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crmsnmth-journal · 8 hours

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4/26/2024 10:33 PM

So I actually have stuff to write about today. I still feel like utter garbage, and if this goes through the weekend, then I need to go into the hospital on Monday morning. It's not unbearable all the time, but when it's really acting up, I don't even want to move. Each movement is like hands on my digestive tract. I hate it. So I've been crabby today. It's to be expected.

But what happened should not be expected, and the old me would've walked right the fuck out of the alley and never looked back. One of our liquor distributors came in today at about three. It's fish night, so I'd been there since ten, doing prep and blah blah blah. None of this matters. What matter is that she was doing samples today of some new whiskey drink. Mike knows I'm sober. I do not drink at all. I cannot drink. I lose control, and when I lose control, it could very lead to my death, and I'm not ready to go yet. Mike put that shot glass under my fucking nose, and asked if I was ready to day drink. I pushed it away, and said I don't drink. He knows this. He knows because I've mentioned it numerous times. There used to be a guy who would come in and buy the kitchen a drink. Mike continued to bug me about it, saying I was only sober because I'm on probation. I've been sober since before I got put on paper. There's not much I ask for from the people I know in my life, not much at all. But a major one is do not fuck with my sobriety or my being clean from drugs. My best friend of almost thirty years is a heavy alcoholic. He's functioning, but he drinks very heavy. And he's tried to quit numerous times, even asking me how I did it. You know what he doesn't do? He doesn't hand me a beer when I come over. I can handle people drinking in front me now. In the beginning I couldn't, but now I'm pretty strong in it. Friends don't fuck with this kind of thing. And now I know, that Mike, although he tries, he is not my friend. At all. I mean, I've never really liked the arrogant jackass, but I did consider him my friend. I don't like people all that much, so even the people I consider friends and family aren't usually liked all that much. Sometimes, because of that fact, it's hard for me to figure out who's a friend and who's just an asshole. And lately, more and more, I'm seeing how big of a prick Mike really is. His jokes are designed to offend. And not in funny ways. Racist and extreme sexism is never funny. At least to my moral compass, and I don't want to align myself with people who do find that shit funny. But now, I don't think it's all a joke to him. I think he's serious, and talking to me about politics is not the best thing to do. I'm a nihilist, ex-anarchist. I'm pretty far on the left. This town's pretty far on the right. I keep my mouth shut, because it's not worth fighting it here. I cannot be who I truly am here, because that's a guarantee I'll get the shit kicked out of me. Someday, I'll get out of here again.

I am still pretty crabby, and there's always the chance that I misunderstood and took things wrong. I mean, that's always a pretty big possibility. My social skills are extremely bad.

On top of that, the night was insane. 8 top, 4 top, 4 top, 6 top, 8 top, 8 top, 12 top. That's how we started and it didn't slow down until we shut the kitchen down at nine. I actually felt bad for the mess Sherry had to finish. It wasn't much. I was able to get most of the heavier stuff out of the way before the cab came at 9:30. Still, finishing up salad bar is a pain to start at 9:30.

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crmsnmth-journal · 1 day

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4/25/2024 10:41 PM

If I wasn't trying to keep my everyday habit, I wouldn't have written anything in here today. I'm just not in the mood for it. I'm tired, and my stomach is still acting up. So I'm just pissy, uncomfortable, and very tired.

I have an interview at GL tomorrow, so I guess that's my big news. We'll see what happens.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts #punkrocksoapoperas #punk rock soap operas

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crmsnmth-journal · 2 days

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4/24/2024 10:19 PM

It was a quiet day today. Even work seemed more mellow then usual. Sherry was an hour late, but it wasn't like she was really needed. Besides, I left early tonight, so I guess it evened out. I left because I'm still feeling weird. Not just mentally, but physically as well. I've had a headache since I woke up. My stomach is acting up, so there's not a whole lot I'm good at. It's called Tenesmus. It's a just another symptom of the wonders of ulcerative colitis. It'll go away in a day or two, but those two days are extremely uncomfortable. And it's not like I can take any chances with it. Shitting your pants is not how I thnk anyone really wants to spend their days.

But now, I'm home, I took some ibuprofen with the rest of my meds, and hopefully that takes care of the headaches. The stomach? I just need to deal with it. And the best way to do that, is to sleep as much of it as possible away. So that's the plan. Futurama and sleeping meds. Another glamorous day.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts #punkrocksoapoperas #punk rock soap operas

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crmsnmth-journal · 3 days

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4/23/2024 11:36 PM

I'm not good today. Anxiety is really high, i feel like something is going to go wrong, and I don't have a single clue what it is. I know that in reality everything is going to be fine, I know this. But I can't pull out of the paranoia and I find myself standing in the kitchen with a big kitchen knife just in case my paranoia and anxiety aren't just part of the picture. It doesn't help I haven't been sleeping well. I'm getting sleep, but I've always been a pretty sound sleeper. Now, after jail, I wake to every single tiny noise. It's strange the habits I still keep that I picked up in jail. I make my bed right away in the morning. I spend my free time, jotiting stuff down in a notebook, I take my shoes off when entering anyone's houses, and I can't sleep witout a light on. I don't really know if that's jail, because I've always needed the TV on. I thought it was just the noise, but it must have been the glow too. I'm rambling. I'm tired. I took my meds a little over an hour ago and there starting to do they're thing. I can tell, because the walls look like their melting sometimes, or my laptop screen with look like it's pulsing. It used to freak me out when this would happen, because it rarely happens. I'm not sure how to cause it, but I've got it tonight. This is taking me more time then I care to admit to type. I think it's time for bed anyway.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts #punkrocksoapoperas #punk rock soap operas

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crmsnmth-journal · 4 days

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4/22/2024 10:10 PM

I went to work for a total of maybe fifteen minutes of actual work. I could've stayed on longer, but instead I went with my grandmother to an Amish Bent and Dent country store. Basically, it's just rejected cans and bags of food. Some's past it's expiration date by a bit, but for most things it's alright. I get a lot of snack foods from there and today was no different. Plus, they had a box of my favoritre cereal. It's called Quisp and the only place I've ever found it before was at the same little Amish store. That was sometime in 2016 or 2017. I still have the box, but the cereal is so good. I thought I'd never see it again, to be honest. I love it so muc. It's like Captain Crunch but so much better. I don't even know how to fully explain. One box made it my favorite cereal I've ever had.

Other than that I didn't really do much of anything. My stomach was acting up all day. Tenesmus is what they call it. It's part of the IBS stuff, and I have UC. I get flair ups like this all the time, and it just nakes for a very long day with constant running to the bathroom to sit and stare at my phone while my stomach just cramps. And then it fades away. It usually only last a few days and there isn't a whole lot I can really do for it. Drink Pepto like it's water and that only seems to work a little bit. I even watch what I eat for the most part. I ate real food today.

I'm calling GL tomorrow. They're still looking for a cook and if I can get in there part time, I could work both jobs. Do Sunday Monday Tuesday and Thursday at GL and Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday at the Alley. And I can still do truck and my extra stuff. I know, that that becomes no days off, and as much as I love my days off, they aren't really needed all that often. Esepcially in a better enviroment. I'm going to work dual for a while not matter what. I don't want to quit at the alley, because that bridge will burn when the words two weeks notice leave my mouth. And then I find out I hate the new place even more, what am I supposed to do? I quit, and I won't be allowed to come back. Not for a few years, if I work to bury the hatchet.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts

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crmsnmth-journal · 5 days

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4/21/2024 9:18 PM

I didn't write at all last night. Instead, I fell asleep while playing Stardew Valley. Started a whole new game. And promptly have become addicted to it again.

Nothing really interesting happened yesterday. Work, and work was very slow. I guess it was prom last night, so it made since we were dead. My youngest brother went and hasn't come home yet. I just find that kind of strange. But who knows. My guess is he's hungover at a friends house.

Today was equally boring. Just a couple of nicely quiet days. Tomorrow, I go in to do truck, inventory and basic maintenance so at least my cab will be paid for. Plus I have to get some minor groceries. It's always quiet with the switch of seasons.

I can't smoke out my window. The bats fly uncomfortably close on the roof.

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crmsnmth-journal · 7 days

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4/19/2024 10:44 PM

So the apartment Tim was offering is off the table. He wants 600$ a month, and I could afford it, but I wouldn't have anything at all to actually live off of. With child support and my probation/court fees, it's just not financially viable. It sucks because I did like the little cave like apartment. It wouldv'e been perfect for now. Oh well. Something will come up eventually. Just keep my ear to the ground and something will fall in place. It usually does, in time.

Work was busy for about an hour out of the night. Sherry was good tonight. Kept up with everything, actually listened to what was needed. It wasn't all that bad. I just wish she wasn't in a talkative mood tonight. I'm still kind of down, and I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I just passively listened and paid more attention to 80's pop music.

The wake was today, I think. It's the only reason I can picture the funeral home being as busy as it was for a few hours. I didn't go over. Not my place. The parking lot was full, and so was the Subway next door. Even our lot held some of the overflow. It was a sad sight to see. All those people. And not one of them saw anything. How many of them actually talked to him in the last two months? Out of all the people there, I'm guessing only a very small handful. It's the way it goes. We're so focused on ourselves, and our own battles, that we forget that all around us, there's private wars being fought by every single person. And it's not a war that we really can afford to ultimately lose. This stuff gets to me too much. It's still getting to me. I know most of the story. And stuff that most people would just look past becomes a sign they never saw. That I knew in the story I was told. He tried giving away everything he owned about a week before. He was super depressed and suddenly, without warning, he was more outgoing, and hung out with a few friends. That was two or three weeks ago. I see them. I see them well. The reason he suddenly changed his demeanor. He made the decision. For him, his suffering had an expiration date. It's a shame it meant his life though. I barely knew the guy. I couldn't even claim him has an aquaintance. Just another stranger in the grocery store.

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crmsnmth-journal · 8 days

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4/19/2024 1:07 AM

I almost didn't do this tonight but I can't sleep and maybe this will help calm my brain.

It was an ok day, I guess. I didn't get all that much done, but it was cold, windy and rainy outside, and it just kind of sucked any energy I had out of me. So Istarted a new game of Stardew for the first time on PC and played that all day. Hulu kept freeziomg up on my PS4 so it was disc sky. I don't have a very large collection anymore, but I do have a cople that I can watch quite a ew times (Here's looking at you Rocky Horror).

I'm sad today, to be honest. Luke's suicide is getting to me. Still. I know how he elt before he did it. That rush of peace. It's almost like relief, and I guess in a way it is. It's knowing that whatever problem you've given so much energy to is finally over. I hate that I know that feeling so well. I think this one's going to fuck with my ead for a long time.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts

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crmsnmth-journal · 9 days

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4/17/2024 11:12 PM

I person I used to know back in middle school hung himself last night in his shop. Luke. His brother, Sam, was the one to find him this morning, hanging from the rafters. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of pain. Nobody knew, but rarely any ever does. I've been on that road before and had incidents in the past I was lucky enough to have survived those very dark periods. We weren't friends. Me and Luke, I mean. He was two or three years younger than me, and the only reason we probably ever spoke was because we rode the bus together. When Pokemon was at it's peak in the begiining we would play a basterdized version of the trading card game. He left behind a kid. I could never do that to Milo. I could never leave him here with more questions

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crmsnmth-journal · 10 days

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4/16/2024 8:54 PM

Sons of anarchy is…not a good show in my opinoin but I seem to rewatch it pretty often because it's violent dumb fun. And because the soundtrack is one of the best tv soundtracks I've ever heard, and almost every song and cover that's played is on my playlist. I like blues, and some of the Curtis Stigers and the Forest Rangers tracks are just good old fashioned guitar blues. And his voice. Oh, his voice, especially on Come Join the Murder is awe inspiring. It's deep, and it's soulful, and he manages to carry emotion so well. I just will not stop gushing on that soundtrack. And like I sai, it's trashy fun.

I got to see the apartment Tim's offering me today. It is really small. I mean, tiny. I mean, the bedroom is set off on it's own, there's a full bathroom with shower and bathtub, but the living room and kitchen area is the same room, and it's only ten or twelve feet wide. Maybe even smaller. It's fine for what I need now, but when I start getting to see my son again and eventually get to have weekend visitation (I will fight until I'm in the ground to see him. Nothing will stop me, and I have been through hell with his mother, and I will see my son again. And I will get to see him and be his father. I miss him everyday. Sorry. Sob story.) and that means he'll need a place to stay. I guess for now it would work great. I don't need much. I don't have much that I care about really. My laptop. My notebooks. I don't own any furniture other than a mattress that will end up laying on a boxsrping on the floor and a chair I somehow managed to steal from a Holiday Inn a long time ago. I could make it work. All I really need is a place to sleep and eat. I don't do anything else anymore, really. I don't drink at all anymore, and that's what most of this town does. And for quite a few, sadly, it's all the do. That's Wisconsin for you. It was easier to get clean then it was to get sober, by a huge margin. And being in a very small town does not help. Everything is drinking. Every festival and events that happen, there's always booze. And the bars are always involved. I can't say a whole lot, considering I work in the kitchen of one of those bars, but it still makes me sad to think about. I remember how drinking messed up a lot of my life, if not the whole thing numerous times and yet it was never somehow part of the problem. I'd just crack another beer, or down another shot. Coping skills wrapped in a brown bottle. It was really hard when I moved back to the area. I had a few slip ups, but I pulled myself back up, and I've done really good. I don't like to brag, in fact I hate it, but I will brag about this. And I will brag about it always.

It's super windy today. I walked from the alley to the bank, and usually it's about a ten-minute walk. Going to the bank took me almost twenty from being pushed back. Going back, I flew. We had a nice thunderstorm too. Lightning, wind, thunder and rain. It didn't last long, maybe fifteen minutes, but I'll take it. I love storms. I love weather in general. I got that from my dad. We used to watch tornado specials whenever they were on. It was one of the very few things him and I ever bonded over. He even wants his ashes spread in the middle of a really good storm. And we'll make that happen.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts

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crmsnmth-journal · 11 days

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4/15/2024 9:23 PM

My bedroom light is on right now, and it's bugging me, and I only now just remembered my glasses are sitting ontop of my ps4. The light I could ignore, but I've hit the delete button at least two times on every single word. Even the ones featuring only two letters. Dammit. There. Better. And I turned off my light. Today starts the summer hours for the alley. We are now no longer open Mondays and Tuesdays. I still have to go in on Monday mornings to do inventory and place the order. This takes me five minutes. Maybe ten if I need some extra stuff. I do most of it throughout Saturday nights. So my cab ride actually ends up costing me more then what I actually make in five minutes. My boss could easily do it, considering he lives a block away from the alley, but it is what it is. This is where I supplement my hours. Cleaning and maintence that I never have to time to do otherwise that I can finally get down. Deep cleaning the kitchen is my least favorite thing to do, but I'm not going to deny how great the satisfaction factor is. So that's what I do now, and remind myself of why I need to get out of there.

I had therapy today. It was kind of weird. Started off like normal, mostly me just whining for ten minutes about all the very small problems I actually have in my life. And then we ended up talking about my childhood. Which is odd. We've been down this road before. It's not a very fun road, and I don't even know how it came up today. But it did. And we once again went over how me, my middle brother and my youngest brother all had very different childhoods. And I forgave my parents already for what I was given. I don't blame them. They were young and stupid. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to exist (as sick as it sounds, my dad used to call me his favorite accident. You'd have to get our humor to find that funny and not as awful as it sounds). Both my parents were…we'll call them party people. They loved trees, and they loved booze, and they especially loved it when it snowed. Both of them had addiction issues, and wouldn't you know it, both me and my middle brother (same parents. my youngest brother has a different dad) both have addiction issues. My childhood was lonely and a lot of being yelled at or grounded to my room or just being told go away. my middle brother had both mom and dad doting over him up until the affair and drugs led to divorce. Then I raised him until I got the fuck out of the house, jumping between my shitty little town to the town I'll always consider my real hometown. And the youngest is exactly that. The youngest. The baby who can do no wrong. Each one of us had radically different childhoods, and it's interesting to see how we all turned out. It's weird to be as close to someone like either of them. Honestly, if we weren't related, I don't think any one of us would be friends…and I kind of wonder if that's normal. Would anyone actually be friends with their family members if they weren't related or grown up together? I'm not really sure most people would.

#journal #my blog #blog #life #my journal #my stuff #my post #my writing #personal #personal blog #slice of life #writing #nonfiction #inner thoughts #personal thoughts

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crmsnmth-journal · 12 days

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4/14/2024 9:00 PM

I had a really good Sunday. I didn't get much done at all, but I got to refresh my head. I went down to the river's edge and hiked to the bridge and back, about four miles all together. The woods are really waking up now that it seems spring is officially here. I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, we probably hit seventy degrees today. There's a tradeoff though, because now my room seems unreasonably hot. I won't open my window, because my screen has holes in it, and I really do not like bats in the house. I love to see them outside, but I do not like them flying around my house. They freak me out, and for some reason or other, rabies scares the absolute hell out of me. I don't mess with wild animals that can bite me and kill me with a disease that looks like something extremely horrible to go through.

I got my first negative "you suck" comments on one of my poems, and, maybe this is weird, but that makes me beyond happy. Sure, getting likes and reblogs, and nice comments are fun and all, but I was waiting until someone thinks I am so awful at what I love to do, that they need to tell me. If it's constructive, I'm all for it, and I will take those opinions with deep consideration, but to those who just tell me I suck, without really knowing anything about what I do, or more importantly WHY i do what i do, I feel sad for. Art critics. The idea of being a critic in any form of art fields is a laugh. Art is subjective. What I write means something different for someone else. What I see in my head is a totally different painting then the one hanging up on the wall. What I hear in music is far off from what someone else's ears hear. And that should be respected. I can't stand Taylor Swift, but I respect her place in the music world. I don't think Van Gogh paintings aren't all the beautiful, but I still consider him one of the masters but I'd put Robert S. Connet on that hill too. Memento dragged on, but Christopher Nolan is one of my favorite directors. And if you see something, and your thought is "wow, this sucks" and not "Let's try to make it better" maybe it's best you just shut the fuck up and let people have their thing. I will always love "You suck" comments, on the simple fact I've pissed one more stranger off.

But now, I'm sitting here, writing this and I'll write a few other lines while watching Melancholia for who knows how many times. I love me some Lars Von Trier films. The guy is a master at his craft. I need a break from Futurama anyway. As much as I love the show, after a bit some of the characters just irritate me and I can't do the show. I'm at a good spot to take a break anyway. The very beginning of the "movie" season.

Hopefully my brother turns up soon. They were headed into town so I sent them with some money to pack me up some soda and pop tarts. Yes, I know. I eat like a twelve year old. I don't care. I don't eat much, and when a strawberry poptart and a coke is all I can get down, it's healthier than not eating anything at all, right? Kind of ironic isn't it? A chef with no appetite. I can't remember the last time I ate something from where I work.

I did forget to take about Jolie yesterday. I've known her for years, as she used to run the kitchen in the American Legion at the same time I first took over the bowling alley kitchen. And we have always gotten along extremely well. It's always a good time when she's around. Just that kind of person. So she left the legion and hasn't done anything in the business since, but her and her husband are looking to buy a restaurant, and she offered me the job to come on has an actual head chef. I mean, I'd get to do menus again, and work with distributors and come up with stuff and have the actual fun parts of the job handed back. Of course, that means I'd also have to do the shitty parts too, budgets, scheduling, budgets, most maintence, did I mention budgets? Still, maybe it's a sign? I've been talking about how badly I want out of the alley, that maybe this is the universe giving me an option to do that, and maybe even re-light the fire and the passion for food to burn bright again?

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crmsnmth-journal · 13 days

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4/13/2024 11:04 PM

I saw them both today, which is really weird. I guess I should explain a little since the last time I saw either of them was before I started this. There are two girls who randomly appear in this town. One looks exactly like ***** and the other is one I seem to always end up exchanging looks too. And I saw them both today at the alley. The doppelganger was bowling, and I swear she looks so much like ***** that the first time I saw her, I almost went into a major panic attack. Luckily, I realized it wasn't her, and my life could go on. But still, every time she appears, it always catches me off guard. The other girl, I swear I knew at one time or another. I just feel that somehow we know each other from some circle somewhere, or something. She's very cute, and I find it weird that I find her attractive. She's not part of the usual sectors I seek in looks on partner. In fact, she's almost the exact opposite, with long blonde hair, a face that somehow looks young and aged at the same time, and dresses in I guess what is the normal look for Central Wisconsin. And I always catch her staring at me, and she usually catches me. And there's always that quiet exchanged smile. And then poof, she's gone. It kind of irritates me that I haven't at least attempted to say hello, but I know the reason for that, and I'm not ready to really face that problem head on. Someday, I will. But not today.

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crmsnmth-journal · 14 days

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4/12/2024 10:50 PM

Today was…well, it wasn't bad. I can't say it was good, but it wasn't bad. It just kind of was, I guess. Work was busy for about two hours and then it died down to nothing for most of the night. Sherry is still being weird, so I'm pretty sure something's either going on in her life, or she got weed gummies and is stoned when she comes to work. I can't say anything because before probation I was usually high at work myself, and I'm sure once I get off probation I'll use weed again as a medicinal thing to help with the anxiety disorders that ravage my head. It's going to be a long time before it's ever legal here in Wisconsin. Our state is too worried about drinking, and the "tavern league" (which always makes me think of the villains of old super hero cartoons. The League of Evil) destroys any chance it actually has to pass. It's sad too, because it does work as a wonderful anti-depressant. It helps me to remember to eat, which I'm just realizing I haven't done today and I'm not sure I have the energy to go make something. Hurray for cold pop-tarts and Squirt soda. I always talk about getting out of this state for good. Moving somewhere warm where I will rarely see snow. Someday. If I ever get the ambition to leave. I'm not old. Not yet. I'm not young, but I still have time to better my life. Even if all I have is the next few minutes, I will always strive to be better than I was was just a second ago.

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crmsnmth-journal · 15 days

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part 4 (end of 4/11/2024)

Other than that, it wasn't all that bad of a day. Cleaned my room, changed Trash's litter. Yes, my cat's name is Trash. No, it's not to be mean. There's two reasons for that. She was abandoned by her mother in my grandmother's basement in a garbage can. I found her and took care of her and ever since I got her she has not left my side for more than a few weeks at a time (Not including jail). She's traveled all over this state, and still manages to be the biggest pain in my ass. And second because Return of the Living Dead is a great movie. Anyway, I got all the garbage togethor and out by the road, and managed to clean the kitchen and downstairs bathroom. Actually, now that I think about it, today was pretty full. It's been the most productive day off I've had for a bit.

I'm ending it early tonight though. I'm tired. I didn't sleep all that well last night, so I'm just going to start my normal sleep routine now. Take my meds, work out the ideas I got during the day, read, and then probably fall asleep to Futurama.

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crmsnmth-journal · 15 days

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part 3

My last words to my father were simple, yet in that moment, those small words took on more meaning then I can even begin to try and explain. I just said "I love you, Pop." And then we left the room. I choose not to remember him as the way he looked in a hospital gown, hooked up to tubes going in and out of his body. The constant beeping of his monitors. The smell of shit and cleaning products. I choose to remember him as the loud, boisterous and extrremely intelligent man he was. And even though we didn't get all that much time togethor (35 years of my life, and I can say only maybe about ten of those years were good between us) I will forever be grateful that his and I's relationship was healing at the end. We bonded. I spent time with him, and he spent time with me. I pick up the guitar I bought off of him (A beautiful ESP Warlock) and when I play, it's always with him in mind now.

It's my day off and I still had to play the part of kitchen manager. I guess at least I didn't have to go in to take care of the problem, so that's a plus. I just needed my phone and my laptop. I order from one distrubitor for our kitchen supply and some, but not all, dry storage and bar items. Mike takes care of the stuff I don't get through a different distrubitor. It all boils down to price of items, of course. Either way, our to-go containers we usually get through him. We do not have any because he forgot to order them and tomorrow night is our fish fry, and we'll get 20-30 to-gos within the first hour (that's a lot for us). So I had to call the four other restaurants who we're on good terms with and find to-go containers. I did it, but dammit, it was supposed to be a day off of work. Either way, I know owe GL a sleeve of to-go containers. Easy fix.

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crmsnmth-journal · 15 days

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part 2

Of course, now when I sing along to "Gone Away" it's a whole new meaning then before. Especially the piano version of the song. Or the best father's day gift I ever came up. I took my dad to see Motley Crue (one of the first bands we really bonded over. Shout At The Devil is one of our desert island albums that we both agreed on. And seeing them play, before Vince Neil got so out of shape that he can't sing (we've all see the awful version of Kickstart My Heart HI-YA!). I remember smoking a pencil lead joint right before they came on. It was a great night. So even though, through most of my life, my dad and I weren't really close, some of the best memories that I have come from him. The first time I did DMT, flying remote control planes. Living in his basement before getting out on my own. Dying my hair green, just because he couldn't see that color (Colorblind). He didn't just pass down my eternal and undying love for music that was powerful and emotional. He also passed down ankylosing spondilitis. I have the gene fore it, but he had it so badly. The end of my dad's life was riddled with health issues. His disease had eaten his bones for years. And then he got his felonies, so I guess we kind of bonded on our criminal side as well. The only difference between his and mine was that he actually commited his crime (home-made 'fireworks', never to hurt anyone, just to see a big boom). Then he had his stroke which drained his body to almost nothing. At the end, he weighed less than I did and I was pretty skinny at that time. I constantly wonder if maybe the car accident wasn't really an accident. His PO told me today that he was really worried that he wasn't going to see another Christmas. And that makes me sad. He did see another Christmas. He just saw it, drugged up in a hospital bed and deciding that this was it. It was over. The DNR was signed and they sent him on his way to a hospice facility. He died with my step-mom and his dog, Radar, in the room. And I think that was the perfect way for him to go. At peace, with his two loves. He went quietly. His eyes closed, and they just never opened again, at least not on this plain. I think that's why I've taken it so well. He died early and unexpected. But we all came down and said good-bye.

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