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little-sleepy-owl · 1 day

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𝐀𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫,

who is a virgin and wants him to be their first. gender neutral, not so much explicit, but still smutty, as usual. Alastor is his own warning. kinda.

this one took me a while for several reasons. mostly because life is a bitch, but also because it was a really hard piece to write. I'm asexual myself and this is heavily self-indulgent. I wanted to maintain this treat of his, but still explore the sexual aspect of the relationship and the way asexual people might participate in it. so... yeah. proceed with understanding of this.

oh? so, you're just like him.

the only one who is not surprised whatsoever. isn't it supposed to be that way?

though there are a lot of vulgar people around. he might even praise you for keeping your chastity for so long.

but… becoming your first?

“Truly, my dear? That's quite the favor to ask a gentleman!”

it's less about being repulsed by the idea of intimacy (it doesn't sound bad if it's with you) and more about not wanting to step into a completely uncharted territory.

that's a first for him too, after all.

give him time. he needs to research some things before he's ready to try.

a week or two later he suddenly appears out of the shadows in your room with loud static noises, scaring the shit out of you, and announces that he would be very pleased to take the offer!!

hooray..? (please come out from under the bed, darling.)

now, just like Husk, he is an old-fashioned man. for him, this could only happen after a nice date.

he prefers a simple stroll around the city arm in arm, and having some coffee with you.

you can sense that he's a tad nervous, but also deeply thrilled. his posture is a little stiff while walking, ears, usually unmoving, twitch slightly here and there. it's cute.

you also notice he's more physically intimate with you today than usual. sitting a bit closer to you and leaning in subtly, so you can feel his warmth. gently covering your hand with his own. reaching to fix your hair, touch feather-like and making your heart pound in your chest.

none of it is sexual in any way, but the difference in his demeanor doesn't let you forget your plans for the night even for a moment.

judging by the sly curve of his smile and very attentive gaze, this is one hundred percent intentional.

inclined to take you into his own room after the date. if you're not against the living forest in the background.

(I suggest you accept the offer. fireflies would be a very romantic addition to your night.)

he needs to talk things out first.

“Let's discuss some rules of our… little arrangement.”

the rules are quite simple, although you might find them odd.

he will not take all his clothes off. especially not the lower part. pants stay on no matter what.

his hands, his mouth? all for your pleasure, darling. no limitations here.

and maybe, if you behave yourself and ask nicely… his shadows, too, can participate.

he merrily refuses to elaborate on what “behaving” means for him exactly. it's simply more fun that way, isn't it?

jacket tossed inside, sleeves rolled up. honestly speaking, it already feels too revealing. you don't think you ever saw so much of his arms or his neck before.

he is in a white shirt today, clean and pure, like the snow on the mountaintop. pristine even.

you never saw this, either.

he follows your gaze and his smile turns a little unsettling. you shiver, suddenly feeling like you are the one who's exposed here, even though you haven't taken off anything yet.

“No blood to stain it today, my dear,” he coos, adjusting the shirt slightly. oh, so usually he wears red for–

you don't want to continue this thought right now.

he's very insistent on undressing you by himself.

he uncovers you like you're his birthday cake in a cute present box. slowly removing every ribbon, carefully taking off the wrapping, anticipating what's underneath.

his hands are cold, but his eyes are heated, even somewhat hungry. and so, so intent.

he drinks on your every shiver, on the way your lips parts ever so slightly to let out a small gasp, on the goosebumps that run on your skin, when he leans in to nibble on your pretty neck, right beside the quicked throbbing of your pulse.

he hums an old tune, seemingly lost in exploration of your body and the way you respond to his touch.

he's eager to learn and very observant. he changes the pace the moment he notices you feeling uncomfortable. he discovers what makes you respond well and uses the knowledge without any shame.

but he also does very much love you telling him what you want him to do with that cute trembling voice of yours.

that's what eventually earns you the shadows taking part in the whole fun. if this is something you desire.

if you weren't satisfied before, you most certainly are now.

expect him to restrain you. he likes to see you squirming under his touch, unable to set the pace. he does everything deliberately slow, so you would beg him to give you more and do it faster.

he's very controlling in general, and although he takes into account what you want, he will also act on his own whim.

it honestly seems that he likes teasing and tormenting you to see your reactions much more than the physical aspect of it all.

humor him, and he will reward you accordingly.

but don't let him get too lost in it. he has a tendency to forget that you're not merely a toy to play with.

set some boundaries and you'll be alright.

once you both decide it's enough, he's a thoughtful gentleman again, bringing a glass of water for you, and helping you clean yourself up.

will let you rest your head on his lap, gentle light of fireflies surrounding you.

he sings a shooting melody, letting you peacefully drift off to sleep.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x reader #romantic/sexual

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amnignsity · 1 day

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Feverish

Seo Changbin x GenderNuetral! Reader

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.꒰ᐢ⸝⸝•༝•⸝⸝ᐢ꒱⸒⸒₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

MDI??!

Contains: Obsessed!Lovesick!Changbin, Begging, Pleading, Angst, One-sided love, Toxic relationship, slightly gore descriptions like blood, throat cut+ings, k!llings.

No specific Gender reveal on reader ¦].

Also this is kinda like one scene then moving onto to the other scenes - basically recalling the past events.

╰┈➤ "Please keep touching me like that..."

Changbin pleaded as he grasps onto your hand - holding it against his face as he leans onto your divine touch. It scorched him so bad, it felt so toxic and you both know it was, he can't help in midst of his needs get feverish against the feeling of your forced endearment towards him.

On his knees while he looked up at you standing in front of him as he gives you those gazes - his eyes so glossy and big filled with longing and loving that you couldn't help but let yourself maybe give in once more. He was obsessed.

Obsessed with the ways your hands linger every inched of his body, Obsessed with the way your eyes locked onto his whilst you straddle him from above, Obsessed with the way your kisses - the taste of your lips was permanent against his tongue.

He couldn't help but see you and only you as his only one true love. But was really love? Or just his need for a taste of surveillance? You wondered while you looked down upon his laying figure. Eyes thats filled with tears looking at you with such solicit as he begged for another caress of your hand against his skin.

"Please...I beg of you...."

He let's out a sob as your hands wonder all over his sensitive body - filled with your lip marks and bites, he wished for them to be permanent. Not wanting for such blessings to dissappear. Using him as your gazette and your tongue being the biro that leaves those aching marks that he's so captivated by that even his own passion for music, the rhythms and melodies can no longer strive through his obsession.

You cursed yourself as you give in to him once more, glancing up as his eyes met your intense look filled with desire and sorrow. He couldn't help but only feel the slightest of grief whilst he allows himself to drift off to the pleasure only you can give him.

So vulnerable and submissive underneath your touches.

You boy filled with aching need and passion,

have yet to learn control.

"Please for only a minute more...Allow me to get drunk off just an ounce of your affection, my love..." He pleads like an broken record as you grabbed the handles of your suitcases.

He kneels down hugging you by your waist as he looked up with such a broken gaze - a tear drips down his face while letting out a sniffle. His hold was like iron shackles wanting you to stay forever in his own twisted world filled with toxicity and abuse.

No he doesn't hurt you - he will never for if he does he will slit his own throat knowing that the one he calls his, has a graze a single bruise or an ounce of hurt withering in their heart shall he be judged to a death sentence.

But he couldn't help but beg and plead for you to stay as he could barely breathe in a lonely solitary - filled with unwanted thoughts and feelings only you could fight away and vanish from just a second of your presence.

"It's for the best, Changbin..." You uttered as you removed his hold and left his house, yours and his house that he worked hard for. He looks at you with such agony letting the tears drip down like the blood that had drip down his nose due to excessive exhaustion and sleepless nights just wondering and withering on his bed when you both got into your first fight.

Oh how bad it destroyed him when he caused you such sufferings you didn't deserve...

He was obsessed with you. To the point that even death couldn't kill this sort of passion within him. He'd shed his own blood if needed...

He would even let his hands be painted in red, tainting his fair skin with such a disgusting and vile color if you ordered him to do so...

He'll get you back even if it means till the ends of the earth.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Author's note: So I haven't really been doing angst stuff despite what my name actually stands for - so yea¦]...

Anyways I didn't really have a large thinking process with this although maybe I could boyfriend scenarios with this type of Changbin - and yes he is a pillow prince in this.

This is what my original writting style kinda looks like.

ᯓᡣ𐭩Mxlist°

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dreamlogic · 1 year

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i keep trying to uninstall gender but society keeps forcing mandatory updates that won't let me completely remove the program from my device, so instead i have to settle for just going into settings and removing all permissions & silencing notifications regularly. wish there was an Opt Out button. this gender shit starting to feel like tumblr live & i just gotta keep snoozing it weekly for the rest of my life

#coming out to new coworkers and the results have been overwhelmingly more positive than my last job!#prev job just. ignored my pronouns & refused to acknowledge my transness at all #present job i got abt 50/50 'oh ok cool' & 'oh ok cool but this is v new to me so please be patient if i mess it up'#there's clearly some people who read me as a cis man and it's v hard for them to think of me as anything else #& i'm like bro i'm just a person with a body don't think too hard about it #anyways in this metaphor the computer keeps defaulting me to male as the closest approximation #and i just have to keep reminding it that my man-shaped camouflage is just a performance #there's no gender underneath it's just me #being he/him'd doesn't make me dysphoric im just like 'yeah i guess that's an easy mistake to make. carry on'#like i did spend 10+ yrs & thousands of $ to ensure when ppl inevitably gender me (as most can't help doing subconsciously) they lean masc #so it's not wrong per se #but it doesn't give me the euphoria/relief/comfort of just. not being gendered at all.#ctxt #meatsuit renno

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fromtheseventhhell · 9 days

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I also find it funny that fandom will only accept Lyanna being her non-conforming, wild self in the context of saying that Arya isn't meant to be pretty; Any other day we get back-to-back posts about how Lyanna is actually super traditionally feminine cause she sniffled at a song once, so she's actually more like Sansa. Instead of constantly speaking on Arya and Lyanna, how about you guys reflect on why your standards of beauty for women are attached to how well they perform feminity within the patriarchy?

#lyanna stark #arya stark #asoiaf #/Lyanna isn't actually pretty she was a wild tomboy/ Those two things are not mutually exclusive 😭#how you look is not a reflection of your personality and this is also a running theme within the story #we have morally good characters who are ugly and morally bad characters who are beautiful this is like...kindergarten level #Lyanna is idealized in terms of her personality hence /you saw her beauty but not the iron underneath/#and Ned correcting Robert when he said Lyanna wouldn't have shamed him like Cersei had #he's a very shallow misogynistic character and I truly doubt he would've been as attached to the idea of her without surface level beauty #reminds me of people saying that Olivia Hussey is a bad fancast for them because she has a /doll like/ beauty and they're /rougher/ 😭#as though their entire facial structure magically changed once they realized they enjoyed playing with swords instead of sewing sdksdkdsksd #it's giving that one tiktok with the /cat pretty vs doe pretty vs bunny pretty/#even if you wanted to make the case that her beauty is idealized in her death we get Arya described a pretty multiple times?#idk it's just so wild to me to use personality as an indication of looks it just sounds so stupid #Arya/Lyanna can still have /delicate/ features (which is extremely subjective) and still have a wild personality #how about we acknowledge that the perception of both of them is warped by strict patriarchal gender norms instead?#some real analysis just to shake things up idk

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uncanny-tranny · 9 months

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Person whose gender was directed by Todd Howard and published by Bethesda

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #trans meme #as in: it is janky and very bugged and sometimes your gender is just... a guy under the world map with a train car as a hat #and the guy is currently running underneath the map so people can ride inside his little train hat 😭😭#i don't even care that todd howard wasn't directly responsible for that; he may as well be atp 😭#todd howard you've done it again #and finding out that the voice lines in oblivion were done in ALPHABETICAL ORDER broke me #(i understand the game was a HUGE endeavor back in 2006 but it still is funny to me okay)#my skyrim husband who lives with me still addresses me as a customer. the grind NEVER. STOPS. 💪🙏#and every so often i'll talk to him and he'll say 'THE SKY IS SO DARK... WHAT DOES IT MEAN 😰'

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darkwood-sleddog · 1 year

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me watching younger folk glorify the early 2000s like:

#not dogs #don't get me wrong i do love the loose pants coming back again bc i get to layer leggings underneath them and be warm #AND considered stylish #but it sucked for body acceptance and gender acceptance and sexuality acceptance amongst. other hells. and horrors.#sorry i have insomnia so my inner thoughts are just.#watching people call it a 'simpler time' and cringing bc like.#no time is simple. no era is simple.

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fogwitchoftheevermore · 5 months

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decided to rewatch oli's christmas song stream from last year and remind me again why the fuck oli/sausage is a rarepair again. he sings no less than five romantic songs about sausage (admittedly two of those are just different versions of santa, baby). one of them is him and sausage singing baby it's cold outside together. oli literally left heaven to find this man. what. what am i seeing that everyone else isn't hello.

#space rambles #sorry every once and a while i have to get ill about them again #remind me of this post when it's actually closer to christmas #and maybe ill write/draw something inspired by them singing it's cold outside actually #more likely draw but idk we'll see what i'm feeling #i do genuinely love this stream even though by GOD sausage cannot hold a tune #oli's great as always though #also in the two different versions of santa baby oli says “ive been an awful good boy” and “ive been an awful good girl” so like. gender wi #slight revision he technically sings FOUR songs about sausage #because he sings last christmas at two points and the first time around he goes:#“this year to save me from tears ill give it to someone special (sausage)”#the second time around it's eddie because. of course it is.#and also tbh i think the second time around he is??? maybe singing last christmas about sausage?????#they broke up in the like 30 minutes in between the two versions #ANOTHER EDIT. IT WAS FIVE SONGS (can you tell im just listening to the music again)#the “underneath the misletoe” bit in “all i want for christmas is you” is also followed by him going “sausage”#he's normal

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hear-its-whiskering-there-again · 1 year

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i loooove having a weird secret gender

#my brain is literally so different from how i present #masc and fem mean nothing to me anymore bc when i wear skirts i feel like the weird little guy #republicans talk about when they get confused about how the leftists are taking over their kids with hair dye and tall socks #and when i wear blazers and button downs i am like a slutty little #celebrity on the red carpet that gives kids gay awakenings and makes grandparents gossip #bc seriously the biggest revelation i had during my gender crisis moment was that dressing androgynous meant dressing like a man #my gender is like a labyrinth underneath willow trees during sunset that has a bunch of really cool shadows and i am jarreth the goblin king #ticking down the clock until people actually respect my pronouns #but then im also just some dude who has bad posture and really likes music with string instruments #side note my gender goal is actually just to sound like the singer of måneskin and destroy boys specifically in make room #but that is it #i travel the labyrinth while others are still discovering the entrance #so ummm yeah!!!#potential start of a poem or a short story for english but then again my teacher keeps talking about the rules of grammar when it comes to #they them #tee hee!!

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eebie · 9 months

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we are deconstructing gender on Google docs tonight boys

#this is stupid LMAO im annotating stuff from a guy from liek the 1400s who prolly didnt even give a shit #when he wrote that In the spirit realm the concept of gender is nebulous at BEST #if not just totally absent #he was like.. ya spirit beings change their genders all the time They switch tey can be combinations they can be nothing #reading that like Hemm…. well 1 big belief Thats held in christianity is that people are spirit beings underneath all the flesh #so what does that mean for the people who are dead set on Sex Organs determining peoples personalities ? idk. makes you think #gender means jack shit basically.#a lot of people raised male tend to behave in certain ways Not because of their sex but because of expectations And norms #and same with people raised female #and that shit goes alll the way back 2 the stone age #obligatory Nothing wrong w falling into gender stereotypes if its stuff u genuinely like!!^_^#anyways i rambled #i would have rambled more if tumblr wasnt trying to kill itself as i was typing #my rambles #my little peewee brain is sometimes capable of coherent thought But calling this coherent migjt be a stretch #bc im hardly in any mind 2 decide if im making sense . its like a fuckin echo chamber up in my brain N every echo becomes more n more warpd #until it eventually sounds normal 2 me ^_^ but when i voice it. the. suddenly i realize Wow thats fucked!#which is why. i usually keep my mouth shut !!!#but thats also bad .real bad If ur opinions always go unchallenged you may as well not even have them #should alwayd know Why you think what u do

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mechawolfie · 1 year

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is there an alternative to dykefag/fagdyke for people who aren’t attracted to anyone really. like i just want the gender of it

#smudgy.txt #i hate gender its so confusing #yes i want to be seen as a man. im not one but i want to be seen as one #growing up i felt gender envy for girls that looked like boys AND boys that looked like girls. i wanted to be them so bad #nonbinary doesnt feel right man feels like too much woman feels like too little #girl was the white sheet with eyes cut out i wore my whole life & now im trying to remove the sheet but #going full on to Guy feels like im just putting on another damn sheet #nonbinary too #xenogender feels the best but i couldnt tell u what flavor #i feel. divine. like space. holy #i look at myself in the mirror & feel. lost? like im looking at something that shouldnt be there #when i see other black trans men who've been on T i want to cry bc the thought i could be like them feels like home #but right now i feel like a formless thing some creature that used to float in space before being #forcibly pulled down to earth by fate. or gravity #i feel like i should have claws and horns and sharp teeth and a tail #i also feel like ppl should default to calling me Sir #while deep down i smirk bc i know a secret they dont: underneath the skin is a nebula. a canyon. a coral reef. a forest fire. idfk #its late & im tired & i should be getting ready for bed but instead im letting my brain wander (bad idea!!!!!)#& dysphoria is making gender feelings consume me. pouts

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drbtinglecannon · 2 years

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I really wanted to cosplay Barok for a con I'm going to in July (first con I'll be going to in...geez like. 4yrs at least?) but it has only now occurred to me that it'll be hot as balls in that outfit. So. Back to square one lol

#personal #barok my poor little meow meow #i want your clothes & height & gender but also thats too much for july itll be like 80 degrees. esp cuz i wanted to do a muscle suit #underneath to give definition like being as muscular as him but uh. lol #so now im debating if still tgaa gina or maria or kazuma but specifically no uni jacket just slutty suspenders exposed look.#or if cosplaying will be too much hassle & to just skip it lol. cosplaying was always so much money & exhausting #or maybe casual no coat sleeves rolled up herlock would be fun. or maybe eda from toh cuz shes super hot. who knows not me lol

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assassincraft · 2 years

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「⑆」 tags 「⑆」

「⑆」 stupid perverted chicken octopus 🐙 koro sensei 「⑆」

「⑆」 semi senioritis 🔫 karma 「⑆」

「⑆」 pseudo takaoka 💣 terasaka 「⑆」

「⑆」 forever flat 🎬 kayano 「⑆」

「⑆」 it’s good to know he didn’t die for nothing 🗡️ teacher verse 「⑆」

「⑆」 that kid who pulled the trigger knew tomorrow couldn’t promise him hope ㊙️ assassin!au 「⑆」

「⑆」 i have everything in front of me but can’t reach far enough 🗡️ starter call 「⑆」

「⑆」 i’m holding onto your wreckage 🗡️ drabbles 「⑆」

「⑆」 gender 🗡️ animated 「⑆」

「⑆」 fault lines started forming underneath all of your floorboards 🗡️ self promo 「⑆」

「⑆」 oneul bam uri freaky freaky hae yea ☠️ shitposts 「⑆」

「⑆」 i know that i failed you woke up in a sweat 🗡️ musings 「⑆」

「⑆」 i’m losing track of who the good guys are supposed to be 💔 karma x nagisa 「⑆」

「⑆」 kinda’ just counted on him to turn me into goo 🧡 maehara x nagisa 「⑆」

「⑆」 sensei target on !! 🗡️ head canons 「⑆」

「⑆」 it’s deteriorating and your memory started fading 🗡️ ask memes 「⑆」

「⑆」 the ice is closing in and nothing will remain 🍫 mello & nagisa 「⑆」

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atlaswav · 4 months

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DEVOUR ME ♢

INFO: 1741 words, itoshi rin x gn! reader SYNOPSIS: Rin had never known how to love, and what wouldn't serve him any purpose, he needed to devour - but how was he to devour a concept? Conversely, love may devour him. WARNINGS: uh kissing (LMAO), suggestion of alcohol consumption (reader literally holds a bottle of beer in her hand tf), gorey language and metaphors AUTHOR'S NOTE: uh yeah this is a product of 2(.5) insomniac nights and some delusions pls don't make fun of the emo monologue at the end I swear I tried. edit: rereading this I realised that the ending does not match the vibe of the start of the fic AT ALL but i'm too lazy to change it so good luck have fun be nice pls (likes and reblogs are so appreciated i will love u forever)

Love was a concept that eluded Rin’s realm of understanding. He never understood it, and likely never would. He’d seen it – the mimesis of it – all around him, but there was no telling the scorn that lay underneath each smile, each furtive glance, each word of affirmation that fluttered about aimlessly.

Rin Itoshi is a cynic. He doesn’t believe, he never believes. He simply knows. He didn’t believe in love, not when it had betrayed him before, and he was a man that learned from his mistakes. He had no time to be wasted on salvaging the wreckage of his relationship with his brother, he knew that it was beyond his power. What had failed him, he would destroy – the world had no need for something as tepid and fallible as this – but how was he to destroy a concept? Intangible, yet looming and defiant, echoing throughout the world, entangling itself with rationality, parasitic in its own Sisyphean way.

Rin Itoshi wanted to devour love as he had the other obstacles obstructing his vengeful path. Yet unlike his conquests in vanquishing pests that shrouded his success, devouring love did not move him. It did not grant him the same satisfaction it did when he crushed his opponents and rivals, it would not crumble beneath him and succumb to his superiority.

There was no way to best love, yet he found himself wanting to devour it more than he knew. The genius knew that it wasn’t within the realm of possibility, and yet he never thought that he’d wind up as the one love would feast upon.

He would’ve never understood love if it weren’t for you.

You, an impenetrable wall of reason and rationality to his egotistical mindset that simply wanted to take and take and take. He prided himself on his restraint and reason, yet when it came to you, he became a madman.

Hence, you became his paradox. The being of all reason, yet the sole catalyst of his undoing. Your voice became the siren’s echo of his dreams, your whispering touch became the blessed curse that he wished upon himself.

“Rin!” He barely had time to register your presence before you tackled him into a hug, smothering him in your arms. Your scent was hypnotic – clinging to your hair, your clothes – as he breathed you in, turning liquid in your hands. He shouldn’t be this malleable by anyone. This was his moment of weakness – you were his weakness, but he didn’t find himself objecting to this as he enveloped you with his arms in return.

“I’m so proud of you.” And there it was, that swelling in his chest, that odd warmth flooding his senses. “You did so well.”

“I know that.” he deadpans. You should back off here, you should retreat, frown, ask him what’s wrong – but you don’t. This was his big game, after all, and if it wasn’t obvious enough, you’d follow him even over hot coals.

You laugh, taking his face in your hands. “I love you, Rin.”

There it is. That word, love. The first time you used it – because it would’ve always been you to use it first, never him – he frowned. It was late December in Japan, his hometown, while you sat huddled beside him for warmth, the landscape of the sun setting over the sea golden as the paintings of rebirth.

“Why?”

“Why?” your turn to frown, as he met your eyes in question. “What do you mean?”

“Why use the word ‘love’?” It was already fatal that he allowed you to stay for this long, that he even kept you with him spoke volumes of his heart’s wishes. His icy facade seemed to falter at your hands, and you wanted to melt it away completely. A smile breaks across your face, and he finds himself wanting to drown in it forever. To drown in the depths of your mirth like a rich man and never face worries again.

“Because I love you, stupid.”

“Huh.” but before he can question further, you press a kiss to his lips, and all his questions die on the tip of his tongue, his rationality surrendering to you. His undoing.

It took him even longer to understand love, even after you’d said it the first time on that cliffside, overlooking the vast, infinite ocean. The light had shone on the water like ambers – opalescent and gleaming – he felt as if he could pluck the light from the ocean and string it into a necklace for you, ordinarily divine. The second time you said it, it was “just because”. You lay against his chest, curled up on the couch. If you listened hard enough, you’d be able to hear his heart racing.

“I love you.”

Instead of inquiring, this time, he simply planted a kiss to the crown of your head, watching the woman on the TV sob, dark tears streaming down her face like ink. Onyx. Rivulets of Onyx. He thought you’d look far better with your mascara running down your cheeks than this second rate, lukewarm actor.

The third time, it was new year’s eve. The snow fell in a light sheen across the balcony of the apartment – one of his team mates was hosting a party. He wouldn't have gone if it weren't for your insistence, and so he stood with you, leaning on the railing in favour of the pandemonium behind. The view was a quiet, dark sort of beautiful. Not the majesty of a sunrise or the tragic beauty of rain, rather quiet, sequestered. The park below was still, yet the escapism from the sounds of the party made the air all the more intimate.

“Any new year’s resolutions?” you’d asked, a half finished bottle of beer hanging loosely from your grip.

“Become the best in the world.”

You smiled. “Never change.”

“What about you?”

You shrugged, gaze distant. If he looked closely, he could see the dim moonlight reflected in your eyes. He inched closer.

“I don’t know.”

He scoffed at your answer. So indefinitive, so irrational. The moonlight reflected in your eyes like tiny stars. If he dared, he would claim them for his own. But you claimed his before he could even try.

Your gaze was heavy. A blanket of heat to combat the penetrating cold, the film of snow that dusted your hair, catching in your lashes.

“You have snow on your eyelashes.” You reach out, brushing your cold fingers gently across his eyes. Almost absentmindedly, you mutter “I hate that about you.”

“What?” The word comes as a thin breath, and he hardly registers anything but your touch, your gaze, your breath warming his skin.

“You're absurdly pretty.” you murmur, almost to yourself. Shaking your head in disbelief, a clamour rises from indoors, where the cacophony of the new years celebration presses on, into the intimate night.

“Shut up.” and he brings his lips to yours, closing the centimetres of space left between you. You let his arms wrap around your waist, reaching up to place your hands on his face, entangling your fingers into his hair, lightly tugging at it as you pull away.

“Happy new year, Rin.”

“Fucking shut up and kiss me.” he moves to press his lips to yours, but you evade his movement by a hair’s breadth.

“I love you.” you whisper against his mouth. The words are swallowed in the kiss, and he doesn’t question your love, anymore. Because if anyone would love him against all odds, it would be you, wouldn’t it? Because of course, you knew what love was, and you would teach him. You wanted to teach him the meaning of love, show him its meaning through precarious action, allow love to finally become a constant in the churning sea of his person.

Yet you knew that for Rin Itoshi, love was another paradox.

To love was to be devoured.

To be consumed from the inside out, to desperately hold in the guts that threatened to spill out, to drown in the metallic sweetness of your own blood, to hear the sickly beating of your heart as a siren through your mind, and to allow – enable – this grotesque discordance to rip at your disposition. It’s ruthless in its ruination, it tears out flesh and admires the way the blood gleams like rubies on its severed, screaming surface. Like fruits of its own endeavour, the masochistic, self wrought destruction of sense admires lovers such as him. It admires the victims to its siren wails, the eradicating, breathless declarations of devotion that pale in the grand scheme of love’s insatiable appetite.

To love was to be devoured. Love was the devourer, and lovers their prey. Love was rich in tragedy, all consuming and death defiant. Love was deceptively gentle, practising the art of elusion with a lover’s seduction, the maestro of sadism.

To love was to be devoured wholly – from the thick rivulets of blood dripping down the maw of the beast, the drying, flaking stains of it crusting the mouth and the torn flesh lodged in the beast’s throat.

If to love was to be devoured, you would be next. Foolishly naive, eyes on the stars instead of which beasts lay behind.

If to love was to be devoured, you gladly asked it to devour you. You surrendered yourself to the beast, allowing your heart – still beating – to be ripped out of your chest and be feast upon. You let love take your lips in a siren’s kiss and drain your body dry of supplement, leaving a husk of what remained, and yet you still have more to give. You’d let love reduce you to nothing – impoverished, emaciated and forlorn – for a glimpse of the glories that were of legend. To follow him to the true end, the one promised by fabled lips.

If love was to be devoured, Rin decided that he would let it take, because what was love, if not devotion? Love was devotion, and you were devout. Pious, devout and reverent in the pursuit of sating it's abysmal appetite.

You devoted yourself to love – loving him. You let yourself be devoured, let yourself be reduced to ashes in the blaze of love’s fury, just to experience the sweet nothing of its aftermath. Hollow, void, fruitless.

So Rin takes the dagger, and points it to his own heart. The fruit of love is still ripe within him, and the beast means to be fed.

written by @atlaswav , published 25th of December 2023

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