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autumnshighlady · 3 months

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Run For Your Life (pt. 2)

Dark!Azriel x dark!reader

summary: you've been with Azriel for 6 months now, and you began to embrace your twisted side. Azriel finds out what happens with you're pissed off, and you decide to punish him.

special dedication to @febbrile for giving me this idea for part 2

warnings: DARK FIC! both Az and reader are unhinged psychos, sub!azriel, dom!reader, flirting, possessiveness, knife play, orgasm denial, masturbation, face sitting, gore and violence, terrible communication, there's one thing that's deliberately left unclear (send me an ask with what you think it is / what actually happened)

word count: 8.7k

see the playlist for this fic

read part 1 here

A/N: As you may know, i've had a very rough few days. I was going to take a break from writing but decided to finish this fic up first, so the last 500 ish words are rushed and i apologize for that but i hope you enjoy anyway

DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE

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“I’m going to have so much fun with you.” He purred before his shadows encompassed him and he vanished, leaving you alone wondering what just happened.

SIX MONTHS LATER

You tapped your nails on the wooden bartop, scowling. The whiskey burned your throat, but you barely felt it. You were pretty sure a male from a few seats down from you was trying to get your attention, but his yappy voice faded into the background. The skin tight black dress you donned was constricting, making your skin sticky and sweaty. But you paid it no mind, for your attention was elsewhere.

Azriel was chatting with a pretty female over by the counter where you order food. She was tall and leggy, curly black hair swept into an elegant updo that showed off the open back of her dress. Her hand was brushing against Azriel’s arm, her head thrown back in a high pitched laugh at a joke that surely can’t have been that funny. Anger shot through your veins as Azriel’s white canines flashed in a charming smile, not even glancing your direction.

You couldn’t decide whose throat you wanted to slit more.

For the past six months, Azriel’s visits had become an everyday routine. At first, you had resisted, attempting to fight him off as you began to realise one night wasn’t enough to satisfy his obsession with you. He always emerged victorious, always getting what he wanted in the end, your traitorous body urging you to let him take care of you. It had taken you a few weeks to come to your senses, but you were glad. Azriel knew exactly how to take care of you, not just in the bedroom, but in everyday life. He chose your outfits for you, your meals, your nights out, everything. At first, you hated it. But now, it was freeing. You no longer had to worry about anything, knowing Azriel would take care of it.

Azriel took excellent care of things that belonged to him.

Every cell in your body needed him now. He was like oxygen, a constant requirement to keep your body going. Every second the shadowsinger spent away from you was pure torture, leaving you a whiny mess when he returned from work. To anyone else, it would seem pathetic, like you were a helpless wreck of a female. But they couldn’t be more wrong. It was the opposite – it made you powerful. Not only did you belong to Azriel, but Azriel belonged to you. You had the spymaster of the Night Court all to yourself, wrapped around your finger and ready to bend the world to your whim.

Except it didn’t feel that way right now, as the male you were now completely obsessed with was eyeing up the cleavage on another female. You scowled harder as he did nothing to deter the female as she stepped even closer to him, practically crawling into his lap. The bartender handed you another shot, and you angrily downed it, not even feeling the burn.

A male slid into the seat next to you, so close you could smell his cheap cologne. He was on the shorter side, blonde shaggy hair framing his boyish face. Large eyes drank in your figure hungrily, and he slid a hand up your back with the confidence of a much more attractive male. “Another drink for the lady over here.” He said to the bartender, flashing you what he must have thought was a charming smile. “So, what’s a pretty female like you doing–”

“Fuck off.” You grumbled, interrupting him. You reached behind and slapped his arm off your back, his skin like a wad of slime on your own.

“Oh, come on, baby,” The male persisted. “I just bought you a drink. The least you could do is entertain me.”

You groaned inwardly, sneaking a glance at Azriel. He had finally looked up at you, hazel eyes simmering with rage. The female leaning against him was too busy giggling to notice that his attention was no longer on her. His scarred hand was limp on her waist, his body frozen as he glared at you. It made you snort, how hypocritical he was being to only look at you when another male had your attention, despite him being the one with a female draping herself all over him.

So you ignored the shadowsinger. Let him have a hissy fit, as far as you were concerned he was going to fuck the pretty female anyway. If he can branch out, why can’t you. You quickly downed the drink the bartender sat in front of you, then turned toward the blonde male next to you, giving him your best sultry look. “I have a better idea,” You purred. “Why don’t I entertain you somewhere else?”

His eyes widened, a look of surprise and glee crossing his face as he fumbled to toss some money to the bartender for the drinks. You gathered your purse, turning around to meet Azriel’s stare once again. Rage came off him in waves, causing the few fae around him to scatter themselves elsewhere. Even the female that had been all over him had taken a step back in uncertainty, her eyes flickering between him and where his gaze was fixed – you. The spymaster’s body was frozen, a muscle in his neck twitching in anger. You half expected him to storm over and fling the male aside, grab you by the waist and drag you home to punish you. But he did no such thing. He only glared at you as you grabbed the male by the arm, leading him towards the exit.

You didn’t glance back at Azriel as the male followed you out of the bar and down the road towards the nearby motel.

**********************

Sunlight crept in through the small window next to the bed. The motel’s breakfast was dry and tasteless on your tongue, but you downed it anyway. The bed sheets were half on the floor, your dress from last night draped across the chair in the corner. You were wearing the male’s button-up shirt, the itchy fabric pungent with his scent mixed with yours, the bottom barely long enough to cover your ass. It was uncomfortable, but your dress got ruined last night anyway. You’d have to find somewhere to dispose of it properly.

You had a pounding headache, but the memories from last night couldn’t have been more clear. The images of Azriel’s angry glare, the male’s hands on your body, the pathetic noises he made for you after you left the bar, they were all crystal clear in your mind. You were still furious with Azriel, but satisfied that you got him back.

However, a part of you knew he was angrier than ever before. There had not been a trace of his presence all night, not even his shadows that seemed to always be around you, reporting your every movement back to him. Evidently, he hadn’t even tried to find out where you had gone last night. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous – either Azriel had abandoned you completely, or he was sitting at home, just waiting for you to return.

You shuddered, wondering what he was going to do to you. Maybe he truly would leave you for the other female, maybe that’s how mad he was.

No. You weren’t going to let him do that.

You downed the rest of the breakfast, gathering your things to get ready to check out. You sighed when you realised you had no pants, as the only thing the male had left behind was his undershirt. You stuffed your ruined dress in a paper bag, shut off the lights and left the motel room, not caring that your ass was nearly on display for the world to see.

First stop was to find some pants, and then you had business to take care of.

**********************

Luckily, it didn’t take you long to find a store to obtain some pants. Everyone had stared at your bare legs as you wandered in, but you didn’t care. In fact, it made you chuckle. If Azriel was here, he would have gone ballistic. He was the only one allowed to see you like this. If he knew that over a dozen people had seen your ass cheeks in the last hour, you couldn’t even imagine what he’d have done.

With a set of pants, you had returned to the bar, posing as a friend of the female Azriel was with last night and trying to find out more about her. The mother seemed to be on your side that day, as one of the bartenders was a close friend of hers. He blabbed easily, and within minutes you were able to find out her name, where she usually went on Saturday mornings like this one, and where she lived. Her name was Beatrice, and she always went to the farmer’s market every weekend to pick up fresh vegetables for the week. She lived in a house near the theatre, right in the heart of the city.

So you wandered towards the farmer’s market, hair down and hanging loosely around your face to hide it. The air was crisp and fresh, chatter from the market filling the air as you hovered in the corner, pretending to sift through a barrel of apples.

It wasn’t hard to spot Beatrice. Her curly black hair was trailing down her back, her cheeks flushed with evidence of a hangover. She wore a simple pair of black leggings and a yellow sweater, a cheerful smile on her face as she chatted with one of the vendors. It was almost annoying how she looked just as elegant as she had last night. You made sure to trail her from a distance, staying out of her sight. You wondered if Azriel would be proud, but shook off the thought as soon as it came.

Once you were sure Beatrice only had a few more things to pick up at the market, you slunk down one of the alleys and headed towards her house. You knew it was the fastest way, allowing you to get to her house before she did.

It was a modest home, sunflowers lining the windowsill and a small swing on the porch. The trim was a deep brown, the wooden accents giving it a charming feel. You crept towards one of the windows along the side of the house, sneaking a glance behind you to ensure nobody was watching. You knew breaking into a house in one of the busiest parts of the city was risky. But that was also the beauty of it – there was so much going on that nobody paid attention to you.

It wasn’t hard to take a small knife and pop open the window then crawl through. You gently closed it behind you, then scanned the interior. You were in the living room, and you couldn’t deny that it impressed you. An elegant piano was in the corner, a large couch next to it with a soft-looking blanket with butterflies on it draped over the top. Various trinkets were scattered across the room, ranging from ancient-looking candle holders to a small music box designed to look like a bird cage.

You couldn’t scent Azriel in the room, much to your surprise. But that surprise was replaced by anger – if he hadn’t taken her here, then he could have taken her to his home. The thought made you see red, but you took deep breaths and settled yourself on the sofa. Beatrice would be home any minute.

About ten minutes later, the sound of keys turning the lock at the door snapped your attention back to the present. The door opened, and Beatrice entered with a large bag of vegetables. She didn’t notice you at first, closing the door behind her and turning the lock shut.

“You know, you should really lock your windows too.” You spoke casually, and the female whirled around in fright, dropping her groceries. Her brown eyes widened in fear as they met yours, and you smirked.

“What… who the hell are you and why are you in my living room?” Beatrice stammered, backing herself up against the door.

You snorted, fiddling with the necklace you had picked up off the coffee table. It was the one she was wearing last night, you remembered – a gold chain with a small emerald. “Oh, come on,” You snorted. ‘You clearly didn’t have that much to drink last night, seeing as you were able to grocery shop this morning. Think harder.”

She frowned, and then her face went slack as the realisation appeared to hit. “You were at the bar last night. I saw you leave with that blonde male. Azriel was furious about it.”

Bingo. “Ah, so you know Azriel then.”

“Not really. We met last night and flirted. It was going well until he saw you with that male, then things got tense.”

Your voice was cold as ice as you spoke. “So Azriel flirted back, then?”

Beatrice shrugged. “Yes? I see no issue with that considering you left with another male, I assumed you weren’t together. Would you mind telling me what the fuck is going on so you can leave?”

“Come, sit.” You patted the space next to you. Beatrice stayed still for a moment, then carefully walked over to the couch. Her body was tense as she sat down, her breathing shallow.

“Look,” She said slowly. “I don’t know what the deal between you two is. I thought he was available, because he flirted back with me. He did not mention you, and I am sorry about that. But then he went quiet when he saw you with the male, and he was furious when you left with him. He tried to keep flirting with me after, tried to convince me to let him come home with me, but I turned him down. I wasn’t about to be caught up between some weird power struggle between what seems to be a fighting couple. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let him use me as revenge. So I rejected his advances and went home alone. That’s all, I promise.”

You swallowed the bile in your throat. Azriel had started this by flirting with Beatrice, you had every reason to retaliate. You knew Azriel probably wanted to take her home, but hearing it out loud made it even worse.

Your face must have given it away, because Beatrice’s expression softened a bit. “I’m sorry, I really am. This must be hard to hear.” She said quietly. “But in his defence, you went home with another male–”

“Shut up!” You yelled, slamming a fist into the table in front of you and making it shake. “Don’t defend him, I wouldn’t have gone home with that male if Azriel hadn’t been flirting with you first.”

Beatrice flinched away from you, fear beginning to creep back into her expression once again as she stood up. “I’m sorry,” She said. “I’m not here to judge you. I don’t want any part of this. But I’ve explained my side to you, so I think it’s best you leave.”

Beatrice walked over to where her groceries lay all over the floor and began picking them up. You bit your lip so hard you nearly drew blood, fist trembling with anger. You knew you should feel relieved that Azriel hadn’t fucked Beatrice, but that wasn’t enough.

So you took deep breaths, relaxing your body and leaning back into the soft cushion. “I’m better, you know.” You said, voice dropping huskily.

The female froze, turning around to face you once again. “What?”

“I’m better than Azriel.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Oh, I think you do.” Your voice purred like a cat as you stood up, walking over to Beatrice. She didn’t move as you closed in on her space, your body less than a foot from hers. You could smell her sweet scent, honey and lavender, you noted. Her chest rose and fell in shallow breaths, and you leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “Azriel is good in bed, but not as good as I am. Sure, he would have given you an enjoyable night, a great one even. And since Azriel is mine, and he failed to give you what you sought after, I feel I am obligated to fulfil your needs in his stead.”

Beatrice inhaled sharply, and you chuckled. You had always enjoyed bedding both males and females, and it had been so long with you submitting to Azriel that you had almost forgotten what it was like to seduce a beautiful female.

“I don’t want to get caught up in whatever this is between you two…” Beatrice’s voice was weak, the scent of her growing arousal betraying her lie.

“Oh, but this is just between you and me.” You said coolly, brushing a curly lock from her face. “Our little secret.”

When you cupped her cheek, she leaned into your touch. Satisfied, you smiled and stepped closer, pressing your body against hers. Your lips brushed hers as you spoke. “I need to hear you say it,” You murmured, caressing her waist with your free hand. “That you want me. Not him.”

“I…” Beatrice’s voice was barely above a whisper. She leaned forward in an attempt to connect her lips with your own, but you drew back.

“Be a good girl and say it.”

“I want you, not him.” She moaned as you squeezed her waist gently. “Please.”

You smiled, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the door at the back where you knew her bedroom was.

**********************

The sun was setting as you made your way back home, a small bag of vegetables in hand. The orange rays from the sunset reflected off the emerald necklace, the chain cold as ice around your neck. You knew Azriel would be waiting for you, and you were ready. You ignored the chill of the wind, still in the male’s shirt whose name you never bothered to learn. It offered you little protection against the cold, and you looked forward to the warmth of your home.

Stepping up to your door, the house looked empty. It was an illusion to anyone who walked by. You could sense Azriel’s presence in there, like an icy frost on the wood just waiting to bite you. But you didn’t care what Azriel’s wrath would bring. You had your own plan.

You swung open the door, locking it behind you and placing the bag of vegetables on your counter.

“Would you mind telling me where the fuck you’ve been?”

Having expected him to make a dramatic out-of-the-dark entrance, you didn’t flinch like you used to when he’d sneak up on you. You sighed in annoyance, knowing it’d infuriate him more. “Farmer’s market.” You said dryly.

Azriel’s towering form appeared from the shadows, coming across to face you on the other side of the counter. You knew he was glaring at you, but you didn’t spare him a glance. “From sunup to sundown?” He demanded.

You shrugged, laying out the vegetables. “It was a busy farmer’s market.”

A shadow found its way to your chin, yanking it up and forcing you to look at him. The sight of Azriel made you gulp. His eyes were darker than you’d ever seen, the anger coming off of him in waves. If you were anyone else, you’d have cowered in fear. But you only raised an eyebrow. “Don’t lie to me.” He said icily. “You were with that male last night, were you with him today, too?”

“Why the fuck does it matter to you?” You spat. “You were too busy burying your dick inside that female to notice me. Not my fault someone else finished what you couldn’t.” The words were completely untrue, but you didn’t care. You just needed them to land their mark.

Azriel laughed heartlessly, but the anger in his eyes grew stronger. “Are you really that fucking pathetic that I’m not allowed to take my attention off of you for five minutes? Is that all it takes for you to go crawling to the nearest male ready to get fucked?”

“She was flirting with you, you absolute prick!” You screamed at him, ripping away from the shadow’s grip and storming towards the bedroom. “And you flirted back! Don’t act like you’re the victim here. You wanted to make me jealous, but what? You didn’t think I was capable of doing the same?”

Azriel followed you. “Don’t walk away from me.”

You tried to slam the door in his face, but his muscular arm caught it, easily prying it open. Azriel roughly grabbed you and slammed you into the wall. You tried to wriggle out of his grip, but he didn’t budge. “You’re the one who fucked someone else, not me.” He growled.

You chuckled manically. “Is that what you think happened, Az?”

His grip tightened, bruising your arms. “Don’t play dumb, you stupid whore. I saw you leave with him.”

You kept chuckling, body singing with adrenaline. You saw Azriel’s gaze go down to your body, where an unmistakably male shirt clung to you. The look in his eyes was positively murderous. Wordlessly, he let go of you and you fell to the ground, continuing to laugh at him as he went towards the door.

“Where are you going?” You asked through giggles.

Azriel grabbed truth-teller from his waist, turning to face you. “You have one chance to tell me where that male is, or I will find him myself.”

You pushed yourself up, sighing and letting out another sick laugh. Excitement bubbled in you as you spoke. “I’m not sure there will be much left of him to find.”

For the first time since you’d met him, Azriel’s eyes widened in surprise. He went utterly still, hand frozen on the door handle. Nothing moved, except for you. You were practically buzzing, a new kind of high taking over you.

“What are you talking about?” Azriel’s voice was low.

**********************

The male’s hands were all over you as you walked towards the motel. You resisted the urge to squirm away at his teenager-like giddiness. You didn’t feel the cold night air, your body was hot with adrenaline.

“I can’t wait to fuck you, baby.” The male said breathlessly, squeezing your ass with one hand.

You let out a fake laugh, but lead him off the cobblestone road. The motel was a few feet away, but that wasn’t where you wanted to take him. Your heels sunk into the mud, dirtying your feet as you headed towards the dark trees in the distance. You felt the male slow behind you.

“Aren’t we going to the motel?” He asked with uncertainty.

“What fun would that be?” You grabbed his hand and pulled him harder. “Come on, trust me.”

The moron just shrugged and continued to follow you. It was another ten minutes before you found a clearing, having nearly tripped over giant roots to get there. This place would do nicely, you decided.

You turned around to face the male, but his shirt was already off and he was in the process of unbuttoning his pants. “Adventurous!” He said excitedly. “I am so fucking hard baby, if you don’t get on your knees and do something about it now I think I might die.”

“Yes,” You said, sliding the knife out of the holster on your thigh. “You will.”

The male barely had a chance to speak before you brought the dagger up and slashed it across his face. Blood spurted from the nasty gash as he fell down, sobbing and clutching his face. His pants were down at his knees, a truly pathetic sight.

“There’s only one male allowed to touch me,” You said calmly. “And if he found out you laid your hands on me, he would do much worse to you than what I’m going to do. So be grateful.”

The male sobbed, pleading and begging pathetically for you to spare his life. But you weren’t phased. After all, your words were true. Nothing you did to him could compare to what Azriel would have done. You were proud of yourself for granting him this mercy. You didn’t know this male at all, know if he’d done anything to deserve a more painful death. But truthfully, you didn’t care.

You leaned down over him, pressing your body into his. It made you want to vomit, but you needed as much of his scent on you as possible. “I want you to thank me.” You said sternly. “Thank me for being merciful. Without me, your death would be stretched over the span of months, if not years. So thank me.”

“Thank you!” The male shouted. “Please, let me go!” It seemed he would do anything you asked if he thought there was a chance at sparing his life. But there wasn’t.

You slashed the dagger across his throat, and hot blood spurted all over you, coating your dress. The male choked on his own blood, sick gurgling sounds echoing throughout the eerie quietness of the clearing. It didn’t take long for the light to fade from his eyes, and death finally claimed him.

Satisfied, you stood up and headed over to the creek to wash the blood off your skin and wipe down the dagger. The water was refreshing, soothing your warm cheeks. You grabbed the male’s discarded shirt and pulled your ruined dress off, rolling the fabric into a ball and stuffing it into your purse. Pulling the shirt over your head, you strode back in the direction of the motel, knowing the wolves will have gotten rid of the body for you by sunhigh.

**********************

You smirked as Azriel stared you down after you told him the story, dumbfounded. His lack of ability to comprehend that you killed the male was almost insulting, but you mostly found it funny. He looked adorable with his eyes wide and his jaw slack, shock written all over his pretty face. It made your blood sing.

“You killed him.” It was more of a statement than a question. No judgement laced Azriel’s deep voice, just awe. Almost as if he was impressed.

“I did.” You said proudly, crossing your arms over your chest. “You would have been proud of me, Az, if you were there. If you had actually paid attention to me instead of trying to fuck Beatrice.”

Azriel’s eyes narrowed, and you instantly realised your mistake. He took a step towards you, cocking his head. “I never told you her name.”

You cursed inwardly at your slip up. You had gotten so caught up in sticking it to Azriel that you mentioned Beatrice by name, something you weren’t supposed to do. Oh well, you’d just have to improvise. “No, you didn’t.” You purred, pointedly bringing your hand up to toy with the emerald necklace.

Azriel’s hazel eyes zoned in on the necklace, and his face went slack once again. “Did you kill her too?”

You giggled, the ice cold necklace a contrast against your warm fingers. “That doesn’t matter to you. Because you won’t get to fuck her, so it shouldn’t matter if she’s dead or alive.”

“She was innocent in this.” Azriel growled. “She didn’t know you were with me.”

“Innocent is hardly the word I’d use.” You snorted. “Besides, you don’t get to be a fucking hypocrite. So you can kill males who put their hands on me but I can’t do the same?”

“You shouldn’t have to!” Azriel hissed, towering over you with his wings flaring. “You are mine. It is my job to protect you, to keep your hands clean. You should not be involved in this shit”

You glared up at him. “I guess I’m just as twisted as you now.”

Something inside the spymaster shifted at your words, and his shoulders slumped. He reached his arms out and wrapped them around you, pulling you into his strong chest. You felt his chin rest against the top of your head, and he inhaled your scent. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” He murmured. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have ignored you, this is all my fault. Please forgive me, I cannot lose you. You are all I think about every breathing moment of my existence. There’s not a line in the world I wouldn’t cross for you. Please tell me how I can make it up to you.”

Part of you wanted to melt into Azriel’s arms, to let him shield you from the rest of the world. To lay you down and worship your body like a priest at the altar, making you feel good and see stars. He was so good at taking care of you, even when he was an ass about it he always knew exactly what you needed at that moment.

But for the first time, you didn’t give in, wanting to show that side of you that you had kept hidden from him. Until now. “You want to make it up to me, Az?” You cooed.

He nodded against your hair, squeezing tighter.

“Kneel.” You said firmly.

Azriel paused, pulling away but keeping his hands on your waist as he stared down at you in confusion. “I beg your pardon?”

“I said, kneel.” Your voice was edged like steel, a husky but harsh tone to it, one you hadn’t used in a while. At first, you weren’t sure if it would work. Azriel was a dominant male and loved control, seeing if he would be willing to give it up for you was a huge gamble.

But while Azriel had never uttered the words ‘I love you’, he had always promised you that you were his world, that he would do anything for you. And this was his chance to prove it.

“You think you’re in charge?” Azriel’s tone was light, testing the waters to see if you were serious or not. “Come on, sweetheart. You know how good I can make you feel. Let me take over, so you don’t have to worry your pretty little head about a thing.”

You stood with your chin high, unflinching as you repeated yourself. “Kneel.”

Azriel swallowed, and for a moment you thought he was going to laugh and walk out. But the male simply bowed his head, dropping to his knees and placing his scarred hands in his lap. You stepped back, satisfied as you admired the view. The silver moonlight through the windows cast beautiful highlights across the Illyrian. His glorious wings were flared out slightly, the bottom part lightly trailing on the ground. Azriel’s dark hair cast shadows across his face, the only light coming from it being his curious hazel eyes looking up at you. He looked like a fallen angel, a once mighty god begging at your feet.

Satisfaction flooded through your body. The roles would be reversed tonight, you decided. Azriel would be the one begging you this time. You began unbuttoning your shirt, and the male’s hands instinctively reached up to help, so you slapped them away. “Did I say you could move?” You demanded.

“No.” Azriel said sullenly, moving his hands back into his lap obediently. His eyes were dark, a turmoil of emotions behind them. You could tell he was fighting his instincts to assume his usual role, grabbing you and pinning you to the bed to do with as he pleased. But he was fighting to obey you, to give you satisfaction in a different form.

“Then stay there,” You commanded sternly. “And watch.”

Azriel’s throat bobbed, seemingly swallowing his protests as he nodded. You shed your shirt and pants, striding confidently over to your bedside drawer, letting your hips sway as you went. You could feel Azriel’s intense gaze burning into you with curiosity, making you chuckle inwardly. He was about to get a taste of his own medicine.

For months, Azriel had controlled your pleasure. He decided when you could touch yourself, when you were allowed to cum, how many times you could be pushed over the edge. And you gladly gave yourself to him, willingly subjecting yourself to his torturous teasing whenever he was mad at you. Once, the spymaster had edged you for an entire night until you passed out. Tears had streamed down your face for hours, body aching the next day from being so tense. Azriel was a generous lover, but a cruel one as well. And now it was your time to turn the tables on him.

You opened the drawer, grabbing the blue vibrator he had gifted you all those months ago. It hadn’t been used much since – there were only a few times when Azriel’s shadows would hold the vibrator to your clit as he pounded into you, as he preferred to use his own hands. As good as the vibrator was, it couldn’t compare to the spymaster’s touch. Which is why you knew he was about to be driven to madness.

Sexual weapon in hand, you walked back over to the kneeling Illyrian. You stopped centimetres from his face, which was level with your thigh. He was breathing heavy, eyes dark as he inhaled your scent. But he had learned from his previous mistake it seemed, as he kept his hands to his sides.

“Take off my panties.” You said coldly. “And do not use your hands.”

Azriel stared up at you, the hazel in his eyes barely visible. He leaned forward, his teeth finding the edge of your blue lace panties. They grasped it, his lips brushing your skin as sharp canines tugged at the fabric. He visibly shuddered, his lips so close to where he wanted them to be, yet not allowed to touch. The scent of your arousal was thick in the air, forcing Azriel to ignore it. You sucked in a breath as his eyes met yours as he managed to slowly pull them down your thighs, not breaking eye contact as they fell to your feet.

You stepped out of the fabric, kicking them to the side and turning around to settle yourself on the bed. You sat on the end, facing Azriel and slowly spreading open your legs. The male’s eyes zeroed in on your glistening cunt, and you noticed his hands trembling with effort to keep them at his sides. You turned on the vibrator, placing the suctioning tip against your clit. The sensation made your legs twitch at the sudden contact, and you let out a loud moan, letting your free hand cup your breast.

Admittedly, the moan was a bit of an exaggeration to piss off Azriel. Evidently, it worked. The shadowsinger was glaring at you. “Oh please,” He scoffed. “We both know that won’t be enough to satisfy you.”

You let out another sigh, kicking the vibrator’s intensity up a notch. “It’s more than you gave me last night. I wore one of your favourite dresses, and you didn’t even try to touch me. I’ve had to go and find satisfaction elsewhere, since you wouldn’t give me any.”

The room was stifling, the scent of Azriel’s arousal mixed with your own, and the faintest traces of Beatrice’s honey and lavender perfume clinging to your skin. You rocked your hips against the toy, your cunt weeping mere feet from Azriel’s desperate face.

“Stop.” He growled sternly. “Let me take care of you, sweetheart. Come on, you know I can do better than that toy.”

You ignored him, your other hand trailing from your breast across your collarbones, caressing all over your skin as you felt that familiar pressure build up in your stomach. It was a slightly foreign sensation, a different feeling than how the buildup to your orgasm when Azriel ate you out felt, or the way your body neared climax with his cock buried inside you. You imagined it was Azriel’s fingers on your clit, expertly working you as you came closer to your orgasm.

“Ok, this little act is over.” Azriel tried to sound firm, but there was a weakness in his voice that dimmed his threat. “Let me touch you. You know the rule – you’re not allowed to cum without my permission. And I don’t give you permission.”

You chuckled at the falter in his tone. “No. You are going to sit there and watch me do what you failed to do the other night. Your rules don’t apply tonight, Az, so suck it up. If you want to touch me, you’ll have to beg.”

Your voice went high pitched as your legs began to shake. Azriel’s protests faded into background noise as you came, your lower body heated and electrified as your orgasm went through you. It wasn’t as intense as some you’d had before, but the unceasing buzzing against your clit as you writhed through your high made you oversensitive.

Once you had come down from your climax, you set the vibrator aside, staring at Azriel. The veins in his arms were prominent with his effort to keep himself from pouncing on you. Disbelief was written all over his face, as if he couldn’t believe you had actually obeyed him. And that he had let you.

“I told you, your rules don’t apply tonight.” You panted heavily. “Now remove your clothes and lay down on the bed.”

Azriel scrambled to his feet, glaring at you but obliging anyways. He smirked confidently as he peeled his shirt off, revealing those rock hard abs that you loved riding so much. You could never get enough of his body, no matter how many times he stripped in front of you. He was truly a work of art from head to toe.

The spymaster unbuckled his belt, pulling his pants and underwear down to reveal his rock hard erection. Your mouth watered at the sight of his naked form, but you did not budge. You only stared at him coldly, rather than dropping to your knees and giving in like he had clearly expected. Letting out a huff of frustration, Azriel crawled onto his bed, flipping onto his back and settling in.

Shadows curled around his wrists, bringing his arms above his head and holding them prisoner there. Azriel’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief, and you giggled. It seems his shadows were on your side tonight.

You crawled over top of him, straddling his waist. His hard cock poked into your backside, making your core pulse against his muscled lower abs. You leaned over top of him, placing one hand beside his head and placing your face inches from his own. The spymaster was breathing heavily, staring up at you with awe.

“You weren’t good to me last night, Azriel.” Your voice dropped, a dangerous tone gleaming on the edge of it. “You flirted with another female when I had gotten all dressed up for you. Instead of even just looking at me, you tried to take her home and fuck her instead of me.”

“I didn’t f–” Azriel’s protest was cut off by a gasp, as you lifted your hips off of him and your free hand reached down and firmly gripped the base of his cock, just how he liked it. He choked on his words, eyes widening as you slowly moved your hand up and down.

“You think she’d be enough to satisfy you?” You teased, mocking his words to you earlier. “She satisfied me well enough. But she wouldn’t be able to give you what I can. She wouldn’t know how you like your cock stroked, but I do.”

To emphasise your point, you squeezed him tighter and twisted your wrist, letting your thumb graze the slit. Azriel let out a breathy moan, shutting his eyes.

“Look at me.” You snapped, forcing the male to open his eyes. He obliged, letting out little gasps as you continued to stroke him.

You leaned forward and let your lips graze his neck, your teeth skimming the skin ever so slightly as you picked up the pace of your strokes. Azriel whimpered underneath you – whimpered. The sound was pathetic and needy, and filled you with so much joy. His pretty face was scrunched up with effort, his hands writhing in his unrelenting shadows. You lightly sucked and bit all across his neck and collarbones, knowing that the feather light touches would drive him wild and send him towards his orgasm faster. You knew Azriel always lasted a long time, his god-like stamina making your body tremble as he relentlessly pounded you through orgasm after orgasm.

But you knew by the way his cock twitched in your hand that he wouldn’t last long like this. You let the tip of his cock graze your slit as you pumped, and the shadowsinger moaned loudly, his muscles flexing.

“You like that, pretty boy?” You cooed against his neck.

Azriel whimpered, bucking his hips into your hand.

“None of that now,” You chastised. “I asked you a question.”

He exhaled. “Yes.” Was all he could manage through his moans.

“I can feel how close you are, it’s pathetic. Normally you last longer. Is this something you’ve dreamed of, baby? Hm? Tell me, do you want to cum?”

Azriel’s eyelids fluttered as he fought to keep still underneath you, a thin sheen of sweat coating his tanned body. “Yes! Gods, yes. Please.”

You sank your teeth into his neck, biting down harshly and making him cry out. Your hand next to his arm shifted, letting your fingertips graze the edge of his wing. “Beg for it then.”

“Please,” The spymaster whimpered. “I’ll do anything you want. Please, just let me cum. Please.”

You hummed, pretending to consider it. Just as his abs tensed signifying his nearing release, you sat up and released his cock. Azriel let out a frustrated yet pathetic groan. “What the fuck?” He protested.

“Not so fun being on the receiving end of that one, is it?” You asked, sitting down on his abs and lazily grinding yourself into them. “I know you’d rather die than admit that you secretly fucking loved it. How pathetic is that? The mighty spymaster of the Night Court, crying underneath me because I wouldn’t let him finish.”

Azriel’s face was deep red, his jaw clenched. A few strands of black hair clung to his forehead. “Please,” He begged with droopy eyes. “I fucked up. Let me make it up to you. Please, let me touch you. Let me make you feel good. Please, I need to touch you. I need you. All I want is to make you feel good.”

You scraped your nail down his chest, eliciting a shiver from the body beneath you. “Is that so?”

“Yes ma’am.”

A wave of arousal had rushed through your veins at not just the title, but the ease at which he said it. It rolled off his tongue so naturally. Sure, you had been called many names in the bedroom before in both submissive and dominant roles, but this was new. And you fucking loved it.

You gripped his chin firmly, letting your nails dig into the skin as you brought your face closer to his. “Say that again.”

He gulped. “Yes ma’am. Please, let me make you feel good.”

You chuckled darkly, sitting up. The shadows repositioned his arms slightly, giving more room on either side of Azriel’s head for what you were about to do, as if they knew already. “I’m going to sit on your face and use you like my own personal toy. You are going to choke on my cunt just as I have choked on your cock, and you are going to be grateful for it and thank me after. You do not get to touch me with your hands, and you will take what I give you. Am I clear?”

Azriel nodded vigorously, eyes gleaming. Truthfully, you knew this was a reward for him. There was nothing in this world he loved more than eating you out. He had often even encouraged you to ride his face. But never before had he not been able to grab your hips and touch you.

You climbed up his body, seating one knee on either side of his head where the shadows had now cleared space for you. As you slowly lowered your cunt towards his face, the Illyrian strained his neck to lift his head as high as he could in a pathetic attempt to get closer to your core.

Briefly, you recalled all the times Azriel had lectured you about how you refused to fully sit on his face, afraid you’d suffocate him. He’d always end up growling in frustration and grabbing your hips, firmly pulling you down so you were seated on his face.

It was time you showed him you learned your lesson.

With no warning, you lowered your cunt onto his face, fully seating yourself on it and grabbing onto his hair with both hands. Azriel groaned in delight underneath you, the sound sending vibrations right into your core. You moaned in relief, rocking your hips against his face. Lewd noises filled the room as Azriel ate you out like a man who hadn’t had a meal in days, eagerly slurping up all your juices. You shamelessly ground into his face, wanting more.

You cried out as his tongue shoved its way inside you, your clit scraping his nose in a way that made your legs twitch. For a second you wondered how Azriel was managing to breathe, but his relentlessness reassured you that he was perfectly fine somehow.

“You’re so fucking good at this,” You moaned. “It’s all you’re good for, isn’t it? Eating my pussy? Pretty boy is just a desperate little whore, isn’t that right?”

The noise Azriel made was muffled, but akin to a pathetic whimper. Something you knew would ring in your ears like a new favourite song.

It only took a few more minutes before your orgasm built up, barrelling towards you at rapid speed. Your thighs tensed up, clenching around his face as you came, yanking harshly on his silky hair. Azriel groaned as you did so, your juices coating his face. Part of you had been tempted to not let him make you finish, but you couldn’t help it. His mouth felt too good on you, something you had missed over the last few days.

Finally, you lifted yourself off Azriel’s face, hearing him take in a gasping breath as you did so. His hazel eyes were closed in bliss, face shiny from your juices as he panted for air. “Thank you, ma’am.” He murmured. You crawled down his body, seating yourself back on his abs while you collected your composure.

“You did so good, Az.” You purred, reaching behind you and gently brushing your fingers against his hard cock. “You’re so good to me. Now, have you learned your lesson?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Azriel said breathlessly.

“What lesson would that be?”

“Don’t flirt with other females.”

“Exactly.” You pulled out Truth-Teller from its sheath and pressed the sharp blade against his throat, the shadows having discreetly brought it to you from the spymaster’s discarded belt. “You are mine, and mine only. Nobody else gets to have you but me. Nobody gets to touch you but me. If they do, I will remove their hands and feed their body to the beasts in the woods. And if you try to touch another female in a manner I would not deem fit, it will be your body that gets fed to the creatures. Understood?”

Azriel’s hazel eyes were wide, filled with a mixture of awe, horror, and lust. It made you chuckle inwardly, how he seemed surprised that this is who you had become. You weren’t sure why he would be – he had become your new life, every fibre of your being tied to his and his alone. Azriel was unhinged and possessive to begin with, even more so now that he had you.

He was bad, but you were worse.

“Yes ma’am.” Azriel croaked out, swallowing against the cold metal of the blade.

“Good. Now you’ve made me cum, I think it’s only fair if I let you do the same, right?”

“You may do as you see fit, ma’am.”

A smile bloomed across your face. You could tell it was hard for him to say – his cock was hard as a diamond, his body begging for a release. But he chose the right answer. “Correct. You may fuck me now, any position you see fit. But you are not to cum without my permission.”

The second the shadows binding Azriel’s wrists together slipped away, his scarred hands grabbed your waist and flipped you over, pinning you underneath him. His eyes were frantic as if he worried you’d change your mind. He roughly spread your legs and you let him, relishing in the feeling of him over top of you. He lined up his cock with your entrance and slammed in.

You gasped, the air leaving your body. Azriel’s size was something you would never quite get used to. It had taken you a long time to be able to take him with no preparation, and even then it still hurt like hell for the first bit. But you learned to relish in the pain, especially when he praised you for taking him so well.

But there was no praise coming from his lips this time. Azriel fucked you relentlessly, chasing the pleasure that you had denied him earlier. His movements were frantic, a change from his usual deliberate pace. The room was filled with slapping sounds and moans. Azriel was hitting so deep inside of you that you began to feel dizzy, your eyes rolling back in your head.

Azriel had fucked you harder than anyone ever had before, but this was completely different. It took less than five minutes for Azriel to tense up, signifying he was approaching his orgasm quickly.

“You’re going to cum, aren’t you?” You teased, voice shaky with the force of his thrusts.

Azriel leaned over you, his head next to yours with one arm cradled around your head. “Yes! Please, I need it! Please let me cum.” His voice was utterly broken and fragmented.

You were silent for ten seconds, just long enough to feel the panic coming from him, making him think you were going to say no. But you brought a hand up and stroked his wing in that one spot you knew drove him crazy. “Yes. Good boy. Cum for me, Azriel.”

The spymaster erupted into a powerful orgasm the second his name finished leaving your lips. Hot seed filled your insides, making you cry out. His hips jutted against you as he came, his head tilted back exposing his throat as he moaned loudly, a single tear running down his cheek.

Azriel’s thrusts slowed as he rode out his orgasm, pumping his cum back into you as it spilled out of your hole. He panted, wings twitching as he pulled out and slumped down into the spot beside you on the bed. “Thank you, ma’am.”

You hummed, satisfied with your work. If you had told yourself months ago that you would be the one to break Azriel one night, you’d have laughed at yourself. It filled you with pride, seeing the stone cold, dominating shadowsinger become a whimpering mess all because of you.

It made everything you had done worth it.

You reached for Truth-Teller, propping yourself up beside him and putting the cold blade onto his skin, causing him to flinch and look at you in surprise. You trailed the knife down his body, circling it around where his heart was. You angled the blade, pressing the tip of it into his skin, right above the beating muscle. A thin trail of blood ran down from the cut. “This heart is mine. And if you try to give it to anyone else, I will carve it out of you myself.”

The shadowsinger was holding his breath, unmoving against your touch. You knew that he would easily be able to disarm you if he needed to, but there was still a hint of fear in his eyes.

No, he was not scared of you cutting his heart from his chest. He was scared of you running away from him.

You smirked, satisfied at his reaction. You weren’t going anywhere. You were right here with Azriel, where you belonged.

#azriel #azriel x reader #sub!azriel #sub!azriel x reader #azriel smut #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar #azriel fanfic #dark!azriel x reader #dark!azriel #acotar smut #a court of thorns and roses #dark fic #smut #dom!reader

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crazyunsexycool · 5 months

Text

Unbreakable

Chapter 6

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 3.4K

Warnings: talks about sexual assault/rape, domestic violence, gunshot wound, blood, fluff, lil bit of angst,

A/N: I love these two so much. I'm going to start doing some time jumps on this series soon so be ready for that.

Series Masterlist

“Today isn’t a good day for me. It would have been my fifth year anniversary with my ex if he hadn’t disappeared during the blip.” You share in the group. “If he hadn’t disappeared, who knows what would have happened to me. He was literally about to kill me when he turned to dust. I’m not sure why I feel so sad about it. I don’t think sad is the right word, I don’t miss him at all. My life is better now. ”

Mervin sits up and rests his head on your lap. His big eyes tracking your movements.

“I guess I’m just overwhelmed because I know what he would have done today. He would’ve beat me until I could barely move, then dragged me to bed and forced me to have sex and when he was satisfied he’d make me get up and make him something to eat. If I cried or tried to fight him, he’d just say how ungrateful I was for not appreciating that he was spending time with me. So now that he’s not here I know I don’t have to worry about it but I feel like I have to look over my shoulder today to make sure he doesn’t show up out of nowhere. I know it doesn’t make sense but I can’t shake the feeling.”

The other people in the group nod in understanding. This was the first time you’d shared in the group but the date was one of the worst you had to live through. You needed to talk about it and hoped that with time it would get easier. Lisa sat next to you and she extended a hand for you to take which you did. Giving her a grateful smile as she squeezed your hand in order to give her some comfort.

“These last few months have been interesting to say the least. I am learning self defense and it’s helped a lot. A good friend of mine recommended it.” You look at Lisa. “I've made new friends because of it too. I hadn’t had a friend in so long so it’s nice to have someone to share life’s ups and downs with. But I’m having more good days than bad days and I take that as a win.”

Your mind went straight to Steve. Although the last few weeks have felt like a little more than just a friendship blossoming between the two of you. It was all still new and you weren’t sure if you were ready for a real relationship yet but it was nice to have a deeper connection with someone.

“I guess that’s everything for me, for now at least.”

Someone else started talking but your mind was elsewhere by then. Steve had been on a mission along with Nat and Rhodey so you hadn’t heard from him in a few days. That added to your stress. Fortunately Lisa was with you so you weren’t completely alone.

Once the meeting is done you and Lisa walk out arm in arm and head toward a nearby cafe. Your phone vibrates and you grab it to check your messages.

“Oh no.” You mutter as you type.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to go Lisa, I’m so sorry to cut this short.” You respond as you begin to walk back out of the cafe. “I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

You rushed through the double doors and into the waiting room. Nat and Rhodey, who you met during one of your training sessions, were sitting side by side.

“What happened?” You asked once you got closer. “Are you guys ok?”

“We’re fine.”

“You don’t look fine Nat. Has anyone checked either of you for injuries?”

“They will in a minute. Come sit.” She pats the empty chair next to her.

While you sit beside her Marvin rests his head on her lap. His big eyes look up at her with concern until Nat starts to pet him.

“He’ll be fine.” She says after a moment. “He heals quickly, there were just a few injuries they had to patch up to help the process along.”

“Of course. What about you, Rhodey?”

“Suit took most of the damage. These are just some scratches.”

“Ok good.” You smile at him.

For the next few hours the three of you wait. You talk to a nurse to get Nat some help and walk Marvin. Then when you’re seated again you can’t help but fidget and fuss over Nat and Rhodey. Your leg bounces and you play with Marvin’s leash or pet his head. During that time Nat tells you that she was up against a few guys at the same time. Steve jumped in to help and one of them had a machine gun. Steve’s solution was to use his body as a shield and protect Nat.

“Rogers?” A surgeon calls out from a set of doors on the opposite side of the room.

You, Nat and Rhodey immediately stand up and head toward him.

“He’s out of surgery, everything is looking good. He’s heavily sedated but someone should be out to escort you up to his room. Only one person at a time for now.”

You all thank him and then you turn to the two people next to you.

“Why don’t you guys go home? You need the rest and I can stay here. I’ll text you once he’s awake and keep you updated.” You suggest.

Rhodey and Nat look at each other and silently agree.

“Ok but at the first sign of any kind of trouble you call Rhodey first. He can get here faster.” Nat says. “Also there’ll be a cop at his door, it’s just a precaution so that people don’t try and take pictures or do something while Steve is asleep.”

“Ok.” You nod. “Go get some rest, you deserve it.”

Nat gives you a quick hug and then Rhodey helps her out. She’s definitely in more pain than she lets on. A nurse walks out and calls for you to follow her up to the room Steve has been moved to.

****

You aren’t sure what time it is or how long you’ve been asleep. All you know is that something is moving against your hand. Then you remember where you are and you bolt up straight. Your glasses are crooked since you didn’t take them off before you fell asleep. In a quick motion you fix them and look at Steve to find him awake. He’s giving you a lopsided and hazy smile.

“Hey,” you say as you move to sit at the edge of the bed. One hand takes the one that was holding yours and the other moves to push the hair that fell onto his forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel s’good.”

You giggle at his slurred speech.

“You’re really hopped up on meds.”

“S’kay. It’s like before.” Steve says as he blinks slowly at you.

“Like before? You mean before the serum?”

“Mmhmm. Used to be sick all the time.”

“Well that explains so much. But you won’t be like this for long.”

“Ok.”

You take a moment to call the nurse and a few minutes later someone comes in to check up on Steve. Seeing that he’s awake they stop the meds so that his body can flush them out. It doesn’t take long, about fifteen minutes in Steve is more lucid.

“Where’s Nat?” He asks as he looks around the room.

He sees Marvin itching to get up on the bed and he pats the bed. Marvin happily jumps up and makes himself comfortable, relishing in the attention he’s getting from Steve. The two have bonded over the last few weeks, especially on the long runs they take.

“I told her to go rest. But she knows you’re ok.” You wave your phone to let him know you’re texting her. “I made sure she got checked out by someone before she left though.”

“Ok, good.”

With a sigh Steve lays his head back and closes his eyes. Although the medication is mostly out of his system he’s still feeling some of the effects. You watch him and then sit back down beside the bed, taking his hand in the process.

“Thank you for being here.” He says and you look up to find him looking at you again.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I do, you don’t have to spend your time with me, yet here you are.” He smiles at you.

“I want to spend my time with you. Besides I was worried sick when Nat messaged me. I know you did it to protect her but never ever do that again.” You try to sound stern but the worry comes through.

“I’m sorry. I’ll do my best to stay safe on these missions.”

You both sit in silence for a while. Steve’s thumb moves back and forth over your hand. Overall it’s comforting to be there with him after having missed him for the last few days. Slowly you start nodding off, it had been a very emotionally draining day for you after all.

“Why don’t you go home? You shouldn’t be here so uncomfortable because of me.”

“It’s so late.” You mumble. “I’d rather stay here, it’s safer.”

“Then get up here. I’m not having you sleep on a chair.”

Steve moves to give you some space but you end up draped over most of him. He doesn’t mind one bit and honestly neither do you. This isn’t the first time it happened, both of you sharing a bed. Hopefully it won’t be the last either. Slowly the two of you drift off to sleep. There’s no place safer than in each other’s arms.

“Sit.” You gently push Steve toward his bed at the compound.

“I’m not Marvin. You can’t just give me commands.” He chuckles as he moves towards his bed.

“You were shot multiple times, you need rest. And you’re right you’re not Marvin. He listens the first time I tell him to do something.”

“There, happy?” Steve says as he sits on the edge of the bed.

“Yes, maybe you deserve a treat.”

Steve throws his head back and laughs. “Do I get to choose?”

“I’ll think about it. Now go get comfortable.”

“You’re so bossy.”

You shrug a shoulder as you move around Steve’s room. His uniform was in your hand and you could see the bullet holes and blood. You must have been staring down at it for longer than you realized because Steve is standing in front of you and pulling the uniform out of your hands.

“Hey,” Steve sets the uniform aside and cups your face so that you’d look at him. He was surprised to see tears in your eyes. “I’m fine. I’m right here with you.”

You try to blink back the tears as you grip the front of his hoodie. It’s been a few short weeks but having Steve in your life made it better. He was a strong yet gentle presence in your life. He’d provided comfort when he didn’t have too. So to lose him would be devastating.

“When I got that message, I was so scared.” You say in a whisper, the lump in your throat making it difficult to talk. “I thought I wouldn’t see you again.”

Steve kisses the top of your head as you wrap your arms around his midsection. You cry against Steve’s chest while he reassures you that he’s not going anywhere.

“Now you really deserve a treat for dealing with my tears.” You joke as you pull away.

“I’d deal with your tears whenever you’d need me to. No treat needed.”

You smile. “Go lay down. I’m gonna check up on Nat and Rhodey.”

****

Rhodey was fine, like he said his suit took most of the damage. Nat is who you were worried about. You had a tray with some food and tea you’d seen her make before. With a soft knock you walk into the office she’d been using.

“How are you feeling today?” You ask as you set the tray down.

“Good.”

“Please don’t lie to me. The doctor said you had some cracked ribs and I know they’re painful.”

Nat looks up at you, sorrow darkens her green eyes for just a moment.

“You’re right. Everything hurts but I can’t stop working.”

You just nod in understanding.

“Well I won’t take up any of your time, unless you want to talk. Just wanted to bring you something and some pain meds.”

Nat smiles as she looks over what you’ve brought, all of her favorites.

“Thanks. How’s Rogers doing?”

“He’s fine. I’m making him rest.”

“And he’s following orders?” Nat raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I think if I cry he’d do what I ask.” You chuckle.

“He’d do what you ask no matter what.”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N, have you really not noticed his feelings for you?”

You took the empty seat across from Nat and just stared at her.

“I’ll preface this by saying Steve would absolutely never do anything you don’t want. He’s never going to push you or make you uncomfortable and he’d only be your friend if you decide you don’t ever want a relationship. But it’s safe to say he cares about you deeply. I know you’ve only known each other a few weeks but trust me when I say he’s smitten.” Nat gives you a soft smile. “I think it’s safe to say you feel the same way.”

You aren’t sure what to say. Sure there were some feelings or something there. But to have someone else point it out was eye opening. Were the two of you that oblivious?

“I d-don’t-”

“Just think about it but I think it’s a conversation you should have sooner rather than later. If you know you don’t want a relationship with him don’t string him along. Steve’s been through a lot and I don’t think he could take another heartbreak.”

“I would never do that.” You shake your head.

“I know. I also want you to know that I’d like to see you happy too. Steve’s a good man and you’re good for each other. Just think about it before you make a decision.”

You nod and get up. “I’m gonna go check up on him.”

“Ok. And thanks for this.”

“Yeah, of course.”

When you get back to Steve’s room you notice he’s asleep. Marvin lays at his side but wags his tail lazily when he sees you.

“Wanna go for a walk Marv?” You whisper.

Marvin’s head shoots up at the mention of a walk and he happily gets off Steve’s bed. With leash in hand you set to take a walk out and around the compound. You took the opportunity to call Lisa who had messaged you a few times to see if you were ok.

The phone rings a few times before she picks up.

“Hey Y/N, are you ok? You left me a bit worried yesterday.” She says.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that my friend Steve was hurt while on the job and was taken to the hospital.”

“Hhmm, and you rushed out to see him.” You can hear the teasing in her voice. “He seems pretty special if he has you running around like that.”

You fluster even though you can’t see her. But you can just see her face and the mischievous glint in her eyes.

“I imagine that you’re still in the hospital. Need me to get you anything?”

“No it’s ok, he was released this morning. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is everything ok? Are you safe?”

“Yes,” you smile at her genuine concern. It was nice to have friends that cared about your well-being. “I just need some advice.”

“Oh, ok. Well I’m all ears.”

“So for the last few weeks I’ve been thinking that there has been something happening between me and Steve.”

“Like romantic feelings are blossoming?”

“Yes and today a mutual friend told me how much he cares about me but that he would never pressure me into a relationship or anything.”

“And the question is?” Lisa asks as you continue to ramble.

“How did you know that you were ready to be in a relationship?”

“Well that’s different for everyone. For me I just knew that I felt safe with my partner. I mean I also had those butterflies whenever I saw her. I missed her when she wasn’t around and I couldn’t wait to see her again.”

“Yeah, sounds about right. I'm just not sure. What if he doesn’t like me when he sees how messed up I truly am.”

“If you’re not ready then, you’re not ready. If he really wants to be with you he’ll wait. And when you’re ready you should tell him about what happened, only if you’re ready.”

“You’re right. If he brings it up I’ll just tell him. Everything.”

“Do what’s best for you. When you’re ready for a relationship you’ll know.”

“Thanks Lisa. I’m so glad you’re in my life.”

“Right back at you, hun. Let me know how it goes.”

“I will. Bye.”

****

You get back to Steve's room just as he opens his door. He gives you a sleepy smile.

“I was wondering where my nap buddy went.”

“Just took him for a walk.” You look down at Marvin with a smile. “Were you heading out?”

“No. I was just going to get my mission report to work on it and stay in bed.”

“Oh ok. I’ll let you get to it, I should probably go home anyways.”

“Wait, don't go. We can still spend some time together. Only if you want of course.” He gives you a hopeful smile.

“Yeah, I’d like to stay.”

“Good.” Steve moves aside to let you into his room. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Once Steve leaves you walk back to the room you’ve been given at the compound to change into something more comfortable and get your book. You head back to Steve’s room and sit with your back to the headboard.

While waiting for Steve to get back you get lost in the book you’re reading so you don’t notice Steve standing in the doorway. He smiles and watches you for just a moment. You’re comfortable in his space and he never realized how much that meant to him until now. Even if he didn’t mean to, Steve can’t help but fall for you. If you asked him for the world he’d give it to you. Really he’d do anything to see the smile you give him when you look up from your book.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah.” Steve moves to his side of the bed. “Everything’s ok. What are you reading?”

You flip the book so that Steve could see the cover of your favorite book. One you reread multiple times.

“It’s my favorite.”

“I can see that it’s loved.” He says referring to how worn the spine is and the little notes on the margin.

“It is.”

You smile up at Steve before turning back to the book. Steve gets his file and starts writing out what you assume is his report. He’d put on some soft music, specifically something from the 30’s he’d recommend before.

You rest your head against Steve’s shoulder. “I really like you Steve.” Your voice was low but you knew he heard you and you couldn’t help but look up at him.

He simply turned his head and smiled down at you and placed a kiss on your forehead. Steve closed his file folder and set it on his nightstand.

“Done already?”

“No but the report can wait another day.”

“Why?”

Steve smiles again before he replies. “Because I really like you too and I’d much rather spend my time with you. I had to learn the hard way to prioritize who and what’s important to me before it’s too late. I don’t plan to make that same mistake again.”

The butterflies are there. How could they not be when Steve looks at you as if you’re hung the moon and the stars, which you’d do if he asked you too. He snakes his arm around your waist and you feel safe in his arms.

“Should we watch something off our list?” He asks as he grabs the tv remote.

“That sounds good.” You say as you place the bookmark back in its place and set the book on the nightstand.

Marvin gets up on the bed and turns in circles until he finds the perfect spot. This was a slice of heaven for you. The safe haven you’d been looking for when you’d thought hope was lost. Now your feelings for each other are out in the open. Surprisingly it puts you at ease to know your feelings were reciprocated. Whatever happens next you knew it would be a step in the right direction.

Ch. 7

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mayajadewrites · 5 months

Text

Almost - Levi Ackerman x Reader

Chapter 2 - Sushi Dreams

Summary: You and Levi hang out for the first time outside of the coffee shop.

Once you park your car in your driveway, it's 9:22. People just started their work day, school day, or day in general. You've experienced about a hundred people with several different attitudes and coffee orders, but only one mattered.

Medium black tea.

You peel off your clothes and turn your shower on, letting the warm water hit your skin. You wanted to take a nap, but the anxiety in your stomach is telling you that you will be up all day thinking about Levi.

Casual dating has been all you've been doing these days, rarely followed by genuine feelings. Levi has been a part of your day to day life for 6 months, even if it's only for 5 minutes. You've cherished those 5 minutes and have mentally begged for more.

Levi's attitude is what drew you in. He never caused any issues, his voice was stern with "fuck with me and watch what happens" attitude, which made you giggle. Your sarcasm bounces off of his so well that other people think you've been friends for years.

After your 'everything' shower (because... duh you're hanging out with Levi Ackerman) you put on a cozy outfit for the time being. A slouchy white sweater, leggings, and your favorite slippers.

You grabbed the book you purchased last week off of your dresser and sat at your chair, drifting into a whole different world through the words on the pages.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

Your phone buzzed in your lap so you jolted awake, realizing you dozed off reading your book.

3:45 PM

Shit.

Glancing at your phone, you see an unknown number has texted you.

UNKNOWN NUMBER: You took too damn long to text me. I'm assuming you fell asleep, your eyes looked tired this morning. It's Levi.

How the hell did this man find your number?

He's the CEO of Ackerman Inc. Of course he found it.

You sigh and start typing, hoping he's not currently watching your text bubbles pop in and out because you don't know what to say.

You: I'll take that as you caring and not saying I looked like shit. I'm awake now.

Levi: Good morning. What time did you want to do dinner?

Dinner? You assumed you would be doing something casual like a walk in the park or something, but dinner?

You're not sure what you expected though - this is Levi Ackerman we're talking about.

Tapping the side of your phone, you look around your room, thinking of what the hell you're gonna wear to a dinner with Levi. You needed to give yourself time to get ready because lord knows you need it.

You: 6?

Levi: Send me your address. I'll be there at 6. You better be ready.

If this was anyone else, you would've text them saying you'll meet them there and you would probably show up 15 minutes late.

But you know Levi, and you know how punctual he is.

You sent him your address and threw your phone on your bed, frantically going through the clothes in your closet. You didn't want to seem like you were trying too hard, but you also didn't want to look like you just rolled out of bed either.

After pulling together an outfit (after 10 other ones) you finally felt satisfied with what you chose. A casual black bodycon dress that hugs your curves, a black long coat, floral black stockings, and chunky knee high black boots.

Your hair is in a half-up, half-down style with your front pieces framing your face. Makeup - simple. A little black winged eyeliner, glowy skin and a nude lip with a clear gloss on top.

After all, you were going out with Levi Ackerman, you needed to look the part.

You look down at your watch - 5:55 PM

Taking one last look at yourself in the mirror, grazing your hands over your curves, you feel your phone vibrate in your purse.

Levi: I'm outside. No rush since technically I'm early.

Deep breath.

You lock up your apartment and see a black Range Rover pulled up in front of you. The passenger window rolled down slowly and you saw a peek at his jet black hair, then his stone eyes.

When his eyes met yours, you felt your heart skip a beat. His face didn't change, but your cheeks flushed pink as you walked towards his car.

Levi got out of the drivers seat and walked to your door, opening it for you. His eyes scanned your body, every inch of it. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Levi." You take his hand as you get into the car, taking in everything about this moment.

His car was in immaculate condition. It was spotless and smelled amazing. No dust or trash anywhere, and you could see a small air freshener in the vent.

"You clean up nice." Levi spoke as he got in the car, putting his seatbelt on. He put one hand on the wheel and started turning it, putting his other hand on the back of your seat.

Ugh.

"Thank you. Where are we going?"

"My favorite restaurant on this side of town. It's quiet and the food comes out fast." Levi glanced at you, making sure his eyes went right back onto the road.

"Can I know what kind of food it is? What if I'm allergic?"

"Relax. We've talked about it before. Sushi."

You smiled thinking about how Levi remembered a small detail about your day-to-day interactions with him.

As you approached the sushi spot, you realized that this is one of the more upscale sushi restaurants in town. You could never afford to eat there, but you loved the pictures people would post on Instagram of their meals.

After Levi parked, you pushed your door handle to open it.

"Not a chance." Levi pulled your door closed, only to get out of his seat, walk to your door, and open it for you. "When you're with me you don't touch doors."

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

"Mr. Ackerman, it's a pleasure to see you!" The hostess said, grabbing menus. "Oh and you brought a date!"

Levi nodded, pressing his hand to the small of your back to lead you in. "Yes. 2 please."

The hostess lead you to your table, small and secluded, just how you pictured it. Levi pulled your chair out for you and handed you a napkin.

You've never been treated like this on a date. Usually the guys you date want to either watch movies and "chill", or go to some fast food restaurant. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's the exact opposite of what you're experiencing right now.

Your eyes met Levi's, who were already on you. His eyes were half lidded (per usual) and his suit looked impeccable. Like he just got it from the dry cleaners.

"Date?" You smirk, flattening the napkin on your lap.

"We've known each other for 6 months, I think I know you enough to take you out on a date." Levi sipped his water, his eyes still on you.

"I didn't even know you saw me like that."

"Well did you think I just wanted to be your little regular?" Levi's tone changed. His eyebrow was raised but you couldn't help but stare at his lips.

"I don't know." You shrug, tapping your fingertips on your thigh. "You're not very easy to read, Levi."

"So I've been told." He nods, motioning the waiter to come over with his hand. "Can we get the classic sushi platter, please? Do you want any appetizers?" Levi looks to you, pointing at the menu.

"Um, edamame please." You close your menu, handing it to the waiter. "Thank you."

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

You and Levi could talk for hours. You never ran out of things to talk about, and frankly you wanted to learn everything there is to know about him.

"How was your day today?" Levi asked you, popping a sushi roll in his mouth.

"It was good, I read a bit then fell asleep, as you know. How was yours?"

"The same as every other day." Levi sipped his water. "Reports, meetings, presentations, nothing new."

"At least tomorrow is Friday." You finished eating the last roll on your plate, pushing it away from you. "I'm stuffed."

"What did you think?"

"It was delicious. I've always wanted to come here." You look around the restaurant, in awe of the atmosphere.

Levi paid the check and helped you put on your coat. With heels on, you're about the same height as him. You notice he picked off a piece of lint off your shoulder, smoothing it out with his palm.

Levi said his goodbyes and ushered you to his car, making sure you got in safely. The ride back to your place was quiet, but a good type of quiet. You caught Levi glancing at you one too many times for it to be a mistake.

"Thank you so much for tonight." You smile, taking your seatbelt off. Levi opened the door for you and took your hand to help you out, taking one last look at you.

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow." Levi nodded, leaning his back against his car.

You didn't know if you expected him to try and kiss you, but you definitely wanted him to.

"See you." You turn around and walk up the steps to your apartment building, Levi staring as you as you lock the door. He waited until you got into your actual apartment door before getting into the drivers seat and driving off.

Was that a date? Are we friends? Are we going to date?

So many questions swirled through your mind.

Bzzzzz.

Levi: Sweet dreams.

You held your phone to your chest, butterflies erupting from your stomach.

You: Sweet sushi dreams, Levi.

#levi #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman #levi ackerman fanfiction #attack on titan #aot #levi ackerman smut #captain levi #levi attack on titan

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daydreamgoddess14 · 8 months

Text

Aspirations pt. 6 - The Finale!

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Aspirations previous chapters: CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5

Full Masterlist

Here we go, it's the end 😥 I hope this chapter wraps everything up for you and you enjoy it. I've had an absolute ball writing this - loved every second! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, sending the sweetest messages - you guys are AMAZING! 😘

We switch it over to Carmy's POV and there is also some smut in this here chapter 🔥

I listened to a couple of songs in particular when I wrote this chapter - Hozier Take Me to Church just had me picturing Carmy worshiping Syd for like, the rest of his damn life, and Taylor Swift Dress - in particular the bridge:

There is an indentation in the shape of you

Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo

All of this silence and patience

Pining and anticipation

My hands are shaking from holding back from you

Anyway, enough talking. Fingers crossed I stuck the landing with this 9k (wtf?!) final chapter! 💜

~~~~~~~~

From the moment she stepped into his office and asked what he was doing in Chicago, he knew he was in trouble. She'd painstakingly won over every member of the crew one by one, called him out on his bullshit and helped build The Bear up from literal rubble. She'd stabbed Richie and then become one of his closest friends within the space of 6 months, she'd been a source of support for Nat, and she'd raised up Tina and Marcus in particular. In short, he had no idea how he'd gotten to this point of his life without her in his corner, but he knew now that he couldn't live without her. She was his constant, his north star, his fucking guiding light. He could acknowledge that to himself right away, but it took those final days before opening for him to realize that Syd was also pure love. Real, raw and honest. Not some dreamlike, fictional, glossed over version, but messy and sometimes very fucked up. The last thing he'd wanted to do was destroy it, so he'd taken what he'd thought was the safest path - to hold it at arm's length and protect it. Protect her.

“I thought… I thought we could get over what you said in the walk-in. I thought I could be the one to show you that you can have the things you talked about. That damn restaurant doesn’t have to run you into the ground - you can have a life as well, you know?” He didn’t say anything, looked at his hands and tried to find the words to apologize.

“The restaurant is my life, Claire. It was never fair for me to expect you to put up with that. I promise I never intended to make you second best, you deserve so much fucking more than that. But I can’t be the one to give it to you. I’ve got too much shit going on and I can’t drag you into it.”

“So you’re finally calling it?” She sighed. He nodded,

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too, Carmen. I don’t know what you think you deserve or what you're looking for… but for what it’s worth I do hope you find it. Don’t end up like Mikey.” He studied his hands, he could make out a faint crescent shape on his palm, in the soft pad under his thumb, from where Syd had gripped his hand with her own last night in the kitchen. Their kitchen. He had a faint bite mark on his shoulder as well, a small bruise. He wondered vaguely if she had similar marks.

“I’m sorry, Claire.”

He felt like a weight had been lifted. Not from breaking things off with Claire, although that was certainly the catalyst, but from the weight of expectation. He’d gone from the restaurant to take Syd home, where they’d shyly said goodbye. He’d then gone home and slept for all of three hours before deep cleaning his apartment. He was on Claire’s doorstep with coffee before 9am and in Natalie’s kitchen by 11am.

“I broke it off with Claire.” He said quietly, taking the bottle of milk and checking the temperature on the back of his hand.

“I know.”

“Did she call you already?” Satisfied with the temperature, he leaned Mikey back and put the silicone teat to his mouth.

“No honey, I just know. Sit him up a little more, it might take him a minute to settle - breastfed babies don’t always take to bottles, so sometimes he needs a little bit of encouragement. That’s it, perfect.” She guided his elbow into a more comfortable position and watched with pride as Mikey fed.

“Aren’t you going to ask why?”

“No. I want you to want to tell me.” She put her feet up next to his on the coffee table. “Y’know, it’s not the best time to learn shit - immediately after having a baby. Hormones, lack of sleep, you’re bleeding like a fucking murder victim… but they just kick you right out of that hospital and say ‘see ya later’ and you’re expected to know how to breastfeed them, how to burp them, change them, understand their every need… it’s fucked up. And no one mothers the mother, y’know?”

“You have a Pete.”

“I do have a Pete, and he is incredible. Gets right in there with the shit and the vomit.” She laughed, “It’s not Mikey’s job to teach me those things. It’s not his responsibility to be a ‘good’ baby, whatever the fuck that means. His job is just ‘baby’.”

“Where’re you going with this, Nat?”

“You don’t call me Sugar anymore.” She stated.

“No. I try not to.”

“Why?”

“I guess I don’t want you to feel put down. It’s not a nice nickname, it didn’t come from a nice place.”

“No. It was a way of belittling me. It was another way for mom to make me feel shitty about myself. And you recognizing that, Carmy? Tells me you’re on the right path. Sit him up and put your hand under his chin, now rub his back.” He did as he was told, waiting for her to continue. “I… I’ve realized a lot in the last few months. Pretty much since mom didn’t show up to Family Night?”

“Oh yeah?” Mikey let out a loud burp, making them both smile.

“I’m not responsible for her, I never was. We didn’t fail her as kids, she failed us as a mother, Carmen. She was emotionally manipulative, she didn’t always care for us properly and now as adults, we are fucked up because of her.” Carmy turned to look at Nat, expecting tears, but she looked at peace. “I have had to work really hard to unlearn some of the stuff I thought was right but really isn’t.” She turned her full body to address him properly, “Claire told me what you said when you were in the walk-in? I didn’t get it word for word, but something about not needing to give or receive amusement or enjoyment?” Mikey balled his little fists as he finished the bottle, Carmy sat him back up for another burp under Nat’s watchful eye. She nodded as he put his hand under the baby’s chin to help him.

“Yeah, I said some pretty dark shit.”

“It’s not true. You do need to receive those things - that’s what makes a life, Carmy. And just because you feel like you didn’t deserve to get those things from Claire, or want to give them to her, doesn’t mean you don’t already provide them unintentionally. You do it for everyone who works for us, our friends. For Richie, for Syd, for Mikey… I think you need to think about the difference between doing something intentionally and unintentionally. They’re not a party piece or a grand gesture. They’re supposed to be as natural as breathing. So when you buy Richie a pack of smokes cos you know he’s about to run out, when you give Tina a random night off just cos she looks a bit tired?”

“That’s just… it’s -”

“It’s love, Carmy. It’s love. And if you found it hard with Claire, if it didn’t come easily, then it’s not because you’re a disgustingly horrible human being! It’s simply because you don’t love her. You can’t force that feeling. It’ll destroy you.” He felt her eyes on him, watching him as he put the baby on his legs so he could sit up and face them both. “I love you, Carmy. You have got to stop being your own worst enemy and actually let us love you.” Mikey gurgled and held up a little fist, “or this kid is gonna kick your ass.” She teased, Mikey giggled.

“You’re right.”

“I know I am. You gonna stay for lunch?” She asked, getting up and clearing their coffee cups.

“Yeah. Yo, Nat?” She turned back to look at him, “I love you too.”

On Monday, with Nat’s words still ringing in his ear, Carmy made his way through the front of the restaurant and locked the door behind him. He could see through the window to the kitchen immediately, Syd was at one of the stations with her back to the window, swaying on the spot and… singing?

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy - no, no Chef, that’s Auntie Syd’s knife and your mama would fucking kill me if you touch it. I’ll teach you when you’re a little older - when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take - please don’t take the broccoli, you are just like your Uncle Carmy, do you know that? - Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She turned and he could see that she had Mikey in a baby carrier strapped to her chest and facing outwards, “You’re too cute. Oh! Happy smile! You like being called a cutie, huh? Well, it won’t last forever so take it while you can buddy. Although, Jesus kid, if you keep those baby blues then we’re all doomed. Trust me, I was totally fucking gone the day I stepped into this place.” He watched her wipe down where she’d been chopping vegetables and put the knife away. She moved out of sight but came back with a small cup of flour which she sprinkled onto the work surface, “there you go baby Bear, shall we draw in the flour? Shall we make a chef outta you when you're older? Just like Uncle Carmy and Uncle Mikey. That’s right! You like Uncle Carmy, huh? Me too, Chef, high five!” The baby babbled and waved his hands wildly in the flour, covering them both in fine powder, “I didn’t know Uncle Mikey, but I promise mama and Uncle Carmy will tell you all about him. Hey, Chef, we don’t put our hands in our mouth when we’re working, ok? It’s gross. For other people, I mean.” She pulled a towel from her apron and wiped his hands and mouth. Her voice dropped a little and she spoke so quietly he couldn’t hear her for a few minutes, but he stayed near the door, watching her brush flour out of Mikey’s curls and clearing up their mess. “... and when you’re 16 you can come and work here with me and Uncle Carmy and we’ll teach you everything. You’ll get so good when he teaches you. And then when you’re bigger you can go with Marcus to wherever Luca is and learn pastry.” He cried out a little, “I know, I know. I feel the same about pastry, Chef, but you gotta learn the whole thing if you’re gonna be as good as Uncle Carm, right? Shall we get you one of those bullshit fuckin’ stars? Yeah? Baby Berzatto, the youngest Michelin star holder in the whole fuckin’ world?” She twirled on the spot as he giggled. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he watched her moving around the kitchen, getting ingredients out and putting them in the correct sections, checking off the list on what needed to be done and when. So busy, and yet taking time with his nephew with such care and love. He was blown away initially, but instantly remembered what he’d said to her under the table at Family night,

“You love taking care of people.” He pushed through the swing door and she looked up with a smile,

“Hey Mikey, look! Uncle Carm’s here.” She said brightly, ignoring his statement. Mikey kicked his legs in free air from his carrier and waved his chubby arms around. “Is it me or does he, like, age so much so quickly?”

“He rolled over yesterday,” Carmy told her with a smile,

“Fuck off, no way?!”

“For real. And uhh, I think I just unlocked a new favorite kitchen memory.” She looked up sharply, a shy smile breaking out across her face.

“Hmm. Well at least this one is family friendly.” She retorted.

“Ahh yeah. Think I’ll keep the other one quiet. Where’s Nat?”

“Just running a couple of errands. I said I’d watch Mikey so she could get them done quicker. I was here early.”

“Trouble sleeping?”

“Something like that.”

“Heard. Can we talk later?”

“Sure. We’ll find some time.”

“Ok, good. Can I take him, is that ok?”

“God, please do, he’s heavy!” She put a hand on Mikey’s belly and unclipped one of the straps so that Carmy could lift him up and out of the carrier, then she unclipped the whole thing and went to hang it up in the office.

“So you’re gonna coach him to a star, huh?”

“How much did you hear?” She asked warily. He waved a hand, brushing off her embarrassment,

“Just the star.”

“Good. I’m taking advantage of being able to talk shit about you while he doesn’t understand.” She teased. He didn’t call her out on the lie. Nat came back and the others started to arrive. Mikey was happily passed around various sections all morning while Nat worked. Carmy took him through to the office just as she was packing her bag,

“Ready to take him back?”

“For sure, I’ve missed him! Hi sweetheart - have you had fun with your kitchen family out there?!” She cooed. “You ok, how’re you feeling today?” She asked Carmy.

“Yeah, I’m good. Been thinking about everything you said yesterday. I’m gonna just… soak this in a little, I guess?” He gestured out to the kitchen where there was happy chatter. Tina was telling a dirty joke, and as the punchline landed, he heard Syd and Richie’s roars of laughter.

“I think that’s a very good idea. Be with the ones you love, Carm and for fucksake let us love you back.”

“Yes, Chef.” He smiled.

“It’s not a cure to being a better person, but it’s a start.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m… I’m really… it’s good to get back to this, right?” He pointed between them both,

“Getting along? Yeah, Carm. It’s good.” She put the baby into the carseat and stood to hug him tightly. “I love you.” She whispered.

“It’s fucking freezing out here.” Syd complained, he could see her pulling her jacket tighter around her, trying to shrink into it further. Underneath, she’d pulled on his sweater - yet again - and Richie’s gloves which were miles too big for her hands.

“Next time, I’ll find somewhere warm for us to talk?” He teased,

“That’d be ideal, thanks. So what’s up?”

“Just thought we should… y’know, check in?”

“After Saturday night?”

“Yeah. You ok?”

“Well, it’s a little weird. And totally fucked up. But I don’t want to go back to barely speaking to you. Like, I’ll put up with this insane awkwardness just so I don’t have to avoid you.”

“I hated when you avoided me.”

“Me too.” She said, studying the broken glass shards mingling with the concrete on the ground.

“I broke up with Claire.” She didn’t look up, but he saw her eyes widen a little.

“Oh. How’d it go?”

“About as well as you’d expect.”

“Yeah.” She breathed, puffs of air visible. They fell silent again.

“And I had a really good talk with Nat. About, like, fuckin’ parental trauma and all that shit and how it effects us as we get older? It’s fucked up.”

“It is. I’ve talked to her about it before as well.” He looked up, surprised, “You weren’t talking to her. Not really. Or not listening, at least. She just wanted to feel heard.” He nodded,

“I just… I want you to know that I want to be a better person. I know I’ve said it a million fucking times, I was always trying to do it for someone else though? I thought I should be doing it for you or Nat, but I should be doing it for myself.”

“You can’t be better for us if you’re not doing it for yourself. My dad’s sister always said you can’t pour from an empty cup.” She mused.

“How do you do it?” He asked, curiously.

“I listen to my heart. Figure out what it needs. I watch movies with my dad, I laugh with my friends in there,” she pointed into the restaurant, “I cook for them. I cook for you or Nat or my dad. I hang out with Mikey. I watch you cook. I let my family look after me and love me when I need it. Like you said, I love taking care of people, but it’s nice to have it returned.”

“You’re too fuckin’ smart for this place.”

“Fuck off,” she pushed his shoulder,

"You watch me cook?"

"Yeah, I do. It's… therapeutic. Oh, and if you think that just because you broke up with Claire I’m gonna jump -”

“I would never expect that. Never. Let’s just… get back to where we were and then see what happens?” He suggested, taking her hand. She nodded,

“Great idea, Chef.” He kissed her palm and listened to Tina singing from the kitchen.

Carmy could tell Richie was about to hit the roof. He bounced on his heels and fidgeted for the last hour of service but everytime someone asked, he’d give them the brush off.

“Chef, could you tell Richie to take a step back please?” Syd sighed, rolling her eyes at Richie who was standing so closely behind her she could hardly use her knife. Carmy laughed,

“C’mon cousin, back it up. Whatever it is, why don’t you just tell us?”

“Can’t, we need to wait til we’re closed.”

“Well then get the fuck outta our kitchen and encourage people to finish up?” Carmy smiled at Syd’s use of our kitchen.

“Fine, fine but you guys wait. You just fuckin’ wait.”

“Can I have another 3 duck and 2 sirloin please?”

“Yes, Chef.” The crew chimed back to him. Tina brought the plum sauce over for him to try,

“Needs something, Syd, check this?” He handed her a spoon,

“Half a teaspoon of the winter spice mix.”

“Exactly. Thank you. Tina, you ok with that, Chef?”

“Sure thing Jeff.”

“Let it incorporate for another five minutes, we’ve got time.”

“Make it eight minutes, Chef? My dauphinoise are fucked.” Syd asked, shooting her potatoes a look of disdain.

“Heard Chef. Eight minutes, Chefs.” He looked over at Syd, “Yo, you good?”

“Yeah, too much garlic.”

“No such thing!” At least three people replied, including Carmy.

“I’ll save it for you then, Chef.” She smiled at him over the pass. Richie bounced back and forth with plates and information until he was finally able to lock the front door. He burst back into the kitchen as Syd and Carmy were sharing the extra garlicky dauphinoise.

“Here we go.” Carmy murmured, receiving an elbow to the ribs.

“What you got for us Richie?” She asked, pointedly ignoring Carmy.

“Would you like to hear a review?”

“From?”

“A Mrs Beata Jerimovich, my wonderful grandmother -” Carmy threw a towel at his head,

“Fuckin’ dipshit.”

“Kidding, kidding. It’s only the motherfuckin’ Food and Beverage Magazine!” There were whoops and cheers all round, but next to him, he felt Syd tremble. He discreetly brushed her little finger with his own and heard her sigh softly. “Ahem!” Richie cleared his throat, “The Bear, Chicago…” he held them in suspense, Marcus beat a drumroll on the counter while Tina bellowed at Richie,

“Richie, fuckin’ tell us, pendejo!”

“Five. Fuckin’. Stars. Chefs!” They were euphoric. Manny and Angel banged pots together, Tina wrapped her arms around Syd and Richie hugged Carmy. As soon as he saw Tina let go of her, he first reached out for the shorter woman who patted his cheek, and then for Syd. He counted down from 10 in his head so as not to hold onto her for too long. He made every second count. His senses clambered to be reminded of the softness of her skin, the fullness of her lips, how perfectly her body fit against his. He felt rather than heard the faintest moan drag from her body as his lips grazed her earlobe, and then he reluctantly let her go. “If you’ll allow me to read some of it to you, Chefs?” Carmy leaned back on the counter and felt Syd do the same next to him, innocently close to those around them but the smallest amount closer than she had been standing before. He let his arm rest against hers and let their knees knock gently together as Richie spoke. “I had the wonderful experience of dining at The Bear around a month ago, during the first week of their festive menu. It was a Saturday night and they had been fully booked for months… Hey, wasn’t that the weekend of bad dates? Fish guy is still salty that he can’t get a date around here anymore.” Carmy locked eyes with Syd, she bit her lip to hide her small smile.

“Good, I’m sure he’s working on a wonderful relationship with his right hand.” She pointed out to sniggers.

“Hey, I object to that.”

“Gross Richie, carry on please?”

“Ok, ok. I tried the spiced pumpkin soup with plaice, the scallop ceviche, the duck in plum sauce and blah blah blah, those are the new dishes, looks like they tried everything though, man. Ok, here we go, here we go - the food was nothing short of miraculous. Every element and ingredient held its own, the service was personal and impeccable, the atmosphere was joyous.” He paused for long enough for the squeals of delight to die down, struggling to be heard, “Exec Chef, Carmen Berzatto - formerly of Noma and The French Laundry - and his partner, CDC Sydney Adamu, have created close to perfection. Whatever their secret is, may they hold onto it. I am already booked back for another visit, my only disappointment is that I have to wait 6 months for it! If they aren’t already looking at this spectacular place for recognition in March, the Michelin guide needs to get it on their list very quickly. A star certainly cannot be too far out of reach.” Richie’s voice quivered with emotion, “It goes on and on… that’s us, man. This is talkin’ about us.” He said, holding the magazine aloft. “I fuckin’ love you guys.” Syd pushed herself off the counter and into his arms. He leaned down to rest his forehead against hers, “you did that, Chef. You fuckin’ did that.” He said to her, “fuckin’ love you Syd.” There was another mass movement of people clinging to each other. Carmy noticed Syd slip into the walk-in once Richie had let her go. He got caught up with Ebra and Marcus before he could get there,

“You good, Chef?” She was leaning against the back wall with her head in her hands, she nodded without moving them, “in front.” He whispered once he was standing directly in front of her, not wanting to startle her. She threw her arms around his neck, he could feel her tears in the neckline of his jacket and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“Thank you.” She said, her warm breath against his collar. He laughed,

“No, this is all you, baby. All you.” She pulled away from him, allowing him space which he used to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “C’mon, Tina’s looking for you.” He told her, knowing there were too many eyes outside for them to be alone. She went for the door handle but it was pulled from her reach and Richie joined them,

“I’m only in here so that when you both leave, it doesn’t look like you’ve been makin’ out in here, ok?”

“Richie, I came in here so I didn’t cry in front of everyone.” Syd told him, giving him a gentle shove.

“Seriously? Fuck me, I wish I’d been right first time. Syd, honey, I bawled my eyes out - they’re all cryin’ out there. No one cares!”

“Fuck, I’m not tellin’ em when we get Syd’s star. That’s on you, cuz.” Carmy pointed to Richie.

“Can we stop talking about stars? And stop calling it mine? I’m gonna hurl.”

“No, no hurling, we’re goin’ out. Tina wants shots and karaoke.”

“Oh fuck no. No shots.” Syd pushed between them to get out of the walk-in.

“It’s a yes to karaoke though, right?” Richie called out, following her. Clean down had never been so fast or willingly taken on, Manny turned up the radio and the atmosphere was electric. Anyone crossing the room was hindered by hugs along the way and no one seemed to want to let go of each other. Carmy looked out at the crew and for what felt like the first time in forever, didn’t mask his smile or hide his emotions. The door to the office was partially closed and he couldn’t see Syd so he knocked softly. He heard his sister’s voice via Facetime.

“I swear to god Syd, this is so exciting! Michelin are gonna come knocking. I can tell. They might have already been!”

“I hope they didn’t come before November, it’s gonna be that plum sauce that clinches it.” She smiled at Carmy as he came in and joined her on the screen,

“Carmy! I’m so proud, I wish I could be there to celebrate with you all.”

“It’s just a review, Nat.”

“But it’s an incredible review, and that magazine is, like, insane! It’s a precursor to more, trust me.” He stood close to Syd, leaning down over her shoulder so they could both fit into the video call, his cheek almost pressed against hers. "This right here,” she held up Mikey, “100% of The Bear right in this call! Ok, you guys go have fun. I am so ridiculously proud of you both and I love you both so much.”

“Love you sis, see you later.” Syd smiled, Nat’s eyebrows raised a little as Carmy turned to look at her.

“Bye guys.” She hung up the call with a smile.

“Sorry, I just thought she’d want to know and I knew they’d never let you escape. I’m amazed Tina has let you go.”

“Yeah, me too. She’s stronger than she looks.”

“Right?! It’s crazy! Are we done out there?” She stood from the desk,

“Yeah, we’re heading out now.”

“Ok, I’m on my way then.” She cocked her head towards the door, “C’mon. I suspect the first round is gonna be on us.”

“Did you just call Nat, sis?”

“Yeah,” she shook her head, “never underestimate the strength of female friendships, Carm.” She told him sagely, leaving him alone in the office.

The bar was hot and crowded, standard for a Saturday night. The karaoke was predictably awful, and Richie was wandering between the three booths they'd managed to grab trying to get people to sign up and sing. Carmy was grateful for the spare jeans and t-shirt he kept in his locker, and it turned out nearly everyone else kept some kind of 'to go' bag either at work or with them, ready for those magical evenings where they finished early, had a date after work or got 5 star reviews in one of the biggest hospitality industry magazines in the world. He was pinned into his booth by Ebra on one side and Neil on the other, both talking over the table to each other and leaving him stuck. Tina was talking Marcus into a duet and it looked like Gary, Manny and Angel were playing some obscure drinking game. Richie had an arm slung over Syd’s shoulder and pointed to the stage with his beer. The combination of humor and terror on her face as she tried to decline his offer of a song was currently making his night. He watched her pinch Richie's stomach and move out of his grip, laughing at him as she hopped into the seat next to Neil to get away.

"Whatcha singin', CDC Sydney?" Fak asked.

"I'm not Fak, but Rich is desperate for a partner on Cruel Summer if you think you can handle it?"

"I can do that!" He exclaimed, "Syd, I can nail that bridge, I fuckin' hand to God… I'm gonna do it!" She moved to let him out and raised her beer to Richie in support of his new karaoke partner. He was about to take advantage of Syd sitting next to him when Ebra pulled him into a far-fetched story he'd probably heard a million times before. He stuck around long enough to listen to Tina and Marcus and Richie and Fak before leaving enough cash for another round and saying his goodbyes. He sat in the car for 10 minutes, phone in his hand, weighing up the pros and cons of texting Syd. He decided against it and put the car into gear, before a tap at the passenger side window stopped him.

"You ok? I thought you left ages ago?" Syd asked with concern.

"Uhh yeah, I was uhh… y’know what, jump in." She did and immediately put her hands to the air vents already pushing warm air through the car.

"So, you were what?"

"Trying to decide whether to send you a message and see if you want to cook tomorrow."

"I'd love to," she nodded, "at the restaurant?"

"Or my place? You could always…"

"Take the couch?"

"Yeah. Or I could." She glanced down at her phone, seemingly weighing up her own pros and cons.

"OK, let's go." He made his way through the dark streets, finding a space a few meters from the main door of his building. He led the way up and unlocked the door, letting her in first so he could lock up behind her.

"You sure you wanna stay?"

"I'm sure. Yo, it looks great in here, Carm?"

"Thanks. I thought I should start making it feel a bit more like home, y'know? Cleared up, no more denim in the oven,"

"For real?" She asked, opening the door to check, "Fuck me, Carmy that's… that's good." He felt the blush bloom in his cheeks. Since he'd decided to deep clean the place over a month ago, the night before he ended things with Claire, he'd slowly been emptying boxes, hanging pictures and sorting through his cookbooks. "Dude, is that a fucking plant?" She asked, looking to the kitchen window.

"It's been alive for a whole month." Not just alive, it had been half dead when he'd brought it, so he'd actually brought it back from the brink.

"A better man, huh?'

"Trying." He offered with a shy shrug. "Beer?"

"Please. Netflix?" She asked, loading up the cooking shows,

"Yeah, there's one I haven't seen yet, Nadiya?"

"Oh, she's so great! You'll love it." She put the first episode on and clinked bottles with him as he sat next to her. "I need to watch Salt Fat Acid Heat." She muttered, he watched her add the note to her phone before crossing her legs and focusing on the screen. It didn't take long before he was reaching out for his sketchpad and looking around for a pen. She pulled one from the knot of her bun and handed it over without looking.

"Rhubarb glaze." He stated. She moved to kneel next to him so she could look at his drawing. Her hand came to rest on his shoulder to keep herself from falling forwards.

"In the spring? Change up the duck dish and serve it with something super fresh?"

"Like a slaw." He suggested, she nodded slowly,

"Like a slaw." She didn't look away from the sketch, "Fuck. You really are so fucking good at this Carm." She said, barely above a whisper.

"You make me better at it." He countered. She absentmindedly rubbed the cotton of his t-shirt between her thumb and index finger. He hesitated before reaching out to cup her cheek and turn her face towards his. She leaned into his palm. He watched her eyes close, a trembling breath on her lips as he leaned in to kiss her briefly. Her hand on his shoulder gave her some leverage to turn and straddle his lap. She stayed further back though, not bringing their bodies flush. She sat back on his knees,

"I don't want to do this if -"

"You're not ready?" He finished.

"Me? I meant you. You've been doing so much better this last month. I don't want to fuck that up for you?"

"You couldn't."

"So you… we could…?"

"We could just take things easy and see what happens? Have some,"

"Fun? We could both stand to have some fun."

"Exactly. No pressure." His hands rested lightly on the top of her thighs.

"No pressure." She repeated, sliding deeper into his lap until their chests were pressed together. He waited for her nod of agreement before kissing her again. She hummed with approval, her head tilting to slot against him perfectly. His tongue swept across her lower lip, demanding access which she willingly gave. His hands moved to squeeze her hips, and she let out a needy whimper he knew he’d spend the rest of the night trying to get from her again. He bit her lip lightly as she ground down against him. “Bed this time.” She mumbled against his neck, “please Carmy, now.” He could feel the reluctance radiate off her as she considered letting go of him long enough to stand so they could move. He stood quickly with her in his arms, making her squeal in surprise. They made it the handful of steps to his bedroom where he sat her on the edge of the bed and knelt between her knees. She was bathed in the streetlight from the window, but it wasn’t enough so he clicked on a small faint lamp at the bedside. He tugged the hem of her top up over her head and she lay back to unbutton her jeans and lift her hips to slide them off, he brushed her hands away and pulled the tight denim down her legs. He rose to climb over her on the bed and she moved further back into the center, reaching for his t-shirt. He unclipped her bra and pulled it off before covering her body with his own pressing kisses along her collarbone. He could feel her heart racing against his chest as he chased each breathy moan that fell from her lips. He kissed a hot path down her body, cataloging every noise she made. He took his time, savoring the way she responded to his touch,

“You’re so beautiful,” he marveled, grateful at last to have her where he could actually see her. He paused with his chin on her stomach to look up at her. She’d covered her face with one hand, suddenly bashful. He reached out to link their fingers, gently encouraging her to look at him, “this ok?” He felt her body shudder as her breath hitched, she nodded. “Need to hear you say it, baby.”

“Fuck you,” she huffed out a tiny laugh, “please, I want this. I want you.”

“I need to taste you, Syd, please?” He hooked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear and slid them down her thighs. He nudged her knees further apart and looked back up at her, holding eye contact as he swept his tongue into her folds and circled her clit. Her back arched off the bed and he used his free hand to hold her still. It was akin to worship, every touch designed to bring her closer to the edge. He’d spent years learning the art of consistency and this was no different, he filed away every sigh, every grip of the sheets and every moan of his name. She practically wailed his name as she came, and he watched her come down, boneless from her first orgasm. He let her think he was done before he went back for more. By the time she was pulling him back up the bed to her, the need to have his skin against hers was sinful.

“Jesus fuck, Carmy,” she panted, reaching out to kiss him. He was painfully hard and he knew she could feel him against her. She tried to undo his jeans with shaking hands, giving up with a frustrated groan. He took over and pushed the denim off, giving her the opportunity to push him onto his back. “Condom?” She whispered, still breathless. She reached past him to the drawers by his bedside to grab one as he bit the underside of her breast. He took the condom from her and ripped it open, rolled her onto her back once more and pushed into her in long, slow strokes, his whole body weighted against hers. The closeness was both intense and intimate, and when he kissed her it felt so much like a promise it was almost overwhelming. He held her tightly, pressing her into the mattress as he fucked into her deliriously slowly, lewd noises filling the air. Her legs wrapped around him, holding him against her. He felt her walls flutter around him, she sighed his name as she came again,

“F-fuck, Syd,” he rasped, shuddering against her as he came. He moved just far enough off her so that he didn’t crush her as his arms gave out, his chest heaving.

“Oof,” she huffed as his weight pinned her to the bed. She ran her fingers through his hair and down his back as far as she could reach before gliding back up again.

“Fuck, that was… wow.” His breath tickled her neck as he spoke,

“Yeah.”

“Should move.”

“Yeah, no, I can’t do that.” He mumbled an apology and moved off her completely, tying off the condom and throwing it to the bathroom. He pulled her to him as he got back into bed, asleep almost instantly.

He woke alone to the light streaming in from the windows, noting that their discarded clothes had been picked up and a damp towel hanging over the bathroom door. He pulled on boxers and a clean t-shirt and went through to find their beer bottles disposed of and the TV off. He vaguely recalled waking briefly in the night to the quiet sounds of a cooking show, but he’d been so warm and relaxed that he didn’t think to move and turn it off. Not that he’d have been able to with Syd buried into his side. He followed the sounds in the kitchen where she had her back to him, looking after whatever she was cooking.

“Hey, mornin’” He said, voice still heavy with sleep. She turned with a shy smile, wearing his t-shirt from the previous night and little else.

“Hi, did I wake you?”

“No, no way. You making breakfast?”

“Thought I’d bring it to you in bed, but -”

“I can go back,” he joked. She turned back to the pan and cracked four eggs into it. He moved to stand behind her, hands on her hips and his head in the crook of her neck. “Shakshuka?”

“Yeah. Imagine my surprise when I opened your fridge to find it fully stocked.” She laughed.

“Told ya, I’m trying.”

“I legit spent twenty minutes trying to decide what to make you.” She turned down the heat on the pan and twisted in his arms. “Did you sleep ok?”

“Yeah, I think I might have figured out the secret.”

“To sleep?” He nodded, kissing along her jawline.

“You.”

“Pfft, shut the fuck up.” He pulled them backwards so he could sit at one of the dining chairs, bringing her down into his lap with her legs either side of his. “Hmm don’t get any ideas, I don’t think this chair will survive.” It creaked under them as if in response as she squirmed in his lap.

“How long on breakfast?” He asked pulling the t-shirt over her head,

“Long enough.” She confirmed, reaching out to turn the stovetop off completely.

“Baby, you look all flushed, you good?” He heard Tina ask Syd as she finished off the canapes.

“Yeah T, just warm.”

“You look beautiful, don’t get anything down your dress!” She warned, Syd had tugged an apron over her dress but had left it untied. As she moved along the counter piping blinis with sour cream, the thigh split opened further. He turned away as Tina looked at him with a curious eye,

“I’m gonna unlock, Chef?” He asked,

“Ok, sure. I think we’re good.” She turned to the servers with a nod and took the apron off, throwing the piping bag into the sink.

“Let’s party!” Tina beamed, leaving Syd to turn off the lights and join her in the restaurant.

Syd’s dad took another canape as the tray passed by them, Carmy shook his head as the server offered the tray to him as well.

“These are incredible.” Her dad beamed,

“Aren’t they? She was working on them until about a minute before we opened the doors.”

“Sounds like Sydney.” He chuckled, “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you on Family night. It was a very special night.”

“Yes Sir, it was. I had some things to take care of in the kitchen though, so I didn’t spend any time out here. I'm sorry I missed you, it's good to meet you at last.”

“I guess that’s the trouble when you’re the one in charge, you don’t get to enjoy the spoils.”

“Fortunately I’ve got everything I need back there.” Carmy replied with a smile. They both watched Syd in a beautiful one-shoulder copper coloured dress as she crossed the room to speak to Tina’s family. She studiously avoided eye contact with either of them and instead got swept up with talking to Tina’s elderly mother. She dropped down onto her haunches to bring herself below eye level to the woman, and held her hands. He took in her taut calf muscles in her heels and the curve of her thigh as the dress pulled tightly. He was flooded with the memory of taking it off her earlier in the evening as she was trying to get ready, her hands swatting him away before pulling him back in. The reason they were late and the reason she was still in the kitchen as they opened.

“She’s really something. I wish her mama could have seen her.”

“She is. You must be very proud.”

“I am. I hope you’re good to her?”

“I’m sorry?”

“She tells me she’s staying with friends two, three - sometimes even four nights a week. You and I both know that her closest friends are in this room right now, and I don’t think she’s singing lullabies to your nephew four nights a week.” He chuckled as the blush crept across Carmy’s face. “I may be an old man, but I’m not blind.” He put a hand on Carmy’s arm, “thank you for believing in her.”

Her laugh sounded around the room as she pushed back up to standing and turned to talk to Pete who’d lightly tapped her arm. She nodded at whatever he’d said and made her way back past them towards the kitchen. Her dad managed to catch her hand just before she stepped out of reach,

“Honey, Carmen and I were just talking about everything you’ve both achieved here. It’s tremendous.”

“Thanks Dad, I’ve just got to see Richie about something. Can I come back to you in a few minutes?”

“Take your time sweetheart. I’ll be right here.” He smiled, Marcus coming over to talk. Carmy managed to catch her eye briefly with a small smile. She made her way to Richie who was holding court near the center of the room. Christmas songs filled the air and he was once again forced to admit that Nat had been right - a less formal Christmas party for family and friends had been the right way to go. She took Richie’s arm, but he grabbed her hand instead and spun her around, twirling her under his arm and pulling her into some empty space to dance. She tried to pull away, laughing, but let him spin her a couple of times and dip her before she could escape. With Syd’s dad in deep discussion with Marcus, Carmy went through to the kitchen to check what was left in the walk-in. The heavy door swung partially closed behind him and he heard the tap of Syd’s heels as she came through the swing doors not far behind him. He went to call out to her, but Nat’s voice spoke up.

“You can’t escape out here, Syd!” “I just need a minute, my feet are killing me. C’mon, gimme a break.” He could almost hear rather than see Nat roll her eyes.

“Fine, you can hold Mikey while I go to the bathroom before I feed him." Nat rushed past the walk-in to the staff bathroom.

“What’s the time baby Bear? How long til I can be in Uncle Carm’s bed again, huh?” She muttered, bouncing the increasingly hungry baby. “Are you ready for bed too? Party animal.”

“I thought about a sitter but then I figured, it’s family night?” Nat said, coming back in and taking Mikey. “Oh, he should be here for sure.”

“You ok?” He heard Nat ask, softly. "You've barely stopped all night?" He could hear her settle Mikey and the baby fell silent.

“Yeah. If I tell you something can you promise not to lose your shit?”

“I can try?”

“So Carmy and I have been… hanging out. And it’s good, and I don’t want to push him too fast too soon on anything,”

“Wait, hanging out somewhere other than here?”

“Yeah. Like, his apartment… specifically.” Syd wrung her hand together, presumably waiting for Nat to catch up.

“Ok, so what’s new about that? Oh. Oh! Fuck! You guys are hanging out hanging out?”

“There we go. Yep, that’s what’s been happening.”

“Since when?!”

“About a month ago? Not long. Long enough?”

“So what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t one, I guess? I just… What if it all goes horribly wrong? What if this ruins everything? For all of us, I mean. It could ruin both of our careers, could kill this place? Everyone I love is in that room -” she paused, “I don’t want to push him, but I also kind of want to know how he sees all of this… ending up?”

“Syd, relax. I guarantee if you look into that room right now, he’ll be the happiest you’ve ever seen him,” Carmy frowned, hoping they didn’t actually look for him, “that’s because of this place. Because of you, honey.”

“I guess…”

“I know. The good thing about doing this together, is that you’re in this together. Don’t stress, whatever happens happens. I mean, look at you! You’re the CDC of one of the hottest new restaurants, it’s your Christmas party and yet you’re in the kitchen in your dress and heels making sure everything is as it should be. There is nothing at all that you can’t do. You’re nothing short of incredible, you’re a force of nature Syd. If I had to bet on one thing, it’s that you have Carmen’s complete support in everything you do. I fucking love you.” He heard the shuffle of fabric, and from Syd’s muffled response, assumed they were hugging.

“Thank you, I love you too. Maybe you’re right.”

“I keep telling you both this, I’m always right. Now please, let’s go drink some more champagne and have some fun. You’re not wasting that dress in this kitchen. Jesus, I can't believe I didn't realise you're fucking my brother!” He heard the door swing and sighed, leaving the walk-in to go out back for a smoke.

“Cousin, yo, what’s goin’ on - you comin’ back in?” Richie stuck his head out a few minutes later, breaking the silence.

“Yeah man, I just needed to burn one.” He held one out for Richie who came to join him and let the door shut. “It’s goin’ ok, right?”

“Carm, it’s fuckin’ amazing. I am legit so fuckin’ proud of this place and everyone in it. You an’ Syd, man, you guys have made this place.”

“S’good you two get on now.”

“Aww she’s pretty great. Don’t fuckin’ tell her I told you.” He warned,

“I think she knows, dude. If it makes you feel any better, she was tellin’ me this morning that the nights you do expo are her favorite.”

“Fuckin’ knew it!” He laughed, then paused suddenly, “Wait, how’d you see her this morning?” Carmy felt Richie’s eyes scouring his face, widening in shock “No fuckin’ way, cuz!”

“I meant last night. Here. At work.”

“Bull fuckin’ shit. How long?”

“About a month. The night we got that review?”

“I mean, I thought you guys were eye fuckin’ over the pass, like, a little more than normal… but I did not expect that. Fuck, I owe Fak 20 bucks.”

“Great, thanks.”

“Hey man, don’t be mad at me. Are you… I dunno, are you happy?”

“I think I might be, yeah. Feels fuckin’ weird.”

“I bet. And Syd? She good?”

“I think she’s happy, yeah.”

“You in love or what?”

“I think I might be, cuz. I just… how do I know if I'm ready? Like, what if we fuck this place up?”

“No one is every fuckin’ ready, man. Never. And what if you make this place even better?” Carmy let the thought sink in, “Like, separately you’re both freaky fuckin’ geniuses and together it’s, like, even better. I know you’ve been on that ‘self care bein’ better for yourself’ kick cos you feel like you don’t deserve her,” Carmy sighed, “but you complete each other, cuz. There’s no other fuckin’ way to say it.”

“Fuck me, Richie, you should get a fuckin’ talk show.”

“Fuck you. I’m bein’ nice to you for once in your damn life.”

“I know, I’m still in shock.” They nudged each other. “I should tell her, right?”

“Yeah man, you should tell her.”

“Thanks cousin. Hey, don't say anything to her, yeah? That you know? She’s really stressed and I don’t want to make it fuckin’ worse.”

“Nah man, my lips are sealed. Love you dude, we’re gonna build a fuckin’ empire here.” Richie grasped his shoulder and joined their foreheads.

“Heard, Chef. Let it fuckin’ rip.”

“Anything for you, cuz.”

Though Carmy was right behind Richie going back into the party, he wasn’t quick enough. He entered through the swing door just in time to see Richie smile graciously at Syd and her dad before taking her elbow and pulling her to one side. He leaned down to talk in her ear. Carmy saw the way her eyebrows flew up to her hairline and the panic that crossed her face as she tried to pull away from him. She caught his eye briefly as Richie leaned down again and continued to talk, as he did so, she visibly started to relax.

“Your CDC is something fierce Carmy.” Uncle Jimmy said, handing him a beer. Carmy laughed,

“Yeah, she is pretty great.” They watched as Richie was joined by Nat and the baby, with Pete hovering beside them, Syd took the baby and held him to her like a human shield as they laughed together.

“I gave baby Mikey my 1% for a reason, you know?”

“Oh yeah?”

“This place, it’s 100% Berzatto. It has to be, Carmy.”

“Syd’s not a Berzatto, Unc,” Carmy raised his beer to his lips,

"Well yeah, not right now. But she will be. I could tell when you all came creeping for $500k. She matches your ethics, your outlook. She's your equal. I mean, look at her," They watch her with the family, with Richie and the team, with Nat and the baby, even with Pete. “She’s already a Berzatto. You might want to rescue her before they scare the shit outta her though?”

“Nah, she’s got it. She’s fuckin’ fearless. That’s why I love her,” he shrugged. Jimmy beamed, clapping him on the back,

“He’d be so proud of this, Carmen. He really would.”

“Thanks Uncle Jimmy.” He picked up a glass of wine from one of the trays and took it over to Syd who swapped him for the baby. “Can we try and get out of here for a sec?” He asked quietly. She nodded once and he passed Mikey to Pete. He followed her to the kitchen. Their kitchen.

“So Richie knows?” She sighed,

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Nat knows as well,” she admitted, “I told her earlier.”

“Your dad too.” He said with a sheepish grin,

“Oh my god.” She muttered, “how?!”

“I guess we’re shitty at hiding it? I know we said about just taking it easy and no pressure but,” he caught the frown that crossed her face,

“Fuck. I knew it, I knew it. This is why I said we had to stop, and now everyone fucking knows and it’s all gonna -” she stepped away from him

“No, Syd, fuck you’re so fuckin’ impatient. Would you just,” he took her hand, “would you let me finish? Please?” He sighed, dragging a hand through his curls. “I would go to the fuckin’ ends of the earth for you if that’s what you wanted. I don’t care about easy, or too much fuckin’ pressure, I only want you, and I want to be by your side when you take over the world and get three bullshit fucking stars - not just one. I can’t do this without you and I don’t want to, and I know I said that before but it was because I was too much of a fuckin’ coward to tell you that I’ve been in love with you since the day you walked in here.” She stared at him. Didn't say a word, just stared. "Syd?"

"Are you sure?" She asked eventually, still wary. He closed the gap between them again and took her hand.

"Am I… am I sure?" He laughed, "Yeah sweetheart, I'm fuckin' certain. And I will spend every day proving it to you if you'll let me?"

"I think I could live with that." She said softly.

"Yeah?" His hands slipped around her waist, drawing her closer.

"Yeah. The most excellent chef, occasionally a piece of shit," she teased.

"Only occasionally now? I'll take that," he smirked.

"Occasionally a piece of shit, rarely a total dickbag, thankfully," she assured him. "the best former CDC, now Exec Chef I've ever seen?" she leaned into him with a contented sigh as he kissed her. "I love you too."

"Thank you for showing me that none of this is a waste of time." He kissed her again, the stainless steel counter cold through the thin fabric of her dress. She broke the kiss, breathless, and looked over his shoulder and out to the restaurant. Their restaurant.

FIN

~~~~~~

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muqingapologist · 3 months

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Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

this is such a hard question because i’ve gone through so many phases of obsessing over pieces of media in my life, and sometimes it’s really hard for me to parse which characters are lasting favorites and which are just part of that phase. but i’ll try! keep in mind, lots of sentimentality ahead…

and this is in no particular order.

1. wei wuxian (the untamed)

ok so this kind of goes along with a previous post i made discussing my feelings of the mdzs book vs. the untamed. when i first watched the untamed at the recommendation of a friend, it was so unlike anything i’d ever seen before. and wei wuxian was so unlike any protagonist i’d ever encountered before. his determination to do what’s right no matter what others do, but also not being above experiencing doubt and uncertainty about his decisions, really touched me. also of course his carefree attitude toward life is something i repeatedly try and fail to achieve myself. it might also have to do with xiao zhan’s acting choices, but he really touched me as a character. it’s hard for me to say if the wwx of the book did the same organically because i read it over a long period of time after watching the show, so im just going to count the untamed version.

2. shizuku tsukishima (whisper of the heart)

this one is probably pretty niche but allow me to give my most heartfelt recommendation of whisper of the heart, my favorite ghibli movie and one of my favorite films of all time. shizuku is the protagonist of the film. she’s a young girl, probably about 14, and so far, her life has been defined by satisfying her imagination by always reading fiction, immersing herself in stories. inspired by the love interest of the film seiji, she decides she wants to try to be a writer. the film is kind of like a slice of life over a few months of this time, and we see shizuku struggle with perfectionism and wanting to follow her dreams and inability to take criticism, etc. i rarely cry over movies but i cried at this one because i had just never felt so seen by a character. everyone please watch whisper of the heart!🙏

3. prince zuko (avatar: the last airbender)

i think 50% of the reason he’s on here is sentimentality since avatar was a show i watched so much throughout my childhood and of course again more recently with its resurgence in popularity, but also what can i say? his character arc is unmatched. i won’t rehash the details. i will say uncle iroh would probably be here instead if we knew any more about his past because he’s off-screen journey is just so fascinating to me.

4. percy jackson (percy jackson & the 12 olympians)

PURE sentimentality but ya know….also im only considering this character how he exists in the original series. he kind of lost me in heroes of olympus. but yeah percy jackson was the first character that really impacted me back when i was 9, and i think i still carry that impact to this day. i also think the original series still holds up reading it as an adult.

5. kim wexler (better call saul)

kim nation!!! reveal yourselves!! i watched better call saul a little over a year ago and damn, it’s so rare to find such interesting, well-developed, flawed within reason female characters in a tv drama like this. her intelligence and her tendency to get carried away with jimmy don’t contradict each other but work together. her emotional journey….UGH!! kim x post-prison jimmy, who else hopes?

6. xie lian (tgcf/heaven official’s blessing)

so this one is new and i’m not completely sure the deep impression will last yet, but i’ll explain. when i first read tgcf about two years ago, i kind of skimmed because it was so long, and the feelings i had toward xie lian were…not super favorable. i was kind of bored by him and….i saw him as a lesser wei wuxian. AND I WAS WRONG!!! because i reread tgcf finally a couple of months ago, no skimming, really thinking about what i was reading and now i love him. his journey from optimistic prince who had never before suffered to carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders to nearly collapsing under that weight but despite all odds, pulling through and once again finding that optimism, or at least hope. it touched me so much this time around!!! also i don’t know why i thought he was boring first time around. this guy is funny as hell! anyway, lots of lessons to apply to my own life and whatnot.

7. ninth doctor (doctor who)

guys….hear me out. notice im not saying “the doctor” because i think most of doctor who is just nonsense. but that one season with the ninth doctor (and okay i like the tenth doctor’s seasons well enough, or i did really love them. less so these days…). so much potential. so when i say he’s one of my favorite characters ever, i accept that it’s mostly the version of the doctor that lives in my head and isn’t subject to the bad writing decisions made later in the show. it’s a lot of sentimentality, but i am really fascinated by this traumatized alien guy who just lost his entire people, finding himself devolving into more violent, unforgiving tendencies, but meeting rose, jack, whoever else along the way is able to remind him of not who he was but who he could be. of course doctor who is forever ongoing though so character development can only go too far lol.

8. nozue (old-fashioned cupcake)

this is also brand new so not sure if lasting because i only just read and watched ofc, but man. this guy’s journey from being defeatist about getting older and turning 40, being afraid of trying anything new, to allowing himself to experience new things, one of those things being falling in love! his whole concept of using regret as fuel for happiness, transmitting that idea to togawa who transmits it back to nozue later!! ahhh!! so like my love for this character might actually just be love for the entire story but i can’t not mention it every five seconds rn so….

9. isabel archer (portrait of a lady)

so this is the protagonist of henry james’s portrait of a lady, which i finally finished reading last month. and gosh! well the book itself was amazing, but i was especially touched by isabel’s character, mainly because she just felt so realistic. her motivations, her goals, her shift, her sorrows, they all feel earned, creating an incredibly vivid character that i think most people can find something in there to relate to, especially other women who have always been told they are clever and imaginative and yet find themselves struggling internally to live up to those expectations.

10. natasha rostova (war and peace)

it’s been years since i read war and peace in my university freshman seminar, so it’s hard for me to speak on the details of why exactly this character is here. but also it’s no surprise because this is a character that continues to be the star of russian literature. what i can say, she’s another bright, carefree character (clearly symbolizing aspects of russian culture but even beyond that) who it’s impossible not to feel deeply connected to. she goes through some pretty life-altering stuff in war and peace (everyone listen to the musical called natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812 for those details!!) and as the reader, you just really feel for her. idk man she still stands out in my mind, but also this is also much thanks to the musical i just mentioned above.

i kind of came up with these on the spot so like…who knows how accurate this is, but i like to talk about the things i like so sue me. thank you for the question though!!

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formulaorange · 1 year

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Winter 2023 Anime Review

This has got to be the longest season ever. I swear I stopped watching anime for a good few months and came back and the season's still going. I definitely cut down the amount of shows I watched this season since I burnt out but the upcoming Spring season should be a banger. My top 3 for this season: Buddy Daddies Sugar Apple Fairy Tail The Vampire Dies in No Time Season 2 Here's this seasons final reviews:

Giant Beasts of Ars - 12 Episodes Definitely one of the better anime originals I've seen in a while. This is a new sci-fi fantasy concept that felt a little reminiscent of Ghibli content. I was satisfied with the story but was a little disappointed they didn't end it off with 1 season. 8/10- Very Good

Trigun Stampede - 12 Episodes I honestly loved this. Studio Orange killed it with the 3d animations (they did Beastars) and the story is well rounded. I think the series is definitely underated and many people skipped it due to the animation style but it's 100% worth a watch. 8/10 - Very Good

Vinland Saga Season 2 - (Still airing - 12/24 Episodes) Who knew we'd see Facebook's farmville be animated in such detail. But honestly, the first half of this season is absolutely brutal. I know they're keeping it real and the slow pace makes the rest of the season stand out all that much more but damn. Doesn't pick up until episode 9 but somehow I still have high hopes for the rest of the season. (Side note - Mappa is killing it as usual with this take-over) 7/10 - Good

Blue Lock - Part 2 (Episodes 13-24) This is definitely still one of the best sports anime I've seen in the last few years. All the characters are unique and enjoyable to watch, the art style is solid and well executed and the story progresses at a decent rate. I honestly don't have many complaints about this series. (of course other than the usual butchering of english in the last 2 episodes) If you like sports anime, soccer or just want to watcha battle royal, this is one to check out. 8/10 - Very Good Endo and Kobayashi Live! - 12 Episodes This honestly didn't feel like a novel concept but I had a lot of fun. It's 2 romance stories in 1 but with all the fun of shitty otome game intervention animes. (I can't believe this is a genre now). Just overall wholesome fun. 7/10 - Good Revenger - 12 Episodes I really thought this series could've been better. While I did enjoy it to some extent, the story ended up feeling very superficial and didn't feel like it really went in depth on any of the characters and just floated along the surface story for the whole season. 5/10 - Average Tomo-Chan is a Girl - 13 Episodes I nearly stopped at the first episode. I'm still not 100% sold on the concept where this strong girl just wants to be seen as a romantic interest and a lot of the gender stuff was really on the edge but I think they managed to walk around it. The story did end up being cute without it stepping all over tomboys. Was fun to watch but not as good as the hype behind the manga. 6/10 - Fine Campfire Cooking in Another World with my Absurd Skill - 12 Episodes I really enjoyed the manga for this series and I was stoked that Mappa picked it up. I found that as long as you don't try to look for a serious story from this series it's a fun lighthearted watch. Definitely made me hungry while watching. 7/10 - Good The Eminence In Shadow - Second Half I think this show was actually pretty fun. Definitely more of a fantasy than isekai since it has nothing to do with his previous life. I had fun with Shadow's character but found that it got boring for a few episodes until the end. If it continues I'll likely still check it out. 7/10 - Good

The Ice Guy and His Cool Female Colleague - 12 Episodes This was really cute and I liked the change of pace from other romance series where they're all workforce adults, like in Wotakoi. Still felt that it didn't really go anywhere. Enjoyed it but likely won't continue to watch if there's a second season. 6/10 - Fine

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smallblueandloud · 9 months

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in celebration of finally publishing bail organa time travels (it's been SO MANY MONTHS) i wanted to look through the fics i've published this year and talk about how many had been languishing in my WIPs folder during the Years Of Burnout

i've published 18 fics this year (!! already ??). of those, i'd say that... 4 were written "in one sitting", as in, the bulk of them only required editing after the first session of writing. those were yeah me too, good and steep, sit there in your heartache, and be amazed by the sky. these were all super fun to write, and i want to do more of this!

i think about 4 of them were written in what i consider my "normal" timeframe -- work on a draft for a few days or weeks, let it sit for a few days, edit, post. those were showed me love was all around, i got your back (and you got mine), you've come to shake my hand, and oh, how was i to know. they were all started this year and it was really satisfying to take a longer period of time to work out where their emotional cores were.

6 of this year's fics (roots run deep, round and round, motherless child, miss atomic bomb, things end and caterpillars) were adapted and/or edited from writing pre- or during-hiatus that i didn't initially plan to publish.

adapting those into fics that i felt were "complete" was a really interesting exercise -- round and round and caterpillars really just needed style/pacing updates and happened in one sitting each, but neither motherless child or miss atomic bomb even had coherent emotional arcs, so they both took me multiple months after i picked them back up (in january iirc). things end started life very incomplete but it wrote itself in like two days -- i blame my ongoing love affair with jadzia dax, lmao.

that leaves -- if i've done my math right -- 4 fics that i started PRE- or DURING-hiatus intending to post and then it took me multiple years to finish them. sure enough, we've got don't wanna see you go, something out of a dream chapters 2-3, all we can do today, and finally but the verse is sweet. i'm proud of getting these done! it was a really cool experience to watch these fics grow and change as i grew along and changed with them.

oldest wip of that list was probably all we can do today, which i started all the way back in january of 2021 and published in july of 2023. actually, never mind, something out of a dream was published in october of 2020 and i only posted the last chapters in may of 2023. whoops.

so it's been a really cool year of writing so far! you can find all the fics mentioned in this post here.

(okay, but like honestly, [collapses into a heap] please no more multi-year wips, future essbie)

#sb and l rambles #sb and l is writing #i say that like i haven't been working on eponine de bergerac for like a year and a half at this point #but AFTER that i don't think i have any Non Abandoned wips that are older than this year!#......aside from the fsk rewrite but that fic exists in a quantum state of hiberation #also it's about the same length as all the fics i've posted this year combined so. it doesn't get grouped like the others lmao #(also hi TL if you're reading this <3)

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pige0ns · 2 years

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Just wanted to say that I've been catching up on your analyses of 6x09 and I think you're putting exactly into words what I've been thinking.

It just seems jarring to me that the relationship we spent 6 seasons with, which up to an episode prior was hailed as this deep love, connection, and commitment between two people who would do anything for each other, two people who couldn't bear the thought of something happening to each other, that stretches back to a decade before we met them, might just be over for good so abruptly, to be barely mentioned again. I feel like an ending that treats Jimmy and Kim's relationship as a relic of the past, whose sole purpose was to spawn Saul Goodman, would feel so disconnected from what the big bulk of the show was about. Not to mention how much of a non-ending for Kim this is.

So I think I will perceive 6x09 very differently, depending on whether this is all she wrote (and even if we were to see Kim again, I would count it as "all she wrote" if it's only briefly and not impactful on the eventual ending), or we'll circle back to Jimmy and Kim later on in a meaningful way.

yeah, completely. i do feel confident that we'll see kim again, and that the relationship will be revisited. but just seeing her again or acknowledging the relationship doesn't necessarily guarantee a good handling of what felt lacking from 609.

on a character level, i do find it believable for kim to behave in such an abrupt way. not much more than a month before, she thought she and jimmy were "at a breaking point." all told, her full-out "slippin' kimmy" era didn't last very long, so it's not strange for her to return to her more conflicted characterization of seasons past. especially after such a traumatic event like howard dying. she gets brutally confronted with the knowledge that not only did her sense of fun result in a man's death, but her love for jimmy meant that she was willing to kill a stranger. who for all she knew, was innocent.

similarly, i can believe that without kim, jimmy would retreat abruptly into his saul goodman persona. he's been building that persona for years, and we've seen him turn to it as a result of other traumatic losses. most notably, him choosing to practice as saul in the wake of chuck's death. but also things like him going back to marco after chuck's betrayal in season one. or letting himself be drawn into the howard scam after the trauma of the desert.

but like i said in another post, it's one thing for character behavior to be abrupt, but another thing for writing to be abrupt. in "winner," jimmy's revelation that he was lying to the bar committee, and that he's going to practice as saul goodman, is abrupt behavior. kim is clearly blindsided. she feels suckered and confused. but before 410, we've spent an entire season watching jimmy repress his feelings about chuck, and act in bitter, erratic ways as a result. which means that from a writing perspective, that moment is surprising but not unearned. of course jimmy doesn't want to be jimmy mcgill anymore. mcgill is his brother's name. mcgill is the name of the sucker who thought maybe he could be a part of the world. and of course jimmy acts chipper and triumphant. he's been doing that all season, ever since "i guess that's your cross to bear". which means that while "it's all good man" is nauseating to watch, it's a satisfying kind of nausea. because it's such a perfect conclusion to the season.

but like, that moment happens after an entire season. we get an entire season of jimmy processing his feelings about chuck (or not processing, as it were). meanwhile kim has practically been co-lead since season two, and has been jimmy��s closest relationship for 12 years of his life, and is the most important emotional figure to him aside from chuck. she is the love of his life and his only friend, and their dynamic is inextricably woven into the fabric of the show. not only that but “what happens to kim” and “how does jimmy become saul” have been two of the story’s biggest ongoing questions. which the writers are perfectly aware of, considering they framed this episode as “some of the most important questions get answered tonight.” at least, seemingly.

so when i compare how the show handled the end of jimmy’s relationship with chuck, and the fallout of that, i can’t help but be frustrated by how much time the show allowed for it and not for this. when this was an equally, if not more important relationship. i think all of the mike and gus stuff was important from both a plot and theme perspective, and i wouldn’t want to lose it. but it’s not unreasonable to have wanted another episode’s worth of time in order to keep that good stuff, in addition to really doing justice to a critical point in the story. thematic parallels are great, but they don’t replace actually witnessing characterization on screen. and bcs has never been lazy about that before.

hell, literally even one more scene with kim would have helped clarify her mindset in the breakup scene. i shouldn’t need to read an interview with the actor for her psychology to be apparent. again, i've never needed that with bcs before. normally, it takes its time with characterization. i mean, witness us getting an entire episode just devoted to gene’s psychology. and yet at this utterly pivotal character moment....it doesn’t connect the dots for us? i find it cheap, i really do. and no amount of “yeah tv has to do a lot in a short amount of time” or “well it’s obvious that xyz” justifies it for me. no it’s not obvious! the show has never treated it as obvious before! what is going on that it would treat this of all things as obvious now.

the only ways forward i can see to make it work in retrospect are: (1) episodes deeply devoted to kim and jimmy’s mindsets either before or after the breakup scene that clarifies their characterization. kim is punishing herself? kim can’t atone with jimmy? kim feels like an affront to justice? kim was transformed by almost killing a man? kim wants to erase herself? ok let’s see more of that. jimmy wants to flatten himself out because he has nothing to care about without kim? ok let’s see more of that too. make me see it, don’t do interviews about it after the fact. tell your actual story, come on. (2) narrative and/or thematic content that suggests that kim and jimmy’s breakup and jimmy’s final transformation was never actually the real pivotal moment of the show. you thought it was, but it was just a stop along the way, and thus they needed to structurally de-emphasize it. (3) there is some other reason that they needed to hide what they did in that episode, because it becomes important later.

i really think people have been misunderstanding my issue with the episode, and it’s kind of frustrating. it’s not about me not understanding or appreciating what the episode was going for. it’s not about me being mad or sad about kim and jimmy breaking up. i expected them to break up, and probably for reasons similar to what we got. it’s not about me not getting the themes, or not getting the limitations that tv is working within. it’s about me seeing a show that is normally so carefully paced when it comes to both characterization and story, taking very important character and story beats and rushing them. i judge it, because i have never thought the show has rushed those things before. and so it was an incredibly jarring and disappointing experience.

#i do feel annoying continuing to complain about the episode i'm sorry #i'm actually trying to care less about it lol so i can just appreciate the remaining episodes #like i'm not committed to feeling bad about this #i'm prepared to like it in retrospect #but yeah i still haven't changed my mind #better call saul

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thecheckeredchaser · 2 days

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Ch 6

Insured Gains

Chapter 7- Approaching Goal

Jake had been anticipating this outing since it was born into his mind on Tuesday. After Alexis confessed that the genre of flirtation that they had been engaging in was that of a fat fetish, a concept he lived so far away from in his life that he couldn't have imagined the existence. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. The signs had all been there, when he thought about it. His brain just wrote everything off, because how could she be into him? She was absolutely gorgeous. Everyone in the office had acknowledged that to Jake at some point since her hire and even more recently her assignment to him. He hadn’t wanted to be ‘that guy’, when he learned she’d be replacing his previous assistant. He chose to actively never say anything about how she looked, and even went so far as to eliminate any actions that showed interest in her as a person. A bit far, but professionalism was his top priority.

But at the start of this week he slipped. Maybe it was that small part of his brain that was hoping she’d be into him and they’d have a hot steamy office romance picked up on the way she looked at him, how she would make excuses to come through his door, and the look in her eyes when she would bring him food. That was not lost on him. The majority of the time, that is what he had her doing for him, of which he wasn’t proud. It was sheer coincidence that Alexis was into exactly what he had been slowly becoming over the last 2 decades. He invited her to lunch, maybe to really see if that part of his brain was completely crazy. He had thought he’d dashed his chances when he completely forgot he was having lunch with a beautiful woman and just plowed through all the food without a thought for manners. He wasn’t sure at what point a person is confidently a food addict, but he was sure losing all sense of self when eating and doing so to excess could be it. Not to mention the frequency.

He at this point was a quiet regular at the restaurant. Some days, Jake would tell Alexis to put lunch with a particular client on his schedule, and just go to lunch at the buffet alone. It had been some months since he found it, and it fit the occasional need he had to just completely stuff himself. After getting over any embarrassment of going alone, with the help of tipping the staff well, who then wouldn’t dare make the experience unpleasant for him, he started going bi-weekly. Coming again, after just being back the week before, felt a little extra greedy to Jake, but he was determined that he was making an excellent choice.

After reading up on Alexis’ peculiarities, it became clear to him that he was not un-peculiar himself. He was fascinated to see so many people just like Alexis. Enjoying the same unusual things that Jake had been learning his whole life were not to be desired. Even more surprising was the examples of people who basked in the admiration. Jake had been living the life of a gainer, except unconsciously and completely filled with anxiety and angst over it. Alexis made that all feel different.

Jake stacked his plate eagerly. He wanted to get back to Alexis and be within the glow of her praise. She had made him feel so appreciated and accepted for exactly how he was and his habits. And even though he had already demolished his first plate, he felt like he was only made hungrier.

Jake sat down in the booth and immediately looked at Alexis for her look or words. She would have some kind of way of showing her approval, and Jake wanted to drink it up. He watched her eyes look at his plate, peer over the table at his belly that rested in his lap, and to his face with a satisfied grin. His skin crawled with pleasure. “You are so greedy,” she teased in a low tone. He came to love and crave her comments, seemingly instantly. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel amazing. Starved.” He watched Alexis break eye contact and smile to the side. He liked to tease her back. Part of him still thought at any moment Alexis could change her mind, which he knew was unlikely, considering how deep she was in at her youthful age. But, each time he drew a response like that from her, he knew he had her too.

“So let me ask you something,” she posed.

“Ask me anything Lexi,” he said.

“It’s considered impolite to ask,” she said as if to warn him. Jake gave a curious look. “How much man am I really looking at Jake?” Jake blushed hard. He hadn’t expected her to ask in that way. He had had a very normal relationship with his weight growing up. He was typically in the upper percentile, but as an athlete, it was expected. However as he made his way through college, the freedom with food choices started to get the better of him. He went from an athletic 220 lbs to a soft and lethargic 270 lbs before his junior year. He maintained this soft look for a while. When he met his wife, he was around there. She was by no means in love with his belly, but found the pudge endearing enough.

But he was eating more freely and as his weight ticked up. His wife took notice and attempted to workshop “their” diet at home. Jake found it irritating and would eat a bit excessively when he was at work to compensate. The way she went about it rubbed him the wrong way, and triggered something else in his brain. His notorious appetite. He had been trying to keep track of his weight, but after he got to 290, he stopped, because he didn’t want to deal with the shame of passing 300. He didn’t know when he did, but he was certain it happened.

“I cannot say with confidence, unfortunately for you. I’m probably over 300 by now.” He felt as if he was shimmering from the proclamation, and not shuddering as he typically would.

“Is it cliche for that to be one of my favorite categories for a guy to be in?”

“From what I read, perhaps. It’s undeniably big. Yet you still try to deny it.”

“Only in jest. I think it’s apparent that you are big Jake.” Jake smiled, laughing, as he dipped his fork at his plate for another bite, only to be greeted by the scratching of it against the plate. He looked down at the plate with furrowed brows. He was astonished to see the plate was empty, aside from the remains of the red sauce from the pasta he had apparently inhaled with the rest. He looked up at Alexis, fully surprised. She looked back at him with an amused look. “You aren’t actually looking at me wondering where it all went right now, are you?”

“I guess I am,” Jake said, settling into the fact that he had finished the plate before he was aware he had started.

“I think It’s my turn. This pig is getting out of control. Are you still starving?” Alexis asked, slowly getting up. Jake just nodded, entranced, feeling as if he was suddenly completely under Alexis’ control. The small woman looked at him hungrily. “Be back with your next.” Jake could feel the blood in his body migrate south, and tried to settle himself with a drink. He felt the air pressure build inside him and rubbed his belly slightly to coax out a belch that he muffled with his fist.. He felt a surge of pleasure run over him, as well as a pang of resentment that he couldn’t have waited for Alexis to be back. Her appreciation was dearly missed. He was certainly embarrassed the first couple times he burped in front of her. A very natural thing that was frowned upon in the presence of women, let alone hot ones you wanted to get into the pants of. Yet, she was infatuated by him when he did. He figured they were both very lucky, because it came with the territory of eating way too much.

The waiter came by and took the empty plates and refilled their drinks. “How is everything Jake?” the waiter asked.

“Excellent. Thank you.” He seemed to linger an extra second, causing Jake to hold his gaze.

“The owner would like to offer you a special dessert for you and your companion when you are ready for it. We by no means are rushing you,” he said, pleasantly. Jake tingled with excitement.

“That sounds great. I will let the lady decide when we are ready for that,” he said, feeling all too scandalous in doing so. The waiter nodded, looking only slightly surprised by his response, and made his way to another guest. Jake often wondered how the waitstaff perceived his patronage. He never wanted them thinking he was a slobbish pig, though he was hoping Alexis did, but imagined that they had to take notice of the fat guy who comes to the buffet semi-regularly. They obviously knew him by name, but he wondered if they talked about him any further than that. He had a feeling Lexi probably was fantasizing about that very sort of thing as she built his plate.

Alexis returned with a plate that had consumed all visible porcelain. She sat and pushed it across to him with a beaming smile. "Jake Andrews is a glutton," she whispered to nobody. Jake popped a spicy tuna roll into his mouth, letting the spicy mayo coat his tongue.

"And that's a top qualifier to be in the running to get onto Lexi's radar," Jake stated. "Lucky me. Lucky you," he said with a wink. Jake made his way through the potluck inspired plate Alexis had brought, with full steam. Sushi, pizza, sausage and peppers, macaroni and cheese, and chicken wings. He couldn’t get enough of the way she looked, marveled, at him. He was starting to feel pretty full once halfway through and debated whether it was more exciting to make her think he was truly bottomless, or start capitalizing on how she melted at his fullness. He took a sip of his soda and let a particularly revealing grumbly burp, garnering a suspicious look from Alexis. He had made enough room to power on.

"I almost thought you were thinking about quitting on me," she said, with lowered eyes.

"Before reaching my goal? Alexis. I reach goals." Jake looked at the remaining wings with a smirk.

"You are pretty well known to exceed them, actually," she said purposefully flattering him and challenging him. He responded by confidently picking up one of the wings.

"I used to house wings in college," he boasted, effortlessly pulling the moist meat off the bare bones, backing up his claim.

"Apparently," she said, raising her eyebrow ring. "Is that where it all started?" she teased.

"It helped. We'd go to this wing spot and if you could eat 24 wings and bed of fries in 24 minutes you got a tee shirt. I eventually got a shirt for each of my friends." Jake remembered liking the praise from his friends then too. He could remember them treating his belly like it was a badge of honor. Taking the 6 wings down felt so natural and familiar to Jake. He finished and washed down the heat with his drink. "Ahhh," he sighed, keeping back a belch as a fellow customer walked by. He rubbed his belly and burped low and deep.

"God," Alexis exclaimed hotly. "You must be getting pretty full now," she said, clearly reading his mind. "Guess you didn't want that lady to hear how much of a pig you were huh? Too embarrassed for that. You've been terrible at keeping it secret from me, I must say." Jake wiped his mouth, feeling too called out to look right at her.

"I care about appearances," he eventually retorted. Folding his arms on the table. He let out a big sigh, all too telling of how full he felt.

"Are you looking for number four? It's probably better for appearances that I go up, so you don't have to waddle around with that big gut of yours. People might think you look fat."

"Cute," he joked back. "Yea go ahead. Just nothing too heavy," he added masochistically. He rubbed at his huge belly anticipating what she would bring back and how he'd manage to cram it in.

Ch 8

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iflyaway · 1 year

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I just finished watching a Taiwanese drama. The reason I started was because I wanted to practice my mandarin because I’ve been watching too many Korean dramas and I have only been speaking English in my life. But I got hooked onto the story. The overall quality of the drama wasn’t even that good. There’s nothing ground breaking, no top cinematography, no interesting twist in plot. It was just a rom com that girls like to watch. Some scenes were so slow and there were so many flash backs that got repetitive. But yet. They conveyed the stories and emotions that I feel about my life and my friends. There was nothing special about the plot or the story, but I find myself gravitating towards this story because it was so every day life.

I think of my life as a drama. Or maybe because I watch so many dramas, I want my life to be one. When I turned 30, I said I was going to live a beautiful life. I said I was not going to worry about my plans and trust in You. I said I was going to not let the past hold me down and that I will not be troubled like I was in my 20s. 6 months has past and living this first year of being 30 was not easy. I cried many times because of work. I felt so stressed, so pressed in. I felt so lost in direction and I keep wanting to leave but not really sure leaving for what. My old childhood insecurities are still living with me and I have anxiety when socializing with my co workers. I hate certain parts of myself and am disgusted when I show negative parts of myself to my friends. My friends around me are buying houses, getting married, moving cities, giving birth. Everyone is going somewhere, except for me. I’m not moving. I’m still where I am. You asked me to stay and I did. But I’m not happy. I’m very grateful for my apartment and for the experiences I have had in my life, but I’m not fulfilled nor satisfied. I think I want something more? No not more. Some different? Is there enough of You for me to be fulfilled? I should be fulfilled even though I am lacking because You provide for me and You are the sustainer of my life.

It occurred to me that if I want the married life and the life with kids, this drama I am living in might come to an end. I might not be able to romanticize about my life anymore. I think about it and I ask myself is that okay? I think I would say yes, I would do anything for it. But is that actually true? What do I really want? What is the true yes in my life?

I tried hard to get rid of the guilt I felt and the turmoil of dating a non-Christian boyfriend. But since this “him”, there were so many more that came after. I liked them because of this fleeting feeling and an electrifying connection that I had when talking to them. It feels embarrassing to admit. And I can’t believe that even up to this last November and December, I kissed someone I shouldn’t. And I said to You and I prayed very hard for that to be the last him. But another “him” had spawn again. Is there something wrong with my heart? Why is it so bent? Why can’t I like the people that I should like? I let myself do what I wanted last November and December and I got hurt. What am I doing wrong?

Today I talked with my Christian friend and she spoke my heart. She spoke my feelings and my circumstance. She told me that a friend of hers prayed every year that she would get married in November. I think one of the reasons it is so hard to pray for this is because it hurts my pride to be so desperate. I wish I was different that I didn’t need this and that I only needed You. I wish I could be above what the human heart desires. But I have to admit that I am not. I am just liked any other human who have desires to be loved, to build a family and to live a fulfilled life on this earth.

My heart wants to pray for this person to show up in my life who will fix my lack of self discipline, who would help me live a healthy rhythmic life that showers when it is time to and eat when it is time to. Someone who believes in volunteering and giving back to the community. Someone who also wants to learn more about the bible by studying it. Someone who would listen to all the thoughts that are in my head. Someone who will entertain the romance in my life. Someone who will be kind to me. Someone who will be patient with me. Someone who will hug me when I am anxious. Someone who will love me a lot.

And I think to myself, isn’t this God? If not You who else can it be? Why am I still asking for a person? Why isn’t that knowing You are a loving Father who can give me all that enough? Yet still, I ask for a broken person. And even if this person shows up in my life, will I even recognize him?

Although I am not the only one being asked the question, so? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you dating anyone? Is there anyone in your life? I am tired of answering it. Can the answer come soon? Where I can finally say, yes I have a boyfriend and yes we are getting married soon. And yes, we are living a good life. This painful desire of mine magnifies when I am asked this question by my friends. God, can we finally fill this pain? Can we address this somehow? I wish for this person, but if he isn’t going to show up can You just take this desire away from me? It is too painful to continue living this way.

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therealvalkyrie · 3 years

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Painter’s Hands and Guatemalan Coffee: Part 6

sketch

Pairing/setting: Levi Ackerman x Female!Reader, modern!college!AU

Summary: When you catch your idiot boyfriend cheating, your grumpy roommate is there to pick up the pieces and watch your back as you toe a carefully drawn line in the metaphorical sand.

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: fluff, romantic vegetable chopping, the chapter of realizing things

AN: Well, it’s been six fucking months, but it’s finally here!! It’s a little shorter than I’d prefer, and took a lot of iterations to get here, but I’m very satisfied:) Thanks, as always, to my lovely @doinmybesthere for editing and encouraging. I hope you all enjoy! I think there’re maybe 1 or 2 parts left in this story, that’ll hopefully be out more quickly than I managed this one. Please let me know what you think! Be kind to yourselves and others. ~valkyrie

—

(read chapter 5 here)

Finals week passes in a slow blur, barely leaving enough time for you to breathe between essays, exams, and one presentation that you think takes at least a year off the end of your life. It’s much the same for everyone else, as well — you barely see Levi, not counting the nights you spend alternating between your bed and his, and you don’t see Hange at all. Consequently, there’s no opportunity to break apart what happened on Saturday. No chance to peel back its layers and find how you really feel. Although, to her credit, Annie doesn’t appear again, so you’re able to shove it into a corner of your mind for the time being.

Saturday brings with it both a new winter storm and an overwhelming sense of relief. You let it fill you completely as you sit and watch snow swirl outside. The street below your kitchen window is bustling with students trying to outrun the storm to get home for vacation. But you have nowhere to be, nothing to do. It’s nice.

The door opens, bringing with it the stomping of Levi’s boots. You turn to watch him shake snow from his hair, sinking deeper into the reassurance of knowing that everything you need is here under your roof. Safe.

Hmm. What the fuck?

You choke on the next sip of your tea as the realization of what you just felt hits you square in the chest. Through your coughing and hacking, you reach again for that fleeting sense of home. Childish, content, warm.

“Are you okay?” Levi calls from the entrance, looking at you with pinched brows halfway through hanging up his jacket.

“Fine,” you cough out, pushing back from the table to hunch over and catch your breath. “I’m okay.”

It takes a moment for you to stop breathing hard, though when you do, your heart rate doesn’t return to normal, instead pushing blood to your face and neck and making your body feel light. Levi doesn’t help when he finally joins you in the kitchen, all floppy hair and bright cheeks from the snow. All leisurely about the way he stretches his lean body to take his favorite blend of Earl Grey from the top of the fridge.

“I was thinking about dinner,” he starts, completely oblivious to the way you’ve started sweating under your cardigan. “We shouldn’t order because of the snow, so I brought home stuff to make soup.”

“What kind?” It’s a miracle the words come out normally.

“Chicken noodle.” He turns to face you. “My mom’s recipe.”

—

“I don’t get why guys are always so uppity about kitchen knives,” you say, picking up what Levi’s told you is a utility knife. “Like, it’s just a knife. I’m not about to stab myself with it.” Your finger drags along its sharp edge for only a split second when Levi’s slim fingers are suddenly around your wrist.

“Don’t. Touch. The knives,” he growls, taking the utility knife gently from your other hand and placing it back on the counter. “I just sharpened them last week, you could’ve seriously cut yourself.”

His steel eyes hold yours for another long moment until you nod your head mutely. You haven’t been able to shake the knot of hyperawareness that’s been settled in your belly since your what the fuck moment, and it only twists tighter when he’s so close to you. His hair is dry now, curling slightly because he hasn’t bothered to comb it since he got home. You have to actively resist the urge to twist a particularly enthusiastic curl around your finger in the split second before he backs away again.

Muttering under his breath, he returns to the simmering pot on the stove that he claims has turned into stock, though you hardly believe it. Growing up, you’d never been taught kitchen skills, let alone anything close to actual labor.

For a while, you’re content to watch, sitting at the table and nursing both the ache in your chest and a fresh cup of chamomile, but the urge to join him in his quiet work overwhelms you as he’s washing the vegetables.

“Levi, please, can I help?” Your tone edges on whining, prompting him to huff and shift on his feet. “I promise I won’t touch the knives! There, just, must be something I can do.”

You see him roll his eyes, swear under his breath, then turn towards you with a glower.

“No talking, no questions, and go wash your hands.”

“Yes!” you cheer and stand up with a bounce.

The scent of the bar of soap as you lather and wash cuts pleasantly through the spices and thick scents already filling the kitchen. It’s not something you’ve experienced often, and you relish in what you realize must be home comfort, your grin settling from enthused to contented.

Levi is arranging carrots, celery, and onions next to the cutting board when you join him again.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to touch the knives?”

“You’re not, until I show you how to do it without chopping off your fingers.”

“Oh, ye of little faith,” you tease, but nevertheless settle in beside him to watch as he lines up a carrot and picks up the utility knife.

“We’re generally going for even pieces, though it doesn’t matter much because it’s a soup. Put your fingers like this,” you lean over a bit to see how he’s arranged his left hand holding the carrot, the tips of his fingers just barely tucked under the knuckles, “so that you can chop like this—“ he begins slicing, knife guided by his knuckles “—and not lose your fingers. Always point the blade away from yourself and others, and never hold the handle like you’re going to stab something. That’s not effective, anyway. If you have to use this as a weapon, it’s much more effective to slash rather than stab, considering bone density—“

“Uhh,” you cut in, “pause. Are we slicing carrots or fending off home invaders?”

He stops chopping. “What did I say about asking questions?”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Anyway. Considering bone density, you’ll have better luck aiming to cut big veins than forcing through ribs.”

He’s done with the first carrot, now, lithe fingers flipping the knife so the blade is up.

“Never drag the blade along the surface sideways. Flip it over and use the blunt edge to move food.” He demonstrates, moving the little pile of carrot slices to a corner of the cutting board. “Your turn.”

And then, like it’s nothing, he’s offering you the handle with a flat expression.

“Uhm.” You press your lips together and eye it for a long pause. “Are you sure?”

“It’s just a carrot. You’ll be fine.” He lets another unsure moment slide into being, then sighs and reaches out to wrap your hand around the handle. “Here, like this.”

And like you’ve suddenly stepped into a poorly-written romcom, he’s guiding your hands under his to the next waiting carrot, curling your fingers exactly like he showed you before, and scooting over to let you stand in his place. You just let yourself go along with it, hoping desperately that he won’t feel your hands grow clammy or see the way your chin has tucked itself shyly to your chest so you can watch.

Fucking shit carrots, useless goddamn root vegetable, can’t chop itself, has to make me do all the work—

Your aggressive inner monologue takes you all the way through the second carrot, then his hands are leaving yours and he’s placing a third under your waiting blade. Time to fly solo.

—

When you fall asleep in the armchair that night, sated and full of comfort food, Levi sketches in pencil on scrap paper. He sketches his hands over yours in the kitchen and he sketches the steam rising from the pot on the stove. He sketches you sitting with a bowl of soup in your lap, face illuminated by the TV and he sketches your sleeping body curled up, hair in your mouth. He sketches a close-up of your face, with special attention to the curve of your bottom lip, and he considers it practice for finishing the painting in his room.

Levi doesn’t think about how if he doesn’t do something soon, all of this will change. About how you’ll get over your heartbreak and move out at the end of the year and he won’t see you every day and every night. And he definitely doesn’t think about how he’ll have to adjust back to sleeping without your soft body tangled in his, and he doesn’t wonder how he ever slept before you.

No, instead of thinking, he just cracks his knuckles and gently scoops you from the chair and into his arms.

It’s as he’s climbing into his side of your bed that you stir and snort and blink sleepy eyes open.

“What time is it?”

“Ten forty,” he whispers, “go back to sleep.”

You hum and turn on your side to face him, face half hidden by the squish of your pillow. He settles more comfortably in, tucks your head under his chin even though you’re taller than he is, and drapes his free arm around the curve of your waist.

Quiet breathing is the only thing that fills the room for a long while, and he finally thinks you’ve drifted back off, when:

“Hey, Levi?”

“Hmm?”

“I... I’ve been thinking a lot, and...”

The tone of your voice is odd and it makes Levi’s throat seize up for a moment while you hesitate. He swallows deliberately.

“And?”

Your next words are more confident, like you have really been thinking a lot, your voice not sleepy in the slightest. It’s matter-of-fact and soft and lovely.

“And you make me feel really safe. Just, like, all the time. And I’m glad I met you. You make me feel, um...,” a small sniffle, “You make me feel held.”

Levi tightens his arm around you and swallows again. It feels like he’s balancing on the head of a pin, and a thousand angels are swirling around him, and it’s taking all he has not to get pushed off.

“Well, I am holding you.”

“Psssssht,” you wriggle slightly back so you can look at his face. You look simultaneously exasperated and vulnerable in the shadows of your bedroom. “You know what I mean.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Well, I guess...”

You pause to think for a moment, eyes flicking away from Levi’s face for a split second. Then, they’re back on his and he can feel the vulnerable honesty already spilling from you.

“I’ve never really, um, gotten a lot of physical affection? From people in my life? And, uh, it’s not just that, it’s that you’re so... so— so familiar, and not just because I know you, godimnotmakingalickofsense, but because it feels like I’ve always known you?” It’s said like a question, like you want to know if he feels the same. “And you just make me feel held.”

You pause on a shaky inhale of breath, then cover your face with your hands and roll onto your back away from him.

“God, I’m sorry, that doesn’t make any sense at all, I’ll just—“

“Stop,” Levi cuts you off, pushing up to lean over you and grasp your wrists in one hand and cover your mouth with the other, a mirror of the pair of you in the kitchen weeks earlier. “It makes sense. I get it.”

Your doe eyes stare up at him just like they did then and he selfishly indulges in an extra second of staring back before he releases you and slides back to rest on an elbow. Your hands stay demurely tucked by your chest where he put them and your tongue flicks out to lick at your lips as your eyes follow him.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I get it.”

“Okay. Good.”

Suddenly, Levi doesn’t feel like going to bed. He feels like running for miles or painting until his hands ache or hitting something, anything to distract him from doing something incredibly stupid right now. The mattress sinks as he sits up and spins his legs out of bed, muttering something about tea and not tired yet, and he almost doesn’t catch the sensation of you sitting up behind him.

He turns halfway back to tell you to go back to sleep, but your fingers catch his chin and he’s abruptly out of breath.

The curve of your bottom lip is perfectly, exactly the way he sketched it in the semi-dark. It’s slightly chapped.

When you kiss him, soft and certain, he topples off the pinhead and back into his body just in time to do something incredibly stupid and kiss you back.

—

(read part 7 here)

#levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #levi x fem!reader #aot fanfic #attack on titan fanfic #snk fanfic #shingeki no kiyojin fanfic #female!reader #levi ackerman #fluff #swearing #painter's hands and guatemalan coffee #valkyrie writes

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ilyr · 2 years

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Everglow Onda smut(kinda rushed but still posting it)

(Plotted with no Covid)

"We have one upcoming variety show and 2 of you 6 have to attend it while the other 4 will be going back home for a while but don't worry,the 2 will also have the same fair treatment." Said the manager of Everglow,while the girls were listening closely to their manager.He looked at the girls one by one and went back to his papers.Since they'll be having a 2 months break after this, they'll need to send some big images to gain more attention and income for the company."I was about to send- "

"I can go to the schedule" as he was saying,Onda interrupted him confidently and full of spirit.He also was surprised for her enthusiasm but "I'd love to send you but I'm pretty sure Yiren and Sihyeon will have bigger impact on this.I know they were so busy this year but this is the last one for them.So,can Yiren and Sihyeon do us a favour?" Their manager ignored Onda just in a second.Well,Yiren and Sihyeon were bigger faces for Everglow but at some point,Onda felt depressed.All her life,she dreamt about becoming an idol with fair treatment but reality was a little rough to her.She did become an idol but not that fair treatment.Shortly after,the meeting ended up Yiren and Sihyeon was left behind for further information while the other 4 were walking back to their dorm,thinking what will they do for their break.

"I'm thinking like,I think I will go to a sauna and have a really great day there" said Aisha while Mia nodded in excitement and they decided to go together some day while E:U decided to just spend time with her family.For Onda,she was pretty stressed out and decided to go abroad, somewhere where no one will recognize her.After discussing with her members,she decided to leave to Spain for half a month.During the around 13 hours flight, everything stuck in her mind was her not being picked/almost the last to be picked for all their schedules,event and everything.

Arriving in the new country,she just decided to sleep the whole first day since she felt exhausted and drained from her stress and flight.The room was so clean,neat and spacious just for one small Asian girl to be in and she decided to be carefree,not caring to unload her luggage but immediately jump into a warm steamy tub but her body asked for one more, masterbuation.She haven't done it in awhile but she always see Yiren and Sihyeon getting called by the investors at night for no reason,Mia bringing man/men to their dorm,Aisha randomly going out middle of the night when everyone fell asleep and E:U being with her Sugar Daddy.Everyone see Onda only as a cute innocent girl which made her frustrated.But this time,her body was really asking for it and without her notice,her hand was already there,touching herself.As she was too tired to argue with herself,she just gave into her naughty side,her private part was already itchy and she used 2 fingers for her pleasure underwater,moaning softly and imagining herself being pleasured by a real cock one day from a man or her boyfriend in future.One hand of her was kneading her cute perky tits while the other side was fingering underwater for awhile until she released her orgasm.She felt satisfied and walked around the room in naked manner with a glass of alcohol in her hand,not caring if others will see her body until the room service came to give her mean for the night.She regretted wearing clothes before opening the door but being a good girl,she knew she did the right thing and decided to sleep before spending her day outs for a few days.

The next sun rises slowly,bringing light and warmth to some part of the world.The warmth colour of the sky was spectacular as it was slowly rising but Onda took longer to rise than the sun.She washed herself quickly before going down to get her breakfast served.There's variety of choices for Onda and luckily,she got a table for herself.The country is beautiful and so romantic at some points.She sat by the window, savouring her food with her mind full of thoughts about what she should do today or maybe take a break in her room.Onda took a walk around her place since she feel sleepy.There were no guards or maybe the guards were away for something,she shrugged off.She walked to the nearby convenience store,buying some food for herself to enjoy while watching movie and during her way back,she saw 2 figures whispering in the smokey alley.She checked the surrounding before going in,it was 2 men making business out of drugs and curiosity killed the cat,before she could turn away,she accidentally kicked the tin can which attracts the attention of the men and they saw her.She took quick steps but her steps were smaller than the men.Safely she arrived at her hotel and when she turned around,the two men were right behind her.The elevator took longer than usual which forced her to take the stairs and that's when the hunters caught the prey,they covered her mouth and pull her in the storage room.She shook her head,expressing that she doesn't understand Spanish which they got her message.The taller man gave a sharp slap on her cheek when she refused to give them the key forcing her key out and they told her to act normal until they reached her room.

Luck wasn't on Onda's side,her floor was quiet which favours the men to easily get in her room,locking the door with their hand choking her neck.The taller one was checking around the room while the shorter one was telling her to keep her mouth shut about what she's seen with his hand on her neck.Onda was frightened and kept on nodding as she didn't want to die.But those two had different idea for her as they found out she lives alone.Bending the helpless girl on the table after taking her shirt off,with her hands tied with her own shirt,her body was free to use.The tall man started spanking her from her pants while the other took his pants off,revealing his 8" meat in front of her.She was rejecting it at first but the shaft was forced in her mouth,hitting her throat everytime it goes in and she felt her pants coming off her legs,as if her body was meant for both men.The tall man didn't waste a second,he removed her soaked panty before pushing his face in her private part,pushing his tongue in and out to pleasure the girl.They were praising her body in Spanish while they're enjoying her small and cute body.The man on her bottom part stopped eating and begin to slap her pussy since her mouth was filled with another's cock.He was relentless that her body twitches and roses up,favoring the man controlling her.The dominators had crossed their eyes and nod slowly before thrusting their cock and tongue deep in the girl at once,making Onda groans in pleasure.They threw the girl on the bed before taking their clothes off with smirks on their faces,Onda was too tired to open her eyes but the two monsters weren't.The short man gather her hair in ponytail,playing her mouth with his fingers while the other man was rubbing his big veiny 9" cock on her womanhood, distracting her to be more dumb.

"Fu...fuck me" the girl begged before the man pushed his fingers in her mouth deep while the man behind her insert his cock to her tight,wet hole,making the girl accidentally bite the fingers."Fuck sake,this bitch" the man got mad as his fingers got bitten and he waste no time to land a sharp slap on her face which made the submissive girl fell down on the bed.He pulled her again by the hair,calling her dirty names in Spanish while the other man abuse her hole with his cock.Onda could be named the one who's enjoying the situation the most out of all 3 of them.The more she expresses her pleasure,the harder the duo went on her body."The bitch's cumming!!" the man exclaimed while thrusting hard and deep in Onda,making the girl's mind go blank.Her cute pink walls were grasping tight around his shaft,making it hard to move but the man was forcing it hard until Onda had her orgasm like a street whore.She was screaming in pleasure with her bottom cumming nonstop.Before she could flat down after her orgasm,the bulls flipped her body to take care of her tits, squeezing and twisting her tits hard and pouring alcohol in her mouth when she open her mouth.The room was so tense,Onda was getting ruined on every part of her body but the other two could say they enjoy it.

Time for the new cock,the shorter man didn't hesitate to put all the way in her anal and started thrusting without giving the girl to adjust his size.Meanwhile the other man was hitting her tits and tummy with his belt with his mouth saying "Pain is pleasure in sex" but obviously the girl is distracted enough to hear his words.The room was filled with the man's grunts and the girl's moans,Onda was moaning her heart out,even reaching better vocal she was given to sing.The sensation of the cock rubbing her walls in and out made her becoming more wet and excited as time goes by with her tits standing tall and hard as if they were ready to be lactated.She managed to open her eyes when she felt a tongue on her breast,the tall man was tasting her bud,biting and nibbling on her sensitive part with his fingers rubbing her other bud,her anal was stretched to fullest.The room was filled with her moan when her tits got bitten and twisted making the latter laugh at her and continue back on their works.Being a cute bitch,she hold his head and push down,pushing her cute but perky tits fully in his mouth before he switched to other side.They took Onda in front of the mirror,still pounding her from behind while the free man was holding her ponytail hard and telling her to open her eyes.Her face getting slapped until she open up her eyes and shocked,she doesn't have her innocent image anymore,her hair was messed up,her face was messed with saliva and pre cum,her cheeks were red from all the slaps and her tits were bouncing from the hard thrusts.The man spit in her mouth after bending her body furthermore,she has already given up her body to the keen men.Her face and tits got slapped hard everytime she closes her eyes and the thrusts from behind become slow and hard as her walls become tight again.She could feel him hitting her spot every thrust and after a few thrusts,she fell down on the floor with cum leaking through her hole.The males took the cum from her body part,forcing it in her mouth to let her taste her own cum."Are... aren't you going to finish?"she said between her gasps,asking the two to cum on her face but they went too far,they released on her head,face,mouth and breast, spreading it over her petite body.Lastly, they wrote 'Slut' on her pussy and 'Whore' on her ass before taking their phones out and taking a few pics of her.

The two bulls went out of the room after taking away her panties and bras,leaving the girl on the floor with full of cum on her face and some cash on her bed along with the note saying "You should shut your mouth up about today or you'll be seeing us again with better treatments",who knows,Maybe Onda will try to find them again but now, she's savouring the cum on the floor,thinking she deserves more vacation than going on Variety shows

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#everglow smut #onda #smut #kpop #jo serim #yuehua entertainment

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slytherweasley · 3 years

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Cam girl (George Weasley x reader)

Warnings: Smut and swearing

Summary: George logs onto his computer every week at the same time to watch his favourite cam girl because she reminds him of a girl he used to have a crush on at Hogwarts. One day he decides to pay to private message her and she responds.

George logs onto his computer at 10pm, the same time every Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Today’s Friday, the last day of the week until he has to wait until Monday. For the past month George has been watching a cam girl, she goes by Honey but that’s not her name. The thing that excites George about it all is that she’s anonymous, no one knows what she looks like under the mask.

You setup your computer so the webcam can get everything, you find all the toys you want to use and line them up. You put on your mask and watch the time as it hits 10pm and press stream. The viewers get transferred to your livestream. People assume everyone there is old men but you’ve seen pictures in private messages and some of them are quite good looking. Your job isn’t all sex, for the first 10 minutes you have conversations with the viewers and sometimes people just want to private message you to have some company.

George has never typed anything in the chat before because he’s too nervous too, he doesn’t know what to say. He watches you as you sit on the bed and answer comments from the live chat. He originally clicked on your stream because you reminded him of a girl he used to have a crush on at Hogwarts. She was in Hufflepuff and he had said only a few words to her but he knew so much about her.

You stop answering questions when you check the time and get ready. You ease into it by touching yourself over your lingerie. George tries to stop himself from touching himself so early in the show but the way you moan and mutter dirty things makes his mind go insane. You start to strip first revealing your breasts and you see the chat comments speed up as more new comments roll in and more viewers tune in. You get an average of 5-25k views, it all depends on the day.

You strip until you’re fully naked and lay down spreading your legs out. You use your fingers to spread your pussy open and tease your clit. George starts to palm himself through his pants. You get out a pink dildo, the men prefer 6-8 inches and bright coloured so you tend to use them but you have a large collection. You get closer to the webcam and lick up the dildo putting it in your mouth and making it wet.

You put it inside you once you’re satisfied with how long you’d been deepthroating it. George pulls his pants and boxers down and touches himself right away, wasting no time. He usually cums twice, it doesn’t take too long for him to get hard after once because he watches the whole show.

You liked doing the show because it is a way to let out all your stress and you have a desirable body that thousands of people want to see and you get generous donations during the livestream and to pay to private message you. You stay up for a few hours after your stream to talk to people because the more you talk the more they spend money on you.

Once you’d cum a few times and filled up the time you end the stream by reminding people about private messages, $5 to talk the whole night. George felt an urge to message you but he decided not tonight, he had to go to work the next day and help Fred with the shop. He took a shower and couldn’t stop thinking about you, he got ready for bed and closed his eyes and realised he couldn’t sleep if he didn’t attempt to message you. It was a couple hours after your show had ended and he decided to message you. You probably get hundreds of messages a night.

Ha pays the money to send a message he types in something simple “Hi, I watch your shows every night” he presses send and waits a bit doing other things, the notification pops up on the corner of his screen and he sees you answered. “Thank you, it means a lot, we haven’t spoken before, have we?” it was polite but George was thrilled you actually answered. He immediately types back “No we haven’t but I’ve been watching for a month now, I never got the courage to even send a live chat until now.”

George stayed up for hours talking to you. You signed off for the night to all the other men in your chats just to talk to him. He seemed like one of the guys who was nice and you were both the same age, he’s 25 as well but you don’t give out your age or actual name. You could pass for younger or older. Every night even when shows weren’t on you’d talk, the more detail you knew about him and the more sexual the conversations were the more you liked him. You’d stay up extra late to talk to him and you found yourself realising you’re getting attached and giving him false hope that you’d meet up one day.

“What’s your real name?” He asks “I can’t tell you, it’s apart of the mystery, besides you haven’t told me your name yet” “I understand and I do prefer not knowing, my name is George just so you know.” Your heart skips a beat and you feel as though you’d been transported back to Hogwarts, you had a huge crush on George Weasley, you didn’t know him well but you fancied him and your friends knew, you had common friends but never became friends. You used to be so shy and that is the one thing you wish you got over sooner so you could become friends with George. As far as you know he’s been doing very well for himself at Weasley’s Wizards Wheezes. You always thought about going in there but thinking about how shy you were makes you feel insecure and shy.

“I love that name, I used to know someone with that name, he was a great person, just like you” you reply “I’ll admit I’m so surprised you’ve been talking to me everyday for a week” “I’ve grown to like you, George.”After talking for another week you couldn’t get him off your mind and you knew that you were in too far.

“I don’t want you to keep paying every night, here’s my number. I trust you enough.” George just assumed you talked to everyone the same as him but you seemed to like him. He saves the number in his phone under Honey.

As the weeks went by, you were talking more than just at night. You became friends and you started to hate that George was calling you Honey. “I wish I could talk to you in person” he types “Why don’t we do it then?” “In person?” “Lets meet up, we can hook up at my place if you’re comfortable” you couldn’t believe you were doing this. “Are you sure? Neither of us know much about each other’s physical appearance, you don’t even know what I look like.” “I don’t care, I’ve fallen for you and we should meet up.” You send him an address to meet up a couple blocks from your house just in case he isn’t as sweet on the internet.

You get there early and stand on the busy street, each man that goes by you get hopeful until you see him, George Weasley standing there looking around for someone. In a matter of seconds everything clicks in your head, you’ve been talking to George Weasley, no wonder you were so in love with this guy you’d just met online. You apparate out of there before he sees you. You get into your apartment and send him a text “I’m so sorry George, I just threw up and I’m not in the mood to see anyone, I hope you know I’m not an asshole.” He texts back almost immediately “I get it, don’t feel bad we can reschedule” “Thank you for understanding.”

The next couple days you ignored his messages and he even tried to contact you on live chat but you wouldn’t message back. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t what you expected, I think I got the message” George knew it seemed weird she would text right as they were supposed to meet, she definitely saw him and ran. Your heart breaks and you feel obligated to message “Are you free right now?” You text back “Why?” “Let’s meet up, same spot and I promise I’ll be there to explain everything” “I’ll be there soon.”

You use magic to clean up your house just in case he isn’t grossed out by you and does want to come back to hook up. You apparate and see he is already there waiting, he seems shocked that you apparated “Honey?” He asks trying to get closer to see your face in the dark. You take a deep breath and get closer to him so he can see your face “Y/n?” “Hi George” “Did you know?” “No, I had no idea until I saw you and got scared so I apparated home.” “What do you think?” “I could ask the same” “I asked you first” “I’ve always fancied you, since about fourth year but I didn’t know you so I didn’t say anything.” “We knew each other just weren’t close” “So what do you think?” “I’ve fancied you since fifth year so I’m happy, I’m shocked though, you were so shy.” “I’m a different person to what I used to be” “I can tell” “So what do you want to do?” “Love, this makes this so much better, let’s go to yours.”

You take his hand and apparate him into your apartment. You help take off his coat and lead him to your bedroom. “Wow, this looks so much cooler in person” “It’s probably because you’ve only seen one wall of the room.” He walks around “Do you want to see the toys?” He nods and you open up a few drawers full of them. “Wow, that’s a lot, do you ever use magic?” “Sometimes if I’m tired of doing it myself but never on camera.”

You make the first move and kiss George, his lips are cold but your warm lips pressed to his feels nice. “Can I undress you?” “Of course, just promise me you won’t treat me differently now you know I’m me” “No way, I get to fuck you on the bed I’ve seen for months, I’m not going to treat you any differently than how I told you I would.” You smile and bite your lip trying to hide your excitement as he discards your clothes.

“You’re just as beautiful in real life” he kisses down your neck to your breasts and sucks on one of your nipples and you let out a whimper, he kisses down your body and hovers above your pussy. “Please George” you moan, he licks from your core up to your clit. He fingers you with two fingers first before sucking on your clit and curling his fingers inside you. Your fingers grasp his soft hair and pull on it while the other grips the side of the bed,

“George! I’m going to cum” you yell and he pounds his fingers into you “Fuck” he pulls his fingers out of you and licks them off. He takes off his shirt and unbuttons his pants while you’re recovering from your high. “I’m ready, I need your cock in me, George” you palm him through his pants and slide a hand into his boxers, jerking him off. He pulls them down “Lay down” you do as he says while he strokes himself a few times before lining himself up with your core.

He slides himself in and groans at the feeling “Fuck” he moans and slowly picks up the pace until he gets used to the feeling. “You’re so fucking tight, Y/n” he pounds himself into you, you feel yourself sink into the mattress with every stroke. Your eyes roll to the back of your head and you let out a loud moan. “So fucking hot” You grip onto his bicep and look into his eyes when you are about to cum. Without saying anything he already knows “Come on, you’re so close” he rubs your clit with his other hand and you finish around him. “Holy shit, feels so good, you’re throbbing on my cock” you feel him finish and he lays beside you.

You lay your head on his chest “Thank you” he says “No, thank you, that was great” “I know you don’t do this for everyone so thanks and if you you did like it and want me to come around again I’ll be happy to.” You kiss his lips “George I want to see you again, a lot more often but also do other things like go to dinner or something.” You wait to see what he will say hoping he will agree. “Are you asking me on a date?” “No im asking you to be my boyfriend” “Really?” He sounds surprised “You don’t have to say yes I was just saying I’d like that” “Yes.”

George was fine with you doing your job, your shoes ever night and private messaging other guys because he knew that’s what you had to do to earn money. If he couldn’t be at your apartment one night he’d just watch your livestream.

#george weasley x y/n #fred and george #george smut #george weasley fluff #george weasley x reader #george weasley x you #george weasley fanfiction #george weasley imagine #george x reader

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gvssdee · 3 years

Text

we can't. | vera farmiga x fem!reader

The town didn't look any different the last time she'd seen it, it was still dark yet somehow full of colors at the same time. A mystery she'd never quite solved, not that she ever had the time to.

Perhaps she could have. [Y/N] thought. Had it not happened. Or rather, had she not happened.

It's been atleast half a year, and most of the people she knew in the town had either fled to another country or are unable to greet her with all their family stuff. Still, she could've appreciated if not a grand welcome— a welcome.

Nonetheless, [Y/N] made her way to the familiar right corner, the house furthest away from others. It was getting prepared to be sold, considering no one— [Y/N]— doesn't live there anymore. She'd left a few important things, though. Hence the comeback.

The repairmen were not present today, and the house couldn't be anymore lonely than it already is. Bummer, [Y/N] thought, she had brought snacks incase there was any present. Huffing a frustrated sigh, [Y/N] placed the bag of food on top of a random furniture covered with a sheet. It was hers back then, it came with the house when she bought it, and it stays with the house regardless she left or not.

30 minutes, [Y/N] had promised herself, 30 minutes and she was going to leave forever. Which was incredibly terrifying. 6 months had passed and yet it still feels as though maybe she left her heart with the house. She thought maybe coming back would fix the hole of unsatisfaction, she thought maybe seeing the house empty and getting repaired for another person to live in would leave her satisfied with her choice.

It didn't.

"And here I thought you were never coming back."

[Y/N] jumped a few feet from the front door, refusing to look back at the person who owned that voice. That familiar, soothing voice. Honestly, it never once not amuse her just how Vera Farmiga's voice calmed her during those times.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." She added, stepping away for a moment before she stopped in her tracks— probably to observe [Y/N] just like how she always do back then. "You look good."

With her eyes still pinned to the closed door of her old house, [Y/N] replied with, "Thanks. Can't say the same to you."

"'Course not when you refuse to look at me."

[Y/N] could feel Vera grin. She suppressed hers, however, not wanting to give Vera any reaction that might signify they were back to being fine— they weren't. And maybe will never be.

"[Y/N]."

"Why are you here?"

"Heard you came by in the town so I... wanted to see you for myself." Vera answers sincerely it almost made [Y/N] lunge at her and kiss her like how she used to. Used to. Times were different now. And the pain Vera caused her still lingered.

"Well you see me now." [Y/N] stated, trying to keep her voice steady and firm. She'd been imagining different ways she'd meet Vera again, and imagined more scenarios enough to keep her from showing any unwanted emotions.

Such as the affection [Y/N] still feels for her.

She sighed at the thought, and came to a conclusion of how coward she must've looked like refusing to see Vera again. But who could blame her? Vera Farmiga had the chance to choose, and she chose him. Despite all their memories in the house, despite all those affectionate looks and touches, all those unspoken words— Vera Farmiga chose Patrick Wilson. Not [Y/N]. And she just needs to remind herself of that as she turned to see the very woman responsible of the pain she's still feeling.

Vera looked... vulnerable and exhausted. She looked thinner, tiny even, and it's only been 6 months. What the hell happened? [Y/N] tried not to react, suppressing any remorse she felt as she looked at Vera.

"Do you want me to go?" Vera asks, voice barely steady. "I just... I never got to apologize to you, is all. And I really just wanted to see you."

"Me too."

It came out of [Y/N]'s mouth too fast before she could even think of it. There's no use crying over a spilled milk, but she mentally slapped herself anyway.

Vera didn't look amused at the response, though, and instead, lets out a pained sigh. "I wanted you. Since from the start. And when you left— I realized I didn't just want you. I needed you. But [Y/N]..." Vera took a step closer, and closer, until [Y/N] could barely think of anything but Vera's warm breath and her awestrucking eyes. Those damned, too good to be true, eyes. "We just can't." It was a whisper, a soft voice pleading for [Y/N] to stay even if her words contradict such pleading.

We just can't.

"I know. I know, Vera." [Y/N] says, her voice breaking each second as she brought her hands up to Vera's face, cupping her cheeks, the anger vanishing as she does. "I missed you."

"I do too. So fucking much I can't help it. I want to run away with you, grow old with you, and perhaps die with you. I want to do that, [Y/N]. I want to do that so bad—"

"But we can't."

"We can't."

Their lovestory had been beautiful. From their clumsy beginning, to their painful ending. And so for the last time, they spent the afternoon together, eating the snacks initially for the missing repairmen and talked.

[Y/N] wasn't afraid of selling the house, no. She was afraid of losing the memories she's made together... with Vera. And as the afternoon passed by, and the moon came lightening up the dark sky; [Y/N] was even more afraid.

"I'm sorry, [Y/N]." Vera started, her eyes fixated on her feet currently swinging to and fro. The couple were on the balcony, the view of the town visible enough for them to admire. "I should've chosen you."

"Yeahh," [Y/N] pursues her lips. "I'm so mad how easily I can forgive you. You do know that I came back into the town telling myself no way am I ever going to do so?"

Vera lets out a hearty chuckle; it was when she scrunches her nose and closes her eyes too adorably for [Y/N] to even comprehend.

It died out eventually, and her face shifted to a sad expression, "I'm so selfish for that. I knew how hurt you would be, yet I still chose him. But deep down, I would always choose you. Even until now. I was just so afraid that time."

"And now?"

"I still am."

[Y/N] wanted to be mad at her, to confront her just how coward she is. But seeing Vera like this; in pain, unable to make a choice she wants to choose, [Y/N] can't be. Vera looked emotionally and physically hurt, just the same as [Y/N] and if not, even more.

"I love you so much, you know?" Vera confesses, biting her bottom lip. "I love you so much I almost can't bear the pain to see you leave again."

Her lover stared thoughtfully at her, and smiled reassuringly. "I will never not love you too, Vera."

[Y/N] sealed their goodbyes with a kiss, and Vera held her lover once more in her arms knowing this was going to be the last time she'll ever see [Y/N]. And that thought just breaks every inch of her. But it had to be done.

In this kind of world, love can't win. Not even the greatest love of all time. [Y/N] stayed for awhile, letting Vera be the one to walk away. Letting herself feel the same way Vera did when she was the one to do so. And as Vera disappeared from her sight, [Y/N] set her mind in winning their love in their second life. If there ever was.

#fanfic #imagine your otp #prompts #reader insert #writing #vera farmiga #aloe vera #lmaooo #lorraine warren #lorraine warren x reader #vera farmiga x reader #hurt/comfort #hurt comfort #hurt no comfort #angst #fluff #lesbian #sapphic #wlw

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vidalinav · 3 years

Text

Because You’re an Asshole (One-shot)

Contains ACOSF Spoilers.

Look, Cassian needs to drink some respect Nesta Archeron juice (as they all do). I hope to god he gains some perspective in this book, and he doesn’t continue this stupidity of reducing Nesta to butchery status. (Raises glass) Here’s hoping this lug nut starts making an effort. But this fic is purely self-indulgent because well... I’m the fic writer. So I can do what I want.

Summary: Nesta rejects Cassian in front of the Inner Circle (Takes place in my head a couple of months after first 6 chapters)

Nesta wouldn’t say she had changed much, but to her sister and their group of friends she’d say she might as well have been a different person. For they pretended not to stare as she arrived with Cassian in tow. Some extraterrestrial creature in the middle of a restaurant.

She greeted the owner, Sevenda, lifting her lips into a polite smile and nodding when she caught Nesta’s gaze.

“Hello, sweet girl,” The female gushed, “I didn’t think you were helping out today... please don’t tell me one of the others conned you into taking their shift.”

Nesta shook her head shyly as Cassian told the female they were meeting the rest of them for a late dinner. Sevenda kissed him on the cheek, and Nesta wondered how one person could show so much affection when she could barely muster a proper laugh.

Truthfully, the only reason she made it to this dinner at all was because Bryaxis had asked her to. He’d been in the middle of telling her how the stars moved on an axis, and how the shadows were often wandering souls. He had so many stories to tell in that dark place in the library, but he’d wanted stories too. He was persistent, pushy…persuasive and Nesta could not let down her new friend when all he wanted to do was know about the outside world.

Nesta knew enough about being ostracized. She felt for the monster for she was a monster too. Cast away to the darkened ends of the library.

But, Nesta wanted this night to be over. She’d promised Bryaxis ten minutes and ten minutes only. She could survive that long on fake grins.

She tried not to sigh audibly as Sevenda showed them to the table, where the others already sat. Laughing loudly... then quieting to silence as they neared.

Nesta should have felt offended. But she couldn’t find it in herself to care too much.

The night would be over soon enough anyways.

True, Amren had visited her in the library just last week and they’d been cordial. She saw Mor on a regular basis to winnow to Windhaven, and Azriel was always there. It seemed odd to her now that they stared as if she were someone new. Someone they didn’t know at all.

Perhaps, though, it was because she’d agreed to come in the first place and when she did, she’d allowed Cassian to accompany her there. Though she suspected the offer was more because they were all still wary of her change, her calmness.

Nesta wouldn’t have called it that herself.

She hadn’t stopped being angry, she’d been born angry. Raged and kicked her way to this world.

Nesta just merely stopped... fighting back.

There was a peace in that, she supposed. Even if the thought sometimes made her want to hurt something and then herself for letting it happen.

Most of the time she was just detached enough to smile when someone called her name and when they left she’d go back to staring off into space, the dust like hidden galaxies floating through the filtered sunlight. It was what Nesta liked about the library in truth. That most didn’t bother her when she’d looked out the array of windows, up on those tall ladders, ready to see Velaris in a tiny frame.

In this way, the world was a lot smaller than she’d realized.

Less frightening.

And because the world was less frightening, the people in it, too, were less mean. She’d wandered after her workday, tired, but with a furious curiosity for more, like a hunger she couldn’t satisfy, and she’d ended up here. At Sevenda’s--the female greeting her and offering her a meal, even when Nesta told her she didn’t have the money to pay.

On the house then, the female said.

It was the best meal she’d ever had and Nesta had come back every time she could. Helping with the books, with inventory, while the owner patted her on the shoulder, her cheek, and brought her something new to try. Like a doting grandmother.

It felt odd, she thought seeing the rest in a large booth to the wall. This place, too, did not belong to her...

“No need to order,” the female proclaimed, “I know what you all like.”

Nesta waited for Cassian to scooch into the booth before she sat on the outskirts. Easy access to the door. Easy to leave.

But the others didn’t bother her much. Distantly, as if Nesta was not in the room, she could hear their voices begin again. To each other of course. Never to her. Though she’d accepted it long ago that she would never be what they wanted. They would never be what she needed.

Cassian laughed. The sound hurting her ears. He never laughed like that with her. Nesta supposed she wasn’t that funny… and she wasn’t really his friend.

Instead, Nesta looked to the restaurant. Alive in all it’s glory. Loud and bright. She looked to the waitstaff. Most of them she’d met already, worked with some of them, and they smiled or waved when they saw her. Nesta lifted her hand to greet them, too.

One of the girls, Amina, brought out waters for the table.

Amina grinned when she saw her there.

But she did not leave when the cups had been set. Instead, she lingered, lowering her voice and leaning towards her. “We’re going to the symphony tomorrow if you want to come.”

“And you must come,” Sevenda said, coming from behind with a plate of appetizers in her hand. Something to tide them over.

Nesta blinked at the two females, unsure of what to say—what to do.

“I’ve never been to symphony before,” Nesta answered.

Sevenda set the bread in the middle of the table, and then raised a hand to her chest dramatically. “You’ll just adore it. Grand tales, handsome males, intriguing music all around. Perhaps, I’ll gather more of the staff and we’ll make a whole day of it.”

Nesta shook her head, waving her hands slightly. “You’re pretty busy, you don’t have to—”

“Nonsense, sweet girl,” She said, raising a hand to Nesta’s cheek. She could feel the warmth on her face. “Nobody would be too busy for you.”

Nesta smiled at that, a testament to how much she had changed that she’d allowed the touch and a triumph at how Nesta felt something other than nothing at all.

“I’ll be right back,” Sevenda noted chipperly. “Eat some bread.”

As the female left, Nesta didn’t want to look at the rest of the group, didn’t want to see how they would judge her, didn’t want to see if she cared or not. They’d meant to heal her. Did they think they were successful?

Cassian gazed down at her, his eyes uncommonly fond. All Nesta thought was that she was probably not embarrassing any longer.

She wondered if seeing her tolerated by others made him realize that she was tolerable.

Because, Nesta had not been tolerable to him this morning.

“You know, we can go to the symphony,” Cassian suggested, the apples of his cheeks blooming a dust of red. Nesta’s brows furrowed at the words. Her lips tilting down into an expression that might have been quizzical. "Some time... together I mean.”

Nesta looked at the others, but it seemed they were trying not to snicker, or they were too curious at what she would do. Rhysand tried to hide his smirk, Azriel held onto the bridge of his nose, Mor raised a brow as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing, Amren took a sip of wine, rolling her eyes, and Feyre... well Feyre looked to her.

Say something, her eyes seemed to say.

But Nesta went to gaze at the people around her, happy and conversing at their own tables. The noise a rum drum lur of heartbeats and shouts and quiet whispers of some things she’d never be able to listen to even if she tried to read their lips.

This was... life, she thought. A cacophony of angry yells and laughter.

She’d almost forgotten what it sounded like...

But it wasn’t because of him that she could now recognize the notes. A song Nesta desperately wanted to hear. It wasn’t because of them at this table... and Nesta wondered what made Cassian suggest this. In front of his friends.

Did he think she would not easily reject him?

Didn’t he know she was a private person?

“Cassian, what’s my favorite color?”

He simply blinked, surprised by her words. She waited for his answer, but it never came.

Nesta continued.

“What’s my favorite drink?” She asked.

Still Cassian said nothing.

“What time do I usually get up in the morning? It’s certainly not the time I’m forced to train with you.”

Cassian didn’t answer and instead of it making her angry, it just made her irrevocably sad.

“How about... my favorite book?”

“You’ve read so many how could you choose,” he said. Nesta huffed a laugh.

She’d read the same book for the past three months because she couldn’t stand to open a new one. There was something about the familiarity that comforted her and the thought of meeting new characters, entering new worlds scared her for reasons she was only beginning to understand. That book had been sitting in the living room every morning. Every night.

Nesta leaned forward, her cheek resting on her palm. The action made her breasts push up in her dress and she noticed the way his eyes lingered on them.

“No?” She asked, somberly, shaking her head. “How about the food I hate. The thing I’m most scared of. Excited about... Nothing?”

Nesta waved her hand, her voice growing louder, “I mean I know you know how little I eat, how bad I fight, how much weight I’ve lost. You’re very good about reminding me. But do you know... where I even go in the evenings?”

She looked down wrinkling her nose as she huffed a laugh, “You know I get nightmares every night... you must hear them in that room above mine.” She pointed to Azriel. “He does. He asked me about them once. I think I told him some lie or another... but have you ever asked? Have you even asked how I’ve been doing? How I feel? You certainly didn’t ask whether I wanted to train with you but of course that was settled fairly quickly.”

She took a deep breath, waiting for him to speak but he didn’t. Nesta fiddled with her napkin, unfolding it and then looked to the ceiling. She could see the dust float around the rounded lights.

“You know I hate to do this in front of your friends,” She lifted a hand in their direction, looking to Cassian once more. “I’m sure they have such high opinions of you. Their opinions of me, of course, are already very low. A bitch, I’m assuming is what I’ll be called today. Probably, to make your pride feel a little bit better. A little less wounded... Maybe they’ll believe it themselves too, because well,” Nesta shrugged, “the evidence is already there. It’s the nature of the circumstances I suppose.”

“It’s rather funny I think,” though Nesta didn’t laugh. “You don’t know anything about me. You want to go on a date?”

She lifted her hands up. Innocence personified. “I mean I’m assuming that what’s you meant by us going together to the symphony. We’re clearly not close enough to presume a casual friendly outing and everyone in this room and their mothers know we have some sort of history or they wouldn’t ask about it every time they see me or whisper it when they see us together.”

She smiled, her cheeks straining from the pull. “But for all that history... you know nothing about me. Instead, you have confused your emotions for ‘I’m sure she’s such a good fuck.’ Was it the boobs, the ass? The face maybe? I get that all the time.” Nesta gestured to the room around them, aware that she was making a scene, “Ask anyone of these males who’ve slept with me, I’m sure you’ll find one at any given moment...”

She clasped her hands together, crossing her legs as if she were holding a business meeting. Nesta raised a shoulder. “But at least they didn’t pretend. When they wanted to sleep with me, well... they just said they wanted to sleep with me. Unfortunately, if that’s what you want, you’ll have to buy me a drink first because I’ll have to be much drunker than this.”

Nesta leaned back in her seat. She couldn’t stop fidgeting, like the adrenaline had made her want to fight. She inhaled audibly, a low sound, exhaling lightly.

Cassian looked ashamed.

She tilted her head at that expression, feeling much calmer already.

“Look. As much I hate to admit this, a strict routine has done me some good. Maybe that’s why I can speak these words so truthfully,” Nesta said, her voice casual. “But do not ever think I have forgotten that I am as much a prisoner in my own body that I am in the House of Wind. I have little choice in anything regarding my life, even before this war. But this... I can choose this.”

Nesta refused to look at the rest of them as she lifted a hand to her neck, rubbing the muscle, suddenly tired and achy. “Not only have you bombarded my life in ways I didn’t expect nor ask for, you consistently touch me without my permission, get into my space when I am uncomfortable, push me when I am irritated. Why would I want to go out with you—A male who does not respect me?”

“I hope you didn’t think that me healing or whatever you called it,” She gestured away, “meant we’d be together... Time has already changed, unfortunately. Without us knowing it has slipped us by. Drifted right through our fingers...” She took a breath, staring at the lights on the ceiling. “We’re different people now...”

Nesta looked him straight in the eyes. Willed him to listen to her, really listen. “I won’t wait 500 years for you. I want more.” She shrugged, the light of Cassian’s eyes dimming. “I want better.”

She picked up her things, piling the plates and cup on top of each other. Making sure the napkin was neatly folded. Nesta swallowed, the heaviness setting in. She peered up at Cassian, his hair wild, stray pieces falling out from the leather band. His eyes bright and a hollow amber. “I want you to know that it isn’t because you’re a bastard. I’m sure you’ll think that when you go over this conversation later. But I’m not rejecting you because you’re a bastard... It’s because you’re an asshole.”

Nesta stood up to leave, but Cassian grabbed her hand. She peered down at him. He’d always been taller than her. It seemed odd to see him so small.

“What about me? You don’t know anything about me either.”

Nesta laughed, a small, short sound. “Your favorite color is red.”

Mor’s favorite color, too.

“Your favorite food? Stew, because it reminds you of Illyria. You’re scared of thunder, because it makes you think of your wings being shredded, or at least that’s what you told Azriel when you didn’t think I was paying attention. You like to drink whiskey when something bad happens, but rum when you're celebrating, and you have nightmares too. I suspect they’re probably the same as mine.”

She smiled at him, a melancholic tilt of her lips for those bittersweet memories—for those bittersweet dreams. Cassian looked dejected and she wanted to smooth away the lines with her fingers, but she’d been hurt for far too long from far too many people who’d promised they protect her, so Nesta clenched her fists instead.

“I’m glad we had this chat today.” She looked around the table, grimacing as she tried to smile. The others looked to her as if they were seeing her for the first time. This girl who’d calmy told the commander to go fuck himself. “Please don’t invite me to anymore of these.”

And with that Nesta left, nodding a farewell to Sevenda, coming out with a large tray of food. Two minutes and she was already making her way out the door.

You know these really make me feel better about everything I have to process. But I am so tired, because I can’t sleep waiting for this book. So is this fic good? I don’t know. I can barely read it through.

But I keep ranting, like everyday.

So, one rant=one mini fic

lol so now I have to go write the Nesta sticks up for Cassian fic (which is different than I think you’ll think it is) My work performance is really going to go down this week. But at least this one is uwu status (i.e. fluff--mostly)

Bye.

#acosf spoilers #nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #acosf #nessian fanfiction

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