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kaorimiyazonotl · 1 year

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Back To You

Chapter one

When they asked if I ever got out of being sad after everything, it became hard for me to smile and admit the truth. So I half lied and half stated the truth. My girls were never going to find out that I’ve been talking to him behind their backs.

I wouldn’t accept it. Dominic was my friend and he was now my ex. I lay there on my bed staring at the ceiling and then my alarm goes off. Knock knock, I turn to the side and see Hikari and Kora in my door frame.

“Get up, sleepy head!” as Kora jumps on my bed.

“Just because it’s the weekend doesn’t mean you get to lay here all day”, Hikari pulling my sheets while I’m scowling at her. “I don’t care if it’s the weekend, I don't want to get up.” The thing is I rather dream and not be in reality. I work as the manager for San Francisco Library, it’s a quiet, settled job, but it comforts me…physically. And when it’s the weekend that’s when I get in my head and I wanna sleep more or write or read or even paint.

Kora sets herself next to me as I’m sitting up with my sheets and blankets on the floor. “Come on, today is Saturday and we gotta check out this new Italian restaurant that Weston just opened.” Weston is an old friend of ours, just as Catie, Catherin, Lilith, and Piper. All of us went to the same high school and went to different colleges but I got to live with Hikari and Kora because we all decided we were gonna go to college in San Francisco. We fell in love with the city, so not only are we roomies but best friends as well.

“Yes, so get up Amaya!” says Hikari

“Okay fine, but what time?”

They both look at me out of shock because usually I put up a fight because I need a good reason but I’m too tired to fight with them. But they smile and say “seven o’clock”. seven p.m. Tonight, will I see him? That's the thing I've worried about ever since I left Santa Clarita and decided to live with the girls. I didn’t even think about what would happen, I just did it because I planned it. While I was even in Santa Clarita, I never once ran into D. I stopped caring when it became August but you know I always did search for something.

“So now that I'm up I’m gonna take my morning walk, anyone wanna come?”

“Sorry, me and Ray are supposed to have brunch at ten?”. I look at the clock and it’s eight-thirty. “Really?”

“What? I need time to pick an outfit, besides I wanna do my makeup too.” Ray and Kora have been with each other for two months now, Ray’s nice, he’s sweet, trans and all, pretty chill guy. I’m not that close with him though unlike Hikari.

“And you Hikari?” She’s grinning at me and when she grins, I know she’s going to have brunch with Enzo, now they’ve only been seeing each other for less than a month. I saw that coming when she introduced him to everyone during our last hangout. That was a month ago too.

Sigh “Have fun you two, I’ll be here when you guys get back.” They both sit by side and give me a kiss on the forehead and a hug.

“Love you!”

“Love you too, now go both of you.”

I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling for a bit. If I’m smart enough I would get up right now before I start getting into my head and start crying. When my therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, I wasn’t surprised. I sorta figured given the fact that for three months I didn’t stop crying and listening to music twenty four seven. I guess the only difference now is I’m trying to get past the relationship and trying to accept and deal with it without feeling so sad and guilty. I know people have their own process of dealing with things. I know it’s gonna take time for me. I get off my bed, head to my bathroom, boom, boom, boom, wide awake now, hair up and still in my pj’s. I check my calendar to see if I have anything planned before dinner. Nope pretty much cleared.

I make myself some blueberry pancakes, with a side of eggs and sourdough toast and tea. When the girls saw me making breakfast one morning, they started calling me “Mom” again. Hard to believe I used to be called that when we were all in high school, five years ago to be exact. I check my phone and I get a text from Lilith.

Lilith: Amaya I found this essential oil store called Saje Natural Wellness on Wilmot street. Wanna check it out?

With Lilith, her and I can totally do a spa day together any day. Lilith is very calm, funny, sweet, and helpful. However her therapeutic way of coping is working out and doing what’s good for the body. I'm all for supporting her but for me it’s not my style so I don’t know what works for me. So I text her back thinking what's around there to check out after.

Me: Sure, then we could check out this french-american bakery called La Boulangerie, it’s five minutes away from the wellness place.

We meet up, talk a walk and window shop and talk about all the things like improving our skin and trying out new things to help our skin. Lilith is sorta spiritual and sorta not, but she believes that people should focus on themselves first before anything, even before joining the dating life.

She’s not wrong, I mean I always found myself to be mentally unstable and unable to function because I say I’m not fit to be in a relationship.

“Amaya, so what are you gonna wear to Weston opening?” says Lilith as she takes a sip of her sparkling water. We stopped at the bakery after window shopping and checking out the wellness place.

It's cute and pretty packed and their pastries are delicious. I’d think I’d stop by here by myself next time and take my book with me. Or maybe take inspiration and write something.

“Well I haven’t thought about it yet, if it's the Grand Opening then probably something that fits the vibe for a dinner night.” One thing about me and my wardrobe is it has to fit the vibe and from head to toe; hair, outfit, makeup, jewelry, shoes. I don’t dress to impress…maybe a little bit. I like to match and go with the vibe and not be out of place. I’ve been like that ever since I was little and it’s partially because of my dad. He always told my sisters and I to never go out unless we wore proper clothing. It didn’t matter if it was a BBQ or someone’s birthday, he always wanted us to dress accordingly. To this day he’s still the same.

“Okay true, but it’s an Italian restaurant not a dinner party. I was thinking not too fancy but something nice. Besides, it's gonna be a good night.”

“Yeah, you're right.” I give her my simple smile and drink my vanilla bean latte.

“Have you heard from D? Rumor has it he got a girlfriend.”

“I know, I heard too. I’m sure he’ll bring her to the opening.”

“He is.” I look at her in shock, I probably look pale or perhaps sad almost. It’s been years since he and I haven’t seen each other and I only just talked to him a little bit just last week. If there’s one word to describe Dominic it would be the abnormal and the complete opposite or just different.

The thing is I don’t know how to feel. I would think that by now I feel okay because it’s been a year already. But I guess I’m lying to myself, if I’m trying to deny the fact that I still miss him and everything.

“Lilith. It’s been years and things have changed, besides I’m still trying to focus on myself.”

“You know when you lie I can see it in your eyes right? We’ve been friends for a long ass time, you can’t fool me and you sure as hell can’t fool yourself.”

She’s right and it’s obvious that I’m hurt by it. So it won’t change the fact that I’m trying to hide it. I decided to tell her and her only that we’ve been talking. And tell her everything up until this point.

“Well that was a bitchy move for not telling you.”

“Yeah, it was. But I’m the fool for even talking to him in the first place.”

“Girly, before the whole break-up you guys were close, if being friends is what you wanted in the beginning then no one has the right to judge you or your decisions.”

“Thank you Lilith.”

We leave the cafe, Lilith leaves and then I take my route. I could go home but instead I go to Boudin Bakery, it takes ten minutes if I take Franklin St. and then Post St. But around that area it’s always packed and full of traffic. But because I got nothing better to do I do it.

I managed to find a parking spot after fifteen minutes. And of course the line to get inside the bakery is long. I mean duh it’s famous of course. I could get a sandwich but really I just got two loafs of fresh baked sourdough bread. I’m a big bread eater but it never affected my health. I walk out and head to my car. Just as I was about to get inside. A familiar voice appears.

“Amaya?”

I turn slowly even though I know it’s him, D, Dominic himself, in front of me.

“You still have a thing for appearing out of nowhere sir.” It’s my sarcastic and confident tone I give him but he reads me like a book, so it's easy to predict what I’m feeling. That was one of the things I loved about him. The ability to read someone so easily sometimes I never had to explain myself.

“I see you haven’t changed.” says Dominic, acting as normal as possible.

“Well, what’s there to change? I still write, work at the library and live with Hikari and Kora.” I say with a smart tone, although I don’t mean to, knowing that I sounded a bit rude.

“Sorry, what are you doing over here?”

“Uh..came to buy bread, same as you. Vanessa wants to try this recipe she found.” He’s acting a bit awkward and I know who he’s referring to too. So I try to sound unbothered but I know it won’t work.

“Oh, your girlfriend right? I heard congrats.”

“Thanks…I guess. How about you, seeing anyone lately?”

“No, I’ve been trying to focus on myself and mental well being.” I want this awkwardness to stop because I feel like crying. I have so many questions for him. Why? Why her? Why not me? Didn’t you love me? Didn’t you tell me you’d wait for me? But I keep quiet.

“Are you bringing her to Westons opening?” I try to change the subject and start an actual small conversation with him.

“No, she has work.”

“Ah, I see going solo then.”

“Well with or without her I wouldn’t miss my best friend/brother’s grand opening of his new restaurant. What kind of friend do you think I am?”

“The crazy kind actually.”

It’s true because I only have three words to describe this man in front of me, crazy, reckless, and a risk taker. Even when we were in highschool together he’d be that kind of person who brings everyone together. The fun one. Him and Weston go way back too, starting off as best friends and now brothers. For every adventure that these two plan together it’s always exciting to see what they talk about and come up with. Weston was there during the break up too, I showed up at his place asking if I could come in the night it happened. Chelsea, Weston’s wife, made me tea and I told them what happened. I cried my eyes out for twenty minutes straight by the time I was done crying my eyes hurt so much and I still had to drive my ass home. But even after he still treats me the same and I always tell him thank you.

“I’ll be seeing you at Westons then Amaya.” I stare deeply into his eyes and replay the way he says my name, it has me almost falling to my knees. He turns to walk away. I don’t want him to go. I want to talk to him longer.

“Do you wanna grab a coffee?”

He looks back “Sure, I got time to kill anyway.”

What are the chances of this happening to me? I’m lost in so many ways that it’s unbelievable that I asked him to get a coffee just to spend more time with him. I ask how he’s doing, what his job is now, he answers calmly, tells me that things have been okay, he moved out of Santa Clarita as well. Now he lives here.

If I ask if they live together, is it gonna make me jealous or depressed? “Do you and Vanessa live together? You know since you moved here?”

“No, I live by myself. Why?” He looks at me like I’m up to something.

“Just asking,” I smile. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

We stopped walking, we looked out at the cars passing by, we happened to end up at Kearny St.

“If I told you..I would have hurt you..” He’s not wrong besides I’m the one that broke it off to begin with.

I know back then I was in the wrong. I did it because I was stressed, under pressure and I didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I spent a long time not being in a relationship, so he was my first. I went too fast and I didn’t love myself at the time either. My mother and I got into countless arguments and my dad practically stopped talking to me. I felt guilty and I was eighteen back then, I still lived with my parents and I broke the rules. I was lucky that I wasn’t kicked out. So how can I answer the one I love right in front of me?

“You're right, I would’ve been hurt. But you not telling me hurts more.” I start to tear up, I hold back from breaking. D comes closer and hugs me, I’m falling, I break and begin to cry.

“I missed you okay, I fucked up back then, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to lose the kind of friendship we had.”

“Amaya, I’m sorry, I didn’t think about your feelings, I just assumed you’d be okay. And I missed you too.”

The way he can just comfort me and still show affection towards me feels like nothing has changed. But I can’t be fooled, for he is not mine anymore. I break the hug and step back, wipe my tears.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You have nothing to apologize for.” I really don’t, I just apologize for no reason sometimes and it’s a habit because I don’t like being in the wrong and making mistakes. I still have more questions about him and Vanessa but I don’t want to ask, it makes me sick rather than happy. But we’re friends so it’d be rude not to ask.

“So how are you and Vanessa?”

He doesn’t answer for a good minute, he just stares at the ground and kicks a pebble.

“Uh..it’s not all smiles and good times if that’s what you're asking?” Dominic’s response was sarcastic. I’m curious because what if it was a mistake? What if he didn’t want to be with her? But I could be wrong.

“Really? How so?”

“Let me summarize it for you, sometimes there are days where she and I don’t get along…Do you remember when I started texting you at random?”

How could I forget? I was either taking a bath, writing or even watching anime. It was like he’d just popped up out of nowhere but it made me smile because I still loved it.

“Yes, why?”

“It was because during those times she and I would get into arguments or I’d get sad about something and she wouldn’t do anything about it…She doesn’t know how to help me like you do Amaya.”

“That was why? But how do I help you?”

“Your comforting, always has been, you know how to get me out of being sad or upset. You know how to comfort others when they’re feeling down and it shows that you care.” D continues.

“She’s toxic, she doesn’t know how to help, sometimes she just leaves me and then we spend a week not talking until she wants to spend time with me.” Who is she? Why did he put himself in this position?

He tells me that after the break-up it left a lot of scars, his depression was bad during that time, he drank and started going to parties. He dropped out of college. But he didn’t say where. And then when he met Vanessa it was just to try something new.

I’m shocked because he never did this. How much did I hurt him for shit to go down hill? I feel so guilty for doing this to him.

“I’m sorry D..I-”

“Hey, it gave me time to think about life. But I quit drinking and I haven’t been out in awhile.”

“And college? What about that?”

Sigh “After talking to the councilor they said that we could work something out and I’ll be taking classes at night…I started last month.”

“That’s good, I’m happy for you..What major are you doing though?”

“Landscape Architecture.” I smile so big, I immediately give him a hug, he’s shocked but he hugs me back.

Before we graduated high school, I had asked him what he wanted to do. He had said that he wanted to go to college but he didn’t know what to pursue. He said that he’d find out once he’d get there. So knowing that he picked a major makes me so happy because he could make art out of landscapes. I mean take a look at the Jewel at Changi Airport, in Singapore. It’s beyond what you could imagine.

“Congratulations, I’m so proud of you!”

“Thank you”

We talk some more and before you know it, it’s time to head home. But just before we parted ways while going back to my car. He says,

“It was good talking to you again Amaya.”

I simply give him a smile and answer “I’ll see you later.”

Coming home the drive wasn’t bad, the memory and thought of running into D again replays in my head and I think to myself today was a good day. I’m still iffy about his new girlfriend Vanessa. I say this because I care about him and I don’t want him to get into something that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

For as long as I can remember Dominic has always been sensitive and unsure about the women he’s with. And you would think that if you’re hurt you’d end your relationship if you're with someone that you don’t have that many feelings with or if they’re hurting you. But he has told me before and his philosophy is he won’t be the first one to break the relationship without a good amount of reasons to need to.

Though time and time again he’s never been the first one to break off the relationship, except once, that was six years ago. It’s always been mind blowing to me because he hurts himself more by putting himself in a situation like that but he told me that people who break off the relationship first hurt more than the ones being hurt.

It doesn’t make any sense but I tried to not argue with him on that. There are things that he and I don’t agree on and things that don’t make any sense sometimes. But I can get along with him and have fun.

When we did date we would do the most crazy things and stay up late talking for hours, those were the type of things I’d look forward too, knowing that I can go to someone after work, knowing that someone was waiting for me when I’d come home and knowing that I had someone who’s come to me when they were done with work as well.

But things changed. He and I both changed. I just hope it doesn’t get to me because he’s in a relationship now and he’s going to be there at Weston’s opening only this time everyone will be there.

#chapter 1 #continuing writing story #relaistic fiction #my writing #author:TC #honesty/loyalty #love/romance/drama #reconnecting

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