#took me ages to make that commitment but i did it like two months ago. i think.

[starcursedluvrs]

"TALK"

I suguru x pregnant!reader

“And I’d be the immediate  Forgiveness  In Eurydice.  Imagine being loved by me.” 

part I of suguru x pregnant!reader (this isn’t completely canon compliant, and will probs be 3 or 4 parts and will go up to December 24th, 2017 on the current JJK timeline).  

summary: you loved suguru more than anything in this world. and you could argue he felt the same for you. actually, he would end the world for you. so, he took you with him the night he defected, and you happily obliged. however, in the midst of the chaos of leaving your life behind, two little lines appear on a certain test causing you to rethink your entire plan. 

A/N: heyyy!! i'm arden!! this is my first try at ever posting the fanfic I’ve written so please enjoy! I started this specific fic as a hobby back in December, and I finished it a little over a month ago (I’ve just been kinda nervy to post hehe) so here goes nothing! likes, reblogs, and comments are highly appreciated <3

MINORS / AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT. YOU WILL BE BLOCKED. 

warnings!: SPOILERS FOR GOJO’S PAST ARC. THIS IS A PREGNANCY FIC! 18+. nsfw. f!reader. suguru and reader are over the age of 18. explicit sexual content. unprotected sex/oral (f!receiving). breeding kink. fingering. creampie. pregnancy. unplanned pregnancy. lactation kink. mentions of child abuse. cute domestic fluff hehe. 

wc: 14.5k

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 2007 

4:27 PM (16:27)

“Wait…so what are we doing again?” you asked, riding atop one of Suguru’s many curses. You were straddling the pink alien-looking curse, legs dangling off either  side. One of Suguru’s large hands held your waist steady while the other controlled the motion of the cursed spirit. His chin was buried in the crook of your neck, so that he had easy access to press kisses into your skin. 

Suguru left a line of sweet pecks down your shoulder before answering. 

“This village in the sticks was reported to have kidnappings and abnormal deaths. Shouldn’t be anything unusual,” he said nonchalantly. 

You leaned back against him so that you could look up into his honey irises, pouting. His hand left your waist, moving comfortably behind him to support both of your weight. 

“Then why did you ask me to come along? Seems like you could handle it yourself, you’re a special grade. I’m only a semi grade-one,” you reasoned, reaching up to play with his stray bangs. He grabbed your hand before you could reach his neat, inky bun, pressing light kisses into your knuckles. 

“Well, if all goes well, maybe we can find a hotel or do something nice. Charge it to the school and say it took longer than we expected, so we get to stay somewhere overnight without waking Satoru,” Suguru replied, smirking a bit on the last line of his speech. 

“I like the way you think, my love,” you beamed, melting into his touch. 

… 

January 2007 

You and Suguru had been in a committed relationship for the past nine months, and friends for even longer.  You started secretly fucking around at the beginning of your third year at Jujutsu High. You had always been attracted to him, but given your tiny class size and the complexity of Jujutsu Society, you didn’t want to cause any drama or make things weird between you two. 

Well, life doesn’t always go to plan. 

Especially that one night at the beginning of your third year when you, Shoko, Satoru, and Suguru broke into Yaga’s liquor cabinet, stole two bottles of sake, and got a little handsy. With your judgment impaired, you might have let it slip that you thought Suguru was very attractive and often wondered how his sculpted body would feel beneath his Bontan pants and uniform shirt. The thought was reciprocated by the raven head. 

One thing led to another, and the next morning, you woke up in a tangled mess of inky black hair and bedsheets. Suguru just held you, keeping your body close to his, whispering sweet nothings into your ears. It was nice, you did not have to say anything to fill the comfortable silence that had fallen upon you two. 

Eventually, he placed a kiss on your forehead and started to pull his clothes on from the previous night. 

Last night. Was last night a mistake? 

Should you have let Suguru taken you out to dinner or something before he fucked you into tomorrow? 

“Wait…Sug hold on.

What does this mean? 

For us? Our friendship?” you asked in a panic before Suguru reached the door. 

“It doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to,” he replied in his calm, collected tone, looking at the floor with his back to you. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you sat up, still covered by the soft sheets, pulling your knees into your chest, slightly offended. 

“Just that we don’t have to make a big deal out of this if we don’t want to. We also don’t have to do this again if you don’t want to. I know this could complicate things if we keep at it,” he paced around to face you again, the distance still rather daunting.

“Okay.” 

“Cool.”

The comfortable silence from before slowly turned awkward. 

“Um…thanks,” you offer. 

“…for…what?” Suguru inquired. 

“Last night. It was…fun,” you flashed him an unsure smile. 

A deep rumble came from his chest as he chuckled, “Yeah, let’s see how much fun you have walking today. See ya in class,” before leaving the room.

“SUG-“ you called after him, blushing at the cheesy line as he left the room, disappearing back into the cocoon of sheets. 

…

March, 2007 

You tried to keep your distance from him. Being a child of the Kamo clan, you were probably destined to be forced into some relationship that benefitted Jujutsu society, and not your happiness. This was just one of the many things that you hated about Jujutsu Society. Therefore, Suguru was all that more enticing to you. 

You found yourself perched on Suguru’s desk the next week. Your legs were spread wide, held apart by his large hands to assure you didn’t squirm around too much and get away from him. Suguru was lapping at your folds like a man starved. He dragged his tongue up and down your slit, and worked his way up to your clit, giving it a little kiss and suck. 

“Ngh Suguru. More.” You moaned, bucking your hips up to his face. 

“That’s not how we ask,” he replied, pulling away. 

“Suguru. Please.”

“What happened to complete sentences?” Suguru pressed one of his large thumbs to your nub, holding pressure, but refrained from moving it. 

“Fuck YOU Suguru I-“ 

“That’s what I’m trying to do, doll. You’re just not behaving.” 

He started to swirl his thumb around gently. It wasn’t enough to make you cum, but the pleasure was still intense. 

“Suguru please, I need som-something inside. Fingers. Yours. Please.” You croaked out, your head going dizzy with pleasure. 

“Awww, what’s wrong? Can’t think straight?” He said, plunging his slickened digits, adorned with a few silver rings, right into your core. 

“At least you said please, so I guess I’ll let you cum this time,” Suguru voiced in that smooth, sultry voice of his. 

He started moving those two digits back and forth in a “come here” motion, not giving you a chance to adjust to their circumference. A lewd squelching noise filled the room as he continued his ministrations. “You’re being such a good girl for me, taking my rings and fingers so well. Yeah, you like that, don’t you?” 

You let out a loud moan, and Suguru immediately pushed his thumb in your mouth for you to suck on. That way, you wouldn’t draw attention to any unwelcome visitors who might be walking the halls of the school. 

“You don’t even have to answer with that pretty mouth, your body is answering for you. You’re so tight. Gods, you’re gorgeous.” he whispered into your ear. 

He put his mouth back on your clit to suck, and added a third finger. He kept thrusting it in and out, hitting that sweet spot that had you seeing stars, as if he had your g-spot memorized. 

If Sugru ended up drowning in your juices, he would die a happy man. He absolutely loved lapping up at your sweet pussy, the earthy scent intoxicating to him. 

Soon, you felt the familiar coil in the depths of your belly start to come undone, and your cunt fluttered around Suguru’s fingers, the stimulation becoming too much.

“Come apart f’me. I got you love. I got you. Cum f’me,” Suguru commanded in his pussy-drunk haze. 

You let go as your orgasm washed over you, relishing in the pure bliss as Suguru helped you through the aftershocks. When you came to, he captured your lips in a hungry kiss. You could still taste your essence on his tongue. 

The next night, you were folded over the same desk as he pounded into you with his fat length. The bathroom stalls. The pantry. Behind the bleachers at the field. You could not get enough of each other. 

You and Suguru both fell hard and fast for each other. His unwavering sense of morality, intelligence, and kindness towards others drew you even further into his grasp. The way he spoke, his scent of freshly done laundry, his loyalty to his friends; these were all things that you loved about Suguru Geto. He was one of a kind. 

As Jujutsu Sorcerers, you were well aware that your tomorrow was not guaranteed. Suguru made you feel alive, which, to you, was worth more than any amount of fame or glory that your clan could bestow upon you. He truly wanted to make the world a better place for you, and any future you might have together. On the third month of your official relationship, you confessed your love: 

“Suguruuuu,” you giggled as he kissed up your neck. 

You had been laying in Suguru’s bed, in the midst of a heated makeout session. Your back was pressed flat into the mattress, knees at an angle, and feet flat against the soft duvet. Suguru was positioned right on top of you, in between your knees. He held your face in both of his hands, and your arms clung to the back of his head, getting lost in the inky strands. 

“I love you.” He whispered, as if he was telling a secret. 

In lieu of an answer, you brought his head down into a deep, passionate kiss. Your tongues danced together for what seemed like forever and no time at all, until you broke the kiss and said, “I think I may love you more.” 

“Unfortunately, doll, that’s simply not true. I’d end the world for you.” 

You were hopelessly in love with Suguru Geto.    

…

May 2007 

“You have a list of baby names picked out? Dude you’ve been together for like a few months.” Shoko taunted, a cigarette tucked between her lips, clicking away on her silver flip phone. 

“Oh, come on Ieiri, I think every person has a baby name list.”

“I don’t.” Shoko deadpanned. 

“You’re a lesbian who has no desire for kids,” you shot back.

“Touché. I do have a cat name list, though, if that counts,” Shoko added.

“I think it does.” you replied. 

“Ugh, fineee, gimme the list,” said Shoko, already grabbing the journal out of your hand. After scanning through the list of names, Shoko looked up at you and burst into laughter.

“Ok, you cannot name your kid Shigure. Or Kyo. Or any character from Fruits Bask-“

“Yo, WHO’S having a kid” interrupted the lanky, white-haired person with blacked-out sunglasses and a mischievous smile. Suguru appeared next to Satoru, holding a basketball, running to kiss you hello. 

“NO ONE’S having a kid,” you replied. 

“Ok, wait I need to know, do either of you have baby name lists? I feel like every person has them.” 

Satoru sighed, and thought about the question for a second. Suguru sat on the ground and started rolling the basketball in the dirt. 

“I haven’t even thought about baby names. To be honest, kids are kinda hard to have when you’re a sorcerer. You have to go on missions and then come home and change diapers, no thanks. Like, what if it poops on you? Also, I kinda wanna spite the old geezers in my clan.” Satoru added.

“You raise an excellent point, Gojo. This is one of the reasons why I love being a lesbian. Less of a risk for accidents,” Shoko took a drag from her cigarette.

“I can’t be the ONLY person here who has a list,” you sighed. 

“Lemme see that-“ Satoru said as he grabbed your journal from Shoko’s grasp. 

“…These are just Fruits Basket and One Piece charact-” Satoru snickered. 

“Wait Satoru, have you read the new One Piece chapter yet? I heard it’s crazy.” Suguru cut in. 

“Oh, no not yet, I haven’t had a chance to get the new volume,” Satoru whined. 

“What are you doing right now? Wanna go pick up some coke from the vending machine, then get to that bookstore in Shinjuku and grab a copy?” Suguru explained with excitement. 

“Honestly, a coke sounds amazing right now. Either of you wanna come?” Satoru gestured to you and Shoko. 

“Nah, I think we’re gonna go steal some of Yaga’s booze,” Shoko informed. 

“Yeah, he’s on a mission for the next day or so. Might as well take advantage of it,” You said, a little defeated and disinterested. 

“…’kay see you guys later then.” Satoru said in a sing-songy voice. 

Suguru walked up to you, pressed a quick peck on your lips, and said, “I’ll be back. Love you.” 

But that wasn’t all.

Under his breath, so that no one else could hear, he whispered, “Don’t think this conversation is over yet, doll,” and walked away as if he hadn’t uttered anything. Your stomach was filled with butterflies and you felt your cheeks go hot as he walked away. 

… 

Later the same day, May, 2007

You were sitting on Suguru’s lap as he twiddled on his PS3 controller playing one of his games. Suguru was sitting on the floor, his legs criss-crossed while you leaned against his back, feeling his warmth though his clothing. You were sporting one of his large white t-shirts, wearing only your favorite pair of panties underneath. 

“Sug?” You question softly, turning around to face him. 

“Yeah, doll?” He replied not looking down from his game. 

“So…about that comment earlier. Why did you say the conversation wasn’t finished yet? And which one? About the One Piece chapter? Or the baby names? I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable asking that question, I was ju-“

Suguru paused his game and looked at you, a smirk on his face. 

“It did the opposite of making me uncomfortable, actually. It made me feel a little more normal, or as normal as we can be given our lifestyle. I have a baby name list too.” 

Your heart fluttered. Of course he did. 

“I saw the list over Satoru’s shoulder. And we actually had one name in common.”

“Which name?” 

“Riko.” He replied softly.

His answer made you happy and sad all at once. You wish you didn’t have that name on your list. Riko Amanai had meant so much to the both of you. She represented the freedom that you could have from Jujutsu Society, as well as everything that was broken and corrupt about it. Riko’s death is what radicalized the both of you. She set you both on a path to work towards a better world. 

For a moment, you thought about what your life would be with Suguru had you not been Jujutsu Sorcerers. You would probably get married as soon as you graduated, get a job somewhere. Buy a cozy house in the countryside. Make home cooked meals, have children, adopt some dogs. You would grow old together and not have to constantly worry about the fact that you could die a gruesome death in the morning. 

You were lying down on your side now, your back against Suguru’s chest. Suguru moved a hand under your shirt, to your stomach, slowly rubbing circles, drawing you out of your trance. 

“I love your tummy, it’s so cute” Suguru sighed into your ear. 

You giggled.

“What’s so funny about that, love?”

“I’m sorry that just sounded so funny in the moment.” 

“I don’t think it’s that funny, especially when my baby’s gonna be in there one day.”

He said it so nonchalantly and matter-of-factly that you thought you had misheard him. You blushed, hoping you didn’t mishear. 

“SUG-“ you turned around and gave a playful slap to his arm. 

After a pause of giggling from the both of you, Suguru just couldn’t let the topic get away from you. 

“Ya know, I think about it a lot,” he continued. 

“Think about what,” you questioned.

“Think about what our future would be like. A house that is actually full of love. And little feet running around.” 

“Tell me more,” you said against his lips. 

“Maybe we’d live in a really remote village away from everything Jujutsu related. We could get a little farm, raise some sheep, horses, chickens, crops. We could add to the world instead of just taking.” 

“Why do we have to wait for the future to do that? Money isn’t the issue here,” You answered, referring to the handsome compensation you receive for such a risky career path. 

“True, I could just fuck a baby into you right now.” 

“I was talking about the house, and you knew that.” You shot back, a laugh escaping your chest at an attempt to be serious. 

“That’s another thing I think about.” 

“What?” You were taunting him now. You wanted to see where this was going.

“You, your tummy all round with my baby. God, you look so good when you’re stuffed full f’me,” Suguru slurred. From the dim light of his paused video game, you could see that his pupils were blown with lust. He kissed you hard and messily, tongue intertwining with yours.

Suguru removed your (his) shirt and started to kiss down your body, landing at your breasts, hovering right over a nipple. 

“These would look so good with milk. So pretty and soft,” he purred, taking a nipple into his mouth. 

The warmth of his mouth felt so good against your pebbled nipples, you couldn’t help but let out a moan. He licked and sucked until you were a drooling, wet mess underneath him. 

“You like this, huh. Baby, I’ve barely touched you. And you’re already this worked up?” He taunted, moving to give attention to the neglected nipple. 

“What else?” you slurred, ignoring his question. He still hadn’t admitted it.

“Everyone would know who you belonged to. All because of me.” He continued, releasing the nipple from his mouth. 

His words sent shivers down your spine, and you felt your arousal start to pool uncomfortably in your underwear. You needed them off. 

“Suguru, what do you want?” you asked the obvious question, just wanting to hear him speak more on the topic. 

“I wanna stuff your pretty cunt full of cum ‘till you can’t take any more, doll,” he grumbled, grinding his impressive erection on your clothed cunt. 

“Wanna get you pregnant so bad,” he continued pressing feverish kisses down the length of your body. “You’ve been asking a lot of questions about what I want.” He made his way to your panties, “But, before I take these off, I need to know what you want.”

Your hole was clenching around nothing at his words, you were getting rather impatient. 

“Please touch me.” You whined. 

“Hmm, I have been touching you my love,” 

“Sugu- stop t-teasin-nghhh.” you moaned as one of his thick fingers started moving in a circular motion on your bud. Soon, one finger became two, and he moved them from your clit to your slick folds, swirling the juices around, occasionally ghosting your eager cunt. 

“Suguru gimme your dick,” you begged. 

“Baby, one, you can ask nicer than that, where are your manners? And two, I have to get you ready to take me first. Gotta make sure I can fit the most amount of cum in there as possible,” he let out a small moan on the last word. 

“Open your mouth, doll,” he commanded. 

You complied, opening your mouth as he stuck his two slickened fingers in, pushing them as far back as they could go. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see a dark stain forming on his gray sweatpants. He must have been impossibly hard. 

Your moans and gasps vibrated against his digits, and when he thought you had been teased enough, he finally offered you the sweet relief of his fingers filling you. Definitely not as large as his cock, but they reached the parts of you that you could not with your own hands. Suguru started thrusting in and out, curling his fingers along the way, hitting your g-spot with brutal precision.

“Sug-nghhh, I’m gonna-” 

“Shhh baby, you can let go for me, I got you. So good f’me.” 

With the thumb of his hand, he lightly stroked your clit, and you felt the familiar heat bubbling in your core. After a few more thrusts, and praises from Suguru, you were cumming all over his fingers. He helped you through your orgasm, your head full of wool as you came down from your high. Suguru brought his drenched appendages to his mouth and sucked, cleaning your fluids from his fingers.

“If only curses tasted this good. I can’t get enough of you.”

In your post-orgasm clarity, you realized that your boyfriend was still clothed. That wouldn’t do. You sit up, rummaging through sticky sweats and underwear to pull his dick out. A long strand of precum dripped from his tip, breaking away as you pulled him out of his boxers. His penis would never fail to surprise you; he was of average length, but so thick, you could barely close your hand around him. You wrapped two hands around his cock as your mouth watered at the beautiful sight before you. But, just as you were about to taste him, two of his strong hands pushed you back against the bed, forcing you off of his dick. 

“What was that for? I wanna suck you off,” you pouted.

“Sorry, doll. We can’t waste any cum,” he said as his nose ghosted against yours. 

“But I just wanted to make sure, you never said it out loud. Do you actually want this? Can I actually get you pregnant? Don’t wanna pressure you if it was just a kink.” He looked into your eyes with concern, needing your verbal confirmation to continue. 

“Suguru. Put a baby in me.” 

You think you broke your boyfriend after saying that. He let out a grunt from deep within his chest and grabbed a pillow from the pile that fell off the bed in during your earlier activities. He placed the pillow underneath your lower back and whispered choruses of “I love you,” on your skin. Suguru’s fingertips traced over your skin, eventually grasping your legs, throwing them over his shoulders. 

“I don’t deserve you, doll.” He pressed a quick kiss to your nose. 

“This is called a mating press,” Suguru explained as he grabbed his cock and lined up with your twitching hole. “I did some research as to what position would get you pregnant the fastest, and I think this one has a good success rate.”  He sounded so methodical in his explanation, which was so in character for him. Of course your Suguru would do research into this. He would do anything for you to make you happy. And you would do the same for him. 

When he pushes the head in, you both gasp at the contact. He kept sliding in until his balls slapped against your ass and your pelvic bones met. There was such little resistance, and you let out a sob as he bottomed out. 

“You ok, baby? You’re taking me like such a-a, nghhh- good girl. Feels like heaven in your pussy. My pussy.” It was so attractive when he got possessive over you, your ovaries felt like they were about to burst in more ways than one. 

“Sugu- ngh- move-“ 

Instead of moving, he licked the inside of your upper thigh, dragging his tongue impossibly slow to tease you. 

“NGH- plea-ahhh please,” you could feel tears pricking in the corner of your eyes. He made it so easy for you to fall apart. 

“Good girl, look at you using your words,” he sounded wrecked, his voice gravely with arousal. And with that, he began moving. At first, his thrusts were slow and deep; you could feel every vein and ridge on his dick. His balls slapped against the fat of your ass, creating an embarrassingly loud clapping sound that bounced off of the walls. It felt delicious. 

You weren’t just having sex - he was making love to you. It was emotional and sensual. The tears you felt earlier spilled over on to your cheeks as Suguru picked up the pace, his cock pistoning in and out. He kissed your tears away as you muttered broken moans of both his name and explicits. 

Suguru’s grip was surely going to leave bruises in the morning. One hand was holding your body in place around your waist, while the other kept your leg over his shoulder. He let go of your leg for a moment as he grabbed another pillow that was somewhere in reach, and gently slid it under your hips so that he could reach you at a deeper angle. Your vision went blurry. He was impossibly deep, you thought you could feel him rearranging your intestines. 

Finally, his thrusts started getting sloppier. You knew Suguru was close. 

“Gonna fuck my baby into you,” he half moaned. “Fuck, love, I’m close. Want ya to let go first,” and with that, he moved his possessive, bruising touch to rub your clit. After a few rotations around your nub, you let go, your vision going white as you came hard, your cunt clamping down on his cock.

The vice grip of your pussy is what finally sent him over the edge, and Suguru began to fill you up with his thick load. 

“Thank you, baby, thank you,” Suguru chanted, like it was a prayer, and you were the goddess who was receiving his offering. You laid like that for a while, him still inside, your hips tilted up to keep his cum inside of you. He left a trail of kisses down your sweat-drenched neck as his cock softened in your walls. 

After about fifteen minutes, you felt Suguru starting to fill out again, his body gearing up for round two. 

And then three.

And then four. 

You lost count of how many times you had cum that night. Your tummy sported a small bump with the amount of Suguru’s seed trapped in your womb. You were so full that you couldn’t possibly take any more. And Suguru loved you like that. 

Of course, he loved you always, but this was different. He took one of his large hands and gently massaged your sore, slightly swollen belly, pressing wet kisses all around. 

“I hope our baby looks like you,” you whispered into the crown of his head. 

“I was just thinking the same thing. I hope our baby at least has your eyes. I get lost in them sometimes,” he responded. “Ya know, your eyes are probably my favorite part of you, besides your tummy. And your beautiful brain. And every other part of you.” 

“I love you so much, Suguru. I don’t think I can put it into words. You’re such a good man, so good to me. You’re gonna be the best dad one day,” you confessed.

“Hopefully, that day will be soon,” he smirked, “I’m gonna go get you water and a hot washcloth to clean you up. Want anything to eat?” 

You smiled back at him and shook your head, blowing a kiss to him before he left. 

You expected yourself to be more freaked out by his comment, “hopefully, that day will be soon,” but you couldn’t help but feel excited. Life as a Jujutsu Sorcerer was so unexpected, you never knew when a mission was going to be your last. You decided it wouldn’t be a bad thing to have a little mini Suguru running around, allowing the three of you to finally have the family that neither you nor Suguru ever did. 

… 

August 2007

It was a disgustingly hot day outside. You were so sweaty, you felt your clothes sticking to you, and the humidity felt as if you were walking through a sauna. 

Since it was so unbearably hot outside, you and Suguru decided it would be a nice day to go to a water park. Of course, that meant Satoru and Shoko had to tag along. 

You and Suguru were in charge of packing, as the other two would not have chosen enough food or towels for your journey. They would probably also forget things like sunscreen and umbrellas, opting to fill your beach bags with bottles of booze and sweets. You and Suguru were practically the parents of the friend group at this point; sometimes the other two would even refer to you as “mom and dad.” Suguru would give you a smirk any time this happened, reminding you of the conversation you had back in May. 

After you fought Satoru on the fact that he could not in fact take an entire box of ice cream mochi to the water park, you were set to leave on your adventure. The four of you and your bags all piled in the car of an assistant director. Excitement and easy conversation flowed through the vehicle, as all of you relished in the relief of the cool air conditioning. 

Shoko sat in the front, smoking a cigarette, choosing which CDs to play, while you sat in the back with Satoru and Suguru. Suguru, being the gentleman that he is, gave you the seat behind the driver’s side. You tried to resist, explaining that he and Satoru would have more leg room if you just sat in the middle, but Suguru insisted. 

The four of you finally arrived at the water park about an hour and a half later. 

Maybe this was a bad idea. 

As you walked through the wooden gates, the park was swarmed with families, teenagers, and college students. There were colorful slides entangled in each other at the center of the park, with a lazy river surrounding it. To the left, there was a wave pool with people attempting to surf, and to the right, there was another large pool with buckets of water that would dump on patrons randomly. The lounge chairs were spread throughout the park, and it seemed like the entirety of Japan had come to this one water park to beat the summer heat. 

“Ok guys let’s stay together and try to find some lounge chai-” 

“Shoko! I’m gonna beat you down those slides, ready?” Satoru screamed with glee, like a young child. 

“Hold on, lemme finish this,” Shoko replied, motioning to her cigarette. 

“NO! We. Are. Going. To. Sit. Down. Let’s just stay together, it’s a madhouse here,” You put your foot down. 

“If I wanted to be mothered, mother, I would have gone home for the summer,” Shoko rolled her eyes at you. You just ignored her, too bothered by the heat to even come up with a good comeback.

“I sent out a curse to go find us a spot - wait. Where’s Satoru?” Suguru chimed in.

“Let’s be logical about this. Where is the nearest ice cream stand?” You asked. 

“Ha, there he is,” Shoko nodded her head towards the nearest ice cream stand. In the line of children, there was one with white hair who was almost as tall as the stand itself. Bingo. 

You marched over to the line, and went to tug Satoru by his ear back to the group. Alas, his Infinity was on, and you could not touch him. 

“Oof, I would not wanna be him right now, that one has a temper,” Shoko joked, as she put her cigarette out over the trash can next to them, watching you and Satoru argue. In that moment, Suguru couldn’t help but stare at you, taking in how beautiful you looked against the summer sun. You were glowing, radiant, even as you berated his best friend. 

“I haven’t seen you look at someone the way you look at her.” Shoko broke Suguru’s thoughts, pulling him out of his trance. 

“Yeah.” Suguru responded, smiling. 

“Wow, you didn’t even try to deny it,” Shoko smirked back. “OOooo someone’s in looovee,” Shoko teased. 

“I am. And I’m so lucky. I love her more than anything in the world,” Suguru said with a content sigh. 

“Ok, now you’re just gonna make me vomit, that’s so sappy,” Shoko stuck out her tongue, making a fake gagging sound. 

“It’s true,” Suguru responded, still in his trance.

“What if I can treat her better than you,” Shoko teased. 

“Maybe,” he said, the slightest flicker of insecurity in his eyes. “I don’t think I deserve her sometimes. She’s not as tainted by curses and cursed energy as I am. She’s not the one who absorbs curses day after day.” He looked tired. Shoko noticed the bags under his eyes, but just as she was about to say something, you came running with Satoru’s wrist in your hand, pulling him with an ice cream cone in his hand. The ice cream was beginning to drip everywhere.

“I can’t believe they only had vanilla. What a ripoff,” Satoru sighed, annoyed. 

“You dumbass, you didn’t even get napkins!? How am I supposed to call you a functioning adult, you’re literally about to turn 19, and you didn’t even get napkins?!” You berated him again.

“Oh, looks like the curse found a place for us to sit. It’s keeping the area clear so non-sorcerers aren’t determined to sit there,” Suguru interrupted. 

You all walked towards a little spot in the shade with three lounge chairs and a table. You figured you would just share your lounge chair with Suguru and sit in his lap. Or he could use your lap as a pillow and you could braid his hair. Either worked. 

Just as you were setting out your towels on the chairs, you heard a PLOP and crying following after. A little kid had slipped and fallen down on the concrete. He used his hands to break the fall, and the skin of his palms were broken a little bit, blood splintering through the cracks. He started hysterically crying.

“Oh no, sweetie! Are you okay? Where is your grown up?” you rushed over to the kid. 

“I think I packed a first aid kit in the bag, let me get it,” Suguru added.

Of course he did, that man was prepared for the end of the world.

Suguru took an antiseptic wipe from the kit, and bent down so that he was at eye level with the kid. 

“This is probably going to sting, but it will feel better I promise. Your bathing suit is dope by the way, I love the colors,” Suguru cooed at the kid, trying to calm him down. 

“You remind me a lot of my little brother, his name is Noritoshi. He’s really brave. Are you brave like him?” you added. 

The child stopped his hysterics and let Suguru clean him up, listening to both of your kind words. He nodded his little head of pink hair at your question and pointed towards an elderly man slowly, but frantically making his way over to the kid.

“Yuji! What happened?” the old man asked.

“I falled and getted a boo-boo,” the kid, called Yuji, sniffled. 

“He slipped and hurt his hand, we have some antiseptic disinfectant and bandaids though, so we fixed him right up,” you told the man as he got closer.

“He was really brave,” Suguru added, smiling down at Yuji. 

“Thank you, so much. You two are very kind,” the man said in a monotone voice. Though his voice showed no emotion, his eyes did. His eyes looked tired, but definitely grateful to the kindness of you and Suguru. 

“Feel better, dude!” Suguru yelled to Yuji as his grandfather led him away. 

After about an hour of tanning on the lounges with Shoko, you looked to see where the boys went. It wasn’t very hard to spot the two best friends, as they were acting like children, making big waves in the lazy river. On Suguru’s shoulders, you noticed something: the kid with the pink hair from earlier. 

Suguru and Satoru were having some sort of chicken fight with him, all three of them laughing and having the time of their lives. 

“You are hopeless,” Shoko rolled her eyes, a new cigarette in between her lips. 

“What do you mean?” You replied. 

“Don’t play dumb, I know what you’re thinking,” she smirked back.

…

September 2007 

“Suguru, you look like you’ve lost weight, are you okay?” Satoru asked, as he twirled a pencil in midair with his Infinity technique. 

“Just tired,” Suguru responded. 

Over the past few weeks, Suguru had developed dark circles and bags under his eyes. He looked pale, and was often exhausted. Not too exhausted for you though, apparently. 

It seemed the two of you spent more and more time together holed up in one of your rooms when you weren’t on missions. It was just so nice in your own little world, away from everything. You didn’t have to care about who lived and who died. You only had to focus on each other. 

Satoru attempted to carry on the conversation. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” 

“You probably won’t see me for a while again.” 

“Yo, what’s that supposed to mean?” 

“I need to get out of here. Both of us do. We’re not fit for Jujutsu Society.” Suguru said, referring to the two of you. 

“Ha, ha, so funny.” Satoru sarcastically added. 

“It’s not a joke.” 

“What do you mean? Dude, you’re a special grade, you seriously think they’re gonna let you quit?” 

It was true. The elders wouldn’t just let Suguru run away and walk free. If he was not with Jujutsu society, he was probably against it. And letting a special grade sorcerer and his grade one partner roam free would pose a threat to the stability of the elder’s iron grip on the status quo of Jujutsu society. 

He’d have to get the elders to denounce and force you out. 

So, here you were, flying with the man who was your boyfriend, your one and only, on the back of a curse, headed out for a mission, and hopefully, some much needed seclusion with Suguru. 

… 

7:03 PM (19:03)

You and Suguru decided to split up for the mission. It had been reported that there was a sighting of two possible curse users and a separate cursed spirit. Thus, Suguru wanted to deal with the curse users, and you to deal with the curse itself. 

You exorcized the curse with ease, using piercing blood to slice the monster in half. There were a few other lower level curses, which you could have eliminated with your eyes closed. It seemed too easy. If Suguru was sent on this mission, there had to be something else, another factor. After a few minutes of patrolling for any other cursed energy residue, you decided to find your way back to Suguru. 

You found him standing outside of a small house on the outskirts of the village. He seemed out of it; he was staring right at the door, but did not enter. As you approached, you saw the strong cursed energy residue leading from the door. 

“Sug, I exorcized those curses. I know you hate the taste of swallowing them, I didn’t want to make you do that if you didn’t have to.” If Suguru heard you, he showed no acknowledgement. 

“Suguru?” You pinched the sleeve of his white collared shirt.

“Dude? Did you hear me?” You squeezed his thick bicep, pushing your manicured nails into his skin, effectively bringing him back from whatever plane of reality he was on. 

“The locals in the village told me this is the home of two little girls, twins. Their descriptions match the ones for the curse users. So…” He insinuated, leaving the rest for you to figure out. His amber eyes were dark and cold. 

“Oh.” You said. You and Suguru had both been through a lot and hated Jujutsu Society. You and Suguru had your incident with Amanai a little over a year earlier, and your uppity clan kept you from your mother, a heartbreaking decision by the family head in order to give you the best possible chance of becoming the leader of the clan. A position which you despised.

Over the past few months, in the afterglow of sex, you two would lay there, embraced in each other's arms, dreaming of a world without curses, without clans, without people to produce those curses. “Monkeys,” as Suguru referred to non-sorcerers, from which curses were created. In your and Suguru’s fantasy world, you wouldn’t even have a reason to use curse techniques. You could get married, have children, live a peaceful life without fear of a curse coming to take that happiness away.

The bottom line is you knew Jujutsu Society was unfair, but never would you think you would be asked to harm a child. What was wrong with these people? You thought of your little brother, Norotoshi, who was also six years old. He was supposed to be your “competition” for the title of family head, but you never really wanted to fight him. He was just your sweet little brother. 

How could you harm someone that is the same age as your little brother? 

A wave of nausea ran through your body as the reality of the situation dawned upon you. Suguru kneeled down on the floor with you, rubbing your back and holding your hair back as you vomited. 

“Shhh, I got you.” He wrapped you in an awkward embrace on the floor, and pressed a kiss to your sweat-sheened forehead. “It’s going to be okay. I have a plan.” Suguru’s entire demeanor changed in an instant. He smiled, but there was no emotion behind his eyes, and his voice sounded like it was coated in honey. 

His behavior was strange, but helped you to feel more at ease. Suguru gave you some hope to cling on to. 

… 

8:46 PM (20:46) 

You were both sitting on the stairs leading up to the front of the house. You were leaning on Suguru as he brushed a hand over your hair, occasionally placing a kiss on the top of your head. You had finally finished sobbing into Suguru’s chest after an hour, the teardrops staining through his white collared shirt. You felt so many emotions. Anger at the broken system. Hatred, for the Jujutsu Society elders. Confusion, for what would happen once you committed to your plan. Grief, for the people in your life that you would lose. Betrayal, from the society that was supposed to protect people. Suguru sat with you and validated your feelings, making you feel like you and your emotions were the only things in this world that matter. 

The plan was simple. You were both going to defect. 

Both you and Suguru were sick and tired of the way the world functioned. You were sick of watching comrades, comrades who were teenagers, who were children, die. 

During one of your late night conversations, Suguru once said, 

“If being a Jujutsu Sorcerer is like running a marathon…

What if what’s at the end of that road…

Is a mountain of our fellow sorcerers’ dead corpses.”

In that moment, Suguru had played it off as some dark joke, but part of you knew that he was right. 

As for the plan, you two were to wait until some of the elders of the village led you into the small house, as they apparently kept multiple locks on it to keep the supposed dangerous young girls at bay. Then, you were going to take the young sorcerers on the back of one of Suguru’s curses and run to Kyoto and find somewhere to stay for the night. Suguru said he would “take care of the rest.” You trusted him with your whole being, even if that meant him ending the lives of a few non-sorcerers. It would serve them right for causing the very existence of curses. 

…

9:01 PM (21:01)

The two elders from the village arrived shortly after. You took Suguru’s hand and shared a reassuring glance, his thumb rubbing gently over your hand as if to say, it’s going to be okay. Shaking with exhaustion, anxiety, and some of the nausea from earlier,  you slowly made your way up the stairs as the elders parted the shoji doors. The building seemed to be one long room with some sort of wooden cage at the end, almost like the house was made to hold animals at some point. 

The building was dimly lit, but you could see the outline of two small figures huddled together in the center of the wooden cage. Your stomach turned once again, and you tightly squeezed Suguru’s hand.

“What is this?” Suguru firmly questioned, his free hand going up to brush his bangs away. 

The two of you stepped closer to the makeshift prison, and the two small figures were shaking. As you made your way towards the children, they had obviously been beaten. They were covered in dry blood, scratches and bruises. They both had one black eye. 

How could these children, these SIX year olds, legally be kept like this? THESE were the scary curse users that were terrorizing this village? It was disgusting. 

“My grandchild was on the verge of death because of these two,” spit the woman who led you in.

“These two use strange powers and often attack the villagers.” defended the other man in your presence.

Suguru dropped your hand and squatted down to be at eye level with the girls, pinching his nose bridge between his pointer finger and thumb. 

“So you mean to tell me that you monkeys think that these little girls, these children are responsible for the incidents that have been occuring, is that correct?” Suguru grumbled, his voice icy and dangerous. 

“I already dealt with the cause of the incidents, they’re innocent children, what is wrong with you people,” you cried. You were full of rage, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. 

One of the young girls, clutching a well-loved stuffed animal, bravely spoke up and declared, “We didn’t mean to hurt anyone on purpose, they were trying to-”

“SHUT UP YOU MONSTERS!” The elder woman screamed. 

“Your parents were the same. I knew we should have killed you when you were born,” the man added. 

“Exactly, twins are bad luck. We should have known better,” the elder woman snorted. 

Suguru looked down at the girls and whispered something that would not have been obvious to someone who did not know him as well as you did, “It’ll be okay.”

He started drawing a curse from his arsenal of cursed spirits, and gave you a nod. The signal to go ahead with the plan. 

That same silky smooth, almost frighteningly nice, voice that Suguru only used when he was especially angry. 

“Let’s step outside for a second, shall we?” Suguru tutted, producing the same pink cursed spirit you flew on to get to the village. He walked out the door with the two older adults and shot you a glance. 

I’d end the world for you. 

It was the same expression he bore when you confessed your love for each other, all of those months ago. 

The girls immediately stood up when they sighted the curse. They were terrified, understandably so. You moved towards the thick metal lock of the wooden cage and knelt down.

“Hey girls, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m here to help. You’re safe. I know it must seem so scary right now, but me and the other man you saw me with are going to get you out of here.”

You told them your name, and assured them that you were like them. Using your piercing blood to cut through the thick lock, you explained to them about your technique and talked to them about your little brother to keep them (and yourself) calm. 

As soon as the lock broke, the girls ran to you and hugged you tightly. They were shaking, crying, and clinging to your body. A series of thank you’s flooded from their mouths, and you kissed the top of their heads, attempting to dry their tears away. 

“The pink curse over here is going to take us to safety. Suguru, that man who’s talking to them, is also a sorcerer, and he’ll meet us wherever we get to.” you explained. 

You sat the girls on the curse side by side, and then climbed in back of them to make sure they did not fall. Using Supernova, you blasted a hole through the roof, and the cursed spirit started to levitate off of the ground. Quickly, you gained altitude and left the village behind. You covered the girls eyes as you looked back, just to see what was happening. The entrance to the house was ablaze and you could make out Suguru’s cursed spirits crawling throughout the village. 

Shit. Well, there wasn’t any turning back now. 

… 

The Next Morning

Overnight, you had flown the girls to a small hostel on the outskirts of Osaka. You purchased a small, private room for the three of you to stay in. 

As the sky turned from a deep purple to a ombré of orange and blue, nausea from the previous evening returned in full force. You held yourself over the toilet as you threw up what felt like your entire gut. You stayed like that until you heard four small feet walk into the bathroom behind you. 

With the light properly shining on them, you got to see how truly filthy they were. The girl, who called herself Mimiko, had short brown hair that was knotted, matted, and crinkled with dry blood. Her sister, Nanako, was not faring much better. Her blonde curls were also matted, and there was crusted blood left on her forehead. They both were covered from head to toe in bruises, had dark circles around their eyes, and seemed to be alarmingly skinny. 

“Um… are you okay?” Nanako asked. You took a deep breath, happy to focus on something other than your churning stomach for a moment. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I think it’s just nerves.” You answered. 

“Let’s worry about you two, I’ll run you a bath, then we can go to the 7/11 across the way and pick up some food. Sound good?” You declared. 

Mimiko’s stomach rumbled. “I think your belly answered for you, Mimiko,” you chuckled softly. 

… 

While the girls bathed, you went down to the Lost and Found of the hostel and grabbed a few items that looked like they would fit the twins: some hoodies, leggings, and a skirt. You also fixed yourself up, washing the vomit out of your mouth and splashing your face with hot water from the sink. 

Once the girls looked decent enough to go outside without raising suspicion, the three of you ventured out to the 7/11 across the street. 

The smell of food was a welcome scent as you walked up and down the rows of food, snacks, and other items. You grabbed whatever you thought a few six year olds would like, and on your way to the cashier, something caught your eye. A row of 100 yen pregnancy tests and other feminine care products. Whether it be a metaphorical gut feeling or the actual nausea that had persisted for the last few days, something told you to purchase a stick to pee on, just in case.You snuck the test into the pile of items you and the girls were purchasing. 

When the three of you got to the hostel, the girls scarfed their food down, and you tried to take little nibbles and sips of water. You put the twins down for a nap. 

You tried your best not to think about Suguru. You didn’t know what to think of him anymore. The man you spoke to the previous night could not have been your boyfriend. The Suguru you knew would never kill without a point. He would never just murder an entire village of people. 

You hoped and prayed that you were wrong. That he didn’t actually harm anyone and just showed off his curses to teach the people of the village a lesson.

Wait.

What if he was killed? 

It was all so confusing. You loved Suguru. He’s the one person who seemed to have love for you, besides your younger brother. 

Noritoshi. A pang of guilt wracked through your frame, heightening the gurgling of your stomach. 

If he murdered those non-sorcerers…you would have been deemed an accomplice. 

 So…

What would he think? 

Your baby brother?

Would he be okay? 

He’s a boy with an inherited technique in the Kamo clan. But would people look out for him? Would they keep him from your mother as well? 

In your spiral of thoughts, you noticed the 7/11 bag on the counter and remembered the supplies you bought earlier that day. You grabbed it as quietly as possible, as to not wake the girls, and stepped into the bathroom, clutching the goods inside. Your hands were shaking from lack of food over the past day and a half, but as carefully as you could, you retrieved the pregnancy test from the bag. 

The box was small, but felt so heavy in your hand. 

Why not? It probably won’t be positive, you told yourself. 

Why do I have to convince myself it won’t be positive, you thought. 

You know what, it will get my brain off of Noritoshi and Suguru for a bit, you reasoned, pulling apart the tucked in top of the box. 

After you fully unwrapped it, you read the directions, and followed suit. You put the test in the cup on the sink of the bathroom, and walked out to see the clock in the room. You waited five minutes until the results developed. 

Wait…this was probably a bad idea.

What were you thinking? 

This was so stupid why would you go and do this in the first place? 

You needed to get some air, your chest felt tight. You felt the nausea creeping back again. 

Suguru, where are you? 

You grabbed a room key off of the counter and slowly walked out into the hallway, desperately trying to keep yourself from waking the girls. One of the first things that caught your eye in the hallway was a vending machine. 

Maybe some soda would help settle your stomach? 

You walked over to the machine and plucked a few coins from your pocket, listening to them clink through the slot. You selected a Ginger Ale and Coke, reasoning that if you didn’t drink it, Suguru would when he got back.

If he got back. 

No. You can’t think like that. 

You took as long as you could getting back to the room, stepping on every other square of the carpeted floors, trying to ground yourself back to reality somehow. You arrived at the door a few minutes later and opened the door. 

The windows in your room were wide open, allowing a little breeze to blow the curtains. You dropped both bottles of soda. 

You had locked the windows before leaving the room. You made sure of it. 

You panicked, running for the girls to make sure they were okay. Alas, they were sleeping soundly, no new scratches or blood on them. 

You turned your attention to the bathroom, where the door was closed and you heard some rustling. 

Slowly making your way towards the door, you lined up your piercing blood technique, in case you were about to be attacked. 

“Baby, is that you?” you heard from the other side of the door. 

“Suguru.” You didn’t know if you should be more frightened or relieved. 

Part of you wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and kiss the scratches and dried blood away from him. Other than that, he looked relatively unharmed. His usual neat bun was not apparent on the top of his head, instead he let his hair hang loose, his bangs tied up in a messy half-up-half-down. He was dressed in all black, a dark oversized crew neck and baggy black sweats. As insinuated by the dark bags under his eyes, he didn’t look like he had eaten or slept in the past day or two. 

“Whose blood is that? Yours? Or someone else’s.” 

“That’s one way to say hello.”

“Answer.” 

“Doll, what’s wrong?”

“Suguru, are you okay?”

“My love, I took care of everything. We’ll be safe for the next few days, alright. We just have to lay low for a little while.” 

“Suguru, answer me.” 

“Shhh, everything is okay, doll. Your body's working overtime right now, and the pregnancy hormones can’t be helping.”

What? 

You stared at him. No way. 

“That test is your’s, right?” he questioned, his face filled with concern. “It’s positive.” 

You stared at him, then at the test. It was. 

“I- I’m gonna be a dad,” Suguru’s face cracked into a sincere smile. 

He picked you up and spun you around, planting kisses all over your head and face. 

“And you’re gonna be a mom! To my baby. Our baby. You’re gonna be the best mommy, you're so good with kids.” 

You stayed silent; you were still processing everything that just happened. 

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he cradled your face gently in his hands. 

You stood frozen, thinking of words to say, but they never made it out of your mouth. Your vision went blurry with water, and the churning feeling you had been trying too hard to suppress returned to your stomach. You gagged, running over to the toilet. 

As you held yourself over the bowl, your body felt like it was trying to expel all of your organs out through your mouth. Suguru leapt to your side and held your hair back as you threw up, rubbing soothing circles into your back. 

“Shhh, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out, this is just one of the best things that’s ever happened.” Suguru cooed. 

You took a deep breath and wiped any stray vomit from your lips with the back of your hand. 

As you hurled your guts out, you felt his large, warm hand, rubbing circles on the small of your back. The other of his hands went to hold your hair out of your face. 

You stayed like that for about an hour, just sitting there, pondering your impending motherhood. 

Mother. 

You were going to be a mother. 

It simultaneously freaked you out and surprised you. Suguru, the person you loved most in this world, actually got you pregnant. Of course he did. He always stuck to his word.

When that man was committed to something, he was going to have it. He was possessive, territorial even. That made him all the more dangerous, but it wasn’t him you were afraid of or for. You were afraid for the rest of the world. 

I’d end the world for you. 

His promise echoed in the back of your mind. 

“Sweetheart, it is going to be okay. I think I may have gotten too overexcited and freaked you out. You don’t have to keep it if you don’t want to, I’m here for whatever you need. But, thank you. Thank you for this precious gift.” 

It was a gift that forever linked the two of you together. 

… 

September 2007

You found her waiting on a bench in the center of Shinjuku, trying to find something in her pockets, probably a lighter for her cigarette. 

“Hey, need a light?” Suguru asked, offering out a lighter. 

“Hi,” you waved shyly. 

“If it isn’t the criminals, trolling girls who smoke?” Shoko replied

“Just testing our luck I guess, '' Suguru joked. 

“Mmhmm, well, I’ll go ahead and ask. Any chance the charges are fake?” 

“No, unfortunately not

“Then I’ll ask another question, why?” 

“To create a world of only Jujutsu Sorcerers,” 

“We don’t want anymore of our comrades to die,” you doubled down on Suguru’s point. 

“Ha, that doesn’t make sense, but whatever,” Shoko said, picking up her phone and dialing a number. Someone on the other line answered. 

“Hey, Gojo? 

Yeah, found ‘em. 

Shinjuku. 

No way, I don’t wanna get killed.” She said before quickly hanging up.

“Do you have the thing we talked about?” Suguru asked before walking towards the area his best friend was said to be.

“Yes, I’ve got her,” Shoko looked into his eyes, 

“Okay, I love you,” Suguru said, placing a kiss on your forehead and walking off. 

Shoko put her cigarette out. 

“Shoko I’m okay, just, um, okay how do I put this…” 

“Dude, spit it out, you're scaring me.” 

“I’m pregnant.” you blurted out. 

“Shit.” the mousy brunette replied. 

 “No, it’s okay, really, I’m happy, we’re happy, just…scared - ” 

“Did you not use protection? You of all people? The mom friend? Well, now, I guess literal mom friend,” Shoko put her hands in her hair, scrunching it out of stress, “And you’re a fugitive! Both you and Geto have been sentenced to death by the elders. Jesus Christ Y/N, how the fuck are you going to raise a child as a fucking criminal.” 

“I’m sorry Shoko, I-I couldn’t,” your last word was muffled by the huge lump in your throat. You knew Shoko of all people would rip you a new one, but you didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Tears clouded your vision, and you were sobbing so violently, that you started to choke on the snot and water running down your face. People were staring. 

“Woah, dude. Shhh, it’s okay, I’m here now,” Shoko reached down to wipe some of the snot off of your face with the sleeve of her uniform. “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up, I have some supplies that I brought in my bag.” 

Shoko grabbed your hand and led you into the nearby metro station. You rushed past the crowds of people, until you made your way into the gate. Shoko kept leading you further underground until you reached a room that was sectioned off for mothers and infants. 

“Get inside, we shouldn’t be bothered in here for a while,” Shoko stated, her tone gentle. You walked in, and she locked the door behind you. 

The room was small, but cozy. There was an infant changing table to the right, and to the left, there was a small blue couch with a table next to it. There were a few blankets packaged in sanitary wrappers laying on the side of the couch, and the room was decorated with pastel flowers all around. You felt completely safe for the first time in a while. 

“Sit,” Shoko commanded. You complied and took a seat on the couch. 

“I got one of those portable ultrasound things from the infirmary. I don’t know why we have these things but, hey, it’s coming in handy.” 

“How did you know to bring an ultrasound kit with you?” you asked suspiciously. 

“Oh, Geto told me to bring one. So, I kind of already figured you were pregnant, or you had some kind of internal bleeding. But with the way he was being so secretive, I figured the former.” Shoko replied, fiddling with the machine. It looked like a tiny foldable computer, the probe attached to a wire that fed into the screen. 

She KNEW???

“If you knew, then why the fuck did you make me say it out loud?” you demanded. 

“Because I needed to be sure this wasn’t a trick or something to kill me,” she shot back, “If ya didn’t know, your boyfriend -” 

“Fiancé -” 

“Fiancé, whatever, killed an entire village of people.” 

“I know, but he did what he had to do. We’re trying to make the world a better place, a place without curses, so you don’t have to keep seeing people die.” You refuted. 

“I’m not talking to you about this right now, I’m here to make sure you and the fetus inside of you are okay. You chose your path, and I chose mine. I’m not trying to change your mind, what’s done is done. I don’t support what you two did, but you’re still my best friend. I’m here for you,” Shoko finished and scooched on the couch to give you a hug. You were crying again, fat tears streaming down your cheeks. 

After five minutes, you two finally parted, and Shoko reached into her bag to produce some supplies. She pulled out sanitizer, a bottle of gel, a pair of gloves, and a little blue cloth. Shoko sanitized her hands, and gave some to you as well. She then put the pair of gloves on and asked you to pull up your shirt to reveal your abdomen. Finally, she tucked the blue cloth into your pants, so that the gel would not get on it. 

“This might feel cold. I also don’t really know if I’m doing this 100% right, so, you should probably find someone with a medical degree and not just reverse curse technique to look at you,” Shoko added, the usual banter reappearing between you two. 

She squeezed some of the cold jelly-like substance on your abdomen. You winced at the uncomfortable feeling. Shoko took the end of the probe and started gently pushing it around on your stomach. After about a minute, something appeared on the little screen. 

Woah. 

That’s your kid. Your and Suguru’s baby. You started crying again. 

You loved them already, and only wished Suguru could have been here to see this. 

“Yeah, there’s a whole-ass kid in there,” Shoko confirmed.

“As opposed to a half-ass kid?” You joked. Shoko laughed. 

Next, Shoko reached into her bag, producing a thick textbook. She turned to a page that was marked by brightly-colored post-it notes. 

“Okay, based on this development textbook, you’re probably about 9 to 10 weeks along. Can you use your technique and give me a blood sample fast?” 

9 to 10 weeks. 

That’s a lot farther along than you thought. 

You took a deep breath. “Okay,” and slowly produced a handful of blood from your palm, dropping it with a PLOP into the test tube Shoko held out for you. 

“I’ll run a test on this once I get back to the infirmary at school, I just wanna check your hGC levels to make sure they’re good. But in the meantime, start taking these,” she produced yet another item from her bag. “They’re prenatal vitamins. Also, I know Geto has to have some connections somewhere with doctors. Have him find one for you. I can check on you once in a while, but not all the time or it will get suspicious. I love you, but I’m also an eighteen-year-old who doesn’t have a medical degree yet. I’ll leave first with Satoru to make sure there aren’t any sorcerers around so that you and Geto can escape. Stay safe and healthy, please,” 

“Safe and healthy, coming from the chainsmoker?” You joked. 

Shoko rolled her eyes as she gave you a final hug, exiting the room, leaving you alone with the bag of medical supplies and textbook. 

… 

Mid January, 2008 

As the months passed, you did not think it possible, yet you fell deeper in love with Suguru. He doted on you and the twins constantly, spoiling you with gifts, having his followers help construct a lavish living space for you in the back of the monastery. Mimiko and Nanako shared a large room, their western-style four poster beds were adorned with silks and all of the stuffed animals they could desire. They had large walk-in closets full of dress-up gowns and expensive designer brands.

“Only the best for my girls,” Suguru would say. 

As for you, he had a beautiful master suite built, the double walk-in closet filled with comfortable, yet elegant, maternity clothing and a California king bed dwarfing the rest of the room. The walls were painted white with navy and gold accents throughout the room. 

When he was not tending to his cult, Suguru also kept you close to him as much as possible. Sometimes, he would even have you sit with him as you both tended to his followers throughout the day, him consuming their curses and you collecting their money. 

Though he saw you as an equal, he was still overly protective and territorial of you now that you were carrying his child. He would sit you down on his lap in front of your followers, his hands caressing your now-evident baby bump, proclaiming to both you and the people in the cult that you were a goddess among mere mortals. When the monastery was empty, sometimes he would just sit and hold you, breathing in your scent. You would sit like that for an hour sometimes, him feeling the baby kick against his large palms, trailing kisses up and down your nape. You would curl yourself up as much as you could to put your ear to his chest, his heartbeat drumming with excitement.  

When you weren’t helping Suguru, you were with the twins. Playing with them, going on walks, teaching them little things about the world that they missed while living in that cursed village. They were really excited to have a new sibling and talked about all of the clothes they would dress the new baby in. You had to remind them, of course, that the baby was not a doll. They also threw out name suggestions, but you had to tell them that unfortunately, “Princess,” and “Hello Kitty,” were not appropriate names to call their soon to be baby sibling. 

At the end of your long days tending to the needs of non-sorcerers that were actually useful to your cause, Suguru would have you both change out of your robes and start to cook dinner while you played with the girls. True, he could have hired someone to cook for your little family, but he wanted to take it upon himself to make sure that you were getting all of the nutrients and rest you and the twins possibly could. 

You somehow succeeded in carving out a nice life for yourself under the harshest of circumstances. Sure, it wasn’t the utopia you and Suguru had always imagined all of those nights back at Jujutsu High, but you had a little family of your own and were working towards a better, safer world. 

… 

After he finished tucking the girls into bed one night, you curled up with Suguru on the couch, your head tucked against his chest, and knees in between his hips, using him as a body pillow. One of his hands was around you and the other was used to cradle his head on the arm of the couch as you both laid there. 

None of your pre-maternity pants fit you anymore, so you threw on a pair of Suguru’s gray sweats and a white t-shirt. You practically lived in his clothes at this point. 

He started rubbing small, gentle circles on your swollen belly, seemingly in awe of your changing body. If you ever got insecure about your stretch marks, or how much weight you gained, he would make you stand in front of the mirror in your shared chambers, kissing every inch of your body. In the shower, he would take the time to wash your hair and help you shave. He wanted to let you know that you weren’t alone. Suguru was right there the whole time. 

You felt a fluttering in your stomach where he was rubbing your belly, and Suguru gasped, breaking the serene silence. 

“Hi, baby,” he whispered to your bump. Joy flashed through his tired eyes as his lips curved into a dopey smile. Then, he leaned up to press sweet, wet kisses into your neck. 

“The most beautiful woman in the world. How did I get so lucky?” Suguru cooed. 

“You’re stunning,” he continued, pulling you into a deep, passionate kiss. 

Since falling pregnant, you were sensitive to the slightest touch. Your fiancé was sensitive to the slightest glance from you. Your sexual appetites had grown increasingly insatiable. 

From his words and kisses, you could feel yourself drenching your underwear. As Suguru’s tongue continued to slither into your mouth, you absentmindedly started grinding against his muscled thigh, the friction feeling delicious on your clit. 

“Ngh- Sugu- p-please touch me. No teasing. Need you,” you moaned. 

“Do you need my fingers? I bet I can take you right now from how soaked you are,” he purred. 

“Don’t care. Want something inside,” you whined. 

“Lemme check you first. Don’t wanna hurt you.” And with that, he felt your soaked, clothed cunt through your pants and underwear. You were so wet, that a dark, sticky patch was starting to form on your sweatpants. You nearly ripped the pants off of you in the midst of your carnal need to have some part of him, any part of him, filling you. 

Suguru got right to work, stripping you of the layers concealing you from him. After a few circles on your clit, he sunk his middle finger into your cunt. There was no resistance; he was able to sink his finger all the way down to his knuckle. So, he added a second finger, which you took just as easily. 

You felt relieved to finally have something for your fluttering hole to suck on, but you needed more. You needed to be stuffed to the brim, completely full of him. 

“Suguru I need you inside,” you gasped, your cunt continuing to clench on his thick fingers. 

“Whatever you want, my love,” he replied, slipping his fingers out. You almost cried at the loss of contact, but you knew you were about to be rewarded tenfold. Suguru pushed his sticky fingers into your mouth as he rearranged the two of you. You licked his fingers clean, and he let out an unrestrained moan at the way you deepthroated his digits. 

Suguru sat you up, and scooted himself against the back of the sofa. He took his length out from his underwear, letting it smack his stomach, the tip weeping precum. Suguru removed his fingers from your mouth and used the remaining spit to cover his cock; a makeshift lube for the two of you. While he stroked himself, you climbed up on his lap and attacked his mouth with fiery, desperate kisses. 

He helped you remove your top, and then shed his remaining clothing articles. When he took your top off, you could tell that Suguru’s thoughts about the day had gone out the window. Suguru always had a fascination with your tits, now even more so that your tits had grown at least 2 cup sizes since pregnancy. He took one of your pert nipples into his mouth, sucking softly and grinding up into your wet heat, letting a grunt rumble through his chest.  

“Love, please,” you cried out, tears threatening to spill down your face.

With your pleading, he helped you to climb on top of him and lined his cock up with your greedy cunt. You slowly sunk down on his dick, feeling every ridge and vein inside of you. You both hissed as he breached your tight hole. 

Finally, you thought. 

Suguru resumed his sucking on your nipple, moaning around your soft mound, sending vibrations through your body. You were so overstimulated and sensitive that you felt like you were about to cum right there and then. 

He could feel that you were close by the death grip you had on his cock. So, he reached one of his large hands down from your waist and found your clit. You sunk your nails into his wide shoulders in response. 

“Give it to me,” Suguru growled on his way to give your other nipple the same treatment. 

The coil in your tummy snapped, the sensations driving you hard into your climax. Suguru moved to nibble on your earlobe, whispering what a good girl you were. 

As you came down from your high, Suguru’s hands moved down to your bump, staring in awe. 

“I told you I love this tummy,” he commented, his large hand splaying across your bellybutton. He pressed his forehead against yours. “I think it’s so beautiful, that your body submitted to mine.” 

“Mr. Geto,” you said with a fake gasp, sarcasm dripping from your voice, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re getting off on my predicament, you pervert.” 

“Touché,” he smirked. “I think it’s hot your body is going through all of these changes, just because of me. You’re mine,” he growled out the last words. 

“I’m yours,” you confirmed. 

“Suguru, I’m tired, I don’t know if I have the energy to ride you like this.” You realized he still hadn’t cum yet, he was probably in pain with the deep arousal he felt. 

“Okay, I’ll carry you to bed and we can finish there,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead and slipped out of you, your juices trailing behind in a sticky string where you were formerly connected 

He then picked you up, bridal style, and started the short walk towards your room. The cool air felt sensitive against your hot pussy and swollen clit, your arousal and cum now rolling in small beads down the back of your thighs. 

He set you on your side on top of your California king mattress, covered in fine fabric sheets. Then, he took one of the large decorative pillows and pushed it in between your knees to allow him easy access to your cunt. This position would also allow some relief to your aching lower back. Suguru knew you loved it when he massaged your back, so he started there, pushing circles into the sore muscle and kissing up your spine. 

His erection rubbed up against the back of your thighs, rendering the both of you delirious. 

When you both couldn’t take it anymore, he finally slipped into your warm, wet heat again. 

“How would you like me to fuck you, love?” Suguru questioned. 

“Slow and deep. Wanna feel all of you,” you drooled.

“Mmm, sounds perfect,” he responded, pressing wet kisses into your neck. With that, Suguru started a long, deep thrust into the depths of your pussy. You felt every part of him; every ridge, every vein. You made a sound that you didn’t even know could come out of you. 

Suguru picked up the pace a little bit, leaving little whimpers and groans in your ear as he rutted into you. Suguru was usually pretty reserved during sex, but he recently started to be more vocal for you. It spurred you on even more, made you even more aroused, which felt impossible at this point. 

“I love it when you whimper-nGHH,” you moaned, as Suguru punctuated the end of your sentence with a particularly harsh thrust. The sex started to feel desperate, animalistic almost. Suguru felt something primal within him snap. He needed to fill you, to stuff you so full, he would watch his cum leak out of your pussy. 

“Suugguuhh-“ you felt your second orgasm of the night closing in on you. 

“Cum with me, doll, lemme fill you, ngh, u-up,” he grunted, moving a hand down to toy with your clit. “You look s-so good, full of me. Ngh- your tummy all round, tits all plump, making milk for my m-my baby,”

For some reason, that sent you over the edge, clamping down on his cock and coming hard. Your cunt sucked him in with a firm grip, and you could feel that he was close too. As he continued to fuck you through your climax, his heavy balls slapped once more against your thighs, and he came with a gasp, a series of, “I love you’s” and “Thank you’s” flooding from his mouth. 

He fucked himself through his orgasm, and finally collapsed into the mattress. After a few minutes, Suguru pulled out, watching in awe as his release dripped out of your hole. His fingers traveled down to the mess the two of you made and swiped his pointer and middle fingers through your folds. 

“I probably sound like a broken record, but I don’t know what I did in my past life to deserve you,” he said, kissing the top of your head, moving both of his hands to rest on your bump again. 

“C'mon, let’s clean you up, doll,” he said, trying to drag you out of bed. But you were already fast asleep. 

Suguru smiled to himself, running to the bathroom to get some warm compresses and clean towels. When he finished cleaning you up as best he could, he made his way to his closet, where he fetched his favorite graphic t-shirt. He handled you with more care than he would a butterfly or a flower as he dressed you, and headed to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

After he deemed himself decent enough, Suguru walked over to your sleeping form and bent down to the level where your belly was. He criss crossed his hands and rested his chin on them. 

“I love you and your mommy so much, little one. You’re so loved already,” he whispered, reaching one of his hands towards your belly. 

Suddenly, he felt a small fluttering beneath his hand. Suguru smiled, his eyes alive with pride and wonder.

… 

The next morning, you awoke to the smell of something delicious. 

And four little feet running across the floor.

“Shhh, Nanako, you’re gonna wake up Kamo-san,” Mimiko warned her sister. 

“It’s okay girls, I’m already up,” you sighed, yawning. “You girls sleep good?” 

“Yeah. Can we get crepes today?” Nanako asked, changing topics rather quickly. 

“It depends on what time me and Suguru get done at the monastery, but there should be enough time. The baby has been craving some chocolate,” you chuckled.

“I have a new name for the baby,” Mimiko declared, starting to climb on your bed.

“Oh, yeah? What?” You scoop her up and bring her into your lap somewhat successfully. 

“Peach. Like the princess,” Mimiko said, matter of factly. She looked down right proud of herself. 

“Mimiko, that’s a fruit. I think it should be Sparkles,” Nanako responded back to her sister. 

“Well, we’ll have time to think about what the baby’s name should be, but for right now…I think we should eat some breakfast and see who can get dressed the fastest,” 

“Geto-san made some breakfast,” Mimiko stated. 

“And I helped,” Nanako exclaimed, attempting to have her voice heard in the conversation.

“I helped too,” Mimiko scolded with jealousy. 

“Why don’t you girls go help set the table too and I’ll be there in a minute,” you said, pressing kisses to their foreheads. 

“Fineee,” Mimiko rolled her eyes playfully. 

You freshened up, brushing your teeth and wrapping your body in a luxurious silk robe Suguru had purchased for you. 

As you made your way down the long corridor and into the kitchen, you could hear the sizzle of something cooking. You turned the corner to find Suguru, shirtless, standing over the stove of your enormous kitchen. You decide to sneak up on him, letting your finger creep around his waist as you pulled him back into a hug. You couldn’t press yourself flush against him, as your stomach got in the way. 

“There’s my girl,” Suguru cooed. 

“You’re making breakfast?” You beamed with tears in your eyes at the stack of American-style pancakes next to the stove. For some reason, this small gesture was making you really emotional. 

“Of course, baby. I let the chef take off this morning to spend some time with my beautiful girls before I have to head over,” he replied, snaking his arm back to grab on to yours and place a kiss on your palm.

It was so domestic. It was so normal. 

“Okay, order’s up. Mimi, Nana, will you help me put these on the table?” Suguru asked.

“Yes Geto-san,” Mimiko sang as she skipped towards the tower of the fluffy, golden deliciousness. 

“Thank you, sweetie,” Suguru whispered, giving her hair a ruffle. 

…

After the pancakes were eaten, and the syrup had ended up on the faces of the twins and Suguru, you pried the girls out of their seats to get dressed for the day. You and Suguru headed back to your quarters to change into your robes. 

As you let the luscious silk fabric cascade off of your body as down to the floor of your shared closet space, you felt the presence of your fiancé behind you. 

“Hi,” he smirked into your shoulder, starting to press kisses up your neck. 

“Hi,” you whispered back. 

One of his large hands reached down to your bump, caressing it with the lightest of touches. 

“Can I listen to her?” He asked like a giddy child. 

“My love, you never have to ask, you’re always welcome to,” you beam as he excitedly makes his way towards your protruding bump. “Baby’s been hanging out towards the bottom today if you want to feel them move,” you added. 

“Hi baby girl, this is your da-” 

“Baby girl? What makes you think the baby's a girl?”

“What makes you think she’s not?” he quipped, his usual banter-like tone making you giggle. 

“As a wise man once said to me; touché.” The two of you fell into a comfortable silence, soaking in each other’s presence. After all, slow moments like this would be rare when the baby arrived. 

Your peace was disrupted by a loud knock at the door. 

“Geto-sama, Kamo-san, there is someone here to see you, he says it is urgent” you heard Suguru’s assistant shout through the door. 

“Tell whoever it is that they have no right to request my presence. I will meet with them when I am in my proper attire,” Suguru snapped. 

“Of course, master. It’s just… this kid…” 

“No exceptions, I don’t care if it’s Satoru fucking Gojo himself, whoever it is can wait,” Suguru pressed, getting annoyed now. 

“Yes, of course, I wi-AHHHHHH,” a blood curdling scream erupted from the other side of the door, followed by a loud thump. 

Sensing danger, Suguru leapt into action, putting himself in front of you and summoning a curse. “Who’s. There,” he demanded. 

Blood started to leak under the door and into the marble tiles of your room. 

Suddenly, the door flew open to reveal the collapsed assistant on the floor, covered in her own blood. Next to the body, there was the figure of a small boy drenched in the scarlet substance. 

“Noritoshi?” you questioned, tears filling your eyes.

…

END OF PART I

dividers by @bunnysrph

#geto #jjk #jjk geto #jjk suguru #jujutsu kaisen fic #suguru smut #suguru geto smut #suguru x you #jjk x reader #geto suguru x reader #geto suguru x you #jjk spoilers #gojo satoru #shoko ieiri #fem reader

[goji-pilled]

Have you heard of the fic named The Witching Hour? It has a lot of similarities with your verse, and a good many differences, and if you don’t mind a setting not taking itself too seriously, I think you might enjoy it.

Jokes on you anon, I read that one like quite a while back(?)

#felix answers #took me ages to make that commitment but i did it like two months ago. i think. #and funnily enough my friend was like 'yknow it kinda has domestic witches. sorta.' #just yesterday

[paintyoureyeswithavividmind]

close to home | chapter sixty four

close to home | chapter sixty four

plot: time continues to move on for the reader

series masterlist

Pairing: Eventual Daryl Dixon x f!reader Word Count: 3,214 Warnings: violence, blood, typical twd, the passing of a beloved pet A/N: thank you for reading!! This chapter is going to feature the death of Tora. I know how much you all love her, but with all the time jumps and to continue this story, cats unfortunately do not live that long. I apologize if this is going to be trigger, and if it makes any of you feel better, I based Tora on my cat who is only 3, and I was sobbing writing this as well. So as a little pick me up, there is the beautiful and loving cat that I based Tora off of (and my bookshelf lol) at the end of this chapter

Weeks turned into months as you and Daryl worked on coming back together. By early spring, you were even more in love with and fully committed to him again. You trusted him again, which seemed to elevate Daryl in unexpected ways. He was more open with the kids and even Michonne and took a seat on the council--you declined Michonne’s offer for the hundredth time. 

By late summer, you were happier and healthier after Daryl returned to you. It was coming up on a year since you’d reunited with him, and things were almost perfect again. 

Almost.

With Tora’s age, you had her out of commission. She wasn’t allowed outside the walls, and stairs were getting too hard for her to climb. You or Daryl would have to bring her up and down. She was getting older after all these years, and you knew she wouldn’t make it to the end of the year. So you spent as much time with her as you could. She followed you around the community, cuddled with you and Daryl every night, and even with Dog. You had Siddiq look at her, of course, and you knew she was having kidney issues. But you could do nothing about it until she started showing pain.

Despite Daryl telling you it was a bad idea, you visited with Negan a few times every now and then. You meant what you said to him years ago, that you were moving past things and letting go of the anger. That meant there was room for a tiny bit of guilt for him spending the rest of his life in a cell, not that you thought he should be let out. But you went down to talk to him, and he was never an asshole to you. For whatever reason, he respected your marriage to Daryl and told you he just liked having someone to talk to. 

You knew Judith was doing the same but didn’t say anything. And Judith was Judith; she would do what she wanted anyway, just like her brother and father. 

Which was why Michonne agreed to let you and a group take her out for a hunt. She was nine now, and Michonne knew how important it was for her to know the ins and outs of the area around the community. She trusted you with Judith’s life. 

So you had Rosita, Eugene, Laura, and Aaron come out with you, as they did most of the out-of-community work anyway. Daryl was needed to help build up one of the new farming stands, so you couldn’t have him come. 

You were meant to meet them in a few minutes at the gate and could hear Judith bumping around in her room while getting ready. The two of you never seemed to get anywhere on time these days. 

“You gotta be kidding me,” You mumbled as you adjusted your belt. It was too tight around your waist. But it was notched where it always was, and then you realized it wasn’t the belt that was too tight. 

“No,” You shook your head as you walked to the mirror that hung from behind the door. You lifted your shirt and turned to the side.

“No, no.” You mumbled as you set your hands around your stomach. It was definitely sticking out more than it should’ve.

You let the shirt drop, which made you look almost normal, and then you picked the shirt up again as you thought about when you got your last period--but of course, it was never regular after the end of the world to begin with. 

“(Y/N), I’m ready to go…” Judith swung the door open but paused when she saw you. “Are you pregnant?” She yelled. 

You immediately pulled her into your room and shut the door behind her. “Do you always have to be so loud,” You said, which made her giggle. 

“Let me see.” She reached for your shirt, which you let her, and she pulled it up. “I remember how big mom’s tummy got.”

“I’m not pregnant,” You said, but you weren't so sure when you looked in the mirror. The symptoms you had for your first were surprisingly few; if it was the same, it wasn’t a wonder how you didn’t realize sooner. 

“I bet Daryl will be happy.”

“Go get your sword before I toss you out the window, missy.” 

***

“Judith!” You screamed, flicking blood off your machete. Your heart was beating faster than you ever could’ve imagined as you looked around the woods for your niece. You felt tears burn in your panic, and you looked at Rosita, who looked as desperate and scared as you. 

You followed Rosita through the woods, screaming out for Judith. You ran towards the sound when you finally heard her yelling that she was close. 

“I heard them calling, they needed our help.” Judith said. 

You looked behind her and immediately drew an arrow. Five strangers were following behind her, all out of breath and in bad shape. Dog was barking like crazy in warning, and you whistled to recall him. He sat next to you. 

Rosita and Aaron discussed with Judith as to why you couldn’t bring them back, and you watched her threaten that she wouldn’t come back. 

“We bring them.” You said. “I will talk to Michonne. I want us in group formation. There are walkers behind every damn tree.” You said. 

Eugene and Laura took the lead, while Rosita and Aaron took the back. You and Judith walked side by side with the strangers. You noticed the two quiet ones were talking in sign language, and you could pick up a few things they were discussing. 

“Hey,” You took a couple quick steps and looked at the one who heard you. You set your machete away and did your best to sign as you spoke. “I’m (Y/N). It’s been a while since I’ve signed. I wanted to reassure you that you’ll be safe. We’ll help your friend. I can’t promise anything after that.”

“I’m Kelly,” The younger one said as she signed. “This is my sister Connie.” You looked at Connie while she signed. “She said-.”

“I got the gist,” You said, then you did your best to sign again and had to spell out a few words you didn’t remember. I went to school for speech pathology before switching to medicine. It’s been a long time, though.

It’s nice to meet someone I can talk to you, Kelly always has to translate for me, Connie signed to you. You were able to understand most of it and you nodded at her, which made her smile. 

***

Daryl was the first one you saw when you walked through the gates, and you smiled, jogging up to him. Your bow clanged against his crossbow as you hugged, and he kissed you briefly before looking past you. “What’s all this?”

“Don’t ask,” You muttered. “One word. Judith.”

“Ain’ a surprise.”

You turned back to the strangers as they marveled at the community, and you saw in their faces how relieved they were. They had to have been out there for a long time. You couldn’t imagine it. After all this time, you didn’t know what you would do without the communities. 

There was a slight argument amongst the residents before Michonne showed up, and after looking them over, she had them put away into holding for the night so the council could vote in the morning. 

Daryl had more work to do, so he bid goodbye, and you walked home with Judith. 

“So when are you gonna tell him?”

“Judith.”

“What? I’m just asking. Would that mean I’m an aunt if you have a baby?”

You smiled, looked down at your niece, and then wrapped an arm around her. “No, sweetheart. It would make you cousins. You’ll be an aunt when RJ has a baby in many, many years from now.”

“But I could help you take care of it.”

“Judith.” 

“Maybe you can ask mom to help you since you don’t have any kids,” Judith asked as she looked up at you. 

You frowned slightly and tipped her hat forward to cover her eyes. “I did have a kid. I had a son. But he died in my belly.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Judith said. “Was it before?”

You nodded as you stopped by the stairs to your house. “It was.”

Judith gave you a big hug. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a great mom. You’re my best friend.” 

***

You were standing in your room a few hours later naked, having just showered. Your long hair was dripping as you turned to look at yourself in the mirror. Your stomach wasn’t extended the way it would’ve been if you’d put on a bit of weight--which you’d gotten back to your regular weight after being shot--but it was just your lower belly. And it took you back to years ago with Liam, and you were this size at around five months. If you were pregnant, you’d be showing earlier. 

You pressed your hand against the swell and sighed loudly. Pregnant. After all this time, you couldn’t be, could you? Not after all these years. 

The sound of meowing caught your attention, and you quickly got dressed before walking over to the window. Tora was at the front steps, and you didn’t like the sound of her howling. Your fingers trembled as you looked at her for another second. She was pushing thirteen, which was on her breed's older side of the lifespan. 

You quickly rushed down the stairs and outside. 

“Tora, sweetie,” You said as you scooped her up in her arms. She’d been losing weight a lot in the past month. You knew her time was coming. 

She meowed quietly as she got comfortable in your arms. Living on your farm, you’d grown up around house cats and barn cats, and they all acted the same way when it was time. When they needed to say goodbye. So when you saw Tora looking up at you with those sweet, innocent eyes, you knew it was. 

Tears burned your eyes as you thought about your old treehouse and living there with her alone. How she kept you alive because you were too stubborn to let her die. And even before that, when Liam gave you to her on Christmas morning, she immediately crawled into your lap and started purring. Thirteen years was long for a cat in this world, and she spent most of it malnourished, even though you did your best. 

“(Y/N)? What’s going on?” 

You looked up at Judith with tears on your cheeks. “Can you run and get Siddiq for me, sweetie?”

Ten minutes later, Siddiq held Tora in his arms as you watched him press around her belly. When she showed discomfort and tried to scratch him, he gave her back to you. 

“I’m sorry. It’s probably the kidneys. I can use the machine on her tomorrow to take a look.”

You nodded, but you knew it wouldn’t come to that. She wasn’t going to make it through the night. 

“Do you know where Daryl is?”

“He was with Aaron. I think they were workin’ late on the farming stand.”

Siddiq said goodnight and squeezed your arm before he left, and then Judith wrapped her hand around your bicep. “Can I come with you?”

“I’m gonna bring her back here, Jude. I promise. Can you get some pillows and blankets on the couch? You know how she likes it.”

Judith nodded and ran back into the house. You sniffled a few times and started walking towards the center of the community. 

You were already crying when you saw Daryl with Aaron, working with flashlights to get the stand finished. You tried to call out his name but had to take a deep breath. Tora stirred in your arms and you shushed her, kissing the top of her head. 

“Daryl?” He turned around the moment he heard the tone of your voice, and you saw his face drop when he saw you. “Tora…she…” You broke out into tears. 

He tossed his tools aside, told Aaron he’d see him tomorrow, and then came to you. “Come on, darlin’, let’s get her home.” 

You nodded as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and led you home.

Judith set up the couch like you asked her, and you gently set Tora on the blankets before sitting on the floor. You gently ran your hand along her body and fluffy tail, and she looked at you with those big eyes. 

Daryl sat down next to you while Judith sat on the couch. You pressed your forehead on the cushion near her paws and tried not to start scream-crying in front of Judith. You wanted to do that and throw things around and punch holes through walls. But you didn’t do any of that. 

“Why don’ ya go get ya mom, Judith? She’ll wanna be here.” 

Michonne joined you with a sorrowful look on her face. She loved Tora, although she didn’t show it. But you remembered perfectly her sneaking little bits of food to her when she thought no one was looking. 

After a little while, you let Tora sleep and leaned against the loveseat. Daryl sat beside you, and Michonne took the chair with Judith on her lap. You told them all silly stories about Tora before they knew her when she was just a kitten, and you told Judith how much her brother loved the cat and how you’d always find him stealing her every chance she got--which was something they had in common. Over the past six years, Tora often slept at the foot of Judith’s bed. 

It drew further into the night, and everyone was half asleep when Tora stirred on the couch. The bell from her collar rang as she jumped down and limped her way toward you. She curled herself up on your lap, and you gently pet her. Daryl took your other hand, and Judith and Michonne came to sit on the floor with you. 

“You’re okay,” You said through your tears. “You can sleep now. Say hi to Carl for me, okay, when you get there?”

Around two in the morning, Tora took her last breath in your arms. You sobbed, holding her body to your chest. Daryl held you while Michonne held a hysterical Judith. 

Your heart ached when Daryl tried to take her body from you, and you finally gave in. “Make sure she’s comfortable,” You sobbed. “Wrap her in her favorite blanket. Please be careful.”

“I got her, I got her,” He reassured you.

Judith came over to you and sat on your lap to hug you, and you held her tight as you both cried. 

“I wanna bury her next to Carl,” You said through tears. “I think they’d both really like that.” 

Michonne wiped away her tears, and she stood up. “Of course, we can plant some flowers. Anything you want. I’m gonna take Judith up to bed. You can sleep in my room if you want, honey.”

Judith nodded through tears as she stood up. “I wanna help bury her.”

You slowly stood up and ran your hand on the back of her head. “We’ll do it tomorrow morning before the meeting. Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll wake you up for it.”

Your niece gave you one more big hug before Michonne led her to the stairs, and you could hear her crying on the floor above you. You sat down on the chair and hung your head in your hands. 

Footsteps caught your attention, and you looked at Daryl, who you knew was crying. He must’ve taken a few extra minutes to avoid crying in front of Judith. 

“Wrapped her up gentle, I promise,” Daryl told you and helped you up so he could hug you. “In her favorite blanket. We’ll bury her tomorrow.”

“We have to give her a funeral.” You cried into his chest. “A good one. She was my life.”

He rubbed the back of your head and kissed your forehead. “We’ll give her the best damn funeral Alexandria has ever seen, okay? Come on, let’s get to bed. Ya gotta try and sleep, darlin’.”

You didn’t want to; of course, you didn’t. But you knew you needed to, and sleep would make you forget. So you let him bring you upstairs, help you into pajamas, and then hold you while you cried yourself to sleep. 

***

The following day, Tora’s absence had you hysterically crying. It woke Daryl up, and he held you, rubbing your back and trying to help you calm down. Then your door opened, and Judith ran in. 

“I thought you left without me, and I missed it,” She started sobbing and jumped on the bed, pushing her way so she was lying between you guys.

“No, sweetie,” You cried and kissed her forehead. She cuddled up against you to cry. 

***

Aaron must’ve spread the word about Tora’s passing because your family was there as you carried her wrapped-up body to the small cemetery. Michonne must’ve woken up early to dig the grave because it was already ready and waiting next to Carl’s. 

You knelt on the ground and gently laid her body to rest. You wiped away your tears and stood up. Daryl wrapped an arm around you and nodded at Aaron, who grabbed the shovel. 

“I would like to say a few words,” Judith said as she grabbed your hand. “If everyone would please pay attention…” When everyone was, she spoke again. “I knew Tora my whole life. I heard stories about her sleeping in my crib with me. And she was the best cat I ever had. And I love her so much.”

You smiled through your tears at your niece, squeezing her hand. 

“One time when we were on the road,” Rosita said, “Before we found this place, she came up to me and sat next to me. It was weird for me because I’m a dog person. But she just sat right there. It was like she knew I needed to not be alone.” 

“I enjoyed watching her chase birds,” Eugene bowed his head. 

Your eyes filled with tears as Michonne stepped up. “She used to try and steal RJ’s food,” She laughed. “I always let her have some.”

“Thank you guys,” You said. “Thank you for helping keep her safe. She was special. And even though this is heartbreaking, I’m happy I was able to keep her safe. And she passed peacefully in my arms. Safe, and warm, and so, very loved.” 

You looked up at Daryl, the only one who hadn’t said anything. 

“I, uh.. I first met the cat when I first met (Y/N), when we almost killed each other. I remember thinkin’ she must be crazy for havin’ a cat. But Tora was good. And ‘m gonna miss her every day.” 

#daryl x y/n #daryl dixion x reader #the walking dead daryl #daryl fanfiction #daryl dixon x reader #daryl x reader #daryl dixon #daryl twd #twd #daryl x you

[waitimcomingtoo]

hoax ~ p.p

chapter eight: the story of us

series masterlist

“Who the hell is that?”

Everyone turned their heads to see who Peter was staring at. Like always, it was you. But this time, it was you and a tall blonde boy that was making you throw your head back laughing.

“That’s Sebastian.” Kate replied.

“Sebastian? Psht. What? I’ve literally never heard of that name. What is he, a crab? Psht.” Peter scoffed and continued to stare daggers at Harry, who was leaning against your locker to be closer to you.

“Don’t “psht” him.” Gwen laughed. “He’s a nice guy.”

“Says who?” Peter scoffed again.

“Says Y/n. Because she’s totally in love with him.” Kate said in a sing-songy voice.

“Huh?” Peter asked as his eyes went wide.

“They’re a thing.” Gwen shrugged. “You didn’t know that?”

“Huh?” Peter asked again, louder this time.

“Can you stop doing that?” MJ asked him.

“What do you mean they’re a thing?” He asked the girls.

“They’re talking.” Kate shrugged.

“About what?” Peter wondered and looked over his shoulder at you again.

“No, dingus. They’re talking. As in in a talking stage.” Kate explained. Peter looked at you again before leaning in closer to the girls.

“But what are they talking about?” He whispered.

“Oh my God.” Gwen groaned. “They’re in the stage before dating. It’s commonly known as the talking stage. Haven’t you ever been in a situationship before?”

“Are these real words?” Peter asked genuinely and looked to MJ for help.

“I don’t even know what to say at this point.” MJ held up her hands in defense.

“A situationship means they have feelings for each other but aren’t in a committed relationship. At least, not yet anyway.” Kate explained.

“Exactly. They text and go on dates. That’s a situationship. And as we’ve said, the stage before dating.” Gwen continued.

“There’s a stage before dating?” Peter asked. “Isn’t that just friendship?”

“How have you never heard these words? What do boys learn in school?” Kate asked.

“Where did she even find that guy? Under the sea? He’s way too old to be blonde. Men should not be blonde past age 10. He seriously needs to grow up.” Peter scoffed as his jealousy got the better of him. He turned around to look at you again and you were doing your fake laugh as Sebastian told you a story in an obnoxiously loud voice.

“They met in her sociology class.” Kate replied. “He asked for her snap and then walked her to her next class. Isn’t that so cute?”

“So she likes that guy? And goes on dates with him?” Peter asked without taking his eyes off you. All he could think of was how some other guy was filling his space beside you on walks and taking you on dates that Peter never took you on.

“That’s what being in a situationship means, yes.” Gwen answered.

“But she just broke up with me- uh, Spiderman two months ago. She’s already moved on?” Peter asked sadly and looked back at the girls.

“Duh. Spiderman was so last semester.” Kate chuckled.

“And she’s happy with that guy?” Peter asked in a quiet voice.

“She’s over the moon.” Gwen insisted. “He’s all she talks about.”

Peters face crumbled when he heard this and he turned to look at you again. You were telling Sebastian something while he texted on his phone. You looked up when you felt eyes on you and made eye contact with Peter. He quickly looked away and felt tears come to his eyes. He blinked them back and pretended to fiddle with his shirt buttons. MJ noticed how upset he looked and as the only one present who knew why this upset him, she felt obligated to cheer him up.

“I think she’s just trying to cleanse her pallet of Spiderman. She doesn’t really like this guy. She just wants to start the process of moving on.” MJ said as she looked at Peter. Peter relaxed when he heard this and wiped his face.

“You’re sure?” He asked her.

“Trust me. She’s never getting over Spiderman. In fact-“

“Hey guys.” You said as you approached the group, accidentally cutting off MJ. She was about to tell Peter that you were very much still in love with him, but now he’d never know.

“Hey girl.” Kate smiled and wrapped an arm around you. You smiled at her and then looked at Peter, who looked like he had just seen a ghost.

“Hi Peter.” You smiled at him, making him look at you in surprise.

“Me hi?” He asked and pointed to himself.

“Yeah. Hey you.” You nudged him playfully, making him blush.

“Hi. You look really nice today.” He told you, reminding you both of old times.

“Thanks.” You smiled sadly and fixed your shirt.

“You do look nice.” Kate noticed. “All dolled up for your man?”

“Yeah, like I’d dress for a man.” You snorted. “In fact, lately I’ve been dressing for revenge.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” MJ chuckled. You laughed as well and then noticed the pained look on Peters face.

“He’s not actually my man.” You told him, though you weren’t really sure why you said it.

“I know. They were just filling me in on your situationship.” He said with a tight smile. Your smile dropped and you gave your friends a look.

“Guys. You told Peter?” You whispered in annoyance.

“Why would Peter care? Just because he had that crush on you two months ago?” Kate asked. You and Peter exchanged a look and quickly looked away from each other.

“Yeah. I don’t mind hearing about it. We’re friends now and friends talk about these things.” Peter shrugged but you both knew he was lying. The bell then rang and Kate and Gwen groaned.

“I gotta go.” Kate said and squeezed your arm before walking away.

“Same. See you later.” Gwen waved and headed towards her next class. MJ gave you a knowing look before leaving as well. She didn’t have a class now, but she wanted you to talk to Peter alone. Once it was just the two of you, you stepped in front of Peter so you could face each other.

“Look, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

“It’s okay. We broke up. You can date whoever you want.” He said with a tight smile.

“I’m not really dating him. I’m not even sure I like him. He takes five hours to text back and we’ve only hung out twice. I kinda played it up to my friends so they don’t think I’m pathetic for still being totally in love with….” You trailed off when you realized how much information you were spilling. Peters eyebrows went up and all the hope in the world filled his eyes.

“Sorry. This whole conversation was way too much exposition.” You laughed awkwardly.

“A little bit, yeah.” He laughed as well and desperately hoped you’d finish that sentence.

“All I wanted to say is, I’m not moving on. It’s important to me that you know that.”

“Why?” Peter wondered. “Why do you want me to know that?”

“Because I don’t want you to move on, okay?” You admitted without looking at him.

“You don’t?” Peter asked as a smile broke through on his lips. You were about to say more when the second bell rang, meaning you were already late.

“I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later?” You asked genuinely. Peter nodded and felt his heart piece itself back together. He went to his next class with a huge smile on his face and for the first time in months, allowed himself to be hopeful about getting back together.

A few days later, you were on your third date with Sebastian. He invited you to watch his lacrosse game and met up with him afterwards. As he approached you, his entire team followed him and clapped him on the shoulders while hyping him up. He pulled you into a hug that you didn’t want because he was sweaty and people were watching.

“Oh, hi.” You laughed awkwardly and stepped out of the hug.

“So you liked watching me play?” He asked you like he already knew the answer was yes.

“Yeah! Yeah, it was so….fun.” You kept your smile as you struggled to think of an acceptable adjective. You didn’t actually enjoy watching a bunch of sweaty guys jump on top of each other, but you wanted to be polite.

“Cool, cool. So while my boys are all with me, I wanted to ask you something.” Sebastian said while running his fingers through his hair. His hair wasn’t actually in his eyes, but he liked to do that when he wanted it look cool. His teammates started barking and clapping him on the back again, which made you step back uncomfortably.

“What did you want to ask me?”

“I want to make this official.” He said and rubbed his hands together. His teammates started barking again and shouting some crude remarks while you smiled nervously.

“Make what official?”

“Us, dummy. You and me. Aha.” He laughed and gestured between the two of you. Every single one of his teammates was staring at you and expecting you to say yes. You gulped and forced a laugh to ease the tension.

“Are you saying you want to be my boyfriend?”

“Yeah. I do. Lucky you.” He said with a suave smile. You folded your lips in and looked to the side to see if anyone was hearing this.

“But, uh, don’t you think it’s a little soon?” You laughed nervously.

“No. I think it’s the exact right time. Right, boys?” Sebastian turned to ask his team and they all hyped him up.

“But you barely even know me.” You pointed out. “We’ve only been on two dates. And one of them was a movie so we didn’t really talk.”

“I know you. And that’s why I want to give you this.” He said and stepped forward. He cupped your face and pulled you into the most lifeless, stiff kiss of your life. You kept your eyes open and didn’t move a muscle until he pulled away.

“It was horrible, MJ. Horrible. It felt like kissing a concrete wall. Only colder and a lot less fun. No passion whatsoever. I gotta get out of this.” You told MJ once you were back in your room that night. You were both sitting on your bed and you were hugging a pillow for comfort after being traumatized by the worst kiss of your life.

“Is he at least nice?” MJ asked you.

“I don’t know. I guess so. He doesn’t excite me though. Not the way…” You trailed off and looked to the side.

“Peter did?” She finished your sentence.

“It’s just, I would get all these butterflies when Peter texted me. I was checking my phone all day to see if he sent anything. I’d hear love songs on the radio and think of him and I. He made me laugh, he asked me questions, and took his time getting to know me. But with Sebastian, I feel like we’re just in an endless cycle of “hey, what’s up?” , “not much, you?”, “Yeah not much”. And then five hours later, we’re having that same conversation all over again. I don’t know if he has siblings. I don’t know what he likes to do for fun. I his favorite songs. I couldn’t even tell you what color his eyes are even though I’ve see him three days a week in class. Because you know what? I don’t care. He’s not Peter.”

“And you want Peter.” MJ said as more of a statement than a question.

“I do.” You admitted. “Ugh. Am I totally lame and pathetic for wanting someone who lied to me?”

“No. You are totally lame for those socks though.” MJ said and looked down at the Spiderman socks you had on.

“I bought them from a guy on the street.” You mumbled as you moved to sit on your feet.

“I could tell.” MJ mumbled back.

“It’s been two months. I’m done torturing Peter.” You decided. “I’m gonna end things with Sebastian and tell Peter I still love him.”

“Tonight? Please say yes. My wifi is buffering and I’m so bored.” MJ whined and shook your arm.

“Tomorrow.” You told him. “I don’t want to ruin Sebastians night.”

“Fine.” MJ huffed. “But you better tell him tomorrow. He almost died when Gwen and Kate told him about Sebastian. I thought he was gonna throw up.”

“I’ll tell him, okay?” You promised her.

“Good.” She nodded in satisfaction. “Get your boyfriend back.”

“You know what?” You smiled. “I will.”

The next day, you didn’t have any classes with Peter so you had to wait until lunch to see him. You unblocked his number and texted him that you had to talk to him about something but that it had to be in person. Peter was ecstatic to see that text and couldn’t wait until lunchtime when he got to see you. You were already sitting at the lunch table when he got there, making his heart pound. He quickly fixed his hair and shirt before approaching the table.

“Hey, Y/n.” He smiled at you as he sat across from you.

“Hey, Peter. Do you think we could-“

“Hey, little lady.” Sebastian cut you off as he slung his arm around you. Your smile fell almost as quickly as Peters did with Sebastian’s unexpected presence.

“Sebastian. What are you doing here?” You laughed nervously and took his arm off of you. Peter gulped and balled his hand into a fist as he tried to stay calm at the sight of some other guy with his arm around you.

“What? I can’t sit with my girlfriend and her friends at lunch?” Sebastian asked you as he put his arm back around you. Everyone froze and exchanged a look before looking at you and Sebastian.

“His what?” Kate asked and raised an eyebrow.

“His what?” Peter asked as his face crumbled.

“Uhhhh…” You forced another laugh and took his arm off of you. You had never actually agreed to being Sebastian’s girlfriend after the kiss incident. You had just excused yourself and ran back to your dorm as fast as you could.

“Y/n didn’t tell you? We’re official. I’m not like other guys. Labels don’t scare me. I’m crazy about this woman and I don’t care who knows it.” Sebastian said with a smug smile. You turned your face and gagged a little at every single word choice he made while Kate and Gwen tried not to laugh.

“Do you even know her last name?” MJ asked him. You felt grateful she had come to the rescue because you yourself had no idea what to say.

“Doesn’t matter. Because one day, it’ll be the same as mine.” Sebastian smirked before leaning in to kiss you. You quickly turned your face so the kiss landed on your cheek instead. You made eye contact with Peter when you turned your face and he looked like he was near tears.

“Wow.” MJ mouthed and looked at the girls to signal that they needed to help you.

“Sebastian, I’ve never seen where the lacrosse players practice. Would you mind showing me?” Kate asked when she picked up on MJs hint.

“You know what? Neither have I. I would love to see it.” Gwen agreed and stood up.

“Oh, sure. I could take you.” Sebastian agreed. “Let’s go, Y/n.”

“Actually, I’m gonna stay here with Peter.” You told him.

“No, you should go with him.” Peter said and stood up as well.

“I don’t want to go with him. I wanted to talk to you.” You kept your eyes solely on Peter as you got up from the table.

“It’s okay. You should go with your boyfriend.” Peter said as his eyes brimmed with tears. You stared him in the eyes for a long time before he wiped his face and ran out of the lunchroom. You let out a sigh as you watched him disappear but decided that you were done playing games. You turned to Sebastian to tell him the truth.

“Sebastian, I didn’t like how you asked me to be your girlfriend in front of all your teammates. It made me feel like I had no choice but to say yes. And honestly, I didn’t want to say yes. I don’t know you well enough. And right now, I don’t see a future between us. I’m sorry for wasting your time.” You said simply before running out of the lunchroom after Peter.

“I don’t really give a fuck where the lacrosse team practices.” MJ admitted as she sat back down at the table. The other girls were silent for a minute before nodding in agreement and sitting down as well.

“Peter, wait.” You called after him as you chased him down the hallway. Peter kept walking but you eventually caught up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders. He was crying and looking down while wiping his runny nose on his sleeve.

“Peter, please talk to me. I need to explain.” You said as you pulled your sleeve over your hand to wipe his tears.

“You said you weren’t moving on. You said you didn’t want me to move on. When you asked me to talk today, I thought…” Peter trailed off when he felt too embarrassed to admit he thought you wanted to get back together.

“You thought what?”

“I thought you were ready to forgive me. And not just as pretend for our friends. You’ve been so nice to me lately and I felt like we were getting back to the way we used to be. But I’m such an idiot. I actually thought there was gonna be another chance for us.” He laughed sadly at Hoe dumb he felt for thinking that.

“Peter-“

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I blew it with you and I know that. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to let myself think you wanted to get back together. You obviously don’t and moved on and I don’t have any right to be upset about that since it’s my fault for fucking things up between us. I should’ve just told you who I was right away. We could’ve been happy and in love if I had. I’m sorry I ruined everything between us. I’m sorry I lied to you. And I’m sorry for being a baby about it now. I know I shouldn’t be upset. I just can’t believe you have a boyfriend and it isn’t me.” Peter said and broke into tears again. He tried to walk away but you pulled him into a hug and let him cry for minute.

“Peter?” You said and pulled away a little.

“What?” He sniffled.

“I don’t have a boyfriend. I never did. He asked me to be his girlfriend last night and I never gave him an answer. But it doesn’t matter now because I just ended things with him. I never moved on. And I was never gonna date that guy. I had no idea he was gonna sit with us at lunch and do that whole thing. I really wanted to talk to you, not rub some guy in your face. I never meant for that to happen. I would never purposefully try to make you upset. Please, believe me.”

“I believe you.” Peter nodded as he stared into your eyes. You stared back into his and smiled a little at how easily he accepted that you were telling the truth. He knew you, more than anyone else could say.

“Can we talk? About everything?” You laughed at how fucked up it all was now.

“I would like that.” Peter smiled softly.

“Maybe tonight? We could go for a walk like old times.” You offered as you took a pack of tissues out of your bag. Peters smile grew as he took the tissues.

“That would mean a lot to me. I can pick you up outside your dorm at 6.”

“Perfect. I’ll see you then.” You squeezed his arm and walked away.

That night, Peter was outside your dorm but 5:45. He had showered, dosed himself in aftershave, and put on his least wrinkled shirt. He checked the time every minute or so in anticipation of your arrival. His nervous hands fiddled with his shirt, his hair, his watch, and anything else he could play with as he waited for you. 6:02 came and there was no sight of you. Peter grew hopeful every time someone came out of your dorm but it was never you.

6:11 came and went and you still hadn’t shown up. Peter sent you a few texts to make sure everything was all right but hadn’t gotten a response.

By 6:34, he assumed you had forgotten about your agreement to meet up but also wondered if he had gotten the day wrong. Maybe you hadn’t actually said tonight and said “tomorrow” instead.

At 7:06, Peter called it a night. He stood up from the stair he was sitting on and walked back to his apartment in tears. He didn’t care about the people staring at him because he was too heartbroken over you standing him up. He cursed himself for not realizing it was too good to be true. He wished he never let himself believe that he could get a second chance with you and just accepted that things were over for good. If he had, he would’ve saved himself grieving this relationship a second time.

Peter plopped his bag down at the library table the next day and immediately put his head down. He was anxious to see you and hear what you had to say about why you stood him up. Ned came to the table first, followed by Kate, MJ and Gwen.

“Hey, dude. How did things go with Y/n last night?” Ned asked and excitedly shook Peters arm. Peter sat up a little and rested his chin on his hand.

“I don’t know. She never showed up.” He said quietly. MJ immediately perked up when she heard this and looked at Peter.

“Oh, I’m sorry man.” Ned frowned. “That really sucks. I thought things were starting to change between you.”

“So did I. But I guess not.” Peter sighed and put his head back down.

“She never showed up?” MJ asked and lifted Peters head up by grabbing his hair.

“Ow.” He said and pulled away. “No, she didn’t. Did she tell you why she changed her mind?”

“She didn’t change her mind. She went downstairs to wait for you at like 5:30 because she was so exited. It was all she talked about all day. She even put on the perfume she was wearing the day you guys “met”. What do you mean she never showed up?” MJ whispered to him. Peters eyes went wide and he looked at Ned to see if he was hearing this too.

“I waited outside the dorm for an hour. She was never there.” Peter told her.

“Well what time did you arrive?” MJ asked.

“5:45. We agreed to meet at 6.” Peter told her. MJ’s face twisted in panic, making Peters do the same.

“MJ, what are you not saying?” Ned asked. Peter got a sick feeling in his stomach as he turned to MJ for answers.

“Y/n never come home last night. I assumed it was because she was fornicating with you.” MJ said, making Peters stomach drop.

“Gross. Fornicating?” Ned grimaced.

“She never came home?” Peter asked slowly. The energy at the table was filled with collective dread as everyone tried to think of the last time they spoke to you.

“If she wasn’t with you and she wasn’t with me, where the hell is she?” MJ asked angrily. Peter shrugged helplessly as Ned turned to Kate and Gwen.

“Is everything okay, guys?” Kate asked when she noticed the three of them looking like they had just seen a ghost.

“Have you guys seen Y/n today?” Ned asked them.

“No. She wasn’t in our first class together. I was just gonna ask you if she was sick?” Kate asked MJ.

“She’s not sick. She left our room last night and was supposed to meet Peter outside but he says she never showed up.“

“And she never came home?” Kate asked while Gwen covered her mouth in fear. MJ shook her head, making everyone fall silent. No one knew what to do next until Gwen spoke.

“Call her. Everyone call and text her.” Gwen said to break the silence. Everyone whipped their phones out to text and call you but no one was able to reach you.

“No answer.” Gwen sighed after the fifth missed call.

“Me either.” Kate shook her head. “My texts aren’t being delivered.”

Everyone was quiet as the gravity of the situation became more apparent. Peter felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, something that only happened to him when danger was near.

“Guys.” Peter began. “I think something really bad happened to her. And I think it’s because of me.”

🖤🕸️🖤

Tag list 🏷️

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[readerhead]

Hits different

summary: it has never been so difficult getting over a guy

pairing: Matt x reader

warnings: some angst? idk, maybe if you have abandonment issues can be a little triggering (let me know if you think I should add any)

word count: 1.2k

a/n: okay, I'm really excited because it's my birthday! I wanted to gave you a gift because of that (I don't care that they should the other way around, I'm a giver <3). Now that I'm of legal age in Thailand, I want to communicate you: ANOTHER ONE BASED ON A TAYLOR SONG. Sorry, it's just midnights always makes me think of Matt. It's my first time writing "angst" so I hope you have an enjoyable time reading this :)

----------------------------------

The reflection on the dirty mirror of Josie's was judging you. You were a complete mess, from your hair to your makeup. The long hours taming your hair, quickly went to the trash. All frizzy and disheveled now. The burgundy lipstick, blurred. The mascara, smudged and dry under your eyes. Your dry throat made you gulp and the acid on your taste buds reminded you of how you were throwing up in a stranger's shoes moments ago. A stranger you briefly made out with. Not that you really wanted, but your friends told you you needed this. Finally, you finished washing your hands of your vomit and decided it was time to call it a night. Why was everything feeling so wrong?

Someone called a cab for you. Was it one of your friends? Josie? Perhaps the stranger? Once inside you started weeping, trying to not make any sound. The driver gave you a sad look from the rearview, as if your emotions were contagious.

You remember clearly why your stomach had that reaction. While kissing that guy, you started wondering if he was also kissing others. Did he like another? Was that the reason he disappeared? Was he in love with another? Did he even think of you? The image of him kissing a random woman, being there for her, loving her was what made your insides turn around, leaving a disgusting gift near the bar's door.

“If he’s the one, you’ll know” your friend started comforting you when you started shedding tears at the song that played on the radio on your first date which was blasting through the speakers.

“But he treated me so well. I love him. I’m so in love with Matt that it hurts.” you didn’t remember how you started talking about him, but you also didn’t remember talking about anything else.

“What hurts?”

“My heart. It’s like a little rodent is gnawing it bit by bit, after being sanded down with sandpaper and then burning every piece in the sun. And the worst is that I can't do anything to stop it.”

“Come on, girl. Love’s just a lie. A trick from companies, lawyers and the government to take your money.” another friend tried to cheer you up.

“You’re literally gonna get married in two months.” she shut up knowing you were right. “I wanted him to move in, even gave him a key, and he ran away.” you took another sip from your drink. “He was so perfect. Like out-of-a-Jane-Austen’s-book perfect.”

“He wouldn't be so perfect if he let you go.” you were quiet, thinking. “You know what you should do?” You look at her hopefully. “You should flirt with other guys, maybe kiss a few and if one of them’s lucky enough bring him home. That always made you get over any guy before.”

“Exactly. You used to switch from boy to boy like they were toys. Always saying you needed space or ghosting them. That the freedom felt like a beach breeze.” you were so disgusted. Matt wasn’t a fleeting random guy, he was the man that made you want to settle down. “Always shunning commitment.”

A couple weeks had passed. You woke up from dreaming of him. This time you blamed it on the movie you watched last night. ‘This ending is more realistic, otherwise he had left her’ this was what you said to the screen with your mouth full of popcorn when the love interest died. You found one of his blue shirts in your closet. Damn, you loved how those fit him. You took it and when the scent of him started invading your nose, your eyes started watering like a reflex, without your permission. That morning, every time you closed your eyes you remembered something about him.

“Do you think I can do it?” with his head in your thighs, you were massaging his hair while insecurities about your work were eating you alive. The feeling of his locks and his relaxed face were the only thing easing up your stress.

“Of course you can. You are the most capable person I’ve ever known.”

“But do you believe in me?”

“The faith I have in you could make the big guy up there jealous.” the outside of his eyes wrinkled. The reason? Easy, the sweetest smile you have contemplated in your life. All your self doubting was gone at those words accompanied by that view.

That’s the memory that popped up to your head when you passed the couch in your living room. The next one happened when you were waiting for the coffee to finish.

“That can’t be true! It’s not fair.” the wooden spoon pointing at Matt.

“Yet it is.”

“Bullshit.” he laughed.

“I doubt Columbia taught me wrong.”

“Maybe your professor lied to you.”

“And he took all the time to learn braille so he could change what was written in my books?”

“Maybe. There are a lot of creepy crazy people out there.”

“Could you just stop arguing and give me a kiss?” he said, grabbing the wrist that was still threatening him, getting you the closer he could.

“Only if you agree with me.”

“I agree that it ain’t fair.”

“It works for me.” you gripped his shirt, sealing the conversation with a kiss.

Before him you would have argued that injustice was inherent to human kind, however he made you believe in the good, in people, in this world.

You looked at your phone, killing time scrolling to social media. You saw a post of your friends, they went to a bar last night and you didn’t blame them for not inviting you after the little show you put up on the last night you went out.

Taking your mug you sat in the stool nearest to your fridge, the one that gave you a better view of your hall. Perhaps he would show up. At least that's what you told yourself every morning when you had breakfast sitting there, boring your eyes in the door as if it was going to make him materialize.

People usually talk about opportunities as trains and you were more than willing to take it, but you were waiting in a disused station waiting for one that never came again. You were exhausted from all these metaphors in your life, reminding you how you lost him. You had enough with literal events. It wasn't easy seeing him in the news a couple days before when his firm won a big case against some big fish called Fisk.

You were so immersed in your thoughts that you almost didn't hear it. What was that sound by your door? You didn't want to get hopeful, it could be just your neighbor. Was that a dingling in your lock? The only one with your house keys was… It couldn't be him, could it? Were you still dreaming? The expectation had you holding your breath and, when the door finally opened, you didn’t know how to feel.

“I know you probably just want to kick me out,” did you? You had daydreamed hours and days about this, how would it be like the next time you see each other, if he would be the one reaching out for you, if he would really want you back. “you have every right to do it, but at least I think you deserve an explanation. Then, if you want me to leave, I’ll understand.”

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a/n: am I a bad person for leaving an open ending?Maybe? Anyways, the song is 'Hits different' by the genius Taylor Swift. I know it's in the title but I put it here in case someone doesn't know it :)

#matt murdock #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock fanfic #matt murdock x you #daredevil #daredevil netflix #daredevil x reader #daredevil x you #daredevil fic #marvel #mcu fic #mcu daredevil #matt x reader #matt murdock angst

[fanficshiddles]

Necessary Evil, Chapter 2

‘What did he say?’ Sophie asked Sarah when she saw Loki walking away from her.

‘That he really is Loki.’ Sarah scoffed. ‘Must be a cosplayer and got too big for his boots or something similar. But this could still be a fun get together.’ She shrugged.

‘Well, perhaps being a leader of whatever this is has gone to his head a little. But at least he’s hot.’ Sophie smirked.

‘It’ll be interesting to see what the whole thing is about, why they’re trying to recruit more people and what for.’ Sarah said as they headed over to get another drink. ‘Maybe it’s just a big front, it’s probably just to give some mystery. Make things exciting. It’s nothing more than a regular get together, really.’

‘Yeah, that’s most likely.’ Sophie agreed.

‘Hey newbies! Settling in?’ Casey asked as she approached the two with Matt.

‘Think so.’ Sarah laughed. ‘So how often do you all get together, how long has it been going on?’

‘It started about six months ago, Andy and Maddie were the first two and then it just grew from there. As far as I’m aware, there’s you two plus around another eight people that have just come along today for the first time.’ Matt said. ‘We meet up every week like this, but this place is an open door for all members any time of the day. Usually always someone around nowadays.’

There was a young woman that approached them with a clipboard. ‘Hi, my name’s Jen. I’m just gathering all the new names and information.’ She smiled at Sarah and Sophie.

She took their full name, postcode and age. Sarah wasn’t sure why she needed their postcode, but she was ok giving it since they didn’t want the number part of the address.

‘Thank you, and nice to meet you both. Hope you will enjoy it here.’ Jen said, still smiling as she moved on.

Loki then gathered everyone around him again. So Sarah and Sophie joined Matt and Casey a bit closer than they had been previously, next to George and Hanna.

‘That’s Andy and Maddie over there.’ Matt whispered to Sarah and tilted his head in the direction of the couple that were stood right on front of Loki, gazing at him with so much adoration in their eyes.

‘I hope you’ve all had a chance to mingle around, to get to know one another a bit more.’ Loki spoke loudly to the group, making everyone fall silent instantly.

‘Now, to explain to our newbies here. As I mentioned earlier, my name is Loki. And everyone else here are all my lovely, devoted brothers and sisters. Our goal here is to help me to get back home to Asgard. All I need for that to happen is your trust, loyalty and commitment.’ He put his hands over his heart as he looked around the room. ‘And in return, in the meantime, I can give you sanctuary, friendships and hope. And I give you all my word that the many riches of Asgard awaits when our mission is completed. Idun’s apples, gold and gifts beyond your wildest dreams… And of course, the promise of Valhalla when the time comes.’

Everyone erupted into cheer and clapped loudly, while Loki grinned widely and soaked in being in the spotlight.

Sarah was slightly confused as she clapped slowly, Sophie was the same. But they saw everyone around them going mad after his speech full of promises.

‘I’m still confused.’ Sophie whispered to Sarah.

‘Me too. Asgard riches?’ She whispered back to her.

Loki laughed as he calmed everyone down by putting his hands up, everyone fell silent for him again. He looked at Jen and nodded, she handed him the paper with the information of the newcomers.

‘I’d like to say an extra warm welcome to all of our newbies tonight.’ Loki then called out all the names of everyone, and with every name everyone clapped and looked at said person. Sarah felt a bit embarrassed being in the spotlight for a few seconds, but was glad it wasn’t for long.

‘As usual, there will be an official welcoming ceremony for you all next week. To give you a chance to get to know us, and us you.’ Loki said as he looked at Sarah with a smile, making her heart skip a beat. ‘That’s when you’ll be given official and unlimited access to our home here.’ He said as he motioned around the place.

‘Now, to everyone else, just keep spreading the word for now. And for the rest of tonight, just relax and have fun. Get to know your new brothers and sisters, answer any questions they may have.’

Everyone clapped again and a few people whooped. Sarah and Sophie just looked at one another, utterly confused.

But everyone was warm and welcoming as they mingled around a bit again, getting more drinks and food too.

‘So… This guy thinks he’s really Loki the God and is trying to get home to Asgard? And we help him, how, exactly?’ Sarah asked Matt, Casey, George and Hanna.

‘He doesn’t think he’s Loki, he is Loki.’ Hanna said.

‘But… It’s not possible.’ Sophie said.

‘It is. He’s right here on front of us.’ Matt laughed. ‘And once we all help him get home… Just think of the possibilities. We’ll be stinking rich!’

Sarah and Sophie shared a look with one another again, still not convinced at all.

‘It’s nice finally having somewhere I belong, somewhere to feel safe with people that actually care for me. I owe it all to Loki.’ Casey said.

‘And this will always be your home, Casey.’ Came Loki’s voice from behind as he approached the mini group. He placed his hand on her shoulder and gave her a brief squeeze before letting go again.

Casey looked a little flustered. ‘Can’t thank you enough, Loki.’ She bumbled out quickly with a big smile.

Loki just smiled back at her, then looked at the others and his gaze landed on Sarah and Sophie. ‘How are you both getting on? I hope everyone is making you feel welcome?’

‘Yes, they certainly are.’ Sophie nodded.

‘Is the food ok? Do either of you have any dietary requirements? We can certainly cater for anything you require.’ Loki asked as he moved a little closer towards Sarah.

‘No, it’s all good… Thank you.’ Sophie said.

‘Yep, great.’ Sarah nodded in agreement.

‘What brought you both here, hmm? Was it the poster or do you know someone here already?’ Loki asked Sarah and Sophie.

‘Poster for me.’ Sarah said.

‘My cousin, Lara. Though she’s not here tonight as she’s ill.’ Sophie said.

‘Yes, I heard she was ill. I hope she recovers soon… Sarah, I want to speak to you about your artwork, if we may?’ Loki motioned over towards the art.

Sarah’s eyes went wide but she nodded eagerly and followed him across the room.

‘You’re incredibly talented. Are you an artist?’ Loki asked as they reached the art board.

‘Thank you. Oh man, I wish…’ Sarah sighed. ‘I just work in a local shop right now. Trying to pay off my student debts.’

‘Ah. That’s a shame. Your talent should be recognised, not hidden away…’ He looked at her art and tapped his lower lip. ‘Whilst I enjoy our simple poster, and it has worked on getting some people in, perhaps you’d be able to make something… better. Something that will draw people’s attention more. If that’s something you’d be interested in doing?’

Sarah was surprised, yet flattered, too. ‘I… I think I could come up with something, if you really want me to?’  

‘Of course, I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.’ Loki chuckled. ‘Having your kind of talent, definitely don’t want it to go to waste. As I said, the helmet does draw some people in. Perhaps it’s fine for our posters, but it’s not good enough for our logo.’

‘Do you still want the helmet as the main kind of focal point?’

‘Well, what do you think? Was that what got your curiosity?’ Loki asked her, turning to face her fully.

‘Uhm… I’m not sure… I guess it was.’ Sarah shrugged.

Loki smirked. ‘Those that are fans, are drawn to it whether knowingly or not. It’s within you all already. We’re all meant to be here, together.’

Sarah was mesmerised once more by his eyes and voice, but she quickly got her thoughts together again. ‘Yeah… I’d say the helmet is pretty important then.’ She nodded.

‘So you’ll do it?’ Loki asked, hopeful. ‘Of course, it won’t go un-rewarded if you do.’

Sarah nodded up at him with a smile. ‘Yeah, I’ll happily do it.’

She was ecstatic that someone liked her art so much that they wanted more. Though she couldn’t lie, she did wonder what he meant by reward.

‘Excellent.’ Loki clasped his hands together. ‘Take all the time you need for it, I know that masterpieces can’t be done overnight after all.’

‘I’ll give it my all.’ Sarah said. Though she wasn’t entirely sure why she said that really. But there was just something about Loki, he was charming the pants off her and definitely getting under her skin.

‘I am hoping that because you’ve accepted my little task, that means you shall be returning and do indeed want to join?’

Sarah looked around at everyone chatting happily and enjoying themselves, then she looked back at Loki who was smiling dazzlingly down at her.

‘Yeah, I do.’

#tom hiddleston #loki #loki x ofc #loki fic #necessary evil

[onippep]

Wait, do you two live together? Can we get to know a little more about you?

Kkkkiiiinda. It's... Eh, alright, let's give a little rundown from when the Tower collapsed:

I grabbed "Fake Peppino," as we knew it at the time, on my way out of the Tower. It was instinct. I couldn't leave anyone in there in good faith, even if they kicked my ass.

"Fake Peppino" took to this rescue in a way that was really weird to me. First this creepy clone-thing of me was trying to kill me in that tower, now he's crawling around the walls of my Pizzeria, copying my moves and hanging out with everyone.

It was an active few months from then on out. Peppino's Pizza became a bit of a hangout spot for the Tower's refugees. I... loved it, to bits. It got annoying and stressful, and my anxiety would always make things worse, but in the end it was always some loud, goofy fun. Business boomed. I stayed afloat and partially payed off some of my loan.

Eventually, stuff started to calm down. Construction projects started popping up nearby; Toppins and cheeseslimes and Bosses and the likes making homes for themselves, relocating, finding new places to go. Business slowed.

I'd encounter Fake-me at odd times, like after dark or at dawn before opening. He'd always coincidentally be taking out the trash at the same time as me, or it'd somehow already be in the parlor before it opens, cleaning dishes, mopping the floor... like it owned the place. It pissed me off.

Thinking this guy was trying to take over my Pizzeria and commit identity fraud, I met it out back after closing one night, ready to lay down a good beating, verbal or physical.

You said to me, "I don't know what your deal is, but you can't stay here."

Up to that point, I was working on how I would fit as a piece in this new world Peppino created. I figured-- the easiest thing to do-- was what I formed to do in the first place. Mimicry was safe. Mimicry was all I knew.

So I picked up on his habits-- his daily routines, his day at work. My prior makeup has allowed me to keep up, cooking wise, and knew I could seek refuge in the place I was named for. It worked at the Tower all those ages ago, after all.

That night behind the Parlor was difficult. I repeated back at him, ",ereh yats t'nac uoy tub ,si laed ruoy tahw wonk t'nod I"-- I felt the burst of emotion from him that came after that. Not anger-- fear.

We fought. Violently.

Eventually Peppino tired himself out, and he stopped. So I stopped. He was out of breath, so was I. He was snarling in fright. So was I.

We sat and stared at each-other for an hour. I breathed, stared, sat and moved as he did. Peppino noticed. He'd lift a hand, I'd lift one. He'd stand up, I'd stand up. He'd cower back, I'd cower back. And so on.

That's about the part when I realized how much more simple this was. So I experimented a bit. Moved around, see what Fake-me would do, and see how uncanny-but-accurate he could get. It weirded me the hell out, seeing it so close. So...

Docile.

Sure, he'd hang out in the background, copying me from afar, but we'd never really... interacted face to face for such a long period of time. Now that everyone was sorta gone, this was kinda... the moment. To get to know it more.

So I kinda broke down. To my embarrassment, so did Fake-me. Just as ugly, gross, and pathetic of a crier as I am. After that, we sorta made up.

First off, I didn't know Fake-me could speak. Mumbles and backwards, repeating me here and there, but... Actual genuine conversation? It scared the shit out of me. In the silence, it asked, "Where do we go," and I didn't have an answer.

This fucker disarmed me with that sentence. I kinda realized this whole time I was scared of stuff going back to... the ghost-town that I'm used to. And I wouldn't really have anyone around.

I asked its name. It replied, "Onipepp". My name backwards, of course. "Onipepp?" I repeated back, and it nodded. "...Oni. Like a demon. I'll call you Oni from now on." He liked that.

And from there... Uh, sheesh, we've gone on for a while. Anything to add?

You offered me a job. "Since Gustavo and Brick opened their own place," you said. "They're competition now. I'll need the help."

I went through training. He was impressed with my previous skills, often showing a bit of fear or insecurity. That eventually went away.

I'd spend days with Peppino. At night, I'd linger in the rafters, as I always would. I'd chase off all sorts of threats to the Parlor he wouldn't even think about. But I would never follow him home.

I didn't know where he lived, or what was considered his home. I've always lived in the places I form for. I never questioned it.

I keep to myself, but sometimes Peppino would ask me things. "Do you get lonely in here?" "Do you eat? Sleep? Do you need anything?" I'd always respond "I don't know."

A big storm happened, and wrecked the roof of the Parlor. Construction had to happen. It got cold, it got wet, it was noisy. I followed him home that night.

He didn't stop me, like I thought he would. Not a word was said. I was let inside, I looked around, and he says, "Make yourself at home". The phrase confused me.

Regardless-- I'm welcome here now, whenever I want.

Uh-huh. Been a wild few months for you. But you've managed pretty damn well, I gotta say.

(...you have too.)

#;peppino speaks #;oni speaks #;pizzasks #;pizzacanon #pizza filled filing cabinet #;long post #((STORYTIME #((i gotta write a fic or something it was hard not going into super details

[babyjakes]

must be fate. [part one.]

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

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summary | after unexpectedly connecting online with chris evans, you experience an even greater miracle by running into him at your favorite local cafe. though your life has been difficult lately, chris seems to know all the right things to say to get you feeling (at least a little bit) better.

pairing | chris evans x internet friend!reader

warnings | mentions of poor mental health (depression, loneliness), *slight* mentions of suicidal thoughts (passive, no specifics/plans/details), chris being the sweetest human being ever <3

word count | 1,231

requested by anon | chris evans x (non actress) reader where reader is feeling depressed recently and has no one to talk to and thought of venting out to chris by sending a DM through IG and after a few vents, surprisingly chris replies to her and maybe with a little help from fate chris and reader meet unexpectedly and chris recognizes her, you can add/modify some details, maybe this time some fluff?

an | hi i am SO sorry it took me so wrong to write this one but!!! i finally got around to it! fluffy, comforting chris is exactly what i’ve been needing lately so here we go! i hope you enjoy! thanks so much for your wonderful ideas <3 (i like did not really know how to make chris and reader bump into each other very realistically so i just made the setting boston? since he’s an ma guy? idk)

Taking a sip of your coffee, you tuck your head down into your book, doing your best to blend in as you sit alone at your table in one of your favorite little cafes. The place is quite busy with people bustling all about, chatting and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. You’re just around because you needed to get out; you’ve been having a terrible past few weeks and couldn’t stand sitting by yourself at home for another minute.

“Y/n! Y/n,” you hear a deep voice calling faintly from across the room, starling you slightly. Glancing up warily, your eyes land on the last person you’d ever expect to meet in person or to be calling your name: Chris Evans.

“Ch-Chris?” you stutter out as he makes his way over to your table-for-two, a cup of coffee in hand. His deep blue eyes connect with yours as a smile graces his face, appearing delighted to see you. “Oh my god, hi. I- wh-what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been in the area for a few days, just hanging out,” he explains casually, pulling out the empty chair across from you. “Oh,” he pauses before planting himself down, “is it alright if I sit?”

“O-of course,” you stumble, still unable to believe that he’s truly in front of you. He’s been one of your favorite people for a long time, but up until now it’s always been from a distance. You started out like any other fan, and then a few months ago you had decided to reach out to him over Instagram when your collapsing world finally became too much for you to bottle up inside. By some miracle, he had read your messages and responded, which led to the two of you slowly becoming friends through the app, leading Chris to eventually give you his number.

While all of that had felt like a dream already, this was something else entirely. Now he was here, right in front of you. He had recognized you from all the way across the crowded café, and took the initiative to come and sit down. You can hardly believe in.

“I can’t believe it, I’m so glad I get to meet you,” Chris says, the words seeming much more like something you should be saying to him.

“Y-yeah, I- me too,” you agree quickly, shutting your book on the table in front of you and tucking your hair behind your ear self-consciously, embarrassed that he’s seeing you in such a state. Things have been getting progressively worse since you met Chris online, and honestly, right now you’re a mess. You didn’t even bother to brush out your hair or put on any makeup before you left home, not thinking anyone would be getting close enough to notice or care. “Wow, I-… this is unreal,” you admit, feeling a slight blush rise up through your cheeks.

“Guess it must be fate,” he says, his smile widening slightly. The warmth and kindness in his expression tugs at your heart; it’s been forever since the last time someone looked at you with such tenderness. “You come here often?” he asks, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Oh, y-yeah. I… this place is my favorite,” you tell him.

“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” he agrees, “I try to stop in whenever I’m in town. It’s too bad we haven’t run into each other before,” he comments, still surprising you with how truly thrilled he is to be meeting you. “How are you doing?” he asks, his voice softening up a bit as a hint of concern flashes in his eyes.

At his gentle words, you suddenly feel tears threatening to spill over as a wave of emotion washes over you. You can’t remember the last time someone spoke those words to you, and now that Chris is asking, you feel like if you open your mouth and begin speaking, you might not be able to stop.

“Hey,” he murmurs, his concern only growing as he sees the tears built up in your eyes. “Y/n… do you wanna talk? I don’t have anything going on right now, and it seems like you could use someone to talk to.” His voice is sweet and soft, his words kind and sincere, only making your urge to spill everything to him grow stronger.

“Sorry,” you shake your head as you wipe at your eyes shamefully, “I-I’m okay, I just-… I’m okay,” you lie, not wanting to burden him with your problems or waste his time. He’s Chris Evans, you think to yourself, surely he has better things to be doing than listening to my sob story. He’s already done so much for me. “I’m sure you’re plenty busy with… I… I’m sorry,” you repeat.

“No, it’s alright,” Chris presses, seeing right through the brave front you’re putting on. “Really, I’m not busy. Don’t be sorry, y/n. I finally get to see you in person, and I can finally be here for you like you’ve needed someone to be for so long. Please, doll. I can tell you’re not okay,” he tells you gently.

Swallowing down a lump that’s formed in your throat, you sigh as tears begin trailing down your cheeks, no longer concealable at this point. Besides, you can tell that Chris senses just how exhausted and miserable you are, and you decide that you truly just don’t have the energy to hold it together any longer.

“I… I’m getting worse,” you admit quietly, your eyes falling to your lap as your fingers fiddle nervously with the spine of your book. “Everything’s just getting worse.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” he breathes, his brow raised in concern as he leans in slightly towards you, wanting to show you that he’s listening.

“I-I’m doing the best that I can, I-I swear… I just… I hate this, this life. I just… I just wish everything would stop,” you sniffle as more tears fall into your lap.

“Y/n,” he says, and suddenly you feel warmth against your fingers. Looking up slightly, you see that he’s placed his much larger hand over your own, and has begun to slowly run his thumb across your skin softly. “Can you look at me?” Timidly, you raise your gaze to meet his, and the look of care and worry in his eyes is indescribable. “Hey. It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart,”he tells you seriously. “I know everything’s a lot right now. And it’s okay to feel overwhelmed; I totally get why you do. But everything’s gonna be alright. You’re not alone anymore, okay? I’m right here with you. See?” he asks, giving your hand a slight squeeze.

“Chris, I-” you stutter, not knowing what to say. “That’s… that’s so kind of you, and it means a lot to me that you’d say that, but… you’re a celebrity,” you remind him. “I’m just- just a nobody. A girl you met online. And you-”

“No,” he cuts you off firmly, “that’s not true. You’re my friend, y/n. Who cares if I’m a celebrity? You’re not nobody, not to me, and I’m here for you. For good,” he asserts. His kind words soften your heart slightly, and as you peer into his crystal-blue eyes, you can’t find a single hint of deception.

“For good?” you ask, needing to hear it again to truly believe it.

“For good,” he says again. “I promise, y/n. I’m here.”

next part →

#eun's writing #must be fate #chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans blurb #chris evans drabble #chris evans headcanon #chris evans imagine #chris evans one shot #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans angst #chris evans fluff #hurt/comfort

[studentofetherium]

Hello. I am the person who sent you and your friends several messages earlier today that I was worried I was becoming a nazi and was begging you folks to kill me before I did. I want to explain why I did so, both as an admittedly very inadequate apology, and as an attempt at helping you and your friends find closure. I understand there is no excuse for how I bullied, retraumatized and terrorized all of you.

It is great if you consider me an antisemite and hate me forever, for indeed someone like me deserves such treatment. I have seen your posts describing me as a gross, pathetic loser, and I understand that you are completely right.

A few months ago, I became addicted to Arknights and spent 1000s of dollars on it, only stopping when my parents took away my bank account access. As such I began to view the game and Hypergryph and Yostar as evil, fascist, ableist, and antisemitic.

I became somewhat obsessed with trying to tell other people how bad it was, and convinced that Reunion was heroic, but the first two times I published essays about this I had to delete them because people called me a terrorist and braindead for supporting Reunion and not liking the game. This initially hardened my conviction that Arknights was ableist antisemitic pro-slavery propaganda.

Coincidentally, I have severe autism and ADHD, and due to being bullied by teachers in elementary school I have had severe anxiety, depression, and self-loathing ever since, considerably aggravated when I was beaten by a police officer following my first suicide attempt at the age of 15 and institutionalized for 4 days following my second attempt at the age of 16.

I say this not as an excuse, for there can be no forgiveness for my heinous actions, merely to help give context.

Last night I had nightmares about my daddy attacking me and couldn’t sleep very well, so I forgot to take my antipsychotic medications in the morning. I also had a somewhat stressful doctor appointment in the morning. When my third attempt at criticizing Arknights was somewhat poorly received, mommy says I had a self-loathing psychotic episode.

As I read in your essay that you mentioned you were Jewish, and I figured that the worst possible way to treat a Jewish person is the way a nazi would, and I misinterpreted you as defending Rhodes Island, I figured that Reunion, and by extension myself, must be nazis, and Rhodes Island, Hypergryph, Yostar, and the gacha gambling companies I had previously hated must be antifascist good guys.

This does not make much sense to me, since I was previously a socialist and thought that corporations and capitalism supported bad things like fascism and antisemitism, but I now understand I was wrong. By sympathizing with Reunion, I accidentally set myself on the path to becoming a nazi.

Since I have seen lots of memes that nazis deserve death, and I agree with those memes, I tried to start searching for ways to kill myself. Unfortunately I am too cowardly to jump out the window again, and could not break my skin with a kitchen knife, so I felt I had no choice but to ask people on the internet to come shoot me.

I attempted to apologize profusely in these posts, but I understand now that this was merely attention-seeking. Again, I am sincerely sorry, although I understand these words ring hollow, and indeed are an abuse tactic, unless I actually make good on them and kill myself. Please rest assured that I will continue trying to do so beneath my parents’ notice.

While my mommy has insisted over and over again that I am not a nazi or an antisemite because I do not hate Jewish people, I now understand that even calling myself those words permanently and irrevocably turns me into them. And nazis, of course, a category which I unwittingly have become part of, are hateful antisemitic genocidal monsters.

While I have never been very religious, I will now dedicate the rest of my life to finding redemption for my sins by committing suicide or finding someone willing to kill me, in hopes that God will forgive me for the crimes I have committed against an innocent ethnoreligious group. I am not currently aware of any methods I could use to successfully commit suicide, or any ways I could get someone to kill me, but I will at least continue to search for them until I either succeed or die of old age.

As long as I search, I hope I will no longer pose a threat to the safety of you or any other Jewish people.

Though I know it is asking far too much, I must try to humbly request that you post this to share with your followers. I have seen them making memes about me being an example of the alt-right pipeline, and since I suspect they are correct in this, I would like them to understand why I became trapped as a Reunion nazi so that you and your friends may more effectively protect yourself from me and nazis and Reunion members like me.

Please wish me luck as I embark on this final journey to atone for my unforgivable sins. Oh, and my mom doesn’t want me to die, so please don’t tell her either. Thank you for your time.

[hobaworld7]

Hey Jonghyun Oppa... (TW)

Oppa, I didn't even write the first sentence and I am already crying. You really did impact my life, for the better of course. It's the first time I wrote a letter for you. Sorry it took so much time to heal my little grieving heart.

I grow up in an unloving household. I was alone. I was lost and hurt because I never receive support. But then I saw you and all the members in that music video. You know you changed my life, Oppa? Can I even call you Oppa? I mean, after more than 11 years, almost 12 already. I feel like we both know each other pretty well.

You were my comfort when I needed it. When I needed someone to reassure me or tell me that I am worth it. When I was 14 years old, drowning under the depression, I wasn't alone, because you were there Oppa. SHINee saved me. SHINee always helped me go through every hards steps of my life. Because every time I felt sad, I would hugged that one album I had from you (Everybody) and watch funny video to cheer me up. When I was deep down in the loneliness, I would listen to your songs, and be so happy, so reassured.

But I am sorry Oppa. I left you. I left you when the intimidation became too much at school. I'm sorry Oppa. I felt ashamed at the time. I regret a lot, you know. I wish I could tell little Audrey, that everything will be alright, and she should embraces everything that makes her feel alive. And at the time it was SHINee.

And one morning, I woke up and all I could see on my cellphone was the news of your suicide attempt. We didn't know yet if you were committed. And for the first time in years I felt like my world was crashing. And I stayed in bed, crying, all day. The day after that too.

I tried to grieve. I tried to cope. I tried to get over it, like my family was telling me to do. It is just a singer. But Oppa, you are so much more than just a singer. And I did what i thought would be the best, avoid. I avoid the pain. After a week or two of crying an insane amount of tears, I started avoiding the pain. And then college started and adult life too. I wasn't able to listen to your songs every day, but they stayed my comfort option, all the time. Watching your show, SHINee solo comeback, becoming such amazing singers and adults. It made me proud. I know you must be so proud of them too, Oppa.

But I kept avoiding the pain. Until recently. My niece came to me, talking about that k-pop group she loved. And I was so proud of her. Because at her age I was already deeply in love with SHINee. I was and still am proud to share that passion with her. So we started listening and watching diverse show of BTS. And then, I told myself I should took time to see what my favorite group was into these days. Key has been going solo. Taeminie is in the military. Onew is working on a new album. Minho is all over my instagram feed. I felt proud of them Oppa. And I know you are too, because they are so strong and amazing right? Then I start listening to some videos on youtube, to get back into the SHINee world. But Oppa, tell me why they are all sad videos? I remember you as someone funny with the most beautiful voice and smile. All I could find was sad videos. And it hurts so much Oppa.

And here I am now Oppa. For the past month, I have been trying to grieve. It's hard grieving someone that impact your life that much. It is sad realizing that I will never have the chance to meet you. But I slowly start watching SHINee ot4 music videos. But, sorry Oppa, it hurts so much. But once at the time right? Gradually, I'll be okay. I swear I'll be strong enough for it.

I cried a lot lately, my grandma is really sick, my sister told me she wanted to die (she's getting help, don't worry, oppa.), i had problems at work and some old court complaint against a case of death threats and harassement that I suffered three years ago.

Every night I have so much anxiety Oppa. But your voice calms me. Always. But then I woke up, fall on some sad edit from you and cry again. It's so hard.

But I needed to write, it's my therapy. Maybe like you did when you were writing lyrics. I needed to write a letter to the one that saved my life. Because I know that without you I wouldn't be the girl I am right now. I am so thankful for you. You did well Oppa. You worked hard Oppa. You saved so many lives. You impacted so many lives, too.

I will heal Oppa. I swear I'll be okay. I just need your strength, your courage and I will be okay. I'll be okay for you Oppa. Because you saved me. Now I just want to make you proud Oppa. I hope I will.

I'll do well. I'll work hard. For you Jonghyun Oppa.

Saranghae Oppa.

Your smile is the greatest therapy.

I’ll go sleep now Jonghyun Oppa. I hope you’ll sleep well tonight too. The sunset was amazing and now the moon is shining through the night. Like you always had.

I’ll love you forever.🌹

You beloved fan, Audrey.💙

#jonghyun #shinee #jonghyun letter #jonghyun shinee #kim jonghyun #memorial jonghyun #i miss you #oppa #i miss you jonghyun #you did well #you worked hard #you are my model #kim jonghyun suicide #shinee jonghyun #Spotify

[rambalaings]

R2 - Paternal Grandfather Remembered - Part II

This is a post I wrote on my old Blogger site more than 15 years ago, I have reprinted the text faithfully only making minor edits to preserve the purity of the memory from back then.

PAST PONDER

Background It has been almost 40 years since my Paternal Grandfather left for the heavens on August 13th, 1983. I was still very young and this was the first personal tragedy that I have experienced in my life. Although it feels sad that I could not spend more time with this man, who I was named after, the silver lining on the clouds through which he must be watching me, is that I got to spend 6 years with him, during most of which, I was still a toddler. Lots of what I have described are rather blurred images from my brain and I will back it up with what I have heard from my family members over the years after his departure. This post will exercise my memory more than most others and is dedicated to my Thatha (Grandpa).

The Story So Far…

I had written about my thatha’s humble beginnings, his parents, his wedding, and his troubles soon after. Please read the first post in the series, to recharge or load your memory with mine. Here, grab this pensieve, but I am no witch and this is no magic, just memories!

Dehu Road to Delhi… My paati and her children were stuck in Dehu Road indefinitely since there was no communication from thatha. Thatha’s sister and brother-in-law, albeit in a good position, were not necessarily the most hospitable hosts. They were quite unkind to these three and I am told that my paati, still a young girl, who was loved by an auditor, while she was quite happily spending her teenage with her family, found herself in very difficult circumstances. She had to walk several miles to get ration arisi (rationed rice), wash clothes, clean the house, etc. She would have to undergo that torture for 4-5 months before they would hear from thatha. This in my opinion, was the lowest point for my grandpa. His young family had to endure the consequences of a mistake that he had committed and they certainly did not deserve this.

Finally, it seemed as if their testing times were over! My grandpa called his family to Delhi, where he had taken up a decent job. But since he was still new to the job, he could not get time off to go in person to escort them to their new home in Rajghat, yes, near the Gandhi samadhi. The young lady and her two kids set off to Delhi in a train from Dehu Road, perhaps to the relief of their not-so-dear relatives. Hearing about these things still makes me wonder how my Paati is still in talking terms with these people to this day! Perhaps that is the magic of wisdom, that I might still lack.

They arrived in Delhi Station, some 24 hours later, and flagged a cabbie and innocently showed him the address of where they wanted to go to. The sardar taxi driver was nothing like the smiling and sincere ones we see in New York city these days. He was intent on making his bucks, so he took them on an unsolicited tour of Delhi city for what seemed to be ages! My paati took to some brave heroine-ic steps to get them out of there. I do not want to steal the thunder of this post from my grandpa by going into those “steps”. I will post those in a separate post at Past Ponder. Delhi se gaye to Bambai… phir bhi na gaya prachanai…

Reportedly, happiness did not come without a bout of gloom for them in those days. My thatha and paati had another girl, my younger aunt. The elder kids were going to a modest school in Saraswathi Vidyalaya in Chembur, near the present day Chembur bridge. Soon, two of my thatha’s sisters came to stay with them, since they had no one else to turn to. My thatha’s brother was also staying with them. It was a large family under one roof. But thatha stood strong like a rock and supported everyone, with some good assistance from his brother. But soon, his brother got married and moved on to Madras. They underwent a lot of financial difficulties, sometimes to the extent of not being able to pay my dad’s fees, unable to afford good clothes or school uniform, like you see in many movies.

Entering Vrindavan… Bombay soon became the city that thatha and paati began loving. They also got some of their best friends here. They remain in touch until today. R.C.K and his wife Sushila were really notable and so were Ramamurthi Mama & Mami. Sometimes, it is tough to imagine what life would have been, but for these people. Ramamurthi Mama, who was in Income Tax, was a very influencial person. He managed to secure a loan for thatha to be able to buy a decent apartment in Tilak Road, the place I would first call home when I set foot into this world! I owe it to an extent to Ramamurthi Mama!

In 1961, the construction on the three floor apartment building, Vrindavan in Ghatkopar would be completed and ours was the watch tower flat on the third floor. Sure enough, R.C.K also bought an apartment on the same building and same floor, though in a different wing, connected by the terrace upstairs. I am sure it must have been the biggest moment of their lives in those times. Here is where several important events in our history would take place and our family would live in that flat for exactly 30 years!

The Golden Era… My thatha began to grow steadily in a respectable position at Godrej. He and his colleague friend, R.C.K, would also have a lot of fun at Vrindavan with their families and descendants. Their social lives would bloom and the kids would always have dear friends to play with. They shared a lot in common, including their interests, hobbies, etc. The least of things I would like to mention as a common thing between them is their appetite for tobacco. My thatha used to consume a lot of thambakoo paan; this unfortunately carried on to my dad, of course not genetically, but just coincidentally. My dad has far surpassed his father on tobacco consumption and this is something I am really disgusted with. Appa, you reading???

Life started getting better, the number on the Class column on kids’ notebooks would keep increasing. Thatha could now afford to send the youngest offspring to a famed school, Fathima, which until today remains one of the best schools in Greater Bombay. He must have been very proud of his growth and achievement, while feeling a tinge of disappointment that he could not do the same for his elder kids. However, I am very sure that the elder kids are not complaining. He did all that he could to get them great education at the college level. My dad went on to do an M.Com and LLb, while my aunt was content with her B.A, after which she vowed that she was done studying. The younger aunt went on to do a B.Com as well.

Soon, my dad started work at Godrej as a junior typist. It was a position that my thatha was heavily influential in starting him with. But understandably, he wished that my dad could get better things. This did not take too long and my father joined as a junior clerk in the Union Bank of India, at Muhammed Ali Road, Masjid Bunder. This was in the hub of Bombay and the buzz of activity. My dad would keep taunting thatha playfully, that he worked in the New York of Bombay, whereas thatha went to a remote town in Iowa, to Godrej at Vikhroli. Soon, my aunt also started at Godrej, after completing her B.A.

One after another, there were reasons to celebrate in the family. Whether it was the day when Bharath television arrived, or it was the time when the Godrej refrigerator came in. But to my thatha, the biggest pleasure must have been when the large Grundig gramaphone arrived. He was a great connoisseur of music, which was not necessarily appreciated by my paati. He loved music from Balamuralikrishna, T.M.S, M.S.Subbalakshmi and devotional songs like Alai Payudhey (old one), Kurai Onrum Illai, etc. To this day, my paati will get tears in her eyes if you sing one of those songs. He also used to be a good singer of these songs. This is surely something that has not been genetically carried over to me; I am a disaster when it comes to singing! Kids no longer… Bring on the Wedding Bells!

In 1975, when my thatha was 48, he decided that it was time to get his elder daughter married to relieve some of his responsibilities. My dad, who had wanted to go on to do his Chartered accountancy, had to go to work since although, the family was doing better than before, it could do with more help. So, my dad took on an assist role to add a few hundred rupees per month into the home pool. Thatha also began doing some part time work over the weekends with a private auditor, Shetty. This was a crucial step for me and one of the main reasons I got to spend even more time with my thatha, as I was to find out much later!

My aunt got married to a Science graduate, who hailed from Kandhivili, working for Goodlass Nerolac Paints. His family was an endearing one, especially his mom, Dadi as I remember her was very sociable and personable. More about her in another post. In 1976, a year after my elder aunt’s wedding, thatha thought it was appropriate to get his son settled down in life, since his other daughter was way off in terms of age, she was just entering college and surely she had aspirations of working for a while independently.

Thatha and Paati with assistance from my elder aunt, filtered through the eligible alliances and then they landed up at my mom’s place in Sion. My maternal grandfather, also one of my most revered persons, had made sure to do all the necessary background checks about this family and he was convinced about the authenticity. A battalion of more than 10 people landed up at my mother’s residence in Sion for the “ponnu paakara” ceremony. My mom would still keep complaining that, if there were so many people (men) that came, how would she ever know who the groom was?? My dad at that time was still a young and puny lad of 25. So, there was no easy way to find out who the groom was. My mother initially thought that my athimber (aunt’s hubby) was the groom! After all the singing and talking, my father was still undecided although he did like the girl. The groom side did not respond for days together and the pulse was speeding up on the bride side.

I was told that my paati was looking at other candidates without my thatha’s knowledge under the pretext of “thinking for a while”. Thatha got furious at this and picked up the phone, without asking anyone and told my maternal grandfather that he had really picked his daughter-in-law in his daugther. Thus my parents were united on March 3rd 1976 in a marital bond.

Thatha becomes a Grand Parent but suffers a stroke!! Pretty soon after that, my thatha who would have already been overjoyed by two weddings in the family, would have another great reason to rejoice. His first grandchild was born on April 11th 1976, which was my elder cousin. He was overjoyed and held aloft the newest member of his progeny, a mottai yet extremely fair kid. Thatha, who through his middle ages had become somewhat proficient in reading horoscopes, predicted great things for this guy. He said his grandson would be brilliant and would have a lot of opportunities to grow in life. If he took the right decisions, he would become world famous. He was definitely right to a large extent, looking back.

I think the turn of events were too swift and too much for my thatha’s heart to take. It decided to take a moment to go offbeat, but this impacted my thatha in the form of a heart attack in early 1977. This was his first sign of a weak heart as the cardiogram revealed and although there would be much to rejoice in the years to come, his heart would never be the same…..

I have to pause here….

To be concluded……

#thatha #paternal #grandpa #periyaambi

[athousandmorningss]

Sometimes I feel I’m in a fever dream. Like, there’s this whole ass man that was a stranger to me nearly three years ago but here he is, in the house slippers I bought him, muttering and bitching as he cleans the litter box. A wild & weird thing to make a home with a stranger, still-knowing ourselves and each other, at the same time, the miracle of this reduced in the burden of everyday tasks. 

A miracle, too, that in this economy nobody’s snowballing, yet a 60 cent stamp sent attached to a sealed letter reveals the father in law I met at my best-friends wedding is dead, after taking a fall on Christmas eve & laying bedridden in the month’s since. He was, of course, the brightest light at the wedding: his age hidden in face and spirit that read decades younger. J tells me they tagged him before they even go to say goodbye--

I’m pondering what it means to have been her friend for nearly two decades and to feel, in spite of these confessions and penned experiences, the death of our friendship. I can’t parse if she knows, or cares, is in denial, or doesn’t have time to worry about such things. For upwards of two years I’ve been trying, and giving, excuses. I guess it’s over, though, and I’m not sure what to do with this loss.

*

I’m tryna trace my family history, tryna parse together meaning and answers. Read Tupelo Hassman’s Girlchild, finishing its pages in my favorite coffee shop & having to had my crying behind it’s chapters. Wanted to howl at the deep-felt connections of shared experiences: how girl children, particularly our bodies, serve as spaces to act out all manner of violence and abuse when men have no other outlet: how the most obvious prey is the easiest pray, how the similarity of these experiences healed me but troubled me: namely, in that I felt more anger at the mother (my mother) for leaving me with him, than I did for him having committed the act. Another wound reopened, calling to be attended to.

Anyways. In trying to trace the history, I contact Cousin Sam for the first time in over two decades and try to peace together a conversation with her. She’s so eager to contact & recount old memories that I can’t help but wonder what it is she’s trying to heal. I call uncle Ronnie. The first time, he reveals too much, namely about my mother’s death. I take two months to call him back, and when I do, he pauses for half a second before settling in to a conversation about family dramas and family hopes in which I ask questions, redirect, try to learn more. We’re to meet next month, for the first time in two decades. I feel at once hopeful and exhausted and scared. I have questions I’m hoping he might answer.

--

In meantime. We took a trip to Arkansas, a state only on our places to visit because of its proximity. It surprised us with its expansive beauty: the Ozark mountains demanding in their beauty, nestled between miles of farmland: cows taken to soupy green water to cool themselves in the summer heat. We’re nearly three years into our marriage and truths needed telling: I’m trying to parse if these are worries I can, and am willing, to address and accommodate. *

In meantime, I’ve taken to the local park at sunset when the birds gather to sound and sway in tandem, making their way to the tops of leaves to convene and converse. It’s no small miracle to watch their gathering every few days: its music and timing predictable and exacting, reminding me of my small place in this ever-expansive world, try as I might to mark myself and make myself out here. Try as I might. 

[crewofthegoldrush]

Not too long ago I drew Monty with her ex - she was mentioned in a session but their story wasn't addressed. It's considered canon to me that Monty has now told Aubrey the full story during the course of their date (❤!!!) so we can finally uncover the backstory of Monty's two childhood best friends, Gentry Yang O'Malley and Rascal O'Malley -

Following a pretty bad divorce, Gentry's mother moved them in with Gentry's grandpa, the current Sheriff of Runswick, to get back on their feet. They settled down and eventually opened up a flower shop, Thorns'n Ivy, filling a niche that ended up being pretty well received in this little town. Monty took to Gentry almost immediately, as she was already close to her Pops through her Pa, his deputy. Monty remembers Gentry being "sweet and spicy," charismatic and loyal, ornery as hell, flirty and hot-tempered straddling that line between a floral loving druid and a fire harboring tiefling, and she kinda loved her for it. 

Only a few years later, if that, Rascal moved to Runswick with his two dads as they opened a leatherwork shop, Tan Your Hide. Monty met Rascal not just because they were now school mates but because her aunt Thes, a blacksmith, really took to his dads. Despite his massive size (as an adult he is taller than Monty and quite bulky, being a minotaur worksmith), he is extremely gentle and kind, with a jovial and optimistic view of the world. It was usually the case that the more calm and level headed Rascal was the one reining in his girls. Some of the clothes Monty still wears to this day were made by Rascal, including her hat.

Monty absolutely adored both of them, but as one might expect, she harbored a huge crush on Gentry and the two had a flirty relationship from their "high school" years to well into their adulthood - it wasn't necessarily a secret between them, just something they never seriously acted on. This would ultimately culminate in what Monty considers her biggest embarrassment. Monty held a party the weekend she made deputy, and wouldn't you know it, she woke up with a killer hangover, her best friend next to her, and two matching wedding rings. She still to this day has no memory of this, and Gentry isn't much help either.

The marriage only lasted for about two months. It was certainly nice for a little while, with this being the push to finally do something about their relationship. But the reality that they were now committed and they hadn't even dated yet - and at a relatively young age as this would have been when Monty was the dragonborn equivalent of 19 or 20 - it was all a bit too much for two "unkept" gals, and it certainly strained the marriage and almost their friendship. On top of this, Monty was desperate to keep it from her parents as she was still too embarrassed to tell them. 

(She would be even more embarrassed to learn they knew the whole time.)

Eventually the two decided whatever this potential relationship was wasn't worth straining their friendship and they divorced. The two did swap rings as gifts to the other, as sort of a joke, sort of a promise. It is likely this was also done as a balm of sorts for Gentry, considering her parents' divorce. Monty now uses this ring for her spell-slot restoring infusion.

Similar to Monty and Gentry, Gentry and Rascal also had a flirty relationship that they never seriously addressed. This never turned into a love triangle between them, especially considering Monty's courtship style is very hands off - if a gal isn't hers, she feels no right to jealousy - and she was just as likely to make jokes about the two hooking up. Rascal was genuinely happy for them when they tried to make the marriage work, and was likewise almost overly concerned that Monty seemingly "threw away her chance" with Gentry and only stopped feeling bad when Monty insisted she was fine with the divorce - it wasn't a real proper thing anyway, this stupid thing she did and everyone should just forget about it.

Eventually, after the marriage was behind them, Gentry and Rascal left Runswick. One of Rascal's fathers was away at the war but following his discharge due to an injury, Rascal moved away to take care of him and support his dads. This left Gentry and Monty alone for a bit, but following Shepherd's passing, Gentry and her Mom move out of the small town to upscale their shop thanks to the inheritance they received. Mostly by coincidence, the two end up in still close proximity to each other and do eventually begin to date, and marry. Monty gladly attends their wedding, and comes home from that weekend to find a little blue kobold on her mom's hip.

Monty kept in touch with them up until her banishment where, in her shame, she dropped communications with them as she still considered them part of her clan. The only communications she ever responded to was when Gentry claimed she would "kill her if she died in the Mourning somehow." She is very, very slowly reaching out to them again, and has recently learned they intend to make her their kid's Godmother, should they have any (If they haven't already - I reserve the right to retcon this should I need to ;p)

 Fun Facts bc this post isn’t long enough eh

Monty's nickname for Gentry is "Rosé" and Rascal's is "Beefcake." It was Gentry who gave Monty her small affinity for roses

Gentry's mother's name is Sandra, and she was good friends with Belle and Aunt Arizona; Rascal's Pa's are Mark (a lion tabaxi) & Derek (a water buffalo minotaur). yea when i need to name an NPC on the fly i just throw my hand into my bag titled “grey’s names & country music”

The character concepts for all three of them were created because of this post  

Originally Gentry's personality was going to be much more similar to Aubrey's in that "defrosting ice queen" way, but that doesn't reflect the story I wanted Montbrey to be and it was important to me that Monty was never hung up on her ex (dnd is therapy etc etc). Although now that Aubrey is opening up more, some of their similarities are starting to shine through. Wayfinder though does remind Monty of Rascal and is partly why she feels close to him.

Monty never told Tequila about Gentry or Rascal specifically because not only was the whole thing behind them at this point, but it was also something that greatly embarrassed her. Dragonborn do not like to discuss things that hurt their ego, making it a "well you never asked" topic for her

not that it matters, but Gentry is pan and Rascal is bi! 

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #d&d #eberron #tielfing #minotaur #art only #i never intended to build these two out so much but here we are!

[fairlyang]

Mayor que usted I🕷️

in which you wanna fuck your dilf neighbor

w/c: 2.3K

pairing: dilf!miguel x f!reader

tags: 18+ smut. age gap, sexual tension, teasing, ass smacking, middle of the kitchen, almost caught, fingering

part two ~ part three

"Miguel dime una razón-" you point a finger at his chest growing more and more annoyed. (give me one reason-)

"Estoy mayor que tú!!" He exclaimed and moved your hand away from him. (I'm older than you!!)

You scoff and roll your eyes, taking another step forward and snake your arms behind his neck. "Y eso que?" You whisper and look into his eyes with a little pout on your lips. (And what about it?)

You've been trying to get into your older neighbor's pants as soon as you laid eyes on him. Damn near the second you saw him cleaning his Harley on his driveway when you first moved to the new house like eight months ago.

You kinda just watched him in awe and practically eye fucked him, watching how his muscles moved with every movement. And that black tank top fit so tightly against his physique, shockingly enough it didn't just rip with any movement.

You stood behind the moving truck watching him until your mom came out and scolded you to not be a weirdo to the new neighbors. That was until she took a look at him herself then gave you a look that she understood why you were gawking. Thus began your so called crush but more of a fascination for the older man.

You still being in your early twenties while he was in his early thirties but you couldn't care less. You didn't care at all. But he was playing hard to get, way too hard to get. You knew he would check you out at the family carne asadas or the occasional birthday party your parents would invite him to. He couldn't even deny it but claimed he was just keeping an eye on you.

Yeah right.

On your ass maybe.

"Y que tiene de malo? Nadie ni tiene que saber..." you whisper and try to lean in for a kiss but he tilts his head back. (And what's so bad about it? No one has to know...)

"No empieces-" he says in a warning tone making you whine. (Don't start-)

"Si los dos sabemos que no nomás soy yo que te da ojos. Tu también me los das Señor O'Hara." You say and he suddenly has a nervous look on your face. (We both know that it's not just me that gives you those eyes. You also give them to me Mr. O'Hara)

You grin and bring a hand down, gently placing it on his chest, "Ves? Ni me lo puedes negar." He breathes in deeply and see a faint blush on his cheeks. (See? You can't even deny it)

"Cat got your tongue Mr. O'Hara?" You tease making him groan.

Right now you were in the middle of the kitchen while the rest of your family and a couple other neighbors were in the backyard eating and getting drunk.

So you were completely in the clear, and your parents would never assume you were up to no good. You were a good daughter in their eyes. And it'll remain that way.

"I'm not going to do anything that I know I'll regret later-" he starts and you roll your eyes.

"Why are you acting like we're committing some kind of crime? We're both adults, we'll be fine..." you say and take another step closer.

He steps back now against the counter as you're in front of him not having any intentions on letting go. "And would you really regret this?" You ask softly, leaning up as he takes deep breaths.

Conflict was all that ran through Miguel's mind, oh he wanted you just as bad as you did him but he did not want to crest any conflict with your parents. Or any of the neighbors if anyone were to find out.

Oh how badly he wanted you but right now? Just a bad time as much as he wants to. But you were pushing his buttons so well, perfectly even but he wanted to remain strong. Though you were making it even harder than usual now.

He clears his throat and sighs, "I would."

You raise an eyebrow at him, not believing a word he says and move your hand from his chest to lightly trace along his collarbone over his navy blue button up. "Oh si?" You hum and he slowly nods. (Oh yeah?)

"Pues porque estás tan nervioso?" You question and tilt your head to the side, watching as he gulps then tries to speak. (Then why are you so nervous?)

"No lo estoy." He says making you giggle. (I'm not)

"Oh no? Entonces tengo que encontrar otra manera de hacerte más nervioso...." You whisper and lean to the side before giving him a peck on the cheek. (Then I have to find another way to make you more nervous....)

You then kiss down to his jaw then down his neck making sure to give him open mouthed kisses as well. You bring your hand slowly down his collarbone down to his neck, then right down his stomach before stopping right where the waistband of his pants was.

You could feel his breathing getting harder and it only brought more excitement into your body. He wanted this.

"Y no me importa que sea menor que usted, Señor O'Hara." You murmur against his skin making him slip up and let out a moan. (And I don't care that I'm younger than you, Mr. O'Hara)

Finally.

Something to work with.

"Sabes que no debemos de-" he says but you quickly cut him off. (You know we shouldn't-)

"Pero si los dos queremos..." you whisper and finally pull away from his neck. (But if we both want to...)

"Fuck it." He mutters and quickly brings a hand to your jaw and leans down, smashing your lips together.

You immediately kiss back and almost melt when you feel his hand slip down to your waist bringing you as close as possible. Your hands made their way to his hair and lightly tugging on the curls at the back of his neck. He moaned into your mouth that sent a shiver straight down your spine.

He sounded so fucking good and the way his hands were exploring your body just made you happy you were finally able to convince him.

You slid your tongue into his mouth when you feel his hands play with the ends of your skirt and lightly caressing the back of your thighs. Suddenly his hands slip under your skirt and he's squeezing your ass at first until he decides to start smacking it.

You moan into his mouth and he pulls away, bringing one hand to your waist and walks forward making you walk back until your lower back hit the kitchen island.

Suddenly he turns you around and makes you lean against the island, positioning you properly and making you arch your back. He lifts your skirt up to find a red thong, covering almost nothing and making him dumbfounded.

There was silence for a solid few seconds until you felt a harsh smack on your ass. You felt the skin warm up as he started to gently rub it and you already felt your legs shaking. "Querías esto tanto, verdad, chiquita?" He murmurs and you hum. (You wanted this so much, didn't you, honey/baby girl?)

You bite your lip and nod vigorously, not trusting yourself to speak and also wanting to test to waters to see how he'd react.

Quickly you find your answer as you feel another smack on your other cheek and you let out a whimper. "Contéstame nena." He demands and you grin. (Answer me baby girl)

"Si, si lo quise tanto." You say and feel him slide your thong down slowly. (Yes, yes I wanted this bad)

"Pobrecita... siempre te he rechazado. Pero ya sabes lo tanto que te he querido tocar." He admits making your squeeze your thighs in newfound happiness. (Poor girl... I've always rejected you. But now you know how badly I've been wanting to touch you)

"Tenía un poco de idea..." you say softly and wiggle your ass as he slipped your thong over your already soaked cunt. (I had a bit of an idea...)

He moans and you hear shuffling going on behind you. You feel his hands separate your ass then feel some air being blown on to your desperate cunt. You shake a little and position yourself better to not have your upper half so uncomfortable on the island.

You held your chin on the palm of your hand staring out into the living room and the backdoor to the backyard. It technically wouldn't be the end of the world if someone came in because no one would be able to see Miguel, only you leaning on the counter. At least you would hope.

Your thoughts of getting caught are cut short when you feel his tongue lick a single strip down to your clit. You let out a little moan and arch your back again and spread your legs a tiny bit more for him. "You taste so good. Tan dulce nena." He moans before diving straight in. (So sweet baby girl)

You bite your lip trying your hardest to fight off moans as he starts eating you out like no man ever has. He was eating it like a starved man and it's exactly what you needed and you knew a man like him would know exactly what he's doing and how to do it.

"Miguel~" you moan out then clasp a hand over your mouth, almost forgetting you shouldn't be making any noise.

He slurps on your juices then goes further down to start sucking on your clit. You then feel the tip of a finger make its way inside you and you could almost swear it felt like he was putting in two. "Fuck-"

You clamped against his finger as he slid it in slow all the way through. "Tan apretada... como vas a tomar a mi-" (so tight... how are you going to take my-)

He stops speaking as soon as you both hear loud laughter coming right outside the door and said door starts to open. In comes in one of your dad's work friends that lives in the neighborhood, fuck.

"Oye mija sabes en donde se fue Miguel?" He asks and you shake your head, eyes wide. (Hey honey do you know where Miguel went?)

"Ah- ah no lo he visto..." you say trying so hard not to let out a moan as Miguel was still slowly finger fucking you. (no I haven't seen him...)

You gasp as he pushed another finger in which made your dads friend step inside and shut the door behind him. "C-creo que f-fue agarrar unas p-pinzas de su casa!" You claim and pray he leaves soon enough. (I t-think he w-went to grab some t-tongs from his house!)

"Ah okay. Es que tu papá quiso hablar con el. Cuando regrese dile que tu jefe lo busca." He says with a nod then turns back to the door. (It's just that your dad wanted to talk to him. When he comes back tell him that your dad is looking for him)

"Claro! Creo que n-no tarda d-de llegar." You say with a forced smile as you feel yourself clench against Miguel's fingers. (Of course! I don't think he'll be t-too l-long now)

He nods and puts his hand on the doorknob before turning back to look at you, "estas bien? Te ves bien pálida." (are you okay? You look really pale)

I blink at him unable to think as Miguel's fingers go faster and he starts sucking on your clit. You gulp then nod, "s-si estoy bien, entre porque se s-sentía bien caliente... y para t-tomar un poco de agua..." you say slowly and he shrugs. (y-yeah I'm okay, I came in because it f-felt really hot... and to d-drink a bit of water)

"No te nos vayas a enfermar." He jokes pointing a finger at you. (Don't get sick on us)

You shake your head and smile, "no sera todo eso." (it won't be all that)

With one final smile he walks out and closes the door shut. You wait a few seconds before finally letting out strings of moans as Miguel fucked you faster and was curling his fingers up. You whimpered and already felt your orgasm build up in your stomach.

"Miguel- fuck! Se siente t-tan rico-" you cry out and feel your legs start to shake. (it feels ss-o good)

"Ya se nena, ya se." He murmurs and you moaned as he went back to suck on your clit. (I know baby girl, I know)

Your arousal was now actually audible loud which meant you were most likely a creamy mess for him which also meant you were close.

He fucked you faster almost as if reading your mind and you could swear you were about to see stars. Your vision was getting blurry and the knot in your stomach was so close to bursting.

You feel his mouth disappear from your clit making you pout and whimper, "it's okay baby, still feels good doesn't it?"

"Y-yes-" you moan and buck your hips back making you gasp as he hit your g spot repeatedly.

"Oh fuck- Miguel- I'm- mmm shit!" You moan feeling at a loss of words.

"I'm gonna-" you cry and feel your legs shake more.

"Cum for me baby, gonna be a good girl for me and cum?" He says as your orgasm quickly washed over you as soon as you hear him speak making you clench around his fingers as you came.

You cover your mouth and feel your entire body shake as he slows down. You feel your eyes close as he slips his fingers out of you slowly. You turn your head to look at him only to watch him suck your juices from his fingers.

You watch in awe and squeeze your thighs together, somehow growing more aroused. He plops them out of his mouth then gives you a wink.

He then brings your skirt down and leans down to kiss your forehead, "hasta la proxima nena." (Until next time baby girl)

#miguel ohara #miguel ohara smut #miguel ohara x reader #miguel spiderverse #atsv miguel #miguel smut #Miguel o hara #Spider-Man #miguel ohara imagine #miguel o’hara smut #miguel o'hara #mayor que usted

[ratralsis]

Worth it

I'm having a rough few months, financially. Feel free to slip me a couple of dollars if you can, but don't feel bad if you can't: https://ko-fi.com/ratralsis

And on to what I wanted to write.

Years ago, when I was but a young college student (I have no idea what demographics I reach with this blog, but I don't THINK it's a lot of high schoolers? Prove me wrong, I guess), I made the decision that I was going to spend my final fifteen months in college doing whatever it took to lose weight and get into better shape. I'd been steadily gaining weight each year since I'd finished high school and it was getting to a point where clothes were hard to find, seats were hard to fit into, and my back and knees were giving me chronic pain.

My weight was not crazy high. At my heaviest, I was 255 pounds. A lot of people in the world are heavier than that and are perfectly fine and, let me be clear, I'm perfectly fine with them, too! I'm a big believer in the idea that you can be healthy at any size. But I can't. Or at least, I couldn't. I wasn't healthy, and I wasn't happy, and I decided to do something about it.

So I dieted. I exercised. And I lost about a pound and a half a week for months. I started in September (I graduated in the beginning of December the next year, hence my fifteen months, because my college class schedule was odd), and when the summer break began, I had to go home and wait before I could come back for my final quarter and finish my final classes and graduate. I did not walk with a hat and robe and all the other fancy accoutrements, because I already had two Associate's Degrees and had done so then and didn't want to do it again.

My college years were odd.

Anyway.

So I had to go home, and that meant no more access to the gym at school, where I'd been running on an elliptical every day because an elliptical is easier on my joints than a treadmill and I don't like stationary bikes as much.

So I approached a friend of mine from my old college, the one where I got my two Associate's Degrees, who'd spent his whole life studying martial arts. Around the same time I'd started my fitness journey, he'd started one of his own: he'd begun a 100-day program called IRON BODY TRAINING under the tutelage of his master, a local carpetlayer in a small town who happened to be the grandmaster of a style called, according to the friend, "Slide-In Black Panther Kung Fu," but which Google tells me might actually be called "Black Panther Combat Gung-Fu." In other words, if you Google that second phrase, you might find the grandmaster of it! I won't tell you his name, though! You're on your own!

All I'll say is that he looks EXACTLY like all those fuckin', like, strip mall dojo masters who can't do martial arts for shit, just another slightly paunchy middle-aged white guy with gray hair and a goofy smile, but I met the guy years after this story and he really actually is an insanely skilled martial artist. I mean… is he deadly? I don't know. I just know he was very skilled and very strong when I met him and he would regularly travel around for competitions and exhibitions. It might be that he's just a good performer who tricked me. I won't claim one way or the other.

What I will say is that the IRON BODY TRAINING that my friend was doing was pretty serious. It was a 68-minute routine that relied on a lot of isometric poses and body-weight exercises mixed with difficult yoga poses.

It isn't the hardest workout around if you don't want it to be. It's as hard as you want to make it. That's the fun of the isometric exercises involved, where you need to tense your muscles as hard as you can while you do them. You get out what you put in. And, since I suddenly had like eleven weeks stuck at home, I asked my friend to teach it to me. He agreed, on the condition that I commit to it. See, the IRON BODY TRAINING is a 100-day program. You do the exercises every single day for the hundred days, and you have to follow some additional guidelines:

No intoxicants or stimulants, that is, no alcohol or caffeine No other recreational drugs No sweetened foods (that is, no chocolate, candy, milkshakes, etc.) No fried foods No red meat No sex of any kind, even the kind you can have by yourself

A lot of people get to that last one and feel the need to make a joke about how they could do the rest, but not that. Whatever. As my friend put it, it's not like the IRON BODY POLICE will come and take away the powers granted to you by doing the IRON BODY TRAINING if you break the rules. But he had followed the rules, his master had followed the rules, and he made me promise to follow the rules. So I did.

I remember asking him a couple of times about the finer points of the rules. For example, could I still drink a protein shake after a workout if it was chocolate-flavored? I was having a hard time finding protein powder that WASN'T sweetened. And what about sugar free chewing gum? That's still sweet, too. He told me that those were fine for the simple reason that avoiding them would have been harder than it was worth. So, if you think those are breaking the rules, I did break the rules. Sorry.

I could tell a lot of stories about doing the hundred days and how I was going crazy for a burger and a latte by day fifty and then day on day 101 I bought both and they made me sick because the flavors were so disgustingly overwhelming, but that's not actually the point of all of this.

The point is that, after learning the full IRON BODY TRAINING, I wound up working a temp job at an Autozone warehouse. And it was a very physically taxing job! It hurt my back!

There was one exercise in the IRON BODY TRAINING that was really good at stretching and working out knots in my back, though, so I would do it while on my breaks (trying to at least do it where nobody was watching, of course) or at home after work. I don't know what it's called outside of the IRON BODY TRAINING, and I don't feel like explaining it. I'm sorry. You'll just have to wonder, I guess.

And I told my friend this. I told him that I had started doing some of the IRON BODY TRAINING exercises to stretch out my back and feel a little less pain on the job. And he thought about that, and then he said, "Then it was worth it for me to learn it."

It wasn't enough for him to learn it and do the training himself to improve as a martial artist or improve his own physical health. He had to teach it to someone else (me), and that someone else (me) had to use it to improve their (my) life in some way. Once that had happened, it was worth it for him to have ever learned it to begin with. That's what it took. Him learning it led to it helping somebody.

And that, I tell myself on a regular basis, is my baseline, too. I complain sometimes about my writing not reaching nearly as wide an audience as I'd like, but I stick with it, because if I've made life a little better for even one person, then it was worth it. That's what keeps me working on my novel, too: the idea that, once it's finished, it might reach a single reader who cares.

Yep. That's where I was going with this. I wanted to try to encourage anyone out there who's working on something that doesn't seem to be doing big numbers that maybe it's worth it even if you have a small audience.

I'm not so foolish as to say that making a difference in a million people's lives isn't more impressive than making a difference in one. I'm just saying that making a difference in one might still be worth it. So go for it. You never know.

#ratralsis writing #text post #long post

[crasherfly]

6 Years Past

CW- Suicide, Self-Harm

It’s July 20th. Six years ago, Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, passed away. He took his own life. For fans current and past it was the sucker punch we all saw coming but could never be prepared for.

Six years past and it still aches the heart.

Folks outside a fandom will not understand what it’s like within the cult of personality when a famous person dies. Yes, it’s a person you never met and who never knew your name. But paradoxically it was also a person you spent your most intimate, emotional moments with.

Chester was with me in the back of my parents’ van on the long vacation drive when I first picked up Crawling from a local rock station on my portable radio. He was with me during my most lonely after-school hours in junior high. He was with me when I wrote my first stories. He was with me when I staged my first autodrama, a piano cover of Pushing Me Away softly playing as the curtain opened.

Chester’s voice and lyrics opened my young mind up to the possibility that the angst and aggrievement I felt was not something to be buried but something to be expressed- written, sung, screamed, put front and center. Most importantly- it was a signal flare, letting me know I was not alone. 

Every year I mark this occasion by listening to Linkin Park’s music and checking in online about my own mental health.

I’ve oscillated between being very loud about the work I’ve been doing and being very quiet. I’d like to think I’ve fallen somewhere in the middle in recent months. There’s a lot of use in being transparent. There’s also a lot of bluster in it.

I’ve experienced a lot of change in the past year. I’m currently in with two therapists, one behavioral, one nutritional. It’s less intense than it sounds, as one basically serves as a sounding board for petty grievances and the other just asks me if I’m eating fruits and vegetables. I am on a program for working through panic symptoms and have some meager goals in sight- drive a car, see the dentist, run a race, that kind of stuff. That said, the program goes slow, partly due to my lack of diligence. Turns out even at my age, homework is still hard to commit to.

I’ve come to accept that for me, at least, there is no grand turning point where suddenly I wake up as a new person. Change is a process of small movements that coalesce into something more grand after months and years. I told an old friend this week “I wish the person I am now had met you back then, rather than the person I was”. It was a bleak but honest admission- I’ve experienced change, and I am mostly better for it.

But still so very far from perfect. I’ve had challenges this year and I have failed them. I still struggle to caretake, to empathize, to reject my own selfishness when tasked with bearing the burdens of another. I’m still racked with panic and imagined pain that rules my decision-making. I still struggle with truthfulness and decisions made purely to manage my own anxiety. I’m told I also struggle with cutting myself some slack- something I often counter with “but so many people have cut me slack already”.

I guess I still have work to do.

I lost a friend to suicide this year. It was someone I hadn’t spoken to in years- someone I didn’t cut slack even when they asked me for grace. As I’ve said of Chester’s death so many times, I’ll say again here- it was the suckerpunch you see coming but can’t brace for. Suicide is just like that.

The last time they reached out to me was almost ten years ago. They were in the process of making amends with people they’d wronged. It’s a sentiment I understand well, having been in that position often enough. It’s rare that I’m on the other side hearing the apology. I guess that’s why this particular moment stuck out to me- as did my failure to yield. This person asked me to forgive them for their habitual abuse. I ignored them. They lived another ten hard years- it’s likely they never thought of me again after that DM. And then it was over and I was at their visitation, alone, like a cat that had snuck into a house uninvited. 

I felt immense regret in that moment. I should have written back. It is possible it would not have made a difference if I did, or even that it could have opened me up to further abuse. I don’t believe my acceptance would have changed their overall fate. I’m not that vain. But it weighed on me nonetheless. Still does, to some extent.

In therapy, I was told there was nothing to learn from this moment. I kinda hate that. I’m not a spiritual person, but I don’t like the idea that these things happen and there’s just nothing to take away from it. So instead, I choose to believe that the lesson here is that grace can be granted, but guarded- and still be worthwhile.

...and that at this new age, there are no guarantees of a next time. Because people will break and healing is a finite quality. Some things- many things, really- will break and stay broke, including people. Especially people.

With all that said, let’s come full circle to discuss Linkin Park once more. That’s what we’re here for, after all.

This year’s single that really leaped out at me was Leave Out All The Rest. 

The chorus feels eerily significant after the fact-

“When my time comes, Forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some  Reasons to be missed. Don’t resent me, And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory; Leave out all the rest.”

If that’s not the strongest possible directive on how to remember Chester and his music, I don’t know what is.