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kelin-is-writing · 1 year

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imagine babysitting with boyfriend!dabi

you were supposed to spend the day together but shit got in the way and now you were stuck at your relatives’ place and had to look after their kids for the afternoon. dabi was ready to disappear the second you mentioned it but you practically dragged him there by his collar and now he’s sitting on the couch pouting.

he would never admit it but he was worried that the kids might get scared by his appearance. well turns out they absolutely adore him.

it’s definitely annoying him at first that they won’t leave him alone for even a second and keep demanding that he plays with them. you glare at him after a while and he reluctantly gives in.

it starts with them playing with little race car models and they soon switch to drawing messily in one of their coloring books. dabi turns out to be quite the talented artist which you haven’t known until then.

however he draws the line when the kids want to play dress up. he vehemently refuses… for five minutes at least. when you return from the kitchen with snacks for everyone you have to try your absolute hardest not to burst out laughing when you see the sparkly tiara on his head. (you manage to take a picture without him noticing)

he doesn’t admit it but he’s actually having fun and watching you interact with the kids is putting thoughts into his head that he’s never had before. maybe starting a family of your own isn’t as bad of an idea as he used to think.

now all he can think about for the rest of the day is you underneath him with your legs pressed to your chest and the sound of your heavenly moans when he draws orgasm after orgasm from you until he finally cums inside of you. he rly hopes you won’t mind not using a condom this time...

- 🥛

YOU DID NOT JUST DO THIS TO ME—

the way i actually can picture him letting the kids grab onto his arms and then lift them up to spin the two of them around, once he’s done dabi would be dizzy as hell but then there are the kids who starts screaming “again!” “again!” which has him huff tiredly but still comply to what they want because they were having fun and that surprisingly made our arsonist hold back a smile, all this under your amused but still tender grin.

i can also see dabi play with them the ‘see you, can’t see you’ game, after you teach him, and he adores the laughs and giggles those little dwarfs let out when he exclaims “ah! here you are!”, in the most (semi) monotone voice someone could’ve ever hear, but the kids still loved it so much and that just leave him with a tingling sensation inside his chest from how moved he was, but still managed to keep it low or you wouldn’t let him live it down just like with the tiara moment.

once the kids were gone, you two finally alone, dabi is sitting on the couch with dazed eyes looking in front of him and lips slightly parted; when you sit next to him you’re about to ask him what was that face for, after snorting amused, when in a millisecond the villain has you laying beneath him as he hovers over your figure. you look surprised at him, being meet by a stare of pure desire and love that made your heart skip a beat from the intensity “w-what?”, you blurt out confused while glancing back at your boyfriend unsure on what’s gotten into him, then your eyes fell down and widened at the sight of the bulge inside his pants that was now pressing against your lower abdomen “you–?! wha–?!”

“i...”, dabi interrupted you “want to have kids with you princess.”, he confessed in a low husky gentle tone looking away from you with the back of his hand raising in front of his face and you blinked fervently, no because... was this cruel villain blushing right now?!

god he is so damn gorgeous like that, you can’t wrap your head around the fact that you have the most precious boyfriend out there, he’s truly such a gem honestly.

smiling tenderly at his confession you cup his cheeks, making him flinch slightly because of the sudden move, and pull him towards you meeting him halfway to kiss the raven-haired boy on his lips deeply, with an astonishing amount of love that left dabi speechless but yearning for more which is why a second later he was already ravishing yours back with as much passion as you.

when the two of you parted, panting, your hazy eyes locked and you swallowed down before slowly sliding your legs up his sides then closing them around dabi’s waist in a tight grip that pressed his boner against your clothed heat, a groan and moan leaving both your mouths at the friction. licking your lips under his burning gaze you start talking “what are you waiting for then?”, dabi looks with eyes that you can see ask for permission and “fill me up dabi.”, with that accompanied by a roll of your hips against his, he completely lost it.

after this, skins slapping together, pants, groans and moans are the only things that can be heard inside your living room as your man is cumming for the sixth time inside of you, balls deep into your pussy with the tip of his dick pressing hard against the swollen entrance of your womb as he’s spilling his load in complete ecstacy once again while you squirt all over his shaft and onto his pelvis with a pitiful cry, too overstimulated to even form a single syllable.

dabi has his eyes still rolled back into his skill in pure bliss when he hear you slurr about how much seed there’s inside your cunt, his cerulean irises going back to their place immediately before he raises from his hovering position on you with flushed cheeks as he smirks, totally high on you “of course there’s lots...”, and grabbing onto your waist he starts to rut his hips slowly, fucking all his seed into you with eyes clouded by desire “i gotta make sure my princess is filled up to the brim with our babies, right?”, he ends his sentence with a sharp thrust that made you let out a sob while holding onto his forearms for dear life, moaning continuously as dabi kept pounding into you “you can take more of it, i know it baby, i believe in my pretty girl nhgh–”, dabi kept blurting while throwing his head back with a throaty dragged groan at feeling your walls clench around him, hips picking up pace in no time.

letting out a breathy moan he looks down at you with sweat rolling down his temples long his pretty panting face, then he grabs your forearm to rub kind circles on it “i’m gonna make sure it’ll stick this time, so– ugh— bear with me for a little more ‘kay baby?”, you nod absentmindedly, too fucked out to register well what he’s saying to you, making him let out an amused snort at seeing your expression completely melted from the continuous pleasure and overstimulation “good girl, lemme reward you thenhgh—”, and with that another load of his seed was flowing inside of you and deep into your womb.

the pure bliss dabi feels everytime he cums deep in you, the imagery of his white ropes sticking inside your uterus, makes him rock hard all over again. mind completely lost into the ferverish sensation he’s been feeling for hours now thanks to his precious girl.

#kelin responds #answered #🥛#bnha smut #mha smut #dabi smut #touya todoroki smut #bnha x reader smut #mha x reader smut #dabi x reader smut #touya todoroki x reader smut #MILK— JESUS ON CHRIST MILK— YOU KNOW I'M WEAK FOR BREEDING KINK WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?????#dabi hit by a baby fever after realising that he wouldn't mind becoming a parent if you're the mother of his kids it's just so—#this is genuinely EVERYTHING like– he can't imagine anyone else being the mother of his childs ONLY YOU i'm so...#i need dabi to knock me up so bad guys... in these days this is my only mood fr #ALSO— do not misunderstand my post from yesterday guys i LOVE i ADORE kids seriously. they make my day better with just a smile actually 🤧#my cousins are the ones i'm mad at everytime. cause they don't know how to parenting AT ALL #they look more after their phones than their kids 💀

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marzghost · 2 months

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You're telling me Scar got the monopoly on sand in his hermitpermits and Grian got the other half of the sand monopoly by getting red sand in his hermitpermits...WHY GOD WHY! IM IN THE GOD DAMN BUILDING AGAIN! IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I MANAGE TO SEE THE END OF THIS GOD FORSAKEN DESERT IM TELEPORTED BACK INTO THE RING!

#hermitcraft season 10 #desert duo #grian #goodtimeswithscar #them bring up the life series...#i just #you can't make this shit up #hermitcraft #gtwscar #gtws #after all this time they finally have their sand monopoly #grian getting red sand...just like the sand he stained red with scars blood...#scar getting regular sand like the sand they used to build up their home on monopoly mountain...just why does my mind think like thissss

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quirkle2 · 1 month

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first amv be nicies to me about it or else

#qktalks #new hobby found ! achievement get #there was a lyric at the very start of this song (that i cut out bc it was slow and i wanted it to be a bit crazier)#that says ''i can't seem to stay me'' which was sorta the origin of why i picked this one #so there ya go #the first half is a lil rough ngl.i recognize this and if u make fun of me ill cry right on ur person #i thought i hated editing but it turns out once u have a halfway decent editing program the process Doesn't make u wanna cry #i have another song in mind but im not sure there's rly enough footage of what i want for it ... hrrmm #mob psycho 100 #mob psycho #mp100 #shigeo kageyama #mp100 mob #mp100 shigeo #flashing #<- dunno if it's necessary but just to be sure #i do kinda like that amvs take way less time than most of my other hobbies #like art takes forever building anything in any game takes centuries writing can take a long time depending on the length #but u can kinda just whip up an amv in one sitting if u know what ur doing #i Didn't know what i was doing when making This so it took me a couple days but ! now i know the basics of the program so yay

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ingravinoveritas · 2 months

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Firstly i dont think she adjusted since moving to the UK what do u think?

And secondly this post feels that its all about her again like and the character is based on her in real life but the project was longed talk about in 2017 as michael said on the Graham norton show to which michael was with Sarah at that point. It's again trying to be the centre of attention again and stay irrelevant just cos she not getting it from michael

What ur thoughts on this recent of post of Al

So, apologies that it took me all week to answer this--I feel like the entirety of the month of February has just caught up with me, which essentially feels like a lot of tiredness hitting all at once.

I did see this on Monday, however, and I just...am again at something of a loss. I got a bit down on myself over my response to her Insta story from the first preview of Nye and thinking I was overreacting/reading too much into things...and then this happens.

The first thing I would say is that I agree with you that AL is making it all about her again. The post itself comes across as PR, which it likely was because Georgia also shared the same clip that day--albeit with a caption that was actually about Michael/centered on the show. And the contrast becomes even more stark when you look at this post from Caroline Sheen. Caroline is Michael's cousin and she had a small role in The Way, and her post is much more personal and essentially what you would expect from someone who is close to someone in the production. Which subsequently makes AL's post look even more like PR in comparison.

But I think what irritates me the most about Anna's post is that it's yet another instance of her making a dig at Wales. Talking of patterns as I tend to do, she did this previously in September of last year (the #FromManhattantoTonypandy hashtag), and in both of these cases it's her reminding everyone of where she lived before, and likely where she still wishes she lived. In thinking of your initial question, AL may have adjusted to Wales in some ways, but it's clearly not where she belongs or thinks she belongs. I've written previously on my blog about her likely thinking she would be living the celebrity life in New York or London, and Wales was almost certainly a place she didn't even know existed until Michael. So this entire post feels like it's tinged with passive-aggressive resentment as a result.

Let me be clear: In no way do I think that moving to a new country is an easy thing, and it is more than understandable that someone might not love every single thing about the place in which they live, especially if they are an outsider coming from a completely different culture. But the thing is, The Way is literally about Wales. It is entirely focused on Welsh identity and history, and it is a project into which Michael has poured a tremendous amount of his passion and energy and time, which speaks to what you mentioned about him talking about this since 2017.

Why, then, would you make such a snarky comment on a post promoting a show so centered on Wales? That your own partner directed, no less? At best, it comes across as thoughtless and self-centered, and at worst, as deliberately disrespectful.

I can also fully understand why Michael put out a tweet of his own promoting the second episode less than an hour after Anna posted that story. If we are to say that Georgia is a good representative for David on social media--which she arguably is, most of the time--then Anna, by contrast, is the worst possible representative for Michael. And a post like the one above only further highlights how mismatched and wrong for each other they truly are. I also think it's pained him to refrain from tweeting for this long, and now he finally has a reason to start again, for which both we and Michael can be thankful.

So yes, those are my thoughts on AL's story from earlier this week. Glad to hear from my followers as well about your reactions to this. Thank you for writing in! x

#angel19924 #reply post #michael sheen #welsh seduction machine #the way #trying to provide a balanced perspective #but what's the old saying: when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time #choices #not all of them good #also does she really expect us to believe there is no coffee anywhere in Wales #and why would you use a PR post to complain about your life #i can't #but i will leave it to my followers to make up their own minds #anna lundberg #discourse

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add1ctedt0you · 4 months

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What a plot twist you were. [x]

#Like. The narrator introduces jc to us as the antagonist #Then we got to know him. Not who people think he's. But who he really is #And we saw jc giving wwx a piggyback. Giving him soup. Rescuing him. Putting himself between wwx and any danger (madam yu/wen soldiers)#And even the staged fight. It's yk. Staged #jc wanted to protect wwx at any cost. But wwx wasn't willing to compromise. But jc did #The fight was wwx's idea. Because jc is an enabler (just like jfm and jyl)#jc is ready to bend for his loved ones sake #The point is. Every action jc takes. Is in the name of his loves ones' safety. And surprise. wwx is one of the people jc really cares about #Even after wwx' return. Aside a broken cup. jc isn't doing much to stop wwx or anything. We know that jl was able to free wwx from Zidian #only because jc - Zidian's primary master- wanted it!#And jc fling himself into danger countless times to save wwx even though wwx can't sit still with him for a hot minute #What I wanted to say it's that the jc is presented to us - the mean ungrateful man- is very different from the real jc -#the indulgent uncle who rolls his eyes at his nephew antics. the brother who buries the hatchet for his sister's happiness.#the uncle who kinda wants to help wn to get up from the floor because he was an ass to jc but he helped jl and that's what matters to jc #the sect leader who let two women speak freely their mind in a patriarchy society #People better than me have already said this. shit I can't remember my point lmao #Like. jc is presented as an antagonist but what this man wanted was an apology and an explanation #This post is a mix of a rant I wrote last year (ha) after seeing a bad take. About what I don't remember lmaoo. And me wanting #to make gifs of wzc in this scene. Why does he look so good. It should be illegal. Seriously #jiang cheng #*mgifs

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lunarharp · 3 months

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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

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zishuge · 5 months

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Today I gave myself feels thinking about Fang Duobing, Di Feisheng, and Hulijing moving on and aging in a world without Li Lianhua. A world where Li Lianhua isn't there — but then again, he is there, in Lianhualou, and in the townspeople who flock to it, bearing gifts for the miracle doctor who once saved a life, fixed a roof, exposed a conman, comforted a child. Young Fang Duobing used to want to know every little detail about his hero, Li Xiangyi. Now Fang Duobing wants to know every detail about his beloved friend, Li Lianhua. The years pass and fewer people come. But if they remember him, Li Lianhua lives on.

(long post, half meta, half fic, bittersweet)

They travel together, with Hulijing, in Lianhualou. Fang Duobing has nothing better to do, so he takes up detective work again. Di Feisheng has nothing better to do, so he comes along. Everywhere they go, they look for Li Lianhua. And in their journeys, it seems like everywhere they go, someone is talking about Li Xiangyi. Li Xiangyi, who had always been something of a legend, but ever since his reappearance and subsequent (re)disappearance, has seemingly been elevated into something approaching godhood.

you should've seen him, people say, floating across the rooftops in red, cold and beautiful, like an avenging hero out of some novel. wasn't he dead? no — of course he wasn't, li xiangyi would never have been so easily killed. but it was bicha poison, i heard nobody could survive bicha poison. yes, he was definitely dead, and came back to life through dark magic. no, he'd been alive the whole time, just held captive by di feisheng. he tried to kill his shixiong ten years ago and failed, and came back to finish the job. no, his shixiong tried to kill the emperor and li xiangyi came to stop him. the emperor? impossible. yes — don't you know, li xiangyi is the emperor's long-lost son?

All of it only amuses Di Feisheng, but it irks Fang Duobing. The same Fang Duobing, who, when he was younger, would've hungered for every little detail about Li Xiangyi and begged to hear more, now finds it maddening to listen to these strangers talk about him as if they knew him. The world might have known Li Xiangyi, but it had never known Li Lianhua.

Li Lianhua, who could wield Shaoshi like it was a natural extension of his arm, but regularly cut his fingers clumsily slicing radishes and onions. Li Lianhua, who would invariably try to shrug off an attack of bicha poison, but yelped and jumped back from hot oil splatters in the kitchen like a child. Li Lianhua, who frowned when a passing carriage splashed mud onto his robes, but knelt carelessly into the dirt and grass to play with Hulijing.

None of them knew any of that.

But as Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng continue their travels, they begin to encounter other people as well. People who come running when they see Lianhualou in the distance tottering their way. People who come bearing gifts — a woman looking for the shenyi who had helped her with her back pain and also exposed the con artist who had tried to trick her daughter into marriage. A young man coming to thank the doctor who had given his father herbs for stress while uncovering the corrupt official who had falsely accused him of theft. An elderly couple looking for the young man who had helped them thatch their roof before a rainstorm and had given them some medicinal cream before he left. (One middle-aged man with a club, looking for the wangba quack doctor who had exposed his infidelity to his wife — he had left after one look at Di Feisheng, standing silently in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest and dao strapped across his back.) People who greet Hulijing like an old friend.

Fang Duobing listens eagerly to every story they tell him, and in return, he tells them about his brilliant, kind, exasperating friend. Di Feisheng rolls his eyes every time, but Fang Duobing notices he never walks away either. They don't talk about it. But it’s as if Li Lianhua returns, however briefly, during those visits; in those moments, Fang Duobing can almost see him standing there, bending down to pet Hulijing alongside these old friends as she grins her little doggy grin and wags her tail. She escorts their guests to the door, and sits in the doorway after they leave, looking out at the world as though waiting. He doesn't ask if Di Feisheng can see him too. They sit and share wine after these visits, and eat the fruit that the visitors bring, until Di Feisheng can stand the heavy silence no longer and pushes Fang Duobing outside to spar. Hulijing follows faithfully, as always.

(fang duobing had brought home a puppy, once. he can't remember where he found it, but he remembers that he had held it in his lap in his wheelchair, eager to show it to his uncle before taking it home to his mother. his uncle had glared, and told him that dogs were only useful to guard the house, and tianji manor already had guards, human ones, and that fang duobing would do better to focus on his swordplay rather than waste time on such useless and frivolous things. he had taken the puppy away and fang duobing had never seen it again. it wasn't until those blurry months as he rode across the countryside looking for li lianhua, hulijing trotting along ever so loyally at his side, that he realized this was just another way that shan gudao and li xiangyi were opposites.)

The years pass, and there are fewer and fewer people who come. One day Fang Duobing wakes up with the unbearable realization that he is now older than Li Lianhua had ever been, would ever be, and is unable to get out of bed for a good half a shichen. Di Feisheng leaves him be.

The years pass, and Di Feisheng grows older too. There are lines on his face, snowy white beginning to thread through his jet-black hair. Fang Duobing wants very much to tease him about it, but the words catch in his throat when he looks too closely at the signs of time on Di Feisheng's face. What a precious and altogether rare thing it is, to age.

The years pass, and Hulijing grows older too. Fang Duobing finds that more and more often, Hulijing can no longer keep up with him when he goes riding. He stops going riding. She gets cold more easily now too, and more and more often Fang Duobing wakes in the morning with Hulijing curled up under the covers next to him, her wet nose shoved into his armpit. He holds her close and thinks about Li Lianhua shivering in his arms.

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It's been nearly a year since their last visitor, but today there is an old man. He comes in the morning, bringing a basket of plums. A long time ago, he says, a young man who lived here saved my life. I had been poisoned, he says, by my son who wanted my money and my lands. The doctors said there was no cure. But then the young man came and performed a miracle. He saved my life. He saved my life.

Fang Duobing knows it was no miracle that saved him. He asks for the old man's hand and it is given readily, albeit bemusedly. He presses his fingers to the inside of the man's wrist, and is greeted with a whisper-faint, gentle thrum of yangzhouman — a soft hello from a much-beloved friend. You fool, he thinks dazedly, caught somewhere between overwhelmed that here is someone, inside whom a piece of Li Lianhua lives on, and so bitterly angry. What had it cost? Some hours, days, weeks? He doesn't let himself think of what another week might have afforded them in those wild final days, in their desperate search for a cure. Fang Duobing gives the old man back his hand and blinks back the sting of tears. He cannot talk about Li Lianhua today. He apologizes and tells him that the man he is looking for is traveling and won't be back for a few days, but that Fang-mou will pass on the message. Before he leaves, the man leans down to rub at Hulijing's ear. My old friend, he says, like me, you, too, are truly old now.

After the man leaves, Fang Duobing folds himself into a sit on the floor of Lianhualou and gathers Hulijing into his arms. Gently — her joints are stiff now, and he can't haul her around, can't roughhouse with her the way he used to. Di Feisheng comes down the stairs from where he had been listening; he stands behind Fang Duobing and places a warm, steady hand on his shoulder. At the edge of his vision, near the door, Fang Duobing can see the hazy hem of green robes. If he looks up, he wonders brokenly, what would he see? The face of a man forever frozen in youth? Or a face lined with age, snowy white beginning to thread through jet-black hair? He suddenly finds that he cannot bear to find out.

Fang Duobing knows. He knows that the myth and the outlandish rumors about proud, arrogant, beautiful Li Xiangyi will never die. But he also knows that one day, there will be no one else who comes to Lianhualou; no one left who remembers gentle, sly, infuriating Li Lianhua. One day, the old man will pass on and the piece of Li Lianhua that he carries with him will fade as well. And one day… Fang Duobing presses his forehead against the soft fur of Hulijing's neck where it has gone white and thin with age. He closes his eyes and breathes.

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Years and years and years later, Fang Duobing is awakened from where he has fallen into a light doze reading in his chair by a soft knock on the door. There is a woman standing outside, holding a small basket of pears. I think I remember this building, she says. I must've only been six years old, but I had run off and lost my parents. I fell down in the street and skinned my knees. A kind gege helped me and gave me a piece of candy. He said he would walk me home but I said I didn't know whether I should tell him where I lived. He laughed and asked if it would help if I knew where he lived. He pointed to the most fantastical and wild house I had ever seen. I think it was this place. Xiansheng, does he live here? Who was he? Do you know him?

Fang Duobing smiles and invites her inside. On the bed, the small white dog that Di Feisheng has named, ridiculously, Baigujing, raises her head and thumps her tail a few times in hello. Di Feisheng looks up from where he is writing a letter at the table. Fang Duobing leads the woman over and waves at her to sit down. He sits across from her, ignoring Di Feisheng's eyeroll, and offers her a piece of candy. He always keeps candy around. Fang Duobing smiles once more and says, if you'd like to know — there is so much I would like to tell you.

#i just... the idea that xiaobao just wants li lianhua to live in any way he can #if he can't live on in reality xiaobao will make damn sure he lives on in someone's memory #something something you die a second death when there is no one left to remember you something something legacy #one day there will only be fang duobing and di feisheng #fang duobing who was li lianhua's friend #and di feisheng who was li xiangyi's equal #but it is not this day #i hurt myself #mysterious lotus casebook #cw: pet death #it's only very vaguely mplied but just in case #my ramblings #how long does transferred inner power stay in someone else's body? *shrug*#that's probably not how the force works #i write economic research for a living why am i suddenly writing mlc fic i haven't written fic in 10 years THE BRAINROT IT IS REAL #in my mind these are simple townspeople not caught up on jianghu things & thus never knew that li lianhua was li xiangyi - whoever that is #baigujing is “white bone spirit” from journey to the west bc i thought di feisheng would find it funny #but did journey to the west even exist yet in lhl time? probably not? IDK i'm uncultured.

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givemewallywestorgivemedeath · 6 months

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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

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