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giggly-squiggily · 2 years

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Pillow Fort (Spy x Family)

Heyo! It's official: I love Spy x Family! The characters are absolutely adorable and the show is hilarious! Naturally I couldn't resist writing a fic for the series!

This is a bit of an impromptu collab with the wonderful @helloitsghost! Thank you so much for convincing me to watch this show friend! We've decided to do a drawing + Fic for the series, and here we are! I hope you like it!

Summary: It's raining, canceling the day's plans for Anya and her family. Thankfully Yor has a backup plan for such days!

“Anya, do you want to make a pillow fort?”

It was the weekend, the rain outside pounding at the windows of their little apartment. Anya had been sitting by said window, hand pressed against her cheek gloomily as she watched the dreary weather. They had made plans- a little picnic for the three of them to go on when Loid got back from his work. At the time, the sky was as clear as it could be.

Now it was gray and thunderous. Anya was sure it changed on purpose.

She turned to her momma now, green eyes curious. “What’s that?” She asked, earning a shocked look from Yor. “Wha-you’ve never made a pillow fort before? Why, it’s possibly the greatest thing since an actual fort!” Smiling, Yor stood and struck a pose. “When me and your uncle Yuri were children, I was known as the great fort crafter! No one could beat my grand designs!” Despite her proud words, her smile seemed almost sad. Still, she carried on, offering a hand to the small girl before her. “Would you like to come and see what your momma can do?”

Anya didn’t need much of a push, giggling in delight as she jumped from her spot by the window, taking Yor’s hand. “Let’s do it! Pillow fort! Pillow fort!”

~~~

Yor wasn’t kidding when she said she was a fort master. Granted, she hadn’t had much competition growing up, but that didn’t mean her skills were shabby.

Together, the pair gathered blankets, pillows, couch cushions, just about anything and everything you could think of for a fort. They dragged away the coffee table to make space, and using the now barren couch, began their work. Anya was a creative genius, Yor decided, the little girl knowing exactly where she wanted each blanket and cushion for the inside of their fort. Her little face was screwed up in concentration, and she practically glowed whenever Yor complimented her work.

For her own task of building the structure, the assassin went all out. She dragged over chairs to increase the height, and created a “door” of sorts with two different blankets. By the end of their hard work, they had assembled what to be a dome-like multicolored masterpiece.

“It’s perfect!” Anya cheered, clapping her hands as she took it all in. Yor laughed, holding up a hand. “Great job Anya!” she told her, grinning when Anya high fived her. “Why don’t you get everything inside set up while I make us some fort snacks?”

At the mention of snacks, Anya was practically jumping for joy. “Oh yes please! Can we have the treat papa made? The peanut bwittle?”

“Brittle, dear, and of course we can.” She booped her nose and turned to the kitchen, leaving Anya to get cozy. Just as she was about to sort things, the door opened, Loid shuffling in. “Oh, Loid! Welcome back.” She called.

“Papa!” Anya practically sprinted from the fort, clinging to Loid’s leg and nearly sending the man tumbling. “Whoa- careful! Hello Anya.” He laughed when she shuffled higher, picking her up and hugging her close. “Papa! Momma and I made a fort!” She cheered right into his ear, making him cringe. “I see- wow, what a great fort.” He nodded at the mass of blankets, both surprised at just how many they had but also impressed. “Have you picked a name for it?”

“A name?” Anya considered this, humming in thought. “I don’t know. What’s the fort name, Momma?” She asked Yor, who had just finished getting the snacks in order. “The name…we haven’t picked one yet, have we?” She stepped forward. “We’ll think of one-”

That was when disaster struck. Yor’s foot caught on one of the chairs she placed, sending her off balance. Her assassin instinct kicked in, saving her and the plate of snacks she was holding.

What had not kicked in was Loid’s own reaction time. “Yor-” He darted out to steady her, his foot accidentally kicking into a support pillow. Within the span of five seconds, one of the walls had collapsed, thus bringing down the fort.

“Oh no…” Anya whispered, voice sad. “Momma’s fort…”

~~~

Yor blinked at their hard work, taken down within seconds. Loid looked absolutely guilty, shame coloring his cheeks at the disaster he unintentionally created. “Oh- oh man, I’m really sorry- it was an accident, I’ll help you rebuild it-”

“Anya.” Yor spoke, something in her voice made the pair freeze, turning to her. “It seems a monster has invaded our fort…”

The little girl gasped, understanding flooding her eyes. “Oh no! Where is it?” She looked around, acting as a scared princess amongst an attack.

“I’m not sure, but they’ve made their attack.” Yor slowly started to approach the pair, eyes dangerous. If it weren’t for the twitching smile on her lips, Loid would have been convinced she was about to kill him. “Yor…what are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m saving the princess...,from the monster!” She darted forward, hands latching onto his sides and tickling. “Take this, foul being!”

“Ah! Wahahahit! Whahahait nohohoho fahahhahair!” Loid cried, twisting away as Yor got him under the ribs. Of course she’d wait until Anya was in his arms before attacking! Speaking of, he felt the tiny girl’s hands reach out, scribbling at his chest and neck with mischievous intent. “Hehe, Papa’s the monster!”

“Nohoohohohhow hoohohohohold on! Wahhahahahahait! Gahahahahhaaha! Nohohohohot thehehehehere!” He giggled helplessly when Yor found a particularly bad spot just behind his ribs. He wasn’t getting out of this anytime soon.

Time for drastic measures.

“Wahahhahhahahait, whahahahhait time ohohohohout!” He cried, taking a breath when Yor and Anya stopped. Quickly he put Anya to her feet, twisting so he was facing the wide eyed brunette. “A monster, huh? Fine then- allow me to show you my true form!” He roared playfully before grabbing Yor around the waist, squeezing along her hips and earning a shriek of laughter. “Loohohohohohohohid! Wahahhahahahhhait! Ahehahahahahhahaha! Ahahahahahahnya heheheheheelp mehehehhehe!” She cried, cheeks flushing a lovely pink as she weakly pushed against the bigger man’s chest.

“Ha! If you think it will be that easy to escape, you're sorely mistaken!” Heh, her laugh’s kinda cute, his thoughts played out.

Momma and Papa are flirting, Anya decided, feeling herself smile.

“I’ll save you Momma!” She cried out determinedly, grabbing a nearby pillow and smacking Loid’s legs with it. The older man gasped in mock shock, acting out as if he’d just been weakened. “Oh! Oh no- going down!” He cried, slowly falling to the ground as Anya hit him with her pillow once more. “Ah, it’s too much! The pillow! Gah!” He let himself fall backwards, a monster finally slayed.

“He’s down Momma! Get him!” Anya cheered, dropping her pillow and tickling Loid once more, making him spasm with a laugh. “Ay! I’m ahahhahahahready deahhahad!” He cried, catching her in his arms and tickling her in return, making her squeal. “Ahehahahhahahha! Mohohohohoohmma hehehehehelp!”

“I’m coming princess Anya! Hang on!” Yor was back in the fray, a battle of tickles reigning on.

~~~

They hadn’t known how long it’s been, but soon the three found themselves lying in the mess of blankets, breathless and giggly. Anya had fallen asleep against Loid’s chest, soft snores echoing from her lips. Yor was on his opposite side, her long hair scattered behind her like black wings as she smiled softly up at him. “She’s so sweet, isn’t she?” Yor asked, nodding to the pink haired girl snoozing softly.

“She really is. Hey um…I really am sorry. For breaking your fort.” Loid turned to her, that earlier guilt touching his eyes. “You guys worked really hard on it, so…”

“It’s alright. Forts are made to be taken down.” Yor nodded, snuggling over and resting her head against his shoulder. “Besides, what mattered was that Anya had fun. Fort or no fort, we made her day great. So thank you for that.”

A warm feeling settled in Loid’s chest, and he felt himself smile. “Yeah. Thank you too.”

Thanks for reading!

#Spy x Family #tickle #tickle fic #pillow forts #anya forger #Loid forger #Yor briar #wholesome fluff for the soul #I'm having so much fun with this series

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anyroads · 2 years

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OK you know what, if we're gonna talk about Bake Off then fuck it, let's do this.

It used to be this wholesome, lovely show! We used to watch it for the bakers! And the learning! And the light banter and occasional bit of coy innuendo! What happened?

Channel 4 happened. When they bought the show they made a number of changes, most of them Not Good™️. Not just in the sense of them resulting in a lot of 😬 and 🫠 moments, but in the sense of how they changed the show's purpose, atmosphere, and brand.

Look, I know most people are just like, "whatever, it's just a baking show," and yeah, sure. But it's one of the UK's most successful TV exports, and where it once shifted the tone of reality competition to being wholesome and supportive of contestants, it's since moved towards creating tension at the contestants' cost. So aside from the fact that most people watching it signed up to watch a nice show, it has also shifted the goalposts of what that even means. And that, lovelies and gentlefolk, is some bullshit.

I decided to break my rant analysis into four main parts: theme weeks, the hosts, the judges, and the bakers. Let's get to it!

Theme Weeks:

If you watch Bake Off, you know the show's always had a specific theme for each week. The staples that come up in most seasons are:

cake

biscuit

bread

pudding/dessert

pastry

patisserie

Less common but consistent are things like caramel and chocolate week.

Then there are the fun episodes! When GBBO was on the BBC, this started out with things tea week, tarts, pies, tray bakes, basically little tangents still focused on emphasizing specific baking skills. In Series 6 (still on the BBC) they had their first nation-focused theme week with French week -- fairly innocuous given that a lot of patisserie is French, France and England share much more culture than either cares to admit [Norman Flag dot gif], and it was a nice change from watching Paul make the bakers do recipes that involved boiling things while talking about how wonderful boiled doughs are (are they, Paul? Are they?).

The show kept mixing it up with innocuous themes like advanced dough and alternative ingredients weeks, European cakes, Victorian week, batter week, and botanical week. And while it was frustrating to watch Paul Hollywood mispronounce things like the Hungarian Dobos Torta and lecture bakers on babka when he clearly knew nothing about it (or about Jewish baking in general, go off Past Me), the show's general attitude was that the judges had their own opinions, which were separate from the immutable facts around the chemistry of baking (more on this later) and shouldn't affect how bakers are judged.

After the show moved to Channel 4, the number of themed weeks increased and more of them focused on specific countries. In 6 seasons on the BBC, there were only two country-focused theme weeks, and in 5 seasons on Channel 4 there have been five. And while they've also had themes like vegan baking, roaring 20s, the 1980s, spice week, etc. the show has really started to go hard on exoticizing other cultures in outright disrespectful and racist ways. There's been Italian and Danish week, German, Japanese (it wasn't, it was East Asian week), and now Mexican week (which doesn't touch on interspersed Jewish bakes that didn't get a theme week, like versions of bagels and babka set as technical challenges that were borderline hate crimes and mansplained by a guy who has no idea how to make either and once wrote in a cookbook that challah was traditionally eaten during Passover). Each time the hosts played up the theme with racist bits and jokes that can be used as evidence in court if your case is "why should shows with scripted content have a professional writing staff."

Which touches on other issues the show has now...

The Hosts:

When GBBO was on the BBC, the show was hosted by ✨Mel Giedroyc✨ and ✨Sue Perkins✨. They encouraged the bakers! They'd hold stuff for them sometimes! They were interested in them! If a baker had a breakdown, they would start singing copyrighted material to render the footage unusable! When the show moved to Channel 4, they left, though I'm not unconvinced that Channel 4 offered them impossible to accept contracts to force them out so they could rebrand the show. They replaced them with Sandy Toksvig and Noel Fielding. Sandy was a lovely host in the vein of Mel and Sue, and she and Noel had a relatively sweet rapport, but she left a few seasons ago and was replaced by Matt Lucas.

Noel Fielding is mostly known for his quirky brand of comedy, a sort of British Zooey Deschanel who's goth from the neck up, an upperclass British gay divorcee from the neck down, and basically an early 60s Beatle re: trousers. Matt Lucas has almost definitely never watched a single episode of GBBO and his most redeeming quality is his thinly veiled contempt for Paul Hollywood.

The two treat the baking tent as their personal playground. Far from the supportive attitude of Mel and Sue, they tend to get in the bakers' way during the most stressful moments, especially when they try to do hilarious "comedy" bits (I can't not put that in quotes) like Noel's talking wooden spoon thing, or Matt talking over Noel to do time calls. During theme weeks like Japanese and Mexican week, they do culture-specific bits that are both racist ("just Juan joke" and "is Mexico a real place?") and unsurprising, given that both Matt and Noel did blackface on their respective sketch shows and absolutely could and should have known better because it was already the current fucking century.

All this to say, there's now a separation between the bakers and the hosts, as if they're on different shows. The hosts are doing their own thing and the bakers are doing GBBO. The show has gotten meaner to the bakers, and the hosts aren't there to support them anymore, they're just there to be comic relief. Because when you refocus your show on stressing the bakers the fuck out, you need a forced laugh I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

The Judges:

First of all, a sincere congratulations to Paul Hollywood who managed to squeeze I jUsT cAmE bAcK fRoM mExIcO aNd YeT sTiLL pRoNoUnCe PiCo De GaLLo As 'PiKa De KaLLa' and I aM aN eXpErT oN s'MoReS wHiCh aRe MaDe WiTh DiGeStiVe BiScUiTs AcCoRdiNg tO mE, aN eXpErT oN s'MoReS, just two in a giant pile of astoundingly wrong hot takes, into a short enough time span that they all aired within Liz Truss's term as Prime Minister. A true man of accomplishments.

In the interest of fairness, I need to preface this with a disclaimer that, due to the fact that I've been watching Bake Off for most of its run, I'm biased. Specifically, I can't stand Paul Hollywood's smarmy, classist, egomaniac ass because he's proven time and again he's more interested in looking smart than actually knowing what he's talking about. Since the show moved to Channel 4, they've changed the occasional handshake Paul would give bakers to the HoLlYwOoD hAnDsHaKe™️. It's gone from being an emphasis of someone's skill to a goal, a reward, and one that emphasizes the judges' place above the bakers.

The judges used to function as teachers, imparting their skills and insights to the bakers. When the show was on the BBC, the voiceover leading to a judging would focus on the bakers' work being finished, saying how it will now be evaluated based on their skill and how well they met the brief. The voiceovers now, on Channel 4, focus on the judging (literally saying something along the lines of, "the bakers will now be judged by Prue and Paul"). There is a clear distinction Channel 4's producers have made, to mark that the show is now about whether or not the judges approve, not whether the brief was understood and executed well. On the BBC, it was irrelevant whether the judges liked a particular flavor, as long as the bake was well-made. Now, the bakers are expected to know the judges tastes and cater to them, which is frankly bullshit. A judge doesn't have to like a flavor to know whether or not it was executed well, ie. is it carrying a bake and was it meant to etc.

The judges have been turned into a brand. Cynically, Channel 4 knows that by building them up and focusing the show more on them, they can exploit their image more for profit. In the process, they've become much more biased and their own biases have come out as well. Most recently in the flaming dumpster fire that was Mexican Week, Paul Hollywood tried to intimidate a baker by telling them he had just gotten back from Mexico (which must have been a fruitful learning trip if he couldn't even learn how to pronounce pico de gallo correctly). Where do I even start with this? Here's an amateur baker from England (the show specifically casts middle and lower middle class bakers for the most part??) who likely can't afford trips to Mexico, who lives in a country with incredibly limited access to Mexican cuisine, who is expected not only to understand the cooking and baking traditions of a completely different culture but to do so well enough to play with it and do something creative with it. On top of which, one of the judges is now using his privilege of traveling halfway around the world as some kind of leverage, as if this were a bar that any amateur British baker could clear.

Prue, meanwhile, has openly asserted her biases against cultural flavors and textures, prioritizing her own personal preferences over them, as if they were in any way relevant to the skills and knowledge necessary to execute the tasks she sets to the bakers. She has also been consistently elitist, criticizing bakers for choices they made that were clearly informed by their experiences within income brackets that are too low and foreign for Prue to comprehend. She once had a go at a baker on a Christmas special because his Christmas dinner themed bake didn't have a turkey, even though it was clear from the stories he shared of his own Christmases that his family likely couldn't afford one. "It's not really Christmas dinner without a turkey," Prue said into the camera angrily while sitting on a chair made of live orphans and telling the ghost of Christmas Future to come back when he had another museum gift shop necklace for her to round out her collection.

The show is no longer about which baker has the best skills. It's become about which mortal can appease the gods of Mount Olympus, ie. the judges.

The Bakers:

Remember when the show was about them? Channel 4 doesn't! Because this is a reality competition show, the bakers are chosen both based on their skills, as well as cast-ability. They're cast as characters, distinct from each other, from different areas, age groups, ethnicities. All of them are amateurs. All of them are middle or lower middle class. They've ranged from college students to supermarket cashiers to prison wardens to scientists.

Something I noticed when the show moved to Channel 4 is that the baker who goes home in the first week is always wildly behind the rest in skills. I have no proof of this other than my eyeballs and deductive reasoning skills, but I think that Channel 4 deliberately casts a ringer each season who they think will be an easy send-off in the first week, just to get the audience's feet wet.

Anyway, like I said, this show used to be about the bakers - about them building skills and learning, and having walked into the tent with a self-taught foundation and understanding of the processes and chemical reactions involved in baking. When the show was on the BBC, the end of each round had some (often brief) moments of tension - will they finish in time? Will they get their bakes on the plate before time is up? Did they forget to add sugar to their batter and only remember at the last minute? In the end, they usually managed to finish and we'd all breathe a sigh of relief and think, yeah! You go, Bakers Who I'm Rooting For!

Now, on Channel 4, the end of round drama has been stretched to be so much longer that they've composed extra music for it. The bakers often seem out of their depth, whether because the instructions for the technical challenge are too vague (bake a lemon meringue pie??? As if anyone in the UK under the age of 60 has had one in the last decade???), or because they were expected to bake something that required a more than a basic foundation they weren't told of. Often it seems like they just aren't given enough time, a tactic used by reality competition shows to manipulate contestants into giving the cameras more dramatic content. On top of all this, the hosts get in their way, instead of helping them plate their bakes. As has been pointed out before, when everyone fails the challenge, the real failure lies with whoever set it.

In conclusion:

The show no longer exists to teach the bakers - and the audience - skills or knowledge. It now manipulates contestants for dramatic effect and prioritizes showing conflict over wholesome content. Channel 4 sees the bakers as social media content they can churn out season after season, and don't care about them because in a few months there'll be a new batch to exploit. Meanwhile, the judges are also out of their depth, co-opting recipes from other cultures and butchering them horrendously, while the camera gives them nothing but status as they hold bakers to the expectation that they learn how to make things very much the wrong way. If you saw any of the tweets about Mexican or Japanese week, or read my post on how Paul Hollywood isn't allowed to go near babka ever again, you'll understand.

So what would fix all this? Scrap the current judges and the hosts altogether. Bring back Mel and Sue, and replace the judges with expert bakers who have a love of their craft and want to share it with others. The draw of GBBO used to be its warmth and comfort - if Channel 4 isn't going to start its own version of Master Chef For Bakers, then it needs to stop trying to find a balance of how it can insert that vibe into GBBO. It can't. That's not a thing. Stop trying.

#GBBO #paul hollywood #prue leith #the great british bake off

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