#them for me. i really do this with any bugs. but its so cruel and unfair. to cut an innocent creature's life short bc it scares me. it's

[desert-fern]

A Gun Amongst Daggers - Jake “Hangman” Seresin X Fem!Navy Seal Reader

Part 22: Reunion

Summary: When Jake meets a woman at the Hard Deck, the last thing he expects is for her to be a Navy Seal. And not just any Seal, the Commander of Seal Team 3. She’s beautiful, smart, dangerous, and everything about her just makes him want to get close. Her name? Bear. When the Seals need backup, Cyclone puts the Daggers on their radar and now, Jake has to work with Bear and her team, all the while trying to stay professional. Can he do it? Or will he end up falling for the Navy sniper and mission Commander?

* image by Ilaria Ubinati, found on Pinterest*

MINORS DO NOT ENGAGE! 18+ ONLY. MINORS & BLOGS WITH NO AGE/EMPTY BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED.

Warnings: Bear gets a little existential, her team is amazing and supportive, really not much else imo

Word Count: 3.9k

Masterlist >> Part 21 >> Part 23

===

It had been nearly 5 months since Bear had left the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in order to meet with Admirals Will “Shark” Harris, Beau “Cyclone” Simpson, and Navy psychologist, Dr. Hazelwood. They had required her to take a mandatory leave effective immediately, weekly sessions with Dr. Hazelwood, and had barred her from engaging in discussions relating to the day to day operations of the US Navy and its members, as well as forbidding any contact with those directly involved in the investigation of what would be former Lieutenant Commander Colton “Hazard” Richards.

Needless to say, the third condition struck a nerve in the Commander. Her team was her family, as she had said numerous times, and in her mind, it was needlessly cruel. The rest of her orders she could understand. Hazard had been taken off the ship directly by NCIS agents along with the rest of his so-called team, and she knew that Bug, FAK, Daisy, Shrike, Jake and a few others would be crucial in building the case against these five. But that also meant she couldn’t talk to them until after they had finished up their parts for the agents and the prosecution.

She couldn’t talk to her family. Nor they to her, and it tore her heart to shreds.

But Bear just nodded, gritting her teeth in frustration. “Sirs, may I suggest a change to the conditions?”

Admiral Simpson looked surprised at her boldness, but her boss, Admiral Harris had expected this and motioned for her to continue regardless of the look on his colleague’s face. “You may, Commander.”

“I would like to request a psychologist not connected to the US Navy.” Bear’s tone was even, controlled. She knew what she needed and unfortunately this psychologist wouldn’t be it. “I mean no disrespect to you, ma’am. I have no doubt of your qualifications, but in order for me to be at the level I need to be, I require counseling from someone that isn’t going to sign off on me the second I show even a fraction of improvement.” This was a genuine concern. Bear knew that if they could slap an ‘all better’ on her file right now, then they would. However, for her sake, for the sake of her team, Bear had to be at her best and right now, she was far from it.

Harris raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “And who exactly is going to fill in for Dr. Hazelwood?” He had been caught off guard by Bear yet again. Both he and Cyclone had figured that Bear would want to be put back into the field as soon as possible. Neither one of them had considered this request as something that she would ever bring up.

“I’m sure that there are private psychologists who have been vetted by the Navy should this ever arise.” She met Cyclone’s gaze and held it, refusing to even entertain the idea of a compromise. Bear knew that she was damaged, that her experiences had broken something inside of her that couldn’t be fixed with three sessions and a bandaid. She needed help, and deep down, Bear knew that she would walk away from this life if she couldn’t get the help she needed. “This is one of those circumstances.”

Cyclone glanced at Shark before nodding. “We’ll see that that is done, Commander. And may I commend you for your professionalism at this time. It is a rare thing.”

Bear nodded in thanks, her jaw feeling like it had been wired shut. She shifted on her feet, ignoring the itchiness of a scab on her side while the Admirals talked at her, discussing item after item, barely taking more than a few seconds to ensure that the information was being absorbed. She had been in that office for far too long and her mind was nearly at its breaking point.

Now though, Bear sat on her couch, wrapped up in a blanket as she stared at the wall. Today’s session had left her emotionally drained and she wanted nothing more than to be with someone, to be near someone. She had gone home to Vermont almost immediately after her leave had been approved and spent two of the five months with her moms, both loving and hating the familiarity of it all.

She recognized the feeling as the same one that had hit her after her first deployment. Bear had gone home and the world had seemed different. The lush forests that she used to train in, the well-worn trails feeling foreign, the overall peaceful serenity unnerving. It was almost like she had stepped back into a life that wasn’t hers, a period of her history that had faded and been lost to time. She distantly remembered sobbing in her mother’s arms, the reason long forgotten to time, memory, and pain.

Since that time however, Bear had grown stronger and bolder, grown into who she was now. Rather, who she had been before Hazard and his goons tried to ascertain a command of their own. She knew that eventually the pain would heal, and thanks to Dr. Carter, her new psychologist vetted personally by Admiral Harris, Bear was well on her way to managing the nightmares, trauma, and the sting of betrayal brought in spades by Operation Hellfire.

So Bear sat, the silence filling her, bringing her a semblance of peace. She had recovered slowly; spending hours focusing on her breathing, going to the gym on nights that sleep eluded her, writing down what she could about her day, and just did her best to heal. She couldn’t recall the last time she had had so much time to do what she wanted and it was both scary and freeing.

The prosecution had finished with her main team three months after her leave had begun and Bear had cried after getting the email from Harris that she could chat with a few of her team, namely Fireball and Bug. The lawyers had wanted to spend longer talking to those who had been directly impacted by Hazard’s actions and those who had been crucial in putting together the evidence for them.

She had given her own initial testimony days after being put on leave, much to the anger of Admiral Harris who had demanded that his Commander be allowed time to recover from her ordeal. It had been difficult. She had barely been able to piece together sentences of her experience, the words getting lost in the fear and pain she had been through, but she had persevered. She pushed through it, tearing open the mental wounds she had spent weeks trying to heal and in her pain, her tears, Bear had found it within her to admonish the prosecutor who demanded answers. He had been stunned into silence from the force of her words as she stood shaking in front of him.

He had backed off. Given her time. He had requested time to speak with her again a month ago and she had felt ready, so Bear had finally worked through the apprehension and spoke with him, detailing what she could remember. He thanked her, offering his apologies for his brusque nature the first time they had met, and told Bear that he would call if he had any more questions.

And despite all obstacles against her, Bear was healing. Today’s session hadn’t made her burst into tears. It wasn’t much, but it was progress. Progress that she was immensely proud of. Bear had also heard from Dr. Carter that her mandatory leave was up soon, and that Cyclone and Shark wanted to meet with her in a few days.

She was ready. Bear was ready to see her team again, her family. Maybe if she impressed her bosses, they would let her train with her team. The mere thought had her smiling widely as she picked herself up from the couch and wandered into the kitchen to make dinner. It was nothing fancy, but Bear still found herself dancing as she cooked, the joy seeming to radiate off of her. “If only Jake were here,” she thought. “Then it would be perfect.”

===

The day of her meeting came quickly, and Bear had never been more excited to put her uniform on than today. It beat out the first time she had put it on by a mile and she didn’t quite know what to make of that. Each button fastened brought her closer to her goal: Harris and Simpson had to be convinced that she was better, that she wasn’t a risk.

Bear grabbed her backpack, keys, phone, and wallet and slipped out the front door of her house. The same house that had once stood out for being starkly unlived in, now seemed to blend in a little more. The flower beds were now full and blooming in colors they never had before, the lawn was clipped, and it looked like a home. With all the time on her hands, the work made her feel normal. It had been a source of peace for her while she recovered and it continuously made her grin as she drove the roads to the base.

The guard at the entrance to the base had shouted “Welcome home!” when she had rolled her window down and his enthusiasm made her laugh as she handed him her new ID.

“It’s good to be back.” Bear took back her card, waving to him as she drove into the base, parking as close as she could to the Admiral’s office and slowly made her way inside, passing colleagues and friends who each greeted her with smiles, handshakes and hugs.

“Commander. It’s good to see you.”

“Sirs.” Bear couldn’t help but grin a little as she saluted the two men before her. “It’s good to be back.”

“At ease, Commander.” Cyclone gestured for her to take a seat in front of him, eyes watching Bear as she did. “We received word from Dr. Carter that she feels you are ready to come back.”

“Yes Sir. I was informed of the same.” Bear shuffled in her chair, trying to get comfortable. The cold sterility of the meeting room they sat in never failed to make her uncomfortable and today was no different, especially when she was waiting desperately to see those whom she hadn’t seen in over five long months.

Admiral Harris glanced over at Bear. “And do you feel the same?” He could sense her eagerness to return to the job, his Commander was hardly subtle in that regard. Her love for her job and her people was something he hoped her successor would possess and from what he had seen from Bug, he knew that Team 3 was in phenomenal hands.

“I do. I don’t think I’m ready to be deployed immediately, but I feel ready to rejoin my team, to start training again.” Bear knew what she wanted from this meeting, and she could tell that the men across from her knew it too, but this was still a formality that they all had to go through.

“I see.”

And the conversation continued from there. By the end, the two Admirals had decided that while Bear still needed to pass a psychological exam by a Navy psychologist, she was essentially cleared to train again with her team.

It was like she was flying at their words. Bear knew that what they were saying was important, but she was too caught up in the excitement of being able to see and talk to her family again. It would be awhile before any legal action came down on the people who had hurt her with their plotting, but they hadn’t won. She was sitting here, in front of her bosses, paying just enough attention to their words so she wouldn’t miss anything important, while her heart was doing backflips at the thought of just seeing her people.

“Congratulations Commander. You will be reinstated shortly.” The amused voice of Admiral Harris cut through her thoughts. “Go and rendezvous with your team, Bear. They have been clamoring at the gates trying to see you. I believe Petty Officer Hamilton sounded the alarm that you were back.”

Bear smiled. “That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest, Sir. He was all smiles when I arrived earlier.”

“He is the type to do so, Commander.” Cyclone was watching her carefully, amused by the humor in her voice. It was clear to him that Bear was ready to burst out of the room, so he dismissed her, nodding at her salute and watched Bear slip out the door. “Is she always like this, Harris?”

“Eager to get back to work? Yes. The type to tune us out? No, that’s likely from her not being able to help her team for the last five months.”

===

Bear raced out of the building, descending the stairs so fast she nearly fell down them. She closed the distance quickly, slowing to a walk as she quietly approached the empty training warehouse. Her heart was pounding, both from the exertion and because after five long months, she was oh so close to finally being near the people that had always had her back.

Her team was okay, definitely worried about her, but from the updates Fireball had been giving her over the last few weeks, Bear knew that they were alright. Bug was doing her best to keep their spirits up, and Bear couldn’t be more proud of Priya. She knew that her second would step up when needed and Priya did exactly that.

They had come together in her absence. Growing stronger as a team, they were all so excited that their boss, their friend, and to some, a maternal figure (not that they would ever say that to her face), was coming back to them.

And she was right outside the doors, listening intently to the cacophony of voices yelling over one another. Bear heard Bug shout over the noise, silencing most of the group, except for a few who kept chattering away excitedly. “Now! To the two newbies that joined us a few months ago, you only know me as your CO. You haven’t met Bear yet.” Bug stopped halfway through her sentence to swing her gaze over and stare down the new Seals. “And if you two would stop your yammering, maybe we can finish this up so you can meet her.”

“Sorry ma’am.”

“Yes ma’am.”

They both looked thoroughly chastised and Bug smiled. Her job had gotten a little easier as time had gone on. She still wished that Bear were here to help guide her, but Priya knew that this was the same way her commander had learned the job. Training wheels didn’t exist in the Navy and Bug was proud of just how much she had been able to do despite her hesitation.

“Good. Now,” she continued. Her smile had only grown wider as she felt the excitement of her colleagues grow with every passing moment. Everyone wanted to see Bear again, and thanks to Petty Officer Hamilton, the whole base knew that the Commander was back. “Bear is still in her meeting with the Air Boss and Admiral Harris, so did we have any questions about our training this week?”

A few hands were raised and Bug answered the questions as best she could. She was distracted and it had felt like time was crawling as she breezed through the last few questions, clarifying a few points and restating another four, much to her dismay. Bug had just asked if there were any remaining questions when a familiar voice echoed through the quiet room. “I have a question. What does a woman have to do to get a hug around here?”

“Bear!” The room erupted in chaos, Seals scrambling out of their seats to hug their Commander, pushing and shoving others out of the way to be the first to greet her. A cacophony of voices made Bug cringe at the volume and she caught the gazes of the other Lieutenants who had held back, letting their platoons hug their boss.

“Alright. Alright!” Bear yelled over the noise, her hands out in front of her. “I’m not running out on you guys. I will get to everyone, I promise.” The room immediately settled down, people shuffling out of Bear’s path as she walked up to the front of the room.

Bear had begun tearing up when the room exploded into shouts of joy. Her team was okay and the sheer weight of the emotions she had felt all week dissipated in a heartbeat. Each hug, handshake, and story shared seemed to lighten her heart in such a way that it felt like it was seconds from floating up, up, up into the sky to fly alongside the F-18s on base.

Each step towards Bug felt like miles. Bear had heard the endless praise of Priya since the moment she'd arrived back on base and it was comforting to know that she had chosen well. “Priya.”

“Bear.” And Bug was in her arms, holding her tight. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Bug.” She held the other woman for a moment longer, before letting go to wipe her tears. “You’ve done an incredible job with them. I couldn’t be more proud.”

A tearful thank you left Bug as she swiped at her tears, letting Bear turn to envelop F.A.K. into a tight squeeze. The medic mumbled something to their Commander, making her laugh despite her tears.

The rest of that morning and early afternoon was spent catching up, Bear found herself holding court as she answered question after question from her team, refusing to leave anything out. Her team weren’t children, they had all suffered from her disappearance and Bear felt that they deserved to know at least a fraction of what had plagued her over the long five months apart.

“… I did go home to Vermont,” Bear said, laughing when someone yelled out that a person couldn’t be from Vermont. “I’m serious. My moms live there, in a small town in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.”

A few more adamant shouts had the room dissolving into giggles and for what felt like the millionth time that day, Bear felt a lightness that she hadn’t felt in a while. Not since the early days in Riyadh with Jake.

Jake. Where was he? Come to think of it, where were the Daggers? Bear hadn’t heard a word from any of them except Rooster one time when he stopped by to lend her a book. She had yet to give it back to him, and she would be lying if she said that was the only reason she wanted to see the pilots who had become a third family to her.

Sensing Bear’s distraction, Bug jumped in to dissuade the next few questions, sending the Seals off to lunch, while keeping a close eye on the suddenly pensive Bear. “Are you okay?”

Bear nodded. “I’m fine. Honestly. Just missing people.” She was trying for nonchalance, but from the look Priya gave her, it was clear that she had failed miserably.

“The Daggers have been away since Monday for a four day intensive at Lemoore,” Bug began, a knowing smile growing wider as the seconds passed. “I hear that they should be back sometime today or tomorrow.”

Bear hummed her acknowledgment and continued staring out through the open doors at the planes taking off in the distance. “It’s strange being back,” she said after a while.

“Good strange or bad strange?”

“Is it bad if I don’t know yet?”

Bug shook her head. “I don’t think so. I would probably feel the same in your shoes.”

“And I hope that you never have to be.” Bear’s tone was dark. A firm edge that forbade Bug from ever following her path to the woman she had become. “As long as I am in charge, you will never have to make the same choices I did in that desert.”

“You can’t promise that.” Bug’s tone was soft, almost like she was trying to talk Bear down.

Bear turned, meeting Priya’s gaze. “What I had to do…” she trailed off, shaking her head at the thought. “I will do whatever I can to make sure that none of you ever face the demons I did. I can promise that much.”

“Bear, what happened wasn’t your fault. None of us have ever blamed you.” There was now urgency in Bug’s voice, pleading with Bear to believe her. “Not a single one.”

“I know you don’t. Only one person deserves the blame.” The words felt foreign in her mouth, like they didn’t belong to her. And for the longest time, they hadn’t. Dr. Carter had spent months ensuring that Bear knew that she had nothing to be blamed for. These words belonged to Dr. Carter, not Bear. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I knew I could survive what I was dealt. That I did what I did so that none of you endured what I did.”

Bug was silent. Bear wouldn’t be swayed from this belief that her sacrifice was a good thing. To Bug, however, it wasn’t. The choice had been made, but Bug was still worried that Bear would make the same decision if the opportunity presented itself. So she hummed, gathering her thoughts. “We did get new equipment earlier this week, wanna see?”

Bear seemed to snap out of her melancholy, standing up. “New equipment? Hell yeah.”

“Come on then. We get to test it out for the first time later today.”

===

Hours later, Bear arrived home. Her body hurt, unused to the rigors of training after being away for so long. It had been a sobering realization, but she had known that she wouldn’t be at 100% from the start. She had to take it slow. Well, slower than previously thought.

But holy shit had it felt good to line up her shots, to watch bullets punch through paper targets, to help T-Pot and Zero find the sweet spot to take their shots. She felt useful again.

So now, sitting on her couch in her pajamas with a bowl of mac and cheese on her lap as she scrolled mindlessly through her phone, Bear was content. Today had been good, save for her one moment with Bug. But when she wrote about her day in the journal she had been given, for once it didn’t feel like she was condemning her actions.

Today was progress.

She was startled from her couch potato state by a knock at the door. Glancing at the time in the corner of her phone, Bear frowned. Who the hell could that be? It was late and while she had the weekend off, it didn’t make sense to have visitors.

Groaning, Bear unwrapped herself from her blanket and stood, her knees and ankles popping as she moved. She made her way over, her socked feet sliding over the wooden floor of her home, and opened the door to see Jake standing on her porch.

It was like all of the air had been punched out of her body as she gazed upon him. Even in the darkness outside, his figure illuminated by the single porch light, setting fire to gold in his blonde hair, resembling a crown, he was beautiful. He always had been beautiful, but now, after five long months, here he was in front of her and Bear was left speechless.

Back where they had first begun. When her feelings had become feelings. Jake on her porch, and Bear standing before him, one hand on the open door. Only this time, there was no pizza.

They stared at one another for a moment, before Bear managed a strangled “Jake.”

“Teddy.”

===

A/N: This cut-off is only because this would have been longer than the last one if I had kept this and the next part together. I’m done hurting people. I promise. @startrekfangirl2233 @sarahsmi13s @dakotakazansky, you guys are incredible.

Taglist: @horseshoegirl @roosters-girl @lovinglyeternal @lavenderbradshaw @roosterforme @bobby-r2d2-floyd @bradleybeachbabe @footprintsinthesxnd @twsssmlmaa @fandomxpreferences @dempy @gizmodear @fighterpilothoe @chaoticassidy @eli2447 @iwantmyredvelvetcupcake @djs8891 @rhirhikingston @sisterslytherinog @impossiblebagelcowboyfreak @sgt-barnesveins @taytaylala12 @urmom-999 @formulapierre @pinkpantheris @havlindzk @a-beaverhausen @killcomet @buxkybarnez @topgunruinedme @hangmanscoming @smoothdogsgirl @a-court-of-roscoe-and-baby

#fern writes #a gun amonst daggers #jake hangman seresin x reader #bear and hangman #jake seresin x reader #top gun maverick #jake seresin imagine #jake hangman imagine #jake hangman x reader #jake seresin x oc #jake seresin series

[eddiesgorlie]

He’s So Lana Pt.2

Read part one here!

Warnings: None!

Word count: 2.7k

Comment to be tagged in Pt.3! Follow me on Tiktok @Epresleyforprexy

The clock ticked so slowly as I waited to close the shop. I read and reread Austins text a million times and it never failed to make me smile and butterflies swarm my tummy. Just those simple words “Dinner at my place at eight?” I kept running it through my head and counting down the seconds. The clock ticked six and I closed the shop in record time, forgetting about sweeping and shutting the computer down. I tossed my bag into the passenger seat of my VW bug and jumped in the front seat, the radio blaring The Beatles as soon as I turned the key.

I didn’t make it home until 6:30 and after calculating, Austins house was a 30 minute drive with traffic so I only had an hour. I only had an hour to pick out an outfit and do my makeup and hair. I quickly ran to my closet and after what seemed to be throwing every single article of clothing on my floor I decided on my all time favorite, holy grail vintage clothing piece, my 70’s Gunne Sax white v-neck midi dress. It had beautiful little purple lavender flowers on it, crystal buttons and lace straps and I matched it with a purple cardigan. I decided to do my hair and makeup first to protect the dress from any possible makeup spills.

I put my hair up in a very loose high ponytail and just put on light pink eyeshadow, mascara and a wine colored lipstick. I looked at the clock to see I had 10 minutes until I had to leave so I quickly took the dress out of its garment bag and pulled it on, matching it with purple Candies heels. I had just enough time to grab a basket and run out to my garden to put together a harvest basket for him. Mom always told me to never show up to a hosts home empty handed.

I put a couple oranges and apples in the basket and a tomato. I clipped some flowers and herbs and added them to the basket and went back inside. I grabbed a jar of blackberry jam and a jar of wine mustard I made the other day. I finished it off by wrapping a fresh loaf of zucchini bread in a cloth and laying it in the basket.

I grabbed my patchwork purse and the basket and ran out of the door. Quickly running back in once I realized I forgot my keys… and to lock the door.

I was incredibly nervous the entire drive. Would he not like my outfit? Or my car? Or not like me? He had only met me for a short time while I was working but what if really getting to know me scared him away like many before him. Dates always had me nervous after my last boyfriend. He was a gentleman and so nice during the first few months but after a while, he became cruel and violent. I have the scars to prove it.

My GPS told me to take a right which a came to a complete stop as I looked at the road to my right. It was gravel and wooded all around. I sighed and hoped the gravel wouldn’t destroy my 1967 VW. I drove slowly and continued to monitor my GPS when it told me the destination was on my left. I didn’t see anything so I drove a little further until a large farmhouse came into view. I parked, grabbed the basket and my purse and walked up to the door, knocking twice before stepping back.

I heard some movement in the house and could see a figure through the stained glass window. The door opened and there he was, wearing a blue apron over his dark jeans and blue denim-like long sleeve button up. “Hi.” I said. “Hey, come on in.” He smiled. I nodded and walked in the house. “Here you go. Thank you for inviting me over.” I smiled, handing him the basket. “Oh of course. You didn’t have to bring anything.” He said, moving somethings around to look at all the items in the basket. “My mom always told me to never arrive at someone’s home empty handed. And its just some things from my garden or made from things from my garden.” I smiled. “I’ve never gotten something this thoughtful.” He smiled. “I hope you like everything.” I said. “I know I will. Come on in, make yourself at home. Dinner is almost done.” He said. I followed him into the kitchen and sat at one of the barstools and watched him cook.

“I have never been on a date with a guy that can cook.” I smiled. “Really? I think more people should try to learn to cook, I really enjoy it.” He said. “I’m definitely more of a baker than chef but I know enough to survive.” I laughed. “Baking is an entire new territory I am yet to conquer.” He said. “What’s your favorite thing to cook?” I asked. “Well, my comfort food is just a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I really enjoy making sourdough grilled cheese and homemade tomato soup.” He said. “Is that what you’re making now?” I asked. “Yeah, is that alright? I didn’t realize how low I was on ingredients until I started cooking.” He laughed. “That sounds wonderful.” I smiled.

He grabbed some cream from the fridge and added it to the soup. “I told you about my family, I’d love to hear about yours.” I said. “Well, I have an older sister, she moved states a couple of years ago and my dad still lives here.” He said. “Have you always lived here in California?” I asked. “Yep, I lived in New York for a little while I was on broadway but I missed this place more than anything.” He said. “So a Cali boy through and through. Do you surf?” I asked. “I tried a couple times but was never successful. I want to try again sometime.” He said. “It’s a lot of fun. My dad taught me.” I said. “I have an extra board, if you want I can take you out sometime and teach you! Its like riding a bike.” I smiled. “I’d really like that.” He said. “You’re going to love it. Maybe one of the times, I can bring my dad so you can learn from the master himself. He hasn’t been out on the water since mom passed so I think it’d be great for him.” I said. “Sorry, that was weird.” I said with a nervous laugh. “No, I think that would be a really great time.” He smiled.

I nodded. After that there was an awkward pause. Damnit, I blew it. I got too comfortable and blew it. “When did you lose your mom?” He asked quietly. “When I was 24, so almost 3 years ago.” I said. He nodded. “When did you lose yours?” I asked. He looked up with a confused and sad look. “How’d you know?” He asked. “I can just tell, there’s apart of you thats lost, searching for something.” I said. “I was 23.” He said. I could tell they were close and that it was a fragile subject for him. “Look at us, two half orphans.” I said, reaching over the counter and stroking his hand.

He took the grilled cheese off of the stove and put them on plates and grabbed bowls for the soup. “Do you have pets?” I asked. “I don’t. I really want a dog though.” He said. “Do you like cats?” I asked. “You know, I’ve never had a pet cat before.” He said. “I have cats. They are the lights of my life.” I laughed. “Cats.. plural?” He laughed. “Yep. I have well um…” I sighed. “2?” He asked. I shook my head. “4?” He asked. “5?” I shook my head. “Oh my. 6?” He laughed. “Close enough. 6 are mine and one just lives with me.” I laughed. “Tell me, how’d you get all of these cats?” He asked. “Well, I found Moe, Larry and Curly on the side of the highway in a bag when they were kittens, Lieutenant Dan showed up in my backyard and he was missing his front paws, Moe ended up being a girl and two kittens, Mercury and Styles and the one that lives with me was my moms cat, she’s a Maine coon named Zeus and weighs 25 pounds.” I said, holding back my laughter. “Oh my, thats a lot of cats.” He said, joining in on my laughter. “I’ll have to meet these cats. But first, is that a cat scratch on your arm?” He asked, referring to the vertical scar on my wrist. “Oh no no, they aren’t aggressive!” I reassured. He smiled.

He spooned the soup into two bowls and put the grilled cheese’s on plates. He grabbed silverware and napkins and set a bowl in front of me, the other on the placemat next to me. “So how’d you get into the record business?” He asked as he sat next to me. “So my parents had a college fund set aside for me, it was enough to go to any school I wanted and get any degree I wanted but of course, me being me, I took all the money and bought the building that is now Lucy In The Sky. My parents of course weren’t to happy about that and thought it’d would be better if I moved out so I moved in with my boyfriend at the time, he was horrible so that pushed me to spend most of my time working on remodeling the shop and hunting for cheap records to buy to get started. It was a journey but now somehow I am the owner of the most successful used record store in California.” I laughed. “That’s amazing. Did your parents ever get over it?” He asked. “I don’t think completely but we became closer again a couple years ago. I think my dad is proud now.” I said. “He should be. You built that all yourself.” He said. “With his money.” I laughed. “But if you didn’t put the work it, money or no money it wouldn’t have mattered.” He said. “I guess you have a point.” I smiled. I dipped the grilled cheese in the soup and took a bite. “Holy shit, that’s amazing.” I said, covering my mouth as I ate. “I’m glad you like it.” Austin said. “Like it? Like it?? This is like death row final meal choice quality!” I said, taking another bite. “Oh it gets better each bite.” I said.

“Tell me, what’d you think of Lana?” I asked. “I honestly don’t know how I’ve gone this long without listening to her.” He said. “Favorite song on the album?” I asked. “Born to die and National Anthem had really nice feels to them but Video Games was an out of body experience.” He said. “That is literally the only way to describe Video Games. That song got me through a lot.” I smiled. “I can tell her music means a lot to you.” He said. “It really does. In the entire shop, she is the only artist we sell new vinyl of.” I said. “I can see why. Her music is lovely. It draws you in like a siren’s song.” He said. “You have a way with words, Austin. Do you write?” I asked. “Thank you. I try to journal everyday but I’ve never written anything serious before.” He said. “You really should. You have the words of a poet.” I said. “Do you write?” He asked. “Yeah, its the only way I can express myself when I’ve feeling stressed or sad, or even happy.” I said. “Thats so beautiful.” He smiled.

We spent the next half hour talking about his upcoming Elvis role along with many other things. “How about we go in the living room and listen to some music?” He asked. “I’d love to but at least let me help with the dishes first.” I said. “Nope, I simply can not allow such a beautiful woman help clean up.” He smiled as he held his hand out. I blushed as I grabbed his hand and we walked into the living room. “Oh no way you have a Rega!” I squealed as I took in his record player and stereo system. “Is that a good one? I picked it up at a place downtown. Your shop doesn’t have record players, right?” He asked. “Its a great one, I’d definitely own one if I could afford it. I’m more of an audio technica gal. And nope, we don’t. Not enough profit.” I said. “Gotcha.” He said. “Do you mind if I?” I asked. “Not at all, go crazy.” He said.

I got down on my knees and turned the receiver on and picked up a record from his shelf. I grabbed Abbey Road. “A classic.” He smiled. “Yes it is.” I said as placed it on the turntable and placed the tone arm down on She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. I let my body flow and move to the music, smiling at Austin as I turned. I reached my hand out to him. “I’m not much of a dancer.” He laughed. “Well we better fix that, soon to be Mr. Presley.” I said as I pulled him up.

I guided him in the movements through the rest of the song. We laughed as he spun me and I came crashing into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his torso as we rocked back and fourth. People would say we honestly looked insane if they say us. I was just happy.

We sat down on the couch as Golden Slumbers came on and I sat down next to him, a slight distance between us as I closed my eyes swayed. “Sleep pretty darlin’ do not cry.” I mouthed. “My mom sang this to me as a lullaby.” I smiled. “Thats beautiful.” He said. I watched as he pretended to yawn and then laid his arm over my shoulders. I leaned into him a little as I tried not to laugh. “That was so lame.” I giggled. “It really was. That was my go to move as a teenager.” He said laughing. I comfortably laid on his chest until the end of the album. “Lets see what else ya’ got.” I smiled as I stood up and went back over to his albums. I put Abbey road back into its sleeve and put it away. “Got any Pink Floyd?” I asked. “I don’t think so.” He said. “Darn, you have a great collection beside the missing Floyd.” I said. “I’d love to see your collection sometime.” He said. “You’ve seen it.” I said. “Hm?” He asked. “The store is my collection. If I have something I want to listen to, I grab it from the store and then put it back on sale.” I said. “That’s actually really smart.” He smiled. “I know, right?” I laughed.

I pulled a record from the shelf and set it on the turntable. The sounds of Lana Del Rey’s Video Games came over the speakers. I sat back down next to him and leaned on his shoulder. I looked up at him, his eyes were closed and lips parted as he listened to the song. “She’s ethereal, isn’t she.” I smiled. “I think you’re ethereal.” He said, looking down at me. I blinked for a moment as I took in his words. I sat up, my legs straddling his. “You’re so beautiful.” He whispered. I looked down as I blushed. His hand came up and lifted my chin to look at him. “Don’t get shy on me.” He said. He pushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. My heart took over as I flew forward and placed a heavy kiss on his lips. His hands buried in my hair and pulled me impossibly closer as my heart felt as though it was beating out of my chest. His thumb brushed against my bottom lip once I pulled away. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He smiled. “Not bad yourself.” I smiled.

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[thegeminisage]

it's star trek update time. last night* we watched, well,

pics taken moments before disaster ^

sighing deeply. ok. *i'm typing this at fuck o clock so technically it was earlier today but this post will go up while i'm at work. anyway here we go:

dark page (tng):

i don't want to talk about it.

rules of acquisition (ds9):

me having to watch this after dark page must count as some kind of cruel and unusual punishment

i was hoping ds9 could make me like the ferengi. i think whoever wrote this episode was trying. dax's little pro-ferengi speech. sure. and here's this ferengi woman, fighting for acceptance and change in her own way. yeah. fine.

unfortunately i think the episode undercut its own message a little in two ways: firstly, by having kira and dax getting groped nonstop without kira getting to break any fingers. like, non-ferengi women won't and shouldn't tolerate that, but for some reason in this episode they do...? i was especially steamed on kira's behalf; at least dax didn't seem to care as much. like, shouldn't the point be that that behavior is UNacceptable, instead of "oh it's not so bad once you get to know them"? and secondly, i think the impact pel made on odo was a little understated. the only real hint we got at him seeing a new way of things vs just him trying to protect himself was him offering pel the money to start a new life with, for free. you could tell because of his acting chocies there was a lot happening under the surface - like, he's always trying to get his own ass out of the fire, but he seemed protective of PEL rather than his own interests in several scenes there, particularly ditching his bar - but we didn't get to see most of the stuff that could ACTUALLY have been interesting bc we were too busy watching the nagus feel people up and eat bugs ha ha quirky fun! now THERE'S a guy that belongs on tng! extremely unendearing. you can win me over to um. some characters. but not this guy.

i was VERY surprised they let quark and pel kiss when quark was under the impression pel was a dude. not only was it a really funny "i thought i was GAY ping" moment, it also feels weirdly...progressive...? for 1993. along with dax assuming pel's in love with quark while ALSO still assuming pel is a guy. even though they kind of ruined it later

actually, the more i think about it the more pel reads as a trans man. is it right to categorize someone as trans when really they're just trying to get out of horrifically oppressive gender roles? maybe not, but the way quark managed to be super homophobic and misogynistic to pel at the same time ("you didn't kiss me" ok self-gaslighting king) feels so much like transphobia, and the way quark utterly rejected pel because of what she (he?) IS even despite the bond and chemistry they'd formed, AND dax, also trans, seemed to clock pel pretty quickly as being Some Kind Of Queer Like Me...i am Seeing

like, pel is all, hey we can run away together! fuck gender roles, who cares if i wear clothes! and quark is straight up like I Would Care. his internalized Whatever is keeping him from being happy with someone he clicked with, whether that's for a single night or an entire lifetime. there WAS a queer theme here. it was almost more about being queer than it was about sexism, except it wasn't actually about either of those because they fumbled the landing a little bit plus i feel like some censorship was probably happening and so the whole thing wound up being muddy. i did like quark's lisa simpson stare at the end though. girl, mood

TONIGHT: tng's "attached" and ds9's "necessary evil" I KNOW IT'S AN ODO EPISODE i'm very excited

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #ds9 lb #3.05 the bonding:wesley crusher::7.07 dark page:lwaxana troi iykyk

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

Thinking about that post you reblogged about Dana not liking to write Belos, and while obviously I could be wrong, I think it could explain the worldbuilding inconsistencies. The people constantly questioning and disagreeing with Belos when it makes no sense for them to do so feels like the writers wanting to have their cake and eat it too - wanting people to do that because they themselves don’t like Belos. Again, could be wrong, but it does feel like that to me.

Belos has a very interesting trajectory from initial concept to the final product; originally he had a more shaman-like design and was a royal adviser to a bug family but they changed that to Puritan witch-hunter. How, when, and why they did that I do not know, but it shows that this character went through many redesigns and rewrites. I suspect that the constant revisions both to his character and consequently, to the world itself plays a role in this inconsistency but the show is also not shy about playing favorites which is also a factor.

I do agree that the show seems to want to have their cake and eat it too regarding Belos: he is the supreme dictator of the Boiling Isles, but during Eda's petrification ceremony, the crowd is easily persuaded to turn against him by two teenagers. Since Eda is not only a wild witch but a known criminal, then it stands to reason that the crowd would want her executed, right?

But no, the crowd supports Eda and she never suffers for being a wild witch, only her curse is what causes all of her problems. The fact that no one really cares about the EC outside of its reinforcers is also a huge problem of the show. The show can’t decide how it wants the EC to be portrayed: an all-powerful tyrannical dictatorship or an annoyance with easily defeated goons who just get in the heroes’ way. 

That’s just one example of inconsistencies in world-building, but it is also present in the characters as well. We see character retcons or even have the rug pulled out from the audience with Kikimora and the Blights; it was teased that Kiki may actually miss her family and that there is some conflict between them but that turned out to be a huge lie. Before that, Amity’s parents are both shown to have pushed her to separate from Willow but then it turns out that it’s only Odalia who is the bad parent while Alador is simply neglectful and is also abused by his wife. 

And these three characters aren’t even the only ones: Amity’s siblings also bully her but are never given a reason for why and it’s never really addressed again. Darius is introduced as being dismissive and cruel to Hunter and only changes his attitude once Hunter stands up to him. I don’t know, it’s pretty messed up to imply that an abused child only gets respect from an authority figure once he’s shown a little backbone.

Finally, there’s the Collector; who had a pretty malicious streak in how he saw the grimwalkers as play things and was excited to see Belos kill Hunter and make another one. Then it’s revealed that he’s actually a lonely little kid who just wants to play with none of his previous characteristics present.

This isn't to say that once a character is presented one way that that is their only characterization, but there needs to be a logical progression and natural development in how these different aspects are shown and how a character changes.

It feels like the show is uninterested in depicting nuanced villains and shows them as always evil and any attempt to find humanity in them is laughable. On the flip side, there are the creator’s favorite characters who have any sort of edge sanded off of them in order to be more likable and in most cases, another victim of Belos.

#the owl house #toh critical #emperor belos #philip wittebane #asks

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFJ here, 28F but questioning my gender identity. My question and its context is kinda NSFW, but has been bugging me for a long time now.

I believe I’m asexual and recently started wondering if I might be aromantic too. A couple of weeks ago, after a make-out session with a queer platonic partner (45M, romantic and possibly demisexual), I realized that looking at my body in the context of what we’re doing turns me off.

A little history here, I’ve always envisioned myself as a guy in my head growing up; I wanted to get gender affirming surgery at one point; and only recently have become more accepting of my body as something that I need to take care of and sustain, and not be cruel and uncaring towards. I also spend most of my time in my head, so my body has always been a cage of flesh and blood to me.

Another thing that also happened to me before is that after having sex with an ex, I felt like my mind was slowly coming back to my body and wondering if I had been the one doing all of the things that I did. It felt very distant, mechanical, and maybe even disgusting? I—or my brain—seemed very critical of what had happened. It was a consensual affair, but it almost feels like my mind dissociated even though I seemed to be enjoying it in the moment.[end of warning]

I thought that these two occurrences could be due to my inferior Se—the magnitude of external stimuli in the moment that needs to be processed—and my Fe in overdrive—feeling what the other person is feeling, because I feel I am very empathic—when I’m remotely intimate/physical with someone. Do you think that could be the case? Is it possible that these two functions contribute to my asexuality and aromanticism? How about gender identity?

I’m also wondering if maybe it is the self-image that my Ni has of myself and my body that doesn’t align with what my body actually looks like. In which case, I feel it’s closer to dysphoria? Is it something that I can work on by developing myself as a person, like in the dev guide? I feel very lost & confused. I’m trying to take the right steps by checking in with myself, talking to my therapist & my qpp, but I’d appreciate any guidance you could give. Tnx & happy pride! <3

-------------------

Happy pride month! You're bringing up a really, really complex issue. Two issues, actually: gender identity and sexual orientation. The fact is there hasn't been enough research about them, let alone research that would link them to personality type. In a lot of ways, mental health professionals are kind of allowing LGBTQ+ people to set the stage for how best to help and counsel them. While empathy and compassion go a long way to ease the pain of prejudice and discrimination, it's hard to find a therapist who really understands this kind of experience unless they've been through something similar as well.

I mention all of this as a disclaimer because it's important to acknowledge that a lot of what we think we know about gender identity and sexual orientation is very much speculative or merely opinion. Because LGBTQ+ experiences have also been heavily politicized into wedge "issues", it's also important to note that the people who speak the loudest about these issues aren't necessarily the ones you should be trusting.

I will start out by stating the fact that asexuality and transgenderism exist. There are studies that reveal neurological differences between allosexual and asexual people, as well as cisgender and transgender people. For instance, asexual people show less attentional and emotional engagement with sexual imagery.

That being said, I am not aware of any definitive and objective way to verify whether someone is actually asexual, aromantic, or transgender outside of what they believe is true about themselves. There are cases of people who come to believe they are asexual because they're operating on an oversimplified definition of it as "not liking sex", or aromantic as "absence of romantic feelings". That can't be the whole story, because humans are very complicated.

The person may or may not actually be asexual and/or aromantic. When you take into consideration the complexity behind why they dislike sex or have no/muted romantic feelings, it could be something seemingly unrelated to orientation. For example: physical or mental health issues; hormonal or libidinal issues; going through religious or moral education that downplayed romance or demonized sexuality; fear of vulnerability; fear of intimacy; insecure attachment; too many negative romantic/sexual experiences that weren't properly processed; having suffered sexual abuse or trauma; etc.

One way to sidestep the either/or trap is by understanding asexuality and aromanticism as a spectrum, where sex drives fluctuate, romantic attraction and feelings ebb and flow, etc. At this time, we take people at their word when they claim to be asexual and/or aromantic. We treat it as a factual statement about their current attraction patterns, sex drive levels, and relationship preferences. But this isn't very helpful for someone who's really questioning their own existence.

As you alluded to in your case, there is a chance it could be more related to personality development issues than sexual/romantic orientation. IF that's the case, developing your Fe and Se functions would eventually lead you to find meaning in emotional connection with a romantic partner and enjoyment in sexual activity. But the word "IF" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

I'm not a therapist, so I will only speak to type development if you are truly interested in developing Fe+Se and seeing where it takes you. With regard to Ni, a self-image can change and evolve when new experiences allow you to see yourself in a new light. Challenge yourself to build as many strong relationships with people as you can mentally and emotionally manage. It's important that you interact with as wide a variety of people from all walks of life as you can find. This allows you to experience the fullest range of what human relationships can offer you, so it prevents you from drawing bad conclusions from too small a sample of what's actually out there.

In the process of building these strong relationships, you will certainly run into problems. Pause and reflect whenever you meet an issue, difficulty, or conflict in yourself. Inquire into what it really means and what it says about you. Of course, you can ask for help from a therapist about how to interpret your feelings. Use real-world experiences to reveal all the obstacles in your mind that might be preventing you from connecting with people emotionally, romantically, and sexually. If it's possible for you to remove those obstacles, then maybe the issue is more psychological and you are not as asexual or aromantic as you believe you are at the moment, if at all.

To be clear, I'm not advocating for any kind of conversion therapy approach. I'm not saying you have to try to turn yourself allosexual. The main point is that you have to dig really deep into yourself and discover what's really there. As an Fe type, part of that process involves systematic experimentation as a means to learn important truths about yourself -> other people are your mirrors. When Fe is underdeveloped, people don't see themselves clearly and their self-concept can be heavily distorted by unconscious social pressures and expectations. An important aspect of Fe development is becoming fully conscious of social influences, such that you discover the boundary between where you end and others begin. And the most efficient way to learn is through firsthand experience in actual relationships.

With regard to gender identity: Disembodiment is a known defense mechanism, and it's not an uncommon manifestation of inferior Se issues. At the very least, it signals that something's awry when you're using it as an escape. I don't know where you live, but it certainly doesn't help that in Western culture, with its roots in Abrahamic religions and ancient Greek philosophy, there is a rather strong undercurrent of devaluing "earthly" things like the body and viewing the (especially woman's) body as a source of impurity, evil, or imprisonment of the soul. Western culture strangely divides up the mind and body in a way that makes it difficult to feel like a whole and integrated being. This is part of why Westerners get fascinated by Eastern cultures and their more holistic ways of thinking.

If you're serious about exploring gender, then you really have to dig deep into the concepts of masculinity and femininity and everything in between. Gender is largely a social construct but many people don't actually understand the full implications of this claim. Some people think a social construct isn't "real". Some people think a social construct can be easily changed at the snap of a finger. Neither is correct. I'm not going to get into the weeds of gender theory, for that you can consult the recommended books on the resources page. Suffice it to say that one cannot have a proper understanding of one's own gender without considering how the concept of gender is constructed by the society one lives in.

For example: The majority of cultures around the world are patriarchal. If you don't know what that really means, the takeaway point is that femininity has traditionally been underappreciated, even devalued. In a heavily patriarchal society, everyone is socialized to view men as superior and women as inferior in all the domains of life that are considered important to that society. Socializing people like this is about upholding traditional roles and hierarchies from one generation to the next. In the worst cases, women are treated as property or commodities to be used, traded, and abused at will.

Living in a society that devalues your existence, it would make sense that some women would want to disavow femininity or womanhood in order to preserve self-esteem and sanity. After the women's liberation movement of the 1970s, a portion of women understood "feminism" as being equal to men and doing all the things that men do, so they started wearing suits, getting obsessed with careers, and behaving more aggressively. But that was misguided because it meant further uplifting masculine ideals at the expense of the feminine.

As someone born with a female body, viewed as and treated as a woman by the society you live in, it is important for you to go through the process of opening up your mind to exploring and, if necessary, unlearning sexist thinking about what it means to be a "woman". If after having gone through this process of "deprogramming" your social conditioning and releasing yourself from rigid gender stereotypes, you realize that you're comfortable being a woman in a female body, then okay.

However, if you've gone through all that and you are no longer influenced by sexism and you still have no real connection to the concepts of femininity or womanhood, then you can feel more confident in calling yourself something else, something that more accurately captures what you are. You may decide to call yourself man, woman, nonbinary, transgender, androgynous, agender. It's about what fits you best when you think of your gender (or lack thereof). The takeaway point is: You'll only be able to see what you really are when your mind is truly free and clear of all the outside noise that pressures you into being something you're not. This goes back to needing Fe development and being more conscious of your position within society and how it affects you.

Since you're asking for my thoughts, I'll be transparent in offering my personal opinion and you can take it as you will: One of the problems with construing gender and sexual orientation as an "identity" is that it can sometimes become an obstacle on your path to realizing your true self. By putting a label on yourself, you are more likely to feel at peace, discover peers, and feel solidarity with a community - that much is true. But there's also a darker side to it. Sociopolitically, a label means you inhabit a predefined role, you have images and expectations placed upon you by society that you will feel pressured to live up to (due to Ni+Fe), you have a more fixed concept of who you are that could inadvertently cut off your potential for change and growth in meaningful directions. While I understand and support the case for labels and their ability to clarify one's existence, I also believe that labels eventually outlive their usefulness and have to be transcended in order to realize one's full potential as a human being.

#infj #auxiliary fe #inferior se #disembodiment #gender #lgbtq #asexual #aromantic #transgender #ask

[uptoolateart]

I keep thinking about the theme of transformation. Butterflies are well-chosen as the akumas because they induce transformation from your average person into a temporary villain...but also because they force Marinette and Adrien (and friends) to transform into superheroes - not to mention Gabriel’s transformation into whatever villain persona he’s chosen for himself this week.

So, bear with me here, but - when caterpillars turn into butterflies or moths, they digest themselves one cell at a time, even the brain cells. There are only three cells remaining at the end of the process, which mutate and spawn the growth of the creature’s winged form.

A few years ago, I looked into whether or not we know if the final insect remembers its time as a caterpillar. In other words...did the caterpillar die? Naturally, people have done some very cruel experiments involving electric shocks and determined that such bugs do, in fact, retain some memories from their previous form, despite their old brains completely dissolving. There’s a lot we could say on that, but the point is....

The journey from caterpillar to butterfly parallels the human coming-of-age process (minus the self-digestion and wing sprouting) - and transformation sequences in any show symbolise this, too.

It takes time to grow. We never really stop. So what we see in shows like Miraculous is our heroes gradually increasing in self-confidence and assimilating their superpowers into their daily lives. At the same time, villains start letting their evil slip through their carefully molded facades. In other words, each character’s dual nature starts to blend into one persona.

This process of transformation mirrors alchemy - and if you bear with me again, I really do think the writers are aware of this, particularly because of how many times we hear / read about the need to ‘purify’ the akuma (which I’ll get to in a bit). 

When we hear about alchemy, we usually think of the magical practice of turning lead into gold. However, this is largely metaphor for self-actualisation / personal transformation. Beyond physical chemistry, alchemy was (and still is) a sort of philosophy expressed in code.

There are 7 stages of alchemy, which are noted below. For our purposes, I’m going to explore how they each relate to Miraculous and the general subject of personal growth. When thinking about story / character arcs, bear in mind that these 7 stages occur over a long period of time, rather than overnight / in a single episode.

1. Calcination - Burning the ‘prima materia’ (your starting material) into ash. In other words, relinquishing our attachments to the physical world, e.g. desires for fame, glory, money, etc.

Marinette is forced to let go of her dreams of being a ‘normal’ teenage girl, instead having to take up responsibilities she never asked for.

Adrien lost his mother and started school for the first time. At the end of Glaciator 2.0, he understood that he needed to drop the act he’d slipped into and simply be himself...whatever that might mean. He’ll have another big calcination moment when he finds out his father is his enemy and he has to make the choice to let his mother go.

For akuma victims, I believe calcination is the moment when they first get taken over by Monarch.

Monarch’s calcination moment could be when he lost Emilie. It changed the course of events forever.

2. Dissolution - Taking the ashes left from the calcination process and dissolving them in water.

Water is traditionally a symbol for the unconscious, i.e. dreams, hidden desires, our shadow side - everything we don’t want to admit about ourselves, for one reason or another. Dissolution is therefore when we delve deep into the parts of ourselves we have previously ignored.

Adrien spent a lot of Season 4 stuck in this stage, dealing with his attachment to Ladybug and his spot in the team, not to mention issues with his father. In Kuro Neko, he actively broke out of the Cat Noir persona, trying on new skins, as it were.

For Marinette, I think the key moment was her breakdown at the end of Strike Back, when she was forced to admit that she couldn’t do it all on her own. Dissolution can be wonderful, because it clears the way for something better. We also saw a breakthrough at the end of Perfection, when she finally understood what was holding her back from speaking normally around Adrien.

For akuma victims, it’s worth noting that when they transform their old form appears to dissolve before our eyes, before being replaced by what I always see as their shadow form. They don’t become ‘evil’ - they simply give in to their worst selves, rather than keeping all of that in balance. Think of Cat Blanc - he’s tragic rather than evil, the embodiment of all the anger, sorrow and doubt Adrien carries inside, without any of Adrien’s optimism to keep it in check.

I think Gabriel has been stuck in this dissolution phase throughout the series. He’s so entrenched in his own misery and lust for power that he’s allowing it to consume him.

3. Separation - Separating and filtering the products of dissolution. Symbolically, this is sifting through the qualities we have uncovered within ourselves, to determine what we should focus on and what we should let go of.

Adrien went through this in a big way in Kuro Neko, as he actively tried to work out who he truly was. This took shape at the end of Strike Back, and it came to a fore in season 5 when he finally told his father he doesn’t want to be a model. He has literally been separating from his father and, in a way, from Ladybug. He stopped letting others dictate what he should be and started focusing on what he wants.

Marinette is still working through all of this, but after her revelation at the end of Perfection, she’s primed to move forward.

Regarding the akumas, we could see this as the moment when the akuma is removed and the victim is freed. They have separated from Monarch / their controller.

Gabriel seems to have decided he wants to keep the darker aspects of himself and relinquish any good he may have previously had. In season 5, when he tells Nathalie he has to succeed because he has nothing left to lose, this is him declaring that he’s leaving his former self behind.

4. Conjunction - Combining the elements we decided to keep at the separation stage and mixing them into a new substance. This is the process of reintegration within ourselves, when we become something more than we were before. We have dropped the masks we once wore and are now more honest and whole.

In Season 5 especially, we have seen both Adrien and Marinette act more like their alter egos, even without the masks. Similarly, we have also seen Cat Noir and Ladybug behave more like Adrien and Marinette - because ‘Adrien’ and ‘Marinette’ are a kind of costume, too. When they fully integrate both aspects of themselves, they will be more complete individuals.

Similarly, Gabriel has begun behaving more like Monarch. For example, I noted in a previous post that we saw him do his evil villain laugh as Gabriel, for the first time. He’s letting his darkness show, and that means people will begin to see through him, at last.

For akuma victims, this is the stage we never get to see because we don’t see most of them after they’re freed. But we see some, like Alya, Nino and other friends. Based on this, I like to think every victim learns something from the experience and take steps to integrate their shadow side and outer persona to become a more whole person.

This whole subject is a Jungian idea, which I’m really into. I wrote a whole thing about Adrien accepting his Cat Blanc ‘shadow’ side in my fic Breaking Free. I’m a big believer in the need for this, to maintain mental health.

5. Fermentation - Adding bacteria, etc. to the substance to aid the breakdown process. Symbolically, this means new experiences and trials we go through as this new, more complete self, each one adding to who we are and shaping us further.

6. Distillation - The substance is boiled and condensed for purification. Similarly, we self-reflect and ‘purify’ ourselves as we evolve.

As I mentioned earlier, in season 1 we learn that it’s not enough just to free a victim from an akuma. The akuma will fly around and spread the negativity it previously brought. Left unchecked, it multiplies. In life, this is seen when we haven’t truly dealt with a problem but only put a temporary salve on it - a plaster on a broken leg.

Purifying the akuma - visually shown as the butterfly turning white again - symbolises that moment when we let go of all the things that bring us down and hold us back in life, even if it means letting go of aspects of ourselves. It’s a moment of self-cleansing and refreshment.

7. Coagulation - The substance is crystallised into a solid state once more.

In other words, we’ve come full circle and can begin the whole process anew - because we never stop growing. Even when we reach the end of Miraculous, if these characters were real they would continue to grow over and over and over.... Likewise, each and every one of us will go through the transformative process again and again, taking memories from each previous form and carrying them with us into our next metamorphosis.

#ml meta #mlb meta #ml analysis #mlb analysis #transformation #butterflies #alchemy #miraculous #ml s5 #mlb s5 #ml adrien #ml marinette #ml gabriel #Gabriel Agreste's A+ Parenting #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #ml ladybug #ml cat noir #ml chat noir #cat noir #chat noir #chat blanc #cat blanc #LadyNoir #adrinette #adrienette #ladrien #masks #identities #dissolution

[soccerpunching]

Hissatsu Technique Headcanons #1

The Bug Whisperer

Assumed Position: Defending Midfielder

*Anybody can use any of these in their fics or wherever as long as this blog or @/loreofthefritz (-> me on other socials) is credited. This is just something I do for fun.

Name: Creepy Crawler

Dribble Hissatsu

Description: Before the opponent/s even get to have a chance to stop her dribbling, she'll activate the technique by pointing at the soccer ball at her feet. The ball then sprouts monstrous brown hairy spider legs as red eyes pop out. The spider-ball starts skittering between and around the opponents in an uncomfortable manner until it and Yuuka get passed all of them together.

Weakness: Someone who isn't scared of the monstrousity and agile enough to chase after the skittering ball to smash its legs and stop it from moving

Inspiration: She realized Shuuya wouldn't try taking the ball from her if the thing he hates the most (spiders) would be involved. She thought if a guy like her brother can't take spiders, other people wouldn't either. The legs are also the ones huntsman spiders have.

Effective on: One to four opponents

Name: Picnic Thief

Steal Hissatsu

Description: Yuuka would guess what kind of confectionery the opponent dribbling the ball likes. Sometimes she would even chat them up to say, "You look like a mochi fan," with a glowing sweet smile. She then stops in front of her opponent and extends her arm their way as a giant version of a confectionery that the player likes appears in front of them. Mesmerized by the appetizing sight, the opponent stops for a bit to gawk and gets caught offguard by giant ants that appear from the ground. The ants hoard the player and pile on them. Yuuka steals the ball as the opponent (usually) screams.

Weakness: Another opponent who would steal the ball back to her (if they're skilled enough to get pass her)

Inspiration: From the sweets her brother makes for her

Effective on: One opponent

Name: Summer Screech

Dribble/Steal Hissatsu

Description: Yuuka extends her hands and out go multitudes of cicadas only recognizable because of the buzzing and clicking sounds from her hands. The opponent/s get confused as they get surrounded. The cicadas' calls become extremely loud that it'll temporarily make the opponent/s sick. This is the moment Yuuka dribbles pass them all or steal the ball from them.

Weakness: Anticipating the attack and not letting her start it

Inspiration: She thinks cicadas are underrated and should be appreciated

Effective on: One to three opponents

Related Yuuka Headcanons:

Titles for her that I thought of because of these moves:

The Cruel Princess of the Field

Brutal Princess

Insect/Bug Princess

The Bug Tamer

Creature Whisperer

Yuuka in the field:

Bug and confectionery-themed (which really confuses everyone)

Really playfully intense

Sweet and dangerous

She's fast, agile, precise, and really efficient at changing marks

She likes talking to her opponents as she plays; mostly friendly, sometimes a bit condescending

She's awfully charming and is a fan favorite for an entirely different reason than her brother is

Likes the attention and showing off

Waves at her brother before the match starts

She plays/practices with her brother when they have the time so she became good at understanding how a striker thinks

Others:

She actually wants to be an entomologist but she likes playing soccer casually and as a hobby

Doesn't stop her from getting recruited though since she's pretty skilled

She would have been a star in the football frontier had they accepted girls to participate during her time

She still competes in soccer in high school

I have ones for other characters here too: Hissatsu Techniques Headcanon Masterlist. Or explore the tag #hissatsu imagined by lore

#gouenji yuuka #julia blaze #inazuma eleven #inazuma eleven go #ie imagined by lore #hissatsu imagined by lore #tw // spiders #spiders mention #tw spiders #cw spiders #tw ants

[foster-the-moths]

do u have any . mark hcs to spare

OH BOY DO I!!!!!!!

-ive mentioned this before but I think he loves bugs but HATES reptiles. Unironically thinks snakes are a little bit evil. But will also pick up wasps with no problem.

-i think he has Very unregulated emotions and he has a lot of trouble processing them, and most of the time he just represses that shit. Like he will be standing there doing nothing, space out, start thinking about his place in the universe, be overwhelmed by soul-crushing despair, start crying, and then shut down his emotions and force himself to stop crying. All in the span of 1 minute. Like nobody even notices unless they were paying attention to him. This happens multiple times a day. Please get him a healthier coping mechanism

- I've seen some ppl hc mark with ocd and they are so right. i think he definitely has a compulsion related to numbers/patterns and gets absorbed by his thoughts a lot. also intrusive thoughts.

-OH i also think he picks at his skin and lips and maybe pulls out his hair sometimes. he'll just start bleeding and go ooops

-i see a lot of people hc that mark was going through a really hard time during the events of vol 1 and i agree but i propose to you. what if he had already gone through a bunch of shit and was finally getting better. what if he was finally taking better care of himself, he didn't feel like he was drowning 24/7, he felt alive. and then he answers the phone in vol1 and its all violently ripped away from him. finally wanting to live only to be doomed to die is a cruel fate.

-also i think he loves cats. i think thats p much canon but its very important to me.

-i also have a lot of hcs i go back and forth on. like would he be horrified if he saw someone smoke weed or would he tell them to pass the blunt. i cant decide which one is funnier so its in hc limbo. Honestly I have like. 20 different interpretations of each tmc character in my head.

#ending this here but i have. so many thoughts on this guy #tmc #asks #tmc hc #<-new tag maybe

[dazzle-writes]

ahajsjsjsjsjs hi!! i hope you’re having a good day! i was wondering if i could please get a matchup for trigun? (any era/form is cool! though stampede is my current hyperfixation i love it sm). im bisexual & use she/her pronouns :)

for my personality, id say im pretty bubbly and excitable. i’m an esfp & cancer, & i try to look on the bright side and try to cheer up people when they’re sad. im very affectionate with the people im close to, and i kinda cling onto my friends arms and hug them a lot. i love anything soft or cute, especially animals!! im kinda scared of bugs though, but i still always try to take them outside, even if i have to go kicking and screaming. i get distracted pretty easily, i also really like going for walks, shopping, yoga, baking, and reading. i really like to look after people, but sometimes that makes it so i kinda disregard my own needs. im a bit of people pleaser, and i tend to look for the best in others! though i can’t really tolerate it if somebody is overly cruel or rude to the people i care about. i can be really bossy & a bit unreasonable when it’s something i’m interested in. appearance wise, im 5’1 & have fairly long light brown hair. my eyes are hazel, im fairly pale with a few freckles sitting across my face, & my cheeks are perpetually rosy andjfjjek. i also really like to do makeup, both on myself and others. like, i’ll be in pjs and putting on lip gloss also since i’m on the shorter side, i like to wear really big shoes because it makes me feel cool!

thank you!! <3

UWA YOUR ENERGY IS SO CUTE!!!! be my friend pls.

Immediately Tristamp Vash, I can't help it!!! You are so bubbly and sweet and so is he!! Although I can also see you with 98 Vash as well!! Vash all around for you!!! But I'll stick to more Tristamp Vash

~Loves that you are short. Vash is already a tall guy, especially because he's a Plant, but he likes being able to just surround you with his embrace.

~Do!!! This!!! Mans!!! Makeup!!!

~He would LOVE IT if you would have a skincare routine w/ him at nighttime, or if you did something like his eyeliner in the morning! He can't stop giggling and winking at you, but it makes him feel close to you!!

~As a Plant, acts of service is a really big love language for him and others of his species! So he balances you out by over-caring for you as much as you over-care for him.

~Loves that you are also as big of a softie as he is!! He is also not a bug fan, so he will also scream and cry when he has to carry a worm back outside to the desert.

~Literally goes "Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!" And gently sets them on the ground, furiously wiping his hands

~Wolfwood and Meryl take one look at you two and go "Oh god there's two of them"

~You occasionally steal his coat and it SWALLOWS you whole. You disappear. Vash thinks its the cutest thing ever, he loves how small you are!!!

~Loves pinching his own cheeks so he can go "now we match!" Whenever he glances at your own pink cheeks.

~Knives takes one look at you two and goes" Oh god there's two of them. Guess she has to come with us now." and will BEGRUDGINGLY allow you to live in his Eden simply because you'll make Vash happy.

~The amount of times Vash has begged you to teach him to bake is astounding. (He is a disaster in the kitchen, be warned). He loves when you make him

~Loves it when you teach him Yoga! Is actually super tight in a lot of places from his mechanical limbs being attached, so he loves it when you help him loosen up.

~It amazes him how much more limber he is after one of your sessions. He could dodge a million bullets!!!

~He counts your freckles at night instead of sheep when he's trying to fall asleep

~Has matching shoes w/ you. He loves the big shoes aesthetic too, so he loves having matching clothing.

~ This backfires on him when someone takes a look at a similar coat he got for you and mistakes you for Vash, trying to stake a claim to the sixty billion double dollar bounty

~Homie about threw away his "love and peace" ideals when he saw you get snatched away

~Definitely roughs them up more than he needs to

~As you guys get to Julai, facing off against Knives post gate-incident (So Vash is all dark and has the cube now) You absolutely tear Knives a new asshole, yanking on his ear and everything to chew him out for all the pain he caused Vash and others

~The doctor is staring at you like 0.0

~Vash just about proposes to you right then and there, realizing how much he loves that you go to bat for him like that

~Knives is like ???? In pure shock that you dared to touch him, then he starts listening to your words and realizing you may have a point in the fact that he's been unnecessarily cruel to his brother

~Lowkey you remind them both of Rem in that moment when she would scold them.

~Uh-oh, cubes about to explode!!

~Huh? Whats this? The cube didn't explode!!! Horaayyyy!!!

~You, Vash, and the others immediately skip town, and Vash is struggling to keep his hands to himself and try to make out with you as quietly as he can in the back of the van,

~You all split up and hide out in Julai for the night, Meryl and Wolfwood giving you two some much needed space

~He asks you to go on a walk with him when things quiet down enough in the city, and just absolutely melts into your arms

~"I was so worried, I thought you were going to die!!! I thought I was going to die!!!"

~Lots of teary kisses and sobs into your shoulder

~Clings to you for the rest of the night. After that night you two get closer, if that's even possible. He also gains a bit of a possessive streak over you, often standing behind you and kissing the top of your head when people get to close to you for his liking

~LORD HAVE MERCY Vash has no backbone when it comes to his brother EXCEPT for you (and the others too but mainly you). He gets all growly and his abilities start kicking in, he gets feral for you girlypop

~Still your sweet little Vash at the end of the day!!!

AHHHHH I hope you enjoyed!!! I see you two as such a pair, it kills me!!

#tristamp #trigun #matchups #razz writes #vash x reader #vash the stampede

[astroboyanalysis]

9. Robot Land

Hello again. I still don't know how frequent these will be but I have not abandoned this, I just had a big preparation for a performance assessment that took a long time.

Ochanomizu so sillies for this visual gag. Actually, there have been a lot of visual gags I didn't note, like Ochanomizu and Dr. Haido licking each other while greeting. Y'know, normal stuff.

It's interesting that Atom got as far as the room of monsters to have this qualm, although he did seem a little preoccupied before this point

I assume by "suffer" he does not mean directly Feel Pain, rather that they won't be able to live a normal life. We saw that he mentioned something similar in the plant people liveblog. It's very possible it's just me, but this seems like an outdated sentiment that would easily be co-opted into euthanasia, although obviously that was not Tezuka's intent.

He's right, but it's tricky.

When we think of robots in Astro Boy, a lot of the time they're very locked into the thing they were made for. A plumber robot will plumb, a doctor robot will practice medicine, a robot meant to act a role will act that role. The two roles I just mentioned were necessary for society, and generally those robots are shaped in a way that would let them live a normal life outside of their job.

These robots are functionally actors, but they're actors of a single role. It isn't really that they're created for an express purpose that's a problem, it's that that purpose isn't really necessary. A consciousness is being brought into the world for amusement only, and many of them are stuck in those shapes of monsters or trees that are alive or whatever.

But here we run into an issue that is common in Astro Boy, even newer Astro Boy up to 2003 (I am not as familiar with things like Atom: The Beginning), and it's that everything that has new technology in it must be a sentient robot. A major part of me thinks this is kind of silly - What is the point of putting a consciousness into a car? The car is still following your orders. The car could just as well be operated by a robot that can exit the car and live normally outside of the car, or remotely piloted by an AI as more of a tool than its own living (ish) thing. What is the point of putting a consciousness into what is functionally a puppet for children's entertainment, when this could be controlled by a "puppet master" AI somewhere and save a ton on computers and parts.

(TANGENT: Alternatively, what's the point that a robot deserves rights? If I make a robotic bug, and its sentience is very similar to that of a real bug - It seeks out dark places, it may be a little curious about if something is desirable to it or if its a foe, and that's about it- Is that bug a sentient robot? Is the role of a bug not worthwhile for a robot if that robot isn't aware of any further parts of life, and can't be by the limitations of its hardware? What if I extend it up to a robotic cat or dog? It can be clever, it can make decisions independently, it can want and it can probably, to some extent, love. Is that cruel? Why is this admittedly silly fairy-tale ecosystem not composed of a variety of levels of sentience instead of a bunch of robots capable of understanding what they don't have, that are actors playing a role instead of the role itself? Where does sentience start and end? This is a question Astro Boy doesn't evaluate, as far as I remember. But an automated traffic light is taking in information and making "decisions" based on that information. Is it a robot (in Astro Boy's definition, which is more like "AI" or "sentient")? Okay, I'm ending the tangent here.)

So, there's the major part of me that thinks everything being a robot is silly. And then there's a part of me that sees what we're doing with "AI" right now and modern technology in general (I don't think it's actually AI, by my own definition, anyway. It is not thinking, and we don't expect it to. Society's goal with current AI is not anything independent, but rather seems to be to automate jobs that people do not want to pay humans for.) and it looks pretty similar. Why does this app need AI? Why does this refrigerator need wifi to function? The answer is, they really don't. We toss extra "new" things into them so that they're more appealing as purchases, so they seem more Modern.

I suppose, to some extent, we can read this story similarly, although the issue of sentience and consciousness being involved makes it very different.

But basically. It's a silly story, it has that same silly issue a lot of Astro Boy has where everything is a robot (although in this case it's being brought into question - it just doesn't work for me because I know of many instances where it is NOT brought into question), and a much more effective way to accomplish the idea of a theme park like this would be to have individual "puppet" animatronics that are all operated by a "puppet master" AI that is located elsewhere in the park (and the part of me that likes more horror-based takes on Astro Boy likes that idea too, hehe)

Well this just seems like it might make for an unfriendly work environment full of hierarchies, doesn't it? That doesn't bode well for the theme park that's already been framed as amoral, huh?

wow yea this guys fucking wild. "kinda hard" might be an understatement though he immediately put his hands on Atom for, uh. Unclear what he did wrong actually. Saying his name too firmly, maybe?

Atom I need you to focus. That is not the most important question right now.

I can't help but think there are less cruel ways to do this.

It's a product of its time, I think, that the law and ownership are seen as so fundamental that they aren't questioned at all. Personally, I really dislike seeing Ochanomizu presented this way instead of as an idealist who does what's right, not someone so preoccupied with the law that he tells Atom, who is crying at the cruelty on display, to hurry it up and go get that woman who came to him begging for safety, and hand her right back to the robot that was terrorizing her. Also, silly little gag with Ochanomizu's nose getting bigger. Hehe awesome.

This confirms, to me, that property laws are stronger than robotic rights laws in the setting. Atom directly says they were torturing her, that she's alive, and Ochanomizu does not deny any of that, but continues to press that she is property, and Atom "stole" her, even though she independently ran away and came to him.

At the very least, I can appreciate that Atom's dad gives an "I know how you feel, but there's nothing we can do." I suppose part of Ochanomizu's transition into a more paternal character is tied with the transition away from giving Atom a nuclear family (heh. get it.) to begin with - That gentle parenting is the current norm helps too.

The manga doesn't seem to acknowledge this, but isn't this also theft by the same definition? Atom willingly went into Robot Land and they have him and they haven't given him back. This is precisely what happened with Princess Odette in reverse, but Ochanomizu doesn't bring up any argument about that (Atom) being his property.

He did do that. That was like, the main thing he came there to do.

Well, to be fair, your "property" also snuck onto someone else's property and smashed things and we thought nothing of it.

Anyway, more legality here: Ochanomizu seems scared that jail time is a real outcome, although I'm not sure if he's scared for himself or for Atom. If he's scared for himself, that tells us that a robot's actions are the express responsibility of their owner, or of their creator (I imagine the owner first and if the owner pushes the legality up the chain it goes to the creator or the manufacturer or distributor). If he's scared for Atom, it indicates that property can be tried as a human and given jail time, which sounds not very correct. So I think Ochanomizu is the one being threatened here, really. I still believe in 2003's (I can't recall if it comes up in Astro Boy media before the finale episodes of 2003) concept that if a flaw is found with a robot that causes it to commit a crime (in the case of 2003, harming a human, which makes more sense to be treated so harshly) it would be decommissioned and destroyed, and if the flaw is significant enough, all robots of that design would be decommissioned and destroyed.

Yeah this is kind of how my students are.

You simply hate to see it.

That is actually the end of Omnibus 1, so we're finally making some progress! As a reminder, there are 7 Dark Horse Omnibuses. Omnibus 2 has 300 pages of "Once Upon A Time" which is some of my favorite content from the original run of Astro Boy.

Sorry, again, for how long the gap was there. I can't promise it'll never happen again. We come back next time with Ivan the Fool!

#astro boy manga analysis #astro boy #mighty atom #tetsuwan atom

[jakowskis]

Day 8 - Are there any scenes (or even full episodes) that you can’t stand? If yes, and you could go back in time and rewrite them, how would you fix them?

LITERALLY HAD TO PUT THIS UNDER THE CUT TOO BC ITS SO LONG FJSDHFKJSDFHKDSJFHKDSJDSHFSDKJFHK I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

im not gonna rlly propose fix-its, i just like to bitch. haha. anyway, in no particular order…

the owen & jack jail scene in dmw. it’s sooo frustratingly underwhelming. they had the perfect chance to explore some really interesting stuff with jack + his relationship with his immortality, and to explore the parallels drawn between the two of them, and jack suddenly having someone who might also "live" forever to keep him company… and then they Didn’t. it’s suuuch a let down. and the first half of that scene being ‘light-hearted’ and gross is so irritating and disrespectful to owen. absolutely the wrong tone. that ep pisses me tf off.

i have a lot of issues with owen & jack’s relationship in general. in aditd, when owen tries to drown himself + finds he can’t, and jack’s reaction is to 1) throw a soulless flirty line at him, and 2) ask him “how long he’s gonna do this for”... that scene bugs the fuck out of me. like what the fuck. what a monstrous way to react to someone who’s suicidal. and i’d like it if the show ever bothered to explore why jack seems to view owen’s suicidality with such disdain (because it’s a consistent thing; he’s also callous in combat), like that could also provide insight into his character - but they don’t! ugh! so it just makes him look like a fucking dick and makes me resent him. especially when he’s a lot more sympathetic to john in out of time. like why is he so nasty to owen in particular. fuck knows, they don’t bother touching on it. missed opportunities!!!

and, returning to the way dmw treats owen, i hateeee how he’s treated once he’s dead, by the characters AND the writers. everyone on the team is cruel towards him during his undead arc. they warm up again to him later, but the show itself decides he’s no longer relevant after that + seems to act like all his angst went away and he’s fine again. torchwood SUCKS at emotional continuity. the only time it comes up is that they REPEATEDLY have the antagonist of the episode make a point to remind owen + the viewers how pathetic and useless he is now that he’s dead (the nostravite + the ghostmaker both do it). and it’s just.. corny, and disrespectful, like come on.

actually dead man walking as a whole... i just hate that episode. i talked about it more here, it’s just….. ridiculous, and bad, and embarrassing 😭 i had to skip the fucking fight scene at the end i didn’t have the strength i get secondhand embarrassment too easily HFDJKSHFKDJS. the concept isn’t terrible it’s the fucking execution its sooo… idek how i’d fix that mess. i don’t like it. blegh. and like i said, tw does emotional continuity so poorly, like i don’t really have a question i can fully bitch about this on (well? maybe. we’ll see) but the way they go through significant traumas every ep and the emotional weight of those events is never touched on in the following eps... like the shit in dmw would’ve been a lot for owen to deal with but by aditd he’s got other problems. it’s just… ugh.

and if dmw is the second worst use of bad cgi, we must talk about the first… abaddon. i love end of days so fucking much, the interpersonal shit going on between the team is FASCINATING and so good, the mutiny scene is so good, them all being haunted by their past (aka the events of the past 12 episodes) is so good, for torchwood it’s a GOOD episode - and then there’s this fucking ridiculously embarassing terrible monster from the depths of hell stomping everywhere and roaring and i literally cannot describe how hard i was laughing when i first watched that ep. genuinely hysterical. especially after getting gut-punched like thirty times throughout the rest. and whatever jack did to defeat it... so fucking bad. SO fucking bad. idk what the fuck that was but it was a MESS. and the worst possible way to wrap up the “something’s coming out of the darkness O.O” bullshit (which, they didn’t, that continued into owen’s arc, like cmon…) it was just a shit show. see it’s hard for me to hypothesize about how they coulda fixed that bc it’s so bad but it’s kind of iconic. im kind of glad it’s there bc it’s just… torchwood wouldn’t be torchwood if it wasn’t fucking awful. but also. shudders.

ok ok i swear ill stop complaining abt owen-specific shit but ofc thts what i take most issue with, and a lot of my complaints abt the others are less about specific scenes and more generalized things, so ill talk about them when i talk about their characters… ill talk about this more in owen’s section, but i have… problems with the end of days ending, with the hugs. i like that scene a lot, the connotations are fascinating, but the way owen and jack are framed in it is…. eugh…. and most people miss the fact that it’s ‘eugh’? a lot of people see it as a sweet scene and that’s… oof… again i’ll get into it more later but i wish it was framed differently. torchwood could never make up it’s mind on how it saw the characters, lmao.

adjacent subject… the way jack’s return is framed. i HATE the way they just bounce back to normal once jack comes back. like, him leaving would’ve been fucking traumatizing. and the show doesn’t properly give closure to any of them. (it does a tiny bit to gwen + ianto, but like… owen’s abandonment issues are a consistent theme in the show, esp s1. his ‘did he fix you?’ line is unnecessarily sooo heartbreaking. what do you mean ur not gonna give a single moment to those two. Okay.) tbh a lot of these complaints are about the fact that i desperately wish torchwood was a show that cared about the emotions + mental health of their characters when it simply Is Not. tw is, regrettably, not the character-focused show it should be. and i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a few last owen specific things…. i hate the owen growling at the weevil scene in combat. like what was the deal with that. they don’t rlly explain it in the commentary either it’s just. ?? but again it’s one of those things thts like. i can’t imagine a world where this show was actually good + didn’t have random weird cringe shit sprinkled in HFKSDJF it’s part of the charm. sigh

also owen & mark shouldve fucked. combat should’ve been gayer.

captain jack harkness should’ve been LESS gay. the excessive tongue kissing was fucking gross FSHDFJKDS like. i know that scene’s important to a lot of people + i respect it as an important moment in queer television + the way it’s framed as this big romantic moment, but the actual kissing is just. gross. why did they have to kiss like that. there are better ways to kiss. sincerely, someone who’s very picky about kisses + still covers my eyes like a kid at like 60% of onscreen kisses. 

tkks stopwatch scene. ianto why are you flirting w the man who killed ur girlfriend four episodes ago. fucking evil. like ok lmao 👍thats not bad writing whatsoever to never explore that in-show and only do it in an audio 10 yrs later. sure.

all of them randomly having empathy for the alien whale in meat has always driven me crazy. i thought we were gonna find out that the whale had like, empathy-enhancing powers or telepathy or smth bc i couldn’t understand why any of those assholes cared sm. like, in tkks we find out the glove is fueled by empathy + that’s why none of them can use it. like, these are people who aren’t naturally empathetic. nothing wrong with that, i’m like that lol. so i was really thrown off when they randomly all deeply cared about an alien creature. especially owen. like, i get randomly being moved by something, happens to the best of us, but the way it affected all of them + so profoundly felt ooc to me and has always bugged me a little. s2 tried so badly to humanize a group that s1 painted as absolute assholes, and i personally LOVE that they’re assholes. i am not the biggest fan of s2, lol.

a lot of tosh scenes bug me, bc the show generally has very little respect for her + her capabilities, but ill get into that more when i talk about her as a character. specifically some of the tosh & owen scenes fucking INFURIATE me. he’s so nasty to her. the end of adam (‘i dont do apologies’ and the smug little smile), and laughing at her when he agrees to the date in reset, and ‘in your dreams, tosh’ in countrycide all stand out. ive complained about it before + ill do it again; idk wtf they were trying to tell the viewers with tosh/owen. i like the concept of the ship, because it has potential - i absolutely HATE it within the context of the show. every ‘towen moment’ just works to humiliate tosh. it’s awful.

killing beth. im sure other people have done essays on the way torchwood treats its poc, esp its woc (although, knowing this fandom, maybe not lmao), and the lisa sitch was enough of a mess… the beth sitch could’ve been done differently. her essentially committing suicide by cop was fucking awful. ugh.

also the twist that suzie was evil + ten steps ahead could’ve been done much better. that should’ve been better written. 

as i said, i dont even like tosh/owen, but the fact that you never see them dance in something borrowed was just plain mean tbh. u can see like a millisecond of a frame if you pause in the right place, but still, why not include a fraction of a nice moment between them. cmon. something like that might’ve actually made me like them more

i hate the blowfish confrontation in kkbb it’s corny. cmon

i bitched about adam a lot the other day (again, here)… idek how i’d get that episode up to my standards. im petty about s2 as a whole and ive been meaning to try to put thought into what would fix it for me for months and i haven’t gotten around to it cuz its such a daunting thought. grr. i think i’d just completely redo the way adam influences them all. i literally don’t like what any of their altered selves offer. there’s no insight into them i find worthwhile. ig the shit abt jack’s past is worth keeping but i’d redo it completely bc i hate the gray arc. i’d have to find some way to keep the conference scene though, or get that new character info + vibe elsewhere. bah

#tdot #txt #hey im posting this one in the afternoon instead of late at night! woah!

[zoophagist]

ooc;; okay, so i saw 'dracula: a comedy of terrors" last night and the verdict is .... um, not awesome. i always hate to rag on live theatre because as a fellow theatre-maker i know how hard it is and even in a show like this that i didn't particularly like i still respect enormously the talent of the cast, techies, and creatives that brought it together. so it hurts to say this was ... kind of unpleasant, but i can't say otherwise when so much of the humor was just punching down, on women, on unattractiveness, on mentally ill characters... even in its wack victorian sensibilities i can really confidently say that the novel was kinder and more progressive than this was. more detailed thoughts below the cut.

the big "yikes" for me was the (mis)handling of crossdressing roles. there were two actors, a man and a woman, who largely crossdressed for their roles, the man played mina and van helsing (genderbent femme) and so much of the comedy around these characters was about how ugly they were, how unattractive, how masculine or disgusting, or stupid... it was really quite sad to watch for me (though i will say the audience responded very positively to this humor, which only made me sadder...) it was a lot of man-in-dress jokes layered into a lot of pseudo-misogynous ideas about femininity and desirability. and that was bad in its own way, but it was extra "yikes" when one takes into account that the crossdressing woman (playing the seward-esque character, the demeter's captain, and renfield) had no equivalently cruel humor. there were no jokes about how silly it was to see a woman in trousers, no jabs at being unmanly or unattractive. there was humor, but all coming from generally more plot-based veins. and putting these two portrayals up next to each other it was very clear that the humor was based on an idea of femininity as lesser-than, derogatory. when a woman dresses as a man, it's aspirational, it's smart, it's cool, etc., but when a man dresses as a woman it is humiliating, silly, sick. masculinity is valued, femininity isn't. and add in the ghost of transphobia directed at transwomen that i could feel just hanging over the whole mina & van helsing characters, and i hope it's not hard to see why i felt uncomfortable with the piece.

since this is the #renfieldzone i think it's also my duty to talk about how renfield was handled. and. i mean. he wasn't, mostly. he was there, and absolutely the only joke he ever got was the bug-eating. like damn, we couldn't even let him have birds or rats too, huh? this show was a super condensed version of the story so lots of characters were cut (rip arthur, quincey, and most of seward's personality) so honestly i'm a little surprised renfield was here at all. he was largely useless to the plot because the actress playing him doubled as the seward-type and therefore the latter's import to most scenes meant renfield couldn't be there. (but there were many very clever quick changes!) since the play was also just... so absolutely cruel and demeaning to mina, there was no space for any empathetic mina-loving redemption for renfield, so he really just seemed to be here because... well frankly because the writer clearly had a lot of jokes about insanity they wanted to include. not going to waste space talking about them all, just know it was, as said before, a lot of punching down. the only other interesting thing about this renfield is that he is shown to be zoöphagous before ever meeting dracula, so in the age-old debate of 'did dracula make him do it or is he just like that' this play came down firmly on the side of He's Just Like That.

you may notice i keep mentioning a 'seward-type' character and not just a seward, and that would be because the doctor placed in the vaguely seward-shaped hole in the dracula plot is really nothing like seward and indeed has a different name to boot. he's called dr. westenfeld, and if you're thinking 'hey that's kind of like westenra' then that might be because he's lucy's father in this retelling. and also mina's? mina and lucy are sisters now, i guess. and also, they're effectively role-swapped. lucy is jonathan's smart, brave, modern-thinking fiancée and mina is the one turned first by dracula. because this show is, again, ruthlessly cruel to mina, she has no suitors, no close bonds beyond lucy, and gets absolutely no respect.

but what about dracula? he's... well he's hot. and a little bit of a bastard. and that's about it. no hairy palms, no crawling in his lizard fashion, barely any on-stage blood. honestly i have very little to say about him other than that i find it a little hard to swallow just how heavily the marketing of this show leaned into his queer energy when the full show really isn't that gay at all and so constantly equates dracula's queer-affected vampirism with promiscuity, mixing the signals and making it seem like queerness is promiscuity. not a great look.

this is already an essay so even though i have more miscellaneous thoughts i'll wrap it here. if anyone's curious about specific things, i'm happy to answer pointed asks.

so yeah. tl;dr just. i respect the craft of all the people that brought this together, i think the actors did great work with poor material, and the design and direction were solid, it's just... it's very hard to save a show with a fundamentally bad script, and that's what this felt like to me. good stagecraft, bad material.

#@ these playwrights: turn on ur location i just wanna talk #||x long and afar off [ ooc ] #||x the good book [ meta & dracula relevant content ]

[bucksboobs]

Sorry for bringing this topic up again but this quote from Alice Oseman about Ben bugs me, “[…] Ben can become a better person, but Charlie should not have to witness that, endorse it, or offer any forgiveness. And so he won’t.” Reading this is so weird because she says she’s about acceptance and growth, and she did create some really cool things, but this? It’s gives “if you mess up don’t you dare want forgiveness” energy. Wtf! I was bullied in school, I know how painful it is, it hurts and even to this day I’m not sure if I could just say “yeah it’s cool you’re forgiven” to them, but what I would be inclined to do is separate who they were to who they are now. So that even if I can’t forgive the version of them that bullied me, I can get to know and maybe be friends with this better person they are today. If they are a better person, that is.

And if I was back in school, and they said they were sorry and actively showed they wanted to better, if they really tried to make it right, I would really appreciate that. Maybe then I would be able to forgive them, or at the very least heal and move on much faster. But that’s alternate history stuff.

Really, what pisses me off about that quote is this idea that Ben is irredeemable, and that it would be “cruel to Charlie having him around.” I think it could have been very interesting and uplifting to tell a history where Charlie does tell Ben he doesn’t want him around, but even away from him Ben does take the steps from change. A story where Ben also does receive assistance and guidance to process his own shit and become better, and eventually having his and Charlie’s path cross again. Maybe not to become friends, but at least to not be enemies anymore, and remove the weight of both of them.

Sorry for this long ass rant, but I really needed to let it out and I feel like you’ll get where I’m coming from with this.

Yeah I think the great tragedy of that last scene is that if Ben was coming back next season to repair himself and maybe eventually his relationship to Charlie, with him staying away all season while talking through his shit with Mr. Farouk (again dropping my Farouk Mentorship Arc headcanon) and only barely being acknowledged by Charlie at the end of the season as a sign he's healing and could one day make an apology Charlie would accept, that scene would read as his lowest point of him not being ready but one day he will be (which I think its how the show wanted it to read) but as a final scene for the character it feels like he's being soundly rejected by the community he belongs to with no real catharsis or hope that he'll come back.

#unfortunately the show wasn't interested in telling that story #ben hope #heartstopper

[malyk-imfine]

A Crack in the Glass

Ike has always disliked Vox, one could even say that he hated Vox. Because for Ike, Vox was nothing but a cruel king, whose punishments were far too sanguinary.

So how did Ike end up in a jail cell? He was deemed a malefactor, for trying to destroy the Akuma name. Ike not only tried to kill the last descendant of the Akuma legacy, but he also tried to bring the legacy to naught using his writing. This was something that Vox deemed punishable by torture or possibly worse, yet Ike was still alive. Why? What was so special about Ike that he was not brought before his deity? If he even had one that is.

Rumors say that Ike was not being tortured like the rest. Instead, it is said that the king himself gave Ike his undivided attention. Whether that is a good or bad thing, no one outside the castle would ever know.

Let’s focus on the present, shall we? Ike is currently sitting on the bed provided in his cell, opposite the oh-great king Vox Akuma himself. Vox sat with his legs crossed, his posture showing his place as ruler. Despite seeming refined, his presence alone exudes confidence and superiority, his body language only enhancing it further.

The cell Ike was being confined in was small, only being filled with the necessities as well as a chair. The bed was extremely simple, wood then came to the thin mattress and a pillow that barely did anything. It didn't even have a blanket. The chair looked poorly built like if a child were to sit in it it would collapse. Across the room held a toilet that barely worked, and Ike doesn’t even trust what would likely come out of the small sink. The area outside of the cell was just about as pristine as the inside. It was a wonder how no bugs were crawling around, then again Ike prefers it this way.

A small fire of meaningless words and empty threats is being thrown from both sides. Neither getting anywhere thus far. Both are fighting a war that can never be won. A constant game of tug of war, the constant push and pull drove both of the men mad. Yet both were far too stubborn to try to move forward.

Ike sighed as he finally gave in, his circumstances and the area surrounding him helping none at boosting his morale. At last, a question was finally asked, “What form of demonic magic did you use to find me?”

Vox couldn't help but let out a laugh, “Oh, no magic was used whatsoever. It was your eyes that gave you away. I'd never be able to forget them,” another laugh, this time more sinister, “you were smart to obscure your face and hair, yet you left your eyes untouched. That oversight on your part led to your untimely capture.”

Vox’s eyes bore into Ike, his gaze is monstrous and sadistic. The warm color of his demonic eyes seems out of place with the resentment portrayed in them. It is as though Vox isn’t looking at Ike, but at his soul, viewing his crimes, and his good deeds. Seeing if Ike is worth any sympathy. However, the look that followed showed pure loathing for the man on the other side of the metal bars. A devilish smile creeps on Vox’s face before he abruptly stands up. Vox strides closer to Ike.

Vox crouches down to be at eye level with Ike. Words flow from Vox’s lips like venom, “Well, since you finally seem ready to talk, let's talk.” Vox leaned down, making Ike and Vox face to face. Vox grinned once more, “What inquiries are plaguing your mind? Oh great novelist, Ike Eveland?”

A scowl crossed Ike’s face, “I have quite a few actually, yet I doubt any would be comprehended,” a forced smile soon found its way to Ike’s lips, his nose scrunching up in the process.

Vox slowly arose from his spot on the ground, “Hm, if you won't start, then I will. Why did you commit your atrocities against the throne? What possessed your mind to do such a thing? Hm?” Vox’s voice rose in ire. Vox stared down at Ike, awaiting a response.

“Really? That is the question you have picked?” a decrying laugh, how incompetent could this Ruler be? “Why? It's hard to believe you haven't figured it out yet. I was simply bringing to light how the ‘Oh great Vox Akuma’ isn't as perfect as everyone has come to believe, how he shouldn’t be one to place on a pedestal.” Ike’s eyebrows knit together as he continued to laugh. “Showing the world how you aren't a benevolent king, but a merciless dictator. How you have tortured any who have defied you. It's quite simple in actuality.

“Oh, but I suppose what you were asking about was why I tried to assassinate you?” Ike was simply trying to annoy Vox at this point, “The reason is also quite simple. You are unfit to be king.”

Vox was in disbelief, but it quickly morphed into unparalleled rage. Yet, instead of taking his anger out on the individual that caused his indignation, he stormed out of the room. Leaving Ike alone with his thoughts. Ike laughed in disbelief.

For the next few days, Ike didn't see Vox. However, Vox never could stay away from those who intrigued him for a long time. Vox returned, he would have anyway, it just ended up being sooner rather than later. Vox still resented Ike, yet too many questions swirled around his brain regarding Ike to stay away. So, Vox went back.

Ike noticed Vox entering the area almost immediately, “Ah, there he is, the motherfucker himself.” Ike stood up. His hair was strewn and disheveled, his clothes dirtied and stained, but his glasses still held their rightful spot on his face, they were probably the cleanest thing on Ike at the moment.

By this point, both have had time to mull over what was said and done since their last one on one. Both have their questions for the other. How this goes all relies on what is said and done now.

“So, oh great king Vox Akuma, are you going to allow me to ask my questions now?” Ike couldn’t help his blatant teasing, after all, so much was left unsaid, “You stormed out like a child before I could ask you my questions. My, my, I thought we had a deal.”

Vox’s jaw clenched as he rolled his eyes, “What use would they even be for me?”

Ike started pacing as he gave Vox his response, “I answered your questions, and they were of no benefit to me, yet you refuse to answer mine. Hmm, I wonder what that says about you.” Ike stopped pacing and looked in Vox’s direction, Ike’s eyes narrowed, and a smug look spread across his features.

Vox couldn’t help but just stand there. Slowly he brought up his arms and folded them in front of his chest. After a long pause, Vox spoke through clenched teeth, “Well, Mr. Eveland, need I remind you of who is in a position of power?”

“Hmm, need I remind you of who can easily sway people’s opinions?” Ike’s stance mirrored that of Vox now, albeit Ike’s having more sass.

Ike is simply testing Vox’s patience now, but it still took Vox a long time to finally break. Exasperated, Vox finally let Ike ask him questions.

Ike let out a small gasp, “I get to ask the oh great king Vox Akuma questions now? Oh, how privileged am I?” Ike let out a fake squeal that was quickly overshadowed by his dark tone mere moments later, “So, Vox Akuma, what makes you think you are worthy of the crown you possess? Hm? Is it because of your lineage? Is it because of the support and power you hold? What about what makes you so worthy to have people follow your every command? Swoon at your voice? Hmm, I wonder how everyone would react if they saw how cruel you truly are. Would they scream? Run? Or would they cower in terror at how much of a monster you truly are?

“How quickly do you think your people would abandon you? How quickly your kind would leave you for dead?” Ike’s olive eyes seem to darken with every word, revealing something unhinged, something completely divergent from his calm demeanor.

Vox put on a facade of impassive confidence, yet he was shaking. Vox, ever the diplomat, continued trying to save face, “How dare you?! If you continue to yell such absurdities I’ll have no choice but to-”

“But to what? Torture me? I have been here for maybe around a week and yet, here I am. Alive, no punishments have been carried out. Oh wait, but didn’t you say that my crimes were punishable by death? What is taking you so long to go through with my sentence? You resent me so, yet you keep me alive, why?”

Vox’s mouth felt dry, he was frozen in shock. Before he even realized it his fingers had started tapping against his palm, and his nose scrunched up. The room had settled into silence, the only sounds heard were the uneven breaths of both men. Vox quietly started tapping his foot on the ground, the silence was loud.

Vox knew he had to answer Ike’s questions, but did Ike truly want to know? Did Vox even know? Vox opened his mouth then closed it only moments later. As much as he tried he just couldn't get the words out.

“I- I…” the sounds barely got out of Vox’s mouth. He didn’t know how to respond, let alone answer so much.

“If you’re not going to answer me, then go ahead and leave,” Ike’s adrenaline was still pumping rapidly, his anger still bubbling.

“Just allow me a moment to think, you bloody bastard!” Vox rubbed at the throbbing feeling in his head before he slumped into a nearby chair, “So many bloody questions. To answer your questions, yes, my lineage does make me special. My father was a king, my mother a queen. When I came of age I inherited the throne, and I have ruled for over five hundred years now, ruling in the same way as my father. Killing a few men and naysayers is beneficial to the kingdom.”

“A few? Hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children have died by your hand, and since you are the king no one even questions it when someone else disappears. Sacrifice can be necessary, but killing all those who oppose you will get you nowhere. Why don’t you, oh I don’t know, take some advice from those who ridicule you?” Ike felt empowered at being able to let his thoughts and beliefs flow freely.

Vox’s face twisted into a sour scowl, “As for your other question, the reason why I’ve kept you alive for so long is that you are simply far too interesting to just let die. An assassin, a novelist, and someone who tried to kill me. Which was a very bold move by the way.”

Ike rolled his eyes as he folded his arms. What other dull-witted words would fall from this incompetent man’s mouth next?

“Well since I have answered your questions, I assume I have your permission to take my leave now?” Vox was growing tired of having to listen to Ike’s incessant justice ramblings.

“I suppose you do, but when you come back you better bring a quill, ink, and papers. Because if I’m going to be trapped here, I might as well make the most of it. I mean I have nothing else to do in this grimy cell,”

Without another word, Vox promptly left, a scowl still plastered on his face.

Ike was left with his thoughts once more. The silence following Vox’s departure was nice, it was calm. Ike started pacing back and forth, trying to recount the events of the day up until this point. A soft pitter-patter from outside broke him from his thoughts.

Rain.

A soft smile graced Ike’s face. The rain acts as a comforting reminder of good things, while in this dark predicament. A content sigh came soon after. At least the rain could keep Ike company.

For the next few visits from Vox, everything seemed to calm down. They started having actual conversations, sure they would still yell at each other, but the quarrels lessened with each visit. Another point to note, as per Ike’s request, he was given a quill, papers, and ink. So when he isn’t occupied with talking with Vox, he writes stories of a distant land full of adventure and magical creatures, sometimes even romance, not that Vox would ever know.

Their conversations would be full of whatever came to mind, it could be an interest, something they did that day or even ideas. At some point, Ike had found that he had grown quite fond of the man he once thought was a cruel king. As for Vox, with every visit, the deeds that Ike committed that placed him in that cell slipped away until they almost completely disappeared from his mind.

So now, here Ike was, writing while sitting on his bed with his back pressed against the wall for support. Suddenly a loud clattering sound erupted outside. Ike flinched, his hand making a small line of ink on the paper. He looked up just as the door swung open to reveal a very disheveled-looking Vox. Vox was heaving his cheeks flushed.

“IKE! We- we have a problem!” Vox placed his hands on his knees, still breathing heavily.

“Let me guess, you caused it?” Ike posed a fair question, considering all of the moronic ideas Vox would blurt out on the regular.

“No, not, not necessarily.” Vox paused, Ike looking at him expectantly, “The problem is, I realized that if there was ever anybody meant for me, it’s you.” Vox’s face hid nothing of what he currently felt, his face covered in a deep shade of red.

“HELVETE!” Ike blurted out. He cleared his throat, red tinting his cheeks, “You can feel love?” His voice cracked. Ike cleared his throat again, trying to hide how his face was mantled with blush. He looked anywhere but Vox’s face as he spoke, “Ikindamightasortafeelthesameway”

“REALLY?! Ahem… apologies. Well, uhm, since we have that out of the way…” Vox nervously rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact as well, “I suppose we should get you moved into a proper room, as well as get you some clean clothes.”

Vox called for the guards and told them to prepare a room and clean clothes. Once everything was set up, Ike was promptly taken to his private chambers to bathe and put on some clean clothes. After so long, Ike finally had a proper desk to work on again. Ike slowly pulled out the chair and sat down. He noticed a stack of paper on the corner of the desk, then at the other corner sat a stack of ink bottles, and then a quill at the very centre of the desk. Some bookshelves lined the wall opposite his bed. The bookshelves were full of books, all of the different genres, all with unique stories of their own. His bed is a canopy, covered in silks woven to perfection.

Everything is becoming calmer, a lover, a pristine room, books, and a desk to write to his heart’s content. A soft knock broke him from his thoughts.

“Enter,” Ike called out.

“Greetings Ike, uhm, is everything to your liking?” Vox started fidgeting with his hands as he spoke.

“Yes, you do not have to worry about me, this room is probably the best I have ever stayed in.” Ike couldn’t help but smile.

They ended up staying there, just smiling at each other, for a while.

BONUS!

“Ike, Ike, IKE!”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?! I’M TRYING TO READ!”

“I want you to pay attention to me…”

“Well, Vox Akuma, if you interrupt my reading once more, I swear, this book right here will become a lethal weapon.”

#ikeakuma #ike eveland #vox akuma #nijien #enimes to lovers

[abbymint18]

Here’s something I just whipped up. Not great, but I kinda like it. I was inspired by the trend “She lives inside of me” to the song “The Bug Collector”. It made me think, so I wrote this. Enjoy or not what do I care.

“Ghosts Of My Past” By: Abby Minton

I don’t know if I’ve always had this anger in me, or if it’s just been largely created at once. Either way I’m becoming my worst nightmare. Him. This urge comes too natural to me. I don’t know whether I’ve inherited it, if that’s even possible, or if he made me like this. All these years passed, and he still affects me. Even if he died it wouldn’t be enough. His corpse could be incinerated, eaten by wolves, or rot into the ground and he would still be haunting me. The things he said, the things he did live inside me. I don’t know whether fighting it or embracing it will help. Either way it’s inevitable.

“Auntie, watch me!” Yells my niece. My mind is put on pause. Each kart-wheel she does leaves a trail of hand and foot imprints on the sand. The imprints stay intact only for a moment before the ocean swipes away any memory of them. All that effort. All that determination. Just for a single wave to destroy any trace of existing. How cruel this world can be.

“Where’d you learn that?” I yell yards away. My body battles the soft sand for a stable seat.

“Dance with Miss. Stacy.”

“You know Miss.Stacy was my dance teacher too?”

“Really?”Instead of walking she kart wheeled over towards me.

“Yeah.”

“Do you still see Miss. Stacy?” She dramatically falls on the ground next to me.

“Every once and a while in town, but that’s about it.”

“Miss. Stacy isn’t your teacher anymore?”

“No.”

“Why?” She perks back up.

“Because I quit dance, a long time ago.” I use my right hand to cover my eyes from the sun while staring at her.

“Why?”

“I lost interest.”

“Why?”

“It happens when you get older.” I sigh and look back towards the water. “Some things you liked as a kid aren’t as much fun to you when you get older. It’s life.”

“Getting older sounds boring.” She quickly springs up and starts running back to the water. “I never wanna grow up!”

“I wish it was that easy,” I mumble under my breath. I watch her as she gives no care in the world. No fear. I miss when I had no fear. I truly believed I could do anything.

It’s odd to think that I once was her. My mom took me to this same beach when I was a kid. I would dig large holes in the sand. As the tide came up all of a sudden the hole would be filled in, but I didn’t care. I would just back up and do it all over again. I could do it for hours. I probably did. I don’t know when it happened but I changed. And as of right now, for the worse. I used to be so happy. I was the kid who was kind to everyone, who loved hugs, and who loved putting a smile on peoples faces. What happened to her? To me? I’ve let her down. She had so many goals, so many dreams all to be wasted away with me. All that joy inside a small girl, just to be wasting away inside of me. I wish I could be her again, but its too late. Too many years of anger and sadness have destroyed her. She’s merely a ghost that lives inside of me.

#writing #creative writing #queer writers #women writers #writers on tumblr #fiction

[pine-farr]

I wish someone could explain to me the sheer amount of vitriol that gets directed at Richard Ma**** (don't want this in his tag). He's not nearly famous enough for it. Like, I get when very famous celebs (like Harry or Taylor or the big Marvel stars like the one who fans I incurred the wrath of one day lol) attract strange amounts of haters... but Richard? He is so quiet. He is barely present on social media and hasn't really been for like 4-5 years? He makes an effort to not get papped or go to events... he doesn't say anything. And yet, on any given day the last 5 years you could go to any number of admittedly awful places and see hate. Some of it is maybe me not having a sense of humor (see the hilarious twink collector jokes). But some of it is just... cruel. And right now it's apparently at its peak and all because his ex bf is now being public with an out guy. People have often said Richard is a coward for not coming out, or said he is somehow forcing his bfs to not be out (the other one was very much out already??).

And like, if you want to be happy for anyone who decides that what is good for them is to come out, absolutely? There's no question. So be as happy as you want for his ex. But why attack Richard? Isn't Richard allowed his own journey? Don't people always say people don't have to come out? And if everyone already believes Richard is gay/bi/not straight because he's essentially out except for announcing it... then why does he have to?

Anyway, I guess the laughing at, the tagging Richard in photos to mock him or rub it in his face, it upsets me. Cause he's a person? And a person who is maybe probably hurting cause he was left? By someone he seemed to love?

I dunno, I just don't get it. I don't get why people hate Richard when all he seems to want is a quiet life with the person he chooses to be with. That's ok, isn't it? Or is there just one way to be? And he's just this lesser, not awesome, not cool, coward who deserves to end up alone? I really don't think that can be true.

Anyway, feel free to unfollow me if me talking about this stuff bugs you. I won't be doing it again btw. But the people that know me from my lj days I suppose won't be surprised that this is where my interest still apparently is.