#a lot of people raised male tend to behave in certain ways Not because of their sex but because of expectations And norms | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lilallama · 3 years

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(Sorry if I spell something wrongly lol) Idk, This is my opinion? Gryffindor, Jungkook. Hufflepuff, Taehyung & Yoongi. Ravenclaw, Namjoon & Jin. Slytherin, Jimin & Hobi??? I literally just searched the meaning of each house and just picked one based on the personality shown. Also, If you don't think this matches them, Sorry ;-;

[Don't worry, sweetie ^^. You don't have to apologise! 💕🍑]

Hoseok is a lot more two faced than I actually tend to show. The way he presents himself is mostly a mask. While he seems mostly calm on the outside, he's actually quite the opposite on the inside. Out of all the boys it'd be easiest for him to manipulate/influence Y/n (@bangtans-apollo Tae is quacking-) and he's aware of that. That's one of the reasons why they started the club 1. To protect Y/n, 2. The club concept came because it'd be easier to meet up and they would automatically get a clubroom and 3. Hoseok threatened to tell on them if they don't join, he'd make Y/n despise each one of them.

He is a strong leader (one of the Slytherin traits), I try to make him resourceful (but I am not myself so that might not shine through too much), he is definitely cunning. The whole ordeal with wanting to be with Y/n no matter what is pretty ambitious, I'd say. And lastly the traditionalism trait, he is very into tradition and has to keep his domestic fantasies with Y/n a secret. His parents raised him very traditional, he would hate it if (female) Y/n would ask him out first or would propose first and would at first frown upon his attention to (male or non binary) Y/n.

All in all Slytherin seems very accurate.

Now concerning Jimin; similar to Hoseok he too can be a two faced snake. He doesn't hide his true thoughts from Y/n or the boys, if anything he overshares sometimes (one time he started talking to Taehyung about some... rather inappropriate things concerning Y/n. That got his Y/n privilege taken away for a whole month). And despite practically pleading to be the "dumb bimbo" stereotype, he is surprisingly clever and intelligent. Before Highschool, before he made his first experiences with popular boys, he was a straight A's and B's student. Yet once he had his first boyfriend, he discovered that the people surrounding him typically preferred the dumb blondes. (He actually broke up with the captain of the football team for Y/n.)

He also sometimes displays ambitious, just in a whiney sort of way. Self preservation is definitely something. Unlike Taehyung, Yoongi, Namjoon or Jeongguk, he wouldn't let himself be killed for Y/n's sake. If Y/n were to be killed he would end up deluding himself into thinking a person who looks similar to them is them and would force Y/n's personality and style on them. Cunningness is 100% accurate. He's fake. He pretends to be a silly sweetheart who loves everyone but will spread rumours about you, blame things on you etc. and everyone believes him. His cunningness concerning Y/n is more whiney than anything.

So I do think Jimin fits Slytherin.

Namjoon was raised by strict parents who forbade him a tremendous amount of things and painted his world for him. It was engraved in his head, he was going to be the CEO of their company one day. Yet despite everything he still had a head of his own. Maye it was because if his high IQ that he understood that his parents weren't the only opinion in his life. Don't get me wrong, they still left him scarred (sadly literally, as his father once hit him bloody) and traumatised but not without a mind of his own. Ever since he was small creativity and originality was something he admired and loved. It was partly reason of why he fell for Y/n, their individuality, their mind, their heart, their soul.

We will not need to discuss intelligence, it's a trait he undoubtedly has. He is always willing to learn and showed interest in many different things before Y/n captured his focus. He is most likely one of the wisest members as he is aware of how twisted his love for them truly is (once again something I tend to fail at portraying) and tried to stop it when it started. But somehow that only made everything worse and by now he doesn't care anymore at all. When he was a child he used to be more openly curious than nowadays (as it caused him many punishments from his parents).

I feel that Namjoon would fit Ravenclaw.

Seokjin was spoiled all his life. His parents adored him, other kids adored him, everyone adored him. While he might've acted oblivious he knew that it's because of his money. Similar to Jimin, Seokjin changed when he entered high school. While he always was a pretty intelligent and well behaved student (still very arrogant though) he then became less concerned with studies and once made a teacher cry (that was before he met Y/n). He loves standing out as an individual, that includes making anyone change who crosses his path with the same outfit (not in school as they wear a school uniform. But outside, yes, he has that much power. Everyone knows Kim Seokjin).

As said before, Seokjin is far from stupid. He is a very intelligent individual but doesn't show the extent of his nolage. Instead aiming for a cool "Queen B" persona. He is witty with his comebacks (something I cannot write because I do not possess that superpower), he's quick with his words. He holds respect for people who are 60+ years old as he believes they've been through a lot in life already. These people have wisdom he could only gain by experience and that he respects (there is one very sweet lady that lives alone in a very big mansion a few streets away from his penthouse. He always visits her because he loves her genuine kindness. When he met Y/n she recently passed away and he saw a part of her in them).

Seokjin could qualify for a Ravenclaw.

Taehyung was raised by a very Christian family that he still cherishes very much. Because of their intense belief he was raised to worship. He never fell in love, so when Y/n crossed paths with his, he started showing love how he's used to it (Out of all the boys Taehyung is straight up insane. Something in his brain might be wired wrong, there is no explanation on why he likes them, on why he believed that's what love is because his parents treated him with normal, familiar love. So he is simply sick, there is no "saving" him. He's better of in a mental hospital). But he was always a very kind boy. Giving instead of taking, never wanting anything in return. Out of everyone, Taehyung was the one who welcomed new students and made tons of friends. But he grew out of it as his focus turned to art. He aimed to make his parents proud so he didn't have time for friends.

His loyalty is unlike any other. You could torture him half dead and he'd still forgive you, stay loyal to you, serve you. He is Y/n's servant. He works hard on improving his artistic abilities and also to maintain fairly good grades. For Y/n any labour he'd have to be put through would seem like a blessing. Another trait for Hufflepuff would be fairness and he surely is fair. As one of the least jealous members of the club he really only cares if Y/n's okay with what's happening or could get hurt (he always kets the other members have more privileges than he has because he believes it'd be not only greedy but prideful to want Y/n to hinself. He avoids any sin when it comes to Y/n, envy, wrath, pride, sloth, nothing will ever come near his modern day Jesus).

Taehyung definitely is a Hufflepuff.

If the boy who works two parttime jobs, to pay for rent, bills and food, cleans the shabby apartment by himself because his alcoholic mother is busy messing it up again, yet still treats his mother with kindness, only to be treated like trash by seven more powerful and successful guys in his school who all like the same person he does and still manages to maintain the position as intern and honour roll student at a prestigious school for roch people, isn't in Hufflepuff then I don't know what. This poor soul is incredibly sensitive and kind. He isn't judgemental (as he himself is used to people judging him). All round very sweet.

I think it's very clear that he's very diligent and hard working. He holds great passion for music and enjoys writing poetry, a very sensitive soul. Yoongi isn't someone to complain about something being unfair (cough cough Jimin cough cough) or try and steal Y/n away from them. His day dreams consist of imagining Y/n liking him back, but he is certain that would never happen (according to you guys, it seems a lot of you would pick Yoongi if you'd get to decide). Not only is Yoongi kind but loyal as well, he'd never imagine leaving anyone behind even his useless mother.

Yoongi is 1000% a Hufflepuff.

Jeongguk tends to be hot tempered, he goes from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds. Everything in life seems like a challenge to prove he's better than others think (his father was a notorious serial killer who killed twenty one people yet got away with a ten year prison sentence and got released after six, ten months later Jeongguk was born). In truth he did not care for anyone else, only Y/n. So all tge chivalry he could muster was directed at them.

He is one brave guy who doesn't get easily scared (I guess living with as well as being a serial killer at sixteen years old desensitised him). Jeongguk is courageous just not in/for a positive way/purpose. He deluted himself into thinking that Y/n needs protection, HIS protection. He once attacked a teacher because they were helping Y/n with a question, that's very daring (more like stupid) just not in a good way. A (still not) more positive example of his daringness is when he wants to impress Y/n. He hung from a skyscraper for five minutes doing pullups, just to inpress them. One time he also jumped across his luxurious pool at home (and almost slipped, almost bashing his head in) just to prove that he can jump further than someone they talked about.

I could very much picture him as a Griffendor.

If you enjoyed reading my work, please consider reblogging it. Thank you for reading

#yandere bts #cooking club #hogwarts au #yandere jimin #yandere taehyung #yandere jungkook #yandere namjoon #yandere hoseok #yandere seokjin #yandere yoongi #harry potter au

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autistic-azula · 4 years

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Azula Has Autism

So I’ve recently started watching and reading about Avatar:The Last Airbender, and one thing I’ve noticed is that everyone argues about whether Azula is a sociopath or not. Being autistic, I actually saw a lot of similarities between her and myself at her age. I’d like to posit that instead of being a sociopath, Azula instead has a very mild form of autism, and that the way her parents handled her allowed her to hide it until her breakdown.

Now, people would point out that Azula is very good at manipulating people and that that flies in the face of the main hallmark of autism: lack of skill in social interaction. I noticed that too, and did some research. It turns out, that most researchers agree that, in women, autism tends to present itself more mildly. This is due to a variety of factors, namely that most knowledge about autism is based on male subjects. Additionally, based purely on personal experience, autistic people can be just as manipulative as allistics. Azula’s manipulative tendencies are not necessarily a disqualifier towards a diagnosis. Now, we should move on to the more typical hallmarks of autism:

Obsessive Interests

Azula clearly has a strong interest in firebending. Her first scene clearly shows her dedication to it. It also shows a downright obsessive and perfectionist attitude toward it. If that doesn’t sound like how someone with autism is about an interest, I don’t know what does. Personally, I have a headcanon that she uses her firebending katas as a form of “stimming” that wouldn’t make others think that she’s weird or weak. Additionally, the breathing exercises that one uses when firebending serve as one of the few functional stress reduction strategies Azula has.

Literal or black-and-white thinking

This seems to be a common issue with autistic people, but it’s extremely obvious with Azula. She shows a continuous with us-or-against us mentality, even among people who are, in theory on the same side as her. This is clearest when she starts banishing servants left and right.

Sensory issues

This one is actually very subtle and part of it crosses over with another entry. If you pay attention, Azula’s standard outfit has this armor that sits on her shoulders and back. Many autistic people find pressure on one’s shoulders and back to be calming. I think that Azula wears the armor to feel safe, justifying it as making sure people know she’s the Crown Princess. I also think her meltdown over the cherry pit wasn’t just paranoia, but also had a sensory component.

Dislike of change and lack of structure

This part is mild, but it’s very consequential. I’d like to qualify the term dislike of change with the addition “specifically, change she can’t control”. Azula is fine with certain changes. But when her friends “betray” her and her father effectively puts her in an unstructured position(as Phoenix KIng, he’d still be running the Fire Nation. All the coronation does is take away anything for Azula to devote her time to achieving, depriving her of anything to structure her days around.), she freaks out. This is why she seems so well-adjusted in the regimented and structured environment of the Fire Nation military.

Lack of social skills

“The Beach” hits just about every indicator of Autism in regards to Azula’s interaction there. Bad jokes, avoidance, the works. It also highlights how Azula’s position and circumstances have allowed her to hide her autism. She is in a situation that seems designed to minimize any issues her autism might cause. Her perfectionism about her firebending is praised and she spends most of her time in a regimented military where any interactions she has are predictable. She outranks just about everyone and people are expected to accommodate her, no matter how weird the request. Azula doesn’t seem “typically” autistic because her world is such that her autism has never actually caused her issues,(or so it seems. I have certain headcanons that would indicate otherwise, more on those below.) and thus, she’s not seen as “disabled” by it, which is usually how autism gets diagnosed.

Empathy issues

Azula is often speculated to be a sociopath, namely because she seems to lack empathy towards others. However, given that she seems to show some instances of empathy,(comforting Ty Lee and Zuko in “The Beach”) autism would explain those situations, while also explaining her otherwise consistent lack of empathy. Empathizing with others is possible for people with autism, but it’s hard. Azula would have to have a strong reason to expend the emotional effort(especially given the way she was raised) to try to empathize with people. Most of the time, there’s not really a good reason, so she doesn’t bother.

Speculation

I personally think that Azula’s lack of issues with her autism is recent, having occurred after Ursa left. I have a couple of personal headcanons about how that occurred: (Trigger Warning for child abuse)

- Azula likely had some form of physical stimming as a child, which Ursa only noticed as a sign of how odd she was, but didn’t really do anything about. Ozai likely burned or beat her when she did it around him, exploiting her lack of social understanding to keep her from seeing it as abuse.

- Iroh’s lack of sympathy towards Azula isn’t due to any favoritism towards Zuko but because he sees how he used to be in her(I also think Iroh might have very mild Asperger’s, but that’s not important). Her ruthless focus scares him, and he worries she could bring out the worst in him, which is why he avoids her. It doesn’t excuse him, but he isn’t doing it to be an asshole.

- Ursa asking “What is wrong with that child?” was the culmination of several weeks of Azula having autism-related problems. She probably threw a fit about some new sheets or refused to eat something new the chef made, and probably continuously behaved in a socially awkward manner, which Ozai likely took out on her. Azula taunting Zuko was the last straw. Ursa regretted saying it, and her regret was why she never said good-bye to Azula when she left. She accepted Azula’s resentment because she thought she deserved it for what she said.

#autistic azula #azula #avatar the last airbender #Autism #analysis #fuck ozai #ursa #iroh #zuko

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barbariccia · 4 years

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Do you have a few minutes to talk, one-on-one?

ash’s been facetiming with her sisters at home, wherever home is for her family right now. we get the chance to overhear her sister saying that she saw kaidan in a news vid and that he’s cute, to which we get to raise our eyebrows... unless you’re playing a maleshep, in which case her sister says that you’re the one who’s cute. (naturally, this is the starter for the ashley romance for a mshep.)

ash herself doesn’t think kaidan’s cute - or at the very least, she’s not sweet on him, so we take the chance to ask about her family instead.

Shepard: Did your father serve with the fleet?

Ashley: Yeah. Took any crap posting he could get that offered space time. He worked his ass off trying to get recognised. But he never got above Serviceman Third Class. He was real proud when I made Chief. First thing he did was salute.

Shepard: What about your mother? You haven’t mentioned her.

Ashley: You must know what military wives are like. Strong because they have to be. Able to raise kids while Dad’s away on a six-month cruise. She has a degree in planetary geology. She and Dad both wanted to see new worlds. She gave up her career to raise us, though.

innocuous enough, but it stands out to me that ash’s family is all still hale and healthy. maybe that’s just a byproduct of the final fantasy franchise, where i’ve gotten used to a 99.99% rate of at least one parental death for characters within the series (as an aside, if you can tell me one character who has both parents alive other than zack fair, i’ll publicly endorse you for whatever role you want to lead), but also within the normandy so far. the rest of our crew has either committed patricide, is estranged from one parental unit, or just straight up hasn’t mentioned one or both of them, so a full family unit isn’t exactly something to be sniffed at.

on its own, i don’t need to highlight the parentification that ashley’s been party to for her whole life - she mentions she’s the eldest of four sisters, with the youngest still being in high school. and ash is only 25! she’s had to have worked her absolute ass off to attain that kind of position and be relied on by her parents to help with the other kids, and i just... i respect ashley so much. let’s not forget that first contact only occurred the year before she was born. there’s been a lot of change in her life, both as quick as the digital age upon us in the last decade or two, and slow over her years of growing up.

we get to ask about her sisters in more depth; she says her relationship with the youngest, sarah, was rocky for a while up until the point where sarah got a boyfriend that wanted to go further than she did. her other sisters worried as well, and ashley was posted in the same galaxy, but too far away to make it back quickly if something happened.

Shepard: If he really liked her, he wouldn’t be pushy.

i really like her dialogue here, honestly. it’s a real human response of her! ash definitely feels like the most real of the characters aboard the ship, to me - her responses to things are flawed and shitty, but she’s self aware of it to a degree, and she’s not the kind of person that acts black and white, either end of the morality scale. who among us can really say that they’re the pinnacle of human morals? even the best of us have thought things like this before, in varying contexts - even if we don’t verbalise them. doesn’t make us bad people... just human.

sarah’s boyfriend thought he’d try and persuade her into having sex, and sarah herself threw him into a tree and left him then and there. the williams parents had all their daughters learn some kind of self-defense - ash herself was taught hand-to-hand, sarah learned aikido, the second eldest got pistol training, and the third picked up the sword, which is just. utterly hilarious on a galactic scale considering the setting. i think i love the williams family.

Shepard: Didn’t you call the police?

Ashley: [Sarah] said it wouldn’t solve the real problem. And she and Mike would both become household names. It was a small colony. I said it was her call to make. That we should let her do it her way. Mom was pretty pissed about that.

ash took leave to walk her sister to school and back, and on the last day of her leave, the boy in question was waiting after school.

so this SURE IS A STORY,

and that’s the end of the talk about her sisters. it makes me feel fuzzy that these girls - no matter how not real they are - have the presence of mind to deal with an abuser so calmly, but at the same time... leaves me feeling tired. not that i expect humans to ever really change, especially not in only a hundred odd years, but for this setting to be so expansive, for there to be bigger problems and more people around than anyone could ever have dreamed... and yet entitlement and abuse still runs rampant.

this is its own problem within the universe, that despite everything, a female shepard doesn’t quite have the same footing as a male shepard does in certain situations, but i’ll get to those when i get to it. besides... i suppose there are bigger things happening now in the real world than anyone could ever have dreamed of seeing, and petty problems still win out in terms of importance. doesn’t matter how small your problem is if it’s personal.

we’re not done quite yet, though.

Ashley: Dad always wanted to serve in space. But he wanted us to have real ground under our feet. He’d say, “Space is beautiful, but you can’t raise a family there.”

Ashley: “I cannot rest from travel: I will drink life to the lees. All times I have enjoy’d greatly, have suffer’d greatly, both with those that loved me, and alone. For always roaming with a hungry heart. Much have I seen and known. Cities of men, and manners, climates, councils, governments...”

Ashley: “Ulysses” was Dad’s favourite poem. Every time he shipped out, he recorded me reading it. He had a dozen versions when he retired.

Shepard: Does he still like it?

Ashley: I sure hope so. I read it to his grave every time I go home.

Lord Alfred Tennyson was a well known (and still popularised) British poet, best known for his poems The Charge of the Light Brigade, which i studied at school, and Ulysses. his work is still felt today with phrases that became commonplace from his work, like the lines “tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”.

the lines ash quotes specifically are about the restlessness of wanderlust and wanting to live life utterly to the fullest, feeling nostalgic for the times when the subject was doing just that, and the full poem continues and ends with the assertion that the speaker’s goal is to continue living life wholeheartedly until the end, and even beyond.

speaking of the beyond-

Ashley: That’s not a problem with you, is it? That I believe in God?

and we reach out to take the hand of yet another utterly fascinating facet of ashley. we’ve seen religion briefly within the game so far - the preaching hanar on the citadel comes immediately to mind - but there’s always been a feeling within sci-fi that because the universe can now be explored that god isn’t real and that things like faith are tossed to the wayside in favour of scientific exploration and discovery, even though in the grand scheme of things people tend... not to behave like that, on the whole. i vastly, enormously appreciate ashley for keeping her faith, and for it to be really not a huge part of her character. at no point is she reduced to any stereotype of character, whether that be “gun-toting god-fearing soldier babe”, or “i am religious therefore i must preach” - it, like other parts of her personality, are only parts that make up a whole and do not define her.

i love ashley. she’s such a good character.

#ashley williams #mass effect #this turned from analysis into a full blown fucking essay i'm so sorry #mol plays mass effect #squad: ashley

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star-anise · 5 years

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why would your social environment affect if you identify as a woman or nb?

I don’t know if you meant it to be, but this is a delightful question. I am going to be a complete nerd for 2k+ words at you.

“Gender” is distinct from “sex” because it’s not a body’s physical characteristics, it’s how society classifies and interprets that body. Sex is “That person has a vagina.” Gender is “This is a blend of society’s expectations about what bodies with vaginas are like, social expectations of how people with vaginas do or might or should act, behave, and feel, the actual lived experiences of people with vaginas, and a twist of lemon for zest.” Concepts of gender and what is “manly” and “womanly” can vary a lot. They’re social values, like “normal” or “legal” or “beautiful”, and they vary all the time. How well you fit your gender role depends a lot on how “gender” is defined.

800 years ago in Europe the general perception was that women were sinful, sensual, lustful people who required frequent sex and liked watching bloodsport. 200 years ago, the British aristocracy thought women were pure, innocent beings of moral purity with no sexual desire who fainted at the sight of blood. These days, we think differently in entirely new directions.

But this gets even more complicated, in part because human experience is really diverse and society’s narratives have to account for that. So 200 years ago, those beliefs about femininity being delicate and dainty and frail only really applied to women with aristocratic lineages, and “the lower classes” of women were believed to be vulgar, coarse, sexual, and earthy, which “explained” why they performed hard physical labor or worked as prostitutes.

Being trans or nonbinary isn’t just or even primarily about what characteristics you want your body to have. It’s about how you want to define yourself and be interpreted and interacted with by other people.

The writer Sylvia Plath lived 1932-1963, and she said:

“Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived I was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable feminity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars–to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording–all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery.”

She was from upper-middle-class Massachusetts, the child of a university professor. A lot of those things she was “prohibited” from doing weren’t things each and every woman was prohibited from doing; they were things women of her class weren’t allowed to do. The daughters and sisters and wives of sailors and soldiers, women who worked in hotels and ran rooming houses, barmaids and sex workers, got to anonymously and invisibly observe those men, after all. They just couldn’t do it at the same time they tried to meet the standards educated Bostonians of the 1950s had for nice young women.

Failure to understand how diverse womanhood is has always been one of feminism’s biggest weaknesses. The Second Wave of feminism was started mostly by prosperous university-educated white women, since they were the people with the time and money and resources to write and read books and attend conferences about “women’s issues”. And they assumed that their issues were female issues. That they were the default of femaleness, and could assume every woman had roughly the same experience as them.

So, for example, middle-class white women in post-WWII USA were expected to stay home all the time and look after their children. Feminists concluded that this was isolating and oppressive, and they’d like the freedom to pursue lives, careers, and interests outside of the home. They vigorously pursued the right to be freed from their domestic and maternal duties.

But in their society, these experiences were not generally shared by Black and/or poor women, who, like their mothers, did not have the luxury of spending copious amounts of leisure time with their children; they had to work to earn enough money to survive on, which meant working on farms, in factories, or as cooks, maids, or nannies for rich white women who wanted the freedom to pursue lives outside the home. They tended to feel that they would like to have the option of staying home and playing with their babies all day.

This is not to say none of the first group enjoyed domestic lives, or that none of the second group wanted non-domestic careers; it’s just that the first group formed the face and the basic assumptions of feminism, and the second group struggled to get a seat at the table.

There’s this phenomenon called “cultural feminism” that’s an attitude that crops up among feminists from time to time (or grows on them, like fungus) that holds that women have a “feminine essence”, a quasi-spiritual “nature” that is deeply distinct from the “masculine essence” of men. This is one of the concepts powering lesbian separatism: the idea that because women are so fundamentally different from men, a society of all women will be fundamentally different in nature from a society that includes men.

But, well, the problem cultural feminism generally has is with how it achieves its definition of “female nature”. The view tends to be that women are kinder, more moral, more collectivist, more community-minded, and less prone to violence.

And cultural feminists tend to HATE people who believe in the social construction of gender, because we tend to cross our arms and go, “Nah, sis, that’s a frappe of misused statistics and The Angel In the House with some wishful thinking as a garnish. That’s how you feel about what womanhood is. It’s fair enough for you, but you’re trying to apply it to the entire human species. That’s got less intellectual rigor and sociological validity than my morning oatmeal.” Hence the radfem insistence that gender theorists like me SHUT UP and gender quite flatly DOESN’T EXIST. It’s a MADE-UP TERM, and people should STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. (And go back to taking about immutable, naturally-occuring phenomena, one supposes, like the banking system and Western literary canon.)

Because seriously, when you look at real actual women, you will see that some of us can be very selfish, while others are altruistic; some think being a woman means abhorring all violence forever, and others think being a woman means being willing to fight and die to protect the people you love. As groups men and women have different average levels of certain qualities, but it’s not like we don’t share a lot in common. The distribution of “male” and “female” traits doesn’t tend to mean two completely separate sets of characteristics; they tend to be more like two overlapping bell curves.

So, like I said, I grew up largely in rural, working-class Western Canadian society. My relatives tend to be tradesmen like carpenters, welders, or plumbers, or else ranchers and farmers. I was raised by a mother who came of age during the big push for Women’s Lib. So in the culture in which I was raised, it was very normal and in some ways rewarded (though in other ways punished) for women to have short hair, wear flannel and jeans, drive a big truck, play rough contact sports, use power tools, pitch in with farmwork, use guns, and drink beer. “Traditional femininity” was a fascinating foreign culture my grandmother aspired to, and I loved nonsense like polishing the silver (it’s a very satisfying pastime) but that was just another one of my weird hobbies, like sewing fairy clothes out of flower petals and collecting toy horses.

Within the standards of the society I was raised in, I am a decently feminine woman. I’m obviously not a “girly girl”, someone who wears makeup and dresses in ways that privilege beauty over practicality, but I have a long ponytail of hair and when I go to Mark’s Work Wearhouse, I shop in the women’s section. We know what “butch” is and I ain’t it.

But through my friendships and my career, I’ve gotten experiences among cultures you wouldn’t think would be too different–we’re all still white North Americans!–but which felt bizarre and alien, and ate away at the sense of self I’d grown up in. In the USA’s northeast, the people I met had the kind of access to communities with social clout, intellectual resources, and political power I hadn’t quite believed existed before I saw them. There really were people who knew politicians and potential employers socially before they ever had to apply to a job or ask for political assistance; there were people who really did propose projects to influential businessmen or academics at cocktail parties; they really did things like fundraise tens of thousands of dollars for a charity by asking fifty of their friends to donate, or start a business with a $2mil personal loan from a relative.

And in those societies, femininity was so different and so foreign. I’d grown up seeing femininity as a way of assigning tasks to get the work done; in these new circles, it was performative in a way that was entirely unique and astounding to me. A boss really would offer you a starting salary $10k higher than they might have if you wore high heels instead of flats. You really would be more likely to get a job if you wore makeup. And your ability to curate social connections in the halls of power really was influenced by how nice of a Christmas party you could throw. These women I met were being held, daily, to a standard of femininity higher than that performed by anyone in my 100 most immediate relatives.

So when girls from Seven Sisters schools talked about how for them, dressing how I dressed every day (jeans, boots, tee, button-up shirt, no makeup, no hair product) was “bucking gendered expectations” and “being unfeminine”, I began to feel totally unmoored. When I realized that I, who absolutely know only 5% as much about power tools and construction as my relatives in the trades, was more suited to take a hammer and wade in there than not just the “empowered” women but the self-professed “handy” men there, I didn’t know how to understand it. I felt like I was… a woman who knew how to do carpentry projects, not “totally butch” the way some people (approvingly) called me.

And, well, at home in Alberta I was generally seen as a sweet and gentle girl with an occasional stubborn streak or precocious moment, but apparently by the standards of Southern states like Georgia and Alabama I am like, 100x more blunt, assertive, and inconsiderate of men’s feelings than women typically feel they have to be.

And this is still all just US/Canadian white women.

And like I said, after years of this, I came home (from BC, where I encountered MORE OTHER weird and alien social constructs, though generally more around class and politics than gender) to Alberta, and I went to what is, for Alberta, a super hippy liberal church, and I helped prepare the after-service tea among women with unstyled hair and no makeup who wore jeans and sensible shoes, and listened to them talk about their work in municipal water management and ICU nursing, and it felt like something inside my chest slid back into place, because I understood myself as a woman again, and not some alien thing floating outside the expectations of the society I was in with a chestful of opinions no one around me would understand, suddenly all made sense again.

I mean, that’s by no means an endorsement for aspirational middle class rural Alberta as the ideal gender utopia. (Alberta is the Texas of Canada.) I just felt comfortable inside because it’s the culture where I found a definition of myself and my gender I could live with, because its boundaries of what’s considered “female” were broad enough to hold all the parts of me I felt like I needed to express. I have a lot of friends who grew up here, or in families like mine, and don’t feel at all happy with its gender boundaries. And even as I’m comfortable being a woman here, I still want to push and transform it, to make it even more feminist and politically left and decolonized.

TERFs try to claim that trans and nonbinary people reinforce the gender identity, but in my experience, it’s feminists who claim male and female are immutable and incompatible do that. It’s trans, nonbinary, and genderqueer people who, simply by performing their genders in public, make people realize just how bullshit innate theories of gender are.. Society is going to want to gender them in certain ways and involve them in certain dynamics (”Hey ladies, those fellas, amirite?”) and they’re going, “Nope. Not me. Cut it out.” I’ve seen a lot of cis people who will quietly admit they do think men and women are different because that’s just reality, watch someone they know transition, and suddenly go, “Oh my god, I get it now.”

Like yes, this is me being coldly political and thinking about people as examples to make a political point. Everyone’s valid and can do what they want, but some things are just easier for potential converts to wrap their minds around.. “I’m sorting through toys to give to Shelly’s baby. He probably won’t want a princess crown, huh?” “I actually know several people who were considered boys when they were babies and never got one, and are making up for all their lost princess crown time now as adults. You never know what he’ll be into when he grows up.” “…Okay, point. I’ll throw it in there.” Trans and enby people disrupt gender in a really powerful back-of-the-brain way where people suddenly see how much leeway there is between gender and sex.

I honestly believe supporting trans and enby people and queering gender until it’s a macrame project instead of a spectrum are how we’ll get to a gender-free utopia. I think cultural feminism is just the same old shit, inverted. (Confession: in my head, I pronounce “cultural” with emphasis on the “cult” part.)

I think feminism is like a lot of emergency response groups: Our job is to put ourselves out of a job. It’s not a good thing if gender discrimination is still prevalent and harmful 200 years from now! Obviously we’re not there yet and calls to pack it in and go home are overrated, but as the problem disappears into its solution, we have to accept that our old ways of looking at the world have to shift.

#staranise original #lgbt discourse

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homenum-revelio-hq · 4 years

Photo

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Christie!

You have been accepted for the role of non-biography character DEDALUS DIGGLE with the faceclaim of Amadeus Serafini! We love reading about your Diggle! He was such a delight. We especially enjoyed the family section, which has been less-than-thrilled with his activism, along with the prejudice section that showed Dedalus not always taking the time to listen to those with less privilege. It shines a particularly real light, right now especially. So happy to have you apart of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Christie

AGE: 20

TIMEZONE: GMT+3

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I’m a uni student who’s almost done with her deadlines so very soon I’ll have a lot of free time and I’d love to dedicate it to further developing Dedalus in this group. This might be subject to change if I actually manage to get a job (fingers crossed) but I’m sure I’ll still have time to do replies and just interact with people in general at least a few times a week. Plus my weekends are free for the foreseeable future so there’s always that!

ANYTHING ELSE: Nope

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Dedalus Diggle

AGE: 26

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis male, he/him. He uses no labels for his sexuality – purely because he’s not currently aware of one that accurately describes him – but is very openly interested in people of all genders. Bisexuality is the term he’d consider closest to accurately describing his orientation, though it’s not quite right either. In modern terms, I’d say he’s pansexual.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Ravenclaw

ANY CHANGES: –

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Less is more has never been a philosophy that applies to Dedalus, not in any way, shape or form. He talks big, dreams even bigger, and the catch of it all is that nobody believes in what he says more than he himself does. Optimism or naivete, it’s hard to tell, but he has a great deal of both and somehow, for better or worse, the world hasn’t managed to run him down just yet. He’s open, and friendly, and so very excitable, and as much as that can be a strength, he’s also no stranger to taking things too far. He’s very familiar with social faux pas, whether as a result of not reading the room or simply of a miscalculated attempt to raise people’s spirits gone wrong.

It comes as no surprise that as a former Ravenclaw, his mind is his greatest weapon. Dedalus is very intelligent, though that might not be too obvious just from the way he behaves. Most people would probably perceive him as rather silly, really, if not downright bonkers since most of his ideas are very much outlandish. To say he struggles with expressing his ideas in a way they would make more sense would imply he actively tries to, which simply isn’t the case. He’s perfectly content in saying his piece and letting people dismiss him as somewhat of an oddball if they so wish.

Since his head is so often up in the clouds, however, it’s hard to keep track of what goes on on the ground. Dedalus is very much off in his own Dedalus-land most of the time, seeing and perceiving things purely the way he wants to, and in a sense, there’s definitely a disconnection between him and the rest of the world. He’s not necessarily aware of it either, but that doesn’t make it any less present.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

The Diggle family currently consists of Delia, Samuel and Dedalus, not accounting for a variety of cousins whose names, quite frankly, Dedalus cannot remember for the life of him. Lots of D-names, he’d say at a guess; those always seem to be a hit within his family. And as far as his relationship with his parents goes, he tries not to think about it too much. It’s strained, without a doubt, though Dedalus doesn’t want to consider exactly how strained. They’ve always had their differences, ever since he’d been old enough to express an opinion, but for the past few years, he’s been slowly but surely distancing himself from them and they don’t seem to mind terribly much. They’re letting him live out his ‘rebellious phase’, they say and for Dedalus, that further solidifies the fact they don’t really know him at all. He’s always been somewhat of a disappointment, anyway; it’s no surprise they wouldn’t mind if people stopped associating him too much with the Diggle family.

Thinking back, they’d liked him much better before he’d started thinking for himself – back when he followed etiquette, when he spent time only with people who meant something in the Wizarding World, when he didn’t think too much about muggle-borns, and half-bloods, and all those little things he so likes to talk about these days. Delia and Samuel are much too dignified to publicly admit something as crude as the belief muggle-borns are less capable, less worthy, less, but, well, it’s true, isn’t it? They certainly wouldn’t bring up the topic in polite company, but facts are facts.

OCCUPATION:

Owner of Dedalus Diggle’s Delights, a candy shop in Diagon Alley that he founded with his parents’ money back when he was twenty-one and they were becoming particularly unbearable with their admonishments and lectures on responsibility. It was simply a clever way to say ‘screw you’ at first – starting and running a proper business is hard work but Dedalus also takes immense pride in the fact that his parents could hardly say they’d expected this; after all, what said childish and irresponsible better than candy? In the past few years, however, Dedalus Diggle’s Delights has developed a bitter rivalry with Sugarplum’s Sweet Shop, though it is unclear whether Dedalus is the only one who really perceives it that way. Grudgingly, he will admit Sugarplum’s seems to be doing better at the moment but, he will also be quick to add, that is, of course, only because he hardly has the time to invest into his shop as he is just so very busy with his other job.

For the unenlightened, ‘other job’ refers to his little experiments, which isn’t really a proper job. Dedalus fancies himself a bit of a tinkerer, an innovator, and he spends most of his days crafting magical items with varying degrees of success. One you might be familiar with if you’ve spoken to him for longer than thirty seconds is his pocket watch. Quite the handy little thing, he won’t hesitate to let you know. Always knows your schedule and reminds you if you’re late for an appointment!

For the enlightened, however, ‘other job’ refers to his work for the Order – also not exactly a proper job, come to think of it. Dedalus is very dedicated to the cause and always eager to help even with the smallest of jobs. Newer members might appreciate the help at first, though conversations with Dedalus rarely end once the job is done so perhaps they’ve ought to know better by now than to accept his help unless they’ve got time to spare. His main job, the way he sees it, is to provide a different point of view, the more outlandish the better. No one can spark a conversation quite like Dedalus Diggle and he takes great pride in that.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Stepping out of character for this one – because while Dedalus has a lot of thoughts on his role within the Order, he does tend to see things in his own Dedalus way – I’d say that outside of helping wherever he’s needed and filling out empty roles on missions, the biggest asset he brings to the Order is his mind. He’s very good at taking a step back and providing a different perspective – granted, it’s usually a fairly outlandish perspective, but once stripped of its more fantastical elements, other members will often find there’s a lot of value in his input. He’d be perfect for an advisor if he only he was less… extraordinary in his ideas which often err on the side of impractical if not impossible. He personally calls it ‘dreaming big’ but you can see how that line is so easily crossed.

And speaking of big dreams and idealism, Dedalus very much believes the Order will prevail. He finds it easier than most might to shake off the small losses and disadvantages because in his head it’s simply impossible that the Order would lose. He’s very much a good versus evil kind of guy and in his head, the Order represents good and thus will always prevail. It would be absolutely fascinating to explore how bigger losses (ex: the death of James) might change things as far as Dedalus’ belief, certainty and, to a degree, naivete go, and how those potential change might manifest.

While I imagine his dedication and input are enough to qualify him for the Inner circle, Dedalus, unfortunately, is also much too absentminded to be trusted with the most important of the Order’s secrets and decisions. He’s no stranger to slipping up and admitting things he’s not supposed to be sharing, and while it’s usually small things and he’s pretty good at playing up the ’I’m just a random weirdo, don’t mind what I’m saying’ card, I can’t imagine the Order would be willing to risk it. And so he is a mid-level member, but the higher-ups are probably still careful and quite possibly only ever tell him the bare minimum he needs to know.

SURVIVAL:

As mentioned, Dedalus very much lives in his own world to a certain extent. He sees things the same everybody else does, but his interpretations are almost always positive and optimistic in favour of himself and the Order. This is more in terms of mentality, as far as survival goes, but I do feel that’s also something very important to consider. At the moment, I’d say he’s in a pretty good mental state in the sense that he’s mostly content and the horrors of war haven’t managed to quite make an impact. If he were to become disillusioned – which I personally think is really only a matter of time – that would certainly change things and survival might just become a whole lot harder.

Outside of his own head, he’s got it pretty easy when compared to most. His parents are wealthy and mostly happy to let him have his ‘rebellious phase’ for a while longer which as far as they’re aware consists purely of Dedalus foregoing all pureblood etiquette and expectations. Hardly anyone suspects his affiliation with the Order due to how absent-minded and irresponsible he comes across as, though he himself has had a few close calls with accidentally exposing himself; luckily, people are used to him talking nonsense and it’s not hard for him to cover up his near slip-ups as more mindless prattle.

RELATIONSHIPS:

If Dedalus had his way, he’d spend days and days just chatting with people. They wouldn’t even need to say anything back – he has more than enough to say on a multitude of topics and he can absolutely hold an entire conversation, an argument even, all by himself. All the better if there’s someone to nod along.

That said, here are some ideas I had after browsing some bios/apps (that are of course just my interpretation and completely a subject to change after chatting with the other writers!):

Gideon Prewett: With how people seem to go to him for advice and how he brings stability to the Order, I think he could be someone to balance Dedalus out. Dedalus has good ideas and even better intentions, but in reality, his ideas are only worth executing after they’ve been sufficiently dialled down and their more outlandish elements have been worked out.

Amos Diggory: Just based off of their jovial, friendly personalities, I think Dedalus and Amos would get on like a house on fire. Dedalus would certainly enjoy his presence, be it for a quick chat or a smoke, and I think they have the potential to be great friends.

Emmeline Vance: Emmeline and Dedalus seem to share an interest in figuring out how things work and it would be so cool to explore their dynamic especially since I also love the contrast between her, who is so easy to overlook, and Dedalus, who doesn’t let people look anywhere but at him.

Hestia Jones: With how good Hestia is at thinking outside the box, I feel she and Dedalus are definitely kindred spirits in that sense. But while her ideas might get shot down, people listen to Dedalus and maybe that can cause some friction between them.

Ndulue Travers: I came across the “Do they have money? Flair? A sense of humour and an ability to hold their liquor? Let’s be friends!” part of their app and Dedalus definitely has all of the above, even if his ability to hold his liquor is a bit questionable. Oh, well. He’d argue it makes things more fun anyway.

Edgar Bones: Similar to Gideon, I feel like he’d be a good foil for Dedalus. Dedalus spends more time with his head in the clouds rather than his feet on the ground so he definitely needs someone who leans more towards the opposite to keep him grounded – or to clash with, though Dedalus rarely if ever looks for confrontation.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Oh, man, I’d be open to exploring just about any ship with Dedalus. He’s very much a ‘try everything at least once’ type of guy so honestly, he himself is very open to all kinds of romantic and sexual relationships too.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Dedalus likes to think of himself as a very progressive wizard indeed; he almost makes it a point to always be the most open and accepting he can be. His intentions are good and his actions are genuine though I do imagine it might not come across this way to some – after all, if he’s trying that hard to show everybody how open-minded he is, surely he’s got something to hide or make up for, no? Then there’s also the other side of this double-edged knife – at what point does he become too progressive? For example, he might be pretty quick to forgive a person for calling a muggle-born a ‘mudblood’ if they show some remorse – even if it’s not his place, as a pureblood, to forgive such a thing. Dedalus would be the first to shake hands with a werewolf, the first to loudly point out and draw attention to the accomplishments of muggle-borns – but in a weird way, the last one to think to double-check with them if his ‘activism’ is even wanted.

But come on, does he really mean all that? At his core, Dedalus has very much grown up in a pureblood society, as much as he might’ve been a black sheep in a lot of ways. He’s trying very hard to unlearn those prejudiced ideas, but often they would still be very present in his initial reactions. In a way, his avid desire to always be almost excessively open-minded is indeed trying to make up for something i.e. his previous pureblood habits and values.

This is, naturally, also very connected to the privileges he already has. He is a white man from a pureblood family. Although his behaviour is a far cry from what would be expected of him, he, without a doubt, still retains a big part of those privileges, with his parents and I imagine fellow purebloods assuming the mentality that this is his ‘rebellious phase’ that he will soon grow out of. That said, I do think quite a few people might find his promiscuity quite distasteful – not only does he not hide his dalliances with wix and muggles alike but he almost seems to flaunt them.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? I’ve had so many ideas about Dedalus Diggle for such a long time, but unfortunately, I’ve never really had the chance to properly explore and develop him as a character. I think this rp will be a great fit both for the sort of dynamics I would like to explore with Dedalus and for what he has to bring to the table too. I think he’s got very particular energy about him and I also think it would mesh well with the general vibe of this rp.

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): Generally speaking, Dedalus is always down for a good party and it would be very much in-character for him to host one at some point.

ANYTHING ELSE? –

EXTRA FOR NON-BIO CHARACTERS:

PAST:

Born as the sole heir to Delia and Samuel Diggle, Dedalus was no stranger to getting pampered while growing up. The newest, shiniest toys, the most expensive, highest quality clothes, pretty much everything he owned had some sort of a superlative attached to it. He revelled in it all, took to luxury like a fish to water, and was perfectly happy to play the role of the polite little heir as long as it got him what he wanted. “What a charming boy,” distant and not-so-distant cousins would exclaim and pinch his cheeks. “How well-behaved, how polite!”

Unfortunately, good manners lost all appeal by the time left for Hogwarts. It was just so boring, being nice and perfect all the time, and Dedalus began to push, trying to see how far he could go before his parents had enough. Apparently, quite far. It was incredible what Delia and Samuel – and, to an extent, their entire society – would excuse as ‘normal teenage boy affairs’.

With time, his clothes turned more extravagant though no less expensive. His circle of friends widened much beyond fellow purebloods and even included a muggle or two. His sexual and romantic experiments were practically public knowledge – his mother had nearly had a heart attack when one of her closest friends had once brought up his muggle-born boyfriend during brunch.

By the time he graduated, Dedalus had more or less solidified his status as the rebellious son of the Diggle family. So, he figured, might as well take it a step further. His beliefs had changed over the course of the past few years and Dedalus had no intention of hiding that. In fact, it was quite the opposite – he spoke up, often and loudly, about how muggle-borns weren’t treated fairly, about how werewolves were misunderstood, about how pureblood ideals were outdated and unfounded. It was easy to dismiss him, with his purple top hat and his fancy waistcoat, and his natural joie de vivre didn’t help his quest of being taken seriously either. But eventually, the right people took notice of him and the Order welcomed him.

PRESENT:

Currently, Dedalus spends his days one of three ways. If he is needed at the Order or something of particular importance is happening, he dedicates all his time helping. He’s still very eager and enthusiastic about the cause and while some might believe every day brings them closer to victory, Dedalus thinks it’s quite the opposite. But of course, he’d reassure people, every revolution has its troubles and complications. You lose some and then you win some, that’s just how life goes.

And if his services aren’t needed with the Order, he tinkers. He’s always had a quiet passion for tinkering – just about the only thing quiet about him, really – and he’s been slowly but surely perfecting his craft through trial and error. He has grand plans for his creations, from helping the Order to mass-producing some of them one day, and he’s perfectly happy to let his hobby consume all his free time.

Lastly, he doesn’t do this often although he probably should, but Dedalus is known to pay some attention to Dedalus Diggle’s Delights every now and then. Mostly, he just lets other people handle the different parts of the business, but occasionally, he takes some interest in it himself. On these days, he’d be manning the counter and taking every chance to chat more to his customers and get some valuable feedback.

FC CHOICES: Amadeus Serafini, Jack Falahee, James Bay

#harry potter rp #hp rp #hp rpg #harry potter roleplay #marauders rp #homenumaccepted

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shinra-makonoid · 4 years

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1. I know you meant it in a sarcastic way but do you think TRAs are the reason so many ftms feel more welcome in radfem spaces? Because many of them if they 'came out' as a radfem usually had the experience of being repressed homosexuals that clearly have no connection to GD by the way the tell from their perspective. (such as being obviously urged by the environment to transition, whereas most transsexuals (in my experience) try to convince themselves of the opposite/ find excuses).

2. In many bios I notice the description 'former-dysphoric female' or 'victim of the gender cult' like they realize they were obviously only exposed to the 'tucute' side and never met real transsexuals (which to be fair is kinda rare but still). I'm just wondering what makes someone switch to radical feminism when they had so opposite views. Because I did hold radfem beliefs as a teen but had no opportunity to share them. I kinda grew out of it.

3.But why? I know you don't know me but I always wondered how someone came up with these beliefs like Dworking, Simone de Beauvoir. Cause I reached the same conclusion as them despite never reading anything from them. And that's scary. You said you were a tucute. How did you came to this? And how did you get away? Do you think some people will always stay in these cult-like groups and why do some have the ability to get out and some don't? Is it biological or social that some can('t) do that?

There’s many thoughts with this so it’ll be long and potentially messy.

I know you meant it in a sarcastic way but do you think TRAs are the reason so many ftms feel more welcome in radfem spaces?

I’m not sure TRA are the reason so many FtM feel more welcomed by radfem spaces. But I’m pretty sure that mainstream feminism in itself has a hand in this. GNC females (trans or not) usually feel out of place regarding their own place in society, and feminism is right there to pick them up. From there, they have a community in which they can rely on, with a specific set of beliefs to follow. You have basically two major communities of feminism, the libfem and the radfem.

Radfems are like the special club of the “enlightened ones”, while libfem are the lazy ones who just follow the trend of feminism. So, I suppose, depending on how implicated you are in feminism and gender, you get to be close to one or the other. There is also the fact that homosexuality/bisexuality in itself will come with a set of experience as a young woman who will surely push you more on the more radical side.

I long time ago now, when I was still a TRA, I’ve known someone who didn’t know if they identified as a lesbian or a FtM, and was heavily in the radfem discourse. We discoursed a lot together, and despite our very different views, we managed to bond. They brought me to nuance my views and reach that kind of “peak” where you actually realize that biological sex DOES exist in fact (crazy right). And I helped them realizing that the radfem discourse wasn’t always godspell. Idk what happened to them since, it’s been a long time. But anyway, it really made me tend to the other side of the balance, even though I’ve never subscribed to it, because I couldn’t, with my own existence, you know? At least there’s something in me that wouldn’t.

I think a lot of FtM comes through that path at some point, and violently shift to the other side as a reaction from when they were a TRA. Finally they are “enlightened to the truth of the world”, and therefore become radical feminists, because they HAVE to be a type of feminism (because otherwise they say that it means you don’t support women’s equality, and you are not appreciated). I personally stayed a long time with a feminist label, before understanding how crappy it was, by wondering about the male side.

Which brings me to the other point. As girls of our generation, we all were raised with feminism in mind. It’s an ideology that was thrown at our throat. Every time that we did something that wasn’t “typically feminine”, it was feminism. Playing with the boys was feminism. Playing video games was feminism. Going to STEM was feminism. Not wearing dresses was feminism. Our normal behavior (GNC behavior) became feminist. We became, despite ourselves, some kind of representant of the powerful female that we “needed” to be, to bring back some balance in the world. It’s very dehumanizing when you think about it. We are warriors for the feminist belief, and our simple behavior is suddenly perceived as something courageous when it is simply how we exist. So, even if you don’t read the feminist books and all that shit, you are still bound to feel like a flavor of feminism, by the simple fact that you exist. Add to that, that it’s very socially good to be seen as a feminist. I think that’s how most of us get trapped in that.

We are social creatures. Finding our peers is a necessary step for us to stay alive. And if it comes with a set of beliefs that need to adopt, then so be it. That’s how we get in.

I know you don't know me but I always wondered how someone came up with these beliefs like Dworking, Simone de Beauvoir. Cause I reached the same conclusion as them despite never reading anything from them.

Why did you come to the same conclusion as people who supposedly did sociological thesis and were eminent respected people in my country? Because it’s what felt right, it’s your intuition, your set of beliefs based on your biased experience that showed you that. It’s the same reason as to why all culture have a religion. We love to believe, we need to believe, and we love wishing for things to be the way we think they are. It’s the reason why those people were fake. They based all of their observation on their personal life and wishful thinking. They created a world that they had in their head, and projected it on reality.

It was very easy for me to think that males were abusers on the basis of my experience. I was already mindful of men, because that’s what I was taught from my family, but my bad experiences reinforced it, and feminism magnified it to a phobia. It’s this endless circle of people validating your biases, an echo chamber but on a life-scale. People who believe or behave a certain way will stick with the other people who believe and behave a certain way, as we’re a tribal creature.

TRA/Radfem, any cult-like thing, will have that. They will discourage you from considering the opinion and the view of the other side, because it will be deemed as being false/wrong/sin, and will also continue to validate the things that you already believe over and over again. They ARE the enlightened ones. They are the ones who discovered the truth among the falsehood. They are sure, persuaded of what they think, that it is the Truth.

They also spew a very anxiety-driving feeling. Radfems are persuaded that all females who transition are brainwashed by the cult. Do you want your fellow females to end up in a cult and hurting themselves? Obviously not! So you help them, you try to convert them, because you feel the urgency of the situation. “She needs to be saved”. It’s a bit like the Christian persuaded they need to save you from hell.

Do you think some people will always stay in these cult-like groups and why do some have the ability to get out and some don't? Is it biological or social that some can('t) do that?

With time, and seeing all of these groups, I became sure of one thing. Certainty is poison, in my opinion. The world is made of nuances, and a lot of them we can’t yet grasp accurately. I am certain of nothing. I try to doubt at every step, and for everything, because in the end, even if it’s very uncomfortable, it is also the best way I found to be able to navigate without getting too stuck somewhere. I have beliefs that are still tied to my values, I will probably always have those, because we aren’t machines. But I am aware of that, and it allows me to take a step back, and think “Why is that so important for me to believe in?” “Why do I believe what I believe?”

Those two questions are the fundamental ones that need to be asked, in order for someone to rationally think. Along with that, you have to understand what constitute a fact, and how to differenciate it from an opinion. The people who get stuck in cult-like mentality are the ones who do that. But it’s not something that you just do. It’s really something to live by. Skepticism. I am lucky because in France, there are a lot of content for people to understand better science and skepticism in general. It really helped me.

Some people won’t ask themselves those questions because they never thought about it. Some people won’t ask themselves those questions because the feeling coming from it is very bad. When I shifted away from the TRA belief, it was a nightmare. When I looked into the HSTS part and how they didn’t believe in any “gender identity” the way we conceive it, I was also crushed. It’s a bad feeling, to feel the way you view the world getting destroyed by other views. It leaves us with uncertainty, fear, vulnerability, that we have to handle. We are left with more questions, less answers. It’s not easy. I would go as far as saying it’s physically painful.

It is easier to just repeat the same mantra, and get stuck with that feeling of certainty that is comforting. It is safe, and you have people thinking the same way you do, you are never alone anymore, you don’t doubt anymore. You know the truth, after all! It’s a very pleasant feeling, to know the truth. But is it an accurate depiction of reality? We are all guilty in that. You, me, the most rational person in this world is guilty of it.

What matters to you? Having the most accurate reality you can grasp, or your comfort and sensation of having the truth in your hand? The answer to that might be obvious, but it is actually a very difficult one, that one has to ask themselve often.

#long post #skepticism #ask #anon #sorry for the lenghty post #but I had no way to reduce it unless I made different posts #and bruh yeah idk #It's separated as much as I could

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animemangasoul · 5 years

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You Slot Right Into My Life

Summery: The Journey of Zenitsu and how he managed, without trying, to win over Obanai Iguro, and become the snake Pillar's unofficial baby brother.

Characters: Zenitsu & Obanai

Chapter: 1/2

Obanai knows disappointment, had dealt with disappointment all his life.

That feeling of being too late, that feeling of warm blood between his fingers, that feeling of seeing crying, hopeless faces. Yes, Obanai knows disappointment. He has been disappointed with himself too many times to count and has been disappointed in others even more, so when Uzai declares loudly that he’s done with demon hunting, and that he is considering retirement, he glares and calls him pathetic.

Yes, he is disappointed in Uzai, and he tells him so. “We can’t afford to lose you,” he sighs. “Stop being a child Uzai, Rengoku is dead. You’re one of very fewer pillar’s left.”

Uzai runs his remaining hand through his hair and smiles sheepishly up at him; his wives not too far away, and a crying blonde teenager by his side. “I’m sorry Obanai,” he says; grin a bit too sharp and eyes a bit too sad. “Me and my girls promised each other that we would retire after taking on an upper moon. We did, we won, and now I’m kinda done with all of this.”

The snake pillar stares him down, but the sitting male’s gaze is unwavering. Obanai sighs again. “You’re pathetic,” he finally mutters, turning away. “Love has never saved lives before.”

He doesn’t look back; walking away as fast and as quickly as possible, trying to not lose his cool, but he does hear the kid. The blonde, sniveling, pathetic kid.

“I don’t know what his deal is Uzai-senpai,” the brat blubbers. “But there is nothing wrong with picking love over fighting a war which you have given so much for already.” There is a particular note In his voice that almost makes the snake pillar stop in his track and look back, but he refrains. Jumping down the roof instead, with only Uzai’s happy cries of “you called me senpai you little brat,” ringing in his ears and a certain pink haired girl dancing behind his eyes.

---------------------

He doesn’t think much about the kid, not until he sees him next, sneaking out of the butterfly estate; hand clutched around his mid and face too bruised to be identifiable. If it wasn’t for his hair, Ubanai wouldn’t have even recognized him. He speaks up before the kid is fully out of view. “What are you doing out of bed?”

The brat jumps, and then visible curls in on himself with pain. “Ouch, ouch, ouch,” he mutters; face pinched and eyes watering.

Obanai isn’t sorry. “I said,” he repeats himself. “What are you doing out of bed?” He has to speak a little louder than he likes; the estate running unusually high in patients this time, but the kid does hear him, and slowly turns around; lips wobbly and eyes glassy.

He looks pathetic.

“Leaving?” the kid finally says; trying his hardest not to meet his eyes. Obanai scoffs.

“You’re in no condition.”

“I know that!” The teen is tilting from side to side now; face taking an interesting shade of green. “There are a lot of new patients right now, and they don’t have enough beds and I don’t wanna take up more room since I’m feeling better!”

The kid says all of this in one breath, before faltering and clutching at his stomach even harder. Obanai is acting before he can even think. Shoving the teen none too gently into a chair and running away and coming back quickly with a trash can; just in time for the idiot to spew his guts out. He grimaces, disgust written all over his face and under his bandages, but he still finds himself lifting a hesitant hand to rub gentle circles on the blonde’s back. “Easy brat,” he mutters. “Easy.”

The kid eventually lets up, lifting his head from the basket, and while shivering uncontrollably pushes himself till he’s leaning fully against the chair. Obanai silently hands him a wad of paper towels. The blonde whispers something, but the snake pillar doesn’t care enough to listen, instead he signals over the first medical personal he sees and sharply directs them to take the moron back to bed. “Don’t let me find him wandering around again,” he snaps. The man pales, and so does the kid. Obanai walks away.

“Thank you,” someone calls out from behind him. He doesn’t stop, but maybe, just maybe his shoulders relax just the tiniest bit at the appreciation.

-------------------

“You’re really kind Kanroji-senpai!”

Obanai comes to a halt. Someone else was already here? Who? Why? He frowns. Mitsuri tended to be too nice for her own good, and Obanai had found himself threatening people into behaving themselves several times throughout their years together as pillars, so whoever was cozying up to the girl better be prepared for hell when they left the pink haired woman’s company, because-

“Thank you Zenitsu! You’re really kind too!”

A loud; almost grating awkward laugh, and a soft “thank you.”

Obanai’s muscles untense.

The blonde, the blonde was named Zenitsu right? Why the hell did he even know that? His frown lines deepen, and he finds himself opening the door to the dining room a lot softer than he’d intended. But not before he hears the brat’s next, heartfelt words.

“I wish I’d known you when I was a kid,” he says. “You don’t hate me or call me annoying,” Obanai barely catches the bright smile on the blonde’s face as he opens the door. “I wish you were my big sister!”

The love pillar brightens up so much, Obanai would have cringed back from the sheer force of her smile if he hadn’t been so used to it. “I’ll be your big sis!” she says, and the brat smiles back; equally as bright. Obanai pauses at the door, watching them. They look ridiculous. Mouth stuffed half with food, hair clashing in colors, and soft giggles making them choke every now and then on their dinner. They look ridiculous, but still-

The snake pillar finds that his mouth quirks up just the slightest bit at the corner as he watches them.

-------------------

Bullies.

That’s Obanai’s first thought, when he comes across the pitiful scene in front of him that morning. Bullies.

‘How the hell,’ he thinks; speeding up just a little bit. ‘Do we have bullies in this organization when people are dying off like flies every day.’

And how the hell was Zenitsu showing up everywhere and anywhere around him lately. He sighs.

“Stop that guys,” the blonde wails; jumping after his sword as the cannon fodders throw it back and forth above his head. Laughing scornfully with each other. “That’s mine. Give it back!”

They of course didn’t, and the stupid boy keeps on whining and wailing and occasionally screaming “Tanjiro.”

Pathetic.

It was clear this wasn’t the first time the bulling had taken place by the way the other boys seemed overly familiar with the idiot, but it was also clear this might have been the first time they’ve gotten him without his ridiculous bodyguard around, because-

“Tanjiro isn’t here to save you now crybaby,” one of them taunted; lifting the sword high in the air, prepared to throw it. “What you gonna do when I throw it into the trees up there?”

Zenitsu pauses momentarily at those words. “Go get it?” he mutters finally; fists rubbing at his eyes.

They laugh, and the kid smiles tentatively back at them, as if trying his hardest to fit in, and that-

That makes something ugly crawl up Obanai’s gut and weight heavily on his shoulders. He growls, and with a speed too fast to detect, the sword is clutched between his fingers, and the cannon fodder his lying flat on the ground; his boot pressed on his back. “And pray tell,” he says slowly; grinding his foot down and making the idiot gasp. “What Is going on here?”

“Nothing, nothing!” The morons scramble back, bumping into each other as they try their best to get away from his wrath. Doesn't really matter, because in a blink of an eye, he has them all lying on the floor, unconscious. Except for one, the brat.

Walking towards him, he notices while Zenitsu is visibly shaken, the kid doesn’t move away from him, instead his eyes grow just a little bit lighter and his lips curl into a smile. “Thanks, Iguro-senpai,” he says.

And Obanai just sighs. Handing over the sword carefully, and for some strange reason reaches out without thinking, and pats the kid’s hair. The brat just blinks up at him owlishly. “Stop letting these idiots walk all over you,” he grumbles, and then he’s gone.

-----------------------

Next time he sees the brat, he’s called in for backup. Apparently two lower moons had been terrorizing the district some of the younger demon slayers had been sent to, and unfortunately, most of them had died.

It left a bitter taste in Obanai’s mouth, as the sword pillar quickened his pace to get to the kids as fast as possible. According to his messenger crow, not many were left; barely hanging on.

How so many inexperienced children were still breathing was honestly a miracle, and if he wanted it to stay that way, Obanai needed to hurry.

Finally spotting the riverside, the pillar jumped up; landed on a tree branch and continued on. Already he could smell the blood, a stench of death so strong, he would have gagged if he’d been a lesser man.

‘I’m going to make them pay’ he thought furiously; clutching at his sword, he bounced from tree to tree, not allowing his eyes to linger any longer on the dead corpses splayed on the ground bellow him. And then-

The hair on the back of his neck raised; the air tasted differently, and suddenly – Lightning flashed across the sky.

Obanai breathed.

“Zenitsu.”

The energy dancing around the clouds was brilliant, bright, breathtaking, and powerful. The snake pillar started moving again; eyes narrow and teeth gritted tight. He’d heard about the kid's powers from Uzai. And of course, he hadn’t believed him, not really. The other pillar had no reason to lie to him, but, how could someone so pathetic, be so powerful?

Still, that was him, without a doubt, and-

He needed him.

The enemy were two lower moons sure, but the kid wasn’t a pillar, and he wasn’t; as difficult as it was to admit, that moron Tanjiro, so he couldn’t, he wouldn’t be able to fend them off for long, not without help, and with that in mind-

Obanai Iguro jumped down to ground level and found his eyes zeroing on the only standing figure through the plethora of scattered bodies.

The blonde teenager was currently standing still, body unmoving and eyes; his eyes were closed.

There were no holes in his stance, and surrounded on both sides by two agitated demons, the kid, remained unfazed.

Behind him were seven up to ten other slayers; curled up and scared. They were still holding their broken swords between bloodied fingers, but it was clear none of them seemed up to the task. None of them had the kids back, and-

The snake pillar immediately recognized at least two of them from the week before. The bullies. He almost snorted at the irony.

Pathetic.

He grabbed his sword then, and is only a second away from unsheathing it, when – The kid moves. ‘Fast,’ is his first thought. ‘The kid’s fast.’

The demon snaps out of the way, but before it could get its footing under it, Zenitsu is behind it; eyes still shut, but blade slicing through its head with elegance meant for the seeing. The other demon takes that very opportunity, it most likely created for itself to attack, but Obanai was tired of just standing around, and with a split-second notice, another head rolls off the neck of a body.

Obanai pushes himself back to his full height, flicking the remaining blood off his blade, before he turns around to look at the kid. “Zenitsu?”

No answer.

Instead, the kid tilts sideways and falls into the pillar’s waiting arms. Sighing, Obanai looked down at the blonde’s head pressed up against his chest.

What an interesting brat.

“Rest,” he said finally; fingers coming up to pat the bloodied locks of the teen. “You did good.”

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lilnasxvevo · 4 years

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To continue a train of thought from yesterday, here is the thing about hobbies and gender:

When you are growing up as whatever gender you were assigned as, every person in your life looks at you and they know which hobbies kids of your gender are expected to be involved in. They know which ones are and are not appropriate for your gender in your social context. Football for boys but cheerleading for girls. Legos for boys and dolls for girls. Math for boys and art for girls. The list does change based on your social context—your country or state or city or school or family might have different ideas about what a boy or girl can do from the rest of the world—but there’s always a list. Sometimes someone will make an effort to deviate from the list. While it wasn’t gender-“inappropriate,” my dad was aware that things like power tools and house-painting and fishing are generally reserved for boy-children, he decided what he thought were his girl-children (it turns out he has one boy-child and one girl-child) should learn these things because why not.

But for the most part, there is a list. And everyone knows the list, and you know the list starting from when you are very little. And working from that list, people will consciously or unconsciously try to get you involved in ONLY the hobbies that are appropriate for your gender and steer you away from ones your gender aren’t supposed to be involved in.

When you experience pressure from literally every person in your life to behave a certain way, people usually do it. They have to want something very badly or just have a lot of natural defiance to do something almost everyone says they can’t or shouldn’t do. Have you seen Billy Elliot? Yeah, like that. He has to fight really hard to get to do ballet, but the thing is, he would never have learned he loved ballet if he hadn’t gotten the secret opportunity to learn ballet in the first place.

So if you’re a child being raised as a girl who wants to try something but it’s a boy thing and no one will let you, well, you think it seems like fun but you’re not super invested so you let go of it. You were never given the opportunity to try it and learn you love it and get really invested in it, and it’s only that level of passion that makes most people think that it might be worth it to fight for something.

A lot of people don’t think about it like this. They assume that girls are naturally drawn to some things and boys are naturally drawn to other things. They don’t see the social forces at work to make sure that boys and girls take up the “right” hobbies. They themselves have probably thought “that looks like fun” over more than one “gender-inappropriate” hobby but casually banished the thought because people of their gender don’t do those things. Inherently.

And so we think there are male and female personalities and male and female interests that are inherent to gender identity itself but they are really just “inherent” to the social pressures we receive—people tend to go in the direction they are pushed unless they have a really strong reason not to.

And yes, if you can’t tell from the careful language I’m using, on this occasion the reason I am talking about this issue is because of how it pertains to trans people. People who transition anytime later in life than early childhood (and I’m pretty sure that’s most trans people) have spent a big chunk of their lives being told this or that about what they’re allowed to be interested in. Girls aren��t good at math, so you aren’t good at math. Boys like watching football, so you should like watching football. Girls like nurturing and making pretty things so you should do those things. Boys should learn how cars work so come on, your old man’s gonna teach you.

So this affects not only what a person thinks is appropriate for them to be doing, but what they had access to learning and doing and experiencing. A trans man might not know how cars work because his dad taught these things to his cis brother but never offered him the same opportunity. A trans man might know how to knit because his mom taught him because it’s something she thought would be appropriate for him to know. Since this hypothetical trans man doesn’t know how cars work but does know how to knit, which hobby is he going to be more passionate about? Answer: The one he knows how to do. Duh. And the same goes for sewing or for watching sports (dude you have to know so many things to watch sports and have a coherent experience, you can’t just learn the rules of the game you have to know things about everyone on the field and the players who came before them and yadda yadda YADDA it’s EXHAUSTING) or math or drawing or whatever other gendered pastimes you can think of.

If a cis boy is taught how to knit but not taught about how cars work, it is more likely he will be more passionate about the hobby he knows how to do. If a cis girl is taught how to code but not how to sew, it is more likely that she will be more passionate about the hobby that she knows how to do.

So it’s not about inherent male and female preferences. It is about access, and the access can either be due to shame or pressure, like that a child thinks about signing up for a class but doesn’t because their parents would kill them because that’s not something kids of their gender should be doing according to them, or it’s a more concrete version of access, like literally not being offered the opportunity to learn how to do it. Access can look like boys getting more individual teacher attention in math class but girls getting more teacher attention in literature class. All of these forms of access lead to most people being forced towards getting involved only in the kinds of things their gender is expected to get involved in. It is insidious and everywhere, and it makes it look like boys and girls inherently gravitate towards certain things, but that is a lie.

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whipped-for-kpop-fics · 5 years

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Valley of Vampires

Read on Ao3 here

Rumour has it that the house at the bottom of the valley on the edge of town belongs to a coven of extremely dangerous vampires that seduced and brutally murdered the previous occupants, two young women beloved by those they graced with their time yet never seemed to seek such attention from anyone. Perhaps that is why the coven chose them for their prey, they figured they wouldn’t be missed and that it’d be fun to win over two such independent women, at least that’s what the townspeople whisper.

To understand just how wrong the townsfolk have it, we need to go back the night it all started, the night that five beautiful men crossed paths with those two young women.

Considering the town wasn’t the largest in the county, it had an awful lot of night clubs and bars that were always buzzing with life, people travelling in from other towns and cities just for the variety of nightlife in this little, insignificant town which is why five men were drawn to it.

“Plenty of options, boys,” Hakyeon commented from where he sat at the bar, a glass of fragrant white wine lifted to his lips and posture as perfect as always.

“We should’ve come here sooner,” Jaehwan replied, eyes flitting over every single person that passed his view, searching for someone that piqued his interest.

“It’s a small town, we need to be careful.” Taekwoon reminded in that sweet, soft voice of his.

“Look at these people, hyung, the majority aren’t from here and probably can’t be traced back if they went missing.” Hongbin pointed out, motioning lazily across the sea of pulsating bodies. Taekwoon pursed his lips well aware of the fact but he didn’t want to agree in case it led to sloppiness.

“Let’s just enjoy ourselves and worry about who we take home in a few hours, yeah?” Jaehwan suggested clapping a hand on Taekwoon’s shoulder.

“We don’t exactly have a home right now,” Wonsik reminded and Jaehwan groaned.

“You know what I mean don’t be like this guys,” He whined wriggling dramatically like a five-year-old child sulking “Let’s just have fun, take those sticks out your butts you grumpy old fucks.”

“You’re supposed to be older than me” Wonsik reminded with a grumpy little pout.

“Hyung, I mean this is the nicest possible way but shut the fuck up,” Jaehwan spoke with a blank expression “Go get your dick sucked you grumpy old man and then when you’ve got some pep in your step, you can return the favour of the suck,”

“You talk like an idiot,” Taekwoon commented casually.

“I’m done with you guys, I’m going to go find someone better to talk to.” With that Jaehwan got up and walked off.

“Binnie,” Hakyeon started to speak gaining the youngest’s attention “Don’t you have that friend here, the one you made through that game you like?”

“Yeah,” Hongbin nodded, swallowing nervously “I’m a bit worried about meeting him, he said he brought friends along for moral support and I don’t want to make a fool out of myself.”

“Want hyung to come along?” Wonsik offered. Hongbin nodded shyly, he didn’t really like to admit he needed one of his friends by his side but he really did.

“Okay, kid, let’s go find your friend.” Wonsik grabbed his drink and slid off of his stool gracefully to follow after Hongbin.

“Any clue where he is?” Wonsik spoke into Hongbin’s ear as they roamed the club despite the fact he knew that his companion could hear him clearly already even over the pounding bass.

Hongbin turned his attention to his phone where his chat with the male was still open and waiting much like he was.

“Upstairs,” Hongbin nodded to the stairs to the side so they made their way over. There was a bulky man, clearly, security, stood there talking to a young woman with dark hair who seemed a little out of place in the club wearing a cute dress and her hair in ribbons while every other female in the building was dressed to impress, or more accurately, seduce.

“Can I help you?” The man asked gruffly staring down the pair despite being a good half a head short than them.

“We’re meeting someone up there,” Wonsik stated confidently.

“Who?”

“Sanghyuk,” Hongbin answered because Wonsik didn’t have the slightest clue. The security guard looked over his shoulder at the girl who was stood a few steps up behind him. She nodded so he stepped aside to let the men pass.

“I’m Mayumi, a friend of Hyuk’s.” She greeted softly, her presence shrinking the closer they got, clearly she was a shy one.

“Hongbin.” He replied politely, holding his hand out so she shook it quickly, looking a little awkward that she then had to shake Wonsik’s outstretched hand too. “This is Wonsik, my moral support.”

“We outnumber you,” Mayumi noted with a small smile. Hongbin tilted his head curiously. “Only by one, Noa, she’s waiting with Hyuk right now and honestly probably still has her hand up his shirt to distract him.” Both men’s eyes blew wide and Mayumi fumbled frustrated to explain herself. “Not like that! She has cold hands like all the time and likes to put them on his skin to wind him up, it’s not sexual she’s just weird!”

“Uh, okay,” Hongbin nodded slowly while Wonsik stared on amusedly, Mayumi was being adorably frustrated, Taekwoon would love to play with her.

“Let’s just, go.” She mumbled turning to lead the way up the stairs to the VIP lounge overlooking the dancefloor. Only a handful of people were in the room but the majority were stood up by the railing to talk and watch the mass of writhing bodies below.

“Finally!” The male sat alone on one of the leather couches exclaimed upon spotting Mayumi and then noticing the males following her, he shrunk back onto his seat. “Oh, hyung.” He smiled shyly. Hongbin smiled back and moved to talk to him leaving Wonsik stood up beside Mayumi who didn’t seem to know what to do with herself.

“I thought there was another?” Wonsik spoke trying to ease her tension.

“Yeah, she must’ve run off somewhere, she tends to do that,” Mayumi spoke peering around in search of her best friend. “You can sit if you want, I’m going to go find her, she can’t be far, you’ll have more fun talking to her than me.” Before Wonsik could argue that he was perfectly content talking to Mayumi, she had scuttled off.

Hongbin had sat beside Sanghyuk and the pair were talking away animatedly as if they had known each other for many years already, not just a few months over the internet so Wonsik sat on a separate couch to give them space and waited for Mayumi to return, even if he felt as if she wouldn’t without her friend.

“Hyukkie! Help!” Sanghyuk looked over at the blonde girl trying to balance a tray with drinks and bowls on.

“No.” He replied and turned his attention back to Hongbin who looked a little torn and guilty but that quickly changed when a packet of crisps flew through the air and smacked Sanghyuk in the face. He shrieked as it made contact.

“That’s what you get, you piece of shit.” She grumbled somehow succeeding in placing the tray on the coffee table before them.

“Oh, you must be Hongbin, right?” She asked and he nodded, standing up to hold his hand out in greeting to her. “I’m Noa.” she smiled widely, shaking his hand happily. “I’m glad you could make it! It’s about time Hyukkie makes a new friend and stops trying to get me to join his gaming sessions with Yumi because I’m shit at video games.” Hongbin chuckled and she smiled wider, happy that she made someone laugh.

“Are you the one I hear him talking to a lot?”

“You mean getting abused by?” Sanghyuk retorted.

“I am not your slave, Sanghyuk, don’t come to my house and take over my study to play your game and expect me to make your food and get your drinks.”

“Yep, it’s you,” Hongbin laughed “It’s nice to finally put a face to the voice.”

“I’d say the same but I’ve never heard your voice before.” She giggled. Hongbin suddenly looked past her and became a little less smiley.

“Oh right, let me introduce you to my friend, Wonsik.” Noa turned confusedly when Hongbin motioned behind her only to become face to face with Wonsik who was suddenly stood directly behind her in waiting.

“Oh, hi,” She greeted shyly, eyes dropping down when she saw him move. He was raising his hand towards her so she took it expecting a handshake but Wonsik lowered slightly while lifting her hand to press a kiss to her knuckles. Noa was almost certain she didn’t make an embarrassing noise at the action but her cheeks still flushed pink and her heart thumped.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Noa.”

“Uhm yeah, you-you too, Wonsik.” Suddenly Sanghyuk burst into laughter behind them and flopped over onto the cushions to prop his body upright.

“Uh, are you okay?” Hongbin asked, lifting his eyebrows at the actions of his new friend.

“She’s flustered!” Sanghyuk exclaimed. Noa’s expression dropped into something that made Wonsik step back a little fearful honestly.

“Just, give me a sec.” She spoke before turning and pouncing on Sanghyuk. He screamed as her hand flew down his collar to press cold fingers to the top of his chest.

“You fucker, learn to shut your mouth, little boy or I’ll have to see how pretty you look with a ball gag stuffed between your lips.” She warned lowly in a hiss that had Sanghyuk shutting up and nodding rapidly in agreement.

“I’m sorry, I’ll behave.” He rushed out quietly, trying to keep their conversation between the two of them.

“Don’t forget your place, little one.” Noa patted his cheek before climbing off of him to return to Wonsik who was then sat back on his couch but he suddenly didn’t look anywhere near as confident, fingers tapping on his thigh and his other hand fiddling with his empty glass.

Noticing his behaviour difference, Noa reached out and placed a hand on top of Wonsik’s in an attempt to be comforting but he flinched so she pulled back.

“I think I’m going to go dance,” She announced getting to her feet to give Wonsik space. His head snapped up from staring at the floor to look up at her with wide eyes. She smiled warmly, to try and relax him. “You can come and find me if you want but you’re more than welcome to stay here and relax, no-one is going to make you do anything, Wonsik, just have fun.” With that, Noa turned and left the upstairs area.

As soon as she was out of sight, Wonsik doubled over and put his head in his hand. Hongbin snorted out a laugh.

“Hm?” Sanghyuk questioned, looking over at Wonsik curiously.

“I think my hyung has a crush on your friend.”

“Good luck to him, he’ll need it, she’s hard to win despite always talking about how she needs a good hard fuck.” Wonsik groaned to himself and Sanghyuk didn’t hear but Hongbin certainly did and laughed harder.

Mayumi found Noa stood at the edge of the dance floor talking to a woman Mayumi hadn’t spoken to personally before but was pretty certain worked at the local infant school.

“Onee-chan,” Mayumi muttered, tugging on Noa’s wrist gently. Noa looked at her immediately not caring that she cut off mid-word with what Mayumi was pretty certain was some kind of weird flirting technique only Noa could get away with.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I’ve been looking for you.”

“Sorry baby, I’m all yours.” Noa excused herself from the teacher to walk off arm in arm with her best friend. “Have you met Hyukkie’s new friend?”

“Yeah, seems okay. Did you see the other guy?”

“Wonsik.” Mayumi hummed in confirmation. “He looks like a sugar daddy.” Mayumi snorted out a loud laugh at that. “Kinda wanna jump on that.”

“Then why aren’t you up there anymore?”

“He started acting weird, I think I made him uncomfortable by attacking Hyuk,” Another laugh from Mayumi “so I said I was going to dance and he could join if he wanted but, guess he’s happy up there or wherever he is now.”

“You don’t often invite people to dance with you.”

“I know but I felt bad and he is cute. I would happily dance with him all the way to the bedroom but ya know.”

By this point, they had reached the bar where Taekwoon still sat alone nursing his drink and watching those around him dance and enjoy themselves. He too was having a decent time but he didn’t want to dance, it wasn’t really his thing and he was always content sitting back while his friends wandered around.

“Hey look, found you a sugar daddy,” Noa joked having spotted Taekwoon or more importantly the expensive clothing and accessories he wore. Mayumi glared harmlessly at her friend but looked over curiously all the same. At the sight of Taekwoon, her eyebrows lifted in interest.

“He’s really pretty.”

“He is, just your type.” Mayumi didn’t respond but Noa knew she was right. “You should try and get his attention, he’s love to snatch up a cute little prey like you.” She teased nudging Mayumi’s side with a giggle.

Taekwoon had heard the whole conversation and wasn’t necessarily bothered by it, he had heard much worse and vulgar being said about him by all sorts of people over the years and in fact the two girls were talking almost politely about him, it was different for a nightclub so he was already intrigued by what the two girls talking about him so gently looked like and as soon as he heard one talking about the other as “prey” he had to look over overtaken with curiosity.

Mayumi was looking down at the wooden bar in front of them with pink cheeks from Noa’s suggestion but Noa was still looking at Taekwoon. Even when their eyes met, she didn’t shy away, she didn’t give him a suggestive look either like most women would she just smiled warmly at him, a friendly way and he relaxed understanding that she had zero intentions towards him whatsoever. He offered her a smile in response that made her’s widen happily and he chuckled to himself. His eyebrows lifted questioningly when she nodded towards Mayumi subtly then nodded to the empty glass in his own hand. He understood but was taken back by how blindingly obvious and confident she was when pretty much ordering him to buy her friend a drink. If it wasn’t for the shock, Taekwoon felt as if he would’ve followed her demand without question at that kind of concerned him.

“Hey hyung.” Jaehwan greeted sliding up to the stool between Mayumi and Taekwoon, throwing an arm around his friend’s shoulders. He noticed Taekwoon was staring off so Jaehwan turned as well to find Noa still looking at Taekwoon with that confident, certain smile on her lips even with the appearance and disruption of Jaehwan.

“Oh, and what is going on here then, huh?”

“Your hyung here was about to buy my lovely little friend a drink,” Noa stated. Mayumi looked as if she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole, barstool and all.

“You assume he has the money to spare to buy a stranger in a bar a drink?” Jaehwan spoke dramatically, putting a hand over his chest as if offended by someone many any kind of assumption whatsoever.

“His outfit could buy the entire building.”

“What are you suggesting, hm, that my dear precious hyungie here strips to pay for your friends drink?” Jaehwan teased, eyebrow lifted as he stared down Noa. She just giggled and he finally smiled, stepping away from Taekwoon and towards the girl with an outstretched hand. “Jaehwan.”

“Noa.” They shook hands, grins on both their faces.

“So should I strip and buy you a drink or is a dance also acceptable?” Noa eyed him up obviously, grin tilting into a smirk.

“Well, there’s no reason both can’t be achieved by the end of the night.”

“Well, let’s get this show on the road.” Jaehwan took Noa out onto the dance floor, both of them giggling the whole way.

Mayumi jolted when Taekwoon sat down beside her carefully.

“I’m Taekwoon.” He announced, fingers fiddling with his glass where he held it on the bar but still turned just enough so that he could politely talk to her.

“Mayumi.” She looked up at him to offer an acceptable greeting know Noa was no doubt at least watching their first interaction and would scold her if she didn’t look up to talk to the pretty stranger.

“So uhm, your friend is uh, forward.” He chuckled lightly and she nodded, a smile lifting her cheeks at the sound. “May I buy you a drink all the same?”

“Don’t feel pressured, it’s honestly fine she-”

“I want to. May I?” Mayumi thought for a few seconds, observing Taekwoon for any lie or hesitance but found none.

“Okay.”

So the two spent the rest of the night huddled up together, first at the bar before they moved to a more private booth upstairs to be heard better, talking softly about whatever they wanted while Taekwoon supplied the drinks all the while.

***

When the front door opened and a pair of feet stumbled into the threshold Mayumi and Sanghyuk ran from the kitchen to the entrance hall in a worried rush. Noa hadn’t returned home all night, sure they knew that she left the club with a guy but she never stayed out overnight like that. The pair thought something had happened to her.

But, she looked perfectly fine, not a single mark on her, not a hair out of place. Well, she looked perfectly fine if you looked past the look of pure rage on her features.

“Uh, Noa?” Sanghyuk questioned. “Are you okay?” Hongbin shuffled from into the hallway then, worried for the girl who came across as nothing but pleasant last night though upon seeing her now, he stepped back with a gulp, she looked as if she could break even the strongest of men with a flick of her wrist and he did not want to be on her bad side.

“I need my study, keep the fuck out, Hyuk,” she warned through her teeth, pointing a finger at him before stomping up the stairs after throwing her shoes and jacket down into a careless heap against the wall.

“What the fuck happened to her?” Sanghyuk muttered while Mayumi moved forward to tidy Noa’s small mess up.

“I thought she was getting laid, why is she so angry?”

“Whoever it was clearly did something wrong if she’s gone to her study,” Mayumi commented giving Sanghyuk a look.

“What does that mean?” Hongbin enquired cautiously, well aware that he was part of the friend group so he may not be privy to such information.

“Noa is like some kind of tech genius, she can get into any system connected to the internet and find pretty much anything no matter how deep it’s hidden,” Sanghyuk stated. Hongbin’s eyebrows reflected how impressed he was. “You know how I always use her computer because it’s super fast for video games?” Hongbin nodded. “It’s that fast because she’d modified it so much and basically built it from scratch so it’s powerful enough to get into systems the other side of the world in minutes. It’s probably one of the best computers in the world and I feel sorry for whatever guy fucked with her because she will make him pay big time.”

“We should probably leave, you know she’ll get mad at us if we do anything that could potentially interfere with her signal.” Mayumi reminded.

“Dammit, this house has the best wifi.” Sanghyuk sighed but trudged to the coat closet to grab their jackets while Mayumi got their shoes.

“Sorry, hyung, I’ll have to show you Yumi’s game another day.”

“Oh, that’s okay.” Hongbin smiled reassuringly as he took his shoes from Mayumi. “I look forward to it all the same.” Mayumi smiled back at him, happy he genuinely wanted to see the online game she designed and made.

“It’s still in beta mode so there are bugs and shit to find and fix.” she reminded.

“It’s still great though, you’re going to be a worldwide best selling game designer, Yumes.” Sanghyuk enthused as he led the way out of the house, pausing on the porch just long enough to allow Mayumi to lock up behind them.

***

Three days later Noa finally emerged from her den to shower and change, looking angrier than she did before she entered the room that morning a few days previously.

Once she was cleaned up and in new clothing, she trudged her way downstairs and to the kitchen to find Mayumi and Taekwoon sat at the kitchen table talking quietly over coffee with smiles on their faces. They looked entirely absorbed in one another and it made Noa’s lips twitch up a little. Nothing made her happier than seeing her best friend happy.

“Did you do whatever you were doing?” Mayumi questioned upon hearing Noa enter. Noa just shook her head and stalked over to the fridge to hunt through it for something to refuel herself with. “Can I ask what you’ve actually been doing?”

“Trying to find the fucker that roofied me.” Taekwoon gasped at the words, not having realised that it was all that common for women to still get drugged at nightclubs.

“That’s terrible, did you find him?” He asked.

“Nope.”

“Seriously?” Mayumi was bewildered. “But you can find anyone even with just their first name.”

“I don't have that.” Noa slammed the fridge and turned to face them. Her skin was pale and dark marks circled her dull eyes.

Taekwoon frowned, that was not the same bright eyes woman he met those nights ago.

“I have no idea who I left with, nothing at all, I remember being at the bar and then dancing for hours with Jaehwan but after that, nothing.”

“Maybe he knows something,” Mayumi suggested.

“Maybe.” Noa ran her fingers through her damp hair, working out some of the knots. “Do you think you could ask him for me, Taekwoon?”

“Uh, yeah, okay, sure.” Taekwoon nodded in agreement. Both girls smiled gratefully at him. He felt sick.

“I’ve never hit such a dead end as this. I even went to Chungha for a blood test hoping she’d be able to find what they drugged me with but either it flushed out really fucking fast or it’s untraceable.”

“That’s even weirder,” Mayumi commented. Noa nodded. “What’re you going to do now?”

“Buy a shit ton of coke, I am drained.”

“Okay,” Mayumi giggled. “We’re out of ice cream, by the way.”

“I’ll get some,” Noa yawned and forced herself to move despite feeling as if her body was full of lead “I’ll be back later, condoms are in the cabinet.” She waved lazily as he left leaving the pair at the table red-faced and speechless.

With a trolley mostly full of multipacks of coke cans, Noa stood in front of the ice cream freezer staring blankly for a good ten minutes before she was disturbed.

“Noa?” She blinked and looked over surprised to see Wonsik stood there looking at her with a small, polite thought incredibly shy smile.

“Oh, Wonsik, hi.” She smiled tiredly back at him, eyes dropping to see a large watermelon in his arms. “Ooh, good choice I should get one.” She hummed to herself absentmindedly before looking back to the ice cream.

“Am I interrupting your thoughts?”

“Not really, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to apologise for being so weird the other night, I’m not usually like that and I don’t want you to think I don’t like you or something because I think you’re beautiful-I mean a good person and-”

“Did you happen to see who I left with that night?” She looked at him curiously. He shook his head. “Dammit, oh well, worth a shot.” Finally, she opened the freezer and pulled out tubs of ice cream until she had six different pots in her trolley.

“I’m not offended or anything, by the way about the other night.” She assured as she looked back up at Wonsik who seemed a little concerned with her behaviour and appearance but was too polite to point it out. “We’re good if you want to be.”

“I do.” he agreed, nodding rapidly. “I really do.”

“Cool.” She put her hands back on the handle of her trolley then paused to look up at him. “I think you’re beautiful too, by the way.” Wonsik felt his ears tingle with heat, something he hadn’t felt in years. Just as Noa was about to walk off down the aisle he spoke back up.

“Can I take you out sometime?”

“Like in the assassin way or the date way?”

“What?!” He sputtered and she giggled

“Either way, okay, meet me in the car park tonight at seven, I’ll wear a pretty dress for you, so take me somewhere nice.” That time, Wonsik let her walk away, a dopey smile on his face.

***

One date turned into two, turned into three, turned into Noa and Wonsik spending most of their time together, he even had clothes at their house and his own room- he had insisted on sleeping on the couch the first night he stayed and wouldn’t accept sharing the bed so Noa gave in and gave him the guest room Sanghyuk usually slept in as it was the only one with an actual bed in.

“Want to spend the night at a motel with me?” Noa asked during one of their lunch dates a cute cafe they favoured and visited multiple times a week.

Wonsik choked on his sandwich so Noa jumped up to rush around the table and wack his back to dislodge the food stuck in his throat.

“You okay oppa?” Wonsik nodded as he gulped down his water to soothe his throat. Noa sat back in her own seat and sipped at her apple juice.

“Did you really ask me to stay at a motel with you?” He asked when he was calm. Noa nodded. “I-I but we don’t I can’t-”

“Not for sex, oppa.” Noa giggled at Wonsik’s flustered state. He looked down thoroughly embarrassed. “You know I’ve been working on that new laptop?” He nodded, looking back up at her to try and figure out where the hell she was going with this. “I should be able to use that to access the motel’s system but it might take a while and I’ll have to be within a certain radius of the main computer for it to work. I’ve already booked the room I just wondered if you’d like to keep me company.”

“How many beds?”

“Just one but I won’t sleep, it’s all yours. I’ll be watching the software to make sure it works and catch any potential bugs that it can’t notice itself.” She shrugged. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, just thought it might be a nice change of scenery, it’s out by the woods the other end of town, really pretty views. I chose a room that will give us a good view of the sunrise.”

“Really?” Noa hummed, nodding in confirmation as he had bitten off a mouthful of her own sandwich. “You’re okay with spending the night alone in a room with me?”

“Sweetheart, you and I both know that it’s you that prevents us from doing that already.” Wonsik’s gaze turned down to the remainder of his food. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Noa reached out to take one of his hands into her own. “We’ll go at whatever speed you’re comfortable with, Sikkie, I will never pressure you into anything even if I’ve wanted to jump your bones since I first saw you all those weeks ago,” He groaned softly at the thought because damn he wanted that. Luckily Noa didn’t catch his distressed sound. “Nor do I want you to feel bad or guilty for not wanting anything like that, you’ve never led me on, you won’t even kiss me so I have no false assumptions that you want to fuck me, it’s fine.”

“I do.” He admitted only to tense up. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Uh, it’s...why don't you then?”

“I just...it’s not a good idea, I’m not strong enough to control myself.”

“How hard do you go? Fuck.” Noa let out a breath at the thought of Wonsik fucking her as hard as she wanted him to. Wonsik could practically feel the arousal simmering in Noa’s stomach from across the table and whined into his hands. “Okay let’s not talk about this because you’re uncomfortable.” She cleared her throat and straightened up to gulp down some of her juice. “So, motel tonight? Yes or no?”

“I want to watch the sunrise with you,” Wonsik announced after a few minutes of Noa eating her sandwich in silence. She looked up to find him looking at her with such a warm, fond smile that her heart raced. “I’d love to spend tonight with you.”

“Okay, good.”

The motel wasn’t the worst that Wonsik had ever seen- he had seen a lot after all- there weren’t any mysterious stains on the mattress and the bedding smelled clean and the ceilings were free of damp patches and mould so all in all it was a pretty damn good motel.

“Make yourself comfortable, I need to get this up and running as soon as possible,” Noa announced motioning lazily to the rest of the room while she sat up to the little coffee table to start taking out her laptop from her bag.

Wonsik put down the duffle bag with their clothes in and kicked off his shoes to throw himself onto the bed and settle down.

“Oh, this is a decent bed.” He commented.

“Yeah, I noticed that last time,” Noa replied distractedly, hands working to type over her keyboard to set up the software she needed.

“Still can’t believe humans can stoop so low as to drug someone and leave them in a motel room all alone.” Wonsik seethed as he sat upright, glaring across the room at nothing in particular. His tone caused Noa to look at him.

“Humans are scum, oppa, we’ll always find ways to prove that.”

“You’re not.” He replied looking at her seriously. “You’re much better than them, don’t put yourself in the same group.”

“I don’t know if you realised, Wonsik but what I’m doing right now isn’t exactly legal and neither is my job.”

“It’s for good reason. You help people, you show the world the dirty secrets bad people have to help the innocent and defenceless.”

“I also steal money-”

“Never from anyone that doesn’t deserve worse.”

“Why do I get the feeling that no matter what I say you will still defend me?” Wonsik grinned. Noa laughed and turned back to her laptop “Crazy man.”

“You make me this way.”

“Stop being so damn cheesy, I need to work.” Wonsik would’ve taken her seriously and assumed she didn’t like his words if he couldn’t see the pink dusted on her cheeks,

Wonsik shuffled off the bed to sit beside her on the floor want watch her hands work slowly getting closer until they were side to side and his arm was around her waist, happy smiles on both of their lips.

Two hours later, Noa’s programme had finally found its way into the motel’s system despite many obstacles, the biggest being the lack of wireless internet in the entire building and immediate vicinity so Noa had to magically fix that without alerting any of the local providers that she was hacking their system to steal their internet while also making sure she didn’t make it available to anyone or any device but her laptop.

“Aha! I’m in!” She exclaimed dancing happily from where she sat on the sofa cushion Wonsik had made her sit on after his own butt had gone numb from sitting on the floor.

He looked over from the bed where he had been sat for over an hour watching a terrible film with horrendous effects that he somehow got sucked into.

“You are?” He scrambled over to watch in fascination, not that he could understand anything on the screen but he felt proud of Noa all the same.

“Hm, looks like all of that night’s footage has conveniently been wiped, either whoever drugged me is careful with his tracks or the cameras all coincidentally went down until the next morning.” A determined look crossed Noa’s features and her hands moved wildly over the keys, adding code after code and doing all sorts of tech-heavy stuff that Wonsik felt a headache coming on until she suddenly stopped and a loading screen appeared.

“What did you do?”

“I recovered the footage but only onto my laptop, it’s downloading everything from that night.”

“Wow.” Wonsik breathed out. Noa looked at him with a wide smile that quickly dropped at the intense look in his eyes. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

“I’ve been told but I’m not against hearing it again.” She answered, voice quiet as to not break the moment between them.

“You’re the most incredible woman, no person, I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, Noa.” She sucked on her lip as she blushed, always unsure how to take such meaningful compliments especially from people that mean as much to her as Wonsik. His eyes dropped down to her mouth, watching how her bottom lip slipped out from the gentle grasp of her teeth.

“Can I kiss-”

“Yes.”

So he did.

Their lips touched after weeks of tireless pinning. Wonsik had finally given in to his want and never wanted to stop.

Unfortunately, Noa had to pull back to catch her breath, chest heaving as she panted and turned so she wasn’t breathing in Wonsik’s face as if she had just run a marathon.

“Oh! It’s done!” She puffed so Wonsik looked over at the video that she had started to play. It was from the security camera at the front of the building that pointed to the car park.

“This is going to take such a long time, I have no idea when we got here.” She huffed in a sulk, lifting her hands as if she was going to do something but they dropped back onto her lap uselessly. “I can’t scan the video here, I don’t have the software, I’ll have to do it at home.” Wonsik opened his mouth to respond but just then a dark car rolled onto the screen and his blood ran cold. He knew that car.

“Uh, then why not just watch it at home?” Wonsik reached out to pause the video before the car even stopped- before anyone could climb out because he knew exactly who the video would show.

“I’ve been waiting for this for weeks, maybe I’ll recognise someone.” Noa tried to argue but Wonsik lifted his hand to cup her cheek and turn her face to him.

“I want to kiss you, Noa. The video can wait.” And who was she to argue? She nodded so Wonsik pressed their lips back together.

Wonsik knew he needed to do something but without being caught preferably ever but at least until the damage was done.

Even though he was very concerned about losing his cool, he licked at her bottom lip, urging her to part them so he could deepen the kiss and made certain he had all of her attention. Noa responded how he wanted and he almost groaned with bliss when her tongue touched his.

Wonsik wouldn’t help but get caught up in the kiss, turning further to face her and grip onto her body so she wouldn’t move, not that he thought she would, by the enthusiastic way she kissed him back. He never wanted to stop but he had to draw his attention away if only for a second, not putting his all into the kiss so he could silently knock over her open can of coke so it spilt over the laptop. Wonsik moved his hands to grab her thighs and turn her body entirely to him so that he could lift her up onto his hips. Noa squealed in surprise as she was lifted into the air, pulling her lips from his to look at him stunned earning a chuckle of amusement to rumble in his chest.

“You’ve been on the floor too long.” He explained as he got to his feet without losing balance or his grip on Noa.

“I won’t argue with that.” She hummed wrapping her arms around his neck and locking her ankles together behind his back. He sucked in a deep breath to calm himself before approaching the bed and placing her down on it, glad she unwound her limbs from him because his control was going to slip if she held him too close for too long.

“Please behave, I want to kiss you but that’s it for tonight. I can’t get wound up, okay, Noa?” Wonsik’s tone was serious so Noa nodded in agreement, he really did seem concerned and against sex so she was going to comply to the best of her ability.

To Wonsik’s elation, Noa behaved herself perfectly, she let Wonsik settle between her thighs but she didn’t move against him, she didn’t try to turn the kiss heavier, she allowed the slow sweet kisses he wanted and ran her fingers through his hair lovingly without complaint about the slow speed.

Eventually, they both grew too tired to keep it up due to the soft atmosphere they had created and get ready for bed where they cuddled up beside one another and fell asleep side by side for the first time.

***

An aggravated shriek jerked Wonsik away from his peaceful slumber.

“What the fuck?” He grumbled rolling onto his back so that he could lift his body up on his elbows and look over to the source of the noise.

Noa was perched on the edge of the sofa with her head in her hands, the sticky dead laptop still on the coffee table in front of her.

“Babe?” Wonsik muttered suddenly wide awake and feeling guilty knowing his actions the night before had caused her the frustration and upset she was suffering.

“It’s dead, my drink spilt somehow, must’ve been last night and the computer is dead.”

“Oh,” Wonsik kicked back the covers so that he could get up and sit next to her on the sofa. “Can you get the video back?”

“Slim chances.” Noa sighed heavily, dragging her hands through her hair as she straightened up. “But I’ll have to try, making a whole new laptop with these capabilities will take over a month, I already had this one mostly done when I changed its use for this. Half the parts I need are rare so there’s not even a certainty I can build another one anytime soon.”

Wonsik was torn between feeling broken for the girl in front of him and dancing internally with glee at the low chance of acquiring the video back quickly, that meant he had time to think up a way to make the video vanish for good.

“So what do we do now?” He asked after letting Noa wallow in her pain for a little while.

“Go home I guess. If there’s any chance I can get the video back from this computer the sooner I get started the better because it’s not an easy task.”

“Let’s get breakfast first, there’s that new tea place near here, right?” Noa nodded in confirmation. “Alright, let’s do that then, start the day right.”

“Okay fine, whatever but you’re paying.”

“Alright.” He chuckled never opposed to spending any money on his favourite person.

***

For a week straight Noa barely left her study, doing everything she could to salvage the computer while also ordering parts she needed to build a new one just in case she couldn’t save the video.

During this time she would appear to get food once a day and had to be disturbed by someone to force food into her hands other for the other two meals and at night to make sure she went to bed. Wonsik had actually taken up sleeping by her side to make sure she slept and didn’t pretend until she was left alone like they all knew she would.

But then suddenly after nine days, she started to lock her study so no-one could enter and blast music loud enough that she couldn’t hear if someone knocked on the door. She didn’t leave for food or to sleep and the fact her study had an en suite gave her no reason to leave the room either.

Day eleven led to Wonsik receiving a text from Noa telling him to stop coming over.

Later that same day Taekwoon told him that he received a similar message from Mayumi saying he wasn’t allowed to the house for a while but she would at least meet him somewhere else.

Hongbin even got a text from Sanghyuk stating that Noa and Mayumi’s house was off limits while she worked so they’d have to stick to the wifi at Sanghyuk’s apartment that seemed so far below anything resembling good in comparison to Noa’s.

Wonsik tried to respond to the text and to send her more to remind her to eat and sleep, get some fresh air and not overwork herself but he never gained a response.

At first, he wondered if her phone had died and she didn’t care enough to charge it but he joined Taekwoon and Mayumi for lunch one day and realised that wasn’t at all accurate, Mayumi had a call from Noa but the second Wonsik asked to talk to her and Mayumi handed the phone over, Noa hung up and refused to answer again, sending every call straight to voicemail.

Worry ate at Wonsik’s insides, Noa was clearly ignoring him and he couldn’t help but feel paranoid that she had somehow recovered the video and not told anyone, that she knew.

He hoped that she was just busy, that she considered him important enough to be a distraction from her work.

It wasn’t much later that Wonsik found out that Noa knew a lot more than he could’ve ever imagined.

***

After an afternoon of shopping for new shoes and jackets, Wonsik and Taekwoon returned to a penthouse apartment stock full of tension.

They exchanged a look as they quietly put down their bags before silently gliding through the apartment in search of an explanation. They both froze in surprise when they found the rest of their housemates sat in the living room with Noa, someone who had never been to the building let alone apartment before.

“Sit down, boys, we have a guest,” Hakyeon spoke and he seemed to be the only one that wasn’t on edge. Actually, Noa herself seemed pretty calm despite the hard look in her eyes.

“What’s going on?” Taekwoon questioned moving to sit on the last seat on the three seater couch in between Hongbin and Jaehwan.

Usually, Wonsik would sit beside Noa but Hakyeon was in the other seat the love seat contained so Wonsik sat in the armchair.

“Let’s get straight to the point, boys, is there anything you would like to tell me?” Noa asked, spinning her phone in her hand absentmindedly as she eyed the four males opposite her, not even glancing at Hakyeon. The others weren’t sure what that meant, were they suddenly a team or had she already gotten what she wanted from him? It was impossible to tell, neither gave the game away.

“Uh, no?” Jaehwan offered. Noa sighed disappointedly and lifted her phone to type on it, not caring that Hakyeon was watching what she was doing blatantly. Maybe they were in on whatever it was together, he did seem to understand what she was doing after all.

“Are you sure?” She challenged looking back up at Jaehwan. He nodded slowly. “Have it your way.” A firm press as if she finalised something. Jaehwan felt sweat prickle at the back of his neck. “Anyone else?”

No-one spoke up. Hakyeon patted her knee sympathetically and stayed silent as she worked on her device. Once she was finished she put it back down and looked at the four.

“I’ve frozen your accounts.”

“What?!” Jaehwan shrieked disbelievingly. “You can’t just fuck with our accounts like that!”

“Be quiet.” She demanded and he did, shrinking back into his seat.

“I gave you all the chance to come clean, I’ve already spoken to Hakyeon and he confirmed everything straight away so his account is untouched but he will not help any of you unless I say so.”

“What?” Wonsik muttered. “Babe, what’s going on?”

“Don’t babe me, Kim Wonsik.” He sucked in a breath realising that she knew, she knew who he was, who they all were. He had never told her his surname. “I remember you saying that you’re older than you look but 73 years old, wow, that’s a big difference.”

“Fuck, you know.” He rushed over, not hiding his inhuman speed to kneel in front of her and take her hands into his. “I’m so fucking sorry, Noa, I wish I could’ve told you what I am from the beginning but I couldn’t I-”

“I know that. That’s not what I’m pissed about. I understand telling someone you’re a fucking vampire is a big deal and not something you take lightly, I don’t blame you.”

“Then what’s this about?” Taekwoon requested bewildered. Noa looked directly at Jaehwan who paled, understanding that she had found something he had regretting doing to her.

“I’m so sorry, Noa, I didn’t think you’d find out.” He whispered ashamedly.

“And that makes it better?”

“No, but only because it’s you, you’re my friend, our friend. We need to feed to live, Noa, if it wasn’t you that night it would’ve been someone else that I took away with me.”

“I’m aware you need to feed but fuck, you wiped my mind of most of the fucking night! I thought I had been drugged and I was so fucking worried someone else would be drugged just like me and made to do fuck knows what!”

“I can give it back, you know.” He announced. Noa tilted her head. “I didn’t take the memory just, put a wall up I guess.”

“That’s dangerous!” Hakyeon hissed “What if she had gone to someone and they managed to remove the wall?! Our existence would’ve been out there for anyone to pick up on!”

“I don’t know! I didn’t think about it I just...taking out a whole memory can fuck with a human’s brain, hyung, I couldn’t do it to her, I liked her too much.” Jaehwan confessed pitifully.

“Give it back then, I want to know what happened,” Noa spoke. Jaehwan made an awkward expression. “What?”

“Are you sure you want to know?” She nodded even when he pointedly looked at Wonsik who was still in front of her. She just got up and stepped around him. Jaehwan let out a heavy breath and got up to hold her face and look deep into her eyes.

The events of the missing night snapped back into her mind and she gasped at the sudden onslaught of memories.

“Oh well, okay damn.” She muttered closing her eyes to try and ground herself. Jaehwan lowered his hands and backed off, eyes glancing between Wonsik and Noa waiting for the explosion he knew what coming. When she opened her eyes she somehow found Jaehwan straight away even though he had moved across the room to be near the door to the hallway and he knew it was about to happen.

“Do you guys always feed during sex?”

For a split second the room became eerily silent and the air still, then as quick as it started it stopped when Wonsik growled in rage and chased after Jaehwan who ran off, the pair becoming a blur as they flitted around the apartment, sometimes tumbling around the floor when Wonsik managed to catch the younger but Jaehwan was just that bit faster and managed to escape before earning too much damage.

“You better not have put your fangs in my best friend, Taekwoon,” Noa warned as she sat back beside Hakyeon, not at all paying attention to the pair causing a ruckus somewhere else in the apartment.

“No, I haven't.” He immediately responded, his eyes wide and serious, begging for Noa to believe him. “I would never do such a thing without permission, not to Mayumi.”

“Good now, an ultimatum for you two.” She looked between Hongbin and Taekwoon. “Either you fuck off out of the lives of my friends or you tell them what you are.”

“What?” Hongbin choked. “You want us to tell them we’re vampires?”

“Or leave. Those are your only options.”

“We can’t leave, you froze our accounts.”

“I’ll give you 20 grand each if you leave and that is it, you’ll have to find your own money from then on,” Hakyeon announced. “I love you both but Noa is very useful to me and although I trust that she wouldn’t be petty and release what we are to the world, I would still like to stay by her to keep her sated.”

“I don’t want to leave,” Taekwoon admitted. “I want to stay here, with Mayumi.”

“Then tell her.” Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon who nodded giving Taekwoon permission to do so.

“Okay, should I go now? Do you want to be there?”

“No, you can go now.”

“Wait, I’ll come too, Hyuk’s at your house, isn’t he, Noa?” Hongbin spoke as he got to his feet to stand beside Taekwoon. Noa nodded so the two males left.

Once they were gone Hakyeon and Noa broke out into hushed giggles, there was still a pair of tussling vampires in the apartment after all.

“How long do you think it’ll take for them to realise they still have full access to their accounts?” Noa mused in a whisper.

“Knowing these lot, a long time.” Hakyeon grinned at her. “You should call the other two back in.” Noa nodded and they both composed themselves before Noa called Wonsik and Jaehwan. They appeared immediately, both dishevelled with splatters of blood on their faces and hands but no open wounds. Vampire healing is incredible.

“Let’s talk money.” Noa motioned to the couch opposite her so both men sat down quickly. “Hakyeon doesn’t want to pay for you to live in his home so you are both homeless as of now.” They both gawped at him.

“How are we going to find somewhere to live with no money?!” Jaehwan exclaimed.

“That’s where kind Noa here comes in.”

“You can live with me and I’ll even give you an allowance,” she stated.

“There’s a but here, isn’t there?” Jaehwan sighed.

“You have to work for me and do everything I say, no questions asked whether it’s work-related or not.”

“You’re a hacker, how can we help?” Wonsik muttered.

“I’m thinking of taking more matters into my own hands, you two will be my muscle.”

“We’re your thugs then, basically.” She grinned and Wonsik having been so used to automatically smiling back at her had to fight his lips to stay straight but the pair opposite him saw them twitch with effort.

“Well, I’ve killed so this is fine with me.” Jaehwan shrugged carelessly.

“Wonderful, Wonsik?” Noa gave Wonsik her full attention. He frowned but nodded.

“Okay, fine, I don’t have a lot of options here, do I?”

“Well, I still like you-” He sat a little straighter at her words “So I’ll let you leave town with 30 grand if you never return and never contact anyone here again.”

“That’s not even an option, I’m not leaving you.” Noa blinked a few times then smiled softly, cheeks warm to the touch.

“When you’ve proven yourself to me, we can date again.”

“Okay.” Wonsik lit up bright and smiled happily. “I’ll work hard for you, Noa.”

“Good boy.” Noa got up so the two males copied. “Hakyeon and I have already packed all that you can bring with me to my house and put the cases in my car, let’s go.”

“Oh, okay.” Wonsik followed obediently as Noa left after saying goodbye to Hakyeon but Jaehwan hesitated.

“Come on little one, I’ve even found a blood supplier for you,” Noa informed. Jaehwan rushed after her, blood on demand sounded great.

That is how vampires came to live in the house at the bottom of the valley on the edge of town. They didn’t kill anyone to live there and they certainly weren’t the abominations the townsfolk gossiped about over the years but they did end up forming a new special coven with their human housemates.

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