#this is becoming so exsausting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

friendshipgirl · 2 years

Text

Nighty Night SLIGHT FLUFF

( It was yet another long exscausting night for the lab mice Brain and Pinky after another attempt to take over the world. The two mice, dressed in street dance outfits, enter their cage as Brain storms in )

Brain: Stupid street cop! It took three hours to rehearse that dance! If we can’t dance in the alley, where else is there!? ( sighs in exsaustion )

Pinky: Well, we we’re getting carried away and being noisy.

Brain: Pinky, I do not need a reminder right now. I’m so tired from dancing for three hours. Pinky: But your performance was flawless! And you did really well!

Brain: You don’t know how much I want to punch you right now Pinky. How am I supposed to perform with an audience without noise complaints!? I swear that will be the new topic for next time.

Pinky: I’m sorry that your dancing doesn’t go to plan. No harm in trying it a different way in a different place.

Brain: Yeah. Maybe. Whew…

( the two take off their outfits and into their PJs. Brain couldn’t help but to stare lovingly at Pinky. Oh, how cute he was in his PJs. He looks like a little plush toy he just wanted to hold and cuddle up with. His fur was soft and fluffy unlike a cat’s fur. The pink color on him seemed to glow against the dim light of the room. He had a small tuft near the tip of his tail, which was quite unusual for a mouse. Brain could feel his face heating up. )

Pinky: Brain? What’s wrong?

Brain: ( snaps out of his thoughts and turns away blushing ) Oh! uh… Nothing! I just…

Pinky: We’re you staring at me? Is it that I look weird in my pajamas?

Brain: No, I wasn’t! Uh… Well, yeah. You were looking really… ( he clears his throat) …y’know… adorable.

Pinky: ( blushes ) Oh! Aw, Brain, stop it. ( giggles sheepishly ) Poit! You fluster me!

( it was his turn to stare at Brain. He was freaking adorable in those blue PJs with feet. Pinky gives out a snorty giggle )

Brain: What?

Pinky: Braaaaain, you are such a cutie in your PJs! Narf! ( giggles )

Brain: ( blushes furiously ) I… I do?

Pinky: Yes! Why are you acting so surprised?

Brain: I just… I thought you didn’t think I was attractive. That’s all.

Pinky: Of course I do! You’re my best friend! Brain: But why…?

Pinky: Because you’re smart, talented, anything I could see they way you see yourself! Zort! ( giggling )

Brain: ( red faced ) I… Thanks… I guess?

( they look at each other deep in the eye before Pinky kisses him. Both their eyes widen when Pinky’s tounge accidentally slides through his teeth. Blushing furiously, Pinky pulled away )

Pinky: Egad! I am so sorry Brain! I— That was not what I was going to do! I mean— Poit! I just—

( Brain did look surprised as he stared at the lanky mouse. The minute it happened, accident or not, he wanted more of it. )

Brain: Pinky… shut up and kiss me again you dummy. ( he grabbed Pinky’s head and pulls him back into the kiss )

Pinky: ( squeaks ) N—Nnghh! Nrmmph! ( he moans )

( They both let out moans when Pinky started to nibble on Brain's lower lip. They did not expect this to become kissed soft and sweet, but it did. They pulled away for air, both looking all nervous at each other with hooded eyes. )

Brain: ( shyly ) S--Shoot… P--Pinky… I… Um…

Pinky: Umm… ( he laughs nervously ) What should we do next?

Brain: ( shyly smiles ) Umm.. Let’s… Stay like this for a while?

Pinky: Sure! ( kisses Brain )

( It seemed like this kiss lasted forever. Suddenly, Pinky’s tounge slides through again, but on purpose this time )

Brain: MMMPH! Nngh! ( moans as he kisses deeper )

( Soon, the kissing turned into something far more heated. This lead to them both laying down on the floor, Pinky on top of Brain as Brain wrapped his arms around Pinky. They were both panting as if they just ran a marathon, both blushing profusely. )

Pinky: ( he pants ) I… I love you Brain.

Brain: I… don’t stop Pinky… please…

Pinky: I don’t want it to stop either. Poit… I can't believe we were doing this all along! ( crashes his lips on Brain’s )

Brain: ( moans )

( their kisses become more passionate and wet. The sound of them moaning filled the air as their tongues fought to dominate the other one. Soon enough, Pinky rolled on top of Brain. Their hands started roaming across each others bodies as they continue their make out session. All the taste, smell, sound, it was never enough. Eventually, they broke apart for air )

Brain: M--Mmmm… Pinky… Pinky: ( breathless ) Geez Brain… I… I thought you said you liked me back?

Brain: I still like you. A lot. So much. In fact, the only person who knows who is the king, and he won’t say anything.

Pinky: ( purrs ) Naaaaaaaaarf…

( they resumed making out, both flushing dark red. As they continued their make out session, Pinky’s paws began tracing Brain’s sides. The other male moaned in delight.)

Pinky: Oooh… Your skin feels so nice Brain…

Brain: Waaahhhhhhhh… Mmmnnnn… ( they both moaned as they continued kissing, hungry, deep, intense, sensual. )

Pinky: Egad. Please… don’t stop….

Brain: I won’t…

Pinky: Don’t stop Brain…

Brain: ( moans )

( The two kept kissing as they made out. Soon, they became dizzy. Pinky laid on top of Brain, feeling hot under his shirt and panting heavily. When they finally stopped kissing, Brain looked up at Pinky, all red in the face. Pinky looked so hot under his PJs. )

Pinky: Whatcha thinking about about now?

Brain: Now? About us. Together? Forever?

Pinky: Zoooooooort…

Brain: Anyways, let’s make this last before we get some sleep for tomorrow night.

Pinky: ( seductively ) Mmmm~ What are we going to do tomorrow night Brain?

Brain: ( seductively ) The same thing we do every night, Baby… try to take over the world~ ( kisses Pinky passionately )

#brinky #animaniacs #pinky and the brain #cute #ship #follow me on da #dawnai

13 notes · View notes

tokyoghoose · 4 years

Text

am i more than you bargained for?

pairing: tetsuro kuroo x reader

playlist: heather - conan gray*, 4ever - clairo, line without a hook - ricky montgomery, melting - kali uchis, slow dancing in the dark - joji, using you - mars argo, she - ed sheeran, make you feel my love - adele, letter home - childish gambino, she's casual - the hunna, i love you so - the walters, notice me (acoustic) - role model, red dress - postcard boy

warnings: angst and lots of it, mentions of sex, mentions self-shaming of image, very breif mention of anxiety attacks

summary: a romantic comedy without the comedy between friends with benefits

announcements!

kuroo is definitely a little ooc in this lmao buuuut this is my first like fic fic in like two years. Im still trying to get back in the groove of things and finding how to write personality again and not be repetitive with my wording. Feedback is welcome!

requests are open! feel free to send them in! i will write for pretty much any anime ive seen and if i haven't seen it, ill watch it! the only reasons i wouldn't is if im uncomfortable or can't write the character. :)

——————

When did relationships become so difficult? The days of making friends on the playground were over and it seemed to hit everyone at the same age. Life was getting harder and people were getting older, and suddenly everything was difficult. Nothing came easy anymore and everyone had to adjust to that.

But now you were just confused.

Tetsuro kuroo stuck to you like glue since middle school. Where one of you went the other was likely to follow. The righthand man, the double trouble duo, and the bane of kenma's existence. And then things got complicated. Strangers to friends to best friends to lovers— friends with benefits. Who would've thought the boy that you played volleyball with on a whim would've become the man who you grew fond of. Sixth grade you would've kicked yourself for the feelings you're experiencing. Oh how you wished you were back in the park that started it all. You wished you could warn your youngerself what's to come.

The realization hit you like a ton of bricks and it made you want to throw up at the thought.

It started in the first year of highschool when you suddenly noticed the shine in his eyes when he talked passionately about something like volleyball or the way he would furrow his brows when concentrated on his assignments. At first it was endearing, really. But the more you hung around him, the stronger the butterflies felt. It was obvious that he had grown into his lanky body. His legs were proportionate to his torso now and his once scrawny arms didn't hang limply at his sides anymore. He had muscle and height now. Gradually you started to notice little things about him that you would never have seen in other people. Like his lopsidded smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes and brought heat to your cheeks, your stomach launching into your chest when he'd bump shoulders and laugh.

You should've just smacked yourself silly then and there when you started to wonder if he noticed little things about you. Does he think of me like i think of him?

Who knew feelings could be so...perplexing. You moved on, shrugging off the crush in your second year to catch bigger and better fish in the sea. Life moved on and you dated other people, simply remaining friends with kuroo. Little did you know one heartbreak would lead you into his bed, playing in the sheets by the end of the year.

He was just so damn compelling. His laughter and his jokes. You fell for it all over again. Deja vu. Stupid kuroo.

———

The third of highschool had been the breaking point. It was a constant cycle of feeling, fucking, and falling in and out of love with the raven haired boy. It was frustrating, especially when he was so damn oblivious. The only person that seemed to catch on was kenma, but he was very little help when it came to pushing away the domestic thoughts. It would never just work out because you wanted it to because tetsuro was dumb.

It's a chilly day out, the sun nice against your skin but the wind was drastic in comparison. Shivers are sent up and down your spine, you wrap your arms around yourself in a hug. Could this boy take any longer? Foot tapping against the pavement, you heave a sigh, nostils flaring impatiently before you spot the tall athlete. With a girl. A girl?

You'd seen her around before and you vaguely remember thinking she resembled the main love interest in a 90s movie or a bratz doll. She's pretty and has a light, airy laugh. Kuroo must've told her a joke of some kind, but he definitely wasn't funny enough for her to have her hands all over his chest. He's giving her a toothy grin and soft eyes. It makes you want to gag.

Who was she anyway?

Not that it mattered because in that moment the fit of rage your body suddenly flug itself into prevented you from hearing anything. Kuroo's pulling off his pullover and drapping it over the pretty girl's shoulders. You can feel your eye twitch and fibgers tingle. He looks bashful as he waves her goodbye and tragically, you don't feel nearly as pretty as you had been feeling. Now all you wanted to do was sink into the ground below you and possibly into another dimension—or at least the other side of the world.

"She's pretty," is the first thing that comes out of your mouth when he comes over, slouching with his hands in the pockets of his shorts. He had practice this afternoon, you remember. He looks over at you with raised brows, almost like he's surprised yoy said anything or even noticed he was talking to another girl before walking towards the gym with you trailing close behind.

"Yeah she is, I guess."

She's prettier than me.

"You guess? Kuroo, you gave her your sweater."

He shrugs sheepishly, a light pink dusting his cheeks and it makes you mad of uncharacteristic the act is. You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

"It's just polyester. It's not a big deal."

The conversation suddenly drops as you pause, apparently very hurt that he didn't remember it was you who gave him the sweater in the first place. He turns around, a questioning look on his face.

"What? Are you jealous?" He teases.

You're fuming at his attempt to be playful. Maybe you were overreacting, but it pangs your chest to know he can brush it off so easily.

" Kuroo, that was my sweater. "

It's gritted through your teeth, eyes slotted into a glare and his face drops. Oh is all he can think as he stares at you and the hurt expression that quickly turns into that of annoyance and anger. You push past him, ultimately deciding not to walk him to the gym. His arm reaches out to catch you, but it falls short as he calls out in a whine, "I'll get it back for you, okay? Come on, y/n!"

———

You can't focus on the assignments in front of you no matter how hard you try. You are exsausted. Just wanting to crawl under the covers and sleep for maybe a thousand years, you stop tapping your oen against the paper to hyperfocus on the black dots that now littered the page. The music in the background pauses before coming back to life with the hum of a new song shuffling in. It's quiet and yet, it's overwhelming. You wish you weren't home alone now.

Hanging your head low on your desk, the carpet becoming of interest, you groan. The image of kuroo and that girl replaying in your head over and over like an endless movie. You'd have to give it a bad review if it ever ended.

You're focus is mainly on her though. Kuroo could get any girl he wants with his witt and charm. Not to mention he wasn't jusf handsome, but he's beautiful. Model material—movie character love interest type beat. He has the ability to make any heart swoon if he tries hadd enough, and that girl was no exception. She was more than pretty. She was stunning, even. It was like watching human barbie and ken flirt with one another. She seems so nice too and you can vaguely remember her helping you wish a couple answers on homework one morning. She's better than you and better for him. Is he sleeping with her too? Before you can answer your own question the doorbell rings, quickly followed by a knock at your door.

You look down at your pajamas, debating if you should pull on your robe or not, but ultimately deciding against it when the knocks come again.

"Im coming, I'm coming. What do you wan- kuroo?"

When you open the door, you immediately get the urge to shut it right in his perfect little face, and you begin to before his hand slams against it in protest to push it open wider. He juts out his lip into a pout and his eyes soften into ones pleading like a puppy dog. You huff and avoid eye contact, instead taking intrest in the bad he was carrying.

"What's that?"

"Stuff. I'd be happy to show you if you let me in."

"Sorry, tetsuro, no can do. You haven't returned my sweater. "

He scoffs and rolls his eyes before shoving something bulky into your arms. You're not sure if you should be happy he actually got it back or upset that he had to see her again to get it. Finally looking up at him, you move to the side so he can step in.

"You know, you don't have to be jealous that i gave another girl a sweater. You're my number one, y/n." He's teasing, but his words still send the butterflies in your stomach crazy. You can only hope he means it, even if just a little.

"I'm not jealous. You can sleep with whoever you want, kuroo. We're just best friends—if anything im your wingman. "

You want to hit yourself on the head. Why would you say that?

He snickers at the rebuttle, coming to loom over you. Apparently the only thing that can get you out of your head is his cologne because it somehow invaded your senses. He smells expensive, like nice leather and fire wood during the winter. It's very manly, you note. His shadow hovers over yours as he traps you between him and the counter with a playful smirk on his face. How smug could he get. He leans down, bringing your chin up between his thumb and finger. You hadn't realized how close he was until now. Since when did you get so nervous around him? Why did it make you nervous when he kissed you all of a sudden? It's unfair that he holds the advantage. Heat rises to your cheeks and the tips of your ears and you're positive he can hear the beating of your heart, which was currently trying to break out of your chest.

His lips take you to paradise, as always. Their soft against your own, yet firm. They're slightly chapped and they taste like spearmint. It makes your head fuzzy because they feel so right, even when you wish they felt wrong. You want to pull away and kick him out, and end thjs whole arrangement, but you're already very familiar with the fact it's just beginning.

———

The bed is warm. So warm, in fact, it feels like your suffocating. The sheets tangle around your limbs, strangling you as you tangle your limbs around kuroos. You almost want to cry, and if you were anywhere else— with anyone else —you probably would have. The heat is unbearable and the one sided tension makes your stomach churn and your throat tighten up. You were almost positve an anxiety attack was coming on.

Taking a deep breath through your nose, you close your eyes as kuroo's nimble fingers soothe circles into your shoulder blade idly and yet somehow he manages to dodge the purple and red splotches blooming on the flesh. Suddenly you wish you didn't feel so safe and protected in his embrace. The moment almost tempts you to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, but you don't deserve to be the person who does that because you aren't his person. Best friend, maybe (next to Kenma, if anything) but, you aren't his person no matter how you long to be. You're just a friend in his bed having a good time. It isn't as fun anymore.

You swallow a lump in your throat, flattening your hand against his broad chest and willing yourself to lift up out of his grasp, his fingers falling smoothly to stop between your shoulder blades. Looking down at him, he presents you with the soft, goofy look on his face that he always adorns. God, there's nothing you wouldn't give to wake up beside him every morning and kiss that lopsided grin off his face. It hurts to think about, and another wave of tears try to force their way past your lash line. You blink them away and put on a soft, one-sided smile for the man below you, giving him a quick peck where his jaw and neck meet before shrugging his hands off and climbing out of bed.

His eyes track you, lazily hooded and watching, as you take the sheet with you to cover yourself, grabbing your shorts and whatever top you were wearing but a few hours ago before everything was strewn about. You shy away from his gaze, but it's nothing he hasn't seen before. He shifts in the bed to face your back, elbow propped up to lay his head in his hand. With an uncharacteristically soft tone, you almosf don't head him when he speaks. The words that come from him are like honey, yet raw. It's enough to make anyones knees buckle and crawl back into bed.

"Are you okay?"

There's a slight hint of concern there, just hardlg scrapping the surface of the question. You nod with a hum, throwing on the loose shirt before facing him. Kuroo's brow raises like he doesn't quite believe you, but he doesn't take the question further and instead turns to get out of bed. You gnaw at your lip, taking your turn to watch him stretch out. His back has red streaks messily placed down it from his shoulders to the base, his biceps matching. His hair is messy and not like the normal bed head he sports, parts of it are spiked up from fingers constantly pushing through it, while other parts are laid flat from sweat. You can't help the thought that he's sculpted by the gods. They definitely took their time on him. Scoffing at yourself and shaking the thoughts free from your head, you head to the bathroom. As if the bed wasn't suffocating enough, just being the same room was found to be worse when he looks like that. At this point, it was preferred he stayed under the covers.

You feel stupid while looking in the mirror. Your mascara from earlier had smudged beneath your waterline, clumping together in the corner. Your nose curls at the sight, hands splashing cool water at your face, rubbing at your eyes. With a sigh you lean your elbows on the sink, pushing back hair and looking down at the water going into the drain.

This is ridiculous.

How on earth could you do this to yourself and to kuroo?

There's a knock on the bathroom door, it's light and gentle in the typical kuroo fashion because he doesn't want to spook you. You purse your lips, digging the palms of your hands into your eyes and heaving a sigh. As soon as you open the door and switch places, you're up and out of his apartment without saying goodbye.

The cool air of outside hits your face and you hadn't noticed the tears until the damp chill shook you. Brushing them away, you head home. You didn't want to be around him and you certainly didn't want to think about him. On the way back, you finally decided you weren't going to tell him anything. What would dumb tetsuro know about it anyway.

56 notes · View notes

succubustears · 4 years

Text

I'm cold and untrusting. After everything I've seen, been forced to do, forced to deal with, I'm not capable of everything else. I wish I had small problems.

What do you do after your whole life has been filled with rape, gaslighting, violence, death, blood, and exsaustion?

You can't connect to anyone. It's over. You can't tell normal people because it makes them uncomfortable. People used to it are either victims or abusers themselves, or like me they flip flop between the two.

I see my therapist every month. I try so hard to be normal. I look down and see scars left by my, left by others. Cuts down my legs from a hunting knife while my hands were held above my head. Seeing someone who raped me getting engaged on Facebook and I'm reminded of throwing up after, being confused as to why someone with a girlfriend would do that to me.

I think about my childhood of loneliness and trauma. My mother holding a gun to my face, my father breaking through 4 shelves of my bookshelf with his fist alone.

At what point did I become a victim? Was it my childhood? When I was groomed? When i was raped? Burned with cigars? Cut and bled like an animal?

Was it when I became a masochist and began to enjoy those things?

I'm so tired. I just want to love and be loved. I'm just not capable of it. I'm used up. I'm dirt. I only feel love when it's a blade running up my skin, or a punch hitting my jaw.

I'm tired. I am so tired. So why can't I use people the way they use me? Why can't I be selfish?

4 notes · View notes

crazyfindsyou · 6 years

Text

Life Is Something That No One Understands

Life isn’t something that we know all that much about, it’s crazy and hectic, fun and scary, it has its ups and downs, twists and turns, it’s like a roller coaster with no end, but there is something about living that is unlike anything else in this world, no, it’s not just about being alive, sure that's the main part of life, but being alive is secondary to living life, yes, we all live life, but that doesn't mean that we are actually exsperiencing it, what I'm trying to get at here is that life is fucked up, no matter how you look at it.

I've never blogged before, sure I like to write, but I don't write about my life, it's something I generally like to keep to myself, it's mine, and therefore I should keep it secret, but nowadays I can't, there is just too much crazy in my life for me to bottle up anymore, the more I bottle it up the worse my life and including my health gets, it's toxic for me, and it's starting to show now, I'm far more exsausted than I used to be, I become drepressed far more than I used to, I grind my teeth, chew the inside of my mouth and cry, crying isn't something that I generally like doing.

I never had this much crazy a few months ago, no, things were relatively normal, well, normal is perspective to each individual so to say that it was normal is a bad general statement, my normal could be totally different than someone else normal, hence when I say normally I don't generally mean normal in general, just what normal means to me.

A little over a month and a half ago I was kicked out of the place I lived at, I had been living with a 'friend' who I had known for nearly fifteen years, just up and flipped out on me and told me to leave, and just as I was getting up to make coffee, I should have seen it coming, I really should have, but I didn't, I allowed myself to be blinded by 'friendship' I was a fool for believeing that she would continue to remain a good person, sure it sucks, but that's what living life means, shit happens and we have to deal with it, it sucks, but oh well, what is done is done, there is no sense living in the past, learn from it yes, just don't live in it, living in the past isn't the way to walk towards the furture.

~To be continued

#crazy #life #my life #ramblings #venting #random #realization #change #life story #homeless

1 note · View note

lunaircinderella · 7 years

Text

Release

I have been at my new job for four days now. I'm a Unit Helper at the moment until I take my CNA courses in September. Before I was a Nutritional Aid in the kitchen downstairs. AKA basically just a kitchen worker. I'm not going to lie I felt pretty shameful when I worked down there. It was gross and I'd get food on me all the time and I would have to clean trays and it was just... it would just be busy. There were the people I disliked and the ones that I could get along with that were pretty nice. But everyone down there thought I was the nicest, most helpful person, and a good worker for the most part. Boy did I have them fooled thinking I liked even the ones that were just b******, I mean even I'm a female and a lot of females down there you pretty much would have to have a backbone with. So as most people do I got sick of that job after the four years I worked there, and so I looked for a new one. And that new job happened to be a full-time CNA position versus my part-time position, honestly I still should have stuck to part-time since being full-time right now kind of makes me lose my mind a little(I should also mention that I was moving out of a large half a house to a smaller one with my mom and her boyfriend at the same time and before I started the new job, so I was already exsausted and emotionally on edge). Anyways starting out I thought I would be fine, that it would get easier as the days went on much like it did when I worked in the kitchen. But right now I'm doubting things. The staff I work with just seem either kind of hostile or just are straight up b****** that just don't even want to speak to me or just want to ignore me. I mean there are some that are nice there's there's a nurse and a couple of CNAs I can get along with. When I started I didn't really like some of the residents cuz their attitudes were pretty off-putting. But I guess being cooped up in a hospital for most of your life when you're an old person isn't the greatest of things so I can kinda see it from their point of view in a way. If anything it's more of the staff you want to watch out for. For me it's like I'm having to walk on eggshells again like when I *had* to used to go down to my dad's due to the custody agreement he had with my mom at the time. But that's all whole nother story I'll tell some other time. The first day I worked as a unit helper it was boring it felt like everything was going by fast but I was ok. The second day I was just frustrated, tired, and didn't even want to go back. The third day I thought I had it in the bag it was the most easy-going day for me by far, and I thought "Hey maybe I'll like it here somewhat more than I did in the kitchen". But the fourth day which was today just kind of felt like hell. I guess it started when I was putting a tray back into the cart after the resident was done with it and as I was trying to balance getting the ticket and putting the tray in when my hand slipped and the tray just fell and I got liquids on my scrubs and food on the floor. Now let me tell you it wouldn't have been the first time I've spilled food and drink on me I mean hey I worked in the kitchen right, so I was fine it's not like it was blood or urine or something. And then the second incident today there was a certain resident that seemed like they needed help and I wasn't sure how much I can assist a resident with since I'm only a unit helper. Now I was already fore warned about this certain resident that they would try to get me to stay in the room longer and try to get me to do things for them I wasn't supposed to, that they could do themselves and such. So I brought her back up from one of her appointments and she was switching from a wheelchair to an automatic chair she has. She then said that she couldn't do it that she couldn't switch herself from one chair to the other so I kind of started helping a little you know like a normal person would. Well I'm trying to keep her lifted from falling onto the floor and I think she's almost my full weight. And that moment she's basically sitting on top of the automatic chair and the regular wheelchair. So seeing as I couldn't lift her myself I went to get a CNA that could. So when she came to the room and saw the picture she went back got another CNA to help her and also told me that what I was doing was illegal because I'm not a qualified CNA yet. And she explained to me why I couldn't do that and that I wasn't allowed to touch the residence. Now I've seen the CNA before I always thought that should be one of the meaner ones turns out she's one of the more nicer ones. Cuz she very calmly explained everything to me and said that I basically just made a mistake cuz it's my first time, so everything was forgiven. She also clued me in that that resident can be very manipulative that resident can pretty much do most things herself and that she only makes herself seem helpless so she can get other people to do what she wants. And I thought in my head wow that's really f***** up was she such an awful person before she even came to the hospital? And then the resident in question I guess was telling them that I pulled her so basically she was trying to get me into trouble. I then start over hearing that the CNAs are talking about her and saying that she's now trying to find me so I can go make her bed and basically be in her room with her at the same time to do god-knows-what. So here I am basically running around looking busy avoiding her so I don't have to go do her bed go into her room possibly be yelled at or attacked. I mean at this point my anxiety is going pretty high I'm already not great with speaking to people I mean just becoming a unit helper was a big step for me because I'm not good with people because I don't like to speak or make conversation cuz I don't know what to say or how I should act. Now the third incident today is where I basically mentally lost it. So Im walking by a residence when they stop me to tell me they need help with such and such. So they basically need something that I can't do but one of the other staff members that are qualified can do. I go and leave to find a qualified person, and I go to a nurse who is busy with one of the residents just to let her know that another resident needs help with such and such. And that's when I realize I'm supposed to ask CNAs for help with that not nurses cuz nurses are normally busy or whatever, I forgot, you know that happens sometimes. Now here's one of the nurses I thought would always be nice...no I was wrong, she turns around snaps at me saying in a very rude voice that she doesn't do such and such thing that I told her about and that I'm supposed to be telling a CNA this not her. So I meekly apologize by saying sorry and walk away. You know being the adult she is I thought she would just ignore it and let it go seeing as how I'm still new here. No that doesn't happen, as I'm in one of the residents rooms just tidying up, making the beds, you know, ect. I hear and see this exact nurse walk by talking to someone else them and mimicking what I told her in one of those condescending ugly voices you use when you retell something that someone you don't like says. I don't become furious like I normally do, where I have that inner anger boiling inside of me. Instead I get a bout of sadness and depression just thinking about what did I do to her to deserve that metaphorical slap to the face, that it was an accident and that it was nothing super major. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to that person that I barely have ever talked to for her to talk about me behind my back and not directly to my face. And I start thinking I have never done stuff to people outside of an argument with a friend or my mom, an argument/wrestle to the ground with my sister. Ever since the last year of when I was in Middle School I had decided then and there to be a good person to everyone to keep a smile on my face and always be nice no matter if the person was mean. And I only started that promise to myself because I had felt guilty in that last year of just sitting at a table with my cousin and her friend because they would always gossip about everyone around us saying who they hated who was just awful and everything. And I just sat there agreeing with them not saying anything back when all I really wanted to do was tell them to shut up, and that I wanted to go back and hang out with my friend whom I couldn't sit with at lunch because the whole table she was at was full. So that whole year of Middle School her and me didn't really hang out much and in a way I felt very isolated. Now back to the present me, I felt like I just wanted to crawl within myself into a ball of darkness and just crawl under a cave and die there without anyone ever finding me. It was that same feeling of rejection and isolation I've felt throughout moments of my life that I could never verbally explain to anyone even when I had a counselor during my parents custody over my sister and me. It was this tumbling, growing of ball of sadness that was slowly becoming a deep, dark pit overtime as I got older. I just wanted to break down and cry right then and there I mean my eyes had already started to water and my face was twitching wanting to burst out into sobbs and tears. But I kept it in for the rest of the day, which my shift was almost over by then. So after I got done I went downstairs went to one of the bathrooms, let some of my tears escape from my face and then quickly cleaned up my face made myself somewhat presentable so I could at least leave the hospital and walk home. So I walked home my face contorting painfully every now and then trying to let out all this emotion I had balled up for years. My throat felt puffy and sore like I was choking on my own upcoming sobbs. I was sniffling and trying to keep it all in while I was trying to get my key to unlock the damn door, and that door lock is a pain to get undone. So I finally made it in and cried like I do every once in a blue moon when it all becomes too much. And now that I think of it that seems to have always been the solution to certain problems when I would argue with somebody when I was a kid and I would go run and hide in my grandma's room laying on her bed crying until I felt better and then I would fall asleep and wake up refreshed. But this time when I ran into the living room got on the couch and held the pillow tightly to my chest and sobbed in it to muffle my cries...I still didn't feel relieved. I sat there still feeling all this sadness and regret and guilt and shame, feeling like it was all my fault. Bad days just feel like they're becoming more constant as I get older and some days I just wish I could go back to being a kid, to the days when they felt better. Or I just feel like I want to disappear and forget everything that ever was including myself. For a long time I've thought of either killing myself or cutting myself. Killing myself wasn't an option seeing as it would hurt my mom and my sister and my nieces who are the only things in this world that I love and care about the most. And I've never told them any of these things and I feel like I can't tell them cuz they'll look at me differently. So I took the second option...which was cutting myself. I never thought I would have the balls to even poke myself with a needle, it's not like when someone else gives you a tattoo or gives you a shot when you do it yourself it's different. At first it's like you're scared that you're going to mess up or do something wrong. You think of all the possibilities that can happen like "what if I get an infection?" "what if I cut too deep?". I'm a person that's never liked pain I mean I've gotten a tattoo done but that didn't even feel painful it just felt like needles digging across my skin, I was surprised even to have that high of pain tolerance when I got it. I grabbed my art scalpel out of it's rolled up pack and tried to find my lighter to sanitize it and when I couldn't find that I ran it under really hot water. And even before that I sharpened it with a knife sharpener downstairs just so I could get a clean cut or a cut at all. I pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet, found a place on my upper thigh where I could cut it that no one would see. And I started putting my scalpel on it, at first I slid my scalpel softly across the place. And I slowly at first started to cut but I was afraid of the pain cuz I didn't want it to hurt obviously. And then I started making quick swift motions across that same place trying to do a paper cut effect so I wouldn't even notice when I did cut it. At some point I dipped the top head part of my scalpel into my skin and started cutting away like you would at string in a seam of fabric. At this point I could feel the tip of the scalpel cutting away at skin going over bumps in the flesh as if they were the strings holding together two pieces of fabric. Sure it stung a little but not as much as I thought it would. When I was done I looked at it, it looked just like a small paper cut or even a scratch from a needle. I started crying a little not from tears of sadness or 'look what I've done' horror but more of tears of joy I guess. I had finally done something I never thought I would do much like most things that are more innocent that I wanted to do but have never done. I looked at it as if it was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a while. I didn't feel the sting of it even when I put hydrogen peroxide on it to clean it, only when I put my pants back on. I walked back up the stairs to my room put the now cleaned scalpel back in its roll-up case and went downstairs, my hands gliding across the walls feeling a sort of light euphoria. I then proceeded to go to the kitchen sink and hand wash my scrubs and my shoes that were stained from juice and other such drinkable liquids from earlier today. I felt happy I didn't feel angry and I didn't feel sad, it was like the events of today were behind me and they were all some stupid joke or whatever. I just felt a sort of relief wash over me really as if I could control my fate and do what I really wanted to do with my life. I know what I did seemed stupid and that I shouldn't be hurting my body cuz well my body is a temple I suppose. But this is the first time I've ever cut myself in my 22 years of living. I'm still not sure on how to process this all so I thought I should write/type it down.

#Release #suicidal thoughts #cutting #life

0 notes

bodyrescueplan · 7 years

Text

Mindful Eating

In todays society we are surrounded by stress, not just the angry hurtful stress, but the need to be constantly stimulated. Stimulated by foods, drink, work, people, fun. We are always searching for that high where ever we go. And if we can’t get an instant high through food, or people we then try and buy things to make us happier. And if they don’t make us happy we have to go on facebook, or twitter or snap chat- always plugged in, always stimulated.

The problem with this instant high, this need to be charged up is that we stop apreciating the beauty around us. We then only desire big things, the sparkliest thing, the strongest tasting food, the high sugar or salt- we lose our taste buds for food and we lose our taste buds for life. We not only stop apreciating simple things, but we actually stop feeling this through our senses. Our senses are so overloaded, that simple beauty, and transient feelings become awashed with a flood of adrenilin.

So why is that a problem?

Well for one thing with adrenalin- comes cortisol- a stress hormone that can make us gain weight, particulalry around the middle. Adrenalin also affects our sleep, our energy levels, our skin, our heart rate, our digestion- to name but a few.

So how can we start feeling things again, how can we stop the need to always be plugged in and switched on, on a high dial?

We start becoming mindful.

Mindfulness has become a buzz word in the last few years, mindful meditation, books and mindful apps, have increased 100 fold in their sales, and as we become a more crowded, polluted, stressed nation, we are starting to search for a way out of having to be available 24 hrs a day 7 days a week.

Being Mindful essentially just means apreciating, showing gratitude, feeling the moment, not living in the past or future but being present. Of course this is nothing new, many religions have been practising this through prayer and meditation for centuries, but its invented a new word in ”Mindfulness” because of the rising decay in our society from being ever present.

Sugar and Caffeine are a dominant metaphor for our lives- they represent everything we are evolving into and what issues that represents for us.

Sugar and caffeine give you an energy boost, they lure you in with their promise of a high, a quick and gratifying high, and with in a few minutes you are bouncing off the ceiling, in the high zone. With in an hour your energy starts to come down again, but you don’t just go down to the energy you were at initially, you sink lower, so then you need another energy boost, maybe even alcohol this time, and so the cycle begins, for another day.

Its really a bi-polar existance, a high and a low, erratic energy. And thats how we live these days, up and down, the roller- coaster of life. Always needing the next kick.

Whats interesting about sugar is that the body gets used to it, so eventually you need even more sugar to get the high again. And coupled with that caffeine and sugar are of course highly addictive, so your body not only craves them but needs more and more to meet your energy needs.

So, how do we get out of this cycle?

I meet so many clients who come to me energyless/fatigued, its like I am their last hope. They feel their helpless bodies have packed up on them, they have exsausted themselves on the food, drink, drug, and lifes highs and now they need help.

And I start all my clients with a good old bout of mindfulness.

Actually I rarely use that word even, but I start with teaching them to apreciate their breath and building from their. Our breath is so beautiful and powerful for us, and equally if we stop breathing, or shallow breathe, as most of us do, particulary when stressed, its very detrimental for our health.

The next thing I get them to do is become mindful of how amazing their bodies are, their bodies are fighting for them to live, and will do anything to try and help.

But we also need to help ourselves, we need to inject the first step, to jump off the madness train and SLOW DOWN!

With the foods its really quite simple, just for 1 week, have as much fruit, vegetable, eggs, white meat and fish as you like, or if you are veggie pulses, loads of water, herbal teas. Many call this a detox, clean eating- but with this clean eating comes mindful eating.

If you jump on a detox, the first thing you will naturally do is think about all the foods you are missing out on- chocolate, coffee, tea, bread, biscuits, crisps etc..

And then there is booze- oh no but I am missing out on my wine, Oh no but I am going to a party and everyone will think I am boring, NEWS FLASH alcohol does not make you interesting, you are intersting without it, you have courage without it, you are fun without it.

We are a spoilt nation- if you gave these bountiful ingredients that you have on a detox to half the world who do not have access to it, they would see it as a feast, we see it as a punishment.

So with detoxing comes mindful eating- apreciating every mouthful- going into a supermarket and thinking how lucky you are to have access to the incredible gifts that are offered to you. Someone, somewhere, grew that for you, picked that for you, packaged it for you, sold it to you. And then what about the vegetable or fruit itself. Packed full of hundreds of vitamins, minerals, nutrients that can fight cancer, that can heal your gut, that can give you energy- not high energy, real energy, that can cleanse your blood, that can increase your focus, do you every just stop and think- WOW how amazing is that. And why is it that we only associate hippies, and people who are high, that focus and tune into these miracles we experience every day?

Its us that need this, we need it for our health, and we need it for our soul. Our life line depends on this. So the next time you think you are somehow missing out because you cant have these foods for a few weeks or a few months, the next time you feel sorry for your self because its not fair- the next time you feel deprived. Give yourself a slap around the face and say-

I AM MISSING OUT RIGHT NOW!

I am missing out on feeling good energy, I am missing out on a good night sleep, I am missing out on being happy, I am missing out on good health, I am missing out on feeling attractive, I am missing out on having good skin, I am missing out on being able to wear the clothes I love- I am missing out on all my senses working…

source: thebodyrescueplan.com

See Full Article Here: Mindful Eating

0 notes