and I really love the range of her work and her skill. If I were to make a suggestion, the phrase “What Are You Supposed To Be” should be left at the front door and “...a simple, “Tell me about your costume” will suffice, Chad.”

Wand Blake “chops it up” ( as the kids say) in this episode of Ark Republic’s “The Changing of San Francisco Food Culture and Identity” "When you look at the food scene in general in San Francisco, it’s very much an umbrella of immigrants. Because when you look at the food here in San Francisco it is the most diverse selection of food that you see anywhere in the United States especially during the times when I grew up”. -- Wanda Blake.

This was, hands down, the feel good story of the week. A local business doing what it can to make our community a better place. Inspiring, uplifting and a model that can be duplicated across the country. Oakland Laundromat Promotes Love Of Reading Offering Story Time For Children

Looking at food nutrition through a different lens, this article from New Food Economy is at once thought provoking and, at the same time, a call to action. How is it that If Food Is Medicine, Why Isn’t it Taught In Medical Schools?” "Poor diet continues to be one of the biggest contributors to chronic disease and mortality in the U.S., killing one in five Americans every year. That’s a higher rate than three other risk factors—pollution, lack of exercise, alcohol and drug use—combined. As the tide continues to rise in favor of ideas and policies that combine food and healthcare, medical schools may be next to center nutrition in their work. Someone’s just got to prescribe it". - New Food Economy.

A quick read, and some great suggestions, from Bon Appétit magazine for one of my favorite alliums, shallots. “All About Shallots”

What I'm Listening To:

Artist: Pomplamousse

Song: Daft Punk / Something About Us

https://youtu.be/2CCNswShJRc

When a remake is done well, it reveals something new and delightful about the original. This new version of a Daft Punk classic makes me appreciate the simplicity of this chill and soulful tune.

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#SWSEATS #Wedding #Marriage #What I'm Eating #What I'm Reading #What I'm Listening To #Eclecticle #Blogger #BlackBlogger #Food blogger #blackfoodbloggers

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lucywithlupus · 5 years

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Top 10 Myths vs. Facts about Arthritis

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Intro

Arthritis is the most common cause of disability in the United States. It affects 23% of the working population, almost 54 million people. And let's don't talk about the elderly population!

Everyone know arthritis exists, its unavoidable. But not many people know what it is or even acknowledge its existence in a regular way.

I was diagnosed with Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis when I was just 13 years old. It was a very traumatic experience for an awkward preteen like me. Not only did I have to deal with the regular dose of cringiness that comes with high school drama, puberty and the discovery of Tumblr, but also this strange condition that I would have not thought of having in a million years was right there, standing at my door like that uninvited neighbour that will sit on your couch, expect to pamper and you just sit there waiting for them to leave.

Only that arthritis never left my side: it was there all day, every day, every single day for the last 6 years.

A short way of putting it, arthritis translates to "joint inflammation", and it is a symptom. You heard me right: arthritis is medically defined as a symptom. It is usually caused by an illness you currently have or had, but it could also present itself independently as a disorder.

In that case, arthritis is any disorder that affects the joints. Joints, being the area where two bones meet, are under constant friction when moved around. The joint capsule (joint sac)and synovium (joint liquid that lubricates the joints) can swell, causing stinging pain, visible swelling and pain, overall stiffness, redness, and limited mobility. It may also result in long term partial or generalized bone loss/ erosion and/ or cartilage loss. The best way I could describe it is having your knees be injected with jelly (ew) and the jelly squeezing your knee into itself everytime you want to get out of bed in the morning, or go up the stairs, or rush to that history class because you are late again.

An article by Social Science & Medicine explains that the characteristics of this disorder and what treatment is most appropriate to use really depends a lot of the time length since diagnosis- aka how long you had the disease-, the socio-economic and social background of the patient and the relationship between the patient and their disorder.

But why does it happen in the first place? As said, it could be another disease entirely isolated from your joints. But no one really knows why this disorder occurs to this day. Some suspect it is caused by genetics, environmental factors, stress, or none of them. No origin, no clear way to get rid of it, simple.

Being a teen with arthritis ain't easy, let's be real. I had to quickly learn how to survive my daily shenanigans as both a maturing, growing woman and handle my joint inflammation all at the same time. It was always confusing for others to realize that I had a medical condition that asked me for extra help every now and then. They also struggled to know what to know, how to react and what to expect. That's perfectly normal, but don't worry I gotcha.

Warning: I am not saying you do any of these nasties, but if you do or know someone who does, make you so send them this for some lovely PEP.

Links below :)

And now, without further ado, here we go Top 10 Myths vs. Facts about Arthritis!

Myth 1: Only old people get arthritis

When people think about arthritis, the first thing that comes to mind is probably your grandparents trying just a little harder to get out of their chairs. It has something to do with their joints, right? And most likely will never get better with time.

Telling people I have arthritis is like dropping an elephant right at their brains, and I can never know what their next move will be. Most of the time, they are shocked, surprised someone so young could carry such an elderly condition.

“Are you kidding?” “That is not funny” “Oh, interesting: you ARE serious”

It's understandable that human curiosity gets in the way of what is coming out of your mouth dear friend. But no, I do not appreciate you looking at me like a circus attraction, look at my knees in an awkward way or just stare into the sky asking the aliens maybe for more things to ask.

Instead, do like when there's fire: stop, drop, roll on the ground back and forth. Maybe not the last two but you get the point. Hold your queries train and be respectful at all costs. We could happily answer your questions without needing to feel attacked and you ignored. We do not owe you an answer, but place yourself in our shoes first beforehand, please!

Fact 1: All walks of life can get arthritis.

There is no scientific evidence that shows a correlation between arthritis incidence and age or sex. The only thing for sure is that osteoarthritis is most common in the elderly (age thee, folks), while other disorders like lupus are more common in young adults and teens (hint: me!).

That's the truth people: there is no such thing as a person that “looks” like they have arthritis. People with arthritis are big and small, tall, medium or short, old or young, fat or thin, thick or slim, work full time, study or not work at all. People with arthritis come from so many places, have different races, colours, hair and body types, religions, lifestyles, families, relationships, places they live in, places to go and places they won't go. People with arthritis can be disabled in other things, visually impaired, mentally challenged or ill, be missing a limb, be blind or deaf or have speech impediments. They have tattoos, some like to dance, paint and sing, others like reading books, watch movies or go outside. Some like pineapple on pizza, some don't (don't set this blog on fire people: make pizza, not war). Some chose conventional medicine, some chose alternatives or none at all. Just like you and me, there are so many types of people in this world, and some of the people you already know and admire are probably going through a rheumatic struggle right now and you never noticed. Arthritis has no shape, no stereotypical mould we follow. Isn't it amazing?

Myth 2: It's a disease.

Words have a lot of meaning, and for this reason, one must choose very carefully about how to talk about someone else's health, especially if you do not know them or what they go through.

Words like “sick”, “troubled”, or “ill” are incorrectly used to refer to arthritis. Sure, I am not going to stand up and run a mile as effectively as the nearest person, but that doesn't you the right to make me feel any less healthy, inferior or weak.

Criticizing my lifestyle and wellbeing choices, how I chose to medicate myself or whether or not I will try these ancient magical fairy dust your family kept buried in their backyard for generations is irrelevant, just like you judging my outfit today. My taste is exquisite, thanks.

So, if you feel inclined to stick your nose into people's property, think about how it would feel if someone had strong opinions about your daily choices. Because living with arthritis is that: daily choices we make to get by, just like anyone else.

Fact 2: It's a medical symptom or disorder.

Yeah, it's true. Not so exciting anymore, right?

The National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases (NIH) defines arthritis as the symptom of joint inflammation, usually a symptom of something else but can also be a diagnosis of its own. It is also defined as a diagnosis of its own that affects the joins. Arthritis can cause joint swelling and pain, overall stiffness and limited mobility, redness and may result in long term partial or generalized bone loss/ erosion and/ or cartilage loss. This is because the joint capsule (joint sac)and synovium (joint liquid that lubricates joints) swell, causing a stinging pain.

So yeah, not a disease. Symptom or disorder it's just fine to thank you.

With that information in mind, maybe you can stop worrying about my business and start focusing on your next time.

Myth 3: There is only one type of arthritis.

Arthritis is an umbrella term to refer to any inflammation of one or more joints. That's it. But that doesn't mean things cannot get a little complicated or confusing.

There are many kinds of arthritis: spondylitis, gout, rheumatoid arthritis, juvenile idiopathic arthritis, reactive arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, osteoarthritis, etc. The list goes on.

The American Rheumatism Association (ARA) determined the criteria for rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis in 1956. The criteria were established by 5 committee members after studying 332 cases in 19 American cities. There are 11 original diagnose criteria to this day (links below!). There are three main possible diagnoses:

○ Definite: at least 7 criteria and 6 weeks of joint symptoms

○ Probable: at least 3 criteria and 6 weeks of joint symptoms

○ Possible: another set of criteria

The main indicator of an arthritic disorder is Rheumatoid factor (RF), which is basically the "good to go" lever that says with utmost medical evidence that you have arthritis. However, other indicators, treatments, and criteria are still sensitive, not specific, impractical and circular. Also, initial studies were mere surveys, misclassification ensued, incorrect tables and comparison squares were used to collect and analyze data, etc.

Over the last 60 years, medicine has developed a more uniform vocab, communication to allow for better comparison, teaching, diagnosis and awareness raising.

There are so many options! That's why we are everywhere, watching you. Have fun knowing that.

Fact 3: Rheumatisms are diverse and unique to all.

Even though arthritis might be looking more like a Wikipedia reference list right about now, it does not have to be ultra difficult to understand that rheumatic conditions like arthritis are incredibly varied and personalized to the patient's body.

Rheumatologists- aka joint doc- have a hard time finding cures and data and pills to give because of this reason. Remaining calm, doing your research on your type of arthritis and letting others know what it is and how they can help you is the best way to pull through!

Myth 4: We need help always.

I remember in high school and a few months in uni, I started calling myself grandma, and consequently, my friends did the same. I thought it was funny, laughing at myself and taking lightly something that I already had to deal with anyways. Plus, it matched my quiet (lie), caring demeanour (also lie lol).

A few weeks ago I realized that that may have been a mistake, as it makes others associate me with an old lady who constantly needs help: whether from doctors, my parents or family, my professors or my friends.

When you have limited mobility 24/7 and you are still a teen that heavily depends on your parents to drag you to your doctor- sometimes literally- give you your meds and scold you everytime you wish to do anything remotely fun, it can begin to build in your developing brain that fears of doing things that have nothing to do with your disease.

You fear to live your safe haven called home, loose that adventurous feeling to party hard and enjoy those sneaky teenage drinks and, deep down, fear for your plans of the future and how some of them might get chucked off your life forever just because you have a rheumatic disorder.

In high school, I used to hate myself for that. I hated myself and my body for not doing what I wanted them to do. To a point where I was delusional: I would tell myself that this was not my body, it could not be, my body couldn't be this weak and fragile. The boy was I wrong!

Also, don't get me started on how people think you are “faking it” because you want the attention and the extra benefits.

Sweetie, next time you (under highly mysterious circumstances) slip in my long list on how wrong you are and you roll down the stairs and break your ankle crying because you won't be able to go to Karen's party next week, call me. We will have some quality time together. Your petty butt, me, panadol and some good pep talk to hopefully make your brain work.

Truth 4: People with arthritis don't need help, always.

No one fakes being sick. No one is that insane, or persistent. Although things like stress and lack of care can worsen inflammation, no one is really faking the reality of the facts.

Sure, I do get help because I am disabled- yes, I am clinically allowed to use that term if I chose you, don't get triggered. That means I am allowed to take shorter queues in supermarkets, take special lifts, use the biggest bathroom stall. Thankfully, we live in a world were now electrical doors, ramps and tons of other aiding infrastructure is available for people like us and more :) Working, studying, medical, recreational, transport, industrial and domestic aid is stepping up its game on that area, and we haven't even talked about non material ways of help! (a new post!).

No friend. I do not need your help right now thank you. I appreciate you trying to bombard me with wonderful ideas on what I should or not do. I understand your concern and I am happy you are trying your hardest to help me. But maybe taking a chill pill and closing all those tabs, having a nice conversation and some tea is the best thing you can do right now.

I have the stuff to do, let's be real. We all do. I am a full-time student, but that doesn't mean I still don't have time to take care of myself and what my body needs. Years of experience have taught me a lot, and so will to you, dear arthritic friend. Things do get better :)

Myth 5: People with arthritis are lazy.

Now we travel to the other side of the spectrum:

“Well, at least you get to chill in bed when you want and get away with it! That sounds like fun to me!”

Yeah, if fun means having to attend blood tests, scans, doctors appointments, pill regimens, and regular checkups weekly, monthly or more in extreme circumstances. And being at home resting is no walk in the park either: you might need to get a higher shelf, you might struggle to fix your pill schedule, you might slip and die and no one will find your lying corpse (ok too much drama, I will calm down).

But yeah, you get the point. People with arthritis have the stuff to get done, sometimes double or triple more stuff that you have to get done on a daily basis. We are not lazy in any sort of way, but sometimes we do get overwhelmed and the need to chill for our own safety. Its normal, healthy and fun.

Fact 5: They are trying as hard as anyone else.

I am not lazy. Everyone that knows me knows I have absolutely zero chills. I enjoy working, shocker! I like learning, getting my stuff together, reading and doing all sorts of things. I also love taking care of my body, researching on how I can help it help me do the things I enjoy so much.

Yeah, I might need a little pushing around sometimes, but that is because of things I cannot control. My joints can have a crisis at any second, and you bet I will not roll on the supermarket floor in agony with my shopping bags when I can calmly proceed to the disabled people line and avoid everyone some trouble- including me.

So please, if you see someone not standing up for the old lady on the bus, do please find her another seat because I can't stand up right now. Work those legs and offer your own seat!

Myth 6: Their problem, my problem.

Living in a time where your private and virtual life constantly overlaps is exciting, but also means that what we perceive as private gets a little blurry.

Again, the whole fairy dust story. This time, a mist of sprinkles and cupcakes or pain and misery blinding you, not letting you perceive reality as it is. Yes, we are getting Neo up in here.

When you tell people you have arthritis, the immediate shock leads them to a very natural place: survival mode.

"You should try this or that!" "Have you considered this? It has Oprah's recommendation, so maybe it will work." "Maybe God is trying to tell you something, better get to work."

"You must be feeling/ perceiving/ doing/ acting/ treating yourself this way. It's the best way!"

There is no such thing as the best way. Scientifically speaking, there are so many ways to treat arthritis, and with all the criteria, surveys and medical information available, it is completely impossible to say to full certainty which of these treatments is actually the best. Maybe Oprah's works for her and some of her fans, but it may not work on my body, and that's ok too. I don't need to feel disappointed that I failed Oprah or anyone, or angry that my body did not react the way it was expected too. I have enough issues to work through already!

So before you aggressively google "how to cure arthritis asap", stop and think about other healthier ways you can vent your worries and actually help us with things we need every day.

Fact 6: Their business is their own.

Ok. This is it. This is the end. In the words of Freddy Mercury, "I don't want to dieeeee, Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all". *epic guitar solo*

You have Arthritis, the Big A. And you have to learn with it and fast, God knows for how long.

Formulating a plan of attack right now may not ease your inner emo right now, but don't sweat it.

Arthritis is no piece of cake, at least it will not be in at least a couple of years. You slowly build habits and coping mechanisms that make those creaky joints just a little better to grip.

So do not come to me with a Shakespearean monologue on how devastated I should be, how my life is over, or worse: how miserable you are for living the unimaginable tragedy of having a disabled buddy. What an incredibly sad event man! How brave of you! I will attend your funeral.

But dress code: facts!

Myth 7: They must be miserable or boring.

Unfortunately, as do other medical issues, arthritis falls under phenomena called invisible illness. These are like those angsty preteens always standing at a 45-degree pose in the school lockers: cold, mysterious, and most of the time unseen. No one bothered to understand them and preferred to go away and check their snapchats streaks as they scoot by.

Arthritis sounds dark and spooky, but I am not sad all the time because of that. Heck, I am sad that my toast gets burnt in the morning, not because I have a life-threatening condition that may or may not stay with me forever! Priorities, people.

I had a hot minute to consider what is important enough to worry about in life. It's part of growing and learning how to cope with this disorder.

So please do not remind me of how sad I must be feeling, or how disappointed my family and friends must be. I am no burden to them, no burden to me and no burden to you, lovely sir. Respect that.

Fact 7: We are fun and approachable.

The angsty teen could have never flowered into a beautiful butterfly goddess without the help of self-worth and friendship. Let's be friends! Let's go out, grab a coffee, talk about the latest gossip or Instagram challenge, watch a movie, a party (with moderation kids), talk in the phone, etc.

Arthritis is hard, and sometimes being open about it with other people your age can be challenging and a struggle. But maybe you can take the lead and show us how fun life can be. Who knows: maybe a lovely friendship will flower.

Myth 8: They must be ultra freaky about everything.

I might not be the most "normal" person in the world, but I am no freaking dinosaur, ok?

Yeah, I take pills, measure my temperature, cancel plans and then remake them because of crisis periods, sit down for a little longer than the average human, etc.

I am not weird or freaky. Sure, I enjoy indie and pokemon soundtracks, but that is aside of the point. We are not here for your entertainment or mean comments about our medical condition. We do not appreciate being so rudely excluded just because you think you discovered the next cure for cancer or something when looking at us take paracetamol.

Truth 8: Who wants to be, really?

Relax pal. You will continue your Black Mirror analysis of my life later.

We are just trying to get by. Mean looks or side glances will not help in that process. Get to know us a little better first before putting a magnifying glass at our faces!

Myth 9: They must take huge amounts of commercial medicine.

Warning: I am not your doctor. No degree, no genius, no Jesus. You have been warned.

This is a very touchy subject so bear with me. Whether we take commercial meds is our business. The most common treatments for arthritis are ibuprofen and paracetamol. These divas could be complemented or replaced with a million different treatments, like other medication, natural treatments, nutritional supplements, meditation and diets, surgery or biological agents. The list is literally endless.

How someone chooses to treat themselves is their or their caretaker's concern, not yours. Do not suggest a million treatments at once, you are just confusing us even more!

Commercial medicine is neither good or bad, as long as your doctor or specialist is aware you are taking them. Period. Debate over.

Fact 9: Not necessarily.

Look, guys, it's getting late and I am very lazy right now. I am not about to name and explain every single possible you could take or follow, and I am not going to tell you which is best. Life ain't fair.

Just follow the one you, your caretakers and your specialist see fit. You will have plenty of time to experiment in your own time.

Myth 10: They are all the same.

Short answer: NOOO!!!!

Done.

Fact 10: Shush and listen.

This post is already hella long so I will be short and sweet.

You have ears, use them. Perhaps they are attached to your brain, and your brain has wiggles called neurons, right?

Listen to us arthritis folk. You and we might be amazed by how hardworking, brave, happy, smart, funny, witty and overall badasses we can be if we stick together.

Like Troy Bolton said so gracefully, "this is the last time to get it right, it's now or never". To most of us, that is literally a fact. Enjoy life, what it gives you, what it doesn't and learn to listen.

Listen to your body, to your mind, to others and, most importantly, to yourself.

Aaaand that's all folks! I hope I did not roast you in a permanently bad way or made you feel sad or shocked. Thanks for dropping by and I will see you with future posts!

Links and comments below babies :)

Bye!

References

(1) Yukinori Okada. Genetics of rheumatoid arthritis contributes to biology and drug discovery. Nature. 2013; Available from: https://www.nature.com/articles/nature12873 .

(2) Versus Arthritis. What is arthritis? Available from: https://www.versusarthritis.org/about-arthritis/conditions/arthritis/.

(3) Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, (CDC). Improving the Quality of Life for People With Arthritis

At A Glance. Available from: https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/resources/publications/aag/arthritis.htm.

(4) Frank C. Arnett, Steven M. Edworthy, Daniel A. Bloch, Dennis J. Mcshane, James F. Fries, Norman S. Cooper, et al. The American Rheumatism Association 1987 Revised Criteria for the Classification of Rheumatoid Arthritis. American College of Rheumatology. 1988; Available from: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1002/art.1780310302 .

(5) Dennis Gray. The treatment strategies for arthritis sufferers. Social Science and Medicine. 1985; 21 (5): 507-515. Available from: https://www.niams.nih.gov/health-topics/arthritis .

(6) National Institute of Arthritis and Muscoskeletal and Skin Disease, (NIH). Arthritis. Available from: https://www.niams.nih.gov/health-topics/arthritis.

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