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datinginthedot · 7 years

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New year, old relationship

I originally wrote this post on November 4th, the two month mark of my relationship with Mr. Handyman. I was absolutely smitten and never ended up posting it as we were were just too infatuated with each other to spend a moment apart. HE was my priority- not my silly little dating blog!

After everything that has transpired this past weekend (spoiler alert) I feel incredibly upset rereading this. What happened!?

At the time this is how I felt and what I wrote:

No one wants to hear me win and have the best life. No one wants to hear about our passionate make out sessions or him being the absolute sexiest [handy]man in the world… no one wants to hear how he gazed into my eyes and told me all the things he loved about me. No one wants to hear how I’m in a very happy place in my life having a normal time doing normal relationship things with a normal guy (read: better than average ie great).

But if you do care to hear about some of my success in the dating world you can continue to read on.

Everything between me and Mr. handyman has been a dream. I've never been with someone quite as attentive and caring towards me. He doesn't need to tell me how much he loves me, although he has (more on this later) because I can feel it through his touch and actions. When we go out he lets me be the life of the party. He may be more reserved but he's the ying to my yang. He listens to my every word and legitimately cares to hear what I have to say. The mutual respect is strong and I never have to question our level of trust.

What I like most is the amount of quality time we spend together. We can see each other for five days in a row and there is never a dull moment. Whether we are going to a concert/event together, watching a movie, going for cocktails or buying a TV from Best Buy everything is so effortless. In fact, I kind of like the mundane moments the best. I LIKE going grocery shopping/cooking and driving around in his truck. I LIKE the way he wants to hold my hand while driving. Or the way our knees are touching when we eat dinner or the massages he’ll give me while watching a movie. He is so absolutely adorable and makes me feel so genuinely loved. Plus he looks like an Italian male model so I'm also fine with that.

Sometimes I think— that's it, i've won the game (the game being dating). It's pretty soon- but in this month so many things of happened. We have practically spent almost every day together and this is not something I see ending anytime soon.

Plot twist: Earlier today, we broke up.

To be honest, the wound is fresh but I feel like writing this post will help me come to terms with it.

The bottom line is that my intellectual needs were not being met. I live for stimulating conversation about big-picture ideas and just enjoy general discussion. Something I mentioned to him on more than one occasion.

That said, you can’t change someone. Nor did I want to.

After landing my dream job at the end of a five-week-contract (officially beginning Jan 3rd) my life has changed. I have serious goals and am surrounded by highly motivated individuals.

My goals do not revolve around living on my moms couch, smoking cigarettes/weed on a frequent basis or ‘thinking goals are stupid’.

I strive to be the best I can be in all aspects of my life. I want to surround myself with inspiring people who can add value to my existence and achieve my personal vision of success before I’m 30. I recognize where I am now and where I need to be... and I will get there.

During our relationship I noticed that whenever something important happened to me, the first people I wanted to tell were my friends... not my boyfriend red flag #1. The reason being that he would probably just respond with “cool” or his classic “I don’t know” said with the intonation of a grumpy 12-year-old boy.

I wanted more out of my relationship yet at the same token couldn’t expect him to change. To be fair, he had been consistent from the day I met him in regards to intellectual curiosity. What made me think he would suddenly develop a mental tenacity to learn now?

The straw that broke the camels back was this past New Year’s. He invited me to his house for a house ‘party’.

Earlier that day, I came to the realization of just how empty I felt. Despite being a in a relationship I was mentally lonely. Over the day my feelings transpired into resentment. It didn’t help that I met someone in a coffeeshop with my mom (lol) that sparked my intellectual curiosity. He engaged me in a conversation that checked off all of my ‘ideal conversation’ boxes. We talked at a high-level about the acceleration of technology, societal advancements, human-nature, the future of design and travel. For the first time in months I felt like I was having a conversation with another male that was adding value to my life. Though there was no sexual attraction I still gave him my number to continue our conversation. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow. But I digress, the point is- the lack of engaging conversation in my relationship made me feel resentment.

My feelings were brewing and by the time I arrived to the ‘party’ (which encompassed Mr. Handyman's MOM, fabulous brother, stunning sister and a sprinkling of friends) I was beside myself.

For starters, I walked into a silent room of everyone about to do some orange-flavoured jello-shots. The vibe was just off. I sat at the kitchen table camouflaged with almost every carbacious finger food under the sun. Handyman’s mother was a cooking machine constantly replenishing the spring rolls, mini spinach quiches and cheesy ‘za.

I noticed that every 10-15 minutes everyone would go outside to smoke weed and cigarettes. Because I wasn’t interested in either I stayed inside making small talk with the mom. The cycle of indoor snacking sessions followed by miserable smoking ones continued. I hung around for just short of 2 hours.

This ‘party’ was simply DISMAL. That’s the only way to put it. The look on everyone’s face was somber and I’ll never forget looking at one of the friends who stared at the ground mouthing the lyrics to an Anti Rihanna song while stirring the straw in her blue solo cup glumly.

This last week our relationship was strained (re: Christmas festivities) and due to my pent up hostility, sitting at that table I could feel myself on the verge of exploding. I was shaking out of anger. WHY WAS I THERE?! WHAT VALUE WERE THESE DEADBEATS BRINGING ME?!

I could go on forever about all of the nuances that made my blood boil but ultimately at 10:45pm I had to leave. I seriously HAD to. It wasn’t an option to stay. I rather make a clean break than burst into tears ruining my perfectly-applied glitter and double-stacked lash NYE makeup. I didn’t consider the feelings of my ‘boyfriend’, his mother or quite frankly any of the other individuals at the party.

I called an Uber and luckily when no-one was on the porch I made my getaway.

After I departed, nine missed phone calls were interspersed with the following messages. I made sure to turn off location sharing immediately:

Maybe I should have answered, or even responded with a cool ‘I had to leave. Let’s talk tomorrow’ text. But I did not. I went to my friends house where I proceeded to do a scandalous outfit change from my nun-style dress to some plunging-neckline Kim K body con realness.

I felt great.

The rest of my night was great.

I woke up to the following two texts:

*You’re

In contrast with:

...Skeptical of the “1/2″ numbering scheme (do people still have text messaging limits in 2017?!) I appreciated the message from the guy I had met at the cafe.

Back to the topic at hand: Later today Handyman came over to drop of the keys he had to my apartment (long story short he had my moms spare) along with the bar tools I accidentally left at his house in my hasty exit.

Finally convincing him to sit down we talked it out.

I didn’t mean to be wishy-washy but it was hard in the moment. I explained how I wasn’t happy... yet I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to break up yet I also longed to hug him.

He was PISSED. He explained how everyone at the party viewed me as a ‘controlling bitch’ because I made the sentiment “you can smoke all you want... I just won’t date you” alongside other uncalled for remarks.

Do I regret my actions? Absolutely not. The relationship ran it’s course and he was not adding value to my life.

Was I wildly attracted to him? Absolutely. But his intellect was lacking for me. I’m not saying he wasn’t smart but in the context of engaging discussions... simply put, there were none. I didn’t even care WHAT he talked about, I just wanted to feel close to him in some verbal capacity! I tried to watch movies and spark a preceding conversation. Nope. Send articles to discuss, nope. Talk about current events.. again, just nothing.

Breakups are never easy. There is no ‘good way’ to do it. It was hard seeing him burst into uncontrollable tears sobbing wildly into my neck. Tugged at the heart strings if you will. Cue the waterworks on my end. In fact cut to both of us sobbing- kleenex’s being pulled out of the box by the dozen. Thanks Costco! It was disorderly!

After a long poignant embrace by the door, I kissed his cheek softly and said goodbye.

I feel bad for the guy. He has a heart of gold but we just weren’t a great match. I think our best lives consisted of different things. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t want to change him. I think that’s fair! Moreover, I didn’t want to lead him on any longer after my realization.

I also recognized that the second I felt more negative emotions coming to the forefront than positive ones... I know a change needed to occur.

Though I suspect our grieving processes will be vastly different from one another I truly hope he is okay. Like I said, I do not hold any animosity towards him but the thought of him with another girl makes me feel sick.

But hey, I think that’s normal.

On the positive side thanks to Mr. Handyman for installing my TV, painting my wall, putting up a hook in my bathroom, making me a custom cutting board and most sentimentally, spending over 30+ hours carving me a beautiful heart shaped box for Christmas...

Fuck I miss him.

#handyman #datinginthedot #breakup #reaction gif #dating blog

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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Dating in black and white

After spending four consecutive days together, I think its safe to say this has been the longest date I’ve ever been on.

You know when you meet someone and it just feels, right?

The chemistry is undeniable and the level of trust and respect is just… there. I feel like I’ve known him for 4 years… let alone 4 days.

THIS is how dating should be.

Why date someone who’s not mutually excited to be with you? As Mark Manson says, if you’re in that grey to begin with, you’ve already lost.

As my friend life coach said to me, “If this was the 1950′s, he would have seen you walking down the street and said ‘that’s the woman I’m going to marry, she just doesn’t know it yet’ and proceed to buy you a flower. That’s the kind of guy he is”.

The same friend also commented how hard I’ve worked on myself over the last year in terms of growth and person development that it’s only natural that I’ve started to attract these types of people in my life.

So far this guy (pseudonym TBD) has made me feel SO loved and desired. He’s SUCH an emotional provider and mentally I feel so rich! We’ve spoken every night on the phone and I can only foresee a positive outcome between us. I love his optimistic mindset and feel we have such complimentary personality traits.

Although I said I would never date another introvert, specifically another INFP, this time around is totally different.

It’s NICE to have someone who wants to listen to me and ask me all the questions in the world. I love to talk (about myself) and he loves to listen.

Recently he confirmed that he just sort of knew from the moment he saw me that he really really liked me… which is so incredibly flattering to hear because truth told, I felt/feel the SAME WAY.

The best part of it all is that I feel in control of my emotions. I don’t feel irrational or crazy. I am not anxiously attached. I am not low-key freaking out to my friends whether I should text him back… because I don’t need to. I don’t have to. I am just taking this one. Day. At a time and it feels mutual. It’s not some whirlwind romance where i’m living in a fantasy world. I am living my life, being the best version of me and carrying out my career and great friendships and this situation is just the cherry on top.

Hold up- this is the part where I get all sappy on u for a min~

This has always been something that I’ve dreamed about. Being with someone who’s drop-dead gorgeous, thinks I’m the ‘total package’, treats me with utmost respect, makes me feel incredibly sexy and looks at me like the only girl he’s ever cared about or wanted to be with in his life.

I always heard people say that when they met their partner they just knew. I never understood or even believed people when they said that, but I’m now realizing that it’s v real.

Wait though. Let’s take a step back… as you’ve read about firsthand, this hasn’t been easy for me (and it still by no means is). It’s taken a whole lot of BAD DATES to get here. And thats okay because sometimes you don’t really know how good something is until you’ve experienced falling flat on your face. Over and over and over again.

So far everything has been perfect.

WAIT. Before you think I’m entirely crazy I want to point out that I’m being 1000% realistic about it… I mean, I don’t know if I’m going to marry the guy, but out of all the idiots I’ve gone out with, I am not about to let a good thing pass me by when I find it. I know first hand that the grass is not greener on the other side… and the future people you swipe right to on Tinder are not better than the last.

Anyways, that’a all I want to say for now.

This has been a (black and white) update.

...And then this happened

#dating #vintage #black and white #romance #love #baby animals #cute #marilyn monroe #dating in the dot #datinginthedot #handyman

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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The guy who owned a truck the size of my condo.

Remember that introvert I tried to date?

Well he casually stopped by my house the other day and after an hour of forced small-talk says, “I don’t see this turning into a romantic relationship”.

Getting rejected sucks but after reading Mark Manson’s Fuck Yes article I think this scenario was a BFO- blinding flash of the obvious. That flash my friends, was a oh-so-casual FUCK NO.

If you haven’t read it Manson’s article it basically talks about how “if you’re in [a] grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.” When it comes to dating it should be obvious if it’s working... and if it’s not, leave. At the end of the day you shouldn’t be forcing the person to spend time you.

And this my friends, is the perfect segway to my next Tinder Tale.

That’s right, there’s more!

I recently swipped right to the most gorgeous human on the planet. I saw him and my heart literally skipped a Tinder beat.

Typically, although this completely defies the point of Tinder, I swipe right based on looks (sure) in conjunction with other things (types of photos, description, vibe, ect).

When it came to this guy, I was so attracted I wasn’t thinking about anything else.

I remember creeping his IG months ago and actually being sad when it wasn’t a match.

This time around however, CONGRATULATIONS to me was right.

I started off the convo by complimenting him on his cuteness and asking what type of furniture he liked to make...

Before I knew it, I was on the phone with the dude and it had already been an hour.

Cut to yesterday night. I spontaneously called him and asked if he wanted to go out. Without hesitation he said yes!

He picked me up in his brand-spanking-new truck the size of my condo. I opened the door did what felt like a knee-lift to get in. “Hey” I said nonchalantly clicking-on my slippery seatbelt.

I glanced over and smirked “why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” he said trying to play it cool.

He didn’t need to say anything else it was clear. His puppy dog eyes said it all.

We drove to Parkdale, the location of the bar my best friend was working at... because why call your friend after the date when she could just be on it with you. Ammiright?

But I digress.

The phone call we had prior gave us a great foundation for the date which was comfortable, laid-back and most definitely mutual. A source confirms ‘your body language looked really great’.

The attraction I felt was unreal. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that degree of sole physical attraction... and experienced it back!

On my end of things he was shorter than anticipated but nonetheless still heavenly. Italian and Portuguese features left him with tanned skin, rich chocolate brown hair shaved at the sides and longer at the top and naturally groomed eyebrows. He had luminous white, straight teeth and full lips. A manicured beard and just the right level of ruggedness. He donned tastefully-selected man jewelry; a roll n’ roll thin leather wrap bracelet with a gunmetal skull and a chain-linked copper number he made himself. When I observed his all-black ensemble he mentioned he did it ‘to impress me’.

On his end of things his googley eyes were a telltale sign he was enamored with my looks and just about everything I had to say. I almost spat out my drink when he inquired about the supposed ‘lineup of guys waiting to date me’.

After a loss in his family, he recently made some major lifestyle changes (read: becoming vegan, changing career paths and taking up fitness again). It was very apparent he was at a great place in his life backed by a great mindset.

Part of me felt vulnerable opening up about personal subjects such as working on myself before bringing others into my life but I was one-hundo P honest. I told him I was in a shitty relationship a few years back and I learned a lot about myself and what I’m looking for. He didn’t reciprocate with his relationship history and quite frankly I didn’t care to know! He did however mention he dated a girl for the last three months from Tinder and felt it was entirely contrived. He admit to feeling more for me on our first date than he ever did for this other girl.

He kindly offered to pay the tab and took me back home where some cute things were said and even cuter kisses were exchanged.

Cut to me not being able to focus at ALL today. I haven’t felt this way about someone is a L O N G time and I don’t know how to cope with it!

The designer in me thinks if I had to make an infographic it would just be pink molecules flying everywhere.

Me af. Snap out of it Emily!

If I could- I would see him again tonight. But I think that’s pushing it.

Read about what happened next...

#tinder #relationships #cat #dating #dating in the dot #datinginthedot #love #reaction gif #the guy who #truck #condo #first date #handyman #theguywho

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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Date me for a chance to win a story on my dating blog!!!!!!!!

#lololol

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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The guy who was an introvert

After getting ghosted by the pot-smoking fashion photographer I was back to the drawing board mindlessly swiping my Sunday night away.

Congratulations, it’s a match!

And just like that, I had a date scheduled the next day after work.

Now, If you’ve been reading my posts for some time, you know I am the biggest advocate for a casual PHONE SCREENING. Why? Because simply put, I don’t have time to do my hair and makeup to meet up with every loser on these online dating sites. We all know foundation ain’t cheap!

This time, out of partial anger for being ghosted, I glazed over that detail. I mean, I didn’t neglect it, I tried to insinuate said call however Mr. Shy-Guy wasn’t having it. “I will talk on the phone but only if I know the person” he sent via Tinder message.

Somehow I convinced myself that maybe not everyones a phone person.

We met up for coffee while it was still light out #rare. Typically I never opt for a daytime date but this time I thought I’d try something new. Besides, I had next to nothing invested in the situation and kind of just wanted to go on a date.

Late as usual I arrive at Dineen Coffee. I spot a guy I thought was him so I pulled up his Tinder photo just to be sure. Ladies and gents- we have a match!

Perched on a patio stool his neck was folded into a thick paperback book. Aviator-style reading glasses masked his face and a 2007 emo bang emerged from a black well-loved beanie. He had blue eyes and a prominent septum piercing.

Uhh, there was no good way to approach him...

I mean, I was going to startle the dude regardless so I just went for it, "HEY! It’s me” I pronounced boldly.

That awkward moment ensued.

If you’ve blindly met up with a Tinder date before, then you know one I’m talking about... The one where you hear each others voices for the first time... and then realize they might be gay.

To be fair, people have most definitely asked me if I’m gay so it’s water under the bridge. Still a lot to process in the first 3 seconds of meeting someone.

I scurried inside to buy myself a juice. While observing the decadent Parisian surroundings I noticed him deterring a pesky yonge-st-tourist from snagging my seat.

I rejoined him where we talked... and talked.. and talked some more. Before I knew it, the manager was indirectly kicking us out by stacking every chair in the vicinity around us.

He walked me home and conversation ensued. About religion. Marilyn Manson. The Church of Satan. Tattoos. Myer-Briggs personality types and homelessness (the range!). We hugged and said goodnight. It was made clear there would be a second date.

THAT SAID... not a single bone in my body was attracted to him. It had nothing to do with looks- he was actually quite cute! What detracted me was his personality. Typically speaking, I am attracted to guys who are bold, dominant and it goes without saying... extroverted.

This guy was quite soft-spoken, painfully timid and a self-proclaimed introvert.

So much so that he was making ME feel nervous!

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer out there right about now because its 2016 and this is the internet. There is nothing wrong with people who harbour those personality traits, it’s just that I Emily am personally am not attracted to those qualities in the context of dating.

Side note; Despite my badass persona, I’m actually quite a softie. I want to date a guy who’s dominant and charismatic and masculine (read gorilla-guido-juicehead... just kidding). I want a guy who makes me feel giddy like a little girl and evokes my feminine qualities that exist under the tattoos and tough-leather exterior.

But I digress, let’s jump back to the date shall we?

The following day, just nothing. Not a word. I questioned whether he was into me or just a shy dude. Then I thought, If he didn’t like me why would he say he wanted to see me again? ...That said, people lie all the time.

So I manned-up, bite-the-bullet and text him.

His response?

Instantaneous. It’s like he was waiting but just didn’t. Know. What to say.

CUT TO THE NEXT DATE

I decided to go for ice cream. After accidentally making him wait 25 minutes for me (whoops) I changed my mind and we ended up at Pizza Libretto instead. Following that, a movie. I may not have been thaaat into this guy but isn’t that what ‘casual dating is’? You go out with someone in the odd chance that you actually like each other?

I uber-pooled home with a directionally-challenged Nigerian and a dancer from the local strip club, Karma Paradise.

I text shy-guy that I had an enjoyable night. I felt like the man in the relationship sending the first follow up text... I secretly wish I was being pursued... but then I had to remind myself this wasn’t really anything... It was just casual dating... right?

WAIT if it’s supposed to be casual then WHY WAS I RIDDEN WITH ANXIETY!?

Days after I consciously felt my anxious attachment rushing to the forefront. He hates the phone and only texts me when I text him first. DOES HE EVEN LIKE ME???? I banked on the fact that ‘by choosing to spend time with you, introverts are choosing you’ ... or at least that's what Elite Daily told me.

Hate to break it to you, but I truly feel like I could have saved myself from that one with a phone call because I don’t think it was a match.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t see him again.

To be continued...

#shyguy #introvert #tinder #theguywho #datinginthedot

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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This week in OkCupid

The guy witch loved a good compliment

The guy who just wanted to plan a unique uptown date.

The guy who beleived in the art of persistence

#thereasoniusetinder

#okcupid #tinder #online dating #toronto #dating

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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This week in Tinder

Let’s just jump right into it, shall we?

Matched with a guy who smokes a lot of weed... is an engineer by day and fashion photographer by night (quite talented may I add). Our mutual friend is my tattoo artist and he has two incredibly done tattoo sleeves. We planned to meet this past Sunday at 5:30 and he ghosted me.

That’s right. GHOSTED me. We hadn’t even MET and he ghosted me.

Who invests five or six hours talking to someone on the phone then just doesn’t show up.

Wait, what’s that? You got too scared to meet IRL?

Why are you on Tinder!!!!

EMILY 1 TINDER 0

Matched with a different guy who happened to go to the same boxing gym as me. He also happened to work at high school conveniently located across the street. That high school coincidently being the same school that Eyebrowz worked at (the guy I went on my first ever tinder date with) ...but I digress.

While this guy was unbelievably hot, he was also “hilariously, unbelievably damaged”- his Tinder description, not mine.

This became visibly apparent as we talked about live music.

If that's not codewords for I'm still deeply, madly, utterly in love with my ex-girlfriend from nine months ago I don't know what is.

Cut to this moment right after I asked him if he wanted to see a TIFF film with me:

Talking about your exes early on is like getting a tribal tattoo... you just don’t.

After we established we weren’t going to be meeting each other IRL I thought I’d inquire:

Looks like I dodged that bullet.

Moving along... YES, there’s more!

I matched with yet another suitor and actually went on a date with him!

Read about it here!

#dating in the dot #t dot #toronto #dating #online dating #tinder #real life #gif #ghosting #2016 #ghosted #ghost #fml #fail

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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So, it's been a minute.

You might be wondering, Emily, where did you go in the last year?

I didn't want to tell anyone but I got pregnant... and decided to keep the baby.

No, I'm totally kidding.

I'm very single and very OK with it. I'm also very not pregnant for those who were wondering.

Life has better things in store for me right now and I've been channeling all of my energy into achieving my dream career while simultaneously paying for my plethora of tattoo appointments.

#typical you know?

No, but really. I've been spending all of my free time cycling or drinking with friends (normal) and summer has been really swell. The amount of fulfillment I have gained from female friendships has been huge. Also coming to terms with the fact that I had daddy issues was so key. I can say with confidence I finally feel like I'm in a great place. I don't even think about being at a great place anymore because I am truthfully am just there, you know?

That said, a girl can still peep through tinder on occasion, ammiright?

But same old, same old. No responses. And every single time I ask for a phone call people go dark.

You think I'M acting 'like a fifth grader' for wanting to talk to you on the phone!? Don't you think being PEN PALS is a worse grade-school offence?!

It's 2016, get over yourself.

#publizity #the kroll #gif #dating in the dot #datinginthedot #online dating #tinder #toronto #dating #dating blog #my life #kroll #reaction gif #update

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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Another one bites the dust

“I loook guuhhdddd” I said aloud inspecting my face in the mirror.

My date wasn’t for another TWO HOURS but I was so anxious I didn’t know what else to do. I poured myself a glass of pomegranate juice and contemplated adding vodka to take the edge off things.

I paced around my empty apartment. My makeup was ON POINT. Coupled with my leather pants and androgynous asymmetrical zip jacket... hello Kat Von D realness. Needless to say, I was feelin’ myself.

For my second date with The Guy who was ~refreshing~, we met up to watch some live rock bands at the Horseshoe Tavern. Arriving at nine on the dot I scanned the empty bar for a bald head. Couldn’t see him...so I walked to the back stage area. I peered around the corner and sure enough he was there. Decked out in a predictable-fashion quite literally he was sporting the exact same outfit as I saw him last; an over-sized leather jacket, knit crew neck, slim black jeans and leather boots. Whatever, at least he smelled nice.

We said hello and migrated to the bar. Consciously making an effort to be ‘simple’ I didn’t fuss about drink choice.

“Hey,” I said politely to the bartender “I’ll have any sort of whisky in a glass”. Easy. Straight-forward. Direct.

“Wow. I’m surprised it didn’t take you ten minutes to order this time” Baldy said sarcastically.

I didn’t know if he was kidding or not. The underlying tone in his voice was flat-out mean. He covered the first round and we made our way back to the corner table.

The room was dim and people were peppered throughout.

I WAS SO THRILLED to be there I felt like I was going to burst with excitement. I couldn’t stop staring at his face and could feel the enthusiasm oozing out of my pores. My energy was radiating. I was ecstatic. I continued to glance at my date as the bands played. We yelled every now and then over the music to converse.

This was going well. This guy was great. He was alternative and tall and intelligent and into culture and movies and fashion...

But then the mood changed.

In between bands he started talking about how the single most important factor of being an artist is contribution.

I asked what he thought about the Kardashians.

I was curious to hear his take because whether you like them or not, with 60+ million followers they definitely are influencers and contribute in some capacity to say the least.

Baldy took a moment. I wasn’t sure if he was listening to the music or thinking. He stared straight ahead and began his tirade. Expressing his hatred I could sense his blood starting to boil. This light hearted conversation turned heavier than the screaming punk band onstage and he legitimately seemed fervid.

“Do you smile ever?” I remarked in a cheekily playful way.

He didn’t take this well and brushed me off. A new band came on. I thought they were pretty good. We listened to their first song.

“I think they need to trim the fat. There’s too many of them” he said coldly. His gaze remained focused on the stage.

Another song or two passed.

Somehow the topic of my pet lovebird came up. Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because I have a giant tattoo of her on my arm.

He made a few mocking remarks “You can’t acccctually love that thing. It’s just a little pigeon. How could anyone love a pigeon?”.

I took a step back. Was HE forreal? He just insulted my 14 YEAR OLD PARROT who I CLEARLY love to death.

It didn’t stop. He kept going “Oh calm down, it’s just a stupid bird”. I remained silent. A few more jabs ensued. “Recount this story to any your friends and then add ‘I was offended’ at the end and see what they say”.

For the first time all night he looked over to see my response.

I know, I know. I should have got up right then and there and left. Alas, I did not.

Want to know what I did? I OFFERED TO BUY THE NEXT ROUND.

While the music acted as a buffer I tried to make the most of it and turn the conversation around. However, each time I shared something I was put down or down-right insulted.

My mistake? I tolerated it.

For the last act, an acoustic singer who won over baldy’s approval (shocking) was finishing up, Baldy turned to me and asked how my Easter was. I began to gush about my grandparents.

“My grandparents are the absolute besssttt. My Nonna is hilarious... and my Nonno! Don’t even get me started...”

“What about your grandparents on your dads side?” he said swirling his beer “Are you close to them?”

“No, unfortunately they’ve both passed away”

He kept prodding “Were you close though? What about your dad? Are you close to him?”

“Not really” I answered honestly.

“Why not?” He took a sip of his beer “Why are you not close?”

“I don’t know... I mean, it’s not like anything happened” I suddenly felt vulnerable. Here I was answering a rapid-fire line of questions open and honestly only to be blatantly judged. I mean, I don’t know what he was gaining from this because I was gaining absolutely nothing in return.

“Well something must have happened if you don’t want to talk about it”

“No, not really”

I froze. For the first time in my life I was shell-shocked on a date. I had absolutely NOTHING to say to this dude. What was the point! There he was insulting me and prying about things I CLEARLY didn’t want to talk about.

Did I leave? No. Instead, I emotionally shut down. I glared at the beaten up table and felt my body sinking into the 90º wooden bench. I looked back at him silently. Half a minute must have passed.

“Why do you have to make this such a big deal?” he snapped distantly.

I was so taken aback I didn’t quite know how to handle the situation. I remained silent hoping he would say something to change the subject.

In that moment there was nothing that could have prepared me for what he was about to say next. I glanced at the table and back up at him slowly. He looked at me judgmentally, “Are you on meds?” he legitimately inquired.

ARE. YOU. ON MEDS.

...AM I on MEDS?!

I’m sorry, is that what you think is appropriate to ask a girl on a second date??? Had I not been in such shock I should have pulled out the tampon from my purse and asked if he needed it.

YIKES.

Leisurely, the decrepit bartender made his way over and informed us, “Slow night. Closing in five.” I stood up and zipped my jacket.

You want to know the messed up part??

...Because I hyped up the entire date in my head I STILL WANTED IT TO WORK. Yeah, you read that right. I wanted it to work.

Cut to Baldy and I standing in the frigid cold at Queen and Spadina. The whiskey’s I downed earlier were not aiding to my level of rationale.

“Look,” he finally said “you’re making this weird and clearly you have issues. You’re way too sensitive. There is no reason to be offended about anything I said. I was merely asking follow up questions. Besides, YOU’RE the one who kept bringing things up”

What up?

Again, I felt no need to retaliate.

But forreal, what was he talking about? I brought up how much I loved my grandparents- not my poor relationship with my father. I was not in the wrong. In fact he was the one prying. Maybe HE was the problem.

Note: There is a fine line between ‘letting the girl do the talking’ and INTERROGATING her.

Here are a few other condescending examples that I didn’t get a chance to mention in this post so I am going to share them now.

Exhibit A:

Him: What do you normally do on a Monday night?

Me: Twerk class

Him: (rudely) You must be really comfortable with your body

Exhibit B:

Him: Where did you go to high school?

Me: BSS

Him: (condescendingly) Let me guess, your parents must live in Yorkville? Do they pay for all of your expenses?

Example 3:

Him: What are your goals

Me: To eventually become a creative director in an agency

Him: (Mockingly) Wow, someone’s a little ambitious.You know, sometimes you just have to wait and things will happen. You can’t just go and get them.

Cut back to the Queen and Spadina intersection.

This is when the date peaked. So I’m standing there silently, looking fierce af and slightly inebriated and he looks down at me from his 6′2 stature and says rhetorically, “You’re making this very awkward. Have you ever been on a date before?”

Have I been on a date before?!

Dating in the Dot readers... you tell me.

I almost exploded with rage but I bit my tongue. He wasn’t even worth my breath. This guy was a vulgar and disrespectful ASSHOLE.

“Do you need help getting home” he teased of my apartment that was a mere two blocks away. I looked back silently, “Are you sure?” he jeered.

And with that the date was over.

Needless to say I did not hear form him again.

The conclusion? I hyped this dude up SO much in my head that I justified his poor behaviour. I wasn’t able to take a step back and see him for what he was, a hostile and angry individual. Because let’s face it, what you say is a reflection of yourself. If you are positive and truly at peace, there is no need to be sippin’ on yo haterade... Or make a girl feel awful about her body positive, ambitious, and motivated self.

The silver lining is I saw his true colours on date 2 instead of 52.

Another one bites the dust.

#dating in the dot #datinginthedot #toronto #dating #6ix #gifs #ru pauls drag race #real housewives #dating blog #relationships #ship #baldy #writing #personal #long post

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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~Test~

Sometimes you just gotta throw em for a loop.

#okcupid #test #text #gif #kroll show

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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The guy who was ~refreshing~

Alternate title: From AllSaints to Satan

"Is it okay if you e-mail me? I don’t have a Toronto number yet” read my most recent OKCupid message (which yes, I still check sporadically).

E-mail? I thought, this is 2016 who doesn’t have iMessage?? But opened up the Mail app on my computer anyways.

“Hey, it’s ~me~” I typed swiftly.

Click.

After a week of back and fourth e-mailing, we finally agreed to meet. To be completely frank, I didn’t really know what to expect. Normally, I opt for a nice call but this time that was out of the question.

The mystery man only had two photos on his profile. The first, in which half of his head was cut off (we all know what that means ladies) and the other- an ambiguous high-contrast black and white photo... of him smoking.

Though the chance of him balding/being a smoker was high, his profile listed him as 6′2 with a plethora of artistic hobbies so I let it pass through my #filter.

Cut to yesterday.

As I arrived to dive bar Dundas Video, he was patiently waiting outside. I was pleasantly surprised when he wasn’t smoking (he later explained he quit for good 3 years ago). Not a follicle of hair grazed his head (as predicted) and he matched his uncomplicated e-mail description; “Tall. Leather jacket.”

He graciously paid my entrance to the Zine launch and offered to grab a cocktail of my choice. We found a cozy spot near the stage where he asked if we could sit next to each other so we weren’t yelling across the table.

In just a few moments time the performances would begin.

A small Persian girl walked on stage. The room fell silent leaving nothing but the murmur of vintage arcade games. She passionately emote her piece descending into a fetal position on the floor. After a solid minute of inactivity the host went on stage stepping over her limp body “Um, thank you Sonica*!”. The crowd clapped skeptically.

The next act was an experimental trio. While the front man spoke convincingly about his masturbation schedule and how he couldn’t finish his last beer, I was truly captivated by the accompanying individuals. Staggered on the floor sat a normcore chick playing an assortment of off-key violin chords and a dude rubbing the end of an aux cord over the surface of his face to produce a random pattern of static noise. The act was peppered with moments of shrill feedback from the mic as the front man paced sporadically around the 1 meter vicinity of the stage.

After two more, erm, experimental performances, I suggested going elsewhere.

A for effort.

Across the street, the bar was empty but I didn’t mind. Although, I will say it concerned me when the bartender questioned my choice of beverage squinting at the cocktail list behind me.

“A... Boulevardier?” he asked.

“Yeah, right there” I pointed to the chalkboard.

“What’s in that one again?”

Oh boy. But I digress.

My date and I found a not-so-cozy spot in a pew-like church bench where we spent the next few hours conversing.

All I can say is this- it was 1000% REFRESHING. What a joy to finally meet someone who legitimately shares the same hobbies and interests as me. I don’t want to jump the gun here, but in that moment long gone were the days of having to educate someone about my niche-passions. Long gone were the days of having to reluctantly listen to hip-hop. And long gone were the days of struggling to figure out a suitable activity for the both of us come future outings. The entire 6 hour duration of our night was easy, it was effortless.

My leather-donning date proceeded to share stories of attending Parsons in New York for fashion (and he’s straight WHAT) followed by a masters at Central St. Martins in London. He then shared a bit about his current work as a documentary filmmaker profiling the darker things in life.

I don’t know what it is about filmmakers, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for them ever since Babyface. It must be something about the idea of story telling... or having the ability to communicate... or maybe it’s just the sheer act of being vulnerable. It requires depth and knowledge and artistry.

Throughout the night I can’t say the vibes were necessarily romantic but that’s okay. Sometimes, if you are looking for a solid relationship, you need to establish a strong friendship foundation first.

At the end of the night he took care of most of the bar tab and insisted on walking me home. I thought that was really considerate of him as apparently these basic acts of chivalry as not as commonplace as one would think.

Once arriving at my apartment I let him know I had a really enjoyable evening. It’s not everyday I meet someone who I can converse in-depth on topics ranging from AllSaints to the Church of Satan (forreal tho). When we parted, he didn’t respond with any positive remarks other than “I’ll see you soon?” to which I smiled and nodded my head. I left feeling peaceful.

I do not feel anxious about whether he is going to text e-mail me back or not, or even feel remote panic about whether or not he liked me.

Overall, it was quality time spent with a creative equal who accepted me for me. It was not “Oh, you have a tattoo? Yeah, I wanted to get my family’s Irish crest...” or “Check out my blotchy tattoo cloud”. It was ironically ME prying to see his black and grey Mike Storey portrait and him admiring my partially done colour piece.

Man... as I write this, I really do hope I see my long-lost-creative-companion again...

#dating #toronto #datinginthedot #dating in the dot #marilyn manson #Yolandi Visser #gif #filmmaker #first date

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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OK... This is kind of funny Pt. 2

To start off this blog post I would like to make one statement: RIP Tinder and RIP OKCupid.

To the best of my knowledge online dating is dead.

No one wants to send that first message... possibly be humiliated on a dating blog (no comment)... look like they’re putting in more effort, ect.

To be frank, I’m over it too.

With that being said, here is one last hurrah to the disgusting little boys who have sent me messages in hopes of gettin’ some action.

Plot twist: no one is gettin’ action

Let’s begin!

The guy who made himself out to be a psychopath

The guy who just liked pictures

The guy who like to... wait, what?

The guy who thought he was gettin’ lucky

The guy who was just looking for a soulmate

The guy who thought he may have a potential trade (for all you BUNZ members out there)

#dating #datinginthedot #dating in the dot #toronto #okcupid #online dating #RIP #RIP Tinder #tinder is dead #scene is dead #over it #tinder #bunz

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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OK... This is kind of funny Pt. 1

Every now and then I like to share some of my favourite messages received on Tinder and my personal favourite- OKCupid.

To see past instalments of this post check out Finding love on OKCupid… More like, OKStupid… or OKCompanion, ...OKOver it

Without further adieu, let’s begin!

The guy who like to soccer billard cinema

The guy who went all sommelier on me

The guy who just loved a bad ass woman

The guy who just wanted my honest opinion (NSFW)

The guy who “didn’t smoke”

The guy who didn’t realize I attend boxing classes

And lastly,

The guy who made my time on OKC a little more interesting

#okcupid #online dating #dating in the dot #relationships #funny online convos #tinder

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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Party, Piss and Puke

So you know the expression ‘don’t shit where you eat’?

Well folks, there’s a solid reason (see what I did there) and I’m not talking about E. coli.

As I recently moved closer to the PPP-core (thats Party, Piss and Puke to you) aka King-West, this notion has become evidently more apparent.

Left my place yesterday and in the span of 3 blocks the following occurred.

“That was totally that designer from OKCupid. The one from Guelph who’s mom owns a bakery”

“That’s so-and-so who works at Maple Media” (Nothing like a little Facebook-Linkedin cross-referencing.)

“Wait... Is that, ...Cheapskate?!”

“OMG. That’s for suuuure the girl who’s boyfriend asked to have a threesome on Tinder. Or at least I think it’s her from the photo he sent me... wait, does that mean she recognizes me too????”

Toronto is a small place.

Next time imma leave my house like

... Or at least change my Tinder Radius.

#dating #toronto #pingu #gif #abort #dating in the dot #datinginthedot

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datinginthedot · 8 years

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Mad, Bad Love

You meet a guy. You rationalize why he’s great for you and secretly fantasize about your future relationship together. He’s a movie buff and you want to start watching more movies. He’s in architecture and you’re in design. You can’t help but think how this is going to be something great. You think about him all the time and grow more and more attached by the day. You recognize your mini obsession but you can’t stop. You won’t stop. You crave the connection, the affection and want him to provide you with it all. You want it all! Over time you grow closer and closer while he simultaneously pulls away. Suddenly he no longer returns your texts or phone calls and you start to panic. He’s slipping through your grasp by the minute and you don’t know how to handle it. You panic. His lack of attention leaves you feeling neglected, unwanted and abandoned. Extreme anxiety kicks in. You call more and more frequently which only drives him further away. Suddenly he wants nothing to do with you and cuts off all contact at a moments notice. You are crushed. Just another failed relationship you think... Another sad blog post journal entry to write. You feel hopeless. Pathetic. Alone. You wallow in your apartment only to re-create the situation verbatim with the next OkCupid victim.

In the past few weeks, I have experienced a revelation. A complete 180 so to speak. And it was all brought about by an individual who has transitioned into one of my closest friends and mentors, Heath.

If it wasn’t for him questioning my actions, perhaps I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I would have repeated my cycle of toxic relationships as described above, not understanding what was going wrong.

See, initially I thought I was fine. I wasn’t physically abused. I wasn’t kidnapped. I wasn’t in any major detrimental childhood trauma. But oh yes I was. My embarrassingly coined ‘daddy issues’ I addressed when facing my double abandonment breakup with Traveller affected me more than I thought.

The lack of love I experienced with my father somehow left me feeling abandoned which manifested into an anxious style of attachment presenting itself in all of my relationships.

To break it down there are three major styles of attachment; secure, anxious and avoidant.

Psych Central explains an anxious style of attachment by saying,

You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner in. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes. This could be explained by brain differences that have been detected among people with anxious attachments

After reading more about this type of attachment, it clicked!

THIS WAS ME.

If I didn’t address my childhood issues (once again proving how important it is to have two stable parents in your upbringing) no matter who I met, I would sabotage it for myself!

Another interesting thing I read about, was how instead of going for securely attached individuals, people who are anxiously attached (i.e. ME) are almost always drawn to men/women who are AVOIDANT (i.e. Traveller). Together they mesh for a toxic match made in heaven. If you can recall the one episode we had at Cold Tea, it was a textbook scenario. TEXT. BOOK.

During this time I didn’t want a stable and secure guy, I subconsciously wanted someone who was avoidant... so I could push him to his limits of relationship intimacy and closeness, so he would threaten to leave me, in turn triggering my deep-rooted fear of abandonment.

That is MESSSSSSSSED UPPPP.

This has occurred over and over in my relationship history- even on a short-term scale. Remember the camo-clad Military Man? After one date, I was SO ATTACHED to the point where when he didn’t call me back I LOST IT.

I didn’t just say ‘Oh, whatever’ and move on. I HARBOURED it. I OBSESSED over it. I WOULDN’T. LET. IT. GO.

Hey, maybe it makes for a dramatic read, but seriously.

Once again, thanks to my friend turned life-coah Heath, he taught me the value of forming relationships S L O W L Y and the importance of building a solid base of attachment before proceeding into anything emotional OR physical. If you wait it out, people will naturally reveal their true colours over time.

The saying that you need to ‘love yourself first before you can love somebody else’ has proven more true than I could have ever imagined. While I thought I was confident and independent and secure it turns out I subconsciously had a laundry list of things I needed to work through internally regarding my fathers lack of love in my life.

Goes to show you how wildly important childhood is.

Side note: This is why I’ll never understand how people are against abortion. You’re killing a life?! Umm, I’m pretty sure being an insufficient parent is more damaging in the long run for your kids mental stability. But I digress.

In the past few weeks I have submerged myself in friendships with FEMALE friends. I can’t even begin to tell you- my mental happiness has gone through the roof. It is so incredibly fulfilling to form genuine connections with friends over shallow online interactions that offer the illusion of closeness yet disappear at a moments notice.

Now, my filter game is so strong it’s not even funny. No more rationalizing poor behaviour from loser guys who are barely employed and live with 4+ roommates at age 30. No more forcing connections. No more anxious attachment as I am working through my issues through reading and self-realization.

Remember, closure and healing comes from yourself, NOT others.

This has been an update.

#Toronto #datinginthedot #relationships #anxiety #anxious attachment #anxious #gif #growing up #heath #mad bad love #toxic relationships #dating in the dot

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