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letstalkaboutshtufff · 3 years

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A Bad Feeling Pt 2

Levi x reader

Pt 2 (Final part)

Pairing : Levi x Cadet reader

Warnings: mentions of attempted rape, mentions of injury, cursing, violence. 18+ only please

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Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments! You're all amazing! I did my best to write Levi not ooc, so please lemme know if I did an ok job. This chapter was hard to write so please lemme know what you think! Enjoy!

"Look at me" he was less angry now and more concerned. Because although he would never admit it. He cared for his team deeply and hated to see any of them hurt.

Knowing you couldn't disobey you sucked in a breath and slowly lifted your head up.

And when Levi's steel eyes met your teary ones they turned into one of shock.

Slowly his eyes travelled over your form. His eye brows furrowed at the grip marks that covered your chin. He looked down further and saw that both your wrists were red. His eyes travelled back up and his whole body froze when he saw the angry looking bruise peeking from under your collar.

He stood there in shock for a moment before snapping out it.

"Y/n.." he started slowly, almost gently.

"Tell me what happened" he clenched his jaw when he realized how scared you look. It did not sit well with him that a girl as strong as you ended up in this state.

Tell him?? I can't... Oro said that he would-!

"I-I c-can't" you closed your eyes feeling completely overwhelmed. Levi was going to be so angry with you, but you couldn't risk being expelled from the survey corps.

Had your eyes been open you would've seen the flash of concern that crossed his usually stoic features. Knowing he wouldnt get anywhere with you in that state he asked you to follow him. Not knowing what else to do you did...

************************************

Silently he led you to a room you had never seen before. It was neat and organized, and off to the side you saw a small stove and sink.

You were so out of it, the shock taking over that you didnt even remember being sat down at a small table.

You stared at the wood in silence, listening to some clanging around you for several minutes but snapped out of it when a small plate and tea cup full of something steaming and sweet smelling was put in front of you.

Wordlessly you looked up at your captain who took a seat near you, but far away enough not to add to your nervousness.

"Drink, it'll help" he ordered quietly. And so you did. You both sat in silence until the last drop was gone. You thought he would yell at the clattering noise your cup made every time your shakey hands grabbed it but he didnt. He sat there quiet and silent.

When you were done you let out a small thank you. You felt a tiny bit less shakey but no where near relaxed. How could you be?

Levi silently took the cup, and deposited it in the sink.

When he was finished, he made his way back to you and sat down.

"Y/n, I know you don't wanna talk, but I need to know what happened" he started calmly.

You looked into his eyes and saw that he was patient and not at all angry.

Could you tell him the truth? Oro said that he would ruin your future but if you told captain Levi, would he protect you? Despite his harsh demeanor you knew that Levi did care and protect his team when it came down to it. Even his harsh disciplines were usually for the best. Even if we couldn't see it.

But even so...Oro is his friend... way longer than I've been his cadet...what if I tell him and he talks to Oro and oro tells him something else that he believes over me.

Levi noticed the hitch in your breath and tried to calm you down once more, "Listen to me y/n, Its my job to look out for you, you're safe now" he promised gently, well as gently as he levi could be) you looked and saw sincerety in his orbs. Your mouth formed the shape to speak. But you still were not able.

"If you're not able to tell me what happened yet, I need you to at least give me a name" he tried to reason. You couldn't believe how calm and patient he was being with you. You so desperately wanted to tell him. But you were terrified.

"I-I'm afraid.." you admitted quietly in shame..

Levi felt anger rise within him, not at you no, but at whoever made you like this. He'd seen you take down titans like it was playtime at school. And now you were shaking like a leaf afraid of something he still had no idea what/who caused this.

"Like I said you're safe now-"

" Thats not.." you cut him off, "I-I'm afraid you won't take.... my side.." you admitted as a fresh set of tears ran down your face.

His eyes widened a little at this, did you not trust him?

"Y/n, listen to me" he waited until you raised your teary eyes up to meet his once more.

"You have proven yourself to be nothing but trustworthy during your time as my cadet. You have my word that no matter what you say, I will believe you" he said with finality.

And that was all you needed to hear to unlock the fear that held you back.

"Oro" you whispered.

His eyes widened in utter shock before turning into quiet rage.

"Oro did this.."

************************************

Levi did a remarkable job of holding in his emotions as you told him what happened. You didn't do it all at once. You kept having to pause to collect yourself. And some things were harder to say than others. But slowly you told him everything, his words and what he did.

The whole time you couldn't bring yourself to look at him. Afraid of what emotions his face held. But when you were finished and he stood up, you couldn't help but steal a glance.

You sucked in a breath.

*Ok small teeny tiny spoiler in the next paragraph from season 3*

The last time you witnessed levi in that state was when he fought the beast titan. His body was eerily calm, but his eyes. His eyes held death.

"Stay here" and with that he was gone and you were alone...

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It was torture waiting in that room. What was he going to do? The anxiety of waiting and doing nothing was killing you.

The panic mixed with exhaustion was such a strange feeling to you. Your mind was racing but your body felt on the verge on collapse.

Sighing you threw your head on the table and tucked your arms underneath.

You couldn't help but let your eyes droop.

You were somewhere between a light sleep and a deep one when the click of a door opening made you jolt awake.

"Heichou.." you went to stand but he motioned for you to stay put. To be honest you weren't sure you could stay upright. It felt like you had been thrown off a roof.

"W-what happened?" You couldn't wait another second before asking.

He stared at you for a moment, much more calm than when he had left earlier. "It's taken care of" he said finally.

You waited a few seconds for him to continue but he didn't.

"Um, by taken care of you mean...?" you nervously fidgeted with your hands.

He sighed and walked over to a nearby cabinet, not facing you he replied, "I mean that bastard won't be bothering you or anyone else anymore" you were slightly frustrated by his lack of elaboration.

Before you could press any further he turned around and cut you off, "Forget about it now, we can discuss it in the morning." You nodded hesitantly although all you wanted was some answers.

It was then you noticed that Levi was holding a small med kit in his hands. Before you knew it, he was sitting next to you, scooting the chair slightly closer.

"Hand" you stared blankly at the outstretched hand for a moment in confusion.

Whats he?... oh!

You snapped out of it not wanting to annoy him after all he had done for you by taking too long.

And despite the situation, you somehow found the capacity to still blush like a school girl when his soft hands gripped yours with surprising gentleness.

A comfortable silence filled the room as he got to work tending to your wrists. With more care than you thought he was capable he applied a cool ointment and wrapped them delicately.

You didnt even realize you were crying until you saw a fat tear plop onto the table. Levi looked up at you, pausing his movements.

"S-sorry! I didn't mean to-sorry..."you babbled embarrassed, your words not really making sense. You suddenly felt bad for putting him through all this. And now you couldn't even stop crying like an idiot.

You squeezed your eyes trying to stop the flow, but for some reason you couldn't stop. All the panic and relief caused you to feel so overwhelmed you couldn't help but let it all out. You also couldn't help but to keep apologizing over and over.

"Don't apologize.." your breath hitched at the quiet kindness in his voice. He had surprised you at least 20 times tonight by how gentle he was being. You slowly opened your eyes letting the tears fall freely. It was like the floodgates had opened, "heichou..." you swiped a hand over trying to quell the tears, "thank you" you sobbed out sincerely, not holding back.

And for the 21 time that night you were in utter disbelief when Captain Levi, the cold hearted, sadistic, cruel leader of the survey corps turned in his chair, facing opposite of you, reached a hand over to cradle your head and pulled you into his shoulder.

"It's alright y/n...its alright..." he whispered holding you close. Your wide eyes eventually closed and you clutched the arm cradling you. It was warm and safe and secure, and your heart filled with happiness, because despite everything that had happened, you knew you always could trust him, and maybe it was selfish to think this but a part of you believed that out of everyone on his squad, he only had showed this kindness to you.

************************************

The next morning as you made your way into the hall for breakfast. You couldn't help but feel everything was a bit too normal. Despite your fears, people weren't whispering about you, or giving you looks.

Sighing you found your usual spot by Sasha and Mikasa. Luckily the Mark's on your chin had lessened enough to where you could pass it off as a "I fell out of be and hit my chin on the floor" kinda thing.

After some time the boys joined as well,

"Ne did you guys hear?!" Armin exclaimed suddenly as he placed his tray down.

"Hear what?" Eren asked chewing on a piece of bread.

"About Captain Oro!" At that you felt your heart skip a beat.

Shit, what had he heard?

"What about him?" He asked raising a eyebrow.

"He was arrested!"

"What?!"

"No way!"

"There's no way!" They all were in shock.

"Its true!" He exclaimed.

"I was on my way to deliver some things to Hange-San when I saw him get dragged away by the police! And get this, he was all bloody and bruised! Like he had just been in a fight or something! They were practically carrying him!"

What?! Did Captain Levi...?!?

"Why was he arrested??" Mikasa chimed in.

"I don't know, I asked around but no one seems to know anything.."

"Huh, weird.. I wonder what happend" one of them responded.

One day you would tell them what happened but for now you decided to keep quiet.

Suddenly a flash of raven hair caught your attention. You spotted the captain making his way to Hanges table across the room. When he caught your gaze you couldn't help the small rush of heat and found your lips pulling up into a grateful smile.

He nodded simply and continued on.

Despite everything people said about him, he truly was a good person. And you couldn't help but feel a little giddy at the thought that he beat up Oro because he hurt you.

You still felt the rush of heat at the memories of last night and how he held you. After your cries had quieted down he escorted you to your room and told you to get some sleep.

You thanked him again and that was that. All night all you could think about was- well of course everything that happened- but also, the gentle way Levi tended to your wrists, the way he held your head close, the way he smelled up close the way-

"Hey y/n?" Jean leaned over with an eyebrow quirked.

"Y-yeah?"

"Why are you so red?"

Shit

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And that's the end! I hope the ending was everything you guys were hoping for, thank you all for taking the time to read it. I hope Levi didn't seem to ooc. Until next time!

@justanotherlifeff @fangirlingonrhys @haikoo @peculiarinsomniac @charlie-rose-thegay @babyshinso28 @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl @eleventhdoctorsangel @cravrat @hawkssnugget @kimbapkidding1004 @xruna @huffelpuffers @sofflepoffle @sunisenpai @kuromihomii @deadcalmlol @smokeychan1216

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seijch · 3 years

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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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winterrose42 · 4 years

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Tagged by: @brittleconscience Thanks for tagging me! I never really get sent these things so it threw me off a bit, but it looks fun so let's do it!

Nickname: nobody but my extended family has ever tried giving me a nickname. My real name is not something I feel needs to be shortened especially since the only reason they do it is because they think my reall name is ridiculous, so I refuse nicknames on all accounts. I use WinterRose as my online name though so I guess that could be it?

Real Name: segways are weird, anyway. My real life name is Pandora.

Zodiac: before this I didnt know there was a difference in astral signs (sun, moon, rising, ect) so it was interesting to look up. I'm still not sure I understand it but I dug a bit and my sun sign is Virgo while my moon sign is Pisces.

Currently Reading: Paperback-If There be Thorns by V.C. Andrews. AO3 Wips-so many but the main ones right now are The Voice by andrhars, Innerworks by Prplzorua and 'til Death Do Us Part (and that moment cant come soon enough) by princessoftheives (@hylianfury on tumblr). Completed works: What Makes a Hero by Selphie Kinneas 175 on fanfiction.net and The Glass Gemstone by HJ_Fotemr on AO3. ...I read so much fanfiction.

Fave Music and Groups: So. Much. Music. How do I pick? Muse, Queens of the Stone Age, anything Mark Lanegan and anything Thomas Sanders creates is a staple. Um...other than that I'm not really picky with music, I pretty much listen to anything, but when my anxiety's bad I like music with a lot of instrumental layers because I can pick apart all the different pieces to shut my brain up a little. I also really love musicals so theres those too. Currently I'm obsessed with Elizaveta's Dreamer (those high notes, ooooh) and I Do Adore by Mindy Gledhill because it's cute and happy.

Sports: I dont really watch sports but in school I loved playing them in gym! My favorite was street hockey and kickball.

Other Blogs: I post art and my current WIP on my side blog @paper-and-whiskers

Get Asks?- I dont get them often on either blog, but as long as they arent inappropriate I always answer them and they're always welcome!

Blogs I Follow: 860

Tumblr crush: *insert that's a trap gif here*

Lucky Number: 7 and 9

What Am I Wearing- ...what the hell but also meh what the hell. At the moment boxers, a Breath of the Wild tshirt, a hand-modified space and skull jacket and iridescent skeleton hand burretts. Clearly the epitome of fashion.

Dream Vacation: It would depend on if I was going with someone or not. If I was with someone anywhere we could hang out in peace and not have to worry about anything would be nice. By myself honestly either holed up in my house with no future social engagements or being allowed to hike through some woods to explore would be amazing.

Dream car: anything that works, preferably with low mileage. (I think that's a good thing with cars, not really sure). Honestly though, I wouldnt do it, but I've always had a vision of getting a huge hillbilly truck bc the image of me, a five foot one inch obvious nerd hopping down from some monster of a road roller is hilarious to me.

Fave food: CAKE!!! Any desert really, but cake all the way. My favorite comfort food however is instant mashed potatoes with butter or seasoned butter noodles.

Drink of Choice: Forever the sleep deprived insomniac I live for anything caffeine, but usually I only drink water and apple juice when it's in the house. These three, they are the liquid of the gods.

Instrument: I've been picking up and putting down guitar for years now, I dont quite have the finger coordination yet and I'm not good at self teaching so i still suck. I can sing though and love doing so. I used to play a bit of piano but I was self taught with that too and havent touched one for years so I probably forgot everything.

Language: English. I'm trying to learn ASL and I took a year of Spanish in high school but heck if I remember anything.

Celeb crush: Daniel Radcliff and Elijah Wood have been my crushes since I was little XD Awkwafina is a recent one.

Random Fact: I'm allergic to any and all metal. My skin will eat through rings and rust necklace chains. I didnt realize this until I worked at an industrial chem plant where industrial grade metal mixtures were used for plating and my hands and arms broke out in an itchy rash that would occasionally burst open and bleed. Since working there the allergy only got worse and now all my jewelry has to be replaced with string because otherwise it doesn't last.

I'm not really sure about tagging people so I'm only doing it with people I notice interact with my blog the most, with a couple exceptions. Sorry in advance if I bother you!

Only if you want!: @animatedtrash4 @edgykoalagod @young-and-depressed-me @grievous-doodles @jtem @dontforgetoctober3rd @lunapics @hylianfury @chained-to-the-mirror

#tagged #20 questions

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bechloetoxicgirls · 4 years

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Canyon Moon Chapter 1

Fat Amy POV: I walked out of my car with Beca behind me. I had on my sunglasses and I put my hand over my face to block the hot sun from my eyes. “This is it girls,” I said as three more girls rose from the car behind me. Jessica and Ashley rolled out of the trunk groaning. “This is pretty cool, I guess” said Beca half-heartedly. Beca had been really upset upon receiving the invitation to Chloe and Chicago’s wedding and all of us had been named bridesmaids. To everyone’s surprise, Aubrey was the maid of honor and not Beca which only made things more awkward between Chloe and Beca. When they were in college and afterwards too they were roommates. I noticed how close they were so I gave them plenty of room to hang out but once Chloe started dating Chicago, things got tense and Beca started distancing herself from Chloe. Chloe’s invitation came out of the blue in sparkly pink handwriting. I pretended not to notice that night when I heard Beca’s sobs.

“This is a really nice spot 👌 for a wedding,” said Jessica. “Though it is hot as hell!”

“Yeah”, replied Ashley, “but not as hot as Chicago! I can see why Chloe picked him!”

Unfortunately, this was when Beca chose to walk into the conversation. She winced at the mention of Chicago’s name and stared despondently into the distance.

Beca POV

I’ve been dreading this day. Chloe is going to marry a dimwitted airhead because like all straight girls, her taste is absolute garbage. She probably thinks young Joe Biden is hot. I just hope that I can hold it together during the ceremony. Thank God Chloe asked Aubrey to be the maid of honor. I don’t think I could take it, having to give a toast to their happy future when all I really want to toast to is my marriage with her. I’m not even sure if I can stand being a bridesmaid. (I’ll just have to channel my inner Taylor Swift and pretend to be straight.)

I am 5'10 suck it lindsey <becqa is like 5’ 2”>fake news probably from salty lindsey

“Ready to go?” Asked Amy, “we’re grabbing lunch with Chloe and the rest of the gurlz at Chipotle”

I snapped out of my reverie to reply, “sure, yeah, sounds good,” but my mind was still filled with thoughts of chloe.

Chloe POV

I take a deep breath before walking into the restaurant. This is the first time all the girlz are together in 3 years and I don’t know what to expect. Mostly, I was worried about Beca. She’s grown more and more distant over the past few years, despite my constant texts and invitations to meet up. After I announced my engagement, she stopped replying at all, so I had to choose Aubrey as my maid of honor, which has gone exactly the way I expected. COMPLETE bridezilla.

Someone clears their throat behind my and I jump, realizing I’m blocking the door. I skitter like a rat out of the way, apologizing, but the person doesn’t move. I finally look up and see Beca staring at me.

“Hey” Beca mutters and pushes past me.

“Hewwo?” I call after her, confused. Is she mad at me?

Before I can run after her, Aubrey appears next to me so suddenly I feel sure that she has teleported and it makes me jump.

“Why aren’t you getting ready for the rehearsal dinner?” She asks me forcefully. “I specifically told you half an hour ago to go to your room and change because the dinner will be starting at any moment but you’ve just been standing here lingering by the door.” I wasn’t processing what she was saying because my thoughts were elsewhere but I made out that I was supposed to go to my room.

I went to my hotel room across the street with my head filled with the way Beca had just brushed past me like I didn’t even matter. When I got back to my room, I laid down on my bed and cried until my head hurt and I was exhausted. I let my eyes close and allowed myself to forget about Beca in my dreams. Or so I thought.

It’s the day of the wedding. I look in the mirror and sigh. Yes, I look stunning and my hot bod fits perfectly in my dress, but it’s for the wrong person. Chicago is great, but I just don’t feel passionate about him. All our conversations feel like small talk.

“Ready?! You have to hurry, the wedding is starting!” Aubrey screeched. I rubbed my ears(which are quickly losing their use to her obnoxious voice) and got up. I resisted a last look in the mirror-I didn’t need to see my miserable expression again-and headed out of the room.

As I walked to the hall(what’s the main part of a church called? I know i’m a fake christian), I tried to amp myself up. This wouldn’t be so bad. I need to get over Beca anyways, she’s happy with tort boi, sad as that makes me. Chicago is loving and kind and he loves me, and as for me, well, I’ll just fake it till I make it. I walked down the aisle oblivious to my surroundings, but when I looked up at my groom, Beca was there, looking gorgeous in a tailored dress. She always did have good taste.

“Why are you here? Where’s Chicago?” I asked, stunned into oblivion.

“Why would you need him? You know I’m all you need. We are aca-perfect,” she replied, her voice soothing. Too soothing. And since when was Beca so forthright and mystical? I opened my mouth to jumble together a response, but all that came out was

“Chloe! You are drooling all over my bed! Nap on your side, puh-leAse!”

Ugh. So it was a dream. Aubrey was still deafening though. I guess that’s the very essence of her soul.

“Anyways, you can’t be napping, you’re the woman of the hour! Tonight is the rehearsal wedding, and everything has to be perfect!” she snapped again, her pinched mouth reminiscent of a snapping turtle. Huh. Maybe she and Theoi should get together.

That line of thinking wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so, with a Herculean effort, I got out of bed, grimaced at the drooled-on pillow, and went to get ready.

Chicago POV

I can’t believe I’ve let it get this far. I mean who knew that when I saw a pretty girl touring with her failing a capella group, it would last this long? And now I don’t know how to get out. But I have to.

I threw off the sheets and rolled out of bed, shivering because Chloe had turned up the AC so high, but she didn’t even stay the night. Our hotel had lots of pictures (over 12) of the Grand Canyon, despite being an almost hour drive away. I tried to picture us saying our vows with the beautiful red rocks in the pictures behind us, but it just didn’t sit right. I knew I had to do something.

I took a quick piss outside (I don’t believe in modern plumbing), and decided to call Chloe.

She picked up the second time I called her, sounding half asleep even though it was already eleven.

“What?” She asked urgently, as though something was wrong.

“Uh, nothing, i was just wondering where you were since you didn’t come back last night.”

“Oh! I just, uh, decided to spend some time with the old gal pals. You know, catch up on life and stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Um… okay,” I said, even though I did understand, because she was just talking to her friends, “are you coming back soon? I kind of want to talk.”

“Yeah sure,” she responded, but seemed distracted by something (or someone) else, because she abruptly said, “catch you later,” and hung up.

I knew we had to talk about our future, because even though she was excited about the friends, and the food, and the planning, I felt, I knew, she was just a little bit less excited about me. This marriage was not going to end in divorce 6 months later if I could help it, so my options are call it off right now, or fake it till we make it. And I think the second option was going to be a little bit harder, so I decided the stronger one of us would have to do something (and I am stronger because I am in the army).

Beca POV

I can’t stop thinking about that moment with Chloe. Seeing her after so long, it all came back to me, no matter how much I’d tried to repress it. Her constant peppy texting had caused me a mental breakdown every time I got a notification. It got to be too much and I had to give her a random number from a burner phone to text instead, like I did with Theo. When I saw her at the restaurant I just froze and couldn’t speak. Also she yelled hewwo and I didnt like that.

Now I’m trying to get ready for the rehearsal dinner, but this dress is uuuuugly. I’m pretty sure Aubrey picked it out because she hates me more than usual recently. The dress is also really tight, too tight to breathe. I give up on making it look nice and cut it crudely down the front with scissors. Hopefully no one will notice. I see that I’m late for the dinner and run out of my room, straight into Theo, the turtle man.

“W.T.F.?!?! What are you doing here?” I demand, angry that he’s slowing me down.

“Woah, heh heh, why are you so worked up?”

I practice my Miss Congeniality self defense - Solar Plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin - and step over him curled up on the floor like a grub.

As I run away from his body on the ground, I turn a corner and run straight into a hotel attendant in the hallway. She staggers a little and almosts trips but I catch her by grabbing her arm to steady her. “Oh I’m so sorry!” I say and she smiles at me.

“That’s okay,” she says and I smile back. She frowns and says “are you okay?” I turn serious and say “ummm… yeah.. Why?”

“It’s just that your smile looks more like a grimace and your dress is all cut up,” and I flinch at because she was right and I wasn’t doing okay. “Do you have a minute? I ask and when she nods, I unload everything I had been feeling lately and about how I really felt about Chloe and how I really felt about this wedding.

“I am so sorry for you,” she said, placing her hand on my arm and rubbing it. “Do you need anything?”

“Actually, yeah,” I say hesitantly to her because I was worried my new friend would be scared off at my request. “Do you think you could walk me to my dinner?”

She smiles and says, “Of course,” Taking my hand, she says “I’m Sophia, by the way.”

“Beca” I say and we walk hand in hand down the hallway of the hotel.

Chloe POV

yeetmsaaaaaAAAaaa chaotic writer, i am, the universe’s power, i Have aaayyyyeeee

I’m at the rehearsal dinner, some snooty restaurant that Aubrey picked. You’d think she’s the one getting married, with the amount of planning she’s put into this. Annoying as she is, I cannot deny that she is dedicated to making my ‘best’ day perfect. Sadly, she can’t change the fact that the person I’m marrying is in no way perfect for me.

Don’t think like that, I reminded myself. You need to fake it till you make it.

“Chloe?” called Chicago, “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure-,” I replied halfheartedly, since Beca had just walked in with another girl. They were holding hands and looked friendly. Too friendly. Wasn’t she with Theo? Too many emotions flooded into my mind-sphere and I recoiled from the shock. Had they broken up? I repressed the joy I felt from that thought. It probably wasn’t true, and besides, she was with someone else anyways. But I always thought she was straight… No she was probably just friends with this girl, you know how normal american girlz act… But if she was with this girl, was she cheating on Theo? Should I let him know or let the relationship fall apart on its own? Was this a short fling? Would-

“Chloe! You all right?” asked Chicago, concerned. I shook my head, muttered a “yeah, fine” and followed him off to one of the changing rooms.

“Sorry about this, I wanted to talk somewhere… private,” he explained in a low tone.

Private? What was that supposed to mean? He wasn’t trying to…

“There’s no easy way to put this. But I… this isn’t working. And I’m sorry I’ve let our relationship get this far, but… It was so easy to get carried away. I just don’t feel passion for you,” Chicago said, his face a perfect picture of apology and shame.

Oh thank god, he wanted to break up. I let out a short laugh, which might have not been the best thing to do.

“Sorry,” I quickly replied, “It’s just… I’m relieved. I’ve been feeling the same way. It’s been a while since I’ve felt more than friendliness towards you. At least we didn’t get married yet!”

“Well what’re we gonna do? Call off the wedding obviously, but we’ve prepped so much!”

I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could get more than an “I aca-completely agree wi-” when Aubrey burst through the door. Jesus Mary and Joseph, she really couldn’t have had worse timing!

“Aca-excuse me?! What is going on here?! Do you seriously want to call off my perfectly planned wedding!!!” she shrieked, surely letting the whole wedding party hear our issues.

“Ahhhh!” I screamed at her. “Aubrey! I don’t have time for you to make this all about you! Just because you will never find someone who loves you doesn’t mean that you get to make this all about you!” Her face looked shocked and I stormed out of the restaurant.

I looked out in the horizon and saw the stunning view of the Grand Canyon beneath me. I had always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and had wanted all of my wedding pictures to have the stunning view in the background because I love nature and it was extraordinary that the Earth made this over thousands of years. Amazing. I wanted to get a closer look so I began to walk towards the canyon.

Soon, I heard footsteps following me and I turned to see Beca chasing after me. My stomach fluttered. She ran until she was about 6 feet away from me and we looked in each others’ eyes for what felt like five minutes. I was waiting for her to tell me she loves me but I knew she never would because she loved Theo or that girl she was holding hands with or something. Instead I said “Do you want to walk with me?” She nodded silently and we walked towards the canyon together.

When we finally reached it we stood at the edge overlooking it, staring at it in silence and then she turned to me and leaned in to kiss me. I was so scared that I staggered back and before I knew it I was falling, hitting tree after tree and rock after rock. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was Beca screaming “CHLOE!” and jumping in after me.

Follow me for updates and like if you have an opinion on it. Comment your criticisms and praise. I’m open to anything.

#bechloe #sendrick #anna kendrick #beca mitchell #chloe beale #brittany snow #pitch perfect #pitch perfect 2 #pitch perfect 3 #fan fic #fanfiction #fanfic #fan fiction #toxic #canyon moon #harry styles

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umbillicalnoose · 5 years

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i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

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imjustyouraveragenoone · 5 years

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why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did.

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues.

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place.

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles.

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know.

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it.

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU.

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve.

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now.

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels.

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kpurereactions · 6 years

Text

Im Here | Pt 1

A/N: So tomorrow i will be going under the knife for a much needed, much delayed neck surgery, So this will probably be one of my last posts for a week or two. Im prewriting a few things so if you see my name thats why, ill be resting though. Admin Fallen and Ru-Ri will be taking over, but i promise ill be monitoring things and possibly hopping on to talk to you guys every once in a while.

I love you all so so so so so much, Kitty

Pairing: Jaebum x Reader

Rating: Drama, Angst, Smut, Fluff WARNINGS: Language, Eventual Violence, Lots of Smut Later on

Part | Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 |

“You want to prove your loyalty to me. Hit her.”

Your eyes clenched and you bit your bottom lip. Out of all the things BamBam has done you couldn’t ever see him hitting you. You were half convince he wouldn’t until the sound of footsteps approaching you made you snap your head up. BamBam looked at you emotionless, one fist pressed hard into another. Your eyes began to dart and your bottom lip tremble. Your head shook and you started to squirm, his name coming from your lips in a soft and desperate way.

Once again he pressed his lips together before looking over to Pavliukov, who nodded. Your eyes darted back to BamBam who nodded once, clenched is jaw and then swung.

You sat up straight in bed, Your chest heaving and tears running down your cheeks. This always happened when you spent the night away from Jaebum, but with the amount of time you were spending way from your family you had to give them as much as a weekend every once in a while.

With your hands balled into fists you pressed them into your eye sockets, counting to yourself as you inhaled and exhaled, something Jaebum had you do when the terrors snuck up on you. A sticky groan left your voice when you finally caught your breath and you sniffled into the back of your hand. It always made you hate yourself with how weak you got.

You let your bare feet hit the wood of your childhood bedroom and your hands instantly went to your house coat you kept on the nob of the door. Well, Jaebum’s. Since your parents still didnt know about your relationship with him he couldn't come with you. So his thin, dark blue robe was the easiest way to bring him along. You sighed deeply again and wiped your face one last time before opening the door and heading down to the kitchen.

Coffee. You thought. That was all you needed right now, but as you made your way to the kitchen the sound of voices made you slow down. Even stop to think about whether you wanted to deal with your family for the next half hour you'd be there.

“Good morning honey!” You mom called as you walked slowly into the kitchen.

“Morning mom.” You sniffled, your voice still really sticky.

“Oh, darling. Were you crying? You look awful!” She said setting a full cup down in front of you.

“No, I think I'm getting sick and I wasn't able to sleep all night.” You lied.

“Should you go into work today?” Your dad now chimed in.

“Its fine, one of the guys is probably the reason I'm sick. Its their own fault. But I’ll take precautions.” You said smiling sadly at them before reaching into the draw that was in front of you to grab a handful of plastic gloves and masks.

The next thirty minutes seemed to drag on before Yugyeom and Jackson were showing up to your door with bright smiles.

“Another nightmare?” Yugyeom whispered into your ear as your mother hugged both boys and handed them the ‘extra’ sides she always seemed to have for them.

“Do I look that bad?” You asked pulling the mask down slightly so your words weren't too muffled.

You chuckled lightly as he smiled and held his fore finger and thumb up to indicate a little bit.

The car ride back to the house was quiet, not that there was rally anything to be said since the only exciting thing that happened was your nightmare of BamBam once again beating you up. You couldn't help but smile though. The longer you were in the car the closer you got to jaebum and you couldn't wait to wrap your arms around his waist and bury your nose into his chest.

Your smile widened as you rolled up to the house. It was Christmas time and you threw a small fit just to make Jaebum laugh the other day about there not being any decorations anywhere. Or at least there wasn't. The large house was now decorated with soft white lights around every window and a large christmas tree that had yet to be decorated sat in the front window.

“You guys were busy.” You teased, imagining how much they must have complained about being made to do this.

“You actually think Jaebum let us do this? No, he hired someone.” Jackson said making you chuckle.

Just like every time you returned home everyone seemed to be waiting for you. The moment you walked through the door you pulled the mask off and held your arms out to walk into Jaebums chest. He held you tightly, the feeling of his lips pressing repeatedly over the top of your head making you take a deep breath in and relax.

“Boys said you had another rough night.” Jaebum said, the other boys who had smiled and waved at you once you looked up shifted slightly as you nodded.

“The usual BamBam and his fists.” You tried to say nonchalantly so no one would think you woke up in tears, but the way they all shifted uncomfortably and looked at one another you could tell they knew better than to believe your attitude.

“Don't worry, it only happens when I’m away from you guys.” You said pinching Youngjaes cheek as you walked past him and into the kitchen, tossing your coat off to the side for one of them to catch. But no one laughed this time you did it.

You waited a minute for them to follow you into the kitchen but no one seemed to be coming. So you called out asking what they wanted. Still no answer. Wiping your freshly washed hands on your apron you walked back out to the foyer to see them all huddled around talking in hushed tones, Jaebum trying to yell at them as quietly as possible.

“Um, guys?” You said raising an eyebrow, laughing slightly as they all jumped and turned your way. “What did you guys want for brunch?

It didnt take you long to make the same Omelette you made every morning you came back from your families house. The conversation in the kitchen was light, thankfully nothing to big seemed to have happened over the weekend. Usually the boys bombarded you with conversations about who did what and who said this. It was strange, but not that strange. You were just happy to be home.

With breakfast done for everyone you realized you had still yet to go to the bathroom that morning, so with a quick peck to Jaebums cheek you excused yourself and ran into the nearest toilet.

Your mind was blank, all the troubles of the morning had seemed to wash away as you patted your face dry, you did look a little rough from this morning, but it was all okay. There was no one there to-

Pressed up against the wall right outside the bathroom door was a crumpled piece of red cloth. You rubbed your hands together once and looked down the hallway before bending down, your heartbeat increasing quickly as you got closer to it. You reached out a slightly shaking hand to take ahold of it, why you were shaking you didnt know.

But then you flipped it over and smoothed it out.

In airy script a black B.B was sewn into the soft blood red material. You breath quickened as you looked at it, who could this belong to? Definitely not...

Even the thought of the possibility made it feel like 1000 pounds had just been dropped on your chest. There was no way this belonged to him, but how could it not? Anger then started to rise in you. How could they keep something like this in the house? After everything he did to betray them, how could they keep something like just lying around for you to see.

Tears started to run down your face as you tried to pull it apart, the smell of his cologne fresh on the material making your heat beat faster as panic began to set in. You were on your knees now, one hand propping yourself up as everything began to go week, The sound of your breaking bones echoing in the back of your mind as the disgusted looking face of BamBam you got through glimps as his punched you to black out flooded the backs of your eye lids.

Your breathing became staggered and loud as the oxygen left your body due to the panic that had set in. You were able to rock yourself back till your body pressed against the wall. Your arms wrapped around your now bent knees and your head tucked between them as you tried to talk yourself down, the pocket square still clenched in your fist.

It wasn't working. The more you breathed the harder it got to suck air into your throat. Your mind screamed and your body shook until you were able to get one loud gasp out of your body, finally allowing air to run to your brain.

You could hear your name being called from down the hall. It was feint due to the pressing feeling in your brain, but you could hear it and soon the feeling of someones arms wrapping tightly around you and a much louder ‘Jaebum!’ could be heard.

“Bam..” You hiccuped though the tears. His fingers traced over your swollen jaw before Pavliukov voice brought you two back.

“Why you protect? Huh! Who side you on?” He yelled and even though you couldn’t see him you knew that there was spit flying out of his mouth.

“Im not protecting anything other than you. If you were to continue you’d be dead.” He said with a stern look.

“You’re on our side? Prove it then.” He growled and soon BamBam was standing up to come eye to eye with Pavliukov.

You whimpered as Pavliukov threw instructions at his men and you were soon being yanked up and thrown into a chair, a painful yell running through you as your hair was bing used as a leaver to pull you up. You bore your teeth in almost a triumphant way as you watched BamBam press his lips together, obviously uncomfortable with the way you were being treated.

“You think you can tell me what to do? You think because you brought me this you can tell me what to do?” He said, his voice getting louder and louder with every word.

“And I’m the reason your plan will work so the least you can do is respect me when I say Enough.” BamBam said standing taller.

“Fine. If I can’t relieve myself, Ill just have to relieve myself.” He said before swinging around and landing a punch in your stomach causing you to lurch forward. Before you could groan another blow was sent into the sore corner of your jaw.

You cried out and coughed blood again and in hope that it would make them leave you alone you let your eyes flutter shut and your head roll forward.

“You want to prove your loyalty to me. Hit her.”

"I thought I told you she wasn't fucking ready!” You heard Jaebum quietly yell. Your eyes softly fluttered open to see his back to you and his nose practically against Marks as he yelled at both him and Jackson.

“We didnt say anything, Boss!” Jackson softly yelled back.

“She found this, you IDIOT!.” He yelled a bit louder making you close your eyes again, your heart starting to beat again a little too fast. “Which means you brought him here!”

Your eyes snapped open. He was here? He was alive? You tried to sit up but the pressure on your chest of being swaddled in the blankets surrounding you made it hard to move and your heart to explode again.

“Jaebum!” You softly whimpered trying to get loose.

You watched as his face drained, knowing you had heard him. In stead of letting it get to him he released you from the blankets and helped you sit up, taking your cheeks between his hands softly, instantly calming you down.

“Out.” He said softly to the two boys, his head cocking along with the motion.

“Come here.” He whispered once they left.

His shoes slipped off and he crawled into the bed with you, pulling you tightly to his chest. He didnt say anything as his hand firmly rubbed your arm, but you knew its because he didnt know what to say, not because he thought you needed the quiet. So you started.

“So he's alive.” You sniffed, noticing that you had started to cry again.

“Yes.”

“I thought you said he was gone.” You whispered with a shiver as a child ran down your spine. He obviously felt it since his arm wrapped tighter round you.

“So did I.”

“You said you killed him.” You said even smaller, not even trying to hide the fact that you were crying now.

“I thought the damage I did to him would kill him. And I figured that if it didn't when Jiyong figured out he squealed he'd definitely do it.” He confessed through a deep sigh. He really hated talking about murdering anyone with you.

You punched his chest slightly and wiped away a tear.

“What is the one thing you drill into everyone.” You said punching him slightly again.

“Always finish the job, leave nothing undone behind.” you quoted, punching him again, but this time he was quick to catch your wrist.

You watched as his hand softened slightly while moving up your hand till your fingers were all intertwined with his. He sighed as he thought of the right words to say. He knew you were right. He loved it when you were right.

“It was a moment of weakness. I should have had the mentality that he'd rather die then betray me and since he betrayed me, he should be okay to die. But i didn't. The moment I saw him I saw my best friend for 20 years. I saw the kid who was left on my home’s doorstep because his family wanted money more then him and I faltered.”

“Did you see him?” You asked quietly. You might as well hear this all now.

“No. He found Yugyeom one night while he was patrolling and talked to him. I didn't even know they brought him to the house till today. He was here to see if he could ask for forgiveness.”

“Are you going to forgive him?” You asked. He paused for a minute letting you think about what happens if he did. Could you forgive him?

“My love,” Jaebum said tilting your chin upwards. “You can't even see something that reminds you of him without having a panic attack. Why would I forgive him?”

“Like you said, he's been your closest friend for 20 years.” You said shifting yourself slightly so you could see him better. “ I just want you to know, if you want to forgive him, it'll take some time but I will forgive him too.” You whispered sniffling once.

You watched as his lips pressed together into a straight line before he let out a soft breath.

“Lets have this conversation later okay?” He said softly, watching as you nodded.

You snuggled into his chest once again before his finger lifted your chin up so he could place his lips gently against yours. He held you like that for a minute before letting you go so he could change out of the restricting suit he was wearing. But his arms quickly found you again as he snuggled you both deeper under the blankets.

“Im never going to let you go ever again, I hope you know that.” He said puling you in even closer to him while you giggle softly.

“I hope not”

#got7 #got7 mafia #got7 mafia au #Jaebum #Jaebum mafia #Jaebum Mafia au #Im Jaebum #Im Jaebum Mafia #Im Jaebum Mafia au

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realdeadlovin · 3 years

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my journaling from the beach:

BLah blah. I'm typing this on the roof/balcony of our airbnb in cholla bay. I wish I could go to sleep, I was so tired all day, but my brain is unhappy and wound up in a way that I know would not equal success at falling asleep. especially next to brian. blah blah. i suppose its not surprising that like all of today was just immediately pretending everything was fine between us and not acknowleding that anything had happened. and the frustrating part is that like I don't have any drive or incentive to bring it up anyways because there is no space of valuable procssing for us. the only thing to discuss is how to incorporate teh understanding that (once again, but more firmly this time) nothing will ever work between us, this will keep happening and probably getting worse, It turns out even after that debacle I still like and want to be affectionate iwth brian and it makes me feel sad and lonely to consider breaking off what we've had going on, but also we're lucky enough we've gotten this far without hating each other and maybe we shouldn't press our luck. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is now but that's what's ahead of us to figure out (ending things, how, when?) and I don't want to do that when he's sitll here for a few more days. so I want to be able to I guess "have fun" but it's also hard and feels bad we have to just ignore shit to not have it be horrible.

I lost a lot of trust in brian last night. I knew // was (re?) learning that he has the emotional maturity of a ten year old if that, but it just felt more pointed and personal last night.

he brought up with me sleeping with nick in a snide way, and that struck a nerve and triggered bad feelings in me. yes i was drunk. I wasn't actually mad at brian for that I just wanted to cry a little and procss that that actually was a bad memory. brian does know that it wasn't something that I feel good about and that I had some difficult/ hurt feelings about nick after that incident coupled with others. but i wasn't in that moment mad at his insensitivity I just wanted to step away and have feelings. which seemed fine at first, he came out and was affectionate. but i guess when that didn't fix things right away he couldn't handle it. he said "i feel weird" and got out of bed and then literally threatened to leave the next day. I don't think I can forgive him for that ever. it also just seems so bizarre in the universe when what i've been talking about in therapy is literally like emotional trauma stemming from fearing my mother we going ot leave me (and her in fact leaving my bed) because of me crying. I also had literally iterated to brian multiple times that it wasn't about him, i wasn't mad at him, but apparently what wigged him out so much was a feeling that i was mad at him. but this is what i've already been noticing in brian, he just does not have that ability whatsoever to understand that his emotions/ anxieties/ insecurities are not a blanket excuse for shitty behavior and he needs to be able to take some ownership.

and so the irony is not lost on me tonight that he started having intense, difficult to articulate anxiety / emotions. despite being occasionally affectionate with me (as I also was with him last night) he was also distant, quiet, regularly not looking at or speaking ot me and like standing/walking separately..... he also expressed that his anxiety was related to how much money he is spending on this trip, which also does kinda sting cause it feels like his anxiety is like, that he came to see me, which makes me feel bad and kinda upset, but I wouldn't in one million years I think even if I was very drunk think of yelling at and berating him the same way, being like "well did you ever stop to think maybe i feel like youre mad at me // or blablabla" when I know he's having hard emotions and such. of course i didn't threaten to leave. though I did, I admit and I dind't like feeling this way either, feel quite petty and like "oh ok so you're allowe to have like your own hard emotoinal experience near me but I'm not" or whatever. I wante dot passive aggressively be like, ok well I can't tell if youre mad at me so I'm going to leave tomorrow bye" or whatever. but, I didn't, I sucked it up and although I think I would have been a better suppor had I not been feeling that way I still tried, took us on a walk, hugged him, etc. I dunno bla. not to e all, "regreT" by fiona apple.

I want to tell him I've lost trust in him in an irreparable way, that wasn't just another drunk argument we can forget about and move on from. thsi is the signal that it's time to find a way out of this, I don't htink I can ever be emotionally supported or safe with him in the way I would need, even though I know we aren't saying tghis is a "relationship" or whatever it isn't isn't, "casual." I don't know what would happen to our friendship. I also, even as I write this, wonder if I will actually end this or extricate myself. I'm definitely going to tell him the harm was real from that fight, but maybe after he leaves, I don't know. it'd hard becuase I feel like reopening this conversation would just make the rest of hte trip awful and hard and not even like, in a productive way which is the thing with him is that processing is never processing, it never gets us anywhere at all unless its deeper in a hole of shit. some things I can decide to just move on from and forget even though I still feel that twinge of unresolved anger.... this is bigger than that. um, so yeah, I guess if he wants to keep pretending things are fine with us I'll just go along with it and have as much fun as we can until he leaves and we can safetly idk email or wahtever from a distance. I mean, I won't lie. I also, unfortunately...? still really like touching him, and am attracted to him. this morning I really wanted to have sex with him and like, I felt that maybe it would be fucked up to go towards that after the night we had without acknowledging it, but then was glad he intiated that. I mean.. I think the sex was mutually initiated but, initiated the, being touchy. that was me having his imaginary voice in my head arguing with me about him having initiated it. bla. i wonder if his affected today has just been coming from that fear-of-losing-me place or if he just things that what happened last night was kinda run of the mill for us.. I mean I don't htink he would be surprised if I said it wasn't but yea.

oh but what I was saying, I dont know, it also just feels sooooo lonely and sad, the prospet of going back from like having a constant preson that I love to talk to to not having anything even close to that, especially when life is also already lonely and such. both for like having the constant like, validation, and like, "company" even thought virtual.. like no tjust living alne with my thoughts all day evey day.. but I'm worried right now I'm just going to fall back into the "good" parts of this and not have it in me to break away. and i guess my fear then is something similar or worse will just happen agian that will actually result in us hating each other // me not wanting to talk to him or see him again, etc. I think we could get away without that now, but I don't know. I mean I think we could definitely get out of this without hatred but could we transition back into a friendship where we actually talk and are in each others lives? at least in the near future (not like years down the road)? I dont know.....

I wonder if brian will ever really heal or understand even waht the problem is here. I understand that maybe some percentage of this is like us just having different emotoinal realities and struggles and such but I feel really firm in that what I'm expecting is vey reasonable, not just like me personally but of anyone who is suppsoe to care abotu and be in relationship with another person. I miss having it, I fucking miss dating someone who like hard hard hard things came up, but we understand and respected each otehrs needs and ways of communicating and working through stuff together actually gets you somewhere. i didnt have that with semra either. but semra was emotionally abusive. wolford and I really had that. I mean like sophie and I do in terms of our friendship. yea. is it more rare than I realize? I mean, I guess also I think lore and I have that, though I sometimes and like nervous ot bring up issues I have with her. when I do she listens and we hear each other and we are in a better place afterwards for it. I do think I have that model of like communication and how conflict and be like a good/ supportive thing in a relationships that helps it deepen and grow. mabye brian hasn't like had that modeled, idk, it just seems like he deeply cant' handle hard emotions, from me maybe in particular i dunno, cause he can't see past how they make him feel threatened or insecure or whatever. and then this thing about like " I don't wanna rehash that" when its like we never even really talked about it or figured anything out. we can nevre figure anything out. maybe were just different and he finds me so very "hard to read" and he can "read" other people more easily and thus feels less uncertain and insecure. maybe. but then yea so why are we together.

anyways I think I've written eveything I wanted to and I feel less like crying, still very unclear on if I feel like sleep is an option for me anytime soon. I sorta wish we hadn't had to switch to the one-room airbnb, I would like to go inside and read on a couch until I can crawl in bed it feels that would be distracting to him or like just not as easy as at the other place. sure am glad I don't like in a studio apartment with another person lol.

but, I also have to pee... thought here are bathrooms on thsi patio.. and the wind is picking up so I'll go inside, I really think it would be great to get good sleep tonight but alas

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musherum · 7 years

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long post -/ cael talks about her new asthma medication and recent Realizations

honestly? im noticing a lot of improvement since i started the new medication. its a corticosteroid, which is a kind of drug that is exclusively for treating constrictive asthma. there are two different types of asthma, see: theres inflammatory, which responds well to treatment with ventalin, the most common inhaler which provides immediate, “emergency” relief when you have an attack of inflammatory asthma, and theres constrictive, which doesnt respond to it at all. this was the “missing link” i was looking for. i didnt know about the medication requirements for that form of asthma until a few days ago when i had a major attack of constrictive asthma.

it.... took me a lot to finally say to my mum “i need to go to a doctor. i am having a lot of trouble breathing, and i cannot function. i know this cannot be normal.” it took even more, though, to say to her that i needed to stay home that day, and miss the GED class im taking - even though the day before was the first session. my mom has screamed at me and called me a failure and an idiot before, when she caught me skipping school because of depression and fatigue. that was a very very big step for me, facing my fear of my mom yelling at me again. but i could not focus on anything, not with how laboured my breathing was. it was the frustration of not being able to sleep that finally pushed me over the edge - while i was up all night with my then untreated and untreatable asthma attack, i

i told her my symptoms, and then explained to her my, uh, “theory” that i had a form of asthma that didnt respond to ventalin. i got the name wrong (i mixed up constrictive and inflammatory), but otherwise, i got it entirely correct. i was so scared that she might brush me off, like what had happened before with so many people when i was younger. it had even happened with other doctors. but, fortunatley, she quickly agreed with me that it appears i need a corticosteroid as well as my ventalin to treat my symptoms.

i didnt know, before very recently, that ventalin is exclusively for inflammatory asthma, or that constrictive asthma requires cordicosteroids to treat. all along, i thought i was just being lazy, or dumb, or panicking, or lying, or a that i just didnt care. because people have said things like this to me. all throughout my life. i would say, “i cannot breathe,” and they would say, “take your emergency (ventalin) puffer.” so i would. and when i said i still didnt feel better, after i took my ventalin puffer in front of them, they stopped believing it could be asthma. older people, the ones who were supposed to take care of kids when theyre hurting, were the MOST dissmissive of my complaints. because they thought they knew everything about what asthma was. better than a kid who had it.

i thought that whatever it was, it couldnt be asthma, because so many older people told me so. no one ever told me that constrictory asthma needed a different additional medication. no one told me that i needed it. everyone said that asthma could just be treated with a ventalin inhaler, period, and that if i was so out of breath, i should just use mine. and i did. and itd didnt work. so i figured... i must not have asthma. because surely an adult knows better than i do, right?

as i grew up, my memories faded as memories do - but none so much as that of the visit to the doctors when i was first diagnosed. i can remember only a precious handful of details now; a diagram that depicted the inside of the lungs, shown with one having its air-tubes contracted tightly, and the other clogged up with mucus. i forgot about it because i was full of self loathing, i feel like, at least in part - its much harder to control your emotions when you dont have enough oxygen to normally power your brain, and the bullying i withstood, while not violent, was very frequent. i was very much not a “popular kid,” ill leave it there. a lot of people hated me. and a lot of people only pretended to like me, and i wasnt able to tell they were laughing at me. when you have shit like that on your mind constantly, and youre oxygen starved??? you tend to be a little, uh, distracted. im not surprised that i dont remember it well. but i wish i did. all i know for sure is that at the end of the day, i had a ventalin puffer, and that was it. i think there may have been a misunderstanding - when the doctor said that the cortisol (the most common, brand-name corticosteroid) is for long-term relief and the ventalin is for emergencies, my mom might have thought something along the lines of, “my child had an asthma attack, and it was an emergency. therefore ventalin is what we need, not cortisol.” but again, i dont know that for sure, and i dont want to throw anyone under the bus. it may have been that, or it may not have been. but i feel that my mom likely wouldnt remember if i asked her - taking ME to a doctors appointment wouldnt rank very high on her “important life moments” list, i suspect.

and so as i grew up, again, i had ventalin, but i very rarely remember having cortisol around, let alone taking it. uh, sorry i mean, corticosteroids. anyway, um... i think i was depressed then, even as a kid. my mom did not impress the importance of the medicine on me - she said it wasnt a that big a deal, that i only need to take it “sometimes.” and so when i ran out, i figured i didnt have to rush to tell her. and, of course, i didnt have the energy to take it every day - couldnt breath. in fact, because it required me to wash my mouth out through after taking it every morning and night, it was significantly more difficult to take the medicine that treated my constrictive asthma. and again, i did not have energy to let me do what i knew i was supposed to. and i did not know that just taking the corticosteroid regularly would help me get my energy back, because no one ever told me that my energy had... WENT anywhere. they didnt mention it being a part of the disease, so i assumed to was unrelated. i didnt know the science behind it back then, i was a little kid! and so it was that every time i had a flair-up, people kept telling me to use my ventalin inhaler, the one thats for “emergencies,” if i really felt so bad. and so.... i would. and the ventalin would not ease my constricted lungs, because its intended for inflammation. and when i tried to tell them it wasnt working, people would start telling me it wasnt asthma, and that it had to be something else - something that i was fucking up. and i believed them. i believed what they told me. because i thought that adults were supposed to be smart, and know more than kids, and that they were supposed to protect me when i said i was hurting. i thought they were supposed to help children when theyre hurting. and so all along, i believed them, cause why would they lie to me? they must know what theyre talking about. adults know more than kids, they never shut up about it, i probably thought. and... so i started to really internalize the idea that it was my fault. that i was always so tired, and forgetful, and weak, and exhausted, and out of breath, and bad at talking, and bad at concentrating, and bad in school, and bad at everything... because i was just a bad person. i even thought it was my fault that my hands wouldnt stop shaking - no matter how much i drew. my lines were always crooked and bent. so because i never knew that cortisol was the medicine i needed the most, i was never ABLE to stop my hands from shaking, no matter how hard i tried and how much i practiced drawing. so i assumed i was just a naturally shitty artist, and began to resign myself to a life of never being able to create something beautiful. no matter how much i practiced drawing.

all of it was because of my constrictive asthma - either because of too little air being able to penetrate my lungs and oxygenate my body and bloodstream, or because of the sharp, sudden and literally dizzying rips of air that i had to suck in just to breath at all.

all these years of hating myself have been perpetuated so needlessly, all because people assumed they knew better than a kid. even when the kid tells you “he” (really she, im talking about me as a kid after all) has a disease and that “he” (again, she) cant breathe and that “he” (SHE) has tried what you are suggesting and it does ever work. even if that kid is literally telling them, “it is my disease that is causing this.”

because people brushed me off, and put me down, even when i was telling them that i couldnt breath. even when i tried to explain to them that i felt like i was being slowly suffocated, by an invisble hand squeezing the air out of my chest. because thats what it DOES feel like.

...fuck, man. that was fucked up.

#yall better treat kids as gently and kindly as humanly possible #you better fucking believe them when they say theyre hurting. you better try to fucking help instead of judging them.#or else theyll end up all fucked up like me #im getting better. i can feel that im get better #slowly #but its only because i fought past my intense fear of being told that what i was feeling wasnt real #i dont want kids to have to go through that too. i dont want anyone to #but these things start when we're children. and it seriously damages us.#sometimes beyond the ability to repair ourselves #so please. please for the love of god dont be mean to kids when they arent hurting anything or anyone.#they are the very definition of 'innocent.'#and you can hurt them very badly without meaning to. not just their bodies but also their young minds are delicate #if they hurt something or someone it can only ever be because they didnt understand that it would be wrong. kids are inherently NOT evil #but they ARE inherently inconsiderate. because theyre still learning.#ignorance always precedes knowlege #and children are literally by definition 'new to this.'#so you must please be gentle with them. *please.*#you need to be patient and gentle and explain it to them. and listen to them when they say somethings wrong #and when you think theyve DONE something wrong?#you need to be calm and you need to be patient. do not get angry at a child for not knowing what is right yet.#they havent had a CHANCE to learn.#be the person to give them that chance.#not the person who damages them for life.

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haretakouri-blog · 7 years

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some rambling/hcs about yuuri and his mental illness and how strong he is!

the thing about yuuri and his season where he got last in the GPF is that he wasnt just at the lowest of his career, he was probably in his worst mental state like, ever. and thats honestly one of the worst feelings, knowing youre miserable but youre just so lost you dont know what to do, and you know its your mental illness but it doesnt help to know that.

he probably had a time that before this GPF he saw as his ‘absolute worst’ mental health wise and whenever he was feeling bad, at least it wasnt as bad as that. but then he ended up being worse than that because of everything that happened. he was skating in front of thousands of people (which is already anxiety inducing), he had super low self confidence and pretty much assumed failure was the only option, and had the general stress of college on top of professional skating, social life, and everything else you need to do as an adult.

and then his dog, who was probably his rock for many years in his life and would help him through his depression and anxiety and general feelings like he wasn’t worth anything, died without much warning, and he hadnt seen him for 5 years already. his anxiety and depression probably got horrible after that, and then he had to skate one of the most important events of his life. tbh, he probably had an anxiety attack while skating and barely stopped himself from breaking down! he had so much stress and anxiety built up, theres no way he wasnt super overwhelmed by it all

and, as i said before, its probably the worst hes ever been in his life. hes overwhelmed, theres so much to do and he doesnt know how he can do it all and do it well. and he knows he needs to do something about his mental health, but that just adds on even more and hes just so, so lost and he doesnt even know where to start on anything. he doesnt know how hes supposed to keep on living at this point, he doesnt even know if he’ll be able to convince himself to get out of bed. and when you get that overwhelmed and lost and confused, you just sob uncontrollably. you dont know what to do and youre in so much pain that you just cry for what seems like forever, and it just makes you feel more lost. you sit there crying so hard you can barely breathe and the only thing youre thinking is ‘i dont know what to do. i cant do this. i dont know what to do’ over and over

and the only thing he can even think to do is to quit skating, because he cant do it anymore. not if it means feeling like that. he knows there were a lot of other factors, but the thought skating in competition and possibly ending up like that again gave him anxiety attacks. he couldnt do it then, so he went home.

viktor shows up, and having the best skater alive see so much potential in you that he drops everything to help you become even better and coach you helps with self esteem. but it also makes him feel guilty about ‘stealing viktor’, and it doesnt magically cure his fears of competing again. he barely manages to do hasetsu on ice without having a panic attack (right before he goes on we’re seeing through yuuris eyes; it goes blurry-ish and starts swirling, because hes about to cry). viktor manages to distract him enough that yuuri gets through the first competition fine, and having an experience where yuuri doesnt fail miserably or have a panic attack helps, but hes still afraid before competitions.

hes slowly getting better and more confident; less afraid of having panic attacks, more towards where he was before. but then he cries before his SP in china and hes terrified hes going back to that mental state where he was helpless. viktor again helps him through it by believing in him and yuuri calms down enough to skate really well. this boosts his confidence even more-- he could break down right before skating, but he was strong enough now that he could skate an amazing performance after, without having a panic attack

there arent any big anxiety-inducing moments after makkachin and viktor leaving him for his FS, and his mental state continues to improve slowly. but, the guilt of taking viktor grows and results in the end of ep 11, where he tells viktor he wants to stop skating. this time its not a decision made from panic and helplessness, but out of guilt and sadness. he’s not necessarily upset; more melancholy. sure, he was a little sad to end his career, but he felt happy with what he achieved and he was happy to let viktor skate again. he never thought viktor wouldve reacted the way he did, that viktor wanted him to keep skating to badly. sure, he knew viktor loved him and his skating (i mean, they got engaged!) but he didnt understand how much it meant to viktor (and to him; he didnt really realize how upset he was, too focused on his guilt)

he doesnt skate his SP in the GPF like he imagined, and he feels like he disappointed everyone. especially viktor; especially himself. his anxiety threatens to ruin his FS, but hes grown so much now and hes able to acknowledge his mistakes (though he doesnt realize that he was actually quite amazing; it wasnt exactly as he imagined, but it was good) without ruining his next performance. he breaks viktors record, something he hadnt spent a second even dreaming about, because it had seemed pointless. something impossible, an unattainable dream, so why bother even dreaming. he beat the living skating legend who he’s also marrying at ithe GPF. and he realizes that he doesnt want to stop. he wants to let viktor skate, because he loves him and loves his skating, but he was so close to winning. hes confident now, confident that given just one more year he could get gold, and confident enough to ask viktor for more of his time

this was long and ramble-y but... this is how i view yuuris mental health throughout the series. and theres definitely a lot of projection happening, but i dont think any of it is that far off from what happened in canon. i am so immensely proud and amazed at how strong yuuri is. coming back from such a low point where he felt helpless and miserable, to becoming as confident as he is at the end of the series. its honestly one of the hardest things to do in life. if you have anxiety and/or depression and youve had a low, low time like that, you know. its absolute hell to get anywhere when you feel like that. and yuuri went so, so far. he inspires me honestly, to keep on going in life, even though hes fictional. ive connected to him so much, and thats why i love to see him happy, because he reminds me that i can be like him. itll suck, but ill make it there. and ill forever be grateful to yuri on ice for giving me this character

that got really deep and personal um... i didnt mean for this. i was supposed to be playing overwatch.... side note: this is obviously very personal so please dont reblog ;;

#ooc #neg //#this is about yuu #yuuri*#but it talks abt mental illness stuff & mine & relating it so;;#under a read more bc of sensitive topics 4 me #this is long im sorry yuuri makes me emotional and i ramble #aha you can see when i start saying 'you' instead of yuuri oops...//#this is kinda a headcanon i guess since its not necessarily canon but;;#um... this ended up being over 1k.... oops #d/o/n/t re/b/l/og #hc 02 #i guess

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bwicblog · 7 years

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DD: hello is anybody maybe around here right now

ID: kiiinda.

DD: kinda what does kinda mean

DD: i mean i also feel like that is kinda here but i am hoping that is not for the same reason that you feel kinda here because it is on account of feeling pretty awful and i wouldn't want you to feel pretty awful

ID: kinda as in i'm in the trap. so not really glued to my mobile.

ID: also that sucks. are you like. sick? maybe there's a virus going around.

SA: Pheres was also sick... it would be bad if there was a bug, it could have been at Cascara. But I don't remember seeing Dazzle there

SA: I hope you feel better soon.

DD: oh dear i did not mean to contact you while you were

DD: indisposed??

DD: and i have no idea if i am ill with a landdweller disease of some sort or if i am just unsuited to the desert DD: i am probably going to die or something but i am not sure i care very much anymore

DD: but i appreciate the well wishes!!

ID: it's fine, i gotta get my carcass out of the water anyway- uh. wow. mm.

ID: can you just... be. not in the desert if it sucks that much...?

OA: aW, WHAT'S A GUPPY DOING IN THE GODDAMN DESERt? :o(

DD: i dont think so i mean not really i mean DD: i am here because i am working with the station for tech development and beta testing and also i am supposed to be somewhere far away from where i was before so that the people who were trying to kill me wouldnt be able to find me so its kind of a twofer

SA: I doubt that, dazzle. Perhaps a doctor would be of use. 😃

DD: and everything hurts and i want my moirail except he is not even my moirail anymore because of the whole i am not around and the murder attempt and all that and there is no water and no fish in this desert and i couldnt even get some orange juice like you said pri because the lady selling it says she doesnt serve seadwellers except she used a much meaner word and everything is awful and

DD: sorry i should not be posting

AC: ..yes a d0ct0r s0unds l1ke a g00d 1dea als0 1f y0ure a seadweller 1n the desert d1d y0u remember t0 keep y0ur g1lls wet?? because thats,, pretty 1mp0rtant actually AC: and 1m s0rry ab0ut the rest 0f that but 1 th1nk thats g0nna get better 1f y0u take care 0f the f1rst th1ng pr0bably def1n1tely

OA: nAH, COUSIN, CHILL YOUR ROLL. AIN'T NO NEED TO GO AND FRAZZLe. OA: yOU GOT ALL THE RIGHTS TO VENT YOUR SPLEEN, FROM BLOOD AND BONE. WHAT A FUCKING wretch. OA: yOU TRIED LAYING YOURSELF FLAT IN A TUB? WE GOT PLENTY OF BRINE ON LAND, BUT THAT WON'T DO SHIT IF YOUR GILLS ROT OFf.

AC: yes l1ke 0a sa1d g0 d0 that 0r g0 1nhale there are als0 patches f0r th1s but 1 d0ubt y0u can get th0se 1f y0u c0uldnt get 0range ju1ce

DD: i have been trying but the water here is different and makes my gills sting and i ordered this little package of blocks you can dissolve in water to make it more akin to saltwater in terms of salt and other mineral content but it is not DD: here yet and i am not sure how long drone delivery takes on land i thought it would be here already

AC: ..th1s 1s g0nna s0und dumb but cant y0u just put salt 1n 1t f0r the t1me be1ng

ID: i mean. throw your hue around a little to the delivery company. that'll get it faster.

DD: (also im afraid i am not sure where to find a doctor but i suspect that is me wallowing because it seems like a difficult tast but so does getting up at all at the moment)

OA: yOU AT A STATION? WHY NOT JUST ASK SOME CHUCKLEHEAD UP TOP TO FETCH IT FOR YOu? OA: sURE AS NAUGHT, YOU AIN'T THE ONLY SOVEREIGN ON BASE, YEAH? EVERY BLUE'S KNOWN SOME CLOWN WITH FRILLs.

AC: r1ght here actually 0r maybe 1n p0rt m1na but 1 have n0 1dea where 1n the desert y0u are 0r even 1n wh1ch 0ne

DD: oh i am not at the station at this very moment unfortunately but yes there is one other seadweller there the general and i kind of wanted to ask them for help but i think they think im a little bit daft DD: and oh dear i was going to just add salt but then everyone said it wasnt the same so i didnt but

DD: i am in port mina it is the closest town to station 11 which is where i am working!

AC: O:B d0 y0u kn0w the c0ffee sh0p thats shaped l1ke a teap0t

OA: aDD SALT TO THE WATER. DROWN YOUR WOES. AND FUCKING CALL SOME SCHLUB AT THE BASE TO FETCH YOU THE PROPER SHIt. :o) OA: aIN'T NO NEED TO THROW YOUR CHROME AROUND. YOU'RE FUCKING VIOLEt. OA: yOU ARE gracing THEM WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO OFFER AID, AND THEY WILL BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITy.

ID: can't you buy sea salt in stores. that... seems like it would work? i think?

SA: salt water is more than salt water it also has a particular mineral content, etc

DD: yes it is super cute i kind of wanted to go there but i am afraid they might not serve me like with the orange juice lady and then i am going to cry in the shop and that will be really embarrassing

SA: otherwise caring for my clown fish would be hell on alternia

SA: they have to serve you. Threaten them.

AC: n0 1ts f1ne 1m w0rk1ng r1ght n0w y0u c0uld def1n1tely c0me 0ver 1f y0u wanted s0meth1ng t0 dr1nk

SA: become mean and hatedul

DD: and oh dear i dont think everybody sees it that way oa but that is very kind of you to say so i mean DD: maybe i should call someone DD: i dont think

DD: er

DD: i

SA: and then reel it back in

AC: please d0nt threaten me actually

OA: hAHAHA, WHAT THE FUCk.

DD: i would rather not do that honestly especially since i think you were complaining about people that do that earlier prisma and i dont want people to dislike me and also im not sure if i would even be able to threaten you right now ac i mean unless you are deathly afraid of people crying i can probably threaten you wit hthat

DD: actually i am not even sure if prisma is being serious or maybe making fun of me

OA: hIS ADVICE IS RANK EITHER WAY. PAY IT NO MIND, COUSIN, HE IS LEADING YOU ASTRAy. :o)

AC: yes em0t10nal pe0ple are terr1fy1ng 1f y0u cry 0n me 1ll cry t00 thats sarcasm by the way

ID: yeah pris maybe. don't tell daz to be a jerk to lowbloods i think we. get enough of that.

SA: sometimes I have to be cruel and hateful too to convince higher blooded trolls to take me and my business seriously. But I understand hesitance

ID: from other highbloods.

SA: yes but I know they aren't that way inside so it seemed like a logical solution

SA: I apologize

DD: being hateful sounds like it takes a lot of energy i would rather just DD: i dont know

DD: i dont know im very confused in general right now i think that might be the temperature a little bit

ID: oh. uh i can see why that could. fry your pan. got any ice? put it on like. the back of your neck.

DD: and even if it is sarcasm ac that is okay i dont really know where you are so i could not do that regardless

DD: i think maybe the hotel has an ice machine that is where i am now

OA: cOUSIN, COUSIN, THEY JUST UP AND SAID THEY WERE AT THE LITTLE TEAPOt.

DD: i guess it is an inn

DD: oh

DD: i

DD: missed that completely you have my apologies

DD: oh!

AC: 1m a she but yes there was an 0ffer 0f ju1ce here 1t 1s aga1n just t0 be super expl1c1t 1m at the teap0t and 1m 0ffer1ng y0u ju1ce 0r maybe tea the c0ffee 1s g00d t00

DD: oh they said i could have something to drink too that is very kind

DD: she

DD: you have my apologies again i am sorry

OA: i AIN'T TOO FAR FROM THE STATION. HOW ABOUT I GO AND GET YOU A SALTBLOCK, YEAH? SEE IF THEY AIN'T GOT ANY FANCY MEDS FOR A FISH LIKE YOu. :o) OA: sHIT TO OPEN UP THOSE FUCKING GILLS, GET SOME COOL AIR IN YOu. OA: aND GIVE YOU A REASON TO STOP APOLOGISING, HOLY SHIt.

DD: i would very much like some orange juice and also maybe tea i have never had tea or orange juice before though i have had coffee though i have kind of been living off of coffee and lattes a little bit theyre very delicious and one of the things that dont taste weird here

DD: also i am sorry for being sorry >:P

DD: you are both very kind however that part is not a joke

AC: y0u havent AC: what?? AC: 0kay we need t0 f1x that 1 mean 1m reallyreally b1ased t0wards the c0ffee here 0r anywhere really but 1f y0uve never had tea y0u need t0 try 0ur lem0n 0ne 1ts great AC: wh1ch s0unds l1ke 1m try1ng t0 adverte f0r us here wh1ch 1m n0t even 1f 1t def1n1tely reads l1ke 1t but yes y0u get the p01nt

DD: i mean right now really the fact that you are willing to make me something without any of that threatening messiness is enough of an advertisement really but it also sounds really nice and i would like to try both the orange juice and the tea and the coffee i mean i havent had enough to drink in general probably and i cant tell how much of it is my gills drying out or actually drinking but yes

DD: once i

DD: figure out how to get up

ID: probably should start with. cold drinks there. with lots of ice.

DD: and no i havent had those things because they do not really happen underwater i guess except in pouches so thats how i am familiar with iced coffee

AC: actually thats g0nna take y0ur b0dy m0re energy t0 heat them up and pr0bably 1snt that great f0r y0u

DD: and oh right there was the ice machine

SA: less sugar will hydrate you faster

DD: oh but i would like something cold right now i dont really

AC: 0h r1ght s0rry 1 f0rg0t ab0ut the underwater th1ng the 0nly seadweller 1 kn0w d0esnt really spend a wh0le l0t 0f t1me there s0 1 tend t0 f0rget that 1ts a,, uh,, a th1ng

DD: i dont think my body heats things up

DD: maybe its the other way around since i am violet i have been using energy to cool everything down

ID: i mean if daz is overheating, cooling him down is. good.

DD: and oh that is interesting

DD: i didnt realize there were people that dont live in the water very much

OA: tHEY'RE RUNNING A FUCKING TEMPERATURE. ICE AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT, BUT FUCK THEM OVER PROPERLy. OA: jUST GET SOME TAP WATER, COUSIN. BODY'S ALREADY PROTESTING THE DRY. WHY YOU WANNA MAKE IT FIGHT THE CHILl?

DD: it seems very difficult

DD: i

DD: i dont know um i suppose everything sounds like it makes sense

DD: i want to run a bath but the fresh water makes things hurt more

DD: maybe i can just put my head in it without breathing it or getting it on my gills

DD: that seems silly but like maybe it would feel nice

OA: mAN. THIS IS WHY WE KEEP LUSUS ON BASE. COVER THIS SHIT FOR A MOTHERFUCKER, SO THERE AIN'T NO NEED FOR WORRY NOR FUSs. OA: iF YOUR SNOUT IS IN WATER, COUSIN, AND YOUR GILLS ARE IN AIR, HOW ARE YOU GONNA BREATh? :o)

DD: take my head out when i need to probably

DD: and oh my lusus is on base actually i would kind of like to crawl into the tank they use for the aquatic lusi but i cant bring an aquatic tendrilbeast to the hotel unfortunately

OA: pUT A RAG ON YOUR DOMe. OA: pUT SOME WATER IN YOUR GULLEt. OA: dUMP SOME SALT IN THE TRAP, AND THEN THROW YOURSELF IN, SO THERE AIN'T NO NEED FOR DRY-ASS DROWNINg. OA: aIN'T THERE SOME RUST WHO CAN HAUL YOU SOME TABLESALT Up?

DD: i can definitely ask the inn staff i think hopefully they have enough available and yes then i am going to do all of those things and then maybe stop dying

DD: sorry that all seems very obvious in retrospect i think maybe i am also not thinking especially clearly at the moment

DD: also um oa are you maybe still okay with bringing me something from the base maybe i think i am probably actually sick but also i dont want to do the threatening thing that prisma mentioned earlier that seems like a good way to make people stop being nice to me or really liking me at all

OA: tHREATENING IS THE HALL OF THOSE TOO WEAK TO WORK THEIR GODDAMN FLAp. OA: wHO NEEDS TO THREATEN WHEN A WELL-PLAYED WORD WORKS JUST AS WELl? :o)

OA: wHICH IS TO SAY, COUSIN, OF FUCKING COURSe. OA: i WILL FETCH YOU WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY GIVE. IT WILL BE MY PLEASURe.

OA: wHAT'S YOUR NAME, SOVEREIGn? OA: aIN'T KEEN TO SEND IT TO THE WRONG ROOm. :o)

DD: oh dear well that is a very nice way of putting that and thank you very much i am also very appreciative of your help and also your patience on account i was admittedly wallowing quite a bit earlier and things seem a lot less awful right now DD: and oh my name is dazzle that should also be what the block is under whats your name? and also ac if she is still around she was very nice and i still want to be able to meet her at the teapot cafe later if she still wants to

AC: yes h1 1m st1ll ar0und th1ngs are sl0w t0n1ght 1m lapyen AC: 0r just the blue 0ne 1n the bun and the glasses 0r actually really just the blue 0ne y0u cant m1ss me h0nestly

OA: mY NAME IS RICCIN. RICCIN KAYATA. WHEN YOU SEE ME, COUSIN, YOU'LL KNOw. :o)

OA: oR. WELL. WHEN THE HOTEL STAFF SEES Me. OA: wHAT THE FUCK EVER, I AIN'T USED TO THIS DELIVERY SHIt.

AC: als0 1m n0t sure 1f y0u can base my actual n1ceness 0n just a c0uple c0mments 1 made t0 y0u 0nl1ne 0ver the span 0f half an h0ur and 1f 1t really w0rks l1ke that and as a sec0nd als0 thats really 0m1n0us and 1m super cur10us what y0u even mean by that 0a

DD: that sounds very dramatic!! DD: the youll know comment i mean not the blue thing the blue thing makes a lot of sense actually given my recent experiences and i feel kind of bad to be happy that there is someone kind of highblooded around because that seems a little unkind of me but yes i mean youre very nice and i have learned recently i am not good at talking to lowbloods that i am not working with DD: and it is not just the comments i mean also you are inviting me for tea and all of those things thats pretty nice

OA: i AM A STRIKING GODDAMN FIGURE, THAT'S ALl. :o)

AC: 0h n0n0 d0nt w0rry 1 def1n1tely get that 1t can be really super awkward t0 talk t0 l0wbl00ds 1f y0ure n0t used t0 1t and als0 theres _s0_ much y0u can d0 wr0ng when y0u d0 that 1ts a l1ttle terr1fy1ng 1f y0ure n0t fr1ends w1th them already AC: als0 1 c0uld be lur1ng y0u 1n t0 r0b y0u y0u d0nt kn0w my m0t1vat10ns 1 mean 1m n0t and als0 that w0uld be pretty hard 1n br0ad m00nl1ght 1n a p0pulated area but 1m g0nna st0p typ1ng n0w

AC: a f1gure?? what k1nd 0f f1gure 0h my g0d

DD: well in that case i look forward to seeing you i mean if you decide to come up i am not sure if you wanted to with the staff comments or anything but that sounds intruiging and you have created an air of mystery and intrique DD: and yes that is a good description of how i feel lapyen i mean prisma and hadean and riccin have all been very nice but even then i messed up and prisma yelled at me so i am not always the best at being social with people at all really DD: though i think probably i dont think anybody would try to rob me or i mean you could try but i dont think it would work very well especially not like in a crowded teashop where you are employed : P

OA: .. wHAT SORT OF FIGURE ARE YOU PICTURING, GIRl? OA: bECAUSE I AM STARTING TO GET ALL SHADES OF FUCKING concerned.

OA: ;o(

DD: omg ahaha

DD: ow

DD: that hurt but i am going to keep laughing anyways because i do not think i have smiled in two nights

OA: cAREFUL, SOVEREIGn. OA: dON'T GO RIPPING YOUR GILLS, TRYING TO SPREAD SOME MIRTh.

OA: :o)

DD: theyre kind of stuck im not sure if i could even rip them even by laughing 😦

DD: i tried to peel one open earlier with my claws but i almost ripped a filament instead and they are all gummy and theyre not supposed to be

OA: >:o?

OA: tHAT SEEMS NASTY AS FUCk.

AC: n0t that k1nd 0f f1gure 0h my g0d ab0rt ab0rt AC: but als0 d0uble 0h my g0d that d0esnt s0und l1ke 1ts supp0sed t0 be l1ke that maybe def11ntely d0 the salt th1ng and then let me take a l00k at them later 1f y0ure,, uh,, 1f y0ure c0mf0rtable w1th that?? because 1f theyre s0 dry theyre glued shut theres a teeny t1ny r1sk 0f 1nfect10n n0th1ng t0 w0rry ab0ut but maybe s0meth1ng t0,, t0 l00k at

DD: oh dear

DD: it is pretty nasty yes especially because it is my body and i like my gills i also like them being working and not infected and

DD: um that is to say yes i would appreciate that lapyen if you are okay with that i mean you mentioned earlier you are a docterrorist and i dont know where else to find one and

DD: oh dear

OA: sHOULD I BE FETCHING THOSE MAGIC PILLS FROM THE BASE, TOo.

OA: >:o?

DD: oh um i thought maybe you already were i think you mentioned they had medicine earlier but i am not sure what they have really or how it works or what i need which is not very helpful of me

OA: bROTHER, BROTHER, THEY GOT PLENTY OF PILLs. OA: tHEY'RE ASKING ME WHAT THE FUCK I'M GETTING, THAT'S ALl.

OA: .. i'LL JUST GET ALL OF IT, AND YOU CAN TAKE IT AT ONCe. OA: gET THAT SICKNESS OUT EN MASSe. :o)

AC: um

AC: actually maybe read the l1ttle,, uh,, the n0tes that c0me w1th them and als0 d0nt take all 0f them at 0nce under abs0lutely n0 c1rcumstances

DD: oh dear

AC: just read the 1nstruct10n leaflets 1ts all 1n there 1ts f1ne

DD: that sounds like a good idea i am going to do that i mean if you are a docterrorist you know better probably

AC: s0rry n0 0ffense but 1 d0nt th1nk 1m g01ng t0,, 1 mean attend1ng med sch00l feeds just t0 kn0w that leaflets are 1n there t0 be read and n0t t0 take up space

OA: wHY NOT TAKE ALL OF THEm?

OA: aIN'T THEY LIKE BLOCKS? OR BOOZe?

OA: tHE MORE YOU TAKE, THE BETTER IT Is.

AC: yes theyre exactly l1ke b00ze wh1ch 1s why y0u expl1c1tly d0nt d0 that please

AH: hahah oh wow poor Lapyen

AH: sorry Riccin's dumb ass came to ruin your evening

AC: 1ts n0t ru1ned my even1ng 1s f1ne but thanks and h1 gl1ese

AH: give it time. they're good at being a little bitch. but sup, how's life

AH: I went to a ren fair a little while ago, shit was wild

AH: what have you been doing? you landed that new gig, right?

AC: 0kay that s0unds k1nd 0f,, 1nterest1ng 1 guess was that c00l?? AC: and yes!! 1m d01ng an 1nternsh1p r1ght n0w we w0rk w1th r0b0ts 1ts supersuper c00l and h0nestly a really welc0me break fr0m sch00lfeeds 1m n0t say1ng that the stress 1s t00 much but the stress 1s pr0bably,, k1nd 0f a l1ttle b1t t00 much

AH: Haha damn, no, it probably is. It was interesting for _me_ , that's for sure, given I dragged a friend's sorry ass off to a mediculler, saw some absolutely fucking atrocious fashion, met up with Canela again, and met some new people.

DD: what no riccin has been lovely they are being very nice and are helping me out i dont think that counts as being that

AH: But what kind of robots are you working with. Are they cool?

AH: lmao Riccin's probably just sucking up because you're violet

AH: I can't be bothered to backread

AH: but I'd bet money

DD: i mean they didnt ask me to pay them or anything

AC: theyre very c00l but als0 we just g0t a b1g gr0up 0f cust0mers s0rry 1 reallyreally need t0 put my ph0ne away AC: y0u can t0tally talk t0 me ab0ut that later th0ugh and dazzle y0u can abs0lutely st1ll c0me 1n whenever y0u feel l1ke 1t s0rry bye

AH: well why would they, they have clowns taking care of their oversized ass

AH: they just like to feel important

DD: i hope you have a good night that sounds like a lot of work and i will definitely come by when i am feeling like i can walk!!

DD: and i mean you said money

AH: awww, damn

AH: but good luck and all

AH: ...I said I _bet_ money, not that you were paying them lol

AH: learn to read

DD: i can read i am just having a hard time doing so on account of everything being very hazy at the moment but also to clarify saying id bet money can be interpreted as you betting money on it or betting that money is the key factor hence the nature of my misunderstanding

DD: but also i dont think anybody has felt much like ingratiating themselves with me lately and instead its been more of the opposite so i think riccin is just being a nice person

AH: holy shit, who fed you caffeine, I want a word

AH: Also lmao you have terrible fucking judgment if you think Riccin is nice

AH: but then I guess they would be to you because they're like...loyal to clowns and up

AH: I think

AH: I don't know how their crazy pan works

DD: i mean they were very nice to lapyen as well and also i havent had caffeine in a while i heard it dehydrates you and i am having trouble with that lately so i did not want to make it worse

AH: mother grub, what the fuck, are you dried out or something? go jump in a lake or whatever, surely you have _that_ much survival instinct.

AH: or does fresh water hurt seadwellers? try it and let me know.

OA: gIRL, STOP DRAGGING ME. IF YOU WANTED MY ATTENTION, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS FUCKING SAy. ;o)

AH: wow look what the meowbeast dragged in

OA: yOU STILL AIN'T IN THE TUB, DAZZLe?

AH: the world's worst yellowblood

AH: also, I was legit just giving Lapyen a warning because I'm a good fucking friend, but you know, if you wanna froth at the bit for some words your way, be my guest

AH: that's not pathetic at all

AH: ...Dazzle

AH: Their name is _Dazzle_ ??

AH: ahahaha fuck that's amazing, only a fish would have a name that stupid

IA: :(

OA: a GOOD FUCKING FRIEND. My. :o)

OA: wHO TOLD YOU THAT LIE, GIRL, AND WHY THEY TRYING TO MISLEAD YOU SO harshly?

AH: Yeah, I know the concept's foreign to you, but try to understand

AH: Who told what lie, you're making even less sense than usual

AH: which is a fucking accomplishment

OA: ... aRE YOU AS DOOZY AS THE GUPPy? OA: i'LL GIVE YOU A MOMENT TO REREAD, ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT IT'S A WONDER YOUR TINY-ASS EYES CAN EVEN SEE THE SCREEn.

AH: also wow, a single sad smiley face, IA. Really pulling on my pumper strings here. Let me borrow Hadean's violin and play it for you.

AH: Oh wait, my strings broke.

AH: Fucking tragic.

DD: i am not in the tub i tried to get in and it made everything hurt and i decided to wait for the salt DD: and my name isnt stupid i use that one because its fun its actually my last name and my first one is laurel DD: so you can use that if it helps you not be a total jerk

IA: Why is every-one fighting all the time in here :(

OA: cLOSE YOUR FINS TO HER NONSENSE, SOVEREIGNs. OA: gLIESE AIN'T NOTHING BUT BILE, I AM SORRY TO FUCKING SAy.

OA: iT IS A SHAME SOMEONE SO HIGH IS SO FUCKING RUDe. :o)

AH: because we'd be bored as hell otherwise, _duh_

AH: what are you, a wriggler? grow a backbone

AH: when a seadweller's a pansy it's extra sad

AH: Laurel's a little better yeah. Also fuck you I am the _finest_ of bile, the absolute queen of bitterness, it's right in my fucking handle you blind ass.

AH: Yeah well it's a shame someone so wordy has so little to say, so...what are we gonna do here.

IA: I just th-ought this was supp-osed t-o be a fun, Empire run chat, I didn't expect t-o run int-o s-o many c-onfr-ontati-onal tr-olls.

AH: Your first mistake was putting "fun" and "Empire run" in the same sentence. I mean it is fun in here but it sure as hell isn't because of the Empire.

AH: Literally all we owe them for is making the stupid thing.

AH: Not like _they_ provide entertainment.

AH: Bunch of boring nerds.

AH: wow did everyone piss themselves in fear when I walked in or what.

SA: Hello Gliese.

AH: sup

SA: how has your evening been?

AH: I had to run around extra because somebody fucked up my lusus's water, but at least it got settled.

AH: So mostly routine aside from that.

AH: You?

IA: I ap-ologize, I'm a bit distracted between things. I'll be swimming in and -out.

SA: your lusus's water? What happened...?

SA: I am fine. I had breakfast with sipara and hadean this morning.

SA: hello, IA.

AH: And we all miss you so fucking terribly, IA, bland as water as you are...pun not intended.

AH: Nothing much, but some dumb kid knocked over his trough.

IA: Hell-o Pris!

AH: I was pissed, but judging from how they were shaking I think it was an accident, so I let them off with a cuff and a warning.

SA: how are you, IA? aside from busy.

SA: hmm. I'm sorry

SA; I hope they are. Feeling better now.

AH: Eh, probably, not like I actually hurt them

AH: They were probably like six sweeps max

AH: Not worth it

SA: Oh I meant you rlusus but yes, hitting children is often not encouraged by myself.

AH: Oh, yeah, he's fine. Luckily I had more on me, I'll just have to order extra.

AH: I also gave him some carrots, he's good.

AH: You like, don't have a lusus right?

AH: That must've been weird

SA: it was not terribly weird.

AH: Really?

SA: it was stranger when I realized it wasn't the norm.

AH: Oh lmao

AH: I guess that makes sense

SA: i was raised and cared for in a fairly neticulous way.

SA: it levelled out much of my development, I suppose.

SA; rather than being raised by

SA: ...

IA: Y-ou're quite mean AH

SA: an ibis?

SA: I think it was an Ibis.

SA: I could just be filling in, though.

SA: I genuinely don't remember.

AH: Nooooo

AH: REALLY??

AH: God you sound like Kit, except even he's learned better by now

AH: Ibises are cool

AH: Don't a lot of lowbloods have bird lusii?

AH: Could swear I heard that somewhere

SA: I couldn't tell you the statisticla information on that.

IA: Als-o I'm d-oing well Pris, thank y-ou f-or asking!

AH: Dunno, bunch of them from my town did. Even Matari's lusus had wings and it was a hoofbeast.

IA: It's fairly hit -or miss isn't it? I'm n-ot sure if I've met a l-ot -of l-owbl-o-ods with bird lusii myself.

AH: have you met a lot of lowbloods _anyway_

AH: how much do you even come out of the ocean

IA: The last time I've been in the -ocean was ab-out three m-onths ag-o and bef-ore that, nearly a year. I w-ork m-ostly -on land.

IA: I meet and talk with a l-ot -of l-owbl-o-ods actually :)

AH: yeah okay probably by sticking a blade in them or something

AH: protip: gurgling doesn't count as conversation

IA: I d-on't d-o that :(

IA: Why w-ould I d-o that?

AH: Uhhhh

AH: You're a SEADWELLER??? Y'all fucks make my caste look meek with your goddamn murder fetish.

AH: It's a reasonable assumption.

IA: I m-ost certainly have a let's-n-ot-murder fetish

AH: Haha wow that was some of the most awkward phrasing ever

AH: The fuck do you do then

IA: I'm a detective! I w-ork with the Empire here -on Alternia and l-ocal g-overnments t-o help reduce and prevent crime.

IA: F-or all castes, I may add

AH: lol yeah pull the other one

AH: everyone knows the system's rigged to high hell

AH: I mean I get it, whatever, you all want to ~do justice~ for those of us who'll still be around in a hundred sweeps to hate your faces

AH: but still

IA: It's tail-ored t-o the standards -one w-ould expect f-or -our vi-olent s-ociety, yes, but I d-on't mind n-or care what -others think -of me in a hundred sweeps.

IA: And just because -our system is tail-ored s-o d-oesn't mean I can't d-o my best t-o make pe-oples' lives easier AND better.

AH: Yeah, sure, even a violet can't do a whole lot to change a system run by tyrians. Unless you're gonna argue with them, in which case, have fun with that.

IA: Well, thank y-ou! I d-o l-o-ok f-orward t-o pr-ove y-ou wr-ong :) I have already seen the differences I've made and it's m-ore than en-ough t-o make everything w-orth it!

IA: My name is Nemm-on, what's y-ours, AH?

AH: Gliese, though you have no idea how tempted I was to tell you something stupid and see if you bought it.

AH: I mean we have _Dazzle_ in here.

AH: And the only reason I'm pretty sure they're not making it up is that they seem too dumb for that and because they're a fish.

IA: Well there is n-o way f-or me t-o verify it if y-ou did lie t-o me.

IA: Why didn't y-ou?

AH: Meh, might make things confusing later.

AH: Also you'd probably not question it and be boring as usual so what's the point.

IA: That's kind -of y-ou Gliese :)

AH: Please, I couldn't care less about your feelings, this is purely for my own convenience. I care more about the dumb kid who knocked over my lusus's water trough earlier than you.

IA: I didn't say anything ab-out my feelings, i just stated it was kind -of y-ou t-o decide against lying. I h-ope y-our lusus is alright th-ough?

AH: Kind for who, if you don't care. Also stop being nice it's weird.

AH: Even Budino being depressing was better than this

AH: You just sound creepy

IA: I'm s-orry :(

AH: and now we're back to boring

AH: is ANYONE ELSE in here before I give up or die of dullness.

OA: hONk.

IA: W-ould y-ou be m-ore c-omf-ortable if I wasn't nice?

AH: not really because then you'd be fake as hell and that's even worse

AH: I'm less uncomfortable and more wondering how anyone can be so tedious without wanting to stab themselves.

AH: Hey Riccin look it's another fish. Go kiss ass like you were hatched to do.

AH: Entertain me.

IA: I'd rather we didn't kiss my rear.

AH: aw, you ruined Riccin's night

AH: how could you

OA: sISTER, LET'S NOT BE INAPPROPRIATE WITH THE SOVEREIGn. :o) OA: 'sIDES, THINK YOU'VE HAD YOUR MOUTH ON ENOUGH FISH FOR THE WHOLE LOT OF Us.

IA: :( It'd make me extremely unc-omf-rtable

AH: lmao what

AH: I know two fish and one of those is older than dirt

AH: and the other is Canela, who's probably on another date as we speak

AH: and possibly ditching said date again if they suck lmao

AH: fun fact, Nemmon, nobody gives a shit

OA: yES, GIRL, IT IS CLEAR AS THE SKY OUTSIDE THAT I'M REFERRING TO YOUR COMMANDER. TYRIAN TITs. :o) OA: nAH, TALKING ABOUT THE VIOLET WHO KEEPS FLASHING HEARTS AT YOU. OR IS THAT THE NEW WAY OF SAYING HELLo? OA: bECAUSE IA HAS BEEN AWFULLY FUCKING SPARSE, IF THAT'S THE CASe.

AH: lmao you don't know Canela do you?

AH: she does that to all her friends

AH: she's just bubbly

OA: bUBBLY. My.

OA: tHAT'S A WORD FOR It.

IA: Y-ou're c-orrext --OA, I have been! I've been w-orking hard lately and haven't had much time t-o s-cialize

AH: lmao that went right over _your_ head

OA: :o)

AH: whatever, you weren't contributing anything valuable anyway

IA: --Oh I'm s-orry, is there an-other IA? I wasn't aware and I ap-ologize!

AH: oh my god how is anyone this dense

AH: even Riccin's not this dense

AH: I'm fucking mourning now

IA: I have n-o c-ontext f-or this c-onversati-on, Gliese.

IA: I'm afraid I d-on't kn-ow the regulars.

AH: Okay WOW I'm going to spell this out for you and then go

AH: because I'm fucking exhausted by your existence

AH: Riccin MEANT that you were sparse with SPAMMING HEART EMOJIS compared to CANELA, who uses them like they're going out of style because she just fucking does that

AH: and now I'm going, because I have shit to do and a thinkpan to maintain

OA: aND DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE SHE'S TRYING TO PLAY FOUR SQUARES WITH BABY BLUE HERe. :o)

OA: hEAVEN FORBID WE HAVE THAT THOUGHt.

IA: Bye Gliese! :)

IA: S-o h-ow are y-ou --OA?

IA: Riccen, right?

OA: rICCIN, SOVEREIGn. :o) OA: lIKE THE FRUIt.

OA: i'M JUST JOLLY FUCKING GOOD. TEXTING MY GIRL NZINGa. OA: gETTING HER UP TO DATE ON SOME news. SPREADING THE GOOD WORD. ALL OF THAT SHIt. OA: bUT AIN'T NOTHING OF NO IMPORT, REALLy. OA: hOW IS YOUR NIGHT GOINg?

IA: I see! Pleasure t-o meet y-ou Riccin!

IA: I'm d-oing very well, thank you f-or asking!! It's a sl-ow night but a g-o-od -one t-o relax -on.

#c:riccin #c:nemmon #c:gliese #c:sipara #c:prisma #c:lapyen #c:hadean

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twocatskissing · 7 years

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Random questions 1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick lick lick lick (i like) 2. What is home to you? where ever i feel comfortable. so..not necessarily my house all of the time, it depends who i am with. 3. What was the last lie you told? i ...dont know. i just went thru my texts and i can't recall. but i've lied several times today probably without knowing. 4. Does everyone deserve the truth? no. u dont deserve my ass honey! 5.What is the creepiest toy ever made? i'll think about it 6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. talk shit get hit 7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) literally anything work related. i hate explaining to people, i just want to do it myself, it's so much more easier. but this question is making my head hurt so i'm moving on. 8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? i worked REALLY Hard on print edition II 9. How many all nighters have you pulled? probably one? two? i'm not good at them 10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? hugs. 11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? maybe...three? 12. What is your paradise? honestly where ever you are 13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) RAIN NOISES. UGH. I LOVE THEM. I WOULD DIE FOR THEM. 14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? one, not including myself 15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? communicating. i think it says i suck at communicating in person. 16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? i care about celebrities because i aspire to be like them, and i enjoy learning about other's successes 17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? i dont know how to answer this. anyone doing anything for me makes me so happy 18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? i do this a lot, i get it from my mom. i think it just makes me sound annoying. 19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? no i'm a potato 20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? i used to take them a lot but one week during 9th grade my self esteem plummeted and now i hate taking them. i think i am so ugly and unattractive. 21. List 3 things you like about yourself? i'm kinda emo rn so i cant think of anything 22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? don't make mountains out of mole hills 23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? HELL NO. i cant even take care of my damn self. even my pee is telling me my body is in serious danger. 24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? i talk to sierra, practice a makeup look, or go to sleep really early 25. When was the last time you felt awkward? when i went out to starbucks earlier tonight i was in this really weird state where i felt really weak and off, i felt kinda awkward and bad 26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? im super introverted but i always like having one person with me, i don't like being completely isolated, but i hate having multiple people around me. 27. What constitutes a good friend? having conversations that never dry out, being there for you right on the spot, good hugs 28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? i would want just one best friend, but i've come to realize that people i'll get super close with get really annoyed with me easily and that's not what i want 29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? that hetero shit. 30. What is your dream job? journalist at refinery 29 31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? hardworking because from there you can build your skills 32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? IM A VIRGIN 33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? why he so ugly. 34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? what does this even mean 35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. i don't want to hate them again 36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? hope they aren't suicidal like i am 37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? girl i'd sell that shit. need that college money. 38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? speech, bc u need speech to speech 39. Name the last book you read. animal farm 40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? BROOO i would say i would love this, but i would never be able to be with someone if i'm like that. no homo. 41. When was the last time you made the first move? ...Never 42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? it's ok :/. nothing is worse than country music, tho. 43. What was the last movie you watched? hidden figures 44. Do you like and appreciate your life? no 45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? No. 46. When was the last time you cried? on saturday 47. What are you scared of? rejection and thunder storms 48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? no let's not get into that tonight 49. What are some of your hobbies? makeup, editing stories 50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? overthink and over analyze 51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i would say i'm a decent friend. i'm extremely loyal and supportive, but at the same time i will shut u out if i'm sad and be really clingy. 52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? no. same ol' mistakes - rihanna 53. What have you learned the hard way? she wasn't shit 54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? friendship 55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) i write a fuckton l56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? logical 57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? get a job 58. What is your ideal meal? sushi 59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? tell me they're a republican 60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? DOGGIES 61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? discrimination against transgender citizens/denying access to preferred bathrooms 62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? i really like the kardashians 63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? the kardashians 64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? i like playing overwatch when i'm at my dad's house but i rarely come over there 65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? do what ya want hoe 66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? i usually wake up at around 7:30 on a weekend but you won't find me walking around because i'll stay in bed until 10 67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? i love ratatouille, but my favorite disney character will be tiana from princess and the frog because i love her. 68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? in the city. i want to live on a skyscraper. 69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? near the ocean because beach towns are so cute. 70. What are the best things about winter? how it's not 1000387377227° 71. What scares you most about the future? rejection from colleges, and any relationships i attempt to peruse. 72. What makes you feel old? ratatouille came out ten years ago 73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? 24 74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? i don't make those they're annoying 75. What is your life story in 6 words? really really really really emo 76. Describe yourself in one word. ugly 77. What bad habits do you do? um it should say *do you have, but i guess i tend to put myself down a lot whenever someone compliments me. and if i'm having a bad day and someone says something mean that's suppose to be a joke, i start crying. 78. What genre of music do you listen to? everything except country 79. Most prominent childhood memory? my dad's last day before he moved out 80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? no thanks 81. Spirit animal? sloth 82. Do you believe in horoscopes? sort of? i didnt until i realized i hate capricorns 83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? just stop being sad 84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. that's hard i have a lot of people i care about so imma add one more -dana -sierra -sarahi -chloe 85. Favorite memory of your family. hmm not really 86. What do you look for in a relationship? someone who likes me back, loyalty 87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? i don't pay attention enough to look up to someone 88. What is your opinion on social media? i love it 89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? both, it depends on the environment 90. List some things that you think are overpriced? M👏🏼A👏🏼K👏🏼E👏🏼U👏🏼P 91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? well earlier today when i was closing this people stood out the door waiting for me to come out it was really weird 92. What superpower would ruin the world? being able to read minds 93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? date girls hdhshshns 94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? girl i am too tired for this 95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? i would go back to costa rica ❤ 96. How do you approach people? i dont. 97. What is your opinion on first impressions? what does this even mean 98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? dance the cha cha slide. i'm too embarrassed to do it now. 99. What languages can you speak? english and most spanish 100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? i feel like it'll be a lot more progressive. my 101. What do you do on your lazy days? i just lie in bed 102. What ended your last relationship? well as for my last real relationship it ended because i was really sad and so were they 103. Favorite food? sushi or chiles rellanos or hot wings 104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? most of my dreams are terrifying in that i either get rejected or people leave. what's new? lol. 105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? like two weeks ago i read a text and i got seriously angry and had a suicidal episode 106. What was the last friendship you broke? i dont....know... 107. Do you have any pet peeves? i hate hearing people chew, or people talking over me 108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? no one gives me hugs. 109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? like this morning jdhsbsbsb 110. What part of your personality do you want to change? all of it. i want to be a cold distant bitch who is likable. i also want to get rid of my depression 111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? everyone stay negative 112. What is your biggest motivation? this question is grammatically confusing 113. What did you want to be when you were little? a vet or a singer 114. What are some things that you are good at? im pretty good at my job, and doing reading/writing stuff 115. What is one thing you want to be good at? math 116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? my phone definitely 117. How important is privacy to you? very. i hate nosy people. 118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? don't be nosy kiddos! 119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? i'm straight 120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? i don't go to parties, but when i do i do not talk about myself, or talk at all 121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? ummmm i don't know how to answer this 122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? i will spend all of my money on people or things to impress others, it's ridiculous. i'll pay for dinner if i'm trying to impress a friend, or just waste my money. 123. What is your morning routine? spray myself in rose water. get dressed. Maybe MAYBE do some makeup 124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? taking photos with sierra 125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? help i believe. i'm not doing anything shitty rn 126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" i will honestly drop you so quick if you do that to me and i find out. i have no tolerance for that shit, i will not fall for it, and i will leave your ass. 127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? pros: sends the message, makes things quicker cons: getting offended, no fun 128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? BROOO DONT SVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS SHIF WHERE DO I EVEN FUCKING START OHHHH NY GOODDDHDHDHSHS BITCHDHDHSHSBS IM SGEJSNSBSANSBSBBVSSBA 129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both, but mostly zoned. 130. What do you admire most about your friends? their intelligence. i'm so jealous of them, but i admire it. 131. What do you admire most about your family? their strong work ethic 132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" it's so hard to do, no gracias. i need structure 133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? listening 134. When is it time to end a friendship? when it's causing deep painful and emotional harm to you, it's abusive in a sense 135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? "i'm just stressed out" 136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? delta, so i could study hospitality and tourism dhshhsejsh 137. What are your favorite baby names? babies are gross 138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? when i went to the park with dana on monday 139. What instantly ruins a conversation? dry ass responses 140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. turn on's: buying me tonight's, hugs, touching, eye contact, laughing turn offs: distance, being ignored 141. Biggest disappointment. rejection by ******* 143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? when i talked to wheatsville 144. Prized possession(s)? my costa rica ticket, my makeup collection 145. What is your opinion on second chances? it depends on what they did to fuck up 146. Text or call? text 147. What do you like about the 21st century? my phone 148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? don't date until ur mentally stable 149. How organized are you? ask sierra 150. Favorite mode of transportation. car

#personal

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