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markantonys · 2 years

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the gathering storm prologue-chapter 15

first, some pre-reading thoughts. i have been informed that ELAYNE IS NOT IN THIS ENTIRE BOOK. LITERALLY UNREADABLE. she has been the SOLE plotline that i’ve consistently enjoyed and never had any points of annoyance with, how will i survive an entire book without her!!!!

the cover has rand and a woman who i’m thinking must be avi, so either this is a cruel act of catfishing or we will get an avirand reunion in this book!!!! but i won’t get too excited because i just know that any avirand content will be ruined by min breathing down their necks and preventing them from ever having a moment alone, seeing as min will disintegrate to dust if she ever goes 10 feet away from rand for more than 10 seconds.

there is one chapter called “the death of tuon” man i WISH, and the final chapter is called “veins of gold” which is a phrase i’ve seen mentioned many times so i’m thinking something exciting happens in that chapter 👀

moving on. “was [graendal] the only one who saw that al’thor himself was the real threat? why not just kill him and be done with it?” you would think graendal is the horniest forsaken but actually she’s the only one who sensibly wants to kill rand while the others are distracted by how badly they want to fuck him

“though [demandred] was one of the foremost generals among the chosen, warfare had never seemed to bring him joy” “to think he might have been on the other side - might have become the dragon himself, had things turned out differently” ooh i’m starting to see the demandred-mat parallels now!

mesaana has “chin-length dark hair and watery blue eyes” desperately trying to remember if we’ve ever had a description of theodrin’s appearance (but don’t tell me ofc). although mesaana may not be in her aes sedai disguise rn so might not matter. but graendal makes a distinction between aran’gar being with the rebels and mesaana being inside the white tower itself, which is a point against mesaana being theodrin since theodrin has been with the rebels the whole time, but on the other hand graendal isn’t privy to mesaana’s plans and could be misinformed about whether she is Literally in the white tower or not.

graendal waxes poetic about how unbelievably hot moridin is, which is information i am storing away because i suspect i will want to know it later. for reasons.

uh oh mesaana mentions “our woman there” who witnessed semirhage vs. rand. iirc the only women there were nynaeve, min, cadsuane, 2 damane, and 2 sul’dam (and 1 additional damane and sul’dam who were killed in the fight). i guess their source must be one of the seanchan women, but man would i go crazy in the best way if it turned out that cadsuane was a darkfriend! or min, and it turned out it was rj’s intention all along to make her relationship with rand so damaging to his wellbeing with her indirectly causing his two biggest traumas, his kidnapping and his hand, and always ramping up his paranoia with her viewings lmao but i know neither of those things are true, so it must be one of the seanchan (or maybe it’s none of them and i’m just way overthinking this). oh but also more aes sedai did arrive at the end of the fight with semirhage, so it could be one of them, although they didn’t actually witness the fireball (which is what mesaana is talking about).

“‘i want lews therin,’ demandred said, his voice deep, his expression dark, as always. ‘semirhage knows that. she also knows that if she’d killed him, i would have found her and claimed her life in retribution. nobody kills al’thor. nobody but me.’” i’m erasing the number off my “days since a male forsaken’s last sexual tension with rand” sign and putting a big fat 0. another demandred-mat parallel, they both want to fuck rand soooo bad jdkfjg

moridin is so mad that semirhage hurt rand “despite my express command that he wasn’t to be harmed” they all want to fuck him!!!

“moridin looked down, flexing his left hand, as if it were stiff” OOOOOH are moridin and rand’s Merging Troubles getting to the point where moridin feels injuries done to rand? okay maybe THAT’S the real reason why he doesn’t want anyone to hurt rand lmao. but i still like my original interpretation better.

also, i have decided that ishamael-min is another Forsaken/Friend Of Rand foil pair because they both have an interest in philosophy and an unhealthy obsession with rand [bangs gavel] i’m kidding but also it’s true

“the great lord approves of your initiative” graendal is acing her annual employee review. i feel like she’s secretly the cleverest/most dangerous forsaken of all and the others all underestimate her, to her advantage!

“the wheel has groaned its final rotation, the clock has lost its spring, the serpent heaves its final gasps. he must know pain of heart. he must know frustration, and he must know anguish.” sexy and ominous

you know how the villain in the incredibles was a mr. incredible fanboy whose obsessiveness drove him to crimes? that’s masema with rand fjkgh every time masema’s like “the dragon will reward me for my loyalty!” all i can think about is the incredibles you’re not affiliated with me.gif

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FAILE!!!!!!!!!! JUST KILLED MASEMA AND ALL HIS FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!! YOOOOOOOOOO I’M LOSING MY MIND she just went full “the lannisters send their regards” on their asses!!!!! chills!!! chills chills chills of the best kind!!!! thank you faile for doing what someone should’ve done many books ago!!! and for delivering the kind of “heroes being machiavellian and doing bad things for the greater good” content that i Actually want to see!!! faile killing masema is Sexy, the boys allying with the seanchan is Not Sexy.

“‘thank you for helping to assault malden, masema,’ faile said, stopping right in front of him. then she reached up and rammed that knife into his heart.” YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“‘sometimes, a wife must do what her husband cannot,’ he heard faile tell her women as his eyes fluttered trying to close. ‘it is a dark thing we did this day, but necessary. let no one speak of it to my husband. he must never know.’” YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

faile accomplishing in 1 page what perrin failed (no pun intended) to do in 5 books is SO typical jjskdjfg i love her!! i love her!!!!!!! sorry perrin, faile is MY wife now. also, this is one of the few times in this series where a character deciding to lie to their partner is actually justified instead of needless and infuriating, and might provide meaty and fascinating relationship conflict rather than petty drama (though given that this IS perrin and faile we’re talking about i won’t hold my breath lmao)

i’m so rand/min-phobic at this point that as soon as the audiobook said “‘rand?’ a soft voice asked” i instantly began gnashing my teeth in preparation, because i just KNEW it was going to be min arriving to simper (and it was)

rand feels aviendha coming closer to the manor!! an avirand reunion IS in the cards!!

and we open with our usual Listen To How Sexy Min Is In Her Tight Clothes description 🙄 this is at least the third book in a row where we’ve gotten that within the first couple pages of min’s first scene, and i bet it happened in previous books too i just didn’t start tracking it until COT

“why wear trousers only to trim herself up with lace?” LMAO absolutely howling that min dolls herself up for rand and it turns out he thinks it’s weird jfkjgh serves her right

also, we learn that rand’s eyesight is still Weird after semirhage. again i wonder if it’s lingering damage from the light of the fireball or if it’s to do with the Moridin Merging Troubles? oooh we saw moridin being affected by the pain of rand’s hand, so maybe rand is being affected by the black flecks in moridin’s eyes from using the true power??

“elayne. she was distant, far to the east, but he could still feel her bundle of emotions in his head. at such a distance, it was difficult to tell much, but he thought she was...relieved. did that mean that her struggle for power in andor was going well?” INDEPENDENT INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT ABOUT ELAYNE!!! rand, maybe you could put on a little disguise and pop thru a quick gateway and ASK her how her struggle for power is going! also, interesting that he can pick out any emotion from her at all at such a great distance, i thought that at a far distance you could only really sense serious injuries (like elayne feeling rand’s hand) and emotions wouldn’t come into range unless you were closer? i feel like the rules and experiences of long-distance warder bonds are always changing book to book lmao but i’m not complaining since it gave us 3 whole sentences of rand thinking about elayne.

i can’t find the exact quote again but rand wonders where asmodean is and whether he’s betrayed info about him to the shadow and i’m cracking up jkjfg even rand thinks asmodean should have been more important to the story than he ended up being!

somewhere in this chapter rand mentions that it was a ter’angreal of cadsuane’s that made semirhage’s illusion fall away in the last book, good to know, i thought that semirhage was just lame and bad at channeling or something lmao

rand apparently has a new sword, which an unnamed “they” had recently found and gifted to him, and he recognizes it from his own memories rather than from lews therin’s and “had taken to wearing the sword immediately. it felt right beneath his fingers.” this had better somehow be tam’s heron-marked blade fixed up again because that is the only sword in the world i could accept so immediately and unceremoniously replacing the sword aviendha gave to rand 😤

on the one hand, i hate how min is always glaring at alivia bc she resents her bc she’s going to help rand die, even though alivia knows nothing about this and has done nothing wrong and never been anything but loyal to rand and min is just being mad at her about her own viewing. on the other hand, i do kinda resent alivia’s narrative importance bc while i don’t yet know exactly what her role will be, i’m struggling to see why nynaeve couldn’t have filled it. why introduce a random new channeler who’s “even stronger than nynaeve in the one power” and seems like she’s going to do something channeling-related that’s very emotionally significant in rand’s arc, when nynaeve is right there? i’ll see if i still feel this way once i actually see how this “alivia helping rand die” business plays out, but so far it feels like yet another instance of rj introducing new characters in the second half of the series to fill roles original characters were booted out of, and fill them in a less effective or emotionally meaningful way (cadsuane replacing moiraine as rand’s mentor, bashere replacing mat as rand’s general (i do love bashere, but he’s no mat). and min replacing elayne and avi as rand’s primary love interest, of course, although she wasn’t a new character, but she might as well have been since by LOC she’d changed every single thing about herself For Rand.)

“one cannot blindfold an artist, then be surprised when he has nothing to paint” cadsuane needs to meet up with lini so they can exchange Sayings™!

rand has in custody an extremely evil forsaken who blew off his hand and has brutally tortured and killed thousands of people and could potentially provide their side with valuable info about the shadow..............and he refuses to let the aes sedai torture her or hurt her in any way while questioning her, because she’s a woman 🙄🙄🙄 i know it won’t happen but i almost want rand to be murdered by a woman at this point, he would deserve it.

“time spent in a dark box, being pulled forth and being beaten repeatedly. he would not have a woman in his power treated the same way. not even one of the forsaken.” see, i could totally get behind this reasoning if it applied to people in general, but as the scene goes on rand makes it abundantly clear that it’s specifically WOMEN he can’t stomach being treated the way he was.

“you press us for results, boy, and yet you deny us the tools we need to get them. whether you name it torture, questioning, or baking, i name it foolishness.” for once i wholeheartedly support cadsuane bullying rand! yes cadsuane! bully him more about this!

“turn her over to the white tower, you say? which white tower? ...i doubt that egwene would be pleased if i dropped one of the forsaken into her lap.” are you kidding? egwene would be able to handle semirhage in her sleep! “egwene might just let semirhage go and take me captive instead. force me to kneel before the white tower’s justice and gentle me just to give her another notch in her belt.” what the FUCK rand???? i know you and egwene were a bit strained when you last saw each other back in LOC, but good god this is a HUGE leap to make! and fandom gets mad at EGWENE for judging RAND unfairly. i definitely don’t remember rand thinking or saying anything THIS harsh about egwene before now, so i’m feeling like his suspicion of her is suddenly being amped up to 100 to prepare for a conflict between them.

lews therin says of aes sedai, “we need to stay away from all of them. they refused to help us, you know. refused! said my plan was too reckless. that left me with only the hundred companions, no women to form a circle.” isn’t this.......isn’t this exactly the conversation that’s depicted in the 1x08 cold open that everybody complained about because it made lews therin look reckless? lmao god

“light! i can’t keep this up. my eyes see as if in a fog, my hand is burned away, and the old wounds in my side rip open if i do anything more strenuous than breathe. i’m dry, like an overused well. i need to finish my work here and get to shayol ghul. otherwise, there won’t be anything left of me for the dark one to kill.” baby booooy

egwene’s only been in the tower for NINE DAYS???? oh my god. and she already has all the novices on her side and is making many of the older aes sedai doubt elaida! yeah, she would TOTALLY handle semirhage in her sleep lmao

“this was the woman who had pulled down siuan, the woman who had beaten rand, and the woman who had pushed the aes sedai themselves to the very brink of collapse. elaida needed to know egwene’s anger, she needed to be humiliated and made ashamed!” “this woman, this...creature! she was the cause of the problems in the white tower, she was the one who caused division between rebels and loyalists. she had taken rand captive and beaten him.” so egwene HAS found out more details about rand’s kidnapping and counts it as one of her top 3 reasons for hating elaida 😭❤️ and after rand was being such a dick about egwene in the previous chapter.

“egwene hesitated in the doorway, looking in at her rival for the first time since departing from the white tower with nynaeve and elayne to hunt the black ajah, a turning point that seemed an eternity ago.” 😭 i swear if i don’t get a full wondergirl reunion.........🔪🔪

“‘what do you say to that?’ that you are a plague upon this structure as vile and destructive as any disease that has struck city and people in all years past.” JKDHFJHG DAMN EGWENE i love her. respect for her for managing not to say this aloud but boy do i wish she had hjfg

“egwene could sometimes feel that band [the a’dam] on her own skin, itching, impossible to move. sometimes, it still made her faintly sick to move around freely, as if she felt that she should be locked away, chained to the post on the wall by a simple loop of metal.” 💔💔💔 and you expect me to like tuon and support her marrying mat?? i am not saying that i bet all the readers who love tuon are the very same ones who hate egwene, buuuuut

while being beaten egwene thinks about what a pointless, absurd punishment it is compared to the “pain of soul she felt at seeing the white tower suffer beneath elaida’s hand” and starts to laugh crazily, rand vibes! but she comes to a different conclusion: “i understand. i didn’t realize what the aiel did. i assumed that i just had to be harder, and that was what would teach me to laugh at pain. but it’s not hardness at all. it’s not strength that makes me laugh. it’s understanding.” she and rand are foils!

aviendha pov!! “aviendha did not fear death, but there was a very big difference between embracing death and wishing for it.” an outlook that would be helpful to rand’s mental health right now if aviendha was allowed to talk to him for even 10 seconds.

aww throughout this chapter avi thinks about elayne constantly, always asking herself What Would Elayne Do and thinking on how much elayne has taught her ❤️❤️

why the fuck does avi still call rand “rand al’thor” in her narration? they had their moment in WH where she called him by his first name! i thought they were past this!

“now that they were first-sisters, they could marry him together as was proper” “it was good to know rand al’thor would be hers, although she would have to share him. she did not begrudge elayne, of course, but min...well, aviendha did not really know her.” perfect throuple, avirandlayne triad when, min get out of this polycule, etc etc

aviendha thinks about how she doesn’t yet have anything to offer rand and that she won’t give him a bridal wreath until she becomes a full wise one. i have Some Thoughts about this, will go into them at the end of the post once it’s more relevant.

but for now i will say this: “she would come to him when she was ready, then lay the bridal wreath at his feet. and she couldn’t do that until she knew who she was.” WHAT a contrast from min remaking herself and shaping her entire personality and appearance around what she thinks rand would want her to be lmaoooo

“i once thought that there was only one way to be strong, but i have learned from my first-sister that i was wrong.” ❤️❤️ “rand al’thor...i do not think he has learned this yet. i worry that he mistakes hardness for strength.” okay so clearly rand needs to spend some time with elayne too (and avi) so that he can learn this same lesson! dammit!!

ah, min did indeed end up telling avi about her viewing of her having quadruplets with rand, in WH min was uncertain whether avi would want to know about it. although avi’s never referenced this before and in the previous book even said something like “hope i never get pregnant if it sucks this much” to elayne, so i’m wondering if rj always intended avi to know about the viewing or if this was sanderson’s decision.

she also thinks about min’s viewing of the 3 of them loving rand: “the viewing was a comfort.” how sad is it that poor avi has been given so little time with and affection from her own boyfriend that she has to think “thank god i have a prophecy proving that he loves me” damn. “but it was also bothersome. aviendha loved rand al’thor because she chose to, not because she was destined to.” THANK YOU!!!!! exhibit A of why avirand is the only Fated Romance in this series that works! (randlayne i don’t count as a Fated Romance since elayne didn’t find out they were fated until after they were already in love)

GAWYN RETURNS!!! recalled as shouting thank god it is my boy!!! and we see him outside a prologue for i believe the first time since LOC! could this mean he’ll actually have a plotline this book? oh i hope so!

i always would’ve had a soft spot for him bc he fits my standard blorbo archetype perfectly, but would i have loved him as much as i do if not for the hilarity of how confused and mad you guys are by me loving him? we’ll never know jdfkg i’m still waiting to see what crime(s) he commits that makes the whole fandom hate him so much. surely it can’t just be siding with elaida in the coup and not helping rand at dumai’s wells? bc while those are hardly good looks for him, i don’t see how they’re bad enough to earn such universal hatred. there must be a very big crime somewhere in these last 3 books. chuckles nervously i’m in danger.jpg

quick tangent bc i’ve been thinking about the show: i think that in the books elaida having been around as an adult figure, and potentially a mentor figure, for most of gawyn’s (and elayne’s) life is something that was not made enough of, so in the show it’d be neat if we saw elaida kinda manipulating/grooming him so then it’s even more understandable and heartbreaking when he believes her over siuan in the coup (judging from leaks show!gawyn seems to have a more complicated relationship with morgase than he does in the books, so i could totally see elaida swooping in to prey on those mommy issues, especially if she’s maybe planning her coup and decides it would be helpful to make sure gawyn and his friends will side with her when the time comes).

anyway, we have so much of gawyn being sexily conflicted and angsty in this chapter, and you all know me, you know i’m eating this UP. “am i destined to end up fighting against each and every man who has been a mentor to me?” baby boy

“light send that elayne had arrived in andor...her duty to andor outweighed her duty to the white tower. and what of your duty, gawyn trakand? he thought to himself. he wasn’t certain he had duty, or honor, left to him. perhaps his guilt about hammar, his nightmares of war and death at dumai’s wells, were due to the slow realization that he might have given his allegiance to the wrong side. his loyalty belonged to elayne and egwene. what, then, was he still doing fighting a battle he didn’t care about, helping a side that - by all accounts - was opposed to the one elayne and egwene had chosen?” baby booooy. also, an interesting little honor-and-duty musing right on the heels of avi’s in the last chapter.

“[egwene] had chosen a side. hammar had chosen a side. gareth bryne had, apparently, chosen a side. but gawyn continued to want to be on both sides. the division was ripping him apart.” BABY BOOOOOOY [giggling and twirling my hair around my finger] he’s just soooo burdened by duty and torn apart by conflicting loyalties

rand thinks about mat (in the context of thinking that even mat wouldn’t know what was the best bet for what would end up killing rand since so many things are trying to) and sees that he’s dicing before a crowd. “rand had not seen the small, dark-skinned woman with mat for some time. who was she? where had she gone?” anxious at the prospect of mat having obtained a girlfriend during your separation hmmm?

“hopefully mat would return to him soon. he would need mat and his tactical skills at shayol ghul.” all i’m hearing is that rand needs mat and hopes he’ll come back soon 😌

“once rand might have been surprised at how quickly he was obeyed, but no longer. it was right for the soldiers to obey. rand was a king.” “darlin wondered - yet again - about his orders. could no one simply do as they were told?” “had [harine] achieved greater rank, making her too important to attend him? could one be too important to attend the coramoor?” noo rand don’t go dark and tyrannical you’re so sexy aha

“‘for all [the soldiers’] laws and oaths, they are free. me, i seem as if i can do as i wish, but i am tied so tightly the bonds cut my flesh. my power and influence are meaningless against fate. my freedom is just an illusion, flinn. and so i envy them. sometimes.’ flinn folded his hands behind his back, obviously uncertain how to respond.” [snl debbie downer sound effect]

“‘it’s not normal,’ [nynaeve] said. ‘and those overcast skies aren’t the storm i’m talking about. it’s still distant, but it’s coming. and it is going to be terrible. worse than any i’ve ever seen. far worse.’ ‘well, then,’ daigian said, sounding slightly uncomfortable.” [snl debbie downer sound effect]

“nynaeve had spent that fight [at shadar logoth] completely absorbed by providing rand with immense amounts of saidar to weave.” oh, there i was thinking nynaeve was doing some weaving herself and working with rand and taking an active role in the cleansing, but no, apparently she was just rand’s battery. sigh.

because nynaeve has apparently not gone through “finally thinking she’s independent and has authority only to be forced back into a student role and treated like a child” plotlines often enough, she’s now learning the 100 weaves you need to know to become aes sedai (which have literally never been mentioned before) so that she can take the test and become a ~real~ aes sedai since the other sisters think egwene raising her doesn’t count. sigh.

nynaeve offers to try Healing daigian of her grief over her warder’s death. girl if you can Heal emotional hurts/mental illnesses why ON EARTH have you never suggested this to rand or even considered that he might benefit???? oh my god.

nynaeve thinks that her love for lan is more ~important~ than daigian’s love for her late warder (eben the asha’man) because a) it is “genuine, and not due to a bond,” obviously nynaeve is sooo insecure over not being bonded to lan that it makes her look stupid, and b) daigian’s love for eben was “the affection of an aunt for her favored nephew” rather than a marriage, and as we all know, platonic love is inherently less meaningful than romantic love 🙄 that really does seem to be a message of the series overall, what with the way the 3 boys become completely cut off from their platonic relationships and entirely dependent on their single love interest for connection and emotional support, and this is portrayed as romantic and desirable and good.

nynaeve does redeem herself a moment later by thinking about how unfair it is that daigian, who knows as much as any other aes sedai and more than many, is always the inferior in any situation bc she’s weak in the power. finally someone recognizes this! (someone aes sedai, at least, since iirc we’ve had aiel and/or windfinders saying it’s nonsense before.) but then she loses respect again because she thinks about how teaching the kin to stand up for themselves resulted in them standing up to HER too and she isn’t sure she wants to “attempt a similar revolution among the aes sedai,” of course you don’t seeing as the current power system works to your advantage 🙄 although given nynaeve’s frustration with constantly being condescended to, and my frustration that everyone treats her like that, i suppose i can sympathize with her not wanting to implement a more age-/experience-based system that would give older aes sedai even more of an opportunity to walk all over her.

is my sudden uncharacteristic annoyance with nynaeve a sign that sanderson writes her differently? hmmm. something to ponder.

“all these others in camp might bow and scrape and dote on [rand], but nynaeve knew that he was really just a sheepherder from emond’s field. he still got into trouble the same way he had when he and matrim had pulled pranks as boys. only now instead of flustering the village girls, he could throw entire nations into chaos.” awww. walking the thin line between “it’s so sweet that she still sees rand as his old self” and “it’s so frustrating that she refuses to recognize him as an adult and a leader rather than an irresponsible teen” lmao. also, why tf is she calling mat matrim in her narration???

“nynaeve still felt guilty for leaving [elayne and aviendha], but somebody had needed to help rand cleanse saidin.” maybe you would feel less guilty if you’d told them where you were going and why instead of vanishing in the night without so much as a note and then avoiding them in TAR ever since! but i blame the narrative more than nynaeve for that whole thing seeing as the narrative just really doesn’t want elayne and avi to know anything about rand’s life, for whatever godforsaken reason. (so that min can be his primary girlfriend. that’s the godforsaken reason. genuinely it feels like rj decided every character absolutely had to be paired up in a nice heterosexual relationship, realized there were more female characters than male, and put 3 of them with rand so that none of the women would remain single (oh the horrors!), then immediately sent rand and min off alone so that it could still feel like a respectable monogamous relationship. and elayne and avi continue to love and think about rand in their povs because oh the horrors if they didn’t have a boyfriend, while rand only thinks about min in his because oh the horrors if he had a poly relationship.)

“min was there in the tent, of course” of fucking course, seeing as she’ll disintegrate to dust if she ever goes 10 feet away from rand for more than 10 seconds “she was closer to [rand] than anyone” 🤮 i hate it here

nynaeve is all up in arms about rand and min Having Sex While Unmarried, which is obviously stupid, and rand has told her that he can’t marry min because that would make his death hurt her more, which is also stupid, but i would hate it if rand did marry min so i’m not gonna argue. also, why does nynaeve not spare ONE thought for the fact that rand is also in love with two other women - both of whom are very close friends of hers, unlike min - in this whole thing?? like, she’s listing out rand’s Sexual Improprieties and doesn’t mention that he’s also dating 3 women?? and you would totally think nynaeve would misunderstand the poly situation and resent min for stealing away nynaeve’s best friend’s crush/boyfriend! nynaeve was always hearing about rand from elayne and giving her advice and being invested in that relationship! and yet her only objection to rand/min is that they’re not married, not that it’s potentially unfair to elayne! the narrative doesn’t think it’s unfair to elayne, and elayne doesn’t think it’s unfair to elayne (even though min ABSOLUTELY WOULD think it was unfair to min if their situations were reversed), but i do and you’d think nynaeve would too! that is her best friend’s man waltzing around fucking some other woman 24/7! no way in hell would our fiercely protective and also incredibly judgmental and traditional nynaeve not have a problem with that even if she did witness all the love confessions!

aviendha arrives in the tent. she and rand are now seeing each other for the first time since caemlyn (which barely counts bc they exchanged 2 words and didn’t have a single real moment together). AND NEITHER OF THEM REACTS IN ANY WAY!!! like yeah they’re in the middle of a war council so it’s not like they’re gonna start making out, and we’re in nynaeve’s pov so can’t know about their internal feelings (which is a poor writing decision in and of itself, setting this moment in her pov instead of avi’s or rand’s) but where are my heated and meaningful glances?? my lingering looks?? my breaths catching when they meet each other’s eyes for the first time in weeks/months?? my quickly glancing away agains in hopes that other people won’t notice?? and nynaeve also does not react in any way! she KNOWS that avi and rand are dating and doesn’t say a single word about it here! if i didn’t know they were dating, i would have absolutely no idea from reading this scene! so much for my fucking avirand reunion! ugh!!!!

rand says that the aiel were in andor to help elayne. in a previous book bael had complained that it was foolish of elayne not to accept aid from whatever spears were available and bashere had to explain to him about the intricacies of wetlander politics, but here bael says “she was right to refuse aid. i’d rather run across the entire waste with a single skin of water than have leadership of my clan handed to me by another.” Sanderson Inconsistency Alert (also for an aiel to call it the waste instead of the three-fold land). and in response “rand’s expression grew dark again, his eyes stormy” even though in the previous book he’d come to acknowledge that elayne was indeed right to refuse his aid with caemlyn. another Sanderson Inconsistency Alert, or maybe just a standard Regression Of Rand’s Non-Min Relationships.

okay so rand wants to STOP ituralde’s kickass campaign against the seanchan so that the seanchan will be his friends. SIGH. i understand about the whole allying with former enemies against the shadow thing, i know, i know, but i just will never like it!

there’s tension between rand and the aiel in this chapter. “we are not kidnappers.” “you are what i say you are, bael.” “we are still free people, rand al’thor.” “i will change the aiel with my passing. i don’t know what you’ll be once this is all through, but you cannot remain what you were.” gee, if only rand had an aiel partner who could be relevant here and talk to him on her people’s behalf and talk to her people on his behalf! if only! rand/avi as a bridge between two cultures and rand/elayne as a political powerhouse are SO RICH narratively and plot-wise and character-wise, and they were COMPLETELY WASTED in favor of rand spending all his time with an in-universe-ly useless and a narratively useless love interest who CONTRIBUTES NOTHING TO THE STORY!!! I HATE IT HERE!!!!

now we get some siuan/bryne nonsense. feeling heterophobic in this chili’s tonight.

aww egwene is completely willing to believe saidin’s really been cleansed, when near everyone else we’ve seen has been skeptical and dismissive.

random thought but: egwene needed an army/general to besiege tar valon. elayne needed an army/general to hold caemlyn. perrin needed an army/general to attack malden. rand needs armies/generals always. and where is our protagonist who was set up as the greatest general of the age? fucking about in a circus in the middle of the woods! what a waste. what a narrative waste!!!! mat could have fit into any one of those plotlines better than his own and been more useful and had more character development there than in his own!

now, perrin thinks it’s weird that tam calls him my lord and tam does call him just perrin when they speak in private. thank you sanderson!

tam mentions the queen of andor being pissed if they tried to bring back manetheren. he doesn’t know that’s his daughter-in-law! the mother of his grandbabies! not that rand knows that second thing either. but still!!! i’m weeping!!

wait a minute wait just a minute. now we have tam AND morgase in the same traveling party, both unaware that their kids are dating and expecting babies together..............jots down note to resolve this in my avimatrandlayne fic series since i just know the books won’t resolve it. man if i don’t get to see lini react to elayne being pregnant out of wedlock with the dragon reborn’s children and also having a shared aiel girlfriend with him, then what’s this all been about?

anyway, perrin says “the sooner that elayne takes her throne and sends a proper lord out to the two rivers, the better.” 1) confirmation that perrin knows who elayne is, nice lmao 2) why the fuck does the two rivers need a permanent lord?? they were doing just fine before! i’ve hated this arc since tsr.

perrin says, to tam, rand’s father, who has not seen rand in ages and is very worried about him and only just found out he’s the dragon reborn because perrin didn’t fucking bother to tell him earlier, “[rand] seems to like scooping up kingdoms. like a child playing a game of wobbles.” then notes that tam smells concerned and does nothing about it. what the hell perrin! i don’t want to hear any of that “mat is the worst friend to rand” nonsense, perrin is Clearly the worst friend! i bet mat would make an effort to console tam about rand if he were here, or at the very least not say upsetting things about rand in front of him. as a general observation, for all that perrin is allegedly so thoughtful and slow to speak, he is not very empathetic and never has been.

but perrin gains some points back by acknowledging that he hasn’t been a good leader lately and has ignored all his other obligations to focus on faile. “aram had been a friend” [footage not found] perrin was always annoyed by aram and rude to him “one that perrin had discarded in his quest to save faile. aram had deserved better.” yeah [sobs]

ituralde says that thom used to like juggling to entertain little elayne 😭 i’m dying for trakand family flashback cold opens in upcoming seasons

“there was a sword at [rand’s] side, and the way he walked made ituralde think he knew how to use it. he strode with firm, determined steps, as if he thought the soldiers around him an honor guard.” rand has massive bde confirmed 🥵

“something about the newcomer drew ituralde’s eyes.” “he was fit - lean and hard” “‘i am rand al’thor, the dragon reborn. and i need you.’” “‘you are my concern,’ al’thor said, eyes so hard that they seemed ready to burrow into ituralde’s skill and search about inside for anything of use.” “‘i have orders,’ ituralde said, shaking his head. wait. he wouldn’t do as this youth asked if he didn’t have orders. except...those eyes. ...eyes that demanded obedience.” “there seemed to be a...a force about al’thor, drawing ituralde in, demanding that he do as asked.” weird amount of sexual tension here. i love it. in fact, there is more sexual tension here than rand and min have ever had hjfkgjh the ta’veren pull isn’t real, it’s just that rand is hot and everyone wants to fuck him and makes up magical explanations for it so they don’t have to admit it (see: mat in tsr)

speaking of mat, rand currently needs an army and a Great General. 😤😤😤😤😤

the maidens are upset that rand went to meet with ituralde without any guards, but they blame themselves because “if a child hurts himself because he was not taught properly to stay away from knives, then the shame is upon his parents.” 🥺

apparently the maidens have been beating rand repeatedly to Teach Him Properly and rand takes it calmly but doesn’t change his behavior one bit afterwards. i miss the days when the maidens were getting him drunk and giggly and tickling him and tucking him into bed 😔

“if you listened to [elayne] talk about the aches, sicknesses, and frustrations of her pregnancy, you would almost think she was approaching death!” girl you’re gonna get pregnant with QUADRUPLETS and Then You Will See. also, this does not fit with the wifely behavior of previous books’ aviendha fussing over and coddling elayne so much that ELAYNE got annoyed!

oh my god avi thinks that wetlanders all complain a lot and initially thought this was shameful, But Then: “however, if complaining was something that elayne did, then aviendha refused to accept it as a sign of weakness. her first-sister would not act in such a shameful way. therefore, there had to be some hidden honor in it.” 😭😭😭😭😭 avi loves elayne SO MUCH!!! truly Elayne Has Done Nothing Wrong Ever In Her Life, I Know This And I Love Her. i have never related to a wheel of time character more.

avi: “not all wetlanders” you’re right, elayne would never do this

avi theorizes that Wetlander Complaining could be either a) exposing weaknesses to your companions as a sign of trust and friendship or b) a way of showing humility a la gai’shain subservience. she once shared these theories with elayne and “received only a fond laugh in return” THEY ARE MARRIED

“[aviendha] was strong and brave. not as brave as some others, of course; she could only wish to be as bold as elayne.” 😭😭😭

once again avi thinks What Would Elayne Do throughout the chapter and tries to consider problems the way elayne would 😭 thank you avi for providing me with the elayne content i would otherwise be deprived of in this book.

there’s some weird fire thing (bubble of evil?) that avi successfully puts out, like a goddamn Hero. rand comes to see what’s going on and we have our first and only avirand interaction so far: rand is angry about the fire and yelling at the sky i.e. the forsaken (i assume) that he’s coming for them, avi says “rand” and he looks at her and then walks back into the house. that’s it! that’s our only interaction in the first 190 pages (as of this scene and 250 pages as of the end of chapter 15 by which point there have still not been any additional interactions) between a couple who are a) in a committed relationship b) bonded as warder and wardee and c) in the same location together for the first time in many weeks and many books. i expected nothing and i’m still let down!! ugh!!

avi kinda plays mediator between rand and the aiel here in her convo with melaine (she says that rand’s plan is good but that he should’ve phrased it differently so as not to offend the clan chiefs), why can’t we see her filling that role in conversations with rand as well! ugh!!

“another thought occurred to her as she pushed that one away - a treacherous one. a thought of rand al’thor, resting in his room. she could go to him...no! not until she had her honor back. she would not go to him as a beggar. she would go to him as a woman of honor.” still bottling up my rant for a few more chapters, but It Is Coming. also, we all know that if avi HAD tried to go spend the night with rand, min would’ve chased her out of the house with a broom.

oh damn now egwene says it’s been “well over a month” since siuan told her in TAR about asha’man bonding sisters, which was only like 2 chapters ago. big sudden timeskip! i wonder if the other plotlines have jumped ahead a month too. i.e. how mad do i need to be about avirand potentially not having spoken to each other yet for an entire month lmao

HMMMMM seaine is described as having black hair and watery blue eyes. mesaana??????? but surely that would’ve come out when they were using the oath rod on each other in a previous book.......although maybe seaine only swore that she wasn’t black ajah, which would technically be true if she was actually a forsaken. hmmmmm.

okay so now rand has rounded up ituralde and egwene the black ajah hunters, hopefully that’s the end of some side character subplots now

gawyn returns and yes, he’s definitely being set up for a proper plotline this book! thank god! SOMEBODY needs to fill my trakand quota.

damn gawyn is basically a blademaster at this point even if he doesn’t have a heron-marked sword. a blademaster and a genius general so young, always agonizing about the mountain of duty, doesn’t trust aes sedai...........there’s some foiling with both rand and mat going on here but my brain is too sleepy to analyze further.

“all gawyn had ever wanted was to protect elayne.” me the fuck too! baby boy! “he wanted to defend andor. maybe learn to be a little more like galad.” baby boy!! i can’t wait for the show’s more complicated version of gawyn and galad’s relationship (again going off leaks here), because i can deeeefinitely see grounds for giving gawyn a galad-induced inferiority complex even if the books channel that into simple, uncomplicated idolization.

when the warder sleete starts telling gawyn about how his aes sedai has only one warder because she said she would only ever take another if sleete found someone he judged worthy: “all right, gawyn thought, wondering why he was being told this.” [squishes his cheeks] you are so stupid i love you

“‘hammar was a good man.’ ‘he was,’ gawyn said, feeling a twist in his stomach. ‘but he would have killed you,’ sleete said. ‘killed you cleanly and quickly. he was the one on the offensive, not you. he understood why you did what you did. nobody made any good decisions that day. there weren’t any good decisions to be made.’” first of all, crying, second of all, grateful that gawyn got to hear this from another mentor figure, third of all, very interesting reveal that hammar was on the offense and gawyn killed him only in self-defense, because the way i’ve seen people talk about it is that gawyn committed such an atrocity by murdering his mentor but it seems that he really had no choice and hammar was the one who attacked HIM first.

oh right, gawyn’s other current crime is that he wants to kill rand for killing morgase, but i don’t see why i should hate on him for this when he’s far from the only WOT character to fall victim to misinformed rumors that lead him to believe the worst of somebody who doesn’t deserve it. that’s kind of a theme of the entire series!

anyway, gawyn wants to have a homoerotic rivalry with rand soooo bad but rand is too busy dealing with all the forsaken who want homoerotic rivalries with him to be aware that gawyn wants one too or even to remember his existence. poor gawyn. you’ll have to wait in line.

“the pay [for the camp’s washerwomen] was small for so much work, and gawyn gave the women what little extra he could afford out of his own pocket, a gesture that had earned him laughter from narenwin sedai, but thanks from the village women. gawyn’s mother had always taught that the workers were the spine of a kingdom; break them, and you’d soon find that you could no longer move. this city’s people might not be his sister’s subjects, but he would not see them taken advantage of by his troops.” he’s a good boy! 🥺 and so like elayne! and dare i say foiling rand’s current worse-than-ever I Will Use People mentality?

gawyn finally finds out that egwene is a) the rebels’ amyrlin and b) held captive in the white tower and being “made to howl half the day” and he is turning on his men/the aes sedai just as i was crossing my fingers for!!!! oh my god it’s happening everybody stay calm stay fucking calm!!!!!

i can foresee that gawyn’s rescue attempt of egwene will cause problems and/or annoy egwene since she doesn’t want to be rescued. gawyn’s Great Crime, perhaps? but i can’t blame him for being frantic and wanting to help her bc he has no idea that she doesn’t need or want help and also, “siuan sanche had been stilled and slated for execution, and she had simply been a deposed amyrlin. what would they do with a false amyrlin, a leader of a rebel faction? made to howl half the day...egwene was being tortured. she would be stilled! she probably had been already. after that, she would be executed.” so, i will 100% understand if egwene is annoyed with him for trying to rescue her from a situation she has well in hand, but i also 100% understand why gawyn is afraid for her and is going to try to help her.

“egwene was in trouble. he blinked deliberately, standing in the square, cattle calling distantly, water bubbling in the canal beside him. egwene would be executed. where is your loyalty, gawyn trakand?” conflicted characters deciding to turn on their side (bonus points when it’s because they care for someone on the other side) is my favorite arc and the moment of that decision is my favorite moment of that favorite arc, so i am absolutely frothing at the mouth right now!!

“burn you, elaida! burn you, siuan sanche, and your entire tower. stop using people. stop using me!” gawyn and rand and mat parallels!!!!

every time i agree with cadsuane about something (again this time it’s rand being stupid for refusing to harm women) it’s such a Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Good Point moment jfkgh

on the other hand, every time cadsuane thinks about all the things she’s taught rand or wants to teach him if only he’ll listen, i become the “let me ask you a very fair question. what DO you do successfully?” vine. literally what HAS cadsuane done successfully in this entire series so far??? besides made rand even more snappish and less likely to listen to advice.

crying that sorilea going “semirhage is just a normal human she’s not even SCARY. so lame and disappointing.” is what makes semirhage start to crack hjdkfgj

“the problem was, al’thor wasn’t ready for the last battle. cadsuane could feel it in the way he spoke, the way he acted. the way he regarded the world with that dark, nearly dazed expression. if the man he was now faced the dark one to decide the fate of the world, cadsuane feared for all people.” okay so try and do something Actually Helpful about it then

we officially learn that rand and min share a room every night. while avi is all alone out in her tent or wherever. URGH!!!!

and rand officially learns (via dream encounter) that the shadar logoth man he keeps seeing in his head is ishamael resurrected. he also learns that balefire is the only way to kill someone too permanently for the dark one to bring back, and i can tell this will lead to rand going too trigger-happy with balefire.

min has one (1) generous thought about avi: “aviendha’s quick thinking had made a potential disaster into a mere inconvenience. not that she was being rewarded for it. the wise ones continued to work her as hard as a merchant’s last mule.”

min hasn’t been able to get close enough to avi to have a conversation even though they’ve been in the camp together “for some time.” the wise ones’ sudden punishments are truly just a plot device to keep avi from spending any time with her 2 polycule members who are with her now ugh (more on this shortly)

min thinks that she and avi became a little more comfortable with each other while drinking in caemlyn, “but one day did not friends make, and she was definitely uncomfortable about sharing.” AS IF YOU’VE EVER HAD TO SHARE A FUCKING THING UGH!!!! min is the one who gets 95% of the screentime with rand yet also the only one who still complains about having to share him!!! (avi complains about sharing him *with min* bc she doesn’t know min, but not about the idea of sharing in general.) elayne and avi are so onboard to share with each other, they love each other and rand so much, they are so wholeheartedly happy to see rand love the other person, it’s a wonderful dynamic between those 3 that min completely tanks!!! what the FUCK is she doing in a poly relationship if she’s uncomfortable with sharing!!!! min is that person who says they want to try an open relationship but then gets mad when their partner actually dates other people.

“she wasn’t aes sedai - thank the light - but somehow she had bonded him.” what do you mean “somehow”??? it was all elayne’s doing! as usual going out of her way to include your ungrateful ass in her own relationship with rand!!

i am literally SO TIRED of min thinking about how hot it is to feel rand’s desire for her when they fuck. if i have to read about it one more time i’ll snap!

“what was she doing trying to solve a scholarly mystery?” i sure as fuck don’t know. “but who else was there?...even those [aes sedai] who had made their oaths to him might decide that it was in rand’s best interests to keep secrets from him.” YOU MEAN THE THING YOU DO LITERALLY ALL THE TIME???? URGH!!!! and then 2 sentences later: “she felt she was getting close [to figuring out what rand would have to do about the seals] but it worried her to reveal what she’d discovered to rand. how would he respond?” EXHIBIT FUCKING A altho later in the scene she does indeed tell him her theories so, fine, i’ll let it slide THIS time. but there have been MANY other times where she tried to or actually did withhold info from him “for his best interests.”

“she’d never thought that she, of all people, would become a fool for some man.” does the fact that you think thoughts like this SO OFTEN tell you something? no? “yet here she was, following him wherever he went, putting his needs before her own.” that’s not love or partnership, that’s obsession and unhealthy codependence. “that didn’t mean she was his pet, regardless what some of the people in camp said.” LMAO WE STAN SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN CAMP also like literally the fact that min has to insist SO OFTEN TO HERSELF that she’s NOT a fool for rand and NOT just his pet.........the lady doth protest too much methinks

min on why it’s good to be underestimated: “any assassin who came to kill rand should think that he could ignore min. the would-be killer would soon discover the knives hidden in min’s sleeves. she wasn’t as good with them as thom merrilin was, but she knew more than enough to kill.” [footage not found] name ONE time when you have been a help to rand in a fight, min. scratch that, name one time you have not been an ACTIVE HINDRANCE to rand in a fight. min is also a character i am constantly asking “what DO you do successfully?”

“she loved him. she hadn’t chosen to do so, but her heart - or the pattern, or the creator, or whatever was in charge of these things - had made the decision for her.” really? because i seem to remember you going “well, since i’m fated to love rand, i’ve decided to suddenly be madly in love with him and chase him down and force him to love me back, even though he’s not my type and i don’t find anything about him attractive.” also, min-avi contrast again: earlier avi thought “i love rand because *i* choose to, not because fate said so” and here min thinks “i didn’t choose to love rand but fate forced me to.” exactly why avirand works as a Fated Romance and min/rand doesn’t!!!

“and now she wouldn’t change her feelings if she could. if it meant danger, if it meant suffering the looks of men in the camp, if it meant...sharing him with others.” you count having to share your boyfriend with others one of the top 3 worst things about dating him?? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN A POLY RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! also this reference to the looks in the camp + the earlier thing about them calling her rand’s pet + “what did it matter if soldiers in the camp didn’t know what her value was?” (sidenote, what IS your value, min? what DO you do successfully?) she is trying soooo hard to feel oppressed over some people in the camp Hurting Her Feelings, when this is literally the first time she’s ever gone anywhere and not had everybody in the vicinity fawning over her as the dragon’s girlfriend and granting her privileges. even the maidens loved her and encouraged her relationship with rand despite having previously chased off every woman but avi who tried to get close to him!

min tries to get rand to tell her what’s bothering him, he says “no you’ll think i’m mad,” she’s like i swear i won’t just tell me, so he tells her about lews therin’s voice and how he tries to seize saidin etc, and she immediately thinks “oh my god he’s mad” lmao god. at least she doesn’t say so to his face though.

min tells rand that he has to destroy the seals because “i’ve been reading herid’s books all this time, and i believe that’s what he meant by ‘clearing away the rubble.’ in order to rebuild the dark one’s prison, you will first need to open it. clear away the patch made on the bore.” not to flex on min but i figured that out the MOMENT i first read herid’s note about clearing away the rubble. i could’ve told rand this like 6 books ago. so min has now done one (1) thing successfully, but it was a thing that anybody who can read could’ve figured out, so i’m not counting it.

while rand is snuggling up with min in the cozy bedroom that they share, alone, every single night, aviendha is out in the night all alone exhausted and humiliated and doing all her useless punishments. have i mentioned that i hate it here? because i hate it here.

“[rand] was sleeping now, though aviendha had been forced to mute her bond in the middle of her night’s punishment, lest she endure sensations that she’d rather have avoided. at least, she’d rather have avoided them secondhand.” she’s out here all alone in the middle of the night having the worst time and then being forced to feel her boyfriend fucking his other girlfriend, and never even getting to say a single word to him herself let alone sleep with him!! and since they’ve been in the camp together for “some time” and rand has been spending all his time with min, i’m guessing avi has had to put up with this constantly! it’s so fucking unfair! and yet MIN is the one complaining about having to share!! and let’s not forget that there’s no way for the min-rand bond to ever be masked, since it seems that the warder can’t mask it and the bondholder can’t mask it without channeling ability (rand does mention earlier in this book that neither he nor min has ever been able to make the masking trick work), which is exactly why min has no business being a bondholder - anyway, this means that even if rand and avi ever DID get time alone together, which they never do, but if they did, they would literally never be able to get privacy from min! she would be there in the bond feeling the whole thing, unlike avi being able to respectfully mask her own bond when rand’s with min! i hate it here!!!!

okay, finally time for my rant: avi not wanting to be with rand until she’s found herself and found her honor by becoming a full wise one would’ve been adorable and a great character arc for her if it had been introduced way earlier, but to my memory we have never ONCE heard a WORD of anything like this before, either in avi’s few povs up til now or in any dialogue she’s had with rand or about rand with elayne. she’s never given any indication that she can’t be with rand until she’s a wise one and can bring honor to their relationship - true, it could be a new thing borne by the recent shame she feels over the wise ones’ inexplicable punishments of her, but the way she thought about it in her first chapter made it sound like her being with rand hinges on her becoming a wise one, not just on figuring out what she did wrong and getting her honor back. either way, i’m pretty sure this is just being suddenly thrown in here as a convenient excuse for min to remain rand’s exclusive relationship even though another of his girlfriends is literally right there in the same location and plotline and should by all rights be getting some time and emotional development with him 🙄🙄🙄

like it just doesn’t make sense, at this point avi has already bonded with rand (i initially mistyped this as “boned” and that is also something she has already done with rand jkfg) and they’ve told each other they love each other and aviendha told him that she would pick up a bridal wreath if he laid one at her feet even if that’s not the way things are done, so this just feels like a bizarre out-of-the-blue relationship regression. they got into a committed relationship in WH and now they’re suddenly back at square one as if that never happened, and they don’t even TALK to each other in any of these scenes! all because the narrative wants rand to have 3 girlfriends but does not actually know how to handle non-monogamous relationships and would implode if he was actively involved in 2 relationships at the same time in the same place, rather than always being just with 1 woman at a time because the other 2 aren’t around. and because min would have absolutely nothing to do in the story if she didn’t get to be plastered to rand’s side 24/7, so of course he can’t spend any time alone with avi and apart from min 🙄 god forbid her sole narrative function, Rand’s Emotional Support, be shared with a second character!

i will probably be blaming “the narrative” in this context most of the time now since i don’t know what things were or weren’t in rj’s notes so for a lot of stuff idk whether to blame him or sanderson lmao

oh, and the second reason for the narrative needing an excuse for avi to not spend time with her own boyfriend despite being in the same location as him for several chapters is because if she got to talk to him alone and for longer than 10 seconds she would tell him about elayne’s pregnancy straightaway and of course rand is not narratively allowed to know that yet because it would interfere with his downward spiral no-hope-for-the-future arc. ARGH!!!!! i can’t even blame avi for not telling him because this is so clearly Hand Of Author. yes i will continue to blame min for not telling him even though that’s also Hand Of Author, thanks for asking <3

speaking of rand’s downward spiral arc, it is VERY interesting how, in order for that arc to occur, he has to be cut off from all his relationships........except min. rand knowing about the babies or spending time with elayne, avi, mat, perrin, tam, the maidens, etc. would interfere with his downward spiral arc, but spending time with min doesn’t. so, far from the “min is the only one who Understands and Supports him!” take that most of fandom has, what i’m concluding from this is that min is rand’s only loved one who is narratively allowed to spend time with him during his downward spiral arc because she doesn’t hinder that arc, in other words, rand’s mental health and emotional wellbeing are not helped by his relationship with min. like, the fact that the point in the series when min became rand’s sole major relationship and emotional connection just so happens to coincide with the point when rand’s mental health began taking a sharp downwards turn...........i am looking.

anyway. overall, so far i actually haven’t noticed a huge difference in terms of writing style between sanderson and rj, aside from the occasional word choice or turn of phrase that feels maybe a bit more modern/less formal than what rj would’ve written. but definitely nothing that’s jarring, and SO FAR i’m honestly not sure i would’ve noticed there was an author switch if i hadn’t known and the book hadn’t said so. the only big things are a) while avi’s dialogue is the same, her narration in this book sounds like any other character’s narration whereas i think i remember her narration in rj books being very formal (using few to no contractions, for example) in the same way her dialogue is, however we only got a couple brief avi povs in rj books so i could be misremembering. and b) lots more pov-hopping, every chapter is a different pov character and often there are multiple pov characters within a single chapter, whereas in rj’s books there tended to be long chunks with one character/plotline at a time. the pros of the change are that it helps pacing feel faster and that if there’s a certain pov character you don’t like you’re not stuck with them for long. oh the dread i would feel when i checked upcoming chapters and realized i was about to become mired in 100 pages of perrin jfkgjh but the cons are that it can feel disjointed/jumping around too much and we don’t really have time to settle into any of the plotlines since we dart between them so quickly. and also that it makes it harder for me to decide where to cut off my recaps, which is why this post is so long, i kept thinking “oh just one more chapter and then i’ll post it” lmao

#if this post is extra salty it is probably because i don't have my emotional support elayne to soothe me jfkgjh #'min fans had best stay away' is a warning that applies to all my recap posts but this one especially. because i'm extra salty #wot #wot book spoilers

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zhongrin · 28 days

Note

K, R and Z for the selfship ask 💕✨ plsssss? 👀

selfship a-z ask game ->

crysssssss <3 you spoil me hsdlfjksljdf

K - Kissing what is it like kissing them?

𝔃𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓲 ᡣ𐭩 like basking in the sun rays flitting through our home's vitrase curtains. fragrant like the tea that touched his lips throughout the day. and as sweet as his everlasting love and adoration ᰔᩚ

ⲇⳑ ⲏⲇⳕτⲏⲇϻ ᡣ𐭩 bittersweet taste of childhood memories, leisure caresses of living at the moment, and that slight desperation of 'you'll stay, right?'

𝔴𝔯𝔦𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔰𝔩𝔢𝔶 ᡣ𐭩 playful bites and giggles masking unbridled passion. limbs wrapped around each other, blunt nails digging pleasantly into scalps. air thick with tension and the promise of something more ᰔᩚ

R - Routine what’s something they do together like clockwork?

𝔃𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓲 ᡣ𐭩 whenever i feel like having a cup of tea and zhongli is around, all i have to do is plop on zhongli's lap, and he'd bring me to our dining table, plop me down, and start preparing some tea.

ⲇⳑ ⲏⲇⳕτⲏⲇϻ ᡣ𐭩 reading together. somehow, both of us always know whether the other has finished reading or not. whoever finishes last turns over the page.

𝔴𝔯𝔦𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔰𝔩𝔢𝔶 ᡣ𐭩 whenever either of us get nightmares at night and wakes up, the other always stirs awake and cradles the nightmare-plagued one onto their chest.

Z - Zzz how do they sleep together?

𝔃𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓲 ᡣ𐭩 in his human form, he sleeps on his back, and i snuggle up to his side. in his half dragon form, he sleeps on his side because of his tail, which curls around my legs as he spoons me from behind! in his full dragon form, he's pretty much curled around me and becomes both my pillow and my bolster.... and in his chonkli form, he's all nuzzled against my chest or my stomach ᰔᩚ

ⲇⳑ ⲏⲇⳕτⲏⲇϻ ᡣ𐭩 if he falls asleep while reading, he's usually propped up by the pillow with my arms wrapped against his torso and my head buried on his sides. otherwise, he's also a side-sleeper, so he either spoons me or i spoon him!

𝔴𝔯𝔦𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔰𝔩𝔢𝔶 ᡣ𐭩 we kick each other while asleep lmao he actually loves being the little spoon, all tucked up against my neck.... it's actually really adorable. due to our sleeping habits, though, he usually ends up at one side of the bed and me at the other end the next morning.

#rin answers #rin is having tea with: crys 🧡#rin selfships #zhongrin #meitham #wrin #i love these men so very much dear god

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oneslimybastard · 2 years

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The Nunpire AU Masterpost

Aka, that one AU I fucked with a little bit that got me some attention on twitter, where Piers pokémon was a nun... but also a vampire! Yay!

From 2020 baby. I'm just really tickled by the idea of this Very Obvious Impostor with no one really questioning why they're there. Oh, the one walking around in a sexy Halloween costume? That's just Sister Piers, he never comes out during the day, he probably just gets sunburnt because he's so pale so we don't worry about it. Yeah no he's a guy, why? He's gay and devoted to our lord, amen, so the sisterhood sees no issue with having him be part of it.

I also made it part of the lore that his particular method of hunting was to play a ditzy innocent nun who'd gotten lost, then he'd get down on his knees and just suck 'em dry like a packet of coolaid ripe for M I L K I N G.

For the lord of course, amen, ave maria.

The increasing amount of corpses with Suspect Bitemarks on their wieners was what initially sent off alarm bells in town that there might be a vampire lurking around, so the ~Demon Hunting Agency~ just sent out ya boi Raihan out to deal with it, because I was way into kbnz at the time so Why Not Shippify It (still am for the record, the fixation has just died down)

Raihan was a weredragon you see, because why keep things simple when you can follow your heart? I never drew him more than once in his dragon form though which is kind of a disgrace because I still kinda fuck with it. It's very Todd Lockwood but in these gaudy colors of bright orange and dark blue, it's a fun color scheme, and I like the proportions I came up with for it. Also I got some compliments on his Hat, which agreed, the Hat is pretty Neat.

I didn't really consider the world building that intensely beyond what would make my ape brain go Unga Bunga, so he kiiinda had sealing magic or something but could also puke? Fire? He could do what he needed to for Piers' silly little vampire ass to end up in Magic Holy Bondage, that was the point, that was the ends to the means.

Similarly, I made it a Thing that if dragons like Raihan started to munch on demon hearts they'd get more powerful — but also addicted. Because if you can't tell already, I have a little thing for blood and violence and liked the idea of this dragon man trying really hard to not eat his way into Piers' ribcage to just gobble that heart up.

Piers for the record was kind of into it, and they made a deal that when it was time for Piers to just peace out for good, Raihan would get to eat his heart: because vampires are demons, their souls are tied to hell, but if you get eaten by a dragon your soul will get entrapped within them instead, which was a bit more appealing than eternal punishment for the crime of just kinda being born.

The last related thing I drew for the Au (as far as I can remember at least lmao, might be some other doodles scrambling about that I've forgotten about) was mainly inspired by VtM brainworms, where I just played with the idea of Piers having access to Blood Sorcery, because that term is fucking metal.

I did doodle some more stuff but for other ships in the same universe (mainly huntershipping) but only like. Three things. And I never really posted them anywhere nor do I intend to do so ,':)

Cus my fixation just kinda fizzled out like it usually does so I stopped drawing for it, and now I'm just kinda sitting here on a phat pile of Lore my brain spawned in because I can't help myself. Things got real cursed real fast once my Ghetsis-enjoying burst out into full bloom and I began to ponder what he'd be up to in there 8) spoiler alert: no fun very bad time for Natural Harmonia Gropius, 0/10 do not recommend.

But that's the Nunpireverse! I still like it, and might flesh it out with more art one day, right now it's mostly just a testament to what my brain looks like on self-indulgence run amok. Cross-dressing nun-vampires with dragon-shifter men and also blood kink shenanigans out the ass.

Cultured and refined tastes, you see.

#cw: blood #blood kink #vampire au #nun kink #raihan #piers pokemon #kbnz #fanart #snail's snaily art #let's fetishize that Catholicism babes #nunpire au #long post #snail's thirsty ass

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514ko · 11 months

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YNaM Retrospectives — Chap. III

And we’re back with another Retrospective! Just baaaaarely managed to squeak it out tonight. I have ambitions to do these weekly until I’ve caught up, but I’m working on other stuff in between, so we’ll see how well I can keep to it...

As usual, here’s the chapter in question:

So without further ado, onwards into the scene I dislike most in all of YNaM!

Okay, I’m being dramatic. 99% of it is just me being miffed by how I characterized Satori in the first scene. She’s legit one of my top five favorite characters, like I absolutely love her, but man this scene reads like character bashing to me now. And I wasn’t going for that! I was going for a really explosive, biting sort of feeling from Satori, but I must’ve, like, completely forgotten the meaning of the word nuance???

Like, okay, the story needs to have an antagonist. Someone whose actions are extreme enough to warrant Koishi being the way she is. Plus, someone to stop Koishi and Flandre from just getting all buddy-buddy immediately. There’s gotta be social pressure somehow, someway. That’s just how it is in romances.

But I swear I just OOCed the heck out of poor Satori to do it. I mean, I do that with all the characters to some extent (Koishi’s entire personality is inherently OOC, after all), but as I said in the last Retrospective, I still want to make them recognizable as themselves! But Satori’s just kinda mean-spirited in Chap. III, and as smug and haughty as SA Satori is, she’s not, like, mean.

I don’t even know if this is, like, a significant problem for people or it’s just me and I’m just blowing it way out of proportion, but I do genuinely regret it lmao. But the nice thing about a serialized format is that, when you do something like that and realize it before the end of the run, you have a chance to rewrite things and fix them. So I’ve since rewritten a lot of things, and hopefully fixed them lol

If this bothered you, even just a little bit, hopefully next chapter of YNaM will explain some things…

Anyway, scene 2 was kind of a spur-of-the-moment, worldbuilding sort of thing. It really didn’t change much from draft to final; I just needed a scene in which Flandre learns about Koishi’s mind-reading. I don’t have much to say about it; it kind of just exists.

It did give me a chance to show some of my Flan headcanons, though. Like, for instance, that she’s actually really smart, and knows a bunch of stuff from just idly reading all day. A book of Old English linguistics might be super dry and boring to us, but for a vampire stuck in a room all day—well, it beats staring at a wall. Though frankly, if you actually do find Old English linguistics, I applaud you. You’re much stronger than me.

Another funny thing—when I showed this chapter to a friend, they were like “oh, one of your favorite characters is Patchouli, right?” Aaaand nope! I don’t even like Patchy. I mean, I don’t dislike her; she’s just not super interesting, I guess?

And the final scene… I don’t really have much to say. It’s still among my favorite scenes I’ve ever written, YNaM or otherwise; I’m still super proud of it! It’s also probably one of the most personal, so even just rereading it is a little tough. So I’ll say this—it’s the closest I’ve ever come to capturing that particular feeling into words. It’s far from perfect, but I’m still really proud of it, and at the time it represented the achievement of a personal goal I’d held for myself for a long, long time.

I think that, in any creative field, it’s important to be self-critical, even perfectionistic sometimes—if chasing the dragon is motivating to you, it can be a great way to grow. But I think it’s equally important to be able to look at what you’ve created and find something of worth within it, even if it’s just to point at it and say “oh hey, that bit was kinda cool. I’m gonna try doing more of that!” And it's difficult to do that sometimes, really difficult, especially when you're in the pits. But if you are able to find that balance, I think your relationship with your work becomes way healthier, and you can actually build some self-confidence that way. I used to loathe my work, thinking that in order to share it with others it had to be some arbitrary shade of perfect. But as I got older, I started letting go a bit--and my writing got way better for it. And besides, at the end of the day, it's just 2hu fanfic, like--I take it kinda seriously, but in the end that's all it is looool

#ynam #ynam retrospectives

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merrigelblogs · 1 year

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Hell yeah, thanks for the tag @alienjaes !! ✨

1. Are you named after anyone? - Oooghgh boring but not that I know of? So I’ll sub in something similar but funnier- I’ve gone by Kat since the 8th grade because my username on the fockin Animal Crossing Forums that I loved as a child was katelynkat and thus got shortened to Kat, and I liked it so much I brought it to the meatspace LMAO

2. When was the last time you cried? - Bro I just moved internationally and am now Extremely far away from p much every not-my-gf person I love, I Shrimply cannot have this question posed to me rn (like. two days ago.)

3. Do you have kids? - Nah, but we might adopt someday!

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? - Yeeaahhh,,, I try not to be Mean about it but being a little asshat runs in my blood, my whole family is like this!!

5. What is the first thing you notice about a person? - Usually their hairstyle, or if they have any really striking clothing/jewelry! They’re my go-tos for compliments since they’re things that people like... Choose, y’know? So they usually seem happy to be complimented on ‘em!

6. What’s your eye color? - Blue!

7. Scary movie or happy ending? - Yes! This is a wild dichotomy! I’m a weenie tho so it depends on how scary the movie is

8. Any special talents? - Uhhh define special? I uh... I can do :3 irl!

9. Where were you born? - North Carolina babey!

10. What are your hobbies? - Oh goddamn. E. everything. Reading (mostly fantasy/thrillers), playing video games, drawing (ironically less now that it’s my job but y’know), playing dungeons and dragons with my best buds, whatever craft I can get my grubby little mitts on the materials for, doing puzzles, baking, etc etc etc!

11. Do you have any pets? - Noooo but we wanna get a cat sometime soon!! After we do our travels this year maybe! In the meantime, our dearly departed family dog Finn is forever in my heart

12. What sports do you/have you played? - Okay so I’m an uncoordinated and outta shape lil shit, but I used to LOVE sprinting and (hilarious bc I was So Small) basketball! Ohh badminton too... Nothin’ now tho, got no time or energy or place to go or-

13. How tall are you? - 5′5″, 5′6″ish? Somewhere in there!

14. Favo(u)rite subject in school? - Love that lil concession to the british there LMAO, uhh obviously I loved art but! I also really enjoyed english and psychology! I actually gave myself a bit of a headache in college bc I tried to do all my science credits in psychology and accidentally went past the “this will not count do a class in another subject” limit LMFAO

15. Dream Job? - I mean... I just recently kinda Got it? I’m currently doing my first job as a storyboard artist!! Though the reality is it’s been... Well. Got kind of a tough gig for my first one! Anyhoo, I truthfully do not dream of labor, but if I must then the best thing would be to make enough to live on by FINALLY making that graphic novel of our pirate DnD campaign that I’ve been wanting to do for YEARSSS

Bonus: any significance to your blog's name - Yes and no! No in that it’s a nonsense word, yes in that it’s a nonsense word I made up out of a mishmash of silly references to my favorite things- mer for the sea, and rigel for a star out of my favorite constellation!! Append “blogs” to it to tie this to my art blog (since this is my Main Spot) and badaboom! A personal brand that’s always available bc who else would use this username!

Ooohh tags.... If y’all wanna, I’ll hit up @ramblerogue , @frenchy-and-the-sea , @in-a-hat , @tricklesnitz , and anyone else who wants to!!

#long post #yammers #sorry I'm. chatty lmfao #legit thanks for the tag!! you're very cool!!

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treesap-blogs · 1 year

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Last of my Trans Rights Readathon reviews!! “The Wicked Bargain” by Gabe Cole Novoa

(Strap in everyone, this is going to be a long one! Not only did I have a lot of thoughts on this, but it was somewhat an excuse for one of my hyperfixs to make a cameo. I don’t think I’ve had a 2K word review since The Dragon’s Promise?!)

Hello, Tumblrians! This wraps up my fifth and final review of my Trans Rights Readathon reads!! This one in particular might’ve been anticipated by y’all, as I’d mentioned both looking forward to it and listening to it on Audible for weeks. This particular review will be covering The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa!

I feel this is the only one with a worthwhile Book Discovery Backstory(or whatever fucking name I’ve used before), to be honest: I haven’t shared on here, despite it being the platform to do so (this is just a bookish account for now and I’ve yet to post art outside of that), but I’ve been an Our Flag Means Death fan for about a year now! I’ve gotten attached to the characters, especially a select few, and consequently, I followed a good chunk of the actors on Instagram. For reference, Jim’s my favorite (although my other top three are Oluwande and Jackie, as a sidenote), so I follow their actor, Vico Ortiz, on Instagram! Turns out they do voiceover work, particularly with audiobook narration(which I found out about in November but only remembered beginning of this year?), and they made a story post in January or so that was day 2 of them recording in the studio the narration for this book. The next day they actually made a video dropping the title of it, and I rushed to go check it out! It’s absolutely delightful, reading a gay pirate book narrated by my favorite from the gay pirate show. (Even if I suck ass with staying focused with audiobooks and as a result also had to have a hard copy on hand lmao. I haven’t listened to one since my seventh grade art teacher played all three audiobooks for The Hunger Games. Sidenote, who decided those were for kids?! They’re terrifying!) Despite that being the main reason I got into the book and knew about it in the first place, somehow I ended up forgetting it was actually real and not just something I’d gaslit myself into believing until a week or two until the release date💀

(No but seriously though I followed Gabe Cole Novoa’s Instagram and regularly commented under his updates, I had grown into a certified actual TWB fan between February and when I actually read it in March😭)

So yeah! The more you know, haha. Sorry about the long rant, and also to my dear friend who may be reading this and who I have ranted about my fictional crushes enough times that he can recognize some of them (including the aforementioned) by just pronoun, based on context alone.

BUT YEAH! So the ultimate question: was this book worth the hype? Not just from me, personally, but for most of Tik Tok and some of the bookish Crew folks who’d caught on to its existence? My final verdict? Yes, yes it was. It was an absolute blast of a book.

Ok, onto my actual review now! This is already plenty long, and we haven’t even talked about the plot.

The Wicked Bargain follows (newly) 16 year-old Mar León De La Rosa, a Latine nonbinary (transmasculine) teen working alongside their father on the ship he’s captaining(and became notorious for), La Catalina. (It’s worth mentioning that this book takes place somewhere in the beginnings of the Golden Age Of Piracy, I think the exact year the story starts is legitimately 1717?) On the night of their sixteenth birthday, however, El Diablo comes to claim their father’s soul because of a deal he made with him when Mar was born, then killing everyone else on La Catalina except for him and Mar. Mar has to find a way to get him back before it’s too late, having to learn to hone their own magical abilities (fire and ice elemental stuff!) if they have any hopes of successfully defeating El Diablo, and finding a new home in the ship, La Ana, that saved them from drowning at sea. (Of course, there’s other notable characters: like my personal favorite, a gender-fluid demonio named Dami with somewhat questionable morals, and the son of La Ana’s captain, Bas, who Mar much to their dismay ends up falling for.)

(Sidenote: premise for this sounds sick as fuck, right?! There’s so much plot going on though that it’s taken me five tries to correctly condense and explain it to my friends. Five! Like..go to the Goodreads page, you’ll see what I mean. I legit needed to take a breather the first time I went ahead and read the blurb back in January ‘cause it’s a mouthful.) (I’ve noticed that the bullet-point explanation/“tagging” format used by a few Bookstagrammers works in their favor this time because they can just use a couple quotes, include “found family”, “magic”, “gay pirates” and “a deal with the devil” and call it a day.)

So as you can tell, plot-wise, this book is packed. There’s some other details and aspects I left out because it would be spoiler-y to include them, which can be overwhelming for a few (especially given on how long it takes for Mar to pick things up and start throwing baddies around, yeah it takes a while for them to actually be comfortable with using their abilities)(this does not work within the time constraints of the deal and every time it would mention weeks going by and the moon phases changing I’d be like “oh no”)! It took a bit of getting used to on my part, but it keeps things moving along and it ties into the swashbuckling part of it all (see: pirates, haha). This does not work in the ending’s favor, however, because it ended very quickly to the point where it felt a little abrupt.

I really liked the cast of characters! (I think ensemble casts are starting to grow on me a bit.) A lot of them were so much fun, the obvious favorite being Dami. While a few of their schemes got…convoluted (especially in the last act, but that was kinda mandatory for it to work), I absolutely ate up their moral ambiguity and their banter with Mar. This book also had a solid villain, too! (And an interesting pick as well, being that it’s..the literal devil lmao.) El Diablo got a kickass introduction, cementing him as a threat and a force to be reckoned with in the story’s plot, and he remained menacing throughout basically the entire book. I enjoyed that a lot, he’s probably one of the more solid YA villains I’ve read about! (Even if I have a few questions about his identity at the end. We don’t have a spoiler section for this review, so I’m keeping things vague at that?) As for the non-villainous/morally gray characters I liked, Bas, although he got a horrible first impression with Mar, remained a fun character to bounce off of them. (“Them” singular, I mean bouncing off of Mar lol.) Eventually, when the romance between Bas and Mar was introduced into the plot, I actually liked it and thought that there was a gradual shift in Mar’s opinion of him rather than a total 180 just to make it work(maybe it was because the drag from listening to this and it taking me four times as long to read, though, that made me think it wasn’t rushed). (LMK what you guys think in the comments!)

To wrap up my discussion on the other characters, Tito got mentioned only a few times I think, but he was one of my favorites too. He was just really sweet, I liked how caring he was towards Mar (especially during the point of the book when they were terrified after being discovered by him) and I appreciate fictional dudes like that. I missed him when Mar and Bas were the centerpieces of the second act and not the La Ana crew as a whole, because it meant there wasn’t any more time to be spent with him :(

Anyhow! Now, Mar themselves. They’re in emotional pain for a lot of the book, and have a sizable amount of trauma attributed to their magic(which is just called the Spanish word for it, magía, here). That prevents them from seeking out solutions related to that. I get it. But damn I was SO annoyed at them for just. Making things drag out?! Literally half of the book would’ve never happened had they just realized they had these super powerful abilities at their disposal!! The one time that Dami tried to get them to use their abilities was kinda convoluted (did the rest of the crew seriously have to be involved, too?!)(and by involved I just mean endangered bro), but their reasoning was understandable imo. When they were frustrated at Mar for their hesitance I was too oh my gods. (Seriously though, when Dami was basically about to pull their hair out because of anger and stress, I was too, and started full-on laughing because it was basically my reaction. I felt seen by that! Sigh.) Anyhow. That issue aside, I loved their characterization as a transmasc non-binary protagonist. I related heavily to their feelings of gender dysphoria, and appreciated as a Spanish learner that the La Catalina crew (and some other folks who knew about Mar not being a boy but non-binary) added the “e” ending to their Spanish when referring to them. Also, little bit of a personal note but I thought it was interesting how they presented really masculine and were alright with “boy” being used as a descriptor for themselves sometimes; a lot of non-binary rep is kept strictly androgynous(well, particularly in television because books are more diverse I noticed), and as a non-binary person who also identifies as gender-fluid and uses male/masculine labels occasionally, this was yet another facet of their gender identity I connected with :).

(Additional thoughts on the nonbinary representation: I appreciated having this be in a story within the historical fiction genre, because although yes, the characters aren’t real, there’s still that acknowledgement that queerness has always been around. It especially helped to have that be told through the Latine lense that Gabe Cole Novoa wrote it in, because in non-European/white cultures, it’s been an integral part of them but got erased by colonialism. Colonization was semi-frequently mentioned in this book, due to Mar’s cultural background, so that was a point of complexity that was brought up along with it. I’m glad that got to be highlighted here, it’s a layer of queer history typically not talked/written about in mainstream narratives because they're mostly white-centered.)

Magic system I’m a little on-the-fence about, to be honest, because we have some idea of how the strain on Mar limits their usage of it and it ties into the plot(I liked the added detail of them having to use their magic every 2 or so weeks because it would build up!), but they also get pretty powerful with little to no training and I wish the book was a bit longer so we could get more time to develop that. And, as the paragraph on Mar’s characterization gave away, we didn’t get a ton of action scenes involving magic! It stilted its development, sadly, and kinda led to the sudden influx of power in the quick ending. (I was expecting Dami to try to train them a little more! I guess that didn’t happen. Maybe it could, in a version of the story where there were a few more pages and the pacing was a little less clunky towards the last act.)

Ok, in conclusion! I loved TWB a lot. (That’s the acronym that Gabe Cole Novoa uses in regards to it, and I picked up on that because it’s fun! It’s like talking about something with a dedicated fandom.) Even though it didn’t get the highest rating of my Trans Rights Readathon books due to the pacing hindering it a little, I think I enjoyed it the most out of all of them (maybe I’m a bit biased though, see the Book Discovery Backstory). Mar, Dami and Bas have stuck with me for weeks after I initially read about them on-page in March, I still have my hold receipt for my library copy(which I had to return, sad face) stored away in a tiny box in my room, and I’ll be reading anything Gabe Cole Novoa publishes from here on out :).

(Also, I tried drawing digitally for my last fanart piece bc I just got a new iPad and it’s easier for me to sketch on this one, for some reason! I hope you’ve enjoyed the addition of my fanart!)

(Edit, August 10, 2023: I removed the second piece of fanart from this post only to include my art of Bas and Mar. My Dami drawing was inaccurate to how they look on the cover art for The Diablo’s Curse, and I felt the need to take it down for that reason.)

Book rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5 stars

(Book content/trigger warnings: Drowning, confinement, grief, gender dysphoria, some instances of underage drinking, semi-frequent mentions of colonization, mention of racial slavery.)

~Paz, signing off!

Trans Rights Readathon Reviews: 5/5

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theold-ultraviolence · 1 year

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ahhhh hiiii thank you so much for your super sweet response to my last ask!! 🥹🥹

I'm so glad that it being really long and rambling didn't bother you bc I always get really self-conscious about if I'm annoying people 😅

and also no need to apologize for not responding right away! none of my asks are urgent and you really only ever need to respond to them if and/or when you have the time and energy ☺️☺️

okay but omg him praying for a dragon has me in TEARS 😭😭 the poor baby!!!!!!!! I can actually almost see it happening like in Lilo and Stitch when Lilo is praying for a friend and she's like "send me an angel - the nicest angel you have" and then it just cuts to Stitch climbing out of the fiery wreckage of his ship and he's just like maniacally laughing

like I can just see baby aemond being like "send me a dragon - the nicest dragon you have" and then it cuts to vhagar, this absolutely enormous, terrifying, old battle-scarred dragon just like looming menacingly over the castle 😂

okay and also completely random and totally unrelated, but I know we were yelling about fall out boy together when the new album came out, and I was wondering if you were familiar with the australian pop/punk/rock band Tonight Alive? I only ask because on their second album the other side, they have this song called "complexes" and it is soooooooo aemond-coded to me. like, esp in relation to his father and re: what you said about his father barely even caring that aemond got hurt and just that whole super painful scene. idk it just seems to very much kind of describe his feelings towards his father after everything that happened. but also I'm incapable of being normal about media and I always end up listening to music and instantly thinking of my blorbos, so this may honestly just be something that makes sense in my brain 😅

ummm okay that's all the random thoughts I have today!!

sending you so many good wishes always!! ❤️

🐍 🔪

Not at all, dear! Like I said I love long messages and it is never annoying for me!

Omg NOT LILO & STITCH THAT'S TOO SWEET!!! and super fitting lmao! yet another fire ass take!😅 ok but adding to our previous ask, it's very interesting to note how, Aemond must have prayed for his dragon, yet it wasn't necessarily given to him directly, rather he claimed it. Vaghar was just there within his reach because her previous rider had passed; the object of Aemond's desire, so to speak, presented itself but it was up to him to prove he was worthy of taking what he wanted before anyone else could take it from him (which is what leads to the confrontation that results in him losing his eye). In answer to his prayers, the gods must have put it in his path, but it was up to him to either grab it or not. He took and thus had to pay the price, which if we go back to his faith - the bigger our desires, the bigger the price to pay for them.

ALSO TONIGHT ALIVE!? OF COURSE!! omg you're taking me back to my warped tour days!! yes I do remember them but I haven't listened to them since my warped tour days lmao! I'm gonna have to listen to that song because I'm always on the look-out for Aemond songs for my playlist, so thank you so much for bringing it up! And honestly, me too. Once I have a blorbo in my mind, I swear I'm like hyperfocused on finding songs or quotes that fit them. I almost always make a playlist for my fictional silly guys and it ends up being all I listen to for entire seasons 😅 so I'm right there with you!

Sending you many good wishes right back, and a lovely start to your week, my dear! thank you so much for all the random thoughts. They're always a treat to read no matter how random, in fact, I welcome the randomness! ❤️

#🐍 🔪#aemond rambles

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hanafubukki · 2 years

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Convert Anon💜 here!!

And yes!! more to cuddle the octopus boy, more to love and give smooches to

And trying to learn to multitask with all of these new appendages is going to take a while and I would be holding onto Azul for dear life as he tries to trach me how to swim and use them and if we’re basically cuddling, you don’t see it shhhhhh

And yes!! Azul seeing his octopus foem in a more psotive light!! And me giving him as many smooches as i can!! And yes!! Talk to fishies!! And tell them how much i adore the octotrio hehe, and the octotrio hearing from the fish that i was talking bout them and coming to investigate and learning im just gushing bout them

And me not knowing its a mating ritual and the twins are just staring at my dumbfounded as i bite Ace and Floyd just jumping into the tank to join me and whine that Ace isn’t your boyfriend and Jade is not so gently throwing Ace out of the infirmary before joining Floyd in the tank(wow it’s getting cramped in here) and that’s how I end uo bitten and learning about the rituals and them teaching it to me so i don’t do it again to someone else

Ans Malleus having to change his name for you is cute, cause now you’re child of fae and he is so very obviously courting you dragon style and we’re just dense to it and Lilia just watching the chaos of it

And lol- you said it while Human Hana, i dont know if there is an excuse lol, and Lilia probably would let you bite his ears more and you being his companion in life while we age and watch our friends age physically anx we’re still the same as before, it would hurt and Lilia would help us get through it, and Malleus helping too cause he knows how much they meant to you and when news of the first friend we knew died, I feel like the two would be holding you close as your cried and trembled, and trying to comfort you

And lmao Leona has to come up with a new nickname >:D and it will be interesting to see how it goes as a lioness and Savanahclaw tripping over their feet to make sure we’re taken cared of it hilarious and endearing, and if it gets to the point of can you head the love tonight i probably would nip at his neck or shoulder and nuzzle him and maybe scoots closer and Leona now has added one Lioness to his pride

And Ruggie, my boi, my l gremlin Hyena *gently holds*

And Ruggie giving us more food is so sweet and I would probably make him eat it with me cause I know how much he likes food and what its kinda like in his hometown and not know the meaning of sharing food with him and now you have unknowingly obtained one hyena boyfriend

Jack and his family pack, now plus a newly made wolf beastman who he likes, and him calling home to ask for advice is so cute! Like “Mom, how did you handle raising me?…. !! No i don’t have you a grandchild! I-Its for a friend!!” And him knocking foreheads together is so sweet and cute and i probably would do it back and watch as both of our tails wag in happiness and also maybe we lay in the shade on a warm day and if we are holding hands, you dont see shhhh

Now, there is now only one thing we forgot with this

Rook

We now have to deal with Rook more

Lolol convert Anonie, we both know jade is secretly taking pictures for black mail lolol

Leech twins are possessive, you have to learn the hard way 😌 careful who you show your teeth too

Lilia at one point has to step and be like “look I want grandkids in this century, so here’s the deal” Lolol

Shhhh Convert Anonie, that’s just a tiny tiny detail, no one has to know lolol. The faes would comfort and hug you the most and be there and knowing that sebek will be the last one to go because he’s half human will hurt the most. But he would be like “it’s okay, I loved a long life with you by my side. I leave lilia sama and waka sama to you now”

Leona now has to work harder. He wants you proud of him and his pride. So while he’s not as active, he’s much much better now. He will wear your markings with pride

Ruggie is ready to just love you after you share food with him. He might be insecure at times but he will be proud that you chose him

Watch the first years just watch you two and make having noises while jack glares at them and sebek says not to be so indecent in public 😂😂

Rook is having the time of his life! A new prey! Yes! Time to watch you as you adapt to this new lifestyle. At least you have better reflexes and sight so he can’t surprise you as much

But if you were his s/o? His love? He would om be over the moon no matter your species. I think he can also help you adapt too since he has so much knowledge.

#answered #anonie ask #💜convert anon

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licuadora-nasir · 3 years

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Could it be?: Episode 6 fic.

I made my own version of Eldarya ANE's last talk with Lance since I felt that some things were... Missing. Or not completly clear regarding Lance and Erika's past.

The reason why I put my gardienne's name instead of "Erika"? During TO you can decide if you empathize with Lance or not, if you want to understand him or just go with it and try to kill him, and my OC had a bit of hope towards him until the very last moment.

Therefore, whether you liked Lance or not in season one, I thought that it would be more proper to do not use "Erika" this time and give each gardienne more free will.

Any feedback or suggestion is appreciated ❤️ Also, if anyone wants to request anything be my guest lmao, college doesn't start until September and I don't have much to do.

I want to thank the kind @rina-nanashiro that has assisted carefully reading it and pointing my grammar mistakes (English is not my mother tongue woah what a suprise).

I certainly screwed up this time. I was feeling awful. How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I prevent it?

I couldn’t stop thinking about Edgard’s death. The image of the knife in his neck, his blood a wild contrast to the white pristine snow behind him. The only thing I could do before rushing to the ship was stupidly staring at his corpse. Tenjin and his men hurried out and I just let them. I did nothing, again.

I was on the ship’s rail, staring at the ocean like it was the most intriguing and interesting thing I had ever seen. Even the waves seemed to mock me that day. They were calm and peaceful, not like in our first journey when they almost destroyed our ship. Despite it, I would prefer troubled waters that match my mood.

What would I tell Huang Hua, Chrome, Karenn and the rest of the people who expected great things out of me? Am I worthy of a statue when I’m not even capable of saving someone who’s right in front of my eyes? Did I honestly deserve all the praise at the title of “Eldarya’s saviour”? The truth will out and soon all the Eldaryans will realise that I’m nothing but a human with small wings and sparkling powers.

The sound of footsteps interrupted my train of thought. Lance came towards me with a slightly worried expression.

— Are you alright, Kali? You seem pensive.

— Well, we could say so, yes. — I guess he would prefer to say that I seemed pensive instead of a complete failure. Lance sighed and his mien turned serious.

— Actually, you look quite miserable. You’ve barely started these long monologues of yours talking about anything that crosses your mind. — I let a sad chuckle escape my lips. This man could read me like an open book.

— Look, I’m truly sorry we weren’t able to protect Edgard. Really. — I tightened my grip against the rail and turned myself towards the ocean.

— I swore to protect him. To keep him safe, to take him to the HQ. I promised I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him. And now he’s dead.

I didn’t dare to turn my head to face him. I didn’t want to see the look in his eyes; pity or annoyance, I just didn’t want to see it. If he pitied me I would feel worse, but if he was angry, I wouldn’t hesitate to argue with him.

— Kali…

— It could have been me! It could have been Mathieu! I was there, I could have helped him.

— Accidents always happen, Kalissandra. This mission turned out to be much more complicated than we initially expected. You weren’t supposed to save his life, you were supposed to assist in the examination of the earth construction.

— But wouldn’t you try to protect one of your kind? — I regretted that the moment I said it. I could feel his jaw tightening even without looking at it. Great Kali, you just have reminded him about the extinction of his whole race.

— I’m sorry I… I didn’t want… I just.... — I couldn’t swallow the lump in my throat, and my eyes already began to burn.

— How’s that I’m supposed to be the saviour of Eldarya when I can’t even help someone that’s in front of my eyes? How can I deserve all that admiration when I can’t even do that! I could have been Edgard, Lance, I could have ended up there just like him and DIE the way he did. He was scared, he didn’t deserve it, he just wanted to try and make a living! And The Oracle knows how many people are still out there! And I’m here, doing ABSOLUTELY nothing!— I could not help but let some sobs run free. It was impossible to remove Edgard’s presence from my mind.

It would not matter how many years have passed nor the many deaths I have witnessed. The cruel truth about life would not ever stop being impressive to me.

Oh dammit, how was I even supposed to be a mighty warrior when I struggled to face death?

I felt a soft grasp on my shoulder, and Lance turned me gently to face him.

— Kali, look at me. — Without any hesitation left, I raised my head to face his deep, ice stare. I was expecting some kind of annoyance, pity or maybe even indifference, but what I found was… Determination.

— You are not him. You were truly lucky you landed right in the HQ, and I know you tend to empathize with anyone, even with the ones who don’t precisely deserve it, — He left my eyes for a brief moment. Was he talking about himself? — but right now, there’s no use in thinking about the “what if”. It has happened, and there’s no chance of going back.

— You have to learn to accept that you can’t save everyone. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, how fast you run or the prowess you have upon your powers, you will never control everything that happens around you.

— The fact that you saved Eldarya doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to be perfect. And as I told you, It’s important to be aware of our capacities, but no one is invincible, not the dragons or the aengels. — His hand came to rest on my face, his thumb brushing away a tear running down my face. Determination never left his eyes, still locked with mine. — You may have become a legend, but you are still a person. — His hand was to leave my face, but I gingerly held his wrist to keep it in place.

— I see how willing you are to help everyone in need and improve every day, even though you have skipped the training of the obsidian guard for three weeks. — I genuinely laughed at that. When I learned that he was my boss I was completely horrified.

— Fine, I promise you’ll see me there in the next one. — I gave the dragon a small smile that he returned eagerly. After a satisfied nod, he spoke to me again.

— Listen… I still wanted to tell you that you were impressive, back there. — His hand began to stroke my cheek with his fingertip. I could feel the warmth gathering in my face. — I already knew you were a precious asset for The Guard, of course…

— But I realise now that you are… More than that. — More than that? More than that in which way?!?! At this point, I’m sure my cheeks were flushed with a crimson red, and he must have noticed too, cause he seemed pretty satisfied with it.

— Well, the last time we were together, we didn’t take much time to talk. — He smiled awkwardly and withdrew his hand.

We stayed in silence, side by side, facing the ocean, for several long minutes. There was something intimate about that moment. Strangely, being beside him was… Calming. After this conversation, I felt great. Much better than these past days.

I believed we finally recognized each other. Of course, not everything was forgiven nor forgotten, I hoped we had a chance to discuss our past but right now… I could finally breathe in peace beside him. I didn’t have to keep my guard up around the dragon anymore.

I mean, he could have let me drown in the depth of the ocean and say that it was an accident. Wait, what am I even saying? That wouldn’t work. He’s not incompetent enough to let anyone drown under his gaze. Fine, I won’t thank him for any of that.

But… He did seem truly concerned about my well-being. He has given me a helping hand several times when no one was looking, and even though that’s not enough to neglect his stubborn personality, and yet…

Suddenly, I was seized with doubt. Something strange was happening between us… My heart was racing like crazy, and a small wave of panic rushed through me. His piercing blue gaze was lost in the horizon, and I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by his eyes…

I recognized this feeling. It was very similar to the one I had when we were in memoria, at the forgotten cliff. That time, I still had a small hope that there was something good left in him, and maybe, just maybe, I was right, and this was what I was expecting.

Was it possible..? That he really… That he actually had changed? I couldn’t find the Lance that sunk his claws in his brother’s chest in the Lance that was standing beside me.

I was conflicted. I couldn’t forget the man who inspired my fear, the one I hated and hurt me several times, and at the same time, a new growing feeling was overflowing me.

I shouldn’t, I… It’s Lance! We never got along, and I don’t even think he even wants to, but I was hoping… What was I even hoping for?

I have to get a hold of myself and stop overthinking. I have experienced too many emotions in a few days, and I could always ponder about this with my head over my shoulders.

In the meantime, we were getting close to the HQ, and we would have to face the consequences of our actions in Genkaku.

#eldarya #eldarya new era #eldarya ane #eldarya ne #eldarya lance #lance #lance eldarya #eldarya fanfic #eldarya fic #fic #fanfic #lance fic #Lance fanfic #Lance fanfiction #eldarya fanfiction #my writing #eldarya episode 6 #eldarya ANE episode 6 #eldarya 6×2

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aerltarg · 3 years

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Maybe this is a stupid question, buuuuut:

I just can't imagine a world that Rhaegar comes back from the Trident, wins the war and becomes king. No, I'm not a anti Rhaegar, matter of fact I like him very much, I'm just can imagine how would Lya, little Jon, this whole affair, would settle in the capital. The norm that fics (at least those I read) tend to follow is to make Rhaegar:

1. A douche, paranoid and destiny-obessed king.

2. Completely incompetent, aloof monarch, that deep down has a heart of gold, but can't really be understood.

I mean, isn't he supposed to be a scholar since he was a kid? What's are your thoughts about it?

oh, yeah, i can totally understand this! it's is the whole point in canon actually, "the wrong man came back from the trident". you would expect a hero win against his antagonist and have a happy ending w his lady love but it doesn't happen. instead the subversion happens to them with rhaegar being killed by robert who becomes obviously a shitty king and lyanna dying after him. they were never supposed to have happy ending, they were created as tragic and doomed and dead from the beginning for the whole plot to start, jon to have his parentage mystery and dany to take the passed baton as the last dragon, prophesied savoir and the heir who has to carry entire house on her back now.

as for the realistic rhaegar wins aus that's the difficult question. tbh we just don't know enough abt their situation, plans and wishes. you see, e.g. in agot we can be right in ned's head and see his motivations, what he was thinking abt, what he was planning, what he was hoping to do. but if his story was told the way rhaegar's was i bet he would have his own crowd of haters and ~intellectuals~ jumping out every two seconds w their "hot takes" how actually all hints abt what rlly happened (ned being a good man w his own sense of honour, justice and experiences affecting him and the deal w cersei's children) doesn't matter and he was an ambitious prick, planned to grasp the power by being joffrey's regent and make his daughter sansa queen. (you can actually insert there any bullshit and still don't reach the level of stupidity of such "hot takes" this fandom loves so much lmao). also he would be blamed to the hell and beyond for being too stupid and not foreseeing the future and actions of other ppl bc ofc after everything happened it's so easy to say what was so obvious to notice. also they would say that the deaths of his men and horrible fates of his kids are 100% his fault and even straight up say he killed them lmao. i can rant abt it for hours so yeah. this is a situation w too many unknown variables bc it depends too much on actions of too many characters we don't know enough abt. the only thing it's possible to tell for sure is the fact that there couldn't be any perfect solutions since things got too complicated at this point.

such fics as you've mentioned tho are just a part of this dumb fanon where rhaegar is "too prophecy obsessed"/"incapable of love"/shrodinger's rhaegar both smart and stupid at the same time/whatever/all of this combined lmfao. the man was notably intelligent from the early age as you've absolutely rightly mentioned, his guesses abt himself being tptwp have nothing to do w egocentrism as some parts of the fandom would want us all to believe unless he wouldn't be so reasonable abt it and later on, after so many years, wouldn't have changed his mind and thought his son could be tptwp.

and literally fuck all antis that think you shouldn't consider prophecies that hold real power in this fantasy world lol. you know, aegon the conqueror was said to be motivated (or at least partly) to unify westeros by the prophecy and still got the treatment of perfect/maximum close to perfect figure of a leader everyone should look up to from the narrative and grrm. prophecy obsessed much, huh? i don't even talk abt all these parallels between him and rhaegar grrm put there not for bitches to ignore them completely! and i will never get tired of reminding that dismissing prophecies is UNWISE for targaryens of all people. the house whose story is built on the dream of young daenys and her father aenar that listened to her despite common sense (or what local "anti magic"/"anti prophecies" clowns consider to be common sense). targs would be as dead as the rest of dragonlords if not for daenys the dreamer. who else in the world has as many reasons to take prophecies seriously as them?

yet antis out there act as if rhaegar is one dimensional weirdo whose every character trait is abt mf ~prophecy obsession~. like how can they miss one of the main points so badly?? the game of thrones distracts ppl from the real danger beyond the wall, yk, the one rhaegar was aware of and meant to deal with. there wouldn't be such a problem if he became king and had as many years of head start before ice zombies apocalypse as ignorant bobby b did. rhaegar had to die just for westeros to sink in shit and our main heroes to save everyone to make this story more epic LMAO

so yeah, too many ppl portray rhaegar as this one dimensional robotic creature without any knowledge of what feelings are idk even for what reason. it seems these ppl can't read for real bc rhaegar was not only intelligent af as well as dutiful ("it seems i must be a warrior" but "he loved his harp more than his lance") but also. ugh emotional?? my boy had constant emo sessions w brooding at ruins of summerhall, sleeping out there beneath the stars all alone and writing songs that made all women cry. does it sound as someone who "isn't capable of love" lol? folks act as if he was completely heartless from the day he was born (bc he didnt play w other kids ig??) but in reality their emotional range is less than the one of a spoon in comparison to rhaegar's lol. i'm not even gonna address the horrible attitude of demonizing him for his implied depression, vile clowns never listen to themselves when they talk abt targaryens and their "madness".

tldr; these fics are mostly lame af and suck at characterization if they're making rhaegar like that lol. anyway his character isn't abt being a good or a bad king, it's abt being a would-be-king for characters in books and readers in reality to sigh over his tragic aura and pretty aesthetic abt how it could've been. however, grrm clearly doesn't write rhaegar as evil or incapable as some parts of the fandom would want to try to persuade others. realistically speaking in the scenario where he wins there couldn't be any perfect decisions but it's a territory of speculations on thin air and lit nothing more since canon doesn't provide us with enough information to rlly theorize anything instead of building biased headcanons some ppl call "analysis".

but remember what barristan said about rhaegar while practically watching him all his life, from a literal baby to the man grown:

“I know little of Rhaegar. Only the tales Viserys told, and he was a little boy when our brother died. What was he truly like?”

The old man considered a moment. “Able. That above all. Determined, deliberate, dutiful, single-minded.” (ASOS, Daenerys I)

“Prince Rhaegar’s prowess was unquestioned, but he seldom entered the lists. He never loved the song of swords the way that Robert did, or Jaime Lannister. It was something he had to do, a task the world had set him. He did it well, for he did everything well. That was his nature. But he took no joy in it. Men said that he loved his harp much better than his lance.” (ASOS, Daenerys IV)

#thank you for the ask!!!#hope it didnt get too long and rambly afshsjsjs #once started talking its hard to shut up 😂#and im sorry for any possible mistakes #.txt #rhaegar targaryen #targnation #mypost #fandom wank #anti antis #majorton #*answered #asks

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markantonys · 2 years

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lord of chaos chapter 41-end: part 2

“that golden hair nestled about [elayne’s] shoulders, framing a face to make any man stare, and the moonlight softened her arrogance. if she had been anything but what she was...and [mat] did not mean just aes sedai, nor even that she belonged to rand.”📣📣📣📣 ATTENTION MATRANDLAYNE TRUTHERS!!! lots to unpack here. 1) mat 100% wants to bang elayne, and it’s not her being aes sedai that bothers him (which you’d think it would bc of all his issues with aes sedai!) nor the fact that she’s dating rand, it’s only that she’s annoying. 2) mat wanting to bang elayne and not minding that she’s dating rand is ONE step away from being chill with sharing elayne with rand. which is a few steps away from wanting to bang elayne AND rand. i’ll die on this hill.

why does elayne keep calling him master cauthon lmao i’m pretty sure she just called him mat back in tdr

“yes, i remember the stone. a fine time we all had there. do you remember something in the stone that gives you a right to make demands of me? i don’t.” 1) we DID all have a fine time in the stone, that was the one time everyone was all together and i miss it and set half my fics during it and consider it my Happy Place of the series. 2) this gives me vibes of like, mat and elayne had an ill-advised hookup in the stone and agreed to pretend it never happened and now mat is just DARING her to bring it up

“aviendha told [mat] that he had no honor, of all things, and if he could not show more respect to elayne, she herself would undertake to teach him respect.” protective girlfriend! after fighting over rand, now aviendha and mat are fighting over elayne. i want that rivals to sibling-spouses arc.

“elayne [demanded thom and juilin’s attention] sometimes, just to keep them away from [mat], he was sure, though he could not fathom the why.” mat’s like “every single thing elayne does is specifically intended to torment me” he wants to fuck her so bad it makes him look stupid. literally the enemies to lovers potential here is SO GOOD dammit! like, it’s so similar to the early days of rand and aviendha’s dynamic!

“if [mat] did not put a stop to it now, [elayne] would have him knuckling his forehead” mat and rand shaking hands meme on wanting elayne to top them

in terms of scenery description, i think ebou dar is my fav location so far. it sounds so beautiful! renaissance venice vibes!

it seems that mat deciding to stay at an inn instead of the palace in ebou dar was a key decision for his future............i’m scared

elayne scolding mat for letting olver be around drunk men. she is so ready to coparent!

our first intro to tylin.......................😒

back to rand. “i will use anybody i must. you said it yourself; i am who i am. and i’m using myself up, perrin, because i have to. just like i’ll use anybody i have to. we don’t have a choice anymore. not me, not you, not anybody!” oh my boys 😭😭

“the restrictions stand. and one more requirement of my own. from now on i expect to see the respect i deserve from you. i am the dragon reborn.” 😳 daddy? sorry. daddy? call me faile because my man pulling rank gets me all hot and bothered

“at last rand pushed saidin away, and with that he realized how wearied he had been by the struggle. loial had to carry him to his rooms in the sun palace” baby boy 😭😭 (a contrast to the previous bullet.....duality of man)

rand found his flute again and is playing it i’m going to cry!!!!!!!!!!!

“rand also asked gawyn to visit. he had only met elayne’s brother once, but he liked the man. gawyn never came, though, and he never replied. sadly, rand concluded that gawyn believed the stories about his mother. that was hardly the sort of thing you could just ask a man to stop believing. it put him in such a gray humor whenever he thought of it that even min seemed to despair of cheering him; neither perrin nor loial would stay around him when he was like that.” rand just wants a friend so bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭

that inventor guy’s note about the seals on the dark one’s prison “have to clear rubble before you can build” maybe rather than restoring them, they have to break all the seals so that they can build a new, stronger prison? jumping ahead to the epilogue, this guy gets killed before he can tell rand whatever he found out on the subject, so it must’ve been important

“berelain swept in, as beautiful as ever, in a soft blue dress cut as deeply as ever - and her eyes fell on min, in her pale rose coat and breeches. for several long moments rand might as well not have existed. berelain openly eyed min up and down. min forgot about the sitting room; she put her hands on her hips and stood there with one knee bent, studying berelain just as openly. they smiled at each other” now THIS is a ship i can get behind!!! this would actually be so good though......berelain who’s always tried to seduce men for political purposes ending up falling in real love with a woman.......min who’s always looked down on stereotypically feminine things ending up with a high femme gf..........they’re probably never gonna interact again but i’m into this!

and now berelain is back to stalking and harassing perrin, so my goodwill towards her has lessened again

rand is so paranoid about the salidar aes sedai that he underestimates the tower aes sedai and gets shielded and kidnapped!! “eat, or you will be fed” oh what a delicious parallel to “kneel, or you will be knelt” at the end of the book

rand is desperately hoping people will notice he’s missing and the wise ones will walk past and sense channeling happening inside the house, and they DO but they think nothing of it 😭😭😭😭 it is so heartbreaking that people are so set on the idea of rand being stubborn, doing as he pleases, and being about to go mad if not mad already that when he’s missing for DAYS they just think “ugh classic rand running off alone with no explanation” instead of realizing that something bad happened to him

“[mat] had to speak to the boy. he could not just grin like that at every woman he saw. and telling a woman she had beautiful eyes! at his age! mat did not know where olver got it.” MAT..........

on the girls’ mysterious disappearances from the palace: “mat knew what was going on. they were doing it just to spite him.” he is so obsessed with elayne!!!

“to [elayne’s] surprise, she realized she had not thought of [mat] in days.” elayne is not obsessed with mat lmao (but when she DID used to think about mat all the time, i’m sure it was only because of the ter’angreal. i’m sure that was the only reason.)

egwene lets logain escape! i wonder if he will indeed go to the asha’man

egwene mentioning mat is the moment elayne realizes she dreamed herself wearing a marriage knife and gets embarrassed 👀

melaine promising to name her twins min and egwene 🥺

egwene saying that rand, perrin, faile, loial, and min are together and then “all it needs is mat and the three of us [her, elayne, and nynaeve]” shut up i want that so bad i want that more than i’ve ever wanted anything and i know i will never get it shut UP 😭😭

“‘they have taken him!’ sulin wailed suddenly, shockingly. head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, she moaned at the ceiling, and the sound of her voice was enough to make perrin shiver. ‘they have taken my first-brother!’ her cheeks glistened with tears.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭 the maidens’ love for rand is everything to me

perrin charging off to rescue rand, so romantic :’)

rand and the box. it hurts so much. it hurts so much!!!!! not much else to say about it. you all understand the pain! imagine how hard this will hit in the show. books don’t really ever make me cry, but seeing this onscreen i’m going to be sobbing like a goddamn baby i already know it

“we could work together, lews therin.” “together? together. whoever you are.” this is weirdly wholesome 🥺 i am so trusting of rand’s pov that i’m always like of COURSE lews therin is really there, of COURSE it’s not a figment of the madness! so i will be interested to see if it’s ever made clear one way or the other what’s going on

turns out sevanna’s mysterious cube was not The Box (nor was the forsaken’s stasis cube. can’t believe The Box really was just a normal box), but she’s still up to something which i suppose won’t be revealed until next book. who cares, she’s just been lurking in the background for 3 books being vaguely ominous but not actually doing anything.

perrin thinking that rhuarc and berelain smell like father and daughter aww

“rand’s need seethed beneath [perrin’s] skin” first of all the ta’veren pull is so gay all the time, second of all i wish mat had felt it too and come to help perrin save rand! i was thinking, i don’t know enough about future plotlines yet to say if this would fuck them up beyond repair, but in the show it would be neat if the whole gang ended up at dumai’s wells since it’s such an iconic moment in the series, and in this chunk of the book mat/elayne/nynaeve/aviendha/egwene aren’t really doing anything but getting into place for their next book plotline. since the girls are ta’veren too in the show, maybe all 4 of them feel rand needs them and they all go, with elayne and aviendha of course accompanying mat and nynaeve. then after they can all just Travel back to wherever they need to be for their next book plotlines. just pitching some ideas if you’re reading this amazon

gawyn is being angsty and conflicted and i can’t deny it anymore, he is my problematic fav. i am knife cat meme in a sea of gawyn haters. angsty and conflicted characters who flip flop about what side to take has always been my biggest blorbo archetype, this was inevitable! gawyn hates rand and wants to kill him, but he was not involved in rand’s capture and was stunned to learn of it, and what the aes sedai are doing to rand sickens him, and yet he won’t help rand (not that there’s anything he could do against all these aes sedai even if he did want to).

rand escapes the box!!!! and goes on a much-deserved rampage

during the battle there’s a tense moment where rand and gawyn come across each other. rand hopes he won’t have to hurt gawyn, and gawyn says “one day i will see you die” but leaves without hurting rand, presumably due to both his promise to egwene and min’s reminding him that elayne loves rand. and then an asha’man tries to kill gawyn as he’s riding off but rand saves him! i have to say it, you can excommunicate me from the fandom for it, but rand/gawyn would be SUCH a good angsty ship. like what if it was the two of them who fell in love in the caemlyn garden instead of rand and elayne, and then maybe they spend more time together later somehow and develop a lil romance, but then they’re apart for a while and gawyn thinks rand killed his mom and it gets so angsty and then all this stuff happens. oh boy that would be delicious!

“perrin sighed in relief, of all things. had he thought rand would let his own people be slaughtered? but loial sighed too. light, what did they think of him?” 💔💔💔

and i finally reach the iconic “asha’man, kill!” moment. chilling. oof i’m not looking forward to this in the show, i am so bad with gore

and the iconic “kneel or you will be knelt” both taim lines which surprised me, i was expecting them both to be rand

“i forget nothing, aes sedai. i said six could come, but i count nine. i said you would be on equal footing with the tower emissaries, and for bringing nine, you will be. they are on their knees, aes sedai. kneel!” do i miss sweet baby rand? yes. but does hard commanding rand get me riled up? oh boy yes 😳

i bet egwene will be pissed at rand when this news reaches her, bc rand’s trauma being misinterpreted as arrogance has been an ongoing thread for many characters but for egwene most of all, as has the growing divide between them as egwene becomes more aes sedai and rand more distrustful of aes sedai

moghedien escapes, yikes!

overall, i think this might be my favorite book in the series! it’s the longest one but i tore through the whole thing in a week and a half (granted i was on vacation for a week so i had lots more time for reading). i loved mat’s and the girls’ stuff in book 3 but the lack of rand made me sad, the waste stuff (and cauthor content!) in book 4 was top notch but the perrin plotline dragged the whole book down for me, the book 5 rand & co plotline was great (esp the ending sequence) but elayne and nynaeve didn’t have much to do and i found the min/siuan/gareth plotline boring, but book 6 didn’t have any plotlines that dragged and there were so many jaw-dropping moments! and sad as i was about the small amount of cauthor and their splitting up until book 14, so many other characters reunited with each other and it made me very happy ❤️

#wot #wot book spoilers

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captainsimagines · 3 years

Text

To Topple A Giant || Finale

Summary: You had made it your mission to destroy even the smallest evils. When the opportunity arises to finally take down your own family after years of gaining their trust, you reach for it. And so does Steve, the man who represents a symbol of everything you hate.

Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x Reader || Avengers x Reader

Part 10 of 10 ~ Mini-Series

Warnings in this Chapter: strong language; slight reference to past sexual abuse; fluff

Word Count: 6,700+

Author’s Note: Guys... the finale! I’m crying actual tears lmao. Thank you for reading my words. It means the world.

The New Compound, July 2025, 7:09pm

The extra hour of sunlight this time of year was the easiest excuse to use for lounging on the roof to watch the sun set slowly. The compound no longer touches the clouds, but it still provides a rich view of the landscape across. There is no blowing of horns or shouts of the road hecklers; it’s a simple hour of solace to rest your chin against your arms, eat your snacks, and watch the sky change colors until nothing remains but the possibility of counting the stars.

“Hey… can I sit here?”

Your heart does a little jump at the sound of his voice. Traitor, you want to say to the pesky organ, but remain quiet as Steve wanders over to stand by you. He’s close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating from his body.

“Do what you will, Captain.” It’s simple enough of a response, you figure. You look down at the granola bar in your hand, turning it over a few times before rolling your eyes at the silly gesture. “Granola bar?”

He nods, watching as you snap it in half, and grabs the piece. “Thanks.”

You eat in cooperative silence. You take small bites, saving the granola bar so you have something to focus on during the length of time Steve decides to stay up here. He seems to be doing the same. “So what brings you out here? Another depressive episode?”

“I happen to have the perfect amount of depressive episodes, thank you very much.”

You snort, “Ditto.”

He takes a small bite and rolls the granola over his tongue. “No, I uh… I actually came out here to watch the sunset.”

“That’s sweet.” You shrug and admit your reason to him without a second thought. “I came out here to be sad, so.”

“Thor’s visit isn’t doing you any good?”

Thor is genuinely looking better. He’s started braiding his hair again, exercising with the help of Quill and Bruce, and participating in conversation without being addressed first. Seeing him makes you happy, but there’s still a glint in his eyes that reminds you of the lowest point of his life. And his lowest point was also yours. Sometimes you just want to forget. “He looks better. Healthier, got some light back in his eyes. It’s just whenever we look at each other we think of the same thing, I guess.”

Steve hums low and his shoulder brushes yours. “Loki.”

“It’s good to reminisce and all but I’ve got my limits,” you say.

“What was the special connection between you and Loki anyway?”

You grin at such an innocent question. Steve had never been close to Loki, didn’t really like him much, but he tolerated the God wandering about. You figure he genuinely wants to know. “I met him a little bit before I was assaulted. Everyone in the compound had their suspicions but no one asked. It was like they were avoiding me but also trying to help, I don’t really know. It was a weird time. And Loki, after we caught that dragon thing and really, really properly met, just straight up asked me why I was so distant all of a sudden.” Your chest warms at the memory. “I told him. And you know what the first thing he said to me was?”

Steve shakes his head a little and his eyes follow the tilt of your mouth. “‘What a cunt’.”

He startles himself into a laugh, the rough word not expected. You continue, “It was the first time I laughed in four months.”

Steve follows your gaze out to the sunset. He suddenly feels guilty, out of the loop, sad. You had only mentioned your assault to him once when you discovered Tony’s afterlife gifts, and he never brought it up again. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were-”

“Bucky had just moved into the tower and all of your attention was on him. I don’t blame you for not seeing me.”

It’s true, but Steve doesn’t forgive himself. He’s had two years to check up on you and because of his own selfish choice, he’s let you slip from his fingers. A question bubbles from the back of his mind — one that he doesn’t think twice about finally asking. If he does, he won’t ask. “Do you miss… me?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Sam put the idea in my head and—”

You sigh, “Steve, it’s the fact that he had to put the idea in your head. I can lie and say I’ve been all fine and dandy, or I can tell the truth and say I’ve been all fine and dandy. Take your pick.”

Steve stares at you for a long moment, mouth parting around invisible words. You’re staring at the sunset, avoiding his gaze but aware of his eyes on you, and he misses you. He truly, terribly, misses you. He decides he’s got nothing more to lose — he’s already lost you. “Well, I miss you. Do with that what you will.”

The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes: wind in your ears, legs shifting when too much weight has been applied, tiny sniffs of the nose. You don’t really know what to do with that information. Steve misses you. And you miss him. But he doesn’t deserve to know that. There’s been no apology from him, just things he’ll do to appease Sam.

At the three minute mark, you groan quietly and turn to him. “Are you seriously still going to watch the sunset up here?”

Steve smirks and watches you from his peripheral. He really has missed being on the receiving end of your various tones of voices. “I have been told that I’m impossible to get rid of, so yeah.”

His company isn’t all that bad.

Present Day, 2025, 9:07am

Perhaps there were good things that came from being locked up for over two weeks, alone. Last time you were locked up with the team and there was absolutely no special treatment after that. Now you’re resisting the urge to burst out laughing as Steve piles on the seventh massive pancake on your plate; or rolling your eyes as Sam keeps asking if you want more maple syrup — ‘What flavor? We’ve got six!’ — and Peter’s drowning Bucky with questions about who he encountered at the wedding.

“Is it the same as Netflix Narcos?”

“No,” you say bluntly.

“Is the Amazon series legit? Like, did Omar really kill the DEA agent?”

“No.”

“Is Omar as evil as they say?”

“No.”

“Damn,” Peter groans, piling a forkful of pancakes into his mouth. “Nothing’s as exciting as it seems, huh?”

Everyone looks to him, then to each other.

Steve clears his throat, “I was literally shot.”

Mouth full, you follow. “And I was abused for years.”

“And I had to deal with them while with HYDRA,” Bucky says with his mouth full too.

“Man, they shot at me. That counts,” Sam adds.

“And I finally got to use the shield. While being shot at,” Scott says.

You interject, “Technically I was being shot at.”

Even with such a cloud of violence, with gruesome memories — memories that would just be shoveled into the pile of things that no one is ever going to talk about again — you all begin laughing. Poor Peter missed out on a lot, but he can put two and two together. He knows this is his only chance to ask before you all lock it away and call it just another mission. It doesn’t hurt to humor him.

And even though you won’t mention it to any one else unless they ask — this wasn’t just another mission for you or Steve. Things have changed and the both of you know it. The aches within your chest are no longer negative or a bother, but instead are blooming flowers that have laid dormant for years. You’ve been plucking petals for as long as the two of you can remember, and it’s about damn time you both end up on the same page.

Everything has been quiet. Sure, there are bounties on everyone’s head but when is there not? You’ve pissed off more cartel leaders and gang leaders and political enemies than you can count on two hands, so this enemy territory is not all that foreign. You recognize the high trees, the gray skies, the mud beneath your boots. But you’ve got friends on your team that know how to climb those trees; friends on your team that know how to move the clouds and make the sky the talk; friends on your team that would hump through mud and snow watching your six.

You can’t believe you even thought about leaving after the mission in the first place. This is where you belong, where all of you belong, because you’re the only ones with good hearts who qualify for the job.

As breakfast winds down, Steve takes the opportunity to sprinkle in moments of long-awaited public displays of affection. When you go to refill your orange juice, he sneaks a kiss on your cheek. When you go to wash your plate, he makes sure Peter is looking the other way before patting your ass. And when you’re the one to envelope his slim waist from behind, he melts in your combined warmth.

“So, about our date,” Steve inquires, cheeks turning pink but voice unwavering. He looks brand new, refreshed, and there’s a shine in his eyes that you haven’t seen since forever. You can’t remember the last time you have, but you figure it must have been back when the world hadn’t yet swallowed him whole. Now, he’s burning bright with the youth his soul has missed.

You jump up and down, “Ooo, exciting!”

Steve takes you by the waist, swinging you in every direction. It’s uncoordinated, messy, and not exactly dancing but it’s pure. “Chinese? Pizza? Just fries?”

“¿Por qué no los tres?” Pursing your lips, you wait for his answer.

“That can be arranged.”

You gasp dramatically, “You’re spoiling me.”

“Well I have two years to make up for it.”

That startles a laugh from deep inside your chest. “That’s gonna be our inside joke now, huh? Two of the worst years of our lives and we’re joking about it.”

He blushes along with you. “I think that describes our relationship perfectly.”

“Our relationship…” Your voice comes out like a melodic whisper and Steve feels it in his bones.

He grins down at you but before he can respond, someone enters the common room rather cautiously.

“Oh, now what the hell are you doing here?” Steve demands, pushing you to stand behind him. The gesture is nice, but completely unnecessary. Friday would have alerted the team if someone entered the grounds armed.

Agent Kavert raises his hands, “Relax. I’m not here to arrest you or anything.”

Steve tries to move his shoulders in a way where Agent Kavert can’t see your head. But you maneuver around him, somehow ending up peeking your head through Steve’s underarm. “If I know the law, and I think I do, you can’t really arrest someone in their own house anyway, right?” You pat Steve repeatedly on his side. “Right?”

Before Steve can respond, Agent Kavert speaks. With Steve guarding you, it seems the only thing Agent Kavert wants to do is get in and get out as fast as he can. “I just came to apologize. Ballistics came back and the evidence does show that you didn’t kill Ernesto Vega. It was Ramirez’s issued gun.”

Yeah, you think. The gun Seda stole.

“Oh, what a breath of relief! I almost forgot I was there.”

He sighs and his lips pull into a small smile. “You’re not gonna tell me where Ramirez is, huh?”

Steve takes this as his cue to leave you two alone, but not before squeezing your hand on his way out. He nods over to Peter, who’s still crouching in the kitchen, unseen by Kavert. Peter gives him an enthusiastic thumbs up, happy to spy for his Captain. But you know he’s really asking Peter to take care of you while he’s gone.

You let out a heavy sigh. Omar has been wanted for years for another murder he didn’t even commit. And now, he’s wanted for another. He may be a giant with morals, but even he can’t escape the gruesome reality that plagues the wicked.

“I don’t even know where he is. If you came looking for answers—”

“No, I just… Everything’s been so fucked up since half the universe came back. And the possibility of an Avenger being bad, having played us for years — I think it just scared a lot of people.” Agent Kavert actually looks sincere. He adjusts his footing and chuckles a little under his breath. There’s a fine line creasing his forehead, but it isn’t formed from stress. He’s smiling, an honest look, and his eyebrows pull inward. “And Shakespeare? Really?”

Rolling your eyes, you shrug and lean back against the counter. “When half the world disappears and takes your family and friends with it, there’s really not much else to do.”

And besides, Loki was really into Shakespeare.

You continue, deciding at the last second to throw Agent Kavert a bone about your past. “Shield didn’t know but Nick Fury did. So did Pierce. And when Shield fell, Fury just hid it even more.” You give him a half smile. “We weren’t helping the cartel. We were slowly taking it apart.”

Agent Kavert nods, thinking it over. “The deal Jackeline made with us was pretty simple. She’d tell us all the inside secrets that she knew and in exchange, no charges against her and none so serious for you.”

Your shoulders slump and you shoot him a blank stare. “Was it really that simple? Like, I could have just used her as my one free call?”

“Joke all you want. You should have called us when Shield fell. The double agent thing was risky and everyone needs help taking down a giant like that.”

“I did have help. Involving more people was never planned.”

“He was just as much our mission as he was yours.”

Agent Kavert, as sorry as he looks, still doesn’t seem to get it. But that’s fine, you think. Not everyone can. And you’re not in the mood to argue anymore. “No… he wasn’t.”

He seems to read your mind because he simply accepts your answer. “I really am sorry for accusing you. And for the government arresting you alone and letting the white man go free.”

A tiny snort tickles your nostrils. Agent Kavert is white, and it’s even more amusing considering he’s being serious. “Thanks… I guess.”

He turns to leave, seemingly normal, until he spins on his heel and claps his hands. “Oh! And by the way — don’t leave the country. The charges of conspiracy and murder have all been dropped. But there’s evidence of drug smuggling. So, you’re on house arrest.”

Your eyes widen and you reply with a sarcastic yell. “Thanks!” He turns to leave again. “You’re fucking with me, right?”

He glances over his shoulder, “Could not have let you just get away with it. Some of that smuggling was under no order from Shield at all.”

“You know I can easily disable that ugly ass ankle bracelet you’re about to give me?”

He chuckles low, and finally waves goodbye. “Goodbye, Agent Y/LN.”

You stand dumbfounded, slightly annoyed, but you figure it’s better than actual jail time. Peter rises from his hiding spot and walks over to you, blowing air from his mouth. “Friend of yours?”

You whip around to point a finger, scream and laugh mixing into one. “No friend!”

Peter finally hears that accent Steve can’t stop talking about.

It’s a tiny portrait, sealed in a tiny frame and hidden in a tiny room. The frame is black with professional wooden carvings that make the sides look like perfectly detailed tree trunks. It’s in between the portrait of Tony and Natasha’s bracelet. Tony wears the same AC/DC shirt Steve has somehow stolen and claimed as his own. He’s got this sarcastic grin, some type of wrench in one hand while his other rests on his hip. He stands in his lab, glasses pushed up onto his head and black soot smudged on his cheek. You think Peter snapped the photo back in 2017.

But the middle portrait is your favorite. It’s the only photo he ever allowed to be taken of him. Brushing your index finger against the glass, you trace the small outlines of Loki’s jawline, to his thin pink lips, to the bulb of his nose, to the waves of his hair. He sits caught off guard, book in his hand and in regular human clothing. He shoots a rather annoyed but joyful look over his shoulder as the camera was shoved in his face. You know for sure Wanda took that photo.

“You’re not dead,” you say as you study the blue of his frozen eyes. A God doesn’t die, you remember him saying. Loki was wrong about a lot of things, but you pray he wasn’t wrong about this. There’s a small part of you that wants to speak the same words to Tony and Natasha, but there’s only so many times the world’s axis can shift for a miracle. You tap the glass, sighing a breath of acceptance, and finally let go. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Smiling up at the ceiling, you think you’re right about this one.

It’s quiet. The only sounds are the mild ripping of wrapping paper and small ‘thank you’s’ from the team. Everyone got each other something — granted, everyone got something small for everyone. No matter how much Tony joked about still splurging on Christmas shopping, his promises weren’t exactly kept. He’s gotten everyone things they actually need or wanted. Steve, a new drawing pad; Natasha, a bright pink knit sweater; Rhodey, a new watch; Bruce, a pair of sunglasses; Nebula, a dark blue knitted sweater that she immediately presses against her cheek, eyes focused on the ground as she savors the soft brush; you, the full collection of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets. And he finally presents the baby’s crib to Pepper, constructed three weeks after she originally asked him to.

“I know how much you like to reenact A Midsummer Night’s Dream in your room,” Tony grins at you. Biting your bottom lip, you throw yourself at him and hug him tight. He returns the hug with just as much strength, if not more.

As the night goes on and midnight rings, your small group exchanges tight-lipped merry Christmas’s and happy holidays. Natasha retires to her room, a distant look in her eyes as she says goodnight. No one knows where Clint is.

Steve nudges your elbow with his once the room empties. He holds out a box with festive wrapping — snowmen with carrots for noses and a variety of pebbled smiles. “From me and Okoye.”

“You got me a gift?”

Steve’s brow furrows as he nods like it’s obvious. “Of course. You’re my friend.”

“Well, now I feel inadequate,” you laugh. It comes out wet and it’s then that you realize you’re tearing up. “I promise to reenact Midsummer for you, okay?”

Steve chuckles, “You got it.”

You unwrap it slowly, half wondering why Steve and Okoye teamed up to get you a present. You. Your stomach churns an innocent whirl.

It’s a long sleeved vest… or sweater. You can’t really tell until you pull it from the box. It’s intricately designed and it takes a moment for you to finally see it, to finally understand, and the moment you do you exhale a wracked breath.

It’s not Wakandan fashion. It’s threaded with the colors and swirls of a place you haven’t called home in years. It has red flowers down the vest portion and multicolored rows down the sleeves and back. It’s made from a thick fabric that’s rarely used this century. Vintage — home.

“Steve…”

Steve clears his throat, “Now, I only did the flower parts. Okoye found it unfinished in… um…”

And there, where tags from brands would usually be, is a small threaded engraving.

‘From Bucky, To our muñeca.’

“He didn’t get to finish it so I thought I would — you know, help? — so it’s really from Buck. Probably an apology for not letting you visit him in Wakanda.”

Steve tries to push out a laugh at his poor joke, but you can see how he’s faltering. You reach up and wrap your arms around his neck, dragging him down so his knees bend, and pour as much nonverbal thank you’s into the hug. He hesitates at first, arms floating awkwardly, until he swallows his fear and wraps his arms around your waist. He holds you to him tightly and breathes in the sweet scent of your vanilla shampoo.

“Thank you.” Your voice is small, but Steve regards the delivery as powerful.

You wear it once, that Christmas night, enveloped in its warmth as you slept. In the morning, you hang it in the back of your closet.

A knock on your bedroom door sounds through your headphones. Bucky peeks his head in, “Is now a bad time?”

Sitting up, you pull the headphones from your ears. “Nope. Just thinking about how I’ve lived several years in the span of one week.”

Bucky lugs in a sports bag in one hand and a manila file in the other. He places them at the edge of your bed and proceeds to bounce in the available space near you. “Yeah, that can be annoying.”

You attempt to shove him away as he tries to steal your blanket. “Did you need anything?”

“Yeah.” He lets you take it, and simply turns on his side to face you. “What’s gonna happen between you and Steve?”

It’s an innocent question, but you know Bucky well enough to notice when he’s stressed. Steve probably told him to mind his business. “We’re good.”

He inspects your face with squinted eyes, “I know what you’re thinking so cut that shit out. This isn’t one of those missions where the feelings will just go away.”

“Funny thing is, I believe you,” you admit, watching as his face does something unexpected. His smile drops suddenly, like he didn’t expect you to agree with him, and then it’s immediately back full force.

“Peggy and Steve - right person, wrong time. You and Loki - right person, wrong time. You and Steve, all those years ago — right person, wrong time.” A weird thing happens: you agree with him again. “But now, after everything — right person, right time.”

“It’s just weird feeling like it’ll actually work.”

“That makes us seem like we’re all broken, doll. We’re not.”

You turn so you’re facing him; two mismatched parentheses. “We’re just tired.”

“We’re just tired,” Bucky agrees, smiling. “I’m not saying don’t look over your shoulder whenever you feel like it. Hell, I still look over mine.”

Snorting, you roll closer to hug him. He pulls you into his chest. “You give amazing pep talks.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why they gave that trophy to Steve.” Bucky shares the intimate moment for as long as it takes before the blanket starts overheating. He groans as he sits up to retrieve the things he brought with him. “By the way, our mutual friend sends one last warm regards.”

Bucky throws the sports bag onto your lap. “What’s this?”

“Your shit.”

You don’t even want to ask him how he packed your things without your knowledge. “Kicking me out, Barnes?”

“Clothes, toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, pads, the quilt I just finished knitting thank you very much,” Bucky lists and hands you the file. “Maribel found him.”

“Ramirez?”

“Your dad.”

You snap your head up to look at him. Bucky expects to see anger, hurt, maybe even betrayal. He was prepared for it. But you just look confused, lost for words, maybe even scared. “Goes by Richard these days. Lives with his wife in Wisconsin, no kids, keeps to himself.”

You flip through the files, holding your breath. The file is small, Richard’s information only covering the first page, the rest just drabble. He seems relatively normal, looks normal even; normal job, normal credit score, normal upbringing. It doesn’t even seem real. You close the file and set it aside. “So you are sending me away?”

Bucky smirks, “It’s a suggestion. But I took the liberty of doing the hard part for you.”

“Yeah, because packing my lady products is the climax of this story.”

It didn’t go unnoticed that Bucky called Richard your ‘dad’. Everyone either referred to Ernesto as ‘your father’ or by his name. Steve had said ‘dad’ a few times before he met him, then he never said it again. Hell, even you did sometimes.

It’s a sweet distinction and you’re certain Bucky said it on purpose. Bucky takes your hands in his, “It’s been a long time coming. But at least we can both say that the people who hurt us can’t hurt us any longer.”

You can. You really can.

Bucky’s already packed Steve’s shit as well. Steve’s just shoving extra socks into his bag when someone knocks on the door. He expects Bucky or Sam, final words of encouragement, but it’s Scott. And he’s standing there grinning like a mad man.

“So, what’s the verdict, Rogers? You going after her or not?”

Steve huffs a laugh, “Think you already know the answer to that, Lang.”

Scott closes the door behind him and leans back against it. He shoves his hands in his sweater pockets, “Not that it should matter, shut me up if I cross any line, but everyone supports this.”

“Weirdly, I think it does matter. We’ve had you guys picking sides for two years. Selfishly. Like we were having a fucking civil war after everything.”

“Yeah, well.”

Steve huffs a laugh. It’s always going to surprise him just how comfortable Scott is around him now. Not afraid to tease him or call him out on something he doesn’t agree with. It’s refreshing.

“I’m not giving up on her, Scott. Not again.”

Scott nods. Perhaps breaking the mission ethic code wasn’t a bad thing after all, Scott thinks. He gives Steve a proud smile, genuine. “Then I hereby declare our hanging conversation officially closed.”

Steve wanders from his bedroom, to the conference room, to the main living room without an end destination in mind, seeming to just follow his quick feet as they lead him around the halls of the compound. He’s proud of himself, really, because he truly believes he’s learned to swallow his pride, has opened himself up to the possibility of being happy, and accepted that the world has changed and will continue to alter whether he likes it or not. He was, is, and will always be a man out of time — he’ll never fit but goddamn does he feel settled. He hasn’t felt this sane since before the war — which one? — so he relishes in the feeling for a few calm seconds.

He feels tears well-up on his water line and feels the pressure in his temples. He’s at a crossroads — both proud of himself for finally choosing the path he wants and relieved that this week, this mission he has dreaded for almost ten years, is over. He doesn’t know if he should sleep for a month or occupy his time with other things awaiting repair. A build up of five years, grief and loss and happiness all weirdly mixed into one pot, and Steve simply hasn’t noticed the improper portions of each ingredient.

It’s too much.

He thinks about his mental health. Shot to Hell, he jokes with himself. He’s already got the virtual therapy appointments scheduled. He figures he’ll get better with time and if Steve knows one thing for sure, it’s that he’s got a whole lot of that.

He thinks about Sam and Bucky and Scott — his three best friends that have gone to the ends of the Earth and back for him, and who would proudly do it all over again. He thinks about their kind words, their gentle touch, their devotion that Steve still sometimes feels he doesn’t deserve.

And he thinks about you. To anyone else, this was written in the damn stars. No, there wasn’t anything extremely obvious in the first few years. You were friends. Friends that grew to consider each other teammates. Teammates that drew a drop of blood while fighting on opposite sides. Teammates that recognized the true endgame, teammates that helped each other escape, teammates that went silent for two years. Two years of no contact, no signal of survival. Then again, teammates who stood by as their world crumbled around them. Teammates who grew to be friends again, leaning on free shoulders and seeking help through happy conversations and long nights. Friends that brought the world together again, only to rip each other from their own. Friends into the most bizarre of enemies. And enemies back to teammates.

Steve wipes a hand down his face as he fixes the strap over his shoulder. The common room is empty — he likes it this way. That means everyone is either napping, getting food, visiting friends or family, simply living life. The silence is therapeutic.

His eyes fall on a crooked picture frame near the television. He tries to ignore it, almost to the door and ready for another road trip, but he steps back. Then forward, then back again. He groans in frustration of himself and moves to turn the frame back in place, holding it for a few seconds until it stays. But as he lets go, it tilts once more. He tries again — it tilts back.

He pulls the frame from the hook and turns it over. He rightly freezes, the presence of a small pink paper airplane taped near the edge knocking the wind from his constricting lungs. He pulls it off, careful to not tear the delicate post-it.

He never found it. Natasha probably placed it behind this very picture frame in the other compound for him to find. Surely the explosion should have destroyed it — but it didn’t. It’s right here, perfectly intact, just a smudge of dirt on one of its wings. The frame hadn’t been damaged either. It’s real.

He holds the thin piece of paper like it’s the most precious thing in the world.

Steve turns it over between his fingers a few more times, before he carefully folds it back in half and puts it in his wallet. “You’ve got some nerve, Nat. But I hear ya.”

Steve decides to write you back. He hides the letter in that sweater he knows you don’t wear anymore, in the far back of your closet, and marvels at the intricate stitching while he can. He poured his heart out, even if it’s not guaranteed you’ll ever see it.

‘Yes, I found your letter. I found it when I was looking for perfume in your suitcase. The tape was loose and I violated your privacy. I’m truly sorry for that.

But I felt compelled to write you back, in case the reverse happened and I died instead of you. I didn’t write it then, when you were drying your hair in front of that impossibly small mirror you so weirdly called ‘a stupid little bitch’. And you looked so beautiful. But I’m writing it now and maybe I’ll share it with you in person when we’re both ready.

When the world turned to dust, I held on to you. I know exactly why. Natasha bugged me about it also, teasing me whenever I would glance at you too long, or give you the last remaining Oreos I was planning on eating, or whenever I would leave your room in the mornings after a nightmare. She knew nothing was happening between us, but she had this smile whenever she caught me. Like she was happy I was comforting you, and in turn seeking comfort for myself.

You remember how her smile would tilt up more on the left side?

There isn’t a proper way to truly apologize for hurting you. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it. You at least deserve that.

I returned a different man. And I think that was for the better.

Yes, I wanted the quiet life. I still think I do. And I think you know this — you have always seen right through me.

I now know what Natasha saw. You irritate me, you damn near make me want to choke myself out, but I care for you. We hold each other up, and I’m always rooting for you, and I’m always by your side. No matter how annoying and smart-mouthed you may be.

You’re my best friend — I hope I’m one of yours.

Steve.’

There’s no one currently in the compound who really knows how to change the battery in your car. Bucky tries, does a rather good job too, but he claims he’s winging it and that you should call a mechanic just in case. He leaves you there with two random batteries on the ground, hood of your car open, and without any idea of what to do next. So you chill and wait for the mechanic you hope isn’t going to jack up the price just because he knows who you are.

But he doesn’t seem fazed by you at all — or at the fact he just had to drive through countless checkpoints and security checks just to get on Avengers property. He changes the battery and changes the oil, hooking you up with as many upgrades he can. He even offers to wash it until you thank him repeatedly and that Really, really, you don’t have to do that. Thank you so much!

“Quite a garage you got here.”

There are unfinished projects and random wires falling from the ceiling and enough tools to supply five garages. It’s messy, but it was Tony’s. You accept the compliment and see him out.

“Eh, make sure those windshield wipers work. I hear it’s gonna rain tomorrow.”

You thank him again. The clouds to the west are gray, getting darker as the expanse stretches, but from where you’re standing everything’s blue. You figure the mechanic was right: it’s gonna rain, and it’s gonna rain hard.

The mechanic did good, all things considered. You never thought your old, beat-up Honda could look a few years younger. You flick one of the wipers lightly, testing its strength. It holds, as does the other, but when you go to lift it up it stops halfway. Without wanting to break it, you don’t force it. There’s something blocking the switch.

You grab it before it can accidentally fall into a deep slot; the figurehead of a man, curly hair and beard that matches Steve’s, who also has a prominent and strong nose. You turn the coin over a few times before looking around the garage, down the street, at the remote area where the mechanic has just left. Standing there, mouth agape, you wonder just how in the world you missed the mechanic placing it there.

You were lacking in the spy department nowadays. Oops.

You know you’re not going to find Ramirez. But him giving this back to you? It was his way of saying he’s alright and that he owes you many thanks.

You pocket the coin and accept the fact you just got bested.

It should take a few hours before you hit the first motel. Wisconsin isn’t that far, but you do have to pass through about hundred “middle of nowhere’s”. You pull out of the garage and check your mirrors — completely unaware of the super soldier running full speed to the passenger door. Steve carefully throws it open, somewhat aware of his strength, and lands into the seat beside you.

You hit the brakes hard. “Oh my! Rogers!”

Steve sucks in a few heavy breaths, like he literally ran across the compound to make it. “What? I startle you?”

“What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing? Aren’t you on house arrest?”

You squint at him, “Touche.” Putting the car in park, you turn your whole body to face him. “Answer my question.”

“Thought you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye?” Steve asks, expression much more teasing than serious.

“I’ll be gone for three days tops,” you say, waving your hand in the air. Steve smiles at you, seemingly waiting for you to speak again. You roll your eyes, “You’re coming with me, aren’t you?”

Steve lifts up the small duffel bag you hadn’t seen when he first got into the car. He throws it into the backseat and smiles lovingly at you. “I’ve been told that I’m impossible to get rid of, so yeah.”

“Rhodey said that the ankle bracelet they gave me wasn’t a trusted model. Easy to break off, like they did it on purpose.” You lean toward him, holding your chin up with the palm of your hand. “Should be able to drive free for a few weeks before they suspect anything.”

“Already booked us a cabin for Thanksgiving.”

“What makes you think that I even want you to accompany me on this road trip? Did you like the first one?”

Steve clears his throat and mimes like he’s writing on paper. The next words out of his mouth make your legs turn cold. “No matter how annoying and smart-mouthed you may be, there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than here, there, and everywhere with you.”

You blink multiple times, as if that would fix your ears. “...You. Fucking. Didn’t.” Steve reaches over to try and hug you. “No, don’t.” He squeezes harder, smooshing your face in his chest. “Steeeeve!”

“It fell out of your suitcase during the mission and I just… looked,” Steve reasons. He allows you to escape his grip.

“You just looked?”

Steve sighs. He really does look guilty. He pushes a strand of your hair behind your ear, letting his fingers tickle your skin. “I’m sorry I read it. I’ll get out of this car for real if you want me to.”

You arch an eyebrow, “You’re a little shit, but I’m not mad. No one understands privacy these days.”

Steve smiles wide enough for his dimples to pop and his eyes to crinkle. “I’d follow you anywhere, doll.”

“Anywhere?”

“Just name it.”

Humming low, you lean forward. He follows your direction like you’re a lighthouse beaming with light, capturing your lips with his in a sweet kiss. He hooks a large hand behind your head to press you to him harder. You smell like that vanilla scented shampoo he loves so much and feels his heart constrict with a pleasant pulse.

You pull back for air and smile against Steve’s soft lips.

“Well, I’m headed for the middle of buttfuck Wisconsin—”

“Just drive!”

Bursts of laughter fill the car until you’re past the checkpoints and well onto the long roads. The clouds continue to turn darker but they’re inviting, alluring, and it’s not insane that both of you desire thunderstorms because they remind you of family.

Steve watches you from the passenger seat, memorizing the contours and edges of your profile. The roots in his heart begin spreading again; the meat of his heart filling with a soothing promise that his time on earth is no longer rootless. He’s dug his feet in, he’s watered all he’s needed to water, and he feels it spreading within him like newly blossomed flowers in the spring. He has a sudden urge to take out his drawing pad to immortalize the way your mouth tilts higher up on the right side when you smile, to record it forever.

But he’ll remember it. He’ll remember well into this timeline, several years down the road, and even when he’s resting in his grave. So he leans his head back against the seat and chooses to watch the curves of every expression you grace him with. He immortalizes the sound of your voice, the taps of your fingers against the steering wheel, and the accented way you say his name.

There’s a long drive ahead, but he’s excited for it. He’s excited for you. Steve promises himself that he’ll ask you a million questions, and give you a million answers, and share a million more stories.

Right now, he just needs to sleep.

THE END.

Taglist: @dumb-ass-3 @justab-eautifulmess @supraveng @mycosmicparadise @missnighttigress

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