pinkdhust

[pinkdhust]

“You have no idea how much I want to feel your legs intertwined with mine as we lay asleep, knowing you’re right there and not going anywhere.”

—

[pinkdhust]

"In another universe, I'm not toxic to you and I don't hurt you over and over again because of the same actions I have done before. I love you just as much as I do now, but I'm much less useless. I don't do the things that hurt the both of us and I always keep my promises. I'm much more loved than I am now, and I don't feel the need to compare myself to your ex. But this isn't another universe, this is reality. And in reality, I'm toxic to you,"

— Something I never said before #15 // i guess i never realised how toxic i am to you [19/5/18]

#something alea never said before

[pinkdhust]

“Isn’t it weird that right now, as I’m looking at the pictures of us, I feel like I won’t ever love someone as much as I love you? Because maybe in ten years time I’ll still think of the same, but it just won’t be you anymore.”

— Something I can’t get myself to say #2 // but i pray with all my heart, it’ll forever be you [13/3/18]

#something alea can’t get herself to say

[pinkdhust]

cuddling in bed and falling asleep together is probably one of the best feelings in a relationship.

[pinkdhust]

“You’ve promised to love me with all your heart, and I really hope you’re keeping that promise forever.”

— Something I can’t get myself to say #1 // if you see this, i love you with all my heart [13/3/18]

#something alea can’t get herself to say #yer #i dont like me #excerpts #excerpts from a book i’ll never write #that kind of shit #i miss my boyfriend HSNSKHSISUSJSJDJSJ #HDJJSJDIDJDHDJDHHDXHHD #here’s alea talking nonsense in her hashtags again #but i do miss my boyfriend #lowkey wanna cuddle the hell out of him #jk its highkey #oops #quotes #letters

[pinkdhust]

“Maybe we’ll bump into each other at places we’ve been on dates to, or maybe we’ll never see each other again. Maybe you’ll come across the polaroid picture of us you had kept in your wallet for so long, and maybe you’ll miss me for a split second. But that’s it.

I’m terrified of that. I’m afraid of the possibility of the aftermath of us. I’m scared of the heartbreak that you will leave behind if you’ll ever leave me. And when you leave, I’ll be the only one picking up my own broken pieces. And for the first time, you won’t be there to hold my bleeding hands. When that happens, everything we’ve had together will only be memories. Things like seeing you smile and holding your hands, or when you look at me like I’m the most precious thing that ever existed. I love you so much — sometimes it even aches.

But I know that right now, right at this moment, as your head leans sleepily against mine with your face in the crook of my neck, I know that I do love you with all my heart. I know that I want to grow old with you, and I know that I won’t ever let you go. I know that I’ll forever stay with you no matter what it takes.”

— Something I never said before #14 // i haven’t even lost you, yet i’m already missing you like crazy [9/3/2018]

#something alea never said before #excerpt #excerpts #excerpts from a book i’ll never write #love letters #love #losing you #losing myself #it might be too early to say this #im sorry #i cant help myself #god #i hate myself #cuddles #kisses #that look #precious #im alright #emo as fuck tho #lmfao #i miss my boyfriend #k im done

[pinkdhust]

I never really thought it would turn out this way; I imagined us laying on your grey sheets, in your bedroom with bright blue walls. We would play video games all night until my head ended up buried in your neck, eyes closed. Soon after, you would invite me to be your date to prom and eagerly I’d accept. It was only a day I had dream for. Often, we’d laugh freely, sipping coffee in the café near the city, down the back. A few years would pass by that you’d put a band around my ring finger. We would say to people: “we’ve never been happier!”. And eventually, I’d pledge to stand by your side for eternity. That was the life I wished for us.

But fate said otherwise. Instead, you would throw apples and spill water on me as a joke. We had fun in school. Then talking became so rare, I can’t even remember the last thing you said to me. We’d have grown far apart and gone different ways, two different futures in store. And in 7 years, we’ll see each other again, in the coffee shop near the city, down the back. I’ll say hi and you’ll offer to pay for my drink. I’d joke about how you learned to be a gentlemen, how you’ve become another person. Sipping coffee, we’d reminisce about the apples thrown and the water spilled. Then would come a silence, a pause, a moment. And I’d ask why you never gave me a chance to love you.

[pinkdhust]

“You’re 4000 miles away and the clear night sky is making me miss you so terribly. Before I met you, I never knew how it felt like to miss someone so truly and I never knew how it felt like to love someone so deeply. You’d say you love me, looking at me with hooded eyes in the dark before kissing my forehead. My head on your shoulder and my arms around your neck - your hand would slowly move up and down my back. I felt like a child who was about to fall asleep in your embrace. Your presence calms me in a way I can’t explain, maybe that’s why I miss you so much.”

— Something I never said before #13 // your sweet gentle kisses [4/3/18]

#something alea never said before #excerpts #excerpts from a book i’ll never write #looooove #love letters #my boyfriend #BOYFRIEND #i love my boyfriend #cuddles #kisses #back rubs #lmao #soz i love him #ok #done

[pinkdhust]

“And for the past six months you’ve been in my life, I’ve grown extremely attached to you. I’m so hopelessly in love with you and I have never seen myself as soft as I am for you. Although you can hate me so much whenever I have an attitude, I don’t think anyone else can love me like you do.”

— Something I feel #12 // i love you too much to let you go anytime soon [2/3/18]

#something alea feels #excerpts #i love my boyfriend lmao #hes a dork but #he loves me so ok #uuuweeee #mY hEaRt #love #love letters #excerpts from a book i’ll never write #onz

[pinkdhust]

Someday you’ll love her the way I loved you. Like the rest of the world isn’t peeking through the window. Like it wouldn’t matter if they were. Someday you’ll know how it feels to sacrifice for someone because you want to. Because maybe it’ll make her smile, and God does that smile knock you off your feet. And you’ll hold her while she cries. Believe me, you will. Your arms like open palms catching rain as she slips into shatters.      Someday you’ll understand why I stayed even when it felt drowning. Even when you became a person I didn’t recognize. Because someday you’ll see that love like this doesn’t ask. It doesn’t knock at the door and wait for your welcome. It’s just there. On a cold Wednesday morning, coaxing you back into bed bare naked or brewing coffee. Singing some song you know by heart, fluid as note into note. Like it’s been there all along. Like it already belongs.

I hope it’s someday soon (via yourhandwrittenletter)

[pinkdhust]

The first boy who loves you wears floods because he can’t afford a new pair of jeans. He can’t look you in the eye. Not until he asks you out your sophomore year. Sweaty palms. A crack in his voice. Don’t say no. I know you want to. I know your friends are snickering about it in some corner. But I also know that you like the way he is kind and gentle and quite. Even if you won’t admit it. Even if you introduce him to your parents as a friend for the first five months of your relationship. He is real, and he is here, and he is asking you to dinner from behind a greasy mop of hair. Yes, you say. You’ll go.       The first boy who loves you picks you up late in a car with chipped paint, but apologies fall off his tongue like rain from the sky. Genuine apologies. He takes you to a place way off the grid. Some total dive. You order the pasta carbonara, and he smiles with all of his teeth when you tell him it’s the best damn food you’ve ever had. He says sweet things. Funny things. You forget that he’s weirdo boy. Lonely boy. Sad boy. When he says he likes you, has liked you for years now, you tell him you might be starting to feel the same way. Might. But when he kisses you, just barely fucking kisses you, your insides scream at the sudden rightness.       The first boy who loves you asks you why you never talk about your family, and you tell him all of the gory details. The fighting. The drinking. The divorce. And he holds you until you forget where your limbs end and his begin. Eventually, into the skin of your neck, he tells you that he loves you. You don’t say it back, but you pull him close. You lose your shirt somehow. And then the rest of your clothes. And then your mind. It’s painful and awkward and wonderful before it becomes something more. Much more. And when you let yourself relax, arching into his touch, it’s very nearly everything.       But the first boy who loves you will not be the last boy who loves you. And he is not an idiot. The first boy who loves you will not let you push him aside when you need space. He will not let you break without trying to fit you back into place like a puzzle. And when everything falls apart, he is the only thing you know how to destroy. The boy with bright eyes and bad hair and the strongest arms will stay by your side through anything. But when you ask him to leave, rip his hands from your waist and edge him towards the door, he will go. Even though you wish he wouldn’t. Even though you don’t know why you’re doing this. He will go. Because the first boy who loves you is kind and gentle and quite, but he is not an idiot.      When you look back at him, sweaty palms, a nervous crack in his voice, you will still remember everything. He called you sweetheart. And babe when he was angry. And your full name when he was feeling especially affectionate. And even though it’s over, even though other boys have loved you, the first boy who loved you will be the only boy who holds your heart in his hands, feels it beat and breath without possession or power but a reverence you still struggle to understand, and then places it back into your chest and whispers, “Live.”

a messy letter to the boy who will never know how much I loved him. (via yourhandwrittenletter)

Reading through old writing because even when it feels like everything has changed, I recognize myself here. Shuffled somewhere between the words I wrote years ago. God, I love it.

(via yourhandwrittenletter)

[pinkdhust]

I have you. A lover and a friend. You are everything I need. You are the sun, the air I breathe. Without you, life wouldn’t be the same. Please don’t ever go away. And if you go, then don’t forget to take me with you.

(via teenagecrush)

[pinkdhust]

He fills up the void that I’ve kept empty for so long, and he makes me feel happier than ever.

Something I feel #11 // and for once, i’m not writing about you [17/8/17]

#something alea feels #yall im happy right now im crying #god bless #hes such a dork #i cant #hes too cute #like how even #how is he even real wtf #ofneksjdhksjsjs

[pinkdhust]

He was an enigma that seemed to be constantly beautiful in every breath he breathed, every word he spoke and every step he took. I was in love, and it was driving me to the edge of sanity.

Something like a draft #1 // what if i'm insane for thinking i'm sane? [13/6/17]

#something like alea's draft #alea's drafts #something like that #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts #insane #they think i'm insane #they think my lover is strange #yoooo lol #it's 3 am on a school night fml #i'm dead

[pinkdhust]

And maybe if you were to fall for me too, everything would be perfect.

Something I never said before #12 // having a broken heart isn’t easy [10/6/17]

#something alea never said before #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts #sad #broken #heartbreak #really fucking sad #it's fine tho #i'm fine #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #poetry #poets on tumblr #love quotes #sad love #one sided feelings #feelings and all #feelings #i feel like shit #i'm sorry #i'm so tired #i just want to be dead #i'm okay

[pinkdhust]

I just want you to hold my hands so tightly and call me ‘princess’ as you whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Something I never said before #11 // sweethearts [9/6/17]

#something alea never said before #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts #lonely #sad #i feel dead #pathetic shit #fml #ok #yeah #sorry #my bad #love #sure #i love you a lot #you mean the world to me #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #poetry #poets on tumblr #love quotes #i'm sorry #i'm so tired #i can't do this #scraps #okay #i'm not okay #but it's fine

[pinkdhust]

I wonder if you ever talked about me to someone.

Unknown (via difficult)