#there’s still down weeks but i’m still pushing myself more than i have since covid started | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 years

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Here is a post about what is going to happen to me in the next couple of weeks, because it is a really exciting schedule. The sort of schedule that I did not dare to dream of this time last year, with COVID being where it was. And I know it isn’t over. I have some very good KN95 masks that I am ready to take out of their package for this occasion, and I am still concerned that I will end up contacting COVID at some point. But I’ll try really hard not to, and it’s much much safer than it was a year ago, and it’s a risk I’ve decided to calculate as worth it.

First of all, for her birthday in 2020, my dad bought my mom tickets to see Hamilton with the caveat that he would only go with her if she could find absolutely no one else to go. My mom asked me, I said “I’m not into musicals or whatever but I hear this is a big deal so I guess I’ll go listen to the music from it”, and then came back and said “yeah all right that’s entertaining, I’ll go with you.” So we made plans to go see Hamilton together on June 11, 2020.

After that I listened to the songs more times, while psychologically forcing myself to push through my brain’s instinct to not be a fan of 1) musical theatre, 2) these genres of music that are so far outside what I normally listen to, 3) anything that earnest, and 4) anything that is also so beloved by the mainstream and just generally by everyone in the world apparently, and once I turned down those instincts in my brain as much as I could, I had to acknowledge that actually this is very good and I’m looking forward to seeing it live. I remember saying, in mid-March 2020, “I mean this lockdown is bad and I know it might last a while but it had better all be over by June 11. That’s ages away, it can’t last that long, right? Because in spite of myself I’ve started really looking forward to seeing Hamilton.”

The show has been postponed four different times since then. It is now, barring something catastrophic occurring in the next six days, going to actually happen on July 28, 2022. The tickets are still valid, my mother and I are still here, I’ve watched the filmed version they released with subtitles on so now I know what the words are supposed to be and will be able to better appreciate it once I get into the theatre and they’re all talking/singing too fast for me to catch every word. I am looking forward to this.

So that’s Thursday. On Wednesday the 27, both my parents and I are going to Montreal to see the Just For Laughs Brit(ish) show at 7 PM. Brit(ish) is a club-style show that features Tom Allen, Dara O’Briain, Fern Brady, Sindhu Vee, Phil Wang, and Nish Kumar, for a show that can’t last more than a couple of hours, so I imagine they’ll each be doing quite short sets. I know it can’t last more than a couple of hours because they’re doing another performance at 9:30, which is good because we also have tickets to see James Acaster’s Hecklers Welcome at 9:30.

That’s going to be a hell of a night. To be honest I’m surprised my mother agreed to come, given that we’re almost two hours from Montreal so it’s two shows in a row and a very late night. My dad and I share an interest in British comedy, he watched Cold Lasagne with me (not live, obviously) and said it’s some of the best stand-up he’s ever seen; he’d stay up all night with me to see James Acaster any night of the week. My mother normally gets annoyed when my dad and I put on Britcom all the time if I’m visiting their house, but as one exception to that, she’s gotten really into WILTY in the last year. So she’s also excited to see the guy from the cabbage thing live. Fun for the whole family! I mean… I have mentioned to her that his stand-up is going to be a bit different from his WILTY material. But actually, they are both a lot of stories about his life and mind being a mess.

So then I have one day at home on Friday, and then I am dragging my best friend back to Montreal to see Nish Kumar do his full show on Saturday night. This friend is definitely not into British comedy, he knows I enjoy my little comedians who talk with accents and thinks that’s fine, but 95% of why I originally created this blog was so I could start going on about them here instead of going on to him about them. But I convinced him to come to the show Saturday night anyway, and we are going to have a good time! If nothing else, he will hear Nish Kumar’s bit about being a “buzzkill in the group chat” (the one person in your friend group who’s more pessimistic and “okay but actually the larger implications of this thing you’re trying to have fun about are problematic” than your friends want to be), and then I can start referencing that to him whenever I act as a buzzkill in a group chat that he’s also in, which is often. This show starts at 10:30 PM, so should end near midnight and then another two-hour drive home, but my best friend coaches a team with me where we regularly travel 5 or more hours for out-of-town tournaments and get home in the middle of the night. So a night like that is not a big deal for him, unlike for my parents.

And then, the following week, my amazing, patient, intelligent girlfriend got us tickets to something much more sensible than a show that requires driving that far in the middle of the night: Katherine Ryan coming to our own city at 7 PM. One of the things my girlfriend and I have in common is the idea that just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean our dates need to involve leaving the house. But so far, we’ve had a wonderful exception to that when we saw Russell Howard live a few months ago. I am really looking forward to doing this again. We don’t do out-of-the-house date night often, but when we do, we do it very well. Date night: featuring Canada’s own Katherine Ryan.

I sometimes feel a bit guilty about how much entertainment I’ve taken from these comedians while very rarely financially compensating them for it. Well, that is ten tickets to four different comedy shows in one week, that have been purchased because of my obsession with British comedy. So consider the industry supported. You’re welcome, industry. I got my mother into WILTY and now she’s coming to a comedy festival to see two shows in a night, despite being too old for that shit. I even sent her the link to Dara O’Briain doing his catwalk thing on his WILTY episode, to be sure she’ll recognize him at the Brit(ish) show.

It’s going to be a great week, and of course I will let the good people of this site know how it goes, as much as I can. I will absorb as many memories as I can to comfort me during the many weeks of the year when comedians from across the world are not descending on my general area for that one comedy festival, and I hear British comedians plug their live shows on TV and think “God that sounds so good, fuck all the people who live over there and can see this stuff any time.”

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bonellzz · 1 year

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My first blog : a bit of history of a big challenge I was presented 18 months ago to define who I am today : Christopher J Bonelli 2.0

I came down with a very serious case of COVID-19 Delta Variant. I was placed in a medically induced coma for 55 days FROM July – Sept 2021, in the ICU. I had to be intubated and put on a ventilator, and eventually they had to do a tracheotomy, because they couldn't extubate me otherwise. While there they did a number of surgeries on me, on top of the tracheotomy, included a feeding tube, three chest tubes and multiple central lines.

On the 55th day I woke up with tubes coming out of all parts of my body. I was there for another week and a half, after being released from the ICU. When I was discharged, couldn’t walk or talk, and quickly realized the enormous feat I would have in front of me in order to recover. I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat, breath, and perform daily activities of living, all over again. I’m still on the big oxygen machine and my lung capacity is on 53% , doctors say I should make a recovery between 16-24 months. It currently has been 15 months since being discharged.

I’ve been a loyal tenant for three years now and this is the first time I am late on rent due to a financial hardship from getting sick and having over a year of rehabilitation? This complex has tried to evict due to a few weeks late on rent smh . Why Should I need to be penalized, the government did not help with ANY COVID RELIEF PROGRAMS …the state of FLORIDA did not find me temporary disabled granting me with SSDI although I met all the criteria. ERAP and SNAP declined me probably because my taxes showed I was making more than the threshold but what was I supposed to the in the following months with a 14 month no work order should help because I was making 6 figures and I will again when im fully healthy.

The leasing office knew everything that was going on and put me into another apartment 1406 at the same address 405 ne 2nd st apt 1406 fort Lauderdale fl 33301. There was no exchange a move in fee they handed me a key and I signed a lease. During the move I passed out twice and had to be hospitalized again because my lungs arent capable of that much endurance yet. So I have received an eviction notice and 3day notice to vacate on my door. I’m trying to keep a positive mindset that I will get better soon but I was the only survivor with delta variant from imperial hospital and have not received any funding from government. Im at the point where I need assistance from the government . I really need help.

Having a fiancé cheat on me during my recovery , losing my finances , job , relearning to become a human again of course I’m going to deal with mental issues that I have been overcoming through therapy

Im constantly getting my organs checked and my immune system is at the lowest. I lost everything in a snap of a figure but instead of sitting there an sulking I’ve been pushing myself to be strong and get passed this I went in the hospital at 195lbs came out at 120, I’m finally putting the weight back on, but there seems to be an obstacle in my way every time. I have major PTSD, Major Depression and anxiety disorder all diagnosed by a psychiatrist as well as permanent fibrosis in both my lungs. I went into AFIB 3 times as well. I’m only 32 and it’s a mission for me to bend over and put the dishes away or to walk just one block, I was a bodybuilder before my life was turned upside down.

It’s been 17 months and I have made a 90% recovery I believe it’s time Now its time for me to get back on my feet and others in need of my support and share my story to help overcome obstacles such as mine.

#covid19 #covidawareness #longcovid #covid #coviddelta #coma #survivor #covidreovery #recovery #covidisnotover #covidhelp #covidrelief #coronavirus #covid #corona #stayhome #quarantine #lockdown #staysafe #love #pandemic #share #shareyourstory

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leclerqued · 2 years

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Happy Monday! 🧡✨

Normally October is a month where I’ve settled into an autumnal routine, my school stress has levelled itself out and I’m actually in a happy place - but now that the deadline for my final part of the study is approaching… yeah no that autumnal routine is out of the window and the stress is back in full force. So, this weeks motivation will all be about stress!

Tim. S. Grover once said: “Stress keeps you sharp, it challenges you in ways you never imagines and forces you to solve issues and manage situations that send weaker people running for cover.” And while that holds a piece of truth, do I fully agree with it? No. Stress these days is one of the reasons so many of us struggle with anxiety and get burned out. But stress, that adrenaline rush, does often help us stop overthinking over the things that give us stress. I always go in focus mode, not stopping until it is done.

But it wouldn’t be a Monday Motivation if I didn’t actually did have something to help deal with stress and it is something that comes so natural to all of us that we forget we do it every minute - breathing. Just taking a moment to close your eyes, breathe in deeply through your nose for the count of four, holding your breath for a couple of seconds and then pushing the air out through your mouth for the count of eight… it is the greatest way to relax the mind and the body. Stress endures hyperventilation and hyperventilation is a sign to our body that we’re in danger - which means we go into lockdown… and none of us want to go back into lockdown.

So, if you are dealing with something stressful this week: breathe along with me. Sit yourself down, close your eyes, breathe and know that you are stronger than you think and life only throws things at you that you can handle.

Now, I’m going to go and focus on this assessment! Sending you the biggest hug and kiss for this week. You’re not alone 😘

Good morning darling!

I've actually decided a couple of days ago that autumn is my favorite season. Especially this month, the Halloween vibes, the weather is still nice and I don't have to stress over holidays or exams.

Since I've finished to attend all my lessons atm I'm just enjoying playing videogames (actually only World of Warcraft) and chilling. Covid has slapped me in the face multiple times now, I've been ill for more than 3 weeks and even tho I'm not positive any more, I still have weird symptoms (rn I feel like I have bruises all over my body). It's tough and I've gained a lot of weight, have been neglecting eating in a proper healthy way bc covid & medicine would make me unbearably hungry, and whilst I thought my depression was about to get better, my father decided to scare the shit out of me behaving like he was capable of hurting me and destroying my stuff.

It's tough, but I have people helping me go through this. I have a community online and I can focus on many things in-game, keeping my mind busy until my body is strong enough to pick myself up and go through hell again.

I'm sorry this felt like removing a big thing from my chest, but I hope my perspective over this situation will give you some insight since you're always so positive.

Thanks for your kind messages, as always, as they make me reflect about myself and give me a big push forwards ❤️

Hope you have a wonderful week.

#babssionate

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marsgod · 2 years

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this is a vent

so my mom had taken a month long trip and got back, like, 2 weeks ago and had told me my school doesn’t start til early september/really late august cause of covid

so, yknow, she does the sensible thing and holds onto the fact school actually starts tomorrow away from us under “can we pretend i just went through a traumatic event”// real thing she said, she’s referencing that our house burnt down

and Okay?? that JUST happened, what was your excuse before that?? and now she’s whining about how i never wanna spend time with her and that “she misses me” even though when i’m actually there and able to spend time, she ends up talking on the phone for 2+ hours for some reason or another OR does nothing and then wants me to comfort her because “I must think she’s SUCH a bad mother, not taking me out” NO i think you’re a bad mother because you always pull this shit and it’s been like this since i was little!

and also? her friends? don’t get me fucking started, she has beaten me and has threatened to beat me before, and when I told mom about it? she told be she’d talk to her friend, but PLOT TWIST! I was still forced to go back there, and she actually talks to her even though she’s actively abusive towards her own kids too!! not even trying to hide it either

she only likes me or my sister when she can either brag(about me for being “quiet and responsible” even though i shouldn’t have to be from such a young age) or being a “problem child”(my sister even though mom was taking in an abusive stalker pedophile over and over again)

she was a lot worse to my sister (9 year age difference between us) than me, leaving her constantly with said “father” and denies knowing he was abusive //and, after breaking up with him, knowing he was a pedophile and abusive, TOOK HIM BACK AND DRAGGED OUT A COURT CASE THAT THEN LASTED 5 YEARS

ANOTHER THING! she has a habit that me, my sister, and uncle have talked about by not wanting to take responsibility for her own projects

she wants a garden? plants the flowers but then pushes off the actual watering and feeding on me, which takes about 1 or 2 hours while taking care of 3 dogs, chickens and 1 goat

the goat is really fucking depressed, goats are social animals and can’t be alone, but she refuses to do anything like sell the goat or get more goats; which makes them get really fucking aggressive and rough and then blamed literally anyone but herself

“No i’ll just do *thing* by myself like i usually do” THAT’D REQUIRE YOU TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING WITHOUT PUSHING IT OFF ON SOMEONE ELSE

“I’m not your friend, i’m your mom” and THAT would require you to act like a mom or even a friend

i’m just sick of her and her shit, but it’s gonna be a few years before i can move out, and even then, we have a family property and she gets bitchy when i even think abt moving

#vent post #im sick of everyones shit #and she’s confused on why i’m still depressed and suicidal

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random-imaginess · 3 years

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope it was perfect!

Can I request a Bucky x reader where she is feeling scared to go out in the world post covid and Bucky is just cute and supportive?

Thank you! It was a fairly good day! I read this request yesterday and thought how fitting it was because I have spent a lot of time thinking about situations like this! A LOT of time..

This gif, to me, makes it seem like this is going to be more angsty than it actually will be, but it's gonna be cute and fluffy and it's gonna be ok! I didn't want to go too much into some stuff, even though having anxiety and concerns and doubts and a bunch of thoughts about a world post covid is VERY REAL, I just wanted to try and make this light-hearted and cute. I hope I was able to do that!

The past year and a half had been a wild one, to say the least. There was anxieties about the virus outbreak, anxieties about the lock down that was only supposed to last a couple weeks, then six weeks, then a couple months... You were used to wearing masks when you absolutely needed to go out for food and supplies, talking about how great it was going to be when life would go back to normal.

What was normal, though? It hadn't felt normal in so long that you weren't sure what normal was anymore. You were fortunate enough to have Bucky at your side through all of it. Keeping you company, keeping you sane. Talking about what you were going to do first when things opened back up again, wondering what it was going to be like when it was all over. "What about the beach?!" You explained excitedly. "The smell of the ocean, the wind in our hair, the seagulls flying overhead, the warm sand! Oh, it'll be so incredible! We should go there first!." Bucky just grimaced. "The beach? The sticky, salty feeling you get on your skin, the sand, seagulls shitting on your towel, dive bombing you for your food, the SAND getting in places you didn't know it could get into, and you're washing that shit out for weeks after... I don't know."

You groaned playfully, thought you really didn't care where you went. "Fine, you big baby, no beach." You smiled as you rolled over to your stomach to look at him, propping your elbows up on the mattress. It was a lazy afternoon, the millionth lazy afternoon so far since you've been stuck inside. You couldn't complain too much, though, being with Bucky, no matter what you did, was always your favorite thing to do. He stared up at the ceiling as his flesh hand found a spot to rest on your back, a smirk forming across his face as he thought of other places you could go when it was all over. "What about museums? Art galleries? We could go to that space one in Los Angeles," he offered, and your face lighting up with more excitement. "Ooh, yeah! That would be so fun! Look through the giant telescopes and see how much you would weight on mars!" He laughed at made eye contact with you, thinking how adorable it was that you got excited about the smallest things. "Or we could go to the grand canyon, or Hawaii! Or... the movies! How long as it been since you've been to a movie theater? Eating buttery popcorn and chocolate candy while watching a funny movie that makes you laugh so hard your sides hurt? Or one so sad it makes you cry?" Now Bucky readjusted himself and turned to his side, propping himself on him elbow, a light smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "We've been watching movies every day for the past six weeks, I don't think there's anything left we haven't already seen." "I know, but the experience is so different when you watch it on a giant screen." Your hands subconsciously ran patterns against his soft skin, reminiscing about everything there was to do before the whole world closed up. "We'll do it all, baby," Bucky smiled and leaned forward to place a kiss on your forehead. "We'll do the beach, we'll do museums, movies, theme parks, tropical paradises, we'll go anywhere around the world you wanna go." You grinned at his words. "Even Norway?" "Even Norway," he smiled, looking lovingly at you. Now the time was here, when things were opening back up again, and rules were less strict, and every plan you had talked about doing together was becoming more and more accessible. It should have been exciting. You were finally able to see more than just every nook and cranny in your house and the inside of grocery stores, but you were scared. Breaking out of the bubble that you had built for yourself to keep you and those around you safe, it was now a weird feeling to try and break out of it. To get back into the routine of every day life that you gave no second thought to before everything changed. You and Bucky had finally agreed on starting your adventures with a simple day out. Getting lunch, now that more restaurants were open for dine in, maybe some window shopping, a leisurely walk through the park, or whatever else you felt like doing. But you were hesitant to go through with it. The anxiety of being around more people was getting to you. In the back of your mind you knew you were going to be OK, but it was the fact of not knowing that made you second-guess your decision to leave the house. It was been a weighing thought for the past few weeks leading up to you going out. Now that it was finally here, it was all too real. Bucky had picked up on your hesitancy, but didn't want to push you until you were ready to bring it up yourself. And you wanted to tell him about it, you just didn't know how to properly form it. It felt a little silly to be so scared. The unknown always got the better of you, made you doubt, and added more anxiety than was necessary, but it's just how you were.

The closer it got to you leaving, the heavier your chest became. "I think maybe we should wait for a different day to go out.." You blurted out, picking at the skin on your thumb. Bucky looked at you and grabbed your hand to get you to stop, knowing if he didn't, you'd just do it until it bled. "You don't want to go anymore?" "I do, I just think maybe it's still too early to be around crowds, you know? There's going to be more people without masks, or if they'll get aggressive for being asked to wear one... we won't know if they're vaccinated yet or whatever... I think we should wait. Just a little longer. Is that Okay?" "Of course it is. You know I'd never want to you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable." You nodded. "I do know that, I just... I feel silly, like I'm making this a bigger deal than it actually is, but I can't bring myself to go out there and pretend like everything is normal when it's not." He placed a gentle hand on the side of your face. "Well, I don't think we have to pretend anything is normal. We know it's not. But I think we need to be open to the idea of a new normal. It's not going to be something we can be ok with over night, though, but gradually." He rubbed his hands gently up and down your arms. "There's nothing wrong with your feelings about it, okay? Please don't feel like you're being irrational about wanting to wait. It's perfectly OK to wait. We can do something here, or go to our spot, have a little picnic.. we can do anything you want." You looked up at him and smiled, grateful that you had such an incredible, understanding man in your life. "A picnic sounds perfect. Fresh air would be perfect." "Alright," he smiled. "Let's have a picnic." You wrapped your arms around him for a hug, being engulfed in his secure embrace, and gave him a kiss on the lips, taking a moment to really appreciate how much it meant to you to have Bucky in your life. In a time of uncertainly, he always made you feel safe and heard, and you couldn't ask for anything better than that.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagines #idk about this ending #sebastian stan imagines

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kelieah · 3 years

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work things out

tom holland x pregnant!reader. angst + fluff. language. inspiration. main masterlist. tom holland masterlist. taglist.

not too long ago tom was out the whole day for interviews and press. usually you’d go with him lately but you weren’t feeling too well. given all the strict guidelines, you stayed at home in the apartment in LA that you and tom share. you can’t deny that it did get lonely from time to time, with how busy tom is but your relationship with him is still stronger than ever. it’s a joy, every time he’s off or gets to spend time with you. the both of you cherish it and make every second worth its while.

you both have been together for about four years now. met when you were 19 and he was 21. you truly couldn’t be happier. he’s great, the dates are great, the sex is great. you couldn’t complain. though it did get pressuring from time to time when the whole world relentlessly asked if the two of you are planning to engage, marry or even have kids. the topic has popped up in a couple of conversations between you and tom, but it was never really serious. yet.

yet, you say because you recently found out you’re pregnant. that’s why you’ve been feeling real sick lately and now you’re absolutely terrified to tell tom. usually you’d say luckily. but unfortunately, he’s home now, meaning you know you’d have to tell him soon. but how? tom mentioned that he’s wanted kids, but now? you doubt it. you pushed your insecurities and overwhelming thoughts away for awhile and decided to enjoy tom’s time off with him.

so here you are, a couple of days after his recordings. tom’s in the bathroom freshening up while you’re in the living room relaxing. you plan to tell him soon. eventually. tomorrow.

shaking off the nervous feeling, you smile softly as you watch the newly released interview of tom in esquire. he looked absolutely divine. hair perfectly molded, turtle neck enhancing his clean look. god, you’re in love with him. you giggle at some of his remarks and notice him walk over. “what are you watching, babe?” he hums and sits next to you on the couch, wrapping his arms around you.

“one of your interviews,” you reply and place an arm around him, running a hand through his hair. “i quite like this one, you look rather dashing if i don’t say so myself,” you tease in a british accent.

he chuckles and stuffs his face in the crook of your neck, “yea, yea.”

you watch this next clip and stifle a laugh at the image of tom and nicki minaj photoshopped horribly on a family stock photo. “nicki minaj has announced she’s expected her first child with her husband tom holland. best of luck to the happy couple. this actually really stressed me out,” tom’s voice rang from your ipad.

“oh god, that one. i honestly don’t know how or why the two of us were put together. no relevance,” he murmurs into your skin.

“i honestly don’t know either,” you snicker and continue to watch the video.

“so, that was a big relief for me. because i’m not ready to have kids. i’m not even ready to have a dog properly. anyway,” he said and shifted around in his chair.

those words repeated through your mind immediately and repeatedly, sending a chill down your spine. tom feels you tense up, “love? i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said that in the interview i know—”

“tom? do you mean that?” you sit up a bit and pull away from his embrace.

a bit hurt from your sudden actions, tom’s face falls into a frown. “what?”

“y-you’re not ready to have kids?” you stammer and hug your knees to your chest.

“no,” he replies honestly and looks at you with eyes full of concern. his sharp and confirming reply drives a stake through your heart. you’re fucked now, you thought to yourself. “but i thought we’ve talked about this, sweetheart. right? after we get married,” he scoots closer and hesitantly pulls you back into his arms.

“yes i know— i know. but what if,” you begrudgingly comply and fall back into his chest, pressing your face up against his built. “what if we had a kid now?”

“it’d be really difficult that’s for sure. i’m barely home, and i’ve got many films coming up. press, premieres, and shows. you know? i have some auditions coming up as well, and i don’t know. what about you, baby? aren’t you graduating next year? how would you handle baring a child during school and work. honey?” he repeats himself, noticing how you became silent.

“tommy,” you manage to croak out after feeling a lump build up in your throat. you look up at him with teary eyes and a face flushed with embarrassment.

“yes, y/n?” he sits up and cups your face, swiping away a tear that rolled down your cheek with his thumb. “shit. i’m so sorry baby, but we have to think realistic here. with my career, your career. our schedules and all. we can’t, right?”

“i suppose,” you sniffle and purse your lips. “fuck tom, you’re going to hate me when i tell you this.”

“this?” he trails off, a hint of suspicion in his eyes as he had a feeling about what you were about to tell him.

“i-i’m pregnant,” you say cautiously and shut your eyes closed tightly.

if only you could see the look on his face. he jumps up and brings you with him making you squeal as he holds you up high. “what!? are you— are you actually!?” he cries out and pulls you back down, hugging you closely.

“yes,” you whine, bit surprised at his reaction as he sways you in his arms. “y-you’re not upset? you just said you’re not ready?”

he shakes his head and tenderly presses kisses along your shoulder and back up towards your lips. “just because i’m not ready doesn’t mean i don’t want to have kids with you. i’ll be ready. i’ll fucking, shit i’ll make myself ready. my sweet, love, darling. hell, i’d never. never be upset for you baring our child, never. never in a million years. are you, are you actually?” he asks once more for safe measures.

“yes,” you begin to cry out in joy and nod excitedly. “i-i took one of those pregnancy tests but to be sure i just took the whole fucking box. so i pissed on like five sticks and— and they were all positive, but i still wasn’t pleased so i went to the doctors and tom. i’m already three weeks,” she whimpers

“holy hell, has it really been that long since we’ve had sex!?” he exclaims and your jaw slacks. he laughs loudly and you shove him harshly down onto the couch. “i’m joking! just joking, oh darling. oh my love. i’m so happy i couldn’t express myself more, i don’t know what to say—” he rambles on while you straddle his waist. you place a finger on his lips and he instantly shuts up, carefully placing his hands upon your hips.

“i love you,” you sigh and lean down, placing your forehead against his.

“i love you more,” he responds and pulls your waist closer. “we can work this out. i’m sure you’ll be able to manage college, but work? maybe it’s time you quit that bloody job of yours with the asshole of a manager. i know you don’t want to depend on my money but angel, c’mon. been together for almost five years now and i’ve barely spent a dime on you.”

you sigh and nod reluctantly, “i know. i’ll quit the job. definitely don’t need the extra stress. but this doesn’t mean spoil me, tommy. you know that right?”

“why not!?”

“because! because well, you don’t need to. it’s waste.”

he lets out an offended gasp, “how dare you insult my future wife and child like that. spending money on you both, will never be a waste. you hear me?”

“tooooommy! i meant me, yes spoil our child but not me.”

“i’m not arguing about this, sorry darling,” he shrugs.

you slap his chest and huff frustratingly. “but, what about you?”

“i obviously can’t cancel the films, but i’ll take out press i don’t really need to do, you know? with covid still around, i doubt there’ll be any press tours for another year so that’s nothing we need to worry about. though, i think i can manage a way to work from home more. besides recording days, obviously. i’m an idiot, ignore me. anyway, and i won’t audition for any upcoming or new films until we’ve settled, yea?”

you take in his words and glance at him in complete adoration. “you’d really do all that for me? for us?” you whisper.

“oh darling, in a heartbeat. i’d do anything for you, for you both. we’ll work things out,” he tilts your chin down and kisses your forehead. “okay?”

you smile lovingly and nod. “okay, thank you.”

“love, don’t thank for me. this is all a given, you hear that?”

“yea, i hear that,” you sigh and curl up in between his legs, cuddling into his embrace.

“good, i love you new mum.”

you flush and hide your face into his shirt. he laughs loudly and wraps his arms around securely, pressing multiple kisses against your head. “i love you too, new dad.”

#kelly's drabbles #tom holland #tom holland drabbles #tom holland blurbs #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x pregnant!reader

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engagemachine · 3 years

Text

"You're so gentle," she tells me. They all say it. I hear it from my patients every time I take their arm to wrap the blood pressure cuff around it, or when I place my stethoscope on their belly, or when I rub circles into their back when I've helped them sit up on the side of the bed for the first time in three days. Sometimes they cry, because it's the first tender touch they've felt since they've been in the hospital. It's very humbling and at the same time very concerning -- why has no one else offered this tenderness to you? Why am I always the first?

But I don't feel gentle. Not when a pair of ribs are cracking beneath my hands as I'm doing chest compressions on a Covid patient who's stopped breathing--the second time I've administered CPR on a Covid patient in two days. I don't feel gentle when I'm wrestling with a patient and begging for them to keep their oxygen mask on. When I have to hold them down and hold them still so my coworker can draw a blood sample. I don't feel gentle when I'm inserting a nasogastric tube down someone's nose, then throat, and into their belly while they're gagging around the tube and their arms are flailing. And I don't feel gentle when I'm washing a sacral wound with bleach and they're crying because it hurts. I don't feel gentle when I have to shout, beg, and plead for patients to listen, when I tell patients they're going to die if they don't keep their oxygen mask on. I don't feel gentle when I have to place a patient in restraints, or when I call a family member and tell them that their loved one's condition hasn't improved. I don't feel gentle when a patient tells me they can't breathe, they can't breathe, I can't breathe, and I'm yelling for coworkers to call the doctor while I'm cycling through different oxygen masks and trying to administer medication to slow their respirations and calm their anxiety.

I'm writing this because I feel like I've been living a little bit behind a veneer on here, although I know deep down that's not really true; I have always wanted my blog to feel like a positive space for anyone and everyone, including myself. I come here to have fun and destress and that's why you usually don't see me reblogging content having to do with politics or global news. I think it's possible to create a healthy space where one does talk about those things and spreads awareness for important causes, but for me, Tumblr is where I come when I need to escape the harsh realities of real life. This is my platform where I can indulge in my fictional proclivities and interests, where I can appreciate art, photography, beautiful writing, my favorite films, music, and cute animals. That's what this space is about. I also have loved meeting new people and getting to know my readers and making new friends and chatting about my stories. That's why I'm here and I thank you all so, so much for indulging me in my passions and for encouraging my writing the way that you have: it has helped me weather the current storm of stress I am feeling in more ways than I could possibly convey.

But I have to be very honest with you all about how much I've been struggling lately, as I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point and I'm somewhat at a loss for how to handle it.

Since September of last year, I've been on an accelerated track to finish the degree I'm working towards, which is a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I've been a nurse for four years, but I graduated from a two-year nursing program versus a four-year program because I wanted to get into the field earlier than some of my peers, which has been great. Anyway, my school counselor/mentor and I agreed that I could obtain my BSN in a year if I really pushed myself. The program I'm in is self-paced, which has been both a blessing and a curse. Most of my classes I have finished in about three to four weeks. Other classes, like biochemistry, took substantially longer, about seven or eight weeks, if I remember correctly. All of the classes have relied on my ability to self-teach, as there are no scheduled lectures to attend, only assigned readings and videos to watch, if you choose to do so. Fast forward to the end of May, when I went to visit some family, and, upon my return home, really started to lose some of my motivation to complete my classes. I was meant to finish my program in August (this month) but agreed with my mentor that I would take a short break and put my last three classes on hold so that I could resume the program in September. I've enjoyed approximately a month off from school, but "enjoyed" is a term I use loosely here as I was also picking up extra shifts at work because we've been so short staffed and losing nurses left and right.

Which brings me to the main cause of my stress. This pandemic has completely changed the landscape for how I administer care to my patients, and the stress of the care itself has been so utterly overwhelming at times I can hardly bear it. I broke down in tears at work on Sunday morning, shortly after 4:30 am, right there at the the nurse's station, and was sobbing so hard that my supervisor had to pull me away so that I could have some privacy. I wish I could tell you that I sobbed harder than I have in a long time--but I had sobbed at work with that same intensity just four weeks prior, only, I had been alone at the time. It's becoming a trend--I either cry at work or I cry at home--because the stress of this job has become unbearable.

I wish--I desperately wish--I could convey to you the seriousness of Covid. I think so much of the world has already decided to move on from it because they're so tired of having to deal with it and, quite simply, are ready to return to normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore and when--or if--we'll ever be able to return to it. And that has caused me a fair amount of stress and anxiety in and of itself. I miss traveling so much and I don't know when I'll be able to do it again. I haven't seen one of my best friends since the fall of 2018 for this reason, which kills me.

I've seen so much death. Transferred so many patients to the PCU and ICU. Frantically chased patients' oxygen saturation, trying to keep them from circling the drain. Being responsible for six or seven human lives at one time is a stress you cannot fathom unless you have done it yourself. I have cried with a patient, a young woman, who had lost her husband to Covid only hours before in the ER, a young woman who was now faced with battling Covid herself but also planning the funeral of her high school sweetheart from her hospital bed. I have wheeled a patient to the ICU so that he could say one final goodbye to his wife--married for over 50 years--before they pulled the plug and removed her from the ventilator. I have raced down the hallway with my patient on BIPAP, pushing his bed to the ICU and praying that he doesn't stop breathing on the way there. I've had to console crying family members over the phone who are worried about their loved ones, not to mention my crying coworkers who are as overwhelmed as I am. These are just a handful of experiences from the past month alone. There are so many more.

The discomfort of my job has become secondary. I expect, now, to be wearing an N95 for a full twelve or thirteen-hour shift because there isn't time to take it off. Not having a chance to pee or go to the bathroom during that time. Not drinking any water until I'm in my car and taking off my mask and finally taking a deep breath.

On a more personal note, I am continuing to lose weight and it's so discouraging. In high school I used to wear a size 2 or 4. Now, depending on the brand, I wear a double 00. My hair is falling out because of my stress. I haven't slept during the night in... I don't even know how long. I'm constantly tired. Exhaustion hits me like a great tidal wave and I am powerless to stop it. I expect now to crash during the middle of the day on my couch, only to wake up at 11pm and be wide awake for the rest of the night, and, if not wide awake, then in an out of nightmares and sleep paralysis. I have thought about leaving my job, but the idea of job hunting during a pandemic, and while I'm in school... it just makes me feel even more stressed.

I need a break, but it feels like there's nowhere to go to escape. I fantasize about some great adventure, going somewhere I've never been, but I also really miss my family and I'm scared to go home to visit.

This post doesn't really have a conclusive ending. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed. Any prayers/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

#text

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libraryofloveletters · 3 years

Note

a fic of chim coming back to live with you as he bunked with Buck due to covid while you worked at the hospital

Home

Howard “Chimney” Han x Reader

Warnings: mentions of covid, alcohol and the consumption of, teasing Eddie about Buck (for my Buddie stans)

Category: Fluff with a lil bit of angst

Word Count: 2k

Author’s Note: I have more Chim content coming soon :) also I didn’t proof-read this so idk hopefully it's okay

“Hey you” you smile at Chim over the phone, he called you while he was getting ready for work, you on the other hand, now getting home from a shift.

“Hey, how was work?” he asked while pouring some coffee into a mug, his phone was up against the wall.

“Hectic but that’s a norm” you proceed to go through your after work routine which consists of disinfecting everything that comes in with you, your scrubs in the washing machine and straight to the bathroom you go. “What time are you off tonight love?” you turned on the shower, the phone rested face up on the counter.

“6 this afternoon, if they don’t need me any longer. What time is your shift ?” he took a sip of the coffee, his face contorting at the overly hot liquid. You chuckled at his little scrunched up expression, “I start at 7 but I got to be in around 6:30″

“Oh my god, is that y/n?” you wrap the towel around yourself when you hear Buck’s voice and heavy footsteps approaching. Picking up the phone so they would see you again, “hi buckaroo, how’s life with your roommate ?”

“Y/n, I'm begging you. Please take him back” Buck was half dressed, you knew they had to leave for work what should have been 15 minutes ago if they wanted to be on time.

“Is he driving you crazy yet Buck ?”

“Yet?” he shouted, “he’s been doing that since day one!”

“Buck shut up and go get dressed. Stop talking to your lady friend.” Chim rolled his eyes. “Ohhh does he have a little girlfriend ?” you tease, you can hear Buck shout a shut up in your general direction making you smile.

“Why don't you come home babe ? I'm sure Buck would be happy to have his apartment back to himself”

“I can’t, you know that” he gives you an apologetic look

“It’s not that you can’t, you just don't want to.”

“Y/n I-” he opens his mouth but you cut him off, “C’mon, we’re both working and yeah, we both need to take the precautions necessary to keep ourselves safe, which we’re already doing. Just think about it? Please ? I miss you.”

“I know,” he sighs, running a hand over his face. “I know- I'll think about it okay ? I miss you too”

“I’m gonna take a shower and try to get some sleep. I love you, be safe okay?”

“I love you too and I will. I'll text you before your shift” Chim blew you a kiss, you blew one back and hung up.

The door to your apartment was propped open as Eddie helped you move the new couch. “No, no lift it! You're going to scratch the floor!” Eddie warned you because you were pulling the couch from your end. You had spilt chocolate ice cream on the couch and the stain just wouldn’t come out. In all fairness, it wasn’t just ice cream, the couch was old as hell. It wouldn't hurt to replace it so you did just that. Eddie was over to help you because one, he’s the only person you knew with a pick up truck who would help you move both couches on a short notice, two, Chim was working and you didn’t really feel like telling him that you were getting rid of his favourite couch and three, Eddie was your best friend, if you asked him to help you bury a body, he’d drop what he was doing and come help you and you'd do the same for him.

After managing to get it into the apartment, you finally get it where you want it. “How about a beer for all your hard work ?” you asked, walking to the kitchen. Eddie took a seat on the couch, “how about you watch Chris next Saturday for me and I'll still take the beer for all my hard work ?” he called out, making you chuckle. “You got a deal, Diaz” you sit beside him, handing him a bottle.

“Chim’s still staying with Buck, right ?” he takes a sip as he looks over at you. You can't help but sigh, “yeah, why? Jealous that you can't have your boyfriend all to yourself, Eddie ?” you tease, Eddie gives you a slight shove. He wouldn’t admit it but the mention of Buck being his boyfriend made him blush. The two of you sat there just catching up on life, it had been a while since you last saw Eddie.

“How’s Chris adjusting to the whole online school ?” you ask, Eddie groans, “It was a little hard at first, they didn’t have a set schedule for a few days and it was hard for him. Now, he's got the hang of it, he really seems to like his teacher.” Eddie tells you, you smile.

“Maybe I'll pop by one day if I’m off. They have me working back to back, so I should have a few days off next week”

“Yeah, that would be nice. Chris misses you. The last few weeks have just been me and Carla who he only sees via FaceTime, it’d be nice to have someone else around.”

“Oh his other dad didn’t come by ?” you ask, Eddie’s brows furrow. He had that adorable confused look he gets.

“Buck, I'm talking about Buck”

“Oh,” the same blush appears on Eddie’s face but he shakes his head. “Not yet”

Your phone was tucked under your leg as you shifted towards the side of the couch, your legs now stretched in front of you. The phone was somewhere under your leg when Eddie changed the topic back to you and Chim and what was happening there.

Across the city, Buck’s phone rings. “Hey y/n!” he says, the audio from your end sounds muffled. “Y/n ? Helloooo?” Buck calls again and it still sounds muffled. He listens for a few seconds, setting the phone on speaker and resting it beside him on the counter. The sound is coming through clearly now and it sounds like you and Eddie were having a conversation. Buck debated for a minute, does he hang up or should he keep listening ? It was wrong to eavesdrop but it’d be even worse to hang up, he just had to know what the conversation was about.

Curiosity always killed the cat.

Buck listened, Eddie had asked you something that he didn’t quite catch but he listened to your reply. “God, I miss him you know ? It took forever to get used to sleeping by myself again and I know I do it when he’s on shift but it’s not the same” you tell him, Eddie hums. Continuing with your thought, “I just want him home I don't care if it’s selfish but what’s the worst that could happen, ya know?”

“You both work equally dangerous jobs right now, he knows that. He worries about you” Eddie says. “Yeah and I worry about him too, but I'd worry a little less if I got to see him.” you mumble, the sound of something clinking from your end.

Buck wanted to hang up but he wanted Chim out of his apartment a little more than he wanted to hang up. His need to hear what was happening was a little stronger than his moral compass, Maybe there’s something in here to make his case to Chim.

Chim pushes the door open, his bag dropping to the floor. Buck was hunched over the counter, his eyes on his phone. “Hey” Chim says, walking over to Buck. Buck looks like a deer in headlights, “Chim” his eyes go from the phone to Chim and then back to the phone. Eddie begins talking before Buck could end the call.

“He’s just taking precautions, y/n”

“I know that Eddie but so is everyone else. He's just being a stubborn ass” you groan.

Buck looks over at Chim, an apologetic look on his face. “Does she-” Chim whispered, Buck shook his head.

“Cut him some slack, he’s trying” Eddie spoke up

“Eddie, stop trying to justify his actions. Everyone is taking precautions, he's not the only one that’s worried about that. You’ve got a kid at home and you still go home to him! All of you have families to go home to and you all do, what’s the difference here ? We’re two grown adults, I don't see what the issue is.” your voice raises slightly.

Chim leaned over and ended the call. “How long have you been listening ?” He questions the blonde man, Buck turns to lean against the counter. “A few minutes before you walked in.” Chim nodded, he stood there for a few seconds before turning on his heels and headed towards the couch.

“What are you doing ?” Buck follows him, all the clothes that had been scattered across his living room, the same ones that had been driving him insane, were now tossed into a bag.

“I’m going home, Buck. Unless you want me to sta-” “god no, go home” Buck answered a little too quickly. “Uh- sorry. You're more than welcomed to stay if you’d like” Buck mumbles, Chim shakes his head and laughed. “Thanks for letting me crash.” He patted Buck’s shoulder as he headed to the door.

---

Eddie was still lazing on the couch when the door unlocked. He looked over his shoulder to see Chim walking in. “Hey” Eddie sits up, “hey, where are they ?” Chim sets the bag down on the floor, he walks to the kitchen leaving Eddie on the couch.

“Shower, should be out soon I think.” He gets up and walks towards the door, “I’ll head out and give you guys some space” Eddie says.

“Yeah, thanks for hanging out with them.” Chim smiles, Eddie gives him one back.

“Anytime man, tell them I said bye. Oh and I'll text later about babysitting” Eddie heads out, pulling the door shut behind him.

Chim knocked on the bathroom door before walking in. “Get out! Can't whatever you want wait dude? I'm in the shower” you groan from behind the curtain, Chim smiles at the sound on your voice. He’s talked to you everyday since he’s been staying with Buck, but it sounded different in person.

“Yeah, it can wait” he leaned back against the counter, your head pops out from behind the curtain.

“You're home!” you seemed excited yet confused.

“I’m home” he smiles

“Wait, is Eddie still out there?”

“He went home, said something about babysitting ?”

You nodded before pulling the curtain shut again. “What changed your mind ?” you called out, continuing with your shower. “Your phone call to Buck.” his fingers tapped against the counter. “What phone call ?”

“Seems like you accidentally called and we overheard. Well, he did, I only heard the last part about me being a stubborn ass”

Chim saw the towel disappear behind the shower curtain, you pushed it back and stepped out, the towel now around you. “I didn’t realize I called Buck, I'm sorry.”

“No, I'm glad you did. You’re right. Everyone else has families and everyone’s okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, we’ll be okay too”

“So you're saying I'm right ?” stepping towards your boyfriend, your arms wrap around his neck, resting on his shoulders. Chim’s hands find their way to your waist, pulling you closer to him and closing the gap between the two of you.

“Yeah, you’re right. Happy ?” he asked, you nodded.

“Always happy when I'm with you” you smiled at him.

---

taglist: @dralexreid @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @keenmarvellover @venusrosepetal @mikaelson-emma @beth-winchester21

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nancypullen · 2 years

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FRIDAY!

Yippee! We’ve made it to the end of another week! That doesn’t really mean the same thing to me that it used to, but Fridays still make me happy. Weekends are when fun stuff happens, right? For us that means old people fun like grilling a week’s worth of chicken breasts and staying up to watch Saturday Night Live. That’s right, we walk on the wild side. Pre-covid we’d probably catch a matinee or even enjoy a meal out, now it’s takeout and an occasional drive-in movie. I’m really, really okay with that. Anywayyyy, I ran out to do my Saturday grocery shopping because our local forecasters uttered the word *s*n*o*w*. We’re supposed to get a couple of inches tonight and I know the fine folks of Wilson County tend to clear the shelves before the flakes fly. There’d be nothing left by Saturday. I ran to Kroger this morning and the parking lot was full. I popped in and loaded up on bananas, apples, blueberries, broccoli, zucchini, avocados, romaine, peppers, salmon, chicken, ground turkey, eggs, and the three things we can’t live without - Diet Coke, chocolate, and cat food. Let the blizzard rage. I have food, books, and plenty of clay for making earrings and doodads. I hope I wake up to a blanket of white.

In a sign that time has become a blur I noticed that my local Kroger was pushing green cookies, green cakes, green balloons, green carnations, green, green, green. Oops, forgot that St. Patrick’s Day is coming up. We don’t normally do anything special. I’d love to make a big pot of corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes but the mister is not a fan. Interesting since he’s the one with the Irish heritage and I don’t have a drop. My DNA proved it.

See that island left in the dark? That’s Ireland and I’ve got no claim to it. You’d think that with that breakdown of my DNA I’d have had a shot at being tall and blonde. Nope, I’m a shrimp and my blonde comes from a bottle now. I forgot to make a Goodwill drop off when I ran to the grocery store. That’s my pattern. I bag or box it here at home and it sits in the middle of a room for a few days. Then I move it to the back of the car and drive it around for a while. Eventually I remember to stop at Goodwill and unload it. I’m pretty sure it drives Mickey bonkers but his slash and burn method makes me nervous, so we’re even. State Farm is putting a new roof on the house next week so that will make it tastier to potential buyers. Shortly after that we’ll be prepared to list and then things get really terrifying. We don’t have a home on the other end yet. We’ve got a Zoom call scheduled on Sunday with a realtor in Maryland - he’ll walk us through the procedure for making an offer on a home up there while we wait to close down here. I’m not picky, but I am asking for certain things - no basement laundry, a window over the kitchen sink, and a sweet, safe little neighborhood. If I could have everything I want it would include a walk-in closet in the master bedroom (that’s now politically incorrect, we’re supposed to say primary bedroom), a pantry in the kitchen, a two-car garage, and public water and sewer. I don’t think that’s a ridiculous list but apparently we’re hunting unicorns. It doesn’t have to be a showplace, I can make it pretty. In a perfect world I’d move across the street from the grandgirl and her parents and they’d never have to worry about a thing. She’d come to my house after school, if they worked late or got caught in traffic she’d just have dinner with Grancy and Grandpa, We’d have so. much. fun. Given the limited inventory we’re trying to be happy if we can just find a home within an hour of them. It’s so frustrating! I keep telling myself that it will all work out, but there’s a part of my brain telling me we’re foolish to give up the security here for the unknown there. Still, we want out of the south and there’s nothing more important to us than family. Onward, onward. Time for a new chapter. I think I’ll crank up the oven and make some earrings for my sister, she’s such a happy recipient of my wonky creations. I’ve been on a gingham kick for spring.

And earlier today I asked her opinion on these...

I hesitated to post that picture here for a number of reasons. First, my sagging cheeks. Then the zits on my cheek from trying a sample of a new moisturizer (why do I tempt fate?). My profile is not flattering. Then I thought...who cares? Aren’t we tired of feeling bad about ourselves yet? We’re all flawed and we’re all aging. Society is just especially cruel to aging women. Men are allowed to age, no one cares. The craggier the better, their crow’s feet and creases give them character. When was the last time you looked at a man’s neck and noticed the wrinkles? But women are marketed every potion and procedure in the world to stave off the natural changes of time. Men go bald, get bellies, liver spots, and grow beards to cover their jowls. We’re supposed to spend and spend and work at staying forever young. I refuse! Oh, I’m not giving up my lipstick, but I refuse to feel bad about LIVING in the face I’ve been given. Some of that is DNA and some of that is life choices. I like the sun and it shows. I’ve put some miles on that face. It’s lived from an Inuit village in the arctic to steamy south Florida. That face has expressed joy and sorrow and lived to tell the tales. I’m not sorry that I’ve lived to be 58 and a grandmother, why does society expect me to feel anything but happy about that? Won’t you join me in dismissing every ad targeting women that makes us feel insecure about what is natural? Take care of yourself, stay healthy, and embrace everything that is wonderful about you. Forget the rest. You don’t owe the world an unlined face, but your talents and gifts will surely be appreciated. Let’s work on loving ourselves exactly as we are. Hmm. I didn’t come here to rant about that. You probably didn’t come here to read it either. Stepping off my soapbox now. If you need me I’ll be at my desk rolling clay and waiting for the snow to fly. If I haven’t mentioned it lately, you’re fabulous. Stay safe, stay well, be kind to yourself. XOXO, Nancy

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rkrispyt · 3 years

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All I’m saying is this: it bothers me that right now we as a society are holding things to a standard pre-Covid. Whether ourselves or our art or our loved ones or our role models and celebrities.

We can’t pretend that this is over or didn’t happen. And everything that we have done while getting through this and everything that we are doing dealing with what we’ve just gone through and everything we will continue to do on our journey towards healing from this unprecedented experience is enough in my eyes.

All we can do is our best for one another and ourselves. And whatever we are able to put out there amidst this trauma, to me, deserves to be celebrated and given some grace.

Personally, everything has changed and pretending like we’re “back to normal” ain’t it for me. Expecting “back to normal“ from others ain’t it for me.

In a perfect, pre-Covid world, I may have judged this season and this finale very differently. But I’m still amazed that these young people moved away from their homes to film this season during a global pandemic. I was at a point that I only left my apartment one day a week to run all my errands because of how scary things were, and the danger for someone at high risk like myself.

They wrote and created 12 episodes. During a time I could barely do a virtual production of a role I’d done before, and just as I was able to push myself to start creating choreography after almost a YEAR of being such a mess due to the pandemic that I was creatively bone dry.

Any single solitary second of this season is more than I ever expected that they would be able to do under the circumstances and far more than I feel like I deserve because they owe me nothing. They especially owe me nothing over their own safety.

I did not survive a pandemic and fight like hell to make it out the other side to do my same old shit. It all has to have been for a reason for me. It just has to or I can’t make any kind of sense out of it. And I don’t want to be the same person I was before, that sees so much wrong in everything and became so pessimistic.

I want to be a person that can find the beauty in things and not just see what’s wrong with them. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m alive every single day. I want to help brighten someone else’s life instead of doing or saying anything that might bring them down.

I very vividly remember a point this season when the show shifted from just something that I would watch to a bright spot during these dark times. Such a simple thing but as hard as this last year and a half has been, I realized little things that bring you joy are worth so much that I don’t give them credit for. Ever since then I have been so very grateful for this little silly show that brought me a bit of joy in the way I used to feel it.

And they didn’t have to do that. They didn’t have to do ANYTHING.

So yeah, I will defend the hell out of this season and allow it its mistakes and missteps. I’m a Hufflepuff for a reason lol.

Meanwhile those that are feel disappointed, let’s find a way to turn it around and make the most of it. Let’s arrange a Portwell week. We should regardless. Let’s get some writing challenges going for brief moments you wish we’d seen or head canon posts or talks about what we loved. I’m all about trying to stay positive and, more than anything, grateful.

Because everything in life will leave you wanting more if you look at it the wrong way. And this ship surprised the hell out of me and was the most wonderful delight that I didn’t even know was coming. Let’s celebrate that and all we got despite the whole world shutting down.

No one asked for this so I thank you for reading if you got this far.

Love and risotto 😉

#portwell #hsmtmts #hsmtmts spoilers #hsmtmtsspoilers

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alilamba · 3 years

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wip...monday

Ugh, so, before this last week, I think I hadn't written anything in...three or four months. My state started opening up again, things were looking good, all I wanted was to be with my friends, outside with my kids, all day, every day, with all my free time. COVID numbers are on the rise nationally again though, so I find myself pulling back in, keeping my kids at home, and...back at my laptop, honestly.

It feels good to write again. Have a very rough first draft of something I've been working on for...years XD

“Are you sure you don’t want to see if I fit into your suitcase again?”

Veronica hates that she’s resorted to the most banal of bad jokes, but…this is apparently where they’re at. Taking a last minute stroll away from the hustle and bustly of the Kanes’ imminent migration from suburban villa to vacation villa, Duncan does the polite thing of not responding, his mouth tightening as he squeezes her clasped hand.

But she can’t seem to help herself.

“Duncan?” she adds.

He stops walking, which is something. Something more than he’s said for the last few hours, after they got up together, suffered through a cold, awkward breakfast while Duncan’s parents wandered in and out of their kitchen, seemingly always surprised to see Veronica still sitting at their kitchen counter nibbling toast with their son.

She and Duncan have known this day was coming for a while, okay? Veronica shouldn’t be feeling such a lump in her throat. She shouldn’t be working so hard to untangle a jumble of nerves sitting low in her gut.

It’s only six weeks. Maybe eight, if the weather is good and the Mannings can join them, but…

“Well?” she prompts, feeling truly pathetic.

Duncan turns to face her, takes her other hand in his own. Why doesn’t he look…okay, well, she doesn’t know how he looks. He looks as if there is something on his mind, like he’s working through a really difficult math problem, or something. But final exams were last week – he shouldn’t have – well – no – okay, Veronica is just trying so hard not to imagine the worst, she’s really grasping at whatever alternate reality is presenting itself. Maybe it really is math. Maybe he’s about to talk to her about math.

Veronica wets her lips. “Seriously, Duncan, I can get pretty sma—“

“I think we should break up.”

In retrospect (well, later in retrospect. Not now. Now she has no spect at all to retro) she will realize this is not at all a surprise. That a hundred clues presented themselves to her over the course of the last 48-odd hours, and that this is merely a culmination of all of those things.

Now, however, the ground does a really awful job of opening beneath her feet, and she gets the horrifying feeling of missing a stair.

“What?” she manages, and her voice is small and fragile.

Duncan is frowning, staring at something in the vicinity of her navel.

“I said, I think we should break up.”

It’s really no better to hear it a second time. She feels like she drops an extra six inches into the dirt.

“But – why?”

He squeezes her hands, and Veronica remembers to take a big, giant, shaky breath.

An awful, horrendous, horrifying thought occurs to her.

“Wait, is this about la—“

“It’s not about…” he cuts her off, and then glances at her quickly, “that.”

She exhales, feeling the belated sting of tears. Her skin is going hot and cold. Oh god. Oh god this is happening.

“Duncan I don’t understa—“

“It’s just,” he says, and he drops her hands to look away. “It’s just that I’m going to be gone all summer, Veronica, and, well, after that it’s senior year, and then college, and, well, honestly, I just think that it’s a lot to ask of us, okay? Just a lot to ask, when we’re about to go start our lives.”

“But, Duncan,” she hears herself say, and she already knows she will hate herself for this because it feels far too close to groveling, “Duncan, I can make the time, I can probably afford a fli—“

“Look, I’ve thought about it a lot,” he insists, turning back towards her. He’s a bit taller than her (fuck, everyone is), and he’s standing between her and the sun, and she has to squint to make out his features. “And – this is the right decision. I’m sure if you think about it, after I’m gone, you’ll realize the same.”

The burn of unshed tears is really pressing upon her now. Oh god – she’s pathetic, she thinks, except it’s with this panicky, oh my god, oh no, oh no, oh no mantra looping through her insides –

He takes her hands again, but Veronica barely feels his touch in her clammy hands, because she’s submitting all her energy to not losing it (don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry) in front of him.

“Seriously,” he says, and he leans forward, pressing cold, dry lips to her forehead. The tears she doesn’t want to cry spill over on one side, dripping down her cheek. “This is the right decision. Good bye, Veronica.”

Good bye, Veronica.

The reality of the moment comes crashing down, and Veronica’s hands drop to her sides like dead weights as Duncan steps away, steps around her, and begins his walk back to the house. Veronica can’t move. She can’t move, and she needs to, because her car is back at the Kanes’ house, and she needs to move it out of the way so that their cars can get out of their driveway and they can catch their private jet to Tampa. To Tampa, for crying out loud –

Veronica scrubs at her eyes, furiously willing the tears to stop. Her wet mouth drops open as she looks into the sky, hoping the sun will dry out her tear ducts. Not here, she begs herself. Not now.

Oh my god it’s really over.

She hugs herself in the sun, feeling suddenly cold. Clenching her jaw together, she inahles through her teeth, wincing as she listens for Duncan, turning halfway to ensure he’s gone. Her face crumples again as she follows his path back to her car. No, she reasons, desperately, foolishly, this can’t be it. This can’t really be it. Duncan will change his mind when he’s on the plane. He’s going to call her tonight, because this is just the separation anxiety talking. They’re Duncan and Veronica. They’ve been dating for most of the last year…more or less…well, sort of off and on, really, but definitely they were more on than off, and this was just going to be another one of those off periods, right? Right?

Veronica comes to a stop right outside the Kanes’ driveway gates. Oh god. Her keys. Her bag – they’re inside. Except…

This is surely a new low.

One of the Kanes’ housekeepers is making her way down the driveway, looking polite while she carries Veronica’s shoulder bag. Veronica can manage all of two steps to meet her.

“I’m so sorry,” the housekeeper whispers, offering a tight smile before hurrying back inside.

Veronica is going to cry again. Seriously, she can feel it, and it’s only with a surge of icy hot rage that she grasps her bag to her body and lurches for her piece of shit car.

It’s already unlocked because hello who would steal this car here, and she is sure she leaves a skid mark on the pavement she reverses so quickly.

Tears blur her vision before she’s down the massive hill his house is on.

She knows what this is about, actually.

Oh god. She’s known since she was sitting next to him eating toast, while he pushed scrambled eggs around with his fork.

It was her stupid idea.

Her stupid idea.

He hadn’t even wanted to – oh god he hadn’t even wanted to – memories are spilling through her mind, one after another, and she wants to scream.

Lighting a bunch of stupid candles in his room while he finished packing in his walk-in closet.

Draping herself over his duvet, rearranging her limbs, double checking her cleavage in the stupid bra she’d spent so much money on. It didn’t fit her well at all, but it was 50% off when she bought it, and, well, it was lingerie wasn’t it??

Seeing the look of shock on his face when he walked back into his room.

The awkward conversation that followed (are you sure? We don’t have to – no we really don’t have to) she’d had to convince him, and then it had been…it had been…

Veronica really had nothing to compare it to besides, well, movies and porn.

And she knew sex wasn’t supposed to have so much accidental hair pulling.

That things weren’t supposed to be so…dry.

And painful.

And…

Tears sweep over her face, fresh hot peals of it as she opens her mouth at a stoplight and sobs.

#veronica mars #alilamba writes #vm fanfic #fanfiction #veronica mars fanfiction #LoVe

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yesjejunus · 3 years

Text

So my more eagle eyed followers have probably noticed by now that I deleted all of my fics some months ago. I’ve received numerous asks about them, which I had never planned to answer, but… I am having a change of heart.

So yes, I did in fact delete them all. They weren’t removed, it happened months after last year’s harassment campaign. Honestly I just got… tired. Around the time I figured out I was trans, I went through a period of wanting to abandon my “old” life. I even came pretty close to purging tumblr and leaving the platform again. But ultimately I decided that I was given a good opportunity to pick and choose what I would keep from my old life, and despite everything, I still enjoy this fandom. The fics still went though, because like I said, I was just fatigued.

This is something that I feel a lot of you have picked up on, given that almost a full year later, I’m still receiving asks, DMs, and messages saying that they’re glad I’m still here, and that I’m still creating. And it’s true—over the past year, I have very much not been okay. Some of it was being nearly doxxed and run off the platform last August, but honestly a lot of it was my mental health taking a severe hit from covid; getting harassed to the point of having to leave was akin to kicking a man in the kidneys while he’s down on the ground. Between those two things, 2020 and most of 2021 have been hellish for me. Agoraphobia made a nearly full return, I redeveloped the eating disorder that I conquered a few years ago, and I’ve suffered health problems on top of it that have left me incredibly physically weakened

But I’m not here just to complain and lament the past. A couple of weeks ago I had something truly devastating happen to me, easily one of the worst things to happen in my adult life (if not THE worst), and it was so severe I even strongly considered detransitioning, because it was all just too much to bear. But since then I’ve been trying to scrape myself back together, as I always do. I immediately got back into therapy, and I’ve been trying to make the willful decision to be okay. I’ve been sleeping well, I’ve been recovering from my dental surgery, I’ve been getting outside, and I’ve been pushing myself to eat my trigger foods, so that I can go back to eating a well rounded diet, and just… function like a whole human being again. And for me, some of that is sharing my writing with people, which I have dearly missed, in spite of it all.

With that said though, I won’t be bringing everything back. To be blunt, fear of renewed harassment means that I will most likely not be bringing back my most popular works. I am deeply sorry to those that wanted to read them, or in the case of at least one unfortunate soul who was only partway finished with them, but I just can’t do it again. But some of the smaller things, as well as some new writing, I think I’m finally ready for.

I’m sorry this wound up being a bit of a ramble, but I’m sincerely touched by how many of you have kept in consistent contact with me, or are still giving me their support, and I’m trying to be more okay with being open and sharing things about my life and myself, as nervous as it makes me. More than anything, I’m thrilled to still be here, and to be sharing the things I love with you all <3

#it also feels nice to get some of this off my chest #I guess after a couple weeks ago I'm more grateful than ever for the good things I DO have in my life #and I don't want to give up on them #also I'm going to try to have something new up on ao3 within the week #depending on how busy I am #also since I get the feeling at least one jackass is going to have a go at me about making so called traumatic works #my therapist not only condones it but actively enjoys my writing #and I highly doubt you know more about my mental health and status than she does #so save it for a mammal that cares

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butwhyduh · 3 years

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Can you write something about Tim Drake x reader where he’s on a business call from home (quarantine maybe?) and the reader flashes him and he gets all flustered? I saw a tiktok like that once and made me think of him.

O I had to google it and I wanna try it out lmao

Warning: smut

Tim is straight up a workaholic. There’s no getting around that. You only dated him through shear force of your will to make time for him. He did try to make up for it with making the best of his time with you. There was once where he took an entire week off and you both went to a tropical beach where you spent half of your time in bed. And the couch. And the shower. And a private beach chair.

Right now you spent most time alone. You saw your vibrator more than your boyfriend and the fact that you were in quarantine together made it way worse. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

You were going to copy a tiktok trend. You weren’t going to record it because no one wanted a video of Bruce Wayne’s heir that currently was running Wayne Enterprise reacting to his girlfriend flashing him. I mean, the media would go nuts but in a bad way.

“We’ll come back to the quarterly inventory in a week. I expect our level to be around 20% lower due to COVID so it’s not really a surprise. As I was saying...” Tim spoke. He was in a white long sleeve button down over plaid sweatpants. He’d been on zoom meetings all morning but was currently lounging on a regular phone call. He looked incredibly stressed.

You walked up to him and he smiled a little before going back to his meeting. It sounded incredibly boring. “Bruce said that he would be in-in-“ he stuttered as he watched you slowly strip off your shirt. You weren’t wearing a bra and he stared at your breasts before trying to continue the conversation.

“In the office tomorrow taking care of paperwork. Yeah, I’m still working from home. Not having a spleen comes in handy for once,” Tim laughed but his eyes were on you. He adjusted the front of his pants. You upped your moves by running your hands along your breasts, taking a nipple in both hands. Tim’s mouth fell open and lost his place in the conversation. You made the softest moans that wouldn’t be heard on his phone.

“Lucius, can I call you back? Yeah, an hour?” Tim asked quickly. You could see a tent forming in his sweatpants. He tuned his phone off and tossed it on the coffee table. “Sunshine, what are you doing?”

“Nothing,” you said, walking up to him and straddling his lap. He held your hips. “It’s just been a while since we’ve been together.” You rubbed against him. He groaned.

“That’s why you’re teasing me?” He asked reaching up to play with a nipple.

“I’m not teasing. I’ll follow through,” you batted your eyes at him innocently. He pulled you down into a kiss. He rolled your nipple between his fingers. You moaned against his mouth. He pulled back.

“And what if I couldn’t get off the phone?” Tim asked, running his hands across your body.

“Well... I might have kept going. I guess I would have just had to fuck myself,” you said before laughing.

“Wow. So you’re only using me for my dick?” He teased.

“Well, I can’t deny I love your big ol’ dick,” you said reaching down to touch him through his pants. He inhaled deeply before you started rubbing. “But I don’t see you enough for that to be the only reason. I guess I’d have to love you to be in the same apartment and still not see you and still want you.”

“Aww aren’t you sweet,” he said sarcastically. You dipped into his underwear to slowly jerk his cock. Tim grunted.

“Don’t you know not to trash talk when someone holds your life in their hands?” You whispered. He slipped his hands in your sleep shorts.

“You’re awful wet for someone in charge.” He slid between your folds and slid two fingers in your core, curling his fingers like you liked. You both continue just using your hands on each other as you heavily made out. You finally pulled away.

“Okay I want you in me,” you breathed. He smirked.

“But I am,” Tim said cockily before swirling his fingers in you.

“Tim. You know what I mean,” you said pushing his boxers down. He chuckled.

“My life is in your hands,” he said before pulling his hand out of your shorts. You stepped out of them and straddling his hips. He held your waist and rubbed soft circles on your abdomen with his thumb. You sunk down on him with a sigh. You’d think he’d have a small dick because he’s slim and not super tall but no he was one of those skinny dudes with a big dick. It’d taken a while to get used to it and that’s probably why he was amazing with his fingers.

“Fuck,” you breathed before you started bouncing slowly. He slid a hand down to rub your clit with his long fingers. You couldn’t get used to how fucking full you felt with him in you and the first few minutes were usually just calming tf down. You finally started getting some speed and really started riding him. Usually most guys wanted to be on top but Tim was perfectly happy with being rode, knowing that you could control how much of him you took better that way.

Tim kissed your neck and collar bones and breasts and anywhere else his lips fell. His fingers made steady practiced circles on your clit. His other hand cupped your breast and gave it an occasional squeeze.

His phone started ringing on the coffee table. Tim moved to grab it and you shoved it to the floor on the other side and started moving faster. He gripped your waist and cursed.

“I should-I should answer that,” he breathed with his eyes closed. He made a deep moan.

“Call them back,” you said pressing kisses on his face. Tim nodded. His hips started moving up to meet yours. You whimpered. He was so deep but it felt so good. You weren’t going to last long.

“Yeah,” he rasped. “Are you close?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you moaned before reaching your peak. You grinded against him roughly as you moaned out his name. He held your ass as he finished too. You laid on his chest panting. Tim wrapped his arms around you.

The phone rang again. “I’ve really got to get it,” he groaned. You couldn’t help but wince as you pulled him out of you. You grabbed the phone and gave it back to him as you laid back on his chest. Tim cleared his throat before answering.

“Hello, no I haven’t checked my emails yet. Yes sir, I’ll get right on it.......Of course, the southern regional sales quota is important but I thought our biggest buyer was the US military.... I’ll look at the research and let you know by the end of the day,” Tim said before hanging up. He hugged you tight and kissed your forehead.

“I’m sorry I’m always too busy. I’ll take a break this evening, okay?” Tim said brushing his thumb across your cheek. This was why he was worth it despite his hours. The look he had like you were the only thing he could see.

“Yeah. It’s okay. I’ll just have to repeat this another time,” you said and he laughed.

“No no no. The last thing I want is an important meeting with a boner.”

“Okay I guess. Then you have to be the one to take a break. Because you need so many fucking breaks,” you said brushing the hair from his face.

“Only for you, sunshine. I hate to be the bad guy but I have to get back to work.”

“Work like this.”

“With a beautiful naked woman on me, with my dick out, on my back? What kinda job do you think I have?” Tim laughed and his blue eyes lit up. You laughed.

“You’ll get a reaction at the investment meetings for sure.”

“Yeah, Bruce a heart attack.”

#Tim drake #Tim drake smut #Tim drake x reader #friday night smut #batboys smut #red Robin x reader #Red Robin smut #Red Robin #yum

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tomhollandnet · 3 years

Link

Vanity Fair: How have you been doing this past year? I mean, what has life been like in these COVID times for you?

Tom Holland: I got to say, Richard, I’ve been very fortunate during these difficult times. For me, my career hasn’t really halted. I’ve been lucky enough that I’ve been able to continue working. I made a film called Uncharted with Mark Wahlberg last year. I’m currently shooting Spider-Man 3 at the moment. So I’ve been very lucky.

It put a pause for a while, and I went home and we locked down in London, and I had a few months where I was sort of kicking about the house. But all in all, I’ve had a great time. And I’ve really enjoyed the jobs I’ve been working on. And I definitely recognize how lucky I am to be working, when so few people are at the moment [and are] really, really having a hard time. So I’ve been very lucky, and I’ve been enjoying myself.

And now you have this whole different kind of work, promoting Cherry and kind of getting the word out about that movie. I have a bunch of questions about this big epic. But I’m curious in terms of, what’s the origin story? Obviously you’ve worked with the Russo brothers pretty intensely for the past few years. Was it just kind of an automatic collaboration?

Yeah, basically as simple as that, really. I mean, I was working with Joe and Anthony on Avengers: Endgame. And Joe took me aside and said, “We’re making this film. We want you to be the lead. It’s a small, independent film.” He didn’t tell me what it was about. He just sort of told me that he wants me to be in it. And I was honestly just touched that they wanted to work with me. Of all the people in the business they could work with, I just felt really honored that they’d chosen me. And then when I finally got the chance to read the script, I was even more blown away, because I finally recognized the opportunity that had been handed to me.

As a young actor, you’re always looking for ways to challenge yourself. You’re looking for ways to push yourself you haven’t been in the past. And I think we could probably agree that this film achieves both of those goals. So as soon as I read the script and I knew that it was the Russos making it, it was a no-brainer, and it was a very definite yes.

It definitely does feel, I mean, in terms of its content and its style, even, like a big change for you. Do you at all view this as your first grown-up role, or your first adult role? I mean, is that how you kind of look at a project, or is it more just, this specific thing interests you?

That’s an interesting question. It depends what you mean by an adult role, but my agents and I are very strategic in choosing our moments, and trying to be really clever with when we decide to take that next step into becoming an adult and making films about real people and about real problems and getting messages across. And we did that a little bit with Devil All the Time, the Antonio Campos movie. That was kind of the first step, but Cherry is the big step. And that was why it was so daunting, because I haven’t done a film like this before. And I was nervous to see how the world would see me in that light and as that character. Obviously, the film hasn’t come out yet, but I am very apprehensive as to see how people respond to my work in this film.

There’s a lot of intense stuff in Cherry. What was, to your mind, when you read the script, the most daunting thing? What were you most scared to shoot?

I think it was probably the emotional aspect of the film. Physically, I knew I could do it. I knew I’d be able to do that. But emotionally, I’m very lucky and lived a very charmed life, and I’ve been an actor since I was 11. So I haven’t really had to deal with much trauma, or sorrow, or grief, or things like that. So I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to maintain that level of emotion for a four-month period. That is where the Russos became so valuable, because they were my safety net. That’s where Ciara Bravo was so valuable. She was my partner in crime, and she’s absolutely astonishing in the film and a great friend. And I can’t tell you how lucky I am to have had her to help me throughout this process. So I think for me, yeah, the thing I was most daunted about was maintaining that level of emotion.

What kind of prep did you do? I think actors who are very good actors, they can fall into the trap of when they’re supposed to be acting high or on drugs or something, there can be a sort of showiness to that, as sort of theater. And something that’s really, I think, immersive and bracing about Cherry is that there’s none of that. It feels entirely credible when these characters are in these lows of their lives. Did you talk to soldiers, addicts, anything like that, in prepping to shoot?

Yes, absolutely. We did loads and loads of research. I mean, I must’ve sat down with 30 different people who are all veterans, who are all medics, all suffering from PTSD and substance abuse. And for me, the more information I could get about a problem that I knew so little about to begin with, the better. I worked with nurses. We worked with someone who was running a rehab clinic in Cleveland, and he became our consultant and would be there on set with us every day and would show us how to shoot someone up and show us how to cook heroin, or explain to us the feeling of what would it be like if you mixed a bit of crack with heroin.

There’s a scene in the film where I go to rob a bank, and I shoot up in the car just before. And he said to us that day, “You would never do that before you go into rob a bank.” But if you put a bit of crack in there, it would totally change your attitude and your physical prowess, I guess. So having people on set like that to kind of guide us through the process was so valuable.

I think I’m a bit older than you, and these characters are about my age. I was in college in the early 2000s, and 9/11 was my first week of college. And people in my hometown, well, my neighborhood in Boston, a lot of them were lost to opioids, either killed, or went to prison. And you’re younger, but did you see any parallels between this kind of half-generation removed and your age, the Generation Z? Do you think that a lot of these things are still kind of ongoing?

Yeah. I mean, arguably the opioid epidemic is worse now. And it’s affecting far more people. I think one of my favorite things that Joe said, Joe Russo, is the opening of the film is these swooping shots over Cleveland. We fly over Cleveland, and we see thousands and thousands of houses. And that is to convey to the audience that, yes, we’re telling the story of two people, but really, we’re telling the story of millions of people. This is one story amongst millions. And I really hope that this film can shed the light on a problem that’s invisible, and a problem that is mostly fought in the shadows. People are very ashamed to talk about their addictions and that sort of thing. So I hope that this will shed light on that problem, and people will change their attitude towards people who are suffering from addiction.

It almost feels surprising that there hasn’t been something about this very epic subject matter. What were the conversations like on set about the film’s style? I mean, it is pretty stylized. Did you feel that in the shooting, or is that kind of all added after the fact?

Absolutely. I mean, the Russos changed their way of shooting time and time again while we’re making this film, from different lenses they were using, from different styles of lighting, from different performance techniques. They would frame us sometimes very differently throughout the film. So we were very much aware of the different type of chapters we were trying to make.

Was that a real head-shaving moment in the film?

Yes. Well, we’d already shaved my head, because we were shooting prior. But what we did is we had about a week’s worth of work where we just allowed it to grow, and then he shaved it down to a one. But I actually loved having a shaved head. It was so nice. It was so refreshing to wake up, get out of bed and realize that your hair was already done. It was one of the only luxuries of playing this character.

Yeah. I let my hair get too long during quarantine, and then said, “Screw it. I’ll get the shortest haircut I’ve gotten in years.” And it is liberating. You just wake up, and you’re done.

Totally.

You’re on set, filming something else now, in very changed times from when I think Cherry was filmed. What is it like being back on a set? I mean, I’m not asking for spoilers or anything, don’t worry, but just in terms of the actual day-to-day of filming a movie with all these new restrictions, how has that experience been?

I mean, I love being on set. It’s where I feel most at home. It’s obviously limiting, with COVID, and we’re having to be very careful and very responsible in the way that we behave. There’s certain protocols that we have to follow, to make sure that we maintain this level of safety for the cast and crew. It can be a little tedious at times, but it’s so necessary. And we all recognize how lucky we are to be working right now. So it’s a necessity that we don’t mind taking on because, as I said, we’re also lucky to be here.

#tom holland #interviews #long post

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iwannaban0nym0us · 2 years

Text

Trans Story Time

Ok, I’m going to start from the beginning, December 2019 nearing 2 years ago.

After thinking about it for a couple months I finally told my mom I wanted to cut my hair, not just a trim. I wanted to go from hair all the way down my back to a “boy’s” hair cut. We talked about it a bit figured out how I wanted it cut and set up a hair cut for February break.

At the time I really believed I wanted to cut my hair to make my life easier and it had nothing to do with gender. My first hint that that was wrong should have come when I was so so so happy after I cut it all off. The relief I felt was immense, my smile was so big, that’s one of the happiest photos I have of myself.

Then a month after I cut my hair off COVID hit and my life turned upside down.

In June 2020 a second one of my friends came out as gender queer (another one was out a about year before that, but this one I knew much better then than the first one to come out)

Several months after that and about a year ago now I started to question my gender. I pushed back against it though. I told myself to wait, it’s not like I’m going to come out before collage anyway (because there’s no way a trans kid could play soccer), I might as well wait to question. I told myself I just didn’t like the stereotypes placed on me. I told myself it was normal to hate my boobs it’s not like they’re helpful, they just get in the way. I told myself I was fine with myself yesterday I must be making it up today.

Then, eventually I started to realize that not all of that was true. I changed the story to I’m defiantly cis but she/they is nice online.* I want to bind but cis people can want to bind and cis people don’t like their chest either. Why would anyone like their chest anyway. Often I’m fine like this so I’ve got to be cis. I’m just GNC and queer.

Finally one day I had had enough of this round about questioning and I opened up lgbt wiki and started scrolling through the genders. I found a couple that felt kinda right that afternoon, but then I had to stop and do hw and get sleep and stuff. The next day none of labels I picked out felt quite as right as they had and totally new gender fit best. Throughout that week I kept scrolling through genders and thinking about my gender each day and by the end of the week I was thinking ‘I’m genderfluid’.

Then in May one of my friends (who I’m now dating and was the first in our friend group to come out as trans) found my tumblr, and figured out my gender through it. I still remember that night so vividly—there are only 2 other things I can think of that can compare to how stressed I was that night, one of them is when I talked that friend down from suicide and the other is the most stressful school presentation I have ever given (neither of these are quite right but they both help capture the feeling).

After the initial shock had worn off we messaged a little and I basically said I’m still figuring shit out and I want you not to tell anyone else about this and to basically ignore it yourself.

Slowly over the summer I opened up more and more as I got more confidence in myself and figured myself out more. I still held onto the idea that I wasn’t going to come out to anyone until collage (and I stupidly defended this with the thought that if I came out I’d have to quit soccer—which is not true, look up ‘Quinn Canada soccer’ if you don’t believe me). I let my friend use they/them and he/him pronouns for me and I let my friend call me Blair. Eventually my friend was helping me pick a new name and I was talking openly with vaer about gender.

On the first day of school I was finally ready to come out to someone for real. Remember that genderqueer friend, the second one to come out in the friend group, yeah well they’ve been my really good friend since 5th grade. They were the person I picked, since they’re trans and someone I trust. And it went really well when I came out. I pulled my friend aside at lunch and told them and they were so happy for me and supportive.

Over the next week I slowly came out to my friends, a couple people at a time, pretty casually until I finally worked up the nerve to come out to the whole chat not long after another friend did. My friends all were supper supportive and started using my names and pronouns immediately but also made sure not to out me.

Like a week after that I came out to my parents (on a Thursday) and then against my parents wishes I came out to my grade with my chosen name over the weekend and my teachers the next Monday/Tuesday. My parents were pretty good about the whole ‘I’m not a girl’ thing but hated all of my chosen names and refused to use them.

I’ve been out to my parents for about 2 months now and they’re finally really using my chosen name and this week they gave me permission to change my name in the school system.

I went from denying my gender because I wasn’t going to come out before collage, to being an out and proud genderfluid person a month into this school year (which is not my senior year). I’ve come so far, I still have a few steps to go before I’m fully out but man have I made sooooo much progress. I am so much happier and content with my life and gender now then I was a year ago when i was deep in the depths of questioning and denial.

I”M SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF

To any other gender questioning kids out there I’ve 2 pieces of advice for you;

1. Embrace the questioning, the longer you put it off the more it eats you up inside, it’s so much better to know, even if you don’t tell anyone.

2. It gets better, I know you hear this everywhere, but it really does, if you haven’t already you will find people who will support you and see you for the real you. You just need to take that first step, when you feel ready come out to that one friend, the one you know will support you and go from there.

*I’m not saying that cis people can’t use she/they, it’s just that that wasn’t true for me

#me #genderfluid #gender #trans #transgender #queer #nonbinary #genderfluid pride #coming out story #processing gender #gender questioning #enby #suicide mention

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