#why do I feel

[brie-annwyl]

Can I fall for someone who will reciprocate my feelings for once? Please?

#goddamnit #why do I feel #it sucks #(idk if they feel the same or not but life sucks sometimes and I’ve been too happy recently)

[shattered-lazuli]

Welp, twitter won't let me post anything, so guess I'll have to vent here. Sorry for it, it's not anything serious, just something stuck in my chest, y'all can just ignore this.

It's difficult to be friends with someone when they hate your hyperfixation. Like they'll vent in group chats about it and how it sucks everyone in the friend group is into it, and it just... makes me feel awful....

Especially because it's something that means so much to me: it's brought back my passion for drawing, it helped me improve my art and it got me to make so many new friends.

But I don't want to tell them it's wrong for them to say, because it's not. They have a valid reason not to like it and feel uncomfortable by it, but it still sucks so bad

I actually feel demotivated to share my characters in the server we are, because they're related to it. They're a pretty awesome person and I'm sure that they wouldn't want to make feel bad on purpose, so it's why I don't want to tell them.

#vent #autism go aaahhhhhhh #it's kinda dumb sorry #can't believe I actually cried writing this #why do I feel #feelings are dumb

[santicazorla]

actual picture of me rn wish i was lying

#hurting SO MUCH #why do i feel #fuck off feelings #wish i didn’t care wish i was a NORMAL PERSON WHO MILDLY ENJOYS SPORTS AND DOESNT MAKE IT EVERY PRT OF THEIR SOUL

[xxx-calibur]

💋💋💋💋💋 Lili to Karp

💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

"H-hey you're- mnnh..! being super ener- ahha~ energetic. W-whats your name agai-" And no more words out of this girl's mouth, not with that storm of kisses coming her way. Hell, it was less multiple kisses and more of a hot, heavy highschool style make-out session the way Lili had this subby girl pinned to the nearest wall by her wrists, utterly dominated by touch and lip and tongue. To say Karp was turned on was an understatement as she just fully sank into the intensity and submitted herself. Hopefully Lili didn't take notice of that pathetic little hard on she had during all this... The last thing she needed was to be bullied and turned on even further by this woman she didn't even know.

#haemoxin #shameless insert | karp #why do i feel #like you're just lili right n ow #to fucking bully me like this

[maroon-winestain]

me bcos i woke up today with the urge to fix my life 🧍‍♀️

#why do i feel #good #??? #why do i feel motivated???

[moncuries]

guess what i watched on new years (a redraw kind of)

#hee hee #it was cute #(disclaimer i do not subscribe to d+ so my dollar was not going there iykyk) #pjo #percy jackson #grover underwood #annabeth chase #my art #fanart #hoo #i had to take silly pics of myself 2 get percys arm hand thing right #and then just cropped it bc yea #i almost gave annabeth the hair i did in the last one but i thought #why do i feel compelled to change her hair to fit the old image i had from the books and not the others #and i drew her actual hair from the show #and it looks sm better

[hamletthedane]

I was meeting a client at a famous museum’s lounge for lunch (fancy, I know) and had an hour to kill afterwards so I joined the first random docent tour I could find. The woman who took us around was a great-grandmother from the Bronx “back when that was nothing to brag about” and she was doing a talk on alternative mediums within art.

What I thought that meant: telling us about unique sculpture materials and paint mixtures.

What that actually meant: an 84yo woman gingerly holding a beautifully beaded and embroidered dress (apparently from Ukraine and at least 200 years old) and, with tears in her eyes, showing how each individual thread was spun by hand and weaved into place on a cottage floor loom, with bright blue silk embroidery thread and hand-blown beads intricately piercing the work of other labor for days upon days, as the labor of a dozen talented people came together to make something so beautiful for a village girl’s wedding day.

What it also meant: in 1948, a young girl lived in a cramped tenement-like third floor apartment in Manhattan, with a father who had just joined them after not having been allowed to escape through Poland with his pregnant wife nine years earlier. She sits in her father’s lap and watches with wide, quiet eyes as her mother’s deft hands fly across fabric with bright blue silk thread (echoing hands from over a century years earlier). Thread that her mother had salvaged from white embroidery scraps at the tailor’s shop where she worked and spent the last few days carefully dying in the kitchen sink and drying on the roof.

The dress is in the traditional Hungarian fashion and is folded across her mother’s lap: her mother doesn’t had a pattern, but she doesn’t need one to make her daughter’s dress for the fifth grade dance. The dress would end up differing significantly from the pure white, petticoated first communion dresses worn by her daughter’s majority-Catholic classmates, but the young girl would love it all the more for its uniqueness and bright blue thread.

And now, that same young girl (and maybe also the villager from 19th century Ukraine) stands in front of us, trying not to clutch the old fabric too hard as her voice shakes with the emotion of all the love and humanity that is poured into the labor of art. The village girl and the girl in the Bronx were very different people: different centuries, different religions, different ages, and different continents. But the love in the stitches and beads on their dresses was the same. And she tells us that when we look at the labor of art, we don’t just see the work to create that piece - we see the labor of our own creations and the creations of others for us, and the value in something so seemingly frivolous.

But, maybe more importantly, she says that we only admire this piece in a museum because it happened to survive the love of the wearer and those who owned it afterwards, but there have been quite literally billions of small, quiet works of art in billions of small, quiet homes all over the world, for millennia. That your grandmother’s quilt is used as a picnic blanket just as Van Gogh’s works hung in his poor friends’ hallways. That your father’s hand-painted model plane sets are displayed in your parents’ livingroom as Grecian vases are displayed in museums. That your older sister’s engineering drawings in a steady, fine-lined hand are akin to Da Vinci’s scribbles of flying machines.

I don’t think there’s any dramatic conclusions to be drawn from these thoughts - they’ve been echoed by thousands of other people across the centuries. However, if you ever feel bad for spending all of your time sewing, knitting, drawing, building lego sets, or whatever else - especially if you feel like you have to somehow monetize or show off your work online to justify your labor - please know that there’s an 84yo museum docent in the Bronx who would cry simply at the thought of you spending so much effort to quietly create something that’s beautiful to you.

#shut up e #long post #Saturday thoughts #this has been in my drafts for a week haha #also this is the heart of why AI art feels so wrong #forget the discussion of copyright and theft etc - even if models were only trained on public domain they would still feel very wrong #because they’re not art. art is the labor of creation #even commercial art and art commissioned by the popes and kings of history: there is humanity in the labor of it #unrelated: I did not know living in the Bronx was now something to brag about. How the fuck do y’all New Yorkers afford this city???

[hansoeii]

crowley

#fem presenting crowley you're everything to me #as you might know I've been recovering from an injury these past few weeks which is why I couldn't draw as much as usual #been doing a bit better so I wanted to give drawing a try again #while my arm isn't back to normal yet it feels a LOT better than 2 weeks ago #which is a good sign #still gonan take things easy of course #good omens #good omens fanart #crowley #fem crowley #why was one of teh suggestions for that tag fem crocodile #I'll have to look that up #david tennant #crowley fanart #aziracrow #aziracrow fanart #my art #fanart #my good omens art #good omens 2

[oars]

#i feel like tge fact im apprehensive about posting this is kinda proving my point #the way everyone talks about both weight gain and weight loss is just horrendous #like idek if i could fit all i wanna say in here especially while im at work but #i so badly wish people could be normal about weight gain and talking about it #its like if youre not in some constant state of wanting to lose weight people want to kill you #god forbid you want to put on weight to feel more comfortable in your body outside of muscles and a butt #fatphobia is a given thats a whole other few paragraphs #im grateful i have mutuals and friends who are normal but ill have or hear these convos and go #ok i feel sick. why do i feel this way why do you feel that way. #anyways i think fatphobia is one of the worst things to ever happen

[savelindsaylohan]

🙁?

#why do i feel uneasy by this lol....

[snarkspawn]

based ofc on this

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 fanart #astarion ancunin #bg3 astarion #astarion #stuff and things #userpharawee #I'm back! hi :D #just a quick silly thing to try and get back into the groove after two weeks hhh #wHY do I always feel like I forgot how to draw after not drawing for a while uGH. anyway. #how have you guys been? I hope 2024 is treating you well so far ♥︎

[blueboyluca]

“When I first heard it, from a dog trainer who knew her behavioral science, it was a stunning moment. I remember where I was standing, what block of Brooklyn’s streets. It was like holding a piece of polished obsidian in the hand, feeling its weight and irreducibility. And its fathomless blackness. Punishment is reinforcing to the punisher. Of course. It fit the science, and it also fit the hidden memories stored in a deeply buried, rusty lockbox inside me. The people who walked down the street arbitrarily compressing their dogs’ tracheas, to which the poor beasts could only submit in uncomprehending misery; the parents who slapped their crying toddlers for the crime of being tired or hungry: These were not aberrantly malevolent villains. They were not doing what they did because they thought it was right, or even because it worked very well. They were simply caught in the same feedback loop in which all behavior is made. Their spasms of delivering small torments relieved their frustration and gave the impression of momentum toward a solution. Most potently, it immediately stopped the behavior. No matter that the effect probably won’t last: the reinforcer—the silence or the cessation of the annoyance—was exquisitely timed. Now. Boy does that feel good.”

— Melissa Holbrook Pierson, The Secret History of Kindness (2015)

#dog books #this chapter was very sad reading #when you become aware of punishment #and its use and its prevalence #it's hard not to despair #again this is why positive reinforcement feels like absolution #maybe now my eyes are open I can make up for what I did #what I did because it's what everyone does #because it's more acceptable to punish than to do anything else #I've been having so many thoughts about punishment and society and justice #this book was very validating #another great validating moment in my jumbled thoughts #was listening to the You're Wrong About episode on justice #with Amanda Knox #it helped to ease the despair a little

[themetalhiro]

Obligatory “what if they were evil” sketch

#why do i feel like theyd get along better this way #metalhiro arts #one piece #sanji #one piece fanart #vinsmoke sanji #blackleg sanji #op sanji #zoro #roronoa zoro #pirate hunter zoro #op zoro #zosan

[saewokhrisz]

together in death

#this art saved me i had such an awful art block #kinda feeling guilty i had to stop working on comms yesterday cuz i felt really burnt out from them )--)0 #god. i know i drew this but like minas face? it kills me #why did i do that #persona 3 #ryomina #minato arisato #ryoji mochizuki #fanart #persona #my art #spoilers

[tiktaalic]

one of my beloved friends (very autism) was in.. not denial but ignorance sounds mean. but that abt themself last time you brought up the raads r test so i sent it to the gc (full of autism) and they were like psh. fake test no one could get below 100. they know now but i think about it so much

The thing is. When you take the autism test. And you see your score is in the 100 to 160 range. You think. Oh this is probably the middle? Middle autism. Tinge of autism. Your relatives calling you bright but shy autism. Just a whiff of autism. And then you see the score ranges. And you go. This test is lying to me there is absolutely no way the majority of people score under 65. The 65 number is such a low cutoff and so many of these experiences are clearly universal a score under 65 is something they made up in a lab. People who score under 65 are obviously scoring just under that mark from 59 to 64 and they’re also obviously lying or purposely misrepresenting their experiences as less severe than they are. And then you find out there are real people who get a 20 or 30 or 7 on it. And you go. Ah

#ask #anonymous #it does help to remember when I’m feeling extremely crazy that it’s more than likely because I am operating in a world populated by people w #who don’t know what raads r is because they have no reason to take it because their score on it would be like. 14. #like. oh! that’s why I feel crazy. because my brain has created a world state that 98% of usa adults do not create or experience because #they’re normal. ok.

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop